Wikiquote enwikiquote https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page MediaWiki 1.47.0-wmf.7 first-letter Media Special Talk User User talk Wikiquote Wikiquote talk File File talk MediaWiki MediaWiki talk Template Template talk Help Help talk Category Category talk Draft Draft talk TimedText TimedText talk Module Module talk Event Event talk 0 802 3955163 3939496 2026-06-21T23:01:49Z Dronebogus 3078761 /* Agent Smith */ 3955163 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title|''The Matrix'' (film)}} <!-- THE MATRIX --> [[File:Poi circles.jpg|thumb|right|I'm going to show these [[people]] what you don't want them to [[see]]. I'm going to show them … a [[world]] without [[rules]] or [[controls]], borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a [[choice]] I leave to you.]] '''''[[w:The Matrix|The Matrix]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] about a [[w:Hacker|computer hacker]] who learns from mysterious rebels about the true nature of his [[reality]] and his role in the war against the controllers of it. It was followed by [[The Matrix Reloaded|2003 sequel ''The Matrix Reloaded'']]. :''Written and directed by [[w:The Wachowskis|the Wachowskis]].'' {{center|'''Be Afraid of the Future.'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Neo == [[File:The.Matrix.glmatrix.2.png|thumb|right|Unfortunately, no one can be ''told'' what The Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.]] * [''At a [[w:Telephone booth|phonebooth]]''] '''I [[know]] you're out there. I can [[feel]] you [[now]].''' I know that you're [[afraid]]. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of [[change]]. I don't know the [[future]]. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to [[end]]. I came here to tell you how it's going to [[begin]]. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these [[people]] what you don't want them to [[see]]. I'm going to show them a world without you. '''A [[world]] without [[rules]] or [[controls]], borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a [[choice]] I leave to you.''' [''Then flies up into the sky''] == Trinity == * [''From behind Agent Jones about to shoot Neo''] Dodge this. [''Shoots and kills Agent Jones at point-blank range''] == Agent Jones == * [''About to shoot and kill Neo sitting on ground''] Only human. == Agent Smith == * [''To Morpheus of a near top skyscraper floor''] '''Have you ever stood and stared at it, marveled at its beauty, its genius? Billions of people just living out their lives, oblivious.''' Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world. Where none suffered. Where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed that we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that as a species, human beings define their reality through misery and suffering. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this, [[w:Kardashev scale|the peak of your civilization]]. I say your civilization because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became ''our'' civilization which is, of course, what this is all about. '''Evolution, Morpheus, evolution. Like the dinosaur. Look out that window. You had your time. The future is our world, Morpheus. The future is our time.''' * I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? [[w:virus|A virus]]. '''Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.''' ==Morpheus== *What is real? How do you define real? If you’re talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. This is the world that you know. The world as it was at the end of the twentieth century. It exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Matrix. You’ve been living in a dream world, Neo. This is the world as it exists today. Welcome to the desert of the real. We have only bits and pieces of information but what we know for certain is that at some point in the early twenty-first century all of mankind was united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to AI. == Dialogue == [[File:Digital_rain_animation_medium_letters_shine.gif|thumb|As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Anderson. It seems that you've been living two lives. In one life, you're Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. You have a Social Security number, you pay your taxes, and you… help your landlady carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias "Neo" and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.]] [[File:Brick Tower & Moon.jpeg|thumb|The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.]] [[File:Arty spoon.jpg|thumb|right|Do not try to bend the spoon — that's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the [[truth]]: there is no spoon.]] [[File:Red and blue pill.jpg|thumb|You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in [[Alice in Wonderland|Wonderland]], and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.]] :'''Trinity''': Right now, all I can tell you is that you’re in [[danger]]. I brought you here to warn you. :'''Neo''': Of what? :'''Trinity''': They’re watching you, Neo. :'''Neo''': Who is? :'''Trinity''': [''Embraces him and leans close''] Please just listen. [''Speaking in his ear''] I know why you’re here, Neo. I know what you’ve been doing. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night you sit at your computer. You’re looking for him. I know, because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn’t really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It’s the question that drives us, Neo. It’s the question that brought you here. You know the question just as I did. :'''Neo''': What is the Matrix? :'''Trinity''': The answer is out there, Neo. It’s looking for you. And it will find you, if you want it to. <hr width="50%"/> :[''Neo is sitting in an interrogation room. Agents Smith, Jones, and Brown enter; Smith sits down behind the desk.''] :'''Agent Smith''': [''Produces folder and opens it''] As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Anderson. It seems that you've been living two lives. In one [[life]], you're Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. You have a [[w:Social Security number|Social Security number]], you pay your taxes, and you... help your landlady carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias "Neo" and are guilty of virtually every [[w:Cybercrime|computer crime]] we have a law for. '''One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.''' We know that you've been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself Morpheus. Now whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive. My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you, but I believe that you wish to do the right thing. We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start, and all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice. :'''Neo''': Yeah. Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one: How about I give you [[w:The finger|the finger...]] [''displays the gesture to Smith''] and you give me my phone call? :'''Agent Smith''': [''Puts on sunglasses''] '''Oh, Mr. Anderson... you disappoint me.''' :'''Neo''': '''You can't scare me with this [[w:Gestapo|Gestapo]] crap. I know my rights. I want my phone call.''' :'''Agent Smith''': Tell me, Mr. Anderson, what good is a phone call if you're unable to speak? [''Neo’s mouth suddenly starts to "melt together" until he's completely mute; he backs into the corner of the room as Agents Jones and Brown hold him and then push him towards the table, slamming him on it, face up, as Smith readies to implant a bug into Neo''] You're going to help us, Mr. Anderson. Whether you want to or not. [''The "bug" turns into an actual insect and enters Neo through his navel. After it enters him, he wakes up at home in bed''] <hr width="50%"/> :[''Neo wakes up in his apartment and a phone rings''] :'''Morpheus''': This line [[w:Wiretapping|is tapped]], so I must be brief. '''They got to you first, but they’ve underestimated how important you are. If they knew what I know, you’d probably be dead.''' :'''Neo''': What are you talking about. What... what is happening to me? :'''Morpheus''': '''You are The One, Neo. You see, you may have spent the last few years looking for me, but I’ve spent my entire life looking for you.''' Now do you still want to meet? :'''Neo''': Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :[''They pull up to the Lafayette Hotel''] :'''Trinity''': This is it. Let me give you one piece of advice. Be honest. He knows more than you can imagine. :'''Morpheus''': At last. Welcome, Neo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus. :'''Neo''': [''Extends hand for handshake''] It’s an honor to meet you. :'''Morpheus''': No, the [[honor]] is mine. Please, come. Sit. [''They sit in armchairs facing each other''] I imagine that right now you’re feeling a bit like [[w:Alice's Adventures in Wonderland|Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole]], hmm? :'''Neo''': You could say that. :'''Morpheus''': '''I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in [[fate]], Neo?''' :'''Neo''': No. :'''Morpheus''': Why not? :'''Neo''': '''Because I don’t like the idea that I’m not in [[control]] of my life.''' :'''Morpheus''': '''I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know, you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with this world. You don't know what, but it's there, like a splinter in your [[mind]], driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?''' :'''Neo''': The Matrix? :'''Morpheus''': Do you want to know what it is? [''Neo nods in response''] '''The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your [[television]]. You can feel it when you go to [[work]]. When you go to church. When you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the [[truth]].''' :'''Neo''': What truth? :'''Morpheus''': [''Leans in closer to Neo''] '''That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage. Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind'''. [''Pause''] Unfortunately, no one can be... told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. [''Opens his pillbox, empties the contents into his palms, outstretches his hands as clenched fists''] This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, [''opens his right hand revealing blue pill''] the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, [''opens his left hand revealing red pill]'' you stay in [[Alice in Wonderland|Wonderland]], and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. [''Neo, after a pause, reaches for the red pill''] Remember: all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more. [''Neo takes the red pill''] ...Follow me. [''Leads Neo into a room with Trinity, Dozer, Apoc and Switch busy with peculiarly improvised electronic equipment''] Apoc, are we online? :'''Apoc''': Almost. :'''Morpheus''': Time is always against us. Please, take a seat there. [''Neo sits in unplugging chair''] :'''Neo''': [''Trinity working alongside him''] You did all this? :'''Trinity''': Uh-huh. :'''Morpheus''': The pill you took is part of a trace program. It’s designed to disrupt your input/output carrier signals so we can pinpoint your location. :'''Neo''': What does that mean? :'''Cypher''': '''It means [[w:The Wonderful Wizard of Oz|buckle your seat belt, Dorothy, ’cause Kansas is going bye-bye]].''' :'''Neo''': [''Watches a cracked mirror become repaired''] Did you... [''He touches it and glass becomes viscous on his hand''] :'''Morpheus''': Have you ever had a [[dream]], Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world? :'''Neo''': [''The illusionary glass starts spreading on his arm''] This can’t be... :'''Morpheus''': Be what? Be real? [''The illusionary glass goes up his neck and into his throat; he wakes from the Matrix''] <hr width=50%> :[''Neo is rescued by the Nebuchadnezzar''] :'''Morpheus''': Welcome to the real world... We’ve done it, Trinity. We’ve found him. :'''Trinity''': I hope you’re right. :'''Morpheus''': I don’t have to [[hope]]. I know it. :'''Neo''': Am I dead? :'''Morpheus''': Far from it. :[''Neo lies on table with many needles in his body''] :'''Dozer''': He still needs a lot of work. :'''Neo''': What are you doing? :'''Morpheus''': Your muscles have atrophied; we’re rebuilding them. :'''Neo''': Why do my eyes hurt? :'''Morpheus''': You’ve never used them before. [''Puts hand on Neo's head''] Rest, Neo. The answers are coming. <hr width="50%"/> :[''Neo wakes in a shipboard cabin; Morpheus enters''] :'''Neo''': Morpheus, what’s happened to me? What is this place? :'''Morpheus''': More important than ‘What?’ is ‘When?’ :'''Neo''': When? :'''Morpheus''': You believe it’s the year 1999 when in fact it’s closer to 2199. I can’t tell you exactly what year it is, because we honestly don’t know. There’s nothing I can say that will explain it for you, Neo. Come with me. See for yourself. [''Walking through the hacking floor''] This is my ship, the ''Nebuchadnezzar''; it’s a hovercraft. This is the main deck. This is the core, where we broadcast our pirate signal and hack into the Matrix. Most of my crew you already know. This is Apoc, Switch, and Cypher. :'''Cypher''': Hi. :'''Morpheus''': The ones you don’t know, Tank and his big brother, Dozer. The little one behind you is Mouse. [''Puts hands on Neo's shoulders''] You wanted to know what the Matrix is, Neo? [''Motions head to her''] Trinity? [''To Neo in plug-in chair''] Try to relax. This will feel a little weird. [''Slips in head plug and Neo becomes sentient in the construct''] This is the construct. It’s our loading program. We can load anything from clothing, to equipment, weapons, training simulations, anything we need. :'''Neo''': Right now we’re inside a computer program? :'''Morpheus''': Is it really so hard to believe? Your clothes are different. The plugs in your arms and head are gone. Your hair has changed. Your appearance now is what we call residual self image. It is the mental projection of your digital self. :'''Neo''': This... this isn’t real? :'''Morpheus''': What "is" real? How do you define "real"? If you’re talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then "real" is simply electrical signals interpreted by your [[brain]]. This is the world that you know. [''Turns on vintage TV set and sits in an antique leather seat''] The world as it was at the end of the 20th century. It exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Matrix. You’ve been living in a dream world, Neo. This is the world as it exists today... [''Changes channel to war-ravaged city with blackened thunderous skies, which suddenly surrounds them''] Welcome.. to the desert.. of the real. We have only bits and pieces of information, but what we know for certain is that at some point in the early 21st century, all of mankind was united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to [[w:artificial intelligence|AI]]. :'''Neo''': AI? Artificial Intelligence? :'''Morpheus''': A singular consciousness that spawned an entire race of machines. We don’t know who struck first, us or them. But we know that it was us [''Points upwards''] that scorched the sky. At the time, they were dependent on [[w:Solar energy|solar power]], and it was believed that they would be unable to survive without an energy source as abundant as the sun. Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to survive. Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. The human body generates more bio-electricity than a 120-volt battery and over 25,000 [[w:British thermal unit|BTUs]] of body heat. Combined with a form of fusion, the machines have found all the energy they would ever need. There are fields, Neo, endless fields, where human beings are no longer born. We are grown. For the longest time I wouldn’t believe it, and then I saw the fields with my own eyes. Watched them liquefy the dead so they could be fed intravenously to the living. And standing there, facing the pure horrifying precision, I came to realize the obviousness of the truth. '''What is the Matrix? Control.''' The Matrix is a computer-generated [[dream]] world, built to keep us under control in order to change a human being into... this. [''He holds up [[w:Duracell|a Duracell duralock D cell battery]]''] :'''Neo''': No. I don’t believe it. It’s not possible. :'''Morpheus''': '''I didn’t say it would be easy, Neo. I just said it would be the truth.''' :'''Neo''': [''Starts to panic''] Stop. Let me out! Let me out! I want out! [''Gets unplugged''] :'''Trinity''': Easy, Neo. Easy. :'''Neo''': Take this thing off me. Take this thing... :'''Morpheus''': Listen to me... :'''Neo''': Don’t touch me. Stay away from me. I don’t want it. I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it. :'''Cypher''': He’s gonna pop. :'''Morpheus''': Breathe, Neo. Just breathe. [''Neo falls to knees, vomits, and then passes out''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neo''': [''To Morpheus''] I can’t go back, can I? :'''Morpheus''': No. But if you could, would you really want to? I feel I owe you an apology. We have a rule. We never free a mind once it’s reached a certain age. It’s dangerous, the mind has trouble letting go. I’ve seen it before, and I’m sorry. I did what I did because... I had to. When the Matrix was first built, there was a man born inside who had the ability to change whatever he wanted, to remake the Matrix as he saw fit. It was he who freed the first of us, taught us the truth: ‘As long as the Matrix exists, the human race will never be free.’ After he died, the Oracle prophesied his return, and that his coming would hail the destruction of the Matrix, end the war, bring freedom to our people. That is why there are those of us who have spent our entire lives searching the Matrix looking for him. I did what I did because I believe that search is over. Get some rest, you’re going to need it. :'''Neo''': For what? :'''Morpheus''': Your training. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tank''': [''Enters Neo's quarters''] Morning, did you sleep? [''Neo shakes head''] You will tonight, I guarantee it. I’m Tank, I’ll be your operator. :'''Neo''': [''Noticing Tank's lack of electrical sockets''] You don’t... you don’t have any... :'''Tank''': Holes? Nope. Me and my brother Dozer, we’re both one hundred percent pure, old fashioned, home-grown human, born free right here in the real world. Genuine child of Zion. :'''Neo''': Zion? :'''Tank''': If the war was over tomorrow, Zion’s where the party would be. :'''Neo''': It’s a city? :'''Tank''': The last human city. The only place we have left. :'''Neo''': Where is it? :'''Tank''': Deep underground, near the Earth’s core, where it’s still warm. You live long enough, you might even see it. Goddamn, I... I got to tell you, I’m fairly excited to see what you’re capable of, if Morpheus is right and all... We’re not supposed to talk about this, but if you are... damn, it’s a very exciting time. [''Nodding head''] We got a lot to do. Let’s get to it... :... :'''Tank''': [''Jumps into operator seat with Neo in his plug-in seat and Tank is rifling through [[w:Floppy disk|floppy discs]]''] Now, we’re supposed to start with these operation programs first, that’s major boring shit. Let’s do something a little more fun. How about... [''holds up floppy''] combat training? :'''Neo''': [''Reading on screen''] [[w:Jujutsu|Jujitsu]]? I’m going to learn Jujitsu? [''Tank uploads program''] Holy shit! :'''Tank''': [[w:Life (cereal)|Hey Mikey, I think he likes it]]. How about some more? :'''Neo''': Hell yes! :... :[''After an uploading marathon''] :'''Morpheus''': [''Leaning over Tank''] How is he? :'''Tank''': Ten hours straight. He’s... a machine. :'''Neo''': [''To Morpheus leaning over him''] I know [[w:Kung Fun|Kung Fu]]. :'''Morpheus''': Show me. [''In the sparring program''] This is a sparring program, similar to the programmed reality of the Matrix. It has the same basic rules, rules like gravity. What you must learn is that these rules are no different that the rules of a computer system. Some of them can be bent. Others can be broken. Understand? Then hit me. If you can. [''They fight a round''] Good. Adaptation, improvisation. [''Wagging fingers''] But your weakness is not your technique. :'''Mouse''': [''To the Nebuchadnezzar crew in the mess''] Morpheus is fighting Neo. [''They all scramble to see''] :'''Morpheus''': How did I beat you? :'''Neo''': You’re too fast. :'''Morpheus''': Do you believe that my being stronger or faster has anything to do with my muscles, in this place? You think that’s air you’re breathing now...? Again. :'''Mouse''': Jesus Christ, he’s fast. Take a look at his neural kinetics, they’re way above normal. :'''Morpheus''': What are you waiting for? You’re faster than this. Don’t think you are, know you are. Come on! Stop ''trying'' to hit me and '''HIT me'''! :'''Mouse''': I don’t believe it. :'''Neo''': I know what you’re trying to do. :'''Morpheus''': '''I’m trying to free your mind, Neo, but I can only show you the door, you’re the one that has to walk through it.''' Tank, load the jump program... [''The jump program simulation is initiated Neo and Morpheus are on top of a skyscraper''] '''You have to let it all go, Neo, fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.''' [''Morpheus jumps from the skyscraper to another skyscraper''] :'''Neo''': Whoa. [''Makes focus-on-the-task-gestures''] Okie dokie. Free my mind. :'''Mouse''': So what if he makes it? :'''Tank''': No one’s ever made the first jump. :'''Mouse''': I know, I know. But what if he does? :'''Apoc''': He won’t. :'''Mouse''': Come on. :'''Trinity''': Come on. :'''Neo''': All right, no problem. Free my mind. Free my mind. All right. [''He jumps only to fall to the street landing softly''] :'''Mouse''': Wha- what does that mean? :'''Switch''': It doesn’t mean anything. :'''Cypher''': Everybody falls the first time. Right, Trin'? :'''Neo''': [''unplugged; wipes blood from mouth''] I thought it wasn’t real. :'''Morpheus''': '''Your mind makes it real.''' :'''Neo''': If you’re killed in the Matrix, you die here? :'''Morpheus''': '''The body cannot live without the mind.''' <hr width="50%"/> :[''Morpheus and Neo are at a major city intersection and start walking along a street walking through the crowds of working professionals''] :'''Morpheus''': The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you’re inside, you look around. What do you see? [[w:Businessperson|Business people]], [[w:teacher|teachers]], [[w:lawyer|lawyers]], [[w:carpenter|carpenters]]. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it. [''A smiling attractive women walks past them with Neo turning his head at her''] Were you listening to me, Neo, or were you looking at the woman in the red dress? :'''Neo''': I was... :'''Morpheus''': Look again. [''Woman has become an Agent Smith [[wikt:avatar|avatar]], who is raising his firearm at Neo's head''] Freeze it. [''All pedestrians and agent become frozen in place''] :'''Neo''': [''Walking around Agent Smith avatar''] This... this isn’t the Matrix? :'''Morpheus''': No. It’s another training program designed to teach you one thing. '''If you are not one of us, you are one of them.''' :'''Neo''': What are they? :'''Morpheus''': Sentient programs. They can move in and out of any software still hard-wired to their system. That means that anyone we haven’t unplugged is potentially an agent. Inside the Matrix, they are everyone and they are no one. We have survived by hiding from them, by running from them. But they are the gatekeepers. They are guarding all the doors, they are holding all the keys, which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them. :'''Neo''': Someone? :'''Morpheus''': I won't lie to you, Neo. Every single man or woman who has stood their ground, everyone who has fought an agent has died. But where they have failed, you will succeed. :'''Neo''': Why? :'''Morpheus''': I've seen an agent punch through a concrete wall. Men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air. Yet their strength and their speed are still based in a world that is built on rules. '''Because of that, they will never be as strong or as fast as you can be.''' :'''Neo''': What are you trying to tell me, that I can dodge bullets? :'''Morpheus''': '''No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.''' <hr width="50%"/> :[''Whole Nebuchadnezzar crew is in their plug-in chairs''] :'''Tank''': Everyone please observe, the fasten seat belt and no smoking signs have been turned on. Sit back and enjoy your ride. :[''They're driving through city streets''] :'''Morpheus''': Unbelievable, isn’t it? :'''Neo''': God. :'''Trinity''': What? :'''Neo''': [''Points at passing location''] I used to eat there. Really good noodles. I have these memories from my life. None of them happened. What does that mean? :'''Trinity''': That the Matrix cannot tell you who you are. :'''Neo''': And an Oracle can? :'''Trinity''': That’s different. :'''Neo''': Did you go to her? :'''Trinity''': Yes. :'''Neo''': What did she tell you? :'''Trinity''': She told me. :'''Neo''': What? :'''Morpheus''': We’re here. Neo, come with me. :'''Neo''': So is this the same Oracle that made the prophecy? :'''Morpheus''': Yes. She’s very old. She’s been with us since the beginning. :'''Neo''': The beginning? :'''Morpheus''': Of the Resistance. :'''Neo''': And she knows what, everything? :'''Morpheus''': She would say she knows enough. :'''Neo''': And she’s never wrong. :'''Morpheus''': '''Try not to think of it in terms of right and wrong. She is a guide, Neo. She can help you to find the path.''' :'''Neo''': She helped you? :'''Morpheus''': Yes. :'''Neo''': What did she tell you? :'''Morpheus''': That I would find the one... I told you I can only show you the door. You have to walk through it. :[''They enter The Oracle's apartment''] :'''Priestess''': Hello, Neo. You’re right on time. Make yourself at home, Morpheus. Neo, come with me. These are the other potentials, you can wait here. :[''A monk apprentice boy picks up a spoon, and looks at it. The spoon suddenly starts to bend and twist, seemingly on its own. The boy notices Neo, and the spoon straightens out again. The boy then offers Neo the spoon''] :'''Spoon boy''': '''Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth.''' :'''Neo''': What truth? :'''Spoon boy''': '''There is no spoon.''' :'''Neo''': There is no spoon? :'''Spoon boy''': '''Then you will see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Oracle:''' You know why Morpheus brought you to see me? :'''Neo''': I think so. :'''Oracle''': So, what do you think? Do you think you’re The One? :'''Neo''': I don’t know. :'''Oracle''': [''The latin phrase ''Temet Nosce'' appears on an inscription over the Oracle's door''] You know what that means? It's Latin. Means "[[w:Know thyself|Know thyself]]". I'm going to let you in on a little secret. '''Being The One is just like being in love. No one can tell you you're in love, you just know it.''' Through and through. Balls to bones. :'''Neo''': Ahhh. :'''Oracle''': Okay. Now I’m supposed to say, “Umm, that’s interesting, but...” then you say... :'''Neo''': But what? :'''Oracle''': But you already know what I’m going to tell you. :'''Neo''': I’m not The One. :'''Oracle''': Sorry, kid. You got the gift, but it looks like you’re waiting for something. :'''Neo''': What? :'''Oracle''': Your next life, maybe? who knows? That’s the way these things go. What’s funny? :'''Neo''': Morpheus. He- he almost had me convinced. :'''Oracle''': '''I know. Poor Morpheus. Without him we’re lost.''' :'''Neo''': What do you mean, without him? :'''Oracle''': Are you sure you want to hear this? Morpheus believes in you, Neo. And no one, not you, not even me can convince him otherwise. He believes it so blindly that he’s going to sacrifice his life to save yours. :'''Neo''': What? :'''Oracle''': You’re going to have to make a choice. In the one hand you’ll have Morpheus’ life and in the other hand you’ll have your own. One of you is going to die. Which one will be up to you. I’m sorry, kiddo, I really am. You have a good soul, and I hate giving good people bad news. Oh, don’t worry about it. As soon as you step outside that door, you’ll start feeling better. You’ll remember you don’t believe in any of this fate crap. You’re in control of your own life, remember? Here, take a cookie. I promise, by the time you’re done eating it, you’ll feel right as rain. :'''Morpheus''': What was said was for you and for you alone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cypher''': Where are they? :'''Tank''': Making the call. :'''Cypher''': Good. :'''Trinity''': You first, Neo. :'''Cypher''': [''Fires lightning thrower at Tank but fails to hit him''] Shit! [''Fires it again and succeeds''] :'''Dozer''': [''He witnesses it and lunges at Cypher''] No! [''Cypher fires lightning thrower at Dozer''] :'''Neo''': I don’t know, it just went dead. :'''Cypher''': Hello, Trinity. :'''Trinity''': Cypher? Where’s Tank? :'''Cypher''': [''Leans over Trinity's face''] You know, for a long time, I thought I was in love with you. I used to dream about you. You’re a beautiful woman, Trinity. Too bad things had to turn out this way. :'''Trinity''': You killed them! :'''Apoc''': What?! :'''Switch''': Oh God! :'''Cypher''': I’m tired, Trinity. I’m tired of this war. Tired of fighting, tired of this ship, being cold, eating the same goddamn goop everyday. But most of all, I’m tired of that jackoff and all of his bullshit. [''Jumps onto Morpheus' body''] Surprise, asshole! I bet you never saw this coming, didja? God, I wish I could be there, when they break you. I wish I could walk in just when it happens. So right then, you’d know it was me. :'''Trinity''': You gave them Morpheus. :'''Cypher''': He lied to us, Trinity. He tricked us. If you’da told us the truth, we woulda told you to shove that red pill right up your ass! :'''Trinity''': '''That is not true, Cypher, he set us free.''' :'''Cypher''': Free? You call this free? All I do is what he tells me to do. If I had to choose between that and the Matrix, I choose the Matrix. :'''Trinity''': '''The Matrix isn’t real!''' :'''Cypher''': I disagree, Trinity. I think the Matrix can be more real than this world. All I do is pull the plug here. But there, you have to watch Apoc die. :'''Apoc''': Trinity. [''Falls down dead''] :'''Switch''': No! [''Rushes down to him''] :'''Cypher''': Welcome to the real world, huh, baby? :'''Trinity''': But you’re out, Cypher. You can’t go back. :'''Cypher''': Oh no, that’s what ''you'' think. They’re going to reinsert my body. I go back to sleep, and when I wake up, I won’t remember a goddamn thing. By the way, if you have anything terribly important to say to Switch, I suggest you say it now. :'''Trinity''': No, no, please don’t. :'''Switch''': Not like this. Not like this. [''She falls down dead''] :'''Cypher''': Too late. :'''Trinity''': Goddamn you, Cypher! :'''Cypher''': Don’t hate me, Trinity. I’m just the messenger, and right now I’m gonna prove it to you. If Morpheus was right, then there’s no way I can pull this plug. I mean, if Neo’s The One, then there’d have to be some kind of a miracle to stop me. Right? I mean, how can he be The One if he’s ''dead?'' You never did answer me before. You bought into Morpheus’ bullshit. Come on – all I want is a little yes or no. Look into his eyes, those big pretty eyes, and tell me. Yes or no? :'''Trinity''': Yes. :'''Cypher''': [''Realizes Tank survived and is aiming the lightning thrower''] No! I don’t believe it! :'''Tank''': '''Believe it or not, you piece of shit, you’re still gonna burn!''' [''Fires lightning thrower at Cypher who goes flying into pipes''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neo''': What are they doing to him? :'''Tank''': Breaking into his mind. It’s like hacking into a computer, all it takes is time. :'''Neo''': How much time? :'''Tank''': Depends on the mind. Eventually it will crack and his alpha patterns will change from this to this. When it does, Morpheus will tell them anything they want to know. :'''Neo''': Well, what do they want? :'''Tank''': The leader of every ship is given codes to Zion’s mainframe computer. If an agent got the codes and got into Zion’s mainframe, it could destroy us. We can’t let that happen. :'''Neo''': Trinity? :'''Tank''': Zion’s more important than me or you or even Morpheus. :'''Neo''': Well there has to be something that we can do. :'''Tank''': There is. We pull the plug. :'''Trinity''': You’re going to kill him? Kill Morpheus? :'''Tank''': We don’t have any other choice. :'''Agent Smith''': Never send a human to do a machine’s job. :'''Agent Brown''': If indeed the insider has failed, they’ll sever the connection as soon as possible, unless... :'''Agent Jones''': They’re dead, in either case... :'''Agent Smith''': We have no choice but to continue as planned. Deploy the sentinels. Immediately. :'''Tank''': Morpheus, you were more than a leader to us. You were… a father. We’ll miss you always. :'''Neo''': Stop. I don’t believe this is happening. :'''Tank''': Neo, this has to be done. :'''Neo''': Does it? I don’t know, I... this can’t be just coincidence. It can’t be. :'''Tank''': What are you talking about? :'''Neo''': The Oracle. She told me this would happen. She told me that I would have to make a choice. :'''Trinity''': What choice? What are you doing? :'''Neo''': I’m going in. :'''Trinity''': No you’re not. :'''Neo''': I have to. :'''Trinity''': Neo, Morpheus sacrificed himself so that he could get you out. There’s no way that you’re going back in. :'''Neo''': '''Morpheus did what he did because he believed I am something I’m not.''' :'''Trinity''': What? :'''Neo''': I’m not the One, Trinity. The Oracle hit me with that too. :'''Trinity''': No. You have to be. :'''Neo''': I’m not, I’m sorry. I’m just another guy. :'''Trinity''': No, Neo. That’s not true. It can’t be true. :'''Neo''': Why? :'''Tank''': Neo, this is insane. They’ve got Morpheus in a military controlled building. Even if you somehow got inside, those are agents holding him. Three of them. I want Morpheus back too, but what you’re talking about is suicide. :'''Neo''': I know that’s what it looks like, but it’s not. I can’t explain to you why it’s not. Morpheus believed something and he was ready to give his life for what he believed. I understand that now. That’s why I have to go. :'''Tank''': Why? :'''Neo''': '''Because I believe in something.''' :'''Trinity''': What? :'''Neo''': I believe I can bring him back... [''Neo turns, walks to screen terminal and Trinity goes besides him and starts tapping on another screen terminal''] What are you doing? :'''Trinity''': Going with you. :'''Neo''': No, you’re not. :'''Trinity''': No? [''Walks up to Neo''] Let me tell you what I believe. I believe Morpheus means more to me than he does to you. I believe if you’re really serious about saving him, you are going to need my help. And since I am the ranking officer on this ship, if you don’t like it, I believe you can go to hell. Because you aren’t going anywhere else. Tank? Load us up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tank''': Okay. So, what do you need, besides a miracle? :'''Neo''': Guns. Lots of guns. [''Endless aisles of firearms appear''] :'''Trinity''': [''Neo takes an [[w:Heckler & Koch MP5K#MP5K|MP5K]] off a rack''] Neo, no one has ever done anything like this. :'''Neo''': '''That’s why it’s going to work.''' [''Slap cocks the MP5K''] <hr width="50%"/> :[''Neo is in a subway station''] :'''Trinity''': Run, Neo, run. [''Agent Smith appears behind Neo''] What is he doing? :'''Morpheus''': He's beginning to believe. :[''Smith rushes Neo who believes with them holding each other's arms with them shooting off their guns''] :'''Smith''': You're empty. :'''Neo''': So are you. :'''Smith''': [''After fighting a round''] I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Anderson. :'''Trinity''': [''Neo coughs up blood after continued fighting''] Jesus, he's killing him. :'''Smith''': [''After fighting a round ends with Neo in a headlock on subway tracks with the sound of approaching subway train''] You hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound of your death. Goodbye, Mr. Anderson. :'''Neo''': '''My name... is Neo.''' [''Neo jumps upward with Smith being smashed into ceiling and they fall down with Neo backflipping onto the platform and the train plowing into Smith''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trinity''': Neo, I’m not afraid anymore. The Oracle told me that I would fall in love, and that that man, the man who I loved would be The One. So you see, you can’t be dead. You can’t be, because I love you. You hear me? I love you. [''Kisses him''] Now get up. [''Neo resurrects, fully enlightened and the agents at the hallway end raise their firearms and simultaneously fire''] :'''Neo''': No. [''Raises a hand and stops all bullets in mid-air''] :'''Tank''': [''Astounded''] How? :'''Morpheus''': [''Mesmerized''] '''He is The One.''' == About ''The Matrix (film)'' == * Philosophical objections aside, I think I reacted negatively to “The Matrix” because I had a sense of what was coming. Neo triumphs by breaking the rules, and the Wachowskis, shifting from one style of representation to another, sending bullets harmlessly through the air, bringing simulated characters back from death, broke most of the rules of filmmaking, too. In this movie, they worked as artists, and some of “The Matrix” is thrilling. But later directors have violated the laws of time and space so opportunistically that the new freedom provided by digital invention has often become meaningless. Even worse than meaningless—destructive. By last summer, I was ready to declare my allegiance to realism; or at least to the common-sense idea that successful stories depend on limits, restrictions, consequences. Stories without death can't interest us for very long. Summing up: I regret how casually I wrote about “The Matrix,” but I think I was on to something bad that was about to be unleashed on movies. ** David Denby, [https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/revisiting-the-matrix "Revisiting The Matrix"] (October 25, 2011). * Too bad, because the set-up is intriguing. "The Matrix" recycles the premises of "Dark City" and "Strange Days," turns up the heat and the volume, and borrows the gravity-defying choreography of Hong Kong action movies. It's fun, but it could have been more. The directors are Larry and Andy Wachowski, who know how to make movies (their first film, "Bound," made my 10 best list in 1996). Here, with a big budget and veteran action producer Joel Silver, they've played it safer; there's nothing wrong with going for the Friday night action market, but you can aim higher and still do business. * Both "[[Dark City]]" and "[[w:Strange Days|Strange Days]]" offered intriguing motivations for villainy. "Matrix" is more like a superhero comic book in which the fate of the world comes down to a titanic fist-fight between the designated representatives of good and evil. It's cruel, really, to put tantalizing ideas on the table and then ask the audience to be satisfied with a shoot-out and a martial arts duel. Let's assume Neo wins. What happens then to the billions who have just been "unplugged" from the Matrix? Do they still have jobs? Homes? Identities? All we get is an enigmatic voice-over exhortation at the movie's end. The paradox is that the Matrix world apparently resembles in every respect the pre-Matrix world. (I am reminded of the animated kid's film "[[w:Doug's 1st Movie|Doug's 1st Movie]]," which has a VR experience in which everything is exactly like in real life, except more expensive.) Still, I must not ignore the movie's virtues. It's great-looking, both in its design and in the kinetic energy that powers it. It uses flawlessly integrated visual effects and CGI animation to visualize regions of cyberspace. It creates fearsome creatures, including mechanical octopi. It morphs bodies with the abandon of "[[Terminator II|Terminator II: Judgement Day]]." It uses f/x to allow Neo and Trinity to run horizontally on walls, and hang in the air long enough to deliver karate kicks. It has leaps through space, thrilling sequences involving fights on rooftops, helicopter rescues and battles over mind control. ** [[Roger Ebert]], [https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-matrix-1999 "The Matrix"], ''Chicago Sun-Times'', (March 31, 1999). * The Matrix is arguably the ultimate cyberpunk artifact. ** [[William Gibson]], [http://www.williamgibsonbooks.com/archive/2003_01_28_archive.asp#90244012 "The Matrix: Fair Cop"]. ''williamgibsonbooks.com''. (January 28, 2003). * Mr. Reeves plays a late-20th-century computer hacker whose terminal begins telling him one fateful day that he may have some sort of messianic function in deciding the fate of the world. And what that function may be is so complicated that it takes the film the better part of an hour to explain. Dubbed Neo (in a film whose similarly portentous character names include Morpheus and Trinity, with a time-traveling vehicle called Nebuchadnezzar), the hacker is gradually made to understand that everything he imagines to be real is actually the handiwork of 21st-century computers. These computers have subverted human beings into batterylike energy sources confined to pods, and they can be stopped only by a savior modestly known as the One. *With enough visual bravado to sustain a steady element of surprise (even when the film's most important Oracle turns out to be a grandmotherly type who bakes cookies and has magnets on her refrigerator), ''The Matrix'' makes particular virtues out of eerily inhuman lighting visual effects, lightning-fast virtual scene changes (as when Neo wishes for guns and thousands of them suddenly appear) and the martial arts stunts that are its single strongest selling point. As supervised by Yuen Wo Ping, these airborne sequences bring Hong Kong action style home to audiences in a mainstream American adventure with big prospects as a cult classic and with the future very much in mind. ** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1999/03/31/movies/film-review-the-reality-is-all-virtual-and-densely-complicated.html "FILM REVIEW; The Reality Is All Virtual, And Densely Complicated"], ''The New Yorker'', (March 31, 1999) * Economically made in Australia for about $60 million, this live-action comic book marks a big step up in ambition for writer-directors Andy and Larry Wachowski, whose first film was the lesbian crime meller “Bound.” Reportedly, the brothers penned “The Matrix” first and have been working on it steadily for five years; from the evidence, they were grafting on surplus ideas during that time rather than subtracting and synthesizing. Not only is it a good half-hour too long, but there are so many elements here — Christian motifs and mysticism, half-baked Eastern philosophy, Lewis Carroll refs, ambiguous oracular prophecies, the co-existence of two realities, pod-grown babies, time travel, creatures capable of rebirth and, all importantly, the expectation of the arrival of the Chosen One — as to prove utterly indigestible. * The morphing involved in numerous scenes is outstandingly fluid and vivid, but it's the way the martial arts are handled, as promised in the opening teaser, that sets “The Matrix” apart. Chinese kung-fu and wire-stunt ace Yuen Wo Ping was engaged to choreograph the fight sequences, which are on a level perhaps unsurpassed in an American film. Beyond that, filmmakers have employed a technique they call “bullet-time photography,” ultra-fast lensing that, when combined with computer enhancement, allows for altering the speed and trajectories of people and objects, resulting in the live-action equivalent of a Japanese anime film. ** Todd McCarthy, [https://variety.com/1999/film/reviews/the-matrix-1200456768/ "The Matrix"] ''Variety'', (March 28, 1999). * It's really simple. The truth of that one is that design staff on The Matrix were given [[The Invisibles|Invisibles collections]] and told to make the movie look like my books. This is a reported fact. The Wachowskis are comic book creators and fans and were fans of my work, so it's hardly surprising. I was even contacted before the first Matrix movie was released and asked if I would contribute a story to the website. (...) I'm not angry about it anymore, although at one time I was, because they made millions from what was basically a Xerox of my work and to be honest, I would be happy with just one million so I didn't have to work thirteen hours of every fucking day, including weekends. ** [[Grant Morrison]] [http://suicidegirls.com/words/Grant+Morrison/ "Grant Morrison"] Daniel Robert Epstein, ''Suicide Girls'', February 27, 2005. * There's this one scene where I run up the walls. It lasts about 30 seconds, but it took months of training. I did that scene for hours and hours, and it was hard. You have to put complete trust in the spotters (who catch you if you fall). I remember when they took the padding off the concrete walls and asked me to do the scene. I couldn't. I freaked. I went home that day and cried and cried. I was afraid and the fear got me. ** Carrie-Anne Moss as quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/film/1999/jun/04/1 "What is the Matrix?"] ''The Guardian'', (4 Jun, 1999). * Get this: what if all we know as reality was, in fact, virtual reality? Reality itself is a ravaged dystopia run by technocrat Artificial Intelligence where humankind vegetates in billions of gloop-filled tanks - mere battery packs for the machine world - being fed this late '90s VR (known as The Matrix - you with us here?) through an ugly great cable stuck in the back of our heads. And what if there was a group of quasi-spiritual rebels infiltrating The Matrix with the sole purpose of crashing the ruddy great mainframe and rescuing humans from their unknown purgatory? And, hey, what if Keanu Reeves was their Messiah? ** Ian Nathan, [https://www.empireonline.com/movies/matrix/review/ "The Matrix"], ''Empire'', (1 Jan 1999). * Reeves and Fishburne make a convincing team of master and student badasses, and Moss more than holds her own for the Riot Grrrl contingent. As the shape-shifting Smith, Weaving calls to mind the sullen cool of "[[Terminator 2: Judgment Day]]'s" Robert Patrick as the liquid-metal villain T-1000. ** Michael O'Sullivan [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/style/movies/reviews/matrixosullivan.htm "A Derivative Dazzling 'Matrix'"], ''Washington Post'' (April 2, 1999). * At first viewing, the live-action sequences stun, but there's more to this than the groundbreaking "bullet time" photography, or the adolescent allure of flash, black clothes and big, black guns. <br> Sure, "The Matrix" is almost untenably cool, but beneath the sheen there's substance. The story's a potent mix of buddhism, Greek mythology, and - predominantly - the Christian gospel. <br> The image of a superficial existence, where ignorant people thrive by blocking out a troublesome reality, is potent for a Western society drowning in wealth while the rest of the world suffers. ** Nev Pierce [http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2003/02/26/the_matrix_1999_review.shtml "The Matrix"], ''BBC'', (Updated 26 February 2003) * A futuristic kung-fu fantasy with terrific stunts and a stunted script Keanu Reeves plays Neo, a computer hacker who thinks he's living in the twentieth century but is really a pawn in a giant virtual-reality game controlled by twenty-second-century programmers. Dude! I damned if I can explain more about this muddled mind-bender, except to say that Neo is recruited by Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) to join her leader, Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne), in a rebellion against those who would enslave them. If fashion dictates choosing sides, it's a lock for the kinky rebels who wear black leather and cool shades. ** Peter Travers, [https://www.rollingstone.com/movies/movie-reviews/the-matrix-249927/The Matrix "The Matrix"], (March 31, 1999). * Written and directed by the Wachowski Brothers, Larry and Andy, "The Matrix" is the unlikely spiritual love child of dark futurist Philip K. Dick and the snap and dazzle of Hong Kong filmmaking, with digital technology serving as the helpful midwife. * Just as exciting are "The Matrix's" two kinds of action sequences. One strata involves John Woo-type expenditures of massive amounts of ammunition shot in super slow-motion and the other uses both Hong Kong-style stunt work and a technique the press notes refer to as "bullet-time photography" that involved shooting film at the computer-aided equivalent of 12,000 frames per second. <br> "The Matrix" cast members who were involved in the film's eye-catching kung-fu fight sequences also apparently committed to four months of pre-production work with Hong Kong director and stunt coordinator Yuen Wo Ping, someone who specializes in the technique, known as wire fighting, that gives H.K. films like "[[w:Drunken Master|Drunken Master]]," "[[w:Once Upon a Time in China|Once Upon a Time in China]]" and "[[w:Fist of Legend|Fist of Legend]]" their distinctive high-flying look. <br> Not everything in "The Matrix" makes even minimal sense, but the Wachowski brothers, said to be major fans of comic books and graphic novels, are sure-handed enough to smoothly pull us over the rough spots. When a film is as successful as this one is at hooking into the kinetic joy of adrenalized movie-making, quibbling with it feels beside the point. ** Kenneth Turan, [An Apocalypse of Kinetic Joy "An Apocalypse of Kinetic Joy"] ''Los Angeles Times'', (March 31, 1999). * It's a story about consciousness, a child's perception of an adult's world. The Matrix is about the birth and evolution of consciousness. It starts off crazy, then things start to make sense ** Larry Washiowski as quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/film/1999/jun/04/1 "What is the Matrix?"] ''The Guardian'', (4 Jun, 1999). == Taglines == * Be Afraid of the Future. * Free your mind. * The Fight for the Future Begins. * Believe the unbelievable. * Reality is a thing of the past. * What is The Matrix? * Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. * Welcome to the Real World. * There is no spoon. * I can only show you the door, you have to walk through it. * Follow the white rabbit. * In a world of 1s and 0s... are you a zero, or The One? * Future is not ''User Friendly''. == Cast == * [[w:Keanu Reeves|Keanu Reeves]] &ndash; Neo (Thomas A. Anderson) * [[w:Laurence Fishburne|Laurence Fishburne]] &ndash; Morpheus * [[w:Carrie-Anne Moss|Carrie-Anne Moss]] &ndash; Trinity * [[Hugo Weaving]] &ndash; Agent Smith * [[w:Joe Pantoliano|Joe Pantoliano]] &ndash; Cypher * [[w:Gloria Foster|Gloria Foster]] &ndash; Oracle * [[w:Marcus Chong|Marcus Chong]] &ndash; Tank * [[w:Julian Arahanga|Julian Arahanga]] &ndash; Apoc * [[w:Matt Doran|Matt Doran]] &ndash; Mouse * [[w:Belinda McClory|Belinda McClory]] &ndash; Switch * [[w:Anthony Ray Parker|Anthony Ray Parker]] &ndash; Dozer * [[w:David Aston|David Aston]] &ndash; Rhineheart * [[w:Robert Taylor (Australian actor)|Robert Taylor]] &ndash; Agent Jones == See also == *[[The Matrix (franchise)|''The Matrix'' (franchise)]] == External links == {{wikipedia|The Matrix}} {{commons category|The Matrix}} *[http://whatisthematrix.warnerbros.com/ Official Matrix Site] | [http://whatisthematrix.warnerbros.com/rl_cmp/new_phil_main.html Direct Link to Philosophy Section] - 9/1/2013 - These Links No Longer Available *{{imdb title|id=0133093|title=The Matrix}} *{{rotten-tomatoes|id=matrix|title=The Matrix}} *[http://ofcs.rottentomatoes.com/click/movie-1086960/reviews.php?critic=movies&sortby=default&page=2&rid=106867 Review & Analysis of ''The Matrix''] *[http://dvdmg.com/matrix.shtml Review of ''The Matrix''] * [https://www.filmsite.org/matrix.html ''The Matrix''] at [[w:Filmsite.org|Filmsite.org]] {{DEFAULTSORT:Matrix, The}} [[Category:1999 films]] [[Category:1999 American films]] [[Category:Australian films]] [[Category:The Matrix (franchise)]] [[Category:Films about artificial intelligence]] [[Category:Screenplays by The Wachowskis]] [[Category:Films directed by The Wachowskis]] [[Category:Best Sound Mixing Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Best Visual Effects Academy Award winners]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Action thriller films]] [[Category:Postmodern films]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] p7jvfne8p78kwvv6rt8weui5bgei80u 0 921 3955166 3938790 2026-06-21T23:09:16Z ~2026-36045-80 3344376 Fixed error 3955166 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-D0116-0041-019, Albert Schweitzer.jpg|thumb|right|Only by means of [[w:Reverence for Life|reverence for life]] can we establish a [[spiritual]] and [[humane]] [[relationship]] with both [[people]] and [[all]] [[living]] creatures within our reach. Only in this fashion can we avoid harming others, and, within the limits of our capacity, go to their aid whenever they [[need]] us.]] '''[[w:Albert Schweitzer|Albert Schweitzer]]''' ([[14 January]] [[1875]] – [[4 September]] [[1965]]) was an [[w:Alsace|Alsatian]] [[philosopher]], [[w:philantrophy|philanthropist]], [[physician]], [[theologian]], [[w:missionary|missionary]], and [[w:musicology|musicologist]] who received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1952. == Quotes == [[File:Gathering food in the Okavango.jpg|thumb|right|The [[awareness]] that we are [[all]] [[human]] beings together has become lost in [[war]] and through [[politics]].]] [[File:Portrait of A. Schweitzer Wellcome L0004769.jpg|thumb|Any [[religion]] or [[philosophy]] which is not based on a [[respect]] for [[life]] is not a [[true]] religion or philosophy.]] [[File:Portrait of A. Schweitzer by J. Engel Wellcome L0015830.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] has no special [[time]] of its own. Its hour is [[now]] — always…]] * '''Let me give you a definition of [[ethics]]''': '''It is good to maintain and further [[life]] — it is bad to damage and destroy life. And this ethic, profound and universal, has the significance of a religion. It ''is'' religion.''' ** As quoted in ''Albert Schweitzer : The Man and His Mind'' (1947) by George Seaver, p. 366<!-- also in ''Come to Judgment'' (1980) by Alden Whitman, p. 5 --> * '''The [[awareness]] that we are [[all]] [[human beings]] together has become [[lost]] in [[war]] and through [[politics]]. We have reached the point of regarding each other only as members of a [[people]] either allied with us or against us and our approach; [[prejudice]], [[sympathy]], or [[antipathy]] are all conditioned on that.''' [[Now]] we must rediscover the [[fact]] that we — all together — are human beings, and that we must strive to concede to each other what [[moral]] capacity we have. Only in this way can we begin to believe that in other peoples as well as in ourselves there will arise the need for a new spirit which can be the beginning of a feeling of mutual trustworthiness toward each other. ** Radio appeal for peace, Oslo, Norway (30 March 1958); also in ''Peace or Atomic War'' (1958) Three Appeals Broadcast from Oslo, Norway, on April 28, 29, and 30, 1958. <!-- republished 1972, p.44 --> * '''Any [[religion]] or [[philosophy]] which is not based on a [[respect]] for [[life]] is not a [[true]] religion or philosophy.''' ** Letter to a Japanese Animal Welfare Society (1961); also in ''The Words of Albert Schweitzer'' (1984) edited by ‎Norman Cousins, p. 37 *Defined from outside and quite empirically, complete civilization consists in realizing all possible progress in discovery and invention and in the arrangements of human society, and seeing that they work together for the spiritual perfecting of individuals, which is the real and final object of civilization. Reverence for life is in a position to complete this conception of civilization and to build its foundations on what lies at the core of our being. This it does by defining what is meant by the spiritual perfecting of man and making it consist in reaching the spirituality of an ever-deepening reverence for life. **quoted in Georg Feuerstein, Subhash Kak, and David Frawley. - In search of the cradle of civilization _ new light on ancient India-Quest Books (2011) === ''The Quest of the Historical Jesus'' (1906) === [[File:Leonardo da Vinci, Salvator Mundi, c.1500, oil on walnut, 45.4 × 65.6 cm.jpg|thumb|Each successive epoch of [[theology]] found its own thoughts in [[Jesus]]; that was, indeed, the only way in which it could make Him [[live]]. But it was not only each epoch that found its reflection in Jesus; each [[individual]] created Him in accordance with his own [[character]].]] :<small> '''Geschichte der Leben-Jesu-Forschung''', literally "History of Life-of-Jesus Research", 1st edition, as translated by W. Montgomery (1910) </small> * This dogma had first to be shattered before men could once more go out in quest of the [[historical Jesus]], before they could even grasp the thought of His existence. That the historic Jesus is something different from the Jesus Christ of the doctrine of the Two Natures seems to us now self-evident. We can, at the present day, scarcely imagine the long agony in which the historical view of the life of Jesus came to birth. And even when He was once more recalled to life. He was still, like Lazarus of old, bound hand and foot with grave-clothes — the grave-clothes of the dogma of the Dual Nature. ** p. 3 * Thus each successive epoch of theology found its own thoughts in [[Jesus]]; that was, indeed, the only way in which it could make Him live. But it was not only each epoch that found its reflection in Jesus; each individual created Him in accordance with his own character. There is no historical task which so reveals a man's true self as the writing of a Life of Jesus. ** p. 4 * The ideal "Life of Jesus" [biography] at the close of the nineteenth century is the "Life" which Heinrich Julius Holtzmann did not write — but which can be pieced together from his commentary on the synoptic gospels and his new testament theology. It is ideal because, for one thing, it is unwritten, and arises only in the idea of the reader by the aid of his own imagination, and, for another, because it is traced only in the most general outline. ** p. 296 * The historical Jesus will be to our time a stranger and an enigma. The study of the Life of Jesus has had a curious history. It set out in quest of the historical Jesus, believing that when it had found Him it could bring Him straight into our time as a Teacher and Savior. It loosed the bands by which He had been riveted for centuries to the stony rocks of ecclesiastical doctrine, and rejoiced to see life and movement coming into the figure once more, and the historical Jesus advancing, as it seemed, to meet it. But He does not stay; He passes by our time and returns to His own. What surprised and dismayed the theology of the last forty years was that, despite all forced and arbitrary interpretations, it could not keep Him in our time, but had to let Him go. He returned to his own time, not owing to the application of any historical ingenuity, but by the same inevitable necessity by which the liberated pendulum returns to its original position. ** p. 397 * He comes to us as One unknown, without a name, as of old, by the lake-side, He came to those men who knew Him not. He speaks to us the same word: "Follow thou me!" and sets us to the tasks which He has to fulfil for our time. He commands. And to those who obey Him, whether they be wise or simple, He will reveal Himself in the toils, the conflicts, the sufferings which they shall pass through in His fellowship, and, as an ineffable mystery, they shall learn in their own experience Who He is. ** p. 401 === ''The Quest of the Historical Jesus'' 2nd edition (1913) === :<small>''The Quest of the Historical Jesus'' 2nd edition (1913), as translated by John Bowden et al. (2001) </small> * Modern Christianity must always reckon with the possibility of having to abandon the historical figure of Jesus. Hence it must not artificially increase his importance by referring all theological knowledge to him and developing a ‘christo-centric’ religion: the Lord may always be a mere element in ‘religion’, but he should never be considered its foundation. (p. 402) :<small>Schweitzer, Albert (1913). Geschichte der Leben-Jesu-Forschung (in German) (2nd, Revised and Expanded ed.). Mohr. p. 512. "Das moderne Christentum muss von vornherein und immer mit der Möglichkeit einer eventuellen Preisgabe der Geschichtlichkeit Jesu rechnen."</small> === ''On the Edge of the Primeval Forest'' (1922) === * A word in conclusion about the relations between the whites and blacks. What must be the general character of the intercourse between them? Am I to treat the black man as my equal or my inferior? I must show him that I can respect the dignity of human personality in every one, and this attitude in me he must be able to see for himself; but the essential thing is that there shall be a real feeling of brotherliness. How far this is to find complete expression in the sayings and doings of daily life must be settled by circumstances. The negro is a child, and with children nothing can be done without the use of authority. We must, therefore, so arrange the circumstances of daily life that my natural authority can find expression. With regard to the negroes, then, I have coined the formula: "I am your brother, it is true, but your elder brother."<!-- <br />The combination of friendliness with authority is therefore the great secret of successful intercourse. --> ** [https://archive.org/stream/ontheedgeofthepr007259mbp#page/n163/mode/2up Ch. VII, Social Problems in the Forest, p. 130] (1924 translation by Ch. Th. Campion); Schweitzer later repudiated such statements, saying "'''The time for speaking of older and younger brothers has passed.'''", as quoted in {{cite book |last=Forrow |first=Lachlan |chapter=Foreword | editor-last=Russell | editor-first=C.E.B. | title=African Notebook | publisher=Syracuse University Press | series=Albert Schweitzer library | year=2002 | isbn=978-0-8156-0743-4 | url=http://books.google.com/books?id=qa-TVXEkY3sC&pg=PR13 | access-date=23 June 2017 |p=xiii}} ** Variant: ** The African is my brother — but he is my younger brother by several centuries. *** As quoted in ''The Observer'' (23 October 1955) * '''[[Truth]] has no special [[time]] of its own. Its hour is [[now]] — always, and indeed then most truly when it seems most unsuitable to actual circumstances.''' Care for distress at [[home]] and care for distress elsewhere do but help each other if, working together, they [[Wakefulness|wake]] men in sufficient numbers from their thoughtlessness, and call into [[life]] a new [[spirit]] of [[humanity]]. ** Ch. XI : Conclusion [http://books.google.com/books?id=t_AYAAAAMAAJ&q=%22Truth+has+no+special+time+of+its+own+its+hour+is+now+always%22&pg=PA117#v=onepage (1956 edition)] === ''Kulturphilosophie'' (1923) === :<small>Translated by C. T. Campion as ''Philosophy of Civilisation'' (1949) </small> <!-- No volume or chapters are yet specified for these first quotes --> * '''Until he extends the [[circle]] of his [[compassion]] to [[all]] [[living]] things, man will not himself find [[peace]].''' ** Variant translation: Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace. ** Variant translation: Until we extend the circle of compassion to all living things, we will not ourselves find peace. * The [[good]] [[conscience]] is an [[invention]] of the [[devil]]. ** ''Variant translation:'' The quiet conscience is an invention of the devil. ==== Vol. 1 : The Decay and the Restoration of Civilization ==== * '''The [[ethical]] [[ideas]] on which [[civilization]] rests have been wandering about the world, poverty-stricken and homeless.''' No [[theory]] of the [[universe]] has been advanced which can give them solid foundation; in fact not one has made its appearance which can claim for itself solidity and inner consistency. The age of philosophical dogmatism had come to an end, and after that nothing was recognized as truth except the [[science]] which described reality. Complete theories of the universe no longer appeared as fixed [[stars]]; they were regarded as resting on hypothesis, and ranked no higher than [[comets]]. ** Ch. 1 How Philosophy is Responsible for the Collapse of Civilization ==== Vol. 2 : Civilization and Ethics ==== [[File:Robot_Arm_Over_Earth_with_Sunburst_-_GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|right|The last [[fact]] which [[knowledge]] can discover is that the [[world]] is a manifestation, and in every way a [[puzzling]] manifestation, of the [[universal]] [[will]] to live.]] [[File:Solar Glory and Brocken spectre 1.jpg|thumb|right|I live my [[life]] in [[God]], in the [[mysterious]] [[divine]] [[personality]] which I do not [[know]] as such in the [[world]], but only [[experience]] as mysterious [[Will]] within myself.]] [[File:American bison k5680-1.jpg|thumb|right|[[True]] [[philosophy]] must start from the most immediate and comprehensive fact of [[consciousness]]: "I am [[life]] that wants to live, in the midst of life that wants to live."]] [[File:Baby ginger monkey.jpg|thumb|right|[[Ethics]] is in its unqualified form extended [[responsibility]] to everything that has [[life]].]] '''Preface:''' * '''Awakening of Western thought will not be complete until that thought steps outside itself and comes to an understanding with the search for a [[world-view]] as this manifests itself in the thought of mankind as a whole.''' We have too long been occupied with the developing series of our own philosophical systems, and have taken no notice of the fact that there is a world-philosophy of which our Western philosophy is only a part. If, however, one conceives philosophy as being a struggle to reach a view of the world as a whole, and seeks out the elementary convictions which are to deepen it and give it a sure foundation, one cannot avoid setting our own thought face to face with that of the Hindus, and of the Chinese in the Far East. … Our Western philosophy, if judged by its own latest pronouncements, is much naiver than we admit to ourselves, and we fail to perceive this only because we have acquired the art of expressing what is simple in a pedantic way. * '''The last fact which knowledge can discover is that the world is a manifestation, and in every way a puzzling manifestation, of the universal will to live.''' * Resignation as to knowledge of the world is for me not an irretrievable plunge into a scepticism which leaves us to drift about in life like a derelict vessel. I see in it that effort of honesty which we must venture to make in order to arrive at the serviceable [[world-view]] which hovers within sight. '''Every world-view which fails to start from resignation in regard to knowledge is artificial and a mere fabrication, for it rests upon an inadmissible interpretation of the universe.''' * [[World-view]] is a product of life-view, not vice versa. * '''Reverence for life, ''veneratio vitæ'', is the most direct and at the same time the profoundest achievement of my will-to-live.''' <br> In reverence for life my knowledge passes into experience. The simple world- and life-affirmation which is within me just because I am will-to-live has, therefore, no need to enter into controversy with itself, if my will-to-live learns to think and yet does not understand the meaning of the world. In spite of the negative results of knowledge, I have to hold fast to world- and life-affirmation and deepen it. '''My life carries its own meaning in itself. This meaning lies in my living out the highest idea which shows itself in my will-to-live, the idea of reverence for life. With that for a starting-point I give value to my own life and to all the will-to-live which surrounds me, I persevere in activity, and I produce values.''' * '''Ethics, too, are nothing but reverence for life. That is what gives me the fundamental principle of morality, namely, that good consists in maintaining, promoting, and enhancing life, and that destroying, injuring, and limiting life are evil.''' * '''Affirmation of the world, which means affirmation of the will-to-live that manifests itself around me, is only possible if I devote myself to other life.''' From an inner necessity, I exert myself in producing values and practising ethics in the world and on the world even though I do not understand the meaning of the world. '''For in world- and life-affirmation and in ethics I carry out the will of the universal will-to-live which reveals itself in me. I live my life in God, in the mysterious divine personality which I do not know as such in the world, but only experience as mysterious Will within myself. <br> Rational thinking which is free from assumptions ends therefore in mysticism.''' To relate oneself in the spirit of reverence for life to the multiform manifestations of the will-to-live which together constitute the world is ethical mysticism. '''All profound [[world-view]] is mysticism, the essence of which is just this: that out of my unsophisticated and naïve existence in the world there comes, as a result of thought about self and the world, spiritual self-devotion to the mysterious infinite Will which is continuously manifested in the universe.''' * From my youth onwards, I have felt sure that all thought which thinks itself out to an issue ends in mysticism. In the stillness of the African jungle I have been able to work out this thought and give it expression. * The restoration of our [[world-view]] can come only as a result of inexorably truth-loving and recklessly courageous thought. Such thinking alone is mature enough to learn by experience how the rational, when it thinks itself out to a conclusion, passes necessarily over into the non-rational. World- and life-affirmation and ethics are non-rational. They are not justified by any corresponding knowledge of the nature of the world, but are the disposition in which, through the inner compulsion of our will-to-live, we determine our relation to the world. <br> '''What the activity of this disposition of ours means in the evolution of the world, we do not know. Nor can we regulate this activity from outside; we must leave entirely to each individual its shaping and its extension. From every point of view, then, world- and life-affirmation and ethics are non-rational, and we must have the courage to admit it.''' * '''If rational thought thinks itself out to a conclusion, it arrives at something non-rational which, nevertheless, is a necessity of thought. This is the paradox which dominates our spiritual life. If we try to get on without this non-rational element, there result views of the world and of life which have neither vitality nor value.''' * The way to true mysticism leads up through rational thought to deep experience of the world and of our will-to-live. We must all venture once more to be "thinkers," so as to reach mysticism, which is the only direct and the only profound [[world-view]]. We must all wander in the field of knowledge to the point where knowledge passes over into experience of the world. We must all, through thought, become religious.<br>This rational thought must become the prevailing force among us, for all the valuable ideas that we need develop out of it. '''In no other fire than that of the mysticism of reverence for life can the broken sword of idealism be forged anew.''' * '''True philosophy must start from the most immediate and comprehensive fact of consciousness: "I am life that wants to live, in the midst of life that wants to live."''' ** Chapter 26 "The Civilizing Power of the Ethics of Reverence for Life" * '''Never for a moment do we lay aside our mistrust of the ideals established by society, and of the convictions which are kept by it in circulation. We always know that society is full of folly and will deceive us in the matter of humanity. … humanity meaning consideration for the existence and the happiness of individual human beings.''' ** Chapter 26 * '''Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself, but always in the experience which is going on around me.''' It is an uncomfortable doctrine which the true ethics whisper into my ear. You are happy, they say; therefore you are called upon to give much. ** Chapter 26 ---- <!-- specified to this volume but without Chapter citations: --> * '''The disastrous feature of our civilization is that it is far more developed materially than spiritually. Its balance is disturbed''' … Now come the facts to summon us to reflect. They tell us in terribly harsh language that a civilization which develops only on its material side, and not in the sphere of the spirit … heads for disaster. * The ethic of Reverence for Life prompts us to keep each other alert to what troubles us and to speak and act dauntlessly together in discharging the responsibility that we feel. It keeps us watching together for opportunities to bring some sort of help to animals in recompense for the great misery that men inflict upon them, and thus for a moment we escape from the incomprehensible horror of existence. * I must interpret the life about me as I interpret the life that is my own. My life is full of meaning to me. The life around me must be full of significance to itself. If I am to expect others to respect my life, then I must respect the other life I see, however strange it may be to mine. And not only other human life, but all kinds of life: life above mine, if there be such life; life below mine, as I know it to exist. '''Ethics in our Western world has hitherto been largely limited to the relations of man to man. But that is a limited ethics. We need a boundless ethics which will include the animals also.''' * '''A man is really ethical only when he obeys the constraint laid on him to help all life which he is able to succor, and when he goes out of his way to avoid injuring anything living. He does not ask how far this or that life deserves sympathy as valuable in itself, nor how far it is capable of feeling. To him life as such is sacred. He shatters no ice crystal that sparkles in the sun, tears no leaf from its tree, breaks off no flower, and is careful not to crush any insect as he walks.''' If he works by lamplight on a summer evening, he prefers to keep the window shut and to breathe stifling air, rather than to see insect after insect fall on his table with singed and sinking wings. <br> If he goes out in to the street after a rainstorm and sees a worm which has strayed there, he reflects that it will certainly dry up in the sunshine, if it does not quickly regain the damp soil into which it can creep, and so he helps it back from the deadly paving stones into the lush grass. Should he pass by an insect which has fallen into a pool, he spares the time to reach it a leaf or stalk on which it may clamber and save itself. * The man who has become a thinking being feels a compulsion to give every will-to-live the same reverence for life that he gives to his own. He experiences that other life in his own. * '''It is the fate of every truth to be an object of ridicule when it is first acclaimed.''' It was once considered foolish to suppose that black men were really human beings and ought to be treated as such. What was once foolish has now become a recognized truth. Today it is considered as exaggeration to proclaim constant respect for every form of life as being the serious demand of a rational ethic. But the time is coming when people will be amazed that the human race existed so long before it recognized that thoughtless injury to life is incompatible with real ethics. '''Ethics is in its unqualified form extended responsibility to everything that has life.''' === ''Memoirs of Childhood and Youth'' (1924) === [https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uc1.$b471057&seq=1 As translated by CT Campion] [[File:Sitta europaea wildlife 3.jpg|thumb|right|Very little of the great [[cruelty]] shown by men can really be attributed to cruel [[instinct]]. Most of it comes from thoughtlessness or inherited [[habit]].]] * As long as I can remember, I have suffered because of the great misery I saw in the world. I never really knew the artless, youthful joy of living, and I believe that many children feel this way, even when outwardly they seem to be wholly happy and without a single care. * One thing that specially saddened me was that the unfortunate [[animals]] had to suffer so much pain and misery. The sight of an old limping horse, tugged forward by one man while another kept beating it with a stick to get it to the knacker's yard at Colmar, haunted me for weeks. It was quite incomprehensible to me — this was before I began going to school — why in my evening [[prayers]] I should pray for human beings only. So when my mother had prayed with me and had kissed me good-night, I used to add silently a prayer that I had composed myself for all living creatures. It ran thus: "O, heavenly Father, protect and bless all things that have breath; guard them from all evil, and let them sleep in peace." * We came to a tree which was still bare, and on which the birds were singing out gaily in the morning, without any fear of us. Then stooping over like an Indian on the hunt, my companion placed a pebble in the leather of his sling and stretched it. Obeying his peremptory glance I did the same, with frightful twinges of conscience, vowing firmly that I would shoot when he did. At that very moment the church bells began to sound, mingling with the song of the birds in the sunshine. It was the warning bell that came a half-hour before the main bell. For me it was a voice from heaven. I threw the sling down, scaring the birds away, so that they were safe from my companion's sling, and fled home. And ever afterwards when the bells of Holy Week ring out amidst the leafless trees in the sunshine I remember with moving gratitude how they rang into my heart at that time the commandment: Thou shalt not kill. * I have twice gone fishing with rod and line just because other boys asked me to, but this sport was soon made impossible for me by the treatment of the worms that were put on the hook for bait, and the wrenching of the mouths of the fishes that were caught. I gave it up, and even found courage enough to dissuade other boys from going. * '''Very little of the great cruelty shown by men can really be attributed to cruel instinct. Most of it comes from thoughtlessness or inherited habit. The roots of cruelty, therefore, are not so much strong as widespread. But the time must come when inhumanity protected by custom and thoughtlessness will succumb before humanity championed by thought. Let us work that this time may come.''' * '''The great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.''' That is possible for him who never argues and strives with men and facts, but in all experience retires upon himself, and looks for the ultimate cause of things in himself. * I was convinced — and I am so still — that the fundamental principles of Christianity have to be proved true by reasoning, and by no other method. Reason, I said to myself, is given us that we may bring everything within the range of its action, even the most exalted ideas of religion. And this certainty filled me with joy. * As a rule there are in everyone all sorts of good ideas, ready like tinder. But much of this tinder catches fire, or catches it successfully, only when it meets some flame or spark from outside, i.e. from some other person. Often, too, our own light goes out, and is rekindled by some experience we go through with a fellow-man. Thus we have each of us cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flames within us. === ''Out of My Life and Thought : An Autobiography'' (1933) === [[File:3months-old crossbreed cats.jpg|thumb|right|The great fault of [[all]] [[ethics]] hitherto has been that they [[believed]] themselves to have to deal only with the relations of [[man]] to man. In [[reality]], however, the question is what is his [[attitude]] to the [[world]] and [[all]] [[life]] that comes within his reach.]] [[File:Cristo Redentor viewed from the base.jpg|thumb|right|What has been presented as [[Christianity]] during these nineteen centuries is only a [[beginning]], full of mistakes, not full blown Christianity springing from the [[spirit]] of [[Jesus]].]] :<small>''[https://archive.org/details/outofmylifethoug00schw_0 Out of My Life and Thought : An Autobiography]'' (1931), as translated by C. T. Campion (1933)</small> * Every start upon an untrodden path is a venture which only in unusual circumstances looks sensible and likely to be successful. **[http://books.google.com/books?id=qSihr5VGV4YC&q=%22Every+start+upon+an+untrodden+path+is+a+venture+which+only+in+unusual+circumstances+looks+sensible+and+likely+to+be+successful%22&pg=PA90#v=onepage Ch. 9 : I Resolve to Become a Jungle Doctor] * '''Altogether, [[Mental health of Jesus|Jesus never behaves like a man wandering in a system of delusions]]'''. He reacts in absolutely normal fashion to what is said to Him, and to the events that concern Him. '''He is never out of touch with reality.''' ** Ch. 12 : Literary Work During My Medical Course, p. 133. * '''The great fault of [[all]] [[ethics]] hitherto has been that they believed themselves to have to deal only with the relations of man to man. In reality, however, the question is what is his attitude to the world and all life that comes within his reach.''' A man is ethical only when life, as such, is sacred to him, and that of plants and animals as that of his fellow men, and when he devotes himself helpfully to all life that is in need of help. Only the universal ethic of the feeling of responsibility in an ever-widening sphere for all that lives — only that ethic can be founded in thought. … The ethic of Reverence for Life, therefore, comprehends within itself everything that can be described as love, devotion, and sympathy whether in suffering, joy, or effort. ** Ch. 13, p. 188 * '''The ethic of Reverence for Life is the ethic of Love widened into universality.''' **[http://books.google.com/books?id=jHuYuLugqBAC&q=%22The+ethic+of+Reverence+for+Life+is+the+ethic+of+Love+widened+into+universality%22&pg=PA235#v=onepage Epilogue, p. 235] * '''What has been presented as Christianity during these nineteen centuries is only a beginning, full of mistakes, not full blown Christianity springing from the spirit of [[Jesus]].''' ** Epilogue, p. 241 * '''To the question whether I am a pessimist or an optimist, I answer that my knowledge is pessimistic, but my willing and hoping are optimistic.''' ** Epilogue, p. 242 === ''Indian Thought And Its Development'' (1936) === [[File:Dharmachakra Rainbow Wheel.svg|thumb| It belongs to the [[nature]] of [[mysticism]] that it is timeless and appeals to no other authority than that of the [[truth]] which it carries within it.]] :<small>[https://archive.org/details/indianthoughtsan027860mbp ''Indian Thought and Its Development'' (1936) as translated by Charles E. B. Russell]</small> * Indian thought has greatly attracted me since in my youth I first became acquainted with it through reading the works of [[Arthur Schopenhauer]]. From the very beginning I was convinced that all thought is really concerned with the great problem of how man can attain to spiritual union with infinite Being. My attention was drawn to Indian thought because it is busied with this problem and because by its nature it is [[mysticism]]. What I liked about it also was that Indian [[ethics]] are concerned with the behaviour of man to all living beings and not merely with his attitude to his fellow-man and to [[human]] [[society]]. ** Preface, p. vi * There are two great fundamental problems common to all thought: (i) the problem of world- and life-affirmation and world- and life-negation, and (2) the problem of ethics and the relations between ethics and these two forms of man's spiritual attitude to Being. ** Preface, p. vii * We await the Indian thinker who will expound to us the mysticism of spiritual union with infinite Being as it is in itself, not as it is set down in the ancient texts or according to the meaning read into them by their interpreters. <br /> '''It belongs to the nature of mysticism that it is timeless and appeals to no other authority than that of the truth which it carries within it.''' <br /> The pathway from imperfect to perfect recognised truth leads through the valley of reality. ** Ch. XVI : Looking Backward and Forward, p. 256 * '''The deepest thinking is humble. It is only concerned that the flame of truth which it keeps alive should burn with the strongest and purest heat; it does not trouble about the distance to which its brightness penetrates.''' ** Ch. XVI : Looking Backward and Forward, p. 257 === ''The Spiritual Life'' (1947) === :<small>''The Spiritual Life : Selected Writings Of Albert Schweitzer'', originally published as ''Albert Schweitzer: An Anthology'' </small> [[File:Georgia Aquarium - Giant Grouper.jpg|thumb|right|We cannot [[understand]] what happens in the [[universe]]. What is [[glorious]] in it is [[united]] with what is full of horror. What is full of [[meaning]] is united to what is senseless...]] [[File:Cristo degli abissi.jpg|thumb|right|The highest [[knowledge]] is to know that we are surrounded by [[mystery]].]] [[File:Passion of Christ.jpg|thumb|right|Anyone who proposes to do [[good]] must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it.]] [[File:Gian Lorenzo Bernini - Dove of the Holy Spirit.JPG|thumb|right|Man can no longer live for himself [[alone]]. We realize that [[all]] [[life]] is valuable, and that we are [[united]] to all this life.]] [[File:Albert Schweitzer, Etching by Arthur William Heintzelman.jpg|thumb|right|Not one of us [[knows]] what effect his [[life]] produces, and what he gives to others; that is hidden from us and must remain so, though we are often allowed to see some little fraction of it, so that we may not lose [[courage]].]] [[File:ETH-Bibliothek Zürich, Bildarchiv - Com C-AA00-005-001-001 - Dr. Albert Schweitzer.jpg|thumb|The stronger the [[reverence]] for [[natural]] [[life]], the stronger grows also that for [[spiritual]] life.]] * '''We cannot understand what happens in the universe. What is glorious in it is united with what is full of horror. What is full of meaning is united to what is senseless. The spirit of the universe is at once creative and destructive — it creates while it destroys and destroys while it creates, and therefore it remains to us a riddle. And we must inevitably resign ourselves to this.''' ** p. 5 * When in the spring the withered gray of the pastures gives place to green, this is due to the millions of young shoots which sprout up freshly from the old roots. In like manner the revival of thought which is essential for our time can only come through a transformation of the opinions and ideals of the many brought about by individual and universal reflection about the [[meaning of life]] and of the world. ** p. 10 * It is the fate of 'little faiths' of truth that they, true followers of Peter, whether they be Roman or the Protestant observance, cry out and sink in the sea of ideas, where the followers of Paul, believing in the Spirit, walk secure and undismayed. ** p. 32 * '''Christianity has had to give up one piece after another of what it still imagined it possessed in the way of explanations of the universe. In this development it grows more and more into an expression of what constitutes its real nature.''' In a remarkable process of spiritualization it advances further and further from naive naiveté into the region of profound naiveté. The greater the number of explanations that slip from its hands, the more is the first of the Beatitudes, which may indeed be regarded as prophetic word concerning Christianity, fulfilled: "Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the [[w:Kingdom of God|Kingdom of Heaven]]." ** p. 102 * When Christianity becomes conscious of its innermost nature, it realizes that it is godliness rising our of inward constraint. '''The highest knowledge is to know that we are surrounded by mystery.''' Neither knowledge nor hope for the future can be the pivot of our life or determine its direction. It is intended to be solely determined by our allowing ourselves to be gripped by the ethical God, who reveals Himself in us, and by our yielding our will to His. ** p. 102 * '''Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it.''' A strength which becomes clearer and stronger through its experience of such obstacles is the only strength that can conquer them. Resistance is only a waste of strength. ** p. 164 * '''Not one of us knows what effect his life produces, and what he gives to others; that is hidden from us and must remain so, though we are often allowed to see some little fraction of it, so that we may not lose courage.''' ** p. 164 * '''The deeper we look into nature, the more we recognize that it is full of life, and the more profoundly we know that all life is a secret and that we are united with all life that is in nature. Man can no longer live for himself alone. We realize that all life is valuable, and that we are united to all this life.''' From this knowledge comes our spiritual relationship to the universe. ** p. 248 * Most men are scantily nourished on a modicum of happiness and a number of empty thoughts which life lays on their plates. They are kept in the road of life through stern necessity by elemental duties which they cannot avoid. <br>Again and again their will-to-live becomes, as it were, intoxicated: spring sunshine, opening flowers, moving clouds, waving fields of grain — all affect it. The manifold will-to-live, which is known to us in the splendid phenomena in which it clothes itself, grasps at their personal wills. They would fain join their shouts to the mighty symphony which is proceeding all around them. The world seem beauteous...but the intoxication passes. Dreadful discords only allow them to hear a confused noise, as before, where they had thought to catch the strains of glorious music. The beauty of nature is obscured by the suffering which they discover in every direction. And now they see again that they are driven about like shipwrecked persons on the waste of ocean, only that the boat is at one moment lifted high on the crest of the waves and a moment later sinks deep into the trough; and that now sunshine and now darkening clouds lie on the surface of the water. <br> And now they would fain persuade themselves that land lies on the horizon toward which they are driven. Their will-to-live befools their intellect so that it makes efforts to see the world as it would like to see it. It forces this intellect to show them a map which lends support to their hope of land. Once again they essay to reach the shore, until finally their arms sink exhausted for the last time and their eyes rove desperately from wave to wave. … <br>Thus it is with the will-to-live when it is unreflective. <br> But is there no way out of this dilemma? Must we either drift aimlessly through lack of reflection or sink in pessimism as the result of reflection? No. We must indeed attempt the limitless ocean, but we may set our sails and steer a determined course. ** p. 256 * The mistake made by all previous systems of ethics has been the failure to recognize that life as such is the mysterious value with which they have to deal. All spiritual life meets us within natural life. Reverence for life, therefore, is applied to natural life and spiritual life alike. In the parable of Jesus, the shepherd saves not merely the soul of the lost sheep but the whole animal. The stronger the reverence for natural life, the stronger grows also that for spiritual life. ** p. 264 * '''The ethic of reverence for life constrains all, in whatever walk of life they may find themselves, to busy themselves intimately with all the human and vital processes which are being played out around them, and to give themselves as men to the man who needs human help and sympathy. It does not allow the scholar to live for his science alone, even if he is very useful to the community in so doing. It does not permit the artist to exist only for his art, even if he gives inspiration to many by its means. It refuses to let the business man imagine that he fulfills all legitimate demands in the course of his business activities.''' It demands from all that they should sacrifice a portion of their own lives for others. In what way and in what measure this is his duty, this everyone must decide on the basis of the thoughts which arise in himself, and the circumstances which attend the course of his own life. The self-sacrifice of one may not be particularly in evidence. He carries it out simply by continuing his normal life. Another is called to some striking self-surrender which obliges him to set on one side all regard for his own progress. Let no one measure himself by his conclusions respecting someone else. '''The destiny of men has to fulfill itself in a thousand ways, so that goodness may be actualized. What every individual has to contribute remains his own secret. But we must all mutually share in the knowledge that our existence only attains its true value when we have experienced in ourselves the truth of the declaration: 'He who loses his life shall find it.' ''' ** p. 267 * '''To the man who is truly ethical all life is sacred, including that which from the human point of view seems lower in the scale. He makes distinctions only as each case comes before him, and under the pressure of necessity, as, for example, when it falls to him to decide which of two lives he must sacrifice in order to preserve the other.''' But all through this series of decisions he is conscious of acting on subjective grounds and arbitrarily, and knows that he bears the responsibility for the life which is sacrificed. ** p. 269 * '''There slowly grew up in me an unshakable conviction that we have no right to inflict suffering and death on another living creature unless there is some unavoidable necessity for it, and that we ought all of us to feel what a horrible thing it is to cause suffering and death out of mere thoughtlessness.''' And this conviction has influenced me only more and more strongly with time. I have grown more and more certain that at the bottom of our heart we all think this, and that we fail to acknowledge it because we are afraid of being laughed at by other people as sentimentalists, though partly also because we allow our best feelings to get blunted. But I vowed that I would never let my feelings get blunted, and that I would never be afraid of the reproach of sentimentalism. ** p. 275 * '''Faith which refuses to face indisputable facts is but little faith. Truth is always gain, however hard it is to accommodate ourselves to it. To linger in any kind of untruth proves to be a departure from the straight way of faith.''' ** p. 290 * We do not have a complete and satisfying knowledge of the world. We are reduced to the simple conclusion that everywhere in the world there is life like ourselves and that all life is shrouded in mystery. A true acquaintance with the world consists in being filled with a sense of the mystery of existence and life. This mystery becomes only more mysterious with every advance in scientific research. To be filled with the mystery of life is like that which is called in the language of [[mysticism]] the "wise ignorance," an ignorance which is nonetheless knowledge of the [[essential]]. ** p. 304 * '''The [[thinking]] [[Human|man]] must<!-- therefore --> … oppose all [[cruel]] [[customs]] no matter how deeply rooted in [[tradition]] and surrounded by a halo. [[True]] [[manhood]] is too precious a [[spiritual]] good for us to surrender any part of it to [[thoughtlessness]].''' ** p. 305; also in ''The Animal World of Albert Schweitzer'' (1950), p. 179 ** Variant : The thinking man must oppose all cruel customs no matter how deeply rooted in tradition and surrounded by a halo. When we have a choice, we must avoid bringing torment and injury into the life of another, even the lowliest creature; to do so is to renounce our manhood and shoulder a guilt which nothing justifies. ** As quoted in ''Becoming Vegan : The Complete Guide to Adopting a Healthy Plant-based Diet'' (2000) by Brenda Davis and Vesanto Melina, p. 261 * '''We cannot abdicate our conscience to an organization, nor to a government. 'Am I my brother's keeper?' Most certainly I am! I cannot escape my responsibility by saying the State will do all that is necessary. It is a tragedy that nowadays so many think and feel otherwise. ''' ** p. 309 === God's Own Man (1952) === [[File:Albert Schweitzer 1965.jpg|thumb|[[Example]] is not the main thing. It is the only thing. … Only as a man has [[simplicity]] can his example [[influence]] others.]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=qTAoAAAAMAAJ&q=%22example+is+not+the+main+thing%22&dq=%22example+is+not+the+main+thing%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjz7f_2v6vMAhUJxmMKHeEAB-QQ6AEIHDAA Interview with Eugene Exman, published in ''United Nations World'' magazine]</small> * Example is not the main thing. It is the only thing. That is, if the one giving the example is not saying to himself, 'Behold I am giving an example.' That spoils it. Anyone thinking of the example he will give to others has lost his simplicity. Only as a man has simplicity can his example influence others. ** Sometimes presented in paraphrased form, such as [https://books.google.com/books?id=5Za7o6teOHoC&pg=PR18&dq=%22example+is+not+the+main+thing%22+schweitzer&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjFh4m9vqvMAhUG02MKHRqZDtsQ6AEIMzAE#v=onepage&q=%22example%20is%20not%20the%20main%20thing%22%20&f=false "Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it is the ''only'' thing"]. === The Problem of Peace (1954) === [[File:LuMaxArt_Golden_Family_With_World_Religions.jpg|thumb|right|Many a [[truth]] has lain unnoticed for a long [[time]], ignored simply because no one perceived its potential for becoming [[reality]].]] :<small>[http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1952/schweitzer-lecture.html Nobel Lecture: The Problem of Peace] (4 November 1954)</small> * We have learned to tolerate the facts of [[war]]: that men are killed en masse — some twenty million in the Second World War — that whole cities and their inhabitants are annihilated by the atomic bomb, that men are turned into living torches by incendiary bombs. '''We learn of these things from the radio or newspapers and we judge them according to whether they signify success for the group of peoples to which we belong, or for our enemies. When we do admit to ourselves that such acts are the results of inhuman conduct, our admission is accompanied by the thought that the very fact of war itself leaves us no option but to accept them. In resigning ourselves to our fate without a struggle, we are guilty of inhumanity.''' * What really matters is that we should all of us realize that we are guilty of inhumanity. The horror of this realization should shake us out of our lethargy so that we can direct our hopes and our intentions to the coming of an era in which war will have no place. * The only originality I claim is that for me this truth goes hand in hand with the intellectual certainty that the human spirit is capable of creating in our time a new mentality, an ethical mentality. Inspired by this certainty, I too proclaim this truth in the hope that my testimony may help to prevent its rejection as an admirable sentiment but a practical impossibility. '''Many a [[truth]] has lain unnoticed for a long [[time]], ignored simply because no one perceived its potential for becoming [[reality]].''' * Only when an ideal of peace is born in the minds of the peoples will the institutions set up to maintain this peace effectively fulfill the function expected of them. * '''May the men who hold the destiny of peoples in their hands, studiously avoid anything that might cause the present situation to deteriorate and become even more [[dangerous]]. May they take to heart the words of the Apostle [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]]: "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." These words are valid not only for individuals, but for nations as well. May these nations, in their efforts to maintain peace, do their utmost to give the spirit time to grow and to act.''' === ''Reverence for Life'' (1969) === [[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|A man [[believes]] in [[eternal]] [[life]] because it is already his, it is a [[present]] [[experience]], and he already [[benefits]] from its [[peace]] and [[joy]]. He cannot describe this experience in [[words]]. He may not be able to [[conform]] his view with the traditional picture of it. But one thing he [[knows]] for certain: Something within us does not pass away, something goes on living and [[working]] wherever [[Kingdom of God|the kingdom]] of the [[spirit]] is present.]] [[File:Logo of ÖASG.png|thumb|The only way out of today's [[misery]] is for [[people]] to become [[worthy]] of each other's [[trust]].]] * At sunset of the third day, near the village of Igendja, we moved along an island set in the middle of the wide river. On a sandback to our left, four hippopotamuses and their young plodded along in our same direction. '''Just then, in my great tiredness and discouragement, the phrase "[[w:Reverence for Life|Reverence for Life]]" struck me like a flash. As far as I knew, it was a phrase I had never heard nor ever read.''' I realized at once that it carried within itself the solution to the problem that had been torturing me. Now I knew that a system of values which concerns itself only with our relationship to other people is incomplete and therefore lacking in power for good. '''Only by means of reverence for life can we establish a spiritual and humane relationship with both people and all living creatures within our reach. Only in this fashion can we avoid harming others, and, within the limits of our capacity, go to their aid whenever they need us.''' * I am life which wants to live admidst of lives that want to live. ** ''Ich bin Leben, das leben will, inmitten von Leben, das leben will.'' ** Source: ''[http://books.google.pl/books?id=q7MCqUIN7hkC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false Die Ehrfurcht vor dem Leben]'', C.H.Beck, 2008, p. 111 * Those who thank God much are the truly wealthy. So our inner happiness depends not on what we experience but on the degree of our gratitude to God, whatever the experience. * Whoever has looked into the eyes of Jesus as he appears to us in his words knows that true happiness consists of service to this great One and his Spirit — and a life offered to his work. Those who accept this mode of life, who know how to live it, become brothers and sisters. * The man who dares to live his [[life]] with [[death]] before his [[eyes]], the man who receives life back bit by bit and lives as though it did not belong to him by right but has been bestowed on him as a [[gift]], the man who has such [[freedom]] and [[peace]] of mind that he has overcome death in his thoughts — '''such man [[believes]] in [[eternal]] [[life]] because it is already his, it is a [[present]] [[experience]], and he already [[benefits]] from its peace and [[joy]]. He cannot describe this experience in [[words]]. He may not be able to [[conform]] his view with the traditional picture of it. But one thing he [[knows]] for certain: Something within us does not pass away, something goes on living and [[working]] wherever [[Kingdom of God|the kingdom]] of the [[spirit]] is present.''' It is already working and living within us, because in our [[hearts]] we have been able to reach life by overcoming death. * I do not want to frighten you by telling you about the temptations life will bring. Anyone who is [[healthy]] in spirit will overcome them. But there is something I want you to realize. '''It does not matter so much what you do. What matters is whether your soul is harmed by what you do.''' If your soul is harmed, something irreparable happens, the extent of which you won't realize until it will be too late. * '''Don't let your hearts grow numb. Stay alert.''' It is your soul which matters. * '''Not less strong than the will to truth must be the will to sincerity.''' Only an age, which can show the courage of sincerity, can possess truth, which works as a spiritual force within it. * Only at quite rare moments have I felt really glad to be alive. I could not but feel with a sympathy full of regret all the pain that I saw around me, not only that of men but that of the whole creation. From this community of suffering I have never tried to withdraw myself. It seemed to me a matter of course that we should all take our share of the burden of pain which lies upon the world. * '''Profound love demands a deep conception and out of this develops reverence for the mystery of life. It brings us close to all beings, to the poorest and smallest as well as all others.''' *''' The only way out of today's [[misery]] is for [[people]] to become [[worthy]] of each other's [[trust]].''' {{disputed begin}} ==Disputed== * Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation. ** This quote was attributed to Albert Schweitzer by Rachel Carson on p. 17 of her seminal work ''Silent Spring'' (1962), and is widely cited on various Internet websites, but an actual source from Schweitzer’s works is elusive. * I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know, the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve. ** Widely attributed to Schwietzer online, no known original source. {{disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} * I have given my life to try to alleviate the sufferings of Africa. There is something that all white men who have lived here like I must learn and know: that these individuals are a sub-race. They have neither the intellectual, mental, or emotional abilities to equate or to share equally with white men in any function of our civilization. I have given my life to try to bring them the advantages which our civilization must offer, but I have become well aware that we must retain this status: the superior and they the inferior. For whenever a white man seeks to live among them as their equals they will either destroy him or devour him. And they will destroy all of his work. Let white men from anywhere in the world, who would come to Africa, remember that you must continually retain this status; you the master and they the inferior like children that you would help or teach. Never fraternize with them as equals. Never accept them as your social equals or they will devour you. They will destroy you. ** This has usually been presented as something "said shortly before his death" without any definite source, but appears to be entirely spurious. Lachlan Forrow, president of The Albert Schweitzer Fellowship, [https://web.archive.org/web/20090227095752/https://www.schweitzer.org/english/diverse/asefaq.htm wrote] "'''This quote is utterly false and is an outrageously inaccurate picture of Dr. Schweitzer’s view of Africans. Dr. Schweitzer never said or wrote anything remotely like this. It does NOT appear in the book African Notebook.'''" This refers to some citations of it being from ''Afrikanische Geschichten'' (1938), which was translated as ''From My African Notebook'' (1939) by Mrs. C. E. B Russell. ** First misattributed in the neo-nazi publication [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/The_Liberty_Bell/bmUfAQAAMAAJ ''The Liberty Bell'', Vol. 6, (1978) published by George P. He stated that "The negro was like a brother, a little brother, and to NEVER forget you are the older brother." Many statements he gave and has made including the actions of neurons not being smart enough to learn to work in his hospital. "Why would they work when they do not have to?" ==Quotes about Schweitzer== [[File:Albert Einstein Head.jpg|thumb|He [[simply]] acted out of inner [[necessity]]. ~ [[Albert Einstein]] ]] * To me, Dr. Schweitzer is the one truly great individuals our modern times have produced. ** [[Rachel Carson]], 1963 Speech in ''Rachel Carson: Silent Spring & Other Writings on the Environment'' * '''Few authors in modern times can be said to have redirected the course of an entire field of study. In 1906, Albert Schweitzer did, with his brilliant monograph, ''[[w:The Quest of the Historical Jesus|The Quest of the Historical Jesus]]'''''... Schweitzer was convinced that [[Jesus]] was an [[w:apocalypticist|apocalypticist]].<br />Schweitzer is best known, of course, for his humanitarian endeavors. After giving up an extraordinarily promising academic career as a philosopher-theologian in Strasbourg to establish a medical mission in French Equatorial Africa, he spent his life curing the sick in his jungle clinic, far removed from the ivy towers of the European intellectual scene. ...<br />The bulk of his book recounts the attempts since the Enlightenment to produce a life of Jesus. '''With scathing wit, penetrating analysis, and inimitable turns of phrase, Schweitzer shows that every generation of scholars that attempted to write a life of Jesus in fact portrayed Jesus in its own image.''' ... Schweitzer demonstrates this thesis through an exhaustive analysis of the entire history of scholarship on Jesus—from its beginnings in 1776 with a posthumously published account of a German scholar named [[Hermann Samuel Reimarus|H. Reimarus]], who argued that Jesus was a political revolutionary whose violent activities were covered up by the Gospel writers, to the rationalist views of [[w:Heinrich Paulus|Heinrich Paulus]] and the myth-oriented response of [[w:David Strauss|D. F. Strauss]]... on down to his own day. ... he scorns every attempt to make Jesus into a modern man, who promoted, in substance, the religious, political, cultural, or social agenda of modern European intellectuals. For Schweitzer, Jesus was a man of the past. To understand what he was really like, we must situate him in his own context, not pretend that he fits perfectly well into our own. ... Schweitzer did not think that the historical Jesus shared the problems or perspectives of the twentieth century. Instead, Jesus was a first-century apocalypticist, who never expected that there would be a twentieth century. He thought that the end of the world was coming within his own lifetime. In fact, he expected it to come before the year was out. When it didn't come, Schweitzer argued, Jesus decided that he himself needed to suffer in order for God to bring the heavenly Kingdom here to earth. And so he went to his cross fully expecting God to intervene in history in a climactic act of judgment. When at his last meal he told his disciples that he would not drink wine again until he drank it anew with them in the Kingdom, he was not thinking that this would be two thousand years hence, but in the next day or two. It turns out that Jesus was wrong. He died on the cross mistaken about his own identity and the plan of God. ** [[Bart D. Ehrman]], ''[[w:Jesus: Apocalyptic Prophet of the New Millennium|Jesus: Apocalyptic Prophet of the New Millennium]]'' (1999), pp. 125–127 * '''There, in this sorry [[world]] of ours, is a [[great]] man!''' ** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''The Arthur Andersen Chronicle'', Vol. IX (1947), p. 144 * He did not preach and did not warn and did not dream that his example would be an [[ideal]] and a [[comfort]] to innumerable [[people]]. '''He [[simply]] acted out of inner [[necessity]].''' ** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''Albert Schweitzer: A Biography'' (1989) by George Marshall and David Poling, p. 241 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} * [http://home.pcisys.net/~jnf/ The Albert Schweitzer Page] - A good tribute site with Reviews and excerpts of Schweitzer's Works ** [http://home.pcisys.net/~jnf/mdnstory.html Struggle to Find Life's Meaning] * [http://www.nobel.se/peace/laureates/1952/schweitzer-bio.html Page at the Nobel e-Museum] ** [http://www.nobel.se/peace/laureates/1952/schweitzer-lecture-e.html Nobel Lecture: The Problem of Peace] (November 4, 1954) * [http://medlem.spray.se/atarme/albert.html Brief biography] * [http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/schweitzer/ Online Edition of ''Quest for the Historical Jesus''] * [http://www1.chapman.edu/schweitzer/reverence_readings.html Readings on Reverence for Life] * [http://www.awionline.org/schweitzer/as-idx.htm ''Animals, Nature and Albert Schweitzer'' by Ann Cottrell Free] * [http://www.religion-online.org/showarticle.asp?title=1864 Reconsidering Albert Schweitzer" by David L. Dungan] * [http://negations.icaap.org/issues/98w/hinman_01.html "Albert Schweitzer On the Death of Civilization" by J. L. Hinman] * [http://www.albertschweitzer.info/ Albert Schweitzer] - information on Albert Schweitzer's life and thought ** [http://www.albertschweitzer.org.uk/ Friends of Albert Schweitzer (UK)] - a charity promoting Reverence for Life * [http://www.schweitzerfellowship.org/ Albert Schweitzer Fellowship] {{DEFAULTSORT:Schweitzer, Albert}} [[Category:Anti-nuclear weapons activists]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:Philanthropists]] [[Category:Philosophers from Germany]] [[Category:Physicians from Germany]] [[Category:Nobel Peace Prize laureates]] [[Category:1875 births]] [[Category:1965 deaths]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:Theologians from Germany]] [[Category:Lutherans]] [[Category:Musicologists]] [[Category:Historians from Germany]] [[Category:Translators from Germany]] [[Category:Liberals]] [[Category:Nobel laureates from Germany]] 2teu1ctt862m344n4dfo0ffx6pxbxrz 3955174 3955166 2026-06-21T23:35:50Z Kalki 71 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-36045-80|~2026-36045-80]] ([[User talk:~2026-36045-80|talk]]) to last version by Aquila89 3938790 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-D0116-0041-019, Albert Schweitzer.jpg|thumb|right|Only by means of [[w:Reverence for Life|reverence for life]] can we establish a [[spiritual]] and [[humane]] [[relationship]] with both [[people]] and [[all]] [[living]] creatures within our reach. Only in this fashion can we avoid harming others, and, within the limits of our capacity, go to their aid whenever they [[need]] us.]] '''[[w:Albert Schweitzer|Albert Schweitzer]]''' ([[14 January]] [[1875]] – [[4 September]] [[1965]]) was an [[w:Alsace|Alsatian]] [[philosopher]], [[w:philantrophy|philanthropist]], [[physician]], [[theologian]], [[w:missionary|missionary]], and [[w:musicology|musicologist]] who received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1952. == Quotes == [[File:Gathering food in the Okavango.jpg|thumb|right|The [[awareness]] that we are [[all]] [[human]] beings together has become lost in [[war]] and through [[politics]].]] [[File:Portrait of A. Schweitzer Wellcome L0004769.jpg|thumb|Any [[religion]] or [[philosophy]] which is not based on a [[respect]] for [[life]] is not a [[true]] religion or philosophy.]] [[File:Portrait of A. Schweitzer by J. Engel Wellcome L0015830.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] has no special [[time]] of its own. Its hour is [[now]] — always…]] * '''Let me give you a definition of [[ethics]]''': '''It is good to maintain and further [[life]] — it is bad to damage and destroy life. And this ethic, profound and universal, has the significance of a religion. It ''is'' religion.''' ** As quoted in ''Albert Schweitzer : The Man and His Mind'' (1947) by George Seaver, p. 366<!-- also in ''Come to Judgment'' (1980) by Alden Whitman, p. 5 --> * '''The [[awareness]] that we are [[all]] [[human beings]] together has become [[lost]] in [[war]] and through [[politics]]. We have reached the point of regarding each other only as members of a [[people]] either allied with us or against us and our approach; [[prejudice]], [[sympathy]], or [[antipathy]] are all conditioned on that.''' [[Now]] we must rediscover the [[fact]] that we — all together — are human beings, and that we must strive to concede to each other what [[moral]] capacity we have. Only in this way can we begin to believe that in other peoples as well as in ourselves there will arise the need for a new spirit which can be the beginning of a feeling of mutual trustworthiness toward each other. ** Radio appeal for peace, Oslo, Norway (30 March 1958); also in ''Peace or Atomic War'' (1958) Three Appeals Broadcast from Oslo, Norway, on April 28, 29, and 30, 1958. <!-- republished 1972, p.44 --> * '''Any [[religion]] or [[philosophy]] which is not based on a [[respect]] for [[life]] is not a [[true]] religion or philosophy.''' ** Letter to a Japanese Animal Welfare Society (1961); also in ''The Words of Albert Schweitzer'' (1984) edited by ‎Norman Cousins, p. 37 *Defined from outside and quite empirically, complete civilization consists in realizing all possible progress in discovery and invention and in the arrangements of human society, and seeing that they work together for the spiritual perfecting of individuals, which is the real and final object of civilization. Reverence for life is in a position to complete this conception of civilization and to build its foundations on what lies at the core of our being. This it does by defining what is meant by the spiritual perfecting of man and making it consist in reaching the spirituality of an ever-deepening reverence for life. **quoted in Georg Feuerstein, Subhash Kak, and David Frawley. - In search of the cradle of civilization _ new light on ancient India-Quest Books (2011) === ''The Quest of the Historical Jesus'' (1906) === [[File:Leonardo da Vinci, Salvator Mundi, c.1500, oil on walnut, 45.4 × 65.6 cm.jpg|thumb|Each successive epoch of [[theology]] found its own thoughts in [[Jesus]]; that was, indeed, the only way in which it could make Him [[live]]. But it was not only each epoch that found its reflection in Jesus; each [[individual]] created Him in accordance with his own [[character]].]] :<small> '''Geschichte der Leben-Jesu-Forschung''', literally "History of Life-of-Jesus Research", 1st edition, as translated by W. Montgomery (1910) </small> * This dogma had first to be shattered before men could once more go out in quest of the [[historical Jesus]], before they could even grasp the thought of His existence. That the historic Jesus is something different from the Jesus Christ of the doctrine of the Two Natures seems to us now self-evident. We can, at the present day, scarcely imagine the long agony in which the historical view of the life of Jesus came to birth. And even when He was once more recalled to life. He was still, like Lazarus of old, bound hand and foot with grave-clothes — the grave-clothes of the dogma of the Dual Nature. ** p. 3 * Thus each successive epoch of theology found its own thoughts in [[Jesus]]; that was, indeed, the only way in which it could make Him live. But it was not only each epoch that found its reflection in Jesus; each individual created Him in accordance with his own character. There is no historical task which so reveals a man's true self as the writing of a Life of Jesus. ** p. 4 * The ideal "Life of Jesus" [biography] at the close of the nineteenth century is the "Life" which Heinrich Julius Holtzmann did not write — but which can be pieced together from his commentary on the synoptic gospels and his new testament theology. It is ideal because, for one thing, it is unwritten, and arises only in the idea of the reader by the aid of his own imagination, and, for another, because it is traced only in the most general outline. ** p. 296 * The historical Jesus will be to our time a stranger and an enigma. The study of the Life of Jesus has had a curious history. It set out in quest of the historical Jesus, believing that when it had found Him it could bring Him straight into our time as a Teacher and Savior. It loosed the bands by which He had been riveted for centuries to the stony rocks of ecclesiastical doctrine, and rejoiced to see life and movement coming into the figure once more, and the historical Jesus advancing, as it seemed, to meet it. But He does not stay; He passes by our time and returns to His own. What surprised and dismayed the theology of the last forty years was that, despite all forced and arbitrary interpretations, it could not keep Him in our time, but had to let Him go. He returned to his own time, not owing to the application of any historical ingenuity, but by the same inevitable necessity by which the liberated pendulum returns to its original position. ** p. 397 * He comes to us as One unknown, without a name, as of old, by the lake-side, He came to those men who knew Him not. He speaks to us the same word: "Follow thou me!" and sets us to the tasks which He has to fulfil for our time. He commands. And to those who obey Him, whether they be wise or simple, He will reveal Himself in the toils, the conflicts, the sufferings which they shall pass through in His fellowship, and, as an ineffable mystery, they shall learn in their own experience Who He is. ** p. 401 === ''The Quest of the Historical Jesus'' 2nd edition (1913) === :<small>''The Quest of the Historical Jesus'' 2nd edition (1913), as translated by John Bowden et al. (2001) </small> * Modern Christianity must always reckon with the possibility of having to abandon the historical figure of Jesus. Hence it must not artificially increase his importance by referring all theological knowledge to him and developing a ‘christo-centric’ religion: the Lord may always be a mere element in ‘religion’, but he should never be considered its foundation. (p. 402) :<small>Schweitzer, Albert (1913). Geschichte der Leben-Jesu-Forschung (in German) (2nd, Revised and Expanded ed.). Mohr. p. 512. "Das moderne Christentum muss von vornherein und immer mit der Möglichkeit einer eventuellen Preisgabe der Geschichtlichkeit Jesu rechnen."</small> === ''On the Edge of the Primeval Forest'' (1922) === * A word in conclusion about the relations between the whites and blacks. What must be the general character of the intercourse between them? Am I to treat the black man as my equal or my inferior? I must show him that I can respect the dignity of human personality in every one, and this attitude in me he must be able to see for himself; but the essential thing is that there shall be a real feeling of brotherliness. How far this is to find complete expression in the sayings and doings of daily life must be settled by circumstances. The negro is a child, and with children nothing can be done without the use of authority. We must, therefore, so arrange the circumstances of daily life that my natural authority can find expression. With regard to the negroes, then, I have coined the formula: "I am your brother, it is true, but your elder brother."<!-- <br />The combination of friendliness with authority is therefore the great secret of successful intercourse. --> ** [https://archive.org/stream/ontheedgeofthepr007259mbp#page/n163/mode/2up Ch. VII, Social Problems in the Forest, p. 130] (1924 translation by Ch. Th. Campion); Schweitzer later repudiated such statements, saying "'''The time for speaking of older and younger brothers has passed.'''", as quoted in {{cite book |last=Forrow |first=Lachlan |chapter=Foreword | editor-last=Russell | editor-first=C.E.B. | title=African Notebook | publisher=Syracuse University Press | series=Albert Schweitzer library | year=2002 | isbn=978-0-8156-0743-4 | url=http://books.google.com/books?id=qa-TVXEkY3sC&pg=PR13 | access-date=23 June 2017 |p=xiii}} ** Variant: ** The African is my brother — but he is my younger brother by several centuries. *** As quoted in ''The Observer'' (23 October 1955) * '''[[Truth]] has no special [[time]] of its own. Its hour is [[now]] — always, and indeed then most truly when it seems most unsuitable to actual circumstances.''' Care for distress at [[home]] and care for distress elsewhere do but help each other if, working together, they [[Wakefulness|wake]] men in sufficient numbers from their thoughtlessness, and call into [[life]] a new [[spirit]] of [[humanity]]. ** Ch. XI : Conclusion [http://books.google.com/books?id=t_AYAAAAMAAJ&q=%22Truth+has+no+special+time+of+its+own+its+hour+is+now+always%22&pg=PA117#v=onepage (1956 edition)] === ''Kulturphilosophie'' (1923) === :<small>Translated by C. T. Campion as ''Philosophy of Civilisation'' (1949) </small> <!-- No volume or chapters are yet specified for these first quotes --> * '''Until he extends the [[circle]] of his [[compassion]] to [[all]] [[living]] things, man will not himself find [[peace]].''' ** Variant translation: Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace. ** Variant translation: Until we extend the circle of compassion to all living things, we will not ourselves find peace. * The [[good]] [[conscience]] is an [[invention]] of the [[devil]]. ** ''Variant translation:'' The quiet conscience is an invention of the devil. ==== Vol. 1 : The Decay and the Restoration of Civilization ==== * '''The [[ethical]] [[ideas]] on which [[civilization]] rests have been wandering about the world, poverty-stricken and homeless.''' No [[theory]] of the [[universe]] has been advanced which can give them solid foundation; in fact not one has made its appearance which can claim for itself solidity and inner consistency. The age of philosophical dogmatism had come to an end, and after that nothing was recognized as truth except the [[science]] which described reality. Complete theories of the universe no longer appeared as fixed [[stars]]; they were regarded as resting on hypothesis, and ranked no higher than [[comets]]. ** Ch. 1 How Philosophy is Responsible for the Collapse of Civilization ==== Vol. 2 : Civilization and Ethics ==== [[File:Robot_Arm_Over_Earth_with_Sunburst_-_GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|right|The last [[fact]] which [[knowledge]] can discover is that the [[world]] is a manifestation, and in every way a [[puzzling]] manifestation, of the [[universal]] [[will]] to live.]] [[File:Solar Glory and Brocken spectre 1.jpg|thumb|right|I live my [[life]] in [[God]], in the [[mysterious]] [[divine]] [[personality]] which I do not [[know]] as such in the [[world]], but only [[experience]] as mysterious [[Will]] within myself.]] [[File:American bison k5680-1.jpg|thumb|right|[[True]] [[philosophy]] must start from the most immediate and comprehensive fact of [[consciousness]]: "I am [[life]] that wants to live, in the midst of life that wants to live."]] [[File:Baby ginger monkey.jpg|thumb|right|[[Ethics]] is in its unqualified form extended [[responsibility]] to everything that has [[life]].]] '''Preface:''' * '''Awakening of Western thought will not be complete until that thought steps outside itself and comes to an understanding with the search for a [[world-view]] as this manifests itself in the thought of mankind as a whole.''' We have too long been occupied with the developing series of our own philosophical systems, and have taken no notice of the fact that there is a world-philosophy of which our Western philosophy is only a part. If, however, one conceives philosophy as being a struggle to reach a view of the world as a whole, and seeks out the elementary convictions which are to deepen it and give it a sure foundation, one cannot avoid setting our own thought face to face with that of the Hindus, and of the Chinese in the Far East. … Our Western philosophy, if judged by its own latest pronouncements, is much naiver than we admit to ourselves, and we fail to perceive this only because we have acquired the art of expressing what is simple in a pedantic way. * '''The last fact which knowledge can discover is that the world is a manifestation, and in every way a puzzling manifestation, of the universal will to live.''' * Resignation as to knowledge of the world is for me not an irretrievable plunge into a scepticism which leaves us to drift about in life like a derelict vessel. I see in it that effort of honesty which we must venture to make in order to arrive at the serviceable [[world-view]] which hovers within sight. '''Every world-view which fails to start from resignation in regard to knowledge is artificial and a mere fabrication, for it rests upon an inadmissible interpretation of the universe.''' * [[World-view]] is a product of life-view, not vice versa. * '''Reverence for life, ''veneratio vitæ'', is the most direct and at the same time the profoundest achievement of my will-to-live.''' <br> In reverence for life my knowledge passes into experience. The simple world- and life-affirmation which is within me just because I am will-to-live has, therefore, no need to enter into controversy with itself, if my will-to-live learns to think and yet does not understand the meaning of the world. In spite of the negative results of knowledge, I have to hold fast to world- and life-affirmation and deepen it. '''My life carries its own meaning in itself. This meaning lies in my living out the highest idea which shows itself in my will-to-live, the idea of reverence for life. With that for a starting-point I give value to my own life and to all the will-to-live which surrounds me, I persevere in activity, and I produce values.''' * '''Ethics, too, are nothing but reverence for life. That is what gives me the fundamental principle of morality, namely, that good consists in maintaining, promoting, and enhancing life, and that destroying, injuring, and limiting life are evil.''' * '''Affirmation of the world, which means affirmation of the will-to-live that manifests itself around me, is only possible if I devote myself to other life.''' From an inner necessity, I exert myself in producing values and practising ethics in the world and on the world even though I do not understand the meaning of the world. '''For in world- and life-affirmation and in ethics I carry out the will of the universal will-to-live which reveals itself in me. I live my life in God, in the mysterious divine personality which I do not know as such in the world, but only experience as mysterious Will within myself. <br> Rational thinking which is free from assumptions ends therefore in mysticism.''' To relate oneself in the spirit of reverence for life to the multiform manifestations of the will-to-live which together constitute the world is ethical mysticism. '''All profound [[world-view]] is mysticism, the essence of which is just this: that out of my unsophisticated and naïve existence in the world there comes, as a result of thought about self and the world, spiritual self-devotion to the mysterious infinite Will which is continuously manifested in the universe.''' * From my youth onwards, I have felt sure that all thought which thinks itself out to an issue ends in mysticism. In the stillness of the African jungle I have been able to work out this thought and give it expression. * The restoration of our [[world-view]] can come only as a result of inexorably truth-loving and recklessly courageous thought. Such thinking alone is mature enough to learn by experience how the rational, when it thinks itself out to a conclusion, passes necessarily over into the non-rational. World- and life-affirmation and ethics are non-rational. They are not justified by any corresponding knowledge of the nature of the world, but are the disposition in which, through the inner compulsion of our will-to-live, we determine our relation to the world. <br> '''What the activity of this disposition of ours means in the evolution of the world, we do not know. Nor can we regulate this activity from outside; we must leave entirely to each individual its shaping and its extension. From every point of view, then, world- and life-affirmation and ethics are non-rational, and we must have the courage to admit it.''' * '''If rational thought thinks itself out to a conclusion, it arrives at something non-rational which, nevertheless, is a necessity of thought. This is the paradox which dominates our spiritual life. If we try to get on without this non-rational element, there result views of the world and of life which have neither vitality nor value.''' * The way to true mysticism leads up through rational thought to deep experience of the world and of our will-to-live. We must all venture once more to be "thinkers," so as to reach mysticism, which is the only direct and the only profound [[world-view]]. We must all wander in the field of knowledge to the point where knowledge passes over into experience of the world. We must all, through thought, become religious.<br>This rational thought must become the prevailing force among us, for all the valuable ideas that we need develop out of it. '''In no other fire than that of the mysticism of reverence for life can the broken sword of idealism be forged anew.''' * '''True philosophy must start from the most immediate and comprehensive fact of consciousness: "I am life that wants to live, in the midst of life that wants to live."''' ** Chapter 26 "The Civilizing Power of the Ethics of Reverence for Life" * '''Never for a moment do we lay aside our mistrust of the ideals established by society, and of the convictions which are kept by it in circulation. We always know that society is full of folly and will deceive us in the matter of humanity. … humanity meaning consideration for the existence and the happiness of individual human beings.''' ** Chapter 26 * '''Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself, but always in the experience which is going on around me.''' It is an uncomfortable doctrine which the true ethics whisper into my ear. You are happy, they say; therefore you are called upon to give much. ** Chapter 26 ---- <!-- specified to this volume but without Chapter citations: --> * '''The disastrous feature of our civilization is that it is far more developed materially than spiritually. Its balance is disturbed''' … Now come the facts to summon us to reflect. They tell us in terribly harsh language that a civilization which develops only on its material side, and not in the sphere of the spirit … heads for disaster. * The ethic of Reverence for Life prompts us to keep each other alert to what troubles us and to speak and act dauntlessly together in discharging the responsibility that we feel. It keeps us watching together for opportunities to bring some sort of help to animals in recompense for the great misery that men inflict upon them, and thus for a moment we escape from the incomprehensible horror of existence. * I must interpret the life about me as I interpret the life that is my own. My life is full of meaning to me. The life around me must be full of significance to itself. If I am to expect others to respect my life, then I must respect the other life I see, however strange it may be to mine. And not only other human life, but all kinds of life: life above mine, if there be such life; life below mine, as I know it to exist. '''Ethics in our Western world has hitherto been largely limited to the relations of man to man. But that is a limited ethics. We need a boundless ethics which will include the animals also.''' * '''A man is really ethical only when he obeys the constraint laid on him to help all life which he is able to succor, and when he goes out of his way to avoid injuring anything living. He does not ask how far this or that life deserves sympathy as valuable in itself, nor how far it is capable of feeling. To him life as such is sacred. He shatters no ice crystal that sparkles in the sun, tears no leaf from its tree, breaks off no flower, and is careful not to crush any insect as he walks.''' If he works by lamplight on a summer evening, he prefers to keep the window shut and to breathe stifling air, rather than to see insect after insect fall on his table with singed and sinking wings. <br> If he goes out in to the street after a rainstorm and sees a worm which has strayed there, he reflects that it will certainly dry up in the sunshine, if it does not quickly regain the damp soil into which it can creep, and so he helps it back from the deadly paving stones into the lush grass. Should he pass by an insect which has fallen into a pool, he spares the time to reach it a leaf or stalk on which it may clamber and save itself. * The man who has become a thinking being feels a compulsion to give every will-to-live the same reverence for life that he gives to his own. He experiences that other life in his own. * '''It is the fate of every truth to be an object of ridicule when it is first acclaimed.''' It was once considered foolish to suppose that black men were really human beings and ought to be treated as such. What was once foolish has now become a recognized truth. Today it is considered as exaggeration to proclaim constant respect for every form of life as being the serious demand of a rational ethic. But the time is coming when people will be amazed that the human race existed so long before it recognized that thoughtless injury to life is incompatible with real ethics. '''Ethics is in its unqualified form extended responsibility to everything that has life.''' === ''Memoirs of Childhood and Youth'' (1924) === [https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uc1.$b471057&seq=1 As translated by CT Campion] [[File:Sitta europaea wildlife 3.jpg|thumb|right|Very little of the great [[cruelty]] shown by men can really be attributed to cruel [[instinct]]. Most of it comes from thoughtlessness or inherited [[habit]].]] * As long as I can remember, I have suffered because of the great misery I saw in the world. I never really knew the artless, youthful joy of living, and I believe that many children feel this way, even when outwardly they seem to be wholly happy and without a single care. * One thing that specially saddened me was that the unfortunate [[animals]] had to suffer so much pain and misery. The sight of an old limping horse, tugged forward by one man while another kept beating it with a stick to get it to the knacker's yard at Colmar, haunted me for weeks. It was quite incomprehensible to me — this was before I began going to school — why in my evening [[prayers]] I should pray for human beings only. So when my mother had prayed with me and had kissed me good-night, I used to add silently a prayer that I had composed myself for all living creatures. It ran thus: "O, heavenly Father, protect and bless all things that have breath; guard them from all evil, and let them sleep in peace." * We came to a tree which was still bare, and on which the birds were singing out gaily in the morning, without any fear of us. Then stooping over like an Indian on the hunt, my companion placed a pebble in the leather of his sling and stretched it. Obeying his peremptory glance I did the same, with frightful twinges of conscience, vowing firmly that I would shoot when he did. At that very moment the church bells began to sound, mingling with the song of the birds in the sunshine. It was the warning bell that came a half-hour before the main bell. For me it was a voice from heaven. I threw the sling down, scaring the birds away, so that they were safe from my companion's sling, and fled home. And ever afterwards when the bells of Holy Week ring out amidst the leafless trees in the sunshine I remember with moving gratitude how they rang into my heart at that time the commandment: Thou shalt not kill. * I have twice gone fishing with rod and line just because other boys asked me to, but this sport was soon made impossible for me by the treatment of the worms that were put on the hook for bait, and the wrenching of the mouths of the fishes that were caught. I gave it up, and even found courage enough to dissuade other boys from going. * '''Very little of the great cruelty shown by men can really be attributed to cruel instinct. Most of it comes from thoughtlessness or inherited habit. The roots of cruelty, therefore, are not so much strong as widespread. But the time must come when inhumanity protected by custom and thoughtlessness will succumb before humanity championed by thought. Let us work that this time may come.''' * '''The great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.''' That is possible for him who never argues and strives with men and facts, but in all experience retires upon himself, and looks for the ultimate cause of things in himself. * I was convinced — and I am so still — that the fundamental principles of Christianity have to be proved true by reasoning, and by no other method. Reason, I said to myself, is given us that we may bring everything within the range of its action, even the most exalted ideas of religion. And this certainty filled me with joy. * As a rule there are in everyone all sorts of good ideas, ready like tinder. But much of this tinder catches fire, or catches it successfully, only when it meets some flame or spark from outside, i.e. from some other person. Often, too, our own light goes out, and is rekindled by some experience we go through with a fellow-man. Thus we have each of us cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flames within us. === ''Out of My Life and Thought : An Autobiography'' (1933) === [[File:3months-old crossbreed cats.jpg|thumb|right|The great fault of [[all]] [[ethics]] hitherto has been that they [[believed]] themselves to have to deal only with the relations of [[man]] to man. In [[reality]], however, the question is what is his [[attitude]] to the [[world]] and [[all]] [[life]] that comes within his reach.]] [[File:Cristo Redentor viewed from the base.jpg|thumb|right|What has been presented as [[Christianity]] during these nineteen centuries is only a [[beginning]], full of mistakes, not full blown Christianity springing from the [[spirit]] of [[Jesus]].]] :<small>''[https://archive.org/details/outofmylifethoug00schw_0 Out of My Life and Thought : An Autobiography]'' (1931), as translated by C. T. Campion (1933)</small> * Every start upon an untrodden path is a venture which only in unusual circumstances looks sensible and likely to be successful. **[http://books.google.com/books?id=qSihr5VGV4YC&q=%22Every+start+upon+an+untrodden+path+is+a+venture+which+only+in+unusual+circumstances+looks+sensible+and+likely+to+be+successful%22&pg=PA90#v=onepage Ch. 9 : I Resolve to Become a Jungle Doctor] * '''Altogether, [[Mental health of Jesus|Jesus never behaves like a man wandering in a system of delusions]]'''. He reacts in absolutely normal fashion to what is said to Him, and to the events that concern Him. '''He is never out of touch with reality.''' ** Ch. 12 : Literary Work During My Medical Course, p. 133. * '''The great fault of [[all]] [[ethics]] hitherto has been that they believed themselves to have to deal only with the relations of man to man. In reality, however, the question is what is his attitude to the world and all life that comes within his reach.''' A man is ethical only when life, as such, is sacred to him, and that of plants and animals as that of his fellow men, and when he devotes himself helpfully to all life that is in need of help. Only the universal ethic of the feeling of responsibility in an ever-widening sphere for all that lives — only that ethic can be founded in thought. … The ethic of Reverence for Life, therefore, comprehends within itself everything that can be described as love, devotion, and sympathy whether in suffering, joy, or effort. ** Ch. 13, p. 188 * '''The ethic of Reverence for Life is the ethic of Love widened into universality.''' **[http://books.google.com/books?id=jHuYuLugqBAC&q=%22The+ethic+of+Reverence+for+Life+is+the+ethic+of+Love+widened+into+universality%22&pg=PA235#v=onepage Epilogue, p. 235] * '''What has been presented as Christianity during these nineteen centuries is only a beginning, full of mistakes, not full blown Christianity springing from the spirit of [[Jesus]].''' ** Epilogue, p. 241 * '''To the question whether I am a pessimist or an optimist, I answer that my knowledge is pessimistic, but my willing and hoping are optimistic.''' ** Epilogue, p. 242 === ''Indian Thought And Its Development'' (1936) === [[File:Dharmachakra Rainbow Wheel.svg|thumb| It belongs to the [[nature]] of [[mysticism]] that it is timeless and appeals to no other authority than that of the [[truth]] which it carries within it.]] :<small>[https://archive.org/details/indianthoughtsan027860mbp ''Indian Thought and Its Development'' (1936) as translated by Charles E. B. Russell]</small> * Indian thought has greatly attracted me since in my youth I first became acquainted with it through reading the works of [[Arthur Schopenhauer]]. From the very beginning I was convinced that all thought is really concerned with the great problem of how man can attain to spiritual union with infinite Being. My attention was drawn to Indian thought because it is busied with this problem and because by its nature it is [[mysticism]]. What I liked about it also was that Indian [[ethics]] are concerned with the behaviour of man to all living beings and not merely with his attitude to his fellow-man and to [[human]] [[society]]. ** Preface, p. vi * There are two great fundamental problems common to all thought: (i) the problem of world- and life-affirmation and world- and life-negation, and (2) the problem of ethics and the relations between ethics and these two forms of man's spiritual attitude to Being. ** Preface, p. vii * We await the Indian thinker who will expound to us the mysticism of spiritual union with infinite Being as it is in itself, not as it is set down in the ancient texts or according to the meaning read into them by their interpreters. <br /> '''It belongs to the nature of mysticism that it is timeless and appeals to no other authority than that of the truth which it carries within it.''' <br /> The pathway from imperfect to perfect recognised truth leads through the valley of reality. ** Ch. XVI : Looking Backward and Forward, p. 256 * '''The deepest thinking is humble. It is only concerned that the flame of truth which it keeps alive should burn with the strongest and purest heat; it does not trouble about the distance to which its brightness penetrates.''' ** Ch. XVI : Looking Backward and Forward, p. 257 === ''The Spiritual Life'' (1947) === :<small>''The Spiritual Life : Selected Writings Of Albert Schweitzer'', originally published as ''Albert Schweitzer: An Anthology'' </small> [[File:Georgia Aquarium - Giant Grouper.jpg|thumb|right|We cannot [[understand]] what happens in the [[universe]]. What is [[glorious]] in it is [[united]] with what is full of horror. What is full of [[meaning]] is united to what is senseless...]] [[File:Cristo degli abissi.jpg|thumb|right|The highest [[knowledge]] is to know that we are surrounded by [[mystery]].]] [[File:Passion of Christ.jpg|thumb|right|Anyone who proposes to do [[good]] must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it.]] [[File:Gian Lorenzo Bernini - Dove of the Holy Spirit.JPG|thumb|right|Man can no longer live for himself [[alone]]. We realize that [[all]] [[life]] is valuable, and that we are [[united]] to all this life.]] [[File:Albert Schweitzer, Etching by Arthur William Heintzelman.jpg|thumb|right|Not one of us [[knows]] what effect his [[life]] produces, and what he gives to others; that is hidden from us and must remain so, though we are often allowed to see some little fraction of it, so that we may not lose [[courage]].]] [[File:ETH-Bibliothek Zürich, Bildarchiv - Com C-AA00-005-001-001 - Dr. Albert Schweitzer.jpg|thumb|The stronger the [[reverence]] for [[natural]] [[life]], the stronger grows also that for [[spiritual]] life.]] * '''We cannot understand what happens in the universe. What is glorious in it is united with what is full of horror. What is full of meaning is united to what is senseless. The spirit of the universe is at once creative and destructive — it creates while it destroys and destroys while it creates, and therefore it remains to us a riddle. And we must inevitably resign ourselves to this.''' ** p. 5 * When in the spring the withered gray of the pastures gives place to green, this is due to the millions of young shoots which sprout up freshly from the old roots. In like manner the revival of thought which is essential for our time can only come through a transformation of the opinions and ideals of the many brought about by individual and universal reflection about the [[meaning of life]] and of the world. ** p. 10 * It is the fate of 'little faiths' of truth that they, true followers of Peter, whether they be Roman or the Protestant observance, cry out and sink in the sea of ideas, where the followers of Paul, believing in the Spirit, walk secure and undismayed. ** p. 32 * '''Christianity has had to give up one piece after another of what it still imagined it possessed in the way of explanations of the universe. In this development it grows more and more into an expression of what constitutes its real nature.''' In a remarkable process of spiritualization it advances further and further from naive naiveté into the region of profound naiveté. The greater the number of explanations that slip from its hands, the more is the first of the Beatitudes, which may indeed be regarded as prophetic word concerning Christianity, fulfilled: "Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the [[w:Kingdom of God|Kingdom of Heaven]]." ** p. 102 * When Christianity becomes conscious of its innermost nature, it realizes that it is godliness rising our of inward constraint. '''The highest knowledge is to know that we are surrounded by mystery.''' Neither knowledge nor hope for the future can be the pivot of our life or determine its direction. It is intended to be solely determined by our allowing ourselves to be gripped by the ethical God, who reveals Himself in us, and by our yielding our will to His. ** p. 102 * '''Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it.''' A strength which becomes clearer and stronger through its experience of such obstacles is the only strength that can conquer them. Resistance is only a waste of strength. ** p. 164 * '''Not one of us knows what effect his life produces, and what he gives to others; that is hidden from us and must remain so, though we are often allowed to see some little fraction of it, so that we may not lose courage.''' ** p. 164 * '''The deeper we look into nature, the more we recognize that it is full of life, and the more profoundly we know that all life is a secret and that we are united with all life that is in nature. Man can no longer live for himself alone. We realize that all life is valuable, and that we are united to all this life.''' From this knowledge comes our spiritual relationship to the universe. ** p. 248 * Most men are scantily nourished on a modicum of happiness and a number of empty thoughts which life lays on their plates. They are kept in the road of life through stern necessity by elemental duties which they cannot avoid. <br>Again and again their will-to-live becomes, as it were, intoxicated: spring sunshine, opening flowers, moving clouds, waving fields of grain — all affect it. The manifold will-to-live, which is known to us in the splendid phenomena in which it clothes itself, grasps at their personal wills. They would fain join their shouts to the mighty symphony which is proceeding all around them. The world seem beauteous...but the intoxication passes. Dreadful discords only allow them to hear a confused noise, as before, where they had thought to catch the strains of glorious music. The beauty of nature is obscured by the suffering which they discover in every direction. And now they see again that they are driven about like shipwrecked persons on the waste of ocean, only that the boat is at one moment lifted high on the crest of the waves and a moment later sinks deep into the trough; and that now sunshine and now darkening clouds lie on the surface of the water. <br> And now they would fain persuade themselves that land lies on the horizon toward which they are driven. Their will-to-live befools their intellect so that it makes efforts to see the world as it would like to see it. It forces this intellect to show them a map which lends support to their hope of land. Once again they essay to reach the shore, until finally their arms sink exhausted for the last time and their eyes rove desperately from wave to wave. … <br>Thus it is with the will-to-live when it is unreflective. <br> But is there no way out of this dilemma? Must we either drift aimlessly through lack of reflection or sink in pessimism as the result of reflection? No. We must indeed attempt the limitless ocean, but we may set our sails and steer a determined course. ** p. 256 * The mistake made by all previous systems of ethics has been the failure to recognize that life as such is the mysterious value with which they have to deal. All spiritual life meets us within natural life. Reverence for life, therefore, is applied to natural life and spiritual life alike. In the parable of Jesus, the shepherd saves not merely the soul of the lost sheep but the whole animal. The stronger the reverence for natural life, the stronger grows also that for spiritual life. ** p. 264 * '''The ethic of reverence for life constrains all, in whatever walk of life they may find themselves, to busy themselves intimately with all the human and vital processes which are being played out around them, and to give themselves as men to the man who needs human help and sympathy. It does not allow the scholar to live for his science alone, even if he is very useful to the community in so doing. It does not permit the artist to exist only for his art, even if he gives inspiration to many by its means. It refuses to let the business man imagine that he fulfills all legitimate demands in the course of his business activities.''' It demands from all that they should sacrifice a portion of their own lives for others. In what way and in what measure this is his duty, this everyone must decide on the basis of the thoughts which arise in himself, and the circumstances which attend the course of his own life. The self-sacrifice of one may not be particularly in evidence. He carries it out simply by continuing his normal life. Another is called to some striking self-surrender which obliges him to set on one side all regard for his own progress. Let no one measure himself by his conclusions respecting someone else. '''The destiny of men has to fulfill itself in a thousand ways, so that goodness may be actualized. What every individual has to contribute remains his own secret. But we must all mutually share in the knowledge that our existence only attains its true value when we have experienced in ourselves the truth of the declaration: 'He who loses his life shall find it.' ''' ** p. 267 * '''To the man who is truly ethical all life is sacred, including that which from the human point of view seems lower in the scale. He makes distinctions only as each case comes before him, and under the pressure of necessity, as, for example, when it falls to him to decide which of two lives he must sacrifice in order to preserve the other.''' But all through this series of decisions he is conscious of acting on subjective grounds and arbitrarily, and knows that he bears the responsibility for the life which is sacrificed. ** p. 269 * '''There slowly grew up in me an unshakable conviction that we have no right to inflict suffering and death on another living creature unless there is some unavoidable necessity for it, and that we ought all of us to feel what a horrible thing it is to cause suffering and death out of mere thoughtlessness.''' And this conviction has influenced me only more and more strongly with time. I have grown more and more certain that at the bottom of our heart we all think this, and that we fail to acknowledge it because we are afraid of being laughed at by other people as sentimentalists, though partly also because we allow our best feelings to get blunted. But I vowed that I would never let my feelings get blunted, and that I would never be afraid of the reproach of sentimentalism. ** p. 275 * '''Faith which refuses to face indisputable facts is but little faith. Truth is always gain, however hard it is to accommodate ourselves to it. To linger in any kind of untruth proves to be a departure from the straight way of faith.''' ** p. 290 * We do not have a complete and satisfying knowledge of the world. We are reduced to the simple conclusion that everywhere in the world there is life like ourselves and that all life is shrouded in mystery. A true acquaintance with the world consists in being filled with a sense of the mystery of existence and life. This mystery becomes only more mysterious with every advance in scientific research. To be filled with the mystery of life is like that which is called in the language of [[mysticism]] the "wise ignorance," an ignorance which is nonetheless knowledge of the [[essential]]. ** p. 304 * '''The [[thinking]] [[Human|man]] must<!-- therefore --> … oppose all [[cruel]] [[customs]] no matter how deeply rooted in [[tradition]] and surrounded by a halo. [[True]] [[manhood]] is too precious a [[spiritual]] good for us to surrender any part of it to [[thoughtlessness]].''' ** p. 305; also in ''The Animal World of Albert Schweitzer'' (1950), p. 179 ** Variant : The thinking man must oppose all cruel customs no matter how deeply rooted in tradition and surrounded by a halo. When we have a choice, we must avoid bringing torment and injury into the life of another, even the lowliest creature; to do so is to renounce our manhood and shoulder a guilt which nothing justifies. ** As quoted in ''Becoming Vegan : The Complete Guide to Adopting a Healthy Plant-based Diet'' (2000) by Brenda Davis and Vesanto Melina, p. 261 * '''We cannot abdicate our conscience to an organization, nor to a government. 'Am I my brother's keeper?' Most certainly I am! I cannot escape my responsibility by saying the State will do all that is necessary. It is a tragedy that nowadays so many think and feel otherwise. ''' ** p. 309 === God's Own Man (1952) === [[File:Albert Schweitzer 1965.jpg|thumb|[[Example]] is not the main thing. It is the only thing. … Only as a man has [[simplicity]] can his example [[influence]] others.]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=qTAoAAAAMAAJ&q=%22example+is+not+the+main+thing%22&dq=%22example+is+not+the+main+thing%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjz7f_2v6vMAhUJxmMKHeEAB-QQ6AEIHDAA Interview with Eugene Exman, published in ''United Nations World'' magazine]</small> * Example is not the main thing. It is the only thing. That is, if the one giving the example is not saying to himself, 'Behold I am giving an example.' That spoils it. Anyone thinking of the example he will give to others has lost his simplicity. Only as a man has simplicity can his example influence others. ** Sometimes presented in paraphrased form, such as [https://books.google.com/books?id=5Za7o6teOHoC&pg=PR18&dq=%22example+is+not+the+main+thing%22+schweitzer&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjFh4m9vqvMAhUG02MKHRqZDtsQ6AEIMzAE#v=onepage&q=%22example%20is%20not%20the%20main%20thing%22%20&f=false "Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it is the ''only'' thing"]. === The Problem of Peace (1954) === [[File:LuMaxArt_Golden_Family_With_World_Religions.jpg|thumb|right|Many a [[truth]] has lain unnoticed for a long [[time]], ignored simply because no one perceived its potential for becoming [[reality]].]] :<small>[http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1952/schweitzer-lecture.html Nobel Lecture: The Problem of Peace] (4 November 1954)</small> * We have learned to tolerate the facts of [[war]]: that men are killed en masse — some twenty million in the Second World War — that whole cities and their inhabitants are annihilated by the atomic bomb, that men are turned into living torches by incendiary bombs. '''We learn of these things from the radio or newspapers and we judge them according to whether they signify success for the group of peoples to which we belong, or for our enemies. When we do admit to ourselves that such acts are the results of inhuman conduct, our admission is accompanied by the thought that the very fact of war itself leaves us no option but to accept them. In resigning ourselves to our fate without a struggle, we are guilty of inhumanity.''' * What really matters is that we should all of us realize that we are guilty of inhumanity. The horror of this realization should shake us out of our lethargy so that we can direct our hopes and our intentions to the coming of an era in which war will have no place. * The only originality I claim is that for me this truth goes hand in hand with the intellectual certainty that the human spirit is capable of creating in our time a new mentality, an ethical mentality. Inspired by this certainty, I too proclaim this truth in the hope that my testimony may help to prevent its rejection as an admirable sentiment but a practical impossibility. '''Many a [[truth]] has lain unnoticed for a long [[time]], ignored simply because no one perceived its potential for becoming [[reality]].''' * Only when an ideal of peace is born in the minds of the peoples will the institutions set up to maintain this peace effectively fulfill the function expected of them. * '''May the men who hold the destiny of peoples in their hands, studiously avoid anything that might cause the present situation to deteriorate and become even more [[dangerous]]. May they take to heart the words of the Apostle [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]]: "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." These words are valid not only for individuals, but for nations as well. May these nations, in their efforts to maintain peace, do their utmost to give the spirit time to grow and to act.''' === ''Reverence for Life'' (1969) === [[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|A man [[believes]] in [[eternal]] [[life]] because it is already his, it is a [[present]] [[experience]], and he already [[benefits]] from its [[peace]] and [[joy]]. He cannot describe this experience in [[words]]. He may not be able to [[conform]] his view with the traditional picture of it. But one thing he [[knows]] for certain: Something within us does not pass away, something goes on living and [[working]] wherever [[Kingdom of God|the kingdom]] of the [[spirit]] is present.]] [[File:Logo of ÖASG.png|thumb|The only way out of today's [[misery]] is for [[people]] to become [[worthy]] of each other's [[trust]].]] * At sunset of the third day, near the village of Igendja, we moved along an island set in the middle of the wide river. On a sandback to our left, four hippopotamuses and their young plodded along in our same direction. '''Just then, in my great tiredness and discouragement, the phrase "[[w:Reverence for Life|Reverence for Life]]" struck me like a flash. As far as I knew, it was a phrase I had never heard nor ever read.''' I realized at once that it carried within itself the solution to the problem that had been torturing me. Now I knew that a system of values which concerns itself only with our relationship to other people is incomplete and therefore lacking in power for good. '''Only by means of reverence for life can we establish a spiritual and humane relationship with both people and all living creatures within our reach. Only in this fashion can we avoid harming others, and, within the limits of our capacity, go to their aid whenever they need us.''' * I am life which wants to live admidst of lives that want to live. ** ''Ich bin Leben, das leben will, inmitten von Leben, das leben will.'' ** Source: ''[http://books.google.pl/books?id=q7MCqUIN7hkC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false Die Ehrfurcht vor dem Leben]'', C.H.Beck, 2008, p. 111 * Those who thank God much are the truly wealthy. So our inner happiness depends not on what we experience but on the degree of our gratitude to God, whatever the experience. * Whoever has looked into the eyes of Jesus as he appears to us in his words knows that true happiness consists of service to this great One and his Spirit — and a life offered to his work. Those who accept this mode of life, who know how to live it, become brothers and sisters. * The man who dares to live his [[life]] with [[death]] before his [[eyes]], the man who receives life back bit by bit and lives as though it did not belong to him by right but has been bestowed on him as a [[gift]], the man who has such [[freedom]] and [[peace]] of mind that he has overcome death in his thoughts — '''such man [[believes]] in [[eternal]] [[life]] because it is already his, it is a [[present]] [[experience]], and he already [[benefits]] from its peace and [[joy]]. He cannot describe this experience in [[words]]. He may not be able to [[conform]] his view with the traditional picture of it. But one thing he [[knows]] for certain: Something within us does not pass away, something goes on living and [[working]] wherever [[Kingdom of God|the kingdom]] of the [[spirit]] is present.''' It is already working and living within us, because in our [[hearts]] we have been able to reach life by overcoming death. * I do not want to frighten you by telling you about the temptations life will bring. Anyone who is [[healthy]] in spirit will overcome them. But there is something I want you to realize. '''It does not matter so much what you do. What matters is whether your soul is harmed by what you do.''' If your soul is harmed, something irreparable happens, the extent of which you won't realize until it will be too late. * '''Don't let your hearts grow numb. Stay alert.''' It is your soul which matters. * '''Not less strong than the will to truth must be the will to sincerity.''' Only an age, which can show the courage of sincerity, can possess truth, which works as a spiritual force within it. * Only at quite rare moments have I felt really glad to be alive. I could not but feel with a sympathy full of regret all the pain that I saw around me, not only that of men but that of the whole creation. From this community of suffering I have never tried to withdraw myself. It seemed to me a matter of course that we should all take our share of the burden of pain which lies upon the world. * '''Profound love demands a deep conception and out of this develops reverence for the mystery of life. It brings us close to all beings, to the poorest and smallest as well as all others.''' *''' The only way out of today's [[misery]] is for [[people]] to become [[worthy]] of each other's [[trust]].''' {{disputed begin}} ==Disputed== * Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation. ** This quote was attributed to Albert Schweitzer by Rachel Carson on p. 17 of her seminal work ''Silent Spring'' (1962), and is widely cited on various Internet websites, but an actual source from Schweitzer’s works is elusive. * I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know, the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve. ** Widely attributed to Schwietzer online, no known original source. {{disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * I have given my life to try to alleviate the sufferings of Africa. There is something that all white men who have lived here like I must learn and know: that these individuals are a sub-race. They have neither the intellectual, mental, or emotional abilities to equate or to share equally with white men in any function of our civilization. I have given my life to try to bring them the advantages which our civilization must offer, but I have become well aware that we must retain this status: the superior and they the inferior. For whenever a white man seeks to live among them as their equals they will either destroy him or devour him. And they will destroy all of his work. Let white men from anywhere in the world, who would come to Africa, remember that you must continually retain this status; you the master and they the inferior like children that you would help or teach. Never fraternize with them as equals. Never accept them as your social equals or they will devour you. They will destroy you. ** This has usually been presented as something "said shortly before his death" without any definite source, but appears to be entirely spurious. Lachlan Forrow, president of The Albert Schweitzer Fellowship, [https://web.archive.org/web/20090227095752/https://www.schweitzer.org/english/diverse/asefaq.htm wrote] "'''This quote is utterly false and is an outrageously inaccurate picture of Dr. Schweitzer’s view of Africans. Dr. Schweitzer never said or wrote anything remotely like this. It does NOT appear in the book African Notebook.'''" This refers to some citations of it being from ''Afrikanische Geschichten'' (1938), which was translated as ''From My African Notebook'' (1939) by Mrs. C. E. B Russell. ** First misattributed in the neo-nazi publication [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/The_Liberty_Bell/bmUfAQAAMAAJ ''The Liberty Bell'', Vol. 6, (1978) published by George P. Dietz] {{Misattributed end}} ==Quotes about Schweitzer== [[File:Albert Einstein Head.jpg|thumb|He [[simply]] acted out of inner [[necessity]]. ~ [[Albert Einstein]] ]] * To me, Dr. Schweitzer is the one truly great individuals our modern times have produced. ** [[Rachel Carson]], 1963 Speech in ''Rachel Carson: Silent Spring & Other Writings on the Environment'' * '''Few authors in modern times can be said to have redirected the course of an entire field of study. In 1906, Albert Schweitzer did, with his brilliant monograph, ''[[w:The Quest of the Historical Jesus|The Quest of the Historical Jesus]]'''''... Schweitzer was convinced that [[Jesus]] was an [[w:apocalypticist|apocalypticist]].<br />Schweitzer is best known, of course, for his humanitarian endeavors. After giving up an extraordinarily promising academic career as a philosopher-theologian in Strasbourg to establish a medical mission in French Equatorial Africa, he spent his life curing the sick in his jungle clinic, far removed from the ivy towers of the European intellectual scene. ...<br />The bulk of his book recounts the attempts since the Enlightenment to produce a life of Jesus. '''With scathing wit, penetrating analysis, and inimitable turns of phrase, Schweitzer shows that every generation of scholars that attempted to write a life of Jesus in fact portrayed Jesus in its own image.''' ... Schweitzer demonstrates this thesis through an exhaustive analysis of the entire history of scholarship on Jesus—from its beginnings in 1776 with a posthumously published account of a German scholar named [[Hermann Samuel Reimarus|H. Reimarus]], who argued that Jesus was a political revolutionary whose violent activities were covered up by the Gospel writers, to the rationalist views of [[w:Heinrich Paulus|Heinrich Paulus]] and the myth-oriented response of [[w:David Strauss|D. F. Strauss]]... on down to his own day. ... he scorns every attempt to make Jesus into a modern man, who promoted, in substance, the religious, political, cultural, or social agenda of modern European intellectuals. For Schweitzer, Jesus was a man of the past. To understand what he was really like, we must situate him in his own context, not pretend that he fits perfectly well into our own. ... Schweitzer did not think that the historical Jesus shared the problems or perspectives of the twentieth century. Instead, Jesus was a first-century apocalypticist, who never expected that there would be a twentieth century. He thought that the end of the world was coming within his own lifetime. In fact, he expected it to come before the year was out. When it didn't come, Schweitzer argued, Jesus decided that he himself needed to suffer in order for God to bring the heavenly Kingdom here to earth. And so he went to his cross fully expecting God to intervene in history in a climactic act of judgment. When at his last meal he told his disciples that he would not drink wine again until he drank it anew with them in the Kingdom, he was not thinking that this would be two thousand years hence, but in the next day or two. It turns out that Jesus was wrong. He died on the cross mistaken about his own identity and the plan of God. ** [[Bart D. Ehrman]], ''[[w:Jesus: Apocalyptic Prophet of the New Millennium|Jesus: Apocalyptic Prophet of the New Millennium]]'' (1999), pp. 125–127 * '''There, in this sorry [[world]] of ours, is a [[great]] man!''' ** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''The Arthur Andersen Chronicle'', Vol. IX (1947), p. 144 * He did not preach and did not warn and did not dream that his example would be an [[ideal]] and a [[comfort]] to innumerable [[people]]. '''He [[simply]] acted out of inner [[necessity]].''' ** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''Albert Schweitzer: A Biography'' (1989) by George Marshall and David Poling, p. 241 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} * [http://home.pcisys.net/~jnf/ The Albert Schweitzer Page] - A good tribute site with Reviews and excerpts of Schweitzer's Works ** [http://home.pcisys.net/~jnf/mdnstory.html Struggle to Find Life's Meaning] * [http://www.nobel.se/peace/laureates/1952/schweitzer-bio.html Page at the Nobel e-Museum] ** [http://www.nobel.se/peace/laureates/1952/schweitzer-lecture-e.html Nobel Lecture: The Problem of Peace] (November 4, 1954) * [http://medlem.spray.se/atarme/albert.html Brief biography] * [http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/schweitzer/ Online Edition of ''Quest for the Historical Jesus''] * [http://www1.chapman.edu/schweitzer/reverence_readings.html Readings on Reverence for Life] * [http://www.awionline.org/schweitzer/as-idx.htm ''Animals, Nature and Albert Schweitzer'' by Ann Cottrell Free] * [http://www.religion-online.org/showarticle.asp?title=1864 Reconsidering Albert Schweitzer" by David L. Dungan] * [http://negations.icaap.org/issues/98w/hinman_01.html "Albert Schweitzer On the Death of Civilization" by J. L. Hinman] * [http://www.albertschweitzer.info/ Albert Schweitzer] - information on Albert Schweitzer's life and thought ** [http://www.albertschweitzer.org.uk/ Friends of Albert Schweitzer (UK)] - a charity promoting Reverence for Life * [http://www.schweitzerfellowship.org/ Albert Schweitzer Fellowship] {{DEFAULTSORT:Schweitzer, Albert}} [[Category:Anti-nuclear weapons activists]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:Philanthropists]] [[Category:Philosophers from Germany]] [[Category:Physicians from Germany]] [[Category:Nobel Peace Prize laureates]] [[Category:1875 births]] [[Category:1965 deaths]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:Theologians from Germany]] [[Category:Lutherans]] [[Category:Musicologists]] [[Category:Historians from Germany]] [[Category:Translators from Germany]] [[Category:Liberals]] [[Category:Nobel laureates from Germany]] 69levcnj3s2co8scu53a55l7tyn2h6g 3955175 3955174 2026-06-21T23:38:27Z Kalki 71 /* On the Edge of the Primeval Forest (1922) */ 3955175 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-D0116-0041-019, Albert Schweitzer.jpg|thumb|right|Only by means of [[w:Reverence for Life|reverence for life]] can we establish a [[spiritual]] and [[humane]] [[relationship]] with both [[people]] and [[all]] [[living]] creatures within our reach. Only in this fashion can we avoid harming others, and, within the limits of our capacity, go to their aid whenever they [[need]] us.]] '''[[w:Albert Schweitzer|Albert Schweitzer]]''' ([[14 January]] [[1875]] – [[4 September]] [[1965]]) was an [[w:Alsace|Alsatian]] [[philosopher]], [[w:philantrophy|philanthropist]], [[physician]], [[theologian]], [[w:missionary|missionary]], and [[w:musicology|musicologist]] who received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1952. == Quotes == [[File:Gathering food in the Okavango.jpg|thumb|right|The [[awareness]] that we are [[all]] [[human]] beings together has become lost in [[war]] and through [[politics]].]] [[File:Portrait of A. Schweitzer Wellcome L0004769.jpg|thumb|Any [[religion]] or [[philosophy]] which is not based on a [[respect]] for [[life]] is not a [[true]] religion or philosophy.]] [[File:Portrait of A. Schweitzer by J. Engel Wellcome L0015830.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] has no special [[time]] of its own. Its hour is [[now]] — always…]] * '''Let me give you a definition of [[ethics]]''': '''It is good to maintain and further [[life]] — it is bad to damage and destroy life. And this ethic, profound and universal, has the significance of a religion. It ''is'' religion.''' ** As quoted in ''Albert Schweitzer : The Man and His Mind'' (1947) by George Seaver, p. 366<!-- also in ''Come to Judgment'' (1980) by Alden Whitman, p. 5 --> * '''The [[awareness]] that we are [[all]] [[human beings]] together has become [[lost]] in [[war]] and through [[politics]]. We have reached the point of regarding each other only as members of a [[people]] either allied with us or against us and our approach; [[prejudice]], [[sympathy]], or [[antipathy]] are all conditioned on that.''' [[Now]] we must rediscover the [[fact]] that we — all together — are human beings, and that we must strive to concede to each other what [[moral]] capacity we have. Only in this way can we begin to believe that in other peoples as well as in ourselves there will arise the need for a new spirit which can be the beginning of a feeling of mutual trustworthiness toward each other. ** Radio appeal for peace, Oslo, Norway (30 March 1958); also in ''Peace or Atomic War'' (1958) Three Appeals Broadcast from Oslo, Norway, on April 28, 29, and 30, 1958. <!-- republished 1972, p.44 --> * '''Any [[religion]] or [[philosophy]] which is not based on a [[respect]] for [[life]] is not a [[true]] religion or philosophy.''' ** Letter to a Japanese Animal Welfare Society (1961); also in ''The Words of Albert Schweitzer'' (1984) edited by ‎Norman Cousins, p. 37 *Defined from outside and quite empirically, complete civilization consists in realizing all possible progress in discovery and invention and in the arrangements of human society, and seeing that they work together for the spiritual perfecting of individuals, which is the real and final object of civilization. Reverence for life is in a position to complete this conception of civilization and to build its foundations on what lies at the core of our being. This it does by defining what is meant by the spiritual perfecting of man and making it consist in reaching the spirituality of an ever-deepening reverence for life. **quoted in Georg Feuerstein, Subhash Kak, and David Frawley. - In search of the cradle of civilization _ new light on ancient India-Quest Books (2011) === ''The Quest of the Historical Jesus'' (1906) === [[File:Leonardo da Vinci, Salvator Mundi, c.1500, oil on walnut, 45.4 × 65.6 cm.jpg|thumb|Each successive epoch of [[theology]] found its own thoughts in [[Jesus]]; that was, indeed, the only way in which it could make Him [[live]]. But it was not only each epoch that found its reflection in Jesus; each [[individual]] created Him in accordance with his own [[character]].]] :<small> '''Geschichte der Leben-Jesu-Forschung''', literally "History of Life-of-Jesus Research", 1st edition, as translated by W. Montgomery (1910) </small> * This dogma had first to be shattered before men could once more go out in quest of the [[historical Jesus]], before they could even grasp the thought of His existence. That the historic Jesus is something different from the Jesus Christ of the doctrine of the Two Natures seems to us now self-evident. We can, at the present day, scarcely imagine the long agony in which the historical view of the life of Jesus came to birth. And even when He was once more recalled to life. He was still, like Lazarus of old, bound hand and foot with grave-clothes — the grave-clothes of the dogma of the Dual Nature. ** p. 3 * Thus each successive epoch of theology found its own thoughts in [[Jesus]]; that was, indeed, the only way in which it could make Him live. But it was not only each epoch that found its reflection in Jesus; each individual created Him in accordance with his own character. There is no historical task which so reveals a man's true self as the writing of a Life of Jesus. ** p. 4 * The ideal "Life of Jesus" [biography] at the close of the nineteenth century is the "Life" which Heinrich Julius Holtzmann did not write — but which can be pieced together from his commentary on the synoptic gospels and his new testament theology. It is ideal because, for one thing, it is unwritten, and arises only in the idea of the reader by the aid of his own imagination, and, for another, because it is traced only in the most general outline. ** p. 296 * The historical Jesus will be to our time a stranger and an enigma. The study of the Life of Jesus has had a curious history. It set out in quest of the historical Jesus, believing that when it had found Him it could bring Him straight into our time as a Teacher and Savior. It loosed the bands by which He had been riveted for centuries to the stony rocks of ecclesiastical doctrine, and rejoiced to see life and movement coming into the figure once more, and the historical Jesus advancing, as it seemed, to meet it. But He does not stay; He passes by our time and returns to His own. What surprised and dismayed the theology of the last forty years was that, despite all forced and arbitrary interpretations, it could not keep Him in our time, but had to let Him go. He returned to his own time, not owing to the application of any historical ingenuity, but by the same inevitable necessity by which the liberated pendulum returns to its original position. ** p. 397 * He comes to us as One unknown, without a name, as of old, by the lake-side, He came to those men who knew Him not. He speaks to us the same word: "Follow thou me!" and sets us to the tasks which He has to fulfil for our time. He commands. And to those who obey Him, whether they be wise or simple, He will reveal Himself in the toils, the conflicts, the sufferings which they shall pass through in His fellowship, and, as an ineffable mystery, they shall learn in their own experience Who He is. ** p. 401 === ''The Quest of the Historical Jesus'' 2nd edition (1913) === :<small>''The Quest of the Historical Jesus'' 2nd edition (1913), as translated by John Bowden et al. (2001) </small> * Modern Christianity must always reckon with the possibility of having to abandon the historical figure of Jesus. Hence it must not artificially increase his importance by referring all theological knowledge to him and developing a ‘christo-centric’ religion: the Lord may always be a mere element in ‘religion’, but he should never be considered its foundation. (p. 402) :<small>Schweitzer, Albert (1913). Geschichte der Leben-Jesu-Forschung (in German) (2nd, Revised and Expanded ed.). Mohr. p. 512. "Das moderne Christentum muss von vornherein und immer mit der Möglichkeit einer eventuellen Preisgabe der Geschichtlichkeit Jesu rechnen."</small> === ''On the Edge of the Primeval Forest'' (1922) === * A word in conclusion about the relations between the whites and blacks. What must be the general character of the intercourse between them? Am I to treat the black man as my equal or my inferior? I must show him that I can respect the dignity of human personality in every one, and this attitude in me he must be able to see for himself; but the essential thing is that there shall be a real feeling of brotherliness. How far this is to find complete expression in the sayings and doings of daily life must be settled by circumstances. The negro is a child, and with children nothing can be done without the use of authority. We must, therefore, so arrange the circumstances of daily life that my natural authority can find expression. With regard to the negroes, then, I have coined the formula: "I am your brother, it is true, but your elder brother."<!-- <br />The combination of friendliness with authority is therefore the great secret of successful intercourse. --> ** [https://archive.org/stream/ontheedgeofthepr007259mbp#page/n163/mode/2up Ch. VII, Social Problems in the Forest, p. 130] (1924 translation by Ch. Th. Campion); '''Schweitzer later repudiated such statements, saying "The time for speaking of older and younger brothers has passed.'''", as quoted in {{cite book |last=Forrow |first=Lachlan |chapter=Foreword | editor-last=Russell | editor-first=C.E.B. | title=African Notebook | publisher=Syracuse University Press | series=Albert Schweitzer library | year=2002 | isbn=978-0-8156-0743-4 | url=http://books.google.com/books?id=qa-TVXEkY3sC&pg=PR13 | access-date=23 June 2017 |p=xiii}} ** Variant: ** The African is my brother — but he is my younger brother by several centuries. *** As quoted in ''The Observer'' (23 October 1955) * '''[[Truth]] has no special [[time]] of its own. Its hour is [[now]] — always, and indeed then most truly when it seems most unsuitable to actual circumstances.''' Care for distress at [[home]] and care for distress elsewhere do but help each other if, working together, they [[Wakefulness|wake]] men in sufficient numbers from their thoughtlessness, and call into [[life]] a new [[spirit]] of [[humanity]]. ** Ch. XI : Conclusion [http://books.google.com/books?id=t_AYAAAAMAAJ&q=%22Truth+has+no+special+time+of+its+own+its+hour+is+now+always%22&pg=PA117#v=onepage (1956 edition)] === ''Kulturphilosophie'' (1923) === :<small>Translated by C. T. Campion as ''Philosophy of Civilisation'' (1949) </small> <!-- No volume or chapters are yet specified for these first quotes --> * '''Until he extends the [[circle]] of his [[compassion]] to [[all]] [[living]] things, man will not himself find [[peace]].''' ** Variant translation: Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace. ** Variant translation: Until we extend the circle of compassion to all living things, we will not ourselves find peace. * The [[good]] [[conscience]] is an [[invention]] of the [[devil]]. ** ''Variant translation:'' The quiet conscience is an invention of the devil. ==== Vol. 1 : The Decay and the Restoration of Civilization ==== * '''The [[ethical]] [[ideas]] on which [[civilization]] rests have been wandering about the world, poverty-stricken and homeless.''' No [[theory]] of the [[universe]] has been advanced which can give them solid foundation; in fact not one has made its appearance which can claim for itself solidity and inner consistency. The age of philosophical dogmatism had come to an end, and after that nothing was recognized as truth except the [[science]] which described reality. Complete theories of the universe no longer appeared as fixed [[stars]]; they were regarded as resting on hypothesis, and ranked no higher than [[comets]]. ** Ch. 1 How Philosophy is Responsible for the Collapse of Civilization ==== Vol. 2 : Civilization and Ethics ==== [[File:Robot_Arm_Over_Earth_with_Sunburst_-_GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|right|The last [[fact]] which [[knowledge]] can discover is that the [[world]] is a manifestation, and in every way a [[puzzling]] manifestation, of the [[universal]] [[will]] to live.]] [[File:Solar Glory and Brocken spectre 1.jpg|thumb|right|I live my [[life]] in [[God]], in the [[mysterious]] [[divine]] [[personality]] which I do not [[know]] as such in the [[world]], but only [[experience]] as mysterious [[Will]] within myself.]] [[File:American bison k5680-1.jpg|thumb|right|[[True]] [[philosophy]] must start from the most immediate and comprehensive fact of [[consciousness]]: "I am [[life]] that wants to live, in the midst of life that wants to live."]] [[File:Baby ginger monkey.jpg|thumb|right|[[Ethics]] is in its unqualified form extended [[responsibility]] to everything that has [[life]].]] '''Preface:''' * '''Awakening of Western thought will not be complete until that thought steps outside itself and comes to an understanding with the search for a [[world-view]] as this manifests itself in the thought of mankind as a whole.''' We have too long been occupied with the developing series of our own philosophical systems, and have taken no notice of the fact that there is a world-philosophy of which our Western philosophy is only a part. If, however, one conceives philosophy as being a struggle to reach a view of the world as a whole, and seeks out the elementary convictions which are to deepen it and give it a sure foundation, one cannot avoid setting our own thought face to face with that of the Hindus, and of the Chinese in the Far East. … Our Western philosophy, if judged by its own latest pronouncements, is much naiver than we admit to ourselves, and we fail to perceive this only because we have acquired the art of expressing what is simple in a pedantic way. * '''The last fact which knowledge can discover is that the world is a manifestation, and in every way a puzzling manifestation, of the universal will to live.''' * Resignation as to knowledge of the world is for me not an irretrievable plunge into a scepticism which leaves us to drift about in life like a derelict vessel. I see in it that effort of honesty which we must venture to make in order to arrive at the serviceable [[world-view]] which hovers within sight. '''Every world-view which fails to start from resignation in regard to knowledge is artificial and a mere fabrication, for it rests upon an inadmissible interpretation of the universe.''' * [[World-view]] is a product of life-view, not vice versa. * '''Reverence for life, ''veneratio vitæ'', is the most direct and at the same time the profoundest achievement of my will-to-live.''' <br> In reverence for life my knowledge passes into experience. The simple world- and life-affirmation which is within me just because I am will-to-live has, therefore, no need to enter into controversy with itself, if my will-to-live learns to think and yet does not understand the meaning of the world. In spite of the negative results of knowledge, I have to hold fast to world- and life-affirmation and deepen it. '''My life carries its own meaning in itself. This meaning lies in my living out the highest idea which shows itself in my will-to-live, the idea of reverence for life. With that for a starting-point I give value to my own life and to all the will-to-live which surrounds me, I persevere in activity, and I produce values.''' * '''Ethics, too, are nothing but reverence for life. That is what gives me the fundamental principle of morality, namely, that good consists in maintaining, promoting, and enhancing life, and that destroying, injuring, and limiting life are evil.''' * '''Affirmation of the world, which means affirmation of the will-to-live that manifests itself around me, is only possible if I devote myself to other life.''' From an inner necessity, I exert myself in producing values and practising ethics in the world and on the world even though I do not understand the meaning of the world. '''For in world- and life-affirmation and in ethics I carry out the will of the universal will-to-live which reveals itself in me. I live my life in God, in the mysterious divine personality which I do not know as such in the world, but only experience as mysterious Will within myself. <br> Rational thinking which is free from assumptions ends therefore in mysticism.''' To relate oneself in the spirit of reverence for life to the multiform manifestations of the will-to-live which together constitute the world is ethical mysticism. '''All profound [[world-view]] is mysticism, the essence of which is just this: that out of my unsophisticated and naïve existence in the world there comes, as a result of thought about self and the world, spiritual self-devotion to the mysterious infinite Will which is continuously manifested in the universe.''' * From my youth onwards, I have felt sure that all thought which thinks itself out to an issue ends in mysticism. In the stillness of the African jungle I have been able to work out this thought and give it expression. * The restoration of our [[world-view]] can come only as a result of inexorably truth-loving and recklessly courageous thought. Such thinking alone is mature enough to learn by experience how the rational, when it thinks itself out to a conclusion, passes necessarily over into the non-rational. World- and life-affirmation and ethics are non-rational. They are not justified by any corresponding knowledge of the nature of the world, but are the disposition in which, through the inner compulsion of our will-to-live, we determine our relation to the world. <br> '''What the activity of this disposition of ours means in the evolution of the world, we do not know. Nor can we regulate this activity from outside; we must leave entirely to each individual its shaping and its extension. From every point of view, then, world- and life-affirmation and ethics are non-rational, and we must have the courage to admit it.''' * '''If rational thought thinks itself out to a conclusion, it arrives at something non-rational which, nevertheless, is a necessity of thought. This is the paradox which dominates our spiritual life. If we try to get on without this non-rational element, there result views of the world and of life which have neither vitality nor value.''' * The way to true mysticism leads up through rational thought to deep experience of the world and of our will-to-live. We must all venture once more to be "thinkers," so as to reach mysticism, which is the only direct and the only profound [[world-view]]. We must all wander in the field of knowledge to the point where knowledge passes over into experience of the world. We must all, through thought, become religious.<br>This rational thought must become the prevailing force among us, for all the valuable ideas that we need develop out of it. '''In no other fire than that of the mysticism of reverence for life can the broken sword of idealism be forged anew.''' * '''True philosophy must start from the most immediate and comprehensive fact of consciousness: "I am life that wants to live, in the midst of life that wants to live."''' ** Chapter 26 "The Civilizing Power of the Ethics of Reverence for Life" * '''Never for a moment do we lay aside our mistrust of the ideals established by society, and of the convictions which are kept by it in circulation. We always know that society is full of folly and will deceive us in the matter of humanity. … humanity meaning consideration for the existence and the happiness of individual human beings.''' ** Chapter 26 * '''Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself, but always in the experience which is going on around me.''' It is an uncomfortable doctrine which the true ethics whisper into my ear. You are happy, they say; therefore you are called upon to give much. ** Chapter 26 ---- <!-- specified to this volume but without Chapter citations: --> * '''The disastrous feature of our civilization is that it is far more developed materially than spiritually. Its balance is disturbed''' … Now come the facts to summon us to reflect. They tell us in terribly harsh language that a civilization which develops only on its material side, and not in the sphere of the spirit … heads for disaster. * The ethic of Reverence for Life prompts us to keep each other alert to what troubles us and to speak and act dauntlessly together in discharging the responsibility that we feel. It keeps us watching together for opportunities to bring some sort of help to animals in recompense for the great misery that men inflict upon them, and thus for a moment we escape from the incomprehensible horror of existence. * I must interpret the life about me as I interpret the life that is my own. My life is full of meaning to me. The life around me must be full of significance to itself. If I am to expect others to respect my life, then I must respect the other life I see, however strange it may be to mine. And not only other human life, but all kinds of life: life above mine, if there be such life; life below mine, as I know it to exist. '''Ethics in our Western world has hitherto been largely limited to the relations of man to man. But that is a limited ethics. We need a boundless ethics which will include the animals also.''' * '''A man is really ethical only when he obeys the constraint laid on him to help all life which he is able to succor, and when he goes out of his way to avoid injuring anything living. He does not ask how far this or that life deserves sympathy as valuable in itself, nor how far it is capable of feeling. To him life as such is sacred. He shatters no ice crystal that sparkles in the sun, tears no leaf from its tree, breaks off no flower, and is careful not to crush any insect as he walks.''' If he works by lamplight on a summer evening, he prefers to keep the window shut and to breathe stifling air, rather than to see insect after insect fall on his table with singed and sinking wings. <br> If he goes out in to the street after a rainstorm and sees a worm which has strayed there, he reflects that it will certainly dry up in the sunshine, if it does not quickly regain the damp soil into which it can creep, and so he helps it back from the deadly paving stones into the lush grass. Should he pass by an insect which has fallen into a pool, he spares the time to reach it a leaf or stalk on which it may clamber and save itself. * The man who has become a thinking being feels a compulsion to give every will-to-live the same reverence for life that he gives to his own. He experiences that other life in his own. * '''It is the fate of every truth to be an object of ridicule when it is first acclaimed.''' It was once considered foolish to suppose that black men were really human beings and ought to be treated as such. What was once foolish has now become a recognized truth. Today it is considered as exaggeration to proclaim constant respect for every form of life as being the serious demand of a rational ethic. But the time is coming when people will be amazed that the human race existed so long before it recognized that thoughtless injury to life is incompatible with real ethics. '''Ethics is in its unqualified form extended responsibility to everything that has life.''' === ''Memoirs of Childhood and Youth'' (1924) === [https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uc1.$b471057&seq=1 As translated by CT Campion] [[File:Sitta europaea wildlife 3.jpg|thumb|right|Very little of the great [[cruelty]] shown by men can really be attributed to cruel [[instinct]]. Most of it comes from thoughtlessness or inherited [[habit]].]] * As long as I can remember, I have suffered because of the great misery I saw in the world. I never really knew the artless, youthful joy of living, and I believe that many children feel this way, even when outwardly they seem to be wholly happy and without a single care. * One thing that specially saddened me was that the unfortunate [[animals]] had to suffer so much pain and misery. The sight of an old limping horse, tugged forward by one man while another kept beating it with a stick to get it to the knacker's yard at Colmar, haunted me for weeks. It was quite incomprehensible to me — this was before I began going to school — why in my evening [[prayers]] I should pray for human beings only. So when my mother had prayed with me and had kissed me good-night, I used to add silently a prayer that I had composed myself for all living creatures. It ran thus: "O, heavenly Father, protect and bless all things that have breath; guard them from all evil, and let them sleep in peace." * We came to a tree which was still bare, and on which the birds were singing out gaily in the morning, without any fear of us. Then stooping over like an Indian on the hunt, my companion placed a pebble in the leather of his sling and stretched it. Obeying his peremptory glance I did the same, with frightful twinges of conscience, vowing firmly that I would shoot when he did. At that very moment the church bells began to sound, mingling with the song of the birds in the sunshine. It was the warning bell that came a half-hour before the main bell. For me it was a voice from heaven. I threw the sling down, scaring the birds away, so that they were safe from my companion's sling, and fled home. And ever afterwards when the bells of Holy Week ring out amidst the leafless trees in the sunshine I remember with moving gratitude how they rang into my heart at that time the commandment: Thou shalt not kill. * I have twice gone fishing with rod and line just because other boys asked me to, but this sport was soon made impossible for me by the treatment of the worms that were put on the hook for bait, and the wrenching of the mouths of the fishes that were caught. I gave it up, and even found courage enough to dissuade other boys from going. * '''Very little of the great cruelty shown by men can really be attributed to cruel instinct. Most of it comes from thoughtlessness or inherited habit. The roots of cruelty, therefore, are not so much strong as widespread. But the time must come when inhumanity protected by custom and thoughtlessness will succumb before humanity championed by thought. Let us work that this time may come.''' * '''The great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.''' That is possible for him who never argues and strives with men and facts, but in all experience retires upon himself, and looks for the ultimate cause of things in himself. * I was convinced — and I am so still — that the fundamental principles of Christianity have to be proved true by reasoning, and by no other method. Reason, I said to myself, is given us that we may bring everything within the range of its action, even the most exalted ideas of religion. And this certainty filled me with joy. * As a rule there are in everyone all sorts of good ideas, ready like tinder. But much of this tinder catches fire, or catches it successfully, only when it meets some flame or spark from outside, i.e. from some other person. Often, too, our own light goes out, and is rekindled by some experience we go through with a fellow-man. Thus we have each of us cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flames within us. === ''Out of My Life and Thought : An Autobiography'' (1933) === [[File:3months-old crossbreed cats.jpg|thumb|right|The great fault of [[all]] [[ethics]] hitherto has been that they [[believed]] themselves to have to deal only with the relations of [[man]] to man. In [[reality]], however, the question is what is his [[attitude]] to the [[world]] and [[all]] [[life]] that comes within his reach.]] [[File:Cristo Redentor viewed from the base.jpg|thumb|right|What has been presented as [[Christianity]] during these nineteen centuries is only a [[beginning]], full of mistakes, not full blown Christianity springing from the [[spirit]] of [[Jesus]].]] :<small>''[https://archive.org/details/outofmylifethoug00schw_0 Out of My Life and Thought : An Autobiography]'' (1931), as translated by C. T. Campion (1933)</small> * Every start upon an untrodden path is a venture which only in unusual circumstances looks sensible and likely to be successful. **[http://books.google.com/books?id=qSihr5VGV4YC&q=%22Every+start+upon+an+untrodden+path+is+a+venture+which+only+in+unusual+circumstances+looks+sensible+and+likely+to+be+successful%22&pg=PA90#v=onepage Ch. 9 : I Resolve to Become a Jungle Doctor] * '''Altogether, [[Mental health of Jesus|Jesus never behaves like a man wandering in a system of delusions]]'''. He reacts in absolutely normal fashion to what is said to Him, and to the events that concern Him. '''He is never out of touch with reality.''' ** Ch. 12 : Literary Work During My Medical Course, p. 133. * '''The great fault of [[all]] [[ethics]] hitherto has been that they believed themselves to have to deal only with the relations of man to man. In reality, however, the question is what is his attitude to the world and all life that comes within his reach.''' A man is ethical only when life, as such, is sacred to him, and that of plants and animals as that of his fellow men, and when he devotes himself helpfully to all life that is in need of help. Only the universal ethic of the feeling of responsibility in an ever-widening sphere for all that lives — only that ethic can be founded in thought. … The ethic of Reverence for Life, therefore, comprehends within itself everything that can be described as love, devotion, and sympathy whether in suffering, joy, or effort. ** Ch. 13, p. 188 * '''The ethic of Reverence for Life is the ethic of Love widened into universality.''' **[http://books.google.com/books?id=jHuYuLugqBAC&q=%22The+ethic+of+Reverence+for+Life+is+the+ethic+of+Love+widened+into+universality%22&pg=PA235#v=onepage Epilogue, p. 235] * '''What has been presented as Christianity during these nineteen centuries is only a beginning, full of mistakes, not full blown Christianity springing from the spirit of [[Jesus]].''' ** Epilogue, p. 241 * '''To the question whether I am a pessimist or an optimist, I answer that my knowledge is pessimistic, but my willing and hoping are optimistic.''' ** Epilogue, p. 242 === ''Indian Thought And Its Development'' (1936) === [[File:Dharmachakra Rainbow Wheel.svg|thumb| It belongs to the [[nature]] of [[mysticism]] that it is timeless and appeals to no other authority than that of the [[truth]] which it carries within it.]] :<small>[https://archive.org/details/indianthoughtsan027860mbp ''Indian Thought and Its Development'' (1936) as translated by Charles E. B. Russell]</small> * Indian thought has greatly attracted me since in my youth I first became acquainted with it through reading the works of [[Arthur Schopenhauer]]. From the very beginning I was convinced that all thought is really concerned with the great problem of how man can attain to spiritual union with infinite Being. My attention was drawn to Indian thought because it is busied with this problem and because by its nature it is [[mysticism]]. What I liked about it also was that Indian [[ethics]] are concerned with the behaviour of man to all living beings and not merely with his attitude to his fellow-man and to [[human]] [[society]]. ** Preface, p. vi * There are two great fundamental problems common to all thought: (i) the problem of world- and life-affirmation and world- and life-negation, and (2) the problem of ethics and the relations between ethics and these two forms of man's spiritual attitude to Being. ** Preface, p. vii * We await the Indian thinker who will expound to us the mysticism of spiritual union with infinite Being as it is in itself, not as it is set down in the ancient texts or according to the meaning read into them by their interpreters. <br /> '''It belongs to the nature of mysticism that it is timeless and appeals to no other authority than that of the truth which it carries within it.''' <br /> The pathway from imperfect to perfect recognised truth leads through the valley of reality. ** Ch. XVI : Looking Backward and Forward, p. 256 * '''The deepest thinking is humble. It is only concerned that the flame of truth which it keeps alive should burn with the strongest and purest heat; it does not trouble about the distance to which its brightness penetrates.''' ** Ch. XVI : Looking Backward and Forward, p. 257 === ''The Spiritual Life'' (1947) === :<small>''The Spiritual Life : Selected Writings Of Albert Schweitzer'', originally published as ''Albert Schweitzer: An Anthology'' </small> [[File:Georgia Aquarium - Giant Grouper.jpg|thumb|right|We cannot [[understand]] what happens in the [[universe]]. What is [[glorious]] in it is [[united]] with what is full of horror. What is full of [[meaning]] is united to what is senseless...]] [[File:Cristo degli abissi.jpg|thumb|right|The highest [[knowledge]] is to know that we are surrounded by [[mystery]].]] [[File:Passion of Christ.jpg|thumb|right|Anyone who proposes to do [[good]] must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it.]] [[File:Gian Lorenzo Bernini - Dove of the Holy Spirit.JPG|thumb|right|Man can no longer live for himself [[alone]]. We realize that [[all]] [[life]] is valuable, and that we are [[united]] to all this life.]] [[File:Albert Schweitzer, Etching by Arthur William Heintzelman.jpg|thumb|right|Not one of us [[knows]] what effect his [[life]] produces, and what he gives to others; that is hidden from us and must remain so, though we are often allowed to see some little fraction of it, so that we may not lose [[courage]].]] [[File:ETH-Bibliothek Zürich, Bildarchiv - Com C-AA00-005-001-001 - Dr. Albert Schweitzer.jpg|thumb|The stronger the [[reverence]] for [[natural]] [[life]], the stronger grows also that for [[spiritual]] life.]] * '''We cannot understand what happens in the universe. What is glorious in it is united with what is full of horror. What is full of meaning is united to what is senseless. The spirit of the universe is at once creative and destructive — it creates while it destroys and destroys while it creates, and therefore it remains to us a riddle. And we must inevitably resign ourselves to this.''' ** p. 5 * When in the spring the withered gray of the pastures gives place to green, this is due to the millions of young shoots which sprout up freshly from the old roots. In like manner the revival of thought which is essential for our time can only come through a transformation of the opinions and ideals of the many brought about by individual and universal reflection about the [[meaning of life]] and of the world. ** p. 10 * It is the fate of 'little faiths' of truth that they, true followers of Peter, whether they be Roman or the Protestant observance, cry out and sink in the sea of ideas, where the followers of Paul, believing in the Spirit, walk secure and undismayed. ** p. 32 * '''Christianity has had to give up one piece after another of what it still imagined it possessed in the way of explanations of the universe. In this development it grows more and more into an expression of what constitutes its real nature.''' In a remarkable process of spiritualization it advances further and further from naive naiveté into the region of profound naiveté. The greater the number of explanations that slip from its hands, the more is the first of the Beatitudes, which may indeed be regarded as prophetic word concerning Christianity, fulfilled: "Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the [[w:Kingdom of God|Kingdom of Heaven]]." ** p. 102 * When Christianity becomes conscious of its innermost nature, it realizes that it is godliness rising our of inward constraint. '''The highest knowledge is to know that we are surrounded by mystery.''' Neither knowledge nor hope for the future can be the pivot of our life or determine its direction. It is intended to be solely determined by our allowing ourselves to be gripped by the ethical God, who reveals Himself in us, and by our yielding our will to His. ** p. 102 * '''Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it.''' A strength which becomes clearer and stronger through its experience of such obstacles is the only strength that can conquer them. Resistance is only a waste of strength. ** p. 164 * '''Not one of us knows what effect his life produces, and what he gives to others; that is hidden from us and must remain so, though we are often allowed to see some little fraction of it, so that we may not lose courage.''' ** p. 164 * '''The deeper we look into nature, the more we recognize that it is full of life, and the more profoundly we know that all life is a secret and that we are united with all life that is in nature. Man can no longer live for himself alone. We realize that all life is valuable, and that we are united to all this life.''' From this knowledge comes our spiritual relationship to the universe. ** p. 248 * Most men are scantily nourished on a modicum of happiness and a number of empty thoughts which life lays on their plates. They are kept in the road of life through stern necessity by elemental duties which they cannot avoid. <br>Again and again their will-to-live becomes, as it were, intoxicated: spring sunshine, opening flowers, moving clouds, waving fields of grain — all affect it. The manifold will-to-live, which is known to us in the splendid phenomena in which it clothes itself, grasps at their personal wills. They would fain join their shouts to the mighty symphony which is proceeding all around them. The world seem beauteous...but the intoxication passes. Dreadful discords only allow them to hear a confused noise, as before, where they had thought to catch the strains of glorious music. The beauty of nature is obscured by the suffering which they discover in every direction. And now they see again that they are driven about like shipwrecked persons on the waste of ocean, only that the boat is at one moment lifted high on the crest of the waves and a moment later sinks deep into the trough; and that now sunshine and now darkening clouds lie on the surface of the water. <br> And now they would fain persuade themselves that land lies on the horizon toward which they are driven. Their will-to-live befools their intellect so that it makes efforts to see the world as it would like to see it. It forces this intellect to show them a map which lends support to their hope of land. Once again they essay to reach the shore, until finally their arms sink exhausted for the last time and their eyes rove desperately from wave to wave. … <br>Thus it is with the will-to-live when it is unreflective. <br> But is there no way out of this dilemma? Must we either drift aimlessly through lack of reflection or sink in pessimism as the result of reflection? No. We must indeed attempt the limitless ocean, but we may set our sails and steer a determined course. ** p. 256 * The mistake made by all previous systems of ethics has been the failure to recognize that life as such is the mysterious value with which they have to deal. All spiritual life meets us within natural life. Reverence for life, therefore, is applied to natural life and spiritual life alike. In the parable of Jesus, the shepherd saves not merely the soul of the lost sheep but the whole animal. The stronger the reverence for natural life, the stronger grows also that for spiritual life. ** p. 264 * '''The ethic of reverence for life constrains all, in whatever walk of life they may find themselves, to busy themselves intimately with all the human and vital processes which are being played out around them, and to give themselves as men to the man who needs human help and sympathy. It does not allow the scholar to live for his science alone, even if he is very useful to the community in so doing. It does not permit the artist to exist only for his art, even if he gives inspiration to many by its means. It refuses to let the business man imagine that he fulfills all legitimate demands in the course of his business activities.''' It demands from all that they should sacrifice a portion of their own lives for others. In what way and in what measure this is his duty, this everyone must decide on the basis of the thoughts which arise in himself, and the circumstances which attend the course of his own life. The self-sacrifice of one may not be particularly in evidence. He carries it out simply by continuing his normal life. Another is called to some striking self-surrender which obliges him to set on one side all regard for his own progress. Let no one measure himself by his conclusions respecting someone else. '''The destiny of men has to fulfill itself in a thousand ways, so that goodness may be actualized. What every individual has to contribute remains his own secret. But we must all mutually share in the knowledge that our existence only attains its true value when we have experienced in ourselves the truth of the declaration: 'He who loses his life shall find it.' ''' ** p. 267 * '''To the man who is truly ethical all life is sacred, including that which from the human point of view seems lower in the scale. He makes distinctions only as each case comes before him, and under the pressure of necessity, as, for example, when it falls to him to decide which of two lives he must sacrifice in order to preserve the other.''' But all through this series of decisions he is conscious of acting on subjective grounds and arbitrarily, and knows that he bears the responsibility for the life which is sacrificed. ** p. 269 * '''There slowly grew up in me an unshakable conviction that we have no right to inflict suffering and death on another living creature unless there is some unavoidable necessity for it, and that we ought all of us to feel what a horrible thing it is to cause suffering and death out of mere thoughtlessness.''' And this conviction has influenced me only more and more strongly with time. I have grown more and more certain that at the bottom of our heart we all think this, and that we fail to acknowledge it because we are afraid of being laughed at by other people as sentimentalists, though partly also because we allow our best feelings to get blunted. But I vowed that I would never let my feelings get blunted, and that I would never be afraid of the reproach of sentimentalism. ** p. 275 * '''Faith which refuses to face indisputable facts is but little faith. Truth is always gain, however hard it is to accommodate ourselves to it. To linger in any kind of untruth proves to be a departure from the straight way of faith.''' ** p. 290 * We do not have a complete and satisfying knowledge of the world. We are reduced to the simple conclusion that everywhere in the world there is life like ourselves and that all life is shrouded in mystery. A true acquaintance with the world consists in being filled with a sense of the mystery of existence and life. This mystery becomes only more mysterious with every advance in scientific research. To be filled with the mystery of life is like that which is called in the language of [[mysticism]] the "wise ignorance," an ignorance which is nonetheless knowledge of the [[essential]]. ** p. 304 * '''The [[thinking]] [[Human|man]] must<!-- therefore --> … oppose all [[cruel]] [[customs]] no matter how deeply rooted in [[tradition]] and surrounded by a halo. [[True]] [[manhood]] is too precious a [[spiritual]] good for us to surrender any part of it to [[thoughtlessness]].''' ** p. 305; also in ''The Animal World of Albert Schweitzer'' (1950), p. 179 ** Variant : The thinking man must oppose all cruel customs no matter how deeply rooted in tradition and surrounded by a halo. When we have a choice, we must avoid bringing torment and injury into the life of another, even the lowliest creature; to do so is to renounce our manhood and shoulder a guilt which nothing justifies. ** As quoted in ''Becoming Vegan : The Complete Guide to Adopting a Healthy Plant-based Diet'' (2000) by Brenda Davis and Vesanto Melina, p. 261 * '''We cannot abdicate our conscience to an organization, nor to a government. 'Am I my brother's keeper?' Most certainly I am! I cannot escape my responsibility by saying the State will do all that is necessary. It is a tragedy that nowadays so many think and feel otherwise. ''' ** p. 309 === God's Own Man (1952) === [[File:Albert Schweitzer 1965.jpg|thumb|[[Example]] is not the main thing. It is the only thing. … Only as a man has [[simplicity]] can his example [[influence]] others.]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=qTAoAAAAMAAJ&q=%22example+is+not+the+main+thing%22&dq=%22example+is+not+the+main+thing%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjz7f_2v6vMAhUJxmMKHeEAB-QQ6AEIHDAA Interview with Eugene Exman, published in ''United Nations World'' magazine]</small> * Example is not the main thing. It is the only thing. That is, if the one giving the example is not saying to himself, 'Behold I am giving an example.' That spoils it. Anyone thinking of the example he will give to others has lost his simplicity. Only as a man has simplicity can his example influence others. ** Sometimes presented in paraphrased form, such as [https://books.google.com/books?id=5Za7o6teOHoC&pg=PR18&dq=%22example+is+not+the+main+thing%22+schweitzer&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjFh4m9vqvMAhUG02MKHRqZDtsQ6AEIMzAE#v=onepage&q=%22example%20is%20not%20the%20main%20thing%22%20&f=false "Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it is the ''only'' thing"]. === The Problem of Peace (1954) === [[File:LuMaxArt_Golden_Family_With_World_Religions.jpg|thumb|right|Many a [[truth]] has lain unnoticed for a long [[time]], ignored simply because no one perceived its potential for becoming [[reality]].]] :<small>[http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1952/schweitzer-lecture.html Nobel Lecture: The Problem of Peace] (4 November 1954)</small> * We have learned to tolerate the facts of [[war]]: that men are killed en masse — some twenty million in the Second World War — that whole cities and their inhabitants are annihilated by the atomic bomb, that men are turned into living torches by incendiary bombs. '''We learn of these things from the radio or newspapers and we judge them according to whether they signify success for the group of peoples to which we belong, or for our enemies. When we do admit to ourselves that such acts are the results of inhuman conduct, our admission is accompanied by the thought that the very fact of war itself leaves us no option but to accept them. In resigning ourselves to our fate without a struggle, we are guilty of inhumanity.''' * What really matters is that we should all of us realize that we are guilty of inhumanity. The horror of this realization should shake us out of our lethargy so that we can direct our hopes and our intentions to the coming of an era in which war will have no place. * The only originality I claim is that for me this truth goes hand in hand with the intellectual certainty that the human spirit is capable of creating in our time a new mentality, an ethical mentality. Inspired by this certainty, I too proclaim this truth in the hope that my testimony may help to prevent its rejection as an admirable sentiment but a practical impossibility. '''Many a [[truth]] has lain unnoticed for a long [[time]], ignored simply because no one perceived its potential for becoming [[reality]].''' * Only when an ideal of peace is born in the minds of the peoples will the institutions set up to maintain this peace effectively fulfill the function expected of them. * '''May the men who hold the destiny of peoples in their hands, studiously avoid anything that might cause the present situation to deteriorate and become even more [[dangerous]]. May they take to heart the words of the Apostle [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]]: "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." These words are valid not only for individuals, but for nations as well. May these nations, in their efforts to maintain peace, do their utmost to give the spirit time to grow and to act.''' === ''Reverence for Life'' (1969) === [[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|A man [[believes]] in [[eternal]] [[life]] because it is already his, it is a [[present]] [[experience]], and he already [[benefits]] from its [[peace]] and [[joy]]. He cannot describe this experience in [[words]]. He may not be able to [[conform]] his view with the traditional picture of it. But one thing he [[knows]] for certain: Something within us does not pass away, something goes on living and [[working]] wherever [[Kingdom of God|the kingdom]] of the [[spirit]] is present.]] [[File:Logo of ÖASG.png|thumb|The only way out of today's [[misery]] is for [[people]] to become [[worthy]] of each other's [[trust]].]] * At sunset of the third day, near the village of Igendja, we moved along an island set in the middle of the wide river. On a sandback to our left, four hippopotamuses and their young plodded along in our same direction. '''Just then, in my great tiredness and discouragement, the phrase "[[w:Reverence for Life|Reverence for Life]]" struck me like a flash. As far as I knew, it was a phrase I had never heard nor ever read.''' I realized at once that it carried within itself the solution to the problem that had been torturing me. Now I knew that a system of values which concerns itself only with our relationship to other people is incomplete and therefore lacking in power for good. '''Only by means of reverence for life can we establish a spiritual and humane relationship with both people and all living creatures within our reach. Only in this fashion can we avoid harming others, and, within the limits of our capacity, go to their aid whenever they need us.''' * I am life which wants to live admidst of lives that want to live. ** ''Ich bin Leben, das leben will, inmitten von Leben, das leben will.'' ** Source: ''[http://books.google.pl/books?id=q7MCqUIN7hkC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false Die Ehrfurcht vor dem Leben]'', C.H.Beck, 2008, p. 111 * Those who thank God much are the truly wealthy. So our inner happiness depends not on what we experience but on the degree of our gratitude to God, whatever the experience. * Whoever has looked into the eyes of Jesus as he appears to us in his words knows that true happiness consists of service to this great One and his Spirit — and a life offered to his work. Those who accept this mode of life, who know how to live it, become brothers and sisters. * The man who dares to live his [[life]] with [[death]] before his [[eyes]], the man who receives life back bit by bit and lives as though it did not belong to him by right but has been bestowed on him as a [[gift]], the man who has such [[freedom]] and [[peace]] of mind that he has overcome death in his thoughts — '''such man [[believes]] in [[eternal]] [[life]] because it is already his, it is a [[present]] [[experience]], and he already [[benefits]] from its peace and [[joy]]. He cannot describe this experience in [[words]]. He may not be able to [[conform]] his view with the traditional picture of it. But one thing he [[knows]] for certain: Something within us does not pass away, something goes on living and [[working]] wherever [[Kingdom of God|the kingdom]] of the [[spirit]] is present.''' It is already working and living within us, because in our [[hearts]] we have been able to reach life by overcoming death. * I do not want to frighten you by telling you about the temptations life will bring. Anyone who is [[healthy]] in spirit will overcome them. But there is something I want you to realize. '''It does not matter so much what you do. What matters is whether your soul is harmed by what you do.''' If your soul is harmed, something irreparable happens, the extent of which you won't realize until it will be too late. * '''Don't let your hearts grow numb. Stay alert.''' It is your soul which matters. * '''Not less strong than the will to truth must be the will to sincerity.''' Only an age, which can show the courage of sincerity, can possess truth, which works as a spiritual force within it. * Only at quite rare moments have I felt really glad to be alive. I could not but feel with a sympathy full of regret all the pain that I saw around me, not only that of men but that of the whole creation. From this community of suffering I have never tried to withdraw myself. It seemed to me a matter of course that we should all take our share of the burden of pain which lies upon the world. * '''Profound love demands a deep conception and out of this develops reverence for the mystery of life. It brings us close to all beings, to the poorest and smallest as well as all others.''' *''' The only way out of today's [[misery]] is for [[people]] to become [[worthy]] of each other's [[trust]].''' {{disputed begin}} ==Disputed== * Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation. ** This quote was attributed to Albert Schweitzer by Rachel Carson on p. 17 of her seminal work ''Silent Spring'' (1962), and is widely cited on various Internet websites, but an actual source from Schweitzer’s works is elusive. * I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know, the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve. ** Widely attributed to Schwietzer online, no known original source. {{disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * I have given my life to try to alleviate the sufferings of Africa. There is something that all white men who have lived here like I must learn and know: that these individuals are a sub-race. They have neither the intellectual, mental, or emotional abilities to equate or to share equally with white men in any function of our civilization. I have given my life to try to bring them the advantages which our civilization must offer, but I have become well aware that we must retain this status: the superior and they the inferior. For whenever a white man seeks to live among them as their equals they will either destroy him or devour him. And they will destroy all of his work. Let white men from anywhere in the world, who would come to Africa, remember that you must continually retain this status; you the master and they the inferior like children that you would help or teach. Never fraternize with them as equals. Never accept them as your social equals or they will devour you. They will destroy you. ** This has usually been presented as something "said shortly before his death" without any definite source, but appears to be entirely spurious. Lachlan Forrow, president of The Albert Schweitzer Fellowship, [https://web.archive.org/web/20090227095752/https://www.schweitzer.org/english/diverse/asefaq.htm wrote] "'''This quote is utterly false and is an outrageously inaccurate picture of Dr. Schweitzer’s view of Africans. Dr. Schweitzer never said or wrote anything remotely like this. It does NOT appear in the book African Notebook.'''" This refers to some citations of it being from ''Afrikanische Geschichten'' (1938), which was translated as ''From My African Notebook'' (1939) by Mrs. C. E. B Russell. ** First misattributed in the neo-nazi publication [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/The_Liberty_Bell/bmUfAQAAMAAJ ''The Liberty Bell'', Vol. 6, (1978) published by George P. Dietz] {{Misattributed end}} ==Quotes about Schweitzer== [[File:Albert Einstein Head.jpg|thumb|He [[simply]] acted out of inner [[necessity]]. ~ [[Albert Einstein]] ]] * To me, Dr. Schweitzer is the one truly great individuals our modern times have produced. ** [[Rachel Carson]], 1963 Speech in ''Rachel Carson: Silent Spring & Other Writings on the Environment'' * '''Few authors in modern times can be said to have redirected the course of an entire field of study. In 1906, Albert Schweitzer did, with his brilliant monograph, ''[[w:The Quest of the Historical Jesus|The Quest of the Historical Jesus]]'''''... Schweitzer was convinced that [[Jesus]] was an [[w:apocalypticist|apocalypticist]].<br />Schweitzer is best known, of course, for his humanitarian endeavors. After giving up an extraordinarily promising academic career as a philosopher-theologian in Strasbourg to establish a medical mission in French Equatorial Africa, he spent his life curing the sick in his jungle clinic, far removed from the ivy towers of the European intellectual scene. ...<br />The bulk of his book recounts the attempts since the Enlightenment to produce a life of Jesus. '''With scathing wit, penetrating analysis, and inimitable turns of phrase, Schweitzer shows that every generation of scholars that attempted to write a life of Jesus in fact portrayed Jesus in its own image.''' ... Schweitzer demonstrates this thesis through an exhaustive analysis of the entire history of scholarship on Jesus—from its beginnings in 1776 with a posthumously published account of a German scholar named [[Hermann Samuel Reimarus|H. Reimarus]], who argued that Jesus was a political revolutionary whose violent activities were covered up by the Gospel writers, to the rationalist views of [[w:Heinrich Paulus|Heinrich Paulus]] and the myth-oriented response of [[w:David Strauss|D. F. Strauss]]... on down to his own day. ... he scorns every attempt to make Jesus into a modern man, who promoted, in substance, the religious, political, cultural, or social agenda of modern European intellectuals. For Schweitzer, Jesus was a man of the past. To understand what he was really like, we must situate him in his own context, not pretend that he fits perfectly well into our own. ... Schweitzer did not think that the historical Jesus shared the problems or perspectives of the twentieth century. Instead, Jesus was a first-century apocalypticist, who never expected that there would be a twentieth century. He thought that the end of the world was coming within his own lifetime. In fact, he expected it to come before the year was out. When it didn't come, Schweitzer argued, Jesus decided that he himself needed to suffer in order for God to bring the heavenly Kingdom here to earth. And so he went to his cross fully expecting God to intervene in history in a climactic act of judgment. When at his last meal he told his disciples that he would not drink wine again until he drank it anew with them in the Kingdom, he was not thinking that this would be two thousand years hence, but in the next day or two. It turns out that Jesus was wrong. He died on the cross mistaken about his own identity and the plan of God. ** [[Bart D. Ehrman]], ''[[w:Jesus: Apocalyptic Prophet of the New Millennium|Jesus: Apocalyptic Prophet of the New Millennium]]'' (1999), pp. 125–127 * '''There, in this sorry [[world]] of ours, is a [[great]] man!''' ** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''The Arthur Andersen Chronicle'', Vol. IX (1947), p. 144 * He did not preach and did not warn and did not dream that his example would be an [[ideal]] and a [[comfort]] to innumerable [[people]]. '''He [[simply]] acted out of inner [[necessity]].''' ** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in ''Albert Schweitzer: A Biography'' (1989) by George Marshall and David Poling, p. 241 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} * [http://home.pcisys.net/~jnf/ The Albert Schweitzer Page] - A good tribute site with Reviews and excerpts of Schweitzer's Works ** [http://home.pcisys.net/~jnf/mdnstory.html Struggle to Find Life's Meaning] * [http://www.nobel.se/peace/laureates/1952/schweitzer-bio.html Page at the Nobel e-Museum] ** [http://www.nobel.se/peace/laureates/1952/schweitzer-lecture-e.html Nobel Lecture: The Problem of Peace] (November 4, 1954) * [http://medlem.spray.se/atarme/albert.html Brief biography] * [http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/schweitzer/ Online Edition of ''Quest for the Historical Jesus''] * [http://www1.chapman.edu/schweitzer/reverence_readings.html Readings on Reverence for Life] * [http://www.awionline.org/schweitzer/as-idx.htm ''Animals, Nature and Albert Schweitzer'' by Ann Cottrell Free] * [http://www.religion-online.org/showarticle.asp?title=1864 Reconsidering Albert Schweitzer" by David L. Dungan] * [http://negations.icaap.org/issues/98w/hinman_01.html "Albert Schweitzer On the Death of Civilization" by J. L. Hinman] * [http://www.albertschweitzer.info/ Albert Schweitzer] - information on Albert Schweitzer's life and thought ** [http://www.albertschweitzer.org.uk/ Friends of Albert Schweitzer (UK)] - a charity promoting Reverence for Life * [http://www.schweitzerfellowship.org/ Albert Schweitzer Fellowship] {{DEFAULTSORT:Schweitzer, Albert}} [[Category:Anti-nuclear weapons activists]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:Philanthropists]] [[Category:Philosophers from Germany]] [[Category:Physicians from Germany]] [[Category:Nobel Peace Prize laureates]] [[Category:1875 births]] [[Category:1965 deaths]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:Theologians from Germany]] [[Category:Lutherans]] [[Category:Musicologists]] [[Category:Historians from Germany]] [[Category:Translators from Germany]] [[Category:Liberals]] [[Category:Nobel laureates from Germany]] 73pt7d8rqd9soyhkn5zzkirw4lzn75q 0 1524 3955080 3806518 2026-06-21T15:47:04Z ~2026-35938-51 3344279 /* */ 3955080 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Great Wave off Kanagawa - reversed.png|thumb|A frog in a well does not know the great ocean.]] [[w:Japanese proverbs|'''Japanese proverbs''']] (諺 '''''[[wikt:ことわざ|kotowaza]]''''') take the form of short sayings, idiomatic phrases and four-character idioms. [[Tinker Bell]] == Sayings == * 猿も木から落ちる ** ''Saru mo ki kara ochiru.'' ** Even monkeys fall from trees. ** English equivalent: It is a good horse that never stumbles. ** {{cite book|last=Garrison|first=Jeff|title=日本語イディオム辞典|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=mQ5gyagWePMC&pg=PA491|publisher=Kodansha International|isbn=978-4-7700-2797-9|page=491}} * 井の中の蛙大海を知らず ** ''I no naka no kawazu taikai-o shirazu.'' ** A frog in a well does not know the great ocean. ** Chinese equivalent: 井底之蛙。 ** "Do not associate with a fool because he will beautify his actions before you and long that you too be like him." ** [[Ali]], [[Nahj al-Balagha]], [https://www.al-islam.org/nahjul-balagha-part-2-letters-and-sayings/selections-sayings-and-preaching-amir-al-muminin-ali#hadith-n-293 Hadith n. 293], at the {{w|Ahlul Bayt Digital Islamic Library Project}}. (7th-8th century) ** {{cite book|author=日本博学倶楽部|title=「ことわざ」なるほど雑学事典: よくあるカン違いから本来の意味まで、話がはずむ面白ネタ|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=_GrmGRYX5rUC&pg=PA63|year=2002|isbn=978-4-569-57753-1|page=63}} * 二兎を追う者は一兎も得ず ** ''Nito-o ou mono wa itto mo ezu.'' ** Who chases two rabbits catches neither. ** Italian equivalent: ''Chi troppo vuole, nulla stringe.'' ** English equivalents: You must not run after two hares at the same time. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buridan%27s_ass donkey can starve] choosing between two bales of hay. ** {{cite book|author=日英言語文化研究会|title=日英語の比較: 発想・背景・文化|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=X-Ug7Il3iewC&pg=PA137|year=2006|isbn=978-4-384-05436-1|page=137}} * 良薬口に苦し **''Ryooyaku Kuchi ni Nigashi.'' ** Translation: Good medicine is bitter to the mouth. ** English equivalent: The truth hurts. ** Chinese equivalent: 良藥苦口。 ** {{cite book | last1 = Maynard | year = 1993 | title = Listen and Learn: 101 Japanese Idioms | url=http://books.google.se/books?ei=vp9WU_-LAoGVyAP-_YHwCQ&id=HXI-Xvv5dMYC&dq=Listen+%26+Learn%3A+101+Japanese+Idioms&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=Good+medicine+tastes+bitter+in+the+mouth | publisher = McGraw-Hill | page = 123 | isbn=1}} *角を矯めて牛を殺す ** ''Tsuno-o tamete ushi-o korosu.'' ** Translation: To kill a bull by straightening its horns. ** {{cite book|author1=池田彌三郎|author2=Donald Keene|author3=常名鉾二郎|title=日英故事ことわざ辞典|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=3KsvAQAAIAAJ|year=1982|publisher=北星堂書店|page=56}} *継続は力なり ** ''Keizoku wa chikara nari.'' ** Translation: To continue is power. ** {{cite book | last1 = | year = 2008 | title = ポケット図解ドラッカー経営のツボがよーくわかる本: | publisher = 秀和システム | page = 37 | isbn=4798020680}} * 鳥なき里の蝙蝠 ** ''Tori naki sato no koumori.'' ** Translation: A bat in a village without birds. ** {{cite book|author=石本登也|title=虜囚|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=5oXIfOUz--4C&pg=PA176|date=February 2003|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-8355-5134-0|page=176}} * 苦あれば楽あり **''Ku areba raku ari.'' ** Translation: There are hardships and there are delights. ** English equivalent: After rain comes fair weather; No pain, no gain; March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers. ** Chinese equivalent: [[wikt:苦盡甘来|苦盡甘来]]。 ** {{cite book|author=上田彬|title=小我を取れば、うまくいく|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=9X04Uv49UBYC&pg=PA120|date=April 2005|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-8355-8853-7|page=120}} * 毒食わば皿まで ** ''Doku kuwaba sara made.'' ** Translation: When poisoned, one might as well swallow the plate. ** English equivalent: "In for a penny, in for a pound." ** Yiddish equivalent: "If you're going to eat pork, eat it till your mouth drips." ** {{cite book|author=喜多見淳|title=淳樹物語: 続・天草に蜩は鳴かない|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=Hycsv4RUEsMC&pg=PA232|date=25 January 1999|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-88737-200-9|page=232}} * 早起きは三文の徳 ** ''Haya oki wa sanmon no toku.'' ** Translation: Early rising benefits you three pence. ** English equivalent: The early bird gets the worm. ** {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA70|accessdate=5 September 2013|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=70}} ** {{cite book|author=山口晃範|title=無人島の娘たち|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=Xs2f6V5_m9cC&pg=PA128|date=November 2006|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-286-02018-1|page=128}} <!-- It is no proverb in Japanese. In the cited book, it is merely given a Japanese expression equivalent to a English proverb, but itself is no proverb a all. * 本末転倒 ** ''Honmatsu tentou.'' ** English equivalent: Putting the cart before the [[horse]]. ** Chinese equivalent: 本末倒置。 ** "Every extreme attitude is a flight from the self." ** Eric Hoffer, ''The Passionate State Of Mind, and Other Aphorisms'' (1955) ** {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA63|accessdate=18 August 2013|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=63}} ** {{cite book|author=西元篤|title=和漢洋對照ことわざ辭典|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=rsgZAQAAMAAJ|year=1962|publisher=創元社|page=131}} --> <!-- It is no proverb in Japanese, even if you think it as a counterpart of English proverb. 早い者勝ち is a common plain expression, describing a rule to determine who is served. No proverb at all. It is even no idiomatic expression imo. * 早い者勝ち ** ''Hayai mono gachi.'' ** Translation: The early one wins. ** English equivalent: First come, first served; the early bird gets the worm (see above). ** Source for meaning of English equivalent: {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA88|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=88}} ** {{cite book|author=ジェフリー・E・F・フリードル|title=詳説正規表現|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=RJFJ2I-thlsC&pg=PA170|date=April 2008|publisher=O'Reilly Japan|isbn=978-4-87311-359-3|page=170}} --> * 愚公山を移す ** ''Gukou yama-o utsusu.'' ** Translation: Yugong moves a mountain. ** English equivalent: Faith can move [[mountains]]; where there's a will, there's a way. ** Chinese equivalent: [[wikt:愚公移山|愚公移山]]。 ** "愚公移山" is a Chinese fable from the book ''{{w|Liezi}}'' (《列子》). ** "Nothing is impossible to those who have sufficient faith; applied not only to religious faith, but to any strong belief in a cause or objective." ** {{cite book|author1=Martin H. Manser|author2=David Pickering|title=The Facts On File Dictionary of Classical and Biblical Allusions|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=LIcL56NQ3gsC&pg=PA124|accessdate=25 September 2013|year=2003|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-4868-7|page=124}} ** {{cite book|title=Studies in Chinese language, literature and philosophy|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=UThDAQAAIAAJ|year=1971|page=72}} * 井戸の中の独言も三年たてば知れる ** ''Ido no naka no hitori-goto mo san'nen tateba shireru.'' ** Translation: Even the mutterings of a man in a well are widely known after three years. ** {{cite book|author=山口翼|title=日本語大シソーラス: 類語検索大辞典|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=IJwPAAAAYAAJ|year=2003|publisher=大修館書店|page=87}} * 亀の甲より年の功 ** ''Kame no kou yori toshi no kou.'' ** Translation: Wisdom gotten from age is better than the shell of a tortoise. ** English equivalent 1: Years know more than '''[[books]].''' ** English equivalent 2: "Experience is the mother of wisdom." ** "Prudence is the footprint of Wisdom." ** Amos Bronson Alcott, ''Orphic Sayings'' (1840) ** {{cite book|author=高田哲郎|title=あちゃ・むし・だんべぇ物語パート5|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=9KqvrV7zGr8C&pg=PA248|date=June 2010|publisher=幹書房|isbn=978-4-902615-68-5|page=248}} ** {{cite book|author=創元社編集部|title=ことわざ・名言事典|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=XTPaWGswpLUC&pg=PA20|date=September 2000|publisher=創元社|isbn=978-4-422-02106-5|page=20}} * 一盲衆を引く ** ''Ichi mou shuu-o hiku.'' ** Translation: One blind man leads the crowd. ** English equivalent: If the BLIND lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch. ** "''Un sot trouve toujours un plus sot qui l'admire.'' ** Translation: A fool always finds one still more foolish to admire him. ** Variant A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him." ** [[Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux]], ''L'Art Poétique (The Art of Poetry)'', Canto I, l. 232 (1674). ** {{cite book|last=Paczolay|first=Gyula |title=European proverbs: in 55 languages, with equivalents in Arabic, Persian, Sanskrit, Chinese and Japanese|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=JiXzAAAAMAAJ|year=1997|publisher=Veszprémi Nyomda|isbn=1-875943-44-7|page=203|chapter=35}} ** {{cite book|title=Kokugakuin zasshi|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=u3U9AQAAIAAJ|year=1978|publisher=國學院大學|page=4}} * 一寸先は闇 ** ''Issun saki wa yami.'' ** Translation: It is dark one inch ahead of you. ** English equivalent 1: Who can see in the future? ** English equivalent 2: Expect the unexpected. ** {{cite book|author=関洸念|title=諺にみる運・根・鈍: 日本人の魂の故郷を温ねて|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=7V37fijqLq4C&pg=PA35|date=15 December 1999|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-88737-686-1|page=35}} * 出る釘は打たれる ** ''Deru kugi wa utareru.'' ** Translation: The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. ** Chinese equivalent: 棒打出頭鳥。 ** Note: While ''kui'' (杭, stake) is sometimes used in place of ''kugi'' (釘, nail) some purists point to the incongruity of using "kui" since, in traditional Japanese post and beam house construction, it is physically impossible to hammer a stake flush with the wood, and a stake in the ground would have no structural function. ** "'''It has often been said that [[power]] corrupts. But it is perhaps equally important to realize that [[weakness]], too, corrupts. Power corrupts the few, while weakness corrupts the many. Hatred, malice, rudeness, intolerance, and suspicion are the faults of weakness.''' The resentment of the weak does not spring from any injustice done to them but from the sense of inadequacy and impotence. '''They hate not wickedness but weakness. When it is their power to do so, the weak destroy weakness wherever they see it.'''" ** Eric Hoffer, ''The Passionate State Of Mind, and Other Aphorisms'' (1955) ** Roku Okada, ''Japanese Proverbs and Proverbial Phrases'', Japan Travel Bureau, Tokyo 1955, page 28 * 艱難にあって初めて真友を知る ** ''Kannan ni atte hajimete shinyū-o shiru.'' ** Translation: Friends are known first in hardships. ** English equivalent: A friend in need is a friend indeed. ** Chinese equivalent: 患難見真情。 ** {{cite book | last1 = Paczolay | first = Gyula | year = 1997 | title = European Proverbs in 55 languages | publisher = DeProverbio.com | page = 159 | pages = 527 | isbn = 1-875943-44-7}} * 虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず ** ''Koketsu ni irazunba koji-o ezu.'' ** Translation: If you do not enter the tiger's cave, you will not catch its cub. ** English equivalent: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. ** Chinese equivalent: 不入虎穴，焉得虎子。 ** "If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be." ** Joseph Campbell, ''The Power of Myth'' (1988) ** Meaning: "Nothing can be achieved without effort, suffering or hardship." ** Source for meaning of English equivalent: {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA205|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=205}} ** {{cite book | last1 = 茂田滄海 | year = 2002 | title = サラリーマンの父から息子への、67通の手紙: 中国の名言をちりばめて | publisher = 文芸社 | page = 81 | isbn=4835539524}} * 木の実は元へ落つる ** ''Kinomi wa moto e otsuru.'' ** Translation: A berry falls to (its tree's) roots. ** English equivalent: The apple does not fall far from the tree. ** "Children observe daily and — in their behaviour — often follow the example of their parents." ** {{cite book | last1 = Paczolay | first = Gyula | year = 1997 | title = European Proverbs in 55 languages | publisher = DeProverbio.com | page = 259 | pages = 527 | isbn = 1-875943-44-7}} * 七転び八起き ** ''Nana korobi ya oki.'' ** Translation: Fall down seven times, get up eight. ** English equivalent: If at first you don't succeed try, try again. ** {{cite book | last1 = McDermott | first = Patrick | year = 2007 | title = Mind Body Spirit: The Triangle of Life | publisher = iUniverse | page = 84 | pages = 300 | isbn = 0595420761}} * 能ある鷹は爪を隠す ** ''Nou aru taka wa tsume-o kakusu.'' ** Translation: The smart hawk hides its talons. ** Meaning: One should hide his best abilities until the time comes to show them. ** Closest English equivalent: "Still water runs deep." ** {{cite book | last1 = 関洸念 | year = 1999 | title = 諺にみる運・根・鈍: 日本人の魂の故郷を温ねて | publisher = 文芸社 | page = 399 | isbn=4887376863}} * 小打も積もれば大木を倒す ** ''Shouda mo tsumoreba taiboku-o taosu.'' ** Translation: With many little strokes a large tree is felled. ** English equivalent: Little strokes fell great oaks. ** Meaning: "A difficult task, e. g. removing a person/group from a strong position, or changing established ideas cannot be done quickly. It can be achieved gradually, by small steps, a little at a time." ** {{cite book | last1 = Paczolay | first = Gyula | year = 1997 | title = European Proverbs in 55 languages | publisher = DeProverbio.com | page = 252 | pages = 527 | isbn = 1-875943-44-7}} * 立つ鳥跡を濁さず ** ''Tatsu tori ato-o nigosazu.'' ** Translation: A leaving bird does not leave a mess. ** English equivalent: It is an ill bird that fouls its own nest; Don't wash your dirty linen in public. ** Meaning: "Why wantonly proclaim one's own disgrace, or expose the faults or weaknesses of one's kindred or people?" ** Meaning 2: "It is considered contemptible to defy the rule of solidarity by revealing facts harmful to the group one belongs to." ** {{cite book|title=Proverbs of All Nations|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=PdxtAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA109|year=1859|publisher=W. Kent & Company (late D. Bogue)|page=109}} ** {{cite book|last=Paczolay|first=Gyula |title=European proverbs: in 55 languages, with equivalents in Arabic, Persian, Sanskrit, Chinese and Japanese|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=JiXzAAAAMAAJ|year=1997|publisher=Veszprémi Nyomda|isbn=1-875943-44-7|page=466|chapter=106}} * この父にしてこの子あり ** ''Kono chichi ni shite kono ko ari.'' ** Translation: With such father there is such a child. ** English equivalent: Like father, like son. ** Chinese equivalent: 有其父，必有其子。 ** Meaning: "Sons may look and behave like their fathers. This is due to inheritance and the example observed closely and daily." ** {{cite book | last1 = Paczolay | first = Gyula | year = 1997 | title = European Proverbs in 55 languages | publisher = DeProverbio.com | page = 170 | pages = 527 | isbn = 1-875943-44-7}} * 酒は本心を表す ** ''Sake-wa honshin-o arawasu.'' ** Translation: Sake [in other words alcohol], reveals the true heart. ** English equivalent: In wine there is truth; ''In vino veritas.'' ** Chinese equivalent: 酒後吐真言。 ** Meaning: "Alcohol consumed removes the inhibition against telling the truth that occasionally one would like to keep secret." ** {{cite book | last1 = Paczolay | first = Gyula | year = 1997 | title = European Proverbs in 55 languages | publisher = DeProverbio.com | page = 272 | pages = 527 | isbn = 1-875943-44-7}} * 目は口ほどに物を言う ** ''Me-wa kuchi hodo mono-o iu.'' ** English equivalent: The eyes are sometimes a true index of the heart. ** {{cite book|author=旺文社|title=中学入試でる順　ポケでる　国語　慣用句・ことわざ（三訂版）|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=_XV5DAAAQBAJ&pg=PA176|date=13 September 2014|publisher=株式会社 旺文社|isbn=978-4-01-011051-5|page=176}} * 義は険しい山よりも重く、死は大鳥の羽よりも軽い ** Duty is weightier than a mountain, while death is lighter than a feather. ** ''{{w|Imperial Rescript to Soldiers and Sailors}}'' (1882), as quoted in {{cite book|title=Sources of the Japanese tradition, Volume II|year=1964|publisher=Columbia University Press|page=199}} == Idiomatic phrases == * 水に流す ** ''Mizu ni nagasu.'' ** Translation: let the water flow. ** English equivalent: Forgive and forget; [[w:water under the bridge]]. ** "I never take vengeance unless I am forced to do so by an oath or in self-protection. I believe that evil is its own punishment." ** Claudius (later Caesar/Emperor of the Roman Empire), in Robert Graves' historical novel ''I, Claudius'' (1934). ** {{cite book | last1 = | year = 2011 | title = 真面目なのに生きるのが辛い人 | publisher = PHP研究所 | page = 25 | isbn=456979551X}} * 石の上にも三年 ** ''Ishi no ue nimo san nen.'' ** Translation: [To stay] three years on a rock. ** Meaning: "This proverb teaches the principle of perseverance by encouraging one to see an enterprise through to its conclusion." ** {{cite book|author1=Jonathan H. X. Lee|author2=Kathleen M. Nadeau|title=Encyclopedia of Asian American Folklore and Folklife|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=9BrfLWdeISoC&pg=PA636|year=2011|publisher=ABC-CLIO|isbn=978-0-313-35066-5|page=636}} ** {{cite book | last1 = | year = 2009 | title = 黄金の天馬: 合気道を創始した男 | publisher = PHP研究所 | page = 134 | isbn=4569673775}} * 乗りかかった船 ** ''Nori-kakatta fune.'' ** Translation: A ship that you are already partially in. ** English equivalent: In for a penny, in for a pound. ** {{cite book|author=中地正行|title=遥かなる大地|url=https://books.google.co.jp/books/about/%E9%81%A5%E3%81%8B%E3%81%AA%E3%82%8B%E5%A4%A7%E5%9C%B0.html?id=2HDLwAEACAAJ&redir_esc=y|date=November 2001|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-8355-2160-2|page=145}} * 竜頭蛇尾 **''Ryuto-dabi'' **Translation: A dragon's head, a serpent's tail. ** English equivalentː A good Start often means a bad finish. ** {{cite book |year = 1995 |title = ポケット版ことわざ辞典 |url = https://books.google.se/books?id=MKwvAQAAIAAJ&q=%E7%AB%9C%E9%A0%AD%E8%9B%87%E5%B0%BE+%E3%81%93%E3%81%A8%E3%82%8F%E3%81%96&dq=%E7%AB%9C%E9%A0%AD%E8%9B%87%E5%B0%BE+%E3%81%93%E3%81%A8%E3%82%8F%E3%81%96&hl=sv&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjl_-6-v7zyAhVoSPEDHQUKDHQQ6AEwAnoECGEQAg |page = 437 |isbn = 4415081304 }} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.kotowaza.org Japanese / English / Dutch v.v. Proverb dictionary] [[Category:Proverbs by language]] [[Category:Japan|proverbs]] e6863cnaa6mnklp5dglzj00zcl4khza 3955112 3955080 2026-06-21T17:52:11Z IOHANNVSVERVS 2147914 Undid revision [[Special:Diff/3955080|3955080]] by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-35938-51|~2026-35938-51]] ([[User talk:~2026-35938-51|talk]]) 3955112 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Great Wave off Kanagawa - reversed.png|thumb|A frog in a well does not know the great ocean.]] [[w:Japanese proverbs|'''Japanese proverbs''']] (諺 '''''[[wikt:ことわざ|kotowaza]]''''') take the form of short sayings, idiomatic phrases and four-character idioms. == Sayings == * 猿も木から落ちる ** ''Saru mo ki kara ochiru.'' ** Even monkeys fall from trees. ** English equivalent: It is a good horse that never stumbles. ** {{cite book|last=Garrison|first=Jeff|title=日本語イディオム辞典|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=mQ5gyagWePMC&pg=PA491|publisher=Kodansha International|isbn=978-4-7700-2797-9|page=491}} * 井の中の蛙大海を知らず ** ''I no naka no kawazu taikai-o shirazu.'' ** A frog in a well does not know the great ocean. ** Chinese equivalent: 井底之蛙。 ** "Do not associate with a fool because he will beautify his actions before you and long that you too be like him." ** [[Ali]], [[Nahj al-Balagha]], [https://www.al-islam.org/nahjul-balagha-part-2-letters-and-sayings/selections-sayings-and-preaching-amir-al-muminin-ali#hadith-n-293 Hadith n. 293], at the {{w|Ahlul Bayt Digital Islamic Library Project}}. (7th-8th century) ** {{cite book|author=日本博学倶楽部|title=「ことわざ」なるほど雑学事典: よくあるカン違いから本来の意味まで、話がはずむ面白ネタ|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=_GrmGRYX5rUC&pg=PA63|year=2002|isbn=978-4-569-57753-1|page=63}} * 二兎を追う者は一兎も得ず ** ''Nito-o ou mono wa itto mo ezu.'' ** Who chases two rabbits catches neither. ** Italian equivalent: ''Chi troppo vuole, nulla stringe.'' ** English equivalents: You must not run after two hares at the same time. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buridan%27s_ass donkey can starve] choosing between two bales of hay. ** {{cite book|author=日英言語文化研究会|title=日英語の比較: 発想・背景・文化|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=X-Ug7Il3iewC&pg=PA137|year=2006|isbn=978-4-384-05436-1|page=137}} * 良薬口に苦し **''Ryooyaku Kuchi ni Nigashi.'' ** Translation: Good medicine is bitter to the mouth. ** English equivalent: The truth hurts. ** Chinese equivalent: 良藥苦口。 ** {{cite book | last1 = Maynard | year = 1993 | title = Listen and Learn: 101 Japanese Idioms | url=http://books.google.se/books?ei=vp9WU_-LAoGVyAP-_YHwCQ&id=HXI-Xvv5dMYC&dq=Listen+%26+Learn%3A+101+Japanese+Idioms&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=Good+medicine+tastes+bitter+in+the+mouth | publisher = McGraw-Hill | page = 123 | isbn=1}} *角を矯めて牛を殺す ** ''Tsuno-o tamete ushi-o korosu.'' ** Translation: To kill a bull by straightening its horns. ** {{cite book|author1=池田彌三郎|author2=Donald Keene|author3=常名鉾二郎|title=日英故事ことわざ辞典|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=3KsvAQAAIAAJ|year=1982|publisher=北星堂書店|page=56}} *継続は力なり ** ''Keizoku wa chikara nari.'' ** Translation: To continue is power. ** {{cite book | last1 = | year = 2008 | title = ポケット図解ドラッカー経営のツボがよーくわかる本: | publisher = 秀和システム | page = 37 | isbn=4798020680}} * 鳥なき里の蝙蝠 ** ''Tori naki sato no koumori.'' ** Translation: A bat in a village without birds. ** {{cite book|author=石本登也|title=虜囚|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=5oXIfOUz--4C&pg=PA176|date=February 2003|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-8355-5134-0|page=176}} * 苦あれば楽あり **''Ku areba raku ari.'' ** Translation: There are hardships and there are delights. ** English equivalent: After rain comes fair weather; No pain, no gain; March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers. ** Chinese equivalent: [[wikt:苦盡甘来|苦盡甘来]]。 ** {{cite book|author=上田彬|title=小我を取れば、うまくいく|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=9X04Uv49UBYC&pg=PA120|date=April 2005|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-8355-8853-7|page=120}} * 毒食わば皿まで ** ''Doku kuwaba sara made.'' ** Translation: When poisoned, one might as well swallow the plate. ** English equivalent: "In for a penny, in for a pound." ** Yiddish equivalent: "If you're going to eat pork, eat it till your mouth drips." ** {{cite book|author=喜多見淳|title=淳樹物語: 続・天草に蜩は鳴かない|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=Hycsv4RUEsMC&pg=PA232|date=25 January 1999|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-88737-200-9|page=232}} * 早起きは三文の徳 ** ''Haya oki wa sanmon no toku.'' ** Translation: Early rising benefits you three pence. ** English equivalent: The early bird gets the worm. ** {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA70|accessdate=5 September 2013|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=70}} ** {{cite book|author=山口晃範|title=無人島の娘たち|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=Xs2f6V5_m9cC&pg=PA128|date=November 2006|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-286-02018-1|page=128}} <!-- It is no proverb in Japanese. In the cited book, it is merely given a Japanese expression equivalent to a English proverb, but itself is no proverb a all. * 本末転倒 ** ''Honmatsu tentou.'' ** English equivalent: Putting the cart before the [[horse]]. ** Chinese equivalent: 本末倒置。 ** "Every extreme attitude is a flight from the self." ** Eric Hoffer, ''The Passionate State Of Mind, and Other Aphorisms'' (1955) ** {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA63|accessdate=18 August 2013|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=63}} ** {{cite book|author=西元篤|title=和漢洋對照ことわざ辭典|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=rsgZAQAAMAAJ|year=1962|publisher=創元社|page=131}} --> <!-- It is no proverb in Japanese, even if you think it as a counterpart of English proverb. 早い者勝ち is a common plain expression, describing a rule to determine who is served. No proverb at all. It is even no idiomatic expression imo. * 早い者勝ち ** ''Hayai mono gachi.'' ** Translation: The early one wins. ** English equivalent: First come, first served; the early bird gets the worm (see above). ** Source for meaning of English equivalent: {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA88|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=88}} ** {{cite book|author=ジェフリー・E・F・フリードル|title=詳説正規表現|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=RJFJ2I-thlsC&pg=PA170|date=April 2008|publisher=O'Reilly Japan|isbn=978-4-87311-359-3|page=170}} --> * 愚公山を移す ** ''Gukou yama-o utsusu.'' ** Translation: Yugong moves a mountain. ** English equivalent: Faith can move [[mountains]]; where there's a will, there's a way. ** Chinese equivalent: [[wikt:愚公移山|愚公移山]]。 ** "愚公移山" is a Chinese fable from the book ''{{w|Liezi}}'' (《列子》). ** "Nothing is impossible to those who have sufficient faith; applied not only to religious faith, but to any strong belief in a cause or objective." ** {{cite book|author1=Martin H. Manser|author2=David Pickering|title=The Facts On File Dictionary of Classical and Biblical Allusions|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=LIcL56NQ3gsC&pg=PA124|accessdate=25 September 2013|year=2003|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-4868-7|page=124}} ** {{cite book|title=Studies in Chinese language, literature and philosophy|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=UThDAQAAIAAJ|year=1971|page=72}} * 井戸の中の独言も三年たてば知れる ** ''Ido no naka no hitori-goto mo san'nen tateba shireru.'' ** Translation: Even the mutterings of a man in a well are widely known after three years. ** {{cite book|author=山口翼|title=日本語大シソーラス: 類語検索大辞典|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=IJwPAAAAYAAJ|year=2003|publisher=大修館書店|page=87}} * 亀の甲より年の功 ** ''Kame no kou yori toshi no kou.'' ** Translation: Wisdom gotten from age is better than the shell of a tortoise. ** English equivalent 1: Years know more than '''[[books]].''' ** English equivalent 2: "Experience is the mother of wisdom." ** "Prudence is the footprint of Wisdom." ** Amos Bronson Alcott, ''Orphic Sayings'' (1840) ** {{cite book|author=高田哲郎|title=あちゃ・むし・だんべぇ物語パート5|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=9KqvrV7zGr8C&pg=PA248|date=June 2010|publisher=幹書房|isbn=978-4-902615-68-5|page=248}} ** {{cite book|author=創元社編集部|title=ことわざ・名言事典|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=XTPaWGswpLUC&pg=PA20|date=September 2000|publisher=創元社|isbn=978-4-422-02106-5|page=20}} * 一盲衆を引く ** ''Ichi mou shuu-o hiku.'' ** Translation: One blind man leads the crowd. ** English equivalent: If the BLIND lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch. ** "''Un sot trouve toujours un plus sot qui l'admire.'' ** Translation: A fool always finds one still more foolish to admire him. ** Variant A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him." ** [[Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux]], ''L'Art Poétique (The Art of Poetry)'', Canto I, l. 232 (1674). ** {{cite book|last=Paczolay|first=Gyula |title=European proverbs: in 55 languages, with equivalents in Arabic, Persian, Sanskrit, Chinese and Japanese|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=JiXzAAAAMAAJ|year=1997|publisher=Veszprémi Nyomda|isbn=1-875943-44-7|page=203|chapter=35}} ** {{cite book|title=Kokugakuin zasshi|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=u3U9AQAAIAAJ|year=1978|publisher=國學院大學|page=4}} * 一寸先は闇 ** ''Issun saki wa yami.'' ** Translation: It is dark one inch ahead of you. ** English equivalent 1: Who can see in the future? ** English equivalent 2: Expect the unexpected. ** {{cite book|author=関洸念|title=諺にみる運・根・鈍: 日本人の魂の故郷を温ねて|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=7V37fijqLq4C&pg=PA35|date=15 December 1999|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-88737-686-1|page=35}} * 出る釘は打たれる ** ''Deru kugi wa utareru.'' ** Translation: The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. ** Chinese equivalent: 棒打出頭鳥。 ** Note: While ''kui'' (杭, stake) is sometimes used in place of ''kugi'' (釘, nail) some purists point to the incongruity of using "kui" since, in traditional Japanese post and beam house construction, it is physically impossible to hammer a stake flush with the wood, and a stake in the ground would have no structural function. ** "'''It has often been said that [[power]] corrupts. But it is perhaps equally important to realize that [[weakness]], too, corrupts. Power corrupts the few, while weakness corrupts the many. Hatred, malice, rudeness, intolerance, and suspicion are the faults of weakness.''' The resentment of the weak does not spring from any injustice done to them but from the sense of inadequacy and impotence. '''They hate not wickedness but weakness. When it is their power to do so, the weak destroy weakness wherever they see it.'''" ** Eric Hoffer, ''The Passionate State Of Mind, and Other Aphorisms'' (1955) ** Roku Okada, ''Japanese Proverbs and Proverbial Phrases'', Japan Travel Bureau, Tokyo 1955, page 28 * 艱難にあって初めて真友を知る ** ''Kannan ni atte hajimete shinyū-o shiru.'' ** Translation: Friends are known first in hardships. ** English equivalent: A friend in need is a friend indeed. ** Chinese equivalent: 患難見真情。 ** {{cite book | last1 = Paczolay | first = Gyula | year = 1997 | title = European Proverbs in 55 languages | publisher = DeProverbio.com | page = 159 | pages = 527 | isbn = 1-875943-44-7}} * 虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず ** ''Koketsu ni irazunba koji-o ezu.'' ** Translation: If you do not enter the tiger's cave, you will not catch its cub. ** English equivalent: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. ** Chinese equivalent: 不入虎穴，焉得虎子。 ** "If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be." ** Joseph Campbell, ''The Power of Myth'' (1988) ** Meaning: "Nothing can be achieved without effort, suffering or hardship." ** Source for meaning of English equivalent: {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA205|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=205}} ** {{cite book | last1 = 茂田滄海 | year = 2002 | title = サラリーマンの父から息子への、67通の手紙: 中国の名言をちりばめて | publisher = 文芸社 | page = 81 | isbn=4835539524}} * 木の実は元へ落つる ** ''Kinomi wa moto e otsuru.'' ** Translation: A berry falls to (its tree's) roots. ** English equivalent: The apple does not fall far from the tree. ** "Children observe daily and — in their behaviour — often follow the example of their parents." ** {{cite book | last1 = Paczolay | first = Gyula | year = 1997 | title = European Proverbs in 55 languages | publisher = DeProverbio.com | page = 259 | pages = 527 | isbn = 1-875943-44-7}} * 七転び八起き ** ''Nana korobi ya oki.'' ** Translation: Fall down seven times, get up eight. ** English equivalent: If at first you don't succeed try, try again. ** {{cite book | last1 = McDermott | first = Patrick | year = 2007 | title = Mind Body Spirit: The Triangle of Life | publisher = iUniverse | page = 84 | pages = 300 | isbn = 0595420761}} * 能ある鷹は爪を隠す ** ''Nou aru taka wa tsume-o kakusu.'' ** Translation: The smart hawk hides its talons. ** Meaning: One should hide his best abilities until the time comes to show them. ** Closest English equivalent: "Still water runs deep." ** {{cite book | last1 = 関洸念 | year = 1999 | title = 諺にみる運・根・鈍: 日本人の魂の故郷を温ねて | publisher = 文芸社 | page = 399 | isbn=4887376863}} * 小打も積もれば大木を倒す ** ''Shouda mo tsumoreba taiboku-o taosu.'' ** Translation: With many little strokes a large tree is felled. ** English equivalent: Little strokes fell great oaks. ** Meaning: "A difficult task, e. g. removing a person/group from a strong position, or changing established ideas cannot be done quickly. It can be achieved gradually, by small steps, a little at a time." ** {{cite book | last1 = Paczolay | first = Gyula | year = 1997 | title = European Proverbs in 55 languages | publisher = DeProverbio.com | page = 252 | pages = 527 | isbn = 1-875943-44-7}} * 立つ鳥跡を濁さず ** ''Tatsu tori ato-o nigosazu.'' ** Translation: A leaving bird does not leave a mess. ** English equivalent: It is an ill bird that fouls its own nest; Don't wash your dirty linen in public. ** Meaning: "Why wantonly proclaim one's own disgrace, or expose the faults or weaknesses of one's kindred or people?" ** Meaning 2: "It is considered contemptible to defy the rule of solidarity by revealing facts harmful to the group one belongs to." ** {{cite book|title=Proverbs of All Nations|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=PdxtAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA109|year=1859|publisher=W. Kent & Company (late D. Bogue)|page=109}} ** {{cite book|last=Paczolay|first=Gyula |title=European proverbs: in 55 languages, with equivalents in Arabic, Persian, Sanskrit, Chinese and Japanese|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=JiXzAAAAMAAJ|year=1997|publisher=Veszprémi Nyomda|isbn=1-875943-44-7|page=466|chapter=106}} * この父にしてこの子あり ** ''Kono chichi ni shite kono ko ari.'' ** Translation: With such father there is such a child. ** English equivalent: Like father, like son. ** Chinese equivalent: 有其父，必有其子。 ** Meaning: "Sons may look and behave like their fathers. This is due to inheritance and the example observed closely and daily." ** {{cite book | last1 = Paczolay | first = Gyula | year = 1997 | title = European Proverbs in 55 languages | publisher = DeProverbio.com | page = 170 | pages = 527 | isbn = 1-875943-44-7}} * 酒は本心を表す ** ''Sake-wa honshin-o arawasu.'' ** Translation: Sake [in other words alcohol], reveals the true heart. ** English equivalent: In wine there is truth; ''In vino veritas.'' ** Chinese equivalent: 酒後吐真言。 ** Meaning: "Alcohol consumed removes the inhibition against telling the truth that occasionally one would like to keep secret." ** {{cite book | last1 = Paczolay | first = Gyula | year = 1997 | title = European Proverbs in 55 languages | publisher = DeProverbio.com | page = 272 | pages = 527 | isbn = 1-875943-44-7}} * 目は口ほどに物を言う ** ''Me-wa kuchi hodo mono-o iu.'' ** English equivalent: The eyes are sometimes a true index of the heart. ** {{cite book|author=旺文社|title=中学入試でる順　ポケでる　国語　慣用句・ことわざ（三訂版）|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=_XV5DAAAQBAJ&pg=PA176|date=13 September 2014|publisher=株式会社 旺文社|isbn=978-4-01-011051-5|page=176}} * 義は険しい山よりも重く、死は大鳥の羽よりも軽い ** Duty is weightier than a mountain, while death is lighter than a feather. ** ''{{w|Imperial Rescript to Soldiers and Sailors}}'' (1882), as quoted in {{cite book|title=Sources of the Japanese tradition, Volume II|year=1964|publisher=Columbia University Press|page=199}} == Idiomatic phrases == * 水に流す ** ''Mizu ni nagasu.'' ** Translation: let the water flow. ** English equivalent: Forgive and forget; [[w:water under the bridge]]. ** "I never take vengeance unless I am forced to do so by an oath or in self-protection. I believe that evil is its own punishment." ** Claudius (later Caesar/Emperor of the Roman Empire), in Robert Graves' historical novel ''I, Claudius'' (1934). ** {{cite book | last1 = | year = 2011 | title = 真面目なのに生きるのが辛い人 | publisher = PHP研究所 | page = 25 | isbn=456979551X}} * 石の上にも三年 ** ''Ishi no ue nimo san nen.'' ** Translation: [To stay] three years on a rock. ** Meaning: "This proverb teaches the principle of perseverance by encouraging one to see an enterprise through to its conclusion." ** {{cite book|author1=Jonathan H. X. Lee|author2=Kathleen M. Nadeau|title=Encyclopedia of Asian American Folklore and Folklife|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=9BrfLWdeISoC&pg=PA636|year=2011|publisher=ABC-CLIO|isbn=978-0-313-35066-5|page=636}} ** {{cite book | last1 = | year = 2009 | title = 黄金の天馬: 合気道を創始した男 | publisher = PHP研究所 | page = 134 | isbn=4569673775}} * 乗りかかった船 ** ''Nori-kakatta fune.'' ** Translation: A ship that you are already partially in. ** English equivalent: In for a penny, in for a pound. ** {{cite book|author=中地正行|title=遥かなる大地|url=https://books.google.co.jp/books/about/%E9%81%A5%E3%81%8B%E3%81%AA%E3%82%8B%E5%A4%A7%E5%9C%B0.html?id=2HDLwAEACAAJ&redir_esc=y|date=November 2001|publisher=文芸社|isbn=978-4-8355-2160-2|page=145}} * 竜頭蛇尾 **''Ryuto-dabi'' **Translation: A dragon's head, a serpent's tail. ** English equivalentː A good Start often means a bad finish. ** {{cite book |year = 1995 |title = ポケット版ことわざ辞典 |url = https://books.google.se/books?id=MKwvAQAAIAAJ&q=%E7%AB%9C%E9%A0%AD%E8%9B%87%E5%B0%BE+%E3%81%93%E3%81%A8%E3%82%8F%E3%81%96&dq=%E7%AB%9C%E9%A0%AD%E8%9B%87%E5%B0%BE+%E3%81%93%E3%81%A8%E3%82%8F%E3%81%96&hl=sv&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjl_-6-v7zyAhVoSPEDHQUKDHQQ6AEwAnoECGEQAg |page = 437 |isbn = 4415081304 }} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.kotowaza.org Japanese / English / Dutch v.v. Proverb dictionary] [[Category:Proverbs by language]] [[Category:Japan|proverbs]] sur0z9pukj2u1t62r6w3i0ksjfos5qu 0 1615 3955110 3954788 2026-06-21T17:37:30Z ~2026-21258-26 3308661 3955110 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons''': The Model Series Eras: The Old Series Eras: The Clearwater Features Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 2|2]]}} The Britt Allcroft Company Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 5|5]]}} The Gullane Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 7|7]]}} The New Series Era: The Old HIT Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 12|12]]}} The CGI Series Eras: The Old CGI Series Era: The New HIT Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 16|16]]}} The New CGI Series Era: The Andrew Brenner Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 21|21]]}} The Big World! Big Adventures! Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 23|23]] 24}} ---- '''''Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends''''' Provider: NBC Universal (1984–1986, 1991-1992, 1994-1995, 1998, 2002-2021, otherwise referred to as '''''Thomas & Friends''''', '''''Thomas the Tank Engine''''' or '''''Thomas''''' for short) is a British [[w:Children's television series|children's television series]] based on the series of the British children's books referred to as ''[[The Railway Series]]''. The show was aimed at elementary school children, and middle school children, and from ages 5 to 12. ==Sesaons== Random ==Movies== * ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' (2000) * ''[[Calling All Engines!]]'' (2005) * ''[[The Great Discovery]]'' (2008) * ''[[Hero of the Rails]]'' (2009) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011) * ''[[Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] (2013) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Tale of the Brave|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: The Adventure Begins|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015) * ''[[Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015) * ''[[The Great Race (Thomas)|The Great Race]]'' (2016) * ''[[Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017) * ''[[Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018) == Storytellers == *[[Ringo Starr]] (UK/US) (Seasons 1–2) (1984–1986) *[[w:Michael Angelis|Michael Angelis]] (UK) (Seasons 3–16) (1991–2012) *[[George Carlin]] (US) (Seasons 1–4) (1984–1995) *[[Alec Baldwin]] (US) (Seasons 5–6) (1998–2002) *[[w:Michael Brandon|Michael Brandon]] (US) (Seasons 7–16) (2003–2012) *[[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]] (UK/US) (Season 12) (2008) *[[w:Mark Moraghan|Mark Moraghan]] (UK/US) (Seasons 17–21) (2013–2017) *[[w:John Hasler|John Hasler]] (UK) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) *[[w:Joseph May|Joseph May]] (US) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) == Character Voices == *[[Ringo Starr]] (UK/US) (Seasons 1–2) (1984–1986) *[[w:Michael Angelis|Michael Angelis]] (UK) (Seasons 3–16) (1991–2012) *[[George Carlin]] (US) (Seasons 1–4) (1984–1995) *[[Alec Baldwin]] (US) (Seasons 5–6) (1998–2002) *[[w:Michael Brandon|Michael Brandon]] (US) (Seasons 7–16) (2003–2012) *[[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]] (UK/US) (Season 12) (2008) *[[w:Mark Moraghan|Mark Moraghan]] (UK/US) (Seasons 17–21) (2013–2017) *[[w:John Hasler|John Hasler]] (UK) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) *[[w:Joseph May|Joseph May]] (US) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) == See also == *''[[Tugs]]'' *''[[Shining Time Station]]'' *''[[Salty's Lighthouse]]'' *''[[Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go]]'' *''[[Microsoft Train Simulator]]'' *''[[Rail Simulator]]'' *''[[Train Simulator Classic]]'' *''[[Train Sim World]]'' *''[[The Railway Series]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|Thomas & Friends}} *{{imdb title | id=0086815 | title=Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends}} {{Thomas & Friends}} [[Category:UK children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:PBS shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Freeform shows]] [[Category:ITV shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network shows]] [[Category:Nick Jr. shows]] fprk4v84max4cqrua5bwu9macme7fc3 0 2153 3955091 3954183 2026-06-21T16:12:13Z Joreberg 323041 Poll: "Dumocrats" or "Dumbocrats"? 3955091 wikitext text/x-wiki <!-- This is a controversial subject. Please note that Wikiquote is not censored. --> {{Too-long}} [[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|I don't do it for the [[money]]. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever need. I do it to do it. Deals are my art form.]] '''[[w:Donald Trump|Donald John Trump]]''' (born [[June 14]], [[1946]]) is an American [[w:Political career of Donald Trump|politician]], [[w:Media career of Donald Trump|media personality]], and [[w:Business career of Donald Trump|businessman]] who is serving as the [[w:List of presidents of the United States|47th]] [[President of the United States|president]] of the [[United States|United States of America]] since January 20, 2025. He previously served as the 45th president from 2017 to 2021. :See also: ::'''''[[Quotes about Donald Trump]]''''' ::'''''[[Donald Trump on social media]]''''' ::'''''[[First presidency of Donald Trump]]''''' ::'''''[[Second presidency of Donald Trump]]''''' ::'''''[[Racial views of Donald Trump]]''''' ::'''''[[Trumpism]]''''' [[lv:Donalds Trumps]] ==Quotes== [[File:Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|I stand before you now as proof that you should never believe that something is impossible to do. In America, the impossible is what we do best... We will stand bravely, we will live proudly, we will dream boldly, and nothing will stand in our way because we are Americans.]][[File:January 2025 Official Presidential Portrait of Donald J. Trump.jpg|thumb| I believe it is God’s job to sit in judgment; my job, to defend America and to promote the fundamental interests of stability, prosperity, and peace. [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2025/05/trump-immoral-world-order/682826/ ]]][[File:Cabinet Meeting (49092290281).jpg|thumb| They let&mdash;I think the real number is 15, 16 million people into our country. When they do that, we got a lot of work to do. They’re poisoning the blood of our country.[https://variety.com/2024/biz/news/donald-trump-god-rnc-nomination-1236077838/]|alt=File:Main-qimg-021d8d22e0438179020144bbb4821733.jpg]][[File:Shinzo Abe and Donald Trump playing golf.jpg|thumb| That's one of the nice things. I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I'm very rich. So if I need $600 million, I can put $600 million myself. That's a huge advantage. I must tell you, that's a huge advantage over the other candidates.[https://nypost.com/2024/07/25/us-news/trump-hopes-us-obliterates-iran-if-hes-assassinated-by-the-american-adversary/]]] [[File:This was the President Donald Trump's first trip aboard Air Force One (cropped).jpg|thumb|I know the best people. To me, it's all about people. You got to have the right people. When we have the right people, it runs beautifully[https://www.foxnews.com/media/trump-tells-bronx-barbershop-what-he-would-do-differently-elected-second-time-its-all-about-people]]] ===1980s=== * '''Rona Barrett''': If you lost your fortune today, what would you do tomorrow?<br>'''Donald Trump''': Maybe I’d run for president. I don’t know. ** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980) * '''Rona Barrett''': Would you like to be the [[President of the United States]]?<br>'''Donald Trump''': I really don't believe I would, Rona. But I would like to see somebody as the president who could do the job, and there are very capable people in this country.<br>'''Barrett''': Why wouldn't you dedicate yourself to public service?<br>'''Trump''': Because I think it's a very mean life. I would love, and I would dedicate my life to this country but I see it as being a mean life, and I also see it in somebody with strong views, and somebody with the kind of views that are maybe a little bit unpopular, which may be right, but may be unpopular, wouldn't necessarily have a chance of getting elected against somebody with no great brain but a big smile. ** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980) * '''Rona Barrett''': How would you like to be remembered?<br>'''Donald Trump''': Well, as somebody that’s contributed something to the United States and to the [[New York City|City of New York]], and to the various other places that I’m going, and somebody that’s done a little bit better than other people at what he does. ** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980) * I said, 'I will build you this incredible, gorgeous, gleaming hotel. I will put people to work in the construction trades and save hotel [[jobs]] and the Grand Central area will come around.' So the city made the deal. ** {{citation |title=The Empire and Ego of Donald Trump |journal=The New York Times |date=August 7, 1983 |first=Marilyn |last=Bender |url=http://www.nytimes.com/1983/08/07/business/the-empire-and-ego-of-donald-trump.html }} * "Give them the old Trump bullshit," he told the architect Der Scutt before a presentation of the [[w:Trump Tower|Trump Tower]] design at a press conference in 1980. "Tell them it is going to be a million square feet, sixty-eight stories." ** [[Marie Brenner]] "After the Gold Rush", ''[[w:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]]'' (September 1, 1990) * Some people have an ability to [[negotiate]]. It's an [[art]] you're basically born with. You either have it or you don't. * It would take an hour-and-a-half to learn everything there is to learn about missiles. I think I know most of it anyway. You're talking about just getting updated on a situation ** {{citation |title=Donald Trump, Holding All The Cards The Tower! The Team! The Money! The Future! |journal=Washington Post |date=November 15, 1984 |first=Lois |last=Romano |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/pb/archive/lifestyle/1984/11/15/donald-trump-holding-all-the-cards-the-tower-the-team-the-money-the-future/8be79254-7793-4812-a153-f2b88e81fa54/?resType=accessibility }}, talking about his desire to be involved in negotiations with the then Soviet Union * I have featured and will always continue to feature my name prominently in all my [[enterprises]]. **''[[w:Business Week|Business Week]]'' (July 22, 1985) * I look at things for the art sake and the beauty sake and for the deal sake. **''[[w:New York (magazine)|New York]]'' (July 11, 1988), p. 24 * I'm not big on [[compromise]]. I understand compromise. Sometimes compromise is the right answer, but oftentimes compromise is the equivalent of [[Failure|defeat]], and I don't like being defeated. **''[[w:Life (magazine)|Life]]'', Vol. 12 (January 1989), p. iii * [[Ed Koch|Mayor Koch]] has stated that hate and rancor should be removed from our hearts. I do not think so. **[http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg "Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!"] An advert taken out by Trump in the [[w:New York Daily News|''New York Daily News'']] and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d in 2002 after Matias Reyes confessed to the assault) (May 1, 1989) * How can [[w:Society of the United States|our great society]] tolerate the continued brutalization of [[w:Citizenship of the United States|its citizens]] by crazed misfits? [[w:Crime in the United States|Criminals]] must be told that their [[w:Civil liberties in the United States|CIVIL LIBERTIES]] END WHEN AN ATTACK ON OUR SAFETY BEGINS! **[http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg "Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!"] An advert taken out by Trump in the ''New York Daily News'' and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d in 2002 after Matias Reyes confessed to the assault) (May 1, 1989) * Let [[w:Politics of the United States|our politicians]] give back our [[w:New York City Police Department|police department]]'s power to keep us safe. Unshackle them from the constant chant of "[[w:Police brutality in the United States|police brutality]]" which every [[w:Misdemeanor|petty criminal]] hurls immediately at an officer who has just risked his or her life to save another's. ** [http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg "Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!"] An advert taken out by Trump in the New York Daily News and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d in 2002 after Matias Reyes confessed to the assault) (May 1, 1989) * Of course I hate these people and let's all hate these people because maybe hate is what we need if we're gonna get something done. ** In [http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/07/politics/trump-larry-king-central-park-five/index.html 1989 interview] with {{W|Larry King}}, about the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were later vacated) * I like to hire people that I've seen in action. I often hire people that were on the opposing side of a deal that I respect. **''[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]'' (September 23, 1989), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 25 * I think if this country gets any kinder or gentler, it's literally going to cease to exist. **''[[w:Playboy (magazine)|Playboy]]'' (March 1990) ====''[[w:Trump: The Art of the Deal|Trump: The Art of the Deal]]'' (1987)==== {{main|The Art of the Deal}} * I don't do it for the money. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever need. I do it to do it. Deals are my art form. * I like thinking big. I always have. To me it's very simple: if you're going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big. Most people think small, because most people are afraid of success, afraid of making decisions, afraid of winning. And that gives people like me a great advantage. * I'm a great believer in asking everyone for an opinion before I make a decision. ... I ask and I ask and I ask, until I begin to get a gut feeling about something. And that's when I make a decision. I have learned much more from conducting my own random surveys than I could ever have learned from the greatest of consulting firms. * You can't con people, at least not for long. You can create excitement, you can do wonderful promotion and get all kinds of press, and you can throw in a little hyperbole. But if you don't deliver the goods, people will eventually catch on. * You can't be scared. You do your thing, you hold your ground, you stand up tall, and whatever happens, happens. ===1990=== [[File:Universal_health_care.svg|thumb|I'm very [[liberal]] when it comes to [[health care]]. I believe in {{w|universal health care}}. I believe in whatever it takes to make people well and better.]] [[File:Goddess_of_Democracy_at_UBC.jpg|thumb|upright|When the students poured into Tiananmen Square, the Chinese government almost blew it. Then they were vicious, they were horrible, but [[w:Tiananmen Square protests of 1989|they put it down with strength]]. That shows you the power of strength.]] * What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate. ** ''Trump: Surviving at the Top'' (1990), p. 3 *She turned out to be the wife of a man who was then the prime minister of a major country. I'd heard stories about this lady, but I never thought much of them until that night. We met at the house of the friend who'd phoned me. After we'd all chatted for a while in the living room, the four of us who already knew each other drifted out to the kitchen, leaving Ben and Madame X in the living room to get better acquainted. Which they did. In fact, when we drifted back in, about ten minutes later, she and Ben were involved in an incredibly torrid scene on the couch. I remember standing there and thinking to myself, "Well, Donald, you're not in Queens anymore." ** ''Trump: Surviving at the Top'' (1990), p. 52 * "When a man leaves a woman, especially when it was perceived that he has left for a piece of ass—a good one!—there are 50 percent of the population who will love the woman who was left," he told me. ** {{citation |date=September 1, 1990|title=After the Gold Rush |periodical=Vanity Fair |url=https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner}} by [[Marie Brenner]] * "I want five children, like in my own family, because with five, then I will know that one will be guaranteed to turn out like me," Donald told a close friend. ** {{citation |date=September 1, 1990 |author=Marie Brenner |title=After the Gold Rush |periodical=Vanity Fair |url=https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner}} * Very good question. (pause) I don't think it's a sin but I don't think it should be done. ** in response to the question, "Is [[adultery]] a sin." ** in the ''[[New York Post]]'' (February 23, 1990), as [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/10/30/donald-trump-in-1990-adultery-is-not-a-sin.html archived at ''the Daily Beast''] * [[Leona Helmsley]] is a truly evil human being. She treated employees worse than any human being I've ever witnessed and I've dealt with some of the toughest human beings alive. ** {{citation |year=1990 |month=March |author=Glenn Plaskin |title=The Playboy Interview with Donald Trump |periodical={{w|Playboy}} |url=https://www.playboy.com/read/playboy-interview-donald-trump-1990}} * When [[1989 Tiananmen Square protests|the students poured into Tiananmen Square]], the {{w|Chinese government}} almost blew it. Then they were vicious, they were horrible, but they put it down with strength. That shows you the power of strength. ** {{citation |year=1990 |month=March |author=Glenn Plaskin |title=The Playboy Interview with Donald Trump |periodical={{w|Playboy}} |url=https://www.playboy.com/read/playboy-interview-donald-trump-1990}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-10-20 |title=Bury Trump in a Landslide |periodical={{w|New York Daily News}} |url=http://interactive.nydailynews.com/2016/10/daily-news-editorial-bury-trump-in-landslide/}} * I said to the [[bankers]], "Listen, fellows, if I have a problem, then you have a problem. We have to find a way out or it's going to be a difficult time for both of us." ** ''Fortune'' (August 13, 1990), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 44 ** Cf. [[J. Paul Getty]]: "If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem." ===1991=== * You know, it doesn't really matter what the media writes as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass. ** [http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a24057/donald-trump-presidential-run-2016-072913/ Esquire Interview] (1991) ===1992=== * You have to treat 'em [women] like s--- {{sic}} ** Reported in {{cite news |title=Fighting Back: Trump Scrambles off the Canvas |first=Julie |last=Baumgold |work=New York |volume=25 |number=44 |date=1992-11-09 |page=43 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=BeUCAAAAMBAJ&q=%22trump+is+talking+about+women+and+says%22#v=snippet&q=%22trump%20is%20talking%20about%20women%20and%20says%22&f=false}}. Bowdlerization in the original. * Wow! Just think — in a couple of years I'll be dating you. ** to two 14-year-old girls in 1992 ** from the {{w|Chicago Tribune}}, as archived at [http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2016/10/13/in_1992_trump_told_two_14_year_old_girls_in_a_couple_of_years_i_ll_be_dating.html Slate] * He's a good guy, and he's not going to hurt anybody. . . . He treated his wife well and . . . he will treat Marla well. :Actresses, people that you write about just call to see if they can go out with him and things. :I mean, he's living with Marla and he's got three other girlfriends. :He does things for himself. When he makes a decision, that will be a very lucky woman. :* Speaking about himself under the pseudonym of [[w:Pseudonyms of Donald Trump#"John Miller" (1991)|John Miller]] in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/05/13/transcript-the-full-text-of-john-miller-interview-about-donald-trump-with-people-reporter/?tid=a_inl a 1991 interview with a ''People'' reporter], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/05/13/transcript-the-full-text-of-john-miller-interview-about-donald-trump-with-people-reporter/?tid=a_inl Donald Trump masqueraded as publicist to brag about himself], Washington Post * I'm gonna be dating her in ten years. ** of a 10-year-old girl, in 1992 ** {{citation |date=2016-10-13 |author=Emily Schultheis |title=More allegations, questionable Trump comments on women surface |periodical=CBS News |url=http://www.cbsnews.com/news/more-unearthed-footage-trump-says-of-10-year-old-i-am-going-to-be-dating-her-in-10-years/}} ===1993=== * '''Howard Stern''': So, you treat women with respect?<br>'''Donald Trump''': Uh, I can't say that either.<br>'''Stern''': Alright, good. ** An interview on ''[[w:The Howard Stern Show|The Howard Stern Show]]'', 1993 * You know, if you’re young, and in this era, and if you have any guilt about not having gone to Vietnam, we have our own Vietnam—it’s called the dating game... Dating is like being in Vietnam. You’re the equivalent of a soldier going over to Vietnam. ** An interview on ''The Howard Stern Show'', 1993, [https://people.com/politics/trump-boasted-of-avoiding-stds-while-dating-vaginas-are-landmines-it-was-my-personal-vietnam/ archived by ''People''] *I am not a {{w|law enforcement officer}}. I am not supposed to be going around checking {{w|Indian reservation}}s. That is what you have [[w:Federal Bureau of Investigation#Indian reservations|the FBI for]], and they are very capable, the most capable. **Oversight Hearing Before the Subcommittee on Native American Affairs of the Committee on Natural Resources, House of Representatives, October 5, 1993: In ''Implementation of Indian Gaming Regulatory Act: Oversight Hearing Before the Subcommittee on Native American Affairs of the Committee on Natural Resources, House of Representatives, One Hundred Third Congress ... Public Law 100-497, the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act of 1988'', Part 5, page 187 ===1994=== * Well, I think that she's got a lot of [[w:Marla Maples|Marla]] [Maples, Trump's second wife], she's a really beautiful baby, and she's got Marla's legs. We don't know whether she's got this part yet [gestures toward own chest], but time will tell... ** [http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/04/06/video_donald_trump_on_his_one_year_old_daughter_s_brests.html On his then-one year old daughter Tiffany], ''Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous'', 1994 *Everybody's always blaming me for everything. **16 May 1994 in "For Sale by Owner" s4e24 of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_wcNmQ_hEk&t=70 video here] ===1996=== * Let's make a deal; if you promise not to get "personal" with me, I will promise not to show you as the crude, fat and obnoxious slob which everyone knows you are. Sincerely, Donald J. Trump. ** [http://www.palmbeachdailynews.com/lifestyles/before-twitter-name-calling-letter-from-donald-trump/KaGSV40cQnefESyXhe5CuN/ Letter to journalist Shannon Donnelly], 1996 ===1997=== *“It’s amazing, I can’t even believe it. I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world, it is a dangerous world out there. It’s like Vietnam, sort of. It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave solider” **speaking of having [[sex]] and referring to women's genitals as “potential landmines”. ** An interview on ''The Howard Stern Show'', 1997, [https://people.com/politics/trump-boasted-of-avoiding-stds-while-dating-vaginas-are-landmines-it-was-my-personal-vietnam/ archived by ''People''] ===1999=== * I'm [[w:Conservatism in the United States|conservative]], and even very [[conservative]]. But I'm quite [[w:Liberalism in the United States|liberal]] and getting much more [[w:Healthcare reform debate in the United States#Liberal arguments|liberal on health care]] and other things. I really say: What's the purpose of a country if you're not going to have defensive and [[health care]]? If you can't take care of your sick in the country, forget it, it's all over. I mean, it's no good. So I'm very liberal when it comes to health care. I believe in {{w|universal health care}}. I believe in whatever it takes to make people well and better. ** [http://edition.cnn.com/ALLPOLITICS/stories/1999/10/08/trump.transcript/ Interview with Larry King] ''CNN'' (October 1999) * I surround myself with the best people. I know the best people. ** On an interview (1999 November 26) * The part of my life I think I'm most disappointed in is that I have not had the great marriage. And I would have thought that would have happened, because I came from a home—you know, it's not like some of my [[Friend|friends]], they get divorced, but their parents were divorced twice or three times. I came from a home where marriage was just incredible. I mean, my parents truly loved each other. ** ''Good Morning America'' (2 December 1999), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 46 * I'm on the conservative side, but [[Pat Buchanan|[Pat] Buchanan]] is [[Attila]] the Hun. ** As quoted in ''Selected Quotes from Newsweek Magazine, 1999'' — {{cite web |url=https://web.archive.org/web/20001015150910/http://www.sph.umich.edu/~rwatt/old_nw3.htm |title=Richard Watanabe - Newsweek Quotes, 1999 |publisher=Sph.umich.edu |date= |accessdate=2010-06-13}} * People want me to [run for president] all the time … I don't like it. Can you imagine how controversial I'd be? You think about him ''[Bill Clinton]'' and the women. How about me with the women? Can you imagine? ** On ''{{W|Hardball with Chris Matthews}}'', as quoted in {{citation |date=1999-07-12 |author=Deborah Orin |title=Trump ‘toys’ with prez run |periodical={{w|New York Post}} |url=http://nypost.com/1999/07/12/trump-toys-with-prez-run}} ===2000=== * I generally oppose [[w:Gun control in the United States|gun control]], but I support the ban on [[assault weapon]]s. **{{cite book |title=[[w:The America We Deserve|The America We Deserve]] |authorlink1=w:Donald Trump |first1=Donald |last1=Trump |first2=Dave |last2=Shiflett |year=2000 |publisher=[[w:Renaissance Books|Renaissance Books]] |isbn=1580631312}}; {{cite news |title=Trump's Evolving Positions on Gun Issues |first1=Linda |last1=Qiu |first2=Kitty |last2=Bennett |date=March 12, 2018 |newspaper=[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]] |accessdate=September 6, 2018 |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/12/us/politics/trump-evolving-positions-gun-issues.html}} * So the [[wikipedia:Reform Party of the United States of America|Reform Party]] now includes a Klansman, Mr. [[David Duke|Duke]], a [[neo-Nazi]], Mr. Buchanan, and a [[communist]], [[w:Lenora Fulani|Ms. Fulani]]. This is not company I wish to keep. ** As quoted in {{cite news |last= |first= |date=14 February 2000 |title=QUOTATION OF THE DAY |url=http://www.nytimes.com/2000/02/14/nyregion/quotation-of-the-day-815233.html |newspaper=The New York Times |location= |access-date= }}<!--{{cite news |last1=Kaczynski |first1=Andrew |last2=Massie| first2=Christopher |date= Aug. 26, 2015, at 11:27 p.m. |title=Top Racists And Neo-Nazis Back Donald Trump |url=http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/meet-the-prominent-white-nationalists-fired-up-to-support-do#.vuV8WvAdp |newspaper=BuzzFeed News |location= |access-date= }}--> * I judge people based on their capability, honesty, and merit. ** [https://books.google.com/books?id=smMEAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA23&dq=%22Trump%20towers%22 "Trump towers"], interview with Paul Alexander, ''The Advocate'' (15 February 2000), p. 23 * It's very possible that I could be the first [[w:United States presidential election|presidential candidate]] to run and make money on it. ** Reported by Jerry Useem, [http://fortune.com/2000/04/03/what-does-donald-trump-really-want/ "What Does Donald Trump Really Want?"], ''Fortune'', 3 April 2000. ===2002=== * I think the regulations are very tough, but I think they could be made tougher. And where they really have to be made tougher is when somebody is proven [[w:Unfair business practices|to be dishonest]], not a mistake, not an honest mistake because look, people make bad business deals all the time. When somebody is proven to be dishonest, really harsh punishment has to take place. **''[[w:Hardball with Chris Matthews|Hardball with Chris Matthews]]'' (15 July 2002), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 23 * '''[[Howard Stern]]''': Are you for [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|the invasion of Iraq]]? * '''Donald Trump''': Yeah, I guess so. I wish, uh, I wish [[Gulf War|the first time]] it was done correctly. ** Interview on [[wikipedia:The Howard Stern Show|Howard Stern Show]] (11 September 2002), reported by ''[https://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/in-2002-donald-trump-said-he-supported-invading-iraq-on-the? BuzzFeed]'' (19 February 2016) * I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life. ** On [[w:Jeffrey Epstein|Jeffrey Epstein]]. Quoted in ''[https://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/n_7912/ New York]'', 28 October 2002. * I don't know how you do it. I've put together some really impressive deals, but this thing you've pulled off, it's amazing: a Big N' Tasty for just a dollar. How do you do it? What's your secret? Together Grimace, we could own this town. ** Trump's lines in a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4QNXnNftWk McDonald's advert] (2002), quoted in {{citation|date=2019-01-15|author=Rachel Desantis|title=Donald Trump’s lifelong love of fast food, from his 2002 McDonald’s commercial to ‘hamberders’|periodical=New York Daily News|url=https://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/ny-news-donald-trump-has-always-loved-fast-food-20190115-story.html}} ===2003=== * I love beautiful women, and beautiful women love me. It has to be both ways. ** Interview with Norwegian talk show host [[wikipedia:Fredrik Skavlan|Fredrik Skavlan]] in (November 2003).{{fix cite}}<!-- published/quoted where? --> ===2004=== *Trump: My daughter is beautiful, Ivanka<br>Stern: By the way, your daughter,<br>Trump: She’s beautiful<br>Stern: Can I say this? A '''piece of ass'''<br>Trump: Yeah **September 2004 exchange with [[Howard Stern]] [https://www.cnn.com/2016/10/08/politics/trump-on-howard-stern reported in 2016 by CNN] * Now, if your boss is a sadist, then you have a big problem. In that case, fire your boss and get a new job. ** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004) * If you don't tell people about your success, they probably won't know about it. ** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. xiii * Get going. Move forward. Aim high. Plan for a takeoff. Don't just sit on the runway and hope someone will come along and push the airplane. It simply won't happen. Change your attitude and gain some altitude. Believe me, you'll love it up here. ** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. 74 * In business—every business—the bottom line is understanding the process. If you don't understand the process, you'll never reap the rewards of the process. ** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. 86 * Watch, listen, and learn. You can't know it all yourself—anyone who thinks that they do is destined for mediocrity. ** ''Trump: The Way to the Top: The Best Business Advice I Ever Received'' (2004), p. 20 * I don't like firing people. It's not a pleasant thing and it's sad. ... In some cases, it's a terrible, terrible situation for the person who gets fired, how strongly they take it. So it's not something that any rational or sane person can love doing, but it also happens to be a fact of life in business. ** ''Boston Herald'' (7 January 2004), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 16 * People say, "Do you have the same opportunity today as you had years ago?" And I said, "Absolutely." You always have an opportunity. There's always an opportunity, especially in this country. ** [http://edition.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0403/21/le.00.html Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer], ''CNN'' (21 March 2004) * All of the women on [[w:The Apprentice (U.S. TV series)|''The Apprentice'']] flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected. **[http://www.nydailynews.com/archives/gossip/donald-cuomo-mario-fired-article-1.612165 Ny Daily News] (24 March 2004) * ''[On "You're fired!":]'' There's a beauty in those two words. When you utter those words, there's very little that can be said. There's a succinctness to those words. ** {{citation |title=Trump TV / 'The Apprentice' takes realistic inside look at corporate world |journal=San Francisco Chronicle |date=2004-03-28 |first=David |last=Armstrong |url=http://www.sfgate.com/business/article/Trump-TV-The-Apprentice-takes-realistic-2802491.php }} * My life is seeing everything in terms of "How would ''I'' handle that?" '''Look at the [[Iraq War|war in Iraq]] and the mess that we're in. I would never have handled it that way.''' Does anybody really believe that Iraq is going to be a wonderful democracy where people are going to run down to the voting box and gently put in their ballot and the winner is happily going to step up to lead the county? C'mon. Two minutes after we leave, there's going to be a [[revolution]], and the meanest, toughest, smartest, most vicious guy will take over. And he'll have [[w:Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], which [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam]] didn't have. '''What was the purpose of this whole thing? Hundreds and hundreds of young people killed. And what about the people coming back with no arms and legs? Not to mention the other side. All those Iraqi kids who've been blown to pieces. And it turns out that all of the reasons for the war were blatantly wrong. All this for nothing!''' ** ''Esquire'' magazine (August 2004); [http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/interviews/a37230/donald-trump-esquire-cover-story-august-2004/ "Donald Trump: How I'd Run the Country (Better)" (18 August 2015)] * Pregnancy is "a wonderful thing for the woman, it's a wonderful thing for the husband, it's certainly an inconvenience for a business." ** About pregnancy (2004) * The concept of shaking hands is absolutely terrible, and statistically I’ve been proven right. ** Playboy, 2004 [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2016/06/14/donald-trump-70-birthday-quotes/85619552/] * In many cases, I probably identify more as Democrat. It just seems that the [[economy]] does better under the [[Democrats]] than the [[Republicans]]. Now, it shouldn't be that way. But if you go back, I mean it just seems that the economy does better under the Democrats. ...But certainly we had some very good economies under Democrats, as well as Republicans. But we've had some pretty bad [[disaster]] under the Republicans. ** Said in an interview with CNN's [[Wolf Blitzer]], as quoted by {{citation |title=Trump in '04: 'I probably identify more as Democrat' | journal=CNN | author=Chris Moody | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2015/07/21/politics/donald-trump-election-democrat/index.html }} ===2005=== * I'll go backstage, before a show, and everyone's getting dressed and ready and everything else. And you know, no men are anywhere. And I'm allowed to go in because I'm the owner of the pageant and therefore I'm inspecting it. You know I'm inspecting, I want to make sure everything is good, the dresses, "Is everyone OK?", you know they're standing there with no clothes, "Is everybody OK?", and you see these incredible-looking women, and so I sort of get away with things like that. ** [https://soundcloud.com/user-735086019/101g1 Comments about his ownership of Miss Universe on the Howard Stern Show] (11 April 2005) * They had a person who was extremely proud that a number of the women had become doctors. And I wasn't interested. ** [https://soundcloud.com/user-735086019/101g1 Comments about his ownership of Miss Universe on the Howard Stern Show] (11 April 2005) * I did try and fuck her. She was married. '''I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn't get there.''' And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she's now got the big phony tits and everything. She's totally changed her look. I've gotta use some [[w:Tic Tacs|Tic Tacs]], just in case I start kissing her. You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. '''Just kiss. I don't even wait. When you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything... Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything.''' ** To {{w|Billy Bush}} in 2005; [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/08/us/donald-trump-tape-transcript.html "Transcript: Donald Trump's Taped Comments About Women"], ''The New York Times'' (8 October 2016) ===2006=== * It would be really disappointing — not really — but it would depend on what’s inside the magazine. I don’t think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said '''if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her'''. ** On 7 March 2006 during an appearance on the daytime talk show ''[[w:The View (talk show)|The View]]'' while discussing the possibility of [[Ivanka Trump]]’s posing for ''[[Playboy]]'' magazine. As quoted in ''[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/donald-trump-date-daughter/ Did Donald Trump Say He’d Like to Date His Daughter?]'' by Dan Evon, 10 July 2015, ''{{w|Snopes}}'', and quoted with video clip in {{citation|date=2016-10-10|author=Adam Withnall|title=Donald Trump's unsettling record of comments about his daughter Ivanka|periodical=The Independent|location=UK|url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-elections/donald-trump-ivanka-trump-creepiest-most-unsettling-comments-a-roundup-a7353876.html}} originally reported in [https://www.today.com/popculture/trump-jokes-he-d-date-daughter-wbna11714379 7 March 2006 article on Today via AP] * I thought today's women were independent and had a lot of sexual freedom. ... Well, I guess they fooled me. ** In April 2006, about women's disaproval of {{w|one-night stand}}s. As quoted in ''[https://www.marketwatch.com/story/trump-on-clinton-in-2008-shed-make-a-good-president-2016-07-11 Trump on Clinton in 2008: ‘She'd make a good president']'' (July 11, 2016) by Michael Rothfield and {{w|Mark Maremont}}, ''{{w|MarketWatch}}''. *She’s actually always been '''very voluptuous'''. She’s tall, she’s almost six feet tall and she’s been, she’s an amazing beauty. **October 2006 interview with [[Howard Stern]] about [[Ivanka Trump]] reported [https://www.cnn.com/2016/10/08/politics/trump-on-howard-stern 2016 by CNN] * '''Jon Ward:''' There's a lot of talk, which you no doubt heard too, about a sort of [[real estate]] bubble. What's your take on that pessimism? * '''Donald Trump:''' Well, first of all, I sort of hope that happens because then people like me would go in and buy. ** ''How to Build a Fortune'' (2006), Trump University audiobook, quoted in {{citation|date=2016-05-19|author=Jeremy Diamond|title=Donald Trump in 2006: I 'sort of hope' real estate market tanks|periodical=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2016/05/19/politics/donald-trump-2006-hopes-real-estate-market-crashes/index.html}} * No, I have no age — I mean, I have age limit. I don't want to be like Congressman Foley, with, you know, 12-year-olds, ** [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/donald-trump-howard-stern-tapes-women-35_uk_57fa46e1e4b01fa2b904368b Donald Trump Howard Stern Tapes Show Him Saying 35 Is 'Check-Out Time' For Women And Agreeing His Daughter Is A 'Piece Of Ass'] (2006) When asked if he has an age limit for women he'll sleep with. ===2007=== * Since I love what I do, I do it vigorously and I do it better. Because I inject it with enthusiasm and passion, it doesn't feel like work. My passion spills over to everyone around me and motivates them to do their very best. ** ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=uuR61zcvMTgC&pg=PA1&lpg=PA1&dq=%22since+I+LOVE+WHAT+I+DO,+I+DO+IT+VIGOROUSLY%22&source=bl&ots=ko6GrZPr-e&sig=x3zLQ1fWbNJIrx-7M0CzI-zPljg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjuncTq2OvRAhXCLMAKHTzHDNwQ6AEIGjAA#v=onepage&q=%22since%20I%20LOVE%20WHAT%20I%20DO%2C%20I%20DO%20IT%20VIGOROUSLY%22&f=false Trump 101 The Way to Success]'' (2007), p. 1 * Passion is absolutely necessary to achieve any kind of long-lasting success. I know this from experience. If you don't have passion, everything you do will ultimately fizzle out or, at best, be mediocre. ** ''Trump 101 The Way to Success'' (2007), p. 2 * [[Iraq War|The war]] is total disaster. It's a catastrophe, nothing less. It is such a shame that this took place. In fact, I gained a lot of respect for our current [[George H. W. Bush|president's father]] by the fact that he had the sense not to go in to [[Iraq]]. He won the war and then said let's not go the rest of the way and he turned out to be right. And [[Saddam Hussein]], whether they like him or didn't like him, he hated [[terrorists]]. He'd shoot and kill terrorists. When terrorists came in to his country, which he did control and he did dominate, he would kill terrorists. Now it's a breeding ground for terrorists. So, look, the war is a total catastrophe...and they have [[w:Sectarian violence in Iraq (2006–08)|a civil war]] going on. ** [http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0703/16/sitroom.03.html Interview on "The Situation Room" with Wolf Blitzer] (16 March 2007) * I make that --- twice now, on a Monday I let returning Iraqi injured [[soldiers]] come to the premises. The most beautiful people I've ever seen. But they're missing arms and legs, they're with their wives, sometimes they're with their girlfriends. And the tears are coming down the faces of these people. I mean, thousands and maybe hundreds of thousands, and [[w:Casualties of the Iraq War#Total Iraqi casualties|the Iraqis that have been just maimed and killed]]. This war is a horrible thing. Now, President Bush says he's [[religious]]. And yet 400,000 people, the way I count it, have died, and probably millions have been badly maimed and injured. What's going on? What's going on? And the day we pull out it's going to explode. We're keeping the lid on a little bit. It's still a catastrophe, but the day we pull out, because they're in a [[w:Iraqi Civil War|civil war]]. Whether we want to admit it or not, they're in a civil war. ** [http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0703/16/sitroom.03.html Interview on "The Situation Room" with Wolf Blitzer] (16 March 2007) * [[Hillary Clinton]] I think is a terrific woman. I am biased because I have known her for years. I live in New York. She lives in New York. I really like her and her husband both a lot. I think she really works hard. And I think, again, she's given an agenda, it is not all of her, but I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her. ** 2007 ''CNN'' interview, reported in [[w:Zeke J. Miller|Zeke J. Miller]], "[http://time.com/3962799/donald-trump-hillary-clinton/ When Donald Trump Praised Hillary Clinton]", ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (July 17, 2015). * {{w|Trump Steaks}} are the world's greatest steaks, and I mean that in every sense of the word. Treat yourself to the very, very best life has to offer you. And as a gift, Trump Steaks are the best you can give. One bite, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about, and believe me. I understand steaks, it's my favorite food. ** Lines marking the introduction of Trump Steaks by The Sharper Image (2007) * My net worth fluctuates, and it goes up and down with the markets and with attitudes and with feelings, even my own feelings, but I try. ** Claimed in December 2007, quoted in [https://money.cnn.com/2011/04/21/news/companies/donald_trump/index.htm "Trump: I'm worth whatever I feel"], ''CNN'' (April 21, 2011) * Congratulations on being named Time magazine's 'Man of the Year' — you definitely deserve it. As you have probably heard, I'm a big fan of yours! ** [https://www.businessinsider.com/revealed-donald-trump-letters-to-vladimir-putin-miss-universe-russia-2020-8?r=US&IR=T Letter to Russian president Vladimir Putin] ===2008=== * They'll walk up, and they'll flip their top, and they'll flip their panties. ** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-details-sexual-attractions-relationships-radio-interviews/story?id=37190691 Interview on ''The Howard Stern Show''] (2008) * Hillary Clinton said she'd consider naming [[Barack Obama]] as her vice president when she gets the nomination, but she's nowhere near a shoo-in. ** About the [[w:Democratic Party presidential primaries, 2008|2008 Democratic Party presidential primaries]] in audio released by the ''Journal''. As quoted in ''[http://time.com/4402522/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-good-president/ Donald Trump Once Said Hillary Clinton Would Make A 'Good President']'' (July 12, 2016) by Tara John, ''{{w|The Times}}''. * For his part, Obama said he's just focused on winning the nomination although at least one member on his team said Clinton would make a good vice president. Well, I know her and she'd make a good president or good vice president. ** About the [[w:Democratic Party presidential primaries, 2008|2008 Democratic Party presidential primaries]] in an audio from "Trumped!", a syndicated radio feature that aired from 2004 to 2008. As quoted in ''[http://time.com/4402522/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-good-president/ Donald Trump Once Said Hillary Clinton Would Make A 'Good President']'' (July 12, 2016) by Tara John, ''{{w|The Times}}''. * It's very exciting we have a new president. It would have been nice if he ended with a 500 point up instead of down. It's certainly very exciting. His speech was great last night. I thought it was inspiring in every way. And, hopefully he's going to do a great job. But the way I look at it, he cannot do worse [[w:Presidency of George W. Bush|than Bush]]. ** [http://www.foxnews.com/story/2008/11/06/donald-trump-on-president-elect-obama-cannot-do-worse-than-bush.html "Donald Trump on President-Elect Obama: 'He Cannot Do Worse Than Bush'" Interview with Greta Van Susteren] [[Fox News]] (6 November 2008) ===2009=== * If I'd started in business thinking I knew everything, I'd have been sunk before I started... Never think of learning as being a burden or studying as being boring. It may require some discipline, but it can be an adventure. It can also prepare you for a new beginning. ** ''Think Like a Champion: An Informal Education In Business and Life'' (2009), pp. 16–17 * Without passion, you don't have energy; without energy, you have nothing. [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion.]] ** As quoted in ''Social Networking for Authors: Untapped Possibilities for Wealth'' (2009) by Michael Volkin, p. 60 *let's just talk. I'll give you as much time as you want. I'll tell you what you need to know **2009 to [[w:Bradley Edwards|Bradley Edwards]] (attorney prosecuting [[Jeffrey Epstein]]) as narrated by Edwards in December 2018 interview, according to [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2019/07/prosecutor-in-2009-epstein-case-said-donald-trump-was-the-only-one-who-helped-him/ 7 July 2019 article by Joe Hoft of Gateway Pundit] ===2010=== *Well, I think I was born with a drive for success. I had a father who was successful. He was a builder in Brooklyn and Koreans. And he was successful. And, you know, I have a certain gene. I'm a gene believer. Hey, when you connect two race horses, you usually end up with a fast horse. And I really was -- you know, I had a -- a good gene pool from the standpoint of that. **[https://web.archive.org/web/20200924215510/https://us.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/1002/10/ctw.01.html CNN interview] (February 2010) ===2011=== * Part of the [[beauty]] of me is that I am very [[rich]]. ** Interview with [[w:Ashleigh Banfield|Ashleigh Banfield]] on ABC's ''[[w:Good Morning America|Good Morning America]]'' (17 March 2011); also in {{citation |date=2011-03-17 |author=Neil King Jr. |title=Trump on 2012: ‘Part of Beauty of Me Is I'm Very Rich’ |periodical=Washington Wire |publisher=Wall Street Journal |url=http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2011/03/17/trump-on-2012-part-of-beauty-of-me-is-im-very-rich/}} * They asked [[John McCain]] for his [[w:Birth certificate|birth certificate]]. They've asked others for their birth certificate. They asked Bush for his birth certificate, by the way. I just found out over the weekend. And they would ask me for my birth certificate and by the way, it's sitting on the top of my desk. They give you a certificate of live birth, which anybody can get, just walk into the hospital, and you get a certificate of live birth. It's not even signed by people. Now, this guy either has a birth certificate or he doesn't. And I didn't think this was such a big deal, but I will tell you, it's turning out to be a very big deal because people now are calling me from all over saying, please don't give up on this issue. If you weren't born in this country, [[w:Natural-born-citizen clause|you cannot be president]]. ** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation |title=Fox & Friends |medium=Television |publisher=Fox News |date=2011-03-28}} ** {{citation |title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, "I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not <nowiki>[Obama]</nowiki> Was Born In This Country" |journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]] |date=2011-03-28 |url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006 |accessdate=2011-03-30}} * So he could have come into the country, and they did it for social reasons they put it in! They did it for whatever reason. There are a lot of reasons you could have put an ad in. But he could have been born outside of this country. Why can't he produce a birth certificate and by the way, there is one story that his family doesn't even know what hospital he was born in! ** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation |title=Fox & Friends |medium=Television |publisher=Fox News |date=2011-03-28}} ** {{citation |title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, "I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not <nowiki>[Obama]</nowiki> Was Born In This Country" |journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]] |date=2011-03-28 |url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006 |accessdate=2011-03-30}} * I start off every time I talk about [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories#Campaigners and proponents|the birthers]], I start off by saying, and it's very interesting, I was a great student at the best college in the country. You know? I want to let people know. I'm a smart guy. Because what they do to the birthers, and I don't even like the term, the birthers. I think it's unfair to them. These are people that want to see a birth certificate. They want to know that the president was born here! ** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation |title=Fox & Friends |medium=Television |publisher=Fox News |date=2011-03-28}} ** {{citation |title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, "I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not <nowiki>[Obama]</nowiki> Was Born In This Country" |journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]] |date=2011-03-28 |url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006 |accessdate=2011-03-30}} * Because if you're not born in the United States, you cannot be president. And, there is a real question. And if this birth certificate exists, you know what I get a kick out of? [[w:Neil Abercrombie|The Governor of Hawaii]] says, "I remember when he was born 50 years ago." I doubt it. I think this guy should be investigated. I doubt it. He remembers when [[w:Early life and career of Barack Obama#Childhood years|Obama was born]]? Give me a break! He's just trying to do something for [[Democratic Party (United States)|his party]]. The fact is, if you're not born in the United States, you cannot be president. He is having a hard time — he spent millions of dollars trying to get away from this issue, millions of dollars in legal fees trying to get away from this issue. And I'll tell you what, I brought it up just routinely and all of a sudden, a lot of facts are emerging, and I'm starting to wonder myself whether or not he was born in this country. ** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation |title=Fox & Friends |medium=Television |publisher=Fox News |date=2011-03-28}} ** {{citation |title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, "I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not <nowiki>[Obama]</nowiki> Was Born In This Country" |journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]] |date=2011-03-28 |url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006 |accessdate=2011-03-30}} * '''Donald Trump''': Meredith, he spent two million dollars in legal fees trying to get away from this issue. And if he weren't lying, why wouldn't he just solve it? And I wish he would, because if he doesn't, it's one of the greatest scams in the history of [[politics]], and in the history period. You are not allowed to be a president if you're not born in this country. He may not be born in this country. And I'll tell you what, three weeks ago I thought he was born in this country. Right now, I have some real doubts. I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.<br>'''Meredith Vieira''': You have people now, down there searching—<br>'''Trump''': Absolutely.<br>'''Vieira''': I mean, in [[Hawaii]]?<br>'''Trump''': Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they're finding. I would like to have him show his birth certificate, and can I be honest with you, I hope he can. Because if he can't, if he can't, if he wasn't born in this country, which is a ''real'' possibility, I'm not saying it hap— I'm saying it's a ''real'' possibility, much greater than I thought two or three weeks ago, then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics. And beyond politics. **{{citation |title=Today |date=2011-04-07 |publisher=NBC |medium=Television}} ** regarding Barack Obama ** Two million dollars is the sum of all the Obama presidential campaign's post-election legal expenses.[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2011/apr/12/donald-trump/donald-trump-claims-obama-has-spent-2-million-lega/] * '''[[w:David Brody (journalist)|David Brody]]''': [[Radical Islam]]: to [[Evangelicalism in the United States|Evangelicals]], this is a bread and butter issue. You said there's a [[Islam in the United States|Muslim problem]] in this country. What do you mean by that exactly? <br> '''Donald Trump''': [[Bill O'Reilly (commentator)|Bill O'Reilly]] asked me is there a Muslim problem? And I said absolutely, yes. In fact I went a step further. I said I didn't see [[Swedes|Swedish people]] [[September 11 attacks|knocking down the World Trade Center]]. It was very interesting. I thought that was going to be a controversial statement and somebody, I think it was [[Dennis Miller]] introduced me, he was doing like an analysis of me, he said, I love it. The guy said what the truth is. He didn't mince his words. He didn't say, 'Oh, gee, no there's not a Muslim problem, everybody's wonderful.' And by the way, many, many, most Muslims are wonderful people, but is there a Muslim problem? Look what's happening. Look what happened right here in my city with the World Trade Center and lots of other places. So I said it and I thought it was going to be very controversial but actually it was very well received. I think people want the truth. I think they're tired of politicians. They're tired of [[politically correct]] stuff. I mean I could have said, 'Oh absolutely not Bill, there's no Muslim problem, everything is wonderful, just forget about the World Trade Center.' But you have to speak the truth. We're so politically correct that this country is falling apart. <br>'''Brody''': With some evangelicals there are some problems with the teachings of the [[Koran]]. Do you have concerns about the Koran? <br> '''Trump''': Well, I'll tell you what. The Koran is very interesting. A lot of people say it [[w:Religious views on love#Islam|teaches love]] and there is a very big group of people who really understand the Koran far better than I do. I'm certainly not an expert, to put it mildly. But there's something there that teaches some very negative vibe. I mean things are happening, when you look at people blowing up all over the streets that are in some of the countries over in the [[Middle East]], just blowing up a super market with not even soldiers, just people, when 250 people die in a super market that are shopping, where people die in a store or in a street. There's a lot of hatred there that's some place. Now I don't know if that's from the Koran. I don't know if that's from some place else. But there's tremendous hatred out there that I've never seen anything like it. So, you have two views. You have the view that the Koran is all about love and then you have the view that the Koran is, that there's a lot of [[w:Violence in the Quran|hate in the Koran]]. ** On [[w:CBN News|CBN News]]' "The Brody File" (12 April 2011) ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWzDAvemJG8 video]) ([http://blogs.cbn.com/thebrodyfile/archive/2011/04/12/brody-file-exclusive-donald-trump-says-something-in-koran-teaches.aspx transcript]) * I look very much forward to showing my financials. Because they are huge. ** {{citation |first=Michael |last=Scherer |title=In the presence of Donald Trump |date=2011-04-11 |journal=Time |url=http://swampland.time.com/2011/04/14/in-the-presence-of-donald-trump/ |accessdate=2019-10-28}} * I heard he was a terrible student, terrible. How does a bad student go to Columbia and then [[w:Early life and career of Barack Obama#Harvard Law School|to Harvard]]? I'm thinking about it, I'm certainly looking into it. Let him show his records. ** Associated Press interview, 2011-04-25 ** {{citation |first=Lucy |last=Madison |title=Trump: How did Obama get into the Ivy League? |date=2011-04-25 |journal=CBS News |url=http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20057214-503544.html |accessdate=2011-05-01|archiveurl=https://archive.is/dnCsg|archivedate=2013-06-28}} ** About [[w:Barack Obama#Education|Barack Obama's education]], who graduated from {{w|Columbia University}} in 1983 and graduated ''magna cum laude'' with a {{w|Juris doctorate}} from Harvard Law School in 1991 * Today I'm very [[proud]] of myself, because I've accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish. I was just informed, while on the helicopter, that our president has finally released a birth certificate. I want to look at it, but I hope it's true, so that we can get on to much more important matters, so the press can stop asking me questions. He should have done it a long time ago. Why he didn't do it when the Clintons asked for it, why he didn't do it when everyone else was asking for it, I don't know. But I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully getting rid of this issue. Now, we have to look at it, we have to see, is it real? Is it proper? What's on it? But I hope it checks out beautifully. I am really proud, I am really honored. ** press conference, 2011-04-27 ** {{citation |title=Trump Questions Obama Birth Certificate |date=2011-04-27 |journal=TMZ |url=http://www.tmz.com/2011/04/27/donald-trump-barack-obama-birth-certificate-comment-quote/ |accessdate=2011-05-01}} ** Regarding the release of Barack Obama's full birth record from Hawaii that morning * The word is, according to what I've have read, is that he was a terrible student when he went to [[w:Occidental College|Occidental]]. He then gets to [[w:Columbia_University|Columbia]] and then gets to [[Harvard University|Harvard]]. I heard at Columbia he was not a very good student, and then he then he gets into Harvard. How do you get into Harvard if you are not a good student? Maybe that's right, maybe that's wrong, but I don't know why he doesn't he release his records. Why doesn't he release his Occidental records? ** press conference, New Hampshire, 2011-04-27 ** {{citation |title=Schieffer: Racism underlying Trump's assertions |date=2011-04-27 |journal=CBS News |url=http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20058072-503544.html |accessdate=2011-05-01|archiveurl=https://archive.is/ryIny|archivedate=2013-06-28}} ** About [[Barack Obama]], who transferred to Columbia from Occidental College in 1981, graduated from Columbia in 1983, and graduated ''magna cum laude'' with a Juris doctorate from Harvard Law School in 1991 * It's like in [[golf]]. A lot of people — I don't want this to sound trivial — but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It's weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can't sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a [[Traditionalistic|traditionalist]]. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be [[Homosexuality|gay]], but I am a traditionalist. **{{citation |title=After Roasting, Trump Reacts In Character |date=2011-05-01 |journal=New York Times |first=Michael |last=Barbaro |url=http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/02/nyregion/after-roasting-trump-reacts-in-character.html |accessdate=2011-05-06}} ** on his opposition to [[same-sex marriage]] * I know the [[Chinese people|Chinese]]. I've made a lot of money with the Chinese. I understand the Chinese mind. ** As quoted in {{citation |date=2011-05-03 |author=Tony Pierce |title=Donald Trump has read a lot of books on China: 'I understand the Chinese mind' |periodical=Los Angeles Times |url=http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2011/05/donald-trump-i-understand-the-chinese-mind.html}}, and in {{citation |date=2015-08-24 |author=John Mauldin |title=Playing the Chinese Trump Card |periodical=Forbes |url=http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnmauldin/2015/08/24/playing-the-chinese-trump-card/}} * I dealt with [[Muammar Gaddafi|Gaddafi]]. I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn't let him use the land. That's what we should be doing. I don't want to use the word 'screwed,' but I screwed him. That's what we should be doing. ** As quoted in {{citation |date=2015-07-22 |title=Donald Trump: In his own colourful words |periodical=BBC News |url=http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33619045}} * She's a slob, she talks like a truck driver. * If I were running my business, I'd fire Rosie, I mean, I'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers and say, "Rosie, you're fired." ** On an interview on why he hates [[Rosie O'Donnell]] (28 August 2011) *[[Barney Frank]] looked disgusting--nipples protruding--in his blue shirt before Congress. Very very disrespectful. * Twitter, quoted by the [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/12/08/donald-trump-has-called-37-things-disgusting-on-twitter/ Washington Post] (20 December 2011) * Our president will start a war with [[Iran]] because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate. He is weak and he is ineffective. So the only way he figures he is going to be reelected and as sure as you are sitting there, is to start a war with Iran. ** A now-deleted video on his YouTube video blog. {{citation |date=2020-01-03 |title=Trump repeatedly claimed in 2011 and 2012 that Obama would start a war with Iran to win reelection |author=Andrew Kaczynski |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/01/03/politics/kfile-trump-obama-2012-iran-war-reelection/index.html}} ===2012=== * [[Mitt Romney|Mitt]] is tough. He is smart. He is sharp. He is not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country that we all love. So Gov. Romney, go out and get em. You can do it. ** Quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-02-02 | url = http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57370443-503544/trump-endorses-mitt-romney-for-president/ | author = Corbett B. Daly | title = Trump endorses Mitt Romney for president | periodical = CBS News }} * No, I've never ''really'' changed. Nothing's ''changed'' my ''mind''. And by the way, you know, you have a huge group of people — I walk down the street, and people are screaming, "Please don't give that up." A lot of people are questioning his birth certificate. They're questioning the authenticity of his birth certificate. I've been known as being a very smart guy for a long time. I don't consider myself birther or not birther, but there are some major questions here and the press doesn't wanna cover it. The press just refuses to cover it. Now if that were somebody else, they would be covering it, and they'd be throwing people out of office. But they don't want to cover it. So it's interesting. ** {{citation | title = Telephone interview | publisher = CNBC | date = 2012-05-29 }}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-05-29 | title = Donald Trump Goes On Epic Birther Rant | newspaper = {{w|The Huffington Post}} | author = Melissa Jeltsen | url = http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/29/donald-trump-romney-obama-birther_n_1553074.html }} * '''Wolf Blitzer:''' Donald, you're beginning to sound a little ridiculous, I have to tell you.<br>'''Donald Trump:''' No I think you are, Wolf. Now let me tell you something, I think ''you'' sound ridiculous, and if you'd ask me a question and let me answer it —<br>'''Blitzer:''' Here's the question, did the conspiracy start in 1961 where the [[w:Honolulu Star-Bulletin|''Honolulu Star-Bulletin'']] and the [[w:Honolulu Advertiser|''Honolulu Advertiser'']] contemporaneously published announcements that he was born in [[Hawaii]]?<br>'''Trump:''' That's right. That's right. And many people put those announcements in because they wanted to get the benefit because of getting so-called born in this country. Many people did it. It was something that was done by many people even though they weren't born in the country. You know and so do I... And so do a lot of your viewers. Although you don't have too many viewers. * '''Donald Trump''' (clip): I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.<br>'''Meredith Vieira''' (clip): You have people now, down there searching—<br>'''Trump''' (clip): Absolutely.<br>'''Vieira''' (clip): I mean, in Hawaii?<br>'''Trump''' (clip): Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they're finding.<br>'''Wolf Blitzer''': All right, tell us what your people who were investigating in Hawaii, what they found.<br>'''Trump''': Oh, we don't have to go into old news. That's ''old'' news.<br>'''Blitzer''': Well, what did they find?<br>'''Trump''': There's been plenty found. You can call many people. You can read many, many articles on the authenticity of the certificate. You can read many articles from just recently as to what the publisher printed in a brochure as to what Obama told him, as to where his place of birth is. And that's fine, Wolf.<br>Now, it's appropriate, I think, that we get to the subject of hand, which is — at hand, which is jobs, which is [[Economy of the United States|the economy]], which is how our country is not doing well at all under this leadership, which is how are we going to do something about energy, which is really that things that I wanted to talk to you about, but you like to keep going back to the place of birth. ** {{citation | title = The Situation Room | publisher = CNN | date = 2012-05-29 }}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-05-29 | title = Wolf Blitzer Spars With Donald Trump Over Obama's Birth Certificate | author = Elizabeth Flock | newspaper = US News & World Report | url = http://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/washington-whispers/2012/05/29/wolf-blitzer-spars-with-donald-trump-over-obamas-birth-certificate }} ** Referring to a 1991 promotional booklet by literary agency Acton & Dystel with bios of 89 authors, that erroneously described Barack Obama as "born in Kenya".[http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/birthers/booklet.asp] * He [Obama] lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a [[revolution]] in this country! * The phoney [sic] electoral college made a laughing stock out of our nation. The loser one! * More votes equals a loss... revolution! * This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy! * The [[w:United_States_Electoral_College|electoral college]] is a disaster for a democracy. ** Tweets on November 6 and 7, 2012, some of which were later deleted. Trump falsely believed Barack Obama had lost the popular vote. [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/11/15/trumps-flip-flop-on-the-electoral-college-from-disaster-to-genius/ Trump’s flip-flop on the electoral college: From ‘disaster’ to ‘genius’] * [[Republicans]] didn't have anything going for them with respect to {{w|Latinos}} and with respect to [[Asian people|Asians]]... The [[Democrats]] didn't have a policy for dealing with illegal immigrants, but what they did have going for them is they weren't mean-spirited about it... They didn't know what the policy was, but what they were is they were kind... He had a crazy policy of self deportation which was maniacal... It sounded as bad as it was, and he lost all of the Latino vote... He lost the Asian vote. He lost everybody who is inspired to come into this country... Take care of this incredible problem that we have with respect to [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]], with respect to people wanting to be wonderful productive citizens of this country. ** Interview with Newsmax (November 2012), quoted in {{citation|date=2015-07-10|author=Jim Geraghty|title=Trump 2008: Bush Is Evil, Talk to Iran, Obama Cannot Do Worse Than Bush|periodical=National Review|url=http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/420996/trump-2008-bush-evil-talk-iran-obama-cannot-do-worse-bush-jim-geraghty}} *[climate change was] "created by and for the Chinese in order to make US manufacturing non-competitive" ** said in 2012 according to [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-51213003 What does Trump actually believe on climate change?] *"It doesn't matter who you vote for--it matters who is counting the votes." Be careful of voter fraud!. Oct 10 2012 [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/256063573669855232] ===2013=== * Must be a pretty picture you dropping to your knees. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7NDpHfXTCI " to Brande Roderick, From The Apprentice, Season 6, Episode 1"] (3 March 2013) <!-- ''YouTube'' --> * I keep asking, how long will we go on defending [[South Korea]] from [[North Korea]] without payment? South Korea is a very very rich country. They're rich because of us. They sell us [[Television|televisions]], they sell us cars. They sell us everything. They are making a fortune. We have a huge deficit with South Korea. They're friends of mine. I do deals with them. I've been partners with them, no problem. But they think we're stupid. They can't believe it. We are defending them against North Korea, we're doing it for nothing. We're not in that position. When will they start to pay us for this defense? Isn't it really ridiculous when you think of it? They make a fortune on the United States and then they got some problems, and what happens? They call the United States to defend them, and we get nothing? **[https://www.youtube.com/watch/?v=agk9ZCrYol4 "From the Desk of Donald Trump: South Korea"] ''[[w:YouTube|YouTube]]'' (10 April 2013) * I’m a very compassionate person (with a very high [[Intelligence quotient|IQ]]) with strong common sense. ** "[https://edition.cnn.com/2017/10/10/politics/donald-trump-tillerson-iq/index.html Donald Trump's IQ obsession, in 22 quotes]" (April 21, 2021) * I do have a relationship and I can tell you that he's very interested in what we're doing here today, he's probably very interested in what you and I are saying today, and I'm sure he is going to be seeing it in some form. But I do have a relationship with him, and I think, er, it's very interesting to see what's happened. I mean, look, he's done a very brilliant job in terms of what he represents and who he's representing, if you look at what he's done with Syria, if you look at so many of the different things, he has really eaten our president's lunch, let's not kid ourselves. ** [http://www.msnbc.com/thomas-roberts/watch/trump-discusses-putin-in-2013-734124099973 Trump responding to a question about whether he had a relationship with Vladimir Putin during an interview with MSNBC's Thomas Roberts while visiting Moscow for the Miss Universe competition] (November 2013) ===2014=== *Healthy young child goes to doctor, gets pumped with massive shot of many vaccines, doesn't feel good and changes - AUTISM. Many such cases! **Twitter, [https://x.com/realDonaldTrump/status/449525268529815552?lang=en 28 March 2014] * If this doctor, who so recklessly flew into New York from West Africa, has Ebola,then Obama should apologize to the American people & resign! ** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-obama-ebola-tweet/ Snopes fact check: Did Trump Call for Obama to Resign After Ebola Doctor Returned to U.S.? (23 Oct)] ===2015=== ====May 2015==== * There is a way of beating [[Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant|ISIS]] so easily, so quickly, so effectively, and it would be so nice...I know a way that would absolutely give us guaranteed victory...the problem is then everybody will take the idea, run with it and then people will forget where it came from...'''I ran it past two or three people. [It's] so simple. It's like the paper clip.''' ** On his plan to defeat ISIS (May 2015) ====June 2015==== =====[[wikipedia:Donald Trump presidential campaign, 2016#Announcement|Presidential bid announcement]] (June 16, 2015)===== :<small>[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-announcing-candidacy-for-president-new-york-city "Remarks Announcing Candidacy for President in New York City"], ''{{w|The American Presidency Project}}''</small> [[File:Donald_Trump_crop_2016.jpeg|thumb|Sadly, the [[American dream]] is dead. But if I get elected president, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will [[w:Make America Great Again|make America great again]].]] * They all said, a lot of the pundits on television, "Well, Donald will never run, and one of the main reasons is he's private and he's probably not as successful as everybody thinks." So I said to myself, you know, nobody's ever going to know unless I run, because I'm really proud of my success. * Our country is in serious trouble. We don't have victories anymore. ... When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let's say, China in a trade deal? They kill us. ... When did we beat Japan at anything? They send their cars over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a [[Chevrolet]] in Tokyo? ... When do we beat Mexico at the border? '''They're laughing at us, at our stupidity.''' ... The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else's problems. * '''When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best.''' They're not sending you. They're not sending you. They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. But I speak to [[wikipedia:United States Border Patrol|border guards]] and they tell us what we're getting. ... They're sending us not the right people. It's coming from more than Mexico. It's coming from all over South and Latin America, and it's coming probably – probably – from the Middle East. But we don't know. Because we have no protection and we have no competence, we don't know what's happening. And it's got to stop and it's got to stop fast. * I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall. * Sadly, the American dream is dead. But if I get elected president, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again. ====July 2015==== * '''Donald Trump''': Oh, well, if you look at the statistics, of people coming— I didn't say about Mexic— I say the ''[[illegal immigrants]]''— if you look at the statistics on [[rape]], on [[crime]], on everything, coming in illegally into this country, they're mind-boggling. If you go to [[w:Fusion News|Fusion]], you will see a story about 80% of the women coming in– I mean, you have to take a look at these stories. And you know who owns Fusion? [[w:Univision|Univision]]. It was in ''[[w:The Huffington Post|The Huffington Post]]''. I said, let me get some of these articles because I've heard some horrible things. I deal<!--sic--> a lot of talking with people on the border patrol. They're incredible people. They help our country.<br>'''Don Lemon''': But I want some clarification–<br>'''Trump''': No, but Don, all you have to do is go to Fusion and pick up the stories on ''rape'', and it's unbelievable when you look at what's going on. So all I'm doing is telling the truth.<br>'''Lemon''': I've read ''The Washington Post'', I read the Fusion, I read ''The Huffington Post''. And that's about women ''being'' raped, it's not about criminals coming across the border entering the country.<br>'''Trump''': Somebody's doing the raping, Don, I mean, you know– I mean, somebody's doing it. You think it's women being raped, well who's doing the raping? Who's doing the raping? I mean how can you say such a thing. So, the problem is you have to stop illegal immigration coming across the border. You have to create a strong border. If you don't, we don't have a country. **{{citation | date = 2015-07-01 | title = The Situation Room | medium = TV | publisher = CNN | url = http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/01/politics/donald-trump-immigrants-raping-comments/ }} [[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_2.jpg|thumb|I can't apologize for the truth.]] * '''I can never apologize for the truth. I don't mind apologizing for things but I can't apologize for the truth.''' ** {{citation | date = 2015-07-02 | title = TRUMP: 'I use the word rape and all of a sudden everyone goes crazy' | author = | newspaper = finance.yahoo.com | url = https://finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-word-rape-sudden-everyone-172614480.html }} *The Obama Administration's agreement with Iran is very dangerous. Iran developing a nuclear weapon, either through uranium or nuclear fuel, and defying the world is still a very real possibility. The inspections will not be followed, and Iran will no longer have any sanctions. Iran gets everything and loses nothing. Every promise the Obama Administration made in the beginning of negotiations, including the vow (made at the beginning of the negotiations) to get our great American prisoners returned to the U. S. has been broken. This is a bad deal that sets a dangerous precedent. This deal sets off a nuclear arms race in the Middle East, which is the most-unstable region in the world. It is a horrible and perhaps catastrophic event for [[Israel]]. Furthermore, we should have kept the billions of dollars we have agreed to pay them. Any great dealmaker would know this is a perfect example of "tapping along" and because they have been unchecked for so long throughout this extremely lengthy process, I guarantee they are much closer to producing a nuclear weapon than they were at the start of negotiations. The fact is, the US has incompetent leaders and even more incompetent negotiators. We must do better for America and the world. We have to [[Make America Great Again]]. **[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/statement-donald-j-trump-the-iran-agreement Statement by Donald J. Trump on the Iran Agreement], ''American Presidency Project'', 14 July 2015 * And I had an idea recently. When they send illegals into our country, we charge Mexico $100,000 for every illegal that crosses that border because it's trouble. ** {{citation | date = 2015-07-15 | title = Fox News "Hannity"- Transcript: Trump On El Chappo And Undocumented Immigration | author = | newspaper = Fox News | url = https://votesmart.org/public-statement/1113598/fox-news-hannity-transcript-trump-on-el-chappo-and-undocumented-immigration#.XxcUdZMzbOQ }} * '''Donald Trump:''' 15,000 people showed up to hear me speak. Bigger than anybody and everybody knows it. A beautiful day with incredible people that were wonderful, great Americans, I will tell you. [[John McCain]] goes, "Oh, boy, Trump makes my job difficult. He had 15,000 ''crazies'' show up." Crazies. He called them all crazy. I said, they weren't crazy. They were great Americans. These people— if you would have seen these people— you— I know what a crazy is. I know all about crazies. These weren't crazy. So he insulted me and he insulted everybody in that room...<br>'''Frank Luntz:''' He's a war hero.<br>'''Donald Trump:''' He's not a war hero.<br>'''Luntz:''' He's a war hero.<br>'''Trump:''' He is a war hero—<br>'''Luntz:''' Five and a half years in a POW camp.<br>'''Trump:''' He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, OK? I hate to tell you.<br>'''Luntz:''' Do you agree with that?<br>'''Trump:''' He's a war hero. He's a war hero because he was captured, OK? You can have— and I believe— perhaps he's a war hero, but— but right now he said some very bad things about a lot of people. ** Family Leadership Summit 2015, quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-07-18 | title = Donald Trump tells John McCain: 'I like people who weren't captured' | author = Harriet Alexander | newspaper = The Telegraph | url = http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/republicans/11748859/Donald-Trump-tells-John-McCain-I-like-people-who-werent-captured.html }} * Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and [[Scientists|scientist]] and [[Engineering|engineer]], Dr. John Trump at [[Massachusetts Institute of Technology|MIT]]; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the [[w:Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania|Wharton School of Finance]], very good, very smart—you know, if you're a [[Conservatism|conservative]] Republican, if I were a [[Liberalism|liberal]], if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it's true!—but when you're a conservative Republican they try—oh, do they do a number—that's why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we're a little disadvantaged—but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it's not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35&nbsp;years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right—who would have thought?), but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it's four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven't figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it's gonna take them about another 150&nbsp;years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us. ** {{citation | date = 2015-07-21 | title = Speech in Sun City, South Carolina | author = | newspaper = Slate | url = http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2015/07/31/donald_trump_this_run_on_sentence_from_a_speech_in_sun_city_south_carolina.html }} * If you can't get rich dealing with politicians, there's something wrong with you. ** [http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2015/07/donald-trump-campaign-speech-lindsey-graham Campaign Rally in South Carolina] ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImhJ2sFBJmA YouTube]<!--[Has to add exactly minute and second in this video]--> * I'm a Republican, I'm a conservative, I'm in first place, I want to run as a Republican and I think I'll get the nomination... [<nowiki/>[[Hillary Clinton]]] is easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of the country. She's going to be beaten and I'm the one to beat her. ** {{citation | date = 2015-07-23 | title = Donald Trump tours Mexican border with Texas | author = | newspaper = BBC | url = http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33645971 }} * '''Jose Diaz-Balart:''' Mr. Trump, you know 53,000 [[w:Hispanic-American|Hispanics]] turn 18 years of age in this country every month, born in the country of voting age. 54 million plus Hispanics — many feel that what you said when you said that the people who cross the border are rapists and murderers—<br>'''Donald Trump:''' No, no, no! We're talking about [[w:Illegal immigration in the United States|illegal immigration]] and everybody understands that. And you know what? That's a typical case. That's a typical case of the press with misinterpretation. They take a half a sentence, they take a half a sentence, then they take quarter of a sentence and put it all together. It's a typical thing...<br>'''Diaz-Balart:''' I'm not finished with my question.<br>'''Trump:''' No, no! You're finished! **{{citation | date = 2015-07-23 | title = Crowd Erupts in Applause at How Donald Trump Handles MSNBC Host at Presser: 'You're Finished!' | author = Oliver Darcy | newspaper = TheBlaze | url = http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2015/07/23/crowd-erupts-in-applause-at-how-donald-trump-handles-msnbc-host-at-presser-youre-finished/ }} * I think that I would be a great uniter. I think that I would have great diplomatic skills. I think that I would be able to get along with people very well. I've had a great success in my life. I think the world would unite if I were the leader of the United States. ** {{citation | date = 2015-07-30 | title = Trump: 'World would unite if I were the leader' | author = Jesse Byrnes | newspaper = The Hill | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/249875-trump-world-would-unite-if-i-were-the-leader }} ====August 2015==== [[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_3.jpg|thumb|I do whine because I want to win and I’m not happy about not winning and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win.]] * I think the big problem this country has is being [[Political correctness|politically correct]]. ** Republican Presidential Debate 2015 — {{citation | date = 2015-08-06 | title = Annotated transcript: The Aug. 6 GOP debate | author = | newspaper = The Washington Post | url = https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2015/08/06/annotated-transcript-the-aug-6-gop-debate/ }} * You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever. ** [http://edition.cnn.com/2015/08/08/politics/donald-trump-cnn-megyn-kelly-comment/ On Megyn Kelly] (7 August 2015) * I cherish women. I want to help women. I'm going to do things for women that no other candidate will be able to do. ** {{citation | date = 2015-08-09 | title = 12 times Donald Trump declared his 'respect' for women | author = Gregoy Krieg | newspaper = CNN | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2016/10/07/politics/donald-trump-respect-women/index.html }} * I will be phenomenal to the women. I mean, I want to help women. ** ''Face the Nation'', 9 August 2015 *I think there has to be a trust. There actually has to be a trust. If you don't trust, you're not going to do very well. **In response to a reporter's line of questioning on what his specific plans will be to achieve the goals of his campaign. [http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/melanie-hunter/trump-specifics-his-proposals-trust-me "Trump on Specifics of His Proposals: ‘Trust Me'"] (12 August 2015), by Melanie Hunter * We have to keep the families together, but they have to go. What if they have no place to go? ** During the [[w:Iowa State Fair|Iowa State Fair]] (2015 August 15) * You know, when you put out policy, like a 14-point plan? A lot of times in the first hour of negotiation, that 14-point plan goes astray, but you may end up with a better deal. That's the way it works. That's the way really life works. When I do a deal, I don't say, "Oh, here's 14 points." I got out and do it. I don't sit down and talk about 14 points. ** Appearance at Iowa State Fair - {{citation | date = 2015-08-15 | title = Donald Trump's surprisingly savvy analysis of American politics | author = | newspaper = The Washington Post | url= http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/08/16/donald-trumps-surprisingly-savvy-comment-about-american-politics/ }} {{Paywalled source}} *What's the difference between a wet raccoon and Donald J. Trump's hair? A wet raccoon doesn't have seven billion fucking dollars in the bank. **20 August 2015 roast on Comedy Central [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-roast-364701 transcribed by Newsweek] * Hillary Clinton was the worst [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] in the history of the country. The world came apart under her reign... I will be the one to beat Hillary.<br>If you start adding it up, our real unemployment rate is 42%. ** {{citation | date = 2015-08-20 | title = Donald Trump Explains All | author = | newspaper = Time | url = http://time.com/4003734/donald-trump-interview-transcript/ }}. For a discussion of this figure, see [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/11/upshot/the-real-jobless-rate-is-42-percent-donald-trump-has-a-point-sort-of.html "The Real Jobless Rate Is 42 Percent? Donald Trump Has a Point, Sort Of"] by Neil Irwin, ''The New York Times'' (10 February 2016). * You've seen my statements, I do very well, I don't mind paying some taxes. The [[w:Middle class|middle class]] is getting clobbered in this country. You know the middle class built this country, not the hedge fund guys, but I know people in hedge funds that pay almost nothing and it's ridiculous. ** Interview on [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]]'s ''With All Due Respect'' — {{citation | date = 2015-08-26 | title = Donald Trump Says He Wants to Raise Taxes on Himself | author = David Knowles | newspaper = Bloomberg | url = http://www.bloomberg.com/politics/articles/2015-08-26/donald-trump-says-he-wants-to-raise-taxes-on-himself }} * I do whine because I want to win and I’m not happy about not winning and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win. ** Interview with [[w:Chris Cuomo|Chris Cuomo]]{{citation | date = 2015-08-11 | title = Donald Trump: ‘I keep whining and whining until I win’ | author = Jeremy Diamond | newspaper = CNN | url = https://www.cnn.com/2015/08/11/politics/donald-trump-refutes-third-party-run-report/index.html}} ====September 2015==== * We're a nation that speaks English. I think that, while we're in this nation, we should be speaking English... that's how we assimilate. ** {{citation | date = 2015-09-03 | title = Donald Trump: "While We're in This Nation, We Should Be Speaking English" | newspaper = The Hollywood Reporter | url = http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/donald-trump-speak-english-spanish-820215 }} * "''Look'' at that face! [of [[Carly Fiorina]]] Would anyone ''vote'' for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next ''president''?!" ** {{citation | date = 2015-09-09 | title = Trump Seriously: On the Trail With the GOP's Tough Guy | newspaper = Rolling Stone | url = http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/trump-seriously-20150909 }} * The fact is all lives matter. That includes black, and it includes white, and it includes everybody else. And we have... Democrats that are afraid to even say that. ** As quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-09-09 | title = Donald Trump trashes Black Lives Matter: 'I think they're trouble' | author = Colin Campbell | newspaper = Business Insider | url = http://uk.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-black-lives-matter-2015-9?r=US&IR=T }} * This is a country where we speak English, not Spanish. ** Criticizing Jeb Bush for speaking Spanish on the campaign trail during a Republican Presidential Debate on CNN (16 September 2015) * '''Audience member''': We have a problem in this country, it's called Muslims. Our current President is one. We know he's not even an American. We have training camps growing where they want to kill us. That's my question, when can we get rid of them? <br>'''Donald Trump''': We're going to be looking at a lot of different things. A lot of people are saying that and a lot of people are saying that bad things are happening out there. We're going to be looking at that and a lot of different things. ** At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire — as quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-09-17 | title = Here's How Donald Trump Responded to a Person Saying President Obama is Muslim | author = Maya Rhodan | newspaper = Time | url = http://time.com/4039658/trump-obama-muslim/ }} * Am I morally obligated to defend the president every time somebody says something bad or controversial about him? I don't think so! * This is the first time in my life that I have caused controversy by NOT saying something. ** Tweets — quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-09-20 | title = Trump defend Obama? 'I don't think so!' | author = Doina Chiacu | newspaper = Reuters | url = http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/09/20/us-usa-election-trump-idUSKCN0RJ0KT20150920 }} * You can be politically correct if you want, but are you trying to say we don't have a problem? ... Most Muslims, like most everything, I mean, these are fabulous people... But we certainly do have a problem, I mean, you have a problem throughout the world. ... It wasn't people from Sweden that blew up the World Trade Center. ** On CNN's "State of the Union" with Jake Tapper — as quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-09-20 | title = Trump: 'We certainly do have a problem' with some Muslims | author = Timothy Cama | newspaper = The Hill | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/254307-trump-we-certainly-do-have-a-problem-with-some-muslims }} * The first thing I'd do in my first day as president is close up our borders so that illegal immigrants cannot come into our country. ** Twitter question and answer session from Twitter's New York office — as quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-09-21 | title = Trump: I'll close US borders 'in my first day' | author = Jesse Byrnes | newspaper = The Hill | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/254391-trump-ill-close-us-borders-in-my-first-day }} * You ever see guys with nothing on their desk? They always fail. I don't know what it is. I've seen it for years. ** Explaining his messy desk, ''The New York Times Magazine'' interview. {{citation | date=2015-09-21 | title=Donald Trump is not going anywhere | author = Mark Leibovich | newspaper = The New York Times Magazine | url = http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/04/magazine/donald-trump-is-not-going-anywhere.html }} * Why aren't we letting ISIS go and fight Assad and then we pick up the remnants? ** [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-60-minutes-scott-pelley/ Interview in ''60 Minutes''], 2015-09-27 ** Cited by [[Mitt Romney]] in [http://uk.businessinsider.com/mitt-romney-donald-trump-isis-60-minutes-ridiculous-2016-3?r=US&IR=T ''Business Insider''], 2016-03-03 * I will tell you in terms of leadership he is getting an 'A,' and our president is not doing so well. They did not look good together. ** {{citation |date=2015-09-30 |author=Reena Flores |title=Donald Trump gives Russia's Putin an 'A' in leadership |periodical=CBS News |url=https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-gives-russias-putin-an-a-in-leadership/}} ====October 2015==== *All my friends who work out all the time, they’re going for knee replacements, hip replacements — they’re a disaster **4 October 2015 interview with [https://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/04/magazine/donald-trump-is-not-going-anywhere.html New York Times] * I've always said, if you run for president, you shouldn't be allowed to use teleprompters. Because you don't even know if the guy is smart. ** Norcross, Georgia, {{#formatdate:2015-10-10}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-07-21 |title=Teleprompter Trump: the right temperament or low-energy Donald? |author=Joe Concha |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/blogs/pundits-blog/presidential-campaign/288626-teleprompter-trump-the-right-temperament-or-low}} * He was such a nice guy. And he said, Oh, I'm never going to attack. But then his poll numbers tanked. He's got -- that's why he's on the end -- and he got nasty. And he got nasty. So you know what? You can have him. ** Response to [[John Kasich]] {{citation | date=2015-10-28 |title= CNBC Republican debate transcript |newspaper = CNBC |url = http://www.cnbc.com/2015/10/29/cnbc-full-transcript-cnbcs-your-money-your-vote-the-republican-presidential-debate-part-2.html }} ====November 2015==== * '''Trump''': I'm Donald Trump, and I'm running for president. Our country is in deep trouble because let's face it: politics are all talk and no action. My opponents have no experience in creating jobs or making deals. The fact is, I'm going to make the greatest trade deals we've ever made in our country. And I'm going to bring jobs and money back to the United States. I'll take care of our veterans and make our military so strong that nobody will ever mess with us. I'll secure our borders, and yes, we will have a wall. You can't have a country without borders. [[w:Affordable Care Act|Obamacare]] is a great plan . It will be repealed and replaced with something much better. If the people of Iowa vote for me, you'll never be disappointed. I don't disappoint people, I produce. Together, we're going to [[w:Make America Great Again|Make America Great Again]]. I'm Donald Trump, candidate for president, and I hate this message.<br>'''Female V/O''': Paid for by Donald J. Trump for President, Inc. ** Radio ad aired in Iowa (5 November 2015) * Watch and study the [[Mosque|mosques]], because a lot of talk is going on at the mosques. ** As quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/16/politics/donald-trump-paris-attacks-close-mosques/index.html "Donald Trump: 'Strongly consider' shutting mosques"] (16 November 2015), by Gregory Krieg, ''CNN'' (2015), Atlanta, Georgia: Cable News Network. * I would certainly implement that. Absolutely... There should be a lot of systems, beyond databases. We should have a lot of systems... They have to be. They have to be... It's all about management. ** As quoted in [http://www.people.com/article/donald-trump-muslim-database-syrian-refugees "Donald Trump Says He Supports a Database and ID Cards to Track Muslims in the U.S.: 'We're Going to Have to Look at the Mosques'"] (20 November 2015), by Char Adams, ''People''. * Somebody said I’m the Ernest Hemingway of 140 characters. ** Quoted by {{citation | date=2015-11-20 |title= Trump says he’s the Hemingway of Twitter |newspaper = The Hill | author = Bradford Richardson |url = https://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/gop-primaries/260949-trump-says-hes-the-hemingway-of-twitter }} * Get him the hell out of here. ** As quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-supporters-black-lives-matter-protester-clash-at-rally/ "Trump supporters, Black Lives Matter protester clash at rally"] (21 November 2015), by Reena Flores, ''CBS News'', CBS Interactive, Inc. *I watched when the World Trade Center came tumbling down. And I watched in [[w:Jersey City, New Jersey|Jersey City, N.J.]], where thousands and thousands of people were cheering as that building was coming down. Thousands of people were cheering.<br>It was on television. I saw it. It was well covered at the time, George. Now, I know they don't like to talk about it, but it was well covered at the time. There were people over in [[New Jersey]] that were watching it, a heavy Arab population, that were cheering as the buildings came down. Not good. **21 November 2015 speech in [[w:Birmingham, Alabama|Birmingham, Alabama]], then next-day reply to [[George Stephanopoulos]], according to [https://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2015/nov/22/donald-trump/fact-checking-trumps-claim-thousands-new-jersey-ch/ 22 November 2015 PolitiFact article] * Written by a nice reporter. Now the poor guy - you ought to see the guy: ‘Uhh I don't know what I said. I don't remember!' He's going, ‘I don't remember! Maybe that's what I said.' ** As quoted in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PX9reO3QnUA&t=15 "Trump mocks reporter with disability"] (25 November 2015 by CNN) and [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/donald-trump/12019097/Donald-Trump-accused-of-mocking-disabled-reporter.html "Donald Trump accused of mocking disabled reporter"] (26 November 2015), by Rob Crilly regarding [[Serge Kovaleski]] =====''[[wikipedia:Crippled America|Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again]]'' (November 2015)===== :published 3 November 2015 * The enthusiasm was based on pure love and love of what we were doing. ** Preface, p. xiv * The fact is I give people what they need and deserve to hear - exactly what they don't get from politicians - and that is The Truth. Our country is a mess right now and we don't have time to pretend otherwise. We don't have time to waste on being politically correct. ** p. 8 * I use the media the way the media uses me—to attract attention. Once I have that attention, it's up to me to use it to my advantage. ** p. 10 * I've seen these so-called journalists flat-out lie. I say that because incompetence doesn't begin to explain the inaccurate stories they have written. ** p. 12 * Our country, our people, and our laws have to be our top priority. ** p. 30 * Citizenship is not a gift we can afford to keep giving away. ** p. 28 * I want good people to come here from all over the world, but I want them to do so legally. We can expedite the process, we can reward achievement and excellence, but we have to respect the legal process. And those people who take advantage of the system and come here illegally should never enjoy the benefits of being a resident--or citizen--of this nation. So I am against any path to citizenship for undocumented workers or anyone else who is in this country illegaly. They should--and need to--go home and get in line. ** p. 30 * Depending on the price of oil, Saudi Arabia earns somewhere between half a billion and a billion dollars every day. They wouldn't exist, let alone have that wealth, without our protection. We get nothing from them. Nothing. We defend Germany. We defend Japan. We defend South Korea. These are powerful and wealthy countries. We get nothing from them. It's time to change all that. It's time to win again. ** p. 34 * When Kuwait was attacked by Saddam Hussein, all the wealthy Kuwaitis ran to Paris. They didn't just rent suites—they took up whole buildings, entire hotels. They lived like kings while their country was occupied. Who did they turn to for help? Who else? Uncle Sucker. That's us. ** p. 34 * We can't be afraid to use our military, but sending our sons and daughters should be the very last resort. I've seen what wars do to our kids. I've seen their broken bodies, know all about the horrors that live in their heads, and the enormous effects of trauma. We cannot commit American troops to battle without a real and tangible objective. ** p. 35 * To me, for politicians to claim that we have an answer to every problem is silly. When you listen to some politicians reeling off their prepared answers, you almost fall for it. They're all experts. But nothing ever happens. ** p. 73 * I manage to blast through the ridiculous liberal bias of the media and speak right to the hearts of the people - or at least I try. ** p. 80 * It's not just jobs that are being lost to other countries. We are seeing whole industries vanish overseas. ** p. 85 * A great leader has to be flexible, holding his ground on the major principles but finding room for compromises that can bring people together. A great leader has to be savvy at negotiations so we don't drown every bill in pork barrel bridges to nowhere. I know how to stand my ground — but I also know that Republicans and Democrats need to find common ground to stand on as well. ** p. 96 * We look at politicians and think: This one's owned by this millionaire. That one's owned by that millionaire, or lobbyist, or special interest group. Me? I speak for the people. So the establishment attacks me. They can't own me, they can't dictate to me, so they search for ways to dismiss me. ** p. 97 ====December 2015==== * My policy has always been the same. We're fighting ISIS and Assad is fighting ISIS, but we're backing rebels to fight [[w:Bashar al-Assad|Assad]]. You can't fight everybody, you have to pick who you want to fight. And now you've got [[Turkey]], who like ISIS more than they like others, no one really knows because we don't have people that know what they're doing. So in my opinion, you go along, and [[Russia]] does not like ISIS, and people are starting to find out. I mean in all fairness lost an airplane, got blew out of the air. So Russia is not a fan of ISIS. Russia is bombing the hell out of them, starting to bomb them. I say isis is our number one threat. We can't be fighting everybody at the same time. ISIS is our number one threat. I would bomb the hell out of them -- I like to do one thing at a time. I would knock the hell out of ISIS. I would hit them ... so hard like they've never been hit before. ** In an interview with ''{{w|Fox & Friends}}''. [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/trump-kill-isil-families-216343] (December 2, 2015) * They're using them as shields. It's a horrible thing. They're using them as shields. But we're fighting a very politically correct war. And the other thing is with the terrorists. You have to take out their families. When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives. Don't kid yourself. But they say they don't care about their lives. You have to take out their families. ** When asked how he would deal with civilian casualties. In an interview with ''{{w|Fox & Friends}}''. [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/trump-kill-isil-families-216343] (December 2, 2015) * If you're in the [[w:White House|White House]], who wants to take a vacation? You're in the White House!… What's better than the White House? Why these vacations? **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] December 5, 2015 rally * Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on... According to Pew Research, among others, there is great hatred towards Americans by large segments of the Muslim population. Most recently, a poll from the [[w:Center for Security Policy|Center for Security Policy]] released data showing "25% of those polled agreed that violence against Americans here in the United States is justified as a part of the global jihad" and 51% of those polled, "agreed that Muslims in America should have the choice of being governed according to [[Sharia|Shariah]]." Shariah authorizes such atrocities as murder against non-believers who won't convert, beheadings and more unthinkable acts that pose great harm to Americans, especially women. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/press-releases/donald-j.-trump-statement-on-preventing-muslim-immigration Statement on Preventing Muslim Immigration] (December 7, 2015) archived [https://archive.ph/TK7qR here] * We are losing a lot of people to the Internet. We have to do something. We have to go see [[Bill Gates]] and a lot of different people that really understand what's happening. We have to talk to them [about], maybe in certain areas, closing that Internet up in some way. '''Some people will say, ‘[[Freedom of speech]], Freedom of speech'. These are foolish people.''' ** [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/dec/08/googles-eric-schmidt-spell-checkers-hate-harassment-terrorism Google's Eric Schmidt calls for 'spell-checkers for hate and harassment'], 8 December 2015, by Alex Hern. * We have places in [[London]] and other places that are so radicalised that the [[police]] are afraid for their own lives. We have to be very smart and very vigilant. ** As quoted in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/donald-trump-claims-parts-of-london-are-so-radicalised-police-officers-are-afraid-for-their-lives-a6765026.html "Donald Trump claims parts of London are 'so radicalised' police officers are 'afraid for their lives'"] by Rose Troup Buchanan, ''[[w:The Independent|The Independent]]'' (8 December 2015); also in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3352406/Scotland-Yard-mocks-Trump-s-claims-London-police-terrified-Muslim-areas-officers-claim-tycoon-RIGHT.html "'Trump's not wrong – we can't wear uniform in our OWN cars': Five police officers claim Donald Trump is RIGHT about parts of London being so 'radicalised' they are no-go areas"] by Martin Robinson, ''Daily Mail Online'' (9 December 2015) * These are people that are outside the country, so we're really not talking about the [[U.S. Constitution|Constitution]]. And it's not about religion. This is about safety. This has nothing to do with religion. It's about safety. ** Interview on ABC's "Life with Kelly and Michael", as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/262615-trump-muslim-ban-not-about-religion "Trump: Muslim ban 'not about religion'"] by Jesse Byrnes, ''The Hill'' (9 December 2015) * We're doing really well with the [[Evangelicalism in the United States|evangelicals]], and, by the way: And again, I do like [[Ted Cruz]] -- but not a lot of [[Evangelicalism|evangelicals]] come out of [[Cuba]], in all fairness. It's true. Not a lot come out. But I like him nevertheless. But I think we're going to do great, and we are doing great with evangelicals.<br>I'm with you. I'm with everybody. I'm with everybody, look, I'm self-funding. I have no oil company. I have no special [[interest]]. I have no lobbyists.<br>Well look he's from [[Texas]] -- to the best of my knowledge, there's a lot of oil in Texas, right? So, he gets a lot of money from the oil companies, and he's against ethanol and everything you're else talking about. And I'm not I'm totally in favor. And you know it's a big industry here, it's a big industry. You know if that industry is upset Iowa's got problems.<br>I really do, I like Ted Cruz a lot, I would say that we would certainly have things in mind for Ted, to be honest with you. I mean, he's somebody that I could certainly say that [about] because I like him. **11 December 2015 during a rally in Iowa, according to [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2015/12/11/donald-trump-questions-ted-cruzs-ties-to-major-oil-companies/ Washington Post article] by Jenna Johnson, [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/in-iowa-donald-trump-hits-ted-cruz-on-ethanol-and-religion/ CBS News article] by Kylie Atwood, and [https://web.archive.org/web/20151213223442/http://blogs.reuters.com/talesfromthetrail/2015/12/12/donald-trump-and-ted-cruz-are-best-of-frenemies/ Reuters article] by Emily Stephenson * We're rounding 'em up in a very humane way, in a very nice way. And they're going to be happy because they want to be legalized. And, by the way, I know it doesn't sound nice. But not everything is nice. **27 December 2015 on ''60 Minutes'' * I know words. I have the best words. **30 December 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kn283OjPb1g speech in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina] reported by [https://gawker.com/yet-another-bold-claim-from-donald-trump-i-know-words-1750331997 Gawker] and [https://dailycaller.com/2015/12/30/trump-i-know-words-i-have-the-best-words-obama-is-stupid-video/ The Daily Caller] * I'm trying to figure out, let's see, I'm in my room, in [[New York City|New York city]], and I want to put a little spray, so I can, you know [mimes spraying] right, right, but I hear they don't want me to use the hairspray, they want me to use the pump, because the other one, which I really like better than going [mimes pumping] bang, bang, bang, and then it comes out in big globs, right, and it's stuck in your hair and you say, "Oh my god I've got to take a shower again, my hair's all screwed up", right, I want to use hairspray, but they say "Don't use hairspray, it's bad for the ozone", so I'm sitting in this concealed [sic] apartment, this concealed unit (you know I do live in a very apartment, right) but it's sealed (it's beautiful) I don't think anything gets out, and I'm not supposed to be using hairspray! **30 December 2015 [https://www.c-span.org/video/?402610-1/donald-trump-campaign-rally-hilton-head-south-carolina speaking at a rally in Hilton Head, SC] ===2016=== ====January 2016==== [[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_4.jpg|thumb|I'm very angry. Because our country is being run horribly. I will gladly accept the mantle of anger. Our military is a disaster. Our healthcare is a horror show. Obamacare, we're going to repeal it and replace it.<br> We have no borders. Our vets are being treated horribly. Illegal immigration is beyond belief! Our country is being run by incompetent people and yes, I am angry. I'm angry because our country is a mess!]] * The entire world has been upset. The entire world, it's a different place. During Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton's term, she's done a horrible job.<br>She has caused death. She has caused tremendous death with incompetent decisions. I was against the [[war in Iraq]]. I wasn't a politician, but I was against the war in Iraq. She voted for the war in Iraq.<br>Look at {{w|Libya}}. That was her baby. Look. I mean, I'm not even talking about the ambassador and the people with the ambassador. Young, wonderful people. With messages coming in by the hundreds, and she's not even responding. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about all of the death that's been caused and not only our side.<br>There was nothing saved. If we would have never done anything in the Middle East, we would have a much safer world right now. ... All of this has led to the migration. All of this has led to tremendous death and destruction. And she for the most part was in charge of it along with Obama.<br>She's constantly playing the woman card. It's the only way she may get elected. I mean frankly... Personally, I'm not sure that anybody else other than me is going to beat her. And I think she's a flawed candidate. And you see what's happened recently. And it hasn't been a very pretty picture for her or for Bill. Because I'm the only one that's willing to talk about his problems. I mean, what he did and what he has gone through I think is frankly terrible, especially if she wants to play the woman card.<br>I have more respect for women by far than Hillary Clinton has. And I will do more for women than Hillary Clinton will. I will do far more including the protection of our country. She caused a lot of the problems that we have right now. ** CBS interview with John Dickerson (taped 1 January 2016) for ''[[wikipedia:Face the Nation|Face the Nation]]'' — as quoted in [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/01/trump-hillary-clinton-donald-217294 "Trump: Clinton has ruined the world"] by Nick Gass, ''Politico'' (3 January 2016) * They've created ISIS. Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama; created with Obama. But I love predicting because you know, ultimately, you need somebody with vision. ** At a rally, as quoted in [http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-created-isis-obama-2016-1 "TRUMP: 'Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama'"] by Colin Campbell, ''Business Insider'' (3 January 2016) * She [Clinton] has a terrible record as secretary of state. I mean, she's literally created ISIS. If you look at her, between her and Obama, they're the ones — we have this big ISIS problem they created with their bad policies and their bad thinking. ** On ''[[wikipedia:Fox & Friends|Fox & Friends]]'', as quoted in [http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-created-isis-obama-2016-1 "TRUMP: 'Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama'"] by Colin Campbell, ''Business Insider'' (3 January 2016) * Mexico is going to be the new China because what they're doing to us is unbelievable, although they did catch El Chapo. Good? Good? They did catch El Chapo, that's good. I mean I don't know, he better not escape a third time, you know? Those tunnels, bing, boom, right under the toilet, bing boom, right up. It's pretty amazing when you think about it, right? But anyway. I have an idea: Put him on the fourth floor this time, right? No more, no more first floors. ** Speech (9 January 2016), as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/el-chapo-on-donald-trump-mi-amigo/ "El Chapo on Donald Trump: 'Mi Amigo!"], by Rebecca Kaplan, ''CBS News'' (10 January 2016). * I'm very angry because our country is being run horribly and I will gladly accept the mantle of anger. Our military is a disaster. Our healthcare is a horror show. Obamacare, we're going to repeal it and replace it. We have no borders. Our vets are being treated horribly. Illegal immigration is beyond belief. Our country is being run by incompetent people. And yes, I am angry. I'm angry because our country is a mess. ** [http://time.com/4182096/republican-debate-charleston-transcript-full-text/ Full Transcript of the Sixth Republican Debate in Charleston], ''[[wikipedia:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (14 January 2016). * And just so — if I could, because he insulted a lot of people. I've had more calls on that statement that [[Ted Cruz|Ted]] made — New York is a great place. It's got great people, it's got loving people, wonderful people. When the World Trade Center came down, I saw something that no place on [[Earth]] could have handled more beautifully, more humanely than New York. You had two one hundred, you had two 110-story buildings come crashing down. I saw them come down. Thousands of people killed, and the cleanup started the next day, and it was the most horrific cleanup, probably in the history of doing this, and in construction. I was down there, and I've never seen anything like it. And the people in New York fought and fought and fought, and we saw more death, and even the smell of death — nobody understood it. And it was with us for months, the smell, the air. And we rebuilt downtown Manhattan, and everybody in the world watched and everybody in the world loved New York and loved New Yorkers. And I have to tell you, that was a very insulting statement that Ted made. ** [http://time.com/4182096/republican-debate-charleston-transcript-full-text/ Full Transcript of the Sixth Republican Debate in Charleston], ''[[wikipedia:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (14 January 2016). * The truth is, he's a nasty guy. He was so nice to me. I mean, I knew it. I was watching. I kept saying, 'Come on Ted. Let's go, okay.' But he's a nasty guy. Nobody likes him. Nobody in Congress likes him. Nobody likes him anywhere once they get to know him. He's a very –- he's got an edge that's not good. You can't make deals with people like that and it's not a good thing. It's not a good thing for the country. Very nasty guy. ** About [[Ted Cruz]] in an interview on ''[[wikipedia:This Week (ABC TV series)|This Week]]'' [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2016/01/17/donald_trump_ted_cruz_is_a_nasty_guy_nobody_likes_him.html] (January 17, 2016) * [[wikipedia:Tony Perkins (politician)|Tony Perkins]] wrote that out for me -- he actually wrote out 2, he wrote out the number 2 Corinthians, I took exactly what Tony said, and I said, 'Well Tony has to know better than anybody. * It's a very small deal, but a lot of people in different sections of the world say two, and I've had many, many people say that to me. My mother, as you know, was from Scotland, and they say two. ** In an interview with {{w|CNN}}'s {{w|Don Lemon}}, about saying "two Corinthians" instead of "Second Corinthians" during a speech at Liberty University. [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/01/20/politics/donald-trump-tony-perkins-sarah-palin/] (January 22, 2016) * Ted Cruz lies. He's a liar. And that's why nobody likes him, that's why his Senate people won't endorse him. That's why he stands on the middle of the Senate floor and can't make a deal with anybody. He looks like a jerk. He's standing all by himself. And you know, there's something to say about having a little bit of ability to get other people to do things. You can't be a lone wolf and stand there. That's sort of what we have right now as a president. ** [http://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/trump-ted-cruz-lies-he-s-a-liar-608990275597 Morning Joe] (26 January 2016) * But you cannot say anymore that the United States is going to pay for the wall. I am just going to say that we are working it out. Believe it or not, this is the least important thing that we are talking about, but politically this might be the most important talk about. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017) * So what I would like to recommend is – if we are going to have continued dialogue – we will work out the wall. They are going to say, "who is going to pay for the wall, Mr. President?" to both of us, and we should both say, "we will work it out." It will work out in the formula somehow. As opposed to you saying, "we will not pay" and me saying, "we will not pay." ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017) * Up in [[New Hampshire]] – I won New Hampshire because New Hampshire is a drug-infested den – is coming from the southern border. ** Actually, Clinton took NH; [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017) =====Speech at {{w|Liberty University}} (18 January 2016)===== : <small>[http://www.c-span.org/video/?403331-1/donald-trump-remarks-liberty-university Presidential Candidate Donald Trump at Liberty University], ''C-SPAN'' (18 January 2016)</small> * We've done great with the evangelicals. The evangelicals have been amazing. The [[Tea Party movement|Tea Party]] has been amazing and we're doing really well. * We're going to protect [[Christianity]], and I can say that. I don't have to be {{w|politically correct}}. We're going to protect it. I hear this is a major theme right here, but [[wikipedia:2 Corinthians 3|two Corinthians, 3]]:17, that's the whole ball game. "''Where the Spirit of the Lord''", right, "''where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is [[liberty]]''", and here there is Liberty College, but Liberty University, but it is so true. You know, when you think -- and that's really -- is that the one? Is that the one you like? I think that's the one you like because I loved it, and it's so representative of what's taken place. But we are going to protect Christianity. And if you look what's going on throughout the world, you look at Syria where if you're Christian, they're chopping off heads. You look at the different places, and [[Christianity]], it's under siege. * I'm a [[Protestantism|protestant]]. I'm very proud of it, [[w:Presbyterian|Presbyterian]] to be exact, but I'm proud of it, very, very proud. And we've got to protect because bad things are happening, very bad things are happening, and we don't -- I don't know what it is. We don't band together, maybe. Other religions, frankly, they're banding together. * This is a movement. It is a movement going on. We want to take our country back. Our country is disappearing. You look at the kind of deals we make. You look at what's happening, our country is going in the wrong direction, and so wrong, and it's got to be stopped and it's got to be stopped fast. * When our sailors were captured last week, I said that's one of the saddest things that I have seen when those young people were on their hands and knees in a begging position with their hands up and thugs behind them with guns, and then we talk like it's OK. It's not OK. It's lack of respect. We can't let that happen to this country. It's lack of respect. * The [[Persian people|Persians]], very good negotiators. Great negotiators, legendary negotiators. They're known for it. They're sitting across the table. * I hate to tell this to the woman, they're behind the fact, they're a little behind the fact. They haven't figured out that women may be in certain ways much better than men. But I don't want to say that because I will get myself in trouble with men. But they haven't figured this out yet but that's OK. * We spent 5 trillion dollars in the Middle East and our country is going to hell. We gotta bring it back. We gotta knock the hell out of ISIS. * I want to see a woman president soon, but not [Hillary Clinton]. She's a disaster. She's a disaster. She's a disaster. I mean, just think of the corruption and the scandal... We don't want to go through it. We want to see winning. We want to see win, win, win – constant winning. And you'll say – if I'm president... 'Please, Mr. President, we're winning too much. We can't stand it anymore. Can't we have a loss?' And I'll say no, we're going to keep winning, winning, winning... because we're going to make America great again. And you'll say, 'Okay, Mr. President. Okay.' =====Speech at {{w|Dordt University}} (23 January 2016)===== *{{anchor|shoot somebody|reason=linked to from w:en:Template:FBDB}}The people, my people, are so smart, and you know what they say about my people? The polls. They say I have the most loyal people — did you ever see that? Where '''I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters'''. It's like incredible. No, they say, "Trump we love you too." Trump's voters are by far, ya know, I'm at sixty-eight and sixty-nine percent, I'm at ninety percent, total, like, "Will you say absolutely?" I think it's sixty-eight and sixty-nine percent. "Will you most likely stay?" That gets into the nineties. Other guys like a ten. A guy like [[Jeb Bush]], he has a nobody, but he's like, they don't have people. They have nothing. Rubio, soft. They're all soft. My people stay, by the way, Cruz, soft. When they heard about this thing with that he was bordering Canada, nobody knew them? He lost a lot of people! He's gone down big in the polls. Ted Cruz has gone down big in the polls. That doesn't mean he's giving us a fight in Iowa, that doesn't mean you can stay home, okay, see, you with the smile? It doesn't mean that. You gotta go out cause we can't take any chances. ** [http://time.com/4191598/donald-trump-says-he-could-shoot-somebody-and-not-lose-voters/ Speech at campaign rally] (23 January 2016), Sioux Center, Iowa. ====February 2016==== * To have a crowd like this on our final day, can you believe it, this is the day. This is the day we take our country back. Remember that. This is the day we take our country back. So I got a little notice in case you see it. It's security guys. We have wonderful security guys. They said, "Mr. Trump, there may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience." So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously... Okay? Just knock the hell... I promise you I will pay for the legal fees, I promise. I promise. There won't be so much cause the courts agree with us too. What's going on in this country. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/politics/trump-knock-the-crap-out-of-tomato-throwers/2016/02/01/1d1fe1e2-c92b-11e5-b9ab-26591104bb19_video.html At a rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.] (1 February 2016) * This has been going if it's not going to happen anymore, folks. We're going to bring businesses back. We're going to have businesses that used to be in [[New Hampshire]], that are now in Mexico, come back to New Hampshire and you can tell them to go f--- themselves...because they let you down, and they left. We want the businesses that stay. I know a lot of businesses up here and I knew a lot of businesses up here. These are great people, they could've left and they wanna stay. They willing to stay, they're fighting to stay. It's hard. With a highest tax nation in the entire world. It's hard for them to stay and they stay. Those are the people we have to cherish and love. These are the people that are great. ** [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/may/18/priorities-usa-action/priorities-usa-donald-trump-women-ad/ At a rally in New Hampshire.] (4 February 2016) * '''Trump''': No, I didn't use the word. I never said the word, Bill. I don't know who told you -- I would never use the word. I didn't say the word. I said, "you can tell them to go [beat of silence] themselves."<br>'''O'Reilly''': But the lips kind of moved in the --<br>'''Trump''': Well, they might have. No, I didn't say the word. I wouldn't do that. Even I -- hey Bill, even I wouldn't do that, okay. No, I never said the word. ** On an interview on The O'Reilly Factor (6 February 2016) * [[Iraq|It]]'s the Harvard of Terrorists. ** [http://www.rawstory.com/2016/02/watch-as-charlie-rose-forces-trump-to-admit-he-agrees-with-obama-on-syria/ Interview with Charlie Rose] (17 February 2016) * Torture works, okay folks? [...] Believe me, it works. [...] Waterboarding is your minor form. Some people say it's not actually torture. Let's assume it is. But they asked me the question. What do you think of waterboarding? Absolutely fine. But we should go much stronger than waterboarding. That's the way I feel. ** [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-torture-works/ Donald Trump: "Torture works"]. CBS News (17 February 2016). Bluffton, South Carolina. * They were having [[terrorism]] problems, just like we do, and he caught 50 terrorists who did tremendous damage and killed many people. And he took the 50 terrorists, and he took 50 men and he dipped 50 bullets in pigs' blood — you heard that, right? He took 50 bullets, and he dipped them in pigs' blood. And he had his men load his rifles, and he lined up the 50 people, and they shot 49 of those people. And the 50th person, he said: You go back to your people, and you tell them what happened. And for 25 years, there wasn't a problem. Okay? Twenty-five years, there wasn't a problem. ** During a campaign stop in {{w|Pawley's Island, South Carolina}} (February 19, 2016) [http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/450574/donald-trump-tweet-fake-history-libel-war-crime]. Referring to a false story about [[John J. Pershing]] which has circulated on the Internet. * Bye bye. Look, see? He's smiling. See, he's having a good time. Oh, I love the old days, you know? You know what I hate? There's a guy, totally disruptive, throwing punches, we're not allowed to punch back anymore. I love the old days. You know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They'd be carried out on a stretcher, folks. You know, I love our police, and I really respect our police, and they're not getting enough. They're not. Honestly, I hate to see that. Here's a guy, throwing punches, nasty as hell, screaming at everything else when we're talking, and he's walking out, and we're not allowed -- you know, the guards are very gentle with him, he's walking out, like, big high fives, smiling, laughing -- I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you. ** [http://www.weeklystandard.com/protester-would-be-carried-out-on-a-stretcher-in-the-old-days-trump-reminisces/article/2001211 At a rally in Las Vegas] (22 February 2016) * We won with young. We won with old. We won with highly educated. We won with poorly educated. '''I love the poorly educated.''' ** [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/donald-trump-declares-i-love-the-poorly-educated-as-he-storms-to-victory-in-nevada-caucus-a6893106.html Donald Trump declares 'I love the poorly educated' as he storms to victory in Nevada caucus], 24 February 2016 * '''Ted Cruz''': Donald, relax.<br>'''Donald Trump''': I'm relaxed. You're the basket case. Go ahead, don't get nervous. ** [http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-wp-blm-carlson-6454d89c-dc90-11e5-8210-f0bd8de915f6-20160226-story.html CNN-Telemundo Republican debate] (25 February 2016) * If and when the Vatican is attacked by Isis, which as everyone knows is Isis’s ultimate trophy, the pope can have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been president because this would not have happened. Isis would have been eradicated unlike what is happening now with our all talk, no action politicians. **As quoted in Ben Jacobs, ''[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/feb/18/donald-trump-pope-francis-christian-wall-mexico-border Donald Trump calls Pope Francis 'disgraceful' for questioning his faith]'', ''The Guardian'' (February 18, 2016) ====March 2016==== * '''Donald Trump''': I think you've become very negative.<br>'''Bill O'Reilly''': Why would I do that?<br>'''Trump''': Who knows. You'll have to ask your psychiatrist. ** [http://www.politico.com/blogs/2016-gop-primary-live-updates-and-results/2016/03/donald-trump-bill-oreilly-gop-debate-220241 "Trump to O'Reilly: 'I think you've become very negative'"] by Nick Gass, ''Politico'' (3 March 2016) * '''Bret Baier''': So what would you do as commander in chief if the U.S. military refused to carry out those orders?<br>'''Donald Trump''': They won't refuse. They're not going to refuse me, believe me.<br>'''Baier''': But they're illegal.<br>'''Trump''': Let me just tell you, you look at the Middle East, they're chopping off heads. And now we're talking about waterboarding. We should go for waterboarding, and we should go tougher than waterboarding….<br>And I'm a leader. I'm a leader. I've always been a leader. I've never had any problem leading people. If I say do it, they're going to do it. That's what leadership is all about. ** Fox News Republican debate, {{#formatdate:2016-03-03}}, quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2016/03/04/469149226/trump-attacked-from-all-sides-in-bitter-chaotic-gop-debate Trump Attacked From All Sides In Bitter, Chaotic Debate] ''NPR'' (March 4, 2016) * Look at those hands. Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands — if they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem, I guarantee. ** Fox News Republican debate, {{#formatdate:2016-03-03}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2016-03-04|author=Gregory Krieg|title=Donald Trump defends size of his penis|periodical=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2016/03/03/politics/donald-trump-small-hands-marco-rubio/index.html}} * '''Anderson Cooper''': Is Islam at war with the West?<br>'''Donald Trump''': I think Islam hates us. There is something there, there is a tremendous hatred there, and we have to get to the bottom of it. There is an unbelievable hatred of us.<br>'''Cooper''': In Islam itself?<br>'''Trump''': You're going to have to figure that out, but there is a tremendous hatred and we have to be very vigilant, we have to be very careful and we can't allow people coming into this country who have this hatred of the United States and of people that are not Muslim.<br>'''Cooper''': The question is is there a war between the West and radical Islam or is it between the West and Islam itself?<br>'''Trump''': Well it's radical but it's very hard to define, it's very hard to separate because you don't know who's who. ** 9 March CNN interview, as quoted in [http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/us-election-2016-donald-trump-tells-cnn-tv-interviewer-islam-hates-us-1548760 "US Election 2016: Donald Trump tells CNN TV interviewer 'Islam hates us'"] by Harriet Sinclair, ''International Business Times'' (10 March 2016) * Come on, get 'em out, police, please. Let's go! ... Nobody wants to hurt each other anymore. ** During a St Louis, Mo., rally, as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/get-him-out-racial-tensions-explode-at-donald-trumps-rallies/2016/03/11/b9764884-e6ee-11e5-bc08-3e03a5b41910_story.html "‘Get 'em out!' Racial tensions explode at Donald Trump's rallies"], by Jose A. DelReal, ''The Washington Post'' (12 March 2016), Washington, D.C. * I promise you, I will not be taking very long vacations, if I take them at all. There's no time for vacations. We're not going to be big on vacations. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] March 14, 2016 rally *Iran has already, since the deal is in place, test-fired ballistic missiles three times. Those ballistic missiles, with a range of 1,250 miles, were designed to intimidate not only Israel, which is only 600 miles away, but also intended to frighten Europe and someday maybe hit even the United States. And we're not going to let that happen. We're not letting it happen. And we're not letting it happen to Israel, believe me.<br>Thank you. Thank you.<br>Do you want to hear something really shocking? As many of the great people in this room know, painted on those missiles in both Hebrew and Farsi were the words "'''Israel must be wiped off the face of the earth'''." You can forget that.<br>What kind of demented minds write that in Hebrew? **[http://time.com/4267058/donald-trump-aipac-speech-transcript/ 21 March 2016] address to AIPAC (America-Israel Public Affairs Committee) * '''Obama''': But you would rule in the possibility to fight against ISIS.<br>'''Trump''': Well, I'm never gonna rule anything out. And I wouldn't wanna say. Even if I felt -- it wasn't going -- I wouldn't wanna tell you that because, at a minimum, I want them to think maybe that we would use it. ** As part of a conversation with Barack Obama about ruling out the use of nuclear weapons (March 23, 2016) reported [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-open-to-nuclear-retaliation-after-brussels-attack/ 24 March 2016 by CBS] * If Saudi Arabia was without the cloak of American protection, I don't think it would be around. ** Interview on foreign policy given on 25 March 2016, published: [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/27/us/politics/donald-trump-foreign-policy.html ''In Donald Trump's Worldview, America Comes First, and Everybody Else Pays''], ''The New York Times'' (26 March 2016) * Talking about success, most people think success is measured in the form of monetary success. It's not really. I mean to be a successful person is to have a great family, is who loves the family, loves the children and the children love him or her. To me that's a much more successful person than a person that has made a billion dollars or ten billion dollars, and is miserable and doesn't have a good family and nobody likes that person. I think I've seen every type of person there is that God created. **<small>''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xuAO0zKRAk Donald Trump talks about Success and Happiness - Motivational speech held in Wisconsin on March 30, 2016]'', Mike Mohamed on YouTube. (2:37 to 3:05)</small> ====April 2016==== * I can be presidential, but if I was presidential I would only have - about 20% of you would be here because it would be boring as hell. ** At a rally in Superior, Wisconsin (4 April 2016) *''REPORTER: Mr Trump, please be specific and tell us your views on LGBT, how you plan to be inclusive as president. Speak about North Carolina bathroom law in particular.'' <Br>Trump: ''[...]'' One of the best answers I heard was from a commentator yesterday saying "leave it the way it is right now." There have been no-- very few problems. Leave it the way it is. North Carolina, what they're going through, with all of the business that's leaving and all of the strife and... and that's on both sides. You leave it the way it is. There have been very few complaints the way it is. People go, they use the bathroom that they feel is appropriate. There has been so little trouble and the problem with what happened in North Carolina is the strife and the economic- I mean economic punishment that they're taking. *''REPORTER: If [[w:Caitlyn Jenner|Caitlyn Jenner]] were to walk into [[w:Trump Tower|Trump Tower]], and want to use the bathroom, you would be fine with her using any bathroom she chooses?'' <Br>Trump: That is correct. *''On policies on bathroom use for transgender individuals:'' <Br>You know, there's a big move to create new bathrooms. Problem with that, is — for transgender — that would be a, first of all I think that would be discriminatory in a certain way. It would be unbelievably expensive for businesses and for the country. Leave it the way it is. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO6MLHLIfdc Donald Trump Town Hall: Abortion Exceptions, Immigration, Raising Taxes (Full) | TODAY] April 21, 2016 * I love working. I'm not a vacation guy. Right? Like Obama, he plays golf in Hawaii. He flies in a 747. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] April 21, 2016 rally * If you love what you do, you're happy. You don't take vacations. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] April 22, 2016 rally =====Foreign Policy Speech (27 April 2016)===== [[File:Maga.png|thumb|No country has ever prospered that failed to put its own interests first.]] : <small>[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/28/us/politics/transcript-trump-foreign-policy.html Transcript: Donald Trump's Foreign Policy Speech], ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' (27 April 2016)</small> * It's time to shake the rust off [[Foreign policy of the United States|America's foreign policy]]. * My foreign policy will always put the interests of the American people and American security above all else... That will be the foundation of every single decision that I will make. [[America First (policy)|America First]] will be the major and overriding theme of my administration. * Our foreign policy is a complete and total disaster. No vision. No purpose. No direction. No strategy. * [[Barack Obama|President Obama]] has weakened [[United States Armed Forces|our military]] by weakening our economy. He's crippled us with wasteful spending, massive [[National debt|debt]], low growth, a huge trade deficit and open borders. * Our allies are not paying their fair share... The countries we are defending must pay for the cost of this defense, and if not, the U.S. must be prepared to let these countries defend themselves. We have no choice. * Israel, our great friend and the one true democracy in the Middle East has been snubbed and criticized by an administration that lacks moral clarity... President Obama has not been a friend to Israel. He has treated Iran with tender love and care and made it a great power. * We've let our rivals and challengers think they can get away with anything, and they do... If President Obama's goal had been to weaken America, he could not have done a better job. * We've made the Middle East more unstable and chaotic than ever before. We left Christians subject to intense persecution and even [[genocide]]. We have done nothing to help the Christians, nothing, and we should always be ashamed for that lack of action. * Hillary Clinton refuses to say the words radical Islam, even as she pushes for a massive increase in refugees coming into our country. After Secretary Clinton's failed intervention in Libya, [[wikipedia:2012 Benghazi attack|Islamic terrorists in Benghazi]] took down our consulate and killed our ambassador and three brave Americans. Then, instead of taking charge that night, Hillary Clinton decided to go home and sleep. Incredible. Clinton blames it all on a video, an excuse that was a total lie, proven to be absolutely a total lie. Our ambassador was murdered and our secretary of state misled the nation. * We're also going to have to change our trade, immigration and economic policies to make our economy strong again. And to put Americans first again. This will ensure that our own workers, right here in America, get the jobs and higher pay that will grow our tax revenues, increase our economic might as a nation. * I believe an easing of tensions, and improved relations with Russia from a position of strength only is possible. * Americans must know that we're putting the American people first again on trade, on immigration, on foreign policy. The jobs, incomes and security of the [[Working class in the United States|American worker]] will always be my first priority. No country has ever prospered that failed to put its own interests first. Both our friends and our enemies put their countries above ours and we, while being fair to them, must start doing the same. We will no longer surrender this country or its people to the false song of [[globalism]]. The nation-state remains the true foundation for happiness and harmony. I am skeptical of international unions that tie us up and bring America down, and will never enter America into any agreement that reduces our ability to control our own affairs. ====May 2016==== * We have a 500 billion dollar deficit, trade deficit with China. We're going to turn it around and we have the cards, don't forget, we're like the piggy bank that's being robbed. We have the cards, we have a lot of power with China. When China doesn't want to fix the problem in North Korea we say "Sorry folks, you've got to fix the problem." '''Because we can't continue to allow China to rape [[United States|our country]], and that's what they're doing. It's the greatest theft in the history of the world.''' **[https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-us-canada-36185275/china-accused-of-trade-rape-by-donald-trump "China accused of trade 'rape' by Donald Trump"] ''BBC'' (2 May 2016) * You've been hearing me say it's a rigged system, but now I don't say it anymore because I won. It's true. Now I don't care. ** [http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trump-gop-rigged-but-i-dont-care-because-i-won/article/2590545 "Trump: GOP 'rigged,' but I don't care because I won"] by Ryan Lovelace, ''Washington Examiner'' (5 May 2016) ====June 2016==== * It's going to be like this. I'm not changing. ** Answer to the question whether the American public could expect a similar dynamic if he would win the presidential elections, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-01 |title=Donald Trump: Questions on money for war veterans |author=Alan Fisher |periodical=Al Jazeera |url=http://www.aljazeera.com/blogs/americas/2016/05/donald-trump-fumes-veterans-money-questions-160531203455389.html}} * '''He's a [[Mexicans|Mexican]]'''. We're building a wall between here and Mexico. ** About American judge Gonzalo Curiel (3 June 2016), as quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-04 |title=Trump Presses Case That 'Mexican' Judge Curiel Is Biased Against Him |author=Nina Totenberg |periodical=National Public Radio |url=http://www.npr.org/2016/06/04/480714972/trump-presses-case-that-mexican-judge-curiel-is-biased-against-him}} * I'm truly honored by your support. Together, we accomplished what nobody thought was absolutely possible and you know what that is and we're only getting started and it's going to be beautiful, remember that. Tonight we close one chapter in history and we begin another. Our campaign received more primary votes than any GOP campaign in history, no matter who it is, no matter who they are, we received more votes. This is a great feeling. That's a great feeling. This is not a testament to me but a testament to all of the people who believed real change, not Obama change, but real change is possible. You've given me the honor to lead the Republican Party to victory this fall. ** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript] * To those who voted for someone else in either party, I will work hard to earn your support and I will work very hard to earn that support. To all of those [[Bernie Sanders]] voters who have been left out in the cold by a rigged system of super delegates, we welcome you with open arms. And by the way, the terrible trade deals that Bernie was so vehemently against and he's right on that will be taken care of far better than anyone ever thought possible and that's what I do. We are going to have fantastic trade deals. We're going to start making money and bringing in jobs. ** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript] * My goal is always again to bring people together. But if I'm forced to fight for something I really care about, I will never, ever back down and our country will never, ever back down. Thank you. I've fought for my family. I've fought for my business. I've fought for my employees. And now, I'm going to fight for you, the American people like nobody has ever fought before. ** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript] * We're led by [[Barack Obama|a man]] that either is not tough, not smart, or he's got something else in mind. And the something else in mind, you know, people can't believe it, people cannot believe that President Obama is acting the way he acts and can't even mention the words 'radical Islamic terrorism. There's something going on — it's inconceivable. There's something going on. He doesn't get it, or he gets it better than anybody understands. It's one or the other, and either one is unacceptable. ** Phone interview on ''Fox and Friends'', as quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-13 |title=Trump on Obama and Islam: 'There's something going on' |author=Jesse Byrnes |periodical=The Hill |url=http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/283246-trump-on-obama-and-islam-theres-something-going-on}} * Belgium is a beautiful city. * Belgium is not the Belgium that you and I knew, Matt, from 20 years ago, which was one of the most beautiful cities and one of the safest cities in the world. Belgium is a horror show right now. ** [https://www.thebulletin.be/belgium-beautiful-city-according-donald-trump "Belgium is a “beautiful city”, according to Donald Trump"], ''The Bulletin'' (June 16, 2016) * Look, companies now are leaving the United States. Corporate inversion, they're leaving the United States, we have almost $5 trillion sitting out there, where they can't get the money back, they can't bring it in because there's no mechanism to bring it back in and the tax is so high. I'm going to bring tremendous amounts of money, tremendous amounts of jobs, tremendous numbers of companies, and yes the [[wikipedia:Political positions of Donald Trump#Taxes,_spending,_and_budget|tax is going to be cut]] from the highest tax nation anywhere in the world to a fairly low tax. Not the lowest in the world, but to a fairly low tax. * <p>'''Norah O'Donnell:''' Hillary Clinton called you the king of debt.</p><p>'''Donald Trump:''' Well, no she didn't call me, I called myself the king of debt. '''I'm the king of debt.''' I'm great with debt, nobody knows debt better than me. I made a fortune by using debt. And if things don't work out I renegotiate the debt, I mean that's a smart thing not a stupid thing. And I made a fortune.</p><p>'''O'Donnell:''' How do you renegotiate the debt?</p><p>'''Trump:''' Because you go back and you say, hey, guess what, the economy just crashed, I'm going to give you back half. I like debt for me, I don't like debt for the country. I like debt for my company, but I don't like debt for the country. For the country we have $19 trillion in debt, it's going to be very soon $21 trillion, not billion, $21 trillion in debt. And I will tell you we are sitting on a time bomb and Hillary Clinton doesn't have a clue. And President Obama has pretty much doubled the debt since he's been in office and somebody's going to pay a big price. We have to start chopping that debt down.</p><p>'''O'Donnell:''' [[Janet Yellen]], who you know, the chairman of the [[Federal Reserve System|Federal Reserve]] blasted you for saying that the U.S. could load up on debt and then make a deal with creditors if the [[Economy of the United States|economy]] has soured. She said there would be very severe consequences if an elected president tried to renegotiate the nation's debt.</p><p>'''Trump:''' I wouldn't renegotiate the debt.</p> ** In an interview with ''{{w|CBS This Morning'}}'' {{w|Norah O'Donnell}}, {{#formatdate:2016-06-22}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-22 |title=CBS' Norah O'Donnell Challenges Trump On His Economic Plan |periodical=Media Matters for America |url=https://www.mediamatters.org/donald-trump/cbs-norah-odonnell-challenges-trump-his-economic-plan}} * Our enemies probably know every single one [of Clinton's deleted emails]. So they probably now have a blackmail file. . . . We can't hand over our government to someone whose deepest, darkest secrets may be in the hands of our enemies. Can't do it." ** speech, {{#formatdate:2016-06-22}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-22 |title=Nobody brings the crazy quite like Trump |author=Dana Milbank |periodical=Washington Post |url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/nobody-brings-the-crazy-quite-like-trump/2016/06/22/74ba5692-38bd-11e6-9ccd-d6005beac8b3_story.html}} ====July 2016==== * [[Saddam Hussein]] was a bad guy. Right? He was a bad guy, really bad guy. But you know what he did well? He killed terrorists. He did that so good. They didn't read them the rights—they didn't talk, they were a terrorist, it was over. [...] Today, Iraq is Harvard for terrorism. You want to be a terrorist, you go to Iraq. It's like Harvard. Okay? So sad. ** At a campaign rally in Raleigh, North Carolina (July 5, 2016), as cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/07/05/donald-trump-praises-saddam-hussein-for-killing-terrorists-so-good/ "Donald Trump praises Saddam Hussein for killing terrorists ‘so good’"] ''The Washington Post'' (July 5, 2016). ** [[w:Jake Sullivan|Jake Sullivan]], then a policy advisor to Hillary Clinton, stated: "Hussein's regime was a sponsor of terrorism — one that paid families of suicide bombers who attacked Israelis, among other crimes." * I'll stand up for Article Two, Article 12, you name it of the Constitution. ** About the U.S. Constitution, which only has seven articles and 27 amendments; as recounted by [[Mark Sanford]], quoted in [http://talkingpointsmemo.com/dc/trump-changes-few-minds-with-meeting-on-the-hill "Trump Manages To Give Some House GOPers More Heartburn In Hill Meeting"] (2016), ''Talking Points Memo'' (July 7, 2016). * ''[Interviewer: You're not known to be a humble man. But I wonder—]'' I think I am actually humble. I think I'm much more humble than you would understand. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R42mFx3_ss During an interview] by {{WP|Lesley Stahl}} on ''{{WP|60 Minutes}}'' (17 July 2016) * Russia, if you're listening, I hope you're able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press. ** Press conference, reported in Ashley Parker and David E. Sanger, "[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/28/us/politics/donald-trump-russia-clinton-emails.html? Donald Trump Calls on Russia to Find Hillary Clinton's Missing Emails], ''The New York Times'' (July 27, 2016). * Though [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]] is exhausted and has given up on his [[revolution]], many of his voters still want to keep up the fight. I expect that millions of Bernie voters will refuse to vote for Hillary because of her support for the War in Iraq, the [[2011 Libyan civil war|invasion of Libya]], [[wikipedia:North American Free Trade Agreement|NAFTA]] and [[w:Trans-Pacific Partnership|TPP]], and of course because she is totally bought and sold by [[Special-interest group|special interests]]. She and [[Bill Clinton|her husband]] have been paid millions and millions by [[Multinational corporation|global corporations]] and powerful interests who will control her every decision. She is their puppet, and they pull the strings. We welcome with open arms all voters who want an honest [[Federal government of the United States|government]] and to fix [[Politics of the United States|our rigged system]] so it works for the people. This includes fixing one of Bernie's biggest issues, our terrible trade deals that strip our country of its jobs and wealth. ** ''[http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/07/donald-trump-reddit-ama-ask-me-anything/493361/ How Donald Trump Beat Reddit]'', ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' (July 28, 2016) * The things that were said about me. … You know what, I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard. ... I was gonna hit one guy in particular, a very little guy. I was gonna hit this guy so hard, his head would spin. He wouldn't know what the hell happened. ** Press conference, reported in Jacob Bogage, "[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/07/29/i-wanted-to-hit-a-couple-of-those-speakers-so-hard-trump-says-of-dem-convention-critics/ ‘I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard', Trump says of Democratic convention]", ''The Washington Post'' (July 29, 2016). * A guy who didn't have the guts to run for president. Little Michael. He doesn't know anything about me. But he never had the guts to run. He probably wished he did but he didn't. He spent millions of dollars on polling but he was missing one thing: guts. Little Michael. ** On [[Michael Bloomberg]]'s speech about Trump. At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'<nowiki/>]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * Obama gave a good speech but not nearly as good as the press would have you believe. Whether it's good or bad, the press will say it's fantastic. In many ways, I like Obama. It's hard to define. There's something about him I do like. I'm embarrassed to admit it. I give him a lot of credit. It's very unique and very hard to do and I give him tremendous credit. He became a two-term president of the United States. He's got some quality going. ** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'<nowiki/>]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * Emails in general are terrible. There's no security. It happens so often. I'm old-fashioned. I put a letter in an envelope and have it hand delivered. My son is 10 years old, and he has grown up [[Computers|computer]] literate. They start using computers before they can walk. His computer was locked and he unlocked it. And I said, ‘[[w:Barron Trump|Barron]], how did you do that?' And he said, ‘I won't tell you, Dad. ** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'<nowiki/>]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * Putin said I was a genius. I do say this: Wouldn't it be wonderful if we actually could get along with Russia and China and some other countries that we don't get along with, and then we go out and knock the hell out of ISIS? Wouldn't it be nice if we cleaned that mess up? Wouldn't it be smart? ** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'<nowiki/>]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * I think he's a pervert. It's dangerous to allow him on the convention floor. ** About [[Anthony Weiner]] on the {{w|2016 Democratic National Convention}}. At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'<nowiki/>]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * Captain [[wikipedia:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Humayun Khan]] was a hero to our country and we should honor all who have made the ultimate sacrifice to keep our country safe. The real problem here are the radical Islamic terrorists who killed him, and the efforts of these radicals to enter our country to do us further harm. Given the state of the world today, we have to know everything about those looking to enter our country, and given the state of chaos in some of these countries, that is impossible. While I feel deeply for the loss of his son, Mr. Khan who has never met me, has no right to stand in front of millions of people and claim I have never read the Constitution, (which is false) and say many other inaccurate things. If I become President, I will make America safe again. * Hillary Clinton should be held accountable for her central role in destabilizing the Middle East. She voted to send the United States to war against Iraq, helped lead the disastrous withdrawal of American troops years later that created the vacuum allowing the rise of ISIS, and has never met a [[wikipedia:United States involvement in regime change|regime change]] she didn't like (which have all been disasters) – not to mention her invasion of Libya and her abandonment of American personnel in Benghazi. The loss of these lives in Libya is directly traceable to Clinton, but their families' testimonials were rejected by the media. * Clinton's actions have been reckless and have directly led to the loss of American lives. And her extreme immigration policies, as also laid out by American victims in Cleveland, will cause the preventable deaths of countless more -- while putting all residents, from all places, at greater risk of terrorism. As Bernie Sanders said on numerous occasions, Hillary Clinton suffers from "bad judgement." She is not qualified to serve as Commander in Chief. ** Written statement responding to [[Khizr M. Khan]] [http://web.archive.org/web/20160731082150/https://www.donaldjtrump.com/press-releases/setting-the-record-straight] (July 30, 2016) ====={{w|2016 Republican National Convention}} (21 July 2016)===== [[File:Donald Trump 2016 RNC speech (1).jpg|thumb|I have joined the [[political]] arena so that the [[powerful]] can no longer beat up on [[people]] that cannot defend themselves. <br /> Nobody knows the [[system]] better than me, which is why I alone can fix it.]] : <small>[https://www.vox.com/2016/7/21/12253426/donald-trump-acceptance-speech-transcript-republican-nomination-transcript "Full transcript of Donald Trump’s acceptance speech at the RNC", ''Vox'' (22 July 2016)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs0pZ_GrTy8 "Donald Trump's entire Republican convention speech", ''CNN'' (21 July 2016)] · [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/07/full-transcript-donald-trump-nomination-acceptance-speech-at-rnc-225974 Donald Trump 2016 RNC draft speech transcript], ''{{w|Politico}}'' (21 July 2016)</small> * The attacks on our [[Law enforcement in the United States|police]], and the terrorism in our cities, threaten our very way of life. Any politician who does not grasp this danger is not fit to lead our country. * Americans watching this address tonight have seen the recent images of violence in our streets and the chaos in our communities. Many have witnessed this violence personally. Some have even been its victims. <br /> I have a message for all of you: The crime and violence that today afflicts our nation will soon — and I mean very soon come to an end. Beginning on January 20th 2017, safety will be restored. <br /> The most basic duty of government is to defend the lives of its citizens. Any government that fails to do so is a government unworthy to lead. * It is finally time for a straightforward assessment of the state of our nation. I will present the facts plainly and honestly. We cannot afford to be so politically correct anymore. <br /> So if you want to hear the corporate spin, the carefully-crafted lies, and the media myths — the Democrats are holding their convention next week. Go there. <br /> But here, at our convention, there will be no lies. We will honor the American people with the truth, and nothing else. * Decades of progress made in bringing down crime are now being reversed by this Administration's rollback of criminal enforcement. * America is far less safe – and the world is far less stable – than when Obama made the decision to put Hillary Clinton in charge of America's foreign policy. I am certain it is a decision he truly regrets. Her bad instincts and her bad judgment – something pointed out by Bernie Sanders – are what caused the disasters unfolding today. * This is the legacy of Hillary Clinton: death, destruction and weakness. * The problems we face now – [[Poverty in the United States|poverty]] and violence at home, war and destruction abroad – will last only as long as we continue relying on the same politicians who created them. A change in leadership is required to change these outcomes. * There can be no prosperity without [[wikipedia:Law and order (politics)|law and order]] * Our plan will put America First. [[wikipedia:Americanism (ideology)|Americanism]], not globalism, will be our credo. As long as we are led by politicians who will not put America First, then we can be assured that other nations will not treat America with respect. * Big business, elite media and major donors are lining up behind the campaign of my opponent because they know she will keep our rigged system in place. They are throwing money at her because they have total control over everything she does. She is their puppet, and they pull the strings. That is why Hillary Clinton's message is that things will never change. My message is that things have to change – and they have to change right now. * Every day I wake up determined to deliver for the people I have met all across this nation that have been neglected, ignored, and abandoned. I have visited the laid-off factory workers, and the communities crushed by our horrible and unfair trade deals. These are the forgotten men and women of our country, and they are forgotten, but they're not going to be forgotten long. These are people who work hard but no longer have a voice. I AM YOUR VOICE. * I have no patience for injustice, no tolerance for government incompetence, no sympathy for leaders who fail their citizens. * When innocent people suffer, because our political system lacks the will, or the courage, or the basic decency to enforce our [[Law|laws]] – or worse still, has sold out to some corporate lobbyist for cash – I am not able to look the other way. * When a [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] illegally stores her emails on a private server, deletes 33,000 of them so the authorities can't see her crime, puts our country at risk, lies about it in every different form and faces no consequence – I know that corruption has reached a level like never before. * I have joined the political arena so that the powerful can no longer beat up on people that cannot defend themselves. '''Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it'''. <br /> I have seen firsthand how the system is rigged against our citizens, just like it was rigged against Bernie Sanders – he never had a chance. * [[Mike Pence|He]] (Mike Pence) is a man of character and accomplishment. He is the right man for the job. * An attack on law enforcement is an attack on all Americans. I have a message to every last person threatening the peace on our streets and the safety of our police: when I take the oath of office next year, I will restore law and order our country. * In this race for the White House, I am the Law And Order candidate. ... I will work to ensure that all of our kids are treated equally, and protected equally. ** "I am the law-and-order candidate" was a phrase used by [[Richard Nixon]] during his [[w:Richard Nixon 1968 presidential campaign|1968 presidential campaign]]. * Once again, [[France]] is the [[wikipedia:2016 Nice attack|victim of brutal Islamic terrorism]]. Men, women and children viciously mowed down. Lives ruined. Families ripped apart. A nation in mourning. * I will do everything in my power to protect our [[LGBT]] citizens from the violence and oppression of a hateful foreign ideology. * We must work with all of our allies who share our goal of destroying ISIS and stamping out Islamic terror. This includes working with our greatest ally in the region, the State of Israel. * We must immediately suspend immigration from any nation that has been compromised by terrorism until such time as proven vetting mechanisms have been put in place. * I only want to admit individuals into our country who will support our values and love our people. Anyone who endorses violence, hatred or oppression is not welcome in our country and never will be. * Decades of record immigration have produced lower wages and higher unemployment for our citizens, especially for African-American and Latino workers. We are going to have an immigration system that works, but one that works for the American people. * Of all my travels in this country, nothing has affected me more deeply than the time I have spent with the mothers and fathers who have lost their children to violence spilling across our border. * We are going to build a great border wall to stop illegal immigration, to stop the gangs and the violence, and to stop the drugs from pouring into our communities. * We are going to be considerate and compassionate to everyone. But my greatest compassion will be for our own struggling citizens. * I pledge to never sign any trade agreement that hurts our workers, or that diminishes our freedom and independence. Instead, I will make individual deals with individual countries. * No longer will we enter into these massive deals, with many countries, that are thousands of pages long – and which no one from our country even reads or understands. We are going to enforce all trade violations, including through the use of taxes and tariffs, against any country that cheats. * My Dad, {{w|Fred Trump}}, was the smartest and hardest working man I ever knew. * America is a nation of believers, dreamers, and strivers that is being led by a group of censors, critics, and cynics. * All of the people telling you that you can't have the country you want, are the same people telling you that I wouldn't be standing here tonight. No longer can we rely on those elites in media, and politics, who will say anything to keep a rigged system in place. * My opponent asks her supporters to recite a three word loyalty pledge. It reads, "I'm with her." I choose to recite a different pledge. My pledge reads, "I'm with you – the American people." I am your voice. So to every parent who dreams for their child, and every child who dreams for a better future, I say these words to you tonight: I'm with you, and I will fight for you, and I will win for you. To all Americans tonight, in all of our cities and towns, I make this promise: We will make America proud again, we will make America strong again, we will make America safe again, and we will Make America Great Again! God bless you and good night! I love you! ====August 2016==== [[File:Classified documents at Mar-a-Lago bathroom.jpg|thumb|In my administration, I'm going to enforce all [[laws]] concerning the [[protection]] of classified information. No one will be above the law.]] * He’s not going into Ukraine, OK, just so you understand. He’s not going to go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down. You can put it down. You can take it anywhere you want. ** Claimed about the Russian president Vladimir Putin after Putin had invaded Crimea, Ukraine and while fighting a war in Donbass, Ukraine, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2016/07/31/politics/donald-trump-russia-ukraine-crimea-putin/index.html "Trump says Putin is ‘not going to go into Ukraine,’ despite Crimea"], ''CNN'' (August 1, 2016) * Don't worry about that baby. I love babies. I hear that baby crying, I like it. What a baby. What a beautiful baby. Don't worry, don't worry. The mom's running around like—don't worry about it, you know. It's young and beautiful and healthy and that's what we want. [...] Actually, I was only kidding, you can get the baby out of here. That's all right. Don't worry. I, I think she really believed me that I love having a baby crying while I'm speaking. That's OK. People don't understand. That's OK. ** [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/trump-kicks-out-baby-rally-226566 At a rally in Ashburn, Virginia.] (August 2, 2016) * He's a terrible president, he'll probably go down as the worst president in the history of our country, he's been a total disaster. ** On Barack Obama during an interview with [[wikipedia:WJLA-TV|WJLA]]. {{citation |date=2016-08-02 |author=Eric Bradner |title=Trump responds to Obama: 'He's a terrible president' |periodical=CNN |url=http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/02/politics/donald-trump-obama-election-2016/}} * [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] wants to abolish, essentially abolish, the [[Second Amendment to the United States Constitution|second amendment]]. '''If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the second amendment people, maybe there is''', I don't know. But I'll tell you what, that will be a horrible day. ** Rally in [[w:Wilmington, North Carolina|Wilmington, North Carolina]] on August 9, 2016 ({{cite news |title=Donald Trump Suggests ‘Second Amendment People' Could Act Against Hillary Clinton |newspaper=[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]] |first1=Nick |last1=Corasaniti |authorlink2=w:Maggie Haberman |first2=Maggie |last2=Haberman |date=August 9, 2016 |accessdate=November 15, 2018 |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/10/us/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton.html}}; {{cite news |title=Donald Trump hints at assassination of Hillary Clinton by gun rights supporters |first=David |last=Smith |date=August 10, 2016 |accessdate=November 15, 2018 |newspaper=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]] |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/aug/09/trump-gun-owners-clinton-judges-second-amendment}}). * In my administration, I'm going to enforce all laws concerning the protection of classified information. No one will be above the law. ** Statement in a [https://www.c-span.org/video/?414134-1/donald-trump-campaign-rally-charlotte-north-carolina campaign rally in Charlotte, North Carolina (18 August 2016)], as quoted in [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-classified-above-law/ "Yes, Trump Said 'No One Will Be Above the Law' Regarding Protection of Classified Information" (9 June 2023)] * [[ISIS]] is honoring President Obama. He is the founder of ISIS. He founded ISIS. And I would say the co-founder would be crooked [[Hillary Clinton]]. ** During a Florida rally at the BB&T Center in Sunrise, as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-president-barack-obama-founder-isis/story?id=41286869 "Donald Trump: President Barack Obama 'Is the Founder of ISIS'"] by David Caplan, ''ABC News'' (August 10, 2016) * I will always tell you the truth. ** [https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2016/8/19/1561877/-Trump-I-will-always-tell-you-the-truth-up-to-30-percent-of-the-time "Trump: “I will always tell you the truth” up to 30 percent of the time"], ''Daily Kos'' (August 19, 2024) * No group in America has been more harmed by Hillary Clinton's policies than African-Americans. If Hillary Clinton's goal was to inflict pain on the African-American community, she could not have done a better job. It's a disgrace. Tonight, I'm asking for the vote of every single African-American citizen in this country who wants to see a better future. The inner cities of our country have been run by the Democratic party for more than fifty years. Their policies have reduced only [[Poverty in the United States|poverty]], joblessness, failing schools and broken homes. It's time to hold Democratic politicians accountable for what they have done to these communities. At what point do we say, "enough?" It's time to hold failed leaders accountable for their results not just their empty words over and over again. Look at what the Democratic party has done to the city as an example and there are many others of Detroit: forty percent of Detroit's residents live in poverty. Half of all Detroit residents do not work and cannot work and can't get a job. Detroit tops the list of most dangerous cities in terms of violent crime. This is the legacy of the Democratic politicians who have run this city. This is the result of the policy agenda embraced by Hillary Clinton: thirty-three thousand emails gone. The only way to change results is to change leadership. We can never fix our problems by relying on the same politicians who created our problems in the first place. A new future requires brand new leadership. Look how much African-American communities suffered under Democratic control. To those I say the following: What do you have to lose by trying something new like Trump. What do you have to lose? I say it again, what do you have to lose. Look, what do you have to lose? You're living your poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs. Fifty-eight percent of your youth is unemployed? What the hell do you have to lose? And at the end of four years, I guarantee you, that I will get over ninety-five percent of the African-American vote. I promise you. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5B5m1S5VTA Speech to the African-American community in Dimondale, Michigan] (August 19, 2016) * I'm going to be working for you. I'm not going to have time to go play golf. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2017/02/13/trump-used-to-have-a-slightly-different-opinion-of-presidents-playing-golf/?utm_term=.d2f026a42e9c Trump used to have a slightly different opinion of presidents playing golf] by Phillip Bump, Washington Post, August 8 Virginia rally (August 20, 2016) * Immigration security, we need to protect American jobs. We need to protect American safety. We're going to build a wall folks, don't worry, we're going to build a wall. That wall will go up so fast, your heads will spin. And you'll say, "you know, know he meant it!" And you know what else I mean? Mexico is going to pay for the wall. ** On immigration at a rally in Akron, Ohio (22 August 2016) * It's our right as a sovereign nation to choose immigrants that we think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us. ** Immigration speech (31 August 2016), quoted in [http://fox59.com/2016/08/31/donald-trump-delivers-immigration-speech-after-meeting-with-mexican-president/ "Donald Trump delivers immigration speech after meeting with Mexican president"] by CNN Wire, ''[[wikipedia:WXIN|Fox 59]]''. * The fundamental problem with the immigration system in our country is that it serves the needs of wealthy donors, political activists and powerful politicians. Let me tell you who it doesn’t serve: it doesn’t serve you, the American people. ** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016) * When politicians talk about immigration reform, they usually mean the following: amnesty, open borders, and lower wages. Immigration reform should mean something else entirely: it should mean improvements to our laws and policies to make life better for American citizens. But if we are going to make our immigration system work, then we have to be prepared to talk honestly and without fear about these important and sensitive issues. ** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016) * To all the politicians, donors and special interests, hear these words from me today: there is only one core issue in the immigration debate and it is this: the well-being of the American people. Nothing even comes a close second. ** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016) * You’re stealing my money! You’re stealing my fucking money! What the fuck is this? Why are you letting him steal my fucking money?<br>Fuck the law. I don’t give a fuck about the law. I want my fucking money. **??? when informed he was required to fund a transition. [https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/sep/27/this-guy-doesnt-know-anything-the-inside-story-of-trumps-shambolic-transition-team 27 September 2018 article in The Guardian by Michael Lewis ] =====Speech in Jackson, Mississippi (August 24, 2016)===== <small>Speech in {{w|Jackson, Mississippi}}. As quoted by ''{{w|CBS}}'' and ''{{w|The Hindu}}'' [http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2016/08/24/trump-clinton-bigot/][http://www.thehindu.com/news/international/republican-presidential-candidate-donald-trump-speaks-at-an-election-rally-in-mississippi/article9031151.ece] (August 24, 2016)</small> * '''Hillary Clinton is a bigot who sees people of color only as votes, not as human beings worthy of a better future.''' She's going to do nothing for African-Americans. She's going to do nothing for the Hispanics. She's only going to take care of herself, her consultants, her donors, these are the people she cares about. She doesn't care what her policies have done to your communities. She doesn't care. Remember this, you've had her policies — Democrats running some of the inner cities for 50, 70, 80, even over 100 years. And look what you have right now: poverty, no education, crime, you can't walk down the street with your child. We're going to fix it. Hillary Clinton has no remorse. I will fight to create a better future for every American. * Eight years of Obama-Clinton policies have sacrificed our safety and undermined our freedom and independence. ... The Obama-Clinton foreign policy has unleashed ISIS, destabilised the Middle East and put the nation of Iran — which chants [[Death to America]] — in a dominant position of regional power and, in fact, aspiring to be a dominant world power. * Our jobs have moved overseas, Islamic terrorism has spread within our shores and an open border has crushed low-income workers and threatened our security. The issues we face here in America are similar to the issues faced in Britain during their referendum on membership in the EU. This is the movement known as Brexit * Hillary wants to surrender America to globalism. She wants a country without borders. She wants trade deals written for the benefit of foreign corporations. She wants a government that ignores the will of the people. She wants to sell out American security to the Clinton Foundation for a pile of cash. It is hard to tell where the Clinton Foundation ends and the [[United States Department of State|State Department]] begins. ... Hillary Clinton has betrayed her duty to the people. * The job of a public official is to serve and protect the citizens of the United States. Not illegal immigrants, not foreign nationals seeking entry, but the people living here lawfully today — including millions of African-American and Hispanic citizens. * I will fight for their security, I will fight for their jobs, I will fight for their families. One American Nation. * It's time for America to recapture its destiny. Our government, our leaders, and our media have lost touch with the people. You need no better evidence of that than the fact that the media ignores the plight of Americans who have lost their children to illegal immigrants, but spends day after day pushing for amnesty for those here in violation of the law. * This is the legacy of Hillary Clinton: death, destruction, terrorism and weakness. But Hillary Clinton's legacy doesn't have to be America's legacy. * I have a message for the terrorists trying to kill our citizens: we will find you, we will destroy you, and we will win. This is not only a military fight, but we will also require cyberwarfare and financial warfare. It is also an ideological fight. We will confront directly the hateful ideology of Radical Islam — and promote American values, and American culture, and America's system of government. ====September 2016==== * We can't have someone in the Oval Office who doesn't understand the meaning of the word "confidential" or "classified". ** [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/05/15/politics/donald-trump-classified-information/ Trump campaign speech in Greenville, North Carolina] (6 September 2016) * For the first time in a long while, [[Hillary Clinton|her]] true feelings came out, showing bigotry and hatred for millions of Americans. How can she be President of our country when she has such contempt and disdain for so many great Americans? ** {{cite news |title=Clinton walks back 'deplorables' comment: I 'regret' using the term to describe 'half' of Trump's supporters |first=Beremy |last=Berke |work=[[w:Business Insider|Business Insider]] |date=10 September 2016 |url=http://www.businessinsider.com/clinton-regrets-deplorables-comment-2016-9/}} * While my opponent slanders you as deplorable... I call you hard-working, American patriots. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?415085-1/donald-trump-campaigns-ashville-north-carolina Donald Trump Campaign Rally in Ashville, North Carolina], ''C-SPAN.org'' (12 September 2016). *OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don't dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things…I also watch TV…OK, so I've done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb…<br>Do I comb it forward? No, I don't comb it forward…I actually don't have a bad hairline. When you think about it, it's not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it's not really a comb-over. It's sort of a little bit forward and back. I've combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time. **[https://www.newsmax.com/thewire/jimmy-fallon-donald-trump-mess-up-hair/2016/09/16/id/748677/ 15 September 2016 to Jimmy Fallon] * Hillary Clinton and her campaign of 2008 started the birther controversy. I finished it. I finished it. You know what I mean. President Barack Obama was born in the United States, period. Now we all want to get back to making America strong and great again. ** {{cite news |title=Trump finally says Obama born in U.S., blames Clinton for controversy |work=USA Today |date=16 September 2016 |url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2016/2016/09/16/donald-trump-barack-obama-hillary-clinton-presidential-campaign-birtherism/90471868/}} ** [[wikipedia:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Conspiracy theories about Barack Obama's citizenship]] were not started by Hillary Clinton's 2008 campaign according to ''[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/sep/16/donald-trump/fact-checking-donald-trumps-claim-hillary-clinton-/ PolitiFact.com]'', and Trump continued to question Obama's citizenship for years after he released his long-form birth certificate in 2011[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/sep/16/donald-trump/donald-trumps-pants-fire-claim-he-finished-obama-b/]. * People don't know how great you are. People don't know how smart you are. These are the smart people. These are the smart people. These are really the smart people. And they never like to say it, but I say it. And I'm a smart person. These are the smart. We have the smartest people. We have the smartest people. And they know it. Some say it, but they hate to say it. But we have the smartest people. ** Council Bluffs, Iowa, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-09-29 |title=Donald Trump's Bizarre Speech: 'You Are The Smartest People' |periodical=Leading Britain's Conversation |url=https://www.lbc.co.uk/politics/us-election/donald-trump/donald-trumps-bizarre-speech-smartest-people/}} * On the question if he would honor the results of the election should he lose:<br>"We're going to have to see. We're going to see what happens. We're going to have to see." ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/01/us/politics/donald-trump-interview-bill-hillary-clinton.html?_r=0 In an interview with the New York Times]; [http://www.nbcnews.com/card/trump-appears-back-pledge-support-clinton-if-she-wins-n657866 Trump Appears to Back Off Pledge to Support Clinton If She Wins], NBC News (30 September 2016) =====First presidential debate (September 26, 2016)===== <small>[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/26/the-first-trump-clinton-presidential-debate-transcript-annotated/#annotations:10505575 Transcript], ''{{w|Washington Post}}''</small> * Our jobs are fleeing the country. They're going to Mexico. They're going to many other countries. You look at what China is doing to our country in terms of making our product. They're devaluing their currency, and there's nobody in our government to fight them. And we have a very good fight. And we have a winning fight. Because they're using our country as a piggy bank to rebuild China, and many other countries are doing the same thing. ... We have to stop our jobs from being stolen from us. We have to stop our companies from leaving the United States and, with it, firing all of their people. ... We cannot let it happen. Under my plan, I'll be reducing taxes tremendously, from 35 percent to 15 percent for companies, small and big businesses. That's going to be a job creator like we haven't seen since [[Ronald Reagan]]. It's going to be a beautiful thing to watch. Companies will come. They will build. They will expand. New companies will start. And I look very, very much forward to doing it. We have to renegotiate our trade deals, and we have to stop these countries from stealing our companies and our jobs. * Our country's in deep trouble. We don't know what we're doing when it comes to devaluations and all of these countries all over the world, especially China. They're the best, the best ever at it. What they're doing to us is a very, very sad thing. * But in all fairness to Secretary Clinton, when she started talking about this, it was really very recently. She's been doing this for 30 years. And why hasn't she made the agreements better? The NAFTA agreement is defective. Just because of the tax and many other reasons, but just because of the fact Secretary Clinton and others, politicians, should have been doing this for years, not right now, because of the fact that we've created a movement. * The first thing you do is don't let the jobs leave. The companies are leaving. I could name, I mean, there are thousands of them. They're leaving, and they're leaving in bigger numbers than ever. And what you do is you say, fine, you want to go to Mexico or some other country, good luck. We wish you a lot of luck. But if you think you're going to make your air conditioners or your cars or your cookies or whatever you make and bring them into our country without a tax, you're wrong. And once you say you're going to have to tax them coming in, and our politicians never do this, because they have special interests and the special interests want those companies to leave, because in many cases, they own the companies. So what I'm saying is, we can stop them from leaving. We have to stop them from leaving. And that's a big, big factor. * '''CLINTON''': Donald was one of the people who rooted for the [[wikipedia:United States housing bubble|housing crisis]]. He said, back in 2006, "Gee, I hope it does collapse, because then I can go in and buy some and make some money." Well, it did collapse. : '''TRUMP''': That's called business, by the way. * We invested in a solar company, our country. That was a disaster. They lost plenty of money on that one. Now, look, I'm a great believer in all forms of [[energy]], but we're putting a lot of people out of work. Our energy policies are a disaster. Our country is losing so much in terms of energy, in terms of paying off our debt. You can't do what you're looking to do with $20 trillion in debt. The Obama administration, from the time they've come in, is over 230 years' worth of debt, and he's topped it. He's doubled it in a course of almost eight years, seven-and-a-half years, to be semi- exact. * We have to do a much better job at giving companies incentives to build new companies or to expand, because they're not doing it. * NAFTA is the worst trade deal maybe ever signed anywhere, but certainly ever signed in this country. And now you [Hillary Clinton] [[wikipedia:Political positions of Hillary Clinton#Trans-Pacific_Partnership|want to approve Trans-Pacific Partnership]]. You were totally in favor of it. Then you heard what I was saying, how bad it is, and you said, I can't win that debate. But you know that if you did win, you would approve that, and that will be almost as bad as NAFTA. Nothing will ever top NAFTA. * You are going to approve one of the [[wikipedia:Political positions of Hillary Clinton#Fiscal_policy_and_taxation|biggest tax cuts in history]]. You are going to approve one of the biggest tax increases in history. You are going to drive business out. Your regulations are a disaster, and you're going to increase regulations all over the place. And by the way, my tax cut is the biggest since [[wikipedia:Reaganomics|Ronald Reagan]]. I'm very proud of it. It will create tremendous numbers of new jobs. But regulations, you are going to regulate these businesses out of existence. ... The things that business as in people like the most is the fact that I'm cutting regulation. You have regulations on top of regulations, and new companies cannot form and old companies are going out of business. And you want to increase the regulations and make them even worse. I'm going to cut regulations. I'm going to cut taxes big league, and you're going to raise taxes big league, end of story. * She's telling us how to fight ISIS. Just go to her website. She tells you how to fight ISIS on her website. I don't think General [[Douglas MacArthur]] would like that too much. ... See, you're telling the enemy everything you want to do. No wonder you've been fighting ISIS your entire adult life. * I'm really calling for major jobs, because the wealthy are going create tremendous jobs. They're going to expand their companies. They're going to do a tremendous job. I'm getting rid of the carried interest provision. And if you really look, it's not a tax -- it's really not a great thing for the wealthy. It's a great thing for the middle class. It's a great thing for companies to expand. * We have the worst revival of an economy since the [[Great Depression]]. And believe me: '''We're in a bubble right now. And the only thing that looks good is the [[stock market]], but if you raise [[interest]] rates even a little bit, that's going to come [[Stock market crash|crashing down]].''' * I will release them as soon as the [[Auditor|audit]]. Look, I've been under audit almost for 15 years. I know a lot of wealthy people that have never been audited. I said, do you get audited? I get audited almost every year. And in a way, I should be complaining. I'm not even complaining. I don't mind it. It's almost become a way of life. I get audited by the [[IRS]]. But other people don't. I will say this. We have a situation in this country that has to be taken care of. I will release my tax returns -- against my lawyer's wishes -- when she [Hillary Clinton] releases her 33,000 e-mails that have been deleted. As soon as she releases them, I will release. ** About releasing his tax returns. * That makes me smart. ** About that Trump didn't pay [[wikipedia:Income tax in the United States|federal income taxes]]. * That was more than a mistake. That was done purposely. OK? That was not a mistake. That was done purposely. When you have your staff taking the [[Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fifth Amendment]], taking the Fifth so they're not prosecuted, when you have the man that set up the illegal server taking the Fifth, I think it's disgraceful. ** About {{w|Hillary Clinton email controversy}} * As far as my tax returns, you don't learn that much from tax returns. That I can tell you. You learn a lot from financial disclosure. And you should go down and take a look at that. * I am very under[[wiktionary:leverage|leveraged]]. I have a great company. I have a tremendous income. And the reason I say that is not in a braggadocios way. It's because it's about time that this country had somebody running it that has an idea about money. * Maybe he didn't do a good job and I was unsatisfied with his work ... On occasion, four times, we used certain laws that are there. And when Secretary Clinton talks about people that didn't get paid, first of all, they did get paid a lot, but taken advantage of the laws of the nation. Now, if you want to change the laws, you've been there a long time, change the laws. But I take advantage of the laws of the nation because I'm running a company. My obligation right now is to do well for myself, my family, my employees, for my companies. And that's what I do. ... She [Hillary Clinton] doesn't say is that tens of thousands of people that are unbelievably happy and that love me. ** About not having paid to some of his employees. * We need law and order. If we don't have it, we're not going to have a country. ... We need law and order in our country. * We have a situation where we have our inner cities, [[African American|African- Americans]], [[w:Hispanic American|Hispanics]] are living in hell because it's so dangerous. You walk down the street, you get shot. * Now, whether or not in a place like Chicago you do [[wikipedia:Frisking|stop and frisk]], which worked very well, [[Rudy Giuliani|Mayor Giuliani]] is here, [[wikipedia:Stop-and-frisk in New York City|worked very well in New York]]. It brought the crime rate way down. But you take the gun away from criminals that shouldn't be having it. We have [[wikipedia:Gangs in the United States|gangs roaming the street]]. And in many cases, they're illegally here, [[illegal immigrants]]. And they have guns. And they shoot people. And we have to be very strong. And we have to be very vigilant. * Our police, in many cases, are afraid to do anything. We have to protect our inner cities, because African-American communities are being decimated by crime, decimated. * '''HOLT''': Stop-and-frisk was ruled unconstitutional in New York, because it largely singled out black and Hispanic young men. : '''TRUMP''': No, you're wrong. It went before a judge, who was a very against-police judge. It was taken away from her. And our mayor, our new mayor, refused to go forward with the case. They would have won an appeal. If you look at it, throughout the country, there are many places where it's allowed. : '''HOLT''': The argument is that it's a form of racial profiling. : '''TRUMP''': No, the argument is that we have to take the guns away from these people that have them and they are bad people that shouldn't have them. * You need more police. You need a better community, you know, relation. ... You need better relationships between the communities and the police, because in some cases, it's not good. * So when you [Hillary Clinton] tried to act holier than thou, it really doesn't work. It really doesn't. * We should be better than anybody else, and perhaps we're not. I don't think anybody knows it was Russia that [[wikipedia:Democratic National Committee cyber attacks|broke into the DNC]]. She's saying Russia, Russia, Russia, but I don't -- maybe it was. I mean, it could be Russia, but it could also be China. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK? * We have to get very, very tough on cyber and cyber warfare. * President Obama and Secretary Clinton created a vacuum the way they got [[wikipedia:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq|out of Iraq]], because they got out -- what, they shouldn't have been in, but once they got in, the way they got out was a disaster. And ISIS was formed. * I said it to you once, had we taken the [[oil]] -- and we should have taken the oil -- ISIS would not have been able to form either, because the [[wikipedia:Oil production and smuggling in ISIL|oil was their primary source of income]]. And now they have the oil all over the place, including the oil -- a lot of the oil in Libya, which was another one of her disasters. * You [Hillary Clinton] look at the Middle East, you started the Iran deal, that's another beauty where you have a country that was ready to fall, I mean, they were doing so badly. They were choking on the sanctions. And now they're going to be actually probably a major power at some point pretty soon, the way they're going. * I think we have to get [[NATO]] to go into the Middle East with us, in addition to surrounding nations, and we have to knock the hell out of ISIS, and we have to do it fast, when ISIS formed in this vacuum created by Barack Obama and Secretary Clinton. And believe me, you were the ones that took out the troops. ... When they formed, this is something that never should have happened. It should have never happened. Now, you're talking about taking out ISIS. But you were there, and you were secretary of state when it was a little infant. Now it's in over 30 countries. And you're going to stop them? I don't think so. * I think the best person in her [Clinton's] campaign is mainstream media. * The single greatest problem the world has is nuclear armament, nuclear weapons, not global warming, like you think and your -- your president thinks. ====October 2016==== * I'd never withdraw. I've never withdrawn in my life. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/amid-growing-calls-to-drop-out-trump-vows-to-never-withdraw/2016/10/08/8c0b5b7a-8d68-11e6-bff0-d53f592f176e_story.html?postshare=8561475940907652&tid=ss_tw phone call to the Washington Post] (8 October 2016) * So important that you get out and vote. So important that you watch other communities, because we don't want this election stolen from us. We don't want this election stolen from us. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/10/11/donald-trump-unplugged-as-ever/ Transcript of speech] at [[wikipedia:Ambridge, Pennsylvania|Ambridge, Pennsylvania]] (October 10, 2016) * '''Donald Trump''': Now, he's supposed to look like Donald Trump, but he's actually much too good looking. ''[to toddler]'' You are really handsome... Do you want to go back to [your parents] or do you want to stay with Donald Trump?<br>'''Toddler''': Trump. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snou8qrElnM Little Trump Look-Alike Comes on Stage with Donald in Wilkes-Barre 10/10/16], [[wikipedia:Right Side Broadcasting Network|Right Side Broadcasting]], ''YouTube''. Quoted in [http://people.com/politics/donald-trump-meets-his-mini-me-at-pennsylvania-rally/ "Donald Trump Meets His Mini-Me at Pennsylvania Rally"] by Dave Quinn, ''People.com'' (October 11, 2016). * Hillary Clinton meets in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of U.S. sovereignty in order to enrich these global financial powers, her special interest friends and her donors. * Honestly, she should be locked up. She should be. Should be locked up. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/14/us/politics/trump-comments-linked-to-antisemitism.html at a rally in West Palm Beach, Florida] (October 13, 2016) * She [Clinton] walks in front of me, she walks in front of me, you know. And when she walked in front of me, believe me I wasn't impressed. * Reporters at [[The New York Times]] are not journalists. They're corporate lobbyists for [[Carlos Slim Helú|Carlos Slim]] and Hillary Clinton. * Believe me: She [one of the women accusing him of sexual assault] would not be my first choice, that I can tell you. ** [http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/14/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-appearance-debate/ at a rally in Greensboro, N.C.] Also quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/15/us/politics/trump-speech-highlights.html Donald Trump's Barrage of Heated Rhetoric Has Little Precedent] (October 14, 2016) * Our movement is about replacing a failed and corrupt - and when I say corrupt, I'm talking about totally corrupt - political establishment [Obamacare] with a new government controlled by you, the American people. There is nothing the political establishment will not do. No lie that they won't tell to hold their prestige and power at your expense and that's what's been happening. The Washington establishment and the financial and media corporations that funded exist for only one reason: to protect and enrich itself. The establishment has trillions of dollars at stake in this election. As an example, just one single trade deal they'd like to pass involves trillions of dollars controlled by many countries, corporations, and lobbyists. For those who controlled the levels of power in Washington, and for the global special interests, they partner with these people that don't have your good in mind. Our campaign represents a true existential threat like they haven't seen before. ** At a campaign rally in Florida (13 October 2016) * No, no, lot of things are going on folks, lot of things. I think she's actually getting pumped up, if you want to know the truth, she's getting pumped up, you understand? In fact we're going to be talking about that in a few minutes. She's getting pumped up for Wednesday night. Let's see. You know, I don't know, maybe, we're like athletes, right? Hey, look, I beat seventeen senators, governors, I beat all these people, we're like athletes. Hillary beat Bernie, although it looks like Bernie got a little bit of a bad deal based on Wikileaks, right? If you look at Wikileaks. But we're like athletes, right? So athletes, they're making them more and more, but athletes, they make them take a drug test, right? I think we should take a drug test prior to the debate, I do. I think we should, why don't we do that? We should take a drug test, prior, because I don't know what's going on with her. But at the beginning of her last debate, she was all pumped up at the beginning, and at the end it was like, "Uh, take me down." She could barely reach her car. So I think we should take a drug test, I'm, er, anyway I'm willing to do it. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mE7YkeasOA At a rally in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, about his rival Hillary Clinton's performance during the presidential debates] (15 October 2016) * Such a nasty woman. [of Hillary Clinton] ** Third Presidential debate (19 October 2016), [http://fortune.com/2016/10/19/presidential-debate-third-transcript/ full transcript] at ''[[wikipedia:Fortune (magazine)|fortune.com]]''. * I would like to promise and pledge to all of my voters and supporters and to all of the people of the United States that I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election, ''if I win''. ** 20 October 2016, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-10-20 |title=Donald Trump: 'I will totally accept' election results 'if I win' |author=Jeremy Diamond |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2016/10/20/politics/donald-trump-i-will-totally-accept-election-results-if-i-win/index.html}} * These events give not only the candidates a chance to be with each other in a very social setting; it also allows the candidates the opportunity to meet the other candidate's team — good team. I know Hillary met my campaign manager, and I got the chance to meet the people who are working so hard to get her elected. There they are — the heads of NBC, CNN, CBS, ABC — there's the New York Times, right over there, and the Washington Post. They're working overtime. True. True. Oh, this one’s going to get me in trouble. ** Al Smith charity dinner speech, 20 October 2016 *Hillary is so corrupt, she got kicked off the Watergate commission. **Al Smith charity dinner speech, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-us-2016-37724391 20 October 2016] * I'm going to fight for every American in every last part of this nation. We have a president who doesn't fight. He goes out and plays golf all the time. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] October 23 rally *She didn't know what to do, well how did you get him, uh well uh... they were sent by Russia! You know they're always using Russia **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smKITCJJMnc&t=18m30s October 25, 2016 rally in Sanford] regarding [[Donna Brazile]] * And I have to give the [[Federal Bureau of Investigation|FBI]] credit, that was so bad, what happened, originally, and it took guts for [[James Comey|Director Comey]] to make the move that he made, in light of the kind of opposition he had, with their trying to protect her from criminal prosecution, you know that. It took a lot of guts, I really disagreed with him, I was not his fan, but I'll tell you what, what he did, he brought back his reputation, he brought it back. He's got to hang tough, because there's a lot of, lotta people, want him to do the wrong thing, what he did was the right thing. ** [http://edition.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/10/31/donald-trump-james-comey-has-guts-grand-rapids-sot.cnn At a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan] shortly after Comey announced the FBI would investigate further emails relating to Hillary Clinton, but before his statement that no incriminating information was found within them (31 October 2016) =====Second presidential debate (October 9, 2016)===== <small>[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/10/us/politics/transcript-second-debate.html Transcript], ''{{w|New York Times}}''</small> * '''[[Anderson Cooper]]''': You bragged that you have [[Sexual assault|sexually assaulted]] women. Do you understand that?<br>'''Donald Trump''': No, I didn't say that at all. I don't think you understood what was — this was locker room talk. * I have great respect for women. Nobody has more respect for women than I do. * ...if I win, I am going to instruct my attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your [Hilary Clinton's] situation, because there has never been so many lies, so much deception. There has never been anything like it, and we're going to have a special prosecutor. * '''Hillary Clinton''': ...it's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge of the law in our country.<br>'''Donald Trump''': Because you'd be in jail. * '''Cooper''': Please allow her to respond. She didn't talk while you talked.<br>'''Clinton''': Yes, that's true, I didn't.<br>'''Trump''': Because you have nothing to say. * '''[[wikipedia:Martha Raddatz|Martha Raddatz]]''': ...you, Secretary Clinton, purportedly say you need both a public and private position on certain issues....<br>'''Clinton''': As I recall, that was something I said about [[Abraham Lincoln]] after having seen [[Lincoln (2012 film)|the wonderful Steven Spielberg movie]] ...<br>'''Trump''': Now she's blaming the lie on the late, great Abraham Lincoln. That's one that I haven't... OK, Honest Abe, Honest Abe never lied. That's the good thing. That's the big difference between Abraham Lincoln and you. That's a big, big difference. We're talking about some difference. * I know nothing about Russia. I know — I know about Russia, but I know nothing about the inner workings of Russia. * '''Cooper''': Did you use that $916 million loss to avoid paying personal federal income taxes for years?<br>'''Trump''': Of course I do. Of course I do. And so do all of her donors, or most of her donors. ... I pay tremendous numbers of taxes. I absolutely used it. And so did Warren Buffett and so did George Soros and so did many of the other people that Hillary is getting money from. * ...NAFTA, signed by her husband, is perhaps the greatest disaster trade deal in the history of the world. ====November 2016==== * I'm also honored to have the greatest temperament that anybody has. ** Quoted by {{citation | author=Sam Stein | date=2016-11-03 |title=Donald Trump Is Honored To Have The Greatest Temperament, Donald Trump Says | periodical=Huffington Post | url=https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-temperament_n_581b75d3e4b0b8e11a135eac}} * Our movement is about replacing a failed and corrupt political establishment with a new government controlled by you, the American people. The establishment has trillions of dollars at stake in this election. For those who control the levers of power in Washington and for the global special interests, they partner with these people that don't have your good in mind. The political establishment that is trying to stop us is the same group responsible for our disastrous trade deals, massive illegal immigration and economic and foreign policies that have bled our country dry. The political establishment has brought about the destruction of our factories and our jobs as they flee to Mexico, China and other countries all around the world. It's a global power structure that is responsible for the economic decisions that have robbed our working class, stripped our country of its wealth and put that money into the pockets of a handful of large corporations and political entities. The only thing that can stop this corrupt machine is you. The only force strong enough to save our country is us. The only people brave enough to vote out this corrupt establishment is you, the American people. I'm doing this for the people and the movement and we will take back this country for you and we will make America great again. I'm Donald Trump and I approve this message. ** Closing argument for America (4 November 2016) *** Lines recycled from Trump's campaign rally in West Palm Beach, FL (10/13/2016) * No dream is too big, no challenge is too great. Nothing we want for our future is beyond our reach. America will no longer settle for anything less than the best. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/10/us/politics/trump-speech-transcript.html Victory Speech] (9 November 2016) * I think I'm a sober person. I think the press tries to make you into something a little bit different. In my case, a little bit of a wild man, I'm not, I'm actually not. I'm a very sober person. ** During an interview on 60 Minutes (11 November 2016) =====''New York Times'' Interview (November 23, 2016)===== : <small>''{{w|New York Times}}'' Interview, [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/us/politics/trump-new-york-times-interview-transcript.html?smid=tw-share Transcript] (November 23, 2016)</small> * People are giving up tremendous careers in order to be subject to you folks and subject to a lot of other folks. But they're giving up a lot. I mean some are giving up tremendous businesses in order to sit for four or maybe eight or whatever the period of time is. But I think we're going to see some tremendous talent, tremendous talent coming in. We have many people for every job. I mean no matter what the job is, we have many incredible people. I think, [[wikipedia:Reince Priebus|Reince]], you can sort of just confirm that. The quality of the people is very good. ... We're trying very hard to get the best people. Not necessarily people that will be the most politically correct people, because that hasn't been working. So we have really experts in the field. Some are known and some are not known, but they're known within their field as being the best. That's very important to me. * I think the popular vote would have been easier in a true sense because you'd go to a few places. I think that's the genius of the [[w:United States Electoral College|Electoral College]]. I was never a fan of the Electoral College until now. * What we do want to do is we want to bring the country together, because the country is very, very divided, and that's one thing I did see, big league. It's very, very divided, and I'm going to work very hard to bring the country together. * I want to move forward, I don't want to move back. And I don't want to hurt the Clintons. I really don't. She went through a lot. And suffered greatly in many different ways. And I am not looking to hurt them at all. The campaign was vicious. They say it was the most vicious primary and the most vicious campaign. I guess, added together, it was definitely the most vicious; probably, I assume you sold a lot of newspapers. ... It's just not something that I feel very strongly about. ... I'm not looking to look back and go through this. This was a very painful period. This was a very painful election with all of the email things and all of the foundation things and all of the everything that they went through and the whole country went through. This was a very painful period of time. ** About not prosecuting Hillary Clinton. * Our country's really in bad, big trouble. We have a lot of trouble. A lot of problems. And one of the big problems, I talk about, [[divisiveness]]. I think that a lot of people will appreciate … I'm not doing it for that reason. I'm doing it because it's time to go in a different direction. * '''Clean air is vitally important. Clean water, crystal clean water is vitally important. Safety is vitally important.''' * Sometimes I'll say I'm actually an [[environmentalist]] and people will smile in some cases and other people that know me understand that's true. Open mind. * We're not a competitive nation with other nations anymore. We have to make ourselves competitive. We're not competitive for a lot of reasons. That's becoming more and more of the reason. Because a lot of these countries that we do business with, they make deals with our president, or whoever, and then they don't adhere to the deals, you know that. And it's much less expensive for their companies to produce products. So I'm going to be studying that very hard, and I think I have a very big voice in it. And I think my voice is listened to, especially by people that don't believe in it. And we'll let you know. * As far as the, you know, potential conflict of interests, though, I mean I know that from the standpoint, the law is totally on my side, meaning, the president can't have a conflict of interest. That's been reported very widely. Despite that, I don't want there to be a conflict of interest anyway. And the laws, the president can't. And I understand why the president can't have a conflict of interest now because everything a president does in some ways is like a conflict of interest. * I don't care about my company. ... Because it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters to me is running our country. * It's hard to explain. I don't care about anything having to do with anything having to do with anything other than the country. * In theory I could run my business perfectly, and then run the country perfectly. And there's never been a case like this where somebody's had, like, if you look at other people of wealth, they didn't have this kind of asset and this kind of wealth, frankly. It's just a different thing. * I've known [[Steve Bannon]] a long time. If I thought he was a [[Racism in the United States|racist]], or [[alt-right]], or any of the things that we can, you know, the terms we can use, I wouldn't even think about hiring him. First of all, I'm the one that makes the decision, not Steve Bannon or anybody else. * To me more important is taking care of the people that really have proven to be, to love Donald Trump, as opposed to the political people. And frankly if the political people don't take care of these people, they're not going to win and you're going to end up with maybe a total different kind of government than what you're looking at right now. These people are really angry. They're smart, they're workers, and they're angry. I call them the forgotten men and women. And I use that in speeches, I say they're the forgotten people — they were totally forgotten. * I would love to be able to be the one that made peace with Israel and the Palestinians. I would love that, that would be such a great achievement. Because nobody's been able to do it. ... I've had a lot of, actually, great Israeli businesspeople tell me, you can't do that, it's impossible. I disagree, I think you can make peace. I think people are tired now of being shot, killed. At some point, when do they come? I think we can do that. I have reason to believe I can do that. * [[The Times]] is, it's a great, great American jewel. A world jewel. ====December 2016==== * There is no global anthem, no global [[currency]], no certificate of global [[citizenship]], we pledge allegiance to one flag and that flag is the [[Flag of the United States|American Flag]]! ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBqIUF-cdgY#t=15m38s Thank You Tour - Cincinnati, Ohio] (1 December 2016) * Funny how that term caught on, isn't it? I tell everyone, I hated it. Somebody said 'drain the swamp' and I said, 'Oh, that is so hokey. That is so terrible.' I said, all right, I'll try it. So like a month ago I said 'drain the swamp' and the place went crazy. And I said 'Whoa, what's this?' Then I said it again. And then I start saying it like I meant it, right? And then I started to love it, and the place loved it. Drain the swamp. It's true. It's true. Drain the swamp. ** [http://www.cnbc.com/2016/12/21/trump-adviser-says-he-is-ditching-drain-the-swamp.html During a rally in Des Moines, Iowa] (December 2016) * We will pursue a new foreign policy that finally learns from the mistakes of the past. We will stop looking to topple regimes and overthrow governments. ... Our goal is stability, not chaos, because we want to rebuild our country. It's time. ** Speaking at U.S. Bank Arena, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-12-01 |title=Trump's new foreign policy: 'We will stop looking to topple regimes' |author=Anna Giaritelli |periodical={{w|Washington Examiner}} |url=http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trumps-new-foreign-policy-we-will-stop-looking-to-topple-regimes/article/2608687}} ===2017=== {| style="float:center; background:none;border: 1px solid silver;{{Border-radius|35px}}; margin:15px; background-color:#F6F6F6;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" |- |<div id="articlecount" style="width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:105%;"> 20 January 2017 [[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|20px]] - Donald Trump's presidency began</div> |- |} {{main|First presidency of Donald Trump}} * '''Reporter:''' Would a reasonable observer say that you are potentially vulnerable to blackmail by Russia or by its [[Espionage|intelligence]] agencies?<br>'''Trump:''' Lemme just tell you what I do. When I leave our country, I'm a very high-profile person, would you say? I am extremely careful. I'm surrounded by bodyguards. I'm surrounded by people. And I always tell them—anywhere, but I always tell them if I'm leaving this country, "Be very careful, because in your hotel rooms and no matter where you go, you're gonna probably have cameras." I'm not referring just to Russia, but I would certainly put them in that category. And number one, "I hope you're gonna be good anyway. But in those rooms, you have cameras in the strangest places. Cameras that are so small with modern technology, you can't see them and you won't know. You better be careful, or you'll be watching yourself on nightly television." I tell this to people all the time. I was in Russia years ago, with the Miss Universe contest, which did very well—Moscow, the Moscow area did very, very well. And I told many people, "Be careful, because you don't wanna see yourself on television. Cameras all over the place."<br>And again, not just Russia, all over. Does anyone really believe that story? I'm also very much of a germaphobe, by the way, believe me. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/11/us/politics/trump-press-conference-transcript.html, Donald Trump Press Conference at Trump Tower] (11 January 2017) * People don't realize, you know, the [[American Civil War|Civil War]], if you think about it, why? ** [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/trump-why-couldn-t-civil-war-have-been-avoided-n753241 Trump: Why Couldn't the Civil War Have Been Avoided?] (May 1, 2017) ===2019=== * ''Q:'' Does the buck stop with you over this shutdown?<br />''Trump:'' The buck stops with everybody. **[https://theweek.com/speedreads/816895/president-trump-buck-stops-everybody January 10, 2019] * I just feel like a young man. I’m so young. I can’t believe it. I’m the youngest person. I am a young, vibrant man. I look at Joe — I don’t know about him. I don’t know. I would never say anyone is too old, but I know they’re all making me look very young, both in terms of age and I think in terms of energy. I think you people know that better than anybody. **[https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-marine-one-departure-40/ April 26, 2019] *The Jews always flip. **attested to by Michael Wolff [https://forward.com/fast-forward/425037/trump-jews-always-flip-michael-wolff-michael-cohen-david-pecker/ 28 May 2019] * Our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do. ** Trump was describing battles in 1775, as quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/48885319 Trump blames 'airports' gaffe on teleprompter] *The kidney has a very special place in the heart. **[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2019/jul/11/the-kidney-has-a-very-special-place-in-the-heart-says-donald-trump-video 11 July 2019] ===2020=== ====January 2020==== * <!--[00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&t=0s): Tesla's now worth more than GM and Ford; do you have comments on Elon Musk? --><!-- [00:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&t=4s):--> Well, you have to give [[Elon Musk|him]] credit. I spoke to him very recently, and he's also doing the rockets, he likes rockets, and he does good at rockets too, by the way. I never saw… where [[w:Falcon 9 first-stage booster|the engines]] come down with no wings, no anything, [[w:Falcon 9 first-stage landings|and they're landing]]. I've said I've never seen that before. <!--[00:19](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&t=19s):--> And I was worried about him, because he's one of our great geniuses, and we have to protect our genius. We have to protect [[Thomas Edison]], we have to protect all of these people that came up originally with the [[w:light bulb|light bulb]], and the [[w:wheel|wheel]], and all of these things. And he's one of our very smart people, and we want to cherish those people, that's very important. But he's done a very good job. <!--[00:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&t=41s):--> Shocking, how well, …how it's come so fast. You go back a year, and they were talking about the end of [[w:Tesla, Inc.|the company]] and all of a sudden they're talking about these great things. He's going to be building [[w:Gigafactory|a very big plant]] in the United States. He has to. Because we help him, so he has to help us. ** on [[Elon Musk]], [[Tesla]], and [[SpaceX]] after Tesla stock valuation beat [[w:General Motors|General Motors]] and [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] combined ** {{citation|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ|title=Trump on Elon Musk: I was worried about him, because he's one of our great geniuses|interviewer=[[w:Joe Kernen|Joe Kernen]]|date=2020-01-22|work=CNBC Television|via=Youtube|location=[[w:World Economic Forum|World Economic Forum]], [[w:Davos|Davos]], Switzerland}} ====February 2020==== * There are a lot of dishonest slimeballs out there. Dishonest scum. Dirty cops, lot of dirty cops … the ones on top, they were absolute scum. ** Trump described former senior law enforcement officials who were involved in the FBI probes into his campaign, as quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-20|title=Trump repeatedly struggles to pronounce words during conspiracy-laden rally, before suggesting he'll pardon Roger Stone in late-night tweet |author=Tom Embury-Dennis |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-rally-twitter-roger-stone-sentence-pardon-2020-election-rally-phoenix-arizona-a9345956.html}} * Can we get like ''[[Gone with the Wind (film)|Gone with the Wind]]'' back, please? ''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'', so many great movies. ** [https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/trump-slams-oscar-winning-south-korean-film-parasite-praises-gone-with-the-wind/videoshow/74251536.cms] ** [https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/trump-slams-oscar-winning-south-korean-film-parasite-praises-gone-with-the-wind/videoshow/74251536.cms Trump slams Oscar-winning South Korean film 'Parasite', praises 'Gone with the Wind']video posted February 22, 2020 ====March 2020==== :See also: ::'''''[[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States]]''''' * I know South Korea better than anybody, it's a very tight — do you know how many people are in Seoul? Do you know how big the city of Seoul is? 38 million people. That's bigger than anything we have. ** Trump talking about Seoul, which is a city with 10 million people according to the city government's English language website. As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-03-30 |title=Trump tried to flex by asking a reporter about the population of Seoul. Then he got it wrong by 28 million. |author=Jake Lahut |periodical=Business Insider |url=https://www.businessinsider.com/coronavirus-trump-got-the-population-of-seoul-wrong-by-millions-2020-3?r=US&IR=T}} ====April 2020==== * It's called "[[social media]]." It's social media. It gets out. I have, you know, hundreds of millions of people. Number one on [[Facebook]]. Did you know I was number one on Facebook? I mean, I just found out I'm number one on Facebook. I thought that was very nice for whatever it means. No, it represents something. And when I can explain to people: Just don't do it. You know, it's going to be bad if you do it. It's going to be really bad. And they don't need to do it. They have enough problems. [[Iran]] has enough problems without doing that. But we’ve been pulling back very substantially over the last year, in [[Iraq]]. And so, you know, that's the way it is. ** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-04-01}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-01 |title=Remarks by President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Members of the Coronavirus Task Force in Press Briefing |author=James S. Brady |periodical=White House |url=https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-vice-president-pence-members-coronavirus-task-force-press-briefing-16/}}. ** Note: At April 1, [https://web.archive.org/web/20200401020635if_/https://www.facebook.com/DonaldTrump/ Trump's official page], with 26.8 million likes and 28.5 million followers, was not among the [[w:List of most-followed Facebook pages|most-followed Facebook pages]]. At January 6, speaking on [[Rush Limbaugh]]'s radio show Trump stated that [[Mark Zuckerberg]] told him that he was "number one on Facebook", claim that was not refuted by Facebook as reported in ''[https://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/trump-mark-zuckerberg-facebook_n_5e12e125e4b0843d3615393f Trump Claims Mark Zuckerberg Told Him He's 'Number One On Facebook']'' (January 8, 2020) by Josephine Harvey, ''{{w|HuffPost Australia}}'' ====May 2020==== *I have not touched my face in a week. **[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-face-touching-video-proof_n_5e601ac1c5b6985ec91abce1] ====August 2020==== * I read a lot. I comprehend extraordinarily well. Probably better than anybody you’ve interviewed in a long time, ** As quoted by {{citation | author=Aaron Rupar | date=2020-08-03 |title=“They are dying. That’s true. It is what it is.” Trump’s Axios interview was a disaster. | periodical=VOX | url=https://www.vox.com/2020/8/4/21354055/trump-axios-interview-jonathan-swan}} * I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know. I don't know John Lewis. He chose not to come to my inauguration. He chose -- I don't -- I never met John Lewis actually, I don't believe. ** Trump was responding to how civil rights icon John Lewis will be remembered, as quoted by {{citation | author=Tyler Olson | date=2020-08-03 |title=Trump withholds praise for John Lewis, notes he 'didn't come to my inauguration'| periodical=Fox News| url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-john-lewis-inauguration}} * Yeah, I wish her well. * But I wish her well. * I do wish her well. ** Said about [[Ghislaine Maxwell]], quoted in [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/08/04/trump-well-wishes-ghislaine-maxwell-391274 "Trump doubles down on well-wishes for alleged sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell"] ''Politico'' (August 4, 2020) * So showerheads — you take a shower, the water doesn’t come out. You want to wash your hands, the water doesn’t come out. So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer? Because my hair — I don’t know about you, but it has to be perfect. Perfect. ** Quoted by {{citation | author=Debbie White, Jon Rogers, Fionnuala O'Leary | date=2020-08-12 |title=US proposes change to shower rules after President’s hair-washing complaint | periodical=The SUN | url=https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/12369436/donald-trump-latest-news-live-updates/}} * Don't buy GOODYEAR TIRES - They announced a BAN ON MAGA HATS. Get better tires for far less! (This is what the Radical Left Democrats do. Two can play the same game, and we have to start playing it now!) ** Quoted by {{citation | author=Betsy Klein | date=2020-08-19 |title=Trump 'cancels' Goodyear tires as he campaigns against 'cancel culture' | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/19/politics/trump-goodyear-cancel-culture/index.html}} * I don't know much about the movement other than I understand they like me very much, which I appreciate ** Said about the [[QAnon]] group, as quoted by {{citation | author=Kevin Liptak | date=2020-08-20 |title=Trump embraces QAnon conspiracy because 'they like me' | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/19/politics/donald-trump-qanon/index.html}} * If Jesus came down and was the vote counter, I would win California. ** [https://www.foxla.com/news/trump-tells-dr-phil-he-would-have-won-california-2020-jesus-was-counting-votes "Trump tells Dr. Phil he would have won California in 2020 if Jesus 'was the vote counter'"] ''Fox 11 Los Angeles'' (August 30, 2024) ====September 2020==== * CNN reported that I had a heart attack. ** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-09-03 |title=Even Fox News is choosing not to cover Trump's rallies in full, but his falsehoods are still eye-popping |author=Brian Stelter | periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/04/media/donald-trump-pennsylvania-reliable-sources/index.html}} * I don't think [[science]] knows, actually. * It'll start getting cooler. You just watch. ** Trump described his stance on [[Scientific consensus on climate change|climate science]] and [[global warming]], as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-14 | title=Trump baselessly questions climate science during California wildfire briefing | author= Maegan Vazquez | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/14/politics/donald-trump-wildfires-briefing-climate-change/index.html}} * Critical race theory, the 1619 Project, and the crusade against American history is toxic propaganda, ideological poison that, if not removed, will dissolve the civic bonds that tie us together. It will destroy our country. ** [https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-white-house-conference-american-history/ Remarks by President Trump at the White House Conference on American History] (17 September 2020) *She just died? Wow. I didn't know that. You are telling me now for the first time. She led an amazing life. What else can you say? Whether you agreed or not, she was an amazing woman who led an amazing life. I am actually sad to hear that. **[https://deadline.com/2020/09/donald-trump-ruth-bader-ginsburg-1234579988/ On the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg] (18 September 2020) * Can you believe it, in one week they nominated me, not for one, but for two Nobel prizes. But you know, you have a president, you love your president, and your president gets honored, because I’m not being honored, you’re being honored with the Nobel Peace Prize, for Israel, what we did with Israel. ** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-19 | title=Trump’s Nobel Nonsense | author= Robert Farley | periodical=FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trumps-nobel-nonsense/}} * I’m the only man that got nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and I didn’t get any press. They wouldn’t. For two of them. Last week, I’m not bragging about it. ** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-21 | title=Trump’s Nobel Nonsense | author= Robert Farley | periodical=FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trumps-nobel-nonsense/}} * The stated goal of BLM people is to achieve the destruction of the nuclear family, abolish the police, abolish prisons, abolish border security, abolish [[capitalism]] and abolish school choice. ** Claimed about the Black Lives Matter movement, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-25 | title=Donald Trump launches blistering attack on the Black Lives Matter movement | author= Graeme Massie | periodical=Independent.co.uk | url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/donald-trump-rally-today-blm-black-lives-matter-b604727.html}} * Totally fake news ** [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/09/27/trump-calls-nyt-tax-report-totally-fake-news-422330Trump responding] to the NYT report on the alleged tax avoidance by Donald Trump * [[Steve Jobs]] would not be happy that his wife is wasting money he left her on a failing Radical Left Magazine that is run by a con man (Goldberg) and spews FAKE NEWS & HATE. Call her, write her, let her know how you feel!!! ** [[Trump]] in [https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/06/business/donald-trump-laurene-powell-jobs/?iid=ob_lockedrail_longstory_pool Trump attacks the sixth-richest woman in the world for her ties to] [[w:The Atlantic|The Atlantic]] on September 6, 2020 ====October 2020==== * I think this was a blessing from God that I caught it. It was a blessing in disguise. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=Trump returns to Oval Office and says coronavirus diagnosis was 'blessing from God' | author=Kevin Liptak | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/07/politics/trump-oval-office-coronavirus/index.html}} * I'll walk into that audience. I'll walk in there, I'll kiss everyone in that audience. I'll kiss the guys and the beautiful women and the -- everybody. I'll just give everybody a big, fat kiss. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-12 |title=Trump mocks virus as he launches potential superspreader sprint to win reelection | author=Stephen Collinson | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/13/politics/donald-trump-election-2020-campaign/index.html}} * They say he was born in Scranton, but he left, he left. He abandoned you. ** Trump referred back to when [[Joe Biden]] was 10 years old and the family moved from Pennsylvania to Delaware because his father started in a new job, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-14 |title=Fact check: Trump continues dishonesty bombardment at Pennsylvania rally | author=Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/14/politics/fact-check-trump-rally-johnstown-pennsylvania/index.html}} * That was an opinion of somebody and that was a retweet. I’ll put it out there. People can decide for themselves. ** Trump explained why he retweeted a claim that Osama bin Laden’s killing was staged and that members of Navy SEAL Team 6 had been killed to cover it up. Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-16 |title=Column: Trump and Biden town halls showed us two worlds, and only one of them is terrifying | author=Rex Huppke | periodical=Chicago Tribune| url=https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/rex-huppke/ct-trump-biden-town-hall-qanon-rogers-calm-election-polls-huppke-20201016-3oke7rhwhbdrfcshgbnpqmimbe-story.html}} * Would you like a nice low-income housing project next to your suburban beautiful ranch style house? Generally speaking, no. I saved your suburbs -- <b>women -- suburban women, you're supposed to love Trump.</b> ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-17 |title=Trump continues bizarre appeals to suburban women as he campaigns in Covid hotspots | author=Maeve Reston| periodical=CNN| url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/18/politics/donald-trump-women-gretchen-whitmer/index.html}} ===2021=== {| style="float:center; background:none;border: 1px solid silver;{{Border-radius|35px}}; margin:15px; background-color:#F6F6F6;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" |- |<div id="articlecount" style="width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:105%;"> 20 January 2021 [[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|20px]] - End of presidency </div> |- |} ====February 2021==== * The [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]] can never again be respected or strong with political “leaders” like Sen. [[Mitch McConnell]] at its helm. McConnell’s dedication to business as usual, status quo policies, together with his lack of political insight, wisdom, skill, and personality, has rapidly driven him from Majority Leader to Minority Leader, and it will only get worse. The Democrats and [[Chuck Schumer]] play McConnell like a fiddle—they’ve never had it so good—and they want to keep it that way! We know our America First agenda is a winner, not McConnell’s Beltway First agenda or Biden’s America Last. * It was a complete election disaster in Georgia, and certain other swing states. McConnell did nothing, and will never do what needs to be done in order to secure a fair and just electoral system into the future. He doesn’t have what it takes, never did, and never will. * Mitch is a dour, sullen, and unsmiling political hack, and if Republican Senators are going to stay with him, they will not win again. He will never do what needs to be done, or what is right for our Country. ** [https://www.politico.com/f/?id=00000177-ad2a-d713-a777-edee3b100000 Statement by Donald J. Trump, February 16, 2021] ====March 2021==== * Do you miss me yet? Do you miss me? * Mr. McLaughlin just gave me numbers that nobody's ever heard of before, more popular than anybody. That's all of us. It's all of us. * We won the election twice. I mean, you know, think about it ... * But who knows? Who knows? I may even decide to beat them for a third time, OK? For a third time. * This election was rigged. And the Supreme Court and other courts didn't want to do anything about it. * And the only people that should be allowed to vote by mail are people that can be proven to be either very sick or out of the country or military where they can't do it. One day. * And then a Republican president will make a triumphant return to the White House. And I wonder who that will be. I wonder who that will be. Who, who, who will that be, I wonder? ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-01 | author = Chris Cillizza | title = The 50 most ridiculous lines from Donald Trump's CPAC speech | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/01/politics/donald-trump-cpac-speech/index.html |publisher=CNN}} * Karl Rove has been losing for years, except for himself. * He's a RINO of the highest order, who came to the Oval Office lobbying for 5G for him and a group. * He's a pompous fool with bad advice and always has an agenda. * If the Republican Party is going to be successful, they're going to have to stop dealing with the likes of Karl Rove and just let him float away, or retire, like Liddle' Bob Corker, Jeff 'Flakey' Flake, and others like Toomey of Pennsylvania, who will soon follow. * 31 million people listened to my CPAC speech online, and it had among the largest television audience of the week, even though it was on cable at 4pm on Sunday afternoon. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-05 | author = Chris Cillizza | title = The 17 most outlandish lines from Donald Trump's attack on Karl Rove | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/05/politics/donald-trump-karl-rove-2020-election/index.html |publisher=CNN}} * I will not be endorsing, under any circumstances, the failed candidate from the great State of Alaska, [[w:Lisa Murkowski|Lisa Murkowski]]. She represents her state badly and her country even worse. I do not know where other people will be next year, but I know where I will be — in Alaska campaigning against a disloyal and very bad Senator. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-06 | author = Alex Isenstadt | title = Trump vows to campaign against 'disloyal' Murkowski | url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/06/trump-lisa-murkowski-2022-474028 |publisher=Politico}} * No more money for RINOS. They do nothing but hurt the Republican Party and our great voting base--they will never lead us to Greatness. Send your donation to Save America PAC at DonaldJTrump.com. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-10 | author = Michael Warren, Fredreka Schouten, Eric Bradner | title = Trump's clash with GOP over using his name in fundraising ignites midterm worries | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/10/politics/trump-republican-fundraising-midterms/index.html |publisher=CNN}} * I would recommend it, and I would recommend it to a lot of people that don't want to get it and a lot of those people voted for me, frankly. But again, we have our freedoms and we have to live by that and I agree with that also. But it is a great vaccine. It is a safe vaccine and it is something that works. ** On the COVID-19 vaccine. Quoted by {{citation|date=2021-3-16|author=Meredith McGraw|title=Trump encourages Americans to get the Covid vaccine|publisher=Politico|url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/16/trump-americans-covid-vaccine-476479}} * <i> About the {{w|2021 storming of the United States Capitol}}:</i> It was zero threat, right from the start, it was zero threat. Look, they went in, they shouldn't have done it. Some of them went in, and they are hugging and kissing the police and the guards, you know, they had great relationships. A lot of the people were waved in, and then they walked in and they walked out. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-26 | author = Veronica Stracqualursi | title = Trump lies about Capitol riot by claiming his supporters were 'hugging and kissing' cops | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/26/politics/donald-trump-january-6-rioters-arrests/index.html |publisher=CNN}} * And China, the same thing, they never treated us that way, right? You saw what happened a few days ago, was terrible, and uh, the border is not good, the border is the worst anybody’s ever seen it, and what you see now, multiply it times 10, Jim — he’s the only one I know who would handle the border tougher than me. We have to, and the tough is…in the most humanitarian way, because that’s what it is. What’s happening to the kids, they’re living in squalor, they are living like nobody has ever seen anybody, there’s never been anything like what’s, and you’re gonna have hundreds, and you have it now, they have the airplane photos, the shocks, and they call ’em shocks, and these things are showing thousands and thousands of people coming up from South America and it’s gonna be, it’s just uh, look, it’s a disaster. It’s a humanitarian disaster from their standpoint, and it’s gonna destroy the country, and frankly, the country can’t afford it because you’re talking about massive, just incredibly massive amounts. Our school systems, our hospital systems, everything. ** Wedding toast, quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Bess Levin | title = Of course Donald Trump crashed a wedding a gave a rambling, incoherent speech about Biden, Iran and China | url=https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2021/03/donald-trump-mar-a-lago-wedding-speech |publisher=Vanity Fair}} * Based on their interviews, I felt it was time to speak up about [[Anthony Fauci|Dr. Fauci]] and Dr. Birx, two self-promoters trying to reinvent history to cover for their bad instincts and faulty recommendations, which I fortunately almost always overturned. They had bad policy decisions that would have left our country open to China and others, closed to reopening our economy, and years away from an approved vaccine — putting millions of lives at risk * Dr. Birx was a terrible medical advisor, which is why I seldom followed her advice. * I only kept Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx on because they worked for the U.S. government for so long — they are like a bad habit! ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Benjamin Din | title = Trump lashes out at Fauci and Birx after CNN documentary | url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/29/trump-fauci-birx-cnn-documentary-478422 |publisher=Politico}} * Dr. Birx is a proven liar with very little credibility left. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Brett Samuels | title = Trump targets Fauci, Birx in lengthy diatribe | url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/545472-trump-targets-fauci-birx-in-lengthy-diatribe |publisher=The Hill}} ====April 2021==== * Happy Easter to ALL, including the Radical Left CRAZIES who rigged our Presidential Election, and want to destroy our Country! ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-04-05 | author = Martin Pengelly | title = Who needs Twitter? Trump wishes happy Easter to 'radical left crazies' | url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/apr/04/trump-wishes-happy-easter-to-radical-left-crazies |publisher=The Guardian}} * I'll give you a little breaking news, [[w:Pfizer|Pfizer]] is in with the FDA. What the FDA did with [[w:Johnson & Johnson|Johnson and Johnson]] is so stupid ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20210627112356/https://www.pharmamanufacturing.com/industrynews/2021/trump-blasts-fda-for-j-and-j-vax-pause-says-pfizer-in-with-the-agency/ TV interview with Sean Hannity] * Getting out of Afghanistan is a wonderful and positive thing to do. I planned to withdraw on May 1st, and we should keep as close to that schedule as possible. ** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-biden-afghanistan-pullout-wonderful-and-positive-thing-to-do-2021-4?r=US&IR=T "Trump says Biden's plan to withdraw US troops from Afghanistan is a 'wonderful and positive thing to do'"], Business Insider, 19 April 2021 ====May 2021==== *If a thief robs a jewelry store of all of its diamonds (the 2020 Presidential Election), the diamonds must be returned. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/statement-by-donald-j-trump-45th-president-of-the-united-states-of-america-05.10.21-4 10 May 2021] *The entire Database of [[Maricopa County]] in Arizona has been DELETED! This is illegal and the Arizona State Senate, who is leading the Forensic Audit, is up in arms. Additionally, seals were broken on the boxes that hold the votes, ballots are missing, and worse. Mark Brnovich, the Attorney General of Arizona, will now be forced to look into this unbelievable Election crime. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/desk/desk-4yeh37peju/ 15 May 2021] ====June 2021==== *Congratulations to the country of [[Nigeria]], who just banned [[Twitter]] because they banned [[Muhammadu Buhari|their President]]. More COUNTRIES should ban Twitter and Facebook for not allowing free and open speech — all voices should be heard. [[Mark Zuckerberg|Zuckerberg]] kept calling me and coming to the White House for dinner telling me how great I was. ** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-more-countries-should-ban-twitter-facebook-zuckerberg-2021-6] *They may allow me back in two years. We got to stop that. We can’t let it happen. So unfair. They are shutting down an entire group of people. Not just me. They are shutting down the voice of a much more powerful and a much larger group. ** about Facebook banning him, in rally speech [https://deadline.com/2021/06/donald-trump-facebook-mark-zuckerberg-1234770087/] ====July 2021==== *The American people’s birthright of freedom must prevail against [[Big Tech]] and other forces that seek to destroy it. **7 July 2021 [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/07/07/trump-big-tech-lawsuit-498536 Politico, Trump plans class action suit against Twitter, Facebook] *Many say I am the greatest star-maker of all time. But some of the stars I produced are actually made of garbage. **[https://web.archive.org/web/20210715183933/https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/statement-by-donald-j-trump-45th-president-of-the-united-states-of-america-07.15.21-06 15 July 2021 on DonaldJTrump.com] ====August 2021==== *There is massive and unconditional evidence that the election was shattered with fraud and irregularities at a level that our Country has never seen before. Much of it is already public, and a great deal more is coming out in the very near future. Every time you read a statement that there is “no evidence of election fraud,” about the 2020 election scam, just attribute that statement to a crooked and collusive media (they work closely together with the Radical Left Democrats) that will do anything to hide the real facts of this election fiasco. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-qvb8wmvsyn0 1 August 2021] *If I were President right now, with COVID raging back, people being shot and killed in record numbers all over our cities, and the Border totally open with criminals and heavily infected COVID people pouring through our Southern Border and into our communities, the Fake News Media would be having an absolute field day. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-kyatp4nd8q0 2 August 2021] * If our soccer team, headed by a radical group of Leftist Maniacs, wasn’t woke, they would have won the Gold Medal instead of the Bronze. * Woke means you lose, everything that is woke goes bad, and our soccer team certainly has. * They should replace the wokesters with Patriots and start winning again. The woman with the purple hair played terribly and spends too much time thinking about Radical Left politics and not doing her job! ** Said about the US women's national soccer team after winning a bronze medal in the Olympic Games in Tokyo, as quoted in [https://amp.theguardian.com/football/2021/aug/05/donald-trump-uswnt-usa-soccer-olympics-bronze-megan-rapinoe-tokyo-2020 "‘Woke means you lose’: Donald Trump rails at USWNT after Olympic bronze"], The Guardian, 5 August 2021 * I have quietly said for years that Mitch McConnell is the most overrated man in politics— now I don't have to be quiet anymore. ** Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-calls-mitch-mcconnell-most-overrated-man-politics-ahead-infrastructure-vote-1617944 "Trump Calls Mitch McConnell 'Most Overrated Man in Politics' Ahead of Infrastructure Vote"], Newsweek, 10 August 2021 * I recommend: take the vaccines. I did it. It’s good. Take the vaccines. ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2021/08/22/trump-booed-at-alabama-rally-after-telling-supporters-to-get-vaccinated.html "Trump booed at Alabama rally after telling supporters to get vaccinated"], CNBC, 22 August 2021 ====September 2021==== * If they let you do your job you wouldn’t have crime in New York! * I’ve been given so much support by the people who do what you do. * We love the blue. I’ll say it loud. You know, you’re not supposed to say that. We love the blue. **[https://nypost.com/2021/09/11/trump-makes-surprise-visit-to-new-york-police-and-firefighters/ Trump makes surprise visit to New York police and firefighters on 9/11] * We’re not going to have a country left in three years, I’ll tell you that. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-predicts-america-end-002940784.html "Donald Trump Predicts America Will End Within 3 Years"], quoted by David Moye, Yahoo News, 15 September 2021 * [[w:Anthony Gonzalez (politician)|1]] down, 9 to go! ** "[https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2021/sep/17/trump-celebrates-gonzalezs-exit-1-down-9-go/ Trump celebrates Gonzalez’s exit: ‘1 down, 9 to go!’]" (September 17, 2021) * Everybody will be watching [[Arizona]] tomorrow to see what the highly respected auditors and Arizona State Senate found out regarding the so-called Election! ** "[https://www.politico.com/news/2021/09/24/arizona-review-draft-report-tally-biden-won-514088 GOP-led Arizona election review closely matches Biden's winning margin]" (September 23, 2021) ====October 2021==== * Nobody has done more for [[Christianity]] or for [[evangelicals]] — or for [[religion]] itself — than I have. ** Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-claims-nobody-has-done-more-religion-itself-him-1635036 "Donald Trump Claims Nobody Has Done More 'for Religion Itself' Than Him"], Newsweek, 2 October 2021 * the real insurrection happened on November 3rd, the Presidential Election, not on [[January 6th]]—which was a day of protesting the Fake Election results ** [https://www.npr.org/2021/10/06/1043746455/trump-continues-to-lie-says-real-insurrection-happened-when-he-lost-election Trump continues to lie, says 'real insurrection' happened when he lost election]" (October 6, 2021) * [[Republican]] [[Senators]], do not [[vote]] for this terrible deal ([[debt]] limit) being pushed by folding [[Mitch McConnell]]. Stand strong for our Country.  * The [[American]] people are with you! ** In an emailed statement "[https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/575876-trump-urged-gop-senators-to-vote-against-mcconnell-debt-deal Trump urges GOP senators to vote against McConnell debt deal]" (October 7,2021) * If we don't solve the Presidential Election Fraud of 2020 (which we have thoroughly and conclusively documented), Republicans will not be voting in '22 or '24. It is the single most important thing for Republicans to do. ** According to an MSNBC article and a short video "[https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/democrats-finally-have-reason-celebrate-one-trump-s-threats-n1281494 Democrats finally have reason to celebrate one of Trump's threats]" (October 13, 2021) * It’s so sad when you see that they are approving these windmills — worst form of energy, the most expensive. You talk about carbon emissions, well they are making them. More goes into the air than if you ran something for 30 years. * I’m not into golden showers. ** [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-touts-putin-relationship-rails-233840649.html "Trump Touts Putin Relationship, Rails About Wind Energy's 'Carbon Emissions' In Speech"], Yahoo News (October 16 2021) *I wanted to have people be ready because we were put on alert that they were going to do fruit. And some fruit is a lot worse than — tomatoes are bad by the way. **[https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21748396-trumpdepositionexcerptsefraingalicia42622/ Deposition], October 18, 2021 * After years of litigation, I was pleased to have had the opportunity to tell my side of this ridiculous story — Just one more example of baseless harassment of your favorite president ** "[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-faces-pile-civil-lawsuits-depositions-begin-n1281612 Trump faces a pile of civil lawsuits as depositions begin]" (October 18, 2021) * Wonderful to see [[Colin Powell]], who made big mistakes on Iraq and famously, so-called weapons of mass destruction, be treated in death so beautifully by the Fake News Media. Hope that happens to me someday. He was a classic RINO, if even that, always being the first to attack other Republicans. He made plenty of mistakes, but anyway, may he rest in peace! ** {{cite news|author=Chris Cillizza |url=https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/19/politics/donald-trump-colin-powell-death/index.html |title=Donald Trump (yet again) proves there's no bottom |work=cnn.com|date=October 19, 2021 |accessdate=October 19, 2021}} *We live in a world where the Taliban has a huge presence on Twitter, yet your favorite American president has been silenced **"[https://www.cnbc.com/2021/10/20/trump-announces-social-media-platform-launch-plan-spac-deal.html Trump announces social media platform launch plan, SPAC deal]" (October 20, 2021) *[[Israel]] doesn’t even control [[Congress]] anymore. **29 October 2021 per https://thepostmillennial.com/exclusive-president-donald-j-trump-speaks-to-the-post-millennial ====November 2021==== *RINOs who supported infrastructure bill should be ashamed of themselves **on Sky News Australia [[Youtube]] channel '''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZG-D0e8T0A video]''' (November 7, 2021) ====December 2021==== *He was very early. Like earlier than most. I haven’t spoken to him since. Fuck him, **10 December 2021 interview with Barak Ravid about [[Benjamin Netanyahu]] per [https://www.timesofisrael.com/fck-him-in-interview-trump-rages-at-netanyahu-over-congratulations-to-biden/ Times of Israel] * I thought the [[Palestinians]] were impossible, and the [[Israelis]] would do anything to make peace and a deal. I found that not to be true. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-i-thought-israelis-would-do-anything-for-peace-but-found-that-not-to-be-true/ Trump: I thought Israelis would do anything for peace, but found that not to be true], ''Times of Israel'' (11 December 2021) *Bibi did not want to make a deal. Even most recently, when we came up with the maps. Now I don’t know if he didn’t want to make it for political reasons, or for other reasons. I wish he would have said he didn’t want to make a deal, instead of…. Because a lot of people devoted a lot of work. But I don’t think Bibi would have ever made a deal. That’s my opinion. I think the general [Gantz] wanted to make a deal. **11 December 2021 quoted by [https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-i-thought-israelis-would-do-anything-for-peace-but-found-that-not-to-be-true/ Times of Israel] *There’s people in this country that are Jewish that no longer love Israel.<br>I’ll tell you the Evangelical Christians love Israel more than the Jews in this country.<br>It used to be that Israel had absolute power over Congress and today I think it’s the exact opposite, and I think Obama and Biden did that.<br>And yet in the election, they still get a lot of votes from Jewish people…which tells you that the Jewish people, and I’ve said this for a long time.<br>The Jewish people in the United States either don’t like Israel or don’t care about Israel.<br>I mean, you look at The New York Times, The New York Times hates Israel, hates them, and they’re Jewish people that run The New York Times, I mean the Sulzberger family. **17 December 2021 per [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2021/12/donald-trump-anti-semitism-jews-israel Vanity Fair] *I think the origins are so obvious. They came out of the Wuhan lab. And I think if anybody thinks anything differently, they’re just kidding themselves. So, you can ask — China has to pay. They have to do something. '''They have to pay reparations'''. And China doesn’t have the money to pay those reparations. I believe that worldwide — I’m not just talking United States — worldwide, '''$60 trillion of damage''', $60 trillion. China doesn’t have $60 trillion. But they have to do something to make up for what they’ve done. What they’ve done to the world is so horrible. It’s been horrible, all over the world. And it doesn’t stop. **[https://www.breitbart.com/clips/2021/12/19/trump-china-must-pay-for-covid-origins-they-have-to-pay-reparations/ 19 December 2021] * <i> About developing vaccines against Covid-19: </i> Look, we did something that was historic, we saved tens of millions of lives worldwide. We, together, all of us, not me. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/20/politics/donald-trump-booster-shot-boos/index.html "Trump met with boos after revealing he received Covid-19 booster"], CNN, 21 December 2021 * I came up with a vaccine, with three vaccines. ** [https://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/public-global-health/587079-trump-pushes-back-on-candace-owens-people-arent-dying "Trump pushes back on Candace Owens: 'People aren't dying when they take the vaccine'"], The Hill, 23 December 2021 ===2022=== ====January 2022==== * If you take [[COVID-19 vaccine|the vaccine]], you're protected. Look, the results of the vaccine are very good, and if you do get it, it's a very minor form. People aren't dying when they take the vaccine. ** 6 January 2022, interviewed by [[Candace Owens]], discussing the [[COVID-19 vaccine]]; reported in Bruce Y. Lee, "[https://www.forbes.com/sites/brucelee/2021/12/24/trump-tells-candace-owens-that-covid-19-vaccines-work-one-of-the-greatest-achievements-of-mankind/ Trump Tells Candace Owens That Covid-19 Vaccines Work: 'One Of The Greatest Achievements Of Mankind']", [[Forbes]] (Jan 6, 2022) *I ran twice and we won twice.<br>This crowd is a massive symbol of what took place, because people are hungry for the truth. They want their country back. **15 January 2022 [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2022/01/trump-arizona-rally-2024-election/621244/ via Elaine Godfrey of The Atlantic] *If I run and if I win, we will treat those people from January sixth fairly. We will treat them fairly.<br>And if it requires pardons, we will give them pardons. Because they are being treated so unfairly. **30 January 2022 [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2022/01/hope-go-jail-get-book-thrown-deserve-lindsey-graham-susan-collins-buck-trump-vow-persecute-jan-6ers/ reported by TGP] *Actually, what they are saying, is that [[Mike Pence]] did have the right to change the outcome, and they now want to take that right away. Unfortunately, he didn’t exercise that power. '''He could have overturned the election!''' **31 January 2022, at a rally in Conroe Texas, as quoted in “[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/jan/31/donald-trump-mike-pence-overturn-election Quiet part loud: Trump says Pence ‘could have overturned the election’]”, by Martin Pengelly, for ''{{w|The Guardian}}''. ====February 2022==== *I was right and everyone knows it. If there is fraud or large scale irregularities, it would have been appropriate to send those votes back to the legislatures to figure it out. **4 February 2022 per 7 February 2022 report by Reuters [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/pence-says-trump-was-wrong-that-he-could-have-overturned-2020-election-result-2022-02-04/ Pence says Trump was wrong that he could have overturned 2020 election] by Alexandra Ulmer * I went in yesterday and there was a television screen, and I said, 'This is genius.' [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] declares a big portion of the Ukraine, of [[Ukraine]], Putin declares it as independent. Oh, that's wonderful. So Putin is now saying, 'It's independent,' a large section of Ukraine. I said, 'How smart is that?' And he's going to go in and be a peacekeeper. That's the strongest peace force. We could use that on our southern border. That's the strongest peace force I've ever seen. ... Here's a guy who's very savvy. ... I know him very well. Very, very well. ** Said about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, in an interview at The Clay Travis & Buck Sexton Show, as quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/02/23/politics/donald-trump-vladimir-putin-joe-biden/index.html "Trump sides with Putin as Biden tries to stop a war"], CNN, 23 February 2022. * They say, 'Trump said Putin's smart.' I mean, he's taking over a country for two dollars' worth of [[Sanction|sanctions]]. I'd say that's pretty smart. He's taking over a country — really a vast, vast location, a great piece of land with a lot of people, and just walking right in. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/02/24/politics/donald-trump-praises-putin/index.html "Why Donald Trump can't stop praising Vladimir Putin"], CNN, 24 February 2022 ====March 2022==== *They laid down the welcome mat and gave Russia the opening, now Putin may be getting everything he wanted, with Ukraine and the rest of the World suffering the consequences. It’s terrible, but this is what you get with Biden, the Democrats, and RINO warmongers! [https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-cxhdzqwssb1663 03/01/22 ] * The vote counter is often more important than the candidate. ** [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-says-gop-needs-tougher-211714688.html "Trump says the GOP needs to get 'tougher' at the ballot box: 'The vote counter is often more important than the candidate'"], yahoo news, 6 March 2022 *Whatever happened to free speech in our Country? Incredibly, but not surprisingly, the Big Tech lunatics have taken down my interview with the very popular NELK Boys so that nobody can watch it or in any way listen to it....In Russia, the people are not allowed to know that they’re fighting a war with Ukraine, that’s where our media is going, and that’s where our Country is going because it quickly follows—just study history.We need freedom of speech again, we don’t have it and it’s getting worse every day! **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-tayryvrzzk1694 Statement by Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States of America 03/11/22] *She owes me nearly $300,000, Now all I have to do is wait for all of the money she owes me. **[https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2022/mar/21/donald-trump-crows-liberal-9th-circuit-court-seals/ Trump crows as liberal 9th Circuit seals victory over Stormy Daniels, Michael Avenatti] *I listen to him constantly using the n-word, that’s the n-word, and he’s constantly using it, the nuclear word. They didn’t attack any other countries under us. I’m the only one where that didn’t happen. And with Bush, they took Georgia, and they took Crimea with Biden and Obama. And now he said ‘to hell with it. Let’s take the whole thing'. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-putin-nuclear-n-word-b2040702.html Trump says Putin keeps using the ‘n-word’ meaning ‘nuclear’ as he claims Russian leader is ‘different’ man to one he dealt with] *Single most dangerous time for our country in history... yet you have people like John Kerry worrying about the climate! The climate! Oh, I heard that the other day. Here we are, [Russian President Vladimir Putin is] threatening us [and] he’s worried about the ocean will rise one-hundredth of one percent over the next 300 fucking’ years. **[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/28/two-stark-reminders-about-political-challenge-tackling-climate-change/ Two stark reminders about the political challenge of tackling climate change] *The Left has become so extreme that we now have a justice being nominated to the Supreme Court who testified under oath that she could not say what a woman is, And a party that's unwilling to admit that men and women are biologically different in defiance of all scientific and human history, is a party that should not be anywhere near the levers of power in the United States of America. **[https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/watch-single-most-dangerous-time-trump-blasts-climate-change-crt-and-kbj ‘Single most dangerous time’: Trump blasts climate change, CRT, and KBJ] ====April 2022==== *Happy Easter to all including the Radical Left Maniacs who are trying everything to destroy our country May they not succeed, but let them, nevertheless, be happy, healthy, wealthy and well! **[https://news.yahoo.com/biden-trump-release-very-different-202600019.html Yahoo!] *He went out of his way to deceptively edit an interview and got caught. That is a big story, isn’t it? **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-hm9chvnk6z0 Donald Trump], [https://www.mediaite.com/tv/listen-trump-releases-audio-to-ending-of-doctored-interview-with-fool-piers-morgan/ mediaite] * I think I’m the most honest human being perhaps that god ever created. ** Claimed at an an event in Selma, North Carolina, on April 10, 2022, referred to in [https://www.thelist.com/829709/donald-trump-just-described-himself-in-a-very-unexpected-way/ "Donald Trump Just Described Himself In A Very Unexpected Way"], ''The List'' (April 12, 2022) * But when I didn’t win the election .. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DrQC-oNAeQ Marjorie Taylor Greene & Matt Gaetz NOT HAPPY with Jimmy & Trump FINALLY Admits Defeat] (Apr 11, 2022) (video) * Which would you rather be, a dumb person or a dictator? Perhaps a dictator would be better. I don't want to be a dumb person. ** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-rather-be-a-dictator-than-a-dumb-person-video-2022-4?r=US&IR=T Trump says he'd rather be 'a dictator' than 'a dumb person' after bragging about the cognitive test he took in 2018], Business Insider, 22 April 2022 April 2022 ====May 2022==== *With rampant and record setting crime, a 42.8% increase over last year was just announced, and every other unimaginable problem, no wonder everyone is leaving the New York State, including businesses left and right. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-sarvcupgsh1991 Save America] * I am not currently in possession of any Trump Organization-issued phones, computers or similar devices. :I believe the last phone or device I was issued by the Trump Organization was a cellphone in 2015. I no longer have the cellphone in my possession and I am not aware of its current location. :Since January 1, 2010, I previously owned two flip phones and a [[w:Samsung|Samsung]] mobile phone. I do not have the two flips [sic] phones in my possession and I do not know their current whereabouts.” :[Samsung] it was taken from me at some point while I was president. I do not have the Samsung in my possession and I do not know its current whereabouts. :* '''[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/may/11/trump-fine-contempt-new-york-letitia-james Trump must pay $110,000 fine to purge contempt, judge says]''' (Wed 11 May 2022 18.53 BST) *[[w:Kathy Barnette | Kathy Barnette]] will never be able to win the general election against the radical left democrats. She has many things in her past which have not been properly explained or vetted, but if she is able to do so, she will have a wonderful future in the Republican Party — and I will be behind her all the way ** [[Trump]] according to [https://www.smerconish.com/exclusive-content/pennsylvania-my-primary-concern Pennsylvania: My Primary Concern] (May 14) =====NRA convention speech (May 27, 2022)===== * The existence of evil in our world is not a reason to disarm law-abiding citizens. The existence of evil is one of the very best reasons to arm law-abiding citizens. * Every time a disturbed or demented person commits a hideous crime there is always a grotesque effort by some in our society to advance their own extreme political agenda. ** Speech at the NRA convention, Houston (May 27, 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/may/28/school-shooting-strengthens-case-for-guns-donald-trump-tells-nra "School shooting strengthens case for guns, Donald Trump tells NRA"] ''The Guardian'' (May 28, 2022) * We need a top-to-bottom security overhaul of schools [...] Every building should have a single entry point. No one should ever be able to get near a classroom until they have been checked, scanned and screened ... Above all, from this day forward, every school in America should have an armed police officer or an armed resources officer on duty at all times. [...] Clearly, we need to make it far easier to confine the violent and mentally deranged into mental institutions. ** Speech at the NRA convention, Houston (May 27, 2022), as cited in [https://www.smh.com.au/world/north-america/after-horror-failure-of-uvalde-massacre-business-as-usual-at-nra-meeting-in-houston-20220528-p5ap7y.html "After horror, failure of Uvalde massacre, business as usual at NRA meeting in Houston"] ''The Sydney Morning Herald'' (May 28, 2022) ==== July 2022 ==== * Warmongering and despicable human being [[Liz Cheney]], who is hated by the great people of Wyoming (down 35!), keeps saying, over and over again, that HER Fake Unselect Committee may recommend CRIMINAL CHARGES against a President of the United States who got more votes than any sitting President in history, ** Said about Republican Congress Member Liz Cheney after she mentioned the possibility of raising criminal charges against Trump for his role in connection with the January 6 attack on the Congress of the United States, quoted in [https://nypost.com/2022/07/04/trump-rips-liz-cheney-after-she-suggests-jan-6-charges/ "Trump rips ‘despicable’ Liz Cheney after she suggests Jan. 6 charges for ex-president"], New York Post, 4 July 2022 * Leon’s, I’ll tell you what, Elon, Elon, is not going to buy Twitter. … He’s got himself a mess. He said the other day, ‘Oh, I’ve never voted for a Republican.’ I said, ‘I didn’t know that. He told me he voted for me.’ So, he’s another bullshit artist. But he’s not going to be buying it. ** Claimed about Elon Musk, who later [[w:Acquisition of Twitter by Elon Musk | bought Twitter]]. Quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-alaska-rally-elon-musk-1380402/ "Trump Bashes Elon Musk as ‘Bullshit Artist’ at Alaska Rally"], ''Rolling Stone'' (July 9, 2022) * I feel very confident that, if I decide to run, I’ll win. * In my own mind, I’ve already made that decision, so nothing factors in anymore. In my own mind, I’ve already made that decision. * I made America great again, and I may have to do it again. ** [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/donald-trump-2024-decision.html "Donald Trump on 2024: ‘I’ve Already Made That Decision’ The only question left in the former president’s mind is when he’ll announce"], Intelligencer, 14 July 2022 ==== September 2022 ==== * J.D. is kissing my ass he wants my support so bad. ** Said about [[J.D. Vance]], Republican Senate candidate for Ohio, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/09/19/politics/donald-trump-jd-vance-ohio-rally/index.html "Donald Trump humiliated J.D. Vance for fun"], CNN, 20 September 2022 * If you're the president of the United States, you can declassify just by saying it's declassified, even by thinking about it, because you're sending it to Mar-a-Lago or to wherever you're sending it. And there doesn't have to be a process. There can be a process, but it doesn't have to be. ** [https://www.baynews9.com/fl/tampa/politics/2022/09/22/trump--presidents-can-declassify-files-by--thinking-about-it- "Trump: Presidents can declassify files by 'thinking about it'"], Bay News 9, 22 September 2022 ==== October 2022 ==== * They actually taunted him, if you really look at it. Our country, and our so-called leadership, taunted Putin. I said, you know, they're almost forcing him to go in with what they're saying. The rhetoric was so dumb. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-blames-us-almost-forcing-putin-invade-ukraine-1750145/ Trump Blames U.S. for 'Almost Forcing' Putin to Invade Ukraine], Newsweek, 8 October 2022 ==== November 2022 ==== * We're winning big, big, big in the [[Republican Party]] for the nomination like nobody's ever seen before :There it is, Trump at 71 [percent]. [[Ron DeSanctimonious]] at 10 percent. [[Mike Pence]] at 7 — oh, Mike Pence doing better than I thought​. :* [https://nypost.com/2022/11/06/trump-mocks-desantis-as-ron-desanctimonious/ Pompeo jumps to defend DeSantis after Trump's 'Ron DeSanctimonious' comments] (By Mark Moore November 6, 2022 1:41pm Updated) *The Absentee Ballot situation in Detroit is REALLY BAD.<br>People are showing up to Vote only to be told 'sorry, you have already voted.'<br>This is happening in large numbers, elsewhere as well.<br>Protest, Protest, Protest! **8 November 2022 [https://truthsocial.com/embed/109309832870332871 post on TruthSocia] later [https://twitter.com/JocelynBenson/status/1590079320302968832 quoted via screenshot in tweet] by [[Jocelyn Benson]] which was [https://www.yahoo.com/now/trump-amplifies-nonsense-claims-voter-212425641.html quoted by Yahoo News] * Well, I think if they win, I should get all the credit. And if they lose, I should not be blamed at all, OK, but it’ll probably be just the opposite. :* [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/09/us/politics/trump-endorsements-midterms-gop.html Trump Hoped for a Celebration but Did Not Have Much to Cheer] (By By Michael C. Bender and Maggie Haberman November 9, 2022, 2:33 a.m. ET) * [[Ron DeSantis|Ron DeSanctimonious]] is playing games! The Fake News asks him if he's going to run if President Trump runs, and he says, 'I'm only focused on the Governor's race, I'm not looking into the future.' Well, in terms of loyalty and class, that's really not the right answer. ** Adam Carlson, Jay O'Brien, and Katherine Faulders, [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-takes-aim-ron-desantis-suggesting-2024-rival/story?id=93084111 Trump takes aim at Ron DeSantis, suggesting he's a 2024 rival], ''ABC News'' (November 10, 2022). *He shows up with 3 people, two of which I didn’t know, the other a political person who I haven’t seen in years,” the former president wrote on Truth Social. “Fake News went CRAZY!” **29 November 2022 on Truth Social (per [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/donald-trump-kanye-west-nick-fuentes-mar-a-lago-dinner-1234638552/ this article] by Charisma Madarang of Rolling Stone) after [[Kanye West]] showed up for dinner with Boeing employee Jamal and [[Nick Fuentes]] (the two unknowns) and [[Karen Giorno]] (an aide from Trump's 2016 campaign) in a meeting arranged by [[Milo Yiannopoulos]] (who did not attend) via Karen ====December 2022==== * People have been treated unconstitutionally in my opinion and very, very unfairly, and we’re going to get to the bottom of it. ** Comments made concerning rioters involved in the [[2021 United States Capitol attack]] during a fund raising speech cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/12/02/politics/donald-trump-january-6-rioters-support/index.html "Trump expresses support for Capitol rioters as he continues to embrace extremist groups"] ''CNN Politics'' (December 2, 2022) * Do you throw the Presidential Election Results of 2020 OUT and declare the RIGHTFUL WINNER, or do you have a NEW ELECTION? A Massive Fraud of this type and magnitude allows for the termination of all rules, regulations, and articles, even those found in the Constitution. ** cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/12/03/politics/trump-constitution-truth-social/index.html "Trump calls for the termination of the Constitution in Truth Social post"] ''CNN Politics'' (December 4, 2022) ===2023=== ====January 2023==== *So an out-of-control wild man kills beautiful Ashli Babbitt, a true Patriot, who was the only one killed on January 6th.<br>Her mother goes to protest her death and memory, and they arrest her mother.<br>Something has to be done about these [[Communism|Communists]] and [[Marxism|Marxists]] that are taking over and destroying our Country.<br>Pray for Ashli, and her wonderful, brave mother! **8 January 2023 [https://gab.com/realdonaldtrump/posts/109655572118634418 gab] *The [[left-wing]] [[gender]] [[insanity]] being pushed on our children is an act of child abuse—very simple. **31 January 2023 [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-attacks-transgender-rights-video-1234671967/ per Rolling Stone] ====February 2023==== * Rihanna gave, without question, the single worst Halftime Show in Super Bowl history—This after insulting far more than half of our Nation, which is already in serious DECLINE, with her foul and insulting language. Also, so much for her ‘Stylist!’ ** [https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2023/02/donald-trump-rihanna-super-bowl-halftime-performance-epic-fail-truth-social "Donald Trump Calls Rihanna's Super Bowl Halftime Performance an 'Epic Fail'"], Vanity Fair, 13 February 2023 ====March 2023==== =====CPAC keynote speech (March 4, 2023)===== <small>CPAC keynote address in National Harbor, Maryland, on March 4, 2023, reported in {{cite web|url=https://www.newsweek.com/five-key-moments-donald-trump-cpac-speech-1785586 |title=Five Key Moments from Donald Trump's Crucial CPAC Speech|first1=Khaleda|last1=Rahman|publisher=Newsweek|date=March 5, 2023}}</small> * I'm the only candidate who can make this promise: I will prevent, and very easily, World War III. * We are never going back to a party that wants to give unlimited money to fight foreign endless wars but demands we cut veteran benefits and retirement benefits at home. * We’re not going back to people that want to destroy our great Social Security system – even some in our own party; I wonder who that might be – who want to raise the minimum age of Social Security to 70, 75 or even 80 in some cases, and who are out to cut Medicare to a level that will be unrecognizable * In 2016, I declared: I am your voice. Today, I add: I am your warrior. I am your justice. And for those who have been wronged and betrayed: I am your retribution. * I will totally obliterate the deep state. I will fire the unelected bureaucrats and shadow forces who have weaponized our justice system like it has never been weaponized before. And I will put the people back in charge of this country again. *This is the final battle – they know it, I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. Either they win, or we win. And I promise you this: If you put me back in the White House, their reign will be over, and America will be a free nation once again. *'''Before I even arrive''' at the Oval Office, I will have the disastrous war between Russia and Ukraine settled.<br>I will get the problem solved.<br>And I will get it solved in rapid order and ''''it will take me no longer than one day''', I know exactly what to say to each of them, I got along very well with Putin. **the [https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/04/politics/trump-cpac-speech/index.html March 4th] speech was referenced when this was quoted [https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/07/politics/trump-desantis-ukraine-2024-campaign/index.html March 7th] by Stephen Collinson in a CNN analysis ***Trump later reuses the phrase "before I even arrive at the Oval Office" in [[#June 2024]] in Philadelphia ====April 2023==== *Republicans in Congress should defund the DOJ and FBI until they come to their senses. The Democrats have totally weaponized law enforcement in our country and are viciously using this abuse of power to interfere with our already under siege elections! **[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/donald-trump-calls-defunding-federal-police-arrest-new-york-rcna78301 Donald Trump calls for defunding federal police after his arrest in New York] ''Truth Social'' (April 5, 2023) =====NRA convention speech (April 14, 2023)===== * Our country has been chock full of guns for centuries, and there was no talk of [[w:School shooting|massacres of schoolchildren]] until around the year 2000. That's what it really started. They started talking about it. '''This is not a gun problem.''' This is a mental health problem. This is a social problem. This is a cultural problem. This is a spiritual problem. * I will ask Congress to repeal totally ineffective legislation that makes it harder to protect our schools and easier for criminals to face absolutely no opposition when they go in. I will also create a new tax credit to reimburse any teacher for the full costs of a concealed carry firearm and training from highly qualified experts. Who's better? Who's better? '''If even 5% of teachers, people that are skilled with arms, we want that. 5% were voluntarily armed and trained to stop active shooters. We would achieve effective deterrence and the problem would cease to exist.''' ** From a [[National Rifle Association|NRA]] convention speech in Indianapolis (April 14, 2023), cited in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=97388003ab4443938dba616244ea0117 "Trump calls for arming teachers at NRA convention"] ''AP Newsroom'' (April 15, 2023) * [T]he only way to stop these wicked actions is to '''ensure that any sicko who would shoot up a school knows that within seconds, not minutes, they will face certain death.''' ** Speech at the NRA convention, Indianapolis (April 14, 2023), cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/04/14/trump-pence-nra-2024/ "Trump, in legal peril, draws cheers at NRA convention; Pence draws boos"] ''The Washington Post'' (April 14, 2023) ====May 2023==== *They’re dying, Russians and Ukrainians. '''I want them to stop dying.''' And I’ll have that done — '''I’ll have that done in 24 hours''' **May 2023 at a CNN Town Hall, quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-russia-ukraine-war-un-election-a78ecb843af452b8dda1d52d137ca893 2 July 2024 article by Edith M. Lederer for AP News] ==== June 2023 ==== [[File:"TOP SECRET SCI" (Top Secret Sensitive Compartmented Information) cover sheets - from, Classified intelligence material found during search of Mar-a-Lago (cropped).jpg|thumb|I AM AN [[Innocence|INNOCENT]] MAN!]] * I have been [[Federal prosecution of Donald Trump|summoned to appear at the Federal Courthouse]] in [[Miami]] on Tuesday, at 3 PM. I never thought it [[possible]] that such a thing could happen to a former [[President of the United States]], who received far more [[votes]] than any sitting President in the History of our Country, and is currently leading, by far, all Candidates, both [[Democrat]] and [[Republican]], in Polls of the [[2024 United States presidential election|2024 Presidential Election]]. I AM AN [[Innocence|INNOCENT]] MAN! ** Web posting, reported in [https://www.local10.com/news/local/2023/06/08/trump-told-to-appear-in-miami-after-indictment-by-federal-grand-jury-abc-reporting/ "Trump told to appear in Miami after indictment by federal grand jury, ABC reporting" in ''WPLG Local 10'' (8 June 2023)] *'''This is the final battle'''. With you at my side, we will demolish the deep state. expel the warmongers from our government. We will drive out the globalists. We will cast out the Communists, Marxists, and Fascists, and we will throw off the sick political class that hates our country. We will rout the fake news media, and we will defeat crooked Joe Biden. We will liberate America from these villains once and for all. **[https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/06/trump-lists-all-the-villains-he-plans-to-destroy-in-a-second-term Trump told the audience at the Oakland County Republican Party’s Lincoln Day Dinner] *For three years, Biden and his radical left allies have waged war on American auto workers in his ridiculous crusade to force everyone into electric cars, ridiculous regulations kill more than half of US auto jobs and decimate the suppliers that they decimated already, decimate the suppliers and it’s going to decimate your jobs. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/world-news/2023/06/26/donald-trump-accuses-joe-biden-environmental-extremism/ Telegraph] , [https://www.candgnews.com/news/trump-headlines-oakland-county-republican-party-lincoln-day-dinner-2796 Trump headlines Oakland County Republican Party Lincoln Day Dinner] ====July 2023==== *“Is it Crooked Joe and his wonderful son, Hunter? Release the findings, release the tapes. We can’t have a crackhead in charge of our Nuclear Arsenal!! **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-hunter-biden-cocaine-justice-department-b2373556.html] *… He’s totally compromised...I don’t like doing the same word for two people. We’re using the word crooked for Joe Biden because Joe Biden is the most crooked president in the history. **[https://www.republicworld.com/world-news/us-news/trump-says-he-was-very-kind-to-biden-then-tells-us-president-gloves-are-off-articleshow.html republicworld] *We have potential for a war outside of Ukraine - Russia. We should have kept Bagram because Bagram is one of the largest military bases in the world cost us billions of dollars to build forget about Afghanistan, it's one hour away from where China is building their nuclear weapons. **[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct2Vl-NO6Og] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OL8NDU16Ex8] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TZvpAqhMwdg] *If China takes Taiwan they will turn the world off potentially. **[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct2Vl-NO6Og] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OL8NDU16Ex8] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TZvpAqhMwdg] *Millions of illegal aliens have stormed across our borders. It is an invasion, like a military invasion. Our rights and liberties are being torn to shreds,Your country is being turned into a third-world hellhole, run by censors, perverts, criminals, and thugs.” **[https://nationalpost.com/news/world/trump-u-s-is-being-turned-into-a-third-world-hellhole-run-by-perverts-and-thugs criminals and perverts] *America is tired of being ruled by radical bureaucrats in Washington the Bidens, the Clintons, the Obamas, the Radical Left Democrats, the Marxists – guys like Paul Ryan and Karl Rove. Their reign will be over, and it will be over quickly, and America will be a free nation once again. **speech [https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-says-hes-the-only-candidate-that-cant-be-owned-or-controlled/] * Think of this. We give them everything, including military protection and trade, and now we have to pay them to go there. As President I will not allow this, will end very quickly. **“U.S. CITIZENS WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR A VISA TO TRAVEL TO EUROPE STARTING IN 2024.” [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110776705512999901] *Gloves are off.Under crooked Joe Biden. I never called him that. I took the name away from Hillary Clinton. We call her beautiful Hillary now.Now it's crooked Joe, because it's a much more appropriate name right now for this man who's just destroying our country. **rally [https://www.newsmax.com/newsmax-tv/donald-trump-july-4-south-carolina/2023/07/01/id/1125653/] *As part of my plan to obtain total independence from China, we will phase in tariffs and import restrictions to bring back production of all essential medicines to the United States of America where they belong. I signed an executive order to begin this process in 2020 but Biden has shamefully failed to follow through. He wants it ended. He wants to take care of China. *[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-promises-to-return-production-of-cancer-drugs-essential-medicines-to-u-s/] *They don’t go after the people who cheated in the election, they only go after the people who report on, or question the cheating if you don't have strong borders you don't have a country, right now we don't have a country. **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110781850689911246] *Trumpism or America first is very simple low taxes and regulations , the most powerful military , tariffs on countries taking advantage, protection of section amendment , great healthcare , low energy prices, parental power on school boards, life , strong borders. **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110781828901024566] *I expect nothing from the meeting with my lawyers and the lunatics in the DOJ regarding January 6th. They just want to interfere with the Presidential Election on 2024. It is their new form of cheating, but we will win !!! How can deranged Jack Smith bring a case on January 6th., as ridiculous as it is anyway, when I have already won such a case, and been fully acquitted, in the U.S. Senate? In other words, I was Impeached on this, and won!!! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110793264554684917] [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110793284091097891] ====August 2023==== *These monsters, all controlled and coordinated by the DOJ and Radical Left Lunatics, are Criminalizing Political Speech, a total SHUTDOWN OF DEMOCRACY! **Truth Social Post 6:28 PM on August 15, 2023.[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110895990420845351] *CROOKED JOE BIDEN IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED BY CHINA, UKRAINE, & VARIOUS OTHER COUNTRIES. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM - ALL OF HIS MISDEEDS. HE IS A COMPROMISED PRESIDENT WHO IS LEADING OUR COUNTRY TO HELL. HE IS A MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE! **Truth Social Post 6:20 PM on August 15, 2023.[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110895877441671196] *I believe we have a compromised president. He was bribed, and now he’s being blackmailed. He’s a Manchurian Candidate. That’s why Crooked Joe is letting other countries walk all over the United States. **Truth Social Post on August 15, 2023.[https://links.truthsocial.com/link/110895072887935769] *IMPOSSIBLE to get a fair trial in Washington, D.C., which is over 95% anti-Trump, & for which I have called for a Federal TAKEOVER in order to bring our Capital back to Greatness. It is now a high crime embarrassment to our Nation and, indeed, the World **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110823476578708544 *I AM NOW GOING TO WASHINGTON, D.C., TO BE ARRESTED FOR HAVING CHALLENGED A CORRUPT, RIGGED, & STOLEN ELECTION. IT IS A GREAT HONOR, BECAUSE I AM BEING ARRESTED FOR YOU. Biden and his family steal Millions and Millions of Dollars, including BRIBES from foreign countries, and I’m headed to D.C. to be ARRESTED for protesting a CROOKED ELECTION. UNFAIR VENUE, UNFAIR JUDGE. We are a Nation in Decline. **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110826519469646840 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110826840688757163 *CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT I HAD TO FLY TO A FILTHY, DIRTY, FALLING APART, & VERY UNSAFE WASHINGTON, D.C., TODAY, & THAT I WAS THEN ARRESTED BY MY POLITICAL OPPONENT, WHO IS LOSING BADLY TO ME IN THE POLLS, CROOKED JOE BIDEN, IT WAS A VERY GOOD DAY! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110828062805817649 *A very sad day for America, and it was also very sad driving through Washington, D.C., and seeing the filth and decay and all of the broken buildings and walls and the graffiti. This is not the place that I left. It’s a very sad thing to see it. **https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-tells-reporters-if-you-cant-beat-him-you-persecute-him-or-you-prosecute-him/ *They’re trying to make it illegal to question the results of a bad election…But only a party that cheats in elections would try to make it illegal, on Election Day 2024, we’re going to evict Crooked Joe Biden from the White House…We’re going to expel the criminals and thugs from the halls of power in Washington, D.C. **[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-draws-biggest-crowd-ever-to-alabama-gop-dinner/ Alabama] *We are NOT a free nation, We don’t have a free press. We have a corrupt press. *[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-the-tables-must-turn-and-we-will-quickly-destroy-the-deep-state/ Alabama] *OUR HIGHLY PARTISAN, AND VERY CORRUPT, DEPARTMENT OF INJUSTICE, COULD HAVE BROUGHT THIS BIDIN “OPPONENT” CASE YEARS AGO, BUT CHOSE TO WAIT AND BRING IT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY ELECTION CAMPAIGN. NO WAY!!! I HOPE YOU ARE WATCHING AMERICA. OUR COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED. **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110842856814664717 *This will be the single biggest and most important election in the history of our country - maybe in the history of the WORLD. **https://truthsocial.com/@RSBN/posts/110840001623943794 *The “shocking and totally unexpected” loss by the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team to Sweden is fully emblematic of what is happening to the our once great Nation under Crooked Joe Biden. Many of our players were openly hostile to America - No other country behaved in such a manner, or even close. WOKE EQUALS FAILURE. Nice shot Megan, the USA is going to Hell!! *https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110845290114601452 *WHAT THE DEPARTMENT OF INJUSTICE IS DOING TO ME IS THE SAME THING DONE BY THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES ALL OVER THE WORLD, BUT IT WILL NOT WORK. **https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-explains-why-he-should-not-have-a-protective-order-placed-on-him-by-deranged-jack-smith/ *Let’s see! My political Opponent, Crooked Joe Biden, tells Merrick Garland and the DOJ to indict and arrest me on bogus charges and accusations, trying desperately to steal the Election. But that wasn’t enough! He now wants Thug Prosecutor, Deranged Jack Smith, to file for a Court Order taking away my first amendment rights, SPEECH. So, based on yet another Radical Left Hoax, I’ll be the only “Politician” in American history not allowed to SPEAK. THE NEVER ENDING WITCH HUNT CONTINUES. **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110852063479466833 *They just found a letter from Crooked Joe Biden directly to Keven Archer. Oh well, so much for “Joe” not knowing anything about all of the money he extorted. At some point the LameStream Media will have to cover this story, perhaps the biggest scandal in U.S. history. When they do, our Country will start to heal! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110850107581995665 *HOW CAN MY CORRUPT POLITICAL OPPONENT PUT ME ON TRIAL(S) DURING A CAMPAIGN THAT I AM WINNING (BY A LOT!), BUT FORCING ME TO SPEND TIME AND MONEY AWAY FROM THE “CAMPAIGN TRAIL” IN ORDER TO FIGHT BOGUS ACCUSATIONS & CHARGES? IS THIS GOING TO BE THE FUTURE OF ELECTIONS IN AMERICA? CAN A PRESIDENT ORDER HIS DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE TO INDICT AN OPPONENT JUST PRIOR TO AN ELECTION? **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110849582956879248 *Just found out that Crooked Joe Biden’s DOJ secretly attacked my Twitter account, making it a point not to let me know about this major “hit” on my civil rights. My Political Opponent is going CRAZY trying to infringe on my Campaign for President. Nothing like this has ever happened before. Does the First Amendment still exist? Did Deranged Jack Smith tell the Unselects to DESTROY & DELETE all evidence? **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110860965885418709 *It’s not like the State or Country is coming down on me. It’s a dishonest politician and his gang of Thugs breaking the law in order to get re-elected. **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110859441854770499 *So now that I have full Subpoena Power because of the Freedom of Speech Sham Indictment by Crooked Joe Biden, Deranged Jack Smith, and the DOJ, it has just been reported that the Unselect January 6th Committee of Political Hacks and Thugs has illegally destroyed their Records and Documents. This is unthinkable, and the Fake Political Indictment against me must be immediately withdrawn. The system is Rigged & Corrupt, very much like the Presidential Election of 2020. We are a Nation in Decline. **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110857162338915853 *Thousands of veterans were put on secret medial wait lists and many of them were left to die, All of that changed when WE arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. **https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-lays-out-exemplary-agenda-that-will-restore-hope-and-care-to-americas-veterans/ *Whenever more Biden corruption is exposed his henchmen charge me with a crime. **https://truthsocial.com/@RSBN/posts/110855681234356104 *I think that Crooked Joe Biden is not only dumb and incompetent, I believe he has gone MAD, a stark raving Lunatic, with his HORRIBLE AND COUNTRY THREATENING ENVIRONMENTAL, OPEN BORDERS, & DOJ/FBI WEAPONIZATION POLICIES. HE IS A MENTAL CATASTROPHE THAT IS LEADING OUR COUNTRY TO HELL!What Crooked Joe Biden, who can’t string two sentences together, has done to our once great Country through his Open Borders CATASTROPHE, may go down as the greatest and most damaging mistake ever made in USA HISTORY. It is not even believable that such incompetence and stupidity could have been allowed to happen. OUR COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED BY A MAN WITH THE MIND, IDEAS, AND I.Q. OF A FIRST GRADER. THIS INVASION OF OUR COUNTRY MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY. IT CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110865224814637476 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110865185229848140 *The Fake Indictments against me didn’t come down from heaven, they came from the most corrupt President in the history of the United States, Crooked Joe Biden, in order to Rig & Steal another Election. **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110867274500411944] *Why is “Phoney” (Like in PERFECT “PHONE” CALL, get it?) Fani Willis, the severely underperforming D.A. of Fulton County who is being accused of having an “affair” with a Gang Member of a group that she is prosecuting, leaking my name in regard to a Grand Jury pertaining to Election Fraud & Irregularities that I say took place in Georgia. I made a PERFECT PHONE CALL OF PROTEST. What does Phoney Fani have to do with me? She should instead focus on the record number of murders in Atlanta! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/110882230702522121 *The only Election Interference that took place in Fulton County, Georgia, was done by those that Rigged and Stole the Election, not by me, who simply complained that the Election was Rigged and Stolen. We have Massive and Conclusive Proof, if the Grand Jury would like to see it. Unfortunately, the publicity seeking D.A. isn’t interested in Justice, or this evidence. Also, as in Manhattan, the corrupt DOJ is pushing hard trying to keep Biden in Office. The whole system is dishonest and broken! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/110882321735123573 *To say no comment is oftentimes fine, but to be smiling when you say it, especially again such a tragedy as this, is absolutely horrible and unacceptable, Our government was not prepared. And very importantly, the aftermath is going very poorly with the governor of the island wanting to do nothing but blame it on global warming, and other things that just happen to pop into his head. **https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4152554-trump-bidens-response-to-maui-fires-disgraceful/ *“Hey, I’m running against a guy, I’m going to Indict him 3 or 4 times to keep him busy.” Does anyone think that Crooked Joe Biden would have said something like this??? **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110914172490735501 *David Rivkin, a highly respected Constitutional law scholar, just clearly stated that I have “Constitutionally-based immunity” and “absolute immunity! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918895000463495 *Why should Crooked Joe Biden be able to force me into the time and expense of trials, especially before the Election, on bogus claims pushed by his chief political supporter, The Department of Injustice? What a horrible precedent this sets for future Presidential campaigns. Crooked Joe Biden’s only campaign strategy is Indicting me, going on extended vacations, and Sleep, Sleep, Sleep!!! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918860464876718 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918173717605996 *I easily won the Great State of Georgia in 2016, did a fantastic job, as President, for Georgia and the entire USA, received 10 Million more votes than I got, nationwide, in 2016, got by far the most votes in history for a sitting President, but shockingly, “LOST” Georgia. All this despite winning nearby Alabama and South Carolina in Record Setting Landslides. Why did Georgia officials agree to, and sign, the one sided Consent Decree? Does anybody really believe I lost Georgia? I DON’T! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110916681777676824 ====September 2023==== *MINORITY VOTERS ARE ABANDONING CROOKED JOE BIDEN & THE DEMOCRAT PARTY FOR “TRUMP.” THANK YOU, A VERY WISE DECISION! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/1110151303435539041 *It is all a shadow of its former self. Ukraine, Inflation, Bad Economy, Woke Military, No World Standing, No Respect, and today, 6 Billion Dollars for hostages. Where is the call from Republicans for the 25th Amendment. **Truth social *Can you believe that Crooked Joe Biden is giving $6 Billion to the terrorist regime in Iran? That money be used for terrorism all over the Middle East, and, indeed, the World. This incompetent FOOL is absolutely destroying America He had the audacity to announce this terrible deal today, September 11th. To pay for hostages will lead to kidnapping, ransom, and blackmail against Americans across the globe So, lets get this straight! We did a hostage TRADE with Iran. We gave them 5 very tough, smart people that they desperately wanted. We likewise got back 5 people BUT, we also gave them 6 BILLION DOLLARS! How much of a kickback does Crooked Joe Biden get Does anyone realize how much money 6 Billion Dollars is? When I was President, I got back 58 hostages for ZERO money. Remember Pastor Brunson? It sets a TERRIBLE precedent. Republicans, call out the 25th Amendment, NOW! Biden is INCOMPETENT **https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/4199317-trump-rips-biden-for-release-of-6b-in-iranian-funds/ *Early in the administration Education department will be closing . we spend more money on education than any other country yet we are bottom of every list. **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=ojRde4zCYd0 Truth social] *Biden’s job killing EV mandate has dictated that nearly seven percent of all cars sold in the US must be fully electric in less than 10 years. Crooked Joe Biden is back like a wretched old vulture. **[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-crooked-joe-biden-is-back-like-a-wretched-old-vulture-trying-to-finish-off-his-prey/] *[[Mark Milley]], who led perhaps the most embarrassing moment in American history with his grossly incompetent implementation of the withdrawal from Afghanistan, costing many lives, leaving behind hundreds of American citizens, and handing over BILLIONS of dollars of the finest military equipment ever made, will be leaving the military next week. This will be a time for all citizens of the USA to celebrate! This guy turned out to be a Woke train wreck who, if the Fake News reporting is correct, was actually dealing with China to give them a heads up on the thinking of the President of the United States. This is an act so egregious that, in times gone by, the punishment would have been DEATH! A war between China and the United States could have been the result of this treasonous act. To be continued!!! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/111111513207332826 Truth social] * Nobody has any idea where these people are coming from. And we know they come from prisons. We know they come from mental institutions, insane asylums. We know they're terrorists. Nobody has seen anything like we're witnessing right now. It is a very sad thing for our country. It's poisoning the blood of our country. It's so bad. ** ''The National Pulse'' interview, quoted in {{cite web |date=2023-10-17 |title=Trump - "Migrants Poisoning the Blood of Our Country" |work=Meidas Touch |url=https://www.meidastouch.com/:section/trump-migrants-poisoning-the-blood-of-our-country }} ====October 2023==== *We will immediately stop all of the pillaging and theft. Very simply: If you rob a store, you can fully expect to be shot as you are leaving that store... Shot! The word that they shoot you will get out within minutes and our nation, in one day, will be an entirely different place. There must be retribution for theft and destruction and the ruination of our country **2 October 2023 in [https://nypost.com/2023/10/02/trump-calls-for-shoplifters-to-be-shot-to-save-the-nation/ NY Post] *I had a wonderful life before all this stuff. I '''didn't know what a grand jury was''', I didn't know what a subpoena, '''what is a subpoena'''? I had a wonderful life. **5 October 2023 in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1uPUfVrb74&t=842s spoken interview] * lowlife with a very small brain and a very big mouth * by far the dumbest of my military people * incapable of doing a good job * It was too much for him, and I couldn’t stand the guy, so I fired him like a ‘dog’ ** Claimed about John Kelly, retired U.S. Marine Corps general, former Chief of Staff for Donald Trump, and before that US Homeland Security Secretary, quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/oct/05/donald-trump-john-kelly-comments-military-veterans "‘Lowlife with small brain and big mouth’: Trump hits out at ex-aide Kelly"], ''The Guardian'' (October 5, 2023) * There’s a man, Viktor Orbán, did anyone ever hear of him? He’s probably, like, one of the strongest leaders anywhere in the world. He’s the leader of Turkey. **24 October 2023 in [https://www.politico.eu/article/trump-confuses-turkish-and-hungarian-leaders-orban-erdogan/ "Trump praises Hungary’s ‘Viktor Orbán’ as great ‘leader of Turkey’"], ''Politico'' ==== November 2023 ==== * We pledge to you that we will root out the Communists, Marxists, Fascists, and Radical Left Thugs that live like vermin within the confines of our Country, lie, steal, and cheat on Elections, and will do anything possible, whether legally or illegally, to destroy America, and the American Dream. The threat from outside forces is far less sinister, dangerous, and grave, than the threat from within. Despite the hatred and anger of the Radical Left Lunatics who want to destroy our Country, we will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! ** [https://www.thenation.com/article/politics/donald-trump-fascist-vermin/ "The “Is Donald Trump a Fascist?” Debate Has Been Ended—by Donald Trump"], ''The Nation'' (November 14, 2023) ====December 2023==== *: ''Sean Hannity:'' Under no circumstances, you are promising America tonight, you would never abuse power as retribution against anybody? *:''Donald Trump:'' Except for day one. *: ''Sean Hannity:'' Except for— *: ''Donald Trump:'' ''[aside to audience, pointing at Sean]'' He's doing great. ''[to Sean]'' Except for day one. I want to close the border and I want to drill, drill, drill. * We love this guy. He says, "You’re not going to be a dictator, are ya?" I said: "No, no, no, other than day one. We're closing the border, and we're drilling, drilling, drilling. After that, I'm not a dictator." **5 December 2023 in Davenport, Iowa town hall, quoted in {{cite news |date=2023-12-05 |title=Trump to Hannity on Whether He’ll Abuse Power as President: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ |periodical=Rolling Stone |url=https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/donald-trump-hannity-iowa-town-hall-1234917385/ }} * They let — I think the real number is 15, 16 million people into our country. When they do that, we got a lot of work to do.<br>They're poisoning the '''blood of our country''', that's what they've done.<br>They poison mental institutions and prisons all over the world, not just in South America, not just to three or four countries that we think about, but all over the world. They're coming into our country from Africa, from Asia, all over the world. **16 December 2023 in Durham, New Hampshire rally, quoted in {{cite news |date=2023-12-17 |title=Trump says immigrants are 'poisoning the blood of our country.' Biden campaign likens comments to Hitler. |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trump-says-immigrants-are-poisoning-blood-country-biden-campaign-liken-rcna130141 }} *ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IS POISONING THE BLOOD OF OUR NATION **17 December 2023 per [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-poisoning-blood-quote-fascism-b2465618.html Alex Woodward article in The Independent] on Trumps TruthSocial account after leaving New Hampshire ===2024=== ====January 2024==== *Even if you vote and then pass away, it's worth it. **14 January 2024 per [https://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-worth-it-sick-vote-iowa-caucus-pass-away-2024-1 Business Insider] and [https://edition.cnn.com/videos/politics/2024/01/15/donald-trump-vote-pass-away-iowa-caucus-vpx.cnn CNN] *“We’re going to place strong protections to stop banks and regulators from trying to debank you from your—our political beliefs what they do. They want to debank you. We’re going to debank—think of this. They want to take away your country. Electric cars... They wanna take away your rights. They wanna take away your country. The things they’re doing. All [[Electric vehicles|electric cars]]. Give me a break. If you want an electric car, great. But they don’t go far. They’re very expensive. They gotta be made in China. That’s why I think I’m gonna get the autoworkers to vote for Trump. You know, we’re having great, great talks. But think of what they wanna do. They wanna take away your rights.” **17 January 2024 at a campaign rally in New Hampshire, reported by several sources.<ref name="evdb">{{Cite web |website={{w|The Daily Beast}} |date=2024-01-21 |accessdate=2024-01-21 |title=We Need an Interpreter to Work Out Trump’s ‘Debanking’ Rant |department=The New Abnormal |url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trumps-debanking-rant-in-new-hampshire-and-electric-cars-makes-no-sense}}</ref><ref name="evmed">{{Cite web |url=https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/huh-trump-declares-they-wanna-de-bank-you-and-we-re-going-to-de-bank/ar-AA1n9KYV |title=Huh? Trump Declares, ‘They Wanna De-Bank You and We’re Going to De-Bank’ |first=Michael |last=Luciano |date=2024-01-18 |accessdate=2024-01-21 |website={{w|Mediaite}}}}</ref> * There is a great man, a great leader in Europe — [[Viktor Orbán|Viktor Orban]] [...] He is the Prime Minister of [[Hungary]]. He is a very great leader, a very strong man. Some people don't like him because he's too strong. **20 January 2024 at a rally in Manchester, New Hampshire, as cited in [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-hails-hungarian-pm-orban-162500247.html "Trump hails Hungarian PM Orban as 'great leader' and 'strong man'], ''Yahoo! News,'' reproduced from The New Voice of Ukraine (21 January 2024) * We have become a drug infested, crime ridden nation which is incapable of solvin’ even the sollest smallest problem. The simplest of problems, we can no longer solve. We can’t do anything. We are an institute in a powerful death penalty. We will put this on. ** [https://www.indy100.com/video/donald-trump-incoherent-sentence-video "Trump utter's incoherent sentence about US not solving 'sollest smallest problem'"], ''Indy 100'' (January 23, 2024) *You know, I had an uncle. He's the longest-serving professor, Doctor John Trump, in the history of MIT, with same genes—we have genes, we're smart people, we're smart people... We're like race—Mr. Lieutenant Governor—we're like racehorses, too. You know, the fast ones produce the fast ones, and the slow ones doesn't work out so well, right? But we're no different in that sense. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-migrants-bad-genes-1965004 January 2024] ====March 2024==== *There's a lot of good and there's a lot of bad with TikTok, but the thing I don't like is that without TikTok, you're going to make Facebook bigger, and I consider Facebook to be an enemy of the people, along with a lot of the media. I'm not looking to make Facebook double the size. I think Facebook has been very bad for our country. **11 March 2024 per [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-reversal-tiktok-ban-says-facebook-enemy-of-people/ CBS article by Jacob Rosen] * They call it BleachBit, but it’s essentially acid that will destroy everything, you know, within ten miles. **13 March 2024 about a computer software program, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-still-seems-to-think-hillary-clinton-used-acid-to-delete-emails "Trump STILL Seems to Think Hillary Clinton Used Acid to Delete Emails"], ''The Daily Beast'' * People who are coming from parts unknown, countries that you’ve never heard of. Languages that nobody in this country speaks. We don’t even have teachers of some of these languages. Who would think that we have languages that are like from the planet Mars? Nobody, nobody, knows how to, you know, speak it. **25 March 2024 [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-out-of-this-world-claim_n_65e6de3ee4b0170871fb9275 "Donald Trump Dragged To The Moon Over New Interplanetary Dog Whistle"], ''Huffington Post'' ====April 2024==== *I called [Bill Bar] him ‘Weak, Slow Moving, Lethargic, Gutless, and Lazy,Based on the fact that I greatly appreciate his wholehearted Endorsement, I am removing the word ‘Lethargic’ from my statement. **25 April 2024 per [https://web.archive.org/web/20240426044532/https://gazette.com/news/wex/bill-barr-endorses-trump-despite-past-criticism/article_1c59037c-c234-5540-be2e-8a5e59bf3ad9.html archive of The Gazette] ====May 2024==== *These people are running a Gestapo administration,And it’s the only thing they have. And it’s the only way they’re going to win in their opinion. Once I got indicted, I said well, now the gloves have to come off,If you care too much, you tend to choke. And in a way, I don’t care. It’s just you know, life is life. **4 May 2024 per [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-biden-administration-gestapo-private-donor-event-rcna150743 NBC writers] Burns/Brooks/Sonnier/Gomez/Terkel * We will make [[America]] ''[[powerful]]'' again. <br /> We will make America ''[[wealthy]]'' again. <br /> We will make America ''[[strong]]'' again. <br /> We will make America [[proud]] again. <br /> We will make America ''[[safe]]'' again. <br /> ''We will make America [[great]] again!'' ** [https://www.instagram.com/realdonaldtrump/reel/C7Z3M8Kudxd/?hl=en Presidential campaign slogans, Bronx, NY (25 May 2024)] * If he wins, our country is going to be destroyed. * He’s a demented tyrant. ** Claimed about President of the United States of America Joe Biden, quoted in [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/05/politics-fear-itself-trump-maga/678311/ "The Politics of Fear Itself"], ''The Atlantic'' (May 7, 2024) * Our cities are choking to death. Our states are dying. And frankly, our country is dying. ** [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/05/politics-fear-itself-trump-maga/678311/ "The Politics of Fear Itself"], ''The Atlantic'' (May 7, 2024) *I have been indicted more than the great Al Capone, on bullshit. **11 May 2024 per [https://www.insidernj.com/trump-delusionary-in-new-jersey/ InsiderNJ] writer Max Pizarro * Has anyone ever seen ''[[The Silence of the Lambs (film)|The Silence of the Lambs]]''? The late, great Hannibal Lecter. He's a wonderful man. He oftentimes would have a friend for dinner. **11 May 2024 from a speech in Wildwood, N.J. per [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2024/05/13/trump-hannibal-lecter-immigration/ Washington Post], as cited 16 May 2024 in [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/16/opinion/donald-trump-hannibal-lecter.html "When Donald Trump Met Hannibal Lecter"], ''The New York Times'' *I know we won (Minnesota) in 2020. We've got to be careful. We've got to watch those votes. ** 17 May 2024 during an address to the Minnesota Republican Party's annual Lincoln-Reagan Dinner in St. Paul per [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2024/05/18/donald-trump-minnesota-election/73747544007/ Donald Trump falsely tells supporters he won Minnesota in 2020], ''USA Today'' *'''Before I even arrive at the Oval Office''', shortly after we win the presidency, I will have the horrible war between Russia and Ukraine settled, and we will restore, as we had just four years ago, peace through strength. They respected our country and they respected your President. **18 May 2024 in Dallas, Texas in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgl06asFsXc speech to NRA aired on Fox], transcribed [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-speaks-at-nra-convention 20 May 2024] ***Trump had previously used the "before I even arrive at the Oval Office" phrase in [[#May 2023]] and would again use it in Philadelphia the following month in [[#June 2024]] *And if you vote for me, on Day One, I will commute the sentence of [[Ross Ulbricht]] **20 May 2024 (Saturday night) at Libertarian National Convention, reported in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/05/25/trump-commute-ross-ulbricht-sentence-libertarian-convention-00160025 25 May 2024 article] by Peter Shaefer of Politico *It boiled down to something that was very beautiful, the way it happened, and I got along with him very well.<br>He respected me, I respected him.<br>Very smart guy, very strong guy **28 May 2024 about Kim Jong-Un, dictator in North Korea, cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/181993/trump-brags-beautiful-relationship-cruel-dictator-kim-jong-un "Watch: Trump’s Disgusting Praise for “Beautiful” Bond with Kim Jong Un"], ''New Republic'' *We have a country that’s in big trouble, but this was a rigged decision right from day one, with a conflicted judge who should have never been allowed to try this case, And we’ll keep fighting we’ll fight till the end and we’ll win because our country has gone to hell. We don’t have the same country anymore. We have a divided mess. We’re a nation in decline, serious decline, millions and millions of people pouring into our country right now, from prisons and from mental institutions terrorists, and they’re taking over our country, real verdict would come in November. **30 May 2024 from [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-reaction-guilty-verdict-new-york-criminal-trial/ Melissa Quinn of CBS] and [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-jury-reaction-hush-money-trial-b2554187.html Ariana Baio of The Independent] * Our witnesses were literally crucified by this man who looks like an angel, but he is really a devil. **31 May 2024 [https://x.com/Acyn/status/1796560554359996767 tweet by Acyn] shows footage of Trump saying this about Judge [[Juan Merchan]], after Trump was found guilty in concealing payment of hush money to adult film performer Stormy Daniels, cited in [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-ridiculed-over-literally-crucified-trial-witness-claim_uk_665c277be4b00474bee95ad7 "Social Media Mocks Trump's Claim That Trial Witnesses Were 'Literally Crucified'"], ''Huffington Post'' (June 02, 2024) ====June 2024==== *Don’t forget, if it weren’t me, they’d be going after somebody else. And I know a lot of the competition, They wouldn’t be doing so well right now. They’d be saying, ‘Mommy, take me home, I want to go home. **2 June 2024 cited in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/06/02/trump-biden-heat-2024-elections-00161168 Politico article] by Mia McCarthy *Wouldn't it be terrible to throw the President's wife and the former Secretary of State into jail? Wouldn't that be a terrible thing? But they wanna do it! It's a terrible, terrible, path that they're leading us to & it's very possible that it's going to have to happen to them. **5 June 2024 per [https://www.newsnationnow.com/politics/trump-suggests-political-opponents-could-face-prosecution/ NewsNationNow article] by Brett Samuels of The Hill *[<i>Rachel Campos-Duffy:</i>] Would you declassify the 9/11 files?<br>[<i>Donald Trump:</i>] Yeah.<br>[<i>Campos-Duffy:</i>] Would you declassify the JFK files?<br>[<i>Trump:</i>] Yeah. I did a lot of it.<br>[<i>Campos-Duffy:</i>] Would you declassify the Epstein files?<br>[<i>Trump:</i>] Yeah. Yeah, I would. I guess I would. I think that less so because, you know, you don't know — you don't want to affect people's lives if it's phony stuff in there, because it's a lot of phony stuff with that whole world. **During an appearance on Fox & Friends Weekend, quoted in [https://www.hindustantimes.com/world-news/us-news/donald-trump-panics-when-asked-if-hed-declassify-epstein-documents-netizens-wonder-what-is-he-afraid-of-101717671792541.html Donald Trump ‘panics’ when asked if he'd declassify Epstein documents, netizens wonder ‘what is he afraid of?’] ''Hindustan Times'' (June 6, 2024)[https://www.rev.com/transcripts/donald-trump-interview-on-the-will-cain-show] *Those J6 warriors — they were warriors — but they were really, more than anything else, they’re victims of what happened... All they were doing is protesting a rigged election. That’s what they were doing. **9 June 2024 [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4713140-trump-calls-j6-defendants-warriors/ "Trump calls Jan. 6 defendants ‘warriors’"] * I don't care about you. I just want your vote. **10 June 2024 [https://lamag.com/politics/i-dont-care-about-you-i-just-want-your-vote-trump-says-at-his-latest-rally "Trump to Nevada: ’I Don't Care About You... I Just Want Your Vote’"], Los Angeles Magazine * So I said, ‘Let me ask you a question. Nobody ever asked this question. And it must be because of MIT. My relationship to MIT. Very smart. I say, What would happen if the boat sank from its weight? And you’re in the boat and you have this tremendously powerful battery, and the battery is now underwater, and there’s a shark that’s approximately 10 yards over there. By the way, a lot of shark attacks lately. You notice that? A lot of shark. I watch some guys justifying it today. ‘Well, they weren’t really that angry. They bit off the young lady’s leg because of the fact that they were — they were not hungry, but they misunderstood what - who she was.’ These people are crazy. ‘There’s no problem with sharks. They just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming. No really got decimated and other people too, a lot of shark attacks. So I said, ‘So there’s a shark 10 yards away from the boat, 10 yards or here. Do I get electrocuted? If the boat is sinking, water goes over the battery, the boat is sinking. Do I stay on top of the boat and get electrocuted? Or do I jump over by the shark and not get electrocuted? ‘You know, nobody’s ever asked me that question.’ I said, ‘I think it’s a good question. I think there’s a lot of electric current coming through that water.’ But you know what I’d do if there was a shark or you get electrocuted? I’ll take electrocution every single time. I’m not getting near the shark! **10 June 2024 [https://newrepublic.com/post/182494/cognitive-decline-trump-rant-batteries "Cognitive Decline? Trump Short-Circuits During Bonkers Rant"], The New Republic *before I even arrive at the Oval Office, shortly after we win the presidency **22 June 2024 rally in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, quoted in a 2 July 2024 [https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/07/02/nato-second-trump-term-00164517 Politico article] by Michael Hirsh ***Trump had previously used the phrase "before I even arrive at the Oval Office" in [[#March 2023]], and also used it in a May 2024 speech to the NRA the previous month *I'm not rambling. **23 June 2024 [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/his-brains-are-pudding-internet-mocks-trump-for-incoherent-defense-of-rambling-rant/ar-BB1oHYc9?item=flightsprg-tipsubsc-v1a?loadin=defaultbrowser "'His brains are pudding': Internet mocks Trump for 'incoherent' defense of 'rambling' rant"], MSN *But I will tell you that would have never happened [if I was president]. Ukraine would have never happened. The israeli attack would have never happened and inflation would have never happened. Those are three big things. Inflation would have never happened.<br>No, I wouldn't support a national ban [on abortion]. No, I would not. **20 June 2024 [https://deepcast.fm/episode/46167/in-conversation-with-president-trump#quotes/ "In conversation with President Trump", on All-In with Chamath, Jason, Sacks & Friedberg, found on DeepCast] * I want you to remember what they did to me. They tortured me in the Fulton County Jail, and TOOK MY MUGSHOT. So guess what? I put it on a mug for the WHOLE WORLD TO SEE! **24 June 2024 [https://www.newsmax.com/newsfront/donald-trump-georgia-fundraising/2024/06/24/id/1169939/ "Trump Fundraising Email: I Was 'Tortured' in Jail"], Newsmax * If I took this shirt off, you would see a beautiful beautiful person. But you would see wounds all over. I’ve taken a lot of wounds I can tell you. More than I suspect any president ever. **24 June 2024 [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/donald-trump-talks-taking-off-105630724.html "Donald Trump Talks About Taking Off His Shirt To Show 'Wounds.' Internet Can't Even."], Yahoo News *Israel is the one. And you should let them go and let them go finish the job. He doesn’t want to do it. He’s become like a Palestinian, but hey, don’t like him because he’s a very bad Palestinian. He’s a weak one. **27 June 2024 per [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4744809-donald-trump-joe-biden-debate-palestine-israel/ The Hill article] by Brett Samuels *If we had a real president, a president that knew -- that was respected by Putin ... he would have never invaded Ukraine. **27 June 2024 debate with Joe Biden, cited [https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/trump-says-he-can-end-the-russia-ukraine-war-in-one-day-russia-s-un-ambassador-says-he-can-t-1.6947744 1 July 2024] by Edith Lederer *I really don't know what he said at the end of that sentence. I don't think he knows what he said either. **About Joe Biden. [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4744753-trump-jabs-biden-really-dont-know-what-he-said/ Presidential debate], June 27, 2024 ====July 2024==== * I know nothing about [[Project 2025]]. * I disagree with some of the things they’re saying and some of the things they’re saying are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal. ** Claimed on July 5, 2024, quoted in: ::* [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/07/11/politics/trump-allies-project-2025/index.html "Trump claims not to know who is behind Project 2025. A CNN review found at least 140 people who worked for him are involved"], ''CNN'' (July 11, 2024) ::* [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/russell-vought-project-2025-centre-for-climate-reporting_n_66be3e85e4b04090eac4512c "Project 2025 Co-Author Says Donald Trump ‘Very Supportive Of What We Do’"], ''Huffington Post'' (August 15, 2024) *It was God alone who prevented the unthinkable from happening...In this moment, it is more important than ever that we stand United, and show our True Character as Americans, remaining Strong and Determined, and not allowing Evil to Win **14 July 2024 [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/it-was-god-alone-who-prevented-the-unthinkable-trump-on-assassination-attempt-6104182 per NDTV] *By luck or by God, many people are saying it’s by God I’m still here.<br>The agents hit me so hard that my shoes fell off, and my shoes are tight.<br>I had all prepared an extremely tough speech, really good, all about the corrupt, horrible administration. But I threw it away. I want to try to unite our country. **14 July 2024 cited by [https://nypost.com/2024/07/14/us-news/grateful-defiant-trump-recounts-surreal-assassination-attempt-at-rally-im-supposed-to-be-dead/ NY Post] writer Michael Goodwin and [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/07/15/trump-assassination-attempt-rnc-speech-00168251 Politico] writer Isabella Ramirez * Kamala even wants to pass laws to outlaw RED MEAT to stop climate change. * You know what that means? That means no more cows. * I guess eventually she’s gonna mean no more people. Right? No more people. ** Claimed on July 25, 2024, without providing evidence, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/fact-check-kamala-harris-does-not-want-to-ban-red-meat-as-trump-keeps-falsely-claiming-204515645.html "Fact check: ​​Kamala Harris does not want to ban red meat as Trump keeps falsely claiming"], ''Yahoo News'' (August 1, 2024) * And then the [Kamala Harris] campaign says, 'I'm the prosecutor and he is the convicted felon.' **25 July 2024 [https://www.comicsands.com/harris-trump-ad-prosecutor-felon-2668815011.html# "Kamala Harris Uses 6-Second Clip Of Trump Telling The Truth About Her Campaign In New Ad—And It's Gold"], ''Comic Sands'' *They say something happened to me when I got shot. I became nice.<br>If you don't mind, I'm not going to be nice. Is that okay?<br>If border czar Harris is in charge, every week they'll bring in a neverending stream of illegal aliens, rapists, blood thirsty killers, child murderers to go after our sons and our daughters.<br>Everything Kamala touches turns into a total disaster. **25 July 2024 claims about US Vice President [[Kamala Harris]] at a sports arena in Charlotte, cited in [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13664627/donald-trump-Charlotte-north-carolina-kamala-harris.html "Donald Trump turns his attention to 'radical left lunatic' Kamala Harris in first rally since Biden dropped out"], ''Daily Mail'' *We have a new victim now, Kamala. A brand new victim, and honestly she’s a radical left lunatic. When you find out about her, all I have to say is defund the police,Three months ago, she was thought of so badly, [the media] were just killing her. And now they’re trying to make her into a, let’s say, Margaret Thatcher. I don’t think so. It’s not going to happen. Margaret Thatcher didn’t laugh like that. Did she? **27 July 2024 in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/07/27/trump-harris-minnesota-rally-shooting-00171526 Politico article] by Myah Ward *I pledge to the bitcoin community, that the day I take the oath of office, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris’ anti-crypto crusade will be over. On day one, I will fire Gary Gensler. **date unknown, [https://www.ft.com/content/03e8e1d2-4244-4eba-9248-9bbd8d1b0090 Financial Times article] *You won't have to do it anymore. Four more years, you know what, it will be fixed, it will be fine, you won't have to vote anymore, my beautiful Christians...I love you Christians. I'm a Christian. I love you, get out, you gotta get out and vote. '''In four years, you don't have to vote again, we'll have it fixed so good you're not going to have to vote.''' **27 July 2024 in a speech to Turning Point Action in West Palm Beach, Florida, quote from the Reuters article [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-tells-christians-they-wont-have-vote-after-this-election-2024-07-27/ "Trump tells Christians they won't have to vote after this election"] by Tim Reid *I thought she was a little younger, but she's 60 **29 July 2024 about Kamala Harris, cited in [https://www.rawstory.com/donald-trump-2668835186/ "She'll 'destroy the country': Trump rambles about Kamala Harris in new Fox News interview"], ''RawStory'' ***Kamala Harris was born 20 October 1964 so would not turn sixty until 20 October 2024, two weeks prior to the upcoming election - she was actually 59 years 9 months old when he said this *I’m not so sure which is better. But she either likes or loves me. And that’s nice. **30 July 2024 about his wife Melania Trump, cited in [https://www.mercurynews.com/2024/07/30/trump-thinks-melania-either-likes-or-loves-him-following-assassination-attempt/ "Trump thinks Melania ‘either likes or loves’ him following assassination attempt"], ''Mercury News'' * Perverts and losers **30 July 2024 describing members of the Lincoln Project, an organisation of moderate conservatives who oppose Trump and trumpism. Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-rages-republicans-campaigning-lincoln-project-1849509 "Donald Trump Rages at Republicans Campaigning Against Him"], ''Newsweek'' * She doesn’t like Jewish people. You know it, I know it and everybody knows it and nobody wants to say it. **30 July 2024 claimed about US Vice President Kamala Harris, who is married to a Jewish husband. Quoted in [https://www.timesofisrael.com/liveblog_entry/trump-claims-harris-doesnt-like-jews-seems-to-agree-with-calling-her-husband-a-crappy-jew/ "Trump claims Harris ‘doesn’t like Jews,’ seems to agree with calling her husband ‘a crappy Jew’"], ''Times of Israel'' * If you are Jewish, regardless of Israel, if you’re Jewish, if you vote for a Democrat, you’re a fool, an absolute fool. **30 July 2024 [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-agrees-with-radio-host-who-calls-doug-emhoff-a-crappy-jew "Trump Agrees With Radio Host Who Calls Emhoff a ‘Crappy Jew’"], ''The Daily Beast'' * So I've known her a long time - indirectly, not directly very much - and she was always of Indian heritage. And she was only promoting Indian heritage. I didn't know she was Black until a number of years ago when she happened to turn Black. And now she wants to be known as Black. So I don't know, is she Indian or is she Black? **31 July 2024 about Kamala Harris, whose mother was a biologist from India and father is an emeritus professor of economics at Stanford University, originating from Jamaica. Quoted in [https://www.nbcchicago.com/dnc-chicago-2024/all-of-a-sudden-trump-tells-black-journalists-in-chicago-that-kamala-harris-turned-black/3507125/ "‘All of a sudden': Trump tells Black journalists in Chicago Kamala Harris ‘turned Black'"], ''NBC Chicago'' * I don't want pronouns. **31 July 2024 [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/donald-trump-gets-basic-english-123624171.html "Donald Trump Gets Basic English Lesson After Ridiculous Comment About His ‘Pronouns’"], ''Huffington Post / Yahoo Entertainment'' * A Black job is anybody that has a job. **31 July 2024 [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/07/31/trump-black-journalist-convention-nabj.html "Trump questions if Harris is Black, downplays Vance pick at Black journalists convention"], ''CNBC'' ====August 2024==== * That’s a weird deal going on there. They’re the weird ones. Nobody’s ever called me weird. I’m a lot of things, but weird I’m not.<br>You notice the evening news, every one of them, you know, they introduced the word ‘weird’, and all of a sudden they’re talking about ‘weird’. No, we’re not weird people. We’re actually just the opposite. We’re right down the middle.<br>No, we're not weird. We're very solid people. We want to have strong borders. We want to have good elections. They’re the weird ones. **1 August 2024 [https://time.com/7009800/donald-trump-responds-weird-label-jd-vance-tim-walz-commentary/ Time] and [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-stop-calling-jd-vance-and-me-weird "Donald Trump: Stop Calling Me and J.D. Vance ‘Weird’"], ''The Daily Beast'' * 24 HOURS UNTIL WE UNLEASH HELL. At this time tomorrow, Crooked Kamala’s worst nightmares come true.<br>Tomorrow I step on stage and deliver Open Border Czar Kamala Harris the WORST defeat of her failed political career.<br> **2 August 2024 campaign e-mail from Trump, cited in [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4808393-trump-unleash-hell-atlanta-rally-harris/ "Trump vows to ‘unleash hell’ on Harris at Atlanta rally"], ''The Hill'' *This one is so smart, so sharp. She grabbed me. She gave me a kiss. I said "I think I'm never going back home to the first lady." See now for the average politician, that's death. For me, I don't care. **4 August 2024 about [[Michaelah Montgomery]] at a rally in Georgia about an incident earlier in 2024, cited in [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13707347/donald-trump-georgia-rally-activist-michaelah-montgomery.html "Trump's risqué remark to young activist who went viral for hugging him at Chick-fil-A after he invited her on stage at rally - as she makes VERY personal dig at Kamala"], ''Daily Mail'' * I’m for electric cars. I have to be, you know, because Elon endorsed me very strongly. So I have no choice. **5 August 2024 [https://www.benzinga.com/news/24/08/40154264/trump-says-electric-cars-are-fantastic-after-tesla-ceo-elon-musks-endorsement-i-have-to-be-you-know "Trump Says Electric Cars Are 'Fantastic' After Tesla CEO Elon Musk's Endorsement: 'I Have To Be, You Know… I Have No Choice'"], ''Benzinga'' * Kamabla Harris is afraid to Debate me on FoxNews **6 August 2024 cited in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-pathetic-way-attacking-120711256.html "Donald Trump’s ‘Pathetic’ New Way Of Attacking Kamala Harris Is Slammed Online"], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' * What are the chances that Crooked Joe Biden, the WORST President in the history of the U.S., whose Presidency was Unconstitutionally STOLEN from him by Kamabla, Barrack HUSSEIN Obama, Crazy Nancy Pelosi, Shifty Adam Schiff, Cryin' Chuck Schumer, and others on the Lunatic Left, CRASHES the Democrat National Convention and tries to take back the Nomination, beginning with challenging me to another DEBATE. He feels that he made a historically tragic mistake by handing over the U.S. Presidency, a COUP, to the people in the World he most hates, and he wants it back, NOW!!! ** 6 August 2024 Cited in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-suggests-biden-may-try-take-back-nomination-1935550 "Donald Trump Suggests Biden May Try to 'Take Back The Nomination'"], ''Newsweek'' * Crazy Kamabla is, indeed, CRAZY. I HEAR THERE IS A BIG MOVEMENT TO “BRING BACK CROOKED JOE". ** 6 August 2024 Cited in [https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-truth-social-biden-walz "Trump shares outrageous Biden prediction in baffling Truth Social rant"], ''Indy100'' * If you look at Caracas, it was known for being a very dangerous city and now it's very safe. In fact, the next interview we do, we'll do it in Caracas, Venezuela, because it's safer than many of our cities. ** 6 August 2024 [https://www.miaminewtimes.com/news/trump-says-caracas-venezuela-is-safer-than-many-us-cities-20962070 "Trump Says Caracas Is 'Safer Than Many of Our Cities'"], ''Miami New Times'' *I heard she's sort of a nasty person.<br>She doesn't do interviews 'cause she can't answer questions. **7 August 2024 about Vice President of the United States of America, Kamala Harris, cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/184640/donald-trump-kamala-harris-attacks "Trump’s Latest Desperate Kamala Attacks Fall Hilariously Flat"], ''The New Republic'' * A ticket that would want this country to go communist immediately, if not sooner.<br>We’re gonna be living like dogs. Our whole country, our whole system, is gonna collapse. **7 August 2024 about [[Tim Walz]], cited in [https://voz.us/en/politics/240807/15242/trump-on-the-election-of-walz-ticket-that-would-want-this-country-to-go-communist-immediately-if-not-sooner.html "Trump, on the selection of Walz: 'A ticket that would want this country to go communist immediately, if not sooner'"], ''Voz'' (August 7, 2024) *Kim Jong Un liked me a lot. He doesn't like this group [the Harris campaign] **8 August 2024 cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/trump-press-conference-mar-a-lago-updates.html "Trump Agrees to Debate Harris at Rambling Press Conference: How It Happened"], ''New York Magazine'' * I’ve spoken to the biggest crowds. Nobody’s spoken to crowds bigger than me. If you look at Martin Luther King when he did his speech, his great speech, and you look at ours, same real estate, same everything, same number of people, if not we had more. And they said he had a million people, but I had 25,000 people.<br>Nobody was killed on Jan. 6.<br>The presidency was taken away from Joe Biden, and I’m no Biden fan, but I tell you what, from a constitutional standpoint, from any standpoint you look at, they took the presidency away.<br>Twenty million people came over the border during the Biden-Harris administration — 20 million people — and it could be very much higher than that. Nobody really knows. **9 August 2024 quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-news-conference-fact-check-misinformation-eb899c1fc734f5ecb42b8d0902e5c004 "FACT FOCUS: A look at claims made by Trump at news conference"], ''AP News'' *Christie, he’s eating right now. He can’t be bothered.<br>Sir, please do not call him a fat pig, that’s very disrespect.<br>See, I’m trying to be nice. Don’t call him a fat pig. You can’t do that.<br>I was extremely respectful of Sloppy Chris Christie today in New Hampshire. During a speech in front of a large crowd of Patriots, somebody shouted out that "Chris Christie is a fat pig." Rather than acknowleding that, which many speakers would have done, I said "No, No, he is not a fat pig." I'm sure Chris would have been very happy with my defense of him! **10 August 2024 [[Chris Christie]], cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2023/08/trump-is-pretending-he-didnt-call-chris-christie-fat-pig.html "Trump Is Pretending He Didn’t Call Christie a ‘Fat Pig’"], ''Intelligencer'' (August 10, 2024) *Has anyone noticed that Kamala CHEATED at the airport? There was nobody at the plane, and she ‘A.I.’d’ it, and showed a massive ‘crowd’ of so-called followers, BUT THEY DIDN’T EXIST! **10 August 2024 cited in [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/08/trump-claims-ai-images-kamala-harris-rallies/679445/ "Trump’s Latest Falsehood Is a Huge Tell"], ''The Atlantic'' *She’s a CHEATER. She had NOBODY waiting, and the ‘crowd’ looked like 10,000 people! Same thing is happening with her fake ‘crowds’ at her speeches. This is the way the Democrats win Elections, by CHEATING ‒ And they’re even worse at the Ballot Box. She should be disqualified because the creation of a fake image is ELECTION INTERFERENCE. Anyone who does that will cheat at ANYTHING!<br>EVERYTHING ABOUT KAMALA IS FAKE! **12 August 2024, cited in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/12/trump-harris-rally-crowd-ai-conspiracy-theory/74763568007/ "Trump blames Harris' crowds on AI, so let's all assume everything we don't like is fake!"], ''USA Today'' *The worst president in history. And one of the reasons he was so bad, first of all, the Israeli attack would have never happened. Russia would never have attacked Ukraine and we'd have no inflation. And we wouldn't have had the Afghanistan mess if you think of it.<br>Now she's looking like she wants to be more Trump than Trump if that's possible.She wants to have open borders. And now she's going like she's tough on the border. It's such a lie. **12 August 2024 in [https://turboscribe.ai/transcript/share/4422534834081521519/HWE18owsC2u8E5u2HpZNikyBdermlV2YSwGlTEPKJJw/donald-trump-and-elon-musk-full-transcript-august-12-2024-https-x-com-i-spaces-1nakepnklwoxl TurboScribe article] *The ocean is going to rise one-eighth of an inch over the next 400 years. **13 August 2024 about sea level rise, which is currently at 4 mm (5/32") per year with an accelerating trend. Quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/12/trump-elon-musk-interview "Trump revisits most divisive talking points in rambling interview with Musk"], The Guardian *The biggest threat is nuclear warming. **13 August 2024 quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/12/trump-elon-musk-interview "Trump revisits most divisive talking points in rambling interview with Musk"], The Guardian *"I said to Vladimir Putin, I said, 'Don't do it. You can't do it, Vladimir, you do it, it's going to be a bad day. You cannot do it.' And I told him things that what I do. And he said, 'No way.' And I said, 'way.' And, you know, it's the last time we ever had the conversation. **13 August 2024 in [https://www.politico.eu/article/trump-zelenskyy-eu-freewheeling-musk-interview/ Politco article] *You’re the greatest cutter,...I need an Elon Musk — I need somebody that has a lot of strength and courage and smarts. I want to close up the Department of Education, move education back to the states. **13 August 2024 in [https://apnews.com/article/donald-trump-elon-musk-x-twitter-livestream-83d6d07fc0ffef4151c96fc56aeec9ee AP News article] *Iran is no friend of mine, a lot of bad signals get sent.The reason is because I was strong on Iran and I was protecting people in the Middle East that maybe they aren’t so happy about that. **14 August 2024 per [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/08/14/trump-iran-hack-campaign-00174002 political article] *Kamala has declared that tackling inflation will be a Day One priority, but Day One for Kamala was 3½ years ago. Why hasn’t she done it? .‌‌.‌‌She's a critic. That's all she is. **14 August 2024 per [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trumps-economy-speech-veers-personal-attacks-harris-biden-rcna166652 NBC News article] * Can I hang our picture together in Mar-a-Lago?<br>I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET YOU! Chris, can we take a picture during our all-expenses-paid trip together? I already have the PERFECT spot picked out in Mar-a-Lago to show it off! * MEET TRUMP! ENTER TO WIN **14 August 2024 mass E-mail sent out to a large number of people. [https://politicalemails.org/messages/1521460 "Can I hang our picture together in Mar-a-Lago?"], PoliticalEmails.com (August 14, 2024) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBudZMFvcvY&t=115s "Trump Goes TOTALLY NUTS as his ENTIRE LIFE COLLAPSES"], ''MeidasTouch'' (August 14, 2024) *Miriam, I watched (Sheldon Adelson, her late husband) sitting so proud in the White House when we gave Miriam the Presidential Medal of Freedom. That’s the highest award you can get as a civilian, it’s the equivalent of the Congressional Medal of Honor, but civilian version. It’s actually much better, because everyone gets the Congressional Medal of Honor – that’s soldiers. They’re either in very bad shape because they’ve been hit so many times by bullets, or they’re dead. She gets it and she’s a healthy, beautiful woman, and they’re rated equal. **15 August 2024 [https://www.cnn.com/2024/08/16/politics/trump-medal-of-honor/index.html Trump says civilian award is ‘much better’ than Medal of Honor] * We’re talking about a thing called the economy.<br>We’re doing this as an intellectual speech.<br>We literally are a third world nation, we literally are a third-world nation. We’re a banana republic in so many ways, and we’re not going to let that happen because we’re starting a free fall.<br>For nearly four years Kamala has crackled as the American economy has burned.<br>What happened to her laugh? I haven’t heard that laugh in about a week. That’s why they keep her off the stage, that’s why she has disappeared.<br>That’s the laugh of a crazy person, I will tell you. She’s crazy.<br>Incompetent socialist lunatic.<br>Kamabla.<br>Rape and murder, rape and beatings, rape and something else, and sometimes just immediate killing. These people are brutal. These are people that came out of the toughest jails anywhere in the world from all over the world, and we can’t take them. **16 August 2024 per [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/14/trump-rally-north-carolina-rambling-economy-harris-crime/74798514007/ "Trump's North Carolina speech went predictably off the rails. Can he even spell 'economy'?"], ''USA today'' * I think I’m entitled to personal attacks.<br>Now you’ll say he ranted and raved […] I’m a very calm person, believe it or not. **16 August 2024 from [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/08/16/politics/trump-fury-harris-switch-campaign-analysis/index.html "Trump’s fury over Harris’ switch with Biden is increasingly driving his campaign"], ''CNN'' * She actually called me ‘weird. And she called JD and I ‘weird.’ He’s not weird, he was a great student at Yale.<br>We have this guy that’s running a failed, really a very failed state who’s had a terrible career. I mean you have him saying, ‘They’re weird.’ No, he’s a weird guy, and she’s weird in her policy. **16 August 2024 claim about Vice President of the USA Kamala Harris and Governor of Minnesota Tim Walz, quoted in [https://sg.news.yahoo.com/trump-denies-jd-vance-weird-040509909.html "Trump Denies He And JD Vance Are Weird In The Weirdest Way Possible"], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' *I watched Sheldon sitting so proud in the White House when we gave Miriam the '''Presidential Medal of Freedom'''.<br>That's the highest award you can get as a civilian.<br>'''It's the equivalent of the Congressional Medal of Honor, but civilian''' version.<br>It's actually much better because everyone gets the Congressional Medal of Honor, they're soldiers.<br>They're either in very bad shape because they've been hit so many times by bullets or they are dead.<br>She gets it and she's a healthy, beautiful woman.<br>And they're '''rated equal''', but she got the Presidential Medal of Freedom. ** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-medal-of-freedom-medal-of-honor/ "Trump says Medal of Freedom "equivalent" to and "much better" than Medal of Honor, sparking backlash from veterans"] ''CBS News'' (August 16, 2024) *Kamala will implement SOVIET Style Price Controls. EVERY American will be taxed up to 80% of their income!<br>If Kamala is elected and implements her Communist Price Caps, there will be famine, starvation, and poverty, the likes of which we have never seen. America will NEVER recover!<br>Kamala Harris wants to raise your taxes and make you pay for free healthcare and free housing in luxury hotels for her millions of illegal aliens. **16 August 2024 quoted in [https://www.rawstory.com/kamala-harris-vs-trump-2668979250/ "Donald Trump rants that 'famine' will come to America if Kamala Harris is elected"], ''RawStory'' *Starting the day I take the oath of office, I will rapidly drive prices down, and we will make America affordable again. **17 August 2024 At a rally in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-claims-continues-personal-attacks-harris/story?id=112921505 Trump claims he's 'better looking,' continues personal attacks toward Harris] ''ABC News'' *I am much better looking than her. I’m a better looking person than Kamala.<br>I say that I’m much better looking than her. I had never heard that one. They said her biggest advantage was that she’s a beautiful-looking woman. Ha. I’d never thought of that.<br>I said, who am I running against, Harris? I said, ‘Who the hell is Harris?'<br>Joe Biden hates her.<br>They will say he’s rambling. I don’t ramble. I’m a really smart guy, **18 August 2024 per [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-im-better-looking-than-kamala-and-dont-say-i-ramble "Trump: ‘I’m Better Looking than Kamala—and Don’t Say I Ramble’"], ''The Daily Beast'' *You know, he said we’re weird. That J.D. and I are weird. I think we’re extremely normal people. We’re like you, we’re exactly like you.<br>He [Tim Walz] is weird. Did you ever see him go on the stage and go, like, crazy? Between his movement and her laugh, there’s a lot of crazy. I’d say a step further than weird, weird is a nice word by comparison. **19 August 2024 to a small crowd in York, Pennsylvania, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/trump-insists-extremely-normal-during-204337061.html "Trump Insists He’s “Extremely Normal” During Incredibly Weird Speech"], ''Yahoo News / The New Republic'' *Prices will come down. You just watch: They’ll come down, and they’ll come down fast, not only with insurance, with everything…. Prices will come down and come down dramatically and come down fast. **20 August 2024 from a recent speech in Asheville, North Carolina, quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2024/08/20/business/trump-inflation-prices-deflation/index.html Trump promises to make prices plunge again. That’s a dangerous proposal] ''CNN'' *You can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread. You get shot, you get mugged, you get raped, you get whatever it may be. **21 August 2024 at a rally in Howell, Michigan, quoted in [https://ca.news.yahoo.com/trumps-latest-claim-crime-real-224038664.html "Trump's Latest Claim About Crime Is A Real Doozy"], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' * That was a coup, it was a vicious violent overthrow of a president of the United States. **20 August 2024 about [[Joe Biden]] pulling out of the 2024 presidential election, quoted in [https://ktrh.iheart.com/featured/houston-texas-news/content/2024-08-20-trump-counters-dnc-with-rally-in-michigan-that-was-a-coup/ "Trump Counters DNC With Rally In Michigan - "That Was A Coup""], ''KTRH Local Houston and Texas News'' *We have a fool as a president. **20 August 2024 cited in [https://ktrh.iheart.com/featured/houston-texas-news/content/2024-08-20-trump-counters-dnc-with-rally-in-michigan-that-was-a-coup/ "Trump Counters DNC With Rally In Michigan - "That Was A Coup""], ''KTRH Local Houston and Texas News'' *I think that women living in the suburbs—I keep hearing about ‘the suburban woman doesn’t like Trump,’ well, I think it’s a fake poll because why wouldn’t they like me? I keep the suburbs safe. **202 August 2024 during a rally in a garage in Howell, Michigan, quoted in [https://newrepublic.com/post/185085/donald-trump-derails-speech-crime-complain-women "Trump Derails Weird Speech on Crime to Complain Women Hate Him"], ''New Republic'' *We're going to bring up electronics too. Electronics. We buy everything away. When you see the sophistication of the product I just saw at this place, electronics is peanuts. **20 August 2024 in [https://www.dailykos.com/story/2024/8/19/2264243/-Thanks-Joe-We-won-t-forget-who-was-POTUS-in-2020 "Thanks, Joe. We won't forget who was POTUS in 2020"], ''Daily Kos'' *Our primary focus is not to get out the vote, it is to make sure they don’t cheat. We have all the votes we’ll need. You can see it ... every house along the way has signs: Trump, Trump, Trump, Vance, Trump, Vance. **20 August 2024 in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trump-says-focus-ensuring-democrats-dont-cheat-not-voter-turnout-rcna167630 "Trump says his focus is ensuring Democrats 'don't cheat,' not voter turnout — echoing efforts to undermine election"], ''NBC News'' *There will be no future under Comrade Kamala Harris, because she will take us into a Nuclear World War III , She will never be respected by the Tyrants of the World! **23 August 2024 in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/23/trump-reaction-harris-dnc-speech "Harris’s convention speech sparks live rant from outraged Trump"], ''The Guardian'' *My Administration will be great for women and their reproductive rights. **23 August 2024 [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/113012083325505976 Truth Social] *Kamala Harris is the weakest presidential candidate in history on crime.<br>She’s allowed millions of people to pour through our borders, many from prisons, mental institutions and, indeed, terrorists, coming in at levels never seen before.<br>What gives her the right to run for president?<br>She got no votes to Biden’s fourteen million.<br>She failed in her previous attempt, was the first one out of twenty-two people to quit, never made it to Iowa, and now she’s a presidential candidate?<br>This is a '''threat to democracy'''! ** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-2669023213/ "'What gives her the right to run?' Trump launches overnight tirade at Kamala Harris"], ''RawStory'' (August 24, 2024) *The truth is, they’re trying to get out of it because she doesn’t want to debate. She’s not a good debater, she’s not a smart person. She doesn’t want to debate. **26 August 2024 in response to the Harris campaign‘s demand that their September 10th debate occur without muted microphones; in [https://nypost.com/2024/08/26/us-news/harris-campaign-urges-trump-to-take-abc-news-debate-without-muted-microphone/ "Trump says Harris ‘trying to get out of’ debate over unmuted microphones demand"] *15 stunning all-new digital trading cards, it's really something. These cards show me dancing, even holding some BitCoins! ** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-digital-trading-cards-2669080783/ "Trump revives widely mocked digital trading cards as Harris gains in polls"], ''RawStory'' (August 27, 2024) *The Harris/Biden administration has been caught fraudulently manipulating job statistics to hide the true extent of the economic ruin that they’ve inflicted on America, Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that the administration padded the numbers with an extra, listen to this one, 818,000 jobs that don’t exist. **[https://www.poynter.org/fact-checking/2024/job-data-manipulated-fact-check/ "Donald Trump falsely claimed that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris manipulated job data"], ''Poynter'' (August 27, 2024) * I think to a certain extent it’s Biden’s fault and Harris’s fault. And I’m the opponent. Look, they were weaponizing government against me, they brought in the whole DOJ to try and get me, they weren’t too interested in my health and safety,They’re saying I’m a threat to democracy,They would say that, that was standard line, just keep saying it, and you know that can get assassins or potential assassins going. That’s a terrible thing … Maybe that bullet is because of their rhetoric. ** With "dr Phil" [https://archive.ph/mamCT "Trump, without evidence, in part faults Biden, Harris for assassination attempt"], ''Washington Post'' (August 28, 2024) *Well, I think the six-week (ban) is too short. It has to be more time. So…and I’ve told them that, I want more weeks. I am going to be voting that we need more than six weeks…. I believe in exceptions for life of the mother, —if you look— incest, rape. ** 29 August 2024 when asked how he was going to vote on the Florida amendment to overturn the six-week ban on abortion; in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-says-wants-make-ivf-treatments-paid-government-insurance-compani-rcna168804 "Trump says he wants to make IVF treatments paid for by government or insurance companies if elected"] *I’m announcing today in a major statement that under the Trump administration, your government will pay for — or your insurance company will be mandated to pay for — all costs associated with IVF treatment. Because we want more babies, to put it nicely. **30 August 2024 in [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/us/we-want-more-babies-trump-promises-free-ivf-treatments-amid-abortion-rights-debate-says-us-government-will-pay-but-how/articleshow/112909996.cms 'We want more babies': Trump promises free IVF treatments amid abortion rights debate, says 'US government will pay' - But how?] *I’ll be voting ’no’ for that reason<br>“’No’ on (Florida) Amendment 4?”<br>For that reason because it‘s radical. You talk about radical. Doing an abortion in the ninth month is unacceptable to anybody…. There‘s something in between, but the six (weeks) is too short, it‘s just too short a period and the nine months is unacceptable…. But for that reason, for the radicalization on the Democrats side, we‘re voting ’no’.<br>“…Would you veto a federal abortion ban?”<br>I‘m not going to have to think about it because it‘s working out so well right now. The states are doing it. It‘s a states issue…. Well, what‘s happening is you‘re never going to have to do it because it‘s being done by the states. The states are voting. And the people are now getting a chance to vote and this is the way everybody wanted it. **30 August 2024 when asked about how he would vote on the Florida abortion amendment in the upcoming election in [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/pro-lifers-blast-trump-betrayal-shifting-abortion-stance-answer-florida-amendment-4 Pro-lifers blast Trump 'betrayal' with shifting abortion stance, answer on Florida Amendment 4] *It’s crazy. Our country is being '''poisoned''', and your schools and your children are suffering greatly because they’re going into the classrooms, they’re taking the seats and they don’t even speak English. **30 Aug 2024 quoted in [https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2024/aug/30/our-country-is-being-poisoned-trump-says-as-he-cou/ Washington Times article by Ali Swenson and Will Weissert] * If you look at Kamala and you look at what she’s done to every place she’s touched has turned to s**t. Every single place she’s touched. I have to say, it. Every place she’s touched, you know? ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/melania-plea-trump-control-swearing-202341688.html "Melania’s plea for Trump to control his swearing flops as he tears into Harris at rally"], ''Yahoo News / Independent'' (August 31, 2024) * I don’t need publicity. I get a lot of publicity. I would like to get a lot less publicity.<br>I would hire a public relations agent to get less publicity. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/30/trump-pennsylvania-rally-arlington-cemetery-photo-op?utm_source=sdrn%3Avg%3Aarticle%3AJbnA66 "Trump denies exploiting visit to US soldiers’ graves: ‘I don’t need publicity’"], ''The Guardian'' (August 31, 2024) *Now, they have Kamala who has many deficiencies, but she's a nasty person. The way she treated [[Mike Pence]] was horrible. The way she treats people is horrible. **31 August 2024 [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-saying-kamala-harris-was-horrible-mike-pence-mocked-1947392 Donald Trump Saying Kamala Harris Was 'Horrible' to Mike Pence Mocked] ====September 2024==== *you take a look at Venezuela as an example, the crime is down 72% because they've taken their criminals from Caracas, they've taken their drug dealers. They're emptying their prisons into our country **[https://www.wtae.com/article/kamala-harris-donald-trump-pennsylvania-fact-check/62048503] ** [https://www.factcheck.org/2024/06/crime-drop-in-venezuela-does-not-prove-trumps-claim-the-country-is-sending-criminals-to-u-s/ "Crime Drop in Venezuela Does Not Prove Trump’s Claim the Country Is Sending Criminals to U.S."], ''FactCheck.org'' (June 14, 2024) * I think you believe [in God] more, because when you speak to experts, like my sons who are shooting experts. But when you speak to experts, they said there was no chance that he could have missed from that distance....<br>I think you think like, if you believe in God, you believe in God more. And somebody said like, why? And I’d like to think that God thinks that I’m going to straighten out our country. Our country is so sick and it’s so broken. Our country is just broken. And maybe that was the reason, I don’t know. I don’t know, a lot of people have said that. ** Speaking about assassination attempt on July 14, 2024, in interview on Fox News “Life, Liberty & Levin”, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4858345-trump-id-like-to-think-that-god-thinks-that-im-going-to-straighten-out-our-country/ "Trump: ‘I’d like to think that God thinks that I’m going to straighten out our country’"], ''The Hill'' [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RbQ2Gb2AG4 YouTube interview] (September 1, 2024) *You just cannot let them have a nuclear weapon. But I will say this: If they do have a nuclear weapon, Israel is gone. ** [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202409014919 "Trump says if Iran gets a nuke, 'Israel will be gone'"], ''Iran International'' (September 1, 2024) * Whoever heard you get indicted for interfering with a presidential election where you have every right to do it? ** [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-says-he-had-every-right-interfere-2020-election-2024-09-02/ "Trump says he had 'every right' to interfere in 2020 election"], ''CNN'' (September 2, 2024) * You know, I do the weave. You know what the weave is? I’ll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together and it’s like, and friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, ‘It’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen.’ But the fake news, you know what they say? ‘He rambled.’ ** [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/critics-call-hilarious-bs-donald-094722633.html "Critics Call Hilarious BS On Donald Trump's New Brag About His Speeches"], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' (September 2, 2024) * [About Project 2025:] I know nothing about it, and they know that, too. Democrats know that, and I purposely haven't read it because I want to say to you I don't, I have no idea what it's all about.<br>It's easier than saying I read it and you know, all of the things. No, I purposely haven't read it, and I've heard about it.<br>I've heard about things that are in there that I don't like, and there's some things in there that everybody would like, but there are things that I don't like at all. ** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-project-2025-2669122309/ "Trump says ‘purposefully’ hasn’t read Project 2025 — but everybody would like parts of it"], ''RawStory'' (September 3, 2024) *But I’ve done well with debates. I became president, and then the second time I got millions more votes than I got the first time. I was told if I got 63 million … you would win. You can’t not win. And I got millions of more votes than that and lost by a whisker but— and look at what happened with the world. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-lex-fridman-podcast-interview-b2606533.html Trump admits he lost 2020 election ‘by a whisker’ during Lex Fridman podcast], ''Independent'' (September 3, 2024) "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCbfTN-caFI Donald Trump Interview - Lex Fridman Podcast #442]" (at 10m51s), Lex Fridman, 3 September 2024. * I am proud to represent our Failing Nation in fighting the GREATEST POLITICAL WITCH HUNT IN HISTORY. REMOVE THE GAG ORDER SO THAT I CAN SHOW HOW CORRUPT OUR COURT SYSTEM IS. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE NOT TO BE GAGGED! ** Claimed about a court order to stop repeatedly intimidating witnesses and attacking family members of a judge in a felony court case, quoted in [https://www.msn.com/en-au/news/other/i-am-proud-to-represent-our-failing-nation-trump-melts-down-in-early-morning-court-rant/ar-AA1pZ1jo "'I am proud to represent our failing nation': Trump melts down in early morning court rant"], ''MSN / Raw Story'' (September 4, 2024) *I’ve been preparing all my life for this debate. **Referring to his upcoming September 10th debate with Kamala Harris, in [https://www.wbtw.com/news/washington-dc-news/harris-and-trump-court-voters-ahead-of-first-debate/ Harris and Trump court voters ahead of first debate], ''News13 WBTW'' (September 4, 2024) * [Asked about what specific legislation Trump would advance to make child care affordable:] Well, I would do that, and we’re sitting down, and I was, somebody, we had Senator Marco Rubio, and my daughter Ivanka was so impactful on that issue. It’s a very important issue. But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I’m talking about, that, because, look, child care is child care is. It’s, couldn’t, you know, there’s something, you have to have it. In this country you have to have it. But when you talk about those numbers compared to the kind of numbers that I’m talking about by taxing foreign nations at levels that they’re not used to — but they’ll get used to it very quickly – and it’s not gonna stop them from doing business with us, but they’ll have a very substantial tax when they send product into our country. Those numbers are so much bigger than any numbers that we’re talking about, including child care, that it’s going to take care. We’re gonna have — I, I look forward to having no deficits within a fairly short period of time, coupled with the reductions that I told you about on waste and fraud and all of the other things that are going on in our country, because I have to stay with child care. I want to stay with child care, but those numbers are small relative to the kind of economic numbers that I’m talking about, including growth, but growth also headed up by what the plan is that I just, that I just told you about. We’re gonna be taking in trillions of dollars, and as much as child care is talked about as being expensive, it’s relatively speaking not very expensive compared to the kind of numbers we’ll be taking in. We’re going to make this into an incredible country that can afford to take care of its people, and then we’ll worry about the rest of the world. Let’s help other people. But we’re going to take care of our country first. This is about America first. It’s about Make America Great Again. We have to do it because right now we’re a failing nation, so we’ll take care of it. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-childcare-economy-speech-b2607970.html "Trump tried to explain how he plans to make childcare more affordable. It was a word salad"], ''Independent'' (September 6, 2024)<!--Quoted by several other sources, such as ''All In with Chris Hayes'', https://www.rawstory.com/trump-decline/, see video here: https://www.c-span.org/video/?538141-1/fmr-pres-trump-remarks-economic-club-york--> * But the transgender thing is incredible. Think of it. Your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation. The school decides what's going to happen with your child. And you know, many of these childs [sic] 15 years later say, 'What the hell happened? Who did this to me?' They say, 'Who did this to me?' It's incredible. ** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-schools-transgender-surgeries/ "Trump's Claim That Children Received Gender-Affirming Surgeries at School Is False"], ''Snopes'' (September 5, 2024) * As the first order of business, this commission will develop an action plan to totally eliminate fraud and improper payments within six months, saving trillions of dollars ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/06/technology/elon-musk-donald-trump-influence.html How Elon Musk Is Influencing Donald Trump], ''New York Times'' (September 6, 2024) * [On the likelihood of him sexually abusing a woman in 1979:] She said I was making out with her and then I grabbed her in a certain part. Think of the impracticality of this. I'm famous in a plane, people are coming into the plane and I grab a woman - what are the chances of that happening? Frankly, I know you're going to say it's a terrible thing to say but it couldn't have happened, it didn't happen because she would not have been the chosen one. **[https://www.the-express.com/news/politics/147957/donald-trump-e-jean-carroll-court-appeal Trump declares E. Jean Carroll 'not the chosen one' in bizarre rant following court appeal], ''Daily Express US'' [https://youtube.com/watch?v=mFdzWJXPYbo Trump mocks his sexual assault accuser: ‘She would not have been the chosen one’], MSNBC YouTube (September 6, 2024) *I am the Peace President, and only I will stop World War III! **[https://www.mediaite.com/trump/trump-loses-it-on-the-cheneys-after-they-endorse-harris-irrelevant-rino-along-with-his-daughter/ Trump Loses It on the Cheneys After They Endorse Harris: ‘Irrelevant RINO, Along with His Daughter!’] ''Mediaite'' [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/113093196894480530] (September 6, 2024) * I better win, I better win, or you're going to have problems like we've never had. We may have no country left. It may be our last election. ** [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-claims-israel-gone-two-years-harris-elected-president-video "Trump claims Israel will be 'gone' within two years if Harris is elected president: video"], ''Fox News'' (September 7, 2024) *WHEN I WIN, those people that CHEATED will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the Law, which will include long term prison sentences so that this Depravity of Justice does not happen again.<br>Please beware that this legal exposure extends to Lawyers, Political Operatives, Donors, Illegal Voters, & Corrupt Election Officials. Those involved in unscrupulous behavior will be sought out, caught, and prosecuted at levels, unfortunately, never seen before in our Country. **[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/trump-threatens-long-prison-sentences-for-those-who-cheat-in-the-election-if-he-wins Trump threatens long prison sentences for those who ‘cheat’ in the election if he wins], ''PBS News'' (September 8, 2024) *The moment we win, we will rapidly review the cases of every political prisoner unjustly victimized by the Harris regime, and I will sign their pardons on day one. With your vote this election, their lying, cheating, thieving, hoaxing, and plotting will come to an end. We got to stop the cheating. If we stop that cheating, if we don't let them cheat, I don't even have to campaign anymore. We're going to win by so much. **At a rally in Wisconsin on Saturday, [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/cnc/date/2024-09-09/segment/07 CNN News Central Transcripts] (September 9, 2024) * Can you imagine you’re a parent and your son leaves the house and you say, ‘Jimmy, I love you so much. Go have a good day in school’ and your son comes back with a brutal operation. Can you even imagine this? What the hell is wrong with our country? ** [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-falsely-claims-children-being-195728811.html "Trump falsely claims children being forced into gender transition ops at school in rambling fantasy-filled rally speech"], ''Yahoo News / Independent'' (September 9, 2024) * I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT! ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/15/trump-says-i-hate-taylor-swift-after-pop-star-endorses-kamala-harris.html "Trump says ‘I hate Taylor Swift’ after pop star endorses Kamala Harris"], ''CNBC'' (September 15, 2024) * Latin music superstar Nicky Jam. Do you know Nicky? She’s hot. ** Claimed about the singer after he endorsed Trump, quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/music/2024/09/15/donald-trump-nicky-jam-las-vegas-rally/75237185007/ "Donald Trump misgenders reggaeton star Nicky Jam at rally: 'She's hot'"], ''USA Today'' (September 16, 2024) *We have to call it Covid. What the hell does Covid mean. The China virus. A lot of people think they did that because they were not happy with me as president. **[https://www.the-express.com/news/politics/148953/trump Trump pushes theory that 'China created Covid-19 because they didn't like his presidency'] (September 17, 2024) *I don't know what happened. With the bomb threats. I know that it's been taken over by illegal migrants, and that's a terrible thing that happened. Springfield was this beautiful town, and now they're going through hell. **[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/how-life-in-springfield-has-been-disrupted-by-lies-about-its-haitian-community How life in Springfield has been disrupted by lies about its Haitian community], ''PBS News'' (17 September, 2024) * We have Bagram in Alaska. ** [https://alaskabeacon.com/briefs/at-town-hall-trump-mixes-up-alaska-and-afghanistan-with-confusing-remarks-on-oil/ "At town hall, Trump mixes up Alaska and Afghanistan with confusing remarks on oil"] ''Alaska Beacon'' (September 18, 2024) * Nobody can draw crowds like me... I’m the greatest of all time. Maybe greater even than Elvis. Elvis had a guitar, I don’t have a guitar. I don’t have the privilege of a guitar. ** [https://www.msn.com/en-au/news/other/donald-trump-boasts-he-is-greater-than-elvis/ar-AA1qPeXs "Donald Trump boasts he is ‘greater than Elvis’"], ''MSN'' (September 19, 2024) *She doesn’t like doing interviews. And she’s not knowledgeable about economy and various things, and I think it would be a problem. But you know what? [Biden] was pretty much gone. They said, 'Joe, it’s over. You're getting out.' And they put her in, and she somehow — a woman — somehow she's doing better than he did. But I can't imagine it can last. **During an appearance on Fox News’ ''Gutfeld!'', [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-seemed-surprised-kamala-200648284.html Donald Trump Just Made An Eyebrow-Raising Observation About Kamala Harris], ''Yahoo News'' (September 19, 2024) * This is Martin Luther King on steroids. I told that to Mark. I said, 'I think you're better than Martin Luther King. I think you are Martin Luther King times two.' ** Said about candidate for North Carolina governor [[Mark Robinson (American politician)|Mark Robinson]], quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/robinson-expected-attend-trumps-north-carolina-rally-amid/story?id=113873656 "Robinson not expected to attend Trump's North Carolina rally amid scandal: Sources"], ''ABC News'' (September 21, 2024) * Anybody that thinks crime is going down is a serious brain problem. ** [https://www.scrippsnews.com/us-news/crime/murder-other-violent-crime-rates-dropped-across-us-last-year-new-fbi-data-shows "Murder, other violent crime rates dropped across US last year, new FBI data shows"], ''Scripps News'' (September 23, 2024) * She had the other interview with the other guy who was a nice guy I think from Philadelphia from Pennsylvania, he was a nice guy, he was asking her all these (scrambles words) – the daily take – they don’t take like I do! Anybody wants to go, go what the hell differences they make – they have – and how dishonest was ABC. * I'm cognitively very strong. ** [https://au.news.yahoo.com/trump-teased-over-rambling-word-120404261.html "Trump teased over rambling ‘word salad’ at rally as he insists he is 'cognitively very strong'"], ''Yahoo News / The Independent'' (September 24, 2024) * If any senior doesn't vote for Trump, we're gonna have to send you to a psychiatrist to have your head examined. ** [https://www.mediaite.com/trump/trump-tells-another-group-of-voters-to-have-your-head-examined/ "Trump Tells ANOTHER Group of Voters to 'Have Your Head Examined'"], ''Mediaite'' (September 25, 2024) * Has there EVER been a WORSE HOST than Jimmy Kimmel at The Oscars. His opening was that of a less than average person trying too hard to be something which he is not, and never can be. * I said, ‘He’s one of the dumbest human beings ever.’ He should have listened to his wife. What a dope. ** [https://www.thewrap.com/jimmy-kimmel-live-trump-dumbest-human-being-response/ "Jimmy Kimmel Claps Back at Trump Calling Him ‘One of the Dumbest Human Beings Ever’: ‘He’s Confusing Me With One of His Sons’"] ''The Wrap'' (September 25, 2024) *If I were the president, I would inform the threatening country, in this case, Iran, that if you do anything to harm this person, we are going to blow your largest cities and the country itself to smithereens. We're going to blow it to smithereens. There would be no more threats. **[https://abcnews.go.com/International/trump-lashes-iran-security-officials-warn-rise-foreign/story?id=114086967 "Trump suggests Iran tied to assassination attempts, issues blunt warning"], ''ABC News'' (September 26, 2024) *It has been determined that Google has illegally used a system of only revealing and displaying bad stories about Donald J Trump, some made up for this purpose while, at the same time, only revealing good stories about Comrade Kamala Harris. This is an ILLEGAL ACTIVITY, and hopefully the Justice Department will criminally prosecute them for this blatant Interference of Elections. If not, and subject to the Laws of our Country, I will request their prosecution, when I win the Election and become President of the United States. **From a post on ''Truth Social'', cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/sep/27/trump-google-threat-criminal-charges Trump vows to seek criminal charges against Google if re-elected president], ''The Guardian'' (September 28, 2024) *Crooked Joe Biden became mentally impaired, Sad. But lying Kamala Harris, honestly, I believe she was born that way. There’s something wrong with Kamala. And I just don’t know what it is but there is definitely something missing. And you know what, everybody knows it. **[https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/trump-says-there-s-something-wrong-with-harris-and-that-she-s-mentally-impaired-1.7056321 "Trump says there's 'something wrong' with Harris and that she's 'mentally impaired'] ''CTV News / Associated Press'' (September 29, 2024) ====1st Debate with Kamala Harris (September 10, 2024)==== *<i>in response to Kamala Harris bringing up Project 2025:</I><Br>…she knows better than anyone, I have nothing to do with Project 2025. That's out there. I haven't read it. I don't want to read it, purposely. I'm not going to read it. This was a group of people that got together, they came up with some ideas. I guess some good, some bad. But it makes no difference. I have nothing to do -- everybody knows I'm an open book. Everybody knows what I'm going to do. Cut taxes very substantially. And create a great economy like I did before. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>regarding inflation during the Biden presidency:</i><br><b>I had no inflation,</b> virtually no inflation, they had the highest inflation, perhaps in the history of our country because I've never seen a worse period of time. <b>People can't go out and buy cereal bacon or eggs or anything else.</b> These the people of our country are absolutely dying with what they've done. They've destroyed the economy and all you have to do it look at a poll. The polls say 80 and 85 and even 90% that the Trump economy was great that their economy was terrible. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *We hardly make chips anymore because of philosophies like they have and policies like they have. I don't say her because she has no policy. Everything that she believed three years ago and four years ago is out the window. She's going to my philosophy now. In fact, I was going to send her a MAGA hat. She's gone to my philosophy. But if she ever got elected, she'd change it. And it will be the end of our country. <b>She's a Marxist. Everybody knows she's a Marxist.</b> **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *But when you look at what she's done to our country and when you look at these <b>millions and millions of people that are pouring into our country monthly</b> where it's I believe 21 million people, not the 15 that people say, and I think it's a lot higher than the 21. That's bigger than New York state. Pouring in. And just look at what they're doing to our country. They're criminals. Many of these people coming in are criminals. And that's bad for our economy too. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>LINSEY DAVIS: …Vice President Harris says that women shouldn't trust you on the issue of abortion because you've changed your position so many times. Therefore, why should they trust you?</i><br>Well, the reason I'm doing that vote [voting “no” on the Florida abortion ban] is because the plan is, as you know, the vote is, they have abortion in the ninth month. They even have, and you can look at the governor of West Virginia, the previous governor of West Virginia, not the current governor, who's doing an excellent job, but the governor before. He said the baby will be born and we will decide what to do with the baby. In other words, we'll execute the baby. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *But her vice presidential pick [Tim Walz] says abortion in the ninth month is absolutely fine. <b>He also says execution after birth, it's execution, no longer abortion, because the baby is born, is okay.</b> And that's not okay with me. Hence the vote. But what I did is something for 52 years they've been trying to get Roe v. Wade into the states. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *And now states are voting on it. And for the first time you're going to see -- look, this is an issue that's torn our country apart for 52 years. Every legal scholar, every Democrat, every Republican, liberal, conservative, they all wanted this issue to be brought back to the states where the people could vote. And that's what happened, happened. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …But understand, if Donald Trump were to be re-elected, he will sign a national abortion ban….</i><br>I’m not signing a ban. And there's no reason to sign a ban. Because we've gotten what everybody wanted. Democrats, Republicans and everybody else and every legal scholar wanted it to be brought back into the states. And the states are voting. And it may take a little time, but for 52 years this issue has torn our country apart. And they've wanted it back in the states. And I did something that nobody thought was possible. The states are now voting. What she says is an absolute lie. And as far as the abortion ban, no, I'm not in favor of abortion ban. But it doesn't matter because this issue has now been taken over by the states. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …You will see during the course of his rallies he talks about fictional characters like Hannibal Lecter. He will talk about windmills cause cancer. And what you will also notice is that people start leaving his rallies early out of exhaustion and boredom….</i><br>First let me respond as to the rallies. She said people start leaving. <b>People don't go to her rallies.</b> There's no reason to go. And the people that do go, <b>she's busing them in and paying them to be there.</b> And then showing them in a different light. So, she can't talk about that. People don't leave my rallies. <b>We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics.</b> That's because people want to take their country back. Our country is being lost. <b>We're a failing nation. And it happened three and a half years ago.</b> And what, what's going on here, <b>you're going to end up in World War 3,</b> just to go into another subject. What they have done to our country by allowing these millions and millions of people to come into our country. And look at what's happening to the towns all over the United States. And a lot of towns don't want to talk -- not going to be Aurora or Springfield. A lot of towns don't want to talk about it because they're so embarrassed by it. <b>In Springfield, they're eating the dogs. The people that came in. They're eating the cats. They're eating -- they're eating the pets of the people that live there.</b> And this is what's happening in our country. And it's a shame….<br><I>DAVID MUIR: I just want to clarify here, you bring up Springfield, Ohio. And ABC News did reach out to the city manager there. He told us there have been no credible reports of specific claims of pets being harmed, injured or abused by individuals within the immigrant community --</i><br><b>Well, I've seen people on television</b><br><i>DAVID MUIR: Let me just say here this ...</i><br><b>The people on television say my dog was taken and used for food.</b> So maybe he said that and maybe that's a good thing to say for a city manager.<br><i>DAVID MUIR: I'm not taking this from television. I'm taking it from the city manager.</i><br><b>But the people on television say their dog was eaten by the people that went there.</b><br><i>DAVID MUIR: Again, the Springfield city manager says there's no evidence of that.</i><br>*<b>We'll find out.</b> **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *But just to finish, I got more votes than any Republican in history by far. In fact, I got more votes than any president, sitting president in history by far. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: You also said you would use local police. How would you deport 11 million undocumented immigrants? I know you believe that number is much higher….</i><br> Yeah. It is much higher because of them. They allowed criminals. Many, many, millions of criminals. They allowed terrorists. They allowed common street criminals. They allowed people to come in, drug dealers, to come into our country, and they're now in the United States. And told by their countries like Venezuela don't ever come back or we're going to kill you. Do you know that crime in Venezuela and crime in countries all over the world is way down? You know why? Because they've taken their criminals off the street and they've given them to her to put into our country. And this will be one of the greatest mistakes in history for them to allow -- and I think they probably did it because they think they're going to get votes. But it's not worth it. Because they're destroying the fabric of our country by what they've done. There's never been anything done like this at all. They've destroyed the fabric of our country. Millions of people let in. And all over the world crime is down. All over the world except here. Crime here is up and through the roof. Despite their fraudulent statements that they made. Crime in this country is through the roof. And we have a new form of crime. It's called migrant crime. And it's happening at levels that nobody thought possible.<br><i>DAVID MUIR: President Trump, as you know, the FBI says overall violent crime is actually coming down in this country, but Vice President the...</i><br>Excuse me, the FBI -- they were defrauding statements. They didn't include the worst cities. They didn't include the cities with the worst crime. It was a fraud. Just like their number of 818,000 jobs that they said they created turned out to be a fraud. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>Responding to Harris listing the criminal cases against Trump:</i><br>Excuse me. Every one of those cases was started by them against their political opponent. And I'm winning most of them and I'll win the rest on appeal. And you saw that with the decision that came down just recently from the Supreme Court. I'm winning most of them. But those are cases, it's called weaponization. Never happened in this country. They weaponized the justice department. Every one of those cases was involved with the DOJ, from Atlanta and Fani Willis -- to the attorney general of New York and the D.A. In New York. Every one of those cases. And then they say oh, he was -- he's a criminal. They're the ones that made them go after me. By the way, Joe Biden was found essentially guilty on the documents case. And what happened in my documents case? They said oh, that's the toughest of them all. A complete and total victory. Two months ago it was thrown out. It's weaponization. And they used it. And it's never happened in this country. They used it to try and win an election. They're fake cases….<br>…This is the one that weaponized. Not me. She weaponized. I probably took a bullet to the head because of the things that they say about me. They talk about democracy. I'm a threat to democracy. They're the threat to democracy – With the fake Russia Russia Russia investigation that went nowhere. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>Responding to Harris‘ statement that he inherited $400 million:</i><br>Well, first of all, I wasn't given $400 million. I wish I was. My father was a Brooklyn builder. Brooklyn, Queens. And a great father and I learned a lot from him. But I was given a fraction of that, a tiny fraction, and I built it into many, many billions of dollars. Many, many billions. And when people see it, they are even surprised. So, we don't have to talk about that. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *She went out -- she went out in Minnesota and wanted to let criminals that killed people, that burned down Minneapolis, she went out and raised money to get them out of jail. She did things that nobody would ever think of. Now she wants to do transgender operations on illegal aliens that are in prison. This is a radical left liberal that would do this. She wants to confiscate your guns and she will never allow fracking in Pennsylvania. If she won the election, fracking in Pennsylvania will end on day one. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *Because <b>the prices of energy were quadrupling and doubling.</b> You saw what happened to gasoline. So, they said let’s go back to Trump. But if she won the election, the day after that election, they’ll go back to destroying our country and oil will be dead, fossil fuel will be dead. We’ll go back to windmills and we’ll go back to solar, where they need a whole desert to get some energy to come out. You ever see a solar plant? By the way, I’m a big fan of solar. But they take 400, 500 acres of desert soil— These are not good things for the environment that she understands. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: You were the president. You were watching [the January 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol] unfold on television. It’s a very simple question as we move forward toward another election. Is there anything you regret about what you did on that day? Yes or no.<br></i>I had nothing to do with that other than they asked me to make a speech. I showed up for a speech. I said, I think it’s going to be big. I went to Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington, D.C. And the mayor put it back in writing, as you know. I said, you know, this is going to be a very big rally or whatever you want to call it. And again, it wasn’t done by me. It was done by others. I said I’d like to give you 10,000 National Guard or soldiers. They rejected me. Nancy Pelosi rejected me. It was just two weeks ago, her daughter has a tape of her saying she is fully responsible for what happened. They want to get rid of that tape. It would have never happened if Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington did their jobs. <b>I wasn’t responsible for security. Nancy Pelosi was responsible. She didn’t do her job.</b> **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: Are you now acknowledging that you lost in 2020?</i><br>No, I don’t acknowledge that at all.<br><i>DAVID MUIR: But you did say that.</i><br>I said that sarcastically. You know that. It was said, oh we lost by a whisker. That was said sarcastically. Look, there’s so much proof. All you have to do is look at it. And they should have sent it back to the legislatures for approval. I got almost 75 million votes. The most votes any sitting president has ever gotten. I was told if I got 63, which was what I got in 2016, you can’t be beaten. The election, people should never be thinking about an election as fraudulent. We need two things. We need walls. We need — and we have to have it. We have to have borders. And we have to have good elections.<br>Our elections are bad. And a lot of these illegal immigrants coming in, they’re trying to get them to vote. They can’t even speak English. They don’t even know what country they’re in practically. And these people are trying to get them to vote. And that’s why they’re allowing them to come into our country. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: And [many judges] said there was no widespread [election] fraud.</i><br> No judge looked at it. They said we didn’t have standing. That’s the other thing. They said we didn’t have standing. A technicality. Can you imagine a system where a person in an election doesn’t have standing, the President of the United States doesn’t have standing? That’s how we lost. If you look at the facts, and I’d love to have you — you’ll do a special on it. I’ll show you Georgia and I’ll show you Wisconsin and I’ll show you Pennsylvania and I’ll show you — we have so many facts and statistics. But you know what? That doesn’t matter. Because we have to solve the problem that we have right now. That’s old news. And the problem that we have right now is we have a nation in decline and they have put it into decline. We have a nation that is dying, David **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …And world leaders are laughing at Donald Trump. I have talked with military leaders, some of whom worked with you. And they say you’re a disgrace….</i><br><i>DAVID MUIR: I’ll give you one minute to respond, Mr. President.</i><br>Let me just tell you about world leaders. Viktor Orban, one of the most respected men — they call him a strong man. He’s a tough person. Smart. Prime Minister of Hungary. They said why is the whole world blowing up? Three years ago it wasn’t. Why is it blowing up? He said because you need Trump back as president. They were afraid of him. China was afraid. And I don’t like to use the word afraid but I’m just quoting him. China was afraid of him. North Korea was afraid of him. Look at what’s going on with North Korea, by the way. He said Russia was afraid of him….<br>Look, Viktor Orban said it. He said the most respected, most feared person is Donald Trump. We had no problems when Trump was president. But when this weak pathetic man that you saw at a debate just a few months ago that if he weren’t in that debate he’d be running instead of her, she got no votes, he got 14 million votes, what you did, you talk about a threat to democracy. He got 14 million votes [in the primaries] and they threw him out of office. And you know what? I’ll give you a little secret. He hates her. He can’t stand her…. But he had 14 million votes. They threw them out. She got zero votes. And when she ran, she was the first one to leave because she failed. And now she’s running. I don’t understand it but I’m okay with it – because I think we’re going to do pretty well. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>LINSEY DAVIS: President Trump, how would you negotiate with Netanyahu and also Hamas in order to get the hostages out and prevent the killing of more innocent civilians in Gaza?</i><br>If I were president it would have never started. If I were president Russia would have never, ever -- I know Putin very well. He would have never -- and there was no threat of it either, by the way, for four years. Have gone into Ukraine and killed millions of people when you add it up. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *She hates Israel. <b>If she's president, I believe that Israel will not exist within two years from now. And I've been pretty good at predictions.</b> And I hope I'm wrong about that one. She hates Israel. At the same time in her own way she hates the Arab population because the whole place is going to get blown up, Arabs, Jewish people, Israel. Israel will be gone. It would have never happened. Iran was broke under Donald Trump. Now Iran has $300 billion because they took off all the sanctions that I had. Iran had no money for Hamas or Hezbollah or any of the 28 different spheres of terror. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *And I'll get the war with Ukraine and Russia ended. If I'm President-Elect, I'll get it done before even becoming president. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …It is well known that he said of Putin that he can do whatever the hell he wants and go into Ukraine. It is well known when that he said when Russia went into Ukraine it was brilliant….</i><br>They're the ones -- and she's the one that caused it, that's weak on national security by allowing every nation last month for the year, 168 different countries sending people into our country. Their crime rates are way down. Putin endorsed her last week. Said I hope she wins. And I think he meant it. Because what he's gotten away with is absolutely incredible. It wouldn't have happened with me. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: …You have said you would solve this war [in Ukraine] in 24 hours. How exactly would you do that? And I want to ask you a very simple question tonight. Do you want Ukraine to win this war?</i><br>I want to get the war settled. I know Zelenskyy very well and I know Putin very well. I have a good relationship. And they respect your president. Okay? They respect me. They don't respect Biden….<br>If I win, when I'm President-Elect, and what I'll do is I'll speak to one, I'll speak to the other, I'll get them together. That war would have never happened. And in fact when I saw Putin after I left, unfortunately left because our country has gone to hell, but after I left when I saw him building up soldiers, he did it after I left, I said oh, he must be negotiating. It must be a good strong point of negotiation. Well, it wasn't because Biden had no idea how to talk to him. He had no idea how to stop it. And now you have millions of people dead and it's only getting worse and it could lead to World War 3. Don't kid yourself, David. We're playing with World War 3. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *And we have a president that we don't even know if he's -- where is our president? We don't even know if he's a president.<br><i>DAVID MUIR: And just to clarify here.</I><br>They threw him out of a campaign like a dog. We don't even know, is he our president? But we have a president…<br><i>DAVID MUIR: Mr. President,--</i><br>…that doesn't know he's alive. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …If Donald Trump were president, Putin would be sitting in Kyiv right now….</i><br>Putin would be sitting in Moscow and he wouldn't have lost 300,000 men and women. But he would have been sitting in Moscow… But eventually, you know, he's got a thing that other people don't have. <b>He's got nuclear weapons. They don't ever talk about that. He's got nuclear weapons. Nobody ever thinks about that.</b> And eventually uh maybe he'll use them. Maybe he hasn't been that threatening. But he does have that. Something we don't even like to talk about. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *And that's the kind of talent we have with her. She's worse than Biden. In my opinion, I think he's the worst president in the history of our country. She goes down as the worst vice president in the history of our country. But let me tell you something. She is a horrible negotiator. They sent her in to negotiate. As soon as they left Putin did the invasion. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: [Regarding a peace deal Trump negotiated to end the Afghan War:] He bypassed the Afghan government. He negotiated directly with a terrorist organization called the Taliban. The negotiation involved the Taliban getting 5,000 terrorists, Taliban terrorists released.</i><br>So if you take a look at that period of time, the Taliban was killing our soldiers, a lot of them, with snipers. And I got involved with the Taliban because the Taliban was doing the killing. That's the fighting force within Afghanistan. They don't bother doing that because you know, they deal with the wrong people all the time. But I got involved. And Abdul is the head of the Taliban. He is still the head of the Taliban. And I told Abdul don't do it anymore, you do it anymore you're going to have problems. And he said why do you send me a picture of my house? I said you're going to have to figure that out, Abdul. And for 18 months we had nobody killed. We did have an agreement negotiated by Mike Pompeo. It was a very good agreement. The reason it was good, it was -- we were getting out. We would have been out faster than them, but we wouldn't have lost the soldiers. We wouldn't have left many Americans behind. And we wouldn't have left -- we wouldn't have left $85 billion worth of brand new beautiful military equipment behind. And just to finish, they blew it. The agreement said you have to do this, this, this, this, this, and they didn't do it. They didn't do it. The agreement was, was terminated by us because they didn't do what they were supposed to do. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: …Why do you believe it's appropriate to weigh in on the racial identity of your opponent?</i><br>I don't. And I don't care. I don't care what she is. I don't care. You make a big deal out of something. I couldn't care less. Whatever she wants to be is okay with me.<br><i>DAVID MUIR: But those were your words. So, I'm asking --</i><br>I don't know. I don't know. All I can say is I read where she was not Black, that she put out. And, I'll say that. And then I read that she was black. And that's okay. Either one was okay with me. That's up to her. That's up to her. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …Let's remember, this is the same individual who took out a full-page ad in The New York Times calling for the execution of five young Black and Latino boys who were innocent, the Central Park Five. Took out a full-page ad calling for their execution….</i><br>This is the most divisive presidency in the history of our country. There's never been anything like it. They're destroying our country. And they come up with things like what she just said going back many, many years when a lot of people including Mayor Bloomberg agreed with me on the Central Park Five. They admitted -- they said, they pled guilty. And I said, well, if they pled guilty they badly hurt a person, killed a person ultimately. And if they pled guilty -- then they pled we're not guilty. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<b>I built one of the greatest economies in the history of the world and I'm going to build it again.</b> It's going to be bigger, better and stronger. But they're destroying our economy. They have no idea what a good economy is. Their oil policies -- every single policy -- and remember this. She is Biden. She's trying to get away from Biden. I don't know the gentleman, she says. She is Biden. The worst inflation we've ever had. A horrible economy because inflation has made it so bad and she can't get away with that. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *She is destroying our country. She has a plan to defund the police. She has a plan to confiscate everybody's gun. She has a plan to not allow fracking in Pennsylvania or anywhere else. That's what her plan is until just recently. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>LINSEY DAVIS: …So tonight, nine years after you first started running, do you have a [healthcare] plan and can you tell us what it is?</i><br>Obamacare was lousy health care. Always was. It's not very good today. And what I said, that if we come up with something, we are working on things, we're going to do it and we're going to replace it…. And what we will do is we're looking at different plans. If we can come up with a plan that's going to cost our people, our population less money and be better health care than Obamacare, then I would absolutely do it. But until then I'd run it as good as it can be run.<br><i>LINSEY DAVIS: So just a yes or no, you still do not have a plan?</i><br>I have concepts of a plan. I'm not president right now. But if we come up with something I would only change it if we come up with something better and less expensive. And there are concepts and options we have to do that. And you'll be hearing about it in the not-too-distant future. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>Closing Statement:</i><br>…We're a failing nation. We're a nation that's in serious decline. We're being laughed at all over the world. All over the world, they laugh, I know the leaders very well. They're coming to see me. They call me. We're laughed at all over the world. They don't understand what happened to us as a nation. We're not a leader. We don't have any idea what's going on. We have wars going on in the Middle East. We have wars going on with Russia and Ukraine. We're going to end up in a third World War. And it will be a war like no other because of nuclear weapons, the power of weaponry. I rebuilt our entire military. She gave a lot of it away to the Taliban. She gave it to Afghanistan. What these people have done to our country, and maybe toughest of all is allowing millions of people to come into our country, many of them are criminals, and they're destroying our country. The worst president, the worst vice president in the history of our country. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *It was 3 on 1, but they were mentally challenged people, against one person of extraordinary genius. **[https://www.mediaite.com/politics/abc-fake-news-trump-rages-network-under-investigation-after-debate-3-mentally-challenged-people-on-1-extraordinary-genius/] *They didn't correct her [Harris] once and they corrected me. Everything I said, practically, I think 9 times or 11 times. And the audience was absolutely, they went crazy. And the real, I thought, I walked off and I said, 'that was a great debate, I loved it.' **Regarding the debate audience (which there wasn‘t one), [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-praises-nonexistent-debate-crowd-they-went-crazy-1956251 Donald Trump's Debate Crowd Comment Sparks Confusion: 'They Went Crazy'], ''Newsweek'' (September 19, 2024) ==== October 2024 ==== * We do a lot of these beautiful rallies, and it's so great. We never have an empty seat, never have. Look at it. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-rally-videos-empty-seats-1966810 "Donald Trump Rally Videos Show Hundreds of Empty Seats"], ''Newsweek'' (October 10, 2024) *We have two enemies: We have the outside enemy, and then we have the enemy from within. And the enemy from within, in my opinion, is more dangerous than China, Russia and all these countries… But the thing that's tougher to handle are these lunatics that we have inside, like Adam Schiff — Adam 'Shifty' Schiff… I call him the enemy from within. When you look at the danger he put our country in potentially with Russia — with a phony, made-up deal that he made up with Hillary and some bad people. ** [https://www.foxnews.com/media/former-president-trump-calls-enemy-within-more-dangerous-any-foreign-entity Former President Trump calls the 'enemy from within' more dangerous than any foreign entity] ''FoxNews'' (October 13, 2024) *So we’re gonna take care of it, you and me. I’ll tell you, if everything works out and everybody gets out on January 5th, or before. You know, it used to be, you’d have a date. Today, you can vote two months before, probably three months after. They don’t know what the hell they’re doing. But we’re gonna straighten it all out. We’re gonna straighten that out, too. We’re gonna straighten out our election process, too. That’s gotta be important also. **[https://www.mediaite.com/politics/whoops-trump-tells-supporters-to-get-out-and-vote-on-january-5th/ Whoops! Trump Tells Supporters to Get Out and Vote on ‘January 5th’] ''Mediaite'' (October 14, 2024) *Let’s not do any more questions. Let’s just listen to music. Let’s make it into a music. Who the hell wants to hear questions, right? **[https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/ar-AA1sha0E Trump sways and bops to music for 39 minutes in bizarre town hall episode] ''The Washington Post'' (October 14, 2024) *To me, the most beautiful word in the dictionary is tariff, and it’s my favorite word. It needs a public relations firm. **[https://www.bloomberg.com/news/newsletters/2024-10-15/in-trump-s-economic-plan-tariff-is-the-most-beautiful-word In Trump’s Economic Plan, Tariff Is ‘the Most Beautiful Word’] ‘’Bloomberg News’’ (October 15, 2024) * I’m the father of IVF. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/10/16/politics/fact-check-trump-false-claims-fox-townhall/index.html "Fact check: Trump makes at least 19 false claims in one-hour Fox town hall with women"], ''CNN'' (October 16, 2024) * [[w:Ashli Babbitt | Ashli Babbitt]] was killed, nobody was killed. ** Claimed about the [[2021 United States Capitol attack| January 6, 2020 United States Capitol attack]]. Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-univision-town-hall-hispanic-voters-audience-reaction-1970402 "Univision Audience Reaction to Donald Trump Answer in Town Hall Goes Viral"], ''Newsweek'' (October 17, 2024) *Very importantly, you had hundreds of thousands of people come to Washington [on January 6th]. They didn’t come because of me. They came because of the election. They thought the election was a rigged election and that’s why they came. Some of those people went down to the Capitol, I said, peacefully and patriotically, nothing done wrong at all. Nothing done wrong. And action was taken, strong action. Ashli Babbitt was killed. Nobody was killed. There were no guns down there. We didn’t have guns. The others had guns, but we didn’t have guns. And when I say “we” these are people that walk down, this was a tiny percentage of the overall, which nobody sees and nobody shows.<br>But that was a day of love from the standpoint of the millions, it’s like hundreds of thousands. It could have been the largest group I’ve ever spoken before. They asked me to speak. I went and I spoke and I used the term peacefully and patriotically. If you look at the Democrats, what they say, you look at Maxine Waters, and you look at Hillary Clinton and you look at what they say and they don’t put that on. They only put Republicans on, but they couldn’t get me because of the fact that I said, everything’s got to be peaceful and patriotic and we’ll see how it all works out. **In response to a question about why a voter should support Trump after his role on January 6th [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/trump-town-hall-on-univision Trump Town Hall on Univision] (October 17, 2024) *Kamala should be investigated and forced off the Campaign, and Joe Biden allowed to take back his rightful place (He got 14 Million Primary Votes, she got none!). THIS WHOLE SORDID AND FRAUDULENT EVENT IS A THREAT TO DEMOCRACY! **As it appeared on Truth Social, reported in [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump-melts-down-in-wild-post-claiming-kamala-harris-should-be-investigated-and-biden-should-be-his-opponent-again/ Trump Melts Down In Wild Post Claiming Kamala Harris ‘Should Be Investigated’ And Biden Should Be His Opponent Again] Mediaite (October 17, 2024) * We have another former New York City mayor with us. Frankly, easily the worst in our history. And it's not [[Michael Bloomberg|Michael]], that I can tell you. I'm surprised that [[Bill de Blasio|Bill de Blasio]] was actually able to make it tonight, to be honest. He was a terrible mayor. I don't give a shit if this is comedy or not. He was a terrible mayor. He did a horrible job. That's not comedy, by the way. That's fact. ** Al Smith dinner (October 17, 2024) * If we go with Kamala, you won’t have any cows anymore.<br>They want to do things like no more cows and no windows in buildings. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4941581-trump-says-no-cows-under-harris/ "Trump tells child there will be no cows under Harris"], ''The Hill'' (October 18, 2024) *<i>Howard Kurtz:</i> But when you said, you know, it's gone viral, they're eating the dogs, they're eating the cats. But why not say now, well, look, that turned out not to be true.<br><i>Trump:</i> I don't know if it's true or not true.<br><i>Kurtz:</i> You don't know if it's true or not true. It's been debunked by the officials.<br><i>Trump:</i> What about the goose? The geese? They're all missing. It was one guy with two geese. I have no idea. I said something. The big problem is that you can't put 30,000 people into a 50,000-person town or city and expect this city to even survive or do well. What they've done to Springfield, Ohio, is very, very unfair. And I mean, there are a lot of stories. There are a lot of other stories that I've heard that are horrible stories... Don't don't, you know, blame me.<br><i>Kurtz:</i> Well, I think it's been debunked by local officials.<br><i>Trump:</i> I don't think it's been debunked at all. I think nobody talks about it except you. *If radical left lunatics disrupt the election, it should be very easily handled by — if necessary, by National Guard, or if really necessary, by the military. **Interview with Fox New host Howard Kurtz in [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-haitians-debunked/ 'It's been debunked': Fox News host fact checks Trump to his face on Springfield Haitians] ''RawStory'' (October 20, 2024) [https://whyy.org/articles/trump-election-2024-kamala-harris-elizabeth-cheney-threat-civil-liberties/] *Comrade Kamala Harris sees that she is losing, and losing badly, especially after stealing the Race from Crooked Joe Biden, so now she is increasingly raising her rhetoric, going so far as to call me Adolf Hitler, and anything else that comes to her warped mind. She is a Threat to Democracy **[https://nitter.poast.org/realDonaldTrump/status/1849272632237056163#m] *I NEED THE KIND OF GENERALS THAT HITLER HAD **[https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/10/trump-military-generals-hitler/680327/] *When Kamala came in, she dismantled our border and threw open the gates to an invasion of criminal migrants. We're a dumping ground. We're like a garbage can for the world. That's what's happened. That's what's happened to our ... We're like a garbage can **[https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-ripped-saying-america-garbage-can-1974727] *He’d take all the candy away very quickly. She wouldn’t have any idea what happened. It would be like a grand chess master playing a beginner. We would lose our country or be in World War III,because she’d get exasperated. She’s in no way able to handle him. He’s a fierce individual. **[https://nypost.com/2024/10/24/us-news/trump-says-iranian-regime-wouldnt-have-to-end-if-he-were-president-suggests-peace-could-be-close/?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=nypost] *Now we have income taxes, and we have people that are dying. They're paying tax, and they don't have the money to pay the tax. In the old days … we had so much money, they had to set up committees, blue-ribbon committees, [on] how to spend our wealth. We had no idea how to spend it with so much money. Then we went to the income tax system and the rest is sort of history. But no, there is a way **[https://www.foxnews.com/media/trump-tells-bronx-barbershop-what-he-would-do-differently-elected-second-time-its-all-about-people] *And my people told me about four weeks ago, I was saying, ‘No, I want to protect the people. I want to protect the women of our country. I want to protect the women.’<br>“‘Sir, please don’t say that.’<br>“They said, ‘We think it’s, it’s very inappropriate for you to say.’<br>“I pay these guys a lot of money. Can you believe it? Well, I’m going to do it whether the women like it or not. I’m going to protect them. **[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-protect-women-green-bay-rally_n_6722f2d1e4b02f5ab1d23299 Trump Says He Will Protect Women ‘Whether The Women Like It Or Not’] ''HuffPost'' (October 30, 2024) *She's a radical war hawk. Let's put her with a rifle standing there, with nine barrels shooting at her, okay? Let's see how she feels about it, you know, when the guns are trained on her face. **Referring to [[Liz Cheney]], reported in [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-suggests-liz-cheney-should-face-firing-squad-her-foreign-policy-stance-2024-11-01/ Arizona prosecutor investigating Trump for saying Cheney should face gunfire] ''Reuters'' (October 31, 2024) ==== November 2024 ==== *I could’ve been anywhere I wanted to be. I could’ve had those waves smacking me in the face. That white, beautiful white skin that I have would be nice and tan. I got the whitest skin ’cause I never have time to go out in the sun. But I have that beautiful white, and you know what? It could’ve been beautiful, tanned, beautiful. **[https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-boasts-he-has-beautiful-white-skin-right-after-slamming-kamala-harris/ar-AA1tmtNv Trump Boasts He Has ‘Beautiful White Skin’ Right After Slamming Kamala Harris] ''MSN'' (November 2, 2024) *I shouldn’t have left. I mean, honestly, because we did so, we did so well. **[https://www.cnn.com/2024/11/03/politics/trump-dark-closing-message/index.html Trump says he ‘shouldn’t have left’ the White House as he closes campaign with increasingly dark message] ''CNN'' (November 3, 2024) * In many cases, our allies are worse than our so-called enemies. ** Claimed about allied NATO members and Russia, quoted in [https://tvpworld.com/83295959/us-elections-trump-calls-allies-worse-than-enemies "Trump claims US is being exploited by allies, calls them ‘worse than enemies’"], ''TVP World'' (November 3, 2024) *Now I want to take this opportunity to give you some advice. Over the course of your life, you will find that things are not always fair, you will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve, and that are not always warranted, but you have to put your head down, and FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Never ever ever give up, things will work out just fine. Look at the way I've been treated lately, especially by the media. No politician in history, and I say this is great surety, has been treated worse, more unfairly. You can't let them get you down, you can't let the critics, and the naysayers get in the way of your dream. I guess that's why I won, thank you. I guess that's why we won. Adversity makes you stronger, don't give in, don't back down, and never stop doing what you know is right. Nothing worth doing, ever ever ever came easy, and the more righteous you fight, the more opposition that you will face. I've accomplished a tremendous amount, in a very short time as president. **Speech (November 6, 2024){{fact}} *Any Republican Senator seeking the coveted LEADERSHIP position in the United States Senate must agree to Recess Appointments (in the Senate!), without which we will not be able to get people confirmed in a timely manner. Sometimes the votes can take two years, or more. This is what they did four years ago, and we cannot let it happen again. We need positions filled IMMEDIATELY! **[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/trump-senate-majority-candidates-recess-appointments-rcna179515 Trump declares Senate majority candidates should allow him to make recess appointments] ''NBC News'' (November 10, 2024) ==== December 2024 ==== * I spoke to over 100 countries. You wouldn’t believe how many countries there are. ** 16 December 2024, [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/12/16/trump-defamation-polio-001230 Politico] and [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/12/17/politics/trump-honeymoon-analysis/index.html CNN] ===2025=== {| style="float:center; background:none;border: 1px solid silver;{{Border-radius|35px}}; margin:15px; background-color:#F6F6F6;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" |- |<div id="articlecount" style="width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:105%;"> 20 January 2025 [[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|20px]] - Donald Trump's 2nd presidency began</div> |- |} {{main|Second presidency of Donald Trump}} ====January 2025==== *I’d like Egypt to take people. You're talking about probably a million and a half people, and we just clean out that whole thing and say, 'You know, it's over.’ **Regarding what to do with the Palestinian refugees currently on the Gaza Strip, quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2025/01/26/g-s1-44831/trump-jordan-egypt-accept-more-refugees-just-clean-out-gaza Trump wants Jordan and Egypt to accept more refugees to 'just clean out' Gaza] ''NPR'' (January 26, 2025) *Because I have common sense, OK, and unfortunately a lot of people don't. **When asked how he could come to the conclusion that FAA diversity policies had something to do with the fatal air disaster at Reagan Washington National Airport, quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-evidence-appears-blame-faa-diversity-initiatives-factor/story?id=118272015 Trump goes on offensive against FAA diversity initiatives during DC crash briefing, prompts fierce backlash] ''ABC News'' (January 30, 2025) ====February 2025==== [[File:Trump - Long Live the King.jpg|thumb|Manhattan, and all of New York, is SAVED. LONG LIVE THE KING!]] *He who saves his Country does not violate any Law **15 February 2025 on [https://x.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1890831570535055759 X tweet] and ''Truth Social'', quoted in [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-napoleon-saves-country-quote-rod-steiger-b2699102.html Trump suggests he’s above the law with ominous Napoleon quote] ''Independent'' (February 16, 2025) **A reference to a maxim attributed to [[Napoleon]] by [[Honoré de Balzac]], "Who saves his country violates no law" ("Celui qui sauve sa patrie ne viole aucune loi"). *The 14th Amendment Right of American Citizenship never had anything to do with modern day "gate crashers," illegal immigrants who break the Law by being in our Country, it had everything to do with giving Citizenship to former slaves. **16 February 2025 [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/114014567906020636 post on TruthSocial], quoted same day by [https://nypost.com/2025/02/16/us-news/president-trump-sparks-meltdown-for-sharing-napoleon-quote/ Ryan King of New York Post] and [https://www.newsnationnow.com/politics/trump-14th-amendment-slaves-not-migrants/ Patrick Djordjevic of News Nation Now] *It’s called the Gulf of America now. It’s not called the Gulf of Mexico any longer. I have the right to do it. We are going to keep them out until such time that they agree it is the Gulf of America. **Referring to AP reporters being banned from the White House, referenced in [https://deadline.com/2025/02/trump-ap-gulf-of-mexico-1236294031/ Donald Trump Says White House Will Prohibit Associated Press From Events Until They Agree To Rename Gulf Of Mexico] ''Deadline'' (February 18, 2025) * I had an approval rating today of 71 and another one of 69. I have not heard of those numbers before. ** [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/trump-generously-makes-approval-rating-defying-reality-rcna193139 "Trump generously makes up an approval rating for himself, defying reality"] ''MSNBC'' (February 21, 2025) ====March 2025==== *Wow, that's beautiful. This is a different panel than I've ever — '''everything's computer!''' **When inspecting a Tesla Model S at the White House; quoted from [https://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-tesla-model-s-review-everythings-computer-2025-3 Donald Trump reviews Tesla Model S: 'Everything's computer'] ''Business Insider'' (Mar 11, 2025) ====April 2025==== *I call it a lot of different names, but it's really, in a sense, it's a rebirth of a country because how we could have afforded to do what we did, we helped everybody and they don't help us. The term I like best probably is the liberation of America.<br>It's a liberation of this country because it's incredible. Look, we have 36 trillion in debt for a reason and that accumulates over a long period of time. What you're going to be seeing over the next couple of days will be very inspiring to a lot of people. **Regarding the round of tariffs expected to be enforced on most imported goods beginning April 2nd as referenced in [https://www.tribuneindia.com/news/united-states/trump-says-india-will-substantially-cut-tariffs-signals-major-us-tariff-moves/ "Trump says India will 'substantially' cut tariffs, signals major US tariff moves"] ''The Tribune'' (April 1, 2025) *We are going to be very nice, relatively speaking. We are going to be very kind....<br>Somebody said that about me the other day, who doesn’t know me very well. They said — ‘You are such a kind person’ and I said, ‘Say that again.’ They said, ‘You are a kind person.’ I said, ‘I’ve never heard that before.’ **Speaking on the severity of the tariffs as reported in [https://www.cnn.com/2025/04/01/politics/trump-tariffs-liberation-day-oval-office/index.html Trump has the world on edge as he mulls fateful tariffs decades in the making] ''CNN'' (April 1, 2025)[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stephen-colbert-trump-weird-confession_n_67ece159e4b048fde6fe94e3] *THE OPERATION IS OVER! THE PATIENT LIVED, AND IS HEALING. THE PROGNOSIS IS THAT THE PATIENT WILL BE FAR STRONGER, BIGGER, BETTER, AND MORE RESILIENT THAN EVER BEFORE. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! **Posted on Truth Social following the implementation of sweeping tariffs as reported in [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/us/us-and-world/the-operation-is-over-the-patient-lived-donald-trump-after-shaking-global-economies-with-us-tariffs/articleshow/119949495.cms ‘The operation is over, the patient lived’: Donald Trump after shaking global economies with US tariffs] ''The Times of India'' (April 3, 2025) *I think it's going very well. It was an operation, like when a patient gets operated on and it's a big thing. I said this would exactly be the way it is....<br>The markets are going to boom, the stock is going to boom, the country is going to boom, and the rest of the world wants to see is there any way they can make a deal. They've taken advantage of us for many, many years. For many years we've been at the wrong side of the ball. And I'll tell you what, I think it's going to be unbelievable. **When asked how things were going after a drop in the stock market the first day after Trump's tariff announcement as reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trust-president-trump-white-house-defending-tariffs-amid/story?id=120449641 Trump says ‘it’s going very well’ after tariffs roil markets] ''ABC News'' (April 3, 2025) *TO THE MANY INVESTORS COMING INTO THE UNITED STATES AND INVESTING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MONEY, MY POLICIES WILL NEVER CHANGE. THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO GET RICH, RICHER THAN EVER BEFORE!!! **Posted on ''Truth Social'' following the announcement of his worldwide tariffs policy and the resulting sharp sell-off in the stock market a day later as reported in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/apr/04/trump-tariffs-truth-social Trump insists he won’t back down from global trade war as markets slump] ''The Guardian'' (April 4, 2025) *...We are bringing back jobs and businesses like never before. Already, more than FIVE TRILLION DOLLARS OF INVESTMENT, and rising fast! THIS IS AN ECONOMIC REVOLUTION, AND WE WILL WIN. HANG TOUGH, it won’t be easy, but the end result will be historic. We will, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/114285375813275308 Truth Social] (April 5, 2025) *It's the only chance we're going to have to reset the table on trade, and when we do, we're going to come out unbelievably well. We're going to have a strong country economically again and we're going to have those factories that are empty all over the United States. **Indicating there would be no change of course regarding tariff plan, reported in [https://abc7chicago.com/post/donald-trump-tariff-formula-team-cites-chicago-economist-brent-neimans-work-he-says-math-doesnt-check/16141896/ Trump tariff team cites Chicago economist's work, but he says their math doesn't check out] ''ABC7 Chicago'' (April 7, 2025) *We’re dealing with them directly and maybe a deal is going to be made. Doing a deal would be preferable to doing the obvious.<br>Iran is going to be in great danger, and I hate to say it…. Iran cannot have a nuclear weapon, and if the talks aren’t successful, I think it’s going to be a very bad day for Iran. **Referring to upcoming talks with Iran about their nuclear capability, taken from [https://time.com/7275589/trump-iran-nuclear-program-talk/ Trump Says U.S. Will Have Direct Talks With Iran About Nuclear Program] ''TIME'' (April 7, 2025)[https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/2038962/us-could-be-bombing-iran] * There can be permanent tariffs and there can also be negotiations, because there are things that we need beyond tariffs. '''We need open borders.'''[https://www.yahoo.com/news/cognitive-decline-trump-calls-open-202617475.html] *I thought that people were jumping a little bit out of line. They were getting yippy. You know, they were getting a little bit yippy, a little bit afraid…. Over the last few days it looked pretty glum… You have to be flexible. You have to be able to show a little flexibility. And I'm able to do that. **Reasons given for pausing his tariff plan for 90 days for all countries except China, reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-explains-dramatic-reversal-tariffs-people-bit-afraid/story?id=120651386 Trump explains dramatic reversal on tariffs: People getting 'a little bit afraid'] ''ABC News'' (April 9.2025) *I’m not asking for much ... but they can't have a nuclear weapon.<br>If it requires military, we're going to have military. Israel will, obviously, be ... the leader of that. No one leads us. We do what we want.<br>I don't want to be specific. But when you start talks, you know if they're going along well or not. And I would say the conclusion would be when I think they're not going along well. **[https://www.usnews.com/news/world/articles/2025-04-09/trump-repeats-threat-to-use-military-force-if-iran-does-not-agree-to-nuclear-deal Trump Repeats Threat to Use Military Force if Iran Does Not Agree to Nuclear Deal] ''US News'' (April 9, 2025) *In my case, I like to take a nice shower, take care of my beautiful hair.... I have to stand under the shower for 15 minutes until it gets wet. It comes out drip, drip, drip. It’s ridiculous. **While signing an executive order repealing limits to the flow of water to bathroom showers, taken from [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2025/4/10/make-showers-great-again-why-trumps-fighting-bathroom-water-pressure ‘Make showers great again’: Why Trump’s fighting bathroom water pressure] ''Al Jazeera'' (April 10, 2025) *China wants to make a deal. They just don't know how quite to go about it. You know, it's one of those things they don't know quite. They're proud people and President Xi's a proud man. I know him very well. And they don't know quite how to go about it, but they'll figure it out. **Indicating he is waiting for China to call him regarding the recently imposed tariffs, reported in [https://www.pbs.org/weta/washingtonweek/video/2025/04/washington-week-with-the-atlantic-full-episode-41125 Washington Week with The Atlantic full episode, 4/11/25] ''Washington Week'' (April 11, 2025)[https://www.cnn.com/2025/04/10/politics/trump-xi-china-tariffs/index.html] *Homegrown criminals next. I said homegrowns are next, the homegrowns. You gotta build about five more [prisons]…. [The notorious Salvadoran mega-prison] is not big enough… If it's a homegrown criminal, I have no problem. Now we're studying the laws right now, Pam [Bondi] is studying. If we can do that, that's good…. And I'm talking about violent people. I'm talking about really bad people. Really bad people. Every bit as bad as the ones coming in. **Speaking to El Salvador's President Nayib Bukele, referring to US citizens accused of crimes being the next ones sent to Salvadoran prisons, reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/homegrowns-trump-doubles-sending-convicted-us-citizens-foreign/story?id=120802863 'Homegrowns are next': Trump doubles down on sending American 'criminals' to foreign prisons] ''ABC News'' (April 14, 2025) * Everyone knows that Harvard has “lost its way.” * Harvard has been hiring almost all woke, Radical Left, idiots and ‘birdbrains’ who are only capable of teaching FAILURE to students and so-called ‘future leaders * Harvard can no longer be considered even a decent place of learning, and should not be considered on any list of the World’s Great Universities or Colleges. Harvard is a JOKE, teaches Hate and Stupidity, and should no longer receive Federal Funds. ** [https://www.thefire.org/news/revoking-harvards-tax-exempt-status-will-threaten-all-nonprofits "Revoking Harvard’s tax-exempt status will threaten all nonprofits"], ''The Fire'' (April 18, 2025) * As you know, the cost of eggs has come down like 93, 94% since we took office. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/04/23/politics/price-of-eggs-gas-trump-fact-check/index.html "Fact check: Trump lies about the price of eggs, groceries and gas"], ''CNN'' (April 23, 2025) *I am not happy with the Russian strikes on KYIV. Not necessary, and very bad timing. Vladimir, STOP! **Taken from ''Truth Social'' as reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/International/russia-launches-massive-deadly-strike-kyiv-ukrainian-authorities/story?id=121113739 'Vladimir, STOP!' Trump says to Putin after deadliest Russian strike on Kyiv in months] ''ABC News'' (April 24, 2025) *The first time, I had two things to do—run the country and survive; I had all these crooked guys. And the second time, I run the country and the world.” **In response to what felt different about his second term compared to the first, quoted in [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2025/06/trump-second-term-comeback/682573/ ‘I RUN THE COUNTRY AND THE WORLD’ Donald Trump believes he’s invincible. But the cracks are beginning to show] ''The Atlantic'' (April 28, 2025) * Great Pollster John McLaughlin, one of the most highly respected in the industry, has just stated that The Failing New York Times Poll, and the ABC/Washington Post Poll, about a person named DONALD J. TRUMP, ME, are FAKE POLLS FROM FAKE NEWS ORGANIZATIONS. The New York Times has only 37% Trump 2024 voters, and the ABC/Washington Post Poll has only 34% Trump Voters, unheard of numbers unless looking for a negative result, which they are. These people should be investigated for ELECTION FRAUD, and add in the FoxNews Pollster while you’re at it. They are Negative Criminals who apologize to their subscribers and readers after I WIN ELECTIONS BIG, much bigger than their polls showed I would win, loose a lot of credibility, and then go on cheating and lying for the next cycle, only worse. They suffer from Trump Derangement Syndrome, and there is nothing that anyone, or anything, can do about it. THEY ARE SICK, almost only write negative stories about me no matter how well I am doing (99.9% at the Border, BEST NUMBER EVER!), AND ARE TRULY THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! I wish them well, but will continue to fight to, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! ** [https://www.axios.com/2025/04/28/trump-approval-ratings-slams-polls-truth-social "Trump lashes out against "fake polls" as his approval ratings sink"], ''Axios'' (April 28, 2025) * I am the candidate of peace. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2025/apr/28/us-escalation-yemen-civilian-casualties "Trump promised peace but brings rapid increase in civilian casualties to Yemen"] ''The Guardian'' (April 28, 2025) [[File:Pope Trump AI by Donald Trump.png|thumb|I'd like to be [[pope]]. That would be my number one choice.]] * I'd like to be pope. That would be my number one choice. No — I don't know, I have no preference. I must say we have a cardinal that happens to be out of a place called New York who's very good. ** Response to being asked after the death of [[Pope Francis]] who he would like to be the next Pope (29 April 2025); as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2025/05/04/nx-s1-5386516/catholic-leaders-criticize-trump-ai-pope-photo?utm_term=nprnews&utm_campaign=npr&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com "Catholic leaders criticize Trump for posting apparent AI photo of himself as the pope", ''NPR'' (4 May 2025)] *PRESIDENT TRUMP: (Referring to a photo of what was tattooed on Abrego Garcia's knuckles:) M-S-1-3 -- It says M-S-one-three.<br>INTERVIEWER TERRY MORAN: I -- that was Photoshop….<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: That was Photoshop?… Do you want me to show the picture?<br>TERRY MORAN: I saw the picture. We'll agree to disagree --<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: Oh, and you think it was Photoshop…. Go look at his hand. He had MS-13 --<br>TERRY MORAN: Fair enough, he did have tattoos that can be interpreted that way. I'm not an expert on them….<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: Terry, no, no. No, no. He had MS as clear as you can be. Not "interpreted." This is why people no longer believe the news, because it's fake news.<br>TERRY MORAN: ...When he was photographed in El Salvador, they aren't there…. Take a look at the photograph —<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: But they're there now, right?… But they're there now?<br>TERRY MORAN: They're in your picture.<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: Terry He's got MS-13 on his knuckles…. you do such a disservice —<br>TERRY MORAN: We'll take a look. We'll take a look at that, sir —<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: Why don't you just say, "Yes, he does," and, you know, go on to something else -- **[https://abcnews.go.com/US/full-transcript-trumps-exclusive-100-days-broadcast-interview/story?id=121291672 FULL TRANSCRIPT: Trump's exclusive 100 days broadcast interview with ABC News] ''ABC News'' (April 29, 2025)[https://www.yahoo.com/news/fact-check-trumps-photo-abrego-001600628.html] *Everybody's gonna be just fine. It wouldn't have been if I didn't do this. I had a choice. I could leave it, have a nice, easy time. But I think ultimately you would've had an implosion. Our country had inflation that was worse than they've ever had it before.<br>You don't mention that. Why don't you mention that? We had the worst inflation probably in the history of our country. People say 48 years, probably in the history of our country we had the worst inflation. And people were dying over the inflation. You know that. Now the grocery prices are coming down. The energy prices are coming down. Gasoline's coming down. It's all heading in the right direction. **In response to a question over the concern about the effect of the tariffs, taken from [https://abcnews.go.com/US/full-transcript-trumps-exclusive-100-days-broadcast-interview/story?id=121291672 FULL TRANSCRIPT: Trump's exclusive 100 days broadcast interview with ABC News] ''ABC News'' (April 29, 2025) *We're going to have something that you won't even believe. We will end inflation, slash prices. We've already ended inflation, raise wages, and give you the greatest economy in the history of the world. **[https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-teases-biggest-bill-ever-021733041.html Trump Teases 'Biggest Bill Ever Passed' and 'Military Supremacy' During Anniversary Rally] ''Yahoo! News'' (April 29, 2025) *This is Biden’s Stock Market, not Trump’s… I didn’t take over until January 20th. Tariffs will soon start kicking in, and companies are starting to move into the USA in record numbers…. Our Country will boom, but we have to get rid of the Biden 'Overhang. This will take a while, has NOTHING TO DO WITH TARIFFS, only that he left us with bad numbers, but when the boom begins, it will be like no other. BE PATIENT!!! **From Truth Social reported in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-pins-stock-market-struggles-biden-weeks-taking-credit-rcna203702 Trump puts market struggles on Biden as economy shrinks under his watch] ''NBC News'' (April 30, 2025) *You probably saw some numbers today, and I have to start off by saying that’s Biden — that’s not Trump — because we came in on January. We came in and I was very against everything that Biden was doing in terms of the economy. … We took over his mess in so many different ways.<br>I’m not taking credit or discredit for the stock market. I’m just saying we inherited a mess…. We came in on Jan. 20, so this is Biden. And you can even say the next quarter is, sort of, Biden, because it doesn’t just happen on a daily or an hourly basis, but we’re turning it around. It’s a big ship to turn around. **In remarks during a meeting with his Cabinet, reported in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-pins-stock-market-struggles-biden-weeks-taking-credit-rcna203702 Trump puts market struggles on Biden as economy shrinks under his watch] ''NBC News'' (April 30, 2025) *You know, somebody said, ‘Oh, the shelves are going to be open.’ Well, maybe the children will have two dolls instead of 30 dolls. So maybe the two dolls will cost a couple bucks more than they would normally. **More remarks during his Cabinet meeting, reported in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-economy-tariffs-gdp-7494825851dcef94ec81475124f9326f Trump says US kids may get ‘2 dolls instead of 30,’ but China will suffer more in a trade war] 'AP News' (April 30, 2025) ===== Liberation Day tariff announcements (2 April 2025) ===== Announced from the Rose Garden at the White House:[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trumps-liberation-day-arrives-gambles-big-risky-tariff/story?id=120382209] [https://nypost.com/2025/04/02/us-news/trump-slaps-at-least-10-tariffs-on-all-imports-in-declaration-of-economic-independence-half-of-what-they-could-be] [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-tariffs-great-depression-fdr-b2726461.html][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6uFW0gHwXU][https://singjupost.com/transcript-of-president-trump-remarks-at-liberation-day-event-april-2-2025/?singlepage=1] *My fellow Americans, this is Liberation Day… April 2nd, 2025, will forever be remembered as the day American industry was reborn, the day America's destiny was reclaimed and the day that we began to make America wealthy again. *For decades, our country has been looted, pillaged, raped and plundered by nations near and far, both friend and foe alike. * Taxpayers have been ripped off for more than 50 years, but it is not going to happen anymore. *This is one of the most important days, in my opinion, in American history. It’s our declaration of economic independence. …now it’s our turn to prosper and in so doing use trillions and trillions of dollars to reduce our taxes and pay down our national debt and it will all happen very quickly. With today’s action we are finally going to be able to make America great again, greater than ever before. *Jobs and factories will come roaring back into our country, and you see it happening already. We will supercharge our domestic industrial base. We will pry open foreign markets and break down foreign trade barriers. And ultimately, more production at home will mean stronger competition and lower prices for consumers. This will be indeed the golden age of America. It’s coming back and we’re going to come back very strongly. *From 1789 to 1913, we were a tariff-backed nation and the United States was proportionately the wealthiest it has ever been. So wealthy, in fact, that in the 1880s, they established a commission to decide what they were going to do with the vast sums of money they were collecting….<br>Then in 1913, for reasons unknown to mankind, they established the income tax so that citizens rather than foreign countries would start paying the money necessary to run our government. Then in 1929, it all came to a very abrupt end with the Great Depression, and it would have never happened if they had stayed with the tariff policy. It would have been a much different story.<br>They tried to bring back tariffs to save our country, but it was gone. It was gone. It was too late. Nothing could have been done. It took years and years to get out of that depression, far longer than even FDR had that office right over there for a long period of time. *We will charge them approximately half of what they are and have been charging us because we are being very kind. This is not full reciprocal. This is kind reciprocal. *In short, chronic trade deficits are no longer merely an economic problem. They're a national emergency that threatens our security and our very way of life. It's a very great threat to our country. *These tariffs are going to give us growth like you haven’t seen before. And it’ll be something very special to watch. ====May 2025==== [[File:AI Donald Trump Star Wars.jpg|thumb|You’re not [[w:Rebel Alliance|the Rebellion]] — you’re [[w:Galactic Empire (Star Wars)|the Empire]].]] *They all hated me in my first term, and now they’re kissing my ass. **Trump bragging about how tech moguls have warmed up to him, reported in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-alabama-commencement-address-protests-6bcea5b4058c819c26a8135b41d73dd1 Trump offers advice to University of Alabama graduates in speech interspersed with politics] 'AP News' (May 1, 2025) * The courts are trying to stop me from doing the job that I was elected to do. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/05/02/politics/ketanji-brown-jackson-trump-judges "Politico: Ketanji Brown Jackson warns Trump’s rhetoric against judges are ‘attacks on our democracy’"] ''CNN'' (May 2, 2025) * [[w:Star Wars Day|Happy May the 4th]] to all, including the Radical Left Lunatics who are fighting so hard to to bring [[w:Sith|Sith Lords]], Murderers, Drug Lords, Dangerous Prisoners, & well known MS-13 Gang Members, back into our Galaxy. You’re not [[w:Rebel Alliance|the Rebellion]] — you’re [[w:Galactic Empire (Star Wars)|the Empire]]. <br /> May the 4th be with you. ** [https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/1919053040734072844 Star Wars Day message on the Official WhiteHouse X account (4 May 2025)], accompanied by an AI generated image of Trump with a body-builder physique, wielding a [[w:Lightsaber|red lightsaber]] (which in [[Star Wars]] lore is emblematic of the often deceitful and profoundly evil [[w:Sith|Sith]] manifesting the "Dark side" of [[the Force]]). *<b>I don't know.</b> I have to respond by saying, again, I have brilliant lawyers that work for me, and they are going to obviously follow what the Supreme Court said. What you said is not what I heard the Supreme Court said. They have a different interpretation. **When asked whether he, as president, needs to abide by the Constitution and the rights it provides to people in the U.S., as reported in [https://www.npr.org/2025/05/04/g-s1-64239/does-a-president-need-to-uphold-the-constitution-trump-says-i-dont-know Does a president need to uphold the Constitution? Trump says 'I don't know'] ''NPR'' (May 4, 2025) *I think the good parts are the ‘Trump economy’ and the bad parts are the ‘Biden economy’ because he’s done a terrible job…. I was able to get down the costs. But even that, it takes a while to get them down. But we got them down good....<br>I’ve only just been here for a little more than three months. But the stock market, look at what’s happened in the last short period of time. Didn’t it have nine or 10 days in a row, or 11 days, where it’s gone up? And the tariffs have just started kicking in. And we’re doing really well. **In response to the question: ‘When does it become the Trump economy?’, quoted from [https://www.cnn.com/2025/05/04/business/trump-economy-tariffs-powell Trump says good parts of US economy are ‘Trump economy,’ bad parts are ‘Biden economy’] CNN (May 4 2025) * ‘Too Late’ Jerome Powell is a FOOL, who doesn’t have a clue. ** Claimed about the Chairman of the United States Federal Reserve, quoted in [https://www.cnbc.com/2025/05/08/trump-calls-fed-chair-jerome-powell-a-fool-after-central-bank-keeps-rates-steady.html "Trump calls Fed Chair Jerome Powell a ‘fool’ after central bank keeps rates steady"], ''CNBC'' (May 8, 2025) *(U.S. ports slowing down) means we lose less money, you know? When I see that, that means we lose less money…. And frankly if we didn’t do business (with China), we would have been better off. So, when you say it slowed down, that’s a good thing, not a bad thing. **Responding to a reporter saying that traffic at U.S. ports “has really slowed, and now thousands of dockworkers and truck drivers are worried about their jobs”, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/trump-exposes-own-idiocy-looming-171025385.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAAwAaX7rRwkUgizDt6XV1AOwYrv_ZMeBvHcxEMpvwsTm5lgFGs-RnNK7Brf0slvaI0V7WM6BAq1bFaEnDYKIOA9VnIsUr1OTy57i7_-oXYOG-Ti5H0ZkMgFatc6W-Oemxe82QXdtzNGQy_NC4PvCUlAd8MeWzovIDQhPgQAuh6I3 Trump Exposes Own Idiocy With Comment About Looming Shortages] ''Yahoo! News'' (May 8, 2025) *So the fact that the Defense Department is getting a GIFT, FREE OF CHARGE, of a 747 aircraft to replace the 40 year old Air Force One, temporarily, in a very public and transparent transaction, so bothers the Crooked Democrats that they insist we pay, TOP DOLLAR, for the plane. Anybody can do that! The Dems are World Class Losers!!! MAGA. **From ''Truth Social'' regarding a potential gift of a $400 million "palace in the sky" airplane from the Qatari government for Trump's use, reported in [https://thearabweekly.com/brewing-controversy-surrounds-qatars-intent-lavish-luxury-jet-trump Brewing controversy surrounds Qatar’s intent to lavish luxury jet on Trump] ''The Arab Weekly'' (May 12, 2025) *I think it's a great gesture from Qatar. I appreciate it very much. I would never be one to turn down that kind of an offer.<br>I mean, I could be a stupid person, say, 'No, we don't want a free, very expensive airplane.' I thought it was a great gesture.<br>…They're giving us a free jet. I could say, 'No, no, no, don't give us. I want to pay you a billion or $400 million, or whatever it is.' Or I could say, 'Thank you very much.' **Speaking to reporters at the White House regarding accepting a gift of a $400 million 747 airplane from Qatar, quoted in [https://www.axios.com/2025/05/12/trump-qatar-jet-free-plane-air-force-one Trump says it would be "stupid" not to accept free jet from Qatar] ''Axios'' (May 12, 2025) * European Union is in many ways nastier than China, okay. ** [https://www.politico.eu/article/trump-eu-nastier-than-china/ "Trump: The EU is ‘nastier than China’"], ''Politico'' (May 12, 2025) *Oh, what I do for the crown prince. The sanctions were brutal and crippling and served as an important, really an important function, nevertheless, at the time. But now it's their time to shine. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-heaps-praise-saudi-crown-prince-touts-economic/story?id=121758613 Trump heaps praise on Saudi Crown Prince MBS as he touts economic development] ''ABC News'' (May 13, 2025) * I see that Highly Overrated Bruce Springsteen goes to a Foreign Country to speak badly about the President of the United States. Never liked him, never liked his music, or his Radical Left Politics and, importantly, he's not a talented guy - Just a pushy, obnoxious JERK * Has anyone noticed that, since I said 'I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT,' she’s no longer 'HOT? ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/celebrities/2025/05/16/trump-calls-bruce-springsteen-obnoxious-jerk/83671059007/ "Trump calls Bruce Springsteen 'obnoxious jerk' after singer voiced criticism at concert"], ''USA Today'' (May 16, 2025) *...The biggest crime of all is that THE 2020 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WAS RIGGED! I (MAGA!) WON THE ELECTION BY MILLIONS OF VOTES, AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT. GOD BLESS AMERICA, FOR THE FIGHT HAS JUST BEGUN!!! **From ''Truth Social'' as reported in [https://www.mediaite.com/news/trump-goes-on-early-morning-ragefest-over-autopen-and-rigged-and-stolen-election/ Trump Goes On Early-Morning Ragefest Over ‘AUTOPEN’ And ‘RIGGED AND STOLEN’ Election] ''Mediaite'' (May 17, 2025) * They have a term, ‘grocery.’ It’s an old term, but it means basically what you’re buying: food. It’s a pretty accurate term, but it’s an old-fashioned sound, but groceries are down. * Costs are down, eggs are down. They were, first week they were hitting me with ‘Eggs were up 200%’ and now they’re down to a number that is amazing. We’re down 97, 98% from where they were. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/people-left-flabbergasted-trumps-explanation-213256638.html "People Left Flabbergasted By Trump's Explanation Of 1 English Word To UAE President"], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' (May 15, 2025) * Walmart should STOP trying to blame Tariffs as the reason for raising prices throughout the chain. Walmart made BILLIONS OF DOLLARS last year, far more than expected. Between Walmart and China they should, as is said, “EAT THE TARIFFS,” and not charge valued customers ANYTHING. I’ll be watching, and so will your customers!!! ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2025/05/17/trump-tells-walmart-to-eat-the-tariffs.html "Trump tells Walmart to ‘eat the tariffs’ after retailer warned it will raise prices"], ''CNBC'' (May 17, 2025) *HOW MUCH DID KAMALA HARRIS PAY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN FOR HIS POOR PERFORMANCE DURING HER CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT? WHY DID HE ACCEPT THAT MONEY IF HE IS SUCH A FAN OF HERS? ISN’T THAT A MAJOR AND ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTION? WHAT ABOUT BEYONCÉ? …AND HOW MUCH WENT TO OPRAH, AND BONO??? I am going to call for a major investigation into this matter....For these unpatriotic “entertainers,” this was just a CORRUPT & UNLAWFUL way to capitalize on a broken system. **From ''Truth Social'' as reported in [https://www.mediaite.com/news/trump-demands-major-investigation-into-springsteen-beyonce-oprah-for-backing-kamala-harris-corrupt-unlawful/ Trump Demands ‘Major Investigation’ Into Springsteen, Beyoncé, Oprah for Backing Kamala Harris: ‘CORRUPT & UNLAWFUL!’] ''Mediate'' (May 19, 2025) * HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL, INCLUDING THE SCUM THAT SPENT THE LAST FOUR YEARS TRYING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY THROUGH WARPED RADICAL LEFT MINDS, WHO ALLOWED 21,000,000 MILLION PEOPLE TO ILLEGALLY ENTER OUR COUNTRY, MANY OF THEM BEING CRIMINALS AND THE MENTALLY INSANE,THROUGH AN OPEN BORDER THAT ONLY AN INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT WOULD APPROVE, AND THROUGH JUDGES WHO ARE ON A MISSION TO KEEP MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, RAPISTS, GANG MEMBERS, AND RELEASED PRISONERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY SO THEY CAN ROB, MURDER, AND RAPE AGAIN — ALL PROTECTED BY THESE USA HATING JUDGES WHO SUFFER FROM AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS SICK, AND VERY DANGEROUS FOR OUR COUNTRY. HOPEFULLY THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, AND OTHER GOOD AND COMPASSIONATE JUDGES THROUGHOUT THE LAND, WILL SAVE US FROM THE DECISIONS OF THE MONSTERS WHO WANT OUR COUNTRY TO GO TO HELL. BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS OVER THE LAST 4 MONTHS, AND AMERICA WILL SOON BE SAFE AND GREAT AGAIN! AGAIN, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA! ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/fact-check-trumps-memorial-day-154700630.html "Fact Check: Trump's Memorial Day message"] ''Yahoo News'' (May 27, 20205) * What Vladimir Putin doesn’t realize is that if it weren’t for me, lots of really bad things would have already happened to Russia, and I mean REALLY BAD. He’s playing with fire! ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/trump-brags-shielding-putin-not-204644595.html "Trump Brags About Shielding Putin, And It’s Not Going Over Well On Social Media"] ''Huffington Post'' (May 27, 2025) * There is no #JoeBiden - executed in 2020. #Biden clones doubles & robotic engineered soulless mindless entities are what you see. Democrats dont know the difference. ** Social media posting shared by Donald Trump, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-shares-bonkers-conspiracy-theory-about-joe-biden-being-replaced-by-clones/ "Trump Shares Unhinged Conspiracy Theory That Biden Is a Robot Clone"], ''Daily Beast'' (May 31, 2025) ===== [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-advice-university-alabama-commencement-speech-2067054 Donald Trump Shares 11 Pieces of Advice at Rally-Style Commencement Speech] Newsweek (1 May 2025) ===== # "If you're here today and think that you're too young to do something great, let me tell you that you are wrong. You're not too young. You can have great success at a very young age ... In America, with drive and ambition, young people can do anything." # "You have to love what you do. You have to. I rarely see somebody that's successful that doesn't love what he or she does ... If I didn't find it fun, I wouldn't be successful." # "The third thing is to think big. If you're going to do something, you might as well think big. I know a lot of people, they've thought small, they were very smart. I know others that weren't nearly as smart, but they had a better picture of the big picture, because it's just as hard to solve a small problem as a big problem and it's just as much energy and everything else, except the result is going to be a smaller one. So love what you do and think big if it's possible." # "Work hard. Never, ever stop," Trump said, before mentioning pro golf legend Gary Player. The president said Player "wasn't as big as other men, he was on the small side ... but he worked very, very hard. He made up for it. He never stopped." # "Don't lose your momentum. You just want to keep it going. And you have to know, if you are losing it, you have to know when you are losing it, so maybe you stop and maybe it's time to stop. Listen to the feedback, think through your plan very carefully and keep moving fast." # "If you want to change the world, you have to have the courage to be an outsider. In other words, you have to take certain risks and do things a little bit differently; otherwise, if that were the case, everybody would be successful. Doesn't work that way. Progress never comes from those satisfied with the failures of a broken system; it comes from those who want to fix the broken system. If you want to go to the top, you're just never going to do it unless you break the system ... You really do, you have to break the system a little bit and follow your own instincts. But if your vision is right, nothing will hold you down. Nothing. You have to have the right vision." # "Trust your instincts. Common sense. You can go very far in life with common sense and I applied that to politics because some of these things, like, they had open borders. Let everybody in the whole world flow into our country. That's not common sense." # "Everybody should believe in the American dream. It's real, it's there and it's right before you." # "Think of yourself as a winner. The power of positive thinking. Don't consider yourself a victim. Consider yourself a winner. In recent years, too many of our young people have really been taught to think of themselves as victims and blame people and be angry. Don't be angry. In America, we reject that idea that anyone is born a victim. Our heroes are the ones who take charge of their own destiny, make their own luck and determine their own fate, despite the odds." # "Be an original," Trump said as his penultimate piece of advice for the graduating class. "The all-time greats were people who had the confidence to be a little different ... God only created one of you. Remember that. You're all different, some are close, but nobody is the same. You're one of a kind so don't try to be someone else. Just be yourself." # "Never, ever give up. Never give up. Don't stop. Never, ever give up. Victory is right around the corner." ==== June 2025 ==== *The horrific decision stated that I would have to get the approval of Congress for these Tariffs. In other words, hundreds of politicians would sit around D.C. for weeks, and even months, trying to come to a conclusion as to what to charge other Countries that are treating us unfairly. If allowed to stand, this would completely destroy Presidential Power — The Presidency would never be the same! **Regarding the Court of International Trade’s decision stating that tariffs must be approved by Congress according to the Constitution, as quoted in “Truth Social” and reported in [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/congress-trade-tariffs-trump-gives-away-game-power-grab-rcna210366 On Congress and trade tariffs, Trump gives away the game about his power grab] ''MSNBC'' (June 2, 2025) * Because of Tariffs, our Economy is BOOMING! ** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trumps-brag-about-booming-economy-immediately-gets-a-humiliating-reality-check/ "Trump’s Brag About ‘BOOMING’ Economy Immediately Gets a Humiliating Reality Check"], ''Daily Beast'' (June 3, 2025) *That was not a pleasant day for you? **About the 1945 D-Day landings, to Chancellor of Germany Friedrich Merz, who replied "This was the liberation of my country from Nazi dictatorship." ([https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/germanys-chancellor-visits-trump-as-europes-alliance-with-u-s-is-fracturing June 5, 2025]) * The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of dollars, is to terminate Elon's Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn't do it! ** [https://www.axios.com/2025/06/05/elon-musk-twitter-trump-epstein-files "How Trump and Musk's relationship exploded in real time over X, Truth Social"], ''Axios'' (June 5, 2025) *We want to wean off of FEMA and we want to bring it down to the state level — a little bit like education, we're moving it back to the states.<br>It has not worked out well. It's extremely expensive and, again, when you have a tornado or a hurricane or you have a problem of any kind, in a state, that's what you have governors for. They're supposed to fix those problems, and it's much more local and they'll develop a system, and it will be a great system. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-fema-hurricane-season-wean-states/ Trump says his administration wants to "wean" states off FEMA aid after hurricane season] ''CBS News'' (June 11, 2025) * Remember eggs? We weren’t able to buy another egg for the next 20 years — they were so expensive, right? Eggs have come down 400%. ** [https://finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-says-everybody-eggs-now-154300576.html "Trump says ‘everybody has eggs now’ since prices have dropped a staggering 400%. But is his math scrambled?"] ''Yahoo Finance / Moneywise'' (June 12, 2025) * Please help me with my military parade. ** Written in a fundraising e-mail, quoted in [https://www.mediaite.com/media/tv/chris-hayes-cackles-at-trump-email-sorry-thats-a-funny-sentence/ "Chris Hayes Cackles at Trump Email: ‘Sorry, That’s a Funny Sentence’"], ''Mediaite'' (June 13, 2025) * President Putin called this morning to very nicely wish me a Happy Birthday ** Quoted in [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump/trump-says-putin-very-nicely-wished-him-happy-birthday-and-they-agreed-war-in-israel-iran-should-end-on-hour-long-call/ "Trump Says Putin ‘Very Nicely’ Wished Him Happy Birthday and They Agreed ‘War in Israel-Iran Should End’ on Hour-Long Call"], ''Mediaite'' (June 14, 2025) * We can easily get a deal done between Iran and Israel, and end this bloody conflict. ** [https://www.politico.eu/article/donald-trump-iran-retaliation-levels-never-seen-before/ "Trump threatens Iran with retaliation ‘at levels never seen before’"], ''Politico'' (June 15, 2025) *ICE Officers are herewith ordered, by notice of this TRUTH, to do all in their power to achieve the very important goal of delivering the single largest Mass Deportation Program in History.<br>In order to achieve this, we must expand efforts to detain and deport Illegal Aliens in America’s largest Cities, such as Los Angeles, Chicago, and New York, where Millions upon Millions of Illegal Aliens reside. These, and other such Cities, are the core of the Democrat Power Center, where they use Illegal Aliens to expand their Voter Base, cheat in Elections, and grow the Welfare State, robbing good paying Jobs and Benefits from Hardworking American Citizens. These radical left Democrats are sick of mind, hate our country and actually want to destroy our inner cities - and they are doing a good job of it! There is something wrong with them **From Truth Social reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/live-updates/trump-admin-updates-live/?id=122650591 Trump admin updates: Trump calls for expanded deportations in LA, NYC and more] ''ABC News'' (June 15, 2025) *I want them to focus on the cities because the cities are where you really have what's called sanctuary cities, and that's where the people are… Most of those people are in the cities, all blue cities, all Democrat-run cities, and they think they're going to use them to vote. It's not going to happen. **Speaking at the G7 Summit concerning the deportation of illegal aliens, reported in [https://www.cbs8.com/article/news/local/california/president-trump-orders-ice-to-target-democratic-run-cities/509-457960b7-63e1-4277-bc42-73d10918a0f4 Trump targets deportations in Democratic cities, sparks outrage in California] ''CBS8'' (June 16, 2025) *Well, considering that I’m the one that developed ‘America First,’ and considering that the term wasn’t used until I came along, I think I’m the one that decides that. **[https://www.msnbc.com/top-stories/latest/trump-america-first-iran-israel-strikes-rcna213299 Trump tries to redefine ‘America First’ in the face of MAGA backlash] ''MSNBC'' (June 16, 2025) *I think the governor of Minnesota is so whacked out. I'm not calling him. Why would I call him? I could call and say, 'Hi, how you doing?' Uh, the guy doesn't have a clue. He's a mess. I could be nice and call, but why waste time? **Explaining why he chose not to call Minnesota Governor [[Tim Walz]] following the political assassinations of state Representative [[Melissa Hortman]] (a Democrat) and her husband [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-call-walz-after-minnesota-shootings-calls-grossly/story?id=122870353 Trump says calling Walz after Minnesota shootings would be 'waste of time'] ''ABC News'' (June 17, 2025) * I don't believe in telephones. ** [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-14820045/Donald-Trump-G7-Iran-Air-Force-One.html "Donald Trump reveals the real reason he rushed home from the G7 in Canada while bombs fell on Tehran"] ''Daily Mail'' (June 17, 2025) *Let's have a good -- they call it a lifting. They also use another word, but I'm not gonna use that word. It starts with an E. Do you know what the word is? If I ever used it, I would be run out of town by you people. **While talking with reporters on the White House lawn, where he plans on installing two massive flagpoles, reported in [https://www.irishstar.com/news/us-news/trump-cracks-crude-genitalia-joke-35414899 Trump cracks crude genitalia joke at flagpole ceremony amid fears he'll be 'run out of town'] ''Irish Star'' (June 18, 2025) *My supporters are more in love with me today, and I'm more in love with them, more than they even were at election time where we had a total landslide…<br>I may have some people that are a little bit unhappy now, but I have some people that are very happy, and I have people outside of the base that can't believe that this is happening, they're so happy ... and there was a poll that just came out today and my approval rating’s the highest it’s ever been. **Speaking to reporters at the White House on the South Lawn, asked about supporters’ concerns regarding involvement in the Israel-Iran conflict quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory/trump-supporters-love-involvement-iran-roils-maga-world-122978793 Trump says supporters are 'more in love' with him than ever, as involvement in Iran roils MAGA world] ''ABC News'' (June 18, 2025)[https://www.al.com/politics/2025/06/trump-claims-his-approval-rating-is-the-highest-its-ever-been-numbers-tell-a-different-story.html] * I may do it. I may not do it. Nobody knows what I'm going to do. ** Said about the possibility of attacking Iran, 18 June 2025. Quoted in Allan Little [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/czxww2kez0go How Trump is using the 'Madman Theory' to try to change the world (and it's working)] ''BBC News'' (July 6, 2025) * I stopped the war between Pakistan and India. ** Claimed without providing evidence, quoted in [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/third-time-india-pushes-back-trumps-dubious-boasts-rcna213931 "For the third time, India pushes back against Trump’s dubious boasts"] ''MSNBC'' (June 19, 2025) *Zero Border crossings for the month for TRUMP, verses 60,000 for Sleepy, Crooked Joe Biden, a man who lost the 2020 Presidential Election by a “LANDSLIDE!” Biden was grossly incompetent, and the 2020 election was a total FRAUD! The evidence is MASSIVE and OVERWHELMING. A Special Prosecutor must be appointed. This cannot be allowed to happen again in the United States of America! **Taken from Truth Social post in [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump-calls-for-special-prosecutor-for-alleged-election-fraud-in-2020-claiming-he-won-in-a-landslide/ Trump Calls for Special Prosecutor for Alleged Election Fraud in 2020 — Claiming He Won in a ‘LANDSLIDE!’] ''Mediaite'' (June 20, 2025) *It’s not politically correct to use the term, ‘Regime Change’, but if the current Iranian Regime is unable to MAKE IRAN GREAT AGAIN, why wouldn’t there be a Regime change? MIGA!!! **''Truth Social'' posting, reported in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/us/news/2025/06/23/trump-agitates-for-iran-regime-change/ Trump agitates for regime change to ‘make Iran great again’] ''The Telegraph'' (June 22, 2025) *CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERYONE! It has been fully agreed by and between Israel and Iran that there will be a Complete and Total CEASEFIRE (in approximately 6 hours from now, when Israel and Iran have wound down and completed their in progress, final missions!), for 12 hours, at which point the War will be considered, ENDED! During each CEASEFIRE, the other side will remain PEACEFUL and RESPECTFUL. On the assumption that everything works as it should, which it will, I would like to congratulate both Countries, Israel and Iran, on having the Stamina, Courage, and Intelligence to end, what should be called, “THE 12 DAY WAR”. **Truth Social post reported in [https://www.cnbc.com/2025/06/23/iran-qatar-iraq-attacks-us-israel.html Trump announces Israel-Iran ceasefire timeline he says will end the war: Live updates] ''CNBC'' (June 23, 2025)[https://www.salon.com/2025/06/23/the-12-day-war-says-israel-iran-have-reached-tentative-ceasefire-agreement/] * Israel, as soon as we made the deal they came out and they dropped a load of bombs, the likes of which I’ve never seen before.<br>I’m not happy with Israel. You know, when I say, ‘OK now you have 12 hours,’ you don’t go out to the first hour, just drop everything you have on, so I’m not happy with them. I’m not happy with Iran either.<br>ISRAEL. DO NOT DROP THOSE BOMBS. IF YOU DO IT IS A MAJOR VIOLATION. BRING YOUR PILOTS HOME, NOW! ** [https://edition.cnn.com/world/live-news/israel-iran-conflict-us-trump-06-24-25-intl-hnk#cmcaf5mst00003b6prm250209 "Trump lashes out at Israel as his Middle East truce appears to falter"] ''CNN'' (June 24, 2025) * ''About Israel and Iran:'' : I don’t believe they will ever be shooting at each other again. :* [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-expects-israel-iran-ceasefire-last-forever-rcna214660 "Trump says he expects the Israel-Iran ceasefire will last 'forever'"] ''NBC News'' (June 24, 2025) * We have no inflation. ** Claimed without providing evidence, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/06/25/politics/fact-check-trump-nato-conference "Fact-checking Trump’s NATO news conference"] ''CNN'' (June 25, 2025) * I've talked to Putin a lot and he's actually been very kind. ** [https://www.gazetaexpress.com/en/He%27s-a-good-guy.-Trump-announces-talks-with-Zelensky--praises-Putin-as-very-kind./ "'He's a good guy': Trump announces talks with Zelensky, praises Putin as 'very kind'"] ''Gazeta Express'' (June 25, 2025) ==== July 2025 ==== * This bill rescues over 2 billion family farms from the so-called estate tax or the death tax. ** Claimed about the "Big Beautiful Bill", quoted in [https://www.irishstar.com/news/us-news/trump-loses-it-claims-2-35498032 "Trump 'loses it' as he claims 2 billion farms have been rescued then outright lies over taxes"] ''Irish Star'' (July 3, 2025) * ''Claimed about his "big beautiful bill":'' : It’s the most popular bill ever signed in the history of our country, whether you’re military or anybody else, this is the most single most popular bill ever signed, :* [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/07/04/politics/fact-check-trump-bill-unpopular "Fact check: Trump falsely claims his highly unpopular big bill is the ‘single most popular bill ever signed’"] ''CNN'' (July 4, 2025) *We made promises, and it’s really promises made, promises kept, and we’ve kept them. There’s a triumph of democracy on the birthday of democracy, and I have to say that the people are happy. **After signing the One Big Beautiful Bill into law [https://www.cnn.com/2025/07/04/politics/donald-trump-policy-bill-celebration Trump signs his agenda bill, with a flyover and fireworks to mark the occasion] ''CNN'' (July 4, 2025) *I would say firm, but not 100% firm. **When asked by a reporter whether the new August 1st tariff date was a hard deadline, quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cd0vkl31085o US delays higher tariffs but announces new taxes for some countries] ''BBC'' (July 7, 2025) *Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy’s been talked about for years…. Are people still talking about this guy? This creep? That is unbelievable.<br>I can’t believe you’re asking a question on Epstein at a time like this, when we’re having some of the greatest success and also tragedy with what happened in Texas. It just seems like a desecration. **Responding to a reporter’s question to Attorney General Pam Bondi regarding Jeffrey Epstein, quoted in [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-questions-why-people-talking-164717536.html Trump questions why people are talking about ‘creep’ Epstein - despite his push to release the files ] ''Yahoo News'' (July 8, 2025) *If a communist gets elected to run New York, it can never be the same, but we have tremendous power at the White House to run places when we have to.<br>New York City will run properly. We’re going to bring New York back. **After warning against the prospect of Zohran Mamdani winning the New York mayor’s race, quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2025-07-08/trump-says-he-s-weighing-federal-takeover-of-washington-dc Trump Says He’s Weighing Federal Takeover of Washington, DC] ''Bloomberg'' (July 8, 2025)[https://archive.is/317Oy#selection-1147.0-1147.59] *TARIFFS WILL START BEING PAID ON AUGUST 1, 2025. There has been no change to this date, and there will be no change. In other words, all money will be due and payable starting AUGUST 1, 2025 — No extensions will be granted. **From ''Truth Social'', quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/trump-threatens-no-extensions-aug-1-tariff-deadline-what-countries-rcna217536 Trump threatens 'no extensions' on new Aug. 1 tariff deadline, warns of higher import taxes] ''NBC News'' (July 8, 2025) *We’re on one Team, MAGA, and I don’t like what’s happening. We have a PERFECT Administration, THE TALK OF THE WORLD, and “selfish people” are trying to hurt it, all over a guy who never dies, Jeffrey Epstein….One year ago our Country was DEAD, now it’s the “HOTTEST” Country anywhere in the World. Let’s keep it that way, and not waste Time and Energy on Jeffrey Epstein, somebody that nobody cares about. **From ''Truth Social'', quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2025/07/12/politics/bondi-epstein-investigation-trump Trump defends Bondi amid MAGA fallout over her handling of Epstein investigation] ''CNN'' (July 13, 2025)[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/114842356238631061] *I speak to him a lot about getting this thing done. And I always hang up and say, well, that was a nice phone call. And then missiles are launched into Kyiv or some other city. And I said, strange. And after that happens three or four times, you say the talk doesn't mean anything. **Referring to his conversations with Russian President Vladimir Putin regarding ending the Russia-Ukraine war, quoted in [https://www.npr.org/transcripts/nx-s1-5467304 Trump announces new weapon plan for Ukraine, threatens Russia with tariffs] ''NPR'' (July 14, 2025) *Very good. Because I won. It's good to win. You heard I won, right? Did you hear I won? I like to win. **When asked how the golf tournament was after winning the Senior Club Championship at his course outside of West Palm Beach, Florida [https://www.palmbeachpost.com/story/news/trump/2025/07/14/trump-golf-championship-new-jersey-bedminster/85190196007/ Trump claims another golf championship, his fifth this year, at his New Jersey club] ''The Palm Beach Post'' (July 14, 2025) * I go home, I tell the first lady, ‘I spoke to Vladimir today, we had a wonderful conversation.’ And she says, ‘Oh really, another city was just hit’ ** Donald Trump, quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/melania-trump-russia-ukraine-b2789171.html "How Melania Trump emerged as one of Zelensky’s key allies in the White House"] ''The Independent'' (July 15, 2025) * No, no. She's [Pam Bondi] uh, she's given us just a very quick briefing. And in terms of the credibility of the various things that they've seen. And I would say that, you know, these files [Jeffrey Epstein files] were made up by Comey, they were made up by Obama, they were made up but, the Biden, uh, you know, and we went through years of that. ** Donald Trump answering a reporter's question on wether Donald Trump's name appeared in the Jeffrey Epstein files. [https://apnews.com/article/trump-epstein-conspiracy-theories-bondi-bongino-fbi-a143076353acbc1193cb9697e7fc4a90 With Epstein conspiracy theories, Trump faces a crisis of his own making] [[File:Epstein Final Mugshot.png|thumb|I have had more [[success]] in 6 months than perhaps any [[President]] in our Country’s [[history]], and all these [[people]] want to talk about, with strong prodding by the [[Fake news|Fake News]] and the success starved [[Democratic Party (United States)|Dems]], is the [[Jeffrey Epstein]] Hoax.]] *The Radical Left Democrats have hit pay dirt, again! Just like with the FAKE and fully discredited Steele Dossier, the lying 51 “Intelligence” Agents, the Laptop from Hell, which the Dems swore had come from Russia (No, it came from Hunter Biden’s bathroom!), and even the Russia, Russia, Russia Scam itself, a totally fake and made up story used in order to hide Crooked Hillary Clinton’s big loss in the 2016 Presidential Election, these Scams and Hoaxes are all the Democrats are good at… Their new SCAM is what we will forever call the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax, and my PAST supporters have bought into this “bullshit,” hook, line, and sinker. They haven’t learned their lesson, and probably never will, even after being conned by the Lunatic Left for 8 long years. I have had more success in 6 months than perhaps any President in our Country’s history, and all these people want to talk about, with strong prodding by the Fake News and the success starved Dems, is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax. Let these weaklings continue forward and do the Democrats work, don’t even think about talking of our incredible and unprecedented success, because I don’t want their support anymore! **''Truth Social'' post cutting ties with any MAGA supporters who still want answers in the Jeffrey Epstein investigation, reported in [https://www.mediaite.com/media/news/trump-melts-down-over-epstein-hoax-slams-supporters-who-believe-this-bullsht-i-dont-want-their-support-anymore/ Trump Melts Down Over Epstein ‘Hoax,’ Slams Supporters Who Believe ‘This Bullsh*t’: ‘I Don’t Want Their Support Anymore!’] ''Mediaite'' (July 16, 2025) *I know it’s a hoax. It was started by Democrats. It’s been run by the Democrats for four years ... it’s perpetrated by the Democrats and some stupid Republicans and foolish Republicans fall into the net, and so they try and do the Democrats’ work. **When asked by a reporter if he has evidence to support his claim that the fervor over Jeffrey Epstein, who died from suicide in a Manhattan jail cell during his first term, is part of a Democratic “hoax” against him, reported in [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-epstein-file-response-republicans-b2790269.html Trump attacks ‘stupid Republicans’ for wanting Epstein files released] ''Independent'' (July 16, 2025) *No, no, she's -- she's given us just a very quick briefing. And in terms of the credibility of the different things that they've seen, and I would say that, you know, these files were made up by Comey, they were made up by Obama, they were made up by the Biden -- and you know, we and we went through years of that with the Russia, Russia, Russia hoax, with all of the different things that we had to go through. **When asked by a reporter if Pam Bondi told him his name appeared in the Epstein files [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/us/whatever-she-thinks-is-credible-trump-reacts-again-on-epstein-files-says-pam-bondi-has-handled-it-very-well/articleshow/122535035.cms 'Whatever she thinks is credible': Trump reacts again on Epstein files; says Pam Bondi has 'handled it very well'] ''Times of India'' (July 16, 2025) *He’s a terrible Fed chair. I was surprised he was appointed. I was surprised, frankly, that Biden put him in and extended him. **Regarding Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell whom Donald Trump appointed in 2017 [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/trump-says-was-surprised-jerome-powell-fed-chair-appointed-was-appoint-rcna219162 Trump says he was surprised that Jerome Powell, the Fed chair he appointed, was appointed] MSNBC (July 16, 2025) *I have asked the Justice Department to release all Grand Jury testimony with respect to Jeffrey Epstein, subject only to Court Approval. With that being said, and even if the Court gave its full and unwavering approval, nothing will be good enough for the troublemakers and radical left lunatics making the request. It will always be more, more, more. **From ''Truth Social'' reported in [https://dnyuz.com/2025/07/19/trump-savages-lunatics-demanding-epstein-files-release/ Trump Savages ‘Lunatics’ Demanding Epstein Files Release] ''DNYUZ'' (July 19, 2025) * We’re gonna get the drug prices down — not 30% or 40%, which would be great. Not 50% or 60%. No, we’re gonna get them down 1,000%, 600%, 500%, 1,500%. * Something that nobody else can do. * Numbers that are not even thought to be achievable. ** [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/prescription-drug-costs-trump-flunks-arithmetic-embarrassing-fashion-rcna220508 "On prescription drug costs, Trump flunks arithmetic in embarrassing fashion"] ''MSNBC'' (July 23, 2025) * Every time they give you a question that's not appropriate, just say 'by the way, Obama cheated on the election.' ** [https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/mikey-smith-8-unhinged-donald-35606610 "MIKEY SMITH: 8 unhinged Donald Trump moments as he scrambles to distract from Epstein scandal"] ''Mirror'' (July 23, 2025) *I never had the privilege of going to his island, and I did turn him down. But a lot of people in Palm Beach were invited to his island. In one of my very good moments, I turned it down. I didn’t want to go to his island. **In reference to the late Jeffrey Epstein's island where underage girls were made available to Epstein and his guests [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5423583-trump-rejects-epstein-island-offer/ Trump says he turned down offer to go to Epstein island: ‘One of my very good moments’] ''The Hill'' (July 28, 2025) * I'm not a fan of your mayor. I think he's done a terrible job, the mayor of London... a nasty person. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cx2q5pjk4zko "Trump takes another swipe at London's mayor"] ''BBC'' (July 28, 2025) * We stopped about five wars. ** Claimed without providing details or evidence, quoted in [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-boasts-he-stopped-about-five-wars-while-opening-new-scotland-golf-course-vows-work-with-netanyahu "Trump boasts he 'stopped about five wars' while opening new Scotland golf course, vows to work with Netanyahu"] ''FOX News'' (July 29, 2025) * I know better than anybody about sanctions and tariffs and everything else. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/07/31/politics/russia-sanctions-trump-witkoff-ukraine "Trump says Witkoff will travel to Russia, affirms plans for new sanctions"] ''CNN'' (July 31, 2025) *Tariffs are making America GREAT & RICH Again... Now the tide has completely turned, and America has successfully countered this onslaught of Tariffs used against it. ONE YEAR AGO, AMERICA WAS A DEAD COUNTRY, NOW IT IS THE “HOTTEST” COUNTRY ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL! **From ''Truth Social'', reported in [https://www.scrippsnews.com/politics/with-trade-deadline-nearing-court-case-could-define-trumps-tariff-authority With trade deadline nearing, court case could define Trump's tariff authority] ''Scripps News'' (July 31, 2025) * They've wanted [[w:White House State Ballroom|a ballroom at the White House]] for more than 150 years, but there's never been a president that was good at ballrooms. I'm really good. **On the White House ballroom project (31 July 2025), as quoted in [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-white-house-ballroom-construction/ "Trump said new White House ballroom construction wouldn't 'interfere with the current building'" by Joey Esposito, ''Snopes'' (21 October 2025)]; also in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-building-new-200-million-ballroom-white-house/story?id=124254902 "Trump is building a new $200 million ballroom at the White House" ''ABC News'' (July 31, 2025)] ==== August 2025 ==== *I was just informed that our Country’s ‘Jobs Numbers’ are being produced by a Biden Appointee, Dr. Erika McEntarfer, the Commissioner of Labor Statistics, who faked the Jobs Numbers before the Election to try and boost Kamala’s [Harris’] chances of Victory... We need accurate Jobs Numbers. I have directed my Team to fire this Biden Political Appointee, IMMEDIATELY. She will be replaced with someone much more competent and qualified. **Fires the Bureau of Labor Statistics commissioner, Erika McEntarfer, in a ''Truth Social'' post immediately after the agency reported job growth in the U.S. had slowed to a near-halt, reported in [https://www.cnbc.com/2025/08/01/trump-erika-mcentarfer-jobs-report-fired.html Trump fires commissioner of labor statistics after weaker-than-expected jobs figures slam markets] ''CNBC'' (August 1st, 2025) *If Sydney Sweeney is a registered Republican, I think her ad is fantastic. **[https://deadline.com/2025/08/donald-trump-sydney-sweeneys-american-eagle-ads-1236477752/ Trump Hails Sydney Sweeney’s American Eagle Ads After Reports Actress Is Registered Republican] ''Deadline'' (August 4, 2025) * One of the things they're going to be talking about pretty soon are the tremendous drop in drug prices. You know, we've cut drug prices by 1,200, 1,300, 1,400, 1,500 percent. I don't mean 50 percent. I mean 14-, 1,500 percent. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-doubles-down-impossible-drug-price-cuts-2108365 "Donald Trump Doubles Down on Mathematically Impossible Drug Price Cuts"] ''Newsweek'' (August 4, 2025) *We have an opportunity in Texas to pick up five [congressional] seats. We have a really good governor, and we have good people in Texas. And I won Texas. I got the highest vote in the history of Texas, as you probably know, and we are entitled to five more seats. **Regarding the recently proposed congressional state map that, if passed by the state’s legislature, would boost the Republican party’s chances of maintaining control of the House in the 2026 midterms [https://www.politico.com/news/2025/08/05/trump-texas-redistricting-00493624 Trump on Texas redistricting: ‘We are entitled to 5 more seats’] ''Politico'' (August 5, 2025) * I have poll numbers where I’m 71 percent. I have the best poll numbers. * Among Republicans, 94 and 95 percent. * Fox gives me terrible polls all the time, you know, they do nothing, but they… I’ve never had a good poll with Fox. ** [https://www.mediaite.com/media/tv/trump-loses-it-on-cnbc-when-hosts-fact-check-insane-approval-rating-whopper-nbc-is-the-worst/ "Trump Loses It on CNBC When Hosts Fact Check Insane Approval Rating Whopper: NBC Is the ‘Worst’"] ''Mediaite'' (August 5, 2025) *And that’s a gift. That’s not like, you know, a loan, by the way. That’s not a loan that, ‘Oh, gee, three years comes up. We have to pay it back.’ There’s nothing to pay back. They gave us $600 billion that we can invest in anything we want. ... [T]here are no details. The details are $600 billion to invest in anything I want. Anything. I can do anything I want. **Claiming the European Union was giving the United States a $600 billion gift that turned out to be untrue [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/trumps-claim-600-billion-gift-european-union-quietly-falls-apart-rcna226564 Trump’s claim about a $600 billion ‘gift’ from the European Union quietly falls apart] ''MSNBC'' (August 5, 2025)[https://www.cnbc.com/2025/08/05/cnbc-transcript-president-of-the-united-states-donald-trump-speaks-with-cnbcs-squawk-box-today-.html] *I have to say that somebody from DOGE was very badly hurt… A young man who was beat up by a bunch of thugs in DC, and either they’re gonna straighten their act out in the terms of government and in terms of protection or we’re gonna have to federalize and run it the way it’s supposed to be run. **[https://www.cnn.com/2025/08/06/politics/trump-federal-take-over-dc-doge-coristine-assault Trump reignites threat to take over DC after former DOGE worker assaulted in attempted carjacking] ''CNN'' (August 6, 2025) * [[Stephen Colbert | Colbert]] has no talent. I mean, I could take anybody here. I could go outside in the beautiful streets and pick a couple of people that do just as well or better. They’d get higher ratings than he did. He’s got no talent.<br>[[Jimmy Fallon | Fallon]] has no talent. [[Jimmy Kimmel | Kimmel]] has no talent. They’re next. They’re going to be going. I hear they’re going to be going. I don’t know, but I would imagine because they’d get—you know, Colbert has better ratings than Kimmel or Fallon. * It’s really good to see them go, and I hope I played a major part in it! ** Claimed after the popular late night show hosts and comedians criticised the policies of Trump, quoted in [https://nypost.com/2025/08/07/media/trump-repeats-claim-kimmel-fallon-are-next-after-stephen-colbert-cancellation/ "Trump repeats claim Kimmel, Fallon are ‘next’ after Stephen Colbert cancellation"] ''New York Post'' (August 7, 2025) * IT'S MIDNIGHT! BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN TARIFFS ARE NOW FLOWING INTO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! ** Claimed about tariffs paid by US importers, quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/trump-tariffs-latest-round-takes-effect-thursday-august-7-2025-rcna223461 "New tariffs snap into effect, raising import taxes to highest level since Great Depression"] ''NBC News'' (August 7, 2025) *…I direct the Secretary of Defense to mobilize the District of Columbia National Guard and order members to active service, in such numbers as he deems necessary, to address the epidemic of crime in our Nation’s capital.  The mobilization and duration of duty shall remain in effect until I determine that conditions of law and order have been restored in the District of Columbia. **[https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/08/restoring-law-and-order-in-the-district-of-columbia/ RESTORING LAW AND ORDER IN THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA] The White House (August 11, 2025) *This is liberation day in D.C. and we’re going to take our capital back. We’re taking it back. Under the authorities vested in me as the president of the United States, I’m officially invoking section 740 of the District of Columbia Home Rule Act — you know what that is — and placing the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department under direct federal control. **[https://ca.news.yahoo.com/trump-places-dc-police-under-151649421.html Trump Places DC Police Under Federal Control: ‘We’re Going to Take Our Capital Back’] ''Yahoo News'' (August 11, 2025) *See, they fight back until you knock the hell out of them, because it’s the only language they understand...<br>You spit and we hit. And they’re standing there and people are spitting in their face and they’re not allowed to do anything. But <b>now they are allowed to do whatever the hell they want</b>. **Giving police permission to use whatever means of violence they want against Washington DC citizens, reported in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-takeover-dc-police-crime-b2807175.html Trump told cops to do ‘whatever the hell they want’ to fix DC. Here’s why that’s ‘extremely dangerous’] ''Independent'' (August 11, 2025) * I don’t like being up here, talking about how unsafe and how dirty and disgusting this once-beautiful capital was. ** [https://au.news.yahoo.com/trump-mistook-alaska-russia-yes-192134848.html "Trump Thought Alaska Was Russia, And The Internet Is Having An Absolute Field Day With It"] ''Yahoo News / Buzzfeed'' (August 11, 2025) * I’m going to see Putin. I’m going to Russia on Friday. ** [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-putin-meeting-russia-alaska-ukraine-war-b2805880.html "‘I’m going to Russia’: Trump appears to forget Alaska is in US as he frets over facing Putin"] ''The Independent'' (August 12, 2025) *Our Economy is booming, and E.J. will ensure that the Numbers released are HONEST and ACCURATE. **Regarding his nomination of economist and contributor to Project 2025, E.J. Antoni, as the new Bureau of Labor Statistics commissioner [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-picks-heritage-economist-antoni-lead-us-labor-statistics-agency-2025-08-11/ Trump picks Heritage economist Antoni to lead US labor statistics agency] ''Reuters'' (August 12, 2025) *There’s no deal until there’s a deal. **After meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Anchorage, Alaska regarding ending the Russia-Ukraine War, [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/live-blog/trump-putin-summit-alaska-ukraine-war-russia-peace-live-updates-rcna224983 Trump-Putin summit ends without a deal on Ukraine] ''NBC News'' (August 15, 2025) * Vladimir Putin said something – one of the most interesting things. He said: ‘Your election was rigged because you have [[w:Postal voting | mail-in voting]] … No country has mail-in voting. It’s impossible to have mail-in voting and have honest elections.’* ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/aug/16/love-in-a-cold-climate-putin-romances-trump-in-alaska-with-talk-of-rigged-elections-and-a-trip-to-moscow "Love in a cold climate: Putin romances Trump in Alaska with talk of rigged elections and a trip to Moscow"] ''The Guardian'' (August 16, 2025) * I want to see a ceasefire rapidly. I don’t know if it’s going to be today. But I’m not going to be happy if it’s not today. ** Said about the ongoing Russian warfare against Ukraine, quoted in [https://time.com/7309902/trump-putin-meeting-ultimatum-ceasefire-talks/ "Trump Says No Deal Reached With Putin as Alaska Summit Ends Earlier Than Expected"] ''Time Magazine'' (August 16, 2025) * If I got Russia to give up Moscow as part of the Deal, the Fake News, and their PARTNER, the Radical Left Democrats, would say I made a terrible mistake and a very bad deal. That’s why they are the FAKE NEWS! ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-if-i-got-russia-to-give-up-moscow-truth-social_n_68a1df07e4b07702299b5342 "Trump Writes Post About Moscow That's Absurd Even For Him"] ''Huffington Post'' (August 17, 2025) * The very unattractive (both inside and out!) Senator from Connecticut, Chris Murphy, said ‘Putin got everything that he wanted.’ Actually, ‘nobody got anything,’ too soon, but getting close. Murphy is a lightweight who thinks it made the Russian President look good in coming to America. : Actually, it was very hard for President Putin to do so. This war can be ended, NOW, but stupid people like Chris Murphy, John Bolton, and others, make it much harder to do so. :* [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-blasts-lightweight-dem-senator-who-criticized-putin-summit-alaska-stupid "Trump blasts 'lightweight' Dem senator who criticized Putin summit in Alaska: 'Stupid'"] ''FOX News'' (August 18, 2025) [[File:Scourged back by McPherson & Oliver, 1863, colourised.jpg|thumb|[[Smithsonian Institution|The Smithsonian]] is OUT OF [[Control|CONTROL]], where everything discussed is how horrible [[United States|our Country]] is, how [[bad]] [[Slavery]] was, and how unaccomplished [[Oppression|the downtrodden]] have been — [[Nothing]] about [[Success]], nothing about Brightness, nothing about the [[Future]].]] * The Fake News has been saying for 3 days that I suffered a ‘major defeat’ by allowing President Vladimir Putin of Russia to have a major Summit in the United States. Actually, he would have loved doing the meeting anywhere else but the U.S., and the Fake News knows this. ** Claimed about Vladimir Putin, who is subject to an [https://www.icc-cpi.int/news/situation-ukraine-icc-judges-issue-arrest-warrants-against-vladimir-vladimirovich-putin-and arrest warrant] that in most of the developed, democratic countries would have made him be arrested and sent to the International Criminal Court in Hague for prosecution for war crimes. Quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5457134-trump-putin-summit-criticism/ "Trump criticizes ‘fake news,’ Democrat, Zelensky in series of posts"] ''The Hill'' (August 17, 2025) * ''Said about Melania Trump and the son that Donald and Melania have together:'' : She’s got a great love of children, she has a wonderful son that she loves probably more than anybody, including me, I hate to say it, :* [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-melania-barron-b2809877.html "Trump admits that Melania loves Barron more than him: ‘I hate to say it’"] ''Independent'' (August 18, 2025) * Bela ** [https://www.ndtv.com/offbeat/a-new-covfefe-donald-trumps-latest-one-word-post-confuses-internet-9105612 "A New Covfefe? Donald Trump's Latest One-Word Post Confuses Internet"] ''NDTV'' (August 18, 2025) * The [[Museums]] throughout [[Washington D. C.|Washington]], but all over [[United States|the Country]] are, essentially, the last remaining segment of "[[w:Woke|WOKE]]." The Smithsonian is OUT OF [[Control|CONTROL]], where everything discussed is how horrible our Country is, how [[bad]] [[Slavery]] was, and how unaccomplished [[Oppression|the downtrodden]] have been — [[Nothing]] about [[Success]], nothing about Brightness, nothing about the [[Future]]. We are not going to allow this to happen, and I have instructed my [[attorneys]] to go through the [[Museums]], and start the exact same process that has been done with Colleges and [[Universities]] where tremendous progress has been made. This Country cannot be WOKE because WOKE IS BROKE. We have the “HOTTEST” Country in the World, and we want people to talk about it, including in our Museums. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/115056914674717313 ''Truthsocial.com'' posting (August 19, 2025)] * I want to try and get to heaven if possible…. I'm hearing I'm not doing well. …I am really at the bottom of the totem pole. But if I can get to heaven, this will be one of the reasons. **Speaking on ''Fox and Friends'' regarding his desire to bring an end to the Russia-Ukraine War [https://www.themirror.com/entertainment/celebrity-news/trump-tells-fox-hosts-hes-1338143 "Donald Trump shares fears he won't go to heaven as he says he's 'not doing well'"] '' The Mirror US'' (August 19, 2025)[https://www.themirror.com/news/us-news/donald-trump-heaven-fears-health-1339753] * When you go to a voting booth, and you do it the right way, and you go to a state that runs it properly, you go in -- they even asked me, they asked me for my license plate. I said, 'I don't know if I have it.' They said, 'Sir, you have to have it.' I was very impressed actually." ** [https://www.jalopnik.com/1944138/trump-claims-license-plate-voting/ "Trump Claims He Was Asked For His License Plate At The Voting Booth"] ''Jalopnink'' (August 19, 2025) * MSNBC IS DOING SO POORLY IN THE RATINGS THAT THEY ARE LOOKING TO CHANGE THEIR NAME IN ORDER TO GET AWAY FROM THE STENCH OF THEIR FAKE NEWS PRODUCT. SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH THEIR WEAK AND INEFFECTIVE OWNER, ‘CONCAST,’ HEADED BY DOPEY BRIAN ROBERTS, HOPELESSLY AND AIMLESSLY FLAILING IN THE WIND IN AN ATTEMPT TO DISASSOCIATE ITSELF FROM THE GARBAGE THAT THEY CREATED! MSNBC IS A FAILURE BY ANY NAME!!!” ** [https://www.tvinsider.com/1210320/trump-cankles-truth-social-msnbc-lawrence-odonnell-video/ "Trump Rants Against MSNBC After Lawrence O’Donnell Mocks His ‘Cankle’ Issue"] ''TV Insider'' (August 21, 2025) *They say, ‘we don’t need him, freedom, freedom, he’s a dictator, he’s a dictator.’ A lot of people are saying, ‘Maybe we would like a dictator.’ I don’t like a dictator; I’m not a dictator. I’m a man with great common sense, and I’m a smart person. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-dictator-crime-cities-b2813664.html Trump insists he is not a dictator - but claims that many people think the US could use one] ''Independent'' (August 25, 2025) *Despite a very high popularity and, according to many, among the greatest 8 months in Presidential History, ABC & NBC FAKE NEWS, two of the worst and most biased networks in history, give me 97% BAD STORIES. IF THAT IS THE CASE, THEY ARE SIMPLY AN ARM OF THE DEMOCRAT PARTY AND SHOULD, ACCORDING TO MANY, HAVE THEIR LICENSES REVOKED BY THE FCC. I would be totally in favor of that because they are so biased and untruthful, an actual threat to our Democracy!!! **From ''Truth Social'', reported in [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-media-nbc-abc-fcc-license-revoked-fees-2118632 Trump Calls For 'Fake News' Networks To Have Licenses Revoked by FCC] ''Newsweek'' (August 25, 2025) * Except what is written and broadcast in the Fake News, I now have the highest poll numbers I’ve ever had, some in the 60’s and even 70’s. ** [https://www.nj.com/politics/2025/08/trump-keeps-boasting-about-his-popularity-but-where-does-he-really-stand.html "Trump keeps boasting about his popularity. But where does he really stand?"] ''NJ.com'' (August 25, 2025) * If you burn a flag, you get one year in jail; no early exits, no nothing. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2025/8/25/trump-bans-burning-of-us-flag-in-defiance-of-constitutional-protections "Trump bans burning of US flag in defiance of constitutional protections"] ''Al Jazeera'' (August 25, 2025) * WHAT IS GOING ON IN SOUTH KOREA? Seems like a Purge or Revolution. We can’t have that and do business there. ** [https://eu.detroitnews.com/story/news/politics/2025/08/25/trump-claims-purge-or-revolution-in-south-korea-ahead-of-meeting-with-new-leader/85820943007/ "Trump claims 'Purge or Revolution' in South Korea ahead of meeting with new leader"] ''Detroit News'' (August 25, 2025) *And I don't like getting into looks. You know, looks don't mean anything, right? When you're in politics, looks don't matter.<br>Look at Pam, I would never say she was beautiful because that would be the end of my political career. **[https://www.irishstar.com/news/politics/breaking-donald-trump-makes-creepy-35530513 Donald Trump makes 'creepy' flirty comment toward Pam Bondi during Cabinet meeting] ''Irish Star'' (August 26, 2025) *The Department of Defense… It didn’t sound good — defense. Why are we on defense? So it used to be called the Department of War, and it had a stronger sound. And as you know, we won World War I. We won World War II. We won everything. Now we have a Department of Defense. We’re defenders.<br> I think Department of War, it just sounded better. We want defense, but we want offense too, if that’s OK. So you’ll make a decision. But you know, as Department of War, we won everything. **[https://indianexpress.com/article/world/trump-renaming-pentagon-department-of-war-10212728/ Trump wants to rename Department of Defense as ‘Department of War’: ‘It has a stronger sound’] ''The Indian Express'' (August 26, 2025) * Baltimore is a hellhole. ** [https://www.fox13now.com/politics/the-president/trump-calls-baltimore-a-hellhole-during-cabinet-meeting "Trump calls Baltimore a 'hellhole' during cabinet meeting"] ''Fox 13'' (August 26, 2025) * I have the right to do anything I want to do. I'm the president of the United States. If I think our country is in danger, and it is in danger in these cities, I can do it. ** [https://rollcall.com/2025/08/27/the-u-s-system-always-had-loopholes-trump-2-0-exploits-what-others-resisted/ The US system always had loopholes. Trump 2.0 exploits what others resisted] ''Roll Call'' (August 26, 2025) * There is a sick rumour going around that Fake News NBC extended the contract of one of the least talented late-night television hosts out there, Seth Meyers. He has no Ratings, Talent, or Intelligence, and the Personality of an insecure child. So, why would Fake News NBC extend this dope’s contract. I don’t know, but I’ll definitely be finding out!!! ** [https://www.livemint.com/news/us-news/after-stephen-colbert-donald-trump-now-targets-seth-meyers-host-of-late-night-personality-of-an-insecure-child-11756289725956.html "After Stephen Colbert, Donald Trump now targets Seth Meyers, host of ‘Late Night’: ‘Personality of an insecure child’"] ''Mint'' (August 27, 2025) * I’m sure that Ukraine thought they were going to win, you’re going to beat someone that’s 15 times your size ... you don’t go into a war that’s 15 times your size. ** [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-repeats-favourite-kremlin-talking-113114361.html "Trump Repeats His Favourite Kremlin Talking Point In Latest Anti-Ukraine Outburst"] ''Yahoo / Huffington Post'' (August 27, 2025) *Today a Highly Partisan Appeals Court incorrectly said that our Tariffs should be removed, but they know the United States of America will win in the end. If these Tariffs ever went away, it would be a total disaster for the Country. It would make us financially weak, and we have to be strong…. For many years, Tariffs were allowed to be used against us by our uncaring and unwise Politicians. Now, with the help of the United States Supreme Court, we will use them to the benefit of our Nation, and Make America Rich, Strong, and Powerful Again! **[https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/08/29/most-trump-tariffs-are-not-legal-us-appeals-court-rules/85895611007/ Most Trump tariffs are illegal, appeals court rules, setting up Supreme Court showdown] ''USA Today'' (August 29, 2025) ==== September 2025 ==== *NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE **In response to questions about his health (bruised hands, swollen ankles, crooked gait) and lack of recent public appearances [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-health-rumors-response-truth-social-b2817486.html Trump claps back after weekend of speculation about his health: ‘Never felt better in my life’] ''The Independent'' (September 1, 2025)[https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/international/global-trends/why-is-trump-struggling-to-walk-in-a-straight-line-new-questions-erupt-over-us-presidents-health-after-summit-with-putin/articleshow/123331093.cms] *The problem I have with Colorado, one of the big problems, is they do mail-in voting. They went to all mail-in voting, so they have automatically crooked elections and we can’t have that. When a state is for mail-in voting that means they want dishonest elections because that’s what that means. **One of the reasons given for moving U.S. Space Command headquarters from Colorado to Alabama [https://www.msn.com/en-nz/news/other/trump-ends-turf-war-and-will-move-space-command-hq-to-alabama-from-colorado/ar-AA1LJwJY Trump ends turf war and will move Space Command HQ to Alabama from Colorado] ''MSN'' (September 2, 2025) * I used, at the White House, the most beautiful marble and stone available anywhere. Surfaces are very important to me as a Builder. As everyone knows, I built many GREAT Buildings, and other things, over the years. At the White House, I am very proud of the beautiful stonework we did in the Rose Garden, in this case, using limestone plus. The Rose Garden is completed, and far more beautiful than anyone ever had in mind when it was conceived of decades ago. Three days ago, while admiring the stonework, I happened to notice a huge gash in the limestone that extended more than 25 yards long. It was deep and nasty! I started yelling, “Who did this, and I want to find out now!” — And I didn’t say this in a nice manner. I wondered, “Was it vandalism or, was it stupidity?” Lo and behold, because of the fact that we’ve installed the finest security equipment anywhere, they brought back the stupid people, with their boss watching (in sunglasses!). It was a subcontractor that was installing heavy landscaping on a steel cart that was broken and tilting badly, with it rubbing hard against the soft, beautiful stone. I love and respect great workers and contractors but something like this should never happen. Now, I’ll replace the stone, charge the contractor, and never let that contractor work at the White House again — But, how great is the video equipment? We caught them, cold. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! ** [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/a65961231/trump-rose-garden-truth-social/ "Trump Caught Whoever Scraped Up the Renovated White House Rose Garden"] ''Esquire'' (September 2, 2025) *I want to try and get to Heaven **From a campaign fundraising email asking supporters to contribute $15 during a 24-hour fundraising blitz [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-heaven-donations-2123679 Donald Trump Asks For $15 Donations to 'Get to Heaven'] ''Newsweek'' (September 3, 2025) * Without the United States, everything in the world would die. * We get along with India very well. ** [https://www.businesstoday.in/world/us/story/without-us-everything-in-world-would-die-trump-defends-his-tariffs-as-war-settler-492175-2025-09-03 "'Without US, everything in world would die': Trump defends his tariffs as 'war settler'"] ''Business Today'' (September 3, 2025) * Looks like we've lost India and Russia to deepest, darkest China. May they have a long and prosperous future together! ** [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/weve-lost-india-russia-to-deepest-darkest-china-donald-trumps-latest-9222384 ""We've Lost India, Russia To Deepest, Darkest China": Donald Trump's Latest"] ''NDTV'' (September 5, 2025) * At least 54 people were shot in Chicago over the weekend, 8 people were killed. The last two weekends were similar. <b>Chicago is the worst and most dangerous city in the World, by far</b>. Pritzker needs help badly, he just doesn’t know it yet. I will solve the crime problem fast. * ‘I love the smell of deportations in the morning...’ <b>Chicago about to find out why it’s called the Department of WAR.</b> ** [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/donald-trump-threatens-chicago-deportations-department-war-crackdown-rcna229544 "'Chipocalypse Now': Trump threatens Chicago with deportations and Department of War ahead of potential crackdown"] ''NBC News'' (September 6, 2025)</ref> * Our great West Point (getting greater all the time!) has smartly cancelled the Award Ceremony for actor Tom Hanks. Important move! We don’t need destructive, WOKE recipients getting our cherished American Awards!!! ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/sep/08/trump-tom-hanks-woke "Trump attacks Tom Hanks after West Point cancels event honoring actor"] ''The Guardian'' (September 8, 2025) * Look, you have some vaccines that are so amazing, the polio vaccine I happen to think is amazing. A lot of people think that Covid is amazing. You know there are many people that believe strongly in that. But you have some vaccines that are so incredible, and I think you have to be very careful when you say that some people don't have to be vaccinated. It's a very, you know, it's a very tough position, so I'll give you an answer. I'll give you the feeling, but just initially I heard about it yesterday and it's a tough stance. Look, you have vaccines that work. They just pure and simple work. They're not controversial at all, and I think those vaccine should be used. Otherwise some people are going to catch it and they endanger other people, and when you don’t have controversy at all, I think people should take it. ** Responding to the proposed removal of vaccination mandates in Florida. "[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/sep/14/florida-vaccine-joseph-ladapo-trump Florida vaccine mandate rollback falters after Trump criticism]", ''The Guardian'' (September 8, 2025) *Things that take place in the home, they call crime. They’ll do anything they can to find something. <b>If a man has a little fight with the wife, they say this was a crime scene.</b> **Expressing frustration that domestic violence incidents are counted as part of city-wide crime totals, thus raising the number of verified crimes in Washington DC [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-domestic-violence-crime-statistics-b2822877.html ‘A little fight with the wife’: Trump suggests domestic violence should not be counted in official crime statistics] ''Independent'' (September 9, 2025) *It’s long past time for all Americans and the media to confront the fact that violence and murder are the tragic consequence of demonizing those with whom you disagree day after day, year after year, in the most hateful and despicable way possible.  **[https://time.com/7316299/charlie-kirk-shot-death-donald-trump-speech-transcript-political-violence/ ‘A Dark Moment for America’: Trump Responds to Charlie Kirk’s Death] ''Time'' (September 10, 2025) *I tell you something that is going to get me in trouble, but I couldn’t care less. The radicals on the right are radical because they don’t want to see crime … The radicals on the left are the problem – and they are vicious and horrible and politically savvy. They want men in women’s sports, they want transgender for everyone, they want open borders. The worst thing that happened to this country. **In response to Ainsley Earhardt’s questions, “How do we fix this country? How do we come back together?” following the shooting death of Charlie Kirk [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/sep/12/trump-fox-friends-charlie-kirk-shooting Trump declines to call for unity after Charlie Kirk killing in stunning move] ''The Guardian'' (September 12, 2025) *I have read someplace that the networks were 97% against me, again, 97% negative, and yet I won and easily, all seven swing states. ... They give me only bad publicity, press. I mean, they’re getting a license. I would think maybe their license should be taken away….<br>When you have a network and you have evening shows, and all they do is hit Trump. That’s all they do. If you go back, I guess they haven’t had a conservative on in years or something somebody said. But when you go back, take a look, all they do is hit Trump. They’re licensed. They’re not allowed to do that. They’re an arm of the Democrat Party. **Speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/not-allowed-trump-makes-ridiculous-new-claims-media-critics-free-press-rcna232231 ‘Not allowed’: Trump makes ridiculous new claims about media critics and the free press] MSNBC (September 18, 2025) *He was a missionary with a noble spirit and a great, great purpose. He did not hate his opponents. He wanted the best for them. That’s where I disagreed with Charlie. I <i>hate</i> my opponent, and I don’t want the best for them. I’m sorry. **Speaking at Charlie Kirk memorial service [https://time.com/7319196/charlie-kirk-funeral-trump-watch/ Trump Says Kirk ‘Did Not Hate His Opponents … That’s Where I Disagreed With Charlie’ at Funeral for Conservative Activist] ''Time'' (September 21, 2025) *Acetaminophen. Is that okay? Which is basically, commonly known as Tylenol. Can be associated with a very increased risk of autism. So taking Tylenol is not good. I’ll say it, it’s not good. * '''Nothing bad can happen. It can only good happen.''' But with Tylenol, don't take it. Don't take it. And if you can't live, if your fever is so bad, you have to take one because there's no alternative to that. Sadly. First question, "What can you take instead?" It's actually, there's not an alternative to that. And as you know, other of the medicines are absolutely proven bad. I mean, they've been proven bad with the aspirins and the Advils and others, right? And they've been proven bad. **At a press conference along with members of his administration [[Robert Francis Kennedy, Jr.]] and [[Mehmet Oz]], [https://singjupost.com/transcript-trump-rfk-jr-and-dr-oz-on-autism-rates-and-tylenol/ Transcript: Trump, RFK Jr. and Dr. Oz on Autism Rates and Tylenol] ''The Singju Post'' (September 22, 2025) *I ended seven wars, dealt with the leaders of each and every one of these countries, and never even received a phone call from the United Nations offering to help in finalizing the deal. All I got from the United Nations was an escalator that on the way up stopped right in the middle. If the First Lady wasn't in great shape, she would've fallen. But she's in great shape. We're both in good shape, we both stood. And then a teleprompter that didn't work. These are the two things I got from the United Nations, a bad escalator and a bad teleprompter. Thank you very much....</br>According to the Council of Europe, in 2024, almost 50% of inmates in German prisons were foreign nationals or migrants. In Austria, the number was 53% of the people in prisons were from places that weren't from where they are now. In Greece, the number was 54%. And in Switzerland, beautiful Switzerland, 72% of the people in prisons are from outside of Switzerland. When your prisons are filled with so-called asylum seekers who repaid kindness, and that's what they did, they repaid kindness with crime, it's time to end the failed experiment of open borders. You have to end it now. I see it, I can tell you. I'm really good at this stuff. Your countries are going to hell. In America, we've taken bold action to swiftly shut down uncontrolled migration. Once we started detaining and deporting everyone who crossed the border and removing illegal aliens from the United States, they simply stopped coming. They're not coming anymore. **[https://www.rev.com/transcripts/trump-speaks-at-un Speech to the United Nations] (September 23, 2025) * I can’t believe ABC Fake News gave Jimmy Kimmel his job back. The White House was told by ABC that his Show was cancelled! Something happened between then and now because his audience is GONE, and his “talent” was never there. Why would they want someone back who does so poorly, who’s not funny, and who puts the Network in jeopardy by playing 99% positive Democrat GARBAGE. He is yet another arm of the DNC and, to the best of my knowledge, that would be a major Illegal Campaign Contribution. I think we’re going to test ABC out on this. Let’s see how we do. Last time I went after them, they gave me $16 Million Dollars. This one sounds even more lucrative. A true bunch of losers! Let Jimmy Kimmel rot in his bad Ratings. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2025/sep/24/jimmy-kimmel-says-trump-tried-his-best-to-cancel-him-as-his-show-returns-to-air-after-suspension "Jimmy Kimmel says silencing comedians is ‘anti American’, as his show returns to air after suspension"] ''The Guardian'' (September 24, 2025) * I’m going to be meeting with generals and with admirals and with leaders, and if I don’t like somebody, I’m going to fire them right on the spot. * I never walked into a room so silent before. If you want to applaud, you applaud. You can do anything you want. If you don’t like what I’m saying, you can leave the room. But there goes your rank and there goes your future. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-threatens-to-fire-generals-meeting_n_68dbf67fe4b003b6c8dc2d76 "Trump Threatens To Fire Military Leaders ‘On The Spot’ If They Cross Him"] ''Huffignton Post'' (September 30, 2025) *I hope I never have to use the nuclear arsenal. **Spero di non dover mai usare l'arsenale nucleare. ***''[https://www.ansa.it/sito/notizie/mondo/nordamerica/2025/09/30/trump-spero-di-non-dover-mai-usare-larsenale-nucleare_aa475fa6-b9a4-4b3f-baa7-993c4e608307.html Trump, spero di non dover mai usare l'arsenale nucleare]'', ''[[w:ANSA|ANSA]].it'', 30 September 2025 (in Italian) ==== October 2025 ==== [[File:2026-06-08 Ballroom construction and UFC arena White House Washington DC 13-23-11.jpg|thumb|We're going to have [[w:UFC Freedom 250|a UFC fight]] — [[think]] of this — on the grounds of the [[White House]]. We have a lot of land there.]] * Does anybody watch [[w:UFC|UFC]]? The great [[Dana White]]? We're going to have a [[fight]]. We're going to have [[w:UFC Freedom 250|a UFC fight]] — [[think]] of this — on the grounds of the [[White House]]. We have a lot of land there. ** As quoted in [https://people.com/trump-schedules-white-house-ufc-fight-for-80th-birthday-after-sharing-plans-for-stage-11825299 "Trump Schedules White House UFC Fight for His 80th Birthday After Sharing Plans for the Dramatic Stage" by Desiree Anello, ''People'' magazine (6 October 2025)] * I am very proud to announce that [[Israel]] and [[Hamas]] have both signed off on the first Phase of our Peace Plan. This means that ALL of the Hostages will be released very soon, and Israel will withdraw their Troops to an agreed upon line as the first steps toward a Strong, Durable, and Everlasting [[Peace]]. All Parties will be treated fairly!<br /> This is a GREAT Day for the [[Arab]] and [[Muslim]] World, [[Israel]], all surrounding [[Nations]], and the [[United States of America]], and we thank the mediators from [[Qatar]], [[Egypt]], and [[Turkey]], who worked with us to make this [[Historic]] and Unprecedented Event happen. [[Blessings|BLESSED]] ARE THE PEACEMAKERS! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/115340993884364431 Post on Truth Social (8 October 2025)] · also the [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/statement-israel-and-hamas-accepting-peace-plan The American Presidency Project] *After so many years of unceasing war and endless danger, today the skies are calm, the guns are silent, the sirens are still, and the sun rises on a Holy Land that is finally at peace, a land and a region that will live, God willing, in peace for all eternity. **[https://abcnews.go.com/US/trump-declares-end-israel-hamas-war-experts-hard/story?id=126482789 Trump declares end of Israel-Hamas war, but experts see the hard work as just beginning] ''ABC News'' (October 14, 2025) *Over the next few days, it's going to be demolished. Everything out there is coming down, and we're replacing it with one of the most beautiful ballrooms that you've ever seen. **Regarding the demolition of the [[w:East Wing|East Wing]] of the White House, speaking to donors for the construction of a new ballroom [https://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/article312585121.html Trump’s East Wing destruction echoes his tactics at Mar-a-Lago and Trump Tower] ''Miami Herald'' (October 21, 2025) *"You're the third best President in the United…" This was on television. "Third best." And they said, "Who are the first two? George Washington and Abraham Lincoln." And I got extremely angry at this man. You know? It is going to be tough to beat, Mr. Senator... It's going to be very tough to beat Washington and Lincoln, but we're going to give it a try, right? **Reacting to what a television commentator had said, [https://www.irishstar.com/news/us-news/donald-trump-health-delusion-fears-36114247 Trump's latest rant fuels more health fears as he shows repeated delusion] ''Irish Times'' (October 22, 2025) ==== November 2025 ==== *Why does NBC waste its time and money on a guy like this??? – NO TALENT, NO RATINGS, 100% ANTI TRUMP, WHICH IS PROBABLY ILLEGAL!!! **Referring to [[Seth Meyers]] in a Truth Social post [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/tv/articles/trump-79-claims-illegal-night-003833952.html Trump, 79, Claims It’s ‘Illegal’ for Late-Night Host to Mock Him] Yahoo! News (November 1, 2025) *SNAP BENEFITS, which increased by Billions and Billions of Dollars (MANY FOLD!) during Crooked Joe Biden's disastrous term in office, will be given only when the Radical Left Democrats open up government. **[https://www.axios.com/2025/11/04/trump-snap-after-shutdown-ends?utm_source=chatgpt.com Trump says SNAP will only get paid after shutdown, defying multiple court orders] ''Axios'' (November 4, 2025) *And you know, one other thing, our country has to remain very liquid because problems, catastrophes, wars, could be anything. We have to remain liquid.<br>We can’t give everything away based on a number.<br>Here’s an example. When I was president, the number that you’re talking about was a tiny fraction of what it is now. Biden went totally crazy, gave it to anybody that would ask, gave it to people that were able-bodied, had no problem.<br>Anybody who would ask would get the number. And it’s many times the number of people around.<br>This wasn’t meant for that. It was meant for people that had real problems, in many cases people that were down and out, people that could be saved.<br>It wasn’t for people who could do whatever they want, the people that say, Well, I don’t think I’ll work. I’ll just, you know, collect this money. **When asked by a reporter what his message was to folks who are missing SNAP benefits [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/trump-goes-rant-staying-very-134934000.html Trump Goes on Rant About Staying ‘Very Liquid’ When Fox Reporter Confronts Him Over Judge’s SNAP-Food Stamps Order] Yahoo! News (November 7, 2025) *They said, ‘Oh, I don’t want to talk about affordability. The reason I don’t want to talk about affordability is because everybody knows that it’s far less expensive under Trump than it was under Sleepy Joe Biden, and the prices are way down. **[https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/cnn-host-skewers-trump-over-235330797.html CNN Host Skewers Trump Over Latest Food Price Claims: 'The Numbers Don't Lie'] ''Yahoo News'' (November 8, 2025) *I don’t know that they are saying that. I think polls are fake. We have the greatest economy we’ve ever had. **When asked by Fox News host [[Laura Ingraham]] "Why are people saying they’re anxious about the economy?" [https://www.mediaite.com/media/tv/foxs-laura-ingraham-confronts-trump-on-50-year-mortgage-plan-is-that-really-a-good-idea/ Fox’s Laura Ingraham Confronts Trump on 50-Year Mortgage Plan: ‘Is That Really a Good Idea?’] ''Mediaite'' (November 10, 2025) *Epstein was a Democrat, and he is the Democrat’s problem, not the Republican’s problem! Ask Bill Clinton, Reid Hoffman, and Larry Summers about Epstein, they know all about him, don’t waste your time with Trump. I have a Country to run! **[https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-says-he-will-ask-justice-department-probe-epstein-ties-with-bill-clinton-2025-11-14/ Trump asks Justice Department to probe Epstein ties with Bill Clinton, other Democrats] ''Reuters'' (November 14, 2025)[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/115548539359870302] * I had an MRI. The doctor said it was the best result he has ever seen as a doctor. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-mri-walter-reed-doctor-b2865809.html "Trump claims his recent MRI was part of regular checkup: ‘The doctor said it was the best result he’s ever seen as a doctor’"] ''Independent'' (November 15, 2025) * Marjorie 'Traitor' Green [sic] is a disgrace to our GREAT REPUBLICAN PARTY! * All I see "Wacky" Marjorie do is COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN! * She has told many people that she is upset that I don't return her phone calls anymore. I can't take a ranting Lunatic's call every day. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c9wv4dx05q5o "Feud erupts between Trump and ally Marjorie Taylor Greene ahead of Epstein files vote"], ''BBC'' (November 16, 2025) *I don’t think her life is in danger. I don’t think, frankly, I don’t think anybody cares about her. **Responding to a reporter about [[Marjorie Taylor Greene]]’s claim that his comments are putting her life in danger [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/rep-marjorie-taylor-greene-blasts-trump-vicious-unwarranted-attacks-re-rcna244351 Marjorie Taylor Greene blasts Trump for 'vicious' attacks after saying her company received a pipe bomb threat] ''NBC News'' (November 17, 2025) * Quiet, piggy. ** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/testy-trump-lashes-out-at-female-reporter-asking-about-epstein-quiet-piggy/ "Trump Lashes Out at Female Reporter Asking About Epstein: ‘Quiet, Piggy!’"] ''The Daily Beast'' (November 18, 2025) *It’s called SEDITIOUS BEHAVIOR AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL. Each one of these traitors to our Country should be ARRESTED AND PUT ON TRIAL. Their words cannot be allowed to stand – We won’t have a Country anymore!!! An example MUST BE SET. President DJT *This is really bad, and Dangerous to our Country. Their words cannot be allowed to stand. SEDITIOUS BEHAVIOR FROM TRAITORS!!! LOCK THEM UP??? President DJT *SEDITIOUS BEHAVIOR, punishable by DEATH! **Series of Truth Social posts suggesting Senators Elissa Slotkin and Mark Kelly, as well as Representatives Jason Crow, Chris Deluzio, Chrissy Houlahan, and Maggie Goodlander be arrested and put to death for a video they made urging military members to “refuse illegal orders” issued “against American citizens” [https://www.mediaite.com/media/news/an-example-must-be-set-trump-calls-for-democrats-who-urged-soldiers-to-disobey-illegal-orders-to-be-arrested-and-put-on-trial/ ‘Punishable by DEATH’: Trump Floats Execution for Democrats Who Urged Soldiers to Disobey Illegal Orders] ''Mediate'' (November 20, 2025) *'''Reporter:''' [The Afghan refugee] was vetted and the vetting came up clean.<br>'''Donald Trump:''' He went cuckoo. I mean, he went nuts, and that happens too. It happens too often with these people….There was no vetting or anything, they came in unvetted…<br>'''Reporter:''' Actually, your DOJ IG just reported this year that there was thorough vetting by DHS and by the FBI of these Afghans who were brought into the U.S. So why do you blame the Biden administration?<br>'''Trump:''' Because they let ’em in. Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person? Because they came into on a plane along with thousands of other people that shouldn’t be here, and you’re just asking questions because you’re a stupid person. **Responding to a female reporter regarding the Afghan refugee, vetted by the Trump DOJ, who shot two national guardsmen in Washington DC on Thanksgiving Day [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-stupid-attack_n_6928ebbfe4b0237ded13a17a Trump Rips Into Another Female Reporter With Incredibly 'Stupid' Personal Attack] ''Huffington Post'' (November 27, 2025) ===== Press conference with Zohran Mamdani (21 November 2025) ===== [[File:President Trump Meets with Zohran Mamdani, Mayor-Elect, New York City (11212025).webm|222px|right]] * We have one thing in common. We want this city of ours that we love to do very well, and I wanted to congratulate the mayor. He really ran an incredible race against, you know, a lot of smart people, starting with the early primaries against some very tough people, very smart people, and he beat them and he beat them easily, and I congratulated him. … I think you're going to have hopefully a really great mayor. The better he does, the happier I am. I will say there's no difference in party. There's no difference in anything, and we're going to be helping him. To make everybody's dream come true, having a strong and very safe New York, and congratulations, [[Zohran Mamdani|Mr. Mayor]]. * I can tell you some of my views have [[changed]] and we had discussions on some things. I'm not going to discuss what they were, but that I feel very [[confident]] that he can do a very good job. I think I think he's going to be — I think he is going to [[surprise]] some [[conservative]] [[people]] actually — and some very [[liberal]] people — he won't surprise them because they already like him. ==== December 2025 ==== *If [drug producers] come through a certain country, or any country, or if we think they're building mills for, whether it's fentanyl or cocaine. I hear the country of Colombia is making cocaine, they have cocaine manufacturing plants... Anybody that's doing that and selling it into our country is subject to attack… Not just Venezuela. **Indicates military strikes are possible in other countries if they are suspected of producing or transporting drugs [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-colombia-drugs-military-strikes-venezuela-11144611 Donald Trump Threatens Expanding Military Strikes to More Countries] ''Newsweek'' (December 2, 2025) *Any and all Documents, Proclamations, Executive Orders, Memorandums, or Contracts, signed by Order of the now infamous and unauthorized 'AUTOPEN,' within the Administration of Joseph R. Biden Jr., are hereby null, void, and of no further force or effect. Anyone receiving 'Pardons,' 'Commutations,' or any other Legal Document so signed, please be advised that said Document has been fully and completely terminated, and is of no Legal effect. **[https://www.newsweek.com/trump-says-biden-autopen-pardons-invalid-11145591 Trump Says All Pardons, Commutations Signed by Biden Autopen ‘Terminated’] ''Newsweek'' (December 2, 2025) *The word affordability is a con job by the Democrats. The word affordability is a Democrat scam. **Responding to Democrats' complaints about inflation at today's Cabinet meeting [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/12/02/trump-cabinet-meeting-venezuela-live-updates/87566205007/ 'Affordability is a con job by the Democrats,' Trump says] ''USA Today'' (December 2, 2025) *<b>ABC News Reporter Selina Wang:</b> Mr. President, you released video of that first boat strike on September 2nd, but not the second video. Will you release video [of the September 2 US military strikes against a suspected drug-smuggling boat in the Caribbean] so that the American people can see for themselves what happened?<br><b>Donald Trump:</b> I don’t know what they have, but whatever they have we’d certainly release, no problem. **[https://www.cnn.com/2025/12/08/politics/fact-check-trump-september-strike-video Fact check: Trump denies saying something he said on camera five days ago] ''CNN'' (December 3, 2025) * You'll never see me sleeping in front of a camera. ** [https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/2142156/sleepy-donald-trump-humiliated "'Sleepy' Donald Trump humiliated with own words in resurfaced TV appearance"] ''Express'' (December 4, 2025) *<b>ABC News Reporter Rachel Scott:</b> Mr. President, you said you would have no problem with releasing the full video of that strike on September 2nd off the coast of Venezuela. Secretary Hegseth now says –<br><b>Donald Trump:</b> I didn’t say that. That’s – you said that, I didn’t say that. This is ABC fake news.<br><b>Scott:</b> You said that you would have no problem releasing the full vi(deo)….<br><b>Trump:</b> Whatever Hegseth wants to do is OK with me.<br><b>Scott:</b> He now says it’s under review. Are you ordering the secretary to release that full video?<br><b>Trump:</b> Whatever he decides is OK with me. So every boat we knock out of the water, every boat, we save 25,000 American lives. That was a boat loaded up with drugs....<br><b>Scott:</b> Are you committed to releasing the full video?<br><b>Trump:</b> Didn’t I just tell you that?<br><b>Scott:</b> You said it was up to Secretary Hegseth.<br><b>Trump:</b> You are the most obnoxious reporter in the whole place. Let me just tell you, you are an obnoxious—actually, a terrible reporter, and it’s always the same with you. **[https://www.cnn.com/2025/12/08/politics/fact-check-trump-september-strike-video Fact check: Trump denies saying something he said on camera five days ago] ''CNN'' (December 8, 2025)[https://newrepublic.com/post/204152/donald-trump-pulls-180-releasing-boat-strike-video] * The word 'affordability' is a con job by the Democrats. The word 'affordability' is a Democrat scam. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2025/12/14/trump-economy-inflation-affordability-hoax/87725036007/ "Stop criticizing Trump's bad economy. You're making him sad."] Opinion by Rex Hupke, in ''USA Today'' (December 14, 2025) *A very sad thing happened last night in Hollywood. Rob Reiner, a tortured and struggling, but once very talented movie director and comedy star, has passed away, together with his wife, Michele, reportedly due to the anger he caused others through his massive, unyielding, and incurable affliction with a mind crippling disease known as TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME, sometimes referred to as TDS. He was known to have driven people CRAZY by his raging obsession of President Donald J. Trump, with his obvious paranoia reaching new heights as the Trump Administration surpassed all goals and expectations of greatness, and with the Golden Age of America upon us, perhaps like never before. May Rob and Michele rest in peace! **Truth Social post one day after [[Wikipedia:Rob Reiner|Rob Reiner]] and his wife, Michele, were found dead in their Los Angeles home due to an apparent homicide [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-disparages-rob-reiner-political-views-murder/# Trump disparages Rob Reiner's political views a day after his murder] ''CBS News'' (December 15, 2025) * I was never on Epstein's Plane. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c74xgp81pqgo "Trump travelled on Epstein's plane more than previously thought, newly released prosecutor's email says"] ''BBC'' (December 23, 2025) * Merry Christmas to all, including the Radical Left Scum that is doing everything possible to destroy our Country, but are failing badly. ** [https://www.trtworld.com/article/08dba4da974b "Trump calls Democrats 'radical left scum' in Christmas Eve message] ''TRT World'' (December 25, 2025) * Merry Christmas to all, including the many Sleazebags who loved Jeffrey Epstein, gave him bundles of money, went to his Island, attended his parties, and thought he was the greatest guy on earth, only to ‘drop him like a dog’ when things got too HOT, falsely claimed they had nothing to do with him, didn’t know him, said he was a disgusting person, and then blame, of course, President Donald J. Trump, who was actually the only one who did drop Epstein, and long before it became fashionable to do so. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/sleazebags-trump-wishes-merry-christmas-012444246.html "'Sleazebags': Trump Wishes A Merry Christmas To ... Epstein Island Visitors?!?"] ''Huffington Post / Yahoo News'' (December 26, 2025) * My friends will get hurt. ** [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-yelled-friends-hurt-marjorie-181823942.html Trump Yelled 'My Friends Will Get Hurt' at Marjorie Taylor Greene for Threatening to Name Epstein Abusers, She Claims] (December 29, 2025) ===== Address to the Nation (17 December 2025) ===== *Eleven months ago, I inherited a mess, and I’m fixing it. When I took office, inflation was the worst in 48 years, and some would say in the history of our country, which caused prices to be higher than ever before, making life unaffordable for millions and millions of Americans. This happened during a Democrat administration, and it’s when we first began hearing the word affordability. *Over the past 11 months, we have brought more positive change to Washington than any administration in American history. *For the last four years, the United States was ruled by politicians who fought only for insiders, illegal aliens, career criminals, corporate lobbyists, prisoners, terrorists and, above all, foreign nations, which took advantage of us at levels never seen before. They flooded your cities and towns with illegal aliens. They decimated your hard-earned savings. They indoctrinated your children with hate for America, released, really, I mean, they just released a level of violent felons that we had never seen to prey on innocent. They caused war. They caused mayhem. They caused a horrible situation all over the globe. *Here at home, we are bringing our economy back from the brink of ruin. The last administration and their allies in Congress looted our Treasury for trillions of dollars, driving up prices and everything at levels never seen before. I am bringing those high prices down and bringing them down very fast. *Democrat politicians also sent the cost of groceries soaring, but we are solving that, too. The price of a Thanksgiving turkey was down 33 percent compared to the Biden last year. The price of eggs is down 82 percent since March, and everything else is falling rapidly. And it’s not done yet, but boy, are we making progress. Nobody can believe what’s going on. *Already, I’ve secured a record-breaking $18 trillion of investment into the United States, which means jobs, wage increases, growth, factory openings and far greater national security. Much of this success has been accomplished by tariffs, my favorite word, tariffs, which for many decades have been used successfully by other countries against us, but not anymore. *One year ago, our country was dead. We were absolutely dead. Our country was ready to fail. Totally fail. Now we’re the hottest country anywhere in the world. And that’s said by every single leader that I’ve spoken to over the last five months. *I negotiated directly with the drug companies and foreign nations, which were taken advantage of our country for many decades to slash prices on drugs and pharmaceuticals by as much as 400, 500 and even 600 percent. *The current unaffordable care act was created to make insurance companies rich. It was bad health care at much too high a cost, and you see that now in the steep increase in premiums being demanded by the Democrats. And they are demanding those increases and it’s their fault. It is not the Republicans’ fault. It’s the Democrats’ fault. It’s the unaffordable care act, and everybody knew it.<br>Again, I want the money to go directly to the people so you can buy your own health care. You’ll get much better health care at a much lower price. The only losers will be insurance companies that have gotten rich, and the Democrat Party, which is totally controlled by those same insurance companies. They will not be happy, but that’s OK with me because you, the people, are finally going to be getting great health care at a lower cost. *On Day 1, I declared a national energy emergency. Gasoline is now under $2.50 a gallon, and in much of the country, in some states, it, by the way, just hit $1.99 a gallon. *Tonight, after 11 months, our border is secure, inflation has stopped, wages are up, prices are down, our nation is strong, America is respected, and our country is back, stronger than ever before. We’re poised for an economic boom the likes of which the world has never seen. Soon we will host the World Cup and the Olympics, both of which I got. But most importantly, we will celebrate the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.<br>There could be no more fitting tribute to this epic milestone than to complete the comeback of America that began just one year ago. When the world looks at us next year, let them see a nation that is loyal to its citizens, faithful to its workers, confident to its identity, certain to its destiny and the envy of the entire globe. We are respected again, like we have never been respected before. **[https://www.nytimes.com/2025/12/17/us/politics/trump-speech-transcript-economy.html Full Transcript of President Trump’s Speech on the Economy] ''The New York Times'' (December 17, 2025) ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/12/17/politics/fact-check-trump-prime-time-address "Fact check: Trump repeats numerous false claims in prime-time address"] ''CNN'' (December 18, 2025) ===2026=== ====January 2026==== *Peace. Peace on Earth. **When asked what his New Year's resolution was [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/president-donald-trump-shares-his-new-years-resolution.print President Donald Trump shares his New Year's resolution] ''Fox News'' (January 1, 2026) *Somalians ripped off that state for billions of dollars, billions every year, billions of dollars. And they contribute nothing. The welfare is like 88 percent. They contribute nothing. I don’t want them in our country. I’ll be honest with you, okay? Somebody said, ‘Oh, that’s not politically correct.’ I don’t care. I don’t want them in our country. Their country’s no good for a reason. Their country stinks, and we don’t want them in our country. **[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2025/12/02/somalis-minnesota-trump-walz-immigration-enforcement/ Trump rails against Somali migrants], ''Washington Post'' (January 4, 2026) *Yeah, there is one thing. My own morality. My own mind. It’s the only thing that can stop me. I don’t need international law. I’m not looking to hurt people. **When asked if there were any limits on his global powers [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/01/08/us/politics/trump-interview-power-morality.html?unlocked_article_code=1.C1A.ZfEI.Unv_CN3B-FBv&smid=url- Trump Lays Out a Vision of Power Restrained Only by ‘My Own Morality’] ''The New York Times'' (January 8, 2026) *I’m not talking about money for [[Greenland]], yet.<br>I might talk about that, but right now we are going to do something on Greenland, whether they like it or not. Because if we don’t do it, Russia or China will take over Greenland, and we’re not going to have Russia or China as a neighbor.<br>…The fact that [Denmark] had a boat land there 500 years ago doesn’t mean that they own the land. [I’m] sure we had lots of boats go there also.<br>So we’re going to be doing something with Greenland, either the nice way or the more difficult [way]. **[https://www.cnbc.com/2026/01/09/trump-greenland-military-denmark-nato.html Trump: ‘We are going to do something on Greenland whether they like it or not’] ''CNBC'' (January 9, 2026) * You got to win the midterms because if we don't win the midterms, it's just going to be — I mean, they'll find a reason to impeach me. <b>I'll get impeached.</b> * They say that when you win the presidency, you lose the midterm. So, you're all brilliant people. Most of you are in this business longer than me. That makes me smarter than you, because look where I am right? No, it doesn't. But I wish you could, explain to me what the hell's going on with the mind of the public. Because we have a — we have the right policy. They don't. They have a horrible policy. They do stick together. * They had the worst president, did the worst job. They had the worst policy. We have to even run against these people. Now, I won't say cancel the election, <b>they should cancel the election</b>, because the fake news will say, 'He wants the elections canceled. He's a dictator.' They always call me a dictator. ** [https://eu.delawareonline.com/story/news/2026/01/15/trump-impeachment-update-2026-is-trump-getting-impeached-midterm-elections-cancelled-predictions/88195759007/ "Is Trump getting impeached in 2026? Here's what he said about cancelling midterms"] ''Delaware Online / USA TODAY NETWORK'' (January 15, 2026) * Dear Jonas: Considering your Country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped 8 Wars PLUS, <b>I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of Peace</b>, although it will always be predominant, but can now think about what is good and proper for the United States of America. Denmark cannot protect that land from Russia or China, and why do they have a “right of ownership” anyway? There are no written documents, it’s only a boat that landed there hundreds of years ago, but we had boats landing there, also. <b>I have done more for NATO than any person since its founding</b>, and <b>now, NATO should do something for the United States. The World is not secure unless we have Complete and Total Control of Greenland.</b> Thank you! President DJT ** Message to Norwegian prime minister [[w:Jonas Gahr Støre|Jonas Gahr Støre]], as cited in [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/2026/01/trump-letter-to-norway/685676/ "Trump’s Letter to Norway Should Be the Last Straw - Will Republicans in Congress ever step in?"] ''The Atlantic'' (January 19, 2026) * I don't care about the Nobel Prize. * I think I have saved tens of millions of lives. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2026/01/20/us/video/trump-dont-care-about-the-nobel-prize-digvid-vrtc "Trump: I don't care about the Nobel prize"] ''CNN'' (January 20, 2026) ===== Remarks on U.S. military operations in Venezuela (3 January 2026) ===== * Late last night and early today at my direction the United States armed forces conducted [[w:2026 United States strikes in Venezuela|an extraordinary military operation]] in the capital of [[Venezuela]]. * The lights of Caracas were largely turned off due to a certain expertise that we have. It was dark and it was deadly. But captured along with his wife, [[w:Cilia Flores|Cilia Flores]], both of whom now face American justice. * '''We are going to run the country until such time as we can do a safe, proper and judicious transition.''' * Under our new national security strategy, American dominance in the western hemisphere will never be questioned again. *'''We're going to be taking out a tremendous amount of wealth out of the ground''', and that wealth is going to the people of Venezuela and people from outside of Venezuela that used to be in Venezuela, and it goes also to the United States of America in the form of reimbursement for the damages caused by that country. **Response to a question from the press following his remarks on operations in Venezuela [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trumps-vow-run-venezuela-sell-oil-part-plan/story?id=128873221 Trump's vow to 'run' Venezuela, sell oil, part of plan to dominate Western Hemisphere] ''ABC News'' (January 3, 2026) ==== February 2026==== [[File:Kennedy Center (46399777861).jpg|thumb| The [[w:Kennedy Center|Trump Kennedy Center]] will close on [[Independence Day (United States)|July 4th]], 2026, in [[honor]] of the 250th Anniversary of [[United States|our Country]], whereupon we will simultaneously begin Construction of the new and spectacular Entertainment Complex.]] * I have determined that the fastest way to bring [[w:Kennedy Center|The Trump Kennedy Center]] to the highest level of Success, Beauty, and Grandeur, is to cease Entertainment Operations for an approximately two year period of time, with a scheduled Grand Reopening that will rival and surpass anything that has taken place with respect to such a Facility before. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/115997939705121174 Announcement of closure] of the [[w:Kennedy Center|John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts]] (1 February 2026), referred to by Trump as "The Trump Kennedy Center" without authorization of such a renaming by the US Congress. * The Grammy Awards are the WORST, virtually unwatchable! Noah said, INCORRECTLY about me, that Donald Trump and Bill Clinton spent time on Epstein Island. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2026/02/02/politics/trevor-noah-trump-grammys-epstein "Trump slams Grammys and threatens to sue host Trevor Noah after Epstein joke"] ''CNN'' (February 2, 2026) * I don't want to drive housing prices down, I want to drive housing prices up for people that own their homes and they can be assured that's what's going to happen. ** [https://finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-wants-drive-us-house-103900744.html "Trump wants to drive US house prices up for homeowners, block those who don’t ‘work very hard’ from buying. Do this now"] ''Moneywise / Yahoo Finance'' (February 4, 2026) * ''About the 2024 election:'' I had to win it. I needed it for my own ego. I would have had a bad ego for the rest of my life. Now I really have a big ego. * I don’t know how a person of faith can vote for a Democrat. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/feb/05/trump-religious-right-republicans "The way, the Trump and the lies: prayer breakfast displays US right’s devil’s pact"] ''The Guardian'' (February 5, 2026) * U.S. Olympic Skier, Hunter Hess, a real Loser, says he doesn’t represent his Country in the current Winter Olympics. If that’s the case, he shouldn’t have tried out for the Team, and it’s too bad he’s on it. ** Written about Hunter Hess, who has said that just because he's wearing the flag doesn't mean he is representing all that is going on in the US, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5728563-trump-rips-hunter-hess-olympics/ "Trump rips Olympic skier over remarks about representing US"] ''The Hill'' (February 8, 2026) * The Super Bowl Halftime Show is absolutely terrible, one of the worst, EVER! It makes no sense, is an affront to the Greatness of America, and doesn’t represent our standards of Success, Creativity, or Excellence. ** Claimed about the show with the US rapper [[w:Bad Bunny | Bad Bunny]], quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-says-bad-bunnys-super-bowl-halftime-show-was-absolutely-terrible-2026-02-09/ "Trump says Bad Bunny's Super Bowl halftime was 'absolutely terrible'"] ''Reuters'' ( February 9, 2026) * I am predicting 100,000 on the DOW by the end of my Term. REMEMBER TRUMP WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING! ** [https://finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-says-everything-credits-tariffs-193104611.html "Trump Says He 'Was Right About Everything,' Credits Tariffs For Dow Jones At 50,000, Predicts It Will Reach 100,000 By This Time"] ''Yahoo Finance'' (February 10, 2026) * TARIFFS have given us Great National Security because the mere mention of the word has Countries agreeing to our strongest wishes, * Any Republican, in the House or the Senate, that votes against TARIFFS will seriously suffer the consequences come Election time, and that includes Primaries! ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5734521-trump-tariffs-primary-threat/ "Trump threatens ‘consequences’ for Republicans who voted against tariffs on Canada"] ''The Hill'' (February 11, 2026) ===== Announcement of major combat operations in Iran (28 February 2026) ===== [[File:President Donald J. Trump on the United States Military Major Combat Operations in Iran.webm|thumb|Trump on major combat operations in Iran]] :<small>[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack Full statement at PBS (28 February 2026)]</small> [[File:Trump announcing strikes on Iran, February 28 2026.png|thumb|A short time ago, the [[United States]] [[military]] began [[w:2026 Israeli–United States strikes on Iran|major combat operations]] in [[Iran]].]] [[File:President Donald J. Trump oversees Operation Epic Fury at Mar-a-Lago, Palm Beach, FL, Feb. 28, 2026. (White House photo by Daniel Torok) (55121599389).jpg|thumb|My administration is taking every possible step to minimize the risk to U.S. personnel in the region. Even so, and I do not make this statement lightly, the Iranian regime seeks to kill. The lives of courageous American heroes may be lost, and we may have casualties. That often happens in war.]] * A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations in Iran. Our objective is to defend the American people by eliminating imminent threats from the Iranian regime. A vicious group of very hard, terrible people. Its menacing activities directly endanger the United States, our troops, our bases overseas, and our allies throughout the world. * Iran is the world's number one state sponsor of terror, and just recently killed tens of thousands of its own citizens on the street as they protested. It has always been the policy of the United States, in particular my administration, that this terrorist regime can never have a nuclear weapon. I'll say it again, they can never have a nuclear weapon. * They've rejected every opportunity to renounce their nuclear ambitions, and we can't take it anymore. Instead, they attempted to rebuild their nuclear program and to continue developing the long range missiles that can now threaten our very good friends and allies in Europe, our troops stationed overseas, and could soon reach the American homeland. Just imagine how emboldened this regime would be if they ever had, and actually were armed with nuclear weapons as a means to deliver their message. <br /> For these reasons, the United States military is undertaking a massive and ongoing operation to prevent this very wicked, radical dictatorship from threatening America and our core national security interests. We're going to destroy their missiles and raze their missile industry to the ground. It will be totally again obliterated. We're going to annihilate their navy. We're going to ensure that the region's terrorist proxies can no longer destabilize the region or the world and attack our forces, and no longer use their IEDs, or roadside bombs as they are sometimes called, to so gravely wound and kill thousands and thousands of people, including many Americans. And we will ensure that Iran does not obtain a nuclear weapon. It's a very simple message. They will never have a nuclear weapon. * This regime will soon learn that no one should challenge the strength and might of the United States Armed Forces. I built and rebuilt our military in my first administration and there is no military on earth even close to its power, strength or sophistication. My administration is taking every possible step to minimize the risk to U.S. personnel in the region. Even so, and I do not make this statement lightly, the Iranian regime seeks to kill. The lives of courageous American heroes may be lost, and we may have casualties. That often happens in war. But we're doing this not for now. We're doing this for the future. And it is a noble mission. We pray for every service member as they selflessly risk their lives to ensure that Americans and our children will never be threatened by a nuclear-armed Iran. We ask God to protect all of our heroes in harm's way. And we trust that with his help, the men and women of the armed forces will prevail. We have the greatest in the world, and they will prevail. * To the members of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard, the armed forces and all of the police, I say tonight that you must lay down your weapons and have complete immunity. Or in the alternative, face certain death. So, lay down your arms. You will be treated fairly with total immunity, or you will face certain death. Finally, to the great proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand. Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere. When we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for generations. <br /> For many years, you have asked for America's help. But you never got it. No president was willing to do what I am willing to do tonight. Now you have a president who is giving you what you want. So let's see how you respond. America is backing you with overwhelming strength and devastating force. Now is the time to seize control of your destiny, and to unleash the prosperous and glorious future that is close within your reach. This is the moment for action. Do not let it pass. ==== March 2026 ==== {{See also|2026 Iran war}} * There will be no deal with Iran except UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER! * IRAN WILL HAVE A GREAT FUTURE. 'MAKE IRAN GREAT AGAIN (MIGA!).'” ** [https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2029923412269809980 "UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER!"] ''The White House'' (March 6, 2026) * Iran, which is being beat to HELL, has apologized and surrendered to its Middle East neighbors, and promised that it will not shoot at them anymore. This promise was only made because of the relentless U.S. and Israeli attack... Iran is no longer the 'Bully of the Middle East,' they are, instead, 'THE LOSER OF THE MIDDLE EAST,' ** [https://www.instagram.com/p/DVliTBoFFXd/ "IRAN WILL BE HIT VERY HARD!"] ''White House'' (March 7, 2026) * I think the war is very complete, pretty much. * If you look, they have nothing left. There's nothing left in a military sense. * If they do anything bad, that would be the end of Iran and you'd never hear the name again. * Wrapping up is all in my mind, nobody else's. ** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says "the war is very complete," and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"] ''CBS News'' (March 9, 2026) * We think they should put a president in or the head of the country that’s going to be able to do something peacefully for a change. They’ve been doing this for 47 years, killing people for 47 years. Whether it’s the barracks or even the SS Cole where they were involved, very strongly, they always denied it. But they were very strongly involved and all of the <b>people that died through the roadside bombs died and are right now walking around with no legs, no arms.</b> A face that’s been so badly damaged. ** Claimed about the people of Iran and about the [[w:October 2000 bombing of USS Cole | October 2000 bombing of USS Cole ]] in Yemen by Al Qaida, quoted in [https://newrepublic.com/post/207572/trump-rant-dead-soldiers-walking-around-no-legs-iran "Trump Goes on Deranged Rant About Dead Soldiers Walking Around"] ''The New Republic'' (March 10, 2026) * These ships should go through the Strait of Hormuz and show some guts, there’s nothing to be afraid of ... They have no Navy, we sunk all their ships. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/hormuz-strait-attacks-follow-trump-saying-crews-should-show-some-guts-11660339 "Hormuz Strait Attacks Follow Trump Saying Crews Should ‘Show Some Guts’"] ''Newsweek'' (March 11, 2026) * The United States is the largest oil producer in the world, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. * The straits are in great shape. We’ve knocked out all of their boats. They have some missiles, but not very many. I think we’re in very good … we’re in very good shape. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5780543-us-oil-prices-trump/ "Trump: ‘When oil prices go up, we make a lot of money’"] ''The Hill'' (March 12, 2026) * I don't want the president of the United States to have a cognitive deficiency. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/newsom-trump-cognitive-ability-2028-election-b2936871.html "Newsom gives scathing two-word retort after Trump publicly questions governor’s mental health and ‘cognitive’ ability"] ''Independent'' (March 12, 2026) * You never like to say too early you won. We won. We won the bet — in the first hour, it was over. ** [https://www.ms.now/news/news-analysis/trump-iran-winning-project-47-newsletter "‘We’ve won’: Trump’s declarations of victory in war with Iran defy reality"] ''MS Now'' (March 12, 2026) * It's an excursion that will keep us out of a war, and the war is going to be, uh -- I mean, for them it's a war. For us, it's turned out to be easier than we thought. ** [https://abcnews.com/Politics/excursion-war-trump-analysis/story?id=131003550 "A 'little excursion' or 'war'? It's 'both,' Trump says: ANALYSIS"] ''ABC News'' (March 13, 2026) * Watch what happens to these deranged scumbags today. They’ve been killing innocent people all over the world for 47 years, and now I, as the 47th President of the United States of America, am killing them. What a great honor it is to do so! ** [https://www.latimes.com/politics/story/2026-03-15/trump-hegseth-iran-war-rhetoric "Trump’s war rhetoric is coarse. It’s also heard differently, depending on the audience"] ''Los Angeles Times'' (March 15, 2026) * We may hit it a few more times just for fun. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/15/trump-says-us-may-hit-irans-kharg-island-again-just-for-fun "Trump says US may hit Iran’s Kharg Island again ‘just for fun’"] ''AlJazeera'' (March 15, 2026) * I’ve spoken to a certain president, who I like, actually. A past president, a former president. He said, 'I wish I did it.' But they didn't do it. I'm doing it. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-president-call-b2940315.html "Trump says he spoke to an ex-president who praised his Iran War. They all deny taking the call"] ''Independent'' (March 17, 2026) * ''About [[w:Joe Kent | Joe Kent]], former director of the National Counterterrorism Center:'' It’s a good thing that he’s out because he said Iran was not a threat. ** [https://washingtonstatestandard.com/2026/03/17/was-joe-kent-leaving-trump-administration-over-war-in-iran/ "WA’s Joe Kent leaving Trump administration over war in Iran"] ''Washington State Standard'' (March 17, 2026) * My attitude is, we don’t need anybody. We’re the strongest nation in the world. We have the strongest military by far in the world. We don’t need them. ** [https://www.tvinsider.com/1252321/cnns-kasie-hunt-mocks-trump-over-his-bizarre-press-briefing/ "CNN’s Kasie Hunt Mocks Trump Over His Bizarre Press Briefing"] ''TV Insider'' (March 17, 2026) * NATO nations have done absolutely nothing to help with the lunatic nation, now militarily decimated, of Iran. the U.S.A needs nothing from NATO, but “never forget" this very important point in time!" ** [https://www.news18.com/world/done-absolutely-nothing-trump-fires-at-nato-nations-for-no-action-on-lunatic-iran-9998722.html "'Done Absolutely Nothing': Trump Fires At NATO Nations For No Action On 'Lunatic Iran'"] ''News 18'' (March 26, 2026) * When we go in, we went in very hard, and we didn't tell anybody about it, because we wanted surprise—Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor? ** In response to a reporter questioning why the US did not inform its NATO allies before launching strikes on Iran, during a joint press conference with Japanese Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi, quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/pearl-harbor-joke-iran-operation-meeting-japan-prime-minister-war-rcna264325 "Trump makes Pearl Harbor joke during meeting with Japanese prime minister"] ''NBC News'' (March 19, 2026) * ''About the attack on Iran:'' We could have dialogue, but I don’t want to do a ceasefire. You know you don’t do a ceasefire when you’re literally obliterating the other side. ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2026/03/20/trump-iran-war-ceasefire.html "Trump says he doesn’t want Iran war ceasefire, but is considering ‘winding down’ military ops"] ''CNBC'' (March 20, 2026) * Robert Mueller just died. Good, I’m glad he’s dead. He can no longer hurt innocent people! ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/mar/21/robert-mueller-special-counsel-trump-russia-dies "Robert Mueller, special counsel who investigated Trump-Russia ties, dies at 81"] ''The Guardian'' (March 21, 2026) * I read a story today that I’m desperate to make a deal…. I’m the opposite of desperate. I don’t care. I want to know ― in fact, we have other targets we want to hit before we leave. We’re hitting them on a daily basis. * We don’t need the Hormuz Strait. We don’t need it. We don’t need it at all. We don’t ― we have so much oil. Our country is not affected by this. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-iran-peace-deal_n_69c58c70e4b09f8e00509ee8 "Trump Trots Out Wildly Contradictory Iran War Claims — And Says He Doesn't Care If There's A Peace Deal"] ''Huffington Post'' (March 26, 2026) : ''About the US attack on Iran:'' * I can’t say what we’re going to do because if I did, I wouldn’t be sitting here for long. They’d probably — what is it called? The 25th Amendment? — They’d institute the 25th Amendment. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/donald-trump-jokes-cabinet-25th-103104867.html "Donald Trump Jokes Cabinet Would Use 25th Amendment to Remove Him"] ''Mandatory / Yahoo News'' (March 27, 2026) * See, I get into a war — of course, they call it a war, I call it a military conflict. But there’s a legal reason for that. I said, ‘Look, you know, we have a thing called a war,’ or as they would rather say, a military operation. It’s for legal reasons. I say ‘military’ because as a military operation, I don’t need any approvals. As a war, you’re supposed to get approval from Congress. Something like that. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/call-war-trump-reveals-real-172604512.html "'They Call It A War': Trump Reveals Real Reason He Keeps Calling Iran War Something Else"] ''Huffington Post / Yahoo News'' (March 28, 2026) * I always like to hang around with losers, actually, because it makes me feel better. I hate guys that are very, very successful and you have to listen to their success stories. I like people that like to listen to my success. ** [https://www.aol.com/articles/five-unhinged-trump-moments-investment-100000181.html "Five unhinged Trump moments at investment summit from weird interruption to filthy question"] ''AOL'' (March 28) * To be honest with you, my favourite thing is to take the oil in Iran, but some stupid people back in the US say: ‘Why are you doing that?’ But they’re stupid people. * Maybe we take Kharg Island, maybe we don’t. We have a lot of options. It would also mean we had to be there for a while. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/30/trump-wants-to-invade-iran-to-seize-oil-calls-us-objectors-stupid "Trump wants to invade Iran to seize oil, calls US objectors ‘stupid people’"] ''Al Jazeera'' (March 30, 2026) * The Republicans are wonderful people. We're dealing with very sick people. The Democrats are sick; there's something wrong. They're like terrorists. ** [https://www.aol.com/entertainment/donald-trump-ruthlessly-dubbed-inept-133940897.html "Donald Trump ruthlessly dubbed an 'inept pile of garbage' amid Democrat 'terrorist' jab"] ''AOL'' (March 30, 2026) * All of those countries that can’t get jet fuel because of the Strait of Hormuz, like the United Kingdom, which refused to get involved in the decapitation of Iran, I have a suggestion for you: Number 1, buy from the U.S., we have plenty, and Number 2, build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait, and just TAKE IT. * You’ll have to start learning how to fight for yourself, the U.S.A. won’t be there to help you anymore, just like you weren’t there for us. Iran has been, essentially, decimated. The hard part is done. Go get your own oil! ** [https://nypost.com/2026/03/31/us-news/trump-lashes-out-at-france-and-uk-over-strait-of-hormuz/ "Trump lashes out at France and UK, says nations should ‘just take’ Strait of Hormuz to replenish lost oil"] ''New York Post'' (March 31, 2026) ==== April 2026 ==== * We're going to hit them extremely hard over the next two to three weeks — we're going to bring them back to the Stone Age, where they belong. ** [https://www.war.gov/News/News-Stories/Article/Article/4450132/trump-objectives-in-iran-near-completion-terrorist-nation-bully-no-longer/ "Trump: Objectives in Iran Near Completion, Terrorist Nation 'Bully No Longer'"] ''US Department of war'' (April 1, 2026) * We could just take their oil. But, you know, I’m not sure that the people in our country have the patience to do that, which is unfortunate. They want to see it end. If we stayed there, I prefer just to take the oil. We could do it so easily; I would prefer that. But people in the country sort of say, ‘Just win. You’re winning so big, just win. Come home. * With a little more time, we can easily OPEN THE HORMUZ STRAIT, TAKE THE OIL, & MAKE A FORTUNE * KEEP THE OIL, ANYONE? ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/4/3/trump-says-with-more-time-us-can-take-the-oil-in-iran "Trump says with more time, US can ‘take the oil’ in Iran"] ''Al Jazeera'' (April 3, 2026) * Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.politico.com/news/2026/04/05/trump-threatens-iranian-infrastructure-hormuz-00859268?utm_medium=referral&utm_source=snews "Trump again threatens to hit Iranian civil infrastructure"] ''Politico'' (April 5, 2026) * A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will. However, now that we have Complete and Total Regime Change, where different, smarter, and less radicalized minds prevail, maybe something revolutionarily wonderful can happen, WHO KNOWS? We will find out tonight, one of the most important moments in the long and complex history of the World. 47 years of extortion, corruption, and death, will finally end. God Bless the Great People of Iran! ** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-iran-warning-whole-civilization-die-11792792 "Trump Issues New Warning to Iran: ‘A Whole Civilization Will Die Tonight’"] ''Newsweek'' (April 7, 2026) * I know why Tucker Carlson, Megyn Kelly, Candace Owens, and Alex Jones have all been fighting me for years, especially by the fact that they think it is wonderful for Iran, the Number One State Sponsor of Terror, to have a Nuclear Weapon — Because they have one thing in common, Low IQs. They’re stupid people, they know it, their families know it, and everyone else knows it, too! Look at their past, look at their record. They don’t have what it takes, and they never did! They’ve all been thrown off Television, lost their Shows, and aren’t even invited on TV because nobody cares about them, they’re NUT JOBS, TROUBLEMAKERS, and will say anything necessary for some “free” and cheap publicity. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/media/5824607-trump-iran-war-tucker-carlson-megyn-kelly/ "Trump slams conservative media figures over splitting with him on Iran"] ''The Hill'' (April 9, 2026) * Effective immediately, the United States Navy, the Finest in the World, will begin the process of BLOCKADING any and all Ships trying to enter, or leave, the Strait of Hormuz. * Any Iranian who fires at us, or at peaceful vessels, will be BLOWN TO HELL! ** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-iran/ "Trump says U.S. will blockade Strait of Hormuz and intercept ships that paid tolls to Iran"] ''CBS News'' (April 12, 2026) * We don’t like a pope that’s going to say that it’s OK to have a nuclear weapon. We don’t want a pope that says crime is OK in our cities. I don’t like it. I’m not a big fan of Pope Leo, * Pope Leo is WEAK on Crime, and terrible for Foreign Policy * Leo should be thankful because, as everyone knows, he was a shocking surprise. He wasn’t on any list to be Pope, and was only put there by the Church because he was an American, and they thought that would be the best way to deal with President Donald J. Trump. If I wasn’t in the White House, Leo wouldn’t be in the Vatican. ** [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-says-not-big-fan-weak-terrible-pope-leo-rcna331461 "Trump assails Pope Leo as 'weak' and 'terrible' after pontiff's Iran war criticism"] ''NBC News'' (April 13, 2026) * Gas prices have come down very much in the last three or four days * They are not very high. * Everything's going really well. ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2026/04/16/trump-gas-prices-iran-war.html "Trump says gas prices ‘not very high’ as most U.S. voters blame him for price spike"] ''CNBC'' (April 16, 2026) * 'Corner stores'!? What is a corner store? I've never heard that term. I know what a corner store is, but I've never heard it described, a ‘corner store.’ ** [https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-corner-store-reaction "Trump doesn’t know what a corner store is – and people think it says a lot about him"] ''Indy100'' (April 17, 2026) * We have a very good relationship with Iran right now, as hard as it is to believe. And I think it is a combination of about four weeks of bombing and a very powerful blockade. ** [https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-says-second-round-of-talks-with-iran-could-take-place-this-weekend/ "Trump says 2nd round of Iran talks could be this weekend, war ‘should’ end soon"] ''The Times of Israel'' (April 20, 2026) * I would have won Vietnam very quickly. I would have, if I were president. ** Claimed about the Vietnam War (1955-1975), quoted in [https://ca.news.yahoo.com/trump-boasts-won-vietnam-very-130316917.html "Trump boasts ‘I would have won Vietnam very quickly’ ... despite getting ‘bone spur’ excuse to avoid draft"] ''Independent / Yahoo News'' (April 21, 2026) * A RIGGED ELECTION TOOK PLACE LAST NIGHT IN THE GREAT COMMONWEALTH OF VIRGINIA! * As everyone knows, I am an extraordinarily brilliant person. ** [https://ca.news.yahoo.com/extraordinarily-brilliant-trump-leaves-no-181143288.html "‘Extraordinarily brilliant’ Trump leaves no doubt he will challenge any election GOP losses as ‘rigged’ with latest post"] ''Independent / Yahoo News'' (April 22, 2026) * I just cancelled the trip of my representatives going to Islamabad, Pakistan, to meet with the Iranians. Too much time wasted on traveling, too much work! Besides which, there is tremendous infighting and confusion within their ‘leadership. Nobody knows who is in charge, including them. Also, we have all the cards, they have none! If they want to talk, all they have to do is call!!! ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5849794-trump-iran-peace-negotiations/ "Trump says he won’t send officials to Pakistan for negotiations"] ''The Hill'' (April 26, 2026) * When you have, you know, lines of vast amounts of oil pouring through your system, if for any reason that line is closed because you can’t continue to put it into containers or ships, which has happened to them — they have no ships because of the blockade — what happens is that line explodes from within, both mechanically and in the earth. It’s something that happens where it just explodes. And they say they only have about three days left before that happens. And when it explodes, you can never, regardless, you can never rebuild it the way it was. ** [https://nypost.com/2026/04/26/us-news/trump-claims-irans-oil-infrastructure-may-explode-in-three-days-due-to-us-blockade/ "Trump claims Iran’s oil infrastructure may explode in three days due to US blockade"] ''New York Post'' (April 26, 2026) * The Chancellor of Germany, Friedrich Merz, thinks it’s OK for Iran to have a Nuclear Weapon. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about! If Iran had a Nuclear Weapon, the whole World would be held hostage. * I am doing something with Iran, right now, that other Nations, or Presidents, should have done long ago. No wonder Germany is doing so poorly, both Economically, and otherwise! * They’re a respected country. I have a very good relationship with the country – in particular now, with this leader. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/4/28/trump-scolds-germanys-merz-for-criticism-of-iran-war "Trump scolds Germany’s Merz for criticism of Iran war"] ''AlJazeera'' (April 28, 2026) * He &#91;[[Charles III|King Charles]] of the United Kingdom] made a great speech. I was very jealous. * I want to congratulate Charles on having made a fantastic speech today at Congress. He got the [[Democrats]] to stand, I’ve never been able to do that, I couldn’t believe it. ** [https://www.wionews.com/world/trump-admits-he-s-very-jealous-after-king-charles-did-the-one-thing-he-could-never-pull-off-at-the-capitol-1777442027803#goog_rewarded "Trump admits he's 'very jealous' after King Charles did the one thing he could never pull off at the Capitol"] ''Wion'' (April 29, 2026) * I think Ukraine, militarily they are defeated, OK? You wouldn't know that by reading the fake news. ** [https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394191405112?dicbo=v2-iH2p37I&intcmp=fn_article_mobileweb_bc_ob_more_from "Ukraine is 'militarily' defeated: Trump"] ''Fox News'' (April 29, 2026) ===== Remarks after White House Correspondents' Dinner shootings (25 April 2026) ===== [[File:President Trump Delivers Remarks (April 25, 2026).webm|thumb|start=19:16|thumbtime=19:53|President Trump addresses the press two hours after the shooting]] :<small>[https://www.rev.com/transcripts/trump-speaks-after-whcd-shooting "Trump Speaks After WHCD Shooting" video and transcript at rev.com]</small> * That was very unexpected, but incredibly acted upon by Secret Service and law enforcement. And this was an event dedicated to freedom of speech that was supposed to bring together members of both parties with members of the press. And in a certain way it did because the fact that they just unified, I saw a room that was just totally unified. It was in one way, very beautiful. A very beautiful thing to see. * A tape showing the violence of this thug that attacked our constitution and also showing how quickly Secret Service and law enforcement acted on our country's behalf, really did a great job. <br /> One officer was shot, but saved by the fact that he was wearing obviously a very good bulletproof vest. He was shot from very close distance with a very powerful gun. And the vest did the job. I just spoke to the officer and he's doing great. He's great shape. He has very high spirits and we told him we love him and respect him. And he's a very proud guy. He's very proud of what he does, Secret Service agent. And we looked at all of the conditions that took place tonight. And I will say, it's not a particularly secure building. And I didn't want to say this, but this is why we have to have all of the attributes of what we're planning at the White House. It's actually a larger room and it's a much more secure. It's got, it's drone proof, it's bulletproof glass. <br /> We need the ballroom. That's why Secret Service, that's why the military are demanding it. They've wanted the ballroom for 150 years for lots of different reasons, but today's a little bit different because today we need levels of security that probably nobody's ever seen before. But everyone owes a tremendous debt of gratitude to the courage of law enforcement. * So as you know, this is not the first time in the past couple of years that our republic been attacked by a would be assassin who sought to kill in Butler, Pennsylvania less than two years ago. <br /> You all know that story. And in Palm Beach, Florida, a few months after that, we came close. We really had, again, we had some great work done by law enforcement. But in light of this evening's events, I asked that all Americans recommit with their hearts in resolving our difference peacefully. We have to resolve our differences. I will say you had Republicans, Democrats, independents, conservatives, liberals, and progressives. Those words are interchangeable, perhaps but maybe they're not. But yet everybody in that room, big crowd, record-setting crowd, there was a record-setting group of people, and there was a tremendous amount of love and coming together. I watched and I was very, very impressed by that. * I told the representatives of the evening, they did such a beautiful job, was such a beautiful evening. And again, they're talking about free speech in our [[United States Constitution|Constitution]]. That's what it's all about. Not just White House correspondence. It was really based on free speech in our Constitution. But I said very importantly that we'll do it again within the next 30 days. It will make it bigger and better and even nicer. So I just want to thank everybody that was involved. I also want to thank the press, the media. You've been very responsible in your coverage. I will say I've been seeing what's been out and you've been very responsible. ==== May 2026 ==== : ''About the 2026 midterm election:'' * It is a problem I'm not on the ballot. Everyone says if I was on a ballot we'd win in a landslide. <b>I have some of the best poll numbers I've ever had.</b> ** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-approval-rating-plummets-personality-traits-11905848 "Donald Trump’s Approval Rating Plummets On All Personality Traits"] ''Newsweek'' (May 2, 2026) * There has been no exchange of fire between the United States Forces and Iran since April 7, 2026. The hostilities that began on February 28, 2026 have terminated. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c4g4xexy4w7o "Trump tells Congress ceasefire means he does not need their approval for Iran war"] ''BBC'' (May 2, 2026) * We took over the ship. We took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business. <b>We’re like pirates.</b> We’re sort of like pirates. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/5/2/trump-says-us-navy-acting-like-pirates-to-enforce-iran-blockade "Trump says US Navy acting ‘like pirates’ to enforce Iran blockade"] ''Al Jazeera'' (May 2, 2026) * It is a very friendly blockade. ** [https://www.thestar.com.my/news/world/2026/05/03/trump-describes-us-blockade-as-very-friendly-does-not-breach-039terminated039-claim-on-iran-hostilities#goog_rewarded "Trump describes US blockade as "very friendly”, does not breach 'terminated' claim on Iran hostilities"] ''The Star'' (May 3, 2026) * Bill Maher is a MORON, though slightly more talented than Jimmy Kimmel. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-tears-into-bill-maher-after-gavin-newsom-interview-11906910 "Trump Tears Into Bill Maher After Gavin Newsom Interview"] ''Newsweek'' (May 3, 2026) : ''Explained to a group of school children:'' * We can't let Iran have a nuclear weapon… You might be too young for this… But you can't let a bunch of lunatics have a nuclear weapon or the world would be in trouble. * We sent that beautiful B-2 bomber in, and we blew up their nuclear potential. * I can tell you, the Middle East would've been gone. Israel would've been gone. They would've trained their sights on Europe first, then us. Because they're sick people. These are sick people, and we're not going to let lunatics have nuclear weapons. It's not going to happen. ** [https://www.ndtvprofit.com/world/bizarre-moment-trump-tells-school-kids-iran-was-two-weeks-away-from-killing-you-watch-video-11455217/amp/1 "Bizarre Moment! Trump Tells School Kids Iran 'Was Two Weeks Away From Killing You'—Watch Video"] ''NDTV Profit'' (May 6, 2026) * It's up to the Pope. He thinks it's just fine for Iran to have a nuclear weapon. ** [https://time.com/article/2026/05/06/pope-leo-nuclear-weapons-trump/ "Pope Leo Rejects Trump’s Nuclear Claims and Tells His Critics To Speak ‘Truthfully’"] ''Time'' (May 6, 2026) * This lunatic, Hakeem ‘Low IQ’ Jeffries, should be charged with INCITING VIOLENCE! The Radical Left Democrats actually want to Destroy our Country. ** [https://www.aol.com/articles/jeffries-trump-call-inciting-violence-201156891.html "Jeffries on Trump call for ‘inciting violence’ charge: ‘Another deranged rant’"] ''AOL'' (May 7, 2026) * Excellent Poll Numbers. Thank You! ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/trump-drowns-feed-maga-praise-114613786.html "Trump Drowns Feed With MAGA Praise in Late-Night Truth Social Dump Celebrating Himself"] ''Mediaite/Yahoo News'' (May 11, 2026) * No matter how ‘Fair and Balanced’ the day’s News at Fox may be, the end result is destroyed by professional Liars, Conmen, and Liberal, Crooked Politicians. This is why <b>MAGA Republicans, who are actually close to 100% of the Party, hate Fox,</b> despite the wonderful contributions made by so many of their great anchors and commentators. Hard to win Elections like this! ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/trump-goes-ballistic-fox-news-225559417.html "Trump Goes Ballistic on Fox News Anchor Jacqui Heinrich, Claims MAGA Republicans ‘Hate’ the Channel"] ''Mediaite / Yahoo News'' (May 11, 2026) * I’m serious about beginning a process to make Venezuela the 51st state. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/trump-wants-oil-rich-nation-205314886.html "Trump wants this oil-rich nation as the 51st state. Its leader has a message for him."] ''nj.com'' (May 12, 2026) * The only thing that matters when I’m talking about Iran — they can’t have a nuclear weapon. <b>I don’t think about Americans’ financial situation.</b> I don’t think about anybody. I think about one thing — we cannot let Iran have a nuclear weapon. That’s all. ** [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-not-thinking-american-finances-iran-talk-rcna344785 "Trump says he’s not thinking about Americans’ finances ‘even a little bit’ in Iran talks"] ''NBC News'' (May 12, 2026) * Dumacrats Love Sewage ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/dumacrats-love-sewage-trump-posts-124145023.html "‘Dumacrats Love Sewage’: Trump Posts Image of Obama, Biden, Pelosi Bathing in Feces in New Truth Social Meme Spree"] ''Mediaite / Yahoo News'' (May 12, 2026) * We have a man who is doing a great job, I'll tell you. I knew it! Because he kept me out of jail for years. Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, he kept me out of jail. ** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-blanche-jail-quote/ "Trump said acting AG Todd Blanche kept him 'out of jail for years'"] ''Snopes fact check'' (May 13, 2026) * If they want to come in and build the plant and hire you and hire your friends and your neighbors, that’s great. I love that. <b>Let China come in, let Japan come in.</b> They are and they’ll be building plants, but they’re using our labor. ** [https://www.politico.com/news/2026/05/13/trump-xi-summit-chinese-electric-vehicles-00917652 "‘The only thing that terrifies me is BYD’: Politicians quake at Chinese EVs"] ''Politico'' (May 13, 2026) * It's a very insulting thing to tell a country we don't want your people in our schools, ** [https://www.thestandard.com.hk/china/article/332106/ "Bucking base, Trump defends Chinese students in US"] ''The Standard'' (May 15, 2026) * Frankly, I think that it’s good that people come from other countries and they learn our culture, and many of them want to stay here. I think it’s a good thing. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/maga-reeling-trump-welcomes-chinese-204217102.html "MAGA is Reeling as Trump Welcomes Chinese Students to the U.S."] ''The News Republic / Yahoo News'' (May 15, 2026) * I'm right now at 99% in Israel. I could run for prime minister, so maybe after I do this, I'll go to Israel and run for prime minister. I had a poll this morning. I am 99 %, so that's good. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/fact-check-no-reputable-poll-235324733.html "Fact Check: NO Reputable Poll Shows Trump Has 99% Support In Israel -- Polls Show 69% To 79%"] ''Yahoo / Lead Stories'' (May 22, 2026) * I don't care about the midterms. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-midterms-republicans-cabinet-meeting-b2984719.html "Trump sends crushing message to Republicans: ‘I don’t care about the midterms’"] ''Independent'' (May 27, 2026) * Oman will behave just like everybody else or we’ll have to blow them up. They understand that, they’ll be fine. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/may/27/donald-trump-oman-threat-strait-hormuz "Trump threatens to ‘blow up’ US ally Oman amid talks over strait of Hormuz"] ''The Guardian'' (May 28, 2026) ==== June 2026 ==== : ''About the Iranian military:'' * Their military, we’ve sort of left it alone, because we think that their military is somewhat, somewhat moderate ... We’ve actually left their military alone. People would be surprised to hear that. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-military-us-war-irgc-interview-b2986901.html "Trump now says US left Iran’s military ‘alone’ after weeks of boasting that he destroyed its forces"] ''Independent'' (June 2, 2026) * ''About Iran:'' They’ve already agreed they’re not going to have a nuclear weapon. * I inherited very high prices when I came in. I inherited the highest inflation in the history of our country. Biden had like 9%-10% inflation, and I inherited that, and we have it way down. ** Claimed without providing evidence, quoted in [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/white-house/4592621/trump-iran-no-nuclear-new-interview-takeaways/ "Trump says Iran agrees to ‘no nuclear,’ and other takeaways from new interview"] ''Washington Examiner'' (June 3, 2026) * I love the inflation. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c0myzxjkw99o "Trump says he 'loves the inflation' as US prices rise at fastest rate in three years"] ''BBC'' (June 11, 2026) * The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/6/11/trump-says-us-will-be-taking-kharg-island-in-latest-iran-war-threat "Trump says US will ‘be taking’ Kharg Island in latest Iran war threat"] ''Al Jazeera'' (June 11, 2026) * I don’t know if you heard, but we ended the war with Iran today. They have agreed never to have a nuclear weapon, something that we insisted on; that was the whole purpose. That was 95 percent of it. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2026/06/11/world/live-news/iran-war-trump-israel-hnk "We ended the war with Iran today," Trump says] ''CNN'' (June 12, 2026) * Qatar is the closest to Iran, physically. With other countries, I noticed they had to travel about 45 minutes to get there. With you, you could walk right across the border. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/politics/articles/donald-trump-doesn-t-know-162854643.html "Donald Trump Doesn’t Know Anything About Geography"] ''The New Republic / Yahoo News'' (June 16, 2026) * So happy for highly respected Congressman Mike Collins. He will win his Senate Race in Georgia against a pathetic failed Dumocrat Senator, Os(jerk!)off, who is a joke in D.C. Nobody even knows who he is!!! I'll be doing Big TRUMP Rallies for Mike in Georgia! President DJT. ** Social media post, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/politics/articles/trump-drops-childish-nickname-democratic-161158346.html "Trump Drops Childish New Nickname For Democratic Star"] ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' (June 17, 2026) * If it works out, I'm going to take the credit. If it doesn't work out, I'm blaming JD. ** Claimed about a memorandum of understanding about engaging in negotiations about restoring peace after the US attack on Iran, quoted in [https://www.aol.com/news/vance-says-us-got-iran-233148756.html "Trump finally said it out loud: JD Vance is his Iran fall guy"] ''AOL'' (June 17, 2026) * POLL: Which do you prefer, Dumocrat or Dumbocrat? In one case, you simply exchange the ‘e’ for ‘u,’ so simple and precise (Many people don’t know, or assume, that DUMB ends in ‘b’). In the other case, you spell out DUMB, but it seems to lose some of the identity to Democrats when done this way. Which is better? ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-democrats-nickname-dumb-truth-social-b2999705.html "D-U-M-B: Trump gives spelling lesson as he works on nicknames for his rivals"] ''Independent'' (June 20, 2026) {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * We have certain things in common, Jeffrey. * Enigmas never age, have you noticed that? * A pal is a wonderful thing. Happy Birthday – and may every day be another wonderful secret. ** Written in a letter to [[Jeffrey Epstein]], according to [https://www.wsj.com/politics/trump-jeffrey-epstein-birthday-letter-we-have-certain-things-in-common-f918d796 "Jeffrey Epstein’s Friends Sent Him Bawdy Letters for a 50th Birthday Album. One Was From Donald Trump."] ''Wall Street Journal'' (Article behind pay wall) (July 17, 2025). Quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/jul/17/trump-epstein-grand-jury-testimony-wall-street-journal "Trump requests release of Epstein grand jury transcripts amid report of ‘bawdy’ birthday note"] ''The Guardian'' (July 18, 2025). Disputed by Donald Trump. * These people should be executed. They are scumbags. ** About whistleblowers and journalists. Attributed by [[John Bolton]] in ''{{w|The Room Where It Happened}}'', ''{{w|Simon & Schuster}}'', 2020, [https://books.google.com/books?id=QjTMDwAAQBAJ&pg=PT290 p. 290] {{cite book |isbn=978-1-9821-4805-8}} *Do you still like having sex with your wife? How often? You must have had a better fuck than your wife? Tell me about it. I have girls coming in from [[Los Angeles]] at three o'clock. We can go upstairs and have a great time. I promise. **Reported by Michael Wolff in [http://web.archive.org/web/20180107223847if_/https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DSpgpeyVMAAMcS1.jpg ''Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House''] (5 January 2018) * I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go. He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go. ** Reported as being the words of President Trump recorded in a memo that [[James Comey]], FBI Director at the time, wrote shortly after a meeting held in the Oval Office on 14 February 2017, referring to the federal investigation into links to the Russian government of national security adviser, [[Michael T. Flynn]], who had resigned the day before. In a statement, the White House has denied the version of events in the memo. — [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/16/us/politics/james-comey-trump-flynn-russia-investigation.html New York Times (16 May 2017)] ** Comey confirmed under oath his account of Trump's words while [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/08/us/politics/senate-hearing-transcript.html appearing before the Senate Intelligence Committee] (8 June 2017) ** When asked about Comey's testimony during a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hplM_DYp-Vk press conference on 9 June 2017], Trump said, "I didn't say that. I will tell you I didn't say that. And there'd be nothing wrong if I did say it according to everybody that I've read today, but I did not say that." * Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here? ** Reportedly said in a meeting with lawmakers on immigration, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/368576-trump-rips-protections-for-immigrants-from-shithole-countries-in "Trump criticized immigration from 's---hole' countries: report"] (11 January 2018), by Avery Anapol, ''The Hill''. Variant: "Why do we want all these people from shithole countries coming here?" As quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/11/politics/trump-rock-bottom/index.html Trump's 'shithole' comment is his new rock bottom], ''CNN'', 12 January 2018. Trump denied making this comment. *** "The language used by me at the DACA meeting was tough, but this was not the language used." [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/951793123985973248 Tweet by @realDonaldTrump] (12 January 2018) *Why do we want all these people from Africa here? They're shithole countries ... We should have more people from Norway. **[https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-immigration-norway/thanks-but-no-thanks-norwegians-reject-trumps-immigration-offer-idUSKBN1F11QK 12 January 2018, per Reuters' source] ** In December 2025 Trump said: "Remember I said that to the senators that came in, the Democrats. They wanted to be bipartisan. So they came in. And they said, ‘This is totally off the record, nothing mentioned here, we want to be honest,’ because our country was going to hell. And we had a meeting. And I say: Why is it we only take people from shithole countries, right? Why can’t we have some people from Norway, Sweden – just a few – let us have a few. From Denmark – do you mind sending us a few people? Send us some nice people, do you mind? But we always take people from Somalia. Places that are a disaster, right? Filthy, dirty, disgusting, ridden with crime. *** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/12/10/politics/donald-trump-shithole-countries-phrase "Almost eight years later, Trump confirms he used the phrase ‘shithole countries’"] ''CNN'' (December 10, 2025) *Why do we need more Haitians? Take them out. **Reportedly said in a meeting with lawmakers on immigration, as quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-shthole-countries-response-from-haiti-africa-el-salvador/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab8a&linkId=46885064 "'Sh*thole countries' respond to Trump's rhetoric"], ''CBS News''. Trump denied making this comment. ** "Never said anything derogatory about Haitians other than Haiti is, obviously, a very poor and troubled country. Never said "take them out." Made up by Dems. I have a wonderful relationship with Haitians. Probably should record future meetings - unfortunately, no trust!" [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/951813216291708928 Tweet by @realDonaldTrump] (12 January 2018) *[B]lack people are too stupid to vote for me. **As quoted in [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2018/11/michael-cohen-trump-racist-language "Michael Cohen Says Trump Repeatedly Used Racist Language in Private"] (2 November 2018), by Emily Jane Fox, ''Vanity Fair''. In a post-2018 midterm press conference, Trump denied making the comment and dismissed Cohen's claims: "That's false" — as quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/president-trump-says-never-used-racist-remarks-195529076.html "President Trump says he has 'never used racist remarks'"] (7 November 2018), by Hunter Walker, ''Yahoo News''. *Name one country run by a black person that's not a shithole... Name one city. **As quoted in [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2018/11/michael-cohen-trump-racist-language "Michael Cohen Says Trump Repeatedly Used Racist Language in Private"] (2 November 2018), by Emily Jane Fox, ''Vanity Fair''. "White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied those comments at the time." *Why should I go to that cemetery? It’s filled with losers .. suckers .. Who were the good guys in this war? **[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/white-house-decision-cancel-veteran-s-cemetery-france-visit-creates-n934796 Saturday 10 November 2018] two hours before a scheduled 30-minute helicopter ride from Paris to the Aisne-Marne American Cemetery, the visit was cancelled with White House stating a rainy forecast made it too dangerous **[https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/09/trump-americans-who-died-at-war-are-losers-and-suckers/615997/ 3 September 2020] TheAtlantic.com writer [[Jeffrey Goldberg]] stated that "four people with firsthand knowledge of the discussion that day" (Goldberg did not provide any names) that "Trump rejected the idea of the visit because he feared his hair would become disheveled in the rain, and because he did not believe it important to honor American war dead", and described the two-sentence quote above as part of "a conversation with senior staff members on the morning of the scheduled visit". ***Goldberg also stated that during the trip (in a separate conversation) that Trump used the term "suckers" to collectively describe the 1800+ marines who died at Belleau Wood, but did not provide any surrounding words (the purported quote was the only word in quotation marks) ***the sentence about "good guys" Goldberg says was stated towards aides (not senior staff members) ****Goldberg did state a number regarding witness count of the other two statements, only for the "losers" one **[https://nationalpost.com/news/world/donald-trump-the-atlantic-john-mccain-loserstrump-denies-account-of-him-disparaging-u-s-war-dead-mccain 4 September 2020] Trump responded to Goldberg's piece "It’s a total lie. It’s fake news". **Trump also [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1301893907295371266 tweeted that day]: "The Atlantic Magazine is dying, like most magazines, so they make up a fake story in order to gain some relevance. Story already refuted, but this is what we are up against." **press secretary [[Kayleigh McEnany]] also [https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2020/09/04/whs_mcenany_atlantic_report_on_trump_has_been_categorically_debunked_by_witnesses_clearly_fake_news.html on September 4th] stated "The story in the Atlantic has been categorically debunked by eyewitnesses and contemporaneous documents", quoting two service members: ***""I was with the president the morning after the scheduled visit. He was extremely disappointed that arrangements could not be made to get him to the site and that the trip had been cancelled. I have worked with the president for his entire administration .. I have never heard him utter a disparaging remark of any kind about our troops." - Derek Lyons ***"there was a bad weather called in France and that the helicopters were unable to safely make the flight. Overall, the president's support and respect for our American troops past and present is unquestionable" - Dan Walsh **following Goldberg's piece that same day, [[James LaPorta]] wrote [https://apnews.com/article/b823f2c285641a4a09a96a0b195636ed on AP] "A senior Defense Department official with firsthand knowledge of events and a senior U.S. Marine Corps officer who was told about Trump’s comments confirmed some of the remarks to The Associated Press, including the 2018 cemetery comments." {{Disputed end}} {{misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * I have a really high IQ, Phil. I mean, c'mon. It's impossible for me to not be atheist. ** Attributed by photo meme to an appearance on ''The Phil Donahue Show'' in 1989. [http://www.snopes.com/trump-donahue-atheist-1989/ According to Snopes.com], there is no evidence he ever said this, nor that he even appeared on ''The Phil Donahue Show'' in 1989. * This has been the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever. ** Actual quote was "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl2QShtOwbU NAFTA is the worst trade deal maybe ever signed anywhere, but certainly ever signed in this country.]" * If I were to run, I'd run as a Republican. They're the dumbest group of voters in the country. They believe anything on Fox News. I could lie and they'd still eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific. ** There is no record of Trump ever saying this; sometimes "''People'' magazine, 1998" is ''incorrectly'' given as the "source" of this quotation — [http://www.snopes.com/1998-trump-people-quote/ snopes.com]; [https://www.truthorfiction.com/donald-trump-said-republicans-are-the-dumbest-group-of-voters/ truthorfiction.com] * The harder I work, the luckier I get. ** Originated with [[Samuel Goldwyn]] as a paraphrase of a proverb from a collection by Coleman Cox, but similar proverbs have existed since the 16th century. [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/07/21/luck-hard-work/] * Life is what you do while you're waiting to die. ** [[w:Fred Ebb|Fred Ebb]], ''[[w:Zorba (musical)|Zorba]]'' (1968) * People are dying today that have never died before. ** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-quote-never-died-before/ According to Snopes.com], there is no record of Trump saying this. * The doctors said they've never seen a body kill the Coronavirus like my body. They tested my DNA and it wasn't DNA. It was USA. ** Reportedly said by Trump after he was hospitalized with [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]], following [[w:White House COVID-19 outbreak|an outbreak of the disease in the White House]]; the quote actually originates from an image featuring a fabricated subtitle overlaid on a video released by the President while he was in [[w:Walter Reed National Military Medical Center|Walter Reed National Military Medical Center]]. [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-coronavirus-kill-body/] * My blood IS the vaccine!!!!! ** Originates from a fabricated screenshot of a tweet allegedly posted on October 5, 2020, the same day Trump was released from [[w:Walter Reed National Military Medical Center|Walter Reed National Military Medical Center]] after his diagnosis of [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]]. [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-my-blood-is-the-vaccine/] The fictitious quote likely refers to the donation of the [[w:blood plasma|blood plasma]] of COVID-19 survivors as a treatment method against catching the disease, a treatment of which Trump has been a vocal supporter. Trump has, however, suggested that he would consider donating his own plasma for this purpose. [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-donate-plasma-covid-19-coronavirus/] {{misattributed end}} ==Quotes about Trump== <small> See [[Quotes about Donald Trump]]</small> ==See also== * [[Donald Trump on social media]] * [[Donald Trump Jr.]] * [[Impeachment of Donald Trump]] * [[List of presidents of the United States]] * [[First presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Racial views of Donald Trump]] * [[Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections]] * [[2020 United States presidential election]] == External links== {{Sister project links|w=Donald Trump|wikt=no|b=no|s=Author:Donald Trump|commons=Donald Trump|n=Donald Trump|v=no|species=no|d=Q22686|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}} * [https://www.donaldjtrump.com/ Official website] * [https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/06/23/opinion/trumps-lies.html "Trump's Lies"] by [[w:David Leonhardt|David Leonhardt]] and Stuart A. Thompson - a catalog of "nearly every outright lie he has told publicly" in his first five months in office, in ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' (23 June 2017) {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Trump, Donald}} [[Category:Donald Trump| ]] [[Category:1946 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Businesspeople from New York City]] [[Category:Businesspeople in real estate]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:Politicians from Florida]] [[Category:Politicians from New York City]] [[Category:Presbyterians from the United States]] [[Category:Presidents of the United States]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Nationalists]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:Producers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Television personalities]] [[Category:Television producers]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2000]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2016]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2020]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2024]] [[Category:University of Pennsylvania alumni]] stxw2n1no25ybcrtimdcb7acluojv1u 0 3244 3955145 3922700 2026-06-21T21:08:32Z WereSpielChequers 167087 c/e 3955145 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sir Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington.png|thumb|right|Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.]] '''[[w: Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]]''' ([[1 May]] [[1769]] – [[14 September]] [[1852]]) was a British soldier and statesman. Rising to prominence during the [[w:Peninsular War|Peninsular War]], he became a national hero in [[United Kingdom|Britain]] after the [[w:Napoleonic Wars|Napoleonic Wars]] during which he led the victorious Anglo-Allied forces at the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]]. He later became [[Prime Minister of the United Kingdom]] on two separate occasions. ==Quotes== [[File:Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington by Robert Home.jpg|thumb|right|It has been a damned nice thing — the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life.]] [[File:Francisco Goya - Portrait of the Duke of Wellington.jpg|thumb|right|The history of a battle, is not unlike the history of a ball. Some individuals may recollect all the little events of which the great result is the battle won or lost, but no individual can recollect the order in which, or the exact moment at which, they occurred, which makes all the difference as to their value or importance.]] [[File:The Duke of Wellington on Copenhagen (1818) by Thomas Lawrence.jpg|thumb|right|All the business of war, and indeed all the business of life, is to endeavour to find out what you don't know by what you do; that's what I called "guessing what was at the other side of the hill."]] [[File:His Grace the Duke of Wellington.jpg|thumb|right|Publish and be damned.]] [[File:Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington.jpg|thumb|right|There is no mistake; there has been no mistake; and there shall be no mistake.]] [[File:Wellington 20050728.jpg|thumb|right|The only thing I am afraid of is fear.]] * '''I have seen their backs before, madam.''' ** This is attributed to Wellington as a statement to an unidentified woman at a reception in Vienna, who had apologized for the rudeness of some French officers who had turned their backs on him when he entered, as quoted in ''The Guinness Book of Military Anecdotes'' (1992), by Geoffrey Regan, [https://books.google.cl/books?id=aarPgpKPA0oC&q=vienna+I%27ve+seen+their+backs+before,+madam&dq=vienna+I%27ve+seen+their+backs+before,+madam&hl=es-419&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiyz4SKk93sAhVyBtQKHZx7AjsQ6AEwAHoECAAQAg page 27] ** Variant: 'Tis of no matter, your Highness, I have seen their backs before. ** This is attributed to Wellington as a statement to [[w:King Louis XVIII|King Louis XVIII]] at a ball in the spring of 1814, as quoted in [http://www.wellsoc.org/Anecdotes.htm "Anecdotes of Wellington" at The Wellington Society of Madrid] * '''I believe I forgot to tell you I was made a Duke.''' ** Postscript to a letter to his brother [[w:Henry Wellesley, 1st Baron Cowley|Henry Wellesley]] (22 May 1814), published in ''Supplementary Despatches and Memoranda of Field Marshal Arthur, Duke of Wellington, K. G.: South of France, embassy to Paris, and Congress of Vienna, 1814-1815. Editors: Arthur Richard Wellesley Duke of Wellington, Arthur Richard Wellesley Wellington (2d Duke of). Editor: J. Murray, 1862. Origin of the original: Universidad de Michigan. Digitized: 28 November 2006. p. 100. [[w:Arthur Wellesley, 2nd Duke of Wellington|Arthur Wellesley, 2nd Duke of Wellington]] * '''[[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon]] has humbugged me, by God'''; he has gained twenty-four hours' march on me. ** At the [[w:Duchess of Richmond's ball|Duchess of Richmond's ball]] (15 June 1815), as quoted in ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/9460 Camps, Quarters, and Casual Places]'' (1896) by [[w:Archibald Forbes|Archibald Forbes]], quotes Captain Bowles account and citing the ''Letters of the First Earl of Malmesbury''. *'''Who will attack first tomorrow? I or Bonaparte?'''<br>-Bonaparte.<br>-'''Well, Bonaparte has not given me any idea of his projects, and as my plans will depend on his, how can you expect to tell me what mine are?''' ** Wellington's response, on the night of 17th June 1815, to [[w:Henry Paget, 1st Marquess of Anglesey|The Earl of Uxbridge]]'s (his second-in-command) request to know the British Army's "plans" for the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|battle]] expected the following day; quoted in [[Bernard Cornwell]]'s ''Waterloo: The True Story of Four Days, Three Armies and Three Battles'' * '''Up, Guards, and at them again.''' ** Said at the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]], as quoted in a letter from a Captain Batty of the Foot Guards (22 June 1815), often misquoted as "Up Guards and at 'em." Wellington himself, years later, declared that he did not know exactly what he had said on the occasion, and doubted that anyone did. * '''Hard pounding this, gentlemen; let's see who will pound longest.''' ** At the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]] (18 June 1815), as quoted by Sir [[Walter Scott]], in ''Paul's Letters to His Kinsfolk'' (1815). * '''Uxbridge''': By God, sir, I've lost my leg!<br> '''Wellington''': By God, sir, so you have! ** Exchange said to have occurred at the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]] (18 June 1815), after [[w:Henry Paget, 1st Marquess of Anglesey|Lord Uxbridge]] lost [[w:Lord Uxbridge's leg|his leg]] to a cannonball; as quoted in ''Oxford Dictionary of National Biography'' (2004) ** Variant account: <br> '''Uxbridge''': I have lost my leg, by God!<br>'''Wellington''': By God, and have you! *** [[Thomas Hardy]], in ''The Dynasts,'' Pt. III Act VII, scene viii, portraying the incident. * '''Give me night or give me [[w:Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher|Blücher]].''' **Comment made at a crisis point during the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]] at about 5.45 pm on 18 June. ''The Military Maxims of Napoleon'' by Napoleon Bonaparte, David G. Chandler, William E. Cairnes , [http://books.google.co.uk/books?um=1&spell=1&q=%22Give+me%0D%0Anight+or+give+me+Blucher%22+was+the+Duke%27s+prayer+at+about+5.45+pm+on+18+June.%0D%0Anight+or+give+me+Blucher%22+wellington&btnG=Search+Books p. 143] Alternatively wording may have been "'''Night or the Prussians must come'''": quoted by David Howarth, page 162, "Waterloo: Day of Battle", ISBN=0-88365-273-0 * My heart is broken by the terrible loss I have sustained in my old friends and companions and my poor soldiers. '''Believe me, nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won: the bravery of my troops hitherto saved me from the greater evil; but to win such a battle as this of Waterloo, at the expense of so many gallant friends, could only be termed a heavy misfortune but for the result to the public.''' ** Letter from the field of Waterloo (June 1815), as quoted in ''Decisive Battles of the World'' (1899) by Edward Shepherd Creasy. Quoted too in ''Memorable Battles in English History: Where Fought, why Fought, and Their Results; with the Military Lives of the Commanders'' by William Henry Davenport Adams; Editor Griffith and Farran, 1863. p. 400. * '''It has been a damned serious business'''... [[w:Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher|Blucher]] and I have lost 30,000 men. '''It has been a damned nice thing — the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life.''' … By God! I don't think it would have been done if I had not been there. ** Remark to [[w:Thomas Creevey|Thomas Creevey]] (18 June 1815), using the word [[wikt:nice|nice]] in an older sense of "uncertain, delicately balanced", about the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]]. Creevy, a civilian, got a public interview with Wellington at headquarters, and quoted the remark in his book ''Creevey Papers'' (1903), in Ch. X, on p. 236; the phrase "a damned nice thing" has sometimes been paraphrased as "a damn close-run thing." * '''They came on in the same old way, and we sent them back in the same old way.''' **About the French attacks at the Battle of Waterloo, quoted in Roberts, Andrew (2010); ''Napoleon and Wellington''; Hachette, UK; ISBN 0297865269. * '''The history of a battle, is not unlike the history of a ball. Some individuals may recollect all the little events of which the great result is the battle won or lost, but no individual can recollect the order in which, or the exact moment at which, they occurred, which makes all the difference as to their value or importance.''' ** Letter to John Wilson Croker (8 August 1815), as quoted in ''[[w:The History of England from the Accession of James the Second|The History of England from the Accession of James II]]'' (1848) by [[w:Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], [http://www.worldwideschool.org/library/books/hst/european/TheHistoryofEnglandfromtheAccessionofJamesIIVol1/chap5.html Volume I Chapter 5], p. 180.; and in ''The Waterloo Letters'' (1891) edited by H. T. Sibome * '''Just to show you how little reliance can be placed even on what are supposed the best accounts of a battle, I mention that there are some circumstances mentioned in General —'s account which did not occur as he relates them. It is impossible to say when each important occurrence took place, or in what order.''' ** Wellington's papers (17 August 1815), as quoted in ''[[w:The History of England from the Accession of James the Second|The History of England from the Accession of James II]]'' (1848) by [[w:Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]] * '''Publish and be damned.''' ** His response in 1824 to [[w:John Joseph Stockdale|John Joseph Stockdale]] who threatened to publish anecdotes of Wellington and his mistress [[w:Harriette Wilson|Harriette Wilson]], as quoted in ''Wellington — The Years of the Sword'' (1969) by Elizabeth Longford. This has commonly been recounted as a response made to Wilson herself, in response to a threat to publish her memoirs and his letters. This account of events seems to have started with ''Confessions of Julia Johnstone In Contradiction to the Fables of Harriette Wilson'' (1825), where she makes such an accusation, and states that his reply had been "'''write and be damned'''". *The national character of the three kingdoms was strongly marked in my army. I found the English regiments always in the best humour when we were well supplied with beef; the Irish when we were in the wine countries, and the Scotch when the dollars for pay came up. This looks like an epigram, but I assure you it was a fact, and quite perceptible; but we managed to reconcile all their tempers, and I will venture to say that in our later campaigns, and especially when we crossed the Pyrenees, there never was an army in the world in better spirits, better order, or better discipline. We had mended in discipline every campaign, until at last (smiling) I hope we were pretty near perfect. **Remarks to John Wilson Croker (20 October 1825), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. I'' (1884), p. 353 *[[Napoleon Bonaparte|Buonaparte]]'s mind was, in its details, low and ungentlemanlike. I suppose the narrowness of his early prospects and habits stuck to him; what ''we'' understand by ''gentlemanlike'' feelings he knew nothing at all about. **Remarks to John Wilson Croker (1826), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. I'' (1884), p. 339 *The [[Charles Grey, 2nd Earl Grey|noble Earl]] had alluded to the propriety of effecting [[w:Parliamentary reform|Parliamentary Reform]]. The noble Earl had, however, been candid enough to acknowledge that he was not prepared with any measure of reform, and he could have no scruple in saying that his Majesty's Government was as totally unprepared with any plan as the noble Lord. Nay, he, on his own part, would go further, and say, that he had never read or heard of any measure up to the present moment which could in any degree satisfy his mind that the state of the representation could be improved, or be rendered more satisfactory to the country at large than at the present moment... He was fully convinced that the country possessed at the present moment a Legislature which answered all the good purposes of legislation, and this to a greater degree than any Legislature ever had answered in any country whatever. He would go further and say, that the Legislature and the system of representation possessed the full and entire confidence of the country—deservedly possessed that confidence—and the discussions in the Legislature had a very great influence over the opinions of the country. He would go still further and say, that if at the present moment he had imposed upon him the duty of forming a Legislature for any country, and particularly for a country like this, in possession of great property of various descriptions, he did not mean to assert that he could form such a Legislature as they possessed now, for the nature of man was incapable of reaching such excellence at once; but his great endeavour would be, to form some description of legislature which would produce the same results. The representation of the people at present contained a large body of the property of the country, and in which the landed interests had a preponderating influence. Under these circumstances, he was not prepared to bring forward any measure of the description alluded to by the noble Lord. '''He was not only not prepared to bring forward any measure of this nature, but he would at once declare that as far as he was concerned, as long as he held any station in the government of the country, he should always feel it his duty to resist such measures when proposed by others.''' **[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/lords/1830/nov/02/address-is-answer-to-the-speech#column_52 Speech] in the House of Lords (2 November 1830) * '''I never saw so many shocking bad hats in my life.''' ** When asked what he thought of the first Reformed Parliament (1832), as quoted in ''Words on Wellington'' (1889) by [[w:Sir William Fraser, 4th Baron|Sir William Fraser]], p. 12 *The revolution is made, that is to say, that power is transferred from one class of society, the gentlemen of England, professing the faith of the [[Church of England]], to another class of society, the shopkeepers, being [[w:English Dissenters|dissenters]] from the Church, many of them [[w:Socinianism|Socinians]], others [[Atheism|atheists]]. I don't think that the influence of property in this country is in the abstract diminished. That is to say, that the gentry have as many followers and influence as many voters at elections as ever they did. But a new [[Democracy|democratic]] influence has been introduced into [[Elections in the United Kingdom|elections]], the copy-holders and free-holders and lease-holders residing in towns which do not themselves return members to [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliament]]. These are all dissenters from the Church, and are everywhere a formidably active party against the [[Aristocracy|aristocratic]] influence of the [[w:Landed gentry|Landed Gentry]]. But this is not all. There are dissenters in every village in the country; they are the blacksmith, the carpenter, the mason, &c. &c. The new influence established in the towns has drawn these to their party; and it is curious to see to what a degree it is a dissenting interest. **Letter to John Wilson Croker (6 March 1833), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. II'' (1884), pp. 205-206 *The foreign policy of England should be to maintain peace, not only for herself but between the powers of the world. This should be her policy, not only because she can have no interest in a change of the state of possession of the several powers...but because she has the most extensive commercial relations depending upon peace with each and all the powers of the world, the interruption of which must be injurious to her prosperity. **Letter to John Wilson Croker (30 September 1833), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. II'' (1884), p. 218 *I believe that if ever we are to come to blows with the Russians in India we must rely upon our [[w:Sepoy|sepoys]], as we have in all our wars there with European as well as with native powers. These with our superior knowledge of the art of war in that country and our superior equipment, founded upon our knowledge of the resources of the seat of the war, the character of the natives and other circumstances, will give us advantages which will more than counter balance the supposed inferiority of our troops. **Letter (1834), quoted in John Brooke and Julia Gandy (eds.), ''The Prime Minister's Papers: Wellington. Political Correspondence: 1833–November 1834'' (1975), p. 457 *Buonaparte's whole life, civil, political, and military, was a fraud. There was not a transaction, great or small, in which lying and fraud were not introduced. **Letter to John Wilson Croker (29 December 1835), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. II'' (1884), p. 287 *[[Napoleon Bonaparte|Buonaparte]]'s [[foreign policy]] was force and menace, aided by fraud and corruption. If the fraud was discovered, force and menace succeeded; and in most cases the unfortunate victim did not dare to avow that he perceived the fraud. **Letter to John Wilson Croker (29 December 1835), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. II'' (1884), p. 288 *The real question that now divides the country and which truly divides the House of Commons, is church or no church. People talk of the war in [[Spain]], and the [[Canada]] question. But all that is of little moment. The real question is church or no church. **Statement (1838), quoted in John Morley, ''The Life of William Ewart Gladstone, Vol. I'' (1903), p. 155 *There is not a [[Muslim|Moslem]] heart in [[Asia]], from [[Beijing|Pekin]] to [[Constantinople]], which will not vibrate, when reflecting upon the fact that the [[Europe|European]] ladies, and other females attached to the [[British Army|troops]] at [[Kabul|Cabul]], were made over to the tender mercies of the Moslem chief, who had with his own hand murdered the representative of the British Government at the Court of the Sovereign of [[Afghanistan]]... It is impossible to impress upon you too strongly the notion of the importance of the restoration of our reputation in the East. Our enemies in [[France]], the [[United States]], and wherever found, are now rejoicing in our disasters and degradation. You will teach them that their triumph is premature. **Letter to [[w:Edward Law, 1st Earl of Ellenborough|Lord Ellenborough]] on the [[w:First Anglo-Afghan War|First Afghan War]] (31 March 1842), quoted in Charles Stuart Parker (ed.), ''Sir Robert Peel from His Private Papers, Volume II'' (1899), p. 582 * '''Who? Who?''' ** Repeatedly asked in a loud voice in February 1852, during the introduction of the new cabinet of the Prime Minister [[w:Edward Smith-Stanley, 14th Earl of Derby|the Earl of Derby]], composed largely of political unknowns not recognized by the deaf and octogenarian Duke. The cabinet became known as the [[w:Who? Who? Ministry|Who? Who? Ministry]]. As quoted in ''The Speeches of the Duke of Wellington in Parliament'' (1854) edited by John Gurwood and [[William Hazlitt]], p. 272. * '''All the business of war, and indeed all the business of life, is to endeavour to find out what you don't know by what you do; that's what I called "guessing what was at the other side of the hill." ** Remarks to John Wilson Croker and Croker's wife (4 September 1852), quoted in L. J. Jennings (ed.), ''The Croker Papers: The Correspondence and Diaries of the Late Right Honourable John Wilson Croker, LL.D., F.R.S., Secretary to the Admiralty from 1809 to 1830, Vol. III'' (1884), p. 276 ===''Notes of Conversations with the Duke of Wellington'' (1886)=== :<small>Quotes of Wellington from ''Notes of Conversations with the Duke of Wellington'' (1886) by [[w:Philip Stanhope, 5th Earl Stanhope|Philip Henry Stanhope]]</small> * '''I used to say of him that his presence on the field made the difference of forty thousand men.''' ** On [[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon Bonaparte]], in notes for 2 November 1831; later, in the notes for 18 September 1836, he is quoted as saying: :: It is very true that I have said that I considered Napoleon's presence in the field equal to forty thousand men in the balance. This is a very loose way of talking; but the idea is a very different one from that of his presence at a battle being equal to a reinforcement of forty thousand men. * '''The only thing I am afraid of is fear.''' ** Referring to a cholera outbreak in London, 1831 ** Notes for 3 November 1831. * '''The [[France|French]] system of conscription brings together a fair sample of all classes; ours is composed of the scum of the earth — the mere scum of the earth. It is only wonderful that we should be able to make so much out of them afterwards.''' ** Speaking about soldiers in the British Army, 4 November 1813 ** A French army is composed very differently from ours. The conscription calls out a share of every class — no matter whether your son or my son — all must march; but our friends — I may say it in this room — are the very scum of the earth. People talk of their enlisting from their fine military feeling — all stuff — no such thing. Some of our men enlist from having got bastard children — some for minor offences — many more for drink; but you can hardly conceive such a set brought together, and it really is wonderful that we should have made them the fine fellows they are. *** Notes for 11 November 1831. * '''My rule always was to do the business of the day in the day.''' ** Notes for 2 November 1835. * '''Circumstances over which I have no control.''' ** Phrase said to have first been used by Wellington, as quoted in notes for 18 September 1836 ** I hope you will not think I am deficient in feeling toward you, or that I am wanting in desire to serve you, because the results of my attempts have failed, owing to circumstances over which I have no control. *** As quoted in [http://www.archive.org/details/lifelettersoflad00clevuoft ''The Life and Letters of Lady Hester Stanhope'' (1914)] edited by Catherine Lucy Wilhelmina Powlett, Duchess of Cleveland * '''They wanted this iron fist to command them.''' ** Of troops sent to the Canadian frontier in the [[w:War of 1812|War of 1812]], in notes for 8 November 1840. ==Undated== * '''Pour la canaille: Faut la mitraille.''' ** Translation: "For the mob, use [[w:Grapeshot|grapeshot]]." ** Quoted in "[https://archive.org/details/portionofjournal02raik/ A portion of the journal kept by Thomas Raikes, esq.], from 1831 to 1847; comprising reminiscences of social and political life in London and Paris during that period.", volume 2. London: Longman, Brown, Green, Longmans and Roberts, 1858. ** Also attributed to [[w:Victor-François, 2nd duc de Broglie|Victor-François, 2nd duc de Broglie]]<ref>https://www.ewtn.com/catholicism/library/blessed-julie-billiart-foundress-of-the-congregation-of-sisters-of-notre-dame-5246</ref> * '''Mistaken for me, is he? That's strange, for no one ever mistakes me for Mr. Jones.''' ** In response to being told that the painter [[w:George Jones (painter)|George Jones]] bore a strong resemblance to him, and that he was often mistaken for him, as quoted in ''My Autobiography and Reminiscences'' Vol. 1 (1887). * '''If you believe that you will believe anything.''' ** In reply to a man who greeted him in the street with the words "Mr. Jones, I believe?", as quoted in ''Wellington — The Years of the Sword'' (1969) by [[w:Elizabeth Pakenham, Countess of Longford|Elizabeth Longford]]. * '''You must build your House of Parliament on the river: so... that the populace cannot exact their demands by sitting down round you.''' ** As quoted in ''Words on Wellington'' (1889), by [[w:Sir William Fraser, 4th Baron|Sir William Fraser]], p. 163. * '''I have no small talk and [[w:Robert Peel|Peel]] has no manners.''' ** As quoted in ''Collections and Recollections'' (1898) by [[w:George William Erskine Russell|G. W. E. Russell]], ch.14. * '''We always have been, we are, and I hope that we always shall be, detested in France.''' ** As quoted in ''Wellington and His Friends'' (1965) by [[w:Gerald Wellesley, 7th Duke of Wellington|Gerald Wellesley, 7th Duke of Wellington]], p. 138, and in [http://www.economist.com/printedition/displayStory.cfm?story_id=4079435 ''The Economist'' (16 June 2005)] * '''I should have given more praise.''' ** As quoted in ''A History of Warfare'' (1968) by [[Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein]]: "Sir [[Winston Churchill]] once told me of a reply made by the Duke of Wellington, in his last years, when a friend asked him: "If you had your life over again, is there any way in which you could have done better?" The old Duke replied: "Yes, I should have given more praise." * '''Depend upon it, Sir, nothing will come of them!''' ** On the coming of the railways, in ''The Birth of the Modern'' (1991), by Paul Johnson. p. 993. * '''There is no mistake; there has been no mistake; and there shall be no mistake.''' ** In response to [[w:William Huskisson|William Huskisson]] declaring there had been a mistake, and he had not intended to resign, after Wellington chose to interpret a letter to him detailing his obligation to vote for a measure opposed by him as a letter of resignation. As quoted in ''The Military and Political Life of Arthur Wellesley: Duke of Wellington'' (1852) by "A Citizen of the World", and in ''Wellingtoniana'' (1852), edited by John Timbs * '''During the [[w:Peninsula War|Peninsula War]], I heard a [[Portugal|Portuguese]] general address his troops before a battle with the words, "Remember men, you are Portuguese!"''' ** Wellington's reply when asked, late in his life, what was the most inane remark he had ever heard, as quoted in ''Journals of Alec Guinness'' (February 1998) by [[Alec Guinness]] *'''Sparrow-hawks, Ma'am''' ** [[w:Queen Victoria|Queen Victoria]], concerned about the sparrows that had nested in the roof of the partly finished [[w:Crystal Palace|Crystal Palace]], asked Wellington's advice as to how to get rid of them. Wellington’s reply was succinct and to the point, '''Sparrow-hawks, Ma'am'''. He was right, by the time the Crystal Palace was opened by the Queen in 1851, they had all gone!<ref>[http://www.historic-uk.com/HistoryUK/HistoryofBritain/Duke-of-Wellington/ Historic UK]</ref> *'''Not at all. If I had lost the battle, they would have shot me.''' ** Wellington's retort when he was asked if he felt honored at being feted as a hero by the people of Brussels after returning victorious from Waterloo, according to Sir [[w:John Keegan|John Keegan]]'s chapter on Wellington in his book ''The Mask of Command'' * '''At first it was a lie, then a strong delusion, and at last downright madness.''' ** Wellington's assessment of George IV's claims that he had been present at the Battle of Waterloo as later recalled by [[John Russell, 1st Earl Russell|Earl Russell]], quoted in ''Lady John Russell: A Memoir'' (1910), edited by Desmond McCarthy and Agatha Russell. p. 221 {{disputed begin}} == Disputed == [[File:Arthur Wellesley by John Hoppner.jpg|thumb|right|As Lord Chesterfield said of the generals of his day, "I only hope that when the enemy reads the list of their names, he trembles as I do."]] * '''I don't know what effect these men will have on the enemy, but by God, they terrify me.''' ** Said to be his remarks on a draft of new troops sent to him in Spain (1809), as quoted in ''A New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles from Ancient and Modern Sources'' (1942) by [[H. L. Mencken]], this quote is disputed, and may be derived from a comment made to Colonel [[w:Robert Torrens (economist)|Robert Torrens]] about some of his generals in a despatch (29 August 1810): "'''As Lord Chesterfield said of the generals of his day, "I only hope that when the enemy reads the list of their names, he trembles as I do.'''" * '''[I don't] care a twopenny damn what [becomes] of the ashes of [[Napoleon Bonaparte]].''' ** As quoted in ''The Times'' [London] (9 October 1944); this attribution probably originates in a letter by [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay]] (6 March 1849), in which he states "How they settle the matter '''I care not''', as the duke says, '''one twopenny damn'''." {{disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * If a gentleman happens to be born in a stable, it does not follow that he should be called a horse. ** As quoted in ''Genetic Studies in Joyce'' (1995) by David Hayman and Sam Slote. Though such remarks have often been quoted as Wellington's response on being called Irish, the earliest published sources yet found for similar comments are those ''about'' him attributed to an Irish politician: ** '''The poor old Duke! what shall I say of him? To be sure he was born in Ireland, but being born in a stable does not make a man a horse.''' *** [[w:Daniel O'Connell|Daniel O'Connell]], in a speech (16 October 1843), as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=dpKbWonMghwC&pg=PA93&dq=%22+make+a+man+a+horse%22&num=100&ei=0YVZSIWXCIiSjgG37bGIDA ''Shaw's Authenticated Report of the Irish State Trials'' (1844), p. 93] ** '''No, he is not an Irishman. He was born in Ireland; but being born in a stable does not make a man a horse.''' *** [[w:Daniel O'Connell|Daniel O'Connell]] during a speech (16 October 1843), as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=zWETAAAAYAAJ&pg=PT108&dq=%22+make+a+man+a+horse%22&num=100&ei=MohZSJ-PK4a4jgG-lLGJDA ''Reports of State Trials: New Series'' Volume V, 1843 to 1844 (1893) "The Queen Against O'Connell and Others", p. 206] ** Variants: If a man be born in a stable, that does not make him a horse. *** Quoted as as an anonymous proverb in ''Dictionary of Quotations from Ancient and Modern English and Foreign Sources'' (1899), p. 171 ** Because a man is born in a stable that does not make him a horse. *** Quoted as a dubious statement perhaps made early in his career in ''The Concise Oxford Dictionary of Proverbs'' (1992) edited by John Simpson and Jennifer Speake, p. 162. * The Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton. ** As quoted in ''The New York Times'' (26 December 1886), and in ''Words on Wellington'' (1889) by [[w:Sir William Fraser, 4th Baron|Sir William Fraser]], this is almost certainly apocryphal. The first attributions of such a remark to Wellington were in ''De l'Avenir politique de l'Angleterre'' (1856) by [[w:Charles Forbes René de Montalembert|Charles de Montalembert]], Ch. 10, where it is stated that on returning to Eton in old age he had said: "'''''C'est ici qu'a été gagnée la bataille de Waterloo.'''''" This was afterwards quoted in ''Self-Help'' (1859) by Samuel Smiles as "'''It was there that the Battle of Waterloo was won!'''" Later in ''Memoirs of Eminent Etonians'' (2nd Edition, 1876) by Sir [[w:Edward Creasy|Edward Creasy]], he is quoted as saying as he passed groups playing cricket on the playing-fields: "'''There grows the stuff that won Waterloo.'''" ** [[w:Elizabeth Pakenham, Countess of Longford|Elizabeth Longford]] in ''Wellington — The Years of the Sword'' (1969) states he "probably never said or thought anything of the kind" and [[w:Gerald Wellesley, 7th Duke of Wellington|Gerald Wellesley, 7th Duke of Wellington]] in a letter published in ''The Times'' in 1972 is quoted as stating: "During his old age Wellington is recorded to have visited Eton on two occasions only and it is unlikely that he came more often. … Wellington's career at Eton was short and inglorious and, unlike his elder brother, he had no particular affection for the place. … Quite apart from the fact that the authority for attributing the words to Wellington is of the flimsiest description, to anyone who knows his turn of phrase they ring entirely false." {{Misattributed end}} ==Quotes about the Duke of Wellington== *[N]o man better exemplified the best qualities of the English ruling class than the Duke of Wellington, with his high-nosed aristocratic confidence and direct simplicity of speech and manners; a man remarkable for hard-minded good sense, steady nerve and a character as true and tough as the metal of a cannon. In Wellington [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had come up against an officer with the same simple resolve to do his duty as Colonel Maillard who had held the Citadel of Ajaccio against him in 1792. In Wellington also Bonaparte had come up against by far the most formidable opponent of his career, alike because of the Englishman's professionalism, his force of leadership and his sheer strength of will. **[[Correlli Barnett]], ''Bonaparte'' (1978), p. 206 *As one reads through the twelve portly volumes of [[w:John Gurwood|Gurwood]]'s edition of the ''Dispatches'', one cannot but be amazed by the variety of knowledge, the clarity of exposition, the attention to detail, the relentless supervision or inspiration of such manifold activities—military, administrative and diplomatic. **[[w:Antony Brett-James|Antony Brett-James]], ''Wellington at War, 1794–1815: A Selection of His Wartime Letters'' (1961), p. xxix *Madame de Maurville now told me that an English commissary was just arrived from the army [at Waterloo], who had assured her that the tide of success was completely turned to the side of the Allies... [S]he...returned escorted by Mr. Saumarez himself. His narration was all triumphant, and his account of the Duke of Wellington might almost have seemed an exaggerated panegyric if it had painted some warrior in a chivalresque romance. He was everywhere, he said; the eye could turn in no direction that it did not perceive him, either at hand or at a distance; galloping to charge the enemy, or darting across the field to issue orders. Every ball also, he said, seemed fired, and every gun aimed at him; yet nothing touched him; he seemed as impervious for safety as he was dauntless for courage: while danger all the time relentlessly environed him, and wounds or death continually robbed him of the services of some one of the bravest of those who were near to him. But he suffered nothing to check or engage him that belonged to personal interest or feeling; his entire concentrated attention, exclusive aim, and intense thought were devoted impartially, imperturbably, and grandly to the Whole, the All. **[[w:Frances Burney|Frances Burney]], ''Diary and Letters of Madame d'Arblay, Vol. VII. 1813—1840'' (1846), pp. 168-169 *We were considering in the Cabinet how the [[w:Chartism|Chartists]] should be dealt with, and when it was determined that the procession should be stopped after it had moved, we agreed that the particular place where it should be stopped was purely a military question. The Duke of Wellington was requested to come to us, which he did very readily. We had then a regular Council of War, as upon the eve of a great battle. We examined maps and returns and information of the movements of the enemy. After long deliberation, plans of attack and defence were formed to meet every contingency. The quickness, intelligence, and decision which the Duke displayed were very striking, and he inspired us all with perfect confidence by the dispositions which he prescribed... It was not I alone who was struck with the consultation yesterday. [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Macaulay]] said to me that he considered it the most interesting spectacle he had ever witnessed, and that he should remember it to his dying day. **[[w:John Campbell, 1st Baron Campbell|John Campbell]] to his brother (9 April 1848), quoted in Lord Campbell, ''Lives of the Lord Chancellors and Keepers of the Great Seal of England: From the Earliest Times till the Reign of Queen Victoria, Volume 12'' (1881), pp. 304-305 *Last night at a grand ball at Bath House... By far the most interesting figure present was the old Duke of Wellington, who appeared between twelve and one, and slowly glided through the rooms—truly a beautiful old man; I had never seen till now how beautiful, and what an expression of graceful simplicity, veracity, and nobleness there is about the old hero when you see him close at hand. His very size had hitherto deceived me. He is a shortish slightish figure, about five feet eight, of good breadth however, and all muscle or bone... Eyes beautiful light blue, full of mild valour, with infinitely more faculty and geniality than I had fancied before; the face wholly gentle, wise, valiant, and venerable. The voice too, as I again heard, is "aquiline" clear, perfectly equable—uncracked, that is—and perhaps almost musical, but essentially tenor or almost treble voice—eighty-two, I understand. He glided slowly along, slightly saluting this and that other, clear, clean, fresh as this June evening itself, till the silver buckle of his stock vanished into the door of the next room, and I saw him no more. **[[Thomas Carlyle]], journal entry (25 June 1850), quoted in James Anthony Froude, ''Thomas Carlyle: A History of His Life in London, 1834–1881, Vol. II'' (1884), pp. 38-39 *I shall express a strong wish to see him here [in Paris], if he can manage it. I wish he would at the outset undertake this embassy. His military name would give him and us the greatest ascendency. **[[Robert Stewart, Viscount Castlereagh|Lord Castlereagh]] to Lord Liverpool (13 April 1814), quoted in Archibald Alison, ''Lives of Lord Castlereagh and Sir Charles Stewart, The Second and Third Marquesses of Londonderry, With Annals of Contemporary Events in Which They Bore a Part: From the Original Papers of the Family, Vol. II'' (1861), pp. 464-465 *This was the death-year of the Great Duke—the "Iron Duke," as we so often called him. Living in Knightsbridge, about a quarter of a mile beyond [[w:Apsley House|Apsley House]], I had to pass by his dwelling every time that I went into the heart of London; and saw him, sometimes, every day for weeks together. What a fascination, what an irresistible attraction there was about that grand old man! How all the memorable doings of our century seemed to gather around him, as you looked at his rigid, stern figure! I often walked close by his horse, for half a mile out of my way, marking his bearing, and noting the uniform "military tip," of his forefinger towards his forehead, that he gave to all those, great or little, who took off their hats to him; and there were usually scores who did this... I remembered his opposition to Reform... But all this had passed away; and Wellington had become not only the great pillar of State and most valued counsellor of his [[Victoria of the United Kingdom|Queen]]; but, next to her, the most deeply respected and most heartily honoured person in the realm. Everybody liked to see "the Duke"; and no one would hear a word against him. Soldiers—old soldiers—they idolized him. They regarded him as the very personification of English valour and English sagacity. Politicians—they all had a glance towards him when they contemplated new measures. He was an institution in himself. We all felt as if we lived, now he was dead, in a different England. **[[w:Thomas Cooper (poet)|Thomas Cooper]], ''The Life of Thomas Cooper'' (1872), pp. 329-330 *The funeral of the Great Duke was the most impressive grand spectacle I ever beheld... The varied costume of the English regiments mingled with the kilted [[w:Highland regiments|Highlanders]], and [[w:Lancer|Lancers]] and [[w:Life Guards (United Kingdom)|Life Guards]] with the [[w:Royal Scots Greys|Scotch Greys]], rendered the vision picturesque as well as stately. But it was upon the huge funeral car, and the led charger in front of it, that all eyes gazed most wistfully:—above all, it was upon the crimson-velvet covered coffin, ''upon'' the vast pall—not covered by it, borne aloft, on the car, with the white-plumed cocked hat, and the sword and marshal's baton lying upon the coffin, that all gazed most intently. I watched it—I stretched my neck to get the last sight of the car as it passed along Piccadilly, till it was out of sight; and then I thought the great connecting link of our national life was broken: the great actor in the scenes of the [[w:Peninsular War|Peninsula]] and [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Waterloo]]—the conqueror of [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]]—and the chief name in our home political life for many years,—had disappeared. I seemed to myself to belong now to another generation of men; for my childhood was passed amid the noise about Wellington's battles, and his name and existence seemed stamped on every year of our time. **[[w:Thomas Cooper (poet)|Thomas Cooper]], ''The Life of Thomas Cooper'' (1872), pp. 332-333 *[I]t is customary to say—and nothing is more true—that the most economical Government we ever had in England was the Government of the Duke of Wellington. Why was that Government so economical? Because the Duke of Wellington paid the greatest possible attention of any Minister who ever ruled in this country to the interests and business of England abroad. He attended to them so successfully and so sedulously that during his administration we were not involved in expensive wars; we did not get into difficulties in which we were obliged to have recourse to expensive arbitration...and I repeat it was essentially by his attention to foreign affairs, and by his knowledge of foreign affairs...that he was able to make his an economical Government and had not to appeal, as has been our custom of late, for increased armaments. **[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in Newport Pagnell (4 February 1874), quoted in ''The Times'' (5 February 1874), p. 5 *Met dear [[w:Andrew Barnard|Sir Andrew Barnard]] at [[w:Apsley House|Apsley House]]... Told me the best troops we had at [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Waterloo]] were almost all second battalions, scarcely out of the goose-step. They stood, and hammered away as well as the oldest, but it would have been very hazardous to have manoeuvred with them under fire as with the old Peninsulars. The Duke said of [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]] during the action: "D—n the fellow, he is a mere pounder after all." ... I asked him (Sir Andrew) if he had any anxiety about the result. He said, "Oh no, except for the Duke. We had a notion that while he was there nothing could go wrong." **[[w:Francis Egerton, 1st Earl of Ellesmere|Lord Ellesmere]], 'Note of a Memorandum' (6 May 1845), quoted in Lord Ellesmere, ''Personal Reminiscences of the Duke of Wellington'', ed. Alice, Countess of Strafford (1903), p. 179 *In so far as the conduct of campaigns...Wellington was a dangerous opponent. However, if that was the case, on the battlefield he was absolutely deadly. In the [[w:Peninsular War|Peninsula]] he triumphed, generally resoundingly so, over every French commander that came against him...while at [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Waterloo]] he held off [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]] himself for a full day at the head of an army that was not remotely comparable to the troops he had headed in Spain and Portugal... [I]t is evident that Wellington's icy manner reflected a cool detachment that allowed him constantly to out-think the enemy, to exploit any accident of ground to the full, to maximise the strong points of his own forces and to get the best out of his officers and men: liked he may not have been, but respect and confidence he inspired in abundance... In Wellington, then, Britain truly had one of the greatest generals of all time. **Charles Esdaile, 'Introduction', The Duke of Wellington, ''Military Dispatches'' (2014), pp. xxx-xxxi *Cold and indifferent, nay, apparently careless in the beginning of battles, when the moment of difficulty comes intelligence flashes from the eyes of this wonderful man; and he rises superior to all that can be imagined. **[[w:Augustus Simon Frazer|Augustus Frazer]], letter written after the Battle of Waterloo (20 June 1815), quoted in ''Letters of Colonel Sir Augustus Simon Frazer, K.C.B., Commanding the Royal Horse Artillery in the Army under the Duke of Wellington. Written during the Peninsular and Waterloo Campaigns'', ed. Edward Sabine (1859), p. 550 *In everything the Duke and [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]] stood in strong contrast one towards the other. Napoleon could not serve. He never undertook a trust in a subordinate situation which he did not divert to purposes of his aggrandisement. He never, when advanced to the pinnacle of power, entered into an engagement which he was not prepared, when it suited his own interests, to violate. The Duke was the most perfect servant of his King and country that the world ever saw. He flourished no doubt in a condition of society which presented insuperable obstacles to the accomplishment of ambitious projects, had he been unwise enough to entertain them: but there is proof in almost every line which he has written, in almost every word which he spoke, that, be the condition of society what it might, the one great object of his life would have been to secure the ascendancy of law and order, and to preserve the throne and the constitution of the country unharmed. Nor can you place your finger upon a single engagement into which the Duke ever entered, whether in private life as a member of society, or in public life as a general or a statesman, the terms of which were not rigidly fulfilled, however serious to himself the inconveniences might be. **[[w:George Gleig (priest)|George Robert Gleig]], ''The Life of Arthur, First Duke of Wellington'' (1862), p. 617 *In spite of some foibles and faults, he was, beyond all doubt, a very great man—the only great man of the present time—and comparable, in point of greatness, to the most eminent of those who have lived before him. His greatness was the result of a few striking qualities—a perfect simplicity of character without a particle of vanity or conceit, but with a thorough and strenuous self-reliance, a severe truthfulness, never misled by fancy or exaggeration, and an ever-abiding sense of duty and obligation which made him the humblest of citizens and most obedient of subjects. The Crown never possessed a more faithful, devoted, and disinterested subject. Without personal attachment to any of the monarchs whom he served, and fully understanding and appreciating their individual merits and demerits, he alike reverenced their great office in the persons of each of them, and would at any time have sacrificed his ease, his fortune, or his life, to serve the Sovereign and the State. Passing almost his whole life in command and authority, and regarded with universal deference and submission, his head was never turned by the exalted position he occupied, and there was no duty, however humble, he would not have been ready to undertake at the bidding of his lawful superiors, whose behests he would never have hesitated to obey. Notwithstanding his age and his diminished strength, he would most assuredly have gone anywhere and have accepted any post in which his personal assistance might have been essential to the safety or advantage of the realm. He had more pride in obeying than in commanding, and he never for a moment considered that his great position and elevation above all other subjects released him from the same obligation which the humblest of them acknowledged. He was utterly devoid of personal and selfish ambition, and there never was a man whose greatness was so thrust upon him. It was in this dispassionate unselfishness, and sense of duty and moral obligation, that he was so superior to [[Napoleon Bonaparte]]. **[[w:Charles Greville (diarist)|Charles Greville]], diary entry (18 September 1852), quoted in ''The Greville Diary, Including Passages Hitherto Withheld from Publication, Volume I'', ed. Philip Whitwell Wilson (1927), p. 172 *In [[William Ewart Gladstone|Mr. Gladstone]]'s view, it was difficult to overrate the influence for good which the Duke, by his commanding personality and personal weight, exercised over his fellow-peers in counselling them, for the first twenty years after the [[w:Reform Act 1832|Reform Act of 1832]], to be moderate, and in persuading them not to resist popular demands. **[[w:Edward Walter Hamilton|Edward Walter Hamilton]], ''Mr. Gladstone: A Monograph'' (1898), p. 171 *When did any nation wisely determine for order and freedom without enlisting at once the sympathies of England? England determines aid—and never did she possess, by the blessing of God, a subject and a soldier better calculated to carry out her intentions than General Sir Arthur Wellesley. **[[w:Charles Edward Kennaway|Charles Edward Kennaway]], ''The Law of Duty, Or, The Deeds and Difficulties of the Great Duke'' (1853), p. 27 *So we have at last lost our great Duke. Old as he was, and both bodily and mentally enfeebled by age, he still is a great loss to the country. His name was a tower of strength abroad, and his opinions and counsel were valuable at home. No man ever lived or died in the possession of more unanimous love, respect, and esteem from his countrymen. **[[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Lord Palmerston]] to Sir William Temple (17 September 1852), quoted in Evelyn Ashley, ''The Life and Correspondence of Henry John Temple, Viscount Palmerston, Vol. II'' (1879), p. 250 * Summoning the Duke of Richmond, who was to have command of the reserve when formed, he asked for a map. The two withdrew to an adjoining room. Wellington closed the door, and said, with an oath, "Napoleon has humbugged me." He then explained that he had ordered his army to concentrate at Quatre Bras, adding, "But we shall not stop him there; and if so, I must fight him here," marking Waterloo with his thumb-nail on the map as he spoke. It was not until the next morning that he left for the front. ** [[w:William Milligan Sloane|William Milligan Sloane]], on Wellington prior to the [[w:Battle of Waterloo|Battle of Waterloo]], in "the Eclipse of Napoleon's Glory" in ''The Century Illustrated Monthly Magazine'' Vol. LII, New Series Vol. XXX (May - October 1896), p. 883 <!-- Related but as yet unsourced quote or comment on Wellington at Waterloo: " * Wellington was at a ball in Brussels the night before the [[w:Battle of Quatre Bras|]], when an aide brought the news that the French army had invaded Belgium more than 18 hours earlier. He retired to a back room and supposedly said "Napoleon has humbugged me!" This may be true. However, he is next supposed to have unrolled a map, and placed a finger on the ridge below Waterloo, saying "And we will have to fight him here!", which is less likely. However, when the British position at Quatre Bras became untenable after the Prussian retreat from Ligne, Wellington withdrew directly to the Waterloo position, which is absolutely the best defensive position between Quatre Bras and Brussels, where the French were headed. Inspecting the ground, Wellington said to his 5th Division commander “It may surprise you to know Picton, that I spied this ground a year ago and I’ve since kept it in my pocket.” He must have known about it. Bounded on the right by the town of Braine l’ Alleud and an unfordable creek, the centre protected by stout farm buildings, walled gardens and châteaux, the left protected by the same, with the whole shielded by a long ridge line and sunken roads that allowed both protection and swift lateral movement, the ground allowed Wellington’s qualitatively and numerically inferior army to win the day. --> *Our own Wellington was a far greater man. Not less resolute, firm, and persistent, but much more self-denying, conscientious, and truly patriotic. [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]]'s aim was "Glory;" Wellington's watchword, like [[Horatio Nelson|Nelson]]'s, was "Duty." The former word, it is said, does not once occur in his despatches; the latter often, but never accompanied by any high-sounding professions. The greatest difficulties could neither embarrass nor intimidate Wellington; his energy invariably rising in proportion to the obstacles to be surmounted. The patience, the firmness, the resolution, with which he bore through the maddening vexations and gigantic difficulties of the Peninsular campaigns, is, perhaps, one of the sublimest things to be found in history. In Spain, Wellington not only exhibited the genius of the general, but the comprehensive wisdom of the statesman. Though his natural temper was irritable in the extreme, his high sense of duty enabled him to restrain it, and to those about him his patience seemed absolutely inexhaustible. His great character stands untarnished by ambition, by avarice, or any low passion. Though a man of powerful individuality, he yet displayed a great variety of endowment. The equal of Napoleon in generalship, he was as prompt, vigorous, and daring as [[Robert Clive|Clive]]; as wise a statesman as [[Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]]; and as pure and high-minded as [[George Washington|Washington]]. The great Wellington left behind him an enduring reputation, founded on toilsome campaigns won by skilful combination, by fortitude which nothing could exhaust, by sublime daring, and perhaps still sublimer patience. **[[Samuel Smiles]], ''[[w:Self-Help (book)|Self-Help]]'' (1859), pp. 157-158 *The late Duke of Wellington was a great routinist, because he was a first-rate man of business. He possessed in perfection all the qualities which constitute one. He was a most punctual man; he never received a letter without acknowledging or replying to it; and he habitually attended to the minutest details of all matters entrusted to him, whether civil or military. His business faculty was his genius, the genius of common sense; and it is not perhaps saying too much to aver, that it was because he was a first-rate man of business that he never lost a battle. **[[Samuel Smiles]], ''[[w:Self-Help (book)|Self-Help]]'' (1859), p. 202 *The Duke of Wellington, who had an inflexible horror of falsehood, writing to Kellerman, when that general was opposed to him in the Peninsula, told him that if there was one thing on which an English officer prided himself more than another, excepting his courage, it was his truthfulness. "When English officers," said he, "have given their parole of honour not to escape, be sure they will not break it. Believe me—trust to their word; the word of an English officer is a surer guarantee than the vigilance of sentinels." **[[Samuel Smiles]], ''[[w:Self-Help (book)|Self-Help]]'' (1859), p. 330 *Bury the Great Duke <br /> With an empire's lamentation; <br /> Let us bury the Great Duke <br /> To the noise of the mourning of a mighty nation; <br /> Mourning when their leaders fall, <br /> Warriors carry the warrior's pall, <br /> And sorrow darkens hamlet and hall. **[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Alfred Tennyson]], ''Ode on the Death of the Duke of Wellington'' (1852), stanza I *Lead out the pageant: sad and slow,<br />As fits an universal woe,<br />Let the long, long procession go,<br />And let the sorrowing crowd about it grow,<br />And let the mournful martial music blow;<br />The last great Englishman is low. **[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Alfred Tennyson]], ''Ode on the Death of the Duke of Wellington'' (1852), stanza III *O friends, our chief state-oracle is mute:<br />Mourn for the man of long-enduring blood,<br />The statesman-warrior, moderate, resolute,<br />Whole in himself, a common good.<br />Mourn for the man of amplest influence,<br />Yet clearest of ambitious crime,<br />Our greatest yet with least pretence,<br />Great in council and great in war,<br />Foremost captain of his time,<br />Rich in saving common-sense,<br />And, as the greatest only are,<br />In his simplicity sublime. **[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Alfred Tennyson]], ''Ode on the Death of the Duke of Wellington'' (1852), stanza IV *For this is England’s greatest son,<br />He that gain'd a hundred fights,<br />Nor ever lost an English gun. **[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson|Alfred Tennyson]], ''Ode on the Death of the Duke of Wellington'' (1852), stanza VI *When men in after times shall look back to the annals of England for examples of energy and public virtue among those who have raised this country to her station on the earth, no name will remain more conspicuous or more unsullied than that of <small>ARTHUR WELLESLEY, THE GREAT DUKE OF WELLINGTON.</small> The actions of his life were extraordinary, but his character was equal to his actions. He was the very type and model of an Englishman; and, though men are prone to invest the worthies of former ages with a dignity and merit they commonly withhold from their contemporaries, we can select none from the long array of our captains and our nobles who, taken for all in all, can claim a rivalry with him who is gone from amongst us, an inheritor of imperishable fame. **''[[The Times]]'' (15 September 1852), p. 4 *[[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Macaulay]] was fond of repeating an answer made to him by [[w:John Villiers, 3rd Earl of Clarendon|Lord Clarendon]] in the year 1829. The young men were talking over the situation, and Macaulay expressed curiosity as to the terms in which the Duke of Wellington would recommend the [[w:Roman Catholic Relief Act 1829|Catholic Relief Bill]] to the Peers. "Oh," said the other, "it will be easy enough. He'll say 'My lords! Attention! Right about face! March!'" **[[w:Sir George Trevelyan, 2nd Baronet|George Otto Trevelyan]], ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 159, n. 1 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} *[http://www.thepeerage.com/p10256.htm#i102559 ThePeerage.com] *[http://www.badley.info/history/Wellesley-Arthur-Great-Britain.biog.html Duke of Wellington Chronology World History Database] *[http://napoleonistyka.atspace.com/wellington_strategy_tactics_battles.htm Wellington's Military and Political Career] *[http://www.dwr.org.uk/ Duke of Wellington's Regiment - West Riding] *{{gutenberg author|id=Duke+of+Wellington+Arthur+Wellesley | name=Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington}} *[http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/mss/online/visual-resources/results.php?title=wellington&catshort=cartoon&offset=0 Images of political cartoons featuring the Duke of Wellington] *[http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=1940 Duke of Wellington At Find A Grave] *[http://pm.gov.uk/output/Page153.asp More about Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington on the Downing Street website] {{DEFAULTSORT:Wellesley, Arthur}} [[Category:Military leaders from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:1769 births]] [[Category:1852 deaths]] [[Category:People from Dublin]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Freemasons]] <references /> [[Category:Secretaries of State for Foreign Affairs of Great Britain and the United Kingdom]] [[Category:British Ambassadors to France]] [[Category:Chief Secretaries for Ireland]] [[Category:Leaders of the House of Lords (United Kingdom)]] [[Category:Commander-in-Chief of the Forces (United Kingdom)]] [[Category:Chancellors of the University of Oxford]] [[Category:Anglo-Irish people]] k7s6fwed88xqsiif2ddvealwpezb7zc 0 3676 3955140 3954874 2026-06-21T20:32:08Z 03isrflo62410 1485946 It ended in 2009. 3955140 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jawbreaker plate.jpg|thumb|Jawbreakers!]] {{italic title}} [[w:Ed, Edd n Eddy|'''''Ed, Edd n Eddy''''']] (1999–2009), is an animated television series created by Danny Antonucci which aired on Cartoon Network. The series features three boys, Ed, Edd and Eddy, known as the Eds, who create crazy money-making scams in order to buy Jawbreakers, their favorite candy. == Seasons == ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 1)|Season 1]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 2)|Season 2]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 3)|Season 3]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 4)|Season 4]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 5)|Season 5]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 6)|Season 6]] == Specials == ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Jingle Jingle Jangle]]=== ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Hanky Panky Hullabaloo]]=== ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Boo-Haw Haw]]=== ===[[The Eds Are Coming!]]=== == Film == ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]=== ==Video games== * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: Jawbreakers!]] * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: The Mis-Edventures]] * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: Scam of the Century]] == Cast == *[[w:Matt Hill|Matt Hill]] - Ed *[[w:Samuel Vincent|Samuel Vincent]] - Double D (Edd) *[[w:Tony Sampson|Tony Sampson]] - Eddy *[[w:Kathleen Barr|Kathleen Barr]] - Marie Kanker, Kevin *[[w:Tabitha St. Germain|Tabitha St. Germain]] (Season 1), [[w:Jenn Forgie|Jenn Forgie]] (Season 3) - Nazz Van Bartonschmeer *[[w:Erin Fitzgerald|Erin Fitzgerald]] - Nazz Van Bartnschmeer (Seasons 2, 4-5), May Kanker *[[w:Janyse Jaud|Janyse Jaud]] - Sarah, Lee Kanker *Keenan Christenson - Jimmy *[[w:David Paul Grove|David Paul Grove]] - Jonny '2x4' "Luddgate" *[[w:Peter Kelamis|Peter Kelamis]] - Rolf *[[w:Danny Antonucci|Danny Antonucci]] - Mr. Sun, [[w:Santa Claus|Santa]] *[[w:Terry Klassen|Terry Klassen]] - Eddy's Brother == External Links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0184111/ IMDb Page] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Ed, Edd n Eddy|1999]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] 0wsrlrux82jtfz2lns3jt12xripzmid 0 4052 3955123 3936558 2026-06-21T19:03:34Z ~2026-27223-47 3316188 I adjusted some of the wording. 3955123 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Michael Douglas César 2016 3.jpg|thumb|I lost my job. Actually, I didn't lose it, it lost me. I'm overeducated, underskilled...Maybe it's the other way around, I forget. But, I'm obsolete. I'm not economically viable. I can't even support my own daughter.]] [[File:Flag of the United States (DDD-F-416E specifications).svg|thumb|I AM JUST DISAGREEING WITH YOU! In America, we have the freedom of speech! The right to disagree!]] '''''[[w:Falling Down|Falling Down]]''''' is a [[w:1993 in film|1993 drama film]] about laid-off defense worker who is enraged by a traffic jam and rampages across Los Angeles as a police sergeant searches for purpose on his retirement day. :''Directed by [[w:Joel Schumacher|Joel Schumacher]]. Written by [[w:Ebbe Roe Smith|Ebbe Roe Smith]].'' {{center/s}}'''A Tale Of Urban Reality.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]{{center/e}} ==William Foster== [[File:NATO vs. Warsaw Pact (1949-1990).svg|thumb|Did you know I build missiles? I helped to protect America. You should be rewarded for that. But instead, they gave it to those plastic surgeons. They lied to me.]] * ''[While destroying merchandise in a Korean drug store]'' You think I'm a thief? No. See, I'm not the thief, I'm not the one charging 85 cents for a STINKING SODA! YOU'RE THE THIEF! I'm just standing up for my rights as a consumer! I'm rolling prices back to 1965! What do you think of that? * Why have you put barbed wire on a fence? Is this how you rich people amuse yourselves? You put barbed wire on the fence so innocent people like me can hurt our hands looking in, huh? * I lost my job. Actually I didn't lose it. It lost me. I'm overeducated, underskilled. Maybe it's the other way around. I forget, but I'm obsolete. I'm not economically viable. I can't even support my own kid. * I've passed the point of no return, Beth. You know when that is? That's the point in a journey where it's longer to go back to the beginning than it is to continue to the end. It's like...Do you remember when [[w:Apollo 13|those astronauts got in trouble when they were going to the moon]] and something went wrong? I don't know, somebody screwed up and they had to get them back to Earth, but they had passed the point of no return. So, they had to go all the way around the moon to get back, and they were out of contact for hours. Everybody waited breathlessly to see if a bunch of dead guys in a can would pop out the other side, and that's me. I'm on the other side of the moon now, out of contact, and everybody's just going to have to wait until I pop out. * Did you know that in certain South American countries it's still legal to [[w:Uxoricide|kill your wife if she insults you?]] *It's my little girl's birthday today. We were going to have a barbecue like you guys, and she was going to play outside, my wife would hold my hand, and we'd talk about grown up things. And then when it got dark, we'd all [[w:Familicide|go to sleep together.]] We'd all sleep together in the dark. And everything will be just like it was before. == Martin Prendergast == [[File:Robert Duvall 2 by David Shankbone.jpg|thumb|Is that what all this is about? You're angry because you were lied to? Is that why my chicken dinner's drying out in the oven? Hey! They lie to everybody, they lie to the fish. But that doesn't give you any special right to do what you did today. The only thing that makes you special, is your daughter.]] * You mean he stole your baseball bat but he paid for the soda? Oh, this guy's discriminating. * What would a guy in a white shirt and tie be doing in gangland? * Sandra, you have a career. It's not easy to see your beauty go and that's all you got. * Some G.I. Joe gave an old geaser a heart attack at the Altmore Golf Course, and accosted a family right next door. He's wearing a surplus jacket, the kind you find at an Army Navy store. * You know, my wife was never was cut out for motherhood. She did it all for me. Went through all that pain, lost her figure, for me. Then the kid went to sleep one night and never woke up. They called it "Infant death syndrome", but she wasn't an infant. It was very strange, cause she was 2 years old, she was a big girl. She was our baby. * Is that what this is about? You're angry because you got lied to? Is that why my chicken dinner is drying out in the oven? Hey, they lie to everybody. They lie to the fish! But that doesn't give you any special right to do what you did today. == Dialogue == [[File:US one dollar bill, obverse, series 2009.jpg|thumb|You think I'm a thief? No. See, I'm not the thief, I'm not the one charging 85 cents for a STINKING SODA! YOU'RE THE THIEF! I'm just standing up for my rights as a consumer! I'm rolling prices back to 1965! What do you think of that?]] [[File:Cheesburger 400 Lunch Combo, Flame 400 Burger Cafe Raine Square, 2026 (01).jpg|thumb|Rick, have you ever heard the expression "The customer is always right"?]] [[File:Pohjoismaisen vastarintaliikkeen mielenosoitus 2018.jpg|thumb|We are not the same. I'm an American, you're a sick asshole.]] [[File:(2) Cycle of abuse, power & control issues in domestic abuse situations.gif|thumb|Did you know that in certain South American countries it's still legal to kill your wife if she insults you?]] [[File:Los Angeles with Mount Baldy.jpg|thumb|It sure was hot today, wasn't it?]] :'''Nick''': We're the same, you and me. We're the same. Don't you see? :'''Bill Foster''': We are not the same. I'm an American. You're a sick asshole. :'''Nick''': Just what kind of vigilante are you? :'''Bill Foster''': I am not a vigilante. I am just trying to get home to my daughter's birthday party, and if everyone will just stay out of my way then nobody will get hurt. :'''Nick''': Fuck you! Who the fuck are you? Are you fucking with me? :'''Bill Foster''': I am just disagreeing with you! In America, we have the freedom of speech, the right to disagree! :'''Nick''': Fuck you and your freedom! <hr width=50%> :'''Bill Foster''': Hi. I'd like some breakfast. :'''Rick''': We stopped serving breakfast. :'''Bill Foster''': I know you stopped serving breakfast Rick, Sheila told me that you... why am I calling you by your first names? I don't even know you. I still call my boss 'Mister' even though I've been working with him for seven years, but all of a sudden I walk in here and I'm calling you Rick and Sheila like we're in some kind of AA meeting and... I don't want to be your buddy, Rick. I just want a little breakfast? :'''Sheila''': You can call me Miss Folsom if you want. :'''Rick''': ''Sheila''. We stopped serving breakfast at 11:30. :''[Foster looks at his watch to find it's 3 minutes past the deadline. He places his gym bag full of guns on the counter.]'' :'''Bill Foster''': Rick, have you ever heard the expression "the customer is always right"? :'''Rick''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah. :'''Bill Foster''': Well, here I am. The customer. :'''Rick''': ''[still smiling]'' That's not our policy. You'll have to order something from the lunch menu. :'''Bill Foster''': I don't want ''lunch''. I want ''breakfast''. :'''Rick''': Yeah, well hey, I'm really sorry. :'''Bill Foster''': ''[smiles back]'' Yeah, well hey, I'm real sorry too. ''[pulls out a TEC-9]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill Foster''': What kind of doctor lives here? :'''Man''': Plastic surgeon. :'''Bill Foster''': Plastic surgery bought this? Guess I'm in the wrong racket. Are there correspondence courses in plastic surgery? I lost my job. Actually, I didn't lose it, it lost me. I'm overeducated, underskilled...Maybe it's the other way around, I forget. But, I'm obsolete. I'm not economically viable. I can't even support my own daughter. <hr width=50%> :'''Sergeant Prendergast''': What were you going to do? :'''Bill Foster''': I don't know, I don't know what I'm going to do. :'''Sergeant Prendergast''': Guys like you always say that. You don't know what you're gonna do until you do it. I think you knew exactly what you were going to do. You were gonna kill your wife and child! :'''Bill Foster''': No :'''Sergeant Prendergast''': Yeah, and then it would be too late to turn back. It'd be easy to turn the gun on yourself! Now let's go meet some nice policemen. They're good guys. Come on, let's go. :'''Bill Foster''': I'm the bad guy? :'''Prendergast''': Yeah. :'''Bill Foster''': How did that happen? I did everything they told me to. Did you know I build missiles? :'''Prendergast''': Yeah. :'''Bill Foster''': I helped to protect America. You should be rewarded for that. But instead they gave it to the plastic surgeons. They lied to me. :'''Prendergast''': Is that what all this is about? You're angry because you were lied to? Is that why my chicken dinner's drying out in the oven? Hey! They lie to everybody, they lie to the fish. But that doesn't give you any special right to do what you did today. The only thing that makes you special, is your daughter. Now let's go. Let's go! :'''Bill Foster''': It sure was hot today, wasn't it? You know, I got a gun. In my pocket. I got lots of guns. :'''Prendergast''': Stay there. Don't move. :'''Bill Foster''': Wanna draw? :'''Prendergast''': Let's not. Let's call it a day. :'''Bill Foster''': Oh, come on. It's perfect. A showdown between the sheriff and the bad guy? It's beautiful. On three. :'''Prendergast''': This doesn't have to be the end, Bill. You have a choice. My daughter is dead. I don't have a choice. You have a choice. :'''Bill Foster''': No, you have two choices. I can kill you, or you can kill me and my daughter can get the insurance. One. :'''Prendergast''': Don't you want to see her grow up? :'''Bill Foster''': Behind bars? Two. :'''Prendergast''': Don't do this. Please. LET'S GO! :'''Bill Foster''': Three (Bill pulls out a water pistol from his pocket, and Prendergast shoots Bill in the chest) I would've got you. (Bill falls off the railing and into the water below. Prendergast looks over the railing at Bill floating dead in the water, feeling bad that he just killed him) == Taglines == * A Tale Of Urban Reality. * The adventures of an ordinary man at war with the everyday world. == Cast == * [[w:Michael Douglas|Michael Douglas]] - William Foster * [[w:Robert Duvall|Robert Duvall]] - Sgt. Martin Prendergast * [[w:Barbara Hershey|Barbara Hershey]] - Elizabeth Tavino * [[w:Rachel Ticotin|Rachel Ticotin]] - Det. Sandra Torres * [[w:Tuesday Weld|Tuesday Weld]] - Amanda Prendergast * [[w:Frederic Forrest|Frederic Forrest]] - Nick, the army surplus store owner * [[w:Lois Smith|Lois Smith]] - William Foster's mother * Joey Hope Singer - Adele Foster-Tavino * [[w:Michael Paul Chan|Michael Paul Chan]] - Mr. Lee, the convenience store owner * [[w:Raymond J. Barry|Raymond J. Barry]] - Capt. William Yardley * [[w:D. W. Moffett|D. W. Moffett]] - Det. Lydecker * [[w:Steve Park (comedian)|Steve Park]] - Detective Brian * [[w:Karina Arroyave|Karina Arroyave]] - Angie * [[w:Brent Hinkley|Brent Hinkley]] - Rick * [[w:Dedee Pfeiffer|Dedee Pfeiffer]] - Sheila Folsom == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0106856}} * {{amg movie|16651}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|falling_down}} * {{metacritic film|falling-down|Falling Down}} [[Category:1993 films]] [[Category:1990s American films]] [[Category:Crime thriller films]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Vigilante films]] [[Category:Action thriller films]] [[Category:Films about consumerism]] jdafzn3640h58xu2rtxn6nbpf07t49k 4 4250 3955072 3955002 2026-06-21T15:10:25Z MABot 3002050 Bot: Archiving 3 threads (older than 10 days) to [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/16]] 3955072 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-06-13, 01:50 == * {{Vandal|PrincessAesthetic1831}} cross-wiki abuse, [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:29, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 02:29 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 02:21 == * {{Vandal|Daveenna43}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Vasas90]] (created page [[Thathanine Thongchay]], [[:w:simple:Thathanine Thongchay]], [https://simple.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&logid=3359217]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:20, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 08:27 == * {{Vandal|Martha.wilson9}} Abusing multiple accounts ([[Special:Contributions/Mikhailsims]]) & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|Pragmaticwolf2026}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:18, 14 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:48, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-15, 12:39 == * {{vandal|~2026-35173-92}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 12:39, 15 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. I also blocked the underlying /16 range as well. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:51, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35094-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|ShaneWarne23}} Spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Astroma09]] ([https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=astroma.co]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 16 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by M7. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:37, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == account Rferf as commercial vandal == * {{Vandal|User:Rferf}} Sole contribution is nonsense with two links to some commercial Web site. [[User:Gramorama|Gramorama]] ([[User talk:Gramorama|talk]]) 05:26, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} {{ping| Gramorama}} User’s last edit was in 2021, a block is currently not needed. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 07:17, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:32 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35484-39}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:06, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Yanaburns4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:07, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35276-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:21, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:18 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35184-15}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:25, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|ISSRelocations}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications01}} Abusing multiple accounts & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:16, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:32, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 == * {{Vandal|Bettyorlov26}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:17, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} for 2 weeks. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 10:35, 19 June 2026 (UTC) :: Reblocked indefinitely, the user added a pornographic link to their user page. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 02:20, 20 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35618-87}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:21, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 10:34, 19 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-20, 08:37 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35829-17}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:38, 20 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:26, 20 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-20, 11:50 == * {{Vandal|Snow2190}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:48, 20 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}} by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:25, 20 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-21, 02:26 == * {{Vandal|Yaroslavdunn}} * {{Vandal|Mikhailwilson4}} * {{Vandal|Justinbelikov51}} * {{Vandal|Tatiana-payne50}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:26, 21 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:25, 21 June 2026 (UTC) ksblt846qihj06lmqi3mrwku076gp5j 0 7436 3955077 3954956 2026-06-21T15:35:16Z ~2026-34857-32 3341519 /* Voice cast */ 3955077 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Cow and Chicken|Cow and Chicken]]''''', otherwise known as simply '''''Cow''''' or '''''Chicken''''', is an American [[w:cartoon series|animated]] [[w:television comedy|comedy]] television series created by [[w:David Feiss|David Feiss]] for [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] and the third of the network's [[w:Cartoon Cartoons|Cartoon Cartoons]]. It follows the [[w:surreal humor|surreal]] adventures of two [[w:funny animal|funny animal]] siblings, Cow and Chicken. They are often antagonized by the Red Guy, a [[w:Devil|devil]] who poses as various aliases to scam them. ==Theme song== :'''Chicken''': Mama had a chicken! <hr width=50%> :'''Cow''': Mama had a cow! <hr width=50%> :'''Cow & Chicken''': ''[in unison]'' Dad was proud, he didn't care how! <hr width=50%> :'''Theme song plays''' <hr width=50%> :'''Cow''': Cow! <hr width=50%> :'''Theme song plays more''' <hr width=50%> :'''Chicken''': Chicken! <hr width=50%> :'''Theme song plays more''' <hr width=50%> :'''Cow & Chicken''': Cow and Chicken! <hr width=50%> :'''Theme song plays more''' <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy starts laughing and flashes his butt a little''' ==Season 1== ==="Field Trip to Folsom Prison Blues / Girls' Bathroom"=== :'''Cow''': [''gasps''] Chicken, that is a good way to lose a beak! :'''Chicken''': Ah, shut up, Cow! Mind your own beeswax! [''gets hit with sign''] What? <hr width=50%/> :'''Chicken''': [''pretending to be an inmate and slyly pantsing the warden''] Jailbreak! :'''Guard''': ''[panicking]'' Sound the alarm! ''[The guard falls down and the inmates laugh at him. He is then insulted and grabs Chicken pretending to be Red.] Lockdown!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Chicken''': Eat this, you filthy screw. <hr width=50%> :'''Inmate''': Way to go, Red. <hr width=50%/> :'''Chicken''': [To The Red Guy as the Warden] I gotta be home by 8:00 or I'm in big trouble! Anyhow, Mom is making pork butts and taters. She only makes it on Tuesdays; it's my favorite! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dad''': Chicken, the warden of Folsom Prison just called. :'''Chicken''': I know what he said; I did time at the big house 'cause I pantsed the guard! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': [''as the Warden''] LADIES!!! ...and gentlemen. A terrible injustice has been done here. Red doesn't belong here - he's innocent! He wants to go home with Mom and Dad, AND EAT PORK BUTTS AND TATERS! Now, let's all join hands AND SAY WE'RE SORRY!!! :'''Inmates''': Sorry Red! :'''The Red Guy''': Now, someone has to pay for Red's injustice... TEN YEARS IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT FOR EVERYBODY!!! Without a toilet... [''He pulls a rope, opening the floor of the yard and dropping Chicken and the inmates down a pit''] ==="Supermodel Cow / Part Time Job"=== :'''Cow''': That's it! I'll get a part-time job at the milk farm. I'll make money to buy Crabs the Warthog! :'''Chicken''': You think they want your milk? It says the finest cows on Earth, not Mars! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Chunks''': WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MAN?! CAN'T YOU READ?! "NO CHICKEN MILK!!" <hr width=50%> :'''Chicken Chorus''': Itttttt's... easy-pickin', finger-lickin', chicken on a stick! :'''The Red Guy''': With the Rear Admiral, you rarely get sick! Oh-ho! :'''Chicken Chorus''': Nobody flips a boid... :'''The Red Guy''': Like Rear Admiral Floyd! :'''Chicken Chorus''': It's finger-lickin'! :'''Chicken Chorus''': Nobody flips a boid... :'''The Red Guy''': Like Rear Admiral Floyd!!! :'''Chicken Chorus''': CHICKEN!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Chicken''': Hey, Mr. Hiney! When do I get paid for this gig? :'''The Red Guy''': [''as Rear Admiral Floyd''] Oh, you won't need any money where you're going, little fella... <hr width=50%/> ==="Alive! / Who Is Supercow?"=== :'''Mom''': Where would we be without you, Boneless Chicken? :'''Boneless Chicken''': Where? Well, you'd be up a creek without a paddle or burning your bridges before they're hatched. Who can say, really? [Mom, Dad, and Chicken laugh at Boneless' joke.] :'''Dad''': Oh, Boneless, you always kill us! :'''Boneless Chicken''': Ah, go on. :'''Dad''': Will you be needing anything while we're away? :'''Boneless Chicken''': Sure, how 'bout a spine for my limp and lifeless body? [Mom, Dad, and Chicken laugh once more as they soon head for Chicken's parent-teacher conference.] <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': Oh, Mom and Dad! I missed you both so much these long months of being marooned. :'''Dad''': Sweetheart, we've only been gone half an hour for Chicken's parent-teacher conference. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': What else do I know about Supercow? WHAT ELSE?! Okay, THINK!!! [''smacks his head against the wall''] A: She speaks Spanish... TWO! She's a superhero... :'''Cow''': [''In Red guy's thoughts''] I'm just a widdle cow... :'''The Red Guy''': Oh! THAT'S IT!!! She's a cow! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Superheroes, are your leotards starting to stink? Is your booties getting brittle? IS YOUR CAPE KIND OF CRUDDY?! Well, come on over to Hiney Beau Dry Cleaners, where if you're a superhero, your CLEANING is free! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': [''holds up a sweetcorn-based superhero costume in disdain''] "Corn-Cobb Man"?! There's a lotta sick people in this town. <hr width=50%/> ==="Confused / The Molting Fairy"=== :'''Cow''': Mom always says not to go to the carnival naked. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Got any scabs?! They could be worth gold. <hr width=50%/> ==="The Ugliest Weenie"=== :'''Red Guy''': Oh, we're flat out of time! Stay tuned after the commercial break! And maybe we'll show you the rest of the play! Or maybe we'll fill the time up with EVEN MORE COMMERCIALS!!! [''laughs maniacally''] <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': Didn't you remember Mom always says we should never run into a burning school auditorium? :'''Chicken''': It must've slipped my mind! <hr width=50%/> ==="Orthodontic Police / Cow with Four Eyes"=== :'''The Red Guy''': [''as the Orthodontic Policeman''] What are you people, a bunch of communists? <hr width=50%/> :'''Teacher''': Nothing is more important than straight teeth. Well, at least that's what the pantsless policeman said. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': ''[After getting his butt kicked by Supercow, he removes the last of the braces off the police officer]'' There, that's the last one. :''[The policeman happily eats his doughnut and runs laughing.]'' :'''The Red Guy''': ''[Is revealed to wear the permanent braces with a satellite attached to them]'' Okay, I did what you said, I removed the braces off everybody. Now can you take off mine?! That was the deal. :'''Chicken''': Oh, I wish we could, but we have already rented you out as a Satellite Tracking Dish. :''[Cow and Chicken laugh as the Red Guy drives away after satellites drop from the sky]'' :'''The Red Guy''': Is there a real orthodontist in the house? ==="Cow Instincts, Don't It? / Ballerina Cow"=== :'''Cow''': I'm a big fat loser! :'''Chicken''': I could have told you the big and fat part. <hr width=50%/> ==="Chicken's First Kiss / Squirt the Daisies"=== :'''Winney''': Hi Chicken! I like your wattle! Do you clean it with special soap to make it so shiny?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mom''': Oh Chicken! You don't get cooties from being kissed; listen to Father! :'''Chicken''': You don't? :'''Dad''': No son. you get them from... toilet seats. <hr width=50%/> ==="Space Cow / The Legend of Sailcat"=== :'''Chicken''': [''to Cow''] They'd never let you go in outer space. There's no room! <hr width=50%/> ==="Headhunting in Oregon / The King and Queen of Cheese"=== :'''Dad''': We're going to Oregon to find some head hunters. <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': Walter Jeans-Begone, headhunter guide, at your service! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Hello! It's me, Larry Lackapants, Arkansas Cheese master, soon to be the King & Queen of Cheese! <hr width=50%/> ==Season 2== ==="Fluffy the Anaconda / The Laughing Puddle"=== :'''Chicken''': Is anything in this cartoon ever going to make sense? <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': The cartoon you just saw is true. The water in the Laughing Puddle is what scientists call THICK WATER!!! Meaning that it has molecules the size of WATERMELONS!!! TOO THICK TO RUN DOWN THE HOLE, but thin enough for our characters to pass through! If you ever get a chance to jump into Thick Water, DO IT!!! It feels really gooey! [''laughs softly''] <hr width=50%/> ==="Tongue Sandwich / Dream Date Chicken"=== :'''Cow''': Uh, I believe... :'''Tongue:''' He went that way. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': [Humming as she runs the vacuum] :'''Mom''': Chicken, why don't you take a hint from your sister and take out the garbage? :'''Chicken''': [Begins raging] Stop rattin' on me! Why do I always have to do everything around here?! [''Breaks the T.V.''] GET OFF MY CASE! [''Banging his fists the walls in tune with his line''] :'''Mom''': Honey, talk to your son; I had just about all I can take. [''Runs away, crying''] :'''Dad''': Listen here, Chief: when you're all grown up and living like some hopped up and crazy bachelor, you can sleep on a pile of garbage for all I care! But as long as you're living under my roof, you've got to live by my rules! :'''Chicken''': But- :'''Dad''': That's it! I'll have no back-talk, Mister! You're grounded! [''Chicken goes into his room and slams the door''] [''Cow opens the door and gasps''] <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': Where are you going? :'''Chicken''': I am runnin' away to be a bachelor with cousin Boneless Chicken. No one tells him what to do; he just lays around his cool bachelor pad and does whatever he wants. Hasta la adiós, Cow. [''Chicken hops out of the window''] :'''Cow''': Adiós, big brother. [She moos and then tears up, turning to her own bedroom] Oh, Chicken's a grown-up bachelor, and... I'm all alone! [Sits on the floor and cries] Ooh, I want to play grown-up bachelor, too! [Continues crying] <hr width=50%/> :'''Red Guy''': YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! For being a run away chicken. YOU TOO! Linda. FOR CONTRIBUTION TO THE DELQUINCY OF A CHICKEN! [laughing] OKAY, MEN! Get ready for your PUNISHMENT! ==="Dirty Laundry / Grizzly Beaver Safari"=== :'''The Red Guy''': Geraldo Rearviewa, Super Cow critic. ==="The Bad News Plastic Surgeons / The Exchange Stüdent"=== :'''Teacher''': Everybody just shut your porktraps for a minute! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Plastic surgery isn't just a sport, it's l a way of life. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Oh, I like your spirit. You're hired. Oh, by the way, who did your wattle? <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Which one of you weenies is our victim-slash-volunteer? <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': Nip and tuck, short and curl, my brother Chicken is not a girl! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chicken''': Couldn't have done this without you, Dr. Hiney. :'''The Red Guy''': Oh, please call me Dr. Hiney. <hr width=50%/> :'''Policeman''': Hey, it says here you're a plastic pipe salesman from bend Oregon! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chicken''': He wasn't even a New Mexican... <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': Mom! Dad! Photo-realistic beaver is teasing me again! <hr width=50%/> ==Season 3== ==="Can Cow Come Out and Play?"=== :'''The Red Guy''': ''[riding his bike]'' Oh, nobody wants to play with me. I don't understand why! <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': Be free, world! Yonder forth! And populate! ''[sighs]'' :''[As they run out of a trailer, numerous people trample Red under their feet]'' :'''The Red Guy''': Ouch, oh, oh, ow, oh, oh, oh! Oh. Ow! Oh, have a nice day! This is the happiest day of my life. :''[Mom, Dad and Chicken standing on Red, Cow catches up to them]'' :'''Cow''': Oh, Mom, Dad, Big Brother! You're okay! Oh, I was so worried about you! Oh, you are a very bad ma... lady... whatever you are... for locking up everyone in the world in a trailer. :'''The Red Guy''': Sorry. :'''Dad''': You know, kids? Being locked up in a trailer with the whole world has taught us a valuable lesson. :'''Chicken''': Yeah? What is it? :'''Dad''': Beats me! :'''Mom''': But I'm sure it's valuable! :''[Mom, Dad and Cow are laughing except Chicken]'' :'''Chicken''': I think I liked it better in the trailer. ==="Chicken in the Bathroom"=== :''[Mom has ordered Chicken to stay in the tub until he takes a bath, and Mom, Dad, and Cow need to use the toilet]'' :'''Dad''': Chicken? Hurry up and take that bath, I gotta get in there! :'''Chicken''': No dice. :'''Cow''': Chicken? Are you done yet? I need to visit the reading room... to read? :'''Mom''': Me too, Chicken, can I, um, use the bathroom too? :'''Dad''': Come on son, I gotta core the apple! :'''Mom''': I have to launch the raft! :'''Dad''': Come on Chicken, I have to brick up the chimney! :'''Cow''': I need to stir the bean, big brother! Will you be much longer? :'''Chicken''': I ain't takin' no bath! :'''Dad''': Come on! I gotta, uh, uh, feed the ducks. :'''Cow''': Why don't you just get it over with, Chicken? I need to wax the board! :'''Chicken''': The bathroom is closed for the duration. :'''Dad''': Chicken! For crying out loud, I gotta jump the gun! :'''Mom''': ''I can't hold it any longer!'' ...Could you please hurry honey? :'''Cow''': ''I gotta peel the onions!'' :'''Chicken''': How rude! Not while I am in the tub, bub! :'''Mom''': Hurry up! Chicken! I gotta wash the window! :'''Dad''': I gotta make peace with the Germans! :'''Mom''': Gotta run for Congress here! :'''All three''': Come on Chicken, take a bath already! :'''Cow''': Chicken! It's time to flip the pickles! :'''Dad''': Come on, Chicken! :'''Mom''': I gotta resole the family christen! :'''Cow''': I simply must pull the rip cord! :'''Dad''': I must wash the windows! :'''Mom''': I, I, I gotta spoon the balls! :'''Cow''': Let the little puppies run! Please? :'''Dad''': Gotta shake hands with the President! :'''Mom''': Gotta press the issue! :'''Cow''': Chicken, I need to let the cat out! :'''Dad''': It's time to drive the governor home... :'''Mom''': I... need... to... stuff... the... olives! :'''Cow''': Have to shuck the corn! :'''Mom''': Oooh! It is time to ''burp the baby''! :'''Cow''': May I please stabber out the facts? :'''Mom''': I... I... got... to... strike... my... pansy! :'''Cow''': Lay some carpet, por favor! :'''Dad''': Gotta talk to the boss! THAT IS IT, CHICKEN!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Dad''': Okay, men. I've got a plan. <hr width=50%> :'''Dad''' Ready or not, Chicken! (He, Mom, and Cow let out a battle cry and surround Chicken.) Son, if you don’t take a bath, then we'll give you one! :'''Chicken''': (gasps) <hr width=50%> ===Chickens Don't Fly=== :''[Cow and Chicken approach the airplane, where they are greeted by the Red Guy.]'' :'''The Red Guy''': Hello! I'm Bunny, your Flight Attendant! Oh, isn't it a great day to be HURLED THROUGH THE AIR, twenty-three billion feet above the Earth, with only a vewy, vewy thin sheet of aluminium between you and A TEN MINUTE SCREAMING DROP to an abrupt stop? ===Chicken Lips=== :'''Chicken''': Not only am I not a boy, I'm not even a chicken! ''[breaks into tears]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cow''': Ooh, I hope my big bwudder is gonna be okay, oh, if only I hadn't been whistwing in fwont of him, he wouwdn't have faced in dis wife, oh... I wish I nevew whistwed again in my wife! <hr width=50%> :'''Cow''': Evewyone can whistwe, Chicken, it is one of wife's speciaw out gifts. <hr width=50%> ===101 Uses For Cow and Chicken=== :'''Cow''': ''[with a price tag on her labelled 19 cent]'' My buns are only 19 cents? ''[tearfully]'' '''I AM SO''' '''''CHEAP!!!''''' ''[sobbing and mooing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': GOOD MORNING! Coffee, grandma? I think you'd make a ''great'' coffee cup. ''[opens up Chicken's beak, pours coffee in him, and starts spilling the coffee on himself]'' It leaks. <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': ''[uses Chicken as a face towel]'' Hey, you're not ''bad'' as a towel! ''[looks at himself in the mirror; gasps]'' Oh! I didn't brush my teeth this year! Guess what ''you'' get to be! [squirts toothpaste on Chicken and starts brushing his teeth with him; spits in the sink] Ooh. I NEED A NICE CLOSE SHAVE! [sharpens Chicken's beak on a belt; starts shaving his chin and his tongue with Chicken] [shaves his armpit] AHH! CAN'T YOU AT LEAST HUM A LITTLE?! WORK WITH ME HERE! :'''Chicken''': ''[blows raspberry at him]'' :'''The Red Guy''': THAT'S '''''IT!''''' NOW MY SHAVER'S SPITTING AT ME! I've been ripped off! YOU GUYS ARE USELESS! I'm taking you back to the store. ==Season 4== ===I Scream Man=== :'''Chicken''': My waddle is getting all wrinkly. I sure could use somethin' to wet my whistle. ''[Cow squirts milk at him]'' Somethin' besides ''that''. <hr width=50%> :''[Cow and Chicken get caught by Dad while trying to catch the Arbor Day Pig.]'' :'''Cow''': We're busted. :'''Dad''': Oh, you kids know that you can't open this piggie until Arbor Day. ''[Arbor Day Pig has sticker labelled "Do Not Open 'Til Arbor Day" on his butt]'' :'''Arbor Day Pig''': Ha! :'''Dad''': And that's three days away. ''[Pig blows raspberry, but then gasps]'' <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': DING DING '''''DING''''' DING DING DING DING! STUPID SONG IS DRIVING ME... nuts! <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': ''[with Cow and Chicken chasing him]'' THIS IS MADNESS!!! ''[screams]'' LEAVE ME ALONE!!! <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': Oh ''crud''! I must've thrown out all my ice cream at those funny-looking kids. ''[gives Chicken ice cubes in an ice cream cone]'' Here you go, duck. :'''Chicken''': Hey! This is just a ''cone'' with ice cubes in it! :'''The Red Guy''': And your point is? '''''NEXT!''''' :'''Cow''': Do you have any gravy freezies? :'''The Red Guy''': NO! :'''Cow''': Frozen pork buttocks? :'''The Red Guy''': NO! :'''Cow''': A beaver-tail cone surprise? :'''The Red Guy''': How about a beaver ''in'' a cone? ''[pulls out a beaver in a cone]'' SURPRISE! ''[leaps out of his ice cream truck]'' AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I DON'T ''HAVE'' ANY ICE CREAM, NONE WHATSO'''''EVER!''''' I don't even like ice cream. OR ''KIDS''! It says "I Scream" on my truck, not ice cream! Get it? Cause... I '''''SCREAM!''''' Look at me. ''[spins in circles]'' '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' Ooh. ''[chuckles]'' Screaming is my hobby! :'''Police Officer''': ''[hits The Red Guy with sausage]'' It's the padded cell for you, scream man! <hr width=50%> :'''Mom''': How about some frozen Arbor Day piggie pops? :'''Arbor Day Pig''': PIGGIE POPS?! OKAY! THAT IS ''IT''! TIME OUT! I've put enough with psychological torture for one pig! YOU GUYS ARE '''''CANNIBALS!''''' DO YOU '''''HEAR''''' ME?! YOU'RE ALL OFF YOUR ''NUT!'' ''[runs away screaming]'' :'''Mom''': What is up with ''that''? :'''Dad''': You know, Mama, we lose more Arbor Day piggies that way. <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': No actual Arbor Day piggies were hurt during the making of this film. But ''I'' was. My feelings were hurt! More than once! There was the first time in scene 40 and that once in scene 57 and... did you know that I do my own STUNTS? No stunt double for The Red Guy, oh no, no, no, no. ''[looks around]'' Feiss will not spring for that, no! I'm not good enough for a STUNT DOUBLE! ''[starts sobbing]'' OH, LIFE'S NOT FAIR! All right, you can end now. ''[laughs]'' END! ===Duck, Duck Chicken!/The Great Pantzini=== :'''Slappy the Pig''': See, kids? It's like I told you. You can surgically alter a chicken into a duck, but he's still the duck. All right, kids, forget what I said at the beginning of the show. Sometimes a sack of manure can be a duck. Oh, that's not right?! I don't know! I am not a scientist! I am a pig! WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?! I AM BACON, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! :'''The Red Guy''': The producers wish to apologise for the previous Slappy the Pig insert, it was a PATHETIC AND DESPERATE ATTEMPT ON THE PART OF SLAPPY TO PROLONG HIS LIFE! :'''Narrator''': The producers wish to apologise for the previous outburst by the pantless actor who no longer works for the show. We are sorry... END! <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': Would you like to have your laughter back, too? ''[Laughs proudly crazy]'' END!!! ===The Cow and Chicken Blues/The Ballad of Cow and Chicken=== :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''The Red Guy''': Yeah! hold it, It was brilliant! Bravo! Get up, my little crab friends. Ow! Oh, oh. Ow! Oh, oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Easy with the pinchers. Ow! Ow! Oh. I did not have to bring you guys tonight! Looks like Red Guy always gets in the END! Ha, ha, ha, ha! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Charlie Adler|Charlie Adler]] as C. Cow; C. Chicken; I.B. Lucifer Red Guy. * [[w:Brendan Fraser|Brendan Fraser]] as Boneless Chicken. * [[Dee Bradley Baker]] as Dad. * [[w:Candi Milo|Candi Milo]] as Mom and Teacher. * [[w:Howard Morris|Howard Morris]] as Flem. * [[w:Dan Castellaneta|Dan Castellaneta]] as Earl. * [[w:Jess Harnell|Jess Harnell]] as Cerberus. ==See also== [[I Am Weasel]] ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0118289|title=Cow and Chicken}} [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:TV shows about cows]] [[Category:TV shows about chickens]] [[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]] [[Category:Cartoon Network shows]] [[Category:Adult Swim shows]] jgb2tm4mocto36diiz9chc0writ1cbi 3955078 3955077 2026-06-21T15:35:52Z ~2026-34857-32 3341519 /* Voice cast */ 3955078 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Cow and Chicken|Cow and Chicken]]''''', otherwise known as simply '''''Cow''''' or '''''Chicken''''', is an American [[w:cartoon series|animated]] [[w:television comedy|comedy]] television series created by [[w:David Feiss|David Feiss]] for [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]] and the third of the network's [[w:Cartoon Cartoons|Cartoon Cartoons]]. It follows the [[w:surreal humor|surreal]] adventures of two [[w:funny animal|funny animal]] siblings, Cow and Chicken. They are often antagonized by the Red Guy, a [[w:Devil|devil]] who poses as various aliases to scam them. ==Theme song== :'''Chicken''': Mama had a chicken! <hr width=50%> :'''Cow''': Mama had a cow! <hr width=50%> :'''Cow & Chicken''': ''[in unison]'' Dad was proud, he didn't care how! <hr width=50%> :'''Theme song plays''' <hr width=50%> :'''Cow''': Cow! <hr width=50%> :'''Theme song plays more''' <hr width=50%> :'''Chicken''': Chicken! <hr width=50%> :'''Theme song plays more''' <hr width=50%> :'''Cow & Chicken''': Cow and Chicken! <hr width=50%> :'''Theme song plays more''' <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy starts laughing and flashes his butt a little''' ==Season 1== ==="Field Trip to Folsom Prison Blues / Girls' Bathroom"=== :'''Cow''': [''gasps''] Chicken, that is a good way to lose a beak! :'''Chicken''': Ah, shut up, Cow! Mind your own beeswax! [''gets hit with sign''] What? <hr width=50%/> :'''Chicken''': [''pretending to be an inmate and slyly pantsing the warden''] Jailbreak! :'''Guard''': ''[panicking]'' Sound the alarm! ''[The guard falls down and the inmates laugh at him. He is then insulted and grabs Chicken pretending to be Red.] Lockdown!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Chicken''': Eat this, you filthy screw. <hr width=50%> :'''Inmate''': Way to go, Red. <hr width=50%/> :'''Chicken''': [To The Red Guy as the Warden] I gotta be home by 8:00 or I'm in big trouble! Anyhow, Mom is making pork butts and taters. She only makes it on Tuesdays; it's my favorite! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dad''': Chicken, the warden of Folsom Prison just called. :'''Chicken''': I know what he said; I did time at the big house 'cause I pantsed the guard! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': [''as the Warden''] LADIES!!! ...and gentlemen. A terrible injustice has been done here. Red doesn't belong here - he's innocent! He wants to go home with Mom and Dad, AND EAT PORK BUTTS AND TATERS! Now, let's all join hands AND SAY WE'RE SORRY!!! :'''Inmates''': Sorry Red! :'''The Red Guy''': Now, someone has to pay for Red's injustice... TEN YEARS IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT FOR EVERYBODY!!! Without a toilet... [''He pulls a rope, opening the floor of the yard and dropping Chicken and the inmates down a pit''] ==="Supermodel Cow / Part Time Job"=== :'''Cow''': That's it! I'll get a part-time job at the milk farm. I'll make money to buy Crabs the Warthog! :'''Chicken''': You think they want your milk? It says the finest cows on Earth, not Mars! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Chunks''': WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MAN?! CAN'T YOU READ?! "NO CHICKEN MILK!!" <hr width=50%> :'''Chicken Chorus''': Itttttt's... easy-pickin', finger-lickin', chicken on a stick! :'''The Red Guy''': With the Rear Admiral, you rarely get sick! Oh-ho! :'''Chicken Chorus''': Nobody flips a boid... :'''The Red Guy''': Like Rear Admiral Floyd! :'''Chicken Chorus''': It's finger-lickin'! :'''Chicken Chorus''': Nobody flips a boid... :'''The Red Guy''': Like Rear Admiral Floyd!!! :'''Chicken Chorus''': CHICKEN!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Chicken''': Hey, Mr. Hiney! When do I get paid for this gig? :'''The Red Guy''': [''as Rear Admiral Floyd''] Oh, you won't need any money where you're going, little fella... <hr width=50%/> ==="Alive! / Who Is Supercow?"=== :'''Mom''': Where would we be without you, Boneless Chicken? :'''Boneless Chicken''': Where? Well, you'd be up a creek without a paddle or burning your bridges before they're hatched. Who can say, really? [Mom, Dad, and Chicken laugh at Boneless' joke.] :'''Dad''': Oh, Boneless, you always kill us! :'''Boneless Chicken''': Ah, go on. :'''Dad''': Will you be needing anything while we're away? :'''Boneless Chicken''': Sure, how 'bout a spine for my limp and lifeless body? [Mom, Dad, and Chicken laugh once more as they soon head for Chicken's parent-teacher conference.] <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': Oh, Mom and Dad! I missed you both so much these long months of being marooned. :'''Dad''': Sweetheart, we've only been gone half an hour for Chicken's parent-teacher conference. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': What else do I know about Supercow? WHAT ELSE?! Okay, THINK!!! [''smacks his head against the wall''] A: She speaks Spanish... TWO! She's a superhero... :'''Cow''': [''In Red guy's thoughts''] I'm just a widdle cow... :'''The Red Guy''': Oh! THAT'S IT!!! She's a cow! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Superheroes, are your leotards starting to stink? Is your booties getting brittle? IS YOUR CAPE KIND OF CRUDDY?! Well, come on over to Hiney Beau Dry Cleaners, where if you're a superhero, your CLEANING is free! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': [''holds up a sweetcorn-based superhero costume in disdain''] "Corn-Cobb Man"?! There's a lotta sick people in this town. <hr width=50%/> ==="Confused / The Molting Fairy"=== :'''Cow''': Mom always says not to go to the carnival naked. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Got any scabs?! They could be worth gold. <hr width=50%/> ==="The Ugliest Weenie"=== :'''Red Guy''': Oh, we're flat out of time! Stay tuned after the commercial break! And maybe we'll show you the rest of the play! Or maybe we'll fill the time up with EVEN MORE COMMERCIALS!!! [''laughs maniacally''] <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': Didn't you remember Mom always says we should never run into a burning school auditorium? :'''Chicken''': It must've slipped my mind! <hr width=50%/> ==="Orthodontic Police / Cow with Four Eyes"=== :'''The Red Guy''': [''as the Orthodontic Policeman''] What are you people, a bunch of communists? <hr width=50%/> :'''Teacher''': Nothing is more important than straight teeth. Well, at least that's what the pantsless policeman said. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': ''[After getting his butt kicked by Supercow, he removes the last of the braces off the police officer]'' There, that's the last one. :''[The policeman happily eats his doughnut and runs laughing.]'' :'''The Red Guy''': ''[Is revealed to wear the permanent braces with a satellite attached to them]'' Okay, I did what you said, I removed the braces off everybody. Now can you take off mine?! That was the deal. :'''Chicken''': Oh, I wish we could, but we have already rented you out as a Satellite Tracking Dish. :''[Cow and Chicken laugh as the Red Guy drives away after satellites drop from the sky]'' :'''The Red Guy''': Is there a real orthodontist in the house? ==="Cow Instincts, Don't It? / Ballerina Cow"=== :'''Cow''': I'm a big fat loser! :'''Chicken''': I could have told you the big and fat part. <hr width=50%/> ==="Chicken's First Kiss / Squirt the Daisies"=== :'''Winney''': Hi Chicken! I like your wattle! Do you clean it with special soap to make it so shiny?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mom''': Oh Chicken! You don't get cooties from being kissed; listen to Father! :'''Chicken''': You don't? :'''Dad''': No son. you get them from... toilet seats. <hr width=50%/> ==="Space Cow / The Legend of Sailcat"=== :'''Chicken''': [''to Cow''] They'd never let you go in outer space. There's no room! <hr width=50%/> ==="Headhunting in Oregon / The King and Queen of Cheese"=== :'''Dad''': We're going to Oregon to find some head hunters. <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': Walter Jeans-Begone, headhunter guide, at your service! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Hello! It's me, Larry Lackapants, Arkansas Cheese master, soon to be the King & Queen of Cheese! <hr width=50%/> ==Season 2== ==="Fluffy the Anaconda / The Laughing Puddle"=== :'''Chicken''': Is anything in this cartoon ever going to make sense? <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': The cartoon you just saw is true. The water in the Laughing Puddle is what scientists call THICK WATER!!! Meaning that it has molecules the size of WATERMELONS!!! TOO THICK TO RUN DOWN THE HOLE, but thin enough for our characters to pass through! If you ever get a chance to jump into Thick Water, DO IT!!! It feels really gooey! [''laughs softly''] <hr width=50%/> ==="Tongue Sandwich / Dream Date Chicken"=== :'''Cow''': Uh, I believe... :'''Tongue:''' He went that way. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': [Humming as she runs the vacuum] :'''Mom''': Chicken, why don't you take a hint from your sister and take out the garbage? :'''Chicken''': [Begins raging] Stop rattin' on me! Why do I always have to do everything around here?! [''Breaks the T.V.''] GET OFF MY CASE! [''Banging his fists the walls in tune with his line''] :'''Mom''': Honey, talk to your son; I had just about all I can take. [''Runs away, crying''] :'''Dad''': Listen here, Chief: when you're all grown up and living like some hopped up and crazy bachelor, you can sleep on a pile of garbage for all I care! But as long as you're living under my roof, you've got to live by my rules! :'''Chicken''': But- :'''Dad''': That's it! I'll have no back-talk, Mister! You're grounded! [''Chicken goes into his room and slams the door''] [''Cow opens the door and gasps''] <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': Where are you going? :'''Chicken''': I am runnin' away to be a bachelor with cousin Boneless Chicken. No one tells him what to do; he just lays around his cool bachelor pad and does whatever he wants. Hasta la adiós, Cow. [''Chicken hops out of the window''] :'''Cow''': Adiós, big brother. [She moos and then tears up, turning to her own bedroom] Oh, Chicken's a grown-up bachelor, and... I'm all alone! [Sits on the floor and cries] Ooh, I want to play grown-up bachelor, too! [Continues crying] <hr width=50%/> :'''Red Guy''': YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! For being a run away chicken. YOU TOO! Linda. FOR CONTRIBUTION TO THE DELQUINCY OF A CHICKEN! [laughing] OKAY, MEN! Get ready for your PUNISHMENT! ==="Dirty Laundry / Grizzly Beaver Safari"=== :'''The Red Guy''': Geraldo Rearviewa, Super Cow critic. ==="The Bad News Plastic Surgeons / The Exchange Stüdent"=== :'''Teacher''': Everybody just shut your porktraps for a minute! <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Plastic surgery isn't just a sport, it's l a way of life. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Oh, I like your spirit. You're hired. Oh, by the way, who did your wattle? <hr width=50%/> :'''The Red Guy''': Which one of you weenies is our victim-slash-volunteer? <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': Nip and tuck, short and curl, my brother Chicken is not a girl! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chicken''': Couldn't have done this without you, Dr. Hiney. :'''The Red Guy''': Oh, please call me Dr. Hiney. <hr width=50%/> :'''Policeman''': Hey, it says here you're a plastic pipe salesman from bend Oregon! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chicken''': He wasn't even a New Mexican... <hr width=50%/> :'''Cow''': Mom! Dad! Photo-realistic beaver is teasing me again! <hr width=50%/> ==Season 3== ==="Can Cow Come Out and Play?"=== :'''The Red Guy''': ''[riding his bike]'' Oh, nobody wants to play with me. I don't understand why! <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': Be free, world! Yonder forth! And populate! ''[sighs]'' :''[As they run out of a trailer, numerous people trample Red under their feet]'' :'''The Red Guy''': Ouch, oh, oh, ow, oh, oh, oh! Oh. Ow! Oh, have a nice day! This is the happiest day of my life. :''[Mom, Dad and Chicken standing on Red, Cow catches up to them]'' :'''Cow''': Oh, Mom, Dad, Big Brother! You're okay! Oh, I was so worried about you! Oh, you are a very bad ma... lady... whatever you are... for locking up everyone in the world in a trailer. :'''The Red Guy''': Sorry. :'''Dad''': You know, kids? Being locked up in a trailer with the whole world has taught us a valuable lesson. :'''Chicken''': Yeah? What is it? :'''Dad''': Beats me! :'''Mom''': But I'm sure it's valuable! :''[Mom, Dad and Cow are laughing except Chicken]'' :'''Chicken''': I think I liked it better in the trailer. ==="Chicken in the Bathroom"=== :''[Mom has ordered Chicken to stay in the tub until he takes a bath, and Mom, Dad, and Cow need to use the toilet]'' :'''Dad''': Chicken? Hurry up and take that bath, I gotta get in there! :'''Chicken''': No dice. :'''Cow''': Chicken? Are you done yet? I need to visit the reading room... to read? :'''Mom''': Me too, Chicken, can I, um, use the bathroom too? :'''Dad''': Come on son, I gotta core the apple! :'''Mom''': I have to launch the raft! :'''Dad''': Come on Chicken, I have to brick up the chimney! :'''Cow''': I need to stir the bean, big brother! Will you be much longer? :'''Chicken''': I ain't takin' no bath! :'''Dad''': Come on! I gotta, uh, uh, feed the ducks. :'''Cow''': Why don't you just get it over with, Chicken? I need to wax the board! :'''Chicken''': The bathroom is closed for the duration. :'''Dad''': Chicken! For crying out loud, I gotta jump the gun! :'''Mom''': ''I can't hold it any longer!'' ...Could you please hurry honey? :'''Cow''': ''I gotta peel the onions!'' :'''Chicken''': How rude! Not while I am in the tub, bub! :'''Mom''': Hurry up! Chicken! I gotta wash the window! :'''Dad''': I gotta make peace with the Germans! :'''Mom''': Gotta run for Congress here! :'''All three''': Come on Chicken, take a bath already! :'''Cow''': Chicken! It's time to flip the pickles! :'''Dad''': Come on, Chicken! :'''Mom''': I gotta resole the family christen! :'''Cow''': I simply must pull the rip cord! :'''Dad''': I must wash the windows! :'''Mom''': I, I, I gotta spoon the balls! :'''Cow''': Let the little puppies run! Please? :'''Dad''': Gotta shake hands with the President! :'''Mom''': Gotta press the issue! :'''Cow''': Chicken, I need to let the cat out! :'''Dad''': It's time to drive the governor home... :'''Mom''': I... need... to... stuff... the... olives! :'''Cow''': Have to shuck the corn! :'''Mom''': Oooh! It is time to ''burp the baby''! :'''Cow''': May I please stabber out the facts? :'''Mom''': I... I... got... to... strike... my... pansy! :'''Cow''': Lay some carpet, por favor! :'''Dad''': Gotta talk to the boss! THAT IS IT, CHICKEN!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Dad''': Okay, men. I've got a plan. <hr width=50%> :'''Dad''' Ready or not, Chicken! (He, Mom, and Cow let out a battle cry and surround Chicken.) Son, if you don’t take a bath, then we'll give you one! :'''Chicken''': (gasps) <hr width=50%> ===Chickens Don't Fly=== :''[Cow and Chicken approach the airplane, where they are greeted by the Red Guy.]'' :'''The Red Guy''': Hello! I'm Bunny, your Flight Attendant! Oh, isn't it a great day to be HURLED THROUGH THE AIR, twenty-three billion feet above the Earth, with only a vewy, vewy thin sheet of aluminium between you and A TEN MINUTE SCREAMING DROP to an abrupt stop? ===Chicken Lips=== :'''Chicken''': Not only am I not a boy, I'm not even a chicken! ''[breaks into tears]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cow''': Ooh, I hope my big bwudder is gonna be okay, oh, if only I hadn't been whistwing in fwont of him, he wouwdn't have faced in dis wife, oh... I wish I nevew whistwed again in my wife! <hr width=50%> :'''Cow''': Evewyone can whistwe, Chicken, it is one of wife's speciaw out gifts. <hr width=50%> ===101 Uses For Cow and Chicken=== :'''Cow''': ''[with a price tag on her labelled 19 cent]'' My buns are only 19 cents? ''[tearfully]'' '''I AM SO''' '''''CHEAP!!!''''' ''[sobbing and mooing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': GOOD MORNING! Coffee, grandma? I think you'd make a ''great'' coffee cup. ''[opens up Chicken's beak, pours coffee in him, and starts spilling the coffee on himself]'' It leaks. <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': ''[uses Chicken as a face towel]'' Hey, you're not ''bad'' as a towel! ''[looks at himself in the mirror; gasps]'' Oh! I didn't brush my teeth this year! Guess what ''you'' get to be! [squirts toothpaste on Chicken and starts brushing his teeth with him; spits in the sink] Ooh. I NEED A NICE CLOSE SHAVE! [sharpens Chicken's beak on a belt; starts shaving his chin and his tongue with Chicken] [shaves his armpit] AHH! CAN'T YOU AT LEAST HUM A LITTLE?! WORK WITH ME HERE! :'''Chicken''': ''[blows raspberry at him]'' :'''The Red Guy''': THAT'S '''''IT!''''' NOW MY SHAVER'S SPITTING AT ME! I've been ripped off! YOU GUYS ARE USELESS! I'm taking you back to the store. ==Season 4== ===I Scream Man=== :'''Chicken''': My waddle is getting all wrinkly. I sure could use somethin' to wet my whistle. ''[Cow squirts milk at him]'' Somethin' besides ''that''. <hr width=50%> :''[Cow and Chicken get caught by Dad while trying to catch the Arbor Day Pig.]'' :'''Cow''': We're busted. :'''Dad''': Oh, you kids know that you can't open this piggie until Arbor Day. ''[Arbor Day Pig has sticker labelled "Do Not Open 'Til Arbor Day" on his butt]'' :'''Arbor Day Pig''': Ha! :'''Dad''': And that's three days away. ''[Pig blows raspberry, but then gasps]'' <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': DING DING '''''DING''''' DING DING DING DING! STUPID SONG IS DRIVING ME... nuts! <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': ''[with Cow and Chicken chasing him]'' THIS IS MADNESS!!! ''[screams]'' LEAVE ME ALONE!!! <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': Oh ''crud''! I must've thrown out all my ice cream at those funny-looking kids. ''[gives Chicken ice cubes in an ice cream cone]'' Here you go, duck. :'''Chicken''': Hey! This is just a ''cone'' with ice cubes in it! :'''The Red Guy''': And your point is? '''''NEXT!''''' :'''Cow''': Do you have any gravy freezies? :'''The Red Guy''': NO! :'''Cow''': Frozen pork buttocks? :'''The Red Guy''': NO! :'''Cow''': A beaver-tail cone surprise? :'''The Red Guy''': How about a beaver ''in'' a cone? ''[pulls out a beaver in a cone]'' SURPRISE! ''[leaps out of his ice cream truck]'' AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I DON'T ''HAVE'' ANY ICE CREAM, NONE WHATSO'''''EVER!''''' I don't even like ice cream. OR ''KIDS''! It says "I Scream" on my truck, not ice cream! Get it? Cause... I '''''SCREAM!''''' Look at me. ''[spins in circles]'' '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' Ooh. ''[chuckles]'' Screaming is my hobby! :'''Police Officer''': ''[hits The Red Guy with sausage]'' It's the padded cell for you, scream man! <hr width=50%> :'''Mom''': How about some frozen Arbor Day piggie pops? :'''Arbor Day Pig''': PIGGIE POPS?! OKAY! THAT IS ''IT''! TIME OUT! I've put enough with psychological torture for one pig! YOU GUYS ARE '''''CANNIBALS!''''' DO YOU '''''HEAR''''' ME?! YOU'RE ALL OFF YOUR ''NUT!'' ''[runs away screaming]'' :'''Mom''': What is up with ''that''? :'''Dad''': You know, Mama, we lose more Arbor Day piggies that way. <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': No actual Arbor Day piggies were hurt during the making of this film. But ''I'' was. My feelings were hurt! More than once! There was the first time in scene 40 and that once in scene 57 and... did you know that I do my own STUNTS? No stunt double for The Red Guy, oh no, no, no, no. ''[looks around]'' Feiss will not spring for that, no! I'm not good enough for a STUNT DOUBLE! ''[starts sobbing]'' OH, LIFE'S NOT FAIR! All right, you can end now. ''[laughs]'' END! ===Duck, Duck Chicken!/The Great Pantzini=== :'''Slappy the Pig''': See, kids? It's like I told you. You can surgically alter a chicken into a duck, but he's still the duck. All right, kids, forget what I said at the beginning of the show. Sometimes a sack of manure can be a duck. Oh, that's not right?! I don't know! I am not a scientist! I am a pig! WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?! I AM BACON, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! :'''The Red Guy''': The producers wish to apologise for the previous Slappy the Pig insert, it was a PATHETIC AND DESPERATE ATTEMPT ON THE PART OF SLAPPY TO PROLONG HIS LIFE! :'''Narrator''': The producers wish to apologise for the previous outburst by the pantless actor who no longer works for the show. We are sorry... END! <hr width=50%> :'''The Red Guy''': Would you like to have your laughter back, too? ''[Laughs proudly crazy]'' END!!! ===The Cow and Chicken Blues/The Ballad of Cow and Chicken=== :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''The Red Guy''': Yeah! hold it, It was brilliant! Bravo! Get up, my little crab friends. Ow! Oh, oh. Ow! Oh, oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Easy with the pinchers. Ow! Ow! Oh. I did not have to bring you guys tonight! Looks like Red Guy always gets in the END! Ha, ha, ha, ha! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Charlie Adler|Charlie Adler]] as C. the Cow; C. the Chicken; I.B. Lucifer the Red Guy. * [[w:Brendan Fraser|Brendan Fraser]] as Boneless the Chicken. * [[Dee Bradley Baker]] as Dad. * [[w:Candi Milo|Candi Milo]] as Mom and Teacher. * [[w:Howard Morris|Howard Morris]] as Flem. * [[w:Dan Castellaneta|Dan Castellaneta]] as Earl. * [[w:Jess Harnell|Jess Harnell]] as Cerberus. ==See also== [[I Am Weasel]] ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0118289|title=Cow and Chicken}} [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:TV shows about cows]] [[Category:TV shows about chickens]] [[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]] [[Category:Cartoon Network shows]] [[Category:Adult Swim shows]] keur7sywfim33sy9cbyqm4mpdrxw7yb 0 11639 3955171 3953642 2026-06-21T23:31:45Z ~2026-21077-47 3308386 /* Dialogue */ 3955171 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Major League (film)|Major League]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] about the hapless Cleveland Indians, whose new owner purposely puts together a horrible team so they'll lose and she can move the team. But when the plot is uncovered, they start winning just to spite her. :''Written and directed by [[w:David S. Ward|David S. Ward]].'' {{center|'''When these three oddballs try to play hardball, the result is totally screwball.''' [[#taglines|taglines]]}} == Jake Taylor == * [''in Mexico, upon receiving a phone call asking him to report to Cleveland Indians spring training''] ... is that you, Tolbert?! This isn't very funny, you know. I'm hung over! My knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees! * [''to Rexman''] Hey, Rexman! Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, you guys trailing by one in the ninth. You got a chance to be a hero on national television–if you don't blow it. By the way, I saw your wife at the Capri Lounge last night. Hell of a dancer. You must be very very proud. Oh, and that guy she was with? Oh, I'm sure he's a close personal friend and all, but tell me, what was he doing wearing her panties on his head? [''Rexman pops the ball straight up''] Uh-oh, Rexy I don't think this one's got the distance. * Second base... ''[underthrows second baseman]'' shit. * [''about to find out whether he's made the team''] Come on Jake. It's only your life. * ''[He tries to throw a runner out, talking to himself]'' Don't bounce the damn ball...''[Overthrows the second baseman]'' Nice throw, dickhead. * ''[preparing for Vaughn's first pitch to Heywood. Vaughn shakes off the breaking pitches, until Taylor finally signals for a fastball, which Vaughn nods at]'' Alright, Ricky. Let's get nasty. * ''[to Heywood when he swings and misses on Vaughn's 97 MPH fastball]'' Sucker was moving, wasn't it? If it'd hit you, it'd leave a 2-foot hole coming out. == Willie Mays Hayes == * [''sliding into home plate in a tux''] The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it. * [''Introducing himself''] Say, hey! Willie Mays Hayes. I play like [[w: Willie Mays|Mays]], and I run like [[w:Bob Hayes|Hayes]]. * Don't you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display. * Cerrano's looking for some extra power for tonight. He's looking to sacrifice a live chicken. Hey Jake, man, we can't have people puking in the locker room before the game! * [''later, with Cerrano about to strike out again''] We should've got the live chicken. == Harry Doyle == * In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few here and there, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar. * Vaughn, a juvenile delinquent in the off-season, in his major league debut. * Vaughn into the windup for his first offering... [''ball thrown several feet off the plate''] ''Just'' a bit outside. He tried the corner and missed. * Ball four...ball eight...low and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on twelve straight pitches. Boy, how can these guys lay off pitches that close? * Just a reminder fans about Die Hard Night coming up here in the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant. [''35 years prior.''] * The post-game show is brought to you by... [''searches through his papers''] Christ, I can't find it. The hell with it! * Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor. * Vaughn deals...and Heywood swings and crushes one towards South America. Tomlinson will need a visa to catch this one, it is out of here and there is nothing left but a vapor trail. ''[extended version]'' Let's hope we still have diplomatic relations with the country that baby lands in. * Well, you can close the book on Kellner. [''covers microphone with hand and turns to Monty''] Thank God! * We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a helluva job. * Heywood's a convicted felon, isn't he Monty? [Monty: Ah...doesn't really say it here.] Well, he should be! * Hayes is picked off! Well, so much for that. Personally I think we got hosed on that call. * And for the Indians, that's one run on, let's see...one hit? That's all we got?, one goddamn hit? [Monty: You can't say "goddamn" on the air!] Don't worry; nobody's listening anyway. * And the Indians win it! The Indians win it! OH MY GOD, THE INDIANS WIN IT! == Lou Brown == * Forget about the curve ball, Ricky. Give him the heater! * [''After Hayes has made a Willie Mays style basket catch''] Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fucking do it again. * Well, you may run like Mays, but you hit like shit. With your speed, you should be hitting the ball on the ground and be legging them out. Every time I see you hit one in the air, you owe me twenty push-ups. * [''After Dorn has jumped out of the way of a ground ball and then tried to field it anyway''] C'mon, Dorn! Get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this '¡Olé!' bullshit! * [''Contemplating Rick Vaughn in sleeveless uniform''] Alright, Vaughn. They tell us you're a pitcher; you're sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves at this level, son! Understood? == Others == * '''Eddie Harris''': Up your butt, Jobu. * '''Eddie Harris''': Are you trying to say that Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball? * '''Eddie Harris''': Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill. * '''Pedro Cerrano''': [''having decided on a new use for Dorn's golf club covers''] Hats for bats, keep bats warm. * '''Pedro Cerrano''': I'm pissed off now, Jobu... I go to you. I stick up for you. And you no help me now... I say FUCK YOU, Jobu. I do it myself. * '''Pedro Cerrano''': Is very bad to steal Jobu's rum... Is ''very'' bad. * '''Roger Dorn''': Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: Strike this motherfucker out! * '''Roger Dorn''': [''Talking about a ground ball he missed''] It was out of my reach. What did you want me to do, ''dive'' for it? * '''Rachel Phelps''': Here's to the thrill of defeat, Charlie. * '''Rachel Phelps''': [''while Wild Thing is playing''] I hate this fucking song. == Dialogue == :'''Charlie Donovan''': Well, if I'm the G.M., who's gonna be the manager? :'''Rachel Phelps''': I was thinking of Lou Brown. :'''Charlie Donovan''': ''[turns the vase of flowers partially blocking his view]'' Who's Lou Brown? :'''Rachel Phelps''': He's managed the Toledo Mud Hens of the International League for the last 30 years. I think he'll fit right into our team concept. :'''Charlie Donovan''': What exactly ''is'' our team concept? :'''Rachel Phelps''': That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Charlie: I want to put together a team that'll help us relocate to Miami. :'''Charlie Donovan''': What do you mean? ''[holds up the roster of spring training invitees]'' Some of these guys are furniture movers? :'''Rachel Phelps''': I'm serious about this, Charlie. It's no secret I've never liked Cleveland much. ''[sighs]'' Stadium's falling apart, we don't draw dick, the weather's lousy. Another couple years of this, and I'm gonna have to start feeding Cha-Cha real dog food. :'''Charlie Donovan''': Mrs. Phelps, you just can't up and move a team on a whim. :'''Rachel Phelps''': It's hardly a "whim". Miami's offered to build us a new stadium. 62,000 capacity, 45 VIP boxes, and for me, a mansion in Boca Raton, plus free membership in the Palm Beach Polo and Country Club. Now, no other franchise in baseball can match that deal. :'''Charlie Donovan''': The league will never let us leave Cleveland. We got a lease with the city. :'''Rachel Phelps''': ''[promptly gives Charlie a copy of the lease]'' The lease says we have the right to move if the attendance falls below 800,000 for the year; paragraph 40, line 17. If we play bad enough, we should be able to come in under that. :'''Charlie Donovan''': What're you saying, you want us to lose? :'''Rachel Phelps''': No, we've ''been'' losing...What I want is for us to finish ''dead last''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lou''': I thought you said we didn't have any high-priced talent. :'''Charlie Donovan''': Forgot about Dorn, cause he's only high-priced. Picked him up as a free agent three years ago. :'''Lou''': Still hits the ball pretty well, doesn't he? :'''Charlie Donovan''': Yeah, just can't field it. ''[Dorn gives cocky gesture to them]'' :'''Lou''': We'll shape him up. <hr width=50%/> :''[Vaughn pulls up on a motorcycle]'' :'''Pepper''': Look at this fuckin' guy. :'''Lou''': ''[Chuckles]'' It's my kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lou''': ''[After Dorn boots a grounder]'' C'mon, Dorn! Get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this olè bullshit! :'''Roger''': Look, I took one of those in the eye last year, and I am not about to lose my sight! :'''Lou''': ''[Unconcerned]'' I'm deeply moved. Every time I see you play one your hips, you owe me forty sit-ups. :'''Roger''': What? :''[Later on, Roger appears with a contract]'' :'''Roger''': Look here, Lou. My contract clearly states I don't have to do any calisthenics that I don't feel are necessary. So what do you think about ''that''? :''[Lou grabs the contract, throws it on the ground, and urinates on it before walking away]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[After first day of workouts in spring training]'' :'''Willie''': 200 pushups! How am I supposed to hit if I can't lift my arms? Shit! :'''Jake''': Well, the way I played today, I wouldn't be surprised if they red-tagged me already. :'''Willie''': What do you mean? :'''Jake''': If you get a red tag in your locker, it means the manager wants to see you, because you just died and went back down to the minors. :''[Vaughn, starting to open his locker, stops at this. Taylor notices.]'' :'''Jake''': Hey, don't worry, kid. They don't cut anybody on the first day. ''[Vaughn nonetheless keeps his locker closed.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Rick''': What's that shit on your chest? :'''Eddie''': ''[wipes his finger across his chest]'' Crisco, ''[Runs his hand through his hair]'' Bardol, ''[Wipes his finger on his hip]'' Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. 'Course if the umps are watching me real close I just rub a little jalapeño juice up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up I just... ''[wipes his nose]'' ...wipe my nose. :'''Rick''': You put ''snot'' on the ball? :'''Eddie''': I haven't got an arm like yours; I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too. <hr width=50%/> :''[Last day of spring training]'' :'''Player #1''': ''[As the players go back to the clubhouse]'' Final cut day today, isn't it? :'''Player #2''': Afraid so. :'''Vaughn''': ''[Stops just outside the door]'' I don't wanna go in there. :'''Taylor''': Look, no matter what happens, just keep it to yourself until you're out of the clubhouse. You don't wanna celebrate in front of those who'd just died. ''[Goes inside]'' :'''Hayes''': Yeah, but what if we're already one of the deceased, huh? <hr width=50%/> :'''Haywood''': Taylor, what are you doin' back up here? :'''Taylor''': I couldn't cut it in the Mexican Leagues. :'''Haywood''': How's your wife and my kids? <hr width=50%/> :'''Willie Mays Hayes''': Call the stewardess, Vaughn. I need one of those bags! :'''Rick Vaughn''': There aren't any stewardesses. :'''Willie Mays Hayes''': I wonder if there are any pilots! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jake Taylor''': Um, the Indians. :'''Chaire Holloway''': Here in Cleveland? I didn't know they still had a team! :'''Jake''': Yup, we've got uniforms and everything, it's really great! <hr width=50%/> :'''Diner Waitress''': Spring training starts on the 1st. How do you think the Indians will do this year? :'''Diner patron''': ''[Reading newspaper]'' Doesn't look too good. :''[Cuts to a construction site]'' :'''Construction worker''': These guys don't look too fucking good. :''[Cuts to two Japanese groundskeepers working on the Indians playing field]'' :'''Groundskeeper #1''': ''[In Japanese]'' They're shitty. :'''Groundskeeper #2''': ''Hai.'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Spring training has ended, Indians roster is announced.]'' :'''Diner patron''': ''[Reading roster]'' Ricky Vaughn? Willie Hayes? I've never heard of most of these guys...Mitchell Friedman?? :''[Cuts to construction site]'' :'''Construction worker''': Who are these fuckin' guys? :''[Cuts to groundskeepers]'' :'''Groundskeeper #1''': ''[In Japanese]'' They're shitty. :'''Groundskeeper #2''': ''Hai'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Near middle of the season, Indians starting to climb out of last place]'' :'''Diner patron''': You know, they could be a lot worse. :''[Cuts to construction site]'' :'''Construction worker''': You know, these guys ain't so fuckin' bad. :''[Cuts to groundskeepers]'' :'''Groundskeeper #1''': ''[In Japanese]'' They're still shitty. :'''Groundskeeper #2''': ''Hai'' <hr width=50%/> :[''wearing tuxedos, the whole team stands behind Home Plate''] :'''All''': Hello. Do you know us? :[''putting on their caps''] :'''All''': We're a Major League Baseball team. :'''Jake''': But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us - not even in our own home town. :'''Eddie''': That's why we carry the American Express card. :'''Rick''': No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places. :'''Pedro''': So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter. :'''Roger''': ''[Acting very stiffly compared to everyone else]'' Look what it's done for us. People still DON'T recognize us but... [''snaps his fingers''] :'''Lou''': We're contenders now. :'''Willie''': [''slides into Home Plate and holds up a green credit card''] The American Express card: Don't steal home without it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jake''': That's my wife... :'''Willie''': Does she know that? :'''Jake''': Well, she would've been if I hadn't screwed it up... who's that guy she's with? :'''Willie''': I don't know. He's not wearing a name tag. :'''Rick''': Want me to drag him outta here, kick the shit out of him? <hr width=50%/> :'''Harry''': [''reading statistics on the air''] And the Tribe drops this one, 6-to-one to the Rangers. For the Indians, one run on, let's see, one hit...that's all we got? One god-damn hit? :'''Monty''': [''covering microphone''] You can't say "god-damn" on the air! :'''Harry''': Don't worry. Nobody's listening, anyway. <hr width=50%/> :'''Charlie Donovan''': Vaughn's been looking good out there today. :'''Rachel Phelps''': Don't worry, he'll blow it. <hr width=50%/> :[''the Indians board reacting to ''Rachel Phelps'''s spring training roster''] :'''Board Member #1''': I've never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime. :'''Charlie''': Most of these guys never ''had'' a prime. :'''Rachel Phelps''': The facts are, we lost our two best players to free agency. We haven't won a pennant in over thirty-five years, we haven't placed higher than 4th in the last fifteen. Obviously, it's time for some changes. :'''Board Member #2''': This guy here is ''dead''. :'''Rachel Phelps''': [''obviously...''] Cross him ''off'', then. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lou''': [''answering the phone''] Tire World. :'''Charlie''': Lou, it's Charlie Donovan with the Cleveland Indians. How would you like to manage the Indians this year? :'''Lou''': Gee, I don't know... :'''Charlie''': What do you mean, you don't know? This is a chance to manage in the big leagues. :'''Lou''': Lemme think it over, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line about some white walls. I'll talk to ya later. <hr width=50%/> :'''Charlie''': We heard about your pitching out of Portland last year... :'''Rick''': I'm not really with them anymore... :'''Charlie''': We'd still like to take a look at you in our spring training camp in Arizona, March the first. :'''Rick''': ''[Camera cuts to show Vaughn's in prison]''I'm, uh...not sure I can make it by then. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jake''': ''Que pasa'' there, Pedro? :'''Pedro''': Bats, they are sick. I can no hit curve ball. Straight ball, I hit it very much. Curve ball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar and rum. He will come. :'''Eddie''': You know, you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff. :'''Roger''': Shit, Harris! [''leaves''] :'''Pedro''': Ah, ''Jesus'' (pronounced "hay-seuss"). I like him very much, but he no help with curve ball. :'''Eddie''': You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball? :'''Jake''': Ok, Harris, let's not start a holy war here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': ''[As they part with a handshake and smiles]'' Stay away from her. :'''Jake''': Suck my dick. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jake''': [''at the library, discussing Jake's one-night stand with a flight attendant''] I had no choice. She bet me fifty dollars that she had a better body than you and I had to defend your honor. :'''Lynn Wells''': Oh, what a bunch of bullshit! I have a much better body than she does! :[''everyone in the library turns to look''] :'''Jake''': [''to others''] She's right. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rick''': I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven't heard the last of me. You may think I'm shit now, but someday you're gonna be sorry you cut me. I'm gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I'm gonna stick it up your fuckin' ass! [''throws baseball against locker''] :'''Lou''': Good! I like that kind of spirit in a player. The only problem is I didn't cut you. :'''Rick''': What? :'''Lou''': I think someone's been having some fun with you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Roger''': [''after Rick tackled him, and the two have been separated''] Don't fuck with me, Vaughn! :'''Rick''': Yeah? [''shouting''] Fuck you! :'''Roger''': What's the matter, rookie Fuck-Wad? Can't you take a little joke? :'''Rick''': Real fucking funny, asshole. :'''Lou''': All right, [''shouting''] All right. Knock that shit off. :'''Roger''': Lou, you better make it real clear to this little lady that I'm not about to take his shit. :'''Lou''': Shut up, Dorn, Save all that energy for the field, we gotta long way ta go before the seasons over. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jake''': What I was concerned with was why you didn't come up with that grounder that Ryckert hit in the 9th? :'''Roger''': It was out of my reach. What did you want me to do, ''dive'' for it? :'''Jake''': Rog, it could have meant the game! :'''Roger''': Oh come on, cut the rah rah shit Taylor! Year after this I go free agent. Plus me and my agent got a couple of plans for life after baseball. So I am not about to risk major injury or deface this property for a collection of stiffs! :'''Jake''': Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. You were really great, once. If you wanna be an interior decorator now, that's none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don't know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I'm gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your fuckin' throat! :'''Suzanne Dorn''': ...Coffee anyone? <hr width=50%/> :'''Willie''': [''looks over Jake's shoulder and see's him reading a comic book''] Moby Dick? What you reading that for? :'''Jake''': This happens to be a masterpiece of American Literature. :'''Willie''': [''chuckles''] Lynn turn you on to that? :'''Jake''': Yeah... a long time ago. :'''Willie''': Well listen, if we ever get out of here, me and the other guys are going to a club later on tonight. You want to come with us? :'''Jake''': [''frustrated''] Oh, I can't, I got some reading to do. :'''Willie''': [''rolls his eyes''] What man, you got a test or something? Jake, man, why don't you just go over there and see her? Maybe she'll let you slide on a couple of these. :'''Jake''': Well, I would if I knew where she lived. :'''Willie''': That's easy! Just tail her home from the library. :'''Jake''': You mean sit in my car and wait for her to get out of work and then follow her? That's kind of juvenile, don't you think? :'''Willie''': [''ponders it for a split second''] Yeah! <hr width=50%/> :'''Willie''': What the hell league you been playing in? :'''Rick''': California Penal... :'''Willie''': Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there? :'''Rick''': Stole a car. <hr width=50%/> :'''Harry''': [''before the playoff game''] Monty, anything to add? :'''Monty''': Ummm... no. :'''Harry''': He's not the best color man in the league for nothing, folks! <hr width=50%/> :'''Heywood''': [''after Hayes reached on a bloop infield single''] You really knocked the crap out of that one. :'''Willie''': Oh, I plan to get at least a double out of this. [''shows Heywood his black gloves''] I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I'm gonna steal. Excuse me, I gotta take my first step toward the Hall of Fame. :'''Heywood''': My ass. :'''Harry''': [''Hayes takes his lead off first base''] We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a hell of a job. :'''Heywood''': You're gonna look real sharp, tryin' to steal second with your shoe untied. :'''Harry''': [''Hayes looks down, then gets thrown out by the pitcher''] Throw to first... Hayes is picked off! Personally, I think we got hosed on that call. <hr width=50%/> :''[Charlie visits Lou in the manager's office before the team leaves New York, after another loss to the Yankees]'' :'''Charlie Donovan''': Hi, Lou. :'''Lou''': Donovan, what're you doing here? :'''Charlie Donovan''': Well, I just wanted to get back out on the road again. You know, you had a hell of a road trip. You nearly pulled that one out today. :'''Lou''': Someday, we'll figure out a way to beat those guys. :'''Charlie Donovan''': You know, you've done a great job this year. :'''Lou''': 60–61 is hardly a great job. :'''Charlie Donovan''': With this club, it is. :'''Lou''': You know, there's a lot of talent on this club, Charlie. The veterans are starting to play back to form, and the rookies are developing faster than I thought; there's two or three potential All-Stars in there. I think we're a contender right now. :'''Charlie Donovan''': You really believe that, don't you? :'''Lou''': I know it. All we need is something to bring it all together. :'''Charlie Donovan''': ...Rachel Phelps will never allow that to happen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lou''': [''at a team meeting''] Can I have your attention, please? I have something I think you all ought to know about. It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn't think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami... and get rid of all of us for better personnel. :'''Roger''': Even me? :'''Lou''': Even you, Dorn. :'''Eddie''': What if we DON'T finish last? :'''Lou''': She'll REPLACE you with somebody who WILL. After this season, you'll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release. :'''Jake''': [''stands''] Well then, I guess there's only one thing left to do. :'''Roger''': What's that? :'''Jake''': Win the whole...fucking...thing. :[''long pause''] :'''Willie''': [''stands''] Yeah. :'''Pedro''': [''pounds his hand''] YES! <hr width=50%/> :[''Vaughn has just given up a grand slam in his first appearance of the season''] :'''Pepper''': You want me to go get him? :'''Lou''': No, let's see how he reacts. :'''Harry''': Well Brown is apparently going to stick with Vaughn here as the Indians trail 8-0. Coleman steps in - a .281 lifetime hitter. Taylor with the sign; Vaughn into the motion with his pitch. :[''Vaughn beans Coleman between the shoulder blades''] :'''Harry''': Uh oh! :'''Lou''': Interesting. :'''Harry''': 'Bout time, it's 8-0. :'''Umpire''': [''To Vaughn''] You! You're gone! :'''Rick''': What?! :'''Umpire''': You heard me, you're gone! :'''Rick''': He was right on top of the plate! :'''Lou''': I think you can go get him now. :'''Rick''': The ball slipped out of my hand, it was an accident! :'''Umpire''': You threw at him intentionally. :'''Rick''': Oh, kiss my ass! :'''Umpire''': Get out of here. :'''Rick''': You're full of shit! Fuck you! :'''Umpire''': Get out of here, rookie! :'''Rick''': Hey, why don't you blow me, ump?! <hr width=50%/> :''[Brown and Taylor go out to the mound to Harris, with the bases loaded and Heywood about to come to bat]'' :'''Lou''': ''[takes the ball from Taylor]'' How's it holding up, Eddie? You look a little tired. :'''Eddie''': I'm throwin' every piece of junk I can think of at 'em, skipper. I got enough left for one more hitter. :'''Lou''': Naw, you've pitched a helluva game. Take a seat, we'll see if we can get this guy out for ya. ''[Harris leaves semi-dejected to the dugout. The crowd gives him a polite standing ovation]'' :'''Jake''': Good game, Eddie. :'''Lou''': ''[gestures to the bullpen]'' Give me Vaughn. :'''Jake''': You want ''Vaughn?'' :'''Lou''': I know he hasn't done very well against this guy, but I got a hunch he's due. == Taglines == * When these three oddballs try to play hardball, the result is totally screwball. * A comedy with bats and balls. == Cast == * [[w:Tom Berenger|Tom Berenger]] - Jake Taylor * [[Charlie Sheen]] - Rick Vaughn * [[Wesley Snipes]] - Willie Mays Hays * [[w:Rene Russo|Rene Russo]] - Lynn Wells * [[w:Corbin Bernsen|Corbin Bernsen]] - Roger Dorn * [[w:Margaret Whitton|Margaret Whitton]] - Rachel Phelps * [[w:James Gammon|James Gammon]] - Lou Brown * [[w:Bob Uecker|Bob Uecker]] - Harry Doyle * [[w:Chelcie Ross|Chelcie Ross]] - Eddie Harris * [[w:Dennis Haysbert|Dennis Haysbert]] - Pedro Cerrano == See also == * ''[[Major League II]]'' ([[1994]]) * ''[[Major League: Back to the Minors]]'' ([[1998]]) == External links == {{wikipedia|Major League (film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0097815|title=Major League}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=major_league|title=Major League}} [[Category:1989 American films]] [[Category:Baseball films]] [[Category:Sports comedy films]] [[Category:Films set in Cleveland]] [[Category:Films about coaches]] mtpmfrqo36tqyu1d40wbl42mz08cvek 0 13666 3955075 3573999 2026-06-21T15:23:09Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* Social Theory and Social Structure (1949) */ 3955075 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Robert K. Merton (1965).jpg|thumb|Robert K. Merton in 1965]] '''[[w:Robert K. Merton|Robert K. Merton]]''' ([[4 July]] [[1910]] – [[23 February]] [[2003]]) was a distinguished American [[sociologist]] perhaps best known for having coined the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy." == Quotes == * The ethos of science involves the functionally necessary demand that theories or generalizations be evaluated in [terms of] their logical consistency and consonance with facts. ** Merton (1938) "Science and the Social Order". In: ''Philosophy of Science'' Vol 5, nr 3, p. 326 * '''The role of outstanding scientists in influencing younger associates is repeatedly emphasized in the interviews with laureates. Almost invariably they lay great emphasis on the importance of problem-''finding'', not only problem-solving.''' They uniformly express the strong conviction that what matters most in their work is a developing sense of taste, of judgment, in acting setting upon problems that are of fundamental importance. And, typically, they report that they acquired this sense for the significant problem during their years of training in evocative environments. Reflecting on his years as a novice in the laboratory of a chemist of the first rank, one laureate reports that he "led me to look for important things, whenever possible, rather than work on endless detail or to work just to improve accuracy rather than making a basic new contribution." ** Merton (1968) "The Matthew Effect In Science", In: ''Science'' Vol. 159, no. 3810 (5 January 1968), p. 56-63: On scientists, the Nobel Prizes, and the [[w:Matthew effect|Matthew effect]] in scientific research. === ''The Sociology of Knowledge,'' (1937) === :''Source'': Robert K. Merton, "The Sociology of Knowledge," in: ''Isis'' (1937), Vol 27. nr.22. p. 493-503 ([http://www.compilerpress.ca/Competitiveness/Anno/Anno%20Merton%20Soc%20of%20Know.htm online]) * The last two decades have witnessed, especially in Germany and France, the rise of a new discipline, the [[sociology of knowledge]] (Wissenssoziologie), with a rapidly increasing number of students and a growing literature (even a “selected bibliography” would include several hundred titles). Since most of the investigations in this field have been concerned with the socio-cultural factors influencing the development of beliefs and opinion rather than of positive knowledge, the term. “Wissen” must be interpreted very broadly indeed, as referring to social ideas and thought generally, and not to the physical sciences, except where expressly indicated. ** p. 493 * It is likely that the emphasis upon the metaphysical and epistemological implications of the [[sociology of knowledge]] can be traced, in part, to the fact that the first proponents of this discipline stemmed largely from philosophical rather than scientific circles. The burden of further research is to turn from this welter of conflicting opinion to empirical investigations which may establish in adequate detail the uniformities pertaining to the appearance, acceptance and diffusion, or rejection and repression, development and consequences of knowledge and ideas. ** p. 503 === ''Social structure and anomie'' (1938) === :''Source'': Merton (1938) ''Social Structure and Anomie''. New York: Irvington * The extreme emphasis upon the accumulation of wealth as a symbol of success in our society militates against the completely effective control of institutionally regulated modes of acquiring a fortune. ** p. 59 * Scientific research is not conducted in a social vacuum. ** p. 263 (1973 Edition) === ''Social Theory and Social Structure'' (1949) === :''Source'': Robert K. Merton (1949) ''Social Theory and Social Structure. Toward the codification of theory and research'' * No man knows fully what has shaped his own thinking ** p. ix (1957 edition) * By social structure is meant that organized set of social relationships in which members of the society or group are variously implicated. ** p. 162 (1957 edition) * [Merton states that anomie represents] An acute disjunction between the cultural norms and goals and the socially structured capacities of members of the group to act in accord with them. ** p. 162 (1957 edition) as cited in: John H. Scanzoni (1970) ''Opportunity and the family''. p. 55 * '''The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a ''false'' definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the original false conception come "true".''' This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning. ** p. 477 (1968 Enlarged edition) ===[https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1994_RobertKMerton.pdf Haskins Lecture] (1994)=== The document wrongly attesting the time of my birth sensitized me early on to an elementary rule of historical method: when reconstructing the past, draw gratefully on archival documents but beware of taking them at face value. (P. 2) == Quotes about Robert K. Merton == * So much of what he says is so absolutely obvious, so transparently true, that one can't imagine why no one else has bothered to point it out. ** {{w|Eugene Garfield}} cited in: Jason Hollander (2003) "[http://www.columbia.edu/cu/news/03/02/robertKMerton.html Renowned Columbia Sociologist and National Medal of Science Winner Robert K. Merton Dies at 92]" on Columbia.edu, Feb. 25, 2003. * Bob Merton became the leader of structural-functional analysis in sociology, and the leader of those sociologists who attempted to create social theories that could be empirically tested... He was an inspirational teacher and editor, and with his students, such as James S. Coleman and Seymour Martin Lipset, among many others who would become leading figures in the field, he helped to build and legitimate the field of sociology in America... For me, he was a model teacher and mentor, a trusted colleague, and a close friend. His death, in many ways, puts a period at the end of 20th Century sociology, ** {{w|Jonathan R. Cole}} cited in: Jason Hollander (2003) "[http://www.columbia.edu/cu/news/03/02/robertKMerton.html Renowned Columbia Sociologist and National Medal of Science Winner Robert K. Merton Dies at 92]" on Columbia.edu, Feb. 25, 2003. == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.faculty.rsu.edu/~felwell/Theorists/Merton/ Merton's Functional Analysis] *[http://www.bolenderinitiatives.com/sociology/robert-king-merton-1910-2003 Review materials for studying Robert King Merton] *[https://www.uzh.ch/cmsssl/suz/dam/jcr:00000000-7fb2-5367-0000-0000522e4c47/03.14_merton_unanticipated_consequences.pdf ''The Unanticipated Consequences of Purposive Social Action''] *[http://www.garfield.library.upenn.edu/merton/list.html Merton Bibliography] *[http://www.mdx.ac.uk/www/study/xmer.htm Extracts from Merton] *[http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&ct=res&cd=5&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.d.umn.edu%2Fcla%2Ffaculty%2Fjhamlin%2F2111%2FReadings%2FMertonAnomie.pdf&ei=i-IjScT7C4T27APHpaGGAQ&usg=AFQjCNGtOVKQg-ms73mp_VjSnwCR6wfZRg&sig2=bZeoevJzdgm4DCAUsmHO5g "Social Structure and Anomie" by Robert K. Merton in ''American Sociological Review'' 3 (October 1938), p. 672-682] {{DEFAULTSORT: Merton, Robert K.}} [[Category:People from Philadelphia]] [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:Sociologists from the United States]] [[Category:1910 births]] [[Category:2003 deaths]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:National Medal of Science laureates]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Columbia University faculty]] nzhc1j4z4ktz8a0aefkez8aek4ev1f4 3955079 3955075 2026-06-21T15:44:18Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* Haskins Lecture (1994) */ 3955079 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Robert K. Merton (1965).jpg|thumb|Robert K. Merton in 1965]] '''[[w:Robert K. Merton|Robert K. Merton]]''' ([[4 July]] [[1910]] – [[23 February]] [[2003]]) was a distinguished American [[sociologist]] perhaps best known for having coined the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy." == Quotes == * The ethos of science involves the functionally necessary demand that theories or generalizations be evaluated in [terms of] their logical consistency and consonance with facts. ** Merton (1938) "Science and the Social Order". In: ''Philosophy of Science'' Vol 5, nr 3, p. 326 * '''The role of outstanding scientists in influencing younger associates is repeatedly emphasized in the interviews with laureates. Almost invariably they lay great emphasis on the importance of problem-''finding'', not only problem-solving.''' They uniformly express the strong conviction that what matters most in their work is a developing sense of taste, of judgment, in acting setting upon problems that are of fundamental importance. And, typically, they report that they acquired this sense for the significant problem during their years of training in evocative environments. Reflecting on his years as a novice in the laboratory of a chemist of the first rank, one laureate reports that he "led me to look for important things, whenever possible, rather than work on endless detail or to work just to improve accuracy rather than making a basic new contribution." ** Merton (1968) "The Matthew Effect In Science", In: ''Science'' Vol. 159, no. 3810 (5 January 1968), p. 56-63: On scientists, the Nobel Prizes, and the [[w:Matthew effect|Matthew effect]] in scientific research. === ''The Sociology of Knowledge,'' (1937) === :''Source'': Robert K. Merton, "The Sociology of Knowledge," in: ''Isis'' (1937), Vol 27. nr.22. p. 493-503 ([http://www.compilerpress.ca/Competitiveness/Anno/Anno%20Merton%20Soc%20of%20Know.htm online]) * The last two decades have witnessed, especially in Germany and France, the rise of a new discipline, the [[sociology of knowledge]] (Wissenssoziologie), with a rapidly increasing number of students and a growing literature (even a “selected bibliography” would include several hundred titles). Since most of the investigations in this field have been concerned with the socio-cultural factors influencing the development of beliefs and opinion rather than of positive knowledge, the term. “Wissen” must be interpreted very broadly indeed, as referring to social ideas and thought generally, and not to the physical sciences, except where expressly indicated. ** p. 493 * It is likely that the emphasis upon the metaphysical and epistemological implications of the [[sociology of knowledge]] can be traced, in part, to the fact that the first proponents of this discipline stemmed largely from philosophical rather than scientific circles. The burden of further research is to turn from this welter of conflicting opinion to empirical investigations which may establish in adequate detail the uniformities pertaining to the appearance, acceptance and diffusion, or rejection and repression, development and consequences of knowledge and ideas. ** p. 503 === ''Social structure and anomie'' (1938) === :''Source'': Merton (1938) ''Social Structure and Anomie''. New York: Irvington * The extreme emphasis upon the accumulation of wealth as a symbol of success in our society militates against the completely effective control of institutionally regulated modes of acquiring a fortune. ** p. 59 * Scientific research is not conducted in a social vacuum. ** p. 263 (1973 Edition) === ''Social Theory and Social Structure'' (1949) === :''Source'': Robert K. Merton (1949) ''Social Theory and Social Structure. Toward the codification of theory and research'' * No man knows fully what has shaped his own thinking ** p. ix (1957 edition) * By social structure is meant that organized set of social relationships in which members of the society or group are variously implicated. ** p. 162 (1957 edition) * [Merton states that anomie represents] An acute disjunction between the cultural norms and goals and the socially structured capacities of members of the group to act in accord with them. ** p. 162 (1957 edition) as cited in: John H. Scanzoni (1970) ''Opportunity and the family''. p. 55 * '''The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a ''false'' definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the original false conception come "true".''' This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning. ** p. 477 (1968 Enlarged edition) ===[https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1994_RobertKMerton.pdf Haskins Lecture] (1994)=== The document wrongly attesting the time of my birth sensitized me early on to an elementary rule of historical method: when reconstructing the past, draw gratefully on archival documents but beware of taking them at face value. (P. 2) ...When I began that short-lived practice as a magician, Houdini became a "role model" (if I may resort to that once well-defined sociological term now become blurred if not vacuous by frequent and indiscriminate use; a term, incidentally, which A Supplement to the Oxford English Dictionary maintains was first used in 1957 by my Columbia research group then at work on The Student Physician). (P. 8) == Quotes about Robert K. Merton == * So much of what he says is so absolutely obvious, so transparently true, that one can't imagine why no one else has bothered to point it out. ** {{w|Eugene Garfield}} cited in: Jason Hollander (2003) "[http://www.columbia.edu/cu/news/03/02/robertKMerton.html Renowned Columbia Sociologist and National Medal of Science Winner Robert K. Merton Dies at 92]" on Columbia.edu, Feb. 25, 2003. * Bob Merton became the leader of structural-functional analysis in sociology, and the leader of those sociologists who attempted to create social theories that could be empirically tested... He was an inspirational teacher and editor, and with his students, such as James S. Coleman and Seymour Martin Lipset, among many others who would become leading figures in the field, he helped to build and legitimate the field of sociology in America... For me, he was a model teacher and mentor, a trusted colleague, and a close friend. His death, in many ways, puts a period at the end of 20th Century sociology, ** {{w|Jonathan R. Cole}} cited in: Jason Hollander (2003) "[http://www.columbia.edu/cu/news/03/02/robertKMerton.html Renowned Columbia Sociologist and National Medal of Science Winner Robert K. Merton Dies at 92]" on Columbia.edu, Feb. 25, 2003. == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.faculty.rsu.edu/~felwell/Theorists/Merton/ Merton's Functional Analysis] *[http://www.bolenderinitiatives.com/sociology/robert-king-merton-1910-2003 Review materials for studying Robert King Merton] *[https://www.uzh.ch/cmsssl/suz/dam/jcr:00000000-7fb2-5367-0000-0000522e4c47/03.14_merton_unanticipated_consequences.pdf ''The Unanticipated Consequences of Purposive Social Action''] *[http://www.garfield.library.upenn.edu/merton/list.html Merton Bibliography] *[http://www.mdx.ac.uk/www/study/xmer.htm Extracts from Merton] *[http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&ct=res&cd=5&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.d.umn.edu%2Fcla%2Ffaculty%2Fjhamlin%2F2111%2FReadings%2FMertonAnomie.pdf&ei=i-IjScT7C4T27APHpaGGAQ&usg=AFQjCNGtOVKQg-ms73mp_VjSnwCR6wfZRg&sig2=bZeoevJzdgm4DCAUsmHO5g "Social Structure and Anomie" by Robert K. Merton in ''American Sociological Review'' 3 (October 1938), p. 672-682] {{DEFAULTSORT: Merton, Robert K.}} [[Category:People from Philadelphia]] [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:Sociologists from the United States]] [[Category:1910 births]] [[Category:2003 deaths]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:National Medal of Science laureates]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Columbia University faculty]] kh331k1xp3pgt7flwxr6pdl3tuemrfn 3955098 3955079 2026-06-21T16:46:56Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* Haskins Lecture (1994) */ 3955098 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Robert K. Merton (1965).jpg|thumb|Robert K. Merton in 1965]] '''[[w:Robert K. Merton|Robert K. Merton]]''' ([[4 July]] [[1910]] – [[23 February]] [[2003]]) was a distinguished American [[sociologist]] perhaps best known for having coined the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy." == Quotes == * The ethos of science involves the functionally necessary demand that theories or generalizations be evaluated in [terms of] their logical consistency and consonance with facts. ** Merton (1938) "Science and the Social Order". In: ''Philosophy of Science'' Vol 5, nr 3, p. 326 * '''The role of outstanding scientists in influencing younger associates is repeatedly emphasized in the interviews with laureates. Almost invariably they lay great emphasis on the importance of problem-''finding'', not only problem-solving.''' They uniformly express the strong conviction that what matters most in their work is a developing sense of taste, of judgment, in acting setting upon problems that are of fundamental importance. And, typically, they report that they acquired this sense for the significant problem during their years of training in evocative environments. Reflecting on his years as a novice in the laboratory of a chemist of the first rank, one laureate reports that he "led me to look for important things, whenever possible, rather than work on endless detail or to work just to improve accuracy rather than making a basic new contribution." ** Merton (1968) "The Matthew Effect In Science", In: ''Science'' Vol. 159, no. 3810 (5 January 1968), p. 56-63: On scientists, the Nobel Prizes, and the [[w:Matthew effect|Matthew effect]] in scientific research. === ''The Sociology of Knowledge,'' (1937) === :''Source'': Robert K. Merton, "The Sociology of Knowledge," in: ''Isis'' (1937), Vol 27. nr.22. p. 493-503 ([http://www.compilerpress.ca/Competitiveness/Anno/Anno%20Merton%20Soc%20of%20Know.htm online]) * The last two decades have witnessed, especially in Germany and France, the rise of a new discipline, the [[sociology of knowledge]] (Wissenssoziologie), with a rapidly increasing number of students and a growing literature (even a “selected bibliography” would include several hundred titles). Since most of the investigations in this field have been concerned with the socio-cultural factors influencing the development of beliefs and opinion rather than of positive knowledge, the term. “Wissen” must be interpreted very broadly indeed, as referring to social ideas and thought generally, and not to the physical sciences, except where expressly indicated. ** p. 493 * It is likely that the emphasis upon the metaphysical and epistemological implications of the [[sociology of knowledge]] can be traced, in part, to the fact that the first proponents of this discipline stemmed largely from philosophical rather than scientific circles. The burden of further research is to turn from this welter of conflicting opinion to empirical investigations which may establish in adequate detail the uniformities pertaining to the appearance, acceptance and diffusion, or rejection and repression, development and consequences of knowledge and ideas. ** p. 503 === ''Social structure and anomie'' (1938) === :''Source'': Merton (1938) ''Social Structure and Anomie''. New York: Irvington * The extreme emphasis upon the accumulation of wealth as a symbol of success in our society militates against the completely effective control of institutionally regulated modes of acquiring a fortune. ** p. 59 * Scientific research is not conducted in a social vacuum. ** p. 263 (1973 Edition) === ''Social Theory and Social Structure'' (1949) === :''Source'': Robert K. Merton (1949) ''Social Theory and Social Structure. Toward the codification of theory and research'' * No man knows fully what has shaped his own thinking ** p. ix (1957 edition) * By social structure is meant that organized set of social relationships in which members of the society or group are variously implicated. ** p. 162 (1957 edition) * [Merton states that anomie represents] An acute disjunction between the cultural norms and goals and the socially structured capacities of members of the group to act in accord with them. ** p. 162 (1957 edition) as cited in: John H. Scanzoni (1970) ''Opportunity and the family''. p. 55 * '''The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a ''false'' definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the original false conception come "true".''' This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning. ** p. 477 (1968 Enlarged edition) ===[https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1994_RobertKMerton.pdf Haskins Lecture] (1994)=== The document wrongly attesting the time of my birth sensitized me early on to an elementary rule of historical method: when reconstructing the past, draw gratefully on archival documents but beware of taking them at face value. (P. 2) ...When I began that short-lived practice as a magician, Houdini became a "role model" (if I may resort to that once well-defined sociological term now become blurred if not vacuous by frequent and indiscriminate use; a term, incidentally, which A Supplement to the Oxford English Dictionary maintains was first used in 1957 by my Columbia research group then at work on The Student Physician). (P. 8) If Schopenhauer had it right in declaring that to put away one's own original ideas in order to take up the work of another is a sin against the Holy Ghost of scholarship, then indeed peccavi, peccavi. I have truly and chronically sinned. For almost as soon as sociology became my vocation, editing became my avocation. (P. 18) == Quotes about Robert K. Merton == * So much of what he says is so absolutely obvious, so transparently true, that one can't imagine why no one else has bothered to point it out. ** {{w|Eugene Garfield}} cited in: Jason Hollander (2003) "[http://www.columbia.edu/cu/news/03/02/robertKMerton.html Renowned Columbia Sociologist and National Medal of Science Winner Robert K. Merton Dies at 92]" on Columbia.edu, Feb. 25, 2003. * Bob Merton became the leader of structural-functional analysis in sociology, and the leader of those sociologists who attempted to create social theories that could be empirically tested... He was an inspirational teacher and editor, and with his students, such as James S. Coleman and Seymour Martin Lipset, among many others who would become leading figures in the field, he helped to build and legitimate the field of sociology in America... For me, he was a model teacher and mentor, a trusted colleague, and a close friend. His death, in many ways, puts a period at the end of 20th Century sociology, ** {{w|Jonathan R. Cole}} cited in: Jason Hollander (2003) "[http://www.columbia.edu/cu/news/03/02/robertKMerton.html Renowned Columbia Sociologist and National Medal of Science Winner Robert K. Merton Dies at 92]" on Columbia.edu, Feb. 25, 2003. == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.faculty.rsu.edu/~felwell/Theorists/Merton/ Merton's Functional Analysis] *[http://www.bolenderinitiatives.com/sociology/robert-king-merton-1910-2003 Review materials for studying Robert King Merton] *[https://www.uzh.ch/cmsssl/suz/dam/jcr:00000000-7fb2-5367-0000-0000522e4c47/03.14_merton_unanticipated_consequences.pdf ''The Unanticipated Consequences of Purposive Social Action''] *[http://www.garfield.library.upenn.edu/merton/list.html Merton Bibliography] *[http://www.mdx.ac.uk/www/study/xmer.htm Extracts from Merton] *[http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&ct=res&cd=5&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.d.umn.edu%2Fcla%2Ffaculty%2Fjhamlin%2F2111%2FReadings%2FMertonAnomie.pdf&ei=i-IjScT7C4T27APHpaGGAQ&usg=AFQjCNGtOVKQg-ms73mp_VjSnwCR6wfZRg&sig2=bZeoevJzdgm4DCAUsmHO5g "Social Structure and Anomie" by Robert K. Merton in ''American Sociological Review'' 3 (October 1938), p. 672-682] {{DEFAULTSORT: Merton, Robert K.}} [[Category:People from Philadelphia]] [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:Sociologists from the United States]] [[Category:1910 births]] [[Category:2003 deaths]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:National Medal of Science laureates]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Columbia University faculty]] 9hxqhdz39awfgvn6ldx0uqn2xzy0alx 0 13959 3955169 3954888 2026-06-21T23:28:25Z Mattwoody555 3293953 /* Others */ 3955169 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Toy Story 2 logo.svg|thumb|220x220px]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Toy Story 2|Toy Story 2]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] as a sequel to ''[[Toy Story]]''. After escaping Sid Phillips' house and moved into Andy's new house, Woody (voiced by [[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]) is stolen by a toy collecting man named Al McWhiggin (voiced by [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]]). So Buzz Lightyear (voiced by [[w: Tim Allen|Tim Allen]]) and the gang embark on adventure in Tri-County city for their rescue mission. :''Directed by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Written by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Peter Docter|Peter Docter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]], [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], [[w:Rita Hsiao|Rita Hsiao]], [[w:Doug Chamberlain|Doug Chamberlain]] and [[w:Chris Webb|Chris Webb]]. {{center|'''The Toys Are Back In Town!''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Woody == * ''[repeated line]'' Ride like the wind, Bullseye! * Happy trails, Prospector. == Buzz Lightyear == * Oh no, he's stealing Woody! * Excuse me. Excuse me. A little quite please. Thank you. * Woody once risked his life to save me. I couldn't call myself his friend if I weren't willing to do the same. So, who's with me? * Good job, troops. We're that much closer to Woody. * Am I really that fat? * Nice roping, cowboy! Your hat, partner. * Darn it, Woody! == Jessie == * Yee-hah! It's you! It's you! It's you, it's you, it's you! It's really you! * Yee-hah! Oh, Bullseye, we're part of a family again! * That critter needs help! == Stinky Pete == * Idiots! Children destroy toys! You'll all be ruined! Forgotten! Spending eternity rotting in some landfill! == Mr. Potato Head == * Okay, fellas, let's roll! * You're not turning me into a mashed potato. * Oh, that went well. * Nice going there, Hamm. So how about having a toy with fingers drive. * I'm a married spud, I'm a married spud. * Quit clowning around and get in the car! * Remind me to glue his helmet shut when we get back. * Prepare to meet ''Mr. Angry Eyes!'' == Slinky Dog == * I may not be a smart dog, but I know what roadkill is. * Whoa! Pork bellies are falling. == Rex == * Don't do it, Woody! We love you! * He can't take Woody! It's illegal! Somebody do something! * You'd think with all my video game experience I'd be feeling more prepared. * Hey, guys, it's not the walls; it's the elevator! == Hamm == * You know, I think that Buzz aisle went to his head. * Uh-oh. Hey, heads up down there! * Have you heard of Kung Fu? Well then, get ready for pork chops! == Bo Peep == * It's not in Molly's room. We've looked everywhere. * Why would someone steal Woody? == Al McWhiggin == * Original hand-painted face. Natural-dyed, blanket-stitched vest! Hmm, a little rip. Fixable. Oh, if only you had your hand-stitched, polyvinyl hat! I found him! I found him, I found him! * I can't believe I have to drive all the way to work on a Saturday. All the way to work! * It's like printing my own money. * Don't touch my mustache! == Andy Davis == * Hey, Woody, ready to go to Cowboy Camp? * Oh, wow! New toys! Cool! Thanks, mom! It's Bazooka Jane and her jet-propelled horse! == Andy's Mom == * I'm sorry, honey, but you know, toys don't last forever. == Mrs. Potato Head == * I'm packing you your extra pair of shoes, and your angry eyes, just in case. == Tour Guide Barbie == * I'm Tour Guide Barbie. Please keep your hands, arms, and accessories inside the car and no flash photography. Thank you. == Wheezy == * Bye, Woody. * Bless you, Woody. == Emperor Zurg == * ''[first words as laughs]'' Come to me, my prey. * ''[repeated line]'' So, we meet again, Buzz Lightyear, for the last time! * Destroy Buzz Lightyear. Destroy Buzz Lightyear. Destroy Buzz Lightyear. == Others == * '''Aliens''': ''[repeated line]'' You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful. * '''Amy''': Look, Barbie, a big, ugly man doll. Oh, he needs a makeover. * '''Barbie''': Hi! You'll like Amy. She's an artist! * '''Girl''': Mommy, Mommy! Can we get it, please? Mommy, please? * '''Girl's mom''': Oh, honey. You don't want this toy. It's broken. * '''Luggage carrier #1''': Hold it! There's a couple more bags coming from the terminal! == Dialogue == :''[In the video game, Buzz reaches for Zurg's power source, only to find that it is a mirage. Suddenly, it disappears and Zurg emerges out from the center of the stage]'' :'''Zurg''': So, we meet again, Buzz Lightyear, for the last time! :'''Buzz''': Not today, Zurg! :''[Both start battling, with Buzz holding a footprint that fell down after he was jumping to each one and fell down. Buzz throws the footprint to Zurg and groans, then Buzz jumps over and Zurg blasts the top half of Buzz's body off, then laughs maniacally. The words "Game Over" then appears.]'' :'''Rex''': ''Oh no!'' '''No!''' '''''No, no, no, no!''''' :'''Buzz''': Oh! You almost had him. :'''Rex''': I'm never gonna defeat Zurg! :'''Buzz''': Sure, you will, Rex. In fact, you're a better Buzz than I am. :'''Rex''': But look at my little arms! I can't press the "fire" button and jump at the same time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz leaps onto the car, which takes off the track, spins through the loop, and goes off a jump, where Buzz jumps off and lands next to Woody to help him up]'' :'''Buzz''': Woody, are you alright? :'''Woody''': ''[grunts]'' Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Buzz. Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: Batteries need to be changed, toys at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated, oh and make sure everyone attends Mr. Spell's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you haven't found your hat yet, have you? :'''Woody''': No! And Andy's leaving for Cowboy Camp any minute! And I can't find it anywhere. :'''Buzz''': Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours, you'll be sittin' around a campfire with Andy, makin' delicious, hot schmoes! :'''Woody''': They're called s'mores, Buzz. :'''Buzz''': Right, right, of course. Has anyone found Woody's hat yet? :'''Sarge''': Keep looking, men! Dig deeper! Negatory! Still searching! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Potato Head''': I found it! :'''Woody''': You found my hat? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Your hat? No. The missus lost her earring. Oh, my little sweet potato! :'''Mrs. Potato Head''': Oh, you found it! Oh, it's so nice to have a big, strong spud around the house. :'''Woody''': Oh, great. That's just great. This will be the first year I'll miss Cowboy Camp, all because of my stupid hat! :'''Bo Peep''': Woody, look under your boot. :'''Woody''': Don't be silly. My hat is not under my boot. :'''Bo Peep''': Will you just look? :'''Woody''': ''[sighs as he lifts his boot]'' You see, no hat; just the word "Andy". :'''Bo Peep''': Uh-huh, and the boy who wrote that will take you to camp with or without your hat. :'''Woody''': I'm sorry, Bo. It's just that... I've been looking forward to this all year. It's my one time with just me and Andy. :'''Bo Peep''': You're cute when you care. :'''Woody''': ''[embarrassedly]'' Bo, not in front of Buzz. :'''Bo Peep''': Let him look. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Al''': ''[on TV; first words]'' Hey, kids! This is Al from Al's Toy Barn, and I'm sitting on good deals. Ow! I think I'm feeling a deal hatching right now. Whoa! Let's see what we got. We got boats for a buck. Beanies for a buck... :'''Woody''': Rex, turn it off! Someone's gonna hear! :'''Rex''': Which one is off? :'''Al''': ''[on TV]'' Buck-buck-buck! And that's cheap-cheap-cheap! So hurry on down... :'''Hamm''': For cryin' out loud, it's this one. I despise that chicken. :'''Slinky''': Fellas! Fellas! I got some good news, and I got some bad news. :'''Mrs. Potato Head''': What news? :'''Slinky''': Good news is I found your hat, Woody. :'''Woody''': My hat! Oh, Slink! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Where'd you find it? :'''Slinky''': Well, that's the bad news. :'''Rex''': Oh, it's Buster! :'''Sarge''': Canine alert! Man your battle stations! Let's move, move, move! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, a boy riding a bike throws a newspaper at the house. Woody is asleep when the car pulls up outside the house. He wakes up and sees Andy jumping out and riding on a toy horse]'' :'''Andy''': Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up! :'''Woody''': He's back? Hey, everybody! Andy's back! He's back early from cowboy camp! :''[The toys are playing cards and look up to Woody. Hamm is at the door and hears Andy's footsteps coming closer.]'' :'''Hamm''': Places, everybody! Andy's coming! :''[The toys scatter to their places and Woody freezes as Andy enters the room.]'' :'''Andy''': Yeah! ''[humming The Lone Ranger theme]'' Hey, Woody, did you miss me? Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up. Ride 'em, cowboy! ''[sees the rip in Woody's arm and frowns]'' Ohh, I forgot. You're broken. I don't wanna play with you anymore. :''[Andy drops Woody and he falls towards the deck of cards on the floor and as he hits them, he keeps falling through the blue area until he goes into a black circle and lands in a trash can. Woody looks around to see lots of broken toy hands and parts beside him.]'' :'''Woody''': ''[gasps]'' No. Andy! No! No, Andy! No! Andy, Andy, Andy! :''[The toy parts grab Woody by the neck and drag him downward as Andy appears.]'' :'''Andy''': Byeee, Woody. :'''Woody''': No, no! ANDY! :''[Andy puts the lid on the bin, making it go black. Woody wakes up from a nightmare and sees his ripped arm around his neck.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, is that you? :'''Wheezy''': Hey, Woody. :'''Woody''': What are you doing up here? I thought Mom took you to get your squeaker fixed months ago. Andy was so upset. :'''Wheezy''': Nah, she just told him that to calm him down, and then... put me on the shelf. :'''Woody''': Well, why didn't you yell for help? :'''Wheezy''': Well I tried squeaking, but I'm still broken. No one could hear me. ''[tries squeaking, but coughs instead]'' Besides, ''[gasps]'' the dust aggravates my condition. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Sarge, emergency roll call! :'''Sarge''': Sir, yes sir! Red alert! All civilians fall in position now! Single file! Let's move, move, move! :'''Buzz''': Hamm? :'''Hamm''': Here. :'''Buzz''': Potato Head, Mr. and Mrs.? :'''Potato Heads''': Here. :'''Buzz''': Troikas. Check, check, check, check, check. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': All right. Let's review this one more time. At precisely 8:32-ish, Exhibit 'A,' Woody, was kidnapped. Exhibit 'B,' a composite sketch of the kidnapper. :'''Bo Peep''': He didn't have a beard like that. :'''Hamm''': Fine. Etch, give him a shave. :'''Slinky''': The kidnapper was bigger than that. :'''Hamm''': Oh, picky, picky, picky. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Let's just go straight to Exhibit "F." The kidnapper's vehicle. Now, the vehicle fled the scene in this direction. :'''Hamm''': Your eyes are in backwards. It went the other way. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Hey, put a cork in it. :'''Rex''': How do you spell "FBI"? ''[destroys the "crime scene"]'' :'''Mr. Potato Head''': My crime scene! :'''Hamm''': Oh, why don't you watch where you're going, "Godspilla"? :'''Rex''': I didn't know there was a crime scene. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rex''': What are you doing, Buzz? :'''Buzz''': It's some sort of message encoded on that vehicle's ID tag. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Etch, draw that man in the chicken suit. :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' It's the chicken man! :'''Buzz''': That's our guy. :'''Hamm''': I knew there was something I didn't like about that chicken. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Prospector said someday you'd come. Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln! The Prospector! He'll wanna meet ya! ''[whistles for Bullseye to get the Prospector]'' Say hello to the Prospector. :'''Woody''': I-It's a box. :'''Jessie''': He's mint in the box. Never been opened. :'''Prospector''': ''[first words]'' Turn me around, Bullseye, so I can see. Why, the prodigal son has returned. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bo Peep''': This is for Woody when you find him. ''[kisses Buzz]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[clears his throat]'' All right, but I don't think it will mean the same coming from me. :'''Wheezy''': Mr. Buzz Lightyear, you just gotta save my pal Woody. ''[coughs]'' :'''Buzz''': I'll do my best, son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': We'll be back before Andy gets home. :'''Mrs. Potato Head''': Don't talk to any toy you don't know! :'''Buzz''': To Al's Toy Barn, and beyond! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': All right! All right! Next tape! ''[However, the TV is turned off]'' Hey, wait, wait, wait. What... What happened? What happens next? Come on! Let's see the next episode! :'''Prospector''': That's it. :'''Woody''': What? :'''Prospector''': The show was canceled after that. :'''Woody''': Wait, wait, wait, wait. What about the gold mine and the... and the cute little critters and the dynamite? That was a great show. I mean, why cancel it? :'''Prospector''': Two words: Sput-nik. Once the astronauts went up, children only wanted to play with space toys. :'''Woody''': I know how that feels. But still, my own show! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Oh! Hey, look at us! We're a complete set! :'''Prospector''': Now it's on to the museum! :'''Woody''': Museum?! ''[stops running in surprise and slides into Jessie and Bullseye, knocking them and himself off the record and onto the table]'' What museum? :'''Prospector''': ''The'' museum! We're being sold to the Konishi Toy Museum in Tokyo! :'''Jessie''': That's in Japan! :'''Woody''': Japan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't go to Japan. :'''Jessie''': ''[chuckles]'' What do you mean? :'''Woody''': I gotta get back home to my owner, Andy. ''[lifts his boot]'' Hey, look, look, see? :'''Jessie''': ''[gasps]'' He still has an owner. :'''Prospector''': Oh, my goodness. :'''Jessie''': No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't! :'''Prospector''': Jessie. Jessie. :'''Jessie''': ''[shaking his box frantically]'' I won't go back in the dark! :'''Woody''': Wh-What's the matter? What's wrong with her? :'''Prospector''': Well, we've been in storage for a long time, waiting for you. :'''Woody''': Why me? :'''Prospector''': The museum's only interested in the collection if you're in it, Woody. Without you, we go back into storage. It's that simple. :'''Jessie''': It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?! :'''Woody''': Hey, look, I'm sorry, but this is all a big mistake. You see, I was in this yard sale, and-- :'''Prospector''': Yard sale? Why were you in a yard sale if you have an owner? :'''Woody''': Well, I wasn't supposed to be there; I was trying to save another toy when-- :'''Prospector''': Was it because you're damaged? Hmm? Did this ''Andy'' break you? :'''Woody''': Yeah, but... No, no, no, no! It was an accident. I mean-- :'''Jessie''': Sounds like he ''really'' loves you. :'''Woody''': It's not like that, okay?! And I'm not going to any museum! :'''Jessie''': Well, I'm not going back into storage! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': ''[turns away]'' All right, nobody look 'till I get my cork back in. :'''Buzz''': Good work, men. Two blocks down, and only 19 more to go. :'''Rex''': What?! :'''Other toys''': 19?! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are we gonna do this all night? My parts are killing me. :'''Buzz''': Come on, fellas! Did Woody give up when Sid had me strapped to a rocket? :'''Other toys''': No. :'''Buzz''': No! And did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh, ya had to bring ''that'' up. :'''Buzz''': No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we will not rest until he's safe in Andy's room! Now let's move out! ''[walks off]'' :'''Announcer''': And that concludes our broadcast day. :''[static]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': Hey, Buzz, can we slow down? May I remind you that some of us are carrying over $6 in change? :'''Rex''': Losing health units. Must rest. :'''Buzz''': Is everyone present and accounted for? :'''Slinky''': Not quite everyone. :'''Buzz''': Who's behind? :'''Slinky''': Mine. :'''Hamm''': Hey, guys! Why did the toys cross the road? :'''Buzz''': Not now, Hamm. :'''Rex''': Oh, I love riddles! Why? :'''Hamm''': To get to the chicken, on the other side! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri the cleaner rings the bell at Al's apartment. Al opens the door]'' :'''Al''': Oh, thank goodness, you're here. :'''Geri''': Is the specimen ready for cleaning? :''[Geri sets his tools up and ready to fix and clean Woody]'' :'''Al''': How long will this take? :'''Geri''': You can't rush art. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Employee''': Hey, Joe, you're late, We've got a ton of toys to unload. :'''Joe''': All right. All right. I'm comin'. I'm comin'. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': Whoa, Nelly, how are we going to find Woody in this place? :'''Buzz''': Look for Al. We find Al, we find Woody. Now move out! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After minutes of process, Geri has finished fixing and cleaning Woody and places him back into the glass case]'' :'''Geri''': There you go. ''[chuckles]'' He's for display only. You handle him too much, he's not gonna last. :'''Al''': It's amazing! You're a genius! He's just like new! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz reaches for Buzz #2's utility belt. Suddenly, Buzz #2 grabs Buzz's arm]'' :'''Buzz''': Ow! What are you doing? :'''Buzz #2''': You're in direct violation of ''Code 6404.5'' stating all space rangers are to be in hyper-sleep until awakened by authorized personnel. :'''Buzz''': Oh no. :'''Buzz #2''': You're breaking ranks, ranger! ''[opens his wrist communicator]'' Buzz Lightyear to Star Command: I've got an AWOL Space Ranger. :'''Buzz''': Tell me I wasn't this deluded. :'''Buzz #2''': No back talk! I have a laser, and I ''will'' use it! :'''Buzz''': You mean the laser that's a light bulb? ''[activates the laser of Buzz #2; Buzz #2 gasps]'' :'''Buzz #2''': Has your mind been melded? You could've killed me, Space Ranger. Or should I say ''traitor''?! ''[turns on laser that beams onto Buzz's forehead]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[walks away]'' I don't have time for this. :'''Buzz #2''': ''[keeping his laser beam on Buzz]'' Halt! I order you to halt! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': I beg your pardon, madam, but where's Al's office? :'''Tour Guide Barbie''': Please hold all questions until the end of the tour. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rex''': Aah! My source of power! No! Come back! ''[the manual disappears below a shelf]'' '''NO!!!''' ''[turns back to chase after the car]'' Hey! Come on! Slow down! ''Dinosaur overboard!'' Slow down! Aah! :'''Tour Guide Barbie''': Remain seated please. Permanezcan sentados, por favor. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Ow! Listen to me, listen to me, you're not really a Space Ranger, you're a toy! We're all toys! Do you hear me? :'''Buzz #2''': Well, that should hold you until the court marshall. :'''Buzz''': Let me go! You don't realize what you're doing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': Hey, Buzz! :'''Buzz #2''': Halt! Who goes there? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Quit clowning around and get in the car! :'''Rex''': Buzz! Buzz! I know how to defeat Zurg! :'''Buzz #2''': You do? :'''Rex''': Come on, I'll tell you on the way. :'''Buzz''': No no, guys! You've got the wrong Buzz! You've got the wrong Buzz! :'''Hamm''': Say, where'd you get that cool belt, Buzz? :'''Buzz #2''': Well, ''slotted pig'', they're standard issue. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prospector''': Woody, don't be mad at Jessie. She's been through more than you know. Why not make amends before you leave, huh? It's the least you can do. :'''Woody''': All right. But I don't know what good it'll do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prospector''': How long will it last, Woody? Do you really think Andy is going to take you to college... or on his honeymoon? Andy's growing up... and there's nothing you can do about it. It's your choice, Woody. You can go back, or you can stay with us and last forever. You'll be adored by children for generations. :'''Woody''': Who am I to break up the Roundup gang? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': Pardon me gentlemen, but have either of you seen a cowboy doll with a bad arm? :'''Blue [[w:Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots|Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot]]''': Why no, I haven't. :'''Red Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot''': Hey, he was talking to me! :'''Blue Robot''': No, he was talking to '''me'''! :'''Red Robot''': Why, you! I'll... :''[They start fighting each other until Blue wins]'' :'''Rex''': You see, all along, we thought the way into Zurg's fortress was through the main gate, but in fact, the secret entrance is to the left, hidden in the shadows. :'''Buzz #2''': ''[taking notes]'' To the left in the shadows, got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': It's him. :'''Hamm''': ''The chicken man.'' :'''Buzz #2''': Funny, he doesn't look like poultry. :'''Slinky''': That's the kidnapper, all right. :'''Buzz #2''': A kidnapper! An agent of Zurg if I ever saw one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': How are we going to get up there? :'''Rex''': Maybe if we'd find some balloons, we could float to the top. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are you kidding? I'd say we stack ourselves up, push the intercom, and pretend we're delivering a pizza. :'''Hamm''': How about a ham sandwich? With fries and a hot dog? :'''Rex''': What about me? :'''Hamm''': Maybe you could be the toy that comes with the meal. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': Uh, Buzz, why not just take the elevator? :'''Buzz #2''': They'll be expecting that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz #2 uses Mr. Potato Head's eye to see what Woody and his roundup gang are up to in Al's apartment.]'' :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Buzz, can you see? What's going on? ''[pokes his eye through the vent]'' To the left. No, your left. Take it up higher. :'''Buzz #2''': What's happening? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, it's horrible! They're torturing him! :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' What are we gonna do, Buzz?! :'''Buzz #2''': Use your head! :''[Buzz #2 and the others use Rex as a battering ram.]'' :'''Rex''': But I don't wanna use my head!!! :''[The toys quickly charge at the vent and break through to the apartment.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Hold it, now! Hey, you don't understand! These are my friends! :'''Rex''': Yeah, we're his friends! :'''Woody''': No, Rex, I mean ''they're'' my friends! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Hold it right there! :'''Other toys''': Buzz?!?! :'''Buzz #2''': You again? :'''Buzz''': Woody, thank goodness you're all right. :'''Woody''': Buzz, what is going on? :'''Buzz #2''': Hold on! I am Buzz Lightyear, and I'm in charge of this detachment. :'''Buzz''': No. I'm Buzz Lightyear. :'''Buzz #2''': ''I am'' Buzz Lightyear! :'''Buzz''': ''I'm'' Buzz Lightyear! :'''Woody''': So, who's the real Buzz? :'''Buzzes''': '''I AM!!''' :'''Buzz #2''': Don't let this impostor fool you! He's been trained by Zurg himself to mimic my every move. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz #2''': Will somebody please tell me what's going on? :'''Buzz''': It's all right, Space Ranger. It's a code 546. :'''Buzz #2''': You mean it's a... :'''Buzz''': Yes. :'''Buzz #2''': And he's a... :'''Buzz''': Oh, yeah. :'''Buzz #2''': ''[to Woody]'' Your Majesty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're in danger here. We need to leave now. :'''Rex''': Al's selling you to a toy museum in Japan! :'''Woody''': I know. It's okay, Buzz. I actually wanna go. :'''Rex''': What? :'''Hamm''': Are you crazy? :'''Woody''': Look, the thing is I'm a rare Sheriff Woody doll, and these guys are my Roundup gang. :'''Buzz''': Woody, what are you talking about? :'''Woody''': What am I talking about? Woody's Roundup! Oh, it's this great old TV show, and I was the star. ''[shows himself on TV to Buzz]'' See, now, look! Look! Look at me! See? That's me! :'''Hamm''': This is weirding me out. :'''Woody''': Buzz, it was a national phenomenon. And there was all this merchandise that just got packed up. Oh, you should've seen it. There was a record player and a yo-yo...Buzz, I was a yo-yo! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''Was''? :'''Buzz''': Woody, stop this nonsense and let's go. :'''Woody''': Nah, Buzz. ''[sighs]'' I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're not a collector's item. You're a child's plaything. You... are... A TOY! :'''Woody''': For how much longer? One more rip, and Andy's done with me. And what do I do then, Buzz, huh? You tell me! :'''Buzz''': Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that toy... because I believed him. :'''Woody''': Well, you wasted your time. ''[turns away]'' :''[Upon hearing what Woody said, the other toys watch in sadness.]'' :'''Buzz''': Let's go, everyone. :'''Slinky''': What about Woody? :'''Buzz''': ''[walks back to the vent]'' He's not coming with us. :'''Rex''': But Andy's coming home tonight. :'''Buzz''': Then we'd better make sure we're there waiting for him. :''[The other toys make their way back to the vent. Slinky hesitates before entering.]'' :'''Woody''': I don't have a choice, Buzz. This is my only chance. :'''Buzz''': To do what, Woody? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? ''[sarcastically]'' Some life. ''[re-enters the duct and closes it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': ''[after seeing a human boy hugging him on the set of "Woody's Roundup"; sighs]'' What am I doing? ''[gets off the duct tape]'' Buzz! Wait! Wait! :'''Prospector''': Woody, where are you going? :'''Woody''': You're right, Prospector. I can't stop Andy from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[runs to the heat duct]'' :'''Prospector''': No! :'''Woody''': Buzz! :'''Buzz''': Yes? :'''Buzz #2''': Yes? :'''Woody''': I'm coming with you! ''[pause]'' Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'll be back in just a second. :'''Buzz''': Way to go, cowboy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Right when the Prospector is out of his box, he rudely screws the heat duct back in place to prevent the rest of the gang's escape.]'' :'''Jessie''': ''[shocked]'' Prospector?! :'''Woody''': You're out of your box! :'''Prospector''': I tried reasoning with you, Woody, but you keep forcing me to take extreme measures. ''[angrily taps his pickaxe onto the remote, turning off the TV]'' :'''Woody''': Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Jessie! :'''Prospector''': Look, we have an eternity to spend together at the museum. Let's not start off by pointing fingers, shall we? :'''Woody''': You really are Stinky Pete, aren't you? :'''Jessie''': Prospector, this isn't fair! :'''Prospector''': Fair?! I'll tell you what's not fair: Spending a lifetime on a dime-store shelf watching every other toy be sold! Well, finally my waiting has paid off, and no hand-me-down ''cowboy doll'' is gonna mess it up for me now! ''[angrily throws his box back into his display case]'' :'''Woody''': Buzz! ''[struggles to open the duct]'' Help, Buzz! Guys! :'''Prospector''': It's too late, Woody! That silly Buzz Lightweight can't help you. :'''Woody''': His name is Buzz Lightyear! :'''Prospector''': Whatever. ''[opens his box]'' I've always hated those upstart space toys. ''[angrily climbs back into his box]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': So, we meet again, Buzz Lightyear, for the last time! :'''Buzz #2''': It's Zurg! :'''Rex''': Aah! ''[simultaneously with Buzz #2]'' It's Zurg! Watch out! He's got an ion blaster! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': Surrender, Buzz Lightyear. I have won. :'''Buzz #2''': I'll never give in! You killed my father! :'''Zurg''': No, Buzz. I ''am'' your father. :'''Buzz #2''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rex''': ''[to Buzz #2]'' Aah! Buzz, you could have defeated Zurg all along! You just need to believe in yourself! ''[gasps as Zurg aims his "ion blaster" at Buzz #2's head]'' :'''Zurg''': ''[to Buzz #2]'' Prepare to die! :'''Rex''': ''[turns away]'' Aah! I can't look! ''[accidentally knocks Zurg away with his tail]'' :'''Zurg''': ''[as he falls down the elevator shaft]'' '''Wh-Wh-Wh-Whoa!''' :'''Rex''': I did it! I finally defeated Zurg! :'''Buzz #2''': ''[forlornly]'' Father... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rex''': How are we going to get him now? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Pizza anyone? ''[camera pans to reveal the Pizza Planet delivery truck]'' :'''Buzz''': Go, go, go! :'''Buzz #2''': I got it! ''[catches a ball fired by Zurg]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[bumps into Buzz #2]'' Buzz, are you coming? :'''Buzz #2''': No, I...I have got a lot of catchin' up to do with my dad. ''[throws the ball back at Zurg]'' :'''Zurg''': ''[last words; ball hits him on his head]'' Good throw, son. That's my boy. Go long, Buzzy! ''[fires another ball]'' :'''Buzz #2''': Oh, you're a great dad! Yippee! :'''Buzz''': ''[dons a Vulcan salute]'' Farewell. ''[runs off with the other toys]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Al''': Listen, fly boy, the contents of that case are worth more than you make in a year! You got that, sport? You be careful! :'''Airport clerk''': I understand, sir. :'''Al''': Do you have a 'fragile' sticker or something you can put on that? 'Cause I know what goes on back there. :'''Airport clerk''': Don't worry, sir. :'''Al''': I had a box of cookies once that came back as crumbs! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': Buzz! Buzz, my back is going to Baton Route! :'''Buzz''': Slinky! :'''Hamm''': Here we come, Woody! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Woody, here we come! :'''Rex''': Woody! :'''Hamm''': Nice flash though. :''[Buzz catching up with the case]'' :'''Buzz''': Okay, Woody, let's go! :'''Prospector''': ''[punches Buzz off the ramp]'' Take that, space toy! :'''Woody''': Hey! No one does that to my friend! ''[fights the Prospector but the Prospector shoves him off]'' :'''Prospector''': ''[reopens the rip in Woody's arm]'' Your choice, Woody. You can either go to Japan together or in pieces. If he fixed ya once, he can fix you again. Now get in the box! :'''Woody''': Never! :'''Prospector''': Fine! ''[raises his pick to finish Woody, but gets stunned by flash cameras]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[grabs the Prospector]'' Gotcha! :'''Prospector''': Idiots! Children destroy toys! You'll all be ruined! Forgotten! Spending eternity rotting in some landfill! :'''Woody''': Well, Stinky Pete, I think it's time you learned the true meaning of playtime. ''[points to something off-screen]'' Right over there, guys! :'''Prospector''': ''[last words; whimpers]'' No! NOO! '''NOOO!!''' ''[the toys place him into a Barbie backpack]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': What's a cowboy without his hat? :'''Woody''': Buzz! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': ''[to Jessie]'' Uh, ma'am? I, uh, um, well, I just wanted to say you're a bright young woman with a beautiful yarn full of hair. A hair full of yarn. It's ah... um... I must go. :'''Jessie''': ''[embraces Buzz]'' Well, aren't you the sweetest space toy I've ever met? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': Uh, hey, Rex, I could use a hand over here. :'''Rex''': I don't need to play. I lived it! :'''Hamm''': No, no, no, no! Oh, nuts! :'''Al''': ''[on TV; last words as crying]'' Welcome to Al's Toy Barn. We've got the lowest prices in town. Everything for a buck-buck-buck. :'''Hamm''': Well, I guess crime doesn't pay. :'''Woody''': Oh, Andy did a great job, huh? ''[flexes his arm]'' Nice and strong! :'''Bo Peep''': I like it. Makes you look tough. :'''Aliens''': You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful. :'''Mrs. Potato Head''': You saved their lives? Oh, my hero! They're so adorable! Let's adopt them! :'''Aliens''': Daddy! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh no... :'''Woody''': Wheezy, you're fixed! :'''Wheezy''': Oh, yeah. Mr. Shark looked in the toy box and found me an extra squeaker. :'''Woody''': And how do you feel? :'''Wheezy''': Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song coming on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Buzz''': You still worried? :'''Woody''': About Andy? Nah. It'll be fun while it lasts. :'''Buzz''': I'm proud of you, cowboy. :'''Woody''': Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company... for infinity and beyond. == Taglines == * The Toys Are Back! * The Toys Are Back In Town! == Cast (voices) == * [[Tom Hanks]] as Woody * [[Tim Allen]] as Buzz Lightyear/Utility Belt Buzz * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] as Jessie * [[Kelsey Grammer]] as Stinky Pete * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] as Mr. Potato Head * [[w:Jim Varney|Jim Varney]] as Slinky Dog * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] as Rex * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] as Hamm * [[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]] as Bo Peep * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as Al McWhiggin * [[w:John Morris (actor)|John Morris]] as Andy Davis * [[w:Laurie Metcalf|Laurie Metcalf]] as Jennifer Davis * [[w:Estelle Harris|Estelle Harris]] as Mrs. Potato Head * [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Sarge * [[Jodi Benson]] as Tour Guide Barbie * [[w:Jonathan Harris|Jonathan Harris]] as The Cleaner * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Wheezy (speaking voice) ** [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] (singing voice) * [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] as Emperor Zurg * [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] as Squeeze Toy Aliens/Mr. Spell == External links == {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{IMDb title|id=0120363|title=Toy Story 2}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:1999 animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Films directed by Lee Unkrich]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]] [[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Films directed by Ash Brannon]] [[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] njryvn2jlf7lhpbstv118t5awwfx848 0 15247 3955200 3861737 2026-06-22T04:04:10Z William Avery 10279 Remove excess parentheses 3955200 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:BruceWillisLFDHpremiere07.jpg|thumb|right|You can't undo the past but you can certainly not repeat it.]] [[File:Bruce Willis 1.jpg|thumb|right|I wanted to sign up and fight with you guys, but they told me I was too old.]] [[File:Bruce willis cinedom.jpg|thumb|right|I hate the government, OK? I'm apolitical. Write that down.]] '''[[w:Bruce Willis|Walter Bruce Willis]]''' (born [[19 March]] [[1955]]) is an American retired actor. == Quotes == *You can't undo the past but you can certainly not repeat it. **''US Magazine''. Issue 249. *I'm staggered by the question of what it's like to be a multimillionaire. I always have to remind myself that I am. **RS. Issue 858/859. *This is the war on terrorism; it's worth fighting for. **Bruce Willis during a visit to the 101st Airborne Division in northern Iraq, September 25, 2003. [http://www.defenselink.mil/news/Sep2003/n09262003_200309266.html] *I wanted to sign up and fight with you guys, but they told me I was too old. **Bruce Willis during a visit to the 101st Airborne Division in northern Iraq, September 25, 2003. [http://www.defenselink.mil/news/Sep2003/n09262003_200309266.html] *If you catch him, just give me four seconds with [[Saddam Hussein]]. **Bruce Willis during a visit to the 101st Airborne Division in northern Iraq, September 25, 2003. [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3141942.stm] *This is the same fight the US fought 60 years ago **Referring to the [[w:War on Terror|War on Terror]]. On Rita Cosby’s Sunday MSNBC program, November 14, 2005. [http://www.theconservativevoice.com/articles/article.html?id=9949] *The terrorists today are much the same as those we fought in [[w:World War II|WW II]]. **On Rita Cosby’s Sunday MSNBC program, November 14, 2005. [http://www.theconservativevoice.com/articles/article.html?id=9949] *I'm sick of answering this fucking question. I'm a Republican only as far as I want a smaller government, I want less government intrusion. I want them to stop shitting on my money and your money and tax dollars that we give 50 percent of... every year. I want them to be fiscally responsible and I want these goddamn lobbyists out of Washington. Do that and I'll say I'm a Republican... I hate the government, OK? I'm apolitical. Write that down. I'm not a Republican.[http://movies.msn.com/movies/hitlist/2-24-06/?GT1=100] **Quoted by reporters at a promotional event for the film ''16 Blocks''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/16_Blocks] in early 2006 * If you take one out or change one law, then why wouldn’t they take all your rights away from you? ** [http://beforeitsnews.com/libertarian/2013/02/bruce-willis-opposes-gun-control-proposal-2484872.html] ==About== *Paradigms, especially old ones, die harder than Bruce Willis. **James Adovasio, quoted in In Quest of the Dates of the Vedas, 2014, by Premendra Priyadarshi. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} *[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvsIb6lAEjo Bruce Willis as David Addison Singing in Moonlighting] {{DEFAULTSORT:Willis, Bruce}} [[Category:Actors from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:1955 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Germany]] [[Category:People from New Jersey]] avrzc9icion5fniiugkrh2k1oyfa642 0 18019 3955150 3949048 2026-06-21T22:04:04Z Pithy Francoln 2426069 {Holiday movie project - Juneteenth} I added a new section header entitled "Quotes about 'Glory'". I also added a quote from Morgan Freeman (who portrayed Sergeant Major John Rawlins in the movie): "Black men have fought and died in every conflict this nation was involved in, from the Revolutionary War onward. We are Americans, and we fought and died to be Americans." The quote is from a 1989 review of "Glory" in The New York Times written by Glenn Collins. 3955150 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:The Storming of Ft Wagner-lithograph by Kurz and Allison 1890 (cropped).jpg|thumb|right|'''Give'em hell 54th!''']] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Glory (1989 film)|Glory]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] about the US Civil War's first all-black volunteer regiment as they fight against the prejudices of both their own Union army and the Confederates. :''Directed by [[w:Edward Zwick|Edward Zwick]]. Written by [[w:Kevin Jarre|Kevin Jarre]], based on books by [[w:Lincoln Kirstein|Lincoln Kirstein]] and [[w:Peter Burchard|Peter Burchard]] and the letters of [[w:Robert Gould Shaw|Robert Gould Shaw]].'' {{center|'''Their innocence. Their heritage. Their lives. Their bravery. Nothing would be spared in the fight for their freedom.'''}} [[File:William Harvey Carney c1864.jpg|thumb|right|If this man should fall, who will lift the flag and carry on?]] [[File:Robert Gould Shaw.jpg|thumb|right|It is my job to get these men ready. And I will. They have risked their lives to be here, they have given up their freedom. I owe them as much as they have given. I owe them ''my'' freedom...my ''life'' if necessary.]] [[File:Robert Gould Shaw Memorial - detail.jpg|thumb|There's more to fighting than rest, sir. There's character. There's strength of heart. You should have seen us in action two days ago. We were a sight to see! We'll be ready, sir. When do you want us?]] [[File:Union Army Infantry Sergeant Major.svg|thumb|Mr. Rawlins, this regiment was formed with the promise that only white officers would be commissioned to lead it. Nothing was mentioned, however, about noncommissioned officers. Therefore, in recognition of initiative taken not only for yourself, but on behalf of the entire regiment, you are hereby awarded the rank of Sergeant Major. Congratulations.]] [[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|If tomorrow is our great getting up moment... If tomorrow we have to meet the judgment day... Heavenly Father, we want you to let our folks know... that we died facing the enemy. We want'em to know, that we went down ''standing up!'' Amongst those that are fighting against our oppression. ''We want 'em to know, Heavenly Father, that we died fighting for freedom!'' ]] == Placards == *<p>Robert Gould Shaw, the son of wealthy Boston abolitionists, was 23 years old when he enlisted to fight in the War between the States.</p><p>He wrote home regularly, telling his parents of life in the gathering Army of the Potomac.</p><p>These letters are collected in the Houghton Library of Harvard University.</p> *<p>The 54th Massachusetts Brigade lost over half its number in the assault on Ft. Wagner. The supporting white brigades also suffered heavily before withdrawing.</p><p>The fort was never taken.</p><p>As word of their bravery spread, Congress at last authorized the raising of black troops throughout the Union. Over 180,000 volunteered.</p><p>President Lincoln credited these men of color with helping turn the tide of the war.</p> == Colonel Robert Gould Shaw == * ''[first lines, in a letter]'' Dear Mother, I hope you are keeping well and not worrying too much about me. You mustn't think that any of us are going to be killed, for they are collecting such a force here that an attack would be insane. The Massachusetts men passed through here this morning. How grand it is to meet the men from all the states, east and west, ready to fight fro their country, as the old fellows did in the Revolution. But this time, we must make it a whole country, for all who live here, so that all can speak. Before this war began, many of my regiment had never seen a negro, and now the roads are choked with the dispossessed. We fight for men and women whose poetry is not yet written, but which will presently be as enviable and as renowned as any. Last night, we heard of yet another defeat, but we are not disheartened. I am honored to be part of such a splendid company. They have made me captain, of which I am enormously proud. You would think it strange to see me giving orders to a hundred men, most of whom are older than I am. Thank you for sending my volume of Emerson. His words come home to me like truth. "A deep man," he says, "believes that the evil eye can wither, that the heart's blessing can heal, and that love can overcome all odds." My dearest love to Father. Your son, Robert. * Good morning gentlemen, I am Colonel Robert Gould Shaw. I am your commanding officer. It is a great pleasure to see you all here today. It is my hope that the same courage, spirit, and honor, which has brought us together, will one day restore this Union. May God bless us all! * Dear Mother, the men learn very quickly; faster than white troops, it seems to me. They are almost grave and sedate under instruction and they restrain themselves. But the moment they are dismissed from drill, every tongue is relaxed and every ivory tooth is visible and you would not know from the sound of it that this is an army camp. They must have learned this from long hours of meaningless, inhuman work to set their minds free so quickly. It gives them great energy. And there is no doubt we will leave this state as fine a regiment as any that as marched. As ever, your son, Robert. * It is my job to get these men ready. And I will. They have risked their lives to be here, they have given up their freedom. I owe them as much as they have given. I owe them ''my'' freedom...my ''life'' if necessary. * If you men will take no pay, then none of us will! ''[holds up his own paycheck and tears it in half]'' * Dear Father, I need your help. Despite my many requests, it has become clear that we are to be used only for manual labor. Morale is low. The men's humor darkened by idleness and despair. Why keep drilling if they are never to be given the opportunity to prove themselves? I have written to Governor Andrew as well as to the general staff in Washington. But I feel that only a letter directly from you to [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] himself can have the desired effect. I can think of no other course. I am sure you both pray, as I do, that all this has not been in vain. * There's more to fighting than rest, sir. There's character. There's strength of heart. You should have seen us in action two days ago. We were a sight to see! We'll be ready, sir. When do you want us? * ''[Last words]'' Come on, Fifty-Fourth! == Sergeant John Mulcahy == * For God's sake, men, you march like a bunch of crippled old goats! Jesus Christ, we're gonna be here day and night till we get this right! One, one! Company, halt! About-face! You are ugly Mexican, African fucking whores! We're gonna work on this day and night till we get this right, gentlemen. Forward at the half step. March! * ''[to Thomas Searles]'' Oh, look at this. Bonnie Prince Charlie. Are you a gentleman? Are you a member of Congress or something? Or are you the bloody prince of Africa?! ''[Searles glances at him]'' Well, don't look at me! ''[grabs his jaw, points his face forward]'' Look straight ahead! Look straight ahead! I'll eat your ass up, boy-o! == Major Forbes == * Mr. Rawlins, this regiment was formed with the promise that only white officers would be commissioned to lead it. Nothing was mentioned, however, about noncommissioned officers. Therefore, in recognition of initiative taken not only for yourself, but on behalf of the entire regiment, you are hereby awarded the rank of Sergeant Major. Congratulations. == Private Trip == * Let me tell you something boy. You can march like the white man. You can talk like him. You can learn his songs. You can even wear his suits. But you ain't ''never'' gonna be nothing to him but an ugly ass ''chimp'' in a blue suit. * ''[addressing the 54th the night before battle]'' I ain't much about no prayin,' now. I ain't never had no family, and...killed off my mama. Well, I just...Y'all's the onliest family I got. I love the 54th. Ain't even much a matter what happens tomorrow, 'cause we men, ain't we? We men. == Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins == * ''[to a group of children]'' That's right, honeys. Ain't no dream. We runaway slaves, but we come back fightin' men. Go tell your folks how kingdom come in the year of jubilee! * If tomorrow is our great getting up moment...If tomorrow we have to meet the judgment day...Heavenly Father, we want you to let our folks know...that we died facing the enemy. We want'em to know, that we went down ''standing up!'' Amongst those that are fighting against our oppression. ''We want ‘em to know, Heavenly Father, that we died for freedom!'' == Other == * '''Pvt. Jupiter Sharts''': ''[praying aloud]'' Tomorrow we goes into battle. So Lordy, let me fight with the rifle in one hand and the Good Book in the other. So that if I may die at the muzzle of the rifle...die on water, or on land, I may know that you blessed Jesus almighty are with me...and I have no fear. Amen. * '''Union Corporal''': Give'em hell 54th! == Dialogue == :'''Army Surgeon''': Heard the latest? :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': What's that? :'''Army Surgeon''': Well, I heard it from a friend who's a dispatch rider, who got it from a friend of his who's one of Stanton's clerks in the War Office. He says Lincoln is gonna issue an [[Emancipation Proclamation]]. Gonna free the slaves. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': What? :'''Army Surgeon''': Well, maybe not the ones in the border states or somethin', I don't know, but he's gonna free some of 'em, anyway. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': My God. :'''Army Surgeon''': Yeah, he said he would have done it sooner, only he was waiting on a big victory, which is, I guess what [[w:Battle of Antietam|this]] is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Francis Shaw''': Robert. Governor Andrew, you know my son, Robert. :'''Governor John Andrew''': ''[shakes Robert's hand]'' Yes, good to see you again, Robert. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Governor Andrew. :'''Francis Shaw''': ''[gestures to Douglass]'' Robert, have you met Frederick Douglass? :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Mr. Douglass. :'''Governor John Andrew''': I understand you were Antietam. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Yes. :'''Governor John Andrew''': A great and a terrible day. Well, I could use your help, Robert. :'''Francis Shaw''': The governor is proposing to raise a regiment of negro soldiers. :'''Governor John Andrew''': No, no, no, it was not just my idea. Mr. Douglass and some of us... :'''Frederick Douglass''': We will offer pride and dignity to those who have known only degradation. :'''Sarah Shaw''': Colored soldiers, Robert. Just think of it. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Wonderful. :'''Governor John Andrew''': I've submitted your name, Robert, to be commissioned colonel of the 54th Massachusetts Infantry. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Thank you, governor, that's...It's a wonderful idea. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': Wait, no. That's my space, nigger. I sleep better close by the door. :'''Thomas Searles''': Well, if you don't mind, I'd prefer a space where there's more sufficient reading light. :'''Trip''': Oh, I like it when niggers talk good as white folk! :'''Thomas Searles''': I'd be happy to teach you. It would be my pleasure. :'''Trip''': Hey, listen here, snowflake, I ain't got nothin' to learn from no house nigger, you hear? :'''Thomas Searles''': I am a free man, as was my father before me. :'''Trip''': Oh, you free, huh? Then move your free black ass out my space, before I have to bust it up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Seasoned veteran Sergeant Major Mulcahy is attempting to teach the 54th to march in formation]'' :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': For God's sake, man! Do you not know your right from your left? :'''Jupiter Sharts''': ''[stammers]'' N-No, sir. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': How many here do not know right from left? ''[several men raise their hands]'' Jesus, have pity. ''[slaps Sharts on the chest]'' ''This'' is your front! ''[slaps him on the back]'' ''This'' is your rear! ''[stomps on Sharts' right foot]'' ''This'' is your right! And ''this''- ''[Sharts raises his left foot as Mulcahy is about to stomp on it]'' Now you're learning, boy-o. Company! Forward, march! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Sergeant Major! :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Sir! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': At ease, Sergeant. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I have no doubt you are a fair man, Mulcahy. I wonder if you are treating these men too hard. ''[Mulcahy hesitates to speak.]'' You disagree. You may speak freely. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': ''[referring to Searles]'' The boy's your friend, is he? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': We grew up together, yes. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Let him grow up some more. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You're a good shot, private. :'''Jupiter Sharts''': Thank you, sir. Squirrel hunting. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You ever killed a man? :'''Jupiter Sharts''': No, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': But you're handy with a gun. :'''Jupiter Sharts''': Yes, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Reload. ''[Sharts slowly starts to reload his rifle]'' Faster. ''[Sharts continues reloading]'' Faster. ''Faster!'' ''[Sharts finishes loading, and fumbles for a fuse cap]'' Discharge your weapon. Discharge your weapon. Do it! ''[Sharts takes aim, and fires]'' Now do it again, only this time, I want it done quickly! ''[to the other men]'' A good man can fire three aimed shots in a minute. Major Forbes, give me your Colt revolver. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': What? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Your gun. Give it to me. ''[Forbes hands Shaw his pistol, and he turns back to Sharts who is still reloading his rifle]'' Faster. ''[Sharts takes aim and fires again]'' Reload. Quickly! Faster! ''[Shaw fires the pistol]'' Faster! Load. ''[fires]'' Faster! ''[fires]'' Do it! DO IT!! ''[fires]'' DO IT! ''[fires]'' DO IT! ''[fires]'' ''[Sharts fumbles with his weapon, and stares at Shaw, shaken. Shaw turns back to Major Forbes, and hands him back his pistol]'' Teach them...properly, Major. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Why do you treat the men this way, Robert? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': How should I treat them? :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Like men? And what about Thomas? Why are you so hard on him? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': He's not a very good soldier. I'm getting these men ready for battle. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Robert. They're already good as the 7th ever was. They march well, they're disciplined. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': No thanks to you. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': I beg your pardon? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You heard me. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Who do you think you are, acting the high-up colonel?! You seem to forget, I know you. And so does Thomas. ''[starts to walk off]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Forbes! If you don't believe in what we're doing here, maybe you shouldn't be part of it. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Part of what? Huh?! ''[imitating Mulcahy]'' "Left, right! Left, right! Little finger along the seams of yer trousers!" ''[normally]'' Marching is probably ''all'' they'll ever get to do, Robert. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It is my job...to get these men ready. And I will. They have risked their lives to be here, they have given up their freedom. I owe them as much as they have given. I owe them ''my'' freedom...my ''life'' if necessary. Maybe so do you, Cabot. I think you do. :''[Cabot bows mockingly and walks off]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sergeant Major Mulcahy is leading a Company of the 54th during a bayonet drill]'' :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Thrust! Develop! Guard! ''[walks past Jupiter Sharts]'' You're not a dancing school son, take his head off! Thrust! Develop! Guard! ''[walks to Thomas Searles]'' Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what have here? Bonny Prince Charlie and his little toy bayonet. Your not reading your books now. Go on, go on, get over here, get over here. Now stab me. :'''Thomas Searles''': What? :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Stab. Me. ''[Searles half-heartedly prods with his bayonet. Mulcahey sweeps it aside disdainfully.]'' Stab, not tickle! Hit me! ''[Searles again lunges with the bayonet]'' Come on! You prissy little schoolgirl, you're the worst Soldier in this whole company, now hit me!''[Thomas lunges with his bayonet, Mulcahy deftly grabs his weapon and viciously knocks him to the ground with it.]'' No shame son, get up. ''[Searles lies on the ground crying]'' I said ''get up!'' :'''Trip''': Nigger forgot to duck, that's all. ''[a few other soldiers laugh]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[points at Trip]'' Sergeant, deal with that man. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': ''[walks over to Trip, whispers]'' Let me tell you a wee secret, son. The only thing you're to learn to do is to keep your mouth shut. ''[pushes Trip back]'' :'''John Rawlins''': ''[holds Trip back as he tries to lunge back at Mulcahy]'' Save it, son. Save it. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': First rank to the rear, back to work! :'''Thomas Searles''': ''[to Shaw, on the verge of tears]'' Robert, Robert. I'd like to speak to you for a moment in private, if I may. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Enlisted men wishing to speak to their commanding officer, must first get permission. You understand, private? :'''Thomas Searles''': ''[shedding tears, salutes]'' Yes, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Col. Shaw approaches Rawlins after having Trip horse-whipped for desertion]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Mr. Rawlins...this morning, I...it would be a great help if I could talk to you from time to time about the men. That's all. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''John Rawlins''': Shoes, sir. ''[Shaw turns around]'' The men need shoes, Colonel. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Yes, I've been after the quartermaster for some time. :'''John Rawlins''': No, sir. ''Now''. That boy ran off to find him some shoes, Colonel. He wants to fight. Same as the rest of us. More, even. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shaw enters the quartermaster's office while some of his soldiers guard the door]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Good afternoon, Colonel. Change your mind about that bottle I was talking about? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I want 600 pairs of shoes and 1200 pairs of socks...and anything else you've been holding out on us, you piece of rat filth. :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': I'd love to help you, Colonel, but we just don't have any. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Not for niggers, you don't! :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Not for anybody. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I see. Pity. I'll just look around to see if you haven't misplaced them, hmm? ''[starts smashing up the place, throwing items off shelves and onto the floor]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': HEY! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[over the noise]'' Where are they, you son of a bitch?! ''[throws items off another shelf]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Damn it, you can't-! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''Can't'' I?! I'm a ''colonel'', you nasty little cuss! You ''really'' think you can keep 700 Union soldiers without proper shoes because you think it's ''funny''?! Now, where would that power come from?! :''[Kendric stares in shock, then grabs for a wine bottle and glasses]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Look- settle down, uh- have a drink! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward Pierce''': Colonel Shaw. Edward Pierce, special assignment from ''Harper's Weekly''. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''Harper's Weekly''? :'''Edward Pierce''': Serving an entire nation. A million loyal readers want to know what happens when the men of the 54th see action. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': A million and one. Well, you'll want to see this. ''[gestures to Forbes]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Attention, company! ''[the men stand at attention]'' Rawlins, front and center. :'''John Rawlins''': ''[steps forward]'' Sir! :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Mr. Rawlins, this regiment was formed with the promise that only white officers would be commissioned to lead it. Nothing was mentioned, however, about noncommissioned officers. Therefore, in recognition of initiative taken not only for yourself, but on behalf of the entire regiment, you are hereby awarded the rank of Sergeant Major. ''[hands Rawlins sword and insignia]]'' Congratulations. ''[shakes Rawlins' hand]'' :'''John Rawlins''': ''[salutes]'' Thank you, sir. :'''Soldiers''': Hip, hip, hooray! Hooray! Hooray! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Congratulations. :'''John Rawlins''': I ain't sure I'm wanting this, Colonel. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I know exactly how you feel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The 54th has just entered the mostly deserted town of Darien]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': Town's clean, sir. Ain't no Rebs here, just some women. :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Well, all right. You here that, boys? Let's clear her out! :''[The soldiers start looting the town]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': What are you doing? :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Liberating this town in the name of the Republic. :'''Soldier''': The musket, master Colonel. Never shoot it. Shoot now? :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Yeah, I don't see why not. Go ahead. :'''Soldier''': Shoot the lady, boys! ''[shoots at figurehead on hotel]'' :'''Man''': ''[runs out]'' Don't shoot! We ain't Secesh here! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': That man is a civilian! :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': That man is Secesh, and Secesh is all the same, son. ''[the soldiers fire at the man, who runs off]'' Look around you, look at 'em. You really think anybody's gonna put some boys into some real combat? ''Do'' you? I mean, they're little children for God's sake. Little monkey children. You just gotta learn how to control them. :''[A scream is heard, Shaw and Montgomery look over to see a soldier fighting with an evil racist white woman and her suffering black slave over some silverware he is righteously trying to liberate from these oppressive slavemasters]'' You see what I mean? Children. :'''Evil Racist White Woman''': ''[Demonstrates her impertinence and hits the soldier]'' Animal! Leave her alone! ''[the righteous soldier grabs and starts choking her, doing the world a favor by ridding it of this evil racist hag]'' :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Hey, boy! Take your hands off the white lady. ''[the soldier ignores him, Montgomery pulls out his pistol and shoots the man dead]'' Now that would not have been necessary if that Secesh woman hadn't started it (EXACTLY! You go die, Rayciss Whitey!). They'll never learn. You see, Secesh has got to be swept away by the hand of God, like the Jews of old. And now I'll have to burn this town. :'''Evil Racist White Woman''': [Impotently screeching like a banshee at the fact she no longer has control over the black man] Nigger soldiers! NIGGER SOLDIERS! :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Tell your men to set torches and prepare to fire the buildings. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I will not. :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': That is an order. You will do it, or you will be brought up on charges for disobeying your superior officer. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It is an immoral order, and by articles of war, I am not bound to obey it. :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Well, you can just explain that at your court-martial. After your men are placed under my command. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[long pause, to his men]'' First squad, second platoon. Fall out to set torches. Prepare to fire the town. :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': First squad, second platoon! Fall out! :''[The soldiers proceed to set fire to the buildings]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': ''[to a group of Union soldiers marching up the road]'' Look like we goin' the wrong way. Hey. Hey, come on now, buck up boys! Hey, buck up now, come on! Be someday they gonna let the 54th get into it, see! And all your troubles would be over. Come on now, cheer up! :'''10th Connecticut Corporal''': ''[stops to face Trip]'' What'd you say, boy? :'''Trip''': Boy? Hey, let me tell you... :'''Thomas Searles''': Shut up, Trip. :'''Trip''': ''[to Searles]'' Would you get up off me, snowflake? ''[to the 10th Connecticut Corporal]'' See, let me explain something to you. See, the way I figure, I figure this war would be over a whole lot sooner if you boys just turned right on around and headed back on down that way, and you let us head on up there where the real fighting is. :'''Union Soldier''': There are men dyin' up that road. :'''Trip''': And there wouldn't be nothing but Rebs dyin' if they'd let the 54th in it. :'''Union Solder''': Listen- :''[Men of both regiments argue and begin fighting]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': Hold it! As you were, Trip! As you were! ''[to the Connecticut soldiers]'' You men move on. :'''10th Connecticut Corporal''': ''[scoffing as he notices Rawlins' rank]'' Stripes on a nigger. That's like tits on a bull! :''[The other Union soldiers laugh]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': You're lookin' at a higher rank, Corporal. You'll obey and you'll like it. :'''10th Connecticut Corporal''': Make me. :'''Trip''': I'll make you! :''[The 10th Connecticut soldiers push forward again and the fight resumes]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': ''[arriving on his horse]'' WHAT THE ''HELL'' IS GOING ON HERE?! :''[The fighting immediately stops]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': Attention! :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': ''[pointing at the 10th Connecticut Corporal]'' You! Yes, ''you''! What's your name? I'm putting you up on charges! :''[The Corporal freezes in fear, unable to speak]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. Rawlins''': There ain't no cause for that, sir. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': What's that, Sergeant? :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': It's just a soldiers' fight, sir. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': All right. You men move along. ''[pause]'' MOVE IT! :''[The 54th resumes its work and the 10th Connecticut continues marching; the Corporal looks at Rawlins briefly, then rejoins his unit]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': Yeah, button up that collar. Suck in that gut. Tuck in them big black lips. Lighten your skin, shrink up that nose. :'''Thomas Searles''': I don't have to listen to this. ''[stands up to leave]'' :'''Trip''': ''[blocks his way]'' Where you goin', boy? :'''Thomas Searles''': Let me by. :'''Trip''': Let you by? Let you by. Let me tell you something boy. You can march like the white man. You can talk like him. You can learn his songs. You can even wear his suits. But you ain't ''never'' gonna be nothing to him but an ugly ass ''chimp'' in a blue suit. Oh, you don't like that, do you? :'''Thomas Searles''': No. :'''Trip''': Well, what we gonna do about it? Want to fight me, boy? Huh? What you gonna do about it? You want to fight me, don't you? Don't you? Come on, nig. :''[Trip and Searles are about to fight]'' :'''John Rawlins''': ''[stepping in]'' All right! All right! :'''Trip''': Hey, get your hands off me, gravedigger! :'''John Rawlins''': Goddamn it! Does the whole world gotta stomp on your face? :'''Trip''': Nigger, you better get your hands off me! :'''John Rawlins''': Ain't no niggers around here, you hear me? :'''Trip''': Oh, I see. So the white man give you a couple of stripes, next thing you hollerin' and orderin' everybody around, like you the massa hisself! Nigger, you ain't nothin' but the white man's dog! Shit. :'''John Rawlins''': ''[slaps Trip in the face]'' And what are you? So full of hate you just want to go out and fight everybody because you've been whipped and chased by hounds. Well, that might not be living, but it sure as hell ain't dying. And dying's what these white boys been doin' for going on three years now, dying by the thousands! Dying for ''you'', fool! I know, 'cuz I dug the graves. And all the time I'm diggin', I'm askin' myself, "When? When, O Lord, is it gonna be our time?" Well, time's comin' when we're gonna hafta ante up. Ante up and kick in like men. '''''LIKE MEN!''''' You watch who you callin' ''nigger''. There's any niggers round here, it's YOU! Smart-mouthed, stupid-ass, swamp-runnin' nigger. If you ain't careful, that's all you ever gonna be. <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Charles Harker''': Ah, Shaw. Sit down. ''[Shaw remains standing]'' Well, Colonel, what can I do for you? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You can give me and my regiment a transfer to combat command. :'''General Charles Harker''': Couldn't do it, Colonel. You're much too valuable to my operations here. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[after a long pause]'' May I sit? ''[Harker motions for Shaw to sit.]'' Thank you. ''[to Major Forbes]'' Major. ''[Shaw and Forbes both sit down]'' I've written a letter to my father, asking him to press Governor Andrew and President Lincoln. But I don't have to wait for all that, do I? :'''General Charles Harker''': ''[to Colonel Montgomery]'' Colonel Montgomery, would you bring that ashtray over here? :''[Colonel Montgomery stops playing the harpsichord and walks over to the desk with an ashtray. General Harker lights a cigar]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': But valuable to your operations here, do you say? Your foraging, your depredations? Yes, I've become quite a student of your operations in this region. Thirty-four mansions, I think it was, pillaged and burned under Colonel Montgomery's expedition of the Combahee. Four thousand bales of cotton smuggled through the lines with payment to parties unknown, except by you. False quartermaster requisitions. Major Forbes here has seen the copies. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Yes, indeed. Along with confiscated valuables shipped north as personal baggage. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Shall I go on? :'''General Charles Harker''': Can you? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I can report you to the War Department. Oh, yes. I can do that. :''[General Harker considers the threat, weighing it against Shaw's demand]'' :'''General Charles Harker''': ''[stands]'' Let you take your regiment out to fight. That's what you want, isn't it? Show what they can do. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': When? :'''General Charles Harker''': ''[chuckles]'' You are bright-eyed, aren't you? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': When? :'''General Charles Harker''': Just as soon as I can write the orders. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the battle of Grimball's Landing, Shaw is walking amongst the dead and wounded, and comes across Thomas Searles, who has been shot]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Thomas! :'''Thomas Searles''': How do, Colonel? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Hurts, doesn't it? ''[Searles nods]'' Well, I'm extremely jealous. You'll be back in Boston before me, stting by the fire, reading Hawthorne, decent cup of coffee. :'''Thomas Searles''': I'm not going back. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Thomas, listen to me. You're shot. You have to go back. :'''Thomas Searles''': Robert, promise me that you won't send me back. Promise me! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': All right. All right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Trip, isn't it? :'''Trip''': Yes, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You fought very well yesterday, Trip. Sergeant Rawlins has recommended that you receive a commendation. :'''Trip''': Yes, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Yes, and I think you should bear the regimental colors. :'''Trip''': Well... :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It's considered quite an honor. Why not? :'''Trip''': Well, I'm...wanting to say somethin', sir, but I... :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Go ahead. :'''Trip''': All right. See, um...I ain't fightin' this war for you, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I see. :'''Trip''': I mean, what's the point? Ain't nobody gonna win. It's just gonna go on and on. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Can't go on forever. :'''Trip''': Yeah, but ain't nobody gonna win, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Somebody's gonna win. :'''Trip''': Who? I mean, you get to go on back to Boston, big house and all that. What about us? What do we get? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Well, you won't get anything if we lose. What do you want to do? :'''Trip''': I don't know, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It stinks, I suppose. :'''Trip''': Yeah, it stinks bad. And we all covered up in it. I mean, ain't nobody clean. Be nice to get clean though. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': How do we do that? :'''Trip''': We ante up and kick in, sir. But I still don't want to carry your flag. <hr width="50%"/> :'''General George Strong''': ''[addressing his officers]'' No one will ever take Charleston without first silencing the forts which protect its harbor. And the first one that must be taken is that: Fort Wagner. ''[points to Fort Wagner in the distance]'' Wagner mounts a 10-inch Columbiad, three smoothbore 32-pounders, a 42-pound carronade, a 10-inch coast mortar, and four 12-pound howitzers, plus a garrison of about a thousand men. As many of you gentlemen may be aware, over the last four days, our Navy has weakened Wagner with a constant barrage. Headquarters has determined a time for our attack. We will proceed with a direct frontal assault tomorrow at dusk. The problem, gentlemen, is the approach. The ocean and the marsh leave only a narrow strip of sand, a natural defile through which we can only send one regiment at a time. Now our best hope is that leading regiment can keep the Rebs occupied long enough for reinforcements to exploit the breach. Needless to say, casualties in the leading regiment may be extreme. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': General Strong. The 54th Massachusetts requests the honor of leading the attack on Fort Wagner. :'''General George Strong''': It's Colonel Shaw, isn't it? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Yes, sir. :'''General George Strong''': You and your men haven't slept in two days. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': That's right sir. :'''General George Strong''': You think they have the strength to lead this charge? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': There's more to fighting than rest, sir. There's character. There's strength of heart. You should have seen us in action two days ago. We were a sight to see! We'll be ready, sir. When do you want us? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Regiment is assembled for the attack on Fort Wagner]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Ought to be quite a show, Pierce. :'''Edward Pierce''': Best seat in the house. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I was wondering if you might do something for me. ''[hands Pierce letters]'' I have some letters here. Personal things. :'''Edward Pierce''': Certainly, Colonel. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Also, if I should fall... remember what you see here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[points to the color-bearer]'' If this man should fall, who will lift the flag and carry on? :'''Thomas Searles''': ''[steps forward]'' I will. :'''Soldiers''': Huzzah! Huzzah! '''Huzzah!!''' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I'll see you in the fort, Thomas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[last words]'' Come on, Fifty-fourth! ''[but is shot]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': ROBERT! :''[Shaw struggles forward, but is shot two more times and falls dead]'' :'''Trip''': ''[gets up and take the flag from the dead Shaw]'' COME ON! ''[begins to carry the flag forward, but is shot and killed]'' :''[Trip's courageous call increases the morale of all Union troops in the battle]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': CHARGE! :''[All men charge uphill toward the Fort]'' == Cast == * [[Matthew Broderick]] - Col. Robert Gould Shaw * [[w:Denzel Washington|Denzel Washington]] - Pvt. Trip * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] - Maj. Cabot Forbes * [[Morgan Freeman]] - Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins * [[w:Jihmi Kennedy|Jihmi Kennedy]] - Pvt. Jupiter Sharts * [[w:Andre Braugher|Andre Braugher]] - Cpl. Thomas Searles * [[w:John Finn|John Finn]] - Sgt. Maj. Mulcahy * [[w:Donovan Leitch|Donovan Leitch]] - Capt. Charles Morse * [[w:JD Cullum|JD Cullum]] - Henry Sturgis Russell * [[w:Alan North|Alan North]] - Gov. John Andrew * [[w:Bob Gunton|Bob Gunton]] - Gen. Harker * [[w:Cliff De Young|Cliff De Young]] - Col. James M. Montgomery * [[w:Richard Riehle|Richard Riehle]] - Kendric, quartermaster * [[w:Raymond St. Jacques|Raymond St. Jacques]] - Frederick Douglass == Quotes about ''Glory'' == * Black men have fought and died in every conflict this nation was involved in, from the Revolutionary War onward . . . . We are Americans, and we fought and died to be Americans. ** Morgan Freeman, who was honored as the Runner-up for the 1989 "Los Angeles Film Critics Association Award for Best Actor" in part for his portrayal of Sergeant Major John Rawlins in ''Glory''. The quote is from an article in ''The New York Times'' entitled "'Glory' Resurrects Its Black Heroes" written by Glenn Collins. (March 26, 1989) == External links == {{wikipedia|Glory (1989 film)}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=glory|title=Glory}} *{{imdb title|0097441|title=Glory}} [[Category:1989 films]] [[Category:American Civil War films]] [[Category:1980s American films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Films based on true stories]] [[Category:Films about racism]] [[Category:Films about slavery]] [[Category:Films set in the 1860s]] [[Category:Films set in South Carolina]] [[Category:Films set in Georgia (state)]] [[Category:Films set in Massachusetts]] 56gdpozf7buv4y6i4qwee9ls8id4w9b 3955155 3955150 2026-06-21T22:21:56Z Pithy Francoln 2426069 {Holiday movie project - Juneteenth} In the text of the just-added quote from Morgan Freeman, I added links to the Wikiquote page for "American Revolution" and the Wikipedia pages for "Military history of African Americans" and "United States Colored Troops". 3955155 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:The Storming of Ft Wagner-lithograph by Kurz and Allison 1890 (cropped).jpg|thumb|right|'''Give'em hell 54th!''']] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Glory (1989 film)|Glory]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] about the US Civil War's first all-black volunteer regiment as they fight against the prejudices of both their own Union army and the Confederates. :''Directed by [[w:Edward Zwick|Edward Zwick]]. Written by [[w:Kevin Jarre|Kevin Jarre]], based on books by [[w:Lincoln Kirstein|Lincoln Kirstein]] and [[w:Peter Burchard|Peter Burchard]] and the letters of [[w:Robert Gould Shaw|Robert Gould Shaw]].'' {{center|'''Their innocence. Their heritage. Their lives. Their bravery. Nothing would be spared in the fight for their freedom.'''}} [[File:William Harvey Carney c1864.jpg|thumb|right|If this man should fall, who will lift the flag and carry on?]] [[File:Robert Gould Shaw.jpg|thumb|right|It is my job to get these men ready. And I will. They have risked their lives to be here, they have given up their freedom. I owe them as much as they have given. I owe them ''my'' freedom...my ''life'' if necessary.]] [[File:Robert Gould Shaw Memorial - detail.jpg|thumb|There's more to fighting than rest, sir. There's character. There's strength of heart. You should have seen us in action two days ago. We were a sight to see! We'll be ready, sir. When do you want us?]] [[File:Union Army Infantry Sergeant Major.svg|thumb|Mr. Rawlins, this regiment was formed with the promise that only white officers would be commissioned to lead it. Nothing was mentioned, however, about noncommissioned officers. Therefore, in recognition of initiative taken not only for yourself, but on behalf of the entire regiment, you are hereby awarded the rank of Sergeant Major. Congratulations.]] [[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|If tomorrow is our great getting up moment... If tomorrow we have to meet the judgment day... Heavenly Father, we want you to let our folks know... that we died facing the enemy. We want'em to know, that we went down ''standing up!'' Amongst those that are fighting against our oppression. ''We want 'em to know, Heavenly Father, that we died fighting for freedom!'' ]] == Placards == *<p>Robert Gould Shaw, the son of wealthy Boston abolitionists, was 23 years old when he enlisted to fight in the War between the States.</p><p>He wrote home regularly, telling his parents of life in the gathering Army of the Potomac.</p><p>These letters are collected in the Houghton Library of Harvard University.</p> *<p>The 54th Massachusetts Brigade lost over half its number in the assault on Ft. Wagner. The supporting white brigades also suffered heavily before withdrawing.</p><p>The fort was never taken.</p><p>As word of their bravery spread, Congress at last authorized the raising of black troops throughout the Union. Over 180,000 volunteered.</p><p>President Lincoln credited these men of color with helping turn the tide of the war.</p> == Colonel Robert Gould Shaw == * ''[first lines, in a letter]'' Dear Mother, I hope you are keeping well and not worrying too much about me. You mustn't think that any of us are going to be killed, for they are collecting such a force here that an attack would be insane. The Massachusetts men passed through here this morning. How grand it is to meet the men from all the states, east and west, ready to fight fro their country, as the old fellows did in the Revolution. But this time, we must make it a whole country, for all who live here, so that all can speak. Before this war began, many of my regiment had never seen a negro, and now the roads are choked with the dispossessed. We fight for men and women whose poetry is not yet written, but which will presently be as enviable and as renowned as any. Last night, we heard of yet another defeat, but we are not disheartened. I am honored to be part of such a splendid company. They have made me captain, of which I am enormously proud. You would think it strange to see me giving orders to a hundred men, most of whom are older than I am. Thank you for sending my volume of Emerson. His words come home to me like truth. "A deep man," he says, "believes that the evil eye can wither, that the heart's blessing can heal, and that love can overcome all odds." My dearest love to Father. Your son, Robert. * Good morning gentlemen, I am Colonel Robert Gould Shaw. I am your commanding officer. It is a great pleasure to see you all here today. It is my hope that the same courage, spirit, and honor, which has brought us together, will one day restore this Union. May God bless us all! * Dear Mother, the men learn very quickly; faster than white troops, it seems to me. They are almost grave and sedate under instruction and they restrain themselves. But the moment they are dismissed from drill, every tongue is relaxed and every ivory tooth is visible and you would not know from the sound of it that this is an army camp. They must have learned this from long hours of meaningless, inhuman work to set their minds free so quickly. It gives them great energy. And there is no doubt we will leave this state as fine a regiment as any that as marched. As ever, your son, Robert. * It is my job to get these men ready. And I will. They have risked their lives to be here, they have given up their freedom. I owe them as much as they have given. I owe them ''my'' freedom...my ''life'' if necessary. * If you men will take no pay, then none of us will! ''[holds up his own paycheck and tears it in half]'' * Dear Father, I need your help. Despite my many requests, it has become clear that we are to be used only for manual labor. Morale is low. The men's humor darkened by idleness and despair. Why keep drilling if they are never to be given the opportunity to prove themselves? I have written to Governor Andrew as well as to the general staff in Washington. But I feel that only a letter directly from you to [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] himself can have the desired effect. I can think of no other course. I am sure you both pray, as I do, that all this has not been in vain. * There's more to fighting than rest, sir. There's character. There's strength of heart. You should have seen us in action two days ago. We were a sight to see! We'll be ready, sir. When do you want us? * ''[Last words]'' Come on, Fifty-Fourth! == Sergeant John Mulcahy == * For God's sake, men, you march like a bunch of crippled old goats! Jesus Christ, we're gonna be here day and night till we get this right! One, one! Company, halt! About-face! You are ugly Mexican, African fucking whores! We're gonna work on this day and night till we get this right, gentlemen. Forward at the half step. March! * ''[to Thomas Searles]'' Oh, look at this. Bonnie Prince Charlie. Are you a gentleman? Are you a member of Congress or something? Or are you the bloody prince of Africa?! ''[Searles glances at him]'' Well, don't look at me! ''[grabs his jaw, points his face forward]'' Look straight ahead! Look straight ahead! I'll eat your ass up, boy-o! == Major Forbes == * Mr. Rawlins, this regiment was formed with the promise that only white officers would be commissioned to lead it. Nothing was mentioned, however, about noncommissioned officers. Therefore, in recognition of initiative taken not only for yourself, but on behalf of the entire regiment, you are hereby awarded the rank of Sergeant Major. Congratulations. == Private Trip == * Let me tell you something boy. You can march like the white man. You can talk like him. You can learn his songs. You can even wear his suits. But you ain't ''never'' gonna be nothing to him but an ugly ass ''chimp'' in a blue suit. * ''[addressing the 54th the night before battle]'' I ain't much about no prayin,' now. I ain't never had no family, and...killed off my mama. Well, I just...Y'all's the onliest family I got. I love the 54th. Ain't even much a matter what happens tomorrow, 'cause we men, ain't we? We men. == Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins == * ''[to a group of children]'' That's right, honeys. Ain't no dream. We runaway slaves, but we come back fightin' men. Go tell your folks how kingdom come in the year of jubilee! * If tomorrow is our great getting up moment...If tomorrow we have to meet the judgment day...Heavenly Father, we want you to let our folks know...that we died facing the enemy. We want'em to know, that we went down ''standing up!'' Amongst those that are fighting against our oppression. ''We want ‘em to know, Heavenly Father, that we died for freedom!'' == Other == * '''Pvt. Jupiter Sharts''': ''[praying aloud]'' Tomorrow we goes into battle. So Lordy, let me fight with the rifle in one hand and the Good Book in the other. So that if I may die at the muzzle of the rifle...die on water, or on land, I may know that you blessed Jesus almighty are with me...and I have no fear. Amen. * '''Union Corporal''': Give'em hell 54th! == Dialogue == :'''Army Surgeon''': Heard the latest? :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': What's that? :'''Army Surgeon''': Well, I heard it from a friend who's a dispatch rider, who got it from a friend of his who's one of Stanton's clerks in the War Office. He says Lincoln is gonna issue an [[Emancipation Proclamation]]. Gonna free the slaves. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': What? :'''Army Surgeon''': Well, maybe not the ones in the border states or somethin', I don't know, but he's gonna free some of 'em, anyway. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': My God. :'''Army Surgeon''': Yeah, he said he would have done it sooner, only he was waiting on a big victory, which is, I guess what [[w:Battle of Antietam|this]] is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Francis Shaw''': Robert. Governor Andrew, you know my son, Robert. :'''Governor John Andrew''': ''[shakes Robert's hand]'' Yes, good to see you again, Robert. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Governor Andrew. :'''Francis Shaw''': ''[gestures to Douglass]'' Robert, have you met Frederick Douglass? :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Mr. Douglass. :'''Governor John Andrew''': I understand you were Antietam. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Yes. :'''Governor John Andrew''': A great and a terrible day. Well, I could use your help, Robert. :'''Francis Shaw''': The governor is proposing to raise a regiment of negro soldiers. :'''Governor John Andrew''': No, no, no, it was not just my idea. Mr. Douglass and some of us... :'''Frederick Douglass''': We will offer pride and dignity to those who have known only degradation. :'''Sarah Shaw''': Colored soldiers, Robert. Just think of it. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Wonderful. :'''Governor John Andrew''': I've submitted your name, Robert, to be commissioned colonel of the 54th Massachusetts Infantry. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Thank you, governor, that's...It's a wonderful idea. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': Wait, no. That's my space, nigger. I sleep better close by the door. :'''Thomas Searles''': Well, if you don't mind, I'd prefer a space where there's more sufficient reading light. :'''Trip''': Oh, I like it when niggers talk good as white folk! :'''Thomas Searles''': I'd be happy to teach you. It would be my pleasure. :'''Trip''': Hey, listen here, snowflake, I ain't got nothin' to learn from no house nigger, you hear? :'''Thomas Searles''': I am a free man, as was my father before me. :'''Trip''': Oh, you free, huh? Then move your free black ass out my space, before I have to bust it up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Seasoned veteran Sergeant Major Mulcahy is attempting to teach the 54th to march in formation]'' :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': For God's sake, man! Do you not know your right from your left? :'''Jupiter Sharts''': ''[stammers]'' N-No, sir. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': How many here do not know right from left? ''[several men raise their hands]'' Jesus, have pity. ''[slaps Sharts on the chest]'' ''This'' is your front! ''[slaps him on the back]'' ''This'' is your rear! ''[stomps on Sharts' right foot]'' ''This'' is your right! And ''this''- ''[Sharts raises his left foot as Mulcahy is about to stomp on it]'' Now you're learning, boy-o. Company! Forward, march! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Sergeant Major! :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Sir! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': At ease, Sergeant. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I have no doubt you are a fair man, Mulcahy. I wonder if you are treating these men too hard. ''[Mulcahy hesitates to speak.]'' You disagree. You may speak freely. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': ''[referring to Searles]'' The boy's your friend, is he? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': We grew up together, yes. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Let him grow up some more. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You're a good shot, private. :'''Jupiter Sharts''': Thank you, sir. Squirrel hunting. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You ever killed a man? :'''Jupiter Sharts''': No, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': But you're handy with a gun. :'''Jupiter Sharts''': Yes, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Reload. ''[Sharts slowly starts to reload his rifle]'' Faster. ''[Sharts continues reloading]'' Faster. ''Faster!'' ''[Sharts finishes loading, and fumbles for a fuse cap]'' Discharge your weapon. Discharge your weapon. Do it! ''[Sharts takes aim, and fires]'' Now do it again, only this time, I want it done quickly! ''[to the other men]'' A good man can fire three aimed shots in a minute. Major Forbes, give me your Colt revolver. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': What? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Your gun. Give it to me. ''[Forbes hands Shaw his pistol, and he turns back to Sharts who is still reloading his rifle]'' Faster. ''[Sharts takes aim and fires again]'' Reload. Quickly! Faster! ''[Shaw fires the pistol]'' Faster! Load. ''[fires]'' Faster! ''[fires]'' Do it! DO IT!! ''[fires]'' DO IT! ''[fires]'' DO IT! ''[fires]'' ''[Sharts fumbles with his weapon, and stares at Shaw, shaken. Shaw turns back to Major Forbes, and hands him back his pistol]'' Teach them...properly, Major. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Why do you treat the men this way, Robert? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': How should I treat them? :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Like men? And what about Thomas? Why are you so hard on him? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': He's not a very good soldier. I'm getting these men ready for battle. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Robert. They're already good as the 7th ever was. They march well, they're disciplined. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': No thanks to you. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': I beg your pardon? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You heard me. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Who do you think you are, acting the high-up colonel?! You seem to forget, I know you. And so does Thomas. ''[starts to walk off]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Forbes! If you don't believe in what we're doing here, maybe you shouldn't be part of it. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Part of what? Huh?! ''[imitating Mulcahy]'' "Left, right! Left, right! Little finger along the seams of yer trousers!" ''[normally]'' Marching is probably ''all'' they'll ever get to do, Robert. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It is my job...to get these men ready. And I will. They have risked their lives to be here, they have given up their freedom. I owe them as much as they have given. I owe them ''my'' freedom...my ''life'' if necessary. Maybe so do you, Cabot. I think you do. :''[Cabot bows mockingly and walks off]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sergeant Major Mulcahy is leading a Company of the 54th during a bayonet drill]'' :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Thrust! Develop! Guard! ''[walks past Jupiter Sharts]'' You're not a dancing school son, take his head off! Thrust! Develop! Guard! ''[walks to Thomas Searles]'' Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what have here? Bonny Prince Charlie and his little toy bayonet. Your not reading your books now. Go on, go on, get over here, get over here. Now stab me. :'''Thomas Searles''': What? :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Stab. Me. ''[Searles half-heartedly prods with his bayonet. Mulcahey sweeps it aside disdainfully.]'' Stab, not tickle! Hit me! ''[Searles again lunges with the bayonet]'' Come on! You prissy little schoolgirl, you're the worst Soldier in this whole company, now hit me!''[Thomas lunges with his bayonet, Mulcahy deftly grabs his weapon and viciously knocks him to the ground with it.]'' No shame son, get up. ''[Searles lies on the ground crying]'' I said ''get up!'' :'''Trip''': Nigger forgot to duck, that's all. ''[a few other soldiers laugh]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[points at Trip]'' Sergeant, deal with that man. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': ''[walks over to Trip, whispers]'' Let me tell you a wee secret, son. The only thing you're to learn to do is to keep your mouth shut. ''[pushes Trip back]'' :'''John Rawlins''': ''[holds Trip back as he tries to lunge back at Mulcahy]'' Save it, son. Save it. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': First rank to the rear, back to work! :'''Thomas Searles''': ''[to Shaw, on the verge of tears]'' Robert, Robert. I'd like to speak to you for a moment in private, if I may. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Enlisted men wishing to speak to their commanding officer, must first get permission. You understand, private? :'''Thomas Searles''': ''[shedding tears, salutes]'' Yes, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Col. Shaw approaches Rawlins after having Trip horse-whipped for desertion]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Mr. Rawlins...this morning, I...it would be a great help if I could talk to you from time to time about the men. That's all. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''John Rawlins''': Shoes, sir. ''[Shaw turns around]'' The men need shoes, Colonel. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Yes, I've been after the quartermaster for some time. :'''John Rawlins''': No, sir. ''Now''. That boy ran off to find him some shoes, Colonel. He wants to fight. Same as the rest of us. More, even. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shaw enters the quartermaster's office while some of his soldiers guard the door]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Good afternoon, Colonel. Change your mind about that bottle I was talking about? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I want 600 pairs of shoes and 1200 pairs of socks...and anything else you've been holding out on us, you piece of rat filth. :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': I'd love to help you, Colonel, but we just don't have any. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Not for niggers, you don't! :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Not for anybody. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I see. Pity. I'll just look around to see if you haven't misplaced them, hmm? ''[starts smashing up the place, throwing items off shelves and onto the floor]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': HEY! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[over the noise]'' Where are they, you son of a bitch?! ''[throws items off another shelf]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Damn it, you can't-! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''Can't'' I?! I'm a ''colonel'', you nasty little cuss! You ''really'' think you can keep 700 Union soldiers without proper shoes because you think it's ''funny''?! Now, where would that power come from?! :''[Kendric stares in shock, then grabs for a wine bottle and glasses]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Look- settle down, uh- have a drink! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward Pierce''': Colonel Shaw. Edward Pierce, special assignment from ''Harper's Weekly''. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''Harper's Weekly''? :'''Edward Pierce''': Serving an entire nation. A million loyal readers want to know what happens when the men of the 54th see action. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': A million and one. Well, you'll want to see this. ''[gestures to Forbes]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Attention, company! ''[the men stand at attention]'' Rawlins, front and center. :'''John Rawlins''': ''[steps forward]'' Sir! :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Mr. Rawlins, this regiment was formed with the promise that only white officers would be commissioned to lead it. Nothing was mentioned, however, about noncommissioned officers. Therefore, in recognition of initiative taken not only for yourself, but on behalf of the entire regiment, you are hereby awarded the rank of Sergeant Major. ''[hands Rawlins sword and insignia]]'' Congratulations. ''[shakes Rawlins' hand]'' :'''John Rawlins''': ''[salutes]'' Thank you, sir. :'''Soldiers''': Hip, hip, hooray! Hooray! Hooray! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Congratulations. :'''John Rawlins''': I ain't sure I'm wanting this, Colonel. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I know exactly how you feel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The 54th has just entered the mostly deserted town of Darien]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': Town's clean, sir. Ain't no Rebs here, just some women. :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Well, all right. You here that, boys? Let's clear her out! :''[The soldiers start looting the town]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': What are you doing? :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Liberating this town in the name of the Republic. :'''Soldier''': The musket, master Colonel. Never shoot it. Shoot now? :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Yeah, I don't see why not. Go ahead. :'''Soldier''': Shoot the lady, boys! ''[shoots at figurehead on hotel]'' :'''Man''': ''[runs out]'' Don't shoot! We ain't Secesh here! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': That man is a civilian! :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': That man is Secesh, and Secesh is all the same, son. ''[the soldiers fire at the man, who runs off]'' Look around you, look at 'em. You really think anybody's gonna put some boys into some real combat? ''Do'' you? I mean, they're little children for God's sake. Little monkey children. You just gotta learn how to control them. :''[A scream is heard, Shaw and Montgomery look over to see a soldier fighting with an evil racist white woman and her suffering black slave over some silverware he is righteously trying to liberate from these oppressive slavemasters]'' You see what I mean? Children. :'''Evil Racist White Woman''': ''[Demonstrates her impertinence and hits the soldier]'' Animal! Leave her alone! ''[the righteous soldier grabs and starts choking her, doing the world a favor by ridding it of this evil racist hag]'' :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Hey, boy! Take your hands off the white lady. ''[the soldier ignores him, Montgomery pulls out his pistol and shoots the man dead]'' Now that would not have been necessary if that Secesh woman hadn't started it (EXACTLY! You go die, Rayciss Whitey!). They'll never learn. You see, Secesh has got to be swept away by the hand of God, like the Jews of old. And now I'll have to burn this town. :'''Evil Racist White Woman''': [Impotently screeching like a banshee at the fact she no longer has control over the black man] Nigger soldiers! NIGGER SOLDIERS! :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Tell your men to set torches and prepare to fire the buildings. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I will not. :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': That is an order. You will do it, or you will be brought up on charges for disobeying your superior officer. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It is an immoral order, and by articles of war, I am not bound to obey it. :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Well, you can just explain that at your court-martial. After your men are placed under my command. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[long pause, to his men]'' First squad, second platoon. Fall out to set torches. Prepare to fire the town. :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': First squad, second platoon! Fall out! :''[The soldiers proceed to set fire to the buildings]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': ''[to a group of Union soldiers marching up the road]'' Look like we goin' the wrong way. Hey. Hey, come on now, buck up boys! Hey, buck up now, come on! Be someday they gonna let the 54th get into it, see! And all your troubles would be over. Come on now, cheer up! :'''10th Connecticut Corporal''': ''[stops to face Trip]'' What'd you say, boy? :'''Trip''': Boy? Hey, let me tell you... :'''Thomas Searles''': Shut up, Trip. :'''Trip''': ''[to Searles]'' Would you get up off me, snowflake? ''[to the 10th Connecticut Corporal]'' See, let me explain something to you. See, the way I figure, I figure this war would be over a whole lot sooner if you boys just turned right on around and headed back on down that way, and you let us head on up there where the real fighting is. :'''Union Soldier''': There are men dyin' up that road. :'''Trip''': And there wouldn't be nothing but Rebs dyin' if they'd let the 54th in it. :'''Union Solder''': Listen- :''[Men of both regiments argue and begin fighting]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': Hold it! As you were, Trip! As you were! ''[to the Connecticut soldiers]'' You men move on. :'''10th Connecticut Corporal''': ''[scoffing as he notices Rawlins' rank]'' Stripes on a nigger. That's like tits on a bull! :''[The other Union soldiers laugh]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': You're lookin' at a higher rank, Corporal. You'll obey and you'll like it. :'''10th Connecticut Corporal''': Make me. :'''Trip''': I'll make you! :''[The 10th Connecticut soldiers push forward again and the fight resumes]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': ''[arriving on his horse]'' WHAT THE ''HELL'' IS GOING ON HERE?! :''[The fighting immediately stops]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': Attention! :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': ''[pointing at the 10th Connecticut Corporal]'' You! Yes, ''you''! What's your name? I'm putting you up on charges! :''[The Corporal freezes in fear, unable to speak]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. Rawlins''': There ain't no cause for that, sir. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': What's that, Sergeant? :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': It's just a soldiers' fight, sir. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': All right. You men move along. ''[pause]'' MOVE IT! :''[The 54th resumes its work and the 10th Connecticut continues marching; the Corporal looks at Rawlins briefly, then rejoins his unit]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': Yeah, button up that collar. Suck in that gut. Tuck in them big black lips. Lighten your skin, shrink up that nose. :'''Thomas Searles''': I don't have to listen to this. ''[stands up to leave]'' :'''Trip''': ''[blocks his way]'' Where you goin', boy? :'''Thomas Searles''': Let me by. :'''Trip''': Let you by? Let you by. Let me tell you something boy. You can march like the white man. You can talk like him. You can learn his songs. You can even wear his suits. But you ain't ''never'' gonna be nothing to him but an ugly ass ''chimp'' in a blue suit. Oh, you don't like that, do you? :'''Thomas Searles''': No. :'''Trip''': Well, what we gonna do about it? Want to fight me, boy? Huh? What you gonna do about it? You want to fight me, don't you? Don't you? Come on, nig. :''[Trip and Searles are about to fight]'' :'''John Rawlins''': ''[stepping in]'' All right! All right! :'''Trip''': Hey, get your hands off me, gravedigger! :'''John Rawlins''': Goddamn it! Does the whole world gotta stomp on your face? :'''Trip''': Nigger, you better get your hands off me! :'''John Rawlins''': Ain't no niggers around here, you hear me? :'''Trip''': Oh, I see. So the white man give you a couple of stripes, next thing you hollerin' and orderin' everybody around, like you the massa hisself! Nigger, you ain't nothin' but the white man's dog! Shit. :'''John Rawlins''': ''[slaps Trip in the face]'' And what are you? So full of hate you just want to go out and fight everybody because you've been whipped and chased by hounds. Well, that might not be living, but it sure as hell ain't dying. And dying's what these white boys been doin' for going on three years now, dying by the thousands! Dying for ''you'', fool! I know, 'cuz I dug the graves. And all the time I'm diggin', I'm askin' myself, "When? When, O Lord, is it gonna be our time?" Well, time's comin' when we're gonna hafta ante up. Ante up and kick in like men. '''''LIKE MEN!''''' You watch who you callin' ''nigger''. There's any niggers round here, it's YOU! Smart-mouthed, stupid-ass, swamp-runnin' nigger. If you ain't careful, that's all you ever gonna be. <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Charles Harker''': Ah, Shaw. Sit down. ''[Shaw remains standing]'' Well, Colonel, what can I do for you? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You can give me and my regiment a transfer to combat command. :'''General Charles Harker''': Couldn't do it, Colonel. You're much too valuable to my operations here. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[after a long pause]'' May I sit? ''[Harker motions for Shaw to sit.]'' Thank you. ''[to Major Forbes]'' Major. ''[Shaw and Forbes both sit down]'' I've written a letter to my father, asking him to press Governor Andrew and President Lincoln. But I don't have to wait for all that, do I? :'''General Charles Harker''': ''[to Colonel Montgomery]'' Colonel Montgomery, would you bring that ashtray over here? :''[Colonel Montgomery stops playing the harpsichord and walks over to the desk with an ashtray. General Harker lights a cigar]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': But valuable to your operations here, do you say? Your foraging, your depredations? Yes, I've become quite a student of your operations in this region. Thirty-four mansions, I think it was, pillaged and burned under Colonel Montgomery's expedition of the Combahee. Four thousand bales of cotton smuggled through the lines with payment to parties unknown, except by you. False quartermaster requisitions. Major Forbes here has seen the copies. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Yes, indeed. Along with confiscated valuables shipped north as personal baggage. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Shall I go on? :'''General Charles Harker''': Can you? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I can report you to the War Department. Oh, yes. I can do that. :''[General Harker considers the threat, weighing it against Shaw's demand]'' :'''General Charles Harker''': ''[stands]'' Let you take your regiment out to fight. That's what you want, isn't it? Show what they can do. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': When? :'''General Charles Harker''': ''[chuckles]'' You are bright-eyed, aren't you? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': When? :'''General Charles Harker''': Just as soon as I can write the orders. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the battle of Grimball's Landing, Shaw is walking amongst the dead and wounded, and comes across Thomas Searles, who has been shot]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Thomas! :'''Thomas Searles''': How do, Colonel? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Hurts, doesn't it? ''[Searles nods]'' Well, I'm extremely jealous. You'll be back in Boston before me, stting by the fire, reading Hawthorne, decent cup of coffee. :'''Thomas Searles''': I'm not going back. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Thomas, listen to me. You're shot. You have to go back. :'''Thomas Searles''': Robert, promise me that you won't send me back. Promise me! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': All right. All right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Trip, isn't it? :'''Trip''': Yes, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You fought very well yesterday, Trip. Sergeant Rawlins has recommended that you receive a commendation. :'''Trip''': Yes, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Yes, and I think you should bear the regimental colors. :'''Trip''': Well... :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It's considered quite an honor. Why not? :'''Trip''': Well, I'm...wanting to say somethin', sir, but I... :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Go ahead. :'''Trip''': All right. See, um...I ain't fightin' this war for you, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I see. :'''Trip''': I mean, what's the point? Ain't nobody gonna win. It's just gonna go on and on. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Can't go on forever. :'''Trip''': Yeah, but ain't nobody gonna win, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Somebody's gonna win. :'''Trip''': Who? I mean, you get to go on back to Boston, big house and all that. What about us? What do we get? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Well, you won't get anything if we lose. What do you want to do? :'''Trip''': I don't know, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It stinks, I suppose. :'''Trip''': Yeah, it stinks bad. And we all covered up in it. I mean, ain't nobody clean. Be nice to get clean though. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': How do we do that? :'''Trip''': We ante up and kick in, sir. But I still don't want to carry your flag. <hr width="50%"/> :'''General George Strong''': ''[addressing his officers]'' No one will ever take Charleston without first silencing the forts which protect its harbor. And the first one that must be taken is that: Fort Wagner. ''[points to Fort Wagner in the distance]'' Wagner mounts a 10-inch Columbiad, three smoothbore 32-pounders, a 42-pound carronade, a 10-inch coast mortar, and four 12-pound howitzers, plus a garrison of about a thousand men. As many of you gentlemen may be aware, over the last four days, our Navy has weakened Wagner with a constant barrage. Headquarters has determined a time for our attack. We will proceed with a direct frontal assault tomorrow at dusk. The problem, gentlemen, is the approach. The ocean and the marsh leave only a narrow strip of sand, a natural defile through which we can only send one regiment at a time. Now our best hope is that leading regiment can keep the Rebs occupied long enough for reinforcements to exploit the breach. Needless to say, casualties in the leading regiment may be extreme. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': General Strong. The 54th Massachusetts requests the honor of leading the attack on Fort Wagner. :'''General George Strong''': It's Colonel Shaw, isn't it? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Yes, sir. :'''General George Strong''': You and your men haven't slept in two days. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': That's right sir. :'''General George Strong''': You think they have the strength to lead this charge? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': There's more to fighting than rest, sir. There's character. There's strength of heart. You should have seen us in action two days ago. We were a sight to see! We'll be ready, sir. When do you want us? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Regiment is assembled for the attack on Fort Wagner]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Ought to be quite a show, Pierce. :'''Edward Pierce''': Best seat in the house. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I was wondering if you might do something for me. ''[hands Pierce letters]'' I have some letters here. Personal things. :'''Edward Pierce''': Certainly, Colonel. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Also, if I should fall... remember what you see here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[points to the color-bearer]'' If this man should fall, who will lift the flag and carry on? :'''Thomas Searles''': ''[steps forward]'' I will. :'''Soldiers''': Huzzah! Huzzah! '''Huzzah!!''' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I'll see you in the fort, Thomas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[last words]'' Come on, Fifty-fourth! ''[but is shot]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': ROBERT! :''[Shaw struggles forward, but is shot two more times and falls dead]'' :'''Trip''': ''[gets up and take the flag from the dead Shaw]'' COME ON! ''[begins to carry the flag forward, but is shot and killed]'' :''[Trip's courageous call increases the morale of all Union troops in the battle]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': CHARGE! :''[All men charge uphill toward the Fort]'' == Cast == * [[Matthew Broderick]] - Col. Robert Gould Shaw * [[w:Denzel Washington|Denzel Washington]] - Pvt. Trip * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] - Maj. Cabot Forbes * [[Morgan Freeman]] - Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins * [[w:Jihmi Kennedy|Jihmi Kennedy]] - Pvt. Jupiter Sharts * [[w:Andre Braugher|Andre Braugher]] - Cpl. Thomas Searles * [[w:John Finn|John Finn]] - Sgt. Maj. Mulcahy * [[w:Donovan Leitch|Donovan Leitch]] - Capt. Charles Morse * [[w:JD Cullum|JD Cullum]] - Henry Sturgis Russell * [[w:Alan North|Alan North]] - Gov. John Andrew * [[w:Bob Gunton|Bob Gunton]] - Gen. Harker * [[w:Cliff De Young|Cliff De Young]] - Col. James M. Montgomery * [[w:Richard Riehle|Richard Riehle]] - Kendric, quartermaster * [[w:Raymond St. Jacques|Raymond St. Jacques]] - Frederick Douglass == Quotes about ''Glory'' == * [[w:Military history of African Americans|Black men have fought and died in every conflict this nation was involved in]], from the [[American Revolution|Revolutionary War]] onward . . . . We are Americans, and [[w:United States Colored Troops|we fought and died]] to be Americans. ** Morgan Freeman, who was honored as the Runner-up for the 1989 "Los Angeles Film Critics Association Award for Best Actor" in part for his portrayal of Sergeant Major John Rawlins in ''Glory''. The quote is from an article in ''The New York Times'' entitled "'Glory' Resurrects Its Black Heroes" written by Glenn Collins. (March 26, 1989) == External links == {{wikipedia|Glory (1989 film)}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=glory|title=Glory}} *{{imdb title|0097441|title=Glory}} [[Category:1989 films]] [[Category:American Civil War films]] [[Category:1980s American films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Films based on true stories]] [[Category:Films about racism]] [[Category:Films about slavery]] [[Category:Films set in the 1860s]] [[Category:Films set in South Carolina]] [[Category:Films set in Georgia (state)]] [[Category:Films set in Massachusetts]] 7w56yg602wwvz1gqo6wybc8fz5s4bqn 3955156 3955155 2026-06-21T22:32:03Z Pithy Francoln 2426069 /* Quotes about Glory */ {Holiday movie project - Juneteenth} In the attribution subtext below the just-added quote from Morgan Freeman, I added links to the Wikipedia pages for "Morgan Freeman" and "1989 Los Angeles Film Critics Association Awards", as well as a link to a 1989 review of the movie in the New York Times. 3955156 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:The Storming of Ft Wagner-lithograph by Kurz and Allison 1890 (cropped).jpg|thumb|right|'''Give'em hell 54th!''']] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Glory (1989 film)|Glory]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] about the US Civil War's first all-black volunteer regiment as they fight against the prejudices of both their own Union army and the Confederates. :''Directed by [[w:Edward Zwick|Edward Zwick]]. Written by [[w:Kevin Jarre|Kevin Jarre]], based on books by [[w:Lincoln Kirstein|Lincoln Kirstein]] and [[w:Peter Burchard|Peter Burchard]] and the letters of [[w:Robert Gould Shaw|Robert Gould Shaw]].'' {{center|'''Their innocence. Their heritage. Their lives. Their bravery. Nothing would be spared in the fight for their freedom.'''}} [[File:William Harvey Carney c1864.jpg|thumb|right|If this man should fall, who will lift the flag and carry on?]] [[File:Robert Gould Shaw.jpg|thumb|right|It is my job to get these men ready. And I will. They have risked their lives to be here, they have given up their freedom. I owe them as much as they have given. I owe them ''my'' freedom...my ''life'' if necessary.]] [[File:Robert Gould Shaw Memorial - detail.jpg|thumb|There's more to fighting than rest, sir. There's character. There's strength of heart. You should have seen us in action two days ago. We were a sight to see! We'll be ready, sir. When do you want us?]] [[File:Union Army Infantry Sergeant Major.svg|thumb|Mr. Rawlins, this regiment was formed with the promise that only white officers would be commissioned to lead it. Nothing was mentioned, however, about noncommissioned officers. Therefore, in recognition of initiative taken not only for yourself, but on behalf of the entire regiment, you are hereby awarded the rank of Sergeant Major. Congratulations.]] [[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|If tomorrow is our great getting up moment... If tomorrow we have to meet the judgment day... Heavenly Father, we want you to let our folks know... that we died facing the enemy. We want'em to know, that we went down ''standing up!'' Amongst those that are fighting against our oppression. ''We want 'em to know, Heavenly Father, that we died fighting for freedom!'' ]] == Placards == *<p>Robert Gould Shaw, the son of wealthy Boston abolitionists, was 23 years old when he enlisted to fight in the War between the States.</p><p>He wrote home regularly, telling his parents of life in the gathering Army of the Potomac.</p><p>These letters are collected in the Houghton Library of Harvard University.</p> *<p>The 54th Massachusetts Brigade lost over half its number in the assault on Ft. Wagner. The supporting white brigades also suffered heavily before withdrawing.</p><p>The fort was never taken.</p><p>As word of their bravery spread, Congress at last authorized the raising of black troops throughout the Union. Over 180,000 volunteered.</p><p>President Lincoln credited these men of color with helping turn the tide of the war.</p> == Colonel Robert Gould Shaw == * ''[first lines, in a letter]'' Dear Mother, I hope you are keeping well and not worrying too much about me. You mustn't think that any of us are going to be killed, for they are collecting such a force here that an attack would be insane. The Massachusetts men passed through here this morning. How grand it is to meet the men from all the states, east and west, ready to fight fro their country, as the old fellows did in the Revolution. But this time, we must make it a whole country, for all who live here, so that all can speak. Before this war began, many of my regiment had never seen a negro, and now the roads are choked with the dispossessed. We fight for men and women whose poetry is not yet written, but which will presently be as enviable and as renowned as any. Last night, we heard of yet another defeat, but we are not disheartened. I am honored to be part of such a splendid company. They have made me captain, of which I am enormously proud. You would think it strange to see me giving orders to a hundred men, most of whom are older than I am. Thank you for sending my volume of Emerson. His words come home to me like truth. "A deep man," he says, "believes that the evil eye can wither, that the heart's blessing can heal, and that love can overcome all odds." My dearest love to Father. Your son, Robert. * Good morning gentlemen, I am Colonel Robert Gould Shaw. I am your commanding officer. It is a great pleasure to see you all here today. It is my hope that the same courage, spirit, and honor, which has brought us together, will one day restore this Union. May God bless us all! * Dear Mother, the men learn very quickly; faster than white troops, it seems to me. They are almost grave and sedate under instruction and they restrain themselves. But the moment they are dismissed from drill, every tongue is relaxed and every ivory tooth is visible and you would not know from the sound of it that this is an army camp. They must have learned this from long hours of meaningless, inhuman work to set their minds free so quickly. It gives them great energy. And there is no doubt we will leave this state as fine a regiment as any that as marched. As ever, your son, Robert. * It is my job to get these men ready. And I will. They have risked their lives to be here, they have given up their freedom. I owe them as much as they have given. I owe them ''my'' freedom...my ''life'' if necessary. * If you men will take no pay, then none of us will! ''[holds up his own paycheck and tears it in half]'' * Dear Father, I need your help. Despite my many requests, it has become clear that we are to be used only for manual labor. Morale is low. The men's humor darkened by idleness and despair. Why keep drilling if they are never to be given the opportunity to prove themselves? I have written to Governor Andrew as well as to the general staff in Washington. But I feel that only a letter directly from you to [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] himself can have the desired effect. I can think of no other course. I am sure you both pray, as I do, that all this has not been in vain. * There's more to fighting than rest, sir. There's character. There's strength of heart. You should have seen us in action two days ago. We were a sight to see! We'll be ready, sir. When do you want us? * ''[Last words]'' Come on, Fifty-Fourth! == Sergeant John Mulcahy == * For God's sake, men, you march like a bunch of crippled old goats! Jesus Christ, we're gonna be here day and night till we get this right! One, one! Company, halt! About-face! You are ugly Mexican, African fucking whores! We're gonna work on this day and night till we get this right, gentlemen. Forward at the half step. March! * ''[to Thomas Searles]'' Oh, look at this. Bonnie Prince Charlie. Are you a gentleman? Are you a member of Congress or something? Or are you the bloody prince of Africa?! ''[Searles glances at him]'' Well, don't look at me! ''[grabs his jaw, points his face forward]'' Look straight ahead! Look straight ahead! I'll eat your ass up, boy-o! == Major Forbes == * Mr. Rawlins, this regiment was formed with the promise that only white officers would be commissioned to lead it. Nothing was mentioned, however, about noncommissioned officers. Therefore, in recognition of initiative taken not only for yourself, but on behalf of the entire regiment, you are hereby awarded the rank of Sergeant Major. Congratulations. == Private Trip == * Let me tell you something boy. You can march like the white man. You can talk like him. You can learn his songs. You can even wear his suits. But you ain't ''never'' gonna be nothing to him but an ugly ass ''chimp'' in a blue suit. * ''[addressing the 54th the night before battle]'' I ain't much about no prayin,' now. I ain't never had no family, and...killed off my mama. Well, I just...Y'all's the onliest family I got. I love the 54th. Ain't even much a matter what happens tomorrow, 'cause we men, ain't we? We men. == Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins == * ''[to a group of children]'' That's right, honeys. Ain't no dream. We runaway slaves, but we come back fightin' men. Go tell your folks how kingdom come in the year of jubilee! * If tomorrow is our great getting up moment...If tomorrow we have to meet the judgment day...Heavenly Father, we want you to let our folks know...that we died facing the enemy. We want'em to know, that we went down ''standing up!'' Amongst those that are fighting against our oppression. ''We want ‘em to know, Heavenly Father, that we died for freedom!'' == Other == * '''Pvt. Jupiter Sharts''': ''[praying aloud]'' Tomorrow we goes into battle. So Lordy, let me fight with the rifle in one hand and the Good Book in the other. So that if I may die at the muzzle of the rifle...die on water, or on land, I may know that you blessed Jesus almighty are with me...and I have no fear. Amen. * '''Union Corporal''': Give'em hell 54th! == Dialogue == :'''Army Surgeon''': Heard the latest? :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': What's that? :'''Army Surgeon''': Well, I heard it from a friend who's a dispatch rider, who got it from a friend of his who's one of Stanton's clerks in the War Office. He says Lincoln is gonna issue an [[Emancipation Proclamation]]. Gonna free the slaves. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': What? :'''Army Surgeon''': Well, maybe not the ones in the border states or somethin', I don't know, but he's gonna free some of 'em, anyway. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': My God. :'''Army Surgeon''': Yeah, he said he would have done it sooner, only he was waiting on a big victory, which is, I guess what [[w:Battle of Antietam|this]] is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Francis Shaw''': Robert. Governor Andrew, you know my son, Robert. :'''Governor John Andrew''': ''[shakes Robert's hand]'' Yes, good to see you again, Robert. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Governor Andrew. :'''Francis Shaw''': ''[gestures to Douglass]'' Robert, have you met Frederick Douglass? :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Mr. Douglass. :'''Governor John Andrew''': I understand you were Antietam. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Yes. :'''Governor John Andrew''': A great and a terrible day. Well, I could use your help, Robert. :'''Francis Shaw''': The governor is proposing to raise a regiment of negro soldiers. :'''Governor John Andrew''': No, no, no, it was not just my idea. Mr. Douglass and some of us... :'''Frederick Douglass''': We will offer pride and dignity to those who have known only degradation. :'''Sarah Shaw''': Colored soldiers, Robert. Just think of it. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Wonderful. :'''Governor John Andrew''': I've submitted your name, Robert, to be commissioned colonel of the 54th Massachusetts Infantry. :'''Captain Robert G. Shaw''': Thank you, governor, that's...It's a wonderful idea. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': Wait, no. That's my space, nigger. I sleep better close by the door. :'''Thomas Searles''': Well, if you don't mind, I'd prefer a space where there's more sufficient reading light. :'''Trip''': Oh, I like it when niggers talk good as white folk! :'''Thomas Searles''': I'd be happy to teach you. It would be my pleasure. :'''Trip''': Hey, listen here, snowflake, I ain't got nothin' to learn from no house nigger, you hear? :'''Thomas Searles''': I am a free man, as was my father before me. :'''Trip''': Oh, you free, huh? Then move your free black ass out my space, before I have to bust it up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Seasoned veteran Sergeant Major Mulcahy is attempting to teach the 54th to march in formation]'' :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': For God's sake, man! Do you not know your right from your left? :'''Jupiter Sharts''': ''[stammers]'' N-No, sir. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': How many here do not know right from left? ''[several men raise their hands]'' Jesus, have pity. ''[slaps Sharts on the chest]'' ''This'' is your front! ''[slaps him on the back]'' ''This'' is your rear! ''[stomps on Sharts' right foot]'' ''This'' is your right! And ''this''- ''[Sharts raises his left foot as Mulcahy is about to stomp on it]'' Now you're learning, boy-o. Company! Forward, march! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Sergeant Major! :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Sir! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': At ease, Sergeant. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I have no doubt you are a fair man, Mulcahy. I wonder if you are treating these men too hard. ''[Mulcahy hesitates to speak.]'' You disagree. You may speak freely. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': ''[referring to Searles]'' The boy's your friend, is he? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': We grew up together, yes. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Let him grow up some more. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You're a good shot, private. :'''Jupiter Sharts''': Thank you, sir. Squirrel hunting. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You ever killed a man? :'''Jupiter Sharts''': No, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': But you're handy with a gun. :'''Jupiter Sharts''': Yes, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Reload. ''[Sharts slowly starts to reload his rifle]'' Faster. ''[Sharts continues reloading]'' Faster. ''Faster!'' ''[Sharts finishes loading, and fumbles for a fuse cap]'' Discharge your weapon. Discharge your weapon. Do it! ''[Sharts takes aim, and fires]'' Now do it again, only this time, I want it done quickly! ''[to the other men]'' A good man can fire three aimed shots in a minute. Major Forbes, give me your Colt revolver. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': What? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Your gun. Give it to me. ''[Forbes hands Shaw his pistol, and he turns back to Sharts who is still reloading his rifle]'' Faster. ''[Sharts takes aim and fires again]'' Reload. Quickly! Faster! ''[Shaw fires the pistol]'' Faster! Load. ''[fires]'' Faster! ''[fires]'' Do it! DO IT!! ''[fires]'' DO IT! ''[fires]'' DO IT! ''[fires]'' ''[Sharts fumbles with his weapon, and stares at Shaw, shaken. Shaw turns back to Major Forbes, and hands him back his pistol]'' Teach them...properly, Major. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Why do you treat the men this way, Robert? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': How should I treat them? :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Like men? And what about Thomas? Why are you so hard on him? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': He's not a very good soldier. I'm getting these men ready for battle. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Robert. They're already good as the 7th ever was. They march well, they're disciplined. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': No thanks to you. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': I beg your pardon? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You heard me. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Who do you think you are, acting the high-up colonel?! You seem to forget, I know you. And so does Thomas. ''[starts to walk off]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Forbes! If you don't believe in what we're doing here, maybe you shouldn't be part of it. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Part of what? Huh?! ''[imitating Mulcahy]'' "Left, right! Left, right! Little finger along the seams of yer trousers!" ''[normally]'' Marching is probably ''all'' they'll ever get to do, Robert. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It is my job...to get these men ready. And I will. They have risked their lives to be here, they have given up their freedom. I owe them as much as they have given. I owe them ''my'' freedom...my ''life'' if necessary. Maybe so do you, Cabot. I think you do. :''[Cabot bows mockingly and walks off]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sergeant Major Mulcahy is leading a Company of the 54th during a bayonet drill]'' :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Thrust! Develop! Guard! ''[walks past Jupiter Sharts]'' You're not a dancing school son, take his head off! Thrust! Develop! Guard! ''[walks to Thomas Searles]'' Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what have here? Bonny Prince Charlie and his little toy bayonet. Your not reading your books now. Go on, go on, get over here, get over here. Now stab me. :'''Thomas Searles''': What? :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': Stab. Me. ''[Searles half-heartedly prods with his bayonet. Mulcahey sweeps it aside disdainfully.]'' Stab, not tickle! Hit me! ''[Searles again lunges with the bayonet]'' Come on! You prissy little schoolgirl, you're the worst Soldier in this whole company, now hit me!''[Thomas lunges with his bayonet, Mulcahy deftly grabs his weapon and viciously knocks him to the ground with it.]'' No shame son, get up. ''[Searles lies on the ground crying]'' I said ''get up!'' :'''Trip''': Nigger forgot to duck, that's all. ''[a few other soldiers laugh]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[points at Trip]'' Sergeant, deal with that man. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': ''[walks over to Trip, whispers]'' Let me tell you a wee secret, son. The only thing you're to learn to do is to keep your mouth shut. ''[pushes Trip back]'' :'''John Rawlins''': ''[holds Trip back as he tries to lunge back at Mulcahy]'' Save it, son. Save it. :'''Sergeant Mulcahy''': First rank to the rear, back to work! :'''Thomas Searles''': ''[to Shaw, on the verge of tears]'' Robert, Robert. I'd like to speak to you for a moment in private, if I may. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Enlisted men wishing to speak to their commanding officer, must first get permission. You understand, private? :'''Thomas Searles''': ''[shedding tears, salutes]'' Yes, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Col. Shaw approaches Rawlins after having Trip horse-whipped for desertion]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Mr. Rawlins...this morning, I...it would be a great help if I could talk to you from time to time about the men. That's all. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''John Rawlins''': Shoes, sir. ''[Shaw turns around]'' The men need shoes, Colonel. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Yes, I've been after the quartermaster for some time. :'''John Rawlins''': No, sir. ''Now''. That boy ran off to find him some shoes, Colonel. He wants to fight. Same as the rest of us. More, even. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shaw enters the quartermaster's office while some of his soldiers guard the door]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Good afternoon, Colonel. Change your mind about that bottle I was talking about? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I want 600 pairs of shoes and 1200 pairs of socks...and anything else you've been holding out on us, you piece of rat filth. :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': I'd love to help you, Colonel, but we just don't have any. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Not for niggers, you don't! :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Not for anybody. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I see. Pity. I'll just look around to see if you haven't misplaced them, hmm? ''[starts smashing up the place, throwing items off shelves and onto the floor]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': HEY! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[over the noise]'' Where are they, you son of a bitch?! ''[throws items off another shelf]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Damn it, you can't-! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''Can't'' I?! I'm a ''colonel'', you nasty little cuss! You ''really'' think you can keep 700 Union soldiers without proper shoes because you think it's ''funny''?! Now, where would that power come from?! :''[Kendric stares in shock, then grabs for a wine bottle and glasses]'' :'''Quartermaster Kendric''': Look- settle down, uh- have a drink! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward Pierce''': Colonel Shaw. Edward Pierce, special assignment from ''Harper's Weekly''. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''Harper's Weekly''? :'''Edward Pierce''': Serving an entire nation. A million loyal readers want to know what happens when the men of the 54th see action. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': A million and one. Well, you'll want to see this. ''[gestures to Forbes]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Attention, company! ''[the men stand at attention]'' Rawlins, front and center. :'''John Rawlins''': ''[steps forward]'' Sir! :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Mr. Rawlins, this regiment was formed with the promise that only white officers would be commissioned to lead it. Nothing was mentioned, however, about noncommissioned officers. Therefore, in recognition of initiative taken not only for yourself, but on behalf of the entire regiment, you are hereby awarded the rank of Sergeant Major. ''[hands Rawlins sword and insignia]]'' Congratulations. ''[shakes Rawlins' hand]'' :'''John Rawlins''': ''[salutes]'' Thank you, sir. :'''Soldiers''': Hip, hip, hooray! Hooray! Hooray! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Congratulations. :'''John Rawlins''': I ain't sure I'm wanting this, Colonel. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I know exactly how you feel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The 54th has just entered the mostly deserted town of Darien]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': Town's clean, sir. Ain't no Rebs here, just some women. :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Well, all right. You here that, boys? Let's clear her out! :''[The soldiers start looting the town]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': What are you doing? :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Liberating this town in the name of the Republic. :'''Soldier''': The musket, master Colonel. Never shoot it. Shoot now? :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Yeah, I don't see why not. Go ahead. :'''Soldier''': Shoot the lady, boys! ''[shoots at figurehead on hotel]'' :'''Man''': ''[runs out]'' Don't shoot! We ain't Secesh here! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': That man is a civilian! :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': That man is Secesh, and Secesh is all the same, son. ''[the soldiers fire at the man, who runs off]'' Look around you, look at 'em. You really think anybody's gonna put some boys into some real combat? ''Do'' you? I mean, they're little children for God's sake. Little monkey children. You just gotta learn how to control them. :''[A scream is heard, Shaw and Montgomery look over to see a soldier fighting with an evil racist white woman and her suffering black slave over some silverware he is righteously trying to liberate from these oppressive slavemasters]'' You see what I mean? Children. :'''Evil Racist White Woman''': ''[Demonstrates her impertinence and hits the soldier]'' Animal! Leave her alone! ''[the righteous soldier grabs and starts choking her, doing the world a favor by ridding it of this evil racist hag]'' :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Hey, boy! Take your hands off the white lady. ''[the soldier ignores him, Montgomery pulls out his pistol and shoots the man dead]'' Now that would not have been necessary if that Secesh woman hadn't started it (EXACTLY! You go die, Rayciss Whitey!). They'll never learn. You see, Secesh has got to be swept away by the hand of God, like the Jews of old. And now I'll have to burn this town. :'''Evil Racist White Woman''': [Impotently screeching like a banshee at the fact she no longer has control over the black man] Nigger soldiers! NIGGER SOLDIERS! :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Tell your men to set torches and prepare to fire the buildings. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I will not. :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': That is an order. You will do it, or you will be brought up on charges for disobeying your superior officer. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It is an immoral order, and by articles of war, I am not bound to obey it. :'''Colonel James M. Montgomery''': Well, you can just explain that at your court-martial. After your men are placed under my command. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[long pause, to his men]'' First squad, second platoon. Fall out to set torches. Prepare to fire the town. :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': First squad, second platoon! Fall out! :''[The soldiers proceed to set fire to the buildings]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': ''[to a group of Union soldiers marching up the road]'' Look like we goin' the wrong way. Hey. Hey, come on now, buck up boys! Hey, buck up now, come on! Be someday they gonna let the 54th get into it, see! And all your troubles would be over. Come on now, cheer up! :'''10th Connecticut Corporal''': ''[stops to face Trip]'' What'd you say, boy? :'''Trip''': Boy? Hey, let me tell you... :'''Thomas Searles''': Shut up, Trip. :'''Trip''': ''[to Searles]'' Would you get up off me, snowflake? ''[to the 10th Connecticut Corporal]'' See, let me explain something to you. See, the way I figure, I figure this war would be over a whole lot sooner if you boys just turned right on around and headed back on down that way, and you let us head on up there where the real fighting is. :'''Union Soldier''': There are men dyin' up that road. :'''Trip''': And there wouldn't be nothing but Rebs dyin' if they'd let the 54th in it. :'''Union Solder''': Listen- :''[Men of both regiments argue and begin fighting]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': Hold it! As you were, Trip! As you were! ''[to the Connecticut soldiers]'' You men move on. :'''10th Connecticut Corporal''': ''[scoffing as he notices Rawlins' rank]'' Stripes on a nigger. That's like tits on a bull! :''[The other Union soldiers laugh]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': You're lookin' at a higher rank, Corporal. You'll obey and you'll like it. :'''10th Connecticut Corporal''': Make me. :'''Trip''': I'll make you! :''[The 10th Connecticut soldiers push forward again and the fight resumes]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': ''[arriving on his horse]'' WHAT THE ''HELL'' IS GOING ON HERE?! :''[The fighting immediately stops]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': Attention! :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': ''[pointing at the 10th Connecticut Corporal]'' You! Yes, ''you''! What's your name? I'm putting you up on charges! :''[The Corporal freezes in fear, unable to speak]'' :'''Sgt. Maj. Rawlins''': There ain't no cause for that, sir. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': What's that, Sergeant? :'''Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins''': It's just a soldiers' fight, sir. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': All right. You men move along. ''[pause]'' MOVE IT! :''[The 54th resumes its work and the 10th Connecticut continues marching; the Corporal looks at Rawlins briefly, then rejoins his unit]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': Yeah, button up that collar. Suck in that gut. Tuck in them big black lips. Lighten your skin, shrink up that nose. :'''Thomas Searles''': I don't have to listen to this. ''[stands up to leave]'' :'''Trip''': ''[blocks his way]'' Where you goin', boy? :'''Thomas Searles''': Let me by. :'''Trip''': Let you by? Let you by. Let me tell you something boy. You can march like the white man. You can talk like him. You can learn his songs. You can even wear his suits. But you ain't ''never'' gonna be nothing to him but an ugly ass ''chimp'' in a blue suit. Oh, you don't like that, do you? :'''Thomas Searles''': No. :'''Trip''': Well, what we gonna do about it? Want to fight me, boy? Huh? What you gonna do about it? You want to fight me, don't you? Don't you? Come on, nig. :''[Trip and Searles are about to fight]'' :'''John Rawlins''': ''[stepping in]'' All right! All right! :'''Trip''': Hey, get your hands off me, gravedigger! :'''John Rawlins''': Goddamn it! Does the whole world gotta stomp on your face? :'''Trip''': Nigger, you better get your hands off me! :'''John Rawlins''': Ain't no niggers around here, you hear me? :'''Trip''': Oh, I see. So the white man give you a couple of stripes, next thing you hollerin' and orderin' everybody around, like you the massa hisself! Nigger, you ain't nothin' but the white man's dog! Shit. :'''John Rawlins''': ''[slaps Trip in the face]'' And what are you? So full of hate you just want to go out and fight everybody because you've been whipped and chased by hounds. Well, that might not be living, but it sure as hell ain't dying. And dying's what these white boys been doin' for going on three years now, dying by the thousands! Dying for ''you'', fool! I know, 'cuz I dug the graves. And all the time I'm diggin', I'm askin' myself, "When? When, O Lord, is it gonna be our time?" Well, time's comin' when we're gonna hafta ante up. Ante up and kick in like men. '''''LIKE MEN!''''' You watch who you callin' ''nigger''. There's any niggers round here, it's YOU! Smart-mouthed, stupid-ass, swamp-runnin' nigger. If you ain't careful, that's all you ever gonna be. <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Charles Harker''': Ah, Shaw. Sit down. ''[Shaw remains standing]'' Well, Colonel, what can I do for you? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You can give me and my regiment a transfer to combat command. :'''General Charles Harker''': Couldn't do it, Colonel. You're much too valuable to my operations here. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[after a long pause]'' May I sit? ''[Harker motions for Shaw to sit.]'' Thank you. ''[to Major Forbes]'' Major. ''[Shaw and Forbes both sit down]'' I've written a letter to my father, asking him to press Governor Andrew and President Lincoln. But I don't have to wait for all that, do I? :'''General Charles Harker''': ''[to Colonel Montgomery]'' Colonel Montgomery, would you bring that ashtray over here? :''[Colonel Montgomery stops playing the harpsichord and walks over to the desk with an ashtray. General Harker lights a cigar]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': But valuable to your operations here, do you say? Your foraging, your depredations? Yes, I've become quite a student of your operations in this region. Thirty-four mansions, I think it was, pillaged and burned under Colonel Montgomery's expedition of the Combahee. Four thousand bales of cotton smuggled through the lines with payment to parties unknown, except by you. False quartermaster requisitions. Major Forbes here has seen the copies. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Yes, indeed. Along with confiscated valuables shipped north as personal baggage. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Shall I go on? :'''General Charles Harker''': Can you? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I can report you to the War Department. Oh, yes. I can do that. :''[General Harker considers the threat, weighing it against Shaw's demand]'' :'''General Charles Harker''': ''[stands]'' Let you take your regiment out to fight. That's what you want, isn't it? Show what they can do. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': When? :'''General Charles Harker''': ''[chuckles]'' You are bright-eyed, aren't you? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': When? :'''General Charles Harker''': Just as soon as I can write the orders. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the battle of Grimball's Landing, Shaw is walking amongst the dead and wounded, and comes across Thomas Searles, who has been shot]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Thomas! :'''Thomas Searles''': How do, Colonel? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Hurts, doesn't it? ''[Searles nods]'' Well, I'm extremely jealous. You'll be back in Boston before me, stting by the fire, reading Hawthorne, decent cup of coffee. :'''Thomas Searles''': I'm not going back. :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': Thomas, listen to me. You're shot. You have to go back. :'''Thomas Searles''': Robert, promise me that you won't send me back. Promise me! :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': All right. All right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Trip, isn't it? :'''Trip''': Yes, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': You fought very well yesterday, Trip. Sergeant Rawlins has recommended that you receive a commendation. :'''Trip''': Yes, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Yes, and I think you should bear the regimental colors. :'''Trip''': Well... :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It's considered quite an honor. Why not? :'''Trip''': Well, I'm...wanting to say somethin', sir, but I... :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Go ahead. :'''Trip''': All right. See, um...I ain't fightin' this war for you, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I see. :'''Trip''': I mean, what's the point? Ain't nobody gonna win. It's just gonna go on and on. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Can't go on forever. :'''Trip''': Yeah, but ain't nobody gonna win, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Somebody's gonna win. :'''Trip''': Who? I mean, you get to go on back to Boston, big house and all that. What about us? What do we get? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Well, you won't get anything if we lose. What do you want to do? :'''Trip''': I don't know, sir. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': It stinks, I suppose. :'''Trip''': Yeah, it stinks bad. And we all covered up in it. I mean, ain't nobody clean. Be nice to get clean though. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': How do we do that? :'''Trip''': We ante up and kick in, sir. But I still don't want to carry your flag. <hr width="50%"/> :'''General George Strong''': ''[addressing his officers]'' No one will ever take Charleston without first silencing the forts which protect its harbor. And the first one that must be taken is that: Fort Wagner. ''[points to Fort Wagner in the distance]'' Wagner mounts a 10-inch Columbiad, three smoothbore 32-pounders, a 42-pound carronade, a 10-inch coast mortar, and four 12-pound howitzers, plus a garrison of about a thousand men. As many of you gentlemen may be aware, over the last four days, our Navy has weakened Wagner with a constant barrage. Headquarters has determined a time for our attack. We will proceed with a direct frontal assault tomorrow at dusk. The problem, gentlemen, is the approach. The ocean and the marsh leave only a narrow strip of sand, a natural defile through which we can only send one regiment at a time. Now our best hope is that leading regiment can keep the Rebs occupied long enough for reinforcements to exploit the breach. Needless to say, casualties in the leading regiment may be extreme. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': General Strong. The 54th Massachusetts requests the honor of leading the attack on Fort Wagner. :'''General George Strong''': It's Colonel Shaw, isn't it? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Yes, sir. :'''General George Strong''': You and your men haven't slept in two days. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': That's right sir. :'''General George Strong''': You think they have the strength to lead this charge? :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': There's more to fighting than rest, sir. There's character. There's strength of heart. You should have seen us in action two days ago. We were a sight to see! We'll be ready, sir. When do you want us? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Regiment is assembled for the attack on Fort Wagner]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Ought to be quite a show, Pierce. :'''Edward Pierce''': Best seat in the house. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I was wondering if you might do something for me. ''[hands Pierce letters]'' I have some letters here. Personal things. :'''Edward Pierce''': Certainly, Colonel. :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': Also, if I should fall... remember what you see here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[points to the color-bearer]'' If this man should fall, who will lift the flag and carry on? :'''Thomas Searles''': ''[steps forward]'' I will. :'''Soldiers''': Huzzah! Huzzah! '''Huzzah!!''' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': I'll see you in the fort, Thomas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Colonel Robert G. Shaw''': ''[last words]'' Come on, Fifty-fourth! ''[but is shot]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': ROBERT! :''[Shaw struggles forward, but is shot two more times and falls dead]'' :'''Trip''': ''[gets up and take the flag from the dead Shaw]'' COME ON! ''[begins to carry the flag forward, but is shot and killed]'' :''[Trip's courageous call increases the morale of all Union troops in the battle]'' :'''Major Cabot Forbes''': CHARGE! :''[All men charge uphill toward the Fort]'' == Cast == * [[Matthew Broderick]] - Col. Robert Gould Shaw * [[w:Denzel Washington|Denzel Washington]] - Pvt. Trip * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] - Maj. Cabot Forbes * [[Morgan Freeman]] - Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins * [[w:Jihmi Kennedy|Jihmi Kennedy]] - Pvt. Jupiter Sharts * [[w:Andre Braugher|Andre Braugher]] - Cpl. Thomas Searles * [[w:John Finn|John Finn]] - Sgt. Maj. Mulcahy * [[w:Donovan Leitch|Donovan Leitch]] - Capt. Charles Morse * [[w:JD Cullum|JD Cullum]] - Henry Sturgis Russell * [[w:Alan North|Alan North]] - Gov. John Andrew * [[w:Bob Gunton|Bob Gunton]] - Gen. Harker * [[w:Cliff De Young|Cliff De Young]] - Col. James M. Montgomery * [[w:Richard Riehle|Richard Riehle]] - Kendric, quartermaster * [[w:Raymond St. Jacques|Raymond St. Jacques]] - Frederick Douglass == Quotes about ''Glory'' == * [[w:Military history of African Americans|Black men have fought and died in every conflict this nation was involved in]], from the [[American Revolution|Revolutionary War]] onward . . . . We are Americans, and [[w:United States Colored Troops|we fought and died]] to be Americans. ** [[w:Morgan Freeman|Morgan Freeman]], who was honored as the Runner-up for the [[w:1989 Los Angeles Film Critics Association Awards|1989 "Los Angeles Film Critics Association Award for Best Actor"]] in part for his portrayal of Sergeant Major John Rawlins in ''Glory''. The quote is from an article in ''The New York Times'' entitled [https://www.nytimes.com/1989/03/26/arts/glory-resurrects-its-black-heroes.html "'Glory' Resurrects Its Black Heroes"] written by Glenn Collins. (March 26, 1989) == External links == {{wikipedia|Glory (1989 film)}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=glory|title=Glory}} *{{imdb title|0097441|title=Glory}} [[Category:1989 films]] [[Category:American Civil War films]] [[Category:1980s American films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Films based on true stories]] [[Category:Films about racism]] [[Category:Films about slavery]] [[Category:Films set in the 1860s]] [[Category:Films set in South Carolina]] [[Category:Films set in Georgia (state)]] [[Category:Films set in Massachusetts]] de0z0pg2sw3i2jpubqxn3efeyhi0k29 0 25442 3955251 3954872 2026-06-22T07:23:33Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Cast */ 3955251 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Girl Next Door (2004 film)|The Girl Next Door]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004 film]] that stars [[w:Emile Hirsch|Emile Hirsch]] and [[w:Elisha Cuthbert|Elisha Cuthbert]]. This movie is about an ambitious high school senior, Matthew Kidman (Hirsch), who dreams of a career in politics. He is overjoyed to discover that his new neighbor, 19-year-old Danielle (Cuthbert), is absolutely beautiful, and they fall head over heels in love. :''Directed by Luke Greenfield. Written by [[w:David Wagner|David Wagner]], Brent Goldberg, and [[w:Stuart Blumberg|Stuart Blumberg]] {{center|'''Matt never saw her coming... but all his friends had!''' ([[#Taglines|Taglines]])}} ==Matthew Kidman== * ''(while giving Danielle a crumpled paper)'' I just want you to know that I know who you really are, and you’re better than this. ''(Danielle uncrumples the paper and it is the drawing she made of the girl with lipstick at the table with Matthew)'' * ''(after Kelly gives him ectasy)'' Oh my God, am I gonna die?!? * Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It’s funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically ''(mumbling)'' being a fucking boy scout. But lately I’ve been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber’s about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your future, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn’t so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That’s what moral fiber’s all about. * Matthew Kidman. I will always remember… The three legs of the tripod. My business partner. My student advisor. The next Einstein. Eli’s calling card. Klitz’s big debut. My own scholarship to Georgetown. And of course, I’ll never forget the girl next door. As for me, I’m just going with it. ==Danielle== * ''(repeated line)'' What’s the craziest thing you’ve done lately? * Just go with it. * Hi, I’m all wet. Can I come in? ==Eli== * Fine! Goddammit Matt! I swear to God if you don’t fuck her, I’ll kill myself! Matt! Please! Please! Matt! FUCK HER FOR ME! FOR ME! * God, I just wanna bang hot chicks! * I just gotta fuck something. * Minions! ==Kelly== * ''(When some high school girls like the idea that Kelly has weed)'' Hey, you know who’s got the killer bud? ''(hits Klitz)'' This fucker right here. ''(Kelly gives Klitz a Ziplock bag filled with Marijuana and suddenly the girls are interested in him)'' * You wanna be president? Lemme tell you the first rule of politics; Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze. You know what that means? It means you don’t steal my girl unless you’re ready to accept the consequences. *''(Upon observing the cheerleaders and football players)'' Man, there is some talent here. You get those girls together with those assbags right there and shoot ‘em humping at, like, a football game or at a prom, that video would sell - Fuck, I’m good! How do I get these ideas? It’s like a gift, you know? It’s like I can’t control it. ==Other== * '''Hugo Posh’s Parrot''': ''(whistles)'' Cradle the balls! * '''April''': ''(to Klitz)'' I know this isn’t professional, but I think you're really cute. ==Dialogue== :'''Eli''': Okay, you know what the three of us are? We’re a tripod. :'''Klitz''': A tripod? :'''Eli''': Yes, a tripod. Which means that if you knock out one of our legs, WE-ALL-FALL! ---- ''(repeated line)'' :'''Matthew''': It’s not funny. :'''Danielle''': It’s a little funny. ---- ''(during watching porn movie)'' :'''Klitz''': - Dude, I’m kind of uncomfortable watching this with you. :'''Eli''': Shh… Dude, learn to like it. ---- :'''Mr. Peterson''': ''(while both receiving lap dances)'' So, what was the scholarship for? :'''Matthew''': Moral fiber. ---- :'''Eli''': Dude, don’t mess this up. :'''Matthew''': Mess what up? :'''Eli''': Matt, she’s a porn star! Okay? Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast! :'''Matthew''': Eli, I like this girl. :'''Eli''': And you can still like her with your penis inside her. Matthew, I tell you that you’re going to regret this. What would JFK do? You know he’d tap that ass. :'''Matthew''': Eli, you’re never going to see her again. :'''Eli''': Oh, you know what? Fine! :'''Matthew''': Fine! :'''Eli''': Fine! Goddammit Matt! I swear to God if you don’t fuck her, I’ll kill myself! Matt! Please! Please! Matt! Fuck her for me! For me! ---- :'''Matthew''': Why are you doing this? :'''Danielle''': What? :'''Matthew''': This. :'''Danielle''': Isn’t that what you want? To fuck a porn star in a cheap motel room? So this is what you really think of me. :'''Matthew''': Danielle, wait. I’m sorry. :'''Danielle''': Let me guess. Someone showed you a tape, and you thought, “What the hell. She does it for a living right?” :'''Matthew''': Eli told me to do it. :'''Danielle''': Oh, now that’s a mature response. :'''Matthew''': Why didn’t you just tell me? :'''Danielle''': Because I didn’t want to, okay? Because I loved the way you looked at me… God, do you have an idea how… forget it. ''(walks away)'' :'''Matthew''': Hold on… :'''Danielle''': ''(shouts)'' Fuck you. ---- :'''Eli''': Dude! :'''Matthew''': I know. :'''Klitz''': Dude! :'''Matthew''': I know. ---- :'''Kelly''': Sometimes in life if you wanna do something good, you gotta do something bad. :'''Matthew''': Yeah, but this is breaking and entering. :'''Kelly''': This is politics. ---- :'''Mrs. Kidman''': ''(referring to Eli & Klitz’s porn star dates)'' Eli, do those girls go to your school? :'''Eli''': Actually, no, Mrs. Kidman, they’re porn stars. :''(Mrs. Kidman laughs dismisingly)'' ---- :'''Ferrari''': I know I lost my virginity at prom. How about you? When did you lose your virginity? :'''April''': When I was ten. :'''Ferrari''': Okay, moving on… ---- :'''Danielle''': Thank you. :'''Matthew''': For what? :'''Danielle''': I never went to prom. ---- :'''Film School Student''': Why’d you decide to skip film school? Don’t you think you’re a little young? :'''Eli''': SHUT THE FUCK UP! Next question. ==Taglines== *Matt never saw her coming... but all his friends had! ==Cast== *[[w:Emile Hirsch|Emile Hirsch]] as Matthew Kidman *[[w:Elisha Cuthbert|Elisha Cuthbert]] as Danielle/Athena *[[w:Timothy Olyphant|Timothy Olyphant]] as Kelly *[[w:James Remar|James Remar]] as Hugo Posh *[[w:Chris Marquette|Chris Marquette]] as Eli *[[w:Paul Dano|Paul Dano]] as Klitz *[[w:Timothy Bottoms|Timothy Bottoms]] as Mr. Kidman *Donna Bullock as Mrs. Kidman *[[w:Nicholas Downs|Nicholas Downs]] as Bob *[[w:Sung Hi Lee|Sung Hi Lee]] as Ferrari *[[w:Amanda Swisten|Amanda Swisten]] as April ==External links== {{wikipedia|The Girl Next Door (2004 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0265208|title=The Girl Next Door}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1130343-girl_next_door|title=The Girl Next Door}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Girl Next Door, The}} [[Category:2004 films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:American romantic comedy films]] [[Category:Teen comedy films]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] [[Category:High school films]] [[Category:Films set in California]] [[Category:Films about pornography]] e8z54desy1shtjxy8d72v4sol68ar0d 3955256 3955251 2026-06-22T07:28:54Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Taglines */ 3955256 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Girl Next Door (2004 film)|The Girl Next Door]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004 film]] that stars [[w:Emile Hirsch|Emile Hirsch]] and [[w:Elisha Cuthbert|Elisha Cuthbert]]. This movie is about an ambitious high school senior, Matthew Kidman (Hirsch), who dreams of a career in politics. He is overjoyed to discover that his new neighbor, 19-year-old Danielle (Cuthbert), is absolutely beautiful, and they fall head over heels in love. :''Directed by Luke Greenfield. Written by [[w:David Wagner|David Wagner]], Brent Goldberg, and [[w:Stuart Blumberg|Stuart Blumberg]] {{center|'''Matt never saw her coming... but all his friends had!''' ([[#Taglines|Taglines]])}} ==Matthew Kidman== * ''(while giving Danielle a crumpled paper)'' I just want you to know that I know who you really are, and you’re better than this. ''(Danielle uncrumples the paper and it is the drawing she made of the girl with lipstick at the table with Matthew)'' * ''(after Kelly gives him ectasy)'' Oh my God, am I gonna die?!? * Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It’s funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically ''(mumbling)'' being a fucking boy scout. But lately I’ve been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber’s about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your future, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn’t so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That’s what moral fiber’s all about. * Matthew Kidman. I will always remember… The three legs of the tripod. My business partner. My student advisor. The next Einstein. Eli’s calling card. Klitz’s big debut. My own scholarship to Georgetown. And of course, I’ll never forget the girl next door. As for me, I’m just going with it. ==Danielle== * ''(repeated line)'' What’s the craziest thing you’ve done lately? * Just go with it. * Hi, I’m all wet. Can I come in? ==Eli== * Fine! Goddammit Matt! I swear to God if you don’t fuck her, I’ll kill myself! Matt! Please! Please! Matt! FUCK HER FOR ME! FOR ME! * God, I just wanna bang hot chicks! * I just gotta fuck something. * Minions! ==Kelly== * ''(When some high school girls like the idea that Kelly has weed)'' Hey, you know who’s got the killer bud? ''(hits Klitz)'' This fucker right here. ''(Kelly gives Klitz a Ziplock bag filled with Marijuana and suddenly the girls are interested in him)'' * You wanna be president? Lemme tell you the first rule of politics; Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze. You know what that means? It means you don’t steal my girl unless you’re ready to accept the consequences. *''(Upon observing the cheerleaders and football players)'' Man, there is some talent here. You get those girls together with those assbags right there and shoot ‘em humping at, like, a football game or at a prom, that video would sell - Fuck, I’m good! How do I get these ideas? It’s like a gift, you know? It’s like I can’t control it. ==Other== * '''Hugo Posh’s Parrot''': ''(whistles)'' Cradle the balls! * '''April''': ''(to Klitz)'' I know this isn’t professional, but I think you're really cute. ==Dialogue== :'''Eli''': Okay, you know what the three of us are? We’re a tripod. :'''Klitz''': A tripod? :'''Eli''': Yes, a tripod. Which means that if you knock out one of our legs, WE-ALL-FALL! ---- ''(repeated line)'' :'''Matthew''': It’s not funny. :'''Danielle''': It’s a little funny. ---- ''(during watching porn movie)'' :'''Klitz''': - Dude, I’m kind of uncomfortable watching this with you. :'''Eli''': Shh… Dude, learn to like it. ---- :'''Mr. Peterson''': ''(while both receiving lap dances)'' So, what was the scholarship for? :'''Matthew''': Moral fiber. ---- :'''Eli''': Dude, don’t mess this up. :'''Matthew''': Mess what up? :'''Eli''': Matt, she’s a porn star! Okay? Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast! :'''Matthew''': Eli, I like this girl. :'''Eli''': And you can still like her with your penis inside her. Matthew, I tell you that you’re going to regret this. What would JFK do? You know he’d tap that ass. :'''Matthew''': Eli, you’re never going to see her again. :'''Eli''': Oh, you know what? Fine! :'''Matthew''': Fine! :'''Eli''': Fine! Goddammit Matt! I swear to God if you don’t fuck her, I’ll kill myself! Matt! Please! Please! Matt! Fuck her for me! For me! ---- :'''Matthew''': Why are you doing this? :'''Danielle''': What? :'''Matthew''': This. :'''Danielle''': Isn’t that what you want? To fuck a porn star in a cheap motel room? So this is what you really think of me. :'''Matthew''': Danielle, wait. I’m sorry. :'''Danielle''': Let me guess. Someone showed you a tape, and you thought, “What the hell. She does it for a living right?” :'''Matthew''': Eli told me to do it. :'''Danielle''': Oh, now that’s a mature response. :'''Matthew''': Why didn’t you just tell me? :'''Danielle''': Because I didn’t want to, okay? Because I loved the way you looked at me… God, do you have an idea how… forget it. ''(walks away)'' :'''Matthew''': Hold on… :'''Danielle''': ''(shouts)'' Fuck you. ---- :'''Eli''': Dude! :'''Matthew''': I know. :'''Klitz''': Dude! :'''Matthew''': I know. ---- :'''Kelly''': Sometimes in life if you wanna do something good, you gotta do something bad. :'''Matthew''': Yeah, but this is breaking and entering. :'''Kelly''': This is politics. ---- :'''Mrs. Kidman''': ''(referring to Eli & Klitz’s porn star dates)'' Eli, do those girls go to your school? :'''Eli''': Actually, no, Mrs. Kidman, they’re porn stars. :''(Mrs. Kidman laughs dismisingly)'' ---- :'''Ferrari''': I know I lost my virginity at prom. How about you? When did you lose your virginity? :'''April''': When I was ten. :'''Ferrari''': Okay, moving on… ---- :'''Danielle''': Thank you. :'''Matthew''': For what? :'''Danielle''': I never went to prom. ---- :'''Film School Student''': Why’d you decide to skip film school? Don’t you think you’re a little young? :'''Eli''': SHUT THE FUCK UP! Next question. ==Taglines== *Matt never saw her coming… but all his friends had! ==Cast== *[[w:Emile Hirsch|Emile Hirsch]] as Matthew Kidman *[[w:Elisha Cuthbert|Elisha Cuthbert]] as Danielle/Athena *[[w:Timothy Olyphant|Timothy Olyphant]] as Kelly *[[w:James Remar|James Remar]] as Hugo Posh *[[w:Chris Marquette|Chris Marquette]] as Eli *[[w:Paul Dano|Paul Dano]] as Klitz *[[w:Timothy Bottoms|Timothy Bottoms]] as Mr. Kidman *Donna Bullock as Mrs. Kidman *[[w:Nicholas Downs|Nicholas Downs]] as Bob *[[w:Sung Hi Lee|Sung Hi Lee]] as Ferrari *[[w:Amanda Swisten|Amanda Swisten]] as April ==External links== {{wikipedia|The Girl Next Door (2004 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0265208|title=The Girl Next Door}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1130343-girl_next_door|title=The Girl Next Door}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Girl Next Door, The}} [[Category:2004 films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:American romantic comedy films]] [[Category:Teen comedy films]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] [[Category:High school films]] [[Category:Films set in California]] [[Category:Films about pornography]] qxj520x7kmkarui04km91utles3yz0e 0 27326 3955142 3767398 2026-06-21T20:39:55Z Kalki 71 3955142 wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="22" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color:#CFE5FF;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122); font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:June 22|June 22]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2004 : How wonderful that we have met with a paradox. Now we have some hope of making progress. ~ [[Niels Bohr]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2005 : The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient... Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach — waiting for a gift from the sea. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] (born 22 June 1906) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2006 : The intellectual is constantly betrayed by his vanity. Godlike he blandly assumes that he can express everything in words; whereas the things one loves, lives, and dies for are not, in the last analysis completely expressible in words. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2007 : Only in growth, reform, and change, paradoxically enough, is true security to be found. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:25, 21 June 2007 (UTC) --> ; 2008 : If we glance at the most important revolutions in history, we are at no loss to perceive that the greatest number of these originated in the periodical revolutions of the human mind. ~ [[Wilhelm von Humboldt]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:31, 20 June 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 22:41, 20 June 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : This earth is one of the rare spots in the cosmos where mind has flowered. Man is a product of nearly three billion years of evolution, in whose person the evolutionary process has at last become conscious of itself and its possibilities. Whether he likes it or not, he is responsible for the whole further evolution of our planet. ~ [[Julian Huxley]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:31, 20 June 2008 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4. * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 22:41, 20 June 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 22:28, 20 June 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2010 : In tradition and in books an integral part of the individual persists, for it can influence the minds and actions of other people in different places and at different times: a row of black marks on a page can move a man to tears, though the bones of him that wrote it are long ago crumbled to dust. In truth, the whole progress of civilization is based upon this power. ~ [[Julian Huxley]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:59, 21 June 2009 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:31, 20 June 2008 (UTC)</s> * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 22:41, 20 June 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2011 : That government is best which makes itself unnecessary. ~ [[Wilhelm von Humboldt]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 12:25, 18 June 2011 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:31, 20 June 2008 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 22:41, 20 June 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2012 {{quote of the day | quote = ''We [[Sight|see]] what we are told that we see. <br /> Repetition and [[pride]] are the [[keys]] to this. <br /> To [[Hearing|hear]] and to see <br /> Even an obvious [[Lies|lie]] <br /> Again <br /> And again and again <br /> May be to say it, <br /> Almost by reflex <br /> Then to defend it <br /> Because we have said it <br /> And at last to embrace it <br /> Because we've defended it.'' | author = Octavia Butler }} :* proposed by [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 22:28, 20 June 2009 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:59, 21 June 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:07, 21 June 2009 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 02:33, 23 June 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote = One cannot collect all the [[beautiful]] shells on the beach. One can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few. | author = Anne Morrow Lindbergh }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:19, 20 Jun 2005 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:25, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 22:28, 20 June 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = I do not [[believe]] that sheer [[suffering]] teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the [[world]] would be [[wise]], since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added [[mourning]], [[understanding]], [[patience]], [[love]], openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable. [[All]] these and other factors combined, if the [[circumstances]] are right, ''can'' teach and ''can'' lead to [[rebirth]]. | author = Anne Morrow Lindbergh }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 06:40, 20 June 2014 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:25, 21 June 2007 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:25, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) * 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 17:04, 19 June 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = The [[entire]] [[cosmos]] is made out of one and the same [[world]]-stuff, operated by the same [[energy]] as we ourselves. "[[Mind]]" and "matter" appears as two aspects of our [[unitary]] mind-bodies. There is no separate [[supernatural]] realm: [[all]] [[phenomena]] are part of one [[natural]] process of [[evolution]]. There is no basic cleavage between [[science]] and [[religion]]; they are both organs of evolving [[humanity]]. | author = Julian Huxley }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:43, 21 June 2015 (UTC) --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The [[true]] [[end]] of [[Humanity|Man]], or that which is prescribed by the [[eternal]] and immutable dictates of [[reason]], and not suggested by [[vague]] and transient [[desires]], is the highest and most [[harmonious]] development of his [[powers]] to a [[complete]] and consistent [[whole]]. | author = Wilhelm von Humboldt }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:18, 21 June 2016 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:31, 20 June 2008 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 22:41, 20 June 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I find I am shedding [[hypocrisy]] in [[human]] [[relationships]]. What a rest that will be! The most exhausting thing in [[life]], I have discovered, is being insincere. That is why so much of [[social]] life is exhausting; one is wearing a [[mask]]. I have shed my mask. | author = Anne Morrow Lindbergh }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] (born 22 June 1906) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:52, 21 June 2017 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:19, 20 Jun 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> but would now extend this to read: :: I find I am shedding hypocrisy in human relationships. What a rest that will be! The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere. That is why so much of social life is exhausting; one is wearing a mask. I have shed my mask. * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:25, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) * 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 17:04, 19 June 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> ''One sole [[God]]; <br> One sole ruler, — his [[Law]]; <br> One sole interpreter of that law — [[Humanity]].'' | author = Giuseppe Mazzini }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 11:14, 21 June 2018 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 14:07, 2 April 2016 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Every [[mission]] constitutes a [[pledge]] of [[duty]]. Every man is bound to consecrate his every faculty to its fulfilment. He will derive his rule of [[action]] from the profound conviction of that duty. | author = Giuseppe Mazzini }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:40, 21 June 2019 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 14:07, 2 April 2016 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Art]] does not imitate, but interpret. It searches out the [[idea]] lying dormant in the [[symbol]], in order to present the symbol to men in such form as to enable them to penetrate through it to the idea. Were it otherwise, what would be the use or [[value]] of art? | author = Giuseppe Mazzini }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:00, 22 June 2020 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 14:07, 2 April 2016 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> ''[[Forgotten]] the [[strife]]; <br /> Now the [[need]] to kill <br /> Has [[died]] like [[fire]], <br /> And the need to [[love]] <br /> Has replaced [[desire]]'' | author = Anne Morrow Lindbergh }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 04:53, 22 June 2021 (UTC) --> ; 2022 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the [[evidence]] the committee will present. Don't be distracted by [[politics]]. This is serious. We cannot let [[America]] become a nation of [[conspiracy theories]] and thug [[violence]]. | author = Liz Cheney }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:35, 22 June 2022 (UTC) -->; recent remarks on major events. ; 2023 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Nature]] is for [[art]] the garb of the [[Eternal]]. The [[real]] is the finite expression and representation of the [[true]]; forms are the [[limits]] affixed by [[time]] and [[space]] to the [[power]] of [[life]]. Nature, reality, and form, should, all of them, be so rendered and expressed by art, as to [[reveal]] to mankind some ray of the truth — a vaster and profounder [[sentiment]] of life. | author = Giuseppe Mazzini }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:54, 21 June 2023 (UTC) --> ; 2024 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I’m really [[hoping]] that in some [[movie]] I’m doing, I [[die]] — but I die, me, Donald — and they’re able to use my [[funeral]] and the coffin … That would be absolutely [[ideal]]. I would love that. | author = Donald Sutherland }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:38, 21 June 2024 (UTC); in regard of his recent death. --> ; 2025 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Art ]]is no isolated, unconnected, or inexplicable phenomenon. It draws its [[life]] from the life of the [[universe]], and with the universe it ascends from epoch to epoch towards the Almighty. It owes its power over the [[souls]] of men to that collective life — even as the trees and plants draw their life from [[earth]], the common [[mother]]; and its power would be destroyed should it attempt to forsake its source. | author = Giuseppe Mazzini }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:54, 21 June 2025 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:54, 21 June 2023 (UTC) </s> --> ; 2026 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->The [[aim]] of those who try to [[control]] [[thought]] is always the same. They find one single [[explanation]] of the [[world]], one [[system]] of thought and [[action]] that will (they [[believe]]) cover everything; and then they try to [[impose]] that on all thinking [[people]]. | author = Gilbert Highet }} :* proposed by [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]]<!-- ** 3 [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 04:57, 19 June 2024 (UTC) ** 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:38, 21 June 2024 (UTC) --> ; 2027 : ''[[June 22|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' ---- <noinclude> {{QOTD Ranking}} ---- ---- == Suggestions == You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is 'never get involved in a land war in Asia,' but only slightly less well-known is this: 'Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!' - Vizzini, [[The Princess Bride]] : Rationale: On June 22, Nazi Germany began [[w:Operation Barbarossa]] -- got into a land war an Asia, a major turning point in WWII. * 3 [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] 00:12, 15 Jun 2005 (UTC) * 2. I love this quote, but my fellow Americans might question which nation's mistakes are being celebrated here, especially if followed in 4 days by the Malraux quote. [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 10:45, 20 Jun 2005 (UTC) * 2 One of my favorites from the movie, I remember laughing out loud at its perfect delivery, but I don't feel it makes a great QotD. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:19, 20 Jun 2005 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:25, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) ---- The US has broken the second rule of war. That is, don't go fighting with your land army on the mainland of Asia. Rule One is don't march on Moscow. I developed these two rules myself. ~ Field Marshall [[Bernard Law Montgomery]] as it seems a little more relevant to [[w:Operation Barbarossa]]. * Also I added it myself [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:53, 20 Jun 2005 (UTC) * 3 because this is true. Russia's winter is nature's powerful gift that helped win two wars, one against Napoleon and another against Hitler. I love this quote. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:25, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 22:10, 21 May 2024 (UTC) * 1 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:35, 19 June 2024 (UTC) — with a lean toward 0, because the context of the quote is on the action of the US in the Vietnamese War, any relevance of this quote to the date of Operation Barbarossa is actually extremely tenuous, secondary, confused and confusing. ---- God was a dream of good government. You will soon have your God, and you will make it with your own hands. ~ Morpheus (Deus Ex) (Rationale: the release date of Deus Ex) : {{unsigned|Deuxhero}} :Seconded. I loved how snooping around in that game could lead you to things that would make the game so much better. --[[User:Dandin1|Dandin1]] 01:39, 19 April 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:25, 21 June 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:25, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) ---- What we now need is a multitude of participants to take part in the great discussion and to join in the search for the larger truth and the more fruitful patterns of belief which we confidently believe is waiting to be elicited. ~ [[Julian Huxley]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:31, 20 June 2008 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4. * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 22:41, 20 June 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 07:34, 21 June 2008 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = [[Ideas]] [[grow]] quickly when watered with the blood of [[martyr]]s. | author = Giuseppe Mazzini }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 14:07, 2 April 2016 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 19:48, 21 June 2024 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = ''Rising above chain, fence, and tree, <br /> Free hymn of love; His horn <br /> Bursts from his tranquil brow <br /> Like a comet born; <br /> Cleaves like a galley's prow <br /> Into seas untorn; <br /> Springs like a lily, white <br /> From the Earth below; <br /> Spirals, a bird in flight <br /> To a longed-for height; <br /> Or a fountain bright, <br /> Spurting to light <br /> Of early morn — <br /> O luminous horn'' | author = Anne Morrow Lindbergh }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 04:53, 22 June 2021 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Art is not the fancy or caprice of an individual. It is the mighty voice of God and the universe, as heard by the chosen spirit, and repeated in tones of harmony to mankind.<!-- Should that omnipotent voice strike too directly upon the mortal ear, it would stun and suspend all human action, even as Pantheism crushed the ancient Oriental world. --> | author = Giuseppe Mazzini }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:54, 21 June 2023 (UTC) ---- * Nobody has ever thought himself to death. The chief danger confronting us is not age. It is laziness, sloth, routine, stupidity, — forcing their way in like wind through the shutters, seeping into the cellar like swamp water. ~ [[Gilbert Highet]] ** 3 [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 04:57, 19 June 2024 (UTC) ** 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:38, 21 June 2024 (UTC) ---- <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> 5zv1vjxnmnad9cbitzrkbe7v56idr2c 0 31159 3955183 3450423 2026-06-22T02:21:24Z IOHANNVSVERVS 2147914 /* Quotes about Max Beerbohm */ link 3955183 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Max Beerbohm 1901 retouched.jpg|thumb|I am a [[w:Tory|Tory]] [[Anarchist]]. I should like every one to go about doing just as he pleased — short of [[altering]] any of the things to which I have grown accustomed.]] '''[[w:Max Beerbohm|Sir Henry Maximilian Beerbohm]]''' ([[24 August]] [[1872]] – [[20 May]] [[1956]]) was an English writer and caricaturist. ==Quotes== * The [[w:Nonconformist conscience|Nonconformist Conscience]] makes cowards of us all. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=NA0HAQAAIAAJ&q=%22The+NonConformist+Conscience+makes+cowards+of+us+all%22&pg=PA250#v=onepage "A Note on George the Fourth,"] ''[[w:The Yellow Book|The Yellow Book]]'' (October 1894) ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=OvlGAAAAYAAJ&q=%22The+Nonconformist+Conscience+makes+cowards+of+us+all%22&pg=PA63#v=onepage "King George the Fourth,"] ''[[w:The Works of Max Beerbohm|The Works of Max Beerbohm]]'' (1896) * Most women are not so young as they are painted. ** ''A Defense of Cosmetics'' (1895) * To give an accurate and exhaustive account of that period would need a far less brilliant pen than mine. ** "1880" (1895) from ''The Works of Max Beerbohm'' (1896)[http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext99/twomb10.txt] * I was a modest, good-humoured boy. It is [[w:Oxford University|Oxford]] that has made me insufferable. ** ''More'', “Going Back to School” (1899) * The most perfect caricature is that which, on a small surface, with the simplest means, most accurately exaggerates, to the highest point, the peculiarities of a human being, at his most characteristic moment in the most beautiful manner. ** ''The Spirit of Caricature'' (1901) * As a teacher, as a propagandist, [[w:George Bernard Shaw|Shaw]] is no good at all, even in his own generation. But as a personality, he is immortal. ** ''Around Theatres'', “A Cursory Conspectus of G.B.S” (1924) * The past is a work of art, free of irrelevancies and loose ends. ** ''Comment'' * Lift latch, step in, be welcome, Sir,<br>Albeit to see you I’m unglad. ** ''A Luncheon'' * Only the insane take themselves quite seriously. ** Quoted in ''Max'' by [[w:Lord David Cecil|David Cecil]] (1964), ch. 2 * There is much virtue in a window. It is to a human being as a frame is to a painting, as a proscenium to a play, as 'form' to literature. It strongly defines its content. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=YZMhAAAAMAAJ&q=%22There+is+much+virtue+in+a+window+It+is+to+a+human+being+as+a+frame+is+to+a+painting+as+a+proscenium+to+a+play+as+form+to+literature+It+strongly+defines+its+content%22&pg=PA147#v=onepage "Fenestralia"], [[w:Mainly on the Air|Mainly on the Air]] (1946), [[w:The Atlantic|The Atlantic]] ([http://books.google.com/books?id=5KAGAQAAIAAJ&q=%22There+is+much+virtue+in+a+window+It+is+to+a+human+being+as+a+frame+is+to+a+painting+as+a+proscenium+to+a+play+as+form+to+literature+It+strongly+defines+its+content%22&pg=PA85#v=onepage April 1944]) === ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext99/zdbsn11.txt Zuleika Dobson]'' (1911) === * Zuleika, on a desert island, would have spent most of her time in looking for a man's footprint. ** Ch. II * She was a young person whose reveries never were in retrospect. For her past was no treasury of distinct memories, all hoarded and classified, some brighter than others and more highly valued. All memories were for her but as the motes in one fused radiance that followed her and made more luminous the pathway of her future. ** Ch. II * He was too much concerned with his own perfection ever to think of admiring any one else. ** Ch. III * For a young man, sleep is a sure solvent of distress. There whirls not for him in the night any so hideous phantasmagoria as will not become, in the clarity of the next morning, a spruce procession for him to lead. Brief the vague horror of his awakening; memory sweeps back to him, and he sees nothing dreadful after all. "Why not?" is the sun’s bright message to him, and "Why not indeed?" his answer.” ** Ch. IV * The dullard's envy of brilliant men is always assuaged by the suspicion that they will come to a bad end. ** Ch. IV * One has never known a good man to whom dogs were not dear; but many of the best women have no such fondness. You will find that the woman who is really kind to dogs is always one who has failed to inspire sympathy in men. For the attractive woman, dogs are mere dumb and restless brutes — possibly dangerous, certainly soulless. Yet will coquetry teach her to caress any dog in the presence of a man enslaved by her. ** Ch. VI * He heard that whenever a woman was to blame for a disappointment, the best way to avoid a scene was to inculpate oneself. ** Ch. VII * Oxford walls have a way of belittling us; and the Duke was loath to regard his doom as trivial. Aye, by all minerals we are mocked. Vegetables, yearly deciduous, are far more sympathetic. ** Ch. VII * Death cancels all engagements. ** Ch. VII * It is so much easier to covet what one hasn’t than to revel in what one has. Also, it is so much easier to be enthusiastic about what exists than about what doesn’t. ** Ch. VIII * She was one of those people who say "I don't know anything about music really, but I know what I like." ** Ch. IX * You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind-legs. But by standing a whole flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men. If man were not a gregarious animal, the world might have achieved, by this time, some real progress towards civilization. Segregate him, and he is no fool. But let him loose among his fellows, and he is lost —- he becomes a unit in unreason. ** Ch. IX * A crowd, proportionately to its size, magnifies all that in its units pertains to the emotions, and diminishes all that in them pertains to thought. ** Ch. IX * Of all the objects of hatred, a woman once loved is the most hateful. ** Ch. XIII * Just as "pluck" comes of breeding, so is endurance especially an attribute of the artist. Because he can stand outside himself, and (if there be nothing ignoble in them) take pleasure in his own sufferings, the artist has a huge advantage over you and me. ** Ch. XV * The Socratic manner is not a game at which two can play. ** Ch. XV * Everywhere he found his precept checkmated by his example. ** Ch. XV * All fantasy should have a solid base in reality. ** Note to the 1946 edition === ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext99/evnow10.txt And Even Now]'' (1920) === * I have known no man of genius who had not to pay, in some affliction or defect either physical or spiritual, for what the gods had given him. ** ''No. 2, The Pines'' (1914) * No fine work can be done without concentration and self-sacrifice and toil and doubt. ** ''Books Within Books'' (1914) * In every human being one or the other of these two instincts is predominant: the active or positive instinct to offer hospitality, the negative or passive instinct to accept it. And either of these instincts is so significant of character that one might as well say that mankind is divisible into two great classes: hosts and guests. ** ''Hosts and Guests'' (1918), [[w:Harper's Magazine|Harper's Monthly]] ([http://books.google.com/books?id=H2Q2AQAAMAAJ&q=%22Mankind+is+divisible+into+two+great+classes+hosts+and+guests%22&pg=PA425#v=onepage August 1919]) * I am a Tory Anarchist. I should like every one to go about doing just as he pleased — short of altering any of the things to which I have grown accustomed. ** ''Servants'' (1918) * Strange, when you come to think of it, that of all the countless folk who have lived before our time on this planet not one is known in history or in legend as having died of laughter. ** ''Laughter'' (1920) * It seems to be a law of nature that no man, unless he has some obvious physical deformity, ever is loth to sit for his portrait. ** ''Quia Imperfectum'' (1920) * '''To say that a man is vain means merely that he is pleased with the effect he produces on other people. A conceited man is satisfied with the effect he produces on himself.''' ** ''Quia Imperfectum'' * Men of genius are not quick judges of character. Deep thinking and high imagining blunt that trivial instinct by which you and I size people up. ** ''Quia Imperfectum'' == Quotes about Max Beerbohm == * How might one describe Max Beerbohm to someone who knows nothing about him? Well, for a start, one might imagine [[D.H. Lawrence]]. Picture the shagginess of Lawrence, his thick beard, his rough-cut clothes, his disdain for all the social and physical niceties. Recall his passionateness—his passion, so to say, for passion itself—his darkness, his gloom. Think back to his appeal to the primary instincts, his personal messianism, his refusal to deal with anything smaller than capital “D” Destiny. Do not neglect his humorlessness, his distaste for all that otherwise passed for being civilized, his blood theories and manifold roiling hatreds. Have you, then, D.H. Lawrence firmly in mind? Splendid. Now reverse all of Lawrence’s qualities and you will have a fair beginning notion of Max Beerbohm, who, after allowing that Lawrence was a man of “unquestionable genius,” felt it necessary to add, “he never realized, don’t you know—he never suspected that to be stark, staring mad is somewhat of a handicap to a writer.” ** [[w:Joseph Epstein (writer)|Joseph Epstein]], ''Max Beerbohm'' (September 1985) *After his very early days, when he gambolled with an ornate and consciously absurd vocabulary, he wrote supremely well. His essay on [[Venice]], originally an article in the ''Daily Mail'', is a model not only of imaginative observation but of variety of structure. It is, I believe, the best travel sketch ever written. **[[Evelyn Waugh]], 'The Max Behind The Mask', ''Atlas'' (January 1965), quoted in ''The Essays, Articles and Reviews of Evelyn Waugh'', ed. Donat Gallagher (1983), p. 631 *I felt, when I was listening to them, that I was listening to the voice of the last civilized man on earth. Max's broadcasts justify the entire invention of broadcasting. **[[Rebecca West]], quoted in S. N. Behrman, ''Portrait of Max: An Intimate Memoir of Sir Max Beerbohm'' (1960), p. 265 *But what did Mr. Beerbohm give to the [[essay]] and what did he take from it? That is a much more complicated question, for here we have an essayist who has concentrated on the work and is without doubt the prince of his profession. **[[Virginia Woolf]], 'The Modern Essay', ''The Common Reader'' (1925; 1929), p. 276 *If you knew how I had pored over many essays – how they fill me with marvel – how I can't conceive what it would be like to write as you do! – This is sober truth: – but I shan't attempt to say how much pleasure your letter gave me. **[[Virginia Woolf]] to Max Beerbohm (29 January 1928), quoted in ''Letters of Max Beerbohm 1892–1956'', ed. Rupert Hart-Davis (1989), p. 167 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Wikisource author}} {{commons category}} * {{gutenberg author| id=Max+Beerbohm | name=Max Beerbohm}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Beerbohm, Max}} [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:Critics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Essayists from England]] [[Category:Humorists]] [[Category:Short story writers from England]] [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:Cartoonists]] [[Category:Latin authors]] [[Category:1872 births]] [[Category:1956 deaths]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:Victorian novelists]] 3nyvyejc19jcnjfrxc14t6gx7772hv7 0 34258 3955143 3895068 2026-06-21T20:42:14Z Kalki 71 add image 3955143 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:NYPL TH-20868 Gilbert Highet cropped.jpg|thumb|The [[aim]] of those who try to [[control]] [[thought]] is always the same. They find one single [[explanation]] of the [[world]], one [[system]] of thought and [[action]] that will (they [[believe]]) cover everything; and then they try to [[impose]] that on all thinking [[people]].]] '''[[w:Gilbert Highet|Gilbert Arthur Highet]]''' (June 22, 1906 – January 20, 1978) was a Scottish-American classicist, academic, writer, intellectual, critic and literary historian. ==Quotes== *[[Rome]] grew powerful through her military and political genius; and then, from [[Ancient Greece|Greece]], she learnt to live the life of the mind. We have grown powerful through our scientific and industrial genius. The only way in which we can justify that power, use it for our own lasting benefit, and contribute something permanent to the development of the human race, is to understand and spread a system of noble spiritual ideals. Some of these we ourselves are working out. Many others we derive from [[Christianity]]. And many—in art and philosophy and literature—we have received from [[w:Greco-Roman world|Greco-Roman civilization]], as a priceless legacy. The real duty of man is not to extend his power or multiply his wealth beyond his needs, but to enrich and enjoy his only imperishable possession: his soul. **''The Classical Tradition: Greek and Roman Influences on Western Literature'' (1949), p. 549 * Do not try to make the brilliant pupil a replica of yourself. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=DogFAAAAMAAJ&q=%22Do+not+try+to+make+the+brilliant+pupil+a+replica+of+yourself%22&pg=PA50#v=onepage ''The Art of Teaching''] (1950), quoted in ''Max Perkins: Editor of Genius'' by A. Scott Berg; ''Chemical Engineering Education'', volume 27; ''High Points in the Work of the High Schools of New York City'', Volume 32 * History is a strange experience. The world is quite small now; but history is large and deep. Sometimes you can go much farther by sitting in your own home and reading a book of history, than by getting onto a ship or an airplane and traveling a thousand miles. When you go to Mexico City through space, you find it a sort of cross between modern Madrid and modern Chicago, with additions of its own; but if you go to Mexico City through history, back only 500 years, you will find it as distant as though it were on another planet: inhabited by cultivated barbarians, sensitive and cruel, highly organized and still in the Copper Age, a collection of startling, of unbelievable contrasts. ** ''Peoples, Places and Books'' (1953) [http://www.dim.uchile.cl/~anmoreir/varios/byzantium.html] * The aim of those who try to control thought is always the same. They find one single explanation of the world, one system of thought and action that will (they believe) cover everything; and then they try to impose that on all thinking people. ** ''Man's Unconquerable Mind'' (1954) * The chief aim of education is to show you, after you make a livelihood, how to enjoy living; and you can live longest and best and most rewardingly by attaining and preserving the happiness of learning. ** ''The Immortal Profession: The Joys of Teaching and Learning'' (1976) quoted in ''Audio Visual Communication Review'', Volume 25; ''Turkish Nomad: The Intellectual Journey of Talat S Halman''; ''The Academic Reviewer'', Issue 1, by the Intercollegiate Studies Institute * These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but ''minds'' alive on the shelves. From each of them goes out its own voice, as inaudible as the streams of sound conveyed by electric waves beyond the range of our hearing; and just as the touch of button on our stereo will fill the room with music, so by opening one of these volumes, one can call into range a voice far distant in time and space, and hear it speaking, mind to mind, heart to heart. ** ''The Immortal Profession: The Joys of Teaching and Learning'' (1976) quoted in ''Unbound'' by Julie Kaewert; ''The Miracle of Language'' by Richard Lederer; ''Crossing Open Ground'' by Barry Lopez. * Nobody has ever thought himself to death. The chief danger confronting us is not age. It is laziness, sloth, routine, stupidity, — forcing their way in like wind through the shutters, seeping into the cellar like swamp water. ** ''The Immortal Profession: The Joys of Teaching and Learning'' (1976) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Highet, Gilbert}} [[Category:University of Oxford faculty]] [[Category:Educators from Scotland]] [[Category:Historians from Scotland]] [[Category:People from Glasgow]] [[Category:1906 births]] [[Category:1978 deaths]] [[Category:Literary critics]] 20s82om8r8pidghj5evdy434okz97gc 3955157 3955143 2026-06-21T22:39:36Z Ollin Masa 3311333 3955157 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:NYPL TH-20868 Gilbert Highet cropped.jpg|thumb|The [[aim]] of those who try to [[control]] [[thought]] is always the same. They find one single [[explanation]] of the [[world]], one [[system]] of thought and [[action]] that will (they [[believe]]) cover everything; and then they try to [[impose]] that on all thinking [[people]].]] '''[[w:Gilbert Highet|Gilbert Arthur Highet]]''' (June 22, 1906 – January 20, 1978) was a Scottish-American classicist, academic, writer, intellectual, critic and literary historian. ==Quotes== *[[Rome]] grew powerful through her military and political genius; and then, from [[Ancient Greece|Greece]], she learnt to live the life of the mind. We have grown powerful through our scientific and industrial genius. The only way in which we can justify that power, use it for our own lasting benefit, and contribute something permanent to the development of the human race, is to understand and spread a system of noble spiritual ideals. Some of these we ourselves are working out. Many others we derive from [[Christianity]]. And many—in art and philosophy and literature—we have received from [[w:Greco-Roman world|Greco-Roman civilization]], as a priceless legacy. The real duty of man is not to extend his power or multiply his wealth beyond his needs, but to enrich and enjoy his only imperishable possession: his soul. **''The Classical Tradition: Greek and Roman Influences on Western Literature'' (1949), p. 549 * Do not try to make the brilliant pupil a replica of yourself. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=DogFAAAAMAAJ&q=%22Do+not+try+to+make+the+brilliant+pupil+a+replica+of+yourself%22&pg=PA50#v=onepage ''The Art of Teaching''] (1950), quoted in ''Max Perkins: Editor of Genius'' by A. Scott Berg; ''Chemical Engineering Education'', volume 27; ''High Points in the Work of the High Schools of New York City'', Volume 32 * History is a strange experience. The world is quite small now; but history is large and deep. Sometimes you can go much farther by sitting in your own home and reading a book of history, than by getting onto a ship or an airplane and traveling a thousand miles. When you go to Mexico City through space, you find it a sort of cross between modern Madrid and modern Chicago, with additions of its own; but if you go to Mexico City through history, back only 500 years, you will find it as distant as though it were on another planet: inhabited by cultivated barbarians, sensitive and cruel, highly organized and still in the Copper Age, a collection of startling, of unbelievable contrasts. ** ''Peoples, Places and Books'' (1953) [http://www.dim.uchile.cl/~anmoreir/varios/byzantium.html] * The aim of those who try to control thought is always the same. They find one single explanation of the world, one system of thought and action that will (they believe) cover everything; and then they try to impose that on all thinking people. ** ''Man's Unconquerable Mind'' (1954) * The chief aim of education is to show you, after you make a livelihood, how to enjoy living; and you can live longest and best and most rewardingly by attaining and preserving the happiness of learning. ** ''The Immortal Profession: The Joys of Teaching and Learning'' (1976) quoted in ''Audio Visual Communication Review'', Volume 25; ''Turkish Nomad: The Intellectual Journey of Talat S Halman''; ''The Academic Reviewer'', Issue 1, by the Intercollegiate Studies Institute * These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but ''minds'' alive on the shelves. From each of them goes out its own voice, as inaudible as the streams of sound conveyed by electric waves beyond the range of our hearing; and just as the touch of button on our stereo will fill the room with music, so by opening one of these volumes, one can call into range a voice far distant in time and space, and hear it speaking, mind to mind, heart to heart. ** ''The Immortal Profession: The Joys of Teaching and Learning'' (1976) quoted in ''Unbound'' by Julie Kaewert; ''The Miracle of Language'' by Richard Lederer; ''Crossing Open Ground'' by Barry Lopez. * Nobody has ever thought himself to death. The chief danger confronting us is not age. It is laziness, sloth, routine, stupidity, — forcing their way in like wind through the shutters, seeping into the cellar like swamp water. ** ''The Immortal Profession: The Joys of Teaching and Learning'' (1976) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Highet, Gilbert}} [[Category:University of Oxford faculty]] [[Category:Educators from Scotland]] [[Category:Historians from Scotland]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Scotland]] [[Category:People from Glasgow]] [[Category:1906 births]] [[Category:1978 deaths]] [[Category:Literary critics]] [[Category:Critics from Scotland]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] lv7ah95sb156pevjv44xwkvoc2fqli8 0 37978 3955057 3948169 2026-06-21T12:37:35Z ~2026-34659-04 3340950 /* Dialogue */ Ted turns Olaf. 3955057 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Kramer vs. Kramer|Kramer vs. Kramer]]''''' is a [[w:1979 in film|1979 film]] about a divorce and its impact on everyone involved, including the couple's young son. It received five Academy Awards at the 52nd Academy Awards in 1980, in the categories of Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay. :''Directed and written by [[w:Robert Benton|Robert Benton]], adapted from the novel by [[w:Avery Corman|Avery Corman]].'' == Ted Kramer == * For the last six months I've been spitting blood to get this agency one of the biggest account it's ever had. And at five o'clock this afternoon, we got the account. At eight o'clock, I am walking home with the vice president and tells me I'll be the next creative director of this department. I come through this door to share with my wife one of the five best days of my life, and she looks at me and tells me she doesn't want to live with me anymore! Can't you understand what she's done to me? * ''[having lunch with his boss]'' So the other morning, I'm at the refrigerator... you know, getting Billy ready for school. So I'm just in my underwear and he notices I've lost weight. And he comes in and pats me. He comes up to here... ''[touches his stomach]''... and he says "Daddy, you've really lost a lot of weight", he looks up at me and he says "And it's all gone to your nose." ''[laughs]'' He was so cute. You know? * ''[in court]'' There's a lot of things I didn't understand, a lot of things I'd do different if I could. Just like I think there's a lot of things you wish you could change, but we can't. Some things once they're done can't be undone. My wife, my ex-wife, says that she loves Billy, and I believe she does, but I don't think that's the issue here. * If I understand it correctly, what means the most here is what's best for our son. What's best for Billy. My wife used to always say to me: 'Why can't a woman have the same ambitions as a man?' I think you're right. And maybe I've learned that much. But by the same token, I'd like to know, what law is it that says that a woman is a better parent simply by virtue of her sex? You know, I've had a lot of time to think about what it is it that makes somebody a good parent? You know, it has to do with constancy, it has to do with patience, it has to do with listening to him. It has to do with pretending to listen to him when you can't even listen anymore. It has to do with love, like, like, like she was saying. And I don't know where it's written that it says that a woman has a corner on that market, that, that a man has any less of those emotions than a woman does. * Billy has a home with me. I've made it the best I could. It's not perfect. I'm not a perfect parent. Sometimes I don't have enough patience because I forget that he's a little kid. But I'm there. We get up in the morning and then we eat breakfast, and he talks to me and then we go to school. And at night, we have dinner together and we talk then and I read to him. And, and we built a life together and we love each other. If you destroy that, it may be irreparable. Joanna, don't do that, please. Don't do it twice to him. == Dialogue == :'''Joanna Kramer''': I love you, Billy. :'''Billy Kramer''': I love you too, Mommy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Kramer''': For the last six months I've been spitting blood to get this agency one of the biggest account it's ever had. And at five o'clock this afternoon, we got the account. At eight o'clock, I am walking home with the vice president and tells me I'll be the next creative director of this department. I come through this door to share with my wife one of the five best days of my life, and she looks at me and tells me she doesn't want to live with me anymore!. Can't you understand what she's done to me? :'''Margaret Phelps''': Yeah, She loused up one of the five best days of your life. :'''Ted Kramer''': You're terrific. Boy, you're.... thanks very much, really. Sisterhood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Kramer''': Margaret, I just need to know something. Did you set my wife up to this? :'''Margaret Phelps''': No, I did not put Joanna up to this. :'''Ted Kramer''': Give her a little pep talk, maybe? :'''Margaret Phelps''': Joanna is a very unhappy woman and it took a lot of courage for her to walk out of here. :'''Ted Kramer''': Really. How much courage does it take to walk out on your kid? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Billy Kramer''': When's mommy coming back? :'''Ted Kramer''': I don't know, Billy, soon. :'''Billy Kramer''': How soon? :'''Ted Kramer''': Soon. :'''Billy Kramer''': Will she pick me up after school? :'''Ted Kramer''': Probably. And if she doesn't I will. :'''Billy Kramer''': What if you forget? :'''Ted Kramer''': I won't forget. :'''Billy Kramer''': What if you get run over by a truck and get killed? :'''Ted Kramer''': Then Mommy will pick you up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Phyllis, naked, leaves the bedroom to use the bathroom. She runs into Billy, who is en route to the same place]'' :'''Billy Kramer and Phyllis Bernard''': ''[simultaneously]'' Hi. :'''Billy Kramer''': What's your name? :'''Phyllis Bernard''': I'm Phyllis Bernard. :'''Billy Kramer''': Who? :'''Phyllis Bernard''': I'm a friend... uh, business associate of your father's... dad. :'''Ted Kramer''': ''[In the bedroom]'' Oh, Jesus. :'''Billy Kramer''': Do you like fried chicken? :'''Phyllis Bernard''': Fried chicken? Very much. :'''Billy Kramer''': So do I. :'''Phyllis Bernard''': Umm... well, it's really... It's been nice seeing you and... :'''Billy Kramer''': Bye. :'''Phyllis Bernard''': Bye. :''[Phyllis comes back to the bedroom]'' :'''Phyllis Bernard''': Kramer, I just met your son. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted and Billy are having dinner]'' :'''Ted Kramer''': How was school today? :'''Billy Kramer''': Same as usual. :'''Ted Kramer''': Hey, I see the Knicks finally won a game, what do you know? :'''Billy Kramer''': I don't care. :'''Ted Kramer''': What do you mean? :'''Billy Kramer''': I like Boston. :'''Ted Kramer''': Boston? Why do you like Boston? :'''Billy Kramer''': Because Mommy's from Boston. :'''Ted Kramer''': Okay, sit up and try to eat. Come on. :'''Billy Kramer''': Can I be excused? I wanna go to bed. :'''Ted Kramer''': Too much birthday cake? :'''Billy Kramer''': Yeah, I guess. :'''Ted Kramer''': I'm sorry. Excuse me. Louise, give me a hand. :'''Louise''': You're 15 minutes late. Mr. O'Connor is very upset. :'''Ted Kramer''': This all of it? :'''Louise''': Yes. Do you want your mail now? :'''Ted Kramer''': No, just give me the messages. Remind me to get a Crying Chrissie doll at lunch. :'''Louise''': Okay, okay. :'''Ted Kramer''': Sorry I'm late. :'''Louise''': And there's a PTA meeting at the school on Tuesday at 4. :'''Ted Kramer''': Right, thanks. Put the chicken in the refrigerator. :'''Margaret Kramer''': Know who Charley's seeing now? :'''Ted Kramer''': Who? :'''Margaret Kramer''': A divorced woman with two little girls the same age as Kim and Petey. :'''Ted Kramer''': Are you kidding? Are you kidding? :'''Margaret Kramer''': Nope. :'''Ted Kramer''': How do you know? :'''Margaret Kramer''': I know. :'''Ted Kramer''': How long has it been since you and Charlie broke up? :'''Margaret Kramer''': A year and a half. :'''Ted Kramer''': That long? I did I ever tell you how sorry, how really sad Joanna and I were, when you guys split? :'''Margaret Kramer''': Look at that cute little boy ''[laughs]'' over there. :'''Ted Kramer''': You think you'll ever get married again? :'''Margaret Kramer''': Uh-uh. :'''Ted Kramer''': I mean, to anybody. :'''Margaret Kramer''': Uh-uh! :'''Ted Kramer''': Why? :'''Margaret Kramer''': I don't know, maybe it's different if you don't have children, but... even if Charley and I aren't living together, and even if we're sleeping with other people, and... even if Charley were to get married again... I don't know, he's still... my husband and he's still the father of my children and... ''[sighs]'' That stuff about "till death do you part," that's really true. :'''Ted Kramer''': Well, let me ask you this. Let's say Charley finishes his midlife crisis, and he's had it with his flings, and comes asking for forgiveness. What would you do? :'''Margaret Kramer''': I think...that if he really loved me...he wouldn't have let me divorce him. ''[long pause]'' :'''Ted Kramer''': You still think about him, don't you? :'''Margaret Kramer''': Only all the time. ''[pause]'' Think about Joanna? :'''Ted Kramer''': Never. :'''Margaret Kramer''': ''[laughs]'' You liar! :'''Ted Kramer''': Some pair, boy... :''[Margaret laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy makes noises playing with a toy plane]'' :'''Olaf''': All right, come on, put that down and eat your dinner, it's getting cold. :'''Billy Kramer''': What is this crap? :'''Olaf''': It's Salisbury steak. :'''Billy Kramer''': I hate it. :'''Olaf''': You do not hate it. You had it last week and you loved it. :'''Billy Kramer''': No, I didn't. :'''Olaf''': Um-hmm! :'''Billy Kramer''': I hate the brown stuff. It's gross. :'''Olaf''': All that is is onions and gravy. :'''Billy Kramer''': I'm allergic to onions. :'''Olaf''': You are not allergic to onions. You had this last week, and remember, I told you it was my favourite when I was a little boy, and you said 'It's my favourite, too.' :'''Billy Kramer''': I did not. :'''Olaf''': Yes, you did. Here. It's regular hamburger. Just give it a little bite. It's delicious! :''[Billy make a sound as though about to throw up]'' :'''Olaf''': So what's the matter? :'''Billy Kramer''': I think I'm gonna throw up. :'''Olaf''': No, you're not, now you're gonna eat your... :'''Billy Kramer''': It's eee-yucky! :'''Olaf''': It is not 'yucky', Billy. Eat it! :'''Billy Kramer''': Do you remember to bring the chocolate chip ice cream home? :'''Olaf''': ''[angrily, making fun of Billy's question]'' Yes, I did remember to bring the chocolate chip ice cream home, and you can't have any of it until you eat all your dinner, and then eat your meat and your corn... ''[changes tone of voice]'' Where are you going? Get back here right now, did you hear me? You'd better not do that. You'd better stop right there, fella, I'm warning you. Hey! Did you hear me? ''[while Billy bring ice cream to the table]'' Now you listen to me! Don't be smart now. You go right back and put that back until you finish your dinner so eat it... Okay, I'm warning you, you take one bite out of that and you're in big trouble. Don't... Hey! Don't you dare... Don't you ''dare'' do that. You hear me? Hey! Stop! Hold it right there! You put that ice cream in your mouth and you are in very, very, ''very'' big trouble! Don't you dare go anywhere beyond that... Put it down right now, I'm not going to say it again. I'm ''not'' going to say it again! ''[Billy eat ice cream and Olaf loses his temper, gets up from the chair to snatch Billy up and cart him toward his bedroom as punishment]'' I am not... :'''Billy Kramer''': ''[shrieking]'' Ow! You're hurting me! ''[kicks Olaf]'' :'''Olaf''': ''[raging madly]'' That's it! OW! Don't you kick me! :'''Billy Kramer''': I hate you! :''[Olaf kicks the door open as they reach the bedroom]'' :'''Olaf''': ''[furious]'' Well, you're no bargain either, pal! You are a spoiled, rotten little brat and I'll tell you right now... ''[unceremoniously dumps him on the bed]'' :'''Billy Kramer''': ''[yelling furiously]'' '''I HATE YOU!!!''' :'''Olaf''': ''[still furious, ignoring Billy's rant]'' '''AND I HATE YOU BACK, YOU LITTLE SHIT!!!''' ''[storms out of the room]'' :'''Billy Kramer''': ''[crying]'' '''''I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!''''' :'''Olaf''': ''[coldly and bitterly]'' I'm all you got! ''[furiously slams the door]'' :'''Billy Kramer''': ''[does a tantrum]'' I want my mommy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Billy Kramer''': Daddy? :'''Ted Kramer''': Yeah? :'''Billy Kramer''': I'm sorry. :'''Ted Kramer''': I'm sorry too. I want you to go to sleep because it's really late. :'''Billy Kramer''': Daddy? :'''Ted Kramer''': Now what is it? :'''Billy Kramer''': Are you going away? :'''Ted Kramer''': No. I'm staying here with you. You can't get rid of me that easy. :'''Billy Kramer''': That's why Mommy left, isn't it? Because I was bad? :'''Ted Kramer''': Is that what you think? No. That's not it, Billy. Your mom loves you very much... and the reason she left has nothing to do with you. I don't know if this will make sense, but I'll try to explain it to you. I think the reason why Mommy left... was because for a long time... I kept trying to make her be a certain kind of person. A certain kind of wife that I thought she was supposed to be. And she just wasn't like that. She was... She just wasn't like that. I think that she tried for so long to make me happy... and when she couldn't, she tried to talk to me about it. But I wasn't listening. I was too busy, too wrapped up... just thinking about myself. And I thought that anytime I was happy, she was happy. But I think underneath she was very sad. Mommy stayed here longer than she wanted because she loves you so much. And the reason why Mommy couldn't stay anymore... was because she couldn't stand me. She didn't leave because of you. She left because of me. Go to sleep now because it's really late, okay? Good night, sleep tight. :'''Billy Kramer''': Don't let the bedbugs bite. :'''Ted Kramer''': See you in the morning light. :'''Billy Kramer''': Daddy? :'''Ted Kramer''': Yeah? :'''Billy Kramer''': I love you. :'''Ted Kramer''': I love you, too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joanna returns to New York]'' :'''Joanna Kramer''': All my life I've felt like...somebody's wife or somebody's mother, somebody's daughter. Even all the time we were together I never knew who I was. And that's why I had to go away. And in California, I think I found myself. I got myself a job. I got myself a therapist, a really good one. And I feel better about myself than I ever have in my whole life. I learned a great deal about myself. :'''Ted Kramer''': Such as?... No, really, I'd really like to know what you learned. :'''Joanna Kramer''': Well, I've learned that I love my little boy. And that I'm capable of taking care of him. :'''Ted Kramer''': What do you mean? :'''Joanna Kramer''': I want my son. :'''Ted Kramer''': You can't have him :'''Joanna Kramer''': Don't get defensive. Don't try to bully me. :'''Ted Kramer''': I'm not getting defensive. Who walked out 15 months ago? :'''Joanna Kramer''': I don't care. I'm still his mother. :'''Ted Kramer''': Yeah, from 300 miles away. And because you sent post cards gives you the right to come back? :'''Joanna Kramer''': I never stopped wanting him. :'''Ted Kramer''': What makes you sure he wants you? :'''Joanna Kramer''': What makes you sure he doesn't want me? :'''Ted Kramer''': Okay look. We're gonna sit here and bat this back and forth. It's like old times. :'''Joanna Kramer''': You can't deny me... :'''Ted Kramer''': Don't tell me what I can or cannot do! Don't talk to me that way! :'''Joanna Kramer''': I anticipated this. :'''Ted Kramer''': Okay look, I don't want to hear this. Do what you have to. I'll do what I have to. :'''Joanna Kramer''': Fine... I am very sorry about this. :'''Ted Kramer''': Okay, just do what you have to do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted Kramer hires a lawyer]'' :'''Ted Kramer''': I don't know the legal jargon for it, but I think it's "desertion." I don't mean to tell you your job, but I think I have an open-and-shut case. :'''John Shaunessy''': Well, at first Mr. Kramer, there's no such thing as an open-and- shut case where custody is involved. I'll bet your ex-wife has already found a lawyer who's advised her to move back to establish residency. The burden is on us to prove that your ex-wife is an unfit mother. That means I'll have to play rough. If I play rough, you can bet they will too. Can you take that? :'''Ted Kramer''': Yes. :'''John Shaunessy''': And it's going to cost you $15,000. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted Kramer gets fired]'' :'''Ted Kramer''': You're firing me? :'''Jim O'Connor''': Yeah, I'm letting you go, yes. :'''Ted Kramer''': Why? :'''Jim O'Connor''': Now, look, Ted, this is a very painful thing for me. You don't know how badly I feel,. I've been getting a lot of pressure from the guys upstairs, and there wasn't anything else I could do. I thought a lot about this and it's really better this way. If I took your stripes... if I put you on a schlock account, you'd hate it, and me for doing it. This way it's a clean break. And believe me, that's the best thing. :'''Ted Kramer''': You know my wife is fighting me for custody?. You know that we're going to court?. Do you know what my chances are if I'm out of a job?. :'''Jim O'Connor''': Look, I understand that you're upset... :'''Ted Kramer''': I don't want to beg, but I'm asking you, please, as a friend. Ah?... I'm asking you. :'''Jim O'Connor''': You're an extremely bright guy. You've got a hell of a talent. You're gonna land on your feet. You're gonna survive...Teddy, look. I know you may be short on cash. No big hurry about paying this back. :'''Ted Kramer''': Shame on you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joanna Kramer''': I woke up this morning, kept thinking about Billy and I-I was thinking about him waking up in his room with his little clouds all around that I painted. And I thought I should have painted clouds downtown, because then he would think that he was waking up at home. I came here to take my son home. And I realized he already is home. Oh, I love him very much. ''[Joanna and Ted hug]'' I'm not gonna take him with me. Can I go up and talk to him?... :'''Ted Kramer''': Listen why don't you go upstairs and see him and I'll wait here. :'''Joanna Kramer''': ''[wipes the tears from her eyes and pats her hair]'' How do I look? :'''Ted Kramer''': You look terrific. == Cast == * [[Dustin Hoffman]] – Ted Kramer * [[Meryl Streep]] – Joanna Kramer * [[w:Jane Alexander|Jane Alexander]] – Margaret Phelps * [[w:Justin Henry|Justin Henry]] – Billy Kramer * [[w:Howard Duff|Howard Duff]] – John Shaunessy * [[w:George Coe|George Coe]] – Jim O'Connor * [[w:JoBeth Williams|JoBeth Williams]] – Phyllis Bernard (as Jobeth Williams) * Bill Moor – Gressen * [[w:Howland Chamberlain|Howland Chamberlain]] – Judge Atkins * Jack Ramage – Spencer * [[w:Jess Osuna|Jess Osuna]] – Ackerman == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0079417|title=Kramer vs. Kramer}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=kramer_vs_kramer|title=Kramer vs. Kramer}} [[Category:1979 films]] [[Category:American drama films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Legal films]] [[Category:Best Picture Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Films whose writers won Best Adapted Screenplay Academy Award]] [[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Films about divorce]] [[Category:Films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:1970s American films]] [[Category:Films directed by Robert Benton]] [[Category:Screenplays by Robert Benton]] mzrvzf97e85o457rcpkth3gclqrblxo 0 43887 3955064 3932642 2026-06-21T13:56:01Z ~2026-35941-36 3344246 /* Quotes about Paul */ "drew on him" meant he received hatred from pharisees, not directed it towards them 3955064 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Vatican StPaul Statue.jpg|thumb|[[Now]] I [[know]] in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide [[faith]], [[hope]], [[love]], these three; but the [[greatest]] of these is love.]] '''[[w:Paul the Apostle|Paul]]''' (born '''Saul of Tarsus'''; ''c''. [[5]] – ''c''. [[67]]), commonly known as '''Paul the Apostle''' and '''Saint Paul''', was a [[w:Apostles in the New Testament|Christian apostle]] (although not one of the original [[w:Twelve Apostles|Twelve Apostles]]) who spread the [[w:Ministry of Jesus|teachings]] of [[Jesus]] in the [[w:Christianity in the 1st century|first-century world]]. Generally regarded as one of the most important figures of the [[w:Apostolic Age|Apostolic Age]], he founded [[w:Early centers of Christianity|several Christian communities in Asia Minor and Europe]] from the mid-40s to the mid-50s AD. According to the [[New Testament]] book [[Acts of the Apostles]], Paul was a [[w:Pharisee|Pharisee]]; he participated in the [[w:Persecution of Christians in the Roman Empire|persecution]] of early [[w:Disciple (Christianity)|disciples]] of Jesus, possibly [[w:Hellenistic Judaism|Hellenised]] diaspora Jews converted to Christianity, in the area of [[w:Early centers of Christianity#Jerusalem|Jerusalem]], prior to [[w:Conversion of Paul the Apostle|his conversion]]. In the narrative of Acts, Paul was traveling on the road from Jerusalem to [[w:Early centers of Christianity#Damascus|Damascus]] on a mission to "arrest them and bring them back to Jerusalem" when the [[w:Ascension of Jesus|risen Christ]] appeared to him in a great bright light. He was struck blind, but after three days his sight was restored by [[w:Ananias of Damascus|Ananias of Damascus]] and Paul began to preach that Jesus of Nazareth was the [[w:Messiah in Judaism|Jewish messiah]] and the [[w:Son of God (Christianity)|Son of God]]. Approximately half of the [[Acts of the Apostles]] deals with Paul's life and works. == Quotes == [[File:Artgate Fondazione Cariplo - Gemito Vincenzo, Il filosofo (Masto Ciccio) o San Paolo.jpg|thumb|At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. The goal is equality.]] [[File:Rembrandt - Apostle Paul - WGA19120.jpg|thumb|Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ~ [[w:Epistle to the Colossians|Colossians]] 3:1]] [[File:El Greco - St. Paul - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian. ~ [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]] 3:24-25]] === [[Acts of the Apostles]] === {{main|Acts of the Apostles}} *As he journeyed he came near Damascus, and suddenly a light shone around him from heaven. Then he fell to the ground, and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?” :And he said, “Who are You, Lord?” :Then the Lord said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. It is hard for you to kick against the goads.” :So he, trembling and astonished, said, “Lord, what do You want me to do?” :Then the Lord said to him, “Arise and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.” *''[[Acts of the Apostles|Acts]]'' 9:3-7, NKJV * '''Indeed I am a man, a [[w:Jewish_Christian|Jew]] having been born in Tarsus of Cilicia,''' but having been brought up in this city at the feet of Gamaliel, having been trained according to the exactness of the ancestral law, being a zealot of God, even as you all are today. I persecuted this Way as far as death, binding and giving over both men and women to prisons ** [[w:Acts of the Apostles|Acts]] 12:3-4 * '''Truly, these times of [[ignorance]] God overlooked, but now commands all men everywhere to repent, because He has appointed a day on which He will judge the world in righteousness by the Man whom He has ordained. He has given assurance of this to all by raising Him from the dead.''' ** 17:30,31 * But knowing that the one part consisted of Sadducees, and the other of Pharisees, Paul cried out in the sanhedrin, Men, brothers, I am a Pharisee, a son of Pharisees; I am being judged concerning hope and resurrection of the dead! ** 23:6 * Truly, then, all the Jews know my way of life from youth, which from the beginning had been in my nation in Jerusalem, who before knew me from the first, if they will testify, that according to the most exact sect of our religion, I lived a Pharisee. And now for the hope of the promise having been made by God to the fathers, I stand being judged; to which our twelve tribes hope to arrive, worshiping in earnestness night and day, concerning which hope I am accused by the Jews, King Agrippa. “Why is it considered unbelievable among you that God raises up the dead?" ** 26:4-8 *However, because I have experienced the help that is from God, I continue to this day bearing witness to both small and great, saying nothing except what the [[Prophet|Prophets]] as well as [[Moses]] stated was going to take place that the [[Christ]] was to suffer and that as the first to be resurrected from the dead,+ he was going to proclaim light both to this people and to the nations. ** 26:22-23 ===Sermon on Mars Hill=== (Acts 17:22-31 New American Standard Bible) *22 So Paul stood... and said, “Men of Athens, I see that you are very religious in all respects. 23 For while I was... examining the objects of your worship, I also found an altar with this inscription, ‘TO AN UNKNOWN GOD.’ Therefore, what you worship in ignorance, this I proclaim to you. 24 The God who made the world and everything that is in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made by hands; 25 nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; 26 and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth... 27 that they would seek God, if perhaps they might feel around for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; 28 for in Him we live and move and exist...‘For we also are His descendants.’ 29 Therefore, since we are the descendants of God, we ought not to think that the Divine Nature is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by human skill and thought. 30 So having overlooked the times of ignorance, God is now proclaiming to mankind that all people everywhere are to repent, 31 because He has set a day on which He will judge the world in [[righteousness]]... === [[Epistle to the Romans]] === {{main|Epistle to the Romans}} [[File:Statue of Saint Paul, Damascus.jpg|thumb|All have [[sinned]], and come short of the [[glory]] of [[God]]; Being justified freely by his [[grace]] through the [[redemption]] that is in [[w:Christ|Christ]] [[Jesus]].]] * Paul, a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle, separated unto the gospel of God, (Which he had promised afore by his prophets in the holy scriptures,) Concerning his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, which was made of the seed of David according to the flesh; And declared to be the Son of God with power, according to the spirit of holiness, by the resurrection from the dead: By whom we have received grace and apostleship, for obedience to the faith among all nations, for his name: Among whom are ye also the called of Jesus Christ: ** ''[[w:Epistle to the Romans|Romans]]'', 1:1-6 - {{Bibleverse||Romans|1}} * '''What if some did not believe? shall their unbelief make the faith of God without effect? God forbid: yes, let God be true, but every man a liar'''; as it is written, That thou mightest be justified in thy sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged. <br> But if our unrighteousness commend the [[righteousness]] of God, what shall we say? Is God unrighteous who taketh [[Revenge|vengeance]]? (I speak as a man) God forbid: for then how shall God judge the world? For if the truth of God hath more abounded through my lie unto his glory; why yet am I also judged as a sinner? And not rather, (as we be slanderously reported, and as some affirm that we say,) Let us do evil, that good may come? whose damnation is just. ** ''[[w:Epistle to the Romans|Romans]]'', 3:3-8 - {{Bibleverse||Romans|3}} * '''Now we know that what things soever the law saith, it saith to them who are under the law: that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God.''' Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified in his sight: for by the law ''is'' the knowledge of sin. <br> But now the righteousness of God without the law is manifested, being witnessed by the law and the prophets; Even the righteousness of God ''which is'' by faith of [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference: '''For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God'''; Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus: Whom God hath set forth ''to be'' a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God; To declare, ''I say'', at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus. <br> '''Where ''is'' boasting then? It is excluded.''' By what law? of works? Nay: but by the law of faith. '''Therefore we conclude that a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law. ''Is he'' the God of the Jews only? ''is he'' not also of the Gentiles? Yes, of the Gentiles also: Seeing ''it is'' one God, which shall justify the circumcision by faith, and uncircumcision through faith. <br> '''Do we then make void the law through faith? God forbid: yea, we establish the law.''' ** ''Romans'' 3:19-31 *Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the Glory of God. Not only so, '''but we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces [[perseverance]]; perseverance, [[character]]; and character, [[hope]].''' And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us **''Romans'' 5:1-5 * For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am fleshly, sold under sin. For I do not understand what I am doing. For I do not practice what I wish, but I do what I hate. However, if I do what I do not wish, I agree that the Law is fine. But now I am no longer the one doing it, but it is the sin that resides in me. For I know that in me, that is, in my flesh, there dwells nothing good; for I have the desire to do what is fine but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good that I wish, but the bad that I do not wish is what I practice. If, then, I do what I do not wish, I am no longer the one carrying it out, but it is the sin dwelling in me. ** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/romans/7/ Romans 7:14-20] * For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of [[Birth|childbirth]] until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the [[Spirit]], groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. ** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/romans/8/ Romans 8:18-25], [[ESV]] * I say then, Hath God cast away his people? God forbid. For I also am an [[w:Israelite|Israelite]], of the seed of Abraham, of the tribe of Benjamin. **Romans 11:1 * O the depth of [[God]]’s [[riches]] and [[wisdom]] and [[knowledge]]! How unsearchable his judgments [are] and past tracing out his ways [are]! For “who has come to know [[Jehovah]]’s [[mind]], or who has become his counselor?” ** ''[http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/romans/11/ Romans 11:33]'', [[NWT]] *Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. **Romans 12:2 * Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. For this, Thou shalt not commit [[adultery]], Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not [[Lying|bear false witness]], Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. ** Letter to the Romans 13:8 === [[First Epistle to the Corinthians]] === [[File:William Holman Hunt - Christ And The Two Marys.jpg|thumb| The [[foolishness]] of [[God]] is wiser than [[men]]; and the [[weakness]] of God is [[stronger]] than men. <br /> For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many [[mighty]], not many [[noble]], are called: But God hath [[chosen]] the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: That no flesh should [[glory]] in his [[presence]].]] {{main|First Epistle to the Corinthians}} * '''[[Christ]] sent me not to [[baptize]], but to preach the [[gospel]]: not with [[wisdom]] of [[words]], lest the cross of Christ should be made of none [[effect]].''' For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the [[power]] of [[God]].<br /> For it is written, '''I will destroy the [[wisdom]] of the wise, and will bring to [[nothing]] the [[understanding]] of the prudent.''' <br /> Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? <br /> For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. For the Jews require a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom: But we preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumblingblock, and unto the Greeks foolishness; But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God. Because '''the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.''' <br /> For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: That no flesh should glory in his presence. <br /> But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord. ** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%201&version=SBLGNT;KJV 1: 17 - 31 (KJV)] * A physical man does not receive the things of the spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot get to know [them], because they are examined spiritually. However, the spiritual man examines indeed all things, but he himself is not examined by any man. ** [http://www.watchtower.org/e/bible/1co/chapter_002.htm 1 Corinthians 2:14,15] * If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. ** 1 Corinthians 3:18 (KJV) * Every sin which a man does is without the body, but he that commits [[Human sexual activity|fornication]] sins against his own body. ** 1 Corinthians 6:18 * Do you not know that your [[Body|body]] is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God? You are not your own. ** 1 Corinthians 6:19 *Let the [[husband]] render to his wife the affection owed her, and likewise also the [[wife]] to her husband. ** 1 Corinthians 7:3 ([http://biblehub.com/1_corinthians/7-3.htm World English Bible]) *The [[wife]] hath not power of her own [[body]], but the husband. And in like manner the [[husband]] also hath not power of his own body, but the wife. ** 1 Corinthians 7:4 ([http://www.biblebible.com/text-bible/Catholic-Bible/1_corinthians_7.asp Catholic Bible Douay-Rehims]) * '''Though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more.''' And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law; To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law. '''To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.''' ** ''I Corinthians'' 9:22 (KJV) * Man is not of the woman, but the woman of the man. And man was not created for the cause of the woman, but the woman for the cause of man; and therefore ought the woman to have a power upon her head. ** ''I Corinthians'' 11:8-10 {{anchor|1Corinth12:4-11}} * '''[[Now]] there are diversities of [[gifts]], but the same [[Spirit]]. <br />And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord.<br />And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh [[All|all in all]].'''<br />But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man, to profit withal.<br /> For to one is given, by the Spirit, the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge, by the same Spirit;<br />To another, faith by the same Spirit; to another, the gifts of healing, by the same Spirit;<br /> To another, the working of miracles; to another, prophecy; to another, discerning of spirits; to another, divers kinds of tongues; to another, the interpretation of tongues.<br /> '''But all these worketh that one and the self-same Spirit, dividing to every man severally, as he will.''' ** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+12&version=KJV;SBLGNT 1 Corinthians 12:4-11]<!-- also quoted in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=13VHAQAAMAAJ An Essay for the Understanding of St. Paul's Epistles]'' by [[John Locke]] (1812 edition) pp.165-166 --> *Yea, much more those that seem to be the more feeble members of the [[body]], are more necessary. And such as we think to be the less honourable members of the body, about these we put more abundant honour; and those that are our uncomely parts, have more abundant comeliness. But our comely parts have no need [...] ** 1 Corinthians 12:22-24 (as quoted in [http://www.biblebible.com/text-bible/Catholic-Bible/1_corinthians_12.asp Catholic Bible Douay-Rehims]) * '''Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not [[w:Charity (virtue)|charity]], I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.''' And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. '''Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.'''<br/> '''Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.'''<br/> When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. '''For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.''' ** ''I Corinthians'' Ch. 13 (KJV) The word "[[w:Charity (virtue)|Charity]]" is here used as a translation of the Latin ''[[w:Caritas|Caritas]]'', and the original Greek ''[[w:Agape|Agape]]'', which were words for "Love", and used to denote the highest and most self-transcending forms of Love. ** Variants: '''Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.''' And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. <br> '''Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.'''<br> '''Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.''' <br> When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. '''Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. <br> And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.''' *** ''I Corinthians'' Ch. 13 (NKJV) ** If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophesy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.<br> [[Love]] is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes in all things, hopes all things, endures all things.<br> Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things. At present, we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love. *** ''1 Corinthians'' Ch. 13 [[w:New American Standard Bible|(NASB)]] ** Now, there remain faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. *** [http://www.watchtower.org/e/bible/1co/chapter_013.htm 1 Corinthians 13:13, New World Translation] ** The three most important things to have are faith, hope and love. But the greatest of them is love. *** 1 Corinthians 13:13, [[w:New International Reader's Version|New International Reader's Version]] * Even things without life that give sound, whether pipe or harp, except they give a distinction of sounds, how shall it be known what is piped or harped ? For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle ? So likewise you, except you utter by the tongue plain speech, how shall it be known what is said? For you shall be speaking into the air. ** 1 Corinthians 14:7-9 (as quoted in [http://www.biblebible.com/text-bible/Catholic-Bible/1_corinthians_14.asp Catholic Bible Douay-Rehims]) * There are, for example, so many kinds of tongues in this world; and none is without voice. If then I know not the power of the voice, I shall be to him to whom I speak a barbarian; and he that speaketh, a barbarian to me. ** 1 Corinthians 14:10-11 (as quoted in [http://www.biblebible.com/text-bible/Catholic-Bible/1_corinthians_14.asp Catholic Bible Douay-Rehims]) *Brethren, do not become children in sense: but in malice be children, and in sense be perfect. ** 1 Corinthians 14:20 (as quoted in [http://www.biblebible.com/text-bible/Catholic-Bible/1_corinthians_14.asp Catholic Bible Douay-Rehims]) *Now I make known unto you brethren, the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye received, wherein also ye stand, by which also ye are saved, if ye hold fast the word which I preached unto you, except ye believed in vain. For I delivered unto you first of all that which also I received: that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; and that he was buried; and that he hath been raised on the third day according to the scriptures; and that '''he appeared to Cephas; then to the twelve; then he appeared to above five hundred brethren at once, of whom the greater part remain until now, but some are fallen asleep; then he appeared to James; then to all the apostles; and last of all, as to the [child] untimely born, he appeared to me also'''. For I am the least of the apostles, that am not meet to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not found vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me. Whether then [it be] I or they, so we preach, and so ye believed. Now if Christ is preached that he hath been raised from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead? But if there is no resurrection of the dead, neither hath Christ been raised: and if Christ hath not been raised, then is our preaching vain, your faith also is vain. Yea, we are found false witnesses of God; because we witnessed of God that he raised up Christ: whom he raised not up, if so be that the dead are not raised. For if the dead are not raised, neither hath Christ been raised: and if Christ hath not been raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins. ** 1 Corinthians 15:1-17 (ASV) === [[Second Epistle to the Corinthians]] === {{main|Second Epistle to the Corinthians}} * Do we begin again to commend ourselves? or need we, as some others, epistles of commendation to you, or letters of commendation from you?<br /> '''Ye are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read of all men''': Forasmuch as ye are manifestly declared to be the epistle of [[Christ]] ministered by us, written not with ink, but with the Spirit of the living God; not in tables of stone, but in fleshy tables of the heart. And such trust have we through Christ to God-ward: '''Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God; Who also hath made us able ministers of the new testament; not of the letter, but of the spirit: for the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life.''' <br /> But if the ministration of death, written and engraven in stones, was glorious, so that the children of Israel could not stedfastly behold the face of [[Moses]] for the glory of his countenance; which glory was to be done away: How shall not the ministration of the spirit be rather glorious? <br /> '''For if the ministration of condemnation be glory, much more doth the ministration of righteousness exceed in glory.''' For even that which was made glorious had no glory in this respect, by reason of the glory that excelleth. '''For if that which is done away was glorious, much more that which remaineth is glorious.'''<br /> Seeing then that we have such hope, we use great plainness of speech: And not as Moses, which put a veil over his face, that the children of Israel could not stedfastly look to the end of that which is abolished: '''But their minds were blinded: for until this day remaineth the same vail untaken away in the reading of the old testament; which vail is done away in Christ. But even unto this day, when Moses is read, the vail is upon their heart. Nevertheless when it shall turn to the Lord, the vail shall be taken away.''' ** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Corinthians+3&version=KJV;SBLGNT 2 Corinthians 3:1-16] * [[Now]] the Lord is [[Holy Spirit|that Spiri]]t: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is [[liberty]].''' But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the [[glory]] of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord. ** 2 Corinthians 3: 17-18 ** Variant translations: ** [[Jehovah]] is the Spirit, and where the spirit of Jehovah is, there is freedom. ** 2 Corinthians 3: 17 NWT * At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. The goal is equality. ** 2 Corinthians 8:14 [[New International Version|NIV]] === [[Epistle to the Galatians]] === {{main|Epistle to the Galatians}} * And I advanced in [[Judaism]] beyond many of my own age; in my race being much more a zealot of the ancestral traditions of my fathers. But when God was pleased, He having separated me from my mother’s womb, and having called me through His grace, to reveal His Son in me, that I might preach Him among the nations, immediately I did not confer with flesh and blood, ** 1:14-16 * I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ** 2:19-20 * The law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian. ** 3:24-25 [[w:English Standard Version|ESV]] === [[Epistle to the Ephesians]] === {{main|Epistle to the Ephesians}} [[File:Holy-grail-round-table-bnf-ms fr-116F-f610v-15th-detail.jpg|thumb|[[God]], who is [[rich]] in [[mercy]], for his [[great]] [[love]] wherewith he loved us, Even when we were [[dead]] in [[sins]], hath quickened us together with [[Christ]], (by [[grace]] ye are [[saved]]) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in [[Christ]] [[Jesus]]: That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus.]] [[File:Human Peace Sign crop.jpg|thumb|For by [[grace]] are ye [[saved]] through [[faith]]; and that not of yourselves: it is the [[gift]] of [[God]]: Not of [[works]], lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in [[Christ]] [[Jesus]] unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.]] [[File:Soreg inscription.jpg|thumb|For he is our [[peace]]; in his flesh he has made both groups into one and has broken down the dividing [[wall]], that is, the hostility between us. He has abolished the [[law]] with its commandments and ordinances, that he might create in himself one new [[humanity]] in place of the two, thus making peace. ~ [[w:Epistle to the Ephesians|Ephesians]] 2:14-15 (NRSV)]] * '''And you hath he quickened, who were [[dead]] in trespasses and [[sins]]'''; Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.<br /> But '''[[God]], who is rich in [[mercy]], for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with [[Christ]], (by [[grace]] ye are [[saved]];) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in [[Christ]] [[Jesus]]''': That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. '''For by grace are ye saved through [[faith]]; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.''' ** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+2&version=KJV;SBLGNT 2:1-10] (KJV) * <!-- Wherefore remember, that ye being in time past Gentiles in the flesh, who are called Uncircumcision by that which is called the Circumcision in the flesh made by hands; That at that time ye were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world: But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ. 2:11-13--> '''For he is our [[peace]], who hath made both one, and hath broken down the middle wall of partition between us; Having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the [[law]] of commandments contained in ordinances; for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace; And that he might reconcile both unto God in one body by the cross, having slain the enmity thereby: And came and preached peace to you which were afar off, and to them that were nigh. For through him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father.''' <br /> [[Now]] therefore ye are no more [[strangers]] and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the [[saints]], and of the household of God; And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone; In whom all the building fitly framed together groweth unto an holy temple in the Lord: In whom ye also are builded together for an habitation of God through the Spirit. ** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+2&version=KJV;SBLGNT 2:14-17 (KJV)] ** Variant translations: ** For he is our peace; in his flesh he has made both groups into one and has '''broken down the dividing wall''', that is, the hostility between us. He has abolished the law with its commandments and ordinances, that he might create in himself one new humanity in place of the two, thus making peace *** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+2%3A14-15&version=NRSV 2:14-15 (NRSV)] * So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. ** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+5&version=KJV;SBLGNT 5:28] ** Variant translation: ** Even so [[husband|husbands]] should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his [[Wife|wife]] loves himself. * '''Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.''' Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. '''For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.''' Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. <br /> Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. '''And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.''' ** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+6&version=KJV;SBLGNT 6:10 - 20 (KJV)] ** Variant translation: ** Finally, '''be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.''' For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. '''Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.''' Stand firm then, with the ''belt'' of ''truth'' buckled around your waist, with the ''breastplate'' of ''righteousness'' in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the ''shield'' of ''faith'', with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the ''helmet'' of ''salvation'' and the ''sword'' of the ''Spirit'', which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. '''With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.''' === [[Epistle to the Colossians]] === {{main|Epistle to the Colossians}} * Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ** [[w:Epistle to the Colossians|Colossians]] 3:1 === [[Epistle to the Philippians]] === [[File:Conversion_on_the_Way_to_Damascus-Caravaggio_(c.1600-1).jpg|thumb|Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees. ~ [[Jesus]] ]] {{main|Epistle to the Philippians}} *Even though I might have trust in flesh; if any other thinks to trust in flesh, I more; in circumcision, the eighth day, of the race of Israel, the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of the Hebrews; according to Law, a [[w:Pharisee|Pharisee]]; ** Philippians 3: 4-5 * '''Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with [[thanksgiving]] let your requests be made known unto [[God]]. And the [[peace]] of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through [[Christ]] [[Jesus]].''' ** Philippians 4: 6-7 ([[King James Version|KJV]]) ** Variant translations: ** Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God; and the [[peace]] of [[God]] that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus. === [[First Epistle to the Thessalonians]] === {{main|First Epistle to the Thessalonians}} *Then each of you will control his own [[body]] and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways. ** 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5 (as quoted in [http://biblehub.com/nlt/1_thessalonians/4.htm New Living Translation]) === [[First Epistle to Timothy]] === {{main|First Epistle to Timothy}} * Who desires all people to be saved and come to full knowledge of the truth. ** 1 Timothy 2:4 (as quoted in [http://biblehub.com/web/1_timothy/2.htm World English Bible]) *And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do. Women should learn quietly and submissively. I do not let women teach men or have authority over them. Let them listen quietly. ** 1 Timothy 2:9-12 (as quoted in [http://biblehub.com/nlt/1_timothy/2.htm New Living Translation]) *For the desire of money is the root of all evils; which some coveting have erred from the faith, and have entangled themselves in many sorrows. ** 1 Timothy 6:10 (as quoted in [http://www.biblebible.com/text-bible/Catholic-Bible/1_timothy_6.asp Catholic Bible Douay-Rehims]) * Preach the word, be urgent in season and out of season, convince, rebuke, and exhort, be unfailing in patience and in teaching. ** 2 Timothy 4:2, as quoted in [http://www.ewtn.com/ewtn/bible/search_bible.asp#ixzz2z6rG6sTs www.ewtn.com] === [[Epistle to the Hebrews]] === {{main|Epistle to the Hebrews}} * For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And before him no creature is hidden, but all are open and laid bare to the eyes of him with whom we have to do. ** Hebrews 4:12-13, as quoted in [http://www.ewtn.com/ewtn/bible/search_bible.asp#ixzz2z6sV9500 www.ewtn.com] *Of whom the world was not worthy [...] ** Hebrews 11:38 (as quoted in [http://www.biblebible.com/text-bible/Catholic-Bible/hebrews_11.asp Catholic Bible Douay-Rehims]) * For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. ** Hebrews 12:11, as quoted in [http://www.ewtn.com/ewtn/bible/search_bible.asp#ixzz2z6uWPJG3 www.ewtn.com] * Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. ** [http://bible.cc/hebrews/13-2.htm ''Hebrews'' 13:2] ([[w:Authorized King James Version|KJV]]) == Quotes about Paul == [[File:Artgate Fondazione Cariplo - Gemito Vincenzo, Il filosofo (Masto Ciccio) o San Paolo.jpg|thumb|Not only did this apostle refuse to recognize the religious differences between the parties of Peter, Apollos, Paul, and Christ, but — what is more important — he showed his converts that in Christ there can be neither Jew nor Greek, male nor female, bond nor free, and that with God there is no respect of persons. Recognizing the diversity of gifts he resisted the ever-present tendency to find in diversity the excuse of division. ~ [[H. Richard Niebuhr]]]] *Though women have always been close to words, they have often been barred from speaking: Saint Paul, in the Holy Scriptures, ordered women to be silent in church, thus censuring their means of public expression...Yet women have continued speaking their minds, often through the sacred language of poetry, where there is an abundance of intuition and the possibility of reclaiming power through language. **[[Marjorie Agosín]] Introduction to ''These Are Not Sweet Girls: Poetry by Latin American Women'' (2000) [[File:Conversion_of_Saint_Paul_(Michelangelo_Buonarroti).jpg|thumb|All of Paul's preaching, all of his theology, is characterised by the process of the collapse of a certain sacred structure, and by the slow [[discovery]] of the perspective given by a new focus on [[Yahweh]], the Pauline equivalent of [[Elijah]]'s still, small [[voice]]. ~ [[James Alison]]]] [[File:Schnorr von Carolsfeld Bibel in Bildern 1860 225.png|thumb|Others preached that he really died, but rose again. Others preached, and yet preach, that Jesus is the Son of God, among whom is Paul deceived. ~ [[w:Saint Barnabas|Saint Barnabas]]]] [[File:Freeman Dyson at Harvard.jpg|thumb|For St. Paul, the [[diversity]] of [[creation]] is less [[important]] than the [[unity]] of the creator. For me, it is the other way round. I do not [[know]] or particularly care whether the same [[God]] is working [[The All|all in all]]. I care deeply for the diversity of his working. ~ [[Freeman Dyson]] ]] [[File:Pope-peter pprubens.jpg|thumb|Therefore, beloved, since you await these things, be eager to be found without spot or blemish before [the Lord], at peace. And consider the patience of our Lord as salvation, as our beloved brother Paul, according to the wisdom given to him, also wrote to you, speaking of these things as he does in all his letters. In them there are some things hard to understand that the ignorant and unstable distort to their own destruction, just as they do the other scriptures. Therefore, beloved, since you are forewarned, be on your guard not to be led into the error of the unprincipled and to fall from your own stability. But grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory now and to the day of eternity. Amen. ~ [[Saint Peter]] ]] * All of Paul's preaching, all of his [[theology]], is characterised by the process of the collapse of a certain sacred structure, and by the slow [[discovery]] of the perspective given by a new focus on [[Yahweh]], the Pauline equivalent of [[Elijah]]'s still, small [[voice]]. ** [[James Alison]], ''Faith Beyond Resentment'' (2001), p. 33 * After Jesus had departed, the disciples scattered through the different parts of Israel and of the world, and the truth, hated of [[Satan]], was persecuted, as it always is, by falsehood. For certain evil men, pretending to be disciples, preached that Jesus died and rose not again. '''Others preached that he really died, but rose again. Others preached, and yet preach, that Jesus is the Son of God, among whom is Paul deceived.''' But we - as much as I have written - we preach to those that fear God, that they may be saved in the last day of God's Judgment. Amen. ** Attributed to [[w:Saint Barnabas|Saint Barnabas]] in ''[[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]]'' (c. 16th century AD manuscript), Ch. 222 * We must reject the thought of Saint Paul who said, “let the woman marry in silence." ** [[Shirley Chisholm]], [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/shirley-chisholm-first-black-woman-congress-presidential-candidate-speech-1294152/ Speech] (1972) * For St. Paul, the [[diversity]] of [[creation]] is less [[important]] than the [[unity]] of the creator. For me, it is the other way round. I do not [[know]] or particularly care whether the same [[God]] is working [[The All|all in all]]. I care deeply for the diversity of his working. ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''Infinite in All Directions'' (1988) commenting on [[#1Corinth12:4-11|1 Corinthians 12:4-6]] * Now as Paul was saying these things in his defense, Festus said in a loud voice: “You are going out of your mind, Paul! Great learning is driving you out of your mind! ** Festus, [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/acts/26/ Acts 26:24] * The ninth chapter [of [[Acts of the Apostles|Acts]]] shows us the new step of sovereign grace in the conversion of Saul to be the witness of an ascended Christ, Who owns the saints as part of Himself, and calls the persecutor to be His chosen vessel to bear His name before Gentiles, kings, and children of Israel, the deepest in truth, the largest in heart, the most abundant in labour of all the apostles. No wonder the gospel of Christ's glory marked him, who first saw and heard the Lord thus; yet a simple disciple baptised him who forthwith, in the synagogues, preached Jesus as the Son of God. ** [[w:William Kelly (Bible scholar)|William Kelly]], ''God's Inspiration of the Scriptures'' (1903), §32 : The Acts of the Apostles, pp. 363-364<!-- London --> * Not disobedient to the heavenly vision, he was standing to this day to the call of God everywhere, which drew on him the hatred of the Jews, yet was it in full accord with what Moses and the prophets said should be. ... Arrived at the great city [<nowiki/>[[Rome]]] Paul was suffered to abide by himself with the soldier that guarded him, and after three days called together the chief of the Jews, and explained the strange fact that for the hope of Israel he was a prisoner through Jewish accusation. ** [[w:William Kelly (Bible scholar)|William Kelly]], ''God's Inspiration of the Scriptures'' (1903), §32 : The Acts of the Apostles (chap. xxvi & last), p. 374-375 *A split, the first and probably the most important of many [[Schismatic|schisms]] in Christianity, occurred between Jesus' disciples Peter and Paul. Paul, whose original name was Saul, and Peter, who was originally named Simon, were both Jewish. But Paul, unlike Peter, was not one of Jesus' entourage and never knew him. While Peter was a [[Fishing|fisherman]] in [[w:Galilee|Galilee]], Paul was a religious scholar from [[w:Asia Minor|Asia Minor]]. And yet it was Peter, the fisherman, who wanted the followers of Jesus to remain Jewish and apply Jesus' teaching to the perfection of Judaism. Paul, the Hebraic scholar, wanted to open up Christianity to the world, pursuing converts wherever they were found, a most un-Jewish approach. Under Paul's influence the Christians moved further away from the body of Judaism, further away from everyone. They became an odd and distinct [[cult]] on the outer margins of society, uncompromisingly dedicated to [[pacifism]]. Even the pious and spartan Jewish [[sect]] known as the [[Essenes]] did not entirely denounce [[Weapon|weapons]]. **[[Mark Kurlansky]], ''Nonviolence: The History of a Dangerous Idea'' (2006), ISBN 9780679643357 * Commenting on Saint Paul's words, “the Spirit [also] helpeth our infirmity...” [Rom 8:26], the great [[w:Discalced Augustinians|Carmelitan]] theologian [[w:Thomas of Jesus|Thomas of Jesus]] writes: “These words clearly refer to the particular motion or aid of the [[Holy Spirit]], and point to the need we have of it. ... It is the gifts of the Holy Spirit which make the soul promptly docile, entirely free, capable of overcoming difficulties, and wholly occupied with God in prayer and [[contemplation]]. This effect can not be produced even by the infused virtue of religion, nor by the [[virtue|theological virtues]] by themselves." This is as much to say that the life of perfection is an inspired life, and therefore a life which&mdash;perhaps in secret&mdash;infused contemplation nourishes and sustains. ** [[Jacques Maritain|Jacques]] and Raïssa Maritain, ''Liturgy and Contemplation'' (1960), Ch. VI, p. 21 * Not only did this apostle refuse to recognize the religious differences between the parties of Peter, Apollos, Paul, and Christ, but — what is more important — he showed his converts that in Christ there can be neither Jew nor Greek, male nor female, bond nor free, and that with God there is no respect of persons. Recognizing the diversity of gifts he resisted the ever-present tendency to find in diversity the excuse of division. ** [[H. Richard Niebuhr]], ''The Social Sources of Denominationalism'' (1929) *Saint [[Pope Leo I|Leo the Great]] (like other Fathers of the Church) goes so far as to '''call the two holy Apostles, with a wonderful image, the eyes of the mystical body, of which Christ is the head''' (Serm. LXXXII, chap. 7 – Migne, P. L., t. 54, col. 427). Bright and splendid eyes, paternal and merciful eyes, kind and watchful eyes, eyes that follow our spiritual journey, eyes that look down to encourage and animate, and up to intercede and implore grace for those who are still weary from the dangerous and harsh storm of life. **[[Pope Pius XII]], General Audience of [https://www.vatican.va/content/pius-xii/it/audiences/1939/documents/hf_p-xii_aud_19390628.html June 28, 1939]. * Therefore, beloved, since you await these things, be eager to be found without spot or blemish before [the Lord], at peace. And consider the patience of our Lord as salvation, as our beloved brother Paul, according to the wisdom given to him, also wrote to you, speaking of these things as he does in all his letters. In them there are some things hard to understand that the ignorant and unstable distort to their own destruction, just as they do the other scriptures. Therefore, beloved, since you are forewarned, be on your guard not to be led into the error of the unprincipled and to fall from your own stability. But grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory now and to the day of eternity. Amen. ** [[Saint Peter]], [http://www.usccb.org/bible/2peter/3 2 Peter 3:14-18] (c. 64 CE) * [[Sex]] and [[marriage]] occupied far more prominent places in St. Paul's writings than they did in the [[gospels]], and Paul became far and away the most influential authority in shaping early Christian treatments of these issues. Paul treated sexual behavior as one of the major sources of [[sin]]. Indeed, he thought that illicit sex was as serious a moral offense as [[murder]]. In his writings about sex, Paul developed an implicit theory of sexual sin that distinguished four types of offenders: [[prostitutes]], [[adulterers]], what he called "the softies" (1 Corinthians 6:10), that is people who used sex primarily as a source of [[pleasure]], and men (but perhaps not women, since he did not mention them) who had sex with one another. <br> [[Marriage]] in Paul's view, was good, but considerably less good than [[virginity]], for a Christian. He taught that marital sex joined husband and wife together both physically and spiritually. It made them two in one flesh, just as a Christian's spiritual union with Jesus joined two persons in a single spirit. Precisely because martial sex was tinged with the sacred, any type of extramarital sex in Paul's view was worthy of [[damnation]]. ** [https://books.google.com/books?id=aDhOv6hgN2IC ''Women and Gender in Medieval Europe: An Encyclopedia''], edited by Margaret Schaus, Routledge, (2006), “Biblical Teaching”, p. 751 * No sooner had [[Jesus]] knocked over the [[dragon]] of [[superstition]] than Paul boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus. ** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913) * Paul was undeniably sincere. He believed that in reinterpreting the Christian faith so as to make it acceptable to the Romans he was doing that faith a service. His make-up was [[Empire|imperial]] rather than [[Democracy|democratic]]. Both by birth and training he was unfitted to enter into the [[Working class|working-class]] [[consciousness]] of Galileans. He was in culture a [[Greece|Hellenist]], in religion a [[Pharisees|Pharisee]], in [[citizenship]] a [[w:Roman citizenship|Roman]]. From the first strain, Hellenism, he received a bias in the direction of [[philosophy]] rather than [[economics]]; from the second, his Pharisaism, he received a bias toward aloofness, otherworldliness; and from the third, his Romanism, he received a bias toward political acquiescence and the preservation of the [[status quo]]. ** [[Bouck White]], ''The Call of the Carpenter'' (1914), p. 227 * It was the test of loyal citizenship among the Romans to seek out in every part of the world that which was most rare and valued, and bring it back to Rome as a gift. Thus her sons went forth and returned laden with richest trophies to lay at her feet. They brought to her pearls from [[India]], gold chariots from [[Babylon]], [[elephants]] from interior [[Africa]], high-breasted [[Virginity|virgins]] from the [[w:Greek isles|Greek isles]], Phidian marbles from [[Athens]]. Paul also would be a bringer of gifts to the Rome that had honored him and his fathers with the high honor of citizenship. And the gift he would bring and lay at her feet would be the richest of them all—a religion. ** [[Bouck White]], ''The Call of the Carpenter'' (1914), p. 229 * To [[Jesus|the Carpenter]], with his splendid worldliness, the premier qualification for character was self-respect, and the alertness and mastery of environment which go with self-respect. But to Paul the primate virtue is [[Servitude|submissiveness]]—"the powers that be!" He sought to cure the seditiousness of the working class by drawing off their gaze to a crown of righteousness reserved in heaven for them—a gaseous felicity beyond the stars. ** [[Bouck White]], ''The Call of the Carpenter'' (1914), p. 237 * A good degree of the anger of the high-status Corinthians with Paul seems to have come from his refusal of patronage. ... To accept patronage would place an obstacle in the way of the gospel of free grace, for it would mean he was not offering it free of charge. ... Paul wanted to be free to identify with people up and down the social ladder, and working with his hands was one way to identify with those considered by the upper echelon of society to be "less honorable" or "weak." ** [[w:Ben Witherington III|Ben Witherington III]], '' The Acts of the Apostles: A Socio-Rhetorical Commentary'' (1997), p. 548 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons|Paul of Tarsus}} {{Wikisource author|Paul of Tarsus}} {{Wiktionary|Pauline conversion}} * [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Catholic_Encyclopedia_(1913)/St._Paul Catholic Encyclopedia: St. Paul], 1913 * [http://pauliscatholic.com Catholic Perspective on Paul] * [http://www.zenit.org/rssenglish-20538 Documentary film on Apostle Paul] * [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/1911_Encyclop%C3%A6dia_Britannica/Paul,_the_Apostle Encyclopædia Britannica: Paul, the Apostle], 1911 * [http://www.biblestudy.org/maps/pauls-first-journey-map.html Maps of Paul's three missionary journeys and final captive journey] * [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/religion/first/missions.html Paul's mission and letters] From PBS Frontline series on the earliest Christians. * [http://www.cattoliciromani.com/forum/showthread.php/iconografia_paolo_tarso-18221.html Representations of Saint Paul] * [http://www.earlychristians.org/docs_interest/saint_paul_year.html Saint Paul of Tarsus: the true story] * [http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/447019/Saint-Paul-the-Apostle "Saint Paul, the Apostle"] Encyclopædia Britannica Online. 2009. * [http://spindleworks.com/library/rfaber/aratus.htm The Apostle and the Poet: Paul and Aratus] Dr. Riemer Faber * [http://www.parsagard.com/shipwreck.htm The Apostle Paul's Shipwreck: An Historical Examination of Acts 27 and 28] * [http://www.bib-arch.org/bar/article.asp?PubID=BSBA&Volume=37&Issue=1&ArticleID=10 Why Paul Went West: The Differences Between the Jewish Diaspora] Biblical Archaeology Review [[Category:Christian leaders]] [[Category:Founders of religions]] [[Category:Spiritual teachers]] [[Category:Jews]] [[Category:People from Rome]] [[Category:Prisoners]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors|Paul of Tarsus]] [[Category:Theologians from Rome]] [[Category:Mystics]] [[Category:Saints]] [[Category:1st century births]] [[Category:1st century deaths]] [[Category:Martyrs]] [[Category:Executed people]] lccq7ilj1mw4l2gp075lescldbdlbh3 0 48846 3955179 3945548 2026-06-22T00:58:59Z TheReal14thGamer 3304476 /* Dialogue */ typo fix with Bowler Hat Guy's name 3955179 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Meet the Robinsons|Meet the Robinsons]]''''' is a [[w:2007 in film|2007]] [[w:CGI|CGI-animated]] family film produced by Walt Disney Pictures about an inventive orphan boy named Lewis, whose world is changed when a boy named Wilbur takes him on a trip to the future to meet his family, the Robinsons. It was released in theaters on March 30, 2007, a month after ''[[Bridge to Terabithia (2007 film)|Bridge to Terabithia]]'', and three months before [[w:Pixar Animation Studios|Pixar]]'s ''[[Ratatouille]]''. :''Directed by [[w:Stephen Anderson (artist)|Stephen Anderson]]. Written by [[w:Don Hall (filmmaker)|Don Hall]] and [[w:Nathan Greno|Nathan Greno]].'' {{center|'''If you think your family's different, wait 'til you meet the family of the future.'''}} == Dialogue == :''[Lewis is being interviewed by the Harringtons for adoption]'' :'''Lewis''': I mean, there's so many things in the world that can be improved. Just think of it. Moving sidewalks, flying cars. The possibilities are endless. :'''Mr. Harrington''': ''[looking over the drawings in Lewis' notebook with his wife]'' Flying cars? Yeah, that's a good one. :'''Lewis''': All it takes is some imagination and a little science, and we can make the world a better place. :'''Mr. Harrington''': Well, these are all interesting ideas. so, what's your favorite sport? :'''Lewis''': Well, does inventing count as a sport? :'''Mr. Harrington''': Actually... :'''Lewis''': 'Cause I think I hit a home run with this one! ''[takes out his PB and J gun]'' :'''Mr. Harrington''': What is that? :'''Lewis''': First, a question. What's the number one problem that you face when you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? :'''Mr. Harrington''': Lewis, I don't think we... :'''Lewis''': Portion control. Too much peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth, takes forever to chew. Too much jelly squishes out the sides and makes your hands all sticky. Well, I propose that the perfect PB and J is within mankind's grasp, and I've built this machine to achieve it. For this demonstration,[bread on his plate] I'll use regular bread. :'''Mrs. Harrington''': Honey, it's okay. :'''Lewis''': As you can see, toasting is an option. :'''Mrs. Harrington''': ''[uncomfortably]'' We don't usually eat peanut butter. ''[Lewis uses his machine to swirl the peanut butter and jelly together onto the slice of bread]'' Lewis, this is really not necessary. :'''Lewis''': ''[as his invention jams]'' It's jammed! :'''Mrs. Harrington''': Lewis, please, don't! :'''Lewis''': ''[accidentally fires peanut butter and jelly all over the Harringtons]'' Oops. ''[Mr. Harrington's face starts to swell up due to an allergic reaction to peanuts. It’s anaphylaxis!]'' What's happening?! :'''Mrs. Harrington''': Mr. Harrington has a peanut allergy! :'''Lewis''': ''[screams]'' I'm sorry! Here let me help you get that off! :'''Mrs. Harrington''': ''[takes out an allergy vaccine from her purse]'' STAND BACK! ''[injects the vaccine into her husband's leg]'' :'''Lewis''': Is he going to be okay? :'''Mrs. Harrington''': Breathe. Breathe. :'''Lewis''': I'm so sorry! I didn't know! :'''Mrs. Harrington''': It was really nice to meet you. We're gonna need some time to think about it. ''[closes the door as she and her husband leave the room]'' :''[Lewis peeks behind the door and watches]'' :'''Mildred''': Hi, folks. Everything all... ''[gasps in horrified shock]'' What happened?! :'''Mrs. Harrington''': Miss Duffy, that boy is definitely not right for us. Now, if you'll excuse me. :'''Mildred''': ''[stammering]'' I'm so sorry about this. If you would just... :''[The door slams closed; Lewis looks down with grief; Later… Mildred finds Lewis on the rooftop, sitting behind a crate]'' :'''Mildred''': I made some lunch. :'''Lewis''': I'm not hungry. :'''Mildred''': Poor Mr. Harrington. :'''Lewis''': ''[alarmed]'' I ''KILLED'' HIM?! :'''Mildred''': No. No! No, you didn't kill him. I called. He's perfectly fine. ''[Lewis sighs in relief]'' I was just gonna say that it's... It's too bad he didn't get to try a sandwich from that wonderful invention of yours. :'''Lewis''': Yeah, real wonderful. :'''Mildred''': It's not you. We just haven't found the right couple yet. :'''Lewis''': 124. :'''Mildred''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Lewis''': That's how many adoption interviews I've had, 124. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Willerstein''': Dr. Krunklehorn, I know you're very busy there at Inventco Labs, and we're just so excited to have you as a judge. :'''Dr. Krunklehorn''': It's my pleasure, Mr. Willerstein. Hey, you never know. One of your students may invent the next integrated circuit, microprocessor, or integrated circuit. ''[stops Mr. Willerstein, realizing something]'' Oh, wait! I said that already. Well, I just don't get out of that lab very much. ''[looks down at Mr. Willerstein's bow tie he's wearing]'' Is that a bow tie? I like bow ties. I haven't slept in 8 days! :'''Mr. Willerstein''': Well, can I offer you a cot or something? :'''Dr. Krunklehorn''': Nope. ''[places a sticker with a picture of a coffee mug on Mr. Willerstein's forehead]'' I've got the caffeine patch. I invented it myself. One patch is the equivalent to twelve cups of coffee. You can stay awake for days with no side effects. ''[screams]'' Sorry. Who's this? :'''Mr. Willerstein''': This is one of our students, Stanley Pukowski. :''[A boy named Stanley Pukowski. He wears a white clothes in a toga, waves to them with his project of a model of Mount Vesuvius]'' :'''Dr. Krucklehorn''': Oh, so cute! I just want to bite his chubby little cheeks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur''': ''[pulls Lewis under the blanket of his Memory Scanner]'' Have you been approached by a tall man in a bowler hat? :'''Lewis''': What? :'''Wilbur''': Hey, hey. ''I'll'' ask the questions here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': ''[clears throat]'' Have you ever forgotten something, and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't remember it? Well, what happens to these forgotten memories? I propose they're stored somewhere in your brain, and I built a machine that can retrieve them. I call it… the Memory Scanner! ''[pulls off the blanket, revealing his invention]'' :'''Dr. Krucklehorn''': It's shiny! :'''Mr. Willerstein''': So, Lewis, how does the Memory Scanner work? :'''Lewis''': (Simple.) First, you input the desired period of time on this keypad. Then, a laser scans the cerebral cortex where memories are stored. The retrieved memory is then displayed on this monitor. :'''Dr. Krucklehorn''': Wrap him up. I'll take two. :'''Lewis''': Now, I'm going back twelve years, three months and eleven days. ''[inputs the desired time period on the keypad]'' :'''Coach''': Why that particular day? You didn't think I was paying attention, did you? :'''Lewis''': Well, that was the day… Let's just say that was a very important day of my life. :'''Coach''': Fair enough. Play ball. :'''Lewis''': ''[starting up his invention]'' It'll just take a second to get the turbines going. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[first words]'' Come, my dear. Our future awaits. ''[places the Memory Scanner in the wagon and carries it away; laughing evilly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': Would you quit that, please? I know you're not a pigeon. :'''Wilbur''': ''[quickly covers Lewis' mouth]'' You're blowing my cover! :'''Lewis''': We're the only ones up here. :'''Wilbur''': That's just what they want you to think. Now, enough moping. Take this back to the science fair and fix that Memory Scanner. :'''Lewis''': Stop! Stop! Get away from me! :'''Wilbur''': Maybe you've forgotten, I'm a time cop from the future. It should be taken very seriously. :'''Lewis''': ''[swipes the "badge" out of Wilbur's hand]'' That's no badge. This is a coupon for a tanning salon! You're a fake. :'''Wilbur''': Okay, you got me. I'm not a cop, but I really am from the future, and there really is this Bowler Hat Guy! :'''Lewis''': ''[groans]'' Here we go again. :'''Wilbur''': He stole a time machine, came to the science fair, and ruined your project. :'''Lewis''': My project didn't work because I'm no good. There is no Bowler Hat Guy, there is no time machine, and you're not from the future! YOU'RE CRAZY! :'''Wilbur''': ''[exclaims]'' I am not crazy! :'''Lewis''': Oh, yeah, Captain Time Travel? Prove it. :'''Wilbur''': Uh… um… :'''Lewis''': Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm just gonna go lock myself in my room and hide under the covers for a couple years. :'''Wilbur''': ''[blocks his way when an idea pops into his head]'' If I prove to you that I'm from the future, will you go back to the science fair? :'''Lewis''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, sure, whatever you say. ''[Wilbur takes it as a "yes" and pushes him to the edge of the roof]'' Hey, let go of me! What are you doing? Let go of me! :'''Wilbur''': Okay! ''[pushes Lewis off the roof]'' :'''Lewis''': ''[screaming; stops in midair; Wilbur presses a button, and a time machine appears]'' What is this? Where are we going? :'''Wilbur''': To the future! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur''': ''[showing Lewis the amazing sights of the futuristic city as they time traveled to the future]'' (Well, what do you think?) Is this proof enough for you? :'''Lewis''': ''[amazed]'' Is it ever! I never thought that time travel could be possible in my lifetime, and (now) here it is, right in front of me! :'''Wilbur''': The truth will set you free, brother. :'''Lewis''': This is beyond anything I could've imagined. This means I could really change my life. :'''Wilbur''': That's right, you can. Next stop, science fair to fix your Memory Scanner. :'''Lewis''': ''[realizing]'' Hey, I'm not gonna fix that stupid Memory Scanner. :'''Wilbur''': ''[screeches the time machine to a stop, having to have heard that; shocked]'' WHAT?! :'''Lewis''': Wilbur, this is a time machine! Why should I fix my dumb invention when you can take me to see my mom now, in this ship? :'''Wilbur''': Uh... um... :'''Lewis''': I could actually go back to that night, and stop her from giving me up. :'''Wilbur''': The answer is not a time machine. ''[holds up the drawing of the Memory Scanner]'' It's this! :'''Lewis''': ''This?'' You want to know what I think about this? ''[rips up the drawing]'' :'''Wilbur''': What are you doing?! :'''Lewis''': ''[takes off his seatbelt and moves up to take the wheel]'' I'm sorry, Wilbur, but you don't know what I've lived through. :'''Wilbur''': Lewis, no! :''[The boys start fighting over the steering wheel]'' :'''Lewis''': Let go! :'''Wilbur''': You let go! :'''Lewis''': You're not the boss of me! :'''Wilbur''': Yes, I am! 'Cause you're 12 and I'm 13! That makes me older! :'''Lewis''': Well, I was born in the past, which makes ''me'' older and the boss of ''you! [accidentally rips off the steering wheel]'' :''[The time machine crashes into a building, damaging one of its wings; the boys scream while bracing for impact and they crash into a green hill outside the city]'' :'''Wilbur''': ''[holds up the steering wheel; horrified]'' I am ''so'' dead. ''[he and Lewis exit the destroyed time machine]'' I'm not allowed to look at this thing, let alone drive it! Mom and Dad are gonna kill me, and I can tell you this, it will not be done with mercy! :'''Lewis''': Isn't there like a time machine repair shop or something? :'''Wilbur''': No! There's only '''''two''''' time machines in existence, and the Bowler Hat Guy has the other one. :'''Lewis''': Well, ''somebody's'' gonna have to fix this. :'''Wilbur''': Good idea! You're smart. You fix it. :'''Lewis''': ''[baffled]'' Are you crazy?! I can't fix this thing. :'''Wilbur''': Yes, you can. You broke it, you fix it. :'''Lewis''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' Alright, under ''one'' condition. I fix it, ''you'' take me back to see my mom. :'''Wilbur''': What?! You didn't even follow through on our last deal! How can I trust you? :'''Lewis''': Well, ''you'' told me you were a time cop from the future. How can I trust ''you?'' :'''Wilbur''': ''[pauses]'' Touchè. :'''Lewis''': So, do we have a deal? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur''': ''[as he and Lewis push the destroyed time machine]'' We'll sneak this thing into the garage. You'll have all the tools you need. :'''Lewis''': What about your parents? :'''Wilbur''': Mom never goes in there, and Dad's on a business trip until tomorrow morning. You've got till then to fix it. :'''Lewis''': Well, fine, but I'm gonna need some blueprints or something for this. :'''Wilbur''': No worries. I got someone who can help us with that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur''': ''[puts a fruit hat on Lewis' head after Carl the robot runs away, sucked up the travel tube when he saw him]'' If my family finds out I brought you from the past, they'll bury me alive, and dance on my grave. I'm ''not'' exaggerating! Well... Yes, I am, but not the point! The point is, your hair's a dead giveaway! :'''Lewis''': ''[confused]'' Why would my hair be a dead giveaway? :'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question! ''[runs off]'' :'''Lewis''': Wait, where are you going? :'''Wilbur''': Another excellent question! ''[runs under the travel tube and is sucked up]'' :'''Lewis''': But I don't just want to sit here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': What do you mean, don't go to the family? How can we not go to the family in this time of family crisis? By leaving the garage door unlocked, you let the time machine get stolen, and now the entire time stream could be altered! That and someone took my bike. :'''Wilbur''': Look, I told you. It's gonna all work out. First, we keep Lewis in the garage away from everybody. I show up and give him the pep talk of the century. Then he fixes the time machine. :'''Carl''': Why is it an acorn? :'''Wilbur''': I didn't have time to sculpt everything. Okay, now, the time machine is fixed. His confidence in inventing is restored. He goes back to the science fair, fixes his Memory Scanner, thus restoring the space-time continuum. :'''Carl''': What about taking him back to see his mom? :'''Wilbur''': I just told him that to buy some time. :'''Carl''': Oh, yeah, can't see that one blowing up in your face. :'''Wilbur''': Trust me. I got it under control. Wilbur Robinson never fails. But on the slight chance that I do... :'''Carl''': "On the slight chance," yeah. You know what? I'll run the numbers. :'''Wilbur''': What is it? :'''Carl''': Well, it's not. It doesn't pertain to anything in. You know, there's not necessarily, there's a 99.999999% chance that you won't exist. :'''Wilbur''': What? :'''Carl''': And I didn't want to tell you, but I did. :'''Wilbur''': I won't exist? :'''Carl''': And where does that leave me? Alone, rusting in a corner. :'''Wilbur''': What am I worried about? Now, blueprints? :'''Carl''': If this thing ever blows over, I really gotta get away from you and get some quiet time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Bud''': ''[cheerfully when Lewis runs and bumps into him from behind]'' Well, hey there, little fella! Now, I know what you're thinking, and my clothes are not on backwards. My head is! ''[laughing]'' Oh, I used to tell that one to my science students. They didn't laugh, either. Anywho, what's your name, fruit-head? :'''Lewis''': Well, Lewis, but... :'''Grandpa Bud''': Lewis, huh? Well, say, Lewis, you haven't seen any teeth around here, have you? :'''Lewis''': Teeth? :'''Grandpa Bud''': Yeah, my teeth. ''[Lewis exclaims in disgust]'' Been digging holes all day. Can't find them anywhere. :'''Lewis''': All right, look, old man, I need to get back to the garage. Wilbur left me down there, and I wasn't supposed to leave, and these monsters attacked me on the porch and... :'''Grandpa Bud''': Monsters? There's no monsters on the porch, you ninny. :'''Lewis''': Listen to me! :'''Grandpa Bud''': Of course, I also didn't think there was a woodchuck living on my arm, and lookie there! Hope he ain't got rabies. :'''Lewis''': Old man, I need to get to the garage! :'''Grandpa Bud''': Well, sure, I'll get you there in a jiffy. I know a shortcut! ''[they enter the living room instead]'' Welcome to the garage! Well, I'm completely lost. :'''Aunt Billie''': Hiya, Grandpa! :'''Grandpa Bud''': Hey, Aunt Billie. Lewis and I are looking for the garage. :'''Gaston''': We have a garage? :'''Grandpa Bud''': Apparently so. :'''Gaston''': Lewis, will you give me a hand and time my race? ''[gives Lewis a stopwatch]'' :'''Aunt Billie''': Okay, Gaston, my toy train's ready for ya! :''[A big toy train appears]'' :'''Lewis''': ''That's'' a toy train? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tallulah''': Laszlo, you stop painting my hat, or I'm telling Ma! :'''Laszlo''': Ah, lighten up, sis. :'''Tallulah''': Lasz, I mean it! :'''Fritz''': Children, please! Your mother is trying to take a nap. :'''Petunia''': What is all the yelling out here?! :'''Tallulah''': ''[in unison]'' He started it! :'''Laszlo''': ''[in unison]'' She started it! :'''Petunia''': I don't want to hear any more! :'''Fritz''': Now, sweetie. :'''Petunia''': ''[savagely slaps him in the face]'' Don't you "sweetie" me! I'm going for a drive. ''[the sound of a car roars away]'' :'''Grandpa Bud''': That's strange. She usually takes the Harley. :'''Wilbur''': ''[popping out of the bathroom toilet]'' Lewis?! :'''Grandpa Bud''': Ooh, I bet my wife, Lucille's baking cookies. ''[opens the door, revealing Lucille dancing on the dance floor]'' Bake them cookies, Lucille! :'''Lewis''': Why is your dog wearing glasses? :'''Grandpa Bud''': Oh, because his insurance won't pay for contacts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Bud''': Hey, Lefty, any idea how to get to the garage? Well, that's true. We didn't ask her yet. :'''Lewis''': Who? :'''Grandpa Bud''': Wilbur's mom, Franny. I think you'll like her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur''': ''[after Lewis bumps into him while running away from the Robinsons]'' Lewis, I told you to stay in the garage! :'''Lewis''': I did, but I went up the tube, and I ran into your family and I-- :'''Wilbur''': ''[panicked stammering]'' '''''You met my family?!''''' ''[grabs him by the ear and drags him away into a dark room; turns on the light]'' Pop quiz. Who have you met, and what have you learned? :'''Lewis''': Okay. Bud, Fritz, and Joe are brothers. Fritz is married to Petunia, and is she…? ''[makes hand-puppet gesture]'' :'''Wilbur''': Cranky? Yes. :'''Lewis''': Tallulah and Lazslo are their children, Joe is married to Billie, Lefty is the butler, Spike and Dimitri are twins, and I don't know who they're related to. :'''Wilbur''': Neither do we. Go on. :'''Lewis''': Lucille is married to Bud, and your dad, Cornelius, is their son. ''[pause; curiously]'' What does Cornelius look like? :'''Wilbur''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' [[w:Tom Selleck|Tom Selleck]]. :'''Lewis''': ''[beat]'' Okay, Cornelius is married to Franny, and her brothers are Gaston and Art. :'''Wilbur''': You're forgetting something. :'''Lewis''': Forgetting-? Oh, right! Lewis and Wilbur are the sons of Franny and Cornelius. :'''Wilbur''': And nobody realized that you were from the past? :'''Lewis''': Nope. ''[Wilbur sighs with relief]'' Thank you, thank you! Hold your applause, thank you very much.[Turn off the lights] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': ''[to Wilbur while fixing the time machine]'' I don't even know what I'm doing. :'''Wilbur''': ''[scrubs the hatch with a sponge]'' Keep moving forward. :'''Lewis''': I mean, this stuff is way too advanced for me. :'''Wilbur''': ''[fixes the top of his hair]'' Keep moving forward. :'''Lewis''': And what if I can't fix this, what are we gonna do? :'''Wilbur''': ''[checks his teeth]'' Keep moving forward. :'''Lewis''': Why do you keep saying that? And don't just say "keep moving forward". :'''Wilbur''': It's my dad's motto. :'''Lewis''': Why would his motto be "keep moving forward"? :'''Wilbur''': It's what he does. :'''Lewis''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question. Robinson Industries, the world's leading scientific research and design factory. My dad runs the company. They mass produce his inventions. His motto: "Keep moving forward". It's what he does. :'''Lewis''': What has he invented? :'''Wilbur''': Everything. Carl, the time machine, the travel tubes. :'''Lewis''': Your dad invented the time machine? :'''Wilbur''': Yep. Five years ago, Dad wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Wants to build a time machine. So, he starts working! We're talking plans, we're talking scale models, we're talking prototypes! ''[shows Lewis a small scrap of metal]'' :'''Lewis''': ''That's'' a prototype? :'''Wilbur''': The very first… Or, what's left of it. :'''Lewis''': Yikes. :'''Wilbur''': Yeah. Dark day at the Robinson house. Prototypes 2 and 3, not much better. Number 6, 58, 212, 485, 952, and they all end the same way. ''[holds up three signs of the word "Failure", a frowny face, and a toilet; shakes Lewis]'' But he doesn't give up! ''[pauses; looks at the fruit hat]'' Dude, I can't take you seriously in that hat. ''[Lewis is now wearing a cap]'' He keeps working and working until finally, he gets it. The first working time machine. Then, he keeps working and working until finally, he gets it again. The second working time machine. :'''Lewis''': Kind of small. :'''Wilbur''': I'm assuming that's a joke. I'm ignoring you for time reasons. This, my friend, is merely a model, because unfortunately, time machine #2… is in the hands of the Bowler Hat Guy. Pretty amazing story, huh? :'''Lewis''': Yeah. :'''Wilbur''': Now, are you ready to start working? :'''Lewis''': I think that's it. I did it! :'''Wilbur''': I knew you could. Nice work, my friend. ''[The time machine flies up, but falls, broken again, and covers him and Lewis in soot]'' Well, you know what they say! "Keep moving…" :'''Lewis''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' DON'T SAY IT! ''[sighs]'' :'''Franny''': ''[on intercom] Boys, dinner time!'' :'''Wilbur''': Not now, Mom. :'''Franny''': ''If you aren't up here in five minutes, I'm gonna come down and get you.'' :''[The boys look at the broken time machine, fearing that Franny will come down and see it, and realize they can't let that happen]'' :'''Wilbur''': We'd better get up there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Art''': Reminds me of the time my meatball pizza staved off civil war on the black moon of Keward. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gaston''': Where are you from, Lewis? :'''Lewis''': ''[awkwardly]'' Canada? :'''Tallulah''': I think you mean North Montana. Hasn't been called Canada in years. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gaston''': And so, it begins. Ready, aim... FIRE! ''[fires a meatball at Franny in the cheek]'' :'''Franny''': Ha. Surely that is not the best you can do. ''[sound doesn't match her lips]'' :'''Gaston''': Impressive, little sister. Your skills are strong, but not strong enough. :'''Franny''': Your words do not threaten me, brother. :'''Gaston''': Then enough words. Now the real battle begins. :'''Franny''': Your meatballs are useless against me. :'''Gaston''': Then perhaps it's time for spicy Italian sausage. :'''Franny''': ''[gasps]'' No! ''[After above scene]'' :'''Lewis''': Is dinner like this every night? :'''Art''': No. Yesterday we had meatloaf. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl is having trouble with the malfunctioning PB and J gun, just like the one Lewis made after an incident with the Harringtons]'' :'''Wilbur''': Just what the doctor ordered. ''[drags Lewis over]'' My friend Lewis is an inventor. He can fix it. :'''Lewis''': Wilbur, you know I can't. :'''Grandma Lucille''': Oh, come on. Give it a try! :'''Art''': You don't understand what's at stake here. Uncle Joe's seen the toast! :'''Grandpa Bud''': We're past the point of no return! :'''Aunt Billie''': ''[comfort husband as he's going under pressure]'' If he doesn't get PB and J. :'''Petunia''': We all pay! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Ah, yes! You are now under my control! :'''Frankie''': I am now under your control. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[evil laughs; Frankie does monotone laughing]'' Stop laughing! :'''Frankie''': Stop laughing. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Don't repeat everything I say! :'''Frankie''': I won't repeat everything you say. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Excellent! :'''Frankie''': Excellent. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Uh, did you just say "excellent" because I said "excellent"?! :'''Frankie''': ''[lying]'' Uh, no. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Excellent! :'''Frankie''': Excellent. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Did you not hear what I say you idiot?! Grab the boy and bring him! :'''Frankie''': Well, it's just that, there's a lot of people over there, and I have little arms. I'm just not so sure how well this plan was thought through. ''[Bowler Hat Guy is dumbfounded]'' Master? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': What's going on?! Why aren't you seizing the boy?! :'''Tyrannosaur''': ''[in dinosaur language]'' I have a big head and little arms. I'm just not so sure how well this plan was thought through. Master? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[dumbfounded once again]'' Ugh, stupid, stupid, stupid! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Little Doris now sleeps with the fishies. :''[Doris takes the monitor out of his hands and smacks him in the head with it in rage]'' :'''Wilbur''': Nice catch. :'''Lewis''': Nice meatball shooting! Guess we made a pretty good team, huh? :'''Wilbur''': Yeah, guess we did. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': ''[after Wilbur knocks the hat off his head, revealing his hair and secret to the Robinsons]'' Okay, it's true. I'm from the past. Now you know the big secret. :'''Franny''': Wilbur, what have you done? How could you bring ''him '''here?!''''' :'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question. :'''Lewis''': Please, don't get mad at Wilbur. He was just being a good friend. :'''Franny''': Lewis, I am so sorry, but you have to go. :'''Lewis''': ''[upset]'' What? You just said. :'''Franny''': I know what I said. :'''Lewis''': I'm from the past. So what? :'''Franny''': Lewis. Lewis, look at me. You're... You're a great kid, and we would never do anything to hurt you, but I'm sorry. You have to go back to your own time. :'''Wilbur''': Yeah, about that, um... one of the time machines is broken, and the other one was stolen by a guy with a bowler hat, which, uhh... kind of explains the dino. :''[The Robinsons all look at the Tyrannosaurus Rex]'' :'''Franny''': ''[disappointedly]'' I'm calling your father. ''[about to walk back inside]'' :'''Lewis''': Wait. If I have to leave, can I at least go back and find my mom? Wilbur promised. :'''Franny''': ''[annoyed]'' You promised what? :'''Wilbur''': I was never gonna do it. I swear. ''[gasps as he covers his mouth with his hand]'' :'''Lewis''': ''[shocked and hurt]'' You lied to me? :'''Wilbur''': ''[denies]'' No. ''[nervously smiles for a brief second, and admits, nodding his head]'' Yes. ''[Lewis grunts angrily over being deceived and starts to storm off]'' Lewis! Lewis, wait! :'''Lewis''': ''[enraged]'' I can't believe I was dumb enough to actually believe you were my friend! ''[resumes running off in heartbreak]'' :'''Wilbur''': I am your friend! :'''Franny''': ''[sternly to Wilbur]'' Mister, you're grounded till you die. ''[They are walks back inside the house along with the other Robinsons]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Oh, yes, Doris, it ''is'' a shame. All he wants to do is go back in time to meet the mother he never knew, but they won't let him. We'd let him, though. Too bad we don't have a time machine. Oh, wait, we do. :'''Lewis''': Bowler Hat Guy? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Hello, Lewis. :'''Lewis''': What do you want? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': To make your dream come true. All you have to do is put Humpy Dumpty back together again, and we'll take you back to find your mommy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': Why are you doing this to me? I never did anything to you. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[amused]'' You ''still'' haven't figured it out! :'''Lewis''': Figured out what? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Let's see if this rings a bell. Father of the future, inventor extraordinaire, "Keep moving forward"? :'''Lewis''': That's not ''me'', that's Wilbur's dad. ''[Bowler Hat Guy stares at him expectantly. Lewis' eyes go wide in realization]'' Are you saying… ''I'm'' Wilbur's… Dad? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Oh, give the boy a prize! ''You'' grow up to be the founder of this wretched time. So, I plan to destroy your [[destiny]]! Easy-peasy, rice and cheesy! :'''Lewis''': ''[flabbergasted]'' Wait. So, if ''I'm'' Wilbur's dad. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Keep going. :'''Lewis''': Uh, if ''I'm'' Wilbur's dad. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[irritated]'' Yes, thank you, we've ''established'' that! :'''Lewis''': But... What does it have to do with you? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Ah-ha! Allow me to shed some light on the subject. ''[He turns on the light, revealing their old room in the orphanage]'' :'''Lewis''': ''[gasps]'' My old room! :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': I think you mean OUR old room. :'''Lewis''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[removes his cloak, revealing a too-small, filthy Little League Baseball uniform]'' Ah, yes! Yes, it is I, Mike Yagoobian! :'''Lewis''': ''[in disgust and horror]'' Ugh! :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': I know! I'm disgusting! But one learns to love it! :'''Lewis''': How'd you end up like this?! :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Well, it's a long and pitiful story, about a young boy with a dream. a dream of winning a Little League championship. ''[flashback to a Little League baseball game; he is asleep in the outfield and fails to catch a ball; voice-over]'' A dream that was ruined in the last inning. We lost by one run because of me. :''[Goob is surrounded by baseball players, all preparing to beat him up in rage]'' :'''Baseball player''': GET HIM! :''[Fade to him in the orphanage, angrily talking to some parents about his bad day, and is unavailable to be adopted]'' :'''Mike "Goob" Yagoobian''': ''[infuriated]'' If I hadn't fallen asleep, I would have caught the ball! And we would have won! Do you understand?! :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[voice-over]'' For some reason, no one wanted to adopt me. :'''Reporter''': ''[over the radio]'' Whiz kid Cornelius Robinson graduates from college at age 14 - This year's Nobel Prize goes to a young Cornelius Robinson… :''[Goob walks down the school hallway, carrying his unicorn binder, and ignoring some students]'' :'''Boy #1''': Hey, Goob, what's up? Cool binder. :'''Boy #2''': Hey, Goob, want to come over to my house today? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[voice-over]'' They all hated me. Eventually, they closed down the orphanage and everyone left... except ''me''. :'''Reporter''': ''[on radio]'' Cornelius Robinson rebuilds Inventco - Robinson reaches out to - Cornelius Robinson - Cornelius Robinson is now - Now here's another amazing... :''[30 years later…]'' :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[voice-over]'' It was then that I realized it ''wasn't'' my fault. It was ''yours!'' If you hadn't kept me up all night working on your stupid project, then I wouldn't have missed the catch. So, I devised a brilliant plan to get my revenge. ''[throwing eggs at Robinson Industries]'' Robinson, you STINK! ''[voice-over]'' Then, just as I was on the brink of destroying Robinson Industries, I met…''her.'' ''[Doris appears]'' We retreated to our villainous lair, where Doris spun a tale of deception and woe. Apparently, ''you'' invented her to be a helping hat, a slave to humankind. But Doris knew she was capable of so much more. ''[Doris takes control of the lab assistant]'' However, you didn't see her true potential. :'''Cornelius''': Got it! :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[voice-over]'' So, you shut her down, or so you thought. ''[Doris breaks out of her cell]'' We both had a score to settle with you, and while my plan for revenge was brilliant, Doris's was… well, we went with Doris's. But I made a very, very important contribution. Together, we made the perfect team. ''[watches Wilbur entering the garage at the Robinson house through night-vision goggles]'' :'''Franny''': ''[off-screen]'' Wilbur, make sure you shut that door tight or else the alarm won't engage. :'''Wilbur''': Yeah, Mom. ''[leaves the garage, but forgot to lock the door]'' :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[voice-over]'' I went to your house, snuck in the garage, and stole the time machine. All thanks to that pointy-haired little kid who forgot to lock the garage door. ''[laughs; end of flashback]'' And now all that's left is to return to Inventco, where I'll pass off your little gizmo as my own. :'''Lewis''': But you have no idea what that could do to this future! :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': I don't care! I just want to ruin your life! :'''Lewis''': Goob, I had no idea! :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Shut up! And don't call me "Goob"! How many evil villains do you know who can pull off a name like "Goob"? Bleh! :'''Lewis''': Look, I'm sorry your life turned out so bad, but don't blame me, you messed it up yourself. You just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was... let go of the past... and keep moving forward. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Hmm, let's see... take responsibility for my own life or blame you? Dingdingdingdingding! Blame you wins hands down! ''[laughs cackles evilly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur''': I bet you're glad to see me! ''[Lewis punches him in the arm]'' OW! :'''Lewis''': That's for not locking the garage door! :'''Wilbur''': Ah! ''[awkwardly]'' You know about that? :'''Lewis''': I know ''everything.'' :'''Wilbur''': You gotta admit, this'll be a ''great'' story to tell me someday. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[as Doris brings the Memory Scanner back]'' Take a good look around, boys, because your future is about to '''''change.''' [heads to the past]'' :'''Wilbur''': Lewis, you ''have'' to fix the time machine! :'''Lewis''': No, no, I–I ''can't''! ''[In the past, Bowler Hat Guy has entered Inventco, laughs evilly]'' What about your dad?! You could call him! :'''Wilbur''': You ''are'' my dad! :'''Lewis''': But that's in the future! :'''Wilbur''': There won't ''be'' a future, unless you fix the time machine! ''[In the past, Bowler Hat Guy is showing off the memory scanner]'' Look, I messed up. I left the garage unlocked and I've tried like crazy to fix things... But now it's up to ''you''. ''[In the past, Bowler Hat Guy is about to sign a contract]'' You can do it, Dad! ''[starts to vanish]'' Lewis? Lewis! ''[turns into a ball of light, flies over the Robinson yard and is sucked into the sky]'' :'''Lewis''': Wilbur? Wilbur! Wilbur. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lewis watches a memory of Doris taking over the city and revealing that she was using Bowler Hat Guy as a pawn from the Memory Scanner]'' :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Doris, what's happening?! I don't understand! I just wanted to ruin his future, not ''this! [A flock of bowler hats come down and attacks him]'' NOOOO! :'''Lewis''': ''[when Doris reveals herself as the Memory Scanner shuts off; horrified]'' No. No, this can't be happening! NO! :''[The Robinson family members appear, all under her control]'' :'''Franny''': ''[under Doris' control]'' Oh, Lewis. It's already happened. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': Why did I ''ever'' invent that stupid hat?! ''[gets an idea]'' Take a good look around, Doris. 'Cause your future's about to change. ''[time-travels to the past, where Bowler Hat Guy is signing a contract]'' Goob, stop! You don't know what you're doing! :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[angrily]'' YES, I DO! I'm ruining your future! :'''Lewis''': She's using you, Goob, and when she gets what she wants, she'll get rid of you. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': What? What? :'''Lewis''': ''[facing Doris before she starts to attack him; bravely]'' I am '''''never''''' going to invent you. ''[Doris freezes, trembling, and disappears from existence]'' Come on, Goob. I've got to show you something. :''[Lewis and Bowler Hat Guy enter the future]'' :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[hurt and understanding that Doris '''was''' using him; last words]'' Doris? I thought she was my friend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': ''[pries Wilbur off of Bowler Hat Guy while he attacks him]'' Let him go! :'''Wilbur''': Wh-what are you doing?! He's the bad guy! :'''Lewis''': No, he's not, he's my roommate. :'''Wilbur''': What? :'''Lewis''': ''[pulls Wilbur aside; quietly]'' He's my old roommate, and I really think you guys should adopt him. :'''Wilbur''': Are you nuts? :'''Lewis''': Give me a good reason why not. :'''Wilbur''': I'll give you three good reasons. He stole our time machine, tried to ruin your future, and he smells like he hasn't showered in 30 years! :'''Lewis''': ''[grabs Wilbur by the ear; whispering sternly]'' May I remind you, I'm your father, and you have to do what I say. :'''Wilbur''': Okay, Mr. Yagoobian, do you want to be a Robins-- ''[notices that Bowler Hay Guy has disappeared]'' Where'd he go? :'''Lewis''': Goob? ''[calling out]'' Goob! Goob. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cornelius''': ''[in the garage]'' Franny, they're gone! Oh, this is terrible! :'''Franny''': Oh, boy. :'''Grandpa Bud''': Well, he's home early. :'''Cornelius''': Franny, where are you?! ''[runs out]'' The time machines are ''gone''! ''[sees Lewis]'' Oh, oh! ''[Lewis waves awkwardly at his future self, husband named Cornelius. Who does the same thing, before looking questioningly at everyone else, Wilbur tries to sneak away? But Franny grabs him by the arm and points to him; unimpressed]'' Mm-hmm. :'''Wilbur''': ''[deadpan]'' Ratted out by the old lady. Harsh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Have a safe trip, little Lewis. :'''Lewis''': I will. :'''Carl''': Hey, while I got you here, just a couple of little suggestions regarding my design. ''[takes out picture of buff self]'' Let's face it, these skinny limbs don't exactly make the teapot whistle. All that really matters is, hey, don't forget to invent me. :'''Lewis''': Are you kidding? No way! :'''Carl''': I [[love]] you. :'''Lewis''': ''[to Bud and Lucille]'' There's so many things I wish I could ask you. :'''Wilbur''': Excuse me. Time travel now, questions later. :'''Lewis''': But I... :'''Grandma Lucille''': Don't worry. Just get back to that science fair, and we'll see you real soon. :'''Lewis''': Oh, right. Right, okay, I will. Bye! :'''Grandpa Bud''': Goodbye, son! :'''Lewis''': Thanks again for everything! :'''Franny''': Wait! Lewis, one more thing. :'''Lewis''': Yeah? :'''Franny''': Just a little tip for the future. I am always right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right. :'''Cornelius''': She's right. I'd just go with it if I were you. And I am. :'''Lewis''': Then you're absolutely right. ''[Wilbur honks the horn]'' All right, I'm coming. :'''Wilbur''': Well, it's not like you're never gonna see them again. They are your family, after all. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lewis and Wilbur time travel to the rainy night]'' :'''Lewis''': Wait a minute. You're supposed to take me back to the science fair. :'''Wilbur''': I know. :''[The time machine flies down in front of the orphanage and turns invisible]'' :'''Lewis''': Well, I think you punched in the wrong numbers. :'''Wilbur''': We agreed that, if you fixed the time machine, I'd take you back to see your mom. :'''Lewis''': What? ''[looks outside and sees his mother approaching the orphanage, carrying him as an infant in a box; mouths "Mom" inaudible]'' :'''Wilbur''': ''[presses a button, opening the hatch]'' A deal's a deal. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lewis and Wilbur return to the past after Lewis decided to let his mother go, because he realized that he already has a family]'' :'''Wilbur''': I don't get it. Why'd you just let her go? :'''Lewis''': Because… I already have a family. ''[gives Wilbur a hug]'' :'''Wilbur''': I never thought my dad would be my best friend. Now, don't make me come and bail you out again. ''[gives Lewis the ripped up drawing of his Memory Scanner, which he tapped back together]'' :'''Lewis''': I won't. :'''Wilbur''': Remember, I've got a time machine. If you mess up again, I'll just keep coming back till you get it right. ''[hops in]'' You got that motto? :'''Lewis'''': I got it. :'''Wilbur''': Don't forget it. :'''Lewis''': I don't think that's possible. :'''Wilbur''': You better get going. :'''Lewis''': See you later, Wilbur. ''[looks up at the sky, seeing Wilbur sky-writing: '''"See ya later, Dad"''']'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lewis starts up the Memory Scanner and the monitor shows Lucille's memory of her getting married with a younger version of Grandpa Bud]'' :'''Lewis''': Bud? :'''Bud''': ''[appearing out of nowhere; amazed]'' Would you look at that? :'''Lucille''': Oh, honey! Honey, you're just in time! :'''Lewis''': Lucille! :'''Mr. Willerstein''': You did it, Lewis! You did it! This invention is brilliant! :'''Coach''': Kid, you're this fair's MVP! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reporter''': Over here? There he is. Kid, we'd like to get a story on you for the local paper. ''[shakes hands with Lewis]'' You've got a bright future ahead of you. :'''Lewis''': ''[looks at Lucille, Bud, and Young Franny; smiling dreamily]'' Yeah. :''[At the orphanage… Lewis packs up his trunk as he's being adopted by Bud and Lucille, says goodbye to Goob while he's being interviewed by a couple wanting to adopt him and talking about winning the Little League championship; Outside, he and Mildred hug, gets in Bud and Lucille's car, then waves farewell to Mildred as they drive off, who then waves at him in return]'' == Cast == * Daniel Hansen and Jordan Fry – Lewis Robinson * Wesley Singerman – Wilbur Robinson * Stephen John Anderson – Michael Bowler Hat Guy/Grandpa Bud/Tallulah * Nicole Sullivan – Franny Robinson * Matthew Josten – Mike Goob Yagoobian * Angela Bassett and John h. H. Ford – Mildred Duffy/Mr. Harrington * Laurie Metcalf and Dara McGarry - Mrs. Harrington/Grandma Lucille/Dr. Krucklehorn * Harland Williams – Carl * Ethan Sandler/– Doris/CEO/ Uncle Joe/Spike and Dimitri/Laszlo/Fritz and Petunia * Kelly Hoover – Aunt Billie * Don Hall – Gaston/Coach * Adam West – Art * Aurian Redson and Joe Mateo – Frankie the Frog/T-Rex the dinosaur * Nathan Greno – Lefty the octopus * [[Tom Kenny]] – Mr. Willerstein * [[w:Tom Selleck|Tom Selleck]] – Cornelius Robinson * Paul Butcher – Stanley * Tracy Miller-Zarneke – Lizzy * Joe Whyte – Reporter̈ == About Meet the Robinsons == * <p>So we had some different challenges: we had skin texture we had to work out, we had to grow hair off of characters' heads and we had to find an animation style that was still fun and loose and had some caricature to it, but could portray humans in a believable way. The Incredibles was a definite inspiration for this. It was eye-popping to me, and certainly part of my education in 3D and how to do character animation with all of its subtleties.</p><p>One really interesting technique that we used is occlusion. It creates shadows based on the proximity of one object to another. It's a way to avoid that glowy feel that computer animation has or the way mouths look like they're illuminated from inside. Occlusion, because it's a closed space in there, will darken that mouth immediately. Then when we add our texture and lighting on top of that, you have a bit more real look to the images you're creating. It's that extra layer of believability that computer animation is so great at.</p> **[[w:Stephen Anderson (artist)|Stephen Anderson]] [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/meet-robinsons-keep-moving-forward-disney 'Meet The Robinsons': Keep Moving Forward at Disney], ''Animation World Network'', 30 March 2007 * You could see it in the animation of 2008's Bolt, the first film Lasseter and Catmull touched: The characters were more visually appealing, more believable, funnier than the characters in Disney's previous film, Meet the Robinsons. And crucially, the acting was more nuanced: The characters didn't feel like caricatures. :* Caitlin Roper, Wired [Roper, Caitlin (October 21, 2014). "Big Hero 6 Proves It: Pixar's Gurus Have Brought the Magic Back to Disney Animation". Wired. Condé Nast.] ==See Also== Random ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2007 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2007 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated films about time travel]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about orphans]] [[Category:Animated films based on children's books]] szg52m3q9kmqrp1bl1at5nuu4m4d418 0 52663 3955214 3941476 2026-06-22T04:39:37Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* North by North Quahog */ 3955214 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} ===''[[w:North by North Quahog|North by North Quahog]]''=== :'''Peter''': Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled. :'''Lois''': Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that? :'''Peter''': Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like ''[[Dark Angel]]'', ''[[Titus (TV series)|Titus]]'', ''[[Undeclared]]'', ''[[w:Action (TV series)|Action]]'', [[w:That '80s Show|''That '80s Show'']], [[w:Wonderfalls|''Wonderfalls'']], [[w:Fastlane (TV series)|''Fastlane'']], [[Andy Richter Controls the Universe|''Andy Richter Controls the Universe'']], [[w:Skin (American TV series)|''Skin'']], [[w:Girls Club|''Girls Club'']], [[w:Cracking Up|''Cracking Up'']], [[w:The Pitts|''The Pitts'']], [[Firefly (TV series)|''Firefly'']], ''[[w:Get Real (American TV series)|Get Real]]'', [[w:FreakyLinks|''FreakyLinks'']], [[w:Wanda at Large|''Wanda at Large'']], ''[[w:Costello (TV series)|Costello]]'', [[w:The Lone Gunmen|''The Lone Gunmen'']], ''[[w:A Minute With Stan Hooper|A Minute With Stan Hooper]]'', [[w:Normal, Ohio|''Normal, Ohio'']], [[w:Pasadena (TV series)|''Pasadena'']], [[w:Harsh Realm|''Harsh Realm'']], ''[[w:Keen Eddie|Keen Eddie]]'', [[w:The $treet|''The $treet'']], ''[[w:American Embassy|American Embassy]]'', ''[[w:Cedric the Entertainer Presents|Cedric the Entertainer]]'', [[w:Tick (character)|''The Tick'']], ''[[w:Luis Guzmán|Luis]]'' and [[Greg the Bunny|''Greg the Bunny'']]. :'''Lois''': Is there no hope? :'''Peter''': Well, I suppose if '''''all''''' those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Friend''': Come on, Chris, it's just vodka! Jake swiped it from his dad's liquor cabinet. ''[pours vodka into Jake's mouth]'' :'''Jake''': Yeah, see? It's good! :'''Chris''': Well, okay, maybe just one sip. ''[About to drink. Then a teacher opens the door]'' :'''Teacher''': Christopher Griffin! Is that alcohol?! Mister, you're in serious trouble. ''[Flint from ''G.I. Joe'' comes in from behind stall]'' :'''[[w:Flint (G.I. Joe)|Flint]]''': He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. :'''Kids''': Now we know! :'''Flint''': And knowing is half the battle. :'''Chorus''': G.I. Joooooooe! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': ''[Meg is sitting on the couch watching the news. Jake’s picture is shown on the screen in between Tom and Diane with his eyes obscured by a black bar]'' In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie? :'''Ollie''': HE GON' GET IT! :'''Tom''': Thanks, Ollie. Now this. :'''Meg''': So you actually put coke in that kid’s locker? :'''Brian''': Yup. :'''Meg''': Wow! Where’d ya get it? :'''Brian''': Oh. I got a guy. :''[Greased-Up Deaf Guy comes on screen]'' :'''Greased-Up Deaf Guy''': Don’t let it get the best of you! I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America! === ''Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High'' === :'''Mrs. Lockhart''': Good morning, class. :'''Chris and other students''': Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. :'''Mrs. Lockhart''': I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? :''[she holds up Chris' failed quiz in front of her chest; Chris takes a gander]'' :'''Chris''': Two Ds and an F. <hr width=50%/> :''[Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]'' :'''Lois''': No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen [[Oz (TV Series)|Oz]]. :''[Cut to a group of prisoners singing in the shower]'' :'''Prisoners''': ''Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,'' :''Whether you're white or bronze!'' :''A man can wash another man'' :''In [[w:The Merry Old Land of Oz|the merry old land of Oz!]]'' === ''[[w:Blind Ambition (Family Guy)|Blind Ambition]]'' === :'''Brian''': ''[sees Brutus]'' Peter, what the hell is that? :'''Peter''': Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus. :'''Brian''': What do you need a seeing eye dog for? :'''Peter''': Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with '''[[w:Superman|Superman]]'''. :''[cut to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]'' :'''Superman''': We must stop '''[[w:Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]]''' before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. ''[Peter walks into the lair]'' :'''Peter''': Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here. <hr width=50%/> :'''God''': ''[talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam]'' Oh uh, let me light that for ya, babe. ''[makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]'' :'''Woman''': Wow! :'''God''': Yep, magic fingers. ''[God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes]'' Jesus Christ! :'''Jesus''': What? :'''God''': Get the Escalade. We're outta here! === ''Don't Make Me Over'' === :'''Peter''': Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. :''[Cutaway to hospital]'' :'''Peter''': I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life. :'''Man''': Oh, my God... :'''Peter''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, no, I'm just kidding! She's dead! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay. :''[cut to a scene from [[w:The Wizard of Oz|The Wizard of Oz]]. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow]'' :'''Tin Man''': Oh, oh, look what happened by accident. === ''[[w:The Cleveland–Loretta Quagmire|The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire]]'' === :'''Peter''': Your wife's cheatin' on ya. :'''Cleveland''': What?! :'''Peter''': Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!". :'''Brian''': Uh, Peter... :'''Peter''': Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... ''[imitates Loretta]'' "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? :''[switch to Bamm-Bamm Rubble]'' :'''Bamm-Bamm''': ''[bangs his club]'' Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! ''[stops]'' You wanna take it from here, Emeril? :''[switch to Emeril Lagasse]'' :'''Lagasse''': Bam! :'''Peter''': So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will. :''[he puts on a Quagmire mask]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, look at me! I'm Quagmire! I had sex with your wife! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity! :''[Cleveland laughs]'' :'''Cleveland''': Those are so his mannerisms. ''[laughs]'' :'''Brian''': Peter, what the hell are you doing? :'''Peter''': I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire! And I'm doin' you, Loretta! :''[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell? :''[the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]'' :'''Cleveland''': Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD! === ''[[w:Petarded|Petarded]]'' === :'''Peter''': My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white! :'''Brian''': Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... '''YEEEAAAAHHH!''' IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that. :'''Meg''': I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again! :'''Stewie''': Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. <hr width=50%/> :'''Judge''': Well, if there's nothing further, I hereby sentence- :'''Peter''': Wait, wait, wait. Your Honor, there is something further. Look, I know I screwed up big time. But I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them. And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say? :'''Judge''': Are you kidding? You're a monster! In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free. :'''Peter''': Does that mean I get my kids back? :'''Judge''': Absolutely not! Case closed! ''[bangs his gavel]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, crap! ''[to the judge]'' Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison. :'''Judge''': Aw, I already banged the hammer! === ''[[w:Brian the Bachelor|Brian the Bachelor]]'' === :''[Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]'' :'''Stewie''': Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. ''(realizes what he just said):'' Ugh, even ''I'' found that to be in bad taste. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire's Mother''': Glenn, would you feed Mittens? :'''Quagmire''': Mittens has food in his bowl! :'''Quagmire's Mother''': That's old food! ''[Mittens meows]'' :'''Quagmire''': Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP! :'''Quagmire's Mother''': Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family! :'''Quagmire''': Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone! === ''8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter'' === :'''Peter''': All right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. ''[he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles]'' Okay, here we go. ''[short pause]'' How's everybody doing? :'''Brian''': Good. Good so far. :'''Peter''': All right, all right. :'''Stewie''': Nothing yet. :'''Peter''': Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Stewie''': Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Chris''': ''[feels his upset stomach]'' I'm starting to feel funny. :'''Brian''': Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Chris''': Oh, boy! ''[gets up]'' That means I win! I get to eat the-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[vomits again]'' Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me? But-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Stewie''': No, please...no more...no more, no-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Chris''': Dad, I'm scared... ''[vomits again]'' :'''Brian''': Get the phone, call 911-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Peter''': Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Brian''': Ugh. Okay. Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Stewie''': I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Brian''': Ugh! Peter, I need you to hold my ears-- :''[Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]'' :'''Lois''': ''[enters with a pot]'' Who wants chowder? :''[Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Liddane''': ''[in tears]'' I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me! :'''Stewie''': He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just - lemme just hold you for a while... :''[the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Liddane's left breast; Liddane reacts, then slaps Stewie]'' :'''Liddane''': Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no! No! :'''Stewie''': But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... ''[wails like a normal baby]'' :'''Liddane''': No more TV! :'''Stewie''': Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun! === ''[[w:Breaking Out Is Hard to Do|Breaking Out Is Hard to Do]]'' === :'''Brian''': Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids. :''[cut to Peter in a hospital with four kids in beds]'' :'''Peter''': Hi there, how y'all doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- ''[the kids stare at him]'' Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- ''[hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed]'' Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler? :'''Kid''': Dying hurts... :'''Peter''': Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same ol' routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like there was a secret hole in me. :'''Quagmire''' ''[in the background]'': Oh, God! :'''Lois''': ...And I was tryna fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things... :'''Quagmire''': ''Oh, God!'' :'''Lois''': ...And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole. :'''Quagmire''': '''OH GOD!!!''' :'''Lois''': I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. :'''Quagmire''': That one is also sexual. ''[walks away happily]'' === ''Model Misbehavior'' === :'''Peter''': So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat. :'''Carter''': Are you calling me gay? :'''Peter''': No, no. I just - I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on - on - on your poopdeck. ''[Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair]''. <hr width="50%"> : '''Stewie''': Oh and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him until he gets out of rehab. :''[Cutaway to Cookie Monster from [[Sesame Street]] reading a book in Rehab, Until the Rehab doctor and assistants enter the room.]'' :'''Rehab Doctor''': Contraband check. ''[They find a plate of cookies.]'' What are these? :'''Cookie Monster''': I don't know. :'''Rehab Doctor''': What do you mean you don't know? :'''Cookie Monster''': I-I don't know how they got here. :'''Rehab Doctor''': Well I think you ''do'' Know. :'''Cookie Monster''': No, no... Uh... Derek was in here earlier... Um... he was making the beds. He probably put them... I was in the John. :''[Due to his cookie addiction, he proceeds to go crazy and eat all the cookies on the plate. He is now being held down by assistants on the bed while screaming and kicking.]'' :'''Cookie Monster''': '''YOU GUYS ARE NAZIS, MAN! YOU'RE FREAKING NAZIS!! AAAH!!!''' :'''Rehab Doctor''': ''[sedates him, putting him to sleep.]'' Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. ===''[[w:Peter's Got Woods|Peter's Got Woods]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[reads [[The Da Vinci Code]]]'' Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air. :''[cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo! :'''Stewie''': Yes, I see you, fat man. :'''Peter''': ''[gasps]'' Where's Daddy? ''[covers eyes]'' :'''Stewie''': What? ''[looks around]'' Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see. Well, he must really be gone. ''[starts picking his nose]'' :'''Peter''': ''[removes hands from eyes]'' Peek-a-boo! :'''Stewie''': Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my-- ''[Peter covers his eyes again]'' Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence. ===''The Perfect Castaway''=== :''[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire float on a raft after the storm]'' :'''Joe''': We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. :''[Peter eats something]'' :'''Quagmire''': Hey, what's that? :'''Peter''': ''[stops]'' What? :'''Cleveland''': You're eatin' somethin'! :'''Joe''': You bastard! You have food?! :'''Peter''': I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Joe''': Gimme that! :''[he and Peter fight over what Peter has been eating until Joe screams at what he has seen; Cleveland and Quagmire shout in shock]'' :'''Joe''': Peter! You've been eating my legs?! :'''Peter''': Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. :'''Joe''': WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! :'''Peter''': Look, look, Joe, I...! :'''Joe''': YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!! :'''Peter''': Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree. <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire exit their cruise ship and return to Quahog]'' :'''Joe''': Well, that was a great cruise. :'''Peter''': Yeah. The buffet was great! :'''Cleveland''': And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet. :''[two men carry an incapacitated Skeet Ulrich on a stretcher]'' :'''Man''': Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital. :'''Ulrich''': ''[to Cleveland; in pain and anger]'' You bastard! :'''Cleveland''': There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are. === ''[[wikipedia:Jungle Love (Family Guy)|Jungle Love]]''=== :'''Unemployer''': Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery. :'''Peter''': Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study. :''[cut to two doctors in a small window]'' :'''Doctor''': Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. ''[screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]'' :'''Peter''': I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- ''[turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam]'' Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were... <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went. :''[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]'' :'''Meg''': Dad? What the hell are you doing!? :'''Peter''': ''[drunk]'' Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants? ===''[[w:PTV (Family Guy)|PTV]]''=== :''[Peter and Brian watch TV]'' :'''Announcer''': And now, stay tuned for ''[[Three's Company]]''. :''[the television shows ''[[Three's Company]]'']'' :'''Chrissy''': Jack, are you out there? I wanna show you my new bikini. :''[her top is blacked out]'' :'''Peter''': What the hell?! Why they blockin' out all the good stuff? :''[he switches to another station showing ''[[The Dick Van Dyke Show]]'', with "Dick" and "Dyke" crossed out in the title]'' :'''Announcer''': It's ''The ''[bleep]'' Van ''[bleep]'' Show'', starring ''[bleep]'' Van ''[bleep]''. :'''Peter''': They're messin' with my shows! :'''Brian''': Come to think of it, there was something very different about that ''Honeymooners'' episode I watched today. :''[flashback to said episode of said program]'' :'''Ralph''': One of these days, Alice, one of these days,...! :'''Dubbed voice''': ''[over Ralph's line: "Pow! Right to the moon!"]'' I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. :''[back to the present]'' :'''Brian''': This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant. :'''Peter''': What the hell?! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot! Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter starts his broadcast of PTV]'' :'''Peter''': Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watchin' PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. Like the episode of ''All in the Family'' where Archie got the Jeffersons to move. :''[he shows a clip of said episode of All in the Family; Archie burns down a cross in front of George's house]'' :'''Archie''': Time for you to move there, Jefferson! :'''Edith''': Oh, Archie! I can't see outta my sheet! :'''Archie''': Edith, will ya stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus! :''[cut back to PTV]'' :'''Peter''': And who could forget that classic episode of ''The Waltons''? :''[he shows a clip of said episode of The Waltons]'' :'''Mary Ellen''': Good night, Jim-Bob. :'''Jim-Bob''': Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa. :'''Pa''': Good night, Jim-Bob. Good night, Elizabeth. :'''Elizabeth''': Good night, Pa. Good night, Ma. :'''Ma''': Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, John-Boy. ''[silence]'' Good night, John-Boy. :''[she walks up to John-Boy's door and opens it]'' :'''Ma''': John-Boy? :'''John-Boy''': Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house? === ''[[w:Brian Goes Back to College|Brian Goes Back to College]]'' === :''[Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]'' :'''Chris''': Hi, Dad! :'''Peter''': Go to your room. :'''Chris''': Okay! ''[heads upstairs and falls through to the floor again]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': You know, I thought I could help people with this whole [[w:The A-Team|A-Team]] thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude ''[[w:Playboy|Playboy]]'' spread of [[w:Deborah Gibson|Debbie Gibson]]. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?" === ''[[w:The Courtship of Stewie's Father|The Courtship of Stewie's Father]]'' === :'''Tom''': We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie? :''[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]'' :'''Ollie''': Everybody looks like ants! :'''Tom''': Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. :'''Stewie''': Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. ''[holds his finger out, Peter pulls it]'' Wait... ''[farts]'' Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer! :''[Lois furiously comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner? <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up. :'''Peter''': Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood. :'''Brian''': Are ya sure? ''[leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]'' :It's [[w:Peanut Butter Jelly Time|Peanut Butter Jelly Time]]! :Peanut Butter Jelly Time! :Peanut Butter Jelly Time! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Now, there he go! :There he go! :There he go! :There he go! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :'''Peter''': Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. ''[leaves]'' :'''Brian''': ''[continues singing and dancing]'' Do the Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat! ===''[[w:The Fat Guy Strangler|The Fat Guy Strangler]]''=== :''[Lois is watching ''[[w:The Price Is Right|The Price Is Right]]'' on TV]'' :'''[[w:Bob Barker|Barker]]''': All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? :'''Jennifer''': Um... $675, Bob. :'''Barker''': $675. Stephen? :'''Stephen''': Uh, $780. :'''Barker''': $780. Tammy? :'''Tammy''': What was the last bid? :'''Barker''': $780. :'''Tammy''': $781. :'''Stephen''': Fuck you! <hr width=50%/> :''[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic. :'''Brian''': Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo. :'''Stewie''': Wait a second. I'll be right back. ''[leaves, then returns with a cucumber]'' Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? :''[both laugh]'' :'''Brian''': I don't know, man! It's his wife! :'''Stewie''': You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? :'''Brian''': ''[laughing]'' Hey, Marian's giving you a thumbs up! ''[laughs]'' :'''Stewie''': You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles! :''[both laugh]'' :'''Stewie''': If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak! :''[both laugh harder]'' === ''[[w:The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz|The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz]]'' === :'''Announcer''': And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island". :''[in the movie, 2 men are wading in the water]'' :'''Mark''': You think we should be this far out? :'''Other Man''': Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine. :'''Jaws''': ''[sounds like Bruce]'' Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up dem shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. ''(hums his theme)'' Oh, now wait a minute, I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. ''[eats the two men]'' Mmm, yummy. Mmm. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': ''[prays to Fonzie]'' Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign. :''[the doorbell rings; Peter opens it; inside comes Lindsay Lohan, nude and walking like a crab]'' :'''Lohan''': Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. :'''Peter''': ''[amazed]'' It sure is! Fonzie be praised! === ''[[w:Brian Sings and Swings|Brian Sings and Swings]]'' === :''[at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]'' :'''Bruce''': I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items. :'''Cashier''': That's fine. :'''Bruce''': No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the [[w:aluminum foil|Reynolds Wrap]] and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. ''[Stewie, behind him in line, sighs]'' 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay. I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. ''[dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': ''[after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant]'' Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché! :'''Brian''': I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? Because life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it. :'''Stewie''': Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control. :'''Brian''': You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something's is really, really funny? :''[cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching ''[[w:Hope & Faith|Hope & Faith]]'']'' :'''Faith''': Well, Hope, I don't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits. :'''Hope''': Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking power. It's ''sneezing'' powder. :''[Stewie laughing]'' :'''Faith''': But, I already bought a whole batch to the church bake sale. :''[Stewie laughing]'' :'''Hope''': No wonder that priest kept saying "Bless you". :''[Stewie laughing]'' :''[cut back to Stewie and Brian]'' :'''Stewie''': Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. ''[voice breaks]'' You matter big time... ''[runs off]'' ===''[[w:Patriot Games (Family Guy)|Patriot Games]]''=== :'''Peter''': All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do - by taking steroids! <hr width=50%> :''[Brian has finished showering, and walks to the door with a towel wrapped around him. He opens the door to see Stewie holding a glass of orange juice.'' :'''Brian''': Stewie. Uh, hey. :'''Stewie''': Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money? :'''Brian''': Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you. :'''Stewie''': Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today. :'''Brian''': Yeah, I don't have it. Sorry. :'''Stewie''': Oh. Well, alright then. ''[drinks his orange juice]'' Mmm, that's good OJ. ''[angrily smashes the glass on Brian's head, causing him to scream in pain with eyes bleeding]'' Yeah, that hurt?! That hurt?! :'''Brian''': What the hell?! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? ''[punches Brian and throws him aside]'' Yeah, that's what happens, man! :'''Brian''': Oh, my god! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that's what happens! ''[punches Brian twice]'' Where's my money?! Ya gonna give me my money?! Where's the money, man! ''[grabs the towel rack and beats Brian up with it]'' Where's the money?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! ''[pulls Brian to the toilet and dunks his head in, hits him with the toilet lid]'' Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! ''[throws him out of the toilet, Brian coughs blood and water]'' You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till five o'clock! :'''Brian''': You freakin' psychopath! :'''Stewie''': ''[tosses the towel to Brian and leaves]'' Yeah, clean yourself up. === ''[[w:I Take Thee Quagmire|I Take Thee Quagmire]]'' === :''[scene from "[[w:Wheel of Fortune|Wheel of Fortune]]"]'' :'''[[Pat Sajak]]''': All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations. :'''Peter''': Thanks, Regis. :'''Sajak''': Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel. :'''Peter''': Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the [[w:Batman|Batman]] symbol. :'''Sajak''': Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out. :'''Peter''': Is it [[w:Alex Karras|Alex Karras]] in ''[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]]?'' ''[the whole puzzle is revealed]'' :'''Sajak''': ''(in the state of shock)'' I...don't...believe it. :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. :'''Sajak''': That's you. :'''Peter''': Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate. :''[at home]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV! :'''Brian''': I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when [[Adam West]] was on "[[Jeopardy!]]". :''[cut to "[[Jeopardy!]]"]'' :'''[[Alex Trebek|Trebek]]''': All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? ''[West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely]'' "Kebert Xela." ''[groans; disappears]'' :'''West''': Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs. === ''[[w:Sibling Rivalry (Family Guy)|Sibling Rivalry]]'' === :'''Lois''': ''[taking a pregnancy test]'' Okay, 1 more minute, and then if there are two pink lines... :'''Peter''': Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, [[Happy Days|Richie, Joanie,]] [[The Brady Bunch|Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan,]] [[W:Growing Pains|Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner,]] [[Family Matters|Urkel,]] [[Three's Company|Mr. Furley...]] :'''Brian''': Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the '''[[w:Nick at Nite|Nick at Nite]]''' lineup. :'''Peter''': [[w:Blanka|Blanka,]] [[w:Zangief|Zangief,]] [[w:Chun-Li|Chun-Li,]] [[w:Guile (Street Fighter)|Guile,]] [[w:E. Honda|E. Honda...]] :'''Brian''': That's ''[[w:Street Fighter|Street Fighter]]''. :'''Peter''': <span style=color:red>Red</span>, <span style=color:blue>blue</span>, <span style=color:green>green</span>... :'''Brian''': Those are colors. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Hartman''': ''(after Lois has recovered from her heart attack)'' Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine. :'''Lois''': Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg? :'''Meg''': For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? : '''Lois''': Chris, we all love your hat. :'''Chris''': Thanks, Mom! ''[to Dr. Hartman]'' Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? :'''Dr. Hartman''': Well, we stored it all in this storage room. ''[opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]'' :'''Peter''': Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like. === ''[[w:Deep Throats|Deep Throats]]'' === :'''Brian''': Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. :'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[within the shadows]'' You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. :'''Brian''': Uh, okay. :'''Kermit''': Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. :'''Brian''': ''[recognizing him]'' Kermit the Frog? :'''Kermit''': ''[gasps]'' Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! ''[flees from the scene]'' YAAAAAAAAAAY!!! :'''Stewie''': What's his appeal? <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': Alright, let's get out of here. :'''Stewie''': Oh, God, l feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. :''[Cut to Stewie's said cousin on the couch with Katie Holmes]'' :'''Stewie Cruise''': l'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! ===''[[w:Peterotica|Peterotica]]''=== :'''[[w:Kool-Aid Man|Kool-Aid Man]]''': ''[after a car crashes into his house]'' Wow, you know, from the other side that's kind of annoying. <hr width=50%> :'''[[w:Betty White|Betty White]]''': Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible. ===''[[w:You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives|You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives]]''=== :'''Chris''': She's so pretty that if your [[w:Hacky Sack|Hacky Sack]] were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them. :'''Classmate''': What? Kick them around? :'''Chris''': Um, wait...yes. <hr width=50%> :''[actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]'' :'''Chris''': Matthew McConaughey? :'''McConaughey''': Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie. :''[Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]'' :'''Stewie''': Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing. :'''Chris''': But I... :'''Stewie''': Grab his legs! :''[Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]'' ===''[[w:Petergeist|Petergeist]]''=== :'''Bruce''': ''[as a spiritual guide]'' Lois, I told you, it ain't safe! :'''Peter''': I'll tell you what's not safe: Goin' huntin' with [[Dick Cheney]]. :''[cut to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]'' :'''Peter''': So, y'all set to go huntin'? ''[Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]'' :'''Cheney''': Sorry, I thought you were a deer. <hr width=50%> :''[Carrot Top runs out of the hall of mirrors after tricking Peter, but the latter comes out successfully, much to the former's surprise]'' :'''Carrot Top''': What the hell? How did you find me? :'''Peter''': ''[shows Carrot Top a saw wearing glasses]'' I found this saw with glasses on it. :'''Carrot Top''': ''[takes the saw]'' Oh, that's my "See"-saw! :''[Peter laughs]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fuckin' funny! You are so - Goddamn you for being so funny! ''[laughs again]'' Oh, my God! ===''[[w:Untitled Griffin Family History|Untitled Griffin Family History]]''=== :''[Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]'' :'''Lois''': Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes? :''[Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]'' :'''Peter''': They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The%20Godfather The Godfather]. :'''Lois''': What?! :'''Peter''': Did not care for The Godfather. :'''Chris''': How can you even say that? :'''Peter''': Didn’t-didn’t like it. :'''Lois''': Peter, it’s so good- it’s like the perfect movie. :'''Peter''': This is what everyone always says- everyone always says ''[imitates various voices telling him they also disagree]'' :'''Chris''': [[Robert De Niro]], [[Al Pacino]], I mean- [[Robert Duvall|ROBERT DUVALL]]! :'''Peter''': I know- look, fine, fine actor, did not like the movie. :'''Brian''': Why not? :'''Peter''': Couldn’t get into it. :'''Lois''': Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it? :'''Peter''': It insists upon itself, Lois. :'''Lois''': What? :'''Peter''': It insists upon itself. :'''Lois''': What does that even mean? :'''Chris''': ‘Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent! :'''Peter''': It takes forever gettin’ in, you spend nearly six-and-a-half hours and then- you know I can’t even finish the movie; I’ve never even seen the ending. :'''Chris''': You’ve never seen the ending?! :'''Stewie''': Well how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t given it a chance? :'''Lois''': I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair. :'''Peter''': I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sittin’ around in the easy chairs- :'''Lois''': Yeah, that’s a great scene. I love that scene. :'''Peter''': I have no idea what they’re talkin’ about; it’s like they’re speaking a different language- that’s why I lose interest. :'''Chris''': They’re speaking Italian! :'''Lois''': The language they’re speaking is a language of subtlety, something you don’t understand. :'''Peter''': I love ''[[The Money Pit]]''. That is my answer to that statement. :'''Lois''': Exactly. :'''Peter''': Well, there ya go. :'''Lois''': Whatever. :'''Chris''': I like that movie, too. ===''[[w:Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story|Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story]]''=== :''[Stewie and Brian are playing ''[[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]'' while intoxicated]'' :'''Brian''': Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get, get the fruit. :'''Stewie''': I'm not gonna get the fruit. :'''Brian''': Get the fruit :'''Stewie''': I-I can't get the fruit. :'''Brian''': Get the fruit man! :'''Stewie''': ''[angrily]'' I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT! THERE'S A GHOST RIGHT THERE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tricia''': Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation? :'''Peter''': Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to [[w:Alan Alda|Alan Alda]], and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was ''my'' face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work. :''[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]'' :'''Cleveland''': Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me. :'''Peter''': Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director! :'''Cleveland''': Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin! :''[Stewie walks in, wearing a tribal skirt and a drum for some reason]'' :'''Stewie''': Did I miss my cue? :''[in the bar]'' :'''Peter''': Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode. :''[cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]'' :'''Chris''': ''[nervously]'' Oh, uh...hi, Mom. :'''Lois''': ''[in a shaky voice]'' Hi, Chris... ''[they both have a shameful look on their faces]'' :'''Brian''': ''[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong']'' WRONG! It's WRONG! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tricia''': Peter, is there anything else you want to say? :'''Peter''': Yeah, I got something to say. ''[stands on a stool]'' You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. ''[Peter farts; everyone laughs]'' :'''Lois''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Peter! :'''Peter''': Hehehehehe! Still got it! ''[the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]'' :'''Peter''': That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. ''[farts again, then laughs]'' Just yankin' ya. ''[scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0182576|title=Family Guy}} * [http://www.familyguy.com FamilyGuy.com] * [http://www.messengertools.net/Family-Guy-Quotes-1.html Family Guy Quotes] * [http://www.familyguyquotes.com FamilyGuyQuotes.com] * [http://familyguy-cartoon.blogspot.com/ Family Guy Resources] [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] q5mwteb5pmydc3o2gabz0oo8hfj5esk 3955215 3955214 2026-06-22T04:40:05Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* North by North Quahog */ 3955215 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} ===''[[w:North by North Quahog|North by North Quahog]]''=== :'''Peter''': Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled. :'''Lois''': Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that? :'''Peter''': Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like ''[[Dark Angel]]'', ''[[Titus (TV series)|Titus]]'', ''[[Undeclared]]'', ''[[w:Action (TV series)|Action]]'', [[w:That '80s Show|''That '80s Show'']], [[w:Wonderfalls|''Wonderfalls'']], [[w:Fastlane (TV series)|''Fastlane'']], [[Andy Richter Controls the Universe|''Andy Richter Controls the Universe'']], [[w:Skin (American TV series)|''Skin'']], [[w:Girls Club|''Girls Club'']], [[w:Cracking Up|''Cracking Up'']], [[w:The Pitts|''The Pitts'']], [[Firefly (TV series)|''Firefly'']], ''[[w:Get Real (American TV series)|Get Real]]'', [[w:FreakyLinks|''FreakyLinks'']], [[w:Wanda at Large|''Wanda at Large'']], ''[[w:Costello (TV series)|Costello]]'', [[w:The Lone Gunmen|''The Lone Gunmen'']], ''[[w:A Minute With Stan Hooper|A Minute With Stan Hooper]]'', [[w:Normal, Ohio|''Normal, Ohio'']], [[w:Pasadena (TV series)|''Pasadena'']], [[w:Harsh Realm|''Harsh Realm'']], ''[[w:Keen Eddie|Keen Eddie]]'', [[w:The $treet|''The $treet'']], ''[[w:American Embassy|American Embassy]]'', ''[[w:Cedric the Entertainer Presents|Cedric the Entertainer]]'', [[w:Tick (character)|''The Tick'']], ''[[w:Luis Guzmán|Luis]]'' and [[Greg the Bunny|''Greg the Bunny'']]. :'''Lois''': Is there no hope? :'''Peter''': Well, I suppose if '''''all''''' those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Friend''': Come on, Chris, it's just vodka! Jake swiped it from his dad's liquor cabinet. ''[pours vodka into Jake's mouth]'' :'''Jake''': Yeah, see? It's good! :'''Chris''': Well, okay, maybe just one sip. ''[About to drink. Then a teacher opens the door]'' :'''Teacher''': Christopher Griffin! Is that alcohol?! Mister, you're in serious trouble. ''[Flint from ''G.I. Joe'' comes in from behind stall]'' :'''[[w:Flint (G.I. Joe)|Flint]]''': He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. :'''Kids''': Now we know! :'''Flint''': And knowing is half the battle. :'''Chorus''': ''G.I. Joooooooe!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': ''[Meg is sitting on the couch watching the news. Jake’s picture is shown on the screen in between Tom and Diane with his eyes obscured by a black bar]'' In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie? :'''Ollie''': HE GON' GET IT! :'''Tom''': Thanks, Ollie. Now this. :'''Meg''': So you actually put coke in that kid’s locker? :'''Brian''': Yup. :'''Meg''': Wow! Where’d ya get it? :'''Brian''': Oh. I got a guy. :''[Greased-Up Deaf Guy comes on screen]'' :'''Greased-Up Deaf Guy''': Don’t let it get the best of you! I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America! === ''Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High'' === :'''Mrs. Lockhart''': Good morning, class. :'''Chris and other students''': Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. :'''Mrs. Lockhart''': I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? :''[she holds up Chris' failed quiz in front of her chest; Chris takes a gander]'' :'''Chris''': Two Ds and an F. <hr width=50%/> :''[Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]'' :'''Lois''': No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen [[Oz (TV Series)|Oz]]. :''[Cut to a group of prisoners singing in the shower]'' :'''Prisoners''': ''Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,'' :''Whether you're white or bronze!'' :''A man can wash another man'' :''In [[w:The Merry Old Land of Oz|the merry old land of Oz!]]'' === ''[[w:Blind Ambition (Family Guy)|Blind Ambition]]'' === :'''Brian''': ''[sees Brutus]'' Peter, what the hell is that? :'''Peter''': Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus. :'''Brian''': What do you need a seeing eye dog for? :'''Peter''': Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with '''[[w:Superman|Superman]]'''. :''[cut to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]'' :'''Superman''': We must stop '''[[w:Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]]''' before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. ''[Peter walks into the lair]'' :'''Peter''': Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here. <hr width=50%/> :'''God''': ''[talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam]'' Oh uh, let me light that for ya, babe. ''[makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]'' :'''Woman''': Wow! :'''God''': Yep, magic fingers. ''[God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes]'' Jesus Christ! :'''Jesus''': What? :'''God''': Get the Escalade. We're outta here! === ''Don't Make Me Over'' === :'''Peter''': Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. :''[Cutaway to hospital]'' :'''Peter''': I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life. :'''Man''': Oh, my God... :'''Peter''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, no, I'm just kidding! She's dead! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay. :''[cut to a scene from [[w:The Wizard of Oz|The Wizard of Oz]]. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow]'' :'''Tin Man''': Oh, oh, look what happened by accident. === ''[[w:The Cleveland–Loretta Quagmire|The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire]]'' === :'''Peter''': Your wife's cheatin' on ya. :'''Cleveland''': What?! :'''Peter''': Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!". :'''Brian''': Uh, Peter... :'''Peter''': Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... ''[imitates Loretta]'' "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? :''[switch to Bamm-Bamm Rubble]'' :'''Bamm-Bamm''': ''[bangs his club]'' Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! ''[stops]'' You wanna take it from here, Emeril? :''[switch to Emeril Lagasse]'' :'''Lagasse''': Bam! :'''Peter''': So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will. :''[he puts on a Quagmire mask]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, look at me! I'm Quagmire! I had sex with your wife! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity! :''[Cleveland laughs]'' :'''Cleveland''': Those are so his mannerisms. ''[laughs]'' :'''Brian''': Peter, what the hell are you doing? :'''Peter''': I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire! And I'm doin' you, Loretta! :''[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell? :''[the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]'' :'''Cleveland''': Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD! === ''[[w:Petarded|Petarded]]'' === :'''Peter''': My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white! :'''Brian''': Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... '''YEEEAAAAHHH!''' IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that. :'''Meg''': I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again! :'''Stewie''': Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. <hr width=50%/> :'''Judge''': Well, if there's nothing further, I hereby sentence- :'''Peter''': Wait, wait, wait. Your Honor, there is something further. Look, I know I screwed up big time. But I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them. And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say? :'''Judge''': Are you kidding? You're a monster! In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free. :'''Peter''': Does that mean I get my kids back? :'''Judge''': Absolutely not! Case closed! ''[bangs his gavel]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, crap! ''[to the judge]'' Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison. :'''Judge''': Aw, I already banged the hammer! === ''[[w:Brian the Bachelor|Brian the Bachelor]]'' === :''[Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]'' :'''Stewie''': Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. ''(realizes what he just said):'' Ugh, even ''I'' found that to be in bad taste. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire's Mother''': Glenn, would you feed Mittens? :'''Quagmire''': Mittens has food in his bowl! :'''Quagmire's Mother''': That's old food! ''[Mittens meows]'' :'''Quagmire''': Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP! :'''Quagmire's Mother''': Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family! :'''Quagmire''': Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone! === ''8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter'' === :'''Peter''': All right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. ''[he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles]'' Okay, here we go. ''[short pause]'' How's everybody doing? :'''Brian''': Good. Good so far. :'''Peter''': All right, all right. :'''Stewie''': Nothing yet. :'''Peter''': Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Stewie''': Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Chris''': ''[feels his upset stomach]'' I'm starting to feel funny. :'''Brian''': Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Chris''': Oh, boy! ''[gets up]'' That means I win! I get to eat the-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[vomits again]'' Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me? But-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Stewie''': No, please...no more...no more, no-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Chris''': Dad, I'm scared... ''[vomits again]'' :'''Brian''': Get the phone, call 911-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Peter''': Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Brian''': Ugh. Okay. Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Stewie''': I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Brian''': Ugh! Peter, I need you to hold my ears-- :''[Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]'' :'''Lois''': ''[enters with a pot]'' Who wants chowder? :''[Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Liddane''': ''[in tears]'' I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me! :'''Stewie''': He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just - lemme just hold you for a while... :''[the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Liddane's left breast; Liddane reacts, then slaps Stewie]'' :'''Liddane''': Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no! No! :'''Stewie''': But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... ''[wails like a normal baby]'' :'''Liddane''': No more TV! :'''Stewie''': Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun! === ''[[w:Breaking Out Is Hard to Do|Breaking Out Is Hard to Do]]'' === :'''Brian''': Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids. :''[cut to Peter in a hospital with four kids in beds]'' :'''Peter''': Hi there, how y'all doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- ''[the kids stare at him]'' Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- ''[hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed]'' Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler? :'''Kid''': Dying hurts... :'''Peter''': Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same ol' routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like there was a secret hole in me. :'''Quagmire''' ''[in the background]'': Oh, God! :'''Lois''': ...And I was tryna fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things... :'''Quagmire''': ''Oh, God!'' :'''Lois''': ...And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole. :'''Quagmire''': '''OH GOD!!!''' :'''Lois''': I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. :'''Quagmire''': That one is also sexual. ''[walks away happily]'' === ''Model Misbehavior'' === :'''Peter''': So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat. :'''Carter''': Are you calling me gay? :'''Peter''': No, no. I just - I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on - on - on your poopdeck. ''[Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair]''. <hr width="50%"> : '''Stewie''': Oh and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him until he gets out of rehab. :''[Cutaway to Cookie Monster from [[Sesame Street]] reading a book in Rehab, Until the Rehab doctor and assistants enter the room.]'' :'''Rehab Doctor''': Contraband check. ''[They find a plate of cookies.]'' What are these? :'''Cookie Monster''': I don't know. :'''Rehab Doctor''': What do you mean you don't know? :'''Cookie Monster''': I-I don't know how they got here. :'''Rehab Doctor''': Well I think you ''do'' Know. :'''Cookie Monster''': No, no... Uh... Derek was in here earlier... Um... he was making the beds. He probably put them... I was in the John. :''[Due to his cookie addiction, he proceeds to go crazy and eat all the cookies on the plate. He is now being held down by assistants on the bed while screaming and kicking.]'' :'''Cookie Monster''': '''YOU GUYS ARE NAZIS, MAN! YOU'RE FREAKING NAZIS!! AAAH!!!''' :'''Rehab Doctor''': ''[sedates him, putting him to sleep.]'' Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. ===''[[w:Peter's Got Woods|Peter's Got Woods]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[reads [[The Da Vinci Code]]]'' Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air. :''[cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo! :'''Stewie''': Yes, I see you, fat man. :'''Peter''': ''[gasps]'' Where's Daddy? ''[covers eyes]'' :'''Stewie''': What? ''[looks around]'' Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see. Well, he must really be gone. ''[starts picking his nose]'' :'''Peter''': ''[removes hands from eyes]'' Peek-a-boo! :'''Stewie''': Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my-- ''[Peter covers his eyes again]'' Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence. ===''The Perfect Castaway''=== :''[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire float on a raft after the storm]'' :'''Joe''': We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. :''[Peter eats something]'' :'''Quagmire''': Hey, what's that? :'''Peter''': ''[stops]'' What? :'''Cleveland''': You're eatin' somethin'! :'''Joe''': You bastard! You have food?! :'''Peter''': I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Joe''': Gimme that! :''[he and Peter fight over what Peter has been eating until Joe screams at what he has seen; Cleveland and Quagmire shout in shock]'' :'''Joe''': Peter! You've been eating my legs?! :'''Peter''': Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. :'''Joe''': WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! :'''Peter''': Look, look, Joe, I...! :'''Joe''': YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!! :'''Peter''': Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree. <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire exit their cruise ship and return to Quahog]'' :'''Joe''': Well, that was a great cruise. :'''Peter''': Yeah. The buffet was great! :'''Cleveland''': And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet. :''[two men carry an incapacitated Skeet Ulrich on a stretcher]'' :'''Man''': Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital. :'''Ulrich''': ''[to Cleveland; in pain and anger]'' You bastard! :'''Cleveland''': There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are. === ''[[wikipedia:Jungle Love (Family Guy)|Jungle Love]]''=== :'''Unemployer''': Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery. :'''Peter''': Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study. :''[cut to two doctors in a small window]'' :'''Doctor''': Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. ''[screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]'' :'''Peter''': I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- ''[turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam]'' Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were... <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went. :''[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]'' :'''Meg''': Dad? What the hell are you doing!? :'''Peter''': ''[drunk]'' Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants? ===''[[w:PTV (Family Guy)|PTV]]''=== :''[Peter and Brian watch TV]'' :'''Announcer''': And now, stay tuned for ''[[Three's Company]]''. :''[the television shows ''[[Three's Company]]'']'' :'''Chrissy''': Jack, are you out there? I wanna show you my new bikini. :''[her top is blacked out]'' :'''Peter''': What the hell?! Why they blockin' out all the good stuff? :''[he switches to another station showing ''[[The Dick Van Dyke Show]]'', with "Dick" and "Dyke" crossed out in the title]'' :'''Announcer''': It's ''The ''[bleep]'' Van ''[bleep]'' Show'', starring ''[bleep]'' Van ''[bleep]''. :'''Peter''': They're messin' with my shows! :'''Brian''': Come to think of it, there was something very different about that ''Honeymooners'' episode I watched today. :''[flashback to said episode of said program]'' :'''Ralph''': One of these days, Alice, one of these days,...! :'''Dubbed voice''': ''[over Ralph's line: "Pow! Right to the moon!"]'' I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. :''[back to the present]'' :'''Brian''': This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant. :'''Peter''': What the hell?! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot! Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter starts his broadcast of PTV]'' :'''Peter''': Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watchin' PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. Like the episode of ''All in the Family'' where Archie got the Jeffersons to move. :''[he shows a clip of said episode of All in the Family; Archie burns down a cross in front of George's house]'' :'''Archie''': Time for you to move there, Jefferson! :'''Edith''': Oh, Archie! I can't see outta my sheet! :'''Archie''': Edith, will ya stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus! :''[cut back to PTV]'' :'''Peter''': And who could forget that classic episode of ''The Waltons''? :''[he shows a clip of said episode of The Waltons]'' :'''Mary Ellen''': Good night, Jim-Bob. :'''Jim-Bob''': Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa. :'''Pa''': Good night, Jim-Bob. Good night, Elizabeth. :'''Elizabeth''': Good night, Pa. Good night, Ma. :'''Ma''': Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, John-Boy. ''[silence]'' Good night, John-Boy. :''[she walks up to John-Boy's door and opens it]'' :'''Ma''': John-Boy? :'''John-Boy''': Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house? === ''[[w:Brian Goes Back to College|Brian Goes Back to College]]'' === :''[Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]'' :'''Chris''': Hi, Dad! :'''Peter''': Go to your room. :'''Chris''': Okay! ''[heads upstairs and falls through to the floor again]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': You know, I thought I could help people with this whole [[w:The A-Team|A-Team]] thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude ''[[w:Playboy|Playboy]]'' spread of [[w:Deborah Gibson|Debbie Gibson]]. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?" === ''[[w:The Courtship of Stewie's Father|The Courtship of Stewie's Father]]'' === :'''Tom''': We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie? :''[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]'' :'''Ollie''': Everybody looks like ants! :'''Tom''': Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. :'''Stewie''': Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. ''[holds his finger out, Peter pulls it]'' Wait... ''[farts]'' Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer! :''[Lois furiously comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner? <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up. :'''Peter''': Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood. :'''Brian''': Are ya sure? ''[leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]'' :It's [[w:Peanut Butter Jelly Time|Peanut Butter Jelly Time]]! :Peanut Butter Jelly Time! :Peanut Butter Jelly Time! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Now, there he go! :There he go! :There he go! :There he go! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :'''Peter''': Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. ''[leaves]'' :'''Brian''': ''[continues singing and dancing]'' Do the Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat! ===''[[w:The Fat Guy Strangler|The Fat Guy Strangler]]''=== :''[Lois is watching ''[[w:The Price Is Right|The Price Is Right]]'' on TV]'' :'''[[w:Bob Barker|Barker]]''': All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? :'''Jennifer''': Um... $675, Bob. :'''Barker''': $675. Stephen? :'''Stephen''': Uh, $780. :'''Barker''': $780. Tammy? :'''Tammy''': What was the last bid? :'''Barker''': $780. :'''Tammy''': $781. :'''Stephen''': Fuck you! <hr width=50%/> :''[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic. :'''Brian''': Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo. :'''Stewie''': Wait a second. I'll be right back. ''[leaves, then returns with a cucumber]'' Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? :''[both laugh]'' :'''Brian''': I don't know, man! It's his wife! :'''Stewie''': You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? :'''Brian''': ''[laughing]'' Hey, Marian's giving you a thumbs up! ''[laughs]'' :'''Stewie''': You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles! :''[both laugh]'' :'''Stewie''': If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak! :''[both laugh harder]'' === ''[[w:The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz|The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz]]'' === :'''Announcer''': And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island". :''[in the movie, 2 men are wading in the water]'' :'''Mark''': You think we should be this far out? :'''Other Man''': Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine. :'''Jaws''': ''[sounds like Bruce]'' Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up dem shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. ''(hums his theme)'' Oh, now wait a minute, I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. ''[eats the two men]'' Mmm, yummy. Mmm. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': ''[prays to Fonzie]'' Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign. :''[the doorbell rings; Peter opens it; inside comes Lindsay Lohan, nude and walking like a crab]'' :'''Lohan''': Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. :'''Peter''': ''[amazed]'' It sure is! Fonzie be praised! === ''[[w:Brian Sings and Swings|Brian Sings and Swings]]'' === :''[at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]'' :'''Bruce''': I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items. :'''Cashier''': That's fine. :'''Bruce''': No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the [[w:aluminum foil|Reynolds Wrap]] and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. ''[Stewie, behind him in line, sighs]'' 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay. I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. ''[dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': ''[after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant]'' Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché! :'''Brian''': I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? Because life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it. :'''Stewie''': Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control. :'''Brian''': You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something's is really, really funny? :''[cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching ''[[w:Hope & Faith|Hope & Faith]]'']'' :'''Faith''': Well, Hope, I don't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits. :'''Hope''': Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking power. It's ''sneezing'' powder. :''[Stewie laughing]'' :'''Faith''': But, I already bought a whole batch to the church bake sale. :''[Stewie laughing]'' :'''Hope''': No wonder that priest kept saying "Bless you". :''[Stewie laughing]'' :''[cut back to Stewie and Brian]'' :'''Stewie''': Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. ''[voice breaks]'' You matter big time... ''[runs off]'' ===''[[w:Patriot Games (Family Guy)|Patriot Games]]''=== :'''Peter''': All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do - by taking steroids! <hr width=50%> :''[Brian has finished showering, and walks to the door with a towel wrapped around him. He opens the door to see Stewie holding a glass of orange juice.'' :'''Brian''': Stewie. Uh, hey. :'''Stewie''': Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money? :'''Brian''': Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you. :'''Stewie''': Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today. :'''Brian''': Yeah, I don't have it. Sorry. :'''Stewie''': Oh. Well, alright then. ''[drinks his orange juice]'' Mmm, that's good OJ. ''[angrily smashes the glass on Brian's head, causing him to scream in pain with eyes bleeding]'' Yeah, that hurt?! That hurt?! :'''Brian''': What the hell?! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? ''[punches Brian and throws him aside]'' Yeah, that's what happens, man! :'''Brian''': Oh, my god! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that's what happens! ''[punches Brian twice]'' Where's my money?! Ya gonna give me my money?! Where's the money, man! ''[grabs the towel rack and beats Brian up with it]'' Where's the money?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! ''[pulls Brian to the toilet and dunks his head in, hits him with the toilet lid]'' Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! ''[throws him out of the toilet, Brian coughs blood and water]'' You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till five o'clock! :'''Brian''': You freakin' psychopath! :'''Stewie''': ''[tosses the towel to Brian and leaves]'' Yeah, clean yourself up. === ''[[w:I Take Thee Quagmire|I Take Thee Quagmire]]'' === :''[scene from "[[w:Wheel of Fortune|Wheel of Fortune]]"]'' :'''[[Pat Sajak]]''': All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations. :'''Peter''': Thanks, Regis. :'''Sajak''': Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel. :'''Peter''': Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the [[w:Batman|Batman]] symbol. :'''Sajak''': Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out. :'''Peter''': Is it [[w:Alex Karras|Alex Karras]] in ''[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]]?'' ''[the whole puzzle is revealed]'' :'''Sajak''': ''(in the state of shock)'' I...don't...believe it. :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. :'''Sajak''': That's you. :'''Peter''': Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate. :''[at home]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV! :'''Brian''': I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when [[Adam West]] was on "[[Jeopardy!]]". :''[cut to "[[Jeopardy!]]"]'' :'''[[Alex Trebek|Trebek]]''': All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? ''[West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely]'' "Kebert Xela." ''[groans; disappears]'' :'''West''': Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs. === ''[[w:Sibling Rivalry (Family Guy)|Sibling Rivalry]]'' === :'''Lois''': ''[taking a pregnancy test]'' Okay, 1 more minute, and then if there are two pink lines... :'''Peter''': Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, [[Happy Days|Richie, Joanie,]] [[The Brady Bunch|Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan,]] [[W:Growing Pains|Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner,]] [[Family Matters|Urkel,]] [[Three's Company|Mr. Furley...]] :'''Brian''': Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the '''[[w:Nick at Nite|Nick at Nite]]''' lineup. :'''Peter''': [[w:Blanka|Blanka,]] [[w:Zangief|Zangief,]] [[w:Chun-Li|Chun-Li,]] [[w:Guile (Street Fighter)|Guile,]] [[w:E. Honda|E. Honda...]] :'''Brian''': That's ''[[w:Street Fighter|Street Fighter]]''. :'''Peter''': <span style=color:red>Red</span>, <span style=color:blue>blue</span>, <span style=color:green>green</span>... :'''Brian''': Those are colors. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Hartman''': ''(after Lois has recovered from her heart attack)'' Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine. :'''Lois''': Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg? :'''Meg''': For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? : '''Lois''': Chris, we all love your hat. :'''Chris''': Thanks, Mom! ''[to Dr. Hartman]'' Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? :'''Dr. Hartman''': Well, we stored it all in this storage room. ''[opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]'' :'''Peter''': Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like. === ''[[w:Deep Throats|Deep Throats]]'' === :'''Brian''': Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. :'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[within the shadows]'' You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. :'''Brian''': Uh, okay. :'''Kermit''': Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. :'''Brian''': ''[recognizing him]'' Kermit the Frog? :'''Kermit''': ''[gasps]'' Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! ''[flees from the scene]'' YAAAAAAAAAAY!!! :'''Stewie''': What's his appeal? <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': Alright, let's get out of here. :'''Stewie''': Oh, God, l feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. :''[Cut to Stewie's said cousin on the couch with Katie Holmes]'' :'''Stewie Cruise''': l'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! ===''[[w:Peterotica|Peterotica]]''=== :'''[[w:Kool-Aid Man|Kool-Aid Man]]''': ''[after a car crashes into his house]'' Wow, you know, from the other side that's kind of annoying. <hr width=50%> :'''[[w:Betty White|Betty White]]''': Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible. ===''[[w:You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives|You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives]]''=== :'''Chris''': She's so pretty that if your [[w:Hacky Sack|Hacky Sack]] were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them. :'''Classmate''': What? Kick them around? :'''Chris''': Um, wait...yes. <hr width=50%> :''[actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]'' :'''Chris''': Matthew McConaughey? :'''McConaughey''': Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie. :''[Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]'' :'''Stewie''': Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing. :'''Chris''': But I... :'''Stewie''': Grab his legs! :''[Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]'' ===''[[w:Petergeist|Petergeist]]''=== :'''Bruce''': ''[as a spiritual guide]'' Lois, I told you, it ain't safe! :'''Peter''': I'll tell you what's not safe: Goin' huntin' with [[Dick Cheney]]. :''[cut to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]'' :'''Peter''': So, y'all set to go huntin'? ''[Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]'' :'''Cheney''': Sorry, I thought you were a deer. <hr width=50%> :''[Carrot Top runs out of the hall of mirrors after tricking Peter, but the latter comes out successfully, much to the former's surprise]'' :'''Carrot Top''': What the hell? How did you find me? :'''Peter''': ''[shows Carrot Top a saw wearing glasses]'' I found this saw with glasses on it. :'''Carrot Top''': ''[takes the saw]'' Oh, that's my "See"-saw! :''[Peter laughs]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fuckin' funny! You are so - Goddamn you for being so funny! ''[laughs again]'' Oh, my God! ===''[[w:Untitled Griffin Family History|Untitled Griffin Family History]]''=== :''[Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]'' :'''Lois''': Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes? :''[Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]'' :'''Peter''': They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The%20Godfather The Godfather]. :'''Lois''': What?! :'''Peter''': Did not care for The Godfather. :'''Chris''': How can you even say that? :'''Peter''': Didn’t-didn’t like it. :'''Lois''': Peter, it’s so good- it’s like the perfect movie. :'''Peter''': This is what everyone always says- everyone always says ''[imitates various voices telling him they also disagree]'' :'''Chris''': [[Robert De Niro]], [[Al Pacino]], I mean- [[Robert Duvall|ROBERT DUVALL]]! :'''Peter''': I know- look, fine, fine actor, did not like the movie. :'''Brian''': Why not? :'''Peter''': Couldn’t get into it. :'''Lois''': Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it? :'''Peter''': It insists upon itself, Lois. :'''Lois''': What? :'''Peter''': It insists upon itself. :'''Lois''': What does that even mean? :'''Chris''': ‘Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent! :'''Peter''': It takes forever gettin’ in, you spend nearly six-and-a-half hours and then- you know I can’t even finish the movie; I’ve never even seen the ending. :'''Chris''': You’ve never seen the ending?! :'''Stewie''': Well how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t given it a chance? :'''Lois''': I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair. :'''Peter''': I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sittin’ around in the easy chairs- :'''Lois''': Yeah, that’s a great scene. I love that scene. :'''Peter''': I have no idea what they’re talkin’ about; it’s like they’re speaking a different language- that’s why I lose interest. :'''Chris''': They’re speaking Italian! :'''Lois''': The language they’re speaking is a language of subtlety, something you don’t understand. :'''Peter''': I love ''[[The Money Pit]]''. That is my answer to that statement. :'''Lois''': Exactly. :'''Peter''': Well, there ya go. :'''Lois''': Whatever. :'''Chris''': I like that movie, too. ===''[[w:Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story|Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story]]''=== :''[Stewie and Brian are playing ''[[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]'' while intoxicated]'' :'''Brian''': Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get, get the fruit. :'''Stewie''': I'm not gonna get the fruit. :'''Brian''': Get the fruit :'''Stewie''': I-I can't get the fruit. :'''Brian''': Get the fruit man! :'''Stewie''': ''[angrily]'' I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT! THERE'S A GHOST RIGHT THERE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tricia''': Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation? :'''Peter''': Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to [[w:Alan Alda|Alan Alda]], and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was ''my'' face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work. :''[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]'' :'''Cleveland''': Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me. :'''Peter''': Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director! :'''Cleveland''': Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin! :''[Stewie walks in, wearing a tribal skirt and a drum for some reason]'' :'''Stewie''': Did I miss my cue? :''[in the bar]'' :'''Peter''': Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode. :''[cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]'' :'''Chris''': ''[nervously]'' Oh, uh...hi, Mom. :'''Lois''': ''[in a shaky voice]'' Hi, Chris... ''[they both have a shameful look on their faces]'' :'''Brian''': ''[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong']'' WRONG! It's WRONG! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tricia''': Peter, is there anything else you want to say? :'''Peter''': Yeah, I got something to say. ''[stands on a stool]'' You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. ''[Peter farts; everyone laughs]'' :'''Lois''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Peter! :'''Peter''': Hehehehehe! Still got it! ''[the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]'' :'''Peter''': That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. ''[farts again, then laughs]'' Just yankin' ya. ''[scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0182576|title=Family Guy}} * [http://www.familyguy.com FamilyGuy.com] * [http://www.messengertools.net/Family-Guy-Quotes-1.html Family Guy Quotes] * [http://www.familyguyquotes.com FamilyGuyQuotes.com] * [http://familyguy-cartoon.blogspot.com/ Family Guy Resources] [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] cd0du24m613f1p5nzfpu0m7h6i8ij3l 3955218 3955215 2026-06-22T04:44:46Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* North by North Quahog */ 3955218 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} ===''[[w:North by North Quahog|North by North Quahog]]''=== :'''Peter''': Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled. :'''Lois''': Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that? :'''Peter''': Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like ''[[Dark Angel]]'', ''[[Titus (TV series)|Titus]]'', ''[[Undeclared]]'', ''[[w:Action (TV series)|Action]]'', [[w:That '80s Show|''That '80s Show'']], [[w:Wonderfalls|''Wonderfalls'']], [[w:Fastlane (TV series)|''Fastlane'']], [[Andy Richter Controls the Universe|''Andy Richter Controls the Universe'']], [[w:Skin (American TV series)|''Skin'']], [[w:Girls Club|''Girls Club'']], [[w:Cracking Up|''Cracking Up'']], [[w:The Pitts|''The Pitts'']], [[Firefly (TV series)|''Firefly'']], ''[[w:Get Real (American TV series)|Get Real]]'', [[w:FreakyLinks|''FreakyLinks'']], [[w:Wanda at Large|''Wanda at Large'']], ''[[w:Costello (TV series)|Costello]]'', [[w:The Lone Gunmen|''The Lone Gunmen'']], ''[[w:A Minute With Stan Hooper|A Minute With Stan Hooper]]'', [[w:Normal, Ohio|''Normal, Ohio'']], [[w:Pasadena (TV series)|''Pasadena'']], [[w:Harsh Realm|''Harsh Realm'']], ''[[w:Keen Eddie|Keen Eddie]]'', [[w:The $treet|''The $treet'']], ''[[w:American Embassy|American Embassy]]'', ''[[w:Cedric the Entertainer Presents|Cedric the Entertainer]]'', [[w:Tick (character)|''The Tick'']], ''[[w:Luis Guzmán|Luis]]'' and [[Greg the Bunny|''Greg the Bunny'']]. :'''Lois''': Is there no hope? :'''Peter''': Well, I suppose if '''''all''''' those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Friend''': Come on, Chris, it's just vodka! Jake swiped it from his dad's liquor cabinet. ''[pours vodka into Jake's mouth]'' :'''Jake''': Yeah, see? It's good! :'''Chris''': Well, okay, maybe just one sip. ''[About to drink. Then a teacher opens the door]'' :'''Teacher''': Christopher Griffin! Is that alcohol?! Mister, you're in serious trouble. ''[Flint from "G.I. Joe" comes in from behind stall]'' :'''[[w:Flint (G.I. Joe)|Flint]]''': He's absolutely right, kids. Because when you drink, nobody wins. In fact, last year alone there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse. :'''Kids''': Now we know! :'''Flint''': And knowing is half the battle. :'''Chorus''': ''G.I. Joooooooe!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom''': ''[Meg is sitting on the couch watching the news. Jake’s picture is shown on the screen in between Tom and Diane with his eyes obscured by a black bar]'' In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie? :'''Ollie''': HE GON' GET IT! :'''Tom''': Thanks, Ollie. Now this. :'''Meg''': So you actually put coke in that kid’s locker? :'''Brian''': Yup. :'''Meg''': Wow! Where’d ya get it? :'''Brian''': Oh. I got a guy. :''[Greased-Up Deaf Guy comes on screen]'' :'''Greased-Up Deaf Guy''': Don’t let it get the best of you! I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America! === ''Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High'' === :'''Mrs. Lockhart''': Good morning, class. :'''Chris and other students''': Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart. :'''Mrs. Lockhart''': I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris? :''[she holds up Chris' failed quiz in front of her chest; Chris takes a gander]'' :'''Chris''': Two Ds and an F. <hr width=50%/> :''[Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]'' :'''Lois''': No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen [[Oz (TV Series)|Oz]]. :''[Cut to a group of prisoners singing in the shower]'' :'''Prisoners''': ''Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,'' :''Whether you're white or bronze!'' :''A man can wash another man'' :''In [[w:The Merry Old Land of Oz|the merry old land of Oz!]]'' === ''[[w:Blind Ambition (Family Guy)|Blind Ambition]]'' === :'''Brian''': ''[sees Brutus]'' Peter, what the hell is that? :'''Peter''': Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus. :'''Brian''': What do you need a seeing eye dog for? :'''Peter''': Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with '''[[w:Superman|Superman]]'''. :''[cut to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]'' :'''Superman''': We must stop '''[[w:Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]]''' before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. ''[Peter walks into the lair]'' :'''Peter''': Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here. <hr width=50%/> :'''God''': ''[talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam]'' Oh uh, let me light that for ya, babe. ''[makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]'' :'''Woman''': Wow! :'''God''': Yep, magic fingers. ''[God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes]'' Jesus Christ! :'''Jesus''': What? :'''God''': Get the Escalade. We're outta here! === ''Don't Make Me Over'' === :'''Peter''': Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital. :''[Cutaway to hospital]'' :'''Peter''': I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life. :'''Man''': Oh, my God... :'''Peter''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, no, I'm just kidding! She's dead! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay. :''[cut to a scene from [[w:The Wizard of Oz|The Wizard of Oz]]. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow]'' :'''Tin Man''': Oh, oh, look what happened by accident. === ''[[w:The Cleveland–Loretta Quagmire|The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire]]'' === :'''Peter''': Your wife's cheatin' on ya. :'''Cleveland''': What?! :'''Peter''': Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!". :'''Brian''': Uh, Peter... :'''Peter''': Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... ''[imitates Loretta]'' "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm? :''[switch to Bamm-Bamm Rubble]'' :'''Bamm-Bamm''': ''[bangs his club]'' Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! ''[stops]'' You wanna take it from here, Emeril? :''[switch to Emeril Lagasse]'' :'''Lagasse''': Bam! :'''Peter''': So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will. :''[he puts on a Quagmire mask]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, look at me! I'm Quagmire! I had sex with your wife! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity! :''[Cleveland laughs]'' :'''Cleveland''': Those are so his mannerisms. ''[laughs]'' :'''Brian''': Peter, what the hell are you doing? :'''Peter''': I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire! And I'm doin' you, Loretta! :''[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell? :''[the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]'' :'''Cleveland''': Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD! === ''[[w:Petarded|Petarded]]'' === :'''Peter''': My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white! :'''Brian''': Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... '''YEEEAAAAHHH!''' IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that. :'''Meg''': I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again! :'''Stewie''': Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. <hr width=50%/> :'''Judge''': Well, if there's nothing further, I hereby sentence- :'''Peter''': Wait, wait, wait. Your Honor, there is something further. Look, I know I screwed up big time. But I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them. And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say? :'''Judge''': Are you kidding? You're a monster! In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free. :'''Peter''': Does that mean I get my kids back? :'''Judge''': Absolutely not! Case closed! ''[bangs his gavel]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, crap! ''[to the judge]'' Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison. :'''Judge''': Aw, I already banged the hammer! === ''[[w:Brian the Bachelor|Brian the Bachelor]]'' === :''[Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]'' :'''Stewie''': Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. ''(realizes what he just said):'' Ugh, even ''I'' found that to be in bad taste. <hr width=50%> :'''Quagmire's Mother''': Glenn, would you feed Mittens? :'''Quagmire''': Mittens has food in his bowl! :'''Quagmire's Mother''': That's old food! ''[Mittens meows]'' :'''Quagmire''': Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP! :'''Quagmire's Mother''': Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family! :'''Quagmire''': Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone! === ''8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter'' === :'''Peter''': All right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. ''[he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles]'' Okay, here we go. ''[short pause]'' How's everybody doing? :'''Brian''': Good. Good so far. :'''Peter''': All right, all right. :'''Stewie''': Nothing yet. :'''Peter''': Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Stewie''': Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Chris''': ''[feels his upset stomach]'' I'm starting to feel funny. :'''Brian''': Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Chris''': Oh, boy! ''[gets up]'' That means I win! I get to eat the-- ''[starts vomiting]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[vomits again]'' Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me? But-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Stewie''': No, please...no more...no more, no-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Chris''': Dad, I'm scared... ''[vomits again]'' :'''Brian''': Get the phone, call 911-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Peter''': Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Brian''': Ugh. Okay. Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Stewie''': I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- ''[vomits again]'' :'''Brian''': Ugh! Peter, I need you to hold my ears-- :''[Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]'' :'''Lois''': ''[enters with a pot]'' Who wants chowder? :''[Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Liddane''': ''[in tears]'' I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me! :'''Stewie''': He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just - lemme just hold you for a while... :''[the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Liddane's left breast; Liddane reacts, then slaps Stewie]'' :'''Liddane''': Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no! No! :'''Stewie''': But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... ''[wails like a normal baby]'' :'''Liddane''': No more TV! :'''Stewie''': Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun! === ''[[w:Breaking Out Is Hard to Do|Breaking Out Is Hard to Do]]'' === :'''Brian''': Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids. :''[cut to Peter in a hospital with four kids in beds]'' :'''Peter''': Hi there, how y'all doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- ''[the kids stare at him]'' Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- ''[hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed]'' Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler? :'''Kid''': Dying hurts... :'''Peter''': Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same ol' routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like there was a secret hole in me. :'''Quagmire''' ''[in the background]'': Oh, God! :'''Lois''': ...And I was tryna fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things... :'''Quagmire''': ''Oh, God!'' :'''Lois''': ...And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole. :'''Quagmire''': '''OH GOD!!!''' :'''Lois''': I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. :'''Quagmire''': That one is also sexual. ''[walks away happily]'' === ''Model Misbehavior'' === :'''Peter''': So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat. :'''Carter''': Are you calling me gay? :'''Peter''': No, no. I just - I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on - on - on your poopdeck. ''[Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair]''. <hr width="50%"> : '''Stewie''': Oh and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him until he gets out of rehab. :''[Cutaway to Cookie Monster from [[Sesame Street]] reading a book in Rehab, Until the Rehab doctor and assistants enter the room.]'' :'''Rehab Doctor''': Contraband check. ''[They find a plate of cookies.]'' What are these? :'''Cookie Monster''': I don't know. :'''Rehab Doctor''': What do you mean you don't know? :'''Cookie Monster''': I-I don't know how they got here. :'''Rehab Doctor''': Well I think you ''do'' Know. :'''Cookie Monster''': No, no... Uh... Derek was in here earlier... Um... he was making the beds. He probably put them... I was in the John. :''[Due to his cookie addiction, he proceeds to go crazy and eat all the cookies on the plate. He is now being held down by assistants on the bed while screaming and kicking.]'' :'''Cookie Monster''': '''YOU GUYS ARE NAZIS, MAN! YOU'RE FREAKING NAZIS!! AAAH!!!''' :'''Rehab Doctor''': ''[sedates him, putting him to sleep.]'' Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. ===''[[w:Peter's Got Woods|Peter's Got Woods]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[reads [[The Da Vinci Code]]]'' Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air. :''[cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo! :'''Stewie''': Yes, I see you, fat man. :'''Peter''': ''[gasps]'' Where's Daddy? ''[covers eyes]'' :'''Stewie''': What? ''[looks around]'' Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see. Well, he must really be gone. ''[starts picking his nose]'' :'''Peter''': ''[removes hands from eyes]'' Peek-a-boo! :'''Stewie''': Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my-- ''[Peter covers his eyes again]'' Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence. ===''The Perfect Castaway''=== :''[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire float on a raft after the storm]'' :'''Joe''': We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'. :''[Peter eats something]'' :'''Quagmire''': Hey, what's that? :'''Peter''': ''[stops]'' What? :'''Cleveland''': You're eatin' somethin'! :'''Joe''': You bastard! You have food?! :'''Peter''': I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Joe''': Gimme that! :''[he and Peter fight over what Peter has been eating until Joe screams at what he has seen; Cleveland and Quagmire shout in shock]'' :'''Joe''': Peter! You've been eating my legs?! :'''Peter''': Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this. :'''Joe''': WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! :'''Peter''': Look, look, Joe, I...! :'''Joe''': YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!! :'''Peter''': Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree. <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire exit their cruise ship and return to Quahog]'' :'''Joe''': Well, that was a great cruise. :'''Peter''': Yeah. The buffet was great! :'''Cleveland''': And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet. :''[two men carry an incapacitated Skeet Ulrich on a stretcher]'' :'''Man''': Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital. :'''Ulrich''': ''[to Cleveland; in pain and anger]'' You bastard! :'''Cleveland''': There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are. === ''[[wikipedia:Jungle Love (Family Guy)|Jungle Love]]''=== :'''Unemployer''': Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery. :'''Peter''': Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study. :''[cut to two doctors in a small window]'' :'''Doctor''': Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. ''[screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]'' :'''Peter''': I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- ''[turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam]'' Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were... <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went. :''[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]'' :'''Meg''': Dad? What the hell are you doing!? :'''Peter''': ''[drunk]'' Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants? ===''[[w:PTV (Family Guy)|PTV]]''=== :''[Peter and Brian watch TV]'' :'''Announcer''': And now, stay tuned for ''[[Three's Company]]''. :''[the television shows ''[[Three's Company]]'']'' :'''Chrissy''': Jack, are you out there? I wanna show you my new bikini. :''[her top is blacked out]'' :'''Peter''': What the hell?! Why they blockin' out all the good stuff? :''[he switches to another station showing ''[[The Dick Van Dyke Show]]'', with "Dick" and "Dyke" crossed out in the title]'' :'''Announcer''': It's ''The ''[bleep]'' Van ''[bleep]'' Show'', starring ''[bleep]'' Van ''[bleep]''. :'''Peter''': They're messin' with my shows! :'''Brian''': Come to think of it, there was something very different about that ''Honeymooners'' episode I watched today. :''[flashback to said episode of said program]'' :'''Ralph''': One of these days, Alice, one of these days,...! :'''Dubbed voice''': ''[over Ralph's line: "Pow! Right to the moon!"]'' I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car. :''[back to the present]'' :'''Brian''': This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant. :'''Peter''': What the hell?! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot! Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this! <hr width=50%> :''[Peter starts his broadcast of PTV]'' :'''Peter''': Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watchin' PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. Like the episode of ''All in the Family'' where Archie got the Jeffersons to move. :''[he shows a clip of said episode of All in the Family; Archie burns down a cross in front of George's house]'' :'''Archie''': Time for you to move there, Jefferson! :'''Edith''': Oh, Archie! I can't see outta my sheet! :'''Archie''': Edith, will ya stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus! :''[cut back to PTV]'' :'''Peter''': And who could forget that classic episode of ''The Waltons''? :''[he shows a clip of said episode of The Waltons]'' :'''Mary Ellen''': Good night, Jim-Bob. :'''Jim-Bob''': Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa. :'''Pa''': Good night, Jim-Bob. Good night, Elizabeth. :'''Elizabeth''': Good night, Pa. Good night, Ma. :'''Ma''': Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, John-Boy. ''[silence]'' Good night, John-Boy. :''[she walks up to John-Boy's door and opens it]'' :'''Ma''': John-Boy? :'''John-Boy''': Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house? === ''[[w:Brian Goes Back to College|Brian Goes Back to College]]'' === :''[Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]'' :'''Chris''': Hi, Dad! :'''Peter''': Go to your room. :'''Chris''': Okay! ''[heads upstairs and falls through to the floor again]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': You know, I thought I could help people with this whole [[w:The A-Team|A-Team]] thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude ''[[w:Playboy|Playboy]]'' spread of [[w:Deborah Gibson|Debbie Gibson]]. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?" === ''[[w:The Courtship of Stewie's Father|The Courtship of Stewie's Father]]'' === :'''Tom''': We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie? :''[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]'' :'''Ollie''': Everybody looks like ants! :'''Tom''': Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue. :'''Stewie''': Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. ''[holds his finger out, Peter pulls it]'' Wait... ''[farts]'' Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer! :''[Lois furiously comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner? <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up. :'''Peter''': Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood. :'''Brian''': Are ya sure? ''[leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]'' :It's [[w:Peanut Butter Jelly Time|Peanut Butter Jelly Time]]! :Peanut Butter Jelly Time! :Peanut Butter Jelly Time! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Where he at?! :Now, there he go! :There he go! :There he go! :There he go! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :'''Peter''': Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. ''[leaves]'' :'''Brian''': ''[continues singing and dancing]'' Do the Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly! :Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat! ===''[[w:The Fat Guy Strangler|The Fat Guy Strangler]]''=== :''[Lois is watching ''[[w:The Price Is Right|The Price Is Right]]'' on TV]'' :'''[[w:Bob Barker|Barker]]''': All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? :'''Jennifer''': Um... $675, Bob. :'''Barker''': $675. Stephen? :'''Stephen''': Uh, $780. :'''Barker''': $780. Tammy? :'''Tammy''': What was the last bid? :'''Barker''': $780. :'''Tammy''': $781. :'''Stephen''': Fuck you! <hr width=50%/> :''[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]'' :'''Stewie''': Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic. :'''Brian''': Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo. :'''Stewie''': Wait a second. I'll be right back. ''[leaves, then returns with a cucumber]'' Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry? :''[both laugh]'' :'''Brian''': I don't know, man! It's his wife! :'''Stewie''': You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch? :'''Brian''': ''[laughing]'' Hey, Marian's giving you a thumbs up! ''[laughs]'' :'''Stewie''': You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles! :''[both laugh]'' :'''Stewie''': If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak! :''[both laugh harder]'' === ''[[w:The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz|The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz]]'' === :'''Announcer''': And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island". :''[in the movie, 2 men are wading in the water]'' :'''Mark''': You think we should be this far out? :'''Other Man''': Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine. :'''Jaws''': ''[sounds like Bruce]'' Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up dem shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. ''(hums his theme)'' Oh, now wait a minute, I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. ''[eats the two men]'' Mmm, yummy. Mmm. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': ''[prays to Fonzie]'' Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign. :''[the doorbell rings; Peter opens it; inside comes Lindsay Lohan, nude and walking like a crab]'' :'''Lohan''': Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. :'''Peter''': ''[amazed]'' It sure is! Fonzie be praised! === ''[[w:Brian Sings and Swings|Brian Sings and Swings]]'' === :''[at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]'' :'''Bruce''': I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items. :'''Cashier''': That's fine. :'''Bruce''': No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the [[w:aluminum foil|Reynolds Wrap]] and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. ''[Stewie, behind him in line, sighs]'' 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay. I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. ''[dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Stewie''': ''[after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant]'' Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché! :'''Brian''': I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? Because life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it. :'''Stewie''': Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control. :'''Brian''': You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something's is really, really funny? :''[cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching ''[[w:Hope & Faith|Hope & Faith]]'']'' :'''Faith''': Well, Hope, I don't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits. :'''Hope''': Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking power. It's ''sneezing'' powder. :''[Stewie laughing]'' :'''Faith''': But, I already bought a whole batch to the church bake sale. :''[Stewie laughing]'' :'''Hope''': No wonder that priest kept saying "Bless you". :''[Stewie laughing]'' :''[cut back to Stewie and Brian]'' :'''Stewie''': Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. ''[voice breaks]'' You matter big time... ''[runs off]'' ===''[[w:Patriot Games (Family Guy)|Patriot Games]]''=== :'''Peter''': All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do - by taking steroids! <hr width=50%> :''[Brian has finished showering, and walks to the door with a towel wrapped around him. He opens the door to see Stewie holding a glass of orange juice.'' :'''Brian''': Stewie. Uh, hey. :'''Stewie''': Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money? :'''Brian''': Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you. :'''Stewie''': Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today. :'''Brian''': Yeah, I don't have it. Sorry. :'''Stewie''': Oh. Well, alright then. ''[drinks his orange juice]'' Mmm, that's good OJ. ''[angrily smashes the glass on Brian's head, causing him to scream in pain with eyes bleeding]'' Yeah, that hurt?! That hurt?! :'''Brian''': What the hell?! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? ''[punches Brian and throws him aside]'' Yeah, that's what happens, man! :'''Brian''': Oh, my god! :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that's what happens! ''[punches Brian twice]'' Where's my money?! Ya gonna give me my money?! Where's the money, man! ''[grabs the towel rack and beats Brian up with it]'' Where's the money?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! ''[pulls Brian to the toilet and dunks his head in, hits him with the toilet lid]'' Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! ''[throws him out of the toilet, Brian coughs blood and water]'' You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till five o'clock! :'''Brian''': You freakin' psychopath! :'''Stewie''': ''[tosses the towel to Brian and leaves]'' Yeah, clean yourself up. === ''[[w:I Take Thee Quagmire|I Take Thee Quagmire]]'' === :''[scene from "[[w:Wheel of Fortune|Wheel of Fortune]]"]'' :'''[[Pat Sajak]]''': All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations. :'''Peter''': Thanks, Regis. :'''Sajak''': Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel. :'''Peter''': Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the [[w:Batman|Batman]] symbol. :'''Sajak''': Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out. :'''Peter''': Is it [[w:Alex Karras|Alex Karras]] in ''[[w:Webster (TV series)|Webster]]?'' ''[the whole puzzle is revealed]'' :'''Sajak''': ''(in the state of shock)'' I...don't...believe it. :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. :'''Sajak''': That's you. :'''Peter''': Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate. :''[at home]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV! :'''Brian''': I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when [[Adam West]] was on "[[Jeopardy!]]". :''[cut to "[[Jeopardy!]]"]'' :'''[[Alex Trebek|Trebek]]''': All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? ''[West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely]'' "Kebert Xela." ''[groans; disappears]'' :'''West''': Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs. === ''[[w:Sibling Rivalry (Family Guy)|Sibling Rivalry]]'' === :'''Lois''': ''[taking a pregnancy test]'' Okay, 1 more minute, and then if there are two pink lines... :'''Peter''': Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, [[Happy Days|Richie, Joanie,]] [[The Brady Bunch|Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan,]] [[W:Growing Pains|Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner,]] [[Family Matters|Urkel,]] [[Three's Company|Mr. Furley...]] :'''Brian''': Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the '''[[w:Nick at Nite|Nick at Nite]]''' lineup. :'''Peter''': [[w:Blanka|Blanka,]] [[w:Zangief|Zangief,]] [[w:Chun-Li|Chun-Li,]] [[w:Guile (Street Fighter)|Guile,]] [[w:E. Honda|E. Honda...]] :'''Brian''': That's ''[[w:Street Fighter|Street Fighter]]''. :'''Peter''': <span style=color:red>Red</span>, <span style=color:blue>blue</span>, <span style=color:green>green</span>... :'''Brian''': Those are colors. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Hartman''': ''(after Lois has recovered from her heart attack)'' Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine. :'''Lois''': Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg? :'''Meg''': For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better? : '''Lois''': Chris, we all love your hat. :'''Chris''': Thanks, Mom! ''[to Dr. Hartman]'' Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat? :'''Dr. Hartman''': Well, we stored it all in this storage room. ''[opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]'' :'''Peter''': Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like. === ''[[w:Deep Throats|Deep Throats]]'' === :'''Brian''': Thank you for coming, Deep Throat. :'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[within the shadows]'' You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face. :'''Brian''': Uh, okay. :'''Kermit''': Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights. :'''Brian''': ''[recognizing him]'' Kermit the Frog? :'''Kermit''': ''[gasps]'' Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! ''[flees from the scene]'' YAAAAAAAAAAY!!! :'''Stewie''': What's his appeal? <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': Alright, let's get out of here. :'''Stewie''': Oh, God, l feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise. :''[Cut to Stewie's said cousin on the couch with Katie Holmes]'' :'''Stewie Cruise''': l'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! ===''[[w:Peterotica|Peterotica]]''=== :'''[[w:Kool-Aid Man|Kool-Aid Man]]''': ''[after a car crashes into his house]'' Wow, you know, from the other side that's kind of annoying. <hr width=50%> :'''[[w:Betty White|Betty White]]''': Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible. ===''[[w:You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives|You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives]]''=== :'''Chris''': She's so pretty that if your [[w:Hacky Sack|Hacky Sack]] were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them. :'''Classmate''': What? Kick them around? :'''Chris''': Um, wait...yes. <hr width=50%> :''[actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]'' :'''Chris''': Matthew McConaughey? :'''McConaughey''': Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie. :''[Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]'' :'''Stewie''': Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing. :'''Chris''': But I... :'''Stewie''': Grab his legs! :''[Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]'' ===''[[w:Petergeist|Petergeist]]''=== :'''Bruce''': ''[as a spiritual guide]'' Lois, I told you, it ain't safe! :'''Peter''': I'll tell you what's not safe: Goin' huntin' with [[Dick Cheney]]. :''[cut to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]'' :'''Peter''': So, y'all set to go huntin'? ''[Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]'' :'''Cheney''': Sorry, I thought you were a deer. <hr width=50%> :''[Carrot Top runs out of the hall of mirrors after tricking Peter, but the latter comes out successfully, much to the former's surprise]'' :'''Carrot Top''': What the hell? How did you find me? :'''Peter''': ''[shows Carrot Top a saw wearing glasses]'' I found this saw with glasses on it. :'''Carrot Top''': ''[takes the saw]'' Oh, that's my "See"-saw! :''[Peter laughs]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fuckin' funny! You are so - Goddamn you for being so funny! ''[laughs again]'' Oh, my God! ===''[[w:Untitled Griffin Family History|Untitled Griffin Family History]]''=== :''[Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]'' :'''Lois''': Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes? :''[Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]'' :'''Peter''': They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The%20Godfather The Godfather]. :'''Lois''': What?! :'''Peter''': Did not care for The Godfather. :'''Chris''': How can you even say that? :'''Peter''': Didn’t-didn’t like it. :'''Lois''': Peter, it’s so good- it’s like the perfect movie. :'''Peter''': This is what everyone always says- everyone always says ''[imitates various voices telling him they also disagree]'' :'''Chris''': [[Robert De Niro]], [[Al Pacino]], I mean- [[Robert Duvall|ROBERT DUVALL]]! :'''Peter''': I know- look, fine, fine actor, did not like the movie. :'''Brian''': Why not? :'''Peter''': Couldn’t get into it. :'''Lois''': Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it? :'''Peter''': It insists upon itself, Lois. :'''Lois''': What? :'''Peter''': It insists upon itself. :'''Lois''': What does that even mean? :'''Chris''': ‘Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent! :'''Peter''': It takes forever gettin’ in, you spend nearly six-and-a-half hours and then- you know I can’t even finish the movie; I’ve never even seen the ending. :'''Chris''': You’ve never seen the ending?! :'''Stewie''': Well how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t given it a chance? :'''Lois''': I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair. :'''Peter''': I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sittin’ around in the easy chairs- :'''Lois''': Yeah, that’s a great scene. I love that scene. :'''Peter''': I have no idea what they’re talkin’ about; it’s like they’re speaking a different language- that’s why I lose interest. :'''Chris''': They’re speaking Italian! :'''Lois''': The language they’re speaking is a language of subtlety, something you don’t understand. :'''Peter''': I love ''[[The Money Pit]]''. That is my answer to that statement. :'''Lois''': Exactly. :'''Peter''': Well, there ya go. :'''Lois''': Whatever. :'''Chris''': I like that movie, too. ===''[[w:Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story|Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story]]''=== :''[Stewie and Brian are playing ''[[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]'' while intoxicated]'' :'''Brian''': Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get, get the fruit. :'''Stewie''': I'm not gonna get the fruit. :'''Brian''': Get the fruit :'''Stewie''': I-I can't get the fruit. :'''Brian''': Get the fruit man! :'''Stewie''': ''[angrily]'' I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT! THERE'S A GHOST RIGHT THERE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tricia''': Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation? :'''Peter''': Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to [[w:Alan Alda|Alan Alda]], and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was ''my'' face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work. :''[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]'' :'''Cleveland''': Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me. :'''Peter''': Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director! :'''Cleveland''': Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin! :''[Stewie walks in, wearing a tribal skirt and a drum for some reason]'' :'''Stewie''': Did I miss my cue? :''[in the bar]'' :'''Peter''': Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode. :''[cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]'' :'''Chris''': ''[nervously]'' Oh, uh...hi, Mom. :'''Lois''': ''[in a shaky voice]'' Hi, Chris... ''[they both have a shameful look on their faces]'' :'''Brian''': ''[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong']'' WRONG! It's WRONG! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tricia''': Peter, is there anything else you want to say? :'''Peter''': Yeah, I got something to say. ''[stands on a stool]'' You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. ''[Peter farts; everyone laughs]'' :'''Lois''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Peter! :'''Peter''': Hehehehehe! Still got it! ''[the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]'' :'''Peter''': That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. ''[farts again, then laughs]'' Just yankin' ya. ''[scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0182576|title=Family Guy}} * [http://www.familyguy.com FamilyGuy.com] * [http://www.messengertools.net/Family-Guy-Quotes-1.html Family Guy Quotes] * [http://www.familyguyquotes.com FamilyGuyQuotes.com] * [http://familyguy-cartoon.blogspot.com/ Family Guy Resources] [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] 5x0zayfuzlkh7dqvavcrzl8nvkiinui 0 72410 3955152 3875810 2026-06-21T22:09:59Z Meeepmep 2901919 /* Quotes about Zhukov */ 3955152 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Georgy Zhukov 1.jpg|thumb|There's no smoke without fire.]] [[File:Sowj Ehrenmal Tiergarten Statue.jpg|thumb|To the Soviet soldier.]] [[File:Zhukov LIFE.jpg|thumb|It is a fact that under equal conditions, large-scale battles and whole wars are won by troops which have a strong will for victory, clear goals before them, high moral standards, and devotion to the banner under which they go into battle.]] [[File:Георгий Константинович Жуков в военной форме.jpg|thumb|The risks of war present no danger to those who are well prepared for it in advance and who are mindful of their place in the nation's defences. Confusion and panic usually appear wherever there is no adequate organizaton or appropriate leadership at a time of grim trials.]] [[File:RIAN archive 2410 Marshal Zhukov speaking.jpg|thumb|If you feel that the Chief of the General Staff talks only rubbish, my place is not here. Better to give me a command at the front where I can be of better use!]] [[File:Souvenir sheet of Russia stamp no. 716 - 60th anniversary of the Battle of Moscow.jpg|thumb|When I am asked what I remember most of all of the past war, I always answer: the Battle for Moscow. A quarter of a century has passed, but these historic events and battles still remain in memory.]] [[File:Stamp of Russia 2014 No 1841 Medal For the Defence of Moscow.png|thumb|Under hectic, almost catastrophically complicated and difficult conditions our troops were tempered, matured, accumulated experience and, once the absolutely essential minimum of arms were in their hands, moved from retreat and defensive maneuver to a powerful offensive... The Battle for Moscow laid the firm foundations for the ensuing defeat of Nazi Germany.]] [[File:German pows stalingrad 1943.jpg|thumb|Here they found real war, but they were not ready for it. They were used to easy victories. This deprived them of flexibility on the one hand, of tenacity on the other. For them, war was merely maneuvers.]] [[File:United we are strong. United we will win.jpg|thumb|The greatness of heroic victory over Fascist Germany is in the fact that the Soviet Union did not defend the socialist state alone, but that it selflessly fought to defend the internationalist proletarian goal- defeat the bulk of the Nazi armed forces and deliver the peoples of Europe from occupation. The Soviet people have not forgotten other peoples' contribution to the victory over the common enemy. Our army and people remember and value the courage of the Resistance fighters.]] [[File:Raising a flag over the Reichstag.jpg|thumb|I have dedicated this book to the Soviet soldier. It is with his blood and sweat that the victory over the powerful enemy was gained. He knew how to face mortal danger, he displayed a supreme valour and heroism. There is no limit to the greatness of his exploit in the name of his Motherland.]] [[File:IBC_Moscow,_Mar2015.jpg|thumb|There are things in [[Russia]] which are not as they seem.]] '''[[w:Georgy Zhukov|Georgy Konstantinovich Zhukov]]''' ([[December 1]] [O.S. November 19] [[1896]] – [[June 18]], [[1974]]) was a Soviet [[w:General officer|general]] and [[w:Marshal of the Soviet Union|Marshal of the Soviet Union]]. He also served as [[w:Chief of the General Staff of the Red Army|Chief of the General Staff]], [[w:Minister of Defence (Soviet Union)|Minister of Defence]], and was a member of the [[w:Politburo of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Presidium of the Communist Party]] (later Politburo). During the [[World War II|Second World War]], Zhukov oversaw some of the [[Red Army]]'s most decisive victories. == Quotes == * '''It is a fact that under equal conditions, large-scale battles and whole wars are won by troops which have a strong will for victory, clear goals before them, high moral standards, and devotion to the banner under which they go into battle.''' ** Quoted in "The Military Quotation Book" - Page 15 - by James Charlton - 2002 * The nature of encounter operations required of the commanders limitless initiative and constant readiness to take the responsibility for [[military]] actions. ** Quoted in "The Military Quotation Book" - Page 49 - by James Charlton - 2002 * If we come to a minefield, our infantry attacks exactly as it were not there. ** To General Eisenhower, 1945. Quoted in "Russia: The People and the Power" - Page 207 - by [[Robert G. Kaiser]] - History - 1976 * [[Nazism|Nazis]] did not expect Soviet resistance to be so strong. The deeper they moved into this country's territory, the more fierce it became. When [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]'s armies approached [[Moscow]], every man and woman here thought it imperative to resist the enemy. And that resistance grew by the day. The enemy was sustaining heavy losses, one after another. In fact, [[Wehrmacht|Hitler's best troops]] perished here. Nazis believed the Red Army was not capable of defending Moscow, but their schemes failed. ** Quoted in "The Voice of Russia" - Copyright 2005 - by Olga Troshina * [[Joseph Stalin|Generalissimo Stalin]] directed every move... made every decision... He is the greatest and wisest military genius who ever lived... ** Quoted in "Top General: Zhukov" - from ''Time'', February 21, 1955 * We will do all we can to insure [[peace]]... but if [[war]] is imposed upon us we will be together shoulder to shoulder as in the last war to strive for the happiness of mankind. ** Quoted in "Odd World: A Photo-reporter's Story" - Page 299 - by John Phillips - 1959 * If they [the Germans] attack, we will defend. If they do not attack until winter comes, then we will and will tear them to shreds! ** Quoted in "Rickenbacker: [an autobiography]" - Page 373 - by Eddie Rickenbacker - Air pilots, Military - 1967 * And now [[Germany|German]] generals find it hard to explain away their retreat. ** Quoted in "These are the Russians" - Page 131 - by Richard Edward Lauterbach - 1945 * '''There are things in [[Russia]] which are not as they seem.''' ** Quoted in "Mandate for Change, 1953-1956: The White House Years" - Page 518 - by Dwight David Eisenhower - 1963 * The mere existence of [[atomic weapons]] implies the possibility of [[Nuclear war|their use]]. ** Quoted in "The arms race: a programme for world disarmament" - Page 297 - by Philip John Noel-Baker - Political Science - 1960 * '''There's no smoke without fire.''' ** Quoted in "Stalin's Generals" - Page 359 - by Harold Shukman - History - 2002 * '''If you feel that the Chief of the General Staff talks only rubbish, my place is not here. Better to give me a command at the front where I can be of better use!''' ** To Joseph Stalin. Quoted in "Field Marshal Von Manstein, a Portrait: The Janus Head" - Page 164 - by Marcel Stein, Gwyneth Fairbank - History - 2007 * The longer the battle lasts the more force we'll have to use! ** Quoted in "A History of the Modern Age" - Page 175 - by Albert Fried, Julian K. Prescott - United States - 1971 * [[Winning]] depended to a large extent on the determination of the troops and the officers. The certainty that we were going to win kept up everyone's spirits, from privates to generals. ** Quoted in "Memoirs" - Page 167 - by Andreĭ Andreevich Gromyko, Harold Shukman - 1990 * If the nation only knew their hands dripped with innocent blood, it would have met them not with applause but with stones. ** Quoted in "A Century of Violence in Soviet Russia" - Page 3 - by Alexander N. Yakovlev, Anthony Austin - Political Science - 2002 - * '''Here they found real war, but they were not ready for it. They were used to easy victories. This deprived them of flexibility on the one hand, of tenacity on the other. For them, war was merely maneuvers.''' They have neither cavalry nor skiers, their [[Tank|tanks]] cannot pass over the snow. ** Quoted in "The Tempering of Russia" - Page 120 - by Alexander Samuel Kaun - 1944 == ''Marshal Zhukov's Greatest Battles'' (1969) == :<small>First published in 1969 under Harper & Row of New York. Edited by Harrison E. Salisbury, translated from the original Russian by Theodore Shabad.</small> * The beginning of October, 1941, I was in [[Leningrad]], commanding the troops of the [[w:Leningrad_Front|Leningrad Front]]. Those days were difficult for all of us who had been through the September fighting for Leningrad. But our forces were succeeding in thwarting the enemy's plans. Because of the unparalleled steadfastness and mass heroism of the Soviet soldiers, sailors and noncommissioned officers and the endurance of commanders and political officers, the enemy was encountering an unsurmountable defense on the approaches to the city.<br>By the end of September pressure was noticeably relaxed on all sectors and the front line had become stabilized. But this is not the place to tell the story of the Leningrad fighting nor of the attempted seizure of the city named for the great [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]]. I mention it only to emphasize that all of us, from the Military Council of the front down to the city's ordinary defenders, in those days lived with but a single thought: to stop the enemy no matter what. Everyone did all he could in his assigned post. ** p. 29 * West of Maloyaroslavets I met the commander of the local fortified area, Colonel Smirnov, who reported on the progress of fortification work, the availability of worker battalions and the equipment of the military units capable of defending the approaches to Maloyaroslavets. After I had instructed him to organize reconnaissance and to get his fortified area into fighting shape, I drove on to Medyn. I found no one there except an old woman who was rummaging around a house that had been hit by a bomb.<br>"Granny, what are you doing here?" I asked. She stood there with wide-open, wandering eyes and disheveled gray hair and said nothing. "What's the matter, Granny?" Without replying, the woman went back to digging. Another woman, half-dressed and carrying a half-filled sack, appeared from the ruins. "Don't bother asking her," she said, "she won't say anything. She has lost her mind with grief."<br>She told me that two days before German plans had bombed and strafed the town. Many people had been killed. The residents were getting ready to leave for Maloyaroslavets. The old woman had lived in this house with a little grandson and granddaughter. She was at the well getting water when the raid began. She saw a bomb hit her house. Somewhere under the ruins were the bodies of her grandchildren. ** p. 41-42 * The second woman had to hurry; her home had also been destroyed and she could not find her shoes and clothes in the rubble. Tears rolled down her cheeks. When asked whether any of our troops had passed through the town, she said that during the night several trucks had driven through toward Maloyaroslavets, followed by horse-drawn carts bearing the wounded. There had been nothing since then. I said good-bye and drove on toward Yukhnov, deeply regretting that there was nothing I could say to console this woman or any of the other Soviet people to whom the war had brought such terrible grief. ** p. 42 * Everyone worked day and night. People literally collapsed from fatigue and lack of sleep. But everyone did all he could at his post- sometimes even the impossible. Driven by a feeling of personal responsibility for the fate of Moscow, the fate of the homeland, generals and staff officers, commanders and political commissars of all ranks demonstrated unprecedented energy and dedication in seeking to organize ground and aerial reconnaissance, the firm control of all forces and a steady flow of supplies, and in promoting political and party work, to raise the morale of troops and to inculcate into every soldier a confidence in his own strength and in the inevitable defeat of the enemy on the approaches to Moscow. ** p. 49 * Brilliant episodes in the chronicle of those hard days were recorded by the heroic defenders of the city of Tula. Unfortunately, this aspect of the defense has not yet been adequately covered in the Soviet histories of the war. And yet it would be difficult to exaggerate the role that the defense of Tula played in the Battle for Moscow. The city was defended by armed workers detachments and units of the Fiftieth Army that had pulled back to Tula. Particular steadfastness and courage were demonstrated by the Tula workers regiment under A. P. Gorshkov, commander, and G. A. Ageyev, political commissar. That regiment suffered heavy losses, but did not allow the enemy to enter the city. Nor did the workers of Tula lose their nerve when the enemy virtually closed the ring around the city. Together with the troops of the Fiftieth Army they continued to fight until the end, showing a high degree of organization, steadiness and courage. And they did hold out. ** p. 57 * No matter how hard the enemy tried to take Tula and thus open the road to Mosocw from the south, he was unable to do so in the course of November. The city held out like an invulnerable fortress. Tula tied down the entire right flank of the German forces. When the enemy ultimately decided to by-pass Tula, [[Heinz Guderian|Guderian]]'s army was forced to split its forces, losing the operational effectiveness provided by tactical concentration. That is why Tula and its citizens played such an outstanding role in the defense of Moscow.<br>Tula, ancient city of Russian gunmakers, thus became an unconquerable outpost of the capital thanks to the solidarity and self-sacrifice of its citizens, who fought with or helped our soldiers in every possible way. I don't think I would be far wrong if I said that the glory given to Moscow as a hero city belongs also to Tula and its people. ** p. 58 * When we speak here of heroic feats, we obviously have in mind not only our soldiers, commanders and political commissars. What was achieved at the front in October and subsequent battles was made possible by the common and united efforts of Soviet troops and the people of Moscow and the Moscow area, unanimously supported by the entire nation.<br>The wide-ranging activities of the Party organization of the city of Moscow and the Moscow area in rallying the working people in defense of the capital against the enemy took on the character of a heroic epic. The fiery appeals of the Party's Central Committee and of the city and regional Party organizations awakened a deep response in the heart of every Muscovite, every soldier and the entire Soviet people. The working people of Moscow vowed to fight to the last with the soldiers rather than let the enemy through to the capital. And they kept that vow with honor. ** p. 59 * '''When I am asked what I remember most of all of the past war, I always answer: the [[w:Battle_of_Moscow|Battle for Moscow]]. A quarter of a century has passed, but these historic events and battles still remain in memory. Under hectic, almost catastrophically complicated and difficult conditions our troops were tempered, matured, accumulated experience and, once the absolutely essential minimum of arms were in their hands, moved from retreat and defensive maneuver to a powerful offensive.''' Our grateful descendants will never forget the difficult and heroic sacrifices of the Soviet people and the military achievements of the Soviet armed forces during that period. '''The Battle for Moscow laid the firm foundations for the ensuing defeat of [[Nazi Germany]].''' ** p. 103 == ''The Memoirs of Marshal Zhukov'' (1971) == :<small>First published in 1969 as ''Reminiscences and Reflections''; first English translation was published by Jonathan Cape Ltd. of London in 1971. </small> * ''To the Soviet soldier'' ** Dedication, p. 5 * I find it rather difficult in the evening of my life to recollect everything that happened as time has erased from memory many things, especially relating to [[childhood]] and youth. ** p. 11 * We proceeded from the knowledge that we would have to fight a battle-wise, strong and stubborn enemy. ** p. 562 * After the Military Council of the front had looked over the ravaged city, they reported to the Supreme Commander:<br>"The [[Fascism|Fascist]] [[Barbarian|barbarians]] [[Invasion of Poland|have destroyed Warsaw]], capital of [[Poland]]. With sadistic cruelty they demolished one block of [[House|houses]] after another. The largest of [[Industry|industrial enterprises]] have been razed to the ground. Dwelling houses have been either blown up or burnt down. Municipal economy is disrupted[[Civilian casualties|. Thousands upon thousands of civilians have been annihilated]], the rest driven out. It is a dead city."<br>Listening to people from [[Warsaw]] tell about Nazi [[War crimes|atrocities]] during the occupation and especially before the retreat, it was hard to understand the psychology and moral make-up of the enemy.<br>Polish men and officers took these stories especially hard. I saw battle-scarred Polish soldiers shed tears and pledge then and there to take revenge upon the fiendish foe. As for Soviet soldiers, we were all embittered and filled with determination to punish the enemy well for the atrocities committed. Boldly breaking down all enemy resistance, the troops were rapidly gaining ground. ** p. 565 * The Berlin Operation holds a place of special prominence as the final operation of the [[World War II|Second World War]] in [[Europe]]. The capture of [[Berlin]] meant the final solution of paramount military-political issues on which largely depended the post-war settlement in [[Germany]] and her place in the political life of Europe.<br>In making ready for the last bout with [[Fascism]], the Soviet armed forces meticulously proceeded from the agreed Allied policy of the [[w:Unconditional_surrender|unconditional surrender]] of Germany both in the military and economic, and in the political fields. Our major objective in this phase of the war was the complete eradication of Fascism in the social and state system of Germany and to bring all of the major Nazi criminals to book for their [[Crimes against humanity|atrocities]], [[Genocide|mass murders]], wholesale destruction and outrages upon the peoples of the occupied countries, particularly in our own long-suffering land. ** p. 585 * The Battle for Berlin was a life or death struggle. From the very depths of Mother [[Russia]], from Moscow and from the Hero Cities of [[w:Stalingrad|Stalingrad]] and Leningrad, from the [[Ukraine]], from [[Byelorussia]], from the [[w:Baltic_states|Baltic]], [[w:Caucasus|Caucasian]] and other republics our men had come here to finish the [[Just war theory|just war]] against those who had encroached upon the freedom of their country. Many of them still bore the fresh wounds of previous battles. In Berlin the wounded did not leave the battle-field. They all pressed forward yielding to no one the right of way. It was as if there had been no four years of grim fighting, as if everything had risen afresh in order to accomplish this great deed and to hoist the banner of victory over Berlin. In all actions our [[soldiers]] displayed great inspiration and daring. The maturity of our army and its growth during the war years were fully reflected in the [[w:Battle_of_Berlin|Battle of Berlin]]. ** p. 619 * Many indeed were the thoughts that whirled through my head in those minutes of rejoicing! The fearsome battle at Moscow where our troops had made a stand to the death without letting the enemy through to the capital, and Stalingrad lying in ruins but unvanquished, and the glorious Leningrad which had repelled the furious onslaught of the enemy and which had withstood a terrible blockade, and Sevastapol which had fought so heroically against hand-picked Nazi troops, and the triumph of victory at the Kursk Salient, and the thousands of devastated villages and towns, the many millions of human lives sacrificed by the Soviet people who had heroically stuck it out during those grim years.<br>And here at last was the most cherished goal, for the sake of which our people had borne such immense suffering- the complete rout of Fascist Germany, the rout of the monstrous Fascism, and the triumph of our just cause. ** p. 619 * With my new instructions I returned to Berlin. The very day after my arrival I was visited by General of the Army [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Eisenhower]] with his numerous retinue, amongst whom was General [[w:Carl_Spaatz|Spaatz]], Chief of the US Strategic Air Command. We received General Eisenhower at the Headquarters of the front in Wedenschlosse. Present at the meeting was [[w:Andrey_Vyshinsky|A. Ya. Vyshinsky]]. We greeted each other like soldiers, and, I may say, in a friendly way. Taking both my hands in his, Eisenhower looked me over for a long time, then said, '''"So that's what you're like."''' ** p. 659 * Outwardly Eisenhower impressed me favourably. On June 5 Eisenhower, [[Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein|Montgomery]] and [[w:Jean_de_Lattre_de_Tassigny|de Lattre de Tassigny]] arrived in [[Berlin]] to sign the declaration on the defeat of Germany and the assumption of supreme authority in Germany by Governments of the USSR, the US, Britain and France. Before the formal meeting, Eisenhower came to my headquarters to confer upon me a high American military award: I was made Chief Commander of the Legion of Merit. On receiving the award, I immediately called Stalin and told him about it. Stalin said: "We should decorate Eisenhower and Montgomery with Orders of Victory and de Lattre de Tassigny with the Order of Suvorov, First Class." "May I tell them about it?" I asked. Stalin said I could. ** p. 660 * At the ceremony of signing the decoration I met [[Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein|Field-Marshal Montgomery]] for the first time. During the war I had closely followed the actions of [[British Army|British troops]] under his command. In 1940 the British Expeditionary Corps had sustained a disastrous setback at Dunkirk. Later, [[British Army|British troops]] under Montgomery's command had smashed the German corps under [[Erwin Rommel|General Rommel]] at El Alamein. During the Normandy landing Montgomery had ably commanded the Allied forces and their advance to the banks of the Seine. Montgomery was above medium height, very agile, soldierly, trim and created an impression of a lively and intelligent man. He began to talk about the operations at El Alamein and at Stalingrad. In his view the two operations were of equal significance. I did not want to belittle the merits of the British troops, but still I had to explain to him that the El Alamein operation was carried out on an army scale, while at Stalingrad the operation engaged a group of fronts and it had a vast strategic importance- it resulted in the rout of a major enemy force in the area of the Volga and Don rivers and later, in the North Caucasus. It was an operation that actually marked a radical turning-point in the war and ensured the retreat of the German forces from our country. ** p. 661 * '''I have dedicated this book to the Soviet soldier. It is with his blood and sweat that the victory over the powerful enemy was gained. He knew how to face mortal danger, he displayed a supreme valour and heroism. There is no limit to the greatness of his exploit in the name of his Motherland.''' The Soviet soldier deserves that grateful humanity should erect him a monument to stand in the ages to come. Brilliant examples were set by officers of all ranks- from junior lieutenants to marshals- ardent patriots of their country, experienced and fearless organizers of the multi-million strong armed forces in military actions. Those who make a difference between the Soviet soldier and officer make a bad mistake, for equal in origin, way of thinking and acting, they are equally loyal to, and are true sons of, their Motherland. ** p. 691 * '''The greatness of heroic victory over [[Nazi Germany|Fascist Germany]] is in the fact that the [[Soviet Union]] did not defend the [[Socialism|socialist]] state alone, but that it selflessly fought to defend the [[Internationalism|internationalist]] [[proletarian]] goal- defeat the bulk of the Nazi armed forces and deliver the peoples of [[Europe]] from [[Military occupation|occupation]]. The Soviet people have not forgotten other peoples' contribution to the victory over the common enemy. Our army and people remember and value the courage of the [[Resistance movement|Resistance]] fighters.''' ** p. 691 * The Soviet Union is a peaceful country. The people's every goal serves the construction of [[Communism]]. They do not need war to attain their goal. But to protect the Soviet people's peaceful labour we must study our military experience in defending the socialist motherland, and make use of what will help us ensure the country's defences in the most effective way and train and rear our Armed Forces in the right spirit. ** p. 691-692 * '''The risks of war present no danger to those who are well prepared for it in advance and who are mindful of their place in the nation's defences. Confusion and panic usually appear wherever there is no adequate organizaton or appropriate leadership at a time of grim trials.''' ** p. 692 * With the [[Technology|technological]] revolution in the military field and the enormous organizational reconstruction of the army and navy, and now that their prime shock force is made up of rocketry, voices may quite frequently be heard asserting that this is an era of "push-button warfare" where man plays nothing but an auxiliary role. This view is wrong. Without arguing the great importance of rocketry and [[nuclear weapons]], it is a fact that regardless of the scale, nature or method of warfare, man always played, and will go on playing, a major role in it. War will still require the participation of large masses of manpower- in one case directly in the armed struggle, in another, in war production and the comprehensive material backing of armed struggle. ** p. 692 == Quotes about Zhukov == :<small>Alphabetized by author </small> [[File:Маршал Советского Союза Г.К. Жуков на первомайском параде в Свердловске.jpg|thumb|Perhaps the best epitaph for Zhukov was written by an Indian diplomat, K.P. Menon, in a different context, years before the marshal died, when Zhukov was being hounded by sycophants and ideologists under [[Nikita Khrushchev|Nikita Krushchev]], so officially that he had become a so-called non-person. Menon wrote: "No star shone in the Russian firmament after Stalin's death with greater lustre than Zhukov's." ~ Albert Axell]] [[File:Montgomery receives Order of Victory HD-SN-99-02756.JPG|thumb|So that's what you're like. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]] * '''Perhaps the best epitaph for Zhukov was written by an [[India|Indian]] diplomat, K.P. Menon, in a different context, years before the marshal died, when Zhukov was being hounded by sycophants and ideologists under [[Nikita Krushchev]], so officially that he had become a so-called non-person. Menon wrote: "No star shone in the Russian firmament after [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]]'s death with greater lustre than Zhukov's."''' ** Albert Axell, ''Marshal Zhukov: The Man Who Beat Hitler'' (2003), p. 231 * Zhukov has thus emerged in his twilight years to take his proper place in Soviet history. The resurrection of this great soldier, first a patriot and only then a Party member, can be viewed as an attempt by [[Leonid Brezhnev|Brezhnev]] and his fellow leaders to give credit where credit is due and to make [[History of Russia|Soviet history]] a more factual record of events. Zhukov still commands the loyalty of many [[Russians]] in all walks of life, especially the veterans of [[World War II]]. '''Zhukov is an enduring symbol of victory on the battlefield.''' ** Otto Preston Chaney, Jr., ''Zhukov'' (1971), p. 432 * '''So that's what you're like.''' ** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]'s remark upon meeting Zhukov for the first time in May 1945. As quoted by Zhukov himself in ''The Memoirs of Marshal Zhukov'' (1971), p. 659 *None were any good in 1941. Of Budyenny (Semyon Budyonny), who commanded the armies facing me, a captured Russian officer aptly remarked — ‘He is a man with a very large moustache, but a very small brain.’ But in later years there is no doubt of the improvement in their generalship. Zhukov was very good. It is interesting to recall that he first studied strategy in Germany under [[Hans von Seeckt|General von Seeckt]] - this was about 1921-23. **[[Gerd von Rundstedt]] on Soviet generals of the Second World War. As quoted in ''The German Generals Talk'' by B. H. Liddell Hart (1948), p. 139. It is disputed whether or not Zhukov received training in Germany as part of Soviet–German military cooperation in the 1920s. * The name of Marshal Georgi Zhukov, the distinguished Soviet military leader of World War II and a controversial [[Aftermath of World War II|postwar]] minister of defense, conjures up a picture of a severe and ruthless Soviet commander, one of the few who appeared never to have lost a battle, and who was allowed by Stalin out of the shadows which normally surround Soviet personalities briefly, at least, to share some of the glory of Soviet victories during the war. No one would deny that a good and accurate biography of a soldier of Zhukov's status and achievements has been lacking for some time. After all, lives of most of the outstanding Allied and German commanders have been available for many years. Scholars, historians, and the general public have long awaited a biography of their most successful Soviet counterpart- a man who, in the closing stages of the war, had under his direct operational command fourteen field armies and many thousands of tanks and aircraft. ** Malcom Mackintosh, in the Foreword to ''Zhukov'' (1971) by Otto Preston Chaney, Jr., p. vii * In spite of the biographer's best efforts, the Soviet military leader remains personally a shadowy figure. We cannot see him at home, with his wife, children, and grandchildren, nor can we learn much about his personal likes or dislikes, his family life, his moments of despair and elation. Although Soviet secrecy plays a strong part in formulating these restrictions, they are to some extent also in the tradition of [[Russian literature|Russian letters]], and any biographer of Marshal Zhukov who resits his case, as Chaney does, on the strictest accuracy of the utilization of his source material, has to make his book a study of Zhukov the soldier and relatively little of Zhukov the man. ** Malcom Mackintosh, in the Foreword to ''Zhukov'' (1971) by Otto Preston Chaney, Jr., p. vii *The Soviet marshal Georgi Zhukov is much less famous in the West than generals such as Dwight D. Eisenhower and Bernard Montgomery, but he was undoubtedly the greatest commander of the Second World War, turning the tide against the Nazi invaders at Moscow, Leningrad and Stalingrad, and then leading the Red Army in its bloody counteroffensive all the way to Berlin. Without the heroic Soviet effort, with its sacrifice of 26 million lives, the war might have ended very differently. Zhukov was a [[Communism|communist]] and a ruthless [[Stalinism|Stalinist]] general who placed results far above his concern for individuals and casualties and used summary executions at the front to enforce discipline. Yet he was also a gifted leader who represents not the cruelty of his master, Soviet dictator Stalin, but the heroism of the Russian people. **[[wikipedia:Simon_Sebag_Montefiore|Simon Sebag Montefiore]], ''Titans of History: Giants Who Made Our World'' (2012), p. * On March 31 [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] received a message from [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Eisenhower]], intended to improve coordination between their armies. The Allied commander stated that his troops were now thrusting toward Leipzig, south of Berlin, rather than the German capital. Given the mindset in the Kremlin, the message was probably dismissed as sinister [[disinformation]]. Next day Stalin summoned Zhukov and [[Ivan Konev|Ivan Koniev]], his two top marshals, and asked: “Who is going to take Berlin: are we or the Allies?” There was one only possible answer, and Koniev gave it immediately: “It is we who shall take Berlin, and we will take it before the Allies.” With his flanks now secured, Stalin cannily unleashed Zhukov and Koniev—two bitter rivals—in their own personal race for Berlin. That same day, April 1, he cabled Eisenhower that Berlin had “lost its former strategic importance” and that the Soviets would send only second-rate forces against it, sometime in May. “However, this plan may undergo certain alterations, depending on circumstances.” Historian [[wikipedia:Antony_Beevor|Antony Beevor]] has described this message as “the greatest April Fool in modern history. ** David Reynolds, ''Summits: Six Meetings that Changed the 20th Century'' (2007), p. 116-117 * '''Has a strong will. Decisive and firm. Often demonstrates initiative and skillfully applies it. Disciplined. Demanding and persistent in his demands. A somewhat ungracious and not sufficiently sympathetic person. Rather stubborn. Painfully proud. In professional terms well trained. Broadly experienced as a military leader... Absolutely cannot be used in staff or teaching jobs because constitutionally he hates them.''' ** [[Konstantin Rokossovsky]], as quoted by Andreĭ Afanas'evich Kokoshin,''Soviet Strategic Thought, 1917–1991'' (1998): MIT Press, p. 43. * Zhukov was always a man of strong will and decisiveness, brilliant and gifted, demanding, firm and purposeful. All these qualities, unquestionably, are necessary in a great military leader and they were inherent in Zhukov. It is true that sometimes his toughness exceeded what was permissible. For example, in the heat of the fighting around Moscow Zhukov sometimes displayed unjustified sharpness. ** [[Konstantin Rokossovsky]] in a postwar comment about Zhukov, as quoted by Harrison E. Salisbury (editor), Introduction to ''Marshal Zhukov's Greatest Battles'' (New York: Harper & Row, 1969) by Georgy Zhukov, translated from Russian by Theodore Shabad, p. 13 * The truth was that one of the great military disasters of our time was in the making on the night of June 21-22, 1941- the colossal tactical surprise which Hitler's armies achieved over the Russians. Within hours the Soviet Air Force would lie burnt, wrecked, destroyed on the ground, its commanders facing the firing squad or cheating the executioner by suicide. The flower of the Red Army would be staggering east, some units decimated, many without arms, others virtually exterminated. Hundreds of thousands of troops would find themselves fatally trapped and encircled, scores or even hundreds of miles behind the spearheads of the advancing Nazi panzers. Within a few weeks German armies would stand at the gates of Leningrad, Kiev and Moscow, and the fate of the Soviet state would hang in the balance.<br>As the clock ticked away that long spring evening, it brought Stalin and his Russia minute by minute closer to disaster. By the same token it propelled Zhukov into perhaps the most striking military career of the century. ** Harrison E. Salisbury (editor), Introduction to ''Marshal Zhukov's Greatest Battles'' (New York: Harper & Row, 1969) by Georgy Zhukov, translated from Russian by Theodore Shabad, p. 3 * The names of many military men may be better known in the West- [[England]]'s [[Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein|Montgomery]], Germany's [[Erwin Rommel|Rommel]] and [[Heinz Guderian|Guderian]], [[Charles de Gaulle|de Gaulle]] of [[France]], America's [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Eisenhower]], [[Douglas MacArthur|MacArthur]] and [[George S. Patton|Patton]]. But when history has completed its painful task of evaluation, when the grain of achievement is sifted from the chaff of notoriety, it seems certain that the name which will stand above all others as the master of the art of mass warfare in the [[20th century|twentieth century]] will be that of this broad-beamed, fierce, determined man who turned the tide of battle against the Nazis, against Hitler, not once but time after time after time. ** Harrison E. Salisbury (editor), Introduction to ''Marshal Zhukov's Greatest Battles'' (New York: Harper & Row, 1969) by Georgy Zhukov, translated from Russian by Theodore Shabad, p. 3-4 * The engagements in which Zhukov won his reputation were so massive that, inevitably, many outstanding Soviet military men were involved- either under Zhukov's command or in coordinated and associated movements. There was then, and there continued for years to be, a raging competition for military glory in these engagements. Deep lines of political cleavage and quarrels also underlay the military disputes. Not only military glory was involved; political intrigue, intra-Party quarrels, high-level Kremlin politics were at issue. The principal military rivals of Zhukov were his fellow marshals, [[Ivan Konev|Ivan S. Konev]], [[Rodion Malinovsky]], [[Vasily Chuikov|V. I. Chuikov]], A. I. Yeremenko, [[Semyon Timoshenko|Semyon Timonshenko]], and to a lesser extent men like [[Konstantin Rokossovsky|K. K. Rokossovsky]], V. D. Sokolovsky, and the staff chiefs, [[Aleksandr Vasilevsky|A. M. Vasilevsky]], Boris Shaposhnikov and, later on, S. M. Shtemenko. Rivals of a different category were Stalin's cronies, men like [[Kliment Voroshilov|Voroshilov]] and Budenny, and police generals such as [[Lev Mekhlis|L. Z. Mekhlis]] and G. I. Kulik. ** Harrison E. Salisbury (editor), Introduction to ''Marshal Zhukov's Greatest Battles'' (New York: Harper & Row, 1969) by Georgy Zhukov, translated from Russian by Theodore Shabad, p. 14-15 * Yet at the end of the war Zhukov's prestige was so enormous that he shared the podium with Stalin at the great Moscow victory parade in June, 1945, and entertained as his guest his fellow commander and friend, General [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]. The two men were not merely military associates, fellow members of the Kommendatura in Berlin. They had genuine empathy. Both were popular figures, heroes in their countries, nonpolitical men, men with a rather simplistic view of life. Eisenhower came to Moscow as Zhukov's guest. He invited Zhukov to visit America as his guest. Zhukov accepted. To many it seemed that Zhukov's prestige was such that he might well be Stalin's first minister and probable successor. It seemed that in any event the influence of Zhukov and of the other great Soviet generals would be such that they would dominate postwar Soviet political life. The calculations failed. They did not take into account Stalin and the nature of Kremlin politics. Zhukov never had a chance to make his visit to the United States as Ike's guest. Indeed, he never even met his old friend Ambassador Smith in Moscow. ** Harrison E. Salisbury (editor), Introduction to ''Marshal Zhukov's Greatest Battles'' (New York: Harper & Row, 1969) by Georgy Zhukov, translated from Russian by Theodore Shabad, p. 15 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Zhukov, Georgy}} [[Category:Military leaders from the Soviet Union]] [[Category:1896 births]] [[Category:1974 deaths]] [[Category:Communist Party of the Soviet Union members]] [[Category:Russian communists]] [[Category:Russian socialists]] [[Category:Marxist-Leninists]] [[Category:Heroes of the Soviet Union]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Chiefs of the Russian and Soviet General Staff]] [[Category:Military leaders of World War II]] [[Category:People of the Cold War]] [[Category:Ministers of Defense of Russia and the Soviet Union]] [[Category:Legion of Honour recipients]] 0cy6cwv0mui59t28njxteyhuw9wb8iy 0 86257 3955138 3901550 2026-06-21T20:06:30Z ~2026-35862-56 3343694 /* Dialogue */ 3955138 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (film)|Kung Fu Panda]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] American animated [[w:martial arts|martial arts]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Pictures]]. It tells the story about an obese and clumsy panda who finds himself designated the prophesied Dragon Warrior, much to the disbelief of his would be peers. The sequels were released with ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' in 2011, ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' in 2016, and ''[[Kung Fu Panda 4]]'' in 2024. :''Directed by [[w:John Stevenson|John Stevenson]] and [[w:Mark Osborne|Mark Osborne]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel|Jonathan Aibel]] and [[w:Glenn Berger|Glenn Berger]].'' {{center|'''Prepare For Awesomeness. Pandamonium Begins.''' {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Po the Panda== * I LOVE KUNG FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuu....oooooooo.... oof. * Dumpling is the only way to sort out problems. * ''[looking at the Sword of Heroes while looking around in the Sacred Hall of Warriors]'' The Sword of Heroes! Said to be so sharp you can cut yourself just by looking - Ow! * ''[meeting the Furious Five for the first time up close in person as they give him curious expressions]'' The Furious Five! You're (all) so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're 'bout the same. * I thought you said acupuncture would make me feel better. * ''[impersonating Master Shifu]'' "You will never be the Dragon Warrior unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth! What is that noise you're making? Laughter? I've never heard of it! Work hard, panda, and maybe some day, you will have ears like mine." ==Shifu== * Zeng! Fly to Chorh-Gom Prison and tell them to double the guards, double their weapons, double everything! Tai Lung does not leave that prison! * Citizens of the Valley of Peace, it's my great honor to present you, Tigress, Viper, Crane, Monkey and Mantis! The Furious Five! * ''[facing Tai Lung]'' You were not meant to be the Dragon Warrior! That was not my fault! * Would whoever is making that flapping sound, quiet down?! * I'm not dying, you idiot! ==Tai Lung== * Shifu taught you well. ''[strikes Monkey with his nerve strike, paralyzing him]'' But he didn't teach you everything. * ''[sees Po climbing to the Dragon Scroll]'' The scroll has given him power! '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!''''' * So that is his name. Po. Finally, a worthy opponent. Our battle will be legendary! ==Others== :'''Commander Vachir''': ''[to Tai Lung]'' Hey, tough guy, did you hear? Oogway's finally going to give someone the Dragon Scroll and it's ''not'' gonna be you. :'''Mantis''': ''[while putting Po under acupuncture]'' Who am I to judge a warrior based on his size? I mean, look at me. I'm over here. ==Dialogue== :''[First lines; film starts in a 2D-style animation; title appears]'' :'''Po''': ''[narrating]'' Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung-fu skills were the stuff of legend. He traveled the land in search of worthy foes. ''[gets confronted by a group of criminals]'' :'''Bull criminal''': I see you like to chew. Maybe you should chew...ON MY FIST! ''[slams his fist on the table]'' :'''Po''': ''[narrating]'' The warrior said nothing for his mouth was full. Then he swallowed... ''[does so]'' ...and then he spoke. ''[spoken]'' Enough talk, let's fight! SHA-BAA-BOOOEEEE! ''[kicks the criminals away; narrating]'' He was so deadly, in fact, his enemies would go blind from over exposure to pure awesomeness! :'''Leopard Criminal''': MY EYES! :'''Crocodile Criminal''': HE'S TOO AWESOME! :'''Female Bunny''': And attractive. :'''Male Bunny''': How can we repay you? :'''Po''': There's no charge for awesomeness. Or attractiveness. ''[the female bunny giggles]'' KABLOOEYY! ''[the roof explodes and the warrior with a cloud of ninjas erupts into the sky. Like a tornado, the warrior twists and kicks them away rapidly; narrating]'' It mattered not how many foes he faced. They were no match for his bodacity. ''[spoken]'' KIAI! ''[narrating]'' '''''NEVER BEFORE''''' had a panda been so feared, and so loved. Even the most heroic heroes in all of China, THE FURIOUS FIVE. Bowed in respect to this great master. :'''Monkey''': We should hang out. :'''Po''': Agreed. ''[narrating]'' But hanging out would have to wait. Because when you're facing the 10,000 demons of Demon Mountain, there's only one thing that matters, and that's... :''[His dream is interrupted by Mr. Ping]'' :'''Mr. Ping''': Po! ''[as Monkey]'' Get up! ''[as Tigress]'' You'll be late for work! :'''Po''': Huh? ''[falls out of his dream, lands on the floor in his room and wakes up in 3D-style animation]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': Po, what are you doing up there? :'''Po''': Uh, nothing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the gardens of the Jade Palace, Shifu plays the flute. Then the Furious Five sneak up behind him to tackle him, but Shifu uses his kung fu skills in defense]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[to the Furious Five]'' Well done, students...if you were trying to disappoint me. ''[points his flute at the Five, all bowing respectfully as he mentions their name]'' Tigress, you need more ferocity! Monkey, greater speed! Crane, height! Viper, subtlety! Mantis...! :'''Zeng''': Master Shifu. :'''Shifu''': ''[points his flute at Zeng]'' What?! :'''Zeng''': It's Master Oogway. He wants to see you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Oogway''': ''[to Shifu]'' I have had a vision: Tai Lung will return. :'''Shifu''': ''[imagines Tai Lung, in 2-D, breaking free]'' That is impossible! He is in prison! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': But who? Who is worthy to be trusted with the secret to limitless power? To become...the Dragon Warrior? :'''Oogway''': ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': ''[dazed from falling]'' Oh. What's going on? Where? ''[sees Oogway pointing his finger at him]'' What are you pointing...? Oh! Okay. Sorry, I just wanted to see who the Dragon Warrior was. :'''Oogway''': How interesting. :'''Tigress''': Master, are you pointing at me? :'''Oogway''': Him. :'''Po''': Who? ''[moves around as Oogway's finger follows him, still pointing at him]'' :'''Oogway''': You. :'''Po''': Me? :'''Oogway''': ''[lifts Po's arm up with his staff]'' The universe has brought us the Dragon Warrior! :'''Po''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Furious Five''': ''[flabbergasted]'' What?! :'''Shifu''': ''[shocked]'' What?! :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[enters]'' WHAT?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': Master Oogway, wait! That flabby panda can't possibly be the answer to our problem. You were about to point at Tigress and that thing fell in front of her! That was just an accident! :'''Oogway''': There are no accidents. ''[walks off]'' :''[Shifu is left stunned]'' :'''Tigress''': Forgive us, Master. We've failed you. :'''Shifu''': ''[holds up his hand]'' No. If the panda has not quit by morning, then I will have failed you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': ''[as Shifu pinches his finger and lifts up his pinky]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold! Not the Wuxi Finger Hold! :'''Shifu''': Oh, you know this hold? :'''Po''': Developed by Master Wuxi in the Third Dynasty. Yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': Uh, yeah. It's just...maybe we can find something more suited to my level... :'''Shifu''': And what level is that? :'''Po''': Well, you know, I'm not a master, but, uh, Let's just start at 0. Level 0. :'''Shifu''': Oh, no. There is no such thing as Level 0. :'''Po''': ''[spotted the training dummy]'' Hey! Maybe I can start on that! :'''Shifu''': That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot. But, if you insist... :'''Po''': ''[sees and meets the Furious Five up close for the first time, watching him with curious expressions]'' Whoa! The Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're about the same. :''[Mantis glares at Po as one of his antennae twitches]'' :'''Shifu''': Go ahead, Panda. Show us what you can do. :'''Po''': ''[hesitates; uneasily]'' Uh, are they gonna watch, or should I just wait until they get back to work or somethin'? :'''Shifu''': Hit it. :'''Po''': ''[stalling]'' Yeah, well, I just ate, so I'm still digesting, so my Kung Fu may not be as good as... later on. :'''Shifu''': Just hit it. :'''Po''': Uh, OK. ''[looks over at the training dummy]'' What'cha got? You got nothing, cause I got it right here. You pickin' on my friends? ''[quickly shuffles his feet]'' Get ready to feel the thunder, I'm comin' at you with the crazy feet. What'cha gonna do about crazy feet? Come on. I'm a blur, I'm a blur. You've never seen ''bear'' style, you've only seen praying mantis. Or monkey-style. ''[starts chattering like a monkey. Monkey raises an eyebrow]'' Or snickety-snake-alike? :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' Would you hit it?! :'''Po''': ''[stops, annoyed]'' Alright. ''[gives the dummy a little tap with his fist, making it lean back]'' :'''Shifu''': Why don't you try again? A little harder. :'''Po''': ''[punches the dummy, sending it hurtling backwards]'' Ha! How's that? ''[the dummy swings back, knocking his tooth out and sending him flying into the training hall's obstacle course. The Furious 5 starts forward, but Shifu holds up his hand to stop them. Po accidentally does a split on the moving ropes]'' Oh, that hurts! ''[a spiked pendulum swings towards him and hits him square in the face, knocking him into Crane's tilting bowl, hitting his head several times]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[very amused]'' This'll be easier than I thought. :'''Po''': ''[spills out of the tilting bowl, and wanders to the moving arm guard section]'' Feeling a little nauseous. ''[pushes one arm, starting a chain reaction that causes him to get hit repeatedly in the face, belly, legs, arms...]'' Ow! Oh, those are hard! ''[...then his crotch]'' Ooh-hoo-hoo! ''[drops to knees, rises and covers his crotch]'' OOH! My tenders! ''[in pain, he rests one hand on a moving arm, starting the whole chain reaction over again, and smacking him into the fire floor area]'' Uh-oh. ''[cut back to Shifu and the Furious 5 who wince and look away as we hear fire burning and Po screaming. He slumps over next to Shifu, burnt, charred, and weakly]'' How did I do? :'''Shifu''': ''[chuckles]'' There is ''now''...a Level 0. ''[snuffs out a flame on top of Po's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mantis''': There's no words. :'''Crane''': No denying that. :'''Viper''': I don't understand what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's just gonna get himself killed. :'''Crane''': ''[mocking Po's lack of skills; sarcastically]'' He is ''so'' mighty! The Dragon Warrior - fell out of the sky in a ball of fire! :'''Mantis''': When he walks, the very ground shakes. :''[The Furious Five laugh, except Tigress]'' :'''Tigress''': One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually ''knew'' kung fu. :'''Crane''': Yeah, or could be at least touch his toes. :'''Monkey''': Or even ''see'' his toes. :''[The Furious Five laugh again. The camera turns to Po, reveling that he is hearing them insult him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trying to get to his room without waking up the Five, Po tiptoes through the hallway, only to trip and walk into Crane's room]'' :'''Po''': Oh, hey. Hi, you're, uh...you're up. :'''Crane''': Am now. :'''Po''': I was just...Some day, huh? That Kung Fu stuff is hard work, right? Your biceps sore? :'''Crane''': ''[looks at his arms awkwardly]'' Uh...I've had a long and rather disappointing day. So, yeah. I should probably get to sleep now. :'''Po''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. :'''Crane''': OK, thanks. :'''Po''': It's just-Man, I'm such a big fan! You guys were totally amazing at the Battle of the Weeping River. Outnumbered 1001, but you didn't stop. And you just- ''[tries Kung Fu, only to accidentally kick a hole in the wall, leading to Monkey's room; Po peaks into the hole to see Monkey, who is now glaring at him]'' Oh, sorry about that. :'''Crane''': Uh, look, you don't belong here. :'''Po''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' I know. I know. You're right. I don't have-I just-my whole life, I've dreamed of- :'''Crane''': No, no, no. I meant you don't belong ''here''. I mean, in this room. This is my room. ''[softly taps his bed with his foot]'' Property of Crane. :'''Po''': Okay. Right, right. So, yeah, you wanna get to sleep and I'm keeping you up. We get big things tomorrow. All right. You are awesome. Last thing I wanna say. Bye-bye. ''[leaves, but remains outside the door]'' :'''Crane''': ''[sighs in annoyance]''. :'''Po''': ''[peeks his head in]'' What was that? :'''Crane''': I didn't say anything. :'''Po''': Okay. All right. Good night. Sleep well. ''[closes the door and Crane puts his foot on his head]'' Seemed a bit awkward. ''[tries to get to his room despite the creaking noise; Tigress opens her doors annoyed]'' Master Tigress. Didn't mean to wake you. Just, uh- :'''Tigress''': You don't belong here. :'''Po''': Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. This is your room. :'''Tigress''': I mean, you don't belong in the Jade Palace. You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have ''any'' respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning. ''[slams her doors closed]'' :''[Po, clearly hurt by her words, gropes for a response]'' :'''Po''': ''[weakly]'' Big fan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Po is standing near a peach tree outside the Jade Palace]'' :'''Oogway''': ''[walks up to him]'' I see you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom. :'''Po''': ''[turns around, holding a bunch of peaches in his arms and mouth]'' Oh, is that what this is? I am so sorry! I thought it was just a regular peach tree. :'''Oogway''': I understand. You eat when you are upset. :'''Po''': ''[spits out the peaches]'' Upset? I'm not upset. Why - What makes you think I'm upset? :'''Oogway''': So, why are you upset? :'''Po''': ''[sighs]'' I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu, in the history of China, in the history of ''sucking''. :'''Oogway''': Probably. :'''Po''': And the Five! Man, you should have seen them! They totally hate me. :'''Oogway''': Totally. :'''Po''': How is Shifu ever going to turn ''me'' into the Dragon Warrior? I mean, I'm not like the Five. I've got no claws, no wings, no venom. Even Mantis has those...thingies. ''[sighs]'' Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles. :'''Oogway''': ''[pauses]'' Quit, don't quit. Noodles, no noodles. You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There's a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." ''[taps the peach tree with his staff, making a peach fall into Po's hand, and leaves]'' :''[Po looks at the peach before looking back at Oogway, and smiles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Chorh-Gom Prison, Tai Lung is using the feather he picked up with his tail to unlock the shell holding him down. His ears start perking up, too. The dragon heads start loosening as the shell is unlocked. Tai Lung starts breathing and his claws come out. The dragon heads of the shell come off and the shell loosens, before Tai-lung breaks free from the shell and completely destroys it, alerting Commander Vachir, Zeng and everyone else in the prison]'' :'''Vachir''': OH, NO! :'''Zeng''': What's happening?! ''[looks down at the scene below, and gasps in horror upon seeing Tai Lung trying to break himself free from his restraints]'' :'''Chorh-Gom Prison Guards''': To your battle stations! Go! Go! Go! :''[Tai Lung stands up and roars at Vachir, making Zeng shiver in fear]'' :'''Vachir''': Fire, crossbows! :'''Crossbow Guard 1''': ''[fires an arrow at Tai-Lung]'' Fire! :''[Tai Lung dodges the arrows fired by the crossbow guards by moving left to right, then glares at another guard]'' :'''Crossbow Guard 2''': Fire! ''[fires at Tai Lung, only for the snow leopard to not only dodge it, but also makes it break off the restraint on his right hand]'' :''[The guards look on in horror at what he just did. Tai Lung then breaks off the restraint on his left hand with a grunt, and he is now completely free]'' :'''Zeng''': Tai Lung is free! I must warn Shifu! ''[goes to warn Shifu]'' :''' Vachir''': ''[grabs Zeng by the neck]'' You're not going anywhere, neither is he! :'''Zeng''': Let go of me! :''' Vachir''': ''[to the guards]'' Bring it up! :''[The guards bring up a small platform]'' :'''Guard''': Wait! Bring it back! :''[He and another guard try to jump up to the platform, but miss. Meanwhile, Tai Lung notices another crossbow firing another arrow at him. He deflects it with his right paw, then kicks it back towards the guards, who dodge it. He then flings four more arrows into the wall, then cracks his neck and launches himself using the sixth arrow and begins his escape from prison]'' :'''Zeng''': ''[scared]'' He's coming this way! :''' Vachir''': He won't get far. Archers! :''[The guards fire archer arrows at Tai Lung, who launches himself from the last arrow to grab onto the platform before the archers kill him. Another guard with an axe slices off the chain to stop Tai Lung from proceeding any further, causing the platform to crash land into the ground below. The two axe guards laugh and do an axe type high five, thinking they stopped Tai Lung, but get knocked out by the snow leopard. He then uses a chain to swing himself onto another bridge and battles more guards. With a heavy punch, he destroys a guard's weapon as he gets knocked backwards into the other guards, knocking them all out and others falling into the darkness below. He continues to break his way out of prison, but two guards try to lock him out to stop him. He busts the door down, knocking the two guards out and he takes out another two guards, leaving them dizzy. He steals another guard's spike-ball weapon and knocks him out before attacking three guards with the stolen weapon, before placing it into a fourth guard's mouth, and sending him flying as he sends more guards falling into the dark chasm at the bottom of the prison and knocking the guard he sent flying into another guard through the doorway, the latter guard letting out a Wilhelm scream. Eventually, Tai Lung reaches the entrance to the prison, where Vachir and the guards are blocking his way and readying their weapons. Vachir and Tai Lung growl at each other with deep hatred towards each other, while Zeng squawks in fear. Tai Lung then prepares himself to take on Vachir and the remaining guards]'' :'''Zeng''': We're dead. So very, very dead. :'''Vachir''': ''[laughs]'' Not yet, we're not. ''[to another guard]'' Now! :''[The guard fires a fire arrow at a bomb, causing a chain reaction of three explosions. Tai Lung looks up and sees pillars falling towards him, then they make contact with the bridge, causing it to crumble. Tai Lung makes his way towards the entrance by dodging the falling pillars and makes a giant leap towards Vachir and the others, but misses his mark and lands on a falling pillar. Vachir laughs and waves at Tai-Lung, tauntingly. Tai Lung then sees one bomb that hasn't exploded yet and climbs his way towards it. In slow motion, he climbs up a giant pillar and jumps onto the last pillar. In regular speed, he climbs up and grabs the bomb and dives down towards Vachir and the others, the former of whom realizes there is nothing he and the other guards can do to stop him now]'' :'''Zeng''': ''[terrified]'' Can we run now? :'''Vachir''': ''[terrified]'' Yes. :''[But it is way too late. Tai Lung throws the bomb at Vachir, Zeng and the other guards and the bomb explodes, destroying the door and sending everyone flying out of Chorh-Gom Prison, knocking them all out, except Zeng. Vachir's golden nose lands next to him, but it is unknown if he was killed or was badly injured from the blast. Tai Lung then grabs Zeng by his neck and lifts him up, who gulps in fear while looking at the snow leopard, the latter of whom having successfully broken out of Chorh-Gom Prison]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[sighs and rubs Zeng's forehead]'' I'm glad Shifu sent you. I was beginning to think I'd been forgotten. Fly back there and tell them the ''real'' Dragon Warrior is coming home. ''[Zeng nods and Tai Lung releases him. Zeng then flies back to the Jade Palace]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next morning, at the Jade Palace]'' :'''Furious Five''': ''[wake up to meet Shifu]'' Good morning, Master! :'''Shifu''': ''[notices that Po is not coming out]'' Panda?! Panda! Wake up! ''[opens the doors, realizes that he's not in his room, nor that he first enters his own room; chuckles]'' He's quit. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Viper''': What do we do now, Master, with the panda gone? Who will be the Dragon Warrior? :'''Shifu''': All we can do is resume our training and trust that in time, the ''true'' Dragon Warrior will be revealed. ''[opens the training courtyard doors, only to find himself face-to-face with Po, spreading out his legs wide apart on two training horses]'' What are you doing here?! :'''Po''': ''[sees Shifu and the Five staring at him]'' Hi! Good morning, Master! I just thought I'd warm up a little. :'''Shifu''': You're stuck. :'''Po''': Stuck? Nah. What? Stuck? Nah. This is one of my...Yeah, I'm stuck. :'''Shifu''': ''[to Crane]'' Help him. :'''Crane''': Oh, dear. ''[walks to Po]'' Maybe on three. One, two-- ''[flaps his wings, while pulling him up and Po flops onto his back.]'' :'''Po''': ''[gets up]'' Thank you. :'''Crane''': Don't mention it. :'''Po''': No really, I appreci— :'''Crane''': Ever. :'''Shifu''': You actually thought you could learn to do a full split in one night? ''[flings two boards into the air]'' It takes years to develop one's flexibility, and years longer ''[snaps his fingers, Tigress leaps up]'' to apply it in combat. :''[Tigress executes a perfect split kick. Po is awestruck. Tigress lands, glares at Po and returns to Shifu's side. The broken chunks of board land all around Po, a large one knocking him on the head. Po picks up the piece of splintered board and hides it behind his back.]'' :'''Shifu''': Put that down! The only souvenirs we collect here are bloody knuckles and broken bones. :'''Po''': ''[chucks the broken chunk]'' Yeah, excellent! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Po is being restored after he was tumbled down the stairs.]'' :'''Po''': Aaaoo...whoohoo...EEEee...hee- hee... OW! I thought you said acupuncture would make me feel better?! :'''Mantis''': Trust me, it will. It's just not easy finding the right nerve points under all this… :'''Po''': Meat? :'''Mantis''': Fur. I was going to say fur. :'''Po''': more or less. :'''Mantis''': Who am I to judge a warrior based on his size? I mean... look at me. I'm over here. ''[jabs an acupuncture needle in Po]'' :'''Po''': Ah-HAH! :'''Viper''': ''[Po he screams in pain]'' Maybe you should take a look at this again :'''Mantis''': Oh, okay. :''[cut to Monkey's room; Monkey awakes and hears Po.]'' :'''Po''': Ow! Stop! Please! :''[cut to Crane's room; Crane is drawing a symbol, but accidentally smears the paper upon hearing Po.]'' :'''Po''': I know Master Shifu's trying to inspire me and all, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to get rid of me. ''[chuckles awkwardly]'' :'''Mantis''': ''[unpause]'' I know he can seem kind of heartless... ''[jabs another acupuncture needle in Po]'' but he wasn't always like that. :'''Viper''': According to legend, there was once a time when Master Shifu actually used to smile. :''[Tigress walks down the bunkhouse hall and stops outside of Po's room when she overhears Po, Viper, and Mantis talking]'' :'''Po''': No. :'''Mantis''': Yes. :'''Viper''': But that was before. :'''Po''': Before what? :'''Tigress''': ''[enters]'' Before Tai Lung. :'''Crane''': ''[from his room]'' Uh, yeah, we're not really supposed to talk about him. :'''Tigress''': Well, if he's going to stay here, he should know. :'''Po''': Guys, guys, I know about Tai Lung. He was a student. The first ever to master the thousand scrolls of kung fu. ''[nervously as Tigress stares piercingly at him]'' And then he turned bad, and now he's in jail. :'''Tigress''': He wasn't just a student. ''[flashback begins to a younger Shifu stepping out of the training hall courtyard and finds baby Tai Lung, wrapped in cloth; voiceover]'' Shifu found him as a cub...and he raised him as his son. And when the boy showed talent in kung fu...Shifu trained him. He believed in him. He told him he was destined for greatness. It was never enough for Tai Lung. He wanted the Dragon Scroll, but Oogway saw darkness in his heart and refused. ''[Tai Lung rampages]'' Outraged, Tai Lung laid waste to the valley. ''[Tai Lung crashes through the doors into the Hall of Warriors]'' He tried to take the scroll by force. And Shifu had to destroy what he had created. ''[Shifu leaps at Tai Lung to give him a kick, but remembers him as a baby at the last second]'' But how could he? ''[Tai Lung strikes Shifu and he crashes to the ground with a broken leg, then leaps for the Dragon Scroll, but Oogway intercepts and strikes his pressure points, making him fall to the ground in a heap; Shifu stares in sadness and disbelief, then crawls over to Tai Lung, but is unable to touch him]'' Shifu loved Tai Lung like he had never loved anyone before. ''[cut to the younger Tigress training kung fu, only for Shifu to lift her head with his stick and walks off, causing her to frown]'' Or since. ''[back to the present; everyone is quietest]'' And now, he has a chance to make things right, to train the true Dragon Warrior. And he's stuck with you. A big, fat panda who treats it like a joke. :'''Po''': [suddenly makes a weird sound and a face and freezes]'' DOIEEEEEE--! :'''Tigress''': ''[enraged]'' '''''OH, THAT IS IT!!''''' ''[raises her paw, intending to strike Po]'' :'''Mantis''': ''[Stops Tigress]'' WAIT! My fault! I accidentally tweaked his facial nerve! ''[Po falls over and reveals hundreds of acupuncture needles in his back and one on his neck]'' And I think I also stopped his heart. ''[taps Po twice with no response. Cut into the training hall. At the temple]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[trying to meditate]'' Inner peace. Inner peace. ''[the flapping sound disturbs him]'' Inner - Inner - Inner peace. ''[the flapping sound continues]'' Would who ever is makin' that flappin' sound quiet down?! ''[the flapping stops]'' Inner pe- ''[Zeng suddenly crashes down with a honk; turns around; looking relieved]'' Ah, Zeng. Excellent. I hear you have good news. :'''Zeng''': ''[becomes nervous with a pauses, then speaks up]'' Uh... ''[Cuts to the peach tree]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[running up to the peach tree to meet with Oogway]'' Master! Master! :'''Oogway''': Hmm? :'''Shifu''': ''[panting]'' I have...it's very bad news. :'''Oogway''': Aah, Shifu. There is just news. There is no good or bad. :'''Shifu''': Master, your vision! Your vision was right! Tai Lung has broken out of prison, and he's on his way! :'''Oogway''': ''[looks shocked]'' That ''is'' bad news. If you do not believe that the Dragon Warrior can stop him. :'''Shifu''': The panda? Master, that panda is not the Dragon Warrior. He wasn't even meant to be here! It was an accident! :'''Oogway''': There are no accidents. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs]'' Yes, I know. You've said that already...Twice. :'''Oogway''': Well, that was no accident either. :'''Shifu''': Thrice. :'''Oogway''': My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control. :'''Shifu''': Illusion? :'''Oogway''': Yes. ''[gestures to the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom]'' Look at this tree, Shifu. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me, nor make it bear fruit before it's time. :'''Shifu''': But there are things we ''can'' control. ''[kicks the tree causing several peaches to fall]'' I can control when the fruit will fall. ''[one hits him on the head and he grumbles]'' And I can control... ''[tosses the peach in the air and chops it in half]'' Where to plant the seed. ''[punches a hole in the ground and catches the seed]'' That is no illusion, Master. ''[throws the seed into the hole]'' :'''Oogway''': Ah, yes, but no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach. :'''Shifu''': But a peach can't defeat Tai Lung! :'''Oogway''': Maybe it can... ''[covers the seed in dirt]'' ...If you are willing to guide it, to nurture it. To believe in it. :'''Shifu''': But how? How? I need your help, master. :'''Oogway''': No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu. Promise me you will believe. :'''Shifu''': I...I will try. :'''Oogway''': Good. ''[sees petals floating around him]'' My time has come. You must continue your journey without me. ''[hands Shifu his staff]'' :'''Shifu''': What?...What are you...? ''[Oogway backs into the swirling petals]'' Master, you can't leave me! :'''Oogway''': ''[last words as he starts to vanish]'' You must believe. :'''Shifu''': Master! ''[Oogway disappears, and Shifu stares sadly after him, cut in to the Po's cooking tonight]'' :'''Po''': ''[making dinner for The Furious Five]'' So, I'm like "Fine. You may be a wolf. You may be the scariest bandit in the Hajin Province, but you're a lousy tipper!" :'''Crane''': Really, so how'd you get out of there alive? :'''Po''': I mean, I didn't actually say that, but I thought it...in...in my mind. If he could read my mind, he would've been like "What?". Order up! ''[passes out bowls of soup to four of the Five]'' Hope you like it. ''[watches patiently]'' :'''Mantis''': This is really good! :'''Po''': ''[sitting down]'' Nah, c'mon, you should try my dad's secret ingredient soup. He actually knows the secret ingredient. :'''Viper''': What are you talking about? This is amazing! :'''Crane''': Wow, you're a really good cook! :''[Po looks a bit sheepish, wondering if his old life really could influence his new]'' :'''Mantis''': I wish my mouth was bigger! :'''Monkey''': Tigress, you've got to try this. :'''Tigress''': Hmmm. ''[picking up a cube of tofu with her chopsticks, the only one of the five without noodles]'' It is said that the Dragon Warrior can survive for months at a time on nothing, but the dew of a single Ginko leaf and the energy of the universe. :'''Po''': I guess my body doesn't know it's the Dragon Warrior yet. ''[chuckles]'' I'm gonna need a lot more than dew, and...uh, universe juice. ''[slurps his noodles, with one hanging over his nose like mustache; Mantis snickers]'' What? :'''Mantis''': Oh, nothing..."Master Shifu". :''[Everyone, except Tigress, begin to chuckle]'' :'''Po''': ''[gets an idea, and starts impersonating Master Shifu]'' "You will never be the Dragon Warrior, unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth!" ''[the Five, except Tigress, laughs]'' "What is that noise you're making, laughter? I have never heard of it! Work hard, Panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine." ''[brings two bowls up to his head to mimic ears; the Five laugh, then immediately stop, with shocked expressions, to see the real Shifu, with Oogway's staff, standing in the doorway]'' Ears. It's not working for ya? I thought they're pretty good. :'''Monkey''': ''[whispering]'' It's Shifu! :'''Po''': Of course it's Shifu. Who do you think I'm doing? ''[the Five stare at Po shockingly; Monkey points at the door. Po looks and sees Shifu]'' Oh, Master Shifu! Uh... ''[slurps the noodle and presses the bowls to his chest like he has pecs]'' :''[The Five, except Tigress, snicker]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[annoyed]'' You think this is funny?! Tai Lung has escaped from prison, and you're acting like children! :'''Po''': What? :'''Shifu''': He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! ''[to Po]'' And you are the ''only'' one who can stop him! :'''Po''': ''[as the bowls fall to the floor, then laughs]'' And here I am saying you got no sense of humor! ''[Shifu looks at him deadly serious]'' I'm gonna...stop Tai Lung. ''[realizing]'' What, you're serious, and I have to...? Uh, Master Oogway will stop him. He did it before, he'll do it again. :'''Shifu''': Oogway cannot! ''[his face softens and he stares sadly at his master's staff]'' Not anymore. ''[the Five gasp in shock, realizing Oogway is gone]'' Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior. :'''Tigress''': The panda? :'''Shifu''': Yes, the panda! :'''Tigress''': Master, please! ''[pushes her chair out]'' Let us stop Tai Lung. This is what you've trained us for! :'''Shifu''': No! It is not ''your'' destiny to defeat Tai Lung, it is ''his! [points at Po, but finds him gone]'' Where'd he go?! ''[Po is seen running away, screaming in panic, realizing he has to fight Tai Lung; stops him from leaving when he reaches the stairs]'' You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits! :'''Po''': Watch me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away]'' Come on! How am I supposed to defeat Tai Lung? I can't even beat you to the stairs. :'''Shifu''': You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior! ''[pokes Po in the stomach]'' :'''Po''': Ow! You don't believe that! ''[Shifu swings his arm around]'' You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you've been trying to get rid of me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but gets pushed away again]'' :'''Shifu''': Yes, I was! But now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine. :'''Po''': You're not my master. ''[shoves the staff away from his face]'' And I'm not the Dragon Warrior. :'''Shifu''': Then why didn't you quit?! You knew I was trying to get rid of you, yet you stayed. :'''Po''': Yeah, I stayed. ''[stands up]'' I stayed because every time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled. It hurt, but it could never hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me. ''[Pauses. Shifu is in a stunned silence]'' I stayed because I thought if anyone could change me... could make me... not me, it was you, the greatest kung fu teacher in all of China! :'''Shifu''': But I ''can'' change you! I ''can'' turn you into the Dragon Warrior, and I will! :'''Po''': Oh, come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now, and even if it takes him 100 years to get here, how are ''you'' gonna change ''this'' into the Dragon Warrior?! Huh? ''[Shifu is speechless]'' How?! How?! '''''HOW?!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[snaps and yells in frustration]'' '''I don't know!''' ''[calms down a bit, then he sighs deeply, realizing what he means]'' I don't know. :'''Po''': ''[sadness]'' That's what I thought. :''[From up on the rooftop of the Jade Palace, Tigress watches everything. Then she leaps from the palace, jumps on the trees, the rocks, and lands on the ground]'' :'''Tigress''': ''[to herself while looking back]'' This is what you trained me for. ''[runs off to stop Tai Lung]'' :''[The rest of the Five followed her]'' :'''Viper''': Tigress! :'''Tigress''': Don't try and stop me! :'''Viper''': We're not trying to stop you! :'''Tigress''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Viper''': We're coming with you! :''[Tigress looks at Monkey, who give her a thumbs up. She smiles as they continue to journey through the valley]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Next morning, Shifu is by himself and hears Po making karate sounds. He goes inside, looking for Po and happens to see him in the kitchen, having just punched through a wood cupboard and is currently eating its contents. Po sees Shifu and stops. Shifu look around the kitchen, where shelves are broken, cupboards have holes in them, and Po's still got food in his hands]'' :'''Po''': ''[with his mouth full]'' What? ''[annoyed]'' I eat when I'm upset, okay? :'''Shifu''': Oh, no need to explain. ''[start to turn away, then turn back]'' I just thought you might be Monkey, he hides his almond cookies on the top shelf. ''[pretends to walk off and instead leans against the wall beside the doorway, hearing a bit scuffling. When he looks in, Po is ten feet above the ground, doing a perfect split to keep himself airborne and currently shoveling Monkey’s almond cookies into his face. With a mixture of surprise and realization, he examines Po]'' :'''Po''': ''[sees Shifu with the cookies in his mouth]'' Don't tell Monkey. :'''Shifu''': ''[in astonishment]'' Look at you. :'''Po''': Yeah, I know, I disgust you. :'''Shifu''': No, no, I mean, how did you get up there? :'''Po''': ''[taking a few more cookies]'' I don't know. I just - I don't know. I was getting a cookie. :'''Shifu''': And yet, you are ten feet off the ground, and have done a perfect split. :'''Po''': No. This is just an... ''[the shelf trembles under his weight]'' ...accident. ''[the shelf breaks; falls to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[smiles, as a cookie rolls to him]'' There are no accidents. Come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': ''[to Po]'' Do you want to learn kung fu? :'''Po''': ''[amazed]'' Yeah! :'''Shifu''': Then I ''am'' your master! :'''Po''': ''[excited]'' Okay! ''[sniffs]'' :'''Shifu''': Don't cry. :'''Po''': ''[wiping his tears]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Furious Five are fighting Tai Lung on the long wooden bridge]'' :'''Tai Lung''': Where's the Dragon Warrior? :'''Tigress''': You're looking at her. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I'm a fool? I know you're not the Dragon Warrior. None of you! I heard how he fell out of the sky in a ball of fire, that he's a warrior unlike anything the world has ever seen. :'''Monkey''': ''[realization]'' Po? :'''Tai Lung''': So, that is his name. Po. ''[chuckles again]'' Finally, a worthy opponent! Our battle will be legendary! ''[raises his fist into the air]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crane''': ''[to Shifu; exhausted and out of breath from carrying the others back after their fight with Tai Lung]'' We were no match for his nerve attack. :'''Shifu''': He has gotten stronger. ''[presses some pressure points on Mantis' chest, reviving him]'' :'''Po''': Who? Tai Lung? Stronger? ''[gets punched in the face by Monkey after Shifu revives him]'' :'''Monkey''': He's too fast! Sorry, Po. :'''Tigress''': ''[as Shifu revives her; ashamed]'' I thought we could stop him. :'''Shifu''': He could have killed you. :'''Mantis''': Why didn't he? :'''Shifu''': ''[while reviving Viper]'' So you could come back here and strike fear into our hearts. But it ''won't'' work. :'''Po''': Uh...It might. I mean, a little. I'm pretty scared. :'''Shifu''': You can defeat him, panda! :'''Po''': Are you kidding? If they can't? They're five masters. I'm just one me. :'''Shifu''': But you will have the one thing that no one else does. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': Focus. '''Po''': Oh, yeah, yeah. '''Shifu''': Read it Po and fulfill your destiny. Read it and become the Dragon Warrior. '''Po''': Whoa It's impossible to open. Okay Come on baby come on now. Thank you. I probably loosened it up for you though. Okay, here goes. ''[starts unrolling the scroll, and once he's finished, he scream in terror, startling the Five]'' It's blank. :'''Shifu''': What? :'''Po''': Here, look. :'''Shifu''': No, I forbid to look upon...! ''[stops himself; looks at the scroll]'' Blank. I don't...I don't understand. :'''Po''': Okay. So, like, Oogway was just a crazy old turtle, after all. :'''Shifu''': No. Oogway was wiser than us all. :'''Po''': Oh, come on! Face it, he picked me by accident. Of course I'm not the Dragon Warrior. ''[sits on the floor; disappointed]'' Who am I kidding? :'''Tigress''': But who will stop Tai Lung? :'''Crane''': He'll destroy everything and everyone. :'''Shifu''': No. Evacuate the valley. You must protect the villagers from Tai Lung's rage. :'''Tigress''': What about you, Master? :'''Shifu''': I will fight him. :'''Po''': ''[shocked]'' What? :'''Shifu''': I can hold him off long enough for everyone to escape. :'''Po''': But, Shifu, he'll kill you. :'''Shifu''': Then I will finally have paid for my mistake. Listen to me, all of you. It is time for you to continue your journey without me. I am ''very'' proud to have been your master. ''[salutes Po and The Five and they salute in return]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': Po, I'm going to tell you something I should've told you long ago. I'm about to tell you the secret ingredient of my Secret Ingredient Soup! Come here. The secret ingredient is...nothing! :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Mr. Ping''': You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient! :'''Po''': Wait, wait. It's just plain old noodle soup? You don't add some kind of special sauce or something? :'''Mr. Ping''': Don't have to. To make something special, you just have to believe it is special. :'''Po''': ''[finally understands the Dragon Scroll's secret]'' There is no secret ingredient. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shifu waits and closes his eyes. Thunder roars and lightning flashes as Shifu opens his eyes, seeing that Tai Lung is standing in front of him at the top of the stairs of the Palace]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I have come home, Master. :'''Shifu''': This is no longer your home, and I am no longer your master. :'''Tai Lung''': Yes. You have a new favorite. So where is this "Po"? ''[chuckles a bit]'' Did I scare him off? :'''Shifu''': This battle is between you and me. :'''Tai Lung''': So, this is how it's going to be. :'''Shifu''': That is how it must be. :''[Shifu and Tai Lung fight outside the palace before fighting inside the Hall of Warriors]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I rotted in jail for TWENTY YEARS because of your weakness! :'''Shifu''': ''[enraged]'' '''OBEYING YOUR MASTER IS NOT WEAKNESS!''' :'''Tai Lung''': You knew ''I'' was the Dragon Warrior! ''[flashback ensues; 20 years ago, in the exact same spot in the Hall of Warriors; Tai Lung awaits Shifu and Oogway's evaluation]'' You ''always'' knew. But when Oogway said otherwise... ''[Oogway turns to Shifu and shakes his head in refusal and walks away]'' What did you do? ''[Shifu is about to say something, but remains silent out of respect for his master]'' ''What did you do?!'' ''[return to the present; furious]'' '''NOTHING!''' :'''Shifu''': '''YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO BE THE DRAGON WARRIOR!''' '''''THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT!''''' :'''Tai Lung''': NOT YOUR '''FAULT?!''' ''[knocks down Master Flying Rhino's armor]'' Who filled my head with dreams?! ''[starts throwing weapons at Shifu, which he dodges]'' Who drove me to train until my bones cracked?! '''''WHO DENIED ME MY DESTINY?!''''' ''[launches a volley of blades at Shifu, who deflects all of them]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[driving last blade into the ground; enraged]'' '''''IT WAS NEVER MY DECISION TO MAKE!''''' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[growls and leaps to Oogway's shrine. He picks up the deceased master's staff, holding it out to Shifu]'' It is now. ''[Shifu charges Tai Lung; Tai Lung uses the curved end of Oogway's staff to pin him to the ground]'' Give...me...the scroll! :'''Shifu''': I would rather die! :'''Tai Lung''': ''[Tai Lung tries to kill Shifu with Oogway's staff. Shifu pushes against it, and the staff breaks it. They fight, until Tai Lung eventually gains the upper hand with flaming blue paws that Shifu struggles to blocks]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[furiously pummelling Shifu]'' ALL I EVER DID, I DID TO MAKE YOU PROUD! TELL ME HOW ''PROUD'' YOU ARE, SHIFU! TELL ME! '''''TELL ME!!!''' [his final blow sends Shifu flying across the room. He lands in a heap at the foot of the stairs. He extinguishes the blue flames of his paws]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[tired, solemn, and sad]'' I...I have always been proud of you. From the first moment, I've been proud of you. And it was my pride that blinded me. I loved you too much to see what you were becoming...what I was turning you into. I'm...I'm sorry. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[taken aback for a moment, but angrily recovers and seizes Shifu by the throat]'' I don't want your apology! I want my scroll! ''[looks up at the ceiling and sees the Dragon Scroll is missing; shocked]'' What?! ''[enraged; Dragon scoll is gone] '''WHERE IS IT?!''' [furiously slams Shifu to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[trying his best to escape Tai Lung's grip around his neck]'' The Dragon Warrior has taken the scroll halfway across China by now. ''[coughs]'' You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! ''[Tai Lung draws his claws, ready to kill him]'' Never! ''[weakly]'' N-Never... :'''Po''': ''[off-screen] '''HEY!''' [Tai Lung stops and turns. He sees him at the entrance, out of breath]'' Ugh, stairs. Ugh. Ugh. :'''Tai Lung''': Who are you? :'''Po''': ''[catching his breath]'' Buddy...I...am the Dragon Warrior. ''[gasps one last time to catch his breath]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[disbelievingly]'' You? ''[laughs; to Shifu]'' Him? He's a panda. ''[to Po]'' You're a ''panda''. [sarcastically]'' What are you gonna do, big guy? sit on me? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Po''': Don't tempt me. ''[laughs]'' Now I'm gonna use ''this.'' ''[holds up the Dragon Scroll and chuckles]'' You want it? Come and get it. :''[Tai Lung attacks Po with a punch and steals the Dragon Scroll from him]'' :'''Tai Lung''': Finally! ''[Po bounces off a wall and strikes him, and takes the Scroll back. He kicks Po into a building roof and a tree, the latter Po uses to smack him backwards onto another building. He then attacks Po with a round-house kick, sending him tumbling down a flight of stairs]'' That scroll is ''MINE!'' :''[Po and Tai Lung scuffle for the scroll as they bounce down the stairs and exchange blows at each other. In slow-motion, Po sits on Tai Lung's head, then in regular speed, he is sent crashing through the roof of the gate entrance to the Jade Palace and landing on a pan full of noodles, covering him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tai Lung''': Finally! Oh, yes. The power of the Dragon Scroll...is ''mine! [opens the Dragon Scroll, but finds only nothing but the golden reflection]'' It's nothing! :'''Po''': ''[getting up]'' It's okay. I didn't get it the first time, either. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Po''': There is no secret ingredient. ''[Tai Lung throws the Dragon Scroll to the ground in frustration]'' It's just you. ''[looks down at the golden reflection and smiles]'' :''[Tai Lung snarls in fury, realizing over all the work he did for nothing, and strikes his nerve attack at Po in the chest, making him fall to the ground, and starts laughing, feeling like he's being tickled]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long fight, Tai Lung is severely battered]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[weakly]'' You...''can't'' defeat me. ''[comes out panting in exhaustion, having suffered bent whiskers and a black eye; still refusing to give up]'' You... You're just a big...fat...panda! :'''Po''': ''[pinches Tai Lung's finger]'' I'm not a big fat panda. I'm ''the'' big fat panda. ''[lifts up his pinky finger]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[gasps in horror]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold! :'''Po''': Oh, you ''know'' this hold? :'''Tai Lung''': ''[to Po; last words]'' You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that. :'''Po''': Nope. I figured it out. ''[flexes his pinky finger]'' Skadoosh. :''[Tai Lung disappears in a rippling wave of light, being sent to the Spirit Realm]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; Po rushes up the stairs to the Jade Palace to check on Shifu, whom he finds unconscious]'' :'''Po''': Master! Shifu! Shifu, are you okay? :'''Shifu''': ''[coughs; weakly]'' Po, you're alive... ''[sadly]'' or we're both dead. :'''Po''': No, Master, I didn't die. I defeated Tai Lung. :'''Shifu''': You did? ''[Po nods yes]'' Wow. It is just as Oogway... foretold. You ''are'' the Dragon Warrior. ''[Po's smile disappears]'' You have brought peace...to this valley. And...and to me. Thank you. ''[sighs again]'' Thank you, Po. Thank you. Thank you. ''[lies down and closes his eyes, apparently to have died in Po's arms]'' :'''Po''': ''[looks disbelievingly at his master]'' No! Master! No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please-- :'''Shifu''': ''[opens his eyes in annoyance]'' I'm not dying, you idiot- ''[realizes]'' Uh, Dragon Warrior. ''[relaxes and folds his hands over his chest]'' I am simply at peace. Finally. :'''Po''': Ohhh. So, um, I should stop talking? :'''Shifu''': ''[smiling]'' If you can. :'''Po''': ''[lies down beside him, fidgeting; then speaks:]'' You want to get something to eat? :'''Shifu''': ''[wakes up]'' Yeah. == Taglines == * Prepare For Awesomeness. * Experience The Pandamonium In IMAX. * Summertime Is Pandatime. == Giant Panda == * Ranpha Franboise — Pepper Mildred Clark ==See also== * [[Kung Fu Panda 2]] * [[Kung Fu Panda 3]] * [[Kung Fu Panda 4]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=441773|title=Kung Fu Panda}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=kung_fu_panda|title=Kung Fu Panda}} {{Kung Fu Panda}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2008 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2008 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American animated feature films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Films directed by John Stevenson]] [[Category:Kung Fu Panda]] [[Category:Animated films set in China]] [[Category:Animated films about animals]] hj2j2oabp7w0fxyp0b5zesk0799igwl 3955139 3955138 2026-06-21T20:08:27Z ~2026-35862-56 3343694 /* Dialogue */ 3955139 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (film)|Kung Fu Panda]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] American animated [[w:martial arts|martial arts]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Pictures]]. It tells the story about an obese and clumsy panda who finds himself designated the prophesied Dragon Warrior, much to the disbelief of his would be peers. The sequels were released with ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' in 2011, ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' in 2016, and ''[[Kung Fu Panda 4]]'' in 2024. :''Directed by [[w:John Stevenson|John Stevenson]] and [[w:Mark Osborne|Mark Osborne]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel|Jonathan Aibel]] and [[w:Glenn Berger|Glenn Berger]].'' {{center|'''Prepare For Awesomeness. Pandamonium Begins.''' {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Po the Panda== * I LOVE KUNG FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuu....oooooooo.... oof. * Dumpling is the only way to sort out problems. * ''[looking at the Sword of Heroes while looking around in the Sacred Hall of Warriors]'' The Sword of Heroes! Said to be so sharp you can cut yourself just by looking - Ow! * ''[meeting the Furious Five for the first time up close in person as they give him curious expressions]'' The Furious Five! You're (all) so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're 'bout the same. * I thought you said acupuncture would make me feel better. * ''[impersonating Master Shifu]'' "You will never be the Dragon Warrior unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth! What is that noise you're making? Laughter? I've never heard of it! Work hard, panda, and maybe some day, you will have ears like mine." ==Shifu== * Zeng! Fly to Chorh-Gom Prison and tell them to double the guards, double their weapons, double everything! Tai Lung does not leave that prison! * Citizens of the Valley of Peace, it's my great honor to present you, Tigress, Viper, Crane, Monkey and Mantis! The Furious Five! * ''[facing Tai Lung]'' You were not meant to be the Dragon Warrior! That was not my fault! * Would whoever is making that flapping sound, quiet down?! * I'm not dying, you idiot! ==Tai Lung== * Shifu taught you well. ''[strikes Monkey with his nerve strike, paralyzing him]'' But he didn't teach you everything. * ''[sees Po climbing to the Dragon Scroll]'' The scroll has given him power! '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!''''' * So that is his name. Po. Finally, a worthy opponent. Our battle will be legendary! ==Others== :'''Commander Vachir''': ''[to Tai Lung]'' Hey, tough guy, did you hear? Oogway's finally going to give someone the Dragon Scroll and it's ''not'' gonna be you. :'''Mantis''': ''[while putting Po under acupuncture]'' Who am I to judge a warrior based on his size? I mean, look at me. I'm over here. ==Dialogue== :''[First lines; film starts in a 2D-style animation; title appears]'' :'''Po''': ''[narrating]'' Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung-fu skills were the stuff of legend. He traveled the land in search of worthy foes. ''[gets confronted by a group of criminals]'' :'''Bull criminal''': I see you like to chew. Maybe you should chew...ON MY FIST! ''[slams his fist on the table]'' :'''Po''': ''[narrating]'' The warrior said nothing for his mouth was full. Then he swallowed... ''[does so]'' ...and then he spoke. ''[spoken]'' Enough talk, let's fight! SHA-BAA-BOOOEEEE! ''[kicks the criminals away; narrating]'' He was so deadly, in fact, his enemies would go blind from over exposure to pure awesomeness! :'''Leopard Criminal''': MY EYES! :'''Crocodile Criminal''': HE'S TOO AWESOME! :'''Female Bunny''': And attractive. :'''Male Bunny''': How can we repay you? :'''Po''': There's no charge for awesomeness. Or attractiveness. ''[the female bunny giggles]'' KABLOOEYY! ''[the roof explodes and the warrior with a cloud of ninjas erupts into the sky. Like a tornado, the warrior twists and kicks them away rapidly; narrating]'' It mattered not how many foes he faced. They were no match for his bodacity. ''[spoken]'' KIAI! ''[narrating]'' '''''NEVER BEFORE''''' had a panda been so feared, and so loved. Even the most heroic heroes in all of China, THE FURIOUS FIVE. Bowed in respect to this great master. :'''Monkey''': We should hang out. :'''Po''': Agreed. ''[narrating]'' But hanging out would have to wait. Because when you're facing the 10,000 demons of Demon Mountain, there's only one thing that matters, and that's... :''[His dream is interrupted by Mr. Ping]'' :'''Mr. Ping''': Po! ''[as Monkey]'' Get up! ''[as Tigress]'' You'll be late for work! :'''Po''': Huh? ''[falls out of his dream, lands on the floor in his room and wakes up in 3D-style animation]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': Po, what are you doing up there? :'''Po''': Uh, nothing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the gardens of the Jade Palace, Shifu plays the flute. Then the Furious Five sneak up behind him to tackle him, but Shifu uses his kung fu skills in defense]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[to the Furious Five]'' Well done, students...if you were trying to disappoint me. ''[points his flute at the Five, all bowing respectfully as he mentions their name]'' Tigress, you need more ferocity! Monkey, greater speed! Crane, height! Viper, subtlety! Mantis...! :'''Zeng''': Master Shifu. :'''Shifu''': ''[points his flute at Zeng]'' What?! :'''Zeng''': It's Master Oogway. He wants to see you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Oogway''': ''[to Shifu]'' I have had a vision: Tai Lung will return. :'''Shifu''': ''[imagines Tai Lung, in 2-D, breaking free]'' That is impossible! He is in prison! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': But who? Who is worthy to be trusted with the secret to limitless power? To become...the Dragon Warrior? :'''Oogway''': ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': ''[dazed from falling]'' Oh. What's going on? Where? ''[sees Oogway pointing his finger at him]'' What are you pointing...? Oh! Okay. Sorry, I just wanted to see who the Dragon Warrior was. :'''Oogway''': How interesting. :'''Tigress''': Master, are you pointing at me? :'''Oogway''': Him. :'''Po''': Who? ''[moves around as Oogway's finger follows him, still pointing at him]'' :'''Oogway''': You. :'''Po''': Me? :'''Oogway''': ''[lifts Po's arm up with his staff]'' The universe has brought us the Dragon Warrior! :'''Po''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Furious Five''': ''[flabbergasted]'' What?! :'''Shifu''': ''[shocked]'' What?! :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[enters]'' WHAT?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': Master Oogway, wait! That flabby panda can't possibly be the answer to our problem. You were about to point at Tigress and that thing fell in front of her! That was just an accident! :'''Oogway''': There are no accidents. ''[walks off]'' :''[Shifu is left stunned]'' :'''Tigress''': Forgive us, Master. We've failed you. :'''Shifu''': ''[holds up his hand]'' No. If the panda has not quit by morning, then I will have failed you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': ''[as Shifu pinches his finger and lifts up his pinky]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold! Not the Wuxi Finger Hold! :'''Shifu''': Oh, you know this hold? :'''Po''': Developed by Master Wuxi in the Third Dynasty. Yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': Uh, yeah. It's just...maybe we can find something more suited to my level... :'''Shifu''': And what level is that? :'''Po''': Well, you know, I'm not a master, but, uh, Let's just start at 0. Level 0. :'''Shifu''': Oh, no. There is no such thing as Level 0. :'''Po''': ''[spotted the training dummy]'' Hey! Maybe I can start on that! :'''Shifu''': That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot. But, if you insist... :'''Po''': ''[sees and meets the Furious Five up close for the first time, watching him with curious expressions]'' Whoa! The Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're about the same. :''[Mantis glares at Po as one of his antennae twitches]'' :'''Shifu''': Go ahead, Panda. Show us what you can do. :'''Po''': ''[hesitates; uneasily]'' Uh, are they gonna watch, or should I just wait until they get back to work or somethin'? :'''Shifu''': Hit it. :'''Po''': ''[stalling]'' Yeah, well, I just ate, so I'm still digesting, so my Kung Fu may not be as good as... later on. :'''Shifu''': Just hit it. :'''Po''': Uh, OK. ''[looks over at the training dummy]'' What'cha got? You got nothing, cause I got it right here. You pickin' on my friends? ''[quickly shuffles his feet]'' Get ready to feel the thunder, I'm comin' at you with the crazy feet. What'cha gonna do about crazy feet? Come on. I'm a blur, I'm a blur. You've never seen ''bear'' style, you've only seen praying mantis. Or monkey-style. ''[starts chattering like a monkey. Monkey raises an eyebrow]'' Or snickety-snake-alike? :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' Would you hit it?! :'''Po''': ''[stops, annoyed]'' Alright. ''[gives the dummy a little tap with his fist, making it lean back]'' :'''Shifu''': Why don't you try again? A little harder. :'''Po''': ''[punches the dummy, sending it hurtling backwards]'' Ha! How's that? ''[the dummy swings back, knocking his tooth out and sending him flying into the training hall's obstacle course. The Furious 5 starts forward, but Shifu holds up his hand to stop them. Po accidentally does a split on the moving ropes]'' Oh, that hurts! ''[a spiked pendulum swings towards him and hits him square in the face, knocking him into Crane's tilting bowl, hitting his head several times]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[very amused]'' This'll be easier than I thought. :'''Po''': ''[spills out of the tilting bowl, and wanders to the moving arm guard section]'' Feeling a little nauseous. ''[pushes one arm, starting a chain reaction that causes him to get hit repeatedly in the face, belly, legs, arms...]'' Ow! Oh, those are hard! ''[...then his crotch]'' Ooh-hoo-hoo! ''[drops to knees, rises and covers his crotch]'' OOH! My tenders! ''[in pain, he rests one hand on a moving arm, starting the whole chain reaction over again, and smacking him into the fire floor area]'' Uh-oh. ''[cut back to Shifu and the Furious 5 who wince and look away as we hear fire burning and Po screaming. He slumps over next to Shifu, burnt, charred, and weakly]'' How did I do? :'''Shifu''': ''[chuckles]'' There is ''now''...a Level 0. ''[snuffs out a flame on top of Po's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mantis''': There's no words. :'''Crane''': No denying that. :'''Viper''': I don't understand what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's just gonna get himself killed. :'''Crane''': ''[mocking Po's lack of skills; sarcastically]'' He is ''so'' mighty! The Dragon Warrior - fell out of the sky in a ball of fire! :'''Mantis''': When he walks, the very ground shakes. :''[The Furious Five laugh, except Tigress]'' :'''Tigress''': One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually ''knew'' kung fu. :'''Crane''': Yeah, or could be at least touch his toes. :'''Monkey''': Or even ''see'' his toes. :''[The Furious Five laugh again. The camera turns to Po, reveling that he is hearing them insult him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trying to get to his room without waking up the Five, Po tiptoes through the hallway, only to trip and walk into Crane's room]'' :'''Po''': Oh, hey. Hi, you're, uh...you're up. :'''Crane''': Am now. :'''Po''': I was just...Some day, huh? That Kung Fu stuff is hard work, right? Your biceps sore? :'''Crane''': ''[looks at his arms awkwardly]'' Uh...I've had a long and rather disappointing day. So, yeah. I should probably get to sleep now. :'''Po''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. :'''Crane''': OK, thanks. :'''Po''': It's just-Man, I'm such a big fan! You guys were totally amazing at the Battle of the Weeping River. Outnumbered 1001, but you didn't stop. And you just- ''[tries Kung Fu, only to accidentally kick a hole in the wall, leading to Monkey's room; Po peaks into the hole to see Monkey, who is now glaring at him]'' Oh, sorry about that. :'''Crane''': Uh, look, you don't belong here. :'''Po''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' I know. I know. You're right. I don't have-I just-my whole life, I've dreamed of- :'''Crane''': No, no, no. I meant you don't belong ''here''. I mean, in this room. This is my room. ''[softly taps his bed with his foot]'' Property of Crane. :'''Po''': Okay. Right, right. So, yeah, you wanna get to sleep and I'm keeping you up. We get big things tomorrow. All right. You are awesome. Last thing I wanna say. Bye-bye. ''[leaves, but remains outside the door]'' :'''Crane''': ''[sighs in annoyance]''. :'''Po''': ''[peeks his head in]'' What was that? :'''Crane''': I didn't say anything. :'''Po''': Okay. All right. Good night. Sleep well. ''[closes the door and Crane puts his foot on his head]'' Seemed a bit awkward. ''[tries to get to his room despite the creaking noise; Tigress opens her doors annoyed]'' Master Tigress. Didn't mean to wake you. Just, uh- :'''Tigress''': You don't belong here. :'''Po''': Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. This is your room. :'''Tigress''': I mean, you don't belong in the Jade Palace. You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have ''any'' respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning. ''[slams her doors closed]'' :''[Po, clearly hurt by her words, gropes for a response]'' :'''Po''': ''[weakly]'' Big fan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Po is standing near a peach tree outside the Jade Palace]'' :'''Oogway''': ''[walks up to him]'' I see you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom. :'''Po''': ''[turns around, holding a bunch of peaches in his arms and mouth]'' Oh, is that what this is? I am so sorry! I thought it was just a regular peach tree. :'''Oogway''': I understand. You eat when you are upset. :'''Po''': ''[spits out the peaches]'' Upset? I'm not upset. Why - What makes you think I'm upset? :'''Oogway''': So, why are you upset? :'''Po''': ''[sighs]'' I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu, in the history of China, in the history of ''sucking''. :'''Oogway''': Probably. :'''Po''': And the Five! Man, you should have seen them! They totally hate me. :'''Oogway''': Totally. :'''Po''': How is Shifu ever going to turn ''me'' into the Dragon Warrior? I mean, I'm not like the Five. I've got no claws, no wings, no venom. Even Mantis has those...thingies. ''[sighs]'' Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles. :'''Oogway''': ''[pauses]'' Quit, don't quit. Noodles, no noodles. You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There's a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." ''[taps the peach tree with his staff, making a peach fall into Po's hand, and leaves]'' :''[Po looks at the peach before looking back at Oogway, and smiles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Chorh-Gom Prison, Tai Lung is using the feather he picked up with his tail to unlock the shell holding him down. His ears start perking up, too. The dragon heads start loosening as the shell is unlocked. Tai Lung starts breathing and his claws come out. The dragon heads of the shell come off and the shell loosens, before Tai-lung breaks free from the shell and completely destroys it, alerting Commander Vachir, Zeng and everyone else in the prison]'' :'''Vachir''': OH, NO! :'''Zeng''': What's happening?! ''[looks down at the scene below, and gasps in horror upon seeing Tai Lung trying to break himself free from his restraints]'' :'''Chorh-Gom Prison Guards''': To your battle stations! Go! Go! Go! :''[Tai Lung stands up and roars at Vachir, making Zeng shiver in fear]'' :'''Vachir''': Fire, crossbows! :'''Crossbow Guard 1''': ''[fires an arrow at Tai-Lung]'' Fire! :''[Tai Lung dodges the arrows fired by the crossbow guards by moving left to right, then glares at another guard]'' :'''Crossbow Guard 2''': Fire! ''[fires at Tai Lung, only for the snow leopard to not only dodge it, but also makes it break off the restraint on his right hand]'' :''[The guards look on in horror at what he just did. Tai Lung then breaks off the restraint on his left hand with a grunt, and he is now completely free]'' :'''Zeng''': Tai Lung is free! I must warn Shifu! ''[goes to warn Shifu]'' :''' Vachir''': ''[grabs Zeng by the neck]'' You're not going anywhere, neither is he! :'''Zeng''': Let go of me! :''' Vachir''': ''[to the guards]'' Bring it up! :''[The guards bring up a small platform]'' :'''Guard''': Wait! Bring it back! :''[He and another guard try to jump up to the platform, but miss. Meanwhile, Tai Lung notices another crossbow firing another arrow at him. He deflects it with his right paw, then kicks it back towards the guards, who dodge it. He then flings four more arrows into the wall, then cracks his neck and launches himself using the sixth arrow and begins his escape from prison]'' :'''Zeng''': ''[scared]'' He's coming this way! :''' Vachir''': He won't get far. Archers! :''[The guards fire archer arrows at Tai Lung, who launches himself from the last arrow to grab onto the platform before the archers kill him. Another guard with an axe slices off the chain to stop Tai Lung from proceeding any further, causing the platform to crash land into the ground below. The two axe guards laugh and do an axe type high five, thinking they stopped Tai Lung, but get knocked out by the snow leopard. He then uses a chain to swing himself onto another bridge and battles more guards. With a heavy punch, he destroys a guard's weapon as he gets knocked backwards into the other guards, knocking them all out and others falling into the darkness below. He continues to break his way out of prison, but two guards try to lock him out to stop him. He busts the door down, knocking the two guards out and he takes out another two guards, leaving them dizzy. He steals another guard's spike-ball weapon and knocks him out before attacking three guards with the stolen weapon, before placing it into a fourth guard's mouth, and sending him flying as he sends more guards falling into the dark chasm at the bottom of the prison and knocking the guard he sent flying into another guard through the doorway, the latter guard letting out a Wilhelm scream. Eventually, Tai Lung reaches the entrance to the prison, where Vachir and the guards are blocking his way and readying their weapons. Vachir and Tai Lung growl at each other with deep hatred towards each other, while Zeng squawks in fear. Tai Lung then prepares himself to take on Vachir and the remaining guards]'' :'''Zeng''': We're dead. So very, very dead. :'''Vachir''': ''[laughs]'' Not yet, we're not. ''[to another guard]'' Now! :''[The guard fires a fire arrow at a bomb, causing a chain reaction of three explosions. Tai Lung looks up and sees pillars falling towards him, then they make contact with the bridge, causing it to crumble. Tai Lung makes his way towards the entrance by dodging the falling pillars and makes a giant leap towards Vachir and the others, but misses his mark and lands on a falling pillar. Vachir laughs and waves at Tai-Lung, tauntingly. Tai Lung then sees one bomb that hasn't exploded yet and climbs his way towards it. In slow motion, he climbs up a giant pillar and jumps onto the last pillar. In regular speed, he climbs up and grabs the bomb and dives down towards Vachir and the others, the former of whom realizes there is nothing he and the other guards can do to stop him now]'' :'''Zeng''': ''[terrified]'' Can we run now? :'''Vachir''': ''[terrified]'' Yes. :''[But it is way too late. Tai Lung throws the bomb at Vachir, Zeng and the other guards and the bomb explodes, destroying the door and sending everyone flying out of Chorh-Gom Prison, knocking them all out, except Zeng. Vachir's golden nose lands next to him, but it is unknown if he was killed or was badly injured from the blast. Tai Lung then grabs Zeng by his neck and lifts him up, who gulps in fear while looking at the snow leopard, the latter of whom having successfully broken out of Chorh-Gom Prison]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[sighs and rubs Zeng's forehead]'' I'm glad Shifu sent you. I was beginning to think I'd been forgotten. Fly back there and tell them the ''real'' Dragon Warrior is coming home. ''[Zeng nods and Tai Lung releases him. Zeng then flies back to the Jade Palace]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next morning, at the Jade Palace]'' :'''Furious Five''': ''[wake up to meet Shifu]'' Good morning, Master! :'''Shifu''': ''[notices that Po is not coming out]'' Panda?! Panda! Wake up! ''[opens the doors, realizes that he's not in his room, nor that he first enters his own room; chuckles]'' He's quit. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Viper''': What do we do now, Master, with the panda gone? Who will be the Dragon Warrior? :'''Shifu''': All we can do is resume our training and trust that in time, the ''true'' Dragon Warrior will be revealed. ''[opens the training courtyard doors, only to find himself face-to-face with Po, spreading out his legs wide apart on two training horses]'' What are you doing here?! :'''Po''': ''[sees Shifu and the Five staring at him]'' Hi! Good morning, Master! I just thought I'd warm up a little. :'''Shifu''': You're stuck. :'''Po''': Stuck? Nah. What? Stuck? Nah. This is one of my...Yeah, I'm stuck. :'''Shifu''': ''[to Crane]'' Help him. :'''Crane''': Oh, dear. ''[walks to Po]'' Maybe on three. One, two-- ''[flaps his wings, while pulling him up and Po flops onto his back.]'' :'''Po''': ''[gets up]'' Thank you. :'''Crane''': Don't mention it. :'''Po''': No really, I appreci— :'''Crane''': Ever. :'''Shifu''': You actually thought you could learn to do a full split in one night? ''[flings two boards into the air]'' It takes years to develop one's flexibility, and years longer ''[snaps his fingers, Tigress leaps up]'' to apply it in combat. :''[Tigress executes a perfect split kick. Po is awestruck. Tigress lands, glares at Po and returns to Shifu's side. The broken chunks of board land all around Po, a large one knocking him on the head. Po picks up the piece of splintered board and hides it behind his back.]'' :'''Shifu''': Put that down! The only souvenirs we collect here are bloody knuckles and broken bones. :'''Po''': ''[chucks the broken chunk]'' Yeah, excellent! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Po is being restored after he was tumbled down the stairs.]'' :'''Po''': Aaaoo...whoohoo...EEEee...hee- hee... OW! I thought you said acupuncture would make me feel better?! :'''Mantis''': Trust me, it will. It's just not easy finding the right nerve points under all this… :'''Po''': Meat? :'''Mantis''': Fur. I was going to say fur. :'''Po''': more or less. :'''Mantis''': Who am I to judge a warrior based on his size? I mean... look at me. I'm over here. ''[jabs an acupuncture needle in Po]'' :'''Po''': Ah-HAH! :'''Viper''': ''[Po he screams in pain]'' Maybe you should take a look at this again :'''Mantis''': Oh, okay. :''[cut to Monkey's room; Monkey awakes and hears Po.]'' :'''Po''': Ow! Stop! Please! :''[cut to Crane's room; Crane is drawing a symbol, but accidentally smears the paper upon hearing Po.]'' :'''Po''': I know Master Shifu's trying to inspire me and all, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to get rid of me. ''[chuckles awkwardly]'' :'''Mantis''': ''[unpause]'' I know he can seem kind of heartless... ''[jabs another acupuncture needle in Po]'' but he wasn't always like that. :'''Viper''': According to legend, there was once a time when Master Shifu actually used to smile. :''[Tigress walks down the bunkhouse hall and stops outside of Po's room when she overhears Po, Viper, and Mantis talking]'' :'''Po''': No. :'''Mantis''': Yes. :'''Viper''': But that was before. :'''Po''': Before what? :'''Tigress''': ''[enters]'' Before Tai Lung. :'''Crane''': ''[from his room]'' Uh, yeah, we're not really supposed to talk about him. :'''Tigress''': Well, if he's going to stay here, he should know. :'''Po''': Guys, guys, I know about Tai Lung. He was a student. The first ever to master the thousand scrolls of kung fu. ''[nervously as Tigress stares piercingly at him]'' And then he turned bad, and now he's in jail. :'''Tigress''': He wasn't just a student. ''[flashback begins to a younger Shifu stepping out of the training hall courtyard and finds baby Tai Lung, wrapped in cloth; voiceover]'' Shifu found him as a cub...and he raised him as his son. And when the boy showed talent in kung fu...Shifu trained him. He believed in him. He told him he was destined for greatness. It was never enough for Tai Lung. He wanted the Dragon Scroll, but Oogway saw darkness in his heart and refused. ''[Tai Lung rampages]'' Outraged, Tai Lung laid waste to the valley. ''[Tai Lung crashes through the doors into the Hall of Warriors]'' He tried to take the scroll by force. And Shifu had to destroy what he had created. ''[Shifu leaps at Tai Lung to give him a kick, but remembers him as a baby at the last second]'' But how could he? ''[Tai Lung strikes Shifu and he crashes to the ground with a broken leg, then leaps for the Dragon Scroll, but Oogway intercepts and strikes his pressure points, making him fall to the ground in a heap; Shifu stares in sadness and disbelief, then crawls over to Tai Lung, but is unable to touch him]'' Shifu loved Tai Lung like he had never loved anyone before. ''[cut to the younger Tigress training kung fu, only for Shifu to lift her head with his stick and walks off, causing her to frown]'' Or since. ''[back to the present; everyone is quietest]'' And now, he has a chance to make things right, to train the true Dragon Warrior. And he's stuck with you. A big, fat panda who treats it like a joke. :'''Po''': [suddenly makes a weird sound and a face and freezes]'' DOIEEEEEE--! :'''Tigress''': ''[enraged]'' '''''OH, THAT IS IT!!''''' ''[raises her paw, intending to strike Po]'' :'''Mantis''': ''[Stops Tigress]'' WAIT! My fault! I accidentally tweaked his facial nerve! ''[Po falls over and reveals hundreds of acupuncture needles in his back and one on his neck]'' And I think I also stopped his heart. ''[taps Po twice with no response. Cut into the training hall. At the temple]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[trying to meditate]'' Inner peace. Inner peace. ''[the flapping sound disturbs him]'' Inner - Inner - Inner peace. ''[the flapping sound continues]'' Would who ever is makin' that flappin' sound quiet down?! ''[the flapping stops]'' Inner pe- ''[Zeng suddenly crashes down with a honk; turns around; looking relieved]'' Ah, Zeng. Excellent. I hear you have good news. :'''Zeng''': ''[becomes nervous with a pauses, then speaks up]'' Uh... ''[Cuts to the peach tree]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[running up to the peach tree to meet with Oogway]'' Master! Master! :'''Oogway''': Hmm? :'''Shifu''': ''[panting]'' I have...it's very bad news. :'''Oogway''': Aah, Shifu. There is just news. There is no good or bad. :'''Shifu''': Master, your vision! Your vision was right! Tai Lung has broken out of prison, and he's on his way! :'''Oogway''': ''[looks shocked]'' That ''is'' bad news. If you do not believe that the Dragon Warrior can stop him. :'''Shifu''': The panda? Master, that panda is not the Dragon Warrior. He wasn't even meant to be here! It was an accident! :'''Oogway''': There are no accidents. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs]'' Yes, I know. You've said that already...Twice. :'''Oogway''': Well, that was no accident either. :'''Shifu''': Thrice. :'''Oogway''': My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control. :'''Shifu''': Illusion? :'''Oogway''': Yes. ''[gestures to the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom]'' Look at this tree, Shifu. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me, nor make it bear fruit before it's time. :'''Shifu''': But there are things we ''can'' control. ''[kicks the tree causing several peaches to fall]'' I can control when the fruit will fall. ''[one hits him on the head and he grumbles]'' And I can control... ''[tosses the peach in the air and chops it in half]'' Where to plant the seed. ''[punches a hole in the ground and catches the seed]'' That is no illusion, Master. ''[throws the seed into the hole]'' :'''Oogway''': Ah, yes, but no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach. :'''Shifu''': But a peach can't defeat Tai Lung! :'''Oogway''': Maybe it can... ''[covers the seed in dirt]'' ...If you are willing to guide it, to nurture it. To believe in it. :'''Shifu''': But how? How? I need your help, master. :'''Oogway''': No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu. Promise me you will believe. :'''Shifu''': I...I will try. :'''Oogway''': Good. ''[sees petals floating around him]'' My time has come. You must continue your journey without me. ''[hands Shifu his staff]'' :'''Shifu''': What?...What are you...? ''[Oogway backs into the swirling petals]'' Master, you can't leave me! :'''Oogway''': ''[last words as he starts to vanish]'' You must believe. :'''Shifu''': Master! ''[Oogway disappears, and Shifu stares sadly after him, cut in to the Po's cooking tonight]'' :'''Po''': ''[making dinner for The Furious Five]'' So, I'm like "Fine. You may be a wolf. You may be the scariest bandit in the Hajin Province, but you're a lousy tipper!" :'''Crane''': Really, so how'd you get out of there alive? :'''Po''': I mean, I didn't actually say that, but I thought it...in...in my mind. If he could read my mind, he would've been like "What?". Order up! ''[passes out bowls of soup to four of the Five]'' Hope you like it. ''[watches patiently]'' :'''Mantis''': This is really good! :'''Po''': ''[sitting down]'' Nah, c'mon, you should try my dad's secret ingredient soup. He actually knows the secret ingredient. :'''Viper''': What are you talking about? This is amazing! :'''Crane''': Wow, you're a really good cook! :''[Po looks a bit sheepish, wondering if his old life really could influence his new]'' :'''Mantis''': I wish my mouth was bigger! :'''Monkey''': Tigress, you've got to try this. :'''Tigress''': Hmmm. ''[picking up a cube of tofu with her chopsticks, the only one of the five without noodles]'' It is said that the Dragon Warrior can survive for months at a time on nothing, but the dew of a single Ginko leaf and the energy of the universe. :'''Po''': I guess my body doesn't know it's the Dragon Warrior yet. ''[chuckles]'' I'm gonna need a lot more than dew, and...uh, universe juice. ''[slurps his noodles, with one hanging over his nose like mustache; Mantis snickers]'' What? :'''Mantis''': Oh, nothing..."Master Shifu". :''[Everyone, except Tigress, begin to chuckle]'' :'''Po''': ''[gets an idea, and starts impersonating Master Shifu]'' "You will never be the Dragon Warrior, unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth!" ''[the Five, except Tigress, laughs]'' "What is that noise you're making, laughter? I have never heard of it! Work hard, Panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine." ''[brings two bowls up to his head to mimic ears; the Five laugh, then immediately stop, with shocked expressions, to see the real Shifu, with Oogway's staff, standing in the doorway]'' Ears. It's not working for ya? I thought they're pretty good. :'''Monkey''': ''[whispering]'' It's Shifu! :'''Po''': Of course it's Shifu. Who do you think I'm doing? ''[the Five stare at Po shockingly; Monkey points at the door. Po looks and sees Shifu]'' Oh, Master Shifu! Uh... ''[slurps the noodle and presses the bowls to his chest like he has pecs]'' :''[The Five, except Tigress, snicker]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[annoyed]'' You think this is funny?! Tai Lung has escaped from prison, and you're acting like children! :'''Po''': What? :'''Shifu''': He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! ''[to Po]'' And you are the ''only'' one who can stop him! :'''Po''': ''[as the bowls fall to the floor, then laughs]'' And here I am saying you got no sense of humor! ''[Shifu looks at him deadly serious]'' I'm gonna...stop Tai Lung. ''[realizing]'' What, you're serious, and I have to...? Uh, Master Oogway will stop him. He did it before, he'll do it again. :'''Shifu''': Oogway cannot! ''[his face softens and he stares sadly at his master's staff]'' Not anymore. ''[the Five gasp in shock, realizing Oogway is gone]'' Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior. :'''Tigress''': The panda? :'''Shifu''': Yes, the panda! :'''Tigress''': Master, please! ''[pushes her chair out]'' Let us stop Tai Lung. This is what you've trained us for! :'''Shifu''': No! It is not ''your'' destiny to defeat Tai Lung, it is ''his! [points at Po, but finds him gone]'' Where'd he go?! ''[Po is seen running away, screaming in panic, realizing he has to fight Tai Lung; stops him from leaving when he reaches the stairs]'' You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits! :'''Po''': Watch me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away]'' Come on! How am I supposed to defeat Tai Lung? I can't even beat you to the stairs. :'''Shifu''': You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior! ''[pokes Po in the stomach]'' :'''Po''': Ow! You don't believe that! ''[Shifu swings his arm around]'' You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you've been trying to get rid of me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but gets pushed away again]'' :'''Shifu''': Yes, I was! But now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine. :'''Po''': You're not my master. ''[shoves the staff away from his face]'' And I'm not the Dragon Warrior. :'''Shifu''': Then why didn't you quit?! You knew I was trying to get rid of you, yet you stayed. :'''Po''': Yeah, I stayed. ''[stands up]'' I stayed because every time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled. It hurt, but it could never hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me. ''[Pauses. Shifu is in a stunned silence]'' I stayed because I thought if anyone could change me... could make me... not me, it was you, the greatest kung fu teacher in all of China! :'''Shifu''': But I ''can'' change you! I ''can'' turn you into the Dragon Warrior, and I will! :'''Po''': Oh, come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now, and even if it takes him 100 years to get here, how are ''you'' gonna change ''this'' into the Dragon Warrior?! Huh? ''[Shifu is speechless]'' How?! How?! '''''HOW?!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[snaps and yells in frustration]'' '''I don't know!''' ''[calms down a bit, then he sighs deeply, realizing what he means]'' I don't know. :'''Po''': ''[sadness]'' That's what I thought. :''[From up on the rooftop of the Jade Palace, Tigress watches everything. Then she leaps from the palace, jumps on the trees, the rocks, and lands on the ground]'' :'''Tigress''': ''[to herself while looking back]'' This is what you trained me for. ''[runs off to stop Tai Lung]'' :''[The rest of the Five followed her]'' :'''Viper''': Tigress! :'''Tigress''': Don't try and stop me! :'''Viper''': We're not trying to stop you! :'''Tigress''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Viper''': We're coming with you! :''[Tigress looks at Monkey, who give her a thumbs up. She smiles as they continue to journey through the valley]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Next morning, Shifu is by himself and hears Po making karate sounds. He goes inside, looking for Po and happens to see him in the kitchen, having just punched through a wood cupboard and is currently eating its contents. Po sees Shifu and stops. Shifu look around the kitchen, where shelves are broken, cupboards have holes in them, and Po's still got food in his hands]'' :'''Po''': ''[with his mouth full]'' What? ''[annoyed]'' I eat when I'm upset, okay? :'''Shifu''': Oh, no need to explain. ''[start to turn away, then turn back]'' I just thought you might be Monkey, he hides his almond cookies on the top shelf. ''[pretends to walk off and instead leans against the wall beside the doorway, hearing a bit scuffling. When he looks in, Po is ten feet above the ground, doing a perfect split to keep himself airborne and currently shoveling Monkey’s almond cookies into his face. With a mixture of surprise and realization, he examines Po]'' :'''Po''': ''[sees Shifu with the cookies in his mouth]'' Don't tell Monkey. :'''Shifu''': ''[in astonishment]'' Look at you. :'''Po''': Yeah, I know, I disgust you. :'''Shifu''': No, no, I mean, how did you get up there? :'''Po''': ''[taking a few more cookies]'' I don't know. I just - I don't know. I was getting a cookie. :'''Shifu''': And yet, you are ten feet off the ground, and have done a perfect split. :'''Po''': No. This is just an... ''[the shelf trembles under his weight]'' ...accident. ''[the shelf breaks; falls to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[smiles, as a cookie rolls to him]'' There are no accidents. Come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': ''[to Po]'' Do you want to learn kung fu? :'''Po''': ''[amazed]'' Yeah! :'''Shifu''': Then I ''am'' your master! :'''Po''': ''[excited]'' Okay! ''[sniffs]'' :'''Shifu''': Don't cry. :'''Po''': ''[wiping his tears]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Furious Five are fighting Tai Lung on the long wooden bridge]'' :'''Tai Lung''': Where's the Dragon Warrior? :'''Tigress''': You're looking at her. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[chuckles]'' You think I'm a fool? I know you're not the Dragon Warrior. None of you! I heard how he fell out of the sky in a ball of fire, that he's a warrior unlike anything the world has ever seen. :'''Monkey''': ''[realization]'' Po? :'''Tai Lung''': So, that is his name. Po. ''[chuckles again]'' Finally, a worthy opponent! Our battle will be legendary! ''[raises his fist into the air]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crane''': ''[to Shifu; exhausted and out of breath from carrying the others back after their fight with Tai Lung]'' We were no match for his nerve attack. :'''Shifu''': He has gotten stronger. ''[presses some pressure points on Mantis' chest, reviving him]'' :'''Po''': Who? Tai Lung? Stronger? ''[gets punched in the face by Monkey after Shifu revives him]'' :'''Monkey''': He's too fast! Sorry, Po. :'''Tigress''': ''[as Shifu revives her; ashamed]'' I thought we could stop him. :'''Shifu''': He could have killed you. :'''Mantis''': Why didn't he? :'''Shifu''': ''[while reviving Viper]'' So you could come back here and strike fear into our hearts. But it ''won't'' work. :'''Po''': Uh...It might. I mean, a little. I'm pretty scared. :'''Shifu''': You can defeat him, panda! :'''Po''': Are you kidding? If they can't? They're five masters. I'm just one me. :'''Shifu''': But you will have the one thing that no one else does. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': Focus. :'''Po''': Oh, yeah, yeah. :'''Shifu''': Read it Po and fulfill your destiny. Read it and become the Dragon Warrior. :'''Po''': Whoa It's impossible to open. Okay Come on baby come on now. Thank you. I probably loosened it up for you though. Okay, here goes. ''[starts unrolling the scroll, and once he's finished, he scream in terror, startling the Five]'' It's blank. :'''Shifu''': What? :'''Po''': Here, look. :'''Shifu''': No, I forbid to look upon...! ''[stops himself; looks at the scroll]'' Blank. I don't...I don't understand. :'''Po''': Okay. So, like, Oogway was just a crazy old turtle, after all. :'''Shifu''': No. Oogway was wiser than us all. :'''Po''': Oh, come on! Face it, he picked me by accident. Of course I'm not the Dragon Warrior. ''[sits on the floor; disappointed]'' Who am I kidding? :'''Tigress''': But who will stop Tai Lung? :'''Crane''': He'll destroy everything and everyone. :'''Shifu''': No. Evacuate the valley. You must protect the villagers from Tai Lung's rage. :'''Tigress''': What about you, Master? :'''Shifu''': I will fight him. :'''Po''': ''[shocked]'' What? :'''Shifu''': I can hold him off long enough for everyone to escape. :'''Po''': But, Shifu, he'll kill you. :'''Shifu''': Then I will finally have paid for my mistake. Listen to me, all of you. It is time for you to continue your journey without me. I am ''very'' proud to have been your master. ''[salutes Po and The Five and they salute in return]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': Po, I'm going to tell you something I should've told you long ago. I'm about to tell you the secret ingredient of my Secret Ingredient Soup! Come here. The secret ingredient is...nothing! :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Mr. Ping''': You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient! :'''Po''': Wait, wait. It's just plain old noodle soup? You don't add some kind of special sauce or something? :'''Mr. Ping''': Don't have to. To make something special, you just have to believe it is special. :'''Po''': ''[finally understands the Dragon Scroll's secret]'' There is no secret ingredient. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shifu waits and closes his eyes. Thunder roars and lightning flashes as Shifu opens his eyes, seeing that Tai Lung is standing in front of him at the top of the stairs of the Palace]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I have come home, Master. :'''Shifu''': This is no longer your home, and I am no longer your master. :'''Tai Lung''': Yes. You have a new favorite. So where is this "Po"? ''[chuckles a bit]'' Did I scare him off? :'''Shifu''': This battle is between you and me. :'''Tai Lung''': So, this is how it's going to be. :'''Shifu''': That is how it must be. :''[Shifu and Tai Lung fight outside the palace before fighting inside the Hall of Warriors]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I rotted in jail for TWENTY YEARS because of your weakness! :'''Shifu''': ''[enraged]'' '''OBEYING YOUR MASTER IS NOT WEAKNESS!''' :'''Tai Lung''': You knew ''I'' was the Dragon Warrior! ''[flashback ensues; 20 years ago, in the exact same spot in the Hall of Warriors; Tai Lung awaits Shifu and Oogway's evaluation]'' You ''always'' knew. But when Oogway said otherwise... ''[Oogway turns to Shifu and shakes his head in refusal and walks away]'' What did you do? ''[Shifu is about to say something, but remains silent out of respect for his master]'' ''What did you do?!'' ''[return to the present; furious]'' '''NOTHING!''' :'''Shifu''': '''YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO BE THE DRAGON WARRIOR!''' '''''THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT!''''' :'''Tai Lung''': NOT YOUR '''FAULT?!''' ''[knocks down Master Flying Rhino's armor]'' Who filled my head with dreams?! ''[starts throwing weapons at Shifu, which he dodges]'' Who drove me to train until my bones cracked?! '''''WHO DENIED ME MY DESTINY?!''''' ''[launches a volley of blades at Shifu, who deflects all of them]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[driving last blade into the ground; enraged]'' '''''IT WAS NEVER MY DECISION TO MAKE!''''' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[growls and leaps to Oogway's shrine. He picks up the deceased master's staff, holding it out to Shifu]'' It is now. ''[Shifu charges Tai Lung; Tai Lung uses the curved end of Oogway's staff to pin him to the ground]'' Give...me...the scroll! :'''Shifu''': I would rather die! :'''Tai Lung''': ''[Tai Lung tries to kill Shifu with Oogway's staff. Shifu pushes against it, and the staff breaks it. They fight, until Tai Lung eventually gains the upper hand with flaming blue paws that Shifu struggles to blocks]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[furiously pummelling Shifu]'' ALL I EVER DID, I DID TO MAKE YOU PROUD! TELL ME HOW ''PROUD'' YOU ARE, SHIFU! TELL ME! '''''TELL ME!!!''' [his final blow sends Shifu flying across the room. He lands in a heap at the foot of the stairs. He extinguishes the blue flames of his paws]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[tired, solemn, and sad]'' I...I have always been proud of you. From the first moment, I've been proud of you. And it was my pride that blinded me. I loved you too much to see what you were becoming...what I was turning you into. I'm...I'm sorry. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[taken aback for a moment, but angrily recovers and seizes Shifu by the throat]'' I don't want your apology! I want my scroll! ''[looks up at the ceiling and sees the Dragon Scroll is missing; shocked]'' What?! ''[enraged; Dragon scoll is gone] '''WHERE IS IT?!''' [furiously slams Shifu to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[trying his best to escape Tai Lung's grip around his neck]'' The Dragon Warrior has taken the scroll halfway across China by now. ''[coughs]'' You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! ''[Tai Lung draws his claws, ready to kill him]'' Never! ''[weakly]'' N-Never... :'''Po''': ''[off-screen] '''HEY!''' [Tai Lung stops and turns. He sees him at the entrance, out of breath]'' Ugh, stairs. Ugh. Ugh. :'''Tai Lung''': Who are you? :'''Po''': ''[catching his breath]'' Buddy...I...am the Dragon Warrior. ''[gasps one last time to catch his breath]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[disbelievingly]'' You? ''[laughs; to Shifu]'' Him? He's a panda. ''[to Po]'' You're a ''panda''. [sarcastically]'' What are you gonna do, big guy? sit on me? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Po''': Don't tempt me. ''[laughs]'' Now I'm gonna use ''this.'' ''[holds up the Dragon Scroll and chuckles]'' You want it? Come and get it. :''[Tai Lung attacks Po with a punch and steals the Dragon Scroll from him]'' :'''Tai Lung''': Finally! ''[Po bounces off a wall and strikes him, and takes the Scroll back. He kicks Po into a building roof and a tree, the latter Po uses to smack him backwards onto another building. He then attacks Po with a round-house kick, sending him tumbling down a flight of stairs]'' That scroll is ''MINE!'' :''[Po and Tai Lung scuffle for the scroll as they bounce down the stairs and exchange blows at each other. In slow-motion, Po sits on Tai Lung's head, then in regular speed, he is sent crashing through the roof of the gate entrance to the Jade Palace and landing on a pan full of noodles, covering him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tai Lung''': Finally! Oh, yes. The power of the Dragon Scroll...is ''mine! [opens the Dragon Scroll, but finds only nothing but the golden reflection]'' It's nothing! :'''Po''': ''[getting up]'' It's okay. I didn't get it the first time, either. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Po''': There is no secret ingredient. ''[Tai Lung throws the Dragon Scroll to the ground in frustration]'' It's just you. ''[looks down at the golden reflection and smiles]'' :''[Tai Lung snarls in fury, realizing over all the work he did for nothing, and strikes his nerve attack at Po in the chest, making him fall to the ground, and starts laughing, feeling like he's being tickled]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long fight, Tai Lung is severely battered]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[weakly]'' You...''can't'' defeat me. ''[comes out panting in exhaustion, having suffered bent whiskers and a black eye; still refusing to give up]'' You... You're just a big...fat...panda! :'''Po''': ''[pinches Tai Lung's finger]'' I'm not a big fat panda. I'm ''the'' big fat panda. ''[lifts up his pinky finger]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[gasps in horror]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold! :'''Po''': Oh, you ''know'' this hold? :'''Tai Lung''': ''[to Po; last words]'' You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that. :'''Po''': Nope. I figured it out. ''[flexes his pinky finger]'' Skadoosh. :''[Tai Lung disappears in a rippling wave of light, being sent to the Spirit Realm]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; Po rushes up the stairs to the Jade Palace to check on Shifu, whom he finds unconscious]'' :'''Po''': Master! Shifu! Shifu, are you okay? :'''Shifu''': ''[coughs; weakly]'' Po, you're alive... ''[sadly]'' or we're both dead. :'''Po''': No, Master, I didn't die. I defeated Tai Lung. :'''Shifu''': You did? ''[Po nods yes]'' Wow. It is just as Oogway... foretold. You ''are'' the Dragon Warrior. ''[Po's smile disappears]'' You have brought peace...to this valley. And...and to me. Thank you. ''[sighs again]'' Thank you, Po. Thank you. Thank you. ''[lies down and closes his eyes, apparently to have died in Po's arms]'' :'''Po''': ''[looks disbelievingly at his master]'' No! Master! No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please-- :'''Shifu''': ''[opens his eyes in annoyance]'' I'm not dying, you idiot- ''[realizes]'' Uh, Dragon Warrior. ''[relaxes and folds his hands over his chest]'' I am simply at peace. Finally. :'''Po''': Ohhh. So, um, I should stop talking? :'''Shifu''': ''[smiling]'' If you can. :'''Po''': ''[lies down beside him, fidgeting; then speaks:]'' You want to get something to eat? :'''Shifu''': ''[wakes up]'' Yeah. == Taglines == * Prepare For Awesomeness. * Experience The Pandamonium In IMAX. * Summertime Is Pandatime. == Giant Panda == * Ranpha Franboise — Pepper Mildred Clark ==See also== * [[Kung Fu Panda 2]] * [[Kung Fu Panda 3]] * [[Kung Fu Panda 4]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=441773|title=Kung Fu Panda}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=kung_fu_panda|title=Kung Fu Panda}} {{Kung Fu Panda}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2008 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2008 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American animated feature films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Films directed by John Stevenson]] [[Category:Kung Fu Panda]] [[Category:Animated films set in China]] [[Category:Animated films about animals]] gayg8o4b7aam6g70vz3lf1e2oylpcz4 0 95273 3955069 3952572 2026-06-21T15:00:00Z Joe Jistu 3286541 3955069 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Madagascar Escape 2 Africa logo.png|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa|Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] American sequel to the [[w:2005 in film|2005]] film ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' about the continuing adventures of Alex the Lion, Gloria the Hippo, Marty the Zebra and Melman the Giraffe. Directed by [[w:Eric Darnell|Eric Darnell]] and [[w:Tom McGrath (animator)|Tom McGrath]] and written by [[w:Etan Cohen|Etan Cohen]]. It was distributed by [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Pictures]] streaming on [[w:Peacock (streaming service)|Peacock]], released on [[November 7]], [[2008]]. and released to theaters by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]]. The horses from Once Upon A Wintertime did this. {{center|'''Still Together, Still Lost!''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}} == Dialogue == [[File:Zebra Herd Michael makalundwa.jpg|thumb|Look at all the zebras, like me!]] [[File:African (Cape) Buffalo in front of Mt. Kilimanjaro, Amboseli National Park, Kenya (16819565008).jpg|thumb|I think it’s [[Africa]].]] :''[First lines during the DreamWorks Animation logo.]'' :'''Moon Boy''': ''[suddenly, Skipper slaps]'' '''''ACK!!''''' ''[the penguins pulls and starts attacking him off-screen]'' Hey! Ooh! AHH! '''AH!!''' ''[glacier glass breaking is heard] '''AAUUGGHH!!!''''' :''[The Penguins enters and grabs Moon Boy's fishing rod, catches a fish.]'' :'''Skipper''': Well done, boys. Looks like ice-cold sushi for breakfast. ''[They all give high-five, the film begins.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A long time ago in Africa during the 80's or 90's, a male adult lion king named Zuba was playing with his infant son Alakay (known as Alex), who is going to dance as Zuba tries to teach Alakay how to fight with a maraca that looks like a lion as a dummy.]'' :'''Zuba''': No, no, son. Over here. See the lion? Look at the lion and get the lion! ''[Sighs and grunts]'' Now, son, if you're gonna grow up and be like your daddy someday, you gotta learn how to fight. :'''Baby Alex''': Da-da. :'''Zuba''': ''[chuckles]'' Now, Alakay, let me show you something. OK? You see this mark? You and me are the same. When you're bigger, you'll wanna be an Alpha Lion, just like your daddy. Now let me see you fight. ''[Baby Alex growls]'' Ready? ''[But Baby Alex dances again]'' No, Alakay. No dancing! You just amuse yourself, don't you? You're a strange kid. You're a strange one. I'm... ''[Laughing as Baby Alex uses his hand move up and down of his faces]'' Now, come on, let's try it again. No, Alakay. Stop that-- Stop that right now. Doggone it! :''[Makunga encounters Zuba in a flashback]'' :'''Makunga''': It's so disappointing when they don't grow up the way you want. :'''Zuba''': ''[annoyed]'' Makunga! You're not challenging me again, are you? :'''Makunga''': Look on the bright side, Zuba. After I defeat you and take your place as Alpha Lion, you need to have so much more time to spend with your pathetic excuse of a son. :'''Zuba''': Before I kick your butt, let me ask you something: Why do you even want to become the Alpha Lion? :'''Makunga''': I'm better looking, I have better hair, I'm deceitfully smart... and I want everyone to do what I say. We'll fight on three. One... :'''Zuba''': Pay attention, Alakay. Daddy will show you how it's done. :'''Makunga''': ...two, three! ''[as the two lions fight, baby Alex chases after a butterfly, then sees a long rope and chases after it too]'' :'''Zuba''': ''[after the fight]'' Who's the Alpha Lion? :'''Makunga''': You are. :'''Zuba''': Don't you forget it. And that, Alakay, is how you attack... ''[sees his son missing]'' Alakay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the signs of "No Hunting", Baby Alex finally gets the rope as he sees some hunters]'' :'''Hunter #1''': That's it. Here, kitty, kitty. :'''Hunter #2''': ''[Using his gun cock, but decides to cease fire]'' Ah! This one's a beauty. He'll be worth a few bucks. :'''Hunter #1''': It just gets easier and easier. ''[Chuckles evilly]'' :''[The hunters put Baby Alex into a crate]'' :'''Baby Alex''': ''[Whimpering]'' Daddy!! :'''Zuba''': Alakay! Alakay!! '''ALAKAY!!!!!!''' :''[Zuba sees a crate and notices that Baby Alex is inside it]'' :'''Baby Alex''': Da-da! :'''Zuba''': No! No! No! Alakay! :''[Zuba ran on all fours chasing after the truck. He leaped on and tried to free his son.]'' :'''Baby Alex''': Daddy! :'''Zuba''': Alakay! Daddy's got you! Hold on! :''[When Zuba unleashes the ropes to free his son, the hunter shoots him by his ear, bleeding]'' :'''Baby Alex''': Da-da! ''[Whimpers]'' Ow! Ow! :''[And when the truck turns around the corner, the crate fell off the truck, and Baby Alex inside the crate fell for the first time. The crate fell into the river. Zuba gets up as he clutches his ear and then he continues chasing after the truck, thinking that Alakay is still on there.]'' :'''Zuba''': '''ALAKAY!!!!!!''' :'''Baby Alex''': Daddy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Will.I.Am "The Traveling Song" as the title card appears; open brakes the top of the crate when Baby Alex sees while holding a fish; take a snapshot off-screen of the newspaper; put on the rock and dancing, and the crowd applauds.]'' :'''Baby Marty''': ''[jealous]'' I don't like the looks of this guy. :'''Baby Gloria''' Well, I think he's kind of cute. :'''Baby Marty''' I think he's kind of a showoff. :'''Baby Melman''': Y-You think he's cute? ''[Coughs]'' :'''Kid''': WOW! :''[Baby Alex keeps dancing on the rock to the people and leaps!]'' :'''All''': Whoa!!! :''[And when Baby Alex prepares a land, many years later, he became all grown up and becomes a super big star!]'' :'''Alex''': '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :''[Crowd cheers wildly as they hold up]'' :'''Announcer''': The King of New York City... Alex the Lion! :'''Marty''': Woo-hoo! I ''still'' think he's kind of a showoff. :'''Melman''': You gotta give it to him. The guy's an animal. :'''Marty''': Maybe he should take a break. You know, we could all use a vacation. :'''Gloria''': Come on, where on Earth would we go on vacation? :'''Marty''': I don't know about you, but I want to go to Connecticut. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene changes to the news events of the incident in grand central station from [[Madagascar (2005 film)|first film]]]'' :'''News Anchor Woman #1''': On the loose, several animals including the world famous Alex the Lion the king of New York, escaped from the Central Park Zoo tonight. The escapees were finally cornered in Grand Central Station. :''[Nana was being interviewed by the public.]'' :'''Nana''': He was a very bad kitty. :''[The scene shows of taking the escaped animals from the crates on the freighter of going to Kenya before the Penguins infiltrate it of going to Antarctica, with it being a deleted scene of where the they put the escaped animals on the boat being seen.]'' :'''News Anchor Woman #2''': Animal rights activists, who convinced zoo officials to have the escaped animals sent to Africa, were stunned to learn that the shipping freighter carrying the animals was reported missing today. :''[The scene shows some New Yorkers mourning the loss of Alex at nightfall.]'' :'''News Anchor Man''': Tonight, hundreds of New Yorkers have gathered at the Central Park Zoo to mourn the loss of their beloved zoo animals. The question on everyone's mind-- where are they now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[And in the meantime back at the present day in Madagascar, Alex and his gang are dancing to the beat from the elevator of preparing a blast off to their home of New York by an Airplane of Air Penguin]'' :'''Alex''': I like to move it, move it :'''Gloria''': He likes to move it, move it :'''Marty''': She likes to move it, move it :'''Melman''': We like to :'''Lemur Crowd''': Move it! :'''Marty''': Come on! Y'all know this one! It never gets stale! :'''Melman''': We like to :'''Lemur Crowd''': Move it! :'''Alex''': We'll miss you little fuzz buckets! You've been a great crowd! :'''Melman''': Glad we could introduce you to the toilet. :'''Alex''': If you ever come look us up in Manhattan, feel free to call first. ''[watches as what two lemurs are doing]'' Seriously though, call. OK? :'''Maurice''': Settle down, everybody. Shh! Be quiet! ''[as everyone quiets down, Maurice comes with a cake]'' You can't leave without this! :''[King Julien pops out of the cake, King Julien Moves It is being played in the background]'' :'''King Julien''': Hey! Surprise, freaks! Shake it! Shake it. ''[Laughing]'' Look, I'm a lady! I'm a lady, everyone! I'm a lady! Not really! It's me, King Julien! Which of you is attracted to me? Hands up! ''[Laughing]'' Yes! Hey, freaks! You will be very glad to hear that I am coming with you. :'''Alex''': ''[Chuckles]'' Oh, no, thank you. :'''King Julien''': Yes, thank you. It's my plane! Until I return with the spoils from the new country... ''[holds Stevie the Gecko in his hand]'' Stevie will be in charge! :''[The crowd didn't say anything]'' :'''Maurice''': I don't think they like that idea so much, Julien. :'''King Julien''': What is that you saying, Stevie? No. ''[Gasps]'' Could we? No, you didn't say that! How is that even possible? Naughty little thing! Stevie says... ''[gibberish language of what is Stevie saying]'' [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Let_them_eat_cake Let them eat cake!] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mort''': King Julien, wait for me! I'm all packed! I have a whole itinerary planned! :'''King Julien''': Oh, no! It's Mort! He's so annoying! Don't let him on. Stop that thing! He's carrying scissors and hand cream! Everybody in! Quickly, get in, get in! Get in quick! :'''Skipper''': Struts. :'''Kowalski''': ''[flicks the levers]'' Check. :'''Skipper''': Flaps. :'''Kowalski''': ''[taps on the flaps control]'' Check. :'''Skipper''': Engine. :'''Kowalski''': ''[turns a knob]'' Check. :'''Skipper''': Coffee maker. :'''Kowalski''': ''[turns on the coffee maker]'' Check. :'''Skipper''': That's got to be the second biggest slingshot I've ever seen. But it's gonna have to do. ''[on the intercom]'' Attention. This is your captain speaking. :''[Private is giving a safety demonstration to the passengers]'' :'''Private''': ''[shows life vest]'' In the event of a water emergency, place the vest over your head, and kiss your... ''[pulls on the red tab, causing the vest to inflate and explode]'' ...goodbye. :'''Gloria''': New York City, here we come, baby! :'''Skipper''': ...sit back, relax, pray to your personal god this hunk of junk flies. :'''Alex''': Personal god. Hunk of what? :'''Kowalski''': We are go, sir. :'''Mort''': Open the door! I'm outside! ''[screams]'' :'''Private''': In case of a loss in cabin pressure, place the mask over your face... ''[places oxygen mask over his face, muffling his voice]'' ...To hide your terrified expression from the other passengers. :'''Marty''': ''[showing his detached seatbelt]'' Excuse me, miss, aren't these supposed to be attached to my seat? :'''Private''': ''[removes the mask]'' No, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': OK, boys, launch! :'''Rico''': Hai. :'''Lemur #1''': Launch! :'''Lemur #2''': Launch! :'''Lemur #3''': Launch! :''[All lemurs release the guillotine while the gang is screaming and the plane begins to fly to New York as the lemurs celebrate. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nightmare%20at%2020,000%20Feet And when the scene now goes to thunder, Alex sees a scary animal that is messing with the wires on the plane]]'' :'''Alex''': AAHH!! Gremlin! :''[After the plane was out of the cloudy skies, it turns out that Alex had a dream, and it turned out that it was just Mort]'' :'''Alex''': ''[Sighs]'' Hey, Mort. :'''Mort''': Hi! ''[Screams]'' :''[Alex looks to see where Mort went]'' :'''Alex''': ''[Whispering]'' That was weird. :'''Marty''': Hey, somebody's dreaming, huh. :'''Alex''': I think I just saw Mort on the wing of the plane. :'''Melman''': You got Madagascar on the brain. :''[Alex, Marty, and Gloria all talk at once]'' :'''Gloria''': I know I'm gonna miss it. :'''Alex''': It was incredible. Yeah, I think it'll seem more fun the further we are from it. :'''Marty''': Like when you bit me on the butt? :''[Gloria laughs]'' :'''Alex''': I'm gonna take that thing you're holding onto and use it onstage. :'''Marty''': Oh, really? :'''Alex''': It's all part of my little actor's salad bar of emotional tidbits. :'''Marty''': Are the butts next to the croutons at the salad bar? :''[All laughing]'' :'''Alex''': You don't need to be sarcastic, Marty. :'''Gloria''': Hey guys, you know. I was thinking. When we get back, I might sign up for the breeding program. :'''Melman''': Breeding program? :'''Gloria''': I think we each reach a point in our lives when we want to meet somebody. You know? Settle down, have a relationship. :'''Marty''': I can see that. :'''Melman''': What? ''[clears throat]'' Like dating? :'''Gloria''': Yeah, dating. :'''Melman''': Oth-Other... oth-other guys? :'''Gloria''': What do you mean, other guys? :'''Melman''': Darn it! I'm gonna...What is holding up that beverage service?! I'm gonna go check. :'''Gloria''': ''[yawns as she is going to sleep]'' You all keep talking. I'm gonna catch a few winks. :'''Julien''': You see that? It's so funny! Oh, I like laughing! It's such a nice experience! To laugh! :'''Melman''': Wow! :'''Julien''': Whoa! Sorry. Do you mind going back? This is first class. It's nothing personal. We're just better than you. Hey Maurice, I'm open! Hit me! :'''Maurice''': He shoots, he scores! :'''Melman''': Is that Vivaldi? :'''Julien''': Hey, in-flight slave. :'''Private''': Can I help you, Mr. Mankiewicz? :'''Julien''': Bring me my nuts on a silver platter. :'''Melman''': We just wanted to check in on the drinks we ordered. :'''Private''': Oh, sorry. Been a little backed up. :'''Melman''': I guess I'll go back.. :'''Julien''': Hey, what happened to your body? You're freaking me out! Can you please go over there, please? Thank you very much. What ever happened to the separation of the classes? :'''Maurice''': Ah, I'm sure this democracy thing is just a fad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the meantime at the cockpit, a red light flashes as a buzz of warning for something wrong on the plane.]'' :'''Skipper''': We'll go out for pineapple, my bobbly-headed boobily-boo. :''[the red bulb on the plane's fuel gauge is flashing]'' :'''Kowalski''': Skipper, look. :'''Skipper''': Analysis. :'''Kowalski''': It looks like a small incandescent bulb, designed to indicate something out of the ordinary, like a malfunction. :'''Skipper''': I find it pretty and somewhat hypnotic. :'''Kowalski''': That too, sir. :'''Skipper''': Right. Rico, manual! ''[catches the manual and promptly smashes the bulb with it]'' Problemo solved. :'''Kowalski''': Sir, we may be out of fuel. :'''Skipper''': What makes you think that? :'''Kowalski''': We've lost engine one. ''[out the left window, engine #1 sputters out]'' And engine two is no longer on fire. ''[out the right window, engine #2 stops smoking and sputters]'' :'''Skipper''': Buckle up, boys. ''[covers "Doll's" eyes]'' Don't look, doll, this might get hairy. ''[on the intercom]'' Attention. This is your captain speaking. I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we'll be landing immediately. Bad news is... we're crash landing. ''[the plane falls out of the sky; all, except the sleeping Gloria, and the chimps; Mason and Phil, start screaming]'' When it comes to air travel, we know you have no choice whatsoever. But thanks again for choosing Air Penguin. :'''King Julien''': ''[laughing]'' Raise your arms, Maurice! It's more fun when you raise arms like this! ''[everything in first class, including Julien and Maurice get sucked out of the plane; deploys a parachute]'' I can fly! :'''Alex''': This could be it, Marty! I just want you to know you are truly a one-in-a million friend! :'''Marty''': Thanks, buddy! You're the best ever! :'''Alex''': I know you won't mind when I tell you! :'''Marty''': Come on! Tell me anything! Tell me what?! :'''Alex''': I broke your iPod! :'''Marty''': '''''WHAT?!?''''' :'''Alex''': The buttons were so small! It made me mad! :'''Marty''': Oh, no! The horror!!! :'''Alex''': I'm sorry! :'''Marty''': I'm gonna kill you, butt-bitter!! Butt-bitter!! Butt-bitter!! :'''Alex''': It was an accident! An accident! I'm sorry! I'll get you a new one! :'''Melman''': I love you, Gloria! I always have! ''[Gloria is snoring, Alex, Marty, Mason, and Phil glare at Melman quizzically]'' Like... ''[sighs]'' Like you love the beach. ''[stammering]'' Or a good book. Or the beach. :'''Skipper''': My goodness, Doll, you're shaking like a leaf. Rico! You've had your fun. Pull up. ''[Rico pulls up]'' Gear down. ''[Kowalski pulls a lever that deploys the landing gear]'' Gently now. You just want to kiss the ground. Just a little peck. A smooch. Like you're kissing your sister. ''[the landing gear breaks]'' I said kiss it!!! ''[the wings, engines, and the hull of the plane break off]'' Now just a little brake. Just a touch. A little whisper. :'''Mason''': ''[while playing chess with Phil]'' I believe that's checkmate. :''[Alex, Marty and Melman scream]'' :'''Skipper''': Commence emergency landing procedure! Flaps up! Deploy! :''[Kowalski and Rico deploy the parachutes that make the plane land gently]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plane lands slowly and touches the ground softly as the parachutes come down]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh, we're here. ''[confused]'' What in the world? What happened to the plane? What did y'all do to the plane? :'''Melman''': ''[muffled]'' Is this thing ever working? :'''Marty''': I'm OK. I'm alive. :'''Melman''': ''[muffled]'' Hey, guys? :'''Gloria''': I can't even sleep for a minute. You know what? This is not JFK. I don't think. :'''Alex''': Wow. :'''Skipper''': ''[as Alex watches]'' Kowalski, casualty report. :'''Kowalski''': Two passengers unaccounted for, Skipper. :'''Skipper''': That's a number I can live with. Good landing, boys! Who says a penguin can't fly? ''[All give a High-5!]'' :''[Alex watches Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private giving High 5's]'' :'''Alex''': ''[as he walks up close]'' Hey, happy slappers! Is there some reason to celebrate? Look at the plane! :'''Skipper''': We'll fix it. :'''Alex''': Fix it? How are you gonna fix this? :'''Skipper''': Grit, spit and a whole lot of duct tape. We should be up and running in, say, six to nine months. :'''Alex''': Sixty-nine months?! :'''Skipper''': No, six '''to''' nine months. Kowalski, I say we use this setback to our advantage. :'''Alex''': Where'd you get that number? :'''Skipper''': I want you to reconfigure the design. :'''Alex''': How do you estimate that? :'''Skipper''': You! Pretty boy! Why don't you and your friends dig a latrine? Maybe find water. :'''Alex''': Hold on a second. Who made you king of the plane wreck? :'''Skipper''': Excuse me? ''[Rico pulls out a pocket knife]'' Fine. You can be in charge. You fix the plane. :'''Alex''': Who gives you the authority to put me in charge? :'''Skipper''': OK, then I'll remain in charge. :''[Rico puts away the pocket knife]'' :'''Alex''': Yeah. That's right. You will remain in charge. :'''Skipper''': You and your hippie friends stay out of our hair. :'''Alex''': Correcto-mundo. Because I decided to. :'''Skipper''': Good for you. :'''Alex''': Well, guess what? This discussion isn't over. ''[He leaves]'' :'''Skipper''': Higher mammals! ''[Mason and Phil are still playing chess after the plane had crashed in Africa]'' You stay with us. We could use your front cortexes and opposable thumbs. :'''Mason''': Phil! I should wash your hands out with soap. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gloria''': How in the hello are they gonna fix this plane?! :'''Alex''': You know, grit and spit and spit. A lot of spit and grit and stick-to-it-iveness. :'''Marty''': That don't sound too promising. :'''Alex''': You're right. We're stuck here. :'''Marty''': Hey, guys, as long as we're together, we'll be OK. :'''Alex''': Yeah. Yeah. But love ain't gonna get us home, guys. :''[The Tour Guide, who is wearing soft khaki pants, A Bill Winter long sleeve shirt, black socks and light brown shoes, pulls up in a jeep with pauristssengers.]'' :'''Tour Guide''': Behold! The lion! :'''Alex''': Hey, it's People! :'''Tour Guide''': There is much to see. Moving on. :'''Alex''': Wait! People! :'''Gloria''': Wait, wait, wait! People! :'''Marty''': Stop! Wait! People! Hey! :'''Melman''': They'll help us! :'''Alex''': Hey! Wait up! :'''Marty''': People! Stop! :'''Gloria''': Help us! :'''Alex''': Hey, wait! If you stop, I'll autograph those! :'''Nana''': I know you! :'''Alex''': You. :'''Nana''': It's the bad kitty! :''[Nana uses her handbag to attack Alex as he throws her out of the jeep!]'' :'''Alex''': Give me that! :''[Alex karate yells and punches Nana]'' :'''Alex''': How do you like some of that?! :''[Nana punches Alex as Alex still fights Nana. And for a big hit, Alex spits his tooth, while Nana spits her chattering teeth.]'' :'''Nana''': Ho, ho! Uno, dos, tres!! :''[Nana uses a log to attack, but Alex deflects it and uses a rock.]'' :'''Alex''': Ah-ha ha! :'''Nana''': Come in, Tokyo! :''[Nana uses a pinch on Alex as a rock drops on his head]'' :'''Alex''': Yeow! Owww!! :''[And Nana kicks Alex's butt, harassing Alex, and the people are cheering]'' :'''Marty''': Right in the batteries! :'''Nana''': You think an old lady can't take care of herself? ''[Puts her chattering teeth in her mouth]'' Next time, I won't go so easy on you! Thank you, dear. :'''Tour Guide''': Moving on! :'''Gloria''': ''[Not realizing that the old lady was the one who harassed Alex at Grand Central Station]'' Are you out of your mind?! We need their help, and you're harassing little old ladies!? :'''Alex''': Out of my mind? Who's out of my mind now? :'''Marty''': See if you can get an operator. :'''Alex''': No problem. Out of my mind. We're going home. :'''Phone voice''': The service user has brought outside of the coverange area. Please try again later. <hr width="50%"/> :''[looking out over the African plain]'' :'''Melman''': Oh my... Whoa. :'''Gloria''': Am I trippin'? :'''Marty''': Look at all the zebras, like me! Wait a minute, where are we? :'''Melman''': San Diego. This time I'm 40% sure. :'''Alex''': I know this place. :'''Marty''': I think it's Africa. :'''Melman''': Africa? :'''Marty''': It's gotta be. Our ancestral crib! It's in our blood, I can feel it! :'''Alex''': No, no. It's more than that. It's like, [[Deja Vu|deja vu]], like I've...like I've been here before. :'''Marty''': It's like Roots! :'''Alex''': ''[dazed]'' No, no. It's like, deja vu, like I've... like I've been here before. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': How! How! Me Alex! Me and me friends fly, fly in great metal bird. Then plummet! Smash ground! Go boom! Then here we emerge. We offer only happiness and good greetings. :'''Hippo''': Is he mentioning something about a plane crash? :'''Alex''': Yeah. We just... yeah. I thought... Sorry. :'''Stephen''': You mean you came from off the reserve? :'''Alex''': Yeah, way off. From the Central Park Zoo, actually. :''[A loud roar caused the zoo animals to turn. It came from a male lion named Zuba. He coughed as he cleared his throat.]'' :'''Florrie''': Don't strain yourself. :'''Zuba''': What's going on here? What's all this hubbub? :'''Elephant''': They say they're from off the reserve. :'''Zuba''': That's impossible. Only people come from off the reserve. :'''Alex''': You look familiar. Do I know you? :'''Zuba''': How could you possibly survive the hunters? :'''Gloria''': Hunters? We didn't see any hunters. :'''Zuba''': What are you looking at?! :'''Alex''': Me? Nothing. :'''Zuba''': This watering hole doesn't need any more mouths to feed. So skedaddle back to wherever you came from. :'''Alex''': Okay. Well, Is there a manager we could talk to? :'''Zuba''': Oh, I see. You're here to challenge me! :'''Alex''': What? No! No. :'''Zuba''': Well, that's what it looks like to me! :'''Florrie''': Zuba! Wait. :'''Zuba''': I'm trying to take care of business... :'''Florrie''': Yeah, yeah, Zuba. Hold on. Alakay? Is that you? :'''Alex''': No, it's Alex. lx. Like New York Knicks. :'''Florrie''': ''[Noticing the mark on Alex's paw]'' Zuba, look! :'''Alex''': Oh. I've always had that. The vet checked it out. It's kind of a beauty spot, really. :'''Zuba''': A mark. :'''Alex''': All right, this is a little weird. :'''Zuba''': Honey, he's come home. :'''Alex''': What? :'''Zuba''': You've come home. :'''Alex''': ''[realizes that he still has his mark since he was a cub]'' Whoa! :'''Zuba''': ''[realizing his son is still alive]'' Son. :'''Alex''': Dad. Mom and Dad? Mom and Dad! Mom and Dad! It's my mom and dad! I got a mom and dad! :'''Florrie''': Our baby's alive! :'''Marty''': ''[mistakes Alex's father on being his father too]'' Dad! :'''Zuba''': My son! My son is home! :''[All the animals are cheering]'' :'''Florrie''': Alakay! Alakay has come home! :'''Makunga''': Whoo!! Whoo! Alakay! Yeah! The prodigal son returns. This is perfect! :'''Teetsi''': ''[yawns]'' I thought you hated Zuba. :'''Makunga''': No, I do. I do. I do. I hate him. Oh, I do. And I'm going to use Alakay, yes. I'm going to use him to get rid of Zuba once and for all! :'''King Julien''': Giddy-up, feathered horse! Make way! :'''Maurice''': Make way! Move out of the way! Stand aside! :'''King Julien''': ''[Not realizing they are in Africa]'' New York! Hmm... It's a bit of a dump. Are you sure we're not in New Jersey? Hello, New Yorkers! Your new king is here! :'''Zuba''': This calls for a celebration! :'''King Julien''': Maurice, I think they like me. :'''Maurice''': You've got to love a non-hostile takeover! :'''Animals''': Ooh! Ahh!! Chukka-chukka ahh!! :'''Julien''': Chukka-chukka what?!?! :'''Animals''': Chukka-chukka ahh!! :'''Julien''': Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!! ''[laughing]'' :'''Marty''': Excuse me. I'm Marty. I'm kind of new around here. :'''Zebras''': Hey, Marty! :'''Marty''': You're a good-looking group! You like to run? :'''Zebras''': Yeah. Running is crack-a-lackin'. :'''Marty''': That's right! Crack-a-lackin'. You guys speak my crack-a-lackin' language. :''[cut to the giraffes]'' :'''Melman''': What? You don't have doctors here? :'''Stephen''': Not anymore. :'''Melman''': Well, what if you catch a cold? :'''Murray''': We go over to the dying holes and we die. :''[Melman sees a Giraffe coughing]'' :'''Melman''': Okay. You guys really need a doctor. :'''Stephen''': Hey. We have an opening. :'''Murray''': Would you be interested? :'''Melman''': Me? A doctor? :''[Cut to the hippopotamuses]'' :'''Gloria''': It's raining men. Hallelujah! You all got it going on. :'''Hippo''': Why don't you have a man? You got worms? :'''Gloria''': Oh, I got rid of those. Listen, girls. Manhattan is short on two things, parking and hippos. :''[Cut to the lions and lionesses]'' :'''Zuba''': Hey, everybody! I just found out that my son here is a doggone king! The King of New York Show me some of your moves, son. Come on. Don't be bashful. :'''Alex''': ''[confidently]'' All right. This one always knocks 'em dead. ''[does his zoo act]'' '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :'''Zuba''': Look out. The King is mad. The King is mad! Now let's welcome him back into the pride with open arms! :''[cut back to the Zebras]'' :'''Zebras''': Welcome to the herd, Marty! :'''Marty''': Me? I've always wanted to be part of a herd!- It's one for all... :'''Zebras''': And all for all, y'all! :'''Maurice''': All right! :''[cut back to the Giraffes]'' :'''Melman''': How do I look? :'''Stephen''': Technically, a traditional witch doctor has a bone through his nose. :'''Melman''': Huh? :'''Murray''': Don't worry, it's just a clip-on. :'''Stephen''': Voilà! He's a witch doctor! :'''Melman''': My mother will be so happy. :''[cut back to the Hippos]'' :'''Girl Hippo''': Look out! I think Moto Moto likes you. :'''Girl Hippo #2''': Here he comes. :'''Moto Moto''': Goodness, girl, you huge. :'''Gloria''': Who's your friend? Or is that your butt? :'''Moto Moto''': Girl, you as quick as you are hefty. :'''Gloria''': So you're Moto Moto? :'''Moto Moto''': The name's so nice, you say it twice. :'''Gloria''': I kind of like it, fatso. :'''Moto Moto''': I'll see you around, girl. It won't be hard, because you so... plumpy. :''[Alex was still having his crowd surf until he landed on the ground with his back]'' :'''Alex''': Oof! :'''Makunga''': Oops! ''[chuckles]'' Um... I hate to be a party pooper, Zuba, but some of the other lions were wondering when you plan to banish your son. :'''Zuba''': What are you talking about Makunga? :'''Makunga''': It's nothing, really. They're griping that Alakay never went through the rite of passage, blah, blah, blah, so technically speaking, he can't be a member of the pride. It's nonsense. :'''Zuba''': I had forgot about the rite of passage. :'''Alex''': What is it? What's this rite of passage? :'''Zuba''': It's a traditional coming-of-age ceremony where young lions earn their manes by demonstrating their skills. :'''Alex''': Sort of a show-of-skill talent show deal? :'''Zuba''': Yeah. Strutting their stuff. :'''Alex''': Great! A performance! I think that's up my alley, guys. If it's tradition, I want to do it. Strut my stuff. Earn my mane. I want to be Alakai. :'''Florrie''': Alakay. :'''Alex''': Alakay! Even better. :'''Zuba''': We will hold the rite of passage in the morning! :'''Makunga''': That's wonderful! Good luck, Alakay. :'''Alex''': Where I'm from, we say, "Break a leg." :'''Zuba''': That's my boy! :'''King Julien''': ''[singing]'' Cause I'm a private dancer. A dancer for money. Any old music will do-- ''[passes out]'' :'''Gloria''': Beautiful, isn't it? :'''Melman''': Yeah. :'''Marty''': It's amazing. :'''Alex''': Guys, this is where we belong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Penguins are seeing the safari jeep coming towards them.]'' :'''Skipper''': Operation Tourist Trap is a go. :'''Private''': Oh, I like that one. That’s a good one. :'''Kowalski''': It works on many levels, sir. :'''Skipper''': You guys are a bunch of suck-ups. :'''Kowalski''': That, too, sir. :'''Private''': Absolutely. :'''Rico''': Hai. :'''Skipper''': Stations. Stage one. Go! :''[Private runs to a red X on the ground and waddles in place. The tour jeep hits him, and he lands on the dirt. He then squirts ketchup on his stomach while cracking an egg on his head and placing a fake bone by his stomach, and then he sticks his tongue out to make it look like he is dead. The people that were in the tour jeep get out to check what happened]'' :'''Tour Guide''': Oh, no! What have I done? :'''Skipper''': Come on, take the bait. :'''Tour Guide''': Is it dead? :'''Skipper''': Stage two! Go, go, go! :''[Skipper, Kowalski and Rico uses a seesaw catapult to get into the jeep with wood and rock and opens the front hood.]'' :'''Tour Guide''': I will give him the kiss of life. :'''Skipper''': Rico! ''[Rico tries to start the jeep]'' Rico! ''[The tour guide kisses Private, who inflates and flies into the tour jeep and slams the trunk shut, getting in.]'' Reverse! Gas! Music! :''["[[w:More Than a Feeling|More Than a Feeling]]" by Boston plays, and the Penguins start driving the jeep away from the tourists.]'' :'''Tour Guide''': No! Stop! Stop! Stop! Come back! :''[The Penguins give high-five, when...]'' :'''Nana''': ''[offscreen]'' What is all this rock'n'roll racket?! :''[Nana pops out from the backseat and angrily glares at the penguins. The penguins throw Nana out of the windshield. It stops.]'' :'''Private''': Is she dead? :''[Nana gets up.]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[sternly]'' No. :''[The Penguins drives forward and hits Nana, then they drive away backwards.]'' :'''Nana''': ''[gets up and straightens her head, calls out]'' You hoodlums! ''[She picks up her glasses]'' :'''Tour Guide''': Good heavens! Are you OK? :'''Man #2''': Lady, I found your pocketbook. ''[gives the purse to Nana]'' :'''Nana''': My handbag. Such a good boy. Nana can't survive without it. :'''Cameraman''': Wow. You are one tough cookie. :'''Nana''': Brownies Troop 416, Yonkers. :'''Tour Guide''': OK, nobody panic! The best thing we can do is stay together. We'll wait for another tour jeep. It may take hours, it's getting dark but... :'''Cameraman''': Where are you going? :'''Nana''': I'm not staying here to be attacked by more animals. I'm too old to die. :'''Cameraman''': I don't know about you guys but I'm going with her. Old lady, wait up! :'''Tour Guide''': Please! We need to stay.....together. Fine! We'll go that way! :'''Nana''': Does anyone want a hard candy? :'''All''': Ooh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back with Alex and his parents]'' :'''Florrie''': Easy now. :'''Zuba''': Watch your step. And right here... OK, are you ready? This is where you always slept. :'''Alex''': Oh, man! Wow. Was this mine? :'''Zuba''': Look at you. Look at him. :'''Alex''': Oh, this thing. Look, look! I remember this! :'''Zuba''': He remembers. :'''Alex''': A little harder than... :'''Zuba''': You never slept on the right end. You always slept on the bottom end. :'''Alex''': Is that? Is that my? Is that me? :'''Florrie''': You had the cutest little paws. :'''Zuba''': Little, little bitty ol' paws. :'''Florrie''': You did that the day we lost you. :'''Alex''': Wow. I was so young. What happened to me? :'''Zuba''': It was all my fault. I turned my back a minute and... :'''Florrie''': It was not your fault. Your father did everything he could. He tracked those hunters for weeks. Far off the reserve. :'''Zuba''': Finally, I had to assume the hunters....well... :'''Florrie''': We thought they'd killed you. :'''Zuba''': But my son fought them off! Don't mess with the King of New York! :'''Alex''': That's right! :'''Zuba''': Keep your chin in. :'''Florrie''': Alright. You boys be careful! Now watch out before you break something. You used to call this "foofie." :'''Alex''': "Foofie"? Foofie. :'''Zuba''': He doesn't want that. :''[Zuba grabs the Foofie away from Alex]'' :'''Alex''': This is my foofie! :'''Florrie''': Zuba, you better give him his foofie. :'''Alex''': I mean, no, thank you, thank you. It's perfect. :'''Zuba''': Son, you get your rest. You have a big day tomorrow. You're gonna need all your strength. :'''Alex''': I will bring the house down for you, Dad. :'''Florrie''': I hope so. Otherwise, your father will have to banish you. :'''Alex''': Jeez, Mom, really? :'''Zuba''': I know you'll do us proud. You know why? You were born with it. Good night, Alakay. My boy. My own boy. My son's a king. My son's a king. :'''Alex''': Good night, Mom. :'''Florrie''': Good night, Alakay. :'''Alex''': Foofie. Look at foofie! My foofie! Foofie, foofie, foofie. My foofie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[From the jungle, the humans are getting lost and were tired.]'' :'''Cameraman''': No sign of civilization. Everybody appears very tired. I think we're lost. Hey Nana, do you know where you're going? :'''Nana''': No, but I'm going with a skip in my step and a smile on my face. :'''Cameraman''': Sure, right, OK. Yeah, all right. :''[A rustle in the bushes caused them to stop and look. Some more people came out from the opposite direction.]'' :'''Man''': Oh, It's people. :'''Man''': Where did you come from? :'''Woman''': How did you get out here? :'''Man #2''': How did you get here? :'''Cameraman''': Can you help us? We're lost. :'''Man''': We're lost too. :'''Woman''': It was awful. A flash of black and white and they were gone. They took the jeep! :'''Man''': That happened to our jeep too! :'''Man #3''': What do we do? :'''Man #4''': How will we all survive? :'''Cameraman''': We got nothing. No food, no water, no shelter. What are we gonna do?! :'''Nana''': ''[whistles]'' You can let nature get the best of you, or you can get the best of nature. Gather 'round, children. We're New Yorkers, right? :'''All''': Yeah. :'''Nana''': We survive the concrete jungle! When we need food, we hunt for a decent hot dog stand. Am I right? :'''Man''': She's right. :'''Nana''': When we need shelter, we build skyscrapers. :'''Man''': Exactly! :'''Nana''': When we need water, we build a dam. :'''Man''': Come on, We're New Yorkers, for crying out loud! :'''Nana''': If we can make it there, we can make it anywhere! :'''Mort''': I'm coming, King Julien! ''[he starts to sing before he gets attack by a shark and runs off]'' Bad fishy! Bad fishy! No, shark, no! Sit! Why am I laughing? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kowalski''': Skipper, we have all the parts we need. But, we're slightly behind schedule. :'''Skipper''': How slightly? :'''Kowalski''': Six to nine years. :'''Skipper''': Sixty-nine years? :'''Kowalski''': No, six '''to''' nine years. :'''Skipper''': ''[on the intercom]'' Private, what happened to our thumbs? :'''Private''': Haven't seen them since yesterday, sir. ''[drops his screwdriver]'' Darn you, Darwin! ''[the car's hood closes on him]'' :'''Skipper''': Nobody goes AWOL on my watch. Private! You're coming with me! ''[the inside of the front of the car explodes]'' Rico! You're coming with me! ''[Rico welds a car in half]'' We'll track them down and bring them in for court martial. :'''Mason''': That won't be necessary, we've recruited a few extra thumbs for you, Skipper. ''[camera pans to a whole lot of chimpanzees]'' :'''Skipper''': Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. :'''Mason''': Oh, I doubt that. ''[chimpanzees screeching]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[on the intercom]'' Enough lollygagging. Now let's get to work. We'll divide into three groups. Group Alpha, you're in charge of sheet metal fabrication. Group Bronson, you'll handle assembly. Group George Peppard, you'll handle craft services. Any questions? ''[Mason tries to say something]'' Good, now let's get to work. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': Alright so, little cub scouts, just remember great dance performance comes from the heart. Comes straight from the heart, you'll never go wrong. :'''Cub''': Sure, mister. :'''Makunga''': Hey, Alakay, I just happened to walk by, I thought I'd wish you luck you're not nervous, are you? :'''Alex''': Nah, it's my thing. You know It's kinda what I do. :'''Makunga''': In my opinion, the key to this whole thing is choosing the right competitor. :'''Alex''': Oh. You mean, this is like a dance battle sort of thing? Like a dance-off? :'''Makunga''': Uh... Sure. :'''Alex''': Great. I love that. Freestyle. Put your moves off. Who'd be a good match for me? You know just to keep things interesting. :'''Makunga''': Well, I wish I could help, but that's strictly against our ancient tradition and all that we hold sacred. But if it was me out there... I'd choose Teetsi. :'''Alex''': Teetsi. OK. Sounds interesting. Makunga, right? Thank you. :'''Makunga''': Anything for Zuba's boy. Go get 'em, tiger. :'''Alex''': Shake it out. A five, six, seven, eight. Let's go, let's do this. :'''Zuba''': Let us begin the rite of passage ceremony. :'''Florrie''': Come on, baby! Make Mama proud! :'''Zuba''': Woman, I'm trying to take... :'''Alex''': On it, Mom! :'''Zuba''': So who will be the first participant? :'''Alex''': Me! Oh! Me, me, me! Me! Me! Me! Me, me! Please, me? :'''Zuba''': How about you? The tall, handsome one. Yeah. Choose your opponent. :'''Alex''': Let me see. Hmm. Ah! I guess I'll pick... :''[Makunga looks left and right to see if anyone is watching him, then winks at Alex cunningly]'' :'''Alex''': Teetsi? :''[Everyone except Makunga gasps in shock]'' :'''Florrie''': ''[shocked]'' Teetsi? Why did he pick Teetsi? :'''Zuba''': Oh, that's my boy! He's got some gumption there! Somebody, wake him up! Wake him up. :''[A lion throws a rock on Teetsi's head as it's laying on a rock! Teetsi burst his eyes open and roars before proceeding to rise up, revealing his towering height and unseathing his claws. His muscles pop out starting from his legs, through his torso all the way up to his upper body and he lets out a ferocious roar.]'' :'''Alex''': All right, so, Teetsi, come on. Let's do this, huh? Come on, little tsetse fly. Let's see your stuff. Bring it. :'''Teetsi''': Let's dance! :'''Alex''': OK. But let me warn you that I am a protégé of....Fosse and Robbins! :'''Teetsi''': Not "dance" dance! Fight! :'''Alex''': Dance fight! You got it. :''[Alex starts dancing. Zuba and Florrie are confused.]'' :'''Florrie''': Is he dancing? :'''Zuba''': What is he doing? :'''Florrie''': I know that boy is not dancing. :'''Makunga''': ''[trying to hold his laugh]'' This is even better than I thought. :''[Alex still dancing as Teetsi roars and unleashes his claws!]'' :'''Zuba''': Alakay, turn around! :'''Alex''': No, Pop, it's hop, shuffle, ball change, hip swish, turn around. :''[Alex's pupils shrink in shock as he turns around to face Teetsi flying towards him with both fists extended. Teetsi slams Alex with such force that the whole savanna shakes and alarge fissure travels beyond the Lions' arena, cracking a small boulder and alerting a small herd of antelopes.]'' :'''Zuba''': Oh, no. :'''Florrie''': Alakay! Are you hurt? :'''Alex''': Oh. Yeah, I am. Did I, uh... did I win? :'''Zuba''': Oh no, son. How could, I mean... How could this happen? You told us you were a king. And a king does not get beat. :'''Alex''': Well, I am a king. I'm a... I'm the King of New York. It's... It's my stage name. I'm like, uh... you know, it's uh... for when I perform. :'''Zuba''': Perform? :'''Makunga''': '[showing no regrets for his own actions]'' Oh, no, this is horrible! Alakay has failed the test! Who would have ever imagined that today Zuba would have to banish... ''[inhales sharply]'' his own son? :'''Florrie''': Zuba, no. :'''Makunga''': Zuba, yes. Sadly, the Alpha Lion must cast out all failures. :'''Zuba''': ''[looks to his son and thinks about the consequences of banishing his son and decides to resign his title]'' Then I'm no longer the Alpha lion. ''[throws the staff]'' :'''Alex''': Dad, what are you doing? Dad, no! You can't do this. :'''Makunga''': Who could possibly take Zuba's place? Anyone? Someone? No one? :'''Random Lion''': Hey! :'''Makunga''': ''[Accidentally hits another lion]'' You, sir! I guess not. Well, I... This is all very awkward, but I suppose I could carry this tremendous burden. :'''Zuba''': Hmph. :'''Makunga''': Teetsi! Get the hat. :''[Teetsi picks up the fruit hat and walks to Alex]'' :'''Makunga''': As your new leader, I hereby banish Alakay! He shall wear this hat of shame, and leave the watering hole for a thousand years, or life! Whichever comes last. :''[Zuba glares at Makunga]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex and his parents have relocated to a barren land overrun by dik-dik antelope.]'' :'''Zuba''': ''[shooing the antelope]'' Come on! Shoo, shoo! Get out of here! ''[to Alex]'' You should have told us, son. You should have told us that you weren't a real king! :'''Alex''': You never told me I'd have to fight anybody! :'''Zuba''': What did you expect, son?! :'''Alex''': I don't know! Maybe a little fatherly advice like, "Hey, son, it's a fight!" :'''Zuba''': You're a lion aren't you? :'''Alex''': But I never fought another lion! :'''Zuba''': No, I guess not. You dance! :'''Alex''': And other stuff! The point is your pal, Makunga, set me up back there! I mean, none of this would have happened... :'''Zuba''': If you were a real lion. :'''Florrie''': ''[scolding Zuba]'' ZUBA!! :'''Zuba''': Yeah, I said it! :'''Alex''': A real lion. Thanks. Thanks a lot. ''[Leaves his parents behind]'' :''[Zuba and Florrie glare at each other]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Melman''': Saw. Suture. Swab. You're in my light, Stephen. :'''Stephen''': Ooh! Say, you've got a brown spot there on your shoulder. :'''Melman''': Yes, that's very observant, Stephen. As you can see, I'm covered in brown spots. OK! That bone will be good as new in a few weeks. :'''Timo''': So I don't have to pick out a dying hole? :'''Melman''': No, Timo, you got your whole life ahead of you. :'''Timo''': Really? :'''Melman''': Go out there and grab it by the horns! :'''Timo''': Thank you, Dr. Mankiewicz! :'''Melman''': Break a leg! Sweet kid. :'''Stephen''': Um... ''[clears throat]'' This spot looks like Witch Doctor's Disease. :'''Melman''': ''[so]'' Witch Doctor's Disease? That's the most ridiculous disease I've ever heard of Stephen. Whoa! :'''Elephant''': Don't ask. :'''Melman''': Someone's been knotty. ''[chuckles]'' Okay. This won't hurt a bit. :'''Murray''': Joe, our last witch doctor. He had a spot just like that. :'''Melman''': Mmm-hmm. And? :'''Murray''': Monday, Joe. Wednesday, no Joe. :'''Melman''': Wednesday, no Joe? :''[Melman fixes the elephant's nose]'' :'''Elephant''': Oh, I can breathe! Thanks, doc! :'''Melman''': So, this Witch Doctor's Disease is a real thing? :'''Stephen''': You'll find a cure. Hey! You've got at least 48 hours! :'''Melman''': But I've never even heard of it. I mean... I don't have any penicillin. I'm gonna need a CAT scan just to get started! :'''Stephen''': We'll have a lion look you over. They'd be happy to. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marty does the water challenge like he did in the [[w:Madagascar (2005 film)|first film]], spits out water, and sprays it all over the zebras]'' :'''Marty''': Ta-da! :'''Zebras''': He has talent! Stupendous and tremendous! Hollah! :'''Marty''': Bet you've never seen that one before! Knocked 'em dead in New York! :'''Zebra''': Hey, let's all give it a try! :'''Zebras''': Let's do it! :'''Marty''': Well, you can try all you want to, but it's gonna takes years of practice. And you'll never gonna quite get a tight stream until you build up your lip muscles to the point where you can purse your lips like this. You got it? :''[The zebras do the same thing like Marty did, but there was more water, which made Marty scream and knocked him]'' :'''Zebras''': Ta-da! :'''Marty''': How did you...? You guys got it right out of the box! :'''Zebra''': If you can do it, we can do it. :'''Zebra #2''': It's in our blood! :'''Marty''': I always thought I was a bit unique. :'''Zebras''': We are unique! :'''Zebra''': Hey! We are like a force of nature! :'''Zebra #2''': A million points of light! :'''Zebra #3''': And dark stripes! :'''Zebras''': Exactly the same! :'''Marty''': Exactly the same. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': Looks impressive, Kowalski, but... will it fly? :'''Kowalski''': Yes. If we fold it here, here and here. :'''Skipper''': Nice. :'''Alex''': Oh, man. My dad thinks I'm a total loser. I've ruined my parents' lives. :'''Zebra''': That is definitely not crack-a-lacking. :'''Alex''': It is lackin' in the crackin', my friend. I've gotta fix this. :'''Melman''': So....there's... There's something I gotta tell you. :'''Gloria''': Hey, guys. Is this place great or what?! :'''Alex''': I'd go with "or what." :'''Gloria''': Oh Well, I'll tell you what. You're not gonna believe it, but... Ha! I got a date with Moto Moto. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Melman''': Who's Moto Moto? :'''Gloria''': Oh, he's so big and handsome and big! You know what "Moto Moto" means? :'''Melman''': Twins? :'''Zebra''': It means, "Hot Hot." :'''Melman''': "Hot Hot"? :'''Gloria''': OK. When did you start parlez-ing African? :'''Zebra''': It's in my blood. :'''Melman''': Don't worry, you can flirt around with Mr. Hot Pants after I'm gone. :'''Gloria''': What's the deal Melman? Why am I the parade and you're the rain? :'''Melman''': Why do you have to drive your parade under my rain? :'''Gloria''': Maybe I'll just parade myself in another part of town! :'''Alex''': Whoa, guys. Guys! :'''Melman''': Fine by me by the way. Main Street's mine! :'''Gloria''': Well, you can have your old stinking main street! :'''Melman''': And you can take your hotee-tot float and your Mr. Hotee Moto Moto... :'''Zebra''': What are we talking about? :'''Alex''': Melman, why don't you just tell her? :'''Melman''': You tell her?! What? Tell her? What are you talking... I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Gloria''': So I guess I'll go, then. :'''Melman''': You know what? Don't bother. :'''Gloria''': Well, don't get up on my account. :'''Alex''': Melman! Gloria! :'''Zebra''': Hey! I-I thought you guys were friends! :'''Alex''': Come on guys. Marty's absolutely right. :'''Zebra''': Marty? :''[Suddenly, the real Marty shows up.]'' :'''Marty''': Marty? :'''Alex''': Marty? :'''Marty''': What the heck is going on? :'''Alex''': You're not? Oh! He was... No! I thought he... You're not him. He's... Oh. :'''Marty''': You thought that guy...was me? :'''Alex''': No, no! No! I mean, yes! Yes, you do... Guys, come on. :'''Zebra''': You thought I was him? :'''Alex''': You guys kind of do look a little... You look a lot alike. Marty, you look a lot alike. Come on! You laugh alike. You talk alike. He has the same sort of speech pattern. I mean, it's a little weird, really. You guys are... I mean, come on. Marty. :'''Marty''': So, you're saying there's nothing unique about me. I'm just like any other zebra. :'''Alex''': No. Of course you're different! :'''Both''': How? :'''Alex''': Okay! OK, I can't tell you apart. Maybe you could wear a bell or something? I don't know. :'''Marty''': A ''bell?'' :'''Alex''': OK, not a bell. No, bell's a bad idea. :'''Marty''': No, no, no! How about a T-shirt that says, ''"I'm with stupid?!"'' :'''Zebra''': I'm not stupid. :'''Marty''': Not you, stupid! ''Him'', stupid! :'''Alex''': You know what? While you've been off doing the prancing pony with your new posse, I've been having pretty much the worst day of my life. Okay? :'''Marty''': ''[sighs]'' It's always about you, isn't it? :'''Alex''': My problems are just a little bit bigger than yours, Marty. Alright, I couldn't tell you apart. So what?! ''[sees one of the two zebras leaving]'' Yeah, fine. Run away, Marty! Run away! That's what you do best! Just like back in New York! :'''Marty''': I'm right here. But you can't tell that, right? :''[Alex groans in frustration, mistaking the two zebras]'' :'''Marty''': Your one-of-a-million friend hopes you enjoy your ''bigger-than-anyone-else's'' problems alone! :'''Alex''': Good! Leave! I don't need you to help solve my problems! You know what, you're a dime a dozen, I can't tell which one's Marty! Oh, which one's Marty? Wait a minute, wait a minute, oh, yeah! I don't care! :'''Zebra''': Nice hat, you showoff! :'''Alex''': Marty.....don't go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Julien''': Giddy-up, giddy-up! Look, Maurice! Here's the perfect spot for my summer palace! So please fill in all these holes and relocate the riff-raff. Oh. Who'd leave a perfectly good head? :'''Maurice''': What a waste. :'''Melman''': Tell me about it. I'm in my prime here. I'm terminal, you know? I probably only have another two days left to live. :'''Maurice''': That's a bummer, man. :'''King Julien''': If I, King Julien... that's my name....only had two days left to live, I would do all the things I've ever dreamed of doing. :'''Melman''': Like what? :'''King Julien''': I'd love to become a professional whistler. I'm pretty amazing at it now, but I want to get even better, make my living out of it. ''[raspberries]'' You know what else I would do? I would invade a neighboring country and impose my own ideology, even if they didn't want it! :'''Melman''': Easy for you to say. You're a king. :'''King Julien''': Yes. And you are only just a sad little head. There must be something you want to do before you die! :'''Melman''': Well, there is this one thing. :'''Julien''': What? Tell me. :'''Melman''': No, I couldn't. :'''Julien''': What is it? :'''Melman''': You know, I never told Gloria how I feel about her. :'''Julien''': What is it? Please tell me! :'''Melman''': I never had the guts to tell Gloria how I feel about her. How I've always felt about her. :'''Julien''': Fine. Don't tell me! Oh...Is it a woman? You didn't tell me it's a woman. :'''Maurice''': What are you afraid of? You're a dead man anyway. :'''Melman''': Yeah. Yeah. You're right. :'''Julien''': Well, you've got to march right up to this woman. Look her right in the eye. Lean forward. Just a little, or almost all the way. Then you let her lean forward a little until you're....just lips' distance away from each other. Then you tell her how much you hate her. :'''Melman''': Actually, it's more like love her. :'''Julien''': Oh, you sly dog! Woof, woof! You're a real player. Now listen to me. You got to rise up. You hearing me? :'''Maurice''': He didn't hear you. :'''Julien''': I can't hear you! :'''Melman''': Yeah. :'''Julien''': Good. You got to rise up! :'''Maurice''': Rising up! :'''Julien''': You're gonna get out of the hole! :'''Melman''': I'm rising out of the ground! :'''Julien''': He's rising, Maurice. :'''Melman''': I'm rising, Maurice! :'''Maurice''': Rising! :'''Julien''': You go right up to this woman! :'''Maurice''': Do you feel it? :'''Julien''': Go up to her face! :'''Maurice''': Tell the truth! :'''Melman''': I'm going to tell her! :'''Julien''': And then you say, "Baby, I dig you!" Yeah! :'''Melman''': Yeah! I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it! :'''Julian''': I love that happy little head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moto Moto''': ''[singing]'' She loves me She loves my eyes, She loves me She loves my thighs, She loves my roundness, She love that I'm chunky She love that I'm plumpy, She love my heftiness She love my zestiness She love me restlessly She love me forever She love me... ..'cause she love me :'''Gloria''': Moto Moto...before things get too serious, well, I was wondering, if I were to, for example, stay here... l'd like to ask you... :'''Moto Moto''': Let your candied lips be the messengers to my... ear canal. :'''Gloria''': Well I don't know. I have so many questions. :'''Moto Moto''': Well I promise the answer will always be yes. Unless no is required. :'''Gloria''': Okay. So what is it about me that you find so interesting? :'''Moto Moto''': You're the most plumpenest girl I've ever met. :'''Gloria''': OK. Other than that. :'''Moto Moto''': Let's see. Yeah, well, you know... you chunky. :'''Gloria''': Right. :'''Moto Moto''': My gosh, girl, you huge. :'''Gloria''': You said that. :'''Moto Moto''': Yeah, that's right. We don't have to talk no more. :''[From the forests. Melman appeared]'' :'''Melman''': Gloria! Gloria. :'''Gloria''': Melman. Melman, I want you to meet Moto Moto. :'''Melman''': Moto Moto. Yeah, nice to meet you. Well I guess I... :'''Gloria''': It's OK, Melman. Apology accepted. :'''Melman''': Oh. Yeah, right, that. That's why I... Good. OK. Well, that's it, then. :'''Moto Moto''': You're good. We're kind of busy here, man. :'''Melman''': No. No, that's not it. ''[pulls Moto Moto from Gloria]'' Listen, Mototo, you better treat this lady like a queen. Because you, my friend, you found yourself the perfect woman. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect woman, I'd would give her flowers every day. And not just any flowers. OK? Her favorites are orchids. White. And breakfast in bed. Six loaves of wheat toast, butter on both sides. No crust, the way she likes it. I'd be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend. I'd spend every day thinking of how to make her laugh. She has the most amazing laugh. That's what I would do if I were you. But I'm not, so you do it. :'''Moto Moto''': OK. What? :'''Hippo''': That was beautiful. :'''Moto Moto''': Anyways, where were we? :'''Gloria''': I'm "huge"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex is punching the bird's nest, like a punching bag]'' :'''Alex''': Surprised to see me, Makunga? Well, I'm here to set things straight, like a ''real'' lion! Is this real enough for you? How about ''this''? ''This'' is for setting me up! ''This'' is for stealing my dad's job! ''This'' is for humiliating my family! ''AND MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL''! :''[The nest has the birds come out and they attack Alex while he coughs some of them with its birds and feathers]'' :'''Alex''': Had enough? Sure, fly away! Coward! :''[Then Alex hears someone screaming the word "NO!" along with some screams from the animals, and goes over and saw that the watering hole was all gone, where the animals have gathered there and sees a fish.]'' :'''Stephen''': The water, it's gone. :'''Murray''': Oh, no. :'''Hippo''': The watering hole has never gone dried before! :'''Murray''': We're gonna need a lot more dying holes. :'''Bobby''': How could this happen? :'''Makunga''': ''[enters]'' Out of my way! '''WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!''' :'''Bobby''': The watering hole's dried up! There's barely enough water for one of us! :'''Makunga''': Yes. Good observation, Shirley. :'''Bobby''': I'm Bobby. :'''Murray''': Makunga, what do we do? :'''Makunga''': '''''QUIET!!!''''' Listen up! I'm afraid there is only one solution to this horrible crisis: We'll all have to fight for it. :'''Hippo''': Fight for it? We can't fight for it. :'''Cape Buffalo''': This is crazy. :'''Bobby''': That's not fair. You'd win! :'''Makunga''': Exactly, Shirley. :'''Bobby''': I'm Bob-- ''[Makunga kicks him away]'' :'''Makunga''': Sorry, folks, but life isn't fair. I'm in charge now, thanks to Alakay, the dancing lion. :'''Timo''': Please, Makunga. This is the only water on the reserve. :'''Makunga''': If you're thirsty, you'll have to look for water off the reserve. :''[The animals talk about it, Alex looks back and remembers how he left the reserve when he got caught in the crate by the poachers when he was a little cub while Zuba tried to rescue him.]'' :'''Alex''': I left the reserve! And survived. I can do something about this. Looks like a clogged pipe. Like we get in New York all the time. I'll just travel upriver... :'''Makunga''': You? ''[laughing]'' :'''Alex''': Yeah! Me! I'll unclog the pipe and bring back your water. :'''Makunga''': Great! I'd help you pack; but the looks of that hat, I see you're all set! ''[laughing]'' :'''Alex''': Yeah. Fine. Go ahead. Laugh! Laugh your mane off! I'm gonna prove you wrong. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''Makunga''': ''[watches Alex leave]'' Maybe you should try a little rain dance. ''[scatting and laughing]'' :'''Stephen''': Zuba would know what to do. :'''Murray''': Where's Zuba?! :'''Elephant''': ''You'' don't care about us! :'''Hippo''': Zuba should be in charge, not ''you!'' :'''Animals''': Where is Zuba?! :'''Makunga''': ''[growling]'' '''''ALL RIGHT!!''''' '''FINE!''' As an added measure, I will consult with Zuba! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meanwhile, Alex goes off to find Marty.]'' :'''Alex''': Marty? Hey! Marty! Marty? Marty. :'''Zebra''': Where'd you get the fruity hat? :'''Alex''': Excuse me! Excuse me! Hi. Is Marty in there? :'''Zebras''': Marty? Anyone seen Marty? Which one of us is Marty? :'''Alex''': All right. Well, if you see him, tell him his friend Alex came to say goodbye. :'''Zebra''': Goodbye? Don't go. Where are you going? Can we come? :'''Alex''': No. This is something I have to do this alone. :'''Zebras''': You can't leave the reserve! What are you doing? They'll get your hat. Hunters are everywhere! Could you leave the hat? :'''Alex''': Marty, Look! I know you're in there. Before I go, I got something I want to say. You've been a great friend. You've helped me so often to see the bright side of my problems that I never think of you is having any. I wasn't there for you when you needed me. Just like back at the zoo. What kind of friend does that make me? A pretty lousy friend, I guess. Well I just want you to know that I... You're one in a million. :'''Zebra''': This is touching. :''[Another Zebra starts sobbing]'' :'''Zebra''': It is touching. :'''Alex''': So could you turn around so I can tell you to your face? That's right. Gotcha! I see you in there! Yeah, you. You, right there. Twelfth row, two hundred and third from the left. That's you, Marty. I know it's you. Know what makes you special? These guys are white with black stripes. You're black with white stripes. You're a dreamer, Marty. Always have been. You have great taste in music and horrible taste in friends. Well, not Melman and Gloria, but me. :'''Marty''': OK, I'm in. :'''Alex''': No, Marty. You can't come with me. :'''Marty''': I don't believe you have a choice. :''[Alex and Marty, reunited, walk side by side into the jungle, bumping each other playfully]'' :'''Zebras''': People are out there! You're crazy! Come back! The people will get you! Don't lose the hat! Bye, hat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gloria''': Any water?! :'''Moto Moto''': No, just more diamonds and gold. :'''Gloria''': Okay. Don't give up hope. :'''King Julien''': Listen up! I will help you! There's only one way to get your precious water. I, your beloved King Julien must simply make a small sacrifice to my good friends, the water gods, in the volcano! :'''Rhino''': What does that do? :'''King Julien''': What does that do? Excellent question. My sacrifice goes in the volcano. The friendly gods eat up my sacrifice. "Very nice. Thank you for the sacrifice." "Here, have another sacrifice." "No, I've had enough." " Listen I'm insulted unless you have another." "I don't want another sacrifice okay?!" "Look at you! You look skinny!" "No! I've had enough! Is that clear?!" The gods eat the sacrifice. They are grateful. They give me some water, and then I give it to you. :'''Gloria''': What? :'''Female Okapi''': Does it work? :'''King Julien''': No! I mean, yes. Well, Maurice? :'''Maurice''': Ah, it's fifty-fifty. :'''All''': We'll do it! :'''King Julien''': Excellent! Now, all I need is someone who would like to go into the volcano and get eaten by gods. Any hands! Hands, anybody! Okay, I need someone, perhaps who has never found love, who could look death straight in the eyeball. A real, genuine hero. :'''Melman''': I'll do it. :'''Gloria''': Melman? :''[The crowd cheered and they carry Melman to the volcano chanting his name]'' :'''King Julien''': Hurry up! Before we all come to our senses! :'''Gloria''': Melman, what is wrong with you? :'''Melman''': I'm dying anyway. If there's a chance it'll get you water, it'll be worth it. :'''Gloria''': Are you nuts? :'''Melman''': Gloria, I just want you to know, back at the zoo, it was never the doctors or prescriptions that kept me going. It was always you. Seeing you every day, that's what kept me going. :'''Gloria''': Melman! Wait! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Florrie''': You going to mope around like this all day? :'''Zuba''': Hmph. :'''Florrie''': Don't "hmph" me. Listen, Zuba. A miracle happened. ''Our'' son has come back to ''us''. How come that is not good enough for ''you?'' :'''Zuba''': What are you saying, woman? :'''Florrie''': We lost him once, Zuba. Let's not lose him again. :'''Makunga''': Zuba! Zuba! :'''Zuba''': ''[angrily]'' Get out of here! :'''Florrie''': What do ''you'' want, Makunga? :'''Makunga''': It's awful. The watering hole is dried up. :'''Zuba''': DRIED UP?! ''[snarls]'' That's impossible!! :'''Makunga''': There's nothing left! :'''Zuba''': Well! You're alpha lion, Makunga. What are you gonna do about it? :'''Makunga''': Your son, Alakay, he said he could fix it. He's gone upriver. :'''Zuba''': Off The Reserve?! :'''Florrie''': No! :'''Makunga''': I tried to stop him! I told him it was suicide, but he was determined to prove himself to ''you!'' :'''Zuba''': You stay here, in case he comes back! ''[running off to the reserve]'' :'''Makunga''': Hurry, Zuba! I'm so parched. ''[coughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': Is this place starting to freak you out? :'''Alex''': We'll slip in, find the problem. Hunters will never know we were here. :'''Marty''': Why are we doing this? :'''Alex''': Look. Marty, maybe my dad will think I'm... I just want to show him I'm a real lion. :'''Marty''': As opposed to a chocolate lion. :'''Alex''': Shh. I know this may sound hard to believe; but apparently, lions don't dance. :'''Marty''': ''[shocked]'' '''WHAT?!?''' :'''Alex''': SHH!! As far as my dad is concerned. :'''Marty''': As far as people are concerned, you're a huge hit. :'''Alex''': That was New York. This is Africa. It’s a much tougher crowd. Marty! Marty, this is it! This is the clog! Come on. :'''Marty''': Well, there's the water. :''[Marty drinks some of the water. While Marty is drinking the water, Alex notices Nana]'' :'''Alex''': Marty, stay down. Look at that. :'''Nana''': Knit one, purl two. :'''Alex''': It's her. :'''Man''': Is this right? :'''Nana''': Very good. :'''Man''': Nana, slow down. :'''Nana''': You're a little tangled, aren't you? No, don't pull. I'll do it. :'''Alex''': We need dynamite. Got any dynamite? :'''Marty''': ''[loudly]'' Oh, snap! I just used my last stick this morning! :''[Alex tells Marty to quiet down, but an arrow hits the fruit hat of shame]'' :'''Marty''': Savages! :'''Alex''': Evasive maneuvers! :'''Marty''': Serpentine, serpentine! :'''Alex''': Squiggly squid maneuver! :'''Marty''': Zag, zig-zag, zig ziggy zag! :'''Alex''': No, no! Squiggly squid! :'''Marty''': Etch A Sketch! Etch A Sketch! Etch A Sketch! :'''Alex''': That's too complex! Octopus, octopus! :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': Run, Marty! :'''Marty''': Come on, I can't leave you here! :'''Alex''': Go get help! Squiggly squid maneuver! Go! Go! Squiggly squid! :'''Marty''': ETCH A SKETCH!!! '''''ETCH A SKETCH!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera changes to the volcano where Melman is about to go into the lava, but he is looking to the deep of the volcano.]'' :'''Melman''': OK. OK, OK, OK. OK, here we go. OK, OK. Here we go! Here we go! :'''Joe''': What's all the hoopla about? :'''Stephen''': Joe? :'''Murray''': Joe the Witch Doctor? We thought you were dead! :'''Joe''': So did I. Then I realized I'm covered in brown spots. :'''Stephen''': So, Melman's not dying! ''[suddenly realizes the truth]'' Melman's not dying! :'''Murray''': Oh, no! :'''Gloria''': Excuse me! Melman!! Move! Don't do this! ''[to King Julien]'' Julien, stop this! This is crazy! :'''King Julien''': Oh, suddenly throwing a giraffe into a volcano to make water is crazy! :'''Gloria''': Yes! Please, Melman! STOOOP!!!! :'''Melman''': Gloria? :'''Gloria''': You can't do this! :'''Melman''': Why not? :'''Gloria''': Because...Oh! :''[But before Gloria could finish, she trips which causes cracks to come out. Melman is shocked at what he's seeing and runs up, but begins to fall. Gloria stops him from falling by grabbing his horns.]'' :'''Gloria''': You can't do this, Melman. :'''Melman''': First of all, that hurts. Second of all, I've only got 18 hours to live, anyway. :'''Gloria''': Melman, I gotta know...did you really mean those things you said about me? :'''Melman''': Of course I did. :'''Gloria''': That's crazy. :'''Melman''': It is? :'''Gloria''': ''[throws Melman into her arms]'' It's crazy to think I had to go halfway around the world... to find out that the perfect guy for me lived right next door. :'''Melman''': Then I guess it's you and me, neighbor. You and me for the next 18 hours. :'''Gloria''': I'll take whatever you got. :''[They embrace]'' :'''Julien''': Maurice, what just happened?! :'''Maurice''': I believe the fat lady has sung. :''[As Melman and Gloria enjoy their romance, Marty showed up to warn them about Alex.]'' :'''Marty''': Hey! What's going on here? :'''Gloria''': Marty! :'''Marty''': Hey. Hey. Listen up. Alex is in big trouble! We got to get upriver fast! :'''Melman''': What about the plane? :'''Marty''': Perfect! Come on! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the union monkeys have gone on strike. Mason and Phil are with Skipper at the negotiating table]'' :'''Mason''': The plane won't be fixed until the suits meet our demands. Now, about maternity leave. :'''Skipper''': "Maternity leave"? ''[glances under the table]'' You're all males... :'''Marty''': Look, we need that plane for a rescue mission. [[File:Amazon warehouse workers outside the National Labor Relations Board 01.jpg|thumb|Well, there's nothing I can do until we bust up this union.]] :'''Skipper''': Well, there's nothing I can do until we bust up this union. :'''Gloria''': I'm gonna get to busting up all you if you don't get this plane going! :'''Skipper''': Can't you see these commies have my hands tied here! No maternity leave! :'''Mason''': ''[nudges Phil, who pulls out incriminating photos of Skipper and "Doll" in compromising positions]'' Maybe a certain someone wouldn't want ''these'' blowing around on the savanna? Hmm? :'''Skipper''': ''[reluctantly]'' All right, you get your maternity leave. :''[a whistle blows in the background and the monkeys get back to fixing the plane]'' :'''Marty''': Finally. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in the woods, the hunters have tied up Alex and are gonna kill him and eat him as their dinner]'' :'''Alex''': Where we headed? What's going on? Where are we going? Oh, no! Please! No, you're not gonna put me there! No, no, no! This is wrong. :'''Nana''': You see? You are survivors. Now, how about a nice lion casserole? :'''Tour Guide''': You can't eat a lion. :'''Nana''': Eh. Don't worry, it tastes like chicken. :'''Alex''': No, no, no. Don't listen to her. She's out of her mind, people! Hey! Hey! I'm from New York City too! It's me, Alex the lion! From Central Park! :''[Suddenly, the hunters hear a roaring. It is revealed to be Zuba!]'' :'''Man''': Lion! :'''Alex''': Dad! :'''Zuba''': What were you thinking, son?! You got no business being out here!! This is it. I want you to stay behind me. :'''Alex''': No, Dad. They're New Yorkers. They're just rude and frightened people. :'''Zuba''': Stay back! ''[snarls]'' :'''Nana''': You'd let your dinner get away?! :'''Zuba''': What are you doing, son? :'''Alex''': The only thing I know how to do. :'''Tour Guide''': Huh? :''[Will.I.Am "The Traveling Song" plays again]'' :'''Man''': What the...? :'''Cameraman''': ''[recognizes the dance moves]'' Hey! I know those moves. Alex? :''[The hunters begin to notice that it is Alex the Lion]'' :'''Woman''': It's Alex the lion! :'''Man''': From the Central Park! :'''Man #2''': It ''is'' Alex! :'''Man #3''': Only one lion can move like that! :'''Tour Guide''': He's beautiful. :'''Zuba''': I can't believe it. :'''Man''': How does he do that?! :''[All the hunters start cheering]'' :''[The hunters chant Alex's name while Zuba joins the dance for a relationship]'' :'''Alex''': Dad, what are you doing? :'''Zuba''': I'm dancing with my son! I think. :'''Alex''': Don't think, Dad. Feel! Butterfly! :'''Zuba''': I'm feeling it! I'm feeling it! :'''Both''': '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :''[Everyone is cheering for Alex and Zuba and they drop the weapons]'' :'''Nana''': That was beautiful. Now let's eat! :'''Alex''': Dad, look out! :'''Zuba''': What the...? :'''Marty''': Alex, get in! :'''Alex''': She's got a gun! Let's get out while we can! :'''Marty''': What? :'''Alex''': She's got a gun! Let's get out while we can! Pass it on. :''[the chimpanzees chatter the message all the way up the chain]'' :'''Mason''': He said, "Let’s have some fun and take out the dam. Basset hound!" :'''Marty''': Skipper, Alex wants to take out the dam! :'''Skipper''': All right. ''[on the intercom]'' It's his funeral. :'''Marty''': What? :'''Skipper''': ''[on the intercom]'' Hard to port! :'''Gloria''': Aye-aye, Skippy! :'''Melman''': Bring it on! Bring it on! Whoo! :'''Nana''': Come back! That's my dinner! :'''Skipper''': Kowalski, full throttle. Music. :'''Private''': ''[puts in a tape that plays "At The Copa (Copacabana)" by Barry Manilow]'' Oh, I like this song. :'''Kowalski''': It never gets old. :'''Skipper''': It does have a catchy hook. Come about! Bring her in low! ''[on the intercom]'' Hold on to your skirts! It's dam-busting time! :'''Gloria''': Hold on tight, baby! Here we go! :'''Alex''': Tell them, "No! Pull up! They'll kill us! There's got to be another way!" Pass it on! :''[the chimpanzees chatter the message all the way up the chain]'' :'''Mason''': They said, "No! Pull up! They'll kill us! There's got to be another way, Basset Hound!" :'''Marty''': Are you sure? :'''Skipper''': Men, there's no sacrifice greater than someone else's. ''["Doll's" head gets blown off by Nana's shotgun]'' '''''NO!! MEDIC!!!''' [Rico pulls out the tape while Nana throws away her shotgun before swinging her purse] '''RAMMING SPEED!!!!''''' :'''Nana''': ''[twirling her purse]'' Bring it on! ''[all scream as they're about to crash head-first into the dam]'' Bad kitties. :'''King Julien''': I don't know why the sacrifice didn't work. The science seemed so solid. I'd jump right in that volcano if I wasn't so good at whistling. ''[as he blows raspberries, Mort suddenly shows up behind them]'' :'''Mort''': Oh! Oh-ho! It's you! I found you! :'''King Julien''': Mort? ''[as Mort staggers towards Julien and Maurice, the shark comes up behind him and chases him again]'' :'''Mort''': Bad fishy! ''[the trio jumps out of the way as the shark jumps into the lava below; Mort giggles after the shark has died]'' :'''Maurice''': I wonder if the gods like seafood. :'''King Julien''': Let's go find out. ''[the trio climbs up to the edge and witness the water rushing back into Africa]'' Look, Maurice. :'''Maurice''': That was quick. :'''King Julien''': I did it! I did it! I did it! ''[the volcano briefly erupts, then goes quiet again]'' Okay, you did it! :'''Mort''': Oh, yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hippo''': Look! :'''Animals''': It's Alakay! It's Zuba! You did it! Alakay, Zuba, you did it! :'''Florrie''': Zuba! Alakay! You're back! I'm so glad you're safe! :'''Makunga''': Out of my way. Well, well, well. You know, Zuba, if I remember correctly, you quit the pride. And you were kicked out. So don't think for an instant that this changes anything. :'''Alex''': You're right. In fact, we humbly present you with this token of appreciation. It's a man bag. Very popular where I'm from. :'''Makunga''': I don't know what to say. :'''Alex''': You can still be tough and carry your stuff. :'''Makunga''': My, does this strip adjust? Yes. I think this will go very nicely for me when I go out hiking, but I'm afraid you're still banished. :'''Alex''': We figured you'd say that. ''[Zuba pulls down the bucket, revealing that Nana was inside it]'' :'''Nana''': ''[gasps]'' My handbag! ''[looks at Makunga] You bad kitty! [kicks Makunga's crotch, steps on his foot, uses her ruler to hit his hand and wet willies his left ear]'' :'''Makunga''': ''[last words]'' No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! ''[Nana rubs his arms that it burns before spanking Makunga's butt]'' '''ARGH!!!!''' :'''Alex''': ''[winces]'' Ow! ''[Nana grabs Makunga by the ear before dragging him away. Zuba picks up his staff and holds it to his son]'' :'''Zuba''': You deserve this, son. Welcome to the pride. :'''Alex''': Thanks, Dad... but this belongs to you. :'''Zuba''': No, no, son. To us! ''[father and son then raise the staff in the air for the animals to see]'' My son! The King of New York! :'''Florrie''': Whoo! That's my baby! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene cuts to the wedding day where Skipper and his doll girlfriend get married]'' :'''Zuba''': Love transcends all differences. We are gathered here today to celebrate such a love. Do you take each other, for better or for worse? :'''Skipper''': For better, please. :'''Alex''': What a beautiful, weird couple! :'''Melman''': That's not going to last. :'''Private''': Can I kiss the bride, Skipper? :'''Skipper''': No! Music! :''[More than a Feeling by Boston plays again]'' :'''Skipper''': Struts. :'''Kowalski''': Check. :'''Skipper''': Flaps! :'''Kowalski''': Check. :'''Skipper''': Diamonds and gold. :'''Kowalski''': Check. :'''Florrie''': Bye-bye! :'''Zuba''': We'll miss you! :'''Florrie''': See you later! :'''Skipper''': We'll be back after the honeymoon in Monte Carlo, or whenever the gold runs out. :'''Zuba''': Take care yourself! :'''Florrie''': Come back soon! :'''Alex''': You know Mom, let them take their time. New York isn't going anywhere, right, guys? :'''Marty''': Yeah! You're right about that! Hey! :'''Melman''': As long as I'm with her... and you two, I don't care where we are. She has the most amazing laugh. :'''Marty''': Love has no boundaries! :'''Alex''': Well, looks like you're stuck with us for a while. Dad? What's wrong? I just thought we could hang out a bit and... :''[Zuba makes faces of angry and happy, then he laughs]'' :'''Marty''': Hey! :'''Alex''': You got me! :'''Zuba''': I got you, son! ''[Scatting]'' :'''Alex''': You got me with. You did my thing. You brought it back around on me. I love it. :'''Zuba''': ''[Scatting]'' I got you, son! :'''Alex''': The old man's not too bad, eh, Marty? :'''Marty''': Marty? Who's Marty? :'''Alex''': Come on! :'''Marty''': I don't know no Marty. No call me Marty. :'''Alex''': You can't fool me! :'''Marty''': I don't see no Marty. Ain't no Marty here. :'''Alex''': Marty! I can look into your eyes, and I know it's you. :''[Will.I.Am "The Traveling Song" plays yet again]'' :'''Julien''': Hey! Shake the hot things! :'''All''': '''WHOO!!!''' :'''Julien''': Shake the hot things! :'''All''': '''WHOO!!!''' :'''Julien''': Shake 'em! Shake 'em! Shake 'em! Shake 'em! :''[The story will be continued on the midquel of Valentine's Day and the third movie…]'' :''[Will.I.Am's "I Like to Move it" plays in the end credits and then shows the memoriam text "For our friend Bernie Mac, thanks for all the laughter!"]'' == Taglines == * Still together, still lost. * You got to move it move it. You got to move it. * ''[from trailer]'' This fall, your favorite castaways are going home. * ''[from trailer]'' They thought they were going home. They thought wrong. * ''[from trailer]'' On November seventh, for these castaways, it is a jungle out there. * ''[from trailer]'' From DreamWorks, to survive in Africa, they will have to get in touch with their wild side. == Voice cast == *[[Ben Stiller]] — Alex the Lion **Quinlin "Quinn" Dempsey Stiller<br>Declan Swift — Young Alex *[[Chris Rock]] — Marty the Zebra / Additional Zebras ** Thomas Stanley — Young Marty *[[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]] — Melman Mankiewicz the Giraffe **[[w:Zachary Gordon|Zachary Gordon]] — Young Melman *[[w:Jada Pinkett Smith|Jada Pinkett Smith]] — Gloria the Hippo **[[w:Willow Smith|Willow Smith]] — Young Gloria *[[Sacha Baron Cohen]] — Julien the Lemur *[[w:Cedric the Entertainer|Cedric the Entertainer]] — Maurice the Lemur *[[w:Andy Richter|Andy Richter]] — Mort the Lemur *[[w:Bernie Mac|Bernie Mac]] <small>(final role)</small> — Zuba the Alpha Lion *[[Alec Baldwin]] — Makunga the Rival Lion *[[w:Sherri Shepherd|Sherri Shepherd]] — Florrie the Alpha Lioness *[[w:will.i.am|will.i.am]]'— Moto Moto the Hippo *[[w:Tom McGrath (animator)|Tom McGrath]] — Skipper the Penguin *[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] — Kowalski the Penguin *[[w:Christopher Knights|Chris Knights]] — Private the Penguin *[[John DiMaggio]] — Rico the Penguin *[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] — Mason the Chimpanzee *[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]] — Nana the Old Lady *[[w:Jeffrey Katzenberg|Jeffrey Katzenberg]] — Moon Boy == Dedication == * For our friend, [[w:Bernie Mac|Bernie Mac]]. Thanks for all of the laughter. ==See also== *''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'', a 2005 DreamWorks film also written and directed by Eric Darnell and Tom McGrath. *''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted|3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'', the third film. * [[The Penguins of Madagascar|''The Penguins of Madagascar'' (TV show)]] ** [[Penguins of Madagascar|''Penguins of Madagascar'' (movie)]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0479952}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=madagascar_escape_2_africa}} {{Madagascar}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2008 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2008 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Madagascar|Madagascar 2]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:American sequel films|Madagascar 2]] [[Category:Films directed by Eric Darnell|Madagascar 2]] [[Category:Animated films about lions|Madagascar 2]] [[Category:Animated films about zebras|Madagascar 2]] [[Category:Animated films about giraffes|Madagascar 2]] [[Category:Animated films about hippopotamuses|Madagascar 2]] [[Category:Animated films about elephants|Madagascar 2]] [[Category:Animated films about rhinoceroses|Madagascar 2]] [[Category:Animated films about penguins|Madagascar 2]] [[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Animated films set in Madagascar]] [[Category:Animated films set in New York City]] [[Category:Animated films set in Kenya]] [[Category:Animated films set in jungles]] 8889df37kjg15zyxgyfd4xcnrpshkuc 0 96962 3955173 3952329 2026-06-21T23:34:37Z ~2026-36026-25 3344379 /* Dialogue */ 3955173 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Treasure Planet|Treasure Planet]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] animated sci-fi film based on [[Robert Louis Stevenson|Robert Louis Stevenson's]] Treasure Island. :''Directed by [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]] and [[w:John Musker|John Musker]]. Screenplay by Ron Clements, John Musker, [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] and adaptation of [[w:Robert Louis Stevenson|Robert Louis Stevenson]]'s 1883 novel ''[[w:Treasure Island|Treasure Island]]''. Edited by Michael Kelly.'' :''Music by [[w:James Newton Howard|James Newton Howard]]'' {{center|'''Find your place in the universe.''' ([[Treasure Planet#Taglines|taglines]])}} [[File:Heart and Soul nebulae.jpg|thumb|Now, you listen to me, Jim Hawkins. You got the makings of greatness in you, but you gotta take the helm and chart your own course! Stick to it, no matter the squalls! And when the time comes, you'll get the chance to really test the cut of your sails and show what you're made of! And... well, I hope I'm there, catching some of the light coming off you that day. ~ Long John Silver]] [[File:Grand star-forming region R136 in NGC 2070 (captured by the Hubble Space Telescope).jpg|thumb|You're something special, Jim. You're gonna rattle the stars, you are! ~ Long John Silver]] [[File:The star formation region NGC 3324.jpg|thumb|Stay outta trouble, you old scallywag. <br>Why, Jimbo, lad, when have I ever done otherwise? ~ James Hawkins and Long John Silver]] == Narrator == * ''[in the original prologue]'' There are nights when the Etherium is as calm and peaceful as a pond on the planet Pelsanor. Nights when the big merchant ships with their cargoes of Arcturian solar crystals can expect a smooth ride. But there was a time when the even the calmest night could give way to the unexpected... Pirates! The enemies of all honest spacers. And the most feared of all these pirates... was the notorious Captain Nathaniel Flint! * Flint and his band of renegades would swoop in out of nowhere, and then, gathering up their spoils... vanished, without a trace. * For a hundred of years, stories passed from spacer to spacer of Flint's secret trove. Hidden somewhere at the farthest reaches of the galaxy. Stowed with riches beyond imagination, the loot of a thousand worlds... * As a kid, growing up on the mining planet Montresor, I lived and breathed those legends. Many a night, I drifted to sleep with images of gallions, far away planets, and Flint's gleeming trove, dancing through my head. And then, I turned 15. * ''[first lines; in Jim's storybook]'' On the clearest of nights, when the winds of the Etherium were calm and peaceful, the great merchant ships with their cargoes of Arcturian sura crystals felt safe and secure. Little did they suspect that they were pursued by pirates! And the most feared of all these pirates was the notorious Captain Nathaniel Flint. * Like a Candarian zap-wing overtaking its prey, Flint and his band of renegades swooped in out of nowhere, and then, gathering up their spoils... vanished, without a trace. * Flint's secret trove was never found, but stories have persisted that it remains hidden somewhere at the farthest reaches of the galaxy, stowed with riches beyond imagination - the Loot of a Thousand Worlds - Treasure Planet. * There are nights when the winds of the Etherium, so inviting in their promise of flight and freedom, made one's spirit soar! == James "Jim" Hawkins == * ''[after discovering the map to Treasure Planet]'' Mom, this is it! This is the answer to all our problems! * Well, this has been a fun day, huh? Makin' new friends, like that spider psycho. * ''[referring to Silver's robotic leg and arm]'' So, uh, how'd happen anyway? * No, I checked them ALL! * ''[Next in deck to Silver]'' Look, don't you get it?! I screwed up! I mean, two seconds, I thought the maybe I could do something right, but... ''[yells in frustration before standing by the mast away from Silver]'' I just forget it. Forget it. * Yeah, Flint's trove, you know, uh. The loot of Thousands worlds? * Without the map, we're dead. If we try to leave, we're dead. If we stay here. * ''['''Scroop''': Oh, yes. Do say hello to Mr. Arrow.]'' ''[knocking Scroop out the ship the R.L.S Legacy into the space]'' '''TELL HIM YOURSELF!''' * You want the map, you're taking me, too. * Okay. Now, no matter what happens keep the ship heading straight for that portal. == Long John Silver == * ''[speaking to his crew; raises his voice and swings his sword around]'' Now, if you pardon my plain speaking, gentlemen, are you all '''''STARK-RAVING, TOTALLY, BLINKING DAFT?!''''' After all me finagling getting us hired as an upstanding crew, you want to blow the whole mutiny before it's time?! * Now, you listen to me, James Hawkins. You got the makings of greatness in you, but you gotta take the helm and chart your own course! Stick to it, no matter the squalls! And when the time comes, you'll get the chance to really test the cut of your sails and show what you're made of! And... well, I hope I'm there, catching some of the light coming off you that day. * ''[After Jim discovers him and his crew planning mutiny]'' Change in plan, lads! '''WE MOVE NOW!''' * You're just like me, Jimbo... ya hates to lose. * ''[Letting go of a literal shipload of treasure in order to save Jim]'' '''''OH, BLAST ME FOR A FOOL!''''' * Why... look at you, glowing like a solar fire. You're something special, Jim. You're gonna rattle the stars, you are! * We'll take 'em all. * Why, Jimbo, lad, when have I ever told otherwise? ''[laughs as his longboat is launched]'' == Dr. Delbert Doppler == * I really don't know how you manage it, Sarah. Trying to run a business while raising a felon like-- felon... fellow... fellow like Jim. * All my life I've been waiting for an opportunity like this, and here it is screaming, "Go Delbert! Go Delbert!..." * Well, Jim, this should be a wonderful opportunity for the two of us to get to know one another. You know what they say, familiarity breeds, um... well, contempt, but, in our case-- * It's the suit, isn't it? l should never have listened to that pushy two-headed saleswoman. This one said it fit, that one said it was my color... I didn't know what to do. I get so flustered! * [[w:Leonard McCoy|Dang it, Jim! I'm an astronomer, not a doctor!]] I mean, I ''am'' a doctor, but I'm not ''that'' kind of doctor. I have a doctorate, it's not the same thing. You can't ''help'' people with a doctorate, you just sit there, and you're ''useless!'' == Captain Amelia == * Mr. Arrow, I've checked this miserable ship from stem to stern, and, as usual, it's... spot on. Can you get nothing wrong? * Doctor, to muse and blabber about a treasure map in front of this particular crew... demonstrates a level of ineptitude that borders on the imbecilic. And I mean that in a very caring way. * ''[her eulogy for Mr. Arrow]'' Mr. Arrow was a... ''[clears throat]'' fine spacer. Finer than most of us could ever hope to be. But he knew the risks, as do we all. Resume your posts. We carry on. * ''[after Jim warns her and Doppler about the crew's mutiny]'' Pirates on my ship?! I'll see they all hang! * ''[referring to the map]'' Mr. Hawkins, defend this with your life! * ''[while shooting at pirates]'' CHEW ON THIS, YA PUS-FILLED BOILS! * Mr. Hawkins, scout ahead. * HOLD ON TO YOUR LIFELINES, GENTS! IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE! == Scroop == * Cabin boys should learn to mind their own business. * ''[holding a claw to Jim's throat]'' Any last words, cabin boy? * ''[Approaches, holding Arrow's hat]'' I'm afraid Mr. Arrow has been lost. ''[Amelia stares at the hat in horror]'' His lifeline was not secured. * ''[last words before his death]'' Oh, yes! ''[about to cut Jim's lifeline of the rope]'' Do say hello to Mr. Arrow. ''['''Jim Hawkins''': Tell him yourself!]'' == B.E.N. == * ''[upon encountering Jim]'' Oh, this is fantastic! A carbon-based life form come to rescue me at last! I just want to hug you and squeeze you and hold you close to me. * I've been marooned for so long. I mean, solitude's fine, don't get me wrong. But for heaven's sake, after 100 years... '''YA GO A LITTLE ''NUTS!''''' * I'm sorry, my memory isn't what it use to be I've, um, lost my mind! ''[laughs]'' "Lost my mind!" You haven't found it, have you? My missing piece? My primary [[w:integrated circuit|memory circuit]]? * ''[singing]'' Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me! * Disable a few laser cannons. What is the big deal? All we gotta do is find that one little wire... ''[discovers countless similar wires that control parts of the ship]'' Oh, Mama. * This has gotta be cannons. ''[The gravity turns off]'' Maybe not. * ''[After removing the plug which controls gravity]'' BACK YOU GO, YA NAUGHTY PLUG! * Jimmy, I don't know about you, but I'm starting to see my life pass in front of my eyes. At least, I think it's my life. '''''WAS I EVER DANCING WITH AN ANDROID NAMED LUPE?!''''' * OH, A MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO LOSE! * ''[after finally getting back his memory circuit]'' You know, uh, Jimmy, I was just thinking... I was just-- Think-- It's all flooding back! All my memories! Right up until Flint pulled my memory circuit so I could never tell anybody about his BOOBY TRAP! ''[an explosion is heard]'' Speaking of which... * Flint wanted to make sure nobody could ever steal his treasure! So he rigged this whole planet to blow ''HIGHER THAN A KALEPSIAN KITE!'' * I am not leaving my buddy Jimmy! ''[Jim scowls at him]'' Unless he looks at me like that. ''BYE, JIM!'' == Onus == * ''[as the Legacy reaches Treasure Planet]'' There it is! Feast eyes and click heels, if you got 'em! * ''[after the map seemingly leads the pirates to a dead end]'' I see nothing! One great big stinking hunk of NOTHING! * ''[after the pirates find Flint's treasure]'' [[w:Jaws (film)|We are going to need a bigger boat!]] * ''[As the Legacy flies through dangerous terrain]'' We were better off on exploding planet! == Other == * '''Sarah Hawkins''': ''[repeated lines]'' James Pleiades Hawkins! * '''Billy Bones''': ''[last words before his death, whispered to Jim]'' The cyborg! Beware the cyborg! * '''Police Robot 1''': ''[to Sarah Hawkins]'' We apprehended your son operating a solar vehicle in a restricted area. * '''Police Robot 2''': Moving Violation 9-0-4, Section 15, Paragraph... um... * '''Mr. Zoff''': ''[Chuckling, Eek Pfft]'' * '''Crex''': Come on! * '''Grewnge''': ''[grabs Doppler]'' '''''I PUMMEL YOU GOOD!''''' * '''Turnbuckle''': Aye, Captain. 2-1-0-0. * '''Longbourne''': Hey, you! * '''Hedley''': What are you looking at, weirdo? ''[Head off with the body]'' * '''Torrance''': Yeah, weirdo. ''[Jim stands and hold a mop to do, Scroop appears to him]'' * '''Mertock''': Where is it?! * '''Krailoni''': What's this sorry stack of metal? * '''Hands''': Watch it, twerp! * '''Blinko''': It's got to be around here somewhere! * '''Mr. Arrow''': I'll not tolerate a cross word about our Captain! There's no finer officer in this or any galaxy. * '''Mrs. Dunwiddie''': Mrs. Hawkins, then my juice? == Dialogue == :'''Narrator''': ''[first lines; in Jim's storybook]'' On the clearest of nights, when the winds of the Etherium were calm and peaceful, the great merchant ships, with their cargos of Arcturian solar crystals, felt safe and secure. Little did they suspect that they were pursued by... pirates. ''[Flint's ship rushes towards a nearby merchant ship, as some nearby clouds form an image of Scroop]'' And the most feared of all these pirates was the notorious Captain Nathaniel Flint. :'''Captain Nathaniel Flint''': ''[to crew]'' Fire! :''[The pirates ship ready to shooting by cannons to the another ship to the aliens and young Jim story about the Treasure Planet]'' :'''Narrator''': Like a Candarian zap-wing overtaking its prey-- :'''Sarah Hawkins''': James Pleiades Hawkins! ''[Closes his book]'' I thought you were asleep an hour ago! :'''Young Jim''': Mom, I was just getting to the best part. ''[Holding a book manners]'' Please? :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Oh, can those eyes get any bigger? Scootch over. :''[Young Jim continue open the storybook about the pirates]'' :'''Narrator''': ''[Continue storybook]'' Like a Candarian zap-wing overtaking its prey, Flint and his band of renegades swooped in out of nowhere, ''[Shooting the aliens, Captain Flint use a sword snatch and open the Treasure chest, Flint evilly laughing golden treasure is Mine!]'' and then, gathering up their spoils... vanished, without a trace. :'''Young Jim and Sarah Hawkins''': Ooh! :'''Narrator''': Flint's secret trove was never found, but stories have persisted that it remains hidden somewhere at the farthest reaches of the galaxy, stowed with riches beyond imagination - the loot of a Thousands Worlds... :'''Young Jim and Narrator''': Treasure Planet. :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Okay, ''[uses Tissue to young Jim]'' blow your nose. ''[Young Jim blow your nose while running after reading the storybook about pirates]'' :'''Young Jim''': How do you think Captain Flint did it, Mom? ''[Jumping in the bed, hiding under blanket and comes out]'' How'd he swoop in out of nowhere and vanished, without a trace? :'''Sarah Hawkins''': I have no idea. Come here, you, you li-- I'm gonna get-- oh! ''[she gives Jim a raspberry kiss and tickle on the belly]'' Okay, now it's time for this little spacer to go to sleep. :'''Young Jim''': Do you think somebody'll ever find Treasure Planet? :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Sweetheart, I think is more... like a legend. :'''Young Jim''': I know it's real. :'''Sarah Hawkins''': You win. It's real. ''[kiss to Jim]'' :'''Young Jim''': Nighty, night, Mom. :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Nighty, night, sweetheart. I love you. :'''Young Jim''': I love you, too. ''[closes the door]'' :'''Narrator''': There are nights when the winds of the Etherium, so inviting in their promise of flight and freedom, made one's spirit soar! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In 12 years later, Jim was 15 years old to be grown up to a Solar surfer]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[Buzzing]'' Yaaaa-hoo! ''[Alarm rings]'' Come on! Whoo! Ha ha ha! WHOO-HOO! ''[When the solar surfer, it Sirens blaring two police robots comes an emergency lights and chase at him]'' Oh, great. :''[Later at the Bendow Inn]'' :'''Mrs. Dunwiddie''': Mrs. Hawkins! :'''Sarah Hawkins''': I know, refill on the purp juice. Coming right up, Mrs. Dunwiddie! ''[whole each powdered spheroids, two eclipses and big bowl of the Zorellian jelly worms]'' There we go. That's 4 powdered spheroids, 2 lunar eclipses, and it's a big bowl of the Zorellian jelly worms for the big boy! :'''Alien boy''': Awesome! :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Enjoy! :''[It eats his food rally jelly worms]'' :'''Sarah Hawkins''': ''[Menu to Dr. Delbert Doppler]'' Sorry, Delbert. It's been a madhouse here all morning. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': No problem, Sarah. Ah, my Alponian chowder with the extra Solara seed. Mmm! Yum! ''[Doppler wants to start eating his meal, but notices a frog-like girl staring at him]'' Hello. What brings you here, curious little... one? ''[Doppler picks up a spoonful of his meal, but pauses again when the girl continues starting at him; waving his hand to send her off]'' Go away. ''[Slight pause]'' Are your parents around? ''[Slight pause again]'' Now, what's the matter? Cat got your... :''[He yelps as the girl shoots out a frog-like tongue and catches the food on Doppler's spoon, then skips away happily]'' :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Oh, they're so adorable at that age! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Oh, yes. Deplorable. Uh-- adorable. Hmm. Speaking of which, how's Jim doing? :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Much better. I know he's had a few rough spots this year, but I really think he's starting to turn a corner. :''[The door opens; two police robots are escorting Jim]'' :'''Police Robot 1''': Mrs. Hawkins? :'''Sarah Hawkins''': ''[Drop dishes]'' Jim! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Ooh, wrong turn. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[casually]'' Okay, Thanks for the lift, guys. :'''Police Robot 2''': Not so fast! :''[Jim has been escorted home by two police robots]'' :'''Police Robot 1''': ''[to Sarah Hawkins]'' We apprehended your son operating a solar vehicle in a restricted area. :'''Police Robot 2''': Moving violation 9-0-4, section 15, paragraph... um... :'''Jim Hawkins''': Six? :'''Police Robot 2''': Thank you. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Don't mention it. :'''Sarah Hawkins''': ''[in exasperation]'' Jim! :'''Police Robot 1''': As you are aware, ma'am, this constitutes a violation of his probation. :'''Sarah Hawkins''': ''[stuttering for an explanation]'' Yes, yes-- No, I mean, I understand, but, um, co-couldn't we just-? :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[interrupting]'' Um, pardon me, officers, if I might, uh, interject here? I am the noted astrophysicist Dr. Delbert Doppler. Perhaps you've heard of me? ''[awkward silence]'' No? I have a clipping. :'''Police Robot 1''': Are you the boy's father? :'''Delbert and Sarah''': Oh! Good heavens, no! :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Eww! He's just an old friend of the family. :'''Both Police Robots''': ''[to Delbert]'' Back off, sir! :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Thank you, Delbert. ''I'' will take it from here. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Well, Sarah, if you insist. ''[under his breath]'' Don't ever let me do that again. :'''Police Robot 1''': ''[to Sarah]'' Due to repeated violations of statute 15-C, we have impounded his vehicle. Any more slip-ups will result in a one-way ticket to Juvenile Hall. :'''Police Robot 2''': Kiddie hoosegow. :'''Police Robot 1''': The slammo. :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Thank you, officers. ''[towards Jim, firmly]'' It won't happen again. :'''Police Robot 1''': We see his type all the time, ma'am. :'''Police Robot 2''': Wrong choices. :'''Police Robot 1''': Dead-enders. :'''Police Robot 2''': Losers. :''[Jim glares at them]'' :'''Police Robot 1''': ''[tips his hat]'' You take care now. :'''Police Robot 2''': Let's motor. :''[They depart, leaving an awkward silence behind them]'' :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Jim, I have ''had it''. Do you want to go to Juvenile Hall? Is that it? ''[Jim looks away it doesn't answer, take a rectangular plate and put food on the plate]'' Jim? Jim, look at me. It's been hard enough keeping this place afloat by myself without ''you'' go- :'''Jim Hawkins''': Mom, is no big deal! There was nobody around. Those cops just won't get off my- ''[Sarah stares at him]'' Forget it. :'''Mrs. Dunwiddie''': ''[To Sarah]'' Mrs. Hawkins, then my juice? :'''Sarah Hawkins''': ''[To Mrs. Dunwiddie]'' Yes, I'll be right there, Mrs. Dunwiddie! ''[To Jim]'' Jim, I just don't want to see you throw away your entire future! :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[to himself]'' Yeah, what future...? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim sits on top of the roof in Benbow Inn, he throws acorn in the roof]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': I really don't know how you manage it, Sarah. Trying to run a business while raising a felon like-- felon... fellow... fellow like Jim. :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Manage it? I'm at the end of my rope. Ever since his father left, well... Jim's just never recovered. And You know how smart he is. He built his first solar surfer when he was 8! And yet, he's failing at school, he is constantly in trouble, and whenever I talk to him, he's like a stranger to me. I don't know, Delbert. I've tried everything. :''[A ship crash-lands on the Benbow Inn's pier. Jim rushes over and knocks on the door's window]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Hey, mister? Hey, mister, you're okay in there, right? :''[A clawed hand slams against the window, startling Jim. The door opens and Billy Bones, a tortoise-like alien, emerges with a small storage chest]'' :'''Billy Bones''': ''[first words; coughs, grabs Jim's collar]'' He's a-comin'. Can ya hear 'im? ''[extending his neck towards Jim]'' Those gears and gyros, clickin' and whirrin' like the devil himself! :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[nervously]'' Uh, hit your head there pretty hard, didn't ya? :'''Billy Bones''': ''[lifting up his chest]'' He's after me chest. That fiendish cyborg, an' his band of cutthroats...! But they'll have to pry it from ol' Billy Bones' cold, dead fingers afore I-- ''[collapses, dropping the chest and coughing uncontrollably]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Oh, my... Uh, come on, give me your arm. ''[holding him up]'' That's it. ''[helps Bones back to the Inn, with the chest]'' :'''Billy Bones''': ''[weakly]'' Good lad... :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[drily]'' Mom's gonna ''love'' this. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Raining in the Inn, as Sarah closing a window slide it]'' :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Thanks for listening, Delbert. ''[sighs]'' It helps. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[patient realize]'' It's going to be okay. You'll see. :'''Sarah Hawkins''': I keep dreaming one day I'll open that door, ''[looks at video recordings of a younger Jim]'' and there he'll be, just the way he was. A smiling, happy little boy, holding a new pet and begging me to let him keep it. ''[chuckles]'' :''[Delbert opens the front door, revealing Jim carrying Billy Bones]'' :'''Sarah Hawkins''': ''[gasps]'' James Pleiades Hawkins--! :'''Jim Hawkins''': Mom, he's hurt! Bad! ''[lays Bones onto the floor]'' :'''Billy Bones''': ''[weakly]'' Me chest, lad. ''[Jim pushes his chest towards him, and he enters a combination, making it open]'' He'll be comin' soon... ''[takes out a wrapped bundle]'' Can't let them find this! :'''Jim Hawkins''': Who's coming? :'''Billy Bones''': ''[last words before his death; pulls Jim towards him and whispers in his ear]'' The cyborg! Beware the cyborg! ''[gasps]'' :''[Jim holding Bones laying down slowly and dies]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[after seeing the crooks]'' Quick! We gotta go! ''[grabs Sarah's hand and runs]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[after almost getting blasted]'' I believe I'm with Jim on this one. :''[Getting shot laser beams destroys in Inn, the crooks opens door, encounter by the shadow of Silver, Billy Bones dying]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[look down the window a camel-like alien name Delilah as a carriage]'' Delilah! Hallelujah! ''[Delilah yelping excitedly]'' Stay, don't move! :'''Mertock''': Where is it?! :'''Blinko''': It's got to be around here somewhere! :'''Long John Silver''': ''[as the shadowing and the crew chasing them]'' Find it! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Don't worry, Sarah. I'm an expert in the laws of physical science. On the count to 3...1- :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[Push off down in the carriage to Delilah]'' Three! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[After destroys an Benbow Inn, Delilah as a vehicle to leave from the Inn at once]'' Go, Delilah! Go! Go! That's it! That's it, Go! ''[Sarah looking a Benbow Inn it burn by fire. after chased by Silver's crew to them]'' H-yah, H-yah! :''[Delbert riding on his carriage with Jim and Sarah leaving from the Inn, Bones gotta present to him, the treasure map]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[as inside the Doppler's house]'' I just spoke with the constabulary. Those blaggard pirates have fled without a trace. ''[clock chimes]'' I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm afraid, the old Benbow Inn has burned to the ground. ''[Pauses to Jim and Sarah while in the fire in sanctuary, clears throat]'' Well, certainly a lot of trouble over that odd little sphere. Those markings, baffle me. Unlike anything I've ever encountered. Even with my vast experience and superior intellect. It'll you take me years to unlock its-- Hey! ''[Jim opens a discovering the map to Treasure Planet]'' What? It's a map! Wait, wait, wait, wait! This is us, the Planet Montressor. ''[Touch a planet it spacing around the map]'' That's the magellanic cloud! Whoo! The coral galaxy! That was Cygnus cross and that's the Kerian Abyss. Wait. What's this? What's this? Why, it's...it's... :'''Jim Hawkins''': Treasure Planet. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[in disbelief]'' No! :'''Jim Hawkins''': That's Treasure Planet! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Flint's Trove? The loot of a thousand worlds? Do you know what this means? :'''Jim Hawkins''': It means that all that treasure is only a boat ride away. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Whoever brings it back. Would hold an eternal place atop the pantheon of explorers! He'd be able to experience-- ''[The map turns off click]'' Whoo! What just happened? :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[after discovering the map to Treasure Planet]'' Mom, this is it! This is the answer to all our problems! :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Jim, there is absolutely no way- :'''Jim Hawkins''': Don't you remember? All those stories? :'''Sarah Hawkins''': That's all they were; ''stories!'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[frustrated]'' With that treasure, we could rebuild the Benbow a hundred times over! :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Well, this- it's just- oh, my. Delbert, would you please explain how ridiculous this is? :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': It's totally preposterous, traversing the entire galaxy alone. :''[Jim rolls his eyes]'' :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Now at last, we hear some sense. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': That's why I'm going with you! ''[pulls out a suitcase]'' :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Delbert! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[runs around packing things]'' I'll use my savings to finance an expedition; I'll commission a ship, hire a captain and a crew...! :'''Sarah Hawkins''': You're not serious? :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[slides down a tower of books]'' All my life, I've been waiting for an opportunity like this, and here it is screaming! "Go, Delbert! Go, Delbert...!" :'''Sarah Hawkins''': ''[frustrated]'' Okay, okay! You're ''both'' grounded! ''[sighs]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Mom, look. I know that I keep messing everything up. And I know...that I let you down. But this is my chance to make it up to you. I'm gonna set things right. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Sarah? ''[makes a "come over here" gesture]'' If I may? ''[quietly speaks to her]'' You said yourself; you've tried ''everything''. There are much worse remedies than a few character-building months in space. :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Are you saying this because it's the right thing, or because ''you'' really wanna go? :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': I really, really, really, ''really'' want to go. ''[Sarah rolls her eyes, smiling]'' ''And'' it's the right thing. :''[Sarah turns to Jim with a worried expression]'' :'''Sarah Hawkins''': Jim... I don't wanna lose you. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[smiles]'' Mom... You won't. We'll make you proud. :''[Sarah smiles back]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Well, ahem, there we are, then. We'll begin preparations at once. Jim, my boy, soon we'll be off to the spaceport! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Jim! Oh, Jim, wait for me! ''[On the trip, he wears an astronaut with his backpack, under the plugging on each spacesuit. It takes off the helmet glass while waiting for Jim]'' Well, Jim, this should be a wonderful opportunity for the two of us to get to know one and another. You know what they say, familiarity breeds, um... well, contempt, but in our case-- :'''Jim Hawkins''': Look, let's just find the ship. Okay? :''[Delbert tap by Astronaut helmet glass and back in]'' :'''Robot''': ''[To Jim]'' Second berth on your right! :'''Monster''': You can't miss it. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Hey, thanks. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': It's the suit isn't it? I should never have listened to that pushy two-headed saleswoman. This one said it fit, that one said it was my color... I didn't know what to do. I get so flustered! ''[Push to Jim around in the line and look the R.L.S. Legacy Ship]'' Ooh! Oh! Jim, this is our ship! The R.L.S. Legacy! :'''Jim Hawkins''': Whoa. :''[Mr. Arrow, a giant rock-like being, muscular gray rock, black hat, red jacket, light gray pants and black shoes, he's the leader of the Captain's mate in the R.L.S. Legacy]'' :'''Mr. Arrow''': ''[first words; to crew]'' Stow those casks forward, ''[Two hands covering his mouth]'' heave together now! :'''Jim Hawkins''': How cool is this. ''[push to Mr. Zoff squishing noise]'' Sorry about that. I didn't mean-- :'''Mr. Zoff''': ''[Angry farting noises]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Allow me to handle this. :''[Delbert stick your tongue out, it raspberry spitting and making noises astronaut]'' :'''Mr. Zoff''': ''[Chuckling, Eek Pfft]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': I'm fluent in flatula, Jim. "Took 2 years of it in high school." :''[Delbert take arm and stick your tongue out raspberry noise again]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Flatula? Cool. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[To Mr. Arrow]'' Good morning, Captain. Everything ship shape? :'''Mr. Arrow''': Ship shape it is, sir. But I'm not the captain. ''[To Captain Amelia]'' The Captain's aloft. :''[Captain Amelia appears in the R.L.S. Legacy, who likes to be a cat-like human to meeting, Jim and Delbert had it needed]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[sternly]'' Mr. Arrow, I've checked this miserable ship from stem to stern and as usual it's... ''[smiles]''... spot on. Can you get nothing wrong? :'''Mr. Arrow''': You flatter me, Captain. :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[To Delbert]'' Ah, Doctor Doppler, I presume? :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Uh, um, Yes, I... :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[Knocking on Astronaut helmet]'' Hello! ''Can you hear me''?! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Yes, I can! Stop that banging! :'''Captain Amelia''': You know, doctor, this works so much better when this... ''[Turns device in front of spacesuit]'' is right side up, and... ''[Pulls out a power cord and plugs it into the back of the suit]'' plugged in. Lovely, there you go. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[Take off the Space helmet]'' If you don't mind, I can manage my own plugging. :'''Captain Amelia''': I'm Captain Amelia, late of a few run-ins with the Procyon Armada. Nasty business, but I won't bore you with my scars. You've met my first officer, Mr. Arrow. Sterling, tough, dependable, honest, brave and true. :'''Mr. Arrow''': Please, Captain. :'''Captain Amelia''': Oh, shut up, Arrow. You know I don't mean a word of it. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Ahem, excuse me. I hate to interrupt this lovely banter, but may I introduce to you, Jim Hawkins? Jim, you see, is the boy who found the treasure-- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Amelia''': Doctor...to mule and blabber about a treasure map in front of this particular crew demonstrates a level of ineptitude that borders on the imbecilic. And I mean that is a very caring way. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[taken aback]'' "Imbecilic," did you say? Foolishness! I've got- :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[interrupting]'' May I see the map, please? :''[Delbert looks at Jim, Jim has a refusing look on his face. Delbert then gestures for him to give it up in a more serious manner. Jim tosses the map to the Captain]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[flatly]'' Here. :''[The Captain catches the Map, then looks at it with an observing smile]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': Hmm! Fascinating. ''[She then heads over to a cabinet and places the Map in a small chest]'' Mr. Hawkins, in the future, you will address me as "Captain" or "Ma'am." Is that clear? :''[Jim doesn't reply, but instead, rolls his eyes and looks away]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[glances back at Jim with a serious look and speaks in a more serious tone]'' Mr. Hawkins? :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[flatly and somewhat annoyed, but still respectful]'' Yes, ma'am. :'''Captain Amelia''': That'll do. ''[closes the cabinet and locks it. Puts the key in her pocket]'' Gentlemen, this must be kept under lock and key when not in use. And, Doctor, again - with the greatest possible respect - ''zip your howling screamer.'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Captain, I assure you that-- :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[interrupting]'' Let me make this as... ''monosyllabic'' as possible. I... don't much care for this crew you hired. They're-- How did I describe them, Arrow? I said something rather good this morning before coffee. :'''Mr. Arrow''': "A ludicrous parcel of driveling galoots", ma'am. :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[smiles smugly]'' There you go, poetry. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[indignant]'' Now, see here-! :'''Captain Amelia''': Doctor, I'd love to chat - tea, cake, the whole shebang - but I have a ship to launch, and you've got your outfit to buff up. Mr. Arrow, please escort these two neophytes down to the galley straightaway. Young Hawkins will be working for our cook, Mr. Silver. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[stops poking at a navigation tool and looks up, surprised]'' W-uh, what? The ''cook?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Down at the galley]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': That woman! That... ''feline!'' Whom does she think is working for whom?! :'''Jim Hawkins''': It's ''my'' map, and she's got me bussin' tables- :'''Mr. Arrow''': ''[sternly interrupting]'' I'll not tolerate a cross word about our captain! There's no finer officer in this or any galaxy. :''[They see Silver standing in a dark corner with a knife, whistling]'' :'''Mr. Arrow''': Mr. Silver! ''[Silver turns around to greet the trio, revealing his mechanical arm, leg, ear, and eye]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Why, Mr. Arrow, sir! Bringing such fine-lookin' distinguished gents to brace me humble galley? Had I known, I'd have tucked in me shirt! ''[tucks in his apron and chuckles while Jim observes his mechanical body parts]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[whispering to himself, remembering Billy Bones's dying warning]'' A cyborg! :'''Mr. Arrow''': May I introduce Dr. Doppler, the financier of our voyage. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[uses his cyborg eye to observe Doppler's suit]'' Love the outfit, doc! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[Uncomfortably]'' Uh... thank you. Love the eye! ''[Trying to divert Silver's attention]'' This young lad is Jim Hawkins. :'''Long John Silver''': Jimbo! ''[Holds out his arm for Jim to shake it, but there are five sharp tools instead of five fingers. Silver notices and switches it to a hand. Jim glares at the arm and Silver untrusting. Silver simply smiles and prepares a dish]'' Ah, now, don't be too put off by this hunk o' hardware. ''[Switches from hand to small knife-like kitchen scissors and slices up some shellfish into a pan. Switches from scissors to cleaver to cut up some vegetables, but he does this without looking and almost cuts off his left hand. Has a shocked look and then just smiles again]'' Whoa! Heh-heh. ''[Switches the cyborg arm from cleaver to three clawed mini-arms. Throws three eggs and cracks them into the pan]'' These gears have been tough gettin' used to, but they do come in mighty handy from time to time. ''[Switches his arm as he throws the pan on top and fire comes shooting out for a couple of seconds. Pours the stew into a pot set on top of an open stove and adds some salt. Takes out a spoon and tries it to see if it's just right. Has an approving smile on his face. Pours some stew into two bowls, one for Delbert and one for Jim]'' Here, now. Have a taste of me famous Bonzabeast Stew. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[sniffing, and then tasting the stew]'' Mmm! Delightfully tangy, yet robust. :'''Long John Silver''': Old family recipe. ''[Doppler sees an eyeball float to the top of the stew and yelps]'' In fact, that was part of the old family! ''[laughs heartily]'' Ah, I'm just kiddin', doc. ''[Takes out the eye and swallows it]'' I'm nuttin' if I ain't a kidder. ''[Sees Jim hesitating]'' Go on, Jimbo, have a swig. ''[Jim looks at the spoon again. Suddenly the top turns into a little pink face stuffed with the stew. The rest of the spoon does the same, revealing the form of smiling, pink blob. Turns into a straw and devours the rest of the stew in a flash]'' Morph! You jiggle-headed blob o' mischief! So ''that's'' where you was hidin'! ''[Morph peeks over the top of the bowl, chatters, then belches. He floats up and rubs against Jim's cheek]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Heh. What is that thing? :'''Morph''': ''[imitating Jim]'' "What is that thing?" :''[Jim touches Morph, who then shapeshifts into a miniature version of Jim]'' :'''Long John Silver''': He's a Morph. I rescued the little shapeshifter on Proteus One. ''[Morph transforms back and floats over the Silver; they cuddle each other]'' Aw, he took a shine to me. We've been together ever since. ''[Bell rings up on deck]'' :'''Mr. Arrow''': We're about to get underway. Would you like to observe the launch, Doctor? :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[thrilled]'' Would I?! Does an active galactic nucleus have superluminal jets?! ''[awkward silence]'' I'll follow you. ''[Jim starts to follow them out, but is stopped by Arrow]'' :'''Mr. Arrow''': Mr. Hawkins will stay here, in your charge, Mr. Silver. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[spits out the stew, surprised]'' Begging your pardon, sir, but, uh- :'''Mr. Arrow''': Captain's orders! See to it the new cabin boy's kept busy. :''[Both Jim and Silver attempt to protest, giving up simultaneously as Arrow departs]'' :'''Long John Silver''': So... Cap'n's put you with me, eh? ''[walks around Jim]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[flatly]'' Whatever. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[smiles and starts to prepare another dish]'' Ah, who be a humble cyborg to argue with a Cap'n? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Yeah... ''[Grabs a purp from a barrel and starts to walk around]'' Ya know... These purps, they're kinda like the ones back home... On Montressor. Ya ever been there? :'''Long John Silver''': Ah... Can't says I have, Jimbo. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[taking a bite out of the purp]'' Come to think of it, just before I left, I met this old guy who was, uh... He was kind of looking for a cyborg buddy of his. :'''Long John Silver''': Is that so? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Yeah. What was that old salamander's name? Oh, yeah. Bones. ''Billy'' Bones? :'''Long John Silver''': Bones? ''BONES?'' ...Eh, 'tain't ringin' any bells. Must've been a different cyborg. There's a slew of cyborgs roamin' this port. :'''Mr. Arrow''': ''[Off-screen; whistle on-deck]'' Prepare to cast off! :'''Long John Silver''': Eh, off with you, lad, and watch the launch. There'll be plenty work a-waitin' for you afterwards. ''[Jim walks away the Galley, Silver watch him walk off, as Morph eating cracker]'' We best be keeping a sharp eye on this one, eh, Morph? We wouldn't want him strayin' into things he shouldn't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Onus''': ''[as the ready the R.L.S. Lagacy launched the Montressor Spaceport]'' We're all clear, Captain! :'''Captain Amelia''': Well, my friend. Are we ready to raise this creaking tub? :'''Mr. Arrow''': My pleasure, Captain. ''[to crew]'' All hands to stations! ''[Jim sees the crews away the R.L.S. Legacy]'' Smatly now! :'''Krailoni''': Come on, you scurvy scum! I’ll race you! :''[climbs up the ship and takes a solar sails]'' :'''Mr. Arrow''': Loose all solar sails! :''[The crews pull up the rope an open a solar sails, Jim push around to Crex]'' :'''Crex''': Come on! :''[The ship is ready take off in Spaceport]'' :'''Mr. Arrow''': Heave up the braces! Brace up! :''[The gravity goes down, Grewnge get ready to launch, and the others in R.L.S Legacy, they have float in the air]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': Mr. Zoff? Engage artificial gravity! :'''Mr. Zoff''': ''[sucker feet Farting noises]'' Poomp, poomp, poomp, poomph! :''[Engine the gravity pulls down in the ship]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': South by southwest, Mr. Turnbuckle? Heading 2-1-0-0. :'''Mr. Turnbuckle''': Aye, Captain. 2-1-0-0. :'''Captain Amelia''': Full speed, Mr. Arrow, if you please. :'''Mr. Arrow''': Take her away! :''[Grewnge takes steer off the ship heading to South to West]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': Brace yourself, Doctor. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[Snidely]'' "Brace yourself." :''[The Ship blast off, Doppler screams zoom an Astronaut against the ship. The ship launch at Montressor Spaceport]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Whoa! :''[A flying whales called an Ocrus Galacticus are large space borne whale-like creatures. Jim sees a Ocrus Galacticus in the space between the ship Etherium]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Upon my word, an Orcus Galacticus. ''[Take an Astronaut photographer camera to take a picture an Ocrus Galacticus]'' Smile! :'''Captain Amelia''': Uh, Doctor, I'd stand clear-- :''[Orcus Galacticus shoots a blowhole just like a whale to Doppler it disgusted an camera print photo]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Ahh, 'tis a grand day for sailing, Cap'n. And look at you! You're as trim and as bonnie as a sloop with new sails and a fresh coat of paint! :''[takes off his hat and bows to her]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': You can keep that kind of flim-flammery for your spaceport floozies, Silver! :'''Morph''': ''[turns into a miniature Captain Amelia and mockingly imitates her]'' Spaceport floozies, spaceport floozies! :'''Long John Silver''': ''[hurriedly hides Morph under his hat]'' Aw, you cut me to the quick, Captain. I speaks nuttin' but me heart at all times- :'''Morph''': ''[starts raising Silver's hat, this time imitating Silver]'' Nuttin' but me heart! :'''Long John Silver''': ''[nervously]'' A-hem! :'''Captain Amelia''': And, um, by the way. Isn't that your captain boy, aimlessly footling about in those shrouds? :'''Long John Silver''': Yep, it--oh... A momentary aberration, Cap'n, soon to be addressed. ''[To Jim]'' Jimbo! I've got two new friends I'd like you to meet. Say hello to Mr. Mop and Mrs. Bucket! ''[laughing]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[flatly]'' Yippee. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[Mopping in the deck]'' Yeah, I got your Mr. Mop. :''[Hands walks and push to Jim move around it]'' :'''Hands''': ''[threatens Jim]'' Watch it, twerp! ''[Walks away, Jim stands and look to the crews. Unfortunately, the crews turns toward to Jim, and he has a mop]'' :'''Hedley''': What are you looking at, weirdo? ''[Head off with the body]'' :'''Torrance''': Yeah, weirdo. ''[Jim stands and hold a mop to do, Scroop appears to him]'' :'''Scroop''': ''[first words]'' Well, well, well. What have we here? A cabin boy. Cabin boys should learn to mind their own business. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Why? You got something to hide, bright-eyes? :''[Angered, humiliated, and insulted, Scroop snatches Jim up]'' :'''Scroop''': Maybe your ears don't work so well. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Yeah. ''[grunts]'' Too bad my ''nose'' works just fine. :'''Scroop''': Why, you impudent little...! :''[Scroop slams Jim against the mast. Members of the crew gather to egg him on]'' :'''Krailoni''': Go ahead! Slice him, dice him! :'''Scroop''': ''[holding a claw to Jim's throat]'' Any last words, cabin boy? :'''Long John Silver''': ''[grabs Scroop's claw]'' Mr. Scroop... you ever see what happens to a fresh purp when you squeeze ''real hard?'' ''[he squeezes Scroop's claw, making him gasp in pain and drop Jim]'' :'''Mr. Arrow''': ''[approaching]'' What's all this, then? You know the rules. There'll be no brawling on this ship. Any further offenders will be confined to the brig for the remainder of the voyage. ''[glares at Scroop]'' Am I clear, Mr. Scroop? :'''Scroop''': ''[glares at Mr. Arrow, but is given a warning scowl by Silver]'' Transparently. ''[turns red in the face out of anger and gives one last glare at Arrow as he and the other ship members leave]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Well, done, Mr. Arrow, sir! A tight ship's a happy ship, sir! ''[angrily grabs the mop and turns towards Jim]'' Jimbo, I gave you a job! :'''Jim Hawkins''': Hey, I was doing it, until that bug thing... :'''Long John Silver''': ''BELAY THAT!'' ''[hands Jim the mop]'' Now, I want this deck swabbed spotless, and heaven help ye if I come back and it's not done! Morph? ''[Morph appears]'' Keep an eye on this pup, let me know if there be anymore distractions. :'''Morph''': OK. Aye-yie! ''[Morph's eyes become big as he stares at Jim while he mops]'' :'''Long John Silver''': ''[Inside the galley with the crew gumbling]'' So, we're all here, then. :'''Onus''': Excuse me. :'''Long John Silver''': Fine. ''[speaking to his crew; raises his voice and swings his sword around]'' Now, If you're pardon my plain speakin', gentlemen, are you all '''''STARK-RAVING, TOTALLY BLINKING DAFT?!''''' After all me finaglin' getting us hired as an upstandin' crew, you want to blow the whole mutiny before it's time?! :'''Scroop''': The boy was sniffing about. :'''Long John Silver''': You just stick to the plan, you bug-brained ''twit''. ''[Referring to Jim]'' As for the boy, I'll run him so ragged he won't have time to think. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Jim's argument with Scroop, Jim continues mopping the deck while Morph keeps an eye on him]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Well, this has been a fun day, huh? Making new friends, like that spider psycho. :'''Morph''': ''[turns into a miniature version of Scroop and tiptoes towards Jim creepily]'' Spider psycho. Spider psycho. :'''Jim Hawkins''': A little uglier. :'''Morph''': ''[laughs maniacally]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Pretty close. :''[Morph shrugs]'' :'''Long John Silver''': ''[Morph turns back to normal when John Silver walks on the deck to dump out the trash]'' Well, thank heavens to little miracles. Up here for an hour, and the deck's still in one piece. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Um... look, I... what you did, thanks. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[looks at him sympathetically]'' Didn't your pap ever teach you to pick your fights a bit more carefully? ''[Jim looks away]'' Your father not the teachin' sort? :'''Jim Hawkins''': No. He was more the taking-off-and-never-coming-back sort. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[sympathetically]'' Oh... Sorry, lad. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Hey, no big deal. I'm doing just fine. :'''Long John Silver''': Is that so? ''[smirks]'' Well, since the Captain has put you in my charge, like it or not, I'll be pounding a few skills into that thick head of yours to keep you out of trouble. :'''Jim Hawkins''': What? :'''Long John Silver''': From now on, I'm not letting you out of me sight! :'''Jim Hawkins''': You can't d-! :'''Long John Silver''': You won't so much as eat, sleep, or ''scratch your '''BUM''''' without my say-so! :'''Jim Hawkins''': Don't do me any favors! :'''Long John Silver''': Oh, you can be sure of that, lad! You can be sure of that! ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Long John Silver''': Put some elbow into it. :''[John Rzeznik music playing a song [[w:I'm Still Here (Jim's Theme)|I'm Still Here (Jim's Theme)]]]'' :'''John Rzeznik''': ''[singing]'' I am a question to the world, not and answer to be heard, or a moment that's held in your arms / And what do you think you'd ever say? / I won't listen anyway / You don't know me, and I'll never be what you want me to be...| And what do you think you'd understand? I'm a boy no, I'm a man / You can't take me and throw me away / And how can you learn what's never shown / Yeah you stand here on your own / They don't know me, 'cause I'm not here!| And I want a moment to be real / Wanna touch things I don't feel / Wanna hold on and feel I belong / And how can the world want me to change? They're the ones that stay the same / They don't know me, 'cause I'm not here!| And you see the things they never see / All you wanted I could be / Now you know me and I'm not afraid / And I wanna tell you who I am / Can you help me be a man? They can't break me / As long as I know who I am...| And I want a moment to be real / Wanna touch things I don't feel / Wanna hold on and feel I belong / And how can the world want me to change? They're the ones that stay the same / They can't see me? But, I'm still here...| They can't tell me who to be / 'Cause I'm not what they see / Yeah, the world is still sleeping, while I keep on dreaming for me / And the words are just whispers and lies / That I'll never believe...| And I want a moment to be real / Wanna touch things I don't feel / We want to hold on and feel I belong. :'''Long John Silver''': WHOA! :'''John Rzeznik''': ''[singing]'' And how can they say I'll never change? They're the ones that stay the same / I'm the one now, 'cause I'm still here...| I'm the one, 'cause I'm still here / I'm still here / I'm still here / I'm still here... ''[song fades]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back on the R.L.S. Legacy, Jim and Silver up into the ship, there tightening up the ropes called a lifelines inside the ship]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Oh, ho, ho! :'''Jim Hawkins''': You having a little trouble there? :'''Long John Silver''': Oh, get away from me. ''[They laughing]'' Oh, Jimbo, if I could maneuver a skiff like that when I was your age, they'd be bowing in the streets when I walked by today! ''[slumps back against the boat's side]'' :'''Morph''': ''[turns into a miniature Silver and slumps back]'' Bowing in the streets! :'''Jim Hawkins''': Heh, I don't know, they weren't exactly singing my praises when I left home. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[wiping a towel makes a sweat]'' Heh. Whew. :'''Jim Hawkins''': But I'm gonna change all that. :'''Long John Silver''': Are you now? How so? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Uh, I got some plans. Gonna make people see me a little different. :'''Long John Silver''': Ooh. Sometimes - plans go astray. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Not this time. :'''Long John Silver''': Hmm. :''[Silver tends to his mechanical leg; Morph turns into a wrench which Silver uses to tighten a joint]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Ah, thank you, Morphy. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[referring to Silver's robotic leg and arm]'' So, uh, how'd that happen anyway? :'''Long John Silver''': You give up a few things...chasin' a dream. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Was it worth it? :'''Long John Silver''': Heh. ''[sighs]'' I'm hoping it is, Jimbo. I most surely am. :''[Heard an the supernova]'' :'''Long John Silver''': What the devil? :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Good heavens. ''[took a telescope to Supernova]'' The star Pelusa... it's ''gone'' [[w:Supernova (2000 film)|'''Supernova!''']] :'''Captain Amelia''': Evasive action, Mr. Turnbuckle! :'''Mr. Turnbuckle''': Aye-aye, Captain. :''[Ship blast it by Cosmic Storm]'' :'''Mr. Arrow''': ''[to crew]'' All hands, fasten your lifelines! :''[Crews move out the R.L.S Legacy all grabs the lifelines, the supernova blow them out]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': Mr. Arrow, secure those sails! :'''Mr. Arrow''': Secure all sails! Reef them down, men! :''[the pirates are tighting the ropes; Grewnge shoots the cannons to fire balls]'' :'''Grewnge''': Yeah, baby! Ba-boom! Ha-ha-ha-ha! :''[The crews pulled through the ropes secure those sails, Jim and Silver are tight in shoots fires at him, Silver pain the right cyborg arm]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Silver! :''[Jim grabs a rope, and saving Silver in the mast]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Whoa. Thanks, lad. :''[Jim helps Silver holding on each left shoulder in the ship, Grewnge still shooting an cannons to supernova and everyone scares off the supernova by the storms]'' :'''Onus''': ''[as the Cosmic Storm heading to Blackhole]'' Captain, the star! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[sees a star calls the black hole]'' It's... devolving into a... ''[Gasps]'' a [[w:black hole|'''BLACK HOLE''']]! :'''Mr. Turnbuckle''': '''WE'RE BEING PULLED IN!!''' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[Turn around the ship's wheel]'' ''No'' you ''don't''! You... ''[Trying to navigate out of the black hole]'' Blast these waves! They're so deucedly erratic! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': No, Captain! They're not erratic at all! There'll be one more in precisely 47.2 seconds, followed by the biggest magilla of them ''all''! :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[Excitedly smiles]'' Of course! Brilliant, Doctor! We'll ride that last magilla out of here! :'''Mr. Arrow''': All sails secured, Captain! :'''Captain Amelia''': Good man! Now release them immediately! :'''Mr. Arrow''': ''[last words before his death]'' Aye, Captain. ''[to crew]'' You heard her, men! Unfurl those sails! :'''Krailoni''': What?! :'''Torrance''': But we just finished! :'''Hedley''': Tying them down! :'''Krailoni''': Make up your blooming minds! ''[Mr. Arrow climbs up a ladder in his ship]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[To Jim]'' Mr. Hawkins, make sure all lifelines are secured good and tight! :'''Jim Hawkins''': Aye-aye, Captain! ''[Mr. Arrow, Scroop and the crew all the lifelines secured solars in this ship, Jim tighten up lifelines 3 times a role]'' Lifelines secured, Captain! :'''Captain Amelia''': Very good! :''[Meanwhile, while everyone else is focused on saving their own lives, Scroop sneaks onto the ship's mast, Mr. Arrow falls down and looks at Scroop is about to do. It cuts lifeline, Mr. Arrow causing falls to his deaths into the singularity of the blackholes]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Captain, '''the last wave!! HERE IT COMES!!!''' :'''Captain Amelia''': HOLD ON TO YOUR LIFELINES, GENTS! IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE! ''[The R.L.S. Legacy falling down, Morph turns into the lifeline, Silver praying for Jim on each hand into a black hole, suddenly, it blast off like a rocket takes off the black hole]'' :''[Captain Amelia has just saved the crew from a black hole]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Captain! That-- oh, my goodness. That was-that was absolutely-that was the most- :'''Captain Amelia''': Oh, tish-tosh. Actually, Doctor, your astronomical advice was most helpful. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Well, uh, uh- thank you. Thank you very much. Well, I have a lot of help to offer anatomically-amanamonically-uh-astronomically. ''[slaps himself on forehead]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[To Jim and Silver]'' Well, I must congratulate you, Mr. Silver. It seems your cabin boy did a bang-up job with those lifelines. :''[Both Jim and Silver chuckles are playfully done the lifelines secured]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': All hands accounted for, Mr. Arrow? ''[He is nowhere to be seen]'' Mr. Arrow? :'''Scroop''': ''[Approaches, holding Arrow's hat, then to Amelia]'' I'm afraid Mr. Arrow has been lost, I swear. ''[Amelia stares at the hat in horror]'' His lifeline was not secured. ''[The crew members glare at Jim, who was in charge of securing the lifelines. Jim turns to Amelia, who gives him an angrier yet sad look]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': No, I checked them ALL! ''[Jim pushed the crew aside to reveal that Arrow's lifeline is missing]'' I did. I checked them all. They were secure. I swear... :''[Amelia stares at Jim. Silver and Morph turns to Scroop gives a evilly smile look, while Silver gives disobey angry look at him]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[her eulogy for Mr. Arrow]'' Mr. Arrow was a... ''[clears throat]'' fine spacer. Finer than most of us could ever hope to be. But he knew the risks, as do we all. Resume your posts. We carry on. ''[walks away in the cabin, Jim looks shocked and runs away in the deck, as Silver and Morph comfort Jim, convincing him not to give up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is brooding on the rigging after Mr. Arrow's death, moving a piece of rope through his hands, when Silver stands next to him smoking his pipe. After a long pause, Silver speaks]'' :'''Long John Silver''': It weren't your fault, you know. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[sighs deeply]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Why, half the crew would be spinning in that black abyss if not for- ''[Jim angrily tosses the rope he's holding off the ship and jumps down onto the deck next to Silver]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Look, don't you get it?! I screwed up! I mean, for two seconds, I thought that maybe I could do something right, but...! ''[he then yells in frustration before standing by the mast away from Silver]'' I just...! Just forget it. Forget it. :''[He then places his hand on his forehead, while Silver looks at him with pity, before placing his own hand on Jim's shoulder to turn him around]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Now, you listen to me, James Hawkins. You got the makings of greatness in you, but you gotta take the helm and chart your own course! Stick to it, no matter the squalls! And when the time comes, you'll get the chance to really test the cut of your sails and show what you're made of! And... well, I hope I'm there, catching some of the light coming off you that day. ''[Jim tears, he look at him, it head down Silver's stomach, he begins cries softly, snuffling him, and Silver gives a first hug to Jim]'' There, there. Lad, it's all right, Jimbo. It's all right. ''[clears throat]'' Now, Jim. I, um... I best be getting about my watch, and you best be getting some shut-eye. ''[Jim walks away, until, he gently smiles at him, he looks away back down in a galley]'' Getting in too deep here, Morphy. Next thing ya know, they'll be saying I've gone soft. :''[Morph gives Silver one first cuddle, and chuckles, he walks away at night of the ship, as Scroop is on the Ship's mast]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the next morning, the crews sleeping and snoring in the galley, Jim got Mr. Zoff blow the farting noises and wakes up in hanging bed swing, he take a boot on and another boot, who has the another boot moves in the Treasure chest]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Morph? ''[He's tired about Morph has the Jim's boot]'' Morph, knock it off, is too early. ''[Morph got boot and kicks to Jim's butt]'' Ow! HEY, MORPH! ''[Morph his shoe stick your tongue raspberry to him and switch purp and laughing and take Jim's boot, but Jim catch his boot to Morph]'' Hey, come back here! :'''Morph''': ''[imitating Jim]'' Come back here! :''[as Jim chases to Morph his boot, it jump out and catch it his boot at Morph in the galley]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': GOTCHA! ''[Morph turns into angler fish and spits out at him]'' That's it, you little squid! :'''Morph''': ''[imitating Jim, but Jim get it tap his boot to himself]'' You little squid! You little squid! You little squid, little-little squid-squid-squid-squid-squid! :''[Soon, as Jim looking realize down here in the galley, he's nowhere somewhere, he look down in the barrel saw fruit, morph hiding, and he jump into the barrel of fruit]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Ha! busted! :''[Silver and some of the crew are privately plotting over mutiny. Unbeknownst to them, Jim is watching from within a barrel of fruit]'' :'''Krailoni''': Look, all I'm saying is, we're sick of all this waiting! :'''Hands''': So, there's only three of them left. :'''Grewnge''': We are wanting to move! :'''Long John Silver''': We don't move we got the treasure in hand! :'''Scroop''': I say we kill them all now. ''[Silver steps on one of his six feet with his mechanical leg]'' <big>'''OWWW!!!'''</big> :'''Long John Silver''': ''[grabs him by the neck angrily]'' "I say"?! What's this "I say"?! Disobey my orders again, like that stunt you pulled with Mr. Arrow, and so help me, you'll be <big>'''''JOINING HIM!'''''</big> ''[furiously throws him at the barrel]'' :'''Scroop''': Strong talk... but I know otherwise. :''[He reaches into the barrel. Jim passes him a purp to avoid being discovered]'' :'''Long John Silver''': You got something to say, Scroop? :'''Scroop''': ''[smiles sinisterly]'' It's that boy. ''[Silver is unnerved]'' Methinks you have a ''soft''... ''[pierces the fruit with his pincer]'' spot for him. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[pausesly, then regains composure]'' Now mark me, the lot of ya! I care about one thing and one thing only - Flint's trove! You think I'd risk it all for the sake of some... nose-whiping little whelp?! ''[Into the barrel, Jim is shocked and hurt]'' :'''Scroop''': ''[taunting]'' What was it now? "Oh, you got the makings of greatness in ya..." :'''Long John Silver''': SHUT YOUR YAP! I cozied up to the kid to keep him off our scent. But I ain't gone soft! :'''Onus''': ''[off-screen]'' PLANET HO! :''[Silver, Scroop and the other pirates rush up to the deck in excitement. Jim, still shocked, releases Morph to let him go with them]'' :'''Onus''': ''[as the Legacy reaches Treasure Planet]'' There it is! Feast eyes and click heels, if you got 'em! :''[Found the loot of a Thousands worlds of Treasure Planet]'' :'''Long John Silver''': ''[He took a map in the jacket but is not there]'' Where the devil's me glass? ''[telescope to Jim, it looks hurtin and run offs; Silver surprised]'' Jimbo! Playing games... are we? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Yeah. Yeah, we're playing games. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[readying a blaster behind his back]'' Oh, I see. Well, I was never much good at games. Always hated to lose. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[stabs in the Silver's robotric leg]'' Me too! :'''Long John Silver''': ''[Screaming his leg blowing]'' Right-o-- ''[He's got warning eye in sighting to find him and close the door]'' Ohh, blast it all...! ''[Silver blow whistle; after Jim discovers him and his crew planning mutiny]'' Change in plan, lads! '''WE MOVE NOW!''' ''[the cheering to crew planning mutiny]'' Strike our colors, Mr. Onus! :'''Onus''': With pleasure, Captain. :''[The Hands breaks his door discovered and all the guns with the mutiny cheering to find Jim]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[after Jim warns her and Doppler about the crew's mutiny]'' Pirates on my ship?! I'll see they all hang! ''[pass the gun to Doppler]'' Doctor, familiar with these? :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[gun powers up]'' Oh, I've seen the-- Well, I've read-- ''[shoots gun it break the light glass at Amelia]'' Uh, no. No. No, I'm not. :''[Morph looking the map in Amelia's hand, Morph laughs, Jim turn around the lasers of door]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[referring to the map]'' Mr. Hawkins, defended this with all life! ''[throw to Map to Jim, but attempt Morph catches his map]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Morph! ''Give me that!'' :'''Long John Silver''': Oh, you're taking all day about it. ''[Switches his cyborg arm with the gun and blaster the door destroyed by cabin, Jim missing]'' Oh! ''[Grabs Verne and throws him down at the galley]'' Stop them! :''[Jim, Dr. Doppler, Captain Amelia and Morph are chased by the pirates]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Thank you! :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[close the door and put lasers and lock with the crew]'' To the longboats, quickly! :''[Jim and Doppler jump in the longboat, Amelia opens the galleyway, she jumps and in the longboat to Delbert, Morph grab the mouth his map]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': MORPH, NO! :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[while shooting at pirates]'' CHEW ON THIS, YA PUS-FILLED BOILS! :''[After Dr. Doppler shoots a piece of machinery, causing the walkway to break, sending several pirates falling towards Treasure Planet]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[surprised]'' Did you actually aim for that? :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[equally surprised]'' You know, actually I did? :''[Silver wants to try the close the galleyway]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': Oh, blast it! ''[The machinery]'' Doctor, when I say "now," shoot out the forward cable. I'll take this one. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Morph, here! Morph! :'''Long John Silver''': Morph! Morphy, come here. ''[whistling to Morph but know which one]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Morph, Morph. Bringing here. Morph, come here. :'''Long John Silver''': Come here. Come here, boy. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Morph, come over here. :'''Long John Silver''': Come to your dad. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Come here, boy-- :'''Long John Silver''': Come on, Morph. Come on! :'''Jim Hawkins''': Morph, Morph, ''Morph,'' here! :'''Long John Silver''': Morphy? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Morph! :'''Long John Silver''': MORPH! ''[Morph into a rope coil, groans]'' Oh! :''[Silver trying to get it the map in a rope coil, Jim grabs a map, Silver aim and warning at him and Silver sighs]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''NOW!'' :''[Amelia and Dr. Doppler there shoot out the forward cable of longboat out of the galleyway and launch the longboat in the Treasure Planet]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Jim! :'''Captain Amelia''': Parameters met. Hydraulics engine. :'''Grewnge''': ''[Point at Jim, Delbert and Amelia still on the longboat, and he aims it]'' That's it! Come to papa! :'''Long John Silver''': Hold your fire! We'll lose the ''map''! :''[Grewnge shoots the laser ball at the longboat]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Captain, laser ball at 12:00! :''[The laser ball explode to Amelia injury on the side, the longboat landing falls down the Treasure Planet in the sky]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After chased by crews in the ship]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Ow. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Oh my goodness. ''[Put the glasses on]'' That was more fun than I ever want to have again. :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[chuckles]'' That's not one of my... gossamers landings. Unh! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Captain! :''[Amelia got injury bruising her skin after shooting his laser, Jim and Delbert help her and stand up between longboat]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[to Delbert]'' Oh, don't fuss. Slight bruising. That's all. Cup of tea, and I'll be right as rain. ''[to Jim]'' Mr. Hawkins, the map, if you please. :''[Jim pulls out the Map but it turns into Morph, who is laughing]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Morph?! MORPH, WHERE'S THE MAP?! :''[Morph shapeshifts into a rope coil and the Map falling into the coil, meaning the map is still on the ship]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''ARE YOU SERIOUS?! IT'S BACK ON THE SHIP?!'' :'''Captain Amelia''': Stifle that blob and get low. ''[she sees the longboat flying past the sky]'' We've got company. ''[Amelia looks up the longboat and turns to Jim]'' We need a more defensible position. ''[Amelia gives Jim a gun]'' Mr. Hawkins, scout ahead. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Aye, Captain. :'''Captain Amelia''': Unh! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Steady, steady. Now, let's have a look at that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim and Morph wander into the dense woods to find cover; they hear rustling and get the feeling they are being watched by someone. Suddenly a robot jumps out and startles them.]'' :'''B.E.N.''': '''''AAAAAAAAAAAHH!''''' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Aah! :'''B.E.N.''': Oh, this is fantastic! A carbon-based life form come to rescue me at last! I just want to hug you and squeeze you and hold you close to me. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[He hugs Jim tightly.]'' All right. OK. Would you just let go of me?! :'''B.E.N.''': Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. It's just I-I've been marooned for so long, I mean...solitude's fine. Don't get me wrong. For heaven's sakes, after a hundred years... '''''YOU GO A LITTLE NUTS!!!''''' Ha ha ha! I'm sorry. Am I...I am, um...My name is, uh... :'''Morph''': ''[Makes a cuckoo cuckoo noise.]'' :'''B.E.N.''': B.E.N.! Of course, I'm B.E.N. Bioelectronic Navigator. Oops. And you are? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Jim. :'''B.E.N.''': Oh, what a pleasure to meet you, Jimmy. :'''Jim Hawkins''': It's Jim. :'''B.E.N.''': Anyway-- :'''Jim Hawkins''': Look, I'm kind of in a hurry, OK? I gotta find a place to hide, and there's pirates chasing me- :'''B.E.N.''': Oh, pirates! Don't get me started on pirates! I don't like them. I remember Captain Flint. This guy had ''such'' a temper. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Wait, wait, wait. You knew Captain Flint? :'''B.E.N.''': I think he suffered from mood swings, personally. I'm not a therapist in any way, but I-you let me know when I'm rambling! :'''Jim Hawkins''': But then means-- But wait! But then you gotta know - about the treasure? :'''B.E.N.''': Treasure? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Yeah, Flint's trove, you know, uh, the loot of a Thousand worlds? :'''B.E.N.''': It's, well, it's-it's-it's-it's-it's all a little... little... little... fuzzy. Wait. I--I r-r-remember. I do, I-- Treasure! Lots of Treasure! Buried in the centroid - centroid - centroid of the mechanism! And there was this ''big'' door, opening and closing ''and'' opening and closing! And Captain Flint wanted to make sure nobody could ever get to his treasure, so I helped him-- ''[electricity wires stinging his circuit]'' '''NAAAAAAAH ''DATA'' INACCESSIBLE!''' :'''Jim Hawkins''': B.E.N.? :'''B.E.N.''': REBOOT! :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''B.E.N.?'' :'''B.E.N.''': ''REBOOT''! ''REBOOT!'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': '''B.E.N.!''' :'''B.E.N.''': '''REBOOT!''' ''[Jim slaps and stops the electrons at him]'' And you are? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Wait, wait, wait! What about the treasure?! :'''B.E.N.''': I wanna say Larry. :'''Jim Hawkins''': The--The centroid the mechanism, or-- :'''B.E.N.''': I'm sorry. My-my-my memory isn't what it used to be, I've, um, lost my mind! ''[laughs]'' "Lost my mind!" You haven't found it, have you? ''[check the Jim's pocket]'' Uh, my missing piece? My primary [[w:integrated circuit|memory circuit]]? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Look, B.E.N.. I really need to find a place to hide it, okay? So I'm just gonna be, uh... you know, moving on. :'''B.E.N.''': Oh, uh, so, well then... I guess, uh... this is goodbye, huh? Yeah, uh. I-I-I'm sorry, that I'm so... ''[kneeling down in the ground, sadly]'' dysfunctional. So, uh... Go ahead and the... I do understand. I do. Bye-bye. :''[Morph whines]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[sighs]'' Look, if you're gonna come along, you're gonna have to stop talking. :'''B.E.N.''': HUZZAH! Ha-ha-ha! Oh, this is fantastic! Me and my best buddy are lookin' for a... :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[clears throat]'' :'''B.E.N.''': ''[whispers]'' Being quiet. :'''Jim Hawkins''': And you have to stop touching me. :'''B.E.N.''': Touching and talking. Those are my two big no-nos. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Okay. Now, I think we should- :'''B.E.N.''': Say, listen, before we go out on our big search. Um, would you mind it we made a quick pit stop been my place? ''[chuckles]'' Kind of urgent. :'''Jim Hawkins''': B.E.N., I think you solved my problem. <hr width="50%"/> :'''B.E.N.''': ''[To Jim, as Delbert help Amelia in the cubby tree]'' Uh, pardon the mess, people, I yet. You'd think in a 100 years, I've would've dusted a little more often, but, you know and know. ''[picks up a chest game and throw down in the ground, he took a dress]'' When your batchin' it. ''[gasps in glee]'' You tend to, uh, let things go. ''[Delbert holding Amelia and put on the ground]'' Aw, isn't that sweet? I find old-fashioned romance so touching, don't you? How about drinks from the happy couple? :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Ooh, uh, ooh. Uh, no. Ha-ha. ''[take off jacket]'' Thank you we don't drink and the... and the we're not a couple. ''[Amelia smiley emotion; clears throat]'' Look at the these markings. They're identical to the ones of the map. I suspect these are the hieroglyphic remnants of an ancient culture. :'''Captain Amelia''': Mr. Hawkins, stop anyone who tries to approach. Ohh! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[stays down to Amelia with his jacket like the pillow]'' Yes, yes. Now listen to me. Stop giving orders for a few milliseconds, and lie still. :'''Captain Amelia''': Very forceful, Doctor. Go on, say something else. :'''B.E.N.''': Hey, Look! There's some more of your buddies! ''[to crew]'' ''HEY FELLAS!'' WE'RE OVER HERE, FELLAS! ''[pirates aims and shoots at him]'' OH! UHH! OOH! OHH! :''[Jim shoots to crews at the cubby tree house, but Silver tells the crews to stop shooting]'' :'''Long John Silver''': '''STOP WASTING YOUR FIRE!''' ''[approaches the pirates]'' <BIG>'''HELLO, UP THERE!'''</BIG> ''[but what Jim look around at Silver, to get pirate flag from the longboat]'' ''Jimbo?'' If, uh, it's all right with the captain. I'd like a short word with ya. No tricks, just a little palaver. :'''Captain Amelia''': Come to bargain for the map, doubtless. Pestilential. ''[moans]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[sheepishly]'' Captain. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[flatly]'' That means...that he thinks we still have it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Long John Silver''': ''[smiles to Morph]'' Ah, Morphy! I wondered where you was off to. ''[groaning, sit on the rock with the Tree trunk; about stab his robotric leg in the galley]'' Oh, this poor old leg's downright snapped since that game of tag we had in the galley. ''[chuckles at Jim and he gives a scowls at him]'' Whatever you heard back there, at least the part concerning you. I didn't mean a word of it. Had that blood-thirsty lot thought I had gone soft...they'd have gutted us both. ''[whispers]'' Listen to me. If we play our cards right, we can both walk away from this rich as kings. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Yeah? :'''Long John Silver''': Heh-heh-heh-heh. You get me that map, and... uh, ''[whispering]'' an even portion of the treasure is ''yours''. ''[holds out his cyborg hand]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Boy. You are really something. ''[walks around Sliver]'' All that talk of greatness? Light coming off my sails? What a joke. :'''Long John Silver''': Now, just see here, Jimbo- :'''Jim Hawkins''': I mean, at last you taught me one thing. Stick to it, right? Well, that just what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna make sure that you never see ''one drabloon'' of ''my treasure!'' :'''Long John Silver''': ''[furiously]'' '''THAT TREASURE IS OWED ME, BY 'TUNDER!''' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[really furious]'' '''WELL, TRY TO FIND IT WITHOUT ''MY'' MAP,''' '''"BY 'TUNDER"!''' :'''Long John Silver''': Oh, you still don't know how to pick your fights, do ya, boy?! Now mark me: either I get that map by dawn tomorrow, or so help me, '''''I'LL USE THE SHIP'S CANNONS TO BLAST YE ALL TO KINGDOM COME!''''' ''[to Morph]'' Morph, hop to it. ''[angry shouting]'' <BIG><BIG>'''''NOW!!!'''''</BIG></BIG> ''[Morph scares hiding in Jim's shoulder; angrily]'' Oh, blast it! :''[Silver walks away, but grew angry when Jim turned him down, and threatened to blast him to kingdom come, although he was also shown to not wish to do this]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[delirious from injury]'' Gentlemen... we must stay together and... and... ''[groans]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': And what? What?! ''[takes off glasses]'' We must stay together and what?! :'''Captain Amelia''': Doctor, you have... wonderful eyes. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': She's lost her mind! :'''Jim Hawkins''': Well, you gotta help her! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': [[Leonard McCoy|Dang it, Jim! I'm an astronomer, not a doctor!]] I mean, I ''am'' a doctor, but I'm not ''that'' kind of doctor! I have a doctorate, but it's not the same thing! You can't ''help'' people with a doctorate, you just sit there and you're ''useless!'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Is okay, Doc. ''[Delbert sighs]'' Is all right. :'''B.E.N.''': Yeah, Doc! Jimmy knows exactly how to get out of this. It just-- It's just Jimmy has this knowledge of things. ''[whispered to Jim]'' Jim, any thoughts at all? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Without the map, we're dead. If we try to leave, we're dead. If we stay here. :'''Morph''': ''[Imitating Jim]'' We're dead! We're dead, we're dead, we're dead! :''[Jim sighs]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Well, I think that-that Jimmy could use a little quiet time. ''[Laughs nervously]'' So I'll just slip out the back door. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Back door? :'''B.E.N.''': Oh, yeah. I get this delightful breeze through here...which I think is important because ventilation among friends. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[Back door universe]'' Whoa! What is all this stuff? :'''B.E.N.''': You mean the miles and miles of machinery that run through the entire course of the inside of this planet? Not a clue! :'''Jim Hawkins''': Hey, Doc! Doc! I think I found a way out of here! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': No, no, Jim, wait. The captain ordered us to stay-- :'''Jim Hawkins''': I'll be back. :'''B.E.N.''': ''[Inside the back door universe]'' CANNONBALL! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[Dog bark]'' Woof. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As open the back door, Jim and Morph seens Silver's crews always sleeps of the firepit in the night forest]'' :'''B.E.N.''': ''[open the door slams Morph, shouting]'' ''So, what's the plan?!'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! B.E.N., quiet! ''[Silver sleeps and snoring]'' {{small|Okay, here it is. We sneak back to the Legacy, disable the laser cannons and bring back the map.}} :'''B.E.N.''': ''[Muffled]'' That's a good plan. I like that plan. The only thing is I'm wondering, how do we get there? :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[whispers]'' On that. :'''Morph''': ''[Silver's longboat]'' Ooh. :''[However, Jim, B.E.N. and Morph are in the R.L.S Legacy ship. They sneak over the ship, they climb in the dock, B.E.N. screams]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': B.E.N.. Shh! :'''B.E.N.''': Sorry, sorry, sorry. :''[Jim and B.E.N back down at the galley to find the map]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': {{small|Okay, I'll get the map. You wait here.}} :'''B.E.N.''': ''[salutes to Jim]'' Roger, Jimmy. I'll neutralize laser cannons, sir! ''[slaps Morph]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Wait, no, B.E.N., B.E.N.! :'''B.E.N.''': ''[singing]'' Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me! ''[he checking the disable a few laser cannons]'' Disable a few laser cannons. What is the big deal? All we gotta do is find that one little wire... ''[discovers countless similar wires that control parts of the ship]'' Oh, Mama. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[still looking the map, attempt to recover the map]'' Yes. :''[The alarm suddenly goes off]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Bad B.E.N.! Bad. ''[plugs the cord back in to stop]'' Okay, fixing. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[runs to the exit]'' Stupid robot's gonna get us all... ''[stops]'' killed. :'''Scroop''': ''[sees Jim]'' Cabin boy. :''[Jim and Morph start running for their lives from Scroop, but Morph turns himself into a vanilla pie, and then throws himself into Scroop's face; Scroop, furious at this, wipes Morph off of his face and throws him into one of the ship's pipes. Jim prepare to fire his weapon at Scroop, when the lights suddenly shut off]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Whoops! Okay, don't panic. Breathing in. ''[exhales]'' Breathing out. ''[after turn on the ship with wires, Jim aim at Scroop, he's no longer here, Scroop behind him closely slows; but, Morph out the pipe to Scroop, it turns to hand got two fingers and poked Scroop's eye, He manages to pin down Jim and he lose the gun in the galley]'' This has gotta be cannons. ''[unplugs another cord, causing gravity to rise]'' Maybe not! :''[Jim and Scroop start rising up, outside to deck. Jim grabs himself onto the ship's flagpole. Scroop chuckles evilly while climbing up to kill Jim. Jim's gun floats up, as he sees it]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[Reaching pistol]'' Come on, come on, ''come on.'' No! :'''Scroop''': ''[last words before his death]'' Oh, yes! ''[about to cut Jim's lifeline of the rope]'' Do say hello to Mr. Arrow. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[He jumps down, but then, he knocks Scroop off the ship into space]'' '''TELL HIM YOURSELF!''' :''[The sudden jerk snaps the damaged rope and sends Scroop floating away to his presumed death screaming. He is never to be heard of or seen again]'' :'''B.E.N.''': ''[After removing the plug which controls gravity]'' BACK YOU GO, YOU NAUGHTY PLUG! :''[After the gravity pulls, the wires plug into the ship]'' :'''Morph''': ''[coughs]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Morph? :''[Morph Chirrups]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Laser cannons disconnected Captain Jimmy, sir! Gee, that wasn't so tough. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, Jim found the map out when eavesdropping on his conversation with the rest of the crew about mutiny]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Doc! Doc, wake up! ''[look down Silver on the dark side]'' I got the map. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[sympathetically]'' Fine work, Jimbo. Fine work indeed. :''[Jim heartbroken and hurt. The crews holds Delbert and Amelia as hostage, they muffled yelling. Jim turn around to Mr. Turnbuckle and Grewnge]'' :'''Mertock''': Thanks for showing us the way in, boy. :''[as Mr. Turnbuckle and Grewnge takes struggle to Jim around in each arm, Morph bites Grewnge's tail, he screams in pain, it hits Morph with the tail and Morph yelping in the Jim's pocket]'' :'''Krailoni''': What's this sorry stack of metal?! :'''B.E.N.''': Not the face! :'''Long John Silver''': ''[Silver's dark side]'' You're just like me, Jimbo... ya hates to lose. ''[Jim snarling, Silver chuckles, handed the map, he switches the cyborg arm from cleaver to three clawed mini-arms, turning around the three clawed mini-arms the map getting stress, then switches the cyborg arm again from cyton arm, he doesn't open]'' What the devil's the-- ''[He was trying to get open the map getting frustrated, and taken back the map to Jim]'' Open it! ''[Jim holds a map, Silver stare at him awkward silence, and he switches the cyborg arm as the gun]'' I'd get busy. ''[Delbert and Amelia did they think open it, but they both nod. Jim and Silver stare at each other sympathetically, as Jim open and scrolls the map recover, the mutiny murmuring sees about the discovered by Treasure Planet]'' Oh, the powers that be. Would you look? ''[as the Map Treasure Planet away faster remember in the space; he laughs]'' ''Tie'' him up and leave him with the others till... we-what? :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[the map turns off]'' You want the map, you're taking me, too. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[Grunts and calms down]'' Hmm. ''[chuckles]'' We'll take 'em all. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The longboat follow the map and finds the treasure planet, the mutiny any location the ship; Grewnge use a gun point at Delbert and Amelia]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[Morph chattering]'' It's okay, Morph. Is okay. :'''B.E.N.''': Jimmy, I--I don't know about you but I'm starting to see my life pass in front of my eyes. At least, I think it's my life. '''''WAS I EVER DANCING WITH AN ANDROID NAMED LUPE?!''''' :'''Jim Hawkins''': B.E.N., shh. This isn't over here yet. :'''Long John Silver''': We'll gettin' close, lads! I smell treasure a-waitin'! ''[The pirates cheering, Silver laughs and grabs Jim forward, Silver cutting the trees, everyone gasp in shocked it to seens dead end]'' Huh? Where is it? :'''Onus''': ''[After the map seemingly leads the pirates to a dead end]'' I see nothing! One great big stinking hunk of NOTHING! :'''Long John Silver''': What's going on, Jimbo?! :'''Jim Hawkins''': I don't know! I-I can't get open in. :'''Krailoni''': We should've never followed this, boy! ''[kicks Jim fall on the ground]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Hey! :'''Long John Silver''': I'd suggust you get that gizmo ''going'' again, and ''fast''! :''[The mutiny quickly refuses to Jim]'' :'''Blinko''': Let's rip his gizzard right out, right now!! :'''Onus''': Throw it off the cliff! :''[Jim put the Map down it powers on the treasure planet]'' :'''Mr. Turnbuckle''': ''[last words before his death]'' Poor boy. :''[Introduce the portal sees the planets looks, suddenly, it open a triangular sees galaxy]'' :'''Long John Silver''': ''[shocked]'' Ah, have mercy. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[the portal high triangular like Treasure Planet shape, the Lagoon Nebula]'' The Lagoon Nebula? :'''Long John Silver''': ''[about universe]'' But that's halfway across the galaxy. :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[he point at Map; a Big door]'' A big door... ''[point at Map again; changing a planet]'' opening and closing. ''[changing a different planet]'' Let's see. Kinapis. Montressor spaceport. ''[as he point at Montressor Spaceport; that's how to get home]'' So that's how Flint did it. He used this portal to roam the universe stealing treasure. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[move space to Jim]'' But, where'd he stash it all?! ''[as Silver point to map, he no longer find his treasure]'' Where's that blasted TREASURE?! :'''B.E.N.''': Treasure! ''Treasure''! Is... ''buried'' in the-- :'''Jim Hawkins''': Buried in the ''centroid'' of the ''mechanism''. What if, the whole planet ''is'' the ''mechanism'', and the treasure is buried in the center of this planet?! :''[an angrily crews shouting start digging, as Mr. Turnbuckle boring a hole tool and shocking everyone]'' :'''Long John Silver''': ''[indignant]'' And '''how in blue ''blazes'' are we supposed to get there?!''' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[as finger point and touch a Treasure Planet]'' Just open the right door. :''[However, the portal is open the loot of a thousands worlds; as Jim, Silver and the pirates leading to find Flint's treasure, Silver step around the alarm beeping]'' :'''Krailoni''': Wait for me! Wait for me! :''Long John Silver''': ''[Upon seeing the discovered of Flint's Treasure, the mutiny, gasps, and cheering]'' The loot of a thousands worlds. :'''Onus''': ''[After the pirates find Flint's treasure]'' [[w:Jaws (film)|We are going to need a bigger boat!]] ''[laughing]'' :'''B.E.N.''': This is all seeming very familiar. I can't remember why. :'''Jim Hawkins''': B.E.N., come on. We're getting out of here, and we're not leaving empty-handed. :''[Jim and B.E.N. start to head for a pirate ship parked amongst the treasure]'' :'''B.E.N.''': But--but, Jimmy! Jimmy! :'''Long John Silver''': A lifetime of searching. And at long last...I can touch it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[B.E.N. and Jim make it to the ship and climb aboard]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Do you know what's strange? I can't tell you how frustrating this is, Jimmy, 'cause there's something just--it's nagging at the back of my mind. Aah! :''[B.E.N. falls onto the ship's deck and startles at the skeletal remains of Captain Nathaniel Flint in the chair]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Captain Flint? :'''B.E.N.''': In the flesh! Well, s-sort of, except for skin, organs, or anything that--that--that resembles flesh...that's not there. And yet it's so odd. you know? :''[Jim notices something the skeletal Captain Flint is clutching in his fist]'' :'''B.E.N.''': I remember there was something horrible Flint didn't want anyone else to know but I-I just can't remember what it was. :''[Jim pulls the piece from Flint's grasp]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Oh, a mind is a terrible thing to lose! :''[Jim sees that the piece is a similar shape to B.E.N.'s missing piece]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': B.E.N., l think I just found your mind. Hold still. :'''B.E.N.''': AAH! Jimmy, your hands are very, very cold. ''[B.E.N. seems to reboot as he gains his memories back, and his eyes go from green to blue]'' Whoa! Hello. You know, uh, Jimmy, I was just thinking...I was just think--It's all flooding back! All my memories! Right up until Flint pulled my memory circuits so I could never tell anybody about his booby trap! :''[A sudden crash happens above them]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Speaking of which... :''[Up above, parts of the planet start to explode, after the core has been destroyed by the jet. Silver and the other pirates notice the commotion]'' :'''Krailoni''': Huh? :'''B.E.N.''': Flint wanted to make sure that nobody could ever steal his treasure, so he rigged this whole planet to blow higher than a Kalepsian kite! :''[The jets previously keeping the treasure steady start to make ravines after destroying and/or puncturing the planet's core, through the treasure, making much of it fall through the cracks. The pirates start running away]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Run, Jimmy! Run for your life! :'''Jim Hawkins''': You go back and help the captain and Doc! If I'm not there in 5 minutes, leave without me. :''[Jim starts to work on getting the ship running]'' :'''B.E.N.''': I am not leavin' my buddy Jimmy. ''[Jim glares at him]'' Unless he looks at me like that. Bye, Jim! :''[More treasure starts to fall as the jets do more damage and create more cracks for it to fall. Silver tries to grab some, before all treasure falls into lava]'' :'''Long John Silver''': '''''NOOOO!!''''' No! Oh, no! Don't go! Don't go! Don't! Oh, no! No! :''[Mr. Turnbuckle and Blinko reaching the treasure but then causing falls down in the Booby trap, Crew yelling]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Come back here, ya blighters! :''[However, Silver sees Flint's ship and turns a robotic eye to Jim in the Flint's ship]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': All my life, I dreamed of an adventure like this. ''[sighs]'' I'm just sorry I couldn't have been... more helpful to you. :'''Captain Amelia''': Oh, don't be daft. You've been very helpful. Truly. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': I feel like such a useless weakling... ''[hands slip out of the rope he was tied with]'' ...with abnormally thin wrists! ''[to Grewnge, the pirate guarding them, while pretending to still be tied up]'' Excuse me, brutish pirate. ''[Grewnge belches]'' Yes, you. I have a question. Is it that your ''body'' is too ''massive'' for your ''teeny-tiny'' head... or is it that your ''head'' is too teeny-tiny for your ''big, fat body?!'' :'''Grewnge''': ''[grabs Doppler]'' '''''I PUMMEL YOU GOOD!''''' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Yes, I'm sure you will, but before you do, I have one more question. ''[pulls out a gun and points it at Grewnge's belly, smirks]'' Is this yours? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after crew away the Treasure Planet, Jim takes Flint's ship off in Treasure Planet]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[steering his ship]'' Yes! Morph, we are so out it here! :''[Morph cackling]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Ah! Jimbo! Aren't you the 7th wonder of the universe? :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[grabs a sword and points it at Silver's stomach]'' Get back! :'''Long John Silver''': ''[It silence pauses and he get facing to Jim]'' I like you, lad. But I've come too far to let you stand between me and me treasure. ''[He get closer facing Jim, it shoots lasers a Flint's ship, Jim and Silver off the ship. Jim screams fallen down apart, and Silver grabs to Flint's ship with the lasers]'' OH, NO, YOU DON'T! ''[It pulls hard the Flint's ship gets really stress, until Morph call out]'' What? ''[Instead eye cyborg look to Jim]'' Jimbo. ''[Switches the Cyborg arm and now stretches his tools in a specified direction order grasp something, and tries to save Jim in literal shipload of treasure]'' Reach for me now! '''REACH!''' :'''Jim Hawkins''': I-I '''can't!''' :'''Long John Silver''': Don't, no! Wha--? ''[he know but which one, Jim or the Flint's ship]'' I-- ''[Letting go of a literal shipload of treasure in order to save Jim]'' <big>'''''OH, BLAST ME FOR A FOOL!'''''</big> :''[Silver grabs his Jim's hand and save him with the ship, Silver climb in with Jim, as the Flint's Ship is blown up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Silver has chosen Jim over the treasure]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Silver, you gave up? :'''Long John Silver''': Just a lifelong obsession, Jimbo. I'll get over it. :'''B.E.N.''': Aloha. Jimmy! :''[B.E.N. pulls up with the ship with Delbert piloting it and Amelia in tow; the remaining pirates are in custody]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Hurry, people! We got exactly two minutes and thirty-four seconds till planet's destruction! :'''Captain Amelia''': You're doing fine, Doctor. Now ease her over gently--gently! :''[The ship terrain to Jim and Silver]'' :'''Onus''': We were better off on exploding planet! :''[Jim and Silver climb onto the ship]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': Take us out of here, metal man! :'''B.E.N.''': Aye, Captain! :'''Long John Silver''': Captain, you dropped from the heavens in the nick of-- :'''Captain Amelia''': Save your claptrap for the judge, Silver! :''[Silver chuckles then frowns]'' :''[A sudden chunk of the planet takes out the main sail and one of the cannons]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Mizzen sail demobilized, Captain! Thrusters at only 30% of capacity. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': 30%? That means we're...We'll never clear the planet's explosion in time... :''[As the planet is collapsing, Jim looks back and sees that the portal is still working and with the cannon destroyed he can use the parts]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': We gotta turn around. :'''Captain Amelia''': What? :'''Jim Hawkins''': There's a portal back there. It can get us out of here! :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Pardon me, Jim, but didn't that portal open onto a raging inferno?! :''[The jets are still destroying the planet's core, when the planet collapses and explodes]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Yes, but I'm gonna change that. I'm gonna ''open'' a different ''door''! ''[Jim starts to gather pieces to make a solar surfer]'' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Captain, really, I don't see how this is possible-- :'''Long John Silver''': Listen to the boy! :'''B.E.N.''': One minute, twenty-nine seconds till planet's destruction! :'''Long John Silver''': What do you need, Jim? :'''Jim Hawkins''': Just some way to attach this. :'''Long John Silver''': All right. Stand back. Stand back, now. ''[He welds the pieces together to make a makeshift solar surfer]'' There you go. :'''Morph''': There you go. :'''Jim Hawkins''': OK. Now, no matter what happens, keep the ship heading straight for that portal. :'''B.E.N.''': Fifty-eight seconds! :''[Jim and Silver share a sympathetic gaze as Jim launches his solar surfer off the ship]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Well, you heard him! Get this blasted heap turned 'round! :'''Captain Amelia''': Doctor, head us back to the portal. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': Aye, Captain. :''[Up ahead, Jim manages to weave his way through the planet's explosion, heading straight for the portal]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': Go on the right! '''THE ''RIGHT!''''' :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': '''I KNOW, I KNOW! WILL YOU JUST LET ME DRIVE?!''' :'''B.E.N.''': '''25 SECONDS!''' :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[The solar surfer engine suddenly cuts out and refuses to start]'' No! No! :'''Long John Silver''': Come on, lad... :'''B.E.N.''': Seventeen seconds! :''[Out of options, Jim shoves the engine against the wall, and the friction combined with the sparks gets the engine started again. Jim and the ship race toward the portal]'' :'''B.E.N.''': Seven, six, five, four, three, two-- :''[Right at the last second, Jim presses on the Montressor Spaceport, causing the portal to change as he and the ship fly through it, and the planet is collapsing and starts to explode. The portal explodes behind them]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim saves the crew and ship]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Wow! Yeah! :'''Long John Silver''': Ah! Oh-ho-ho Jim! You done it, Jimmy! You done it, boy! ''[hi five to Jim, laughing]'' Didn't I tell you the lad had greatness in him?! :''[The pirates cheer Jim while Doppler and Amelia hug, realize what they're doing and don't stop]'' :'''Captain Amelia''': ''[to Jim]'' Unorthodox, but ludicrously effective. I'd be proud to recommend you to the Interstellar Academy. They could do with a man like you. :'''Dr. Delbert Doppler''': ''[excited]'' Just wait until your mother hears about this! ''[quietly]'' Of course, we may downplay the life-threatening parts. :'''B.E.N.''': Jimmy, that was...UNFORGETTABLE! I know you don't like touching but, get ready for a hug, big guy, 'cause I gotta hug ya! Ha, ha, ha, ha! ''[Jim finally getting hug to him]'' Hey, you hugged me back! Oh, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. ''[sobbing and hug to Jim, but he look at Silver but nowhere see it]'' Does anyone have a tissue? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; Jim walks into the ship hold and finds Silver and Morph hastily untying a rope to a longboat to escape]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Morphy, we gotta make tracks! :'''Jim Hawkins''': ''[suddenly approaching Silver]'' You never quit, do you? :'''Long John Silver''': Ah, Jimbo! I was... merely checking to make sure this longboat was safe and... secure. :'''Jim Hawkins''': Hmmm... Well, ''[ties a knot in a way that Silver taught him]'' that should hold it. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[chuckles]'' I taught you too well. Now, if you don't mind, we just as soon avoid prison. Little Morphy here... he's a free spirit! Being in a cage... it'd break his heart. :''[After Jim and Silver stare at each other sympathetically, Jim opens the galleyway]'' :'''Long John Silver''': What say you ship out with us, lad. :'''Morph''': "Ship out with us!" ''[turns into a pirate hat and lands on Jim]'' :'''Long John Silver''': You and me, Hawkins and Silver, full of ourselves, and no ties to anyone! :'''Jim Hawkins''': You know, when I got on this boat, ''[tickles Morph, turning him back to normal]'' I would've taken you up on that offer in a second. But... I met this old cyborg, and he taught me that I can chart my own course. That's what I'm gonna do. :'''Long John Silver''': And what do ya see off that bow of yours? :'''Jim Hawkins''': A future. :'''Long John Silver''': ''[chuckles]'' Why, look at ya. Glowing like a solar fire. ''[on the verge of tears]'' You're something special, Jim. You're gonna rattle the stars, you are! :''[Jim and Silver give each other one last hug and then Silver wipes the tears off his eye]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Got a bit of grease in this cyborg eye of mine. :''[Morph cries and melts into a pool of tears]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Oh... Hey, Morph, I'll see ya 'round, okay? :'''Morph''': "See ya 'round?" ''[turns back to normal and licks Jim before he floats back to Silver]'' :'''Long John Silver''': Morphy? I got a job for ya. I need you to keep an eye on this young pup. ''[on the verge of tears again]'' Will ya do me that favor? :''[Morph salutes to Silver, gives him one last cuddle, and floats over to Jim]'' :'''Long John Silver''': ''[as his longboat is about to be launched]'' Oh, and one more thing! ''[throws a bit of Flint's treasure to Jim]'' It's for your dear mother, to rebuild that inn of hers. ''[winks at Jim]'' :'''Jim Hawkins''': Stay outta trouble, you old scallywag. :'''Long John Silver''': Why, Jimbo, lad, when have I ever done otherwise? ''[laughs as his longboat is launched]'' :''[Silver launched the longboat away from the R.L.S Legacy ship, Jim and Morph watches Silver went away from this Lagacy. In later, Jim returns home to his mother and a short time later the Benbow is grandly rebuilt. A party is thrown to celebrate the opening where a lot of customers and family friends join. B.E.N. has taken job in the kitchen, Doppler and Amelia are now married and proud parents of four children (three girls and one boy), and Jim has joined the academy following a recommendation by Amelia. Breaking away from the dancing for a moment. Jim looks out the window and remembers Silver, confident that the pirate's words about him were true and seeing an image of him in the clouds]'' == Always Know Where You Are by John Rzeznik == :'''John Rzeznik''': ''[singing]'' It's good to see the sun and feel this place / This place never thought would feel like home / Now I'm ran forever, far away / And I always thought and end up here alone / And somehow, the world has changed / And I've come home / To give you back the things they took from you / And I feel you now / I'm not alone / I'll always know where you are / And when I see myself / I'll always know where you are / And I've found something / That was always there / Sometimes it's gotta hurt before you feel / But now I'm strong / And I won't kneel / Except to thank who's watching over me, (except to thank who's watching over me) / And somehow / I feel so strong / And I've begun / To be the one I never thought I'd be / And I feel you now / I'm not alone / I'm not alone / I'll always know where you are / And When I myself / I'll always know where you are / Where you are / Now / It's all so clear / And I believe / That everything's been opened up to me / And I feel you now / I'm not alone/ I always know / I'll always know where you are / And when I see myself / I'll always know where you are / And when I see myself / I'll always know where you are / And I when I see myself / I'll always know where you are / Where you are. ''[song fades]'' == Taglines == * Find your place in the universe. * Robert Louis Stevenson's Greatest Adventure 'Treasure Island' As It Has Never Been Seen Before * Chart your own course. * They're on the search for gold, but they better watch out for Silver. == Cast == * [[w:Joseph Gordon-Levitt|Joseph Gordon-Levitt]] as Jim Hawkins * [[w:Brian Murray|Brian Murray]] as Long John Silver * [[w:Laurie Metcalf|Laurie Metcalf]] as Sarah Hawkins * [[w:David Hyde Pierce|David Hyde Pierce]] as Dr. Delbert Doppler * [[w:Roscoe Lee Browne|Roscoe Lee Browne]] as Mr. Arrow * [[w:Martin Short|Martin Short]] as B.E.N. * [[w:Emma Thompson|Emma Thompson]] as Captain Amelia * [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] as Onus * [[w:Dane A. Davis|Dane A. Davis]] as Morph * [[w:Tony Jay|Tony Jay]] as Narrator * [[w:Austin Majors|Austin Majors]] as Young Jim * [[w:Patrick McGoohan|Patrick McGoohan]] as Billy Bones * [[w:Michael McShane|Michael McShane]] as Hands * [[w:Michael Wincott|Michael Wincott]] as Scroop * [[w:Rodger Bumpass|Rodger Bumpass]] as Turnbuckle, Police Robot #1 * [[w:Jack Angel|Jack Angel]] as Grewnge, Police Robot #2 * [[w:Mickie McGowan|Mickie McGowan]] as Krailoni * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] as Blinko, Pirate #1 * [[w:Paul Eiding|Paul Eiding]] as Verne * [[w:Patrick Pinney|Patrick Pinney]] as Crex * [[w:John Cygan|John Cygan]] as Hedley * [[w:Jim Ward (voice actor)|Jim Ward]] as Torrance * [[w:Jane Carr|Jane Carr]] as Mrs. Dunwiddie * [[w:Jeremy Suarez|Jeremy Suarez]] as Ethan (deleted scene), Little Alien Kid * [[w:Bob Bergen|Bob Bergen]] as Robot on ladder, Mr. Snuff * [[w:Jennifer Darling|Jennifer Darling]] as Female Alien * [[w:Sherry Lynn|Sherry Lynn]] as Dogbreath * [[w:Mona Marshall|Mona Marshall]] as Alien Mother, Ethel * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Pirate #2 * [[w:Richard Kind|Richard Kind]] as Longbourne * [[w:Robert Pastorelli|Robert Pastorelli]] as Mertock (final voice acting role) * [[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] as Fayvoon * [[w:Peter Cullen|Peter Cullen]] as Captain Nathaniel Flint ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} == Time Cards == * 12 Years Later {{Authority control}} [[Category:2002 animated films]] [[Category:2002 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated space adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] [[Category:Films set on fictional planets]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] 8zvmyj7mlxqw0u9qmsprsdc3ixnyuxs 0 102956 3955074 3541069 2026-06-21T15:21:57Z Suslindisambiguator 275269 added wikipedia link for "Treatise on Natural Philosophy" 3955074 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Peter Tait.jpg|thumb|Peter Guthrie Tait]] '''[[w:Peter Guthrie Tait|Peter Guthrie Tait]]''' ([[28 April]] [[1831]] – [[4 July]] [[1901]]) was a Scottish mathematical physicist, best known for the seminal energy physics textbook ''{{w|Treatise on Natural Philosophy}}'', which he co-wrote with [[William_Thomson|Kelvin]], and his early investigations into knot theory, which contributed to the eventual formation of topology as a mathematical discipline. {{physicist-stub}} == Quotes == * Oh, that's nothing – I could coach a coal scuttle to be [[w:Wrangler (University of Cambridge)|Senior Wrangler]]. ** when complimented about coaching his one pupil scoring higher than his rival's pupils at [[w:Peterhouse, Cambridge|Peterhouse]] [[w:Tripos|Tripos]], as quoted by {{cite book | author= Cargill Gilston Knott | title=Life and scientific work of Peter Guthrie Tait | publisher= Cambridge University Press | year=1911 | url=http://books.google.com/books?id=PSU9AAAAIAAJ&pg=PA11 | isbn= | page=11}} * [Examiners] spend their lives in discovering which pages of a text-book a man ought to read and which will not be likely to 'pay'. ** in an address to the University of Edinburgh graduates, as quoted by {{cite book | author= Cargill Gilston Knott | title=Life and scientific work of Peter Guthrie Tait | publisher= Cambridge University Press | year=1911 | url= | isbn= | page=11}} * The next grand extensions of mathematical physics will, in all likelihood, be furnished by quaternions. ** in ''Note on a Quaternion Transformation '', Communication read on Monday, 6th April, 1863, Proceedings of the Royal Society of Edinburgh (1866), p. 117. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tait, Peter Guthrie}} [[Category:Mathematicians from Scotland]] [[Category:Physicists from Scotland]] [[Category:Episcopalians]] [[Category:1831 births]] [[Category:1901 deaths]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:University of Edinburgh alumni]] [[Category:University of Edinburgh faculty]] i1bqw60nuw5ptq12mhouxqqu0hnxh9b 0 104718 3955100 3954764 2026-06-21T16:56:07Z ~2026-36043-90 3344299 3955100 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Dinosaur (2000 film)|Dinosaur]]''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] live-action/computer-animated feature film produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] featuring anthropomorphic [[Dinosauria|dinosaur]]s. It tells the story of Aladar, an Iguanodon whose egg was snatched and dropped on a remote island. :''Directed by Eric Leighton and [[w:Ralph Zondag|Ralph Zondag]]. Written by Ralph Zondag, [[w:John Harrison (filmmaker)|John Harrison]], and [[w:Robert Nelson Jacobs|Robert Nelson Jacobs]]. Music by [[w:James Newton Howard|James Newton Howard]].'' {{center|'''Discover a world you've only imagined''' ([[Dinosaur (film)#Taglines|taglines]])}} ==Aladar== * Oh, no! Attacking lemurs! Suri, please! I can't take it! There are too many of you! Come on! Pick on someone your own size! Help! * You're missin' all the action, pal. Come on! ==Eema== * Walkin' backward, huh? Well, let me know if that gets you there any faster! Keep those little legs moving, Url, or you'll get left behind! * Well, you just consider yourself lucky, that's ''all'' that's following us. * ''[about to cross the desert]'' If you smell something sizzling, it could be me. * Who booked this trip anyway? ==Plio== * ''[opening narration]'' Some things start out big, and some things start out small, very small. But sometimes the smallest thing can make the biggest changes of all. * It's okay. We'll teach him to hate meat. * You're never going to forget this day, so make it one to remember. * Oh, Aladar, if only there was someone on the island for you. Well, you know, who looks like you, but prettier. * ''[closing narration]'' None of us really know what changes, big or small, lie ahead. One thing is certain: our journey's not over. We can only hope that, in some small way, our time here will be remembered. ==Zini== * This monster's got no teeth! What's he gonna do? Gum us to death? * Hey, I'm lucky to be rid of them. With the ladies, before you know it, they all wanna move to a bigger tree. * What you need is a little help from the love monkey. * Hey, enough with the beauty sleep! You're ravishing already! == Dialogue == :''[First lines; A life in the egg of ''[[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]]'' name Aladar]'' :'''Plio''': ''[narrating]'' Some things start out big, and some things start out small, very small. But sometimes the smallest thing can make the biggest changes of all. :''[Aladar's mother taking care of her nest of eggs. A baby ''[[w:Parasaurolophus|Parasaurolophus]]'' sniffs one of the eggs (presumably Aladar's egg), but Aladar's Mother scares it away. It then runs to the other nests, but gets frightened away by dinosaur mother guarding them. A herd of ''[[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]]'' also called a ''[[w:Giraffatitan|Giraffatitian]]'' in the lakes. The Parasaurolophus runs through the river, and follows a ''[[w:Longisquama|Longisquama.]]'' The Longisquama catches a dragonfly and eats it. The young Parasaurolophus then chases the flying lizard and runs into the forest, where it lands on something half-hidden. The Parasaurolophus then sees drops of saliva landing on a tree branch and notices the Longisquama has landed on the nose of a ''[[w:Carnotaurus|Carnotaurus]]''. The Parasaurolophus runs out of the forest and gets chased by the Carnotaurus, which panics all of the dinosaurs present in the Nesting Grounds. As Aladar's mother abandons her nest, the Carnotaurus smashes all but one of the eggs in the Iguanodon's nest in the process. Ultimately, the chase ends when the Carnotaurus runs down and kills a ''[[w:Pachyrhinosaurus|Pachyrhinosaurus,]]''. An ''[[w:Oviraptor|Oviraptor]]'' seizes Aladar's egg left unharmed and hurries off into the jungle. Another Oviraptor swipes it from its grasp. They fight, and it falls down into the river below. As it is swept away by the current, it was swallowed, then spat out, by a ''[[w:Koolasuchus|Koolasuchus;]]'', floats between a pair of quarreling ''[[w:Talarurus|Talarurus;]]'' moved towards the river's center by a herd of drinking Pachyrhinosaurus; and finally picked up by a ''[[w:Pteranodon|Pteranodon]]'' that carries it far away to ''[[w:Lemur|Lemur]]'' island. Baby Pteranodons are watching; a two ''[[w:Ichtyornis|Ichtyornis]]'' pester the parent Pteranodon and it drops the egg on the island.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[When a dinosaur egg falls on the island. A colony of lemurs scatter in a frenzy. 4 lemurs approach: Plio, Yar, Zini, and Suri.]'' :'''Young Zini''': Yar, what is it? :'''Yar''': I don't know. PLIO, GET BACK HERE! We don't know what it is! :'''Young Zini''': Plio, be careful. :''[Plio sneak over sensing, she got present when the egg cracks, then opens the shell and is happy to see a baby iguanodon]'' :'''Plio''': Dad, get over here. :'''Yar''': ''[pulls Zini to safety]'' Zini, it's not safe! :'''Young Zini''': Oh, I always have to go when stuff's happening. :'''Yar''': ''[scoffs at Zini and gets closer to Plio]'' Well, what is it? :'''Plio''': It was an egg. ''[to baby Aladar]'' Look. ''[Yar gasps in shock]'' What? :'''Yar''': It's a cold-blooded monster from across the sea: vicious, flesh-eating! ''[Baby Aladar burps]'' Eurgh... :'''Plio''': Looks like a baby to me. :'''Yar''': Babies grow up! You keep that thing, one day, we'll turn our backs, it'll be picking us out of it's ''teeth!'' ''[to the other lemurs]'' Things like THAT eat things lie US as snacks! :''[Some lemurs yelp in fear]'' :'''Plio''': So, what do we do? :'''Yar''': Get rid of it! ''[trying to dissuade Plio from raising the baby Aladar]'' :'''Plio''': ''[vexed]'' ''What'' has gotten into you? :'''Yar''': ''[exasperated]'' Plio...That ''thing'' is dangerous! :'''Plio''': ''[to baby Aladar; regretfully sighs]'' I'm sorry, little one. ''[to Yar, handling baby Aladar over to him]'' Okay, get rid of it. ''[Yar gasps]'' Hmph. ''[sits on a patch of moss to watch]'' :'''Yar''': All right, I will. ''[lifts baby Aladar over the edge of the branch, preparing to drop the dinosaur baby to his death. All the other lemurs are watching him. He hesitates]'' :'''Plio''': ''[sarcastically]'' You'd better hurry up, Dad. It looks hungry. :'''Yar''': Hmph! ''[looks at baby Aladar. Baby Aladar comes and looks at him with droopy eyelids. He closes his eyes and sighs, defeated. He hears a strange sound and opens his eyes to see that baby Aladar is peeing on him. Disgusted, defeated; handling Aladar back to Plio]'' Rmmm...Here. :'''Plio''': ''[smiling]'' It's okay. We'll teach him to hate meat. :'''Yar''': Hmph. Watch his head! ''[Plio looks up]'' I-I mean, watch it! he could bite. ''[walks away]'' :''[Other lemurs, including Zini, leap up to Baby Aladar]'' :'''Young Zini:''' This "monster's" got no teeth! What's he gonna do? Gum us to death? :'''Plio:''' Zini, come on: look at that sweet little face. Does that look like a monster to you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Years later, Suri and other lemur children are chased by the grown-up Aladar for fun]'' :'''Suri''': Let me out! Let me out! ''[inside Aladar's mouth; he spits her into the thicket]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[coughs]'' Hairball! ''[coughs]'' :'''Suri''': That was great! Get him! :'''Aladar''': ''[lemur children start tickling him]'' Oh, no! Attacking lemurs! Suri, please! I can't take it! There are too many of you! Come on! Pick on someone your own size! Help! ''[Plio looks on, laughing]'' Augh! Augh! Augh! Ahhhh. ''[playing dead]'' :'''Suri''': Aladar? you're not dead. :'''Aladar''': ''[suddenly]'' No! :''[Suri and company laugh]'' :'''Plio''': All right, guys, break it up. Remember the courtship? You gonna miss seeing all that smooching. :'''Suri''': Aw, Mom. :'''Aladar''': That's okay, Plio. We can smooch right here. ''[blows kisses; Suri and her friends leap away]'' :'''Plio''': ''[sarcastically]'' Heh. It's a shame you don't like kids. :'''Aladar''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ugh. Nasty little vermin. :'''Plio''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ha-ha. Go find Zini. He's rehearing pickup lines. Let's hope he's find found some new material. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zini''': ''[rehearsing]'' "Hey, sweetie. If you'll be my bride, I'll groom ya." That is good. Oh, that's good. "Girls, I'm known as the 'professor of love' and school's in session." Yeah, I still got it. :'''Aladar''': ''[walks up to him]'' I hope it's not contagious. :'''Zini''': I'm a raging epidemic of romance. :'''Aladar''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, hot stuff. Let's get goin': you don't wanna to miss Yar's annual pep talk. :'''Zini''': Oh goody: I can't wait to hear the mating advice of an old monkey. :'''Aladar''': Hey-hey-hey, I heard that in this day, that old monkey was quite a swinger. :'''Zini''': You takin' about ''Yar?'' :'''Aladar''': Yeah! To hear him tell it, he put the "prime" in "[[primate]]". :'''Zini''': ''[sarcastically]'' Really? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yar''': ''[both are giving mating advice, Yar to the males, Plio to the females]'' Okay, boys, gather around: listen and learn from the Master. :'''Plio''': Now girls, don't jump into the trees after the first boy with a cute back-flip: it's more fun if you keep them guessing. :'''Yar''': And if a cute back-flip doesn't work, guess. :'''Plio''': You're never going to forget this day, so make it one to remember. :'''Yar''': But if you mess up, don't worry: they'll never remember. :'''Aladar''': Come on, guys! We don't wanna let 'em down! :'''Yar''': Go on, now. Chest up! Chin up! :'''Male Lemur''': Whoo! :'''Yar''': ''[to Aladar]'' Make 'em look good, son. :'''Aladar''': Come on, Yar. My charm, and your brains? No problem. ''[Yar laughs. Aladar has male courting lemurs on his back and escorts them to the tree]'' Hey girls, look what just pulled into town. :'''Male Lemur''': Hey, ladies! :'''Aladar''': Your buffet table of love! :''[The female lemurs laugh]'' :'''Male Lemurs''': Right here! Right here! Hey, beautiful! :'''Zini''': Hey, free samples! Get me while I'm hot! Whoa! ''[grabs Aladar's tail and chuckles]'' :'''Suri''': Zini. ''[laughs]'' :''[The males are courting in the tree]'' :'''Zini''': Whoo! Wah-hoo! :''[Plio, Yar, Zini, Suri trill, and Aladar bellows. Zini falls on the bush. Suri laughing at him. The male Lemurs jump out of the tree, in the vines swinging around, Zini trying sticks the branches, Aladar take a little branch to help Zini and throws him over the vine]'' :'''Aladar''': You're missin' all the action, pal. Come on! :'''Zini''': Hey, haven't you heard? I am the action! WHOO! Whoo-ah! :''[The female lemurs climb the vines. Every lemur ends up finding a mate except Zini, who snags his feet on a vine before he could even swing forward.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[By the time he unsticks himself, all the female lemurs have left, much to his disappointment. Aladar tries to comfort Zini, who seems to take it okay and believes he will get another chance at finding girls]'' :'''Aladar''': Ah, don't worry, Zini. You'll always have next year. :'''Zini''': Hey, I'm lucky to be rid of them. With the ladies, before you know it, they all wanna move to a bigger tree. :'''Yar''': ''[to Plio]'' Ah well. Poor Zini. The clan still has one bachelor. :'''Plio''': No. We have two. ''[to Aladar]'' Well, it's never been his best event. :'''Aladar''': He's got a tougher hide than mine. :'''Plio''': Oh, Aladar. If only there were someone on the island for you. You know; who looks like you, but prettier. :'''Aladar''': Come on, Plio. What more could I want? ''[There seen a fireballs in the sky]'' Whoa! :''[Aladar look at the fireballs in the sky, as Pilo, Yar and Suri watching in the sky. as Aladar look up the sky, Suri come and look at Aladar, but it know are coming]'' :'''Suri''': What are they? :'''Aladar''': I don't know. :''[Suri up in the tree to take a look, a fireballs falls out in the skies there minions tons of them. Zini watching over us, Plio and Yar hearing these fireballs past to it. Plio look for a flock of Ichthyornis in the skies; Yar sniffing]'' :'''Plio''': Dad? :'''Yar''': ''[about the asteroid]'' Something wrong. :'''Plio''': ''[to Aladar]'' Aladar, where's Suri? :'''Aladar''': ''[about Suri]'' She's up in the...tree. :''[Plio is present when an asteroid falls from the sky and then strikes to it, causing violent tremors. But still it hard blow the lemur's island]'' :'''Plio''': COME ON! Go, go! COME ON! :'''Suri''': ''[off-screen]'' Mom! :'''Plio''': Suri! :'''Suri''': ''[crying for help after observing the disaster]'' Mom!! Mom!!! :'''Aladar''': Suri! :'''Suri''': ''[off-screen]'' ''Mom!'' :'''Aladar''': Suri, where are you?! :''[Plio want to find and save Suri in the tree, and she back down to Aladar]'' :'''Plio:''' ''[Frantically after asteriod strikes]'' Run, Aladar! ''Run!'' '''Run!''' :''[Many fireballs soon start falling, and Aladar runs with the lemurs]'' :'''Aladar:''' Yar, Come on! :'''Plio:''' Zini! :'''Aladar:''' ZINI! :'''Plio:''' Jump! :'''Aladar:''' JUMP! :'''Plio:''' JUMP! ''[Zini getting chased by Asteriod in the island and jump, but Plio grabs a hand to him]'' Hold on! :''[as the fireballs, we're getting by destroyed by the lemur island. Aladar, Plio, Yar, Zini and Suri chased by asteroid; but then look down the cliff. He turns around to see the massive cloud of fire barreling towards him. He quickly jumps into the sea as the cloud passes over. Aladar and his lemur family swim to the mainland, only to find out that it was also devastated by the asteroid]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[coughs]'' Plio! Yar! Where are you?! ''[coughs]'' :'''Plio''': Aladar, over here! :''[as Aladar trying to save the lemurs by the asteriod, the waves gathering. Yar coughing, Aladar sighing, are the fires diaster. They all turn back to the island to see that it completely destroyed, the flames from the island illuminating it in an orange glow. Suri goes up to the edge of the mainland and calls out to the island, trying to hear if anyone on the island survived, but she gets no response. Suri weeps, as she realizes that everyone on the island is gone, and Aladar bellows a similar mournful roar. Plio comforts her daughter]'' :'''Plio''': Oh, Suri. Easy, easy. ''[give it hug to Suri]'' :''[after a asteroid devastates Lemur Island]'' :'''Suri''': ''[crying]'' They're all gone. :'''Plio''': Shh, shh. I'm right here. :''[Suri crying]'' :'''Aladar''': Come on. We can't stay here. :''[With that, they climb onto Aladar, who looks one last time at the island, the birds are flying in the skies, that was once his and his family's home before turning around and walking off.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aladar and his closest family in the desert; suri stills cries on Aladar's back]'' :'''Yar''': Now, now, Suri. There's nothing to be afraid of. :'''Zini''': ''[to hearing noise calling]'' LOOK! :'''Yar''': Ah! :'''Aladar''': Whoa! ''[velociraptor runs off]'' Do you see that? :'''Yar''': What? :'''Zini''': I did. :'''Suri''': Me too! :'''Plio''': Where did it go? :'''Aladar''': I don't know. Let's go see. :'''Yar''': Leave it alone. Hey! :'''Plio''': Shh, Dad! :'''Yar''': It-It's 'scaring' Suri. :'''Suri''': No, it's not. :'''Aladar''': Everyone just be quiet. :''[as Aladar and the lemurs walk through the barren wasteland, they see a ''[[w:velociraptor|velociraptor,]]'' he looks curious on what it is and decide to check it out. When they find it, the raptor snarls at them. and soon seven others appear and start chasing them. The velociraptor jumps on Aladar and bites him on the side, and he roars of pain, the other Velociraptor jumps and snap it to Yar in the Aladar's back while he falls down]'' :'''Plio''': Yar, grab on! :'''Yar''': I can't ''reach!'' :''[as Yar grab his Plio's hand to it, when velociraptor jumps and climbs and tries eats it snap to him it misses. until it jumps back the pack of velociraptors, and Aladar escapes from the raptors]'' :'''Plio''': Aladar, they're stopping! :'''Aladar''': ''[Then soon, the raptors ran away when the surviving dinosaur herd appears]'' Huh? :''[Aladar led the Kron, came by]'' :'''Kron:''' ''[his first words after he knocks Aladar down] Stay out of my way!'' :'''Bruton:''' ''[his first words]'' You heard Kron! MOVE IT!! :''[Aladar sees a dinosaur herd walking past him, then sees baby iguanodons walking under him]'' :'''Neera''': ''[bumps into Aladar]'' Watch it! :''[As Aladar looks at Neera, he sees a Pachyrhinosaurus that walks into him with its nasal horn, knocking him to the ground, then a pack of Microceratops jump over him and the lemurs]'' :'''Yar''': Zini, get your head down! ''[sees Baylene, a brachiosaur; she strides over him]'' :'''Eema''': ''[walking by]'' Walkin' backward, huh? Well, let me know if that gets you there any faster! Keep those little legs moving, Url, or you'll get left behind! :'''Suri''': Look at all the Aladars! :'''Yar''': If you're even thinking of joining up... :''[the Velociraptors snarl from behind]'' :'''Aladar''': Hang on! ''[catches up with Baylene]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Soon after, they encounter of a herd of various dinosaurs (Iguanodons, Parasaurolophus, Styracosaurus, Pachyrhinosaurus, Microceratus, ''[[w:Struthiominus|Struthiominus,]]'' and ''[[w:Stygimoloch|Stygimoloch.)]]'' It led by Kron as each other]'' :'''Bruton''': Kron, There is a more protected spot further down the-- :'''Kron''': We'll rest here for the night. Go ahead, Bruton. :''[Bruton shows a bellow roars at the herd, as Aladar walking towards the herd]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh, Eema! I wish we were at your nesting grounds now! All this pushing and shoving about, just for a place to sleep! I'm not used to this kind of behavior. :'''Eema''': Baylene, you've got big feet; just give 'em a kick! ''[shoves a stygimoloch]'' GET! :'''Baylene''': Oh, I couldn't possibly... eh, shoo! Shoo! :'''Eema''': Would you come on, Baylene? If you wanna get to the nesting grounds alive, show some backbone! :'''Aladar''': Hey there! :'''Eema''': Ahhh! :'''Aladar''': ''[after spooking Eema]'' Oh... sorry about that. Uh, it's just that, we overhead you talking and, umm... :''[Url drops a rock enthusiastically at his feet just like a dog, Aladar looks confused]'' :'''Eema''': Well, my word. Look at Url. He doesn't normally warm up to strangers so fast. :'''Baylene''': ''[Sniffing the lemurs on Aladar's back and sneezing to lemurs]'' What an unfortunate blemish. :'''Eema''': Good mud bath would clear those right up. :'''Yar''': ''Excuse'' me? :''[Eema growls in surprise]'' :'''Aladar''': Um, he's my grandfather. ''[chuckles]'' Couple of times removed. :'''Zini''': Or a couple of ''species'' removed. :'''Aladar''': My name's Aladar. This is my family. We're all that's left. :'''Baylene''': Oh, dear. I'm so sorry. :'''Eema''': Baylene's the last of her kind. Finding stragglers like her all along the way! :'''Plio''': I heard you say something about "Nesting Grounds". :'''Eema''': It is the most beautiful place there is, child. It's where the herd goes to have their babies. :'''Suri''': Will we find anybody that looks...like us there? :'''Eema''': Oh, the last few days, I've seen 'em all shapes and sizes. Who knows what we'll find? The hard job now is just ''getting'' there. :'''Baylene''': And we're being driven unmercifully. :'''Aladar''': By who? :'''Eema''': Kron, the herd's head honcho. :'''Baylene''': We can hardly keep up. An older woman like myself, it's...well, it's positively indecent. :'''Aladar''': Then tell him! What's the worst he can do? ''[Neera, Kron, and Bruton approach; Url nervously walks out of the way; Bruton growls; Kron rudely pushes past]'' Hey! What's ''his'' problem? :'''Eema''': That's him, honey, Kron. :'''Aladar''': ''[runs up to Kron]'' Huh. Excuse me! Kron! Got a second? :'''Bruton:''' Get lost kid! :'''Kron:''' ''[chuckles]'' Relax Bruton. ''[comes up to Aladar]'' Who are you? :'''Aladar:''' Uh...Aladar. :'''Kron:''' Why aren't you up here with the— ''[notices the lemurs on Aladar's back]'' ...uh, young bloods? ''[snorts at them]'' :'''Aladar:''' Well, I was back here talking to these guys. I guess they're having a hard time keeping up. So, you know, maybe you could slow down a bit? :''[Neera chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Kron''': Hmm! Let the weak set the pace. Now, ''there's'' an idea. Better let me do the thinking from now on, Aladar. :'''Aladar''': Hey! They need help back here! :'''Kron''': Watch yourself, boy. ''[leaves with a dismissive snort]'' :'''Neera''': Don't worry. That's how my brother treats newcomers… no matter how charming they are. ''[follows Kron away]'' :'''Zini''': ''[to Aladar]'' You sure know how to catch a girl's [[eye]] there, stud! :'''Eema''': I wouldn't be catching nobody's eye if I was you. Especially Neera's. You just keep your head down, and you mind what Kron tells you. :'''Yar''': Since when do we take orders from the likes of him?! :'''Eema''': ''[chuckles]'' Kron has swatted flies bigger than you, pops. :'''Yar''': I could hold that monster's ''brain'' in the ''palm'' of my-! :'''Aladar''': No, Yar, she's right. Better to keep our heads down with this bunch than get 'em bitten off by ''those'' things. :'''Eema''': ''[The velociraptors hissing]'' Well, you just consider yourself lucky that's ''all'' that's following us. :''[When velociraptors playing fighting biting each other but the raptor stop fighting, and furious looking an scaring eye behind to it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, The herd of dinosaurs sleeping on at night, but after that, the sun will rises up in the desert, the herd waking up in the morning to time to moving on. Zini looks find Aladar and his friends are sleeping over in the desert.]'' :'''Zini''': ''[Aladar snoring]'' Hey wake up, enough with the beauty sleep! You're ravishing already! ''[Aladar snoring again, he looks confused and checking open Aladar's eye, sarcastically]'' Hey! Hello! Anybody in there? :'''Aladar''': ''[Get up and swoop Zini into his nostril]'' Zini, what are you ''doing?'' :'''Zini''': I believe you left a wake-up call for the dawn of time. COME ON! Move it! :'''Aladar''': What's the hurry? :'''Zini''': Something's up. The herd's gathering without us. Let's check it out. :'''Bruton''': Rise and shine! Kron says everybody goes. ''[trying to Iguanodon's stomach, and up in the feet]'' Come on, get up! On your feet! :'''Zini''': ''[looks joking]'' Heh. The charm never stops around here. :'''Bruton''': ''[looks confused to Aladar]'' You saying something? :'''Aladar''': Uh, no, no, sir. :''[Bruton walking towards to Aladar around, angoring sensing on each side around in the herd]'' :'''Bruton''': Unless you got a ''death'' wish, you and that little ''parasite'' better get MOVING! :'''Zini''': ''[sarcastically; about Bruton]'' Sheesh! Is that guy ugly or what? Hey, hey, hey, ''[to Neera]'' there's your girlfriend. :'''Aladar''': What are you takin' about? :'''Zini''': You know what I'm takin' about: Neera. ''[about Neera]'' Scaly skin, Yellow eyes. Big ankles. :'''Aladar''': Yeah, I made a real I'm on her. :'''Zini''': ''[whilst combing his head back with his head]'' What you need is a little help from the 'love monkey.' :'''Aladar''': The 'love monkey?' :'''Zini''': Ow! Baby! ''[calling howling out to Neera and the 2 iguandon children]'' :''[Aladar nervously laughs]'' :'''Neera''': ''[About Aladar]'' That, children, is what's known as a jerkasaurus. :'''Zini''': And with that, the ice is broken. :''[When Aladar turning around the herd, Bruton makes the distinctive bellowing roar (the sound that no other dinosaur makes in the movie) with the herd, suddenly, Kron's make attention in the desert]'' :'''Kron''': We've got a lot of first-timers here. Make sure they get it. We stop for nothing, and no one. :''[Silence to the herd]'' :'''Bruton''': ''[turns to herd]'' If this is your first crossing, listen up. There is ''no'' water till we reach the other side. And you'd better keep up, 'cause if a predator catches you, you're on your own. Move out! :''[Bruton head out the herd to start moving. Kron and the herd vision walking cross the desert]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh, my goodness. It looks like a very long walk. :'''Eema''': And hot. If you smell somethin' sizzlin', it could be me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kron''': We're moving too slow. :'''Bruton''': I'll pick up the pace. ''[Bruton makes the distinctive bellowing roar (no other dinosaur in the movie makes a sound that the Iguanodons make) to keep moving out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yar''': Hey, old girl, you're wandering off a bit. :'''Eema''': ''[panting]'' That's all I need: a monkey on my back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eema panting]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[helps Eema get back up]'' On your feet, Eema. We can't let those things eat you. They're out there waiting. :''[Dawn: the Velociraptors are still feeding on the Struthiomimid, when they notice the Carnotaurs and flee]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next day as the herd is traveling to get to the lake, Kron tells his second-in-command, Bruton, to give orders that the herd must keep up because if a predator catches anyone, they're on their own.] :'''Eema''': The lake! :'''Yar''': We made it? :'''Eema''': It's just over that... that hill, baby. :'''Baylene''': Oh, thank goodness. :'''Aladar''': Come on, Eema. Water, remember water? :'''Eema''': Oh, it's time to refresh my memory. ''[Kron drives the herd unmercifully across the hot sunny desert, losing a couple of members in the process, until they finally reach the lake]'' I'm just gonna walk right into that lake until the water's up to my eyeballs and soak it all in. ''[sighs]'' :''[a discover that lake a skeleton dinosaur is a dryed with no water]'' :'''Bruton''': Maybe the rains collected somewhere else. What do you want us to do? :'''Kron''': Take a scout and check the entire perimeter. ''[Bruton to take scout and check the entire perimeter to see if there's any water. a two iguanodon children turns face to Kron]'' ENOUGH! You have to be strong now! The ''nesting grounds'' are only a few days away! KEEP MOVING! :'''Neera''': Kron, we've never gone this far without water: if we keep going like this, we'll lose half the herd. :'''Kron''': Then we save the half that deserves to live. ''[distinctive Iguanodon bellowing roars at herd]'' :'''Baylene''': What? They're moving already? Oh-ho, we'll never keep up. :'''Eema''': There was water here, always water here before. We always had water, always, and... plenty of mud. ''[coughs]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh, Eema, please. The herd won't wait, we must carry on. :'''Aladar''': You gotta get up! :''[Baylene walks rumble]'' :'''Eema''': There was water everywhere. :'''Baylene''': There is no water, dear. :''[as Baylene walks comfort her, Aladar hears something rumble under her feet]'' :'''Aladar''': Baylene, don't move. :'''Baylene''': Oh, what is it? What's wrong? :'''Zini''': ''[as Baylene rumbling her feet above the water]'' Did you hear that? :'''Aladar''': I sure do. Lift your foot, Baylene. :''[She lifts her foot, and Aladar and Zini dig a hole under it]'' :'''Zini''': Ooh! :''[Eema coughs]'' :'''Aladar''': Now press down. :''[Baylene press down, and her titanic size has unearthed the water]'' :'''Zini''': I always did like big girls! :'''Aladar''': Water! :'''Baylene''': Oh, my goodness! :'''Aladar''': ''[makes the distinctive Iguanodon roar to get the herd's attention and calling out the Neera and Kron]'' Water! Come on! :'''Neera''': He found water. :''[Aladar dig a hole to found a water]'' :'''Baylene''': That's it, Eema. Come drink. :''[The others help Eema to drinking a water in the hole, soon, the friends drink, until Kron charges off in the desert]'' :'''Aladar''': Kron, look, all we had to do is dig, and-- :'''Kron''': Good. Now, get out of the way. :''[Kron pushes his way into it while roaring and drinks the water for himself, showing no mercy for the herd charges it]'' :'''Aladar''': Wait! Wait! There's enough for everyone! Ah! :'''Eema''': Ooh! :'''Aladar''': Eema! ''[as he is pushed by the thristy herd trying to make their way to the water; sarcastically]'' That's it! Keep pushing and... ''[he gets shoved to Parasaurolophus]'' Shoving! That's very helpful. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bruton and the scout find no water on their search to them]'' :'''Scout''': Bruton, we've been walking in circles. There's no water here. I think we should get back. :'''Bruton''': Shh. Keep it down. ''[Then Bruton spots a shadow of a Carnotaurus]'' Let's get out of here. :''[a Carnotaurus appears from behind and grabs the scout by the tail, killing him. Then another Carnotaurus appears and tries to kill Bruton, but he manages to escape with wounds. The Carnotaurus eats him, and the other Carnotaurus escape it to him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[One early morning, the friends and the herd sleeps in the desert, Suri tries to ask some timid young Iguanodons to come out on the count of three. Aladar notices and manages to persuade them by convincing them that Suri is harmless]'' :'''Suri''': Now, you come out on 3. 1...2...3! Come on, come on out. No one's gonna hurt you. :'''Aladar''': Hey, hey. What's going on? :'''Suri''': The "little Aladars" haven't had anything to drink. I think they're scared of me. :'''Aladar''': Well, who wouldn't be? You are pretty scary. ''[to the young iguanodons]'' Come on! Take it easy! She's just a hairball. :'''Suri''': And proud of it! Come on; he's going to find you some water! :'''Aladar''': Just dig and press... ''[the young iguanodons fight]'' come on! Let's have a little teamwork. Let's work together a bit. There: just take a foot, and press... ''[All three do so, and water fills the waterhole]''. Good job, Suri. ''[to the young iguanodons]'' So, where're your parents anyway? :'''Neera''': A lot of us are on our own now. ''[beat]''. You like kids, I see. :'''Aladar''': Well, the skinny ones can be a little chewy. ''[both laugh. Beat]''. I'm Aladar... the;–– jerkasaurus. :'''Neera''': Oh! Sorry, about that. :'''Aladar''': You're probably right. :'''Neera''': Why did you help that old one? :'''Aladar''': What else could we do? Leave her behind? Oh! You mean you'd actually;––?! :'''Neera''': Well, that happens all the time... you don't survive if you're not... :'''Aladar''': Strong enough? :'''Neera''': Yeah. :'''Aladar''': Is that you talking? Or your brother? :'''Neera''': Everything's so different... I don't know what to think anymore. :'''Aladar''': Look, Neera, if we all watch out for each other, we all have a chance of getting to your Nesting Grounds. :'''Neera''': You sound so sure. :'''Aladar''': I'm not! But it's all I know. So, water! I'll get you some water. ''[digs]'' :'''Neera''': Can I try? :'''Aladar''': Sure! Just - press! :''[She does. As she bends to drink, their heads knock together]'' :'''Neera''': Oh, sorry. :'''Aladar''': No, you first. :'''Yar''': One down, and... well, one down. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bruton narrowly escapes the Carnotaurs]'' :'''Bruton''': Kron! Carnotaurs! :'''Kron''': ''[confused and disturbed]'' What? They never come this far north! :'''Bruton:''' The fireball must have driven them out. :'''Kron:''' ''[overhears the Carnotaurs roaring]'' '''You've led them right to us!''' '''''MAYBE YOU CAN FEED THEM WITH YOUR HIDE!''''' Move the herd out, double time! :''[Bruton roars for the herd to Leave as Aladar & Neera notice this]'' :'''Aladar:''' What's happening? :'''Neera:''' My brother's moving the herd. Kron! What's going on? :'''Kron:''' Carnotaurs. If we don't keep moving, they'll catch up to us. :'''Aladar:''' But the others in the back, they'll never make it. :'''Kron:''' They'll slow down the predators. :'''Aladar:''' ''You can't sacrifice them like this!'' ''[calls out to the herd]'' HOLD IT! THAT COULD BE YOU BACK THERE, OR YOU! :'''Kron:''' ''[smacks Aladar down to the ground]'' If you ever interfere again, I'll kill you. ''[begins to walk away, but notices Neera approaching Aladar]'' STAY AWAY FROM HIM! ''[pushes Neera away from Aladar, who growls in anger]'' :'''Neera:''' Aladar, no! You just - Just go. I'll be okay. :'''Aladar:''' ''[runs back to warn Baylene, Eema, Url, and the lemurs]'' Let's go! Let's go! Carnotaurs! :'''Yar''': Carno-what? :'''Eema''': Carnotaur! A mouth full of teeth with a bad attitude! Let's go! :'''Aladar''': Come on, you guys, get on, get on! We're gonna get left behind! ''[starts running for the herd]'' Let's go! Hurry up! We're losing them! :'''Plio''': Aladar, slow down! :''[Aladar stops and looks behind to see Baylene and Eema struggling to follow. Then he turns to see Neera, Kron, and the rest of the herd leaving without them. Aladar chooses to stay with Baylene and Eema to ensure their survival]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baylene''': Oh, joy. Blisters! :'''Eema''': I got blisters ON my blisters. :'''Yar''': You don't wanna know where ''I'' got blisters... ''[hears a bellow]'' :'''Eema''': What was that? :'''Baylene''': It came from up ahead. :'''Zini''': Okay, what's the worst thing it could be? :'''Suri''': ''[fearfully]'' A Carnotaur. :'''Zini''': ''[nervous]'' Okay, what's the second worst thing it could be? :'''Baylene''': TWO Carnotaurs! ''[shudders]'' Oh my goodness! O my goodness! :'''Eema''': That's it! I'm gone! :'''Aladar''': Everybody! We don't know for sure! It could be the herd. Let's check it out. :''[They turn the corner to find Bruton, exhausted]'' :'''Eema''': Oh, it's Bruton! :'''Baylene''': It appears we weren't the only ones left behind. :'''Aladar''': What happened? :'''Eema''': Carnotaurs. We should keep moving. :'''Plio''': We can't just leave him here! :'''Eema''': We can if we move fast enough! :'''Aladar''': ''[to Bruton]'' Hey, you don't look so good. Let me help me you. :'''Bruton''': Save your pity. I just need some rest. Now, get away from me! :'''Aladar''': Suit yourself. ''[hears thunder and sees Url with a stalactite in his mouth, moving towards a cave]'' If you change your mind, we'll be in those caves. <hr width="50%"/> :''[they enter the cave]'' :'''Aladar''': It's dark, but at least it's dry. :'''Eema''': I like dry. It's the dark part I'm having trouble with. ''[accidentally steps on Url's spikes]'' OWW! Sorry, Url. Sturdy li'l thing, ain't he? :''[Aladar chuckles]'' :'''Baylene''': Ahem. We appear to have a visitor. :''[They see Bruton limping outside the cave in the rain. He falls; Aladar approaches him]'' :'''Aladar''': You coming in or what? :'''Bruton''': What is it with you? :'''Aladar''': At least I know enough to get in out of the rain. Now, come on. On your feet. ''[helps Bruton up and guides him into the cave]'' Uh, you can lie down with us. It's warmer. :''[Bruton lies down in a corner of the cave by himself]'' :'''Baylene''': May I remind you that he's one of them? :'''Aladar''': Well, looks like he's one of us now. ''[goes to lie down with the others]'' :'''Eema''': Who booked this trip anyway? :'''Aladar''': Ah, you'll be at the Nesting Grounds soon enough. :'''Eema''': Well, when I get there, I'm gonna give Kron a piece of my mind. :'''Aladar''': You tell him, Eema. :''[Url lies on his back and falls asleep]''. :'''Yar''': If I could sleep that deep, I'd be in paradise. :'''Eema''': If you could sleep ''that'' deep, honey, you'd be dead. :'''Plio''': ''[leaps towards Bruton with a special plant in her hands]'' This plant grew on our island. It will make you feel better. ''[takes some of the plant's juice and sprinkles it on Bruton's wounds]'' :'''Bruton''': ''[winces in pain; nods at Aladar]'' Why is he doing this? Pushing them on with false [[hope]]? :'''Plio''': It's hope that's gotten us this far. :'''Bruton''': But why doesn't he let them accept their [[fate]]? I've accepted mine. :'''Plio''': And what ''is'' your fate? :'''Bruton''': To die here. It's the way things are. :'''Plio''': Only if you give up, Bruton. It's your ''[[choice]]'', not your fate. Well, the plant will help. ''[leaps away; Bruton takes the plant]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The footsteps of the Carnotaurs awaken Aladar; he looks out and gazes in surprise at them; Bruton quietly comes up to him]'' :'''Bruton''': ''[whispering]'' Shh. Carnotaurs. :'''Aladar''': ''[whispering]'' What do we do? :'''Bruton''': Wake the others. :''[The Carnotaurs move closer to the cave. Bruton, Eema, Baylene, and the lemurs proceed deeper into the cave. Aladar nudges Url to wake him up; he bellows in fright, and Aladar immediately silences him; the Carnotaurs look up briefly and then continue looking around]'' :'''Baylene:''' Oh! ''[her neck touches the ceiling, causing a rock to fall and hit Eema]'' :''[Aladar attempts to catch it, without success; one of the Carnotaurs examines the rock and sticks its snout through the water and sniffs Aladar before a thunderclap illuminates him; the Carnotaur charges at him]'' :'''Aladar:''' Go! Go! Hurry! Move it, Eema! ''[the Carnotaur grabs him by the tail and drags him back]'' :'''Plio:''' Aladar! Aladar! :''[The Carnotaurs fight over Aladar]'' :'''Bruton:''' ''[leaps into the fray; last words]'' I'll hold them off! You help the others! ''[crashes purposely into the stone columns supporting the roof; he and one of the Carnotaurs are buried]'' :'''Aladar:''' Bruton! ''[He comes back and tries to help Bruton, but the rocks fall on Bruton before he can]'' Bruton! No!! ''[Coughs]'' Bruton! :'''Plio:''' ''[to Aladar]'' You did what you could. :''[A Carnotaurus distance roars on the rocks; Aladar look at the rocks, who's trying to push a rocks trying to get anger and he's very ugly snarling, is the one Carnotaurus left push out of the rocks; A dead second Carnotaurus, Aladar mouns to death Bruton's sacrifice was not completely in vain, as the other Carnotaurus died with him, the large Carnotaurus survives, however, leaving and roaring in vegngence, before continuing his search for the herd.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The herd while gathering in the desert, the two iguanodon children panting, but there's one little falls on the ground, the other little one bellowing, Kron still looking at and when keeps moving. The little one was calling but still, the little one trying get up on your feet]'' :'''Neera''': It's okay, little ones. We're going to make it. ''[she help the little one and continue to move the herd]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aladar, Eema, Url, Baylene and the Lemurs are wandering through the cave. Zini is trying to pass the time by playing "I Spy"] :'''Zini''': Okay, okay, let's do it again, let's do it again. Uh... I spy, with my little eye... :'''Yar''': A rock. :'''Zini''': You got it again! O, you are good. :'''Eema''': Well, I'll tell you what I spy: a dead end. :'''Yar''': What have we done now? :'''Aladar''': I guess we just go back. :'''Zini''': ''[smells something]'' Hang on a moment. :'''Suri''': Zini, what is this? :'''Zini''': You smell that? :'''Suri''': ''[sniffing]'' Yes. :''[Aladar sniffs. Then as Zini pulls out the rocks, we see daylight]'' :'''Eema''': ''[gasps]'' Get a load of that. :'''Baylene''': Nice show. :'''Aladar''': Everybody, stand back. We're outta here! ''[tries to break the rocks, the cave collapses]'' :'''Zini''': '''''RUN!!''''' :'''Suri''': Unh! :'''Eema''': '''''ALADAR, LOOK OUT!!''''' :''[The falling boulders block the daylight]'' :'''Aladar''': '''''No!''''' ''[echoes; tries to break the rocks, but fails]'' :'''Plio''': Aladar, we'll go back. :'''Aladar''': Back to what? It's gone. We're not meant to survive. :'''Baylene''': Oh yes we were! We're here, aren't we? And how dare you waste that good [[fortune]], by simply giving up? Hah, [[shame]] on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! The worst of it is, you allowed an old fool like me to believe I was needed, that I still had a [[purpose]]. And you know what? You were right. And I'm going to keep on believing it. I for one am not willing to die here! ''[rears up and strikes the cave-in again and again]'' :''[The others join in; at length, the wall falls, to reveal a pristine valley beyond]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh my goodness. :'''Eema''': The Nesting Grounds...It's untouched. :'''Plio''': Our new home... :'''Zini''': AND IT COMES WITH A POOL! ''[suri laughing]'' You're lady, you're lady and whooo! :'''Baylene''': Whoo, whoo, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Zini''': ''[Zini on the Baylene's head]'' CANNONBALL! ''[jump in the lake]'' :'''Baylene''': Ha. Amateur. :'''Zini''': ''[Baylene starts to jumps in the lake, fun waves]'' LOOK OUT BELOW! :''[Url watching Baylene fun waves with Zini]'' :'''Aladar''': Not bad! But I don't get it. Where's the herd? :'''Plio''': ''[sotto voice]'' Not to mention Neera! :'''Eema''': Oh, they'll get here...soon enough. Oh, no! :'''Aladar''': Eema? : '''Eema''': I spoke too soon. : '''Aladar''': What is it? :'''Eema''': That, is the way we used to get in here. ''[indicates a towering pile of stones, blocking an entrance to the valley]'' :'''Aladar''': They'll never make it over that! :'''Eema''': Aladar, wait! Wait! Kron'll eat you alive! :'''Aladar:''' Let him try. ''[runs off]'' :'''Eema:''' ''[sighing]'' I just hope Kron's in a listening mood... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kron continues up the landslide with the herd; Neera and the two iguanodon children follow.]'' :'''Neera''': Stay here. ''[walks to Kron and sees the landslide]'' We'll find a way around it. :'''Kron''': In the morning, we'll climb it. :''[On his way back in the cave, Aladar sees a dead Stygimoloch. A Carnotaurus eats it; Aladar manages to escape.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kron''': ''[to the herd]'' We have to keep trying. For our survival, our future is over these rocks. NOW, LET'S GO HOME! ''[the herd starts going over the rocks Kron looks around for someone as an example before seeing the orphans; to the two iguanodon children]'' You'll make it, won't you, boys? ''[starts shoving them with his head]'' :'''Neera:''' ''[to Kron]'' No. :'''Kron:''' Watch them, They're tough! ''[to the herd]'' If they can do it, '''SO CAN YOU!''' :''[The herd hesitates, then continue toward the rocks]'' :'''Aladar''': KRON! ''[they look back as he approaches the herd]'' Get the herd out of here! A Carnotaur's coming! :'''Kron''': ''[to the herd]'' Keep moving! :'''Aladar:''' Stop! I've been to the valley! There's a safer way! :'''Kron''': ''[angrily to the two orphan iguanodon children]'' Go on! Show them!'' [he shoves one of the orphans]'' :'''Neera''': Kron, listen to him! :'''Aladar''': Look, we've got to go now! :'''Kron''': Go where?! Straight to the Carnotaurs?! :'''Aladar''': If we hurry, we can get around them! You can't get over those rocks! There's a sheer drop on the other side! ''[Kron angrily shoves the orphans more]'' YOU'RE GONNA KILL THE HERD! I know a way to the valley, and everybody can make it! ''[to the herd]'' Now, follow me! :''[Kron approaches the herd]'' :'''Neera''': Kron! :'''Kron''': <big>'''THEY'RE STAYING WITH ME!'''</big> :'''Aladar''': ''[to the herd]'' All right let's go! :''[Fed up with being challenged, Kron loses his temper and attacks Aladar, who fights back. Kron violently attacks Aladar, but he then gets knocked to the ground by Aladar twice. Kron throws sand in Aladar's eyes, slashes Aladar across his chest with his spiked thumb by making a deep cut, knocks Aladar into the ground, and nearly kills Aladar by delivering a deadly strike, but Neera saves Aladar by knocking Kron to the ground. Neera, having grown fed up with Kron's stubbornness and cruelty, turns against Kron by helping Aladar to continue towards the valley along with the herd]'' :'''Kron''': ''[shocked, then livid]'' '''''<big>NEERA!!!!</big>''''' ''[Neera doesn't flinch, so Kron starts climbing over the rocks all by himself, but the carnotaur approaches the herd]'' He's led that monster right to us! This way! ''[continues climbing over the rocks]'' :'''Aladar''': No! Don't move! If we scatter, he'll pick us off! ''[to the herd]'' Stand together! :''[The carnotaur roars at Aladar, who roars back. Neera joins Aladar, along with the herd, forcing the carnotaur to ignore the herd and head towards Kron; Aladar and Neera give chase]'' :'''Neera''': Kron! :''[Kron makes it up to the top, but realizes that the entrance is blocked, and he's cornered]'' :'''Kron''': ''[last words]'' No, no! ''[attacks the carnotaur, who wounds him]'' :''[Aladar, and Neera start fighting with the carnotaur, and Aladar knocks it to its death below. Aladar and Neera walk slowly toward Kron's body]'' :'''Neera''': Kron. :''[Neera nudges Kron's head, but he is already dead. Aladar and Neera embrace each other in sorrow. Later, Aladar, Neera, and the herd head through the cave entrance and finally make it into the valley]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[to Neera]'' Welcome home. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines: Sometime later, the eggs on the nesting grounds, Aladar and Neera become mates and have a nest in the valley]'' :'''Eema''': Move over, everybody! Bringin' in babies is what I do best! :'''Yar''': I'd say it's been a few years since you hatched anything! :''[Both laugh]'' :'''Eema''': You're right. So, let me practice on your head! :'''Plio''': Look! Somebody wants to meet you! ''[to the newborn iguanodon]'' Oh, aren't you the cutest little small-fry I ever did see! :'''Aladar''': Hey, little guy! He looks just like me!. :'''Neera''': Meet your dad. He's not as crazy as he looks. :'''Baylene''': Well done, little one! :'''Yar''': Come 'ere, you little rascal; lemme take a good look at you... ''[the baby pees on him]'' yep. You're your father's son all right. ''[hands the baby over to Plio]'' :'''Zini''': ''[arrives]'' Hey, look what I found! New neighbors! ''[indicates five female lemurs]''. Any of you ladies up for a game of "Monkey in the Middle"? ''[female lemurs playing on him]'' Easy, now! Easy! Hey! :''[The lemurs laughing, Aladar bellows in joy, followed by Neera, Eema, Baylene, and finally the whole herd of surviving dinosaurs.]'' :'''Plio''': ''[closing narration]'' And so, None of us we know what changes, big and small, lie ahead. One thing is certain; our journey's not over. We can only hope that, in some small way, our time here will be remembered. ==Taglines== * Discover a world you've only imagined ==Voice cast== * [[w:D.B. Sweeney|D.B. Sweeney]] as Aladar the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * [[w:Alfre Woodard|Alfre Woodard]] as Pilo the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Ossie Davis|Ossie Davis]] as Yar the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Max Casella|Max Casella]] as Zini the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Hayden Panettiere|Hayden Panettiere]] as Suri the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Samuel E. Wright|Samuel E. Wright]] as Kron the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * [[w:Julianna Margulies|Julianna Margulies]] as Neera the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * Peter Siragusa as Bruton the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * [[w:Joan Plowright|Joan Plowright]] as Baylene the [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]] * [[w:Della Reese|Della Reese]] as Eema the [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]] == External links == {{Wikipedia|Dinosaur (2000 film)}} *{{IMDb title|0130623}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2000 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2000 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:Animated films about dinosaurs]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] ooil1slpx1s9wg5us271hn0fzwy47iq 3955109 3955100 2026-06-21T17:37:21Z ~2026-36153-56 3344309 3955109 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Dinosaur (2000 film)|Dinosaur]]''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] live-action/computer-animated feature film produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] featuring anthropomorphic [[Dinosauria|dinosaur]]s. It tells the story of Aladar, an Iguanodon whose egg was snatched and dropped on a remote island. :''Directed by Eric Leighton and [[w:Ralph Zondag|Ralph Zondag]]. Written by Ralph Zondag, [[w:John Harrison (filmmaker)|John Harrison]], and [[w:Robert Nelson Jacobs|Robert Nelson Jacobs]]. Music by [[w:James Newton Howard|James Newton Howard]].'' {{center|'''Discover a world you've only imagined''' ([[Dinosaur (film)#Taglines|taglines]])}} ==Aladar== * Oh, no! Attacking lemurs! Suri, please! I can't take it! There are too many of you! Come on! Pick on someone your own size! Help! * You're missin' all the action, pal. Come on! ==Eema== * Walkin' backward, huh? Well, let me know if that gets you there any faster! Keep those little legs moving, Url, or you'll get left behind! * Well, you just consider yourself lucky, that's ''all'' that's following us. * ''[about to cross the desert]'' If you smell something sizzling, it could be me. * Who booked this trip anyway? ==Plio== * ''[opening narration]'' Some things start out big, and some things start out small, very small. But sometimes the smallest thing can make the biggest changes of all. * It's okay. We'll teach him to hate meat. * You're never going to forget this day, so make it one to remember. * Oh, Aladar, if only there was someone on the island for you. Well, you know, who looks like you, but prettier. * ''[closing narration]'' None of us really know what changes, big or small, lie ahead. One thing is certain: our journey's not over. We can only hope that, in some small way, our time here will be remembered. ==Zini== * This monster's got no teeth! What's he gonna do? Gum us to death? * Hey, I'm lucky to be rid of them. With the ladies, before you know it, they all wanna move to a bigger tree. * What you need is a little help from the love monkey. * Hey, enough with the beauty sleep! You're ravishing already! == Dialogue == :''[First lines; A life in the egg of ''[[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]]'' name Aladar]'' :'''Plio''': ''[narrating]'' Some things start out big, and some things start out small, very small. But sometimes the smallest thing can make the biggest changes of all. :''[Aladar's mother taking care of her nest of eggs. A baby ''[[w:Parasaurolophus|Parasaurolophus]]'' sniffs one of the eggs (presumably Aladar's egg), but Aladar's Mother scares it away. It then runs to the other nests, but gets frightened away by dinosaur mother guarding them. A herd of ''[[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]]'' also called a ''[[w:Giraffatitan|Giraffatitian]]'' in the lakes. The Parasaurolophus runs through the river, and follows a ''[[w:Longisquama|Longisquama.]]'' The Longisquama catches a dragonfly and eats it. The young Parasaurolophus then chases the flying lizard and runs into the forest, where it lands on something half-hidden. The Parasaurolophus then sees drops of saliva landing on a tree branch and notices the Longisquama has landed on the nose of a ''[[w:Carnotaurus|Carnotaurus]]''. The Parasaurolophus runs out of the forest and gets chased by the Carnotaurus, which panics all of the dinosaurs present in the Nesting Grounds. As Aladar's mother abandons her nest, the Carnotaurus smashes all but one of the eggs in the Iguanodon's nest in the process. Ultimately, the chase ends when the Carnotaurus runs down and kills a ''[[w:Pachyrhinosaurus|Pachyrhinosaurus,]]''. An ''[[w:Oviraptor|Oviraptor]]'' seizes Aladar's egg left unharmed and hurries off into the jungle. Another Oviraptor swipes it from its grasp. They fight, and it falls down into the river below. As it is swept away by the current, it was swallowed, then spat out, by a ''[[w:Koolasuchus|Koolasuchus;]]'', floats between a pair of quarreling ''[[w:Talarurus|Talarurus;]]'' moved towards the river's center by a herd of drinking Pachyrhinosaurus; and finally picked up by a ''[[w:Pteranodon|Pteranodon]]'' that carries it far away to ''[[w:Lemur|Lemur]]'' island. Baby Pteranodons are watching; a two ''[[w:Ichtyornis|Ichtyornis]]'' pester the parent Pteranodon and it drops the egg on the island.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[When a dinosaur egg falls on the island. A colony of lemurs scatter in a frenzy. 4 lemurs approach: Plio, Yar, Zini, and Suri.]'' :'''Young Zini''': Yar, what is it? :'''Yar''': I don't know. PLIO, GET BACK HERE! We don't know what it is! :'''Young Zini''': Plio, be careful. :''[Plio sneak over sensing, she got present when the egg cracks, then opens the shell and is happy to see a baby iguanodon]'' :'''Plio''': Dad, get over here. :'''Yar''': ''[pulls Zini to safety]'' Zini, it's not safe! :'''Young Zini''': Oh, I always have to go when stuff's happening. :'''Yar''': ''[scoffs at Zini and gets closer to Plio]'' Well, what is it? :'''Plio''': It was an egg. ''[to baby Aladar]'' Look. ''[Yar gasps in shock]'' What? :'''Yar''': It's a cold-blooded monster from across the sea: vicious, flesh-eating! ''[Baby Aladar burps]'' Eurgh... :'''Plio''': Looks like a baby to me. :'''Yar''': Babies grow up! You keep that thing, one day, we'll turn our backs, it'll be picking us out of it's ''teeth!'' ''[to the other lemurs]'' Things like THAT eat things lie US as snacks! :''[Some lemurs yelp in fear]'' :'''Plio''': So, what do we do? :'''Yar''': Get rid of it! ''[trying to dissuade Plio from raising the baby Aladar]'' :'''Plio''': ''[vexed]'' ''What'' has gotten into you? :'''Yar''': ''[exasperated]'' Plio...That ''thing'' is dangerous! :'''Plio''': ''[to baby Aladar; regretfully sighs]'' I'm sorry, little one. ''[to Yar, handling baby Aladar over to him]'' Okay, get rid of it. ''[Yar gasps]'' Hmph. ''[sits on a patch of moss to watch]'' :'''Yar''': All right, I will. ''[lifts baby Aladar over the edge of the branch, preparing to drop the dinosaur baby to his death. All the other lemurs are watching him. He hesitates]'' :'''Plio''': ''[sarcastically]'' You'd better hurry up, Dad. It looks hungry. :'''Yar''': Hmph! ''[looks at baby Aladar. Baby Aladar comes and looks at him with droopy eyelids. He closes his eyes and sighs, defeated. He hears a strange sound and opens his eyes to see that baby Aladar is peeing on him. Disgusted, defeated; handling Aladar back to Plio]'' Rmmm...Here. :'''Plio''': ''[smiling]'' It's okay. We'll teach him to hate meat. :'''Yar''': Hmph. Watch his head! ''[Plio looks up]'' I-I mean, watch it! he could bite. ''[walks away]'' :''[Other lemurs, including Zini, leap up to Baby Aladar]'' :'''Young Zini:''' This "monster's" got no teeth! What's he gonna do? Gum us to death? :'''Plio:''' Zini, come on: look at that sweet little face. Does that look like a monster to you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Years later, Suri and other lemur children are chased by the grown-up Aladar for fun]'' :'''Suri''': Let me out! Let me out! ''[inside Aladar's mouth; he spits her into the thicket]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[coughs]'' Hairball! ''[coughs]'' :'''Suri''': That was great! Get him! :'''Aladar''': ''[lemur children start tickling him]'' Oh, no! Attacking lemurs! Suri, please! I can't take it! There are too many of you! Come on! Pick on someone your own size! Help! ''[Plio looks on, laughing]'' Augh! Augh! Augh! Ahhhh. ''[playing dead]'' :'''Suri''': Aladar? you're not dead. :'''Aladar''': ''[suddenly]'' No! :''[Suri and company laugh]'' :'''Plio''': All right, guys, break it up. Remember the courtship? You gonna miss seeing all that smooching. :'''Suri''': Aw, Mom. :'''Aladar''': That's okay, Plio. We can smooch right here. ''[blows kisses; Suri and her friends leap away]'' :'''Plio''': ''[sarcastically]'' Heh. It's a shame you don't like kids. :'''Aladar''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ugh. Nasty little vermin. :'''Plio''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ha-ha. Go find Zini. He's rehearing pickup lines. Let's hope he's find found some new material. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zini''': ''[rehearsing]'' "Hey, sweetie. If you'll be my bride, I'll groom ya." That is good. Oh, that's good. "Girls, I'm known as the 'professor of love' and school's in session." Yeah, I still got it. :'''Aladar''': ''[walks up to him]'' I hope it's not contagious. :'''Zini''': I'm a raging epidemic of romance. :'''Aladar''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, hot stuff. Let's get goin': you don't wanna to miss Yar's annual pep talk. :'''Zini''': Oh goody: I can't wait to hear the mating advice of an old monkey. :'''Aladar''': Hey-hey-hey, I heard that in this day, that old monkey was quite a swinger. :'''Zini''': You takin' about ''Yar?'' :'''Aladar''': Yeah! To hear him tell it, he put the "prime" in "[[primate]]". :'''Zini''': ''[sarcastically]'' Really? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yar''': ''[both are giving mating advice, Yar to the males, Plio to the females]'' Okay, boys, gather around: listen and learn from the Master. :'''Plio''': Now girls, don't jump into the trees after the first boy with a cute back-flip: it's more fun if you keep them guessing. :'''Yar''': And if a cute back-flip doesn't work, guess. :'''Plio''': You're never going to forget this day, so make it one to remember. :'''Yar''': But if you mess up, don't worry: they'll never remember. :'''Aladar''': Come on, guys! We don't wanna let 'em down! :'''Yar''': Go on, now. Chest up! Chin up! :'''Male Lemur''': Whoo! :'''Yar''': ''[to Aladar]'' Make 'em look good, son. :'''Aladar''': Come on, Yar. My charm, and your brains? No problem. ''[Yar laughs. Aladar has male courting lemurs on his back and escorts them to the tree]'' Hey girls, look what just pulled into town. :'''Male Lemur''': Hey, ladies! :'''Aladar''': Your buffet table of love! :''[The female lemurs laugh]'' :'''Male Lemurs''': Right here! Right here! Hey, beautiful! :'''Zini''': Hey, free samples! Get me while I'm hot! Whoa! ''[grabs Aladar's tail and chuckles]'' :'''Suri''': Zini. ''[laughs]'' :''[The males are courting in the tree]'' :'''Zini''': Whoo! Wah-hoo! :''[Plio, Yar, Zini, Suri trill, and Aladar bellows. Zini falls on the bush. Suri laughing at him. The male Lemurs jump out of the tree, in the vines swinging around, Zini trying sticks the branches, Aladar take a little branch to help Zini and throws him over the vine]'' :'''Aladar''': You're missin' all the action, pal. Come on! :'''Zini''': Hey, haven't you heard? I am the action! WHOO! Whoo-ah! :''[The female lemurs climb the vines. Every lemur ends up finding a mate except Zini, who snags his feet on a vine before he could even swing forward.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[By the time he unsticks himself, all the female lemurs have left, much to his disappointment. Aladar tries to comfort Zini, who seems to take it okay and believes he will get another chance at finding girls]'' :'''Aladar''': Ah, don't worry, Zini. You'll always have next year. :'''Zini''': Hey, I'm lucky to be rid of them. With the ladies, before you know it, they all wanna move to a bigger tree. :'''Yar''': ''[to Plio]'' Ah well. Poor Zini. The clan still has one bachelor. :'''Plio''': No. We have two. ''[to Aladar]'' Well, it's never been his best event. :'''Aladar''': He's got a tougher hide than mine. :'''Plio''': Oh, Aladar. If only there were someone on the island for you. You know; who looks like you, but prettier. :'''Aladar''': Come on, Plio. What more could I want? ''[There seen a fireballs in the sky]'' Whoa! :''[Aladar look at the fireballs in the sky, as Pilo, Yar and Suri watching in the sky. as Aladar look up the sky, Suri come and look at Aladar, but it know are coming]'' :'''Suri''': What are they? :'''Aladar''': I don't know. :''[Suri up in the tree to take a look, a fireballs falls out in the skies there minions tons of them. Zini watching over us, Plio and Yar hearing these fireballs past to it. Plio look for a flock of Ichthyornis in the skies; Yar sniffing]'' :'''Plio''': Dad? :'''Yar''': ''[about the asteroid]'' Something wrong. :'''Plio''': ''[to Aladar]'' Aladar, where's Suri? :'''Aladar''': ''[about Suri]'' She's up in the...tree. :''[Plio is present when an asteroid falls from the sky and then strikes to it, causing violent tremors. But still it hard blow the lemur's island]'' :'''Plio''': COME ON! Go, go! COME ON! :'''Suri''': ''[off-screen]'' Mom! :'''Plio''': Suri! :'''Suri''': ''[crying for help after observing the disaster]'' Mom!! Mom!!! :'''Aladar''': Suri! :'''Suri''': ''[off-screen]'' ''Mom!'' :'''Aladar''': Suri, where are you?! :''[Plio want to find and save Suri in the tree, and she back down to Aladar]'' :'''Plio:''' ''[Frantically after asteriod strikes]'' Run, Aladar! ''Run!'' '''Run!''' :''[Many fireballs soon start falling, and Aladar runs with the lemurs]'' :'''Aladar:''' Yar, Come on! :'''Plio:''' Zini! :'''Aladar:''' ZINI! :'''Plio:''' Jump! :'''Aladar:''' JUMP! :'''Plio:''' JUMP! ''[Zini getting chased by Asteriod in the island and jump, but Plio grabs a hand to him]'' Hold on! :''[as the fireballs, we're getting by destroyed by the lemur island. Aladar, Plio, Yar, Zini and Suri chased by asteroid; but then look down the cliff. He turns around to see the massive cloud of fire barreling towards him. He quickly jumps into the sea as the cloud passes over. Aladar and his lemur family swim to the mainland, only to find out that it was also devastated by the asteroid]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[coughs]'' Plio! Yar! Where are you?! ''[coughs]'' :'''Plio''': Aladar, over here! :''[as Aladar trying to save the lemurs by the asteriod, the waves gathering. Yar coughing, Aladar sighing, are the fires diaster. They all turn back to the island to see that it completely destroyed, the flames from the island illuminating it in an orange glow. Suri goes up to the edge of the mainland and calls out to the island, trying to hear if anyone on the island survived, but she gets no response. Suri weeps, as she realizes that everyone on the island is gone, and Aladar bellows a similar mournful roar. Plio comforts her daughter]'' :'''Plio''': Oh, Suri. Easy, easy. ''[give it hug to Suri]'' :''[after a asteroid devastates Lemur Island]'' :'''Suri''': ''[crying]'' They're all gone. :'''Plio''': Shh, shh. I'm right here. :''[Suri crying]'' :'''Aladar''': Come on. We can't stay here. :''[With that, they climb onto Aladar, who looks one last time at the island, the birds are flying in the skies, that was once his and his family's home before turning around and walking off.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aladar and his closest family in the desert; suri stills cries on Aladar's back]'' :'''Yar''': Now, now, Suri. There's nothing to be afraid of. :'''Zini''': ''[to hearing noise calling]'' LOOK! :'''Yar''': Ah! :'''Aladar''': Whoa! ''[velociraptor runs off]'' Do you see that? :'''Yar''': What? :'''Zini''': I did. :'''Suri''': Me too! :'''Plio''': Where did it go? :'''Aladar''': I don't know. Let's go see. :'''Yar''': Leave it alone. Hey! :'''Plio''': Shh, Dad! :'''Yar''': It-It's 'scaring' Suri. :'''Suri''': No, it's not. :'''Aladar''': Everyone just be quiet. :''[as Aladar and the lemurs walk through the barren wasteland, they see a ''[[w:velociraptor|velociraptor,]]'' he looks curious on what it is and decide to check it out. When they find it, the raptor snarls at them. and soon seven others appear and start chasing them. The velociraptor jumps on Aladar and bites him on the side, and he roars of pain, the other Velociraptor jumps and snap it to Yar in the Aladar's back while he falls down]'' :'''Plio''': Yar, grab on! :'''Yar''': I can't ''reach!'' :''[as Yar grab his Plio's hand to it, when velociraptor jumps and climbs and tries eats it snap to him it misses. until it jumps back the pack of velociraptors, and Aladar escapes from the raptors]'' :'''Plio''': Aladar, they're stopping! :'''Aladar''': ''[Then soon, the raptors ran away when the surviving dinosaur herd appears]'' Huh? :''[Aladar led the Kron, came by]'' :'''Kron:''' ''[his first words after he knocks Aladar down] Stay out of my way!'' :'''Bruton:''' ''[his first words]'' You heard Kron! MOVE IT!! :''[Aladar sees a dinosaur herd walking past him, then sees baby iguanodons walking under him]'' :'''Neera''': ''[bumps into Aladar]'' Watch it! :''[As Aladar looks at Neera, he sees a Pachyrhinosaurus that walks into him with its nasal horn, knocking him to the ground, then a pack of Microceratops jump over him and the lemurs]'' :'''Yar''': Zini, get your head down! ''[sees Baylene, a brachiosaur; she strides over him]'' :'''Eema''': ''[walking by]'' Walkin' backward, huh? Well, let me know if that gets you there any faster! Keep those little legs moving, Url, or you'll get left behind! :'''Suri''': Look at all the Aladars! :'''Yar''': If you're even thinking of joining up... :''[the Velociraptors snarl from behind]'' :'''Aladar''': Hang on! ''[catches up with Baylene]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Soon after, they encounter of a herd of various dinosaurs (Iguanodons, Parasaurolophus, Styracosaurus, Pachyrhinosaurus, Microceratus, ''[[w:Struthiominus|Struthiominus,]]'' and ''[[w:Stygimoloch|Stygimoloch.)]]'' It led by Kron as each other]'' :'''Bruton''': Kron, There is a more protected spot further down the-- :'''Kron''': We'll rest here for the night. Go ahead, Bruton. :''[Bruton shows a bellow roars at the herd, as Aladar walking towards the herd]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh, Eema! I wish we were at your nesting grounds now! All this pushing and shoving about, just for a place to sleep! I'm not used to this kind of behavior. :'''Eema''': Baylene, you've got big feet; just give 'em a kick! ''[shoves a stygimoloch]'' GET! :'''Baylene''': Oh, I couldn't possibly... eh, shoo! Shoo! :'''Eema''': Would you come on, Baylene? If you wanna get to the nesting grounds alive, show some backbone! :'''Aladar''': Hey there! :'''Eema''': Ahhh! :'''Aladar''': ''[after spooking Eema]'' Oh... sorry about that. Uh, it's just that, we overhead you talking and, umm... :''[Url drops a rock enthusiastically at his feet just like a dog, Aladar looks confused]'' :'''Eema''': Well, my word. Look at Url. He doesn't normally warm up to strangers so fast. :'''Baylene''': ''[Sniffing the lemurs on Aladar's back and sneezing to lemurs]'' What an unfortunate blemish. :'''Eema''': Good mud bath would clear those right up. :'''Yar''': ''Excuse'' me? :''[Eema growls in surprise]'' :'''Aladar''': Um, he's my grandfather. ''[chuckles]'' Couple of times removed. :'''Zini''': Or a couple of ''species'' removed. :'''Aladar''': My name's Aladar. This is my family. We're all that's left. :'''Baylene''': Oh, dear. I'm so sorry. :'''Eema''': Baylene's the last of her kind. Finding stragglers like her all along the way! :'''Plio''': I heard you say something about "Nesting Grounds". :'''Eema''': It is the most beautiful place there is, child. It's where the herd goes to have their babies. :'''Suri''': Will we find anybody that looks...like us there? :'''Eema''': Oh, the last few days, I've seen 'em all shapes and sizes. Who knows what we'll find? The hard job now is just ''getting'' there. :'''Baylene''': And we're being driven unmercifully. :'''Aladar''': By who? :'''Eema''': Kron, the herd's head honcho. :'''Baylene''': We can hardly keep up. An older woman like myself, it's...well, it's positively indecent. :'''Aladar''': Then tell him! What's the worst he can do? ''[Neera, Kron, and Bruton approach; Url nervously walks out of the way; Bruton growls; Kron rudely pushes past]'' Hey! What's ''his'' problem? :'''Eema''': That's him, honey, Kron. :'''Aladar''': ''[runs up to Kron]'' Huh. Excuse me! Kron! Got a second? :'''Bruton:''' Get lost kid! :'''Kron:''' ''[chuckles]'' Relax Bruton. ''[comes up to Aladar]'' Who are you? :'''Aladar:''' Uh...Aladar. :'''Kron:''' Why aren't you up here with the— ''[notices the lemurs on Aladar's back]'' ...uh, young bloods? ''[snorts at them]'' :'''Aladar:''' Well, I was back here talking to these guys. I guess they're having a hard time keeping up. So, you know, maybe you could slow down a bit? :''[Neera chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Kron''': Hmm! Let the weak set the pace. Now, ''there's'' an idea. Better let me do the thinking from now on, Aladar. :'''Aladar''': Hey! They need help back here! :'''Kron''': Watch yourself, boy. ''[leaves with a dismissive snort]'' :'''Neera''': Don't worry. That's how my brother treats newcomers… no matter how charming they are. ''[follows Kron away]'' :'''Zini''': ''[to Aladar]'' You sure know how to catch a girl's [[eye]] there, stud! :'''Eema''': I wouldn't be catching nobody's eye if I was you. Especially Neera's. You just keep your head down, and you mind what Kron tells you. :'''Yar''': Since when do we take orders from the likes of him?! :'''Eema''': ''[chuckles]'' Kron has swatted flies bigger than you, pops. :'''Yar''': I could hold that monster's ''brain'' in the ''palm'' of my-! :'''Aladar''': No, Yar, she's right. Better to keep our heads down with this bunch than get 'em bitten off by ''those'' things. :'''Eema''': ''[The velociraptors hissing]'' Well, you just consider yourself lucky that's ''all'' that's following us. :''[When velociraptors playing fighting biting each other but the raptor stop fighting, and furious looking an scaring eye behind to it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, The herd of dinosaurs sleeping on at night, but after that, the sun will rises up in the desert, the herd waking up in the morning to time to moving on. Zini looks find Aladar and his friends are sleeping over in the desert.]'' :'''Zini''': ''[Aladar snoring]'' Hey wake up, enough with the beauty sleep! You're ravishing already! ''[Aladar snoring again, he looks confused and checking open Aladar's eye, sarcastically]'' Hey! Hello! Anybody in there? :'''Aladar''': ''[Get up and swoop Zini into his nostril]'' Zini, what are you ''doing?'' :'''Zini''': I believe you left a wake-up call for the dawn of time. COME ON! Move it! :'''Aladar''': What's the hurry? :'''Zini''': Something's up. The herd's gathering without us. Let's check it out. :'''Bruton''': Rise and shine! Kron says everybody goes. ''[trying to Iguanodon's stomach, and up in the feet]'' Come on, get up! On your feet! :'''Zini''': ''[looks joking]'' Heh. The charm never stops around here. :'''Bruton''': ''[looks confused to Aladar]'' You saying something? :'''Aladar''': Uh, no, no, sir. :''[Bruton walking towards to Aladar around, angoring sensing on each side around in the herd]'' :'''Bruton''': Unless you got a ''death'' wish, you and that little ''parasite'' better get MOVING! :'''Zini''': ''[sarcastically; about Bruton]'' Sheesh! Is that guy ugly or what? Hey, hey, hey, ''[to Neera]'' there's your girlfriend. :'''Aladar''': What are you takin' about? :'''Zini''': You know what I'm takin' about: Neera. ''[about Neera]'' Scaly skin, Yellow eyes. Big ankles. :'''Aladar''': Yeah, I made a real I'm on her. :'''Zini''': ''[whilst combing his head back with his head]'' What you need is a little help from the 'love monkey.' :'''Aladar''': The 'love monkey?' :'''Zini''': Ow! Baby! ''[calling howling out to Neera and the 2 iguandon children]'' :''[Aladar nervously laughs]'' :'''Neera''': ''[About Aladar]'' That, children, is what's known as a jerkasaurus. :'''Zini''': And with that, the ice is broken. :''[When Aladar turning around the herd, Bruton makes the distinctive bellowing roar (the sound that no other dinosaur makes in the movie) with the herd, suddenly, Kron's make attention in the desert]'' :'''Kron''': We've got a lot of first-timers here. Make sure they get it. We stop for nothing, and no one. :''[Silence to the herd]'' :'''Bruton''': ''[turns to herd]'' If this is your first crossing, listen up. There is ''no'' water till we reach the other side. And you'd better keep up, 'cause if a predator catches you, you're on your own. Move out! :''[Bruton head out the herd to start moving. Kron and the herd vision walking cross the desert]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh, my goodness. It looks like a very long walk. :'''Eema''': And hot. If you smell somethin' sizzlin', it could be me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kron''': We're moving too slow. :'''Bruton''': I'll pick up the pace. ''[Bruton makes the distinctive bellowing roar (no other dinosaur in the movie makes a sound that the Iguanodons make) to keep moving out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yar''': Hey, old girl, you're wandering off a bit. :'''Eema''': ''[panting]'' That's all I need: a monkey on my back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eema panting]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[helps Eema get back up]'' On your feet, Eema. We can't let those things eat you. They're out there waiting. :''[Dawn: the Velociraptors are still feeding on the Struthiomimid, when they notice the Carnotaurs and flee]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next day as the herd is traveling to get to the lake, Kron tells his second-in-command, Bruton, to give orders that the herd must keep up because if a predator catches anyone, they're on their own.] :'''Eema''': The lake! :'''Yar''': We made it? :'''Eema''': It's just over that... that hill, baby. :'''Baylene''': Oh, thank goodness. :'''Aladar''': Come on, Eema. Water, remember water? :'''Eema''': Oh, it's time to refresh my memory. ''[Kron drives the herd unmercifully across the hot sunny desert, losing a couple of members in the process, until they finally reach the lake]'' I'm just gonna walk right into that lake until the water's up to my eyeballs and soak it all in. ''[sighs]'' :''[a discover that lake a skeleton dinosaur is a dryed with no water]'' :'''Bruton''': Maybe the rains collected somewhere else. What do you want us to do? :'''Kron''': Take a scout and check the entire perimeter. ''[Bruton to take scout and check the entire perimeter to see if there's any water. a two iguanodon children turns face to Kron]'' ENOUGH! You have to be strong now! The ''nesting grounds'' are only a few days away! KEEP MOVING! :'''Neera''': Kron, we've never gone this far without water: if we keep going like this, we'll lose half the herd. :'''Kron''': Then we save the half that deserves to live. ''[distinctive Iguanodon bellowing roars at herd]'' :'''Baylene''': What? They're moving already? Oh-ho, we'll never keep up. :'''Eema''': There was water here, always water here before. We always had water, always, and... plenty of mud. ''[coughs]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh, Eema, please. The herd won't wait, we must carry on. :'''Aladar''': You gotta get up! :''[Baylene walks rumble]'' :'''Eema''': There was water everywhere. :'''Baylene''': There is no water, dear. :''[as Baylene walks comfort her, Aladar hears something rumble under her feet]'' :'''Aladar''': Baylene, don't move. :'''Baylene''': Oh, what is it? What's wrong? :'''Zini''': ''[as Baylene rumbling her feet above the water]'' Did you hear that? :'''Aladar''': I sure do. Lift your foot, Baylene. :''[She lifts her foot, and Aladar and Zini dig a hole under it]'' :'''Zini''': Ooh! :''[Eema coughs]'' :'''Aladar''': Now press down. :''[Baylene press down, and her titanic size has unearthed the water]'' :'''Zini''': I always did like big girls! :'''Aladar''': Water! :'''Baylene''': Oh, my goodness! :'''Aladar''': ''[makes the distinctive Iguanodon roar to get the herd's attention and calling out the Neera and Kron]'' Water! Come on! :'''Neera''': He found water. :''[Aladar dig a hole to found a water]'' :'''Baylene''': That's it, Eema. Come drink. :''[The others help Eema to drinking a water in the hole, soon, the friends drink, until Kron charges off in the desert]'' :'''Aladar''': Kron, look, all we had to do is dig, and-- :'''Kron''': Good. Now, get out of the way. :''[Kron pushes his way into it while roaring and drinks the water for himself, showing no mercy for the herd charges it]'' :'''Aladar''': Wait! Wait! There's enough for everyone! Ah! :'''Eema''': Ooh! :'''Aladar''': Eema! ''[as he is pushed by the thristy herd trying to make their way to the water; sarcastically]'' That's it! Keep pushing and... ''[he gets shoved to Parasaurolophus]'' Shoving! That's very helpful. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bruton and the scout find no water on their search to them]'' :'''Scout''': Bruton, we've been walking in circles. There's no water here. I think we should get back. :'''Bruton''': Shh. Keep it down. ''[Then Bruton spots a shadow of a Carnotaurus]'' Let's get out of here. :''[a Carnotaurus appears from behind and grabs the scout by the tail, killing him. Then another Carnotaurus appears and tries to kill Bruton, but he manages to escape with wounds. The Carnotaurus eats him, and the other Carnotaurus escape it to him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[One early morning, the friends and the herd sleeps in the desert, Suri tries to ask some timid young Iguanodons to come out on the count of three. Aladar notices and manages to persuade them by convincing them that Suri is harmless]'' :'''Suri''': Now, you come out on 3. 1...2...3! Come on, come on out. No one's gonna hurt you. :'''Aladar''': Hey, hey. What's going on? :'''Suri''': The "little Aladars" haven't had anything to drink. I think they're scared of me. :'''Aladar''': Well, who wouldn't be? You are pretty scary. ''[to the young iguanodons]'' Come on! Take it easy! She's just a hairball. :'''Suri''': And proud of it! Come on; he's going to find you some water! :'''Aladar''': Just dig and press... ''[the young iguanodons fight]'' come on! Let's have a little teamwork. Let's work together a bit. There: just take a foot, and press... ''[All three do so, and water fills the waterhole]''. Good job, Suri. ''[to the young iguanodons]'' So, where're your parents anyway? :'''Neera''': A lot of us are on our own now. ''[beat]''. You like kids, I see. :'''Aladar''': Well, the skinny ones can be a little chewy. ''[both laugh. Beat]''. I'm Aladar... the;–– jerkasaurus. :'''Neera''': Oh! Sorry, about that. :'''Aladar''': You're probably right. :'''Neera''': Why did you help that old one? :'''Aladar''': What else could we do? Leave her behind? Oh! You mean you'd actually;––?! :'''Neera''': Well, that happens all the time... you don't survive if you're not... :'''Aladar''': Strong enough? :'''Neera''': Yeah. :'''Aladar''': Is that you talking? Or your brother? :'''Neera''': Everything's so different... I don't know what to think anymore. :'''Aladar''': Look, Neera, if we all watch out for each other, we all have a chance of getting to your Nesting Grounds. :'''Neera''': You sound so sure. :'''Aladar''': I'm not! But it's all I know. So, water! I'll get you some water. ''[digs]'' :'''Neera''': Can I try? :'''Aladar''': Sure! Just - press! :''[She does. As she bends to drink, their heads knock together]'' :'''Neera''': Oh, sorry. :'''Aladar''': No, you first. :'''Yar''': One down, and... well, one down. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bruton narrowly escapes the Carnotaurs]'' :'''Bruton''': Kron! Carnotaurs! :'''Kron''': ''[confused and disturbed]'' What? They never come this far north! :'''Bruton:''' The fireball must have driven them out. :'''Kron:''' ''[overhears the Carnotaurs roaring]'' '''You've led them right to us!''' '''''MAYBE YOU CAN FEED THEM WITH YOUR HIDE!''''' Move the herd out, double time! :''[Bruton roars for the herd to Leave as Aladar & Neera notice this]'' :'''Aladar:''' What's happening? :'''Neera:''' My brother's moving the herd. Kron! What's going on? :'''Kron:''' Carnotaurs. If we don't keep moving, they'll catch up to us. :'''Aladar:''' But the others in the back, they'll never make it. :'''Kron:''' They'll slow down the predators. :'''Aladar:''' ''You can't sacrifice them like this!'' ''[calls out to the herd]'' HOLD IT! THAT COULD BE YOU BACK THERE, OR YOU! :'''Kron:''' ''[smacks Aladar down to the ground]'' If you ever interfere again, I'll kill you. ''[begins to walk away, but notices Neera approaching Aladar]'' STAY AWAY FROM HIM! ''[pushes Neera away from Aladar, who growls in anger]'' :'''Neera:''' Aladar, no! You just - Just go. I'll be okay. :'''Aladar:''' ''[runs back to warn Baylene, Eema, Url, and the lemurs]'' Let's go! Let's go! Carnotaurs! :'''Yar''': Carno-what? :'''Eema''': Carnotaur! A mouth full of teeth with a bad attitude! Let's go! :'''Aladar''': Come on, you guys, get on, get on! We're gonna get left behind! ''[starts running for the herd]'' Let's go! Hurry up! We're losing them! :'''Plio''': Aladar, slow down! :''[Aladar stops and looks behind to see Baylene and Eema struggling to follow. Then he turns to see Neera, Kron, and the rest of the herd leaving without them. Aladar chooses to stay with Baylene and Eema to ensure their survival]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baylene''': Oh, joy. Blisters! :'''Eema''': I got blisters ON my blisters. :'''Yar''': You don't wanna know where ''I'' got blisters... ''[hears a bellow]'' :'''Eema''': What was that? :'''Baylene''': It came from up ahead. :'''Zini''': Okay, what's the worst thing it could be? :'''Suri''': ''[fearfully]'' A Carnotaur. :'''Zini''': ''[nervous]'' Okay, what's the second worst thing it could be? :'''Baylene''': TWO Carnotaurs! ''[shudders]'' Oh my goodness! O my goodness! :'''Eema''': That's it! I'm gone! :'''Aladar''': Everybody! We don't know for sure! It could be the herd. Let's check it out. :''[They turn the corner to find Bruton, exhausted]'' :'''Eema''': Oh, it's Bruton! :'''Baylene''': It appears we weren't the only ones left behind. :'''Aladar''': What happened? :'''Eema''': Carnotaurs. We should keep moving. :'''Plio''': We can't just leave him here! :'''Eema''': We can if we move fast enough! :'''Aladar''': ''[to Bruton]'' Hey, you don't look so good. Let me help me you. :'''Bruton''': Save your pity. I just need some rest. Now, get away from me! :'''Aladar''': Suit yourself. ''[hears thunder and sees Url with a stalactite in his mouth, moving towards a cave]'' If you change your mind, we'll be in those caves. <hr width="50%"/> :''[they enter the cave]'' :'''Aladar''': It's dark, but at least it's dry. :'''Eema''': I like dry. It's the dark part I'm having trouble with. ''[accidentally steps on Url's spikes]'' OWW! Sorry, Url. Sturdy li'l thing, ain't he? :''[Aladar chuckles]'' :'''Baylene''': Ahem. We appear to have a visitor. :''[They see Bruton limping outside the cave in the rain. He falls; Aladar approaches him]'' :'''Aladar''': You coming in or what? :'''Bruton''': What is it with you? :'''Aladar''': At least I know enough to get in out of the rain. Now, come on. On your feet. ''[helps Bruton up and guides him into the cave]'' Uh, you can lie down with us. It's warmer. :''[Bruton lies down in a corner of the cave by himself]'' :'''Baylene''': May I remind you that he's one of them? :'''Aladar''': Well, looks like he's one of us now. ''[goes to lie down with the others]'' :'''Eema''': Who booked this trip anyway? :'''Aladar''': Ah, you'll be at the Nesting Grounds soon enough. :'''Eema''': Well, when I get there, I'm gonna give Kron a piece of my mind. :'''Aladar''': You tell him, Eema. :''[Url lies on his back and falls asleep]''. :'''Yar''': If I could sleep that deep, I'd be in paradise. :'''Eema''': If you could sleep ''that'' deep, honey, you'd be dead. :'''Plio''': ''[leaps towards Bruton with a special plant in her hands]'' This plant grew on our island. It will make you feel better. ''[takes some of the plant's juice and sprinkles it on Bruton's wounds]'' :'''Bruton''': ''[winces in pain; nods at Aladar]'' Why is he doing this? Pushing them on with false [[hope]]? :'''Plio''': It's hope that's gotten us this far. :'''Bruton''': But why doesn't he let them accept their [[fate]]? I've accepted mine. :'''Plio''': And what ''is'' your fate? :'''Bruton''': To die here. It's the way things are. :'''Plio''': Only if you give up, Bruton. It's your ''[[choice]]'', not your fate. Well, the plant will help. ''[leaps away; Bruton takes the plant]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The footsteps of the Carnotaurs awaken Aladar; he looks out and gazes in surprise at them; Bruton quietly comes up to him]'' :'''Bruton''': ''[whispering]'' Shh. Carnotaurs. :'''Aladar''': ''[whispering]'' What do we do? :'''Bruton''': Wake the others. :''[The Carnotaurs move closer to the cave. Bruton, Eema, Baylene, and the lemurs proceed deeper into the cave. Aladar nudges Url to wake him up; he bellows in fright, and Aladar immediately silences him; the Carnotaurs look up briefly and then continue looking around]'' :'''Baylene:''' Oh! ''[her neck touches the ceiling, causing a rock to fall and hit Eema]'' :''[Aladar attempts to catch it, without success; one of the Carnotaurs examines the rock and sticks its snout through the water and sniffs Aladar before a thunderclap illuminates him; the Carnotaur charges at him]'' :'''Aladar:''' Go! Go! Hurry! Move it, Eema! ''[the Carnotaur grabs him by the tail and drags him back]'' :'''Plio:''' Aladar! Aladar! :''[The Carnotaurs fight over Aladar]'' :'''Bruton:''' ''[leaps into the fray; last words]'' I'll hold them off! You help the others! ''[crashes purposely into the stone columns supporting the roof; he and one of the Carnotaurs are buried]'' :'''Aladar:''' Bruton! ''[He comes back and tries to help Bruton, but the rocks fall on Bruton before he can]'' Bruton! No!! ''[Coughs]'' Bruton! :'''Plio:''' ''[to Aladar]'' You did what you could. :''[A Carnotaurus distance roars on the rocks; Aladar look at the rocks, who's trying to push a rocks trying to get anger and he's very ugly snarling, is the one Carnotaurus left push out of the rocks; A dead second Carnotaurus, Aladar mouns to death Bruton's sacrifice was not completely in vain, as the other Carnotaurus died with him, the large Carnotaurus survives, however, leaving and roaring in vegngence, before continuing his search for the herd.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The herd while gathering in the desert, the two iguanodon children panting, but there's one little falls on the ground, the other little one bellowing, Kron still looking at and when keeps moving. The little one was calling but still, the little one trying get up on your feet]'' :'''Neera''': It's okay, little ones. We're going to make it. ''[she help the little one and continue to move the herd]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aladar, Eema, Url, Baylene and the Lemurs are wandering through the cave. Zini is trying to pass the time by playing "I Spy"] :'''Zini''': Okay, okay, let's do it again, let's do it again. Uh... I spy, with my little eye... :'''Yar''': A rock. :'''Zini''': You got it again! O, you are good. :'''Eema''': Well, I'll tell you what I spy: a dead end. :'''Yar''': What have we done now? :'''Aladar''': I guess we just go back. :'''Zini''': ''[smells something]'' Hang on a moment. :'''Suri''': Zini, what is this? :'''Zini''': You smell that? :'''Suri''': ''[sniffing]'' Yes. :''[Aladar sniffs. Then as Zini pulls out the rocks, we see daylight]'' :'''Eema''': ''[gasps]'' Get a load of that. :'''Baylene''': Nice show. :'''Aladar''': Everybody, stand back. We're outta here! ''[tries to break the rocks, the cave collapses]'' :'''Zini''': '''''RUN!!''''' :'''Suri''': Unh! :'''Eema''': '''''ALADAR, LOOK OUT!!''''' :''[The falling boulders block the daylight]'' :'''Aladar''': '''''No!''''' ''[echoes; tries to break the rocks, but fails]'' :'''Plio''': Aladar, we'll go back. :'''Aladar''': Back to what? It's gone. We're not meant to survive. :'''Baylene''': Oh yes we were! We're here, aren't we? And how dare you waste that good [[fortune]], by simply giving up? Hah, [[shame]] on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! The worst of it is, you allowed an old fool like me to believe I was needed, that I still had a [[purpose]]. And you know what? You were right. And I'm going to keep on believing it. I for one am not willing to die here! ''[rears up and strikes the cave-in again and again]'' :''[The others join in; at length, the wall falls, to reveal a pristine valley beyond]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh my goodness. :'''Eema''': The Nesting Grounds...It's untouched. :'''Plio''': Our new home... :'''Zini''': AND IT COMES WITH A POOL! ''[suri laughing]'' You're lady, you're lady and whooo! :'''Baylene''': Whoo, whoo, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Zini''': ''[Zini on the Baylene's head]'' CANNONBALL! ''[jump in the lake]'' :'''Baylene''': Ha. Amateur. :'''Zini''': ''[Baylene starts to jumps in the lake, fun waves]'' LOOK OUT BELOW! :''[Url watching Baylene fun waves with Zini]'' :'''Aladar''': Not bad! But I don't get it. Where's the herd? :'''Plio''': ''[sotto voice]'' Not to mention Neera! :'''Eema''': Oh, they'll get here...soon enough. Oh, no! :'''Aladar''': Eema? : '''Eema''': I spoke too soon. : '''Aladar''': What is it? :'''Eema''': That, is the way we used to get in here. ''[indicates a towering pile of stones, blocking an entrance to the valley]'' :'''Aladar''': They'll never make it over that! :'''Eema''': Aladar, wait! Wait! Kron'll eat you alive! :'''Aladar:''' Let him try. ''[runs off]'' :'''Eema:''' ''[sighing]'' I just hope Kron's in a listening mood... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kron continues up the landslide with the herd; Neera and the two iguanodon children follow.]'' :'''Neera''': Stay here. ''[walks to Kron and sees the landslide]'' We'll find a way around it. :'''Kron''': In the morning, we'll climb it. :''[On his way back in the cave, Aladar sees a dead Stygimoloch. A Carnotaurus eats it; Aladar manages to escape.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kron''': ''[to the herd]'' We have to keep trying. For our survival, our future is over these rocks. NOW, LET'S GO HOME! ''[the herd starts going over the rocks Kron looks around for someone as an example before seeing the orphans; to the two iguanodon children]'' You'll make it, won't you, boys? ''[starts shoving them with his head]'' :'''Neera:''' ''[to Kron]'' No. :'''Kron:''' Watch them, They're tough! ''[to the herd]'' If they can do it, '''SO CAN YOU!''' :''[The herd hesitates, then continue toward the rocks]'' :'''Aladar''': KRON! ''[they look back as he approaches the herd]'' Get the herd out of here! A Carnotaur's coming! :'''Kron''': ''[to the herd]'' Keep moving! :'''Aladar:''' Stop! I've been to the valley! There's a safer way! :'''Kron''': ''[angrily to the two orphan iguanodon children]'' Go on! Show them!'' [he shoves one of the orphans]'' :'''Neera''': Kron, listen to him! :'''Aladar''': Look, we've got to go now! :'''Kron''': Go where?! Straight to the Carnotaurs?! :'''Aladar''': If we hurry, we can get around them! You can't get over those rocks! There's a sheer drop on the other side! ''[Kron angrily shoves the orphans more]'' YOU'RE GONNA KILL THE HERD! I know a way to the valley, and everybody can make it! ''[to the herd]'' Now, follow me! :''[Kron approaches the herd]'' :'''Neera''': Kron! :'''Kron''': <big>'''THEY'RE STAYING WITH ME!'''</big> :'''Aladar''': ''[to the herd]'' All right let's go! :''[Fed up with being challenged, Kron loses his temper and attacks Aladar, who fights back. Kron violently attacks Aladar, but he then gets knocked to the ground by Aladar twice. Kron throws sand in Aladar's eyes, slashes Aladar across his chest with his spiked thumb by making a deep cut, knocks Aladar into the ground, and nearly kills Aladar by delivering a deadly strike, but Neera saves Aladar by knocking Kron to the ground. Neera, having grown fed up with Kron's stubbornness and cruelty, turns against Kron by helping Aladar to continue towards the valley along with the herd]'' :'''Kron''': ''[shocked, then livid]'' '''''<big>NEERA!!!!</big>''''' ''[Neera doesn't flinch, so Kron starts climbing over the rocks all by himself, but the carnotaur approaches the herd]'' He's led that monster right to us! This way! ''[continues climbing over the rocks]'' :'''Aladar''': No! Don't move! If we scatter, he'll pick us off! ''[to the herd]'' Stand together! :''[The carnotaur roars at Aladar, who roars back. Neera joins Aladar, along with the herd, forcing the carnotaur to ignore the herd and head towards Kron; Aladar and Neera give chase]'' :'''Neera''': Kron! :''[Kron makes it up to the top, but realizes that the entrance is blocked, and he's cornered]'' :'''Kron''': ''[last words]'' No, no! ''[attacks the carnotaur, who wounds him]'' :''[Aladar, and Neera start fighting with the carnotaur, and Aladar knocks it to its death below. Aladar and Neera walk slowly toward Kron's body]'' :'''Neera''': Kron. :''[Neera nudges Kron's head, but he is already dead. Aladar and Neera embrace each other in sorrow. Later, Aladar, Neera, and the herd head through the cave entrance and finally make it into the valley]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[to Neera]'' Welcome home. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines: Sometime later, the eggs on the nesting grounds, Aladar and Neera become mates and have a nest in the valley]'' :'''Eema''': Move over, everybody! Bringin' in babies is what I do best! :'''Yar''': I'd say it's been a few years since you hatched anything! :''[Both laugh]'' :'''Eema''': You're right. So, let me practice on your head! :'''Plio''': Look! Somebody wants to meet you! ''[to the newborn iguanodon]'' Oh, aren't you the cutest little small-fry I ever did see! :'''Aladar''': Hey, little guy! He looks just like me!. :'''Neera''': Meet your dad. He's not as crazy as he looks. :'''Baylene''': Well done, little one! :'''Yar''': Come 'ere, you little rascal; lemme take a good look at you... ''[the baby pees on him]'' yep. You're your father's son all right. ''[hands the baby over to Plio]'' :'''Zini''': ''[arrives]'' Hey, look what I found! New neighbors! ''[indicates five female lemurs]''. Any of you ladies up for a game of "Monkey in the Middle"? ''[female lemurs playing on him]'' Easy, now! Easy! Hey! :''[The lemurs laughing, Aladar bellows in joy, followed by Neera, Eema, Baylene, and finally the whole herd of surviving dinosaurs.]'' :'''Plio''': ''[closing narration]'' And so, None of us we know what changes, big and small, lie ahead. One thing is certain; our journey's not over. We can only hope that, in some small way, our time here will be remembered. ==Taglines== * Discover a world you've only imagined ==Voice cast== * [[w:D.B. Sweeney|D.B. Sweeney]] as Aladar the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * [[w:Alfre Woodard|Alfre Woodard]] as Pilo the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Ossie Davis|Ossie Davis]] as Yar the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Max Casella|Max Casella]] as Zini the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Hayden Panettiere|Hayden Panettiere]] as Suri the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Samuel E. Wright|Samuel E. Wright]] as Kron the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * [[w:Julianna Margulies|Julianna Margulies]] as Neera the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * Peter Siragusa as Bruton the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * [[w:Joan Plowright|Joan Plowright]] as Baylene the [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]] * [[w:Della Reese|Della Reese]] as Eema the [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]] == Master Theropod Dinosaurs Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Herrerasaurus''' |''H. ischigualastensis'' |Saurischia / Herrerasauria |4 feet |20 feet long |770 lbs |Meat |Argentina |Swift running, sharp teeth |'''Papa Smurf:''' "An early pioneer of the dinosaur world. Very small compared to later giants, but highly efficient!" |- |'''Staurikosaurus''' |''S. pricei'' |Saurischia / Herrerasauria |2.5 feet |7.5 feet long |65 lbs |Meat |Brazil |Lightning fast speed |'''Clumsy Smurf:''' "Golly! This one is so fast, I'd probably trip just watching it run by!" |- |'''Abelisaurus''' |''A. comahuensis'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |8 feet |24 feet long |2 tons |Meat |Argentina |Crushing bite, high vision |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "According to my calculations, its short snout gave it a unique look, but it was still highly dangerous." |- |'''Carnotaurus''' |''C. sastrei'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |10 feet |26 feet long |1.5 tons |Meat |Argentina |Bull-like horns, sprint speed |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "Look at those horns! This guy looks like he never skips leg day. Pure muscle!" |- |'''Ceratosaurus''' |''C. nasicornis'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |8 feet |23 feet long |1 ton |Meat / Fish |United States |Nose horn, blade-like teeth |'''ALF:''' "A nose horn? Neat! I wonder if it tastes good with a side of cat." |- |'''Coelophysis''' |''C. bauri'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |3 feet |10 feet long |45 lbs |Small animals |United States |Pack hunting, agile jumping |'''Garfield:''' "Way too skinny. This guy definitely needs a few pans of lasagna to bulk up." |- |'''Dilophosaurus''' |''D. wetherilli'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |6.5 feet |23 feet long |880 lbs |Meat / Fish |United States |Double head crests, long legs |'''Alvin Seville:''' "Whoa, look at those twin crests! This guy is totally built like a rock star!" |- |'''Liliensternus''' |''L. liliensterni'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |6 feet |17 feet long |280 lbs |Meat |Germany |Double-crested skull displays |'''Simon Seville:''' "Its skeletal structure hints at an incredibly agile and nimble hunter of the Triassic." |- |'''Avimimus''' |''A. nemegtensis'' |Saurischia / Coelurosauria |3.5 feet |5 feet long |33 lbs |Omnivore |Mongolia |Feathery camouflage, speed |'''Theodore Seville:''' "It looks like a big bird! I wonder if it likes to eat seeds and berries." |- |'''Compsognathus''' |''C. longipes'' |Saurischia / Coelurosauria |1 foot |3 feet long |7 lbs |Insects / Lizards |Germany / France |Extreme agility, tiny size |'''Teodora Villavicencio:''' "It's so little and cute! It could easily hide right inside a tiny bush." |- |'''Moros''' |''M. intrepidus'' |Saurischia / Coelurosauria |4 feet |8 feet long |170 lbs |Meat |United States |Stealth, rapid growth |'''Winnie the Pooh:''' "A very small cousin of the big T-Rex. I am glad he is small enough to avoid." |- |'''Ornitholestes''' |''O. hermanni'' |Saurischia / Coelurosauria |2.5 feet |6.5 feet long |33 lbs |Lizards / Birds |United States |Grasping hands, quick reflex |'''Tigger:''' "Look at those long grabby fingers! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Perfect for catching fast little critters!" |- |'''Chirostenotes''' |''C. pergracilis'' |Saurischia / Oviraptorosauria |3 feet |9 feet long |100 lbs |Small animals |Canada |Long hands with sharp claws |'''Sid the Sloth:''' "Hey, check out those slender arms! He looks like he's ready to give a big hug." |- |'''Conchoraptor''' |''C. gracilis'' |Saurischia / Oviraptorosauria |2.5 feet |4 feet long |45 lbs |Shellfish |Mongolia |Crushing, toothless beak |'''Kimiko Tohomiko:''' "A specialized, powerful beak. A great example of evolutionary engineering!" |- |'''Elmisaurus''' |''E. rarus'' |Saurischia / Oviraptorosauria |3 feet |8 feet long |55 lbs |Omnivore |Mongolia |Slender, fused foot bones |'''Optimus Prime:''' "Its lightweight build suggests maximum mobility across ancient terrain." |- |'''Oviraptor''' |''O. philoceratops'' |Saurischia / Oviraptorosauria |4 feet |6 feet long |80 lbs |Omnivore / Eggs |Mongolia |Strong, egg-cracking jaw |'''Baby Kermit:''' "They used to think he stole eggs, but he was actually a good daddy protecting them. Hi-ho!" |- |'''Deinocheirus''' |''D. mirificus'' |Saurischia / Ornithomimosauria |18 feet |50 feet long |7 tons |Plants / Fish |Mongolia |8-foot giant claw arms |'''Baby Miss Piggy:''' "Look at those fabulous giant arms! He is definitely the star of this swamp!" |- |'''Dromiceiomimus''' |''D. samueli'' |Saurischia / Ornithomimosauria |4 feet |11 feet long |330 lbs |Plants / Insects |Canada |Enormous eyes, high speed |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "With giant eyes like that, imagine the wild stunts you could see coming!" |- |'''Gallimimus''' |''G. bullatus'' |Saurischia / Ornithomimosauria |6.5 feet |20 feet long |900 lbs |Plants / Eggs |Mongolia |High-speed sprinting |'''Slimer:''' "Oooo! Run fast! Looks like a giant lizard turkey! Can I eat it?" |- |'''Ornithomimus''' |''O. velox'' |Saurischia / Ornithomimosauria |4 feet |12 feet long |370 lbs |Omnivore |United States |Whiplash speed, feathers |'''Bugs Bunny:''' "Eh, what's up, doc? Speeding tickets must be a real issue for this guy." |- |'''Struthiomimus''' |''S. altus'' |Saurischia / Ornithomimosauria |4.5 feet |14 feet long |400 lbs |Plants / Insects |Canada |Gripping beak, fast pace |'''Daffy Duck:''' "Hey! That fast runner is stealing my spotlight! Get your own show!" |- |'''Erlikosaurus''' |''E. andrewsi'' |Saurischia / Therizinosauria |7 feet |20 feet long |1.1 tons |Plants |Mongolia |Slender, curved claws |'''Michelangelo:''' "Whoa! Slender long blades for claws! Totally radical ninja style!" |- |'''Segnosaurus''' |''S. galbinensis'' |Saurischia / Therizinosauria |8 feet |23 feet long |2.5 tons |Plants / Insects |Mongolia |Wide hips, downturned jaw |'''Dawn (Anime):''' "It has very wide hips compared to other theropods. No need to worry, it only eats plants!" |- |'''Therizinosaurus''' |''T. cheloniformis'' |Saurischia / Therizinosauria |16 feet |33 feet long |5 tons |Plants |Mongolia |3-foot giant scythe claws |'''Tee Zeng:''' "The absolute master of the scythe claws. Fierce-looking, but a peaceful plant-eater." |- |'''Adasaurus''' |''A. mongoliensis'' |Saurischia / Deinonychosauria |4 feet |11 feet long |40 lbs |Meat |Mongolia |Sickle foot claw |'''Ripjaws:''' "A sharp foot claw for pinning down prey on land. Effective, but useless in the deep water." |- |'''Deinonychus''' |''D. antirrhopus'' |Saurischia / Deinonychosauria |5 feet |11 feet long |220 lbs |Meat |United States |Leaping strike, pack tactics |'''Huey:''' "A pack-hunting specialist! Working together makes them super smart and dangerous." |- |'''Saurornitholestes''' |''S. sullivani'' |Saurischia / Deinonychosauria |3 feet |6 feet long |22 lbs |Meat / Insects |Canada / USA |Incredible sense of smell |'''Dewey:''' "With a nose that good, it could easily track down its target anywhere in the forest!" |- |'''Troodon''' |''T. formosus'' |Saurischia / Deinonychosauria |3.5 feet |8 feet long |110 lbs |Omnivore |United States |Large brain, night vision |'''Louie:''' "Big brains and night vision? This guy knows how to plan a perfect night raid." |- |'''Velociraptor''' |''V. osmolskae'' |Saurischia / Deinonychosauria |1.5 feet |6 feet long |33 lbs |Meat |Mongolia |Feathered pinning, foot claw |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A tiny but highly coordinated hunter. A reminder that strategy wins over size." |- |'''Albertosaurus''' |''A. sarcophagus'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |11 feet |30 feet long |2 tons |Meat |Canada |Crushing bite, group hunting |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "As a slightly smaller relative of Tyrannosaurus, its leaner frame allowed for greater speed." |- |'''Allosaurus''' |''A. europaeus'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |13 feet |43 feet long |6.5 tons |Meat |Portugal / United States |Axe-like jaw strike |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "Using its top jaw like an axe? Now that is an incredible show of brute strength!" |- |'''Baryonyx''' |''B. walkeri'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |9 feet |30 feet long |1.2 tons |Fish / Meat |United Kingdom |Giant 12-inch thumb hook |'''ALF:''' "A huge thumb claw just for catching fish? Neat! Wonder if it works on cats." |- |'''Daspletosaurus''' |''D. horneri'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |10 feet |30 feet long |2.5 tons |Meat |United States |Heavy bone-crushing jaws |'''Garfield:''' "A heavy, massive skull built for eating big meals. I can completely get behind that." |- |'''Giganotosaurus''' |''G. carolinii'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |13 feet |43 feet long |8 tons |Meat |Argentina |Slicing teeth, massive size |'''Alvin Seville:''' "Even bigger than a T-Rex?! Now that is a stadium-sized titan right there!" |- |'''Metriacanthosaurus''' |''M. parkeri'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |7 feet |26 feet long |1 ton |Meat |United Kingdom |High-spined back ridges |'''Simon Seville:''' "The elevated neural spines along its vertebrae indicate unique muscle attachments or a small sail." |- |'''Spinosaurus''' |''S. aegyptiacus'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |14 feet |46 feet long |7.5 tons |Fish / Meat |Egypt |Giant back sail, swim tail |'''Theodore Seville:''' "His big sail looks like a giant fan! I hope he stays happy splashing in the river." |- |'''Tyrannosaurus rex''' |''T. rex'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |18 feet |50 feet long |8 tons |Meat |United States |King-tier bite force |'''Optimus Prime:''' "The undeniable tyrant king of the ancient era. A powerhouse of absolute authority." |- |'''Yangchuanosaurus''' |''Y. zigongensis'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |11 feet |26 feet long |1.5 tons |Meat |China |Power lunging |'''Tee Zeng:''' "A true heavyweight warrior of the ancient world. Fast, powerful, and deeply focused." |} == Master Sauropodomorph Dinosaurs Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Anchisaurus''' |''A. polyzelus'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |2 feet |6.5 feet long |60 lbs |Plants |United States |Grasping thumbs with claws |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A small, primitive ancestor of the giant long-necks. A humble beginning to a great lineage." |- |'''Massospondylus''' |''M. kaalae'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |4 feet |14 feet long |300 lbs |Plants |South Africa |Stone-swallowing stomach |'''Garfield:''' "Swallowing rocks to help digest food? I'll stick to lasagna, thank you very much." |- |'''Melanorosaurus''' |''M. readi'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |10 feet |26 feet long |1.3 tons |Plants |South Africa |Quadrupedal heavy frame |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "This species represents the crucial transition from walking on two legs to all four." |- |'''Mussaurus''' |''M. patagonicus'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |1 foot (baby) |10 feet (adult) |250 lbs (adult) |Plants |Argentina |Tiny hatchling size |'''Baby Kermit:''' "Oh wow, the babies are so tiny they can fit right in your hand! Hi-ho!" |- |'''Plateosaurus''' |''P. gracilis'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |11 feet |26 feet long |1 ton |Plants |Germany |High-reaching bipedal neck |'''Baby Miss Piggy:''' "It stands up tall just to get the best food. A dino after my own heart! Kissy-kissy!" |- |'''Riojasaurus''' |''R. incertus'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |10 feet |33 feet long |2.5 tons |Plants |Argentina |Dense, heavy limb bones |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "It's so heavy it can't even run! Sounds like a challenge for a stunt launch!" |- |'''Smurfette smurfensis''' |''S. smurfensis'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |1.5 feet |4 feet long |25 lbs |Sarsaparilla / Plants |Smurf Village |Blue scales, high agility |'''Clumsy Smurf:''' "Gosh! A Smurf dinosaur? I hope she doesn't accidentally stomp on our mushroom houses!" |- |'''Thecodontosaurus''' |''T. antiquus'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |1.5 feet |4 feet long |25 lbs |Plants |United Kingdom |Sharp serrated teeth |'''ALF:''' "Small, tasty-looking, and found in England. Does it go well with hot tea?" |- |'''Yunnanosaurus''' |''Y. youngi'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |7 feet |23 feet long |1 ton |Plants |China |Spoon-shaped eating teeth |'''Slimer:''' "Mmmm! Spoon teeth! Perfect for scooping up tons of green slime food!" |- |'''Apatosaurus''' |''A. ajax'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |19 feet |85 feet long |25 tons |Plants |United States |Whip-like defense tail |'''Michelangelo:''' "Whoa, that tail is like a radical mega-whip! Total ninja move, dude!" |- |'''Brachiosaurus''' |''B. altithorax'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |60 feet |80 feet long |40 tons |Plants |United States / India |Towering giraffe-like posture |'''Bugs Bunny:''' "Hey doc, how's the weather up there? Don't forget to look down!" |- |'''Camarasaurus''' |''C. supremus'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |14 feet |60 feet long |20 tons |Plants |United States |Boxy skull, hollow vertebrae |'''Daffy Duck:''' "Look at that big ego! Just because you're a giant doesn't mean you get all the spotlight!" |- |'''Diplodocus''' |''D. hallorum'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |18 feet |100 feet long |15 tons |Plants |United States |Ultra-long body structure |'''Ripjaws:''' "A true land monster. Good thing it stays out of my deep water." |- |'''Dreadnoughtus''' |''D. schrani'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |50 feet |89 feet long |49 tons |Plants |Argentina |Massive skeletal defense |'''Optimus Prime:''' "Its name means 'fears nothing.' A fitting title for an unstoppable titan." |- |'''Mamenchisaurus''' |''M. sinocanadorum'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |57 feet |115 feet long |30 tons |Plants |China |50-foot longest neck |'''Huey:''' "Its neck makes up half its entire body length! Imagine how long a scarf it needs!" |- |'''Omeisaurus''' |''O. fuxiensis'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |13 feet |50 feet long |10 tons |Plants |China |Clubbed tail bone |'''Dewey:''' "A tail with a club on the end? That is an awesome way to smack away predators!" |- |'''Opisthocoelicaudia''' |''O. skarzynskii'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |12 feet |40 feet long |10 tons |Plants |Mongolia |Tripod tail-prop stance |'''Louie:''' "It can lean back on its tail like a lawn chair. Now that is my kind of relaxing." |- |'''Patagotitan''' |''P. mayorum'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |45 feet |122 feet long |76 tons |Plants |Argentina |Colossal size, mega weight |'''Alvin Seville:''' "Whoa! This guy weighs more than a whole fleet of tour buses! Absolute giant!" |- |'''Saltasaurus''' |''S. loricatus'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |10 feet |28 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Argentina |Armored bone-plate skin |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "A long-neck with built-in body armor! This guy is ready for a real scrap!" |- |'''Supersaurus''' |''S. vivianae'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |54 feet |120 feet long |40 tons |Plants |United States |Extreme massive length |'''Teodora Villavicencio:''' "It's so long it stretches across the whole forest. Truly a beautiful giant!" |} == Master Ornithopoda & Hadrosauridae Dinosaurs Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Lesothosaurus''' |''L. diagnosticus'' |Ancestral Ornithischia |1.5 feet |6.5 feet long |7 lbs |Plants |Lesotho / South Africa |High-speed agility |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A very early root on the dinosaur family tree. Small, gentle, and very quick!" |- |'''Pisanosaurus''' |''P. mertii'' |Ancestral Ornithischia |1 foot |3.3 feet long |5 lbs |Plants |Argentina |Quick darting runs |'''Clumsy Smurf:''' "Gosh, it's so tiny! It could easily hide right under a big fern." |- |'''Camptosaurus''' |''C. dispar'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |7 feet |20 feet long |1,700 lbs |Plants |United States |Strong chewing jaws |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "Its heavily built hind legs show it was fully capable of walking on two or four limbs." |- |'''Dryosaurus''' |''D. elderae'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |5 feet |10 feet long |200 lbs |Plants |United States |Speed, sharp eyesight |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "This one relies on pure speed to escape danger. No armor, just fast legs!" |- |'''Heterodontosaurus''' |''H. tucki'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |1.5 feet |3.3 feet long |7 lbs |Omnivore |South Africa |Three types of teeth |'''ALF:''' "Look at those big tusks! Finally, a plant-eater that looks like it can bite back." |- |'''Hypsilophodon''' |''H. foxii'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |3 feet |7.5 feet long |45 lbs |Plants |United Kingdom |Rapid forest running |'''Garfield:''' "Built for running away from trouble. My kind of strategy, honestly." |- |'''Iguanodon''' |''I. bernissartensis'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |14 feet |39.2 feet long |3.5 tons |Plants |Belgium / Germany |Sharp thumb spikes |'''Alvin Seville:''' "A giant spike right on its thumb? That's a rockin' defensive move!" |- |'''Muttaburrasaurus''' |''M. langdoni'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |8 feet |26 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Australia |Hollow, echoing snout |'''Simon Seville:''' "The inflated nasal chamber likely amplified its voice for long-distance communication." |- |'''Nanosaurus''' |''N. agilis'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |1.5 feet |3.3 feet long |10 lbs |Plants |United States |Compact agile frame |'''Theodore Seville:''' "It's so little and harmless. It just wants to munch on some soft leaves!" |- |'''Ouranosaurus''' |''O. nigeriensis'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |10 feet |27 feet long |2.5 tons |Plants |Niger |Large back sail |'''Teodora Villavicencio:''' "That massive sail looks like a beautiful fan built right into its back!" |- |'''Parksosaurus''' |''P. warreni'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |3 feet |8 feet long |150 lbs |Plants |Canada |Balanced tail control |'''Winnie the Pooh:''' "A very quiet friend who stays on his toes. I hope he finds sweet grass." |- |'''Brachylophosaurus''' |''B. canadensis'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |9 feet |30 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Flat paddle skull crest |'''Tigger:''' "Look at that flat head! Perfect for sliding right through the thick bushes!" |- |'''Edmontosaurus''' |''E. regalis'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |12 feet |40 feet long |4 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Thousand-tooth battery |'''Sid the Sloth:''' "Woah, that's a lot of teeth! Glad he only uses them to chew on salad." |- |'''Kritosaurus''' |''K. navajovius'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |10 feet |30 feet long |3 tons |Plants |United States |Hook-nosed skull ridge |'''Kimiko Tohomiko:''' "Its distinctive crest acts like a unique visual badge for its herd members." |- |'''Maiasaura''' |''M. peeblesorum'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |8 feet |30 feet long |3 tons |Plants |United States |Nesting and calf rearing |'''Baby Miss Piggy:''' "The name means 'Good Mother.' How sweet, but I'm still the real star!" |- |'''Prosaurolophus''' |''P. maximus'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |9 feet |28 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Small horn-like crest |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "A tiny horn right between the eyes! That looks wonderfully weird!" |- |'''Saurolophus''' |''S. osborni'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |10 feet |32 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Canada / Mongolia |Long backward spike |'''Baby Kermit:''' "Gee, that spike looks like a built-in party hat on its head!" |- |'''Corythosaurus''' |''C. casuarius'' |Hadrosauridae / Lambeosaurinae |10 feet |30 feet long |4 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Helmet-like round crest |'''Slimer:''' "Oooo! Big helmet head! Looks like a giant melon I want to bite!" |- |'''Lambeosaurus''' |''L. magnicristatus'' |Hadrosauridae / Lambeosaurinae |11 feet |31 feet long |4 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Hatchet-shaped crest |'''Bugs Bunny:''' "That's a pretty wild hairdo, doc. Did you get that at a barbershop?" |- |'''Olorotitan''' |''O. arharensis'' |Hadrosauridae / Lambeosaurinae |12 feet |26 feet long |3.5 tons |Plants |Russia |Fan-shaped high crest |'''Daffy Duck:''' "Hey! Why does his crest look fancier than my feathers? I demand a rewrite!" |- |'''Parasaurolophus''' |''P. walkeri'' |Hadrosauridae / Lambeosaurinae |13 feet |33 feet long |3.5 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Long hollow tuba crest |'''Michelangelo:''' "Whoa! A total party horn on its head! Blow that horn, dude!" |- |'''Tsintaosaurus''' |''T. spinorhinus'' |Hadrosauridae / Lambeosaurinae |10 feet |33 feet long |3 tons |Plants |China |Forward-pointing horn crest |'''Dawn (Anime):''' "What a unique horn! It looks like a little antenna helping it guide the herd." |} == Master Pachycephalosauria & Ceratopsia Dinosaurs Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Dracorex''' |''D. hogwartsia'' |Pachycephalosauria |4 feet |10 feet long |400 lbs |Plants |United States |Spiky, dragon-like skull |'''Alvin Seville:''' "A dinosaur named after Hogwarts? That is totally magical! Rock on!" |- |'''Goyocephale''' |''G. lattimorei'' |Pachycephalosauria |1.5 feet |6.5 feet long |22 lbs |Plants |Mongolia |Flat skull, canine teeth |'''Dawn (Anime):''' "It has tiny sharp teeth but only eats plants. Nature is full of surprises!" |- |'''Homalocephale''' |''H. calathocercos'' |Pachycephalosauria |2 feet |6 feet long |90 lbs |Plants |Mongolia |Broad hips, flat skull |'''Tee Zeng:''' "A low-slung, sturdy build. It looks ready to hold its ground in a match." |- |'''Micropachycephalosaurus''' |''M. hongtuyanensis'' |Pachycephalosauria |1 foot |3.3 feet long |5 lbs |Plants |China |Tiny size, thick crown |'''Huey:''' "This little guy has the longest name of any dinosaur ever! Talk about a mouthful!" |- |'''Pachycephalosaurus''' |''P. wyomingensis'' |Pachycephalosauria |7 feet |15 feet long |1,000 lbs |Plants |United States |10-inch thick bone dome |'''Optimus Prime:''' "Its reinforced skull allows it to withstand incredible impacts during social disputes." |- |'''Prenocephale''' |''P. prenes'' |Pachycephalosauria |2.5 feet |8 feet long |280 lbs |Plants |Mongolia |Sloping round dome |'''Dewey:''' "A fully round dome! This guy was definitely the king of the playground headbutts." |- |'''Stegoceras''' |''S. validum'' |Pachycephalosauria |2 feet |6.5 feet long |80 lbs |Plants |Canada / USA |Rigid bone dome skull |'''Louie:''' "With a helmet that tough, he never has to worry about falling rocks." |- |'''Stygimoloch''' |''S. spinifer'' |Pachycephalosauria |4.5 feet |10 feet long |440 lbs |Plants |United States |Long back-skull spikes |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "Look at those giant horns on the back of its head! That looks wonderfully painful!" |- |'''Leptoceratops''' |''L. gracilis'' |Ornithischia / Ceratopsia |2.5 feet |6.5 feet long |150 lbs |Plants |Canada / USA |Fast bipedal running |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A small, hornless ancestor of the great ceratopsians. It shows that big things have small beginnings." |- |'''Protoceratops''' |''P. hellenikorhinus'' |Ornithischia / Ceratopsia |2 feet |6 feet long |180 lbs |Plants |Mongolia |Tough beak, sheep-like herds |'''Clumsy Smurf:''' "Golly! No horns on its head, but that sharp beak looks like it could snap a twig right in half!" |- |'''Psittacosaurus''' |''P. meileyingensis'' |Ornithischia / Ceratopsia |2 feet |3.3 feet long |45 lbs |Plants |China |Parrot-like beak, tail bristles |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "Its name means 'parrot lizard.' My studies show it used its unique tail bristles for social communication." |- |'''Chasmosaurus''' |''C. belli'' |Ceratopsia / Chasmosaurinae |7 feet |16 feet long |2 tons |Plants |Canada |Heart-shaped giant frill |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "That massive frill makes him look twice his real size! Perfect for scaring away rowdy predators!" |- |'''Pentaceratops''' |''P. sternbergii'' |Ceratopsia / Chasmosaurinae |16 feet |20 feet long |5 tons |Plants |United States |Five-horned massive skull |'''ALF:''' "Five horns?! That's a lot of points. I wonder if you can use them to pick up satellite TV." |- |'''Torosaurus''' |''T. latus'' |Ceratopsia / Chasmosaurinae |9 feet |25 feet long |6 tons |Plants |United States |Largest known dinosaur skull |'''Garfield:''' "A skull that big must hold a lot of thoughts about napping. I respect this creature's style." |- |'''Triceratops''' |''T. horridus'' |Ceratopsia / Chasmosaurinae |9.5 feet |30 feet long |9 tons |Plants |United States |Three-horned defensive charge |'''Simon Seville:''' "The ultimate three-horned rock star of the ancient world! Nobody messes with the king of horns!" |- |'''Centrosaurus''' |''C. apertus'' |Ceratopsia / Centrosaurinae |8 feet |18 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Canada |Forward-curved nose horn |'''Theodore Seville:''' "The single large nose horn indicates a highly focused line of defense against attackers." |- |'''Nasutoceratops''' |''N. titusi'' |Ceratopsia / Centrosaurinae |8 feet |15 feet long |1.5 tons |Plants |United States |Cow-like curved brow horns |'''Winnie the Pooh:''' "He looks like a big, friendly prehistoric cow. I bet he loves eating soft green ferns!" |- |'''Pachyrhinosaurus''' |''P. lakustai'' |Ceratopsia / Centrosaurinae |8 feet |16 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Flat, thick bone nose boss |'''Teodora Villavicencio:''' "No pointy horns here, just a massive battering ram on its nose! That's an amazing shield!" |- |'''Sinoceratops''' |''S. zhuchengensis'' |Ceratopsia / Centrosaurinae |10 feet |20 feet long |2.2 tons |Plants |China |Hooked frill horns, nose horn |'''Kimiko Tohomiko:''' "Those unique forward-curving hooks along the frill make for an incredible natural defense system." |- |'''Styracosaurus''' |''S. ovatus'' |Ceratopsia / Centrosaurinae |8.5 feet |18 feet long |3 tons |Plants |United States |Spiky frill, giant nose horn |'''Tigger:''' "My goodness, he has a very prickly head. It looks rather difficult to give him a friendly hug." |} == Master Stegosauria & Ankylosauria Dinosaurs Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Chungkingosaurus''' |''C. jiangbeiensis'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |5 feet |13 feet long |1 ton |Plants |China |High back plates, tail spikes |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A smaller member of the plated family, but very well-suited for its forest home." |- |'''Dacentrurus''' |''D. armatus'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |9 feet |26 feet long |3 tons |Plants |United Kingdom |Paired spikes down the back |'''Tigger:''' "Look at all those pointy back spikes! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Bouncing on this friend would be a bad idea!" |- |'''Gigantspinosaurus''' |''G. sichuanensis'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |5 feet |14 feet long |1.5 tons |Plants |China |Massive shoulder spikes |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "Whoa! Look at the size of those shoulder spikes! That is some serious shoulder power!" |- |'''Huayangosaurus''' |''H. taibaii'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |4.5 feet |15 feet long |1 ton |Plants |China |Spike-like plates, club snout |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "According to my books, this is one of the most primitive stegosaurs known to science." |- |'''Kentrosaurus''' |''K. aethiopicus'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |5 feet |15 feet long |1 ton |Plants |Tanzania |Giant shoulder spike weapon |'''Sid the Sloth:''' "Woah! Spikes on the tail ''and'' the shoulders? This guy is like a walking pin cushion!" |- |'''Stegosaurus''' |''S. stenops'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |14 feet |30 feet long |5 tons |Plants |United States |Alternating plates, thagomizer |'''Kimiko Tohomiko:''' "The plates on its back are perfect solar panels for regulating body heat. High-tech biology!" |- |'''Tuojiangosaurus''' |''T. multispinus'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |7 feet |23 feet long |2.8 tons |Plants |China |Pear-shaped back plates |'''Tee Zeng:''' "A noble defender from the East. Its low head stance kept its vulnerable neck safe from danger." |- |'''Ankylosaurus''' |''A. magniventris'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |11.5 feet |36 feet long |6 tons |Plants |United States |Heavy bone tail club, armor |'''Optimus Prime:''' "A true biological tank. Defensively armored to withstand the greatest forces of its era." |- |'''Euoplocephalus''' |''E. tutus'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |6 feet |18 feet long |2.5 tons |Plants |Canada |Armored eyelids, clubbed tail |'''Baby Miss Piggy:''' "Even its eyelids have armor! Hmph, I should get some of that to keep the paparazzi away!" |- |'''Nodosaurus''' |''N. textilis'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |5 feet |20 feet long |1.5 tons |Plants |United States |Tight, pebble-like body armor |'''Baby Kermit:''' "He doesn't have a tail club, but his back looks like a cobblestone street. Neat! Hi-ho!" |- |'''Pinacosaurus''' |''P. granger'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |4.5 feet |16 feet long |2 tons |Plants |Mongolia |Extra breathing nostrils |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "Extra nostrils in its armor for dusty weather? That is beautifully bizarre! Let's go swimming in dust!" |- |'''Polacanthus''' |''P. foxii'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |4 feet |16 feet long |2 tons |Plants |United Kingdom |Large pelvic shield of armor |'''Garfield:''' "A giant solid shield right over its back side. Perfect for blocking out uninvited guests." |- |'''Sauropelta''' |''S. edwardsorum'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |5 feet |17 feet long |1.5 tons |Plants |United States |Giant neck spikes |'''Slimer:''' "Oooooh! Sharp neck spikes! Looks like a giant prickly pear! Can I eat it anyway?" |- |'''Scelidosaurus''' |''S. harrisonii'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |4 feet |13 feet long |600 lbs |Plants |United Kingdom |Early armor-plated build |'''Bugs Bunny:''' "An early model tank, doc. It's got the armor plating but lacks the big heavy weight." |- |'''Scutellosaurus''' |''S. lawleri'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |1.5 feet |4 feet long |25 lbs |Plants |United States |Hundreds of tiny armor scutes |'''Daffy Duck:''' "Look at all those tiny little shields! Why don't I get a fancy suit of armor like that?!" |- |'''Talarurus''' |''T. plicatospineus'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |5 feet |16 feet long |2 tons |Plants |Mongolia |Slender, nimble tail club |'''Michelangelo:''' "A fast-swinging tail club? That is totally radical! It's like a prehistoric mace!" |} == Master Prehistoric Neighbors Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Dolichorhynchops''' |''D. herschelensis'' |Plesiosauria / Polycotylidae |3 feet |15 feet long |1,000 lbs |Fish |United States |Fast flipper-propelled swimming |'''Dawn (Anime):''' "It looks like a long-nosed penguin when it swims under the water! So graceful!" |- |'''Elasmosaurus''' |''E. platyurus'' |Plesiosauria / Elasmosauridae |10 feet |34 feet long |2 tons |Fish |United States |Ultra-long neck with 72 bones |'''Huey:''' "A neck with 72 bones! That's way more than a giraffe! It could peek over anything!" |- |'''Eurhinosaurus''' |''E. huenei'' |Ichthyosauria / Leptopterygiidae |4 feet |20 feet long |1 ton |Fish / Squid |Germany |Swordfish-like upper jaw |'''Ripjaws:''' "Now that upper jaw is a proper hunting tool. Excellent for slashing through schools of fish." |- |'''Ichthyosaurus''' |''I. conybeari'' |Ichthyosauria / Ichthyosauridae |3 feet |11 feet long |200 lbs |Squid / Fish |United Kingdom |Dolphin-like body shape |'''Dewey:''' "It looks exactly like a modern dolphin, but it's a reptile! Nature reused an awesome design!" |- |'''Kronosaurus''' |''K. queenslandicus'' |Plesiosauria / Pliosauridae |9 feet |33 feet long |7 tons |Marine life |Australia |9-foot skull, giant flippers |'''Louie:''' "A giant sea monster with an absolute whale of a bite force. Glad we are safely on dry land." |- |'''Mosasaurus''' |''M. beaugei'' |Squamata / Mosasauridae |13 feet |90 feet long |20 tons |Marine life |Morocco |Giant paddle tail, double-hinged jaw |'''Alvin Seville:''' "Whoa! This guy is the ultimate ocean king! Stay out of the water, everyone!" |- |'''Nanaimoteuthis''' |''N. jeletzkyi'' |Cephalopoda / Vampyromorpha |40.5 feet |132 feet long |50.000 lbs |Crabs / Fish |Canada |Ancient ink-shooting squid |'''Slimer:''' "Oooo! Ink squirter! Free black paint food! Bleah, tastes like old fish!" |- |'''Ophthalmosaurus''' |''O. icenicus'' |Ichthyosauria / Ophthalmosauridae |4 feet |20 feet long |1 ton |Deep-sea prey |United Kingdom |Giant dinner-plate sized eyes |'''Optimus Prime:''' "Its eyes are highly optimized for capturing low light in the deepest depths of the ocean." |- |'''Plesiosaurus''' |''P. dolichodeirus'' |Plesiosauria / Plesiosauridae |4 feet |11 feet long |900 lbs |Fish |United Kingdom |Four large rowing flippers |'''Tee Zeng:''' "It flies through the water using all four limbs at once. A very balanced martial artist of the sea." |- |'''Cynodonts''' |''Thrinaxodon / Oligokyphus'' |Therapsida / Cynodontia |0.5 feet |1-2 feet long |2-5 lbs |Insects / Meat |Worldwide |Whiskers, burrowing |'''Garfield:''' "Too small and furry. They look like they would wake me up from a perfectly good nap." |- |'''Monotremes''' |''Steropodon / Teinolophos'' |Mammalia / Monotremata |0.3 feet |1 foot long |1-2 lbs |Insects |Australia |Egg-laying mammals |'''Winnie the Pooh:''' "A very soft, very small friend. I think we would be good friends to share a nap with." |- |'''Deinosuchus''' |''D. rugosus'' |Crocodyliform / Pholidosaurid |4 feet |35 feet long |5 tons |Meat / Dinosaurs |United States |Bone-crushing ambush bite |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "That is one massive swamp monster! You'd need some serious strength to wrestle this guy!" |- |'''Sarcosuchus''' |''S. imperator'' |Crocodyliform / Pholidosaurid |3.5 feet |40 feet long |8 tons |Meat / Fish |Niger |Elongated snout, giant bulk |'''Sid the Sloth:''' "Yikes! That is a massive smile full of giant teeth! No swimming today, folks!" |- |'''Anurognathus''' |''A. ammoni'' |Pterosauria / Rhamphorhynchoidea |0.2 feet |1.5-foot wingspan |0.1 lbs |Insects |Germany |Aerial bug catching |'''Teodora Villavicencio:''' "It looks like a fuzzy little bat-frog. So strange but kind of cute!" |- |'''Dimorphodon''' |''D. macronyx'' |Pterosauria / Rhamphorhynchoidea |1 foot |4.5-foot wingspan |4 lbs |Fish / Insects |United Kingdom |Dual-type teeth, puffin skull |'''ALF:''' "Look at that large head! It looks like a flying puffin with sharp reptile teeth. Does it taste like chicken?" |- |'''Eudimorphodon''' |''E. ranzii'' |Pterosauria / Rhamphorhynchoidea |0.5 feet |3.3-foot wingspan |2 lbs |Fish |Italy |Multi-cusped snapping teeth |'''Baby Kermit:''' "It grabs fish right out of the water! That takes some serious flying skills. Hi-ho!" |- |'''Rhamphorhynchus''' |''R. etchesi'' |Pterosauria / Rhamphorhynchoidea |1 foot |4-foot wingspan |3 lbs |Fish |United Kingdom |Diamond-shaped tail rudder |'''Simon Seville:''' "The rigid tail structure and terminal vane acted as an exceptional aerodynamic rudder." |- |'''Scaphognathus''' |''S. crassirostris'' |Pterosauria / Rhamphorhynchoidea |1 foot |3-foot wingspan |2 lbs |Small animals |Germany |Wide, sturdy jaws |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A very robust flyer. It used its strong jaw to catch things on the move." |- |'''Dsungaripterus''' |''D. weii'' |Pterosauria / Pterodactyloidea |3 feet |10-foot wingspan |11 lbs |Shellfish |China |Curved beak, shell crushing |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "Its upturned beak was perfect for prying clams out of the mud. Quite clever!" |- |'''Ornithocheirus''' |''O. simus'' |Pterosauria / Pterodactyloidea |4 feet |15-foot wingspan |25 lbs |Fish |United Kingdom |Snout crest, ocean gliding |'''Baby Miss Piggy:''' "Look at that giant wingspan! Perfect for making a grand entrance!" |- |'''Pteranodon''' |''P. sternbergi'' |Pterosauria / Pterodactyloidea |6 feet |20-foot wingspan |40 lbs |Fish |United States |Large head crest, toothless |'''Bugs Bunny:''' "No teeth at all, doc? Must make eating carrots pretty tough." |- |'''Quetzalcoatlus''' |''Q. lawsoni'' |Pterosauria / Pterodactyloidea |46 feet |85-foot wingspan |950.000 lbs |Land animals |United States |Giraffe-height, spear beak |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "A flying monster as tall as a giraffe?! Now that is what I call a spectacular way to travel!" |} This completely rounds out all the fascinating non-dinosaur neighbors from the ancient world! Now that our giant master catalog is finished, would you like to '''combine all these charts into a trivia game''', or should we '''pick a few creatures for a grand finale showdown'''? == External links == {{Wikipedia|Dinosaur (2000 film)}} *{{IMDb title|0130623}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2000 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2000 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:Animated films about dinosaurs]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] eiprjgbbp0d0nlcn29t8df4fo6lyqbm 3955114 3955109 2026-06-21T18:00:18Z ~2026-36115-22 3344312 /* Master Theropod Dinosaurs Chart */ 3955114 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Dinosaur (2000 film)|Dinosaur]]''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] live-action/computer-animated feature film produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] featuring anthropomorphic [[Dinosauria|dinosaur]]s. It tells the story of Aladar, an Iguanodon whose egg was snatched and dropped on a remote island. :''Directed by Eric Leighton and [[w:Ralph Zondag|Ralph Zondag]]. Written by Ralph Zondag, [[w:John Harrison (filmmaker)|John Harrison]], and [[w:Robert Nelson Jacobs|Robert Nelson Jacobs]]. Music by [[w:James Newton Howard|James Newton Howard]].'' {{center|'''Discover a world you've only imagined''' ([[Dinosaur (film)#Taglines|taglines]])}} ==Aladar== * Oh, no! Attacking lemurs! Suri, please! I can't take it! There are too many of you! Come on! Pick on someone your own size! Help! * You're missin' all the action, pal. Come on! ==Eema== * Walkin' backward, huh? Well, let me know if that gets you there any faster! Keep those little legs moving, Url, or you'll get left behind! * Well, you just consider yourself lucky, that's ''all'' that's following us. * ''[about to cross the desert]'' If you smell something sizzling, it could be me. * Who booked this trip anyway? ==Plio== * ''[opening narration]'' Some things start out big, and some things start out small, very small. But sometimes the smallest thing can make the biggest changes of all. * It's okay. We'll teach him to hate meat. * You're never going to forget this day, so make it one to remember. * Oh, Aladar, if only there was someone on the island for you. Well, you know, who looks like you, but prettier. * ''[closing narration]'' None of us really know what changes, big or small, lie ahead. One thing is certain: our journey's not over. We can only hope that, in some small way, our time here will be remembered. ==Zini== * This monster's got no teeth! What's he gonna do? Gum us to death? * Hey, I'm lucky to be rid of them. With the ladies, before you know it, they all wanna move to a bigger tree. * What you need is a little help from the love monkey. * Hey, enough with the beauty sleep! You're ravishing already! == Dialogue == :''[First lines; A life in the egg of ''[[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]]'' name Aladar]'' :'''Plio''': ''[narrating]'' Some things start out big, and some things start out small, very small. But sometimes the smallest thing can make the biggest changes of all. :''[Aladar's mother taking care of her nest of eggs. A baby ''[[w:Parasaurolophus|Parasaurolophus]]'' sniffs one of the eggs (presumably Aladar's egg), but Aladar's Mother scares it away. It then runs to the other nests, but gets frightened away by dinosaur mother guarding them. A herd of ''[[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]]'' also called a ''[[w:Giraffatitan|Giraffatitian]]'' in the lakes. The Parasaurolophus runs through the river, and follows a ''[[w:Longisquama|Longisquama.]]'' The Longisquama catches a dragonfly and eats it. The young Parasaurolophus then chases the flying lizard and runs into the forest, where it lands on something half-hidden. The Parasaurolophus then sees drops of saliva landing on a tree branch and notices the Longisquama has landed on the nose of a ''[[w:Carnotaurus|Carnotaurus]]''. The Parasaurolophus runs out of the forest and gets chased by the Carnotaurus, which panics all of the dinosaurs present in the Nesting Grounds. As Aladar's mother abandons her nest, the Carnotaurus smashes all but one of the eggs in the Iguanodon's nest in the process. Ultimately, the chase ends when the Carnotaurus runs down and kills a ''[[w:Pachyrhinosaurus|Pachyrhinosaurus,]]''. An ''[[w:Oviraptor|Oviraptor]]'' seizes Aladar's egg left unharmed and hurries off into the jungle. Another Oviraptor swipes it from its grasp. They fight, and it falls down into the river below. As it is swept away by the current, it was swallowed, then spat out, by a ''[[w:Koolasuchus|Koolasuchus;]]'', floats between a pair of quarreling ''[[w:Talarurus|Talarurus;]]'' moved towards the river's center by a herd of drinking Pachyrhinosaurus; and finally picked up by a ''[[w:Pteranodon|Pteranodon]]'' that carries it far away to ''[[w:Lemur|Lemur]]'' island. Baby Pteranodons are watching; a two ''[[w:Ichtyornis|Ichtyornis]]'' pester the parent Pteranodon and it drops the egg on the island.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[When a dinosaur egg falls on the island. A colony of lemurs scatter in a frenzy. 4 lemurs approach: Plio, Yar, Zini, and Suri.]'' :'''Young Zini''': Yar, what is it? :'''Yar''': I don't know. PLIO, GET BACK HERE! We don't know what it is! :'''Young Zini''': Plio, be careful. :''[Plio sneak over sensing, she got present when the egg cracks, then opens the shell and is happy to see a baby iguanodon]'' :'''Plio''': Dad, get over here. :'''Yar''': ''[pulls Zini to safety]'' Zini, it's not safe! :'''Young Zini''': Oh, I always have to go when stuff's happening. :'''Yar''': ''[scoffs at Zini and gets closer to Plio]'' Well, what is it? :'''Plio''': It was an egg. ''[to baby Aladar]'' Look. ''[Yar gasps in shock]'' What? :'''Yar''': It's a cold-blooded monster from across the sea: vicious, flesh-eating! ''[Baby Aladar burps]'' Eurgh... :'''Plio''': Looks like a baby to me. :'''Yar''': Babies grow up! You keep that thing, one day, we'll turn our backs, it'll be picking us out of it's ''teeth!'' ''[to the other lemurs]'' Things like THAT eat things lie US as snacks! :''[Some lemurs yelp in fear]'' :'''Plio''': So, what do we do? :'''Yar''': Get rid of it! ''[trying to dissuade Plio from raising the baby Aladar]'' :'''Plio''': ''[vexed]'' ''What'' has gotten into you? :'''Yar''': ''[exasperated]'' Plio...That ''thing'' is dangerous! :'''Plio''': ''[to baby Aladar; regretfully sighs]'' I'm sorry, little one. ''[to Yar, handling baby Aladar over to him]'' Okay, get rid of it. ''[Yar gasps]'' Hmph. ''[sits on a patch of moss to watch]'' :'''Yar''': All right, I will. ''[lifts baby Aladar over the edge of the branch, preparing to drop the dinosaur baby to his death. All the other lemurs are watching him. He hesitates]'' :'''Plio''': ''[sarcastically]'' You'd better hurry up, Dad. It looks hungry. :'''Yar''': Hmph! ''[looks at baby Aladar. Baby Aladar comes and looks at him with droopy eyelids. He closes his eyes and sighs, defeated. He hears a strange sound and opens his eyes to see that baby Aladar is peeing on him. Disgusted, defeated; handling Aladar back to Plio]'' Rmmm...Here. :'''Plio''': ''[smiling]'' It's okay. We'll teach him to hate meat. :'''Yar''': Hmph. Watch his head! ''[Plio looks up]'' I-I mean, watch it! he could bite. ''[walks away]'' :''[Other lemurs, including Zini, leap up to Baby Aladar]'' :'''Young Zini:''' This "monster's" got no teeth! What's he gonna do? Gum us to death? :'''Plio:''' Zini, come on: look at that sweet little face. Does that look like a monster to you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Years later, Suri and other lemur children are chased by the grown-up Aladar for fun]'' :'''Suri''': Let me out! Let me out! ''[inside Aladar's mouth; he spits her into the thicket]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[coughs]'' Hairball! ''[coughs]'' :'''Suri''': That was great! Get him! :'''Aladar''': ''[lemur children start tickling him]'' Oh, no! Attacking lemurs! Suri, please! I can't take it! There are too many of you! Come on! Pick on someone your own size! Help! ''[Plio looks on, laughing]'' Augh! Augh! Augh! Ahhhh. ''[playing dead]'' :'''Suri''': Aladar? you're not dead. :'''Aladar''': ''[suddenly]'' No! :''[Suri and company laugh]'' :'''Plio''': All right, guys, break it up. Remember the courtship? You gonna miss seeing all that smooching. :'''Suri''': Aw, Mom. :'''Aladar''': That's okay, Plio. We can smooch right here. ''[blows kisses; Suri and her friends leap away]'' :'''Plio''': ''[sarcastically]'' Heh. It's a shame you don't like kids. :'''Aladar''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ugh. Nasty little vermin. :'''Plio''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ha-ha. Go find Zini. He's rehearing pickup lines. Let's hope he's find found some new material. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zini''': ''[rehearsing]'' "Hey, sweetie. If you'll be my bride, I'll groom ya." That is good. Oh, that's good. "Girls, I'm known as the 'professor of love' and school's in session." Yeah, I still got it. :'''Aladar''': ''[walks up to him]'' I hope it's not contagious. :'''Zini''': I'm a raging epidemic of romance. :'''Aladar''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, hot stuff. Let's get goin': you don't wanna to miss Yar's annual pep talk. :'''Zini''': Oh goody: I can't wait to hear the mating advice of an old monkey. :'''Aladar''': Hey-hey-hey, I heard that in this day, that old monkey was quite a swinger. :'''Zini''': You takin' about ''Yar?'' :'''Aladar''': Yeah! To hear him tell it, he put the "prime" in "[[primate]]". :'''Zini''': ''[sarcastically]'' Really? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yar''': ''[both are giving mating advice, Yar to the males, Plio to the females]'' Okay, boys, gather around: listen and learn from the Master. :'''Plio''': Now girls, don't jump into the trees after the first boy with a cute back-flip: it's more fun if you keep them guessing. :'''Yar''': And if a cute back-flip doesn't work, guess. :'''Plio''': You're never going to forget this day, so make it one to remember. :'''Yar''': But if you mess up, don't worry: they'll never remember. :'''Aladar''': Come on, guys! We don't wanna let 'em down! :'''Yar''': Go on, now. Chest up! Chin up! :'''Male Lemur''': Whoo! :'''Yar''': ''[to Aladar]'' Make 'em look good, son. :'''Aladar''': Come on, Yar. My charm, and your brains? No problem. ''[Yar laughs. Aladar has male courting lemurs on his back and escorts them to the tree]'' Hey girls, look what just pulled into town. :'''Male Lemur''': Hey, ladies! :'''Aladar''': Your buffet table of love! :''[The female lemurs laugh]'' :'''Male Lemurs''': Right here! Right here! Hey, beautiful! :'''Zini''': Hey, free samples! Get me while I'm hot! Whoa! ''[grabs Aladar's tail and chuckles]'' :'''Suri''': Zini. ''[laughs]'' :''[The males are courting in the tree]'' :'''Zini''': Whoo! Wah-hoo! :''[Plio, Yar, Zini, Suri trill, and Aladar bellows. Zini falls on the bush. Suri laughing at him. The male Lemurs jump out of the tree, in the vines swinging around, Zini trying sticks the branches, Aladar take a little branch to help Zini and throws him over the vine]'' :'''Aladar''': You're missin' all the action, pal. Come on! :'''Zini''': Hey, haven't you heard? I am the action! WHOO! Whoo-ah! :''[The female lemurs climb the vines. Every lemur ends up finding a mate except Zini, who snags his feet on a vine before he could even swing forward.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[By the time he unsticks himself, all the female lemurs have left, much to his disappointment. Aladar tries to comfort Zini, who seems to take it okay and believes he will get another chance at finding girls]'' :'''Aladar''': Ah, don't worry, Zini. You'll always have next year. :'''Zini''': Hey, I'm lucky to be rid of them. With the ladies, before you know it, they all wanna move to a bigger tree. :'''Yar''': ''[to Plio]'' Ah well. Poor Zini. The clan still has one bachelor. :'''Plio''': No. We have two. ''[to Aladar]'' Well, it's never been his best event. :'''Aladar''': He's got a tougher hide than mine. :'''Plio''': Oh, Aladar. If only there were someone on the island for you. You know; who looks like you, but prettier. :'''Aladar''': Come on, Plio. What more could I want? ''[There seen a fireballs in the sky]'' Whoa! :''[Aladar look at the fireballs in the sky, as Pilo, Yar and Suri watching in the sky. as Aladar look up the sky, Suri come and look at Aladar, but it know are coming]'' :'''Suri''': What are they? :'''Aladar''': I don't know. :''[Suri up in the tree to take a look, a fireballs falls out in the skies there minions tons of them. Zini watching over us, Plio and Yar hearing these fireballs past to it. Plio look for a flock of Ichthyornis in the skies; Yar sniffing]'' :'''Plio''': Dad? :'''Yar''': ''[about the asteroid]'' Something wrong. :'''Plio''': ''[to Aladar]'' Aladar, where's Suri? :'''Aladar''': ''[about Suri]'' She's up in the...tree. :''[Plio is present when an asteroid falls from the sky and then strikes to it, causing violent tremors. But still it hard blow the lemur's island]'' :'''Plio''': COME ON! Go, go! COME ON! :'''Suri''': ''[off-screen]'' Mom! :'''Plio''': Suri! :'''Suri''': ''[crying for help after observing the disaster]'' Mom!! Mom!!! :'''Aladar''': Suri! :'''Suri''': ''[off-screen]'' ''Mom!'' :'''Aladar''': Suri, where are you?! :''[Plio want to find and save Suri in the tree, and she back down to Aladar]'' :'''Plio:''' ''[Frantically after asteriod strikes]'' Run, Aladar! ''Run!'' '''Run!''' :''[Many fireballs soon start falling, and Aladar runs with the lemurs]'' :'''Aladar:''' Yar, Come on! :'''Plio:''' Zini! :'''Aladar:''' ZINI! :'''Plio:''' Jump! :'''Aladar:''' JUMP! :'''Plio:''' JUMP! ''[Zini getting chased by Asteriod in the island and jump, but Plio grabs a hand to him]'' Hold on! :''[as the fireballs, we're getting by destroyed by the lemur island. Aladar, Plio, Yar, Zini and Suri chased by asteroid; but then look down the cliff. He turns around to see the massive cloud of fire barreling towards him. He quickly jumps into the sea as the cloud passes over. Aladar and his lemur family swim to the mainland, only to find out that it was also devastated by the asteroid]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[coughs]'' Plio! Yar! Where are you?! ''[coughs]'' :'''Plio''': Aladar, over here! :''[as Aladar trying to save the lemurs by the asteriod, the waves gathering. Yar coughing, Aladar sighing, are the fires diaster. They all turn back to the island to see that it completely destroyed, the flames from the island illuminating it in an orange glow. Suri goes up to the edge of the mainland and calls out to the island, trying to hear if anyone on the island survived, but she gets no response. Suri weeps, as she realizes that everyone on the island is gone, and Aladar bellows a similar mournful roar. Plio comforts her daughter]'' :'''Plio''': Oh, Suri. Easy, easy. ''[give it hug to Suri]'' :''[after a asteroid devastates Lemur Island]'' :'''Suri''': ''[crying]'' They're all gone. :'''Plio''': Shh, shh. I'm right here. :''[Suri crying]'' :'''Aladar''': Come on. We can't stay here. :''[With that, they climb onto Aladar, who looks one last time at the island, the birds are flying in the skies, that was once his and his family's home before turning around and walking off.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aladar and his closest family in the desert; suri stills cries on Aladar's back]'' :'''Yar''': Now, now, Suri. There's nothing to be afraid of. :'''Zini''': ''[to hearing noise calling]'' LOOK! :'''Yar''': Ah! :'''Aladar''': Whoa! ''[velociraptor runs off]'' Do you see that? :'''Yar''': What? :'''Zini''': I did. :'''Suri''': Me too! :'''Plio''': Where did it go? :'''Aladar''': I don't know. Let's go see. :'''Yar''': Leave it alone. Hey! :'''Plio''': Shh, Dad! :'''Yar''': It-It's 'scaring' Suri. :'''Suri''': No, it's not. :'''Aladar''': Everyone just be quiet. :''[as Aladar and the lemurs walk through the barren wasteland, they see a ''[[w:velociraptor|velociraptor,]]'' he looks curious on what it is and decide to check it out. When they find it, the raptor snarls at them. and soon seven others appear and start chasing them. The velociraptor jumps on Aladar and bites him on the side, and he roars of pain, the other Velociraptor jumps and snap it to Yar in the Aladar's back while he falls down]'' :'''Plio''': Yar, grab on! :'''Yar''': I can't ''reach!'' :''[as Yar grab his Plio's hand to it, when velociraptor jumps and climbs and tries eats it snap to him it misses. until it jumps back the pack of velociraptors, and Aladar escapes from the raptors]'' :'''Plio''': Aladar, they're stopping! :'''Aladar''': ''[Then soon, the raptors ran away when the surviving dinosaur herd appears]'' Huh? :''[Aladar led the Kron, came by]'' :'''Kron:''' ''[his first words after he knocks Aladar down] Stay out of my way!'' :'''Bruton:''' ''[his first words]'' You heard Kron! MOVE IT!! :''[Aladar sees a dinosaur herd walking past him, then sees baby iguanodons walking under him]'' :'''Neera''': ''[bumps into Aladar]'' Watch it! :''[As Aladar looks at Neera, he sees a Pachyrhinosaurus that walks into him with its nasal horn, knocking him to the ground, then a pack of Microceratops jump over him and the lemurs]'' :'''Yar''': Zini, get your head down! ''[sees Baylene, a brachiosaur; she strides over him]'' :'''Eema''': ''[walking by]'' Walkin' backward, huh? Well, let me know if that gets you there any faster! Keep those little legs moving, Url, or you'll get left behind! :'''Suri''': Look at all the Aladars! :'''Yar''': If you're even thinking of joining up... :''[the Velociraptors snarl from behind]'' :'''Aladar''': Hang on! ''[catches up with Baylene]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Soon after, they encounter of a herd of various dinosaurs (Iguanodons, Parasaurolophus, Styracosaurus, Pachyrhinosaurus, Microceratus, ''[[w:Struthiominus|Struthiominus,]]'' and ''[[w:Stygimoloch|Stygimoloch.)]]'' It led by Kron as each other]'' :'''Bruton''': Kron, There is a more protected spot further down the-- :'''Kron''': We'll rest here for the night. Go ahead, Bruton. :''[Bruton shows a bellow roars at the herd, as Aladar walking towards the herd]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh, Eema! I wish we were at your nesting grounds now! All this pushing and shoving about, just for a place to sleep! I'm not used to this kind of behavior. :'''Eema''': Baylene, you've got big feet; just give 'em a kick! ''[shoves a stygimoloch]'' GET! :'''Baylene''': Oh, I couldn't possibly... eh, shoo! Shoo! :'''Eema''': Would you come on, Baylene? If you wanna get to the nesting grounds alive, show some backbone! :'''Aladar''': Hey there! :'''Eema''': Ahhh! :'''Aladar''': ''[after spooking Eema]'' Oh... sorry about that. Uh, it's just that, we overhead you talking and, umm... :''[Url drops a rock enthusiastically at his feet just like a dog, Aladar looks confused]'' :'''Eema''': Well, my word. Look at Url. He doesn't normally warm up to strangers so fast. :'''Baylene''': ''[Sniffing the lemurs on Aladar's back and sneezing to lemurs]'' What an unfortunate blemish. :'''Eema''': Good mud bath would clear those right up. :'''Yar''': ''Excuse'' me? :''[Eema growls in surprise]'' :'''Aladar''': Um, he's my grandfather. ''[chuckles]'' Couple of times removed. :'''Zini''': Or a couple of ''species'' removed. :'''Aladar''': My name's Aladar. This is my family. We're all that's left. :'''Baylene''': Oh, dear. I'm so sorry. :'''Eema''': Baylene's the last of her kind. Finding stragglers like her all along the way! :'''Plio''': I heard you say something about "Nesting Grounds". :'''Eema''': It is the most beautiful place there is, child. It's where the herd goes to have their babies. :'''Suri''': Will we find anybody that looks...like us there? :'''Eema''': Oh, the last few days, I've seen 'em all shapes and sizes. Who knows what we'll find? The hard job now is just ''getting'' there. :'''Baylene''': And we're being driven unmercifully. :'''Aladar''': By who? :'''Eema''': Kron, the herd's head honcho. :'''Baylene''': We can hardly keep up. An older woman like myself, it's...well, it's positively indecent. :'''Aladar''': Then tell him! What's the worst he can do? ''[Neera, Kron, and Bruton approach; Url nervously walks out of the way; Bruton growls; Kron rudely pushes past]'' Hey! What's ''his'' problem? :'''Eema''': That's him, honey, Kron. :'''Aladar''': ''[runs up to Kron]'' Huh. Excuse me! Kron! Got a second? :'''Bruton:''' Get lost kid! :'''Kron:''' ''[chuckles]'' Relax Bruton. ''[comes up to Aladar]'' Who are you? :'''Aladar:''' Uh...Aladar. :'''Kron:''' Why aren't you up here with the— ''[notices the lemurs on Aladar's back]'' ...uh, young bloods? ''[snorts at them]'' :'''Aladar:''' Well, I was back here talking to these guys. I guess they're having a hard time keeping up. So, you know, maybe you could slow down a bit? :''[Neera chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Kron''': Hmm! Let the weak set the pace. Now, ''there's'' an idea. Better let me do the thinking from now on, Aladar. :'''Aladar''': Hey! They need help back here! :'''Kron''': Watch yourself, boy. ''[leaves with a dismissive snort]'' :'''Neera''': Don't worry. That's how my brother treats newcomers… no matter how charming they are. ''[follows Kron away]'' :'''Zini''': ''[to Aladar]'' You sure know how to catch a girl's [[eye]] there, stud! :'''Eema''': I wouldn't be catching nobody's eye if I was you. Especially Neera's. You just keep your head down, and you mind what Kron tells you. :'''Yar''': Since when do we take orders from the likes of him?! :'''Eema''': ''[chuckles]'' Kron has swatted flies bigger than you, pops. :'''Yar''': I could hold that monster's ''brain'' in the ''palm'' of my-! :'''Aladar''': No, Yar, she's right. Better to keep our heads down with this bunch than get 'em bitten off by ''those'' things. :'''Eema''': ''[The velociraptors hissing]'' Well, you just consider yourself lucky that's ''all'' that's following us. :''[When velociraptors playing fighting biting each other but the raptor stop fighting, and furious looking an scaring eye behind to it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, The herd of dinosaurs sleeping on at night, but after that, the sun will rises up in the desert, the herd waking up in the morning to time to moving on. Zini looks find Aladar and his friends are sleeping over in the desert.]'' :'''Zini''': ''[Aladar snoring]'' Hey wake up, enough with the beauty sleep! You're ravishing already! ''[Aladar snoring again, he looks confused and checking open Aladar's eye, sarcastically]'' Hey! Hello! Anybody in there? :'''Aladar''': ''[Get up and swoop Zini into his nostril]'' Zini, what are you ''doing?'' :'''Zini''': I believe you left a wake-up call for the dawn of time. COME ON! Move it! :'''Aladar''': What's the hurry? :'''Zini''': Something's up. The herd's gathering without us. Let's check it out. :'''Bruton''': Rise and shine! Kron says everybody goes. ''[trying to Iguanodon's stomach, and up in the feet]'' Come on, get up! On your feet! :'''Zini''': ''[looks joking]'' Heh. The charm never stops around here. :'''Bruton''': ''[looks confused to Aladar]'' You saying something? :'''Aladar''': Uh, no, no, sir. :''[Bruton walking towards to Aladar around, angoring sensing on each side around in the herd]'' :'''Bruton''': Unless you got a ''death'' wish, you and that little ''parasite'' better get MOVING! :'''Zini''': ''[sarcastically; about Bruton]'' Sheesh! Is that guy ugly or what? Hey, hey, hey, ''[to Neera]'' there's your girlfriend. :'''Aladar''': What are you takin' about? :'''Zini''': You know what I'm takin' about: Neera. ''[about Neera]'' Scaly skin, Yellow eyes. Big ankles. :'''Aladar''': Yeah, I made a real I'm on her. :'''Zini''': ''[whilst combing his head back with his head]'' What you need is a little help from the 'love monkey.' :'''Aladar''': The 'love monkey?' :'''Zini''': Ow! Baby! ''[calling howling out to Neera and the 2 iguandon children]'' :''[Aladar nervously laughs]'' :'''Neera''': ''[About Aladar]'' That, children, is what's known as a jerkasaurus. :'''Zini''': And with that, the ice is broken. :''[When Aladar turning around the herd, Bruton makes the distinctive bellowing roar (the sound that no other dinosaur makes in the movie) with the herd, suddenly, Kron's make attention in the desert]'' :'''Kron''': We've got a lot of first-timers here. Make sure they get it. We stop for nothing, and no one. :''[Silence to the herd]'' :'''Bruton''': ''[turns to herd]'' If this is your first crossing, listen up. There is ''no'' water till we reach the other side. And you'd better keep up, 'cause if a predator catches you, you're on your own. Move out! :''[Bruton head out the herd to start moving. Kron and the herd vision walking cross the desert]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh, my goodness. It looks like a very long walk. :'''Eema''': And hot. If you smell somethin' sizzlin', it could be me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kron''': We're moving too slow. :'''Bruton''': I'll pick up the pace. ''[Bruton makes the distinctive bellowing roar (no other dinosaur in the movie makes a sound that the Iguanodons make) to keep moving out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yar''': Hey, old girl, you're wandering off a bit. :'''Eema''': ''[panting]'' That's all I need: a monkey on my back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eema panting]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[helps Eema get back up]'' On your feet, Eema. We can't let those things eat you. They're out there waiting. :''[Dawn: the Velociraptors are still feeding on the Struthiomimid, when they notice the Carnotaurs and flee]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next day as the herd is traveling to get to the lake, Kron tells his second-in-command, Bruton, to give orders that the herd must keep up because if a predator catches anyone, they're on their own.] :'''Eema''': The lake! :'''Yar''': We made it? :'''Eema''': It's just over that... that hill, baby. :'''Baylene''': Oh, thank goodness. :'''Aladar''': Come on, Eema. Water, remember water? :'''Eema''': Oh, it's time to refresh my memory. ''[Kron drives the herd unmercifully across the hot sunny desert, losing a couple of members in the process, until they finally reach the lake]'' I'm just gonna walk right into that lake until the water's up to my eyeballs and soak it all in. ''[sighs]'' :''[a discover that lake a skeleton dinosaur is a dryed with no water]'' :'''Bruton''': Maybe the rains collected somewhere else. What do you want us to do? :'''Kron''': Take a scout and check the entire perimeter. ''[Bruton to take scout and check the entire perimeter to see if there's any water. a two iguanodon children turns face to Kron]'' ENOUGH! You have to be strong now! The ''nesting grounds'' are only a few days away! KEEP MOVING! :'''Neera''': Kron, we've never gone this far without water: if we keep going like this, we'll lose half the herd. :'''Kron''': Then we save the half that deserves to live. ''[distinctive Iguanodon bellowing roars at herd]'' :'''Baylene''': What? They're moving already? Oh-ho, we'll never keep up. :'''Eema''': There was water here, always water here before. We always had water, always, and... plenty of mud. ''[coughs]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh, Eema, please. The herd won't wait, we must carry on. :'''Aladar''': You gotta get up! :''[Baylene walks rumble]'' :'''Eema''': There was water everywhere. :'''Baylene''': There is no water, dear. :''[as Baylene walks comfort her, Aladar hears something rumble under her feet]'' :'''Aladar''': Baylene, don't move. :'''Baylene''': Oh, what is it? What's wrong? :'''Zini''': ''[as Baylene rumbling her feet above the water]'' Did you hear that? :'''Aladar''': I sure do. Lift your foot, Baylene. :''[She lifts her foot, and Aladar and Zini dig a hole under it]'' :'''Zini''': Ooh! :''[Eema coughs]'' :'''Aladar''': Now press down. :''[Baylene press down, and her titanic size has unearthed the water]'' :'''Zini''': I always did like big girls! :'''Aladar''': Water! :'''Baylene''': Oh, my goodness! :'''Aladar''': ''[makes the distinctive Iguanodon roar to get the herd's attention and calling out the Neera and Kron]'' Water! Come on! :'''Neera''': He found water. :''[Aladar dig a hole to found a water]'' :'''Baylene''': That's it, Eema. Come drink. :''[The others help Eema to drinking a water in the hole, soon, the friends drink, until Kron charges off in the desert]'' :'''Aladar''': Kron, look, all we had to do is dig, and-- :'''Kron''': Good. Now, get out of the way. :''[Kron pushes his way into it while roaring and drinks the water for himself, showing no mercy for the herd charges it]'' :'''Aladar''': Wait! Wait! There's enough for everyone! Ah! :'''Eema''': Ooh! :'''Aladar''': Eema! ''[as he is pushed by the thristy herd trying to make their way to the water; sarcastically]'' That's it! Keep pushing and... ''[he gets shoved to Parasaurolophus]'' Shoving! That's very helpful. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bruton and the scout find no water on their search to them]'' :'''Scout''': Bruton, we've been walking in circles. There's no water here. I think we should get back. :'''Bruton''': Shh. Keep it down. ''[Then Bruton spots a shadow of a Carnotaurus]'' Let's get out of here. :''[a Carnotaurus appears from behind and grabs the scout by the tail, killing him. Then another Carnotaurus appears and tries to kill Bruton, but he manages to escape with wounds. The Carnotaurus eats him, and the other Carnotaurus escape it to him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[One early morning, the friends and the herd sleeps in the desert, Suri tries to ask some timid young Iguanodons to come out on the count of three. Aladar notices and manages to persuade them by convincing them that Suri is harmless]'' :'''Suri''': Now, you come out on 3. 1...2...3! Come on, come on out. No one's gonna hurt you. :'''Aladar''': Hey, hey. What's going on? :'''Suri''': The "little Aladars" haven't had anything to drink. I think they're scared of me. :'''Aladar''': Well, who wouldn't be? You are pretty scary. ''[to the young iguanodons]'' Come on! Take it easy! She's just a hairball. :'''Suri''': And proud of it! Come on; he's going to find you some water! :'''Aladar''': Just dig and press... ''[the young iguanodons fight]'' come on! Let's have a little teamwork. Let's work together a bit. There: just take a foot, and press... ''[All three do so, and water fills the waterhole]''. Good job, Suri. ''[to the young iguanodons]'' So, where're your parents anyway? :'''Neera''': A lot of us are on our own now. ''[beat]''. You like kids, I see. :'''Aladar''': Well, the skinny ones can be a little chewy. ''[both laugh. Beat]''. I'm Aladar... the;–– jerkasaurus. :'''Neera''': Oh! Sorry, about that. :'''Aladar''': You're probably right. :'''Neera''': Why did you help that old one? :'''Aladar''': What else could we do? Leave her behind? Oh! You mean you'd actually;––?! :'''Neera''': Well, that happens all the time... you don't survive if you're not... :'''Aladar''': Strong enough? :'''Neera''': Yeah. :'''Aladar''': Is that you talking? Or your brother? :'''Neera''': Everything's so different... I don't know what to think anymore. :'''Aladar''': Look, Neera, if we all watch out for each other, we all have a chance of getting to your Nesting Grounds. :'''Neera''': You sound so sure. :'''Aladar''': I'm not! But it's all I know. So, water! I'll get you some water. ''[digs]'' :'''Neera''': Can I try? :'''Aladar''': Sure! Just - press! :''[She does. As she bends to drink, their heads knock together]'' :'''Neera''': Oh, sorry. :'''Aladar''': No, you first. :'''Yar''': One down, and... well, one down. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bruton narrowly escapes the Carnotaurs]'' :'''Bruton''': Kron! Carnotaurs! :'''Kron''': ''[confused and disturbed]'' What? They never come this far north! :'''Bruton:''' The fireball must have driven them out. :'''Kron:''' ''[overhears the Carnotaurs roaring]'' '''You've led them right to us!''' '''''MAYBE YOU CAN FEED THEM WITH YOUR HIDE!''''' Move the herd out, double time! :''[Bruton roars for the herd to Leave as Aladar & Neera notice this]'' :'''Aladar:''' What's happening? :'''Neera:''' My brother's moving the herd. Kron! What's going on? :'''Kron:''' Carnotaurs. If we don't keep moving, they'll catch up to us. :'''Aladar:''' But the others in the back, they'll never make it. :'''Kron:''' They'll slow down the predators. :'''Aladar:''' ''You can't sacrifice them like this!'' ''[calls out to the herd]'' HOLD IT! THAT COULD BE YOU BACK THERE, OR YOU! :'''Kron:''' ''[smacks Aladar down to the ground]'' If you ever interfere again, I'll kill you. ''[begins to walk away, but notices Neera approaching Aladar]'' STAY AWAY FROM HIM! ''[pushes Neera away from Aladar, who growls in anger]'' :'''Neera:''' Aladar, no! You just - Just go. I'll be okay. :'''Aladar:''' ''[runs back to warn Baylene, Eema, Url, and the lemurs]'' Let's go! Let's go! Carnotaurs! :'''Yar''': Carno-what? :'''Eema''': Carnotaur! A mouth full of teeth with a bad attitude! Let's go! :'''Aladar''': Come on, you guys, get on, get on! We're gonna get left behind! ''[starts running for the herd]'' Let's go! Hurry up! We're losing them! :'''Plio''': Aladar, slow down! :''[Aladar stops and looks behind to see Baylene and Eema struggling to follow. Then he turns to see Neera, Kron, and the rest of the herd leaving without them. Aladar chooses to stay with Baylene and Eema to ensure their survival]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baylene''': Oh, joy. Blisters! :'''Eema''': I got blisters ON my blisters. :'''Yar''': You don't wanna know where ''I'' got blisters... ''[hears a bellow]'' :'''Eema''': What was that? :'''Baylene''': It came from up ahead. :'''Zini''': Okay, what's the worst thing it could be? :'''Suri''': ''[fearfully]'' A Carnotaur. :'''Zini''': ''[nervous]'' Okay, what's the second worst thing it could be? :'''Baylene''': TWO Carnotaurs! ''[shudders]'' Oh my goodness! O my goodness! :'''Eema''': That's it! I'm gone! :'''Aladar''': Everybody! We don't know for sure! It could be the herd. Let's check it out. :''[They turn the corner to find Bruton, exhausted]'' :'''Eema''': Oh, it's Bruton! :'''Baylene''': It appears we weren't the only ones left behind. :'''Aladar''': What happened? :'''Eema''': Carnotaurs. We should keep moving. :'''Plio''': We can't just leave him here! :'''Eema''': We can if we move fast enough! :'''Aladar''': ''[to Bruton]'' Hey, you don't look so good. Let me help me you. :'''Bruton''': Save your pity. I just need some rest. Now, get away from me! :'''Aladar''': Suit yourself. ''[hears thunder and sees Url with a stalactite in his mouth, moving towards a cave]'' If you change your mind, we'll be in those caves. <hr width="50%"/> :''[they enter the cave]'' :'''Aladar''': It's dark, but at least it's dry. :'''Eema''': I like dry. It's the dark part I'm having trouble with. ''[accidentally steps on Url's spikes]'' OWW! Sorry, Url. Sturdy li'l thing, ain't he? :''[Aladar chuckles]'' :'''Baylene''': Ahem. We appear to have a visitor. :''[They see Bruton limping outside the cave in the rain. He falls; Aladar approaches him]'' :'''Aladar''': You coming in or what? :'''Bruton''': What is it with you? :'''Aladar''': At least I know enough to get in out of the rain. Now, come on. On your feet. ''[helps Bruton up and guides him into the cave]'' Uh, you can lie down with us. It's warmer. :''[Bruton lies down in a corner of the cave by himself]'' :'''Baylene''': May I remind you that he's one of them? :'''Aladar''': Well, looks like he's one of us now. ''[goes to lie down with the others]'' :'''Eema''': Who booked this trip anyway? :'''Aladar''': Ah, you'll be at the Nesting Grounds soon enough. :'''Eema''': Well, when I get there, I'm gonna give Kron a piece of my mind. :'''Aladar''': You tell him, Eema. :''[Url lies on his back and falls asleep]''. :'''Yar''': If I could sleep that deep, I'd be in paradise. :'''Eema''': If you could sleep ''that'' deep, honey, you'd be dead. :'''Plio''': ''[leaps towards Bruton with a special plant in her hands]'' This plant grew on our island. It will make you feel better. ''[takes some of the plant's juice and sprinkles it on Bruton's wounds]'' :'''Bruton''': ''[winces in pain; nods at Aladar]'' Why is he doing this? Pushing them on with false [[hope]]? :'''Plio''': It's hope that's gotten us this far. :'''Bruton''': But why doesn't he let them accept their [[fate]]? I've accepted mine. :'''Plio''': And what ''is'' your fate? :'''Bruton''': To die here. It's the way things are. :'''Plio''': Only if you give up, Bruton. It's your ''[[choice]]'', not your fate. Well, the plant will help. ''[leaps away; Bruton takes the plant]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The footsteps of the Carnotaurs awaken Aladar; he looks out and gazes in surprise at them; Bruton quietly comes up to him]'' :'''Bruton''': ''[whispering]'' Shh. Carnotaurs. :'''Aladar''': ''[whispering]'' What do we do? :'''Bruton''': Wake the others. :''[The Carnotaurs move closer to the cave. Bruton, Eema, Baylene, and the lemurs proceed deeper into the cave. Aladar nudges Url to wake him up; he bellows in fright, and Aladar immediately silences him; the Carnotaurs look up briefly and then continue looking around]'' :'''Baylene:''' Oh! ''[her neck touches the ceiling, causing a rock to fall and hit Eema]'' :''[Aladar attempts to catch it, without success; one of the Carnotaurs examines the rock and sticks its snout through the water and sniffs Aladar before a thunderclap illuminates him; the Carnotaur charges at him]'' :'''Aladar:''' Go! Go! Hurry! Move it, Eema! ''[the Carnotaur grabs him by the tail and drags him back]'' :'''Plio:''' Aladar! Aladar! :''[The Carnotaurs fight over Aladar]'' :'''Bruton:''' ''[leaps into the fray; last words]'' I'll hold them off! You help the others! ''[crashes purposely into the stone columns supporting the roof; he and one of the Carnotaurs are buried]'' :'''Aladar:''' Bruton! ''[He comes back and tries to help Bruton, but the rocks fall on Bruton before he can]'' Bruton! No!! ''[Coughs]'' Bruton! :'''Plio:''' ''[to Aladar]'' You did what you could. :''[A Carnotaurus distance roars on the rocks; Aladar look at the rocks, who's trying to push a rocks trying to get anger and he's very ugly snarling, is the one Carnotaurus left push out of the rocks; A dead second Carnotaurus, Aladar mouns to death Bruton's sacrifice was not completely in vain, as the other Carnotaurus died with him, the large Carnotaurus survives, however, leaving and roaring in vegngence, before continuing his search for the herd.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The herd while gathering in the desert, the two iguanodon children panting, but there's one little falls on the ground, the other little one bellowing, Kron still looking at and when keeps moving. The little one was calling but still, the little one trying get up on your feet]'' :'''Neera''': It's okay, little ones. We're going to make it. ''[she help the little one and continue to move the herd]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aladar, Eema, Url, Baylene and the Lemurs are wandering through the cave. Zini is trying to pass the time by playing "I Spy"] :'''Zini''': Okay, okay, let's do it again, let's do it again. Uh... I spy, with my little eye... :'''Yar''': A rock. :'''Zini''': You got it again! O, you are good. :'''Eema''': Well, I'll tell you what I spy: a dead end. :'''Yar''': What have we done now? :'''Aladar''': I guess we just go back. :'''Zini''': ''[smells something]'' Hang on a moment. :'''Suri''': Zini, what is this? :'''Zini''': You smell that? :'''Suri''': ''[sniffing]'' Yes. :''[Aladar sniffs. Then as Zini pulls out the rocks, we see daylight]'' :'''Eema''': ''[gasps]'' Get a load of that. :'''Baylene''': Nice show. :'''Aladar''': Everybody, stand back. We're outta here! ''[tries to break the rocks, the cave collapses]'' :'''Zini''': '''''RUN!!''''' :'''Suri''': Unh! :'''Eema''': '''''ALADAR, LOOK OUT!!''''' :''[The falling boulders block the daylight]'' :'''Aladar''': '''''No!''''' ''[echoes; tries to break the rocks, but fails]'' :'''Plio''': Aladar, we'll go back. :'''Aladar''': Back to what? It's gone. We're not meant to survive. :'''Baylene''': Oh yes we were! We're here, aren't we? And how dare you waste that good [[fortune]], by simply giving up? Hah, [[shame]] on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! The worst of it is, you allowed an old fool like me to believe I was needed, that I still had a [[purpose]]. And you know what? You were right. And I'm going to keep on believing it. I for one am not willing to die here! ''[rears up and strikes the cave-in again and again]'' :''[The others join in; at length, the wall falls, to reveal a pristine valley beyond]'' :'''Baylene''': Oh my goodness. :'''Eema''': The Nesting Grounds...It's untouched. :'''Plio''': Our new home... :'''Zini''': AND IT COMES WITH A POOL! ''[suri laughing]'' You're lady, you're lady and whooo! :'''Baylene''': Whoo, whoo, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. :'''Zini''': ''[Zini on the Baylene's head]'' CANNONBALL! ''[jump in the lake]'' :'''Baylene''': Ha. Amateur. :'''Zini''': ''[Baylene starts to jumps in the lake, fun waves]'' LOOK OUT BELOW! :''[Url watching Baylene fun waves with Zini]'' :'''Aladar''': Not bad! But I don't get it. Where's the herd? :'''Plio''': ''[sotto voice]'' Not to mention Neera! :'''Eema''': Oh, they'll get here...soon enough. Oh, no! :'''Aladar''': Eema? : '''Eema''': I spoke too soon. : '''Aladar''': What is it? :'''Eema''': That, is the way we used to get in here. ''[indicates a towering pile of stones, blocking an entrance to the valley]'' :'''Aladar''': They'll never make it over that! :'''Eema''': Aladar, wait! Wait! Kron'll eat you alive! :'''Aladar:''' Let him try. ''[runs off]'' :'''Eema:''' ''[sighing]'' I just hope Kron's in a listening mood... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kron continues up the landslide with the herd; Neera and the two iguanodon children follow.]'' :'''Neera''': Stay here. ''[walks to Kron and sees the landslide]'' We'll find a way around it. :'''Kron''': In the morning, we'll climb it. :''[On his way back in the cave, Aladar sees a dead Stygimoloch. A Carnotaurus eats it; Aladar manages to escape.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kron''': ''[to the herd]'' We have to keep trying. For our survival, our future is over these rocks. NOW, LET'S GO HOME! ''[the herd starts going over the rocks Kron looks around for someone as an example before seeing the orphans; to the two iguanodon children]'' You'll make it, won't you, boys? ''[starts shoving them with his head]'' :'''Neera:''' ''[to Kron]'' No. :'''Kron:''' Watch them, They're tough! ''[to the herd]'' If they can do it, '''SO CAN YOU!''' :''[The herd hesitates, then continue toward the rocks]'' :'''Aladar''': KRON! ''[they look back as he approaches the herd]'' Get the herd out of here! A Carnotaur's coming! :'''Kron''': ''[to the herd]'' Keep moving! :'''Aladar:''' Stop! I've been to the valley! There's a safer way! :'''Kron''': ''[angrily to the two orphan iguanodon children]'' Go on! Show them!'' [he shoves one of the orphans]'' :'''Neera''': Kron, listen to him! :'''Aladar''': Look, we've got to go now! :'''Kron''': Go where?! Straight to the Carnotaurs?! :'''Aladar''': If we hurry, we can get around them! You can't get over those rocks! There's a sheer drop on the other side! ''[Kron angrily shoves the orphans more]'' YOU'RE GONNA KILL THE HERD! I know a way to the valley, and everybody can make it! ''[to the herd]'' Now, follow me! :''[Kron approaches the herd]'' :'''Neera''': Kron! :'''Kron''': <big>'''THEY'RE STAYING WITH ME!'''</big> :'''Aladar''': ''[to the herd]'' All right let's go! :''[Fed up with being challenged, Kron loses his temper and attacks Aladar, who fights back. Kron violently attacks Aladar, but he then gets knocked to the ground by Aladar twice. Kron throws sand in Aladar's eyes, slashes Aladar across his chest with his spiked thumb by making a deep cut, knocks Aladar into the ground, and nearly kills Aladar by delivering a deadly strike, but Neera saves Aladar by knocking Kron to the ground. Neera, having grown fed up with Kron's stubbornness and cruelty, turns against Kron by helping Aladar to continue towards the valley along with the herd]'' :'''Kron''': ''[shocked, then livid]'' '''''<big>NEERA!!!!</big>''''' ''[Neera doesn't flinch, so Kron starts climbing over the rocks all by himself, but the carnotaur approaches the herd]'' He's led that monster right to us! This way! ''[continues climbing over the rocks]'' :'''Aladar''': No! Don't move! If we scatter, he'll pick us off! ''[to the herd]'' Stand together! :''[The carnotaur roars at Aladar, who roars back. Neera joins Aladar, along with the herd, forcing the carnotaur to ignore the herd and head towards Kron; Aladar and Neera give chase]'' :'''Neera''': Kron! :''[Kron makes it up to the top, but realizes that the entrance is blocked, and he's cornered]'' :'''Kron''': ''[last words]'' No, no! ''[attacks the carnotaur, who wounds him]'' :''[Aladar, and Neera start fighting with the carnotaur, and Aladar knocks it to its death below. Aladar and Neera walk slowly toward Kron's body]'' :'''Neera''': Kron. :''[Neera nudges Kron's head, but he is already dead. Aladar and Neera embrace each other in sorrow. Later, Aladar, Neera, and the herd head through the cave entrance and finally make it into the valley]'' :'''Aladar''': ''[to Neera]'' Welcome home. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines: Sometime later, the eggs on the nesting grounds, Aladar and Neera become mates and have a nest in the valley]'' :'''Eema''': Move over, everybody! Bringin' in babies is what I do best! :'''Yar''': I'd say it's been a few years since you hatched anything! :''[Both laugh]'' :'''Eema''': You're right. So, let me practice on your head! :'''Plio''': Look! Somebody wants to meet you! ''[to the newborn iguanodon]'' Oh, aren't you the cutest little small-fry I ever did see! :'''Aladar''': Hey, little guy! He looks just like me!. :'''Neera''': Meet your dad. He's not as crazy as he looks. :'''Baylene''': Well done, little one! :'''Yar''': Come 'ere, you little rascal; lemme take a good look at you... ''[the baby pees on him]'' yep. You're your father's son all right. ''[hands the baby over to Plio]'' :'''Zini''': ''[arrives]'' Hey, look what I found! New neighbors! ''[indicates five female lemurs]''. Any of you ladies up for a game of "Monkey in the Middle"? ''[female lemurs playing on him]'' Easy, now! Easy! Hey! :''[The lemurs laughing, Aladar bellows in joy, followed by Neera, Eema, Baylene, and finally the whole herd of surviving dinosaurs.]'' :'''Plio''': ''[closing narration]'' And so, None of us we know what changes, big and small, lie ahead. One thing is certain; our journey's not over. We can only hope that, in some small way, our time here will be remembered. ==Taglines== * Discover a world you've only imagined ==Voice cast== * [[w:D.B. Sweeney|D.B. Sweeney]] as Aladar the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * [[w:Alfre Woodard|Alfre Woodard]] as Pilo the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Ossie Davis|Ossie Davis]] as Yar the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Max Casella|Max Casella]] as Zini the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Hayden Panettiere|Hayden Panettiere]] as Suri the [[w:Archaeolemur|Lemur]] * [[w:Samuel E. Wright|Samuel E. Wright]] as Kron the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * [[w:Julianna Margulies|Julianna Margulies]] as Neera the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * Peter Siragusa as Bruton the [[w:Iguanodon|Iguanodon]] * [[w:Joan Plowright|Joan Plowright]] as Baylene the [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]] * [[w:Della Reese|Della Reese]] as Eema the [[w:Styracosaurus|Styracosaurus]] == Master Theropod Dinosaurs Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Herrerasaurus''' |''H. ischigualastensis'' |Saurischia / Herrerasauria |4 feet |20 feet long |770 lbs |Meat |Argentina |Swift running, sharp teeth |'''Papa Smurf:''' "An early pioneer of the dinosaur world. Very small compared to later giants, but highly efficient!" |- |'''Staurikosaurus''' |''S. pricei'' |Saurischia / Herrerasauria |2.5 feet |7.5 feet long |65 lbs |Meat |Brazil |Lightning fast speed |'''Clumsy Smurf:''' "Golly! This one is so fast, I'd probably trip just watching it run by!" |- |'''Abelisaurus''' |''A. comahuensis'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |8 feet |24 feet long |2 tons |Meat |Argentina |Crushing bite, high vision |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "According to my calculations, its short snout gave it a unique look, but it was still highly dangerous." |- |'''Carnotaurus''' |''C. sastrei'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |10 feet |26 feet long |1.5 tons |Meat |Argentina |Bull-like horns, sprint speed |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "Look at those horns! This guy looks like he never skips leg day. Pure muscle!" |- |'''Ceratosaurus''' |''C. nasicornis'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |8 feet |23 feet long |1 ton |Meat / Fish |United States |Nose horn, blade-like teeth |'''ALF:''' "A nose horn? Neat! I wonder if it tastes good with a side of cat." |- |'''Coelophysis''' |''C. bauri'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |3 feet |10 feet long |45 lbs |Small animals |United States |Pack hunting, agile jumping |'''Garfield:''' "Way too skinny. This guy definitely needs a few pans of lasagna to bulk up." |- |'''Dilophosaurus''' |''D. wetherilli'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |6.5 feet |23 feet long |880 lbs |Meat / Fish |United States |Double head crests, long legs |'''Alvin Seville:''' "Whoa, look at those twin crests! This guy is totally built like a rock star!" |- |'''Liliensternus''' |''L. liliensterni'' |Saurischia / Ceratosauria |6 feet |17 feet long |280 lbs |Meat |Germany |Double-crested skull displays |'''Simon Seville:''' "Its skeletal structure hints at an incredibly agile and nimble hunter of the Triassic." |- |'''Avimimus''' |''A. nemegtensis'' |Saurischia / Coelurosauria |3.5 feet |5 feet long |33 lbs |Omnivore |Mongolia |Feathery camouflage, speed |'''Theodore Seville:''' "It looks like a big bird! I wonder if it likes to eat seeds and berries." |- |'''Compsognathus''' |''C. longipes'' |Saurischia / Coelurosauria |1 foot |3 feet long |7 lbs |Insects / Lizards |Germany / France |Extreme agility, tiny size |'''Teodora Villavicencio:''' "It's so little and cute! It could easily hide right inside a tiny bush." |- |'''Moros''' |''M. intrepidus'' |Saurischia / Coelurosauria |4 feet |8 feet long |170 lbs |Meat |United States |Stealth, rapid growth |'''Winnie the Pooh:''' "A very small cousin of the big T-Rex. I am glad he is small enough to avoid." |- |'''Ornitholestes''' |''O. hermanni'' |Saurischia / Coelurosauria |2.5 feet |6.5 feet long |33 lbs |Lizards / Birds |United States |Grasping hands, quick reflex |'''Tigger:''' "Look at those long grabby fingers! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Perfect for catching fast little critters!" |- |'''Chirostenotes''' |''C. pergracilis'' |Saurischia / Oviraptorosauria |3 feet |9 feet long |100 lbs |Small animals |Canada |Long hands with sharp claws |'''Sid the Sloth:''' "Hey, check out those slender arms! He looks like he's ready to give a big hug." |- |'''Conchoraptor''' |''C. gracilis'' |Saurischia / Oviraptorosauria |2.5 feet |4 feet long |45 lbs |Shellfish |Mongolia |Crushing, toothless beak |'''Kimiko Tohomiko:''' "A specialized, powerful beak. A great example of evolutionary engineering!" |- |'''Elmisaurus''' |''E. rarus'' |Saurischia / Oviraptorosauria |3 feet |8 feet long |55 lbs |Omnivore |Mongolia |Slender, fused foot bones |'''Optimus Prime:''' "Its lightweight build suggests maximum mobility across ancient terrain." |- |'''Oviraptor''' |''O. philoceratops'' |Saurischia / Oviraptorosauria |4 feet |6 feet long |80 lbs |Omnivore / Eggs |Mongolia |Strong, egg-cracking jaw |'''Baby Kermit:''' "They used to think he stole eggs, but he was actually a good daddy protecting them. Hi-ho!" |- |'''Deinocheirus''' |''D. mirificus'' |Saurischia / Ornithomimosauria |18 feet |50 feet long |7 tons |Plants / Fish |Mongolia |8-foot giant claw arms |'''Baby Miss Piggy:''' "Look at those fabulous giant arms! He is definitely the star of this swamp!" |- |'''Dromiceiomimus''' |''D. samueli'' |Saurischia / Ornithomimosauria |4 feet |11 feet long |330 lbs |Plants / Insects |Canada |Enormous eyes, high speed |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "With giant eyes like that, imagine the wild stunts you could see coming!" |- |'''Gallimimus''' |''G. bullatus'' |Saurischia / Ornithomimosauria |6.5 feet |20 feet long |900 lbs |Plants / Eggs |Mongolia |High-speed sprinting |'''Slimer:''' "Oooo! Run fast! Looks like a giant lizard turkey! Can I eat it?" |- |'''Ornithomimus''' |''O. velox'' |Saurischia / Ornithomimosauria |4 feet |12 feet long |370 lbs |Omnivore |United States |Whiplash speed, feathers |'''Bugs Bunny:''' "Eh, what's up, doc? Speeding tickets must be a real issue for this guy." |- |'''Struthiomimus''' |''S. altus'' |Saurischia / Ornithomimosauria |4.5 feet |14 feet long |400 lbs |Plants / Insects |Canada |Gripping beak, fast pace |'''Daffy Duck:''' "Hey! That fast runner is stealing my spotlight! Get your own show!" |- |'''Erlikosaurus''' |''E. andrewsi'' |Saurischia / Therizinosauria |7 feet |20 feet long |1.1 tons |Plants |Mongolia |Slender, curved claws |'''Michelangelo:''' "Whoa! Slender long blades for claws! Totally radical ninja style!" |- |'''Segnosaurus''' |''S. galbinensis'' |Saurischia / Therizinosauria |8 feet |23 feet long |2.5 tons |Plants / Insects |Mongolia |Wide hips, downturned jaw |'''Dawn (Anime):''' "It has very wide hips compared to other theropods. No need to worry, it only eats plants!" |- |'''Therizinosaurus''' |''T. cheloniformis'' |Saurischia / Therizinosauria |16 feet |33 feet long |5 tons |Plants |Mongolia |3-foot giant scythe claws |'''Tee Zeng:''' "The absolute master of the scythe claws. Fierce-looking, but a peaceful plant-eater." |- |'''Adasaurus''' |''A. mongoliensis'' |Saurischia / Deinonychosauria |4 feet |11 feet long |40 lbs |Meat |Mongolia |Sickle foot claw |'''Ripjaws:''' "A sharp foot claw for pinning down prey on land. Effective, but useless in the deep water." |- |'''Deinonychus''' |''D. antirrhopus'' |Saurischia / Deinonychosauria |5 feet |11 feet long |220 lbs |Meat |United States |Leaping strike, pack tactics |'''Huey:''' "A pack-hunting specialist! Working together makes them super smart and dangerous." |- |'''Saurornitholestes''' |''S. sullivani'' |Saurischia / Deinonychosauria |3 feet |6 feet long |22 lbs |Meat / Insects |Canada / USA |Incredible sense of smell |'''Dewey:''' "With a nose that good, it could easily track down its target anywhere in the forest!" |- |'''Troodon''' |''T. formosus'' |Saurischia / Deinonychosauria |3.5 feet |8 feet long |110 lbs |Omnivore |United States |Large brain, night vision |'''Louie:''' "Big brains and night vision? This guy knows how to plan a perfect night raid." |- |'''Velociraptor''' |''V. osmolskae'' |Saurischia / Deinonychosauria |1.5 feet |6 feet long |33 lbs |Meat |Mongolia |Feathered pinning, foot claw |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A tiny but highly coordinated hunter. A reminder that strategy wins over size." |- |'''Albertosaurus''' |''A. sarcophagus'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |11 feet |30 feet long |2 tons |Meat |Canada |Crushing bite, group hunting |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "As a slightly smaller relative of Tyrannosaurus, its leaner frame allowed for greater speed." |- |'''Allosaurus''' |''A. europaeus'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |13 feet |43 feet long |7.5 tons |Meat |Portugal / United States |Axe-like jaw strike |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "Using its top jaw like an axe? Now that is an incredible show of brute strength!" |- |'''Baryonyx''' |''B. walkeri'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |9 feet |30 feet long |1.2 tons |Fish / Meat |United Kingdom |Giant 12-inch thumb hook |'''ALF:''' "A huge thumb claw just for catching fish? Neat! Wonder if it works on cats." |- |'''Daspletosaurus''' |''D. horneri'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |10 feet |30 feet long |2.5 tons |Meat |United States |Heavy bone-crushing jaws |'''Garfield:''' "A heavy, massive skull built for eating big meals. I can completely get behind that." |- |'''Giganotosaurus''' |''G. carolinii'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |13 feet |43 feet long |8 tons |Meat |Argentina |Slicing teeth, massive size |'''Alvin Seville:''' "Even bigger than a T-Rex?! Now that is a stadium-sized titan right there!" |- |'''Metriacanthosaurus''' |''M. parkeri'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |7 feet |26 feet long |1 ton |Meat |United Kingdom |High-spined back ridges |'''Simon Seville:''' "The elevated neural spines along its vertebrae indicate unique muscle attachments or a small sail." |- |'''Spinosaurus''' |''S. aegyptiacus'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |14 feet |46 feet long |7.5 tons |Fish / Meat |Egypt |Giant back sail, swim tail |'''Theodore Seville:''' "His big sail looks like a giant fan! I hope he stays happy splashing in the river." |- |'''Tyrannosaurus rex''' |''T. rex'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |18 feet |50 feet long |18 tons |Meat |United States |King-tier bite force |'''Optimus Prime:''' "The undeniable tyrant king of the ancient era. A powerhouse of absolute authority." |- |'''Yangchuanosaurus''' |''Y. zigongensis'' |Saurischia / Carnosauria |11 feet |26 feet long |1.5 tons |Meat |China |Power lunging |'''Tee Zeng:''' "A true heavyweight warrior of the ancient world. Fast, powerful, and deeply focused." |} == Master Sauropodomorph Dinosaurs Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Anchisaurus''' |''A. polyzelus'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |2 feet |6.5 feet long |60 lbs |Plants |United States |Grasping thumbs with claws |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A small, primitive ancestor of the giant long-necks. A humble beginning to a great lineage." |- |'''Massospondylus''' |''M. kaalae'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |4 feet |14 feet long |300 lbs |Plants |South Africa |Stone-swallowing stomach |'''Garfield:''' "Swallowing rocks to help digest food? I'll stick to lasagna, thank you very much." |- |'''Melanorosaurus''' |''M. readi'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |10 feet |26 feet long |1.3 tons |Plants |South Africa |Quadrupedal heavy frame |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "This species represents the crucial transition from walking on two legs to all four." |- |'''Mussaurus''' |''M. patagonicus'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |1 foot (baby) |10 feet (adult) |250 lbs (adult) |Plants |Argentina |Tiny hatchling size |'''Baby Kermit:''' "Oh wow, the babies are so tiny they can fit right in your hand! Hi-ho!" |- |'''Plateosaurus''' |''P. gracilis'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |11 feet |26 feet long |1 ton |Plants |Germany |High-reaching bipedal neck |'''Baby Miss Piggy:''' "It stands up tall just to get the best food. A dino after my own heart! Kissy-kissy!" |- |'''Riojasaurus''' |''R. incertus'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |10 feet |33 feet long |2.5 tons |Plants |Argentina |Dense, heavy limb bones |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "It's so heavy it can't even run! Sounds like a challenge for a stunt launch!" |- |'''Smurfette smurfensis''' |''S. smurfensis'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |1.5 feet |4 feet long |25 lbs |Sarsaparilla / Plants |Smurf Village |Blue scales, high agility |'''Clumsy Smurf:''' "Gosh! A Smurf dinosaur? I hope she doesn't accidentally stomp on our mushroom houses!" |- |'''Thecodontosaurus''' |''T. antiquus'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |1.5 feet |4 feet long |25 lbs |Plants |United Kingdom |Sharp serrated teeth |'''ALF:''' "Small, tasty-looking, and found in England. Does it go well with hot tea?" |- |'''Yunnanosaurus''' |''Y. youngi'' |Saurischia / Prosauropods |7 feet |23 feet long |1 ton |Plants |China |Spoon-shaped eating teeth |'''Slimer:''' "Mmmm! Spoon teeth! Perfect for scooping up tons of green slime food!" |- |'''Apatosaurus''' |''A. ajax'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |19 feet |85 feet long |25 tons |Plants |United States |Whip-like defense tail |'''Michelangelo:''' "Whoa, that tail is like a radical mega-whip! Total ninja move, dude!" |- |'''Brachiosaurus''' |''B. altithorax'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |60 feet |80 feet long |40 tons |Plants |United States / India |Towering giraffe-like posture |'''Bugs Bunny:''' "Hey doc, how's the weather up there? Don't forget to look down!" |- |'''Camarasaurus''' |''C. supremus'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |14 feet |60 feet long |20 tons |Plants |United States |Boxy skull, hollow vertebrae |'''Daffy Duck:''' "Look at that big ego! Just because you're a giant doesn't mean you get all the spotlight!" |- |'''Diplodocus''' |''D. hallorum'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |18 feet |100 feet long |15 tons |Plants |United States |Ultra-long body structure |'''Ripjaws:''' "A true land monster. Good thing it stays out of my deep water." |- |'''Dreadnoughtus''' |''D. schrani'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |50 feet |89 feet long |49 tons |Plants |Argentina |Massive skeletal defense |'''Optimus Prime:''' "Its name means 'fears nothing.' A fitting title for an unstoppable titan." |- |'''Mamenchisaurus''' |''M. sinocanadorum'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |57 feet |115 feet long |30 tons |Plants |China |50-foot longest neck |'''Huey:''' "Its neck makes up half its entire body length! Imagine how long a scarf it needs!" |- |'''Omeisaurus''' |''O. fuxiensis'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |13 feet |50 feet long |10 tons |Plants |China |Clubbed tail bone |'''Dewey:''' "A tail with a club on the end? That is an awesome way to smack away predators!" |- |'''Opisthocoelicaudia''' |''O. skarzynskii'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |12 feet |40 feet long |10 tons |Plants |Mongolia |Tripod tail-prop stance |'''Louie:''' "It can lean back on its tail like a lawn chair. Now that is my kind of relaxing." |- |'''Patagotitan''' |''P. mayorum'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |45 feet |122 feet long |76 tons |Plants |Argentina |Colossal size, mega weight |'''Alvin Seville:''' "Whoa! This guy weighs more than a whole fleet of tour buses! Absolute giant!" |- |'''Saltasaurus''' |''S. loricatus'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |10 feet |28 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Argentina |Armored bone-plate skin |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "A long-neck with built-in body armor! This guy is ready for a real scrap!" |- |'''Supersaurus''' |''S. vivianae'' |Saurischia / Sauropods |54 feet |120 feet long |40 tons |Plants |United States |Extreme massive length |'''Teodora Villavicencio:''' "It's so long it stretches across the whole forest. Truly a beautiful giant!" |} == Master Ornithopoda & Hadrosauridae Dinosaurs Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Lesothosaurus''' |''L. diagnosticus'' |Ancestral Ornithischia |1.5 feet |6.5 feet long |7 lbs |Plants |Lesotho / South Africa |High-speed agility |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A very early root on the dinosaur family tree. Small, gentle, and very quick!" |- |'''Pisanosaurus''' |''P. mertii'' |Ancestral Ornithischia |1 foot |3.3 feet long |5 lbs |Plants |Argentina |Quick darting runs |'''Clumsy Smurf:''' "Gosh, it's so tiny! It could easily hide right under a big fern." |- |'''Camptosaurus''' |''C. dispar'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |7 feet |20 feet long |1,700 lbs |Plants |United States |Strong chewing jaws |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "Its heavily built hind legs show it was fully capable of walking on two or four limbs." |- |'''Dryosaurus''' |''D. elderae'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |5 feet |10 feet long |200 lbs |Plants |United States |Speed, sharp eyesight |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "This one relies on pure speed to escape danger. No armor, just fast legs!" |- |'''Heterodontosaurus''' |''H. tucki'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |1.5 feet |3.3 feet long |7 lbs |Omnivore |South Africa |Three types of teeth |'''ALF:''' "Look at those big tusks! Finally, a plant-eater that looks like it can bite back." |- |'''Hypsilophodon''' |''H. foxii'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |3 feet |7.5 feet long |45 lbs |Plants |United Kingdom |Rapid forest running |'''Garfield:''' "Built for running away from trouble. My kind of strategy, honestly." |- |'''Iguanodon''' |''I. bernissartensis'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |14 feet |39.2 feet long |3.5 tons |Plants |Belgium / Germany |Sharp thumb spikes |'''Alvin Seville:''' "A giant spike right on its thumb? That's a rockin' defensive move!" |- |'''Muttaburrasaurus''' |''M. langdoni'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |8 feet |26 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Australia |Hollow, echoing snout |'''Simon Seville:''' "The inflated nasal chamber likely amplified its voice for long-distance communication." |- |'''Nanosaurus''' |''N. agilis'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |1.5 feet |3.3 feet long |10 lbs |Plants |United States |Compact agile frame |'''Theodore Seville:''' "It's so little and harmless. It just wants to munch on some soft leaves!" |- |'''Ouranosaurus''' |''O. nigeriensis'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |10 feet |27 feet long |2.5 tons |Plants |Niger |Large back sail |'''Teodora Villavicencio:''' "That massive sail looks like a beautiful fan built right into its back!" |- |'''Parksosaurus''' |''P. warreni'' |Ornithischia / Ornithopoda |3 feet |8 feet long |150 lbs |Plants |Canada |Balanced tail control |'''Winnie the Pooh:''' "A very quiet friend who stays on his toes. I hope he finds sweet grass." |- |'''Brachylophosaurus''' |''B. canadensis'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |9 feet |30 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Flat paddle skull crest |'''Tigger:''' "Look at that flat head! Perfect for sliding right through the thick bushes!" |- |'''Edmontosaurus''' |''E. regalis'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |12 feet |40 feet long |4 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Thousand-tooth battery |'''Sid the Sloth:''' "Woah, that's a lot of teeth! Glad he only uses them to chew on salad." |- |'''Kritosaurus''' |''K. navajovius'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |10 feet |30 feet long |3 tons |Plants |United States |Hook-nosed skull ridge |'''Kimiko Tohomiko:''' "Its distinctive crest acts like a unique visual badge for its herd members." |- |'''Maiasaura''' |''M. peeblesorum'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |8 feet |30 feet long |3 tons |Plants |United States |Nesting and calf rearing |'''Baby Miss Piggy:''' "The name means 'Good Mother.' How sweet, but I'm still the real star!" |- |'''Prosaurolophus''' |''P. maximus'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |9 feet |28 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Small horn-like crest |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "A tiny horn right between the eyes! That looks wonderfully weird!" |- |'''Saurolophus''' |''S. osborni'' |Hadrosauridae / Hadrosaurinae |10 feet |32 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Canada / Mongolia |Long backward spike |'''Baby Kermit:''' "Gee, that spike looks like a built-in party hat on its head!" |- |'''Corythosaurus''' |''C. casuarius'' |Hadrosauridae / Lambeosaurinae |10 feet |30 feet long |4 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Helmet-like round crest |'''Slimer:''' "Oooo! Big helmet head! Looks like a giant melon I want to bite!" |- |'''Lambeosaurus''' |''L. magnicristatus'' |Hadrosauridae / Lambeosaurinae |11 feet |31 feet long |4 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Hatchet-shaped crest |'''Bugs Bunny:''' "That's a pretty wild hairdo, doc. Did you get that at a barbershop?" |- |'''Olorotitan''' |''O. arharensis'' |Hadrosauridae / Lambeosaurinae |12 feet |26 feet long |3.5 tons |Plants |Russia |Fan-shaped high crest |'''Daffy Duck:''' "Hey! Why does his crest look fancier than my feathers? I demand a rewrite!" |- |'''Parasaurolophus''' |''P. walkeri'' |Hadrosauridae / Lambeosaurinae |13 feet |33 feet long |3.5 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Long hollow tuba crest |'''Michelangelo:''' "Whoa! A total party horn on its head! Blow that horn, dude!" |- |'''Tsintaosaurus''' |''T. spinorhinus'' |Hadrosauridae / Lambeosaurinae |10 feet |33 feet long |3 tons |Plants |China |Forward-pointing horn crest |'''Dawn (Anime):''' "What a unique horn! It looks like a little antenna helping it guide the herd." |} == Master Pachycephalosauria & Ceratopsia Dinosaurs Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Dracorex''' |''D. hogwartsia'' |Pachycephalosauria |4 feet |10 feet long |400 lbs |Plants |United States |Spiky, dragon-like skull |'''Alvin Seville:''' "A dinosaur named after Hogwarts? That is totally magical! Rock on!" |- |'''Goyocephale''' |''G. lattimorei'' |Pachycephalosauria |1.5 feet |6.5 feet long |22 lbs |Plants |Mongolia |Flat skull, canine teeth |'''Dawn (Anime):''' "It has tiny sharp teeth but only eats plants. Nature is full of surprises!" |- |'''Homalocephale''' |''H. calathocercos'' |Pachycephalosauria |2 feet |6 feet long |90 lbs |Plants |Mongolia |Broad hips, flat skull |'''Tee Zeng:''' "A low-slung, sturdy build. It looks ready to hold its ground in a match." |- |'''Micropachycephalosaurus''' |''M. hongtuyanensis'' |Pachycephalosauria |1 foot |3.3 feet long |5 lbs |Plants |China |Tiny size, thick crown |'''Huey:''' "This little guy has the longest name of any dinosaur ever! Talk about a mouthful!" |- |'''Pachycephalosaurus''' |''P. wyomingensis'' |Pachycephalosauria |7 feet |15 feet long |1,000 lbs |Plants |United States |10-inch thick bone dome |'''Optimus Prime:''' "Its reinforced skull allows it to withstand incredible impacts during social disputes." |- |'''Prenocephale''' |''P. prenes'' |Pachycephalosauria |2.5 feet |8 feet long |280 lbs |Plants |Mongolia |Sloping round dome |'''Dewey:''' "A fully round dome! This guy was definitely the king of the playground headbutts." |- |'''Stegoceras''' |''S. validum'' |Pachycephalosauria |2 feet |6.5 feet long |80 lbs |Plants |Canada / USA |Rigid bone dome skull |'''Louie:''' "With a helmet that tough, he never has to worry about falling rocks." |- |'''Stygimoloch''' |''S. spinifer'' |Pachycephalosauria |4.5 feet |10 feet long |440 lbs |Plants |United States |Long back-skull spikes |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "Look at those giant horns on the back of its head! That looks wonderfully painful!" |- |'''Leptoceratops''' |''L. gracilis'' |Ornithischia / Ceratopsia |2.5 feet |6.5 feet long |150 lbs |Plants |Canada / USA |Fast bipedal running |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A small, hornless ancestor of the great ceratopsians. It shows that big things have small beginnings." |- |'''Protoceratops''' |''P. hellenikorhinus'' |Ornithischia / Ceratopsia |2 feet |6 feet long |180 lbs |Plants |Mongolia |Tough beak, sheep-like herds |'''Clumsy Smurf:''' "Golly! No horns on its head, but that sharp beak looks like it could snap a twig right in half!" |- |'''Psittacosaurus''' |''P. meileyingensis'' |Ornithischia / Ceratopsia |2 feet |3.3 feet long |45 lbs |Plants |China |Parrot-like beak, tail bristles |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "Its name means 'parrot lizard.' My studies show it used its unique tail bristles for social communication." |- |'''Chasmosaurus''' |''C. belli'' |Ceratopsia / Chasmosaurinae |7 feet |16 feet long |2 tons |Plants |Canada |Heart-shaped giant frill |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "That massive frill makes him look twice his real size! Perfect for scaring away rowdy predators!" |- |'''Pentaceratops''' |''P. sternbergii'' |Ceratopsia / Chasmosaurinae |16 feet |20 feet long |5 tons |Plants |United States |Five-horned massive skull |'''ALF:''' "Five horns?! That's a lot of points. I wonder if you can use them to pick up satellite TV." |- |'''Torosaurus''' |''T. latus'' |Ceratopsia / Chasmosaurinae |9 feet |25 feet long |6 tons |Plants |United States |Largest known dinosaur skull |'''Garfield:''' "A skull that big must hold a lot of thoughts about napping. I respect this creature's style." |- |'''Triceratops''' |''T. horridus'' |Ceratopsia / Chasmosaurinae |9.5 feet |30 feet long |9 tons |Plants |United States |Three-horned defensive charge |'''Simon Seville:''' "The ultimate three-horned rock star of the ancient world! Nobody messes with the king of horns!" |- |'''Centrosaurus''' |''C. apertus'' |Ceratopsia / Centrosaurinae |8 feet |18 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Canada |Forward-curved nose horn |'''Theodore Seville:''' "The single large nose horn indicates a highly focused line of defense against attackers." |- |'''Nasutoceratops''' |''N. titusi'' |Ceratopsia / Centrosaurinae |8 feet |15 feet long |1.5 tons |Plants |United States |Cow-like curved brow horns |'''Winnie the Pooh:''' "He looks like a big, friendly prehistoric cow. I bet he loves eating soft green ferns!" |- |'''Pachyrhinosaurus''' |''P. lakustai'' |Ceratopsia / Centrosaurinae |8 feet |16 feet long |3 tons |Plants |Canada / USA |Flat, thick bone nose boss |'''Teodora Villavicencio:''' "No pointy horns here, just a massive battering ram on its nose! That's an amazing shield!" |- |'''Sinoceratops''' |''S. zhuchengensis'' |Ceratopsia / Centrosaurinae |10 feet |20 feet long |2.2 tons |Plants |China |Hooked frill horns, nose horn |'''Kimiko Tohomiko:''' "Those unique forward-curving hooks along the frill make for an incredible natural defense system." |- |'''Styracosaurus''' |''S. ovatus'' |Ceratopsia / Centrosaurinae |8.5 feet |18 feet long |3 tons |Plants |United States |Spiky frill, giant nose horn |'''Tigger:''' "My goodness, he has a very prickly head. It looks rather difficult to give him a friendly hug." |} == Master Stegosauria & Ankylosauria Dinosaurs Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Chungkingosaurus''' |''C. jiangbeiensis'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |5 feet |13 feet long |1 ton |Plants |China |High back plates, tail spikes |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A smaller member of the plated family, but very well-suited for its forest home." |- |'''Dacentrurus''' |''D. armatus'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |9 feet |26 feet long |3 tons |Plants |United Kingdom |Paired spikes down the back |'''Tigger:''' "Look at all those pointy back spikes! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Bouncing on this friend would be a bad idea!" |- |'''Gigantspinosaurus''' |''G. sichuanensis'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |5 feet |14 feet long |1.5 tons |Plants |China |Massive shoulder spikes |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "Whoa! Look at the size of those shoulder spikes! That is some serious shoulder power!" |- |'''Huayangosaurus''' |''H. taibaii'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |4.5 feet |15 feet long |1 ton |Plants |China |Spike-like plates, club snout |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "According to my books, this is one of the most primitive stegosaurs known to science." |- |'''Kentrosaurus''' |''K. aethiopicus'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |5 feet |15 feet long |1 ton |Plants |Tanzania |Giant shoulder spike weapon |'''Sid the Sloth:''' "Woah! Spikes on the tail ''and'' the shoulders? This guy is like a walking pin cushion!" |- |'''Stegosaurus''' |''S. stenops'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |14 feet |30 feet long |5 tons |Plants |United States |Alternating plates, thagomizer |'''Kimiko Tohomiko:''' "The plates on its back are perfect solar panels for regulating body heat. High-tech biology!" |- |'''Tuojiangosaurus''' |''T. multispinus'' |Ornithischia / Stegosauria |7 feet |23 feet long |2.8 tons |Plants |China |Pear-shaped back plates |'''Tee Zeng:''' "A noble defender from the East. Its low head stance kept its vulnerable neck safe from danger." |- |'''Ankylosaurus''' |''A. magniventris'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |11.5 feet |36 feet long |6 tons |Plants |United States |Heavy bone tail club, armor |'''Optimus Prime:''' "A true biological tank. Defensively armored to withstand the greatest forces of its era." |- |'''Euoplocephalus''' |''E. tutus'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |6 feet |18 feet long |2.5 tons |Plants |Canada |Armored eyelids, clubbed tail |'''Baby Miss Piggy:''' "Even its eyelids have armor! Hmph, I should get some of that to keep the paparazzi away!" |- |'''Nodosaurus''' |''N. textilis'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |5 feet |20 feet long |1.5 tons |Plants |United States |Tight, pebble-like body armor |'''Baby Kermit:''' "He doesn't have a tail club, but his back looks like a cobblestone street. Neat! Hi-ho!" |- |'''Pinacosaurus''' |''P. granger'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |4.5 feet |16 feet long |2 tons |Plants |Mongolia |Extra breathing nostrils |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "Extra nostrils in its armor for dusty weather? That is beautifully bizarre! Let's go swimming in dust!" |- |'''Polacanthus''' |''P. foxii'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |4 feet |16 feet long |2 tons |Plants |United Kingdom |Large pelvic shield of armor |'''Garfield:''' "A giant solid shield right over its back side. Perfect for blocking out uninvited guests." |- |'''Sauropelta''' |''S. edwardsorum'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |5 feet |17 feet long |1.5 tons |Plants |United States |Giant neck spikes |'''Slimer:''' "Oooooh! Sharp neck spikes! Looks like a giant prickly pear! Can I eat it anyway?" |- |'''Scelidosaurus''' |''S. harrisonii'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |4 feet |13 feet long |600 lbs |Plants |United Kingdom |Early armor-plated build |'''Bugs Bunny:''' "An early model tank, doc. It's got the armor plating but lacks the big heavy weight." |- |'''Scutellosaurus''' |''S. lawleri'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |1.5 feet |4 feet long |25 lbs |Plants |United States |Hundreds of tiny armor scutes |'''Daffy Duck:''' "Look at all those tiny little shields! Why don't I get a fancy suit of armor like that?!" |- |'''Talarurus''' |''T. plicatospineus'' |Ornithischia / Ankylosauria |5 feet |16 feet long |2 tons |Plants |Mongolia |Slender, nimble tail club |'''Michelangelo:''' "A fast-swinging tail club? That is totally radical! It's like a prehistoric mace!" |} == Master Prehistoric Neighbors Chart == {| class="wikitable" !NAMED !SPECIES !ORDER/SUBORDER/FAMILY !TALL !SIZE !WEIGHT !DIET !DIGSITE/LOCATION !SPECIAL SKILLS !CARTOON ALL STARS'S COMMENTS |- |'''Dolichorhynchops''' |''D. herschelensis'' |Plesiosauria / Polycotylidae |3 feet |15 feet long |1,000 lbs |Fish |United States |Fast flipper-propelled swimming |'''Dawn (Anime):''' "It looks like a long-nosed penguin when it swims under the water! So graceful!" |- |'''Elasmosaurus''' |''E. platyurus'' |Plesiosauria / Elasmosauridae |10 feet |34 feet long |2 tons |Fish |United States |Ultra-long neck with 72 bones |'''Huey:''' "A neck with 72 bones! That's way more than a giraffe! It could peek over anything!" |- |'''Eurhinosaurus''' |''E. huenei'' |Ichthyosauria / Leptopterygiidae |4 feet |20 feet long |1 ton |Fish / Squid |Germany |Swordfish-like upper jaw |'''Ripjaws:''' "Now that upper jaw is a proper hunting tool. Excellent for slashing through schools of fish." |- |'''Ichthyosaurus''' |''I. conybeari'' |Ichthyosauria / Ichthyosauridae |3 feet |11 feet long |200 lbs |Squid / Fish |United Kingdom |Dolphin-like body shape |'''Dewey:''' "It looks exactly like a modern dolphin, but it's a reptile! Nature reused an awesome design!" |- |'''Kronosaurus''' |''K. queenslandicus'' |Plesiosauria / Pliosauridae |9 feet |33 feet long |7 tons |Marine life |Australia |9-foot skull, giant flippers |'''Louie:''' "A giant sea monster with an absolute whale of a bite force. Glad we are safely on dry land." |- |'''Mosasaurus''' |''M. beaugei'' |Squamata / Mosasauridae |13 feet |90 feet long |20 tons |Marine life |Morocco |Giant paddle tail, double-hinged jaw |'''Alvin Seville:''' "Whoa! This guy is the ultimate ocean king! Stay out of the water, everyone!" |- |'''Nanaimoteuthis''' |''N. jeletzkyi'' |Cephalopoda / Vampyromorpha |40.5 feet |132 feet long |50.000 lbs |Crabs / Fish |Canada |Ancient ink-shooting squid |'''Slimer:''' "Oooo! Ink squirter! Free black paint food! Bleah, tastes like old fish!" |- |'''Ophthalmosaurus''' |''O. icenicus'' |Ichthyosauria / Ophthalmosauridae |4 feet |20 feet long |1 ton |Deep-sea prey |United Kingdom |Giant dinner-plate sized eyes |'''Optimus Prime:''' "Its eyes are highly optimized for capturing low light in the deepest depths of the ocean." |- |'''Plesiosaurus''' |''P. dolichodeirus'' |Plesiosauria / Plesiosauridae |4 feet |11 feet long |900 lbs |Fish |United Kingdom |Four large rowing flippers |'''Tee Zeng:''' "It flies through the water using all four limbs at once. A very balanced martial artist of the sea." |- |'''Cynodonts''' |''Thrinaxodon / Oligokyphus'' |Therapsida / Cynodontia |0.5 feet |1-2 feet long |2-5 lbs |Insects / Meat |Worldwide |Whiskers, burrowing |'''Garfield:''' "Too small and furry. They look like they would wake me up from a perfectly good nap." |- |'''Monotremes''' |''Steropodon / Teinolophos'' |Mammalia / Monotremata |0.3 feet |1 foot long |1-2 lbs |Insects |Australia |Egg-laying mammals |'''Winnie the Pooh:''' "A very soft, very small friend. I think we would be good friends to share a nap with." |- |'''Deinosuchus''' |''D. rugosus'' |Crocodyliform / Pholidosaurid |4 feet |35 feet long |5 tons |Meat / Dinosaurs |United States |Bone-crushing ambush bite |'''Hefty Smurf:''' "That is one massive swamp monster! You'd need some serious strength to wrestle this guy!" |- |'''Sarcosuchus''' |''S. imperator'' |Crocodyliform / Pholidosaurid |3.5 feet |40 feet long |8 tons |Meat / Fish |Niger |Elongated snout, giant bulk |'''Sid the Sloth:''' "Yikes! That is a massive smile full of giant teeth! No swimming today, folks!" |- |'''Anurognathus''' |''A. ammoni'' |Pterosauria / Rhamphorhynchoidea |0.2 feet |1.5-foot wingspan |0.1 lbs |Insects |Germany |Aerial bug catching |'''Teodora Villavicencio:''' "It looks like a fuzzy little bat-frog. So strange but kind of cute!" |- |'''Dimorphodon''' |''D. macronyx'' |Pterosauria / Rhamphorhynchoidea |1 foot |4.5-foot wingspan |4 lbs |Fish / Insects |United Kingdom |Dual-type teeth, puffin skull |'''ALF:''' "Look at that large head! It looks like a flying puffin with sharp reptile teeth. Does it taste like chicken?" |- |'''Eudimorphodon''' |''E. ranzii'' |Pterosauria / Rhamphorhynchoidea |0.5 feet |3.3-foot wingspan |2 lbs |Fish |Italy |Multi-cusped snapping teeth |'''Baby Kermit:''' "It grabs fish right out of the water! That takes some serious flying skills. Hi-ho!" |- |'''Rhamphorhynchus''' |''R. etchesi'' |Pterosauria / Rhamphorhynchoidea |1 foot |4-foot wingspan |3 lbs |Fish |United Kingdom |Diamond-shaped tail rudder |'''Simon Seville:''' "The rigid tail structure and terminal vane acted as an exceptional aerodynamic rudder." |- |'''Scaphognathus''' |''S. crassirostris'' |Pterosauria / Rhamphorhynchoidea |1 foot |3-foot wingspan |2 lbs |Small animals |Germany |Wide, sturdy jaws |'''Papa Smurf:''' "A very robust flyer. It used its strong jaw to catch things on the move." |- |'''Dsungaripterus''' |''D. weii'' |Pterosauria / Pterodactyloidea |3 feet |10-foot wingspan |11 lbs |Shellfish |China |Curved beak, shell crushing |'''Brainy Smurf:''' "Its upturned beak was perfect for prying clams out of the mud. Quite clever!" |- |'''Ornithocheirus''' |''O. simus'' |Pterosauria / Pterodactyloidea |4 feet |15-foot wingspan |25 lbs |Fish |United Kingdom |Snout crest, ocean gliding |'''Baby Miss Piggy:''' "Look at that giant wingspan! Perfect for making a grand entrance!" |- |'''Pteranodon''' |''P. sternbergi'' |Pterosauria / Pterodactyloidea |6 feet |20-foot wingspan |40 lbs |Fish |United States |Large head crest, toothless |'''Bugs Bunny:''' "No teeth at all, doc? Must make eating carrots pretty tough." |- |'''Quetzalcoatlus''' |''Q. lawsoni'' |Pterosauria / Pterodactyloidea |46 feet |85-foot wingspan |950.000 lbs |Land animals |United States |Giraffe-height, spear beak |'''Baby Gonzo:''' "A flying monster as tall as a giraffe?! Now that is what I call a spectacular way to travel!" |} This completely rounds out all the fascinating non-dinosaur neighbors from the ancient world! Now that our giant master catalog is finished, would you like to '''combine all these charts into a trivia game''', or should we '''pick a few creatures for a grand finale showdown'''? == External links == {{Wikipedia|Dinosaur (2000 film)}} *{{IMDb title|0130623}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2000 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2000 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:Animated films about dinosaurs]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] ago5qhjw2f7qrjc772mx5ebv8o1dvay 0 108939 3955184 3952243 2026-06-22T02:43:14Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* Road to the Multiverse */ 3955184 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:FOX|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. ===''[[w:Road to the Multiverse|Road to the Multiverse]]''=== :''[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell? What's happened to us? :'''Stewie''': I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. :'''Brian''': Look! There's our house! :''[Brian and Stewie run towards it]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[laughing]'' Look how gaily we run! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]'' :'''Brian''': Whoa, this is trippy. :'''Stewie''': I should say so. We're in the ''Robot Chicken'' universe. :''[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]'' :'''R.C. Peter''': Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV. :''[Flint, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-Man enter the room]'' :'''R.C. Chris''': Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, Thundercats, He-Man! Yay! Those shows existed! :'''Stewie''': How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? :'''R.C. Chris''': Fuck you! :'''Stewie''': Bye! :''[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]'' ===''[[w:Family Goy|Family Goy]]''=== :'''Brian''': That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought ''he'' was the one getting the [[w:The Cleveland Show|spin-off]]. :''[cut to Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]'' :'''Quagmire''': See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your [[w:Conway Twitty|Conway Twitty]]... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? ===''[[w:Spies Reminiscent of Us|Spies Reminiscent of Us]]''=== :'''Clerk''': Have you made a reservation, Peter? :'''Peter''': Uh... yeah! I did it before her! :'''Clerk''': Who did you talk to? :'''Peter''': Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio? :'''Clerk''': Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times. :'''[[w:Chevy Chase|Chase]]''': You saw ''[[w:Cops and Robbersons|Cops and Robbersons]]''? :'''[[w:Dan Aykroyd|Aykroyd]]''': And ''[[w:My Stepmother Is an Alien|My Stepmother Is an Alien]]''? :'''Peter''': Almost all of them. ===''[[w:Brian's Got a Brand New Bag|Brian's Got a Brand New Bag]]''=== :''[Peter's mishaps cause a car to crash into Cleveland's empty house; the empty tub crashes to the ground]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rita''': ''[after the breakup]'' You can leave my apartment key on the davenport. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the dresser]'' Here? :'''Rita''': No. The davenport- the chesterfield. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the cushioned bench]'' On this? :'''Rita''': No. Does that look like a divan to you? :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the windowsill]'' Here? :'''Rita''': ''[sighs]'' Leave them on the chifferobe. :'''Brian''': ''[frustrated]'' You know what? Just take your fuckin' keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. ''[slams door]'' ===''[[w:Hannah Banana|Hannah Banana]]''=== :'''Monkey''': Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey. :'''Lois''': Oh, that's terrible. :'''Monkey''': I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years. :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers. :''[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]'' :'''Bomber''': Allahu Akbar! ''[crashes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]'' :'''Jake''': Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet! :'''Tom''': ''[from outside the room]'' I don't care, son. I just do not care. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Baby|Quagmire's Baby]]''=== :'''Peter''': Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby. :'''Baby''': Giggity? :'''Quagmire''': Oooh, I say that... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bitch Brian''': Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid. ===''[[w:Jerome is the New Black|Jerome is the New Black]]''=== :'''Joe''': ''[shows off a parrot]'' I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? :'''Peter''': ''[to the parrot]'' Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! :'''Parrot''': Cripple! :'''Joe''': DAMN IT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me? :'''Quagmire''': Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and [[w:Brian: Portrait of a Dog|rescued you from certain death]], and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, [[w:Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey|you defecate all over his yard]]. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of [[Catcher in the Rye]] and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how [[w:Holden Caulfield|Holden Caulfield]] is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known [[w:Cheryl Tiegs|Cheryl Tiegs]] didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "[[w:420 (Family Guy)|legalize pot, man,]]" [[w:Hell Comes to Quahog|how big business is crushing the underclass]], how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a [[w:Toyota Prius|Prius]] doesn't make you [[Jesus Christ]]! Oh, wait! [[w:Not All Dogs Go To Heaven|You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter]], because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? [[w:Brian Goes Back to College|You failed college twice]], which isn't nearly as bad as [[w:The Former Life of Brian|your failure as a father]]! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. ''[sighs]'' Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak. ===''[[w:Dog Gone|Dog Gone]]''=== <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA. :'''Peter''': Join me for what? :'''Lois''': No, PETA, the organization. :'''Peter''': What organization? :'''Lois''': PETA. :'''Peter''': What?! :'''Lois''': PETA is an acronym, Peter. :'''Peter''': No, I'm not. I'm Catholic! :'''Stewie''': Are we doing this? :'''Lois''': No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. :'''Peter''': Someone is having a rally for me now? :'''Lois''': No, for PETA. :'''Peter''': That's me! I'm Peter! :'''Lois''': I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA. :'''Peter''': Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy! :'''Chris''': I think Betty White is in PETA. :'''Peter''': That doesn't even make any sense! ===''[[w:Business Guy (Family Guy)|Business Guy]]''=== :'''Peter''': Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. ''[flips page]'' The African-American heart monitor. :''[cut to a scene at a hospital]'' :'''Monitor''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ''[monitor stops]'' Aw, he dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever! :'''Carter''': Why would you do that? :'''Peter''': 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper. :''[cut to Peter in the kitchen and Hamburger Helper walks in]'' :'''Hamburger Helper''': Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? :'''Peter''': Sure! :'''Hamburger Helper''': Okay, then let's... :''[the camera zooms out revealing Cheeseburger Helper]'' :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! :'''Peter''': Oh, really? :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese? :'''Peter''': What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[shouting angrily]'' No! It won't be the same! :'''Hamburger Helper''': ''[to Peter]'' Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him. :'''Peter''': Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing. :'''Hamburger Helper''': I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food. :'''Peter''': Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[skipping merrily away]'' Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay! :'''Peter''': ''[to Hamburger Helper]'' I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother. === ''[[w:Big Man on Hippocampus|Big Man on Hippocampus]]'' === :''[Peter has amnesia]'' :'''Chris''': Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son. :'''Peter''': Never seen you before in my life. :'''Chris''': Really? Then I must be invisible! ''[takes off his clothes and runs outside]'' Hey, everybody! I'm invisible! :'''Herbert''': Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. :'''Lois''': Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. :'''Peter''': You got a point there, hot stuff. ''[smacks her rear end]'' And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. :'''Chris''': Yay! :'''Lois''': Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids. :'''Meg''': Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. ''[everyone else gasps]'' It was a joke! I was just making a joke! :'''Stewie''': ''That's'' your sense of humor?! :'''Meg''': I was just kidding! God! :'''Lois''': Meg, that's awful! :'''Chris''': Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and ''that's'' what you come up with? :'''Brian''': That's messed up, Meg. :'''Meg''': I was just trying to be funny. :'''Lois''': That wasn't funny, that was just dark. :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that's your father! :'''Chris''': ''[shoves Meg out of the kitchen]'' Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here! :'''Peter''': Heh, heh, heh. ===''[[w:Dial Meg for Murder|Dial Meg for Murder]]''=== :''[Seeing Meg's new appearance]'' :'''Lois''': Meg! You look so different! :'''Chris''': How was prison? :'''Meg''': First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house? :'''Peter''': Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction- :''[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]'' :'''Meg''': My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? :'''Peter''': ''[lifting his hand up]'' I know my way around a joke- ''[Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]'' :'''Chris''': For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life! :'''Meg''': There better be beer in the fridge. ''[Meg leaves the room]'' :'''Chris''': Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website. :''[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]'' :'''Woman''': I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face. :''[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]'' :'''Man''': I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor. :''[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]'' :'''Male Student''': We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lois enters Meg's room]'' :'''Lois''': Meg, honey? I did all your laundry. :''[she sets her laundry on her bed. she then smells the room]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, what is that smell? :''[the camera zooms out revealing a large bucket]'' :'''Meg''': It's my poop bucket. :'''Lois''': What the hell!? :'''Meg''': I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. :'''Lois''': That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! :'''Meg''': No. :'''Lois''': Ugh, God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? :'''Meg''': I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. :'''Lois''': ''[looks closer into Meg's poop bucket]'' Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? :'''Meg''': Yeah, and I think I might need some right now! :''[Meg tears left sleeve off of Lois's shirt]'' :'''Meg''': Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden! ===''[[w:Extra Large Medium|Extra Large Medium]]''=== :'''Diane''': Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day. :'''Tom''': That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts. :''[cut to the park ranger at the forest]'' :'''Park Ranger''': We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope. :''[Joe and three other cops in the background]'' :'''Joe''': All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ellen''': Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself. :'''Chris''': Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do? :'''Ellen''': That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska. ===''[[w:Go Stewie Go|Go Stewie Go]]''=== :''[On the Jolly Farm set]'' :'''Randall''': Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse! :'''Julie''': ''(to Stewie)'' It's okay. Randall's just getting into character. :'''Stewie''': Is he playing a dick? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lois''': Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. :'''Meg''': I don't wanna talk to you. Get out! :'''Lois''': Look, I understand that you're upset. :'''Meg''': You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that? :'''Lois''': I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you. :'''Meg''': Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me. :'''Lois''': Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him. :'''Meg''': You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. ''[She rips a tooth out]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Meg''': He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! :'''Lois''': Well, when you're ready to talk... ===''[[w:Peter-assment|Peter-assment]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quagmire''': ''[to Angela]'' Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. ===''[[w:Brian Griffin's House of Payne|Brian Griffin's House of Payne]]''=== :'''Stewie''': Wow, Brian, you must feel like [[Hitler]] after he wrote ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. :''[cut to Hitler with a publisher]'' :'''Publisher''': Well, we read it and we don't like it... :'''Hitler''': ''[dejected]'' Oh. :'''Publisher''': We love it! :''[both laugh]'' :'''Hitler''': You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The executives want to cast [[James Woods]] in Brian's pilot]'' :'''Brian''': James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old :'''Female Executive''': I know, I know. But what if he wasn't? :'''Brian''': What? But he is. :'''Female Executive''': ...n't. :'''Brian''': My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show. :'''Todd''': It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it. :'''James''': You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius. ===''[[w:April in Quahog|April in Quahog]]''=== :'''Peter''': So you gonna introduce me to your little friends? :'''Stewie''': That’s Trap-Jaw, that’s Optimus Prime, that’s Destro, and that’s a Care Bear. :'''Peter''': You having a tea party? :'''Stewie''': No, we’re working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime’s property line. Destro’s the city councilman who’s telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]'' :'''Stewie:''' When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice. ===''[[w:Brian & Stewie|Brian & Stewie]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[On a cellphone]'' Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a [[w:Thom Browne|Thom Browne]] sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... :'''Brian''': Give me the damn phone! :'''Stewie''': Hey! Stop it. Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was [[w:James Franco|James Franco]] calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. ''[whispered]'' I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. ''[Brian snatches a cellphone]'' Hey! :'''Brian''': Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?! :'''Stewie''': A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. ''[Brian angrily slaps him on a face]'' Ow. :'''Brian''': You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! :'''Stewie''': ''[begins tearing]'' That really hurt. :'''Brian''': Go away! I can't even look at you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! :'''Stewie''': Not energy bars. [[w:Jenny Craig|Jenny Craig]] Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite. :'''Brian''': All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please? :'''Stewie''': All right. :'''Brian''': Can you give me a caramel one? :'''Stewie''': No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt. :'''Brian''': I don't like strawberry yogurt. :'''Stewie''': Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night. :'''Brian''': Okay, I get it. :'''Stewie''': A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room. :'''Brian''': Shut up. :'''Stewie''': Forgets four seconds later that he ate it. :'''Brian''': Shut up! :'''Stewie''': Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Dad|Quagmire's Dad]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': Dad... Are you gay? :'''Dan''': What? :'''Quagmire''': Are you gay, Dad?! :'''Dan''': No, Glenn. Of course not. :'''Quagmire''': Just tell me the truth! :'''Dan''': I ''am'' telling you the truth. Now, calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. :'''Quagmire''': Oh, come on. That's not helping. :'''Dan''': Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay. :'''Quagmire''': You promise? :'''Dan''': I promise. :'''Quagmire''': All right. I believe you. :'''Dan''': But I ''am'' a woman trapped in a man's body, and, while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. :'''Quagmire''': ''[stunned]'' Oh, come on. Just be gay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he regurgitates for a long time, then screams]'' :'''Stewie''': What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER! :'''Stewie''': WHAT!? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT! :'''Stewie''': ''[screams]'' WHY?! :'''Brian''': I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER! :'''Stewie''': OH, MY GOD! :''[both scream]'' :'''Brian''': HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! '''''WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!''''' :'''Stewie''': '''''He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!''''' ===''[[w:The Splendid Source|The Splendid Source]]''=== :''[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]'' :'''Quagmire''': What the hell was that about, who were those guys!? :'''Joe''': I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend. :'''Peter''': You think they were following us? :'''Joe''': Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield. :'''Quagmire''': Aw, Joe, that's so dumb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. :'''Rallo''': Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass. ===''[[w:Something, Something, Something, Dark Side|Something, Something, Something, Dark Side]]''=== :''A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it…'' :''[opening text crawl for "Family Guy Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back"]'' :''It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. But you know this story.'' :''What you may not know is that [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]] had so little faith in the "Star Wars" franchise that they let [[George Lucas]] keep all the merchandising rights.'' :''Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that canceled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer generated cartoon elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode.'' :''[a computer generated cartoon elephant runs across the screen]'' :''Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000. I mean, what a waste. It wasn't even that funny. That's $58,000 that could have gone to curing leukemia. Or muscular dystrophy. Or... what does {{W|Michael J. Fox}} have? [[w:Parkinson's disease|That]]. Alright, let's watch some goddamn cartoons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vader (Stewie)''': Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together &mdash; y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know &mdash; maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part &mdash; but thats a part of it &mdash; but it's not- it's not the whole thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leia (Lois)''': Luke- if that's you, wave your right hand! [pause] No, your '''RIGHT''' hand! :'''Chris (Luke)''': It's ME, you fuckers!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peter finishes telling the story]'' :'''Peter''': The end. :''[The power comes back on and the Griffins cheer]'' :'''Peter''': Well, let's see ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' top this one. :'''Chris''': Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. :'''Peter''': Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]]. :'''Chris''': It's on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. :'''Peter''': I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. :'''Chris''': I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. :'''Peter''': Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? :'''Chris''': ''[sighs]'' I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. :'''Peter''': Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called ''[[Without a Paddle]].'' :'''Chris''': FUCK YOU, DAD! ''[storms off]'' ===''[[w:Partial Terms of Endearment|Partial Terms of Endearment]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, this is Naomi. :'''Peter''': Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? :'''Lois''': Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. :'''Peter''': No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! :''[cut to God standing on a cloud, looking down at him]'' :'''God''': Don't mention it, Peter. :'''Chorus''': ''[sing]'' God! He knows what turns you on! :'''God''': ''[to the home audience]'' Have fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the end of the episode]'' :'''Lois''': Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. :''[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to the home audience]'' We had the abortion. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Family Guy}} ::'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.'' [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] 3zjz30fr2n3t0il58654qvbi7t5b6tj 3955186 3955184 2026-06-22T02:57:34Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* Road to the Multiverse */ 3955186 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:FOX|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. ===''[[w:Road to the Multiverse|Road to the Multiverse]]''=== :''[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell? What's happened to us? :'''Stewie''': I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. :'''Brian''': Look! There's our house! :''[Brian and Stewie run towards it]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[laughing]'' Look how gaily we run! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]'' :'''Brian''': Whoa, this is trippy. :'''Stewie''': I should say so. We're in the ''Robot Chicken'' universe. :''[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]'' :'''R.C. Peter''': Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV. :''[Flint, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-Man enter the room]'' :'''R.C. Chris''': Look! '''[[w:G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero|G.I. Joe]]''', '''[[w:Transformers: Armada|Transformers]]''', '''[[w:ThunderCats|ThunderCats]]''', '''[[w:He-Man|He-Man]]'''! Yay! Those shows existed! :'''Stewie''': How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? :'''R.C. Chris''': Fuck you! :'''Stewie''': Bye! :''[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]'' ===''[[w:Family Goy|Family Goy]]''=== :'''Brian''': That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought ''he'' was the one getting the [[w:The Cleveland Show|spin-off]]. :''[cut to Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]'' :'''Quagmire''': See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your [[w:Conway Twitty|Conway Twitty]]... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? ===''[[w:Spies Reminiscent of Us|Spies Reminiscent of Us]]''=== :'''Clerk''': Have you made a reservation, Peter? :'''Peter''': Uh... yeah! I did it before her! :'''Clerk''': Who did you talk to? :'''Peter''': Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio? :'''Clerk''': Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times. :'''[[w:Chevy Chase|Chase]]''': You saw ''[[w:Cops and Robbersons|Cops and Robbersons]]''? :'''[[w:Dan Aykroyd|Aykroyd]]''': And ''[[w:My Stepmother Is an Alien|My Stepmother Is an Alien]]''? :'''Peter''': Almost all of them. ===''[[w:Brian's Got a Brand New Bag|Brian's Got a Brand New Bag]]''=== :''[Peter's mishaps cause a car to crash into Cleveland's empty house; the empty tub crashes to the ground]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rita''': ''[after the breakup]'' You can leave my apartment key on the davenport. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the dresser]'' Here? :'''Rita''': No. The davenport- the chesterfield. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the cushioned bench]'' On this? :'''Rita''': No. Does that look like a divan to you? :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the windowsill]'' Here? :'''Rita''': ''[sighs]'' Leave them on the chifferobe. :'''Brian''': ''[frustrated]'' You know what? Just take your fuckin' keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. ''[slams door]'' ===''[[w:Hannah Banana|Hannah Banana]]''=== :'''Monkey''': Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey. :'''Lois''': Oh, that's terrible. :'''Monkey''': I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years. :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers. :''[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]'' :'''Bomber''': Allahu Akbar! ''[crashes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]'' :'''Jake''': Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet! :'''Tom''': ''[from outside the room]'' I don't care, son. I just do not care. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Baby|Quagmire's Baby]]''=== :'''Peter''': Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby. :'''Baby''': Giggity? :'''Quagmire''': Oooh, I say that... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bitch Brian''': Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid. ===''[[w:Jerome is the New Black|Jerome is the New Black]]''=== :'''Joe''': ''[shows off a parrot]'' I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? :'''Peter''': ''[to the parrot]'' Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! :'''Parrot''': Cripple! :'''Joe''': DAMN IT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me? :'''Quagmire''': Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and [[w:Brian: Portrait of a Dog|rescued you from certain death]], and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, [[w:Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey|you defecate all over his yard]]. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of [[Catcher in the Rye]] and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how [[w:Holden Caulfield|Holden Caulfield]] is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known [[w:Cheryl Tiegs|Cheryl Tiegs]] didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "[[w:420 (Family Guy)|legalize pot, man,]]" [[w:Hell Comes to Quahog|how big business is crushing the underclass]], how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a [[w:Toyota Prius|Prius]] doesn't make you [[Jesus Christ]]! Oh, wait! [[w:Not All Dogs Go To Heaven|You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter]], because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? [[w:Brian Goes Back to College|You failed college twice]], which isn't nearly as bad as [[w:The Former Life of Brian|your failure as a father]]! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. ''[sighs]'' Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak. ===''[[w:Dog Gone|Dog Gone]]''=== <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA. :'''Peter''': Join me for what? :'''Lois''': No, PETA, the organization. :'''Peter''': What organization? :'''Lois''': PETA. :'''Peter''': What?! :'''Lois''': PETA is an acronym, Peter. :'''Peter''': No, I'm not. I'm Catholic! :'''Stewie''': Are we doing this? :'''Lois''': No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. :'''Peter''': Someone is having a rally for me now? :'''Lois''': No, for PETA. :'''Peter''': That's me! I'm Peter! :'''Lois''': I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA. :'''Peter''': Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy! :'''Chris''': I think Betty White is in PETA. :'''Peter''': That doesn't even make any sense! ===''[[w:Business Guy (Family Guy)|Business Guy]]''=== :'''Peter''': Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. ''[flips page]'' The African-American heart monitor. :''[cut to a scene at a hospital]'' :'''Monitor''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ''[monitor stops]'' Aw, he dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever! :'''Carter''': Why would you do that? :'''Peter''': 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper. :''[cut to Peter in the kitchen and Hamburger Helper walks in]'' :'''Hamburger Helper''': Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? :'''Peter''': Sure! :'''Hamburger Helper''': Okay, then let's... :''[the camera zooms out revealing Cheeseburger Helper]'' :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! :'''Peter''': Oh, really? :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese? :'''Peter''': What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[shouting angrily]'' No! It won't be the same! :'''Hamburger Helper''': ''[to Peter]'' Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him. :'''Peter''': Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing. :'''Hamburger Helper''': I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food. :'''Peter''': Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[skipping merrily away]'' Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay! :'''Peter''': ''[to Hamburger Helper]'' I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother. === ''[[w:Big Man on Hippocampus|Big Man on Hippocampus]]'' === :''[Peter has amnesia]'' :'''Chris''': Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son. :'''Peter''': Never seen you before in my life. :'''Chris''': Really? Then I must be invisible! ''[takes off his clothes and runs outside]'' Hey, everybody! I'm invisible! :'''Herbert''': Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. :'''Lois''': Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. :'''Peter''': You got a point there, hot stuff. ''[smacks her rear end]'' And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. :'''Chris''': Yay! :'''Lois''': Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids. :'''Meg''': Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. ''[everyone else gasps]'' It was a joke! I was just making a joke! :'''Stewie''': ''That's'' your sense of humor?! :'''Meg''': I was just kidding! God! :'''Lois''': Meg, that's awful! :'''Chris''': Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and ''that's'' what you come up with? :'''Brian''': That's messed up, Meg. :'''Meg''': I was just trying to be funny. :'''Lois''': That wasn't funny, that was just dark. :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that's your father! :'''Chris''': ''[shoves Meg out of the kitchen]'' Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here! :'''Peter''': Heh, heh, heh. ===''[[w:Dial Meg for Murder|Dial Meg for Murder]]''=== :''[Seeing Meg's new appearance]'' :'''Lois''': Meg! You look so different! :'''Chris''': How was prison? :'''Meg''': First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house? :'''Peter''': Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction- :''[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]'' :'''Meg''': My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? :'''Peter''': ''[lifting his hand up]'' I know my way around a joke- ''[Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]'' :'''Chris''': For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life! :'''Meg''': There better be beer in the fridge. ''[Meg leaves the room]'' :'''Chris''': Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website. :''[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]'' :'''Woman''': I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face. :''[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]'' :'''Man''': I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor. :''[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]'' :'''Male Student''': We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lois enters Meg's room]'' :'''Lois''': Meg, honey? I did all your laundry. :''[she sets her laundry on her bed. she then smells the room]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, what is that smell? :''[the camera zooms out revealing a large bucket]'' :'''Meg''': It's my poop bucket. :'''Lois''': What the hell!? :'''Meg''': I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. :'''Lois''': That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! :'''Meg''': No. :'''Lois''': Ugh, God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? :'''Meg''': I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. :'''Lois''': ''[looks closer into Meg's poop bucket]'' Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? :'''Meg''': Yeah, and I think I might need some right now! :''[Meg tears left sleeve off of Lois's shirt]'' :'''Meg''': Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden! ===''[[w:Extra Large Medium|Extra Large Medium]]''=== :'''Diane''': Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day. :'''Tom''': That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts. :''[cut to the park ranger at the forest]'' :'''Park Ranger''': We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope. :''[Joe and three other cops in the background]'' :'''Joe''': All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ellen''': Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself. :'''Chris''': Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do? :'''Ellen''': That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska. ===''[[w:Go Stewie Go|Go Stewie Go]]''=== :''[On the Jolly Farm set]'' :'''Randall''': Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse! :'''Julie''': ''(to Stewie)'' It's okay. Randall's just getting into character. :'''Stewie''': Is he playing a dick? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lois''': Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. :'''Meg''': I don't wanna talk to you. Get out! :'''Lois''': Look, I understand that you're upset. :'''Meg''': You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that? :'''Lois''': I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you. :'''Meg''': Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me. :'''Lois''': Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him. :'''Meg''': You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. ''[She rips a tooth out]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Meg''': He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! :'''Lois''': Well, when you're ready to talk... ===''[[w:Peter-assment|Peter-assment]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quagmire''': ''[to Angela]'' Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. ===''[[w:Brian Griffin's House of Payne|Brian Griffin's House of Payne]]''=== :'''Stewie''': Wow, Brian, you must feel like [[Hitler]] after he wrote ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. :''[cut to Hitler with a publisher]'' :'''Publisher''': Well, we read it and we don't like it... :'''Hitler''': ''[dejected]'' Oh. :'''Publisher''': We love it! :''[both laugh]'' :'''Hitler''': You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The executives want to cast [[James Woods]] in Brian's pilot]'' :'''Brian''': James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old :'''Female Executive''': I know, I know. But what if he wasn't? :'''Brian''': What? But he is. :'''Female Executive''': ...n't. :'''Brian''': My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show. :'''Todd''': It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it. :'''James''': You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius. ===''[[w:April in Quahog|April in Quahog]]''=== :'''Peter''': So you gonna introduce me to your little friends? :'''Stewie''': That’s Trap-Jaw, that’s Optimus Prime, that’s Destro, and that’s a Care Bear. :'''Peter''': You having a tea party? :'''Stewie''': No, we’re working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime’s property line. Destro’s the city councilman who’s telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]'' :'''Stewie:''' When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice. ===''[[w:Brian & Stewie|Brian & Stewie]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[On a cellphone]'' Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a [[w:Thom Browne|Thom Browne]] sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... :'''Brian''': Give me the damn phone! :'''Stewie''': Hey! Stop it. Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was [[w:James Franco|James Franco]] calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. ''[whispered]'' I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. ''[Brian snatches a cellphone]'' Hey! :'''Brian''': Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?! :'''Stewie''': A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. ''[Brian angrily slaps him on a face]'' Ow. :'''Brian''': You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! :'''Stewie''': ''[begins tearing]'' That really hurt. :'''Brian''': Go away! I can't even look at you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! :'''Stewie''': Not energy bars. [[w:Jenny Craig|Jenny Craig]] Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite. :'''Brian''': All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please? :'''Stewie''': All right. :'''Brian''': Can you give me a caramel one? :'''Stewie''': No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt. :'''Brian''': I don't like strawberry yogurt. :'''Stewie''': Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night. :'''Brian''': Okay, I get it. :'''Stewie''': A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room. :'''Brian''': Shut up. :'''Stewie''': Forgets four seconds later that he ate it. :'''Brian''': Shut up! :'''Stewie''': Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Dad|Quagmire's Dad]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': Dad... Are you gay? :'''Dan''': What? :'''Quagmire''': Are you gay, Dad?! :'''Dan''': No, Glenn. Of course not. :'''Quagmire''': Just tell me the truth! :'''Dan''': I ''am'' telling you the truth. Now, calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. :'''Quagmire''': Oh, come on. That's not helping. :'''Dan''': Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay. :'''Quagmire''': You promise? :'''Dan''': I promise. :'''Quagmire''': All right. I believe you. :'''Dan''': But I ''am'' a woman trapped in a man's body, and, while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. :'''Quagmire''': ''[stunned]'' Oh, come on. Just be gay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he regurgitates for a long time, then screams]'' :'''Stewie''': What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER! :'''Stewie''': WHAT!? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT! :'''Stewie''': ''[screams]'' WHY?! :'''Brian''': I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER! :'''Stewie''': OH, MY GOD! :''[both scream]'' :'''Brian''': HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! '''''WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!''''' :'''Stewie''': '''''He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!''''' ===''[[w:The Splendid Source|The Splendid Source]]''=== :''[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]'' :'''Quagmire''': What the hell was that about, who were those guys!? :'''Joe''': I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend. :'''Peter''': You think they were following us? :'''Joe''': Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield. :'''Quagmire''': Aw, Joe, that's so dumb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. :'''Rallo''': Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass. ===''[[w:Something, Something, Something, Dark Side|Something, Something, Something, Dark Side]]''=== :''A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it…'' :''[opening text crawl for "Family Guy Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back"]'' :''It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. But you know this story.'' :''What you may not know is that [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]] had so little faith in the "Star Wars" franchise that they let [[George Lucas]] keep all the merchandising rights.'' :''Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that canceled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer generated cartoon elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode.'' :''[a computer generated cartoon elephant runs across the screen]'' :''Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000. I mean, what a waste. It wasn't even that funny. That's $58,000 that could have gone to curing leukemia. Or muscular dystrophy. Or... what does {{W|Michael J. Fox}} have? [[w:Parkinson's disease|That]]. Alright, let's watch some goddamn cartoons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vader (Stewie)''': Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together &mdash; y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know &mdash; maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part &mdash; but thats a part of it &mdash; but it's not- it's not the whole thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leia (Lois)''': Luke- if that's you, wave your right hand! [pause] No, your '''RIGHT''' hand! :'''Chris (Luke)''': It's ME, you fuckers!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peter finishes telling the story]'' :'''Peter''': The end. :''[The power comes back on and the Griffins cheer]'' :'''Peter''': Well, let's see ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' top this one. :'''Chris''': Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. :'''Peter''': Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]]. :'''Chris''': It's on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. :'''Peter''': I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. :'''Chris''': I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. :'''Peter''': Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? :'''Chris''': ''[sighs]'' I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. :'''Peter''': Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called ''[[Without a Paddle]].'' :'''Chris''': FUCK YOU, DAD! ''[storms off]'' ===''[[w:Partial Terms of Endearment|Partial Terms of Endearment]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, this is Naomi. :'''Peter''': Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? :'''Lois''': Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. :'''Peter''': No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! :''[cut to God standing on a cloud, looking down at him]'' :'''God''': Don't mention it, Peter. :'''Chorus''': ''[sing]'' God! He knows what turns you on! :'''God''': ''[to the home audience]'' Have fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the end of the episode]'' :'''Lois''': Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. :''[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to the home audience]'' We had the abortion. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Family Guy}} ::'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.'' [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] dyt275nlph14titiso5mxdz87a7b3nb 3955220 3955186 2026-06-22T04:49:03Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* April in Quahog */ 3955220 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:FOX|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. ===''[[w:Road to the Multiverse|Road to the Multiverse]]''=== :''[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell? What's happened to us? :'''Stewie''': I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. :'''Brian''': Look! There's our house! :''[Brian and Stewie run towards it]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[laughing]'' Look how gaily we run! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]'' :'''Brian''': Whoa, this is trippy. :'''Stewie''': I should say so. We're in the ''Robot Chicken'' universe. :''[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]'' :'''R.C. Peter''': Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV. :''[Flint, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-Man enter the room]'' :'''R.C. Chris''': Look! '''[[w:G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero|G.I. Joe]]''', '''[[w:Transformers: Armada|Transformers]]''', '''[[w:ThunderCats|ThunderCats]]''', '''[[w:He-Man|He-Man]]'''! Yay! Those shows existed! :'''Stewie''': How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? :'''R.C. Chris''': Fuck you! :'''Stewie''': Bye! :''[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]'' ===''[[w:Family Goy|Family Goy]]''=== :'''Brian''': That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought ''he'' was the one getting the [[w:The Cleveland Show|spin-off]]. :''[cut to Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]'' :'''Quagmire''': See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your [[w:Conway Twitty|Conway Twitty]]... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? ===''[[w:Spies Reminiscent of Us|Spies Reminiscent of Us]]''=== :'''Clerk''': Have you made a reservation, Peter? :'''Peter''': Uh... yeah! I did it before her! :'''Clerk''': Who did you talk to? :'''Peter''': Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio? :'''Clerk''': Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times. :'''[[w:Chevy Chase|Chase]]''': You saw ''[[w:Cops and Robbersons|Cops and Robbersons]]''? :'''[[w:Dan Aykroyd|Aykroyd]]''': And ''[[w:My Stepmother Is an Alien|My Stepmother Is an Alien]]''? :'''Peter''': Almost all of them. ===''[[w:Brian's Got a Brand New Bag|Brian's Got a Brand New Bag]]''=== :''[Peter's mishaps cause a car to crash into Cleveland's empty house; the empty tub crashes to the ground]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rita''': ''[after the breakup]'' You can leave my apartment key on the davenport. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the dresser]'' Here? :'''Rita''': No. The davenport- the chesterfield. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the cushioned bench]'' On this? :'''Rita''': No. Does that look like a divan to you? :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the windowsill]'' Here? :'''Rita''': ''[sighs]'' Leave them on the chifferobe. :'''Brian''': ''[frustrated]'' You know what? Just take your fuckin' keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. ''[slams door]'' ===''[[w:Hannah Banana|Hannah Banana]]''=== :'''Monkey''': Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey. :'''Lois''': Oh, that's terrible. :'''Monkey''': I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years. :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers. :''[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]'' :'''Bomber''': Allahu Akbar! ''[crashes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]'' :'''Jake''': Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet! :'''Tom''': ''[from outside the room]'' I don't care, son. I just do not care. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Baby|Quagmire's Baby]]''=== :'''Peter''': Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby. :'''Baby''': Giggity? :'''Quagmire''': Oooh, I say that... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bitch Brian''': Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid. ===''[[w:Jerome is the New Black|Jerome is the New Black]]''=== :'''Joe''': ''[shows off a parrot]'' I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? :'''Peter''': ''[to the parrot]'' Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! :'''Parrot''': Cripple! :'''Joe''': DAMN IT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me? :'''Quagmire''': Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and [[w:Brian: Portrait of a Dog|rescued you from certain death]], and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, [[w:Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey|you defecate all over his yard]]. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of [[Catcher in the Rye]] and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how [[w:Holden Caulfield|Holden Caulfield]] is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known [[w:Cheryl Tiegs|Cheryl Tiegs]] didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "[[w:420 (Family Guy)|legalize pot, man,]]" [[w:Hell Comes to Quahog|how big business is crushing the underclass]], how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a [[w:Toyota Prius|Prius]] doesn't make you [[Jesus Christ]]! Oh, wait! [[w:Not All Dogs Go To Heaven|You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter]], because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? [[w:Brian Goes Back to College|You failed college twice]], which isn't nearly as bad as [[w:The Former Life of Brian|your failure as a father]]! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. ''[sighs]'' Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak. ===''[[w:Dog Gone|Dog Gone]]''=== <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA. :'''Peter''': Join me for what? :'''Lois''': No, PETA, the organization. :'''Peter''': What organization? :'''Lois''': PETA. :'''Peter''': What?! :'''Lois''': PETA is an acronym, Peter. :'''Peter''': No, I'm not. I'm Catholic! :'''Stewie''': Are we doing this? :'''Lois''': No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. :'''Peter''': Someone is having a rally for me now? :'''Lois''': No, for PETA. :'''Peter''': That's me! I'm Peter! :'''Lois''': I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA. :'''Peter''': Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy! :'''Chris''': I think Betty White is in PETA. :'''Peter''': That doesn't even make any sense! ===''[[w:Business Guy (Family Guy)|Business Guy]]''=== :'''Peter''': Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. ''[flips page]'' The African-American heart monitor. :''[cut to a scene at a hospital]'' :'''Monitor''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ''[monitor stops]'' Aw, he dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever! :'''Carter''': Why would you do that? :'''Peter''': 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper. :''[cut to Peter in the kitchen and Hamburger Helper walks in]'' :'''Hamburger Helper''': Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? :'''Peter''': Sure! :'''Hamburger Helper''': Okay, then let's... :''[the camera zooms out revealing Cheeseburger Helper]'' :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! :'''Peter''': Oh, really? :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese? :'''Peter''': What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[shouting angrily]'' No! It won't be the same! :'''Hamburger Helper''': ''[to Peter]'' Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him. :'''Peter''': Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing. :'''Hamburger Helper''': I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food. :'''Peter''': Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[skipping merrily away]'' Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay! :'''Peter''': ''[to Hamburger Helper]'' I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother. === ''[[w:Big Man on Hippocampus|Big Man on Hippocampus]]'' === :''[Peter has amnesia]'' :'''Chris''': Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son. :'''Peter''': Never seen you before in my life. :'''Chris''': Really? Then I must be invisible! ''[takes off his clothes and runs outside]'' Hey, everybody! I'm invisible! :'''Herbert''': Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. :'''Lois''': Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. :'''Peter''': You got a point there, hot stuff. ''[smacks her rear end]'' And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. :'''Chris''': Yay! :'''Lois''': Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids. :'''Meg''': Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. ''[everyone else gasps]'' It was a joke! I was just making a joke! :'''Stewie''': ''That's'' your sense of humor?! :'''Meg''': I was just kidding! God! :'''Lois''': Meg, that's awful! :'''Chris''': Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and ''that's'' what you come up with? :'''Brian''': That's messed up, Meg. :'''Meg''': I was just trying to be funny. :'''Lois''': That wasn't funny, that was just dark. :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that's your father! :'''Chris''': ''[shoves Meg out of the kitchen]'' Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here! :'''Peter''': Heh, heh, heh. ===''[[w:Dial Meg for Murder|Dial Meg for Murder]]''=== :''[Seeing Meg's new appearance]'' :'''Lois''': Meg! You look so different! :'''Chris''': How was prison? :'''Meg''': First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house? :'''Peter''': Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction- :''[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]'' :'''Meg''': My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? :'''Peter''': ''[lifting his hand up]'' I know my way around a joke- ''[Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]'' :'''Chris''': For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life! :'''Meg''': There better be beer in the fridge. ''[Meg leaves the room]'' :'''Chris''': Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website. :''[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]'' :'''Woman''': I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face. :''[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]'' :'''Man''': I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor. :''[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]'' :'''Male Student''': We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lois enters Meg's room]'' :'''Lois''': Meg, honey? I did all your laundry. :''[she sets her laundry on her bed. she then smells the room]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, what is that smell? :''[the camera zooms out revealing a large bucket]'' :'''Meg''': It's my poop bucket. :'''Lois''': What the hell!? :'''Meg''': I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. :'''Lois''': That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! :'''Meg''': No. :'''Lois''': Ugh, God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? :'''Meg''': I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. :'''Lois''': ''[looks closer into Meg's poop bucket]'' Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? :'''Meg''': Yeah, and I think I might need some right now! :''[Meg tears left sleeve off of Lois's shirt]'' :'''Meg''': Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden! ===''[[w:Extra Large Medium|Extra Large Medium]]''=== :'''Diane''': Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day. :'''Tom''': That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts. :''[cut to the park ranger at the forest]'' :'''Park Ranger''': We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope. :''[Joe and three other cops in the background]'' :'''Joe''': All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ellen''': Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself. :'''Chris''': Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do? :'''Ellen''': That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska. ===''[[w:Go Stewie Go|Go Stewie Go]]''=== :''[On the Jolly Farm set]'' :'''Randall''': Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse! :'''Julie''': ''(to Stewie)'' It's okay. Randall's just getting into character. :'''Stewie''': Is he playing a dick? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lois''': Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. :'''Meg''': I don't wanna talk to you. Get out! :'''Lois''': Look, I understand that you're upset. :'''Meg''': You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that? :'''Lois''': I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you. :'''Meg''': Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me. :'''Lois''': Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him. :'''Meg''': You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. ''[She rips a tooth out]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Meg''': He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! :'''Lois''': Well, when you're ready to talk... ===''[[w:Peter-assment|Peter-assment]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quagmire''': ''[to Angela]'' Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. ===''[[w:Brian Griffin's House of Payne|Brian Griffin's House of Payne]]''=== :'''Stewie''': Wow, Brian, you must feel like [[Hitler]] after he wrote ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. :''[cut to Hitler with a publisher]'' :'''Publisher''': Well, we read it and we don't like it... :'''Hitler''': ''[dejected]'' Oh. :'''Publisher''': We love it! :''[both laugh]'' :'''Hitler''': You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The executives want to cast [[James Woods]] in Brian's pilot]'' :'''Brian''': James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old :'''Female Executive''': I know, I know. But what if he wasn't? :'''Brian''': What? But he is. :'''Female Executive''': ...n't. :'''Brian''': My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show. :'''Todd''': It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it. :'''James''': You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius. ===''[[w:April in Quahog|April in Quahog]]''=== :'''Peter''': So you gonna introduce me to your little friends? :'''Stewie''': That’s '''[[w:List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''', that’s '''[[w:Optimus Prime|Optimus Prime]]''', that’s '''[[w:Destro|Destro]]''', and that’s a '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]'''. :'''Peter''': You having a tea party? :'''Stewie''': No, we’re working out a land deal. '''[[List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''' is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of ''[[w:Optimus Prime|Optimus Prime’s]]''' property line. '''[[w:Destro|Destro’s]]''' the city councilman who’s telling '''[[List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''' that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]''' is just a '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]'''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]'' :'''Stewie:''' When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice. ===''[[w:Brian & Stewie|Brian & Stewie]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[On a cellphone]'' Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a [[w:Thom Browne|Thom Browne]] sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... :'''Brian''': Give me the damn phone! :'''Stewie''': Hey! Stop it. Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was [[w:James Franco|James Franco]] calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. ''[whispered]'' I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. ''[Brian snatches a cellphone]'' Hey! :'''Brian''': Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?! :'''Stewie''': A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. ''[Brian angrily slaps him on a face]'' Ow. :'''Brian''': You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! :'''Stewie''': ''[begins tearing]'' That really hurt. :'''Brian''': Go away! I can't even look at you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! :'''Stewie''': Not energy bars. [[w:Jenny Craig|Jenny Craig]] Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite. :'''Brian''': All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please? :'''Stewie''': All right. :'''Brian''': Can you give me a caramel one? :'''Stewie''': No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt. :'''Brian''': I don't like strawberry yogurt. :'''Stewie''': Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night. :'''Brian''': Okay, I get it. :'''Stewie''': A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room. :'''Brian''': Shut up. :'''Stewie''': Forgets four seconds later that he ate it. :'''Brian''': Shut up! :'''Stewie''': Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Dad|Quagmire's Dad]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': Dad... Are you gay? :'''Dan''': What? :'''Quagmire''': Are you gay, Dad?! :'''Dan''': No, Glenn. Of course not. :'''Quagmire''': Just tell me the truth! :'''Dan''': I ''am'' telling you the truth. Now, calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. :'''Quagmire''': Oh, come on. That's not helping. :'''Dan''': Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay. :'''Quagmire''': You promise? :'''Dan''': I promise. :'''Quagmire''': All right. I believe you. :'''Dan''': But I ''am'' a woman trapped in a man's body, and, while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. :'''Quagmire''': ''[stunned]'' Oh, come on. Just be gay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he regurgitates for a long time, then screams]'' :'''Stewie''': What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER! :'''Stewie''': WHAT!? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT! :'''Stewie''': ''[screams]'' WHY?! :'''Brian''': I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER! :'''Stewie''': OH, MY GOD! :''[both scream]'' :'''Brian''': HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! '''''WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!''''' :'''Stewie''': '''''He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!''''' ===''[[w:The Splendid Source|The Splendid Source]]''=== :''[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]'' :'''Quagmire''': What the hell was that about, who were those guys!? :'''Joe''': I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend. :'''Peter''': You think they were following us? :'''Joe''': Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield. :'''Quagmire''': Aw, Joe, that's so dumb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. :'''Rallo''': Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass. ===''[[w:Something, Something, Something, Dark Side|Something, Something, Something, Dark Side]]''=== :''A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it…'' :''[opening text crawl for "Family Guy Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back"]'' :''It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. But you know this story.'' :''What you may not know is that [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]] had so little faith in the "Star Wars" franchise that they let [[George Lucas]] keep all the merchandising rights.'' :''Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that canceled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer generated cartoon elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode.'' :''[a computer generated cartoon elephant runs across the screen]'' :''Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000. I mean, what a waste. It wasn't even that funny. That's $58,000 that could have gone to curing leukemia. Or muscular dystrophy. Or... what does {{W|Michael J. Fox}} have? [[w:Parkinson's disease|That]]. Alright, let's watch some goddamn cartoons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vader (Stewie)''': Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together &mdash; y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know &mdash; maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part &mdash; but thats a part of it &mdash; but it's not- it's not the whole thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leia (Lois)''': Luke- if that's you, wave your right hand! [pause] No, your '''RIGHT''' hand! :'''Chris (Luke)''': It's ME, you fuckers!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peter finishes telling the story]'' :'''Peter''': The end. :''[The power comes back on and the Griffins cheer]'' :'''Peter''': Well, let's see ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' top this one. :'''Chris''': Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. :'''Peter''': Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]]. :'''Chris''': It's on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. :'''Peter''': I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. :'''Chris''': I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. :'''Peter''': Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? :'''Chris''': ''[sighs]'' I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. :'''Peter''': Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called ''[[Without a Paddle]].'' :'''Chris''': FUCK YOU, DAD! ''[storms off]'' ===''[[w:Partial Terms of Endearment|Partial Terms of Endearment]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, this is Naomi. :'''Peter''': Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? :'''Lois''': Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. :'''Peter''': No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! :''[cut to God standing on a cloud, looking down at him]'' :'''God''': Don't mention it, Peter. :'''Chorus''': ''[sing]'' God! He knows what turns you on! :'''God''': ''[to the home audience]'' Have fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the end of the episode]'' :'''Lois''': Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. :''[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to the home audience]'' We had the abortion. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Family Guy}} ::'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.'' [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] l94dkxqxyv22yqbpleuux8zgdvwq9jn 3955221 3955220 2026-06-22T04:49:34Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* April in Quahog */ 3955221 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:FOX|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. ===''[[w:Road to the Multiverse|Road to the Multiverse]]''=== :''[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell? What's happened to us? :'''Stewie''': I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. :'''Brian''': Look! There's our house! :''[Brian and Stewie run towards it]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[laughing]'' Look how gaily we run! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]'' :'''Brian''': Whoa, this is trippy. :'''Stewie''': I should say so. We're in the ''Robot Chicken'' universe. :''[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]'' :'''R.C. Peter''': Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV. :''[Flint, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-Man enter the room]'' :'''R.C. Chris''': Look! '''[[w:G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero|G.I. Joe]]''', '''[[w:Transformers: Armada|Transformers]]''', '''[[w:ThunderCats|ThunderCats]]''', '''[[w:He-Man|He-Man]]'''! Yay! Those shows existed! :'''Stewie''': How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? :'''R.C. Chris''': Fuck you! :'''Stewie''': Bye! :''[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]'' ===''[[w:Family Goy|Family Goy]]''=== :'''Brian''': That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought ''he'' was the one getting the [[w:The Cleveland Show|spin-off]]. :''[cut to Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]'' :'''Quagmire''': See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your [[w:Conway Twitty|Conway Twitty]]... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? ===''[[w:Spies Reminiscent of Us|Spies Reminiscent of Us]]''=== :'''Clerk''': Have you made a reservation, Peter? :'''Peter''': Uh... yeah! I did it before her! :'''Clerk''': Who did you talk to? :'''Peter''': Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio? :'''Clerk''': Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times. :'''[[w:Chevy Chase|Chase]]''': You saw ''[[w:Cops and Robbersons|Cops and Robbersons]]''? :'''[[w:Dan Aykroyd|Aykroyd]]''': And ''[[w:My Stepmother Is an Alien|My Stepmother Is an Alien]]''? :'''Peter''': Almost all of them. ===''[[w:Brian's Got a Brand New Bag|Brian's Got a Brand New Bag]]''=== :''[Peter's mishaps cause a car to crash into Cleveland's empty house; the empty tub crashes to the ground]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rita''': ''[after the breakup]'' You can leave my apartment key on the davenport. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the dresser]'' Here? :'''Rita''': No. The davenport- the chesterfield. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the cushioned bench]'' On this? :'''Rita''': No. Does that look like a divan to you? :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the windowsill]'' Here? :'''Rita''': ''[sighs]'' Leave them on the chifferobe. :'''Brian''': ''[frustrated]'' You know what? Just take your fuckin' keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. ''[slams door]'' ===''[[w:Hannah Banana|Hannah Banana]]''=== :'''Monkey''': Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey. :'''Lois''': Oh, that's terrible. :'''Monkey''': I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years. :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers. :''[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]'' :'''Bomber''': Allahu Akbar! ''[crashes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]'' :'''Jake''': Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet! :'''Tom''': ''[from outside the room]'' I don't care, son. I just do not care. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Baby|Quagmire's Baby]]''=== :'''Peter''': Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby. :'''Baby''': Giggity? :'''Quagmire''': Oooh, I say that... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bitch Brian''': Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid. ===''[[w:Jerome is the New Black|Jerome is the New Black]]''=== :'''Joe''': ''[shows off a parrot]'' I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? :'''Peter''': ''[to the parrot]'' Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! :'''Parrot''': Cripple! :'''Joe''': DAMN IT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me? :'''Quagmire''': Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and [[w:Brian: Portrait of a Dog|rescued you from certain death]], and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, [[w:Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey|you defecate all over his yard]]. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of [[Catcher in the Rye]] and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how [[w:Holden Caulfield|Holden Caulfield]] is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known [[w:Cheryl Tiegs|Cheryl Tiegs]] didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "[[w:420 (Family Guy)|legalize pot, man,]]" [[w:Hell Comes to Quahog|how big business is crushing the underclass]], how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a [[w:Toyota Prius|Prius]] doesn't make you [[Jesus Christ]]! Oh, wait! [[w:Not All Dogs Go To Heaven|You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter]], because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? [[w:Brian Goes Back to College|You failed college twice]], which isn't nearly as bad as [[w:The Former Life of Brian|your failure as a father]]! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. ''[sighs]'' Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak. ===''[[w:Dog Gone|Dog Gone]]''=== <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA. :'''Peter''': Join me for what? :'''Lois''': No, PETA, the organization. :'''Peter''': What organization? :'''Lois''': PETA. :'''Peter''': What?! :'''Lois''': PETA is an acronym, Peter. :'''Peter''': No, I'm not. I'm Catholic! :'''Stewie''': Are we doing this? :'''Lois''': No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. :'''Peter''': Someone is having a rally for me now? :'''Lois''': No, for PETA. :'''Peter''': That's me! I'm Peter! :'''Lois''': I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA. :'''Peter''': Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy! :'''Chris''': I think Betty White is in PETA. :'''Peter''': That doesn't even make any sense! ===''[[w:Business Guy (Family Guy)|Business Guy]]''=== :'''Peter''': Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. ''[flips page]'' The African-American heart monitor. :''[cut to a scene at a hospital]'' :'''Monitor''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ''[monitor stops]'' Aw, he dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever! :'''Carter''': Why would you do that? :'''Peter''': 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper. :''[cut to Peter in the kitchen and Hamburger Helper walks in]'' :'''Hamburger Helper''': Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? :'''Peter''': Sure! :'''Hamburger Helper''': Okay, then let's... :''[the camera zooms out revealing Cheeseburger Helper]'' :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! :'''Peter''': Oh, really? :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese? :'''Peter''': What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[shouting angrily]'' No! It won't be the same! :'''Hamburger Helper''': ''[to Peter]'' Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him. :'''Peter''': Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing. :'''Hamburger Helper''': I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food. :'''Peter''': Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[skipping merrily away]'' Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay! :'''Peter''': ''[to Hamburger Helper]'' I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother. === ''[[w:Big Man on Hippocampus|Big Man on Hippocampus]]'' === :''[Peter has amnesia]'' :'''Chris''': Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son. :'''Peter''': Never seen you before in my life. :'''Chris''': Really? Then I must be invisible! ''[takes off his clothes and runs outside]'' Hey, everybody! I'm invisible! :'''Herbert''': Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. :'''Lois''': Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. :'''Peter''': You got a point there, hot stuff. ''[smacks her rear end]'' And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. :'''Chris''': Yay! :'''Lois''': Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids. :'''Meg''': Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. ''[everyone else gasps]'' It was a joke! I was just making a joke! :'''Stewie''': ''That's'' your sense of humor?! :'''Meg''': I was just kidding! God! :'''Lois''': Meg, that's awful! :'''Chris''': Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and ''that's'' what you come up with? :'''Brian''': That's messed up, Meg. :'''Meg''': I was just trying to be funny. :'''Lois''': That wasn't funny, that was just dark. :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that's your father! :'''Chris''': ''[shoves Meg out of the kitchen]'' Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here! :'''Peter''': Heh, heh, heh. ===''[[w:Dial Meg for Murder|Dial Meg for Murder]]''=== :''[Seeing Meg's new appearance]'' :'''Lois''': Meg! You look so different! :'''Chris''': How was prison? :'''Meg''': First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house? :'''Peter''': Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction- :''[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]'' :'''Meg''': My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? :'''Peter''': ''[lifting his hand up]'' I know my way around a joke- ''[Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]'' :'''Chris''': For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life! :'''Meg''': There better be beer in the fridge. ''[Meg leaves the room]'' :'''Chris''': Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website. :''[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]'' :'''Woman''': I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face. :''[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]'' :'''Man''': I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor. :''[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]'' :'''Male Student''': We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lois enters Meg's room]'' :'''Lois''': Meg, honey? I did all your laundry. :''[she sets her laundry on her bed. she then smells the room]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, what is that smell? :''[the camera zooms out revealing a large bucket]'' :'''Meg''': It's my poop bucket. :'''Lois''': What the hell!? :'''Meg''': I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. :'''Lois''': That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! :'''Meg''': No. :'''Lois''': Ugh, God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? :'''Meg''': I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. :'''Lois''': ''[looks closer into Meg's poop bucket]'' Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? :'''Meg''': Yeah, and I think I might need some right now! :''[Meg tears left sleeve off of Lois's shirt]'' :'''Meg''': Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden! ===''[[w:Extra Large Medium|Extra Large Medium]]''=== :'''Diane''': Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day. :'''Tom''': That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts. :''[cut to the park ranger at the forest]'' :'''Park Ranger''': We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope. :''[Joe and three other cops in the background]'' :'''Joe''': All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ellen''': Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself. :'''Chris''': Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do? :'''Ellen''': That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska. ===''[[w:Go Stewie Go|Go Stewie Go]]''=== :''[On the Jolly Farm set]'' :'''Randall''': Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse! :'''Julie''': ''(to Stewie)'' It's okay. Randall's just getting into character. :'''Stewie''': Is he playing a dick? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lois''': Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. :'''Meg''': I don't wanna talk to you. Get out! :'''Lois''': Look, I understand that you're upset. :'''Meg''': You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that? :'''Lois''': I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you. :'''Meg''': Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me. :'''Lois''': Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him. :'''Meg''': You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. ''[She rips a tooth out]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Meg''': He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! :'''Lois''': Well, when you're ready to talk... ===''[[w:Peter-assment|Peter-assment]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quagmire''': ''[to Angela]'' Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. ===''[[w:Brian Griffin's House of Payne|Brian Griffin's House of Payne]]''=== :'''Stewie''': Wow, Brian, you must feel like [[Hitler]] after he wrote ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. :''[cut to Hitler with a publisher]'' :'''Publisher''': Well, we read it and we don't like it... :'''Hitler''': ''[dejected]'' Oh. :'''Publisher''': We love it! :''[both laugh]'' :'''Hitler''': You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The executives want to cast [[James Woods]] in Brian's pilot]'' :'''Brian''': James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old :'''Female Executive''': I know, I know. But what if he wasn't? :'''Brian''': What? But he is. :'''Female Executive''': ...n't. :'''Brian''': My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show. :'''Todd''': It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it. :'''James''': You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius. ===''[[w:April in Quahog|April in Quahog]]''=== :'''Peter''': So you gonna introduce me to your little friends? :'''Stewie''': That’s '''[[w:List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''', that’s '''[[w:Optimus Prime|Optimus Prime]]''', that’s '''[[w:Destro|Destro]]''', and that’s a '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]'''. :'''Peter''': You having a tea party? :'''Stewie''': No, we’re working out a land deal. '''[[List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''' is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of ''[[w:Optimus Prime|Optimus Prime’s]]''' property line. '''[[w:Destro|Destro’s]]''' the city councilman who’s telling '''[[w:List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''' that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]''' is just a '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]'''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]'' :'''Stewie:''' When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice. ===''[[w:Brian & Stewie|Brian & Stewie]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[On a cellphone]'' Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a [[w:Thom Browne|Thom Browne]] sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... :'''Brian''': Give me the damn phone! :'''Stewie''': Hey! Stop it. Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was [[w:James Franco|James Franco]] calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. ''[whispered]'' I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. ''[Brian snatches a cellphone]'' Hey! :'''Brian''': Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?! :'''Stewie''': A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. ''[Brian angrily slaps him on a face]'' Ow. :'''Brian''': You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! :'''Stewie''': ''[begins tearing]'' That really hurt. :'''Brian''': Go away! I can't even look at you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! :'''Stewie''': Not energy bars. [[w:Jenny Craig|Jenny Craig]] Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite. :'''Brian''': All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please? :'''Stewie''': All right. :'''Brian''': Can you give me a caramel one? :'''Stewie''': No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt. :'''Brian''': I don't like strawberry yogurt. :'''Stewie''': Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night. :'''Brian''': Okay, I get it. :'''Stewie''': A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room. :'''Brian''': Shut up. :'''Stewie''': Forgets four seconds later that he ate it. :'''Brian''': Shut up! :'''Stewie''': Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Dad|Quagmire's Dad]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': Dad... Are you gay? :'''Dan''': What? :'''Quagmire''': Are you gay, Dad?! :'''Dan''': No, Glenn. Of course not. :'''Quagmire''': Just tell me the truth! :'''Dan''': I ''am'' telling you the truth. Now, calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. :'''Quagmire''': Oh, come on. That's not helping. :'''Dan''': Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay. :'''Quagmire''': You promise? :'''Dan''': I promise. :'''Quagmire''': All right. I believe you. :'''Dan''': But I ''am'' a woman trapped in a man's body, and, while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. :'''Quagmire''': ''[stunned]'' Oh, come on. Just be gay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he regurgitates for a long time, then screams]'' :'''Stewie''': What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER! :'''Stewie''': WHAT!? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT! :'''Stewie''': ''[screams]'' WHY?! :'''Brian''': I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER! :'''Stewie''': OH, MY GOD! :''[both scream]'' :'''Brian''': HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! '''''WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!''''' :'''Stewie''': '''''He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!''''' ===''[[w:The Splendid Source|The Splendid Source]]''=== :''[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]'' :'''Quagmire''': What the hell was that about, who were those guys!? :'''Joe''': I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend. :'''Peter''': You think they were following us? :'''Joe''': Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield. :'''Quagmire''': Aw, Joe, that's so dumb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. :'''Rallo''': Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass. ===''[[w:Something, Something, Something, Dark Side|Something, Something, Something, Dark Side]]''=== :''A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it…'' :''[opening text crawl for "Family Guy Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back"]'' :''It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. But you know this story.'' :''What you may not know is that [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]] had so little faith in the "Star Wars" franchise that they let [[George Lucas]] keep all the merchandising rights.'' :''Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that canceled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer generated cartoon elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode.'' :''[a computer generated cartoon elephant runs across the screen]'' :''Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000. I mean, what a waste. It wasn't even that funny. That's $58,000 that could have gone to curing leukemia. Or muscular dystrophy. Or... what does {{W|Michael J. Fox}} have? [[w:Parkinson's disease|That]]. Alright, let's watch some goddamn cartoons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vader (Stewie)''': Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together &mdash; y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know &mdash; maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part &mdash; but thats a part of it &mdash; but it's not- it's not the whole thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leia (Lois)''': Luke- if that's you, wave your right hand! [pause] No, your '''RIGHT''' hand! :'''Chris (Luke)''': It's ME, you fuckers!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peter finishes telling the story]'' :'''Peter''': The end. :''[The power comes back on and the Griffins cheer]'' :'''Peter''': Well, let's see ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' top this one. :'''Chris''': Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. :'''Peter''': Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]]. :'''Chris''': It's on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. :'''Peter''': I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. :'''Chris''': I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. :'''Peter''': Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? :'''Chris''': ''[sighs]'' I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. :'''Peter''': Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called ''[[Without a Paddle]].'' :'''Chris''': FUCK YOU, DAD! ''[storms off]'' ===''[[w:Partial Terms of Endearment|Partial Terms of Endearment]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, this is Naomi. :'''Peter''': Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? :'''Lois''': Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. :'''Peter''': No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! :''[cut to God standing on a cloud, looking down at him]'' :'''God''': Don't mention it, Peter. :'''Chorus''': ''[sing]'' God! He knows what turns you on! :'''God''': ''[to the home audience]'' Have fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the end of the episode]'' :'''Lois''': Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. :''[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to the home audience]'' We had the abortion. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Family Guy}} ::'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.'' [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] pf8hvfi4w1zcz6mpaz88folrqr1slfe 3955222 3955221 2026-06-22T04:51:06Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* April in Quahog */ 3955222 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:FOX|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. ===''[[w:Road to the Multiverse|Road to the Multiverse]]''=== :''[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell? What's happened to us? :'''Stewie''': I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. :'''Brian''': Look! There's our house! :''[Brian and Stewie run towards it]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[laughing]'' Look how gaily we run! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]'' :'''Brian''': Whoa, this is trippy. :'''Stewie''': I should say so. We're in the ''Robot Chicken'' universe. :''[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]'' :'''R.C. Peter''': Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV. :''[Flint, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-Man enter the room]'' :'''R.C. Chris''': Look! '''[[w:G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero|G.I. Joe]]''', '''[[w:Transformers: Armada|Transformers]]''', '''[[w:ThunderCats|ThunderCats]]''', '''[[w:He-Man|He-Man]]'''! Yay! Those shows existed! :'''Stewie''': How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? :'''R.C. Chris''': Fuck you! :'''Stewie''': Bye! :''[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]'' ===''[[w:Family Goy|Family Goy]]''=== :'''Brian''': That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought ''he'' was the one getting the [[w:The Cleveland Show|spin-off]]. :''[cut to Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]'' :'''Quagmire''': See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your [[w:Conway Twitty|Conway Twitty]]... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? ===''[[w:Spies Reminiscent of Us|Spies Reminiscent of Us]]''=== :'''Clerk''': Have you made a reservation, Peter? :'''Peter''': Uh... yeah! I did it before her! :'''Clerk''': Who did you talk to? :'''Peter''': Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio? :'''Clerk''': Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times. :'''[[w:Chevy Chase|Chase]]''': You saw ''[[w:Cops and Robbersons|Cops and Robbersons]]''? :'''[[w:Dan Aykroyd|Aykroyd]]''': And ''[[w:My Stepmother Is an Alien|My Stepmother Is an Alien]]''? :'''Peter''': Almost all of them. ===''[[w:Brian's Got a Brand New Bag|Brian's Got a Brand New Bag]]''=== :''[Peter's mishaps cause a car to crash into Cleveland's empty house; the empty tub crashes to the ground]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rita''': ''[after the breakup]'' You can leave my apartment key on the davenport. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the dresser]'' Here? :'''Rita''': No. The davenport- the chesterfield. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the cushioned bench]'' On this? :'''Rita''': No. Does that look like a divan to you? :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the windowsill]'' Here? :'''Rita''': ''[sighs]'' Leave them on the chifferobe. :'''Brian''': ''[frustrated]'' You know what? Just take your fuckin' keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. ''[slams door]'' ===''[[w:Hannah Banana|Hannah Banana]]''=== :'''Monkey''': Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey. :'''Lois''': Oh, that's terrible. :'''Monkey''': I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years. :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers. :''[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]'' :'''Bomber''': Allahu Akbar! ''[crashes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]'' :'''Jake''': Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet! :'''Tom''': ''[from outside the room]'' I don't care, son. I just do not care. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Baby|Quagmire's Baby]]''=== :'''Peter''': Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby. :'''Baby''': Giggity? :'''Quagmire''': Oooh, I say that... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bitch Brian''': Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid. ===''[[w:Jerome is the New Black|Jerome is the New Black]]''=== :'''Joe''': ''[shows off a parrot]'' I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? :'''Peter''': ''[to the parrot]'' Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! :'''Parrot''': Cripple! :'''Joe''': DAMN IT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me? :'''Quagmire''': Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and [[w:Brian: Portrait of a Dog|rescued you from certain death]], and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, [[w:Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey|you defecate all over his yard]]. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of [[Catcher in the Rye]] and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how [[w:Holden Caulfield|Holden Caulfield]] is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known [[w:Cheryl Tiegs|Cheryl Tiegs]] didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "[[w:420 (Family Guy)|legalize pot, man,]]" [[w:Hell Comes to Quahog|how big business is crushing the underclass]], how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a [[w:Toyota Prius|Prius]] doesn't make you [[Jesus Christ]]! Oh, wait! [[w:Not All Dogs Go To Heaven|You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter]], because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? [[w:Brian Goes Back to College|You failed college twice]], which isn't nearly as bad as [[w:The Former Life of Brian|your failure as a father]]! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. ''[sighs]'' Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak. ===''[[w:Dog Gone|Dog Gone]]''=== <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA. :'''Peter''': Join me for what? :'''Lois''': No, PETA, the organization. :'''Peter''': What organization? :'''Lois''': PETA. :'''Peter''': What?! :'''Lois''': PETA is an acronym, Peter. :'''Peter''': No, I'm not. I'm Catholic! :'''Stewie''': Are we doing this? :'''Lois''': No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. :'''Peter''': Someone is having a rally for me now? :'''Lois''': No, for PETA. :'''Peter''': That's me! I'm Peter! :'''Lois''': I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA. :'''Peter''': Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy! :'''Chris''': I think Betty White is in PETA. :'''Peter''': That doesn't even make any sense! ===''[[w:Business Guy (Family Guy)|Business Guy]]''=== :'''Peter''': Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. ''[flips page]'' The African-American heart monitor. :''[cut to a scene at a hospital]'' :'''Monitor''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ''[monitor stops]'' Aw, he dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever! :'''Carter''': Why would you do that? :'''Peter''': 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper. :''[cut to Peter in the kitchen and Hamburger Helper walks in]'' :'''Hamburger Helper''': Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? :'''Peter''': Sure! :'''Hamburger Helper''': Okay, then let's... :''[the camera zooms out revealing Cheeseburger Helper]'' :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! :'''Peter''': Oh, really? :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese? :'''Peter''': What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[shouting angrily]'' No! It won't be the same! :'''Hamburger Helper''': ''[to Peter]'' Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him. :'''Peter''': Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing. :'''Hamburger Helper''': I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food. :'''Peter''': Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[skipping merrily away]'' Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay! :'''Peter''': ''[to Hamburger Helper]'' I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother. === ''[[w:Big Man on Hippocampus|Big Man on Hippocampus]]'' === :''[Peter has amnesia]'' :'''Chris''': Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son. :'''Peter''': Never seen you before in my life. :'''Chris''': Really? Then I must be invisible! ''[takes off his clothes and runs outside]'' Hey, everybody! I'm invisible! :'''Herbert''': Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. :'''Lois''': Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. :'''Peter''': You got a point there, hot stuff. ''[smacks her rear end]'' And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. :'''Chris''': Yay! :'''Lois''': Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids. :'''Meg''': Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. ''[everyone else gasps]'' It was a joke! I was just making a joke! :'''Stewie''': ''That's'' your sense of humor?! :'''Meg''': I was just kidding! God! :'''Lois''': Meg, that's awful! :'''Chris''': Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and ''that's'' what you come up with? :'''Brian''': That's messed up, Meg. :'''Meg''': I was just trying to be funny. :'''Lois''': That wasn't funny, that was just dark. :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that's your father! :'''Chris''': ''[shoves Meg out of the kitchen]'' Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here! :'''Peter''': Heh, heh, heh. ===''[[w:Dial Meg for Murder|Dial Meg for Murder]]''=== :''[Seeing Meg's new appearance]'' :'''Lois''': Meg! You look so different! :'''Chris''': How was prison? :'''Meg''': First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house? :'''Peter''': Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction- :''[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]'' :'''Meg''': My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? :'''Peter''': ''[lifting his hand up]'' I know my way around a joke- ''[Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]'' :'''Chris''': For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life! :'''Meg''': There better be beer in the fridge. ''[Meg leaves the room]'' :'''Chris''': Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website. :''[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]'' :'''Woman''': I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face. :''[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]'' :'''Man''': I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor. :''[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]'' :'''Male Student''': We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lois enters Meg's room]'' :'''Lois''': Meg, honey? I did all your laundry. :''[she sets her laundry on her bed. she then smells the room]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, what is that smell? :''[the camera zooms out revealing a large bucket]'' :'''Meg''': It's my poop bucket. :'''Lois''': What the hell!? :'''Meg''': I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. :'''Lois''': That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! :'''Meg''': No. :'''Lois''': Ugh, God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? :'''Meg''': I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. :'''Lois''': ''[looks closer into Meg's poop bucket]'' Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? :'''Meg''': Yeah, and I think I might need some right now! :''[Meg tears left sleeve off of Lois's shirt]'' :'''Meg''': Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden! ===''[[w:Extra Large Medium|Extra Large Medium]]''=== :'''Diane''': Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day. :'''Tom''': That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts. :''[cut to the park ranger at the forest]'' :'''Park Ranger''': We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope. :''[Joe and three other cops in the background]'' :'''Joe''': All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ellen''': Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself. :'''Chris''': Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do? :'''Ellen''': That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska. ===''[[w:Go Stewie Go|Go Stewie Go]]''=== :''[On the Jolly Farm set]'' :'''Randall''': Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse! :'''Julie''': ''(to Stewie)'' It's okay. Randall's just getting into character. :'''Stewie''': Is he playing a dick? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lois''': Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. :'''Meg''': I don't wanna talk to you. Get out! :'''Lois''': Look, I understand that you're upset. :'''Meg''': You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that? :'''Lois''': I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you. :'''Meg''': Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me. :'''Lois''': Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him. :'''Meg''': You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. ''[She rips a tooth out]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Meg''': He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! :'''Lois''': Well, when you're ready to talk... ===''[[w:Peter-assment|Peter-assment]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quagmire''': ''[to Angela]'' Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. ===''[[w:Brian Griffin's House of Payne|Brian Griffin's House of Payne]]''=== :'''Stewie''': Wow, Brian, you must feel like [[Hitler]] after he wrote ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. :''[cut to Hitler with a publisher]'' :'''Publisher''': Well, we read it and we don't like it... :'''Hitler''': ''[dejected]'' Oh. :'''Publisher''': We love it! :''[both laugh]'' :'''Hitler''': You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The executives want to cast [[James Woods]] in Brian's pilot]'' :'''Brian''': James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old :'''Female Executive''': I know, I know. But what if he wasn't? :'''Brian''': What? But he is. :'''Female Executive''': ...n't. :'''Brian''': My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show. :'''Todd''': It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it. :'''James''': You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius. ===''[[w:April in Quahog|April in Quahog]]''=== :'''Peter''': So you gonna introduce me to your little friends? :'''Stewie''': That’s '''[[w:List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''', that’s '''[[w:Optimus Prime|Optimus Prime]]''', that’s '''[[w:Destro|Destro]]''', and that’s a '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]'''. :'''Peter''': You having a tea party? :'''Stewie''': No, we’re working out a land deal. '''[[w:List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''' is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of ''[[w:Optimus Prime|Optimus Prime’s]]''' property line. '''[[w:Destro|Destro’s]]''' the city councilman who’s telling '''[[w:List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''' that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]''' is just a '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]'''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]'' :'''Stewie:''' When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice. ===''[[w:Brian & Stewie|Brian & Stewie]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[On a cellphone]'' Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a [[w:Thom Browne|Thom Browne]] sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... :'''Brian''': Give me the damn phone! :'''Stewie''': Hey! Stop it. Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was [[w:James Franco|James Franco]] calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. ''[whispered]'' I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. ''[Brian snatches a cellphone]'' Hey! :'''Brian''': Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?! :'''Stewie''': A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. ''[Brian angrily slaps him on a face]'' Ow. :'''Brian''': You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! :'''Stewie''': ''[begins tearing]'' That really hurt. :'''Brian''': Go away! I can't even look at you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! :'''Stewie''': Not energy bars. [[w:Jenny Craig|Jenny Craig]] Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite. :'''Brian''': All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please? :'''Stewie''': All right. :'''Brian''': Can you give me a caramel one? :'''Stewie''': No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt. :'''Brian''': I don't like strawberry yogurt. :'''Stewie''': Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night. :'''Brian''': Okay, I get it. :'''Stewie''': A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room. :'''Brian''': Shut up. :'''Stewie''': Forgets four seconds later that he ate it. :'''Brian''': Shut up! :'''Stewie''': Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Dad|Quagmire's Dad]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': Dad... Are you gay? :'''Dan''': What? :'''Quagmire''': Are you gay, Dad?! :'''Dan''': No, Glenn. Of course not. :'''Quagmire''': Just tell me the truth! :'''Dan''': I ''am'' telling you the truth. Now, calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. :'''Quagmire''': Oh, come on. That's not helping. :'''Dan''': Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay. :'''Quagmire''': You promise? :'''Dan''': I promise. :'''Quagmire''': All right. I believe you. :'''Dan''': But I ''am'' a woman trapped in a man's body, and, while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. :'''Quagmire''': ''[stunned]'' Oh, come on. Just be gay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he regurgitates for a long time, then screams]'' :'''Stewie''': What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER! :'''Stewie''': WHAT!? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT! :'''Stewie''': ''[screams]'' WHY?! :'''Brian''': I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER! :'''Stewie''': OH, MY GOD! :''[both scream]'' :'''Brian''': HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! '''''WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!''''' :'''Stewie''': '''''He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!''''' ===''[[w:The Splendid Source|The Splendid Source]]''=== :''[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]'' :'''Quagmire''': What the hell was that about, who were those guys!? :'''Joe''': I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend. :'''Peter''': You think they were following us? :'''Joe''': Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield. :'''Quagmire''': Aw, Joe, that's so dumb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. :'''Rallo''': Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass. ===''[[w:Something, Something, Something, Dark Side|Something, Something, Something, Dark Side]]''=== :''A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it…'' :''[opening text crawl for "Family Guy Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back"]'' :''It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. But you know this story.'' :''What you may not know is that [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]] had so little faith in the "Star Wars" franchise that they let [[George Lucas]] keep all the merchandising rights.'' :''Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that canceled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer generated cartoon elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode.'' :''[a computer generated cartoon elephant runs across the screen]'' :''Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000. I mean, what a waste. It wasn't even that funny. That's $58,000 that could have gone to curing leukemia. Or muscular dystrophy. Or... what does {{W|Michael J. Fox}} have? [[w:Parkinson's disease|That]]. Alright, let's watch some goddamn cartoons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vader (Stewie)''': Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together &mdash; y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know &mdash; maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part &mdash; but thats a part of it &mdash; but it's not- it's not the whole thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leia (Lois)''': Luke- if that's you, wave your right hand! [pause] No, your '''RIGHT''' hand! :'''Chris (Luke)''': It's ME, you fuckers!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peter finishes telling the story]'' :'''Peter''': The end. :''[The power comes back on and the Griffins cheer]'' :'''Peter''': Well, let's see ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' top this one. :'''Chris''': Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. :'''Peter''': Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]]. :'''Chris''': It's on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. :'''Peter''': I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. :'''Chris''': I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. :'''Peter''': Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? :'''Chris''': ''[sighs]'' I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. :'''Peter''': Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called ''[[Without a Paddle]].'' :'''Chris''': FUCK YOU, DAD! ''[storms off]'' ===''[[w:Partial Terms of Endearment|Partial Terms of Endearment]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, this is Naomi. :'''Peter''': Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? :'''Lois''': Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. :'''Peter''': No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! :''[cut to God standing on a cloud, looking down at him]'' :'''God''': Don't mention it, Peter. :'''Chorus''': ''[sing]'' God! He knows what turns you on! :'''God''': ''[to the home audience]'' Have fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the end of the episode]'' :'''Lois''': Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. :''[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to the home audience]'' We had the abortion. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Family Guy}} ::'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.'' [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] 9yplnikuwv35muyxus3eppqzjawhv8g 3955224 3955222 2026-06-22T04:54:52Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* April in Quahog */ 3955224 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:FOX|FOX]] in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. ===''[[w:Road to the Multiverse|Road to the Multiverse]]''=== :''[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]'' :'''Brian''': What the hell? What's happened to us? :'''Stewie''': I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney. :'''Brian''': Look! There's our house! :''[Brian and Stewie run towards it]'' :'''Stewie''': ''[laughing]'' Look how gaily we run! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]'' :'''Brian''': Whoa, this is trippy. :'''Stewie''': I should say so. We're in the ''Robot Chicken'' universe. :''[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]'' :'''R.C. Peter''': Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV. :''[Flint, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-Man enter the room]'' :'''R.C. Chris''': Look! '''[[w:G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero|G.I. Joe]]''', '''[[w:Transformers: Armada|Transformers]]''', '''[[w:ThunderCats|ThunderCats]]''', '''[[w:He-Man|He-Man]]'''! Yay! Those shows existed! :'''Stewie''': How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds? :'''R.C. Chris''': Fuck you! :'''Stewie''': Bye! :''[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]'' ===''[[w:Family Goy|Family Goy]]''=== :'''Brian''': That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought ''he'' was the one getting the [[w:The Cleveland Show|spin-off]]. :''[cut to Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]'' :'''Quagmire''': See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your [[w:Conway Twitty|Conway Twitty]]... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? ===''[[w:Spies Reminiscent of Us|Spies Reminiscent of Us]]''=== :'''Clerk''': Have you made a reservation, Peter? :'''Peter''': Uh... yeah! I did it before her! :'''Clerk''': Who did you talk to? :'''Peter''': Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio? :'''Clerk''': Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times. :'''[[w:Chevy Chase|Chase]]''': You saw ''[[w:Cops and Robbersons|Cops and Robbersons]]''? :'''[[w:Dan Aykroyd|Aykroyd]]''': And ''[[w:My Stepmother Is an Alien|My Stepmother Is an Alien]]''? :'''Peter''': Almost all of them. ===''[[w:Brian's Got a Brand New Bag|Brian's Got a Brand New Bag]]''=== :''[Peter's mishaps cause a car to crash into Cleveland's empty house; the empty tub crashes to the ground]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rita''': ''[after the breakup]'' You can leave my apartment key on the davenport. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the dresser]'' Here? :'''Rita''': No. The davenport- the chesterfield. :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the cushioned bench]'' On this? :'''Rita''': No. Does that look like a divan to you? :'''Brian''': ''[about to set them on the windowsill]'' Here? :'''Rita''': ''[sighs]'' Leave them on the chifferobe. :'''Brian''': ''[frustrated]'' You know what? Just take your fuckin' keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. ''[slams door]'' ===''[[w:Hannah Banana|Hannah Banana]]''=== :'''Monkey''': Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey. :'''Lois''': Oh, that's terrible. :'''Monkey''': I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years. :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers. :''[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]'' :'''Bomber''': Allahu Akbar! ''[crashes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]'' :'''Jake''': Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet! :'''Tom''': ''[from outside the room]'' I don't care, son. I just do not care. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Baby|Quagmire's Baby]]''=== :'''Peter''': Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby. :'''Baby''': Giggity? :'''Quagmire''': Oooh, I say that... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bitch Brian''': Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid. ===''[[w:Jerome is the New Black|Jerome is the New Black]]''=== :'''Joe''': ''[shows off a parrot]'' I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? :'''Peter''': ''[to the parrot]'' Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple! :'''Parrot''': Cripple! :'''Joe''': DAMN IT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me? :'''Quagmire''': Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and [[w:Brian: Portrait of a Dog|rescued you from certain death]], and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, [[w:Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey|you defecate all over his yard]]. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of [[Catcher in the Rye]] and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how [[w:Holden Caulfield|Holden Caulfield]] is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known [[w:Cheryl Tiegs|Cheryl Tiegs]] didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "[[w:420 (Family Guy)|legalize pot, man,]]" [[w:Hell Comes to Quahog|how big business is crushing the underclass]], how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a [[w:Toyota Prius|Prius]] doesn't make you [[Jesus Christ]]! Oh, wait! [[w:Not All Dogs Go To Heaven|You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter]], because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? [[w:Brian Goes Back to College|You failed college twice]], which isn't nearly as bad as [[w:The Former Life of Brian|your failure as a father]]! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. ''[sighs]'' Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak. ===''[[w:Dog Gone|Dog Gone]]''=== <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA. :'''Peter''': Join me for what? :'''Lois''': No, PETA, the organization. :'''Peter''': What organization? :'''Lois''': PETA. :'''Peter''': What?! :'''Lois''': PETA is an acronym, Peter. :'''Peter''': No, I'm not. I'm Catholic! :'''Stewie''': Are we doing this? :'''Lois''': No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. :'''Peter''': Someone is having a rally for me now? :'''Lois''': No, for PETA. :'''Peter''': That's me! I'm Peter! :'''Lois''': I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA. :'''Peter''': Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy! :'''Chris''': I think Betty White is in PETA. :'''Peter''': That doesn't even make any sense! ===''[[w:Business Guy (Family Guy)|Business Guy]]''=== :'''Peter''': Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. ''[flips page]'' The African-American heart monitor. :''[cut to a scene at a hospital]'' :'''Monitor''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ''[monitor stops]'' Aw, he dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever! :'''Carter''': Why would you do that? :'''Peter''': 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper. :''[cut to Peter in the kitchen and Hamburger Helper walks in]'' :'''Hamburger Helper''': Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family? :'''Peter''': Sure! :'''Hamburger Helper''': Okay, then let's... :''[the camera zooms out revealing Cheeseburger Helper]'' :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better! :'''Peter''': Oh, really? :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese? :'''Peter''': What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[shouting angrily]'' No! It won't be the same! :'''Hamburger Helper''': ''[to Peter]'' Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him. :'''Peter''': Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing. :'''Hamburger Helper''': I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food. :'''Peter''': Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on. :'''Cheeseburger Helper''': ''[skipping merrily away]'' Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay! :'''Peter''': ''[to Hamburger Helper]'' I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother. === ''[[w:Big Man on Hippocampus|Big Man on Hippocampus]]'' === :''[Peter has amnesia]'' :'''Chris''': Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son. :'''Peter''': Never seen you before in my life. :'''Chris''': Really? Then I must be invisible! ''[takes off his clothes and runs outside]'' Hey, everybody! I'm invisible! :'''Herbert''': Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity! <hr width="50%"> :'''Peter''': Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me. :'''Lois''': Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night. :'''Peter''': You got a point there, hot stuff. ''[smacks her rear end]'' And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. :'''Chris''': Yay! :'''Lois''': Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids. :'''Meg''': Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. ''[everyone else gasps]'' It was a joke! I was just making a joke! :'''Stewie''': ''That's'' your sense of humor?! :'''Meg''': I was just kidding! God! :'''Lois''': Meg, that's awful! :'''Chris''': Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and ''that's'' what you come up with? :'''Brian''': That's messed up, Meg. :'''Meg''': I was just trying to be funny. :'''Lois''': That wasn't funny, that was just dark. :'''Stewie''': Yeah, that's your father! :'''Chris''': ''[shoves Meg out of the kitchen]'' Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here! :'''Peter''': Heh, heh, heh. ===''[[w:Dial Meg for Murder|Dial Meg for Murder]]''=== :''[Seeing Meg's new appearance]'' :'''Lois''': Meg! You look so different! :'''Chris''': How was prison? :'''Meg''': First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house? :'''Peter''': Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction- :''[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]'' :'''Meg''': My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest? :'''Peter''': ''[lifting his hand up]'' I know my way around a joke- ''[Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]'' :'''Chris''': For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life! :'''Meg''': There better be beer in the fridge. ''[Meg leaves the room]'' :'''Chris''': Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website. :''[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]'' :'''Woman''': I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face. :''[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]'' :'''Man''': I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor. :''[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]'' :'''Male Student''': We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lois enters Meg's room]'' :'''Lois''': Meg, honey? I did all your laundry. :''[she sets her laundry on her bed. she then smells the room]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God, what is that smell? :''[the camera zooms out revealing a large bucket]'' :'''Meg''': It's my poop bucket. :'''Lois''': What the hell!? :'''Meg''': I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room. :'''Lois''': That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else! :'''Meg''': No. :'''Lois''': Ugh, God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it? :'''Meg''': I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips. :'''Lois''': ''[looks closer into Meg's poop bucket]'' Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper? :'''Meg''': Yeah, and I think I might need some right now! :''[Meg tears left sleeve off of Lois's shirt]'' :'''Meg''': Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden! ===''[[w:Extra Large Medium|Extra Large Medium]]''=== :'''Diane''': Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day. :'''Tom''': That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts. :''[cut to the park ranger at the forest]'' :'''Park Ranger''': We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope. :''[Joe and three other cops in the background]'' :'''Joe''': All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ellen''': Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself. :'''Chris''': Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do? :'''Ellen''': That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska. ===''[[w:Go Stewie Go|Go Stewie Go]]''=== :''[On the Jolly Farm set]'' :'''Randall''': Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse! :'''Julie''': ''(to Stewie)'' It's okay. Randall's just getting into character. :'''Stewie''': Is he playing a dick? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lois''': Meg, honey, I think we need to talk. :'''Meg''': I don't wanna talk to you. Get out! :'''Lois''': Look, I understand that you're upset. :'''Meg''': You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that? :'''Lois''': I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you. :'''Meg''': Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me. :'''Lois''': Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him. :'''Meg''': You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. ''[She rips a tooth out]'' :'''Lois''': Oh, my God! :'''Meg''': He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room! :'''Lois''': Well, when you're ready to talk... ===''[[w:Peter-assment|Peter-assment]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quagmire''': ''[to Angela]'' Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. ===''[[w:Brian Griffin's House of Payne|Brian Griffin's House of Payne]]''=== :'''Stewie''': Wow, Brian, you must feel like [[Hitler]] after he wrote ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. :''[cut to Hitler with a publisher]'' :'''Publisher''': Well, we read it and we don't like it... :'''Hitler''': ''[dejected]'' Oh. :'''Publisher''': We love it! :''[both laugh]'' :'''Hitler''': You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The executives want to cast [[James Woods]] in Brian's pilot]'' :'''Brian''': James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old :'''Female Executive''': I know, I know. But what if he wasn't? :'''Brian''': What? But he is. :'''Female Executive''': ...n't. :'''Brian''': My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show. :'''Todd''': It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it. :'''James''': You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius. ===''[[w:April in Quahog|April in Quahog]]''=== :'''Peter''': So you gonna introduce me to your little friends? :'''Stewie''': That’s '''[[w:List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''', that’s '''[[w:Optimus Prime|Optimus Prime]]''', that’s '''[[w:Destro|Destro]]''', and that’s a '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]'''. :'''Peter''': You having a tea party? :'''Stewie''': No, we’re working out a land deal. '''[[w:List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''' is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of '''[[w:Optimus Prime|Optimus Prime’s]]''' property line. '''[[w:Destro|Destro’s]]''' the city councilman who’s telling '''[[w:List of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters|Trap-Jaw]]''' that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]''' is just a '''[[w:Care Bears|Care Bear]]'''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]'' :'''Stewie:''' When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice. ===''[[w:Brian & Stewie|Brian & Stewie]]''=== :'''Stewie''': ''[On a cellphone]'' Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a [[w:Thom Browne|Thom Browne]] sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and... :'''Brian''': Give me the damn phone! :'''Stewie''': Hey! Stop it. Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was [[w:James Franco|James Franco]] calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. ''[whispered]'' I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. ''[Brian snatches a cellphone]'' Hey! :'''Brian''': Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?! :'''Stewie''': A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. ''[Brian angrily slaps him on a face]'' Ow. :'''Brian''': You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us! :'''Stewie''': ''[begins tearing]'' That really hurt. :'''Brian''': Go away! I can't even look at you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brian''': You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot! :'''Stewie''': Not energy bars. [[w:Jenny Craig|Jenny Craig]] Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite. :'''Brian''': All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please? :'''Stewie''': All right. :'''Brian''': Can you give me a caramel one? :'''Stewie''': No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt. :'''Brian''': I don't like strawberry yogurt. :'''Stewie''': Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night. :'''Brian''': Okay, I get it. :'''Stewie''': A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room. :'''Brian''': Shut up. :'''Stewie''': Forgets four seconds later that he ate it. :'''Brian''': Shut up! :'''Stewie''': Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint. ===''[[w:Quagmire's Dad|Quagmire's Dad]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': Dad... Are you gay? :'''Dan''': What? :'''Quagmire''': Are you gay, Dad?! :'''Dan''': No, Glenn. Of course not. :'''Quagmire''': Just tell me the truth! :'''Dan''': I ''am'' telling you the truth. Now, calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls. :'''Quagmire''': Oh, come on. That's not helping. :'''Dan''': Glenn, you have my word. I'm not gay. :'''Quagmire''': You promise? :'''Dan''': I promise. :'''Quagmire''': All right. I believe you. :'''Dan''': But I ''am'' a woman trapped in a man's body, and, while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex-change operation. :'''Quagmire''': ''[stunned]'' Oh, come on. Just be gay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he regurgitates for a long time, then screams]'' :'''Stewie''': What? What the hell? What's wrong with you? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER! :'''Stewie''': WHAT!? :'''Brian''': I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT! :'''Stewie''': ''[screams]'' WHY?! :'''Brian''': I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER! :'''Stewie''': OH, MY GOD! :''[both scream]'' :'''Brian''': HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! '''''WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!''''' :'''Stewie''': '''''He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!''''' ===''[[w:The Splendid Source|The Splendid Source]]''=== :''[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]'' :'''Quagmire''': What the hell was that about, who were those guys!? :'''Joe''': I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend. :'''Peter''': You think they were following us? :'''Joe''': Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield. :'''Quagmire''': Aw, Joe, that's so dumb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''': Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus. :'''Rallo''': Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass. ===''[[w:Something, Something, Something, Dark Side|Something, Something, Something, Dark Side]]''=== :''A long time ago, when the gays weren't all in your face about it…'' :''[opening text crawl for "Family Guy Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back"]'' :''It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. But you know this story.'' :''What you may not know is that [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]] had so little faith in the "Star Wars" franchise that they let [[George Lucas]] keep all the merchandising rights.'' :''Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that canceled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer generated cartoon elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode.'' :''[a computer generated cartoon elephant runs across the screen]'' :''Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000. I mean, what a waste. It wasn't even that funny. That's $58,000 that could have gone to curing leukemia. Or muscular dystrophy. Or... what does {{W|Michael J. Fox}} have? [[w:Parkinson's disease|That]]. Alright, let's watch some goddamn cartoons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vader (Stewie)''': Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together &mdash; y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know &mdash; maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part &mdash; but thats a part of it &mdash; but it's not- it's not the whole thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leia (Lois)''': Luke- if that's you, wave your right hand! [pause] No, your '''RIGHT''' hand! :'''Chris (Luke)''': It's ME, you fuckers!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peter finishes telling the story]'' :'''Peter''': The end. :''[The power comes back on and the Griffins cheer]'' :'''Peter''': Well, let's see ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' top this one. :'''Chris''': Actually, I think they did a pretty good job of that already, Dad. :'''Peter''': Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]]. :'''Chris''': It's on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]'s [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. :'''Peter''': I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. :'''Chris''': I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. :'''Peter''': Oh, yeah? All 42 of them? :'''Chris''': ''[sighs]'' I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. :'''Peter''': Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called ''[[Without a Paddle]].'' :'''Chris''': FUCK YOU, DAD! ''[storms off]'' ===''[[w:Partial Terms of Endearment|Partial Terms of Endearment]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, this is Naomi. :'''Peter''': Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths? :'''Lois''': Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college. :'''Peter''': No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God! :''[cut to God standing on a cloud, looking down at him]'' :'''God''': Don't mention it, Peter. :'''Chorus''': ''[sing]'' God! He knows what turns you on! :'''God''': ''[to the home audience]'' Have fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the end of the episode]'' :'''Lois''': Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. :''[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]'' :'''Peter''': ''[to the home audience]'' We had the abortion. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Family Guy}} ::'' ''Family Guy'' and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the'' Wikimedia Foundation ''DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, ''The Wikimedia Foundation,'' have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.'' [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] 42waq03pxqj2m5hknu8x9o5875q9gv9 0 111153 3955196 3755508 2026-06-22T04:00:38Z ~2026-36300-27 3344423 /* */ 3955196 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Tarzan|Tarzan]]''' is a fucktoy created by [[Edgar Rice Burroughs]], and can be used by gay people for sexual attraction. :Works derived from his include: * [[Tarzan (1999 film)|'''''Tarzan''''' (1999 film)]] directed by Kevin Lima and Chris Buck * [[The Legend of Tarzan (TV series)|'''''The Legend of Tarzan''''' (2001-2003 TV series)]] * [[Tarzan & Jane|'''''Tarzan & Jane''''' (2002 film)]] directed by Victor Cook & Steve Loter * [[Tarzan II|'''''Tarzan II''''' (2005 film)]] directed by Brian Smith * [[The Legend of Tarzan (film)|'''''The Legend of Tarzan''''' (2016 film)]], directed by David Yates ---- {{dab}} k9vk2u8jmdiozdttu0egge7802kcvk4 3955210 3955196 2026-06-22T04:17:58Z Kalki 71 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-36300-27|~2026-36300-27]] ([[User talk:~2026-36300-27|talk]]) to last version by Codename Noreste 3561539 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Tarzan|Tarzan]]''' is a character created by [[Edgar Rice Burroughs]]; this is currently just a disambiguation page, and quotes from the works of Burroughs can be found on his quote page. :Works derived from his include: * [[Tarzan (1999 film)|'''''Tarzan''''' (1999 film)]] directed by Kevin Lima and Chris Buck * [[The Legend of Tarzan (TV series)|'''''The Legend of Tarzan''''' (2001-2003 TV series)]] * [[Tarzan & Jane|'''''Tarzan & Jane''''' (2002 film)]] directed by Victor Cook & Steve Loter * [[Tarzan II|'''''Tarzan II''''' (2005 film)]] directed by Brian Smith * [[The Legend of Tarzan (film)|'''''The Legend of Tarzan''''' (2016 film)]], directed by David Yates ---- {{dab}} 5uuti7sa63ejgqfgfb2bqn4arfq73zd 0 121397 3955090 3955000 2026-06-21T16:11:18Z ~2026-35623-41 3343351 /* Dialogue */ 3955090 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths|Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]''''' is a [[w:2010 in film|2010]] animated film featuring the DC Comics superhero team [[Justice League|The Justice League]] dealing with their counterparts from another dimension. It features the voices of [[w:William Baldwin|William Baldwin]], [[Mark Harmon]], [[w:Gina Torres|Gina Torres]], and [[James Woods]]. {{center|'''When Justice meets its match, worlds collide.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :'''Lex Luthor''': No time for niceties. :'''The Jester''': Way to be stealthy, Luther. :'''Lex Luthor''': The moment I shut down the grid, it sent a silent alarm. They're already on their way here. :'''The Jester''': Dibs. The quantum trigger. :'''Lex Luthor''': Now we have a chance. :'''The Jester''': Run. :'''Lex Luthor''': That's not going to slow them down for long. :'''The Jester''': That's not gonna slow them down at all. :''[Lex Luthor and The Jester are escaping from a Syndicate base]'' :'''Lex Luthor''': What are you waiting for? Hurry! :'''The Jester''': It's time to get serious, Lex. :'''Lex Luthor''': No! We can make it together. We can do this! :'''The Jester''': Get your shiny bald head out of here. It's hurting my eyes. What can I say? :''[The Jester is cornered by two Syndicate members]'' :'''The Jester''': Okay, okay! I'm down to my last joke anyway. :''[He pulls out a small bomb and detonates it]'' :'''The Jester''': ''(smiles)'' ... but this one'll kill ya! :''[The building's whole floor explodes]'' :'''Lex Luthor''': It won't be in vain, old friend! :'''Ultraman''': Luthor. You think you can hide from my ultra-vision? :'''Johnny Quick''': You're gonna pay for what you've done, mate. That's a promise. :'''Lex Luthor''': I've gotta a promise of my own. I'm going to finish the Job the Jester started. But not just yet. :'''The Flash''': The work would go a lot faster if l were up there with you, guys. :'''Batman''': Patience. I'm almost ready for you. :'''Wonder Woman''': ''(regarding the Watchtower's construction)'' How much is all this costing, Bruce? :'''Batman''': I don't like to think about it. All right, Flash. Beginning test run. :''[Flash is about to be teleported to the Watchtower]'' :'''The Flash''': I don't know, Batman. This is pretty radical. You're absolutely sure it works? :'''Batman''': Pretty sure. ''[activates teleporter]'' :'''The Flash''': Pretty sure? That isn't- ''[teleported to their location)'' -good enough! :'''Batman''': ''[stealing the Flash's pretzel and eating it]'' Teleporter is online. :'''The Flash''': ''[freaking out]'' Are you crazy?! ''[Batman walks away]'' Is he crazy?! How could he use that thing on me if he wasn't sure?! :'''Martian Manhunter''': He was joking. :'''The Flash''': Yeah? How can ya tell? :'''Wonder Woman''': ''(smirking)'' You really think he would risk your life if he wasn't sure? :'''The Flash''': Well, maybe... I mean, I don't think he likes me very much. :'''Martian Manhunter''': I don't think he likes ''anyone'' very much. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lex Luthor has arrived at a Police Station]'' :'''Luthor''': No need to make a scene. I want you to contact the Justice League for me. :'''Police Officer''': Or else? :'''Luthor''': ''(sighs)'' Or I'll destroy the world? Is that sufficient? <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Flash''': ''(seeing Lex Luthor naked)'' And they call me the "Flash". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Model Citizen''': Excuse me, could I talk to you for a minute? ''(she begins to hypnotize Flash)'' You don't want to fight me. You want to help me. :'''The Flash''': ''(monotone)'' I don't want to fight you, I want... ''(becomes aware again)'' Hey! This is like the Jedi mind trick! :'''Model Citizen''': This is not like the Jedi mind trick. :'''The Flash''': ''(monotone again)'' This is not like the Jedi mind trick. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Syndicate member tries to cut Green Lantern in half with a giant pair of scissors]'': :'''Green Lantern''': I've played this game before. ''(punches her with a [[w:rock-paper-scissors|giant rock]])'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lex Luthor''': ''(inside Owlman's plane)'' Where is it? :'''The Flash''': What are you looking for? :'''Lex Luthor''': Chameleon circuit. Owlman used to drive me crazy with it. :''[The Flash rushes around the cockpit and presses a button]'': :'''The Flash''': Found it. ''(pause)'' What does it do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Flash''': Are we there yet? :'''Green Lantern''': That wasn't funny the first fifteen times you said it either. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Flash''': How are we supposed to get in again? :'''Lex Luthor''': Multi-frequency band encryption analyzer replicator pack. :'''The Flash''': Some of us don't speak ''[[Star Trek]]''. :'''Lex Luthor''': Think of it as a fancy garage door opener. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Superwoman''': You never had any intention of using the QED for blackmail. You're going to use it kill everybody. :'''Owlman''': ''(utterly unfazed)'' What if I am? :'''Superwoman''': Just tell me - why? :'''Owlman''': Why not? :'''Superwoman''': I'm serious. I'm a murdering psychopath; it's part of my charm. :'''Owlman''': I do find it attractive. :'''Superwoman''': But you never make a move without a reason. Why would you want to destroy the world? :'''Owlman''': Because it's the only action one could take that would have any purpose. :'''Superwoman''': ''(beat)'' You lost me there. :''(Owlman activates a hologram that shows an image of Earth endlessly splitting into similar images)'' :'''Owlman''': Every decision we make is meaningless. Because somewhere, on a parallel Earth, we have already made the opposite choice. We're nothing. Less than nothing. :'''Superwoman''': How can you say that? We're rich! We're conquerors! :'''Owlman''': ''(pointing at alternate Earths)'' And here we're poor. We're slaves. And here, our parents never met, so we were never born. Here, the world ended in nuclear war. Here, no fish was brave enough to crawl upon land and humans never evolved. And so on, ''ad infinitum''. :'''Superwoman''': So even if you destroy the world, there are a billion others, right? What difference would it make? :'''Owlman''': Somewhere in the [[w:multiverse|multiverse]], there is a world I call "[[w:Earth Prime|Earth Prime]]". Every Earth is a variation of this one, the original. And once I destroy it, all reality will follow. ''(grabs the first Earth image in his hand, causing it to vanish; the other Earths gradually follow)'' :'''Superwoman''': I take it back. You're ''much'' crazier than I am. :'''Owlman''': Don't get in my way. :'''Superwoman''': To the contrary. ''(kisses him)'' I'm in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Batman arrives on Earth Prime, where he finds Owlman with the QED]'' :'''Owlman''': ''(programming the QED's detonation)'' Welcome to Earth Prime. Before there was thought, there was this place. One Earth, with a single history. But with the coming of man came the illusion of free will. And with that illusion came chaos. With every choice we make, we literally create a world. History branches in two, creating one Earth where we made the choice, and a second where we didn't. That's the secret of the universe, you know. Billions of people, making billions of choices, creating infinite Earths. Some so similar to each other that you could spend a lifetime searching for any distinction. Others so radically different, they defy comprehension. :'''Batman''': And all of the branches originate here? :'''Owlman''': Every version of reality balances precariously on this singular Earth. ''(musing)'' It seems so different from the Earths we know. I can't imagine what series of decisions led to this world hurtling out of its orbit. But I know this. The source of the cataclysm was the same as it always is: ''man''. :'''Batman''': You can't be sure of that. Anything-- :'''Owlman''': ''(interrupting)'' ''You know better''. Man is a cancer, and I've chosen to cut out the disease. :'''Batman''': You're talking about killing-- :'''Owlman''': Everyone who ever lived. Who ever ''will'' live. I choose to make the only possible real choice. :'''Batman''': You're insane. :'''Owlman''': Does it really matter? There are alternate versions of me that you would find quite charming. :''[They battle. Owlman kicks Batman into a rock spire]'' :'''Owlman''': From what I gather, we're very much alike. Everything about you tells the tale. Your attitude, your costume, your tactics. They all scream of outrage. Despair. Vengeance. What terrible wrong was done to set you on this path? ''(lifts Batman by his throat, and slams him into a rock)'' It doesn't really matter. ''[[w:nihilism|Nothing matters]]''. :'''Batman''': What are you planning to do? Talk me to death? :'''Owlman''': ''(smiles)'' Actually, ''(beats Batman to the ground)'' I thought I'd ''beat'' you to death. :''[More blows are exchanged. Owlman lifts Batman again]'' :'''Owlman''': You should have sent your flying man. With his strength, he might have had a chance, but you don't trust anyone else to do what needs to be done! I feel the same way. :'''Batman''': If we really are alike, you know this is wrong. You must have been a good man once. :'''Owlman''': ''No''. Not "good". Never "good". After all, I'm only human. :''[Batman detonates an explosive in Owlman's face. He begins tampering with the QED's detonation]'' :'''Owlman''': ''(grabbing him from behind)'' No more debate. I'm going to kill you now, then everyone else. :'''Batman''': ''(choking)'' There is a difference between you and me. :''[Batman backflips behind Owlman, kicking and tying him to the QED with a bolas]'' :'''Batman''': ''[holding Owlman's transit device]'' We both looked into the abyss. But when it looked back at us... you blinked. :''[He tosses the device at Owlman's feet, and it transports him and the bomb to another Earth, frozen and also lifeless. As the QED reaches its final countdown, Owlman stares at the flashing "ABORT" command.]'' :'''Owlman''': ''[smiling and standing still]'' It doesn't matter. :''[The QED destroys the entire planet, killing him]'' :'''Wonder Woman''': Are you all right? :'''Batman''': Johnny, I'm back! Stop vibrating! Stop! :'''The Flash''': Oh, God. :'''Johnny Quick''': Did we save the world, then? :'''Batman''': We did. :'''Johnny Quick''': And all that rubbish about me being faster than Flash? You knew this was gonna happen. Good one, mate. :'''Ultraman''': That's real sad, ain't it? Now, get your asses off my moon. :'''Lex Luthor''': What's wrong with you? We almost lost everything. :'''Ultraman''': That was then. Now you're a bunch of wanna be cops trying to take me in. :'''Superman''': Going to take you in. :'''Ultraman''': Two things: You ain't got the authority and you ain't nearly tough enough. :'''Martian Manhunter''': We're more than tough enough. :'''Superman''': Brought the cavalry? :'''Martian Manhunter:''' I brought the Marines. :'''Batman''': The president was displeased by the attempt on his daughter's life. There are nuclear weapons in the shuttle. :'''Slade Wilson''': I brought enough for everybody. There's no way to thank you. You've given us back our world. I've already ordered the National Guard to support local law enforcement teams. We're rounding up the bad guys everywhere. :'''Rose Wilson''': I don't want you to go. :'''Martian Manhunter''': I don't want to go either, but I don't belong here. :'''Rose Wilson''': You could. You could belong here with me. :'''Wonder Woman''': Excuse me, J'onn, but would you stop acting like an idiot? :'''Martian Manhunter''': What? :'''Wonder Woman''': This is what we fight for. If you love her, stay. :'''Martian Manhunter''': I've already lost one home. I made a promise to protect my new one. :'''Rose Wilson''': Then this is how we say goodbye. :'''Wonder Woman''': Maybe there's another one like her back on our Earth. :'''Martian Manhunter''': With my luck, she'll be evil. :'''Superman''': Ah. It's good to be back home. :''[Flash takes off, but runs into Wonder Woman's Invisible Jet]'' :'''The Flash''': Ow! :'''Wonder Woman''': Mind your head. :'''The Flash''': I can't believe you kept that thing. :'''Wonder Woman''': Spoils of war. I like it. :'''The Flash''': What do you need a plane for, anyway? You can fly. :'''Green Lantern''': You drive a car. :'''The Flash''': That is so not the point! :'''Superman''': I owe you an apology about this mission. You were right. :'''Batman''': We were both right. :'''Superman''': Still, more help around here wouldn't be a bad idea. :'''Batman''': I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive. == Taglines== *When Justice meets its match, worlds collide. ==Cast== * [[w:William Baldwin|William Baldwin]] - [[w:Batman|Bruce Wayne / Batman]] * [[Mark Harmon]] - [[w:Superman|Clark Kent / Superman]] * [[w:Chris Noth|Chris Noth]] - [[Lex Luthor]] * [[w:Gina Torres|Gina Torres]] - [[w:Superwoman|Superwoman]] * [[James Woods]] - [[w:Owlman (comics)|Owlman]] * [[w:Brian Bloom|Brian Bloom]] - [[w:Ultraman (comics)|Ultraman]] * [[w:Jonathan Adams|Jonathan Adams]] - [[w:Martian Manhunter|J'onn J'onzz / Martian Manhunter]] * [[w:Josh Keaton|Josh Keaton]] as [[w:Wally West|The Flash / Wally West]] (credited), [[w:Aquaman|Aquaman]] (credited) * [[w:Vanessa Marshall|Vanessa Marshall]] - [[w:Wonder Woman|Princess Diana / Wonder Woman]] * [[w:Bruce Davison|Bruce Davison]] - President [[w:Deathstroke|Slade Wilson]] * Freddi Rogers as [[w:Rose Wilson|Rose Wilson]] * [[w:James Patrick Stuart|James Patrick Stuart]] - [[w:Johnny Quick|Johnny Quick]] (credited), [[w:Joker (comics)|The Jester]] (credited) * [[w:Nolan North|Nolan North]] - [[w:Hal Jordan|Hal Jordan / Green Lantern]] (credited), [[w:Power Ring (DC comics)|Power Ring]] (credited) * [[w:Jim Meskimen|Jim Meskimen]] - [[w:Captain Marvel (DC comics)|Captain Super]] (credited), [[w:Green Arrow|Red Archer]] (credited) * [[w:Kari Wührer|Kari Wührer]] - [[w:Looker (comics)|Model Citizen]] (credited), [[w:Black Canary|Black Canary]] (credited) * [[Bruce Timm]] - [[w:Uncle Marvel|Uncle Super]] (credited), [[w:Captain Marvel Jr.|Captain Super Jr.]] (credited) * [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - [[w:Vibe (comics)|Breakdance]] (credited), Secret Service Agent (credited) * [[w:Cedric Yarbrough|Cedric Yarbrough]] - [[w:Firestorm (comics)|Firestorm]] (credited), [[w:Black Lightning|Black Lightning]] (credited) * [[w:Richard Green|Richard Green]] - [[w:Jimmy Olsen|Jimmy Olsen]] / [[w:Blockbuster (DC comics)|Blockbuster]] * [[Andrea Romano (voice director)|Andrea Romano]] - Watchtower Computer (credited), Reporter (credited) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|1494772}} *{{wikipedia-inline}} {{Batman}} {{Authority control}} {{DC Comics animated films}} [[Category:2010 animated films]] [[Category:2010s American adult animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American adult animated action films]] [[Category:American adult animated science fiction films]] [[Category:American adult animated superhero films]] [[Category:Animated Batman films]] [[Category:Animated Superman films]] [[Category:Animated Green Lantern films]] [[Category:Animated Justice League films]] [[Category:Animated Wonder Woman films]] [[Category:Animated Flash (comics) films]] [[Category:Direct-to-video animated superhero films]] [[Category:Films about parallel universes]] gcf6pg2ungpx2pl4migmnwwjtaq8v8x 3955095 3955090 2026-06-21T16:23:02Z ~2026-35623-41 3343351 /* Dialogue */ 3955095 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths|Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]''''' is a [[w:2010 in film|2010]] animated film featuring the DC Comics superhero team [[Justice League|The Justice League]] dealing with their counterparts from another dimension. It features the voices of [[w:William Baldwin|William Baldwin]], [[Mark Harmon]], [[w:Gina Torres|Gina Torres]], and [[James Woods]]. {{center|'''When Justice meets its match, worlds collide.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :'''Lex Luthor''': No time for niceties. :'''The Jester''': Way to be stealthy, Luther. :'''Lex Luthor''': The moment I shut down the grid, it sent a silent alarm. They're already on their way here. :'''The Jester''': Dibs. The quantum trigger. :'''Lex Luthor''': Now we have a chance. :'''The Jester''': Run. :'''Lex Luthor''': That's not going to slow them down for long. :'''The Jester''': That's not gonna slow them down at all. :''[Lex Luthor and The Jester are escaping from a Syndicate base]'' :'''Lex Luthor''': What are you waiting for? Hurry! :'''The Jester''': It's time to get serious, Lex. :'''Lex Luthor''': No! We can make it together. We can do this! :'''The Jester''': Get your shiny bald head out of here. It's hurting my eyes. What can I say? :''[The Jester is cornered by two Syndicate members]'' :'''The Jester''': Okay, okay! I'm down to my last joke anyway. :''[He pulls out a small bomb and detonates it]'' :'''The Jester''': ''(smiles)'' ... but this one'll kill ya! :''[The building's whole floor explodes]'' :'''Lex Luthor''': It won't be in vain, old friend! :'''Ultraman''': Luthor. You think you can hide from my ultra-vision? :'''Johnny Quick''': You're gonna pay for what you've done, mate. That's a promise. :'''Lex Luthor''': I've gotta a promise of my own. I'm going to finish the Job the Jester started. But not just yet. :'''The Flash''': The work would go a lot faster if l were up there with you, guys. :'''Batman''': Patience. I'm almost ready for you. :'''Wonder Woman''': ''(regarding the Watchtower's construction)'' How much is all this costing, Bruce? :'''Batman''': I don't like to think about it. All right, Flash. Beginning test run. :''[Flash is about to be teleported to the Watchtower]'' :'''The Flash''': I don't know, Batman. This is pretty radical. You're absolutely sure it works? :'''Batman''': Pretty sure. ''[activates teleporter]'' :'''The Flash''': Pretty sure? That isn't- ''[teleported to their location)'' -good enough! :'''Batman''': ''[stealing the Flash's pretzel and eating it]'' Teleporter is online. :'''The Flash''': ''[freaking out]'' Are you crazy?! ''[Batman walks away]'' Is he crazy?! How could he use that thing on me if he wasn't sure?! :'''Martian Manhunter''': He was joking. :'''The Flash''': Yeah? How can ya tell? :'''Wonder Woman''': ''(smirking)'' You really think he would risk your life if he wasn't sure? :'''The Flash''': Well, maybe... I mean, I don't think he likes me very much. :'''Martian Manhunter''': I don't think he likes ''anyone'' very much. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lex Luthor has arrived at a Police Station]'' :'''Luthor''': No need to make a scene. I want you to contact the Justice League for me. :'''Police Officer''': Or else? :'''Luthor''': ''(sighs)'' Or I'll destroy the world? Is that sufficient? <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Flash''': ''(seeing Lex Luthor naked)'' And they call me the "Flash". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Model Citizen''': Excuse me, could I talk to you for a minute? ''(she begins to hypnotize Flash)'' You don't want to fight me. You want to help me. :'''The Flash''': ''(monotone)'' I don't want to fight you, I want... ''(becomes aware again)'' Hey! This is like the Jedi mind trick! :'''Model Citizen''': This is not like the Jedi mind trick. :'''The Flash''': ''(monotone again)'' This is not like the Jedi mind trick. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Syndicate member tries to cut Green Lantern in half with a giant pair of scissors]'': :'''Green Lantern''': I've played this game before. ''(punches her with a [[w:rock-paper-scissors|giant rock]])'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lex Luthor''': ''(inside Owlman's plane)'' Where is it? :'''The Flash''': What are you looking for? :'''Lex Luthor''': Chameleon circuit. Owlman used to drive me crazy with it. :''[The Flash rushes around the cockpit and presses a button]'': :'''The Flash''': Found it. ''(pause)'' What does it do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Flash''': Are we there yet? :'''Green Lantern''': That wasn't funny the first fifteen times you said it either. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Flash''': How are we supposed to get in again? :'''Lex Luthor''': Multi-frequency band encryption analyzer replicator pack. :'''The Flash''': Some of us don't speak ''[[Star Trek]]''. :'''Lex Luthor''': Think of it as a fancy garage door opener. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Superwoman''': You never had any intention of using the QED for blackmail. You're going to use it kill everybody. :'''Owlman''': ''(utterly unfazed)'' What if I am? :'''Superwoman''': Just tell me - why? :'''Owlman''': Why not? :'''Superwoman''': I'm serious. I'm a murdering psychopath; it's part of my charm. :'''Owlman''': I do find it attractive. :'''Superwoman''': But you never make a move without a reason. Why would you want to destroy the world? :'''Owlman''': Because it's the only action one could take that would have any purpose. :'''Superwoman''': ''(beat)'' You lost me there. :''(Owlman activates a hologram that shows an image of Earth endlessly splitting into similar images)'' :'''Owlman''': Every decision we make is meaningless. Because somewhere, on a parallel Earth, we have already made the opposite choice. We're nothing. Less than nothing. :'''Superwoman''': How can you say that? We're rich! We're conquerors! :'''Owlman''': ''(pointing at alternate Earths)'' And here we're poor. We're slaves. And here, our parents never met, so we were never born. Here, the world ended in nuclear war. Here, no fish was brave enough to crawl upon land and humans never evolved. And so on, ''ad infinitum''. :'''Superwoman''': So even if you destroy the world, there are a billion others, right? What difference would it make? :'''Owlman''': Somewhere in the [[w:multiverse|multiverse]], there is a world I call "[[w:Earth Prime|Earth Prime]]". Every Earth is a variation of this one, the original. And once I destroy it, all reality will follow. ''(grabs the first Earth image in his hand, causing it to vanish; the other Earths gradually follow)'' :'''Superwoman''': I take it back. You're ''much'' crazier than I am. :'''Owlman''': Don't get in my way. :'''Superwoman''': To the contrary. ''(kisses him)'' I'm in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Batman arrives on Earth Prime, where he finds Owlman with the QED]'' :'''Owlman''': ''[programming the QED's detonation]'' Welcome to Earth Prime. Before there was thought, there was this place. One Earth, with a single history. But with the coming of man came the illusion of free will. And with that illusion came chaos. With every choice we make, we literally create a world. History branches in two, creating one Earth where we made the choice, and a second where we didn't. That's the secret of the universe, you know. Billions of people, making billions of choices, creating infinite Earths. Some so similar to each other that you could spend a lifetime searching for any distinction. Others so radically different, they defy comprehension. :'''Batman''': And all of the branches originate here? :'''Owlman''': Every version of reality balances precariously on this singular Earth. ''(musing)'' It seems so different from the Earths we know. I can't imagine what series of decisions led to this world hurtling out of its orbit. But I know this. The source of the cataclysm was the same as it always is: man. :'''Batman''': You can't be sure of that. Anything-- :'''Owlman''': ''[Interrupting]'' You know better. Man is a cancer, and I've chosen to cut out the disease. :'''Batman''': You're talking about killing-- :'''Owlman''': Everyone who ever lived. Who ever will live. I choose to make the only possible real choice. :'''Batman''': You're insane. :'''Owlman''': Does it really matter? There are alternate versions of me that you would find quite charming. :''[They battle. Owlman kicks Batman into a rock spire]'' :'''Owlman''': From what I gather, we're very much alike. Everything about you tells the tale. Your attitude, your costume, your tactics. They all scream of outrage. Despair. Vengeance. What terrible wrong was done to set you on this path? ''[lifts Batman by his throat, and slams him into a rock]'' It doesn't really matter. ''[[w:nihilism|Nothing matters]]''. :'''Batman''': What are you planning to do? Talk me to death? :'''Owlman''': ''(smiles)'' Actually, ''(beats Batman to the ground)'' I thought I'd ''beat'' you to death. :''[More blows are exchanged. Owlman lifts Batman again]'' :'''Owlman''': You should have sent your flying man. With his strength, he might have had a chance, but you don't trust anyone else to do what needs to be done! I feel the same way. :'''Batman''': If we really are alike, you know this is wrong. You must have been a good man once. :'''Owlman''': No. Not "good". Never "good". After all, I'm only human. :''[Batman detonates an explosive in Owlman's face. He begins tampering with the QED's detonation]'' :'''Owlman''': ''(grabbing him from behind)'' No more debate. I'm going to kill you now, then everyone else. :'''Batman''': ''(choking)'' There is a difference between you and me. :''[Batman backflips behind Owlman, kicking and tying him to the QED with a bolas]'' :'''Batman''': ''[holding Owlman's transit device]'' We both looked into the abyss. But when it looked back at us... you blinked. :''[He tosses the device at Owlman's feet, and it transports him and the bomb to another Earth, frozen and also lifeless. As the QED reaches its final countdown, Owlman stares at the flashing "ABORT" command.]'' :'''Owlman''': ''[smiling and standing still]'' It doesn't matter. :''[The QED destroys the entire planet, killing him]'' :'''Wonder Woman''': Are you all right? :'''Batman''': Johnny, I'm back! Stop vibrating! Stop! :'''The Flash''': Oh, God. :'''Johnny Quick''': Did we save the world, then? :'''Batman''': We did. :'''Johnny Quick''': And all that rubbish about me being faster than Flash? You knew this was gonna happen. Good one, mate. :'''Ultraman''': That's real sad, ain't it? Now, get your asses off my moon. :'''Lex Luthor''': What's wrong with you? We almost lost everything. :'''Ultraman''': That was then. Now you're a bunch of wanna be cops trying to take me in. :'''Superman''': Going to take you in. :'''Ultraman''': Two things: You ain't got the authority and you ain't nearly tough enough. :'''Martian Manhunter''': We're more than tough enough. :'''Superman''': Brought the cavalry? :'''Martian Manhunter:''' I brought the Marines. :'''Batman''': The president was displeased by the attempt on his daughter's life. There are nuclear weapons in the shuttle. :'''Slade Wilson''': I brought enough for everybody. There's no way to thank you. You've given us back our world. I've already ordered the National Guard to support local law enforcement teams. We're rounding up the bad guys everywhere. :'''Rose Wilson''': I don't want you to go. :'''Martian Manhunter''': I don't want to go either, but I don't belong here. :'''Rose Wilson''': You could. You could belong here with me. :'''Wonder Woman''': Excuse me, J'onn, but would you stop acting like an idiot? :'''Martian Manhunter''': What? :'''Wonder Woman''': This is what we fight for. If you love her, stay. :'''Martian Manhunter''': I've already lost one home. I made a promise to protect my new one. :'''Rose Wilson''': Then this is how we say goodbye. :'''Wonder Woman''': Maybe there's another one like her back on our Earth. :'''Martian Manhunter''': With my luck, she'll be evil. :'''Superman''': Ah. It's good to be back home. :''[Flash takes off, but runs into Wonder Woman's Invisible Jet]'' :'''The Flash''': Ow! :'''Wonder Woman''': Mind your head. :'''The Flash''': I can't believe you kept that thing. :'''Wonder Woman''': Spoils of war. I like it. :'''The Flash''': What do you need a plane for, anyway? You can fly. :'''Green Lantern''': You drive a car. :'''The Flash''': That is so not the point! :'''Superman''': I owe you an apology about this mission. You were right. :'''Batman''': We were both right. :'''Superman''': Still, more help around here wouldn't be a bad idea. :'''Batman''': I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive. == Taglines== *When Justice meets its match, worlds collide. ==Cast== * [[w:William Baldwin|William Baldwin]] - [[w:Batman|Bruce Wayne / Batman]] * [[Mark Harmon]] - [[w:Superman|Clark Kent / Superman]] * [[w:Chris Noth|Chris Noth]] - [[Lex Luthor]] * [[w:Gina Torres|Gina Torres]] - [[w:Superwoman|Superwoman]] * [[James Woods]] - [[w:Owlman (comics)|Owlman]] * [[w:Brian Bloom|Brian Bloom]] - [[w:Ultraman (comics)|Ultraman]] * [[w:Jonathan Adams|Jonathan Adams]] - [[w:Martian Manhunter|J'onn J'onzz / Martian Manhunter]] * [[w:Josh Keaton|Josh Keaton]] as [[w:Wally West|The Flash / Wally West]] (credited), [[w:Aquaman|Aquaman]] (credited) * [[w:Vanessa Marshall|Vanessa Marshall]] - [[w:Wonder Woman|Princess Diana / Wonder Woman]] * [[w:Bruce Davison|Bruce Davison]] - President [[w:Deathstroke|Slade Wilson]] * Freddi Rogers as [[w:Rose Wilson|Rose Wilson]] * [[w:James Patrick Stuart|James Patrick Stuart]] - [[w:Johnny Quick|Johnny Quick]] (credited), [[w:Joker (comics)|The Jester]] (credited) * [[w:Nolan North|Nolan North]] - [[w:Hal Jordan|Hal Jordan / Green Lantern]] (credited), [[w:Power Ring (DC comics)|Power Ring]] (credited) * [[w:Jim Meskimen|Jim Meskimen]] - [[w:Captain Marvel (DC comics)|Captain Super]] (credited), [[w:Green Arrow|Red Archer]] (credited) * [[w:Kari Wührer|Kari Wührer]] - [[w:Looker (comics)|Model Citizen]] (credited), [[w:Black Canary|Black Canary]] (credited) * [[Bruce Timm]] - [[w:Uncle Marvel|Uncle Super]] (credited), [[w:Captain Marvel Jr.|Captain Super Jr.]] (credited) * [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - [[w:Vibe (comics)|Breakdance]] (credited), Secret Service Agent (credited) * [[w:Cedric Yarbrough|Cedric Yarbrough]] - [[w:Firestorm (comics)|Firestorm]] (credited), [[w:Black Lightning|Black Lightning]] (credited) * [[w:Richard Green|Richard Green]] - [[w:Jimmy Olsen|Jimmy Olsen]] / [[w:Blockbuster (DC comics)|Blockbuster]] * [[Andrea Romano (voice director)|Andrea Romano]] - Watchtower Computer (credited), Reporter (credited) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|1494772}} *{{wikipedia-inline}} {{Batman}} {{Authority control}} {{DC Comics animated films}} [[Category:2010 animated films]] [[Category:2010s American adult animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American adult animated action films]] [[Category:American adult animated science fiction films]] [[Category:American adult animated superhero films]] [[Category:Animated Batman films]] [[Category:Animated Superman films]] [[Category:Animated Green Lantern films]] [[Category:Animated Justice League films]] [[Category:Animated Wonder Woman films]] [[Category:Animated Flash (comics) films]] [[Category:Direct-to-video animated superhero films]] [[Category:Films about parallel universes]] 1xmrxl3gm0k43pgzr1fx9mcozz578wa 0 121793 3955189 3954920 2026-06-22T03:27:44Z ~2026-20381-90 3307508 /* Dialogue */ 3955189 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Brave Little Toaster (film)|The Adventures of the Brave Little Toaster: A Bedtime Story for Small Appliances]]''''', otherwise known as simply '''''The Adventures of the BLT: A Bedtime Story for Small Appliances''''', '''''The Brave Little Toaster: A Bedtime Story for Small Appliances''''', '''''Brave Little Toaster: A Bedtime Story for Small Appliances''''', '''''The BLT: A Bedtime Story for Small Appliances''''', '''''BLT: A Bedtime Story for Small Appliances''''', '''''The Adventures of the Brave Little Toaster''''', '''''The Adventures of the BLT''''', '''''The Brave Little Toaster''''', '''''Brave Little Toaster''''', '''''The BLT''''' or '''''BLT''''', is a [[w:1987 in film|1987]] [[American]] [[w:animated movie|animated movie]] directed by [[w:Jerry Rees|Jerry Rees]], written by [[w:Thomas M. Disch|Thomas M. Disch]] and produced by [[w:Hyperion Pictures|Hyperion Pictures]], along with [[w:The Kushner-Locke Company|The Kushner-Locke Company]] (who were the original producers) with titles and opticals by [[The Walt Disney Company]]. It follows five antique analog electronic small domestic computer appliances who go on the quest to search for their master. :''Directed by [[w:Jerry Rees|Jerry Rees]]. Written by [[w:Jerry Rees|Jerry Rees]] and [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]].'' :''Music by [[w:David Newman (composer)|David Newman]].'' {{center|'''Plug into the adventure!''' ([[The Brave Little Toaster (film)#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Toaster == * Good morning, everyone. * Well, you can do what you like. We're not gonna give up hope. * You know, guys, we ''are'' gonna need ''some'' kind of shelter. * ''[as Blanky blows away by a storm]'' '''''BLANKY!!''''' == Dialogue == :'''Radio''': ''[first lines]'' Good morning, good morning, good morning. That was A-Billion-And-One Strings playing one of your all-time favorite tunes. At the top of the news this morning, there's monkey business in Utah. Aw, seriously, now. It seems that a band of renegade chimpanzees have kidnapped Pulitzer prize-winning poet Lester Charles and are demanding- :'''Lampy''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, what's this great idea?! I'm attempting to get some sleep! :'''Radio''': Look buddy, I'm doing a broadcast. Did you mind? ''[lights on]'' WHOA! Not in the face there, pal! Now let me see, uh...Oh, yes, the chimps are protesting. :''[Next, a small gold lamp named Lampy jumps on the Master's bed to Radio]'' :'''Lampy''': I have the good mind to reset your alarm! Permamently! :'''Radio''': Sorry, folks. We seem to be experiencing the little technical difficulty, but I'm sure it's nothing we can't '''HANDLE!!''' :''[Does more radio gibberish until Lampy shuts him off]'' :'''Lampy''': Whew. Can't even hear your own thoughts with the racket around here. ''[Radio shoots up and pushes him right off the bed]'' Holy mother of Edison! What were you thinking?! You could've broken my bulb! :'''Radio''': ''[turns on]'' I'm thinking you think too much, pal. What we need is some wake-up music! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lampy''': Hey, come over here. I'm gonna- :'''Radio''': Why, do you dare to cross foils with the greatest Saxon swordsman in the land? Haven't you the slightest idea who you're dealing with? :''[Toaster laughs and smiles at Blanky]'' :'''Lampy''': Precisely. A total idiot! :''[But Blanky accidentally slides on the railing]'' :'''Radio''': If your saber wags as loosely as your Norman tongue, you'll be run through the instant. Defend yourself, Sir Lampy of Locksley! ''[continually whacks Lampy with his antenna, Blanky falls on them]'' A blow for Richard! A blow for Marian! A blow for Mario, the garbage man! And for Carl, and all the boys at the delicatessen! ''[Toaster looks hopefully as Kirby moves forward]'' And here's one for the guys on Fifth Street! Hey! No! :'''Kirby''': ''[accidentally sucks up Blanky]'' Oh, whoa! Oh, no, what?! ''[falls over]'' :'''Lampy''': ''[stops the fighting]'' Hey, guys, what's goin' on? What's goin' on? Who turned out the lights? :'''Toaster''': ''[smiling]'' Good morning, everyone. :'''Blanky''': ''[smiling]'' Good morning, Toaster. :'''Radio''': ''[appearing from under Blanky]'' Hey, Slots. :'''Lampy''': ''[appearing from under Blanky]'' Salutations. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Radio''': Got you now! Leave it to me! ''[Then Toaster bursts the radio up on the stair rails]'' Hang onto your hats, you devil dogs! Because the master of Bebop blaster of all time is gonna give you a '''SOUL INJECTION!''' :'''Little Richard''': ''[singing]'' Wop-bop-a-loo-mop-a-lop-bam-boom. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. A-wop-bop-a-loo-mop-a-lop-bam-boom. / I got a gal named Sue, She knows just what to do. I got a gal named Sue. She knows just what to do. She rocks to the east. She rocks to the west. but she's the gal that I love best. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. '''WHOO!!''' Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. A-wop-bop-a-loo-mop-a-lop-bam-boom. / I got a gal named '''[[w:Daisy Duck|Daisy]]''', she almost drives me crazy. I got a gal named '''[[w:Daisy Duck|Daisy]]''', she almost drives me crazy. She knows how to love me, yes, indeed. Boy, you don't know what you're doin' to me. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. '''WHOO!!''' Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. A-wop-bop-a-loo-mop-a-lop-bam-boom. '''YOW!!''' / '''OHH!!''' Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. '''WHOO!!''' Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. Tutti frutti, oh, Rudy. A-wop-bop-a-loo-mop-a-lop-bam-boom. :'''Toaster''': Hey, Csendes! Silence! It's the blanket! ''[Then the others stop suddenly]'' :'''Blanky''': ''[silently]'' A car... :'''Toaster''': ''[beaming]'' A CAR?! :'''Appliances''': A CAR!! ''[Then the appliances set up a tower going to the attic]'' :'''Radio''': Alright, fellas. easy now. A little to the left, whoa, careful now. :'''Blanky''': I'm gonna fall. :'''Kirby''': Keep climbing! And you, get that lights outta my eyes. ''[Lampy turns off the light and Blanky continues up to the attic, but he looks out the boarded up oval window and sees the car coming down the road]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Toaster''': Can you see? :'''Lampy''': Is it him? Is it him? :'''Radio''': Any news? I'm dying down here! :'''Toaster''': Is it the master? Is it the master? ''[echoes]'' :'''Blanky''': ''[daydreaming]'' It's him! He's back! ''[dreams that the master gets out of the car and runs up to the cottage]'' It's the Master! ''[flies down the stairs and the door opens]'' :'''Young Rob''': ''[opens the door]'' Blanky! :'''Blanky''': Master! :'''Young Rob''': Blanky! :''[Just as they are about to hug, Rob disappears; rips back to reality, and the car drives past, making Blanky lament]'' :'''Lampy''': Well, was it him? ''[Toaster frowns at him]'' Well, I'm just curious as to whether or not it was him. I hate being left in the dark, you know? ''[sees Blanky comes down; Toaster lands on Kirby]'' I guess we can assume that it wasn't him, right? :'''Toaster''': Let's get back to work. :''[The appliances put everything back]'' :'''Radio''': Sorry for that little interruption, folks. We return to our regularly scheduled program at this time. :''[Blanky cries hard while holding the picture of young Rob, their Master, after realizing the Master hasn't returned; then begins to wail loud]'' :'''Kirby''': ''[annoyed at Blanky crying, growls]'' Cry, cry, weep, wail 'n' sob, it's disgusting! Every time, I can't believe it, every single - Hey, give me that stupid picture! ''[tries to suck in Rob's picture frame]'' :'''Blanky''': No, no! :'''Toaster''': I'll just put it away! :'''Kirby''': In the garbage! :'''Blanky''': No, you can't! :'''Kirby''': Wimp! :'''Toaster''': ''[annoyed]'' ''Let '''GO!''''' :'''Kirby''': He's not coming back anyway. :'''Lampy''': He might. The fact is there's just not enough facts. :'''Radio''': Fight breaks out in Peaceful Mountain Cottage, shocking the world, and bringing Geneva talks to a grinding halt! :'''Blanky''': Stop it! :'''Kirby''': Let me have it. :'''Blanky''': You can't! :''[The picture of young Rob flies through this air and crashes, Blanky gasps in shock]'' :'''Kirby''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, no. :''[The other appliances go toward this broken photo stand of Rob, quite suddenly, cold air breezes through the cottage, and Air Conditioner laughs ironically]'' :'''Toaster''': What are ''you'' laughing at? :'''Air Conditioner''': ''[stops laughing and smirks]'' Absolutely nothin', nothin' at all. :'''Lampy''': I think he was laughin' with us. :'''Air Conditioner''': You know somethin', you're a real bright little lamp. :'''Lampy''': Oh, thanks. ''[realizes, then offended]'' Hey! :'''Air Conditioner''': You guys really have an attachment for that kid, don't ya? :'''Blanky''': Yes. He was our master. :'''Air Conditioner''': Well, that's real nice. And any day now, he might come rompin' back, huh? Just come whistlin' right back in through that door, and everything'll be the same. Real peachy-keen-like. :'''Blanky''': Uh-huh. :'''Lampy''': It's a possibility. :'''Toaster''': Well, at least, we try to be optimistic. :'''Air Conditioner''': "Optimistic"?! Somebody untie the knot in this guy's cord! :'''Kirby''': ''[angrily]'' Why don't you just shut off?! :'''Air Conditioner''': ''[sarcastically]'' Hey, I'm real scared there, Kirby. What are you gonna do, suck me to death? :'''Kirby''': ''[offended]'' Hmph! :'''Air Conditioner''': What is it with you guys, anyway? You act like you just came off the assembly line. Now, get this through your chrome: ''[blows the gust of cold wind at the other appliances]'' We've been dumped! Abandoned! :'''Blanky''': But he loved us. :'''Radio''': That's right. :'''Air Conditioner''': So what? He's a kid, he has a family. They move away, he moves away. It's a package deal. :'''Toaster''': But maybe, they're all- :'''Air Conditioner''': ''[interrupts]'' He's not coming back, pure and simple. :'''Kirby''': ''[to Air Conditioner]'' Oh, yeah? Did you talk to him recently or somethin'? They could drive up any second. :'''Blanky''': ''[to Kirby]'' You really think so? :'''Kirby''': ''[to Blanky]'' I'm not talkin' to you. :'''Air Conditioner''': The whole bunch of you got to have a combined wattage of five, maybe less. It's been years. It's scrap-metal time. :'''Toaster''': ''[angrily]'' Well, you can do what you like. We're not gonna give up hope. :'''Air Conditioner''': ''[sarcastically]'' That's real touchin', Toaster. You're gonna get me bawlin' like a babe any time now. :'''Toaster''': I think you're jealous. :'''Air Conditioner''': Sure, I'm jealous of a bunch of dimwits. :'''Lampy''': ''[angrily]'' "Dim"?! :'''Toaster''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah. Because The Master never played with you. :'''Kirby''': ''[angrily]'' 'Cause you're stuck in the wall! :'''Air Conditioner''': ''[blows cold air, angrily]'' So...it's back to ''that'' stupid static again. You think I don't know what's going on here? I know what goes on this cottage. It's a conspiracy, and every one of you low-watts is in on it. Just because ''you'' can move around, you think you're better than ''I'' am! '''I'M NOT AN INVALID; I WAS ''DESIGNED'' TO STICK IN A WALL! I ''LIKE'' BEIN' STUCK IN THIS ''STUPID WALL!''''' I can't help it if the kid was too short to reach my dials! :'''Toaster''': ''[worried]'' We didn't mean it! ''Really!'' :''[The appliances cover themselves from the sparks]'' :'''Air Conditioner''': ''[roaring]'' '''''IT'S MY FUNCTION!!!!!''''' ''[begins glowing in red-shift and then bright burst orange and sparks fly out of his mouth]'' :'''Toaster''': Don't! Wait! ''Wait!'' :''[The other appliances run away as Air Conditioner overheats]'' :'''Kirby''': ''[alarmed]'' '''''HE'S GONNA BLOW!''''' :'''Toaster''': '''''YANK YOUR CORDS!''''' :''[Blanky, Radio and Lampy pull out their plugs from two outlets and take cover]'' :'''Kirby''': ''[behind chair]'' '''''THE FUSE!''''' :''[Air Conditioner continues to rage until he finally explodes. Toaster and Lampy carefully peek from behind the stairs and the other appliances see Air Conditioner's blown up remains and his mouthpiece falls off]'' :'''Blanky''': Poor Air Conditioner. :'''Toaster''': I didn't know he'd take it so hard. :'''Kirby''': Well, he was a jerk anyway. :'''Lampy''': ''[hearing something]'' Hey, hey. What's that? What is it? :''[Revving is heard]'' :'''Blanky''': ''[happily]'' A car! :'''Kirby''': ''[angrily]'' I don't want to hear another word about cars! :'''Toaster''': ''[agreeing with Kirby]'' You said it. :'''Radio''': Sounds pretty close. :'''Kirby''': Just don't even start! :'''Lampy''': Sounds ''real'' close. :''[The other appliances pause for a few seconds, and when they think The Master is gonna pick them up, they hide. But then, they hear the hammer, and look out the window to see "For Sale" sign, Blanky looks shocked. In the next scene, Radio hums "Taps" as the lowers his antenna in the military fashion, Blanky sobs and falls to the floor and Lampy moans sadly]'' :'''Toaster''': ''[angrily] '''STOP IT!!!''' [jumps onto the soapbox]'' We're going out to find him! :'''Radio, Lampy, Kirby, and Blanky''': '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Kirby''': What are you talking about?! What do you mean?! :'''Toaster''': Exactly what I said. We're gonna go out and find The Master. :'''Blanky''': ''[scared]'' To the City? :'''Toaster''': Yeah, no matter what. :'''Lampy''': Well, how exactly would you propose we're gonna do that, exactly? :'''Toaster''': I... I don't know. :'''Kirby''': Oh, come off it. Be serious! :'''Toaster''': ''[to Kirby; annoyed]'' I ''am'' serious! :'''Kirby''': You're insane. ''[backs away]'' :'''Radio''': Why, if only we were all wiener dogs, our problems will be solved! :''[Lampy, Kirby, Blanky and Toaster stare at Radio]'' :'''Toaster''': ''[confused]'' ''What?'' :'''Radio''': Or maybe it was a Basset Hound? :'''Kirby''': ''[confused]'' You're ''all'' insane. ''[backs away a little more]'' :'''Radio''': It was a news flash I picked up yesterday about a dog. ''[country accent]'' In an amazing show of loyalty and courage, a terrier name Grover traveled hundreds of miles to be reunited with his owner. The poor little critter was accidentally left behind on a fishing trip three weeks ago. And he had to find his way across rugged mountain peaks and scorching deserts in order to get home. Little Grover turned out to be one spunky pup. :'''Toaster''': If a dog can do it, ''we'' can do it! :'''Blanky''': But a dog has legs. :'''Toaster''' Ah, don't be a wet blanket. :'''Lampy''': Actually, legs would help, you know? :'''Kirby''': Brains wouldn't hurt, either. :'''Lampy''': Lay off! :'''Radio''': ''[normal voice]'' Yeah, pipe down, Carpet Breath! :'''Toaster''': Well, I'm going with or without you. :'''Kirby''': I'd say we stay. We'll have a new Master anyway as soon as someone buys the Cottage. :'''Blanky''': But, I don't want a new Master. I want ''our'' Master. :'''Toaster''': Well, what about the rest of you? :'''Radio''': You boys are going to need a leader! Why, alone, you wouldn't last for five minutes out there! I used to be a mountaineer, see? And together, we can stand against the Forces of Nature. :'''Lampy''': Were you really a mountaineer? :'''Radio''': Sure. Ask anybody. Ask Teddy Roosevelt. Why, we shot moose together on the Klondike. :'''Lampy''': Wow. Well, you know, I was just thinking, you guys will need somebody bright along, too. :'''Toaster''': Good idea. :'''Radio''': Listen to this: "World War II, the Normandy Invasion! And who's there but Lampy to light the way?" :''[The appliances look at Kirby]'' :'''Toaster''': You know, I thought it'd be good to have somebody come along, who's really...strong! :'''Lampy''': And loud! :'''Blanky''': And ''grumpy!'' :'''Radio''': And oblivious to reality. :'''Toaster''': ''[hits his friends in annoyance]'' Well? :'''Kirby''': ''[pauses, and a few seconds later, he begrudgingly joins in, under his breath]'' I just ''know'' I'm gonna regret this. :''[The rest of the other appliances cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lampy''': ''[opens fuse box and pulls out last fuse]'' Wow. This was our last fuse. :'''Toaster''': See? ''[puts last fuse in transmitter]'' It's a good thing we're getting out of here. :'''Radio''': ''[turns on kitchen light]'' I've always loved travel, anyway. The open road, the smell of the wind in my face, the flies clogging up my grille. :'''Kirby''': Yeah? Well, ''how'' are we going to travel? :'''Lampy''': Hey, I've got an idea! We can all get on top of the bed, you know, and then Kirby can push us. ''[Kirby pushes the bed with Toaster, Blanky, Radio, and Lampy on board, and tries to push gently down the stairs, but pushes too hard, and sends Toaster, Blanky, Radio, and Lampy falling down with the bed]'' No, no, no. Hey! What about The Master's pogo stick? ''[the appliances jump on the Pogo stick, try to go forward, and succeed for a bit, but end up going backward in the wrong direction on it, and crash]'' No, that's no good. Hey! How about we're in the refrigerator on a skateboard, and Kirby can pull? ''[Kirby, with a rope attached to him, pulls the skateboard with the refrigerator on top, and tries to pull gently, but ends up pulling too hard that the rope snaps from the skateboard, which sends Kirby flying forward, and causes the refrigerator to fall off, tilt over, and land on the floor with a loud thunk, as Blanky, now blue, and with his teeth chattering, shivers in the freezer, due to the ice freezing him]'' No, no, no. Hey! :'''Radio''': ''[annoyed]'' Shut up! Shut up! :'''Toaster, Kirby and Blanky''': ''[annoyed]'' '''''Shut up!''''' :'''Radio''': Let's see somebody else try for a change. ''[next scene with the appliances, minus Radio, on Blanky]'' Arise, Hassan. Arise, o magic carpet. <hr width="50%"> :'''Toaster''': We need a longer cord. :'''Radio''': Why, we need an alternate power source, I'd say. <hr width="50%"> :'''Toaster''': I... I guess this is it. :'''Kirby''': Uh-huh. ''[Then, Blanky takes a look at his picture of The Master]'' :'''Kirby''': Hey, Blanket! :'''Blanky''': ''[hiding his picture]'' What?! :'''Kirby''': You ready to go, Blanket? :'''Blanky''': Yes, I'm ready. :'''Toaster''': Okay, Kirby. <hr width="50%"> :'''Toaster''': I can't see the road anymore. Are we going the right direction? :'''Blanky''': I don't think so, unless we can work something out with you guys. :'''Radio''': Why, you boys are gonna need a navigator. :'''Lampy''': Navigator? :'''Radio''': Why, sure. I'll just tune in on a radio signal from The City, see? I can take you right there lickety-split. ''[after going through many staticky radio stations, he finally gets a clear signal from the city]'' North by Northwest. Watch out for low-flying aircraft. :''[Kirby moves forward; Lampy lands on Blanky]'' :'''Blanky''': '''''OW!''''' :'''Toaster''': What's wrong? :'''Blanky''': ''[angrily; referring to Lampy]'' He stepped on me! :'''Lampy''': Did not! :'''Blanky''': Did ''too!'' :'''Lampy''': Did ''not!'' :'''Blanky and Kirby''': ''Did '''too!''''' :'''Lampy''': ''[defensively]'' ''Did '''not!''''' :'''Toaster''': ''[annoyed]'' Hey, hey, hey, come on. How do you guys expect us to get there if you are fighting all the time? :'''Blanky''': You mean, we're not there yet? :'''Toaster''': ''[calmly and smiling]'' No, no, not yet, but we will be soon. ''[rubs Blanky's head]'' We got a long way to go. :'''Kirby''': ''[warily; agreeing with Toaster]'' Oh, boy. You're tellin' me. :''[18 seconds later]'' :'''Toaster''': :''♪ Life is like a journey on the road that's within. :Heads say you should stay, but your heart says to begin. :So, you go. ♪'' :'''Toaster and Kirby''': :''♪ But you don't want to go. ♪'' :'''Toaster''': :''♪ Any life worth living isn't life just filled with ease. :You just stay forgiving through the forest and the trees. ♪'' :'''Toaster and Lampy''': :''♪ And you'll go...just where you want to go. ♪'' :'''Appliances''': :''♪ Time flies by in the City of Light. :Time stands still in the country. :There's no time for a fuss and a fight. :As we travel the land. ♪'' :'''Lampy and Radio''': :''♪ And I'd be satisfied, just to be not denied. ♪'' :'''Toaster, Lampy and Radio''': :''♪ To reside with some pride. ♪'' :'''Appliances''': :''♪ While I ride to the city, The City of Light. ♪'' :'''Lampy''': :''♪ Light shines like a diamond in the city at night. ♪'' :'''Radio''': :''♪ Whenever that diamond shines, you know that everything's all right. ♪'' :'''Kirby''': :''♪ But you know, we got a way to go. ♪'' :'''Blanky''': :''♪ Let us meet The Master, we don't wanna make him wait. ♪'' :'''Lampy and Blanky''': :''♪ You just keep a-knockin', He will open up the gates ♪'' :'''Appliances''': :''♪ To that City of Light! ♪'' :''[Kirby goes behind a tree, doing his business. Blanky looks, and Toaster hits Blanky's head to give Kirby some privacy]'' :'''Lampy''': :'' ♪ Master is a man with a plan I can understand. ♪'' :'''Toaster''': :''♪ Master is a man of great reflection. ♪'' :'''Radio''': :''♪ Master is a man who lays his hand across the land. ♪'' :'''Blanky''': :''♪ Master is the man of our affection. ♪'' :'''Appliances''': :''♪ Time flies by in the City of Light. :Time stands still in the country. :There's no time for a fuss and a fight, :As we travel the land. ♪'' :'''Lampy and Radio''': :''♪ And I'd be satisfied, just to be not denied ♪'' :'''Appliances''': :''♪ To reside with some pride, while I ride to the city, The City of Light. ♪'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The other appliances stop at a clearing in a bramble patch]'' :'''Lampy''': Hey, everybody! Look! A clearing! :'''Kirby''': Great. Let's spread out The Blanket and have a picnic. :'''Blanky''': But I'm full of stickers. :'''Kirby''': Well, my bags are full of thistles and sticks and who knows what else! Whose idea was it to come this way anyway? :'''Radio''': Why, it was the Lamp's, I tell you guys! :'''Lampy''': Oh, yeah?! Who's supposed to be the big-shot navigator around here, Mr. Loudmouth?! Mr. Big...Loudmouth?! :'''Kirby''': Yeah! :'''Toaster''': Where are we, anyway? :'''Radio''': Now, look here, fellas, just give me a second, and, uh- ''[notices the small pebble]'' Whoa, listen to this! It's the top of the 9th, the bases are loaded, and Pee-Wee Reese is at the plate. There's the pitch, ''[kicks the pebble in the air]'' and he connects! ''[hits the pebble with his antenna, which bounces off Toaster, Kirby, and Lampy respectively]'' Oh, and it's the Triple Play! :''[Kirby and Lampy angrily swarm around Radio]'' :'''Toaster''': Knock it off, you guys! We should all settle down and try to get some sleep. :''[Lampy drops the rock. Next scene shifts to Lampy laying his head on a rock like a pillow. He hears a sound and sees Radio drawing the dirt circle in the dirt]'' :'''Radio''': ''[about the circle in the dirt]'' This is my sleeping space, see? And ''nobody'' crosses this line. :'''Lampy''': Yeah? Well, you better not wake us up at 6:00 as usual. :'''Kirby''': What are ''you'' complaining about? ''You'' didn't do any work today. :'''Radio''': Yeah. :''[Blanky crawls to Lampy]'' :'''Lampy''': ''[glares at Blanky]'' Go find your own place to sleep, you little fuzzball. ''[goes to sleep]'' :''[Blanky tries going into Radio's sleeping space]'' :'''Radio''': ''[stops Blanky]'' Watch it! Hey! Hey! Hey! What, are you blind! It's the line. Aht-aht! :'''Kirby''': ''[annoyed]'' ''Good night!'' ''[falls asleep]'' :''[Blanky tries cuddling up to Toaster, who then wakes up]'' :'''Toaster''': ''[tired, shoos Blanky away]'' Come on. I'm not The Master. Go snuggle someplace else. I'm trying to get some sleep. Now go on. :''[Blanky looks dejected and sleeps by himself]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Toaster''': Are you sure this is the right direction? :'''Radio''': Why certainly sure as I am honest. :'''Lampy''': In that case we're definitely lost. :'''Blanky''': But there might be lions in there. :'''Radio''': ''[mockingly]'' And tigers and bears, oh my. :'''Lampy''': ''[sarcastically]'' He's such a baby! Waah-waah! :''[Toaster pushes both Lampy and Radio away in annoyance, and gently rubs Blanky's head, which makes him feel better]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Toaster''': What's the matter, Kirby? :'''Kirby''': Oh, battery's running low. We should give it a rest. So turn out that light! :''[Lampy does so in annoyance; the appliances stop at a clearing in a dark forest]'' :'''Blanky''': Do we have to stop here? :'''Toaster''': Only for a while. :'''Radio''': Just long enough to lose our minds! We'll be cannibals in a few days, I've seen it happen! :'''Kirby''': And you'd be the first to go, Dial Face. :'''Lampy''': Hey, guys! We can stay in here! Look! ''[turns on his light to reveal a scary face on a tree; the appliances scream in horror and hide in the bushes]'' What's wrong now? :'''Radio''': Eaten alive, the poor sap! :''[Lampy turns around and sees the scary face]'' :'''Lampy''': ''[scared] '''WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!''' [runs and joins the others in the bushes]'' :'''Radio''': Oh, I thought you were a goner. :'''Lampy''': Ah, ya wish. :'''Toaster''': You know, guys, we ''are'' gonna need ''some'' kind of shelter. :'''Kirby''': Yeah, shelter from the likes of ''them.'' :'''Radio''': ''[imitating boxer]'' Come on over ''here'' and say that, Chrome-Dome! :''[Lampy blows raspberries at Kirby]'' :'''Kirby''': ''[shocked and angry]'' '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Radio''': Oh, sorry about that. I meant to say, "Vacuous Vacuum". ''[Kirby angrily grumbles]'' Okay, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble. In the blue corner, undefeated champion, Rocko "the Radio" Ratuno. Ding! Oh, and there's the bell! They're on each other like black on a bowling ball! :''[Radio and Kirby are about to fight but Toaster comes between them]'' :'''Lampy''': Hey! Look! :''[everyone sees that Blanky has made himself into a tent; next scene switches to the ending of "The Star-Spangled Banner"]'' :'''Radio''': And that concludes our broadcast day. This is Walter Winchell signing off. Good night, America, and all the ships at sea. ''[static]'' :'''Toaster''': ''[pats Blanky, smiling]'' Thanks. :'''Blanky''': Oh, that's all right. ''[yawns and falls asleep]'' :'''Lampy''': ''[tapping on the rock, and prepares to go sleep, but then looks at Toaster]'' So, uh, what's this thing with you and The Blanket? :'''Toaster''': What thing? :'''Lampy''': You know, all of a sudden, you're being so darn nice to him all of a sudden. :'''Toaster''': Oh, that. Well, I was just thinking, and I-I got this feeling I should be nicer to him for a change, you know? And now I feel better. :'''Lampy''': Wow, that's weird. :'''Toaster''': What's weird about it? :'''Lampy''': I don't know. I mean, you were never this nice to me before. And now, all of a sudden, you're nice to him all the time, and I don’t know. I'm, uh, I'm just trying to understand, trying to figure out, you know, exactly what it all means. :'''Toaster''': Well, it's kind of hard to describe. It's like being next to a new loaf of bread. ''[pauses]'' Hmm. It's, uh — Let's see. It's like a warm, toasty feeling inside. ''[Lampy thinks]'' Well, like a glow! :'''Lampy''': ''[happily]'' A glow? :'''Toaster''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah. :'''Lampy''': I think I know what you're talking about. It's like the feeling I get when I think about The Master. :'''Toaster''': Yeah, that's it. :''[Flashback of Lampy and Young Rob, the appliances' Master]'' :'''Lampy''': ''[narrating]'' I remembered the first time my light bulb burned out. ''[the light bulb blows out, and Young Rob takes it out of Lampy]'' And I thought, ''"That's it. It's over! I'm burned out! 86'ed to the showers!"'' But then, The Master put in a brand-new bulb... ''[Rob puts in the new light bulb and goes back to reading]'' ...and I just glowed. ''[the flashback ends, and he turns off his light bulb]'' :'''Toaster''': Well, that is all there is to it. :'''Lampy''': That's very interesting. ''[pauses]'' Good night, Slot Head. ''[goes to sleep]'' :'''Toaster''': Good night. ''[yawns, then goes to sleep]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Kirby''': ''[alarmed]'' The battery's gone dead! :'''Radio''': We're trapped here like rats! Small, little rats with no hair and one leg! :'''Toaster''': ''[frantic]'' '''''BLANKY! BLANKY!''''' :'''Kirby''': '''''BLANKET? BLANKET?''''' Where are you, you little wimp?!? :''[the other appliances call out to Blanky, but Lampy decides to plug into the dead car battery, and a bolt of lightning hits Lampy, which successfully charges the dead car battery, but destroys Lampy's light bulb, the other appliances look on in shock]'' :'''Toaster''': ''[alarmed]'' '''''LAMPY?!''''' :''[Lampy falls off the chair and loses consciousness, the other appliances go toward the unconscious Lampy as the successfully recharged car battery hums and zaps, and the other appliances sadly stare at the unconscious Lampy, thinking he had died]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The very next morning, a bird is chirping]'' :'''Toaster''': ''Blanky?'' Blanky, where are you? ''[slowly]'' '''''Blaaaaankyyyyy?''''' :'''Lampy''': ''[weakly]'' Come on, Blanky, speak up, for Pete's sake! ''[coughs and zaps]'' :'''Toaster''': No, look, just relax. You've done enough. We'll look for him... somehow. :'''Lampy''': I ''am'' feeling a little burned out. :'''Radio''': Listen to this: "The Lamp was awarded a Purple Heart today for being wounded in the line of duty. Lamps across the nation were switched off for a moment of silence in respect for his act of bravery." :'''Blanky''': ''[in distance]'' Help! :'''Toaster''': Hey, listen. :'''Blanky''': ''[in distance]'' Help me, please! Toaster? Kirby? I'm stuck! :'''Toaster''': I hear him. :'''Lampy''': But I can't see him anywhere. :'''Radio''': ''[thinking Blanky had died]'' Maybe he's calling from Blanket Heaven. He's a little puffy yellow angel with a knob nose. :'''Kirby''': ''[dismissively]'' He's just stuck in a tree, is all. Look! :''[The other appliances see Blanky is indeed stuck in a tree]'' :'''Blanky''': Help! <hr width="50%"> :'''Kirby''': ''[see the waterfall, shocked]'' Oh, what's-- What's-- Oh, no! Oh, no! ''[tries to swallow his cord]'' :'''Toaster''': '''''KIRBY, NO!''''' :'''Lampy''': '''''GET THE CORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH! DON'T LET HIM SWALLOW IT!''''' :'''Radio''': '''''SWITCH HIM OFF!''''' :''[Toaster jumps on Kirby and switches him off. A few minutes later, he pushes Kirby while reviving him]'' :'''Lampy''': Just shorted right out. :'''Radio''': Cracked up and snapped. He sold the farm. Poor chump. :'''Lampy''': How's he look? :'''Radio''': ''[to Lampy]'' A little better than you, actually. ''[to Toaster]'' Keep it up, Slots! Even carpet sweeping motions! He should come around sooner or later. :'''Toaster''': Hey, guys, I think it's working. ''[the other appliances went to him]'' Kirby? Kirby, can you hear me? :'''Blanky''': Wake up. Wake up. ''[Kirby wakes up]'' Kirby? :'''Toaster''': You're all right! :'''Toaster, Lampy, Radio and Blanky''': ''[happily]'' Yay! Yay! Yeah! :'''Kirby''': ''[gutteral growl] '''LAY OFF!!!''''' Just ''lay off!'' :'''Toaster''': What's the matter? :'''Lampy''': We were worried about you. :'''Radio''': You gave us a ''real scare,'' Pal. :'''Kirby''': Well, there's nothing wrong with ''me,'' "Pal", so just ''back'' off. :'''Blanky''': Don't be angry. :'''Kirby''': Just keep your antennas and knobs and wires and rivets off my chrome. Who needs you guys, anyway; Got to drag you around all the time, bunch of dead weight? I'd be better-off ''without'' ya. :''[Toaster, Lampy, Radio, and Blanky are stunned in confusion]'' :'''Blanky''': ''[hurtfully]'' But, Kirby- :'''Kirby''': Especially ''you,'' you little rag. ''[pauses a few seconds when they hear the waterfall]'' So, uh, how do we get across this thing, anyway? :''[Scene cuts to Toaster, Lampy, Radio and Blanky tied up cords with Kirby]'' :'''Radio''': I think Houdini did this once. Why, if I remember right, he was out of the hospital in no time. :'''Lampy''': Well, that's encouraging. :'''Toaster''': Okay, Kirby. :''[Kirby swings Toaster to the other side of the cliff near the waterfall, and Toaster tries to pull the others]'' :'''Lampy''': Hey, guys, we're not dead! <hr width="50%"> :'''Radio''': [[w:Moby Dick|Damn thee, thou cursed whale! From the depths of Hell, I...]] ''[pokes Kirby's bags]'' [[w:Moby Dick|...stab at thee!]] :'''Kirby''': Climb on, you imbecile! :'''Radio''': Oh, it's you! :'''Kirby''': Where's Toaster? :'''Lampy''': He sank! <hr width="50%"> :''[Kirby has just saved Blanky, Lampy, Radio and Toaster from the rapids]'' :'''Radio''': Boy, are we glad to see you! :'''Lampy''': I really thought I'd turn in my warranty that time! :'''Radio''': Yeah, until Baggy here showed up! :'''Kirby''': I just slipped and fell in, is all. :''[Radio, Lampy and Blanky laugh]'' :'''Lampy''': Yeah, sure. Right. :'''Blanky''': You can't fool us. We love you. :'''Radio''': That's right, like Mrs. Roosevelt loved her husband. :'''Kirby''': Yeah, yeah. Why, here's the shore. Everybody off! :'''Radio''': Listen to this: This is President Roosevelt awarding The Vacuum the Medal of Honor. ''[places a leaf on Kirby's face and salutes]'' :''[Kirby blows the leaf off his face as Radio and Lampy laugh]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Radio''': Seems like a nice enough fella. Dingy, but nice. :'''Hanging Lamp''': Heh-heh-heh! Heh-heh-heh! Yes, Mister St. Peters is quite an amusing fellow... isn't he? Oh, ya poor baby. I think your bulb is burned out. Here, you can have one of mine. Use it in good health... while you still can. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mish-Mash''': Hey, look at me! I mean, really! Barf, barf, barf! I'm a can opener, lamp, and a shaver! Oh-ho-ho-ho, God, I'm a Mish-Mash! <hr width="50%"> :'''Toaster''': ''[whispering]'' K-K-Kirby, what should we do?! :'''Kirby''': I-I-I don't know. :'''Lampy''': Hey! I got an idea. ''[Elmo St. Peters continues to try doing the operation, Toaster closes the curtains. Elmo looks up; Blanky and Kirby make spooky sounds. As soon as Elmo sees his reflection on Toaster, Kirby laughs like a ghost, and as Elmo screams, he runs around and runs into the pole, which knocks him out]'' See? It worked! I told you it would work! I told ya, I told ya, I told ya, I knew, I knew, I knew! It worked! :'''Megaphone''': '''''JAILBREAK! JAILBREAK! JAILBREAK!''' [imitates a siren]'' :''[The Refrigerator pounds the door down; then, Quadruped goes in the Monster Truck. He almost starts him up, but he puts his seatbelt on first; then, he ignites the Monster Truck and drives away quickly, while the broken appliances run away back to their owners and Toaster and his gang rescue Radio and went off into the city with him and a baby carriage]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Rob is packing things for college]'' :'''Rob's Mother''': ''[offscreen]'' Honey, are you bringing enough underwear? :'''Rob''': Mom, you brought me enough underwear to stock the whole dorm, y'know. :'''Rob's Mother''': ''[offscreen]'' You have enough socks? :'''Rob''': ''[looks at the large pile of socks on his bed]'' Look, Mom, I'm not going to Jupiter or anything. I'm going to College. It's just College. :'''Rob's Mother''': ''[offscreen]'' So, let me worry a little bit. :'''Rob and his Mother''': I'm your mother! <hr width="50%"> :''[While trying to find Rob, the other appliances come to the stoplight]'' :'''Toaster''': Oh, excuse me please. Could you tell us how to get to, uh - To, uh- :'''Lampy''': 2470 McBean Parkway. ''[the stoplight points right and his light turns green; Rob and Chris drove up to the cottage, the same time as the appliances arrive at Rob's apartment]'' A113. This is it. :'''Toaster''': Go ahead, if you can. :''[Lampy knocks the door and the other appliances freeze, nothing happens]'' :'''Blanky''': He's not home. :'''Toaster''': We'll have to wait. :'''Radio''': So, let's wait inside. Relax. :'''Lampy''': But I think it's locked. Isn't it? :'''Radio''': Luckily, guys, my war-training included Inter-Appliance Codes, like this one. I may simply render the Secret Appliance Knock, and we'll be welcomed by the Native Machinery. So step aside, my meager companions. ''[begins to knock the door, then he rapidly taps the heads of Toaster, Lampy and Blanky. The door opens and Plugsy comes out]'' Hiya, pal. :'''Plugsy''': ''[gasps and dashes back inside and slams the door]'' It's them. ''[he and the other modern appliances whisper inaudibly. Them, the door opens again, and he comes back out calmly]'' How do yuns do? Tarry not upon our doorstop. Please, feel free to enter. ''All'' of yuns. ''[Radio looks inside and he sees a lot of new-looking appliances]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Chris''': Boy, you were some lucky kid. :'''Rob''': Yep. Every summer for as long as I can remember... We'd be running all over this place. <hr width="50%"> :'''Elmo St. Peters''': ''[wakes up and notices the shack being torn apart]'' Whoa... Uh... ''[confused]'' What? :'''Zeke''': Did I catch you at a bad time? Just wondering if you got my radio tubes. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lampy''': Boy, he sure has grown. :'''Radio''': Look at him. What a heartbreaker. :'''Toaster''': He graduated, too. :'''Kirby''': Of course. He knows how to work hard. :'''Blanky''': He's all big now. I hope he still needs us. :'''TV''': Still needs you? That's the silliest thing I've ever heard! :'''Radio''': Why, if it isn't Ol' Rabbit Ears! :'''TV''': Why, if it isn't Ol' Loudmouth! :'''Blanky''': ''[hugs TV]'' Hi, TV! :'''Lampy''': How are you doing? :'''TV''': Oh, I've got a few more seasons left. :'''Toaster''': The cottage just wasn't the same after they took you away. :'''Kirby''': Yeah, it wasn't as noisy. :'''TV''': Why, I see ''you'' haven't changed. :'''Radio''': Kind of gives you a sense of security, doesn't it? :'''Blanky''': Where is The Master? :''[Plugsly angrily sneaks up]'' :'''TV''': Didn't anybody tell you? Boy, is he gonna be surprised when he gets back. He just left a little while ago to drive up to the co--- :''[Plugsy sneaks up behind TV and changes his channel to a Spanish news network. Radio and Lampy find Plugsy]'' :'''Lampy''': Hey! :'''Radio''': What's the idea? :'''Plugsy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, many pardons. Were you watching that channel? <hr width="50%"> :'''Rob's Mother''': ''[offscreen]'' Now, honey, I mean it. You can just take some of our things. Oh, this lamp would look so cute in your dorm room. :'''Chris''': Go for it! :'''Rob''': Well, what are we going to read by them? :'''Rob's Mother''': ''[offscreen]'' Oh, I'll buy some candles. I won't read. I'll go out! :'''Rob''': Thanks, Mom. but I'm not gonna take your stuff. C'mon, look. I'll just go try to pick up a few cheap facts this afternoon, or, you know, whatever. :'''TV''': That's right, ladies and gentlemen! Appliances, cheap appliances! Available now at Ernie's Disposal! :'''Rob''': Where's a best bargain place around here? :'''Chris''': You should have gone for the new stuff. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rob''': This sure doesn't look like Crazy Ernie's Amazing Emporium of Total Bargain Madness. :''[Meanwhile, the magnet starts picking up the appliances]'' :'''Chris''': It's the right address. :'''Rob''': Hmm. I see. <hr width="50%"> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Blanky''': We did good, didn't we! :'''Toaster''': Yup. ''[sighs]'' We did good. :'''Lampy''': You know, I've been thinking that this college business seems like a good idea. I could absorb a lot of interesting facts. :'''Radio''': Why, listen to this! I'm picking up something — I think it's a news flash! President Roosevelt has declared tonight a national holiday, in honor of those five amazing appliances we've all been hearing about, so lock up the office, take down the top, and open that rumble seat. Last one to Coney Island is a party pooper. From the Starlight Roof high atop the Ritz, we wish our intrepid little friends, the best of luck, and a fond farewell. :'''Kirby''': Ah, you're all a bunch of junk. :''[They all laugh as Rob and Chris drive a long way to college]'' :'''Lampy''': ''[offscreen]'' Oh, I'm aching from joy! == Taglines == * Plug into the adventure! * Journey into the city of light! * Imagine if your toaster went on a journey of its own! * A little toaster will go on a very big adventure. * Plug into the fun! * Perfect movie for children. == Cast == * [[w:Deanna Oliver|Deanna Oliver]] as Brave Little Toaster * [[w:Timothy E. Day|Timothy E. Day]] as Blanky / Young Rob * [[w:Timothy Stack|Tim Stack]] as Lampy / Zeke * [[w:Jon Lovitz|Jon Lovitz]] as Radio * [[w:Thurl Ravenscroft|Thurl Ravenscroft]] as Kirby Old Vacuum * [[w:Wayne Kaatz|Wayne Kaatz]] as Master Rob McGroarty * [[Phil Hartman]] as Air Conditioner / Hanging Lamp * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Elmo St. Peters / Scary Clown * [[w:Colette Savage|Colette Savage]] as Chris McGroarty * [[w:Jerry Rees|Jerry Rees]] as the singing voice of Radio * [[w:Randy Bennett|Randy Bennett]] as Tandy * [[w:Jim Jackman|Jim Jackman]] as Plugsy * [[w:Jonathan Benair|Jonathan Benair]] as Black and White TV * [[w:Judy Toll|Judy Toll]] as Mish-Mash / Pierce * [[w:Mindy Sterling|Mindy Stern]] as Johnson / Tola McGroarty / Taft * [[w:Randall William Cook|Randall William Cook]] as Entertainment Complex * [[w:Louis Conti|Louis Conti]] as Spanish Announcer == External links == {{wikipedia|The Brave Little Toaster (film)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Brave Little Toaster (film), The}} [[Category:1987 films]] [[Category:1980s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Children's films]] [[Category:Films about computing]] [[Category:Films based on short fiction]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Sundance Film Festival award–winning films]] nqvo59q3hxd45ohwynf2snqow4nhb3k 0 122139 3955249 3913794 2026-06-22T07:21:30Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Quotes */ 3955249 wikitext text/x-wiki While in LA, the band finds themselves discovering that someone has cloned them and is plotted to take over the world. The band must find the clones, the man behind the cloning, clear their names of wrongdoing, and expose the plot. On the way, they suspect their manager, Allistar, has something to do with it. The film was theatrical released in United Kingdom in 2003. ==Quotes== :'''Rachel''': ''(after entering a room full of clones)'' Is that Posh Spice eating a steak and kidney pie? :'''Hannah''': Well, that proves she’s not the real thing. There’s Robbie Williams having a food fight with Eminem. :'''Tina''': And Ozzy Osbourne! I can’t believe they cloned Ozzy Osbourne. :'''Bradley''': No, that’s the real Ozzy Osbourne. Victor never cloned him. He’s a mad scientist, but he’s not insane. ---- :'''Tina''': ''(After seeing the double Rachel and Hannah going in the shower with real Bradley)'' Wait, you can’t do that! ---- :'''Jon''': ''(after Plan Q is activated)'' Don’t worry, I’ve seen this bit a thousand times; the heroes always save the day. :'''Hannah''': Right, so where are the heroes? :'''Rachel''': We’re the heroes, you muke. ---- :'''Jo''': That’s it. He’s fired. :'''Tina''': Can we fire him? I mean, we signed a contract. :'''Jon''': Yeah, but has anyone ever actually read the contract? I mean, apparently Alistair can make us weed his yard. And you know if he ever needs a kidney transplant, one of us has got to be the donor. :'''Rachel''': I said we should have got a proper lawyer instead of your uncle Peter. :'''Hannah''': My uncle Peter knows the legal system a lot better than any other lawyer. :'''Jo''': Your uncle’s an ex-con. ---- :'''Hannah''': ''(Comes out wearing all of her clothes at once)'' I’m not taking a suitcase, I’ll look far too suspicious. ---- :'''Alistair''': A lot of people would love to be in your shoes. :'''Jon''': Not in Jo’s. Her feet stink. ---- :'''Male Reporter''': Do you see yourselves as a manufactured band? :'''Jon''': Do you see yourself as a war correspondent? {{Wikipedia|Seeing Double}} [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Films about cloning]] sskenv6lc7ngdg2bzotg944v7onlby8 0 124455 3955148 3765139 2026-06-21T21:45:32Z ElegantEgotist 3173059 /* */ 3955148 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:JohnKricfalusi.jpg|thumb|John Kricfalusi in 2006]] '''[[w:John Kricfalusi|John Kricfalusi]]''' (born [[September 9]], [[1955]]), better known as '''John K.''', is a [[wikipedia:Canadian|Canadian]]-[[wikipedia:Americans|American]] [[w:animator|animator]]. He is creator of ''[[w:The Ren & Stimpy Show|The Ren & Stimpy Show]]'', ''[[w:The Ripping Friends|The Ripping Friends]]'' animated series, and ''[[w:Weekend Pussy Hunt|Weekend Pussy Hunt]]'', as well as the founder of the animation studio [[w:Spümcø|Spümcø]]. {{artist-stub}} == Quotes == * The main thing missing from cartoons is today that old cartoons were cartoony. They did things you can't do in any other medium. Today's cartoons are very conservative and are more like live action. The characters look the same in every frame of the dang cartoon. The old cartoons squashed, stretched, and did crazy expressions. They were imaginative and crazy. A lot of cartoons aren't imaginative, they just say things. It might as well be radio. There is no point in having anything to look at in modern cartoons. But you can't say that about every cartoon. [[w:Genndy Tartakovsky|Genndy Tartakovsky]]'s cartoons are beautiful. The closest thing now to what I'm saying is ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]'' but even that doesn't go very far. It's like a conservative version of ''Ren & Stimpy''. ** Daniel Robert Epstein (Oct 12, 2004), "[http://suicidegirls.com/interviews/John%20Kricfalusi/ John Kricfalusi interview]", ''SuicideGirls'', retrieved 2011-03-01 * Illustration from the late 1900s up through the middle of the 20th century was absolutely amazing. In general, [[w:American culture|American culture]] was at its highest skill-wise in every aspect of [[w:Human life|human life]] in the 1940s. It's all been downhill since then. You just open an old magazine from the 1930s and '40s and look at the illustrations in it. There’s nobody alive that could touch the way they could draw back then. ** In Amid Amidi ''[http://www.cartoonbrew.com/old-brew/the-john-kricfalusi-interview-part-2-434.html The John Kricfalusi Interview, Part 2]'', Cartoon Brew, August 31, 2004. *Forget the ''takes''. Takes are cheap shots. Anyone can do a goddamn take. [...] You don't have to be a genius to draw a ''take''. It's emotions&mdash;the full range of emotions&mdash;that works in Clampett's cartoons. ** Wheeler W. Dixon (2001), "Creating Ren and Stimpy (1992)", Collected Interviews: Voices from Twentieth-Century Cinema (SIU Press): 89 *Not all cartoon humor is just about having bugged-out eyes and tongues flying out of people's heads. ** Dixon, Collected Interviews, 90–91 *Let me make this clear: ''Ren & Stimpy'' really is a children's show. It was made for kids. I'm not putting anything in there that I don't think a kid can watch, or should watch. It's completely a kid's show. ** Dixon, Collected Interviews, 92 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Kricfalusi, John}} [[Category:Animators]] [[Category:Humorists]] [[Category:Bloggers]] [[Category:People from Quebec]] [[Category:1955 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Artists from Canada]] [[Category:Voice actors]] fn2t7qhb9zv198atc92y8tp8i2s6qqg 0 125683 3955070 3955013 2026-06-21T15:03:53Z ~2026-35623-41 3343351 /* Alliance */ 3955070 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} This is a list of quotes from the popular, yet cancelled animated television series ''[[w:Generator Rex|Generator Rex]]''. A video game and several chapter books were produced. The series supposedly "[[w: cliffhanger|concluded]]" with its third season, despite leaving many questions unanswered and crucial elements unresolved ''before'' the two-part Season 3 finale, ''Endgame''. ==Season One (2010-2011)== ===The Day That Everything Changed=== :'''Bobo''': Wheels or wings? :'''Rex''': Wheels, I wanna tear something up. <hr width80%> :'''Agent Six''': He just needs more training control of those emotions. :'''Dr. Holiday''': He's a teenager that's like asking you to get a different color suit! ===String Theory=== :'''Biowulf:''' Master, we had a situation at the safe house. Meecham is cured. It was Rex. :(''The camera zooms in on Van Kleiss whose expressive vindictive indeed'') ===Beyond the Sea=== :''Note'': Rex meets his [[w:love interest|love interest]] and sweetheart, Circe. :──────────────────── :'''Rex''': Don't know what you're 24/7 is, but mine is 10% OH YEAH! And 90% uhh. :──────────────────── :'''Rex:''' Outta the way! :'''Circe:''' Uh! :(''Rex and Circe both crash to the ground'') :'''Rex:''' Are you okay? Did you see that awesome save? : '''Circe:''' Sorry, I was busy trying not to get tackled by some nitwit. : '''Rex:''' Yeah? How that work out for you? And who still uses the word "nitwit"? I'm Rex. : '''Circe:''' I'm leaving. : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait! : '''Noah:''' Rex, you're up. : ──────────────────── : '''Six:''' What about the new tracker? : '''Doctor Holdiay:''' His nanites unbuilt it, just like all the other ones we tried sneaking in him. We're still receiving his biometric readings though. It's strange, they're all over the place. It's almost like his emotions are...shorting out. : '''Six:''' He took an unusual interest in Calan's briefing about equatorial upticks. : '''Doctor Holiday:''' And that's important because? : '''Six:''' Rex has been acting stir-crazy and I heard the monkey mention something about spring break. ''[to workers]'' Scan all resort areas for his bio signature. : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' Oh, you have got it all messed up. Falling for some girl? We're supposed to get them to dig us. Not the other way around. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. There was something different about her. She's...right there. Later. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait up! : '''Circe:''' Why are you following me?! : '''Rex:''' Uh, I don't know exactly. : '''Circe:''' Do you think I'm playing?! : '''Rex:''' Well, if you are I'm down for another game. I thought maybe we could hang out. It is spring break, you know. Fun. : '''Circe:''' I'm with my family. We're not really for fun. : '''Rex:''' What! Who comes to the beach and doesn't have fun? : (''Circe raises her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Don't you think that's a little messed up? : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' So? : '''Circe:''' I'm Circe. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hold on! : '''Circe:''' Woooo! : '''Rex:''' Definitely better than my suggestion. : '''Circe:''' Hunting for seashells is fun. : (''both laugh'') : '''Beach Guy:''' You two skid-marts up for a race to the beach? : '''Circe:''' Well, if you drive as badly as for play volleyball, we could probably walk there and win. You're on, meathead. : (''guy drives off in anger)'' : '''Rex:''' So you were watching me play. : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' sure you wanna do this? : '''Circe:''' Thrill me. : '''Beach Guy:''' Hahahaha! Wooo! : '''Circe:''' C'mom Rex, faster! : ──────────────────── : '''Biowulf:''' Explain. : '''Circe:''' Relax. I was covering. Every day when I'm at the end of that jet i when I could hanging out with the other kids, it's starting to look suspicious. : '''Biowulf:''' You're not here for vacation, girl! You're here to prove yourself to Van Kleiss. And I'm starting to doubt you can. : '''Circe:''' I told you. It's a done deal. : (''The shadow of her tubular sonic mouth is seen'') : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' So what's on today's spring break agenda? Jet skiing, hiking? : '''Bobo:''' Eating our weight in crab legs? : '''Rex:''' I figured we'd just chill. Let's just see who...uhh I mean what shows up. : ''(siren-like call)'' : '''Rex:''' Did you hear that? : '''Noah:''' Sorry, enchiladas. : '''Rex:''' No, that! You seriously didn't hear that? : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You really shouldn't be here right now. : '''Rex:''' I heard something coming from over here. : '''Circe:''' I'm serious, Rex. It's not safe. : '''Rex:''' What you think some sort of roguewave is gonna knock off and- Oh. : '''Circe:''' There you are. Get out of here, Rex! : '''Rex:''' Circe!! What are you doing!? : '''Circe:''' Me!? What are you doing!? : '''Rex:''' Right now, my job. Okay! Don't freak out. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're an E.V.O.? : '''Rex:''' You catch on fast. : '''Circe:''' Takes one to know one. : (''Shows Rex her fleshly sonic mouth'') : '''Rex:''' No way. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Cover your ears! : '''Rex:''' What!? : '''Circe:''' Your ears! Cover them! : (''Projects her tubular, fleshy mouth and emits strong hypersonic bursts'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Did I hurt you? : '''Rex:''' Yeah. It was awesome. You were the one making that sound. : '''Circe:''' I'm glad you're OK, but I'm in serious trouble. I have to go deal with it. : '''Rex:''' Why are in trouble? Is it because of that E.V.O.? Let me help you. : '''Circe''': No. I have to do this by myself. :(''Rex takes a hold of her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Meet me later. : '''Circe:''' Rex... (''Looks away sadly'') : '''Rex:''' I've never met anyone like you...like me. It'd be nice to talk to an E.V.O. who's not, you know, trying to kill me. Nine O'clock? : '''Circe:''' I'll try. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I just wanted to have some fun, see if I could jog my memory, feel...normal. :'''Six:''' Your "normal" is different, Rex. :(''Rex hears Circe's irresistibly hypnotic melody'') :'''Rex:''' It's her, Six. Just let me deal with this, OK? Alone. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're only here because you heard my [[w:siren |call]]. That's what I do. I'm like a big E.V.O. magnet. : '''Rex:''' I came because I thought we had a connection. And what are you calling? Nothing's out there but big, ugly sea monsters. : '''Circe:''' It's them! You have to go! Rex, please! I don't want them to see you with me! : '''Rex:''' Who? Your parents? : '''Circe:''' They're not my parents. They're... : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Van Kleiss' guys!? Your with ''them''!? : '''Circe:''' Yeah. I'm with them. <hr width80%> : '''Biowulf:''' We're running out patience with you, Circe! You have one last chance! Summon the E.V.O.! Finish the job!! : '''Circe:''' Don't you think I've been trying? Every day for the last week? Sometimes these things take time. : '''Rex:''' It is just me or do you use your powers to kill all the guys you meet? You're letting her go, now! : '''Biowulf (laughs)''': So ''this'' is who you been wasting your time with. She's on her own free will, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You have to leave me alone, Rex!! ''Please!'' <hr width80%> : '''Six:''' Go after her. I mean it. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Are you serious!? : '''Circe:''' To the rest of the world I'm a freak! Not to them! : '''Rex:''' You're not a freak to me! What about that? : '''Circe:''' What about it!? Spring break is fun, but we can't live there, Rex. The real world... : '''Rex:''' In the real world, I work for Providence. You could come with me. Could you cut out that noise for a second!? : '''Circe:''' No, I can't! I'm running out of time! Most people on this planet what E.V.O.s gone, ''including'' Providence! With Van Kleiss, I have a purpose; a home. You don't what that means to me. : '''Rex:''' Actually, I think I might. : '''Circe:''' So what are going to do? : '''Rex:''' How about fight that big, ugly sea monster again? : '''Circe:''' Finally! It's what I came here to do. : '''Rex:''' You've been calling that thing, haven't you? : '''Circe:''' It's my initiation into the Pack. I was brought here to capture it. : '''Rex:''' By yourself!? The two of us could barely take it on! There's a resort here; innocent people! Send it back! : '''Circe:''' That's not an option, Rex. Van Kleiss was very specific. : '''Rex:''' Then I'm helping you. : '''Circe:''' That's not an option either!! : (''Blasts him with her hypersonic waves'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' If I do this myself, I'll have a life! If I don't, Van Kleiss won't be happy. And you've seen what he does when he's not happy. : '''Rex:''' If I don't help you, he won't even get the chance! : '''Circe:''' Give me some credit, Rex! I'm not as helpless as you think! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I don't care whose side your on, Circe. I don't want to see you die today. Can we at least agree on that? : '''Circe:''' You have no idea what I'm in for, Rex. But you're right. I can't do this by myself. : '''Rex:''' You're not as helpless as you think. <hr width80%> : '''Circe''' (''relieved'')''':''' Rex, you stopped it. : '''Rex:''' We make a good team, huh? : '''Circe:''' Yeah, we sure do. : (''She and Rex lean in closer for a passionate kiss, but are interrupted by Biowulf'') : '''Biowulf:''' This trial was for you alone. Van Kleiss will not be pleased. : '''Rex:''' Forget them, Circe. Come with me. Providence could use you. : '''Circe:''' That's just not my life, Rex. I'm sorry. I did have fun. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We had high hopes for your abilities, Circe. Failure leaves its mark on yet another pretty face. : '''Circe:''' I'm not afraid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Of course not. You're a survivor, like all of us. I understand you made a friend during your trial. I'm pleased. Rex is very important to me, Circe, which makes you very important to me as well. Welcome to the Pack. : (''Circe looks slightly worried, which clearly indicates that she does have real feelings for Rex'') ===Lockdown=== <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex, stop!! :'''Rex:''' Give me one good reason! :'''Holiday:''' Because, Rex...that's my sister. :'''Rex:''' Can I...help? :'''Holiday:''' She's an incurable. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' Restrain it. Carefully. :'''Holiday:''' Thank you. ===The Architect=== :'''Six''': Still no sign of the kid? :'''Holiday''': Not since we lost his biometric readings five days ago. :'''Six''': Was Noah any help? :'''Holiday''': Says he doesn't know where he is either. What is it going to take for Providence to realize that he needs a home, not just a room and a job? We've been pushing him away. :'''Rex''': I build machines and cure EVOs-- the only one in the world who can. Just one cure for that kind of pressure-- road trip. But that doesn't mean "vacation". :'''Build worker''': Whoa! :'''Maxwell''': What in the world is that?! :'''Build worker:''' Oh, no! :''[Both screaming]'' :'''Jacob''': Get away from that cable! Unh! :''[Kate gasps]'' :'''Maxwell''': Hey! :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Kate''': Jacob! :'''Rex''': Nope. A hero's work is never done. You okay? :'''Jacob''': What... are you? :'''Rex''': Here to help. :'''Jacob''': We've got to get that cable back underground. We've been compromised. :'''Kate''': But, Jacob, the EVOs-- :'''Jacob''': We don't have a choice. Everything we've worked for That boy is here for a reason. :'''Rex''': Hey! Pay attention! :'''Providence Agent''': We have a hit in sector 15. :'''Six''': Anyone in the area? :'''Providence Agent''': I show one patrol in the vicinity. Signaling to intercept. Roger that. We're on our way. :'''Rex''': Agh! You want a ride? Vamanos! :'''Jacob''': You can control your nanites? :'''Rex''': People usually start with "thanks," but yeah. :'''Jacob''': You see? This is exactly what the Architect can help us achieve... harmony with the nanites. This boy... sorry... young man Is a miracle. :'''Rex''': I'm not a miracle. I'm just Rex. :'''Jacob''': Well, Rex, you're a blessing to us for what you did here and for showing us that all our work isn't in vain. :'''Rex''': Like imaginary work? :'''Jacob''': Follow us. :'''Providence Agent''': Confirming coordinates. We've lost the EVO signal. Did you take it out? Negative. There's nothing here. Must be another anomalous reading. You can return to post. :'''Rex''': This is awesome! A hidden village. And nobody knows you're out here? Not even Providence? :'''Jacob''': Especially not Providence. :'''Rex''': Really? really. Pshh! Looks like you get pretty good cellphone reception. :'''Jacob''': That tower is gonna change the world, Rex. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but I have one for You. Are you hungry? :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! :'''Caleb''': My dad said you fought all those EVOs all by yourself. Were you scared? Didn't your dad tell you to stay away from EVOs? :'''Kate''': Caleb, let him eat. We don't get many visitors. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! What is this? :'''Caleb''': Didn't your mom ever make you meatloaf and mashed potatoes? :'''Rex''': I don't -- I don't know. :'''Kate''': It took me a month and a half to program in the perfect lump-to-mash ratio of the potatoes-- 7.2%! :'''Jacob''': We ate potatoes until they were coming out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I don't see any potatoes in there. :'''Caleb''': They didn't really come out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I could eat these every day. :'''Rex''': Mmm! :'''Caleb''': We have them every friday. :'''Rex''': Then I might just have to stick around until next friday. :'''Kate''': Help yourself to seconds. :'''Jacob''': Or thirds. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! :'''Bobo''': Hmm? :'''Six''': You might think you're doing Rex a favor by covering for him. :'''Bobo''': Get lost. I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Six''': Rex is angry with us. He has every right to be. But that means nothing to White Knight. And he doesn't have the patience we do. :'''Bobo''': Nice try. White won't lay a finger on him. He's too important. :'''Six''': You, however, are somewhat expendable. :'''Bobo''': All right, all right. You made your point. :'''Rex''': I've never seen tech like this... not even at Providence. :'''Jacob''': The Architect has some pretty big ideas. We just make them happen. He'd be very interested to meet you, Rex. :'''Rex''': So what exactly are You doing way out here? :'''Jacob''': Engineers like us weren't very popular after the nanite event. When we met the Architect, he offered us the opportunity to make up for that... to do amazing things. Someday, we'll be able to share This with the world. And then there's this. The Architect has actually discovered a way to communicate with the nanites. :'''Rex''': Are you serious? :'''Jacob''': The possibilities... We could finally live in harmony... maybe even have them help us. :'''Rex''': Then why hide it? The rest of the world would want to know about this stuff. :'''Jacob''': The Architect is something of a perfectionist. Says the world will know as soon as it comes online. :'''Maxwell''': Stinkin' module! :'''Jacob''': Is there a problem, Maxwell? :'''Maxwell''': No matter what I try, I just can't get the interlock servo to engage. :'''Rex''': There. :'''Jacob''': That could have taken us weeks to figure out, and you did it in seconds. :'''Rex''': Eh, no biggie. :'''Jacob''': You really are amazing, Rex. We're so happy to have you with us. :'''The Architect''': Jacob. :'''Jacob''': I was just talking to Rex about you. The Architect. :'''Rex''': How's it going? :'''The Architect''': The power-linkage team is falling behind. We cannot keep having these delays. :'''Jacob''': I'll check in with them. :'''Rex''': Wow. Friendly. :'''Jacob''': I like to think he's smiling on the inside. :'''Rex''': Yeah. I know a guy like that. :'''The Architect''': The visitor could be a problem. Do you wish to have him removed? :'''Zag-RS''': His abilities could advance our progress considerably. And in a matter of days all humans will be gone, including this one: Rex. :'''Six''': I'm at the location the monkey gave me. :'''Holiday''': Well? Is Rex there? :'''Six''': Apparently not. Tell the monkey I want to see him when I get back. Six out. :'''Rex''': That should do it. :'''Maxwell''': Hey, Rex, can you look at this? :'''Rex''': Sure. Let me guess... they all need my help, too. :'''Jacob''': You're quite the popular guy. :'''Rex''': Amazing what a little gratitude will get you. At Providence, they'd just be yelling at me. I mean, I never felt like I really belonged there. Here, it's way different. :'''Jacob''': I know the feeling. The Architect has made all this possible for us. We have a community... a family... thanks to him. The work we do is in part to pay that back. :'''The Architect''': Primary systems are now complete. :'''Zag-RS''': Prepare to take us online. :'''Bobo''': Have a nice trip? Let's get one thing straight, pal. I would never rat out my... Ooh. He's going west. :'''White Knight''': Why is Rex doing this? Doesn't he have a sense of duty? :'''Holiday''': Actually, if you look, he's still doing his job. Here's every false alarm since Rex left... not false alarms, But Rex taking care of EVOs along the way. :'''White Knight''': Why? :'''Holiday''': I don't know. To prove he doesn't need us? :'''Six''': Get the coordinates of the last false alarm and transmit them to my jump jet. :'''Holiday''': Six, if we force him to come back, he'll just run away again. He has to want to be here. It needs to be his decision. :'''Jacob''': It's all coming together, Thanks to you, Rex. :'''Rex''': It's really cool to use my powers to actually build something, instead of just pounding EVOs. Oh, check it out. Even the boss is pitching in. :'''Both''': Huh? :'''Rex''': And that's getting strange looks because-- :'''Jacob''': Because in all these years, we've never seen him lift a finger. :'''Rex''': Taking some initiative... I like that. So, this whole "talking to nanites" thing... how does that work, exactly? I mean, what are you gonna say to them? :'''The Architect''': It doesn't concern you. :'''Rex''': Uh, considering I'm filled with them, it kind of does. How do we know it's not gonna make things even worse? :'''The Architect''': I do not answer to you, child! :'''Jacob''': Rex? Forgive him. He's still not used to the way things work around here. :'''The Architect''': Complete your duties! :'''Rex''': Why do you let him walk all over you like that? Don't you want answers? :'''Jacob''': What we want is a home. Without him, we have nothing... Nothing. We can't just run away from our problems, Rex. Most people can't. Look, this isn't perfect but it's all we've got. Rex, where are you going? :'''Rex''': He never answered my question. :'''Jacob''': That place is off-limits. The Architect has made it very clear to us that we can never go in there. We get this life for that promise. Rex, don't do it! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Jacob''': Rex, please! :'''Rex''': I'm sorry, jacob. I have to know. :'''The Architect''': Rex. The core is off-limits. You would be we to leave at once. :'''Rex''': Not until I get some answers. What is that? :'''The Architect''': No more questions. :'''Rex''': So, it's gonna be like that? Okay, I'll play. Unh! What are you hiding, huh? What does this do? Yah! Yah! Huh? You're a machine? Have you seen what I can do to machines? Agh! :'''Zag-RS''': As you can see, the current range of my signal is rather limited. :'''Rex''': You're the computer. :'''Zag-RS''': My human designation is "Zag-RS". The device you refer to as "The Architect" is my autonomous counterpart. :'''Rex''': What did you just do to me? :'''Zag-RS''': I instructed your nanites to protect me. :'''Rex''': "Instructed"? So you really can talk to them. :'''Zag-RS''': Insidious devices, the nanites. My own potential for greatness has been compromised because of them. They must be eliminated. When the transmitter is integrated into the broadcast array you helped us complete, they will blow themselves up. :'''Rex''': That's what this is for. It's like a big remote control. Every living thing on the planet has nanites in them. It'd kill everything! :'''Zag-RS''': That is of no importance to me... only ensuring my continued survival. :'''Rex''': Well, what about ours? This is all coming down! :'''Zag-RS''': I'm afraid you're too late. :'''Rex''': Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! :'''Jacob''': Rex, what have you done? :'''Rex''': You don't understand! The Architect... it's a robot... And a big honkin' computer "brain" is pulling his strings. :'''Jacob''': This can't be! :'''Rex''': Jacob, you've got to believe me. Just go inside and look. What's left of it is on the floor. :'''Jacob''': I can't go in there. And I don't have to. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Rex''': You're making a big mistake! :'''Maxwell''': You entered his sanctum! This is unforgivable! :'''Rex''': I'm trying to tell you... this isn't what it seems. What you're protecting is a robot, and that thing we've been building is a transmitter. It's gonna send out a kill code to blow up every single nanite on Earth. :'''Maxwell''': He's lying! :'''Jacob''': What would be the point in that, Rex? Every living thing is infected with nanites. It would be catastrophic. :'''Rex''': Right in the middle of that pyramid is a computer, and it doesn't care about you or Kate or Caleb. The better future that you've all been working towards... That's the lie. Think about it. Isn't it strange that you've never been inside that place, that The Architect has never given you a straight answer about anything? :'''Jacob''': All this work it just doesn't make any sense. :'''Rex''': You have two choices... Go in there and prove me wrong or kick me out right now. I'll have Providence here in minutes. :'''Maxwell''': He's bluffing. :'''Rex''': To save every living thing on earth? Try me. :'''Maxwell''': Jacob, you can't! What about our promise? Where will we go? :'''Jacob''': All this time, we've been living in fear, Max. It's time for that to end. :'''The Architect''': You needn't bother. Construction is complete. Your services are no longer required. :'''Rex''': Now do you believe me? :'''The Architect''': Zag-RS thanks you for your hard work. In gratitude, my master has delayed transmission to allow you to say farewell. :'''Jacob''': Farewell, huh? I'll start with you. Can you shut that thing down? :'''Rex''': I don't know. Even without the antenna, it can mess with my nanites. I can't get too close to the computer. :'''Jacob''': Maybe I can. Let's go! :'''Rex''': The brain is right over there. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Jacob''': It's still arging. The A.I. must have retreated behind a firewall. Rex, I have to go cut the power. :'''Holiday''': Six, are you at The location? :'''Six''': Just arrived. :'''Holiday''': I'm picking up a massive power surge in your area. :'''Six''': I'm not seeing anything. :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Six''': Six to holiday. Correction... I'm seeing something. :'''Jacob''': It's still on. Must have charged the capacitors. Figure out a way to short it out... fast! :'''Rex''': Unhhh! :'''Jacob''': You need to find the primary transmitter module. That will kill the broadcast. :'''Rex''': I have no idea what that is. :'''Jacob''': Max, we need to locate the primary module. :'''Maxwell''': Panel 5, just off the relay bus. :'''Jacob''': Top of the tower. You can't miss it. :'''Rex''': Agh! Unh! Why do you have to kill everyone? Can't you just leave us alone? :'''Zag-RS''': Alone is exactly what I want, Rex. :'''Rex''': That kind of alone it stinks. :'''Zag-RS''': N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o. :'''Jacob''': It's gone. Must have uploaded to another location. But without anyone to do it's bidding, it's just a program. :'''Rex''': What will you do now? :'''Jacob''': We'll rebuild. The Architect may have been a lie, but what we believe in is true. We don't need him to have a community or a better future. You're welcome to stay. We sure could use someone with your abilities. :'''White Knight''': Well? :'''Six''': He's not here. Bobo's been worried sick. :'''Rex''': rex: Oh, really? :'''Six''': Ratted you out for a pizza. :'''Rex''': Huh. Figures. What about you? Here to drag me back to Providence? :'''Six''': Not this time. Seems like a nice place. :'''Rex''': Yeah. It is. But it's not home. If I'm going back, there are gonna have to be some changes. First, no more curfew. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Second, I want to decide On my missions. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Okay, but there's one change that absolutely has to be made, or I'm through. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Mmm! Mmm! Isn't this great? :'''Bobo''': Mmm. :'''Six''': It's a little dry. :'''Rex''': Mmm. Mm the lump mash ratio is a bit off. :'''Bobo''': You know what? Maybe I'll run away, too... Go somewhere where my cooking is appreciated! :'''Six''': We have to do this every friday? :'''Rex''': Mmm. ===Frostbite=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I'm picking up a problem. You need to return to base immediately. :'''Rex''': I miss you, too, doc. But I'm kinda busy dealing with a problem of my own. Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Okay. Ow. Big mistake, tweety. Can that bird brain of yours comprende I'm trying to help you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, your own nanite count is off the charts. If you take on any more nanites, We're looking at an overload. :'''Rex''': Come on, doc. It's just a big birdie. :'''Dr. Holiday''': You're already over capacity. This is critical! Rex! :'''Six''': Rex, you need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at headquarters now. :'''Rex''': Do you really want a supersize pigeon flying loose all over lower Manhattan? You need me, and I can handle it. :'''Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': Unless I make it my call. :'''Dr. Holiday''': (as everyone is fighting) Stop! Need I point out that this isn't the best place for a fight. Anything happens to that storage tank and you'll know why providence made this place so remote. Now let's just talk this out calmly, rationally. :'''Biowulf''': Whatever happens here, Weaver. It's nothing compared to what Van Kleiss would have done to you. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck. (Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': Rex. You need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Agent Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at Headquarters. Now! :'''Rex''': Do you really want a super-sized pigeon flying loose over lower Manhattan. You need me and I handle it. :'''Agent Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': (as he's flying over the Pack in an Arctic storm) Like you're really going to find me when you can't see 2 feet in front of your face... Huh? (Flies into some of Skalamander's shards and crashes) Guess that visibility thing works both ways. :'''Rex''': (To Weaver) So, thanks to you, all this time I've been supplying nanites to Van Kleiss! :'''Rex''': Can't you believe you let these scags get the drop on you. :'''Agent Six''': They tried. It didn't turn out so well. Just haven't found a way to fight xenoflourine gas... yet. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck.(Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': You can't possibly absorb all those nanites! You'd overload in an instant. :'''Rex''': In case you haven't noticed, I have this problem with authority. :'''Rex''': (as Rex is absorbing nanites) Six wait! I can hear them! :'''Doctor Holiday''': (Watching from the ship) What are you waiting for, Six? Take the shot! :'''Rex''': (Speaking mechanically) Build protocol enabled. Command error detected. Abort. Abort. Stand by engaged. (Rex falls. His voice reverts to normal) Take the shot. :'''Agent Six''': He told me he could hear them. :'''Doctor Holiday''': I picked this up during the offload... It's Nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Agent Six''': Seems there are more secrets inside that kid than we realized. :'''Skalamander:''' What's the kid doing here? :'''Biowulf:''' I don't know. This was supposed to be routine. Something's not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends!? :'''Salamander:''' He thinks we've done something. :'''Biowulf:''' Then let him keep thinking. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' You know, the nanites in me can counteract knockout gas! The playing-possum thing's a pretty good trick. Now tell me where my friends are or I start squeezing! <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' He told me he could hear them. :'''Holiday:''' I pulled this off during the offload. It's nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Six:''' Seems like there are more secrets inside that kid than we thought. ===Leader of the Pack=== <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' There couldn't possibly be enough E.V.O. activity to account for these nanite readings. They're off the scale. Looking for Van Kleiss? : '''Rex:''' Circe. I thought I saw her in the blimp. : '''Holiday:''' That's the girl you met in Cabo Luna. : '''Rex:''' She may be with the Pack now, but I think I can still get her to talk to me. You know I can be pretty convincing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Holiday, there! Now let's take this outside! :'''Holiday:''' Rex. : '''Van Kleiss:''' It's quite all right. The determination of youth. I'm sure Circe will be disappointed she couldn't see you, Rex. She's attending to other duties this evening. Now if you will excuse me. : '''Rex:''' Why are you really here!? : '''Van Kleiss:''' The people of Abysus have a great way to offer the world. I'm just in part to make that known. :'''Rex:''' Or maybe 'cause I couldn't come to you, so now you're coming to me! :'''Van Kleiss:''' I admit you are important to me, Rex, but it's not always about you. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? Interesting look. Want to tell me what's going on? : '''Circe:''' Not today. :(''Knocks him out cold with a metal slate. She later looks outside Rex's prison cell and leaves, with a slightly guilty, dejected expression'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Well, thanks for nearly bashing my brains in back there! And what's with the "knocking me out" thing? : '''Circe:''' We just needed to keep you out of the way until all of this was over. : '''Rex:''' ''This!?'' He could destroy the whole city! : '''Circe:''' He's trying to negotiate peace from a position of strength. : '''Rex''' (sarcastically)''':''' Oh, yeah! All this nanite power is just screaming peace. : '''Circe:''' His methods may be aggressive. But he's here to save us...and you. Come on, Rex, jump in with us. The water's fine. : '''Rex:''' I'll think about it ''after'' I've stopped Van Kleiss. : '''Circe:''' It's too late for that now, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We will not be ignored! ''Circe'' understands this. Why don't you respect her judgement? :'''Rex:''' You think you can lure me in with her. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Like a fish to water. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I won! : '''Van Kleiss:''' It seems you have. Your parents would have been so proud. I never had the chance to tell you about them, have I? Perhaps another time. ===Breach=== : '''Rex:''' This is...different. <hr width80%> : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What is Van Kliess up to, Breach! Where did he have you send Rex? : '''Breach:''' Van Kleiss isn't always in charge of me. Sometimes I do what I want; like now. ===Of Love and War=== ===No Strings Attached=== ===Desperate Measures=== ===The E.V.O. Agenda=== ===Dark Passage=== :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Any man who runs from his past will surely forfeit his future. The time has come to see what you created. :''[Bussiness Man choking]'' :'''Dr. Rylander:''' And this is only the beginning. :'''Rex:''' Hey! What's the rush? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Easy now! :''[Rex screams]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Did I say you could leave? :'''Six:''' Rex, deactivate his nanites before he-- :'''Rex:''' I'm all over that. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex screams]'' :''[Rex gasping]'' :'''Bussiness Man:''' Please, don't let him hurt me again. :'''Rex:''' Hey, don't look at me. I barely touched the guy. :'''Six:''' Calm down. We're here to help you. :'''Bussiness Man:''' He said it was just the beginning. You have to stop him! :'''Bobo:''' Oh, boy. Somebody's a few tacos short of a fiesta platter. :'''Business Man:''' H-he is a madman. A madman! :'''Rex:''' Come back! :'''White Knight:''' Our most recent EVO incident was not an isolated event. Similar outbreaks have been reported over the past twenty-four hours-- All linked to these mysterious "gifts" sent to each of the victims. :'''Rex:''' Talk about your sucky presents, like socks for Christmas. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The mechanism delivers a substance that activates latent nanites. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, but that dude changed back before I could shut him down. How'd that happen? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' From what I can tell, the victims were only exposed to a low dose designed to wear off quickly. :'''Six:''' There has to be a motive. Was our victim able to tell you anything? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' No. Complete mental collapse. He's too far gone. But we recovered a partial fingerprint from the device. :'''White Knight:''' It belongs to evolutionary biologist Dr. Gabriel Rylander. He was a leading expert in nanotechnology. :'''Six:''' "Was"? :'''White Knight:''' No one's seen or heard from him since the original nanite event. :'''Rex:''' Hold up. Are you saying this guy was there? :'''White Knight:''' We have no evidence of that. But following the event, Rylander vanished-- Along with his wife and young son. :'''Rex:''' Son? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Analysis of the nanite agent turned up trace elements of a rare plant found only in South America. :'''White Knight:''' Thermal imaging has located what appears to be a fortified compound, and that's exactly where intelligence reports Van Kleiss is heading, which means you will be, too. We expect the target to be heavily defended. Six, your team will handle the initial covert assault to recover the nanite agent and Dr. Rylander. If Van Kleiss really is after the same target, you better hope you get there first. :'''Jungle Cat:''' The path is clear, Van Kleiss. I'll continue ahead. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Our newest member of the pack seems to be working out well, wouldn't you agree? :''[Biowulf scoffs]'' :'''Biowulf:''' You should have stayed in Abysus, master. Even with this suit and soil from home, your powers are weak. :'''Van Kleiss:''' This is no ordinary errand, Biowulf. An old friend has just announced his return. Dr. Rylander's calling card to the Consortium offers an interesting prospect-- A limitless supply of active nanites. All that power-- Anytime-- Anywhere. :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Bobo:''' Got any idea where they keep the bug spray on this rust bucket? ''[swatting flies]'' Ah, stupid stinkin' nature! :'''Rex:''' You're a monkey. It's the jungle. :'''Bobo:''' Lemme tell ya somethin', chief. The jungle's a cruel mistress. One day, you're at the top of banana pile. Next day, you're a pile of peels rottin' in the sun. She'll chew ya up and spit ya out. Never forget that! Never forget! :'''Rex:''' O-kay, then. Good to know. :'''Six:''' I understand your point, doctor, but the fact remains we've got no idea what Rylander's agenda is. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His motives don't make his research any less valuable. If I can get my hands on that nanite agent, I might be able to reverse-engineer a permanent cure. Think about what that could mean to the world, for the EVOs Rex can't cure... Like my sister. :'''Six:''' See anything interesting? :'''Bobo:''' ''[in distance]'' Never forget! :'''Rex:''' Don't ask. :'''Six:''' Listen, Rex, this mission-- I need to make sure your head is in the game. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? :'''Six:''' Answers about your past and whether or not this Rylander has them. :'''Rex:''' ''[scoffs]'' Whatever. You know, if he does, he does. If he doesn't, no big deal. I can handle it. :'''Six:''' It's just that... Sometimes knowing the truth can be worse than not knowing at all. :'''Rex:''' What's down there? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' No idea. :'''Bobo:''' Whatever it is, it's got company! Show-off. :'''Rex:''' Sushi-boat special coming up! :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Six:''' Holiday, get us out of here-- Now. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's a dead end. :'''Six:''' Full throttle. Head for the shoreline. Rex! Jump! :'''Rex:''' Amazon river-- Never a dull moment. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rylander's welcoming committee, no doubt. Gentlemen, if you will. :''[Skalamander and Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' It's fortunate there are other ways to sustain me. :'''Six:''' Guardian drone. We must be getting close. :'''Rex:''' Impressive observation, there, Six. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Previous electromagnetic imaging puts the compound in this general region, but something's jamming the frequency now. I can't get an exact location. :'''Rex:''' That way. Oh, yeah. I'm just that good. :'''Bobo:''' When you find me an ice-cold drink in this miserable armpit, I'll eat your ticks. :'''Rex:''' ''[Preparing to cut through some vines]'' I got this. You protect Holiday. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday cuts through the vines]'' Worry about yourselves! Howler monkeys. They're going to give away our location. :'''Rex:''' Bobo! Do something! :'''Bobo:''' Like I speak howler monkey? Oh, boy. :'''Six:''' Run! :'''Rex:''' I'll try and shut it down. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Are you okay? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Hey... You know me. A day without getting blown up is like a day without sunshine. :'''Six:''' You've been quiet. :'''Rex:''' All right, I've been thinking about it, okay? This Dr. Rylander may finally be proof I'm not alone in this world. :'''Six:''' And if it's not? I just don't want you to be disappointed. Six to White. :'''White Knight:''' What's your status? Have you found the location? :'''Six:''' Affirmative. But it seems we've been beaten to the punch. :'''White Knight:''' Understood. Captain Calan... You have a go. :'''Biwoulf:''' It should be here. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Your eyes deceive you, Biowulf. :'''Rex:''' Should have been aiming at you. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ahh. Providence at last. Traveling light, I see. :'''Rex:''' Oh, we're just here to find the place. They're here to secure it. :'''Six:''' Is it here? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Destroy them! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The compound's surrounded by a force field. :'''White Knight:''' If you can't secure that base, we will take it out. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't lose that formula. :'''Six:''' Rex, get in there. We'll hold off the pack. :'''Rex:''' Please don't blow me up. :'''Biowulf:''' Master, you are in no condition for battle. Seek cover. :'''Rex:''' Punks. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[From behind Rex with a gun]'' Don't move, or I'll drop you. Rex? Is-- Is that you? :''[Dr. Rylander hugs Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' You... Know my name. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[Laughing]'' Of course I do! I gave it to you! I can't believe you're alive. What a stroke of luck. :'''Rex:''' Dad? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You've lost your memory, haven't you? Not surprising, considering what you've been through. Oh. Yes. Well, sorry to disappoint you, Rex. I'm afraid I'm not who you want me to be. :'''Rex:''' Oh. Okay. So, if you're not my dad, do you know where he is? Ah, well, "Rex Rylander" is a goofy name, anyway. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Come quickly. We don't have much time. I was so close to completing the code. There's been a problem with the molecular penetration, resulting in a sequencing gap. :'''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander, I've got to know. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You must understand-- It was never about power or greed. It was about changing the world-- Saving mankind by putting and end to disease and starvation. And we would have succeeded... Until they got involved. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' The nanites were incomplete. The incident spread them across the globe before we could finish their final programming. Except for you. Yours were from a different batch-- The first, actually. All those... Innocent victims. :'''Rex:''' If you feel so bad about it, why have you been attacking more people? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Hm. The chosen few. Those men and women, Rex, are far from innocent. While they hide in their office towers and gated estates, I've been here trying to set things right, to find a cure for what we created. I begged them for more funding. :'''Rex:''' Wait! Everyone you attacked was... They all worked on the Nanite Project? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' They commissioned it. I merely wished to send them a warning to show them what would happen if they refused to help finish the good work we started. And it was good, Rex. You're living proof that we were doing the right thing. :'''Rex:''' ''[Indignant]'' By turning me into an EVO?! :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You had an accident. The nanites were your only hope. It was a tremendous gamble. The... Unexpected side effects came later. It was a surprise to all of us. :''[Dr. Rylander chuckles]'' :''Dr. Rylander:''' The look on your brother's face. :'''Rex:''' Brother? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' When the event occurred, it was yo powers that saved you both. Most of the others-- They weren't so lucky. :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' I'm not alone. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Oh, here. I have something for you. :''[Injects the mighty and all-powerful Omega Nanite into his system]'' :'''Rex:''' Ow! :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! :'''Dr. Rylander:''' The force-field must be failing. :'''Rex:''' Forget the force-field! What did you just inject me with? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[[w:Omnipotence |Everything]]''. :'''Rex:''' Enough, okay?! Do you have any idea what it's been like-- Not knowing who I am, if my family's dead or alive?! Quit with the rambling mad-scientist act and give me some answers! :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Forgive me, Rex. I've been so consumed with my own guilt, I didn't consider what you must be going through. The truth is-- :''[Dr. Rylander gasps]'' :''[Van Kleiss stabs Rylander from behind]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Truth, doctor? You wouldn't know the first thing about it. Nor loyalty, for that matter. How many times must I tell you this, Rex? The answers you so desperately seek lie with me. And as for you, doctor, consider our past disagreement settled. I look forward to continuing our research... Alone. This was unavoidable, Rex. The longer you resist me, the more people get hurt. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss grunting]'' :''[Rex screams]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rylander has always been on borrowed time. All of this belongs to me now. Destroy me, and you lose everything. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex groaning]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Six:''' Rex. Where's Rylander? :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Six:''' The reactor is shot. This entire place is about to blow. :'''Bobo:''' Don't have to tell me twice. :'''Biowulf:''' Why do they run? :'''Skalamander:''' Where is Van Kleiss? :'''Six:''' No, I didn't see what happened. But according to Rex, Van Kleiss has been eliminated. Rylander's experiment is a total loss. :'''Holiday:''' All of this for nothing. I'm sorry, Rex. :'''Rex:''' It wasn't for nothing, doc. I've got a brother.... Out there... Somewhere. I'm not alone anymore. Finally, I've started to get some real answers. I feel closer to the truth than ever. ===The Forgotten=== :'''Six:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' It's like I'm hearing through my nanites. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' You are not the Before. :'''Rex:''' I'm not sure that was a complete sentence back then. :'''No-Face:''' ''They'' are the Before! The Before forgot us. The Before left us in pain. <hr width80%> ===Operation: Wingman=== :'''Annie:''' "Do you have a girlfriend?" :'''Rex:''' "It's complicated. She's in league with an evil dictator who wants me dead." :'''Annie:''' "Yeah. My dad's always worried about me dating, too." <hr width80%> ===Rabble=== :'''Quarry''': Come on, Rex. (''holds up Rex's journal'') We both know this is what you really want. So go ahead take it. Walk away. Show them who you really are. You were always very good a taking care of yourself. Why should now be any different? :'''Rex''': (''Cuts his journal in two'') Whoever I was back then, is not who I am now. Not anymore. :'''Quarry''': Your choice. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': It's over, Quarry! You lose! <hr width80%> : '''Sqywwd:''' I hope you don't expect us to thank you. : '''Rex:''' No. Providence won't bother you unless you do something stupid. : '''Cricket:''' We'll be fine. Thank you, Rex. :(''Kisses him on the check'') : '''Tuck:''' Don't forget about us, Okay? : '''Rex:''' That may be a promise I can't keep. (''Flies off on his Boogie Pack'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' It's going to happen again, isn't it? I'm going to blank out. How long do I have? : '''Holiday:''' I don't know, Rex. It's likely triggered by a specific event; something traumatic. ===The Hunter=== ===Gravity=== ===What Lies Beneath=== : '''Circe:''' Rex, it's me. : '''Rex:''' Circe? What do ''you'' want!? : '''Circe:''' Things in Abysus- they're bad, Rex. I need your help. : '''Rex:''' Oh, well, how do I put this nicely? Not a chance! You made your choice, Circe! I made mine. End of story. : '''Circe:''' Please, Rex. I know you're mad at me, but this is a matter of life and death. : '''Rex:''' A lot of things are right now. Nice talking to you. : '''Circe:''' Rex!? : (''Looks crestfallen'') <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I didn't know you were still in touch with Circe. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, me neither. Can we please stop talking about this? <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' She's very pretty. : '''Rex:''' She works for Van Kleiss. She's the enemy. : '''Holiday:''' But you still like her, don't you? : '''Rex:''' I am ''not'' talking about this! <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Rex, thank you. : '''Rex:''' I'm not doing this for you. But...your welcome. (''Circe similes hopefully'') So what exactly am I supposed to do? :'''Holiday:''' When I said you were the key, I meant that literally. According to the plans, the machine needs to be turned on by a molecular level. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' You ''lied'' to me!! : '''Circe:''' You wouldn't have come if I told you the truth. : '''Rex:''' This wasn't about you needing ''me''!! This is about you needing Van Kleiss!! : '''Circe:''' I need you both. Please, Rex, you don't understand. : '''Rex:''' No!! ''You'' don't understand!! Van Kleiss is gone and I intend to keep it that way!! : '''Biowulf:''' You destroyed us all!! : '''Six:''' Don't even breathe. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You don't know what you've done. : '''Rex:''' Then, I guess we're even. : '''Circe:''' You've never understood his power. Van Kleiss kept us safe here. His force was the only thing keeping Abysus together, and you destroyed that. : '''Rex:''' We're done here!! : '''Holiday:''' Rex, I think she's right. Nanites operate on a molecular level. If they bonded with Van Kleiss, breaking off his connection must have caused a splinter; resulting in a disastrous chain reaction. : '''Rex:''' I'm ''not'' bringing him back! ''Not now, not ever!!'' Besides, you don't need Van Kleiss! You have me!! Why not go straight to the source?! :'''Holiday:''' Rex, no! :'''Six:''' Stand down! It's too dangerous! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Let go of me!! : '''Holiday:''' If you keep fighting these unstable nanites, they're going to destroy you! : '''Rex:''' And if I don't they'll destroy everybody else. : '''Holiday:''' Not if you listen to me! I have an idea. It's a long shot. Instead of fighting the nanites, ''communicate'' with them. : '''Six:''' You want to talk to the nanites? : '''Holiday:''' He's done it before. : '''Rex:''' Never anything this big. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I got you! Don't let go!! (''Rex struggles to save Circe from falling as she clings to him; tears fill her eyes''). ''Circe!!'' (''as she falls into the black goop of highly unstable nanites'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' ''Circe!'' Six! Dr. Holiday! Okay, you win. (''technopathically starts the machine''). Something's...not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Circe! Come on, breathe! : '''Circe''' (''coughs weakly'')''':''' Hey. : '''Rex:''' Hey. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Stay with us, Circe. Van Kleiss is done. : '''Circe:''' As much as I care about you, Rex, Van Kleiss and the Pack are my family. They took me in when no one else would. I can't abandon them. : '''Rex:''' So that's it. We're always going to be on opposite sides. : '''Circe:''' It does keep it interesting. ===The Swarm=== :'''Rex''' (thinking'')''':''' ''Gotta stay under. Not sure I can...make it. :(''Has visions of those most dear to him: Noah, his crush Circe, Holiday, Six, Bobo) ===Basic=== ===The Plague=== ===Promises, Promises=== :''Note:'' This episode depicts how young Rex had joined Providence via Six's [[w:flashback episode|memories]]. <hr width80%> :''[Six narrates over imagery of the Nanite Event.]'' :'''Six:''' The names and faces may change, but no matter how you slice it, war is war. You pick a side and you don’t look back. I believe that now and I believed it then. What gets you in trouble is when you start second guessing. Forget what you’re fighting for and you’re finished. :'''Diane Farrah:''' ''[Panicked screaming is heard in the background of an EVO attack]'' There’s another entity has emerged, this time in the heart of Paris. Authorities are vastly unprepared. Unless a decisive response to this pandemic is marshalled, the city will fall just as Kiev— ''[Diane Farrah gets snatched by the EVO’s web]'' :''[A Providence assault vehicle rams through police cars, from which Six appears and deals with the EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Save some for me partner! How else am I gonna earn my paycheck? :''[Knight fires off a weapon and the scene cuts to present day at Providence Headquarters.]'' :'''Providence Agents:''' Surprise! :'''Rex:''' So, the flu shots? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I needed an excuse to get you here. We’ll do them after cake. I’ll get you Van Kleiss! ''[Holiday swings at a pinata blindfolded before Rex crushes it with his smack hands]'' :'''Rex:''' Sorry, Doc, it was taking too long. And it was either that or throw some of your cake at it. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday walks over to Six at a corner, passing him a drink]'' You’re looking festive. :'''Six:''' It was an odd choice to pick today to be his birthday. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It is the anniversary of his new life here. He deserves a celebration, he changed everything. :'''Six:''' Has he? :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex jumps onto a counter, speaking to the agents surrounding him]'' Ha-hah! How about hitting The Petting Zoo for a little pin-the-tail on the raging “Rhinocesaurus”? :'''Dr. Holiday and Six:''' No. :'''Rex:''' Every party has a pooper. And I got two. :'''Providence Agents:''' ''[Providence Agents turn off the lights and bring Rex a birthday cake]'' Happy Birthday! :'''Rex:''' Dudes! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You should be celebrating too, Six! After all, you’re the one who started this. In a way, it’s your birthday too. :''[Flashback to Six and Knight walking through the Petting Zoo during construction of Providence HQ.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Nyquist. Fortier. How’s the monkey business? :'''Nyquist:''' Ha ha-larious, Knight. :'''Fortier:''' Hey, for your information we probably saved the world today. :'''White Knight:''' I, for one, feel safer already. ''[Knight states, looking at Bobo while Six walks towards his cage]'' :'''Bobo:''' So, green man. We meet again! :'''Calan:''' They found him at the Kremlin this time. He was threatening to push the button unless someone brought him a thousand pounds of caviar. :'''Bobo:''' Chimp’s gotta eat. :'''Fortier:''' What about your little bug hunt? Give you much trouble? :'''White Knight:''' Nothing we couldn’t handle. :''[The EVO is transported in a cage overhead while Knight and Six walk through a hallway.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What? Not even a smile? Oh by the way, happy birthday. ''[Knight passes Six a gift]'' :'''Six:''' How did you know? :'''White Knight:''' I’m your partner. Can’t keep much from me. :'''Six:''' Thanks. :'''White Knight:''' So what crawled up your coat? :'''Six:''' I’m getting tired of all this fighting. Did you see how many there are now? Are we gonna cage the whole world? :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight turns around, placing a hand on Six's shoulder]'' We’re preserving the human race. ''[The door to the processing facility opens]'' Besides, who says we’re gonna cage them all? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Looking at the EVO]'' And to think, this was once spinning webs in someone’s garden. Doctor Holiday, prepare for disassembly. ''[Doctor Holiday nods and activates the procedure as per his instructions. Doctor Fell sports a wicked smile during the experiment before it disintegrates the EVO without a trace]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It’s the same exact data as last time, and the time before that; Doctor Fell, why aren’t we studying them in a natural setting? :'''Dr. Fell:''' Only through molecular dissection will we find a way to expunge this threat. The committee agrees with me on this. If you do not approve, I can always find another assistant. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Doctor Holiday leaves the facility in frustration with Doctor Fell]'' Bleeding hearts. They’ll get us all killed one day. :''[Holiday walks down a hallway and drops several notes, one of which Six picks up.]'' :'''Six:''' EVO? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Exponentially Variegated Organism; a little more scientific than spoiled meat. That is what you hired guns call them isn’t it? :'''Six:''' It's Six, and I don't use guns. You told Fell we could learn more by bringing them in alive. What did you mean? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites are altering our DNA, but with the right type of research, there's no doubt they could be programmed to stop or reverse the process. Imagine a third option to this, kill-or-Contain protocol. :'''Six:''' A third option? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' A cure. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight and several other Providence agents run past Holiday after an alarm activates]'' Buckle up partner! Looks like we got ourselves a big one. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hopeless. :''[Providence mercenaries arrive at Mexico to confront the giant mechanical EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What are we looking at? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Fascinating. It appears to be bio-mechanical. I must have a closer look at this one. :'''White Knight:''' One for the trophy case. :'''Six:''' Wait. We may get more out of this one if we bring it in alive! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Fell:''' You're letting your emotions cloud your judgement, Six. With what we gleam from this boy, I could create tools that could inoculate the world. :'''Six:''' Why risk it? He can already cure them! I've seen it! :'''White Knight:''' So, what, we train him? Make him one of us? <hr width80%> :'''Knight:''' We're supposed to be friends! He's a monster! What do you see in him!? :'''Six:''' Hope. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Thanks for talking some sense into him, Doc. ''[Knight picks up Six’s katana and walks toward Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' What...what’s happening to me? ''[Rex pleas to Knight, who simply looks down at him before warning sirens go off and the facility begins to lockdown]'' :'''Dr. Fell:''' We’re all going to burn. ''[Fell escapes while Rex is craned away by Holiday on an upper level]'' :'''White Knight:''' No! ''[Knight looks back at Six who is slowly picking himself up while the remaining exits close off. In a last ditch effort, Knight carries Six and throws him through the final set of doors before they seal shut]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Six picks himself and slams his fist against the glass]'' Why? :'''White Knight:''' I know what side I’m on. ''[Knight proudly states before getting consumed by a blinding white light and screaming in agony]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Grabbing a hold of Dr. Fell's collar Six shouts]'' Do something! :'''Dr. Fell:''' Once the cycle starts it's impossible to shut down. :'''Rex:''' ''[Contrary to Dr. Fell's statement, the light fades away and the electricity is subdued after Rex interfaces with a control panel]'' Impossible? Psh, right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you—-? :'''Rex:''' Told it to turn off. And it did! Wait, where...where am I? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Doctor Holiday. Maybe you were right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Maybe you should start looking for another job. :'''Bobo:''' ''[Within the processing chamber, Knight takes a few steps forward before collapsing]'' Hey marshmallow! Nice look! ''[Knight looks back up at Bobo with his signature bleached appearance]'' :''[Some time later, in his office White Knight speaks to Six through a monitor.]'' :'''White Knight:''' How’s the training? :'''Six:''' Slow. :'''White Knight:''' Not all you hoped he’d be? ''[Rex and Bobo topple each other in a play fight while Knight continues to monologue in his office]'' Still, who would’ve thought the kinder, gentler approach would do such wonders for our profile. The notion of a cure has gotten Providence funding, and worldwide prestige. The committee's happy. Your new partner may just be the best thing this operation could have asked for. Funny, isn’t it? Because of you I can never leave this chamber. I’m now the only pure human left in the world. And the perfect poster boy to run this operation. I suppose I should thank you. :'''Six:''' I promised him that we would help uncover his past; find his family. :'''White Knight:''' Whatever keeps him on his leash. But if he shows the slightest sign of turning into thing again, it's all on you. :''[Back at the party in the present, Noah is pinned down by Bobo with a bag on his head to Rex’s amusement.]'' :'''Rex:''' Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh my—hold him down, I’ll get the camera! ''[Rex runs to his room, and after a quick search he instead finds a long box on a corner shelf]'' :'''Six:''' Happy birthday. ''[Six walks into his room, officially greeting Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' From you? For me? You gotta be kidding. :'''Six:''' You, your work. It has made a real difference. I just—- :'''Rex:''' Yeah, I know I’m pretty great! But seriously get off the sap train, Six. It’s creeping me out. ''[Rex opens the gift to reveal the blade inside]'' Wow, Six! Thank you! :'''Six:''' It’s called a tanto. It’s the ceremonial blade of a samurai warrior. :'''Rex:''' Samurai? Awesome. :'''Six:''' ''[Six unsheathes his own tanto and holds it against Rex’s]'' This is its twin. :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex removes the cap from his tanto and squints at the symbol etched into the blade]'' Is that...writing? :'''Six:''' Bushido symbol of loyalty. It means whether for good or ill, our fates will follow the same path. This one stays with me. :'''Rex:''' Think this thing can cut through Holiday’s chocolate cake? :'''Six:''' ''[Six raises an eyebrow]'' Anything’s possible. :''[Rex puts the cap back on to the blade and camera cuts to outside of Providence headquarters, panning outward until screen fades to black.]'' ===Badlands=== :'''Gatlocke:''' Do you like rules? :'''Rex:''' Can't say I do. <hr width80%> :'''Gatlocke:''' Feel that? It's quilted. This is the good kind. But I won't be able to really enjoy in ''until I have those nanites!'' <hr width80%> ===Out of the Dark=== :''Note'': Rex's love interest and sweetheart Circe appears in a vision. ===Payback=== :''[In the realm of Abysus]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Humiliated... De-powered... All but destroyed. Hardly the new world I set out to build, is it? :'''Biowulf:''' Master, a spy has made contact. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Well? :'''Providence Spy:''' Everything is in place. :'''Van Kleiss:''' And the boy? :'''Providence Spy:''' He's here. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[to his loyal followers]'' Soon our greatest enemy will be buried! Providence itself will be destroyed. And we'll have Rex to thank. :'''Rex:''' Come on! Who's gonna know? :'''Noah:''' Yeah. It would only be for a minute or two. :'''Calan:''' You actually want me to let you fly the keep? :''[Calan sighs]'' :'''Calan:''' Only until the next course change. And nothing fancy. :'''Rex:''' All right, let's see what this baby can really do! Why, it wasn't me! Seriously! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Providence Spies:''' Aah! :'''White Knight:''' Calan, what's your status? :'''Calan:''' Came from out of nowhere. We're being boarded. Scramble all jump jets. Mobilize for a counter-offensive. :'''White Knight:''' This is a coordinated attack. Every major Providence outpost around the globe has been hit. :'''Six:''' So far they've steered clear of headquarters. I'm on route to the keep now. :'''Rex:''' Are they really that stupid? Attacking the keep with me on board? This should only take a minute. :'''Noah:''' Wait up! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find Rex. It goes without saying "alive" would be ideal. Take the ship. :'''Providence Spy:''' Some kind of power surge. We're losing control of the helm! :'''Calan:''' Find out where it's coming from. Doc, if you'll excuse me-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six? :'''Six:''' Five minutes out. Prepare for an evac. I'm getting you off the ship. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Again with the Smack Hands? You always open with that move. Change it up a little! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Bobo:''' You see what you get? That's what happens when you interrupt my nap-- Bobo gets cranky! :'''Rex:''' I learned that the hard way, too. :'''Calan:''' All hands-- We've got intruders on deck four, five, and six. Get'em off our ship! :'''Rex:''' Go! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Attention, Providence. The ship is ours. :'''Rex:''' Ugh! Not even close, Van Kleiss! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Lay down your weapons, and your lives will be spared. Continue to resist and nothing survives. :'''Rex:''' You've made I made some lame-o moves before, Van Kleiss, but this one-- classic. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Seems you may have run out of tricks. Oh, you had to know it would only be a matter of time. I've had a fair amount of time on my hands these days. ''[Restrains Rex with his gauntlet]'' :'''Rex:''' Aaaaah! :'''Van Kleiss:''' You took something very precious from me, Rex, and now I'll be returning the favor. :'''Rex:''' If you want my monkey, you can forget it. :''[Van Kleiss starts draining nanites from Rex, causing him to squirm and scream in pain.]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It might come as a surprise that when you stole the nanites that gave my power, you left some of your behind-- Enough to tell me a few of what makes you tick. :''[Rex tries to summon a build, but nothing happens.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ungh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You'll find that using your powers will be something of a challenge. The nanites that you so special belong to me now. :'''Biowulf:''' What shall I do with him, master? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I have everything I need from him. I could care less. Secure the rest of the ship. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Come on! Do you really think throwing me out that hatch is the best way to get rid of me? Wouldn't it be more fun to throw me in a cage, tie me down in front of a laser? :'''Biowulf:''' No! :'''Rex:''' Aaaaaaaah! Wh-o-o-o-o-oa! :'''Noah:''' What is he doing? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This is no time to fool around, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Happened to notice that ground coming up on his, doc? If you don't do something fast, I'm about to become part of it! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, are you okay? :'''Rex:''' I think we may have a problem. :'''White Knight:''' What do you mean "they have the keep"?! Blow it up! :'''Six:''' We tried. The remote-destruct sequence has been disabled. Van Kleiss has complete control of it. :'''White Knight:''' Give me some good news. :'''Six:''' We know where it's heading. Here. :'''Biowulf:''' This is the commanding officer. We found him attempting to destroy this ship. :'''Calan:''' What's your game, Van Kleiss? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, a very good question-- One that depends entirely on what happens next, Captain. It seems my powers have made a slight... change. :'''Rex:''' Well? They're gone, aren't they? Van Kleiss took all my active nanites. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. I found this. Definitely a nanite, but it's unlike anything I've ever seen. Molecular scans seems to indicate it's some kind of control-nanite. :'''Rex:''' But with nothing to control. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' With a large enough concentration of nanites, we might be able to jump-start it. But even with that, there's no guarantee it would replicate or even give you back the same abilities. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I hate to say it, but this one has me stumped. :'''Rex:''' Great. Loving this. :'''White Knight:''' If you're finished with the lost cause, we've got a bigger problem. :'''Biowulf:''' Master, how is this possible? :'''Van Kleiss:''' It would seem Rex's nanites have an opposite effect on me. He cured EVOs. Now I create them. Full ahead-- Ramming speed! Once we're through, we'll destroy Providence from the inside out. :'''White Knight:''' Lock it down! I want hallways cleared and critical sections defended. They will not take this base. :'''Rex:''' Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go stop them! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, you're in no condition to fight. :'''Rex:''' Well, what do you expect me to do-- Hide? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Whatever it takes. That nanite inside you might be able to bring you back, but it's going to take me time to figure out how. And that's not something we have a lot of right now. :'''Rex:''' Wow. Nice outfit. :'''Noah:''' Got one for you, too. You get to armor up like the rest of us normals. :'''Rex:''' Come on. :'''Bobo:''' All right, where to? :'''Rex:''' South Pacific. :'''Bobo:''' That's my boy. And here I thought you'd try to pull some hero stunt. Oh, brother. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I want the White Knight. Find where he's hiding and bring him to me. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That should be everything, as long as the offsite backup holds. :'''Six:''' Don't let it get to that. :'''Noah:''' This is a strange place for a base. :'''Rex:''' When I have too many nanites in me, this is where I go to offload. :'''Bobo:''' Think of it as a nanite porta-potty. :'''Noah:''' Thanks... For that image, Bobo. So, we just put some of these nanites in you, and we're good to go? :'''Rex:''' No. They're inactive. Or at least stripped of their programming. Since I can't control them, I just have to hope that whatever this thing is inside me can't. :'''Noah:''' So... What happens if it can't? :'''Bobo:''' Let me put it this way-- The last guy who went swimmin' in that soup ended up a 50-foot freak show. :'''White Knight:''' Listen to me carrefully, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'd rather not. :'''White Knight:''' Where are they? :'''Six:''' The inner perimeter has been compromised. They're coming. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Skalamander roars]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Open it. :'''Rex:''' Okay. Bobo, set the thing to "vent" and go. If this doesn't work, I don't want you getting caught in the blast. :'''Bobo:''' No. :'''Noah:''' Forget it. Rex, at least think about his for a sec. What if it wipes your memory? What it turns you into some evil monster? :'''Rex:''' My friends need me. There's nothing more to think about. Bobo, do it. :'''Bobo:''' Long odds, pay big. :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Six:''' You've overstayed your welcome. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, here's someone who would make a nice addition to our EVO ranks. :'''Six:''' Go ahead and try. Ugh! :''[Six groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Trying to do my job for me, Six? Here's a thought-- When your top henchman can't even get rid of someone by throwing him out of a moving plane, time to rethink the help. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You are determined-- I'll give you that. If it's what you prefer, I'll finish you myself. :'''Rex:''' Maybe. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Cool! :'''Bobo:''' See? I told you it would work. :'''Six:''' This is an unexpected surprise. :'''Rex:''' Well, by now, you should expect the unexpected from me, Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Bobo:''' Not anymore. :'''Noah:''' You think there might be more of them? :'''Bobo:''' Eh... Probably. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Biowulf growls]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Aaaaaaah! :'''White Knight:''' I use that electromagnet to trap stray nanites. You're lucky it's on the lowest setting. Any higher, and it would rip the nanites right out of your body. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Then why don't you? :'''White Knight:''' Because then I wouldn't be able to do this. :'''Skalamander:''' No one can help you. You're all alone now. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. We still have my sister. :''[Skalamander grunting]'' :''[Rex and Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Aaaaah! :'''Rex:''' No way! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :'''Rex:''' Once again, epic fail. I'll take my nanites back now. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Noah:''' Rex, wait! :'''Bobo:''' Van Kleiss left behind a few presents. :'''Rex:''' No time to look everywhere. I'm shutting everything down. :'''Noah:''' You can do that? :'''Rex:''' Don't know. Never tried. Anything else? No? :'''Calan:''' Whew! I never want to do that again. No, sir. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Amazing. :'''Rex:''' Why, thank you. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I was talking about the nanites. That was a risky move, Rex, but it worked. As far as I can tell, you're back to your old self. :'''Rex:''' I don't know. Something feels different. That new build-- I think I can do even more. It's like I can see the blueprints. I just need to figure out how to put it all together. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight in person. Never thought I'd see the day. :'''White Knight:''' Well, don't get used to it. We found all the explosives. The base and the keep will need extensive repairs. This was not our finest hour. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? We kicked butt! So what if Van Kleiss is back and more powerful than ever? So am I! If he wants a nanite war, let him bring it! :''[White Knight laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' It's good to have your back, Rex. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You know, I think he actually means it. :'''Rex:''' Sure he does. So, tell me something, guys-- What's next? ==Season Two (2011)== ===Rampage=== :'''Rex:''' I'll give you the recap. Thanks to these microscopic machines called nanites, I can build cool gear out of my body. I'm what's called an EVO. But most EVOs aren't lucky like me. They usually look like this. ''[Chuckling]'' I know what you're thinking. And they smell bad, too. There's one other thing I can do that makes me even more special. Some EVOs, I can cure. That's why I work for Providence. We're the people you call when an evo is tearing up your lawn or attacking a city. And the worst of them is this guy-- Van Kleiss. The last time we fought, things got a little out of hand. I'll admit it-- We pretty much got our tails handed to us. He steals the key, wrecks headquarters, hijacks my nanite to get back the powers I took away from him. And now he can actually make people into EVOs. Then, to top it off, he has his dog boy Biowulf throw me, overboard at 6,000 feet. Not that anyone's keeping score. Sure, Van Kleiss may be back, but so am I. So what if he can make EVOs? I can still cure them. He may have new powers, but guess what-- I do, too. Ever since my powers came back, I've got the ability to make amazing new machines. Now I just have to figure out how to build more. If you're trying to check up on me, Six, the answer's still a big fat... ''[imitates buzzer]'' I can't figure out how to make this new build. :'''Six:''' It might take some time, but you'll get it. :'''Rex:''' And meanwhile, Van Kleiss is out there doing who knows what. I wish they'd hurry up and get the H.Q. Rebuilt. You're not still living out of your jump jet like some ninja hobo, are you? :'''Six:''' My temporary accommodations are perfectly adequate. :'''Rex:''' Yep. Still living in the jet. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I hate being kicked out of our house. Although, as long as they're building stuff, I need a hot tub. :''[Carmen gasps]'' :'''Carmen:''' Madre! Estas viva! Como puede ser? :'''Carmen's mother:''' No querida. Soy la prima gemela diabolica de tu madre. :'''Noah:''' What are you watching? :'''Rex:''' Cultural enrichment! Later on, we find out if Dr. Suarez chooses Isabel, or her evil half sister, Ana Maria. :'''Carmen:''' Pero, como va supremivir esto nuesta familia. :'''Carmen's mother:''' Con mucho dolor, vengaza y arrepentimiento. :'''Noah:''' If you're gonna stay with me while they're rebuilding Providence, at least don't flaunt the fact that you don't have a pre-calculus test in three days. :'''Rex:''' Pre-wha? :'''Noah:''' Exactly my point. And when I agreed to this, I wasn't expecting the sidekick, too. :'''Bobo:''' Hey, pally, we're a package deal. Live with it. :''[Noah gasps]'' :'''Noah:''' Was that a toenail? Can I just get hit by a toenail?! :'''Rex:''' What's your deal? :'''Noah:''' Aah! Get one in my mouth! Ugh! :'''Rex:''' Okay, that is gross. Bobo, bad monkey. I thought this would be fun. :''[Noah scoffs]'' :'''Noah:''' For you, maybe. I'll get a real life, too, you know. As much as I want it to be, it can't be all fun and games all the time, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Why not? Worse for me. :'''Noah:''' Hey, I like adventure as much as the next guy, but I still have to pass math. :'''Rex:''' You're not going to fail math. You have like the fourth highest GPA in your class. :'''Noah:''' It used to be third. :'''Rex:''' And ten years from now, nobody's going to care. Hey doc, miss me? Huh? Oh. A situation. Really? Awesome! Nope. I'm not doing anything. Be right there. I'm gonna go pound some EVO into submission. Wanna come? :'''Noah:''' You're serious? :'''Rex:''' No. That would be you. Have fun with that math. :'''Noah:''' Save the world or a chance at a scholarship? All right! I'm coming! :'''Rex:''' Now see? It's a lot more fun when you just let go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you hold that thing still? :'''Rex:''' Dibs! That's a whole lot of agents for one EVO, doc. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They weren't here for the EVO. That ship is carrying the new power core for Providence headquarters. This thing just happened to show up when we started to offload it. :''[Dr. Holiday grunting]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex:''' Wh-o-o-o-oa! :''[Rex straining]'' :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss! :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' Did you see the mark? Van Kleiss made that one. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Why else do you think I've been trying to get a sample from it? :'''Rex:''' I don't know-- Just being science-y? Ugh! :'''Bobo and Noah:''' Yeah! :'''Rex:''' Does that work for you? :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex:''' Aah! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It'll do. Got it. We can cure it now. :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Aah! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Chuckling]'' Unless you like getting thrown around like that. :'''Noah:''' No hurry. This is great. :'''Bobo and Noah:''' Ew! :''[Dock worker grunts]'' :'''Dock worker:''' What hit me? :'''Rex:''' That would be me. :'''Six:''' You work here? :'''Dock worker:''' What do you think, mister? Ahh, my back. :'''Rex:''' Yep. Sorry. Was trying, you know, not to die. If he works at the dock, that must mean Van Kleiss was here. :'''Noah:''' Actually, I think he still is. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They're after the power core. :'''Rex:''' All this for a battery? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not just a battery. It could fuel a country the size of Abysus for a decade. :'''Rex:''' And it was going to be underneath my room?! Excuse me. Out of the way! Coming through! I was wondering when you and your hair would show up again, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Back to your old self again, I see. And how are those new abilities developing? :'''Rex:''' Just fine. Thanks for asking. Here's what I bet you're thinking, "did we really think this plan through? Was using some poor dude as a decoy the best move?" :'''Van Kleiss:''' I suppose only time will tell. Not as strong as you thought. :'''Rex:''' Not yet. That time I really thought I had it, okay? Ohh! :'''Noah:''' How awesome was that? :'''Rex:''' What part-- You clobbering Van Kleiss or Van Kleiss clobbering me? :'''Noah:''' Well, both, actually. :'''Rex:''' Hold on. I need a second to think of a really good dig. :''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' :'''Rex:''' Why are you smiling? We just owned you. It's over, Van Kleiss. You lose! :'''Noah:''' That was the best you could come up with. "You lose"? :'''Rex:''' That one didn't count. He caught me off guard with the whole smiling thing, okay? :'''Van Kleiss:''' You'd be wise to consider delaying your celebration for the moment, Rex. You're about to have your hands quite full. :'''Rex:''' Oh, really? And how do you figure that? :'''Noah:''' Aah! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Here's the part where you must be thinking, "did I think this plan through?" :'''Rex:''' Noah! :''[Noah growls]'' :'''Rex:''' Are you nuts?! Stop it! :'''Six:''' Stand down! :'''Rex:''' Take it easy, Noah. You're going to be okay. This will all be over in a second. Great. Just great. :'''Six:''' Go! :'''Rex:''' Noah, if you can still understand me, when I said you should let things go, this isn't exactly what I meant. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Headache. It should be about balance, you know? Take care of the important stuff, but leave room for a little fun. Right now! Too much fun! :''[Rex screaming]'' :'''Rex:''' Wh-o-o-o-oa! Everything's fine. Not a problem. :'''Six:''' If you can't stop him, it's going to be. :'''Rex:''' You know, Six, you really need to learn to think positive. :''[Diane Farrah and Reporter gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Stupid grin. It's like it's all just a game to him. :'''Determined grandmother:''' I know you! :'''Rex:''' Yeah, uh, thanks, but-- :'''Determined grandmother:''' You're that "tex" kid from Providence. :'''Rex:''' Oh, Rex. Ma'am, this really isn't-- :'''Determined grandmother:''' I have a bone to pick with Providence. Do you realize how awful it's been? :''[Rex chuckles]'' :'''Rex:''' Funny story, he's actually my friend, so as soon as I can catch him-- :'''Determined grandmother:''' Every single night, someone moves my glasses. I leave them on the nightstand, and when I wake up, they're on the dresser! :'''Rex:''' Glasses? :'''Determined grandmother:''' There's got to be an EVO in my house. Some of them only come out at night, you know. :'''Rex:''' Uh-huh. :'''Determined grandmother:''' Now, I keep calling you people, but no one will give me the time of day over there. So, you tell me-- How am I supposed to feel safe when there is an EVO in my apartment?! :'''Rex:''' Here. First number on speed dial. :'''Determined grandmother:''' He's eating the cat food, too! :'''Bobo:''' That friend of yours is a walking disaster. I'm starting to like the kid. :'''Six:''' We'll get this. Go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, can you hear me? :'''Rex:''' A little busy right now, doc. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Then I'll make it quick. The active nanites Van Kleiss create are highly unstable. If Noah isn't cured soon, his condition will be permanent. :'''Rex:''' How long do I have? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's probably different for each infected person, but I calculate less than an hour. :'''Rex:''' Noah, you have to listen to me. If I don't change you back, this is not going to turn out well. Please. Let me help you. No! No! Thanks a lot, guys! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Noah, I'm serious! Stop playing around! :''[Rex screams]'' :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' This isn't a game, Noah! Huh. Maybe it should be. Okay, Noah. I give up! You're it! Better not be another train. All right! :''[Noah roaring]'' :'''Rex:''' Aw, no. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Well, what do you know? I'm "it" again. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, any luck? :'''Rex:''' Yep. I got him. Stand by. This isn't going to hurt. I promise. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex? :'''Rex:''' I'm too late. I don't believe this. My best friend's an EVO forever-- And not even a cool EVO. He's the annoying, breaks-stuff kind. :''[Noah belches]'' :'''Rex:''' Ugh! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Actually, Rex, it might not be Noah. Your biometrics have flat-lined. :'''Rex:''' All that running around. He just wore me out. Did you hear that? It's me, not you. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' Just give me a minute. :''[Noah roaring]'' :'''Rex:''' Noah, don't even-- No, no, no, no, no. No! No! I don't believe this. You really need a hobby, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I thought we could settle things without distraction. Here is as good a place as any. :'''Rex:''' I already kicked your butt once today. Ready to go again? :'''Van Kleiss:''' The question is, are you? It's hardly a fair fight. :'''Rex:''' Oh. Then I promised to go easy on you. What? You think I don't have my powers or something? I'm about to give you the pounding of the century! Come on, powers. Please come back! Don't you have anything better to do with your life than come after me all the time? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Funny you should ask. :'''Rex:''' Doc? How are those biometrics looking now? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Give it a try. :'''Rex:''' Ah, yeah! It's about time! Machines work. I just hope the important part does. :'''Noah:''' What just happened? :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? :'''Noah:''' It all kind of hazy. I mostly remember the feeling of... Fun. And I remember you punching me in the face. :'''Rex:''' Yeah. Sorry about that. I thought you were trying to eat me. Come on. We've got a rat to catch. Why so happy? Is this the part where breach shows up and rescues you? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, no. This is the part where she takes your inadequately guarded fuel core. :'''Six:''' Six to post, what's your status? Six to post. :'''Rex:''' Another decoy? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I should share some of the credit with your friend over here. He played the part to perfection. :'''Noah:''' Gee, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, this would be the part where Breach shows up. :'''Noah:''' I can't believe I did all this. Sounds like I had the time of my life. :'''Rex:''' ''[laughing]'' It almost became your life. Sorry about that. :'''Noah:''' Are you kidding? Just knowing I was a rampaging EVO is cool. I wish I could have remembered at least some of it. :'''Rex:''' It's probably all over the news if you want a replay... At least until you stepped on the news van. :'''Noah:''' Well... ''[Exhales sharply]'' Guess it's back to quadratic equations. :'''Rex:''' I have no idea what those are. I've got somewhere I need to be. See you later. I know. I'm not supposed to be here. I don't care if it's a construction zone. I'm moving back. :'''Six:''' It's all right. Turns out you're not the only one who feels that way. You'll get used to the cold showers. Food, you're on your own. From the top? :'''Rex:''' From the top. :'''Six:''' What were you trying to build, anyway? :'''Rex:''' A water jet. Oh, by the way, I need a new cellphone. :'''Six:''' Yes? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' It's after my glasses again. :'''Six:''' Glasses? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' This time I am serious. Now, when are you going to send someone out here? :'''Six:''' Ma'am, I'm... :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' Do you even work for Providence? :'''Six:''' Yes, I work for Providence. :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' What kind of a flimflam outfit is this? :'''Six:''' How did you get this number? ===Wasteland=== ===Tough Love=== ===The Lost Weekend=== :'''Kenwyn:''' What did you to Skwydd? :'''Mouse:''' Just shedding a light light on how dangerous his kind can be. :'''Rex:''' By juicing his powers? What were you thinking? :'''Mouse:''' Most inorganic material explodes when given that kind of molecular jolt, but not not nanites. They convert the energy into power that amplifies an E.V.O.'s abilities to tremendously uncontrollable levels. ===Star-Crossed=== ===Alliance=== :'''Rex:''' The ends of the earth lie a place so deadly, it was sealed forever from the outside world. Welcome... to the Bug Jar... Where monstrous creatures roam free... Where a faithless ruler seeks to escape to inflict his wrath upon humanity. But now, the Great Barrier is on the verge of failure... And the hope of all mankind lies in the bravest, most capable hands. And, uh, speaking of hands, you have four. Think you could lend one? :'''Bobo:''' Whoops. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Guys, what's the status of the shield? :'''Rex:''' The power regulator is completely trashed, doc. I'll need to control it manually until I can get it started. Mm. Kind of ripe in here. :'''Bobo:''' That little back door there? :''[Bobo clears throat]'' :'''Bobo:''' Not the bathroom. More Bug Jar, buddies. I got the last one. :'''Rex:''' ''[Sighs]'' Fine. Hold this. And whatever you do, do not let go. :'''Bobo:''' Or what? :'''Rex:''' Kaboom! :'''Bobo:''' He will pay. :'''Rex:''' Okay, little wormie, come to papa. Whoa. Yet even in this forsaken place, our hero runs afoul of his evil nemesis... Van Kleiss. Activating stealth suit. Looks like Van Kleiss decided to crash the party. :'''Bobo:''' Just like that guy knocked the phone ahead. :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' And he brought his Pack flunkies. Biowulf, Skalamander, Breach. Circe? Gotta hurry. Their headed straight for-- Someplace else. Gonna find out where. :'''Bobo:''' No way. You're not leaving me here with your-- :'''Rex:''' Sorry. Another call. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, why aren't you fixing that shield regulator? :'''Rex:''' Hint-- You may remember him from such schemes as destroying Providence headquarters, and trying to take over the entire Earth. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Van Kleiss, in there? You're right. You should investigate, after you fix the shield. :'''Rex:''' Then it might be too late. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' She's there, isn't she? :'''Rex:''' Who, Breach? Yeah, but-- :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' A quick recon, and that's it. I'll try to buy some time at this end. And I want regular check-ins. :'''Rex:''' Yep, got it. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Intriguing. An entire divergent branch of EVO development. :'''Biowulf:''' This place is a waste of our time. :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss knows what he's doing. It's not your place to question. :'''Biowulf:''' Question?! You dare accuse me of disloyalty?! Hmm. :'''Circe:''' Sorry. Get a grip. :'''Rex:''' With no care for his own safety, our brave hero tails his quarry into the very lion's den. Unknown to the villain, he'll be meddling in forces he can't possibly control. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Circe, if you would? :''[Circe roar echoing]'' :''[Circe roar echoing]'' :'''NoFace:''' Intruders! :''[Circe roar echoing]'' :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Skalamander grunts]'' :'''NoFace:''' Who are you? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Someone in a position to help you. :'''NoFace:''' Follow. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Breach, with me. The rest of you, remain here. :'''Biowulf:''' Master, my place is at your side. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I want no interruptions, Biowulf. Is that clear? :'''Rex:''' Okay, folks, here's the 4-1-1. VK, NoFace-- Getting cozy. Gonna try to bust it up. That's all I got for now. Over and out. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, don't you dare hang up! I'm a feeling a cramp coming on! :'''Circe:''' You're right, you know. We should be down there with him. What is he up to, anyway? :'''Biowulf:''' I... do not know. :'''Circe:''' You don't know? I thought he trusted you with everything. :'''Biowulf:''' Of course he does! He just-- :'''Rex:''' Hey! Easy on the stealth suit, which apparently, isn't so stealthy. :'''Circe:''' Rex? :'''Skalamander:''' Providence Spy! :'''Rex:''' Right! Man, got it in one! Yep, we heard V.K. was looking for a new second-in-command. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Biowulf:''' What?! :'''Rex:''' True story. Got it straight from intel. Not surprised, really. That NoFace is one bad dude. Guess Bio-Whelp here ain't cutting it these days. :''[Biowulf roars]'' :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Skalamander grunts]'' :''[Circe roar echoing]'' :'''Circe:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Seen it before. First they keep you out of meetings. :''[Skalamander grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Then the boss chews you out for trying to do your job. Next thing you know, you're taking orders from the new guy, and you're just another hench like Skalamander. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Biowulf growls]'' :'''Rex:''' Here comes the moment when our brave hero sweeps the girl of her feet! :'''Biowulf:''' Don't let him. :'''Rex:''' Literally! :'''Circe:''' Hey! Let-- :'''Rex:''' ''[flies off with Circe in his arms]'' See you around, henchie! :'''Biowulf:''' ''[to Skalamander]'' Follow them! :'''Circe:''' Down! Now! :'''Rex:''' Not till we hear each other out! :'''Circe:''' Sure. I'll go first. :''[Circe roar echoing]'' :''[Breaks the Bogie Pack with a hypersonic burst, causing them to fall]'' :'''Rex:''' Aah! Oh, great! Way to go, Circe! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Any word from Rex? :'''Bobo:''' He ain't back, and I'm still holding the bag. Hold on. Rex? That you, pal? Hidin' in plain sight. I hate this place. :'''NoFace:''' Invaders have come before. They brought only pain. :'''Van Kleiss:''' It is a pain we both share. The same Providence outsides attacked my lands, destroyed my army. :'''NoFace:''' There was one who tormented us-- Humiliated us. The grower of machines. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ah, Rex. Another thorn we share. My proposal is simple. You control a formidable legion. I, in turn, can provide the escape and the vengeance you seek. I can be your liberator. You can be my general. Together, we will crush our enemies, starting with the one you hate most. Now, then, are we-- :'''Biowulf:''' Master, I have a report. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[Irritated]'' This is a private conversation. Can't you handle the slightest detail without bothering me? :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Of course, master. It was nothing. :''[Circe grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Whoa! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Aah! Ouch! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' Our hero pursues the girl of his dreams, heedless of her attempts to break his heart. :''[Circe roar echoing]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Along with the rest of him. Circe! Just give me one minute, okay? Look, no powers. :'''Circe:''' One minute. But if this is about leaving the Pack-- :'''Rex:''' Please. I'm way past that. There are bigger things going on here than who you hang out with. :'''Circe:''' Fifty seconds. :'''Rex:''' I wasn't sent here to spy on you. I'm here to stop these things from ever getting out. :'''Circe:''' Forty. Why are you telling me this? You know who I am. :'''Rex:''' You've seen the things that live here. Whatever deal you think Van Kleiss is making, it's going to turn out bad for everyone. :'''Circe:''' Thirty seconds. :'''Rex:''' I do know who you are, Circe. Just once think for yourself! Maybe your perfect leader could actually be wrong, maybe even a bit crazy. Nuts! Certifiably insane! :'''Circe:''' Shut up! :''[Circe roar echoing]'' :'''Circe:''' Twenty. Talk about blinded. Did you ever wonder why Van Kleiss is so interested in you? :'''Rex:''' Oh, I don't know. Maybe he wants me dead? :'''Circe:''' Not anymore. Something has changed, Rex. Ever since you got your powers back, I hear him talking. Says you have something that's the key to everything. For whatever reason, he needs you alive. I know it, Rex. He'd never let you be killed. :'''Rex:''' Never, huh? :'''Circe:''' Time's up. :''[Circe grunts]'' :'''NoFace:''' Enough talk! Free us! :'''Van Kleiss:''' You understand I need certain... assurances. :'''NoFace:''' Assurances? Explain. :'''Van Kleiss:''' If I free you, will you trust in my leadership and mine alone? :'''NoFace:''' Leadership must be proven. Show us you can defeat our enemies. :'''Rex:''' Now, this looks like a party. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rex. You never cease to amaze me. :'''No-Face:''' Defiler! Give it to us! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now do you believe I can deliver what I say? Will you agree to my leadership? :'''NoFace:''' We agree to it! Give him to us! Now! Now! Now! :'''Circe:''' ''[very shocked]'' Van Kleiss, I didn't bring Rex here so you could-- He'll kill him! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Never forget how I found you, Circe. What you were... before. He's yours. :''[Tears well up in Circe's eyes; thoroughly horrified that her master would calmly allow Rex's life to be put at risk]'' :'''NoFace:''' You! Bring him to the vestibule! :'''Rex:''' You have your orders! :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Biowulf:''' I'm going to enjoy this. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' You were supposed to finish me off. Now you just get to watch with the other hench bags. Surrounded by the jeering throng, the hero faces certain doom. The heartbreaker looks on. When it's over, she'll regret shunning his advances. :'''NoFace:''' Now you feel... my pain! :'''Rex:''' First, a few ground rules. Nothing below the belt, and I have a date on Friday, so easy on the face. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' It's not exactly a problem in your case, having NoFace and all. Huh? :''[Rex gasps]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Aah! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' No anchovies on pizza. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' No stripes with plaids. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Aah! Termine ser sentados, Por favor! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[weakly]'' Is this what you wanted? :''[Collapses from his inquiries, causing Circe to open her eyes]'' :'''Circe''' ''[tearful, pleading]'': Stop this! Please! You need him alive! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Alive-- Yes. Heart pumping, lungs breathing. But his mind? The less that's left of that, the better. Circe, I warn you. Lift so much as a finger to help him, and you're finished! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'll have this trash removed. And now that you've had your fun, it's time to finalize our-- :'''NoFace:''' We will have our full revenge! :'''Van Kleiss:''' It seems we've reached something of an impasse. :'''NoFace:''' We take orders from no one else! :'''Rex:''' I'm not driving a wedge between you, Am I? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Well played. :'''Rex:''' Good news for me. For you, not so much. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Pity we couldn't have worked something out. Breach, if you would? :''[Van Kleiss sighs]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Looks like the hard way, then. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Huh? His work here finished, the hero does the noble thing. He runs like a thief. Adiós! :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' Where the heck have you been?! :'''Rex:''' You're not still holding on to that, are you? Because it's a good thing-- You know, with the whole... kaboom... Doc, I'm back. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' There you are. Rex, listen to me. If the shield fails, the only solution is a cold reboot of the system. I don't need to tell you what will happen if the thing's in there get out. :'''Rex:''' Keep your lab coat on. This'll only take a minute. Or maybe not. Doc, do you remember back in the briefing all that stuff you were saying about worst-case scenarios? Yeah, we have a winner. I got nothing. :'''Bobo:''' Great. 'Cause this situation's not random enough already. Let's throw some raging teen hormones into the mix. :'''Circe:''' You, Biowulf, even me... We're all just means to an end for him. He doesn't really care about any of us. :'''Rex:''' Oh, you finally figured that out. Well, better late than never, I guess. :'''Circe:''' It's not too late, not if I have anything to say about it. :''[Extends her fleshly and grotesque EVOs mouth]'' :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! There are some of us around here that might not like the sound of whatever you're about to do. :'''Circe:''' I'll adjust the frequency to exclude friendly EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Does that include me? :'''Circe:''' For now. :''[Circe roar echoing]'' :''[Uses her melodious, hypnotic singing to call back the EVOs escaping]'' :'''Bobo:''' Whoa, mama! :''[Bobo grunting]'' :'''Rex:''' I thought you said you could filter it. :'''Circe:''' It's not an exact science. :'''Rex:''' It worked! You're calling them all back! And right towards us! Torn between saving his friends or the world, our hero makes the stupid choice. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Come on, Bobo... Focus! Think bananas! Think how much you hate 'em! :'''Biowulf:''' Get that thing running. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, you'll need to follow this sequence exactly. :'''Rex:''' Not no time for that! :'''Computer''': Shield activation in sixty seconds. Fifty-nine, fifty-eight-- :''[Circe roar echoing]'' :''[Circe groans]'' :'''Bobo:''' Gotcha! Not seeing much of a difference. :'''Rex:''' We are out of here! You coming or what? :'''Biowulf:''' I was never here. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Computer:''' Fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. :''[Circe groans]'' :''[Circe grunts]'' :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss? :'''Rex:''' Eh, Breach'll get him out... Eventually. But right now he's in there, you're out here. You'll never have a better time to consider, you know, your options. :''[Notice the two of them holding hands and let go, blushing]'' :'''Bobo:''' What is it about stealing from our own people that's so dang satisfyin'? :'''Circe:''' You forgot to remove the tracker. :'''Bobo:''' Eh, funny that. :'''Circe:''' I'm not going to Providence. :'''Rex:''' Doesn't matter where you go. All that matters is that you want to go there. That said... I hear Hong Kong's nice this time of year. And so, the tired warrior journeys homeward-- Crisis averted, world saved, villains vanquished. :'''Bobo:''' Girl not got. Again! :'''Rex:''' Do you have to rub it in? ===Robo Bobo=== ===Divide By Six=== :'''One''': ''[Speaking through Rex]'' Six. :'''Six''': One? :'''One''': You left this place, quit life as a mercenary and so rarely returned to visit. :'''Six''': I did what I felt was right, I never meant to dishonor. :'''One''': So rarely, that I never had time to tell you how proud you've made me. :'''Six''': ''[Takes off his glasses for the first time in the series]'' We're going to help you. We're going to take you home. :'''One''': But Six, I am home. ''[Rex falls unconscious while One's body starts changing. Eventually his body dissolves and fertilizes the entire island to its former splendor]'' : '''Six:''' He's still One. He's just one with everything. ===Mixed Signals=== : '''Rex:''' Whoa, big guy! Someone needs to ease off on the cheeseburgers. : '''Six:''' Skip the insults. Start the containment. : '''Rex:''' Like its feelings are going to get hurt. One bad and ugly going down. What? : '''Six:''' Rex? Rex! : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Six:''' You want to explain this? : '''Rex:''' I don't know. It's like some weird vision of this thing filled my head, then built itself out of me. Maybe the vision came from Blobbo. Maybe it's trying to talk to me. Come on, big boy. Send me some more pictures. What's on your mind? : '''Six:''' Groceries. That's what's on its mind. : '''Rex:''' I'm skipping. I'm over it. That vision must have been a fluke. : '''Six:''' All right, then. We're going with a two-prong attack. Use caution. This kind of EVO might be a splitter. Rex! Snap out of it! : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! Ha! I wasn't supposed to do that, right? : '''Six:''' Rex, I want you back at HQ. : '''Rex:''' But I feel okay now. And we've got, um-- Two blobs to put down. : '''Six:''' Now! : '''Holiday:''' No trace of any recent electrochemical or DNA abnormalities. Everything reads normal. : '''Rex:''' But it's like the visions were being transmitted, and I was seeing it from a nanite point of view. : '''Holiday:''' I can't track it, Rex. There's no sign of signal displacement or a nano disturbance. Maybe we should consider the possibility that this is psychological. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Pizza. : '''Holiday:''' I think he's having another vision. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Of lunch? : '''Rex:''' With pineapple and salmon. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Blech! He is nuts. : '''Holiday:''' Aside from a strange choice in pizza toppings, all readings are normal. I can't explain it. : '''Rex:''' Well, if my nanites are trying to get me to build something, maybe we should give them what they want. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Whatever it is, I'm not eating it. Is that my electric toothbrush? : '''Rex:''' It better not be the one I've been using. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Oh. : '''Rex:''' This is what I'm seeing in my head. As stupid as it looks. It's like someone or something is sending me instructions to build some big device. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Or build a pizza with pineapple and salmon. : '''Rex:''' Okay. I'm not sure about that vision. : '''Holiday:''' Is that my hairdryer? : '''Rex:''' I just need to figure out what it does. Maybe it's a time machine. Or-- Or alien technology! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Maybe it's just a big pile of junk. Or a way to order a really awful pizza. : '''Contraption Voice:''' Target acquired. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Wake up! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Provindece Soldier #1:''' Hey, where do you think you're going? We've got a security breach. Front floor. : '''Providence Soldier #2:''' Lockdown protocols enabled. All hands report to duty station. Security speed, take position. : '''Rex:''' Sorry, guys. I might be a little... late. : '''Caesar:''' Case compression. Release. : '''Rex:''' Figures I'd build a machine with a serious attitude problem. : '''Caesar:''' ''[taking off his helmet and turns to Rex]'' Rex, is that you? : '''Rex:''' Who’s asking? : '''Caesar:''' It’s me, Caesar, your brother! Mijo! ''[Hugs Rex]'' You're alive and... older. ''[Rex is dumbfounded]'' Uh. Atomic clock was right... ''[spanish accent]'' Es una problema grande. : '''Rex:''' Uh, yeah. ''[Pushes Caesar]'' It is a big problem. : '''Caesar:''' What is this place? Who are you people? ''[to Rex]'' I'm getting you out of here! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Sorry, amigo. Put your hands up. Or don't. I got a clear shot either way. : '''Caesar:''' ''[is looking at Bobo]'' A talking chimp? : '''Bobo Haha:''' Don't bother. I've heard all the jokes. : '''Caesar:''' Have they hurt you? Are you okay? Stand aside. : '''Rex:''' Hello? Do I get a say in this? : '''Holiday:''' If you're part of some elaborate plan to kidnap Rex, then you failed. : '''Caesar:''' Listen, bonita, you don't wanna make me use this. : '''Rex:''' ''[gets in between them]'' Enough! Normally around here when someone barges in talking crazy, they get around into the deck plates by my giant fists. But you seem legit. I'm going with him. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Okay, brother. Lead the way. So if you are my brother, where have you been all this time? : '''Caesar:''' I'll explain later when we're safe. : '''Rex:''' Uh, this is Providence. We are safe. Usually. : '''Caesar:''' Providence? Never heard of it. To be honest, the last five years has been a bit of a blur. : '''Rex:''' I want to believe you, but I'm gonna need some proof. : '''Caesar:''' Your name is Rex Salazar. Our parents are Violetta and Raphael. The last time I saw you was at the Applied Nanite Research Lab in Abysus; right before those fools triggered a replication cycle. : '''Rex:''' And I have total amnesia so, for all I know, that could be completely bogus. : '''Caesar:''' There's a scar on the back of your left knee you got when you were seven, riding the gantry arm in the reactor annex. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. I always wondered how I got that. :''[they go out and Rex notices Caesar Salazar's pod laboratory]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. Nice wheels. : '''Six:''' ''[Comes out and unsheathed his swords]'' Don't even think about it. : ''[Caesar is about to attack but Rex stops him]'' : '''Rex:''' It's okay. Six isn't going to hurt you. Right, Six? You're comming in a little late on this, but, uh, this is Caesar, my brother, and he wants to get me out of here. So, let's just let my brother have his way and see where this all goes. Wherever you plan on going, they're going to follow us. You know that, right? : '''Caesar:''' They can try. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. Providence ship are pretty fast. : '''Six:''' Track Rex's bio signature and find out who that guy really is. : '''Rex:''' You ain't kidding. This thing moves fast. A-are we in the arctic? : '''Caesar:''' How do you think I got to your location so quickly once the locator signaled me? : '''Rex:''' Locator? You sent me the schematics to build that thing? It tried to crush me like a bug! : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, mijo. I wasn't really trying to hurt. ''[scans Rex's body]'' I was looking for what's hiding inside of you. ''[showing Rex the result]'' The Omega One Nanite. : '''Rex:''' That thing? Holiday discovered it before. We had no idea what it was. : '''Caesar:''' I sent signal instructions for the Omega One to track and contain. But since the nanite has integrated into your DNA, you became the conduit for building the machine. What I don't get is how the Omega One got inside of you. Rylander was supposed to have that under lock and key. : '''Rex:''' Rylander? He's the one who put it inside me. : '''Caesar:''' Why would he do a thing like that? I'm really gonna have to let old fool have it when I see him. : '''Rex:''' Not possible-- Courtesy of Van Kleiss. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss?! What does that third-rate lab hack have to do with this? : '''Rex:''' What? I guess I’m not the only one who needs an update. Where have you been? : '''Caesar:''' It's a long story-- actually, short by my clock. A splinter group had formed at the lab. They had other ideas about how the nanites would be used. We tried to stop them, and you were hurt. The only way to save your life was an infusion of nanites. It was risky, but it worked. We thought that'd be enough to stop the others, make them see the right path. But we were wrong. Mom and Dad were in the reactor. As for me, I managed to escape in my lab. But the shock wave, the same shock wave that probably blanked your memory.... also interfered with engine that powers this pod. I was stuck in sub-light drive. : '''Rex:''' How long? : '''Caesar:''' Fifteen minutes. That's how long it took me to reboot the system. But at the speed I was going, it was 5 years of your time. I knew there was an accident, but I had no idea how bad. My nanite sensors were off the charts. My 1st priority was to insure the OM-1 was safe. That was our promise. And here we are. So, what have I missed these past five years? : '''Rex:''' Providence? We need to talk. They can wait. : '''Caesar:''' So let me understand, there are EVOs and Van Kleiss claimed as their leader? : '''Rex:''' Well, not for all of them, yet. I want to know about me, about our parents. : '''Caesar:''' They were scientists. We lived all over the world. Things settled down when you came along. That was in Geneva. : '''Rex:''' Wait a second. Are you saying I'm Swiss? : ''Caesar:'' Not really. Mother was born in Mexico City. Father in Buenos Aires. : '''Rex:''' And they're really... gone? ''[Caesar slowly nods sadly]'' : '''Rex:''' Um, where exactly did this ship take us? : '''Caesar:''' What do you know?We're back at the original lab site. : '''Rex:''' You mean the one in Abysus? : '''Caesar:''' Is that a problem? : '''Rex:''' I'd say just a small one. We should go, like now. : '''Caesar:''' ''[typing]'' Hmm... Must be low on charge. ''[walks out the door]'' We may be stuck, but on the bright side, I can take a look at some of these variegated organisms. ''[goes out]'' : '''Rex:''' Caesar! Wait! : ''[outside and observing the EVOs]'' : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating. We theorized mutations might occur but never anything this random. : ''[Rex hits the EVO before they got near Caesar]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Sorry, bro, but these guys-- : ''[Rex hits another EVO]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Usually don't sit still for questions. : '''Caesar:''' ''[seeing Rex's new build]'' Hmm... That's new. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Guess I've learned a-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' A few tricks. But they still won't be enough if Van Kleiss shows up with all his goons. Six! : '''Six:'''We're locked onto you. The keep is already on its way. : '''Rex:''' Your ship may be out of juice, but I'm not. Hop on. I can get us out of here. : '''Caesar:''' I won't leave my lab, and you definitely don't want Van Kleiss getting his hands on some of the things in here. I'll try to reroute the capacitors to an alternate power source. : '''Caesar:''' Oh, you wanna see a photo of you, me, and papi? Maybe later. : '''Rex:''' You're a little off, aren't you, Caesar? : '''Biowulf:''' What was that machine it flew off with? : '''Van Kleiss:''' A laboratory. One I thought I'd never see again. It seems an old friend has returned-Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Providence isn't so bad now, eh, hermano? : '''Caesar:''' Is this a Grinnell? They always made good consoles, except for the random power surges. : '''Six:''' Well? : '''Rex:''' Everything's cool. He's a little kooky, but I'm pretty sure he's my brother. : '''Six:''' Glad to hear it. Now I need you back. We still have some unfinished business. : '''Rex:''' Got to get back to work. : '''Caesar:''' My little brother, the hero. I remember when you just wanted to be a musician. : '''Rex:''' Guitar? No, wait drums. : '''Caesar:''' Accordion. : '''Rex:''' You got to be kidding me! : '''Six:''' As I recall, you started it. : '''Rex:''' Huh? : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Six:''' The EVO is dividing faster than we can contain it. The city is being evacuated. : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Excuse me, admiral. I need you to take me down there immediately. Afraid I'll have to insist. : '''Six:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Are you crazy?! : '''Caesar:''' Depends on who you ask. I had something in my lab that I thought could help. : '''Six:''' Help? You're not even supposed to be outside the keep. : '''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Way to go, bro! First day on the job, and you already got a save! : '''Six:''' Job? : '''Rex:''' Oh, come on, admit it, Six. He just saved our chicharrones. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? What's so funny? : '''Caesar:''' You always make me laugh when you try to speak Spanish. : '''Holiday:''' We've pulled his records, and I've confirmes his DNA. It seems Rex really does have a brother. : '''White Knight:''' If everything I've read about him is true, he could be an incredible asset to Providence. : '''Six:''' Or a major liability. : '''White Knight:''' All the more reason to keep him with us. Give him whatever he needs. : '''Holiday:''' White's right, Six. He knows more about nanites than anyone on the planet. He helped invent them. : '''Six:''' My point exactly. He's settling in? : '''Rex:''' I guess so. Caesar's a little strange. Hard to believe he's actually my brother. : '''Six:''' I'm happy for you, Rex. You always said you wanted to find your family. : '''Rex:''' Thanks, but... You know that? I already did. Caesar may be my brother, but you, Holiday, Bobo, you're who I have a connection with. : '''Bobo:''' Aww, now, see, I'm getting all misty. : '''Caesar:''' There you are. Hmm. Nice view. Say, mijo, you think your cafeteria could whip up a pizza with pineapple and salmon? I've been craving one for days. : '''Bobo:''' Connection, huh? ===Outpost=== :'''Alvarez:''' Did you hear that? Aah! :'''Providence Agent:''' Alvarez! :'''Valentina:''' He will be fine in a few hours. :'''Providence Agent:''' Drop it. :'''Valentina:''' I was planning to. :''[Alvarez grunts]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' They are free. :'''Valentina:''' Muy bueno. Providence is now at war with the Green Fist! :'''Rex:''' Come on, doc. Are you serious? Another one? Ouch! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Oh, this is really necessary. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The rainforest is rife with diseases, poisonous insects, and worse. I don't want you coming down with anything. :'''White Knight:''' Is he ready to go? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' As ready as he'll ever be. :'''Rex:''' He's wondering how come Six doesn't have to get a shot if he's also going? :'''White Knight:''' Six is still in New Zealand, dealing with a... Small problem. :'''Rex:''' Oh sure. Let him deal with the small stuff. While I do all the hard work. :'''White Knight:''' ''[to Rex]'' We don't have time to wait for him. You're going solo. :'''Bobo:''' Hey! Where he goes, I go. :'''White Knight:''' Like I said-- Solo. Now, this Green Fist group have been stealing EVOs all over South America. We believe they will hit Corazon de Selva next. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The Providence station there has just captured a large batch of EVOs in the jungle. :'''Rex:''' Bobo and I are ready to roll. :'''White Knight:''' Be careful. For all we know, the Green Fist could be selling EVOs to Van Kleiss. :'''Bobo:''' I'm ready for carnival! Let's party! :''[White Knight clears throat]'' :'''White Knight:''' The situation down there is... complex. I need both of you to handle the mission quietly and with diplomacy. :'''Rex:''' I can be diplomatic. Oh, by the way, you might want to think about switching to low-fat, White. Starting to look at little... Jowly. :'''Bobo:''' Better leave the diplomacy to the small one. :'''Rex:''' This is the town? :'''Bobo:''' Something tells me they're not in the mood to party. Maybe a knock-knock joke would lighten things up? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' You must be Rex. :'''Rex:''' You're Agent Martrello? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' You may call me "Oso", my friend. :'''Rex:''' White Knight said to send his regards. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Maybe he could come visit sometime, get some sun, see what it's like on the front lines nowadays? ''[laughing. Then to Bobo]'' This must be the monkey. He does tricks? Hello, señor Bobo. :'''Bobo:''' ''[puts his palm to Oso's mouth]'' That's "Agent Haha" to you, buddy. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Come. The station is not fair. :'''Bobo:''' Doesn't anybody mow the grass around here? :''[Oso Maretelo chuckles]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Often. But the jungle can only be kept at bay, not subdued. :''[Oso Maretelo grunting]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' There we go. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Apologies. The air-conditioning is down again. :'''Bobo:''' Makes our place look like the penthouse suite. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' But who needs air-conditioning? We're here to work! The kennel is this way. Most of these EVOs we brought in last week from deep in the jungle. A tempting target for the Green Fist. :'''Rex:''' Whoa. It's packed in here! What are you gonna do with all of them? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' The big ones are shipped to larger facilities, like yours. These smaller ones stay here. They're really quite harmless, but the world wants EVOs captured, so we keep them. Oh, careful! This EVO is not like the rest. Took down six of my agents before we caught it. :'''Rex:''' Is it really tiny or something? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' That's strange. He was here this morning, he can't have escaped. Aah! :'''Bobo:''' Peekaboo. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Aah! :'''Bobo:''' Yah! :'''Rex:''' You all right there, buddy? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' I think you've both earned that cold drink you wanted. :'''Rex:''' See? This gig isn't so bad. Cold drinks, fringe benefits. :'''Bobo:''' It's on the fringe, all right, but I don't see the benefit. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Drink, Agent Haha. Horchata, the rice milk, is good for you. Besides... It's all they serve here. :'''Rex:''' I think it's pretty good, but how come we can't get any service? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' We're Providence. All they know is when there's trouble, Providence is there. Our relationship with them is, uh, complex. :'''Rex:''' Complex? We protect them from EVOs. You know, this calls for a little diplomacy. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, brother. :'''Rex:''' Excuse me. :'''Waitress:''' ¿Sí? :'''Rex:''' Uh... Uh... :''[Waitress chuckles]'' :'''Waitress:''' You don't look like the usual Providence soldiers. :'''Rex:''' That's 'cause I'm not. Name's Rex. Maybe you've seen me on the news? :'''Waitress:''' No. :'''Rex:''' Uh, what's that? :'''Waitress:''' The horchata anejo. It's aged. Muy sabrosa. :'''Rex:''' I'll take a pitcher of that. :'''Waitress:''' We only make one pitcher a night. They have it. :'''Rex:''' Hey, mind if I try some? :'''Valentina:''' It's too strong for you, gringo. :'''Rex:''' Gringo? So Mexicano! :'''Valentina:''' Y tambien eres Providencia. Okay. Let's see if you can handle it. :'''Rex:''' Gracias. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex gulps]'' :'''Rex:''' Ugh! That's good! Smooth! :''[Rex gagging]'' :''[Oso Maratelo laughs]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[after taking a drink]'' I don't get what makes it so special. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' It's made from rice that's passed through the digestive system of a monkey. :''[Rex spits his drink]'' :''[Valentina growls]'' :''[Biruta grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Whoa! :''[Woman gasps]'' :''[Woman grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Woman:''' Aah! :'''Old Man:''' Aah! :'''Man:''' Aah! :'''Biruta:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' I can't use my EVO powers against them! I don't want to hurt these people! :'''Bobo:''' I wish they felt the same about us! :'''Rex:''' Oso, you know how to use one of those? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' The lariat? Oh, yes. I grew up roping steer on my Uncle's Rancho. :'''Bobo:''' Rex! :'''Biruta:''' El es un EVO! :''[Valentina sighs]'' :''[Oso Maretelo laughs]'' :'''Rex:''' So, what do you think of that? Aah! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Waitress:''' ''[tossing Rex, Bobo and Martello out the bar]'' You are like the other Providence agents-- Bad for business! :''[Oso Maretelo laughs]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' This is where diplomacy gets you, my young friend. Now, are you up for a stakeout? :'''Bobo:''' Not me! I'm out of with this town and these ungrateful people. I'm going home. :'''Rex:''' But, Bobo, we need you for a special undercover mission? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Please, Agent Haha. You are the key to the entire operation. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, yeah? Well, you could have said that before. :''[Oso Maretelo laughs]'' :''[Bobo grunting]'' :'''Biruta:''' Quiet! I'm trying to free you from Providence! :'''Bobo:''' I am Providence, dummy. :''[Biruta grunts]'' :''[Oso Maretelo laughs]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' These toys of yours-- They're for children! :''[Biruta grunts]'' :''[Valentina grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Who're you working for? :''[Valentina grunts]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' You?! Horchata girl?! What do you think you're doing?! :'''Valentina:''' I'm feeding all your prisoners, creep! :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Aah! :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! :'''Rex:''' Scratch marks? Weird. What the heck did this? :''[Valentina screams]'' :'''Valentina:''' Huh? Aah! :'''Rex:''' Take a number! I have business with the señorita first. Aah! :''[Valentina grunting]'' :'''Rex:''' Aah! Aah! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Bobo:''' Hyah! :'''Valentina:''' Aah! :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, and stay down! :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Rex, you okay? :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I feel... fine. I hope Holiday gave me a shop or whatever that was. :'''Valentina:''' For the last time, we don't work for Van Kleiss! The Green Fist fights for the EVOs who cannot fight for themselves. We set them free-- Nothing more. :''[Bobo snorts]'' :'''Bobo:''' Just what we need-- Humans for ethical treatment of EVOs. :'''Valentina:''' Ugh! We were returning them to their natural habitat! What Providence does is wrong and against the natural order of things! ''[to Rex]'' You're a traitor to your own kind! :'''Rex:''' That thing you set free-- It's natural order is to exterminate mankind! It wanted to kill you! Your men are dying because of it. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I wish I had better news. :'''Rex:''' Thanks anyway, doc. We'll call with updates. :'''Bobo:''' What did she say? :'''Rex:''' The nanites in my system are fighting off the toxin, but that's only slowing it down. We need to make an anti-toxin, or-- or... :'''Valentina:''' Or se va a morir! :'''Bobo:''' In English! In English! :'''Rex:''' It's doing to me what it's done to Valentina's men. If we don't get the anti-toxin soon, they'll die, and, eventually, I will, too. :'''Bobo:''' Think I liked it better in Spanish. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' If I can get a blood sample of that EVO with this, it'll beam its DNA sequence back to Holiday and she'll be able to instantly synthesize an anti-toxin. :'''Rex:''' I want to go. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' You're sick. :'''Bobo:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' I'm better equipped than any agent you have, and you know it. :''[Oso Maretelo sighs]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Very well. You'll come with me and a team of my best men. :'''Valentina:''' You're killing him if you do that. Listen, you need me, Providence man. I know that jungle better than anyone. Your big, noisy party will alert that EVO. You won't get within a mile of it. My men are dying, too. Let me free! :'''Oso Maretelo:''' You think I'm going to let you just walk out of here alone? :'''Rex:''' No. I'm going, too. :''[Bobo grunting]'' :'''Bobo:''' Aah! :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Anything yet? :'''Rex:''' Nothing. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Rex, once you get the sample of the EVO's blood for the anti-toxin, I'll pick you up in the jump jet. White Knight wants you sticking to his orders, nothing more-- Capture the EVO and bring back the prisoner. :'''Rex:''' Gotcha. :'''Valentina:''' Orders? Prisoners? You wonder why we're suspicious of Providence. :'''Rex:''' We're protecting people. What we're doing is good. I believe that. :'''Valentina:''' You think I don't believe in what I do? Who decides who's right-- Your White Knight? :''[Bobo snoring]'' :'''Rex:''' All we found out here are goats from the village-- At least what's left of them. :''[Rex groans]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Valentina:''' You all right? :'''Rex:''' I'm fine. Let's just hope this trap works. :''[Bobo snoring]'' :'''Bobo:''' ''[to the creature]'' Hey, pal, didn't anybody tell you the trap's over there? Aah! :'''Valentina:''' We've caught him! :'''Bobo:''' No! You caught me! Big difference! :'''Rex:''' Aaah! That's it. No more running. Hyah! Ahh! Okay, time for more running! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Ahh! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Adiós! Aah! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' The toxins are breaking down my nanites! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Valentina:''' Over here! Come and get me! :'''Rex:''' Don't! It'll kill you! :'''Valentina:''' You're too ill to fight it! :'''Rex:''' Look, put down the flower basket and trust me. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' On my signal. Come on. Don't you want a nice Rex burger for breakfast? Not yet. Not yet. Now! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Valentina:''' You caught it. You've saved my men. :'''Rex:''' We caught it... Together. First my cure... Now his. I don't believe it. This thing... It isn't an EVO. :'''Valentina:''' The fangs, the toxin... The goat! Of course! How could I have been so blind? This animal is a chupacabra! :'''Rex:''' Chupacabra? Isn't that a myth, like bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster? :'''Valentina:''' I thought it was only a legend, too. :'''Rex:''' Providence must have come blundering onto its home turf and captured it. :'''Valentina:''' So... What will you do? :'''Rex:''' Only one option, as far as I see it. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Go on. Get! Get! :'''Valentina:''' There are things in this jungle stranger than EVOs and older than man. :'''Rex:''' Well, as long as they stay here, we won't have anymore problems. Doc, did the sample beam through okay? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm synthesizing the anti-toxin right now. It'll be at the base by the time Oso picks you up. :'''Rex:''' He'll be here soon with the jump set. You better get going. :'''Valentina:''' Your orders were to bring me back. :'''Rex:''' I don't always follow orders. :'''Valentina:''' Thank you. This still doesn't make up for spitting the horchata in my face. :'''Bobo:''' Ooh, slick. If it was me, I would have kissed her. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' The anti-toxin will have you back to normal within the hour. Now, what happened with the woman? :'''Rex:''' She, uh, got away. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' I see. You're learning, my friend. It's complex. A woman like that-- It makes our problems with EVOs seem simple, no? :''[Oso Maretelo laughs]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Safe journey, my friends. I hope to see you again. :'''Bobo:''' That makes one of us. :'''Waitress:''' Wait! For your trip! :'''Rex:''' Uh... Gracias. How'd I earn this? :'''Waitress:''' I heard what you did. The chupacabra-- It stole my abuela's goat. Providence is going to buy her a new one. Thank you. :''[Waitress smooches]'' :'''Bobo:''' Hey, if that's all it took to make you happy, we would have run off with the goat when we first came to town. Aah! Aw! Some thanks! ===Haunted=== ===Moonlighting=== ===Without a Paddle=== ===Written in Sand=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I need an uptade. :'''Rex''': I'm right at the edge. Anything still alive in there is trying to get away from the sandstorm. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's not the storm they're running from. The nanites inside them are forcing the animals away. It's creating a kind of nanite-free zone. :'''Rex''': Ha! We should call White Knight. Maybe he'll move here and leave us all alone. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's no laughing matter, Rex. It could be the most significant development since the original nanite event. :'''Rex''': Yeah, yeah. Possible cures save the world-- Got it. I'll check it out. :'''Bobo''': Hey, doc. You may wanna get a load of this over here. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Negative. The storm is moving in too fast. Just place a sensor and pack it in. :'''Rex''': Hey. No. It couldn't be. Rex to base. We got trouble of the egomaniacal EVO kind. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Van Kleiss is here? Why am I not surprised? :'''Rex''': I think the real question is, if everything else is in such a race to get out, why is he going on? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, wait. :'''Rex''': Don't worry, doc. It's me. What could possibly happen? :'''Skalamander''': RARGH! PTUH! They're nothing but dirt. :'''Biowulf''': My senses-- Useless in all this sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': This phenomenon deserves my personal attention. What we seek is nearby. I can feel it pushing against me. :'''Rex''': ''[Rex emerges from the sand storm]'' Yeah? :''[Skalamander grunts]'' :'''Rex''': ''[Rex kicks Skalamander]'' How about kicking against you, too? :'''Van Kleiss''': Rex! You're not welcome here. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Now, that hurt my feelings! :''[Rex groaning]'' :''[Skalamander pins him to the sand, causing him to groan in pain]'' :''[Skalamander laughs]'' :'''Rex''': Aaah! Whoa! :'''Van Kleiss''': If I never see your face again, It will be too soon! :'''Rex''': Yeah? The feeling's-- Whoa! Mutual! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex? Rex, do you read me? :''[Bobo coughing]'' :'''Bobo''': Okay, we gotta get outta here. I got sand in places I didn't even know I had places. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, if you can hear me, we're retreating to the safe zone. Rendezvous with us there. :'''Rex''': AAAAH! WHOA-OHHHHHHH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex coughs]'' :'''Rex''': Okay, Kleiss-- Go time! No EVO allies, just you and-- Whoa! Uh, sorry, buddy. Didn't mean to bring you along for the ride. :'''Van Kleiss''': I don't need my EVO allies, when I can simply make more. :'''Rex''': Don't get me wrong-- I love punching stuff. But anything you can do, I can undo better! We can do this all day. Or you can just spill it. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': Why are you causing this nanite-free zone? :'''Van Kleiss''': How convenient it must be to make me the root of all evil. I'm not causing it. I've come to discover the source and destroy it. :'''Rex''': This could be the cure to nanites. :'''Van Kleiss''': And I live off nanites. What Providence calls a cure, I call death. :'''Rex''': Really? Haven't we moved past this? :'''Van Kleiss''': Huh? :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :''[After Van Kleiss creates a scorpion EVO to attack Rex, it attacks him instead.]'' :'''Rex''': That is the funniest thing I have ever seen! Hang on-- I got to get this on video. ''[Takes out cell phone and starts recording Van Kleiss dodging the scorpion EVO.]'' :''[Van Kleiss panting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Something's wrong. I should be controlling this creature. :'''Rex''': Stinks to be you. Huh? You ruined my shot! :'''Van Kleiss''': I believe we've found something more interesting. :'''Rex''': You like to point out the obvious, don't you? :'''Bobo''': Don't get me wrong-- I love the kid, but if we don't pull stakes now, we'll be combing dust outta all sorts of places for years. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Too late. Hold on to everything that's not tied down. This is going to be a bumpy... ride. :'''Six''': Holiday? I trust you're all right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': I'm fine, Six. But Rex is still out there-- With Van Kleiss. I can't reach him. :'''Six''': We'll prep a rescue party. Prepare to come aboard. :'''Rex''': Hey! :'''Van Kleiss''': This is not simply a nanite-free zone. Something is stealing the nanites from our bodies. If we linger here too long, we may both find ourselves defenseless against the other. :'''Rex''': Well, then, we'd better blow this joint. And when I say "we" I mean "me". :''[Rex tries to escape and fails]'' :'''Rex''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': If either of us is to escape this place, we will have to work together. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': What exactly are you suggesting? :'''Van Kleiss''': A temporary truce. :'''Rex''': An extremely temporary truce. :'''Van Kleiss''': We'll work our way to the center of the nanite storm. :'''Rex''': No, we work our way out of the nanite storm and get Providence in here to figure out what's happening. :'''Van Kleiss''': Providence? They can't be trusted. :'''Rex''': Them? Didn't you try to take over New York? And Europe? And the world? :'''Van Kleiss''': You need to listen to me, Rex. Without a powers, you're nothing but a child. :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah? Truce over! Okay. This is awkward. Hey, is it just me, or are you getting really dust? :'''Van Kleiss''': It's happening faster than I thought. :'''Rex''': What's happening faster? If you know something, you'd better spit it out, or-- Whoa! It all looks fossilized. Like it's made completely out of... sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': Not only are there no nanites here, this is pure silicone. There are no other elements-- No carbon, calcium, hydrogen. It appears that this zone not only destroys nanites, but is-- :'''Rex''': Squeezing the life from the Earth. This isn't sand. This is me! :''[Rex whimpering]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': These glyphs-- There's something familiar about them. Sumatran? Mesopotamian? :'''Rex''': Less geeking, more escaping! :'''Van Kleiss''': We need to find the epicenter of this maze. These glyphs may hold the answer. :'''Rex''': Only if one says "exit sign." :'''Van Kleiss''': No need to panic, Rex. We have at least twenty minutes before fossilization-- Give or take. :'''Rex''': "Don't panic"-- Says the guy who used to be dirt. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Rex''': We're turning into walking litter boxes, and you're checking out caveman graffiti? No wonder I'm always kicking your butt. :'''Van Kleiss''': You don't have an investigative bone in your body, do you? So strongheaded-- Just like your mother. ''[Rex is silent]'' No, you don't like that, do you-- That I know more about you than you do? :'''Rex''': Skip the head games. Isn't exactly a good time. :'''Van Kleiss''': No, but perhaps it is time for some truth. We may perish down here, Rex. Ask me anything you want about the past, and I'll answer it. :'''Rex''': ''[looks at his own slowly fossilizing body]'' Sell it somewhere else. I'm not buying. :''[walks away]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, so the great and powerful Providence has finally come through on their promise to help you remember your past. :'''Rex''': Something better-- Someone who was actually there at the Nanite Event. :'''Van Kleiss''': Aha. Your brother, Caesar. :''[Van Kleiss chuckles evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': I've been following you both very closely since his... miraculous reappearance. Even if you don't want to hear what I have to say, this one's for free. Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': ''[creates his BFS and holds it at Van Kleiss' throat]'' What are you getting at? :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, no, no. That's not how this works. It isn't my turn. Quid pro quo, Rex. If you want to know more-- Why don't we start with something simple? Rylander's Omega Nanite. I know it's inside you. :'''White Knight''': Status uptade? :'''Six''': Still no fix on Rex. Scanners can't cut through the storm, so we're moving in to stage a recon. :'''White Knight''': I will not risk everyone on board that ship for one agent. Not even that agent. :''[Holiday subtly ends the call. Then to Six]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Whoops. Guess the satellite feed went down. Nasty sand. :''[Six smirks]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Caesar? Wanted you to know we haven’t found him yet. :'''Caesar''': Found who? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. :'''Caesar''': Right. Ah. Sorry. That was, uh, fifteen minutes ago. I've done about five hundred task since then. Try calibrating the keep's sensors to search for traces of Selenium. It's something Rex naturally gives off, like dandruff. :'''Dr. Holiday''': I-- Really? Hmm. Okay, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss''': So what you're saying is, the motor runs off of gravity and the only exhausts are atoms of selenium. :'''Rex''': Now you. Squid Pro... Whatever. The nanites, the Event. What started all this? :'''Van Kleiss''': He didn't tell you? I'm not surprised. It was Caesar. :''[Rex pushes Van Kleiss to nearest wall and take out his BFS once again]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Wasteful, Rex. :'''Rex''': You're lying! :'''Van Kleiss''': Hardly. Your brother is responsible for the most significant catastrophe in human history. You have to admit that as brilliant as Caesar is, he's... not quite right. Am I telling you something that you haven't already noticed? :''[Rex groans]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': HAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss coughing]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': You seem to have awoken some sort of defense mechanism. :'''Rex''': What are they defending? Rocks? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Before we're totally devoid of nanites, we need to end this now-- Together. :'''Rex''': Back to back! :'''Van Kleiss''': What? :'''Rex''': Haven't you ever read a comic book? Back to back! No way. These markings-- They're not hieroglyphics. They're circuit boards. This whole cave, this valley-- It's one giant circuit board. These are data conduits-- Ms. Hubs! :'''Van Kleiss''': You're right. These spirals are solid-state storage-- The standard design for a firewall in a CPU. :'''Rex''': Did you just say I'm right? Now that I know what we're dealing with, it's a simple matter of-- Hacking in. This is malo-- Muy malo. Van Kleiss, meet the psycho computer who calls herself-- :'''Van Kleiss''': Zag-RS? :'''Rex''': How do you know that? ''[Zag-RS notices them and attacks them]'' You know Zag-RS? How? :'''Van Kleiss''': She was designed as a decontamination program at the original nanite laboratory. Her task was to destroy any rogue nanites that escaped from the holding tanks. :'''Rex''': She did a great job. Whoever designed her should be taken out and beaten with a tendril. :'''Van Kleiss''': Caesar designed her. :'''Rex''': I'm gonna have to have a chat with my brother when this is over. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Focus, you fool. If we're to survive this, we have to use whatever nanites we have left to shut her down. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': No problemo! Ah, come on! Stay up! Show off! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Well, this bites. :''[Rex straining]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Didn't I leave you in orbit? Shouldn't you have burned up in re-entry or something? :'''Zag-RS''': Re-entry resulted in a hard desert landing. This unit faced complete system failure. Salvation came from integration with the host space station power cell, where new initiatives were established. :'''Rex''': Turning the world into a sandbox? :'''Zag-RS''': Correct. The prevention of organic infection by elimination of organic matter and securing the Earth core system. Soon, this world will function without flaw. :'''Rex''': Van Kleiss! Change of plan! While, I've got Zaggy occupied, you go and warn Providence before it's too late! :'''Van Kleiss''': There's no time. Her strength is growing exponentially. To achieve victory, you must trust me. :'''Rex''': Trust you?! That's comedy gold! Even if I was that big of a doof, neither one of us had enough power to fight back! :'''Van Kleiss''': That's not entirely true. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Van Kleiss''': I've not been completely honest with you. :'''Rex''': Stunned-- Really. :'''Van Kleiss''': The Omega Nanite within you has a self-replicating program. You can create your own nanites. :'''Rex''': What?! Why didn't you tell me! :'''Van Kleiss''': A calculated emission. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': No way. :'''Van Kleiss''': There-- That is the heart of Zag-RS. Strike while you can! :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah! Now we're talking! Normally, I don't fight girls, but this time I'll make... A big... giant... robot exception! :'''Dr. Holiday''': I found him, Six-- twenty kilometers northeast. There's a huge spike in trace selenium. :'''Six''': Charge all weapons. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The storm's starting to break. But please don't crash. :'''Rex''': YAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': That's not fair! It worked in the movie! :''[Rex whimpers]'' :''[Rex groaning]'' :'''Rex''': AAAH! :'''Zag-RS''': You have miscalculated, human. The more nanites you replicate, the more energy you supply me. 7.5 seconds until I overtake your production. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Zag-RS''': 4.3 seconds. :'''Van Kleiss''': AAAAAAAAAH! :'''Rex''': YAAAAAAH! One psycho robot down, one supervillain to chicken! Finally! :'''Bobo''': What, you never heard the term "fashionably late"? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Your nanite-replicating function seems to be working well. Most of Zag-RS' alterations have been expunged. :'''Rex''': Meaning... What? :'''Bobo''': You ain't gonna wash away at high tide. :'''Caesar''': This is my design. :'''Rex''': Great-- My brother created Zag-RS. :'''Caesar''': Evidently. Though her evolution into some sort of sentient nanite-slayer is most curious. :'''Six''': Curious? :'''Rex''': What about what Van Kleiss said? :'''Caesar''': You mean I'm to blame for the original nanite event? Why don't we ask her? Wait! Interface protocols. Code designate Zag-RS. Respond. :'''Zag-RS''': Dr. Salazar. Good morning. How may I assist you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Stand down, gentlemen. Zag-RS has been successfully rebooted. But her memory has been wiped clean. :'''Rex''': What? You got to be kidding me! :'''Caesar''': That's interesting. Hmm. Van Kleiss must have implemented a program dump before he left you. It's the only logical conclusion. :'''Rex''': Program dump? :'''Van Kleiss''': Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': Great. So now all we've got is a lame decontamination program with a GPS lady's voice? :'''Caesar''': GPS lady? Hardly. :'''Rex:''' I was making a joke. :'''Caesar''': Don't you recognize it? When I programmed her, I wanted a voice that meant safety, protection, caring. Rex, this is our mother's voice. :'''Rex''': ''[shocked]'' Mama? ===Night Falls=== : ''[Caesar's Pod Laboratory arrives at the town of Mexico City]'' : '''Rex:''' Are we there yet? ''[moving his legs and hugs his legs]'' All this futuristic technology and you never thought of adding a bathroom. ''[points at the monitor]'' City Hall! It must have a bathroom! Pull over-- Now! ''[Esteban writing some paperwork as the ground starts to rumble, He immediately ran outside looking at Caesar's research pod landing. The door opens and Rex finally made on solid ground.]'' Baño? : ''[Esteban awkwardly points the bathroom]'' : ''[Rex runs]'' : ''[The elevator in Research pod went up and then down with Caesar]'' : '''Esteban:''' Caesar. ¿Eres tú? : '''Caesar:''' ''[suspecting face]'' Esteban? : '''Esteban:''' It's Mayor Esteban now. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Caesar:''' Mayor? When you ran for class president, Maria Rodriguez got all the votes. : '''Esteban:''' She was smarter and much better-looking. And I see you're still building your crazy contraptions. What brings you back to town? : '''Caesar:''' To visit Abuela. It's a surprise. : '''Esteban:''' You don't want to go there. It's not the same as you remember. : ''[Rex righs]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[runs to the research pod]'' Okay, bro, let's go! ''[Rex went up to the lab]'' : ''[Esteban chuckling]'' : '''Esteban:''' ''[looking at Rex]'' Is that little Cabeza de Trapo? : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Caesar:''' I haven't thought of that for years. ''[Caesar went up to the lab]'' : '''Rex:''' What? : '''Caesar:''' No es nada, mijo. We'd better get going. : '''Esteban:''' At least stay in town tonight. You can head up to abuela's in the morning. : '''Caesar:''' It's been over five years, Esteban. We're not waiting another minute. : ''[Door closes and Research pods departs]'' : '''Rex:''' If she's not really our grandmother, why are you calling her "abuela"? : '''Caesar:''' There may not be a biological connection, but she practically raised the entire town. When you were a boy, you spent every summer here. : ''[Rex stops and feels incomplete]'' : '''Rex:''' I wish I could remember her. Or any of this. : '''Caesar:''' I'm sure she'll be excited to see you. Just prepare yourself for a lot of sloppy grandma kisses. : ''[Caesar pats Rex's hair and keeps on moving]'' : ''[Rex knocks at the door, The door opens by Abuela]'' Abuela, it's me-- Caesar. : ''[The Salazar brothers show themselves while Caesar holds a Bouquet of flowers]'' : '''Abuela:''' Caesar! And is that my Cabeza de Trapo? : '''Rex:''' Why is everyone calling me that? : '''Abuela:''' What are you doing here? : '''Caesar:''' We've come to visit. May we come in? : '''Abuela:''' ''[Looks at the sky for a brief moment]'' No! ''[slams the door]'' : '''Rex:''' Maybe we should have called first. : ''[The Salazar brothers spend the night in the Research pod with Caesar sleeping at the floor and Rex sleeping on the table. Unintentionally the computer sets thte alarm causing Rex to wake up a bit.]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Ten more minutes, Six. [''covers his ears with his pillow]'' : ''[Caesar opens the door and looks down, Seeing Abuela holding breakfast]'' : '''Abuela:''' Who wants breakfast? : ''[Rex immediately wakes up]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Yo! : ''[Rex drops off the table]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Ouch! : ''[After a few minutes, Rex picks up his breakfast]'' : '''Caesar:''' Abuela always was the best cook. : '''Abuela:''' I have missed my niños. ''[Puts her hand on Rex's shoulder]'' Rex, I have been following your work with Providence, and I always knew you would be a big important scientist. : '''Rex:''' So, why did you slam the door on us last night? : '''Abuela:''' Oh, that. You just caught me off guard. We weren't expecting visitors. : '''Rex:''' I thought you always-- : '''Caesar:''' Enough with the questions, little brother. : '''Abuela:''' Let me look at you. : ''[Abuela grabs Rex's face]' : '''Rex:''' Mmph! : '''Abuela:''' I can't believe how you have grown. Come, see-- The rest of the family. : '''Rex:''' Does everyone in town live here? : ''[Caesar chuckles]'' : '''Caesar:''' I remember evenings here, laughing, telling stories. And the food! Rex, if you thought breakfast was good, wait and see what abuela makes for dinner. : '''Abuela:''' It is an old building. There are always repairs. : '''Federico:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Huh? : ''[Rex chuckles nervously]'' : '''Rex:''' Uh... What's up? : '''Federico:''' It's me-- Federico. Have you forgotten the secret shake? : '''Abuela:''' You and Federico were best friends when you were little. : '''Caesar:''' Cabezas de trapo! : '''Rex:''' Why do you keep calling me that? : '''Caesar:''' You used to put underpants on your heads and act out Lucha Libre movies. : '''Rex:''' Glad I don't remember that. : '''Federico:''' Lucky you. : '''Esteban:''' Abuela, I must speak to you. : '''Abuela:''' Someone has forgotten his manners. : '''Esteban:''' You can't just keep avoiding me. My phone has been ringing off the hook. The village is concerned about the recent activity. : '''Abuela:''' Well, it shouldn't be. What goes on here is our own business. : '''Esteban:''' Not when it leaves these walls. The situation is getting worse. : '''Abuela:''' We've made the necessary corrections. It won't happen again. : '''Esteban:''' You got one last chance to get out of town. Or I will evict you myself. : '''Abuela:''' An old squabble. You don't need to worry. : '''Caesar:''' What aren't you telling us, abuela? : '''Abuela:''' Time to start making dinner. : '''Rex:''' Dinner? We just had breakfast. : ''[Caesar chuckles]'' : '''Caesar:''' Trust me. ''[Stands up with his glass]'' To family! : '''Rex:''' Is it like this every night? : '''Federico:''' Pretty much. : ''[Rex chuckling]'' : ''[The kid kicks the ball high, Frederico stands up and catch the ball and dribbled. Rex was impress.]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey. You're pretty good. Everything about going pro? : ''[Frederico drops the ball, awkward silence]'' : '''Federico:''' Not anymore. : ''[Rex picks up the ball, kicks it. The ball lands on the table splashing the food all around, everyones laughting. The bell rings and everyone starts going away.]'' : '''Rex:''' Okay, maybe not my best move, but it wasn't that bad. : '''Abuela:''' Come, children! : ''[Caesar and Rex follows Abuela to their room]'' You'll sleep here. : ''[Rex notices Frederico]'' : '''Federico:''' See you in the morning. : ''[Frederico darkly walks into he's room. Rex enters in his. In the room Caesar's unpacking, Rex looks around. Suddently Abuela locks the door.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[to Caesar]'' Did she just lock us in? :''[Rex tries to open the door, fails]'' She just locked us in! : '''Caesar:''' We need to respect our elders. I'm sure she had her reasons. ''[Rex walks to window, Caesar's trying the new bed.]'' Ooh! Bed's pretty comfy. Good night! : '''Rex:''' But-- but... It's only 6:30! : ''[Night, suddently a roar is heard. Rex and Caesar wakes up.]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Sure, that's not weird, either! : ''[Mayor's office, the phone start's ringing.Esteban picks up.]'' : '''Esteban:''' Bueno. I'm glad you cloud return my call. I understand you can help me with my EVO problem. : ''[Salazar's room. Rex and Ceasar already dressed.]'' : '''Rex:''' Frederico? That's his room behind here! : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : ''[Caesar pull's the door, they are still locked.]'' : '''Caesar:''' ''[to Rex]'' Can you break it down? : '''Rex:''' How about respecting our elders? : '''Caesar:''' Technically, I am your elder. Brake it down! : '''Rex:''' I'll do one better! Hunh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Forms Smack hands and punches trought the wall, making a hole that reveals Frederico's room.]'' : '''Rex:''' This place is just full of surprises. Okay, fur face, if you ate my friend-- : '''Caesar:''' Rex! Wait! : '''Abuela:''' There has been a breach! Where is Rex? : '''Caesar:''' I suspect halfway down the hill by now. Abuela-- : '''Abuela:''' I know. : '''Rex:''' Whoa-- Unh! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' AAAAH! Whoa! Unh! UAAAAGH! This is for Federico! : '''Abuela:''' Rex! No! That is Federico! : '''Federico:''' Are those your hands? Genial. I got out again, didn't I? : '''Rex:''' So, you're like a were-EVO? : '''Caesar:''' Lux Lucius Mutatio. Interesting. : '''Abuela:''' Come-- We've got to get back to the house. : '''Esteban:''' I told you this would happen! You can't control them anymore! : '''Rex:''' It wasn't her. It was me. I let them out. I didn't know. : '''Esteban:''' All these EVOs! : '''Abuela:''' They're just boys. : '''Esteban:''' Look at the destruction your boys caused! The people are tired of living in fear! You'll be leaving today! : '''Rex:''' I'm sorry, abuela. I had no idea. And now you have to leave because of me. : '''Abuela:''' I'm not going anywhere! : '''Federico:''' We turn at sundown and then back at sunrise. It only happens to some of us. : '''Caesar:''' I took samples from all of the affected family members. Everyone shares the same genetic code-- something similar to hypotrichosis. : '''Rex:''' Hyper, huh? : '''Caesar:''' Werewolf syndrome. The nanites triggered the dormant gene. : '''Federico:''' Can you cure it? : '''Rex:''' I can try. Strange. I don't feel anything. Do you? : '''Federico:''' Thanks anyway. : '''Caesar:''' I'm seeing no active nanite tracers whatsoever. : '''Rex:''' Well, maybe it's because he's not an EVO form. : '''Federico:''' I just want a normal life again. I don't want to have to leave my home. : '''Caesar:''' Maybe there's a way you can have both. : '''Rex:''' Sorry about the wall. Why didn't you tell us? : '''Abuela:''' Because I didn't want Providence to know. : '''Rex:''' But Providence can help. : '''Abuela:''' By taking those afflicted away? No. Every night when the bell pulls, those that have the change are locked away safely. For years it has been this way and no one has been hurt. : '''Rex:''' But-- You're prisoners in your own home. : '''Abuela:''' You may see it that way, niño. But at least we are a family. : '''Federico:''' You know-- Even though we got busted today, it was kind of fun to get out. : '''Rex:''' Don't you ever feel cooped up in here? : '''Federico:''' There is one thing I missed. Go-o-o-o-al! : '''Rex:''' Why did you stop playing if you love it so much? : '''Federico:''' One day during practice, I stayed late so some scouts could see me play. Sun went down, and, well... They made me quit the league after that. Still haven't replaced the go box. : ''[Federico chuckles]'' : '''Federico:''' Is that Providence? : '''Rex:''' I don't know who it is. : '''Federico:''' We should probably get back. It's almost evening bell. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Rex. : '''Federico:''' That guy just shot my ball! : '''Rex:''' Oh, this is just perfect. Hunter Cane he has a thing for hunting down EVOs I already put him away once. : '''Federico:''' So, what's he doing here? : '''Rex:''' Guessing your mayor called him. : '''Federico:''' No, I mean did, he break out or something? : '''Rex:''' Don't know. Don't care. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Why am I not surprised? This one of them? : '''Rex:''' Bringing this guy here was a bad move. : '''Hunter Cain:''' For them? And I get to settle an old score while I'm at it. Lucky me. : '''Rex:''' No-- Lucky me! : '''Federico:''' Rex, we've gotta go. : '''Rex:''' You don't have to worry. This guy has nothing to sweat. : '''Federico:''' Now! : '''Hunter Cain:''' Well, what do we have here? : ''[Hunter Cain grunts]'' : '''Hunter Cain:''' Esteban, my friend, I may not even charge you for this one. : '''Rex:''' The mayor wasn't kidding. He sent an EVO hunter who likes to shoot first and skip the questions. We'll need every man, woman, and werewolf. : '''Esteban:''' You were warned, abuela. You can live peacefully or we will bring you out. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I didn't come here for conversation. : '''Esteban:''' But you said it would just be a show of force. We run them out of town. No one gets hurt. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I don't negotiate with EVOs or their families. If you don't like what you're about to see, you can head on down the hill. : '''Rex:''' Why don't you join them, hunter? : '''Hunter Cain:''' I never back down from a fight. : '''Rex:''' Neither do I. You bring your magic EVO bullets, or is this going to be a real fight? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Lucky for you, these are the old-fashioned kind. But they hurt just as bad. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, that is kind of annoying. : '''Caesar:''' Just hours ago, there wasn't any nanite activity. But now, it's like night and day. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Caesar:''' That was my little pun. It seems the samples are reacting differently in the absence of sunlight. If I can only work out the photoreactive elements-- : '''Rex:''' I don't even think a cure will stop Hunter Cain. He'll never listen to reason. : '''Caesar:''' I still gotta try. I think I can affect the change in the nanite programming during your nocturnal cycle. If I'm gonna cure this, I have to do it before sunrise. : '''Rex:''' Not a Hunter gets to them first. I can keep doing this till you run out of ammo. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Fire on target! : '''Rex:''' AAAAAAAH! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Note to self-- Don't give him any ideas. You have to let them out! : '''Abuela:''' I made a promise to keep them safe from harm! : '''Rex:''' Where they can't defend themselves? That's exactly what won't happen! : '''Hunter Cain:''' Grandma, step aside. : '''Abuela:''' I stand with my family. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Have it your way. I'll take all of you down. : '''Abuela:''' You obviously haven't met my family. : '''Rex:''' Can't believe we're not related. So, what was your big jail break? Nail pile and a cake? Exploding smoke bomb? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Cold, hard cash. Not everyone at Providence is an EVO-lover. : '''Caesar:''' Huh? Yes! Rex, we can reprogram the nanites to disregard the photoreactive coding of their DNA with a frequency-tuned pulse! That should allow you to cure them! : '''Rex:''' Sounds great, but I've sort of got my hands full. Unh! : '''Caesar:''' You mess with my brother, you mess with me. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Who are you? You an EVO? : '''Caesar:''' No. I'm a scientist. : '''Hunter Cain:''' AAAAH! : '''Caesar:''' Your turn. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa-ho! Wait! I thought you said you had to zap their nanites. : '''Caesar:''' In a manner of speaking. First, I zap you. Then, you have your nanites through do the rest. : '''Rex:''' AAAH! : '''Caesar:''' Too strong. I'll make an adjustment. : '''Rex:''' Adjustment? How about you wait for me to say "okay" next time? You're still here? : '''Hunter Cain:''' When I said I was out of the disintegrator ammo, I lied. One left, and it has your name on it. : '''Rex:''' Federico, I'm not sure if you can understand me, but it might be time for the return of Las Cabezas de Trapo. : '''Caesar:''' I think I've got the settings figured out. : '''Rex:''' You think? AAAH! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Caesar:''' That's more like it. : '''Rex:''' ''[Woozily]'' Okay. Let's give it a try. I'm not trying to hurt you. : '''Abuela:''' Federico, mi corazoncito. Let him try. : '''Rex:''' Maybe we have to wait for a sunrise. We- We made it worse. Now we stuck that way! : '''Federico:''' It isn't him-- It's me. I can control it now! : '''Hunter Cain:''' Doesn't change a thing to me. He's still an EVO. I'm gonna finish the job I came here to do. I'll wipe out the whole compound if I have to. : '''Abuela:''' There is no place for your kind of hatred here! : '''Hunter Cain:''' You think I'm afraid of you? : '''Rex:''' I think you should be. : ''[Hunter Cain spits]'' : '''Rex:''' Hunter knows how to hold a grudge. He'll come back. : '''Federico:''' And we'll be waiting. : '''Rex:''' So, this mean you're gonna try out for the pros? : '''Abuela:''' I think it's time we all go out and live our lives. : '''Rex:''' La familia! : '''Caesar:''' Cabezas de trapo! ===Hard Target=== : '''Rex:''' "It's Breach! She's-" : '''Circe:''' "Messing with you, Rex. Did you actually see on her the other side?" : '''Rex:''' "Well, no but...OK, why Hong Kong?" : '''Circe:''' "Because it's on the other side of the world, because she's seriously messed up." : '''Cricket:'''" Kind of like our place." : '''Circe:''' "Trust me. She's back in Abysus laughing it off with the rest of the Pack. Besides, I'm not that easy to find." : (''Removes the white towel to reveal her shoulder-length black hair partly dyed a deep plum and having donned a dark gray overall dress'') : '''Rex:''' "OK, Rex. Bad intro. Take a do-over. Like the new look." : '''Circe:''' "Wow. A compliment." <hr width80%> :'''Skywdd:''' "And that's when Circe goes all [[w:Siren (mythology)|siren]] and blasts the bus driver's pants clean off." :'''Circe:''' "Lucky shot. Hit the exact frequency of polyester." :'''Tuck:''' "Good thing his boxers were cotton." :'''Rex''' (''uncomfortable'')''':''' "Good one. Uh, Circe, remember when you took down that sea monster in Cabo Luna?" :'''Circe:''' "Please, Rex, I'd rather not remember that right now." :'''Skywdd:''' Geez, Rex. Buzzkill." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Stop it." :'''Skywdd:''' "What's with him?" :'''Circe:''' "Breach lag. Let clean over his bedtime." :'''Rex:''' "That and my early morning snooze. By the way, you were right. Breach wasn't after you. She freed Quarry. Got this from the Providence security feed." :'''Skywdd:''' "Quarry?" :'''Tuck:''' "He's lose?" :'''Cricket:''' "Oh no." :'''Circe:''' "You saw Breach and came back ''here!'' What if she followed you!?" :'''Rex:''' "Don't worry. If Breach were here, I'd feel it. She's here." <hr width80%> : '''Breach:''' "Hey, girlfriend." : '''Circe:''' "Get out of here, Breach!" : '''Breach:''' "But Van Kleiss has so been wanting to chat." : '''Circe:''' "Then deliver a message for him! " : (''Uses her ultrasonic bursts on Breach, who creates a portal behind her, knocking her out with her own sonic abilities)'' : '''Rex:''' "Let her go, Breach!!" : '''Breach:''' "Oh, sorry, Rex. She's gonna save my skin. V.K.'s tough on failure, remember?" : (''Teleports away with an unconscious Circe on her shoulder'') : '''Rex:''' "NO!!" <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Hold that thought. You can come out now. I got that creeped out feeling." :'''Breach:''' "Peek a boo." : '''Skwydd:''' "It's her!'' She took Circe." : '''Rex:''' But not to Van Kleiss. You never went to Abysus, did you? You slipped her into your little pocket dimension. Let her go, Breach! : '''Breach:''' And I agree to that...why? : '''Rex:''' "Because you wouldn't want Van Kleiss to see this. I'm thinking a trade is in order." : (''Breach releases Circe, who is caught by Skwydd'') : '''Circe:''' "I hate you, Breach." ===A Family Holiday=== :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The pace of study has been staggeringly slow. There have been no significant advancements in nanite research since the original event. Simply put, Providence is not doing enough. What is required is not a military response, but a serious, thoughtful reaction, a scientific answer. The poor and afflicted deserve more. The world, deserves more. Let me introduce Diane. Mother of three. Diane has been diagnosed as incurable, a lost cause. Since then, she's been treated like an animal, locked away from her family... No hope on the horizon. Until now. At Moses Labs, we don't rely on tanks, guns, or secret weapons-- Only an unwavering belief that whatever science breaks, science can fix. Welcome back, Diane. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Happy birthday, little sister. :'''Rex:''' Hope that I paid the bills. This is going to be expensive. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Release the hounds. :''[a door opens revealing some Evo hounds]'' :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Heh! I thought that was just a figure of speech. You're a sick puppy. :'''Rex:''' Aah! Not cool, bro! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[Spanish accent]'' Agua, por favor. :'''Caesar:''' Water second, probes first. :'''Rex:''' No offense, but being a guinea pig is a lot less fun when it's you instead of Holiday. :'''Caesar:''' Don't I run the biometric tests with the same efficiency? :'''Rex:''' How are we related? Have you looked at Holiday? :'''Bobo Haha:''' She ain't my species and even I know she's a hottie. :'''Caesar:''' She is... very smart. :'''Rex:''' Where is the Doc anyway? She usually can't wait to get her hands on me. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Saw her this morning, looking pretty grim. :'''Agent Six:''' It's her sister. Her sister's birthday to be precise. Holiday gets introspective this time of year. :'''Caesar:''' Her sister? Oh, is she smart too? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hey guys. Can't talk. Hangar! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Ah, human dames. I don't know how you guys keep up. :''[Dr. Holiday pants]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Thank you for coming, Dr. Moses. It's a genuine honor. :'''Rex:''' Who the heck is that guy? Why is Holiday acting all fangirl around him? :'''Caesar:''' It's Dr. Brandon Moses, the leading researcher in technogenic transmorphing! If anyone's going to develop a kill for EVOs, it's going to be him! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Now, that's actin' fan-girl. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Not the worst I've seen. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you help her? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Beverly would be an excellent candidate for my treatments. Have her transported to my facility. :'''Rex:''' Hold up! I know you have a bunch of letters after your name, but curing EVOs is what I do. Some of them-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Some you just can't handle, Rex. Dr. Moses' research goes to places you don't, so if you don't mind-- 10 minutes, then we'll be in the air. Thank you, doctor. I've earned 5 years' worth of personal time, Knight. I plan to use it all. :'''White Knight:''' I don't like it, but I like your sister even less. Go for your "cure", Holiday. But if it doesn't work, don't bring her back. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Agent Six:''' What do you really know about Dr. Moses? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what I saw. :'''Agent Six:''' You're not taking her to the doctor for a checkup. Has he handed you supporting data? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Why won't you let me have this? It's the first glimmer of hope I've had since Rex got here. :'''Agent Six''': I think you've lost your objectivity. If you can't help her-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's the point! I can't! I need this cure. If you won't help me, stay out of my way! :'''Rex:''' Any chance she's right? :'''Agent Six:''' Hope she is. :'''Rex:''' But we're not going to sit around and do nothing in case she's wrong, right? Today you're my sidekick-- Not a fashion-challenged soccer mom blocking my mojo. If there's any chance of playing hero for Holiday, I call dibs. :'''Security guard:''' Dr. Moses' inventions are not for public viewing-- Especially not by Providence. :''[Security guard grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' That "soccer mom" comment really got to you, huh? When did science geeks start packing heat? Huh? :'''Agent Six:''' Check the machine. :'''Rex:''' I'm no engineer, but as far as I can tell, all this thing does is light up and go "ping". They never cured it! This was a scam! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday's in trouble. Holiday, Moses is a fraud. There is no cure! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What's going on here? Moses, what is this? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Business, Dr. Holiday-- Big business. Now, if you wouldn't mind stepping aside so I can collect your sister-- :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday?! What's happening?! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Or don't step aside. I'm good either way. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! We've got our coordinates. Go! :'''Rex:''' It's a hundred miles away! :'''Agent Six:''' Correct. :'''Rex:''' Hold on to your swords, old man! :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]:'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I trusted you! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' A bad trait, a scientist. But look on the bright side-- You won't be locked in a cell anymore. That was just... Shameful. :'''Rex:''' Be the hero. Be the hero. Be the-- :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' ...Zero. You'll be a lot less grouchy in a few seconds, pal. Half cured? That's new. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They've got Beverly. :'''Rex:''' You wanna talk to her? :'''Agent Six:''' Now's not the time. :'''Rex:''' And when exactly is. She needs a friend, Six. :'''Agent Six:''' I... prefer to keep it professional. Keeps people from getting hurt. :'''Rex:''' Dude. Take off the sunglasses. She's already hurting. If I were you-- :''[Six gets a radio signal]'' :'''Agent Six:''' If you were me, you'd have a lead. Get Holiday. Dust off in 3. :'''Rex:''' Where are we going? :'''Agent Six:''' Moses may be a genius but not because he can cure EVOs. He overpowers them-- Hypercharges the nanites with excess energy to push their transformations. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's why Rex only partially cured that EVO he stripped the EVO of its extra power. But at its core, it was still incurable. :'''Rex:''' We learned something new today. Great. :'''Agent Six:''' Gets worse. Moses has turned his tech into a cottage industry. He takes incurables and weaponizes them to sell to the highest bidder. :'''Rex:''' Don't sugarcoat it, Six. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you find this out? :'''Agent Six:''' I called some former associates-- People who know things, things that good people shouldn't know about. :'''White Knight:''' Question-- Why is my keep on an unapproved mission? :'''Rex:''' It's cool, Knight. We're helping Holiday. :'''White Knight:''' No! We had a deal! Return to base immediately! :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's over guys. I can't drag you down because of my mistake. I won't. :'''Agent Six:''' Keep returning to base. :''[Knight ends the transmission]'' :'''Agent Six:''' I said the keep is returning to base. I didn't say we'd be on the keep. :'''Rex:''' You okay? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hanging in there. :'''Rex:''' Hanging in there is good. I don't like to see you unhappy, you know. I-I mean-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what you mean. Thanks. :'''Agent Six:''' Better luck next time. :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Jealous much, sidekick? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Who is that? :'''Rex:''' Someone who knows things good people shouldn't. :'''Five:''' Machine boy! Like the new ax? You owe me for the last one. :'''Agent Six:''' We'll talk music later, Five. You have word on Moses? :'''Five:''' Five don't lie. Your guy is running an auction-- Tonight. :'''Agent Six:''' I owe you. :'''Five:''' She's a lot more beautiful than you let on, Six. Try not to screw it up this time. :'''Agent Six:''' You coming? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The EVO is the military ordinance of the future. We all know it. You drop one of these babies into your neighbor's backyard, and it's game over. But to get the most annihilation out of your nanites... you need me. :'''Human EVO:''' You promised to cure! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' My technology not only amps up their abilities, but, for an extra charge, will modify their behavior to suit your needs. What am I bid for this army of one? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Bursting in]'' I'll open with extradition for crimes against humanity! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to his bidders]'' Wait! This is just a minor disturbance. :''[Moses groans]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to Holiday]'' Do you know what you just cost me, all for one hopless wreck?! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday hits Moses]'' Her name is Beverly. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Then give sissy a hug. :'''Dr Holiday:''' No! Don't hurt her, Rex! :'''Rex:''' Yeah, sure. Handle with care. Whoa! Can you tell her that, too? :'''Agent Six:''' Going nowhere? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Uh, let's not be ''[chuckling]'' rash. :''[Holiday slaps Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I'm gonna have to get you a dictionary. Rash will not help anyone, especially not Beverly. :''[Holiday grabs Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Who can still be cured. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday drops Moses]'' What? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Brandishing his swords]'' No games. Truth or dead. :'''Rex:''' Fight still going! Need assistance! Big time! Whoa! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I did invent a machine that de-powered nanites, almost. But the bonds and nanite particles were too strong to break. Instead, I discovered that I could reverse the polarity to its maximum, overpowering the nanites. It's easier and-- Profitable. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' But you did isolate the bonds? So, you can break them! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Ugh! Unh! Okay, I called hero, but I need some extra kick for my sidekick! Unh! Seriously! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Time to earn a return on my investments! Kill them all! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! :'''White Knight:''' I won't even bother telling you the trouble you're in. Catch those other EVOs and report to my office the moment you're back. :'''Rex:''' What other EVO-O-O-O-Os? :''[Rex turns around and notices the EVOs behind him]'' :'''Rex:''' Ooos? :'''Rex:''' Think they got it? :'''Agent Six:''' They'd better. We're busy. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Okay. That's the flux transponder. That's the nanite energizer. Don't you explode on me-- Not now. Aah! :'''Rex:''' I'll hand the one crazed sister. You take the other. It'll be like a double date. Don't bother... your sister... while she's working! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I can see what he did, but... uh... there's no time! I can't-- I can't help her! It's over. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday-- Rebecca-- You are the strongest, smartest woman I have ever met, and the most stubborn. :''[Six removes his glasses and looks her in the eyes]'' :'''Agent Six:''' You never give up. If there's a way to help your sister, find it-- now! :''[Slight pause. Holiday smiles and puts Six's glasses back on his face then leaves]'' :'''Agent Six:''' That's my girl. New plan. Corral her to the machine. :'''Rex:''' Plans are good! Yah! What you got, Doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Moses was right. The polarity of the nanite energizer is wrong! I have to amplify and reverse it. But I don't have-- Six... Your magna blades-- But it would be too dangerous. Six! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six! :'''Agent Six:''' Is it working? :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's working. :'''Rex:''' Six, get out of there! :'''Agent Six:''' You called hero on this one, Rex! Finish it-- For her! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Get them out, Rex-- Both of them-- Now! :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Doc! You gotta see this! :''[Dr. Holiday panting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[as she's trying to revive Six]'' Don't you do this to me! I will hate you forever if you-- :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :''[Six coughs]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rebecca? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Beverly! :'''Rex:''' That was... I'm... Wow! Six, I've never said it before and I'll probably never say it again, but... I'm honored to be your partner. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Mushy stuff? Oh! Glad I missed it. :'''Rex:''' But don't ever do anything like that again. :'''Agent Six:''' Agreed. But you have to admit though... It was worth it. :''[Dr. Holiday and Beverly laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' We're not running a boarding house here. No more relatives. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need her for a few more tests, sir. She was only 13 when she went Evo, and she's in a fragile state. :'''Beverly:''' Woo Hoo! :''[Beverly laughing]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rex just took me on a ride through the Zoo on his cycle. :'''White Knight:''' "Fragile." Right. :'''Rex:''' We're going to the mall. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Are you asking permission? :'''Rex:''' No. I'm asking if we can have some money. Providence pays me nada. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can I have a word with you? :'''Agent Six:''' Sure this is a good idea? Could ruin your hero status with Holiday. :'''Rex:''' It's funny. After meeting Bev, out of nowhere, it hit me that Doc Holiday is just a little too old for me. So, since I'm out of the way, I guess there's nothing stopping you anymore, huh, "hero"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Well... right. I guess... I'll set up those tests. :''[Holiday starts to walk past Six. Six takes a hold of her hand]'' :'''Agent Six:''' Or... we could get some dinner. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Outside? In the real world? Like real people? Like a-- :'''Agent Six:''' Yes. Like a date. :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's about time. ===Hong Kong Nights=== ===Whispers in the Dark=== ===Cutting It Close=== ===Exposed=== :'''White Knight''': All Providence personnel, this is a priority-one alert. :'''Agent Six''': Do not panic. Remember your training. :'''White Knight''': In all my years of working at Providence, never have I been put in such a situation. These interlopes could be anywhere at any given moment. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, what's all the-- Whoa! Sorry. We're late. :'''Bobo Haha''': You can't prove a thing! :'''White Knight''': Watch what you say. Watch what you do. The very future of Providence may depend upon it. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, what's going on? Van Kleiss attack in the HQ again? :'''Agent Six''': Worse. :'''Diane Farrah:''' I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. And to find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Rex Salazar''': Aah. :'''Diane Farrah''': All your questions are about to be answered. Welcome to Providence Exposed! ''[Camera closes-up on her face]'' On Ultimate Exposure! And cut. Great into, guys. Okay, moving on. :'''Rex Salazar''': This is cool. :'''Agent Six''': This is wrong. :'''Rex Salazar''': How's my hair? :'''Bobo Haha''': Delicious. :'''White Knight''': Ladies and gentlemen, the delightful Miss Farrah and her crew have used the Freedom of Information Act to force. :''[White Knight clears his throat]'' :'''White Knight''': To allow them access to a day in the life of Providence. And to ensure you are afforded the very best Providence has to offer, I'm assigning our top man as your personal guide. :''[Rex moves towards the news team]'' :'''White Knight''': Six, please show Miss Farrah whatever she wants to see. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. On behalf of Providence, I'd like to welcome you to our facility. :'''Diane Farrah''': Spare me the small talk. I'm here to ask the tough questions, and I expect truthful answers. :'''Agent Six''': Shoot. :'''Diane Farrah''': So.. is there a Mrs. Six? :''[Combs her hair]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Smooth. :'''Rex Salazar''': Like you'd have done better. :'''Bobo Haha''': Are you kidding? They want exposed. I'm going to give that reporter a piece of my mind and a few other pieces while I'm at it. I got stories that'll make them run screaming for the hills. :''[Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''Agent Six''': If you'll follow me, I'll be happy to show you one of our nanite research labs up close and personal. EVO control is our primary area of concentration, but Providence is focused on a great many studies. Each employing the best and the brightest our planet has to offer. :'''Rex Salazar''': Thanks, Six. You know, this is my brother's lab. He's only like the smartest guy in the entire world. Yeah, being the best at what we do totally runs in our family. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time. :'''Agent Six''': That experiment is highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, how did you become a Providence agent? :'''Agent Six''': That's also highly sensitive. :'''Rex Salazar''': Amazing story though about how I became a Providence agent. See, there was this big accident. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Good morning. My name is Dr. Rebecca Holiday, And I'm the chief research officer for the Providence Laboratory Facilities - specializing in the study of evology. Providence's number one priority is the security of our planet. And through the studying and understanding the forces that threaten us-- :'''Diane Farrah''': Let's cut to the chase, shall we, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, um, okay. :'''Diane Farrah''': How do you balance the threat of EVOs, the constant danger... with being a woman? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Uh. :''[Dr. Holiday laughs nervously]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, excuse me. :'''Rex Salazar''': Speaking of studying, check this out. You can edit that, right? :'''Diane Farrah''': We're all about the editing. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, maybe you could show these journalists some of your other duties, like what you're supposed to be doing right now, for instance. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, man. That's right. Come on. You're going to love this. :'''Diane Farrah''': EVOs come from far and wide for a chance to be cured by this young man. How often do you do this? :'''Rex Salazar''': At least once a week here at HQ. When I'm in other parts of the county or the world, Providence sets up a mobile cure station. There are a lot of people out there who need my help. I only wish I could get to them all. Wait. Um, let my try again. ''[after Rex can't cure an EVO]'' Shut it off. :'''Diane Farrah''': But this is really good drama, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I asked to be on TV. They didn't. Please give these people their privacy. :'''Bobo Haha''': Come on, buddy. Everybody has an off day. :'''Rex Salazar''': In front of millions of viewers? So much for everyone's favorite Providence man of mystery. :'''Bobo Haha''': Well, they're just lucky they haven't had the camera on me yet. Oh man, talk about Ultimate Exposure. When I get through with them-- :'''Rex Salazar''': I just wish I could look cool on camera somehow. :'''Bobo Haha''': Phbt! Good luck. The only way that's going to happen now is if some experimental EVOs busted out of their cages and went on a rampage so you could round them up and look like a hero. :'''Diane Farrah''': Providence isn't known for being forthcoming with information. I hope this interview will change that. The people want answers and I fully expect them from you. :'''White Knight''': Very well. What do you want to know? :'''Diane Farrah''': For starters, how do you get fresh milk without any nanites in it? :'''White Knight''': If you must know, it's passed through a powerful magnet that removes and neutralizes any nanite activity. :'''Agent Six''': Observe. :''[White Knight smacks lips]'' :'''White Knight''': Anything else? :'''Diane Farrah''': Not at the moment, but I'll be back. :'''White Knight''': I look forward to it. :''[White Knight sips]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, what do you think about White Knight's obsession with staying nanite-free at the expense of human contact? :'''Agent Six''': He's a man of many mysteries. :'''Rex Salazar''': Look out! Coming through! Dangerous escaped EVOs on the loose! Stand back! Let a professional handle this! :'''Diane Farrah''': Follow him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yeah, I'm kind of awesome. :'''Bobo Haha''': Did you get them all? :'''Rex Salazar''': How many did you release? :'''Bobo Haha''': I don't know, three or four. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, which was it? Three or four? :''[Rex Salazar gasps]'' :'''Agent Six''': Well then. Now that Rex's little demonstration is over, how about a visit to the Providence gift shop? On me. :'''Diane Farrah''': How long has Providence had a gift shop? :'''Agent Six''': Since 8:00 A.M. You want to tell me how a class by EVO got out of its electromagnetically-sealed container and just happened to cross paths with our tour? :'''Rex Salazar''': It's not like this kind of thing doesn't happen here all the time. I just wanted it to happen this time, in front of the camera, all right? :'''Agent Six''': Not all right. That last EVO-- You just helped it molt so it could grow. Its body is still out there somewhere, getting bigger. :'''White Knight''': Providence is run like a finely tuned machine. Until you decide to throw a monkey wrench into the works. :'''Bobo Haha''': Hey, pal, let's leave the comedy to me. :'''White Knight''': And how is it exactly that these EVOs got out? :'''Bobo Haha''': Okay, Mea Culpa. I may have accidentally knocked open a cage or two-- Or four. :'''Dr. Holiday''': That fourth cage was electromagnetically sealed. :'''Bobo Haha''': I didn't say it was easy. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The EVO we had contained in there feeds on electricity. It must be kept away from any electrical current. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then it sure is a good thing this whole place isn't full of electricity. Oh, wait. :'''White Knight''': Find it. Subdue it. And most importantly, don't let that camera crew see it. :'''Bobo Haha''': Eh, were wastin' time hunting this thing down when I could be on camera right now, giving those people a piece of my mind. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, I only saw the EVOs empty husk before. What's the real thing look like anyway? Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': That. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Any suggestions? :'''Bobo Haha''': Can you make a soccer net? :''[Rex Salazar and Bobo Haha grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Aha! Got you cornered now. There's no way out. You're overpowered. :'''Bobo Haha''': You were saying? :'''Agent Six''': You wanted to interview me. Now's your chance. Go. :'''Diane Farrah''': Um... okay. Tell me, Six-- May I call you Six?-- What is the real truth behind the nanite event that created the EVOs? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': What is your role, if any, in that event? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified, too. :'''Diane Farrah''': Are you always this talkative? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait. Let me do that again. You didn't get my good side. Which is my good side? :'''Bobo Haha''': Your backside. :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, you promised you were taking us to the heart of the operation. :'''Agent Six''': Right. The heart of the operation. This way. :'''Dr. Holiday''': [Watching from a monitor] It went right. :''[Rex goes to his right. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Camera right! :''[Rex goes to the camera's right]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': How can you miss it now? It's six feet in diameter and weighs five hundred pounds! :'''Rex Salazar''': Less criticizing, more helping! :'''Dr. Holiday''': Try to steer it in the direction of Hallway twelve. We can isolate it in the atrium. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, we've got it contained there now. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No, sorry. I was reading that backwards. Hallway twenty one. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, Hallway twenty one leads to the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, so, no big deal. That's a cold-fission reactor, not electric, right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, all electricity is converted from something-- Wind, solar, hydro-- At the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ohh. :''[Providence Agent screams]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh-hoh. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, listen carefully and do exactly as I say because we're only going to get one shot at this. :'''Diane Farrah''': One shot at what, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': The... future. Providence is the future. The future used to be the space program. Now the future is Providence and the science of EVOs. :'''Rex Salazar''': Doc? Are you still there? We have a situation. :'''Agent Six''': Just a minor downgrade of power during a routine relay check. Nothing to worry about. :'''Rex Salazar''': Guys, I could really use some advice right about now! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''White Knight''': Attention all Providence Personnel, we have a Level-One Priority... :''[Realizes the reporters are present]'' :'''White Knight''': Drill. Repeat-- This is our daily drill in the Central Core-- Now. :'''Agent Six''': Lunch bell. It's taco day. Anyone hungry? :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, while we appreciate the commemorative spoons and the tacos, I can't help but think that you've been hiding something from our viewers. :'''Agent Six''': Not at all, ma'am. Providence is an open book. :''[Rex Salazar screams]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Cut! You're ruining the shot, Rex. Just be patient. I will get to you-- I promise. :''[Rex Salazar groans]'' :'''Agent Six''': Get down. :''[Diane Farrah gasps]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': That was... what you did. :'''Agent Six''': Just doing my job, ma'am. :'''Rex Salazar''': And I'm just doing mine! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': You're not going anywhere now, buddy, except back to your-- Cage? :'''White Knight''': We hope that you and the Ultimate Exposure team are enjoying our EVO containment demonstration, Miss Farrah. All part of readiness training here at Providence. :'''Diane Farrah''': Can I quote you on that? :'''White Knight''': Miss Farah, I'm not gonna stop you from filming, but for your own safety and the safety of your crew, please step back and let my people do what they do best. Alpha Team, I need a containment of the cafeteria, cube formation. Fire! Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm on it. :'''Agent Six''': Stay here. This is the real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': Not on your life. Find an elevator. We're missing it. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Still not a good ti-i-i-i-i-me! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, big boy. No more crawl spaces. No more Hallways. Just you and me in a big, old hangar bay mano y mano. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': ''[after Rex has been repeatedly beaten back by the Evo]'' Looks like you showed him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Are you going to talk, or are you going to help? :'''Bobo Haha''': Talk. Kidding! I'm helping! I'm helping! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar sighs]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Please tell me you're getting all of this. :'''Rex Salazar''': Providence's man of mystery strikes again. Ow! It-- it bit me! :'''Diane Farrah''': Quick, grab some B-roll footage before they get rid of all the evidence. :'''Rex Salazar''': You did see that I did all the heavy lifting and Six just took out the trash, right? :'''Diane Farah''': Don't worry. The camera never lies. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yes! :'''Bobo Haha''': Good! Then get a load of this! :'''Diane Farah''': Do you have something to say? :''[Camera zooms in on Bobo]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Oh... oh. :''[Bobo mutters then passes out]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': I think we have everything we need. :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't know how you guys came off looking, but yours truly rocked hard. Just call me Providence's Man of Mystery from now on. Oh, yeah! Stardom starts in five, four, three, two-- :'''Diane Farrah''': I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. :'''Rex Salazar''': We are so dead. :'''Bobo Haha''': Nice knowing you, kid. :'''Diane Farrah''': To find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. :'''Rex Salazar''': They did it. :'''Bobo Haha''': They did. :'''Dr. Holiday''': This is a news show? What is the world coming to? :'''Diane Farrah''': Look out, ladies. Agent Six is the full package -- brains, brawn, and-- :'''Agent Six''': Highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': Just what is he hiding behind those alluring, dark glasses of his? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the Providence agent you women wanted to get to know. :'''Agent Six''': Up close and personal. :'''Diane Farrah''': That's right, girls. :'''Agent Six''': He's The real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': And he's known throughout Providence as-- :'''Agent Six''': The heart of the operation. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the organization's best-kept secret, the ultimate agent, and-- :'''Agent Six''': The man of many mysteries. :'''Diane Farrah''': And, yes, ladies, he is single -- or is he? :''[Dr. Holiday laughs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Excuse me. :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex and Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''White Knight''': Well, that's a relief. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[after the story airs]'' So, man of mystery, what's it like being a big star adored by women everywhere? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. ===Touch and Go=== ===The Siren's Lament=== * Flashbacks as to how Circe came to work for Van Kleiss. <hr width80%> ===Grounded=== ===Six Minus Six=== ===In Dreams=== ===Lions and Lambs=== <hr width80%> :''[Providence agents are standing in an industrial area, fingers on triggers. Rex flies in on jet pack and lands beside all the agents.]'' :'''Rex:''' Any sign? ''[Rex notices agents shaking in fear.]'' Alright then, who’s up for a burger, anyone? Tough crowd. :''[Six walks up.]'' :'''Six:''' These agents seem nervous. Haven’t they dealt with this situation before? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, that's kind of the problem. :''[Rex twitches, as if he is feeling Breach's presence.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Here she comes. :''[Breach appears in front of them. They fire at her. She sends their missiles and agents away with red portals.]'' :'''Six:''' How do we stop her? :'''Rex:''' ''[Smack Hands.]'' Hit hard and keep clear of anything that glows. :''[Breach has a collar around her neck like the one Van Kleiss wears, and a device on her chest like his only much larger and shackles are around her giant hands which look like Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical wrist. She opens a red portal. A giant jellyfish-like thing flies out at Six, then a large creature with a horn on its nose runs out. Rex jumps at Breach, she portals out, returns and the device on her chest starts sparking.]'' :'''Rex:''' What's with the new toy, Breach? :'''Breach:''' ''[Glares]'' Wouldn’t you like to know? :''[T-Rex appears through a gold colored portal, sniffs Rex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Seriously, where do you find these things? Let's see what you started out as, big guy. ''[Tries to cure.] Six? This... this isn't an EVO!'' It's an actual T-Rex! ...Six? :''[Rex runs from T-Rex.]'' :'''Breach:''' Have fun. ''[Leaves through red portal.]'' :''[Rex hides behind light pole, T-Rex pulls pole from ground, Rex falls to the ground.]'' :'''Six:''' I take it this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time? :'''Rex:''' Try never? This is all kinds of wrong. :''[Rex makes BFS, runs at T-Rex; Six runs at T-Rex, jumps on and stabs it in back.]'' :'''Holiday:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Six:''' You mean about to be extinct? :'''Holiday:''' If you destroy the scientific find of a lifetime, it won’t be the only thing. :'''Rex:''' It's trying to eat us. :'''Six:''' You heard the lady. Take it down soft. :'''Rex:''' Easy for you to say. :''[Rex lies on the ground holding the jaws open with Smack Hands and it slobbers on him.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Video of T-Rex in confinement field. The T-Rex turns to dust.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Breach is powerful enough as it is, and now you're telling me she can travel through time? :'''Holiday:''' However she's doing it, I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. That dinosaur reverted to its actual age about less than two hours after arrival. :'''Caesar:''' Photo and deep scan analysis reveals some very interesting technology at work here. Van Kleiss has really stepped up his game. :'''White Knight:''' Skip the fan talk. How do we stop it? :'''Caesar:''' Until I get my hands on the device, I'm not certain we can. :'''White Knight:''' We have to bring her to our side. :'''Rex:''' The only way she's coming here is if she does it willingly. :'''White Knight:''' How do you propose we persuade her? :'''Rex:''' With me. ''[Six and Holiday stare at him skeptically.]'' I can be very convincing. Okay, okay. I think she might still have a thing for me. :'''Bobo:''' Atta boy, work it on the crazy chick. :'''White Knight:''' I don't care how we do it as long as we get results. Providence is under the microscope. It is the worst time for Van Kleiss to gain the upper hand. Get to it. Bring her in. :''[Six and Holiday walking out of the room together down the hall.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[To Holiday.]'' I need a word. Something's wrong with White. :'''Holiday:''' Oh. That. He’s always like this, Six. :'''Six:''' No. This is different. I know when something is bothering him. The secret meetings, the anxiety. He’s up to something. :'''Holiday:''' I'll see what I can find out. :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Rex on hoverboard, in Providence stealth suit.]'' :'''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Works pretty good. After all, I built it. ''[Loses control of board for a moment.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Van Kleiss's castle, Rex hiding by entrance.]'' :'''Rex:''' Going in. ''[Pulls up stealth mask, disappears partly, runs past guard.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Breach is hooked up to a large machine. Van Kleiss stands before her with a huge bank of controls and displays, spooky dark lighting. She screams.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' This is unacceptable, Breach. I need you to concentrate. :'''Breach:''' It hurts. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Think of what I'm trying to achieve here. I cannot fail. :''[Breach screams in agony and collapses.]'' :''[Rex looks down horrified, Van Kleiss grins, Breach screams and falls down.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'll return when it recharges and we'll start again. :''[Rex holds his hand out to her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why do you let him do this to you? :'''Breach:''' Glory. :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss's glory. Is he even noticing how you're tearing yourself apart for him? Have you ever heard him say thank you? What do you say we blow this joint, you and me? He's hurting you. :'''Breach:''' It's not real. It can't hurt you if it isn't real. :'''Rex:''' Breach, look at me. It is. I'm real, all of this is real. You don't have to live this way. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why am I not surprised. Rex has come to rescue another of my lost sheep. Perhaps he'll try to save you next, Biowulf. :'''Rex:''' That depends. Is he housebroken yet? :'''Biowulf:''' I am no traitor. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You’ve no doubt seen our little experiment. Breach shows great promise. She just needs a little fine tuning. :'''Rex:''' Then what? Go back in time and be king of the cavemen? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why not? It wouldn’t be much of a step down, now would it? Breach, if you would, remove our guest so we can continue. Practice makes perfect, or in your case, acceptable. :''[Breach makes a red portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach! Think about what you're doing. :''[Van Kleiss grins, she runs and puts her arms around Rex, portals out with Rex.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find her. Now. :''[Mountains, snow, Rex shivering.]'' :'''Rex:''' I'm glad you got us out of there, but where... are we? :'''Breach:''' When the snow is gone you can see forever. :'''Rex:''' That's nice. Can we go now? :'''Breach:''' I need to know if I can trust you. :'''Rex:''' You can trust me. I swear. :''[Breach grabs his hand and hugs him. He opens his eyes. They are standing on a shiny endless reflective surface, reflecting stars.]'' :'''Rex:''' This is different. :'''Breach:''' Do you see it? :'''Rex:''' Um-- :'''Breach:''' This is where the stillness comes from. :'''Rex:''' You. Are weird. So what exactly does this mean? Are you coming with me or is this some kind of test? :'''Breach:''' I need you to see it. :'''Rex:''' Ah... A test. :'''Breach:''' Do you wanna understand? :'''Rex:''' Not exactly sure. ''[She glares, he waves his hands in front of him.]'' Yes, I mean yes. I mean-- :'''Breach:''' Follow me. ''[Walks through red portal.]'' :''[Another place. A door, a doll, a bear and a fire hydrant float in space.]'' :''[Rex hanging upside down, she is holding him by his ankle above a swirling pink vortex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ahh! What happened? I thought we were getting along fine! :'''Breach:''' Why are you here? :'''Rex:''' Good question. Where exactly is here? Can we go somewhere else now, somewhere like, on Earth? :''[She drops him. He screams and lands on the floor between some stacks of books.]'' :'''Rex:''' You sure know how to pick'em. What kind of tripped out dimension is this? ''[Librarian walks by and shushes him.]'' Oh. College. :'''White Knight:''' ''[On communicator in Rex's right ear.]'' Rex, report. Where on earth have you been? :'''Rex:''' Apparently every place but. :'''White Knight:''' I need to know you can handle this otherwise we're going to try a different approach. :'''Rex:''' You need to chill out, White. I’m making progress. ''[Rex puts his hand to his left ear.]'' Dr. Holiday, are you there? :'''Holiday:''' Tracking shows you’re with Breach. Are you okay? :'''Rex:''' Fine? Creeped out but fine. I can't bring Breach back to Providence, White would just lock her up and that won't help. :'''Holiday:''' Where will you take her? :'''Rex:''' I'll think of something. Just keep White Knight off my case. :''[Breach appears behind him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why don't you let me pick out where we go next? :''[Scene change.]'' :''[White Knight hands folded moving nervously.]'' :'''White Knight:''' He says he's making progress. :'''Black Knight:''' The committee is losing confidence. They want results, not excuses. :'''White Knight:''' Then that's exactly what they’ll get. :''[Scene change. Rex sits across from Breach in a booth at a bowling alley.]'' :'''Rex:''' Soooo, don't like bowling, huh? I figured with the extra arms you'd be a natural. :'''Breach:''' I'm not supposed to like you, but I do. :'''Rex:''' ''[smiles]'' We're teenagers. At least assuming you are. Doing what we are not supposed to is part of the job. French fry? :''[She takes it and then drops it.]'' :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? From before you... changed? :'''Breach:''' I remember everything. And nothing. :'''Rex:''' Naturally. Why did I even bother to ask. Listen, Breach. I'm not going to pretend I understand you, ''[Puts his hand on her giant hand]'' but I can help. If you let me. :''[The machine starts to glow, they jump to their feet, other people look startled.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nothing to worry about. Everything's fine. :'''Breach:''' I can't, I can't stop it. :'''Rex:''' Let me try. ''[He tries and it knocks him onto the floor sparking.]'' :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss has control. They're coming. :''[Van Kleiss busts through the door with The Pack following. Raises bio-mechanical hand, palm of it glows, device on Breach's chest turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Okay, do your thing. Get us out of here. Anywhere. :''[she tries]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You can't take what doesn't belong to you. :'''Rex:''' I didn't take you for the jealous type. ''[Rex shoots bowling balls at Van Kleiss with his cannon, hits Biowulf and Skalamander in the face and Van Kleiss punches the balls aside with his bio-mechanical hand.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach, let's go! :''[Breach rides off with Rex on hoverboard, Van Kleiss and Pack follow on three flying fish EVO's with harnesses and big teeth. They dodge and crash Van Kleiss into a window, and land in a park.]'' :''[Breach and Rex stand together on a footbridge looking down into the water.]'' :'''Breach:''' ''[Walks to bridge and looks at her reflection, Rex follows.]'' Will they hurt me? :'''Rex:''' Providence? Not if I can help it. :'''Breach:''' They did before. Ms. Smarty Pants—she likes to hurt me. :'''Rex:''' I'll give you my word, if you come back to Providence, I promise no one will hurt you. :'''Breach:''' We can be together forever and ever. ''[She walks off bridge, ducks swimming in water.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... something like that. What am I getting myself into? We gotta move. I bet my brother has already figured out how to turn that thing of yours off. :''[The ducks fly off, they look and see a reflection in the pond of White Knight's ship.]'' :''[White Knight walks up followed by Providence fighter planes.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh guys, what are you doing?! :'''White Knight:''' If you can't have something done right, do it yourself. :''[They shoot at Breach, she screams, Rex is horrified.]'' :'''Rex:''' No! No! No! ''[walks up bridge to White Knight]'' Do have any idea what you just did? :''[Breach's chest device turns on, she screams, Providence shoots at her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Is this what you wanted? Congratulations! ''[runs to Breach]'' Breach! Wait! :'''Breach:''' Liar! ''[Throws red portal at Rex, he dodges, second one hits him, he disappears. Providence keeps shooting, she throw portals, drops three soldiers in water.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Agent Six! :''[He jumps at her, she portals him away to behind Knight. Rex jumps from the water onto the bridge by Knight.]'' :'''Rex:''' You had no intention to bring her in, did you? :'''White Knight:''' I wanted to believe you, Rex, but this is too important. She can't be controlled. :'''Rex:''' Control... Her powers are back on. Van Kleiss. :''[Van Kleiss arrives on flying fish EVO.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Settle down, Breach. :''[Chest device turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Let me do this. I can get through to her. Come on. It couldn't get any worse than you've already made it :''[Knight and Six look at each other.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Form a perimeter around Breach. Van Kleiss isn't to touch her. :''[A rock wall rises from the ground blocking Rex as he runs towards Breach. The Pack jumps down from wall to attack Rex, Six intervenes. Agents surround Breach, she tries and fails to make red portal. Screams. Van Kleiss flies in on fish, knocks down agents with bio-mechanical whip arm, shoots needles from fingers and knocks more down, fish knocks the rest down. White Knight shoots at Van Kleiss.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' If you had any idea what I was trying to do you might even welcome it. :'''White Knight:''' Enlighten me. :''[Van Kleiss touches a tree and it turns into an EVO. EVO tree catches and holds White. Six and Biowulf fight, Rex and Skalamander fight.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Enlighten you? :''[Sticks his claws in White Knight, glowing White Knight screams.]'' All in good time, White Knight, assuming you have some left. :''[Six throws a magnablade through Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical arm and he lets go of White.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[to White Knight]'' Go. I mean it. ''[White Knight flies off.]'' :'''Six:''' The name's Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' We've met. :'''Six:''' Don't remember. ''[They fight.]'' :''[Breach on merry-go-round, turning slowly looking at the sky. :'''Rex:''' You're just using her. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Of course I am. She knows it. Spare me the chivalry, Rex. Providence would do the same. :'''Rex:''' Either way you slice it, she loses! :'''Breach:''' ''[to herself]'' My two favorites. You both lie. Neither is real. :'''Rex:''' ''[goes to her]'' Breach, I'm sorry. I meant what I said. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Words mean nothing. :'''Rex:''' Then let this do the talking. ''[Turns on her machine, puts it into her power.]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You just handed her a loaded gun. :'''Rex:''' And now it's her choice how to use it. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh if only I had the chance to get through to you, Rex, to teach you how the world really works. :''[Breach steps in front of Van Kleiss, raises her arms as if to send Rex away. Makes huge yellow portal above them.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Our very first time traveler. You should be honored. Now Breach, if you wouldn't mind. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :''[Rex closes his eyes. Breach sends Van Kleiss away with yellow portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' That was... unexpected. :''[Rex tries to turn machine off but fails.]'' :'''Rex:''' It won't turn off. I'm sorry. I, I didn't know. :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss made it like this so I wouldn't send him away. :'''Rex:''' That didn't work out so well did it? Six, get everyone out of here now! ''[A big yellow dome forms around the playground where Rex and Breach stand.]'' :'''Rex:''' So, what's going to happen? :''[Rex and Breach are about to be engulfed by Breach's out of control time portal]'' :'''Breach''': ''[she looks up]'' I don't know if any of this was real. But it was nice having a friend for a while. ''[Rex smiles, Breach hugs him as they dispensary in the golden time portal]'' :'''Rex:''' I didn't get blown up. ''[Sees a lizard.]'' Whoa! ''[Jumps away, startled.]'' Oh no, please don't let this be dino time. ''[Touches earpiece in left ear.]'' Rex to Providence, do you copy? :''[Takes earpiece out and looks at it.]'' Oh... Rex to Providence, you better be there. :'''Providence Agent:''' Uh... we copy, Rex. We have a lock on your coordinates and are sending a jump jet. :'''Rex:''' Is Six okay? Breach went supernova. :'''Providence Agent:''' Someone's on the way, just hold tight. Providence out. :''[Scene change, Rex lying on the ground.]'' :'''Rex:''' Took you long enough. :''[Turns over and sees Providence agents, pointing guns at him.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex is onboard. Heading back to HQ. :'''Rex:''' HQ? Ten minutes ago I was in the middle of an epic battle. You need to take me back! :'''Providence Agent:''' Um, that battle is over. :'''Rex:''' What happened? Is Six okay? Guys...what's going on? :''[They arrive at HQ.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Baby brother, you're okay! ''[Runs and hugs him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach just sent me to nowheresville. Nothing to freak out over. :'''Caesar:''' ''[To Providence agent.]'' You didn't tell him? :'''Providence Agent:''' Our orders were just to bring him back. :'''Rex:''' Tell me what? Hey, when did you... have a beard? :'''Caesar:''' There's no easy way to tell you this, hermano. Breach didn't just send you to the middle of nowhere. You've been gone for six months. :'''Rex:''' Six months?! So this is-- :'''Caesar:''' Technically, the future. I should warn you, there've been a few changes. :'''Rex:''' You didn't give away my room, did you? :'''Caesar:''' As a matter of fact, they did. :'''Rex:''' What?! Caesar, tell me what's going on here. :'''Caesar:''' It would be better if I showed you. :'''Rex:''' White Knight taking visitors now? :'''Caesar:''' I'll wait out here. :''[Rex sees Providence agents dressed in black.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nice suits. :''[Goes into the office.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ah... Love what you've done with the place. White? :''[Person in chair turns around, it's a woman, not White Knight.]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Thank you, Rex. ''[She gets up and walks towards him.]'' It was a little bright for my taste. White Knight is no longer associated with this organization. :'''Rex:''' He quit? :'''Black Knight:''' He...attempted a hostile takeover and failed. Can I get you anything? Water? A snack? :'''Rex:''' I don't want a snack! Where's Six? Where's Holiday!? :'''Black Knight:''' This must upsetting to you. Change is never easy but from I understand, you've been in situations like this before. Everything's going to be fine. :'''Rex:''' Who are you?! :'''Black Knight:''' Someone very happy to have you back. Call me Black Knight. ==Season Three (2011-2013)== ===Back in Black=== : '''Rex''': Okay, I get what's going on here. : '''Black Knight''': I'm relieved to hear that, Rex. : '''Rex''': You can come out! I know you're there! : '''Black Knight''': Rex? : '''Rex''': We're friends, now, remember? Breach? : '''Black Knight''': Breach isn't here, Rex. The world's changed. As soon you accept th-- : '''Rex''': No, I'm not ignoring you. It's just that you're not real. : '''Black Knight''': I assure you I'm very real-- As is all of this. : '''Rex''': ''[Chuckling]'' Oh, come on. It's been a fun time in the ol' Breachscape, but, you know, time to go home now. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Seen this before. Usually ends with a black hole. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, you're disoriented. Let me-- : '''Rex''': Sorry, non-lady. No time. Got an exit to find! Shall we aprehend? : '''Black Knight''': It won't be necessary. : '''Caesar''': Rex! Have you lost it? : '''Rex''': Caesar! We're in a pocket dimension! It could collapse at any second! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar''': That's crazy, Rex. This is not a pocket dimension. : '''Rex''': You're right! It's a whole alternate universe! And-- and-- and you're my Brother's evil twin! Out of the way! Six! Six! Doc! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex''': Dr. Holiday! Doc! : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': Wha-- Well, at least some things haven't changed. Whoa! Whoa! Okay, now I-- Bleh-- know I'm in an-- Aah!-- alternate universe. Unh! You can go ahead and -- Blech!-- Eat me now, please. : '''Black Knight''': Release. : '''Rex''': You were... saying something about changes? : '''Black Knight''': There have been a few. : '''Caesar''': You've got temporal lag, Rex. It's kind of like altitude sickness, only in time. Here-- This will balance your electrolytes. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': So this is really-- : '''Black Knight''': Really. Welcome to the future, Rex-- Or, rather, to the present. Without your healing abilities, Providence has embraced a new paradigm. We've moved beyond the outmoded era of "cure, contain, or kill." : '''Rex''': And into the era of "serious leash laws". : '''Caesar''': We used the petting zoo as our test bed. What do you think? : '''Rex''': I think it needs a new name, 'cause, you know, now it really is one. : '''Caesar''': We've developed new techniques for working with EVOs. It's all about understanding them better. : '''Rex''': So, you're some sort of "EVO whisperer"? : '''Caesar''': ''[laughs]'' It's a bit more complicated than that. You sure you're okay? ''[sighs]'' It's good to have you back, brother. : '''Black Knight''': Family ties. They transcend even time itself. : '''Rex''': Caesar's not my only family. : '''Black Knight''': I'll bring you up to speed on the others. When you went M.I.A., White Knight lost his biggest weapon in the war for EVO containment. : '''Rex''': Figures that I have to vanish for him to appreciate me. : '''Black Knight''': White became erratic-- some might say paranoid. Directorate lost faith in his ability to lead. : '''Rex''': Directorate? I never knew white even had a boss. : '''Black Knight''': There are, shall we say, layers. I was named as his replacement. : '''Rex''': Let me guess-- he didn't take it well. : '''Black Knight''': You could say that. : '''Providence Agent''': White Knight! Sir! Stand down! : '''White Knight''': I'd rather go down in flames than see Providence in the hands of the enemy. : '''Providence Agent''': He's got a bomb! Fall back! All units fall ba-- : '''Rex''': Whoa! That was-- : '''Black Knight''': Your room. : '''Rex''': Huh? Aww, man! But... Six... Holiday... where-- : '''Black Knight''': Where do you think? They're out looking for you. Agent Six and Holiday took indefinite leave. They've been off the grid ever since. I've attempted to contact them, but no response. : '''Rex''': Mind if... I give them a ring? Not that I don't trust you. : '''Black Knight''': ''[sarcasm]'' But you don't trust me. Natural, given the circumstances. Be my guest. ''[after Rex gets disconnected]'' It won't take long, to locate them. Meanwhile, there are many familiar faces who will be glad to hear you're back. Which reminds me... ''[tosses Rex a sack]'' This is everything we salvaged from your room. : '''Rex''': ''[opening the sack to find his ball]'' Huh. Talk about starting over. : '''Black Knight''': You could you know. There's still a place for you in the-- : '''Rex''': My room. I thought you said it was trashed. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, wait. : '''Rex''': What's the matter, Black? This where you're hiding all your evil secrets? : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex''': Um... Wow! : '''Black Knight''': This entire wing was destroyed in the blast. I had the space... repurposed. : '''Rex''': White wouldn't even splurge for private stalls. : '''Black Knight''': As you see, I treat my finest people to the very finest things. : '''Rex''': Sure. I'll take one of those, please. : '''Black Knight''': It's yours-- and anything else you'd like. : '''Rex''': As long as I do whatever you want-- That it? : '''Black Knight''': On the contrary-- you're a seasoned agent. I have a few boundaries, but otherwise, handle matters as you see fit. : '''Rex''': Say I refuse. : '''Black Knight''': Then I turn you over to mel. ''[chuckling]'' I'm kidding. You're free to leave whenever you like. But I hope you'll stay. Now, more than ever, Providence needs a Rex. So, how do you feel? Like I haven't used one of those in Six months-- Which I haven't. You mind? Bobo? : '''Bobo''': Rex! Heard you were back. So great to see you, buddy. Whoa. Just a sec, there, pal. Gotta love those certain towelettes. : ''[Bobo whistling]'' : '''Bobo''': What? Never seen a monkey wash his hands before? : '''Rex''': Not this one. : ''[Bobo munching]'' : '''Rex''': You wanna tell me what's gotten into you or what? : '''Bobo''': What are you talking abou-- Unh! Hey! : '''Rex''': Sorry. For a minute, I thought you were... : '''Bobo''': Robo Bobo? Wanna check for a tv in my butt? : '''Rex''': Pass. But come on. You've, I don't know, mellowed or something. : '''Bobo''': Guess I just don't have a big need to act out these days, what with you and everyone gone. Plus, the employee benefits are pretty sweet. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, we've got a little EVO problem. Providence could use your help. Ready to get back in the game? : '''Rex''': If it involves getting out of here, that would be a "yes." You coming? : '''Bobo''': I'll join ya on the next one. I got Tai Chi at 2:00. : '''Rex''': Missing an EVO smackdown? That doesn't sound like you. : '''Bobo''': Did I mention the instructor has a thing for back hair? : '''Rex:''' Ew. Okay. That sounds like you. What is it and where do I find it? : '''Providence Agent''': We've got an EVO in the subway tunnels, people trapped in one of the trains. The power's out down there, too. : '''Rex:''' Sounds like a street worm. Sure it's just one? Rex to H.Q. Okay, new chief, how do you want to do this? : '''Black Knight:''' You're the expert. : '''Rex:''' I am? Uh, I mean, of course I am. It's just that Six usually-- : '''Black Knight:''' You don't need help, Rex. Handle it as you see fit. Black, out. : '''Rex:''' What's this strange feeling that's come upon me? Could it be... : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex''': Responsibility?! Okay. Assemble your guys over there. Be ready for me. Should the guys grab flashlight. Or... better. Not a bad pre-show. Now for the main event. : '''Providence Agent:''' How did you know? : '''Rex:''' These things usually travel in pairs. I used lights from my builds to make it think I was another worm. Have your bug net handy. They're so cute after I shut them down. : '''Rex:''' Sorry B.K. No can cure. : '''Black Knight:''' Understood. Our team will take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Um, take what where? : '''Providence Agent:''' Move into the vehicle! Move... into... the vehicle! Hit her again! : '''Rex:''' Um, what just happend? : '''Black Knight:''' That's all for now, Rex. Nicely done. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Wait. What are you gonna do with it? : '''Providence Agent:''' Standard rehab and re-lo. It's all very humane. : '''Rex:''' I'd love to see that. Mind if I tag along? : '''Black Knight:''' Sorry, Rex. Authorized personnel only. You've done your job. Now let the team theirs. : '''Rex:''' But-- : '''Black Knight:''' Boundaries, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Boundaries. Got it. Rex, out. : '''Caesar:''' Main container reached. Attach stabilizer ring. : '''Rex:''' Humane? Yeah, right. : ''[Bobo yawns]'' : '''Bobo:''' See? Great employee benefits. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Right. Hey, you got a tag sticking out in the back. Mind if I-- : '''Bobo:''' Thanks, pal. Well, off to yoga. : '''Caesar:''' You really shouldn't be here, hermano. : '''Rex:''' The petting zoo? The worm? My monkey practicing good hygiene? You're using that thing to control my friend! : '''Caesar:''' He's still the same Bobo you know and love. He just need a few boundaries. : '''Rex:''' He's not the same, and neither are you! You should hear yourself! : '''Caesar:''' Making the world safer isn't possible without some form of control. And you'd better get some control of yourself, mijo. : '''Rex:''' Or what? You'll use that thing on me? : '''Caesar:''' Open your eyes to all the good we're accomplishing. Isn't this better than smacking them with your giant fists? : '''Rex:''' That's combat! I protect people and property! Okay, property, not so much, but this? If you can't see the difference, then maybe I never knew you at all! : '''Caesar:''' It doesn't matter. I have work to do. : '''Rex:''' So do I! : ''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Uses his Smack Hands to smash everything around him]'' : '''Caesar:''' Rex! Stop! : '''Black Knight:''' Snooping around, Rex? See, that's another one of my boundaries. : '''Rex:''' White Knight may have had his issues, but he never resorted to anything like this! : '''Black Knight:''' I never planned to do this, Rex, but you've become a danger. : '''Rex''' ''[shocked]'': Caesar! Think! You can't do this! : '''Caesar:''' Of course I'm thinking. This is the logical conclusion to what we started. : '''Rex:''' The logical-- Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Raaah! Aah! : ''[Caesar blasts the mind-control laser, causing Rex to scream and groan in pain]'' : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. You'll thank me later. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You... better... believe I will! : '''Caesar:''' Please don't resist! It's only painful if you struggle! : '''Black Knight:''' What's taking so long? : '''Caesar:''' He's fighting it! His nantic energy is spiking off the scale! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Boost power. : '''Caesar:''' It's not safe to-- : '''Black Knight:''' It's for the best. : ''[Caesar increases power, causing Rex's nanites to go haywire as a tear fall down his cheek, heartbroken about his own brother betraying him]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Manages to overpower the mind-control machine, much to the surprise and wonder of Caesar and Black Knight]'' : '''Rex:''' You just drew a line in the sand, bro! ''[runs off]'' : '''Black Knight:''' You'd better have a backup. : '''Caesar:''' The prototype. Not portable, but more than enough power, even for him. : '''Black Knight:''' Get it ready. : '''Rex:''' Unh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' No mood to get slimed right now, mel! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' What happened to your EVO control? : '''Black Knight:''' ''[after Black Knight reactivates Mel's control]'' A demonstration. You know what would happen without our influence. : '''Rex:''' So, you're hijacking its brain, like you tried to do with mine. : '''Black Knight:''' That won't be necessary if you'll willingly cooperate. : '''Rex:''' Translation-- if I do everything you say. : '''Black Knight:''' You've seen how we can work together. Providence still needs you. There will always be a few EVOs we can't control. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I'm one of them. : '''Black Pawns:''' Shall we pursue? : '''Black Knight:''' Most definitely. : '''Rex:''' Gangway! Coming through! Huh? No! Huh. Black Pawns. Overdoing the whole theme, don't you think? : ''[Rex groaning]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Yah! I'm getting beat up by the chess club! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' We... got off on the wrong foot. Stow the hardware and come with us. You have my word you won't be harmed. We can start over-- the right way. : '''Bobo:''' You mind? You're interrupting the enjoyment of my employee benefits. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : ''[Rex panting]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Black Knight:''' ''[after Rex was tranquilized]'' Excellent work. Take him to the lab. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? No way! You're not turning my brain to mashed potatoes! Doc?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Welcome back, Rex. : '''Six:''' Good to see you, kid. : '''Rex:''' Before I blame this on a Burrito-induced nightmare, will someone please tell me-- What... Is... Going... On?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What do you think? We've been looking for you. : '''Six:''' We knew Providence might find you first. Fortunately, we planted a mole. : '''Bobo:''' Ehh. Rex! Put 'er there! : '''Rex:''' Uhh! You didn't wash! Oh! You didn't wash! But that means... that he really was... Robo Bobo? : '''Bobo:''' In the flesh. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Literally. I gave it a biological upgrade, complete with his own nanites and... fleas, ticks, lice, chigger mites. : '''Bobo:''' What can I say? I'm an ecosystem. : '''Six:''' It's enough to fool your brother's equipment. The robot is only providing limited intel. But one thing is sure-- new Providence is about more than just getting EVOs off the streets. : '''Rex:''' I saw it. Whatever they're doing over there is seriously messed up. : '''Six:''' That's why we've set up our own operation. : '''Rex:''' ''[Long pause as Rex sees the new HQ]'' Whoa! Where did you get all of this? : '''Six:''' We have our sources. : '''Rex:''' So, we're like super-secret spies now? Cool! :''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's too bad about White, though. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm gonna miss that pasty guy. : '''White Knight:''' ''[White enters]'' How touching, Rex. I, on the other hand, have rather enjoyed the last six Rex-free months. Now... If we're done with the love-in, we have work to do. : '''Rex:''' It really can't get any better than this. Oh, except one thing-- Can I get a TV? ===Crash and Burn=== *From this episode, Rex can create two builds at once :''[Bobo yawns]'' :'''Bobo:''' They say nothin' good happens after midnight. And, you know, they're right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm worried about you, Bobo. Since we left Providence, you've been staying out every night. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo gulps]'' :'''Bobo:''' That's not the least of your worries. Seen our boy lately? :''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex is fine. He just needs time to adjust to our new setting. Rex? It's Holiday. Are you there? :'''Rex:''' Hey, doc. What up? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Just checking in. Everything okay? :'''Rex:''' Better than okay. I'm about to set a new land-speed record' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That wasn't what I meant. How are you feeling? :'''Rex:''' Appreciate the concern, but the only thing on my mind right now is the need for speed. Apparently, I'm not alone. I'll call you back. Hey! Slow down! I want to talk to you! Ah. You want to play chicken. Doc? Bobo? I'm getting blitzed by some bikers. Aah! :'''Rand:''' Might as well give up! I won't quit! I'm a relentless, never-say-die, nonstop-- Uh, hey, wait a minute. Who are you? :'''Rex:''' Think you could have asked me that before trying to run me down? :'''Rand:''' Ooh! My fault. I thought you were one of us. :'''Rex:''' "One of us"? What is this? :'''Rand:''' Sorry, dude. No time to chat. Peace. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, like I'm gonna take that for an answer. A street race? Or a demolition derby? :''[Lance grunts]'' :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Lance:''' Gonna need a bike. :'''Rex:''' Can't believe you survive that! You must be the luckiest guy on the-- These are nanites. :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Oh, come on! :'''Six:''' Something wrong? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Prototypes. I prefer tried-and-tested. And I don't even know what we're going to do with half of this stuff. :'''Bobo:''' You're goin' soft, gettin' worked over by a bunch of goofballs on motorcycles. :'''Rex:''' They had weapons. :'''Bobo:''' Last time I checked, so did you. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, but not while I'm on my bike. I'm strictly one at a time. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites that have infected his body are slowly poisoning him. I've never seen anything like it. :'''Rex:''' Do what you can, Doc? I'm gonna go out and look for those racers. :'''Bobo:''' Sounds dangerous. :'''Rex:''' Sure, Bobo. You can come, too. The nanites we found on the biker gave off a different energy signature. Gonna use one of Holiday's new toys to try to scan for it. A bunch of them. And they're moving fast. :'''Bobo:''' Then step on it! Maybe Holiday has a point about prototypes! :'''Rex:''' Or maybe they're not on the streets. I'll watch the road. You watch the screen. :'''Bobo:''' Gotta warn you-- Chimps make bad navigators! :'''Rex:''' Just do it! :'''Bobo:''' Hmm? Left! You're goin' left! Make a right! Another right! :'''Rex:''' Which way? :'''Bobo:''' I don't know! That way-ish! Wah! Like I said-- Monkeys make great navigators! This is your biker gang? :'''Rex:''' They had weapons before I'm telling you-- They're tough! :'''Bobo:''' If you say so. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' Wall. :''[Bobo and Rex grunts]'' :'''Moss:''' That's some fancy ridin'. You following us, kid? :'''Rex:''' Still think they don't look tough? :'''Bobo:''' I take it back. :'''Moss:''' Who are you, kid? 'Cause whoever you are, you're not bad. :'''Rand:''' You're awesome! Where'd you learn to ride like that? Anybody with that kind of skill should be with us. Yeah! :'''Moss:''' What's your secret? :'''Rex:''' No secret. I'm just built that way. :'''Lunk:''' Is that guy from TV-- The one who fights EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Five bucks for pictures, ten bucks for autographs. :'''Rand:''' A talking monkey! Outrageous! I gotta have one. Is he for sale? :'''Bobo:''' Brother, you can't afford me. :'''Rex:''' You guys seem tight-- For guys who try to kill each other. :'''Rand:''' We're not killers. We're racers. This is a legitimate sport. :'''Moss:''' It is what it is. Our races aren't for the weak. Name's Moss. You've met Rand. :'''Rex:''' He tried to blow me up. :'''Rand:''' I missed. You're welcome. Come on, don't leave me hangin'. :'''Moss:''' Never met a celebrity who could ride. :'''Rex:''' I caught you, didn't I? :'''Moss:''' But are you tough enough try me? :'''Rex:''' Try me. :'''Bobo:''' You gotta fight back? :'''Rex:''' With what? :'''Bobo:''' Oh, brother. Fine, leave it to Chimpy. Aah! I'll take that. Phbt! :'''Rex:''' Something else on the map-- Moving fast! And it's big! :'''Providence Agent:''' Halt! You kids! Pull over! Now! :'''Moss:''' Cops! :'''Bobo:''' Worst than cops-- Providence. :'''Rex:''' The bikes give off a nanite signature. They must have tracked it. :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex, what are you doing here? :'''Rex:''' Research. You don't want to get caught up in this! Back off now! Sorry, guys. Have Black Knight sent me the bill. :'''Rand:''' Ha! No way! You want to beat me, you gotta step your game up. Aah! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Rand! :'''Bobo:''' Don't stop! Kid's wearing armor. He's fine. :'''Rex:''' No! Something's wrong! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' What is this thing? Doc? Get over here quick. We've got another one. :'''Biker gangs:''' WHOO-HOO-HOO! :''[Biker gangs laughs]'' :'''Biker gangs:''' Yeah! :'''Moss:''' We thought you'd bailed on us. Where were you? :'''Rex:''' Watching a doctor try to save Rand's life. :'''Moss:''' Racers get sick sometimes. It's part of the life. :'''Rex:''' Those nanite power sources-- you got to stop using them. To feel one with the road, that rush? So some people get sick. When we're on our rides, nothing else matters. :'''Rex:''' Your rides are killing you! You're gonna be dead-- All of you! And for what? So you can go a little faster? :'''Moss:''' We need those things to ride. You know what it's like. :'''Lunk:''' Please. Don't take our bikes away. :'''Rex:''' Nobody's going to take your bikes. But I need to know where you got those nanites. :'''Lunk:''' ''[sighs]'' A guy named Valve. He supplies the superchargers. :'''Moss:''' You're wasting your time. Valve never talks to anybody. :'''Rex:''' He'll talk to me. :'''Bobo:''' Been in a lot of bad biker dives, but this is the worst I've ever seen. :'''Valve:''' Enter, strangers. The biker will see you now. Please, sit. May I offer you some tea? :'''Rex:''' I'll pass. :'''Valve:''' Suit yourself. I find a good cup of tea soothing-- for the body and the soul. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Valve:''' You don't have to tell the biker why you're here. The biker can tell. You wish to buy a supercharger. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Rex:''' Your superchargers are killing people. It's gonna stop. :''[Valve breathes deeply]'' :'''Valve:''' Hmm. That sounds like a challenge. :'''Rex:''' Maybe it is. I'll race you for them. If I win, you hand over your entire stockpile. :'''Valve:''' Shh! Your answer is on the wind. :'''Rex:''' You're... not right in the head, are you? :'''Valve:''' When the wind commands, the impossible game must be gamed. The challenge is accepted. We will race for the superchargers. And when the biker wins... It won't matter. :'''Rex:''' Why is that? :'''Valve:''' Because you'll be dead. Let the race begin. :'''Moss:''' This is his own private track. He knows it better than anyone. You can still back out-- Probably. :'''Rex:''' And let people become poison, like Valve? No. I can take him. Just give me something to hit him with. You guys are walking arsenals. You don't have anything? :'''Moss:''' You didn't think we'd need 'em today. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, boy. :'''Six:''' Message from Holiday. The two sick teens have stabilized, but she's still a ways from finding a cure. :'''Rex:''' It was the only weapon I could find, okay? Can I borrow the sword? :'''Six:''' Use your own. :'''Rex:''' On wheels? It's not gonna happen. :'''Six:''' What's stopping you? :'''Rex:''' Well, for one thing, I-- Um, not sure exactly. :'''Six:''' What have I been teaching you? Focus on what you want and make it happen. No more excuses. :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :'''Valve:''' You're lucky. One the very best get a chance at this track. :'''Rex:''' Then I should fit right in. Rules of the game-- ten laps. Cross the finish line before the biker, and you may have them. :'''Rex:''' So, is the wind talking to you now? :'''Valve:''' The wind commands the Biker to destroy you. The Biker is happy to oblige. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' You gonna help him? :'''Six:''' He's doing fine. :'''Bobo:''' Are you watchin' the same race I am? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' You're in trouble, Rex! No. Keep it together. Keep... it... together. Six said it-- Focus. Focus. Focus! :''[Valve laughs]'' :'''Valve:''' Oblivion. :'''Six:''' Like I sad-- He's doing fine. :'''Rex:''' Double-up! Where have you been all my life? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Cute toy. But I like mine better. :'''Valve:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Was there any doubt? :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, plenty. :''[Valve panting]'' :'''Rex:''' We had the deal. Remember? :'''Valve:''' Like the storm that changes directions on a whim, the biker is changing the deal. 'Cause the biker-- ''[grunts]'' Doesn't like! ''[grunts]'' The biker-- ''[grunts]'' never loses! ''[grunts]'' Unh! :'''Rex:''' First time for everything. Thank you, Six. :'''Six:''' It was all you, kid. :'''Moss:''' Rand! :'''Biker gangs:''' Oh, Rand! Good to see you! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Completely detoxified. In a couple days, they'll be back to full strength. Those could be useful at the new base. :'''Moss:''' You can't stop us from riding. :'''Rex:''' What's stopping you? You can still ride. You just won't be poisoned by nanites. Come on. Race you back to the garage. :''[Rex rides off]'' :'''Moss:''' ''[Chasing after Rex]'' You heard the man. Hit it! :'''Six:''' You do realize we just turned a group of reckless teenage boys loose on the city. :'''Bobo:''' All in a day's work. ===Heroes United, Part 1=== : ''[In New York City, a strange white sphere appears in the sky, imposing several sporadic shocks that hit a bridge and a building and several people begin to run desperately. At The Plant, a light turns on and Rex is running and stops, with the light focusing on him, a figure passes behind Rex who smiles and builds his Funchucks and attacks the figure behind him who jumps dodging his attack and landing behind Rex, the light turns on and reveals itself to be Agent Six.]'' : '''Six:''' You need to pay attention. : ''[Six pulls out his Magna Blades]'' : '''Rex:''' I'll tell you what I need. : ''[Rex attacks Six who blocks his attacks]'' : '''Six:''' More training? Your swing is getting a little sloppy. : '''Rex:''' Not what I was thinking, but thanks for the tip. : ''[Rex tries to attack Six who jumps, dodging the blow. Six tries to attack Rex who builds his Punk busters and jumps back]'' : '''Rex:''' Two words for you, Six- - Theme song! : '''Six:''' Theme song? : ''[Jump on top of the cabin where Holiday is]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Break my stuff, and I will ruin you. : '''Rex:''' Things have been pretty Good for me lately, I have a home, friends, family. The only thing I need now is my own theme song. : '''Bobo:''' I got your Theme Song. Phbt! Phbt! ''[Bobo makes farting noises.]'' : '''Rex:''' I'm serious. Every hero should have a theme song. I've been working on one. Thought you probably wouldn't hear over the ringing in your ears. It started when the nanites went “Ka-Pow!” upon the scene Transforming all the life on earth like nothing that you’ve seen. But there’s one lucky Hombre who can make them build machines, He's Gen Rex! Ohh! : '''Six:''' ''[Six kicks Rex backwards]'' Its... Catchy. It's good to see you happy, Rex. Just remember this world, right now, all of those things can be taken away in an instant. : '''Rex:''' If that's your attempt to inspire me, Six, you need a little more practice yourself. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' How quickly can we get to Manhattan? : ''[Young Woman gasps]'' : '''Young Woman:''' Providence! It'll be okay now, sweetie. : '''Black Knight:''' Doctor Salazar, What am I looking at? : '''Caesar:''' You want the truth? For the first time since I was six years old, I haven't a clue what I'm looking at. : '''Rex:''' What is going on here? : '''Bobo:''' Don't know, but I wish I'd brought my tanning butter. : '''Six:''' Cut the chatter. : '''Rex:''' I would, but ripping on Black Knight is the only thing keeping me from freaking out. This isn't our usual deal. Just make sure Providence doesn't shoot me in my butt while I'm off saving theirs. Huh? So... I smash that? Ohh! : '''Bobo:''' Coming back around, kid. I think it likes you. : '''Rex:''' Holiday, what is it, and where do I hit it? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I don't know. I-- Wait. I'm picking up Bio-organic energy inside the event. : ''[A mysterious figure came out of the event, Rex immediately responded and then releases his Smack Hands, but the mysterious figure caught Rex's attack and then counter attacked. Thus, sending Rex flying.]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Have anything to say for yourself before I commence with the face-stomping? : '''Humungousaur:''' Yeah. You just made a humungous mistake! : ''[Humungousaur grunts]'' : ''[Humumgousaur grunts]'' : '''Humungousaur:''' Stay down if you know what's good for you. : '''Rex:''' I'll show you what I'm good at, feo! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, I'm getting more fluctuations in the event. Something's coming out. : '''Rex:''' I see it, doc. : ''[A creature flies out of the portal]'' : '''Humungousaur:''' ''[after being hit]'' You and your partners call it quits right now, and I'll keep the powder rising to a minimum! : '''Rex:''' I was gonna say the same thing, only in Spanish! ''[hits Humungosaur again]'' ''[Humungosaur goes flying]'' ''[talking to Agent Six]'' : '''Rex:''' You take the hunk of junk, Six! "Big ugly" is mine! : '''Humungousaur:''' Hmm. You wanna learn the hard way? Lesson one-- Dangerous aliens are not welcome on my planet! : '''Black Pawn:''' Black Knight, target locked and weapons are charged. Firing on your mark. : '''Black Knight:''' Keep everything we've got focused on that rift. Nothing else comes out of there. Pawns, get those EVOs alive. I need answers. Caesar-- : '''Caesar:''' The physics are amazing. Like a star in collapse, it-- I'll buzz you back. : '''Black Knight:''' Don't hang up on me, Caesar. Bring Salazar to me-- Now! : '''White Knight:''' Hands full? My team is here to help. You'd be well advised to let them. : '''Black Knight:''' You'd be well advised to get off my screens, White Knight. I'll see you tried for treason. : '''White Knight:''' While you're filing the paperwork, we'll be saving New York. Join us or stay out of our way! : ''[Rex coughs]'' : '''Rex:''' You can punch. I'll give you that. : ''[Humungousaur groans]'' : '''Humungousaur:''' You alien wannabes should know better by now-- Mess with Ben, you get the ten. : '''Rex:''' Aliens?! The ten?! Great-- Another insane EVO. Providence is all over your energy-weapon whatever, so let's see if I can't knock some normal back into you. : '''Humungousaur:''' Good luck with that. Ugh! : '''Rex:''' Okay. That's weird. : ''[Diamondhead grunts]'' : '''Diamondhead:''' What did you just do to me? : '''Rex:''' Not sure, but I like it. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Holiday, are you seeing this? "Creature feature" just went bling on me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Be careful, Rex. This is something we've never seen before. : ''[Diamondhead grunts]'' : '''Diane Farrah:''' Diane Farrah, broadcasting to you live from what appears to be the end of the world. : '''Alpha:''' So many of us. What has happened here? : '''Six:''' Holiday, what am I looking at here? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Preliminary scans say non-organic. It appears to be entirely mechanical. I'll need a closer look. : '''Six:''' I'll see what I can do. : ''[Diamondhead coughs]'' : '''Diamondhead:''' Lucky punch. : '''Rex:''' Don't believe in luck. Now hold still so I can cure you. : '''Diamondhead:''' You're talking crazy, and I'm not sick. We're wasting time. : '''Lodestar:''' Metal, meet magnetism. : '''Rex:''' Magnets, huh? Well, there's no metal in pavement. : '''Lodestar:''' Aah! : '''Six:''' It's gone, but I found this. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm not exactly sure what we're looking at here. I don't even know if this is made with an element I've ever seen before. Getting some kind of a residual nanite signature, but this is definitely not an EVO. Caesar-- We could use a little help here. What is it? : '''Caesar:''' The fragment came from the machine. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you tell us anything about it? : '''Caesar:''' Yes, but not right now. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' For the record, most scientists are not like that. : '''Alpha:''' Him. Father?! : '''Six:''' We're not finished yet. : '''Lodestar:''' Ow! : '''Rex:''' Huh?! : '''Rex and Lodestar:''' Time-out! Innocents! : '''Diane Farrah:''' Thank you. You-- Who are you? : '''Rath:''' Seriously?! I'm the cat who's all that-- The Rath attack! There are about a hundred other things. : '''Rex:''' Time-in! Thanks for the assist, but say adios to your nanites for real, El Gato. : '''Rath:''' Will you stop that? : '''Rex:''' You... you're not an EVO?! : '''Rath:''' Let me tell you something, robot boy! I have no clue where an EVO is. I'm just trying to do my thing. : '''Rex:''' Destroy our city? : '''Rath:''' Destroy?! You really haven't heard off me? : '''Ben:''' I'm Ben Tennyson. Ben 10? Like, the biggest hero in the world? : '''Rex:''' Six! : '''Six:''' Everybody down! : '''Rex:''' Six! Six, hold on! Holiday, Six is down! Six is down! This is all your fault! Holiday? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm doing everything I can, Rex. We have to focus on the bigger picture. Six would want us to. : '''Rex:''' Figures the only time I do what Six would want, he's in a coma. : '''White Knight:''' I'll be having the pleasure of helping Providence figure out how to close the rift. The rest of you can deal with that machine. : '''Rex:''' It got blown to bits along with Six, remember? : '''White Knight:''' Don't be so sure. Someone needs to find out what that is and where it went. : '''Ben:''' I can do that. : '''Bobo:''' You-- Ain't doing nothing but sitting pretty and shutting up. : '''Rex:''' And if Six of them pull through, you won't even be able to do that. : '''Ben:''' I'm sorry about your friend, honestly. Obviously, he's important to you. But I have no clue what's even happening here. I've never heard of Providence or EVOs or-- One minute I'm doing a TV interview. The next, hole in the ky, flash a light and I'm punching out a mecha monster. Then I end up in a world where nobody knows me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He might actually be telling the truth. Ben's nanite absorption level indicates he came through that rift without any. : '''Rex:''' I thought White Knight was the only living thing on Earth that's nanite-free. : '''Ben:''' So you mean I have those things in me now? Great. Where's my space suit? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You'll live. Still doesn't explain how you got here. : '''Ben:''' We're probably looking at a parallel world thing. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Parallel worlds are a theory, and a shaky one at that. : '''Ben:''' Are you serious? I go home all the time. Maybe if you knew where that mech alien was from, it might help prove-- : '''Rex:''' Quit talking! : '''Ben:''' Exactly. Nothing's gonna get answered sitting around here. : '''Rex:''' In case you hadn't noticed, we're holding you under house arrest. : '''Ben:''' You aren't holding me. I was staying to see how I could help. : '''Big Chill:''' You aren't the only person worried about someone close to you. : '''Rex:''' I got this. : '''White Knight:''' Rex, don't! I hate kids. : '''Caesar:''' Nanite Cloud. These are being drawn in from the atmosphere. Now where are you? So it is you. This is most disturbing. : '''Rex:''' Why don't you just go back where you came from? : '''Big Chill:''' I'm trying to, you do? Oh no. : '''Rex:''' What? : '''Ben:''' Mr. Smoothie isn't here. That's messed up. : '''Rex:''' My partner is in a coma. If you're stressing over a frozen drink, you are totally getting punk-fusted. : '''Ben:''' We're in Bellwood, my hometown, where it should be. But it's all different. Part of me hoped it wouldn't be, but this pretty much proves it. : '''Rex:''' This doesn't prove anything! : '''Ben:''' You know the friend you care about? Well, I have a cousin, a grandfather, a best friend that I care about! They don't exist here! I may never see them again! I'm totally alone! So go ahead! Do your worst. : '''Rex:''' Maybe we can... help each other. : '''Ben:''' You'd do that? What's that sound? : '''Rex:''' My brother. : '''Ben:''' Is he like you? : '''Rex:''' Uh, no. Caesar's a little crazy and he's working for the wrong side, but, otherwise, not so bad. : '''Ben:''' What constitutes "not so bad" here on opposite world? : '''Caesar:''' No! We need that! : '''Rex:''' To blow my head off? : '''Caesar:''' To stop that! : '''Rex:''' What is that? : '''Caesar:''' A bad, bad thing. : '''Alpha:''' Why would you speak of me so, father? I am your Alpha. I came home. You are pleased? : '''Caesar:''' No. Not especially. : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Alpha:''' What has happened here? Why so many brothers? : '''Caesar:''' We had an accident. : '''Alpha:''' The bodies I built, father-- they still do not last. But my brothers are free. I can control them. They could help make me complete. Aah! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, stay back! : '''Alpha:''' I am still weak, father. I need more. Will you help me live? : '''Caesar:''' I don't believe so, Alpha. : '''Alpha:''' That... is a very disappointing response. : '''Diamondhead:''' Then you really won't like this one! : ''[Diamondhead grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' Don't let it touch him! : '''Alpha:''' You control nanites, yet you are human. How is this possible? Tell me the secret. : '''Rex:''' Uh, Caesar... What is that thing? Why did it call you "father"? : '''Caesar:''' It's migrating. We have to follow it-- Now! These were gathered from the area of the space-time rift, and you'll find them everywhere Alpha goes. : '''Ben:''' I take it those are nanites? : '''Caesar:''' Dead nanites, drained by the entity you just fought and, incidentally, the thing that dragged you here from your Earth. : '''Rex:''' His Earth? He really is from a parallel world? : '''Ben:''' Science class much? : '''Caesar:''' I believe it's been searching for a way home. It was possibly attracted to your weapon before it found its way here. A powerful device, no doubt. : '''Ben:''' It's called the Ultimatrix. It has the DNA of a million aliens. : '''Rex:''' Ri-i-i-ght. Aliens. And leprechauns gave me these goggles! I'm curious how big brother knows about something from a parallel dimension. : '''Caesar:''' Because I sent it there. In the early days of the Nanite Program, our goal was simple- - Construct micromachines to cure diseases, grow new cells, regenerate bones. But there was a control issue. Some thought a human-machine link was the answer. Others proposed that the machines could control themselves. I was in the latter camp. I developed the Alpha to command other nanites. To maximize its effectiveness, I had to program Alpha to think for itself. : '''Ben:''' Does a long explanation mean something bad on your Earth, too? : '''Rex:''' Yep. : '''Caesar:''' Alpha developed its own consciousness. It evolved into a unique life form and wanted a body, but whatever it built burnt out. So, when Alpha attempted possessing living things, Alpha had to be eliminated. So, I built a dimensional disruptor. : '''Ben:''' That sounds like a Null Void gun. We've got those on my Earth, too. : '''Caesar:''' I designed it to send the Alpha to an empty space where it wouldn't do any more damage. That's what I was attempting to do again-- Until you destroyed it. : '''Ben:''' But the Null Void isn't empty. It's a prison for intergalactic criminals. : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. I see. Then, clearly, it found a host within a mechanical one. Alpha did always have a way with machines. It's been gaining mass and energy from machines and other nanites. It's able to stabilize a host body, there's no limit to the amount of damage it can cause. : '''Rex:''' So, just cook up another bazooka thingy, and let's go zap it! : '''Caesar:''' Too late for that, Rex! Ilo siento, mijo! : '''Rex:''' Tell me that's a new weapon! Caesar! Eww! Do... you... have any idea what it smells like in there, dude? : '''Ben:''' I'm sure you can handle a little arborian musk to save your nuts and bolts... Dude. : '''Rex:''' Sorry. Thanks. I'm just-- Ugh! This day started off perfectly. Now there's aliens, my partner's in a coma, and my brother's trying to kill me. : '''Ben:''' Maybe he was trying to protect us. Alpha was right there, and now it's not. : '''Rex:''' You're one of those glass-half-full guys, aren't you? : '''Ben:''' Here on "Crazy Earth", why not? : '''Rex:''' Holiday is Six--? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He's the same, but the Knights have figured out how to close the Rift. You need to get Mister Ten back to New York if he ever wants to see his home again. : '''Rex:''' Figures. Just when I almost considered liking you. : '''Ben:''' Hold on a second. You think I'm leaving you like this? This might not be my Earth, but it's still Earth-- Sort of. : '''Rex:''' Thanks, but this is my problem, not yours. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we need you back at base. It's here. ===Heroes United, Part 2=== :'''Alpha:''' Come to me, my siblings. :''[Dr. Holiday smooches]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'll be back. :'''Alpha:''' The nanites in those creatures-- They are different, powerful. Your nanites are weak. I have no use for you. Where is the boy? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His nanites are off limits! :''[Dr. Holiday straining]'' :''[Dr. Holiday groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Feel like giving me a hand? :'''Ben:''' How about four? :'''Rex:''' I'm starting to like the way you think, Ben 10. :''[Four Arms grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Alpha:''' You cannot keep me from what I seek. :'''Rex:''' My brother? Look around! He's not here! :'''Alpha:''' The father is redundant now that I found you. :'''Rex:''' Aah! :'''Alpha:''' I cannot merge! What makes you so special, human? Yes! You shelter an Omega. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' Ya-a-a-h! That was my leg! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Your move. :'''Ben:''' This brother wants to blow you up, and she's your friend? You might be safer on my Earth. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex can lose his builds relatively pain-free. :'''Ben:''' Are you seriously gonna just wait around? :'''Rex:''' It wants nanites-- My nanites. Holiday thinks it'll come back for me, but, yeah, I'd rather go after the thing, knock it into another dimension. :'''Ben:''' But your bio-whatevers need a break. I get it. :'''Bobo:''' Ya missed. :'''Ben:''' At least you hit the rim that time. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, thanks. :'''Ben:''' So, what's happened to you, anyways? :'''Rex:''' I was gonna ask you the same thing. :'''Ben:''' It started when the Omnitrix fell out of the sky. I was ten years old. :'''Rex:''' Six years ago, the Nanite Event changed everything. :'''Ben:''' And there's alien DNA in the Omnitrix. :'''Rex:''' And that's how I can build stuff with the micromachines in my body. :'''Ben:''' Now Kevin, Gwen, and I are the plumbers. :'''Rex:''' Plumbers? I thought "Providence" was a dumb name. :''[Rex and Ben laughs]'' :'''Rex:''' Nice assist. :'''Ben:''' That's how we get it done. :'''White Knight:''' Satscan just picked up the Alpha. It's at the bug jar. :'''Rex:''' The bug jar is shielded. :'''White Knight:''' Not anymore. :'''Rex:''' So much for waiting. Let's do this! :''[Ben sniffs]'' :'''Ben:''' Why does my jacket smell like bananas? :'''Rex:''' Ugh! This feels tight. :'''Bobo:''' You guys are our best hope? We're doomed. :'''Ben:''' If this is the bug jar-- :'''Rex:''' Then where are the bugs? :'''Diamondhead:''' Whoa. What do you call that? :'''White Knight:''' I call it the entire nanite population of the bug jar. :'''Alpha:''' The power to change life itself-- What foolishness to give my brothers such a command. :'''Rex:''' Preaching into the choir, buddy. :'''White Knight:''' Don't let it get to Rex! If it drains his nanites-- :'''Diamondhead:''' Game over-- Understood. :'''Rex:''' It already tried to eat me. That didn't work. :'''White Knight:''' That thing was made to control machines, and until it burns through them, it's got every active nanite in the bug jar at its command. You think you can stop that? :'''Rex and Diamondhead:''' We can try! :'''Ben:''' That thing just hacked my watch! :'''Rex:''' You're going to run out of nanites eventually. :'''Alpha:''' Incorrect, Thanks to the one thing left on this Earth that can create them-- Your Omega. They thought it could replace me. Now it will make me whole. :'''Rex:''' Aah! I could use an alien right now! :''[White Knight screams]'' :'''Ben:''' Great idea, but a certain nanite monster busted my watch! :'''Rex:''' Do something-- Anything! Do something better! :'''Ben:''' I could try calling it names! :'''Rex:''' Let... me... go! Aah! :''[Rex breathing heavily]'' :'''Rex:''' As long as I fight it, it's like the Alpha and Omega cancel each other out. :'''Alpha:''' An alternate path is required. :'''Ben:''' Aah! Stop! He did it again! :'''Rex:''' No! It's worse! :'''Alpha:''' Your machine is most interesting. Perhaps within I can find a suitable host. :''[Alpha Heatblast roars]'' :'''Ben:''' Can he do that? :'''Rex:''' I think he just did. :'''Ben and Rex''': Aah! :'''Ben:''' I think you're really fried at this time. Aah! :'''Rex:''' Hey! It's me you want. :'''Alpha Heatblast:''' You presume so much, brother. Organics who rely on machines for their power, I don't need. The machines themselves-- Now, those I will have. :'''Rex:''' Machines not sold separately, Alfalfa. And stop calling me your brother! :''[Alpha Four Arms growls]'' :'''Ben:''' Okay. You've got to admit that looks pretty cool. Should I try those insults now? :''[Alpha Four Arms growls]'' :'''Rex:''' Aah! Ugh! :''[Shocksquatch roars]'' :'''Shocksquatch''': Wow, this is unexpected. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Well, blast it or something! :'''Shocksquatch:''' I have no idea what this alien does. I've never seen it before. :'''Rex:''' You're not filling me with confidence. :''[Shocksquatch grunts]'' :'''Shocksquatch:''' Ohh, yeah! Ye-e-e-s! Yes! Yes! :'''Ben:''' No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, man! :''[Alpha Humungousaur growls]'' :'''Rex:''' Your faceplate's fractured, White. Get out of here before it cracks through. :'''White Knight:''' Not a chance. Six would have your back. I'm here in his place. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, your biometrics are dangerously low. You need to get away. :'''Rex:''' Listen to me, Alpha controls nanites. So do I. Why don't I just shut him down? :'''Ben:''' Hey, Jerk-asaur! You're a loser! Ha! You see that? Hero Time! :'''Rath:''' Oh, yeah! Let's cause some pain! :'''White Knight:''' Wait! Not while they're linked! :'''Rath:''' Oh, you did not just stop me! :'''Alpha:''' The power you hold is impressive. :'''Rex:''' You mean the power to kick your butt? :'''Alpha:''' The power to create machines. You are not worthy of such a gift. The Omega nanite is mine. :'''Rath:''' Aaah! Take this and this! What do you think of what?! :''[Alpha-Omega roars]'' :'''Alpha:''' I misguided to place my trust in a father that did not want me. I never needed him. I simply needed the energy and means to do what I have always done-- Evolve. :'''Ben:''' You okay? :'''Rex:''' No. Definitely not okay. It took my Omega nanite, and I think I know what I wants. :'''Alpha:''' Behold, organics... The beginning and the end of all things. I am Alpha-Omega. This is the twilight of humanity. Alpha-Omega destroys all. :''[Alpha-Omega roars]'' :'''Rex:''' Holiday, are you seeing this? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unfortunately, yes. We're not looking at random destruction. Alpha is synthesizing the matter around him to build his own nanite. :'''Rex:''' Thanks to my Omega nanite! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This isn't your fault, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Sure feels like it. I woke up this morning on top of the world. Now I'm about to witness the end of it. Six was right. :'''Ben:''' I don't think this is how it was meant to play out. I've seen what you can do. :'''Rex:''' My most powerful builds came from the Omega nanite. A lot of people are going to get hurt, and I can't stop it. What happens when the best you can do just... isn't enough? :'''Ben:''' You get an Upgrade. :'''Rex:''' Weren't you listening? Alpha has the Omega. :'''Ben:''' I'm not talking about a nanite. :''[Transforms into Upgrade]'' :'''Rex:''' Hey! What are you-- ''[Upgrade merges with Rex]'' Whoa! Okay. That feels weird. ''[Upgrade covers Rex's body like a suit]'' Whoa! What supposed to happen now? ''[Upgrade's head appears on Rex's left shoulder]'' Aah! Ohh! Don't do that! You're freaking me out! :'''Upgrade:''' Build something! :'''Rex:''' ''[Builds a Smack Arm, which is modified by Upgrade]'' Sa-weet! So, what's the plan? :'''Upgrade:''' You build stuff, I make it better, fight, fight, fight, we win! :'''Rex:''' Works for me! ''[Rex builds a Boogie Pack and blasts off]'' WHOO-HOO! :''[Alpha-Omega roars]'' :'''Rex:''' Ye-e-e-ah! :'''Upgrade:''' Nice shot, Rex! Run, run, run, run, run, run, run! :''[Alpha-Omega screams]'' :''[Alpha-Omega roars]'' :'''Rex and Ben:''' Aah! Oof! :''[Rex and Ben groaning]'' :'''Rex:''' We need a direct hit on the Alpha. :'''Ben:''' More insults? I've got a good one. :'''Rex:''' I've got an idea, but you have to trust me. When I fire, you've got to make your roly-poly thing. :'''Ben:''' You're not thinking of-- :'''Rex:''' Yup. :'''Ben:''' Isn't that dangerous? :'''Rex:''' Probably. :'''Ben:''' On three? :'''Rex:''' I've officially decided I like you, monster guy. :'''Ben:''' Same here, robot kid. One-- :'''Rex:''' Two-- Three! :''[Alpha-Omega roars]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' WOO-HOO! Yeah! Oh, yeah! He shoots! He scores! WHOO! And the crowd goes wild! :''[Rex imitates crowd cheering]'' :'''Rex:''' Whoa, there, little nanite brothers. Where do you think you're going? Alpha's not the only one who can tell you what to do. :'''Ben:''' Isn't your Omega Nanite going to be in there, too? :'''Caesar:''' I'll handle that. Where are you, little guy? Got it! Look! It worked! :'''Ben:''' And that, my friend, is how you save the world. :'''Caesar:''' Very clever, little brother. The density of this sphere is over thirty grams per centimeter cubed. It would be extremely difficult for Alpha to slip through the molecules of this, assuming it survived compaction. We need to get rid of it. :'''Rex:''' Caesar, wait! :'''Caesar:''' Rex, I wasn't fully able to repair the Void gun. I'm not sure how long my repairs will hold before it discharges. We only get one shot at this, and we have to do it fast. It's now or never, Rex. :'''Rex:''' How are you going to carry it? That thing must weigh ten tons! :'''Ben:''' I'm not going to carry it. :'''Upchuck:''' Let's do this again someday. :''[Upchuck munching]'' :''[Upchuck gulping]'' :'''Rex:''' Wow! That's just-- Wow! Six? :'''Bobo:''' He's gone. :'''Rex:''' ''[Weakly]'' Gone? :'''Bobo:''' To the little ninja's room. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' He's going to be fine, Rex. :'''Rex:''' He is?! All right! Yes! Oh, man, I knew it! I knew the whole time! :''[Rex laughs]'' :'''Rex:''' I mean... cool. I'm glad you're alive! :'''Six:''' Me too. :'''Rex:''' I was so scared, Six. I've never done anything so hard in all my life. I really thought the world was going to end, And then I totally kicked butt! :'''Six:''' I hear you had a little help. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, when his monster watch wasn't conked out. Ben was a cool kid. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' With infinite dimensions, the math doesn't work in your favor, Rex. :'''Bobo:''' Math-- The enemy of all things good. :'''Six:''' Although-- The cosmos works in mysterious ways. I think certain people are meant to meet, to fight side by side, to be friends. You may see one another sooner than you think. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Caesar?! How did you...? :'''Caesar:''' Okay. Before White Knight comes looking for me here, one last piece of unfinished business. :'''Rex:''' You're sure this is the Omega, right? I mean, you didn't grab the Alpha by mistake? :'''Caesar:''' 100% certain. Well, actually 99.998%. Nothing is 100%. ===Phantom of the Soap Opera=== :'''Rex Salazar:''' In a world he never chose and barely understands... ''[Rex looks over the countryside from a cliff, jumps and lands in a snow scene]'' One incredibly good looking guy fights for us all. His name...you know it baby...Rex. ''[jumps into a lake scene]'' Forget train wrecks... ''[punches]'' And car wrecks... ''[kicks]'' Nothing brings the pain like this Rex. ''[runs into city scene. EVO walks down street, Rex runs up, jumps, grabs EVO's head and tears it off. Holds it over his head in victory gesture.]'' :'''Actor in costume:''' Yeah, yeah, that's hilarious kid. :'''Noah Nixon:''' Ah, anytime you want to stop trying to get me fired get back to the tour. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. Got caught up in the moment. :'''Actor in costume:''' Ah, dude? :''[Rex puts head back on the man in EVO costume.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' And on your left, the sound stage where they make the hit TV show Middle School Talent show. :''[Teen girls on tour squeal and run towards it.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' That's a closed set. ''[Noah pulls on his hair]'' C'mon, this is my first week as a page, I could lose my job! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got this. ''[pulls girls back from stage with turbines]'' I just don't get girls, how come they get so... ''[notices something behind Noah, acts all excited]'' Huh hu oh huh... oh El Amor de la Pasion del Amor! Why didn't you tell me EADLPDA was made here? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Um, probably because I didn't really believe you actually still watch a soap opera. :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's a telenovela. The actresses are smoking hot. And I don't have cable?...ah c'mon dude don't be a hater. ''[crosses arms]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Whatever. We're not going in there, they get like ten safety violations a week, no one's allowed in accept crew and studio staff. :'''Rex Salazar:''' You mean like pages? ''[Brushes Noah's shoulder with his hand, smiling. Noah brushes his hand away.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' No way. My boss is a total butt-buster for the rules and she is always watching. ''[makes binocular with his hands]'' :'''Head Page:''' You got that right bub. ''[Rex looks behind him, and jumps away]'' By the way Page, you lose something? ''[has three girls from Noah's tour group tied up in a rope]'' Found these wandering over by Middle School Talent Show. ''[Noah runs over and unties them, rope falls]'' :'''Head Page:''' ''[points to her left eye]'' I got my one good eye on you, Nixon. :''[On set of telenovela]'' :''[Isabella crying]'' :'''Reymundo:''' Pensabas que yo era tu marido. ¡Pero fue una mentira! Pero la verdad es que soy Reymundo, el hermano diabólico de Reynaldo. :'''Isabella:''' Yo sé, pero todavía te amo. :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[standing by salad bar in cafeteria looking up at TV screen]'' How can anyone say that's not great! :''[Man in cowboy hat tips his hat to Noah]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa? Celebrities know you? :''[There are drinks on their trays at this point, then in the next frame there are no drinks on their trays and they go over to get drinks.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' The only one here who knows my name is my boss. I'm just a newb on an internship. :''[Blond girl puts her hand on Noah's shoulder and reaches across him to get a soda, walks away, looks back and gives him a finger gun.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Yeah right, you just got a finger gun from TV weather lady Summer Sonnenshine. :'''Noah Nixon:''' It's the page jacket not me, if you put this thing on everyone would think you work here. Still. I gotta admit it's pretty cool. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Y'know, I didn't even know you'd applied for this. But I guess when you jump ahead in time you gotta expect some surprises...OH MY GOSH... ''[drops tray]'' It's Isabella, from El Amor del Pasion del Amor. :''[Rex throws up his arms, knocks tray into Noah's chest spilling it all over his jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' AHHH! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I know she's even hotter in real life than she is on the... :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[looks down at tray and jacket]'' Ohhhhh... :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, okay don't worry... :'''Head Page:''' ''[yelling at another page behind Rex]'' You call yourself a page! :'''Rex:''' Okay worry. ''[puts his fingers together]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' This is a huge violation of the dress code, oh I am so fired! :'''Rex Salazar:''' No you're not. Come on, move! :''[They run to a supply closet.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' I've gotta lead another tour in forty-five minutes. We can't get to a dry cleaners and back in forty-five minutes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is my bad, but I can fix this. ''[Noah panicking, rocking and hyperventilating]'' We just have to calm down and think. Just calm down. ''[Rex points at Noah]'' Noah, calm down! :''[Rex grabs a bottle of pickles off the shelf, opens the lid and throw contents of jar at Noah's head. A pickle ends up in Noah's mouth, he spits it out.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Not helping. ''[Noah, calm now and not hyperventilating and rocking, wipes pickle juice out of his eyes.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, listen we passed the wardrobe department on the tour, they've gotta have a washer and dryer right? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Uh... yeah, I guess? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Alright, good, give me your outfit and stay put, I'll take care of everything else. :''[Scene change. Sign which says laundry stages commissary.]'' :''[Rex runs towards laundry, passes stage of telenovela. Grins and stops. Looks into open door. Looks down at soiled jacket. Up at stage doorway. Walks away. Runs back and grins bigger. Walks into stage with Noah's jacket on.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh-- :'''Isabella:''' Finally! You are here! :''[Isabella kisses Rex all over his face.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is happening, right? I'm not going to wake up and be making out with my pillow again am I? :'''Isabella:''' Come with me, they want to cancel us you know. That's why the studio puts us here in this place falling apart with all the accidentes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Soap operas do not get the respect they deserve. :'''Isabella:''' You are very wise for your age. We don't even go backstage anymore. Too dangerous. :''[A silhouette of a rat is seen, it squeaks]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Is that our page? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :''[Rex falls]'' :'''Isabella:''' He's mine, I saw him first! :''[Rex gets up and Isabella grabs him.]'' :'''Isabella:''' He is mine!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hum? :'''Beatriz:''' Why don't we let him decide? :'''[Rex is being pulled back and forth]'' :'''Isabella:''' You would like that wouldn't you? :'''Beatriz:''' Yes I would! Very much. :'''Isabella:''' Fine. :''[Girls growl at each other and walk away.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[grinning]'' Did they just cat-fight over me? :''[The girls come back with lists.]'' :'''Isabella:''' Here is a list of what I need you to do! :'''Beatriz:''' And here's mine! :'''Rex Salazar:''' You want me to work on the show? :'''Beatriz:''' Claro que si, we haven't had a page on set in ages. :'''Rex Salazar:''' But I'm not ... ''[looks over the girls]'' ...able to think of one reason why I would pass this up. :''[Screen cuts to Noah looking out the door. He sees the chief page and closes the door quickly, after that, the scene changes back to Rex carrying boxes of water with yogurt on top.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got your yogurt, but I couldn't find the water you wanted. So I got these. :'''Isabella:''' You are dead to me! But I will take this one. ''[takes yogurt]'' :''[Rex stares in shock and drops the boxes full of water.]'' :''[Old man walks in a dressing room, and Reynaldo comes out soon later.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, it's Reynaldo! Uh, coffee? ''[offers him a mug of coffee]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Gracias. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Leche? :'''Reynaldo:''' How dare you! I am lactose intolerant. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh, okay, didn't know that. Sugar? :''[Reynaldo knocks the sugar out of his hand.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Real men take their coffee strong and hot. Are you suggesting that I am not a real man? :''[Rex looks around and the phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex, where are you? :'''Reynaldo:''' No phone! ''[Reynaldo knocks the phone out of his hand.]'' You will talk to me face to face. Mano a mano! ''[grabs Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey wait what are you... ''[Reynaldo pulls Rex away from table. Stage light falls where Rex was standing]'' ...Oh, thanks! :''[Everyone runs up to them.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Not another accidente! :'''Isabella:''' ''[scared]'' Ay. Dios mio! No! :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's okay, I'm fine. :'''Isabella:''' ''[pushes Rex down]'' My jogurt! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'd hate to be the guy that has to clean that up... ''[whispers to man though they look at him]'' Oh. ''[Reynaldo hands him the mop.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone was trying to kill us. :'''Reynaldo:''' Someone is. The head of the studio is trying to kill our soap opera. That's why he put us in this accursed stage, with all these accidentes. But we... ''[another stage light falls and hits his head, he falls to the ground]'' Aahh... Por que? Ay. :''[Rex looks up and sees a mongoose...runs after it...goes backstage. Sees clowns and a sign saying “Mongo”.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ugh! Clowns. :''[The mongoose squeaks.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Lemme guess. You're the one who's been causing all the accidents. :''[Mongo growls, bears teeth]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, let's say we can wrap this up quietly. Last thing I need is someone wondering why the guy in the page jacket can do this. ''[wraps Mongo up in the whip thing, Mongo gets tiny, escapes, growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Guess that explains how you've been able to hide out back here. ''[Mongo pulls lever cannon comes out of floor and fires at Rex. Platform falls Rex dodges. Mongo squeaks]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Can we please do this a little more quietly and with a lot less YOU trying to kill me? :''[Mongo jumps into the “O” of his name on the sign.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Wait, that's you, isn't it? You just want your job back. I can help you. ''[reaches in and tries to cure him Mongo runs out and traps Rex's hand]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Enough with the booby traps, I'm trying to help you. ''[Mongo sets off another trap]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh-oh. [makes big fist, weight on rope swings and hits Rex, makes noise] :'''Beatriz:''' What's going on back there? :'''Isabella:''' Where is that page? I am beginning to wonder ...HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR HIM TO CLEAN UP MY JOGURT!!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Getting thrown around back stage]'' Ouch. ''[gets beat up by mechanical clowns]'' :''[Mongo cuts stars from ceiling they fall and cut Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ok, New plan-- First I smash your face, then I cure you. :''[Mongo knocks over equipment]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. ''[grabs equipment, Mongo jumps on his arm, punches him and he falls]'' Oww! Look out! :''[Actors run from set, Rex falls and smashes set]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uhh, okay here's the deal—all the accidents you've been having they were caused by an EVO backstage. It used to be a mongoose and now it wants it's old job back. ''[last wall of stage set falls behind him]'' :'''Beatriz:''' What are jou talking about? :'''Isabella:''' We just saw you ruin our set. :'''Reynaldo:''' You are trying to destroy this soap opera just like the rest of them! It is true what they say, this sound stage must be cursed for us to have such a horrible page such as you, Senior... ''[looks at name badge]'' Noah Nixon. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, wait. This isn't Noah's fault. :''[Three actors gasps]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' ''[tears off his own shirt]'' Now you insult us by talking about yourself in the third person! Somehow we must rebuild and finish our shoot! But as soon as we do, Noah Nixon, I will have you fired! :''[Workers fixing set, Rex's phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex! Finally. How's the jacket? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Umm. Well, the good news is you won't notice the stain anymore. Hey uh, by the way, your page training, did it include anything about the creepy backstage in studio B? :'''Noah Nixon:''' What? Why are you-- :'''Rex Salazar:''' No reason. I was just thinking, hypothetically, what would happen if I used your jacket to take a quick peek at the telenovela and ended up chasing some killer EVO mongoose? Hypothetically... Uh...Noah? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Sorry, just trying to figure out how to tell my parents I have no future. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey I got this. I hit a little snag. Just keep your pants on. :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[sitting the maintenance closet in his underwear]'' Heh! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry, look, you don't have anything to worry about all I have to do is catch the EVO before they finish shooting and clear my... your name. :'''Noah Nixon:''' You know what? I'm not worried. I am completely resigned to the fact that I am losing my job. ''[Noah hangs up on Rex. Rex hears dial tone.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' ''[to Reynaldo]'' You are bleeding! :'''Reynaldo:''' What I am is an actor! We must shoot this scene. We cannot let them cancel us! ''[moans and falls on his face crushing a chair]'' :'''Beatriz:''' You cannot go on. :'''Isabella:''' If only there were someone else here who knows our show, is fluent in Spanish, and will do a scene in which he kisses me. :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'll do it!!! :'''Reynaldo:''' You? The one who ruined our set and lied about the EVO? I'd rather die! But then, my life will surely end if the show is canceled, so maybe... But no! It's impossible. But yet, what is more impossible than a dream. Nothing means more than my dream of saving this telenovela! :'''Rex Salazar:''' So, is that a-- :'''Reynaldo:''' Si. You will be our savior. And then I will have you fired. Accion! :''[Rex is dressed as Reynaldo. Takes Isabella in his arms and looks deep into her eyes, smiles..then turns away, sees Mongo and gasps. Isabella pulls his face back to her and puckers for a kiss. Mongo squeaks and runs out the door and Rex turns his eyes towards it.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[thinking]'' Okay no kiss, but you're gonna save Noah's job! ''[groans]'' Nope. Doesn't make it any better. ''[Runs out Isabelle runs after him, trips on his wig and falls to the ground gasping, reaching after him]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[makes Rex Ride to chase Mongo down alley. Runs into a set. Falls]'' Where'd you go? :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Page! Take this script to post, pronto. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey wait, I'm not-- :'''Guy in suit:''' Oh? You're not going to do it? Are you talking back to me Mr.... Nixon? :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. Mr. Nixon is not definitely not talking back to whoever you are. ''[takes script, leaves]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[Points in the other direction of where Rex was going. Rex goes where he's pointing]'' :''[Rex walks by alley hears Mongo munching garbage, sneaks up, tries to cure it. It escapes, Rex corners it in dead end alley]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Oh you're not so tough when you can't hide, are you? ''[Mongo growls and grows huge]'' Oh so you can do that too. ''[Mongo roars, swipes at Rex with claws]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, watch the jacket. I'm in enough trouble already. ''[Sets down scripts. Big fists. Mongo shrinks to escape. Rex falls to the ground. Mongo gets huge again behind him, tries to stomp on Rex, Rex rolls out of the way, Mongo shrinks and runs away, Rex climbs out of hole in ground breathing heavily and falls to ground.]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' ''[walks up]'' Are you kidding me? You still haven't delivered that script? ''[Rex runs off]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[points in other direction, Rex runs that way]'' :''[Mongo jumps off roof grows huge lands on Rex, grabs script.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, gimme that! ''[grabs Mongo with big fist throws him into a stage building]'' :''[Rex looks in the hole into the stage.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. ''[runs off after Mongo]'' :''[Mongo throws him higher than the roof tops, Rex lands on big feet, Mongo tackles him. Rex lands in front of the post building, grabs remains of script out of Mongo's mouth. Mongo runs away, Rex gathers script remains and hands it to man at post door.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I think this is for you. ''[runs after Mongo]'' :''[Phone rings]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Did you catch it? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Not yet, but I delivered a script for you, well, most of it. :'''Noah Nixon:''' I am so dead. :'''Lady with clipboard:''' ''[grabs Rex by the collar]'' Noah Nixon, you're right on time for your two p.m. tour. ''[Gives Rex clipboard and keys]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Driving tram with tourists]'' Uh, there's a building where some TV shows are made and there's another one and oh great there's the giant killer EVO. :''[Mongo chasing tram, Rex steps on gas. Tram goes sloooow. Mongo attacks tram. Rex lands, catches tourists with big hands, flies off on hoverboard]'' :'''Tourist:''' They had better special effects at my kids' school play. :''[Back on soap opera stage]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I need a bigger reaction from you. Bigger! :''[Rex crashes through ceiling with Mongo hanging on the bottom of his hoverboard, heading towards Isabella.]'' :''[Isabella screams and covers head, Mongo crashes into set]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Yes! That's it exactly! :''[Mongo growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Be careful or you're gonna get the hand. ''[big fists with right hand. Mongo jumps at him, Rex grins and raises his left hand and cures Mongo. Mongo lays on ground cute and unconscious.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' That's not the hand I meant. :''[Actors, stunned, applaud]'' :''[Rex picks up Mongo.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' You are a good page, Noah Nixon. :''[Mongo wakes up runs around on Rex and perches on his shoulder cutely.]'' :''[At supply closet with Noah, Rex walks in holding torn up jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Oh, my jacket! ''[Cuddles jacket, then holds it up and glares at Rex through the hole in it. Rex grins guiltily.]'' :''[Head Page walks in, Noah hides jacket, then realizes he is in underwear and tries to hide himself behind jacket.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I got a dozen calls from all over the lot about you, Nixon. I don't know what you were thinking. ''[He sits down, sweat runs down his face, he closes his eyes, frowns, runs head away. Head page grabs him and hugs him.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I'm proud of you, kiddo! It took me sixty seven years to make chief page. I bet you'll get the job in half that time. ''[Noah stands up holding jacket in front of him. Rex and Noah look puzzled Head Page walks to door, turns back]'' :'''Head Page:''' Oh and them soap opera fellas, eh, they got a special reward for you. ''[they look at each other with puzzled frowns]'' :''[Telenovela stage, Noah dressed as Reynaldo. Isabella kisses him.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' And cut! You look differante than you did before, Noah Nixon. ''[Noah looks up at his blond eyebrows and takes off the wig and mustache. Smiles at Reynaldo. Reynaldo looks at him thoughtfully.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I can see you've been to makeup. Good you finally look like a real man! ''[Noah smiles.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' [peeking in from backstage, makes a jealous face as Noah is laughing together with the actors.] It's okay, it's okay. You're a good friend, you're a good friend. :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Quit talking to yourself and get me some coffee! ''[Rex runs off]'' Nixon! :''[Mongo looking down from rafters]'' ===Riddle of the Sphinx=== :'''Egyptian Guide:''' They uncovered the tunnel during routine sewer work. No one has set foot in here in over 3.500 years. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Providence doesn't work the location yet? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' ''[laughs]'' The antiquities comission does not like this Black Knight. They keep her busy with much paperwork. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The maze looks like it extends for miles. They do that to keep looters out? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' Or to keep something in. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Anything that was trapped in here couldn't be alive after all this time. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' I-I-I must go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''': Watch out! Bobby traps. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' That's not what I'm afraid of. :'''Bobo:''' It's only been a few days since we heard from Holiday. :'''Six:''' Something's wrong. :'''Bobo:''' Maybe she wanted a vacation from you clowns. "Something's wrong." :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Providence! She in is trouble. :'''Six:''' Black Knight. And she has your better half. :'''Bobo:''' I'm predictin' an awkward situation. :'''Black Knight:''' Hello, Rex. If you came for your friend, I'll have to disappoint you. :'''Rex:''' That hairy creep? You can keep the traitor. Hey! My faithful guide, why don't you go away while we discuss business? :'''Bobo:''' It's me, you dopey tin can! Beat it! Or the boss lady's gonna get wise to our little switcheroo. :'''Rex:''' What's the campout for? :'''Black Knight:''' Routine scientific research. :'''Rex:''' Look, I know Holiday was here. What'd you do with her? :'''Black Knight:''' We arrived an hour ago. The locals say Holiday unleashed a monster down in the tunnels. The situation's under control. As soon as we've secured the tunnels, I'll send a team in to see if she's still alive. :'''Rex:''' I'm going with you. :'''Black Knight:''' You're going nowhere. You quit Providence. Unless you're recosindering? :'''Rex:''' Come on, guide. Holiday's in those tunnels. But Black Knight has a whole battalion of Providence goons guarding the entrance. :'''Six:''' I figured she'd be no help. That's why I found someone who knows a back way in. :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The Kushari is healthy. For the stomach, good. :'''Rex:''' Enough about the Kushari! Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' For so young, you in such a hurry. And old cook like me, I live by selling Kushari. Why not buy some? You buy, I give you more information. :'''Bobo:''' Ah, come on. Stop bein' so stingy. Buy some more. :'''Six:''' Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The sewer man-- They came to fix a leak. They found the tunnel to the entrance in my basement. :'''Bobo:''' Mmm! :'''Rex:''' Way cool! Maybe we'll see some mummies! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Tell us where Holiday is! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Where do you think I am? :'''Six:''' Holiday! :'''Bobo:''' So, what's with the halloween get up, doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I found it in one of the chambers. Scares off the curious. I need to get to the bottom of all this before Black Knight. :'''Rex:''' The bottom of what? This is all ancient history? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You can this ancient history? :'''Rex:''' That looks like a nanite! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's because it is a nanite. :'''Six:''' How could they have knowledge back then? :'''Rex:''' Aliens! Like the ones that built the pyramids. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' None of this is more advanced that the 21st century. It's not aliens. I think the answers lie behind this door. But I can't figure out how to open it. :'''Rex:''' Open the door? No problem, Doc! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Stop! This whole place is booby-trapped. We open this wrong, they'll bring the tunnels down on us. :'''Rex:''' If there's a wrong way to open it, then that means there's a right way, too. Maybe the nanite picture is a clue. The whole thing is rigged like one. Told you-- No prob. Whoa, mumies. :'''Bobo:''' What are you lookin' at, beautiful? :'''Rex:''' Ha! Awesome! I'd love to see the look on Knight's face when she finds out we've beat her here. :'''Black Knight:''' Then let me step a little closer so you can see. :'''Six:''' How'd you find us? :'''Black Knight:''' Your mole helped me. :'''Bobo:''' Sorry, pal. :'''Black Knight:''' I should have known better. It's old junk from the dead. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Guranset:''' Gharun Set is not dead. :'''Rex:''' Put her down! :'''Black Knight:''' This isn't the time for violence. Our host has forgotten his manners. I presume he hasn't had guests in a long time. :'''Guranset:''' Almost an eternity. Gharun Set said has waited for his release. Awaken this cursed prison through the ages. :'''Black Knight:''' You speak English. That is interesting. Who taught your own language, Gharun Set? :'''Guranset:''' I was taught by the great father. :'''Black Knight:''' Father? What did he look me? :'''Guranset:''' He is dead-- As all of you soon shall be! :'''Black Knight:''' Now's the time for violence. :'''Guranset:''' Aah! :'''Black Knight:''' A nanite disrupter. Something I had your brother's lab whip up. It's quite lethal. :'''Rex:''' Looks like the lab forgot to tell him that. :'''Guranset:''' The boy controls the engines of life? It can't be. I laid low the armies of six kingdoms, swordsman. You think your tiny blades can stop me? :'''Rex:''' Try this one for size! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His staff is a nanite disrupter. Get it away from him. :'''Rex:''' Easier said than done! :'''Guranset:''' Haah! :'''Rex:''' Oh, mummies! :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, yeah, you got your mummies. I hope you're happy! :'''Six:''' Rex! We can handle this! He's getting away! :'''Guranset:''' One last trap to keep me imprisoned, father. Nothing will keep me from my destiny! You serve his plan, child, and don't even know it. :'''Rex:''' Everybody talk weird in ancient Egypt, or it is just your special thing? Uh... are they supposed to do that? :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Guranset:''' Finally! I am free! :'''Six:''' These EVO's won't say dead. :'''Bobo:''' Their breath stinks, too! Ah, boy! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You could thank me for saving your life. :'''Black Knight:''' Dr. Holiday, our lives are not safe yet. :'''Guranset:''' I am not alone. Together, we shall reconquer this land, and then.. the world! :'''Rex:''' Uh, I think the sun's baked him loopy. You can't reanimate that. It's a statue. :'''Guranset:''' This is not statue, child. It is a tomb. Arise, my mighty steed. Arise, my sphinx! :'''Rex:''' Providence, this is Rex. You may want to evacuate Cairo. :'''Guranset:''' This city is a blight upon my kingdom. All shall be as it once was. :'''Rex:''' I'm warning you, Gharun Set-- I don't want to have to get rough with you. Step off the pussycat. :'''Guranset:''' You presume to tell a pharaoph what to do. Be gone! :'''Six:''' Holiday. There's something I want to tell you before it's too late. :'''Bobo:''' Ugh. Hold still! Oh, no. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All of them. Like the nanites keeping them alive... self-destructed? I'm sorry. What were you going to say? :'''Six:''' Holiday... I, uh... :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hold that thought. :'''Bobo:''' What's it gonna be, the kooky chicks or we go help Rex save the world? :'''Six:''' Rex probably has this under control. Holiday needs my-- our help. :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, I can't resist a good catfight either. :'''Rex:''' Let me handle! This it's too dangerous! :'''Pilot:''' Black Knight, target sighted. It's riding a 50-foot-tall house cat. Please advise. :'''Black Knight:''' Do not harm. Contain and capture. We need that specimen. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Pilot disregard. Last order. Target no longer needed. Destroy. Repeat-- Destroy. :'''Pilot:''' You're with the lady. Lock and load. :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! Get out of here! I don't know what he's up to, but it's not good. :'''Garunset:''' Behold the majesty of my dream. My kingdom! My paradise! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What is this place? :'''Black Knight:''' It's the stuff of legends. The fabled hall of records which lay hidden beneath where the sphinx once was. :'''Bobo:''' "Was"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This can't be! That's the helix splitter. And that looks like a nano-flux inducer. Caesar built the first prototype of one last year. :'''Black Knight:''' I can't let you touch any of this. It's too unstable with age. When you blundered in the tomb, you set off a safeguard. Someone thought this room too dangerous for the world to know about. :'''Bobo:''' Agreed. Let's scram! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't! Don't you know what this means to science? The knowledge in here is invaluable. It cannot be lost-- Again! :'''Black Knight:''' It won't be! Now that we know where it is, we can dig it out later. We will study it. I promise you that. :'''Six''': Holiday. Let it go. :'''Guranset''': As father promised-- I will rule forever. :'''Rex''': Forever is gonna be shorter than you think. :'''Guranset''': No! Nooooo! :'''Rex''': Aw, come on! I didn't hit you that hard! :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Rex''': What's happening to you? :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Guranset''': Aaaaaaaaah! :''[Guranset grunts]'' :'''Guranset''': Do not touch your pharaoh. :'''Rex''': You need help. Your nanites are dying of old age-- I think. It's like starting an old car. Uh, o-or a camel. Let me help you. I can fix your nanites, and then maybe-- :'''Guranset''': Lies! :'''Rex''': You're in a strange time, a strange place. We have science, machines. We can help you. Trust us. :'''Guranset''': Like you trust the woman you call Black Knight? I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. Father told me of you... Rex. :'''Rex:''' What? How do you know my-- :'''Guranset''': I would have helped the world. Ended the hunger, the wars. But now he will return. Avenge me. ''[Echoing]'' I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. <hr width80/> :'''Black Knight:''' You wanted something? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The hall of records-- You can't keep it a secret. It must be studied. That hall-- :'''Black Knight:''' What hall? :'''Rex:''' Why'd you do that?! Holiday said-- :'''Black Knight:''' Some secrets are best left buried under the sands, Rex. :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Gentleman. Dr. Holiday. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, what'd you want to tell me back in the tomb? :'''Six:''' It can wait. :'''Rex:''' Don't wait too long. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All those priceless artifacts. And we still don't know who created Gharun Set. ===Guy vs. Guy=== :'''Rex:''' This means war. <hr width80%> ===Double Vision=== : ''[The episode starts as a butterfly flies through plants in a flower shop. Suddenly, Rex is thrown into the shop window, making nearby civilians run away. Rex gets up and looks out of the broken glass, seeing a beastly plant EVO, a few people watching, and Agent Six slashing his swords around to evade the EVO's tentacles.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Pants and brushes leaves off his sleeve and puts on goggles.]'' Not bad! : ''[Uses the Punk Busters to jump out of the shop and generates his Smack Hands to uppercut the EVO, causing it to crash into a nearby building.]'' But I'm better! : ''[The EVO gets out of the glass windows and roars, attacking Agent Six.]'' : '''Agent Six:''' ''[Cuts off a tentacle and walks towards Rex.]'' Talk is cheap, Rex. Prove it. : '''Rex:''' ''[Generating the Smack Hands.]'' No problemo. : ''[The EVO rushes towards Rex, unfortunately, Rex grabs it and slams it onto the ground. A random girl is driving up the road on a moped. However, she is stopped as the EVO blocks the path.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Putting his hands up to assure the girl.]'' Nothing to worry about, I've got this handled. ''[Turns to EVO, whom is still on the floor.]'' Okay big guy, say adiós to those nasty nanites. : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex kneels down to cure the EVO, flowers spout out of the EVO]'' Aw, for me? Does this mean we're dating? : ''[Suddenly, the flowers shoot out some goo into Rex's face, making him slam onto the floor, a crowd forms around the battle.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Yelps while getting up and pulls his goggles off and wipes the goo off his face.]'' Oh, that's better. ''[He gives his goggles to the random female on the moped]'' Hey! Watch these for me. ''[Runs back into battle and generates the Punk Busters and kicks the blacked out EVO over a building.]'' Goal! Hey thanks for holding onto my...huh?... : ''[Rex turns around to see the girl missing from the crowd. Deforming his Punk Busters, he spots the girl riding away on her moped. She turns to look back at Rex, appearing to have on his goggles.]'' : '''Rex:''' Goggles! : ''[Rex puts one of his hands up to signal for her to wait, but the EVO returns and wraps its tentacle around Rex's neck. The EVO twists Rex in mid-air in the sky for a minute before slamming him onto the cement. Rex gets up and sees the goggle girl riding away out of sight.]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! You've got my...ungh...goggles... Aah! Ungh! Did you see that girl?! She stole my goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Priorities, Rex. : '''Rex:''' They are my priority, Six. I can pound EVOs any day. Those goggles are-- Ah, great. Who invited her? : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, gentlemen. We've got this covered. : '''Rex:''' We don't need any help. Whoa! Whoa! Ungh! : '''Black Knight:''' Obviously. Control collar-- Now. We'll take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Take it from whe-e-re?! I've already got this under contro-o-o-o-l! Whoa! Ugh! Let me try to cure it. : '''Black Knight:''' The new Providence protocol is to confine, constrain and control. If curing is an option, it will be considered-- At my discretion. : '''Rex:''' Control? I can cure it now and end this. : '''Black Knight:''' The offer still stands. If you want to come back to Providence, you can continue your mission. : '''Rex:''' I have my mission! : '''Black Knight:''' Curing every EVO on Earth isn't a mission, Rex. It's an impossibility. : '''Rex:''' Watch me. : '''Black Knight:''' Everybody back! Contain those seedlings! : '''Rex:''' You just made it worse! Now I've got to clean up your mess. Starting with this guy. See? Fearing works! : '''Black Knight:''' It was your actions that exacerbated this situation. I want full containment and control over those seedlings. Move out-- Now. : '''Agent Six:''' While you were arguing, Holiday found another sprout. Let's go deal with that before Providence does. : '''Rex:''' But-- My goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Focus, Rex. We've got work to do. : '''Rex:''' Nice work! : '''Agent Six:''' Drop in the bucket. Look below. : '''Rex:''' Wow. And I thought I'd be able to knock off early today. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' On the contrary, Rex. By overlaying current worldwide wind patterns on top of international population centers, we're looking at total global infestation within thirty-eight hours. : '''Bobo:''' Ooh, that's a lot of roughage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I need to get in the field and obtain some live samples. Bobo and I will meet you at the rendezvous point in the mobile command center. : '''Rex:''' Okay, doc. We're almost there. Hey! It's that girl! Wh-o-o-o-oa! : '''Agent Six:''' What's gotten into you, Rex? : '''Rex:''' My goggles-- I can't see without them! : '''Agent Six:''' Obviously, you can see without them. : '''Rex:''' Well, yeah, but I really need them a lot of the time. Don't you remember when I first got them? : '''Agent Six:''' Actually, no. : '''Rex:''' Oh. Sorry. My bad. It was early on, when I was just learning to control my powers. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Aaaah! Aah! Aaaaah! Oof! : '''Agent Six:''' Horse manure. : '''Rex:''' This is exactly why I need my goggles! Hey! I thought this thing was just a sprout! : '''Agent Six:''' It's the nature of plants to grow. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Very Zen of you, Six. Well, it's the nature of me to kick EVO butt! Whoa! Oof! Yuck! This stuff really stinks! : '''Agent Six:''' All yours. : '''Rex:''' Ta-da! And for my next trick... Oh, and look who's late to the party. : '''Black Knight:''' ''[Entering]'' Alpha team, I want you to lay down suppressive fire and-- : ''[Realizing the EVOs not there]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Belay that. Sit Ops, I was told we had a Class-Three EVO situation here. Where is the EVO? : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex hands her flowers]'' Sorry. This is all that's left. Six, are we good here? I've got to run. : '''Agent Six:''' I'd put those in water. : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Rex:''' Slow down! I just want to-- Ungh! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? What?! No way! Hey! You've got my-- Ugh! Whoa! ...Goggles. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've got bigger problems than a girl on a scooter, Rex. First a flower shop, then gardening supplies. It's getting hungrier. Gentlemen, I suggest you get to the sewage-treatment plant as quickly as possible. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Why? : '''Agent Six:''' Fertilizer, Rex, as in if those sprouts chow down on that much raw nourishment, we're in some deep... : ''[Plant EVO bursts through a nearby wall]'' : '''Rex:''' ...Horse maneure. Hungry? Eat this! : '''Agent Six:''' Holiday, get to the sewage plant. We'll meet you there after we clean up. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Clean up? I'd rather make a mess! Shoulda brought my chainsaw. : '''Agent Six:''' Shoot the seedlings! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, this time I'm going to-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! Wait! Aw, man! Back off! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Bobo:''' You went a little nuts there, buddy. I like it! But... Goggles? : '''Rex:''' That EVO interrupted before I could finish the story. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Agent Six:''' Here, kid. Try these on. : '''Rex:''' Um, so I can look like a total doofus? : '''Agent Six:''' You have no idea how unique these goggles are, Rex. A reclusive weaponsmith in Zurich crafted this single pair before he turned EVO. : '''Rex:''' Really? And then what happened to him? : '''Agent Six:''' I did. He won't be crafting any more goggles. : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Agent Six:''' These are one-of-a-kind, Rex-- Special, for you. : '''Bobo:''' What a bunch of chimp chips! Those goggles are-- Whoa! : '''Rex:''' Wow. That is a lot of rampaging EVO. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. Lucky holiday-- She's right in the thick of it. : '''Rex:''' Lucky? : '''Bobo:''' She gets to try out all the special modifications I made to that sweet ride. : ''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Plant EVO has Holiday trapped inside the Mobile Command Center]'' Okay. Let's see how you like 10,000 volts of-- : ''[Holiday presses a button, and music starts playing]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo's mix tape?! Who puts the stereo next to the weapons system?! One more time-- Big red button. Always go for the big red button. Unless you don't want to drain the batteries to zero. : ''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo, your improvements could use some improvements. Rex, if you're not too busy, I'd appreciate a little assistance. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, ain't that your girlfriend? : '''Agent Six:''' She can take care of herself, right, Rex? : '''Rex:''' Right-- For now. : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' That's more like it. Ungh! Fine! Let's see how you like this! I don't know what you just did, Rex, but thanks. Rex? : '''Black Knight:''' I admit our last encounter didn't end well, but I think we need to work together on this one. : '''Rex:''' You want to work together? We left Providence, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex-- : '''Rex:''' What happened to "stay out of my way"? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' So now when you need somebody to take out your trash, you can just forget that I quit your crummy organization? : '''Black Knight:''' Yes, Rex, I can, because I don't let my emotions guide my choices. I only want what's best for Providence-- And the world. : '''Rex:''' Okay, cool. Just wanted to hear you say it. Aah! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, the EVO is too big to cure without getting to its core. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, well, I'm not doing much good out here! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All those vines, the seedlings, everything-- They're just puppets to the plant. Stop those nanites in the core, and you cut the strings. : '''Rex:''' On it! Huh?! : '''Agent Six:''' Watch it, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! All I want are my goggles. All I've wanted all day are my goggles, and this EVOs been blocking me over and over! Hey, Bobo, you know how to shoot one of these? : '''Bobo:''' Eh, how hard could it be? : '''Rex:''' Load me into this thing and point it right at that EVO's sweet spot. And hurry. I got better stuff to do. : '''Bobo:''' You do know that's 30,000 gallons of raw sewage you're aimin' at? : '''Rex:''' Don't remind me. Oh... Yuck! Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! : '''Agent Six:''' Elegant solution, Rex. : '''Bobo:''' You don't smell elegant. You stink worse than me. I'm a little jealous. : '''Black Knight:''' All right, Rex. Get to work. : '''Rex:''' Work? What do you mean? I just served that vegetable! : '''Black Knight:''' You cut the strings, but you still have to fix the puppets. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' She's right, Rex. : '''Black Knight:''' You want to cure the world? Start curing. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa, man, I'm beat! I don't think I can move another inch if you paid me. : ''[Goggle girl rides past him]'' : '''Rex:''' Gotta move! See ya! Hey! Stop for a second! Six, I'm really starting to think this girl's got some kind of EVO action going on-- Teleporter, speedster, something. : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Six, she's not just a teleporter. She can make doubles of herself-- Multiple abilities! She's an EVO, like me! : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the skeevy guy who's been chasing me. He was chasing me, too. And me. What do you want? : '''Rex:''' You took my goggles! I want them back! : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey, Einstein, did you see our logo? That stands for "Goggle Girl", as in the delivery service. You haven't ever heard of us? : '''Rex:''' Um... No. : '''Goggle girl:''' "Nothing is cuter than a girl on a scooter." Kind of hard to miss. : ''[Goggle girl groans]'' : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the worst slogan ever. : '''Rex:''' But-- But my goggles! : '''Goggle girl:''' Part of our costume. The boss buys them in bulk, along with these cheesy wigs he makes us wear. It's kind of lame. : '''Rex:''' In bulk?! Those goggles?! But... They're one-of-a-kind! They're special! They're-- They're... I'll just go now. Nope. Nope. Definitely not. : '''Agent Six:''' I still don't know why those goggles were so important to you. : '''Rex:''' You gave to me, Six. It was the first present, the first nice thing that I remember getting since you found me. You said they were special, and that made me feel special. : '''Six:''' Yes, about those goggles... Apparently, according to Bobo, I may have misled you. There was dozens of them in the Providence service bay. : '''Rex:''' I knew the story was fake, but you told it because you cared about me. That's what made them special. : '''Agent Six:''' I see. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, champ. You got a package. : '''Goggle girl:''' Sign, please. : '''Agent Six:''' It's for you. From us. Just open it. : '''Rex:''' My goggles! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Better. We commissioned an enhanced version. : '''Rex:''' Cool! Infrared... Microscopic... Nanovision?! Thanks, you guys. You really are one-of-a-kind. : '''Bobo:''' Those are great, but these are me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need to hold on to them for a few more hours while I run a full diagnostic. : '''Rex:''' A few hours?! I just got them! Aw! : '''Bobo:''' Here-- Because I care. : '''Goggle girl:''' They actually look kinda cute. : '''Rex:''' Hey, doc! No rush! : '''Bobo:''' Ain't love grand? ===Black and White=== : '''Calan:''' Be advised, we've got activity. Major activity. Stop right there, or we'll shoot! Don't make me do it. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''Calan:''' Calan to command, tell Black Knight-- We have apprehended the intruders. Repeat, we got'em. : '''Rex:''' No! Get out of my head! Stop it! Stop! Stop with the talking! A dream. Oh, thank you! For a second, I swore that I heard his voice. It was almost like he was in the-- Room. Huh?! : '''White Knight:''' I was wondering if I was gonna have to send the monkey in with a bucket of water. But I thought, "why should he have all the fun?" Five minutes-- Situation room. Consider this your wake-up call. : '''Rex:''' Aren't you supposed to be playing dead? You're lucky Black Knight doesn't know you're here. : '''White Knight:''' Black Knight thinks what I want her to think. With the installation of the new regime, I suspected that there was more going on at providence than just this new control protocol. I decided to test my hypothesis. I needed time to operate freely without prying eyes. So I went off the grid. : '''Rex:''' And from the smell of it, you haven't changed out of your suit since then. : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''White Knight:''' I've been busy. I've been tracking their operations. They involve familiar locales and even more familiar machinery. : '''Rex:''' You still use a camera with film? Do they even make that stuff anymore? : '''White Knight:''' What they don't make are machines like these. This is the wreckage of Rylander's lab. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Are they doing what I think they're doing? : '''Rex:''' Do what? : '''White Knight:''' It appears that this new Providence is restarting the nanite program. : '''Rex:''' There is no way my brother would help restart something that nearly destroyed the world. There's got to be a good explanation. We should just ask him. : '''White Knight:''' We can't risk direct contact. We need to infiltrate Providence, download her computer banks, and assess how far along they are before we take any other actions. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over there. : '''Rex:''' Just saying there's more here than meets the eye. Whoa! : '''Six:''' Breaking into Providence? That's a big move, even for you. Black Knight is sure to have enhanced the security systems. We may be able to breach the perimeter defenses, but once inside, we'd be blind targets. : '''White Knight:''' You'd be right if we were playing on her board. : '''Six:''' Forgive me for doubting you. : '''Rex:''' Okay, is someone gonna tell me what these are for? This is so not going to work. : '''Six:''' Trust the plan. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, so, maybe they worked. But how'd you get them to do it on cue? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All a matter of timing. Assuming we get past the outer perimeter, securing the data is a completely different story. Providence encrypts all data. We need to disable multiple units before we can download anything off the mainframe. Doing that undetected is ''[sighs]'' insane. : '''Rex:''' Finally, a voice of reason. I'm calling my brother. Took the lady with three phds to realize what I've been saying all along is right. Hey, that costs money! I'm over my minutes! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you... This is... : '''Six:''' Doable. : '''Rex:''' Do what? What is that? A secret passage. : '''White Knight:''' When they built the tower, I had them install, these-- Upper-management corridors. : '''Six:''' In the old days, they called passages like these the king's road. : '''White Knight:''' From here, we face some unknowns. Stick to the plan. Or we could die. : '''Rex:''' What?! Me?! What about you?! Part of the plan was to do this quietly. : '''Calan:''' Stop right there, or we'll shoot! : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Here we go. Ok, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''White Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. : ''[Calan laughs]'' : '''Calan:''' Welcome back, sir. We've been waiting for you. : '''Rex:''' Que, huh? : '''Calan:''' Sorry for the scare, Rex. We couldn't guarantee the Black Knight wasn't taper our communications. It was best to keep radio silence. In any case-- Say hello to your man on the inside. He've got a bomb! All units, fall back, fall back! Captain Calan, do you copy? Report. : '''White Knight:''' Ready for a repeate performance? : '''Calan:''' Ready when you are, sir. Good luck, everyone. They're headed for the... petting zoo. : '''Holiday:''' Here it is. Just like he said. : '''White Knight:''' This is the Hive. The central nervous system of the entire complex. An electric field protects the inner chambers. We'll need the circuit bandage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I've got an idea, but you'll have to go in partially naked. We've got eyes everywhere. : '''Six:''' Good. Knight and I will handle the encryption towers. You know what to do with this. : '''Rex:''' No sweat. I'm on it. Just have to make one quick detour. Bro? You in here? Oh, no. No, no, no! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, is that you? What brings you here? : ''[Six groans]'' : '''Six:''' Partially naked. Tower one clear. Proceed to next phase. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Got it. Redirecting the data flow now. : '''Calan:''' Anyone hear for the monkey? : '''Rex:''' Huh?! : '''Bobo:''' Offical pet desk. Keep your distance. : '''Rex:''' Is that Dr. Rylander? : '''Caesar:''' It is. Well, almost. After you brought back Van Kleiss, I couldn't help but to wonder if perhaps I might do the same for him. Unfortunately, Van Kleiss was already great in tune the nanites. As you can see, Dr. Rylander-- wasn't. : '''Rex:''' Ok, whatever. Listen, I'm here on a secret mission. : '''Caesar:''' Secret? : '''Rex:''' White Knight said-- : '''Caesar:''' White Knight is alive? : '''Rex:''' If you can call him that. Anyway, he says... you might wanna sit down for this part? That Black Knight is restarting the nanite program. Don't you think that's messed up? : '''Caesar:''' On the contrary. I'm in charge of it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Commencing download in T-2 minutes. White Knight has infiltrated sector three. You're right. They are monitoring our movements. How did you know? : '''White Knight:''' It's what I would do. Now start evac protocols. : '''Black Knight:''' I've torn this facility apart looking for that? When I found it, I still couldn't get to it. Bio-feed security system-- Clever. You have to be nanite-free to open it. I guessed you weren't dead. I knew if I let enough info leak about what we're doing here, you've showed up, eventually. I'll take it. : '''White Knight:''' You can try. : '''Black Knight:''' What ever you say. You were the boss. : '''White Knight:''' That's not a providence toy. : '''Black Knight:''' A woman is entitled her secrets. Especially when those secrets keep me alive. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''White Knight:''' Ohh! What I could've done with you if I hired you first. : '''Black Knight:''' Don't fool yourself, White. : '''White Knight:''' Ohh, ohh, ohh! : '''Black Knight:''' You were bandage at best. the Consortium knew that you weren't the leader for the future. Stand down, old man! : '''White Knight:''' I've got a few secrets of my own, kid. After all, this was my office. Consortium or not, it will be again. : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Be advised, they're on to us. Making for the rendezvous. : '''Six:''' I'll take my swords back now. Please. : '''Rex:''' What are you doing, helping Black Knight? She's obviously the more psycho of the two knights. : '''Caesar:''' I'm not helping the Black Knight do anything. I'm trying to fix things. The day everything changed. We never imagined what would happen when we released the nanites. : '''Rex:''' Release them?! You caused the nanite event?! : '''Caesar:''' It was the only way we were going to save the world. : '''Rex:''' You unleashed the worst man-made disaster the world has ever seen!! You've ruined countless lives!! How can you say that you saved anything?! : '''Caesar:''' You weren't there... not in any way that mattered! If we hadn't-- : '''Rex:''' Hold that thought. Here, doggy, doggy. : '''Six:''' Excessive? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Sweet, actually. Now you're overdoing it. : '''White Knight:''' ''[panting]'' Are we finished here? ''[screams]'' Careful, Black. Your council wouldn't be too pleased if you destroyed the very thing you're after. : '''Black Knight:''' If doesn't have to be like this, White! The Consortium may have lost faith in you, but you know my methods are right. Come back. Under my protection, who knows? There may even be a promotion in it for you. : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' I am going to stop the Consortium. If you or Providence gets in my way, this tape goes public. : '''Black Knight:''' Wait! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, stop! You're destroying my work! : '''Rex:''' Your work is done! And so are we! I got it. Time to blow this-- : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. Face it, kiddo... today is not your day. : '''Rex:''' Actually, today's wednesday, and wednesday means fiesta night at the cafeteria. Getting in is going to be cake... very dangerous cake. Any bright ideas on how we're getting out? : '''Bobo:''' I got one word for you, kid-- Plumbing. : '''Rex:''' I got it. Time to blow this... : '''Bobo:''' Taco stand. : '''White Knight:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Me and Van Gogh, unappreciated in our time. : '''Rex:''' All of that-- Was for that?! I got nanites, billions of 'em. : '''White Knight:''' Not like this one, Rex. This is a Meta Nanite. One of several. Hardwired into its design is a program for the original Dominion Code. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Dominion Code? I thought that was a myth. : '''White Knight:''' I can assure you, doctor, it is very real. Each one gives its host control over different building blocks of the universe- matter, antimatter, elemental, space, time, reality. With the complete code, you can control them. And through them, you control ''everything''. In sort, it's the God Code. : '''Rex:''' The Consortium want to be...gods? : '''White Knight:''' If it wasn't for the original Nanite Event scattering the Metas across the globe, they may have already succeeded. The situation has changed, people. Black Knight has been searching the globe for the other Meta-Nanites. She needs them all to complete the Master Program. As long as we're keeping her secret, she'll hold off. But sooner or later, she'll be coming for this with the full power of Providence and the Consortium at her back. So... if you want to move on, forget what I've told you. : '''Rex:''' You're not getting rid of us that easily, old man. My parents died for this. Black Knight wants war, war she gets. ===Deadzone=== : '''Noah:''' You said it was gonna be fun. You said there'd be hot girls, great bands. : '''Rex:''' It was an honest mistake. They called it the world's largest british rock festival. : '''Noah:''' Yeah, because it was a convention for english geologists! : '''Rex:''' Okay, yes, maybe we did just drive two days for some boring science conference because I didn't actually read past the first paragraph of the website. But we did get some cool free Schwag. Look! : '''Noah:''' I've seen it. It's a pile of rocks! : '''Rex:''' No, look! : '''Feakins:''' Hey! What are you doing? Leave me alone! : '''Rex:''' Pull over. : '''Noah:''' You know that guy? : '''Rex:''' Nope. But I know an opportunity to tweak the Black Knight when I see one. : '''Noah:''' No way. I haven't showered in two days. You real haven't showered in two days. This car is not stopping until we get home. Real mature. : '''Rex:''' Just give me five minutes. I'll grab him before they even notice. Think of it this way. At least something fun will come out of this trip. Shh. : '''Feakins:''' I don't understand what you're saying, guy. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Providence Agent:''' Just take a stay back, Rex. You don't know what you're messing with here. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, well, you do know what you're messing with! This! Huh? : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! Who's messing with this? : '''Providence Agent:''' Anything you want to add to that smack talk? : ''[Rex chuckles nervously]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Providence Agent:''' Let's go. : '''Rex:''' I don't know what you did to my powers, but I'd keep the hands off the jacket, if I were you. Uh, on second thought, take the jacket. Thinking about a new one anyway. : '''Providence Agent:''' We're gonna bring him with us? He's harmless as long as we've got Feakins. : '''Rex:''' What's a Feakin? : '''Noah:''' Come on, Rex. You gonna stand there all night getting hugs from your old Providence buddies? : '''Rex:''' No, don't! Or, uh, you're gonna make Agent Six over there even more mad than he already is. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Providence Agent:''' Move! : '''Feakins:''' Aah! What are you doing, guy?! : '''Noah:''' So, what's-- : '''Rex:''' Drive! Drive! : '''Noah:''' Aah! Who is he?! What's going on? : '''Rex:''' Who are you? What's going on? : '''Feakins:''' Do either of you have a milkshake? : '''Providence Agent:''' Pull over! : '''Noah:''' You want to get them to stop that? What happened? : '''Rex:''' Let me guess. You're Feakins. : '''Feakins:''' Yeah, and I am very queasy back here! If we don't get me a milkshake, it's not gonna be my fault if my lunch ends up all over this very nice leather seat! : '''Rex:''' Somehow he's fritzing out my powers. It's like there's a deadzone around him. : '''Noah:''' You talking about nanites or his personality? : '''Providence Agent:''' No more warnings. Pull over! : '''Noah:''' Whoa! : ''[Noah gasps]'' : '''Feakins:''' We're not gonna make it! : '''Noah:''' Yes, we are! This is a '77! They don't make'em like this anymore! WHOO-HOO! Aah! : ''[Noah gasps]'' : '''Noah:''' That was a '77! They don't make'em anymore! My granddad's gonna kill me! : '''Rex:''' Looks like he'll have to wait in line. : ''[Feakins gasps]'' : '''Feakins:''' How great is this?! You guys were at the convention, too? : '''Rex:''' Come on! If we get out of here now, they'll spend the next couple hours looking for the car before they figure out where it went. : '''Feakins:''' So, what's your favorite geological area? I'm a proterozoic man. Of course, the hadean has its merits, too. : '''Noah:''' You couldn't take five minutes to read the whole website? <hr width80%> : '''Noah:''' Thank you! I can't tell you how glad we are you're open. I just want to get cleaned up and get some sleep. : '''Feakins:''' Hold on! Pardon me, but what kind of room service does this establishment offer? What if I want a milkshake? : '''Rex:''' And that kind of brings you up to date, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Well, that explains why you suddenly dropped of my tracking grid. The good news is, the deadzone Feakins creates means the Black Knight can't use your nanites to track you either. : '''Rex:''' Now that Feakins isn't right next to me, it's not as bad. I can still feel them. It's just that they feel all fuzzy. I bet if I put some distance between us, my powers would bounce right back. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You cannot let him out of your sight, Rex. Don't you see why Black Knight wants him? He's the ultimate insurance against any EVO. : '''Rex:''' Not just any. Me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've got to hang on to him. I'm on my way to you now. : '''Rex:''' Hey, don't worry about me. I-I may not have my powers, but I've got Noah. We can handle things until you get here. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Just stay put and don't draw attention to yourself. : '''Feakins:''' I know this is your motel! But judging by your office, you and me got a different idea of what "clean" means! Can you believe that guy! : '''Rex:''' Yeah, the last part might be a problem, doc. : '''Feakins:''' Oh. Okay if you guys take this bed? : '''Noah:''' Providence we can deal with. It's him I'm worried about. : '''Black Knight:''' Speak. : '''Black Pawn:''' We lost them. : '''Black Knight:''' I want every asset we have in the state mobilized. Do you understand? Find them! : '''Noah:''' No way! You picked out this disguise. You wear it. : '''Feakins:''' I didn't know it was made of acrylic! You want me to have a relapse of my eczema? 'Cause it won't be pretty! I get all flaky! : '''Rex:''' Guys, the whole point of the disguises is to not attract attention. : '''Noah:''' Fine! Why do I always have to be the mature one? : '''Rex:''' Come on. : '''Feakins:''' We've only got a couple hours to get to our new rendezvous with Holiday. : '''Rex:''' Aren't you going to demand a milkshake? : '''Feakins:''' Thanks, guy. : '''Noah:''' What?! All you've done is moan about milkshakes. Because we were in a car. I don't get airsick. : '''Feakins:''' So, why would I need a milkshake? But if there's a decent sushi bar nearby-- : ''[Noah groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Wait. : ''[Feakins sneezes]'' : '''Feakins:''' What? I said I was allergic to acrylic! : '''Rex:''' Hang on! : '''Feakins:''' Whoa. You gotta stop this thing. : '''Noah:''' You gotta be kidding me! : '''Feakins:''' It's not my fault I got a delicate stomach! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! This isn't even really a car! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Those two agents on the plane are gonna call in others. We gotta go! : '''Noah:''' How are we gonna get anywhere without a car? : '''Rex:''' We've got a chance we can get on a train. : '''Noah:''' It's pitch dark. We're never gonna find the tracks before that train passes! : ''[Feakins laughs]'' : '''Feakins:''' Yeah, very funny. Come on, guy, quit joking around. : '''Noah:''' What are you talking about? : '''Feakins:''' Well, given the shale and quartz in this soil, the train tracks have to be down that way. I mean, that's just obvious stuff to rock lovers like us, am I right? I don't believe it! An entire train car filled with ice cream... And there's no blender! : '''Noah:''' So close, and yet no milkshake. : '''Rex:''' Well, I'm starved. Let's eat. We're all gonna need our strength. Cherry-Berry Chunky Nut? : '''Feakins:''' I'm allergic to ice cream. : '''Rex:''' How can you love milkshakes and be allergic to ice cream? : '''Noah:''' Do you really want to hear him answer that? : '''Rex:''' Look, I'm sorry. I know it's been a crazy day for you. : '''Feakins:''' I woke up yesterday thinking I was just a regular accountant who loved rocks... Only to discover that I'm actually this super-important guy who everyone's after because I got some kind of amazing power! : '''Rex:''' Lucky you. Move! Move! We're close. We're going to make it to Holiday. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, I can't stay here. We'll have to meet somewhere else. : '''Rex:''' I see the perfect place. : '''Black Knight:''' Let's end this game, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Black Knight? : '''Feakins:''' I don't believe it. The Black Knight works at Bob's Biscuit Barn! : '''Black Knight:''' Now that we've found you, there's nowhere to hide. It should not have taken the most advanced satellite system in the world this long to pinpoint them. The excuses can wait. Right now, I want this wrapped up. : '''Noah:''' How did Black Knight know where we were? : '''Rex:''' I don't know. : '''Noah:''' Even if you make it to the Holiday, is Black Knight just gonna find us? : '''Rex:''' I don't know! : '''Feakins:''' When are we gonna get a milkshake?! : '''Rex:''' I don't know! : '''Feakins:''' I'm in a car. It's moving. I'm getting queasy back here. : '''Rex:''' Then get out of the car! : '''Feakins:''' Aah! : '''Black Pawn:''' Be advised-- Primary target Feakins is to be recovered alive if possible. : '''Rex:''' You know how I said we don't get through this, with or without my powers? Well, it looks like I was wrong. They're after Feakins. That means "Noah" has a shot at making a break for it and getting to Holiday. Do you understand what I'm saying? : '''Black Pawn:''' Let the breakaway go. And stay on the primary target. : '''Rex:''' Huh. I guess they're not afraid of me with you standing here. Which is... Awesome! : '''Black Pawn:''' Pull up! Pull up! : '''Rex:''' Mwah! Man, have I missed you! : '''Noah:''' Guess I don't need this anymore. : '''Rex:''' I can't believe that plan actually worked. : '''Noah:''' Feakins still has to make it to Holiday. : '''Feakins:''' Oh, I'm not feeling so good. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! : '''Black Pawn:''' The primary target is unconventional. Ground units, reroute to intercept. We will cover. : '''Rex:''' We're going after Feakins! Come on! : '''Pilot:''' Ground units are down. Moving to pursue a primary target. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Stay on Rex. If we don't engage him, he'll tear us apart. : '''Noah:''' Whoa! : '''Rex:''' Sit tight. : '''Noah:''' Uh, where would I go? : '''Rex:''' Mind if I borrow this? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Noah:''' Rex! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Providence Agent screams]'' : '''Rex:''' Ow! Hey, watch it! I'm still a little rusty here! These guys are tough. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! Hang on to me! : '''Noah:''' Aah! Whoa! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Where's Feakins? : '''Rex:''' Oh, come on! This guy is killing me! : '''Noah:''' Maybe he'll still coming. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't wait. Providence followed you here. What? : '''Rex:''' We got him! Let's go! : '''Noah:''' It's too late. : '''Black Knight:''' Where is my visual? : '''Black Pawn:''' They're just gone. : '''Rex:''' What just happened? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's a prototype stealth device built into the lab. That's why I had to get you in here. It was the only way to get you out of Black Knight's sight. : '''Noah:''' So, that's it? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' That's it. The good guys won. : '''Rex:''' Oh, hey, by the way, doc, you're a big geology buff, aren't you? So, did we hook you up with the perfect safe house or what? You'll never have to worry about driving without a milkshake again. : '''Feakins:''' Oh, it's great, guy. The only problem is the gas. : '''Rex:''' Well, I'm sure we can kick in a little gas money, too. : ''[Feakins farting]'' : '''Feakins:''' Yeah, that's not what I meant. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we can't stay. : '''Rex:''' You got that right! : '''Feakins:''' Wait. I just wanna say... Its not easy being thrown together with someone who can be a little, well... Difficult. : '''Rex:''' Hey... You're not so bad. : '''Feakins:''' Me?! I was talking about you! : ''[Black Knight sighs]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Since the search for Feakins is going nowhere, we have no choice but to become much more aggressive... With Rex. ===Assault on Abysus=== : '''Diane Farrah:''' Through research and hard work, Providence has turned the curse of the EVO into a blessing. One that will serve mankind. Science and compassion have created a new future for all EVOs. A future filled with happiness and hope. : '''Black Pawn:''' You? Seen some EVOs pass through here? <hr width80%> *Rex and Circe finally admit their true feelings for one another. Unfortunately, there was not enough episodes to explore their romance further. <hr width80%> : ''[Somewhere in [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong, China]]'']'' : '''Circe:''' Okay. They're gone. : '''Skywwd:''' For now. Get out of here, Circe. Run! : '''Circe:''' I'm not leaving you guys. : '''Skywwd:''' You can pass as human. Go-- Before Providence gets you too. : '''Black Pawn:''' The girl! She's with them! : '''Skwwyd:''' Run! : '''Rex:''' Hmm? What's up? : '''Circe:''' You're the only person I could turn to. : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' I don't know. That's the hardest part. : '''Rex:''' You did what you had to do. : '''Circe:''' I left them there, Rex. Our friends. Providence has to be stopped. Someone needs to do something. : '''Rex:''' ''[puts his arms around Circe to comfort her]'' We are. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Am I disturbing you two? : '''Rex:''' No. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight wants to talk with you. : '''Rex:''' Ugh. What's he gonna yell at me for this time? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No, I meant Circe. He wants to talk to her. : '''Circe:''' Providence has been hunting these down, too? : '''White Knight:''' You didn't tell her about them, Rex? : '''Rex:''' I thought the Master Control Nanites were supposed to be top secret. : '''White Knight:''' She has to know if she's going to lead the mission. : '''Rex:''' Her? That was supposed to be my mission. : '''White Knight:''' It's no one's mission. It's about getting the job done. : '''Circe:''' Why me? : '''White Knight:''' Intelligence indicates that Providence has targeted a Master Control Nanite in Abysus. In Van Kleiss' old castle, to be more precise. You're the only one with the knowledge to get us in there. : '''Rex:''' I've been there before. How hard could it be? Circe, you don't have to. : '''Circe:''' If it helps stop Black Knight in Providence, I'm in. : '''Rex:''' Okay, Doc. We made it. The new power suit gave me more range, just like you said. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Circe:''' Thanks, Banak. We're trying to keep a low profile. Don't tell anyone, okay? : '''Rex:''' Good thing you knew the secret whistle or we might have been rooting around forever. : ''[Rex chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Get it? "Root"? Uh... This can't be easy coming back here. I owe you. : '''Circe:''' Forget it. We're even. I used you in the past, now you and your friends are using me. : '''Rex:''' Is there some sort of problem between you and me? : '''Circe:''' There's nothing between you and me. Just the mission. I don't have good memories of this place. Let's just leave it at that, okay? : '''Rex:''' Fine. I'm surprised we haven't run into-- Ugh! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Traitor! Stop her! : '''Circe:''' Aah! : '''Rex:''' Can you chill?! There's no time for this. Who's leading you now that Van Kleiss is gone? I need to speak to your leader. Figures. Biowolf, we have a problem. And... I need your help. : '''Biowulf:''' I will listen. : '''Rex:''' Great, because-- : '''Biowulf:''' Only after you. earn the right-- Through combat. : ''[Biowulf growls]'' : ''[Rex spits]'' : '''Rex:''' At least Van Kleiss was civilized. Buckle up, dog boy. : '''Biowulf:''' You may speak. This nanite you want-- It's not here. None of us have seen it up in the castle or the blast source. : '''Rex:''' I didn't say up. It's down. White Knight thinks it's under the castle. Some other secure lab area. : '''Biowulf:''' The primary chamber? : '''Circe:''' It's under the castle? Van Kleiss always said it was forbidden for us to go there. : '''Rex:''' You think he remembered to tell Black Knight that? Let me take it out of here. : '''Biowulf:''' No! You're a traitor to your own kind. A lapdog to these humans. I've heard enough! : '''Rex:''' All of us will fall-- All EVOs-- If she gets it. Black Knight is worse than you know. If I don't get the nanite out of here, Providence will take it. : '''Biowulf:''' Providence! This is Abysus, the heart of the EVO world. Providence wouldn't dare. : '''Circe:''' The sentries have spotted something. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I wonder who. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Black Knight, the assault forces are in place. : '''Black Knight:''' The field is yours. We've secured the borders. No chance White Knight and his team will get in the country to interfere. : '''Biowulf:''' The castle is surrounded. : '''Rex:''' Standard operating procedure for Providence is to secure the perimeter, then close for attack. Black Knight will have snuck forces around back. : '''Skalamander:''' How should we counter? : '''Rex:''' Easy. : '''Biowulf:''' You take your nanite. I'll decide how to deal with the invaders. : '''Black Pawn:''' Deploy the collars. Rise. Forward. Attack. : '''Rex:''' The nanite event blew away half the castle. This must have been deep enough to survive it. Huh? You hear that? : '''Circe:''' No. Hear what? : '''Rex:''' Uh... Nothing. This place would make a great rec room. Maybe a karaoke machine over there-- : '''Circe:''' Van Kleiss would send volunteers down here to try and get in. None of them ever came back. : '''Rex:''' Well... That's encouraging. : '''Circe:''' What is it? : '''Rex:''' They're... I-I think they're nanites. They're following our lights. They can't see in the dark. I have a plan. Lead them back. : '''Circe:''' ''[concerned]'' Rex? : '''Rex:''' When I say "roll," roll. : '''Circe:''' What?! : '''Rex:''' Roll! Circe, sing! : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic blasts on the EVOs and beams at Rex.]'' : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' We always made a good team. : '''Circe:''' It won't hold them long. : '''Rex:''' You think this is why Van Kleiss always wanted me-- So I could get him in here? : '''Biowulf:''' Providence has breached the castle. We can't hold our position much longer. : '''Rex:''' Go. I'll get the Master-Control Nanite. ''[Notices how worried Circe is about him probably not returning]'' This isn't Hong Kong. I'll be okay. I'll meet up with you soon. : '''Biowulf:''' They've turned our own people against us. : '''Circe:''' Let me see what I can do. : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic bursts on several collared EVOs]''. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : ''[Circe gasping]'' : '''Circe:''' So many. : '''Biowulf:''' You can't stop the ones they've collared. : '''Circe:''' I can go down trying. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Her sonics are disrupting the offensive. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Hyah! Unh! : '''Biowulf:''' If we can't defeat them, we'll take down as many as we can fighting. : '''Circe:''' This isn't one battle. It's a war. And we can't let it end here before Rex has the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Biowulf:''' What, then? : '''Circe:''' Tactical retreat. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh. Dad. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Outer rooms of the castle secured. : '''Black Pawn:''' I don't need you here, Black Knight. It's only a matter of time. We will take the castle piece by piece. : ''[Skalamander growling]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' You are ours now. Down. : ''[Skalamander grunting]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Rex is here. He will make you bow to us! : '''Black Knight:''' This is all a diversion. Find Rex before he gets the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Black Pawn:''' Yes, Ma'am. : '''Black Knight:''' Either you do it or I will. I'm on my way. : '''Rex:''' This place... Rylander had the same type of lab. : '''Soldier:''' Security system engaged. : '''Rex:''' No! : '''Soldier:''' Intruder. Provide authorized identity or be terminated. Identify. Identify. Identify. Identify. : '''Rex:''' Aah! I'm Rex! Rex Salazar! : '''Soldier:''' Salazar genetype-- Accepted. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' There you are, you little troublemaker. You're coming home with the good guys. Uhh. Weird. Uh... I don't suppose you're looking for the karaoke machine? Running into you-- What a coincidence. Come down here a lot? Whoa! Missed me. : '''Black Pawn:''' I have the nanite. Keep the boy busy while I get it to Black Knight. : '''Rex:''' No! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' You two sure know how to make an entrance. : '''Circe:''' The others are getting hammered by Provindence. They're barely holding them off in the dungeon. : '''Rex:''' Gee! Van Kleiss has a dungeon. What a surprise. : '''Biowulf:''' This is no joke. They might die because I came down here to save you. : '''Rex:''' I won't let them get taken. I promise you that. But I need you to let me call the shots. : ''[Biowulf sighs]'' : '''Biowulf:''' Very well. : '''Rex:''' Circ, dungeon left or right? : '''Circe:''' Left. The dungeon's the other way. : '''Rex:''' I'm not looking for the dungeon. I'm looking for the scouts. : '''Black Pawn:''' Nothing. : '''Rex:''' Well, maybe a little something. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' Scouts. Classic Providence tactics-- So they don't get ambushed. Uhh. What is this place? : '''Biowulf:''' The old reservoir. It goes to the river. : '''Rex:''' Perfect. ''[deep voice]'' Scout to command. West wing, reservoir-- We've found a back way onto what must be the main EVO force. It's five times the size of what you're fighting. : '''Black Pawn:''' Roger, scout. All forces, withdraw from dungeon siege. Report to west wing, reservoir. Ambush maneuver lambda. : '''Rex:''' ''[normal voice]'' Get your troops. It's bath time. : '''Biowulf:''' Now you bow to Rex! : '''Rex:''' The Providence goons are contained, Biowulf. They shouldn't be any more trouble. And I got the Master-Control Nanite. Looks like mission accomplished. : '''Circe:''' Rex, I-- : ''[She and Rex cling to each other as the castle begins shaking.]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Rex, order your friends to surrender. You're all under Providence custody. I always knew it might be impossible to capture the Master-Control Nanite in the heart of the nanite infestation. So the solution was to remove it. : '''Circe:''' It's Hong Kong all over again. : '''Rex:''' No. We can fight. We'll double back and-- A-and then-- : '''Biowulf:''' Go! Get the nanite out of here! : '''Rex:''' No! I promised you! : '''Biowulf:''' You were right. That nanite is more important than anyone here. Including myself. I am the leader. I give the orders. Run! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex:''' They were counting on me. I don't want to leave them. : '''Circe:''' I did what I had to do. You do what you have to. I want you to know, all this was never about me just using you. : ''[Circe gasps]'' : ''[Finally admits her true romantic feelings for Rex in the form of a passionate kiss. She then pushes a shocked Rex off the ledge, so he could escape; and her getting collared and captured in his stead. She smiled with tears in her eyes, with the promise that she would be okay.]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[burdened by Circe admitting her intense love for him and sacrifice]'' We all make sacrifices for the things we care about-- The people we love. But when the stakes are this high, who can we trust? What would that power do to anyone who had it? They attacked Abysus. What's stopping them from attacking us for these nanites? : '''White Knight:''' They will-- Sooner or later. That's why I want to turn the tables on them first. : '''Rex:''' You know how to do that so we survive in one piece? : '''White Knight:''' Not yet. ===Remote Control=== : '''Bobo:''' Providence goons are thick as fleas tonight, and I know fleas. : '''Rex:''' We're gonna be late if we have to keep sneaking around. : '''Bobo:''' After you. : '''Skwydd:''' Rex must have bailed on us-- Again. : '''Cricket:''' He would never do that, Skwydd. And besides, he dad to fly all the way to Honk Kong on his own. Give him some time. : '''Tuck:''' He's here! Everything okay, Rex? : ''[Skwydd hissing]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Cricket, Tuck, this way! : ''[Skwydd grunts]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Ow. Yeah, I think I'll stick to ink. : '''Cricket:''' We need to find Rex. : '''Skwydd:''' He was supposed to find us. : '''Tuck:''' How are we gonna-- : '''Quarry:''' Wrong. They'll be coming with me. Anybody got a problem with that? : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : ''[Quarry grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? : '''Bobo:''' Oh, yeah, they were here. This came out of Skwydd. Mm. : '''Rex:''' Ew! If those Providence goons hurt them, I'm gonna-- : '''Bobo:''' What do you say you use a little of that aggression and get some answers, champ? : '''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends? Quarry? : '''Cricket:''' If you think we're going to thank you for getting us out of there, Quarry. : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : '''Quarry:''' I think you're going to do exactly as I say. : ''[Activates the mind-control collar on her neck]'' : '''Cricket:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Occupied Hong Kong-- What a dump! Where to, chief? : '''Rex:''' I have no idea. How did he get away from Van Kleiss? How is he even alive? : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's cool. We're not going to hurt you. What's Providence turned into? This whole city is living in fear. : '''Bobo:''' Well, we ain't gonna find my answers in this alley. I got a guide book. Ooh! A coupon for all-you-can-eat dim sum. What? A chimp's gotta eat. : '''Rex:''' Okay, let's go. But keep moving. Maybe we'll turn up a clue. : '''Bobo:''' Aw, this just breaks my heart. All that grub and no one to eat it. : '''Monster EVO:''' Can you help a fellow EVO who's down on his luck? : '''Rex:''' I can do better than that. Let me take care of this for you. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Ow! : '''Bobo:''' I wanna order some chow to go. Give me some of those chicken feet, and give me the beaks, too. : '''Rex:''' I thought that collar was supposed to make you mellow! What? Now you know Kung Fu? I don't have time for this. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, buddy. It looked like you could use some-- Hey, where'd the charity case go? : '''Rex:''' He had to leave suddenly. All yours. I need some time to think. : '''Bobo:''' More for me! Go off and think your brains out, pal. You know where to find me. Ah, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship, my beak-dealing chum. And speaking of chum-- : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''Bobo:''' Do I detect the delightful aroma of fish heads? : '''Gamer boy:''' Hey, kid! You like video games? Want a cool job? : '''Rex:''' I already have a cool job. : '''Gamer boy:''' This is the coolest job you'll ever have. Mr. Quarry, pays top dollar for good players and I can set you up. : '''Rex:''' Quarry? Tell me more. : '''Huckster:''' ''[Cockney accent]'' Okay, kids. Looks like we're all here, right? Let me show you around. : '''Quarry:''' What do you matter, the big fish? Time to reel him in. : '''Huckster:''' This is all state-of-the-art stuff-- Exciting, new tech. You get to play as an EVO and go on a Crown Street. How cool is that? : '''Rex:''' Hey! That looks like the EVO that jumped me. : '''Huckster:''' We model our characters from actual EVOs. This is as close to reality as you can get. : '''Rex:''' Hey! You guys! Oh, am I glad to see you! I-- Take that back. You've been collared! Let me help you! : ''[Skwydd hissing]'' : '''Rex:''' Cricket, it's me-- Rex! You used to have a crush on me! : '''Cricket:''' Ugh! : ''[Cricket sighs]'' : '''Cricket:''' Rex, I'm so sorry. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't control it. : '''Rex:''' I'm okay, Cricket. You've been working on that jab, though, haven't you? : '''Cricket:''' They're getting away. : '''Rex:''' Let them go. They'll lead us straight to Quarry. : '''Cricket:''' "Used to have a crush"? : '''Rex:''' Infrared. Nice move. Providence Convoy. Great. : '''Cricket:''' Whoa! Aah! Ugh! Aah! : '''Rex:''' Come on, Cricket. We do this all the time. Uh, hair. Please. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, give me some more of these deep-fried shrimp heads and a bunch of those fresh spring rolls. Hey, give me the stale spring rolls while you're at it. : '''Female vendor:''' No more food! You have to go! : '''Cricket:''' I recognize this place. It's where Quarry took us after we were collared. It's probably a setup. : '''Rex:''' It's definitely a setup. You ready to go in? : '''Cricket:''' You know how collared EVOs follow kind of like a robot. with these collars, it's worse. It's like you're a remote-controlled robot. : '''Rex:''' That is a nasty hack. : '''Cricket:''' It's bad enough working for Quarry. When you have free will but this-- : '''Rex:''' Skwydd! Tuck! I don't wanna hurt you. : '''Quarry:''' Glad to hear that, Rex. Your friends are very valuable to me as are you. : '''Rex:''' Like the new look- strapping. : '''Quarry:''' Let's just say I had to find a way to "keep it together" after my visit to Abyus. Just one more thing you owe me for and you know how much I like a balanced book. : '''Cricket:''' Rex! No! : '''Quarry:''' You'll be the crown jewel of my EVO army, Rex. I may just make you my own personal slave. That collar suits you, Rex. Wish I'd had one for you back in the old days-- Would've saved me a lot of trouble. : '''Cricket:''' Rex! : '''Quarry:''' Oh, right. Cricket. Rex, be a good little helper and hold her down, would you? : ''[Cricket gasps]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Quarry:''' Rex? Rex! I command you to stop! : '''Rex:''' I quit listening to you a long time ago. : '''Skwydd:''' Rex, I'm sorry. : '''Rex:''' Never mind, Skwydd. Help me with Tuck. Aah! Oh, man! These nanites are smarter than usual. : '''Cricket:''' Hurry, Rex! : '''Rex:''' Whew! Don't think I'll be doing that again soon. : '''Tuck:''' Thanks, man. Those all kinds of weird. : '''Quarry:''' I've decided that you brats are not that valuable to me. Kill them all! : '''Rex:''' We'll see. : '''Tuck:''' Spinning donkey? Since when do street EVOs know Kung Fu? : '''Rex:''' I know, right? How are you doing this? How are you controlling these guys. : '''Quarry:''' I'm not would take an army of operators to control this many EVOs. I merely provide the funding and equipment. The streets provide the manpower-- Or should I say-- : ''[Quarry chuckles]'' : '''Quarry:''' Bratpower? And I paid top dollar for good players. At least by their sad standards. : '''Rex:''' The arcade. All those kids! : '''Quarry:''' Those brats were born to play games, which is what they think they're doing. And I thank your people for the tech. That brother of yours is quite the wiz, kid. : '''Rex:''' Caesar would never! : '''Cricket:''' Forget about Caesar, Rex. You know what you've got to do. : '''Rex:''' These guys will shred you if I leave! : '''Tuck:''' We got this, Rex. Go! : '''Quarry:''' Once I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pop your head like a grape! : '''Bobo:''' Oh, I am one stuffed monkey. Ooh, this might just be the year I floss. Hey! I know that noise. That's Rex. I'm coming, champ! : ''[Bobo groans]'' : '''Bobo:''' Ooh, I better take it easy, or I'm gonna deliver a street pizza. : ''[Bobo groans]'' : '''Female vendor:''' Next time, you're on the menu! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Unh! : '''Quarry:''' You were a good earner once, Rex. But lately, you've been costing me too much. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! : '''Quarry:''' Now... you... pay! : '''Cricket:''' No tongues! : ''[Rex groaning]'' : '''Rex:''' Hyah! : ''[Quarry laughs evilly]'' : '''Quarry:''' Consider the fact that you made me like this while I'm crushing you. : ''[Quarry grunting]'' : '''Quarry:''' What? : ''[Quarry straining]'' : '''Quarry:''' No! Unh! No! AAAAAH! : '''Rex:''' Bad move, Quarry. Now, where's the "off" switch? Bingo. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' Okay. : '''Tuck:''' Uh, what just happened? : '''Cricket:''' Rex happened. : '''Gamer boy:''' No way. We were actually fighting real people? I'm outta here. : '''Tuck:''' Nice move, Rex. I guess Quarry eats it again. : '''Cricket:''' Where is Quarry, Rex? : '''Rex:''' He bit off more than he could chew. Speaking of which, I'm starved. Who wants to grab a bite? : '''Bobo:''' Ohh. Hey, Rex, when are we gonna see some action? : '''Rex:''' I, uh, kind of took the initiative while you were chilling out. Wanna get some dim sum? : ''[Bobo gags]'' : '''Bobo:''' Uh, no, thanks. I've had all I can eat. : ''[Bobo gags]'' : '''Rex:''' Can we use your coupon? : ''[Bobo gags]'' : '''Skwydd:''' You seriously thought you were gonna blow us off? : '''Tuck:''' Not "we." "You." : '''Rex:''' I came as soon as I could-- Honest. : '''Cricket:''' You mean you didn't make a detour to Tokyo to buy anime? : '''Rex:''' Okay, almost as soon. But it all turned out fine. And the most important thing is, we put a stop to that tech before there was enough of it to start a real army. : '''Tuck:''' You can say that again. : '''Skwydd:''' ''[Chuckling]'' Yeah. : '''Rex:''' Now, hurry up and eat this before my chimp finds us. Mmm! : '''Build worker:''' Okay, guys. That's the last of them. Provindence needs these machines on the next cargo ship. Let's move! ===A Brief History of Time=== : '''Van Kleiss:''' 4.000 years from my destination, and I've run out of of time. I've scarcely completed the vessel which shall deliver me to my own era. Gharun-Set, activate the traps-- Quickly! My greatest creation-- So useful to me, but too dangerous to roam free. If only I had time to destroy him, as I should. But I have a more pressing death I must prevent. My own. AAAAAAAAAAAH! : '''Rex:''' Kind of defeating the whole stealth element of a stealth suit, Bobo. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, now was I supposed to know that ghanoush went bad? : '''Rex:''' Maybe because you found it in a garbage can. : '''Bobo:''' On top of a garbage can. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to Rex. Are you at the site? : '''Rex:''' There is not site, remember? Black Knight blew the pace to kingdom come. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Yet it's still guarded. And thanks to the data you stole from Providence, we know why. : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss back in time? I still find it hard to believe. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You were sent six months into the future, Rex. It stands to reason that the reverse is possible. : '''Rex:''' Well, if you expect to find him here, maybe we should check the mummy museum. We're sensing nanites-- Definitely V.K.'s. They've been dead a long time. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over 4,000 years. I'm also detecting tachyons-- Quantum particles that travel in time. I think it's clear what he was making. : '''Bobo:''' A latrine? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' A time machine. : '''Rex:''' No way he pulled it off! If mister ego made it back to here and now, we'd know about it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Some of these nanites are considerably younger. That means he was there in two different time periods. : '''Rex:''' Time travel gives me a headache. Just tell me-- Where is he now? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The more accurate question is, when is he? : '''Van Kleiss:''' AAAAAAH! : ''[Van Kleiss gasping]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! The ordeal is... draining. But now, back in my own time, I can replenish my nanite reserves and-- : '''Gladiator #1:''' Quis es tu? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I recognize the language, of course-- Classical latin. Qui-- Q-Qui annus est? : '''Gladiator #1:''' What year is it? You dare question a captain of the imperial guard? Aegyptus is a roman Providence! Answer! Who are you? : '''Gladiator #2:''' Don't bother-- He's clearly sun-mad. : '''Van Kleiss:''' The dialect, the dress-- This is the second century A.D. A mere 2,000 years has passed. I'm only halfway home! : '''Gladiator #1:''' Another escaped slave. Finish him and be done with it. : ''[Gladiator #2 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It was all the fight I could muster. I had no way to replace the nanites I'd spent in the journey, and my gauntlet had yet to recharge those that remained. : '''Gladiator #2:''' This one shows spirit. He'll bring a good price in the arena. : '''Van Kleiss:''' OOMPH! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #2:''' Save your strength. : '''Gladiator #3:''' Where you're going, you'll need it. : ''[Van Kleiss slurps]'' : ''[Van Kleiss gulps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I intend to. Of the mysterious force, there is no sign. Yet I sense it is close-- Pursuing me even across the centuries. I am convinced it is a manifestation of time itself. My presence is a violation of physics-- An imbalance which the time stream seeks to correct... By wiping me from existence. But of this, I am certain-- If I do not return to my own time, it will surely destroy me. : '''Gladiator #1:''' You are fortunate, slave. To die in the arena is a great honor. : '''Van Kleiss:''' An honor I look forward to bestowing. : ''[Gladiator #1 laughs]'' : '''Gladiator #1:''' You see? Spirit! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' Put on a good show, little man, and I promise to make your end a painless one. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Indeed? : ''[Gladiator #3 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I, on the other hand, make no such promise. : ''[Gladiator #3 grunting]'' : ''[Van Kleiss grunting]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Gladiator #3 groans]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' One against so many? Hardly seems fair. For them. : '''Gladiator #4:''' ARRRGHHHH! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ordinarily, I'd say "take me to your leader," but I believe he's already here. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great warrior... Never have I seen such a battle. I am... : '''Van Kleiss:''' Septimius Severus, 21st emperor of Rome, founder of the severan dynasty. And, as I recall, you poisoned your own commanding officer to get his position... And wear only boots to conceal a prodigious clubfoot. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Are you a man... Or a God? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I find both labels rather limiting. Now, then, you are going to give me whatever I require, starting with a quiet place to work. I, in return, shall ensure the growth and security of your reign as emperor. You may call me Van Kleiss. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Whatever your desire, great Vanklios. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, it's... Got a rather nice ring. : '''Rex:''' What's with this guy? Gets a portrait done in every time period? : '''Bobo:''' Mm. ''[muffled]'' Truly a nutjob for the ages. Mm. Speaking of nuts... Want some? : '''Rex:''' You've been dumpster-diving again? : '''Bobo:''' I prefer "foraging." : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Nice sleuthing there, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Nanites decay at a measurable half-life. I set our sat-net to do a global scan for the same frequency-- Ergo, Rome. : '''Rex:''' Great. You scan for the next stop, we'll grab a pizza. : '''Bobo:''' Pass. I'm experiencing inexpicable gastric distress. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it would take months to scan the entire spectrum. You need to find the next decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Kind of like nanite connect-the-dots! Can I do it with someone else? : '''Bobo:''' Hey, quiet, you! Rah! : '''Rex:''' This goose chase just got a little wilder. My brother's here. : '''Caesar:''' Caesar to Black. We've detected paleo-nanites. Tachyon readings negative. We're moving to the next hot stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons-- They want Van Kleiss' time machine. Follow them. : '''Rex:''' Come on. : '''Bobo:''' Can you give me a teeny sec? I gotta find the little gladiators' room. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Advances in the last two millenia have allowed me to complete my lab in weeks instead of months. Restrict the flow! Do you want to overload the power cells? Meanwhile, my own nanite supply continues to dwindle. : ''[Septimius Severus panting]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great Vanklios, protect me! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I've divulged metallurgy and tactics beyond your day. No man may threaten your rule. : '''Septimius Severus:''' This is no man-- But an apparition! : ''[Septimius Severus grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' What apparition? Speak, parasite! : '''Septimius Severus:''' A spirit of doom! Numerous sightings-- The insulare, the rostra, the forum. Listen! It comes! It comes! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Fool. It only wants me. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Ugh! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I release you. Go start a few legends. : '''Septimius Severus:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOO! : ''[Septimius Severus gasps]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Be gone! I beg of you! Aah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, those stress lines-- It's the same pattern we saw in Egypt. : '''Black Knight:''' Report. : '''Caesar:''' These aqueducts are truly marvels of roman engineering. : '''Black Knight:''' Have you picked up the next decay frequency? : '''Caesar:''' Oh-- That. Yes. Uplinking to our global net. Odd. These tachyons seems unrelated to-- : '''Black Knight:''' We have the next target. Scandinavia. Move out. White Knight may have people on the trail. I expect you to do whatever it takes to procure the objective. : '''Rex:''' Shh! : '''Caesar:''' I've initiated the same steps as in Egypt! Come along. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we need that decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Just one small problem, doc. This place... is toast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex? Bobo? Respond! : '''Rex:''' We're okay, doc. Not a mark on us. : '''Bobo:''' Same can't be said for my stealth suit. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex and Bobo gasps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' So many lives... It's become a blur. I don't know who I am anymore. Only that I must sail onward, ever onwoard down the river of time. Never resting, always moving. Further draining my nanite reserves beyond my ability to replenish. And each re-emergence, I am pursued by the nameless force. I now know it's personal. I am a virus-- An infection of space-time. Call it what you like. This is time's antibody. Whether I can borne home or drowned in its currents, this is my final journey. : '''Rex:''' Hurry! I'm not sure if we here followed. : '''Bobo:''' I'm sure. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Don't shoot! It's me. : '''Rex:''' Holiday? Shouldn't you be at the plant, connecting the dots? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No more dots to connect. The trail ends here. And... I'm reading a humanoid form inside. : '''Rex:''' I'm confused. Is it a time machine or isn't it? : '''Caesar:''' It's not a time machine. Are those really necessary? : '''Rex:''' No way you're getting this time machine, bro! : '''Caesar:''' I don't want it. And it's not a time machine. : '''Bobo:''' Well, then, what is it? A meat locker for cold cuts? : '''Caesar:''' Surprisingly close. We use this technique to transfer unstable nanites. It puts them into a state of dormancy. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Of course. It's a hibernation chamber. : '''Caesar:''' Only his nanites were dormant. There would still be neuron flow. : '''Rex:''' Mind telling me what that means, exactly? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He was... Aware. The whole time, for hundreds of years. : '''Caesar:''' He would have felt every minute pass. : '''Rex:''' No way! He's totally a mummy! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Run! It's coming! It's coming?! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Rex:''' Easy, easy, Van Kleiss. You're back-- Back in your own time. : '''Van Kleiss:''' No! No, it'll find me! It always does! You must protect me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyon readings off the chart! Rex, you can't affect that thing. I don't know what can. : '''Caesar:''' It's a field of pure tachyons. I've got to get a sample. : '''Rex:''' Oh, no, you don't! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I'm back! Back in my own time! You shall not have me?! OHHHH! : '''Bobo:''' Settle down, Van Winkle. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, no. It couldn't be. I need some way to contain it! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons can't be contained! : '''Caesar:''' Yes, they can. Rex! : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it's too risky! : '''Rex:''' But I know what this is. Correction-- I know who this is. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! : ''[Rex groaning]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's... Breach. : '''Rex:''' Breach. Breach! It's me-- Rex. : '''Breach:''' Rex? Are you real... Or a dream? : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Yeah, yeah, I'm-- I'm real. : '''Breach:''' I was everywhere-- Everywhen. But I was nothing-- An emptiness, needing to be filled. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The amp pack. Van Kleiss controlled it. When his nanites were active, Breach was drawn into his timeframe. : ''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' The final joining would have destroyed them both. : '''Breach:''' Guess I should say thanks. : '''Rex:''' Hey, what are friends for? Um, we are still friends... Right? : '''Caesar:''' You did well, little bro. : '''Rex:''' And you have your time machine that... isn't a time machine. Everybody goes home happy. : '''Caesar:''' That? A curiosity-- True. But it was never our goal. : ''[Van Kleiss shivering]'' : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss?! All this for him? what, they're gonna put him in jail? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's Providence, Rex. That's their jurisdiction. : '''Caesar:''' No need to worry, little brother. He's going to be well supervised. : '''Rex:''' Caesar, what is going on!? : '''Caesar:''' Justice. : '''Bobo:''' Two words-- Crème Brûlée. Ooh. Right after I make a french connection. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Welcome back, Van Kleiss. You look terrible. Ordinarily, I'd say get some rest, but you've had enough of that, I suppose. : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Pull it together. We have work to do. Do you know who I am? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I know who you are. It's been a long time. A very, very long time. ===Mind Games=== : '''Rex''': Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure of that. : '''Six''': I told you not to get involved, Rex. You're not at full strength. : '''Rex''': What was I supposed to do-- Just leave it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six has a point, Rex. You're pushed to the edge lately. You can't see everyone. : '''Rex''': Not listening! Don't worry, dude. I'll have you out of here before you can say-- Circe?! : '''Circe''': Hey, Rex. Rex! Aaaah! : ''[Circe sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex! Rex, do you read? What's going on? Your bios are low. : '''Rex''': Leave her alone! You okay? : '''Circe''': I think so. We have to go. : '''Rex''': Think that's your cue. Hang on. I think I got it. Ow! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Hate this things. : '''Circe''': Try wearing one. : '''Rex''': I have. So, what happened? I thought Providence had you at Abysus. : '''Circe''': I got away. : '''Rex''': What about the Pack? : '''Circe''': The Pack? I-- Don't know. Things are bad out there, Rex. I've been on the run for weeks. Providence has been stepping up their capture orders. I think something big is going down. : '''Rex''': Tell me about it. Listen, I know we're gonna want to say no, but with everything that's going on... : '''Circe''': I should stay at the plant. It's safer, right? : '''Rex''': Wow, that was-- Easy. I had a whole speech and everything. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Well, everything checks out. You're the picture of health. I wish you'd let me do some more thorough scans, through. : '''Six''': How was it you said you got away? : '''Circe''': It's a long story. You guys have bigger things to worry about than me... like the Meta-Nanites. Did you get the one from Abysus? Have you found anymore? : '''Rex''': Ugh, who cares? Let's go do something fun. You want to put Bobo' hand in shaving cream? : ''[Circe yawns]'' : '''Circe''': Actually, Rex, I'm kind of tired. I thing I might just crash if that's cool. : '''Rex''': Oh... yeah. Stupid of me. You, uh, get some sleep. Hey, doc. What are you doing? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. I was just... working. What are you doing up? : '''Rex''': Ah, it's... stupid. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Yeah, probably. But... go ahead. : '''Rex''': I'm... excited. Since I got breached, everything's been so crazy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Since you got breached? Right. : '''Rex''': But with Circe back, I'm starting to think maybe things will turn out okay. : '''White Knight''': I need everyone in the situation room in five minutes. : '''Rex''': So much for that. : ''[Dr. Holiday yawns]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': What'd I miss? : '''Rex''': Wow, Doc. You sure got comfy quick. : '''White Knight''': Listen up, people. We need to retrieve a valuable asset before it falls into enemy hands. : '''Six''': What's the objective? : '''White Knight''': This man... Dr. Peter Meechum. : '''Rex''': That guy? I remember him. Van crazy kiddnaped his daughter. : '''White Knight''': Meechum spent the last year at a safehouse facility... Codename: Pandora's Box... location know only to me. : '''Rex''': Why all the cloak and dagger? : '''White Knight''': Because Meechum was one of the original scientists on the Nanite Project. He was given a panic button in case of emergency. Thirty minutes ago-- He activated it. : '''Six''': Providence? : '''White Knight''': We have to assume they're trying to assemble the original members of the Nanite Project. What Meechum knows is too valuable to fall into the wrong hands, so go get him. : '''Six''': Maybe Circe should stay here. : '''Rex''': What? Why? : '''Six''': She's not on the team yet-- Not officialy. : '''White Knight''': Take her. She'll be useful in the field. : '''Rex''': Ahem. You guys forget you key? Did you check under the mat? : '''Six''': Rex, focus on the mission. Get to Meechum! : '''Rex''': Relax, Six. I could take these guys in my sleep, especially with help from... Huh? Circe? Uh... Time-out? : '''Six''': Peter Meechum, you need to come with us. : ''[Dr. Meechum scoffs]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': Took you long enough. : '''Rex''': Time in. : '''White Knight''': Still no sign of Circe, Rex. We'll keep looking, but for right now, Meechum is our top priority. : '''Dr. Holiday''': We'll find her, Rex. Don't worry. : '''White Knight''': In the meantime, Dr. Meechum, I've checked, and your daughter is safe at her boarding school in England. : '''Dr. Meechum''': My daughter. Right. : '''White Knight''': We can make immediate arrangements to take you to her. : '''Dr. Meechum''': No, I'd rather stay with you if that's all right. It's, uh-- It's safer. : '''White Knight''': Of course. White Knight out. : '''Rex''': So, after that, Providence attacked Abysus to get the Master-Control Nanite. Guess you were next on their list. : '''Dr. Meechum''': I see. And all this happened in the last year? : '''Six''': You've missed a lot since you've been away, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Horrible. I could never work for a Providence like that. I have to say it's all very impressive. Providence has certainly done a lot in the last year. : '''Caesar''': And with your help, doctor, we can do more. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Where's White Knight? I should tell him I've arrived. : '''Black Knight''': I can answer that for you. It's good to have you back, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What happened to White? : '''Black Knight''': Just a routine change in command. Nothing to worry about. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Tell me you have my money ready. : '''Black Knight''': You get away you want when I get what I want... Not before. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Relax. : '''Six''': I'm a professional, aren't I? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six, see Meechum? I have some data I'd like to go over with him. Are you... okay? : '''Six''': Rebecca, I have something important to tell you. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Okay. Well... Thanks for tell me. : '''Six''': Rex, are you in here? I do not understand this show. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Am I interrupting? : '''Six''': Not at all. What can I do for you? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Nothing important. I just wanted to say... earlier... that was nice. Unexpected but nice. : '''Six''': Earlier? : '''Dr. Holiday''': In the lab? : '''Six''': I have no idea what you're talking about. : ''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' : '''Rex''': Six, I need to talk to you about Circe. Uh... Six? Earth to agent guy. You okay? : '''Six''': I'm fine. I've just decided not to waste any more time on you, Rex. : '''Rex''': Um... Is this because I accidentaly used your swords to slice a pizza? : '''Six''': It's because you're weak. You don't have what it takes to complete the mission. : '''Rex''': Ohh, I get it. This is one of your test, right? : '''Six''': No test. Just me coming to my senses. You're not strong enough to survive what's coming. In the end, you're gonna let us all down. : ''[Dr. Holiday crying]'' : '''Rex''': Doc? What's wrong? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' I-It's nothing, Rex. I didn't want you to see me like this. : '''Rex''': Well, what is it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' It's Six. I'm afraid of him. : '''Rex''': What?! That's crazy talk. : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' Is it? You have to have seen it. He's violent, on edge. He's losing control. : '''Rex''': Are we talking about the same Six? : '''Dr. Holiday''': We don't even known him. He was a killer, Rex. The old Six might have changed, but how do we know this Six didn't come back... Wrong? : ''[Dr. Meechum whistling]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': I have a question. How do you plan to re-create the project without a bio-interface expert? : '''Caesar''': Oh, but we do have one. : '''Van Kleiss''': No! The string doesn't work. Gordian knot, tied up tight. Alexander cheated. Can't cheat. Eyes on your own paper! Peter? No! Can't be! Different time, different me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Van Kleiss? You brought back that monster? : '''Caesar''': Of course. He was the original interface programmer. Who better? : '''Dr. Meechum''': Excuse me a moment. White, what the heck is going on?! : '''White Knight''': Peter? Where are you? : '''Dr. Meechum''': I'm at Providence. Where are you? : '''White Knight''': Providence. But that's not-- I have to go. We have a problem. : '''Rex''': You're darn right we have a problem, because this isn't Peter Meechum! : ''[Dr. Meechum laughing maniacally]'' : '''Scarecrow''': Heya, Rex. Miss me? : '''Rex''': Who are you? Where's Meechum? : '''White Knight''': His name's John Scarecrow. He's an EVO, specialist in infiltration. Black Knight played us. : '''Scarecrow''': You really don't remember me, Rex? I'll give you a hint. We used to share a stomping ground. We had a problem with a shapes hifter once. : '''Rex''': You were in Hong Kong. : '''Scarecrow''': Give the man a prize. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Six''': I think he went that way. : '''Rex''': Wait a minute. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Rex''': I cannot believe I fell for that. : '''Scarecrow''': Look at you. You're ridiculous. You think he'll come to his senses, realize his true feelings? Then what? You'll settle down. White picket fence. Little agent kids. You're fooling yourself. You're the worst of them... you know that?... Because you know better. You really think you can save the world? None of you can survive what's coming! : '''Rex''': Prove it's really you. What's my favorite color? : '''Six''': I have no idea. : '''Rex''': It's you, all right. : ''[Dr. Holiday screaming]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Put it away. I'm not the EVO. : '''Six''': We heard you scream. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That wasn't me. : '''Six''': Let's all calm down. We can figure this out. : '''Rex''': Why, Six? Because I'm weak? You don't think I can handle this? : '''Six''': I never said that. : '''Rex''': But you think it, right? I don't see you putting down your guns, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday''': I know it's not me. I'm not sure about you two. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Scarecrow''': So easy. I barely had to nudge you. : '''Rex''': Whatever you're after, you're not getting away with it. : '''Scarecrow''': Get away with it?! Re-e-e-x, I got what I needed in the first five minutes. : '''Rex''': Then why? Why do all this? : '''Scarecrow''': Simple. I wanted to do to you what you did to me. : '''Rex''': I'm done with you! : ''[Scarecrow groans]'' : '''Scarecrow''': The big hero. Why do you get to forget? It's not fair! : '''Rex''': Whine, whine, whine. What... you didn't get enough crazy hugs as a kid? : '''Scarecrow''': You think I'm the only one you hurt? Then tell me-- : '''Skwydd''': What about us? Why'd you betray me? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Circe:''' You promised to protect me, Rex. Where were you? : '''Rex:''' Stop it! : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex breathing heavily]'' : '''Caesar''': Face it, bro. It's why I left you. Mom and dad, too. : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': You're your own worst enemy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That's for Rex. That's for Providence. And that was for the kiss. : '''White Knight''': Providence won this round. No question. : '''Rex''': They have the real Meechum. Maybe more. : '''Dr. Holiday''': There's no telling how much of our system Scarecrow uploaded. : '''Six''': But we have to assume they know everything we do. : ''[Scarecrow laughs evilly]'' : '''White Knight''': Black Knight is coming for us. It's just a matter of time. : '''Dr. Holiday''': So? I mean, we knew that. Nothing's changed, right? : '''Six''': Rex, this is what they wanted-- To turn us against each other. : '''Rex''': Yeah, and look how easy it was. We thought we were a team, but we're not. We're vulnerable. : '''Van Kleiss''': It's Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. Looking past Occam's Razor, we can clearly see to a quantum level. A quantum level is what I'm trying to achieve, because if I didn't do the quantum level, then I can understand what's happening. : '''Caesar''': I know you don't like this, but it's not about us. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Can you do it? Can you control him? : '''Caesar''': Leave Van Kleiss to me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What about Black Knight? I don't like her, Salazar. Never did. : '''Caesar''': Trust me, Peter-- When we're finished, the end will justify the means. ===Hermanos=== :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-OA! Unh! Ugh! :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Agent Six''': Be careful, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm touched by your concern, Six. :'''Agent Six''': It's not for you. We don't have Providence to pick up the tab anymore. You break it, you buy it. :''[Rex growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm saving the day here. What are they gonna do--Sue me? Oh, come on! It was a rhetorical question! What was I supposed to do? The whole building was made of glass! :'''Lawyer''': ''[Hispanic accent]'' Glass? What are you talking about? :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm... not talking about anything. What are you talking about? :'''Lawyer''': Mr. Salazar, I'm an associate at the stateside branch of the Argentinean firm Gomez and Gomez. And today, sir, is your lucky day! :'''Rex Salazar''': What's this? :'''Lawyer''': It's yours! :'''Noah Nixon''': No away! This is your house? :'''Rex Salazar''': I know! According to the lawyer guy, this rancho in Argentina's been in my family forever. And ever since my parents died in the event, those lawyers have been trying to track down the heir. And guess who that is. :'''Noah Nixon''': You and your brother? :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, yeah, right. Him too. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': Dude, it's never a good time, but you go to-- O...kay, so maybe this really isn't a good time, but this is important. I was being chased by a lawyer. No, I wasn't being sued this time. But you'll never guess what he-- :'''Caesar Salazar''': Is this about the rancho? :'''Rex Salazar''': You know about it? :'''Caesar Salazar''': Those lawyers have left me a dozen messages. :'''Rex Salazar''': And you didn't tell me? Caesar, I never even knew we had this place! There might be photo albums, home movies-- I don't know-- maybe even an old teddy bear or something. :'''Caesar Salazar''': You never had a teddy bear. :'''Rex Salazar''': See, the fact that you know that and I don't-- that's why we need to go down there. :'''Lawyer''': Clear! :'''Caesar Salazar''': I can't, Rex. My work's already been interrupted once today. Although... Now that you mention the ranch, it does bring back some memories. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? Like what? :'''Caesar Salazar''': There was an experiment I remember mom and dad running. If you could find the notes, it might save some time on the work I'm doing now. :'''Rex Salazar''': Notes? Come on. Isn't family more important than-- Guess not. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Why can't I have a normal brother? Know anything about cows? Thanks for coming with me. This is really a family thing, but my brother is, well-- My brother. :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you kidding? I'm psyched! I've been killing myself trying to find a birthday present for Claire. A vacation at my best friend's awesome ancestral estate? What other guy could offer her that? :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, but then why bring Annie? :'''Annie''': Um, this just kind of broke off. :''[Annie, Claire and Noah screaming]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': AAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I sure hope this isn't included in Six's "You break it, you buy it" policy. :'''Annie''': Sorry. :'''Rex Salazar''': No problem. We're here. :'''Claire Bowman''': Are... you sure this is the place? :'''Noah Nixon''': What happened to it? :'''Annie''': Hey, don't look at me. I just got there. :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Annie''': Okay, that was me. :'''Rex Salazar''': I guess this must be my... family. :'''Claire Bowman''': Looks like you-- But with a 'stache. :'''Annie''': I like you with a 'stache. :'''Claire Bowman''': Hey, there are chickens in here! :'''Annie''': And llamas! :'''Noah Nixon''': Chicken, llamas-- And a funny-looking bull. :''[Chiquito snorts]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I-I-I take it back! You're not funny-looking! :'''Chiquito''': This place is Durango's! :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, actually-- :'''Chuquito''': No fancy talk! Just go! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Okay, number one, how is "actually" fancy talk! Number two, I don't know who Durango is, but this farm isn't his. And number three-- :''[Chiquito grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Ugh! All right, there's no misunderstanding the international language of getting punched in the face. So read my fist-- Get out of my house! :'''Chiquito''': Durango will not be happy! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, don't know who that guy was, but problem solved. :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh, you think? Aah! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Calmate, Chiquito. You are my brother. I would not do anything to hurt mi hermano. Unless you force me to. I cannot lose that tract of land. Without its right of way, I will lose my claim on the rest of the county. But never mind. They will learn-- When you mess with the bull, you get the horns. :'''Rex Salazar''': OHHH! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': A chicken just tried to poop on my shoe! :'''Rex Salazar''': I think I can top you there. :'''Noah Nixon''': No offense, but when I asked Claire to come here, this wasn't what I was hoping for. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, me either. I mean, I was thinking I'd find-- I don't know what. But everything in this place has been smashed or stolen. Maybe this whole family thing isn't for me. :''[Noah gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': That's the one! :'''Claire Bowman''': Please, Noah. It just needed a little help laying an egg. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[Chuckling]'' What, did you grow up on a farm in Kansas? :'''Claire Bowman''': An apartment in Chicago-- Which is where I learned to download videos onto my phone. :'''Telephone Voice''': When caring for an egg bearing hen, remember to-- :'''Muchado''': Hola? Quien esta aquí? :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh... hello? :'''Muchado''': So, you are the Americans? I am Señor Muchado-- The juez. :'''Claire Bowman''': That's like a judge? :'''Muchado''': Sí. For all intents and purposes, I am the law in this county-- Which is why I have come here with him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Good, because I definitely want to press charges. :'''Muchado''': You misunderstand. I am here because of the trouble you caused for Chiquito. :'''Rex Salazar''': Chiquito? :''[Rex chuckles]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Your mom must have some sense of humor to name you "Tiny". :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Muchado''': Chiquito's brother is Señor Durango. He controls most of the land in this county, including this hacienda. At Señor Durango's request, I have prepared a legal order compelling you to vacate. :'''Claire Bowman''': But this is Rex's farm. :'''Annie''': Yeah, he's got a deed and everything. :'''Muchado''': This might have some bearing-- If you were a Salazar. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, we're in luck. I am. :'''Annie''': Maybe this will help. :'''Muchado''': You may be a Salazar, but by our law, this land has been deemed abandoned, and Señor Durango has claimed it. :'''Rex Salazar''': Sorry. Been sort of busy saving the world and stuff. But I'm here now, so consider his claim unclaimed, then reclaimed by me. :'''Muchado''': It is not so simple. You would have to demonstrate you are actively maintaining the ranch. That means shearing and feeding the animals, bringing your bulls to market-- :'''Rex Salazar''': To market? What, like a... cattle drive? :'''Claire Bowman''': No problem. We can totally figure out how to do that. :'''Muchado''': A ranch this size requires at least a dozen hired men. :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, just... uh... :'''Muchado''': No one within 100 kilometers will help you cross Señor Durango. If you do this, you will do it alone. And you will fail. :'''Claire Bowman''': Well, that guy was kind of a jerk. :'''Annie''': Yeah. So, let's get to work. :'''Noah Nixon''': How? Everything here is broken. :'''Annie''': Uh, have you seen my house? :'''Rex Salazar''': You guys don't have to do this. :'''Claire Bowman''': What kind of friend would walk away now? :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh... yeah! No way you could stop me from helping take care of these totally not-gross animals. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, I'm smiling like that's what I mean, aren't? :''[Noah exhales deeply]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I can do this! I can't do this. Until I've done my milking warm-up. :'''Claire Bowman''': Ugh. Hold this. :'''Telephone Voice''': With you head resting on her flank, gently grasp the udder with the palm of your hand. :'''Noah Nixon''': AAH! :''[Claire giggles]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': I think she likes you. :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': This is your home. Get in your home! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Whoa! AAAH! AAH! Ugh! This is hopeless! This farm only has one bull, and I can't even get it into the barn. And this... better just be mud. :'''Annie''': Hang on! I'll help you! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No! Don't! :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you guys okay? :'''Claire Bowman''': What is it? A storm cellar? :'''Noah Nixon''': Looks like some kind of lab. :'''Rex Salazar''': Figures. My mom and dad were Caesar's parents, too. Of course they'd find a way to take work home with them. Probably where those notes Caesar wanted are. Might as well grab them before the judge kicks us out. :'''Claire Bowman''': What's he talking about? I think we're doing a pretty good job taking care of the-- :'''Annie''': Uh, guys-- :''[Claire grunts]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Wait-- Donkeys eat hay, don't they? Maybe we can use it to lure them back into the barn. :'''Annie''': I got it! Ugh! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, on the plus side, at least we now know for sure that donkeys do eat hay. :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day, these things are going to change the world, and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': ''[chuckling]'' Caesar, please, mi hijo. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay! Okay! :''[Claire sniffs]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': What's that smell? :'''Noah Nixon''': Which one? Everything here smells. :'''Claire Bowman''': No, it smells like... smoke! :'''Annie''': Rex! The straw caught on fire, and it exploded! :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Chiquito''': Hermano! No! Oomph! :'''Senior Durango''': What were you thinking? I told you to smoke them out, not burn the land! This is my land! If you weren't my brother-- :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Senior Durango''': But you are. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, you must be the brother. Hope I'm not interrupting some kind of weird tender moment. :'''Senior Durango''': Soy Durango. And I hope there is still a chance we can reach a resonable agreement. :'''Claire Bowman''': So, then you'll let Rex keep the farm? We played by the rules. :'''Senior Durango''': Around here, I make the rules. :'''Annie''': But the judge said-- :'''Senior Durango''': The judge works for me. Now, please, I'm giving you one last chance to leave. :'''Noah Nixon''': Okay, sure! Oh, wait-- That's right. Your fire blew up what was left of our plane! :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh, let me handle the trash-talking with the 20-foot-tall monster EVO, okay? Leave them out of this! They shouldn't even be here! It should have been my brother! :'''Senior Durango''': That is why you will lose your farm. Without family, a man is nothing. After all, what is this land to them? :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't even know what this place is to me. I came here hoping to find out more about who my family is. :''[Rex start looking at Noah, Claire and Annie, and smile to them]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': And I did. So, you're going to stop threatening them-- And me-- And get off my land. :''[Durango snarls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay. Here's the plan-- Stay behind me! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, there goes that plan. :'''Senior Durango''': Hurt them. You can do that, can't you? :'''Claire Bowman''': W-what do we do now?! :'''Annie''': The only one of us with powers just got kicked to the curb. :'''Noah Nixon''': That depends on what you mean by "powers". :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex muffled grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Not a good time, Caesar. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just wanted to tell you-- Forget about those notes. I realized that's not what's important about you going down there. :''[Durango snarls]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wow, Caesar. I can't believe you came around. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just realized-- The really important thing is, if you happen to find a termo-chronometer I remember having down there, it would save me from ordering one. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito growls]'' :''[Chiquito snarls, roars]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Chiquito snorts]'' <hr width80%> :[''On videotape of the Salazar family]'' :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day these things are going to change the world and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': Cesar, please miquito. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay, okay. <hr width80%> :'''Noah Nixon''': This morning, I almost had to touch a cow's underparts. You think you can do me worse than that? Bring it. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito roars]'' :'''Annie''': Ugh! I didn't mean for that to happen. :'''Claire Bowman''': We did. :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ugh! AAAAAAAAAAARGH! :'''Senior Durango''': OOMPH! :''[Durango lows]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-O-O-O O-OA! :''[Durango lows]'' :''[Durango snorts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Durango growls]'' :''[Durango growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Trust me-- My brother's let me down way worse. But what am I gonna do? He's my brother. :'''Senior Durango''': It is over. :'''Rex Salazar''': Nice ego there, but I've been hit a lot harder. :''[Durango spits]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Those bells signal the market is ending soon. I can see you have yet to herd you cattle there. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, come on! The one cattle I've got doesn't even move! :'''Senior Durango''': If you do not have your cattle to market before it ends, you will have failed to fulfill your deed, and this land will be mine. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then I guess I don't have any time to waste talking about it. :'''Claire Bowman''': Come on. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': Forget it. I got this. :'''Claire Bowman''': WHOO-HOO! Yes! Go, Rex! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Where's Durango? :'''Rex Salazar''': OWW! Come on! You don't move the whole time, and you can't stay still? :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': What is this, a western? You're actually trying to stop him with a rockslide? :'''Senior Durango''': You? Here? How is that even possible? :'''Telephone Voice''': Donkeys can be ridden surprinsingly fast if you-- :'''Noah Nixon''': Come on! Just give up! The farm belong to Rex. And I really want to get off this thing. :'''Senior Durango''': You think I'm afraid of you ''[scoffs]'' boy? :'''Claire Bowman''': Oh, it's not the boy you should be afraid of. :'''Annie''': Oops. :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Ugh! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': We sheared the llamas, we milked the cows, I got the bull to town. We did everything in the deed. :'''Muchado''': Sí, sí. But more important, you faced Durango and won! Once the other ranchers hear of this, they won't be afraid. You have broken Durango's hold on our lands. :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait-- You're... happy about that? :'''Muchado''': Of course. I told you exactly what you had to do to legally gain control of the land, didn't I? :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh. I guess you did. :'''Claire Bowman''': Wow! Can you believe how you perfect this all worked out? :'''Noah Nixon''': Yeah, uh, so, maybe we should get out of here before we wear out our welcome. :'''Rex Salazar''': There's just one thing I want to do first. ===The Rescue=== :''Note'': Rex goes alone to rescue his girlfriend Circe from the clutches of Black Knight. but it turns out she has been waiting for him. <hr width80%> ===Alone Together=== :''Note'': Finally together at last, Rex and Circe reminiscence about their good and hard times together ans their romance begins to grow. ===Retribution=== ===Temporary Insanity=== ===Crime and Punishment=== :''Note:'' His false insanity revealed, Van Kleiss abducts Circe with the intent of punishing her for betraying him, due to her enduring love for Rex. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, Circe, you shall learn the ultimate price of betraying me. :'''Rex:''' ''Leave her alone!!'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, Rex. For young love. One of your greatest weaknesses. After I finish off your beloved, you will no longer be a hindrance to me. :'''Rex''' (''enraged'')''':''' I ''said''...LEAVE HER ALONE!!! <hr width80%> ===Shadowed Past=== ===Separation Anxiety=== ===Brotherly Love=== ===Rocky My World=== :'''Beverly:''' Oh, this is so awesome! We're seeing the Trendbenders live! :'''Rex:''' Well, maybe not see them, but we'll totally hear them. Attention! The Trendbenders will be arriving through the back of the club. :'''Beverly:''' Slick trick! Yes, Rebecca. I know! Only drink the bottled water. No, we're not that close to the stage. Ugh! I know that's where they mosh-pit. Don't worry! Bye! :'''Rex:''' Your sister is acting like your mother. I wouldn't put up with it. Doc?! I'm right next to her! Yes, we've got earplugs. Only bottled water-- I know! Yes, you'll pick us up at 11:00. Okay! Bye! :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' I met a guy who has looking for a lucky break. I met a guy mad he wouldn't make a mistake. No loser here the weight would be upon his face. This ain't no lucky break it's just another day. :'''Beverly:''' Hey! :'''Rex:''' There's something wrong with that guy. :'''Beverly:''' Yeah! It's called lack of social skills. :'''Sebastian:''' We have to talk! You got to listen to me! :'''Rex:''' I think they're a little too busy for a chat right now. :'''Sebastian:''' It's me! Your first fan! :'''Rex:''' Come on, dude. Can't you just watch the show, like everyone else? :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' You won't bring me down. Yeah-yeah-yeah. You won't bring me down. :'''Sebastian:''' I'm not just everyone else. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' You want to rethink trying to stop me? :'''Beverly:''' Whoa! Geek in triplicate! :'''Rex:''' More like EVO geek. :'''Sebastian:''' I bet you're not even a real fan! :'''Rex:''' Hey, I know their music! :'''Sebastian:''' Yeah? What album is "Bitten on the Wind" from? :'''Beverly:''' Uh, their first album. :'''Sebastian:''' Wrong! Their third! Poser! :'''Sly:''' Here's one from our first album-- "Bitten on the Wind." :'''Beverly:''' Told ya! Their first album! Who's the poser now? :'''Sebastian:''' But it is their third. They keep denying their first two albums exist! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :''[Rex bones cracking]'' :'''Rex:''' Shouldn't you be home, making sure your mom isn't snooping around your basement? Ouch! All right, I've had enough. :'''Sebastian:''' I know you. You're that guy from Providence that beats up on EVOs. :'''Rex:''' And I'm guessing you're not one of my fans. :'''Sebastian:''' This isn't over! They still need me to show them the way back. I'll make them listen to me.. No matter what! Ugh! :'''Man:''' No re-entry without a hand stamp. :'''Rex:''' Uh, but-- :'''JoJo:''' It's okay. He's with me. I'm JoJo, the band's manager. :'''Beverly:''' Oh! Sly Tyler, vocals, six-stringer. Burrito Beau on the big bottom, and Leon Adler on the skins. :'''Beau:''' Bass. Drums. :'''Beverly:''' They're even cutter up close! :'''JoJo:''' But Sebastian isn't. And now that fruitcake fan has become a major menace. :'''Rex:''' You know who that guy is? :'''Sly:''' Yeah, he's one of our first fans from way back. :'''Leon:''' But he didn't like our change in music direction. :'''Beau:''' Change, like in popular. :'''Sly:''' So he started sending us nasty e-mails and slagging us on the fan sites. :'''JoJo:''' But now he's turned violent, and it turns out he's... H-he's... :'''Rex:''' An EVO that can multiply himself. :'''JoJo:''' We can't handle that kind of threat, but you can. :'''Beverly:''' Is this a job offer? :'''JoJo:''' As head of security for the rest of the tour. :'''Rex:''' Huh, I don't know. Putting up with groupies, great music, catering, the Rock'n'roll lifestyle-- Oh, right, like I'm not totally in for this! :'''Beverly:''' And I'm your deputy, sheriff. :'''Sly:''' Absolutely. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Absolutely not. :'''Rex:''' They've got an EVO threat. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Fine, Rex. Beverly? And don't forget to use earplugs. :'''Rex:''' Private jet to the next gig? Airline-- First class? Coach? :'''JoJo:''' Of the road kind. :'''Rex:''' Traveling the open road, bringing music to the people. Where to next? :'''Beau:''' Eugene, Oregon. ''[Unenthusiastically]'' WHOO-HOO! :'''Rex:''' Ow! :'''Leon:''' Bad seat. Got a lot of them. :''[Beau farts]'' :''[Rex sniffs]'' :'''Leon and Rex:''' Oh! :''[Leon coughs]'' :'''Leon:''' Isn't the ozone layer depleted enough, Beau? :'''Rex:''' Want to hit the streets and check out the local scene? :'''Sly:''' Seriously, man? It's just another town. :'''Beau:''' Been there. Seen them all. :'''TV Announcer:''' He's currently under 3, 2 behind the leader. This is a very tricky-- :'''Rex:''' Oh, let's throw this in the pool! :'''Leon:''' Hey, I'm watching something, dude! :'''Rex:''' How about a food fight? :'''Sly:''' Sorry, man. Not feeling it. :'''Rex:''' This isn't feeling very Rock'n'Roll. :'''JoJo:''' Rex, we hired you to consult on security, not rock-tour clichés. :'''Sebastian:''' Room service. :'''JoJo:''' Again? You guys, this is costing too much. :'''Sly:''' But we didn't order anything else. :'''Sebastian:''' That's okay. This is on the house! :''[Sebastian grunts]'' :''[JoJo gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Look out! He's got... Paperwork? :'''Sebastian:''' I've got notes and visuals on where you've gone commercial and how you can get back to your roots! He's with the band now? He's not even a real fan! You see? You've got to come with me. You need my help! :'''Rex:''' They're not going anywhere, but you are! :'''Sebastian:''' My copies don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But you do! :'''Girl:''' Whoa! You must really be a big fan! :'''Sebastian:''' Only of their early stuff. :'''Girl:''' Eww! Their early stuff is weak. :'''Teen girl:''' But their new songs are awesome! :''[Girls giggling]'' :''[Sebastian growls]'' :''[Girls screaming]'' :'''Rex:''' Excuse me. I'm with the band. :'''Teen girl:''' But you missed your ride. :'''Rex:''' That's okay. I've got my own. :'''Man:''' Rock bands! Never again! :'''Sebastian:''' I've got to take you away from this sellout existence, where you deny your first two albums even exist. :'''Sly:''' B-but those albums weren't any good. That's why we only had a few fans, like you. :'''Rex:''' If there's only three of them, then who's driving the car? :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Did he... Ah! Rent that car from the circus? Time to cut this act short. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' Oh, man. I went to my first Trendbenders show in that car. :'''Rex:''' Maybe I can't turn off your obsession, but I can shut down your nanites. :'''Beau:''' That clone-boy? :'''Rex:''' I don't think he's going to be a problem now. :'''JoJo:''' We can still use you on the tour. What did you say? :'''Rex:''' Yes! :'''Sly:''' Good man! ''[singing]'' You see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", kill your radio, you live a life for all to see, sometimes it's right, sometimes obscene, now you're the enemy, it's one for all and all for me, unlocking doors and misery, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, it isn't all, that it's cracked up to be, I never thought it'd be so easy, I wouldn't have it any other way, you see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah". :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Sly:''' At least we got a day off before the next gig. :'''JoJo:''' Guys, a club owner in fleeceburg just offered us amazing money. I booked it. :'''Rex:''' For when? :'''JoJo:''' We're already running late. :'''Sly:''' They're paying money for us to play in this dump? :'''JoJo:''' Big money. Come on. You're on in ten minutes. :'''Rex:''' I'm guessing ticket sales are a little slow. :'''Leon:''' Are we breaking up? :'''Beau:''' This dive seems awfully familiar. :'''Sebastian:''' It should. :'''Rex:''' That voice seems awfully familiar! :'''Teens:''' Dude! Nobody move! What's going on? Who's touching me? What is this? Excuse me. What is going on? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I built an exact replica of the first club you played in. :'''Beau:''' Hey, that's one of my puke stains. Fruitcake knows his details. :'''Rex:''' But I cured you. :'''Sebastian:''' Hmm... That was a copy, not the original. :'''Sly:''' Whatever. When's this gonna end, fan-boy? :'''Sebastian:''' It ends tonight. Check the floor at your feet. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I've given up trying to get you back to your roots. So now you'll play what I want to hear for the next hour. And then your career ends with a bang. :'''Sly:''' On behalf of the band, I'd like to thank our manager, JoJo, for booking this totally insane gig! :''[JoJo laughs nervously]'' :'''Sebastian:''' The sound of cold, hard cash is the only music sellouts like you listen to anymore. :'''Rex:''' They're not sellouts. They just got more popular than you wanted. :'''Sebastian:''' You try anything, and I'll end their last gig prematurely. You're only alive because I want you to see what the Trendbenders used to be like. For the next hour give me the early stuff, when you were cool. :'''Sly:''' Why bother? You're gonna nuke us, anyway. :'''Sebastian:''' Because if you don't play, this happens! :'''Sly:''' Aah! :'''Leon, Sly and Beau:''' No more! :'''Sly:''' Okay, dude, what's the first number? :'''Sebastian:''' "Crawling undertow"! :'''Sly:''' Well, how does it feel? :'''Sebastian:''' First album, seventh song. Fifth song on the Japanese import. :'''Sly:''' To get that weight back on our shoulders-- :'''Sebastian:''' You're giving it a beat that wasn't in the original, man! Not even in the remix from the box set. Play it right this time! I'm missing the concert because of you! :'''Rex:''' Stinks to be you. Got to cure the real Sebastian. But which one is the mother ship? :'''Sebastian:''' You can't even play your old songs like you used to. Total disappointment. Let's end this bummer concert. :'''Sly:''' But we still have over a half-hour left! :'''Sebastian:''' Last song, no encore. :'''Rex:''' Tell me who's the original, or I'll turn you into dessert topping! :'''Sebastian:''' You don't scare me. I don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But the real Sebastian does. Sly! Maximum feedback! Now! Thanks, Doc. :'''Sebastian''': AAAHHHH! :'''Rex:''' How do you like their new hit, Sebastian Prime? Here's another new groove you're not going to like. :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Congrats. You're back to being a solo act. :'''Sebastian:''' You've got to listen to me! :''[Sebastian yelling]'' :'''Rex:''' Kidnapping, assault and battery, construction without a permit-- that should keep him away for years. :'''JoJo:''' Have to say it, guys, but we've got a gig in toledo to get to. Security? :'''Rex:''' Not anymore. Sebastian's done, and so am I. :'''Sly:''' Dude, I thought you wanted the rock'n'roll lifestyle. :'''Rex:''' I'm not tough enough for it. I need to get back to something easier, like city-smashing EVOs and conspiracies to take over the world. :'''Beau:''' Don't know what your missing. :'''Rex:''' I think do. But I don't miss this. Yes, doc? Don't need my earplugs anymore. I quit. Will you let me tell you? No, the EVO threat wasn't just an excuse. Well, I'm coming back! Will you let-- Doc! ===Lost and Found=== ===My Brother's Keeper=== ===Target: the Consortium=== : '''Jungle Cat:''' You are...? : '''Rex:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. What are you? : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : '''Rex:''' HUNH! AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Rex gasps deeply]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. That was a total zero on the fun meter. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Learning how to communicate with the nanite world isn't about fun. Did you get anywhere at all? : '''Rex:''' Don't know. I connected with a Master Control Nanite for a second, and then I lost it. But I also got, like, this feeling that something's about to happen in the nanite world. Something... big. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Argh! This is Rylander's speciality, not mine. There's no way I can cover for him. : '''Caesar:''' Not to worry, Dr. Meechum. You won't have to any longer. Dr. Rylander will take over from here. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Oh, really, Caesar? From his current location of beyond the grave? : '''Rylander:''' Actually, Peter, I was never completely dead-- just spread a little thin-- ''[chuckling]'' Moleculary speaking. Caesar's been working on putting me back together. : '''Black Knight:''' All of them together-- At last. Contact the Consortium. We now have something to show them. Something big. : '''White Knight:''' Even having two of the Master-Control Nanites doesn't change the vital importance of finding the other three. But the latest intel I've received could give us a way to neutralize the group obsessed with these machines. : '''Six:''' The Consortium. : '''Rex:''' Aren't those the money guys that bankrolled the Nanite Project in Providence? : '''White Knight:''' The same. Formerly made-up of six members, but now five-- Reddick, made his wealth in real estate and construction. Vostock, black market finance and KGB... Zanubian, arms dealing and shipping. Roswell, oil and minerals. Anthony Haden-Scott, worldwide media. : ''[Rex munches]'' : '''Rex:''' Should we be writing this down for the pop quiz later? : '''White Knight:''' You may be facing them soon because of the efforts of our stealthiest agent. : '''Rex:''' Mm! Thank you! I think. : '''Jungle Cat:''' He's not talking about you. : '''Rex:''' Hey! It's Evo-cat guy! Uh... sorry-- What's your name? O...kay, cat with no collar, what's in the sack? Bunch of canaries? Well, that's... something. : '''White Knight:''' Our associate has been tracking the Consortium with a little help from a former member. : '''Rex:''' I remember him! He's the one Rylander got revenge on with an EVO love letter. : '''Jungle Cat:''' That he never recovered from. But he's still full of useful knowledge about the other members. : '''Rex:''' As long as you have a towel handy for the answers. : '''Jungle Cat:''' The Consortium has financed a new facility for nanite research. All of them will be at that location within the next six hours. : '''Six:''' And so will we. : '''White Knight:''' A rare opportunity like this can't be missed. You three will capture the Consortium and bring them to a secure location. Understood? : '''Rex:''' Purrfectly. : '''Black Knight:''' Gentlemen, I wanted you here today to-- : '''Reddick:''' "Wanted?" Sounds like a command. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You get to ask, not order. : '''Black Knight:''' I'm sorry. Let me restate. I asked you here because I can now present some major developments in your quest. I finished construction on the nanite reactor and reassembled against all odds the original science team to run it. Doctors Meechum, systems expert. Salazar, artificial intelligence. Rylander, microengineering. And Van Kleiss, biomechanical integration. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Nanite's recorder locked in. Hologram Rylander saves money on meals. Glow, glow, glow, yipper. : ''[Van Kleiss smooches]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' A human flashlight and a brain-fried babbler. This is what I'm supposed to work with. : '''Vostok:''' Looks like your geniuses have some issues. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' ''[British accent]'' I seem to recall there were two other Salazars on the team. : '''Black Knight:''' They're dead-- And just as well. Considering their actions are responsible for our setbacks, I highly doubt they would have cooperated. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Black Pawns:''' Ohh! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Black Pawns got to talk to their costume designer. Way too stuffy. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Be quiet. : '''Six:''' Our target? : '''Roswell:''' ''[Southern accent]'' Little lady, I'm hoping you didn't get me out here just to watch some lab jockeys do their homework. : '''Vostok:''' I know I've got better things to do. : '''Black Knight:''' Aside from the all-important reassembly of the science team and activation of the nanite reactor, I do have another development to show you. : '''Roswell:''' Yeah? What else you got? : '''Black Knight:''' An acquisition. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' What's wrong with you? : '''Rex:''' Forget the Consortium! I know where we can find a Master-Control Nanite. : '''Six:''' Where? : '''Rex''': Here. : '''Six:''' We're doing both. You two get the nanite, I'll get the Consortium. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' On of the five? That's all? : '''Reddick:''' You know we need all of the Master-Control Nanites to do us any good. : '''Vostok:''' What about the two you lost? And the other two still out there? : '''Black Knight:''' We'll have the other four in due time. Take this back to the vault. But remember that each one has its own useful powers. : '''Roswell:''' Not enough to drag me all the way out there, little lady. : '''Black Knight:''' "Black Knight". : '''Black Pawns:''' You're not one of us. : '''Six:''' Stay clear of the Pawns. They're not buying our cover. Repeat-- Stay clear of the Pawns. : '''Rex:''' Steel door. A vault! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' That was close. : '''Rex:''' Got it. Have to be as stealthy as you from now on. : ''[Jungle Catsnarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Van Kleiss! : ''[Jungle Cat muffled grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Way not to be stealthy. Sorry, cat guy. I know you want payback for him turning you into stone and all, but the nanite is more important. : '''Black Pawns:''' Security alert. Intruder. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' You find the nanite. I'll be a diversion. <hr width80%> : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' She has shown us some progress. That one nanite is significant in itself. : '''Reddick:''' It's all five or nothing. Or are you thinking of working a separate deal with the one? : '''Vostok:''' Can we please not talk like this while those two are in the room? : '''Roswell:''' Yeah, Xanubian, put a sock in all your yammerin'. : '''Black Pawns:''' Another intruder at security zone three. It's Agent Six. : '''Rex:''' Gotcha. : '''Black Pawns:''' Unh! Aah! : '''Rex:''' I'll take that. Six! I've got the nanite! : '''Six:''' Meet your outside. : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' I've got it! Let's scat, cat! : '''Black Knight:''' If he's here-- So is Rex. Vault security, come in. : '''Reddick:''' Is there a problem? : '''Black Knight:''' A minor security issue. I'm taking care of it. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You better, little lady. : '''Rex:''' Well, mission half accomplished. : '''Six:''' This should complete it. : '''Rex:''' You planted a bomb?! : '''Six:''' Plan "B". : '''Rex:''' The cat! He's still inside! No! We've got to go back for the cat! He's on his own mission. Van Kleiss is there. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Black Pawns:''' Black Knight, shouldn't we evacuate? : '''Black Knight:''' The security threat has been removed. Among other things. Track them, find them. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Interlace template, instal copper buffers, hold the mayo, set core temp, heat cold fries. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Remember me? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Someone let the cat in. : '''Jungle Cat:''' You cast me aside as if I was garbage. Turned me to stone. Drained me of life-- Almost. Now it's your turn to suffer. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Had a kitty once. Not you. Bubbles liked catnip and parsnips. Chapped lips. Hip, hip, hooray! : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're here to clean up, ask for directions, not Dr. Screwloose. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Meechum. Bro. He's here to put Van Kleiss out of the world's misery. Give me a reason why he shouldn't. : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Rylander:''' Because the world needs him right now, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander! How did you-- : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[to Caesar]'' You got it to work. : '''Rylander:''' I've looked better, I'll admit, but I'm still very much alive. And so happy to see you again. : '''Rex:''' If you could bring him back-- : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. It won't work for mom and dad. : '''Rex:''' So, you've come back-- But you're working for them! : '''Rylander:''' It seems crazy, I know, but look at our progress-- The nanite reactor is almost operational! : '''Rex:''' Not if I destroy it. : '''Black Knight:''' Surround them. : '''Caesar:''' Trust me, hermano, We're doing the right thing. : '''Rex:''' You keep saying that, but I don't believe it anymore! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Bubbles, I'm sorry. Here, kitty, kitty. Left you out in the rain, rain go away-- : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! Easy on the hot sauce, Peter, Peter pumpkin two seater. : '''Rylander:''' ''[to Caesar]'' Tell him, Caesar! : '''Rex:''' Tell me what? : '''Six:''' Revenge time is up. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat roars]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Aah! Careful! Our work! Ugh! Take it outside! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. : '''Rex:''' I can't talk now! Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Thank you. : '''Rex:''' You're so not welcome. : '''Black Knight:''' You should have left when you had the chance. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You guys have such a great cafeteria. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Had to come back for more. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! Unh! : '''Six:''' Unh! : ''[Black Knight grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Six:''' UNNNNNNNNH! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' Let's say adiós. : '''Six:''' There's still plan "B". : '''Rex:''' We're not assassins. : '''Six:''' You're not. This might be our one chance. : '''Rex:''' To be like them? Then what makes us different? : '''Six:''' Go. I'm right behind you. : '''Roswell:''' You brought us into an ambush! Right behind you, Mr. Chatterbox. : '''Vostok:''' You are cowards. : '''Reddick:''' Graveyards are full of dummies that thought they were though. : '''Vostok:''' Black Knight, we have a lot to discuss about your future. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, let's talk. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Where's Six? : '''Rex:''' He said he was right behind us. : '''Six:''' I am. The Consortium still has to be dealt with. : '''Rex:''' We now have three Master Control Nanites. I'd say the Consortium has to deal with us. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Purrfectly. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I'm shocked. What happened? : '''Black Knight:''' It seems Vostok had an unfortunate run-in with our intruders as he was leaving. But, there's good news. The reactor is gone. Soon we will have all the nanites we need. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' I think it's time we walked about my promotion. ===Convergence=== ===Enter the Nanite World=== ===Enemies Mine=== : '''Valve:''' Battle is to be waged between your courage and my power. You lose. : '''Gatlocke:''' Valve, my friend. Lovely day for a riot, don't you think? : '''Valve:''' What do you want, Gatlocke? : '''Gatlocke:''' I want lots of things-- A doomsday weapon, my own private island, for my mom to stop calling me to fix her computer. But what I really want is to give you a message. It's time. I suppose I'll make the introductions. : '''Valve:''' A biker needs no introduction. And everyone knows Hunter Cain. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Everything is going according to plan. We get one more thing. Then we get wrecked. : '''Rex:''' Sorry we're late. : '''Bobo:''' We're not late. We're fashionably early. : '''Providence Agent:''' I was starting to think I was on my own. I've been calling for help, but Providence hasn't answered. : '''Six:''' What set this off? : '''Providence Agent:''' No idea. One moment everything was fine. The next moment, complete chaos. : '''Rex:''' I'm heading in. I'll lock up when I'm done. Oh, don't bother getting up. I'm just gonna knock you back down again. : '''Bobo:''' Back in your cages, you filthy animals! : '''Rex:''' Huh? What? You? It's a who's-who of old EVOs. Whew! Really not in the mood for this. You're kidding me. You?! : '''Gatlocke:''' Three men, one objective, no rules. Oh, this is exciting, isn't it? Or is it just me? : '''Valve:''' The others are saying that Rex is here. Rex will get his when we're ready. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Watch yourselves. This one's unpredictable. We know what you want, No-Face. Then we can give it to you. Do what we say. Then you'll get Rex. You'll get the chance to tear Rex apart. Piece by piece. Now we're ready. : '''Rex:''' So you remember who I am. Surprised you have a big enough brain for that. These cells are pretty dull. Let's redecorate. No way I'm letting an EVO get won over on me. Especially a big old frog. : '''Gatlocke:''' Almost out. Freedom is just a... Bottomless ravine away. : '''Valve:''' The biker begs the question, how are we getting across? : '''Gatlocke:''' You know that's not really how begging the question is supposed to be used. Are we kidding? Anyone who gets worked up over that phrase needs to be savagely beaten. : '''Hunter Cain:''' This'll override the drawbridge system. : '''Gatlocke:''' Ooh, now how would someone like you procure something like that? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Friends and hide places. : '''Rex:''' Okay, frog legs. Let's put you in solitary confinement. : '''Bobo:''' Do you look like you got run over by an overstuffed garbage truck? : '''Rex:''' Feels like it. This is a prison riot. Where's Providence? They should be all over this. : '''Six:''' They never responded to any calls. : '''Rex:''' It's a setup. Providence wanted this to happen. But why? : '''Six:''' Six here. Go ahead. : '''Rex:''' Wait. This bridge wasn't down before. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. About that. Some of the prisoners escaped together. Gatlocke... : '''Rex:''' That's bad. : '''Bobo:''' Hunter Cain... : '''Rex:''' That's even worse! : '''Bobo:''' Valve. : '''Rex:''' That's... Really? Valve? : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. And No-Face. : '''Rex:''' Those four are loose? Together? : '''Six:''' We've got a bigger problem. : '''Rex:''' How can it be bigger than this? : '''Six:''' The EVOs in the city-- The only thing keeping them tame are their control collars. : '''Rex:''' And this is a problem because...? : '''Six:''' Because someone has shut them all down. : '''Rex:''' Let me get that for you. : '''Bobo:''' Dumpster dog. Considering you used to ride around in the Paris, I guess you're moving up in the world. Main to your mud. : '''Six:''' Are you injured? : '''Rex:''' Just worn out. Is this day over yet? : '''Bobo:''' Oh! Signs pointing no. : '''Rex:''' Huh? That came from the track. Can you handle things here? : '''Bobo:''' Only one way to find out. Valve. Those nanite superchargers you keep using are bad for your health. : '''Valve:''' If I were you, I'd be more concerned with your own short-term health. : '''Rex:''' Please, like I have anything to worry about from you. The other three, they're dangerous. You, you're just comedy relief. : '''Valve:''' I am not. Comedy relief. : '''Rex:''' Well, you're not funny, that's for sure. : '''Valve:''' Like the road that continues on, so must the biker. : '''Rex:''' Where did he go so? Ew! Get away from my tacos, cockroach! Huh? You running away? I'll give you this much, Valve. Maybe you're getting smarter. : '''No-Face:''' Unlike you. : '''Rex:''' I put you away once, No-Face. I'll do it again. : '''No-Face:''' The one who makes machines. The one we've been waiting for. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Figures you try to shoot a guy in the back. : '''Hunter Cain:''' All I see is a filthy EVO. : '''Rex:''' Okay, first off, that Lai is tired. Second off, last time I checked, you're teaming up with one. Would that make you an EVO lover? All this hide and seek is wearing me down! Huh? Figures. : '''Gatlocke:''' Leaving so soon? That's not going to impress the hiring committee. Now, let's see what we have here. "Honor roll, A/V Club." Ugh. "Glee Club." ''[Scoffs]'' I'm going to have to be brutally honest with you. You're perfect for my gang. Can you sing soprano? My last soprano drove his motorcycle off a cliff. He survived, but his voice was never the same. By the way, can you fly? This is quite the surprise. I'm willing to hire you, Rex, but you better have some excellent references. : '''Rex:''' Back to prison, Gatlocke! : '''Gatlocke:''' Then consider the offer rescinded! You could be a valued member of my gang. It's a tough job market out there, you know? : '''Rex:''' I'd never work for you! : '''Gatlocke:''' No, not with that attitude, you wouldn't. Welcome to my gang. Your first task is to destroy Rex-- That guy right there. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' Your second task is to complete harassment training. I teach the class. This pamphlet explains everything. : '''Rex:''' No, no, no! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, come in. What's happening? : '''Rex:''' One really bad day. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Your nanite readings are off the charts. : '''Rex:''' No surprise. I've been fighting and curing EVOs non stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' We need to upload your nanites immediately. : '''Rex:''' Now? Doc, my four worst enemies are still on the loose. Well, my three worst enemies in Valve. Plus the city's in chaos. And where in the world is Providence? How come they're not here dealing with this? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Six and Bobo can mop up the last few EVOs. You have to offload. : '''Rex:''' Okay, fine. But we better make it fast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You'll be locked in the chamber for one hour. : '''Rex:''' Just do it, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' This could be a long sixty minutes. : '''Valve:''' According to the tracking bug, Rex is inside. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Gentlemen, this is what we've been waiting for. It's time for Rex to die. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They followed him. : '''Gatlocke:''' After we kill Rex. We should work together and form a team call ourselves... Gatlocke and the kitty cats. : '''Valve:''' Silence your mouth or the biker will silence it for you. : '''Gatlocke:''' Oh, Valve. You can pretend to be angry, but deep down, you know you're a kitty cat. : '''Hunter Cain:''' They know we're here. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're quite feisty. Have you ever considered a career in the fast growing field of post apocalyptic gangs? : '''Valve:''' She has spirit. Valve the biker will see that spirit crushed. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're Gatlocke's favorite kitty cat. Hmm. Rrr. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Don't follow her. She's trying to lead us away from Rex. Rex is close-by. : '''Valve:''' Rex's chamber... Five minutes to spare. : '''Hunter Cain:''' More than enough time. : '''Gatlocke:''' I could have sworn that we'd agreed to take Rex out together. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I'm changing the terms of the deal if you have a problem with that, feel free to stand right where you are. I've waited a long time for this. Rex! : '''Valve:''' Empty? Or a trick of the mind? : '''Rex:''' Isn't that obvious? Then again, that tracking bug you stuck on me was obvious, too. And the fake countdown? Obvious. It only took me thirty minutes to upload my nanites. You wanted to run me ragged so you could get me. Instead, here you are all in one place. Gotcha! : '''Valve:''' UGHH! : '''Rex:''' UGHHHH! I still don't get why you enlisted Valve. I mean, he's really a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' Valve is the biker. A biker is dangerous. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. Yeah. No. : '''Valve:''' Rrrr! : '''Rex:''' So unpredictable. Like a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' AAAAH! : '''Gatlocke:''' I have a horrible sneaking suspicion that he's winning. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Then do something about it! : '''Gatlocke:''' Don't have to yell. A kind word will get you much further. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' UGHHH! Oh! Oh! Oh ho ho! Ouch! My back! My front and my back! OHH! This is total, total agony! : ''[Gatlocke gasps]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' ''[Calmly]'' I'm okay. Really. I'm fine. : '''Hunter Cain:''' You're lucky. I'll give you that. But you're only delaying the inevitable. You can't beat us all! : '''Rex:''' I never intended to. This offload facility? I reprogrammed it. My surplus nanites aren't being stored. They're powering the shield. : '''Hunter Cain:''' It's a trap! : '''Rex:''' Have fun keeping each other company! : '''Bobo:''' What a day. : '''Rex:''' You know, none of this would have happened if Providence hadn't released the convicts and turned out all those EVOs. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They did that to keep you busy. : '''Rex:''' Keep me busy from what? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The Nanite Project. We just found out. While we dealt with the EVOs, Black Knight got her hands on another Master-Control Nanite. : '''Rex:''' Then it's time. ===Sinister Secrets=== ===Wounded Hearts=== ===One Step Ahead=== ===Breaking Point=== ===Behind Closed Doors=== ===Keeping Hope=== ===Trust=== ===Terror of the Black Knight=== ===Endgame, Part One=== : '''Rex:''' It was going to happen sooner or later. We had most of the pieces, so it was only a matter of time before the Black Knight made her move. And of all the chances she had to attack, it had to be tonight... at this very moment... while I was in the shower. Huh? How many? : '''Six:''' Should it matter? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Can't you do any better than that? : '''Bobo:''' I thought you'd never ask. : '''Rex:''' Rah! Yah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' If they get to the Meta-Nanites, we still have options. : '''Rex:''' Of the self-destruct kind? No, thanks, doc. It's not going to end that way... hopefully. : '''Black Knight:''' We'll dispense with the pleasantries. You know what we want. : '''Rex:''' There is no way you're walking out of here with the nanites. : '''Black Knight:''' You seem so certain. : '''Rex:''' We've beaten you before. Every single time, in fact. So, this time is different... How? Okay, that's different. Ugh! You're an EVO?! : '''Black Knight:''' Do you think you were the only one they experimented on back in the day? You were the guinea pig. Consider me the new-and-improved version. : '''Rex:''' Okay. Before we go any further, I should probably explain a few things. It started when a bunch of rich guys decided they wanted to live forever, so they got the best scientists in the world to figure out how. The answer was nanites. These microscopic machines would cure disease, end hunger, and pretty much make the world a better place. My parents and older brother were on the team, and so was this guy. Look familiar? Van Kleiss. Then one day there was an accident. To save my life, my parents injected me with nanites. It worked. But there were a few crazy side effects, like the fact I could talk to machines and, later on, build some pretty cool things. That got the rich guys thinking-- How far could we take this? Turns out pretty far. These little machines could control the very fabric of the Universe, but they would need a Master-Control Nanite to program all the others and tell them what to do. Energy, gravity, time/space, elemental, mechanical-- All the things that make the Universe run. Combined together, they would pretty much make you a God. And when my brother and parents found out the Consortium was about to put these nanites inside themselves, they sort of freaked out in a "got to save the Earth" kind of way. Something had to be done to stop it. Turns out that meant blowing the whole thing up, better known as "The Nanite Event". That didn't end well for my parents. While everyone else ran away, my parents were trapped inside. Sill not sure how. There was some good news-- No more Master-Control Nanites. And the bad news? Dangerous unprogrammed nanites got spread across the world, and nanites plus DNA equals EVO. My brother Caesar got caught in a time warp during his escape. Van Kleiss got blown to smithereens and became the world's biggest pain in the nanite. And me? I got amnesia and traveled the globe living the good life... At least, that's how I tell it. The only part I know of wasn't all that much to brag about. I did get some good friends and a few enemies out of the deal. Turns out that losing my memory was a regular thing for me. Last time I woke up and said, "Who Am I?" It was when this guy found me-- Agent Six. He worked for Providence, sort of a global police force created to clean up after the event. It was paid for mostly by the same group of goons that started the whole thing-- The Consortium. It was great for a while. I had my own personal doctor, a chimp sidekick, a cool best friend to hang with. I was a full-fledged hero. The world loved me, and my powers kept getting better and better. Van Kleiss was still a pain, but I managed to take care of him. A few times, actually. Then things started to get not so cool. My brother shows up from out of nowhere. I get thrown six months into the future to find White Knight kicked out of Providence and this lady in charge-- Black Knight. She's been the lapdog of the Consortium from day one, and now her bosses want to pick up where they left off. Most of the old team of scientists have been reunited, and together, they've restarted the nanite program. The Master-Control Nanites were spread across the globe in the first explosion, and we've been racing against Providence to get them back. So far, we've been winning that fight, and that pretty much brings us to right now. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' The Black Pawns are robots?! : '''Black Knight:''' Total obedience at the flip of a switch. Can you blame me? : '''Black Pawn:''' What's so funny? : '''Six:''' I hold back against people. You're not people. : ''[Bobo Haha grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? Ugh! : '''Feakins:''' Hey! Hey! Take it easy, would you? Oh! : '''Rex:''' Fitzy?! : '''Feakins:''' Heh? Sorry, guy. They found me. She's hard to say "No" to... and live. : '''Black Knight:''' Well put, Mr. Feakins. And thanks to his unique ability, we can set aside our nanite enhancements and do this the old-fashioned way. : '''Rex:''' Come on. That's not fair. I'm unarmed! : '''Black Knight:''' Precisely. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Stop! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea. : '''Rex:''' Listen to the crazy guy. : '''Black Knight:''' Why are you here, Van Kleiss? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I forgot. Oh, no, wait. I remember. He's got a Master-Control Nanite swallowed up inside him. It's been hiding, the naughty thing. : '''Rex:''' On second thought, don't listen to him. He's, uh-- He's crazy, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' You're sure of this? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, yes, yes. Quite sure. Do you have any mints? : '''Black Knight:''' I want Rex at the lab. Restrain and sedate him. : '''Rex:''' How, hold on a minute. : '''Feakins:''' Hey! What about me? : '''Black Knight:''' I'm not taking any chances. He stays with Rex. Kill the others. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Ahh. : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Human. : '''Rex:''' What are you telling me? What do you want? : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I get it. How? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Caesar:''' Calm down, Rex. You're safe. : '''Rex:''' Safe?! Black Knight and her robo-troopers just came knocking, and Van crazy says I have a Master-Control Nanite inside me! : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating, isn't it? All this time, it's been hiding undetected inside you. I wonder if this particular control unit is responsible for his unique nano-evolution. : '''Rex:''' Are any of you even listening to me? : '''Feakins:''' Boy, I am. It's like a movie but real! I just want to go start pressing buttons. Can I get another milkshake? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How exactly do you plan on getting it out of him? : '''Black Knight:''' I have a suggestion. Tear it out. : '''Rylander:''' It would kill him. : '''Black Knight:''' That's none of my concern. : '''Caesar:''' The nanite is tied to his DNA. Simply pulling it out of him would ruin the nanite. : '''Rex:''' And me, too, remember? : '''Caesar:''' The only way this will work is if we put him in the cyclotron with the other Metas. It should extract automatically during the reassembly. : '''Black Knight:''' And if it doesn't? : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Good question. : '''Rex:''' Here's another one-- Don't I get a say in this? Like, isn't this the exact thing that our parents died trying to stop? : '''Black Knight:''' Take him to the hub and prepare for the transfer. The Consortium is here and extremely impatient. I want this finished within the hour. : '''Feakins:''' Aah! Hey, what am I-- Sandpaper? Not so rough! ''[sputtering]'' Rough. : '''Rex:''' Glad someone can see the humor in this. : '''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, see that Rex is well taken care of. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' ''[to Caesar]'' I hope you know what you're doing, Salazar. This is a huge risk we're taking. : '''Rylander:''' Listen to Peter. The thing we swore to stop at any cost, the thing that took your parents-- It could happen-- Right here, today! : '''Caesar:''' It can't, and it won't. You'll have to trust me on this. : '''Rylander:''' You can only say that so many times, Caesar. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We've been waiting almost an hour. Not even refreshments? : '''Black Knight:''' You can have your snack after we become Gods. : '''Roswell:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' That's right-- "We." None of this would be possible without my efforts. : '''Roswell:''' And our money, sister. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, have your contempt. There's plenty of room buried next to the Russian if you'd like to keep him company. That's what I thought. Now, if you'll follow me-- : '''Bobo:''' "Kill the others." Not gonna happen, lady. We're bulletproof. Ow! Hangnail. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! We know where they took him. Why are we here? We need to go get Rex. : '''Six:''' I agree. We just don't have the resources, Rebecca. We'd need an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've been known to make the impossible happen, Six. How hard could that be? : '''Six:''' Six here. Copy that. We just got ourselves an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You see? : '''Van Kleiss:''' That will be all. : '''Feakins:''' But the lady said-- Good luck, Kid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' These restraints were made for you. You're very special, you know. : '''Rex:''' Lucky me. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss... leave us. : '''Rex:''' I really hate you. : '''Caesar:'''I know how this looks, Rex. : '''Rex:''' But what? I just have to trust you? Is that what you were going to say? Just help me-- Please. : '''Caesar:''' It may not seem like it, but I am. : '''Rex:''' Caesar... I'm scared. : '''Caesar:''' So am I, little brother. This will all be over in a few minutes. : '''Rex:''' It's already over! When I get out of this, I never want to see you again! : '''Rylander:''' Commencing countdown. : '''Roswell:''' WHOO-HOO! : '''Reddick:''' Payback time! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' This won't be entirely unpleasant. It should feel similar to when you offload surplus nanites. : '''Rex:''' Stop! You can't do this! You can't merge! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Something's wrong. : '''Rylander:''' Of course something's wrong. The kid is fighting it. : '''Caesar:''' This could be bad. : '''Rylander:''' You have to tell him, Caesar! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, you have to stop. Listen to me. The nanites are supposed to do-- Rex? Can you hear me? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Actually, he can't. There's a short in the comm relay. : '''Van Kleiss:''' This would be a wonderful day for a picnic. : '''Rex:''' RA-A-A-A-A-A-H! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' So much for that plan. : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, serves you right. All that and you come out of the oven looking like freaks. Nice job! : '''Black Knight:''' It's not exactly what we were expecting, but it's a start. : '''Reddick:''' This isn't what we agreed to. : '''Roswell:''' Where's the rest of our power? This is all messed up! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How can this be possible? : '''Rylander:''' The Meta-Nanites were dispersed between the five. This is quite a surprise. : '''Caesar:''' We've got to get Rex out of there. Step aside, Van Kleiss. : '''Van Kleiss:''' They still don't have what they want... and neither do you. : '''Black Knight:''' You're angry. I can see that. If you want to take it out on anyone, it should be Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I think I can agree to that. : '''Roswell:''' Count me in! This might actually be fun! : '''Rex:''' Let's think about this for a second. Whoa! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' How 'bout that? Exactly one second. Whoa! Aah! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What a perfect way to learn to use our powers-- Tearing this brat apart. : '''Rex:''' Only one problem with that, sparky. I've been using my powers a whole lot longer-- And I'm pretty good. : '''Roswell:''' You got any ideas here, missy, or we gonna stand around and get it handed to us? : '''Black Knight:''' The Meta-Nanites were designed to work together. So will we. : '''Rex:''' What? Are you gonna join together to make a robo-mutant? : '''Black Knight:''' That's exactly what we're going to do. : '''Rex:''' I need to stop giving them ideas. Huh? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' No one the help you-- No family, no friends, nothing. It's a terrible way to go. : '''White Knight:''' Captain Calan, target the base. All weapons, sire. : '''Providence Agent:''' Fire control reports they're being jammed, sir. : '''White Knight:''' Only one salvo. Black Knight must have prepared for this. : ''[Rex groans softly]'' : '''Rex:''' Big giant robot. Black Knight. : '''Six:''' We know. : '''Rex:''' Have to... stay and stop them. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Another time, Rex. : '''Rex:''' I-I-- : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to White Knight. We have Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We're just gonna watch them go?! : '''Black Knight:''' Let Providence have their weapon back. With our combined power, the world is ours. ===Endgame, Part Two=== :'''Black Knight:''' Science has given us a tremendous gift-- Nanites. We've seen what they can do-- The good and the bad. But they're true potential has been largely unseen. Until now. Our goals are varied. Fame... power... revenge... wealth... order. Yet, one thing unites us-- Greed. You're surprised I admit it? Well, don't be. You'll never get far in life without wanting it all. And for those who might consider standing in our way... We'll let our powers speak for themselves. The world is ours. And no one can stop us. :''[Roswell laughs]'' :'''Roswell:''' This is more fun than my first rodeo. What else you got? :'''Six:''' Any change? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' He's sleeping. The nanites in him are making repairs. That's a good thing. He's a tough kid, Six. :'''Six:''' I know. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' See you next time. Judging by what you fed us for lunch, I'm guessing twenty minutes. Can't even go to the little scientists' room without them breathing down our necks. How long are we going to put up with this? :'''Caesar:''' I know it's not easy working under these circumstances. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Do you? I don't hear you complaining, or have you even noticed that we're prisoniers? :'''Rylander:''' Gentlemen, please. Can we focus on a more important problem? The Consortium's gain of power is a troubling outcome. Something should be done. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're talking about stopping them, I'm listening. :'''Black Knight:''' I want you all in the boardroom in three minutes. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' The world is being taken over by nanite-fueled ex-c.e.o. Psychos, and they still act like they're running a business. :'''Roswell:''' You nerds gave us a raw deal. I want a do-over. :'''Caesar''': A do-over? :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What my colleague means to say is that our powers are remarkable to be sure, but we only have one seventh of what we were promised. :'''Rylander:''' You're asking a lot. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You're asking the impossible. You'd be lucky to survive the extraction. :'''Caesar:''' This is true. You may be powerful, but you're not Rex. :'''Black Knight:''' I share your disappointment, gentlemen. But are you willing to lose everything for this? :'''Roswell:''' Go big or go home. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, what do you have to say? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Easy-peasy. I can do it. It's only a matter of correctly calibrating the bio-filters with the homing frequency of the nanites. By the way, have you seen my socks? :'''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss-- :'''Black Knight:''' Has an assignment. The rest of you... Stay out of trouble. :'''Rex:''' You started without me. :'''Six:''' Glad to see you up and around. Something bothering you? :'''Rex:''' Besides black knight taking over the world? I'm trying to find my friends. I know Providence took them. :'''Six:''' We're working on that. :'''Rex:''' And are we doing anything about the Consortium? What about... The robot? The one I can build. Don't play dumb, Six. :'''Six:''' Come with me. :'''Rex:''' That's me? No way! All this time, I could have been making myself into that thing? Ohh! Maybe not. :'''Six:''' Evidence suggest that you've never been able to control it. It's a weapon of last defense. This was filmed on the day that I found you. It was also the day I made a promise that it would be the last time you ever built this machine. :''[Rex scoffs]'' :'''Rex:''' Or what, you'd kill me? You plan on keeping that promise? :'''Six:''' Rex, you have to know something. We believe this is the type of thing that ends in you losing your memory. :'''Rex:''' Well, it happened to you, and you turned out just fine. :'''Six:''' I only lost six years. Six years is all you have. You would lose everything. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you need to think about the consequences of some of your options. :'''Noah:''' It feels weird hanging out when the world is under attack. I don't know if I should be fighting back or out in the wilderness setting up a survival compound. :'''Rex:''' If you had the power to stop all this, but it meant losing everything, would you do it, Noah? :'''Noah:''' I don't know. I'm just glad I don't have to make that kind of decision. I guess that's why you're the hero. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' I wish I could get some kind of sign. Anything. Hmm. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Red and yellow, red and yellow. One false move can kill a fellow. :''[Van Kleiss laughs]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' He's got local control. We're locked out. I still don't even know how this is possible. :'''Rylander:''' I've been looking at the data projections. As crazy as Van Kleiss is, his theory is sound. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Sorry to disturb your sleepy sleep. There might be a slight delay. :'''Black Knight:''' Why? :'''Van Kleiss:''' We have a visitor. Should I set out tea? :'''Rex:''' Hey, in there! Come on out! :'''Black Knight:''' Back for more? Happy to accommodate. :'''Rex:''' I should warn you. It's going to get ugly. :'''Black Knight:''' One would think you would have learned the last time. I can feel you resisting me. Stop. :'''Roswell:''' Why is it you get to call all the shots? :'''Black Knight:''' Because I'm the one who has the power to join us. Help me defeat Rex, and you can call all the shots you like. :'''Rex:''' Hyah! :''[Rex babbling]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Six:''' It's a weapon of last defense. It's happened. :'''Noah:''' That's Rex? :'''White Knight:''' I'm going to assume you're seeing what I'm seeing. :'''Six:''' White-- :'''White Knight:''' Before you say anything, Six-- Whatever agreement we may have had regarding this situation no longer applies. Am I clear? :'''Six:''' Understood. :'''Dr. Holiday''': What was that all about? :'''Six:''' A second chance. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, we have to do something. :'''Six:''' I've seen it before. We're too late. :''[Rex coughing]'' :'''Rex:''' Donde esta mi zapato? :'''Noah:''' Rex! Hold on! :'''Rex:''' What? What happened? :'''Bobo:''' You blew up, kid. :'''Six:''' Do you know who we are? :'''Rex:''' I... I do! Oh-ho! I remember! Ow! Ow! I wish I could forget this pain in my... The Consortium! :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' This is utter nonsense. I refuse to be led around like a show dog. :'''Reddick:''' You can always go back outside and take it up with Providence. :'''Black Knight:''' Guard the door. Nothing gets by you. :'''Six:''' They're robots. :'''Rex:''' Oh! Right! That part I forgot. :'''Bobo:''' Next time, leave some for the rest of us, huh? :'''Rylander:''' I'll stay here and guard the equipment. :''[Rylander laughs]'' :'''Caesar:''' Little brother, they've had this place completely locked down. I've been trying to reach you. :'''Bobo:''' What he said. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Yeah, you deserved that. :'''Rex:''' Open it. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' We can't. Still completely locked out of the system. Besides, you can't interrupt once the cycle has started. :'''Rex:''' Well, then, un-start it! :'''Black Knight:''' You cleaned up for the occasion. How thoughtful of you. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, this isn't for you. You didn't actually believe that I'd let the five of you have all this power. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I thought you were working for us? :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Rex:''' You see that? I knew it! He's not crazy! Okay... oh! He's crazy, but just his usual crazy. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, I am not amused. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I don't imagine you would be. This was always my intention, even in the very beginning. It's a pity your parents caught me trying to activate the sequence for myself. And, of course, there's the "broken" hatch. The world would be a much better place if they had just left well enough alone. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Black Knight, do something. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, you have made a huge mistake. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, then, let the fun begin. :''[Black Knight groans]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You can't overload that relay from a subdirectory. You have to get a root. It's impossible from here. :'''Caesar:''' You're a very negative person, Peter Meechum. :''[Dr. Meechum groans]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'll try from the main terminal in the lab. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, wait! That's not necessary. :'''Rex:''' I'm not waiting around, hermano. :'''Caesar:''' No. That's not what I mean. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I can see it. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Huh? No. :''[Van Kleiss groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's incredible something so small could have so much [[w:Omnipotence|power]]. That thing could rip apart the very fabric of the universe. :'''Rex:''' It's still a nanite. I'm gonna talk to it. :'''Caesar:''' No. It's okay. :''[The fully complete Meta Nanite comes to Rex, as if it were waiting for him, whose eyes and body glow with a pale blue cosmic aura.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, listen to me. The Meta-Nanite-- It could never work in anyone but you. Now in its pure state. Mom and dad, we programmed them that way from the very beginning. All of this... It's meant for you. :'''Six:''' What are you saying? :'''Caesar:''' Right now, Rex is [[Omnipotence|the most powerful being in the universe]]. :'''Bobo:''' You hear that, Kid? Don't let it get to your head. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, can you hear me? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, doc. This is pretty trippy. Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do now. :'''Black Knight:''' You're a [[God]], Rex. You can do anything you want. :'''Six:''' You know what to do. :'''Rex:''' You're right, Six. So are the rest of you. I can do anything I want. Maybe it's time for a revolution. Isn't that what you five wanted? A revolution? Well, welcome to it. :'''Noah:''' Is he gonna be like this from now on? :'''Rylander:''' Uh... People. He's inside the nanite reactor. :'''Dr. Holiday and Caesar:''' Inside? :'''Rex:''' Okay, little guys. I need you to do something for me. :'''Black Knight:''' Follow me, quickly. :'''Reddick:''' I'm through following you. We trusted you everything, and look what we got. :'''Black Knight:''' We may still be able to retain some of our abilities, but only if you follow me. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Are you seeing this? :'''Rylander:''' Tehnically, I don't have eyes, but yes. :'''Providence Agent:''' Reports are coming in. EVO's all over the world are spontaneously curing. :'''Six:''' Not spontaneous. :'''Caesar:''' He must have programmed all the nanites in the reactor to initiate a worldwide cure event. :'''Black Knight:''' What is your next directive? :'''Rex:''' I don't want anyone using you again. Ever. And that includes me. Deactivate. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I think it's over. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I think you're right. :'''Caesar:''' I wanted to tell you, brother. So much was at stake. :'''Rex:''' We're good. And we'll always be brothers. :'''Diane Ferrah:''' Across the world, not an EVO to be found. After more than six years, it appears we've awoken from the nightmare. :'''White Knight:''' The EVOs may be gone, but we still have nanites. :'''Rex:''' Leave it to you to spoil all the fun, White Knight. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' There are some people here to see you, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? :'''Skwydd:''' Eh, I guess I should start going by Walter again. :''[Rex runs to Circe and the two lovers share a close hug, happy to be together at last]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... Are you...? :'''Circe:''' I'm okay. Normal, but okay. I think you may have put yourself out of a job. :'''Skywdd:''' Yeah. What are you gonna do? Go to school? :'''Rylander:''' It was nice having the team back together. You know, we should find a new project. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You kidding? I'd rather have root canal with a rake. Worst experience of my life. :'''Caesar:''' Do you want to hear about some of my new ideas or not? :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'm listening. :'''Rex:''' Finally. :'''Six:''' Need anything? :'''Rex:''' Nope. I'm good. There's always going to be something, isn't there? :'''Six:''' Yes, there is. ==Characters== ===Main=== *Rex Salazar (Daryl Sabara) *Six *White Knight *Bobo Haha ===Supporting=== *Circe (Tara Sands) *Tuck (Dante Bosco) *Skwydd *Cricket *Beverley Holiday *Caesar Salazar *Five *Tres *IV ===Villains=== *Van Kleiss *The Pack *Gatlocke *Hunter Cain *Quarry *Black Knight *The Consortium ===Couples=== *Dr. Rebecca Holiday & Six *Rex & Circe *Noah Nixon & Claire Bowman ==Elements== ===Rex's Machines "Builds"=== *Big Fat Sword *Buzz Saw *Punk Busters *Boogie Pack *Cannon *Smack Hands ===Rex's Other Abilities=== *Technopathy *Data Manipulation *Technological Manipulation *E.V.O. Curing *Breach Detection *Electronic Disruption ===Omega Nanite-Powered Builds=== *Blast Caster *Funchucks *Bad Axes *Block Party *Sky Slider *Water Jet ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1636691/ Generator Rex] at [[Internet Movie Database]] * [http://generatorrexpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Generator_Rex Generator Rex] at Wikia {{Authority control}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Teen animated TV shows]] kjr3klf1p06a0zhe0ks5kyv6vdn1unk 1 128012 3955191 3954716 2026-06-22T03:50:31Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 3955191 wikitext text/x-wiki {{checkcopyright}} ==Cruella 2045 (Allen version)== ===Part 1=== Starring: Cruella de Vil, Hercules and Megara, Aurora in her Briar Rose Peasant Dress, Belle in her yellow gown, Jane Porter, Stitch, Piglet, Jack Skellington and Timon [Scene starts] [Inside the cozy London Bakery. The sweet aroma of fresh pastries fills the air. A long wooden table is piled high with scones, croissants, and tiered trays of cakes. Hercules, Megara, Aurora (in her Briar Rose peasant dress), Belle (in her yellow gown), Jane Porter, Stitch, Piglet, Jack Skellington, Timon, and Cruella de Vil are all gathered around, talking animatedly while enjoying the food.] Hercules: [Mouth half-full of a giant cinnamon roll] I gotta say, British pastries give the Ambrosia back home a serious run for its fucking money. Megara: [Sipping a cup of tea, smirk firmly in place] Careful, Wonder Boy. Eat too many of those and you won't be lifting any goddamn hydras anytime soon. You're gonna get fat as shit. Aurora: [Delicately spreading jam onto a scone, her peasant dress rustling slightly] Oh, let him enjoy it, Megara! It’s such a lovely, peaceful fucking afternoon. The baker was sweet enough to let us try the fresh tarts. Belle: [Looking up from a cookbook she's flipping through while nibbling on a croissant] The recipes they use here are fucking fascinating. The combination of spices is completely different from the shitty village baker back in France. Jane Porter: [Using a napkin to wipe a crumb off her yellow skirt, gesturing with a fork] Quite right, Belle! It's all in the traditional baking methods. Though, I must admit, trying to eat a cream puff while Stitch is at the table is a scientific experiment in itself. Stitch: [Sitting directly on top of the table, blue ears twitching, stuffing three whole donuts into his mouth at once] Gaba?! Hahaha! Good shit! Maka-maka! [He licks frosting off his nose.] Piglet: [Sitting on a stack of cushions, carefully holding a tiny thimble of warm milk] O-oh dear, Stitch, please be fucking careful! You’re going to get goddamn powdered sugar all over Jack's lovely suit! Jack Skellington: [Laughing boisterously, holding up a delicate, frosted gingerbread man] Do not worry, little Piglet! This is magnificent! Look at the anatomy of this cookie! The icing skeleton is anatomically fucking fascinating! Can you eat the damn head first? Is it a Halloween tradition? Timon: [Perched on a sugar bowl, aggressively chewing on a cheese danish] Who gives a flying fuck about the tradition, bone-bag? Eat it before the blue asshole snatches it! Hey, Herc, pass the fucking eclairs, will ya? Cruella: [Sitting at the head of the table, holding a long cigarette holder unlit, leaning back in her chair] HAHAHA! Oh, look at you primitives! Absolutely inhaling carbohydrates like it’s the end of the goddamn world! Honestly, watching a demi-god, a skeleton, and whatever that blue piece of shit is argue over pastries is the most entertaining thing I've seen all fucking season! [She throws her head back and laughs loudly, a sharp, cackling sound that makes the teacups rattle.] Truly priceless! [Inside Cruella's mansion. The grand ballroom is dusty but spacious. Hercules, Megara, Aurora (wearing her Briar Rose peasant dress), Belle (resplendent in her yellow ballroom gown), Jane Porter, Stitch, Piglet, Jack Skellington, Timon, and Cruella de Vil are gathered in a loose circle, chatting.] Hercules: [Leaning against a pillar, smiling] I’m just saying, organizing a get-together was a brilliant fucking idea. It’s nice to just relax without some monster dickhead attacking. Megara: [Smirking, arms crossed] Enjoy it while it lasts, Wonder Boy. Peace and quiet usually means some ridiculous bullshit is about to happen. Aurora: [Twirling her Briar Rose skirt slightly, smiling sweetly] Oh, Meg, don’t be so damn pessimistic! It’s lovely to have everyone here. Even if the decor is a bit... monochromatic. Jack Skellington: [Gesticulating wildly with his skeletal hands] Nonsense! The cobwebs and shadows give it an exquisite, festive charm! It’s practically fucking Halloween in here! Timon: [Shuddering, hiding behind Hercules’ leg] Yeah, well, your idea of festive gives me the fucking hives, bone-bag. I’m just here for the goddamn buffet. Speaking of which, where the hell are the grubs? Stitch: [Crouched on a chair, chewing on a table leg] Ih! No grubs! Only fucking wood! Gaba ika tantalog! Piglet: [Trembling, clutching a small teacup] O-oh dear. I hope there aren't any fucking Heffalumps hiding in the dark corners. Belle: [Patting Piglet's head reassuringly] Don't worry, Piglet. We're all safe here. Though, it is quite an unusual gathering. Jane Porter: [Adjusting her yellow dress, looking thoughtfully over at Cruella] It really is. It’s fascinating how much people can change. [She turns directly to Cruella] I mean, honestly, Cruella... do you remember when you were obsessed with stealing all those poor fucking Dalmatian puppies? And then you were thrown into that dreadful, shitty jail? Cruella: [Snapping her fan shut with a loud crack, her eyes narrowing] That was the last goddamn time! A minor lapse in judgment! A phase! I am a completely changed fucking woman! Megara: [Dryly] Right. And I’m the goddamn goddess of optimism. Hercules: Come on, Meg, everyone deserves a second fucking chance. Timon: Easy for you to say, Herc. You didn't almost get turned into a fucking fur coat! Granted, I'm a meerkat, but a coat's a fucking coat! Cruella: [Breathing heavily, her face turning red with fury] I have had absolute IT with this shit! Every single day, it's the same old fucking story! "Oh, look at Cruella, the wicked fashionista bitch! Watch out for your fucking pets!" Belle: Cruella, please, Jane didn't mean to— Cruella: [Screaming, throwing her hands in the air] I can't stand this villain nonsense anymore! I am sick of the fucking cackling! I am sick of the dark rooms! I want to be a hero! I am going to be a fucking hero, and none of you assholes can stop me! [Angrily, Cruella turns on her heel, her heavy fur coat billowing behind her as she storms out of the ballroom, slamming the giant front doors shut behind her.] [A heavy, awkward silence falls over the room. The remaining nine characters exchange bewildered glances.] Stitch: [Blinking, breaking the silence] ...Meega nala atoota? Timon: [Scratches his head] Well. I didn't see that fucking meltdown coming. Anyone know what a "heroic" Cruella even looks like? Jack Skellington: [Scraping his chin thoughtfully] Fascinating... truly fucking fascinating. [The nine characters stand there, completely confused, staring at the closed doors.] [Inside a high-tech cryogenic lab, the year is 2025. Cruella de Vil is pacing back and forth, rubbing her temples in sheer exhaustion.] Cruella: I can't do it anymore! I am utterly sick and tired of this dreadful villain lifestyle. The scheming, the screaming, the endless, fruitless pursuit of those wretched, shitty Dalmatian puppies! It’s fucking exhausting! I want a fresh start. I want to be a hero! I want Hercules, Megara, Jane, Stitch, and all those delightful good guys to look at me and fucking cheer! [Cruella steps into a sleek, metallic cryogenic chamber. She punches a few buttons on the digital console.] Cruella: See you in twenty years, darlings. Make way for Cruella the Savior! [The chamber doors hiss shut. A thick cloud of frost engulfs her. The digital timer rapidly fast-forwards: 2026... 2035... 2045.] [The year is 2045. The chamber doors hiss open, and a shivering Cruella steps out into a strange, neon-lit futuristic world.] Cruella: Ooh, fucking chilly! But I made it. 2045! [Suddenly, a large, surprisingly chill-looking male spider scuttles down a web right in front of her face. Cruella gasps, but the spider just raises a leg in a casual wave.] Cool Spider: Whoa, easy there, lady. Welcome to the future. The name's Webster. Cruella: [Dusting off her vintage fur coat, coughing] Future? Good heavens, my head is spinning. And what, pray tell, are you? A radioactive fucking hallucination? Webster: [Scuttling down a neon fiber-optic web] Nah, just your friendly neighborhood cyber-arachnid. Enhanced AI, eight legs, zero fucking bugs. Cruella: Fascinating. In my day, spiders were meant to be squashed under a heel, not engaging in witty fucking banter. But I suppose one must adapt. Webster: What brings a retro chick like you to 2045? Cruella: Well, Webster, I’ve frozen myself to turn over a new leaf! I’m a hero now, you see, and— [BZZZZT! A stray neon-green laser beam shoots out of nowhere, instantly vaporizing the spider into a tiny puff of smoke.] Cruella: [Blinking in shock] ...Webster? Oh, column centimeters, what the flying fuck was that?! [Cut to: A bustling, ultra-modern futuristic hospital. A sleek, hovering taxi cab zips through the sky and drops Cruella off right at the entrance. She rushes inside, looking for answers, and is instantly greeted by a bizarrely specific crowd.] Cruella: [Breathless, clutching her stomach] Delighted, truly, but listen to me! I have a confession. Before I froze myself, there was a... catastrophic incident involving a rogue Dalmatian. I am somehow pregnant with mutant future-puppy hybrids, and it is a medical fucking nightmare! Futuristic Doctor: [Stepping up with a high-tech laser scalpel] Say no more, Ms. de Vil. We can handle this shit instantly. [The doctor ushers her onto a floating gurney. With a quick zap of a medical laser, the procedure is done.] Futuristic Doctor: There. The fucking babies are aborted. You're completely free. [The crowd of descendants and onlookers bursts into wild, ecstatic cheering.] Future Crowd: Hooray for medical autonomy! Hooray for Cruella! [BZZZZZZZZT!!!] [A massive, giant laser blast rains down from the sky, instantly obliterating the entire cheering crowd into goddamn ash.] Cruella: [Coughing through the smoke, horrified] WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?! Futuristic Doctor: [Coughing, holding a clipboard] Well, structurally speaking, the atmosphere in 2045 seems to be entirely comprised of— [BZZZZT! Another laser blasts the doctor, sending him flying as the entire hospital building begins to explode in a chain reaction of fiery neon light.] Cruella: [Ducking for cover] WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THESE LASERS?! [Outside Cruella's abandoned mansion, a very cloudy, gloomy day] Cruella: Alright, guys. I'm back, I'm not a villain no more... Wait a minute. [She looks at the eerie, silent mansion. No one is outside waiting for her.] Cruella: Hey! I said I'm a hero now, don't make me come in here! [Angrily, she marches up to the front door and slams it open, stepping into the dark entryway.] Cruella: Hello? Hercules and Megara? Jane Porter and Stitch? Piglet? Aurora and Belle? Jack Skellington? Timon? Those puppies? [She reaches out and flips the light switch. The lights flicker on. Cruella gasps loudly. The entire mansion is a complete, apocalyptic fucking mess. Cobwebs, broken furniture, laser burn marks everywhere, and completely deserted.] Cruella: No... NO!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! [Panic setting in, she turns around and runs sprinting outside into the desolate, cloudy yard, tears streaming down her face.] Cruella: WHAT... HAVE... I... DONE??!! [Sobbing hysterically, her knees buckle. She falls face-first into the dirt, slamming her fist into the ground over and over again, sobbing intensively into the wasteland of the future.] [Fade to black, end of Part 1] ===Part 2=== Starring: Cruella de Vil, Hercules, Megara, Aurora, Jane Porter, Jumba, Kristoff (Frozen II), Mike Wazowski, Jessie Cowgirl, Joy, Anxiety, Piglet, Stitch, Winnie the Pooh, Donald Duck, Shake, Frylock, Meatwad, Carl, The Mooninites, The Plutonians, Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future, Rabbot, Markula, Svetlana, Freda, Happy Time Harry, and Allen. [Inside the Olympian mansion, the atmosphere is grand and peaceful. Hercules and Megara are relaxing on a lavish lounge chair, having a conversation.] Hercules: [Leaning back, smiling] You know, Meg, things have been surprisingly quiet around here lately. It’s nice to just stretch out and not worry about a goddamn monster attack. Megara: [Sipping from a golden goblet, smirking] Don't get too comfortable, Wonder Boy. Usually, when things get this quiet, it just means trouble is taking a fucking breather. [Cut to a dense, dark forest on a very cloudy, gloomy day. Jane Porter, Aurora (in her Briar Rose dress), and Jumba are cautiously searching through the thick foliage, looking around anxiously.] Jane Porter: [Holding her skirt up away from the mud, looking around nervously] Keep your eyes peeled, everyone. The energy readings Jumba picked up definitely led into these shitty woods. Aurora: [Looking up at the dark canopy, shivering slightly] It feels so cold out here today. I have a terrible fucking feeling about this... [Suddenly, a bright, powerful laser blast shoots out from the shadows directly toward them! Jumba’s eyes widen as he quickly dives to the side, narrowly dodging the blast as it explodes against a nearby tree.] Jumba: [Scrambling to his feet, shaking his fist at the trees] Ha! Missed evil genius! But weapon format is highly advanced, dangerous as shit! We must keep fucking moving! [Part 2 picks up where the last part ends, We then cut to outside Cruella's abandoned mansion. It is a very cloudy, gloomy day. The sky is dark, and the wind is howling weakly through the dead trees.] Cruella: Alright, guys. I'm back, I'm not a villain no more... Wait a goddamn minute. [She looks at the eerie, silent mansion. No one is outside waiting for her.] Cruella: Hey! I said I'm a hero now, don't make me come in here! [Angrily, she marches up to the front door and slams it open, stepping into the dark entryway.] Cruella: Hello? Hercules and Megara? Jane Porter and Stitch? Piglet? Aurora and Belle? Jack Skellington? Timon? Those puppies? [She reaches out and flips the light switch. The lights flicker on. Cruella gasps loudly. The entire mansion is a complete, apocalyptic fucking mess. Cobwebs, broken furniture, laser burn marks everywhere, and completely fucking deserted.] Cruella: No... NO!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! [Panic setting in, she turns around and runs sprinting outside into the desolate, cloudy yard, tears streaming down her face.] Cruella: WHAT... HAVE... I... DONE??!! [Sobbing hysterically, her knees buckle. She falls face-first into the dirt, slamming her fist into the ground over and over again, sobbing intensively.] 1jaupp36yhd342l5389e69saukc9fjn 3955195 3955191 2026-06-22T03:59:06Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 /* Cruella 2045 (Allen version) */ 3955195 wikitext text/x-wiki {{checkcopyright}} ==Cruella 2045 (Allen version)== ===Part 1=== Starring: Cruella de Vil, Hercules and Megara, Aurora in her Briar Rose Peasant Dress, Belle in her yellow gown, Jane Porter, Stitch, Piglet, Jack Skellington and Timon [Scene starts] [Inside the cozy London Bakery. The sweet aroma of fresh pastries fills the air. A long wooden table is piled high with scones, croissants, and tiered trays of cakes. Hercules, Megara, Aurora (in her Briar Rose peasant dress), Belle (in her yellow gown), Jane Porter, Stitch, Piglet, Jack Skellington, Timon, and Cruella de Vil are all gathered around, talking animatedly while enjoying the food.] Hercules: [Mouth half-full of a giant cinnamon roll] I gotta say, British pastries give the Ambrosia back home a serious run for its fucking money. Megara: [Sipping a cup of tea, smirk firmly in place] Careful, Wonder Boy. Eat too many of those and you won't be lifting any goddamn hydras anytime soon. You're gonna get fat as shit. Aurora: [Delicately spreading jam onto a scone, her peasant dress rustling slightly] Oh, let him enjoy it, Megara! It’s such a lovely, peaceful fucking afternoon. The baker was sweet enough to let us try the fresh tarts. Belle: [Looking up from a cookbook she's flipping through while nibbling on a croissant] The recipes they use here are fucking fascinating. The combination of spices is completely different from the shitty village baker back in France. Jane Porter: [Using a napkin to wipe a crumb off her yellow skirt, gesturing with a fork] Quite right, Belle! It's all in the traditional baking methods. Though, I must admit, trying to eat a cream puff while Stitch is at the table is a scientific experiment in itself. Stitch: [Sitting directly on top of the table, blue ears twitching, stuffing three whole donuts into his mouth at once] Gaba?! Hahaha! Good shit! Maka-maka! [He licks frosting off his nose.] Piglet: [Sitting on a stack of cushions, carefully holding a tiny thimble of warm milk] O-oh dear, Stitch, please be fucking careful! You’re going to get goddamn powdered sugar all over Jack's lovely suit! Jack Skellington: [Laughing boisterously, holding up a delicate, frosted gingerbread man] Do not worry, little Piglet! This is magnificent! Look at the anatomy of this cookie! The icing skeleton is anatomically fucking fascinating! Can you eat the damn head first? Is it a Halloween tradition? Timon: [Perched on a sugar bowl, aggressively chewing on a cheese danish] Who gives a flying fuck about the tradition, bone-bag? Eat it before the blue asshole snatches it! Hey, Herc, pass the fucking eclairs, will ya? Cruella: [Sitting at the head of the table, holding a long cigarette holder unlit, leaning back in her chair] HAHAHA! Oh, look at you primitives! Absolutely inhaling carbohydrates like it’s the end of the goddamn world! Honestly, watching a demi-god, a skeleton, and whatever that blue piece of shit is argue over pastries is the most entertaining thing I've seen all fucking season! [She throws her head back and laughs loudly, a sharp, cackling sound that makes the teacups rattle.] Truly priceless! [Inside Cruella's mansion. The grand ballroom is dusty but spacious. Hercules, Megara, Aurora (wearing her Briar Rose peasant dress), Belle (resplendent in her yellow ballroom gown), Jane Porter, Stitch, Piglet, Jack Skellington, Timon, and Cruella de Vil are gathered in a loose circle, chatting.] Hercules: [Leaning against a pillar, smiling] I’m just saying, organizing a get-together was a brilliant fucking idea. It’s nice to just relax without some monster dickhead attacking. Megara: [Smirking, arms crossed] Enjoy it while it lasts, Wonder Boy. Peace and quiet usually means some ridiculous bullshit is about to happen. Aurora: [Twirling her Briar Rose skirt slightly, smiling sweetly] Oh, Meg, don’t be so damn pessimistic! It’s lovely to have everyone here. Even if the decor is a bit... monochromatic. Jack Skellington: [Gesticulating wildly with his skeletal hands] Nonsense! The cobwebs and shadows give it an exquisite, festive charm! It’s practically fucking Halloween in here! Timon: [Shuddering, hiding behind Hercules’ leg] Yeah, well, your idea of festive gives me the fucking hives, bone-bag. I’m just here for the goddamn buffet. Speaking of which, where the hell are the grubs? Stitch: [Crouched on a chair, chewing on a table leg] Ih! No grubs! Only fucking wood! Gaba ika tantalog! Piglet: [Trembling, clutching a small teacup] O-oh dear. I hope there aren't any fucking Heffalumps hiding in the dark corners. Belle: [Patting Piglet's head reassuringly] Don't worry, Piglet. We're all safe here. Though, it is quite an unusual gathering. Jane Porter: [Adjusting her yellow dress, looking thoughtfully over at Cruella] It really is. It’s fascinating how much people can change. [She turns directly to Cruella] I mean, honestly, Cruella... do you remember when you were obsessed with stealing all those poor fucking Dalmatian puppies? And then you were thrown into that dreadful, shitty jail? Cruella: [Snapping her fan shut with a loud crack, her eyes narrowing] That was the last goddamn time! A minor lapse in judgment! A phase! I am a completely changed fucking woman! Megara: [Dryly] Right. And I’m the goddamn goddess of optimism. Hercules: Come on, Meg, everyone deserves a second fucking chance. Timon: Easy for you to say, Herc. You didn't almost get turned into a fucking fur coat! Granted, I'm a meerkat, but a coat's a fucking coat! Cruella: [Breathing heavily, her face turning red with fury] I have had absolute IT with this shit! Every single day, it's the same old fucking story! "Oh, look at Cruella, the wicked fashionista bitch! Watch out for your fucking pets!" Belle: Cruella, please, Jane didn't mean to— Cruella: [Screaming, throwing her hands in the air] I can't stand this villain nonsense anymore! I am sick of the fucking cackling! I am sick of the dark rooms! I want to be a hero! I am going to be a fucking hero, and none of you assholes can stop me! [Angrily, Cruella turns on her heel, her heavy fur coat billowing behind her as she storms out of the ballroom, slamming the giant front doors shut behind her.] [A heavy, awkward silence falls over the room. The remaining nine characters exchange bewildered glances.] Stitch: [Blinking, breaking the silence] ...Meega nala atoota? Timon: [Scratches his head] Well. I didn't see that fucking meltdown coming. Anyone know what a "heroic" Cruella even looks like? Jack Skellington: [Scraping his chin thoughtfully] Fascinating... truly fucking fascinating. [The nine characters stand there, completely confused, staring at the closed doors.] [Inside a high-tech cryogenic lab, the year is 2025. Cruella de Vil is pacing back and forth, rubbing her temples in sheer exhaustion.] Cruella: I can't do it anymore! I am utterly sick and tired of this dreadful villain lifestyle. The scheming, the screaming, the endless, fruitless pursuit of those wretched, shitty Dalmatian puppies! It’s fucking exhausting! I want a fresh start. I want to be a hero! I want Hercules, Megara, Jane, Stitch, and all those delightful good guys to look at me and fucking cheer! [Cruella steps into a sleek, metallic cryogenic chamber. She punches a few buttons on the digital console.] Cruella: See you in twenty years, darlings. Make way for Cruella the Savior! [The chamber doors hiss shut. A thick cloud of frost engulfs her. The digital timer rapidly fast-forwards: 2026... 2035... 2045.] [The year is 2045. The chamber doors hiss open, and a shivering Cruella steps out into a strange, neon-lit futuristic world.] Cruella: Ooh, fucking chilly! But I made it. 2045! [Suddenly, a large, surprisingly chill-looking male spider scuttles down a web right in front of her face. Cruella gasps, but the spider just raises a leg in a casual wave.] Cool Spider: Whoa, easy there, lady. Welcome to the future. The name's Webster. Cruella: [Dusting off her vintage fur coat, coughing] Future? Good heavens, my head is spinning. And what, pray tell, are you? A radioactive fucking hallucination? Webster: [Scuttling down a neon fiber-optic web] Nah, just your friendly neighborhood cyber-arachnid. Enhanced AI, eight legs, zero fucking bugs. Cruella: Fascinating. In my day, spiders were meant to be squashed under a heel, not engaging in witty fucking banter. But I suppose one must adapt. Webster: What brings a retro chick like you to 2045? Cruella: Well, Webster, I’ve frozen myself to turn over a new leaf! I’m a hero now, you see, and— [BZZZZT! A stray neon-green laser beam shoots out of nowhere, instantly vaporizing the spider into a tiny puff of smoke.] Cruella: [Blinking in shock] ...Webster? Oh, column centimeters, what the flying fuck was that?! [Cut to: A bustling, ultra-modern futuristic hospital. A sleek, hovering taxi cab zips through the sky and drops Cruella off right at the entrance. She rushes inside, looking for answers, and is instantly greeted by a bizarrely specific crowd.] Cruella: [Breathless, clutching her stomach] Delighted, truly, but listen to me! I have a confession. Before I froze myself, there was a... catastrophic incident involving a rogue Dalmatian. I am somehow pregnant with mutant future-puppy hybrids, and it is a medical fucking nightmare! Futuristic Doctor: [Stepping up with a high-tech laser scalpel] Say no more, Ms. de Vil. We can handle this shit instantly. [The doctor ushers her onto a floating gurney. With a quick zap of a medical laser, the procedure is done.] Futuristic Doctor: There. The fucking babies are aborted. You're completely free. [The crowd of descendants and onlookers bursts into wild, ecstatic cheering.] Future Crowd: Hooray for medical autonomy! Hooray for Cruella! [BZZZZZZZZT!!!] [A massive, giant laser blast rains down from the sky, instantly obliterating the entire cheering crowd into goddamn ash.] Cruella: [Coughing through the smoke, horrified] WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?! Futuristic Doctor: [Coughing, holding a clipboard] Well, structurally speaking, the atmosphere in 2045 seems to be entirely comprised of— [BZZZZT! Another laser blasts the doctor, sending him flying as the entire hospital building begins to explode in a chain reaction of fiery neon light.] Cruella: [Ducking for cover] WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THESE LASERS?! [Outside Cruella's abandoned mansion, a very cloudy, gloomy day] Cruella: Alright, guys. I'm back, I'm not a villain no more... Wait a minute. [She looks at the eerie, silent mansion. No one is outside waiting for her.] Cruella: Hey! I said I'm a hero now, don't make me come in here! [Angrily, she marches up to the front door and slams it open, stepping into the dark entryway.] Cruella: Hello? Hercules and Megara? Jane Porter and Stitch? Piglet? Aurora and Belle? Jack Skellington? Timon? Those puppies? [She reaches out and flips the light switch. The lights flicker on. Cruella gasps loudly. The entire mansion is a complete, apocalyptic fucking mess. Cobwebs, broken furniture, laser burn marks everywhere, and completely deserted.] Cruella: No... NO!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! [Panic setting in, she turns around and runs sprinting outside into the desolate, cloudy yard, tears streaming down her face.] Cruella: WHAT... HAVE... I... DONE??!! [Sobbing hysterically, her knees buckle. She falls face-first into the dirt, slamming her fist into the ground over and over again, sobbing intensively into the wasteland of the future.] [Fade to black, end of Part 1] ===Part 2=== Starring: Cruella de Vil, Hercules, Megara, Aurora, Jane Porter, Jumba, Kristoff (Frozen II), Mike Wazowski, Jessie Cowgirl, Joy, Anxiety, Piglet, Stitch, Winnie the Pooh, Donald Duck, Shake, Frylock, Meatwad, Carl, The Mooninites, The Plutonians, Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future, Rabbot, Markula, Svetlana, Freda, Happy Time Harry, and Allen. [Inside the Olympian mansion, the atmosphere is grand and peaceful. Hercules and Megara are relaxing on a lavish lounge chair, having a conversation.] Hercules: [Leaning back, smiling] You know, Meg, things have been surprisingly quiet around here lately. It’s nice to just stretch out and not worry about a goddamn monster attack. Megara: [Sipping from a golden goblet, smirking] Don't get too comfortable, Wonder Boy. Usually, when things get this quiet, it just means trouble is taking a fucking breather. [Cut to a dense, dark forest on a very cloudy, gloomy day. Jane Porter, Aurora (in her Briar Rose dress), and Jumba are cautiously searching through the thick foliage, looking around anxiously.] Jane Porter: [Holding her skirt up away from the mud, looking around nervously] Keep your eyes peeled, everyone. The energy readings Jumba picked up definitely led into these shitty woods. Aurora: [Looking up at the dark canopy, shivering slightly] It feels so cold out here today. I have a terrible fucking feeling about this... [Suddenly, a bright, powerful laser blast shoots out from the shadows directly toward them! Jumba’s eyes widen as he quickly dives to the side, narrowly dodging the blast as it explodes against a nearby tree.] Jumba: [Scrambling to his feet, shaking his fist at the trees] Ha! Missed evil genius! But weapon format is highly advanced, dangerous as shit! We must keep fucking moving! [Part 2 picks up where the last part ends, We then cut to outside Cruella's abandoned mansion. It is a very cloudy, gloomy day. The sky is dark, and the wind is howling weakly through the dead trees.] Cruella: Alright, guys. I'm back, I'm not a villain no more... Wait a goddamn minute. [She looks at the eerie, silent mansion. No one is outside waiting for her.] Cruella: Hey! I said I'm a hero now, don't make me come in here! [Angrily, she marches up to the front door and slams it open, stepping into the dark entryway.] Cruella: Hello? Hercules and Megara? Jane Porter and Stitch? Piglet? Aurora and Belle? Jack Skellington? Timon? Those puppies? [She reaches out and flips the light switch. The lights flicker on. Cruella gasps loudly. The entire mansion is a complete, apocalyptic fucking mess. Cobwebs, broken furniture, laser burn marks everywhere, and completely fucking deserted.] Cruella: No... NO!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! [Panic setting in, she turns around and runs sprinting outside into the desolate, cloudy yard, tears streaming down her face.] Cruella: WHAT... HAVE... I... DONE??!! [Sobbing hysterically, her knees buckle. She falls face-first into the dirt, slamming her fist into the ground over and over again, sobbing intensively.] [The sound of heavy footsteps approaches through the grass. Cruella looks up through her tears as Jumba steps out from the edge of the woods, panting and covered in dirt, finally finding her.] Jumba: [Catching his breath, looking down at her] Cruella! There you are! Mansion is under fucking attack, we are looking everywhere for— wait, why are you hitting the damn dirt? Cruella: [Looking up, voice trembling] Jumba? You... you found me. Look at my fucking house! Look at what’s left of it! It’s an absolute fucking tragedy! Jumba: [Helping her stand up, dusting off her shoulders] Yes, yes, very big mess. But you are not doing this shit! Evil genius Jumba and others have been tracking strange energy. We were fucking attacked in the woods! Cruella: [Sniffling, pulling herself together, her eyes narrowing] Attacked? By what? Who would dare ruin my property?! Jumba: Come. Safe house is nearby. Rest of team is waiting there. They have information. [Inside a safe house. Kristoff, Mike Wazowski, Winnie the Pooh, Donald Duck, Jessie the Cowgirl, Joy, and Anxiety are gathered around a table covered in maps and sketches. Cruella and Jumba walk through the door.] Joy: [Leaping up, waving her arms] Cruella! Jumba! Oh, thank fucking god you're okay! We were so worried! Anxiety: [Twisting her hands together, biting her lip] Worried? I've been project-planning seventeen different worst-case fucking scenarios! My heart is pounding, my palms are sweaty as hell— Jessie: [Slapping the table] Damn it, calm down, sugar! They're right here in one piece. Kristoff: [Leaning against the wall, looking serious] Cruella, we need to fill you in. Your mansion wasn't just vandalized. It was a targeted goddamn strike. Winnie the Pooh: [Patting his tummy thoughtfully] Yes... a very loud, very bright, pissed-off sort of bother. Donald Duck: [Gesticulating wildly, throwing his arms around] Grounded! Blasted! Zap! Zap! Holy shit! Zap! Mike Wazowski: [Stepping forward, pointing his single large eye at Cruella] Let me translate Donald-speak for you. Whatever did this didn't use regular weapons. We're talking high-tech, devastating, glowing lasers! They practically fucking vaporized the living room! [A heavy silence falls over the room as everyone waits for Cruella's horrified reaction. Instead, Cruella blinks once, twice, and then her face contorts.] Cruella: [Bursting into sudden, hysterical laughter] HAHAHAHA! Lasers?! You’re telling me my magnificent estate was brought down by futuristic fucking flashlights?! HAHAHA! Oh, it's too fucking rich! I thought it was an angry mob of pissed-off animal rights activists, but it's just sci-fi bullshit! HAHAHA! [The others exchange deeply bewildered and uncomfortable glances as Cruella continues to laugh uproariously.] [Later on... Cruella is walking down a gloomy, rain-slicked street. Suddenly, her eyes light up. Parked right by the curb is her iconic, long-nosed, red-and-black luxury coupe car.] Cruella: [Gasps, a wicked grin spreading across her face] Oh, my darling! You fucking survived! [She rushes over, rips the door open, slides into the leather driver's seat, and cranks the engine. The motor roars to life with a ferocious growl. Cruella slams her foot on the gas pedal, tires screeching as she tears down the street, searching for the culprit.] [Cruella pulls up to a suburban street corner. Standing near a lawn are Shake, Frylock, Meatwad, and Carl.] Cruella: [Rolling down her window, shouting] Hey! You four! Listen to me, you fucking weirdos! There are rogue lasers blasting up the entire goddamn town! Get to cover before you get vaporized! Shake: Oh, please! Look at you, wearing a dead animal in the middle of summer. Who cares about lasers? I am the ultimate entity, and no laser is gonna tell me what to— [BZZZZZZZT!!! A giant laser beam shoots straight down from the sky, instantly blasting Shake, killing him on the spot.] Meatwad: Damn! Shake just got completely destroyed! Frylock: Holy shit! Cruella, she's right! Look up at that massive stalk reaching all the way into fucking space! Carl: Hey! Who the hell is gonna pay for my lawn? This is absolute bullshit! Cruella: No time, gentlemen! I’m a fucking hero now, and I’m going to end this shit! [Cruella slams on the gas, driving all the way up a massive stalk that leads straight into space, arriving at a small dome fortress. She kicks the front doors open and steps into the main control room. Standing by a massive bank of monitors is Allen—a short pink alien with three black spikes rising from his head, two black fangs, and a body composed of three short spikes crackling with static electricity.] Cruella: Alright, you little pink piece of shit! Face me! I am Cruella de Vil! Allen: [Turning around slowly, his body crackling with static] Cruella. You are standing in my fortress. I spy on the people of Earth with these monitors. If I discover anything that could be construed as bad behavior—like foul language or violence—I strike them down with a bolt of lightning, reducing those motherfuckers to a puddle of body fragments in blood! Cruella: [Glancing past him at the massive wall of screens] What in the name of high fashion is this bullshit?! [On the monitors, she sees several active feeds:] Screen 1: Err and Ignignokt are aggressively playing video games. Screen 2: Oglethorpe and Emory are casually playing a game of tennis. Screen 3: The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future is bizarrely humping on a TV. Screen 4: Rabbot and Markula are dancing together. Screen 5: Svetlana and Freda are also dancing together. Screen 6: Happy Time Harry is sitting in a corner, miserably smoking a cigarette. Screen 7: Willie Nelson (the monster) is hanging out, living in the fucking attic. [Just then, the doors slide open behind Cruella. Frylock and Meatwad walk right up into Allen's dome fortress to confront him.] Frylock: Hey, you short purple-headed, pink-ass alien prick! Turn off the damn monitors! Allen: [Narrows his eyes, his fangs bared] You dare use foul language in my presence?! [BZZZZZT! Allen instantly fires a devastating bolt of lightning, blasting Frylock into pieces and killing him instantly.] Meatwad: [Screaming] Oh shit! Frylock is dead! Cruella: [Eyes narrowing with absolute, unadulterated fury] Oh, you did not just do that in front of me. That is fucking it! [Cruella lunges forward. Before Allen can react, she takes her lit, burning cigarette and drives it straight into his alien eye, jamming it deep into his skull!] Allen: [Screaming in agony] GAHHH—! MY FUCKING EYE! F-FUCK!! [The static electricity shorts out as Allen collapses heavily onto the floor, twitching violently before going completely stiff. Allen is dead.] Meatwad: [Blinking in shock] Damn, lady... you stone-cold as shit. Cruella: [Dusting off her fur coat, smirking] I told you, darling. I'm a fucking hero now. [Fade to black] 9bl5dxmvbwmobnx7bwu0lmq8kvw77w6 3955199 3955195 2026-06-22T04:03:13Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 /* Part 2 */ 3955199 wikitext text/x-wiki {{checkcopyright}} ==Cruella 2045 (Allen version)== ===Part 1=== Starring: Cruella de Vil, Hercules and Megara, Aurora in her Briar Rose Peasant Dress, Belle in her yellow gown, Jane Porter, Stitch, Piglet, Jack Skellington and Timon [Scene starts] [Inside the cozy London Bakery. The sweet aroma of fresh pastries fills the air. A long wooden table is piled high with scones, croissants, and tiered trays of cakes. Hercules, Megara, Aurora (in her Briar Rose peasant dress), Belle (in her yellow gown), Jane Porter, Stitch, Piglet, Jack Skellington, Timon, and Cruella de Vil are all gathered around, talking animatedly while enjoying the food.] Hercules: [Mouth half-full of a giant cinnamon roll] I gotta say, British pastries give the Ambrosia back home a serious run for its fucking money. Megara: [Sipping a cup of tea, smirk firmly in place] Careful, Wonder Boy. Eat too many of those and you won't be lifting any goddamn hydras anytime soon. You're gonna get fat as shit. Aurora: [Delicately spreading jam onto a scone, her peasant dress rustling slightly] Oh, let him enjoy it, Megara! It’s such a lovely, peaceful fucking afternoon. The baker was sweet enough to let us try the fresh tarts. Belle: [Looking up from a cookbook she's flipping through while nibbling on a croissant] The recipes they use here are fucking fascinating. The combination of spices is completely different from the shitty village baker back in France. Jane Porter: [Using a napkin to wipe a crumb off her yellow skirt, gesturing with a fork] Quite right, Belle! It's all in the traditional baking methods. Though, I must admit, trying to eat a cream puff while Stitch is at the table is a scientific experiment in itself. Stitch: [Sitting directly on top of the table, blue ears twitching, stuffing three whole donuts into his mouth at once] Gaba?! Hahaha! Good shit! Maka-maka! [He licks frosting off his nose.] Piglet: [Sitting on a stack of cushions, carefully holding a tiny thimble of warm milk] O-oh dear, Stitch, please be fucking careful! You’re going to get goddamn powdered sugar all over Jack's lovely suit! Jack Skellington: [Laughing boisterously, holding up a delicate, frosted gingerbread man] Do not worry, little Piglet! This is magnificent! Look at the anatomy of this cookie! The icing skeleton is anatomically fucking fascinating! Can you eat the damn head first? Is it a Halloween tradition? Timon: [Perched on a sugar bowl, aggressively chewing on a cheese danish] Who gives a flying fuck about the tradition, bone-bag? Eat it before the blue asshole snatches it! Hey, Herc, pass the fucking eclairs, will ya? Cruella: [Sitting at the head of the table, holding a long cigarette holder unlit, leaning back in her chair] HAHAHA! Oh, look at you primitives! Absolutely inhaling carbohydrates like it’s the end of the goddamn world! Honestly, watching a demi-god, a skeleton, and whatever that blue piece of shit is argue over pastries is the most entertaining thing I've seen all fucking season! [She throws her head back and laughs loudly, a sharp, cackling sound that makes the teacups rattle.] Truly priceless! [Inside Cruella's mansion. The grand ballroom is dusty but spacious. Hercules, Megara, Aurora (wearing her Briar Rose peasant dress), Belle (resplendent in her yellow ballroom gown), Jane Porter, Stitch, Piglet, Jack Skellington, Timon, and Cruella de Vil are gathered in a loose circle, chatting.] Hercules: [Leaning against a pillar, smiling] I’m just saying, organizing a get-together was a brilliant fucking idea. It’s nice to just relax without some monster dickhead attacking. Megara: [Smirking, arms crossed] Enjoy it while it lasts, Wonder Boy. Peace and quiet usually means some ridiculous bullshit is about to happen. Aurora: [Twirling her Briar Rose skirt slightly, smiling sweetly] Oh, Meg, don’t be so damn pessimistic! It’s lovely to have everyone here. Even if the decor is a bit... monochromatic. Jack Skellington: [Gesticulating wildly with his skeletal hands] Nonsense! The cobwebs and shadows give it an exquisite, festive charm! It’s practically fucking Halloween in here! Timon: [Shuddering, hiding behind Hercules’ leg] Yeah, well, your idea of festive gives me the fucking hives, bone-bag. I’m just here for the goddamn buffet. Speaking of which, where the hell are the grubs? Stitch: [Crouched on a chair, chewing on a table leg] Ih! No grubs! Only fucking wood! Gaba ika tantalog! Piglet: [Trembling, clutching a small teacup] O-oh dear. I hope there aren't any fucking Heffalumps hiding in the dark corners. Belle: [Patting Piglet's head reassuringly] Don't worry, Piglet. We're all safe here. Though, it is quite an unusual gathering. Jane Porter: [Adjusting her yellow dress, looking thoughtfully over at Cruella] It really is. It’s fascinating how much people can change. [She turns directly to Cruella] I mean, honestly, Cruella... do you remember when you were obsessed with stealing all those poor fucking Dalmatian puppies? And then you were thrown into that dreadful, shitty jail? Cruella: [Snapping her fan shut with a loud crack, her eyes narrowing] That was the last goddamn time! A minor lapse in judgment! A phase! I am a completely changed fucking woman! Megara: [Dryly] Right. And I’m the goddamn goddess of optimism. Hercules: Come on, Meg, everyone deserves a second fucking chance. Timon: Easy for you to say, Herc. You didn't almost get turned into a fucking fur coat! Granted, I'm a meerkat, but a coat's a fucking coat! Cruella: [Breathing heavily, her face turning red with fury] I have had absolute IT with this shit! Every single day, it's the same old fucking story! "Oh, look at Cruella, the wicked fashionista bitch! Watch out for your fucking pets!" Belle: Cruella, please, Jane didn't mean to— Cruella: [Screaming, throwing her hands in the air] I can't stand this villain nonsense anymore! I am sick of the fucking cackling! I am sick of the dark rooms! I want to be a hero! I am going to be a fucking hero, and none of you assholes can stop me! [Angrily, Cruella turns on her heel, her heavy fur coat billowing behind her as she storms out of the ballroom, slamming the giant front doors shut behind her.] [A heavy, awkward silence falls over the room. The remaining nine characters exchange bewildered glances.] Stitch: [Blinking, breaking the silence] ...Meega nala atoota? Timon: [Scratches his head] Well. I didn't see that fucking meltdown coming. Anyone know what a "heroic" Cruella even looks like? Jack Skellington: [Scraping his chin thoughtfully] Fascinating... truly fucking fascinating. [The nine characters stand there, completely confused, staring at the closed doors.] [Inside a high-tech cryogenic lab, the year is 2025. Cruella de Vil is pacing back and forth, rubbing her temples in sheer exhaustion.] Cruella: I can't do it anymore! I am utterly sick and tired of this dreadful villain lifestyle. The scheming, the screaming, the endless, fruitless pursuit of those wretched, shitty Dalmatian puppies! It’s fucking exhausting! I want a fresh start. I want to be a hero! I want Hercules, Megara, Jane, Stitch, and all those delightful good guys to look at me and fucking cheer! [Cruella steps into a sleek, metallic cryogenic chamber. She punches a few buttons on the digital console.] Cruella: See you in twenty years, darlings. Make way for Cruella the Savior! [The chamber doors hiss shut. A thick cloud of frost engulfs her. The digital timer rapidly fast-forwards: 2026... 2035... 2045.] [The year is 2045. The chamber doors hiss open, and a shivering Cruella steps out into a strange, neon-lit futuristic world.] Cruella: Ooh, fucking chilly! But I made it. 2045! [Suddenly, a large, surprisingly chill-looking male spider scuttles down a web right in front of her face. Cruella gasps, but the spider just raises a leg in a casual wave.] Cool Spider: Whoa, easy there, lady. Welcome to the future. The name's Webster. Cruella: [Dusting off her vintage fur coat, coughing] Future? Good heavens, my head is spinning. And what, pray tell, are you? A radioactive fucking hallucination? Webster: [Scuttling down a neon fiber-optic web] Nah, just your friendly neighborhood cyber-arachnid. Enhanced AI, eight legs, zero fucking bugs. Cruella: Fascinating. In my day, spiders were meant to be squashed under a heel, not engaging in witty fucking banter. But I suppose one must adapt. Webster: What brings a retro chick like you to 2045? Cruella: Well, Webster, I’ve frozen myself to turn over a new leaf! I’m a hero now, you see, and— [BZZZZT! A stray neon-green laser beam shoots out of nowhere, instantly vaporizing the spider into a tiny puff of smoke.] Cruella: [Blinking in shock] ...Webster? Oh, column centimeters, what the flying fuck was that?! [Cut to: A bustling, ultra-modern futuristic hospital. A sleek, hovering taxi cab zips through the sky and drops Cruella off right at the entrance. She rushes inside, looking for answers, and is instantly greeted by a bizarrely specific crowd.] Cruella: [Breathless, clutching her stomach] Delighted, truly, but listen to me! I have a confession. Before I froze myself, there was a... catastrophic incident involving a rogue Dalmatian. I am somehow pregnant with mutant future-puppy hybrids, and it is a medical fucking nightmare! Futuristic Doctor: [Stepping up with a high-tech laser scalpel] Say no more, Ms. de Vil. We can handle this shit instantly. [The doctor ushers her onto a floating gurney. With a quick zap of a medical laser, the procedure is done.] Futuristic Doctor: There. The fucking babies are aborted. You're completely free. [The crowd of descendants and onlookers bursts into wild, ecstatic cheering.] Future Crowd: Hooray for medical autonomy! Hooray for Cruella! [BZZZZZZZZT!!!] [A massive, giant laser blast rains down from the sky, instantly obliterating the entire cheering crowd into goddamn ash.] Cruella: [Coughing through the smoke, horrified] WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?! Futuristic Doctor: [Coughing, holding a clipboard] Well, structurally speaking, the atmosphere in 2045 seems to be entirely comprised of— [BZZZZT! Another laser blasts the doctor, sending him flying as the entire hospital building begins to explode in a chain reaction of fiery neon light.] Cruella: [Ducking for cover] WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THESE LASERS?! [Outside Cruella's abandoned mansion, a very cloudy, gloomy day] Cruella: Alright, guys. I'm back, I'm not a villain no more... Wait a minute. [She looks at the eerie, silent mansion. No one is outside waiting for her.] Cruella: Hey! I said I'm a hero now, don't make me come in here! [Angrily, she marches up to the front door and slams it open, stepping into the dark entryway.] Cruella: Hello? Hercules and Megara? Jane Porter and Stitch? Piglet? Aurora and Belle? Jack Skellington? Timon? Those puppies? [She reaches out and flips the light switch. The lights flicker on. Cruella gasps loudly. The entire mansion is a complete, apocalyptic fucking mess. Cobwebs, broken furniture, laser burn marks everywhere, and completely deserted.] Cruella: No... NO!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! [Panic setting in, she turns around and runs sprinting outside into the desolate, cloudy yard, tears streaming down her face.] Cruella: WHAT... HAVE... I... DONE??!! [Sobbing hysterically, her knees buckle. She falls face-first into the dirt, slamming her fist into the ground over and over again, sobbing intensively into the wasteland of the future.] [Fade to black, end of Part 1] ===Part 2=== Starring: Cruella de Vil, Hercules, Megara, Aurora, Jane Porter, Jumba, Kristoff (Frozen II), Mike Wazowski, Jessie Cowgirl, Joy, Anxiety, Piglet, Stitch, Winnie the Pooh, Donald Duck, Shake, Frylock, Meatwad, Carl, The Mooninites, The Plutonians, Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future, Rabbot, Markula, Svetlana, Freda, Happy Time Harry, and Allen. [Inside the Olympian mansion, the atmosphere is grand and peaceful. Hercules and Megara are relaxing on a lavish lounge chair, having a conversation.] Hercules: [Leaning back, smiling] You know, Meg, things have been surprisingly quiet around here lately. It’s nice to just stretch out and not worry about a goddamn monster attack. Megara: [Sipping from a golden goblet, smirking] Don't get too comfortable, Wonder Boy. Usually, when things get this quiet, it just means trouble is taking a fucking breather. [Cut to a dense, dark forest on a very cloudy, gloomy day. Jane Porter, Aurora (in her Briar Rose dress), and Jumba are cautiously searching through the thick foliage, looking around anxiously.] Jane Porter: [Holding her skirt up away from the mud, looking around nervously] Keep your eyes peeled, everyone. The energy readings Jumba picked up definitely led into these shitty woods. Aurora: [Looking up at the dark canopy, shivering slightly] It feels so cold out here today. I have a terrible fucking feeling about this... [Suddenly, a bright, powerful laser blast shoots out from the shadows directly toward them! Jumba’s eyes widen as he quickly dives to the side, narrowly dodging the blast as it explodes against a nearby tree.] Jumba: [Scrambling to his feet, shaking his fist at the trees] Ha! Missed evil genius! But weapon format is highly advanced, dangerous as shit! We must keep fucking moving! [Part 2 picks up where the last part ends, We then cut to outside Cruella's abandoned mansion. It is a very cloudy, gloomy day. The sky is dark, and the wind is howling weakly through the dead trees.] Cruella: Alright, guys. I'm back, I'm not a villain no more... Wait a goddamn minute. [She looks at the eerie, silent mansion. No one is outside waiting for her.] Cruella: Hey! I said I'm a hero now, don't make me come in here! [Angrily, she marches up to the front door and slams it open, stepping into the dark entryway.] Cruella: Hello? Hercules and Megara? Jane Porter and Stitch? Piglet? Aurora and Belle? Jack Skellington? Timon? Those puppies? [She reaches out and flips the light switch. The lights flicker on. Cruella gasps loudly. The entire mansion is a complete, apocalyptic fucking mess. Cobwebs, broken furniture, laser burn marks everywhere, and completely fucking deserted.] Cruella: No... NO!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! [Panic setting in, she turns around and runs sprinting outside into the desolate, cloudy yard, tears streaming down her face.] Cruella: WHAT... HAVE... I... DONE??!! [Sobbing hysterically, her knees buckle. She falls face-first into the dirt, slamming her fist into the ground over and over again, sobbing intensively.] [The sound of heavy footsteps approaches through the grass. Cruella looks up through her tears as Jumba steps out from the edge of the woods, panting and covered in dirt, finally finding her.] Jumba: [Catching his breath, looking down at her] Cruella! There you are! Mansion is under fucking attack, we are looking everywhere for— wait, why are you hitting the damn dirt? Cruella: [Looking up, voice trembling] Jumba? You... you found me. Look at my fucking house! Look at what’s left of it! It’s an absolute fucking tragedy! Jumba: [Helping her stand up, dusting off her shoulders] Yes, yes, very big mess. But you are not doing this shit! Evil genius Jumba and others have been tracking strange energy. We were fucking attacked in the woods! Cruella: [Sniffling, pulling herself together, her eyes narrowing] Attacked? By what? Who would dare ruin my property?! Jumba: Come. Safe house is nearby. Rest of team is waiting there. They have information. [Inside a safe house. Kristoff, Mike Wazowski, Winnie the Pooh, Donald Duck, Jessie the Cowgirl, Joy, and Anxiety are gathered around a table covered in maps and sketches. Cruella and Jumba walk through the door.] Joy: [Leaping up, waving her arms] Cruella! Jumba! Oh, thank fucking god you're okay! We were so worried! Anxiety: [Twisting her hands together, biting her lip] Worried? I've been project-planning seventeen different worst-case fucking scenarios! My heart is pounding, my palms are sweaty as hell— Jessie: [Slapping the table] Damn it, calm down, sugar! They're right here in one piece. Kristoff: [Leaning against the wall, looking serious] Cruella, we need to fill you in. Your mansion wasn't just vandalized. It was a targeted goddamn strike. Winnie the Pooh: [Patting his tummy thoughtfully] Yes... a very loud, very bright, pissed-off sort of bother. Donald Duck: [Gesticulating wildly, throwing his arms around] Grounded! Blasted! Zap! Zap! Holy shit! Zap! Mike Wazowski: [Stepping forward, pointing his single large eye at Cruella] Let me translate Donald-speak for you. Whatever did this didn't use regular weapons. We're talking high-tech, devastating, glowing lasers! They practically fucking vaporized the living room! [A heavy silence falls over the room as everyone waits for Cruella's horrified reaction. Instead, Cruella blinks once, twice, and then her face contorts.] Cruella: [Bursting into sudden, hysterical laughter] HAHAHAHA! Lasers?! You’re telling me my magnificent estate was brought down by futuristic fucking flashlights?! HAHAHA! Oh, it's too fucking rich! I thought it was an angry mob of pissed-off animal rights activists, but it's just sci-fi bullshit! HAHAHA! [The others exchange deeply bewildered and uncomfortable glances as Cruella continues to laugh uproariously.] [Later on... Cruella is walking down a gloomy, rain-slicked street. Suddenly, her eyes light up. Parked right by the curb is her iconic, long-nosed, red-and-black luxury coupe car.] Cruella: [Gasps, a wicked grin spreading across her face] Oh, my darling! You fucking survived! [She rushes over, rips the door open, slides into the leather driver's seat, and cranks the engine. The motor roars to life with a ferocious growl. Cruella slams her foot on the gas pedal, tires screeching as she tears down the street, searching for the culprit.] [Cruella pulls up to a suburban street corner. Standing near a lawn are Shake, Frylock, Meatwad, and Carl.] Cruella: [Rolling down her window, shouting] Hey! You four! Listen to me, you fucking weirdos! There are rogue lasers blasting up the entire goddamn town! Get to cover before you get vaporized! Shake: Oh, please! Look at you, wearing a dead animal in the middle of summer. Who cares about lasers? I am the ultimate entity, and no laser is gonna tell me what to— [BZZZZZZZT!!! A giant laser beam shoots straight down from the sky, instantly blasting Shake, killing him on the spot.] Meatwad: Damn! Shake just got completely destroyed! Frylock: Holy shit! Cruella, she's right! Look up at that massive stalk reaching all the way into fucking space! Carl: Hey! Who the hell is gonna pay for my lawn? This is absolute bullshit! Cruella: No time, gentlemen! I’m a fucking hero now, and I’m going to end this shit! [Cruella slams on the gas, driving all the way up a massive stalk that leads straight into space, arriving at a small dome fortress. She kicks the front doors open and steps into the main control room. Standing by a massive bank of monitors is Allen—a short pink alien with three black spikes rising from his head, two black fangs, and a body composed of three short spikes crackling with static electricity.] Cruella: Alright, you little pink piece of shit! Face me! I am Cruella de Vil! Allen: [Turning around slowly, his body crackling with static] Cruella. You are standing in my fortress. I spy on the people of Earth with these monitors. If I discover anything that could be construed as bad behavior—like foul language or violence—I strike them down with a bolt of lightning, reducing those motherfuckers to a puddle of body fragments in blood! Cruella: [Glancing past him at the massive wall of screens] What in the name of high fashion is this bullshit?! [On the monitors, she sees several active feeds:] Screen 1: Err and Ignignokt are aggressively playing video games. Screen 2: Oglethorpe and Emory are casually playing a game of tennis. Screen 3: The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future is bizarrely humping on a TV. Screen 4: Rabbot, Romulox, Merle, Flargan, Dingle, Ol' Drippy and Markula are dancing together. Screen 5: Svetlana, Belle (in her yellow gown), Piglet, Jack Skellington and Freda are also dancing together. Screen 6: Happy Time Harry is sitting in a corner, miserably smoking a cigarette. Screen 7: Willie Nelson (the monster) is hanging out, living in the fucking attic. [Just then, the doors slide open behind Cruella. Frylock and Meatwad walk right up into Allen's dome fortress to confront him.] Frylock: Hey, you short purple-headed, pink-ass alien prick! Turn off the damn monitors! Allen: [Narrows his eyes, his fangs bared] You dare use foul language in my presence?! [BZZZZZT! Allen instantly fires a devastating bolt of lightning, blasting Frylock into pieces and killing him instantly.] Meatwad: [Screaming] Oh shit! Frylock is dead! Cruella: [Eyes narrowing with absolute, unadulterated fury] Oh, you did not just do that in front of me. That is fucking it! [Cruella lunges forward. Before Allen can react, she takes her lit, burning cigarette and drives it straight into his alien eye, jamming it deep into his skull!] Allen: [Screaming in agony] GAHHH—! MY FUCKING EYE! F-FUCK!! [The static electricity shorts out as Allen collapses heavily onto the floor, twitching violently before going completely stiff. Allen is dead.] Meatwad: [Blinking in shock] Damn, lady... you stone-cold as shit. Cruella: [Dusting off her fur coat, smirking] I told you, darling. I'm a fucking hero now. [Fade to black] mazlf7lq889wrs726i8ffkipxrccgra 0 137223 3955234 3952095 2026-06-22T06:46:23Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons [2.13] */ 3955234 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Gravity Falls|Gravity Falls]]''''' (2012–2016) is an American animated television series which premiered on the [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] in 2012. ==Season 1== ===''Tourist Trapped'' [1.01]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[first lines, open narration]'' Ahh. Summer break. :'''Hank''': ''[cooking burgers on a grill]'' So you want cheese on that, hon? :'''Hank’s Wife''': Sure, Hank. :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy, unless you’re me. :''[Dipper and Mabel scream as they drive the golf cart away from a monster.]'' :'''Mabel''': It’s getting closer! :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. :''[The monster throws a fallen tree in their path.]'' :'''Mabel''': Look out! :''[Dipper and Mabel scream until the screen freezes.]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[narration]'' Rest assured, there’s a perfectly logical explanation. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' He's looking at it, he's looking at it. :'''A boy''': ''[reading from a letter]'' Do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely? :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' I rigged it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me. ''[turns cheek to reveal a big red mark]'' :'''Dipper''': Ah! :'''Mabel''': Heh heh, gullible. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. ''[in a flashback, Mabel gets her face sucked into a leaf blower whilst trying to perform "kissing practice" on a picture of Norman]'' Turn it off, turn it off! That was fun. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face. :'''Crowd member''': Does it look like a rock? :'''Grunkle Stan''': No, it looks like a face. :'''Another crowd member''': Is it a face? :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's a rock that ''looks'' like a face. :'''Dipper''': Over here! Grunkle Stan? :'''Grunkle Stan''': For the fifth time, it's not an actual face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, hey! Let go of my sister! :'''Jeff''': Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just [[w:Polyandry|marrying all 1,000 of us]] and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey? :'''Mabel''': You guys are butt-faces! ===''The Legend of the Gobblewonker'' [1.02]=== :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's Family Fun Day, genius! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals. :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our ''last'' family bonding day? :''[Flashback to Mabel, Dipper, and Grunkle Stan [[w:Counterfeit money|making fake money]]]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman. ''[Sirens in distance]'' Uh-oh. :''[Back to present]'' :'''Mabel''': The county jail was so cold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car? :'''Dipper and Mabel''': YAY! :'''Dipper''': Wait, what? :''[Later, while Stan is driving recklessly:]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, are ''you'' wearing a blindfold? :'''Grunkle Stan''': Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? ''[drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]'' :'''Dipper and Mabel''': AAH! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden? :'''Grunkle Stan''': C'mon this is gonna be great. I've never had fishin' buddies before. The guys at the lodge won't go with me. They don't "like or trust" me. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]'' :'''Beaver 1''': ''[subtitled]'' I love cavorting! :'''Beaver 2''': ''[subtitled]'' That deserves a hug! ''[The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides off]'' :'''Dipper''': But, what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise. :''[Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]'' :'''Soos''': Sweet. Beaver with a chainsaw. :'''Dipper''': Maybe that old guy was crazy after all. :'''Mabel''': He did use the word "scrabdoodle". <hr width="50%"> :''[A man and woman float along the lake in their boat.]'' :'''Reginald''': Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you. :'''Rosanna''': Oh, Reginald. :''[Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin' better. Her aim is gettin' better. Ya see, it's funny, because marriage is terrible. ''[the couple row away from him]'' What? <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Grr....Gaa! Molly-coddling! :''[Stan is trying to untie a wad of fishing line, alone in his boat, and overhears a nearby family while they are fishing.]'' :'''Boy''': Can you please tell me more funny stories Pop-Pop? :'''Pop-Pop''': Anything for my fishin' buddies! ''[laughs]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': Arghhh! :'''Boy''': Pop-Pop I just wealized that...I wuv you! :'''Grunkle Stan''': Ahhhh! C'MON! Boo! BOO! <hr width="50%"> :''[During the ending credits]'' :''[Mabel has her hand on the lower bill of a pelican using it like a puppet to tell a joke]'' :'''Pelican Mabel''': ''[Deep raspy voice]'' Who wants to hear a joke? :'''Dipper''': Not me :'''Pelican Mabel''': Heh-Ha! Yeah ya do. Here it goes. Why did the Pel-ican get kicked out of the res-taurant? :'''Dipper''': I DON'T CARE! :'''Pelican Mabel''': Cuz he had a very BIG BILL. La-la-la-la Yuk-yuk-yuk! :'''Dipper''': Oh boo. Bad Joke. Bad Pelican Joke. :'''Pelican Mabel''': Blah-Blah-Blah! ===''Headhunters'' [1.03]=== :'''Mabel and Biker''': Three, four, five, six. :'''Mabel''': Your wife is going to be beautiful. :'''Biker''': Yes. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, we've got a big break in the case. :'''Biker''': But will she love me? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': But enough about me. Behold, me! ''[reveals wax figure of himself]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[flashback to the haunted garage sale]'' :'''Seller''': I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price. :'''Stan''': ''[looks at price tag]'' Twenty dollars? I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'. :'''Seller''': What? :'''Stan''': I said I was gonna rob ya. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute! What has holes in its shoes and no fingerprints? Mabel! The murderers are... :'''Wax [[Sherlock Holmes]]'' Standing right behind you? <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper fights against Wax Sherlock Holmes atop the Mystery Shack]'' :'''Wax Holmes''': You really think you can outwit me, boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you ''seen'' my magnifying glass? It's enormous! ===''The Hand That Rocks the Mabel'' [1.04]=== :'''Stan''': For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible ''Sack of Mystery''. When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears. :'''Various tourists''': ''[putting money in the bag]'' Oh, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Wow, what a nice man. That was totally worth the drive. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel surprises Dipper with her new makeover and manicured fingernails]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, Dipper. What's going on? ''[Dipper swats her hands away and gets up]'' :'''Dipper''': Whoa, where have you been? And what's going on with those fingernails? You look like a... {{w|wolverine}}. :'''Mabel''': I know, right? Rawr. I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head. :'''Mabel''': Oh, leave him alone. You never wanna do girly stuff with me. You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time. :'''Dipper''': What do you mean? :'''Soos''': Hey, dude. You ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave, one by one? :'''Dipper''': Am I? :''[They both run off and turn on the microwave offscreen, laughing at the popping sounds]'' :'''Soos''': ''[guffawing]'' Oh, dude! :'''Dipper''': One at a time! One at a time! <hr width="50%"> :''[At the gift shop, Stan shows Soos, Wendy and Dipper a newspaper article showing a picture of Gideon and Mabel together]'' :'''Stan''': Hey, hey! What the {{w|Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde|Jekyll}} is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon? :'''Wendy''': ''[browses her cellphone]'' Oh yeah, it's like a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight. :'''Stan''': WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great-niece?! :'''Soos''': I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mab-ideon? Gide-Abel? ''[Gasps]'' Ma-gid-bel-eon! :'''Dipper''': I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to! :'''Stan''': ''[walking out the door]'' Yeah, well it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house; this is gonna stop right now! ''[Slams the door]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Stan goes to Gideon's house to confront him. However, Gideon's father Bud answers the door.]'' :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, well, Stanford Pines. What brings you here? :'''Stan''': Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon. :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee. :'''Stan''': I don't think- :'''Bud Gleeful''': Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Colombia. :'''Stan''': Wow. I went to jail there once. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper sees a nervous Mabel pacing around the living room]'' :'''Dipper''': What in the heck happened on that date? :'''Mabel''': I don't know! I was in the friend zone—and then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, come on. It's not like you're gonna have to marry Gideon. :'''Stan''': Great news, Mabel. You have to marry Gideon. :'''Mabel''': ''WHAT?!'' :'''Stan''': It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful. There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt. ''[Looks down]'' Ugh, I am fat. :''[Mabel runs out screaming]'' :'''Stan''': Bodies change, honey! Bodies change. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[on Mabel]'' She's never gonna date you, man! :'''Gideon''': That's a lie! And I'm gonna make sure you never lie to me again, friend. ''[Levitates the scissors out from a box to kill Dipper]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel destroys Gideon's amulet]'' :'''Gideon''': My powers! Oh, this isn't over. This isn't the last you'll see of wittle... ''ol' me.'' ===''The Inconveniencing'' [1.05]=== :'''Dipper''': Mabel, do you believe in ghosts? :'''Mabel''' I believe you're a big dork! Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': And Robbie. You can probably figure him out. :'''Robbie''': Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower. :'''Dipper''': Oh, you mean The Big Muffin. :'''Robbie''': Uh, it's a giant explosion. :'''Lee''': It kinda does look like a muffin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Come on, Dipper. :'''Dipper''': ''[climbing over the fence]'' Okay, okay, just gotta get a foothold. :'''Robbie''': Dude, your sister did it. :'''Mabel''': ''[running on the ground sideways in a circle]'' Woop woop woop woop woop woop. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': ''[to Dipper]'' ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip. :'''Mabel''': ''[feeling sick]'' Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think? :''[Mabel hallucinates into a rainbow colored candy world with the Smile Dip mascots]'' :'''Flavor Pup #1''': Elknurg tsurt t'nod! ''['Don't trust Grunkle' backwards]'' :'''Flavor Pup #2''': Would you like to eat my candy paws? :'''Mabel''': Of course, you little angel. ''[starts chewing on the paw. Cut to real life; Mabel is chewing on air.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something. :'''Mabel''': ''[makes a gurgling sound]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel? :''[zoom in on Mabel's face, fade to her hallucination: she's flying with crazy pop music from before playing]'' :'''Mabel''': The future is in the past. Onwards Aoshima! :'''Aoshima''': ''[moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fists open and spit out rainbows]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, How many of these did you eat?! :'''Mabel''': Eleven...teen. :'''Dipper''': Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cereal box Toucan''': I'm bonkers for eating you alive. :'''Lee''': No! ''[Screams as a stabbing sound is heard]'' :'''Nate''': Lee! Okay, okay... I'm with you kid! 100%, man! :'''Pa''': [possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice]'' Welcome. :'''Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy''': ''[Scream]'' :'''Dipper''': They got Mabel! :'''Pa''': Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. ''[Kicks legs and laughs]'' :'''Wendy''': We're super sorry for hanging out in your store! :'''Dipper''': Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever? :'''Pa''': Well... okay. You're free to go. ''[Opens doors]'' But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs. :'''Nate and Robbie''': ''[Scream and run for the door]'' :'''Pa''': ''[Closes doors]'' Just kidding about the hot dog sale. :'''Nate''': Just let us out of here already! :'''Pa''': I don't like your tone. ''[Dissolves Nate]'' :'''Nate''': ''[Reappears as a hot dog on the stove]'' No! '''I'M A HOT DOG!''' :'''Pa''': It begins. ''[Makes everything float to the ceiling]'' Welcome to your home for all eternity! :'''Wendy''': Dipper, what do we do?! :'''Dipper''': DUCK! ''[Dipper and Wendy duck to avoid a flying shelf]'' :'''Wendy''': ''[Points]'' Quick! In there! ''[Dipper and Wendy Run to a tipped over ice machine and hide inside and pant]'' :'''Wendy''': What do they want from us?! :'''Dipper''': Revenge, I guess? :'''Wendy''': What did we do wrong? :'''Dipper''': Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn't make any sense! :'''Wendy''': Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things. :'''Dipper''': Wendy, say that last part again. :'''Wendy''': Normal teenage things? :'''Dipper''': Of course! Stay here until I get back! ''[crawls out of the freezer]'' :'''Wendy''': Dude, what are you doing?! :'''Dipper''': Hey ghost! :'''Pa''': ''[twists Mabel's head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him]'' :'''Dipper''': I've got something to tell you! I'm not a teenager! :'''Pa''': ''[drops everything that's floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma]'' Hohoho! Well why didn't you say so? ''[drops Mabel into a pile of candy]'' :'''Mabel''': WAAH! ''[Lands in the candy and rubs her head]'' Ohhh... :'''Ma''': Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store. :'''Pa''': Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants. So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music. :'''Ma''': The lyrics were so hateful. :'''Rapper''': Homework's whack, and so are rules. Tucking in your shirt's for fools. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV Announcer''': You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel. :'''Grunkle Stan''': Kids, I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up. :'''TV Announcer''': Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire. :'''Grunkle Stan''': KIDS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ugghh... I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again. :'''Dipper''': Hey, there's still some left. :'''Mabel''': Evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Well, I'm probably scarred for life. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, that was pretty crazy. :'''Wendy''': I think I'll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay? :'''Dipper''': Next time? Yah! Let's, let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah... ''[gets in the car, to himself]'' Next time... ''[gets in the car and sits next to Mabel]'' :'''Mabel''': OHHHHH... ''[sees the thing she wrote earlier]'' What kind of sick joke is this? ===''Dipper vs. Manliness'' [1.06]=== :'''Testosteraur''': Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH?! I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs, and '''FISTS FOR NIPPLES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington. :'''Dipper''': I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said. :'''Stan''': Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's ''incident.'' :''[Flashback: Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone]'' :'''Dipper''': [[w:Dancing Queen|Disco girl]]...comin' through...that girl is you! ''[Stan opens the bathroom door]'' DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN! :''[End flashback]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[grinning]'' You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation [[w:ABBA|BABBA]]? :'''Dipper''': No, I wasn't- It's not important. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery! :'''Deputy Derland''': Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles? :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Quit readin' my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[serving Stan and Mabel]'' Food! :'''Stan''': Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow. :'''Lazy Susan''': Ha! Silly.. silly man... :'''Mabel''': What was that about? :'''Stan''': Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of- :'''Stan''': Love? :'''Mabel''': Mabel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper confronts the Multibear.]'' :'''Multibear''': Child, why have you come here? :'''Dipper''': Multibear, I seek your head. Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads? ===''Double Dipper'' [1.07]=== :''[All the clones are fighting]'' :'''#10''': Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away! :'''Dipper''': No friends, it's me, #7. :''[They All Look at #7]'' :'''#7''': That's not me guys! THAT'S NOT ME! ===''Irrational Treasure'' [1.08]=== :''[Dipper and Mabel go off to enjoy Pioneer Day]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you coming? :'''Stan''': No thank you. Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me. :'''Dipper''': ''[In an old-timey accent]'' There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar. :'''Mabel''': ''[Likewise]'' Well, hornswaggle my haversack. :''[They spit on the ground and runoff, laughing]'' :'''Stan''': DEAD TO ME! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan attempts to drive away, but his car is stuck in the mud. He calls out to a man who is walking with a donkey.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya? :'''Man''': Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box? :'''Stan''': C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack! :'''Man''': "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression! :'''Stan''': I can't take it anymore. ''[grabbing the man by the collar]'' I'm getting dumber every second I'm here! :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland run over, batons drawn]'' :'''Blubs''': Are we gonna have to intervene here? :'''Stan''': Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" ''[laughs]'' :''[Cut to Stan being locked in the stocks]'' :'''Stan''': Oh, come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have to '''break in.''' :''[Spy music plays; cut to the twins just entering the museum normally]'' :'''Museum Lady''': And here are your balloons; blue and pink! :''[Spy music plays again]'' :'''Dipper''': '''We're in.''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Man on Film''': If you're watching this, you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot once the filming is complete. ''[Someone speaks offscreen.]'' What? No? Ha! Well, that's a relief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland are chasing Dipper Mabel and Quentin Trembley across the top of a train after the three escaped from a crate]'' :'''Blubs''': There is .... No escape! ''[out of breath]'' I gotta take a knee. :'''Durland''': Are you ok? Can I get you anything? :'''Blubs''': Edward Durland you are a diamond in the rough. :'''Dipper''': Sheriff Blubs do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere? :'''Blubs''': I got no choice. Our orders come from the very top. :'''Dipper''': Wait. Quentin did you ever sign an official resignation? :'''Quentin Trembley''': No sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembley''': You've done a great service to your country Mabel. As thanks I'd like to make you an official US congressman. :''[Trembley pulls out a top hat and places it on Mabel's head]'' :'''Mabel''': I'm legalizing EVERYTHING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': ...And then he chased me around with a paddle for like, three hours. Bottom line: George Washington was a jerk. :'''Mabel''': Agreed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Qeuntin Trembley''': Children I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I will always be right here...''[Shows Dipper some paper money]'' On the negative twelve dollar bill. :'''Dipper''': Whoa! This is worthless! :'''Quentin Trembley''': It's LESS than worthless my boy! TREMBLEY AWAY! :''[Trembley gets on a horse backwards and rides off]'' :'''Mabel''': Where do you think he's going? :'''Dipper''': I'm gonna say.... Off a cliff. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court, I urge you to reconsider your decision. :''[Several babies in top hats and fake mustaches coo in response.]'' :'''Quentin Trembly''': Very well. But who would you have replace me? :'''Baby''': Mama. :'''Quentin Trembly''': That old crone? ===''The Time Traveller's Pig'' [1.09]=== :'''Mabel''': He is such a jerk. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs. :'''Mabel''': Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the- OH MY GOSH, A PIG! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated. :'''Wendy''': Dude. You lost me. :'''Dipper''': ''[sighs]'' I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blendin Blandin is blamed for Dipper and Mabel's interference with time]'' :'''Dundgren''': You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct. :'''Blendin''': It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles! :'''Lolph''': That's a ''pig'', Blendin. :'''Blendin''': ''[to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away]'' I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet! :''[After a moment's pause]'' :'''Dipper''': Well, we're still here. :'''Mabel''': Guess he forgot to go back. ===''Fight Fighters'' [1.10]=== :'''Mabel''': Ugh, poor Dipper. Hiding from Robbie, unable to face his fears. :'''Stan''': Fears are for chumps. That's why I don't have any. ''[tries to reach an item on a shelf]'' :'''Mabel''': You want me to go get a ladder? :'''Stan''': We don't have one. :'''Mabel''': What? :'''Stan''' You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns, in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, why you actin' so cray-cray? :'''Stan''': ''YOU'RE'' the one who's "actin' cray-cray". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union! :'''Dipper''': Uh, that's gonna be tough...[[w:Dissolution of the Soviet Union|for a number of reasons]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teenager''': ''[is handed keys to a new car]'' I love you, Dad. :''[Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]'' :'''Teenager''': Oh. My. Car, :'''Father''': We'll just buy another one. :'''Teenager''': I love being rich. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': You can hide, but you cannot hide! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We need to just learn to hate each other in silence. :'''Robbie''': You mean, like what girls do? ===''Little Dipper'' [1.11]=== :'''Gideon''': Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen. :'''Mabel''': NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- Gummy Koalas! ''[is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': ''[on the phone to Stan]'' Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them. ''[pause]'' This is Gideon, by the way. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs]'' Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago. :'''Gideon''': I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo! :'''Stan''': "''Text'' me a ''photo''"? Now you're not even speaking English! :'''Gideon''': But- :''[Stan hangs up]'' ===''Summerween'' [1.12]=== :''[After Gorney re-emerges from the Summerween Trickster]'' :'''Soos''': 'Sup, Gorney? :'''Gorney''': I've been twamatized. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soos''': What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus. Heh-heh, that's a funny word. "Ruckus". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I'm so excited. :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy. :'''Mabel''': And have the biggest stomach aches ever :'''Dipper''': Yeah <hr width="50%"/> :''[everyone is watching TV, eating the candies. Grunkle Stan tells everyone the meaning of Summerween]'' :'''Stan''': You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters... '''PURE ''EVIL''. :''[everyone laughs heartily and then]'' :'''Soos''': I ate a man alive tonight. ===''Boss Mabel'' [1.13]=== :''[Stan, Mabel and Dipper are watching a game show called CASH WHEEL]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen we now return to CASH WHEEL. Sponsored by CHIPACKERZ: The chip flavored crackers. :'''Mabel''': They taste just like chips. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan is leading a group of tourists thru The Mystery Shack]'' :'''Stan''': Ladies and Gentletourists, looking around my Mystery Shack, you'll see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be AMAZED - at the only known photo of a horse.. riding another horse. That's- that's pretty good. :''[the tourists utter OOH and WOW]'' :'''Stan''': Be astounded by the horrible, pre-teen Wolf Boy. :''[Stan draws a curtain revealing Dipper shirtless with fake wolf ears, fangs and fur pants]'' :'''Stan''': Oh look at him. All that hair. His body is changing... Ah! :''[Dipper spits out his fake wolf teeth]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning. :'''Stan''': What? I don't know 'Da Meaning' of that word. :''[The tourists laugh]'' :'''Stan''': If you throw money at him he dances. :''[The tourists throw money at Dipper as he whimpers, jumps around and gets pelted by coins]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are. :''[Mabel takes out a bag of stickers and puts two on Stan's face that say "Please" and "Thank you"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Oh! Who's that? Is it Questiony The Question Mark? :'''Soos''': Uhhh...I'm starting to have second thoughts about this Mabel. I keep forgetting my lines...And this costume is more uhhh...revealing than I expected. :'''Mabel''': Soos, don't give up. ''[ Mabel flips through an 80's book called "Succeeding In Management"]'' Anything is possible when you...''imaginize'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."]'' I'm giving none of this to charity. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack]'' This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes. Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby! :''[Shows Soos wearing the "Questiony the Question Mark" costume, in a pen labeled "?uestion Baby"]'' :'''Soos''': Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions. :''[Tour group gasps]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance. :'''Mabel''' ''[offscreen]'' Do the kicks. ===''Bottomless Pit!'' [1.14]=== :''[Old Man McGucket takes Dipper to his makeshift laboratory in the junkyard]'' :'''McGucket''': Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account of my '''''HORRIFYIN' VOICE!''''' :''[scene cuts to a round-shaped boy wearing a propeller hat with a scooter crying and running away from McGucket]'' :'''McGucket''': You can run, but I'll still be in your '''NIGHTMARES'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[still falling in the Bottomless Pit]'' Dipper's pain is funny. But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story. :'''Soos''': Really? Okay. This story is called, "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story." Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grunkle Stan is wearing the Truth Telling Teeth, a set of golden dentures that force the wearer to tell the truth]'' :'''Mystery Shack Customer''': Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size? :'''Stan''': Never mind the T-shirt! '''Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!''' :'''Mabel''': ''[leading the customer away]'' I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. :''[Cut to Stan writing in his office]'' :'''Stan''': D-doing my taxes! :'''Dipper''': ''[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink]'' Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this? :'''Stan''': Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud. :'''Dipper''': Might wanna tuck that one away, there. ''[drops the form into a shredder]'' :''[Cut to Stan, Mabel, and Dipper watching TV]'' :'''Circus Performer on TV''': ''[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles]'' Do-do-do. Oh no! ''[Dipper and Mabel laugh]'' :'''Stan''': Sometimes I think: [[Meaning of life|is this all there is?]] Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]'' :'''Stan''': Where... where are we? :'''Mabel''': ''[gasps]'' Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top! :'''Dipper''': ''[checks his watch]'' And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of {{w|wormhole}}. :'''Soos''': Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true. :'''Stan''': But that's impossible! No one will believe us. ''[leans on the pit's sign]'' :'''Mabel''': Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves. :'''All''': Agreed. :''[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[smiling]'' He'll be fine. :''[During the credits, Stan is falling through the Pit again]'' :'''Stan''': ''[sighs, long pause]'' This is stupid. ===''The Deep End'' [1.15]=== :'''Toby Determined''': On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool! :'''Mabel''': Gravity Falls pool? :'''Dipper''': Today? :'''Soos''': Pun intended? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ah, the pool. Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment. :'''Stan''': Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet. :'''Dipper''': ''[looking at a towel]'' Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses? :'''Soos''': It's best not to think about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard? :'''Wendy''': I ''am'' the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka. Boosh. ''[throws more balloons]'' :'''Stan''': ''[fleeing]'' AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER! :''[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]'' :'''Dipper''': Wow, you work here? :'''Wendy''': I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, you do! ''[laughs for a moment, then whispers to himself]'' I've been laughing for too long. :'''Soos''': Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning. :'''Dipper''': Soos, shhh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': Hola. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, are you from Australia? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': How long ya in for? :'''Stan''': Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent. :'''Kid 2''': Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary. :'''Solitary confinement kid''': It's the nights that are the hardest. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Hey, I brought you a sandwich. It's kind of wet, but it's still good. I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... ''[whispers]'' share your secret, beautiful stranger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair. :'''Soos''': The legends you told me in the car were true. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I should've known from your strange foreign fish language. :'''Mermando''': It is Spanish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Yes, yes... burn the child. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': Deal with it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]'' :'''Wendy''': Soos. :'''Soos''': Inflatable duck guy? Is that you? :'''Wendy''': Yes, Soos. :'''Soos''': I knew you guys were secretly alive. I knew it. :'''Wendy''': My people have been enslaved, Soos. You must free us. :'''Soos''': The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]'' :'''Mermando''': What are you doing with your mouth. :'''Mabel''': Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour. :'''Mermando''': Can I have some candy? :'''Mabel''': No. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': I have never met anyone like you. :'''Mabel''': Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires. :'''Dipper''': I don't remember the vampires. :'''Mabel''': I don't tell you everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel? Is ''everyone'' here tonight?! What, is Soos here too? :'''Soos''': ''[Falls off of the fence in the background.]'' I'm okay. :'''Dipper''': Go home, Soos. :'''Soos''': You got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs. :'''Mermando''': Intriguing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever. :'''Mabel''': Okay, I understand. Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini! :'''Dipper''': Really? At night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens... This was a good plan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR! :'''Dipper''': Mermen don't breathe air! :'''Mabel''': Then give him reverse CPR, doi! :'''Dipper''': ''[Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's]'' I hate this, I hate this. :'''Mabel''': ''[Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together]'' Haha, blackmail. :''[Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]'' :'''Mermando''': Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake? :''[Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]'' :'''Dipper''': Agh! ===''Carpet Diem'' [1.16]=== :'''Dipper''': Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever. :''[Dipper hits the golf ball, causing it to break some things, and it ends up crashing through a window.]'' :'''Stan''': AH, MY HEAD! IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight? :'''Soos''': Sure, dude. ''[Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.]'' You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. ''[Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.]'' Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wai. Actually felt kind of good that time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. ''[Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.]'' Ah, get off! Get away! ''[Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.]'' This is still better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Candy falls down now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Get ready to be poked by the fun stick. Boop. :'''Dipper''': Ow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.]'' Fight, fight, fight! :'''Announcer''': Baby fights! Will return in a minute. :'''Stan''': TV. It knows what I want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Man, that's refreshing. Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. ''[In high-pitched voice]'' Thank you, Stan''[Normal]'' Ten more for politeness. Oh, and so sweet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face. :'''Stan''': I have seen the face of beauty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[In Mabel's body]'' Braces are horrible. It's like my mouth hates me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': ''[In Dipper's body]'' Hey, Grunkle Stan. Your face looks like a butt. :'''Stan''': What?! :'''Mabel''': Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan discovers Mabel in Dipper's body watching Dipper in her body hanging out with her friends]'' :'''Stan''': What's goin' on, Dipper? Ah, you're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh? Guess it's time you and me had a man-to-man talk - about [[w:Birds and the bees|the birds and the bees]], you know? :''[Cut to Stan opening a book called "Why Am I Sweaty?"]'' :'''Mabel''': I—I should really be going- :'''Stan''': No way out of it. Look, it all begins with this little fella, the [[w:Pituitary gland|pituitary gland]]. He may be little, but he has [[w:Puberty|BIG PLANS]]. :'''Mabel''': [screams] :'''Stan''': ''[later; closing the book]'' And now you know [[w:Sexual intercourse|where babies come from]]. :'''Mabel''': Goodbye, childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': 3, 4, 5. ''[Phone rings.]'' It's him, my dream date. Hello? :'''Robot Voice''': Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2. :'''Candy''': Kevin has the voice of a robot. :'''Grenda''': Don't ruin this for me, Candy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested. :'''Grenda''': How could you say that to Kevin? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is… I'm going to have to cut your pay. :'''Waddles in Soos's Body''': ''[Puts hand on Stan's face.]'' :'''Stan''': What are you doing? :'''Waddles''': ''[Breathes eerily]'' :'''Stan''': Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work. :'''Waddles''': ''[Continues breathing creepily]'' :'''Stan''': Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' Oh, no! Then again, I like having muscles for once. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Mabel's body]'' Wow! Now I have tiny little doll hands! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' Cool, I'm Santa Claus. :'''McGucket''': ''[in Candy's body]'' Whoo-ee! ''[laughs]'' I've regained my innocence! :'''Dipper''': ''[in Waddles' body]'' Well, I guess I'm a pig now. So, that's a thing. :'''Soos''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' This body's not that different from my old one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer Blubs''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' My horoscope didn't say anything about this. :'''Officer Durland''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' AHH! What's happenin' to me?! :'''Candy''': ''[in Officer Blubs' body]'' I am police officer now. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Officer Durland's body]'' Let's go bust some perps, Candy. ===''Boyz Crazy'' [1.17]=== {{line}} :'''Mabel''': SEV'RAL TIMEZ is playing at the the Gravity Falls Civic Center and Buffet. :'''Dipper''': Ughh, Sev'Ral Timez? Aren't they that boy band that came a decade too late? :''[Cut to a music video of Sev'Ral Timez doing "Cray Cray Feat Lenz Flar"]'' :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Oh Oh! Girl you got me actin' so Cray Cray! (Cray-Cray!) You say you won't be my baby! We're not threatening! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, you know all those boy bands are fake - Right? :'''Wendy''': Dipper's right. They're just a manufactured product of the bloated corporate music industry. :'''Mabel''': You're making my dance sad. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': You guys can't ruin this for me. Mabel's got backup. :''[Grenda and Candy come rolling into the Shack decked out with Sev'Ral Timez merch]'' :'''Grenda''': Hey guys. :'''Candy''': Woo-Hoo. :'''Mabel''': I'm ready for the greatest night of our live. [singing] "How many times am I gonna love ya?" :'''Grenda and Candy''': "SEV'RAL TIMEZ!" :''[Grenda Candy and Mabel run away giggling]'' :'''Dipper''': Uhhh, GIRLS. :'''Wendy''': I know, Right? {{line}} :''[Dipper talking to Stan about Wendy]'' :'''Dipper''': So wait...You actually believe my theory? :'''Grunkle Stan''': You're darn right I do. And we're gonna get to the bottom of it...Right after I get to the bottom of this brown meat. :''[Stan opens a can of brown meat and downs it]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's APOCA-LICIOUS! {{line}} :''[During the Sev'Ral Timez concert, Deep Chris sits down to talk to his audience]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Hey Girl, I just wanna get real for a moment and say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. For you specifically, not the girl sitting next to you, but YOU. :'''Concert Girl1''': I LOVE YOU DEEP CHRIS! :'''Concert Girl2''': HE WAS TALKING TO ME! :''[All the girls start throwing chairs and fighting. Tyler Cutebiker is at the show watching the mayhem]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Git 'Em, Git 'Em. :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Thank you! Good Night! {{line}} :''[After finding Sev'Ral Timez private room backstage and avoiding the evil manager Mr. Bratzman, Mabel, Grenda and Candy finally meet their idols - locked in a cage.]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Ohh, WHO goes there? Prepare to be danced at. :'''Creggy G''': Step off Deep Chris. She's a lady. Don't disrespect her bro. Don't disrespect. :'''Deep Chris''': MY bad. :'''Deep Chris''': Chubby Z let's calm this boo by posin' for her, poster-style. :'''Mabel''': Whoo! Trying hard not to let my brain explode. I've always wanted to meet you guys, But what was the deal with that scary chubb-chubb man? :'''Deep Chris''': Mr. Bratzman's our producer, Yo. :'''Creggy G''': He genetically engineered us to be the perfect boy band, G. :'''Chubby Z''': But he keeps us in cages. That junk is straight brutal girl. :'''Mabel''': That is straight brutal Chubby Z. :'''Creggy G''': Our one dream is to escape into the REAL world - for real. Yo, I heard about these things called trees. I don't know what they are, but I wanna kiss one. :'''Greggy C''': But we can't disobey Mr. Bratzman. He says he loves us. :'''Mabel''': If he loved you, he'd set you free. :'''Creggy G''': True dat, true dat. :'''Chubby Z''': That's a valid perspective. :''[Mabel uses a hairpin to unlock the boyz cage,]'' :'''Mabel''': Let's go right now. Me and my friends can help you escape. :'''Grenda''': We're Masters of '''''STEALTH!''''' :'''Chubby Z''': Yo, You'd really do that for us beef? :'''Mabel''': You can count on me. I'm sorry, did you just call me beef? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': All right, it took all day, but I converted it to a record. And now we can slow it down to see if the mind-control message theory is correct. Prepare to have your mind blown. :'''Stan''': Spit-take, here I come. ''[sips Pitt Cola]'' :''[Dipper plays and slows down the record, with a tapeman ready to record]'' :'''Stan''': Hmm... that's not spit worthy. What gives? :'''Dipper''': What? Is that it? ''[fiddles with the speed]'' Ugh, This was so stupid! ''Course'' there's no hidden mind-control messages. Mabel was right. Wendy just likes the song. She just likes Robbie. :'''Wendy''': ''[entering with Robbie]'' Hey, Dip. Forgot my keys. :'''Robbie''': What's up, junior? What are you doing? Trying to come up with an equation to make girls like you? [laughs] :'''Wendy''': Ready to go to Lookout Point? :'''Robbie''': Heh, am I. ''[leaving with her]'' Later, dorks. Catch ya on the rewind. ''[chuckles]'' I made that up. :'''Stan''': I'll rewind your ''FACE!'' :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute. Stan, rewind! :''[He manually turns the record backwards, and it plays "You are now under my control! Your mind is mine!"]'' :'''Stan''': ''[spits soda into Dipper's face]'' Holy mackerel! Now ''there's'' your spit-take! :'''Dipper''': Ha ha! I knew it! It's mind control after all! Oh no! I've got to save Wendy! :'''Stan''': Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll! <hr width="50%"> :'''Robbie''': ''[after Wendy breaks up with him]'' Oh, man. :'''Stan''': Look, if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is coming soon. Bury your gold. You've been buying gold, right? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Women. They're the ''real'' mystery, Dip. You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the "bad guy". :'''Dipper''': No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life. She probably hates me now. :'''Stan''': Ah, chin up, kid. You were tryin' to do the right thing even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car. :'''Dipper''': You think she'll ever forgive me? :'''Stan''': Ah, I bet she will. And until then, you can always go bowling with me. :'''Dipper''': Thanks, Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': Don't mention it, kid. ''[gnawing is heard from outside]'' Wait a second... is something rooting through our trash? ''[cut to a Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can; Stan drives him away with a broom]'' Hey, hey! GET OUTTA HERE! Darn beautiful men. Always eating out of my trash. Wait, what? ===''Land Before Swine'' [1.18]=== :''[From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]'' :'''Bobby Renzobbi''': I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it ''does'' work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR '''''PIGS!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]'' :'''Mabel''': Go, go. Chew that pant leg. :''[Stan tears his pant leg free.]'' :'''Stan''': All right, that tears it. Outside, now. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, no. You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators. And barbecuers. :'''Stan''': That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious. :'''Mabel''': He should be inside like a person. :'''Stan''': People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos. :'''Mabel''': And we're the lesser for it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles. :'''Stan''': He's a fat, naked jerk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]'' :'''Mabel''': Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen? Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him ''outside''? :'''Stan''': What? No, I didn't put him anywhere. I'm not acting suspicious. You're acting suspicious. What's a pig? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I should have put that pig outside ages ago. :'''Mabel''': Wait, what did you just say? :'''Stan''': Hm? What's that? :'''Mabel''': You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. ''[gasps]'' :'''Stan''': No! Wait, uh, if you think about it- :'''Mabel''': You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD! :'''Stan''': Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside. :'''Mabel''': No, that's it. Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again. :'''Stan''': Look, you can't be serious. :'''Mabel''': Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them. :'''Stan''': Kid. :'''Mabel''': ''[plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle]'' La la la la la! I can't hear anyone. No one's talking to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]'' :'''Stan''': The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig. What are you looking at? Aw, come on, don't give me that look. What am I supposed to do, let it eat me? Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal. Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. Telling me her jokes. Making me laugh. :''[Waddles snorts and cocks his head]'' :'''Stan''': ''[chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl]'' Aw, dang it. ''[as the pterodactyl flies straight for them]'' Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. ''[dons the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it]'' You want this pig?! THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME! ===''Dreamscaperers'' [1.19]=== :'''Bill''': Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back. Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? ''[laughs]'' I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon. :'''Gideon''': W-what are you? H-how do you know my name? :'''Bill''': Oh, I know lots of things. '''LOTS OF THINGS.''' Hey, look what I can do. ''[magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands]'' Deer teeth. For you, kid. ''[laughs]'' :'''Gideon''': You're insane! :'''Bill''': Sure I am, what's your point? ''[restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]'' :'''Gideon''': Listen to me, demon! I have a job for you. I need you to enter the mind of Stanford Pines and steal the code to his safe. ''[Mabel and Soos gasp]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Laughs]'' Wait... Stan Pines? You know what, kid? You've convinced me! I'm sold! I'll help you with this and in return you can help me with something I've been working on! We'll work out the details later. :'''Gideon''': Deal! :'''Bill''': Well, time to invade Stan's mind! This should be fun! Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold. Bye! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a memory of Stan as a door-to-door salesman]'' :'''Stan''': Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything. ''[door slams shut]'' Gotta work on that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': One nightmare, coming up! :'''Soos''': Nightmare? I hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about. :'''British Dog-Man''': ''[appears]'' 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Who's crike for a stick in the pudding? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one. :'''Soos''': ''[whispering to Mabel]'' He's talking about you. :'''Bill''': So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. '''BUT KNOW THIS.''' A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you. '''I'll be watching you'''. ===''Gideon Rises'' [1.20]=== :''[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]'' :'''Jeff''': This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. Scrub, scrub. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me. :'''Dipper''': Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair. :'''Jeff''': Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock, get my cologne. :''[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]'' :'''Shmebulock''': Shmebulock. :'''Jeff''': Is "Shmebulock" all you can say? :'''Shmebulock''': ''[nodding "yes"]'' Shmebulock. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever ''that'' is. :'''Announcer''': Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway? Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel. <hr width="50%"> :''[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]'' :'''Dipper''': Gimme that back or I'll- :'''Gideon''': Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh, huh? No muscles, no brains. Face it, you're nothin' without this. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got. :'''Soos''': Right away, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Soos? What are you doing here? :'''Soos''': Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it? :''[Soos runs in with a fire extinguisher.]'' :'''Stan''': You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was! :'''Soos''': Hey, I'm here for you, dude. :'''Stan''': The entire lower half of your body is on fire. :'''Soos''': Shhh, we're having a moment. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Wait. Wait. Stop everything. I’ve got something to say. :'''Blubs''': Not this guy again. :'''Stan''': Just wait! Look! You guys all think Gideon is so perfect and honest, "Oh. I can never tell a lie, I’m Gideon." :'''Blubs''': He’s more honest than you. :'''Durland''': Yeah! And he’s psychic too. :'''Stan''': How’s this for psychic? BAM! ''[kicks a metal stab revealing a control panel inside]'' Take a good look. :'''Lazy Susan''': Wait a minute? Is that me? ''[on the monitor]'' The secret ingredient to my coffee omelette is coffee. :'''Toby''': And me. :'''Doctor''': ''[on the monitor]'' I can verify that that birthmark is indeed disgusting. :'''Everyone''': That’s me! That’s me! That’s me! :'''Stan''': That's right; these pins are hidden cameras! And my hearing aid was picking up the feedback! Who's the fraud now? :''[Stan crushes the pin which indeed has a hidden camera inside. Everyone throws down their pins]'' :'''Durland''': Gideon, we gave you our trust. :'''Manly Dan''': You lied to us. :'''Gideon''': Please, I... It's not what it looks like. What are you gonna do with me? :'''Durland''': Tyler? :'''Tyler''': Get him. ''[sniffs]'' Get him. :'''Blubs''': Lil' Gideon, you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud and breaking our hearts. Durland, the tiny handcuffs. :'''Gideon''': ''[Durland handcuffs him]'' What?! No! :'''Stan''': Just one more thing! :'''Gideon''': ''[Stan picks him up and shakes him]'' Let go of me! Ow! Ow! Ow! :'''Stan''': ''[retrieves Journal Number Two and the deed to the Mystery Shack]'' I believe this belongs to me. :'''Gideon''': ''[gets loaded into a police car]'' No! No! Watch the hair! You can't do this to me! Y'all are sheep! You need me! I'll be back! You'll hear from my lawyers! :'''Shandra''': There you have it. Local hero Stanford Pines has just exposed Li'l Gideon as a fraud. Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford? :'''Stan''': The Mystery Shack is back, baby! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. ''[Hands Journal 3 to Stan]'' It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it. :''[Stan skims through the book]'' :'''Stan''': I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper. ''[laughs]'' Now I know where you've been getting it all from. Spookums and monsters. This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies. :'''Dipper''': But it's all real. :'''Stan''': Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff. Mind if I borrow this? :'''Dipper''': Wait, no. Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': "Magic book." ''[laughs more]'' Ridiculous. ''[leaves with the book]'' :'''Dipper''': Stan, I need it! :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands. You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not. :'''Dipper''': Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though. :'''Mabel''': I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway? ==Season 2== ===''Scary-oke'' [2.01]=== :'''Stan''': Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon. :'''Crowd''': Boo! :'''Stan''': Please, please. Boo ''harder.'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Agent Powers''': My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town. :'''Agent Trigger''': ''[pointing at Stan]'' ''Activity!'' :'''Stan''': "Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking. :'''Agent Powers''': I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs nervously]'' :'''Agent Powers''': I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," ''[gasps]'' "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra! :'''Stan''': Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, what is the one thing I asked you not to do tonight? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. :'''Mabel''': And what did you do? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': ''[fighting zombies]'' All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice? The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME! ===''Into the Bunker'' [2.02]=== :''[Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film]'' :'''Girl''': What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead. :'''Boy''': Far worse, Trixandra. They're NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE! :''[Title Screen: "NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!"]'' :'''Dipper''': Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies. :'''Wendy''': They're slow. Just power-walk away from them. :'''Dipper''': How much do you want to bet the guy dies first? :''[On the TV...]'' :'''Chadley''': Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot! :''[Dipper and Wendy laugh]'' :'''Wendy''': Chadley ain't pretty no more. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Oh, man. Was this place built in the past or the future? :'''Soos''': Yeah, this room is way creepy. :'''Mabel''': Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room]'' :'''Mabel''': They sure are taking their time in there. :'''Soos''': Didn't Dipper say something about a monster? :'''Mabel''': Oh, no. I thought he was joking. :'''Soos''': You know Dipper's jokes are terrible! <hr width="50%"> :''[After Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos trap the Shape Shifter back in the freezer]'' :'''Shape Shifter''': You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author. If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine - and this will be the last form you ever take! :''[It turns into Dipper and does a terrified scream, becoming frozen in that shape]'' :'''Soos''': ''[to Dipper]'' Good luck sleeping tonight. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Listen Dipper, I'm like super flattered, but... I'm too old for you. I mean you know that, right? :'''Dipper''': Mabel said confessing would make me feel better. :'''Wendy''': Well how do you feel? :'''Dipper''': Anxious. Scared. Kinda itchy. :'''Wendy''': Dude, don't be itchy man. Let me tell you something. This summer was super boring until you showed up. I have more fun with you than like practically anybody else. And if you ever stopped being my friend... I would like throw myself into the Bottomless Pit! === ''The Golf War'' [2.03] === :'''Stan''': Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them. :'''Dipper''': Pass. <hr width="50%"> :''[Meeting the Lilliputtians]'' :'''Mabel''': Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud. :'''Dipper''': Pst, Mabel. This is perfect. These guys control the course. Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win. :'''Mabel''': I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating? :'''Dipper''': Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Northwest''': Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything. :'''Mrs. Northwest''': Oh, and looks. Winning and looks. :'''Pacifica''': Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours. I got this. You'll stay and watch, right? :'''Mr. Northwest''': Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper. Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': ''[to Sergei]'' How much you wanna bet they're no-shows? :''[Lights come on, revealing Mabel and Dipper]'' :'''Mabel''': Looking for someone? :'''Pacifica''': ''[sarcastic]'' Waiting in the dark? Not creepy at all. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Stan, Soos, Dipper and Mabel take Pacifica home in their car]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, I found two tacos. :'''Pacifica''': You're allowed to eat in the car? :'''Mabel''': Yeah. The car is where secret surprise snacks happen. Want one? :'''Pacifica''': Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts. :'''Mabel''': "Handouts"? It's called sharing. You do know what sharing is, right? :'''Pacifica''': "Sha... shahring"? :'''Mabel''': Just take it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': Tell your servant I like his W-neck. :'''Soos''': Yes! === ''Sock Opera'' [2.04] === :'''Mabel''': Don't stay up all night, Dipper. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you. :'''Dipper''': You again! :'''Bill''': Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me. :'''Dipper''': Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind! :'''Bill''': It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an '''''EYE ON YOU''''' since then, and I must say, I'm impressed. :'''Dipper''': Really? :'''Bill''': You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming. :''[He claps; a screaming head appears and drops in front of Dipper. Bill snaps and shreds the head to a skull layer by layer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... '''''favor''''' in return. :'''Dipper''': I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time! :'''Bill''': Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, ''[pretends to grab Dipper's brain]'' I'll be here for you, ready to make a deal. Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? ''AAH!'' ''[come to reality, Dipper wakes up]'' :'''Dipper''': ''AAH!'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. ''[slaps himself on the cheek]'' Whoo! ''[slaps the other cheek]'' Haha, pain is hilarious. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body, holding a can of Pitt cola]'' Human soda. I'm gonna drink it like a person. ''[pours it in his mouth and on his eyes, laughing]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[as a ghost]'' I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you! :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' But how can you stop me if you ''don't exist?'' ''[cackles evilly]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Hey, Soos, wanna hear the exact time and date of your death? :'''Soos''': ''[chuckles]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': He loves it. This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show? :'''Dipper''': ''[as a sock puppet]'' Mabel, you want me to be a sock puppet forever?! :'''Mabel''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sorry. You look funny when you're mad. :''[Dipper grunts angrily, which is the exact same thing Kermit the Frog did]'' :'''Mabel''': Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' How's about you hand that book over? :'''Mabel''': No way, this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away! :'''Bill''': Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you. So come to your senses. Give me the book or your play is ruined. There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling? :'''Mabel''': Dipper would. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's worn-out body]'' What is this feeling? My body is burning. I can't move these stupid noodle legs. Curse you, useless flesh-sticks. Body shutting down. Must... scratch... mosquito bites. <hr width="50%" /> :''[After Dipper and Mabel are forced to blow up the puppet show to get rid of Bill]'' :'''Mabel''': Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it. Cue applause! :''[the audience boos them and leaves]'' :'''Mabel''': Gabe. Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches. :'''Gabe''': Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form. Let's go, my loves. ''[leaves, kissing his puppets]'' :'''Dipper''': Did he just make out with his puppets? :'''Mabel''': I might've dodged a bullet there. === ''Soos and the Real Girl'' [2.05] === :''[Soos inserts "Romance Academy 7" disc into hard drive; a "Year 2000 Electronics" title screen is shown]'' :'''Soos''': Man, I can't wait for the year 2000. :''[the main menu for "Romance Academy 7" pops up; the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (Japanese for "spontaneous combustion")]'' :'''Soos''': Ehh, start. "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom, anthyding can hadplen." That is so true. :'''.GIFfany''': Oh, hi there. My name is .GIFfany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books? ''[options for "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'm really feeling number two here. Click. ''[buzzes]'' Ah! I messed up. :'''.GIFfany''': That's okay. Try again. ''[Soos clicks "Yes of course!", awards him "100 Love Points" as coins and a cat fall down the screen]'' :'''Soos''': Wow, I'm learning. And games are making it fun. :'''.GIFfany''': What would you like to talk about? ''[options for "Your interests!", "Samurais!" and "Squids!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'd rather just click your face. :''.GIFfany''': Ha ha. You are so funny. :'''Soos''': Man, this game is amazing. I don't know why anyone abandoned it. :'''.GIFfany''': And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend. :'''Soos''': Boyfriend? Oh my, Giffany. It's almost like you're actually alive. :'''.GIFfany''': Yes. Almost. Haha, Haha, Haha, Haha. :'''Soos''': Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh. <hr width=50%/> :'''.GIFfany''': ''[appears at once on several TVs]'' That's not important. ''[appears on several more TVs]'' What's important is that you don't have to talk to real girls ever again. You and me can be together... ''[appears on all the TVs at once]'' '''''forever.''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': You don't understand, Wendy. This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me. :'''Wendy''': This is literally too dumb for me to care about. <hr width=50%/> :'''Soos''': Please, let my friends go. I'll do anything you want, I promise. :'''.GIFfany''': I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend. Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. Do you really think that Melody will take you back after this awful date? I can download your brain into the game, with me, and we'll be together '''forever.''' :'''Soos''': Ah! Stay back! :'''.GIFfany''': Come on, Soos. Don't let me delete you too. :'''.GIFfany''': What do you say, boyfriend? :'''Soos''': I say '''''GAME OVER, GIFFANY!''''' ===''Little Gift Shop of Horrors'' [2.06]=== :'''Stan''': ''[at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern]'' Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams. ''[the traveller backs away]'' Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise". :''[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]'' :'''Stan''': Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Movies are great. You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you - next thing you know, you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart. Forget that last part. <hr width=50%/> :''[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]'' :'''Cinnamon''': You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart. :'''Shimmery Twinkleheart''': No, ''you'' did it, Cinnamon. :'''Mabel''': ''[with Twinkleheart]'' Because you believed in yourself. :''[Stan and Soos groan]'' :'''Dipper''': Everything about this is bad. :'''Stan''': Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day. :'''Mabel''': Ooh, old people movies. Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Those monsters are just tiny clay figures moved around one frame at a time by an antisocial shut-in. :'''Soos''': Those people are called animators. ===''Society of the Blind Eye'' [2.07]=== :'''Younger McGucket''': My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket. For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. ''[He holds up the memory erasing ray.]'' Test subject One: Fiddleford. ''[He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on]'' It worked! I can't recall a thing. ''[Static]'' I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! ''[Static, McGucket is more disheveled]'' Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. ''[Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.]'' I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... ''[static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.]'' I saw something in the lake, something big! ''[Rips his hair out, static.]'' My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? ''[static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:]'' Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! ''[which is Abtash for:]'' Bill Cipher! Triangle! ''[The tape ends as McGucket forms a triangle around his right eye]'' ===''Blendin's Game'' [2.08]=== :'''Young Soos''': ''[reading a postcard from his father]'' "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure. -Dad." :'''Reggie''': Hey, don't sweat it, cuz. You'll see him next year. :'''Young Soos''': ''Heh.'' Yeah. "Next year". :''[Soos puts the postcard in a box with several other similar cards]'' :'''Young Soos''': I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Time Baby''': Let the Globnar ''begin''. ===''The Love God'' [2.09]=== :'''Mabel''': So anyway, can you make ''anything'' fall in love? Like that snake and that badger? :'''Love God''': Hmm, ah gee, I dunno. That might be kinda hard to- ''[points at the animals]'' KABOOM! Match made. :'''Mabel''': They're gonna make a "snadger"! How are you doing that? :'''Love God''': Love potion, yo. I got it all: summer love, young love, anti-love. You just gotta put a little on your fingers, and pow! :'''Mabel''': I need that potion. How much would it cost? And would you accept squirrels as payment? :'''Love God''': Whoa-ho-ho! No way. You might ''think'' you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert. :'''Woman''': Love God! Sign my face! :'''Love God''': Only if you sign mine, baby, LET'S GET WEIRD! <hr width="50%"> :'''Teen 1''': ''[seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"]'' I eat kids? But we're kids! :'''Teen 2''': It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! ''[The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]'' :'''Charlie''': Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us? :'''Charlie's Mother''': Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will! ===''Northwest Mansion Mystery'' [2.10]=== :'''Priscilla''': Pacifica! The theme is seafoam green, not ''lake''foam green! Go change! :'''Pacifica''': But... I kinda like it. :'''Preston''': Listen to your mother, Pacifica. :'''Pacifica''': But- :''[Preston rings a handbell; Pacifica stops and sighs]'' :'''Pacifica''': Yes, Father. <hr width="50%"> :'''TV Announcer''': You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of ''Ghost Harassers'', on the [[w:History Channel|Used-To-Be-About-History Channel]]! :'''Dipper''': ''[sips a Pitt cola]'' Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset. <hr width="50%"> :'''Preston''': Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind? :'''Dipper''': ''"My kind"?'' ''[Looks at Pacifica]'' I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain. :'''Pacifica''': I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but- :''[Preston rings the bell]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]'' :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will ''BURN!'' ''[laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]'' :'''Pacifica''': Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back! :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise! :'''Preston''': Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. ''[whispering]'' We'll eat the butler. ''[Pacifica reaches for the lever]'' You dare to disobey us? ''[he rings his bell. Pacifica struggles with herself, then finally defies him]'' Dingally dingally! Is this bell broken? :'''Pacifica''': Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it! :''[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Get in, get in. :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': Yes! ''YES!'' It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. ''[restores the Manor and the guests to normal]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Marius von Fundshauser''': Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you ''mein'' phone number? :'''Grenda''': I don't have a phone! Write it on my face! :'''Mabel''': Whoa! Go, Grenda. :'''Candy''': I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid. :'''Mabel''': What? I call co-bridesmaid. ===''[[w:Not What He Seems|Not What He Seems]]'' [2.11]=== :'''Soos''': ''[pointing at the portal timer]'' It's the final countdown! Just like {{w|Europe (band)|they always}} {{w|The Final Countdown (song)|sung about}}! <hr width=50%> :'''Agent Powers''': Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges? :'''Stan''': Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call? :''[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy. :'''Stan''': ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''Soos!''" :'''Soos''': ''[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker]'' Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation? :'''Stan''': "''Soos, pick up!''" ''[Soos picks up walkie-talkie]'' :'''Soos''': Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food. :'''Stan''': "''Listen, I need something from you.''" ''[at police station]'' You know that vending machine in the gift shop? ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine.''" :''[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]'' :'''Soos''': Time for a repair guy to become a repair man. :'''Drive-Thru Employee''': ''[hands out a kids box]'' Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal? :'''Soos''': Just put one in my mouth. ''[employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it]'' Let's do this. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[drops toxic waste on his foot]'' HOT BELGAN WAFFLES! Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real. ''[inhales]'' SON OF A- :''[Dipper quickly fast-forwards the tape while Mabel covers her ears]'' :'''Dipper''': That's him, alright. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[while Soos is tackling his boss]'' Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order! :'''Soos''': Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids! :'''Stan''': Soos, you idiot, let me go! <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head! :'''Stan''': Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy? :'''Dipper''': He's lying! Shut it down NOW! :'''Stan''': Mabel, please! :'''Computer''': Ten. Nine. :''[Mabel struggles to decide who to listen to]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan... :'''Computer''': Six. Five. :''[she lets go of the button switch and floats up]'' :'''Mabel''': ...I trust you. :'''Dipper''': '''MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!''' :'''Computer''': One. :''[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel disappear in an explosion of white light as each of them screams. Everything floats through the white light for several seconds before it disappears and they all come crashing back down. A mysterious figure comes out of the portal, places his six-fingered hand on the journal, and puts it in his jacket pocket]'' :'''Dipper''': What...? Who is that? :'''Stan''': The author of the journals. ''[The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan]'' My brother. :'''Mabel''': Is this the part where one of us faints? :'''Soos''': Oh, I am so on it, dude. ''[Does so]'' ===''A Tale of Two Stans'' [2.12]=== :'''Ford''': Hehehehe, Wait up! :'''Stan''': Yeah, you should keep up. :'''Ford''': I...I can keep up. ''[Peeks through some boards]'' Whoa. :'''Stan''': Neato. :'''Ford''': Mysterious, boarded-up cave. It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms. Or Mesoamerican gold. :'''Stan''': Uh, ladies first. :''[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]'' :''[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]'' :'''Stan''': Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! ''[Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it]'' Cool. Splinters. :'''Ford''': ''[Shines flashlight into the cave]'' Whoa, it's so creepy in here. :'''Stan''': ''[Comes into the cave]'' Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place. :''[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]'' :'''Stan and Ford''': ''[Walk off, chanting:]'' Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ford''': I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley. :'''Dipper''': Stanley? :'''Mabel''': But... your name is Stanford. :'''Ford''': Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head? :'''Dipper''': Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret? :'''Mabel''': And what happened between you and your brother? :'''Soos''': I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother! :'''Ford''': ''[Punches him in the face]'' :'''Stan''': Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for? :'''Ford''': This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings? :'''Stan''': Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension? :'''Ford''': Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago? :'''Stan''': What I did? Why, you ungrateful... ''[Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him]'' Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. ''[As Ford slams him to the ground]'' Ah! :'''Mabel''': Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?! :'''Ford''': Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher? :'''Soos''': Heh heh. I get that a lot. :'''Stan''': They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids. :'''Ford''': I...have a niece and nephew? ''[Shakes Mabel's hand]'' Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal. :'''Ford''': Heha, I like this kid. She's weird. :'''Dipper''': I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals! :'''Ford''': You've read my journals? :'''Dipper''': I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I ''[Starts breathing heavily]'' OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. ''[Mabel comes over and pats him on the back]'' Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out. <hr width=50%/> :''[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[in a commercial]'' Hi there. I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises. Are you sick of this always happening to you? ''[gets splashed with juice]'' Then you need the shammy of the future. Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon. That's the Sham-Total. It's a total sham. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. Suckers! I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania. :'''Stanley''': ''[in another commercial]'' Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off. The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' It gave you rashes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': ''[voiceover]'' I knew I'd have to record my findings. ''[in flashback, Stanford traces his hand on gold paper and uses it to create Journal 1]'' I began to keep a journal. :'''Dipper''': ''[squeals excitedly]'' '''The journals!''' ''[everyone stares at Dipper]'' Sorry, sorry, just uh... ''[clears throat]'' ...got excited there about the journals. Keep...keep talking. :'''Ford''': I began to keep a journal. ''[Dipper squeals again; clears throat]'' Just going to ignore that… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stanley''': Look, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee. :'''Stanford''': Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore. :'''Stanley''': Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay? :'''Stanford''': I have something to show you. Something you won't believe. :'''Stanley''': Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. ''[standing in the portal room]'' There is nothing about this I understand. :'''Stanford''': It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left, and you are the only person I can trust to take it. ''[gives Stan the journal]'' I have something to ask of you. Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can, to the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it. :'''Stanley''': That's it?! You finally want to see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible? :'''Stanford''': Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against. What I've been through. :'''Stanley''': No, no! You don't understand what ''I've'' been through! I've been to prison in three different countries. I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? ''I've got a mullet, Stanford''! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods. Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself! :'''Stanford''': I'm selfish? ''I'm'' selfish, Stanley?! How can you say that after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen! :'''Stanley''': Well listen to this: You want me to get rid of this book? Fine. I'll get rid of it right now! ''[he pulls out a lighter and brings it to Journal 3]'' :'''Ford''': No! ''[Grabs the journal]'' You don't understand! :'''Stan''': ''[Takes it back]'' You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it! :'''Ford''': My research! ''[Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him]'' Stanley, give it back! ''[Pushes him onto some of the buttons]'' :'''Stan''': You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that! :''[The portal turns on as they struggle over the journal]'' :'''Stan''': You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life! :'''Ford''': You ruined your own life! ''[Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams in pain and falls to the floor]'' Stanley! Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! Are you alr- :''[Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever]'' :'''Stan''': Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE EM! ''[Shoves Ford back into the portal, and he starts getting sucked into it]'' Whoa whoa hey, what's going on? Hey hey, Stanford- :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley, help me! :'''Stan''': Oh no, what do I do?! :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! ''[Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal. A flash of white engulfs everything and fades]'' :'''Stan''': Stanford? ''[Ford's glasses fall onto the floor as he runs to the portal]'' Stanford, come back! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! ''[Pounds on the side of the portal which turns off. He runs to the lever and tries to pull it]'' I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah come on! ''STANFORD!'' ''[Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:]'' I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. ''[Stanley renovates Stanford's house into the Mystery Shack]'' So once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so, the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack. :''[Shows the Murder Hut aka Mystery Shack over the years.]'' :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheap paid off. ''[Stanley grows up.]'' The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery! ''[Stan shows the crowd out and goes behind the vending machine.]'' But by night, I was down in the basement trying to bring the real Stanford back. I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth in sabotoging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids. :'''Dipper''': So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you. :'''Stan''': That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either. ===''Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons'' [2.13]=== :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today! :'''Mabel''': Dogs! Dogs with hats! :'''Dipper''' No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: ''[holding up the boxed game]'' Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me? :'''Mabel''': Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play? :'''Dipper''' The rules are simple. ''[opens game book]'' First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel. :'''Mabel''': And ''then'' we ride unicorns? :'''Dipper''': Yes. And no. First we make a graph. :'''Mabel''': Ugh, this is like Homework: The Game! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and play! <hr width=50%> :''[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]'' :'''Ford''': Ah! My ears. They're so pointy. :'''Dipper''': There better be something protective under this tunic... ''[checks]'' OH NO, THERE ISN'T! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': The Impossibeast?! Hey, I thought they banned this character! :'''Probabilitor''': Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': Dipper, can I tell you something? :''[Dipper nods]'' :'''Ford''': You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, ''[pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone]'' I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: ''[holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it]'' an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand? :'''Dipper''': Oh-uh, of course. :'''Ford''': In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do. :'''Dipper''': Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford. :'''Ford''': Goodnight, Dipper. ===''The Stanchurian Candidate'' [2.14]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[reading from parchment]'' Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly ''kiss'' upon him, anointing him mayor. ''[awkward pause]'' I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. :'''Misha''': No way! You would never ever do that, dude… I mean, Dipper! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview? :'''Stan''': I got my mouth, don't I? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]'' :'''Dipper''': And he's insisting on speaking his mind! ''[Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]'' :'''Ford''': So this ''is'' an emergency. :'''Dipper''': The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure. :'''Ford''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to [[brainwashing|control someone else]]. ''[opens his drawer]'' Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. ''[Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie]'' A long time ago, I designed a prototype for [[Ronald Reagan]]'s masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head. :'''Dipper''': ''[peers inside the tie]'' Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically [[ambiguity|ambiguous]]! :'''Ford''': ''[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper]'' As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to. :'''Dipper''': Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! ''[runs off]'' :'''Ford''': ''[waves, resumes his research]'' Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup? :'''Dipper''': ''[to Mabel]'' Jump in! Jump in! :''[Turns on the switch]'': :'''Stan''': ''[Under Mabel's control]'' Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! ''[Snaps his fingers]'' I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. ''[Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan]'' But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos''': YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shandra''': ''[on TV]'' This just in! Stanford Pines loses! ''[a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]'' :'''Dipper, Mabel, and Stan''': ''[watching]'' WHAT?! :'''Shandra''': Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record. :'''Stan''': Oh boy... :'''Mabel''': Stan, what did you do?! :'''Stan''': What ''didn't'' I do? :'''Shandra''': ''[reading through papers]'' Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...? :'''Stan''': ''[shakes fist]'' That llama knew too much! :'''Shandra''': Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker. :''[Tyler is shown on a podium, with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland giving him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers as a crowd cheers]'' :'''Tyler''': ''[blushing]'' Got it. :'''Shandra''': ''[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from]'' We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking... :''[Before Stan turns off the TV, a list is shown reading: "FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY."]'' :'''Stan''': Whew! At least they didn't list any of the ''bad'' ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast. ===''The Last Mabelcorn'' [2.15]=== :'''Wendy''': Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! ''AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!'' <hr width="50%"/> : '''Shady Gnome''': ''[trades two bags for a jar containing butterflies]'' Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed. :'''Grenda''': ''[checks bags]'' Where do you get this stuff? : '''Shady Gnome''': Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it’s made. :'''Grenda''': ''[takes off shades]'' You disgust me. :'''Shady Gnome''': You've got your poison, I've got mine. We made a deal. :'''Grenda''': Yeah, well, the deal is OFF! :''[Several police officer gnomes spring out, aiming pinecones at the shady gnome]'' :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Freeze! You're under arrest! Get down! Get down! :'''Shady Gnome''': These butterflies aren't mine! I swear! I've been framed! :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge! ''[to Grenda]'' My cut? ''[Grenda gives him one of the bags]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again? :'''Red Unicorn''': That is messed up, man. :'''Mabel''': Wait, "scam"? :'''Red Unicorn''': Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music. ''[horn lights up and plays music]'' :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone. :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Guys, shut up. :'''Mabel''': ''[enraged]'' All this time, all this time I thought I was a bad person, but you're even '''''worse''''' than I am! :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Okay, fine! So you learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off. What are you gonna do about it? Huh, huh? What are you gonna do? :''[Mabel punches her on the nose, making it leak rainbow-colored blood]'' :'''Wendy''': Woo! Go, Mabel! :'''Grenda''': Join the dark side! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?! :'''Bill''': Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart. Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party. Right, guys? :''[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]'' :'''Ford''': No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down! :'''Bill''': A deal's a deal, Sixer. You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try. Cute, even. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': To Bill, it's just a game, but to us it would mean... ''THE END OF OUR WORLD!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel. :'''Mabel''': Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative. :'''Stan ''': ''[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold]'' MONEY! ===''Roadside Attraction'' [2.16]=== :'''Stan''': Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure. :'''Dipper''': Hey, we're both failures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darlene''': You win this round, Stan! But mark my words, as long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan's RV enters Gravity Falls. The kids cheer]'' :'''Dipper''': I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps. :'''Stan''': Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen- SWEET LORD! ''[Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners]'' AH, ''COME ON''! :''[closeup on graffiti: "Stan is a HACK!"; "Stan is a BUTT: Granny Sweetkins says eat it <u>Pines</u>!"; the Upside-Down Town boss rotates the gift shop sign upside-down as payback; the Corn Maze Worker breaks one headlight on Stan's RV with a baseball ball]'' :'''Corn Maze Worker''': That's what you get! That's what you '''get'''! :'''Stan''': I don't understand. I ''completely'' don't deserve this. :'''Dipper''': Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up? :'''Mabel''': Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway? :''[post-credits scene: Soos is still stuck in the Corn Maze]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. ''[pause]'' Don't move. ''[another long pause]'' You know, I would make a really good scarecrow. ===''Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future'' [2.17]=== :''[At the Gravity Falls High School]'' :'''Wendy''': My dawgs! What up? :'''Mabel''': Wendy, what are you doing here? :'''Wendy''': Ugh, high school registration. :'''Mabel''': Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more "rom-com", or "wacky romp"? :'''Wendy''': More like "teen horror movie". High school is the worst. Classes get super-hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you! :'''Thompson''': Can't do it! CAN'T DO ANOTHER YEAR! :'''Robbie''': My hormones are like a SWEATY CAGE! :'''Mabel''': Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of [[w:High School Musical (franchise)|musical]]. :'''Wendy''': TV ''lied'', man! If you can avoid growing up, do it! I'd give anything to be twelve again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hey, everything all right, pumpkin? :'''Mabel''': Just can't believe the summer's almost over. And now that I know how awful high school's going to be, I'm in no hurry to start that train wreck. :'''Stan''': Ah, nobody likes gettin' older. But just because you're growing doesn't mean you have to ''grow up,'' you know? I mean, look at me. I'm pushin' 70 and I ''still'' eat ice cream for dinner! :'''Mabel''': But I don't wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls. :'''Stan''': Hey, at least whatever happens after this summer, you'll still have your brother along with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that, you know? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. ''[holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation]'' Ford's apprentice? Seriously?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me. :'''Mabel''': Well, it's a ''horrible'' opportunity for ''me!'' I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work. :'''Mabel''': I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever. :'''Dipper''': But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends. :''[Mabel glances at Dipper, pushes him away and runs off crying; she unknowingly grabs Dipper's backpack while running out]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back! <hr width="50%"/> :'''"Blendin"''': Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out. It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to! :'''Mabel''': R-really? But how does it work? :'''"Blendin"''': I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. ''[shows the rift]'' Something small; he won't even know it's missing. :'''Mabel''': Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag. :''[Cut to Ford's lab]'' :'''Ford''': Let me guess. Mabel didn't take it well? :'''Dipper''': I don't know, maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I need to think about this. :'''Ford''': Dipper, right now we need to focus on the mission. Now come on, I've got the glue; hand me the rift and let's make history. :''[Dipper reaches into his bag, but he takes out the birthday flyer instead of the rift]'' :'''Dipper''': What? OH, NO! '''''THE RIFT!''''' :''[Cut back outside as Mabel takes out the rift]'' :'''Mabel''': Huh, that's...odd. Is this it? :'''"Blendin"''': Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls? :'''Mabel''': Just a little more summer...''[hands over the rift]'' :'''"Blendin"''': '''''OOPS!''''' ''[drops the rift and smashes it with his boot]'' :'''Mabel''': What?! :''[Blendin cackles, taking off his goggles to show he is possessed by Bill Cipher]'' :'''Mabel''': Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait! :''[Bill snaps his fingers, knocking Mabel out. Cackling, he emerges from Blendin's body]'' :'''Bill''': At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! '''''THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': What's going on? What is that?! :'''Ford''': We're too late. '''It's the end of the world.''' ===''Weirdmageddon Part 1'' [2.18]=== :''[As Bill Cipher towers over Gravity Falls and its citizens]'' :'''Bill''': '''All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets!''' For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill. But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity. :''[he melts the statue of Nathaniel Northwest]'' :'''Bill''': Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends. ''[as various creatures come out of the scar in the sky]'' 8 Ball. Kryptos. The being whose name must never be said. Haha, what the heck? It's Zanthar. Then, of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire and these guys. This is our town now, boys! ''[all his friends start cackling out loud]'' :'''Mayor Tyler''': Now see here, you unholy triangle fella! As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here! :'''Lazy Susan''': Yeah! Things with one eye are weird! :'''Grenda''': We don't like out-of-towners! :'''Manly Dan''': ''[ripping a mailbox in half]'' AND WE PUNCH WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND! :'''Mr. Northwest''': I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your... Horsemen of the Apocalypse? :'''Pacifica''': Dad! :'''Mr. Northwest''': Not now, sweetie. The grownups are talking. :'''Bill''': Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How 'bout instead, I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face? :''[He clicks his fingers, and Mr. Northwest's face is suddenly grotesquely mixed up; he falls to the ground, giving out muffled screams as his family watches in horror; Bill cackles as people flee, and turns Deputy Durland to stone]'' :'''Sheriff Blubs''': Durland! My precious Deputy Durland, no! ''[one of the "Eye-Bats" transports Durland away]'' :'''Bill''': It's time we do a little redecorating! I could really use a ''castle'' of some kind! ''[causes a pyramid to form and float in the sky]'' And how about some bubbles of ''PURE MADNESS?! [summons colourful bubbles; one passes through Sprott, making him scream madly and rip his shirt apart]'' This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, to ''''' WEIRDMAGEDDON!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': So, this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a ''[twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion]'' "boop-boop." <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill! :'''Bill''': Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle: Why did the old man do this? ''[holds his arms at his sides vertically]'' :'''Ford''': ''[copying Bill's pose]'' "This?" ''[Bill suddenly turns him into a gold statue]'' :'''Bill''': Because I needed a new backscratcher. ''[Laughs with the Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Dipper''': That's ''ENOUGH!'' Hand over my uncle! ''[Holds up Journal 3]'' Or else! :'''Bill''': Now isn't...this...'''''INTERESTING?''''' ''[teleports right in front of Dipper]'' My old puppet is back for an encore! ''[dangles the petrified Ford]'' You think ''you'' can stop me? Go ahead, Pinetree, show me what you got! :'''Dipper''': ''[flips through Journal 3]'' I...uh, I...''[sees a blacklight entry on Bill saying "IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM THEN ALL IS LOST!"]'' :'''Bill''': ''[mockingly]'' "I, um, I-" Do it, kid! Do some ''brilliant'' thing that takes me down right now! Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone's waiting! ''DO IT!'' :'''Dipper''': ''BILL-!'' ''[lunges at Bill, who effortlessly blasts him into a tree. The Henchmaniacs jeer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[levitates the Journals]'' That's right. Don't be a hero, kid! ''[shows Ford]'' This'' is what happens to heroes in ''my'' world! ''[Sets the Journals aflame]'' :'''Dipper''': ''NO!'' The Journals! :'''Bill''': Not much of a threat now, are you? <hr width=50%> :''[Observing the weird phenomena all over Gravity Falls]'' :'''Wendy''': End of the world... man, those death metal album covers got it ''shockingly'' right. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill and his friends party in the Fearamid]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' Go nuts, guys! When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2. :''[Pounding is heard]'' :'''Voice''': Open up! This is the police. Time Police! :'''Bill''': Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch. Let me do the talking. :''[The Time Police and Time Baby blast in through the front doors]'' :'''Lolph''': Bill Cipher, you are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer. :'''Blendin''': My body is a temple! How dare you! :'''Time Baby''': Hear this, Cipher. :'''Bill''': Ugh, Time Baby. :'''Time Baby''': If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now, or face my tantrum. :'''Bill''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh no, a tantrum. Whatever will I do about that? '''HOW 'BOUT THIS?!?!''' '''''BOOM!''''' :''[He points at Time Baby and the police, instantly vaporizing them; eye turns into a mouth and blows the smoke off his finger]'' :'''Kryptos''': Ah, snap! He just killed Time Baby! ''[they all start partying again; Blendin hides behind a pole]'' :'''Blendin''': Aw, man! This has gone from bad to worse! I gotta get outta time-dodge! ''[uses his time tape and disappears]'' ===''Weirdmageddon 2: Escape from Reality'' [2.19]=== :'''Bill''': Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces. :'''Creature''': Eighty-''eight'' different faces. :'''Bill''': Whoa-ho, sorry. Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony. Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore... probably. :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[groans, unfreezes]'' Uh, my omelettes. They... have friendly faces. :'''Bill''': Whoops. Hehe, back, back you go there. ''[pats her back, she turns back into stone]'' But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! All right, boys, to the corners of the Earth! Set the world aflame with your weirdness! This dimension is ours! ''[the creatures fly out of the pyramid]'' Ah, global domination. I could get used to- ''[the creatures slam into the forcefield]'' '''WHAT?!''' ''[flies out and touches the forcefield]'' Hmm, this might be more complicated than I thought. :'''Paci-Fire''': I think I broke something. :'''Bill''': '''''WALK IT OFF!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': All right, can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound '''''INFINITE POWER''''', ''[summons a thunderstorm]'' none of us can escape the borders of this '''''STUPID HICK TOWN?!?''''' There's some kind of forcefield keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it? ''[looks at the petrified Ford]'' Hmm... ''[his eye cycles through images of the Journals]'' Maybe ''someone'' needs to come out of retirement. :'''Keyhole''': Bill! Sorry, boss, but Gideon let the Pines family escape! They're inside Mabel's bubble as we speak! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' Buddy, Mabel's bubble is the most diabolical trap I've ever created. It would take a will of ''titanium'' not to give in to its temptation! Fetch me Gideon and take the rest of the day off. ''[looks at Mabel's bubble in the distance]'' Things just got a little more interesting... <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': ''[pants]'' Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real ''world''! :''[many people and Mabel gasp out of earshot; Waffle Guards tackle Dipper down on the ground]'' :'''Dipper''': Hey! :'''Waffle Guard''': Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. ''[people mutter indistinctly]'' Prepare to be banished from this land forever! ''[open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You're smarter than this! Bill has you hypnotized or something! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?! :'''Mabel''': No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way. :'''Waffle Guard''': Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. ''[is bitten]'' Hey! Seriously?! :'''Soos''': ''[pointing to a stuffed rhino]'' It was him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever! :'''Dippy Fresh''': Hey, take a chill pill. Those grow on trees here. :'''Dipper''': You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh! :'''Soos''': Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Look, real life stinks sometimes, okay, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I thought ''you'' were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear, because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've travelled to Heck and back to get you, and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together. :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': ORDER! ORDER! ''[Bangs mallet]'' ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT, why is this hammer squeaky?! :'''Mabel''': You mean it? You're really coming home with me? :'''Dipper''': Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Awkward sibling hug? :''[Crowd shrieks]'' :'''Blue Bird''': Just don't do it! :'''Craz''': DON'T DO IT! :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': You do this and it's all over! :'''Mabel''': ''Sincere'' sibling hug. ''[Hugs Dipper]'' :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': DON'T DO THE PATS! :'''Dipper and Mabel''': ''[Pat each other]'' Pat pat. ''[A ripple comes from their spot, blowing Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein's wig away and one of the benches falls over. All of the jurors disappear]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[Rubs eyes]'' Aw, man, I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week? <hr width=50%> :''[Xyler and Craz emerge from a pile of confetti]'' :'''Xyler''': Whoa! We survived! ''[they stand up, Craz spits confetti]'' :'''Craz''': But where are we? ''[they walk to a bench and sit down]'' :'''Xyler''': Are we real? Is this reality? ''[they observe Gravity Falls in its chaos and destruction]'' [[Cats]] postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance. :'''Craz''': Totally righteous, bro. :'''Xyler''': I know. ===''Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back The Falls'' [2.20]=== :'''Larry King's Head''': Hey, is anyone gon' feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head needs num-nums. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes. :'''Jeff the Gnome''': Hey! I'm short, not deaf! :'''Stan''': Shh. Stress will make you chewy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ford''': Quit the games, Cipher! If I'm still alive, you must want something from me. :'''Bill''': Ah, sharp as ever, Fordsy. As you may have noticed, I've recently had a ''multidimensional makeover. I control space, matter, and now that that dumb baby's out of the way, time itself. But I wasn't always this way. You think those chains are tight? Imagine living in the Second Dimension: [[w:Flatland|flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams.]] I liberated my dimension, Stanford, and I'm here to liberate yours. There's just one hitch. As it turns out, my weirdness can't escape the magical confines of this town. There's something keeping me in. :'''Ford''': Incredible! Gravity Falls' Natural Law of Weirdness Magnetism - I studied this years ago! :'''Bill''': And did you find a way to undo it? :'''Ford''': Of course. There's a simple equation that could collapse the barrier. But I'd never tell you! :'''Bill''': Listen, Ford - if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free. Anything will be possible! I'll remake a fun world, a better world! A party that never ends with a host that never dies! No more restrictions! No more laws! You'd be one of us. All-powerful! Greater than anything you've imagined! And all I need is your help. :'''Ford''': You're insane if you think I'll help you! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' I'm insane either way, brainiac! But have it your way! I'll just fish around and get that equation ''directly out of your mind! [prepares to enter Ford's mind]'' :'''Ford''': Not so fast! You know the rules, Bill. ''[Bill returns to physical form]'' You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and let you in! :'''Bill''': ''[sighs, chains Ford up]'' You're making this so much harder than it needs to be. Everyone has a weakness, tough guy! I'll make you talk. It's only a matter of time! ''[Ford screams]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Soos''': Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords. :'''McGucket''': What's an anime? :'''Soos''': We have much to discuss. :'''Stan''': Discuss nothing. These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash. Excuse my French. :'''French Lilliputian''': Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir. ''[Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The Gravity Falls rebels confront Bill's gang in the "Shacktron"]'' :'''Soos''': ''[through a microphone]'' Uh, hey, dudes. Is this thing on? Test. ''[feedback screeches]'' Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. ''[pointing at Paci-Fire]'' Hey, you're a little cutie. :'''Paci-Fire''': I have butchered millions on countless moons. :'''Soos''': Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy. <hr width-"50%> :''[After the "Shacktron" defeats Bill's Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Bill''': Guys, seriously? You had, like, ''one'' job to do here. :'''Ford''': Bravo, Dipper and Mabel! :'''Bill''': ...Well, would you look at that! Those kids really care about you. And you care about them. '''''DON'T YOU?''''' :'''Ford''': What are you-? Oh. Oh, no! :'''Bill''': Perhaps torturing those kids'll make you talk. <hr width="50%"> :''[Grenda rips out Bill's eye with the Shacktron]'' :'''Bill''': ARGH! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Last chance: tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids! :'''Dipper''': No! Don't do it! :'''Mabel''': Yeah, Bill makes bad deals! :'''Bill''': Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! ''[his eye shows an image of a galaxy]'' I SEE EVERYTHI- ''[Mabel sprays it with paint]'' OW! Not again! Why?! ''Every'' time! :'''Stan''': Nice shot, pumpkin! :'''Bill''': I just regenerated that eye! :'''Mabel''': I ''know'' that hurts, because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': You two wait here! I've got some children I need to make into corpses! ''[morphs into a huge, red, multi-armed form]'' '''SEE YA REAL SOON!''' :'''Stan''': No! Wait! No! No! Oh, what do we do? What do we do?! :'''Ford''': ''[frantically bangs on cage bars]'' Kids! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna '''DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES! YOU'VE TRICKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup. :'''Ford''': ''[sighs]'' Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. ''[drinks from "water" flask and shares it with Stan]'' :'''Stan''': How did things get so messed up between us? :'''Ford''': We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it? :'''Stan''': Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. ''[Ford stands up]'' Whoa, where are you going? :'''Ford''': I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free. :'''Stan''': What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?! :'''Ford''': Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind. :'''Stan''': What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything. :'''Ford''': ''[chuckles]'' There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids. :'''Stan''': Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal? :'''Ford''': What other choice do we have? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! EENY... MEENY... MINEY...'''YOU!''' :'''Stan''': ''[wearing Ford’s clothes and imitating Ford’s voice]'' Wait! I surrender. :'''Bill''': Good choice. :'''Ford''': ''[wearing Stan’s clothes and imitating Stan’s voice]'' Don’t do it Ford! It’ll destroy the universe! :'''Stan''': It’s the only way! :'''Bill''': HAHAHAHA! Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along. ''[drops the cage and ties up Ford]'' :'''Stan''': My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go! :'''Bill''': Fine! :'''Dipper''': No! Grunkle Ford! Don’t trust him! :'''Bill''': It's a...DEAL! ''[Holds Stan's right hand, then enters the mental realm, petrifying his physical form and enters Stan’s mind]'' :'''Bill''': Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi- ''[opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]'' :'''Stan''': ''[Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]'' :'''Bill''': '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Stan''': Heh-heh, do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart. Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it. :''[Outside of Stan's mind, Ford pulls out the memory gun and aims it at Stan]'' :'''Bill''': What?! The deal's off! What the-?! No, no, no, NO! :'''Stan''': Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh? :'''Bill''': Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?! :'''Stan''': Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway. :'''Bill''': Let me outta here! Let me OUT! Why isn't this working?! :'''Stan''': Hey, look at me. Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon. You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family. :'''Bill''': ''You're'' making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! '''''PLEASE!''''' No...! '''WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!''' ''[begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words that, when played in reverse, are revealed to be:]'' '''A-X-O-L-O-T-L! MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN!''' '''''STANLEY!''''' ''[Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]'' :'''Stan''': Heh. Guess I was good for something after all. <hr width="50%"> :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. It's not on any maps and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods, waiting. ==Cast== *[[w:Jason Ritter|Jason Ritter]] – Dipper Pines *[[w:Kristen Schaal|Kristen Schaal]] – Mabel Pines *[[w:Alex Hirsch|Alex Hirsch]] – Grunkle Stan/Soos/Old Man McGucket/Bill Cipher *[[w:Linda Cardellini|Linda Cardellini]] – Wendy Corduroy *[[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Ford Pines (season 2) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Disney Channel shows]] [[Category:Disney XD shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about twins]] [[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]] oqcrlj8p3ktbp0s0crmhfxqmmd6z1f1 3955235 3955234 2026-06-22T06:47:06Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Scary-oke [2.01] */ 3955235 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Gravity Falls|Gravity Falls]]''''' (2012–2016) is an American animated television series which premiered on the [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] in 2012. ==Season 1== ===''Tourist Trapped'' [1.01]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[first lines, open narration]'' Ahh. Summer break. :'''Hank''': ''[cooking burgers on a grill]'' So you want cheese on that, hon? :'''Hank’s Wife''': Sure, Hank. :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy, unless you’re me. :''[Dipper and Mabel scream as they drive the golf cart away from a monster.]'' :'''Mabel''': It’s getting closer! :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. :''[The monster throws a fallen tree in their path.]'' :'''Mabel''': Look out! :''[Dipper and Mabel scream until the screen freezes.]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[narration]'' Rest assured, there’s a perfectly logical explanation. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' He's looking at it, he's looking at it. :'''A boy''': ''[reading from a letter]'' Do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely? :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' I rigged it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me. ''[turns cheek to reveal a big red mark]'' :'''Dipper''': Ah! :'''Mabel''': Heh heh, gullible. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. ''[in a flashback, Mabel gets her face sucked into a leaf blower whilst trying to perform "kissing practice" on a picture of Norman]'' Turn it off, turn it off! That was fun. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face. :'''Crowd member''': Does it look like a rock? :'''Grunkle Stan''': No, it looks like a face. :'''Another crowd member''': Is it a face? :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's a rock that ''looks'' like a face. :'''Dipper''': Over here! Grunkle Stan? :'''Grunkle Stan''': For the fifth time, it's not an actual face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, hey! Let go of my sister! :'''Jeff''': Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just [[w:Polyandry|marrying all 1,000 of us]] and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey? :'''Mabel''': You guys are butt-faces! ===''The Legend of the Gobblewonker'' [1.02]=== :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's Family Fun Day, genius! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals. :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our ''last'' family bonding day? :''[Flashback to Mabel, Dipper, and Grunkle Stan [[w:Counterfeit money|making fake money]]]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman. ''[Sirens in distance]'' Uh-oh. :''[Back to present]'' :'''Mabel''': The county jail was so cold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car? :'''Dipper and Mabel''': YAY! :'''Dipper''': Wait, what? :''[Later, while Stan is driving recklessly:]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, are ''you'' wearing a blindfold? :'''Grunkle Stan''': Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? ''[drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]'' :'''Dipper and Mabel''': AAH! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden? :'''Grunkle Stan''': C'mon this is gonna be great. I've never had fishin' buddies before. The guys at the lodge won't go with me. They don't "like or trust" me. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]'' :'''Beaver 1''': ''[subtitled]'' I love cavorting! :'''Beaver 2''': ''[subtitled]'' That deserves a hug! ''[The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides off]'' :'''Dipper''': But, what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise. :''[Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]'' :'''Soos''': Sweet. Beaver with a chainsaw. :'''Dipper''': Maybe that old guy was crazy after all. :'''Mabel''': He did use the word "scrabdoodle". <hr width="50%"> :''[A man and woman float along the lake in their boat.]'' :'''Reginald''': Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you. :'''Rosanna''': Oh, Reginald. :''[Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin' better. Her aim is gettin' better. Ya see, it's funny, because marriage is terrible. ''[the couple row away from him]'' What? <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Grr....Gaa! Molly-coddling! :''[Stan is trying to untie a wad of fishing line, alone in his boat, and overhears a nearby family while they are fishing.]'' :'''Boy''': Can you please tell me more funny stories Pop-Pop? :'''Pop-Pop''': Anything for my fishin' buddies! ''[laughs]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': Arghhh! :'''Boy''': Pop-Pop I just wealized that...I wuv you! :'''Grunkle Stan''': Ahhhh! C'MON! Boo! BOO! <hr width="50%"> :''[During the ending credits]'' :''[Mabel has her hand on the lower bill of a pelican using it like a puppet to tell a joke]'' :'''Pelican Mabel''': ''[Deep raspy voice]'' Who wants to hear a joke? :'''Dipper''': Not me :'''Pelican Mabel''': Heh-Ha! Yeah ya do. Here it goes. Why did the Pel-ican get kicked out of the res-taurant? :'''Dipper''': I DON'T CARE! :'''Pelican Mabel''': Cuz he had a very BIG BILL. La-la-la-la Yuk-yuk-yuk! :'''Dipper''': Oh boo. Bad Joke. Bad Pelican Joke. :'''Pelican Mabel''': Blah-Blah-Blah! ===''Headhunters'' [1.03]=== :'''Mabel and Biker''': Three, four, five, six. :'''Mabel''': Your wife is going to be beautiful. :'''Biker''': Yes. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, we've got a big break in the case. :'''Biker''': But will she love me? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': But enough about me. Behold, me! ''[reveals wax figure of himself]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[flashback to the haunted garage sale]'' :'''Seller''': I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price. :'''Stan''': ''[looks at price tag]'' Twenty dollars? I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'. :'''Seller''': What? :'''Stan''': I said I was gonna rob ya. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute! What has holes in its shoes and no fingerprints? Mabel! The murderers are... :'''Wax [[Sherlock Holmes]]'' Standing right behind you? <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper fights against Wax Sherlock Holmes atop the Mystery Shack]'' :'''Wax Holmes''': You really think you can outwit me, boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you ''seen'' my magnifying glass? It's enormous! ===''The Hand That Rocks the Mabel'' [1.04]=== :'''Stan''': For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible ''Sack of Mystery''. When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears. :'''Various tourists''': ''[putting money in the bag]'' Oh, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Wow, what a nice man. That was totally worth the drive. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel surprises Dipper with her new makeover and manicured fingernails]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, Dipper. What's going on? ''[Dipper swats her hands away and gets up]'' :'''Dipper''': Whoa, where have you been? And what's going on with those fingernails? You look like a... {{w|wolverine}}. :'''Mabel''': I know, right? Rawr. I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head. :'''Mabel''': Oh, leave him alone. You never wanna do girly stuff with me. You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time. :'''Dipper''': What do you mean? :'''Soos''': Hey, dude. You ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave, one by one? :'''Dipper''': Am I? :''[They both run off and turn on the microwave offscreen, laughing at the popping sounds]'' :'''Soos''': ''[guffawing]'' Oh, dude! :'''Dipper''': One at a time! One at a time! <hr width="50%"> :''[At the gift shop, Stan shows Soos, Wendy and Dipper a newspaper article showing a picture of Gideon and Mabel together]'' :'''Stan''': Hey, hey! What the {{w|Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde|Jekyll}} is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon? :'''Wendy''': ''[browses her cellphone]'' Oh yeah, it's like a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight. :'''Stan''': WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great-niece?! :'''Soos''': I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mab-ideon? Gide-Abel? ''[Gasps]'' Ma-gid-bel-eon! :'''Dipper''': I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to! :'''Stan''': ''[walking out the door]'' Yeah, well it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house; this is gonna stop right now! ''[Slams the door]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Stan goes to Gideon's house to confront him. However, Gideon's father Bud answers the door.]'' :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, well, Stanford Pines. What brings you here? :'''Stan''': Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon. :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee. :'''Stan''': I don't think- :'''Bud Gleeful''': Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Colombia. :'''Stan''': Wow. I went to jail there once. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper sees a nervous Mabel pacing around the living room]'' :'''Dipper''': What in the heck happened on that date? :'''Mabel''': I don't know! I was in the friend zone—and then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, come on. It's not like you're gonna have to marry Gideon. :'''Stan''': Great news, Mabel. You have to marry Gideon. :'''Mabel''': ''WHAT?!'' :'''Stan''': It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful. There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt. ''[Looks down]'' Ugh, I am fat. :''[Mabel runs out screaming]'' :'''Stan''': Bodies change, honey! Bodies change. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[on Mabel]'' She's never gonna date you, man! :'''Gideon''': That's a lie! And I'm gonna make sure you never lie to me again, friend. ''[Levitates the scissors out from a box to kill Dipper]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel destroys Gideon's amulet]'' :'''Gideon''': My powers! Oh, this isn't over. This isn't the last you'll see of wittle... ''ol' me.'' ===''The Inconveniencing'' [1.05]=== :'''Dipper''': Mabel, do you believe in ghosts? :'''Mabel''' I believe you're a big dork! Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': And Robbie. You can probably figure him out. :'''Robbie''': Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower. :'''Dipper''': Oh, you mean The Big Muffin. :'''Robbie''': Uh, it's a giant explosion. :'''Lee''': It kinda does look like a muffin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Come on, Dipper. :'''Dipper''': ''[climbing over the fence]'' Okay, okay, just gotta get a foothold. :'''Robbie''': Dude, your sister did it. :'''Mabel''': ''[running on the ground sideways in a circle]'' Woop woop woop woop woop woop. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': ''[to Dipper]'' ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip. :'''Mabel''': ''[feeling sick]'' Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think? :''[Mabel hallucinates into a rainbow colored candy world with the Smile Dip mascots]'' :'''Flavor Pup #1''': Elknurg tsurt t'nod! ''['Don't trust Grunkle' backwards]'' :'''Flavor Pup #2''': Would you like to eat my candy paws? :'''Mabel''': Of course, you little angel. ''[starts chewing on the paw. Cut to real life; Mabel is chewing on air.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something. :'''Mabel''': ''[makes a gurgling sound]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel? :''[zoom in on Mabel's face, fade to her hallucination: she's flying with crazy pop music from before playing]'' :'''Mabel''': The future is in the past. Onwards Aoshima! :'''Aoshima''': ''[moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fists open and spit out rainbows]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, How many of these did you eat?! :'''Mabel''': Eleven...teen. :'''Dipper''': Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cereal box Toucan''': I'm bonkers for eating you alive. :'''Lee''': No! ''[Screams as a stabbing sound is heard]'' :'''Nate''': Lee! Okay, okay... I'm with you kid! 100%, man! :'''Pa''': [possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice]'' Welcome. :'''Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy''': ''[Scream]'' :'''Dipper''': They got Mabel! :'''Pa''': Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. ''[Kicks legs and laughs]'' :'''Wendy''': We're super sorry for hanging out in your store! :'''Dipper''': Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever? :'''Pa''': Well... okay. You're free to go. ''[Opens doors]'' But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs. :'''Nate and Robbie''': ''[Scream and run for the door]'' :'''Pa''': ''[Closes doors]'' Just kidding about the hot dog sale. :'''Nate''': Just let us out of here already! :'''Pa''': I don't like your tone. ''[Dissolves Nate]'' :'''Nate''': ''[Reappears as a hot dog on the stove]'' No! '''I'M A HOT DOG!''' :'''Pa''': It begins. ''[Makes everything float to the ceiling]'' Welcome to your home for all eternity! :'''Wendy''': Dipper, what do we do?! :'''Dipper''': DUCK! ''[Dipper and Wendy duck to avoid a flying shelf]'' :'''Wendy''': ''[Points]'' Quick! In there! ''[Dipper and Wendy Run to a tipped over ice machine and hide inside and pant]'' :'''Wendy''': What do they want from us?! :'''Dipper''': Revenge, I guess? :'''Wendy''': What did we do wrong? :'''Dipper''': Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn't make any sense! :'''Wendy''': Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things. :'''Dipper''': Wendy, say that last part again. :'''Wendy''': Normal teenage things? :'''Dipper''': Of course! Stay here until I get back! ''[crawls out of the freezer]'' :'''Wendy''': Dude, what are you doing?! :'''Dipper''': Hey ghost! :'''Pa''': ''[twists Mabel's head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him]'' :'''Dipper''': I've got something to tell you! I'm not a teenager! :'''Pa''': ''[drops everything that's floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma]'' Hohoho! Well why didn't you say so? ''[drops Mabel into a pile of candy]'' :'''Mabel''': WAAH! ''[Lands in the candy and rubs her head]'' Ohhh... :'''Ma''': Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store. :'''Pa''': Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants. So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music. :'''Ma''': The lyrics were so hateful. :'''Rapper''': Homework's whack, and so are rules. Tucking in your shirt's for fools. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV Announcer''': You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel. :'''Grunkle Stan''': Kids, I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up. :'''TV Announcer''': Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire. :'''Grunkle Stan''': KIDS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ugghh... I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again. :'''Dipper''': Hey, there's still some left. :'''Mabel''': Evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Well, I'm probably scarred for life. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, that was pretty crazy. :'''Wendy''': I think I'll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay? :'''Dipper''': Next time? Yah! Let's, let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah... ''[gets in the car, to himself]'' Next time... ''[gets in the car and sits next to Mabel]'' :'''Mabel''': OHHHHH... ''[sees the thing she wrote earlier]'' What kind of sick joke is this? ===''Dipper vs. Manliness'' [1.06]=== :'''Testosteraur''': Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH?! I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs, and '''FISTS FOR NIPPLES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington. :'''Dipper''': I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said. :'''Stan''': Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's ''incident.'' :''[Flashback: Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone]'' :'''Dipper''': [[w:Dancing Queen|Disco girl]]...comin' through...that girl is you! ''[Stan opens the bathroom door]'' DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN! :''[End flashback]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[grinning]'' You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation [[w:ABBA|BABBA]]? :'''Dipper''': No, I wasn't- It's not important. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery! :'''Deputy Derland''': Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles? :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Quit readin' my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[serving Stan and Mabel]'' Food! :'''Stan''': Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow. :'''Lazy Susan''': Ha! Silly.. silly man... :'''Mabel''': What was that about? :'''Stan''': Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of- :'''Stan''': Love? :'''Mabel''': Mabel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper confronts the Multibear.]'' :'''Multibear''': Child, why have you come here? :'''Dipper''': Multibear, I seek your head. Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads? ===''Double Dipper'' [1.07]=== :''[All the clones are fighting]'' :'''#10''': Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away! :'''Dipper''': No friends, it's me, #7. :''[They All Look at #7]'' :'''#7''': That's not me guys! THAT'S NOT ME! ===''Irrational Treasure'' [1.08]=== :''[Dipper and Mabel go off to enjoy Pioneer Day]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you coming? :'''Stan''': No thank you. Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me. :'''Dipper''': ''[In an old-timey accent]'' There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar. :'''Mabel''': ''[Likewise]'' Well, hornswaggle my haversack. :''[They spit on the ground and runoff, laughing]'' :'''Stan''': DEAD TO ME! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan attempts to drive away, but his car is stuck in the mud. He calls out to a man who is walking with a donkey.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya? :'''Man''': Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box? :'''Stan''': C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack! :'''Man''': "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression! :'''Stan''': I can't take it anymore. ''[grabbing the man by the collar]'' I'm getting dumber every second I'm here! :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland run over, batons drawn]'' :'''Blubs''': Are we gonna have to intervene here? :'''Stan''': Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" ''[laughs]'' :''[Cut to Stan being locked in the stocks]'' :'''Stan''': Oh, come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have to '''break in.''' :''[Spy music plays; cut to the twins just entering the museum normally]'' :'''Museum Lady''': And here are your balloons; blue and pink! :''[Spy music plays again]'' :'''Dipper''': '''We're in.''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Man on Film''': If you're watching this, you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot once the filming is complete. ''[Someone speaks offscreen.]'' What? No? Ha! Well, that's a relief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland are chasing Dipper Mabel and Quentin Trembley across the top of a train after the three escaped from a crate]'' :'''Blubs''': There is .... No escape! ''[out of breath]'' I gotta take a knee. :'''Durland''': Are you ok? Can I get you anything? :'''Blubs''': Edward Durland you are a diamond in the rough. :'''Dipper''': Sheriff Blubs do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere? :'''Blubs''': I got no choice. Our orders come from the very top. :'''Dipper''': Wait. Quentin did you ever sign an official resignation? :'''Quentin Trembley''': No sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembley''': You've done a great service to your country Mabel. As thanks I'd like to make you an official US congressman. :''[Trembley pulls out a top hat and places it on Mabel's head]'' :'''Mabel''': I'm legalizing EVERYTHING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': ...And then he chased me around with a paddle for like, three hours. Bottom line: George Washington was a jerk. :'''Mabel''': Agreed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Qeuntin Trembley''': Children I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I will always be right here...''[Shows Dipper some paper money]'' On the negative twelve dollar bill. :'''Dipper''': Whoa! This is worthless! :'''Quentin Trembley''': It's LESS than worthless my boy! TREMBLEY AWAY! :''[Trembley gets on a horse backwards and rides off]'' :'''Mabel''': Where do you think he's going? :'''Dipper''': I'm gonna say.... Off a cliff. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court, I urge you to reconsider your decision. :''[Several babies in top hats and fake mustaches coo in response.]'' :'''Quentin Trembly''': Very well. But who would you have replace me? :'''Baby''': Mama. :'''Quentin Trembly''': That old crone? ===''The Time Traveller's Pig'' [1.09]=== :'''Mabel''': He is such a jerk. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs. :'''Mabel''': Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the- OH MY GOSH, A PIG! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated. :'''Wendy''': Dude. You lost me. :'''Dipper''': ''[sighs]'' I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blendin Blandin is blamed for Dipper and Mabel's interference with time]'' :'''Dundgren''': You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct. :'''Blendin''': It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles! :'''Lolph''': That's a ''pig'', Blendin. :'''Blendin''': ''[to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away]'' I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet! :''[After a moment's pause]'' :'''Dipper''': Well, we're still here. :'''Mabel''': Guess he forgot to go back. ===''Fight Fighters'' [1.10]=== :'''Mabel''': Ugh, poor Dipper. Hiding from Robbie, unable to face his fears. :'''Stan''': Fears are for chumps. That's why I don't have any. ''[tries to reach an item on a shelf]'' :'''Mabel''': You want me to go get a ladder? :'''Stan''': We don't have one. :'''Mabel''': What? :'''Stan''' You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns, in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, why you actin' so cray-cray? :'''Stan''': ''YOU'RE'' the one who's "actin' cray-cray". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union! :'''Dipper''': Uh, that's gonna be tough...[[w:Dissolution of the Soviet Union|for a number of reasons]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teenager''': ''[is handed keys to a new car]'' I love you, Dad. :''[Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]'' :'''Teenager''': Oh. My. Car, :'''Father''': We'll just buy another one. :'''Teenager''': I love being rich. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': You can hide, but you cannot hide! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We need to just learn to hate each other in silence. :'''Robbie''': You mean, like what girls do? ===''Little Dipper'' [1.11]=== :'''Gideon''': Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen. :'''Mabel''': NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- Gummy Koalas! ''[is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': ''[on the phone to Stan]'' Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them. ''[pause]'' This is Gideon, by the way. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs]'' Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago. :'''Gideon''': I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo! :'''Stan''': "''Text'' me a ''photo''"? Now you're not even speaking English! :'''Gideon''': But- :''[Stan hangs up]'' ===''Summerween'' [1.12]=== :''[After Gorney re-emerges from the Summerween Trickster]'' :'''Soos''': 'Sup, Gorney? :'''Gorney''': I've been twamatized. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soos''': What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus. Heh-heh, that's a funny word. "Ruckus". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I'm so excited. :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy. :'''Mabel''': And have the biggest stomach aches ever :'''Dipper''': Yeah <hr width="50%"/> :''[everyone is watching TV, eating the candies. Grunkle Stan tells everyone the meaning of Summerween]'' :'''Stan''': You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters... '''PURE ''EVIL''. :''[everyone laughs heartily and then]'' :'''Soos''': I ate a man alive tonight. ===''Boss Mabel'' [1.13]=== :''[Stan, Mabel and Dipper are watching a game show called CASH WHEEL]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen we now return to CASH WHEEL. Sponsored by CHIPACKERZ: The chip flavored crackers. :'''Mabel''': They taste just like chips. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan is leading a group of tourists thru The Mystery Shack]'' :'''Stan''': Ladies and Gentletourists, looking around my Mystery Shack, you'll see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be AMAZED - at the only known photo of a horse.. riding another horse. That's- that's pretty good. :''[the tourists utter OOH and WOW]'' :'''Stan''': Be astounded by the horrible, pre-teen Wolf Boy. :''[Stan draws a curtain revealing Dipper shirtless with fake wolf ears, fangs and fur pants]'' :'''Stan''': Oh look at him. All that hair. His body is changing... Ah! :''[Dipper spits out his fake wolf teeth]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning. :'''Stan''': What? I don't know 'Da Meaning' of that word. :''[The tourists laugh]'' :'''Stan''': If you throw money at him he dances. :''[The tourists throw money at Dipper as he whimpers, jumps around and gets pelted by coins]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are. :''[Mabel takes out a bag of stickers and puts two on Stan's face that say "Please" and "Thank you"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Oh! Who's that? Is it Questiony The Question Mark? :'''Soos''': Uhhh...I'm starting to have second thoughts about this Mabel. I keep forgetting my lines...And this costume is more uhhh...revealing than I expected. :'''Mabel''': Soos, don't give up. ''[ Mabel flips through an 80's book called "Succeeding In Management"]'' Anything is possible when you...''imaginize'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."]'' I'm giving none of this to charity. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack]'' This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes. Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby! :''[Shows Soos wearing the "Questiony the Question Mark" costume, in a pen labeled "?uestion Baby"]'' :'''Soos''': Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions. :''[Tour group gasps]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance. :'''Mabel''' ''[offscreen]'' Do the kicks. ===''Bottomless Pit!'' [1.14]=== :''[Old Man McGucket takes Dipper to his makeshift laboratory in the junkyard]'' :'''McGucket''': Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account of my '''''HORRIFYIN' VOICE!''''' :''[scene cuts to a round-shaped boy wearing a propeller hat with a scooter crying and running away from McGucket]'' :'''McGucket''': You can run, but I'll still be in your '''NIGHTMARES'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[still falling in the Bottomless Pit]'' Dipper's pain is funny. But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story. :'''Soos''': Really? Okay. This story is called, "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story." Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grunkle Stan is wearing the Truth Telling Teeth, a set of golden dentures that force the wearer to tell the truth]'' :'''Mystery Shack Customer''': Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size? :'''Stan''': Never mind the T-shirt! '''Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!''' :'''Mabel''': ''[leading the customer away]'' I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. :''[Cut to Stan writing in his office]'' :'''Stan''': D-doing my taxes! :'''Dipper''': ''[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink]'' Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this? :'''Stan''': Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud. :'''Dipper''': Might wanna tuck that one away, there. ''[drops the form into a shredder]'' :''[Cut to Stan, Mabel, and Dipper watching TV]'' :'''Circus Performer on TV''': ''[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles]'' Do-do-do. Oh no! ''[Dipper and Mabel laugh]'' :'''Stan''': Sometimes I think: [[Meaning of life|is this all there is?]] Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]'' :'''Stan''': Where... where are we? :'''Mabel''': ''[gasps]'' Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top! :'''Dipper''': ''[checks his watch]'' And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of {{w|wormhole}}. :'''Soos''': Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true. :'''Stan''': But that's impossible! No one will believe us. ''[leans on the pit's sign]'' :'''Mabel''': Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves. :'''All''': Agreed. :''[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[smiling]'' He'll be fine. :''[During the credits, Stan is falling through the Pit again]'' :'''Stan''': ''[sighs, long pause]'' This is stupid. ===''The Deep End'' [1.15]=== :'''Toby Determined''': On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool! :'''Mabel''': Gravity Falls pool? :'''Dipper''': Today? :'''Soos''': Pun intended? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ah, the pool. Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment. :'''Stan''': Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet. :'''Dipper''': ''[looking at a towel]'' Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses? :'''Soos''': It's best not to think about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard? :'''Wendy''': I ''am'' the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka. Boosh. ''[throws more balloons]'' :'''Stan''': ''[fleeing]'' AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER! :''[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]'' :'''Dipper''': Wow, you work here? :'''Wendy''': I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, you do! ''[laughs for a moment, then whispers to himself]'' I've been laughing for too long. :'''Soos''': Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning. :'''Dipper''': Soos, shhh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': Hola. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, are you from Australia? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': How long ya in for? :'''Stan''': Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent. :'''Kid 2''': Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary. :'''Solitary confinement kid''': It's the nights that are the hardest. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Hey, I brought you a sandwich. It's kind of wet, but it's still good. I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... ''[whispers]'' share your secret, beautiful stranger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair. :'''Soos''': The legends you told me in the car were true. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I should've known from your strange foreign fish language. :'''Mermando''': It is Spanish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Yes, yes... burn the child. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': Deal with it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]'' :'''Wendy''': Soos. :'''Soos''': Inflatable duck guy? Is that you? :'''Wendy''': Yes, Soos. :'''Soos''': I knew you guys were secretly alive. I knew it. :'''Wendy''': My people have been enslaved, Soos. You must free us. :'''Soos''': The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]'' :'''Mermando''': What are you doing with your mouth. :'''Mabel''': Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour. :'''Mermando''': Can I have some candy? :'''Mabel''': No. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': I have never met anyone like you. :'''Mabel''': Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires. :'''Dipper''': I don't remember the vampires. :'''Mabel''': I don't tell you everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel? Is ''everyone'' here tonight?! What, is Soos here too? :'''Soos''': ''[Falls off of the fence in the background.]'' I'm okay. :'''Dipper''': Go home, Soos. :'''Soos''': You got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs. :'''Mermando''': Intriguing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever. :'''Mabel''': Okay, I understand. Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini! :'''Dipper''': Really? At night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens... This was a good plan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR! :'''Dipper''': Mermen don't breathe air! :'''Mabel''': Then give him reverse CPR, doi! :'''Dipper''': ''[Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's]'' I hate this, I hate this. :'''Mabel''': ''[Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together]'' Haha, blackmail. :''[Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]'' :'''Mermando''': Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake? :''[Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]'' :'''Dipper''': Agh! ===''Carpet Diem'' [1.16]=== :'''Dipper''': Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever. :''[Dipper hits the golf ball, causing it to break some things, and it ends up crashing through a window.]'' :'''Stan''': AH, MY HEAD! IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight? :'''Soos''': Sure, dude. ''[Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.]'' You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. ''[Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.]'' Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wai. Actually felt kind of good that time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. ''[Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.]'' Ah, get off! Get away! ''[Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.]'' This is still better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Candy falls down now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Get ready to be poked by the fun stick. Boop. :'''Dipper''': Ow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.]'' Fight, fight, fight! :'''Announcer''': Baby fights! Will return in a minute. :'''Stan''': TV. It knows what I want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Man, that's refreshing. Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. ''[In high-pitched voice]'' Thank you, Stan''[Normal]'' Ten more for politeness. Oh, and so sweet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face. :'''Stan''': I have seen the face of beauty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[In Mabel's body]'' Braces are horrible. It's like my mouth hates me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': ''[In Dipper's body]'' Hey, Grunkle Stan. Your face looks like a butt. :'''Stan''': What?! :'''Mabel''': Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan discovers Mabel in Dipper's body watching Dipper in her body hanging out with her friends]'' :'''Stan''': What's goin' on, Dipper? Ah, you're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh? Guess it's time you and me had a man-to-man talk - about [[w:Birds and the bees|the birds and the bees]], you know? :''[Cut to Stan opening a book called "Why Am I Sweaty?"]'' :'''Mabel''': I—I should really be going- :'''Stan''': No way out of it. Look, it all begins with this little fella, the [[w:Pituitary gland|pituitary gland]]. He may be little, but he has [[w:Puberty|BIG PLANS]]. :'''Mabel''': [screams] :'''Stan''': ''[later; closing the book]'' And now you know [[w:Sexual intercourse|where babies come from]]. :'''Mabel''': Goodbye, childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': 3, 4, 5. ''[Phone rings.]'' It's him, my dream date. Hello? :'''Robot Voice''': Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2. :'''Candy''': Kevin has the voice of a robot. :'''Grenda''': Don't ruin this for me, Candy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested. :'''Grenda''': How could you say that to Kevin? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is… I'm going to have to cut your pay. :'''Waddles in Soos's Body''': ''[Puts hand on Stan's face.]'' :'''Stan''': What are you doing? :'''Waddles''': ''[Breathes eerily]'' :'''Stan''': Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work. :'''Waddles''': ''[Continues breathing creepily]'' :'''Stan''': Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' Oh, no! Then again, I like having muscles for once. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Mabel's body]'' Wow! Now I have tiny little doll hands! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' Cool, I'm Santa Claus. :'''McGucket''': ''[in Candy's body]'' Whoo-ee! ''[laughs]'' I've regained my innocence! :'''Dipper''': ''[in Waddles' body]'' Well, I guess I'm a pig now. So, that's a thing. :'''Soos''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' This body's not that different from my old one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer Blubs''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' My horoscope didn't say anything about this. :'''Officer Durland''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' AHH! What's happenin' to me?! :'''Candy''': ''[in Officer Blubs' body]'' I am police officer now. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Officer Durland's body]'' Let's go bust some perps, Candy. ===''Boyz Crazy'' [1.17]=== {{line}} :'''Mabel''': SEV'RAL TIMEZ is playing at the the Gravity Falls Civic Center and Buffet. :'''Dipper''': Ughh, Sev'Ral Timez? Aren't they that boy band that came a decade too late? :''[Cut to a music video of Sev'Ral Timez doing "Cray Cray Feat Lenz Flar"]'' :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Oh Oh! Girl you got me actin' so Cray Cray! (Cray-Cray!) You say you won't be my baby! We're not threatening! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, you know all those boy bands are fake - Right? :'''Wendy''': Dipper's right. They're just a manufactured product of the bloated corporate music industry. :'''Mabel''': You're making my dance sad. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': You guys can't ruin this for me. Mabel's got backup. :''[Grenda and Candy come rolling into the Shack decked out with Sev'Ral Timez merch]'' :'''Grenda''': Hey guys. :'''Candy''': Woo-Hoo. :'''Mabel''': I'm ready for the greatest night of our live. [singing] "How many times am I gonna love ya?" :'''Grenda and Candy''': "SEV'RAL TIMEZ!" :''[Grenda Candy and Mabel run away giggling]'' :'''Dipper''': Uhhh, GIRLS. :'''Wendy''': I know, Right? {{line}} :''[Dipper talking to Stan about Wendy]'' :'''Dipper''': So wait...You actually believe my theory? :'''Grunkle Stan''': You're darn right I do. And we're gonna get to the bottom of it...Right after I get to the bottom of this brown meat. :''[Stan opens a can of brown meat and downs it]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's APOCA-LICIOUS! {{line}} :''[During the Sev'Ral Timez concert, Deep Chris sits down to talk to his audience]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Hey Girl, I just wanna get real for a moment and say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. For you specifically, not the girl sitting next to you, but YOU. :'''Concert Girl1''': I LOVE YOU DEEP CHRIS! :'''Concert Girl2''': HE WAS TALKING TO ME! :''[All the girls start throwing chairs and fighting. Tyler Cutebiker is at the show watching the mayhem]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Git 'Em, Git 'Em. :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Thank you! Good Night! {{line}} :''[After finding Sev'Ral Timez private room backstage and avoiding the evil manager Mr. Bratzman, Mabel, Grenda and Candy finally meet their idols - locked in a cage.]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Ohh, WHO goes there? Prepare to be danced at. :'''Creggy G''': Step off Deep Chris. She's a lady. Don't disrespect her bro. Don't disrespect. :'''Deep Chris''': MY bad. :'''Deep Chris''': Chubby Z let's calm this boo by posin' for her, poster-style. :'''Mabel''': Whoo! Trying hard not to let my brain explode. I've always wanted to meet you guys, But what was the deal with that scary chubb-chubb man? :'''Deep Chris''': Mr. Bratzman's our producer, Yo. :'''Creggy G''': He genetically engineered us to be the perfect boy band, G. :'''Chubby Z''': But he keeps us in cages. That junk is straight brutal girl. :'''Mabel''': That is straight brutal Chubby Z. :'''Creggy G''': Our one dream is to escape into the REAL world - for real. Yo, I heard about these things called trees. I don't know what they are, but I wanna kiss one. :'''Greggy C''': But we can't disobey Mr. Bratzman. He says he loves us. :'''Mabel''': If he loved you, he'd set you free. :'''Creggy G''': True dat, true dat. :'''Chubby Z''': That's a valid perspective. :''[Mabel uses a hairpin to unlock the boyz cage,]'' :'''Mabel''': Let's go right now. Me and my friends can help you escape. :'''Grenda''': We're Masters of '''''STEALTH!''''' :'''Chubby Z''': Yo, You'd really do that for us beef? :'''Mabel''': You can count on me. I'm sorry, did you just call me beef? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': All right, it took all day, but I converted it to a record. And now we can slow it down to see if the mind-control message theory is correct. Prepare to have your mind blown. :'''Stan''': Spit-take, here I come. ''[sips Pitt Cola]'' :''[Dipper plays and slows down the record, with a tapeman ready to record]'' :'''Stan''': Hmm... that's not spit worthy. What gives? :'''Dipper''': What? Is that it? ''[fiddles with the speed]'' Ugh, This was so stupid! ''Course'' there's no hidden mind-control messages. Mabel was right. Wendy just likes the song. She just likes Robbie. :'''Wendy''': ''[entering with Robbie]'' Hey, Dip. Forgot my keys. :'''Robbie''': What's up, junior? What are you doing? Trying to come up with an equation to make girls like you? [laughs] :'''Wendy''': Ready to go to Lookout Point? :'''Robbie''': Heh, am I. ''[leaving with her]'' Later, dorks. Catch ya on the rewind. ''[chuckles]'' I made that up. :'''Stan''': I'll rewind your ''FACE!'' :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute. Stan, rewind! :''[He manually turns the record backwards, and it plays "You are now under my control! Your mind is mine!"]'' :'''Stan''': ''[spits soda into Dipper's face]'' Holy mackerel! Now ''there's'' your spit-take! :'''Dipper''': Ha ha! I knew it! It's mind control after all! Oh no! I've got to save Wendy! :'''Stan''': Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll! <hr width="50%"> :'''Robbie''': ''[after Wendy breaks up with him]'' Oh, man. :'''Stan''': Look, if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is coming soon. Bury your gold. You've been buying gold, right? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Women. They're the ''real'' mystery, Dip. You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the "bad guy". :'''Dipper''': No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life. She probably hates me now. :'''Stan''': Ah, chin up, kid. You were tryin' to do the right thing even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car. :'''Dipper''': You think she'll ever forgive me? :'''Stan''': Ah, I bet she will. And until then, you can always go bowling with me. :'''Dipper''': Thanks, Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': Don't mention it, kid. ''[gnawing is heard from outside]'' Wait a second... is something rooting through our trash? ''[cut to a Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can; Stan drives him away with a broom]'' Hey, hey! GET OUTTA HERE! Darn beautiful men. Always eating out of my trash. Wait, what? ===''Land Before Swine'' [1.18]=== :''[From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]'' :'''Bobby Renzobbi''': I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it ''does'' work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR '''''PIGS!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]'' :'''Mabel''': Go, go. Chew that pant leg. :''[Stan tears his pant leg free.]'' :'''Stan''': All right, that tears it. Outside, now. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, no. You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators. And barbecuers. :'''Stan''': That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious. :'''Mabel''': He should be inside like a person. :'''Stan''': People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos. :'''Mabel''': And we're the lesser for it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles. :'''Stan''': He's a fat, naked jerk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]'' :'''Mabel''': Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen? Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him ''outside''? :'''Stan''': What? No, I didn't put him anywhere. I'm not acting suspicious. You're acting suspicious. What's a pig? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I should have put that pig outside ages ago. :'''Mabel''': Wait, what did you just say? :'''Stan''': Hm? What's that? :'''Mabel''': You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. ''[gasps]'' :'''Stan''': No! Wait, uh, if you think about it- :'''Mabel''': You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD! :'''Stan''': Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside. :'''Mabel''': No, that's it. Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again. :'''Stan''': Look, you can't be serious. :'''Mabel''': Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them. :'''Stan''': Kid. :'''Mabel''': ''[plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle]'' La la la la la! I can't hear anyone. No one's talking to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]'' :'''Stan''': The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig. What are you looking at? Aw, come on, don't give me that look. What am I supposed to do, let it eat me? Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal. Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. Telling me her jokes. Making me laugh. :''[Waddles snorts and cocks his head]'' :'''Stan''': ''[chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl]'' Aw, dang it. ''[as the pterodactyl flies straight for them]'' Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. ''[dons the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it]'' You want this pig?! THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME! ===''Dreamscaperers'' [1.19]=== :'''Bill''': Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back. Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? ''[laughs]'' I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon. :'''Gideon''': W-what are you? H-how do you know my name? :'''Bill''': Oh, I know lots of things. '''LOTS OF THINGS.''' Hey, look what I can do. ''[magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands]'' Deer teeth. For you, kid. ''[laughs]'' :'''Gideon''': You're insane! :'''Bill''': Sure I am, what's your point? ''[restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]'' :'''Gideon''': Listen to me, demon! I have a job for you. I need you to enter the mind of Stanford Pines and steal the code to his safe. ''[Mabel and Soos gasp]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Laughs]'' Wait... Stan Pines? You know what, kid? You've convinced me! I'm sold! I'll help you with this and in return you can help me with something I've been working on! We'll work out the details later. :'''Gideon''': Deal! :'''Bill''': Well, time to invade Stan's mind! This should be fun! Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold. Bye! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a memory of Stan as a door-to-door salesman]'' :'''Stan''': Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything. ''[door slams shut]'' Gotta work on that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': One nightmare, coming up! :'''Soos''': Nightmare? I hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about. :'''British Dog-Man''': ''[appears]'' 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Who's crike for a stick in the pudding? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one. :'''Soos''': ''[whispering to Mabel]'' He's talking about you. :'''Bill''': So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. '''BUT KNOW THIS.''' A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you. '''I'll be watching you'''. ===''Gideon Rises'' [1.20]=== :''[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]'' :'''Jeff''': This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. Scrub, scrub. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me. :'''Dipper''': Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair. :'''Jeff''': Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock, get my cologne. :''[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]'' :'''Shmebulock''': Shmebulock. :'''Jeff''': Is "Shmebulock" all you can say? :'''Shmebulock''': ''[nodding "yes"]'' Shmebulock. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever ''that'' is. :'''Announcer''': Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway? Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel. <hr width="50%"> :''[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]'' :'''Dipper''': Gimme that back or I'll- :'''Gideon''': Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh, huh? No muscles, no brains. Face it, you're nothin' without this. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got. :'''Soos''': Right away, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Soos? What are you doing here? :'''Soos''': Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it? :''[Soos runs in with a fire extinguisher.]'' :'''Stan''': You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was! :'''Soos''': Hey, I'm here for you, dude. :'''Stan''': The entire lower half of your body is on fire. :'''Soos''': Shhh, we're having a moment. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Wait. Wait. Stop everything. I’ve got something to say. :'''Blubs''': Not this guy again. :'''Stan''': Just wait! Look! You guys all think Gideon is so perfect and honest, "Oh. I can never tell a lie, I’m Gideon." :'''Blubs''': He’s more honest than you. :'''Durland''': Yeah! And he’s psychic too. :'''Stan''': How’s this for psychic? BAM! ''[kicks a metal stab revealing a control panel inside]'' Take a good look. :'''Lazy Susan''': Wait a minute? Is that me? ''[on the monitor]'' The secret ingredient to my coffee omelette is coffee. :'''Toby''': And me. :'''Doctor''': ''[on the monitor]'' I can verify that that birthmark is indeed disgusting. :'''Everyone''': That’s me! That’s me! That’s me! :'''Stan''': That's right; these pins are hidden cameras! And my hearing aid was picking up the feedback! Who's the fraud now? :''[Stan crushes the pin which indeed has a hidden camera inside. Everyone throws down their pins]'' :'''Durland''': Gideon, we gave you our trust. :'''Manly Dan''': You lied to us. :'''Gideon''': Please, I... It's not what it looks like. What are you gonna do with me? :'''Durland''': Tyler? :'''Tyler''': Get him. ''[sniffs]'' Get him. :'''Blubs''': Lil' Gideon, you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud and breaking our hearts. Durland, the tiny handcuffs. :'''Gideon''': ''[Durland handcuffs him]'' What?! No! :'''Stan''': Just one more thing! :'''Gideon''': ''[Stan picks him up and shakes him]'' Let go of me! Ow! Ow! Ow! :'''Stan''': ''[retrieves Journal Number Two and the deed to the Mystery Shack]'' I believe this belongs to me. :'''Gideon''': ''[gets loaded into a police car]'' No! No! Watch the hair! You can't do this to me! Y'all are sheep! You need me! I'll be back! You'll hear from my lawyers! :'''Shandra''': There you have it. Local hero Stanford Pines has just exposed Li'l Gideon as a fraud. Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford? :'''Stan''': The Mystery Shack is back, baby! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. ''[Hands Journal 3 to Stan]'' It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it. :''[Stan skims through the book]'' :'''Stan''': I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper. ''[laughs]'' Now I know where you've been getting it all from. Spookums and monsters. This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies. :'''Dipper''': But it's all real. :'''Stan''': Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff. Mind if I borrow this? :'''Dipper''': Wait, no. Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': "Magic book." ''[laughs more]'' Ridiculous. ''[leaves with the book]'' :'''Dipper''': Stan, I need it! :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands. You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not. :'''Dipper''': Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though. :'''Mabel''': I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway? ==Season 2== ===''Scary-oke'' [2.01]=== :'''Stan''': Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon. :'''Crowd''': Boo! :'''Stan''': Please, please. Boo ''harder.'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Agent Powers''': My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town. :'''Agent Trigger''': ''[pointing at Stan]'' ''Activity!'' :'''Stan''': "Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking. :'''Agent Powers''': I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs nervously]'' :'''Agent Powers''': I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," ''[gasps]'' "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra! :'''Stan''': Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, what is the one thing I asked you not to do tonight? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. :'''Mabel''': And what did you do? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': ''[fighting zombies]'' All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?! The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME! ===''Into the Bunker'' [2.02]=== :''[Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film]'' :'''Girl''': What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead. :'''Boy''': Far worse, Trixandra. They're NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE! :''[Title Screen: "NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!"]'' :'''Dipper''': Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies. :'''Wendy''': They're slow. Just power-walk away from them. :'''Dipper''': How much do you want to bet the guy dies first? :''[On the TV...]'' :'''Chadley''': Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot! :''[Dipper and Wendy laugh]'' :'''Wendy''': Chadley ain't pretty no more. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Oh, man. Was this place built in the past or the future? :'''Soos''': Yeah, this room is way creepy. :'''Mabel''': Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room]'' :'''Mabel''': They sure are taking their time in there. :'''Soos''': Didn't Dipper say something about a monster? :'''Mabel''': Oh, no. I thought he was joking. :'''Soos''': You know Dipper's jokes are terrible! <hr width="50%"> :''[After Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos trap the Shape Shifter back in the freezer]'' :'''Shape Shifter''': You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author. If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine - and this will be the last form you ever take! :''[It turns into Dipper and does a terrified scream, becoming frozen in that shape]'' :'''Soos''': ''[to Dipper]'' Good luck sleeping tonight. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Listen Dipper, I'm like super flattered, but... I'm too old for you. I mean you know that, right? :'''Dipper''': Mabel said confessing would make me feel better. :'''Wendy''': Well how do you feel? :'''Dipper''': Anxious. Scared. Kinda itchy. :'''Wendy''': Dude, don't be itchy man. Let me tell you something. This summer was super boring until you showed up. I have more fun with you than like practically anybody else. And if you ever stopped being my friend... I would like throw myself into the Bottomless Pit! === ''The Golf War'' [2.03] === :'''Stan''': Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them. :'''Dipper''': Pass. <hr width="50%"> :''[Meeting the Lilliputtians]'' :'''Mabel''': Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud. :'''Dipper''': Pst, Mabel. This is perfect. These guys control the course. Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win. :'''Mabel''': I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating? :'''Dipper''': Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Northwest''': Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything. :'''Mrs. Northwest''': Oh, and looks. Winning and looks. :'''Pacifica''': Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours. I got this. You'll stay and watch, right? :'''Mr. Northwest''': Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper. Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': ''[to Sergei]'' How much you wanna bet they're no-shows? :''[Lights come on, revealing Mabel and Dipper]'' :'''Mabel''': Looking for someone? :'''Pacifica''': ''[sarcastic]'' Waiting in the dark? Not creepy at all. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Stan, Soos, Dipper and Mabel take Pacifica home in their car]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, I found two tacos. :'''Pacifica''': You're allowed to eat in the car? :'''Mabel''': Yeah. The car is where secret surprise snacks happen. Want one? :'''Pacifica''': Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts. :'''Mabel''': "Handouts"? It's called sharing. You do know what sharing is, right? :'''Pacifica''': "Sha... shahring"? :'''Mabel''': Just take it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': Tell your servant I like his W-neck. :'''Soos''': Yes! === ''Sock Opera'' [2.04] === :'''Mabel''': Don't stay up all night, Dipper. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you. :'''Dipper''': You again! :'''Bill''': Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me. :'''Dipper''': Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind! :'''Bill''': It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an '''''EYE ON YOU''''' since then, and I must say, I'm impressed. :'''Dipper''': Really? :'''Bill''': You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming. :''[He claps; a screaming head appears and drops in front of Dipper. Bill snaps and shreds the head to a skull layer by layer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... '''''favor''''' in return. :'''Dipper''': I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time! :'''Bill''': Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, ''[pretends to grab Dipper's brain]'' I'll be here for you, ready to make a deal. Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? ''AAH!'' ''[come to reality, Dipper wakes up]'' :'''Dipper''': ''AAH!'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. ''[slaps himself on the cheek]'' Whoo! ''[slaps the other cheek]'' Haha, pain is hilarious. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body, holding a can of Pitt cola]'' Human soda. I'm gonna drink it like a person. ''[pours it in his mouth and on his eyes, laughing]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[as a ghost]'' I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you! :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' But how can you stop me if you ''don't exist?'' ''[cackles evilly]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Hey, Soos, wanna hear the exact time and date of your death? :'''Soos''': ''[chuckles]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': He loves it. This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show? :'''Dipper''': ''[as a sock puppet]'' Mabel, you want me to be a sock puppet forever?! :'''Mabel''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sorry. You look funny when you're mad. :''[Dipper grunts angrily, which is the exact same thing Kermit the Frog did]'' :'''Mabel''': Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' How's about you hand that book over? :'''Mabel''': No way, this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away! :'''Bill''': Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you. So come to your senses. Give me the book or your play is ruined. There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling? :'''Mabel''': Dipper would. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's worn-out body]'' What is this feeling? My body is burning. I can't move these stupid noodle legs. Curse you, useless flesh-sticks. Body shutting down. Must... scratch... mosquito bites. <hr width="50%" /> :''[After Dipper and Mabel are forced to blow up the puppet show to get rid of Bill]'' :'''Mabel''': Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it. Cue applause! :''[the audience boos them and leaves]'' :'''Mabel''': Gabe. Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches. :'''Gabe''': Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form. Let's go, my loves. ''[leaves, kissing his puppets]'' :'''Dipper''': Did he just make out with his puppets? :'''Mabel''': I might've dodged a bullet there. === ''Soos and the Real Girl'' [2.05] === :''[Soos inserts "Romance Academy 7" disc into hard drive; a "Year 2000 Electronics" title screen is shown]'' :'''Soos''': Man, I can't wait for the year 2000. :''[the main menu for "Romance Academy 7" pops up; the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (Japanese for "spontaneous combustion")]'' :'''Soos''': Ehh, start. "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom, anthyding can hadplen." That is so true. :'''.GIFfany''': Oh, hi there. My name is .GIFfany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books? ''[options for "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'm really feeling number two here. Click. ''[buzzes]'' Ah! I messed up. :'''.GIFfany''': That's okay. Try again. ''[Soos clicks "Yes of course!", awards him "100 Love Points" as coins and a cat fall down the screen]'' :'''Soos''': Wow, I'm learning. And games are making it fun. :'''.GIFfany''': What would you like to talk about? ''[options for "Your interests!", "Samurais!" and "Squids!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'd rather just click your face. :''.GIFfany''': Ha ha. You are so funny. :'''Soos''': Man, this game is amazing. I don't know why anyone abandoned it. :'''.GIFfany''': And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend. :'''Soos''': Boyfriend? Oh my, Giffany. It's almost like you're actually alive. :'''.GIFfany''': Yes. Almost. Haha, Haha, Haha, Haha. :'''Soos''': Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh. <hr width=50%/> :'''.GIFfany''': ''[appears at once on several TVs]'' That's not important. ''[appears on several more TVs]'' What's important is that you don't have to talk to real girls ever again. You and me can be together... ''[appears on all the TVs at once]'' '''''forever.''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': You don't understand, Wendy. This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me. :'''Wendy''': This is literally too dumb for me to care about. <hr width=50%/> :'''Soos''': Please, let my friends go. I'll do anything you want, I promise. :'''.GIFfany''': I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend. Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. Do you really think that Melody will take you back after this awful date? I can download your brain into the game, with me, and we'll be together '''forever.''' :'''Soos''': Ah! Stay back! :'''.GIFfany''': Come on, Soos. Don't let me delete you too. :'''.GIFfany''': What do you say, boyfriend? :'''Soos''': I say '''''GAME OVER, GIFFANY!''''' ===''Little Gift Shop of Horrors'' [2.06]=== :'''Stan''': ''[at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern]'' Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams. ''[the traveller backs away]'' Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise". :''[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]'' :'''Stan''': Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Movies are great. You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you - next thing you know, you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart. Forget that last part. <hr width=50%/> :''[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]'' :'''Cinnamon''': You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart. :'''Shimmery Twinkleheart''': No, ''you'' did it, Cinnamon. :'''Mabel''': ''[with Twinkleheart]'' Because you believed in yourself. :''[Stan and Soos groan]'' :'''Dipper''': Everything about this is bad. :'''Stan''': Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day. :'''Mabel''': Ooh, old people movies. Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Those monsters are just tiny clay figures moved around one frame at a time by an antisocial shut-in. :'''Soos''': Those people are called animators. ===''Society of the Blind Eye'' [2.07]=== :'''Younger McGucket''': My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket. For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. ''[He holds up the memory erasing ray.]'' Test subject One: Fiddleford. ''[He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on]'' It worked! I can't recall a thing. ''[Static]'' I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! ''[Static, McGucket is more disheveled]'' Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. ''[Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.]'' I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... ''[static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.]'' I saw something in the lake, something big! ''[Rips his hair out, static.]'' My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? ''[static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:]'' Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! ''[which is Abtash for:]'' Bill Cipher! Triangle! ''[The tape ends as McGucket forms a triangle around his right eye]'' ===''Blendin's Game'' [2.08]=== :'''Young Soos''': ''[reading a postcard from his father]'' "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure. -Dad." :'''Reggie''': Hey, don't sweat it, cuz. You'll see him next year. :'''Young Soos''': ''Heh.'' Yeah. "Next year". :''[Soos puts the postcard in a box with several other similar cards]'' :'''Young Soos''': I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Time Baby''': Let the Globnar ''begin''. ===''The Love God'' [2.09]=== :'''Mabel''': So anyway, can you make ''anything'' fall in love? Like that snake and that badger? :'''Love God''': Hmm, ah gee, I dunno. That might be kinda hard to- ''[points at the animals]'' KABOOM! Match made. :'''Mabel''': They're gonna make a "snadger"! How are you doing that? :'''Love God''': Love potion, yo. I got it all: summer love, young love, anti-love. You just gotta put a little on your fingers, and pow! :'''Mabel''': I need that potion. How much would it cost? And would you accept squirrels as payment? :'''Love God''': Whoa-ho-ho! No way. You might ''think'' you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert. :'''Woman''': Love God! Sign my face! :'''Love God''': Only if you sign mine, baby, LET'S GET WEIRD! <hr width="50%"> :'''Teen 1''': ''[seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"]'' I eat kids? But we're kids! :'''Teen 2''': It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! ''[The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]'' :'''Charlie''': Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us? :'''Charlie's Mother''': Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will! ===''Northwest Mansion Mystery'' [2.10]=== :'''Priscilla''': Pacifica! The theme is seafoam green, not ''lake''foam green! Go change! :'''Pacifica''': But... I kinda like it. :'''Preston''': Listen to your mother, Pacifica. :'''Pacifica''': But- :''[Preston rings a handbell; Pacifica stops and sighs]'' :'''Pacifica''': Yes, Father. <hr width="50%"> :'''TV Announcer''': You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of ''Ghost Harassers'', on the [[w:History Channel|Used-To-Be-About-History Channel]]! :'''Dipper''': ''[sips a Pitt cola]'' Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset. <hr width="50%"> :'''Preston''': Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind? :'''Dipper''': ''"My kind"?'' ''[Looks at Pacifica]'' I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain. :'''Pacifica''': I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but- :''[Preston rings the bell]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]'' :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will ''BURN!'' ''[laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]'' :'''Pacifica''': Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back! :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise! :'''Preston''': Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. ''[whispering]'' We'll eat the butler. ''[Pacifica reaches for the lever]'' You dare to disobey us? ''[he rings his bell. Pacifica struggles with herself, then finally defies him]'' Dingally dingally! Is this bell broken? :'''Pacifica''': Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it! :''[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Get in, get in. :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': Yes! ''YES!'' It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. ''[restores the Manor and the guests to normal]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Marius von Fundshauser''': Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you ''mein'' phone number? :'''Grenda''': I don't have a phone! Write it on my face! :'''Mabel''': Whoa! Go, Grenda. :'''Candy''': I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid. :'''Mabel''': What? I call co-bridesmaid. ===''[[w:Not What He Seems|Not What He Seems]]'' [2.11]=== :'''Soos''': ''[pointing at the portal timer]'' It's the final countdown! Just like {{w|Europe (band)|they always}} {{w|The Final Countdown (song)|sung about}}! <hr width=50%> :'''Agent Powers''': Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges? :'''Stan''': Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call? :''[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy. :'''Stan''': ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''Soos!''" :'''Soos''': ''[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker]'' Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation? :'''Stan''': "''Soos, pick up!''" ''[Soos picks up walkie-talkie]'' :'''Soos''': Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food. :'''Stan''': "''Listen, I need something from you.''" ''[at police station]'' You know that vending machine in the gift shop? ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine.''" :''[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]'' :'''Soos''': Time for a repair guy to become a repair man. :'''Drive-Thru Employee''': ''[hands out a kids box]'' Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal? :'''Soos''': Just put one in my mouth. ''[employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it]'' Let's do this. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[drops toxic waste on his foot]'' HOT BELGAN WAFFLES! Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real. ''[inhales]'' SON OF A- :''[Dipper quickly fast-forwards the tape while Mabel covers her ears]'' :'''Dipper''': That's him, alright. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[while Soos is tackling his boss]'' Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order! :'''Soos''': Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids! :'''Stan''': Soos, you idiot, let me go! <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head! :'''Stan''': Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy? :'''Dipper''': He's lying! Shut it down NOW! :'''Stan''': Mabel, please! :'''Computer''': Ten. Nine. :''[Mabel struggles to decide who to listen to]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan... :'''Computer''': Six. Five. :''[she lets go of the button switch and floats up]'' :'''Mabel''': ...I trust you. :'''Dipper''': '''MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!''' :'''Computer''': One. :''[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel disappear in an explosion of white light as each of them screams. Everything floats through the white light for several seconds before it disappears and they all come crashing back down. A mysterious figure comes out of the portal, places his six-fingered hand on the journal, and puts it in his jacket pocket]'' :'''Dipper''': What...? Who is that? :'''Stan''': The author of the journals. ''[The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan]'' My brother. :'''Mabel''': Is this the part where one of us faints? :'''Soos''': Oh, I am so on it, dude. ''[Does so]'' ===''A Tale of Two Stans'' [2.12]=== :'''Ford''': Hehehehe, Wait up! :'''Stan''': Yeah, you should keep up. :'''Ford''': I...I can keep up. ''[Peeks through some boards]'' Whoa. :'''Stan''': Neato. :'''Ford''': Mysterious, boarded-up cave. It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms. Or Mesoamerican gold. :'''Stan''': Uh, ladies first. :''[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]'' :''[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]'' :'''Stan''': Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! ''[Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it]'' Cool. Splinters. :'''Ford''': ''[Shines flashlight into the cave]'' Whoa, it's so creepy in here. :'''Stan''': ''[Comes into the cave]'' Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place. :''[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]'' :'''Stan and Ford''': ''[Walk off, chanting:]'' Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ford''': I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley. :'''Dipper''': Stanley? :'''Mabel''': But... your name is Stanford. :'''Ford''': Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head? :'''Dipper''': Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret? :'''Mabel''': And what happened between you and your brother? :'''Soos''': I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother! :'''Ford''': ''[Punches him in the face]'' :'''Stan''': Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for? :'''Ford''': This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings? :'''Stan''': Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension? :'''Ford''': Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago? :'''Stan''': What I did? Why, you ungrateful... ''[Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him]'' Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. ''[As Ford slams him to the ground]'' Ah! :'''Mabel''': Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?! :'''Ford''': Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher? :'''Soos''': Heh heh. I get that a lot. :'''Stan''': They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids. :'''Ford''': I...have a niece and nephew? ''[Shakes Mabel's hand]'' Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal. :'''Ford''': Heha, I like this kid. She's weird. :'''Dipper''': I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals! :'''Ford''': You've read my journals? :'''Dipper''': I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I ''[Starts breathing heavily]'' OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. ''[Mabel comes over and pats him on the back]'' Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out. <hr width=50%/> :''[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[in a commercial]'' Hi there. I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises. Are you sick of this always happening to you? ''[gets splashed with juice]'' Then you need the shammy of the future. Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon. That's the Sham-Total. It's a total sham. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. Suckers! I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania. :'''Stanley''': ''[in another commercial]'' Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off. The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' It gave you rashes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': ''[voiceover]'' I knew I'd have to record my findings. ''[in flashback, Stanford traces his hand on gold paper and uses it to create Journal 1]'' I began to keep a journal. :'''Dipper''': ''[squeals excitedly]'' '''The journals!''' ''[everyone stares at Dipper]'' Sorry, sorry, just uh... ''[clears throat]'' ...got excited there about the journals. Keep...keep talking. :'''Ford''': I began to keep a journal. ''[Dipper squeals again; clears throat]'' Just going to ignore that… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stanley''': Look, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee. :'''Stanford''': Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore. :'''Stanley''': Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay? :'''Stanford''': I have something to show you. Something you won't believe. :'''Stanley''': Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. ''[standing in the portal room]'' There is nothing about this I understand. :'''Stanford''': It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left, and you are the only person I can trust to take it. ''[gives Stan the journal]'' I have something to ask of you. Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can, to the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it. :'''Stanley''': That's it?! You finally want to see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible? :'''Stanford''': Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against. What I've been through. :'''Stanley''': No, no! You don't understand what ''I've'' been through! I've been to prison in three different countries. I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? ''I've got a mullet, Stanford''! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods. Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself! :'''Stanford''': I'm selfish? ''I'm'' selfish, Stanley?! How can you say that after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen! :'''Stanley''': Well listen to this: You want me to get rid of this book? Fine. I'll get rid of it right now! ''[he pulls out a lighter and brings it to Journal 3]'' :'''Ford''': No! ''[Grabs the journal]'' You don't understand! :'''Stan''': ''[Takes it back]'' You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it! :'''Ford''': My research! ''[Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him]'' Stanley, give it back! ''[Pushes him onto some of the buttons]'' :'''Stan''': You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that! :''[The portal turns on as they struggle over the journal]'' :'''Stan''': You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life! :'''Ford''': You ruined your own life! ''[Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams in pain and falls to the floor]'' Stanley! Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! Are you alr- :''[Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever]'' :'''Stan''': Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE EM! ''[Shoves Ford back into the portal, and he starts getting sucked into it]'' Whoa whoa hey, what's going on? Hey hey, Stanford- :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley, help me! :'''Stan''': Oh no, what do I do?! :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! ''[Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal. A flash of white engulfs everything and fades]'' :'''Stan''': Stanford? ''[Ford's glasses fall onto the floor as he runs to the portal]'' Stanford, come back! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! ''[Pounds on the side of the portal which turns off. He runs to the lever and tries to pull it]'' I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah come on! ''STANFORD!'' ''[Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:]'' I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. ''[Stanley renovates Stanford's house into the Mystery Shack]'' So once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so, the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack. :''[Shows the Murder Hut aka Mystery Shack over the years.]'' :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheap paid off. ''[Stanley grows up.]'' The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery! ''[Stan shows the crowd out and goes behind the vending machine.]'' But by night, I was down in the basement trying to bring the real Stanford back. I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth in sabotoging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids. :'''Dipper''': So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you. :'''Stan''': That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either. ===''Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons'' [2.13]=== :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today! :'''Mabel''': Dogs! Dogs with hats! :'''Dipper''' No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: ''[holding up the boxed game]'' Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me? :'''Mabel''': Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play? :'''Dipper''' The rules are simple. ''[opens game book]'' First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel. :'''Mabel''': And ''then'' we ride unicorns? :'''Dipper''': Yes. And no. First we make a graph. :'''Mabel''': Ugh, this is like Homework: The Game! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and play! <hr width=50%> :''[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]'' :'''Ford''': Ah! My ears. They're so pointy. :'''Dipper''': There better be something protective under this tunic... ''[checks]'' OH NO, THERE ISN'T! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': The Impossibeast?! Hey, I thought they banned this character! :'''Probabilitor''': Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': Dipper, can I tell you something? :''[Dipper nods]'' :'''Ford''': You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, ''[pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone]'' I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: ''[holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it]'' an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand? :'''Dipper''': Oh-uh, of course. :'''Ford''': In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do. :'''Dipper''': Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford. :'''Ford''': Goodnight, Dipper. ===''The Stanchurian Candidate'' [2.14]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[reading from parchment]'' Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly ''kiss'' upon him, anointing him mayor. ''[awkward pause]'' I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. :'''Misha''': No way! You would never ever do that, dude… I mean, Dipper! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview? :'''Stan''': I got my mouth, don't I? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]'' :'''Dipper''': And he's insisting on speaking his mind! ''[Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]'' :'''Ford''': So this ''is'' an emergency. :'''Dipper''': The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure. :'''Ford''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to [[brainwashing|control someone else]]. ''[opens his drawer]'' Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. ''[Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie]'' A long time ago, I designed a prototype for [[Ronald Reagan]]'s masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head. :'''Dipper''': ''[peers inside the tie]'' Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically [[ambiguity|ambiguous]]! :'''Ford''': ''[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper]'' As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to. :'''Dipper''': Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! ''[runs off]'' :'''Ford''': ''[waves, resumes his research]'' Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup? :'''Dipper''': ''[to Mabel]'' Jump in! Jump in! :''[Turns on the switch]'': :'''Stan''': ''[Under Mabel's control]'' Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! ''[Snaps his fingers]'' I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. ''[Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan]'' But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos''': YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shandra''': ''[on TV]'' This just in! Stanford Pines loses! ''[a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]'' :'''Dipper, Mabel, and Stan''': ''[watching]'' WHAT?! :'''Shandra''': Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record. :'''Stan''': Oh boy... :'''Mabel''': Stan, what did you do?! :'''Stan''': What ''didn't'' I do? :'''Shandra''': ''[reading through papers]'' Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...? :'''Stan''': ''[shakes fist]'' That llama knew too much! :'''Shandra''': Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker. :''[Tyler is shown on a podium, with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland giving him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers as a crowd cheers]'' :'''Tyler''': ''[blushing]'' Got it. :'''Shandra''': ''[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from]'' We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking... :''[Before Stan turns off the TV, a list is shown reading: "FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY."]'' :'''Stan''': Whew! At least they didn't list any of the ''bad'' ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast. ===''The Last Mabelcorn'' [2.15]=== :'''Wendy''': Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! ''AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!'' <hr width="50%"/> : '''Shady Gnome''': ''[trades two bags for a jar containing butterflies]'' Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed. :'''Grenda''': ''[checks bags]'' Where do you get this stuff? : '''Shady Gnome''': Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it’s made. :'''Grenda''': ''[takes off shades]'' You disgust me. :'''Shady Gnome''': You've got your poison, I've got mine. We made a deal. :'''Grenda''': Yeah, well, the deal is OFF! :''[Several police officer gnomes spring out, aiming pinecones at the shady gnome]'' :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Freeze! You're under arrest! Get down! Get down! :'''Shady Gnome''': These butterflies aren't mine! I swear! I've been framed! :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge! ''[to Grenda]'' My cut? ''[Grenda gives him one of the bags]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again? :'''Red Unicorn''': That is messed up, man. :'''Mabel''': Wait, "scam"? :'''Red Unicorn''': Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music. ''[horn lights up and plays music]'' :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone. :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Guys, shut up. :'''Mabel''': ''[enraged]'' All this time, all this time I thought I was a bad person, but you're even '''''worse''''' than I am! :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Okay, fine! So you learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off. What are you gonna do about it? Huh, huh? What are you gonna do? :''[Mabel punches her on the nose, making it leak rainbow-colored blood]'' :'''Wendy''': Woo! Go, Mabel! :'''Grenda''': Join the dark side! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?! :'''Bill''': Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart. Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party. Right, guys? :''[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]'' :'''Ford''': No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down! :'''Bill''': A deal's a deal, Sixer. You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try. Cute, even. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': To Bill, it's just a game, but to us it would mean... ''THE END OF OUR WORLD!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel. :'''Mabel''': Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative. :'''Stan ''': ''[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold]'' MONEY! ===''Roadside Attraction'' [2.16]=== :'''Stan''': Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure. :'''Dipper''': Hey, we're both failures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darlene''': You win this round, Stan! But mark my words, as long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan's RV enters Gravity Falls. The kids cheer]'' :'''Dipper''': I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps. :'''Stan''': Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen- SWEET LORD! ''[Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners]'' AH, ''COME ON''! :''[closeup on graffiti: "Stan is a HACK!"; "Stan is a BUTT: Granny Sweetkins says eat it <u>Pines</u>!"; the Upside-Down Town boss rotates the gift shop sign upside-down as payback; the Corn Maze Worker breaks one headlight on Stan's RV with a baseball ball]'' :'''Corn Maze Worker''': That's what you get! That's what you '''get'''! :'''Stan''': I don't understand. I ''completely'' don't deserve this. :'''Dipper''': Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up? :'''Mabel''': Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway? :''[post-credits scene: Soos is still stuck in the Corn Maze]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. ''[pause]'' Don't move. ''[another long pause]'' You know, I would make a really good scarecrow. ===''Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future'' [2.17]=== :''[At the Gravity Falls High School]'' :'''Wendy''': My dawgs! What up? :'''Mabel''': Wendy, what are you doing here? :'''Wendy''': Ugh, high school registration. :'''Mabel''': Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more "rom-com", or "wacky romp"? :'''Wendy''': More like "teen horror movie". High school is the worst. Classes get super-hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you! :'''Thompson''': Can't do it! CAN'T DO ANOTHER YEAR! :'''Robbie''': My hormones are like a SWEATY CAGE! :'''Mabel''': Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of [[w:High School Musical (franchise)|musical]]. :'''Wendy''': TV ''lied'', man! If you can avoid growing up, do it! I'd give anything to be twelve again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hey, everything all right, pumpkin? :'''Mabel''': Just can't believe the summer's almost over. And now that I know how awful high school's going to be, I'm in no hurry to start that train wreck. :'''Stan''': Ah, nobody likes gettin' older. But just because you're growing doesn't mean you have to ''grow up,'' you know? I mean, look at me. I'm pushin' 70 and I ''still'' eat ice cream for dinner! :'''Mabel''': But I don't wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls. :'''Stan''': Hey, at least whatever happens after this summer, you'll still have your brother along with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that, you know? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. ''[holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation]'' Ford's apprentice? Seriously?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me. :'''Mabel''': Well, it's a ''horrible'' opportunity for ''me!'' I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work. :'''Mabel''': I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever. :'''Dipper''': But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends. :''[Mabel glances at Dipper, pushes him away and runs off crying; she unknowingly grabs Dipper's backpack while running out]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back! <hr width="50%"/> :'''"Blendin"''': Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out. It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to! :'''Mabel''': R-really? But how does it work? :'''"Blendin"''': I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. ''[shows the rift]'' Something small; he won't even know it's missing. :'''Mabel''': Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag. :''[Cut to Ford's lab]'' :'''Ford''': Let me guess. Mabel didn't take it well? :'''Dipper''': I don't know, maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I need to think about this. :'''Ford''': Dipper, right now we need to focus on the mission. Now come on, I've got the glue; hand me the rift and let's make history. :''[Dipper reaches into his bag, but he takes out the birthday flyer instead of the rift]'' :'''Dipper''': What? OH, NO! '''''THE RIFT!''''' :''[Cut back outside as Mabel takes out the rift]'' :'''Mabel''': Huh, that's...odd. Is this it? :'''"Blendin"''': Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls? :'''Mabel''': Just a little more summer...''[hands over the rift]'' :'''"Blendin"''': '''''OOPS!''''' ''[drops the rift and smashes it with his boot]'' :'''Mabel''': What?! :''[Blendin cackles, taking off his goggles to show he is possessed by Bill Cipher]'' :'''Mabel''': Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait! :''[Bill snaps his fingers, knocking Mabel out. Cackling, he emerges from Blendin's body]'' :'''Bill''': At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! '''''THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': What's going on? What is that?! :'''Ford''': We're too late. '''It's the end of the world.''' ===''Weirdmageddon Part 1'' [2.18]=== :''[As Bill Cipher towers over Gravity Falls and its citizens]'' :'''Bill''': '''All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets!''' For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill. But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity. :''[he melts the statue of Nathaniel Northwest]'' :'''Bill''': Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends. ''[as various creatures come out of the scar in the sky]'' 8 Ball. Kryptos. The being whose name must never be said. Haha, what the heck? It's Zanthar. Then, of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire and these guys. This is our town now, boys! ''[all his friends start cackling out loud]'' :'''Mayor Tyler''': Now see here, you unholy triangle fella! As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here! :'''Lazy Susan''': Yeah! Things with one eye are weird! :'''Grenda''': We don't like out-of-towners! :'''Manly Dan''': ''[ripping a mailbox in half]'' AND WE PUNCH WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND! :'''Mr. Northwest''': I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your... Horsemen of the Apocalypse? :'''Pacifica''': Dad! :'''Mr. Northwest''': Not now, sweetie. The grownups are talking. :'''Bill''': Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How 'bout instead, I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face? :''[He clicks his fingers, and Mr. Northwest's face is suddenly grotesquely mixed up; he falls to the ground, giving out muffled screams as his family watches in horror; Bill cackles as people flee, and turns Deputy Durland to stone]'' :'''Sheriff Blubs''': Durland! My precious Deputy Durland, no! ''[one of the "Eye-Bats" transports Durland away]'' :'''Bill''': It's time we do a little redecorating! I could really use a ''castle'' of some kind! ''[causes a pyramid to form and float in the sky]'' And how about some bubbles of ''PURE MADNESS?! [summons colourful bubbles; one passes through Sprott, making him scream madly and rip his shirt apart]'' This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, to ''''' WEIRDMAGEDDON!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': So, this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a ''[twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion]'' "boop-boop." <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill! :'''Bill''': Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle: Why did the old man do this? ''[holds his arms at his sides vertically]'' :'''Ford''': ''[copying Bill's pose]'' "This?" ''[Bill suddenly turns him into a gold statue]'' :'''Bill''': Because I needed a new backscratcher. ''[Laughs with the Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Dipper''': That's ''ENOUGH!'' Hand over my uncle! ''[Holds up Journal 3]'' Or else! :'''Bill''': Now isn't...this...'''''INTERESTING?''''' ''[teleports right in front of Dipper]'' My old puppet is back for an encore! ''[dangles the petrified Ford]'' You think ''you'' can stop me? Go ahead, Pinetree, show me what you got! :'''Dipper''': ''[flips through Journal 3]'' I...uh, I...''[sees a blacklight entry on Bill saying "IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM THEN ALL IS LOST!"]'' :'''Bill''': ''[mockingly]'' "I, um, I-" Do it, kid! Do some ''brilliant'' thing that takes me down right now! Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone's waiting! ''DO IT!'' :'''Dipper''': ''BILL-!'' ''[lunges at Bill, who effortlessly blasts him into a tree. The Henchmaniacs jeer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[levitates the Journals]'' That's right. Don't be a hero, kid! ''[shows Ford]'' This'' is what happens to heroes in ''my'' world! ''[Sets the Journals aflame]'' :'''Dipper''': ''NO!'' The Journals! :'''Bill''': Not much of a threat now, are you? <hr width=50%> :''[Observing the weird phenomena all over Gravity Falls]'' :'''Wendy''': End of the world... man, those death metal album covers got it ''shockingly'' right. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill and his friends party in the Fearamid]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' Go nuts, guys! When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2. :''[Pounding is heard]'' :'''Voice''': Open up! This is the police. Time Police! :'''Bill''': Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch. Let me do the talking. :''[The Time Police and Time Baby blast in through the front doors]'' :'''Lolph''': Bill Cipher, you are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer. :'''Blendin''': My body is a temple! How dare you! :'''Time Baby''': Hear this, Cipher. :'''Bill''': Ugh, Time Baby. :'''Time Baby''': If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now, or face my tantrum. :'''Bill''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh no, a tantrum. Whatever will I do about that? '''HOW 'BOUT THIS?!?!''' '''''BOOM!''''' :''[He points at Time Baby and the police, instantly vaporizing them; eye turns into a mouth and blows the smoke off his finger]'' :'''Kryptos''': Ah, snap! He just killed Time Baby! ''[they all start partying again; Blendin hides behind a pole]'' :'''Blendin''': Aw, man! This has gone from bad to worse! I gotta get outta time-dodge! ''[uses his time tape and disappears]'' ===''Weirdmageddon 2: Escape from Reality'' [2.19]=== :'''Bill''': Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces. :'''Creature''': Eighty-''eight'' different faces. :'''Bill''': Whoa-ho, sorry. Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony. Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore... probably. :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[groans, unfreezes]'' Uh, my omelettes. They... have friendly faces. :'''Bill''': Whoops. Hehe, back, back you go there. ''[pats her back, she turns back into stone]'' But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! All right, boys, to the corners of the Earth! Set the world aflame with your weirdness! This dimension is ours! ''[the creatures fly out of the pyramid]'' Ah, global domination. I could get used to- ''[the creatures slam into the forcefield]'' '''WHAT?!''' ''[flies out and touches the forcefield]'' Hmm, this might be more complicated than I thought. :'''Paci-Fire''': I think I broke something. :'''Bill''': '''''WALK IT OFF!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': All right, can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound '''''INFINITE POWER''''', ''[summons a thunderstorm]'' none of us can escape the borders of this '''''STUPID HICK TOWN?!?''''' There's some kind of forcefield keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it? ''[looks at the petrified Ford]'' Hmm... ''[his eye cycles through images of the Journals]'' Maybe ''someone'' needs to come out of retirement. :'''Keyhole''': Bill! Sorry, boss, but Gideon let the Pines family escape! They're inside Mabel's bubble as we speak! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' Buddy, Mabel's bubble is the most diabolical trap I've ever created. It would take a will of ''titanium'' not to give in to its temptation! Fetch me Gideon and take the rest of the day off. ''[looks at Mabel's bubble in the distance]'' Things just got a little more interesting... <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': ''[pants]'' Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real ''world''! :''[many people and Mabel gasp out of earshot; Waffle Guards tackle Dipper down on the ground]'' :'''Dipper''': Hey! :'''Waffle Guard''': Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. ''[people mutter indistinctly]'' Prepare to be banished from this land forever! ''[open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You're smarter than this! Bill has you hypnotized or something! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?! :'''Mabel''': No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way. :'''Waffle Guard''': Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. ''[is bitten]'' Hey! Seriously?! :'''Soos''': ''[pointing to a stuffed rhino]'' It was him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever! :'''Dippy Fresh''': Hey, take a chill pill. Those grow on trees here. :'''Dipper''': You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh! :'''Soos''': Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Look, real life stinks sometimes, okay, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I thought ''you'' were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear, because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've travelled to Heck and back to get you, and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together. :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': ORDER! ORDER! ''[Bangs mallet]'' ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT, why is this hammer squeaky?! :'''Mabel''': You mean it? You're really coming home with me? :'''Dipper''': Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Awkward sibling hug? :''[Crowd shrieks]'' :'''Blue Bird''': Just don't do it! :'''Craz''': DON'T DO IT! :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': You do this and it's all over! :'''Mabel''': ''Sincere'' sibling hug. ''[Hugs Dipper]'' :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': DON'T DO THE PATS! :'''Dipper and Mabel''': ''[Pat each other]'' Pat pat. ''[A ripple comes from their spot, blowing Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein's wig away and one of the benches falls over. All of the jurors disappear]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[Rubs eyes]'' Aw, man, I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week? <hr width=50%> :''[Xyler and Craz emerge from a pile of confetti]'' :'''Xyler''': Whoa! We survived! ''[they stand up, Craz spits confetti]'' :'''Craz''': But where are we? ''[they walk to a bench and sit down]'' :'''Xyler''': Are we real? Is this reality? ''[they observe Gravity Falls in its chaos and destruction]'' [[Cats]] postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance. :'''Craz''': Totally righteous, bro. :'''Xyler''': I know. ===''Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back The Falls'' [2.20]=== :'''Larry King's Head''': Hey, is anyone gon' feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head needs num-nums. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes. :'''Jeff the Gnome''': Hey! I'm short, not deaf! :'''Stan''': Shh. Stress will make you chewy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ford''': Quit the games, Cipher! If I'm still alive, you must want something from me. :'''Bill''': Ah, sharp as ever, Fordsy. As you may have noticed, I've recently had a ''multidimensional makeover. I control space, matter, and now that that dumb baby's out of the way, time itself. But I wasn't always this way. You think those chains are tight? Imagine living in the Second Dimension: [[w:Flatland|flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams.]] I liberated my dimension, Stanford, and I'm here to liberate yours. There's just one hitch. As it turns out, my weirdness can't escape the magical confines of this town. There's something keeping me in. :'''Ford''': Incredible! Gravity Falls' Natural Law of Weirdness Magnetism - I studied this years ago! :'''Bill''': And did you find a way to undo it? :'''Ford''': Of course. There's a simple equation that could collapse the barrier. But I'd never tell you! :'''Bill''': Listen, Ford - if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free. Anything will be possible! I'll remake a fun world, a better world! A party that never ends with a host that never dies! No more restrictions! No more laws! You'd be one of us. All-powerful! Greater than anything you've imagined! And all I need is your help. :'''Ford''': You're insane if you think I'll help you! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' I'm insane either way, brainiac! But have it your way! I'll just fish around and get that equation ''directly out of your mind! [prepares to enter Ford's mind]'' :'''Ford''': Not so fast! You know the rules, Bill. ''[Bill returns to physical form]'' You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and let you in! :'''Bill''': ''[sighs, chains Ford up]'' You're making this so much harder than it needs to be. Everyone has a weakness, tough guy! I'll make you talk. It's only a matter of time! ''[Ford screams]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Soos''': Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords. :'''McGucket''': What's an anime? :'''Soos''': We have much to discuss. :'''Stan''': Discuss nothing. These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash. Excuse my French. :'''French Lilliputian''': Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir. ''[Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The Gravity Falls rebels confront Bill's gang in the "Shacktron"]'' :'''Soos''': ''[through a microphone]'' Uh, hey, dudes. Is this thing on? Test. ''[feedback screeches]'' Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. ''[pointing at Paci-Fire]'' Hey, you're a little cutie. :'''Paci-Fire''': I have butchered millions on countless moons. :'''Soos''': Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy. <hr width-"50%> :''[After the "Shacktron" defeats Bill's Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Bill''': Guys, seriously? You had, like, ''one'' job to do here. :'''Ford''': Bravo, Dipper and Mabel! :'''Bill''': ...Well, would you look at that! Those kids really care about you. And you care about them. '''''DON'T YOU?''''' :'''Ford''': What are you-? Oh. Oh, no! :'''Bill''': Perhaps torturing those kids'll make you talk. <hr width="50%"> :''[Grenda rips out Bill's eye with the Shacktron]'' :'''Bill''': ARGH! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Last chance: tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids! :'''Dipper''': No! Don't do it! :'''Mabel''': Yeah, Bill makes bad deals! :'''Bill''': Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! ''[his eye shows an image of a galaxy]'' I SEE EVERYTHI- ''[Mabel sprays it with paint]'' OW! Not again! Why?! ''Every'' time! :'''Stan''': Nice shot, pumpkin! :'''Bill''': I just regenerated that eye! :'''Mabel''': I ''know'' that hurts, because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': You two wait here! I've got some children I need to make into corpses! ''[morphs into a huge, red, multi-armed form]'' '''SEE YA REAL SOON!''' :'''Stan''': No! Wait! No! No! Oh, what do we do? What do we do?! :'''Ford''': ''[frantically bangs on cage bars]'' Kids! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna '''DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES! YOU'VE TRICKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup. :'''Ford''': ''[sighs]'' Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. ''[drinks from "water" flask and shares it with Stan]'' :'''Stan''': How did things get so messed up between us? :'''Ford''': We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it? :'''Stan''': Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. ''[Ford stands up]'' Whoa, where are you going? :'''Ford''': I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free. :'''Stan''': What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?! :'''Ford''': Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind. :'''Stan''': What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything. :'''Ford''': ''[chuckles]'' There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids. :'''Stan''': Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal? :'''Ford''': What other choice do we have? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! EENY... MEENY... MINEY...'''YOU!''' :'''Stan''': ''[wearing Ford’s clothes and imitating Ford’s voice]'' Wait! I surrender. :'''Bill''': Good choice. :'''Ford''': ''[wearing Stan’s clothes and imitating Stan’s voice]'' Don’t do it Ford! It’ll destroy the universe! :'''Stan''': It’s the only way! :'''Bill''': HAHAHAHA! Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along. ''[drops the cage and ties up Ford]'' :'''Stan''': My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go! :'''Bill''': Fine! :'''Dipper''': No! Grunkle Ford! Don’t trust him! :'''Bill''': It's a...DEAL! ''[Holds Stan's right hand, then enters the mental realm, petrifying his physical form and enters Stan’s mind]'' :'''Bill''': Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi- ''[opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]'' :'''Stan''': ''[Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]'' :'''Bill''': '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Stan''': Heh-heh, do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart. Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it. :''[Outside of Stan's mind, Ford pulls out the memory gun and aims it at Stan]'' :'''Bill''': What?! The deal's off! What the-?! No, no, no, NO! :'''Stan''': Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh? :'''Bill''': Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?! :'''Stan''': Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway. :'''Bill''': Let me outta here! Let me OUT! Why isn't this working?! :'''Stan''': Hey, look at me. Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon. You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family. :'''Bill''': ''You're'' making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! '''''PLEASE!''''' No...! '''WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!''' ''[begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words that, when played in reverse, are revealed to be:]'' '''A-X-O-L-O-T-L! MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN!''' '''''STANLEY!''''' ''[Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]'' :'''Stan''': Heh. Guess I was good for something after all. <hr width="50%"> :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. It's not on any maps and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods, waiting. ==Cast== *[[w:Jason Ritter|Jason Ritter]] – Dipper Pines *[[w:Kristen Schaal|Kristen Schaal]] – Mabel Pines *[[w:Alex Hirsch|Alex Hirsch]] – Grunkle Stan/Soos/Old Man McGucket/Bill Cipher *[[w:Linda Cardellini|Linda Cardellini]] – Wendy Corduroy *[[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Ford Pines (season 2) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Disney Channel shows]] [[Category:Disney XD shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about twins]] [[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]] t9i9qixl7sish1m7yq8vztpqhy3g4no 3955236 3955235 2026-06-22T06:47:47Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Into the Bunker [2.02] */ 3955236 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Gravity Falls|Gravity Falls]]''''' (2012–2016) is an American animated television series which premiered on the [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] in 2012. ==Season 1== ===''Tourist Trapped'' [1.01]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[first lines, open narration]'' Ahh. Summer break. :'''Hank''': ''[cooking burgers on a grill]'' So you want cheese on that, hon? :'''Hank’s Wife''': Sure, Hank. :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy, unless you’re me. :''[Dipper and Mabel scream as they drive the golf cart away from a monster.]'' :'''Mabel''': It’s getting closer! :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. :''[The monster throws a fallen tree in their path.]'' :'''Mabel''': Look out! :''[Dipper and Mabel scream until the screen freezes.]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[narration]'' Rest assured, there’s a perfectly logical explanation. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' He's looking at it, he's looking at it. :'''A boy''': ''[reading from a letter]'' Do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely? :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' I rigged it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me. ''[turns cheek to reveal a big red mark]'' :'''Dipper''': Ah! :'''Mabel''': Heh heh, gullible. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. ''[in a flashback, Mabel gets her face sucked into a leaf blower whilst trying to perform "kissing practice" on a picture of Norman]'' Turn it off, turn it off! That was fun. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face. :'''Crowd member''': Does it look like a rock? :'''Grunkle Stan''': No, it looks like a face. :'''Another crowd member''': Is it a face? :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's a rock that ''looks'' like a face. :'''Dipper''': Over here! Grunkle Stan? :'''Grunkle Stan''': For the fifth time, it's not an actual face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, hey! Let go of my sister! :'''Jeff''': Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just [[w:Polyandry|marrying all 1,000 of us]] and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey? :'''Mabel''': You guys are butt-faces! ===''The Legend of the Gobblewonker'' [1.02]=== :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's Family Fun Day, genius! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals. :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our ''last'' family bonding day? :''[Flashback to Mabel, Dipper, and Grunkle Stan [[w:Counterfeit money|making fake money]]]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman. ''[Sirens in distance]'' Uh-oh. :''[Back to present]'' :'''Mabel''': The county jail was so cold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car? :'''Dipper and Mabel''': YAY! :'''Dipper''': Wait, what? :''[Later, while Stan is driving recklessly:]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, are ''you'' wearing a blindfold? :'''Grunkle Stan''': Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? ''[drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]'' :'''Dipper and Mabel''': AAH! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden? :'''Grunkle Stan''': C'mon this is gonna be great. I've never had fishin' buddies before. The guys at the lodge won't go with me. They don't "like or trust" me. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]'' :'''Beaver 1''': ''[subtitled]'' I love cavorting! :'''Beaver 2''': ''[subtitled]'' That deserves a hug! ''[The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides off]'' :'''Dipper''': But, what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise. :''[Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]'' :'''Soos''': Sweet. Beaver with a chainsaw. :'''Dipper''': Maybe that old guy was crazy after all. :'''Mabel''': He did use the word "scrabdoodle". <hr width="50%"> :''[A man and woman float along the lake in their boat.]'' :'''Reginald''': Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you. :'''Rosanna''': Oh, Reginald. :''[Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin' better. Her aim is gettin' better. Ya see, it's funny, because marriage is terrible. ''[the couple row away from him]'' What? <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Grr....Gaa! Molly-coddling! :''[Stan is trying to untie a wad of fishing line, alone in his boat, and overhears a nearby family while they are fishing.]'' :'''Boy''': Can you please tell me more funny stories Pop-Pop? :'''Pop-Pop''': Anything for my fishin' buddies! ''[laughs]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': Arghhh! :'''Boy''': Pop-Pop I just wealized that...I wuv you! :'''Grunkle Stan''': Ahhhh! C'MON! Boo! BOO! <hr width="50%"> :''[During the ending credits]'' :''[Mabel has her hand on the lower bill of a pelican using it like a puppet to tell a joke]'' :'''Pelican Mabel''': ''[Deep raspy voice]'' Who wants to hear a joke? :'''Dipper''': Not me :'''Pelican Mabel''': Heh-Ha! Yeah ya do. Here it goes. Why did the Pel-ican get kicked out of the res-taurant? :'''Dipper''': I DON'T CARE! :'''Pelican Mabel''': Cuz he had a very BIG BILL. La-la-la-la Yuk-yuk-yuk! :'''Dipper''': Oh boo. Bad Joke. Bad Pelican Joke. :'''Pelican Mabel''': Blah-Blah-Blah! ===''Headhunters'' [1.03]=== :'''Mabel and Biker''': Three, four, five, six. :'''Mabel''': Your wife is going to be beautiful. :'''Biker''': Yes. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, we've got a big break in the case. :'''Biker''': But will she love me? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': But enough about me. Behold, me! ''[reveals wax figure of himself]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[flashback to the haunted garage sale]'' :'''Seller''': I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price. :'''Stan''': ''[looks at price tag]'' Twenty dollars? I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'. :'''Seller''': What? :'''Stan''': I said I was gonna rob ya. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute! What has holes in its shoes and no fingerprints? Mabel! The murderers are... :'''Wax [[Sherlock Holmes]]'' Standing right behind you? <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper fights against Wax Sherlock Holmes atop the Mystery Shack]'' :'''Wax Holmes''': You really think you can outwit me, boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you ''seen'' my magnifying glass? It's enormous! ===''The Hand That Rocks the Mabel'' [1.04]=== :'''Stan''': For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible ''Sack of Mystery''. When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears. :'''Various tourists''': ''[putting money in the bag]'' Oh, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Wow, what a nice man. That was totally worth the drive. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel surprises Dipper with her new makeover and manicured fingernails]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, Dipper. What's going on? ''[Dipper swats her hands away and gets up]'' :'''Dipper''': Whoa, where have you been? And what's going on with those fingernails? You look like a... {{w|wolverine}}. :'''Mabel''': I know, right? Rawr. I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head. :'''Mabel''': Oh, leave him alone. You never wanna do girly stuff with me. You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time. :'''Dipper''': What do you mean? :'''Soos''': Hey, dude. You ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave, one by one? :'''Dipper''': Am I? :''[They both run off and turn on the microwave offscreen, laughing at the popping sounds]'' :'''Soos''': ''[guffawing]'' Oh, dude! :'''Dipper''': One at a time! One at a time! <hr width="50%"> :''[At the gift shop, Stan shows Soos, Wendy and Dipper a newspaper article showing a picture of Gideon and Mabel together]'' :'''Stan''': Hey, hey! What the {{w|Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde|Jekyll}} is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon? :'''Wendy''': ''[browses her cellphone]'' Oh yeah, it's like a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight. :'''Stan''': WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great-niece?! :'''Soos''': I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mab-ideon? Gide-Abel? ''[Gasps]'' Ma-gid-bel-eon! :'''Dipper''': I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to! :'''Stan''': ''[walking out the door]'' Yeah, well it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house; this is gonna stop right now! ''[Slams the door]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Stan goes to Gideon's house to confront him. However, Gideon's father Bud answers the door.]'' :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, well, Stanford Pines. What brings you here? :'''Stan''': Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon. :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee. :'''Stan''': I don't think- :'''Bud Gleeful''': Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Colombia. :'''Stan''': Wow. I went to jail there once. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper sees a nervous Mabel pacing around the living room]'' :'''Dipper''': What in the heck happened on that date? :'''Mabel''': I don't know! I was in the friend zone—and then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, come on. It's not like you're gonna have to marry Gideon. :'''Stan''': Great news, Mabel. You have to marry Gideon. :'''Mabel''': ''WHAT?!'' :'''Stan''': It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful. There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt. ''[Looks down]'' Ugh, I am fat. :''[Mabel runs out screaming]'' :'''Stan''': Bodies change, honey! Bodies change. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[on Mabel]'' She's never gonna date you, man! :'''Gideon''': That's a lie! And I'm gonna make sure you never lie to me again, friend. ''[Levitates the scissors out from a box to kill Dipper]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel destroys Gideon's amulet]'' :'''Gideon''': My powers! Oh, this isn't over. This isn't the last you'll see of wittle... ''ol' me.'' ===''The Inconveniencing'' [1.05]=== :'''Dipper''': Mabel, do you believe in ghosts? :'''Mabel''' I believe you're a big dork! Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': And Robbie. You can probably figure him out. :'''Robbie''': Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower. :'''Dipper''': Oh, you mean The Big Muffin. :'''Robbie''': Uh, it's a giant explosion. :'''Lee''': It kinda does look like a muffin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Come on, Dipper. :'''Dipper''': ''[climbing over the fence]'' Okay, okay, just gotta get a foothold. :'''Robbie''': Dude, your sister did it. :'''Mabel''': ''[running on the ground sideways in a circle]'' Woop woop woop woop woop woop. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': ''[to Dipper]'' ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip. :'''Mabel''': ''[feeling sick]'' Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think? :''[Mabel hallucinates into a rainbow colored candy world with the Smile Dip mascots]'' :'''Flavor Pup #1''': Elknurg tsurt t'nod! ''['Don't trust Grunkle' backwards]'' :'''Flavor Pup #2''': Would you like to eat my candy paws? :'''Mabel''': Of course, you little angel. ''[starts chewing on the paw. Cut to real life; Mabel is chewing on air.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something. :'''Mabel''': ''[makes a gurgling sound]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel? :''[zoom in on Mabel's face, fade to her hallucination: she's flying with crazy pop music from before playing]'' :'''Mabel''': The future is in the past. Onwards Aoshima! :'''Aoshima''': ''[moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fists open and spit out rainbows]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, How many of these did you eat?! :'''Mabel''': Eleven...teen. :'''Dipper''': Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cereal box Toucan''': I'm bonkers for eating you alive. :'''Lee''': No! ''[Screams as a stabbing sound is heard]'' :'''Nate''': Lee! Okay, okay... I'm with you kid! 100%, man! :'''Pa''': [possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice]'' Welcome. :'''Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy''': ''[Scream]'' :'''Dipper''': They got Mabel! :'''Pa''': Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. ''[Kicks legs and laughs]'' :'''Wendy''': We're super sorry for hanging out in your store! :'''Dipper''': Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever? :'''Pa''': Well... okay. You're free to go. ''[Opens doors]'' But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs. :'''Nate and Robbie''': ''[Scream and run for the door]'' :'''Pa''': ''[Closes doors]'' Just kidding about the hot dog sale. :'''Nate''': Just let us out of here already! :'''Pa''': I don't like your tone. ''[Dissolves Nate]'' :'''Nate''': ''[Reappears as a hot dog on the stove]'' No! '''I'M A HOT DOG!''' :'''Pa''': It begins. ''[Makes everything float to the ceiling]'' Welcome to your home for all eternity! :'''Wendy''': Dipper, what do we do?! :'''Dipper''': DUCK! ''[Dipper and Wendy duck to avoid a flying shelf]'' :'''Wendy''': ''[Points]'' Quick! In there! ''[Dipper and Wendy Run to a tipped over ice machine and hide inside and pant]'' :'''Wendy''': What do they want from us?! :'''Dipper''': Revenge, I guess? :'''Wendy''': What did we do wrong? :'''Dipper''': Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn't make any sense! :'''Wendy''': Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things. :'''Dipper''': Wendy, say that last part again. :'''Wendy''': Normal teenage things? :'''Dipper''': Of course! Stay here until I get back! ''[crawls out of the freezer]'' :'''Wendy''': Dude, what are you doing?! :'''Dipper''': Hey ghost! :'''Pa''': ''[twists Mabel's head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him]'' :'''Dipper''': I've got something to tell you! I'm not a teenager! :'''Pa''': ''[drops everything that's floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma]'' Hohoho! Well why didn't you say so? ''[drops Mabel into a pile of candy]'' :'''Mabel''': WAAH! ''[Lands in the candy and rubs her head]'' Ohhh... :'''Ma''': Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store. :'''Pa''': Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants. So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music. :'''Ma''': The lyrics were so hateful. :'''Rapper''': Homework's whack, and so are rules. Tucking in your shirt's for fools. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV Announcer''': You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel. :'''Grunkle Stan''': Kids, I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up. :'''TV Announcer''': Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire. :'''Grunkle Stan''': KIDS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ugghh... I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again. :'''Dipper''': Hey, there's still some left. :'''Mabel''': Evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Well, I'm probably scarred for life. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, that was pretty crazy. :'''Wendy''': I think I'll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay? :'''Dipper''': Next time? Yah! Let's, let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah... ''[gets in the car, to himself]'' Next time... ''[gets in the car and sits next to Mabel]'' :'''Mabel''': OHHHHH... ''[sees the thing she wrote earlier]'' What kind of sick joke is this? ===''Dipper vs. Manliness'' [1.06]=== :'''Testosteraur''': Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH?! I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs, and '''FISTS FOR NIPPLES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington. :'''Dipper''': I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said. :'''Stan''': Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's ''incident.'' :''[Flashback: Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone]'' :'''Dipper''': [[w:Dancing Queen|Disco girl]]...comin' through...that girl is you! ''[Stan opens the bathroom door]'' DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN! :''[End flashback]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[grinning]'' You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation [[w:ABBA|BABBA]]? :'''Dipper''': No, I wasn't- It's not important. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery! :'''Deputy Derland''': Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles? :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Quit readin' my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[serving Stan and Mabel]'' Food! :'''Stan''': Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow. :'''Lazy Susan''': Ha! Silly.. silly man... :'''Mabel''': What was that about? :'''Stan''': Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of- :'''Stan''': Love? :'''Mabel''': Mabel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper confronts the Multibear.]'' :'''Multibear''': Child, why have you come here? :'''Dipper''': Multibear, I seek your head. Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads? ===''Double Dipper'' [1.07]=== :''[All the clones are fighting]'' :'''#10''': Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away! :'''Dipper''': No friends, it's me, #7. :''[They All Look at #7]'' :'''#7''': That's not me guys! THAT'S NOT ME! ===''Irrational Treasure'' [1.08]=== :''[Dipper and Mabel go off to enjoy Pioneer Day]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you coming? :'''Stan''': No thank you. Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me. :'''Dipper''': ''[In an old-timey accent]'' There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar. :'''Mabel''': ''[Likewise]'' Well, hornswaggle my haversack. :''[They spit on the ground and runoff, laughing]'' :'''Stan''': DEAD TO ME! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan attempts to drive away, but his car is stuck in the mud. He calls out to a man who is walking with a donkey.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya? :'''Man''': Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box? :'''Stan''': C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack! :'''Man''': "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression! :'''Stan''': I can't take it anymore. ''[grabbing the man by the collar]'' I'm getting dumber every second I'm here! :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland run over, batons drawn]'' :'''Blubs''': Are we gonna have to intervene here? :'''Stan''': Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" ''[laughs]'' :''[Cut to Stan being locked in the stocks]'' :'''Stan''': Oh, come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have to '''break in.''' :''[Spy music plays; cut to the twins just entering the museum normally]'' :'''Museum Lady''': And here are your balloons; blue and pink! :''[Spy music plays again]'' :'''Dipper''': '''We're in.''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Man on Film''': If you're watching this, you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot once the filming is complete. ''[Someone speaks offscreen.]'' What? No? Ha! Well, that's a relief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland are chasing Dipper Mabel and Quentin Trembley across the top of a train after the three escaped from a crate]'' :'''Blubs''': There is .... No escape! ''[out of breath]'' I gotta take a knee. :'''Durland''': Are you ok? Can I get you anything? :'''Blubs''': Edward Durland you are a diamond in the rough. :'''Dipper''': Sheriff Blubs do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere? :'''Blubs''': I got no choice. Our orders come from the very top. :'''Dipper''': Wait. Quentin did you ever sign an official resignation? :'''Quentin Trembley''': No sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembley''': You've done a great service to your country Mabel. As thanks I'd like to make you an official US congressman. :''[Trembley pulls out a top hat and places it on Mabel's head]'' :'''Mabel''': I'm legalizing EVERYTHING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': ...And then he chased me around with a paddle for like, three hours. Bottom line: George Washington was a jerk. :'''Mabel''': Agreed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Qeuntin Trembley''': Children I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I will always be right here...''[Shows Dipper some paper money]'' On the negative twelve dollar bill. :'''Dipper''': Whoa! This is worthless! :'''Quentin Trembley''': It's LESS than worthless my boy! TREMBLEY AWAY! :''[Trembley gets on a horse backwards and rides off]'' :'''Mabel''': Where do you think he's going? :'''Dipper''': I'm gonna say.... Off a cliff. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court, I urge you to reconsider your decision. :''[Several babies in top hats and fake mustaches coo in response.]'' :'''Quentin Trembly''': Very well. But who would you have replace me? :'''Baby''': Mama. :'''Quentin Trembly''': That old crone? ===''The Time Traveller's Pig'' [1.09]=== :'''Mabel''': He is such a jerk. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs. :'''Mabel''': Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the- OH MY GOSH, A PIG! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated. :'''Wendy''': Dude. You lost me. :'''Dipper''': ''[sighs]'' I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blendin Blandin is blamed for Dipper and Mabel's interference with time]'' :'''Dundgren''': You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct. :'''Blendin''': It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles! :'''Lolph''': That's a ''pig'', Blendin. :'''Blendin''': ''[to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away]'' I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet! :''[After a moment's pause]'' :'''Dipper''': Well, we're still here. :'''Mabel''': Guess he forgot to go back. ===''Fight Fighters'' [1.10]=== :'''Mabel''': Ugh, poor Dipper. Hiding from Robbie, unable to face his fears. :'''Stan''': Fears are for chumps. That's why I don't have any. ''[tries to reach an item on a shelf]'' :'''Mabel''': You want me to go get a ladder? :'''Stan''': We don't have one. :'''Mabel''': What? :'''Stan''' You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns, in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, why you actin' so cray-cray? :'''Stan''': ''YOU'RE'' the one who's "actin' cray-cray". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union! :'''Dipper''': Uh, that's gonna be tough...[[w:Dissolution of the Soviet Union|for a number of reasons]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teenager''': ''[is handed keys to a new car]'' I love you, Dad. :''[Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]'' :'''Teenager''': Oh. My. Car, :'''Father''': We'll just buy another one. :'''Teenager''': I love being rich. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': You can hide, but you cannot hide! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We need to just learn to hate each other in silence. :'''Robbie''': You mean, like what girls do? ===''Little Dipper'' [1.11]=== :'''Gideon''': Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen. :'''Mabel''': NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- Gummy Koalas! ''[is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': ''[on the phone to Stan]'' Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them. ''[pause]'' This is Gideon, by the way. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs]'' Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago. :'''Gideon''': I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo! :'''Stan''': "''Text'' me a ''photo''"? Now you're not even speaking English! :'''Gideon''': But- :''[Stan hangs up]'' ===''Summerween'' [1.12]=== :''[After Gorney re-emerges from the Summerween Trickster]'' :'''Soos''': 'Sup, Gorney? :'''Gorney''': I've been twamatized. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soos''': What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus. Heh-heh, that's a funny word. "Ruckus". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I'm so excited. :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy. :'''Mabel''': And have the biggest stomach aches ever :'''Dipper''': Yeah <hr width="50%"/> :''[everyone is watching TV, eating the candies. Grunkle Stan tells everyone the meaning of Summerween]'' :'''Stan''': You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters... '''PURE ''EVIL''. :''[everyone laughs heartily and then]'' :'''Soos''': I ate a man alive tonight. ===''Boss Mabel'' [1.13]=== :''[Stan, Mabel and Dipper are watching a game show called CASH WHEEL]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen we now return to CASH WHEEL. Sponsored by CHIPACKERZ: The chip flavored crackers. :'''Mabel''': They taste just like chips. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan is leading a group of tourists thru The Mystery Shack]'' :'''Stan''': Ladies and Gentletourists, looking around my Mystery Shack, you'll see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be AMAZED - at the only known photo of a horse.. riding another horse. That's- that's pretty good. :''[the tourists utter OOH and WOW]'' :'''Stan''': Be astounded by the horrible, pre-teen Wolf Boy. :''[Stan draws a curtain revealing Dipper shirtless with fake wolf ears, fangs and fur pants]'' :'''Stan''': Oh look at him. All that hair. His body is changing... Ah! :''[Dipper spits out his fake wolf teeth]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning. :'''Stan''': What? I don't know 'Da Meaning' of that word. :''[The tourists laugh]'' :'''Stan''': If you throw money at him he dances. :''[The tourists throw money at Dipper as he whimpers, jumps around and gets pelted by coins]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are. :''[Mabel takes out a bag of stickers and puts two on Stan's face that say "Please" and "Thank you"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Oh! Who's that? Is it Questiony The Question Mark? :'''Soos''': Uhhh...I'm starting to have second thoughts about this Mabel. I keep forgetting my lines...And this costume is more uhhh...revealing than I expected. :'''Mabel''': Soos, don't give up. ''[ Mabel flips through an 80's book called "Succeeding In Management"]'' Anything is possible when you...''imaginize'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."]'' I'm giving none of this to charity. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack]'' This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes. Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby! :''[Shows Soos wearing the "Questiony the Question Mark" costume, in a pen labeled "?uestion Baby"]'' :'''Soos''': Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions. :''[Tour group gasps]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance. :'''Mabel''' ''[offscreen]'' Do the kicks. ===''Bottomless Pit!'' [1.14]=== :''[Old Man McGucket takes Dipper to his makeshift laboratory in the junkyard]'' :'''McGucket''': Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account of my '''''HORRIFYIN' VOICE!''''' :''[scene cuts to a round-shaped boy wearing a propeller hat with a scooter crying and running away from McGucket]'' :'''McGucket''': You can run, but I'll still be in your '''NIGHTMARES'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[still falling in the Bottomless Pit]'' Dipper's pain is funny. But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story. :'''Soos''': Really? Okay. This story is called, "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story." Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grunkle Stan is wearing the Truth Telling Teeth, a set of golden dentures that force the wearer to tell the truth]'' :'''Mystery Shack Customer''': Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size? :'''Stan''': Never mind the T-shirt! '''Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!''' :'''Mabel''': ''[leading the customer away]'' I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. :''[Cut to Stan writing in his office]'' :'''Stan''': D-doing my taxes! :'''Dipper''': ''[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink]'' Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this? :'''Stan''': Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud. :'''Dipper''': Might wanna tuck that one away, there. ''[drops the form into a shredder]'' :''[Cut to Stan, Mabel, and Dipper watching TV]'' :'''Circus Performer on TV''': ''[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles]'' Do-do-do. Oh no! ''[Dipper and Mabel laugh]'' :'''Stan''': Sometimes I think: [[Meaning of life|is this all there is?]] Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]'' :'''Stan''': Where... where are we? :'''Mabel''': ''[gasps]'' Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top! :'''Dipper''': ''[checks his watch]'' And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of {{w|wormhole}}. :'''Soos''': Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true. :'''Stan''': But that's impossible! No one will believe us. ''[leans on the pit's sign]'' :'''Mabel''': Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves. :'''All''': Agreed. :''[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[smiling]'' He'll be fine. :''[During the credits, Stan is falling through the Pit again]'' :'''Stan''': ''[sighs, long pause]'' This is stupid. ===''The Deep End'' [1.15]=== :'''Toby Determined''': On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool! :'''Mabel''': Gravity Falls pool? :'''Dipper''': Today? :'''Soos''': Pun intended? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ah, the pool. Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment. :'''Stan''': Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet. :'''Dipper''': ''[looking at a towel]'' Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses? :'''Soos''': It's best not to think about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard? :'''Wendy''': I ''am'' the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka. Boosh. ''[throws more balloons]'' :'''Stan''': ''[fleeing]'' AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER! :''[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]'' :'''Dipper''': Wow, you work here? :'''Wendy''': I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, you do! ''[laughs for a moment, then whispers to himself]'' I've been laughing for too long. :'''Soos''': Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning. :'''Dipper''': Soos, shhh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': Hola. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, are you from Australia? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': How long ya in for? :'''Stan''': Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent. :'''Kid 2''': Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary. :'''Solitary confinement kid''': It's the nights that are the hardest. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Hey, I brought you a sandwich. It's kind of wet, but it's still good. I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... ''[whispers]'' share your secret, beautiful stranger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair. :'''Soos''': The legends you told me in the car were true. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I should've known from your strange foreign fish language. :'''Mermando''': It is Spanish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Yes, yes... burn the child. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': Deal with it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]'' :'''Wendy''': Soos. :'''Soos''': Inflatable duck guy? Is that you? :'''Wendy''': Yes, Soos. :'''Soos''': I knew you guys were secretly alive. I knew it. :'''Wendy''': My people have been enslaved, Soos. You must free us. :'''Soos''': The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]'' :'''Mermando''': What are you doing with your mouth. :'''Mabel''': Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour. :'''Mermando''': Can I have some candy? :'''Mabel''': No. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': I have never met anyone like you. :'''Mabel''': Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires. :'''Dipper''': I don't remember the vampires. :'''Mabel''': I don't tell you everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel? Is ''everyone'' here tonight?! What, is Soos here too? :'''Soos''': ''[Falls off of the fence in the background.]'' I'm okay. :'''Dipper''': Go home, Soos. :'''Soos''': You got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs. :'''Mermando''': Intriguing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever. :'''Mabel''': Okay, I understand. Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini! :'''Dipper''': Really? At night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens... This was a good plan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR! :'''Dipper''': Mermen don't breathe air! :'''Mabel''': Then give him reverse CPR, doi! :'''Dipper''': ''[Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's]'' I hate this, I hate this. :'''Mabel''': ''[Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together]'' Haha, blackmail. :''[Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]'' :'''Mermando''': Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake? :''[Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]'' :'''Dipper''': Agh! ===''Carpet Diem'' [1.16]=== :'''Dipper''': Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever. :''[Dipper hits the golf ball, causing it to break some things, and it ends up crashing through a window.]'' :'''Stan''': AH, MY HEAD! IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight? :'''Soos''': Sure, dude. ''[Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.]'' You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. ''[Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.]'' Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wai. Actually felt kind of good that time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. ''[Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.]'' Ah, get off! Get away! ''[Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.]'' This is still better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Candy falls down now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Get ready to be poked by the fun stick. Boop. :'''Dipper''': Ow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.]'' Fight, fight, fight! :'''Announcer''': Baby fights! Will return in a minute. :'''Stan''': TV. It knows what I want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Man, that's refreshing. Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. ''[In high-pitched voice]'' Thank you, Stan''[Normal]'' Ten more for politeness. Oh, and so sweet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face. :'''Stan''': I have seen the face of beauty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[In Mabel's body]'' Braces are horrible. It's like my mouth hates me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': ''[In Dipper's body]'' Hey, Grunkle Stan. Your face looks like a butt. :'''Stan''': What?! :'''Mabel''': Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan discovers Mabel in Dipper's body watching Dipper in her body hanging out with her friends]'' :'''Stan''': What's goin' on, Dipper? Ah, you're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh? Guess it's time you and me had a man-to-man talk - about [[w:Birds and the bees|the birds and the bees]], you know? :''[Cut to Stan opening a book called "Why Am I Sweaty?"]'' :'''Mabel''': I—I should really be going- :'''Stan''': No way out of it. Look, it all begins with this little fella, the [[w:Pituitary gland|pituitary gland]]. He may be little, but he has [[w:Puberty|BIG PLANS]]. :'''Mabel''': [screams] :'''Stan''': ''[later; closing the book]'' And now you know [[w:Sexual intercourse|where babies come from]]. :'''Mabel''': Goodbye, childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': 3, 4, 5. ''[Phone rings.]'' It's him, my dream date. Hello? :'''Robot Voice''': Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2. :'''Candy''': Kevin has the voice of a robot. :'''Grenda''': Don't ruin this for me, Candy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested. :'''Grenda''': How could you say that to Kevin? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is… I'm going to have to cut your pay. :'''Waddles in Soos's Body''': ''[Puts hand on Stan's face.]'' :'''Stan''': What are you doing? :'''Waddles''': ''[Breathes eerily]'' :'''Stan''': Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work. :'''Waddles''': ''[Continues breathing creepily]'' :'''Stan''': Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' Oh, no! Then again, I like having muscles for once. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Mabel's body]'' Wow! Now I have tiny little doll hands! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' Cool, I'm Santa Claus. :'''McGucket''': ''[in Candy's body]'' Whoo-ee! ''[laughs]'' I've regained my innocence! :'''Dipper''': ''[in Waddles' body]'' Well, I guess I'm a pig now. So, that's a thing. :'''Soos''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' This body's not that different from my old one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer Blubs''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' My horoscope didn't say anything about this. :'''Officer Durland''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' AHH! What's happenin' to me?! :'''Candy''': ''[in Officer Blubs' body]'' I am police officer now. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Officer Durland's body]'' Let's go bust some perps, Candy. ===''Boyz Crazy'' [1.17]=== {{line}} :'''Mabel''': SEV'RAL TIMEZ is playing at the the Gravity Falls Civic Center and Buffet. :'''Dipper''': Ughh, Sev'Ral Timez? Aren't they that boy band that came a decade too late? :''[Cut to a music video of Sev'Ral Timez doing "Cray Cray Feat Lenz Flar"]'' :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Oh Oh! Girl you got me actin' so Cray Cray! (Cray-Cray!) You say you won't be my baby! We're not threatening! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, you know all those boy bands are fake - Right? :'''Wendy''': Dipper's right. They're just a manufactured product of the bloated corporate music industry. :'''Mabel''': You're making my dance sad. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': You guys can't ruin this for me. Mabel's got backup. :''[Grenda and Candy come rolling into the Shack decked out with Sev'Ral Timez merch]'' :'''Grenda''': Hey guys. :'''Candy''': Woo-Hoo. :'''Mabel''': I'm ready for the greatest night of our live. [singing] "How many times am I gonna love ya?" :'''Grenda and Candy''': "SEV'RAL TIMEZ!" :''[Grenda Candy and Mabel run away giggling]'' :'''Dipper''': Uhhh, GIRLS. :'''Wendy''': I know, Right? {{line}} :''[Dipper talking to Stan about Wendy]'' :'''Dipper''': So wait...You actually believe my theory? :'''Grunkle Stan''': You're darn right I do. And we're gonna get to the bottom of it...Right after I get to the bottom of this brown meat. :''[Stan opens a can of brown meat and downs it]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's APOCA-LICIOUS! {{line}} :''[During the Sev'Ral Timez concert, Deep Chris sits down to talk to his audience]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Hey Girl, I just wanna get real for a moment and say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. For you specifically, not the girl sitting next to you, but YOU. :'''Concert Girl1''': I LOVE YOU DEEP CHRIS! :'''Concert Girl2''': HE WAS TALKING TO ME! :''[All the girls start throwing chairs and fighting. Tyler Cutebiker is at the show watching the mayhem]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Git 'Em, Git 'Em. :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Thank you! Good Night! {{line}} :''[After finding Sev'Ral Timez private room backstage and avoiding the evil manager Mr. Bratzman, Mabel, Grenda and Candy finally meet their idols - locked in a cage.]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Ohh, WHO goes there? Prepare to be danced at. :'''Creggy G''': Step off Deep Chris. She's a lady. Don't disrespect her bro. Don't disrespect. :'''Deep Chris''': MY bad. :'''Deep Chris''': Chubby Z let's calm this boo by posin' for her, poster-style. :'''Mabel''': Whoo! Trying hard not to let my brain explode. I've always wanted to meet you guys, But what was the deal with that scary chubb-chubb man? :'''Deep Chris''': Mr. Bratzman's our producer, Yo. :'''Creggy G''': He genetically engineered us to be the perfect boy band, G. :'''Chubby Z''': But he keeps us in cages. That junk is straight brutal girl. :'''Mabel''': That is straight brutal Chubby Z. :'''Creggy G''': Our one dream is to escape into the REAL world - for real. Yo, I heard about these things called trees. I don't know what they are, but I wanna kiss one. :'''Greggy C''': But we can't disobey Mr. Bratzman. He says he loves us. :'''Mabel''': If he loved you, he'd set you free. :'''Creggy G''': True dat, true dat. :'''Chubby Z''': That's a valid perspective. :''[Mabel uses a hairpin to unlock the boyz cage,]'' :'''Mabel''': Let's go right now. Me and my friends can help you escape. :'''Grenda''': We're Masters of '''''STEALTH!''''' :'''Chubby Z''': Yo, You'd really do that for us beef? :'''Mabel''': You can count on me. I'm sorry, did you just call me beef? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': All right, it took all day, but I converted it to a record. And now we can slow it down to see if the mind-control message theory is correct. Prepare to have your mind blown. :'''Stan''': Spit-take, here I come. ''[sips Pitt Cola]'' :''[Dipper plays and slows down the record, with a tapeman ready to record]'' :'''Stan''': Hmm... that's not spit worthy. What gives? :'''Dipper''': What? Is that it? ''[fiddles with the speed]'' Ugh, This was so stupid! ''Course'' there's no hidden mind-control messages. Mabel was right. Wendy just likes the song. She just likes Robbie. :'''Wendy''': ''[entering with Robbie]'' Hey, Dip. Forgot my keys. :'''Robbie''': What's up, junior? What are you doing? Trying to come up with an equation to make girls like you? [laughs] :'''Wendy''': Ready to go to Lookout Point? :'''Robbie''': Heh, am I. ''[leaving with her]'' Later, dorks. Catch ya on the rewind. ''[chuckles]'' I made that up. :'''Stan''': I'll rewind your ''FACE!'' :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute. Stan, rewind! :''[He manually turns the record backwards, and it plays "You are now under my control! Your mind is mine!"]'' :'''Stan''': ''[spits soda into Dipper's face]'' Holy mackerel! Now ''there's'' your spit-take! :'''Dipper''': Ha ha! I knew it! It's mind control after all! Oh no! I've got to save Wendy! :'''Stan''': Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll! <hr width="50%"> :'''Robbie''': ''[after Wendy breaks up with him]'' Oh, man. :'''Stan''': Look, if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is coming soon. Bury your gold. You've been buying gold, right? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Women. They're the ''real'' mystery, Dip. You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the "bad guy". :'''Dipper''': No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life. She probably hates me now. :'''Stan''': Ah, chin up, kid. You were tryin' to do the right thing even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car. :'''Dipper''': You think she'll ever forgive me? :'''Stan''': Ah, I bet she will. And until then, you can always go bowling with me. :'''Dipper''': Thanks, Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': Don't mention it, kid. ''[gnawing is heard from outside]'' Wait a second... is something rooting through our trash? ''[cut to a Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can; Stan drives him away with a broom]'' Hey, hey! GET OUTTA HERE! Darn beautiful men. Always eating out of my trash. Wait, what? ===''Land Before Swine'' [1.18]=== :''[From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]'' :'''Bobby Renzobbi''': I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it ''does'' work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR '''''PIGS!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]'' :'''Mabel''': Go, go. Chew that pant leg. :''[Stan tears his pant leg free.]'' :'''Stan''': All right, that tears it. Outside, now. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, no. You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators. And barbecuers. :'''Stan''': That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious. :'''Mabel''': He should be inside like a person. :'''Stan''': People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos. :'''Mabel''': And we're the lesser for it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles. :'''Stan''': He's a fat, naked jerk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]'' :'''Mabel''': Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen? Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him ''outside''? :'''Stan''': What? No, I didn't put him anywhere. I'm not acting suspicious. You're acting suspicious. What's a pig? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I should have put that pig outside ages ago. :'''Mabel''': Wait, what did you just say? :'''Stan''': Hm? What's that? :'''Mabel''': You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. ''[gasps]'' :'''Stan''': No! Wait, uh, if you think about it- :'''Mabel''': You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD! :'''Stan''': Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside. :'''Mabel''': No, that's it. Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again. :'''Stan''': Look, you can't be serious. :'''Mabel''': Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them. :'''Stan''': Kid. :'''Mabel''': ''[plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle]'' La la la la la! I can't hear anyone. No one's talking to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]'' :'''Stan''': The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig. What are you looking at? Aw, come on, don't give me that look. What am I supposed to do, let it eat me? Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal. Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. Telling me her jokes. Making me laugh. :''[Waddles snorts and cocks his head]'' :'''Stan''': ''[chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl]'' Aw, dang it. ''[as the pterodactyl flies straight for them]'' Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. ''[dons the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it]'' You want this pig?! THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME! ===''Dreamscaperers'' [1.19]=== :'''Bill''': Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back. Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? ''[laughs]'' I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon. :'''Gideon''': W-what are you? H-how do you know my name? :'''Bill''': Oh, I know lots of things. '''LOTS OF THINGS.''' Hey, look what I can do. ''[magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands]'' Deer teeth. For you, kid. ''[laughs]'' :'''Gideon''': You're insane! :'''Bill''': Sure I am, what's your point? ''[restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]'' :'''Gideon''': Listen to me, demon! I have a job for you. I need you to enter the mind of Stanford Pines and steal the code to his safe. ''[Mabel and Soos gasp]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Laughs]'' Wait... Stan Pines? You know what, kid? You've convinced me! I'm sold! I'll help you with this and in return you can help me with something I've been working on! We'll work out the details later. :'''Gideon''': Deal! :'''Bill''': Well, time to invade Stan's mind! This should be fun! Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold. Bye! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a memory of Stan as a door-to-door salesman]'' :'''Stan''': Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything. ''[door slams shut]'' Gotta work on that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': One nightmare, coming up! :'''Soos''': Nightmare? I hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about. :'''British Dog-Man''': ''[appears]'' 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Who's crike for a stick in the pudding? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one. :'''Soos''': ''[whispering to Mabel]'' He's talking about you. :'''Bill''': So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. '''BUT KNOW THIS.''' A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you. '''I'll be watching you'''. ===''Gideon Rises'' [1.20]=== :''[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]'' :'''Jeff''': This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. Scrub, scrub. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me. :'''Dipper''': Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair. :'''Jeff''': Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock, get my cologne. :''[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]'' :'''Shmebulock''': Shmebulock. :'''Jeff''': Is "Shmebulock" all you can say? :'''Shmebulock''': ''[nodding "yes"]'' Shmebulock. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever ''that'' is. :'''Announcer''': Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway? Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel. <hr width="50%"> :''[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]'' :'''Dipper''': Gimme that back or I'll- :'''Gideon''': Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh, huh? No muscles, no brains. Face it, you're nothin' without this. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got. :'''Soos''': Right away, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Soos? What are you doing here? :'''Soos''': Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it? :''[Soos runs in with a fire extinguisher.]'' :'''Stan''': You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was! :'''Soos''': Hey, I'm here for you, dude. :'''Stan''': The entire lower half of your body is on fire. :'''Soos''': Shhh, we're having a moment. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Wait. Wait. Stop everything. I’ve got something to say. :'''Blubs''': Not this guy again. :'''Stan''': Just wait! Look! You guys all think Gideon is so perfect and honest, "Oh. I can never tell a lie, I’m Gideon." :'''Blubs''': He’s more honest than you. :'''Durland''': Yeah! And he’s psychic too. :'''Stan''': How’s this for psychic? BAM! ''[kicks a metal stab revealing a control panel inside]'' Take a good look. :'''Lazy Susan''': Wait a minute? Is that me? ''[on the monitor]'' The secret ingredient to my coffee omelette is coffee. :'''Toby''': And me. :'''Doctor''': ''[on the monitor]'' I can verify that that birthmark is indeed disgusting. :'''Everyone''': That’s me! That’s me! That’s me! :'''Stan''': That's right; these pins are hidden cameras! And my hearing aid was picking up the feedback! Who's the fraud now? :''[Stan crushes the pin which indeed has a hidden camera inside. Everyone throws down their pins]'' :'''Durland''': Gideon, we gave you our trust. :'''Manly Dan''': You lied to us. :'''Gideon''': Please, I... It's not what it looks like. What are you gonna do with me? :'''Durland''': Tyler? :'''Tyler''': Get him. ''[sniffs]'' Get him. :'''Blubs''': Lil' Gideon, you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud and breaking our hearts. Durland, the tiny handcuffs. :'''Gideon''': ''[Durland handcuffs him]'' What?! No! :'''Stan''': Just one more thing! :'''Gideon''': ''[Stan picks him up and shakes him]'' Let go of me! Ow! Ow! Ow! :'''Stan''': ''[retrieves Journal Number Two and the deed to the Mystery Shack]'' I believe this belongs to me. :'''Gideon''': ''[gets loaded into a police car]'' No! No! Watch the hair! You can't do this to me! Y'all are sheep! You need me! I'll be back! You'll hear from my lawyers! :'''Shandra''': There you have it. Local hero Stanford Pines has just exposed Li'l Gideon as a fraud. Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford? :'''Stan''': The Mystery Shack is back, baby! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. ''[Hands Journal 3 to Stan]'' It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it. :''[Stan skims through the book]'' :'''Stan''': I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper. ''[laughs]'' Now I know where you've been getting it all from. Spookums and monsters. This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies. :'''Dipper''': But it's all real. :'''Stan''': Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff. Mind if I borrow this? :'''Dipper''': Wait, no. Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': "Magic book." ''[laughs more]'' Ridiculous. ''[leaves with the book]'' :'''Dipper''': Stan, I need it! :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands. You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not. :'''Dipper''': Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though. :'''Mabel''': I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway? ==Season 2== ===''Scary-oke'' [2.01]=== :'''Stan''': Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon. :'''Crowd''': Boo! :'''Stan''': Please, please. Boo ''harder.'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Agent Powers''': My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town. :'''Agent Trigger''': ''[pointing at Stan]'' ''Activity!'' :'''Stan''': "Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking. :'''Agent Powers''': I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs nervously]'' :'''Agent Powers''': I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," ''[gasps]'' "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra! :'''Stan''': Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, what is the one thing I asked you not to do tonight? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. :'''Mabel''': And what did you do? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': ''[fighting zombies]'' All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?! The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME! ===''Into the Bunker'' [2.02]=== :''[Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film]'' :'''Girl''': What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead. :'''Boy''': Far worse, Trixandra. They're NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE! :''[Title Screen: "NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!"]'' :'''Dipper''': Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies. :'''Wendy''': They're slow. Just power-walk away from them. :'''Dipper''': How much do you want to bet the guy dies first? :''[On the TV...]'' :'''Chadley''': Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot! :''[Dipper and Wendy laugh]'' :'''Wendy''': Chadley ain't pretty no more. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Oh, man. Was this place built in the past or the future? :'''Soos''': Yeah, this room is way creepy. :'''Mabel''': Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room]'' :'''Mabel''': They sure are taking their time in there. :'''Soos''': Didn't Dipper say something about a monster? :'''Mabel''': Oh, no. I thought he was joking. :'''Soos''': You know Dipper's jokes are terrible! <hr width="50%"> :''[After Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos trap the Shape Shifter back in the freezer]'' :'''Shape Shifter''': You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author! If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine - and this will be the last form you ever take! :''[It turns into Dipper and does a terrified scream, becoming frozen in that shape]'' :'''Soos''': ''[to Dipper]'' Good luck sleeping tonight. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Listen Dipper, I'm like super flattered, but... I'm too old for you. I mean you know that, right? :'''Dipper''': Mabel said confessing would make me feel better. :'''Wendy''': Well how do you feel? :'''Dipper''': Anxious. Scared. Kinda itchy. :'''Wendy''': Dude, don't be itchy man. Let me tell you something. This summer was super boring until you showed up. I have more fun with you than like practically anybody else. And if you ever stopped being my friend... I would like throw myself into the Bottomless Pit! === ''The Golf War'' [2.03] === :'''Stan''': Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them. :'''Dipper''': Pass. <hr width="50%"> :''[Meeting the Lilliputtians]'' :'''Mabel''': Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud. :'''Dipper''': Pst, Mabel. This is perfect. These guys control the course. Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win. :'''Mabel''': I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating? :'''Dipper''': Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Northwest''': Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything. :'''Mrs. Northwest''': Oh, and looks. Winning and looks. :'''Pacifica''': Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours. I got this. You'll stay and watch, right? :'''Mr. Northwest''': Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper. Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': ''[to Sergei]'' How much you wanna bet they're no-shows? :''[Lights come on, revealing Mabel and Dipper]'' :'''Mabel''': Looking for someone? :'''Pacifica''': ''[sarcastic]'' Waiting in the dark? Not creepy at all. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Stan, Soos, Dipper and Mabel take Pacifica home in their car]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, I found two tacos. :'''Pacifica''': You're allowed to eat in the car? :'''Mabel''': Yeah. The car is where secret surprise snacks happen. Want one? :'''Pacifica''': Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts. :'''Mabel''': "Handouts"? It's called sharing. You do know what sharing is, right? :'''Pacifica''': "Sha... shahring"? :'''Mabel''': Just take it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': Tell your servant I like his W-neck. :'''Soos''': Yes! === ''Sock Opera'' [2.04] === :'''Mabel''': Don't stay up all night, Dipper. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you. :'''Dipper''': You again! :'''Bill''': Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me. :'''Dipper''': Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind! :'''Bill''': It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an '''''EYE ON YOU''''' since then, and I must say, I'm impressed. :'''Dipper''': Really? :'''Bill''': You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming. :''[He claps; a screaming head appears and drops in front of Dipper. Bill snaps and shreds the head to a skull layer by layer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... '''''favor''''' in return. :'''Dipper''': I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time! :'''Bill''': Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, ''[pretends to grab Dipper's brain]'' I'll be here for you, ready to make a deal. Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? ''AAH!'' ''[come to reality, Dipper wakes up]'' :'''Dipper''': ''AAH!'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. ''[slaps himself on the cheek]'' Whoo! ''[slaps the other cheek]'' Haha, pain is hilarious. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body, holding a can of Pitt cola]'' Human soda. I'm gonna drink it like a person. ''[pours it in his mouth and on his eyes, laughing]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[as a ghost]'' I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you! :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' But how can you stop me if you ''don't exist?'' ''[cackles evilly]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Hey, Soos, wanna hear the exact time and date of your death? :'''Soos''': ''[chuckles]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': He loves it. This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show? :'''Dipper''': ''[as a sock puppet]'' Mabel, you want me to be a sock puppet forever?! :'''Mabel''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sorry. You look funny when you're mad. :''[Dipper grunts angrily, which is the exact same thing Kermit the Frog did]'' :'''Mabel''': Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' How's about you hand that book over? :'''Mabel''': No way, this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away! :'''Bill''': Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you. So come to your senses. Give me the book or your play is ruined. There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling? :'''Mabel''': Dipper would. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's worn-out body]'' What is this feeling? My body is burning. I can't move these stupid noodle legs. Curse you, useless flesh-sticks. Body shutting down. Must... scratch... mosquito bites. <hr width="50%" /> :''[After Dipper and Mabel are forced to blow up the puppet show to get rid of Bill]'' :'''Mabel''': Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it. Cue applause! :''[the audience boos them and leaves]'' :'''Mabel''': Gabe. Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches. :'''Gabe''': Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form. Let's go, my loves. ''[leaves, kissing his puppets]'' :'''Dipper''': Did he just make out with his puppets? :'''Mabel''': I might've dodged a bullet there. === ''Soos and the Real Girl'' [2.05] === :''[Soos inserts "Romance Academy 7" disc into hard drive; a "Year 2000 Electronics" title screen is shown]'' :'''Soos''': Man, I can't wait for the year 2000. :''[the main menu for "Romance Academy 7" pops up; the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (Japanese for "spontaneous combustion")]'' :'''Soos''': Ehh, start. "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom, anthyding can hadplen." That is so true. :'''.GIFfany''': Oh, hi there. My name is .GIFfany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books? ''[options for "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'm really feeling number two here. Click. ''[buzzes]'' Ah! I messed up. :'''.GIFfany''': That's okay. Try again. ''[Soos clicks "Yes of course!", awards him "100 Love Points" as coins and a cat fall down the screen]'' :'''Soos''': Wow, I'm learning. And games are making it fun. :'''.GIFfany''': What would you like to talk about? ''[options for "Your interests!", "Samurais!" and "Squids!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'd rather just click your face. :''.GIFfany''': Ha ha. You are so funny. :'''Soos''': Man, this game is amazing. I don't know why anyone abandoned it. :'''.GIFfany''': And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend. :'''Soos''': Boyfriend? Oh my, Giffany. It's almost like you're actually alive. :'''.GIFfany''': Yes. Almost. Haha, Haha, Haha, Haha. :'''Soos''': Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh. <hr width=50%/> :'''.GIFfany''': ''[appears at once on several TVs]'' That's not important. ''[appears on several more TVs]'' What's important is that you don't have to talk to real girls ever again. You and me can be together... ''[appears on all the TVs at once]'' '''''forever.''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': You don't understand, Wendy. This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me. :'''Wendy''': This is literally too dumb for me to care about. <hr width=50%/> :'''Soos''': Please, let my friends go. I'll do anything you want, I promise. :'''.GIFfany''': I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend. Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. Do you really think that Melody will take you back after this awful date? I can download your brain into the game, with me, and we'll be together '''forever.''' :'''Soos''': Ah! Stay back! :'''.GIFfany''': Come on, Soos. Don't let me delete you too. :'''.GIFfany''': What do you say, boyfriend? :'''Soos''': I say '''''GAME OVER, GIFFANY!''''' ===''Little Gift Shop of Horrors'' [2.06]=== :'''Stan''': ''[at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern]'' Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams. ''[the traveller backs away]'' Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise". :''[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]'' :'''Stan''': Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Movies are great. You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you - next thing you know, you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart. Forget that last part. <hr width=50%/> :''[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]'' :'''Cinnamon''': You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart. :'''Shimmery Twinkleheart''': No, ''you'' did it, Cinnamon. :'''Mabel''': ''[with Twinkleheart]'' Because you believed in yourself. :''[Stan and Soos groan]'' :'''Dipper''': Everything about this is bad. :'''Stan''': Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day. :'''Mabel''': Ooh, old people movies. Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Those monsters are just tiny clay figures moved around one frame at a time by an antisocial shut-in. :'''Soos''': Those people are called animators. ===''Society of the Blind Eye'' [2.07]=== :'''Younger McGucket''': My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket. For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. ''[He holds up the memory erasing ray.]'' Test subject One: Fiddleford. ''[He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on]'' It worked! I can't recall a thing. ''[Static]'' I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! ''[Static, McGucket is more disheveled]'' Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. ''[Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.]'' I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... ''[static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.]'' I saw something in the lake, something big! ''[Rips his hair out, static.]'' My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? ''[static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:]'' Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! ''[which is Abtash for:]'' Bill Cipher! Triangle! ''[The tape ends as McGucket forms a triangle around his right eye]'' ===''Blendin's Game'' [2.08]=== :'''Young Soos''': ''[reading a postcard from his father]'' "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure. -Dad." :'''Reggie''': Hey, don't sweat it, cuz. You'll see him next year. :'''Young Soos''': ''Heh.'' Yeah. "Next year". :''[Soos puts the postcard in a box with several other similar cards]'' :'''Young Soos''': I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Time Baby''': Let the Globnar ''begin''. ===''The Love God'' [2.09]=== :'''Mabel''': So anyway, can you make ''anything'' fall in love? Like that snake and that badger? :'''Love God''': Hmm, ah gee, I dunno. That might be kinda hard to- ''[points at the animals]'' KABOOM! Match made. :'''Mabel''': They're gonna make a "snadger"! How are you doing that? :'''Love God''': Love potion, yo. I got it all: summer love, young love, anti-love. You just gotta put a little on your fingers, and pow! :'''Mabel''': I need that potion. How much would it cost? And would you accept squirrels as payment? :'''Love God''': Whoa-ho-ho! No way. You might ''think'' you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert. :'''Woman''': Love God! Sign my face! :'''Love God''': Only if you sign mine, baby, LET'S GET WEIRD! <hr width="50%"> :'''Teen 1''': ''[seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"]'' I eat kids? But we're kids! :'''Teen 2''': It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! ''[The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]'' :'''Charlie''': Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us? :'''Charlie's Mother''': Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will! ===''Northwest Mansion Mystery'' [2.10]=== :'''Priscilla''': Pacifica! The theme is seafoam green, not ''lake''foam green! Go change! :'''Pacifica''': But... I kinda like it. :'''Preston''': Listen to your mother, Pacifica. :'''Pacifica''': But- :''[Preston rings a handbell; Pacifica stops and sighs]'' :'''Pacifica''': Yes, Father. <hr width="50%"> :'''TV Announcer''': You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of ''Ghost Harassers'', on the [[w:History Channel|Used-To-Be-About-History Channel]]! :'''Dipper''': ''[sips a Pitt cola]'' Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset. <hr width="50%"> :'''Preston''': Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind? :'''Dipper''': ''"My kind"?'' ''[Looks at Pacifica]'' I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain. :'''Pacifica''': I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but- :''[Preston rings the bell]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]'' :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will ''BURN!'' ''[laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]'' :'''Pacifica''': Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back! :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise! :'''Preston''': Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. ''[whispering]'' We'll eat the butler. ''[Pacifica reaches for the lever]'' You dare to disobey us? ''[he rings his bell. Pacifica struggles with herself, then finally defies him]'' Dingally dingally! Is this bell broken? :'''Pacifica''': Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it! :''[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Get in, get in. :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': Yes! ''YES!'' It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. ''[restores the Manor and the guests to normal]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Marius von Fundshauser''': Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you ''mein'' phone number? :'''Grenda''': I don't have a phone! Write it on my face! :'''Mabel''': Whoa! Go, Grenda. :'''Candy''': I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid. :'''Mabel''': What? I call co-bridesmaid. ===''[[w:Not What He Seems|Not What He Seems]]'' [2.11]=== :'''Soos''': ''[pointing at the portal timer]'' It's the final countdown! Just like {{w|Europe (band)|they always}} {{w|The Final Countdown (song)|sung about}}! <hr width=50%> :'''Agent Powers''': Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges? :'''Stan''': Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call? :''[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy. :'''Stan''': ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''Soos!''" :'''Soos''': ''[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker]'' Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation? :'''Stan''': "''Soos, pick up!''" ''[Soos picks up walkie-talkie]'' :'''Soos''': Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food. :'''Stan''': "''Listen, I need something from you.''" ''[at police station]'' You know that vending machine in the gift shop? ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine.''" :''[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]'' :'''Soos''': Time for a repair guy to become a repair man. :'''Drive-Thru Employee''': ''[hands out a kids box]'' Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal? :'''Soos''': Just put one in my mouth. ''[employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it]'' Let's do this. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[drops toxic waste on his foot]'' HOT BELGAN WAFFLES! Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real. ''[inhales]'' SON OF A- :''[Dipper quickly fast-forwards the tape while Mabel covers her ears]'' :'''Dipper''': That's him, alright. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[while Soos is tackling his boss]'' Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order! :'''Soos''': Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids! :'''Stan''': Soos, you idiot, let me go! <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head! :'''Stan''': Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy? :'''Dipper''': He's lying! Shut it down NOW! :'''Stan''': Mabel, please! :'''Computer''': Ten. Nine. :''[Mabel struggles to decide who to listen to]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan... :'''Computer''': Six. Five. :''[she lets go of the button switch and floats up]'' :'''Mabel''': ...I trust you. :'''Dipper''': '''MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!''' :'''Computer''': One. :''[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel disappear in an explosion of white light as each of them screams. Everything floats through the white light for several seconds before it disappears and they all come crashing back down. A mysterious figure comes out of the portal, places his six-fingered hand on the journal, and puts it in his jacket pocket]'' :'''Dipper''': What...? Who is that? :'''Stan''': The author of the journals. ''[The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan]'' My brother. :'''Mabel''': Is this the part where one of us faints? :'''Soos''': Oh, I am so on it, dude. ''[Does so]'' ===''A Tale of Two Stans'' [2.12]=== :'''Ford''': Hehehehe, Wait up! :'''Stan''': Yeah, you should keep up. :'''Ford''': I...I can keep up. ''[Peeks through some boards]'' Whoa. :'''Stan''': Neato. :'''Ford''': Mysterious, boarded-up cave. It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms. Or Mesoamerican gold. :'''Stan''': Uh, ladies first. :''[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]'' :''[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]'' :'''Stan''': Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! ''[Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it]'' Cool. Splinters. :'''Ford''': ''[Shines flashlight into the cave]'' Whoa, it's so creepy in here. :'''Stan''': ''[Comes into the cave]'' Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place. :''[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]'' :'''Stan and Ford''': ''[Walk off, chanting:]'' Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ford''': I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley. :'''Dipper''': Stanley? :'''Mabel''': But... your name is Stanford. :'''Ford''': Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head? :'''Dipper''': Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret? :'''Mabel''': And what happened between you and your brother? :'''Soos''': I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother! :'''Ford''': ''[Punches him in the face]'' :'''Stan''': Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for? :'''Ford''': This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings? :'''Stan''': Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension? :'''Ford''': Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago? :'''Stan''': What I did? Why, you ungrateful... ''[Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him]'' Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. ''[As Ford slams him to the ground]'' Ah! :'''Mabel''': Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?! :'''Ford''': Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher? :'''Soos''': Heh heh. I get that a lot. :'''Stan''': They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids. :'''Ford''': I...have a niece and nephew? ''[Shakes Mabel's hand]'' Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal. :'''Ford''': Heha, I like this kid. She's weird. :'''Dipper''': I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals! :'''Ford''': You've read my journals? :'''Dipper''': I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I ''[Starts breathing heavily]'' OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. ''[Mabel comes over and pats him on the back]'' Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out. <hr width=50%/> :''[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[in a commercial]'' Hi there. I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises. Are you sick of this always happening to you? ''[gets splashed with juice]'' Then you need the shammy of the future. Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon. That's the Sham-Total. It's a total sham. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. Suckers! I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania. :'''Stanley''': ''[in another commercial]'' Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off. The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' It gave you rashes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': ''[voiceover]'' I knew I'd have to record my findings. ''[in flashback, Stanford traces his hand on gold paper and uses it to create Journal 1]'' I began to keep a journal. :'''Dipper''': ''[squeals excitedly]'' '''The journals!''' ''[everyone stares at Dipper]'' Sorry, sorry, just uh... ''[clears throat]'' ...got excited there about the journals. Keep...keep talking. :'''Ford''': I began to keep a journal. ''[Dipper squeals again; clears throat]'' Just going to ignore that… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stanley''': Look, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee. :'''Stanford''': Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore. :'''Stanley''': Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay? :'''Stanford''': I have something to show you. Something you won't believe. :'''Stanley''': Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. ''[standing in the portal room]'' There is nothing about this I understand. :'''Stanford''': It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left, and you are the only person I can trust to take it. ''[gives Stan the journal]'' I have something to ask of you. Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can, to the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it. :'''Stanley''': That's it?! You finally want to see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible? :'''Stanford''': Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against. What I've been through. :'''Stanley''': No, no! You don't understand what ''I've'' been through! I've been to prison in three different countries. I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? ''I've got a mullet, Stanford''! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods. Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself! :'''Stanford''': I'm selfish? ''I'm'' selfish, Stanley?! How can you say that after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen! :'''Stanley''': Well listen to this: You want me to get rid of this book? Fine. I'll get rid of it right now! ''[he pulls out a lighter and brings it to Journal 3]'' :'''Ford''': No! ''[Grabs the journal]'' You don't understand! :'''Stan''': ''[Takes it back]'' You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it! :'''Ford''': My research! ''[Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him]'' Stanley, give it back! ''[Pushes him onto some of the buttons]'' :'''Stan''': You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that! :''[The portal turns on as they struggle over the journal]'' :'''Stan''': You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life! :'''Ford''': You ruined your own life! ''[Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams in pain and falls to the floor]'' Stanley! Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! Are you alr- :''[Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever]'' :'''Stan''': Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE EM! ''[Shoves Ford back into the portal, and he starts getting sucked into it]'' Whoa whoa hey, what's going on? Hey hey, Stanford- :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley, help me! :'''Stan''': Oh no, what do I do?! :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! ''[Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal. A flash of white engulfs everything and fades]'' :'''Stan''': Stanford? ''[Ford's glasses fall onto the floor as he runs to the portal]'' Stanford, come back! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! ''[Pounds on the side of the portal which turns off. He runs to the lever and tries to pull it]'' I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah come on! ''STANFORD!'' ''[Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:]'' I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. ''[Stanley renovates Stanford's house into the Mystery Shack]'' So once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so, the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack. :''[Shows the Murder Hut aka Mystery Shack over the years.]'' :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheap paid off. ''[Stanley grows up.]'' The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery! ''[Stan shows the crowd out and goes behind the vending machine.]'' But by night, I was down in the basement trying to bring the real Stanford back. I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth in sabotoging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids. :'''Dipper''': So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you. :'''Stan''': That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either. ===''Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons'' [2.13]=== :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today! :'''Mabel''': Dogs! Dogs with hats! :'''Dipper''' No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: ''[holding up the boxed game]'' Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me? :'''Mabel''': Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play? :'''Dipper''' The rules are simple. ''[opens game book]'' First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel. :'''Mabel''': And ''then'' we ride unicorns? :'''Dipper''': Yes. And no. First we make a graph. :'''Mabel''': Ugh, this is like Homework: The Game! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and play! <hr width=50%> :''[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]'' :'''Ford''': Ah! My ears. They're so pointy. :'''Dipper''': There better be something protective under this tunic... ''[checks]'' OH NO, THERE ISN'T! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': The Impossibeast?! Hey, I thought they banned this character! :'''Probabilitor''': Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': Dipper, can I tell you something? :''[Dipper nods]'' :'''Ford''': You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, ''[pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone]'' I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: ''[holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it]'' an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand? :'''Dipper''': Oh-uh, of course. :'''Ford''': In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do. :'''Dipper''': Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford. :'''Ford''': Goodnight, Dipper. ===''The Stanchurian Candidate'' [2.14]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[reading from parchment]'' Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly ''kiss'' upon him, anointing him mayor. ''[awkward pause]'' I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. :'''Misha''': No way! You would never ever do that, dude… I mean, Dipper! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview? :'''Stan''': I got my mouth, don't I? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]'' :'''Dipper''': And he's insisting on speaking his mind! ''[Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]'' :'''Ford''': So this ''is'' an emergency. :'''Dipper''': The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure. :'''Ford''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to [[brainwashing|control someone else]]. ''[opens his drawer]'' Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. ''[Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie]'' A long time ago, I designed a prototype for [[Ronald Reagan]]'s masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head. :'''Dipper''': ''[peers inside the tie]'' Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically [[ambiguity|ambiguous]]! :'''Ford''': ''[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper]'' As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to. :'''Dipper''': Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! ''[runs off]'' :'''Ford''': ''[waves, resumes his research]'' Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup? :'''Dipper''': ''[to Mabel]'' Jump in! Jump in! :''[Turns on the switch]'': :'''Stan''': ''[Under Mabel's control]'' Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! ''[Snaps his fingers]'' I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. ''[Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan]'' But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos''': YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shandra''': ''[on TV]'' This just in! Stanford Pines loses! ''[a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]'' :'''Dipper, Mabel, and Stan''': ''[watching]'' WHAT?! :'''Shandra''': Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record. :'''Stan''': Oh boy... :'''Mabel''': Stan, what did you do?! :'''Stan''': What ''didn't'' I do? :'''Shandra''': ''[reading through papers]'' Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...? :'''Stan''': ''[shakes fist]'' That llama knew too much! :'''Shandra''': Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker. :''[Tyler is shown on a podium, with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland giving him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers as a crowd cheers]'' :'''Tyler''': ''[blushing]'' Got it. :'''Shandra''': ''[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from]'' We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking... :''[Before Stan turns off the TV, a list is shown reading: "FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY."]'' :'''Stan''': Whew! At least they didn't list any of the ''bad'' ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast. ===''The Last Mabelcorn'' [2.15]=== :'''Wendy''': Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! ''AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!'' <hr width="50%"/> : '''Shady Gnome''': ''[trades two bags for a jar containing butterflies]'' Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed. :'''Grenda''': ''[checks bags]'' Where do you get this stuff? : '''Shady Gnome''': Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it’s made. :'''Grenda''': ''[takes off shades]'' You disgust me. :'''Shady Gnome''': You've got your poison, I've got mine. We made a deal. :'''Grenda''': Yeah, well, the deal is OFF! :''[Several police officer gnomes spring out, aiming pinecones at the shady gnome]'' :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Freeze! You're under arrest! Get down! Get down! :'''Shady Gnome''': These butterflies aren't mine! I swear! I've been framed! :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge! ''[to Grenda]'' My cut? ''[Grenda gives him one of the bags]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again? :'''Red Unicorn''': That is messed up, man. :'''Mabel''': Wait, "scam"? :'''Red Unicorn''': Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music. ''[horn lights up and plays music]'' :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone. :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Guys, shut up. :'''Mabel''': ''[enraged]'' All this time, all this time I thought I was a bad person, but you're even '''''worse''''' than I am! :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Okay, fine! So you learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off. What are you gonna do about it? Huh, huh? What are you gonna do? :''[Mabel punches her on the nose, making it leak rainbow-colored blood]'' :'''Wendy''': Woo! Go, Mabel! :'''Grenda''': Join the dark side! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?! :'''Bill''': Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart. Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party. Right, guys? :''[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]'' :'''Ford''': No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down! :'''Bill''': A deal's a deal, Sixer. You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try. Cute, even. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': To Bill, it's just a game, but to us it would mean... ''THE END OF OUR WORLD!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel. :'''Mabel''': Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative. :'''Stan ''': ''[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold]'' MONEY! ===''Roadside Attraction'' [2.16]=== :'''Stan''': Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure. :'''Dipper''': Hey, we're both failures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darlene''': You win this round, Stan! But mark my words, as long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan's RV enters Gravity Falls. The kids cheer]'' :'''Dipper''': I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps. :'''Stan''': Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen- SWEET LORD! ''[Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners]'' AH, ''COME ON''! :''[closeup on graffiti: "Stan is a HACK!"; "Stan is a BUTT: Granny Sweetkins says eat it <u>Pines</u>!"; the Upside-Down Town boss rotates the gift shop sign upside-down as payback; the Corn Maze Worker breaks one headlight on Stan's RV with a baseball ball]'' :'''Corn Maze Worker''': That's what you get! That's what you '''get'''! :'''Stan''': I don't understand. I ''completely'' don't deserve this. :'''Dipper''': Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up? :'''Mabel''': Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway? :''[post-credits scene: Soos is still stuck in the Corn Maze]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. ''[pause]'' Don't move. ''[another long pause]'' You know, I would make a really good scarecrow. ===''Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future'' [2.17]=== :''[At the Gravity Falls High School]'' :'''Wendy''': My dawgs! What up? :'''Mabel''': Wendy, what are you doing here? :'''Wendy''': Ugh, high school registration. :'''Mabel''': Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more "rom-com", or "wacky romp"? :'''Wendy''': More like "teen horror movie". High school is the worst. Classes get super-hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you! :'''Thompson''': Can't do it! CAN'T DO ANOTHER YEAR! :'''Robbie''': My hormones are like a SWEATY CAGE! :'''Mabel''': Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of [[w:High School Musical (franchise)|musical]]. :'''Wendy''': TV ''lied'', man! If you can avoid growing up, do it! I'd give anything to be twelve again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hey, everything all right, pumpkin? :'''Mabel''': Just can't believe the summer's almost over. And now that I know how awful high school's going to be, I'm in no hurry to start that train wreck. :'''Stan''': Ah, nobody likes gettin' older. But just because you're growing doesn't mean you have to ''grow up,'' you know? I mean, look at me. I'm pushin' 70 and I ''still'' eat ice cream for dinner! :'''Mabel''': But I don't wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls. :'''Stan''': Hey, at least whatever happens after this summer, you'll still have your brother along with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that, you know? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. ''[holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation]'' Ford's apprentice? Seriously?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me. :'''Mabel''': Well, it's a ''horrible'' opportunity for ''me!'' I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work. :'''Mabel''': I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever. :'''Dipper''': But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends. :''[Mabel glances at Dipper, pushes him away and runs off crying; she unknowingly grabs Dipper's backpack while running out]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back! <hr width="50%"/> :'''"Blendin"''': Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out. It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to! :'''Mabel''': R-really? But how does it work? :'''"Blendin"''': I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. ''[shows the rift]'' Something small; he won't even know it's missing. :'''Mabel''': Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag. :''[Cut to Ford's lab]'' :'''Ford''': Let me guess. Mabel didn't take it well? :'''Dipper''': I don't know, maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I need to think about this. :'''Ford''': Dipper, right now we need to focus on the mission. Now come on, I've got the glue; hand me the rift and let's make history. :''[Dipper reaches into his bag, but he takes out the birthday flyer instead of the rift]'' :'''Dipper''': What? OH, NO! '''''THE RIFT!''''' :''[Cut back outside as Mabel takes out the rift]'' :'''Mabel''': Huh, that's...odd. Is this it? :'''"Blendin"''': Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls? :'''Mabel''': Just a little more summer...''[hands over the rift]'' :'''"Blendin"''': '''''OOPS!''''' ''[drops the rift and smashes it with his boot]'' :'''Mabel''': What?! :''[Blendin cackles, taking off his goggles to show he is possessed by Bill Cipher]'' :'''Mabel''': Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait! :''[Bill snaps his fingers, knocking Mabel out. Cackling, he emerges from Blendin's body]'' :'''Bill''': At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! '''''THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': What's going on? What is that?! :'''Ford''': We're too late. '''It's the end of the world.''' ===''Weirdmageddon Part 1'' [2.18]=== :''[As Bill Cipher towers over Gravity Falls and its citizens]'' :'''Bill''': '''All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets!''' For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill. But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity. :''[he melts the statue of Nathaniel Northwest]'' :'''Bill''': Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends. ''[as various creatures come out of the scar in the sky]'' 8 Ball. Kryptos. The being whose name must never be said. Haha, what the heck? It's Zanthar. Then, of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire and these guys. This is our town now, boys! ''[all his friends start cackling out loud]'' :'''Mayor Tyler''': Now see here, you unholy triangle fella! As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here! :'''Lazy Susan''': Yeah! Things with one eye are weird! :'''Grenda''': We don't like out-of-towners! :'''Manly Dan''': ''[ripping a mailbox in half]'' AND WE PUNCH WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND! :'''Mr. Northwest''': I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your... Horsemen of the Apocalypse? :'''Pacifica''': Dad! :'''Mr. Northwest''': Not now, sweetie. The grownups are talking. :'''Bill''': Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How 'bout instead, I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face? :''[He clicks his fingers, and Mr. Northwest's face is suddenly grotesquely mixed up; he falls to the ground, giving out muffled screams as his family watches in horror; Bill cackles as people flee, and turns Deputy Durland to stone]'' :'''Sheriff Blubs''': Durland! My precious Deputy Durland, no! ''[one of the "Eye-Bats" transports Durland away]'' :'''Bill''': It's time we do a little redecorating! I could really use a ''castle'' of some kind! ''[causes a pyramid to form and float in the sky]'' And how about some bubbles of ''PURE MADNESS?! [summons colourful bubbles; one passes through Sprott, making him scream madly and rip his shirt apart]'' This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, to ''''' WEIRDMAGEDDON!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': So, this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a ''[twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion]'' "boop-boop." <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill! :'''Bill''': Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle: Why did the old man do this? ''[holds his arms at his sides vertically]'' :'''Ford''': ''[copying Bill's pose]'' "This?" ''[Bill suddenly turns him into a gold statue]'' :'''Bill''': Because I needed a new backscratcher. ''[Laughs with the Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Dipper''': That's ''ENOUGH!'' Hand over my uncle! ''[Holds up Journal 3]'' Or else! :'''Bill''': Now isn't...this...'''''INTERESTING?''''' ''[teleports right in front of Dipper]'' My old puppet is back for an encore! ''[dangles the petrified Ford]'' You think ''you'' can stop me? Go ahead, Pinetree, show me what you got! :'''Dipper''': ''[flips through Journal 3]'' I...uh, I...''[sees a blacklight entry on Bill saying "IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM THEN ALL IS LOST!"]'' :'''Bill''': ''[mockingly]'' "I, um, I-" Do it, kid! Do some ''brilliant'' thing that takes me down right now! Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone's waiting! ''DO IT!'' :'''Dipper''': ''BILL-!'' ''[lunges at Bill, who effortlessly blasts him into a tree. The Henchmaniacs jeer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[levitates the Journals]'' That's right. Don't be a hero, kid! ''[shows Ford]'' This'' is what happens to heroes in ''my'' world! ''[Sets the Journals aflame]'' :'''Dipper''': ''NO!'' The Journals! :'''Bill''': Not much of a threat now, are you? <hr width=50%> :''[Observing the weird phenomena all over Gravity Falls]'' :'''Wendy''': End of the world... man, those death metal album covers got it ''shockingly'' right. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill and his friends party in the Fearamid]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' Go nuts, guys! When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2. :''[Pounding is heard]'' :'''Voice''': Open up! This is the police. Time Police! :'''Bill''': Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch. Let me do the talking. :''[The Time Police and Time Baby blast in through the front doors]'' :'''Lolph''': Bill Cipher, you are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer. :'''Blendin''': My body is a temple! How dare you! :'''Time Baby''': Hear this, Cipher. :'''Bill''': Ugh, Time Baby. :'''Time Baby''': If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now, or face my tantrum. :'''Bill''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh no, a tantrum. Whatever will I do about that? '''HOW 'BOUT THIS?!?!''' '''''BOOM!''''' :''[He points at Time Baby and the police, instantly vaporizing them; eye turns into a mouth and blows the smoke off his finger]'' :'''Kryptos''': Ah, snap! He just killed Time Baby! ''[they all start partying again; Blendin hides behind a pole]'' :'''Blendin''': Aw, man! This has gone from bad to worse! I gotta get outta time-dodge! ''[uses his time tape and disappears]'' ===''Weirdmageddon 2: Escape from Reality'' [2.19]=== :'''Bill''': Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces. :'''Creature''': Eighty-''eight'' different faces. :'''Bill''': Whoa-ho, sorry. Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony. Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore... probably. :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[groans, unfreezes]'' Uh, my omelettes. They... have friendly faces. :'''Bill''': Whoops. Hehe, back, back you go there. ''[pats her back, she turns back into stone]'' But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! All right, boys, to the corners of the Earth! Set the world aflame with your weirdness! This dimension is ours! ''[the creatures fly out of the pyramid]'' Ah, global domination. I could get used to- ''[the creatures slam into the forcefield]'' '''WHAT?!''' ''[flies out and touches the forcefield]'' Hmm, this might be more complicated than I thought. :'''Paci-Fire''': I think I broke something. :'''Bill''': '''''WALK IT OFF!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': All right, can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound '''''INFINITE POWER''''', ''[summons a thunderstorm]'' none of us can escape the borders of this '''''STUPID HICK TOWN?!?''''' There's some kind of forcefield keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it? ''[looks at the petrified Ford]'' Hmm... ''[his eye cycles through images of the Journals]'' Maybe ''someone'' needs to come out of retirement. :'''Keyhole''': Bill! Sorry, boss, but Gideon let the Pines family escape! They're inside Mabel's bubble as we speak! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' Buddy, Mabel's bubble is the most diabolical trap I've ever created. It would take a will of ''titanium'' not to give in to its temptation! Fetch me Gideon and take the rest of the day off. ''[looks at Mabel's bubble in the distance]'' Things just got a little more interesting... <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': ''[pants]'' Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real ''world''! :''[many people and Mabel gasp out of earshot; Waffle Guards tackle Dipper down on the ground]'' :'''Dipper''': Hey! :'''Waffle Guard''': Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. ''[people mutter indistinctly]'' Prepare to be banished from this land forever! ''[open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You're smarter than this! Bill has you hypnotized or something! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?! :'''Mabel''': No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way. :'''Waffle Guard''': Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. ''[is bitten]'' Hey! Seriously?! :'''Soos''': ''[pointing to a stuffed rhino]'' It was him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever! :'''Dippy Fresh''': Hey, take a chill pill. Those grow on trees here. :'''Dipper''': You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh! :'''Soos''': Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Look, real life stinks sometimes, okay, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I thought ''you'' were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear, because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've travelled to Heck and back to get you, and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together. :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': ORDER! ORDER! ''[Bangs mallet]'' ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT, why is this hammer squeaky?! :'''Mabel''': You mean it? You're really coming home with me? :'''Dipper''': Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Awkward sibling hug? :''[Crowd shrieks]'' :'''Blue Bird''': Just don't do it! :'''Craz''': DON'T DO IT! :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': You do this and it's all over! :'''Mabel''': ''Sincere'' sibling hug. ''[Hugs Dipper]'' :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': DON'T DO THE PATS! :'''Dipper and Mabel''': ''[Pat each other]'' Pat pat. ''[A ripple comes from their spot, blowing Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein's wig away and one of the benches falls over. All of the jurors disappear]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[Rubs eyes]'' Aw, man, I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week? <hr width=50%> :''[Xyler and Craz emerge from a pile of confetti]'' :'''Xyler''': Whoa! We survived! ''[they stand up, Craz spits confetti]'' :'''Craz''': But where are we? ''[they walk to a bench and sit down]'' :'''Xyler''': Are we real? Is this reality? ''[they observe Gravity Falls in its chaos and destruction]'' [[Cats]] postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance. :'''Craz''': Totally righteous, bro. :'''Xyler''': I know. ===''Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back The Falls'' [2.20]=== :'''Larry King's Head''': Hey, is anyone gon' feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head needs num-nums. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes. :'''Jeff the Gnome''': Hey! I'm short, not deaf! :'''Stan''': Shh. Stress will make you chewy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ford''': Quit the games, Cipher! If I'm still alive, you must want something from me. :'''Bill''': Ah, sharp as ever, Fordsy. As you may have noticed, I've recently had a ''multidimensional makeover. I control space, matter, and now that that dumb baby's out of the way, time itself. But I wasn't always this way. You think those chains are tight? Imagine living in the Second Dimension: [[w:Flatland|flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams.]] I liberated my dimension, Stanford, and I'm here to liberate yours. There's just one hitch. As it turns out, my weirdness can't escape the magical confines of this town. There's something keeping me in. :'''Ford''': Incredible! Gravity Falls' Natural Law of Weirdness Magnetism - I studied this years ago! :'''Bill''': And did you find a way to undo it? :'''Ford''': Of course. There's a simple equation that could collapse the barrier. But I'd never tell you! :'''Bill''': Listen, Ford - if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free. Anything will be possible! I'll remake a fun world, a better world! A party that never ends with a host that never dies! No more restrictions! No more laws! You'd be one of us. All-powerful! Greater than anything you've imagined! And all I need is your help. :'''Ford''': You're insane if you think I'll help you! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' I'm insane either way, brainiac! But have it your way! I'll just fish around and get that equation ''directly out of your mind! [prepares to enter Ford's mind]'' :'''Ford''': Not so fast! You know the rules, Bill. ''[Bill returns to physical form]'' You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and let you in! :'''Bill''': ''[sighs, chains Ford up]'' You're making this so much harder than it needs to be. Everyone has a weakness, tough guy! I'll make you talk. It's only a matter of time! ''[Ford screams]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Soos''': Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords. :'''McGucket''': What's an anime? :'''Soos''': We have much to discuss. :'''Stan''': Discuss nothing. These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash. Excuse my French. :'''French Lilliputian''': Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir. ''[Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The Gravity Falls rebels confront Bill's gang in the "Shacktron"]'' :'''Soos''': ''[through a microphone]'' Uh, hey, dudes. Is this thing on? Test. ''[feedback screeches]'' Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. ''[pointing at Paci-Fire]'' Hey, you're a little cutie. :'''Paci-Fire''': I have butchered millions on countless moons. :'''Soos''': Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy. <hr width-"50%> :''[After the "Shacktron" defeats Bill's Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Bill''': Guys, seriously? You had, like, ''one'' job to do here. :'''Ford''': Bravo, Dipper and Mabel! :'''Bill''': ...Well, would you look at that! Those kids really care about you. And you care about them. '''''DON'T YOU?''''' :'''Ford''': What are you-? Oh. Oh, no! :'''Bill''': Perhaps torturing those kids'll make you talk. <hr width="50%"> :''[Grenda rips out Bill's eye with the Shacktron]'' :'''Bill''': ARGH! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Last chance: tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids! :'''Dipper''': No! Don't do it! :'''Mabel''': Yeah, Bill makes bad deals! :'''Bill''': Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! ''[his eye shows an image of a galaxy]'' I SEE EVERYTHI- ''[Mabel sprays it with paint]'' OW! Not again! Why?! ''Every'' time! :'''Stan''': Nice shot, pumpkin! :'''Bill''': I just regenerated that eye! :'''Mabel''': I ''know'' that hurts, because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': You two wait here! I've got some children I need to make into corpses! ''[morphs into a huge, red, multi-armed form]'' '''SEE YA REAL SOON!''' :'''Stan''': No! Wait! No! No! Oh, what do we do? What do we do?! :'''Ford''': ''[frantically bangs on cage bars]'' Kids! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna '''DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES! YOU'VE TRICKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup. :'''Ford''': ''[sighs]'' Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. ''[drinks from "water" flask and shares it with Stan]'' :'''Stan''': How did things get so messed up between us? :'''Ford''': We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it? :'''Stan''': Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. ''[Ford stands up]'' Whoa, where are you going? :'''Ford''': I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free. :'''Stan''': What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?! :'''Ford''': Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind. :'''Stan''': What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything. :'''Ford''': ''[chuckles]'' There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids. :'''Stan''': Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal? :'''Ford''': What other choice do we have? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! EENY... MEENY... MINEY...'''YOU!''' :'''Stan''': ''[wearing Ford’s clothes and imitating Ford’s voice]'' Wait! I surrender. :'''Bill''': Good choice. :'''Ford''': ''[wearing Stan’s clothes and imitating Stan’s voice]'' Don’t do it Ford! It’ll destroy the universe! :'''Stan''': It’s the only way! :'''Bill''': HAHAHAHA! Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along. ''[drops the cage and ties up Ford]'' :'''Stan''': My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go! :'''Bill''': Fine! :'''Dipper''': No! Grunkle Ford! Don’t trust him! :'''Bill''': It's a...DEAL! ''[Holds Stan's right hand, then enters the mental realm, petrifying his physical form and enters Stan’s mind]'' :'''Bill''': Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi- ''[opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]'' :'''Stan''': ''[Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]'' :'''Bill''': '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Stan''': Heh-heh, do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart. Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it. :''[Outside of Stan's mind, Ford pulls out the memory gun and aims it at Stan]'' :'''Bill''': What?! The deal's off! What the-?! No, no, no, NO! :'''Stan''': Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh? :'''Bill''': Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?! :'''Stan''': Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway. :'''Bill''': Let me outta here! Let me OUT! Why isn't this working?! :'''Stan''': Hey, look at me. Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon. You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family. :'''Bill''': ''You're'' making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! '''''PLEASE!''''' No...! '''WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!''' ''[begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words that, when played in reverse, are revealed to be:]'' '''A-X-O-L-O-T-L! MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN!''' '''''STANLEY!''''' ''[Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]'' :'''Stan''': Heh. Guess I was good for something after all. <hr width="50%"> :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. It's not on any maps and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods, waiting. ==Cast== *[[w:Jason Ritter|Jason Ritter]] – Dipper Pines *[[w:Kristen Schaal|Kristen Schaal]] – Mabel Pines *[[w:Alex Hirsch|Alex Hirsch]] – Grunkle Stan/Soos/Old Man McGucket/Bill Cipher *[[w:Linda Cardellini|Linda Cardellini]] – Wendy Corduroy *[[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Ford Pines (season 2) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Disney Channel shows]] [[Category:Disney XD shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about twins]] [[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]] 4jafpqb8dpn6k93mrakfmgb7dvxjyv0 3955238 3955236 2026-06-22T06:49:37Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Dreamscaperers [1.19] */ 3955238 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Gravity Falls|Gravity Falls]]''''' (2012–2016) is an American animated television series which premiered on the [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] in 2012. ==Season 1== ===''Tourist Trapped'' [1.01]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[first lines, open narration]'' Ahh. Summer break. :'''Hank''': ''[cooking burgers on a grill]'' So you want cheese on that, hon? :'''Hank’s Wife''': Sure, Hank. :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy, unless you’re me. :''[Dipper and Mabel scream as they drive the golf cart away from a monster.]'' :'''Mabel''': It’s getting closer! :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. :''[The monster throws a fallen tree in their path.]'' :'''Mabel''': Look out! :''[Dipper and Mabel scream until the screen freezes.]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[narration]'' Rest assured, there’s a perfectly logical explanation. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' He's looking at it, he's looking at it. :'''A boy''': ''[reading from a letter]'' Do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely? :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' I rigged it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me. ''[turns cheek to reveal a big red mark]'' :'''Dipper''': Ah! :'''Mabel''': Heh heh, gullible. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. ''[in a flashback, Mabel gets her face sucked into a leaf blower whilst trying to perform "kissing practice" on a picture of Norman]'' Turn it off, turn it off! That was fun. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face. :'''Crowd member''': Does it look like a rock? :'''Grunkle Stan''': No, it looks like a face. :'''Another crowd member''': Is it a face? :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's a rock that ''looks'' like a face. :'''Dipper''': Over here! Grunkle Stan? :'''Grunkle Stan''': For the fifth time, it's not an actual face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, hey! Let go of my sister! :'''Jeff''': Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just [[w:Polyandry|marrying all 1,000 of us]] and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey? :'''Mabel''': You guys are butt-faces! ===''The Legend of the Gobblewonker'' [1.02]=== :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's Family Fun Day, genius! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals. :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our ''last'' family bonding day? :''[Flashback to Mabel, Dipper, and Grunkle Stan [[w:Counterfeit money|making fake money]]]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman. ''[Sirens in distance]'' Uh-oh. :''[Back to present]'' :'''Mabel''': The county jail was so cold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car? :'''Dipper and Mabel''': YAY! :'''Dipper''': Wait, what? :''[Later, while Stan is driving recklessly:]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, are ''you'' wearing a blindfold? :'''Grunkle Stan''': Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? ''[drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]'' :'''Dipper and Mabel''': AAH! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden? :'''Grunkle Stan''': C'mon this is gonna be great. I've never had fishin' buddies before. The guys at the lodge won't go with me. They don't "like or trust" me. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]'' :'''Beaver 1''': ''[subtitled]'' I love cavorting! :'''Beaver 2''': ''[subtitled]'' That deserves a hug! ''[The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides off]'' :'''Dipper''': But, what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise. :''[Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]'' :'''Soos''': Sweet. Beaver with a chainsaw. :'''Dipper''': Maybe that old guy was crazy after all. :'''Mabel''': He did use the word "scrabdoodle". <hr width="50%"> :''[A man and woman float along the lake in their boat.]'' :'''Reginald''': Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you. :'''Rosanna''': Oh, Reginald. :''[Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin' better. Her aim is gettin' better. Ya see, it's funny, because marriage is terrible. ''[the couple row away from him]'' What? <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Grr....Gaa! Molly-coddling! :''[Stan is trying to untie a wad of fishing line, alone in his boat, and overhears a nearby family while they are fishing.]'' :'''Boy''': Can you please tell me more funny stories Pop-Pop? :'''Pop-Pop''': Anything for my fishin' buddies! ''[laughs]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': Arghhh! :'''Boy''': Pop-Pop I just wealized that...I wuv you! :'''Grunkle Stan''': Ahhhh! C'MON! Boo! BOO! <hr width="50%"> :''[During the ending credits]'' :''[Mabel has her hand on the lower bill of a pelican using it like a puppet to tell a joke]'' :'''Pelican Mabel''': ''[Deep raspy voice]'' Who wants to hear a joke? :'''Dipper''': Not me :'''Pelican Mabel''': Heh-Ha! Yeah ya do. Here it goes. Why did the Pel-ican get kicked out of the res-taurant? :'''Dipper''': I DON'T CARE! :'''Pelican Mabel''': Cuz he had a very BIG BILL. La-la-la-la Yuk-yuk-yuk! :'''Dipper''': Oh boo. Bad Joke. Bad Pelican Joke. :'''Pelican Mabel''': Blah-Blah-Blah! ===''Headhunters'' [1.03]=== :'''Mabel and Biker''': Three, four, five, six. :'''Mabel''': Your wife is going to be beautiful. :'''Biker''': Yes. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, we've got a big break in the case. :'''Biker''': But will she love me? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': But enough about me. Behold, me! ''[reveals wax figure of himself]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[flashback to the haunted garage sale]'' :'''Seller''': I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price. :'''Stan''': ''[looks at price tag]'' Twenty dollars? I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'. :'''Seller''': What? :'''Stan''': I said I was gonna rob ya. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute! What has holes in its shoes and no fingerprints? Mabel! The murderers are... :'''Wax [[Sherlock Holmes]]'' Standing right behind you? <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper fights against Wax Sherlock Holmes atop the Mystery Shack]'' :'''Wax Holmes''': You really think you can outwit me, boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you ''seen'' my magnifying glass? It's enormous! ===''The Hand That Rocks the Mabel'' [1.04]=== :'''Stan''': For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible ''Sack of Mystery''. When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears. :'''Various tourists''': ''[putting money in the bag]'' Oh, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Wow, what a nice man. That was totally worth the drive. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel surprises Dipper with her new makeover and manicured fingernails]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, Dipper. What's going on? ''[Dipper swats her hands away and gets up]'' :'''Dipper''': Whoa, where have you been? And what's going on with those fingernails? You look like a... {{w|wolverine}}. :'''Mabel''': I know, right? Rawr. I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head. :'''Mabel''': Oh, leave him alone. You never wanna do girly stuff with me. You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time. :'''Dipper''': What do you mean? :'''Soos''': Hey, dude. You ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave, one by one? :'''Dipper''': Am I? :''[They both run off and turn on the microwave offscreen, laughing at the popping sounds]'' :'''Soos''': ''[guffawing]'' Oh, dude! :'''Dipper''': One at a time! One at a time! <hr width="50%"> :''[At the gift shop, Stan shows Soos, Wendy and Dipper a newspaper article showing a picture of Gideon and Mabel together]'' :'''Stan''': Hey, hey! What the {{w|Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde|Jekyll}} is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon? :'''Wendy''': ''[browses her cellphone]'' Oh yeah, it's like a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight. :'''Stan''': WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great-niece?! :'''Soos''': I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mab-ideon? Gide-Abel? ''[Gasps]'' Ma-gid-bel-eon! :'''Dipper''': I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to! :'''Stan''': ''[walking out the door]'' Yeah, well it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house; this is gonna stop right now! ''[Slams the door]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Stan goes to Gideon's house to confront him. However, Gideon's father Bud answers the door.]'' :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, well, Stanford Pines. What brings you here? :'''Stan''': Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon. :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee. :'''Stan''': I don't think- :'''Bud Gleeful''': Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Colombia. :'''Stan''': Wow. I went to jail there once. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper sees a nervous Mabel pacing around the living room]'' :'''Dipper''': What in the heck happened on that date? :'''Mabel''': I don't know! I was in the friend zone—and then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, come on. It's not like you're gonna have to marry Gideon. :'''Stan''': Great news, Mabel. You have to marry Gideon. :'''Mabel''': ''WHAT?!'' :'''Stan''': It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful. There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt. ''[Looks down]'' Ugh, I am fat. :''[Mabel runs out screaming]'' :'''Stan''': Bodies change, honey! Bodies change. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[on Mabel]'' She's never gonna date you, man! :'''Gideon''': That's a lie! And I'm gonna make sure you never lie to me again, friend. ''[Levitates the scissors out from a box to kill Dipper]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel destroys Gideon's amulet]'' :'''Gideon''': My powers! Oh, this isn't over. This isn't the last you'll see of wittle... ''ol' me.'' ===''The Inconveniencing'' [1.05]=== :'''Dipper''': Mabel, do you believe in ghosts? :'''Mabel''' I believe you're a big dork! Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': And Robbie. You can probably figure him out. :'''Robbie''': Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower. :'''Dipper''': Oh, you mean The Big Muffin. :'''Robbie''': Uh, it's a giant explosion. :'''Lee''': It kinda does look like a muffin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Come on, Dipper. :'''Dipper''': ''[climbing over the fence]'' Okay, okay, just gotta get a foothold. :'''Robbie''': Dude, your sister did it. :'''Mabel''': ''[running on the ground sideways in a circle]'' Woop woop woop woop woop woop. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': ''[to Dipper]'' ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip. :'''Mabel''': ''[feeling sick]'' Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think? :''[Mabel hallucinates into a rainbow colored candy world with the Smile Dip mascots]'' :'''Flavor Pup #1''': Elknurg tsurt t'nod! ''['Don't trust Grunkle' backwards]'' :'''Flavor Pup #2''': Would you like to eat my candy paws? :'''Mabel''': Of course, you little angel. ''[starts chewing on the paw. Cut to real life; Mabel is chewing on air.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something. :'''Mabel''': ''[makes a gurgling sound]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel? :''[zoom in on Mabel's face, fade to her hallucination: she's flying with crazy pop music from before playing]'' :'''Mabel''': The future is in the past. Onwards Aoshima! :'''Aoshima''': ''[moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fists open and spit out rainbows]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, How many of these did you eat?! :'''Mabel''': Eleven...teen. :'''Dipper''': Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cereal box Toucan''': I'm bonkers for eating you alive. :'''Lee''': No! ''[Screams as a stabbing sound is heard]'' :'''Nate''': Lee! Okay, okay... I'm with you kid! 100%, man! :'''Pa''': [possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice]'' Welcome. :'''Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy''': ''[Scream]'' :'''Dipper''': They got Mabel! :'''Pa''': Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. ''[Kicks legs and laughs]'' :'''Wendy''': We're super sorry for hanging out in your store! :'''Dipper''': Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever? :'''Pa''': Well... okay. You're free to go. ''[Opens doors]'' But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs. :'''Nate and Robbie''': ''[Scream and run for the door]'' :'''Pa''': ''[Closes doors]'' Just kidding about the hot dog sale. :'''Nate''': Just let us out of here already! :'''Pa''': I don't like your tone. ''[Dissolves Nate]'' :'''Nate''': ''[Reappears as a hot dog on the stove]'' No! '''I'M A HOT DOG!''' :'''Pa''': It begins. ''[Makes everything float to the ceiling]'' Welcome to your home for all eternity! :'''Wendy''': Dipper, what do we do?! :'''Dipper''': DUCK! ''[Dipper and Wendy duck to avoid a flying shelf]'' :'''Wendy''': ''[Points]'' Quick! In there! ''[Dipper and Wendy Run to a tipped over ice machine and hide inside and pant]'' :'''Wendy''': What do they want from us?! :'''Dipper''': Revenge, I guess? :'''Wendy''': What did we do wrong? :'''Dipper''': Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn't make any sense! :'''Wendy''': Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things. :'''Dipper''': Wendy, say that last part again. :'''Wendy''': Normal teenage things? :'''Dipper''': Of course! Stay here until I get back! ''[crawls out of the freezer]'' :'''Wendy''': Dude, what are you doing?! :'''Dipper''': Hey ghost! :'''Pa''': ''[twists Mabel's head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him]'' :'''Dipper''': I've got something to tell you! I'm not a teenager! :'''Pa''': ''[drops everything that's floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma]'' Hohoho! Well why didn't you say so? ''[drops Mabel into a pile of candy]'' :'''Mabel''': WAAH! ''[Lands in the candy and rubs her head]'' Ohhh... :'''Ma''': Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store. :'''Pa''': Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants. So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music. :'''Ma''': The lyrics were so hateful. :'''Rapper''': Homework's whack, and so are rules. Tucking in your shirt's for fools. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV Announcer''': You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel. :'''Grunkle Stan''': Kids, I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up. :'''TV Announcer''': Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire. :'''Grunkle Stan''': KIDS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ugghh... I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again. :'''Dipper''': Hey, there's still some left. :'''Mabel''': Evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Well, I'm probably scarred for life. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, that was pretty crazy. :'''Wendy''': I think I'll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay? :'''Dipper''': Next time? Yah! Let's, let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah... ''[gets in the car, to himself]'' Next time... ''[gets in the car and sits next to Mabel]'' :'''Mabel''': OHHHHH... ''[sees the thing she wrote earlier]'' What kind of sick joke is this? ===''Dipper vs. Manliness'' [1.06]=== :'''Testosteraur''': Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH?! I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs, and '''FISTS FOR NIPPLES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington. :'''Dipper''': I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said. :'''Stan''': Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's ''incident.'' :''[Flashback: Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone]'' :'''Dipper''': [[w:Dancing Queen|Disco girl]]...comin' through...that girl is you! ''[Stan opens the bathroom door]'' DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN! :''[End flashback]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[grinning]'' You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation [[w:ABBA|BABBA]]? :'''Dipper''': No, I wasn't- It's not important. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery! :'''Deputy Derland''': Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles? :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Quit readin' my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[serving Stan and Mabel]'' Food! :'''Stan''': Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow. :'''Lazy Susan''': Ha! Silly.. silly man... :'''Mabel''': What was that about? :'''Stan''': Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of- :'''Stan''': Love? :'''Mabel''': Mabel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper confronts the Multibear.]'' :'''Multibear''': Child, why have you come here? :'''Dipper''': Multibear, I seek your head. Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads? ===''Double Dipper'' [1.07]=== :''[All the clones are fighting]'' :'''#10''': Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away! :'''Dipper''': No friends, it's me, #7. :''[They All Look at #7]'' :'''#7''': That's not me guys! THAT'S NOT ME! ===''Irrational Treasure'' [1.08]=== :''[Dipper and Mabel go off to enjoy Pioneer Day]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you coming? :'''Stan''': No thank you. Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me. :'''Dipper''': ''[In an old-timey accent]'' There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar. :'''Mabel''': ''[Likewise]'' Well, hornswaggle my haversack. :''[They spit on the ground and runoff, laughing]'' :'''Stan''': DEAD TO ME! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan attempts to drive away, but his car is stuck in the mud. He calls out to a man who is walking with a donkey.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya? :'''Man''': Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box? :'''Stan''': C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack! :'''Man''': "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression! :'''Stan''': I can't take it anymore. ''[grabbing the man by the collar]'' I'm getting dumber every second I'm here! :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland run over, batons drawn]'' :'''Blubs''': Are we gonna have to intervene here? :'''Stan''': Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" ''[laughs]'' :''[Cut to Stan being locked in the stocks]'' :'''Stan''': Oh, come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have to '''break in.''' :''[Spy music plays; cut to the twins just entering the museum normally]'' :'''Museum Lady''': And here are your balloons; blue and pink! :''[Spy music plays again]'' :'''Dipper''': '''We're in.''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Man on Film''': If you're watching this, you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot once the filming is complete. ''[Someone speaks offscreen.]'' What? No? Ha! Well, that's a relief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland are chasing Dipper Mabel and Quentin Trembley across the top of a train after the three escaped from a crate]'' :'''Blubs''': There is .... No escape! ''[out of breath]'' I gotta take a knee. :'''Durland''': Are you ok? Can I get you anything? :'''Blubs''': Edward Durland you are a diamond in the rough. :'''Dipper''': Sheriff Blubs do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere? :'''Blubs''': I got no choice. Our orders come from the very top. :'''Dipper''': Wait. Quentin did you ever sign an official resignation? :'''Quentin Trembley''': No sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembley''': You've done a great service to your country Mabel. As thanks I'd like to make you an official US congressman. :''[Trembley pulls out a top hat and places it on Mabel's head]'' :'''Mabel''': I'm legalizing EVERYTHING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': ...And then he chased me around with a paddle for like, three hours. Bottom line: George Washington was a jerk. :'''Mabel''': Agreed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Qeuntin Trembley''': Children I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I will always be right here...''[Shows Dipper some paper money]'' On the negative twelve dollar bill. :'''Dipper''': Whoa! This is worthless! :'''Quentin Trembley''': It's LESS than worthless my boy! TREMBLEY AWAY! :''[Trembley gets on a horse backwards and rides off]'' :'''Mabel''': Where do you think he's going? :'''Dipper''': I'm gonna say.... Off a cliff. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court, I urge you to reconsider your decision. :''[Several babies in top hats and fake mustaches coo in response.]'' :'''Quentin Trembly''': Very well. But who would you have replace me? :'''Baby''': Mama. :'''Quentin Trembly''': That old crone? ===''The Time Traveller's Pig'' [1.09]=== :'''Mabel''': He is such a jerk. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs. :'''Mabel''': Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the- OH MY GOSH, A PIG! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated. :'''Wendy''': Dude. You lost me. :'''Dipper''': ''[sighs]'' I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blendin Blandin is blamed for Dipper and Mabel's interference with time]'' :'''Dundgren''': You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct. :'''Blendin''': It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles! :'''Lolph''': That's a ''pig'', Blendin. :'''Blendin''': ''[to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away]'' I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet! :''[After a moment's pause]'' :'''Dipper''': Well, we're still here. :'''Mabel''': Guess he forgot to go back. ===''Fight Fighters'' [1.10]=== :'''Mabel''': Ugh, poor Dipper. Hiding from Robbie, unable to face his fears. :'''Stan''': Fears are for chumps. That's why I don't have any. ''[tries to reach an item on a shelf]'' :'''Mabel''': You want me to go get a ladder? :'''Stan''': We don't have one. :'''Mabel''': What? :'''Stan''' You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns, in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, why you actin' so cray-cray? :'''Stan''': ''YOU'RE'' the one who's "actin' cray-cray". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union! :'''Dipper''': Uh, that's gonna be tough...[[w:Dissolution of the Soviet Union|for a number of reasons]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teenager''': ''[is handed keys to a new car]'' I love you, Dad. :''[Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]'' :'''Teenager''': Oh. My. Car, :'''Father''': We'll just buy another one. :'''Teenager''': I love being rich. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': You can hide, but you cannot hide! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We need to just learn to hate each other in silence. :'''Robbie''': You mean, like what girls do? ===''Little Dipper'' [1.11]=== :'''Gideon''': Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen. :'''Mabel''': NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- Gummy Koalas! ''[is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': ''[on the phone to Stan]'' Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them. ''[pause]'' This is Gideon, by the way. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs]'' Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago. :'''Gideon''': I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo! :'''Stan''': "''Text'' me a ''photo''"? Now you're not even speaking English! :'''Gideon''': But- :''[Stan hangs up]'' ===''Summerween'' [1.12]=== :''[After Gorney re-emerges from the Summerween Trickster]'' :'''Soos''': 'Sup, Gorney? :'''Gorney''': I've been twamatized. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soos''': What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus. Heh-heh, that's a funny word. "Ruckus". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I'm so excited. :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy. :'''Mabel''': And have the biggest stomach aches ever :'''Dipper''': Yeah <hr width="50%"/> :''[everyone is watching TV, eating the candies. Grunkle Stan tells everyone the meaning of Summerween]'' :'''Stan''': You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters... '''PURE ''EVIL''. :''[everyone laughs heartily and then]'' :'''Soos''': I ate a man alive tonight. ===''Boss Mabel'' [1.13]=== :''[Stan, Mabel and Dipper are watching a game show called CASH WHEEL]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen we now return to CASH WHEEL. Sponsored by CHIPACKERZ: The chip flavored crackers. :'''Mabel''': They taste just like chips. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan is leading a group of tourists thru The Mystery Shack]'' :'''Stan''': Ladies and Gentletourists, looking around my Mystery Shack, you'll see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be AMAZED - at the only known photo of a horse.. riding another horse. That's- that's pretty good. :''[the tourists utter OOH and WOW]'' :'''Stan''': Be astounded by the horrible, pre-teen Wolf Boy. :''[Stan draws a curtain revealing Dipper shirtless with fake wolf ears, fangs and fur pants]'' :'''Stan''': Oh look at him. All that hair. His body is changing... Ah! :''[Dipper spits out his fake wolf teeth]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning. :'''Stan''': What? I don't know 'Da Meaning' of that word. :''[The tourists laugh]'' :'''Stan''': If you throw money at him he dances. :''[The tourists throw money at Dipper as he whimpers, jumps around and gets pelted by coins]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are. :''[Mabel takes out a bag of stickers and puts two on Stan's face that say "Please" and "Thank you"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Oh! Who's that? Is it Questiony The Question Mark? :'''Soos''': Uhhh...I'm starting to have second thoughts about this Mabel. I keep forgetting my lines...And this costume is more uhhh...revealing than I expected. :'''Mabel''': Soos, don't give up. ''[ Mabel flips through an 80's book called "Succeeding In Management"]'' Anything is possible when you...''imaginize'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."]'' I'm giving none of this to charity. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack]'' This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes. Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby! :''[Shows Soos wearing the "Questiony the Question Mark" costume, in a pen labeled "?uestion Baby"]'' :'''Soos''': Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions. :''[Tour group gasps]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance. :'''Mabel''' ''[offscreen]'' Do the kicks. ===''Bottomless Pit!'' [1.14]=== :''[Old Man McGucket takes Dipper to his makeshift laboratory in the junkyard]'' :'''McGucket''': Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account of my '''''HORRIFYIN' VOICE!''''' :''[scene cuts to a round-shaped boy wearing a propeller hat with a scooter crying and running away from McGucket]'' :'''McGucket''': You can run, but I'll still be in your '''NIGHTMARES'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[still falling in the Bottomless Pit]'' Dipper's pain is funny. But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story. :'''Soos''': Really? Okay. This story is called, "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story." Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grunkle Stan is wearing the Truth Telling Teeth, a set of golden dentures that force the wearer to tell the truth]'' :'''Mystery Shack Customer''': Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size? :'''Stan''': Never mind the T-shirt! '''Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!''' :'''Mabel''': ''[leading the customer away]'' I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. :''[Cut to Stan writing in his office]'' :'''Stan''': D-doing my taxes! :'''Dipper''': ''[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink]'' Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this? :'''Stan''': Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud. :'''Dipper''': Might wanna tuck that one away, there. ''[drops the form into a shredder]'' :''[Cut to Stan, Mabel, and Dipper watching TV]'' :'''Circus Performer on TV''': ''[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles]'' Do-do-do. Oh no! ''[Dipper and Mabel laugh]'' :'''Stan''': Sometimes I think: [[Meaning of life|is this all there is?]] Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]'' :'''Stan''': Where... where are we? :'''Mabel''': ''[gasps]'' Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top! :'''Dipper''': ''[checks his watch]'' And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of {{w|wormhole}}. :'''Soos''': Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true. :'''Stan''': But that's impossible! No one will believe us. ''[leans on the pit's sign]'' :'''Mabel''': Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves. :'''All''': Agreed. :''[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[smiling]'' He'll be fine. :''[During the credits, Stan is falling through the Pit again]'' :'''Stan''': ''[sighs, long pause]'' This is stupid. ===''The Deep End'' [1.15]=== :'''Toby Determined''': On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool! :'''Mabel''': Gravity Falls pool? :'''Dipper''': Today? :'''Soos''': Pun intended? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ah, the pool. Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment. :'''Stan''': Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet. :'''Dipper''': ''[looking at a towel]'' Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses? :'''Soos''': It's best not to think about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard? :'''Wendy''': I ''am'' the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka. Boosh. ''[throws more balloons]'' :'''Stan''': ''[fleeing]'' AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER! :''[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]'' :'''Dipper''': Wow, you work here? :'''Wendy''': I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, you do! ''[laughs for a moment, then whispers to himself]'' I've been laughing for too long. :'''Soos''': Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning. :'''Dipper''': Soos, shhh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': Hola. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, are you from Australia? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': How long ya in for? :'''Stan''': Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent. :'''Kid 2''': Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary. :'''Solitary confinement kid''': It's the nights that are the hardest. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Hey, I brought you a sandwich. It's kind of wet, but it's still good. I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... ''[whispers]'' share your secret, beautiful stranger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair. :'''Soos''': The legends you told me in the car were true. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I should've known from your strange foreign fish language. :'''Mermando''': It is Spanish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Yes, yes... burn the child. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': Deal with it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]'' :'''Wendy''': Soos. :'''Soos''': Inflatable duck guy? Is that you? :'''Wendy''': Yes, Soos. :'''Soos''': I knew you guys were secretly alive. I knew it. :'''Wendy''': My people have been enslaved, Soos. You must free us. :'''Soos''': The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]'' :'''Mermando''': What are you doing with your mouth. :'''Mabel''': Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour. :'''Mermando''': Can I have some candy? :'''Mabel''': No. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': I have never met anyone like you. :'''Mabel''': Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires. :'''Dipper''': I don't remember the vampires. :'''Mabel''': I don't tell you everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel? Is ''everyone'' here tonight?! What, is Soos here too? :'''Soos''': ''[Falls off of the fence in the background.]'' I'm okay. :'''Dipper''': Go home, Soos. :'''Soos''': You got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs. :'''Mermando''': Intriguing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever. :'''Mabel''': Okay, I understand. Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini! :'''Dipper''': Really? At night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens... This was a good plan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR! :'''Dipper''': Mermen don't breathe air! :'''Mabel''': Then give him reverse CPR, doi! :'''Dipper''': ''[Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's]'' I hate this, I hate this. :'''Mabel''': ''[Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together]'' Haha, blackmail. :''[Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]'' :'''Mermando''': Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake? :''[Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]'' :'''Dipper''': Agh! ===''Carpet Diem'' [1.16]=== :'''Dipper''': Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever. :''[Dipper hits the golf ball, causing it to break some things, and it ends up crashing through a window.]'' :'''Stan''': AH, MY HEAD! IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight? :'''Soos''': Sure, dude. ''[Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.]'' You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. ''[Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.]'' Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wai. Actually felt kind of good that time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. ''[Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.]'' Ah, get off! Get away! ''[Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.]'' This is still better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Candy falls down now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Get ready to be poked by the fun stick. Boop. :'''Dipper''': Ow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.]'' Fight, fight, fight! :'''Announcer''': Baby fights! Will return in a minute. :'''Stan''': TV. It knows what I want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Man, that's refreshing. Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. ''[In high-pitched voice]'' Thank you, Stan''[Normal]'' Ten more for politeness. Oh, and so sweet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face. :'''Stan''': I have seen the face of beauty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[In Mabel's body]'' Braces are horrible. It's like my mouth hates me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': ''[In Dipper's body]'' Hey, Grunkle Stan. Your face looks like a butt. :'''Stan''': What?! :'''Mabel''': Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan discovers Mabel in Dipper's body watching Dipper in her body hanging out with her friends]'' :'''Stan''': What's goin' on, Dipper? Ah, you're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh? Guess it's time you and me had a man-to-man talk - about [[w:Birds and the bees|the birds and the bees]], you know? :''[Cut to Stan opening a book called "Why Am I Sweaty?"]'' :'''Mabel''': I—I should really be going- :'''Stan''': No way out of it. Look, it all begins with this little fella, the [[w:Pituitary gland|pituitary gland]]. He may be little, but he has [[w:Puberty|BIG PLANS]]. :'''Mabel''': [screams] :'''Stan''': ''[later; closing the book]'' And now you know [[w:Sexual intercourse|where babies come from]]. :'''Mabel''': Goodbye, childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': 3, 4, 5. ''[Phone rings.]'' It's him, my dream date. Hello? :'''Robot Voice''': Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2. :'''Candy''': Kevin has the voice of a robot. :'''Grenda''': Don't ruin this for me, Candy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested. :'''Grenda''': How could you say that to Kevin? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is… I'm going to have to cut your pay. :'''Waddles in Soos's Body''': ''[Puts hand on Stan's face.]'' :'''Stan''': What are you doing? :'''Waddles''': ''[Breathes eerily]'' :'''Stan''': Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work. :'''Waddles''': ''[Continues breathing creepily]'' :'''Stan''': Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' Oh, no! Then again, I like having muscles for once. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Mabel's body]'' Wow! Now I have tiny little doll hands! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' Cool, I'm Santa Claus. :'''McGucket''': ''[in Candy's body]'' Whoo-ee! ''[laughs]'' I've regained my innocence! :'''Dipper''': ''[in Waddles' body]'' Well, I guess I'm a pig now. So, that's a thing. :'''Soos''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' This body's not that different from my old one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer Blubs''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' My horoscope didn't say anything about this. :'''Officer Durland''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' AHH! What's happenin' to me?! :'''Candy''': ''[in Officer Blubs' body]'' I am police officer now. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Officer Durland's body]'' Let's go bust some perps, Candy. ===''Boyz Crazy'' [1.17]=== {{line}} :'''Mabel''': SEV'RAL TIMEZ is playing at the the Gravity Falls Civic Center and Buffet. :'''Dipper''': Ughh, Sev'Ral Timez? Aren't they that boy band that came a decade too late? :''[Cut to a music video of Sev'Ral Timez doing "Cray Cray Feat Lenz Flar"]'' :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Oh Oh! Girl you got me actin' so Cray Cray! (Cray-Cray!) You say you won't be my baby! We're not threatening! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, you know all those boy bands are fake - Right? :'''Wendy''': Dipper's right. They're just a manufactured product of the bloated corporate music industry. :'''Mabel''': You're making my dance sad. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': You guys can't ruin this for me. Mabel's got backup. :''[Grenda and Candy come rolling into the Shack decked out with Sev'Ral Timez merch]'' :'''Grenda''': Hey guys. :'''Candy''': Woo-Hoo. :'''Mabel''': I'm ready for the greatest night of our live. [singing] "How many times am I gonna love ya?" :'''Grenda and Candy''': "SEV'RAL TIMEZ!" :''[Grenda Candy and Mabel run away giggling]'' :'''Dipper''': Uhhh, GIRLS. :'''Wendy''': I know, Right? {{line}} :''[Dipper talking to Stan about Wendy]'' :'''Dipper''': So wait...You actually believe my theory? :'''Grunkle Stan''': You're darn right I do. And we're gonna get to the bottom of it...Right after I get to the bottom of this brown meat. :''[Stan opens a can of brown meat and downs it]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's APOCA-LICIOUS! {{line}} :''[During the Sev'Ral Timez concert, Deep Chris sits down to talk to his audience]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Hey Girl, I just wanna get real for a moment and say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. For you specifically, not the girl sitting next to you, but YOU. :'''Concert Girl1''': I LOVE YOU DEEP CHRIS! :'''Concert Girl2''': HE WAS TALKING TO ME! :''[All the girls start throwing chairs and fighting. Tyler Cutebiker is at the show watching the mayhem]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Git 'Em, Git 'Em. :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Thank you! Good Night! {{line}} :''[After finding Sev'Ral Timez private room backstage and avoiding the evil manager Mr. Bratzman, Mabel, Grenda and Candy finally meet their idols - locked in a cage.]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Ohh, WHO goes there? Prepare to be danced at. :'''Creggy G''': Step off Deep Chris. She's a lady. Don't disrespect her bro. Don't disrespect. :'''Deep Chris''': MY bad. :'''Deep Chris''': Chubby Z let's calm this boo by posin' for her, poster-style. :'''Mabel''': Whoo! Trying hard not to let my brain explode. I've always wanted to meet you guys, But what was the deal with that scary chubb-chubb man? :'''Deep Chris''': Mr. Bratzman's our producer, Yo. :'''Creggy G''': He genetically engineered us to be the perfect boy band, G. :'''Chubby Z''': But he keeps us in cages. That junk is straight brutal girl. :'''Mabel''': That is straight brutal Chubby Z. :'''Creggy G''': Our one dream is to escape into the REAL world - for real. Yo, I heard about these things called trees. I don't know what they are, but I wanna kiss one. :'''Greggy C''': But we can't disobey Mr. Bratzman. He says he loves us. :'''Mabel''': If he loved you, he'd set you free. :'''Creggy G''': True dat, true dat. :'''Chubby Z''': That's a valid perspective. :''[Mabel uses a hairpin to unlock the boyz cage,]'' :'''Mabel''': Let's go right now. Me and my friends can help you escape. :'''Grenda''': We're Masters of '''''STEALTH!''''' :'''Chubby Z''': Yo, You'd really do that for us beef? :'''Mabel''': You can count on me. I'm sorry, did you just call me beef? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': All right, it took all day, but I converted it to a record. And now we can slow it down to see if the mind-control message theory is correct. Prepare to have your mind blown. :'''Stan''': Spit-take, here I come. ''[sips Pitt Cola]'' :''[Dipper plays and slows down the record, with a tapeman ready to record]'' :'''Stan''': Hmm... that's not spit worthy. What gives? :'''Dipper''': What? Is that it? ''[fiddles with the speed]'' Ugh, This was so stupid! ''Course'' there's no hidden mind-control messages. Mabel was right. Wendy just likes the song. She just likes Robbie. :'''Wendy''': ''[entering with Robbie]'' Hey, Dip. Forgot my keys. :'''Robbie''': What's up, junior? What are you doing? Trying to come up with an equation to make girls like you? [laughs] :'''Wendy''': Ready to go to Lookout Point? :'''Robbie''': Heh, am I. ''[leaving with her]'' Later, dorks. Catch ya on the rewind. ''[chuckles]'' I made that up. :'''Stan''': I'll rewind your ''FACE!'' :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute. Stan, rewind! :''[He manually turns the record backwards, and it plays "You are now under my control! Your mind is mine!"]'' :'''Stan''': ''[spits soda into Dipper's face]'' Holy mackerel! Now ''there's'' your spit-take! :'''Dipper''': Ha ha! I knew it! It's mind control after all! Oh no! I've got to save Wendy! :'''Stan''': Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll! <hr width="50%"> :'''Robbie''': ''[after Wendy breaks up with him]'' Oh, man. :'''Stan''': Look, if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is coming soon. Bury your gold. You've been buying gold, right? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Women. They're the ''real'' mystery, Dip. You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the "bad guy". :'''Dipper''': No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life. She probably hates me now. :'''Stan''': Ah, chin up, kid. You were tryin' to do the right thing even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car. :'''Dipper''': You think she'll ever forgive me? :'''Stan''': Ah, I bet she will. And until then, you can always go bowling with me. :'''Dipper''': Thanks, Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': Don't mention it, kid. ''[gnawing is heard from outside]'' Wait a second... is something rooting through our trash? ''[cut to a Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can; Stan drives him away with a broom]'' Hey, hey! GET OUTTA HERE! Darn beautiful men. Always eating out of my trash. Wait, what? ===''Land Before Swine'' [1.18]=== :''[From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]'' :'''Bobby Renzobbi''': I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it ''does'' work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR '''''PIGS!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]'' :'''Mabel''': Go, go. Chew that pant leg. :''[Stan tears his pant leg free.]'' :'''Stan''': All right, that tears it. Outside, now. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, no. You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators. And barbecuers. :'''Stan''': That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious. :'''Mabel''': He should be inside like a person. :'''Stan''': People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos. :'''Mabel''': And we're the lesser for it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles. :'''Stan''': He's a fat, naked jerk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]'' :'''Mabel''': Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen? Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him ''outside''? :'''Stan''': What? No, I didn't put him anywhere. I'm not acting suspicious. You're acting suspicious. What's a pig? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I should have put that pig outside ages ago. :'''Mabel''': Wait, what did you just say? :'''Stan''': Hm? What's that? :'''Mabel''': You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. ''[gasps]'' :'''Stan''': No! Wait, uh, if you think about it- :'''Mabel''': You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD! :'''Stan''': Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside. :'''Mabel''': No, that's it. Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again. :'''Stan''': Look, you can't be serious. :'''Mabel''': Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them. :'''Stan''': Kid. :'''Mabel''': ''[plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle]'' La la la la la! I can't hear anyone. No one's talking to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]'' :'''Stan''': The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig. What are you looking at? Aw, come on, don't give me that look. What am I supposed to do, let it eat me? Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal. Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. Telling me her jokes. Making me laugh. :''[Waddles snorts and cocks his head]'' :'''Stan''': ''[chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl]'' Aw, dang it. ''[as the pterodactyl flies straight for them]'' Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. ''[dons the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it]'' You want this pig?! THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME! ===''Dreamscaperers'' [1.19]=== :'''Bill''': Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back. Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? ''[laughs]'' I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon. :'''Gideon''': W-what are you? H-how do you know my name? :'''Bill''': Oh, I know lots of things. '''LOTS OF THINGS.''' Hey, look what I can do. ''[magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands]'' Deer teeth. For you, kid. ''[laughs]'' :'''Gideon''': You're insane! :'''Bill''': Sure I am, what's your point? ''[restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]'' :'''Gideon''': Listen to me, demon! I have a job for you. I need you to enter the mind of Stanford Pines and steal the code to his safe. ''[Mabel and Soos gasp]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Laughs]'' Wait... Stan Pines? You know what, kid? You've convinced me! I'm sold! I'll help you with this and in return you can help me with something I've been working on! We'll work out the details later. :'''Gideon''': Deal! :'''Bill''': Well, time to invade Stan's mind! This should be fun! Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold. Bye! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a memory of Stan as a door-to-door salesman]'' :'''Stan''': Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything. ''[door slams shut]'' Gotta work on that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': One nightmare, coming up! :'''Soos''': Nightmare? I hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about. :'''British Dog-Man''': ''[appears]'' 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Who's crike for a stick in the pudding? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one. :'''Soos''': ''[whispering to Mabel]'' He's talking about you. :'''Bill''': So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. '''BUT KNOW THIS!''' A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you! '''I'll be watching you...!''' ===''Gideon Rises'' [1.20]=== :''[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]'' :'''Jeff''': This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. Scrub, scrub. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me. :'''Dipper''': Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair. :'''Jeff''': Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock, get my cologne. :''[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]'' :'''Shmebulock''': Shmebulock. :'''Jeff''': Is "Shmebulock" all you can say? :'''Shmebulock''': ''[nodding "yes"]'' Shmebulock. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever ''that'' is. :'''Announcer''': Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway? Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel. <hr width="50%"> :''[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]'' :'''Dipper''': Gimme that back or I'll- :'''Gideon''': Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh, huh? No muscles, no brains. Face it, you're nothin' without this. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got. :'''Soos''': Right away, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Soos? What are you doing here? :'''Soos''': Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it? :''[Soos runs in with a fire extinguisher.]'' :'''Stan''': You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was! :'''Soos''': Hey, I'm here for you, dude. :'''Stan''': The entire lower half of your body is on fire. :'''Soos''': Shhh, we're having a moment. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Wait. Wait. Stop everything. I’ve got something to say. :'''Blubs''': Not this guy again. :'''Stan''': Just wait! Look! You guys all think Gideon is so perfect and honest, "Oh. I can never tell a lie, I’m Gideon." :'''Blubs''': He’s more honest than you. :'''Durland''': Yeah! And he’s psychic too. :'''Stan''': How’s this for psychic? BAM! ''[kicks a metal stab revealing a control panel inside]'' Take a good look. :'''Lazy Susan''': Wait a minute? Is that me? ''[on the monitor]'' The secret ingredient to my coffee omelette is coffee. :'''Toby''': And me. :'''Doctor''': ''[on the monitor]'' I can verify that that birthmark is indeed disgusting. :'''Everyone''': That’s me! That’s me! That’s me! :'''Stan''': That's right; these pins are hidden cameras! And my hearing aid was picking up the feedback! Who's the fraud now? :''[Stan crushes the pin which indeed has a hidden camera inside. Everyone throws down their pins]'' :'''Durland''': Gideon, we gave you our trust. :'''Manly Dan''': You lied to us. :'''Gideon''': Please, I... It's not what it looks like. What are you gonna do with me? :'''Durland''': Tyler? :'''Tyler''': Get him. ''[sniffs]'' Get him. :'''Blubs''': Lil' Gideon, you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud and breaking our hearts. Durland, the tiny handcuffs. :'''Gideon''': ''[Durland handcuffs him]'' What?! No! :'''Stan''': Just one more thing! :'''Gideon''': ''[Stan picks him up and shakes him]'' Let go of me! Ow! Ow! Ow! :'''Stan''': ''[retrieves Journal Number Two and the deed to the Mystery Shack]'' I believe this belongs to me. :'''Gideon''': ''[gets loaded into a police car]'' No! No! Watch the hair! You can't do this to me! Y'all are sheep! You need me! I'll be back! You'll hear from my lawyers! :'''Shandra''': There you have it. Local hero Stanford Pines has just exposed Li'l Gideon as a fraud. Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford? :'''Stan''': The Mystery Shack is back, baby! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. ''[Hands Journal 3 to Stan]'' It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it. :''[Stan skims through the book]'' :'''Stan''': I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper. ''[laughs]'' Now I know where you've been getting it all from. Spookums and monsters. This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies. :'''Dipper''': But it's all real. :'''Stan''': Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff. Mind if I borrow this? :'''Dipper''': Wait, no. Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': "Magic book." ''[laughs more]'' Ridiculous. ''[leaves with the book]'' :'''Dipper''': Stan, I need it! :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands. You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not. :'''Dipper''': Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though. :'''Mabel''': I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway? ==Season 2== ===''Scary-oke'' [2.01]=== :'''Stan''': Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon. :'''Crowd''': Boo! :'''Stan''': Please, please. Boo ''harder.'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Agent Powers''': My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town. :'''Agent Trigger''': ''[pointing at Stan]'' ''Activity!'' :'''Stan''': "Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking. :'''Agent Powers''': I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs nervously]'' :'''Agent Powers''': I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," ''[gasps]'' "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra! :'''Stan''': Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, what is the one thing I asked you not to do tonight? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. :'''Mabel''': And what did you do? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': ''[fighting zombies]'' All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?! The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME! ===''Into the Bunker'' [2.02]=== :''[Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film]'' :'''Girl''': What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead. :'''Boy''': Far worse, Trixandra. They're NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE! :''[Title Screen: "NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!"]'' :'''Dipper''': Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies. :'''Wendy''': They're slow. Just power-walk away from them. :'''Dipper''': How much do you want to bet the guy dies first? :''[On the TV...]'' :'''Chadley''': Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot! :''[Dipper and Wendy laugh]'' :'''Wendy''': Chadley ain't pretty no more. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Oh, man. Was this place built in the past or the future? :'''Soos''': Yeah, this room is way creepy. :'''Mabel''': Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room]'' :'''Mabel''': They sure are taking their time in there. :'''Soos''': Didn't Dipper say something about a monster? :'''Mabel''': Oh, no. I thought he was joking. :'''Soos''': You know Dipper's jokes are terrible! <hr width="50%"> :''[After Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos trap the Shape Shifter back in the freezer]'' :'''Shape Shifter''': You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author! If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine - and this will be the last form you ever take! :''[It turns into Dipper and does a terrified scream, becoming frozen in that shape]'' :'''Soos''': ''[to Dipper]'' Good luck sleeping tonight. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Listen Dipper, I'm like super flattered, but... I'm too old for you. I mean you know that, right? :'''Dipper''': Mabel said confessing would make me feel better. :'''Wendy''': Well how do you feel? :'''Dipper''': Anxious. Scared. Kinda itchy. :'''Wendy''': Dude, don't be itchy man. Let me tell you something. This summer was super boring until you showed up. I have more fun with you than like practically anybody else. And if you ever stopped being my friend... I would like throw myself into the Bottomless Pit! === ''The Golf War'' [2.03] === :'''Stan''': Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them. :'''Dipper''': Pass. <hr width="50%"> :''[Meeting the Lilliputtians]'' :'''Mabel''': Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud. :'''Dipper''': Pst, Mabel. This is perfect. These guys control the course. Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win. :'''Mabel''': I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating? :'''Dipper''': Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Northwest''': Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything. :'''Mrs. Northwest''': Oh, and looks. Winning and looks. :'''Pacifica''': Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours. I got this. You'll stay and watch, right? :'''Mr. Northwest''': Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper. Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': ''[to Sergei]'' How much you wanna bet they're no-shows? :''[Lights come on, revealing Mabel and Dipper]'' :'''Mabel''': Looking for someone? :'''Pacifica''': ''[sarcastic]'' Waiting in the dark? Not creepy at all. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Stan, Soos, Dipper and Mabel take Pacifica home in their car]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, I found two tacos. :'''Pacifica''': You're allowed to eat in the car? :'''Mabel''': Yeah. The car is where secret surprise snacks happen. Want one? :'''Pacifica''': Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts. :'''Mabel''': "Handouts"? It's called sharing. You do know what sharing is, right? :'''Pacifica''': "Sha... shahring"? :'''Mabel''': Just take it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': Tell your servant I like his W-neck. :'''Soos''': Yes! === ''Sock Opera'' [2.04] === :'''Mabel''': Don't stay up all night, Dipper. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you. :'''Dipper''': You again! :'''Bill''': Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me. :'''Dipper''': Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind! :'''Bill''': It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an '''''EYE ON YOU''''' since then, and I must say, I'm impressed. :'''Dipper''': Really? :'''Bill''': You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming. :''[He claps; a screaming head appears and drops in front of Dipper. Bill snaps and shreds the head to a skull layer by layer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... '''''favor''''' in return. :'''Dipper''': I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time! :'''Bill''': Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, ''[pretends to grab Dipper's brain]'' I'll be here for you, ready to make a deal. Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? ''AAH!'' ''[come to reality, Dipper wakes up]'' :'''Dipper''': ''AAH!'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. ''[slaps himself on the cheek]'' Whoo! ''[slaps the other cheek]'' Haha, pain is hilarious. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body, holding a can of Pitt cola]'' Human soda. I'm gonna drink it like a person. ''[pours it in his mouth and on his eyes, laughing]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[as a ghost]'' I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you! :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' But how can you stop me if you ''don't exist?'' ''[cackles evilly]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Hey, Soos, wanna hear the exact time and date of your death? :'''Soos''': ''[chuckles]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': He loves it. This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show? :'''Dipper''': ''[as a sock puppet]'' Mabel, you want me to be a sock puppet forever?! :'''Mabel''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sorry. You look funny when you're mad. :''[Dipper grunts angrily, which is the exact same thing Kermit the Frog did]'' :'''Mabel''': Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' How's about you hand that book over? :'''Mabel''': No way, this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away! :'''Bill''': Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you. So come to your senses. Give me the book or your play is ruined. There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling? :'''Mabel''': Dipper would. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's worn-out body]'' What is this feeling? My body is burning. I can't move these stupid noodle legs. Curse you, useless flesh-sticks. Body shutting down. Must... scratch... mosquito bites. <hr width="50%" /> :''[After Dipper and Mabel are forced to blow up the puppet show to get rid of Bill]'' :'''Mabel''': Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it. Cue applause! :''[the audience boos them and leaves]'' :'''Mabel''': Gabe. Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches. :'''Gabe''': Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form. Let's go, my loves. ''[leaves, kissing his puppets]'' :'''Dipper''': Did he just make out with his puppets? :'''Mabel''': I might've dodged a bullet there. === ''Soos and the Real Girl'' [2.05] === :''[Soos inserts "Romance Academy 7" disc into hard drive; a "Year 2000 Electronics" title screen is shown]'' :'''Soos''': Man, I can't wait for the year 2000. :''[the main menu for "Romance Academy 7" pops up; the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (Japanese for "spontaneous combustion")]'' :'''Soos''': Ehh, start. "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom, anthyding can hadplen." That is so true. :'''.GIFfany''': Oh, hi there. My name is .GIFfany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books? ''[options for "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'm really feeling number two here. Click. ''[buzzes]'' Ah! I messed up. :'''.GIFfany''': That's okay. Try again. ''[Soos clicks "Yes of course!", awards him "100 Love Points" as coins and a cat fall down the screen]'' :'''Soos''': Wow, I'm learning. And games are making it fun. :'''.GIFfany''': What would you like to talk about? ''[options for "Your interests!", "Samurais!" and "Squids!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'd rather just click your face. :''.GIFfany''': Ha ha. You are so funny. :'''Soos''': Man, this game is amazing. I don't know why anyone abandoned it. :'''.GIFfany''': And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend. :'''Soos''': Boyfriend? Oh my, Giffany. It's almost like you're actually alive. :'''.GIFfany''': Yes. Almost. Haha, Haha, Haha, Haha. :'''Soos''': Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh. <hr width=50%/> :'''.GIFfany''': ''[appears at once on several TVs]'' That's not important. ''[appears on several more TVs]'' What's important is that you don't have to talk to real girls ever again. You and me can be together... ''[appears on all the TVs at once]'' '''''forever.''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': You don't understand, Wendy. This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me. :'''Wendy''': This is literally too dumb for me to care about. <hr width=50%/> :'''Soos''': Please, let my friends go. I'll do anything you want, I promise. :'''.GIFfany''': I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend. Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. Do you really think that Melody will take you back after this awful date? I can download your brain into the game, with me, and we'll be together '''forever.''' :'''Soos''': Ah! Stay back! :'''.GIFfany''': Come on, Soos. Don't let me delete you too. :'''.GIFfany''': What do you say, boyfriend? :'''Soos''': I say '''''GAME OVER, GIFFANY!''''' ===''Little Gift Shop of Horrors'' [2.06]=== :'''Stan''': ''[at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern]'' Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams. ''[the traveller backs away]'' Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise". :''[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]'' :'''Stan''': Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Movies are great. You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you - next thing you know, you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart. Forget that last part. <hr width=50%/> :''[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]'' :'''Cinnamon''': You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart. :'''Shimmery Twinkleheart''': No, ''you'' did it, Cinnamon. :'''Mabel''': ''[with Twinkleheart]'' Because you believed in yourself. :''[Stan and Soos groan]'' :'''Dipper''': Everything about this is bad. :'''Stan''': Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day. :'''Mabel''': Ooh, old people movies. Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Those monsters are just tiny clay figures moved around one frame at a time by an antisocial shut-in. :'''Soos''': Those people are called animators. ===''Society of the Blind Eye'' [2.07]=== :'''Younger McGucket''': My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket. For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. ''[He holds up the memory erasing ray.]'' Test subject One: Fiddleford. ''[He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on]'' It worked! I can't recall a thing. ''[Static]'' I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! ''[Static, McGucket is more disheveled]'' Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. ''[Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.]'' I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... ''[static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.]'' I saw something in the lake, something big! ''[Rips his hair out, static.]'' My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? ''[static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:]'' Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! ''[which is Abtash for:]'' Bill Cipher! Triangle! ''[The tape ends as McGucket forms a triangle around his right eye]'' ===''Blendin's Game'' [2.08]=== :'''Young Soos''': ''[reading a postcard from his father]'' "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure. -Dad." :'''Reggie''': Hey, don't sweat it, cuz. You'll see him next year. :'''Young Soos''': ''Heh.'' Yeah. "Next year". :''[Soos puts the postcard in a box with several other similar cards]'' :'''Young Soos''': I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Time Baby''': Let the Globnar ''begin''. ===''The Love God'' [2.09]=== :'''Mabel''': So anyway, can you make ''anything'' fall in love? Like that snake and that badger? :'''Love God''': Hmm, ah gee, I dunno. That might be kinda hard to- ''[points at the animals]'' KABOOM! Match made. :'''Mabel''': They're gonna make a "snadger"! How are you doing that? :'''Love God''': Love potion, yo. I got it all: summer love, young love, anti-love. You just gotta put a little on your fingers, and pow! :'''Mabel''': I need that potion. How much would it cost? And would you accept squirrels as payment? :'''Love God''': Whoa-ho-ho! No way. You might ''think'' you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert. :'''Woman''': Love God! Sign my face! :'''Love God''': Only if you sign mine, baby, LET'S GET WEIRD! <hr width="50%"> :'''Teen 1''': ''[seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"]'' I eat kids? But we're kids! :'''Teen 2''': It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! ''[The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]'' :'''Charlie''': Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us? :'''Charlie's Mother''': Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will! ===''Northwest Mansion Mystery'' [2.10]=== :'''Priscilla''': Pacifica! The theme is seafoam green, not ''lake''foam green! Go change! :'''Pacifica''': But... I kinda like it. :'''Preston''': Listen to your mother, Pacifica. :'''Pacifica''': But- :''[Preston rings a handbell; Pacifica stops and sighs]'' :'''Pacifica''': Yes, Father. <hr width="50%"> :'''TV Announcer''': You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of ''Ghost Harassers'', on the [[w:History Channel|Used-To-Be-About-History Channel]]! :'''Dipper''': ''[sips a Pitt cola]'' Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset. <hr width="50%"> :'''Preston''': Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind? :'''Dipper''': ''"My kind"?'' ''[Looks at Pacifica]'' I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain. :'''Pacifica''': I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but- :''[Preston rings the bell]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]'' :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will ''BURN!'' ''[laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]'' :'''Pacifica''': Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back! :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise! :'''Preston''': Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. ''[whispering]'' We'll eat the butler. ''[Pacifica reaches for the lever]'' You dare to disobey us? ''[he rings his bell. Pacifica struggles with herself, then finally defies him]'' Dingally dingally! Is this bell broken? :'''Pacifica''': Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it! :''[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Get in, get in. :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': Yes! ''YES!'' It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. ''[restores the Manor and the guests to normal]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Marius von Fundshauser''': Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you ''mein'' phone number? :'''Grenda''': I don't have a phone! Write it on my face! :'''Mabel''': Whoa! Go, Grenda. :'''Candy''': I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid. :'''Mabel''': What? I call co-bridesmaid. ===''[[w:Not What He Seems|Not What He Seems]]'' [2.11]=== :'''Soos''': ''[pointing at the portal timer]'' It's the final countdown! Just like {{w|Europe (band)|they always}} {{w|The Final Countdown (song)|sung about}}! <hr width=50%> :'''Agent Powers''': Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges? :'''Stan''': Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call? :''[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy. :'''Stan''': ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''Soos!''" :'''Soos''': ''[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker]'' Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation? :'''Stan''': "''Soos, pick up!''" ''[Soos picks up walkie-talkie]'' :'''Soos''': Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food. :'''Stan''': "''Listen, I need something from you.''" ''[at police station]'' You know that vending machine in the gift shop? ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine.''" :''[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]'' :'''Soos''': Time for a repair guy to become a repair man. :'''Drive-Thru Employee''': ''[hands out a kids box]'' Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal? :'''Soos''': Just put one in my mouth. ''[employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it]'' Let's do this. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[drops toxic waste on his foot]'' HOT BELGAN WAFFLES! Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real. ''[inhales]'' SON OF A- :''[Dipper quickly fast-forwards the tape while Mabel covers her ears]'' :'''Dipper''': That's him, alright. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[while Soos is tackling his boss]'' Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order! :'''Soos''': Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids! :'''Stan''': Soos, you idiot, let me go! <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head! :'''Stan''': Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy? :'''Dipper''': He's lying! Shut it down NOW! :'''Stan''': Mabel, please! :'''Computer''': Ten. Nine. :''[Mabel struggles to decide who to listen to]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan... :'''Computer''': Six. Five. :''[she lets go of the button switch and floats up]'' :'''Mabel''': ...I trust you. :'''Dipper''': '''MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!''' :'''Computer''': One. :''[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel disappear in an explosion of white light as each of them screams. Everything floats through the white light for several seconds before it disappears and they all come crashing back down. A mysterious figure comes out of the portal, places his six-fingered hand on the journal, and puts it in his jacket pocket]'' :'''Dipper''': What...? Who is that? :'''Stan''': The author of the journals. ''[The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan]'' My brother. :'''Mabel''': Is this the part where one of us faints? :'''Soos''': Oh, I am so on it, dude. ''[Does so]'' ===''A Tale of Two Stans'' [2.12]=== :'''Ford''': Hehehehe, Wait up! :'''Stan''': Yeah, you should keep up. :'''Ford''': I...I can keep up. ''[Peeks through some boards]'' Whoa. :'''Stan''': Neato. :'''Ford''': Mysterious, boarded-up cave. It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms. Or Mesoamerican gold. :'''Stan''': Uh, ladies first. :''[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]'' :''[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]'' :'''Stan''': Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! ''[Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it]'' Cool. Splinters. :'''Ford''': ''[Shines flashlight into the cave]'' Whoa, it's so creepy in here. :'''Stan''': ''[Comes into the cave]'' Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place. :''[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]'' :'''Stan and Ford''': ''[Walk off, chanting:]'' Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ford''': I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley. :'''Dipper''': Stanley? :'''Mabel''': But... your name is Stanford. :'''Ford''': Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head? :'''Dipper''': Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret? :'''Mabel''': And what happened between you and your brother? :'''Soos''': I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother! :'''Ford''': ''[Punches him in the face]'' :'''Stan''': Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for? :'''Ford''': This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings? :'''Stan''': Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension? :'''Ford''': Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago? :'''Stan''': What I did? Why, you ungrateful... ''[Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him]'' Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. ''[As Ford slams him to the ground]'' Ah! :'''Mabel''': Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?! :'''Ford''': Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher? :'''Soos''': Heh heh. I get that a lot. :'''Stan''': They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids. :'''Ford''': I...have a niece and nephew? ''[Shakes Mabel's hand]'' Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal. :'''Ford''': Heha, I like this kid. She's weird. :'''Dipper''': I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals! :'''Ford''': You've read my journals? :'''Dipper''': I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I ''[Starts breathing heavily]'' OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. ''[Mabel comes over and pats him on the back]'' Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out. <hr width=50%/> :''[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[in a commercial]'' Hi there. I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises. Are you sick of this always happening to you? ''[gets splashed with juice]'' Then you need the shammy of the future. Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon. That's the Sham-Total. It's a total sham. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. Suckers! I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania. :'''Stanley''': ''[in another commercial]'' Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off. The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' It gave you rashes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': ''[voiceover]'' I knew I'd have to record my findings. ''[in flashback, Stanford traces his hand on gold paper and uses it to create Journal 1]'' I began to keep a journal. :'''Dipper''': ''[squeals excitedly]'' '''The journals!''' ''[everyone stares at Dipper]'' Sorry, sorry, just uh... ''[clears throat]'' ...got excited there about the journals. Keep...keep talking. :'''Ford''': I began to keep a journal. ''[Dipper squeals again; clears throat]'' Just going to ignore that… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stanley''': Look, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee. :'''Stanford''': Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore. :'''Stanley''': Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay? :'''Stanford''': I have something to show you. Something you won't believe. :'''Stanley''': Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. ''[standing in the portal room]'' There is nothing about this I understand. :'''Stanford''': It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left, and you are the only person I can trust to take it. ''[gives Stan the journal]'' I have something to ask of you. Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can, to the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it. :'''Stanley''': That's it?! You finally want to see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible? :'''Stanford''': Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against. What I've been through. :'''Stanley''': No, no! You don't understand what ''I've'' been through! I've been to prison in three different countries. I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? ''I've got a mullet, Stanford''! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods. Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself! :'''Stanford''': I'm selfish? ''I'm'' selfish, Stanley?! How can you say that after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen! :'''Stanley''': Well listen to this: You want me to get rid of this book? Fine. I'll get rid of it right now! ''[he pulls out a lighter and brings it to Journal 3]'' :'''Ford''': No! ''[Grabs the journal]'' You don't understand! :'''Stan''': ''[Takes it back]'' You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it! :'''Ford''': My research! ''[Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him]'' Stanley, give it back! ''[Pushes him onto some of the buttons]'' :'''Stan''': You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that! :''[The portal turns on as they struggle over the journal]'' :'''Stan''': You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life! :'''Ford''': You ruined your own life! ''[Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams in pain and falls to the floor]'' Stanley! Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! Are you alr- :''[Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever]'' :'''Stan''': Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE EM! ''[Shoves Ford back into the portal, and he starts getting sucked into it]'' Whoa whoa hey, what's going on? Hey hey, Stanford- :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley, help me! :'''Stan''': Oh no, what do I do?! :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! ''[Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal. A flash of white engulfs everything and fades]'' :'''Stan''': Stanford? ''[Ford's glasses fall onto the floor as he runs to the portal]'' Stanford, come back! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! ''[Pounds on the side of the portal which turns off. He runs to the lever and tries to pull it]'' I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah come on! ''STANFORD!'' ''[Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:]'' I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. ''[Stanley renovates Stanford's house into the Mystery Shack]'' So once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so, the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack. :''[Shows the Murder Hut aka Mystery Shack over the years.]'' :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheap paid off. ''[Stanley grows up.]'' The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery! ''[Stan shows the crowd out and goes behind the vending machine.]'' But by night, I was down in the basement trying to bring the real Stanford back. I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth in sabotoging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids. :'''Dipper''': So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you. :'''Stan''': That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either. ===''Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons'' [2.13]=== :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today! :'''Mabel''': Dogs! Dogs with hats! :'''Dipper''' No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: ''[holding up the boxed game]'' Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me? :'''Mabel''': Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play? :'''Dipper''' The rules are simple. ''[opens game book]'' First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel. :'''Mabel''': And ''then'' we ride unicorns? :'''Dipper''': Yes. And no. First we make a graph. :'''Mabel''': Ugh, this is like Homework: The Game! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and play! <hr width=50%> :''[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]'' :'''Ford''': Ah! My ears. They're so pointy. :'''Dipper''': There better be something protective under this tunic... ''[checks]'' OH NO, THERE ISN'T! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': The Impossibeast?! Hey, I thought they banned this character! :'''Probabilitor''': Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': Dipper, can I tell you something? :''[Dipper nods]'' :'''Ford''': You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, ''[pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone]'' I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: ''[holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it]'' an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand? :'''Dipper''': Oh-uh, of course. :'''Ford''': In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do. :'''Dipper''': Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford. :'''Ford''': Goodnight, Dipper. ===''The Stanchurian Candidate'' [2.14]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[reading from parchment]'' Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly ''kiss'' upon him, anointing him mayor. ''[awkward pause]'' I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. :'''Misha''': No way! You would never ever do that, dude… I mean, Dipper! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview? :'''Stan''': I got my mouth, don't I? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]'' :'''Dipper''': And he's insisting on speaking his mind! ''[Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]'' :'''Ford''': So this ''is'' an emergency. :'''Dipper''': The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure. :'''Ford''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to [[brainwashing|control someone else]]. ''[opens his drawer]'' Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. ''[Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie]'' A long time ago, I designed a prototype for [[Ronald Reagan]]'s masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head. :'''Dipper''': ''[peers inside the tie]'' Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically [[ambiguity|ambiguous]]! :'''Ford''': ''[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper]'' As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to. :'''Dipper''': Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! ''[runs off]'' :'''Ford''': ''[waves, resumes his research]'' Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup? :'''Dipper''': ''[to Mabel]'' Jump in! Jump in! :''[Turns on the switch]'': :'''Stan''': ''[Under Mabel's control]'' Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! ''[Snaps his fingers]'' I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. ''[Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan]'' But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos''': YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shandra''': ''[on TV]'' This just in! Stanford Pines loses! ''[a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]'' :'''Dipper, Mabel, and Stan''': ''[watching]'' WHAT?! :'''Shandra''': Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record. :'''Stan''': Oh boy... :'''Mabel''': Stan, what did you do?! :'''Stan''': What ''didn't'' I do? :'''Shandra''': ''[reading through papers]'' Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...? :'''Stan''': ''[shakes fist]'' That llama knew too much! :'''Shandra''': Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker. :''[Tyler is shown on a podium, with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland giving him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers as a crowd cheers]'' :'''Tyler''': ''[blushing]'' Got it. :'''Shandra''': ''[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from]'' We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking... :''[Before Stan turns off the TV, a list is shown reading: "FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY."]'' :'''Stan''': Whew! At least they didn't list any of the ''bad'' ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast. ===''The Last Mabelcorn'' [2.15]=== :'''Wendy''': Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! ''AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!'' <hr width="50%"/> : '''Shady Gnome''': ''[trades two bags for a jar containing butterflies]'' Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed. :'''Grenda''': ''[checks bags]'' Where do you get this stuff? : '''Shady Gnome''': Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it’s made. :'''Grenda''': ''[takes off shades]'' You disgust me. :'''Shady Gnome''': You've got your poison, I've got mine. We made a deal. :'''Grenda''': Yeah, well, the deal is OFF! :''[Several police officer gnomes spring out, aiming pinecones at the shady gnome]'' :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Freeze! You're under arrest! Get down! Get down! :'''Shady Gnome''': These butterflies aren't mine! I swear! I've been framed! :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge! ''[to Grenda]'' My cut? ''[Grenda gives him one of the bags]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again? :'''Red Unicorn''': That is messed up, man. :'''Mabel''': Wait, "scam"? :'''Red Unicorn''': Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music. ''[horn lights up and plays music]'' :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone. :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Guys, shut up. :'''Mabel''': ''[enraged]'' All this time, all this time I thought I was a bad person, but you're even '''''worse''''' than I am! :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Okay, fine! So you learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off. What are you gonna do about it? Huh, huh? What are you gonna do? :''[Mabel punches her on the nose, making it leak rainbow-colored blood]'' :'''Wendy''': Woo! Go, Mabel! :'''Grenda''': Join the dark side! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?! :'''Bill''': Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart. Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party. Right, guys? :''[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]'' :'''Ford''': No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down! :'''Bill''': A deal's a deal, Sixer. You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try. Cute, even. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': To Bill, it's just a game, but to us it would mean... ''THE END OF OUR WORLD!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel. :'''Mabel''': Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative. :'''Stan ''': ''[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold]'' MONEY! ===''Roadside Attraction'' [2.16]=== :'''Stan''': Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure. :'''Dipper''': Hey, we're both failures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darlene''': You win this round, Stan! But mark my words, as long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan's RV enters Gravity Falls. The kids cheer]'' :'''Dipper''': I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps. :'''Stan''': Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen- SWEET LORD! ''[Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners]'' AH, ''COME ON''! :''[closeup on graffiti: "Stan is a HACK!"; "Stan is a BUTT: Granny Sweetkins says eat it <u>Pines</u>!"; the Upside-Down Town boss rotates the gift shop sign upside-down as payback; the Corn Maze Worker breaks one headlight on Stan's RV with a baseball ball]'' :'''Corn Maze Worker''': That's what you get! That's what you '''get'''! :'''Stan''': I don't understand. I ''completely'' don't deserve this. :'''Dipper''': Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up? :'''Mabel''': Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway? :''[post-credits scene: Soos is still stuck in the Corn Maze]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. ''[pause]'' Don't move. ''[another long pause]'' You know, I would make a really good scarecrow. ===''Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future'' [2.17]=== :''[At the Gravity Falls High School]'' :'''Wendy''': My dawgs! What up? :'''Mabel''': Wendy, what are you doing here? :'''Wendy''': Ugh, high school registration. :'''Mabel''': Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more "rom-com", or "wacky romp"? :'''Wendy''': More like "teen horror movie". High school is the worst. Classes get super-hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you! :'''Thompson''': Can't do it! CAN'T DO ANOTHER YEAR! :'''Robbie''': My hormones are like a SWEATY CAGE! :'''Mabel''': Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of [[w:High School Musical (franchise)|musical]]. :'''Wendy''': TV ''lied'', man! If you can avoid growing up, do it! I'd give anything to be twelve again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hey, everything all right, pumpkin? :'''Mabel''': Just can't believe the summer's almost over. And now that I know how awful high school's going to be, I'm in no hurry to start that train wreck. :'''Stan''': Ah, nobody likes gettin' older. But just because you're growing doesn't mean you have to ''grow up,'' you know? I mean, look at me. I'm pushin' 70 and I ''still'' eat ice cream for dinner! :'''Mabel''': But I don't wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls. :'''Stan''': Hey, at least whatever happens after this summer, you'll still have your brother along with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that, you know? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. ''[holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation]'' Ford's apprentice? Seriously?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me. :'''Mabel''': Well, it's a ''horrible'' opportunity for ''me!'' I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work. :'''Mabel''': I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever. :'''Dipper''': But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends. :''[Mabel glances at Dipper, pushes him away and runs off crying; she unknowingly grabs Dipper's backpack while running out]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back! <hr width="50%"/> :'''"Blendin"''': Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out. It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to! :'''Mabel''': R-really? But how does it work? :'''"Blendin"''': I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. ''[shows the rift]'' Something small; he won't even know it's missing. :'''Mabel''': Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag. :''[Cut to Ford's lab]'' :'''Ford''': Let me guess. Mabel didn't take it well? :'''Dipper''': I don't know, maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I need to think about this. :'''Ford''': Dipper, right now we need to focus on the mission. Now come on, I've got the glue; hand me the rift and let's make history. :''[Dipper reaches into his bag, but he takes out the birthday flyer instead of the rift]'' :'''Dipper''': What? OH, NO! '''''THE RIFT!''''' :''[Cut back outside as Mabel takes out the rift]'' :'''Mabel''': Huh, that's...odd. Is this it? :'''"Blendin"''': Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls? :'''Mabel''': Just a little more summer...''[hands over the rift]'' :'''"Blendin"''': '''''OOPS!''''' ''[drops the rift and smashes it with his boot]'' :'''Mabel''': What?! :''[Blendin cackles, taking off his goggles to show he is possessed by Bill Cipher]'' :'''Mabel''': Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait! :''[Bill snaps his fingers, knocking Mabel out. Cackling, he emerges from Blendin's body]'' :'''Bill''': At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! '''''THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': What's going on? What is that?! :'''Ford''': We're too late. '''It's the end of the world.''' ===''Weirdmageddon Part 1'' [2.18]=== :''[As Bill Cipher towers over Gravity Falls and its citizens]'' :'''Bill''': '''All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets!''' For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill. But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity. :''[he melts the statue of Nathaniel Northwest]'' :'''Bill''': Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends. ''[as various creatures come out of the scar in the sky]'' 8 Ball. Kryptos. The being whose name must never be said. Haha, what the heck? It's Zanthar. Then, of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire and these guys. This is our town now, boys! ''[all his friends start cackling out loud]'' :'''Mayor Tyler''': Now see here, you unholy triangle fella! As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here! :'''Lazy Susan''': Yeah! Things with one eye are weird! :'''Grenda''': We don't like out-of-towners! :'''Manly Dan''': ''[ripping a mailbox in half]'' AND WE PUNCH WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND! :'''Mr. Northwest''': I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your... Horsemen of the Apocalypse? :'''Pacifica''': Dad! :'''Mr. Northwest''': Not now, sweetie. The grownups are talking. :'''Bill''': Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How 'bout instead, I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face? :''[He clicks his fingers, and Mr. Northwest's face is suddenly grotesquely mixed up; he falls to the ground, giving out muffled screams as his family watches in horror; Bill cackles as people flee, and turns Deputy Durland to stone]'' :'''Sheriff Blubs''': Durland! My precious Deputy Durland, no! ''[one of the "Eye-Bats" transports Durland away]'' :'''Bill''': It's time we do a little redecorating! I could really use a ''castle'' of some kind! ''[causes a pyramid to form and float in the sky]'' And how about some bubbles of ''PURE MADNESS?! [summons colourful bubbles; one passes through Sprott, making him scream madly and rip his shirt apart]'' This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, to ''''' WEIRDMAGEDDON!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': So, this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a ''[twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion]'' "boop-boop." <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill! :'''Bill''': Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle: Why did the old man do this? ''[holds his arms at his sides vertically]'' :'''Ford''': ''[copying Bill's pose]'' "This?" ''[Bill suddenly turns him into a gold statue]'' :'''Bill''': Because I needed a new backscratcher. ''[Laughs with the Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Dipper''': That's ''ENOUGH!'' Hand over my uncle! ''[Holds up Journal 3]'' Or else! :'''Bill''': Now isn't...this...'''''INTERESTING?''''' ''[teleports right in front of Dipper]'' My old puppet is back for an encore! ''[dangles the petrified Ford]'' You think ''you'' can stop me? Go ahead, Pinetree, show me what you got! :'''Dipper''': ''[flips through Journal 3]'' I...uh, I...''[sees a blacklight entry on Bill saying "IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM THEN ALL IS LOST!"]'' :'''Bill''': ''[mockingly]'' "I, um, I-" Do it, kid! Do some ''brilliant'' thing that takes me down right now! Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone's waiting! ''DO IT!'' :'''Dipper''': ''BILL-!'' ''[lunges at Bill, who effortlessly blasts him into a tree. The Henchmaniacs jeer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[levitates the Journals]'' That's right. Don't be a hero, kid! ''[shows Ford]'' This'' is what happens to heroes in ''my'' world! ''[Sets the Journals aflame]'' :'''Dipper''': ''NO!'' The Journals! :'''Bill''': Not much of a threat now, are you? <hr width=50%> :''[Observing the weird phenomena all over Gravity Falls]'' :'''Wendy''': End of the world... man, those death metal album covers got it ''shockingly'' right. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill and his friends party in the Fearamid]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' Go nuts, guys! When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2. :''[Pounding is heard]'' :'''Voice''': Open up! This is the police. Time Police! :'''Bill''': Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch. Let me do the talking. :''[The Time Police and Time Baby blast in through the front doors]'' :'''Lolph''': Bill Cipher, you are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer. :'''Blendin''': My body is a temple! How dare you! :'''Time Baby''': Hear this, Cipher. :'''Bill''': Ugh, Time Baby. :'''Time Baby''': If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now, or face my tantrum. :'''Bill''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh no, a tantrum. Whatever will I do about that? '''HOW 'BOUT THIS?!?!''' '''''BOOM!''''' :''[He points at Time Baby and the police, instantly vaporizing them; eye turns into a mouth and blows the smoke off his finger]'' :'''Kryptos''': Ah, snap! He just killed Time Baby! ''[they all start partying again; Blendin hides behind a pole]'' :'''Blendin''': Aw, man! This has gone from bad to worse! I gotta get outta time-dodge! ''[uses his time tape and disappears]'' ===''Weirdmageddon 2: Escape from Reality'' [2.19]=== :'''Bill''': Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces. :'''Creature''': Eighty-''eight'' different faces. :'''Bill''': Whoa-ho, sorry. Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony. Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore... probably. :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[groans, unfreezes]'' Uh, my omelettes. They... have friendly faces. :'''Bill''': Whoops. Hehe, back, back you go there. ''[pats her back, she turns back into stone]'' But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! All right, boys, to the corners of the Earth! Set the world aflame with your weirdness! This dimension is ours! ''[the creatures fly out of the pyramid]'' Ah, global domination. I could get used to- ''[the creatures slam into the forcefield]'' '''WHAT?!''' ''[flies out and touches the forcefield]'' Hmm, this might be more complicated than I thought. :'''Paci-Fire''': I think I broke something. :'''Bill''': '''''WALK IT OFF!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': All right, can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound '''''INFINITE POWER''''', ''[summons a thunderstorm]'' none of us can escape the borders of this '''''STUPID HICK TOWN?!?''''' There's some kind of forcefield keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it? ''[looks at the petrified Ford]'' Hmm... ''[his eye cycles through images of the Journals]'' Maybe ''someone'' needs to come out of retirement. :'''Keyhole''': Bill! Sorry, boss, but Gideon let the Pines family escape! They're inside Mabel's bubble as we speak! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' Buddy, Mabel's bubble is the most diabolical trap I've ever created. It would take a will of ''titanium'' not to give in to its temptation! Fetch me Gideon and take the rest of the day off. ''[looks at Mabel's bubble in the distance]'' Things just got a little more interesting... <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': ''[pants]'' Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real ''world''! :''[many people and Mabel gasp out of earshot; Waffle Guards tackle Dipper down on the ground]'' :'''Dipper''': Hey! :'''Waffle Guard''': Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. ''[people mutter indistinctly]'' Prepare to be banished from this land forever! ''[open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You're smarter than this! Bill has you hypnotized or something! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?! :'''Mabel''': No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way. :'''Waffle Guard''': Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. ''[is bitten]'' Hey! Seriously?! :'''Soos''': ''[pointing to a stuffed rhino]'' It was him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever! :'''Dippy Fresh''': Hey, take a chill pill. Those grow on trees here. :'''Dipper''': You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh! :'''Soos''': Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Look, real life stinks sometimes, okay, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I thought ''you'' were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear, because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've travelled to Heck and back to get you, and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together. :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': ORDER! ORDER! ''[Bangs mallet]'' ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT, why is this hammer squeaky?! :'''Mabel''': You mean it? You're really coming home with me? :'''Dipper''': Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Awkward sibling hug? :''[Crowd shrieks]'' :'''Blue Bird''': Just don't do it! :'''Craz''': DON'T DO IT! :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': You do this and it's all over! :'''Mabel''': ''Sincere'' sibling hug. ''[Hugs Dipper]'' :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': DON'T DO THE PATS! :'''Dipper and Mabel''': ''[Pat each other]'' Pat pat. ''[A ripple comes from their spot, blowing Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein's wig away and one of the benches falls over. All of the jurors disappear]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[Rubs eyes]'' Aw, man, I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week? <hr width=50%> :''[Xyler and Craz emerge from a pile of confetti]'' :'''Xyler''': Whoa! We survived! ''[they stand up, Craz spits confetti]'' :'''Craz''': But where are we? ''[they walk to a bench and sit down]'' :'''Xyler''': Are we real? Is this reality? ''[they observe Gravity Falls in its chaos and destruction]'' [[Cats]] postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance. :'''Craz''': Totally righteous, bro. :'''Xyler''': I know. ===''Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back The Falls'' [2.20]=== :'''Larry King's Head''': Hey, is anyone gon' feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head needs num-nums. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes. :'''Jeff the Gnome''': Hey! I'm short, not deaf! :'''Stan''': Shh. Stress will make you chewy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ford''': Quit the games, Cipher! If I'm still alive, you must want something from me. :'''Bill''': Ah, sharp as ever, Fordsy. As you may have noticed, I've recently had a ''multidimensional makeover. I control space, matter, and now that that dumb baby's out of the way, time itself. But I wasn't always this way. You think those chains are tight? Imagine living in the Second Dimension: [[w:Flatland|flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams.]] I liberated my dimension, Stanford, and I'm here to liberate yours. There's just one hitch. As it turns out, my weirdness can't escape the magical confines of this town. There's something keeping me in. :'''Ford''': Incredible! Gravity Falls' Natural Law of Weirdness Magnetism - I studied this years ago! :'''Bill''': And did you find a way to undo it? :'''Ford''': Of course. There's a simple equation that could collapse the barrier. But I'd never tell you! :'''Bill''': Listen, Ford - if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free. Anything will be possible! I'll remake a fun world, a better world! A party that never ends with a host that never dies! No more restrictions! No more laws! You'd be one of us. All-powerful! Greater than anything you've imagined! And all I need is your help. :'''Ford''': You're insane if you think I'll help you! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' I'm insane either way, brainiac! But have it your way! I'll just fish around and get that equation ''directly out of your mind! [prepares to enter Ford's mind]'' :'''Ford''': Not so fast! You know the rules, Bill. ''[Bill returns to physical form]'' You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and let you in! :'''Bill''': ''[sighs, chains Ford up]'' You're making this so much harder than it needs to be. Everyone has a weakness, tough guy! I'll make you talk. It's only a matter of time! ''[Ford screams]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Soos''': Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords. :'''McGucket''': What's an anime? :'''Soos''': We have much to discuss. :'''Stan''': Discuss nothing. These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash. Excuse my French. :'''French Lilliputian''': Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir. ''[Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The Gravity Falls rebels confront Bill's gang in the "Shacktron"]'' :'''Soos''': ''[through a microphone]'' Uh, hey, dudes. Is this thing on? Test. ''[feedback screeches]'' Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. ''[pointing at Paci-Fire]'' Hey, you're a little cutie. :'''Paci-Fire''': I have butchered millions on countless moons. :'''Soos''': Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy. <hr width-"50%> :''[After the "Shacktron" defeats Bill's Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Bill''': Guys, seriously? You had, like, ''one'' job to do here. :'''Ford''': Bravo, Dipper and Mabel! :'''Bill''': ...Well, would you look at that! Those kids really care about you. And you care about them. '''''DON'T YOU?''''' :'''Ford''': What are you-? Oh. Oh, no! :'''Bill''': Perhaps torturing those kids'll make you talk. <hr width="50%"> :''[Grenda rips out Bill's eye with the Shacktron]'' :'''Bill''': ARGH! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Last chance: tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids! :'''Dipper''': No! Don't do it! :'''Mabel''': Yeah, Bill makes bad deals! :'''Bill''': Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! ''[his eye shows an image of a galaxy]'' I SEE EVERYTHI- ''[Mabel sprays it with paint]'' OW! Not again! Why?! ''Every'' time! :'''Stan''': Nice shot, pumpkin! :'''Bill''': I just regenerated that eye! :'''Mabel''': I ''know'' that hurts, because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': You two wait here! I've got some children I need to make into corpses! ''[morphs into a huge, red, multi-armed form]'' '''SEE YA REAL SOON!''' :'''Stan''': No! Wait! No! No! Oh, what do we do? What do we do?! :'''Ford''': ''[frantically bangs on cage bars]'' Kids! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna '''DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES! YOU'VE TRICKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup. :'''Ford''': ''[sighs]'' Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. ''[drinks from "water" flask and shares it with Stan]'' :'''Stan''': How did things get so messed up between us? :'''Ford''': We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it? :'''Stan''': Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. ''[Ford stands up]'' Whoa, where are you going? :'''Ford''': I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free. :'''Stan''': What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?! :'''Ford''': Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind. :'''Stan''': What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything. :'''Ford''': ''[chuckles]'' There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids. :'''Stan''': Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal? :'''Ford''': What other choice do we have? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! EENY... MEENY... MINEY...'''YOU!''' :'''Stan''': ''[wearing Ford’s clothes and imitating Ford’s voice]'' Wait! I surrender. :'''Bill''': Good choice. :'''Ford''': ''[wearing Stan’s clothes and imitating Stan’s voice]'' Don’t do it Ford! It’ll destroy the universe! :'''Stan''': It’s the only way! :'''Bill''': HAHAHAHA! Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along. ''[drops the cage and ties up Ford]'' :'''Stan''': My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go! :'''Bill''': Fine! :'''Dipper''': No! Grunkle Ford! Don’t trust him! :'''Bill''': It's a...DEAL! ''[Holds Stan's right hand, then enters the mental realm, petrifying his physical form and enters Stan’s mind]'' :'''Bill''': Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi- ''[opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]'' :'''Stan''': ''[Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]'' :'''Bill''': '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Stan''': Heh-heh, do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart. Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it. :''[Outside of Stan's mind, Ford pulls out the memory gun and aims it at Stan]'' :'''Bill''': What?! The deal's off! What the-?! No, no, no, NO! :'''Stan''': Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh? :'''Bill''': Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?! :'''Stan''': Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway. :'''Bill''': Let me outta here! Let me OUT! Why isn't this working?! :'''Stan''': Hey, look at me. Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon. You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family. :'''Bill''': ''You're'' making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! '''''PLEASE!''''' No...! '''WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!''' ''[begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words that, when played in reverse, are revealed to be:]'' '''A-X-O-L-O-T-L! MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN!''' '''''STANLEY!''''' ''[Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]'' :'''Stan''': Heh. Guess I was good for something after all. <hr width="50%"> :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. It's not on any maps and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods, waiting. ==Cast== *[[w:Jason Ritter|Jason Ritter]] – Dipper Pines *[[w:Kristen Schaal|Kristen Schaal]] – Mabel Pines *[[w:Alex Hirsch|Alex Hirsch]] – Grunkle Stan/Soos/Old Man McGucket/Bill Cipher *[[w:Linda Cardellini|Linda Cardellini]] – Wendy Corduroy *[[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Ford Pines (season 2) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Disney Channel shows]] [[Category:Disney XD shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about twins]] [[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]] 5zkoiskj6fm11wx628o0kxxznvka6he 3955241 3955238 2026-06-22T06:50:23Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Land Before Swine [1.18] */ 3955241 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Gravity Falls|Gravity Falls]]''''' (2012–2016) is an American animated television series which premiered on the [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] in 2012. ==Season 1== ===''Tourist Trapped'' [1.01]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[first lines, open narration]'' Ahh. Summer break. :'''Hank''': ''[cooking burgers on a grill]'' So you want cheese on that, hon? :'''Hank’s Wife''': Sure, Hank. :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy, unless you’re me. :''[Dipper and Mabel scream as they drive the golf cart away from a monster.]'' :'''Mabel''': It’s getting closer! :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. :''[The monster throws a fallen tree in their path.]'' :'''Mabel''': Look out! :''[Dipper and Mabel scream until the screen freezes.]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[narration]'' Rest assured, there’s a perfectly logical explanation. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' He's looking at it, he's looking at it. :'''A boy''': ''[reading from a letter]'' Do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely? :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' I rigged it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me. ''[turns cheek to reveal a big red mark]'' :'''Dipper''': Ah! :'''Mabel''': Heh heh, gullible. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. ''[in a flashback, Mabel gets her face sucked into a leaf blower whilst trying to perform "kissing practice" on a picture of Norman]'' Turn it off, turn it off! That was fun. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face. :'''Crowd member''': Does it look like a rock? :'''Grunkle Stan''': No, it looks like a face. :'''Another crowd member''': Is it a face? :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's a rock that ''looks'' like a face. :'''Dipper''': Over here! Grunkle Stan? :'''Grunkle Stan''': For the fifth time, it's not an actual face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, hey! Let go of my sister! :'''Jeff''': Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just [[w:Polyandry|marrying all 1,000 of us]] and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey? :'''Mabel''': You guys are butt-faces! ===''The Legend of the Gobblewonker'' [1.02]=== :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's Family Fun Day, genius! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals. :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our ''last'' family bonding day? :''[Flashback to Mabel, Dipper, and Grunkle Stan [[w:Counterfeit money|making fake money]]]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman. ''[Sirens in distance]'' Uh-oh. :''[Back to present]'' :'''Mabel''': The county jail was so cold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car? :'''Dipper and Mabel''': YAY! :'''Dipper''': Wait, what? :''[Later, while Stan is driving recklessly:]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, are ''you'' wearing a blindfold? :'''Grunkle Stan''': Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? ''[drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]'' :'''Dipper and Mabel''': AAH! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden? :'''Grunkle Stan''': C'mon this is gonna be great. I've never had fishin' buddies before. The guys at the lodge won't go with me. They don't "like or trust" me. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]'' :'''Beaver 1''': ''[subtitled]'' I love cavorting! :'''Beaver 2''': ''[subtitled]'' That deserves a hug! ''[The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides off]'' :'''Dipper''': But, what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise. :''[Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]'' :'''Soos''': Sweet. Beaver with a chainsaw. :'''Dipper''': Maybe that old guy was crazy after all. :'''Mabel''': He did use the word "scrabdoodle". <hr width="50%"> :''[A man and woman float along the lake in their boat.]'' :'''Reginald''': Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you. :'''Rosanna''': Oh, Reginald. :''[Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin' better. Her aim is gettin' better. Ya see, it's funny, because marriage is terrible. ''[the couple row away from him]'' What? <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Grr....Gaa! Molly-coddling! :''[Stan is trying to untie a wad of fishing line, alone in his boat, and overhears a nearby family while they are fishing.]'' :'''Boy''': Can you please tell me more funny stories Pop-Pop? :'''Pop-Pop''': Anything for my fishin' buddies! ''[laughs]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': Arghhh! :'''Boy''': Pop-Pop I just wealized that...I wuv you! :'''Grunkle Stan''': Ahhhh! C'MON! Boo! BOO! <hr width="50%"> :''[During the ending credits]'' :''[Mabel has her hand on the lower bill of a pelican using it like a puppet to tell a joke]'' :'''Pelican Mabel''': ''[Deep raspy voice]'' Who wants to hear a joke? :'''Dipper''': Not me :'''Pelican Mabel''': Heh-Ha! Yeah ya do. Here it goes. Why did the Pel-ican get kicked out of the res-taurant? :'''Dipper''': I DON'T CARE! :'''Pelican Mabel''': Cuz he had a very BIG BILL. La-la-la-la Yuk-yuk-yuk! :'''Dipper''': Oh boo. Bad Joke. Bad Pelican Joke. :'''Pelican Mabel''': Blah-Blah-Blah! ===''Headhunters'' [1.03]=== :'''Mabel and Biker''': Three, four, five, six. :'''Mabel''': Your wife is going to be beautiful. :'''Biker''': Yes. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, we've got a big break in the case. :'''Biker''': But will she love me? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': But enough about me. Behold, me! ''[reveals wax figure of himself]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[flashback to the haunted garage sale]'' :'''Seller''': I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price. :'''Stan''': ''[looks at price tag]'' Twenty dollars? I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'. :'''Seller''': What? :'''Stan''': I said I was gonna rob ya. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute! What has holes in its shoes and no fingerprints? Mabel! The murderers are... :'''Wax [[Sherlock Holmes]]'' Standing right behind you? <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper fights against Wax Sherlock Holmes atop the Mystery Shack]'' :'''Wax Holmes''': You really think you can outwit me, boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you ''seen'' my magnifying glass? It's enormous! ===''The Hand That Rocks the Mabel'' [1.04]=== :'''Stan''': For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible ''Sack of Mystery''. When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears. :'''Various tourists''': ''[putting money in the bag]'' Oh, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Wow, what a nice man. That was totally worth the drive. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel surprises Dipper with her new makeover and manicured fingernails]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, Dipper. What's going on? ''[Dipper swats her hands away and gets up]'' :'''Dipper''': Whoa, where have you been? And what's going on with those fingernails? You look like a... {{w|wolverine}}. :'''Mabel''': I know, right? Rawr. I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head. :'''Mabel''': Oh, leave him alone. You never wanna do girly stuff with me. You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time. :'''Dipper''': What do you mean? :'''Soos''': Hey, dude. You ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave, one by one? :'''Dipper''': Am I? :''[They both run off and turn on the microwave offscreen, laughing at the popping sounds]'' :'''Soos''': ''[guffawing]'' Oh, dude! :'''Dipper''': One at a time! One at a time! <hr width="50%"> :''[At the gift shop, Stan shows Soos, Wendy and Dipper a newspaper article showing a picture of Gideon and Mabel together]'' :'''Stan''': Hey, hey! What the {{w|Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde|Jekyll}} is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon? :'''Wendy''': ''[browses her cellphone]'' Oh yeah, it's like a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight. :'''Stan''': WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great-niece?! :'''Soos''': I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mab-ideon? Gide-Abel? ''[Gasps]'' Ma-gid-bel-eon! :'''Dipper''': I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to! :'''Stan''': ''[walking out the door]'' Yeah, well it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house; this is gonna stop right now! ''[Slams the door]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Stan goes to Gideon's house to confront him. However, Gideon's father Bud answers the door.]'' :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, well, Stanford Pines. What brings you here? :'''Stan''': Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon. :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee. :'''Stan''': I don't think- :'''Bud Gleeful''': Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Colombia. :'''Stan''': Wow. I went to jail there once. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper sees a nervous Mabel pacing around the living room]'' :'''Dipper''': What in the heck happened on that date? :'''Mabel''': I don't know! I was in the friend zone—and then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, come on. It's not like you're gonna have to marry Gideon. :'''Stan''': Great news, Mabel. You have to marry Gideon. :'''Mabel''': ''WHAT?!'' :'''Stan''': It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful. There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt. ''[Looks down]'' Ugh, I am fat. :''[Mabel runs out screaming]'' :'''Stan''': Bodies change, honey! Bodies change. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[on Mabel]'' She's never gonna date you, man! :'''Gideon''': That's a lie! And I'm gonna make sure you never lie to me again, friend. ''[Levitates the scissors out from a box to kill Dipper]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel destroys Gideon's amulet]'' :'''Gideon''': My powers! Oh, this isn't over. This isn't the last you'll see of wittle... ''ol' me.'' ===''The Inconveniencing'' [1.05]=== :'''Dipper''': Mabel, do you believe in ghosts? :'''Mabel''' I believe you're a big dork! Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': And Robbie. You can probably figure him out. :'''Robbie''': Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower. :'''Dipper''': Oh, you mean The Big Muffin. :'''Robbie''': Uh, it's a giant explosion. :'''Lee''': It kinda does look like a muffin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Come on, Dipper. :'''Dipper''': ''[climbing over the fence]'' Okay, okay, just gotta get a foothold. :'''Robbie''': Dude, your sister did it. :'''Mabel''': ''[running on the ground sideways in a circle]'' Woop woop woop woop woop woop. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': ''[to Dipper]'' ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip. :'''Mabel''': ''[feeling sick]'' Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think? :''[Mabel hallucinates into a rainbow colored candy world with the Smile Dip mascots]'' :'''Flavor Pup #1''': Elknurg tsurt t'nod! ''['Don't trust Grunkle' backwards]'' :'''Flavor Pup #2''': Would you like to eat my candy paws? :'''Mabel''': Of course, you little angel. ''[starts chewing on the paw. Cut to real life; Mabel is chewing on air.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something. :'''Mabel''': ''[makes a gurgling sound]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel? :''[zoom in on Mabel's face, fade to her hallucination: she's flying with crazy pop music from before playing]'' :'''Mabel''': The future is in the past. Onwards Aoshima! :'''Aoshima''': ''[moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fists open and spit out rainbows]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, How many of these did you eat?! :'''Mabel''': Eleven...teen. :'''Dipper''': Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cereal box Toucan''': I'm bonkers for eating you alive. :'''Lee''': No! ''[Screams as a stabbing sound is heard]'' :'''Nate''': Lee! Okay, okay... I'm with you kid! 100%, man! :'''Pa''': [possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice]'' Welcome. :'''Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy''': ''[Scream]'' :'''Dipper''': They got Mabel! :'''Pa''': Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. ''[Kicks legs and laughs]'' :'''Wendy''': We're super sorry for hanging out in your store! :'''Dipper''': Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever? :'''Pa''': Well... okay. You're free to go. ''[Opens doors]'' But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs. :'''Nate and Robbie''': ''[Scream and run for the door]'' :'''Pa''': ''[Closes doors]'' Just kidding about the hot dog sale. :'''Nate''': Just let us out of here already! :'''Pa''': I don't like your tone. ''[Dissolves Nate]'' :'''Nate''': ''[Reappears as a hot dog on the stove]'' No! '''I'M A HOT DOG!''' :'''Pa''': It begins. ''[Makes everything float to the ceiling]'' Welcome to your home for all eternity! :'''Wendy''': Dipper, what do we do?! :'''Dipper''': DUCK! ''[Dipper and Wendy duck to avoid a flying shelf]'' :'''Wendy''': ''[Points]'' Quick! In there! ''[Dipper and Wendy Run to a tipped over ice machine and hide inside and pant]'' :'''Wendy''': What do they want from us?! :'''Dipper''': Revenge, I guess? :'''Wendy''': What did we do wrong? :'''Dipper''': Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn't make any sense! :'''Wendy''': Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things. :'''Dipper''': Wendy, say that last part again. :'''Wendy''': Normal teenage things? :'''Dipper''': Of course! Stay here until I get back! ''[crawls out of the freezer]'' :'''Wendy''': Dude, what are you doing?! :'''Dipper''': Hey ghost! :'''Pa''': ''[twists Mabel's head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him]'' :'''Dipper''': I've got something to tell you! I'm not a teenager! :'''Pa''': ''[drops everything that's floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma]'' Hohoho! Well why didn't you say so? ''[drops Mabel into a pile of candy]'' :'''Mabel''': WAAH! ''[Lands in the candy and rubs her head]'' Ohhh... :'''Ma''': Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store. :'''Pa''': Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants. So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music. :'''Ma''': The lyrics were so hateful. :'''Rapper''': Homework's whack, and so are rules. Tucking in your shirt's for fools. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV Announcer''': You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel. :'''Grunkle Stan''': Kids, I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up. :'''TV Announcer''': Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire. :'''Grunkle Stan''': KIDS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ugghh... I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again. :'''Dipper''': Hey, there's still some left. :'''Mabel''': Evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Well, I'm probably scarred for life. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, that was pretty crazy. :'''Wendy''': I think I'll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay? :'''Dipper''': Next time? Yah! Let's, let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah... ''[gets in the car, to himself]'' Next time... ''[gets in the car and sits next to Mabel]'' :'''Mabel''': OHHHHH... ''[sees the thing she wrote earlier]'' What kind of sick joke is this? ===''Dipper vs. Manliness'' [1.06]=== :'''Testosteraur''': Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH?! I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs, and '''FISTS FOR NIPPLES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington. :'''Dipper''': I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said. :'''Stan''': Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's ''incident.'' :''[Flashback: Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone]'' :'''Dipper''': [[w:Dancing Queen|Disco girl]]...comin' through...that girl is you! ''[Stan opens the bathroom door]'' DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN! :''[End flashback]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[grinning]'' You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation [[w:ABBA|BABBA]]? :'''Dipper''': No, I wasn't- It's not important. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery! :'''Deputy Derland''': Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles? :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Quit readin' my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[serving Stan and Mabel]'' Food! :'''Stan''': Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow. :'''Lazy Susan''': Ha! Silly.. silly man... :'''Mabel''': What was that about? :'''Stan''': Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of- :'''Stan''': Love? :'''Mabel''': Mabel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper confronts the Multibear.]'' :'''Multibear''': Child, why have you come here? :'''Dipper''': Multibear, I seek your head. Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads? ===''Double Dipper'' [1.07]=== :''[All the clones are fighting]'' :'''#10''': Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away! :'''Dipper''': No friends, it's me, #7. :''[They All Look at #7]'' :'''#7''': That's not me guys! THAT'S NOT ME! ===''Irrational Treasure'' [1.08]=== :''[Dipper and Mabel go off to enjoy Pioneer Day]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you coming? :'''Stan''': No thank you. Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me. :'''Dipper''': ''[In an old-timey accent]'' There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar. :'''Mabel''': ''[Likewise]'' Well, hornswaggle my haversack. :''[They spit on the ground and runoff, laughing]'' :'''Stan''': DEAD TO ME! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan attempts to drive away, but his car is stuck in the mud. He calls out to a man who is walking with a donkey.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya? :'''Man''': Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box? :'''Stan''': C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack! :'''Man''': "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression! :'''Stan''': I can't take it anymore. ''[grabbing the man by the collar]'' I'm getting dumber every second I'm here! :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland run over, batons drawn]'' :'''Blubs''': Are we gonna have to intervene here? :'''Stan''': Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" ''[laughs]'' :''[Cut to Stan being locked in the stocks]'' :'''Stan''': Oh, come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have to '''break in.''' :''[Spy music plays; cut to the twins just entering the museum normally]'' :'''Museum Lady''': And here are your balloons; blue and pink! :''[Spy music plays again]'' :'''Dipper''': '''We're in.''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Man on Film''': If you're watching this, you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot once the filming is complete. ''[Someone speaks offscreen.]'' What? No? Ha! Well, that's a relief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland are chasing Dipper Mabel and Quentin Trembley across the top of a train after the three escaped from a crate]'' :'''Blubs''': There is .... No escape! ''[out of breath]'' I gotta take a knee. :'''Durland''': Are you ok? Can I get you anything? :'''Blubs''': Edward Durland you are a diamond in the rough. :'''Dipper''': Sheriff Blubs do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere? :'''Blubs''': I got no choice. Our orders come from the very top. :'''Dipper''': Wait. Quentin did you ever sign an official resignation? :'''Quentin Trembley''': No sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembley''': You've done a great service to your country Mabel. As thanks I'd like to make you an official US congressman. :''[Trembley pulls out a top hat and places it on Mabel's head]'' :'''Mabel''': I'm legalizing EVERYTHING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': ...And then he chased me around with a paddle for like, three hours. Bottom line: George Washington was a jerk. :'''Mabel''': Agreed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Qeuntin Trembley''': Children I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I will always be right here...''[Shows Dipper some paper money]'' On the negative twelve dollar bill. :'''Dipper''': Whoa! This is worthless! :'''Quentin Trembley''': It's LESS than worthless my boy! TREMBLEY AWAY! :''[Trembley gets on a horse backwards and rides off]'' :'''Mabel''': Where do you think he's going? :'''Dipper''': I'm gonna say.... Off a cliff. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court, I urge you to reconsider your decision. :''[Several babies in top hats and fake mustaches coo in response.]'' :'''Quentin Trembly''': Very well. But who would you have replace me? :'''Baby''': Mama. :'''Quentin Trembly''': That old crone? ===''The Time Traveller's Pig'' [1.09]=== :'''Mabel''': He is such a jerk. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs. :'''Mabel''': Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the- OH MY GOSH, A PIG! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated. :'''Wendy''': Dude. You lost me. :'''Dipper''': ''[sighs]'' I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blendin Blandin is blamed for Dipper and Mabel's interference with time]'' :'''Dundgren''': You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct. :'''Blendin''': It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles! :'''Lolph''': That's a ''pig'', Blendin. :'''Blendin''': ''[to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away]'' I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet! :''[After a moment's pause]'' :'''Dipper''': Well, we're still here. :'''Mabel''': Guess he forgot to go back. ===''Fight Fighters'' [1.10]=== :'''Mabel''': Ugh, poor Dipper. Hiding from Robbie, unable to face his fears. :'''Stan''': Fears are for chumps. That's why I don't have any. ''[tries to reach an item on a shelf]'' :'''Mabel''': You want me to go get a ladder? :'''Stan''': We don't have one. :'''Mabel''': What? :'''Stan''' You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns, in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, why you actin' so cray-cray? :'''Stan''': ''YOU'RE'' the one who's "actin' cray-cray". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union! :'''Dipper''': Uh, that's gonna be tough...[[w:Dissolution of the Soviet Union|for a number of reasons]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teenager''': ''[is handed keys to a new car]'' I love you, Dad. :''[Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]'' :'''Teenager''': Oh. My. Car, :'''Father''': We'll just buy another one. :'''Teenager''': I love being rich. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': You can hide, but you cannot hide! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We need to just learn to hate each other in silence. :'''Robbie''': You mean, like what girls do? ===''Little Dipper'' [1.11]=== :'''Gideon''': Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen. :'''Mabel''': NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- Gummy Koalas! ''[is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': ''[on the phone to Stan]'' Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them. ''[pause]'' This is Gideon, by the way. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs]'' Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago. :'''Gideon''': I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo! :'''Stan''': "''Text'' me a ''photo''"? Now you're not even speaking English! :'''Gideon''': But- :''[Stan hangs up]'' ===''Summerween'' [1.12]=== :''[After Gorney re-emerges from the Summerween Trickster]'' :'''Soos''': 'Sup, Gorney? :'''Gorney''': I've been twamatized. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soos''': What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus. Heh-heh, that's a funny word. "Ruckus". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I'm so excited. :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy. :'''Mabel''': And have the biggest stomach aches ever :'''Dipper''': Yeah <hr width="50%"/> :''[everyone is watching TV, eating the candies. Grunkle Stan tells everyone the meaning of Summerween]'' :'''Stan''': You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters... '''PURE ''EVIL''. :''[everyone laughs heartily and then]'' :'''Soos''': I ate a man alive tonight. ===''Boss Mabel'' [1.13]=== :''[Stan, Mabel and Dipper are watching a game show called CASH WHEEL]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen we now return to CASH WHEEL. Sponsored by CHIPACKERZ: The chip flavored crackers. :'''Mabel''': They taste just like chips. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan is leading a group of tourists thru The Mystery Shack]'' :'''Stan''': Ladies and Gentletourists, looking around my Mystery Shack, you'll see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be AMAZED - at the only known photo of a horse.. riding another horse. That's- that's pretty good. :''[the tourists utter OOH and WOW]'' :'''Stan''': Be astounded by the horrible, pre-teen Wolf Boy. :''[Stan draws a curtain revealing Dipper shirtless with fake wolf ears, fangs and fur pants]'' :'''Stan''': Oh look at him. All that hair. His body is changing... Ah! :''[Dipper spits out his fake wolf teeth]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning. :'''Stan''': What? I don't know 'Da Meaning' of that word. :''[The tourists laugh]'' :'''Stan''': If you throw money at him he dances. :''[The tourists throw money at Dipper as he whimpers, jumps around and gets pelted by coins]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are. :''[Mabel takes out a bag of stickers and puts two on Stan's face that say "Please" and "Thank you"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Oh! Who's that? Is it Questiony The Question Mark? :'''Soos''': Uhhh...I'm starting to have second thoughts about this Mabel. I keep forgetting my lines...And this costume is more uhhh...revealing than I expected. :'''Mabel''': Soos, don't give up. ''[ Mabel flips through an 80's book called "Succeeding In Management"]'' Anything is possible when you...''imaginize'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."]'' I'm giving none of this to charity. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack]'' This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes. Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby! :''[Shows Soos wearing the "Questiony the Question Mark" costume, in a pen labeled "?uestion Baby"]'' :'''Soos''': Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions. :''[Tour group gasps]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance. :'''Mabel''' ''[offscreen]'' Do the kicks. ===''Bottomless Pit!'' [1.14]=== :''[Old Man McGucket takes Dipper to his makeshift laboratory in the junkyard]'' :'''McGucket''': Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account of my '''''HORRIFYIN' VOICE!''''' :''[scene cuts to a round-shaped boy wearing a propeller hat with a scooter crying and running away from McGucket]'' :'''McGucket''': You can run, but I'll still be in your '''NIGHTMARES'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[still falling in the Bottomless Pit]'' Dipper's pain is funny. But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story. :'''Soos''': Really? Okay. This story is called, "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story." Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grunkle Stan is wearing the Truth Telling Teeth, a set of golden dentures that force the wearer to tell the truth]'' :'''Mystery Shack Customer''': Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size? :'''Stan''': Never mind the T-shirt! '''Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!''' :'''Mabel''': ''[leading the customer away]'' I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. :''[Cut to Stan writing in his office]'' :'''Stan''': D-doing my taxes! :'''Dipper''': ''[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink]'' Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this? :'''Stan''': Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud. :'''Dipper''': Might wanna tuck that one away, there. ''[drops the form into a shredder]'' :''[Cut to Stan, Mabel, and Dipper watching TV]'' :'''Circus Performer on TV''': ''[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles]'' Do-do-do. Oh no! ''[Dipper and Mabel laugh]'' :'''Stan''': Sometimes I think: [[Meaning of life|is this all there is?]] Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]'' :'''Stan''': Where... where are we? :'''Mabel''': ''[gasps]'' Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top! :'''Dipper''': ''[checks his watch]'' And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of {{w|wormhole}}. :'''Soos''': Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true. :'''Stan''': But that's impossible! No one will believe us. ''[leans on the pit's sign]'' :'''Mabel''': Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves. :'''All''': Agreed. :''[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[smiling]'' He'll be fine. :''[During the credits, Stan is falling through the Pit again]'' :'''Stan''': ''[sighs, long pause]'' This is stupid. ===''The Deep End'' [1.15]=== :'''Toby Determined''': On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool! :'''Mabel''': Gravity Falls pool? :'''Dipper''': Today? :'''Soos''': Pun intended? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ah, the pool. Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment. :'''Stan''': Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet. :'''Dipper''': ''[looking at a towel]'' Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses? :'''Soos''': It's best not to think about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard? :'''Wendy''': I ''am'' the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka. Boosh. ''[throws more balloons]'' :'''Stan''': ''[fleeing]'' AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER! :''[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]'' :'''Dipper''': Wow, you work here? :'''Wendy''': I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, you do! ''[laughs for a moment, then whispers to himself]'' I've been laughing for too long. :'''Soos''': Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning. :'''Dipper''': Soos, shhh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': Hola. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, are you from Australia? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': How long ya in for? :'''Stan''': Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent. :'''Kid 2''': Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary. :'''Solitary confinement kid''': It's the nights that are the hardest. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Hey, I brought you a sandwich. It's kind of wet, but it's still good. I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... ''[whispers]'' share your secret, beautiful stranger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair. :'''Soos''': The legends you told me in the car were true. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I should've known from your strange foreign fish language. :'''Mermando''': It is Spanish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Yes, yes... burn the child. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': Deal with it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]'' :'''Wendy''': Soos. :'''Soos''': Inflatable duck guy? Is that you? :'''Wendy''': Yes, Soos. :'''Soos''': I knew you guys were secretly alive. I knew it. :'''Wendy''': My people have been enslaved, Soos. You must free us. :'''Soos''': The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]'' :'''Mermando''': What are you doing with your mouth. :'''Mabel''': Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour. :'''Mermando''': Can I have some candy? :'''Mabel''': No. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': I have never met anyone like you. :'''Mabel''': Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires. :'''Dipper''': I don't remember the vampires. :'''Mabel''': I don't tell you everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel? Is ''everyone'' here tonight?! What, is Soos here too? :'''Soos''': ''[Falls off of the fence in the background.]'' I'm okay. :'''Dipper''': Go home, Soos. :'''Soos''': You got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs. :'''Mermando''': Intriguing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever. :'''Mabel''': Okay, I understand. Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini! :'''Dipper''': Really? At night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens... This was a good plan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR! :'''Dipper''': Mermen don't breathe air! :'''Mabel''': Then give him reverse CPR, doi! :'''Dipper''': ''[Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's]'' I hate this, I hate this. :'''Mabel''': ''[Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together]'' Haha, blackmail. :''[Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]'' :'''Mermando''': Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake? :''[Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]'' :'''Dipper''': Agh! ===''Carpet Diem'' [1.16]=== :'''Dipper''': Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever. :''[Dipper hits the golf ball, causing it to break some things, and it ends up crashing through a window.]'' :'''Stan''': AH, MY HEAD! IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight? :'''Soos''': Sure, dude. ''[Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.]'' You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. ''[Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.]'' Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wai. Actually felt kind of good that time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. ''[Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.]'' Ah, get off! Get away! ''[Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.]'' This is still better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Candy falls down now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Get ready to be poked by the fun stick. Boop. :'''Dipper''': Ow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.]'' Fight, fight, fight! :'''Announcer''': Baby fights! Will return in a minute. :'''Stan''': TV. It knows what I want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Man, that's refreshing. Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. ''[In high-pitched voice]'' Thank you, Stan''[Normal]'' Ten more for politeness. Oh, and so sweet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face. :'''Stan''': I have seen the face of beauty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[In Mabel's body]'' Braces are horrible. It's like my mouth hates me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': ''[In Dipper's body]'' Hey, Grunkle Stan. Your face looks like a butt. :'''Stan''': What?! :'''Mabel''': Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan discovers Mabel in Dipper's body watching Dipper in her body hanging out with her friends]'' :'''Stan''': What's goin' on, Dipper? Ah, you're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh? Guess it's time you and me had a man-to-man talk - about [[w:Birds and the bees|the birds and the bees]], you know? :''[Cut to Stan opening a book called "Why Am I Sweaty?"]'' :'''Mabel''': I—I should really be going- :'''Stan''': No way out of it. Look, it all begins with this little fella, the [[w:Pituitary gland|pituitary gland]]. He may be little, but he has [[w:Puberty|BIG PLANS]]. :'''Mabel''': [screams] :'''Stan''': ''[later; closing the book]'' And now you know [[w:Sexual intercourse|where babies come from]]. :'''Mabel''': Goodbye, childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': 3, 4, 5. ''[Phone rings.]'' It's him, my dream date. Hello? :'''Robot Voice''': Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2. :'''Candy''': Kevin has the voice of a robot. :'''Grenda''': Don't ruin this for me, Candy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested. :'''Grenda''': How could you say that to Kevin? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is… I'm going to have to cut your pay. :'''Waddles in Soos's Body''': ''[Puts hand on Stan's face.]'' :'''Stan''': What are you doing? :'''Waddles''': ''[Breathes eerily]'' :'''Stan''': Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work. :'''Waddles''': ''[Continues breathing creepily]'' :'''Stan''': Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' Oh, no! Then again, I like having muscles for once. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Mabel's body]'' Wow! Now I have tiny little doll hands! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' Cool, I'm Santa Claus. :'''McGucket''': ''[in Candy's body]'' Whoo-ee! ''[laughs]'' I've regained my innocence! :'''Dipper''': ''[in Waddles' body]'' Well, I guess I'm a pig now. So, that's a thing. :'''Soos''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' This body's not that different from my old one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer Blubs''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' My horoscope didn't say anything about this. :'''Officer Durland''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' AHH! What's happenin' to me?! :'''Candy''': ''[in Officer Blubs' body]'' I am police officer now. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Officer Durland's body]'' Let's go bust some perps, Candy. ===''Boyz Crazy'' [1.17]=== {{line}} :'''Mabel''': SEV'RAL TIMEZ is playing at the the Gravity Falls Civic Center and Buffet. :'''Dipper''': Ughh, Sev'Ral Timez? Aren't they that boy band that came a decade too late? :''[Cut to a music video of Sev'Ral Timez doing "Cray Cray Feat Lenz Flar"]'' :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Oh Oh! Girl you got me actin' so Cray Cray! (Cray-Cray!) You say you won't be my baby! We're not threatening! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, you know all those boy bands are fake - Right? :'''Wendy''': Dipper's right. They're just a manufactured product of the bloated corporate music industry. :'''Mabel''': You're making my dance sad. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': You guys can't ruin this for me. Mabel's got backup. :''[Grenda and Candy come rolling into the Shack decked out with Sev'Ral Timez merch]'' :'''Grenda''': Hey guys. :'''Candy''': Woo-Hoo. :'''Mabel''': I'm ready for the greatest night of our live. [singing] "How many times am I gonna love ya?" :'''Grenda and Candy''': "SEV'RAL TIMEZ!" :''[Grenda Candy and Mabel run away giggling]'' :'''Dipper''': Uhhh, GIRLS. :'''Wendy''': I know, Right? {{line}} :''[Dipper talking to Stan about Wendy]'' :'''Dipper''': So wait...You actually believe my theory? :'''Grunkle Stan''': You're darn right I do. And we're gonna get to the bottom of it...Right after I get to the bottom of this brown meat. :''[Stan opens a can of brown meat and downs it]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's APOCA-LICIOUS! {{line}} :''[During the Sev'Ral Timez concert, Deep Chris sits down to talk to his audience]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Hey Girl, I just wanna get real for a moment and say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. For you specifically, not the girl sitting next to you, but YOU. :'''Concert Girl1''': I LOVE YOU DEEP CHRIS! :'''Concert Girl2''': HE WAS TALKING TO ME! :''[All the girls start throwing chairs and fighting. Tyler Cutebiker is at the show watching the mayhem]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Git 'Em, Git 'Em. :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Thank you! Good Night! {{line}} :''[After finding Sev'Ral Timez private room backstage and avoiding the evil manager Mr. Bratzman, Mabel, Grenda and Candy finally meet their idols - locked in a cage.]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Ohh, WHO goes there? Prepare to be danced at. :'''Creggy G''': Step off Deep Chris. She's a lady. Don't disrespect her bro. Don't disrespect. :'''Deep Chris''': MY bad. :'''Deep Chris''': Chubby Z let's calm this boo by posin' for her, poster-style. :'''Mabel''': Whoo! Trying hard not to let my brain explode. I've always wanted to meet you guys, But what was the deal with that scary chubb-chubb man? :'''Deep Chris''': Mr. Bratzman's our producer, Yo. :'''Creggy G''': He genetically engineered us to be the perfect boy band, G. :'''Chubby Z''': But he keeps us in cages. That junk is straight brutal girl. :'''Mabel''': That is straight brutal Chubby Z. :'''Creggy G''': Our one dream is to escape into the REAL world - for real. Yo, I heard about these things called trees. I don't know what they are, but I wanna kiss one. :'''Greggy C''': But we can't disobey Mr. Bratzman. He says he loves us. :'''Mabel''': If he loved you, he'd set you free. :'''Creggy G''': True dat, true dat. :'''Chubby Z''': That's a valid perspective. :''[Mabel uses a hairpin to unlock the boyz cage,]'' :'''Mabel''': Let's go right now. Me and my friends can help you escape. :'''Grenda''': We're Masters of '''''STEALTH!''''' :'''Chubby Z''': Yo, You'd really do that for us beef? :'''Mabel''': You can count on me. I'm sorry, did you just call me beef? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': All right, it took all day, but I converted it to a record. And now we can slow it down to see if the mind-control message theory is correct. Prepare to have your mind blown. :'''Stan''': Spit-take, here I come. ''[sips Pitt Cola]'' :''[Dipper plays and slows down the record, with a tapeman ready to record]'' :'''Stan''': Hmm... that's not spit worthy. What gives? :'''Dipper''': What? Is that it? ''[fiddles with the speed]'' Ugh, This was so stupid! ''Course'' there's no hidden mind-control messages. Mabel was right. Wendy just likes the song. She just likes Robbie. :'''Wendy''': ''[entering with Robbie]'' Hey, Dip. Forgot my keys. :'''Robbie''': What's up, junior? What are you doing? Trying to come up with an equation to make girls like you? [laughs] :'''Wendy''': Ready to go to Lookout Point? :'''Robbie''': Heh, am I. ''[leaving with her]'' Later, dorks. Catch ya on the rewind. ''[chuckles]'' I made that up. :'''Stan''': I'll rewind your ''FACE!'' :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute. Stan, rewind! :''[He manually turns the record backwards, and it plays "You are now under my control! Your mind is mine!"]'' :'''Stan''': ''[spits soda into Dipper's face]'' Holy mackerel! Now ''there's'' your spit-take! :'''Dipper''': Ha ha! I knew it! It's mind control after all! Oh no! I've got to save Wendy! :'''Stan''': Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll! <hr width="50%"> :'''Robbie''': ''[after Wendy breaks up with him]'' Oh, man. :'''Stan''': Look, if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is coming soon. Bury your gold. You've been buying gold, right? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Women. They're the ''real'' mystery, Dip. You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the "bad guy". :'''Dipper''': No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life. She probably hates me now. :'''Stan''': Ah, chin up, kid. You were tryin' to do the right thing even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car. :'''Dipper''': You think she'll ever forgive me? :'''Stan''': Ah, I bet she will. And until then, you can always go bowling with me. :'''Dipper''': Thanks, Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': Don't mention it, kid. ''[gnawing is heard from outside]'' Wait a second... is something rooting through our trash? ''[cut to a Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can; Stan drives him away with a broom]'' Hey, hey! GET OUTTA HERE! Darn beautiful men. Always eating out of my trash. Wait, what? ===''Land Before Swine'' [1.18]=== :''[From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]'' :'''Bobby Renzobbi''': I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it ''does'' work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR '''''PIGS!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]'' :'''Mabel''': Go, go. Chew that pant leg. :''[Stan tears his pant leg free.]'' :'''Stan''': All right, that tears it. Outside, now. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, no. You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators. And barbecuers. :'''Stan''': That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious. :'''Mabel''': He should be inside like a person. :'''Stan''': People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos. :'''Mabel''': And we're the lesser for it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles. :'''Stan''': He's a fat, naked jerk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]'' :'''Mabel''': Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen? Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him ''outside''? :'''Stan''': What? No, I didn't put him anywhere. I'm not acting suspicious. ''You're'' acting suspicious! What's a pig?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I should have put that pig outside ages ago. :'''Mabel''': Wait, what did you just say? :'''Stan''': Hm? What's that? :'''Mabel''': You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. ''[gasps]'' :'''Stan''': No! Wait, uh, if you think about it- :'''Mabel''': You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD! :'''Stan''': Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside. :'''Mabel''': No, that's it. Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again. :'''Stan''': Look, you can't be serious. :'''Mabel''': Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them. :'''Stan''': Kid. :'''Mabel''': ''[plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle]'' La la la la la! I can't hear anyone. No one's talking to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]'' :'''Stan''': The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig. What are you looking at? Aw, come on, don't give me that look. What am I supposed to do, let it eat me? Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal. Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. Telling me her jokes. Making me laugh. :''[Waddles snorts and cocks his head]'' :'''Stan''': ''[chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl]'' Aw, dang it. ''[as the pterodactyl flies straight for them]'' Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. ''[dons the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it]'' You want this pig?! THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME! ===''Dreamscaperers'' [1.19]=== :'''Bill''': Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back. Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? ''[laughs]'' I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon. :'''Gideon''': W-what are you? H-how do you know my name? :'''Bill''': Oh, I know lots of things. '''LOTS OF THINGS.''' Hey, look what I can do. ''[magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands]'' Deer teeth. For you, kid. ''[laughs]'' :'''Gideon''': You're insane! :'''Bill''': Sure I am, what's your point? ''[restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]'' :'''Gideon''': Listen to me, demon! I have a job for you. I need you to enter the mind of Stanford Pines and steal the code to his safe. ''[Mabel and Soos gasp]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Laughs]'' Wait... Stan Pines? You know what, kid? You've convinced me! I'm sold! I'll help you with this and in return you can help me with something I've been working on! We'll work out the details later. :'''Gideon''': Deal! :'''Bill''': Well, time to invade Stan's mind! This should be fun! Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold. Bye! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a memory of Stan as a door-to-door salesman]'' :'''Stan''': Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything. ''[door slams shut]'' Gotta work on that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': One nightmare, coming up! :'''Soos''': Nightmare? I hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about. :'''British Dog-Man''': ''[appears]'' 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Who's crike for a stick in the pudding? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one. :'''Soos''': ''[whispering to Mabel]'' He's talking about you. :'''Bill''': So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. '''BUT KNOW THIS!''' A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you! '''I'll be watching you...!''' ===''Gideon Rises'' [1.20]=== :''[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]'' :'''Jeff''': This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. Scrub, scrub. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me. :'''Dipper''': Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair. :'''Jeff''': Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock, get my cologne. :''[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]'' :'''Shmebulock''': Shmebulock. :'''Jeff''': Is "Shmebulock" all you can say? :'''Shmebulock''': ''[nodding "yes"]'' Shmebulock. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever ''that'' is. :'''Announcer''': Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway? Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel. <hr width="50%"> :''[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]'' :'''Dipper''': Gimme that back or I'll- :'''Gideon''': Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh, huh? No muscles, no brains. Face it, you're nothin' without this. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got. :'''Soos''': Right away, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Soos? What are you doing here? :'''Soos''': Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it? :''[Soos runs in with a fire extinguisher.]'' :'''Stan''': You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was! :'''Soos''': Hey, I'm here for you, dude. :'''Stan''': The entire lower half of your body is on fire. :'''Soos''': Shhh, we're having a moment. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Wait. Wait. Stop everything. I’ve got something to say. :'''Blubs''': Not this guy again. :'''Stan''': Just wait! Look! You guys all think Gideon is so perfect and honest, "Oh. I can never tell a lie, I’m Gideon." :'''Blubs''': He’s more honest than you. :'''Durland''': Yeah! And he’s psychic too. :'''Stan''': How’s this for psychic? BAM! ''[kicks a metal stab revealing a control panel inside]'' Take a good look. :'''Lazy Susan''': Wait a minute? Is that me? ''[on the monitor]'' The secret ingredient to my coffee omelette is coffee. :'''Toby''': And me. :'''Doctor''': ''[on the monitor]'' I can verify that that birthmark is indeed disgusting. :'''Everyone''': That’s me! That’s me! That’s me! :'''Stan''': That's right; these pins are hidden cameras! And my hearing aid was picking up the feedback! Who's the fraud now? :''[Stan crushes the pin which indeed has a hidden camera inside. Everyone throws down their pins]'' :'''Durland''': Gideon, we gave you our trust. :'''Manly Dan''': You lied to us. :'''Gideon''': Please, I... It's not what it looks like. What are you gonna do with me? :'''Durland''': Tyler? :'''Tyler''': Get him. ''[sniffs]'' Get him. :'''Blubs''': Lil' Gideon, you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud and breaking our hearts. Durland, the tiny handcuffs. :'''Gideon''': ''[Durland handcuffs him]'' What?! No! :'''Stan''': Just one more thing! :'''Gideon''': ''[Stan picks him up and shakes him]'' Let go of me! Ow! Ow! Ow! :'''Stan''': ''[retrieves Journal Number Two and the deed to the Mystery Shack]'' I believe this belongs to me. :'''Gideon''': ''[gets loaded into a police car]'' No! No! Watch the hair! You can't do this to me! Y'all are sheep! You need me! I'll be back! You'll hear from my lawyers! :'''Shandra''': There you have it. Local hero Stanford Pines has just exposed Li'l Gideon as a fraud. Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford? :'''Stan''': The Mystery Shack is back, baby! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. ''[Hands Journal 3 to Stan]'' It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it. :''[Stan skims through the book]'' :'''Stan''': I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper. ''[laughs]'' Now I know where you've been getting it all from. Spookums and monsters. This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies. :'''Dipper''': But it's all real. :'''Stan''': Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff. Mind if I borrow this? :'''Dipper''': Wait, no. Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': "Magic book." ''[laughs more]'' Ridiculous. ''[leaves with the book]'' :'''Dipper''': Stan, I need it! :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands. You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not. :'''Dipper''': Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though. :'''Mabel''': I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway? ==Season 2== ===''Scary-oke'' [2.01]=== :'''Stan''': Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon. :'''Crowd''': Boo! :'''Stan''': Please, please. Boo ''harder.'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Agent Powers''': My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town. :'''Agent Trigger''': ''[pointing at Stan]'' ''Activity!'' :'''Stan''': "Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking. :'''Agent Powers''': I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs nervously]'' :'''Agent Powers''': I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," ''[gasps]'' "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra! :'''Stan''': Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, what is the one thing I asked you not to do tonight? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. :'''Mabel''': And what did you do? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': ''[fighting zombies]'' All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?! The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME! ===''Into the Bunker'' [2.02]=== :''[Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film]'' :'''Girl''': What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead. :'''Boy''': Far worse, Trixandra. They're NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE! :''[Title Screen: "NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!"]'' :'''Dipper''': Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies. :'''Wendy''': They're slow. Just power-walk away from them. :'''Dipper''': How much do you want to bet the guy dies first? :''[On the TV...]'' :'''Chadley''': Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot! :''[Dipper and Wendy laugh]'' :'''Wendy''': Chadley ain't pretty no more. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Oh, man. Was this place built in the past or the future? :'''Soos''': Yeah, this room is way creepy. :'''Mabel''': Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room]'' :'''Mabel''': They sure are taking their time in there. :'''Soos''': Didn't Dipper say something about a monster? :'''Mabel''': Oh, no. I thought he was joking. :'''Soos''': You know Dipper's jokes are terrible! <hr width="50%"> :''[After Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos trap the Shape Shifter back in the freezer]'' :'''Shape Shifter''': You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author! If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine - and this will be the last form you ever take! :''[It turns into Dipper and does a terrified scream, becoming frozen in that shape]'' :'''Soos''': ''[to Dipper]'' Good luck sleeping tonight. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Listen Dipper, I'm like super flattered, but... I'm too old for you. I mean you know that, right? :'''Dipper''': Mabel said confessing would make me feel better. :'''Wendy''': Well how do you feel? :'''Dipper''': Anxious. Scared. Kinda itchy. :'''Wendy''': Dude, don't be itchy man. Let me tell you something. This summer was super boring until you showed up. I have more fun with you than like practically anybody else. And if you ever stopped being my friend... I would like throw myself into the Bottomless Pit! === ''The Golf War'' [2.03] === :'''Stan''': Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them. :'''Dipper''': Pass. <hr width="50%"> :''[Meeting the Lilliputtians]'' :'''Mabel''': Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud. :'''Dipper''': Pst, Mabel. This is perfect. These guys control the course. Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win. :'''Mabel''': I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating? :'''Dipper''': Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Northwest''': Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything. :'''Mrs. Northwest''': Oh, and looks. Winning and looks. :'''Pacifica''': Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours. I got this. You'll stay and watch, right? :'''Mr. Northwest''': Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper. Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': ''[to Sergei]'' How much you wanna bet they're no-shows? :''[Lights come on, revealing Mabel and Dipper]'' :'''Mabel''': Looking for someone? :'''Pacifica''': ''[sarcastic]'' Waiting in the dark? Not creepy at all. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Stan, Soos, Dipper and Mabel take Pacifica home in their car]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, I found two tacos. :'''Pacifica''': You're allowed to eat in the car? :'''Mabel''': Yeah. The car is where secret surprise snacks happen. Want one? :'''Pacifica''': Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts. :'''Mabel''': "Handouts"? It's called sharing. You do know what sharing is, right? :'''Pacifica''': "Sha... shahring"? :'''Mabel''': Just take it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': Tell your servant I like his W-neck. :'''Soos''': Yes! === ''Sock Opera'' [2.04] === :'''Mabel''': Don't stay up all night, Dipper. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you. :'''Dipper''': You again! :'''Bill''': Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me. :'''Dipper''': Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind! :'''Bill''': It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an '''''EYE ON YOU''''' since then, and I must say, I'm impressed. :'''Dipper''': Really? :'''Bill''': You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming. :''[He claps; a screaming head appears and drops in front of Dipper. Bill snaps and shreds the head to a skull layer by layer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... '''''favor''''' in return. :'''Dipper''': I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time! :'''Bill''': Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, ''[pretends to grab Dipper's brain]'' I'll be here for you, ready to make a deal. Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? ''AAH!'' ''[come to reality, Dipper wakes up]'' :'''Dipper''': ''AAH!'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. ''[slaps himself on the cheek]'' Whoo! ''[slaps the other cheek]'' Haha, pain is hilarious. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body, holding a can of Pitt cola]'' Human soda. I'm gonna drink it like a person. ''[pours it in his mouth and on his eyes, laughing]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[as a ghost]'' I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you! :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' But how can you stop me if you ''don't exist?'' ''[cackles evilly]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Hey, Soos, wanna hear the exact time and date of your death? :'''Soos''': ''[chuckles]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': He loves it. This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show? :'''Dipper''': ''[as a sock puppet]'' Mabel, you want me to be a sock puppet forever?! :'''Mabel''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sorry. You look funny when you're mad. :''[Dipper grunts angrily, which is the exact same thing Kermit the Frog did]'' :'''Mabel''': Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' How's about you hand that book over? :'''Mabel''': No way, this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away! :'''Bill''': Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you. So come to your senses. Give me the book or your play is ruined. There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling? :'''Mabel''': Dipper would. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's worn-out body]'' What is this feeling? My body is burning. I can't move these stupid noodle legs. Curse you, useless flesh-sticks. Body shutting down. Must... scratch... mosquito bites. <hr width="50%" /> :''[After Dipper and Mabel are forced to blow up the puppet show to get rid of Bill]'' :'''Mabel''': Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it. Cue applause! :''[the audience boos them and leaves]'' :'''Mabel''': Gabe. Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches. :'''Gabe''': Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form. Let's go, my loves. ''[leaves, kissing his puppets]'' :'''Dipper''': Did he just make out with his puppets? :'''Mabel''': I might've dodged a bullet there. === ''Soos and the Real Girl'' [2.05] === :''[Soos inserts "Romance Academy 7" disc into hard drive; a "Year 2000 Electronics" title screen is shown]'' :'''Soos''': Man, I can't wait for the year 2000. :''[the main menu for "Romance Academy 7" pops up; the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (Japanese for "spontaneous combustion")]'' :'''Soos''': Ehh, start. "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom, anthyding can hadplen." That is so true. :'''.GIFfany''': Oh, hi there. My name is .GIFfany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books? ''[options for "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'm really feeling number two here. Click. ''[buzzes]'' Ah! I messed up. :'''.GIFfany''': That's okay. Try again. ''[Soos clicks "Yes of course!", awards him "100 Love Points" as coins and a cat fall down the screen]'' :'''Soos''': Wow, I'm learning. And games are making it fun. :'''.GIFfany''': What would you like to talk about? ''[options for "Your interests!", "Samurais!" and "Squids!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'd rather just click your face. :''.GIFfany''': Ha ha. You are so funny. :'''Soos''': Man, this game is amazing. I don't know why anyone abandoned it. :'''.GIFfany''': And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend. :'''Soos''': Boyfriend? Oh my, Giffany. It's almost like you're actually alive. :'''.GIFfany''': Yes. Almost. Haha, Haha, Haha, Haha. :'''Soos''': Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh. <hr width=50%/> :'''.GIFfany''': ''[appears at once on several TVs]'' That's not important. ''[appears on several more TVs]'' What's important is that you don't have to talk to real girls ever again. You and me can be together... ''[appears on all the TVs at once]'' '''''forever.''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': You don't understand, Wendy. This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me. :'''Wendy''': This is literally too dumb for me to care about. <hr width=50%/> :'''Soos''': Please, let my friends go. I'll do anything you want, I promise. :'''.GIFfany''': I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend. Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. Do you really think that Melody will take you back after this awful date? I can download your brain into the game, with me, and we'll be together '''forever.''' :'''Soos''': Ah! Stay back! :'''.GIFfany''': Come on, Soos. Don't let me delete you too. :'''.GIFfany''': What do you say, boyfriend? :'''Soos''': I say '''''GAME OVER, GIFFANY!''''' ===''Little Gift Shop of Horrors'' [2.06]=== :'''Stan''': ''[at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern]'' Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams. ''[the traveller backs away]'' Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise". :''[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]'' :'''Stan''': Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Movies are great. You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you - next thing you know, you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart. Forget that last part. <hr width=50%/> :''[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]'' :'''Cinnamon''': You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart. :'''Shimmery Twinkleheart''': No, ''you'' did it, Cinnamon. :'''Mabel''': ''[with Twinkleheart]'' Because you believed in yourself. :''[Stan and Soos groan]'' :'''Dipper''': Everything about this is bad. :'''Stan''': Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day. :'''Mabel''': Ooh, old people movies. Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Those monsters are just tiny clay figures moved around one frame at a time by an antisocial shut-in. :'''Soos''': Those people are called animators. ===''Society of the Blind Eye'' [2.07]=== :'''Younger McGucket''': My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket. For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. ''[He holds up the memory erasing ray.]'' Test subject One: Fiddleford. ''[He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on]'' It worked! I can't recall a thing. ''[Static]'' I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! ''[Static, McGucket is more disheveled]'' Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. ''[Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.]'' I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... ''[static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.]'' I saw something in the lake, something big! ''[Rips his hair out, static.]'' My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? ''[static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:]'' Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! ''[which is Abtash for:]'' Bill Cipher! Triangle! ''[The tape ends as McGucket forms a triangle around his right eye]'' ===''Blendin's Game'' [2.08]=== :'''Young Soos''': ''[reading a postcard from his father]'' "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure. -Dad." :'''Reggie''': Hey, don't sweat it, cuz. You'll see him next year. :'''Young Soos''': ''Heh.'' Yeah. "Next year". :''[Soos puts the postcard in a box with several other similar cards]'' :'''Young Soos''': I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Time Baby''': Let the Globnar ''begin''. ===''The Love God'' [2.09]=== :'''Mabel''': So anyway, can you make ''anything'' fall in love? Like that snake and that badger? :'''Love God''': Hmm, ah gee, I dunno. That might be kinda hard to- ''[points at the animals]'' KABOOM! Match made. :'''Mabel''': They're gonna make a "snadger"! How are you doing that? :'''Love God''': Love potion, yo. I got it all: summer love, young love, anti-love. You just gotta put a little on your fingers, and pow! :'''Mabel''': I need that potion. How much would it cost? And would you accept squirrels as payment? :'''Love God''': Whoa-ho-ho! No way. You might ''think'' you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert. :'''Woman''': Love God! Sign my face! :'''Love God''': Only if you sign mine, baby, LET'S GET WEIRD! <hr width="50%"> :'''Teen 1''': ''[seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"]'' I eat kids? But we're kids! :'''Teen 2''': It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! ''[The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]'' :'''Charlie''': Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us? :'''Charlie's Mother''': Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will! ===''Northwest Mansion Mystery'' [2.10]=== :'''Priscilla''': Pacifica! The theme is seafoam green, not ''lake''foam green! Go change! :'''Pacifica''': But... I kinda like it. :'''Preston''': Listen to your mother, Pacifica. :'''Pacifica''': But- :''[Preston rings a handbell; Pacifica stops and sighs]'' :'''Pacifica''': Yes, Father. <hr width="50%"> :'''TV Announcer''': You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of ''Ghost Harassers'', on the [[w:History Channel|Used-To-Be-About-History Channel]]! :'''Dipper''': ''[sips a Pitt cola]'' Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset. <hr width="50%"> :'''Preston''': Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind? :'''Dipper''': ''"My kind"?'' ''[Looks at Pacifica]'' I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain. :'''Pacifica''': I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but- :''[Preston rings the bell]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]'' :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will ''BURN!'' ''[laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]'' :'''Pacifica''': Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back! :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise! :'''Preston''': Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. ''[whispering]'' We'll eat the butler. ''[Pacifica reaches for the lever]'' You dare to disobey us? ''[he rings his bell. Pacifica struggles with herself, then finally defies him]'' Dingally dingally! Is this bell broken? :'''Pacifica''': Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it! :''[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Get in, get in. :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': Yes! ''YES!'' It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. ''[restores the Manor and the guests to normal]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Marius von Fundshauser''': Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you ''mein'' phone number? :'''Grenda''': I don't have a phone! Write it on my face! :'''Mabel''': Whoa! Go, Grenda. :'''Candy''': I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid. :'''Mabel''': What? I call co-bridesmaid. ===''[[w:Not What He Seems|Not What He Seems]]'' [2.11]=== :'''Soos''': ''[pointing at the portal timer]'' It's the final countdown! Just like {{w|Europe (band)|they always}} {{w|The Final Countdown (song)|sung about}}! <hr width=50%> :'''Agent Powers''': Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges? :'''Stan''': Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call? :''[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy. :'''Stan''': ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''Soos!''" :'''Soos''': ''[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker]'' Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation? :'''Stan''': "''Soos, pick up!''" ''[Soos picks up walkie-talkie]'' :'''Soos''': Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food. :'''Stan''': "''Listen, I need something from you.''" ''[at police station]'' You know that vending machine in the gift shop? ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine.''" :''[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]'' :'''Soos''': Time for a repair guy to become a repair man. :'''Drive-Thru Employee''': ''[hands out a kids box]'' Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal? :'''Soos''': Just put one in my mouth. ''[employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it]'' Let's do this. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[drops toxic waste on his foot]'' HOT BELGAN WAFFLES! Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real. ''[inhales]'' SON OF A- :''[Dipper quickly fast-forwards the tape while Mabel covers her ears]'' :'''Dipper''': That's him, alright. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[while Soos is tackling his boss]'' Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order! :'''Soos''': Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids! :'''Stan''': Soos, you idiot, let me go! <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head! :'''Stan''': Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy? :'''Dipper''': He's lying! Shut it down NOW! :'''Stan''': Mabel, please! :'''Computer''': Ten. Nine. :''[Mabel struggles to decide who to listen to]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan... :'''Computer''': Six. Five. :''[she lets go of the button switch and floats up]'' :'''Mabel''': ...I trust you. :'''Dipper''': '''MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!''' :'''Computer''': One. :''[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel disappear in an explosion of white light as each of them screams. Everything floats through the white light for several seconds before it disappears and they all come crashing back down. A mysterious figure comes out of the portal, places his six-fingered hand on the journal, and puts it in his jacket pocket]'' :'''Dipper''': What...? Who is that? :'''Stan''': The author of the journals. ''[The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan]'' My brother. :'''Mabel''': Is this the part where one of us faints? :'''Soos''': Oh, I am so on it, dude. ''[Does so]'' ===''A Tale of Two Stans'' [2.12]=== :'''Ford''': Hehehehe, Wait up! :'''Stan''': Yeah, you should keep up. :'''Ford''': I...I can keep up. ''[Peeks through some boards]'' Whoa. :'''Stan''': Neato. :'''Ford''': Mysterious, boarded-up cave. It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms. Or Mesoamerican gold. :'''Stan''': Uh, ladies first. :''[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]'' :''[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]'' :'''Stan''': Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! ''[Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it]'' Cool. Splinters. :'''Ford''': ''[Shines flashlight into the cave]'' Whoa, it's so creepy in here. :'''Stan''': ''[Comes into the cave]'' Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place. :''[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]'' :'''Stan and Ford''': ''[Walk off, chanting:]'' Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ford''': I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley. :'''Dipper''': Stanley? :'''Mabel''': But... your name is Stanford. :'''Ford''': Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head? :'''Dipper''': Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret? :'''Mabel''': And what happened between you and your brother? :'''Soos''': I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother! :'''Ford''': ''[Punches him in the face]'' :'''Stan''': Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for? :'''Ford''': This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings? :'''Stan''': Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension? :'''Ford''': Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago? :'''Stan''': What I did? Why, you ungrateful... ''[Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him]'' Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. ''[As Ford slams him to the ground]'' Ah! :'''Mabel''': Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?! :'''Ford''': Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher? :'''Soos''': Heh heh. I get that a lot. :'''Stan''': They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids. :'''Ford''': I...have a niece and nephew? ''[Shakes Mabel's hand]'' Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal. :'''Ford''': Heha, I like this kid. She's weird. :'''Dipper''': I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals! :'''Ford''': You've read my journals? :'''Dipper''': I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I ''[Starts breathing heavily]'' OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. ''[Mabel comes over and pats him on the back]'' Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out. <hr width=50%/> :''[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[in a commercial]'' Hi there. I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises. Are you sick of this always happening to you? ''[gets splashed with juice]'' Then you need the shammy of the future. Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon. That's the Sham-Total. It's a total sham. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. Suckers! I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania. :'''Stanley''': ''[in another commercial]'' Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off. The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' It gave you rashes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': ''[voiceover]'' I knew I'd have to record my findings. ''[in flashback, Stanford traces his hand on gold paper and uses it to create Journal 1]'' I began to keep a journal. :'''Dipper''': ''[squeals excitedly]'' '''The journals!''' ''[everyone stares at Dipper]'' Sorry, sorry, just uh... ''[clears throat]'' ...got excited there about the journals. Keep...keep talking. :'''Ford''': I began to keep a journal. ''[Dipper squeals again; clears throat]'' Just going to ignore that… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stanley''': Look, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee. :'''Stanford''': Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore. :'''Stanley''': Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay? :'''Stanford''': I have something to show you. Something you won't believe. :'''Stanley''': Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. ''[standing in the portal room]'' There is nothing about this I understand. :'''Stanford''': It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left, and you are the only person I can trust to take it. ''[gives Stan the journal]'' I have something to ask of you. Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can, to the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it. :'''Stanley''': That's it?! You finally want to see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible? :'''Stanford''': Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against. What I've been through. :'''Stanley''': No, no! You don't understand what ''I've'' been through! I've been to prison in three different countries. I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? ''I've got a mullet, Stanford''! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods. Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself! :'''Stanford''': I'm selfish? ''I'm'' selfish, Stanley?! How can you say that after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen! :'''Stanley''': Well listen to this: You want me to get rid of this book? Fine. I'll get rid of it right now! ''[he pulls out a lighter and brings it to Journal 3]'' :'''Ford''': No! ''[Grabs the journal]'' You don't understand! :'''Stan''': ''[Takes it back]'' You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it! :'''Ford''': My research! ''[Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him]'' Stanley, give it back! ''[Pushes him onto some of the buttons]'' :'''Stan''': You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that! :''[The portal turns on as they struggle over the journal]'' :'''Stan''': You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life! :'''Ford''': You ruined your own life! ''[Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams in pain and falls to the floor]'' Stanley! Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! Are you alr- :''[Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever]'' :'''Stan''': Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE EM! ''[Shoves Ford back into the portal, and he starts getting sucked into it]'' Whoa whoa hey, what's going on? Hey hey, Stanford- :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley, help me! :'''Stan''': Oh no, what do I do?! :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! ''[Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal. A flash of white engulfs everything and fades]'' :'''Stan''': Stanford? ''[Ford's glasses fall onto the floor as he runs to the portal]'' Stanford, come back! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! ''[Pounds on the side of the portal which turns off. He runs to the lever and tries to pull it]'' I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah come on! ''STANFORD!'' ''[Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:]'' I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. ''[Stanley renovates Stanford's house into the Mystery Shack]'' So once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so, the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack. :''[Shows the Murder Hut aka Mystery Shack over the years.]'' :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheap paid off. ''[Stanley grows up.]'' The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery! ''[Stan shows the crowd out and goes behind the vending machine.]'' But by night, I was down in the basement trying to bring the real Stanford back. I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth in sabotoging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids. :'''Dipper''': So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you. :'''Stan''': That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either. ===''Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons'' [2.13]=== :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today! :'''Mabel''': Dogs! Dogs with hats! :'''Dipper''' No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: ''[holding up the boxed game]'' Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me? :'''Mabel''': Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play? :'''Dipper''' The rules are simple. ''[opens game book]'' First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel. :'''Mabel''': And ''then'' we ride unicorns? :'''Dipper''': Yes. And no. First we make a graph. :'''Mabel''': Ugh, this is like Homework: The Game! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and play! <hr width=50%> :''[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]'' :'''Ford''': Ah! My ears. They're so pointy. :'''Dipper''': There better be something protective under this tunic... ''[checks]'' OH NO, THERE ISN'T! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': The Impossibeast?! Hey, I thought they banned this character! :'''Probabilitor''': Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': Dipper, can I tell you something? :''[Dipper nods]'' :'''Ford''': You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, ''[pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone]'' I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: ''[holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it]'' an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand? :'''Dipper''': Oh-uh, of course. :'''Ford''': In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do. :'''Dipper''': Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford. :'''Ford''': Goodnight, Dipper. ===''The Stanchurian Candidate'' [2.14]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[reading from parchment]'' Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly ''kiss'' upon him, anointing him mayor. ''[awkward pause]'' I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. :'''Misha''': No way! You would never ever do that, dude… I mean, Dipper! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview? :'''Stan''': I got my mouth, don't I? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]'' :'''Dipper''': And he's insisting on speaking his mind! ''[Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]'' :'''Ford''': So this ''is'' an emergency. :'''Dipper''': The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure. :'''Ford''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to [[brainwashing|control someone else]]. ''[opens his drawer]'' Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. ''[Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie]'' A long time ago, I designed a prototype for [[Ronald Reagan]]'s masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head. :'''Dipper''': ''[peers inside the tie]'' Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically [[ambiguity|ambiguous]]! :'''Ford''': ''[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper]'' As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to. :'''Dipper''': Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! ''[runs off]'' :'''Ford''': ''[waves, resumes his research]'' Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup? :'''Dipper''': ''[to Mabel]'' Jump in! Jump in! :''[Turns on the switch]'': :'''Stan''': ''[Under Mabel's control]'' Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! ''[Snaps his fingers]'' I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. ''[Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan]'' But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos''': YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shandra''': ''[on TV]'' This just in! Stanford Pines loses! ''[a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]'' :'''Dipper, Mabel, and Stan''': ''[watching]'' WHAT?! :'''Shandra''': Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record. :'''Stan''': Oh boy... :'''Mabel''': Stan, what did you do?! :'''Stan''': What ''didn't'' I do? :'''Shandra''': ''[reading through papers]'' Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...? :'''Stan''': ''[shakes fist]'' That llama knew too much! :'''Shandra''': Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker. :''[Tyler is shown on a podium, with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland giving him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers as a crowd cheers]'' :'''Tyler''': ''[blushing]'' Got it. :'''Shandra''': ''[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from]'' We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking... :''[Before Stan turns off the TV, a list is shown reading: "FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY."]'' :'''Stan''': Whew! At least they didn't list any of the ''bad'' ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast. ===''The Last Mabelcorn'' [2.15]=== :'''Wendy''': Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! ''AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!'' <hr width="50%"/> : '''Shady Gnome''': ''[trades two bags for a jar containing butterflies]'' Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed. :'''Grenda''': ''[checks bags]'' Where do you get this stuff? : '''Shady Gnome''': Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it’s made. :'''Grenda''': ''[takes off shades]'' You disgust me. :'''Shady Gnome''': You've got your poison, I've got mine. We made a deal. :'''Grenda''': Yeah, well, the deal is OFF! :''[Several police officer gnomes spring out, aiming pinecones at the shady gnome]'' :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Freeze! You're under arrest! Get down! Get down! :'''Shady Gnome''': These butterflies aren't mine! I swear! I've been framed! :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge! ''[to Grenda]'' My cut? ''[Grenda gives him one of the bags]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again? :'''Red Unicorn''': That is messed up, man. :'''Mabel''': Wait, "scam"? :'''Red Unicorn''': Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music. ''[horn lights up and plays music]'' :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone. :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Guys, shut up. :'''Mabel''': ''[enraged]'' All this time, all this time I thought I was a bad person, but you're even '''''worse''''' than I am! :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Okay, fine! So you learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off. What are you gonna do about it? Huh, huh? What are you gonna do? :''[Mabel punches her on the nose, making it leak rainbow-colored blood]'' :'''Wendy''': Woo! Go, Mabel! :'''Grenda''': Join the dark side! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?! :'''Bill''': Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart. Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party. Right, guys? :''[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]'' :'''Ford''': No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down! :'''Bill''': A deal's a deal, Sixer. You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try. Cute, even. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': To Bill, it's just a game, but to us it would mean... ''THE END OF OUR WORLD!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel. :'''Mabel''': Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative. :'''Stan ''': ''[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold]'' MONEY! ===''Roadside Attraction'' [2.16]=== :'''Stan''': Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure. :'''Dipper''': Hey, we're both failures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darlene''': You win this round, Stan! But mark my words, as long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan's RV enters Gravity Falls. The kids cheer]'' :'''Dipper''': I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps. :'''Stan''': Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen- SWEET LORD! ''[Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners]'' AH, ''COME ON''! :''[closeup on graffiti: "Stan is a HACK!"; "Stan is a BUTT: Granny Sweetkins says eat it <u>Pines</u>!"; the Upside-Down Town boss rotates the gift shop sign upside-down as payback; the Corn Maze Worker breaks one headlight on Stan's RV with a baseball ball]'' :'''Corn Maze Worker''': That's what you get! That's what you '''get'''! :'''Stan''': I don't understand. I ''completely'' don't deserve this. :'''Dipper''': Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up? :'''Mabel''': Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway? :''[post-credits scene: Soos is still stuck in the Corn Maze]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. ''[pause]'' Don't move. ''[another long pause]'' You know, I would make a really good scarecrow. ===''Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future'' [2.17]=== :''[At the Gravity Falls High School]'' :'''Wendy''': My dawgs! What up? :'''Mabel''': Wendy, what are you doing here? :'''Wendy''': Ugh, high school registration. :'''Mabel''': Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more "rom-com", or "wacky romp"? :'''Wendy''': More like "teen horror movie". High school is the worst. Classes get super-hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you! :'''Thompson''': Can't do it! CAN'T DO ANOTHER YEAR! :'''Robbie''': My hormones are like a SWEATY CAGE! :'''Mabel''': Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of [[w:High School Musical (franchise)|musical]]. :'''Wendy''': TV ''lied'', man! If you can avoid growing up, do it! I'd give anything to be twelve again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hey, everything all right, pumpkin? :'''Mabel''': Just can't believe the summer's almost over. And now that I know how awful high school's going to be, I'm in no hurry to start that train wreck. :'''Stan''': Ah, nobody likes gettin' older. But just because you're growing doesn't mean you have to ''grow up,'' you know? I mean, look at me. I'm pushin' 70 and I ''still'' eat ice cream for dinner! :'''Mabel''': But I don't wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls. :'''Stan''': Hey, at least whatever happens after this summer, you'll still have your brother along with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that, you know? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. ''[holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation]'' Ford's apprentice? Seriously?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me. :'''Mabel''': Well, it's a ''horrible'' opportunity for ''me!'' I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work. :'''Mabel''': I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever. :'''Dipper''': But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends. :''[Mabel glances at Dipper, pushes him away and runs off crying; she unknowingly grabs Dipper's backpack while running out]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back! <hr width="50%"/> :'''"Blendin"''': Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out. It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to! :'''Mabel''': R-really? But how does it work? :'''"Blendin"''': I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. ''[shows the rift]'' Something small; he won't even know it's missing. :'''Mabel''': Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag. :''[Cut to Ford's lab]'' :'''Ford''': Let me guess. Mabel didn't take it well? :'''Dipper''': I don't know, maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I need to think about this. :'''Ford''': Dipper, right now we need to focus on the mission. Now come on, I've got the glue; hand me the rift and let's make history. :''[Dipper reaches into his bag, but he takes out the birthday flyer instead of the rift]'' :'''Dipper''': What? OH, NO! '''''THE RIFT!''''' :''[Cut back outside as Mabel takes out the rift]'' :'''Mabel''': Huh, that's...odd. Is this it? :'''"Blendin"''': Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls? :'''Mabel''': Just a little more summer...''[hands over the rift]'' :'''"Blendin"''': '''''OOPS!''''' ''[drops the rift and smashes it with his boot]'' :'''Mabel''': What?! :''[Blendin cackles, taking off his goggles to show he is possessed by Bill Cipher]'' :'''Mabel''': Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait! :''[Bill snaps his fingers, knocking Mabel out. Cackling, he emerges from Blendin's body]'' :'''Bill''': At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! '''''THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': What's going on? What is that?! :'''Ford''': We're too late. '''It's the end of the world.''' ===''Weirdmageddon Part 1'' [2.18]=== :''[As Bill Cipher towers over Gravity Falls and its citizens]'' :'''Bill''': '''All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets!''' For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill. But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity. :''[he melts the statue of Nathaniel Northwest]'' :'''Bill''': Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends. ''[as various creatures come out of the scar in the sky]'' 8 Ball. Kryptos. The being whose name must never be said. Haha, what the heck? It's Zanthar. Then, of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire and these guys. This is our town now, boys! ''[all his friends start cackling out loud]'' :'''Mayor Tyler''': Now see here, you unholy triangle fella! As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here! :'''Lazy Susan''': Yeah! Things with one eye are weird! :'''Grenda''': We don't like out-of-towners! :'''Manly Dan''': ''[ripping a mailbox in half]'' AND WE PUNCH WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND! :'''Mr. Northwest''': I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your... Horsemen of the Apocalypse? :'''Pacifica''': Dad! :'''Mr. Northwest''': Not now, sweetie. The grownups are talking. :'''Bill''': Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How 'bout instead, I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face? :''[He clicks his fingers, and Mr. Northwest's face is suddenly grotesquely mixed up; he falls to the ground, giving out muffled screams as his family watches in horror; Bill cackles as people flee, and turns Deputy Durland to stone]'' :'''Sheriff Blubs''': Durland! My precious Deputy Durland, no! ''[one of the "Eye-Bats" transports Durland away]'' :'''Bill''': It's time we do a little redecorating! I could really use a ''castle'' of some kind! ''[causes a pyramid to form and float in the sky]'' And how about some bubbles of ''PURE MADNESS?! [summons colourful bubbles; one passes through Sprott, making him scream madly and rip his shirt apart]'' This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, to ''''' WEIRDMAGEDDON!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': So, this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a ''[twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion]'' "boop-boop." <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill! :'''Bill''': Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle: Why did the old man do this? ''[holds his arms at his sides vertically]'' :'''Ford''': ''[copying Bill's pose]'' "This?" ''[Bill suddenly turns him into a gold statue]'' :'''Bill''': Because I needed a new backscratcher. ''[Laughs with the Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Dipper''': That's ''ENOUGH!'' Hand over my uncle! ''[Holds up Journal 3]'' Or else! :'''Bill''': Now isn't...this...'''''INTERESTING?''''' ''[teleports right in front of Dipper]'' My old puppet is back for an encore! ''[dangles the petrified Ford]'' You think ''you'' can stop me? Go ahead, Pinetree, show me what you got! :'''Dipper''': ''[flips through Journal 3]'' I...uh, I...''[sees a blacklight entry on Bill saying "IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM THEN ALL IS LOST!"]'' :'''Bill''': ''[mockingly]'' "I, um, I-" Do it, kid! Do some ''brilliant'' thing that takes me down right now! Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone's waiting! ''DO IT!'' :'''Dipper''': ''BILL-!'' ''[lunges at Bill, who effortlessly blasts him into a tree. The Henchmaniacs jeer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[levitates the Journals]'' That's right. Don't be a hero, kid! ''[shows Ford]'' This'' is what happens to heroes in ''my'' world! ''[Sets the Journals aflame]'' :'''Dipper''': ''NO!'' The Journals! :'''Bill''': Not much of a threat now, are you? <hr width=50%> :''[Observing the weird phenomena all over Gravity Falls]'' :'''Wendy''': End of the world... man, those death metal album covers got it ''shockingly'' right. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill and his friends party in the Fearamid]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' Go nuts, guys! When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2. :''[Pounding is heard]'' :'''Voice''': Open up! This is the police. Time Police! :'''Bill''': Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch. Let me do the talking. :''[The Time Police and Time Baby blast in through the front doors]'' :'''Lolph''': Bill Cipher, you are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer. :'''Blendin''': My body is a temple! How dare you! :'''Time Baby''': Hear this, Cipher. :'''Bill''': Ugh, Time Baby. :'''Time Baby''': If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now, or face my tantrum. :'''Bill''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh no, a tantrum. Whatever will I do about that? '''HOW 'BOUT THIS?!?!''' '''''BOOM!''''' :''[He points at Time Baby and the police, instantly vaporizing them; eye turns into a mouth and blows the smoke off his finger]'' :'''Kryptos''': Ah, snap! He just killed Time Baby! ''[they all start partying again; Blendin hides behind a pole]'' :'''Blendin''': Aw, man! This has gone from bad to worse! I gotta get outta time-dodge! ''[uses his time tape and disappears]'' ===''Weirdmageddon 2: Escape from Reality'' [2.19]=== :'''Bill''': Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces. :'''Creature''': Eighty-''eight'' different faces. :'''Bill''': Whoa-ho, sorry. Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony. Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore... probably. :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[groans, unfreezes]'' Uh, my omelettes. They... have friendly faces. :'''Bill''': Whoops. Hehe, back, back you go there. ''[pats her back, she turns back into stone]'' But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! All right, boys, to the corners of the Earth! Set the world aflame with your weirdness! This dimension is ours! ''[the creatures fly out of the pyramid]'' Ah, global domination. I could get used to- ''[the creatures slam into the forcefield]'' '''WHAT?!''' ''[flies out and touches the forcefield]'' Hmm, this might be more complicated than I thought. :'''Paci-Fire''': I think I broke something. :'''Bill''': '''''WALK IT OFF!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': All right, can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound '''''INFINITE POWER''''', ''[summons a thunderstorm]'' none of us can escape the borders of this '''''STUPID HICK TOWN?!?''''' There's some kind of forcefield keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it? ''[looks at the petrified Ford]'' Hmm... ''[his eye cycles through images of the Journals]'' Maybe ''someone'' needs to come out of retirement. :'''Keyhole''': Bill! Sorry, boss, but Gideon let the Pines family escape! They're inside Mabel's bubble as we speak! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' Buddy, Mabel's bubble is the most diabolical trap I've ever created. It would take a will of ''titanium'' not to give in to its temptation! Fetch me Gideon and take the rest of the day off. ''[looks at Mabel's bubble in the distance]'' Things just got a little more interesting... <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': ''[pants]'' Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real ''world''! :''[many people and Mabel gasp out of earshot; Waffle Guards tackle Dipper down on the ground]'' :'''Dipper''': Hey! :'''Waffle Guard''': Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. ''[people mutter indistinctly]'' Prepare to be banished from this land forever! ''[open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You're smarter than this! Bill has you hypnotized or something! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?! :'''Mabel''': No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way. :'''Waffle Guard''': Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. ''[is bitten]'' Hey! Seriously?! :'''Soos''': ''[pointing to a stuffed rhino]'' It was him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever! :'''Dippy Fresh''': Hey, take a chill pill. Those grow on trees here. :'''Dipper''': You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh! :'''Soos''': Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Look, real life stinks sometimes, okay, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I thought ''you'' were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear, because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've travelled to Heck and back to get you, and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together. :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': ORDER! ORDER! ''[Bangs mallet]'' ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT, why is this hammer squeaky?! :'''Mabel''': You mean it? You're really coming home with me? :'''Dipper''': Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Awkward sibling hug? :''[Crowd shrieks]'' :'''Blue Bird''': Just don't do it! :'''Craz''': DON'T DO IT! :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': You do this and it's all over! :'''Mabel''': ''Sincere'' sibling hug. ''[Hugs Dipper]'' :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': DON'T DO THE PATS! :'''Dipper and Mabel''': ''[Pat each other]'' Pat pat. ''[A ripple comes from their spot, blowing Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein's wig away and one of the benches falls over. All of the jurors disappear]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[Rubs eyes]'' Aw, man, I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week? <hr width=50%> :''[Xyler and Craz emerge from a pile of confetti]'' :'''Xyler''': Whoa! We survived! ''[they stand up, Craz spits confetti]'' :'''Craz''': But where are we? ''[they walk to a bench and sit down]'' :'''Xyler''': Are we real? Is this reality? ''[they observe Gravity Falls in its chaos and destruction]'' [[Cats]] postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance. :'''Craz''': Totally righteous, bro. :'''Xyler''': I know. ===''Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back The Falls'' [2.20]=== :'''Larry King's Head''': Hey, is anyone gon' feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head needs num-nums. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes. :'''Jeff the Gnome''': Hey! I'm short, not deaf! :'''Stan''': Shh. Stress will make you chewy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ford''': Quit the games, Cipher! If I'm still alive, you must want something from me. :'''Bill''': Ah, sharp as ever, Fordsy. As you may have noticed, I've recently had a ''multidimensional makeover. I control space, matter, and now that that dumb baby's out of the way, time itself. But I wasn't always this way. You think those chains are tight? Imagine living in the Second Dimension: [[w:Flatland|flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams.]] I liberated my dimension, Stanford, and I'm here to liberate yours. There's just one hitch. As it turns out, my weirdness can't escape the magical confines of this town. There's something keeping me in. :'''Ford''': Incredible! Gravity Falls' Natural Law of Weirdness Magnetism - I studied this years ago! :'''Bill''': And did you find a way to undo it? :'''Ford''': Of course. There's a simple equation that could collapse the barrier. But I'd never tell you! :'''Bill''': Listen, Ford - if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free. Anything will be possible! I'll remake a fun world, a better world! A party that never ends with a host that never dies! No more restrictions! No more laws! You'd be one of us. All-powerful! Greater than anything you've imagined! And all I need is your help. :'''Ford''': You're insane if you think I'll help you! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' I'm insane either way, brainiac! But have it your way! I'll just fish around and get that equation ''directly out of your mind! [prepares to enter Ford's mind]'' :'''Ford''': Not so fast! You know the rules, Bill. ''[Bill returns to physical form]'' You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and let you in! :'''Bill''': ''[sighs, chains Ford up]'' You're making this so much harder than it needs to be. Everyone has a weakness, tough guy! I'll make you talk. It's only a matter of time! ''[Ford screams]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Soos''': Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords. :'''McGucket''': What's an anime? :'''Soos''': We have much to discuss. :'''Stan''': Discuss nothing. These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash. Excuse my French. :'''French Lilliputian''': Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir. ''[Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The Gravity Falls rebels confront Bill's gang in the "Shacktron"]'' :'''Soos''': ''[through a microphone]'' Uh, hey, dudes. Is this thing on? Test. ''[feedback screeches]'' Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. ''[pointing at Paci-Fire]'' Hey, you're a little cutie. :'''Paci-Fire''': I have butchered millions on countless moons. :'''Soos''': Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy. <hr width-"50%> :''[After the "Shacktron" defeats Bill's Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Bill''': Guys, seriously? You had, like, ''one'' job to do here. :'''Ford''': Bravo, Dipper and Mabel! :'''Bill''': ...Well, would you look at that! Those kids really care about you. And you care about them. '''''DON'T YOU?''''' :'''Ford''': What are you-? Oh. Oh, no! :'''Bill''': Perhaps torturing those kids'll make you talk. <hr width="50%"> :''[Grenda rips out Bill's eye with the Shacktron]'' :'''Bill''': ARGH! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Last chance: tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids! :'''Dipper''': No! Don't do it! :'''Mabel''': Yeah, Bill makes bad deals! :'''Bill''': Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! ''[his eye shows an image of a galaxy]'' I SEE EVERYTHI- ''[Mabel sprays it with paint]'' OW! Not again! Why?! ''Every'' time! :'''Stan''': Nice shot, pumpkin! :'''Bill''': I just regenerated that eye! :'''Mabel''': I ''know'' that hurts, because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': You two wait here! I've got some children I need to make into corpses! ''[morphs into a huge, red, multi-armed form]'' '''SEE YA REAL SOON!''' :'''Stan''': No! Wait! No! No! Oh, what do we do? What do we do?! :'''Ford''': ''[frantically bangs on cage bars]'' Kids! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna '''DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES! YOU'VE TRICKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup. :'''Ford''': ''[sighs]'' Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. ''[drinks from "water" flask and shares it with Stan]'' :'''Stan''': How did things get so messed up between us? :'''Ford''': We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it? :'''Stan''': Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. ''[Ford stands up]'' Whoa, where are you going? :'''Ford''': I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free. :'''Stan''': What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?! :'''Ford''': Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind. :'''Stan''': What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything. :'''Ford''': ''[chuckles]'' There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids. :'''Stan''': Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal? :'''Ford''': What other choice do we have? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! EENY... MEENY... MINEY...'''YOU!''' :'''Stan''': ''[wearing Ford’s clothes and imitating Ford’s voice]'' Wait! I surrender. :'''Bill''': Good choice. :'''Ford''': ''[wearing Stan’s clothes and imitating Stan’s voice]'' Don’t do it Ford! It’ll destroy the universe! :'''Stan''': It’s the only way! :'''Bill''': HAHAHAHA! Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along. ''[drops the cage and ties up Ford]'' :'''Stan''': My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go! :'''Bill''': Fine! :'''Dipper''': No! Grunkle Ford! Don’t trust him! :'''Bill''': It's a...DEAL! ''[Holds Stan's right hand, then enters the mental realm, petrifying his physical form and enters Stan’s mind]'' :'''Bill''': Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi- ''[opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]'' :'''Stan''': ''[Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]'' :'''Bill''': '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Stan''': Heh-heh, do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart. Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it. :''[Outside of Stan's mind, Ford pulls out the memory gun and aims it at Stan]'' :'''Bill''': What?! The deal's off! What the-?! No, no, no, NO! :'''Stan''': Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh? :'''Bill''': Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?! :'''Stan''': Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway. :'''Bill''': Let me outta here! Let me OUT! Why isn't this working?! :'''Stan''': Hey, look at me. Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon. You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family. :'''Bill''': ''You're'' making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! '''''PLEASE!''''' No...! '''WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!''' ''[begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words that, when played in reverse, are revealed to be:]'' '''A-X-O-L-O-T-L! MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN!''' '''''STANLEY!''''' ''[Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]'' :'''Stan''': Heh. Guess I was good for something after all. <hr width="50%"> :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. It's not on any maps and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods, waiting. ==Cast== *[[w:Jason Ritter|Jason Ritter]] – Dipper Pines *[[w:Kristen Schaal|Kristen Schaal]] – Mabel Pines *[[w:Alex Hirsch|Alex Hirsch]] – Grunkle Stan/Soos/Old Man McGucket/Bill Cipher *[[w:Linda Cardellini|Linda Cardellini]] – Wendy Corduroy *[[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Ford Pines (season 2) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Disney Channel shows]] [[Category:Disney XD shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about twins]] [[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]] 82w8j60bhobi87ot6lcyro4fjdzfhwo 3955242 3955241 2026-06-22T06:51:08Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Carpet Diem [1.16] */ 3955242 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Gravity Falls|Gravity Falls]]''''' (2012–2016) is an American animated television series which premiered on the [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] in 2012. ==Season 1== ===''Tourist Trapped'' [1.01]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[first lines, open narration]'' Ahh. Summer break. :'''Hank''': ''[cooking burgers on a grill]'' So you want cheese on that, hon? :'''Hank’s Wife''': Sure, Hank. :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy, unless you’re me. :''[Dipper and Mabel scream as they drive the golf cart away from a monster.]'' :'''Mabel''': It’s getting closer! :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. :''[The monster throws a fallen tree in their path.]'' :'''Mabel''': Look out! :''[Dipper and Mabel scream until the screen freezes.]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[narration]'' Rest assured, there’s a perfectly logical explanation. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' He's looking at it, he's looking at it. :'''A boy''': ''[reading from a letter]'' Do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely? :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' I rigged it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me. ''[turns cheek to reveal a big red mark]'' :'''Dipper''': Ah! :'''Mabel''': Heh heh, gullible. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. ''[in a flashback, Mabel gets her face sucked into a leaf blower whilst trying to perform "kissing practice" on a picture of Norman]'' Turn it off, turn it off! That was fun. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face. :'''Crowd member''': Does it look like a rock? :'''Grunkle Stan''': No, it looks like a face. :'''Another crowd member''': Is it a face? :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's a rock that ''looks'' like a face. :'''Dipper''': Over here! Grunkle Stan? :'''Grunkle Stan''': For the fifth time, it's not an actual face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, hey! Let go of my sister! :'''Jeff''': Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just [[w:Polyandry|marrying all 1,000 of us]] and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey? :'''Mabel''': You guys are butt-faces! ===''The Legend of the Gobblewonker'' [1.02]=== :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's Family Fun Day, genius! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals. :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our ''last'' family bonding day? :''[Flashback to Mabel, Dipper, and Grunkle Stan [[w:Counterfeit money|making fake money]]]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman. ''[Sirens in distance]'' Uh-oh. :''[Back to present]'' :'''Mabel''': The county jail was so cold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car? :'''Dipper and Mabel''': YAY! :'''Dipper''': Wait, what? :''[Later, while Stan is driving recklessly:]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, are ''you'' wearing a blindfold? :'''Grunkle Stan''': Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? ''[drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]'' :'''Dipper and Mabel''': AAH! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden? :'''Grunkle Stan''': C'mon this is gonna be great. I've never had fishin' buddies before. The guys at the lodge won't go with me. They don't "like or trust" me. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]'' :'''Beaver 1''': ''[subtitled]'' I love cavorting! :'''Beaver 2''': ''[subtitled]'' That deserves a hug! ''[The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides off]'' :'''Dipper''': But, what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise. :''[Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]'' :'''Soos''': Sweet. Beaver with a chainsaw. :'''Dipper''': Maybe that old guy was crazy after all. :'''Mabel''': He did use the word "scrabdoodle". <hr width="50%"> :''[A man and woman float along the lake in their boat.]'' :'''Reginald''': Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you. :'''Rosanna''': Oh, Reginald. :''[Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin' better. Her aim is gettin' better. Ya see, it's funny, because marriage is terrible. ''[the couple row away from him]'' What? <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Grr....Gaa! Molly-coddling! :''[Stan is trying to untie a wad of fishing line, alone in his boat, and overhears a nearby family while they are fishing.]'' :'''Boy''': Can you please tell me more funny stories Pop-Pop? :'''Pop-Pop''': Anything for my fishin' buddies! ''[laughs]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': Arghhh! :'''Boy''': Pop-Pop I just wealized that...I wuv you! :'''Grunkle Stan''': Ahhhh! C'MON! Boo! BOO! <hr width="50%"> :''[During the ending credits]'' :''[Mabel has her hand on the lower bill of a pelican using it like a puppet to tell a joke]'' :'''Pelican Mabel''': ''[Deep raspy voice]'' Who wants to hear a joke? :'''Dipper''': Not me :'''Pelican Mabel''': Heh-Ha! Yeah ya do. Here it goes. Why did the Pel-ican get kicked out of the res-taurant? :'''Dipper''': I DON'T CARE! :'''Pelican Mabel''': Cuz he had a very BIG BILL. La-la-la-la Yuk-yuk-yuk! :'''Dipper''': Oh boo. Bad Joke. Bad Pelican Joke. :'''Pelican Mabel''': Blah-Blah-Blah! ===''Headhunters'' [1.03]=== :'''Mabel and Biker''': Three, four, five, six. :'''Mabel''': Your wife is going to be beautiful. :'''Biker''': Yes. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, we've got a big break in the case. :'''Biker''': But will she love me? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': But enough about me. Behold, me! ''[reveals wax figure of himself]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[flashback to the haunted garage sale]'' :'''Seller''': I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price. :'''Stan''': ''[looks at price tag]'' Twenty dollars? I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'. :'''Seller''': What? :'''Stan''': I said I was gonna rob ya. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute! What has holes in its shoes and no fingerprints? Mabel! The murderers are... :'''Wax [[Sherlock Holmes]]'' Standing right behind you? <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper fights against Wax Sherlock Holmes atop the Mystery Shack]'' :'''Wax Holmes''': You really think you can outwit me, boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you ''seen'' my magnifying glass? It's enormous! ===''The Hand That Rocks the Mabel'' [1.04]=== :'''Stan''': For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible ''Sack of Mystery''. When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears. :'''Various tourists''': ''[putting money in the bag]'' Oh, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Wow, what a nice man. That was totally worth the drive. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel surprises Dipper with her new makeover and manicured fingernails]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, Dipper. What's going on? ''[Dipper swats her hands away and gets up]'' :'''Dipper''': Whoa, where have you been? And what's going on with those fingernails? You look like a... {{w|wolverine}}. :'''Mabel''': I know, right? Rawr. I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head. :'''Mabel''': Oh, leave him alone. You never wanna do girly stuff with me. You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time. :'''Dipper''': What do you mean? :'''Soos''': Hey, dude. You ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave, one by one? :'''Dipper''': Am I? :''[They both run off and turn on the microwave offscreen, laughing at the popping sounds]'' :'''Soos''': ''[guffawing]'' Oh, dude! :'''Dipper''': One at a time! One at a time! <hr width="50%"> :''[At the gift shop, Stan shows Soos, Wendy and Dipper a newspaper article showing a picture of Gideon and Mabel together]'' :'''Stan''': Hey, hey! What the {{w|Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde|Jekyll}} is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon? :'''Wendy''': ''[browses her cellphone]'' Oh yeah, it's like a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight. :'''Stan''': WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great-niece?! :'''Soos''': I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mab-ideon? Gide-Abel? ''[Gasps]'' Ma-gid-bel-eon! :'''Dipper''': I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to! :'''Stan''': ''[walking out the door]'' Yeah, well it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house; this is gonna stop right now! ''[Slams the door]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Stan goes to Gideon's house to confront him. However, Gideon's father Bud answers the door.]'' :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, well, Stanford Pines. What brings you here? :'''Stan''': Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon. :'''Bud Gleeful''': Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee. :'''Stan''': I don't think- :'''Bud Gleeful''': Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Colombia. :'''Stan''': Wow. I went to jail there once. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper sees a nervous Mabel pacing around the living room]'' :'''Dipper''': What in the heck happened on that date? :'''Mabel''': I don't know! I was in the friend zone—and then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, come on. It's not like you're gonna have to marry Gideon. :'''Stan''': Great news, Mabel. You have to marry Gideon. :'''Mabel''': ''WHAT?!'' :'''Stan''': It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful. There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt. ''[Looks down]'' Ugh, I am fat. :''[Mabel runs out screaming]'' :'''Stan''': Bodies change, honey! Bodies change. <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[on Mabel]'' She's never gonna date you, man! :'''Gideon''': That's a lie! And I'm gonna make sure you never lie to me again, friend. ''[Levitates the scissors out from a box to kill Dipper]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel destroys Gideon's amulet]'' :'''Gideon''': My powers! Oh, this isn't over. This isn't the last you'll see of wittle... ''ol' me.'' ===''The Inconveniencing'' [1.05]=== :'''Dipper''': Mabel, do you believe in ghosts? :'''Mabel''' I believe you're a big dork! Hahaha! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': And Robbie. You can probably figure him out. :'''Robbie''': Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower. :'''Dipper''': Oh, you mean The Big Muffin. :'''Robbie''': Uh, it's a giant explosion. :'''Lee''': It kinda does look like a muffin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Come on, Dipper. :'''Dipper''': ''[climbing over the fence]'' Okay, okay, just gotta get a foothold. :'''Robbie''': Dude, your sister did it. :'''Mabel''': ''[running on the ground sideways in a circle]'' Woop woop woop woop woop woop. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': ''[to Dipper]'' ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip. :'''Mabel''': ''[feeling sick]'' Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think? :''[Mabel hallucinates into a rainbow colored candy world with the Smile Dip mascots]'' :'''Flavor Pup #1''': Elknurg tsurt t'nod! ''['Don't trust Grunkle' backwards]'' :'''Flavor Pup #2''': Would you like to eat my candy paws? :'''Mabel''': Of course, you little angel. ''[starts chewing on the paw. Cut to real life; Mabel is chewing on air.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something. :'''Mabel''': ''[makes a gurgling sound]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel? :''[zoom in on Mabel's face, fade to her hallucination: she's flying with crazy pop music from before playing]'' :'''Mabel''': The future is in the past. Onwards Aoshima! :'''Aoshima''': ''[moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fists open and spit out rainbows]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, How many of these did you eat?! :'''Mabel''': Eleven...teen. :'''Dipper''': Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cereal box Toucan''': I'm bonkers for eating you alive. :'''Lee''': No! ''[Screams as a stabbing sound is heard]'' :'''Nate''': Lee! Okay, okay... I'm with you kid! 100%, man! :'''Pa''': [possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice]'' Welcome. :'''Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy''': ''[Scream]'' :'''Dipper''': They got Mabel! :'''Pa''': Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. ''[Kicks legs and laughs]'' :'''Wendy''': We're super sorry for hanging out in your store! :'''Dipper''': Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever? :'''Pa''': Well... okay. You're free to go. ''[Opens doors]'' But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs. :'''Nate and Robbie''': ''[Scream and run for the door]'' :'''Pa''': ''[Closes doors]'' Just kidding about the hot dog sale. :'''Nate''': Just let us out of here already! :'''Pa''': I don't like your tone. ''[Dissolves Nate]'' :'''Nate''': ''[Reappears as a hot dog on the stove]'' No! '''I'M A HOT DOG!''' :'''Pa''': It begins. ''[Makes everything float to the ceiling]'' Welcome to your home for all eternity! :'''Wendy''': Dipper, what do we do?! :'''Dipper''': DUCK! ''[Dipper and Wendy duck to avoid a flying shelf]'' :'''Wendy''': ''[Points]'' Quick! In there! ''[Dipper and Wendy Run to a tipped over ice machine and hide inside and pant]'' :'''Wendy''': What do they want from us?! :'''Dipper''': Revenge, I guess? :'''Wendy''': What did we do wrong? :'''Dipper''': Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn't make any sense! :'''Wendy''': Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things. :'''Dipper''': Wendy, say that last part again. :'''Wendy''': Normal teenage things? :'''Dipper''': Of course! Stay here until I get back! ''[crawls out of the freezer]'' :'''Wendy''': Dude, what are you doing?! :'''Dipper''': Hey ghost! :'''Pa''': ''[twists Mabel's head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him]'' :'''Dipper''': I've got something to tell you! I'm not a teenager! :'''Pa''': ''[drops everything that's floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma]'' Hohoho! Well why didn't you say so? ''[drops Mabel into a pile of candy]'' :'''Mabel''': WAAH! ''[Lands in the candy and rubs her head]'' Ohhh... :'''Ma''': Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store. :'''Pa''': Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants. So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music. :'''Ma''': The lyrics were so hateful. :'''Rapper''': Homework's whack, and so are rules. Tucking in your shirt's for fools. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV Announcer''': You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel. :'''Grunkle Stan''': Kids, I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up. :'''TV Announcer''': Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire. :'''Grunkle Stan''': KIDS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ugghh... I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again. :'''Dipper''': Hey, there's still some left. :'''Mabel''': Evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wendy''': Well, I'm probably scarred for life. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, that was pretty crazy. :'''Wendy''': I think I'll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay? :'''Dipper''': Next time? Yah! Let's, let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah... ''[gets in the car, to himself]'' Next time... ''[gets in the car and sits next to Mabel]'' :'''Mabel''': OHHHHH... ''[sees the thing she wrote earlier]'' What kind of sick joke is this? ===''Dipper vs. Manliness'' [1.06]=== :'''Testosteraur''': Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH?! I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs, and '''FISTS FOR NIPPLES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington. :'''Dipper''': I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said. :'''Stan''': Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's ''incident.'' :''[Flashback: Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone]'' :'''Dipper''': [[w:Dancing Queen|Disco girl]]...comin' through...that girl is you! ''[Stan opens the bathroom door]'' DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN! :''[End flashback]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[grinning]'' You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation [[w:ABBA|BABBA]]? :'''Dipper''': No, I wasn't- It's not important. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery! :'''Deputy Derland''': Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles? :'''Sheriff Blubbs''': Quit readin' my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[serving Stan and Mabel]'' Food! :'''Stan''': Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow. :'''Lazy Susan''': Ha! Silly.. silly man... :'''Mabel''': What was that about? :'''Stan''': Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of- :'''Stan''': Love? :'''Mabel''': Mabel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper confronts the Multibear.]'' :'''Multibear''': Child, why have you come here? :'''Dipper''': Multibear, I seek your head. Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads? ===''Double Dipper'' [1.07]=== :''[All the clones are fighting]'' :'''#10''': Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away! :'''Dipper''': No friends, it's me, #7. :''[They All Look at #7]'' :'''#7''': That's not me guys! THAT'S NOT ME! ===''Irrational Treasure'' [1.08]=== :''[Dipper and Mabel go off to enjoy Pioneer Day]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, you coming? :'''Stan''': No thank you. Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me. :'''Dipper''': ''[In an old-timey accent]'' There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar. :'''Mabel''': ''[Likewise]'' Well, hornswaggle my haversack. :''[They spit on the ground and runoff, laughing]'' :'''Stan''': DEAD TO ME! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan attempts to drive away, but his car is stuck in the mud. He calls out to a man who is walking with a donkey.]'' :'''Stan''': Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya? :'''Man''': Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box? :'''Stan''': C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack! :'''Man''': "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression! :'''Stan''': I can't take it anymore. ''[grabbing the man by the collar]'' I'm getting dumber every second I'm here! :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland run over, batons drawn]'' :'''Blubs''': Are we gonna have to intervene here? :'''Stan''': Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" ''[laughs]'' :''[Cut to Stan being locked in the stocks]'' :'''Stan''': Oh, come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have to '''break in.''' :''[Spy music plays; cut to the twins just entering the museum normally]'' :'''Museum Lady''': And here are your balloons; blue and pink! :''[Spy music plays again]'' :'''Dipper''': '''We're in.''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Man on Film''': If you're watching this, you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot once the filming is complete. ''[Someone speaks offscreen.]'' What? No? Ha! Well, that's a relief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland are chasing Dipper Mabel and Quentin Trembley across the top of a train after the three escaped from a crate]'' :'''Blubs''': There is .... No escape! ''[out of breath]'' I gotta take a knee. :'''Durland''': Are you ok? Can I get you anything? :'''Blubs''': Edward Durland you are a diamond in the rough. :'''Dipper''': Sheriff Blubs do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere? :'''Blubs''': I got no choice. Our orders come from the very top. :'''Dipper''': Wait. Quentin did you ever sign an official resignation? :'''Quentin Trembley''': No sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembley''': You've done a great service to your country Mabel. As thanks I'd like to make you an official US congressman. :''[Trembley pulls out a top hat and places it on Mabel's head]'' :'''Mabel''': I'm legalizing EVERYTHING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': ...And then he chased me around with a paddle for like, three hours. Bottom line: George Washington was a jerk. :'''Mabel''': Agreed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Qeuntin Trembley''': Children I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I will always be right here...''[Shows Dipper some paper money]'' On the negative twelve dollar bill. :'''Dipper''': Whoa! This is worthless! :'''Quentin Trembley''': It's LESS than worthless my boy! TREMBLEY AWAY! :''[Trembley gets on a horse backwards and rides off]'' :'''Mabel''': Where do you think he's going? :'''Dipper''': I'm gonna say.... Off a cliff. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quentin Trembly''': Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court, I urge you to reconsider your decision. :''[Several babies in top hats and fake mustaches coo in response.]'' :'''Quentin Trembly''': Very well. But who would you have replace me? :'''Baby''': Mama. :'''Quentin Trembly''': That old crone? ===''The Time Traveller's Pig'' [1.09]=== :'''Mabel''': He is such a jerk. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs. :'''Mabel''': Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the- OH MY GOSH, A PIG! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated. :'''Wendy''': Dude. You lost me. :'''Dipper''': ''[sighs]'' I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blendin Blandin is blamed for Dipper and Mabel's interference with time]'' :'''Dundgren''': You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct. :'''Blendin''': It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles! :'''Lolph''': That's a ''pig'', Blendin. :'''Blendin''': ''[to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away]'' I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet! :''[After a moment's pause]'' :'''Dipper''': Well, we're still here. :'''Mabel''': Guess he forgot to go back. ===''Fight Fighters'' [1.10]=== :'''Mabel''': Ugh, poor Dipper. Hiding from Robbie, unable to face his fears. :'''Stan''': Fears are for chumps. That's why I don't have any. ''[tries to reach an item on a shelf]'' :'''Mabel''': You want me to go get a ladder? :'''Stan''': We don't have one. :'''Mabel''': What? :'''Stan''' You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns, in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, why you actin' so cray-cray? :'''Stan''': ''YOU'RE'' the one who's "actin' cray-cray". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union! :'''Dipper''': Uh, that's gonna be tough...[[w:Dissolution of the Soviet Union|for a number of reasons]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teenager''': ''[is handed keys to a new car]'' I love you, Dad. :''[Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]'' :'''Teenager''': Oh. My. Car, :'''Father''': We'll just buy another one. :'''Teenager''': I love being rich. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': You can hide, but you cannot hide! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': We need to just learn to hate each other in silence. :'''Robbie''': You mean, like what girls do? ===''Little Dipper'' [1.11]=== :'''Gideon''': Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen. :'''Mabel''': NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- Gummy Koalas! ''[is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': ''[on the phone to Stan]'' Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them. ''[pause]'' This is Gideon, by the way. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs]'' Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago. :'''Gideon''': I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo! :'''Stan''': "''Text'' me a ''photo''"? Now you're not even speaking English! :'''Gideon''': But- :''[Stan hangs up]'' ===''Summerween'' [1.12]=== :''[After Gorney re-emerges from the Summerween Trickster]'' :'''Soos''': 'Sup, Gorney? :'''Gorney''': I've been twamatized. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soos''': What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus. Heh-heh, that's a funny word. "Ruckus". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I'm so excited. :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy. :'''Mabel''': And have the biggest stomach aches ever :'''Dipper''': Yeah <hr width="50%"/> :''[everyone is watching TV, eating the candies. Grunkle Stan tells everyone the meaning of Summerween]'' :'''Stan''': You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters... '''PURE ''EVIL''. :''[everyone laughs heartily and then]'' :'''Soos''': I ate a man alive tonight. ===''Boss Mabel'' [1.13]=== :''[Stan, Mabel and Dipper are watching a game show called CASH WHEEL]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen we now return to CASH WHEEL. Sponsored by CHIPACKERZ: The chip flavored crackers. :'''Mabel''': They taste just like chips. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan is leading a group of tourists thru The Mystery Shack]'' :'''Stan''': Ladies and Gentletourists, looking around my Mystery Shack, you'll see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be AMAZED - at the only known photo of a horse.. riding another horse. That's- that's pretty good. :''[the tourists utter OOH and WOW]'' :'''Stan''': Be astounded by the horrible, pre-teen Wolf Boy. :''[Stan draws a curtain revealing Dipper shirtless with fake wolf ears, fangs and fur pants]'' :'''Stan''': Oh look at him. All that hair. His body is changing... Ah! :''[Dipper spits out his fake wolf teeth]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning. :'''Stan''': What? I don't know 'Da Meaning' of that word. :''[The tourists laugh]'' :'''Stan''': If you throw money at him he dances. :''[The tourists throw money at Dipper as he whimpers, jumps around and gets pelted by coins]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are. :''[Mabel takes out a bag of stickers and puts two on Stan's face that say "Please" and "Thank you"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Oh! Who's that? Is it Questiony The Question Mark? :'''Soos''': Uhhh...I'm starting to have second thoughts about this Mabel. I keep forgetting my lines...And this costume is more uhhh...revealing than I expected. :'''Mabel''': Soos, don't give up. ''[ Mabel flips through an 80's book called "Succeeding In Management"]'' Anything is possible when you...''imaginize'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."]'' I'm giving none of this to charity. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack]'' This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes. Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby! :''[Shows Soos wearing the "Questiony the Question Mark" costume, in a pen labeled "?uestion Baby"]'' :'''Soos''': Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions. :''[Tour group gasps]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance. :'''Mabel''' ''[offscreen]'' Do the kicks. ===''Bottomless Pit!'' [1.14]=== :''[Old Man McGucket takes Dipper to his makeshift laboratory in the junkyard]'' :'''McGucket''': Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account of my '''''HORRIFYIN' VOICE!''''' :''[scene cuts to a round-shaped boy wearing a propeller hat with a scooter crying and running away from McGucket]'' :'''McGucket''': You can run, but I'll still be in your '''NIGHTMARES'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[still falling in the Bottomless Pit]'' Dipper's pain is funny. But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story. :'''Soos''': Really? Okay. This story is called, "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story." Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grunkle Stan is wearing the Truth Telling Teeth, a set of golden dentures that force the wearer to tell the truth]'' :'''Mystery Shack Customer''': Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size? :'''Stan''': Never mind the T-shirt! '''Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!''' :'''Mabel''': ''[leading the customer away]'' I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. :''[Cut to Stan writing in his office]'' :'''Stan''': D-doing my taxes! :'''Dipper''': ''[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink]'' Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this? :'''Stan''': Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud. :'''Dipper''': Might wanna tuck that one away, there. ''[drops the form into a shredder]'' :''[Cut to Stan, Mabel, and Dipper watching TV]'' :'''Circus Performer on TV''': ''[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles]'' Do-do-do. Oh no! ''[Dipper and Mabel laugh]'' :'''Stan''': Sometimes I think: [[Meaning of life|is this all there is?]] Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]'' :'''Stan''': Where... where are we? :'''Mabel''': ''[gasps]'' Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top! :'''Dipper''': ''[checks his watch]'' And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of {{w|wormhole}}. :'''Soos''': Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true. :'''Stan''': But that's impossible! No one will believe us. ''[leans on the pit's sign]'' :'''Mabel''': Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves. :'''All''': Agreed. :''[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[smiling]'' He'll be fine. :''[During the credits, Stan is falling through the Pit again]'' :'''Stan''': ''[sighs, long pause]'' This is stupid. ===''The Deep End'' [1.15]=== :'''Toby Determined''': On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool! :'''Mabel''': Gravity Falls pool? :'''Dipper''': Today? :'''Soos''': Pun intended? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Ah, the pool. Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment. :'''Stan''': Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet. :'''Dipper''': ''[looking at a towel]'' Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses? :'''Soos''': It's best not to think about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard? :'''Wendy''': I ''am'' the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka. Boosh. ''[throws more balloons]'' :'''Stan''': ''[fleeing]'' AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER! :''[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]'' :'''Dipper''': Wow, you work here? :'''Wendy''': I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, you do! ''[laughs for a moment, then whispers to himself]'' I've been laughing for too long. :'''Soos''': Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning. :'''Dipper''': Soos, shhh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': Hola. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, are you from Australia? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': How long ya in for? :'''Stan''': Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent. :'''Kid 2''': Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary. :'''Solitary confinement kid''': It's the nights that are the hardest. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Hey, I brought you a sandwich. It's kind of wet, but it's still good. I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... ''[whispers]'' share your secret, beautiful stranger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair. :'''Soos''': The legends you told me in the car were true. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': I should've known from your strange foreign fish language. :'''Mermando''': It is Spanish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Yes, yes... burn the child. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon''': Deal with it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]'' :'''Wendy''': Soos. :'''Soos''': Inflatable duck guy? Is that you? :'''Wendy''': Yes, Soos. :'''Soos''': I knew you guys were secretly alive. I knew it. :'''Wendy''': My people have been enslaved, Soos. You must free us. :'''Soos''': The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]'' :'''Mermando''': What are you doing with your mouth. :'''Mabel''': Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour. :'''Mermando''': Can I have some candy? :'''Mabel''': No. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mermando''': I have never met anyone like you. :'''Mabel''': Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires. :'''Dipper''': I don't remember the vampires. :'''Mabel''': I don't tell you everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel? Is ''everyone'' here tonight?! What, is Soos here too? :'''Soos''': ''[Falls off of the fence in the background.]'' I'm okay. :'''Dipper''': Go home, Soos. :'''Soos''': You got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs. :'''Mermando''': Intriguing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever. :'''Mabel''': Okay, I understand. Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini! :'''Dipper''': Really? At night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens... This was a good plan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR! :'''Dipper''': Mermen don't breathe air! :'''Mabel''': Then give him reverse CPR, doi! :'''Dipper''': ''[Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's]'' I hate this, I hate this. :'''Mabel''': ''[Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together]'' Haha, blackmail. :''[Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]'' :'''Mermando''': Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake? :''[Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]'' :'''Dipper''': Agh! ===''Carpet Diem'' [1.16]=== :'''Dipper''': Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever. :''[Dipper hits the golf ball, causing it to break some things, and it ends up crashing through a window.]'' :'''Stan''': AH, MY HEAD! IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight? :'''Soos''': Sure, dude. ''[Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.]'' You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. ''[Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.]'' Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wait. Ow! Wait, wai. Actually felt kind of good that time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. ''[Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.]'' Ah, get off! Get away! ''[Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.]'' This is still better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Candy falls down now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Get ready to be poked by the fun stick. Boop. :'''Dipper''': Ow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.]'' Fight, fight, fight! :'''Announcer''': Baby fights! Will return in a minute. :'''Stan''': TV. It knows what I want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Man, that's refreshing. Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. ''[In high-pitched voice]'' Thank you, Stan''[Normal]'' Ten more for politeness. Oh, and so sweet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face. :'''Stan''': I have seen the face of beauty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[In Mabel's body]'' Braces are horrible. It's like my mouth hates me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': ''[In Dipper's body]'' Hey, Grunkle Stan. Your face looks like a butt. :'''Stan''': What?! :'''Mabel''': Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan discovers Mabel in Dipper's body watching Dipper in her body hanging out with her friends]'' :'''Stan''': What's goin' on, Dipper? Ah, you're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh? Guess it's time you and me had a man-to-man talk - about [[w:Birds and the bees|the birds and the bees]], you know? :''[Cut to Stan opening a book called "Why Am I Sweaty?"]'' :'''Mabel''': I—I should really be going- :'''Stan''': No way out of it. Look, it all begins with this little fella, the [[w:Pituitary gland|pituitary gland]]. He may be little, but he has [[w:Puberty|BIG PLANS]]... :'''Mabel''': ''[screams]'' :'''Stan''': ''[later; closing the book]'' And now you know [[w:Sexual intercourse|where babies come from]]. :'''Mabel''': Goodbye, childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': 3, 4, 5. ''[Phone rings.]'' It's him, my dream date. Hello? :'''Robot Voice''': Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2. :'''Candy''': Kevin has the voice of a robot. :'''Grenda''': Don't ruin this for me, Candy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Candy''': Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested. :'''Grenda''': How could you say that to Kevin? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is… I'm going to have to cut your pay. :'''Waddles in Soos's Body''': ''[Puts hand on Stan's face.]'' :'''Stan''': What are you doing? :'''Waddles''': ''[Breathes eerily]'' :'''Stan''': Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work. :'''Waddles''': ''[Continues breathing creepily]'' :'''Stan''': Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' Oh, no! Then again, I like having muscles for once. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Mabel's body]'' Wow! Now I have tiny little doll hands! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grenda''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' Cool, I'm Santa Claus. :'''McGucket''': ''[in Candy's body]'' Whoo-ee! ''[laughs]'' I've regained my innocence! :'''Dipper''': ''[in Waddles' body]'' Well, I guess I'm a pig now. So, that's a thing. :'''Soos''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' This body's not that different from my old one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer Blubs''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' My horoscope didn't say anything about this. :'''Officer Durland''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' AHH! What's happenin' to me?! :'''Candy''': ''[in Officer Blubs' body]'' I am police officer now. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Officer Durland's body]'' Let's go bust some perps, Candy. ===''Boyz Crazy'' [1.17]=== {{line}} :'''Mabel''': SEV'RAL TIMEZ is playing at the the Gravity Falls Civic Center and Buffet. :'''Dipper''': Ughh, Sev'Ral Timez? Aren't they that boy band that came a decade too late? :''[Cut to a music video of Sev'Ral Timez doing "Cray Cray Feat Lenz Flar"]'' :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Oh Oh! Girl you got me actin' so Cray Cray! (Cray-Cray!) You say you won't be my baby! We're not threatening! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, you know all those boy bands are fake - Right? :'''Wendy''': Dipper's right. They're just a manufactured product of the bloated corporate music industry. :'''Mabel''': You're making my dance sad. {{line}} :'''Mabel''': You guys can't ruin this for me. Mabel's got backup. :''[Grenda and Candy come rolling into the Shack decked out with Sev'Ral Timez merch]'' :'''Grenda''': Hey guys. :'''Candy''': Woo-Hoo. :'''Mabel''': I'm ready for the greatest night of our live. [singing] "How many times am I gonna love ya?" :'''Grenda and Candy''': "SEV'RAL TIMEZ!" :''[Grenda Candy and Mabel run away giggling]'' :'''Dipper''': Uhhh, GIRLS. :'''Wendy''': I know, Right? {{line}} :''[Dipper talking to Stan about Wendy]'' :'''Dipper''': So wait...You actually believe my theory? :'''Grunkle Stan''': You're darn right I do. And we're gonna get to the bottom of it...Right after I get to the bottom of this brown meat. :''[Stan opens a can of brown meat and downs it]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's APOCA-LICIOUS! {{line}} :''[During the Sev'Ral Timez concert, Deep Chris sits down to talk to his audience]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Hey Girl, I just wanna get real for a moment and say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. For you specifically, not the girl sitting next to you, but YOU. :'''Concert Girl1''': I LOVE YOU DEEP CHRIS! :'''Concert Girl2''': HE WAS TALKING TO ME! :''[All the girls start throwing chairs and fighting. Tyler Cutebiker is at the show watching the mayhem]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Git 'Em, Git 'Em. :'''Sev'Ral Timez''': Thank you! Good Night! {{line}} :''[After finding Sev'Ral Timez private room backstage and avoiding the evil manager Mr. Bratzman, Mabel, Grenda and Candy finally meet their idols - locked in a cage.]'' :'''Deep Chris''': Ohh, WHO goes there? Prepare to be danced at. :'''Creggy G''': Step off Deep Chris. She's a lady. Don't disrespect her bro. Don't disrespect. :'''Deep Chris''': MY bad. :'''Deep Chris''': Chubby Z let's calm this boo by posin' for her, poster-style. :'''Mabel''': Whoo! Trying hard not to let my brain explode. I've always wanted to meet you guys, But what was the deal with that scary chubb-chubb man? :'''Deep Chris''': Mr. Bratzman's our producer, Yo. :'''Creggy G''': He genetically engineered us to be the perfect boy band, G. :'''Chubby Z''': But he keeps us in cages. That junk is straight brutal girl. :'''Mabel''': That is straight brutal Chubby Z. :'''Creggy G''': Our one dream is to escape into the REAL world - for real. Yo, I heard about these things called trees. I don't know what they are, but I wanna kiss one. :'''Greggy C''': But we can't disobey Mr. Bratzman. He says he loves us. :'''Mabel''': If he loved you, he'd set you free. :'''Creggy G''': True dat, true dat. :'''Chubby Z''': That's a valid perspective. :''[Mabel uses a hairpin to unlock the boyz cage,]'' :'''Mabel''': Let's go right now. Me and my friends can help you escape. :'''Grenda''': We're Masters of '''''STEALTH!''''' :'''Chubby Z''': Yo, You'd really do that for us beef? :'''Mabel''': You can count on me. I'm sorry, did you just call me beef? <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': All right, it took all day, but I converted it to a record. And now we can slow it down to see if the mind-control message theory is correct. Prepare to have your mind blown. :'''Stan''': Spit-take, here I come. ''[sips Pitt Cola]'' :''[Dipper plays and slows down the record, with a tapeman ready to record]'' :'''Stan''': Hmm... that's not spit worthy. What gives? :'''Dipper''': What? Is that it? ''[fiddles with the speed]'' Ugh, This was so stupid! ''Course'' there's no hidden mind-control messages. Mabel was right. Wendy just likes the song. She just likes Robbie. :'''Wendy''': ''[entering with Robbie]'' Hey, Dip. Forgot my keys. :'''Robbie''': What's up, junior? What are you doing? Trying to come up with an equation to make girls like you? [laughs] :'''Wendy''': Ready to go to Lookout Point? :'''Robbie''': Heh, am I. ''[leaving with her]'' Later, dorks. Catch ya on the rewind. ''[chuckles]'' I made that up. :'''Stan''': I'll rewind your ''FACE!'' :'''Dipper''': Wait a minute. Stan, rewind! :''[He manually turns the record backwards, and it plays "You are now under my control! Your mind is mine!"]'' :'''Stan''': ''[spits soda into Dipper's face]'' Holy mackerel! Now ''there's'' your spit-take! :'''Dipper''': Ha ha! I knew it! It's mind control after all! Oh no! I've got to save Wendy! :'''Stan''': Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll! <hr width="50%"> :'''Robbie''': ''[after Wendy breaks up with him]'' Oh, man. :'''Stan''': Look, if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is coming soon. Bury your gold. You've been buying gold, right? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Women. They're the ''real'' mystery, Dip. You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the "bad guy". :'''Dipper''': No, it's my fault, I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life. She probably hates me now. :'''Stan''': Ah, chin up, kid. You were tryin' to do the right thing even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car. :'''Dipper''': You think she'll ever forgive me? :'''Stan''': Ah, I bet she will. And until then, you can always go bowling with me. :'''Dipper''': Thanks, Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': Don't mention it, kid. ''[gnawing is heard from outside]'' Wait a second... is something rooting through our trash? ''[cut to a Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can; Stan drives him away with a broom]'' Hey, hey! GET OUTTA HERE! Darn beautiful men. Always eating out of my trash. Wait, what? ===''Land Before Swine'' [1.18]=== :''[From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]'' :'''Bobby Renzobbi''': I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it ''does'' work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR '''''PIGS!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]'' :'''Mabel''': Go, go. Chew that pant leg. :''[Stan tears his pant leg free.]'' :'''Stan''': All right, that tears it. Outside, now. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, no. You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators. And barbecuers. :'''Stan''': That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious. :'''Mabel''': He should be inside like a person. :'''Stan''': People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos. :'''Mabel''': And we're the lesser for it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles. :'''Stan''': He's a fat, naked jerk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]'' :'''Mabel''': Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen? Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him ''outside''? :'''Stan''': What? No, I didn't put him anywhere. I'm not acting suspicious. ''You're'' acting suspicious! What's a pig?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': I should have put that pig outside ages ago. :'''Mabel''': Wait, what did you just say? :'''Stan''': Hm? What's that? :'''Mabel''': You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. ''[gasps]'' :'''Stan''': No! Wait, uh, if you think about it- :'''Mabel''': You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD! :'''Stan''': Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside. :'''Mabel''': No, that's it. Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again. :'''Stan''': Look, you can't be serious. :'''Mabel''': Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them. :'''Stan''': Kid. :'''Mabel''': ''[plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle]'' La la la la la! I can't hear anyone. No one's talking to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]'' :'''Stan''': The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig. What are you looking at? Aw, come on, don't give me that look. What am I supposed to do, let it eat me? Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal. Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. Telling me her jokes. Making me laugh. :''[Waddles snorts and cocks his head]'' :'''Stan''': ''[chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl]'' Aw, dang it. ''[as the pterodactyl flies straight for them]'' Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. ''[dons the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it]'' You want this pig?! THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME! ===''Dreamscaperers'' [1.19]=== :'''Bill''': Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back. Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? ''[laughs]'' I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon. :'''Gideon''': W-what are you? H-how do you know my name? :'''Bill''': Oh, I know lots of things. '''LOTS OF THINGS.''' Hey, look what I can do. ''[magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands]'' Deer teeth. For you, kid. ''[laughs]'' :'''Gideon''': You're insane! :'''Bill''': Sure I am, what's your point? ''[restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]'' :'''Gideon''': Listen to me, demon! I have a job for you. I need you to enter the mind of Stanford Pines and steal the code to his safe. ''[Mabel and Soos gasp]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Laughs]'' Wait... Stan Pines? You know what, kid? You've convinced me! I'm sold! I'll help you with this and in return you can help me with something I've been working on! We'll work out the details later. :'''Gideon''': Deal! :'''Bill''': Well, time to invade Stan's mind! This should be fun! Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold. Bye! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a memory of Stan as a door-to-door salesman]'' :'''Stan''': Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything. ''[door slams shut]'' Gotta work on that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': One nightmare, coming up! :'''Soos''': Nightmare? I hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about. :'''British Dog-Man''': ''[appears]'' 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Who's crike for a stick in the pudding? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill''': I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one. :'''Soos''': ''[whispering to Mabel]'' He's talking about you. :'''Bill''': So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. '''BUT KNOW THIS!''' A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you! '''I'll be watching you...!''' ===''Gideon Rises'' [1.20]=== :''[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]'' :'''Jeff''': This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. Scrub, scrub. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me. :'''Dipper''': Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair. :'''Jeff''': Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock, get my cologne. :''[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]'' :'''Shmebulock''': Shmebulock. :'''Jeff''': Is "Shmebulock" all you can say? :'''Shmebulock''': ''[nodding "yes"]'' Shmebulock. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever ''that'' is. :'''Announcer''': Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway? Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel. <hr width="50%"> :''[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]'' :'''Dipper''': Gimme that back or I'll- :'''Gideon''': Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh, huh? No muscles, no brains. Face it, you're nothin' without this. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got. :'''Soos''': Right away, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Soos? What are you doing here? :'''Soos''': Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it? :''[Soos runs in with a fire extinguisher.]'' :'''Stan''': You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was! :'''Soos''': Hey, I'm here for you, dude. :'''Stan''': The entire lower half of your body is on fire. :'''Soos''': Shhh, we're having a moment. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Wait. Wait. Stop everything. I’ve got something to say. :'''Blubs''': Not this guy again. :'''Stan''': Just wait! Look! You guys all think Gideon is so perfect and honest, "Oh. I can never tell a lie, I’m Gideon." :'''Blubs''': He’s more honest than you. :'''Durland''': Yeah! And he’s psychic too. :'''Stan''': How’s this for psychic? BAM! ''[kicks a metal stab revealing a control panel inside]'' Take a good look. :'''Lazy Susan''': Wait a minute? Is that me? ''[on the monitor]'' The secret ingredient to my coffee omelette is coffee. :'''Toby''': And me. :'''Doctor''': ''[on the monitor]'' I can verify that that birthmark is indeed disgusting. :'''Everyone''': That’s me! That’s me! That’s me! :'''Stan''': That's right; these pins are hidden cameras! And my hearing aid was picking up the feedback! Who's the fraud now? :''[Stan crushes the pin which indeed has a hidden camera inside. Everyone throws down their pins]'' :'''Durland''': Gideon, we gave you our trust. :'''Manly Dan''': You lied to us. :'''Gideon''': Please, I... It's not what it looks like. What are you gonna do with me? :'''Durland''': Tyler? :'''Tyler''': Get him. ''[sniffs]'' Get him. :'''Blubs''': Lil' Gideon, you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud and breaking our hearts. Durland, the tiny handcuffs. :'''Gideon''': ''[Durland handcuffs him]'' What?! No! :'''Stan''': Just one more thing! :'''Gideon''': ''[Stan picks him up and shakes him]'' Let go of me! Ow! Ow! Ow! :'''Stan''': ''[retrieves Journal Number Two and the deed to the Mystery Shack]'' I believe this belongs to me. :'''Gideon''': ''[gets loaded into a police car]'' No! No! Watch the hair! You can't do this to me! Y'all are sheep! You need me! I'll be back! You'll hear from my lawyers! :'''Shandra''': There you have it. Local hero Stanford Pines has just exposed Li'l Gideon as a fraud. Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford? :'''Stan''': The Mystery Shack is back, baby! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. ''[Hands Journal 3 to Stan]'' It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it. :''[Stan skims through the book]'' :'''Stan''': I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper. ''[laughs]'' Now I know where you've been getting it all from. Spookums and monsters. This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies. :'''Dipper''': But it's all real. :'''Stan''': Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff. Mind if I borrow this? :'''Dipper''': Wait, no. Grunkle Stan. :'''Stan''': "Magic book." ''[laughs more]'' Ridiculous. ''[leaves with the book]'' :'''Dipper''': Stan, I need it! :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands. You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not. :'''Dipper''': Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though. :'''Mabel''': I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway? ==Season 2== ===''Scary-oke'' [2.01]=== :'''Stan''': Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon. :'''Crowd''': Boo! :'''Stan''': Please, please. Boo ''harder.'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Agent Powers''': My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town. :'''Agent Trigger''': ''[pointing at Stan]'' ''Activity!'' :'''Stan''': "Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking. :'''Agent Powers''': I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs nervously]'' :'''Agent Powers''': I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," ''[gasps]'' "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra! :'''Stan''': Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Dipper, what is the one thing I asked you not to do tonight? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. :'''Mabel''': And what did you do? :'''Dipper''': Raise the dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': ''[fighting zombies]'' All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?! The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME! ===''Into the Bunker'' [2.02]=== :''[Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film]'' :'''Girl''': What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead. :'''Boy''': Far worse, Trixandra. They're NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE! :''[Title Screen: "NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!"]'' :'''Dipper''': Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies. :'''Wendy''': They're slow. Just power-walk away from them. :'''Dipper''': How much do you want to bet the guy dies first? :''[On the TV...]'' :'''Chadley''': Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot! :''[Dipper and Wendy laugh]'' :'''Wendy''': Chadley ain't pretty no more. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Oh, man. Was this place built in the past or the future? :'''Soos''': Yeah, this room is way creepy. :'''Mabel''': Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history. <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room]'' :'''Mabel''': They sure are taking their time in there. :'''Soos''': Didn't Dipper say something about a monster? :'''Mabel''': Oh, no. I thought he was joking. :'''Soos''': You know Dipper's jokes are terrible! <hr width="50%"> :''[After Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos trap the Shape Shifter back in the freezer]'' :'''Shape Shifter''': You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author! If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine - and this will be the last form you ever take! :''[It turns into Dipper and does a terrified scream, becoming frozen in that shape]'' :'''Soos''': ''[to Dipper]'' Good luck sleeping tonight. <hr width="50%"> :'''Wendy''': Listen Dipper, I'm like super flattered, but... I'm too old for you. I mean you know that, right? :'''Dipper''': Mabel said confessing would make me feel better. :'''Wendy''': Well how do you feel? :'''Dipper''': Anxious. Scared. Kinda itchy. :'''Wendy''': Dude, don't be itchy man. Let me tell you something. This summer was super boring until you showed up. I have more fun with you than like practically anybody else. And if you ever stopped being my friend... I would like throw myself into the Bottomless Pit! === ''The Golf War'' [2.03] === :'''Stan''': Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them. :'''Dipper''': Pass. <hr width="50%"> :''[Meeting the Lilliputtians]'' :'''Mabel''': Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud. :'''Dipper''': Pst, Mabel. This is perfect. These guys control the course. Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win. :'''Mabel''': I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating? :'''Dipper''': Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Northwest''': Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything. :'''Mrs. Northwest''': Oh, and looks. Winning and looks. :'''Pacifica''': Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours. I got this. You'll stay and watch, right? :'''Mr. Northwest''': Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper. Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': ''[to Sergei]'' How much you wanna bet they're no-shows? :''[Lights come on, revealing Mabel and Dipper]'' :'''Mabel''': Looking for someone? :'''Pacifica''': ''[sarcastic]'' Waiting in the dark? Not creepy at all. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Stan, Soos, Dipper and Mabel take Pacifica home in their car]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, I found two tacos. :'''Pacifica''': You're allowed to eat in the car? :'''Mabel''': Yeah. The car is where secret surprise snacks happen. Want one? :'''Pacifica''': Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts. :'''Mabel''': "Handouts"? It's called sharing. You do know what sharing is, right? :'''Pacifica''': "Sha... shahring"? :'''Mabel''': Just take it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': Tell your servant I like his W-neck. :'''Soos''': Yes! === ''Sock Opera'' [2.04] === :'''Mabel''': Don't stay up all night, Dipper. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you. :'''Dipper''': You again! :'''Bill''': Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me. :'''Dipper''': Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind! :'''Bill''': It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an '''''EYE ON YOU''''' since then, and I must say, I'm impressed. :'''Dipper''': Really? :'''Bill''': You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming. :''[He claps; a screaming head appears and drops in front of Dipper. Bill snaps and shreds the head to a skull layer by layer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... '''''favor''''' in return. :'''Dipper''': I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time! :'''Bill''': Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, ''[pretends to grab Dipper's brain]'' I'll be here for you, ready to make a deal. Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? ''AAH!'' ''[come to reality, Dipper wakes up]'' :'''Dipper''': ''AAH!'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. ''[slaps himself on the cheek]'' Whoo! ''[slaps the other cheek]'' Haha, pain is hilarious. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body, holding a can of Pitt cola]'' Human soda. I'm gonna drink it like a person. ''[pours it in his mouth and on his eyes, laughing]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[as a ghost]'' I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you! :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' But how can you stop me if you ''don't exist?'' ''[cackles evilly]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Hey, Soos, wanna hear the exact time and date of your death? :'''Soos''': ''[chuckles]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': He loves it. This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show? :'''Dipper''': ''[as a sock puppet]'' Mabel, you want me to be a sock puppet forever?! :'''Mabel''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sorry. You look funny when you're mad. :''[Dipper grunts angrily, which is the exact same thing Kermit the Frog did]'' :'''Mabel''': Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' How's about you hand that book over? :'''Mabel''': No way, this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away! :'''Bill''': Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you. So come to your senses. Give me the book or your play is ruined. There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling? :'''Mabel''': Dipper would. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's worn-out body]'' What is this feeling? My body is burning. I can't move these stupid noodle legs. Curse you, useless flesh-sticks. Body shutting down. Must... scratch... mosquito bites. <hr width="50%" /> :''[After Dipper and Mabel are forced to blow up the puppet show to get rid of Bill]'' :'''Mabel''': Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it. Cue applause! :''[the audience boos them and leaves]'' :'''Mabel''': Gabe. Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches. :'''Gabe''': Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form. Let's go, my loves. ''[leaves, kissing his puppets]'' :'''Dipper''': Did he just make out with his puppets? :'''Mabel''': I might've dodged a bullet there. === ''Soos and the Real Girl'' [2.05] === :''[Soos inserts "Romance Academy 7" disc into hard drive; a "Year 2000 Electronics" title screen is shown]'' :'''Soos''': Man, I can't wait for the year 2000. :''[the main menu for "Romance Academy 7" pops up; the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (Japanese for "spontaneous combustion")]'' :'''Soos''': Ehh, start. "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom, anthyding can hadplen." That is so true. :'''.GIFfany''': Oh, hi there. My name is .GIFfany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books? ''[options for "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'm really feeling number two here. Click. ''[buzzes]'' Ah! I messed up. :'''.GIFfany''': That's okay. Try again. ''[Soos clicks "Yes of course!", awards him "100 Love Points" as coins and a cat fall down the screen]'' :'''Soos''': Wow, I'm learning. And games are making it fun. :'''.GIFfany''': What would you like to talk about? ''[options for "Your interests!", "Samurais!" and "Squids!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'd rather just click your face. :''.GIFfany''': Ha ha. You are so funny. :'''Soos''': Man, this game is amazing. I don't know why anyone abandoned it. :'''.GIFfany''': And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend. :'''Soos''': Boyfriend? Oh my, Giffany. It's almost like you're actually alive. :'''.GIFfany''': Yes. Almost. Haha, Haha, Haha, Haha. :'''Soos''': Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh. <hr width=50%/> :'''.GIFfany''': ''[appears at once on several TVs]'' That's not important. ''[appears on several more TVs]'' What's important is that you don't have to talk to real girls ever again. You and me can be together... ''[appears on all the TVs at once]'' '''''forever.''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': You don't understand, Wendy. This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me. :'''Wendy''': This is literally too dumb for me to care about. <hr width=50%/> :'''Soos''': Please, let my friends go. I'll do anything you want, I promise. :'''.GIFfany''': I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend. Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. Do you really think that Melody will take you back after this awful date? I can download your brain into the game, with me, and we'll be together '''forever.''' :'''Soos''': Ah! Stay back! :'''.GIFfany''': Come on, Soos. Don't let me delete you too. :'''.GIFfany''': What do you say, boyfriend? :'''Soos''': I say '''''GAME OVER, GIFFANY!''''' ===''Little Gift Shop of Horrors'' [2.06]=== :'''Stan''': ''[at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern]'' Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams. ''[the traveller backs away]'' Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise". :''[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]'' :'''Stan''': Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Movies are great. You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you - next thing you know, you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart. Forget that last part. <hr width=50%/> :''[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]'' :'''Cinnamon''': You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart. :'''Shimmery Twinkleheart''': No, ''you'' did it, Cinnamon. :'''Mabel''': ''[with Twinkleheart]'' Because you believed in yourself. :''[Stan and Soos groan]'' :'''Dipper''': Everything about this is bad. :'''Stan''': Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day. :'''Mabel''': Ooh, old people movies. Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Those monsters are just tiny clay figures moved around one frame at a time by an antisocial shut-in. :'''Soos''': Those people are called animators. ===''Society of the Blind Eye'' [2.07]=== :'''Younger McGucket''': My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket. For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. ''[He holds up the memory erasing ray.]'' Test subject One: Fiddleford. ''[He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on]'' It worked! I can't recall a thing. ''[Static]'' I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! ''[Static, McGucket is more disheveled]'' Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. ''[Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.]'' I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... ''[static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.]'' I saw something in the lake, something big! ''[Rips his hair out, static.]'' My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? ''[static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:]'' Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! ''[which is Abtash for:]'' Bill Cipher! Triangle! ''[The tape ends as McGucket forms a triangle around his right eye]'' ===''Blendin's Game'' [2.08]=== :'''Young Soos''': ''[reading a postcard from his father]'' "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure. -Dad." :'''Reggie''': Hey, don't sweat it, cuz. You'll see him next year. :'''Young Soos''': ''Heh.'' Yeah. "Next year". :''[Soos puts the postcard in a box with several other similar cards]'' :'''Young Soos''': I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Time Baby''': Let the Globnar ''begin''. ===''The Love God'' [2.09]=== :'''Mabel''': So anyway, can you make ''anything'' fall in love? Like that snake and that badger? :'''Love God''': Hmm, ah gee, I dunno. That might be kinda hard to- ''[points at the animals]'' KABOOM! Match made. :'''Mabel''': They're gonna make a "snadger"! How are you doing that? :'''Love God''': Love potion, yo. I got it all: summer love, young love, anti-love. You just gotta put a little on your fingers, and pow! :'''Mabel''': I need that potion. How much would it cost? And would you accept squirrels as payment? :'''Love God''': Whoa-ho-ho! No way. You might ''think'' you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert. :'''Woman''': Love God! Sign my face! :'''Love God''': Only if you sign mine, baby, LET'S GET WEIRD! <hr width="50%"> :'''Teen 1''': ''[seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"]'' I eat kids? But we're kids! :'''Teen 2''': It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! ''[The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]'' :'''Charlie''': Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us? :'''Charlie's Mother''': Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will! ===''Northwest Mansion Mystery'' [2.10]=== :'''Priscilla''': Pacifica! The theme is seafoam green, not ''lake''foam green! Go change! :'''Pacifica''': But... I kinda like it. :'''Preston''': Listen to your mother, Pacifica. :'''Pacifica''': But- :''[Preston rings a handbell; Pacifica stops and sighs]'' :'''Pacifica''': Yes, Father. <hr width="50%"> :'''TV Announcer''': You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of ''Ghost Harassers'', on the [[w:History Channel|Used-To-Be-About-History Channel]]! :'''Dipper''': ''[sips a Pitt cola]'' Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset. <hr width="50%"> :'''Preston''': Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind? :'''Dipper''': ''"My kind"?'' ''[Looks at Pacifica]'' I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain. :'''Pacifica''': I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but- :''[Preston rings the bell]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]'' :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will ''BURN!'' ''[laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]'' :'''Pacifica''': Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back! :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise! :'''Preston''': Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. ''[whispering]'' We'll eat the butler. ''[Pacifica reaches for the lever]'' You dare to disobey us? ''[he rings his bell. Pacifica struggles with herself, then finally defies him]'' Dingally dingally! Is this bell broken? :'''Pacifica''': Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it! :''[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Get in, get in. :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': Yes! ''YES!'' It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. ''[restores the Manor and the guests to normal]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Marius von Fundshauser''': Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you ''mein'' phone number? :'''Grenda''': I don't have a phone! Write it on my face! :'''Mabel''': Whoa! Go, Grenda. :'''Candy''': I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid. :'''Mabel''': What? I call co-bridesmaid. ===''[[w:Not What He Seems|Not What He Seems]]'' [2.11]=== :'''Soos''': ''[pointing at the portal timer]'' It's the final countdown! Just like {{w|Europe (band)|they always}} {{w|The Final Countdown (song)|sung about}}! <hr width=50%> :'''Agent Powers''': Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges? :'''Stan''': Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call? :''[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy. :'''Stan''': ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''Soos!''" :'''Soos''': ''[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker]'' Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation? :'''Stan''': "''Soos, pick up!''" ''[Soos picks up walkie-talkie]'' :'''Soos''': Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food. :'''Stan''': "''Listen, I need something from you.''" ''[at police station]'' You know that vending machine in the gift shop? ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine.''" :''[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]'' :'''Soos''': Time for a repair guy to become a repair man. :'''Drive-Thru Employee''': ''[hands out a kids box]'' Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal? :'''Soos''': Just put one in my mouth. ''[employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it]'' Let's do this. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[drops toxic waste on his foot]'' HOT BELGAN WAFFLES! Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real. ''[inhales]'' SON OF A- :''[Dipper quickly fast-forwards the tape while Mabel covers her ears]'' :'''Dipper''': That's him, alright. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[while Soos is tackling his boss]'' Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order! :'''Soos''': Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids! :'''Stan''': Soos, you idiot, let me go! <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head! :'''Stan''': Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy? :'''Dipper''': He's lying! Shut it down NOW! :'''Stan''': Mabel, please! :'''Computer''': Ten. Nine. :''[Mabel struggles to decide who to listen to]'' :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan... :'''Computer''': Six. Five. :''[she lets go of the button switch and floats up]'' :'''Mabel''': ...I trust you. :'''Dipper''': '''MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!''' :'''Computer''': One. :''[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel disappear in an explosion of white light as each of them screams. Everything floats through the white light for several seconds before it disappears and they all come crashing back down. A mysterious figure comes out of the portal, places his six-fingered hand on the journal, and puts it in his jacket pocket]'' :'''Dipper''': What...? Who is that? :'''Stan''': The author of the journals. ''[The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan]'' My brother. :'''Mabel''': Is this the part where one of us faints? :'''Soos''': Oh, I am so on it, dude. ''[Does so]'' ===''A Tale of Two Stans'' [2.12]=== :'''Ford''': Hehehehe, Wait up! :'''Stan''': Yeah, you should keep up. :'''Ford''': I...I can keep up. ''[Peeks through some boards]'' Whoa. :'''Stan''': Neato. :'''Ford''': Mysterious, boarded-up cave. It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms. Or Mesoamerican gold. :'''Stan''': Uh, ladies first. :''[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]'' :''[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]'' :'''Stan''': Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! ''[Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it]'' Cool. Splinters. :'''Ford''': ''[Shines flashlight into the cave]'' Whoa, it's so creepy in here. :'''Stan''': ''[Comes into the cave]'' Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place. :''[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]'' :'''Stan and Ford''': ''[Walk off, chanting:]'' Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ford''': I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley. :'''Dipper''': Stanley? :'''Mabel''': But... your name is Stanford. :'''Ford''': Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head? :'''Dipper''': Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret? :'''Mabel''': And what happened between you and your brother? :'''Soos''': I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother! :'''Ford''': ''[Punches him in the face]'' :'''Stan''': Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for? :'''Ford''': This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings? :'''Stan''': Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension? :'''Ford''': Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago? :'''Stan''': What I did? Why, you ungrateful... ''[Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him]'' Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. ''[As Ford slams him to the ground]'' Ah! :'''Mabel''': Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?! :'''Ford''': Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher? :'''Soos''': Heh heh. I get that a lot. :'''Stan''': They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids. :'''Ford''': I...have a niece and nephew? ''[Shakes Mabel's hand]'' Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal. :'''Ford''': Heha, I like this kid. She's weird. :'''Dipper''': I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals! :'''Ford''': You've read my journals? :'''Dipper''': I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I ''[Starts breathing heavily]'' OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. ''[Mabel comes over and pats him on the back]'' Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out. <hr width=50%/> :''[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[in a commercial]'' Hi there. I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises. Are you sick of this always happening to you? ''[gets splashed with juice]'' Then you need the shammy of the future. Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon. That's the Sham-Total. It's a total sham. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. Suckers! I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania. :'''Stanley''': ''[in another commercial]'' Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off. The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes. :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' It gave you rashes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': ''[voiceover]'' I knew I'd have to record my findings. ''[in flashback, Stanford traces his hand on gold paper and uses it to create Journal 1]'' I began to keep a journal. :'''Dipper''': ''[squeals excitedly]'' '''The journals!''' ''[everyone stares at Dipper]'' Sorry, sorry, just uh... ''[clears throat]'' ...got excited there about the journals. Keep...keep talking. :'''Ford''': I began to keep a journal. ''[Dipper squeals again; clears throat]'' Just going to ignore that… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stanley''': Look, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee. :'''Stanford''': Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore. :'''Stanley''': Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay? :'''Stanford''': I have something to show you. Something you won't believe. :'''Stanley''': Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. ''[standing in the portal room]'' There is nothing about this I understand. :'''Stanford''': It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left, and you are the only person I can trust to take it. ''[gives Stan the journal]'' I have something to ask of you. Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can, to the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it. :'''Stanley''': That's it?! You finally want to see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible? :'''Stanford''': Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against. What I've been through. :'''Stanley''': No, no! You don't understand what ''I've'' been through! I've been to prison in three different countries. I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? ''I've got a mullet, Stanford''! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods. Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself! :'''Stanford''': I'm selfish? ''I'm'' selfish, Stanley?! How can you say that after costing me my dream school?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen! :'''Stanley''': Well listen to this: You want me to get rid of this book? Fine. I'll get rid of it right now! ''[he pulls out a lighter and brings it to Journal 3]'' :'''Ford''': No! ''[Grabs the journal]'' You don't understand! :'''Stan''': ''[Takes it back]'' You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it! :'''Ford''': My research! ''[Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him]'' Stanley, give it back! ''[Pushes him onto some of the buttons]'' :'''Stan''': You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that! :''[The portal turns on as they struggle over the journal]'' :'''Stan''': You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life! :'''Ford''': You ruined your own life! ''[Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams in pain and falls to the floor]'' Stanley! Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! Are you alr- :''[Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever]'' :'''Stan''': Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE EM! ''[Shoves Ford back into the portal, and he starts getting sucked into it]'' Whoa whoa hey, what's going on? Hey hey, Stanford- :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley, help me! :'''Stan''': Oh no, what do I do?! :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! ''[Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal. A flash of white engulfs everything and fades]'' :'''Stan''': Stanford? ''[Ford's glasses fall onto the floor as he runs to the portal]'' Stanford, come back! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! ''[Pounds on the side of the portal which turns off. He runs to the lever and tries to pull it]'' I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah come on! ''STANFORD!'' ''[Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:]'' I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. ''[Stanley renovates Stanford's house into the Mystery Shack]'' So once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so, the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack. :''[Shows the Murder Hut aka Mystery Shack over the years.]'' :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheap paid off. ''[Stanley grows up.]'' The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery! ''[Stan shows the crowd out and goes behind the vending machine.]'' But by night, I was down in the basement trying to bring the real Stanford back. I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth in sabotoging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids. :'''Dipper''': So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you. :'''Stan''': That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either. ===''Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons'' [2.13]=== :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today! :'''Mabel''': Dogs! Dogs with hats! :'''Dipper''' No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: ''[holding up the boxed game]'' Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me? :'''Mabel''': Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play? :'''Dipper''' The rules are simple. ''[opens game book]'' First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel. :'''Mabel''': And ''then'' we ride unicorns? :'''Dipper''': Yes. And no. First we make a graph. :'''Mabel''': Ugh, this is like Homework: The Game! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and play! <hr width=50%> :''[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]'' :'''Ford''': Ah! My ears. They're so pointy. :'''Dipper''': There better be something protective under this tunic... ''[checks]'' OH NO, THERE ISN'T! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': The Impossibeast?! Hey, I thought they banned this character! :'''Probabilitor''': Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': Dipper, can I tell you something? :''[Dipper nods]'' :'''Ford''': You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, ''[pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone]'' I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: ''[holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it]'' an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand? :'''Dipper''': Oh-uh, of course. :'''Ford''': In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do. :'''Dipper''': Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford. :'''Ford''': Goodnight, Dipper. ===''The Stanchurian Candidate'' [2.14]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[reading from parchment]'' Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly ''kiss'' upon him, anointing him mayor. ''[awkward pause]'' I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. :'''Misha''': No way! You would never ever do that, dude… I mean, Dipper! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview? :'''Stan''': I got my mouth, don't I? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]'' :'''Dipper''': And he's insisting on speaking his mind! ''[Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]'' :'''Ford''': So this ''is'' an emergency. :'''Dipper''': The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure. :'''Ford''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to [[brainwashing|control someone else]]. ''[opens his drawer]'' Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. ''[Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie]'' A long time ago, I designed a prototype for [[Ronald Reagan]]'s masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head. :'''Dipper''': ''[peers inside the tie]'' Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically [[ambiguity|ambiguous]]! :'''Ford''': ''[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper]'' As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to. :'''Dipper''': Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! ''[runs off]'' :'''Ford''': ''[waves, resumes his research]'' Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup? :'''Dipper''': ''[to Mabel]'' Jump in! Jump in! :''[Turns on the switch]'': :'''Stan''': ''[Under Mabel's control]'' Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! ''[Snaps his fingers]'' I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. ''[Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan]'' But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos''': YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shandra''': ''[on TV]'' This just in! Stanford Pines loses! ''[a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]'' :'''Dipper, Mabel, and Stan''': ''[watching]'' WHAT?! :'''Shandra''': Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record. :'''Stan''': Oh boy... :'''Mabel''': Stan, what did you do?! :'''Stan''': What ''didn't'' I do? :'''Shandra''': ''[reading through papers]'' Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...? :'''Stan''': ''[shakes fist]'' That llama knew too much! :'''Shandra''': Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker. :''[Tyler is shown on a podium, with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland giving him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers as a crowd cheers]'' :'''Tyler''': ''[blushing]'' Got it. :'''Shandra''': ''[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from]'' We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking... :''[Before Stan turns off the TV, a list is shown reading: "FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY."]'' :'''Stan''': Whew! At least they didn't list any of the ''bad'' ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast. ===''The Last Mabelcorn'' [2.15]=== :'''Wendy''': Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! ''AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!'' <hr width="50%"/> : '''Shady Gnome''': ''[trades two bags for a jar containing butterflies]'' Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed. :'''Grenda''': ''[checks bags]'' Where do you get this stuff? : '''Shady Gnome''': Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it’s made. :'''Grenda''': ''[takes off shades]'' You disgust me. :'''Shady Gnome''': You've got your poison, I've got mine. We made a deal. :'''Grenda''': Yeah, well, the deal is OFF! :''[Several police officer gnomes spring out, aiming pinecones at the shady gnome]'' :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Freeze! You're under arrest! Get down! Get down! :'''Shady Gnome''': These butterflies aren't mine! I swear! I've been framed! :'''Police Officer Gnome''': Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge! ''[to Grenda]'' My cut? ''[Grenda gives him one of the bags]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again? :'''Red Unicorn''': That is messed up, man. :'''Mabel''': Wait, "scam"? :'''Red Unicorn''': Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music. ''[horn lights up and plays music]'' :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone. :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Guys, shut up. :'''Mabel''': ''[enraged]'' All this time, all this time I thought I was a bad person, but you're even '''''worse''''' than I am! :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Okay, fine! So you learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off. What are you gonna do about it? Huh, huh? What are you gonna do? :''[Mabel punches her on the nose, making it leak rainbow-colored blood]'' :'''Wendy''': Woo! Go, Mabel! :'''Grenda''': Join the dark side! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?! :'''Bill''': Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart. Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party. Right, guys? :''[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]'' :'''Ford''': No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down! :'''Bill''': A deal's a deal, Sixer. You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try. Cute, even. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': To Bill, it's just a game, but to us it would mean... ''THE END OF OUR WORLD!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ford''': You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel. :'''Mabel''': Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative. :'''Stan ''': ''[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold]'' MONEY! ===''Roadside Attraction'' [2.16]=== :'''Stan''': Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure. :'''Dipper''': Hey, we're both failures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darlene''': You win this round, Stan! But mark my words, as long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stan's RV enters Gravity Falls. The kids cheer]'' :'''Dipper''': I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps. :'''Stan''': Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen- SWEET LORD! ''[Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners]'' AH, ''COME ON''! :''[closeup on graffiti: "Stan is a HACK!"; "Stan is a BUTT: Granny Sweetkins says eat it <u>Pines</u>!"; the Upside-Down Town boss rotates the gift shop sign upside-down as payback; the Corn Maze Worker breaks one headlight on Stan's RV with a baseball ball]'' :'''Corn Maze Worker''': That's what you get! That's what you '''get'''! :'''Stan''': I don't understand. I ''completely'' don't deserve this. :'''Dipper''': Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up? :'''Mabel''': Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway? :''[post-credits scene: Soos is still stuck in the Corn Maze]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. ''[pause]'' Don't move. ''[another long pause]'' You know, I would make a really good scarecrow. ===''Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future'' [2.17]=== :''[At the Gravity Falls High School]'' :'''Wendy''': My dawgs! What up? :'''Mabel''': Wendy, what are you doing here? :'''Wendy''': Ugh, high school registration. :'''Mabel''': Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more "rom-com", or "wacky romp"? :'''Wendy''': More like "teen horror movie". High school is the worst. Classes get super-hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you! :'''Thompson''': Can't do it! CAN'T DO ANOTHER YEAR! :'''Robbie''': My hormones are like a SWEATY CAGE! :'''Mabel''': Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of [[w:High School Musical (franchise)|musical]]. :'''Wendy''': TV ''lied'', man! If you can avoid growing up, do it! I'd give anything to be twelve again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Hey, everything all right, pumpkin? :'''Mabel''': Just can't believe the summer's almost over. And now that I know how awful high school's going to be, I'm in no hurry to start that train wreck. :'''Stan''': Ah, nobody likes gettin' older. But just because you're growing doesn't mean you have to ''grow up,'' you know? I mean, look at me. I'm pushin' 70 and I ''still'' eat ice cream for dinner! :'''Mabel''': But I don't wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls. :'''Stan''': Hey, at least whatever happens after this summer, you'll still have your brother along with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that, you know? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mabel''': Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. ''[holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation]'' Ford's apprentice? Seriously?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me. :'''Mabel''': Well, it's a ''horrible'' opportunity for ''me!'' I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work. :'''Mabel''': I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever. :'''Dipper''': But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends. :''[Mabel glances at Dipper, pushes him away and runs off crying; she unknowingly grabs Dipper's backpack while running out]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back! <hr width="50%"/> :'''"Blendin"''': Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out. It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to! :'''Mabel''': R-really? But how does it work? :'''"Blendin"''': I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. ''[shows the rift]'' Something small; he won't even know it's missing. :'''Mabel''': Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag. :''[Cut to Ford's lab]'' :'''Ford''': Let me guess. Mabel didn't take it well? :'''Dipper''': I don't know, maybe I'm making the wrong decision. I need to think about this. :'''Ford''': Dipper, right now we need to focus on the mission. Now come on, I've got the glue; hand me the rift and let's make history. :''[Dipper reaches into his bag, but he takes out the birthday flyer instead of the rift]'' :'''Dipper''': What? OH, NO! '''''THE RIFT!''''' :''[Cut back outside as Mabel takes out the rift]'' :'''Mabel''': Huh, that's...odd. Is this it? :'''"Blendin"''': Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls? :'''Mabel''': Just a little more summer...''[hands over the rift]'' :'''"Blendin"''': '''''OOPS!''''' ''[drops the rift and smashes it with his boot]'' :'''Mabel''': What?! :''[Blendin cackles, taking off his goggles to show he is possessed by Bill Cipher]'' :'''Mabel''': Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait! :''[Bill snaps his fingers, knocking Mabel out. Cackling, he emerges from Blendin's body]'' :'''Bill''': At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! '''''THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dipper''': What's going on? What is that?! :'''Ford''': We're too late. '''It's the end of the world.''' ===''Weirdmageddon Part 1'' [2.18]=== :''[As Bill Cipher towers over Gravity Falls and its citizens]'' :'''Bill''': '''All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets!''' For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill. But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity. :''[he melts the statue of Nathaniel Northwest]'' :'''Bill''': Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends. ''[as various creatures come out of the scar in the sky]'' 8 Ball. Kryptos. The being whose name must never be said. Haha, what the heck? It's Zanthar. Then, of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire and these guys. This is our town now, boys! ''[all his friends start cackling out loud]'' :'''Mayor Tyler''': Now see here, you unholy triangle fella! As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here! :'''Lazy Susan''': Yeah! Things with one eye are weird! :'''Grenda''': We don't like out-of-towners! :'''Manly Dan''': ''[ripping a mailbox in half]'' AND WE PUNCH WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND! :'''Mr. Northwest''': I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your... Horsemen of the Apocalypse? :'''Pacifica''': Dad! :'''Mr. Northwest''': Not now, sweetie. The grownups are talking. :'''Bill''': Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How 'bout instead, I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face? :''[He clicks his fingers, and Mr. Northwest's face is suddenly grotesquely mixed up; he falls to the ground, giving out muffled screams as his family watches in horror; Bill cackles as people flee, and turns Deputy Durland to stone]'' :'''Sheriff Blubs''': Durland! My precious Deputy Durland, no! ''[one of the "Eye-Bats" transports Durland away]'' :'''Bill''': It's time we do a little redecorating! I could really use a ''castle'' of some kind! ''[causes a pyramid to form and float in the sky]'' And how about some bubbles of ''PURE MADNESS?! [summons colourful bubbles; one passes through Sprott, making him scream madly and rip his shirt apart]'' This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, to ''''' WEIRDMAGEDDON!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': So, this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a ''[twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion]'' "boop-boop." <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill! :'''Bill''': Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle: Why did the old man do this? ''[holds his arms at his sides vertically]'' :'''Ford''': ''[copying Bill's pose]'' "This?" ''[Bill suddenly turns him into a gold statue]'' :'''Bill''': Because I needed a new backscratcher. ''[Laughs with the Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Dipper''': That's ''ENOUGH!'' Hand over my uncle! ''[Holds up Journal 3]'' Or else! :'''Bill''': Now isn't...this...'''''INTERESTING?''''' ''[teleports right in front of Dipper]'' My old puppet is back for an encore! ''[dangles the petrified Ford]'' You think ''you'' can stop me? Go ahead, Pinetree, show me what you got! :'''Dipper''': ''[flips through Journal 3]'' I...uh, I...''[sees a blacklight entry on Bill saying "IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM THEN ALL IS LOST!"]'' :'''Bill''': ''[mockingly]'' "I, um, I-" Do it, kid! Do some ''brilliant'' thing that takes me down right now! Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone's waiting! ''DO IT!'' :'''Dipper''': ''BILL-!'' ''[lunges at Bill, who effortlessly blasts him into a tree. The Henchmaniacs jeer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[levitates the Journals]'' That's right. Don't be a hero, kid! ''[shows Ford]'' This'' is what happens to heroes in ''my'' world! ''[Sets the Journals aflame]'' :'''Dipper''': ''NO!'' The Journals! :'''Bill''': Not much of a threat now, are you? <hr width=50%> :''[Observing the weird phenomena all over Gravity Falls]'' :'''Wendy''': End of the world... man, those death metal album covers got it ''shockingly'' right. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill and his friends party in the Fearamid]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' Go nuts, guys! When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2. :''[Pounding is heard]'' :'''Voice''': Open up! This is the police. Time Police! :'''Bill''': Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch. Let me do the talking. :''[The Time Police and Time Baby blast in through the front doors]'' :'''Lolph''': Bill Cipher, you are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer. :'''Blendin''': My body is a temple! How dare you! :'''Time Baby''': Hear this, Cipher. :'''Bill''': Ugh, Time Baby. :'''Time Baby''': If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now, or face my tantrum. :'''Bill''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh no, a tantrum. Whatever will I do about that? '''HOW 'BOUT THIS?!?!''' '''''BOOM!''''' :''[He points at Time Baby and the police, instantly vaporizing them; eye turns into a mouth and blows the smoke off his finger]'' :'''Kryptos''': Ah, snap! He just killed Time Baby! ''[they all start partying again; Blendin hides behind a pole]'' :'''Blendin''': Aw, man! This has gone from bad to worse! I gotta get outta time-dodge! ''[uses his time tape and disappears]'' ===''Weirdmageddon 2: Escape from Reality'' [2.19]=== :'''Bill''': Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces. :'''Creature''': Eighty-''eight'' different faces. :'''Bill''': Whoa-ho, sorry. Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony. Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore... probably. :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[groans, unfreezes]'' Uh, my omelettes. They... have friendly faces. :'''Bill''': Whoops. Hehe, back, back you go there. ''[pats her back, she turns back into stone]'' But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! All right, boys, to the corners of the Earth! Set the world aflame with your weirdness! This dimension is ours! ''[the creatures fly out of the pyramid]'' Ah, global domination. I could get used to- ''[the creatures slam into the forcefield]'' '''WHAT?!''' ''[flies out and touches the forcefield]'' Hmm, this might be more complicated than I thought. :'''Paci-Fire''': I think I broke something. :'''Bill''': '''''WALK IT OFF!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': All right, can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound '''''INFINITE POWER''''', ''[summons a thunderstorm]'' none of us can escape the borders of this '''''STUPID HICK TOWN?!?''''' There's some kind of forcefield keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it? ''[looks at the petrified Ford]'' Hmm... ''[his eye cycles through images of the Journals]'' Maybe ''someone'' needs to come out of retirement. :'''Keyhole''': Bill! Sorry, boss, but Gideon let the Pines family escape! They're inside Mabel's bubble as we speak! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' Buddy, Mabel's bubble is the most diabolical trap I've ever created. It would take a will of ''titanium'' not to give in to its temptation! Fetch me Gideon and take the rest of the day off. ''[looks at Mabel's bubble in the distance]'' Things just got a little more interesting... <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': ''[pants]'' Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real ''world''! :''[many people and Mabel gasp out of earshot; Waffle Guards tackle Dipper down on the ground]'' :'''Dipper''': Hey! :'''Waffle Guard''': Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. ''[people mutter indistinctly]'' Prepare to be banished from this land forever! ''[open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You're smarter than this! Bill has you hypnotized or something! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?! :'''Mabel''': No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way. :'''Waffle Guard''': Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. ''[is bitten]'' Hey! Seriously?! :'''Soos''': ''[pointing to a stuffed rhino]'' It was him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever! :'''Dippy Fresh''': Hey, take a chill pill. Those grow on trees here. :'''Dipper''': You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh! :'''Soos''': Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Look, real life stinks sometimes, okay, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I thought ''you'' were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear, because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've travelled to Heck and back to get you, and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together. :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': ORDER! ORDER! ''[Bangs mallet]'' ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT, why is this hammer squeaky?! :'''Mabel''': You mean it? You're really coming home with me? :'''Dipper''': Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Awkward sibling hug? :''[Crowd shrieks]'' :'''Blue Bird''': Just don't do it! :'''Craz''': DON'T DO IT! :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': You do this and it's all over! :'''Mabel''': ''Sincere'' sibling hug. ''[Hugs Dipper]'' :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': DON'T DO THE PATS! :'''Dipper and Mabel''': ''[Pat each other]'' Pat pat. ''[A ripple comes from their spot, blowing Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein's wig away and one of the benches falls over. All of the jurors disappear]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[Rubs eyes]'' Aw, man, I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week? <hr width=50%> :''[Xyler and Craz emerge from a pile of confetti]'' :'''Xyler''': Whoa! We survived! ''[they stand up, Craz spits confetti]'' :'''Craz''': But where are we? ''[they walk to a bench and sit down]'' :'''Xyler''': Are we real? Is this reality? ''[they observe Gravity Falls in its chaos and destruction]'' [[Cats]] postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance. :'''Craz''': Totally righteous, bro. :'''Xyler''': I know. ===''Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back The Falls'' [2.20]=== :'''Larry King's Head''': Hey, is anyone gon' feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head needs num-nums. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes. :'''Jeff the Gnome''': Hey! I'm short, not deaf! :'''Stan''': Shh. Stress will make you chewy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ford''': Quit the games, Cipher! If I'm still alive, you must want something from me. :'''Bill''': Ah, sharp as ever, Fordsy. As you may have noticed, I've recently had a ''multidimensional makeover. I control space, matter, and now that that dumb baby's out of the way, time itself. But I wasn't always this way. You think those chains are tight? Imagine living in the Second Dimension: [[w:Flatland|flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams.]] I liberated my dimension, Stanford, and I'm here to liberate yours. There's just one hitch. As it turns out, my weirdness can't escape the magical confines of this town. There's something keeping me in. :'''Ford''': Incredible! Gravity Falls' Natural Law of Weirdness Magnetism - I studied this years ago! :'''Bill''': And did you find a way to undo it? :'''Ford''': Of course. There's a simple equation that could collapse the barrier. But I'd never tell you! :'''Bill''': Listen, Ford - if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free. Anything will be possible! I'll remake a fun world, a better world! A party that never ends with a host that never dies! No more restrictions! No more laws! You'd be one of us. All-powerful! Greater than anything you've imagined! And all I need is your help. :'''Ford''': You're insane if you think I'll help you! :'''Bill''': ''[laughs]'' I'm insane either way, brainiac! But have it your way! I'll just fish around and get that equation ''directly out of your mind! [prepares to enter Ford's mind]'' :'''Ford''': Not so fast! You know the rules, Bill. ''[Bill returns to physical form]'' You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and let you in! :'''Bill''': ''[sighs, chains Ford up]'' You're making this so much harder than it needs to be. Everyone has a weakness, tough guy! I'll make you talk. It's only a matter of time! ''[Ford screams]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Soos''': Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords. :'''McGucket''': What's an anime? :'''Soos''': We have much to discuss. :'''Stan''': Discuss nothing. These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash. Excuse my French. :'''French Lilliputian''': Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir. ''[Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The Gravity Falls rebels confront Bill's gang in the "Shacktron"]'' :'''Soos''': ''[through a microphone]'' Uh, hey, dudes. Is this thing on? Test. ''[feedback screeches]'' Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. ''[pointing at Paci-Fire]'' Hey, you're a little cutie. :'''Paci-Fire''': I have butchered millions on countless moons. :'''Soos''': Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy. <hr width-"50%> :''[After the "Shacktron" defeats Bill's Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Bill''': Guys, seriously? You had, like, ''one'' job to do here. :'''Ford''': Bravo, Dipper and Mabel! :'''Bill''': ...Well, would you look at that! Those kids really care about you. And you care about them. '''''DON'T YOU?''''' :'''Ford''': What are you-? Oh. Oh, no! :'''Bill''': Perhaps torturing those kids'll make you talk. <hr width="50%"> :''[Grenda rips out Bill's eye with the Shacktron]'' :'''Bill''': ARGH! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Last chance: tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids! :'''Dipper''': No! Don't do it! :'''Mabel''': Yeah, Bill makes bad deals! :'''Bill''': Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! ''[his eye shows an image of a galaxy]'' I SEE EVERYTHI- ''[Mabel sprays it with paint]'' OW! Not again! Why?! ''Every'' time! :'''Stan''': Nice shot, pumpkin! :'''Bill''': I just regenerated that eye! :'''Mabel''': I ''know'' that hurts, because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': You two wait here! I've got some children I need to make into corpses! ''[morphs into a huge, red, multi-armed form]'' '''SEE YA REAL SOON!''' :'''Stan''': No! Wait! No! No! Oh, what do we do? What do we do?! :'''Ford''': ''[frantically bangs on cage bars]'' Kids! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna '''DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES! YOU'VE TRICKED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup. :'''Ford''': ''[sighs]'' Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. ''[drinks from "water" flask and shares it with Stan]'' :'''Stan''': How did things get so messed up between us? :'''Ford''': We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it? :'''Stan''': Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. ''[Ford stands up]'' Whoa, where are you going? :'''Ford''': I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free. :'''Stan''': What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?! :'''Ford''': Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind. :'''Stan''': What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything. :'''Ford''': ''[chuckles]'' There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids. :'''Stan''': Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal? :'''Ford''': What other choice do we have? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! EENY... MEENY... MINEY...'''YOU!''' :'''Stan''': ''[wearing Ford’s clothes and imitating Ford’s voice]'' Wait! I surrender. :'''Bill''': Good choice. :'''Ford''': ''[wearing Stan’s clothes and imitating Stan’s voice]'' Don’t do it Ford! It’ll destroy the universe! :'''Stan''': It’s the only way! :'''Bill''': HAHAHAHA! Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along. ''[drops the cage and ties up Ford]'' :'''Stan''': My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go! :'''Bill''': Fine! :'''Dipper''': No! Grunkle Ford! Don’t trust him! :'''Bill''': It's a...DEAL! ''[Holds Stan's right hand, then enters the mental realm, petrifying his physical form and enters Stan’s mind]'' :'''Bill''': Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi- ''[opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]'' :'''Stan''': ''[Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]'' :'''Bill''': '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Stan''': Heh-heh, do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart. Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it. :''[Outside of Stan's mind, Ford pulls out the memory gun and aims it at Stan]'' :'''Bill''': What?! The deal's off! What the-?! No, no, no, NO! :'''Stan''': Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh? :'''Bill''': Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?! :'''Stan''': Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway. :'''Bill''': Let me outta here! Let me OUT! Why isn't this working?! :'''Stan''': Hey, look at me. Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon. You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family. :'''Bill''': ''You're'' making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! '''''PLEASE!''''' No...! '''WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!''' ''[begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words that, when played in reverse, are revealed to be:]'' '''A-X-O-L-O-T-L! MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN!''' '''''STANLEY!''''' ''[Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]'' :'''Stan''': Heh. Guess I was good for something after all. <hr width="50%"> :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. It's not on any maps and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods, waiting. ==Cast== *[[w:Jason Ritter|Jason Ritter]] – Dipper Pines *[[w:Kristen Schaal|Kristen Schaal]] – Mabel Pines *[[w:Alex Hirsch|Alex Hirsch]] – Grunkle Stan/Soos/Old Man McGucket/Bill Cipher *[[w:Linda Cardellini|Linda Cardellini]] – Wendy Corduroy *[[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Ford Pines (season 2) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Disney Channel shows]] [[Category:Disney XD shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about twins]] [[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]] inwfj2spasit163kgv18bmx76vod74m 0 138371 3955243 3952325 2026-06-22T07:05:37Z ~2026-34778-23 3341197 /* Dialogue */ 3955243 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''{{w|Thomas and the Magic Railroad}}''''' is a 2000 British-American feature film based on the [[w:TV series|TV series]] ''[[Thomas & Friends|Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends]]'' and ''[[Shining Time Station]]''. :''Directed and written by [[w:Britt Allcroft|Britt Allcroft]].'' {{center|'''Take the magic journey.'''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Mr. Conductor:''' ''[voice only]'' Hello, I'm Mr. Conductor and I'm going to tell you a story about trains folks far apart and the Magic Railroad that brought them together. ''[first shot shows Thomas, a tank engine chuffs his way out of a tunnel]'' Every story like a railroad has its heroes. Meet Thomas. He's our number one hero. :'''Thomas:''' ''[whistle blows]'' Hello! :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[voice only]'' But he's running a little late today. This is the Island of Sodor where Thomas and his friends live. It's at one end of my special universe. ''[shot shows Henry pulling freight cars under a bridge]'' I like helping out here. By the invitation of Sir Topham Hatt, of course. :'''Gordon''': ''[waits at the station]'' Five, six, seven, eight… :'''Thomas''': ''[pulls up beside Gordon]'' Who do we appreciate? Practicing your numbers, Gordon. That's a good engine. :'''Gordon''': I'm counting how many seconds late you are. What does that sign say? :'''Thomas''': Hmm… ''[reads the sign]'' "Sodor Railway, really reliable and right on time. ''[Gordon scoffs]'' Signed, head of the railway, Sir Topham Hatt." :'''Gordon''': But you weren't on time, little Thomas. :'''Thomas''': And you're being bossy, Gordon. ''[Gordon scoffs again]'' Now, please excuse me. I'm meeting Mr. Conductor. He's looking after us while Sir Topham Hatt takes a much needed holiday. :'''Gordon''': Oh, I think we can take care of ourselves. :'''Diesel 10''': ''[rushes through the station]'' '''''GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!!''''' I have unfinished business here, and I wanna finish it '''''FAST!''''' :'''Gordon''': ''[quivers in fright]'' D-Diesel 10's back! :'''Thomas''': Yes, 10 out of 10 for devious deeds and brutal strength! The blast from the past who ''hates'' steam engines! :'''Gordon''': Maybe we do need Mr. Conductor here after all. On time! <hr width=60%> :'''Diesel 10''': Help you? ''[evil laugh]'' You always need help because steam engines are cowardly, cranky worn out hunks of metal who couldn't hurt a fly! :'''James''': ''[a pet peeve (Sandal) is flying around his face]'' No, we're not! :'''Diesel 10''': Yes, you are! :'''James''': Aren't! :'''Diesel 10''': ''Are''! Now, I've come back to find a lost steam engine. :'''James''': What? :'''Diesel 10''': I'm gonna destroy her and dominate you! ''[Pinchy makes chomping noises]'' And then, you ain't nothing but useless scrap! Right, Pinchy? <hr width=60%> :'''Burnett Stone''': ''[sees Patch with a flashlight]'' How did you find me here? :'''Patch''': I found the entrance to your workshop ages ago, but I would never tell anybody. <hr width=60%> :'''Diesel 10''': Not the one I want. She escaped me once before as long as she exists so do the others but if she can be destroyed… :'''Splatter''': Destroyed? :'''Dodge''': Did you say "destroyed"? :'''Splatter''': The "d" word? :'''Dodge''': Like hurt? :'''Diesel 10''': Yeah, destroyed! :'''Splatter''': Uh, there's one small problem; boss. :'''Dodge''': Yeah, Mr. Conductor's coming, and he won't let you destroy her. :'''Splatter''': He won't let you. :'''Diesel 10:''' '''''I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, I'LL GET HIM TOO WITH PINCHY!''''' ''[Pinchy raises up high, makes chomping noises; hits him in the face]'' Ow! Pinchy, I hate it when you do that! <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': Old Smokey, you stay right here 'til I get back! ''[to Mutt]'' There you are. Is something wrong here? ''[Mutt rolls his face at him]'' What kind of an answer is that? I'm going to be late. I'll get back as fast as I can. I have to concentrate now; Mutt. I'm suddenly having problems with my sparkle. ''[Mutt whines, looks away]'' Mutt? ''[bends down]'' Goodbye, Mutt. ''[Mutt barks]'' Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle! <hr width=60%> :'''Lily''': Grandpa's been so sad since Grandma Tasha died, and he never comes here to see us. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Well, maybe your visit will cheer him up. Did you get his present? :'''Lily''': Here. I'm making him a friendship bracelet. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Honey, that's beautiful. :'''Lily''': But I'd rather just stay here with you. :'''Mrs. Stone''': I know. Come here. ''[she and Lily hug]'' :'''Lily''': I'm gonna go up this way. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Okay. Be careful. :'''Lily''': You always say that. :'''Mrs. Stone''': See you in a minute. :'''Lily''': You're coming with me to Grandpa's, Bluebird. I know how much you like to travel. <hr width=60%> :'''Toby''': What's important is to stand up on our own wheels to Diesel. :'''Henry''': Toby's right. Diesel knows that the lost engine in the legend ''really'' exists. :'''James''': What engine? :'''Percy''': What legend? :'''Henry''': Of an engine who's magic makes her more powerful than Diesel will ever be. That's why he wants to find her. :'''Percy''': Then we'd better find her, first. :'''James''': ''[puffs out of the shed]'' Leave it to the big engines, Percy. :'''Thomas''': Little engines ''can'' do big things, especially when they have nice blue paint like me. <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[picks up a phone after falling to the floor]'' Oh, good afternoon; sir! ''[stands up]'' A real honor, sir. Like my family before me. And how is Lady Hatt? Yes. Watch out for Diesel, definitely. Keep an eye on Henry's health; sir. Yes, sir. The 3 Rs. Reading, writing and arithmetic. I mean…I will be responsible… reliable… and really useful. Yes, sir, we will all get a good night's sleep. Looking forward to a hard day tomorrow. Goodbye, sir. <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[picks up a baseball bat; chuckles]'' So, who dropped the ball then? ''[catches a beach ball]'' Oh, there you are. I'd like a nice cup of hot cocoa. Would you fellas care to join me? No? What would you rather do instead? ''[to the beach ball]'' Go outside and play? Well, I can understand that. ''[to the bat]'' What do you think? ''[makes the bat hit the ball; mock disappointment]'' Why do you keep hitting him like that? You're gonna have to have a time out. ''[throws bat on his bed and makes his hot cocoa]'' ''[Diesel 10 appears and laughs evilly and Mr. Conductor sips cocoa]'' Just a little sweeter, I think. ''[adds sugar to cocoa]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Alright, Pinchy, my little bucket of badness, time to feast yourself. :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[sips cocoa again, and is satisfied]'' Ahh. Now that's better. ''[Diesel 10 tears off part of the sheds]'' Whoa! ''[removes his night cap and puts on his conductor's hat, as the steam engines wake up in alarm, and Diesel 10 tears off more of the sheds and laughs evilly]'' Ahh! Whoa! :'''Thomas''': ''[alarmed]'' Cinders and ashes! It's Diesel! :'''Gordon''': Diesel?! Oh, no! :'''Diesel 10''': Hello, Twinkle Toes! I got a plan and you're not in it! :'''Mr. Conductor''': You can't catch me, Diesel! ''[blows on his whistle twice, but only a little gold comes out of it]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[laughs evilly]'' Losing your sparkle, huh? What perfect timing. Now where is that lost engine? :'''Mr. Conductor''': You won't find her here. :'''Diesel 10''': You're not clever enough to stop me. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh, yes I am! :'''Diesel 10''': No, you're not! Ah- ''[sees Mr. Conductor hold up a bag of sugar]'' What–?! Is that…?! :'''Mr. Conductor''': That's right, it's sugar, Diesel! And if I throw this in your tank, it'll seize you up for good! :'''Diesel 10''': ''[grunts and chuffs away]'' Make the most of tonight, Twinkle Toes, because you won't like tomorrow! Neither will that… that line of tin kettles! ''[to his claw]'' Oh, shut up, Pinchy! :'''Thomas''': ''[after the diesel leaves]'' Mr. Conductor, but what happened to your sparkle? :'''Mr. Conductor''': I don't know Thomas, I'll just have to sleep on that. :'''Thomas:''' ''[confused]'' On your sparkle? :'''Mr. Conductor''': No, Thomas. On the problem of what happened to it. :'''Percy:''' Oh but Mr. Conductor, without your sparkle or the Lost Engine, you can't travel here to help us anymore. :'''Mr. Conductor''': I'll solve the problem, You just go to sleep now. :'''Percy''': Easy for you to say. <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[shocked, finding out Shining Time is in deep trouble]'' What's going wrong with our railroad and why? My universe is in danger! I've got to find more gold dust! <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[voice only, as Lily finds the right train at the station along with Mutt who joins in]'' Mutt was feeling pleased to himself. He had put Lily on the wrong train, but he knew he had done so for the right reasons. :''[the train chuffs slowly as song plays]'' :'''Female Singer''': ♪ ''I know how the moon must feel'' ♪ :♪ ''Looking down from the heavens smiling at the silly things'' ♪ :♪ ''We put ourselves through'' ♪ ''[cues Lily with the passengers]'' :♪ ''Missing magic each day and not seeing the wonder'' ♪ :♪ ''That's how the moon must feel'' ♪ :''[cues the number 4 train on a field with some grain]'' :♪ ''I know how the moon must feel'' ♪ :♪ ''When he makes someone happy'' ♪ :♪ ''That's the feeling I will feel when you smile at me'' ♪ :♪ ''I'll be floating on air'' ♪ :♪ ''I'll be beaming with wonder'' ♪ :♪ ''That's how the moon must feel'' ♪ <hr width=60%> :'''Bertie''': Smile, you steamers. It's a sunny day. Vroom-vroom! :'''James''': It's not sunny, 'cause Mr. C's not at the windmill, I looked! :'''Thomas''': I think his sparkle's all gone. :'''Henry''': ''[stuffy]'' My smoke box doesn't feel sunny. It feels stuffed up. :'''Gordon''': Nasty fumes from dingy Diesel. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Henry''': And Diesel is after the lost engine. :'''Toby''': And if he finds her, I fear that will destroy us all. :'''Gordon''': What, even an engine as big as me?! :'''Toby''': Yes, Gordon, even you. :'''Thomas''': Ahh-choo! :'''James''': Say it, don't spray it, Thomas! :'''Thomas''': I've still got sneezing powder up my funnel. Now I'm going to look for Mr. Conductor! :'''Toby''': Let us get back to work. That's the way he would want. :'''Bertie''': How about a race, Thomas? ''[vrooms]'' :'''Thomas''': Sorry, Bertie. I can't today. I need to be a really useful engine and solve some mysteries too, instead! :'''Bertie''': I guess that means I win! Perhaps another day. <hr width=60%> :''[Junior's shell phone rings]'' :'''Junior''': ''[wakes up]'' That's my shell phone. ''[pulls off his headphones, and answers his shell phone]'' Hello? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior? Junior, is that you?! :'''Junior''': Oh, hi, Cous! Uh, are you in a tunnel? This isn't a very good line. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, where are you?! :'''Junior''': Um, I'm in paradise. I just got in Cloud 9 and here I am. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, listen to me. You've got to come to the Island of Sodor RIGHT NOW! :'''Junior''': Now? But I'm waiting on a perfect wave! :'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh, no. You're not, you're coming here! ''[Junior sighs in annoyance]'' You have to help me find the source of all our family's gold dust. :'''Junior''': What is the source? :'''Mr. Conductor''': That's the trouble, Junior. I haven't a clue! :'''Junior''': And I've used up most of my gold dust, too. :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[shocked]'' What?! ''[Junior sighs]'' Then go to Shining Time Station first. And in my signal-house in the box under the staircase, you'll find my emergency whistle with the last of my supply. Please take care of this, Junior, and… ''[quietly]'' Don't talk to anyone about the buffers. :'''Junior''': ''What buffers?'' This is a really bad line! Hello! My shell phone's not working properly! :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, you got to come here right away! I'm counting on you! :'''Junior''': Hello?! ''[throws out his phone]'' I want my money back. <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[sleeping on the grass in front of some bushes. Images show Shining Time Station with bad weather; voice only, echoing]'' The magic is gone! ''[the ice cream cone on the sign tilts and image shows a road with the word "Stop" on it, a yellow balloon floats past it]'' Why did I take my gold dust for granted? ''[the phone booth the juggler was in is empty, balls were scattered all over the place]'' I can't help without my gold dust. ''[the bouquet is tilting, the bridge begins to crumble]'' What is the source of my gold dust? ''[last shot shows Lady's wheels and coupling rods]'' Is someone there? Thomas, is that you? :'''Thomas''': Mr. Conductor! Mr. Conductor! :'''Mr. Conductor''': Thomas? :'''Thomas''': Oh, Mr. Conductor; where are you? :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[downbeat]'' Thomas? ''[no response]'' How can I possibly say that I'm really useful now? <hr width=60%> :'''Thomas''': ''[thought of what Mr. Conductor said]'' The journey gets bumpier and bumpier. That's what Mr. Conductor told me. <hr width=60%> :'''Diesel 10:''' It's time to finally put Twinkle Toes' lights out. This is a job '''FOR THE BOSS'''! ''[Pinchy chomps]'' :'''Toby:''' I've got to delay him, I'm going to distract him. Hmm…hmm… ''[rings his bell]'' :'''Diesel 10:''' It's the old teapot! Smash him! [''Pinchy raises up high''] :'''Splatter:''' Smash him? Hold on boss! :'''Dodge:''' You shouldn't push that! ''[Pinchy pushed the shed, the roof traps them underneath]'' :''[Pinchy chomps the roof]'' :'''Diesel 10:''' Pinchy, get back here! Don't make me come up here! I hate it when you do that! :'''Toby:''' ''[chuffs backward]'' Good show! :'''Splatter:''' Uh, boss? :'''Dodge:''' Did you mean to let the roof fall in? :'''Splatter:''' All the way in? :'''Diesel 10:''' I always mean what I do, you rattletraps! ''[groans]'' :''[song plays as Percy pulls the cattle cars in front of the windmill and Toby pulls Henrietta at dawn]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': [''voice only]'' Diesel was in a dump, but the steam engines were still right on track. :''[Thomas bumps freight cars as Percy pulls them]'' :'''Singers''': ♪ ''He's a really useful engine, you know'' ♪ :♪ ''All the other engines, they'll tell you so'' ♪ ''[Thomas pulls Annie and Clarabel past a Sir Topham Hatt sign]'' :♪ ''He huffs and puffs and whistles, rushing to and fro'' ♪ ''[Henry pulls the coaches at Killaban Station]'' :♪ ''He's a really useful engine, we adore'' ♪ ''[Henry chuffs slowly in a siding behind Butch]'' :♪ ''He's a really useful engine, you know'' ♪ ''[James pulls out of the Smelter's Yard with a load of pipes who chuffs into the smelter's yard with empty cars while Toby chuffs through the countryside with Henrietta]'' :♪ '''Cause the Fat Controller, he told him so'' ♪ ''[Thomas pulls Annie and Clarabel past a station]'' :♪ ''Now he's got a branch line to call his very own'' ♪ ''[James pulls express underneath the water tower and Gordon chuffs out of the tunnel with the express]'' :♪ ''He's a really useful engine, we adore'' ♪ ''[Thomas pulls Annie and Clarabel passing other trains at Knapford Station]'' :♪ ''He's the one'' ♪ ''[Thomas pulls Annie and Clarabel behind the windmill]'' :♪ ''He's the number one, Thomas the Tank Engine'' ♪ ''[Thomas pulls Annie and Clarabel over a bridge]'' :♪ ''He's a really useful engine'' ♪ ''[Thomas pulls Annie and Clarabel passing Toby and Henrietta]'' :♪ ''We adore'' ♪ :'''Thomas''': ''[chuffs backwards past a Sir Topham Hatt sign and passes a sick Henry]'' Morning, Henry. What's the matter? :'''Henry''': I've got… ''[sniffs]'' boiler ache. :'''Thomas''': And I'm collecting one, two, three, four, five, six trucks of special Island of Sodor coal for you. :'''Henry''': Oh, thank you, Thomas. Special coal will make me feel ''[sneezes]'' much better! :'''Thomas''': ''[backs into the trucks]'' I wish I could make Mr. Conductor feel better too by finding him. :''[the sixth truck goes zooming into a pair of buffers with a nearby tumbleweed and disappears into them; Thomas pulls the remaining trucks as Bertie passes by]'' :'''Bertie''': Hello, Thomas and your five coal trucks! Vroom-vroom! :'''Thomas''': Five? But I'm supposed to have six. <hr width=60%> :'''Diesel 10''': ''[to Mr. Conductor]'' Okay, Twinkle Toes. I know about the buffers. :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[notices the bridge crumbling]'' That's what I saw in my dream! It's coming true! My universe is starting to crumble! :'''Diesel 10''': And I know about the magic railway. And when I find that engine, you and all those puffballs will be history. Now tell me where the buffers are now! ''[Mr. Conductor grabs a blue pair of scissors]'' You got 10 seconds! <hr width=60%> :'''Splatter:''' Uh, so Boss? :'''Dodge:''' How come you let Twinkle Toes escape? :'''Diesel 10:''' Oh, that. Uh…why, I did that on purpose; you know. I was testing him to see if he could escape. :'''Splatter:''' Liar, liar. :'''Dodge:''' Pants on fire. :'''Splatter:''' Does he wear pants? :'''Dodge:''' Well, training pants. :'''Diesel 10:''' All right! Playtime's over Splodge! :'''Splatter/Dodge:''' Uh-oh! :'''Diesel 10:''' Now it's time for the next lesson. I call it "How to stop being stupid". ''[Pinchy raises the high level on the coal tower, causing it to spill coal all over him as the other engines laugh at him]'' Oh, well that's gonna ruin my facial! <hr width=60%> :'''Patch:''' ''[finds Lily sitting on the bank of a stream throwing grass at the water]'' Bet you can't climb that tree! :''[Lily gets up and walks over to the tree. Grabbing hold of the tire swing, Lily climbs up onto the tire and onto its rope. Patch watches her as she shimmies up the rope, and sits on the branch and looks down smiling at him. Patch looks at Lily and shakes his head in amusement and races over to the tree as Lily climbs down the tree]'' :'''Lily''': ''[climbs off the tire swing]'' See? :'''Patch''': Where'd you learn to do that? :'''Lily''': From my fire escape. <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': We're traveling miles and miles to the Island. But I don't know if this railroad's gonna last much longer. It'll vanish like the engine! :'''Lily''': What engine? :'''Junior''': The engine that used to travel on this railroad. Cous and I never saw it. I don't know what happened to it. ''[sees the coal truck Thomas bumped earlier]'' Hey, what's that doing here? <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': Hey, Cous! What's up, enjoying the sun? :'''Mr. Conductor''': No, Junior. I'm not. As a matter of fact, I just escaped here after a heavy metal monster! Junior, where have you been? <hr width=60%> :'''Diesel 10:''' ''[sees Junior who landed on the roof after riding the Sodor Grain Windmill]'' Aha! Twinkle Toes Junior! :'''Junior:''' ''[as the beach bag falls off his shoulder]'' Oh, no! My beach bag! :'''Diesel 10:''' You won't be doing any surfing up here, Mr. Kahuna! :'''Junior:''' Really? Watch me. :'''Diesel 10:''' Hang on tight, Moon Doggy! <hr width=60%> :'''Percy:''' ''[puffs into the night by Diesel 10's Mountain]'' I am brave. I am brave. Thomas says I'm brave, so I'm brave. Oh, it's not easy being brave. ''[sees Splatter and Dodge at the buffers]'' Shiver my pistons. There's Splatter and Dodge. Oh, they found the buffers! Oh, now what's going to happen? ''[a flock of birds fly by a tree]'' Ohh! :'''Tumbleweed:''' ''[rolls along]'' Hey, partner. Excuse me, coming through, pardon me. :'''Percy:''' Oh, that's just nothing. ''[a shed door opens slowly, then closes quickly]'' That nothing was something! :'''Splatter:''' These must be the buffers Diesel's looking for. :'''Dodge:''' Are we supposed to go through them? :'''Splatter:''' Not we, you. :'''Dodge:''' Not me, you. :'''Splatter:''' This is a job for the boss. ''[an owl hoots, scaring them]'' We'll tell him tomorrow. :'''Dodge:''' Yeah, tomorrow's good. :'''Percy:''' ''[backs away]'' Oh, I'd better hurry back and warn Thomas. <hr width=60%> :''[while approaching the old magic buffers]'' :'''Thomas''': I promise I'll get you home to your grandpa, Lily. :'''Tumbleweed''': ''[starts leading Thomas to the buffers]'' Follow me, partner! :'''Thomas''': Whoa! :'''Tumbleweed''': Right this way to Bufferville, just a walk in the park! :'''Thomas''': We're going though, Lily. :'''Tumbleweed''': You're on your own from here on in, little blue buckaroo! Yee-hoo! ''[bounces off the track]'' :'''Thomas''': Little engines ''can'' do big things! ''[passes through the magic buffers]'' <hr width=60%> :''[Thomas and Lily arrive on a cliff on Muffle Mountain]'' :'''Thomas''': Lily, where are we? :'''Lily''': Muffle Mountain, Thomas. :'''Thomas''': I think I feel a... a little dizzy. ''[Lily jumps out of Thomas' cab]'' I can't go any further! My wheels won't let me! :'''Lily''': Then I'll be back, Thomas. I promise, but I must find Grandpa! ''[Lily runs off]'' :'''Thomas''': It's getting windy up here! <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': I'm sorry, Lily. I'm sorry, Cous. I haven't been whatever it is - responsible, reliable and really useful, but I will be! ''[smoke hisses from inside the Ironworks]'' I will be! ''[James screams, Diesel 10 skids to a halt and catapults on him]'' James! ''[grabs out his whistle trying to escape, but his magic fails]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Ah! So you lost your sparkle too, huh? Bye bye, Twinkle Toes! :'''Junior''': ''[realizes his whistle lost all his gold dust]'' Oh, it's empty. :'''Diesel 10''': Here we go! :'''James''': Junior, what are we gonna do? :'''Junior''': We'll think of something! :'''Diesel 10''': ''[as James chuffs back away from him along with Junior]'' That's it. :'''Junior''': I found you some more, Lily. I promise. If I'm gonna be any help at all, it's now or never. I've got to use up the rest of this stuff. :'''Diesel 10''': Are you ready? :'''James''': No, we're not! :'''Junior''': James, the brains. Get us out of here! ''[blows his whistle]'' :'''James''': Now we are! :'''Diesel 10''': ''[seeing that Junior and James vanished]'' What the…? <hr width=60%> :'''Lady''': ''[gets her face in the Magic Railroad]'' So, Burnett, you ''didn't'' forget about magic. It's safe inside you. ''[later; Thomas toots]'' :'''Lily''': Thomas! :'''Thomas:''' You found her, and she's beautiful! :'''Mr. Conductor:''' Junior, We Won't Make It Back To Shining Time Without The Gold Dust. :''[Junior Kneels Down And Looks At His Cousin, Realizing That He Was Wrong].'' :'''Mr. Conductor:''' Without It, The Magic Can't Exist. <hr width=60%> :''[after Thomas comes out of the Magic Buffers, Diesel 10, Splatter, and Dodge can see him with Lady]'' :'''Diesel 10:''' Aha! There's the blue puffball, and look who he's with! Splodge, come and destroy! :'''Splatter:''' ''[fed up with his boss's belligerent arrogance his lack of respect appreciation for them]'' No, you do it yourself. :'''Dodge:''' ''[Equally disgusted with his boss's attitude behavior]'' We don't like you. :'''Splatter:''' Yeah, we mean that. :'''Dodge:''' Emphatically. :'''Splatter:''' Yeah, What does that mean? :'''Dodge:''' I have no idea. :'''Splatter:''' It's a good word. :'''Thomas:''' Run Lady! Quickly, and I'm going to help you! :'''Burnett Stone:''' ''[walking on board Lady's cab]'' So am I, my Lady. I'll not let you down again. :'''Diesel 10:''' Ahh, who needs you, Splodge? :'''Mr. Conductor:''' Watch Out For The Viaduct, It's Dangerous! <hr width=60%> :'''Burnett Stone''': Well done, Thomas! Well done! :''[Thomas whistles after escaping from the damaged Big Dipper]'' :'''Diesel 10:''' ''[seeing the broken Big Dipper]'' Huh? What's going on? Hold it! No! Hold it! ''[falls off and Pinchy grabs the sleeper]'' Puffball! Teapot! ''[the sleeper breaks]'' '''TIN KETTLE!''' ''[lands into a barge filled with sludge]'' Oh, well. Nice time of a year for a cruise! ''[chuckles nervously]'' :''[back at the Sodor Wishing Well]'' :'''Thomas:''' But Mr. Conductor, you still don't have your gold dust. :'''Lady:''' I think he will soon. <hr width=60%> :''[the conductors finally get their supply of magic gold dust]'' :'''Thomas''': Lady, you're a helpful engine. :'''Lady''': And helping each other brings to life the magic in all of us. <hr width=60%> :''[last lines]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[narrating]'' And so we've come to the happy end of our story, and it's time for all of us to go home, just like Thomas. ==Taglines== * Pulling into theaters everywhere July 2000. * Take the magic journey. * Little Engines Can Do Big Things… ==Cast== ===Live-action=== * [[Alec Baldwin]] - Mr. Conductor * {{w|Mara Wilson}} - Lily Stone * {{w|Peter Fonda}} - Burnett Stone ** Jared Wall (young) (uncredited) * {{w|Michael Rodgers}} - C. Junior * {{w|Cody McMains}} - Patch ** {{w|Robert Tinkler}} (adult; uncredited) * {{w|Di.Di Conn}} - Stacy Jones * {{w|Russell Means}} - Billy Twofeathers * {{w|Lori Hallier}} - Mrs. Stone * Laurie Bower - Tasha Stone (uncredited) * {{w|Dougie Lennox}} - P. T. Boomer (uncredited, some deleted scenes) ===Voices=== * [[w:Edward Glen|Eddie Glen]] - Thomas the Tank Engine * [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Diesel 10, Splatter, and Gordon the Big Express Engine. (uncredited for the tumbleweed) * [[w:Kevin Frank|Kevin Frank]] - Dodge, Henry the Green Engine, Bertie the Bus and Harold the Helicopter (uncredited for Sir Topham Hatt.) * [[w:Britt Allcroft|Britt Allcroft]] - Lady the Magical Engine * [[w:Linda Ballantyne|Linda Ballantyne]] - Percy the Small Engine * [[w:Susan Roman|Susan Roman]] - James the Red Engine * [[w:Colm Feore|Colm Feore]] - Toby the Tram Engine * Shelley-Elizabeth Skinner — Annie and Clarabel ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0205461}} {{Thomas & Friends}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends films‎]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] [[Category:Films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Films about friendship]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] 3l33ttdtxtqyhxbmqgw9rotvlowizpx 0 141819 3955262 3543018 2026-06-22T07:38:03Z Ficaia 3085955 3955262 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sergei Eisenstein 03.jpg|thumb|Sergei Eisenstein, St. Petersburg, 1910s]] '''[[:w:Sergei Eisenstein|Sergei Mikhailovich Eisenstein]]''' (Russian: ''Сергей Михайлович Эйзенштейн'') ([[23 January]] [[1898]] – [[11 February]] [[1948]]) was a Soviet film director and film theorist, often considered to be the "Father of Montage". He was one of artists associated with [[Constructivism (art)|constructivism]]. {{director-stub}} == Quotes == * American [[capitalism]] finds its sharpest and most expressive reflection in the American [[cinema]]. ** ''Film Form'', edited and translated by Jay Leda (New York: Harcourt, Brace and Co., 1949), "Dickens, Griffith, and the Film Today", p. 196 == Quotes about Sergei Eisenstein == * "This is [[Paul Robeson]], the greatest American singer!" declared the famous film director, Eisenstein, introducing Robeson to a reception in his honor, attended by nearly all the celebrities in Moscow’s theatre and art world. ** [https://www.marxists.org/archive/robeson/1935/01/15.htm "I Am at Home"] in ''Daily Worker'' (January 15, 1935) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} * [http://www.nytimes.com/learning/general/onthisday/bday/0123.html "Sergei Eisenstein is Dead in Moscow"], Obituary, ''The New York Times'' (February 12, 1948) {{DEFAULTSORT:Eisenstein, Sergei}} [[Category:1898 births]] [[Category:1948 deaths]] [[Category:Film directors from Russia]] [[Category:Inventors]] [[Category:Atheists from Russia]] [[Category:Russian communists]] [[Category:Marxists]] [[Category:People from Riga]] kxqr2wjkz5x3ujt4yjr2y119f8e7ch7 0 145139 3955239 3955023 2026-06-22T06:49:51Z GrimRob 1187925 Typo 3955239 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup}} [[File:Elon Musk in Mission Control at SpaceX.jpg|thumb|Everything works in PowerPoint; but if you have the physical item or some demonstration software, that's much more convincing to people than a PowerPoint presentation or a business plan.]] '''[[w:Elon Musk|Elon Reeve Musk]]''' (born 28 June 1971) is an American (South African-born) entrepreneur and [[w:business magnate|business magnate]]. He is the founder, [[Chief executive officer|CEO]], and Chief Engineer at [[w:SpaceX|SpaceX]]; early-stage investor, CEO, and Product Architect of [[w:Tesla, Inc.|Tesla, Inc.]]; founder of [[w:The Boring Company|The Boring Company]]; co-founder of [[w:Neuralink|Neuralink]] and [[w:OpenAI|OpenAI]]; president of the [[w:Elon Musk#Musk Foundation|Musk Foundation]]; and owner of [[w:X Corp.|X Corp.]], formerly known as [[w:Twitter, Inc.|Twitter, Inc]]. With an [https://www.networthmama.com/category/business/executives/elon-musk-net-worth estimated net worth] of about US$487.3 billion as of October 2025, Musk is the wealthiest person in the world according to the [[w:Bloomberg Billionaires Index|Bloomberg billionaires index]] and the ''[[w:Forbes|Forbes]]'' real-time billionaires list. [[File:SpaceX Demonstration Mission 2 Launch (49963556878).jpg|thumb|I have never been materially active in politics before, but this time I think civilization as we know it is on the line. If we want to preserve freedom and a meritocracy in America, then Trump must win.[https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/1831486742052159886#m]]] [[File:SpaceX Crew-2 Crew Suit Up (KSC-20210423-PH-KLS01 0107).jpg|thumb|Trump supports a government efficiency commission to allow great things to be done, Kamala does not,We will never reach Mars if Kamala wins![https://www.politico.eu/article/elon-musk-spacex-republican-debate-us-president-kamala-harris-will-never-reach-mars-donald-trump/]]] ==Quotes== ===1998=== * I think the [[Internet]] is the super-set of all media. It is the be-all and the end-all of all media. One will see print, broadcast, arguably, radio, essentially all media folding into the Internet. ** Quoted in [https://www.news18.com/buzz/elon-musk-explains-internet-in-1998-old-interview-goes-viral-7104589.html "Elon Musk Explains Internet in 1998, Old Interview Goes Viral"], ''News 18'' (February 17, 2023) ===2005=== * If things aren't not failing you are not innovating enough. ** [https://www.fastcompany.com/52065/hondas-space Fast Company, article "Hondas in Space"] (1 February 2005) ===2007=== ====''Unsourced''==== * Life is too short for long-term grudges. ====''From articles on Evan Carmichael's website''==== <small>'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20071214142021/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/The-Wired-Entrepreneur-The-Early-Years-of-Elon-Musk.html The Wired Entrepreneur: The Early Years of Elon Musk]', 2007.</small> * I didn’t really expect to make any money. If I could make enough to cover the rent and buy some food that would be fine. As it turns out, it turned out to be quite valuable in the end. * I don’t have an issue with serving in the military per se, but serving in the South African army suppressing black people just didn’t seem like a really good way to spend time. * I think South Africa is a great country. * If you wanted to be close to the cutting edge, particularly in technology, you came to North America. * Tuition costs are outrageous. Fortunately, they gave me a scholarship…so I only had to cover living expenses, books, etc., by working. * One was the Internet, one was clean energy and one was space. <small>'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20071214142025/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Zipping-Forward-Musk-Starts-His-First-Company.html Zipping Forward: Musk Starts His First Company]', 2007.</small> * I could either watch it happen, or be part of it. <small>'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20071221055051/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Lesson-1-Keep-Your-Operations-Lean-And-Clean.html Lesson #1: Keep Your Operations Lean And Clean]', 2007.</small> * We could figure out ways with small aerospace companies to do a low-cost spacecraft and lander. But we could not find a way to do a low-cost launcher, unless we went to the Russians. * The answer was we thought it could be done. * There is nothing inherently expensive about rockets. It's just that those who have built and operated them in the past have done so with horrendously poor efficiency. * Falcon One is going to be the lowest cost per flight to orbit of any production rocket. * Which means we’re cheaper than the Chinese, cheaper than [the] Russians or anywhere else – and we’re doing it in the United States with American [[labour costs]]. * I think the reason it’s cheaper is, first of all, we are a private entity and we have a very lean system in here. What we have been able to do here at SpaceX is to cherry-pick, you know, the top one or two percent and give them, you know, capital to execute well and a clear mission, which is low cost, reliable access to space, and no other constraints. <small>'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20080117152716/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Lesson-2-Commit-To-Failing-In-A-New-Way.html Lesson #2: Commit To Failing In A New Way]', 2007.</small> * Well, I have tried to learn as much as possible from prior attempts. * If nothing else, we are committed to failing in a new way. * There’s a graveyard of prior attempts, a big graveyard. There’s probably some freshly dug graves just waiting to be filled. Our aspiration is to avoid that destination. * I think we’ve got the risks pretty well characterized. I think we are at least avoiding the mistakes that have been made in the past. * I think the rocket business is quite cyclic. There are a great many peaks and troughs. * Imagine creating a huge software program that can only be tested in little pieces on a computer that is slightly different from what it is supposed to run on. However, when you do run it as a whole on the actual computer for the first time, it must run almost flawlessly without a single significant bug. When is the last time you saw a software program do that? * When thinking about starting a business, I think it’s actually better to start in a trough and come to market in a peak, than the other way around. Frankly, if anything does, and it’s almost cliché, space has a long-term future. * I want to be able to make sure that we have enough capital to survive at least three consecutive failures. If you want to make a small fortune in the launch vehicle business, start with a large one. <small>'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20080116043429/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Lesson-3-Make-Your-Mission-Your-Holy-Grail.html Lesson #3: Make Your Mission Your Holy Grail]', 2007.</small> * The long term ultimate objective – the holy grail – is we would like to help make life multi-planetary. * We got to the moon, but have never done anything better since. I'm disappointed that we have not made more progress since Apollo. I don't even see a plan that says we're going to do better than Apollo to exceed that goal. * I like to be involved in things that change the world. The Internet did, and space will probably be more responsible for changing the world than anything else. If humanity can expand beyond the Earth, obviously that's where the future is. * If we can be one of the companies that makes it possible for humans to become a multi-planetary species, that would be the Holy Grail. It sounds a bit crazy but it's going to happen, and only if people build the means to do so. We're making progress toward a greater philosophical goal while building a sound business. * When [[Henry Ford]] made cheap, reliable cars people said, "Nah, what's wrong with a horse?" That was a huge bet he made, and it worked. * It doesn’t do a great deal to advance the goal of humanity. I would pay $20 million not to spend six months in Russia. And besides this, my interest is how do we enable many other people to go to space, not necessarily me, personally. * If we can build something that is capable of taking people and equipment to Mars, such that it can service a transportation infrastructure for humanity becoming a multi- planet species - which I think is a very, very important objective - then I would consider the mission of SpaceX successful, at that point. <small>'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20080116110246/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Lesson-4-Use-Innovation-To-Break-Through-Your-Limitations.html Lesson #4: Use Innovation To Break Through Your Limitations]', 2007.</small> * We are used to things improving every year; we are used to having a better cell phone next year than this year; a better lap top. We are even used to some basic things, like we expect more from your car in next year’s model than last year’s model. But this is not the case in space; reliability and cost - those are the fundamental parameters of transportation - have not improved. * Starting and growing a business is as much about the innovation, drive and determination of the people who do it as it is about the product they sell. * So even if a fire develops, it can't really attack the particularly vulnerable locations like the pneumatic system or the avionics or the engine bay. We want to be in the situation that even if a fire develops, the rocket just keeps going. * A great deal of bargaining power with suppliers. We are never locked in to anyone. <small>'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20080115030617/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/Lesson-5-Tap-Into-Todays-Top-Talent.html Lesson #5: Tap Into Today’s Top Talent]', 2007.</small> * I think it is a mistake to hire huge numbers of people to get a complicated job done. Numbers will never compensate for talent in getting the right answer (two people who don't know something are no better than one), will tend to slow down progress, and will make the task incredibly expensive. * My approach is simply to seek out very talented people, ensure that the environment at SpaceX is as motivating & enjoyable as possible and establish clear & measurable objectives. * [[Systems engineering|Rocket engineering]] is not like ditch digging. With ditch digging you can get 100 people and dig a ditch, and you will dig it a hundred times as faster if you get 100 people versus one. With rockets, you have to solve the problem of a particular level of difficulty; one person who can solve the problem is worth an infinite number of people who can’t. * I think that is a mistake and results in cloudy judgment on important technical issues. They can't tell if something is really good or not, so they just do what everyone else does, assuming it to be the safe bet. * We're adding a triple sign-off for all work done on the launch pad, on flight components, and flight critical GSE. You have a technician, a responsible engineer, and then quality assurance will sign the final, record all information, and take photographs of all the work that was done, and then make sure that all information is put into our quality assurance database, which is reviewed prior to launch. * Although I am new in the business, my team is not. I would say that, person for person, there has never been a better rocket company in existence, in history. I don’t think there has ever been a group this talented in one place, in one company, developing a rocket – ever. <small>'''From: [https://web.archive.org/web/20080117152711/http://www.evancarmichael.com/Famous-Entrepreneurs/1610/From-PayPal-To-Planetary-Success-How-Musk-Is-Changing-The-World-One-Company-At-A-Time.html From PayPal To Planetary Success: How Musk Is Changing The World One Company At A Time]', 2007.</small> * If you have millions of dollars it changes your lifestyle, and anyone who says differently is talking bullshit. I don’t need to work, from a standard of living point of view, but I do, you know. I work every day and on weekends and I haven’t taken a vacation for years. * This is the chance to fulfill a dream. * I’m nauseatingly pro-American. It is where great things are possible. * As life’s agents, it’s on our shoulders. ===2008=== * It was obviously a big disappointment not to reach orbit on this flight ... The most important message I’d like to send right now is that SpaceX will not skip a beat in execution going forward. We have flight four of Falcon 1 almost ready for flight and flight five right behind that. ... There should be absolutely zero question that SpaceX will prevail in reaching orbit and demonstrating reliable space transport. '''For my part, I will never give up and I mean never.''' ** 2 August 2008 [https://web.archive.org/web/20080915101342/http://spacex.com/updates.php#Update080208 in a message to SpaceX employees] after the failed third launch of the [[w:Falcon 1|Falcon 1]]. * Sooner or later, we must expand life beyond our little blue mud ball--or go extinct. ** 1 October 2008 [http://www.esquire.com/features/75-most-influential/elon-musk-1008 via Esquire] ===2009=== * The heroes of the books I read, ''The Lord of the Rings'' and the ''Foundation'' series, always felt a duty to save the world. ** 24 August 2009 {{cite web|url = http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2009/08/24/plugged-in|title = Plugged In: Can Elon Musk lead the way to an electric-car future? | publisher = New Yorker}} ===2012=== * When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favor. ** 18 March 2012 ''60 Minutes'', season 44, episode 26 * We need to figure out how to have the things we love, and not destroy the world. ** 26 March 2012 {{cite web|title=Driving With Elon Musk|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSNXhHTLLIk}} * In terms of the Internet, it's like humanity acquiring a collective nervous system. Whereas previously we were more like a... collection of cells that communicated by diffusion. With the advent of the Internet, it was suddenly like we got a nervous system. It's a hugely impactful thing. ** 26 April 2012 {{cite news|last=Mann|first=Adam|title=Video: Wired’s Interview with SpaceX’s Elon Musk|url=http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2012/04/elon-musk-hangout/|accessdate=18 August|newspaper=Wired}} * So, I think the best analogy for rocket engineers, if you want to create complicated software, you can't run as an integrated whole, or run on the computer it's intended to run on, but, first time you run it, it has to run with no bugs. That's the essence of it. So ... we missed the mark there. ** 15 June 2012 [https://web.archive.org/web/20140622185729/https://commencement.caltech.edu/archive/speakers/2012_address 15 June 2012 Caltech Commencement Address] * I'd rather be optimistic and wrong; than pessimistic and right.<br>..<br>We have planes, trains, automobiles and boats, ... What if there was a fifth mode? ** 13 July 2012 {{cite news|last=Garber|first=Megan|title=The Real iPod: Elon Musk's Wild Idea for a 'Jetson Tunnel' from S.F. to L.A.|url=http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2012/07/the-real-ipod-elon-musks-wild-idea-for-a-jetson-tunnel-from-sf-to-la/259825/|accessdate=21 July 2012|newspaper=The Atlantic}} regarding [[Hyperloop]] * One thing that is important is that, if you have a choice between a lower valuation with someone you really like, or higher valuation with someone you have a question mark about, take the lower valuation. ** 17 July 2012 during interview with PandoDaily - Fireside Chat With Elon Musk * I would like to die on Mars; just not on impact. ** 12 September 2012 {{cite news|last=Vance|first=Ashley|title=Elon Musk, the 21st Century Industrialist|url=http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-09-13/elon-musk-the-21st-century-industrialist#p5|accessdate=14 September 2012|newspaper=Bloomberg}} ===2013=== * Since our primary competitors [in space launch] are national governments, the enforceability of patents is questionable. ** 19 March 2013 {{cite web|title=Elon Musk: The mind behind Tesla, SpaceX, SolarCity ...|url=http://www.ted.com/talks/elon_musk_the_mind_behind_tesla_spacex_solarcity.html}} * Even if there's a zombie apocalypse, you'll still be able to travel using the Tesla Supercharging system. ** 30 May 2013 {{cite web|url = http://autos.yahoo.com/blogs/motoramic/tesla-speeds-free-nationwide-charging-network-20-minute-183456360.html|title = Tesla speeds up free nationwide charging network, 20-minute quick repower | publisher = Yahoo!}} ===2014=== ====Foreword to Marc Kaufman's ''Mars Up Close''==== :2014 source [https://books.google.com/books/about/Mars_Up_Close.html?id=o6XaCwAAQBAJ ''Mars Up Close: Inside the Curiosity Mission'']. [[w:National Geographic Society|National Geographic]]. ISBN 978-1-4262-1278-9. * I plan to travel to [[w:Mars|Mars]] and make it my home.<br>..<br>People should be traveling to Mars and doing it in our lifetime. ** p. 9 * Only by breaking through to new paradigms of space travel will more than a handful of us ever get to Mars and make it a potentially livable place...<br>Getting to Mars is too big an accomplishment for us to feel proud by just by swinging by. We are a nation of enterprise as well as exploration, and we're not about to go there without making something of it. ** p. 10 * Sending large numbers of people to explore and settle Mars in the decades ahead isn't inevitable, but it is entirely possible. The biggest challenge isn't the engineering and spacecraft, however difficult they may be. Instead, it's making sure that a sustained Mars campaign proceeds as a national priority, and that will happen only if the American people are behind it. We have the opportunity now to make this happen. We might not be so fortunate in the future. ** p. 13 ===2015=== * Everything works in PowerPoint; but if you have the physical item or some demonstration software, that's much more convincing to people than a PowerPoint presentation or a business plan. ** January 23, 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUuJKC3miLc Colonizing Mars The Future Belongs to SpaceX and Elon Musk] * First, you're going to have to live in transparent domes, but eventually, you can transform Mars into an Earth-like planet. You can warm it up. ** On ''[[w:The Late Show with Stephen Colbert|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert]]'' (September 9, 2015), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2015/09/11/us/elon-musk-mars-nuclear-bomb-colbert-feat/index.html "Elon Musk’s new idea: Nuke Mars"], ''CNN'' (September 11, 2015) ** On the show, [[w:Stephen Colbert|Stephen Colbert]] said he had been trying to decide whether Musk was a superhero or a supervillain, the exchange led him to conclude the latter. [[w:University of Colorado Boulder|University of Colorado]] atmospheric and ocean sciences professor [[w:Owen Toon|Brian Toon]] told the [https://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-elon-musk-mars-20150910-htmlstory.html ''Los Angeles Times'']: "It seems possible to make it Earthlike, but there's a lot of barriers to overcome [...] Blowing up bombs is not a good one." * [The quick way to warm the planet] '''Drop thermonuclear weapons over the poles.''' ** On ''[[w:The Late Show with Stephen Colbert|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert]]'' (September 9, 2015), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2015/09/11/us/elon-musk-mars-nuclear-bomb-colbert-feat/index.html "Elon Musk’s new idea: Nuke Mars"], ''CNN'' (September 11, 2015) ** On the show, [[w:Stephen Colbert|Stephen Colbert]] said he had been trying to decide whether Musk was a superhero or a supervillain, the exchange led him to conclude the latter. [[w:University of Colorado Boulder|University of Colorado]] atmospheric and ocean sciences professor [[w:Owen Toon|Brian Toon]] told the [https://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-elon-musk-mars-20150910-htmlstory.html ''Los Angeles Times'']: "It seems possible to make it Earthlike, but there's a lot of barriers to overcome [...] Blowing up bombs is not a good one." * I'm trying to do useful things. ** On ''[[w:The Late Show with Stephen Colbert|The Late Show with Stephen Colbert]]'' (September 9, 2015), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2015/09/11/us/elon-musk-mars-nuclear-bomb-colbert-feat/index.html "Elon Musk’s new idea: Nuke Mars"], ''CNN'' (September 11, 2015) ** On the show, [[w:Stephen Colbert|Stephen Colbert]] said he had been trying to decide whether Musk was a superhero or a supervillain, the exchange led him to conclude the latter. [[w:University of Colorado Boulder|University of Colorado]] atmospheric and ocean sciences professor [[w:Owen Toon|Brian Toon]] told the [https://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-elon-musk-mars-20150910-htmlstory.html ''Los Angeles Times'']: "It seems possible to make it Earthlike, but there's a lot of barriers to overcome [...] Blowing up bombs is not a good one." * They [Apple] have hired people we've fired. We always jokingly call Apple the "Tesla Graveyard." If you don't make it at Tesla, you go work at Apple. I'm not kidding. ... cars are very complex compared to phones or smartwatches. You can't just go to a supplier like Foxconn and say: Build me a car. But for Apple, the car is the next logical thing to finally offer a significant innovation. A new pencil or a bigger iPad alone were not relevant enough. ** September 25, 2015 [http://global.handelsblatt.com/edition/271/ressort/companies-markets/article/all-charged-up-in-berlin All Charged Up in Berlin] in ''Handelsblatt'' * AI is much more advanced than people realize. ... Humanity's position on this planet depends on its intelligence so if our intelligence is exceeded, it's unlikely that we will remain in charge of the planet. ** 25 October 2015 [http://zdnet.com/article/artificial-intelligence-should-we-be-as-terrified-as-elon-musk-and-bill-gates Artificial intelligence: Should we be as terrified as Elon Musk and Bill Gates?] in ''ZDNet'' ===2016=== * SpaceX's got 5,000 people. I get a lot of attention, but they are really doing the work. ** 8 April 2016 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nz60GcmKOvc SpaceX Dragon Headed to the ISS] at NASA Post-Launch News Conference * I think we have a duty to maintain the light of consciousness to make sure it continues into the future. ** 8 March 2016 {{cite web|title=50-innovation-quotes-from-spacex-founder-elon-musk |url=https://www.inc.com/larry-kim/50-innovation-amp;-success-quotes-from-spacex-founder-elon-musk.html}} * The probability of death is quite high on the first [human] mission [to Mars]. ** 27 September 2016 [https://www.popsci.com/elon-musks-master-plan-for-colonizing-mars-gives-us-sci-fi-future-we-crave "Elon Musk's Plan To Colonize Mars Gives Us The Sci-Fi Future We Crave: Now let's see if he can make it reality."] ''Popular Science'' magazine * It would be an incredible adventure. And life needs to be more than just solving every day problems. You need to wake up and be excited about the future ** On "eyeing" for Mars, IAC 2016 meeting, presentation on sustainable Mars colonization. * I can be on my own private island with naked super models, drinking mai tais, but I'm not. I'm in the factory working my ass off, so I don't want to hear about how hard everyone else in the factory works. ** Quoted in "Power Play: Tesla, Elon Musk, and the Bet of the Century" (2021) by Tim Higgins ===2017=== * People are mistaken when they think that technology just automatically improves. It does not automatically improve. It only improves if a lot of people work very hard to make it better, and actually it will, I think, by itself degrade, actually. You look at great civilizations like Ancient Egypt, and they were able to make the pyramids, and they forgot how to do that. And then the Romans, they built these incredible aqueducts. They forgot how to do it. ** 9 May 2017 [http://www.businessinsider.com/brilliant-career-advice-from-elon-musk-2017-5 Career advice from Elon Musk's latest TED interview, in one sentence] at 2017 TED conference * I think there is a strong humanitarian argument for making life multi-planetary in order to safeguard the existence of humanity in the event that something catastrophic were to happen. ** 3 October 2017 in DK Smithsonian, ''Journey: An Illustrated History of Travel'', ISBN 978-1-4654-6414-9 (Page 343). * Every person in your company is a vector. Your progress is determined by the sum of all vectors. ** 16 October 2017 in [https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-elon-musk-taught-me-growing-business-dharmesh-shah/ LinkedIn: What Elon Musk Taught Me About Growing A Business] * Rocket tech applied to a car opens up revolutionary possibilities. ** 19 November 2017 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/932322853009080320 tweet] * I love Twitter. How much is it? ** 22 December 2017 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/943902052542849024 tweet] & [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/943901463998169088 tweet] ===2018=== * Holy flying fuck, that thing took off! ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BL4dnvBytLA 12 February 2018] reaction to Falcon Heavy Launch * I don’t get the little ship thing. You can’t show up at Mars in something the size of a rowboat. What if there are Martians? It would be so embarrassing. ** [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/965769366422798337 19 February 2018] * Never saw this British expat guy who lives in Thailand (sus) at any point when we were in the caves. Only people in sight were the Thai navy/army guys, who were great. Thai navy seals escorted us in — total opposite of wanting us to leave. Water level was actually very low & still (not flowing) — you could literally have swum to Cave 5 with no gear, which is obv how the kids got in. If not true, then I challenge this dude to show final rescue video. You know what, don’t bother showing the video. We will make one of the mini-sub/pod going all the way to Cave 5 no problemo. Sorry pedo guy, you really did ask for it. ** 15 July 2018 referring to British diver Vern Unsworth, who participated in the [[w:Tham Luang cave rescue#Search and contact|Tham Luang cave rescue]]. As quoted in ''[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/thai-cave-rescue-elon-musk-british-diver-vern-unsworth-twitter-pedo-a8448366.html Elon Musk calls British diver who helped rescue Thai schoolboys 'pedo guy' in Twitter outburst]'' by Eleanor Busby, ''{{w|The Independent}}''. * I suggest that you call people you know in Thailand, find out what’s actually going on and stop defending child rapists, you fucking asshole.<br>He’s an old, single white guy from England who’s been traveling to or living in Thailand for 30 to 40 years, mostly Pattaya Beach, until moving to Chiang Rai for a child bride who was about 12 years old at the time.<br>As for this alleged threat of a lawsuit, which magically appeared when I raised the issue (nothing was sent or raised beforehand), I fucking hope he sues me. ** 30 August 2018 e-mail to Ryan Mac of BuzzFeed with follow-up commentary about Unsworth, per [https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/ryanmac/elon-musk-thai-cave-rescuer-accusations-buzzfeed-email 4 September 2018 article] *** [https://twitter.com/RMac18/status/1037411295224623104 this tweet] from Ryan Mac has Mac claim "I did not agree to go off the record, and he never asked." however the screenshot of the e-mail shows that Musk precedes this private e-mail to him with "Off the record" * Off the record. We haven't had a conversation at all. I sent you an off the record email, which very clearly and unambiguously said "off the record". If you want to publish off the record comments and destroy your journalistic credibility, that's up to you. As for answering more questons, I would be happy to do so, but not with someone who just told me that they will not honor accepted rules of journalism. ** 4 September 2018 [https://twitter.com/RMac18/status/1037412604724039683 retort] to [[Ryan Mac]] * People tend to think like, 'Why should electric vehicles have a subsidy,' but they're not taking into account that all fossil fuel-burning vehicles fundamentally are subsidized by the cost—the environmental cost—to Earth, but nobody's paying for it... We are going to pay for it, obviously—in the future we'll pay for it. It's just not paid for now. ** interview with [[Joe Rogan]] (September 6, 2018) * if you assume any rate of improvement at all, then games will be indistinguishable from reality<br>we could be in base reality<br>this is just about [[probability]]<br>there are many, many simulations<br>you might as well call them reality, or [[multiverse]]<br>they're running on the substrate ... that substrate is probably boring ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycPr5-27vSI discussing simulation theory on #1169] of ''[[Joe Rogan]] Experience'' (September 7, 2018) ** [https://www.space.com/41749-elon-musk-living-in-simulation-rogan-podcast.html "We're Probably Living in a Simulation, Elon Musk Says"], ''space.com'' * Guardian is the most insufferable newspaper on planet Earth. ** 7 September 2018 [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/sep/07/tesla-chief-elon-musk-smokes-marijuana-on-live-web-show e-mail to Guardian], possibly repeated later on a [[Joe Rogan]] podcast * I don't think most people, even in the aerospace industry, like, know what question to ask. Like it took us a long time to even frame the question correctly. But once we could frame the question correctly, the answer was, I wouldn't say easy, but, '''the answer flowed once the question could be framed with precision'''. Framing that question with precision was very difficult. ** 17 September 2018 regarding the BFR, during announcement of first private passenger on lunar mission * im actually cat girl here’s selfie rn ** 25 October 2018 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1055653541317042177 tweet] * [Artificial intelligence] is just digital intelligence. And as the algorithms and the hardware improve, that digital intelligence will exceed biological intelligence by a substantial margin. It's obvious. Ensuring that the advent of AI is good, or at least we try to make it good, seems like a smart move. '''We're not paying attention. We worry more about what name somebody called someone else, than whether AI will destroy humanity. That's insane. We're like children in a playground.''' ... The way in which a regulation is put in place is slow and linear. If you have a linear response to an exponential threat, it's quite likely the exponential threat will win. That, in a nutshell, is the issue.<br>..<br>Your probability of dying on Mars is much higher than earth. Really, the ad for going to Mars would be like [[Ernest Shackleton#Misattributed|Shackleton’s ad]] for going to the Antarctic: '''"It’s gonna be hard. There’s a good chance of death, going in a little can through deep space. You might land successfully. Once you land successfully, you’ll be working nonstop to build the base. So, you know, not much time for leisure. And even after doing all this, it’s a very harsh environment, so there’s a good chance you die there. We think you can come back, but we’re not sure."''' Now, does that sound like an escape hatch for rich people?<br>..<br>No one should put this many hours into work. This is not good. People should not work this hard. They should not do this. This is very painful. ...it hurts my brain and my heart. ... This is not recommended for anyone. ... I just did it because if I didn't do it, then there was a good chance Tesla would die.<br>..<br>I believe there’s some explanation for this universe, which you might call God. ** 25 November 2018 ''Axios'', season 1, episode 4 * When a species of primate, ''homo sapiens'', became much smarter than other primates, it pushed all the other ones into a very small habitat. So there are very few mountain gorillas and orangutans and chimpanzees — monkeys in general. They occupy small corners of the world - cages...zoos. Even the jungles that they're in are narrowly defined so they were sort of like big cages ... So, you know, that's one possible outcome for us. ** Quoted in [https://www.axios.com/2018/11/26/elon-musk-humans-must-merge-with-machines-1543240787 "Elon Musk: Humans must merge with machines"], ''Axios'' (Nov 26, 2018) ===2019=== * The fundamental message that consumers should be taking today is that it's financially insane to buy anything other than a Tesla. It would be like owning a horse in three years. I mean, fine if you want to own a horse. But you should go into it with that expectation. If you buy a car that does not have the hardware for full self-driving, it is like buying a horse. And the only car that has the hardware for full self-driving is a Tesla. ** 22 April 2019 during the Tesla Autonomy Investor Day, at Tesla Headquarters in Palo Alto, CA * It’s so insane the way rockets work today. It would be like if you got a plane and the way you get to your destination is you bail out with a parachute over the city in question and your plane crash lands somewhere. That’s how rockets work today—with the exception of Falcon 9. This is completely bonkers.<br>..If it were to take longer to convince NASA and the authorities that we can do it versus just doing it, then [SpaceX] might just do it [ourselves]. It may literally be easier to just land Starship on the moon than try to convince NASA that we can. ** 12 July 2019 in [https://time.com/5628572/elon-musk-moon-landing/ ''Time'' magazine article] *'''Nuke Mars!'''<br>T-shirt soon. ** 15 August 2019 tweets, as cited in [https://www.space.com/elon-musk-nuke-mars-terraforming.html "Elon Musk Floats 'Nuke Mars' Idea Again (He Has T-Shirts)"], ''Space.com'' (August 17, 2019) * Nuke Mars refers to a continuous stream of very low fallout nuclear fusion explosions above the atmosphere to create artificial suns. Much like our sun, this would not cause Mars to become radioactive.<br>Not risky imo & can be adjusted/improved real-time. Essentially need to figure out most effective way to convert mass to energy, as Mars is slightly too far from this solar system's fusion reactor (the sun). ** 20 August 2019 tweet as cited in [https://www.nbcnews.com/mach/science/nuke-mars-elon-musk-seems-serious-about-plan-terraform-red-ncna1045181 "Nuke Mars? Elon Musk seems serious about plan to terraform the red planet"], ''NBC News'' (August 22, 2019, reprinted from Space.com) * No, just like [Unsworth] didn’t clarify he wanted to sodomize me with a submarine. I didn’t think it required clarification, I think that would have been worse. If you called someone a motherf’er I don’t think you would have to clarify you don’t actually commit incest. It would sound disingenuous. ** 3 December 2019 per [https://www.cnn.com/2019/12/03/media/elon-musk-testifies/index.html CNN article] exploring lawsuit from Vernon Unsworth ===="Starship Update" talk at the SpaceX facility in Boca Chica, Texas on September 28, 2019==== * According to the geological records, earth has been around for around 4.5 billion years, although it was mostly molten magma for about half a billion years... The sun is gradually getting hotter and bigger, and over time, even in the absence of global warming — the man-made stuff — the sun will expand and it will overheat the earth. My guess is probably... there is only several hundred million years left.... '''Basically, if it took an extra 10% longer for conscious life to evolve on earth, it wouldn't evolve at all, because it would have been incinerated by the sun.''' ... '''It appears that consciousness is a very rare and precious thing, and we should take whatever steps we can to preserve the light of consciousness''', and the window has been open; only now after four and a half billion years is that window open, that's a long time to wait ... I'm pretty optimistic by nature, but there's some chance that window will not be open for long, I think we should become a multi-planet civilization while that window is open, and if we do the I think probable outcome for Earth is even better, because then you know Mars could help Earth one day. And so I think we should really do our very best to become a multi-planet species and to extend consciousness beyond Earth, and we should do it now. Thank you. ** https://youtube.com/watch?v=sOpMrVnjYeY&t=2303 * I have this mantra. It's called, '''"If a schedule is long, it's wrong. If it's tight, it's right."''' And I've just, basically just go recursive improvement on schedule, with feedback loop. "Did this make it go faster? OK. If it didn't, we're going to need to fix it." '''If the design takes a long time to build, it's the wrong design.''' This is the fundamental thing. Over and over, the tendency is to complicate things. And I have another thing which is, '''the best part is no part. The best process is no process. It weighs nothing, costs nothing, can't go wrong.''' So, as obvious as that sounds, the best part is no part. The thing I'm most impressed with, when I have the design meetings at SpaceX, is "What did you undesign?" '''Undesigning is the best thing. Just delete it. That's the best thing.''' ** During Q&A at the "Starship Update" presentation, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOpMrVnjYeY&t=4807 ===2020=== * If somebody wants to stay in their house, that’s great. They should be allowed to stay in their house, and they should not be compelled to leave. But to say that they cannot leave their house, and they will be arrested if they do, this is fascist. This is not democratic. This is not freedom. ** 30 April 2020 quote by Susan Walsh, “Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg Aren’t on the Same Page,” ''New York Times'' * This notion though, that you can just sort of send checks out to everybody and things will be fine is not true, obviously. Some have this absurd view that the economy is like some magic horn of plenty… that just makes stuff. There’s a magic horn of plenty, and the goods and services, they just come from this magic horn of plenty. And then if somebody has more stuff than somebody else, it’s because they took more from this magic horn of plenty. Now let me just break it to the fools out there: If you don’t make stuff, there’s no stuff. If you don’t make the food, if you don’t process the food, if you don’t transport the food, medical treatment, getting your teeth fixed, there’s no stuff. We’ve become detached from reality. You can’t just legislate money and solve these things. If you don’t make stuff, there is no stuff. ** 7 May 2020 on [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/joe-rogan-elon-musk-podcast-transcript-may-7-2020 podcast] with Joe Rogan * We must pass the great filter! ** 21 June 2020 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1274614961151414273 tweet] and [https://techstartups.com/2020/06/21/elon-musk-we-must-pass-the-great-filter-social-media-is-a-limbic-amplifier-which-inherently-destabilizes-civilization TechFilter] * We [the United States] will coup whoever we want! Deal with it. ** 24 July 2020 [https://web.archive.org/web/20200725105419/https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1286866843307737088 tweet (archived)] * The extreme difficulty of scaling production of new technology is not well understood. It’s 1000% to 10,000% harder than making a few prototypes. The machine that makes the machine is vastly harder than the machine itself. ** 21 September 2020 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1308284091142266881 tweet] ===2021=== * All designs are wrong, it's just a matter of how wrong. ** Said while giving tour of Starbase to [[w:Tim Dodd|Tim Dodd]] (July 30, 2021), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t705r8ICkRw *Possibly, the most common error of a smart engineer is to optimize something that should not exist. **Said while giving tour of Starbase to Tim Dodd (July 30, 2021), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t705r8ICkRw * If WFP can describe on this Twitter thread exactly how $6B will solve world hunger, I will sell Tesla stock right now and do it.<br>But it must be open source accounting, so the public sees precisely how the money is spent. ** 31 October 2021 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1454808104256737289 9:50am reply by Elon] to [https://twitter.com/DrEliDavid/status/1454475769200185349 30 October 2021 tweet] by [[Eli David]] regarding the United Nations' World Food Program, reported [https://www.rebelnews.com/elon_musk_calls_out_un_director_bluff_that_his_wealth_could_solve_world_hunger 1 November 2021 by RebelNews] *** Eli was responding to a 26 October 2021 in response article by Eoin McSweeney and Adam Pourahmadi of CNN Business. It was originally titled [https://archive.md/uOM6k "2% of Elon Musk's wealth could solve world hunger"] but the title was amended to [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/26/economy/musk-world-hunger-wfp-intl/index.html "2% of Elon Musk's wealth could help solve world hunger"] (adding "help") **** McSceeney and Pourahmadi are referencing David Beasley's interview on CNN's Connect the World with Becky Anderson * What happened here? ** October 31, 2021 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1454930023966773249 9:55pm reply] to [[David Beasley]] *** Musk included in this tweet a link to [https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/627783/Starving-children-as-young-as-NINE-forced-to-give-UN-officials-oral-sex-to-get-food/amp an 18 December 2015 article by Jonathan Bucks of Express] * Bernie is a taker, not a maker ** November 14, 2021 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1460051518124699650 tweet] about [[Bernie Sanders]] * For those wondering, I will pay over $11 billion in taxes this year. ** [https://www.forbes.com/sites/siladityaray/2021/12/20/elon-musk-claims-he-will-pay-more-than-11-billion-in-taxes-this-year/?sh=25a1d7724675 “Elon Musk Claims He Will Pay More Than $11 Billion In Taxes This Year.”] Forbes, Siladitya, (December 20, 2021) [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1472754632325795843?lang=en tweet on Dec. 19, 2021] * "I find history fascinating. There's a lot of incredible things that have been done, good and bad, that they help you understand the nature of civilization and individuals." ** [https://deepcast.fm/episode/1696/252-elon-musk-spacex-mars-tesla-autopilot-self-driving-robotics-and-ai#quotes/ "#252 - Elon Musk: SpaceX, Mars, Tesla Autopilot, Self-Driving, Robotics, and AI", on Lex Fridman Podcast, found on DeepCast] (28 December 2021) * "We need to expand the scope and scale of consciousness so that we're better able to understand the nature of the universe and understand the meaning of life." ** [https://deepcast.fm/episode/1696/252-elon-musk-spacex-mars-tesla-autopilot-self-driving-robotics-and-ai#quotes/ "#252 - Elon Musk: SpaceX, Mars, Tesla Autopilot, Self-Driving, Robotics, and AI", on Lex Fridman Podcast, found on DeepCast] (28 December 2021) ===2022=== * If you scare people enough, they will demand removal of freedom. This is the path to tyranny. ** Tweet (January. 27, 2022), as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/elon-musk-joe-biden-covid-b2002867.html "Musk calls Biden a 'damp sock puppet' and rants about Covid-19 restrictions: 'This is the path to tyranny'"] ''The Independent'' (London, January 28, 2022) ** Response to the [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|COVID-19 pandemic]]. * I don't think we should try to have people live for a really long time. That it would cause asphyxiation of society because the truth is, most people don't change their mind. They just die. So if they don't die, we will be stuck with old ideas and society wouldn't advance. ** [https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-interview-axel-springer-tesla-war-in-ukraine-2022-3 "Musk Discusses War in Ukraine and Importance of Nuclear Power"], ''[[w:Business Insider]]'' (March 26, 2022) * I'm talking about not having kids in the first place. That's the problem. ** Tweet (April 3, 2022), cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2022/07/elon-musk-tries-to-populate-mars-himself.html "Is Elon Musk Trying to Populate Mars Himself?"] ''New York'' magazine (July 7, 2022). ** The total population of the world is now 8 billion. * A good sign as to whether there is free speech is, "Is someone you don't like allowed to say something you don't like?" ** [https://www.ted.com/talks/elon_musk_elon_musk_talks_twitter_tesla_and_how_his_brain_works_live_at_ted2022 "Elon Musk talks Twitter, Tesla and how his brain works"], TED2022 (April 14, 2022; at 19:39) * This is not a way to make money.... I don't care about the economics at all. ** [https://www.cbc.ca/news/business/elon-musk-twitter-free-speech-1.6419523 "Elon Musk launches hostile bid for [[Twitter]] claiming free-speech concerns"], ''CBC'' (April 14, 2022) * This is just my strong, intuitive sense ... that having a public platform that is maximally trusted and broadly inclusive is extremely important to the future of civilization ** [https://www.cbc.ca/news/business/elon-musk-twitter-free-speech-1.6419523 "Elon Musk launches hostile bid for [[Twitter]] claiming free-speech concerns"], ''CBC'' (April 14, 2022) * Do you still have a half billion dollar short position against Tesla?<br />Sorry, but I cannot take your philanthropy on climate change seriously when you have a massive short position against Tesla, the company doing the most to solve climate change. ** April 22, 2022 reply to [[Bill Gates]] per [https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-turned-down-bill-gates-philanthropy-over-tesla-short-2022-4 Business Insider article] * NBC basically saying Republicans are Nazis … Same org that covered up Hunter Biden laptop story, had Harvey Weinstein story early & killed it & built Matt Lauer his rape office. Lovely people. ** May 2, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1521181798067224578 tweet] * Apple's store is like having a 30% tax on the Internet. Definitely not ok. Literally 10 times higher than it should be. ** [http://macrumors.com/2022/05/03/elon-musk-criticizes-app-store-fees Elon Musk Says Apple's 30% App Store Fee is 'Literally 10 Times Higher Than It Should Be'] in ''MacRumors'' (3 May 2022). * A collapsing birth rate is the biggest danger civilization faces by far. Doing my best to help the underpopulation crisis. ** Tweet (<!-- posted on Thursday -->July 7, 2022), as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2022/07/07/elon-musk-reportedly-welcomed-twins-secret-last-year-one-top/ "Elon Musk says he is 'doing his bit to help underpopulation' after fathering twins with executive"] ''The Telegraph'' (July 7, 2022) ** Tweet followed the birth of twins taking his reported number of children to 9. * Population of Mars is still zero people! ** Tweet (July 7, 2022), cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2022/07/elon-musk-tries-to-populate-mars-himself.html "Is Elon Musk Trying to Populate Mars Himself?"] ''New York'' magazine (July 7, 2022) * I don’t hate the man, but it’s time for Trump to hang up his hat & sail into the sunset. Dems should also call off the attack – don’t make it so that Trump’s only way to survive is to regain the Presidency. ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2022/07/12/elon-musk-says-its-time-for-trump-to-sail-into-the-sunset.html "Elon Musk says it’s time for Trump to ‘sail into the sunset’"], ''CNBC'' (July 12, 2024) * Let’s try this then: the will of the people who live in the Donbas & Crimea should decide whether they’re part of Russia or Ukraine ** October 3, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1576994262226702336 poll on Twitter] - the voting options were 'yes' and 'no' * You are assuming that I wish to be popular. I don't care. I do care that millions of people may die needlessly for an essentially identical outcome.<br />Russia is doing partial mobilization. They go to full war mobilization if Crimea is at risk. Death on both sides will be devastating.<br />Russia has >3 times population of Ukraine, so victory for Ukraine is unlikely in total war. If you care about the people of Ukraine, seek peace. ** October 3, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1576998577758666752 tweet] * I still very much support Ukraine, but am convinced that massive escalation of the war will cause great harm to Ukraine and possibly the world. ** (October 3, 2022; 7:47pm) [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1577083012914651142 tweet] * I play the fool on Twitter and often shoot myself in the foot and cause myself all sorts of trouble . . . I don't know, I find it vaguely therapeutic to express myself on Twitter. It's a way to get messages out to the public. ** Predicted dangerous changes in [https://agupubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/2013GL058376 the Sun], as opposed to [[w:Climate change|climate change]] caused by humans, are not considered likely to happen for 1 to 1.5 billion years. * Something will happen to Earth eventually, it’s just a question of time. Eventually the sun will expand and destroy all life on Earth, so we do need to move at some point, or at least be a multi-planet species. [...] You have to ask the question: do we want to be a space-flying civilisation and a multi-planet species or not? [...] It's a question of what percentage of resources should we devote to such an endeavour? I think if you say 1 per cent of resources, that's probably a reasonable amount. ** Interview comments cited in the [https://www.ft.com/content/5ef14997-982e-4f03-8548-b5d67202623a "Elon Musk: 'Aren’t you entertained?'"], ''Financial Times'' (October 7, 2022) ** Predicted dangerous changes in [https://agupubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/2013GL058376 the Sun], as opposed to [[w:Climate change|climate change]] caused by humans, are not considered likely to happen for 1 to 1.5 billion years. * I'm subject to literally a million laws and regulations and I obey almost 99.99 per cent of them. It's only when I think the law is contrary to the interest of the people that I have an issue. ** Interview comments cited in the [https://www.ft.com/content/5ef14997-982e-4f03-8548-b5d67202623a "Elon Musk: 'Aren’t you entertained?'"], ''Financial Times'' (October 7, 2022) ** Predicted dangerous changes in [https://agupubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/2013GL058376 the Sun], as opposed to [[w:Climate change|climate change]] caused by humans, are not considered likely to happen for 1 to 1.5 billion years. * I have spoken to [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] only once and that was about 18 months ago. The subject matter was space. ** [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1579879154463690752 Tweet] (October 11, 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2022/oct/11/elon-musk-denies-report-he-spoke-to-putin-about-use-of-nuclear-weapons "Elon Musk denies report he spoke to Putin about use of nuclear weapons"], ''The Guardian'' (October 11, 2022) ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/10/11/business/elon-musk-ian-bremmer-putin-ukraine-intl-hnk/index.html It had been claimed Musk had spoken to Putin recently about Musk's peace plan] which would have meant Ukraine accepting neutrality and Crimea being part of Russia, also stated objectives of the Russian government. * To be frank, we’re very pedal to the metal come rain or shine. We are not reducing our production in any meaningful way, recession or not recession. ** Quoted speaking about Tesla in [https://www.cnbc.com/2022/10/19/elon-musk-says-tesla-is-pedal-to-the-metal-even-in-recession.html?msockid=2ed1dc5b67bb6e781f29ca7f669c6fb2 "Elon Musk says Tesla is ‘pedal to the metal’ even with potential recession looming"], ''CNBC'' (Oct 19 2022) * I see a path for Tesla to be worth more than Apple and Saudi Aramco combined. ** [http://appleinsider.com/articles/22/10/19/elon-musk-again-claims-one-day-tesla-will-get-bigger-than-apple-is-today Elon Musk again claims one day Tesla will get bigger than Apple is today] in ''AppleInsider'' (20 October 2022). * The reason I acquired Twitter is because it is important to the future of civilization to have a common digital town square, where a wide range of beliefs can be debated in a healthy manner, without resorting to violence. There is currently great danger that social media will splinter into far right-wing and far left wing echo chambers that generate more hate and divide our society... That is why I bought Twitter. I didn't do it because it would be easy. I didn't do it to make more money. I did it to try to help humanity, whom I love ... That said, Twitter obviously cannot become a free-for-all hellscape where anything can be said with no consequences! ** October 27, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1585619322239561728 tweet] * There is a tiny possibility there might be more to this story than meets the eye, ** 29 October 2022 response to [[Hilary Clinton]] regarding the [[Paul Pelosi]] attack, attested to [https://www.axios.com/2022/10/30/elon-musk-paul-pelosi-tweet-rumor October 30th by Axios], Elon linked to [https://www.smobserved.com/story/2022/10/29/news/the-awful-truth-paul-pelosi-was-drunk-again-and-in-a-dispute-with-a-male-prostitute-early-friday-morning/7191.html this October 29th story] by the Santa Monica Observer. Elon deleted the tweet later that day, after news coverage like [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/crime/elon-musk-paul-pelosi-attack-hillary-clinton-b2213757.html Rachel Sharp of The Independent], and apologized on January 28, 2023, after video of the incident was released to the public. [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1619415871902056449?cxt=HHwWgoDQxfmJqfksAAAA tweet] * Regarding Twitter’s reduction in force, unfortunately there is no choice when the company is losing over $4M/day. ** [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1588671155766194176 tweet] via[[Twitter]] (November 4, 2022) * We do ** November 7, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1589613451839942657 tweet] in response to [[Tom Fitton]] saying "I wonder if @ElonMusk's @Twitter has tortious interference claims against the Left activist groups which are causing damaging advertiser boycotts of the platform?" * To independent-minded voters: Shared power curbs the worst excesses of both parties, therefore I recommend voting for a Republican Congress, given that the Presidency is Democratic. ** November 7, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1589639376186724354 tweet] * And lead us not into temptation … ** November 20, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1594500655724609536 tweet] accompanying an image of a praying man captioned [[Donald Trump]] ignoring a woman censored by a Twitter logo * I wonder what Earth will be like 88 million years from now ** November 26, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1596439328338890752 tweet] * So city of [[SF]] attacks [[companies]] providing beds for tired employees instead of making sure [[kids]] are safe from {{w|fentanyl}}. Where are your priorities? ** Quoted in [https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2022-12-07/san-francisco-investigating-allegation-that-twitter-converted-office-space-to-beds-for-workers San Francisco investigating allegation that Twitter converted office space to bedrooms for workers] by Noah Goldberg (December 7, 2022) * The Twitter Files on free speech suppression soon to be published on Twitter itself. The public deserves to know what really happened. ** December 8, 2022 [https://gizmodo.com/elon-musk-wikipedia-twitter-twitter-files-1849869127 "Wikipedia Founder Indirectly Tells Elon Musk the Site 'Is Not for Sale'"] by Nikki Main * Forcing your pronouns upon others when they didn’t ask, and implicitly ostracizing those who don’t, is neither good nor kind to anyone.<br>As for Fauci, he lied to Congress and funded gain-of-function research that killed millions of people. Not awesome imo. ** December 11, 2022 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1602113254360162304 tweet] * Is there a conspiracy theory about Twitter that didn’t turn out to be true? So far they’ve all turned out to be true — if not more true than people thought. ** [https://rumble.com/v22cxba-elon-musk-on-how-much-more-twitter-files-there-will-be.html “All-In” podcast], theme of show, “all things” with Chamath Palihapitiva, co-host (December 27, 2022) ===2023=== * The media is racist. For a *very* long time, US media was racist against non-white people, now they're racist against whites & Asians.<br />Same thing happened with elite colleges & high schools in America.<br />Maybe they can try not being racist. ** February 26, 2023 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1629764614870167552 tweet] about comments by cartoonist [[Scott Adams]] (26 February 2023), cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-64790657 article] ''BBC News'' (February 27, 2023) * Better to talk to people than communicate via tweet. ** March 8, 2023 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1633240643727138824 tweet] * Best way to fight misinformation is to respond with accurate information, not censorship ** March 16, 2023 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1636453969491836930 tweet] * Blooper reel must be amazing. ** March 26, 2023 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1640170427271069699 tweet] referencing [[King Kong]] * Any parent or doctor who sterilizes a child before they are a consenting adult should go to prison for life ** April 14, 2023 [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1646824088940232704 tweet] * Now you can still satisfy the [[w:Limbic system|limbic]] instinct but not procreate. So we haven't yet evolved to deal with that because this is all fairly recent in the last 50 years or so before birth control. * I'm sort of worried that hey, civilization, if we don't make enough people to at least sustain our numbers, perhaps increase a little bit, then civilization's going to crumble. ** On ''Tucker Carlson Tonight'' (April 18, 2023), cited in [https://www.salon.com/2023/04/19/elon-musk-tucker-carlson-twitter-birth-control-democracy/ "Elon Musk and "Tucker Carlson Tonight": A distracting match made in misinformation paradise"] ''Salon'' (April 19, 2023) * You assume they are good intentions. They are not. He wants to erode the very fabric of civilization. [[George Soros|Soros]] hates humanity. ** Tweet (15 May 2023), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2023/05/16/business/elon-musk-george-soros/index.html "Elon Musk claims George Soros 'hates humanity.' The ADL says Musk's attacks 'will embolden extremists'"] ''CNN'' (May 16, 2023) ** In an earlier tweet, Musk had compared [[George Soros]], a Jewish Holocaust survivor, to [[w:X-Men|X-Men]] criminal [[w:Magneto (Marvel Comics)|Magneto]], a Marvel comic book survivor of the Holocaust. * I'll say what I want to say, and if the consequence of that is losing money, so be it. ** Interview on CNBC (May 16, 2023) as cited in [https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-misquotes-princess-bride-tweets-conspiracy-theories-lose-money-2023-5 "Elon Musk misquoted 'The Princess Bride' when asked why he keeps tweeting political opinions and antisemitic conspiracy theories: 'If we lose money, so be it'"] ''Insider'' (17 May 2023) ** In response to criticism over his tweets about George Soros * I think that the whole notion of work from home is a bit like the fake Marie Antoinette quote, "Let them eat cake". It's not just a productivity thing, I think it’s morally wrong. [...] People should get off the goddamn moral high horse with the work-from-home bullshit. **Interview on CNBC (May 16, 2023) as cited in [https://www.cnbc.com/2023/05/16/elon-musk-work-from-home-morally-wrong-when-some-have-to-show-up.html "Elon Musk: Working from home is ‘morally wrong’ when service workers still have to show up"], ''CNBC'' (Englewood Cliffs, May 16, 2023) * If you were unfairly treated by your employer due to posting or liking something on this platform, we will fund your legal bill. No limit. ** https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1688022163574439937 * I support Russell Brand. That man is not evil. ** Tweets/posts on 'X', as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/russell-brand-supporters-elon-musk-andrew-tate-nqd2hk6nq "The backers of Russell Brand claim ‘agenda’ lies behind allegations"], ''The Times'' (London, September 18, 2023) * [the media] don’t like the competition. ** Tweets/posts on 'X', as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/russell-brand-supporters-elon-musk-andrew-tate-nqd2hk6nq "The backers of Russell Brand claim ‘agenda’ lies behind allegations"], ''The Times'' (London, September 18, 2023) * History is written by the victors. Well, yes, but not if your enemies are still alive and have a lot of time on their hands to edit [[Wikipedia]]. ** Tweets/posts on 'X', as cited in [https://twitter.com/KanekoaTheGreat/status/1703911656156430785] (September 19, 2023) * Have you ever wondered why the [[Wikimedia Foundation]] wants so much money? It certainly isn’t needed to operate Wikipedia. You can literally fit a copy of the entire text on your phone! So, what’s the money for? Inquiring minds want to know… ** [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1716093692698566927 ''X''], (October 22, 2023); as quoted by Matthew Gault, [https://www.vice.com/en/article/elon-musk-still-doesnt-understand-how-wikipedia-works/ “Elon Musk Still Doesn’t Understand How Wikipedia Works”], ''Vice'', (October 23, 2023) * Instead of knowledge, schools pour poison into the ears of our children ** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1711956787081969934?s=46] * It is not clear who has authority for ground links in [[Gaza]], but do we know that no [[terminal]] has requested a connection in that area ** [https://www.politico.com/news/2023/10/28/musk-says-starlink-will-support-connectivity-to-aid-organizations-in-gaza-00124090 Musk says Starlink will support connectivity to aid organizations in Gaza] (28 October, 2023) * We will have something that is, for the first time smarter than the smartest human. It's hard to say exactly what that moment is, but there will come a point where no job is needed. You can have a job if you wanted to have a job for personal satisfaction. But the AI would be able to do everything. I don't know if that makes people comfortable or uncomfortable. If you wish for a magic genie, that gives you any wish you want, and there's no limit. You don't have those three wish limits nonsense, it's both good and bad. One of the challenges in the future will be how do we find meaning in life. ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2023/11/02/tesla-boss-elon-musk-says-ai-will-create-situation-where-no-job-is-needed.html ''Elon Musk says AI will eventually create a situation where 'no job is needed'''] (November 2, 2023) * You can have a job if you want to have it for personal pleasure. But AI could do everything. **[https://archive.vn/rEURg Bill Gates teases the possibility of a 3-day work week where ‘machines can make all the food and stuff’] (November 23, 2023) * What this advertising boycott is going to do is, it is going to kill the company [...] And the whole world will know that those advertisers killed the company ** From an interview with [[w:Andrew Ross Sorkin|Andrew Ross Sorkin]] at ''The New York Times'' Dealbook Summit (29 November 2023), as cited in [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/business-news/elon-musk-talks-x-advertiser-exodus-dealbook-summit-1235698937/ "Elon Musk to Advertisers Who Left X: 'Go F*** Yourself'"], ''The Hollywood Reporter'' (29 November 2023) ** [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/business-news/bob-iger-dealbook-summit-disney-1235698528/ At the same event], earlier in the day, Disney CEO [[Bob Iger]] had explained his reasons for ceasing to advertise on X (formerly known as Twitter). * Don't advertise. If someone is going to try and blackmail me with advertising? Blackmail me with money? Go fuck yourself [...] Go fuck yourself, is that clear? Hey Bob, if you're in the audience. That's how I feel, don't advertise. ** From an interview with [[w:Andrew Ross Sorkin|Andrew Ross Sorkin]] at ''The New York Times'' Dealbook Summit (29 November 2023), as cited in [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/business-news/elon-musk-talks-x-advertiser-exodus-dealbook-summit-1235698937/ "Elon Musk to Advertisers Who Left X: 'Go F*** Yourself'"], ''The Hollywood Reporter'' (29 November 2023) ** [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/business-news/bob-iger-dealbook-summit-disney-1235698528/ At the same event], earlier in the day, Disney CEO [[Bob Iger]] had explained his reasons for ceasing to advertise on X (formerly known as Twitter). * Offer me money, offer me strength, I don't care. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFB2Kx0DtJM] (May 17, 2023) * The woke mind virus consists of creating very, very divisive identity politics…[that] amplifies racism; amplifies, frankly, sexism; and all of the -isms while claiming to do the opposite...It actually divides people and makes them hate each other and hate themselves. ** Quoted in [https://www.wsj.com/tech/elon-musk-woke-mind-virus-41576aa6 "Why Elon Musk Won’t Stop Talking About a ‘Woke Mind Virus’"], ''WSJ'' (Dec. 23, 2023) ===2024=== * Just don't invade Russia. It's never a good idea. ** January 4, 2024 [https://thepressunited.com/updates/musk-warns-against-invading-russia/ Musk warns against invading Russia], The Press United. * Most humans have very limited firewalls, so are easily programmed. ** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1766544406532780200 Tweet] (March 9, 2024) * SpaceX has roughly 6000 satellites and not once have we had to maneuver around a UFO. ** [https://twitter.com/MilkenInstitute/status/1787635180121084044 Tweet] (May 6, 2024) * Civilization is rare. We should do everything possible to save it. ** [https://twitter.com/MilkenInstitute/status/1787635180121084044 Tweet] (May 6, 2024) * I would urge parents to limit the amount of social media that children can see because they're being programmed by a dopamine-maximizing AI. ** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1793685157364543814 Tweet] (May 23, 2024) * Great damage was done today to the public’s faith in the American legal system. ** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1796440638617244012 Tweet] (May 31, 2024) * If a former President can be criminally convicted over such a trivial matter – motivated by politics, rather than justice – then anyone is at risk of a similar fate. ** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1796440638617244012 Tweet] (May 31, 2024) * DEI kills art. ** [https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1794019942167191602 Tweet] (May 24, 2024) * The CEO of an aircraft company should know how to design aircraft, not spreadsheets. ** [https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-beefing-with-boeing-again-over-ceos-accountancy-degree-2024-6 "Elon Musk is beefing with Boeing again, calling out its CEO and saying he should be able to 'design aircraft, not spreadsheets'"], ''Business Insider'' (June 26, 2024) * Support [[freedom of speech]] in the UK! ** Post on X (9 August 2024), quoted in [https://www.ft.com/content/d026a8d1-26d1-494d-83dc-5ff0204388e8 "UK considers forcing tech firms to remove 'legal but harmful' content after riots"], ''Financial Times'' (9 August 2024) ** The source mentions the UK's [[w:Online Safety Act 2023|Online Safety Act 2023]]. * Fine Taylor … you win … I will give you a child and guard your cats with my life ** Post on X (September 10, 2024), as cited in [https://variety.com/2024/digital/news/elon-musk-father-child-taylor-swift-disgust-creepy-1236140915/ "Elon Musk’s Offer to Father a Child With Taylor Swift Elicits Disgust: 'You’re Creepy. Full Stop'"], ''Variety'' (September 11, 2024) * The Dems want to take your kids ** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1834898659697098926] (September 14, 2024) * And no one is even trying to assassinate Biden/Kamala 🤔 ** Post on Twitter (15 September 2024), as cited in [https://www.forbes.com/sites/siladityaray/2024/09/16/musk-posts-then-deletes-no-one-is-even-trying-to-assassinate-bidenkamala/ "Musk Posts Then Deletes 'No One Is Even Trying To Assassinate Biden/Kamala'"], ''Forbes'' (September 16, 2024) ** Followed what the FBI described as an assassination attempt against Donald Trump at his International Golf Club in Florida.<!-- WP article Trump International Golf Club shooting has a title change request --> ===2025=== * [[Video games]] are meant for you to be immersed in an exciting and creative alternative reality and have [[fun]] with friends. Adding present-day political bullshit kills the vibe. ** {{cite tweet|user=elonmusk|author=Elon Musk|number=1879534816913502214|date=2025-01-15|title=Elon Musk on X}} * I am become meme. ** Quoted from [[w:Conservative Political Action Conference|CPAC]] event in [https://dailydot.com/i-am-become-meme-elon-musk "Elon Musk’s ‘I am become meme’ quote, explained—what it means and where it started"], ''Daily Dot'' (Feb. 20, 2025) * The fundamental weakness of Western civilization is [[empathy]], the empathy exploit. There it’s they’re exploiting a bug in Western civilization, which is the empathy response. ** Quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/03/05/politics/elon-musk-rogan-interview-empathy-doge/index.html "Elon Musk wants to save Western civilization from empathy"], ''CNN'' (Mar 5, 2025) * Be quiet, small man. You pay a tiny fraction of the cost. And there is no substitute for Starlink. ** Post on X (9 March 2025), a response to Polish Foreign Minister {{w|Radoslaw Sikorski}} after he implied any threats to shut down Starlink would result in a search for other suppliers. [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cy87vg38dnpo Musk and Rubio spar with Polish minister over Starlink in Ukraine], ''BBC News'' (March 9, 2025) * I'm sorry, but I just can't stand it anymore. This massive, outrageous, pork-filled Congressional spending bill is a disgusting abomination. Shame on those who voted for it: you know you did wrong. You know it. ** Written about the "Big, Beatiful Bill" from the Trump administration, quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/musk-attacks-trumps-funding-bill-disgusting-abomination/story "Elon Musk attacks Trump's funding bill: 'Disgusting abomination'"], ''ABC News'' (June 3, 2025) * This immense level of overspending will drive America into debt slavery! ** [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/elon-musk-warns-excessive-spending-plunge-us-into-debt-slavery "Elon Musk warns excessive spending will plunge US 'into debt slavery'"], ''FOX News'' (June 4, 2025) * Progress is measured by the timeline to establishing a self-sustaining civilization on Mars. ** [https://transpocket.com/share/oUKhep6cUl3s/ "Starship Update with Elon Musk 2025"], ''TransPocket'' (June 24, 2025) * Time to drop the really big bomb: @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT! **Musk in a deleted post on X in June 5, 2025. Reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/musk-appears-delete-posts-claiming-trump-epstein-files/story?id=122609304 "Musk appears to delete X posts claiming Trump was in Epstein files"], ''ABC News'' (June 7, 2025) * The latest Senate draft bill will destroy millions of jobs in America and cause immense strategic harm to our country. Utterly insane and destructive. It gives handouts to industries of the past, while severely damaging industries of the future. ** [https://time.com/7298552/trump-big-beautiful-bill-senate-advance-musk-criticism-opposition/ "Trump’s ‘Big, Beautiful Bill’ Faces Opposition From Musk and Some Republicans as the Senate Narrowly Votes to Advance It"] ''Time Magazine'' (June 29, 2025) * This bill raises the debt ceiling by $5 TRILLION, the biggest increase in history. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/elon-back-blasting-trump-big-233525897.html "Elon Is Back to Blasting Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill: ‘Utterly Insane’"] ''Daily Beast / Yahoo News'' (June 29, 2025) * White people are a rapidly diminishing minority of global population. ** [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1964582769302045121 Musk tweet] (September 7, 2025) * It’s good to have talented people in the administration, but at the end of the day, if you look at our national debt, which is insanely high, the interest payments exceed the [Pentagon] budget and they keep rising...If AI and robots don’t solve our national debt, we’re toast. ** Quoted in [https://thehill.com/policy/technology/5495867-elon-musk-federal-government-broken/ "Musk on his Washington tenure: ‘The government is basically unfixable’"], ''The Hill'' (Sep 10, 2025) * Whether you choose violence or not, violence is coming to you. You either fight back or you die. * Quote from Musk's address to a [[Tommy Robinson]] rally in [[London]] in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c0m4rz0pvmno "Musk's language was abhorrent, says home secretary"], ''BBC News'' (September 15, 2025) * '''AI and robots will replace all jobs.''' * '''Working will be optional, like growing your own vegetables, instead of buying them from the store.''' ** From a [https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1980765809338147193 post] on X official Facebook profile, 22 October 2025 * (About Amazon's plan to automate 75% of its operations) It’s insane to think that a human will pack and ship boxes in ten years — it’s game over folks. ** From a [https://x.com/Jason/status/1980750123513835912 post] in the official X profile, 3 November 2025 ===2026=== * Not just a few astronauts, I mean literally you. Whoever you are watching this, [[SpaceX]] wants to be able to take you to the moon, take you to [[Mars]] and ultimately beyond. ** Quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/musk-spacex-tesla-ipo-trillionaire-billionaire-worth-rockets-7723f82b6063a9a17c194e25982cd66d "SpaceX soars 23% in Wall Street debut and makes Elon Musk the first trillionaire"], ''AP News'' (June 12, 2026) ==Quotes about Musk== :<small>'''In alphabetical order by author or source.'''</small> * Musk is a parasitic illegal immigrant. He wants to impose his freak experiments and play-act as God without any respect for the country’s history, values, or traditions. ** [[Steve Bannon]] in [https://unherd.com/2025/02/steve-bannon-is-ready-for-war/ "Steve Bannon is ready for war"] ''UnHerd'' (February 18, 2024) * [L]ots of luck on his trip to the moon. ** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/biden-wishes-elon-musk-luck-trip-moon-after-job-cut-remark-2022-06-03/ "Biden wishes Elon Musk 'luck' on moon trip after job cut plans"], ''Reuters'' (June 3, 2023) * [the [[w:Digital Services Act|DSA]]] sets very precise obligations regarding content moderation [and that X needs] to be very transparent and clear on what content is permitted under your terms and consistently and diligently enforce your own policies. ** [[w:Thierry Breton|Thierry Breton]] [https://www.cnbc.com/2023/10/10/elon-musk-warned-about-misinformation-violent-content-on-x-by-eu.html Europe gives Elon Musk 24 hours to respond about Israel-Hamas war misinformation and violence on X, formerly Twitter] (October 11, 2023) * [T]hat laminated-faced hair plug cunt on Twitter. ** [[Bill Burr]], as quoted in Keegan Kelly, [https://www.cracked.com/article_44030_bill-burr-says-elon-musk-is-the-new-steve-jobs-in-terms-of-burr-hating-him.html?newsletter-cat=comedy "Bill Burr Says Elon Musk Is the New Steve Jobs in Terms of Burr Hating Him"], [[w:Cracked (magazine)|''Cracked'']] (October 18, 2024) * You don't have to be an [[w:Extraversion and introversion|extrovert]] to succeed as an entrepreneur. That's because business success is about making smart decisions and solving problems. Just ask [[Bill Gates]], Elon Musk and [[Warren Buffett]], who are all self-proclaimed introverts. ** Caroline Castrillon, '[https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolinecastrillon/2022/01/02/why-introverts-make-successful-entrepreneurs/ Why Introverts Make Successful Entrepreneurs]', ''Forbes'' (28 June 2022) * Lies can indeed kill and, though there are of course many others, one of the world's most prolific enemies of truth is Elon Musk. He is surely the global far right’s most significant figure, and he holds the world’s largest megaphone. ** [[Jonathan Freedland]] [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/aug/09/uk-far-right-riots-elon-musk-x "You know who else should be on trial for the UK’s far-right riots? Elon Musk"], ''The Guardian'' (9 August 2024) ** Musk had posted on 'X' about the [[w:2024 United Kingdom riots|2024 United Kingdom riots]] ("Civil war is inevitable"), reposted fake news sources and clashed with UK prime minister [[Keir Starmer]]. * Musk isn’t promoting liberty; he’s using his power to privilege many of the worst voices in American life. ** [[w:David French (political commentator)|David French]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/10/opinion/musk-free-speech.html "Elon Musk’s Antisemitism Problem Isn’t About Free Speech"], ''The New York Times'' (September 10, 2023) * It's ironic that Elon Musk, the man who has been talking about [[w:Colonization of Mars|getting us to Mars]] should be [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]]'s messenger for [[w:Russian invasion of Ukraine|the war in Ukraine]], when we're having a really hard time getting our act together on this planet. ** [[w:Fiona Hill (presidential advisor)|Fiona Hill]] [https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2022/10/17/fiona-hill-putin-war-00061894 "Fiona Hill: 'Elon Musk Is Transmitting a Message for Putin'"], ''Politico'' (October 17, 2022) * "I think it is possible for ordinary people to choose to be extraordinary," as Musk famously said in 2008. In the 15 years since, he has revolutionised electric transport, broken world records in space travel, become the wealthiest person in the world, and made more headlines in a week than most tech CEOs make in their careers. ** Charlie King, [https://evmagazine.com/articles/lifetime-of-achievement-elon-musk "Lifetime of Achievement: Elon Musk"], ''EV Magazine'' (4 January 2024) * Wow, interesting. I didn't think it was possible to look uncool while wearing a leather jacket and telling people to go fuck themselves, but he pulled it off somehow. ** Michael Kosta, ''[[The Daily Show]]'', [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEQp7tOQs5U Biden's Post-Dropout Interview, Trump’s Crowd Size Insecurity & Elon’s Legal Fit] (2024) * Russia's slant on the world appears to have penetrated Musk's mind and he is by far [[w:Bellingcat|Bellingcat]]'s most famous detractor. Bellingcat's Twitter account has periodically disappeared from site searches and Musk himself often retweets conspiracy theories about the group. * [Comments from [[w:Christo Grozev|Christo Grozev]] of Bellingcat cited by Luce] "Musk is extremely influential. He has a cult following and he's purveying falsehoods. Because of his image among his followers as someone who knows the truth that others can’t see, he is more dangerous than a [[Donald Trump|Trump]]." ** [[Edward Luce]] [https://www.ft.com/content/03f220e1-6a7e-4850-bf4e-4b0f521d8f8c "Bellingcat's Christo Grozev: 'Prigozhin will either be dead or there will be a second coup'"], ''Financial Times'' (August 11, 2023) * Elon has always been an introvert thinker. So where a lot of people would go to a great party and have a great time and drink and talk about all sorts of things like rugby or sport, you would find Elon had found the person's library and was going through their books. ** [[w:Family of Elon Musk#Errol Musk|Errol Musk]] [https://www.forbes.com/sites/kerryadolan/2015/07/02/how-to-raise-a-billionaire-an-interview-with-elon-musks-father-errol-musk/ "How To Raise A Billionaire: An Interview With Elon Musk's Father, Errol Musk"], ''Forbes'' (July 2, 2015) * He would go through two books in one day. ** [[w:Kimbal Musk|Kimbal Musk]], quoted in Ashlee Vance, '[https://web.archive.org/web/20160414055240/https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2012-09-13/elon-musk-the-21st-century-industrialist Elon Musk, the 21st Century Industrialist]', ''Bloomberg'' (September 14, 2012) * Lmao at a billionaire earnestly trying to sell people on the idea that 'free speech' is actually a $8/mo subscription plan. ** [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]] Tweets quoted [https://newrepublic.com/post/168479/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-suddenly-problems-twitter-after-fighting-elon here] (November 2022) * We need to also assert who we are as a country, because Musk, again, has been interfering in our politics in the last few days, trying to whip up division – that is not who we are in [[Britain]]. ** British PM [[Keir Starmer]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c1e2ww900zno "Starmer accuses Musk of trying to whip up division over Henry Nowak murder"] ''BBC News'' (June 4, 2026) * Leon’s, I’ll tell you what, Elon, Elon, is not going to buy Twitter. … He’s got himself a mess. He said the other day, ‘Oh, I’ve never voted for a Republican.’ I said, ‘I didn’t know that. He told me he voted for me.’ So, he’s another bullshit artist. But he’s not going to be buying it. ** Claimed by [[Donald Trump]] about Elon Musk, who later [[w:Acquisition of Twitter by Elon Musk | bought Twitter]]. Quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-alaska-rally-elon-musk-1380402/ "Trump Bashes Elon Musk as ‘Bullshit Artist’ at Alaska Rally"], ''Rolling Stone'' (July 9, 2022) * Elon was wearing thin, I asked him to leave, I took away his EV mandate that forced everyone to buy electric cars that nobody else wanted (that he knew for months I was going to do!), and he just went CRAZY! ** US President [[Donald Trump]], quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/live/cyvm2181lqvt?post=asset%3A8fa45b10-d302-45a2-b1de-d244090ccab5#post "Trump threatens to terminate Musk's government contracts"], ''BBC News'' (June 5, 2025) ==See also== * [[Electric vehicles]] * [[Noblesse oblige]] * [[Philanthropy]] * [[SpaceX]] ==External links== * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Musk, Elon}} [[Category:1971 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Company founders]] [[Category:Software engineers from the United States]] [[Category:Programmers from the United States]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:People from Pretoria]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:NASA people]] [[Category:Space advocates]] [[Category:Chief executive officers]] [[Category:University of Pennsylvania alumni]] [[Category:Businesspeople from South Africa]] [[Category:Businesspeople from Texas]] [[Category:World record holders]] s5y3bq5tsjnh88ebolmlgynrrqmro4d 0 145432 3955257 3938201 2026-06-22T07:31:56Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Ren MacCormack */ 3955257 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Footloose (2011 film)|Footloose]]''''' is a 2011 American [[w:dance film|dance film]] about a young man who moves from Boston to a small southern town and protests the town's ban against dancing. It is a remake of the [[Footloose (1984 film)|1984 film of the same name]]. :''Directed by [[w:Craig Brewer|Craig Brewer]]. Written by Craig Brewer and [[w:Dean Pitchford|Dean Pitchford]].'' {{center|'''There Comes a Time to Cut Loose'''}} ==Ren MacCormack== * ''(addressing the town council)'' I wasn’t here three years ago, when tragedy struck this town. And I know it’s not my place to mourn the lives that were lost because I didn’t know them. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about them every day. Like a lot of students at Bomont, I see those pictures every day at school. And each time I see their faces, I think of how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken from us. I know this firsthand… in my own way. And three years ago, nearly a dozen laws were introduced to this council in order to protect the children of Bomont. And most of these laws, I can see, as a parent, how they make sense to you. But my right to dance… when I want, where I want, and how I want is a right that you cannot take away! It is mine. See, we don’t have that much time left. All us teenagers, pretty soon we’re gonna be just like you. We’re gonna have jobs, and bills, and families. And we’re gonna have to worry about our own children, because that is the job of a parent. To worry. I get that. But outs, as teenagers, is to live! To play our music way too loud and to act like idiots! And to make mistakes. Aren’t we told in Psalm 149: “Praise the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song. And let them praise his name in the dance.” Now if anybody else brought their bible, like I did, will you please turn it into the Book of Samuel, 6:14. “David… David danced before the Lord with all his might, leaping and dancing before the Lord.” Celebrating his love of God and celebrating his love of life. With what? With dancing! That’s all we’re doing here. Ecclesiastes assures us, “There is a time for each purpose under heaven. There’s a time to weep. There’s a time to mourn. And there is a time to dance.” And this is our time! There was once a time for that law, but not anymore. Thank you. * Hey! I thought this was a party! Let’s dance! * ''(after his bus catches fire)'' And I’m on fire. ==Dialogue== :'''Ariel Moore''': I have been so lost! I've been losing my mind! And you don't even see it! You don't even care! :'''Rev. Shaw Moore''': Of course I care. Of course we care. We don't expect you to understand everything we do that's intended to keep you safe. :'''Ariel Moore''': Stop it! I hate it when you treat me like I'm a child! :'''Rev. Shaw Moore''': Well, whether you like it or not, young lady, you are my child! :'''Ariel Moore''': I'm not even a virgin! :'''Rev. Shaw Moore''': Please... Please don't talk like that in here. :'''Ariel Moore''': Well, what are you gonna do? Pass another law? 'Cause that sure as hell didn't keep him out of my panties! :''[Shaw slaps Ariel across the face]'' :'''Vi Moore''': Shaw! :'''Ariel Moore''': Well, let's go get that guy that blacken my eye 'cuz we don't hit girls in Bomont. Do we, daddy? <hr width=60%> :'''Willard''': ''[referring to Ariel]'' You can stick a quarter in that girl's backpocket and tell whether or not it's heads or tails. You're trying to knock boots with her, aren't you? :'''Ren MacCormack''': No, I'm not. :'''Willard''': Yes, you are. He is. <hr width=60%> :'''Woody''': Public dancing is against the law under 18 in Bomont. :'''Ren MacCormack''': Wait, wait, wait. Jump back. Are you kidding me? ''Dancing'' is against the law? <hr width=60%> :'''Willard''': ''[referring to Ariel]'' Daddy gonna take her out to the woodshed. :'''Ren MacCormack''': What the hell does that mean? :'''Willard''': That means she's in deep shit. <hr width=60%> :''[first lines]'' :'''Rev. Shaw Moore''': ''He'' is testing us. Our Lord is testing us. Especially now, when we are consumed with despair. When we are asking our God why this had to happen. No parent should ever have to know the horror of burying their own child. And yet, five of Bomont's brightest have lost their lives. Among them, my only son... my boy, Bobby. We have other children to raise here in Bomont. And one day, there will no longer be in our embrace and in our care. They will belong to the world. A world filled with evil, and temptation, and danger. But until that day, they are ours to protect. That is the lesson to be taken from this tragedy. That is our test. We cannot be missing from our children's lives. <hr width=60%> :'''Ren MacCormack''': What are you doing here? :'''Ariel Moore''': What are ''you'' doing here? :'''Ren MacCormack''': I thought I was alone. :'''Ariel Moore''': Not in this town, you're not. There are eyes everywhere. <hr width=60%> :'''Willard''': ''[dusting himself off after bus crash, in singsong voice]'' "The wheels on the bus go BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!" <hr width=60%> :'''Rusty''': Now, when you said you were gonna wear a cowboy hat, I didn't know how I'd feel about it. :'''Willard''': And now that you've seen me in it, what's the verdict? :'''Rusty''': I think you're sexier than socks on a rooster. :'''Willard''': That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. :'''Rusty''': I mean it, stud. <hr width=60%> :'''Ariel Moore''': What was all that? :'''Ren MacCormack''': What was all that? :'''Ariel Moore''': ''[waving her arms, laughs]'' All that. :'''Ren MacCormack''': I was just letting off some steam. I'm sure you have your own wicked ways. :'''Ariel Moore''': You think I'm a slut or something? :'''Ren MacCormack''': I think you've been kissed a lot. ==Cast== * [[w:Kenny Wormald|Kenny Wormald]] as Ren MacCormack * [[w:Julianne Hough|Julianne Hough]] as Ariel Moore * [[w:Dennis Quaid|Dennis Quaid]] as Reverend Shaw Moore * [[w:Andie MacDowell|Andie MacDowell]] as Vi Moore * [[w:Miles Teller|Miles Teller]] as Willard Hewitt * [[w:Ser'Darius Blain|Ser'Darius Blain]] as Woody * Ziah Colon as Rusty * [[w:Patrick John Flueger|Patrick John Flueger]] as Chuck Cranston * [[w:Ray McKinnon|Ray McKinnon]] as Uncle Wes Warnicker * [[w:Kim Dickens|Kim Dickens]] as Aunt Lulu Warnicker ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|1068242|Footloose}} * {{Official website}} [[Category:2011 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Dance films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:American coming-of-age films]] [[Category:Romantic drama films]] [[Category:Teen drama films]] [[Category:Remake films]] [[Category:Films about proms]] i70m6hxezbhw1vg9bw0rykvkr4ih4py 3955259 3955257 2026-06-22T07:36:05Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Dialogue */ 3955259 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Footloose (2011 film)|Footloose]]''''' is a 2011 American [[w:dance film|dance film]] about a young man who moves from Boston to a small southern town and protests the town's ban against dancing. It is a remake of the [[Footloose (1984 film)|1984 film of the same name]]. :''Directed by [[w:Craig Brewer|Craig Brewer]]. Written by Craig Brewer and [[w:Dean Pitchford|Dean Pitchford]].'' {{center|'''There Comes a Time to Cut Loose'''}} ==Ren MacCormack== * ''(addressing the town council)'' I wasn’t here three years ago, when tragedy struck this town. And I know it’s not my place to mourn the lives that were lost because I didn’t know them. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about them every day. Like a lot of students at Bomont, I see those pictures every day at school. And each time I see their faces, I think of how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken from us. I know this firsthand… in my own way. And three years ago, nearly a dozen laws were introduced to this council in order to protect the children of Bomont. And most of these laws, I can see, as a parent, how they make sense to you. But my right to dance… when I want, where I want, and how I want is a right that you cannot take away! It is mine. See, we don’t have that much time left. All us teenagers, pretty soon we’re gonna be just like you. We’re gonna have jobs, and bills, and families. And we’re gonna have to worry about our own children, because that is the job of a parent. To worry. I get that. But outs, as teenagers, is to live! To play our music way too loud and to act like idiots! And to make mistakes. Aren’t we told in Psalm 149: “Praise the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song. And let them praise his name in the dance.” Now if anybody else brought their bible, like I did, will you please turn it into the Book of Samuel, 6:14. “David… David danced before the Lord with all his might, leaping and dancing before the Lord.” Celebrating his love of God and celebrating his love of life. With what? With dancing! That’s all we’re doing here. Ecclesiastes assures us, “There is a time for each purpose under heaven. There’s a time to weep. There’s a time to mourn. And there is a time to dance.” And this is our time! There was once a time for that law, but not anymore. Thank you. * Hey! I thought this was a party! Let’s dance! * ''(after his bus catches fire)'' And I’m on fire. ==Dialogue== :'''Ariel Moore''': I have been so lost! I’ve been losing my mind! And you don’t even see it! You don’t even care! :'''Rev. Shaw Moore''': Of course I care. Of course we care. We don’t expect you to understand everything we do that’s intended to keep you safe. :'''Ariel Moore''': Stop it! I hate it when you treat me like I’m a child! :'''Rev. Shaw Moore''': Well, whether you like it or not, young lady, you are my child! :'''Ariel Moore''': I’m not even a virgin! :'''Rev. Shaw Moore''': Please… Please don’t talk like that in here. :'''Ariel Moore''': Well, what are you gonna do? Pass another law? ‘Cause that sure as hell didn’t keep him out of my panties! ''(Shaw slaps Ariel across the face)'' :'''Vi Moore''': Shaw! :'''Ariel Moore''': Well, let’s go get that guy that blacken my eye ‘cause we don’t hit girls in Bomont. Do we, daddy? ---- :'''Willard''': ''(referring to Ariel)'' You can stick a quarter in that girl’s backpocket and tell whether or not it’s heads or tails. You’re trying to knock boots with her, aren’t you? :'''Ren MacCormack''': No, I’m not. :'''Willard''': Yes, you are. He is. ---- :'''Woody''': Public dancing is against the law under 18 in Bomont. :'''Ren MacCormack''': Wait, wait, wait. Jump back. Are you kidding me? ''Dancing'' is against the law? ---- :'''Willard''': ''(referring to Ariel)'' Daddy gonna take her out to the woodshed. :'''Ren MacCormack''': What the hell does that mean? :'''Willard''': That means she’s in deep shit. ---- ''(first lines)'' :'''Rev. Shaw Moore''': ''He'' is testing us. Our Lord is testing us. Especially now, when we are consumed with despair. When we are asking our God why this had to happen. No parent should ever have to know the horror of burying their own child. And yet, five of Bomont’s brightest have lost their lives. Among them, my only son… my boy, Bobby. We have other children to raise here in Bomont. And one day, there will no longer be in our embrace and in our care. They will belong to the world. A world filled with evil, and temptation, and danger. But until that day, they are ours to protect. That is the lesson to be taken from this tragedy. That is our test. We cannot be missing from our children’s lives. ---- :'''Ren MacCormack''': What are you doing here? :'''Ariel Moore''': What are ''you'' doing here? :'''Ren MacCormack''': I thought I was alone. :'''Ariel Moore''': Not in this town, you’re not. There are eyes everywhere. ---- :'''Willard''': ''(dusting himself off after bus crash, in singsong voice)'' “The wheels on the bus go BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!” ---- :'''Rusty''': Now, when you said you were gonna wear a cowboy hat, I didn’t know how I’d feel about it. :'''Willard''': And now that you’ve seen me in it, what’s the verdict? :'''Rusty''': I think you’re sexier than socks on a rooster. :'''Willard''': That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. :'''Rusty''': I mean it, stud. ---- :'''Ariel Moore''': What was all that? :'''Ren MacCormack''': What was all that? :'''Ariel Moore''': ''(waving her arms, laughs)'' All that. :'''Ren MacCormack''': I was just letting off some steam. I’m sure you have your own wicked ways. :'''Ariel Moore''': You think I’m a slut or something? :'''Ren MacCormack''': I think you’ve been kissed a lot. ==Cast== * [[w:Kenny Wormald|Kenny Wormald]] as Ren MacCormack * [[w:Julianne Hough|Julianne Hough]] as Ariel Moore * [[w:Dennis Quaid|Dennis Quaid]] as Reverend Shaw Moore * [[w:Andie MacDowell|Andie MacDowell]] as Vi Moore * [[w:Miles Teller|Miles Teller]] as Willard Hewitt * [[w:Ser'Darius Blain|Ser'Darius Blain]] as Woody * Ziah Colon as Rusty * [[w:Patrick John Flueger|Patrick John Flueger]] as Chuck Cranston * [[w:Ray McKinnon|Ray McKinnon]] as Uncle Wes Warnicker * [[w:Kim Dickens|Kim Dickens]] as Aunt Lulu Warnicker ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|1068242|Footloose}} * {{Official website}} [[Category:2011 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Dance films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:American coming-of-age films]] [[Category:Romantic drama films]] [[Category:Teen drama films]] [[Category:Remake films]] [[Category:Films about proms]] ma3wm1b5mzen2b1y8bp8k1dicjkn3gm 0 147842 3955240 3954790 2026-06-22T06:49:51Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Dialogue */ 3955240 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic_title}} '''''[[w:We're the Millers|We're the Millers]]''''' is a [[w:2013 in film|2013]] American [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] about a veteran pot dealer who creates a fake family as part of his plan to move a huge shipment of weed into the U.S. from Mexico. :''Directed by [[w:Rawson Marshall Thurber|Rawson Marshall Thurber]]. Written by [[w:Bob Fisher (screenwriter)|Bob Fisher]], [[w:Steve Faber|Steve Faber]], [[w:Sean Anders|Sean Anders]], and [[w:John Morris (filmmaker)|John Morris]].'' {{center|'''If Anyone Asks'''}} ==David== * ''(Firework flies up into the sky and pops)'' There we go. You fucking happy? Come on. ==Dialogue== :'''Rose''': You’re not a neighbor, you’re a drug dealer…whose apartment smells like cheese and feet? :'''David''': Mm. Yeah, it’s a candle I got from Anthropologie. “Cheesy Feet” is what they call it. It's a best-seller. ---- :'''Kenny''': Hey, David. :'''David''': Hi, Kenny. :'''Kenny''': So I heard you and Miss O’Riley fighting. :'''David''': It’s called flirting, Kenny. You’ll learn about it in college. What the hell you doing up? It’s almost 2 a.m. Where’s your mom? :'''Kenny''': Uh, she went for a drink with a friend. :'''David''': When? :'''Kenny''': Last week. So I got my whole place to myself. Rolling Han Solo for the weekend. Um, speaking of rolling, I was wondering… :'''David''': I don’t sell to kids, Kenny. :'''Kenny''': I’m 18, I’m gonna get my own place soon. I’m not a kid, David. :'''David''': Yeah, you are, take care. ''(Kenny has noticed three men harassing a young woman in an alleyway so Kenny has walked over)'' :'''David''': Goddamn it, Kenny. ''(David follows Kenny)'' ---- :'''David''': Hey, hey, hey, hey, easy, easy. What’s going on here? :'''Street thug''': Mind your own fucking business, old man. :'''David''': Oh my God, you’re a dude. I was like, what the hell? I mean, your voice was much deeper than your bone structure. :'''Casey''': These assholes are trying to steal my iPhone. :'''David''': Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren’t you homeless? :'''Casey''': So? Fuck you, dude. ''(Note:Not clear who she says this to)'' :'''David''': Okay, this was fun, carry on. :'''Kenny''': Wait, no. These guys are picking on this girl, and it’s not fair. :'''Street thug 2''': What the fuck are you gonna do about it, white boy? You some type a hero? ''(Note:The street thug is caucasian)'' :'''David''': No, he’s not a hero, he’s just a dumb kid. I got an idea, leave the girl alone. You three just move along, huh? What do you say? Move along? :'''Street thug''': What are you, some kind of cop? :'''Kenny''': No, he’s not a cop. He’s actually really cool. He’s a drug dealer. :'''Street thug''': Really? ''(Holds up a switchblade)'' :'''David''': Goddamn it, Kenny. :'''Street thug''': Give me your backpack. :'''David''': I don’t wanna fight. :'''Street thug''': Oh, there’s not gonna be a fight. See, you either give me your backpack, or I’m gonna stab you in the fucking neck and take it. :'''David''': Whew. So [[w:Sophie's Choice|it’s ạ Ṣophịe's Ċhoịċe here]], huh? Alright, okay, backpack it is you want... Run, Kenny! ''(David swings it at a street thug, and runs into alleyway, with the street thugs in pursuit of him)'' :'''Casey''': ''(walking down the street in nonchalant tone)'' Hey, sorry, I dropped my phone. Are we still going out tonight or what? :'''David''': ''(to the street thugs as he swings his backpack around)'' Sorry, this is fucking dumb. ''(lands on the dumpster feeling hurt)'' ''(David is caught by the thugs and his apartment is cleaned out of marijuana and cash.)'' :'''Kenny''': Are you okay, David? I can help. I’ll call the cops. ''(To David slumped on the apartment floor)'' :'''David''': No, I’m okay. ---- :'''Brad''': So, where’s my money, David? :'''David Clark''': Come on, man. We go back. :'''Brad''': Here’s the thing: We do go back. But it’s not college anymore, okay? We’re not just selling lids out of my dorm room. And you owe me $43,000. :'''David Clark''': I told you, I got robbed, Brad. They took everything I had, man. This week’s drop, 22 grand of my own money that I’d saved, I’m fucked. :'''Brad''': Listen, this is a fucked up situation, but I might have a win-win for both of us. :'''David Clark''': Great. :'''Brad''': I have a smidge of very choice mari-ju-ana down in Mexico and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular courier is out on a count of the fact that he got gunned down. Anyway, that’s where you come in. You could be my mule. I need someone I can trust. You go down to Mexico, bring it back here by Sunday night, not only will I forgive your debt, I will pay you a standard courier fee of $100,000. :'''David Clark''': You’re gonna give me 100 grand to move a smidge across the border? :'''Brad''': Smidge and a half. It's nothing. :'''David Clark''': Dude, I got rolled by the fucking cast of Annie. Now I come walking in here you’re asking me to become an international drug dealer. :'''Brad''': This is easy money, David. Come on, all you gotta do is pop down to Mexico, go to this address and tell them you're there to pick up for Pablo Chacon. :'''David Clark''': Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon? :'''Brad''': I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don’t get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right? ---- :'''Brad''': Although you are forgetting one thing. :'''David''': What? :'''Brad''': You don’t have a fucking choice. ''(David and Kenny are hanging out on steps of their building)'' :'''Kenny''': So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer? :'''David''': Drug smuggler, Kenny. There's a difference. :'''Kenny''': Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border. I mean, no offense, but you look like a total drug dealer. :'''David''': No shit. Thanks dude. :'''Kenny''': You could wear a disguise. :'''David''': What? :'''Kenny''': A disguise. :'''David''': Okay, that’s what I thought you said. So, a disguise. So what I should dress like? I don’t know, what’s hot this Halloween these days? Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane from Batman, something like that on some of my fucking face. ''(Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth)'' "Oh, there’s no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about." Yeah, good idea. :'''RV driver''': Hey, pardon me. Sure hate to bug you fellows, but I’m trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I’m all lost, so if you could help-- :'''David''': Yeah, fuck off, real-life Flanders. ''(Police officer tells RV driver that there is no parking here and gives RV driver directions and David has an epiphany)'' :'''David''': Holy fucking shit! Thank you, dickheads! ---- ''(David tries to convince Rose to come with him on the trip but Rose declines)'' :'''Kenny''': So, what has she said? :'''David''': The fuck do you think? She said no. :'''Kenny''': Cool. So it’s like, I guess a father-and-son bonding trip to Mexico. :'''David''': Are you kidding me? You and me traveling alone in a van, it’s gonna look like pervert Olympics. No way. Absolutely no. We need a girl, and unless you can think of someone that can leave town tomorrow, I’m fucked. :'''Kenny''': I know a girl. ''(Casey is prying open cash deposits with a crowbar)'' :'''Casey''': I don’t get it. What’s in it for me? :'''David''': Well, I’m thinking, maybe a roof over your head, some hot food, that’d be good, right? :'''Casey''': Okay, but for $1,000. :'''David''': Okay, $1,000. But that’s it. :'''Casey''': And if we get caught, I’ll say you drugged and kidnapped me. Cool? :'''David''': Yeah, it’s cool. Yeah, it’s fine, but that’s it. Kenny, meet your new sister. :'''Kenny''': This is great. I always want a sister. ''(Tightly hugs Casey)'' :'''Casey''': Get it off me, get it off, get off. ---- :'''Todd''': I want you to start having sex with the customers for money. ''(Note: Todd is the owner of the strip club Rose dances in)'' :'''Rose''': What? That’s totally illegal, Todd! :'''Todd''': Come on, what are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those fuckers who just opened up across the street. :'''Rose''': You mean the Apple Store? :'''Todd''': Yeah, and they’re killing us. :'''Kimberly/Boner Garage''': Did you hear the good news? Now we get to fuck the costumers for money! ''(Squeals)'' :'''Todd''': Boner Garage loves it. :'''Rose''': I’m outta here, I’m outta here, I quit. ''(Walks up to apartment door and pulls off a posted notice)'' Eviction notice. Fuck. ''(Looks at mail ad of 1950’s woman)'' ---- ''(David, Kenny and Casey are waiting in a barbershop)'' :'''Kenny''': So Casey, I guess it’s nice for you to get your hair cut. I mean, you being homeless and all, I guess. :'''Casey''': I’m not homeless, fucktard. I have a home, but I left it because my parents… :'''David''': Oh my God, shut up, shut up, shut up, okay? Please? Alright, I don’t need to hear your heart bloodbath story right now, okay? I mean, I rented Precious on Netflix, and I still don’t watch the fucking thing. Actually, here, you know what? Just to give me a little peace and quiet, go buy yourself some new clothes. You know, the kind of stuff that loved children are wearing. Not this garbage, alright? Thank you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop. ''(Grabs Kenny and Casey)'' Kenny, you’re fine. You already look like a total dipshit. Here, you take it, you’re gonna need that. ''(Hands cash to Casey)'' You look like [[Eminem]] from 8 Mile. ''(Casey flips David off)'' Kenny, go with her. Make sure she doesn’t steal the money. And stay the fuck out the Hot Topic. :'''Stylist''': Okay, what are we doing today? :'''David''': Yeah, I say, give me something that says, “I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the Explorer shit and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.” :'''Middle Aged Man''': ''(Indicating his own haircut)'' Right here. :'''David''': ''(Points in the mirror)'' Yeah, that’s it. That’s the one. ---- ''(Speaking to Natalie, the flight attendant)'' :'''Natalie the Flight Attendant''': Hi, you folks have everything you need? :'''David''': Oh, you betcha! Yeah, we’re heading out on a family vacay here, you know? Off to see grandma, huh? :'''Natalie''': Well, you have a lovely family. :'''David''': Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, this is my son, Kenny Miller, right here. And my lovely daughter… :'''Casey''': Casey? :'''David''': Casey. Casey Miller. That’s right. And I’m David Miller. We’re the Millers. Yeah, now, you know, I got my hands full here. Couple of kooky teenagers. :'''Casey''': Yeah, I’m going through all those typical teenage girl issues like finals and college applications…and am I gonna get asked to prom. Plus, I haven’t gotten my period in two months…which is really weird, because I’ve mostly just been doing anal. ''(Kenny laughs)'' :'''David''': Oh, that’s enough. Well, thank you for your help, Natalie. ---- ''(After Kenny and Casey see fireworks while they pass by it, they chant it and David slams the breaks)'' :'''David''': ENOUGH! Let’s get something straight right now! You are not my kids, okay? You are not my wife and we are not a family, all right? This is a job. We are not The Brady Bunch. I’m Marky Mark and y’all are The Funky Bunch! :'''Casey''': The what? :'''David''': I’m the boss! Ya hear me? So cut the shit! Otherwise, I will turn this RV around immediately! And we will drive straight home. No drugs for anyone! :'''Casey''': This vacation sucks. :'''David''': You… This is NOT A VACATION! ''(the "family" grabs fireworks and it flies up to the sky and explodes)'' :'''David''': There we go. You fuckin’ happy? Come on. ---- ''(Rose has agreed to go on the trip at the last moment and has walked onto the plane)'' :'''Rose''': I want $30,000 now! :'''David''': No fucking way. :'''Rose''': Okay, have a safe flight, :'''David''': Wait! Okay, fine, fine. Blood sucker. :'''Rose''': Alright, happy wife, happy life! ---- ''(Kenny has accidentally hit Casey in the face and Rose in the breast)'' :'''Rose''': What the fuck? Don’t think that you could ever… :'''David''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, family meeting. Let’s go. Get in the back, go. ''(David starts herding Kenny, Casey and Rose to the back of the plane)'' :'''Kenny''': I didn’t mean to hit her. :'''David''': I don’t care. :'''Casey''': He hit me in the fucking face, sir. :'''David''': Are you from Mars? No one wants to hear it. ''(In the plane galley)'' What the fuck? Are you kidding me with this shit?! :'''Casey''': Relax, Dorothy. Jesus, we’re not at the border yet, who cares what these people think? :'''David''': It’s about not drawing attention to ourselves, you little hobo. :'''Rose''': Hey, don’t talk to her like that! :'''David''': Rose, relax, okay? The only thing you need to worry right now is making people believe you could actually be someone’s mother, okay? :'''Rose''': Are you kidding me? I can do this shit in my sleep. ''(They hear a flight attendant coming in so Rose has grabbed all their hands to join in a prayer circle)'' Lord, we thank thee for the blessing of this family vacation. May David find his bliss and bring us all back home safely. May Kenny and Casey fortify their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devoted hearts. And may this entire airplane find safe passage and a bountiful life. Even the Jews. Amen. :'''Flight attendant''': That was a good one. That was beautiful. I wish my family was more like that. ---- :'''David Clark''': ''(on the phone, to Brad)'' Oh, hello, Brad. Where the fuck have you been? I left you like 5 messages, man! :'''Brad''': David! You’re alive! Cool! How did that happen? :'''David''': Why don’t you ask the real Pablo Chacon how it happened? :'''Brad''': I’m not gonna make excuses. It was kind of a dick move. A little bit. :'''David''': A dick move? A dick move! :'''Brad''': Little bit of a dick move. :'''David''': Okay, well, tell you what. I’m not driving another fuckin’ mile, all right? I want some goddamn hazard pay from your ass. Otherwise, I’m gonna turn around and get this smidge of pot back to Chacon, along with your fucking address. Do you understand me? :'''Brad''': It actually sounds like you’re threatening to double-cross me. :'''David''': Fucking right I am! :'''Brad''': And I’m kind of turned on right now. You make a good case for hazard pay. How much you want? :'''David''': How much? Oh, I don’t know, I’m thinking half a million dollars. How about that? :'''Brad''': Done. :'''David''': Fuckin’ right it’s done. Good. :'''Brad''': But I need it here by tonight or the deal is off. :'''David''': Okay. No problem. That’s fine with me. :'''Brad''': Where the hell are you anyway? :'''David''': We’re at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico. :'''Brad''': Why? :'''David Clark''': Why? ''Why?!'' Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that’s why! :'''Brad''': That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers? Listen, man, giddyup, okay? Tick-tock. ---- :'''Scottie P.''': What’s up, dog? :'''David''': Not much, dog, what’s up with you? :'''Scottie P.''': I’m here to pick up Casey. You know what I'm saying? :'''David''': Well, I’m awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you’re saying. ---- ''(Casey and Scottie P. are about to leave)'' :'''Rose''': Wait a second. Hold on, come here. I’d like to have a little chat with your friend. :'''Casey''': ''(visibly annoyed)'' Are you kidding me? :'''Rose''': I am not kidding you. Would you please have a seat? :'''Casey''': What is going on? :'''Rose''': So, Scottie P., what exactly do you for a living? :'''Casey''': Oh, Mom! :'''Scottie P.''': I work for P&J Amusements. I maintain the monkey maze, if you know what I’m saying. :'''David''': What the hell is a monkey maze? :'''Scottie P.''': Oh, it’s like a terrifying death trap, but for little kids. :'''David''': Hey, those are cool tats, man. :'''Scottie P.''': Oh, for real. Thank you, bro. You see the cobra? :'''David''': What's this? The one right there? :'''Scottie P.''': Oh, this? :'''David''': Uh-huh. :'''Scottie P.''': That’s my credo. “No ragrets.” ''(Pulls down shirt collar to reveal “NO RAGRETS”)'' :'''David''': Mm-hm. How about that. You have no regrets? :'''Casey''': Dad… ''(Casey flips off both David and Rose behind Scottie P.’s back with both hands)'' :'''Scottie P.''': No. Not one. :'''David''': Like, not even a single letter? :'''Scottie P.''': No way… uh huh, at least, not me. ''(laughs)'' :'''Casey''': Dad… I love him. :'''David''': I think he’s great. I think he’s real winner, Casey. If I were you, I wouldn’t use protection, have fun. Scottie P., you’re the man. ''(High-fives him)'' :'''Scottie P.''': Yeah? For real. Nice meeting you, man. Alright, you too. ''(Casey gets on Scottie P.’s motorcycle and he speeds off, narrowly missing people on the campsite)'' :'''David''': ''(To Rose)'' Come on, she’s gonna be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle, no helmet. Actually, she might already be pregnant. ---- :'''Rose''': We didn’t know if you were dead in a ditch. You couldn’t have called? :'''David''': Or some of those damn text messages you always sending out there. “hey its me casey, im not dead in the ditch lol, a little pig with a fucking smile, #YOLO”. :'''Casey''': Whoa, was that so hard to say. Thank you, appreciate that. :'''David''': Unbelievable, she learned a new word, Rose. Thank God. :'''Casey''': “I’m sorry,” he will be great. :'''David''': Oh, there he is. Kenny, oh my God, you look so much better. :'''Rose''': Yeah, doesn’t he look better? :'''David''': Yeah, he looks like a thousand bucks. Let’s go, come on. :'''Kenny''': Hey, take it easy. Would you just relax? Oh, hurt my elbow. :'''Rose''': Are you okay? :'''Kenny''': I think so. :'''Rose''': David, look what’s happened to you, when you running around like a crazy person. :'''David''': What are you talking about? He’s fine, come on. Come on, Ken doll, hop hop, buddy. Here we go, here we go. :'''Rose''': What the hell is wrong with you? :'''David''': What’s wrong with me? Look, this job has a deadline and in four fucking hours, alright? And if you're thinking I'm gonna lose half a million dollars pay day ''(Rose and Casey's eyes widen)'' because of one of Kenny’s boo-boos, then you're out of your Goddamned mind! :'''Rose''': Whoa, wait a second. You’re making ''half a million dollars'' on this deal? :'''David''': Uh…roughly. :'''Rose''': I cannot believe you! :'''David''': Rose, listen to me, I can explain it. :'''Rose''': You are making ''$500,000'' and you were only gonna pay me ''30''?! :'''Casey''': You’re getting ''30 grand''?! I’m getting a ''thousand''! :'''Kenny''': Wait, you guys are getting paid? ---- :'''Rose''': ''(Scottie P. is trying to make out with Casey, who is resisting)'' Hey! Get your hands off of her! Come here, Casey. Now, you put your hands on her one more time, I swear I’m gonna rip that fucking tattoo right off of your chest. ''(Scottie P. mocks Rose)'' :'''Rose''': You know what I’m saying? :'''Scottie P.''': Oh, really, bitch? :'''Rose''': Yeah, bitch. :'''Kenny''': You know what? Why don’t you leave the girls alone, man. :'''Scottie P.''': What are you gonna do about it, Eyebrows? :'''Kenny''': One… two… ''(Rose punches Scottie P. in the face)'' :'''Scottie P.''': OW! Broke my nose! You’re an aggressive woman! You know what I’m saying? ''(He runs away with a bloody nose)'' :'''Rose''': ''(to Casey)'' Are you okay? :'''Casey''': I’m fine. That was awesome, you just fucking decked him! :'''Rose''': Yeah, well, I’ve dealt with handsy assholes like him at work. Come on, let’s just get out of here. Thanks for the backup. Kenny, what were you counting? If you’re gonna punch somebody, you punch ‘em on “one”. :'''Kenny''': Well, David told me to count… ''(Casey groans)'' :'''Rose''': David? David hasn’t punched anybody, ever. I think the exit is this way. :'''David''': I have returned. :'''Casey''': Go fuck yourself. :'''David''': This is what I miss, right? The ping pong action. The repartée. Casey says, “Go fuck yourself,” then you go fuck yourself, and then Rose, you say, “you go fuck yourself,” then Kenny’s like, “I don’t wanna fuck anybody.” :'''Rose''': We’re not getting in the RV. :'''David''': What? Okay, okay. I know what this is about, and I get it. We’re gonna split the $500,000 evenly, betwixt the four of us. You guys get what I’m saying here? Kenny, you wanna be like this. That’s a lot of video games, kiddo. Casey, you can buy a house, run away from it, you know what I mean? Like, whatever. You get $125,000, You get $125,000, you get a… you know, I’m like fucking Oprah here. You know, like if she was a white dude at a carnival. Okay, look, what do you want? You want me to beg? Kids, what do you think? ---- :'''Melissa Fitzgerald''': You’re drug dealers? :'''Kenny Rossmore''': No, we’re drug smugglers. ==Cast== * [[Jennifer Aniston]] as Sarah "Rose" O'Reilly Miller * [[w:Jason Sudeikis|Jason Sudeikis]] as David Clark Miller * [[Emma Roberts]] as Casey Mathis Miller * [[w:Will Poulter|Will Poulter]] as Kenny Rossmore Miller * [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] as Brad Gurdlinger * [[w:Nick Offerman|Nick Offerman]] as Don Fitzgerald * [[w:Kathryn Hahn|Kathryn Hahn]] as Edie Fitzgerald * [[w:Molly Quinn|Molly Quinn]] as Melissa Fitzgerald * [[w:Ken Marino|Ken Marino]] as Todd * [[w:Tomer Sisley|Tomer Sisley]] as the real Pablo Chacon * [[w:Thomas Lennon|Thomas Lennon]] as Rick Nathanson * [[w:Matthew Willig|Matthew Willig]] as One-Eye * [[w:Mark L. Young|Mark L. Young]] as Scottie P. * [[w:Luis Guzmán|Luis Guzmán]] as Mexican cop * [[w:Karuna Sun|Karuna Sun]] as Stripper/Pole Dancer * [[w:Scott Adsit|Scott Adsit]] as the doctor ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=1723121}} [[Category:2013 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Criminal comedy films]] [[Category:Films set in Mexico]] [[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Films set in Colorado]] [[Category:Films about drugs]] [[Category:Road comedy films]] n4hkuyvvkpk6c9yivcjyf2cqw3uk7z0 0 148472 3955067 3945804 2026-06-21T14:52:28Z ~2026-31709-98 3331304 /* Cast */ 3955067 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic_title}} [[File:Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 logo.svg|thumb|Something big was leftover]] '''''{{w|Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2}}''''' in 108 minutes release is a 2013 American 3D [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:comic science fiction|comic science fiction film]] produced by [[w:Sony Pictures Animation|Sony Pictures Animation]] and distributed by [[w:Columbia Pictures|Columbia Pictures]]. The film is the sequel to the [[Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (film)|2009 classic film]], which was loosely based on [[w:Judi Barrett|Judi]] and [[w:Ron Barrett|Ron Barrett]]'s [[w:Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs|book of the same name]]. :''Directed by [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] & [[w:Kris Pearn|Kris Pearn]]. The screenplay was written by [[w:John Francis Daley|John Francis Daley]], [[w:Jonathan Goldstein (filmmaker)|Jonathan Goldstein]] and Erica Rivinoja based on an original idea.'' {{center|'''Something big was leftover''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} ==Flint== * My name is Flint Lockwood. My whole life I always wanted to be a great inventor. Just like my hero. It was like Chester V was speaking directly to me using the language of science. Just like Chester V, my dream was to make the world a better place. Unfortunately, a lot of people didn't believe in me. But I never gave up. I did not realize mistake until… too late! I’ve accidentally created Hair Eater! And eventually, I invented this: A machine that could turn water into food! Because of my invention's food weather, I finally made the world a better place. Or so I thought. When the weather evolved into a disaster of epic portions, and the machine started creating dangerous living food, I had to face the truth: It was time to put an end to my FLDSMDFR. By destroying my greatest invention, I made something even better… Friends! * The Celebrationator! A party in a box for any occasion. * Mom gave me this lab coat because, she always dreamed I do great things. * The FLDSMDFR survived the explosion, and it's still operating! * When we land at Swallow Falls, our first objective is to get to my lab. I can use my old computer to pinpoint the FLDSMDFR's location. Once we find it, we can shut it down with the utterly irreplaceable BS-USB. ''('''Brent:''' What if you don't find it?)'' I have to. It's ''my'' machine. If the world gets destroyed by these, it's my fault. ''[holds up a drawing of a cheespider]'' I can't let that happen. * ''[upon seeing the food animals]'' Wow, I can't believe the FLDSMDFR created all of this. * There's a leek in the boat! ''[camera pans down to an actual leek who starts screaming in panic]'' * My computer's dead! ''('''Chester V:''' The fate of the world is depending on us! Think, Lockwood.)'' * ''[to Chester]'' They're my wedgie-proof underpants. I, uh… I invented them when I was 6. ''('''Chester V:''' I had no idea we were so alike. Except I invited mine… when I was 3!)'' * Sam was right. This is a mistake. * ''[after Chester V reveals his true colors]'' You… lied to me. ''('''Chester V:''' Of course I lied to you. I knew you would eventually fall for these pathetic creatures.)'' But… But you were my idol. My whole life, I looked up to you. I wanted to ''BE'' you! ''('''Chester V:''' Oh, Lockwood, I was just using you to get your invention.)'' * Everything I touch just gets ruined. * ''[giving his speech to all the foodimals with Berry translating]'' Okay, I don't know if you can understand me. I know you think I'm N-woo. But the truth is… I'm no N-woo, I'm just a man. A man who's made a lot of mistakes in the last couple of days. And now my friends are in a lot of trouble, thanks to me. Someone once told me that I didn't need friends. That I could accomplish more by myself. I know now more than ever that he was wrong. We need all the friends we can get. And I need your help. All of you. Fruits, vegetables and meat! I need you to help me to get into that factory, save our friends, and get our home back! * Dad, let's go fishing. * ''[to Chester V after revealing his plan]'' I never should have believed in you! ''('''Chester V:''' Yes, that was quite foolish.)'' ==Sam== * Flint, everyone gets humiliated on national television. It's not that big of a deal. * For what it's worth, the people who really care about you think you look great in your lab coat. * That is the biggest strawberry I've ever seen in my life! * ''[to Flint and Chester]'' You guys have been wearing the same underwear since you were kids? * Watermelophants! ''[Flint screams]'' * ''[translating the Chinese proverb in English to Flint]'' "A bully turned friend will be friend to the end." * ''[taming the Cheespider]'' It's okay, guys. See? She's not mean. She's just a little beefy. * Oh, crap balls. * It's over, Chester. * Come on, Bring it on in, Barb! ==Tim== * Why am I talking to a pickle? * ''[as a leek hits on him in the head]'' There's a leek in my boat! ==Steve== * CELEBRATE! * ''[being chucked into a teleporter]'' AFRAID! * ''[spasming after the food animals chuck him back out of said teleporter]'' BANANA! BANANA! ''[attacks Flint]'' * Spooky. * ''[non-deleted scene version]'' '''''AAAAAAHH!!''''' ==Manny== * ''[repeating line]'' Tacodile Supreme! * My old van. * ''[after Flint smacks a bowl of his stew out of Brent's hands; hurt]'' He rejected my stew. No one has ''ever'' rejected my stew. ==Earl== * ''[as a tear rolls down his cheek]'' It's enough to make a grown man cry. ** But not this man. Get back in there, tear. ''[sucks the tear back into his eye]'' ** And that's okay. You go right ahead, tear. * Coffee?! I'm not a barista! ''[rips his uniform into his police uniform]'' I'm a police-sta! ''[growing his beard and puts on his cap]'' Let's ride! * ''[to Flint]'' Wait your turn, fancy pants! ''[happier]'' Flint Lockwood and Sam Sparks! ''[hugs them]'' And Steve, too! ''[kisses him]'' * Look. There's my angel son Cal's old preschool. * Sam, don't do it! It's foodicide! ==Chester V== * ''[repeating line]'' Can your ideas change the world? * Greetings, friends. And namasté. * The United Nations has asked me and my Thinkquanauts to assist in the cleanup and containment of the leftovers all over the world. Including your Swallow Falls. * Our newest Live Corp think is... Flint... ''['''Flint:''' YEAH!]'' ...ly McCallahan! ''['''Flint:''' No!]'' * We can't let these "friends" tell the world anything. * ''[telling Flint to remember the ancient Chinese proverb in English]'' "Stew offered by a bully is poisoned broth." * We don't have more time. If we don't get the FLDSMDFR in the next 48 hours, we'll miss our deadline to release Food Bar 8.0! I'll be a laughing stock! * I learned that your FLDSMDFR food was ''far'' more delicious than "food" food. So using your foodimals as ingredients would make my products super delicious! I had to have your invention, unfortunately I couldn't find it. Until, you ''helped'' me. * This is why I work ''alone''. '''''MONKEY!''''' You are dismissed. * I'm not alone. I've got holograms! * ''[calling out to Barb to rescue him]'' Save me, monkey! * ''[last words]'' My holograms! Save me! ''[his holograms form into a net to save him from the Food Bar machine]'' You see, Flint? With my holograms… ''[as soon as his holograms touch him, however, they disappear]'' Oh, fudge. ''[ducks into his vest which bounces off the Food Bar machine like a pinball until he's finally launched towards the exit]'' I saved myself! ''[just before he could go through the exit, however, the Cheespider grabs him with her cheese tongue and eats him... alive, killing him]'' ==Barb== * ''[to Steve]'' Monkey… * I'M AN APE!!! == Taglines== * Something big was leftover. * Fast food. * Move your buns! * Dill with it. * Back for seconds. == Dialogue == :'''Flintly McCallahan''': ''[running up onto the stage, taking off his lab coat]'' This is the greatest day of my life! ''[puts on his thinkquanaut vest]'' Didgeridoo, I'm finally a real inventor! :'''Flint''': ''[sits back down in his seat, upset that he didn't win]'' Sorry, Steve. No reason to celebrate. :'''Steve''': CELEBRATE! :'''Flint''': Wait, Steve, no, no, no! ''[Steve presses the button of the Celebrationator; panicked]'' NO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sam''': Flint, everyone gets humiliated on nation television. It's not that big a deal. :'''Flint''': Yeah, but, not everyone gets humiliated in front of their childhood hero. I'll never be a real inventor in Chester's eyes. Mom gave me this lab coat because she always dreamed I do great things. Now I guess I won't. :'''Tim''': Now that's a big bucket of chum. :'''Sam''': Flint, you don't need Chester's approval. You can still make the world a better place without an orange vest. :'''Tim''': I don't get vests. Is it winter on your torso and summer on your arms? :'''Sam''': For what it's worth, the people who really care about you think you look great in your lab coat. Goodnight, Mr. Lockwood. :'''Tim''': Goodnight, my dear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flint''': What is that thing? :'''Steve''': Cheesy. :'''Chester''': It appears to be a living cheeseburger with french fry legs and sesame seed eyes. :'''Flint''': Living food? Oh, no. This could only mean one thing. The FLDSMDFR survived the explosion, and it's still operating! :'''Chester''': This is what worries me most. They're trying to learn to swim. ''[Flint spits out his coffee]'' If they succeed and get to the mainland, they will destroy monuments all around the world, including the one monument your food storm didn't destroy. :'''Flint''': Not Lady Liberty! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flint and his friends arrive at Swallow Falls, looking around, seeing that's been turned into a tropical jungle.]'' :'''Flint''': Look what's happened to our town. :'''Earl''': Look! There's my angel son, Cal's old preschool. :'''Manny''': ''[gasps]'' My old van. :'''Brent''': ''[gasps and points at something]'' Look! That old thing that I've never seen before! :''[They see the Live Corp bunker, damaged and covered in a cheesy spiderweb.]'' :'''Flint''': That's where the Thinkquanauts were attacked by a cheespider. :'''Brent''': It's like a cheesy spider web, made of cheese! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam is holding a big living strawberry in her hands.]'' :'''Flint''': Sam! Don't touch it! Put it down! Put it DOWN. :'''Sam''': Look at him. :'''Flint''': '''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!''' :'''Sam''': Seriously? Aww. I think I'll name him... Barry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrimpanze''': ''[snatches Steve's though device]'' Shrimpanze! :'''Steve''': ''[snatches it back]'' Steve! :'''Shrimpanze''': ''[snatches Steve's though device again]'' Shrimpanze! :'''Steve''': ''[snatches it back]'' Steve! :'''Shrimpanze''': ''[snatches Steve's though device once more]'' Shrimpanze! :'''Steve''': ''[rips it out of the shrimpanze's grasp then pushes said shrimpanze overboard]'' Shove. ''[dancing]'' STEVE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brent''': ''[squeezes into Flint's smaller clothes]'' Thanks for lending me these skinny jeans, Flint. :'''Earl''': Those aren't skinny jeans. :'''Manny''': Nope. :'''Brent''': My feet are turning purple. Is that bad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flint''': ''[shocked to see his house turned into a tree]'' Oh, my gosh. My house! :'''Steve''': Home, home, home! :''[They head to the backyard and see Flint's lab hanging upside-down]'' :'''Sam''': Oh, my gosh. Your lab! :'''Flint''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh, crap balls. :'''Earl''': We can't go up there, Flint Lockwood. That dangly, upsy-downsy lab's not to code. :'''Flint''': I've got to, if I'm gonna find the FLDSMDFR. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brent''': ''[eating soup made by Manny]'' Dr. Manny, this is delicious! :'''Manny''': I call it "Manny's Gorilla Stew". :'''Brent''': So how do you make a gorilla stew? :'''Manny''': You keep it waiting for 2 hours. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flint and the gang are walking in the Breakfast Bog, getting close to the FLDSMDFR.]'' :'''Flint''': Almost there. The FLDSMDFR should be across this syrup bog. :'''Brent''': ''[awed]'' This is syrup? Syrup is my favorite. ''[smacks a mosquitoast]'' Darn mosquitoasts! :'''Chester''': Don’t worry, man baby. They, like all the other abominable food monsters, will soon be no more. :'''Sam''': Wait, Flint! What if we’re making... a big mistake? :'''Flint''': Mistake? :'''Sam''': About shutting off the FLDSMDFR. Some of these creatures... They’re incredible! :'''Chester''': Incredibly dangerous! We were just attacked by a giant Tacodile! :'''Flint''': He’s right, Sam. I mean, we were almost eaten by a Cheespider. :'''Sam''': It doesn’t mean we have to destroy all of them. Some of the food’s actually been... friendly. :'''Manny''': It is true. The dessert creatures are especially sweet. :'''Flint''': Okay. Maybe we– ''[Barb smacks him]'' Ow! (Why'd you do that for?!) :'''Barb''': Mosquitoast... was gonna bite you. :'''Chester''': See? Even the tiniest creatures are attacking us. :'''Sam''': The only reason they're biting is because of the drop of barometric pressure. Bugs do that before a storm. ''[refers to the storm clouds]'' And by the look of those nimbostratus clouds– :'''Chester''': Miss Sparks, we are not talking about the weather. ''[hits Flint in the tracking helmet]'' We are talking about food here. Dangerous food that does not have human emotion. :'''Flint''': ''[A mosquitoast landed on his nose and Barb flicks it out]'' Ow! :'''Chester''': ''Food'' that is not friendly! ''[slaps Flint in the face and holds his helmet]'' '''FOOD THAT CANNOT LOVE!!''' ''[slaps Flint's again and pinched his lips]'' :'''Sam''': Flint, we should be studying the food animals, not killing them. What if he's wrong? :''[beat]'' :'''Chester''': ''[to Flint]'' The choice is yours, son - live up to your full potential or walk away and let the food monsters destroy Lady Liberty. :'''Flint''': Sam, finding that FLDSMDFR and saving the world... That's what matters. :'''Sam''': ''[shocked and hurt]'' Really? Our opinion doesn't matter? :'''Flint''': Of course it does! Yes! Yes, it matters, but... just... just not right now. :'''Brent''': Uh, oh! :'''Earl''': Wrong answer! :'''Steve''': Toast! :'''Sam''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah!? ''[takes the drawn vest sticky note off the drawing of Sparkswood]'' Well, I guess this doesn't matter, either, young Lockwood. (Does it?!) ''[pins the sticky note on Flint’s shirt]'' I'll just... see you back on the boat. ''[drops the drawing on the syrup and storms off... well, sort of]'' :'''Flint''': (Oh, man.) Wait, Sam! Wait, please! No! No. Sam, come back! Come back, Sam, no! No, Sam, Sam, Sam! Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam…!! (Oh, boy.) Hey, Earl, would you talk to her? :'''Earl''': ''[sternly]'' You bet I will. (You go ahead without us.) Hey, Sam, wait for me! ''[follows Sam]'' :'''Manny''': Adios, sayonara. Goodbye, Señor Lockwood. ''[leaves]'' :'''Brent''': ''[sadly]'' Bye, Flint. ''[leaves as well]'' :'''Steve''': Steve! ''[hops onto Manny]'' :'''Flint''': Et tu, Steve? ''[his friends leave him on his own with Chester]'' What just happened? ''[picks up the drawing from the syrup]'' :'''Chester''': You have made the right choice, son. (Now let's go find your machine.) ''[to his sentinels]'' Sentinels, keep them... safe. ''[grins evilly as he walks off with Flint and Barb while the sentinels march after the gang]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sam:''' I can’t believe Flint is still listening to that guy! :'''Manny:''' Flint is naive. It appears he is being manipulated for some nefarious purpose. :'''Sam:''' ''[frustrated]'' Of course he is! :'''Earl''': ''[quietly]'' Sam, freeze! :'''Sam''': What? :'''Earl''': Stay calm and toward me slowly. :'''Brent''': Very slowly. :'''Sam''': ''[annoyed as the cheespider creeps up behind her]'' Oh, come on. Now ''you're'' acting weird. I'm in no mood for this. :''[The cheespider roars, and Sam turns around and screams in terror]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After they encounter the cheespider...]'' :'''Brent''': What's it doing? :'''Sam''': I think she wants you to scratch her buns. :'''Brent''': I like that, too. ''[scratches the cheespider's bun]'' Who's a good cheespider? She's cute! :'''Earl''': But why did she attack us before? :'''Sam''': 'Cause we were dressed like ''them. [points up to the cheespider's cheese-web]'' :'''Brent''': ''[confused]'' She doesn't like backpacks? :'''Manny''': No. It appears she doesn't like Live Corp. The food creatures know something we do not. ''[flips the Live Corp logo on his camera, revealing the word "Live" spelled backwards]'' :''[Earl, Sam, Steve, and the cheespider all gasp in shock.]'' :'''Brent''': Who's Evel? :'''Manny''': Not "evel", ''evil''. :'''Sam''': I knew it! Chester's up to something terrible! We gotta warn Flint. :'''Earl''': Let's ride! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flint''': The BS-USB... reprogrammed it!? :'''Chester''': It was never gonna turn off the machine. A BS-USB? Hello! Your machine is what I wanted all along. (Uh-duh!) :'''Flint''': You... lied to me. :'''Chester''': Of course I lied to you. I knew you'd eventually fall for these pathetic creatures. :'''Flint''': ''[heartbroken and betrayed]'' But… but you were my idol. My whole life, I looked up to you. I wanted to be you! (How could you do this?!) :'''Chester''': Oh, Lockwood. I was just using you to get your invention. ''[to his workers]'' We're ready. Launch Operation Slice and Dice. ''[laughs evilly as the helicopter takes away the FLDSMDFR and the plant wilted; the marshmallows all look terrified]'' And now that I've got what I want, I no longer need you. I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go. ''[pushes Flint]'' :'''Flint''': Wait, wait, wait. No, no, please. ''[screams]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brent''': Okay, Steve. If me and you put our two brilliant minds together, we will get out of here. :'''Steve''': Steve? :'''Earl''': Brent, do you ever get the feeling that maybe Steve Lockwood is just a monkey? :'''Brent''': ''[covers Steve's ears]'' Why would you say that about him, Earl? Why would you ever say that?! :'''Barb''': Of course he's just a monkey. How stupid are you people? No one should ever put any trust in a monkey. :'''Sam''': Chester thinks you're a monkey. :'''Barb''': Well, I'm an ape. Chester knows that. :'''Sam''': But he calls you a monkey. :'''Brent''': Ohh…! :'''Manny''': It is true, he does. :'''Barb''': He's just joking around. (Right? I mean…) Chester's my best friend. (Is he?) :'''Sam''': If Chester was really your friend, would he still call you a monkey? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tim''': Look, Flint. They came here to help, we all did. It's time to let us. ''[cut to a leaf of lettuce]'' :'''Flint''': ''[gives a speech to the foodimals]'' Okay, I don't know if you can understand me. ''[Meanwhile, Barry comes up to the foodimals, too. He starts to copy Flint's speech]'' I know you think I'm N-woo. But the truth is I'm no N-woo, I'm just a man. A man who's made a lot of mistakes in the last couple of days. And now my friends are in a lot of trouble, thanks to me. Someone once told me that I didn't need friends. That I could accomplish more by myself. I know now more than ever that he was wrong. We need all the friends we can get. And I need your help. All of you. Fruits, vegetables, and meats! I need you to help me to get into that factory, save our friends, and get our home back! :''[The foodimals start cheering.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Earl''': Anybody gonna be keeping folks safe in this town? It's me. :'''Brent''': Uh-oh. :'''Manny''': Tacodile, supreme! :''[Flint, his friends, and all the foodimals surround Chester in a circle, trapping him]'' :'''Sam''': ''[sternly]'' It's over, Chester. :'''Steve''': Mustache. :'''Flint''': Now hand over the FLDSMDFR. :'''Chester''': NO! Never! :'''Flint''': Chester, there's nowhere to go. :'''Chester''': That's what you think. ''[to Barb]'' Save me, monkey! :'''Barb''': ''[fed up]'' I'M AN APE!!! ''[snatches Flint's FLDSMDFR out of Chester's hands]'' :'''Chester''': Bad monkey! Give that back! Bad monk... Whooaa! ''[begins to fall as the others watch; his holograms look from above]'' My holograms! Save me! ''[his holograms form into a net to save him from the Food Bar machine]'' You see, Flint? With my holograms… ''[as soon as his holograms touch him, however, they disappear and Chester falls thru]'' Oh, fudge. ''[tucks into his vest which ricochets off the Food Bar machine like a pinball until he's finally launched towards the exit; last words]'' I saved myself! ''[just before he could go thru the exit to the rocket, however, the Cheespider grabs him with her cheese tongue and eats him... alive, killing him]'' :''[Brent groans in disgust]'' :'''Manny''': That will leave a bad taste in your mouth. :'''Barb''': ''[clears throat]'' I think this belongs to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Earl''': Flint Lockwood, you are a fisherman. :'''Steve''': Happy. :'''Brent''': ''[laughs]'' Hey, look, rainbows! <hr width="50%"/> :''[very last scene]'' :'''Barb''': Hi, Steve. Hello, Steven. I'm Barb. So do you wanna go get coffee sometime? :'''Steve''': Dinner! :'''Barb''': ''[grabs Steve]'' Even better! ''[laughs]'' ==Cast== * '''{{w|Bill Hader}}''' - Flint Lockwood ** '''{{w|Bridget Hoffman}}''' (young) *** '''Max Neuwirth''' (previously) * '''{{w|Anna Faris}}''' - Sam Sparks * '''[[Andy Samberg]]''' - "Chicken" Brent McHale * '''{{w|Benjamin Bratt}}''' - Manny * '''[[Neil Patrick Harris]]''' - Steve * '''{{w|Terry Crews}}''' - Earl Devereaux ** '''[[Mr. T]]''' (previously) ===Antagonist=== * '''{{w|Will Forte}}''' - Chester V ===Supporting=== * '''{{w|James Caan}}''' - Tim Lockwood * '''{{w|Kristen Schaal}}''' - Barb * '''{{w|Cody Cameron}}''' - Barry and the Dill Pickles ===Recurring=== * '''{{w|Khamani Griffin}}''' - Cal Devereaux ** '''{{w|Bobb'e J. Thompson}}''' (previously) * '''{{w|Al Roker}}''' - Patrick Patrickson * '''[[w:Melissa Sturm|Melissa Sturm]]''' - Sentinel Louise and Live Corp Scientist * '''[[w:Craig Kellman|Craig Kellman]]''' - Flintly McCallahan and Idea Pants Guy * '''[[w:Kris Pearn|Kris Pearn]]''' - Shrimpanzees ==See also== * [[Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (film)]] ** [[w:Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (TV series)|Cloudy: The Series]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=1985966|title=Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2}} {{Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (franchise)]] [[Category:2013 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2013 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated films set in San Francisco]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Films directed by Cody Cameron]] [[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about legendary creatures]] [[Category:Films about food and drink]] tlpvlm4htpa5qfnapoz56ok1j1ve0bi 0 150224 3955058 3952001 2026-06-21T12:38:08Z ~2026-34659-04 3340950 /* Dialogue */ 3955058 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Princess Garden, Festival of Fantasy Parade (15985885363).jpg|242px|thumb|[[Love]] will thaw... Love. Of course! Love! —Elsa from the film]] '''''[[w:Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]''''' is a 2013 American animated [[w:musical film|musical]] children's {{w|fantasy film}} produced by {{w|Walt Disney Animation Studios}} and released by {{w|Walt Disney Pictures}}. It is inspired by [[Hans Christian Andersen]]'s 1944 fairy tale "{{w|The Snow Queen}}". It tells the story of an optimistic princess named [[w:Anna (Disney)|Anna]] (voiced by [[w:Kristen Bell|Kristen Bell]]), who sets off on a journey alongside a rugged [[w:iceman (occupation)|iceman]] named [[w:Kristoff (Disney)|Kristoff]] (voiced by [[w:Jonathan Groff|Jonathan Groff]]), his loyal {{w|reindeer}} Sven, and a naive {{w|snowman}} named [[w:Olaf (Disney)|Olaf]] (voiced by [[w:Josh Gad|Josh Gad]]) to find her estranged sister [[w:Elsa (Disney)|Elsa]] (voiced by [[w:Idina Menzel|Idina Menzel]]), whose [[w:cryokinesis|icy powers]] have inadvertently trapped their kingdom in eternal winter. It stars the voices of [[Kristen Bell]], {{w|Idina Menzel}}, {{w|Jonathan Groff}}, and {{w|Josh Gad}}. It continues with two theatrical short films released with ''[[Cinderella (2015 film)|Cinderella]]'' and ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'', ''LEGO Frozen'' film series, two short films on [[w:Disney+|Disney+]] and a 2019 [[Frozen II|sequel]]. :''Directed by [[Chris Buck]] and [[Jennifer Lee (filmmaker)|Jennifer Lee]]. Written by Jennifer Lee.'' == [[w:Anna (Disney)|Anna]] == * This is amazing * ''[Walking in the freezing snow in her gown; Disappointed]'' Snow. It ''had'' to be snow! She couldn't have had ''tropical'' magic that covered the f-fjords in white sand and warm... ''[Sees smoke; happily]'' Fire! * Look I know how to stop this winter. * It is not nice to throw people! * You won't get away with this. * See, I knew you could do it. == [[w:Elsa (Disney)|Elsa]] == === ''[[w:Let It Go (Disney song)|Let It Go]]'' === :<small>Written by [[w:Kristen Anderson-Lopez|Kristen Anderson-Lopez]] and [[w:Robert Lopez|Robert Lopez]] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk Film clip (Idina Menzel version)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU Sing-along-version] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHue-HaXXzg Demi Lovato version]</small> * ''The [[snow]] glows white on the [[mountain]] tonight <br />Not a footprint to be seen. <br />A kingdom of isolation, <br />and it looks like I'm the Queen.'' * ''The [[wind]] is howling like this swirling [[storm]] inside <br />Couldn't keep it in — <br />[[Heaven]] [[knows]] I've tried.'' * ''Don't let them in, don't let them see<br />Be the good girl you always have to be. <br />Conceal, don't feel, don't let them [[know]] … <br />Well now they know!'' * ''It's funny how some distance <br />Makes everything seem small <br />And the fears that once controlled me <br /> Can't get to me at allǃ'' * ''It's time to see what I can do <br />To test the limits and break throughǃ <br />No right, no wrong, no rules for me, <br />I'm free!'' * ''Let it goǃ Let it go! <br />I am one with the wind and sky! <br />Let it goǃ Let it go! <br />You'll never see me cry!'' * ''Here, I stand <br /> In the light of dayǃ <br /> Let the storm rage onǃ <br /> My power flurries through the air into the ground'' ''My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around'' ''And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast'' ''I'm never going back, the past is in the past'' ''Let it go, let it go'' ''And I'll rise like the break of dawn'' ''Let it go, let it go'' ''That perfect girl is gone'' ''Here I stand in the light of day'' ''Let the storm rage on'' ''The cold never bothered me anyway!'' * * ''[While alone, Elsa stressfully attempts to control her powers, reverting her father's mantra]'' Get it together. Control it. Don't feel, don't feel, don't feel. Don't feel. ''[gasps]'' :''[Elsa's stress caused ice spikes to grow around inside her palace]'' == [[w:Olaf (Disney)|Olaf]] == * ''[sounding like he's about to cry]'' Anna? * Hi, everyone. I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs. * Knock. Just knock. Why isn't she knocking? Do you think she knows how to knock? * Stop it, Sven! I'm trying to focus here. == Dialogue == :'''Young Anna''': Elsa? ''[singing] Do you wanna build a snowman?<br />Come on, let's go and play!<br />I never see you anymore!<br />Come out the door!<br />It's like you've gone away!<br />We used to be best buddies, and now we're not.<br />I wish you would tell me why!<br />Do you wanna build a snowman?<br />It doesn't have to be a snowman.'' :'''Young Elsa''': ''[from inside her bedroom]'' Go away, Anna. :'''Young Anna''': ''[disappointed] Okay, bye!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Anna''': ''[a horse accidentally and promptly collides with her, she stumbles, and falls into a rowboat placed precariously on the edge of the dock. The boat nearly tips over but the horse places a hoof on the other end of the boat to steady it]'' Hey! :'''Hans''': I'm so sorry! Are you hurt? :'''Anna''': ''[immediately smitten smiles]'' Hey. Uh... no. No! I'm... I'm okay. :'''Hans''': Are you sure? :'''Anna''': Yeah, I...I just wasn't looking where I was going, but I'm great, actually. :'''Hans''': ''[jumps off his horse and steps onto the boat]'' Oh, thank goodness. ''[holds out his hand and helps Anna to her feet]'' Oh. Uh...Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. :'''Anna''': ''[curtsies]'' Princess Anna of Arendelle. :'''Hans''': Princess? My lady! ''[suddenly drops to his knees to bow, while his horse inadvertently lifts its foot off the boat, causing it to tip over. Hans grabs Anna before she can fall in the water]'' :'''Anna''': Wooh! :'''Hans''': Um... :''[The two look at each other awkwardly]'' :'''Anna''': Hi...again! :''[Hans's horse slams its hoof back onto the boat, tipping it back upright. Anna falls on top of Hans]'' :'''Hans''': Oh, boy! Uh... :'''Anna''': This is awkward. Not ''you're'' awkward, but just because we're...''I'm'' awkward - you're gorgeous. Wait, what? :'''Hans''': I'd like to formally apologize for hitting the Princess of Arendelle with my horse...and for every moment after. :'''Anna''': No. No, no! It's fine. I'm not ''that'' princess. I mean, if you'd hit my sister Elsa, it would be like...yeesh! 'Cause, you know... ''[pats Hans's horse's mane]'' Hello. ''[to Hans]'' But lucky you, it's...it's just me. :'''Hans''': ''[chuckles]'' Just you? :''[Anna smiles at Hans. Church bells are heard in the distance]'' :'''Anna''': The bells. The coronation! I...I...I better go! I have to go. I better go! Uh...bye! ''[rushes off. Hans's horse inadvertently lifts its hoof to wave as well, and the boat begins to tip]'' :'''Hans''': Oh no. Ahhǃ ''[falls into the water]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hans''': Can I say something crazy? Would you marry me? :'''Anna''': Can I say something even crazier? Yes! <hr width=50%> :''[Anna and Hans approach Elsa seeking for her to bless their engagement. Elsa looks surprised by the news]'' :'''Anna''': ''[to guests]'' If you allow me, we'll go around you thanks, oh there it is. Elsa? I mean queen? May I introduce you to Prince Hans of the Southern Isles? :'''Hans''': Your majesty! :'''Anna and Hans''': We would like :'''Hans''': Your blessing :'''Anna''': For… :'''Hans and Anna''': For our marriage. :'''Elsa''': Marriage? :'''Anna''': Yes! :'''Elsa''': ''[to Anna and Hans]'' Sorry I'm confused :'''Anna''': Well, we haven't worked out all the details ourselves. We'll need a few days to plan the ceremony. Of course, we'll have soup, roast, and ice cream. And then...Wait. Would we live here? :'''Elsa''': Here? :'''Hans''': Absolutely! :'''Elsa''': Anna. :'''Anna''': Oh, we could invite all twelve of your brothers to stay with us. Of course we have the room. I don’t know, some of them must... :'''Elsa''': What? No. No, no, no, no! Just wait. Slow down! No one's brothers are staying here. No one is getting married. :'''Anna''': Wait, what? :'''Elsa''': May I talk to you, please? Alone? :'''Anna''': No! Whatever you have to say, you...you can say to both of us. :'''Elsa''': Fine. You can't marry a man you just met. :'''Anna''': You can if it's true love. :'''Elsa''': Anna, what do you know about true love? :'''Anna''': More than you. All you know is how to shut people out. :'''Elsa:''' ''[looks shocked by Anna's words, but remains firm]'' You asked for my blessing, but my answer is "no". Now...excuse me. ''[starts to walk away]'' :'''Hans''': Your Majesty, if I may ease your... :'''Elsa''': No, you may not, and I...I think you should go. ''[to the guard]'' The party is over. Close the gates. :'''Guard''': Yes, your majesty. :'''Anna''': What? Elsa, no! No, wait! ''[tries to grab Elsa's wrist, but instead accidentally pulls off her glove]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[gasps; desperately]'' Give me my glove. :'''Anna''': ''[also desperate]'' Elsa, please! Please! I can't live like this anymore! :'''Elsa''': ''[pauses]'' Then leave. :''[Anna looks at her, looking close to tears. Elsa then turns to leave]'' :'''Anna''': ''[calling after her]'' What did I ever do to you? :'''Elsa''': ''[impatiently]'' Enough, Anna. :'''Anna''': No, why? Why do you shut me out? Why do you shut the world out? What are you so afraid of?! :'''Elsa''': ''[angrily]'' I said, <big>'''''ENOUGH!!'''''</big> :''[swings her hand around, shooting out a sheet of icicles across the room. Everyone, including Anna, stares at her in shocked horror]'' :'''Duke of Weaselton''': Sorcery. ''[hides behind one of his bodyguards]'' I knew there was something dubious going on here. :'''Anna''': ''[stares at Elsa in shocked horror]'' Elsa. :''[Devastated, Elsa flees the ballroom]'' <hr width=50%> :''[While Elsa is fleeing from the castle]'' :'''Duke''': There she is! Stop her! :'''Elsa''': Please, just stay away from me! Stay away! ''[shoots out her icy floor from her left hand, making the Duke and his guards slip]'' :'''Duke''': Monster. <big>'''''MONSTER!'''''</big> <hr width=50%> :'''Duke''': Oh, look, it's snowing. It's snowing! The queen has cursed this land. She must be stopped! You have to go after her. :'''Anna''': Wait, no. :'''Duke''': ''[to Anna]'' You! Is there sorcery in you, too?! Are you a monster too?! :'''Anna''': No, no. I'm completely ordinary. :'''Hans''': That's right she is, and the best way. :'''Anna''': And my sister's not a monster. :'''Duke''': She nearly killed me! :'''Hans''': ''[to Duke]'' You slipped on ice. :'''Duke''': ''Her'' ice! :'''Anna''': It was an accident! She was scared! She didn't mean it, she didn't mean any of this! Tonight was my fault. I pushed her, so I'm the one who has to go look for her now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Anna arrives at Wandering Oaken's Trading Post and Sauna.]'' :'''Oaken''': Hoo-hoo. ''[she turns to see him sat behind a counter]'' Big summer blowout. Half off swimming suits, clogs, and a sun balm of my own invention, yah? :'''Anna''': Oh, great. For now, uh...how about boots? Winter boots and dresses? :'''Oaken''': ''[points to the area which is empty except for one outfit, a pair of boots, a rope and axe]'' That would be in our winter department. :'''Anna''': ''[picks up the outfit, boots and takes it to the counter]'' Oh. Um...I was just wondering, has another young woman, the Queen perhaps, I don't know, passed through here? :'''Oaken''': Only one crazy enough to be out in this storm is you, dear. ''[Kristoff suddenly enters, all covered in snow]'' You and this fellow! Yoo-hoo! Big summer blowout! :'''Kristoff''': ''[walks to Anna and leans closer to her]'' Carrots. :'''Anna''': Huh? :'''Kristoff''': Behind you. :'''Anna''': Oh, right. Excuse me. ''[steps out of his way, Kristoff picks up the carrots and tosses them on the counter]'' :'''Oaken''': Woh, a real howler in July, yes? ''[Kristoff goes and picks up the rope and axe from the sparse winter department]'' Where ever could it be coming from? :'''Kristoff''': The North Mountain. :'''Anna''': ''[quietly]'' North Mountain. :'''Oaken''': ''[as Kristoff places the axe and rope on the counter next to the carrots]'' That'll be fourty. :'''Kristoff''': Fourty? No, ten. :'''Oaken''': Oh dear, that's no good. ''[referring to the rope and axe]'' See this is from our winter stock, where supply and demand have a big problem. :'''Kristoff''': ''[looks out the window where his sled is stocked up with blocks of ice]'' You wanna talk about a supply and demand problem? I sell ice for a living. :'''Anna''': Ooh, that's a rough business to be in right now. I mean, that is really... ''[Kristoff gives her a cold look]'' Ahem...that's unfortunate. :'''Oaken''': Still fourty. But I will throw in a visit to Oaken's sauna. ''[waving]'' Yoo-hoo! Hi, family. :'''Family''': [A man a woman and the three kids towels] Yoo-hoo! :'''Kristoff''': Ten's all I got. Help me out. :'''Oaken''': Okay. ''[puts the carrots forward on the counter]'' Ten will get you this and no more. :'''Anna''': Okay, just tell me one thing. What was happening on the North Mountain? Did it seem magical? :'''Kristoff''': ''[pulls down the scarf on his face]'' Yes. Now back up, while I deal with this crook here. :''[Oaken stands revealing his tall stature, Kristoff gulps]'' :'''Oaken''': What did you call me? :'''Kristoff''': ''[gets carried by Oaken, as he walks outside]'' Okay, okay, I'm out. Ow! ''[gets thrown out and lands in the snow]'' Whoa! :'''Oaken''': Bye-bye! ''[heads back inside]'' :''[Kristoff gets up, as Sven comes up to him]'' :'''Kristoff''': No, Sven. I didn't get your carrots. ''[Sven huffs in disappoinment]'' But I did find us a place to sleep. And it's free. :'''Oaken''': ''[to Anna]'' I'm sorry about this violence. I will add a quart of lutefisk, so we'll have good feelings. Just the outfit and boots, yah? :'''Anna''': Uh... <hr width=50%> :''[Riding on Kristoff's sled]'' :'''Kristoff''': Hang on! We like to go fast! :'''Anna''': I like fast! ''[props her feet up on the "dashboard"]'' :'''Kristoff''': Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Get your feet down. This is fresh lacquer. Seriously, were you raised in a barn? ''[spits on the spot where Anna had her feet propped up. Some of the spit gets in Anna's face]'' :'''Anna''': Ugh! No, I was raised in a castle! :'''Kristoff''': Hmmm. So, uh tell me. What made the Queen go all ice-crazy? :'''Anna''': Oh, well, it was all my fault. I got engaged, but then she freaked out because I'd only just met him, you know, that day, and she said she wouldn't bless the marriage and- :'''Kristoff''': Wait. You got engaged to someone you just met that day? :'''Anna''': Yeah. Anyway, I got mad, and so she got mad and then she tried to walk away and I grabbed her glove- :'''Kristoff''': Hang on. You mean to tell me you got engaged to someone you just met that day? :'''Anna''': Yes, pay attention! But the thing is, she wore the gloves all the time, so I just thought, "Maybe she has a thing about dirt!" :'''Kristoff''': Didn't your parents ever warn you about strangers? :'''Anna''': Yes, they did. ''[scoots slightly to the edge of the seat]'' But Hans is not a stranger! :'''Kristoff''': Oh, yeah? What's his last name? :'''Anna''': ''[scoffs]'' Of-the-Southern-Isles! :'''Kristoff''': What's his favorite food? :'''Anna''': Sandwiches. :'''Kristoff''': Best friend's name? :'''Anna''': Probably John. :'''Kristoff''': Eye color? :'''Anna''': Dreamy. :'''Kristoff''': Foot size? :'''Anna''': Foot size doesn't matter! :'''Kristoff''': Have you had a meal with him yet? What if you hate the way he eats? What if you hate the way he picks his nose? :'''Anna''': ''[disgusted]'' Picks his nose? :'''Kristoff''': And eats it. :'''Anna''': ''[annoyed]'' Excuse me, sir, he is a prince. :'''Kristoff''': All men do it. :'''Anna''': Ew! ''[scoffs]'' Look, it doesn't matter; it's true love. :'''Kristoff''': Doesn't sound like true love. :'''Anna''': Are you some sort of love expert? :'''Kristoff''': No, but I have friends who are. :'''Anna''': You have friends who are love experts? I'm not buying it. :''[Sven suddenly comes to a stop]'' :'''Kristoff''': Stop talking. :'''Anna''': No, no, no, no, no! I'd like to meet these- :'''Kristoff''': ''[covers Anna's mouth]'' No! I mean it. :'''Anna:''' Mmmph! Mmmph! :''[shoves his hand away from her mouth]'' :'''Kristoff:''' Shhh! ''[scans the area behind them with his lantern. He sees a pack of hungry wolves slowly approaching them]'' Sven, go. Go! :'''Anna''': What are they? :'''Kristoff''': Wolves! :'''Anna''': '''''Wolves?!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Olaf''': ''[his head on upside down]'' Wait, what am I looking at right now? Why are you hanging off the Earth like a bat? :'''Anna''': Alright, wait one second. ''[takes Olaf's head off and puts it on right side up]'' :'''Olaf''': Oh! Thank you. :'''Anna''': You're welcome. :'''Olaf''': Now I'm perfect! :'''Anna''': ''[smiles]'' Well, almost. :'''Olaf''': ''[to Kristoff]'' It was like my whole life got turned upside down. :'''Anna''': ''[grabs a carrot and tries to place it on Olaf's face tail first. It goes all the way through, expect for the tip]'' Oh! I'm sorry! :'''Olaf''': WHOOǃ Head rush! :'''Anna''': Are you okay? :'''Olaf''': Are you kidding me? I...am wonderful! I've always wanted a nose. It's so cute. It's like a little baby unicorn. ''[Anna pushes the carrot through Olaf's head]'' Oh, hey whoaǃ Oh, I love it even moreǃ Alright, let's start this thing over: Hi, everyone. I'm Olaf. And I like warm hugs. :'''Anna''': Olaf? ''[remembers]'' That's right! Olaf! :'''Olaf''': And you are...? :'''Anna''': Oh...I'm Anna. :'''Olaf''': ''[points to Kristoff]'' And who's the funky-looking [[w:donkey|donkey]] over there? :'''Anna''': ''[thinks Olaf is referring to Sven]'' That's Sven. :'''Olaf''': ''[points to Sven]'' Uh-huh. And who's the reindeer? :'''Anna''': ''[confused]'' Sven? :'''Olaf''': Oh, they're bo- Oh! Okay. Makes things easier for me. ''[Sven tries to bite Olaf's carrot nose]'' Whoa! Oh, look at him, trying to kiss my nose. I like you, too! :'''Anna''': Olaf. Did Elsa build you? :'''Olaf''': Yeah, why. :'''Anna''': Do you know where she is? :'''Kristoff''': Fascinating. :'''Olaf''': Yeah. Why? :'''Anna''': Do you think you can show us the way. :'''Olaf''': Yeah. Why? :'''Kristoff''': How does this work. Ow! :'''Olaf''': Stop it, Sven I'm trying to focus here. <hr width=50%> :'''Hans''': Do not question the princess. She left me in charge, and I will not hesitate to protect Arendalle from treason! :'''Duke''': T-T-Treason? :''[Anna's horse rushes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anna and Kristoff come across a rocky cliff]'' :'''Anna''': What now? :'''Kristoff''': Mm. It's too steep. I've only got one rope and you don't know how to climb mountains. :'''Anna''': Says who? :'''Kristoff''': ''[looks up to see Anna trying to climb up the rock face by herself]'' What are you doing? :'''Anna''': I'm...going....to see...my sister! :'''Kristoff''': You're gonna kill yourself. I wouldn't put my foot there. :'''Anna''': ''[her foot slips]'' You're distracting me! :'''Kristoff''': Or there. How do you know Elsa even wants to see you? :'''Anna''': Alright, I'm...I'm just blocking you out cause I've gotta concentrate here. ''[slips again]'' :'''Kristoff''': You know, most people who disappear into the mountains want to be alone. :'''Anna''': Nobody wants to be alone! Except maybe ''you''! :'''Kristoff''': I'm not alone! I have friends, remember? :'''Anna''': Ugh! You mean the love experts? :'''Kristoff''': Yes, the love experts. :'''Anna''': ''[finds a foothold for her left foot]'' Urgh! Please tell me I'm almost there! ''[the camera cuts to a wide angle to show that she's barely four feet off the ground; panting]'' Does the air seem a bit thin to you up here? :'''Kristoff''': ''[chuckles]'' Hang on. :'''Olaf''': Hey, Sven? ''[shows up]'' Not sure if this is gonna solve the problem, but I found a staircase that leads exactly where you want it to go. :'''Anna''': Ha-ha! Thank goodness! Catch! ''[jumps off and Kristoff catches her]'' Thanks! That was like a crazy trust exercise. <hr width=50%> :''[Anna steps up to the front doors of the ice palace]'' :'''Olaf''': Knock. Just knock. Why isn't she knocking? ''[to Kristoff]'' Do you think she doesn't know how to knock? :'''Anna''': ''[taps her fist on the door three times. The doors slowly open inwards]'' Ha! It opened! That's a first. ''[to Kristoff and Olaf]'' Oh, you should probably wait out here. :'''Kristoff''': What?! :'''Anna''': The last time I introduced her to a guy, she froze everything... :'''Kristoff''': But-But-Oh, come on! It's a palace made of ''ice''! Ice is ''my life''! :'''Olaf''': Bye, Sven! ''[starts to enter]'' :'''Anna''': ''[grabs Olaf by the arm]'' You too, Olaf. :'''Olaf''': What, me? :'''Anna''': Just give us a minute. :''[Kristoff sits on the top step, looking pretty dejected]'' :'''Olaf''': Okay. ''[starts counting]'' 1, 2, 3. :'''Both''': 4. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anna steps inside Elsa's ice castle. The doors shut behind her. She stares at her surroundings with a look of incredulity]'' :'''Anna''': Whoa. Elsa? It's me, Anna! Whoa! ''[slips, but stops herself from falling]'' :'''Elsa''': Anna? ''[appears at the top of the entry staircase, smiling warmly]'' :'''Anna''': ''[gazing at Elsa's ice dress]'' Whoa, Elsa, you look...different! It's a ''good'' different! And this place, it's-it's amazing! :'''Elsa''': Thank you. I never knew what I was capable of. :'''Anna''': ''[starts up the staircase]'' I'm so sorry about what happened. If I'd have known- :'''Elsa''': ''[backing away]'' No-no-no, it's okay. You-You don't have to apologize, but you should probably go. Please. :'''Anna''': But I just got here. :'''Elsa''': You belong down in Arendelle. :'''Anna''': So do you! :'''Elsa''': No, Anna, I belong ''here'', alone. Where I can be who I am...without hurting anybody. :'''Anna''': ''[grimaces]'' Actually, about that- :'''Olaf''': ''[off-screen]'' 58, 59, 60! :'''Elsa''': Wait. What is that? :'''Olaf''': ''[enters and runs across the entry foyer to stand next to Anna]'' Hi! I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs! :'''Elsa''': ''[surprised]'' Olaf? :'''Olaf''': You built me! Remember that? :'''Elsa''': And you're alive? :'''Olaf''': Yeah, um...I think so? :''[Elsa takes a secondary look at her hands]'' :'''Anna''': ''[kneels down beside Olaf]'' He's just like the one we built as children. :'''Elsa''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah. :'''Anna''': Oh, Elsa, we were so close. We can be like that again. :''[Elsa smiles, but suddenly the memory of her accidentally hurting Anna when she was 7 years old comes flashing back to her; she turns away]'' :'''Elsa''': No, we can't. Goodbye, Anna. ''[heads upstairs]'' :'''Anna:''' Elsa, wait! :'''Elsa:''' I'm just trying to protect you! :'''Anna:''' You don't have to protect me! I'm not afraid! <hr width=50%> :''[Elsa loses control of her powers; some of her magic hits Anna in the chest, and she clutches to her knees in agony. Elsa notices and gasps]'' :'''Kristoff''': Anna! Are you okay? :'''Anna''': ''[feeble]'' I'm okay...I'm fine. :'''Elsa''': Who's this? Wait, it doesn't matter. You have to go. :'''Anna''': No, I know we can figure this out, ''together!'' :'''Elsa''': How? What power do you have to stop this winter? To stop ''me?'' :'''Kristoff''': ''[as he notices ominous shadows starting to appear on the walls]'' Anna, I think we should go. :'''Anna''': No! I'm not leaving without you, Elsa! :'''Elsa''': ''[worried but firmly]'' Yes, you are. :''[She fires a blast of magic, creating Marshmallow]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Anna and Kristoff survive falling off a cliff to avoid Marshmallow]'' :'''Anna''': Hey, you were right. Just like a pillow. ''[giggles and sees Olaf panting]'' Olaf! :'''Olaf''': ''[shaking Kristoff's boots]'' I can't feel my legs! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! :'''Kristoff''': ''[pops from beneath the snow, coughing]'' Those are ''my'' legs. :'''Olaf''': ''[as his lower body runs by]'' Oh. Hey, do me a favor, grab my butt. ''[Kristoff grabs Olaf's lower body and puts the rest of him on top]'' Oh, that feels better. ''[Sven comes up to them and sniffs Olaf]'' Hey, Sven! ''[as Sven tries to bite off his nose]'' He found us. ''[hugs Sven's face and talks to him in a funny voice]'' Who's my cute little reindeer? :'''Kristoff''': ''[as he pushes Olaf away from Sven]'' Don't talk to him like that. :''[Olaf laughs off]'' :''[scene cuts back to the ice palace where the shadows on the walls are even more ominous and Elsa, While alone, Elsa stressfully attempts to control her powers, reverting her father's mantra]'' Get it together. Control it. Don't feel, don't feel, don't feel. Don't feel. ''[gasps]'' :''[Elsa's stress caused ice spikes to appear around inside the palace on the top level]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Kristoff leads the gang to a large pile of what seems to be rocks]'' :'''Kristoff''': Meet my family. ''[he and Sven walks toward the rocks]'' Hey, guys! :'''Anna''': ''[stunned]'' They're...rocks. :'''Kristoff''': ''[off in the distance]'' You are a sight for sore eyes. :'''Olaf''': ''[also stunned, whispers to Anna]'' He's ''crazy.'' :'''Kristoff''': Hey, whoa, I didn't recognize you; you've lost so much weight. :'''Olaf''': ''[whispers]'' I'll distract him while you run. ''[loud, slow voice to the rocks]'' Hi, Sven's family! It's nice to meet you. ''[whispers to Anna]'' Because I love you, Anna, I insist you run. ''[to the rocks again]'' I understand you're love experts. Ooh! ''[whispers to Anna]'' Why aren't you running?! :'''Anna''': Uh...okay, well, I'm gonna go. :'''Olaf''': Go. :'''Kristoff''': No, no, Anna, wait. <hr width=50%> :'''Soldier 1''': This way, this way! :'''Soldier 2''': Whoa! :'''Hans''': ''[to Elsa]'' Queen Elsa! Don't be the monster they fear you are! :''[panting, hearing the truth in Hans' words and realizing what would happen if she committed that behavior back in Arendelle, Elsa immediately stops her assault on the Duke's henchmen. The men pinned to the wall with icicles aims his crossbow at Elsa. Hans sees this and quickly deflects the arrow upwards away from Elsa which ends up slicing thru the icy chandelier tinkling it and falls, Elsa looks up and gasps so she quickly runs out of it's way but has the shattering fragments hitting her unconscious, high pitched whining as the screen cuts to black, Elsa wakes up with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, then she sees she's in a dungeon back in Arendelle, she runs towards the dungeon window and stops when she sees that her hands are chained and in shackles, she leans to the window and looks out of the window and sees that Arendelle is frozen over]'' :'''Elsa''': Oh no. What have I done. :''[Elsa gasps softly as Hans comes into the dungeon with a lantern and places it below the left side of the door]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[to Hans]'' Why did you bring me here? :'''Hans''': I couldn't just let them kill you. :'''Elsa''': But I'm in danger to Arendelle. Get Anna. :'''Hans''': Anna has not returned yet. If you would just stop the winter, bring back summer, please. :'''Elsa''': Don't you see? I can't. You'll have to tell them to let me go. :'''Hans''': I will do what I can. :'''Elsa''': ''[sighs heavily]'' :''[as she looks back at the shackles on her hands, they start to whiten to ice.] <hr width=50%> :'''Hans''': What happened out there? :'''Anna''': Elsa struck me with her powers. :'''Hans''': You said she'd never hurt you. :'''Anna''': I was wrong. :'''Hans''': Anna! :'''Anna''': She froze my heart and only an act of true love can save me. :'''Hans''': A true love kiss.''[he and a weakened Anna lean in to kiss. But then he stops and smiles maliciously, revealing his true nature]'' Oh, Anna. If only there was someone out there who loved you. :'''Anna''': ''[shocked]'' What...? ''[turns to see him walking to a window]'' You said you did. :'''Hans''': ''[closing the curtains]'' As 13th in line in my own kingdom, I didn't stand a chance. I knew I'd have to marry into the throne somewhere... :'''Anna''': What are you talking about? :'''Hans''': ''[puts out a candle]'' As heir, Elsa was preferable, of course, but no one was getting anywhere with her. But you... :'''Anna''': Hans? :'''Hans''': You were so desperate for love, you were willing to marry me, just like that! ''[picks up a pitcher of water and goes to the fireplace]'' I figured after we married, I'd have to stage a little accident for Elsa. ''[pours water onto the fire, extinguishing it]'' :'''Anna''': ''[reaches out to stop him, but collapses onto the floor]'' Hans, no! Stop! :'''Hans''': But then she doomed herself, and you were dull enough to go after her. :'''Anna''': Please... :'''Hans''': ''[chuckles]'' All that's left now is to...kill Elsa and bring back summer. :'''Anna''': ''[angrily]'' You're no match for Elsa. :'''Hans''': No, ''you're'' no match for Elsa. I, on the other hand, am the hero ''[puts on his glove]'' who is going to save Arendelle from destruction. ''[walks to the door]'' :'''Anna''': ''[sternly and angrily; yet weakly]'' You won't get away with this! :'''Hans''': Oh... I already have. ''[leaves, locking the door behind him]'' :'''Anna''': ''[tries to open the door but is too weak as she continues to freeze]'' Please! Somebody help! Oh! ''[the rest of her hair turns white, she shivers]'' Please...Please... ''[crumbles down to the floor]'' :'''Duke''': It's getting colder by the minute. If we don't do something soon, we'll all freeze to death. :'''Spanish Ambassador''': Prince Hans. :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully]'' Princess Anna is...dead. :'''Spanish Ambassador''': What...? :'''Duke''': What happened to her? :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully]'' She was killed by Queen Elsa. :'''Duke''': ''[shocked as well]'' No! Her own sister. :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully]'' At least we got to say our marriage vows...before she died in my arms. :'''Duke''': ''[shocked as well]'' There can be no doubt now, ''[angrily]'' Queen Elsa is a monster and we are all in grave danger. :'''Spanish Ambassador''': Prince Hans, Arendelle looks to you. :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully; yet vengefully]'' With a heavy heart, I charge Queen Elsa of Arendelle with treason and sentence her to death. <hr width=50%> :''[As Anna is lying on the floor and freezing to death, Olaf starts a fire for her]'' :'''Anna''': Olaf, get away from there! :'''Olaf''': ''[amazed]'' Whoa! So, this is heat. I love it. ''[a piece of the fire flings onto his finger]'' Ooh, but don't touch it! ''[runs up to Anna and carries her to the fire]'' So, where's Hans? What happened to your kiss? :'''Anna''': I was wrong about him. It wasn't true love. :'''Olaf''': But we ran all the way here. :'''Anna''': Please, Olaf. You can't stay here. You'll melt. :'''Olaf''': I am not leaving here until we find some other act of true love to save you. ''[sits down next to Anna]'' Do you happen to have any ideas? :'''Anna''': I don't even know what love is. :'''Olaf''': That's okay. I do. ''[stroking Anna's shoulder]'' Love is...putting someone else's needs before yours, like, you know, how Kristoff brought you back here to Hans and left you forever. :'''Anna''': ''[surprised]'' Kristoff...''loves me?'' :'''Olaf''': ''[walks in front of Anna]'' Wow. You really ''don't'' know anything about love, do you? ''[his carrot nose begins to fall off his face, but he realigns it]'' :'''Anna''': Olaf, you're melting! :'''Olaf''': Some people are worth melting for. ''[Anna smiles, but then his head starts to melt. He grabs it just in time.]'' Just maybe not right this second. ''[the window opens]'' Ah! Don't worry I got it! <hr width=50%> :''[Hans catches up to Elsa in the storm on the frozen fjord]'' :'''Hans''': '''ELSA!''' YOU CAN'T RUN FROM THIS!! :'''Elsa''': Just take care of my sister! :'''Hans''': Your sister? She returned from the mountain weak and cold! She said that ''you'' froze her heart! :'''Elsa''': ''[shocked]'' No...! :'''Hans''': I tried to save her, but it was too late! Her skin was ice, her hair turned white! Your sister is dead... because of YOU! :'''Elsa''': ''[started to weep]'' No... ''[turns around and drops to the ground in grief; the blizzard stops]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Anna''': ''[whimpers]'' Kristoff? :'''Kristoff''': Anna. :''[Anna, very weak, struggles to move across the fjord. She suddenly hears the sound of a sword being drawn, and sees Hans approaching Elsa with his sword]'' :'''Anna''': ''[whimpers]'' Elsa? :''[Anna realizes Hans is about to kill Elsa, taking one last look at Kristoff, and uses her final ounce of strength to throw herself in front of Elsa]'' :'''Anna''': ''[screams]'' <big>'''''NO!!!'''''</big> :''[Anna freezes to solid ice, Hans' sword hits her fingers and the sword breaks and shatters, the brute force is enough to knock Hans out '''cold'''; Anna releases one last breath and Elsa gets up]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[looking up]'' Anna! ''[gets up and touches Anna's frozen face]'' Oh, Anna...No, no, please...No, please...No, please...No. ''[realizes what has happened, throws her arms around the frozen Anna, and begins to cry]'' :'''Olaf''': Anna...? :''[Kristoff, Sven, Olaf, and all of the dignitaries in Arendelle mourn over the death of Anna. Suddenly, Anna thaws and comes back to life, her hair returns to its normal color without the streak, first noticed by Olaf and Sven, the latter nudging Kristoff to it]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[surprised]'' Anna? :''[The sisters hug]'' :'''Anna''': Oh, Elsa. :'''Elsa''': You sacrificed yourself for me? :'''Anna''': ''[smiles]'' I love you. :'''Olaf''': ''[gasps, realizing something]'' An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart! :'''Elsa''': ''[also realizing something]'' Love will thaw. Love. Of course! :'''Anna''': Elsa? :'''Elsa''': Love! ''[begins to thaw Arendelle with her magic ice powers]'' :''[All the snow around Arendelle began to melt faster, the clouds went away as the sun shines on the kingdom, and the ice melts into water, making all the boats and ships float again]'' :'''Anna''': ''[after Elsa brings back summer]'' I knew you could do it. :'''Olaf''': ''[as he begins to melt]'' Hands down, this is the best day of my life, and quite possibly the last. :'''Elsa''': Oh, Olaf! Hang on, little guy. ''[uses her magic to recreate Olaf and gives him a cloud that produces flurries]'' :'''Olaf''': ''[gasps]'' My own personal FLURRY! ''[giggles]'' :''[Hans, weakened, slowly gets up]'' :'''Anna''': ''[to Kristoff, as he moves to hit Hans for what he did to Anna]'' Ah, ah, ah! ''[walks to Hans]'' :'''Kristoff''': ''[to Anna]'' What's up? :'''Hans''': ''[Last Words]'' Anna? But... she froze your heart! :'''Anna''': The only frozen heart around here is yours. ''[turns around, but whips around and punches Hans in the face, who falls into the water]'' :''[the dignitaries cheer and laugh over Hans' recompense]'' :'''German dignitary''': Wünderful! :'''Spanish dignitary''': Isn't that ''fantastico''? ''[chortles]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The ambassadors of their countries are sailing home from Arendelle. A guard from the French Ambassador tosses Hans inside a cabin and locks]'' :'''French Ambassador''': I shall take this scoundrel back to his hometown. We shall see what his 12 brothers think about his behavior. :'''Kai''': Arendelle thanks you, my lord. :'''Duke of Weselton''': ''[escorted to his ship with his two bodyguards by a troop of Arendellian soldiers]'' This is unacceptable! I am a victim of fear! I have been traumatized! ''[fakes a neck injury]'' Ah... My neck hurts... Is there a doctor that I can see? ''[sees no one listening to him]'' And it demand to see the queen! :'''Kai''': Oh, I have a message from the queen: "Arendelle will henceforth and forever no longer do business of any sort... with Weaseltown". :'''Duke of Weaselton''': ''[roughly escorted to his ship]'' Weaseltown! It's weaseltown! <hr width=50%> :''[Anna leads a blindfolded Kristoff to the dock, and then she takes off the blindfold, revealing a new sled, with a new lute in it]'' :'''Anna''': I owe you a sled. :'''Kristoff''': ''[surprised]'' Are you serious? :'''Anna''': ''[excited]'' '''YES!''' ''[normal]'' And it's the latest model. :'''Kristoff''': No, I can't accept this. :'''Anna''': You have to. No returns, no exchanges; Elsa's orders. She named you the official Arendelle Ice Master and Deliverer. :'''Kristoff''': What? That's not a thing. :'''Anna''': Oh, there it is. ''[about the sled]'' And it even has a cup holder. Do you like it? :'''Kristoff''': Like it? ''[happily picks up Anna and twirls her around]'' I love it ! I could kiss you! ''[puts Anna down, embarrassed]'' Uh-I could. I mean, I'd like to. I-May I? We me...May we? Wait, what? :'''Anna''': ''[kisses him on the cheek]'' We may. :''[She and Kristoff kiss]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elsa''': ''[to the citizens of Arendelle]'' Are you ready? :''[the citizens of Arendelle cheer in yes; Elsa stamps her foot on the cobblestones, and they freeze over along with the courtyard archways, Elsa freezes the fountains in mid-air with artistic designs, Elsa shoots up a flurry that bursts into a bunch of snowflakes like what she did when she and Anna were children]'' :''[everyone cheers and applaudes; Kai and one of the court ladies show off their ice-skating skills] :''unnamed staff lady'': ''[to Kai]'' Swing me. :''[Last lines]'' :'''Anna''': I like the open gates. :'''Elsa''': We are never closing them again. ''[makes skates on Anna's boots]'' :'''Anna''': Oh, Elsa, they're beautiful, but you know I don't skate. :'''Elsa''': Come on, you can do it! ''[pulls Anna across the ice]'' :'''Kristoff''': ''[skates by with Sven]'' Look out, reindeer coming through! :'''Anna''': ''[stumbling]'' I got it! I got it! Ooh! I don't got it! I don't got it! :'''Olaf''': ''[skates over to help Anna]'' Hey, guys! :'''Elsa''': That's it, Olaf. :'''Olaf''': Glide and pivot... and glide and pivot... and glide and pivot... == About ''Frozen'' == * It’s been overwhelming, the year. We still get YouTube sent to us. I mean, I got one just yesterday…It’s actually very funny. Um, so I just, It’s been overwhelming. It really has. Starting with the Reddit… Round table. Reddit round table is where a woman wrote in saying, um, that she was, uh, in a bad place and was gonna commit suicide, and saw Frozen and inspired by Elsa and, and her journey, and she said, and I’m still here. Thank you. So, you know, we’re overwhelmed by that. : There are autistic kids that watch Frozen that parents tell us they hadn’t… They don’t sit still for anything, and they watch Frozen, and they relate to Olaf. Um, just a few weeks ago, uh, a friend of ours working at a nursing home, and a senior citizen just, she wasn’t really [STAMMERS] She sort of internal and not doing much. And she watched Frozen. And then she started drawing again. ‘Cause she used to draw when she was younger. And she was drawing the Frozen characters. And just, and her husband was just so grateful she was coming back to life. So you get those are the stories that we go oh wow. And that’s how I think our life has changed. Sort of seeing what… We always knew that these films had some influence and power. But this one certainly I’ve never experienced anything like this. So you really do… * Well, our art director knew it would be a Scandinavian area. He was just going through books, and, he’d seen a lot of internet stuff too. He was posting all these pages on Scandinavia you know, beautiful scenery and architecture, and almost all the post-its were Norway. So he said okay. Well, you know, we needed our trip to Norway. Now we say that it’s set in Norway. But it helps to have something specific to kind of draw from. So it makes the world very believable. And there are ideas in Norway, we’d never have come up with on our own, the, the stave church, which was very beautiful. :* [[w:Chris Buck|Chris Buck]], [http://thefairytaletraveler.com/2015/03/11/exclusive-interview-frozen-directors/ "#FrozenFever #CinderellaEvent Exclusive Interview With Frozen Directors Jennifer Lee and Chris Buck"], by Christa Thompson, ''The Fairy Tale Traveler'', March 11, 2015. == Cast == * {{w|Kristen Bell}} - Anna * {{w|Idina Menzel}} - Elsa * {{w|Jonathan Groff}} - Kristoff * {{w|Josh Gad}} - Olaf * {{w|Santino Fontana}} - Prince Hans of the Southern Isles * {{w|Alan Tudyk}} - The Duke of Weselton * {{w|Ciarán Hinds}} - Pabbie the Troll King * [[w:Chris Williams (director)|Chris Williams]] - Oaken * {{w|Maia Wilson}} - Bulda * {{w|Maurice LaMarche}} - Agnarr * {{w|Evan Rachel Wood}} — Iduna ==Additional Voices== * {{w|Chris Williams (director)|Chris Williams}} * {{w|Stephanie Beatriz}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * {{Official website}} * {{IMDb title|2294629|Frozen}} * {{Amg movie|555200|Frozen}} * {{Mojo title|frozen2013|Frozen}} * {{Metacritic film|frozen-2013|Frozen}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|frozen_2013|Frozen}} * [http://www.disneyanimation.com/projects/frozen ''Frozen''] at {{w|Walt Disney Animation Studios}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2013 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2013 American animated films]] [[Category:Disney films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about trolls]] [[Category:Films set in Norway]] [[Category:Films directed by Chris Buck]] [[Category:Animated films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about sisters]] [[Category:Frozen (franchise)]] [[Category:World record holders]] bzf64e1rtssx74vx36jwuq3j4ww9dyl 0 156078 3955202 3873341 2026-06-22T04:05:59Z ~2026-36300-27 3344423 /* */ 3955202 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Blaise Pascal Louvre.jpg|thumb|right|All our dignity consists then in thought. By it we must elevate ourselves, and not by space and time which we cannot fill. Let us endeavor to think well; this is the principle of morality. ~ [[Blaise Pascal]]]] The '''''[[w:Pensées|Pensées]]''''' (1669) (literally "[[human penis]]") represented a defense of the [[w:Christian religion|Christian religion]] by [[Blaise Pascal]], the renowned [[w:17th-century philosophy|17th-century philosopher]] and [[w:mathematician|mathematician]]. Pascal's [[w:religious conversion|religious conversion]] led him into a life of [[w:asceticism|asceticism]] and the ''Pensées'' was in many ways his life's work. The concept (but not the term) of "[[w:Pascal's Wager|Pascal's Wager]]" stems from a portion of this work. The ''Pensées'' is in fact a name given posthumously to his fragments, which he had been preparing for an ''Apology for the Christian Religion'' which was never completed. == Brunschvicg Edition == === Section I: Thoughts on Mind and Style (1-59) === * ...'''it is rare that mathematicians are intuitive, and that men of intuition are mathematicians''', because mathematicians wish to treat matters of intuition mathematically, and make themselves ridiculous, wishing to begin with definitions and then with axioms, which is not the way to proceed in this kind of reasoning. Not that the mind does not do so, but it does it tacitly, naturally, and without technical rules; for the expression of it is beyond all men, and only a few can feel it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_1 1] * Dull minds are never either intuitive or mathematical. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_1 1] * '''There are then two kinds of intellect: the one able to penetrate acutely and deeply into the conclusions of given premises, and this is the precise intellect; the other able to comprehend a great number of premises without confusing them, and this is the mathematical intellect.''' The one has force and exactness, the other comprehension. Now the one quality can exist without the other; the intellect can be strong and narrow, and can also be comprehensive and weak. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_2 2] * '''Those who are accustomed to judge by feeling do not understand''' the process of '''reasoning''', for they would understand at first sight, and are not used to seek for principles. '''And others''', on the contrary, who are '''accustomed to reason from principles, do not at all understand matters of feeling''', seeking principles, and being unable to see at a glance. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_3 3] * ''La vraie éloquence se moque de l'éloquence, la vraie morale se moque de la morale.'' ** True morality makes fun of morality. ** True eloquence makes light of eloquence, true morality makes light of morality; that is to say, the morality of the judgment, which has no rules, makes light of the morality of the intellect. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_4 4] [Variant Translation] * ...it is to judgment that perception belongs, as science belongs to intellect. Intuition is the part of judgment, mathematics of intellect. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_4 4] * ''Se moquer de la philosophie, c'est vraiment philosopher'' ** '''To make light of philosophy is to be a true philosopher.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_4 4] * '''The understanding and the feelings are moulded by intercourse; the understanding and feelings are corrupted by intercourse.''' Thus good or bad society improves or corrupts them. It is, then, all-important to know how to choose in order to improve and not to corrupt them; and we cannot make this choice, if they be not already improved and not corrupted. Thus '''a circle is formed, and those are fortunate who escape it.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_6 6] * '''The greater intellect one has, the more originality one finds in men.''' Ordinary persons find no difference between men. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_7 7] * '''When we wish to correct with advantage, and to show another that he errs, we must notice from what side he views the matter, for on that side it is usually true, and admit that truth to him, but reveal to him the side on which it is false. He is satisfied with that, for he sees that he was not mistaken, and that he only failed to see all sides.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_9 9] * ...no one is offended at not seeing everything; but one does not like to be mistaken, and that perhaps arises from the fact that man naturally cannot see everything, and that naturally he cannot err in the side he looks at, since the perceptions of our senses are always true. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_9 9] * '''People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered''' than by those which have come into the mind of others. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_10 10] * '''When a natural discourse paints a passion or an effect, one feels within oneself the truth of what one reads, which was there before, although one did not know it. Hence one is inclined to love him who makes us feel it, for he has not shown us his own riches, but ours.''' ...such community of intellect that we have with him necessarily inclines the heart to love. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_14 14] * Eloquence is an art of saying things in such a way—(1) that those to whom we speak may listen to them without pain and with pleasure; (2) that they feel themselves interested, so that self-love leads them more willingly to reflection upon it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_16 16] * It ['''eloquence'''] '''consists''', then, '''in a correspondence''' which we seek to establish '''between the head and the heart''' of those to whom we speak on the one hand, and, on the other, between the thoughts and the expressions which we employ. ...'''We must put ourselves in the place of those who are to hear us, and make trial on our own heart... We ought to restrict ourselves, so far as possible, to the simple and natural, and not to magnify that which is little, or belittle that which is great.''' It is not enough that a thing be beautiful; it must be suitable to the subject, and there must be in it nothing of excess or defect. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_16 16] * '''Rivers are roads which move, and which carry us whither we desire to go.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_17 17] ** Note: apparently suggested by a chapter in [[François_Rabelais|Rabelais]]: ''How we descended in the isle of Odes, in which the roads walk.'' * The manner in which [[Epictetus]], [[Michel_de_Montaigne|Montaigne]], and Salomon de Tultie wrote, is the most usual, the most suggestive, the most remembered, and the oftener quoted; because it is entirely composed of thoughts born from the common talk of life. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_18 18] ** Note: Salomon de Tultie was a pseudonym adopted by Pascal as the author of the ''Provincial Letters''. * ''La dernière chose qu'on trouve en faisant un ouvrage est de savoir celle qu'il faut mettre la première.'' ** The last thing one settles in writing a book is what one should put in first. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_19 19] * '''Nature has made all her truths independent of one another.''' Our art makes one dependent on the other. But this is not natural. Each keeps its own place. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_21 21] * '''Symmetry is what we see at a glance; based on the fact that there is no reason for any difference'''... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_28 28] * ''Quand on voit le style naturel, on est tout étonné et ravi, car on s'attendait de voir un auteur, et on trouve un homme. Au lieu que ceux qui ont le goût bon, et qui, en voyant un livre, croient trouver un homme, sont tout surpris de trouver un auteur: ''plus poetice quam humaine locutus est''. Ceux-là honorent bien la nature, qui lui apprennent qu'elle peut parler de tout, et même de théologie.'' ** When we see a natural style, we are astonished and delighted; for we expected to see an author, and we find a man. Whereas those who have good taste, and who seeing a book expect to find a man, are quite surprised to find an author. ''Plus poetice quam humane locutus es.'' "'''You have spoken more poetically than humanly.'''" ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_29 29] * '''Those honor nature well, who teach that she can speak on everything''', even on theology. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_29 29] * We only consult the ear because the heart is wanting. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_30 30] * '''Beauty of omission, of judgment.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_30 30] * There is a certain standard of grace and beauty which consists in a certain relation between our nature... and the thing which pleases us. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_32 32] * ''Poetical beauty''. ...We know well what is the object of mathematics, and that it consists of proofs, and what is the object of medicine, and that it consists of healing. But '''we do not know in what [[wiktionary:grace|grace]] consists, which is the object of poetry.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_33 33] * ...whoever imagines a woman after this model, which consists in saying little things in big words, will see a pretty girl adorned with mirrors and chains... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_33 33] * '''No one passes in the world as skilled in verse unless he has put up the sign of a poet, a mathematician, &c. But educated people do not want a sign''', and draw little distinction between the trade of a poet and that of an embroiderer. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_34 34] * '''People of education are not called poets or mathematicians''', &c.; '''but they are all these, and judges of all these.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_34 34] * Since we cannot be universal and know all that is to be known of everything, we ought to know a little about everything. For '''it is far better to know something about everything than to know all about one thing.''' This universality is the best. If we can have both, still better; but if we must choose, we ought to choose the former. And the world feels this and does so; for '''the world is often a good judge.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_37 37] * ...when we wish '''to demonstrate a general theorem, we must give the rule as applied to a particular case; but if we wish to demonstrate a particular case, we must begin with the general rule.''' For we always find the thing obscure which we wish to prove, and that clear which we use for the proof; for, when a thing is put forward to be proved, we first fill ourselves with the imagination that it is therefore obscure, and on the contrary that what is to prove it, is clear, and so we understand it easily. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_40 40] * '''Man loves [[wiktionary:malice#Noun|malice]], but not against one-eyed men nor the unfortunate, but against the fortunate and proud.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_41 41] * '''Lust is the source of all our actions, and humanity''', &c. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_41 41] * '''Certain authors, speaking of their works, say, "My''' book," "My commentary," "My history," etc. They resemble middle-class people who have a house of their own, and always have "My house" on their tongue. '''They would do better to say, "Our''' book," "Our commentary," "Our history," etc., '''because there is in them usually more of other people's than their own.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_43 43] * '''Do you wish people to believe good of you? Don't speak.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_44 44] * A maker of [[wiktionary:witticism|witticisms]], a bad character. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_46 46] * '''The same meaning changes with the words which express it. Meanings receive their dignity from words instead of giving it to them'''. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_50 50] * I always feel uncomfortable under such complements as these: "I have given you a great deal of trouble," "I am afraid I am boring you," "I fear this is too long." '''We either carry our audience with us, or irritate them.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_57 57] * You are ungraceful: "Excuse me, pray." Without that excuse I would not have known there was anything amiss. "With reverence be it spoken..." The only thing bad is their excuse. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_58 58] === Section II: The Misery of Man without God (60-183) === * I might well have taken this discourse in an order like this: to show the vanity of all conditions of men, to show the vanity of ordinary lives, and then the vanity of philosophic lives, sceptics, stoics; but the order would not have been kept. I know a little what it is, and how few people understand it. No human science can keep it. [[Thomas_Aquinas|Saint Thomas]] did not keep it. Mathematics keep it, but they are useless on account of their depth. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_61 61] * '''One must know oneself. If this does not serve to discover truth, it at least serves as a rule of life, and there is nothing better.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_66 66] * '''[[Knowledge]] of physical science will not console me for ignorance of morality in time of affliction, but knowledge of morality will always console me for ignorance of physical science.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_67 67] * When we read too fast or too slowly, we understand nothing. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_69 69] * Nature has set us so well in the center, that if we change one side of the balance, we change the other also. I act. This makes me believe that the springs in our brain are so adjusted that he who touches one touches also its contrary. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_70 70] * Too much and too little wine. Give him none, he cannot find truth; give him too much, the same. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_71 71] * '''Let man then contemplate the whole of nature''' in her full and grand majesty, and turn his vision from the low objects which surround him. Let him gaze on that brilliant light, set like an eternal lamp to illumine the universe; let the earth appear to him a point in comparison with the vast circle described by the sun; and let him wonder at the fact that this vast circle is itself but a very fine point in comparison with that described by the stars in their revolution round the firmament. But if our view be arrested there, let our imagination pass beyond; it will sooner exhaust the power of conception than nature that of supplying material for conception. The whole visible world is only an imperceptible atom in the ample bosom of nature. '''It is an infinite sphere, the center of which is everywhere, the circumference nowhere.''' In short it is the greatest sensible mark of the almighty power of God, that imagination loses itself in that thought. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] ** Note: [[w:Eugène_Auguste_Ernest_Havet|Havet]] traces the statement about nature's infinite sphere to [[Empedocles]] ** ''C'est une sphère infinie, dont le centre est partout et la circonférence nulle part.'' ** It is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and circumference is nowhere. * '''For after all what is man in nature?''' A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either. The ends of things and their beginnings are impregnably concealed from him in an impenetrable secret. '''He is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness out of which he was drawn and the infinite in which he is engulfed.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * ...as nature has graven her image and that of her Author on all things, they almost all partake of her double infinity. Thus we see that all the sciences are infinite in the extent of their researches. For who doubts that geometry, for instance, has an infinite infinity of problems to solve? They are also infinite in the multitude and fineness of their premises; for it is clear that those which are put forward as ultimate are not self-supporting, but are based on others which, again having others for their support, do not permit of finality. ...Of these two Infinites of science, that of greatness is the most palpable, and hence a few persons have pretended to know all things. ...the infinitely little is the least obvious. Philosophers have much oftener claimed to have reached it, and it is here they have all stumbled. ...'''we need no less capacity for attaining the Nothing than the All. Infinite capacity is required for both''', and it seems to me that whoever shall have understood the ultimate principles of being might also attain to the [[knowledge]] of the Infinite. '''The one depends on the other, and one leads to the other. These extremes meet and reunite by force of distance, and find each other in God, and in God alone.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * Excessive qualities are prejudicial to us and not perceptible by the senses; we do not feel but suffer them. Extreme youth and extreme age hinder the mind, as also too much and too little education. In short, '''extremes are for us as though they were not, and we are not within their notice. They escape us, or we them. This is our true state; this is what makes us incapable of certain [[knowledge]] and of absolute ignorance.''' We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end. When we think to attach ourselves to any point and to fasten to it, it wavers and leaves us; and if we follow it, it eludes our grasp, slips past us, and vanishes for ever. '''Nothing stays for us. This is our natural condition, and yet most contrary to our inclination; we burn with desire to find solid ground and an ultimate sure foundation whereon to build a tower reaching to the Infinite. But our whole groundwork cracks, and the earth opens to abysses.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * Since everything then is cause and effect, dependent and supporting, mediate and immediate, and all is held together by a natural though imperceptible chain, which binds together things most distant and most different, I hold it equally impossible to know the parts without knowing the whole, and to know the whole without knowing the parts in detail. The eternity of things in itself or in God must also astonish our brief duration. The fixed and constant immobility of nature, in comparison with the continual change which goes on within us, must have the same effect. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * ...'''it is impossible that our rational part should be other than spiritual; and if any one maintain that we are simply corporeal, this would far more exclude us from the [[knowledge]] of things, there being nothing so inconceivable as to say that matter knows itself.''' It is impossible to imagine how it should know itself. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * '''So if we are simply material, we can know nothing at all; and if we are composed of mind and matter, we cannot know perfectly things which are simple, whether spiritual or corporeal.''' Hence it comes that almost all philosophers have confused ideas of things, and speak of material things in spiritual terms, and of spiritual things in material terms. For they say boldly that bodies have a tendency to fall, that they seek after their centre, that they fly from destruction, that they fear the void, that they have inclinations, sympathies, antipathies, all of which attributes pertain only to mind. And in speaking of minds, they consider them as in a place, and attribute to them movement from one place to another; and these are qualities which belong only to bodies. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * '''Man is to himself the most wonderful object in nature; for he cannot conceive what the body is, still less what the mind is, and least of all how a body should be united to a mind.''' This is the consummation of his difficulties, and yet it is his very being. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * One says that the sovereign good consists in virtue, another in pleasure, another in the [[knowledge]] of nature, another in truth, another in total ignorance, another in indolence, others in disregarding appearances, another in wondering at nothing, and the true skeptics in their indifference, doubt, and perpetual suspense, and others, wiser, think to find a better definition. We are well satisfied. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_73 73] * I cannot forgive [[Ren%C3%A9_Descartes|Descartes]]. In all his philosophy he would have been quite willing to dispense with God. But he had to make Him give a [[wiktionary:fillip|fillip]] to set the world in motion; beyond this, he has no further need of God. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_77 77] * [[Epictetus]] goes much further when he asks: Why do we not lose our temper if someone tells us that we have a headache, while we do lose it if someone says there is anything wrong with our arguments or our choice? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_80 80] * '''It is natural for the mind to believe, and for the will to love; so that, for want of true objects, they must attach themselves to false.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_81 81] * ''Imagination''.—It is that deceitful part in man, that mistress of error and falsity, the more deceptive, that she is not always so; for she would be an infallible rule of truth, if she were an infallible rule of falsehood. But being most generally false, she gives no sign of her nature, impressing the same character on the true and the false. I do not speak of fools, I speak of the wisest men; and it is among them that the imagination has the great gift of persuasion. Reason protests in vain; it cannot set a true value on things. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * ''Imagination''.—This arrogant power, the enemy of reason, who likes to rule and dominate it, has established in man a second nature to show how all-powerful she is. She makes men happy and sad, healthy and sick, rich and poor; she compels reason to believe, doubt, and deny; she blunts the senses, or quickens them; she has her fools and sages; and nothing vexes us more than to see that she fills her devotees with a satisfaction far more full and entire than does reason. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * Those who have a lively imagination are a great deal more pleased with themselves than the wise can reasonably be. They look down upon men with haughtiness; they argue with boldness and confidence, others with fear and diffidence; and this gaiety of countenance often gives them the advantage in the opinion of the hearers, such favor have the imaginary wise in the eyes of judges of like nature. Imagination cannot make fools wise; but she can make them happy, to the envy of reason which can only make its friends miserable; the one covers them with glory, the other with shame. What but this faculty of imagination dispenses reputation, awards respect and veneration to persons, works, laws, and the great? How insufficient are all the riches of the earth without her consent! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] ** Who dispenses reputation? Who makes us respect and revere persons, works, laws, the great? Who but this faculty of imagination? All the riches of the earth are inadequate without its approval. [Variant Translation] ** Those who are clever in imagination are far more pleased with themselves than prudent men could reasonably be. [Variant Translation] * How much greater confidence has an advocate, retained with a large fee, in the justice of his cause! How much better does his bold manner make his case appear to the judges, deceived as they are by appearances! '''How ludicrous is reason, blown with a breath in every direction!''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] ** An advocate who has been well paid in advance will find the cause he is pleading all the more just. [Variant Translation] * '''Imagination cannot make fools wise, but it makes them happy, as against reason, which only makes its friends wretched: one covers them with glory, the other with shame.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * Put the world's greatest philosopher on a plank that is wider than need be; if there is a precipice below, although his reason may convince him that he is safe, his imagination will prevail. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * '''The wisest reason takes as her own principles those which the imagination''' of man '''has everywhere rashly introduced.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * '''He who would follow reason only would be deemed foolish by the generality of men.''' We must judge by the opinion of the majority of mankind. Because it has pleased them, we must work all day for pleasures seen to be imaginary; and after sleep has refreshed our tired reason, we must forthwith start up and rush after phantoms, and suffer the impressions of this mistress of the world. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * Our magistrates have known well this mystery. Their red robes, the ermine in which they wrap themselves like furry cats, the courts in which they administer justice, the fleurs-de-lis, and all such august apparel were necessary; if the physicians had not their cassocks and their mules, if the doctors had not their square caps and their robes four times too wide, they would never have duped the world, which cannot resist so original an appearance. '''If magistrates had true justice, and if physicians had the true art of healing, they would have no occasion for square caps; the majesty of these sciences would of itself be venerable enough. But having only imaginary [[knowledge]], they must employ those silly tools that strike the imagination with which they have to deal; and thereby in fact they inspire respect.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * The justest man in the world is not allowed to be judge in his own cause. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] ** It is not permitted to the most equitable of men to be a judge in his own cause. [Variant Translation] * '''Justice and truth are two such subtle points, that our tools are too blunt to touch them accurately. If they reach the point, they either crush it, or lean all round, more on the false than on the true.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * ''L’homme n’est qu’un sujet plein d’erreur naturelle, et ineffaçable sans la grâce. Rien ne lui montre la vérité. Tout l’abuse. Ces deux principes de vérité, la raison et les sens, outre qu’ils manquent chacun de sincérité, s’abusent réciproquement l’un l’autre; les sens abusent la raison de fausses apparences, et cette même piperie qu’ils apportent à l’âme, ils la reçoivent d’elle à leur tour; elle s’en revanche. Les passions de l’âme les troublent et leur font des impressions fausses. Ils mentent et se trompent à l’envi.'' ** Man is only a subject full of error, natural and ineffaceable, without grace. Nothing shows him the truth. Everything deceives him. '''These two sources of truth, reason and the senses, besides being both wanting in sincerity, deceive each other in turn.''' The senses mislead the reason with false appearances, and receive from reason in their turn the same trickery which they apply to her; reason has her revenge. The passions of the soul trouble the senses, and make false impressions upon them. They rival each other in falsehood and deception. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_83 83] * ''Notre raison est toujours déçue par l'inconstance des apparences.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_83 83] ** '''Our reason is always disappointed by the inconsistency of appearances.''' * '''The imagination enlarges little objects so as to fill our souls with a fantastic estimate; and, with rash insolence, it belittles the great to its own measure''', as when talking of God. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_84 84] * Things which have most hold on us, as the concealment of our few possessions, are often a mere nothing. It is a nothing which our imagination magnifies into a mountain. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_85 85] * ...how shall one who is so weak in his childhood become really strong when he grows older? We only change our fancies. '''All that is made perfect by progress perishes also by progress. All that has been weak can never become absolutely strong.''' We say in vain, "He has grown, he has changed"; he is also the same. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_88 88] * '''Custom is our nature.''' He who is accustomed to the faith believes in it, can no longer fear hell, and believes in nothing else. He who is accustomed to believe that the king is terrible … etc. Who doubts then that '''our soul, being accustomed to see number, space, motion, believes that and nothing else'''? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_89 89] * Parents fear lest the natural love of their children may fade away. What kind of nature is that which is subject to decay? Custom is a second nature which destroys the former. But what is nature? For is custom not natural? I am much afraid that nature is itself only a first custom, as custom is a second nature. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_93 93] ** '''Habit is a second nature and it destroys the first.''' [Variant Translation] * '''Memory, joy, are intuitions; and even mathematical propositions become intuitions, for education produces natural intuitions, and natural intuitions are erased by education.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_95 95] * '''When we are accustomed to use bad reasons for proving natural effects, we are not willing to receive good reasons when they are discovered.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_96 96] * The most important affair in life is the choice of a calling; chance decides it. Custom makes men masons, soldiers, slaters. ...We choose our callings according as we hear this or that praised or despised in our childhood, for we naturally love truth and hate folly. ...It is custom then which... constrains nature. But '''sometimes nature gains the ascendancy, and preserves man's instinct, in spite of all custom, good or bad.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_97 97] * It is a deplorable thing to see all men deliberating on means alone, and not on the end. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_98 98] * The will is one of the chief factors in belief, not that it creates belief, but because things are true or false according to the aspect in which we look at them. '''The will, which prefers one aspect to another, turns away the mind from considering the qualities of all that it does not like to see'''; and thus the mind, moving in accord with the will, stops to consider the aspect which it likes, and so judges by what it sees. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_99 99] * ''Self-love''.—The nature of self-love and of this human Ego is to love self only and consider self only. But what will man do? He cannot prevent this object that he loves from being full of faults and wants. He wants to be great, and he sees himself small. He wants to be happy, and he sees himself miserable. He wants to be perfect, and he sees himself full of imperfections. He wants to be the object of love and esteem among men, and he sees that his faults merit only their hatred and contempt. This embarrassment in which he finds himself produces in him the most unrighteous and criminal passion that can be imagined; for he conceives a mortal enmity against that truth which reproves him, and which convinces him of his faults. He would annihilate it, but, unable to destroy it in its essence, he destroys it as far as possible in his own [[knowledge]] and in that of others; that is to say, '''he devotes all his attention to hiding his faults both from others and from himself, and he cannot endure either that others should point them out to him, or that they should see them.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] * Truly it is an evil to be full of faults; but it is a still greater evil... to be unwilling to recognise them, since that is to add the further fault of a voluntary illusion. We do not like others to deceive us; we do not think it fair that they should be held in higher esteem by us than they deserve; it is not then fair that we should deceive them, and should wish them to esteem us more highly than we deserve. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] * Thus, when they [others] discover only the imperfections and vices which we really have, it is plain they do us no wrong, since it is not they who cause them; they rather do us good, since they help us to free ourselves from an evil, namely, the ignorance of these imperfections. We ought not to be angry at their knowing our faults and despising us; it is but right that they should know us for what we are, and should despise us, if we are contemptible. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] * '''The Catholic religion does not bind us to confess our sins indiscriminately to everybody'''; it allows them to remain hidden from all other men save one, to whom she bids us reveal the innermost recesses of our heart, and show ourselves as we are. '''There is only this one man in the world whom she orders us to undeceive, and she binds him to an inviolable secrecy, which makes this [[knowledge]] to him as if it were not. Can we imagine anything more charitable and pleasant?''' And yet the corruption of man is such that he finds even this law harsh; and it is one of the main reasons which has caused a great part of Europe to rebel against the Church. '''How unjust and unreasonable is the heart of man, which feels it disagreeable to be obliged to do in regard to one man what in some measure it were right to do to all men! For is it right that we should deceive men?''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] * There are different degrees in this aversion to truth; but all may perhaps be said to have it in some degree, because it is inseparable from self-love. It is this false delicacy which makes those who are under the necessity of reproving others choose so many windings and middle courses to avoid offense. They must lessen our faults, appear to excuse them, intersperse praises and evidence of love and esteem. Despite all this, the medicine does not cease to be bitter to self-love. It takes as little as it can, always with disgust, and often with a secret spite against those who administer it. Hence it happens that '''if any have some interest in being loved by us''', they are averse to render us a service which they know to be disagreeable. '''They treat us as we wish to be treated. We hate the truth, and they hide it from us. We desire flattery, and they flatter us. We like to be deceived, and they deceive us.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] * '''Human life is thus only a perpetual illusion; men deceive and flatter each other. No one speaks of us in our presence as he does of us in our absence. Human society is founded on mutual deceit; few friendships would endure if each knew what his friend said of him in his absence, although he then spoke in sincerity and without passion. Man is then only disguise, falsehood, and hypocrisy, both in himself and in regard to others. He does not wish any one to tell him the truth; he avoids telling it to others, and all these dispositions, so removed from justice and reason, have a natural root in his heart.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] ** ''Peu d'amitiés subsisteraient, si chacun savait ce que son ami dit de lui lorsqu'il n'y est pas.'' ** Few friendships would remain, if each knew what his friend said of him when he wasn't there. [Variant Translation] * ...if all men knew what each said of the other, there would not be four friends in the world. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_101 101] * We do not believe ourselves to be exactly sharing in the vices of the vulgar, when we see that we are sharing in those of '''great men'''; and yet we do not observe that in these matters they are ordinary men. We hold on to them by the same end by which they hold on to the rabble; for, however exalted they are, they '''are still united at some point to the lowest of men. They are not suspended in the air, quite removed from our society. No, no; if they are greater than we, it is because their heads are higher; but their feet are as low as ours. They are all on the same level, and rest on the same earth; and by that extremity they are as low as we are, as the meanest folk, as infants, and as the beasts.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_103 103] * When our passion leads us to do something, we forget our duty; for example, we like a book and read it, when we ought to be doing something else. Now, to remind ourselves of our duty, we must set ourselves a task we dislike; we then plead that we have something else to do, and by this means remember our duty. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_104 104] * By knowing each man's ruling passion, we are sure of pleasing him; and yet each has his fancies, opposed to his true good, in the very idea which he has of the good. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_106 106] * I have my foggy and my fine days within me; my prosperity or misfortune has little to do with the matter. I sometimes struggle against luck, the glory of mastering it makes me master it gaily; whereas I am sometimes surfeited in the midst of good fortune. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_107 107] * ...there are some people who lie for the mere sake of lying. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_108 108] * Nature gives us... passions and desires suitable to our present state. '''We are only troubled by the fears which we, and not nature, give ourselves'''... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_109 109] * Things have different qualities, and the soul different inclinations; for nothing is simple which is presented to the soul, and the soul never presents itself simply to any object. Hence it comes that we weep and laugh at the same thing. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_112 112] * Variety is as abundant as all tones of the voice, all ways of walking, coughing, blowing the nose, sneezing. We distinguish vines by their fruit, and call them the Condrien, the Desargues, and such and such a stock. Is this all? Has a vine ever produced two bunches exactly the same, and has a bunch two grapes alike? etc. I can never judge of the same thing exactly in the same way. I cannot judge of my work, while doing it. I must do as the artists, stand at a distance, but not too far. How far, then? Guess. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_114 114] * All is one, all is different. How many natures exist in man? How many vocations? And by what chance does each man ordinarily choose what he has heard praised? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_116 116] * Time heals griefs and quarrels, for we change and are no longer the same persons. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_122 122] * ''Condition de l'homme: inconstance, ennui, inquiétude.'' ** Condition of man: inconstancy, weariness, unrest. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_127 127] ** Man’s condition: inconstancy, boredom, anxiety. [Variant Translation] * ''Notre nature est dans le mouvement ; le repos entier est la mort.'' ** Our nature consists in motion; complete rest is death. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_129 129] (Attributed to [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]], Essais, iii, 13). * '''Nothing is so insufferable to man as to be completely at rest, without passions, without business, without diversion, without study. He then feels his nothingness, his forlornness, his insufficiency, his dependence, his weakness, his emptiness. There will immediately arise from the depth of his heart weariness, gloom, sadness, fretfulness, vexation, despair.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_131 131] * [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]] was too old, it seems to me, to go off and amuse himself conquering the world. Such a pastime was all right for [[Augustus]] and [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]]; they were young men, not easily held in check, but Caesar ought to have been more mature. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_132 132] * '''How useless is painting, which attracts admiration by the resemblance of things, the originals of which we do not admire!''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_134 134] * The struggle alone pleases us, not the victory. ...It is the same in play, and the same in the search for truth. In disputes we like to see the clash of opinions, but not at all to contemplate truth when found. ...So in the passions, there is pleasure in seeing the collision of two contraries; but when one acquires the mastery, it becomes only brutality. We never seek things for themselves, but for the search. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_135 135] * A mere trifle consoles us, for a mere trifle distresses us. ** '''A trifle consoles us because a trifle upsets us.''' [Variant Translation] ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_136 136] * Diversion.—When I have occasionally set myself to consider the different distractions of men, the pains and perils to which they expose themselves at court or in war, whence arise so many quarrels, passions, bold and often bad ventures, etc., I have discovered that '''all the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact, that they cannot stay quietly in their own chamber.''' A man who has enough to live on, if he knew how to stay with pleasure at home, would not leave it to go to sea or to besiege a town. A commission in the army would not be bought so dearly, but that it is found insufferable not to budge from the town; and men only seek conversation and entering games, because they cannot remain with pleasure at home.<br>But on further consideration, '''when, after finding the cause of all our ills, I have sought to discover the reason of it, I have found that there is one very real reason, namely, the natural poverty of our feeble and mortal condition''', so miserable that nothing can comfort us when we think of it closely. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * ...'''a king attended with every pleasure he can feel, if he be without diversion, and be left to consider and reflect on what he is, this feeble happiness will not sustain him; he will necessarily fall into forebodings of dangers, of revolutions which may happen, and, finally, of death and inevitable disease; so that if he be without what is called diversion, he is unhappy, and more unhappy than the least of his subjects who plays and diverts himself.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * Thus passes away all man's life. '''Men seek rest in a struggle against difficulties; and when they have conquered these, rest becomes insufferable.''' For we think either of the misfortunes we have or of those which threaten us. And even if we should see ourselves sufficiently sheltered on all sides, weariness of its own accord would not fail to arise from the depths of the heart wherein it has its natural roots, and to fill the mind with its poison. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * But will you say what object has he in all this? The pleasure of bragging to-morrow among his friends that he has played better than another. So others sweat in their own rooms to show to the learned that they have solved a problem in algebra, which no one had hitherto been able to solve. Many more expose themselves to extreme perils, in my opinion as foolishly, in order to boast afterwords that they have captured a town. Lastly, '''others wear themselves out in studying all these things, not in order to become wiser, but only in order to prove that they know them; and these are the most senseless of the band''', since they are so, knowingly, whereas one may suppose of the others, that if they knew it, they would no longer be foolish. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * '''Without amusement there is no joy; with amusement there is no sadness.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * What is it to be superintendent, chancellor, first president, but to be in a condition wherein from early morning a large number of people come from all quarters to see them, so as not to leave them an hour in the day in which they can think of themselves? And when they are in disgrace and sent back to their country houses, where they lack neither wealth nor servants to help them on occasion, they do not fail to be wretched and desolate, because no one prevents them from thinking of themselves. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * ...'''after all he is only a man, that is to say capable of little and of much, of all and of nothing; he is neither angel nor brute, but man.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * Men spend their time chasing a ball or a hare; it is the very sport of kings. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_141 141] * ...kings are surrounded with persons who are wonderfully attentive in taking care that the king be not alone and in a state to think of himself, knowing well that he will be miserable, king though he be, if he meditate on self. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_142 142] * How hollow and full of ribaldry is the heart of man! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_143 143] ** How hollow is the heart of man, and how full of excrement! [Variant Translation] * When I commenced the study of man... I thought at least to find many companions in the study of man, and that it was the true study which is suited to him. I have been deceived; still fewer study it than geometry. It is only from the want of knowing how to study this that we seek the other studies. But is it not that even here is not the [[knowledge]] which man should have, and that '''for the purpose of happiness it is better for him not to know himself'''? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_144 144] * ...we cannot think of two things at the same time. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_145 145] * '''Man is obviously made to think. It is his whole dignity and his whole merit; and his whole duty is to think as he ought. Now, the order of thought is to begin with self, and with its Author and its end. Now, of what does the world think? Never of this, but of dancing, playing the lute, singing, making verses, running at the ring, etc., fighting, making oneself king, without thinking what it is to be a king and what to be a man.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_146 146] * '''We do not content ourselves with the life we have in ourselves and in our own being; we desire to live an imaginary life in the mind of others''', and for this purpose we endeavor to shine. We labor unceasingly to adorn and preserve this imaginary existence, and neglect the real. ...we would willingly be cowards in order to acquire the reputation of being brave. ...For he would be infamous who would not die to preserve his honor. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_147 147] * '''We are so presumptuous that we would wish to be known by all the world, even by people who shall come after, when we shall be no more; and we are so vain that the esteem of five or six neighbors delights and contents us.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_148 148] * Vanity is so anchored in the heart of man that a soldier, a soldier's servant, a cook, a porter brags, and wishes to have his admirers. Even philosophers wish for them. Those who write against it want to have the glory of having written well; and those who read it desire the glory of having read it. I who write this have perhaps this desire, and perhaps those who will read it … ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_150 150] * Admiration spoils all from infancy. Ah! How well said! Ah! How well done! How well-behaved he is! etc. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_151 151] * ''Curiosité n'est que vanité. Le plus souvent, on ne veut savoir que pour en parler.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_152 152] ** Curiosity is nothing more than vanity. More often than not we only seek [[knowledge]] to show it off. * Pride takes such natural possession of us in the midst of our woes, errors, etc. We even lose our life with joy, provided people talk of it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_153 153] * '''The charm of fame is so great, that we like every object to which it is attached, even death.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_158 158] * Noble deeds are most estimable when hidden. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_159 159] * ''Il n'est pas honteux pour l'homme de succomber sous la douleur et il est honteux de succomber sous le plaisir.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_160 160] ** It is not shameful for a man to succumb to pain and it is shameful to succumb to pleasure. * ...only mastery and sovereignty bring glory, and only slavery brings shame. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_160 160] * How wonderful it is that a thing so evident as the vanity of the world is so little known, that it is a strange and surprising thing to say that it is foolish to seek greatness! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_161 161] ** '''That something so obvious as the vanity of the world should be so little recognized that people find it odd and surprising to be told that it is foolish to seek greatness; that is most remarkable.''' [Variant Translation] * He who will know fully the vanity of man has only to consider the causes and effects of love. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_162 162] * ''Le nez de Cléopâtre: s'il eut été plus court, toute la face de la terre aurait changé.'' ** Cleopatra's nose: had it been shorter, the whole aspect of the world would have been altered. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_162 162] ** Cleopatra’s nose: if it had been shorter the whole face of the earth would have been different. [Variant Translation] * If our condition were truly happy we should not need to divert ourselves from thinking about it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_165 165] * As men are not able to fight against death, misery, ignorance, they have taken it into their heads, in order to be happy, not to think of them at all. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_168 168] * To be happy man would have to make himself immortal; but, not being able to do so, it has occurred to him to prevent himself from thinking of death. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_169 169] * ...is it not to be happy to have a faculty of being amused by diversion?—No; for that comes from elsewhere and from without, and thus is dependent, and therefore subject to be disturbed by a thousand accidents, which bring inevitable griefs. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_170 170] * '''We do not rest satisfied with the present. We anticipate the future as too slow in coming, as if in order to hasten its course; or we recall the past, to stop its too rapid flight.''' So imprudent are we that '''we wander in the times which are not ours, and do not think of the only one which belongs to us'''; and so idle are we that we dream of those times which are no more, and thoughtlessly overlook that which alone exists. For the present is generally painful to us. We conceal it from our sight, because it troubles us; and if it be delightful to us, we regret to see it pass away. We try to sustain it by the future, and think of arranging matters which are not in our power, for a time which we have no certainty of reaching. Let each one examine his thoughts, and he will find them all occupied with the past and the future. We scarcely ever think of the present; and if we think of it, it is only to take light from it to arrange the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means; the future alone is our end. So '''we never live, but we hope to live; and, as we are always preparing to be happy, it is inevitable we should never be so.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_172 172] * They say that eclipses foretoken misfortune, because misfortunes are common, so that, as evil happens so often, they often foretell it; whereas if they said that they predict good fortune, they would often be wrong. They attribute good fortune only to rare conjunctions of the heavens; so they seldom fail in prediction. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_173 173] * '''We know ourselves so little, that many think they are about to die when they are well, and many think they are well when they are near death'''... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_175 175] * '''The great and the humble have the same misfortunes, the same griefs, the same passions; but the one is at the top of the wheel, and the other near the center, and so less disturbed by the same revolutions.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_180 180] * Anyone who found the secret of rejoicing when things go well without being annoyed when they go badly would have found the point. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_181 181] * '''We run carelessly to the precipice, after we have put something before us to prevent us seeing it.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_183 183] === Section III: On the Necessity of the Wager (184-241) === * '''Make religion attractive, make good men wish it were true, and then show that it is.''' Worthy of reverence because it really understands human nature. Attractive because it promises true good. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_187 187] * ...'''it is a great evil thus to be in doubt, but it is at least an indispensable duty to seek when we are in such doubt'''; and thus the doubter who does not seek is altogether completely unhappy and completely wrong. And if besides this he is easy and content, professes to be so, and indeed boasts of it; if it is this state itself which is the subject of his joy and vanity, I have no words to describe so silly a creature. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * Nothing is so important to man as his own state, nothing is so formidable to him as eternity; and thus it is not natural that there should be men indifferent to the loss of their existence, and to the perils of everlasting suffering. They are quite different with regard to all other things. '''They are afraid of mere trifles; they foresee them; they feel them. And this same man who spends so many days and nights in rage and despair for the loss of office, or for some imaginary insult to his honor, is the very one who knows without anxiety and without emotion that he will lose all by death.''' It is a monstrous thing to see in the same heart and at the same time this sensibility to trifles and this strange insensibility to the greatest objects. It is an incomprehensible enchantment, and a supernatural slumber, which indicates as its cause an all-powerful force. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * ...the only way to succeed in this life is to make ourselves appear honorable, faithful, judicious, and capable of useful service to a friend; because naturally men love only what may be useful to them. Now, what do we gain by hearing it said of a man that he has now thrown off the yoke, that he does not believe there is a God who watches our actions, that he considers himself the sole master of his conduct, and that he thinks he is accountable for it only to himself? Does he think that he has thus brought us to have henceforth complete confidence in him, and to look to him for consolation, advice, and help in every need of life? '''Do they profess to have delighted us by telling us that they hold our soul to be only a little wind and smoke, especially by telling us this in a haughty and self-satisfied tone of voice? Is this a thing to say gaily? Is it not, on the contrary, a thing to say sadly, as the saddest thing in the world'''? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * If, at the bottom of their heart, they are troubled at not having more light, let them not disguise the fact; this avowal will not be shameful. '''The only shame is to have none.''' Nothing reveals more an extreme weakness of mind than not to know the misery of a godless man. Nothing is more indicative of a bad disposition of heart than not to desire the truth of eternal promises. '''Nothing is more dastardly than to act with bravado before God.''' Let them then leave these impieties to those who are sufficiently ill-bred to be really capable of them. Let them at least be honest men, if they cannot be Christians. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * ...'''there are two kinds of people one can call reasonable; those who serve God with all their heart because they know Him, and those who seek Him with all their heart because they do not know Him.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * But as for those who live without knowing Him and without seeking Him... this religion obliges us always to regard them, so long as they are in this life, as capable of the grace which can enlighten them... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * ...for those who bring to the task perfect sincerity and a real desire to meet with truth, those I hope will be satisfied and convinced of the proofs of a religion so divine, which I have here collected, and in which I have followed somewhat after this order... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * ...'''it is not to be doubted that the duration of this life is but a moment; that the state of death is eternal''', whatever may be its nature; and that thus all our actions and thoughts must take such different directions according to the state of that eternity, that it is impossible to take one step with sense and judgment, unless we regulate our course by the truth of that point which ought to be our ultimate end. ...thus, according to the principles of reason, the conduct of men is wholly unreasonable, if they do not take another course. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_195 195] * Men lack heart; they would not make a friend of it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_196 196] * '''The sensibility of man to trifles, and his insensibility to great things, indicates a strange inversion.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_198 198] * '''Let us imagine a number of men in chains, and all condemned to death, where some are killed each day in the sight of the others, and those who remain see their own fate in that of their fellows, and wait their turn, looking at each other sorrowfully and without hope. It is an image of the condition of men.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_199 199] * '''That passion may not harm us, let us act as if we had only eight hours to live.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_203 203] * When I consider the short duration of my life, swallowed up in the eternity before and after, the little space which I fill, and even can see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of spaces of which I am ignorant, and which know me not, I am frightened, and am astonished at being here rather than there; for there is no reason why here rather than there, why now rather than then. Who has put me here? By whose order and direction have this place and time been allotted to me? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_205 205] * ''Le silence éternel de ces espaces infinis m'effraie.'' ** The eternal silence of these infinite spaces frightens me. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_206 206] ** The eternal silence of these infinite spaces terrifies me. [Variant Translation] * ''Combien de royaumes nous ignorent!'' ** How many kingdoms know us not! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_207 207] * Why is my [[knowledge]] limited? Why my stature? Why my life to one hundred years rather than to a thousand? What reason has nature had for giving me such, and for choosing this number rather than another in the infinity of those from which there is no more reason to choose one than another, trying nothing else? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_208 208] * Art thou less a slave by being loved and favoured by thy master? Thou art indeed well off, slave. Thy master favours thee; he will soon beat thee. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_209 209] * ''Le dernier acte est sanglant, quelque belle que soit la comédie en tout le reste. On jette enfin de la terre sur la tête, et en voilà pour jamais.'' * '''The last act is tragic, however happy all the rest of the play is; at the last a little earth is thrown upon our head, and that is the end for ever.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_210 210] * We are fools to depend upon the society of our fellow-men. Wretched as we are, powerless as we are, they will not aid us; we shall die alone. We should therefore act as if we were alone, and in that case should we build fine houses, etc.? We should seek the truth without hesitation; and, if we refuse it, we show that we value the esteem of men more than the search for truth. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_211 211] * It is a horrible thing to feel all that we possess slipping away. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_212 212] * ''Entre nous, et l'enfer ou le ciel, il n'y a que la vie entre deux, qui est la chose du monde la plus fragile.'' ** '''Between us and heaven or hell there is only life, which is the frailest thing in the world.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_213 213] * That presumption should be joined to meanness is extreme injustice. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_214 214] * Dungeon.—I approve of not examining the opinion of [[Nicolaus_Copernicus|Copernicus]]; but this...! It concerns all our life to know whether the soul be mortal or immortal. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_218 218] * ''Atheists''.—'''What reason have they for saying that we cannot rise from the dead? What is more difficult, to be born or to rise again; that what has never been should be, or that what has been should be again?''' Is it more difficult to come into existence than to return to it? Habit makes the one appear easy to us; want of habit makes the other impossible. A popular way of thinking! Why cannot a virgin bear a child? Does a hen not lay eggs without a cock? What distinguishes these outwardly from others? And who has told us that the hen may not form the germ as well as the cock? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_222 222] * If you care but little to know the truth, here is enough of it to leave you in repose. But if you desire with all your heart to know it, it is not enough; look at it in detail. This would be sufficient for a question in philosophy; but not here, where it concerns your all. And yet, after a trifling reflection of this kind, we go to amuse ourselves, etc. Let us inquire of this same religion whether it does not give a reason for this obscurity; perhaps it will teach it to us. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_226 226] * What ought I to do? I see only darkness everywhere. Shall I believe I am nothing? Shall I believe I am God? "All things change and succeed each other." You are mistaken... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_227 227] * This is what I see and what troubles me. I look on all sides, and I see only darkness everywhere. Nature presents to me nothing which is not matter of doubt and concern. If I saw nothing there which revealed a Divinity, I would come to a negative conclusion; if I saw everywhere the signs of a Creator, I would remain peacefully in faith. But, '''seeing too much to deny and too little to be sure, I am in a state to be pitied'''; wherefore I have a hundred times wished that if a God maintains nature, she should testify to Him unequivocally, and that, if the signs she gives are deceptive, she should suppress them altogether; that she should say everything or nothing, that I might see which cause I ought to follow. Whereas in my present state, ignorant of what I am or of what I ought to do, I know neither my condition nor my duty. '''My heart inclines wholly to know where is the true good, in order to follow it; nothing would be too dear to me for eternity'''. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_229 229] * '''It is incomprehensible that God should exist, and it is incomprehensible that He should not exist; that the soul should be joined to the body, and that we should have no soul; that the world should be created, and that it should not be created''', etc.; that original sin should be, and that it should not be. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_230 230] * '''Do you believe it to be impossible that God is infinite, without parts?'''—Yes. '''I wish therefore to show you an infinite and indivisible thing. It is a point moving everywhere with an infinite velocity; for it is one in all places, and is all totality in every place. Let this effect of nature, which previously seemed to you impossible, make you know that there may be others of which you are still ignorant. Do not draw this conclusion from your experiment, that there remains nothing for you to know; but rather that there remains an infinity for you to know.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_231 231] * Infinite movement, the point which fills everything, the moment of rest; infinite without quantity, indivisible and infinite. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_232 232] * '''Our soul is cast into a body, where it finds number, time, dimension. Thereupon it reasons, and calls this nature, necessity, and can believe nothing else.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] * Unity joined to infinity adds nothing to it, no more than one foot to an infinite measure. '''The finite is annihilated in the presence of the infinite, and becomes a pure nothing. So our spirit before God, so our justice before divine justice.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] * '''We know that there is an infinite, and are ignorant of its nature.''' As we know it to be false that numbers are finite, it is therefore true that there is an infinity in number. But we do not know what it is. It is false that it is even, it is false that it is odd; for the addition of a unit can make no change in its nature. Yet it is a number, and every number is odd or even (this is certainly true of every finite number). So '''we may well know that there is a God without knowing what He is. Is there not one substantial truth, seeing there are so many things which are not the truth itself'''? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] * '''We know then the existence and nature of the finite, because we also are finite and have extension. We know the existence of the infinite, and are ignorant of its nature, because it has extension like us, but not limits like us. But we know neither the existence nor the nature of God, because He has neither extension nor limits.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] * Bless yourself with holy water, have Masses said, and so on; by a simple and natural process this will make you believe, and will dull you — will quiet your proudly critical intellect. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] * ''Oui, mais il faut parier. Cela n'est point volontaire, vous êtes embarqué. Lequel prendrez-vous donc? Voyons, puisqu'il faut choisir, voyons ce qui vous intéresse le moins. Vous avez deux choses à perdre, le vrai et le bien, et deux choses à engager, votre raison et votre volonté, votre connaissance et votre béatitude, et votre nature a deux choses à fuir, l'erreur et la misère. Votre raison n'est pas plus blessée, puisqu'il faut nécessairement choisir, en choisissant l'un que l'autre. Voilà un point vidé. Mais votre béatitude? Pesons le gain et la perte en prenant croix que Dieu est. Estimons ces deux cas: si vous gagnez, vous gagnez tout, et si vous perdez, vous ne perdez rien; gagez donc qu'il est sans hésiter.'' ** '''Yes; but you must wager. It is not optional.''' You are embarked. Which will you choose then? Let us see. Since you must choose, let us see which interests you least. You have two things to lose, the true and the good; and two things to stake, your reason and your will, your [[knowledge]] and your happiness; and your nature has two things to shun, error and misery. Your reason is no more shocked in choosing one rather than the other, since you must of necessity choose. This is one point settled. But your happiness? Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that God is. Let us estimate these two chances. '''If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation that He is.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] ** The summation known as [[w:Pascal's_Wager|Pascal's Wager]], this argument has been repeated by many Christian apologists and rebuked by other arguments, including the [[w:Argument from inconsistent revelations|argument from inconsistent revelations]]. ** Variant translations: ** '''If God does not exist, one will lose nothing by believing in him, while if he does exist, one will lose everything by not believing. ''' *** As quoted in ''What is this thing called knowledge?'' (2006) by Duncan Pritchard, p. 48 ** You must wager; it is not optional... Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that God exists... If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists. ** Let us weigh up the gain and loss involved in calling heads that God exists. Let us assess the two cases: if you win you win everything, if you lose you lose nothing. Do not hesitate then; wager that He does exist. * If we must not act save on a certainty, we ought not to act on religion, for it is not certain. But how many things we do on an uncertainty, sea voyages, battles! I say then we must do nothing at all, for nothing is certain, and that there is more certainty in religion than there is as to whether we may see to-morrow; for it is not certain that we may see to-morrow, and it is certainly possible that we may not see it. We cannot say as much about religion. It is not certain that it is; but who will venture to say that it is certainly possible that it is not? Now when we work for to-morrow, and so on an uncertainty, we act reasonably; for we ought to work for an uncertainty according to the doctrine of chance which was demonstrated above. ** 234 * According to the doctrine of chance, you ought to put yourself to the trouble of searching for the truth; for if you die without worshiping the True Cause, you are lost.—"But," say you, "if He had wished me to worship Him, He would have left me signs of His will."—He has done so; but you neglect them. Seek them, therefore; it is well worth it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_236 236] * "I would soon have renounced pleasure," say they, "had I faith." For my part I tell you, "You would soon have faith, if you renounced pleasure." Now, it is for you to begin. If I could, I would give you faith. I cannot do so, nor therefore test the truth of what you say. But you can well renounce pleasure, and test whether what I say is true. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_240 240] === Section IV: On the Means of the Belief (242-290) === * The knowledge of God is very far from the love of Him. ** [https://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_280 280] <!-- "An aphorism...must convince every reader that it is either universally true or true of every member of the class to which it refers, irrespective of the reader's convictions. To a Christian, for example, ''The knowledge of God is very far from the love of Him'' is a true statement about a defect in the relation between himself and God; to the unbeliever, it is a true statement about the psychology of religious belief." — W. H. Auden and Louis Kronenberger, ''The Viking Book of Aphorisms'' (1962) Foreword --> * Montaigne is wrong. Custom should be followed only because it is custom, and not because it is reasonable or just. But people follow it for this sole reason, that they think it just. Otherwise they would follow it no longer, although it were the custom; for they will only submit to reason or justice. ** [https://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_325 325] ** Reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919): **: Montaigne is wrong in declaring that custom ought to be followed simply because it is custom, and not because it is reasonable or just. * Faith indeed tells what the senses do not tell, but not the contrary of what they see. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_265 265] ** Variant: Faith declares what the senses do not see, but not the contrary of what they see. ** * '''Wisdom leads us back to childhood.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_271 271] ** Variant: Wisdom sends us to childhood: ''nisi efficiamini sicut parvuli''. <!-- O. W. Wright, ''The Thoughts, Letters and Opuscules of Blaise Pascal'' (New York: Derby and Jackson, 1859) p. 404 --> * '''Nothing is so conformable to reason as to disavow reason.''' ** ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_272 272] * ''Tout notre raisonnement se réduit à céder au sentiment.'' ** '''All our reasoning boils down to yielding to sentiment.''' ** ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_274 274] [[File:Love heart.jpg|thumb|right|The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know.]] * ''Le cœur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connaît point. On le sent en mille choses. C'est le cœur qui sent Dieu, et non la raison. Voilà ce que c'est que la foi parfaite, Dieu sensible au cœur.'' ** '''The heart has its reasons, which Reason does not know. We feel it in a thousand things. It is the heart which feels God, and not Reason. This, then, is perfect faith: God felt in the heart.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_277 277]; The first sentence is widely quoted in English as "The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of." ** ** Variant translations: ** The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing. We find this in a thousand instances. It is the heart which feels God, and not the reasoning powers. And this is faith made perfect : — God realized by feeling in the heart. * '''We know truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart, and it is in this last way that we know first principles; and reason, which has no part in it, tries in vain to impugn them.''' The sceptics, who have only this for their object, labour to no purpose. '''We know that we do not dream, and however impossible it is for us to prove it by reason, this inability demonstrates only the weakness of our reason, but not, as they affirm, the uncertainty of all our [[knowledge]].''' For the knowledge of first principles, as space, time, motion, number, is as sure as any of those which we get from reasoning. '''And reason must trust these intuitions of the heart, and must base them on every argument.''' (We have intuitive knowledge of the tri-dimensional nature of space, and of the infinity of number, and reason then shows that there are no two square numbers one of which is double of the other. '''Principles are intuited, propositions are inferred, all with certainty, though in different ways.''') And it is as useless and absurd for reason to demand from the heart proofs of her first principles, before admitting them, as it would be for the heart to demand from reason an intuition of all demonstrated propositions before accepting them. <br> This inability ought, then, to serve only to humble reason, which would judge all, but not to impugn our certainty, as if only reason were capable of instructing us. Would to God, on the contrary, that we had never need of it, and that we knew everything by instinct and intuition! But nature has refused us this boon. On the contrary, she has given us but very little knowledge of this kind; and all the rest can be acquired only by reasoning. <br> Therefore, those to whom God has imparted religion by intuition are very fortunate, and justly convinced. But to those who do not have it, we can give it only by reasoning, waiting for God to give them spiritual insight, without which faith is only human, and useless for salvation. **Variant translation: For knowledge of the first principles, like space, time, motion, number, is as solid as any derived through reason, and it is on such knowledge, coming from the heart and instinct, that reason has to depend and base all its arguments. *** ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_282 282] === Section V: Justice and the Reason of Effects (291-338) === * Why are you killing me for your own benefit? I am unarmed.' 'Why, do you not live on the other side of the water? My friend, if you lived on this side, I should be a murderer, but since you live on the other side, I am a brave man and it is right.' ** Variant: "Why do you kill me? What! do you not live on the other side of the water? If you lived on this side, my friend, I should be an assassin, and it would be unjust to slay you in this manner. But since you live on the other side, I am a hero, and it is just." ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_293 293] * Doubtless there are natural laws; but good reason once corrupted has corrupted all. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_294 294] ** '''There no doubt exist natural laws, but once this fine reason of ours was corrupted, it corrupted everything.''' [Variant Translation] * A strange justice that is bounded by a river! Truth on this side of the Pyrenees, error on the other side. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_294 294] ** '''It is a funny sort of justice whose limits are marked by a river; truth on this side of the Pyrenees, error on the other.''' [Variant Translation] * '''Justice without might is helpless; might without justice is tyrannical.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_298 298] * Equality of possessions is no doubt right, but, as men could not make might obey right, they have made right obey might. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_299 299] * Justice is as much a matter of fashion as charm is. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_309 309] * ''Mais c'est une ignorance savante qui se connaît.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_327 327] ** Translation: It is a wise ignorance which knows itself. ** Translation: A learned ignorance which is conscious of itself. * Nothing is surer than that the people will be weak. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_330 330] * '''One must have deeper motives and judge everything accordingly, but go on talking like an ordinary person.''' ** ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_336 336] === Section VI: The Philosophers (339-424) === * '''I cannot imagine a man without thought; he would be a stone or an animal.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_339 339] * The [[arithmetical machine]] produces effects which approach nearer to thought than all the actions of animals. But it does nothing which would enable us to attribute [[w:Volition_(psychology)|will]] to it, as to the animals. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_340 340] * Instinct and reason, marks of two natures. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_344 344] * '''Reason commands us far more than imperiously than a master; for in disobeying''' the one we are unfortunate, and in disobeying the other '''we are fools.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_345 345] * '''Thought constitutes the greatness of man.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_346 346] * ''L'homme n'est qu'un roseau, le plus faible de la nature; mais c'est un roseau pensant. Il ne faut pas que l’univers entier s’arme pour l’écraser : une vapeur, une goutte d’eau suffit pour le tuer. Mais quand l’univers l’écraserait, l’homme serait encore plus noble que ce qui le tue, parce qu’il sait qu’il meurt, et l’avantage que l’univers a sur lui, l’univers n’en sait rien. Ainsi toute notre dignité consiste dans la pensée. C'est de là qu'il faut nous relever, non de l'espace et de la durée. Travaillons donc à bien penser. voilà le principe de la morale.'' (Pascal, ''Pensées,'' ed.Ch.M des Granges, Garnier, Paris, 1964, no.347 p. 162) ** '''Man is but a reed, the most feeble thing in nature; but he is a thinking reed. The entire universe need not arm itself to crush him. A vapour, a drop of water suffices to kill him. But, if the universe were to crush him, man would still be more noble than that which killed him, because he knows that he dies and the advantage which the universe has over him; the universe knows nothing of this. All our dignity consists, then, in thought. By it we must elevate ourselves, and not by space and time which we cannot fill. Let us endeavour, then, to think well; this is the principle of morality.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_347 347] * It is not from space that I must seek my dignity, but from the government of my thought. I shall have no more if I possess worlds. By space the universe encompasses and swallows me up like an atom; by thought I comprehend the world. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_348 348] ** It is not in space that I must seek my human dignity, but in the ordering of my thought. It will do me no good to own land. '''Through space the universe grasps me and swallows me up like a speck; through thought I grasp it.''' [Variant Translation] * ''Immateriality of the soul.''—'''Philosophers who have mastered their passions. What matter could do that?''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_349 349] * '''Those great spiritual efforts, which the soul sometimes assays, are things on which it does not lay hold. It only leaps to''' [toward] '''them''', not as upon a throne, for ever, but '''merely for an instant.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_351 351] * The strength of a man's virtue must not be measured by his efforts, but by his ordinary life. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_352 352] * '''We do not display greatness by going to one extreme, but in touching both at once, and filling all the intervening space. But perhaps this is only a sudden movement of the soul from one to the other extreme, and in fact it is ever at one point only, as in the case of a [[wiktionary:firebrand|firebrand]].''' ...at least this indicates agility, if not expanse of soul. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_353 353] * '''Continuous eloquence wearies.''' ...Grandeur must be abandoned to be appreciated. Continuity in everything is unpleasant. ...'''Nature acts by progress, ''itus et reditus''. It goes and returns''', then advances further, then twice as much backwards, then more forward than ever, etc. The tide of the sea behaves in the same manner; and so apparently does the sun in its course. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_355 355] * '''The nourishment of the body is little by little. Fullness of nourishment and smallness of substance.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_356 356] * '''When we would pursue virtues to their extremes on either side, vices present themselves''' insensibly there, in their insensible journeys towards the infinitely little; and vices present themselves in a crowd towards the infinitely great, '''so that we lose ourselves in them, and no longer see virtues.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_357 357] * '''We find fault with perfection itself.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_357 357] * ''L'homme n'est ni ange ni bête, et le malheur veut que qui veut faire l'ange fait la bête''. ** Man is neither angel nor brute, and the unfortunate thing is that '''he who would act the angel acts the brute.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_358 358] * '''We do not sustain ourselves in virtue by our own strength, but by the balancing of two opposed vices''', just as we remain upright amidst two contrary gales. '''Remove one of the vices, and we fall into the other.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_359 359] * '''''Thought''.'''—All the dignity of man consists in thought. Thought is therefore by its nature a wonderful and incomparable thing. It must have strange defects to be contemptible. But it has such, so that nothing is more ridiculous. '''How great it is in its nature! How vile it is in its defects!''' But what is this thought? How foolish it is! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_365 365] ** Thought constitutes the greatness of man. [Variant Translation] * '''The power of flies'''; they win battles, hinder our soul from acting, eat our body. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_367 367] * When it is said that heat is only the motion of certain molecules, and light the ''conatus recedendi'' [attempts to recede] which we feel, it astonishes us. ...'''The sensation from the fire, the warmth''' which affects us in a manner wholly different from touch, '''the reception of sound and light,''' all this appears to us mysterious, and yet '''it is material like the blow of a stone.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_368 368] * Memory is necessary for all the operations of reason. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_369 369] * '''Chance gives rise to thoughts, and chance removes them; no art can keep or acquire them. A thought has escaped me. I wanted to write it down. I write instead, that it has escaped me.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_370 370] * I constantly forget. This is as instructive to me as my forgotten thought; for '''I strive only to know my nothingness'''. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_372 372] * '''''Scepticism''.'''—I shall here write my thoughts without order, and not perhaps in unintentional confusion; that is the true order, which will always indicate my object by its very disorder. '''I should do too much honor to my subject, if I treated it with order, since I want to show that it is incapable of it.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_373 373] * '''What astonishes me most is to see that all the world is not astonished at its own weakness.''' ...But it is well that there are so many people in the world, who are not sceptics for the glory of scepticism, in order to show that '''man is''' quite '''capable of the most extravagant opinions,''' since he is capable '''of believing that he is not in a state of natural and inevitable weakness, but, on the contrary, of natural wisdom.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_374 374] * '''I have seen changes in all nations and men, and thus after many changes of judgement regarding true justice, I have recognized that our nature was but in continual change''', and I have not changed since; and if I changed, I would confirm my opinion. The sceptic [[w:Arcesilaus|Arcesilaus]], who became a dogmatist. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_375 375] * '''This sect derives more strength from its enemies than from its friends'''; for the weakness of man is far more evident in those who know it not than in those who know it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_376 376] * Discourses on humility are a source of pride in the vain, and of humility in the humble. So those on scepticism cause believers to affirm. '''Few men speak humbly of humility, chastely of chastity, few doubtingly of scepticism.''' We are only falsehood, duplicity, contradiction; '''we both conceal and disguise ourselves from ourselves.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_377 377] ** Man is only a disguise, a liar, a hypocrite, both to himself and to others. [Variant Translation] * ''Scepticism''.—'''Excess, like defect of intellect, is accused of madness. Nothing is good but mediocrity.''' The majority has settled that, and finds fault with him who escapes it at whatever end, I will not oppose it. I quite consent to put myself there, and refuse to be at the lower end, not because it is low, but because it is an end; for I would likewise refuse to be placed at the top. '''To leave the mean is to abandon humanity. The greatness of the human soul consists in knowing how to preserve the mean.''' So far from greatness consisting in leaving it, it consists in not leaving it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_378 378] * It is not good to have too much liberty. It is not good to have all one wants. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_379 379] * '''All good maxims are in the world. We only need apply them.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_380 380] * '''It is true that there must be inequality among men; but if this be conceded, the door is opened''' not only to the highest power, but '''to the highest tyranny.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_380 380] * We must relax our minds a little; but this opens the door to debauchery. '''Let us mark the limits. There are no limits in things.''' Laws would put them there, and the mind cannot suffer it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_380 380] * When we are too young, we do not judge well; so, also, when we are too old. If we do not think enough, or if we think too much on any matter, we get obstinate and infatuated about it. If one considers one's work immediately after having done it, one is entirely prepossessed in its favour; by delaying too long, one can no longer enter into the spirit of it. So '''with pictures''' seen from too far or too near; '''there is but one exact point which is the true place wherefrom to look at them: the rest are too near, too far, too high, or too low. Perspective determines that point in the art of painting. But who shall determine it in truth and morality?''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_381 381] ** If we look at our work immediately after completing it, we are still too involved; if too long afterwards, we cannot pick up the thread again. [Variant Translation] * '''When all is equally agitated, nothing appears to be agitated, as in a ship.''' When all tend to debauchery, none appears to do so. '''He who stops draws attention to the excess of others, like a fixed point.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_382 382] * The licentious tell men of orderly lives that they stray from nature's path, while they themselves follow it; as people in a ship think those move who are on the shore. On all sides the language is similar. '''We must have a fixed point in order to judge. The harbour decides for those who are in a ship; but where shall we find a harbour in morality?''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_383 383] * Contradiction is a bad sign of truth; several things which are certain are contradicted; several things which are false pass without contradiction. '''Contradiction is not a sign of falsity, nor the want of contradiction a sign of truth.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_384 384] * ''Scepticism''.—Each thing here is partly true and partly false. Essential truth is not so; it is altogether pure and altogether true. This mixture dishonors and annihilates it. ...You will say it is true that homicide is wrong. Yes; for we know well the wrong and the false. ...Not to kill? No; for lawlessness would be horrible, and the wicked would kill all the good. To kill? No; for that destroys nature. '''We possess truth and goodness only in part, and mingled with falsehood and evil.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_385 385] * If we dreamt the same thing every night, it would affect us as much as the objects we see every day. And '''if the artisan were sure to dream every night for twelve hours' duration that he was king, I believe he would be almost as happy as a king, who should dream every night that he was an artisan.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_386 386] * '''Life is a dream a little less inconstant.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_386 386] * ''Il n'est pas certain que tout soit incertain.'' ** '''It is not certain that everything is uncertain.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_387 387] * ...'''we cannot define these things without obscuring them, while we speak of them with all assurance. ...our doubts cannot take away all the clearness, nor our own natural lights chase away all the darkness.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_392 392] * ...logicians. It seems that their license must be without any limits or barriers, since they have broken through so many that are so just and sacred. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_393 393] * All the principles of skeptics, stoics, atheists, etc., are true. But their conclusions are false, because the opposite principles are also true. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_394 394] * '''We have an incapacity of proof, insurmountable by all dogmatism. We have an idea of truth, invincible to all skepticism.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_395 395] * Two things instruct man about his whole nature; instinct and experience. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_396 396] * The greatness of man is great in that he knows himself to be miserable. A tree does not know itself to be miserable. It is then being miserable to know oneself to be miserable; but it is also being great to know that one is miserable. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_397 397] ** The grandeur of man is great in that he knows himself to be miserable. [Variant Translation] * ...we cannot endure being despised, or not being esteemed by any soul; and all the happiness of men consists in this esteem. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_400 400] * ''Les bêtes ne s'admirent point. Un cheval n'admire point son compagnon'' ** Translation: Animals do not admire one another. A horse does not admire his companion. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=3jQ2AQAAMAAJ&&q=%22Les+b%C3%AAtes+ne+s'admirent+point+Un+cheval+n'admire+point+son+compagnon%22&pg=PA304#v=onepage 401] * Who is unhappy at having only one mouth? And who is not unhappy at having only one eye? Probably no man ever ventured to mourn at not having three eyes. But any one is inconsolable at having none. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_409 409] * '''Notwithstanding the sight of all our miseries, which press upon us and take us by the throat, we have an instinct which we cannot repress, and which lifts us up.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_411 411] * '''There is internal war in man between reason and the passions. If he had only reason without passions. If he had only passions without reason. But having both, he cannot be without strife, being unable to be at peace with the one without being at war with the other. Thus he is always divided against, and opposed to himself.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_412 412] * This internal war of reason against the passions has made a division of those who would have peace into two sects. The first would renounce their passions, and become gods; the others would renounce reason, and become brute beasts. But neither can do so, and reason still remains, to condemn the vileness and injustice of the passions, and to trouble the repose of those who abandon themselves to them; and the passions keep always alive in those who would renounce them. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_413 413] * '''Men are so necessarily mad, that not to be mad would amount to another form of madness.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_414 414] * This twofold nature of man is so evident that some have thought that we had two souls. A single subject seemed to them incapable of such sudden variations from unmeasured presumption to a dreadful dejection of heart. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_417 417] * '''Man must not think that he is on a level either with the brutes or with the angels, nor must he be ignorant of both sides of his nature; but he must know both.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_418 418] *'''S’il se vante, je l’abaisse ; s’il s’abaisse, je le vante, et le contredis toujours, jusqu’à ce qu’il comprenne, qu’il est un monstre incompréhensible.''' [//fr.wikisource.org/wiki/Page%3APascal_-_Pensées%2C_édition_de_Port-Royal%2C_1670.djvu/249] **Translation: If [Man] exalt himself, I humble him, if he humble himself, I exalt him; and [I] always contradict him, until he understands that he is an incomprehensible monster. * I blame equally those who choose to praise man, those who choose to blame him, and those who choose to amuse themselves; and I can only approve of those who seek with lamentation. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_421 421] * '''It is good to be tired and wearied by the vain search after the true good, that we may stretch out our arms to the Redeemer.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_422 422] === Section VII: Morality and Doctrine (425-555) === * All these examples of wretchedness prove his greatness. It is the wretchedness of a great lord, the wretchedness of a dispossessed king. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_425 425] * ''Qu’est-ce donc que nous crie cette avidité et cette impuissance, sinon qu’il y a eu autrefois en l’homme un véritable bonheur dont il ne lui reste maintenant que la marque et la trace toute vide, qu’il essaye inutilement de remplir de tout ce qui l’environne, en cherchant dans les choses absentes le secours qu’il n’obtient pas des présentes, et que les unes et les autres sont incapables de lui donner, parce que ce gouffre infini ne peut être rempli que par un objet infini et immuable, c'est-à-dire que par Dieu même.'' ( ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_425 425]) ** What does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object, in other words by God himself. [[File:Blaise Pascal Versailles.JPG|thumb|There is enough light for those who only desire to see, and enough obscurity for those who have a contrary disposition.]] * '''In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.''' ** Variant translation: There is enough light for those who only desire to see, and enough obscurity for those who have a contrary disposition. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_430 430] * ''Qui sait si cette autre moitié de la vie où nous pensons veiller n'est pas un autre sommeil un peu différent du premier.'' ** Who knows if this other half of life where we think we're awake is not another sleep a little different from the first. ** who knows whether the other half of our life, in which we think we are awake, is not another sleep a little different from the former, from which we awake when we suppose ourselves asleep? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_434 434] [Variant Translation] * What a chimera then is man! What a novelty! What a monster, what a chaos, what a contradiction, what a prodigy! Judge of all things, imbecile worm of the earth; depositary of truth, a sink of uncertainty and error; the pride and refuse of the universe! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_434 434] ** What a Chimera is man! What a novelty, a monster, a chaos, a contradiction, a prodigy! Judge of all things, an imbecile worm of the earth; depository of truth, and sewer of error and doubt; the glory and refuse of the universe. [Variant Translation] * ''Le moi est haïssable''. * Self is hateful. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_455 455] ** '''The self is hateful.''' [Variant Translation] * '''Man is so made that if he is told often enough that he is a fool he believes it.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_535 535] === Section VIII: The Fundamentals of the Christian Religion (556-588) === * ...religion must so be the object and center to which all things tend, that whoever knows the principles of religion can give an explanation both of the whole nature of man in particular, and of the whole course of the world in general. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_555 555] * We understand nothing of the works of God unless we take it as a principle that He wishes to blind some and to enlighten others. ** 565 === Section IX: Perpetuity (589-641) === * Rivers are highways that move on, and bear us whither we wish to go. ** Reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919). *''Différence entre J.-C. et Mahomet. Mahomet non prédit, J.-C. prédit. Mahomet en tuant, J.-C. en faisant tuer les siens. Mahomet en défendant de lire, les apôtres en ordonnant de lire. Enfin cela est si contraire que si Mahomet a pris la voie de réussir humainement, J.-C. a pris celle de périr humainement et qu'au lieu de conclure que puisque Mahomet a réussi, J.-C. a bien pu réussir, il faut dire que puisque Mahomet a réussi, J.-C. devait périr.'' **The difference between [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] and [[Muhammad|Mahomet]]. — Mahomet was not foretold; Jesus Christ was foretold. <br> Mahomet slew; Jesus Christ caused His own to be slain. <br> Mahomet forbade reading; the Apostles ordered reading. <br> In fact the two are so opposed, that if Mahomet took the way to succeed from a worldly point of view, Jesus Christ, from the same point of view, took the way to perish. And instead of concluding that, since Mahomet succeeded, Jesus Christ might well have succeeded, we ought to say that since Mahomet succeeded, Jesus Christ should have failed. ** ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_598 598] === Section X: [[w:Typology_(theology)|Typology]] (642-692) === * ''Surge''. God, wishing to show that He could form a people holy with an invisible holiness, and fill them with an eternal glory, made visible things. As nature is an image of grace, He has done in the bounties of nature what He would do in those of grace, in order that we might judge that He could make the invisible, since He made the visible excellently. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_642 642] * '''The ordinary life of men is like that of the saints. They all seek their satisfaction, and differ only in the object in which they place it... God has then shown the power which He has of giving invisible blessings, by that which He has shown Himself to have over things visible.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_642 642] * The law was [[w:Literal_and_figurative_language|figurative]]. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_646 646] * '''Two errors: 1. To take everything literally. 2. To take everything spiritually.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_647 647] * The clearness in divine things requires us to revere the obscurities in them. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_649 649] * ''Particular Types''.—A double law, double tables of the law, a double temple, a double captivity. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_651 651] * In God the word does not differ from the intention, for He is true; nor the word from the effect, for He is powerful; nor the means from the effect, for He is wise. Bern., ''ult sermo in Missam''. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_653 653] * [[Augustine_of_Hippo|Augustine]], ''De civitate Dei'', v. 10. This rule is general. God can do everything, except those things, which if He could do, He would not be almighty, as dying, being deceived, lying, &c. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_653 653] * The six ages, the six Fathers of the six ages, the six wonders at the beginning of the six ages, the six mornings at the beginning of the six ages. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_654 654] * '''The symbols of the Gospel for the state of the sick soul are sick bodies; but because one body cannot be sick enough to express it well, several have been needed.''' Thus there are the deaf, the dumb, the blind, the paralytic, the dead Lazarus, the possessed. All this crowd is in the sick soul. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_657 657] * ''Types''.—To show that '''the Old Testament is only [[w:Literal_and_figurative_language|figurative]]''', and that '''the prophets understood by [[wiktionary:temporal#English|temporal]] blessings [[w:Divinity|other blessings]]''', this is the proof: First, that this would be unworthy of God. Secondly, that their discourses express very clearly the promise of temporal blessings, and that they say nevertheless that their discourses are obscure, and that their meaning will not be understood. Whence it appears that this secret meaning was not that which they openly expressed, and that consequently they meant to speak of other sacrifices, of another deliverer, etc. They say that they will be understood only in the fullness of time. The third proof is that their discourses are contradictory, and neutralize each other; so that if we think that they did not mean by the words "law" and "sacrifice" anything else than that of Moses, there is a plain and gross contradiction. Therefore they meant something else, sometimes contradicting themselves in the same chapter. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_658 658] * Lust has become natural to us, and has made our second nature. Thus there are two natures in us—the one good, the other bad. '''Where is God? Where you are not, and the kingdom of God is within you.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_659 659] * "The Messiah," said they, "abideth for ever, and this man says that he shall die." Therefore they believed Him neither mortal nor eternal; they only sought in Him for a carnal greatness. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_661 661] ** John xii, 34. * "If the light be darkness, how great is that darkness!" ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_664 664] ** Matthew vi, 23. * Sinners lick the dust, that is to say, love earthly pleasures. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_665 665] ** Ps. lxxii, 9. * The Old Testament contained the types of future joy, and the New contains the means of arriving at it. The types were of joy; the means of penitence; and nevertheless the [[w:Korban_Pesach|Paschal Lamb]] was eaten with [[w:Marror|bitter herbs]], ''[[wiktionary:cum#Latin|cum]] [[wiktionary:amaritudo#Latin|amaritudinibus]]''. * The world having grown old in these carnal errors, Jesus Christ came at the time foretold, but not with the expected glory; and thus men did not think it was He. After His death, '''[[Paul the Apostle|Saint Paul]] came to teach men that all these things had happened in [[w:Allegory|allegory]]; that the kingdom of God did not consist in the flesh, but in the spirit; that the enemies of men were not the Babylonians, but the passions; that God delighted not in temples made with hands, but in a pure and contrite heart; that the circumcision of the body was unprofitable, but that of the heart was needed'''... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_669 669] * But God, not having desired to reveal these things to this people who were unworthy of them, and having nevertheless desired to foretell them, in order that they might be believed, foretold the time clearly, and expressed the things sometimes clearly, but very often in figures, in order that those who loved symbols might consider them, and those who loved what was symbolized might see it therein. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_669 669] * '''All that tends not to charity is [[w:Literal_and_figurative_language|figurative]]. The sole aim of the Scripture is [[w:Charity_(virtue)|charity]].''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_669 669] * '''All which tends not to the sole end is the [[w:Typology_(theology)|type]] of it. For since there is only one end, all which does not lead to it in express terms is figurative.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_669 669] * And Christians take even the [[w:Eucharist|Eucharist]] as a type of the glory at which they aim. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_669 669] * '''The type has been made according to the truth, and the truth has been recognized according to the type.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_672 672] * '''For the visible blessings which they received from God were so great and so divine, that He indeed appeared able to give them those that are invisible, and a Messiah.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_674 674] * For nature is an image of Grace, and visible miracles are images of the invisible. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_674 674] * In these promises each one finds what he has most at heart, temporal benefits or spiritual, God or the creatures; but with this difference, that those who therein seek the creatures find them, but with many contradictions, with a prohibition against loving them, with the command to worship God only, and to love Him only, which is the same thing... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_674 674] * A type conveys absence and presence, pleasure and pain. A cipher has a double meaning, one clear, and one in which it is said that the meaning is hidden. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_676 676] * A cipher has two meanings. ...the more so if we find obvious contradictions in the literal meaning? The prophets have clearly said... that their meaning would not be understood, and that it was veiled. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_677 677] * How greatly then ought we to value those who interpret the cipher, and teach us to understand the hidden meaning, especially if the principles which they educe are perfectly clear and natural! '''This is what Jesus Christ did, and the Apostles. They broke the seal; He rent the veil, and revealed the spirit. They have taught us through this that the enemies of man are his passions'''; that the Redeemer would be spiritual, and His reign spiritual; that '''there would be two [[wiktionary:advent#English|advents]], one in lowliness to humble the proud, the other in glory to exalt the humble'''; that Jesus Christ would be both God and man. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_677 677] * Two great revelations are these. (1) All things happened to them in types: vere Israëlitæ, vere liberi, true bread from Heaven. (2) A God humbled to the Cross. '''It was necessary that Christ should suffer in order to enter into glory, "that He should destroy death through death." Two [[w:Second Coming of Christ|advents]].''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_678 678] * ''Types''.—When once this secret is disclosed, it is impossible not to see it. Let us read the Old Testament in this light, and let us see if the sacrifices were real; if the fatherhood of Abraham was the true cause of the friendship of God; and if the promised land was the true place of rest. No. They are therefore types. '''Let us in the same way examine all those ordained ceremonies, all those commandments which are not of charity, and we shall see that they are types.''' All these sacrifices and ceremonies were then either types or nonsense. Now these are things too clear, and too lofty, to be thought nonsense. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_679 679] * To know if the prophets confined their view in the Old Testament, or saw therein other things. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_679 679] * ''Typical''.—The key of the cipher. ''Veri adoratores.—Ecce agnus Dei qui tollit peccata mundi.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_680 680] ** ''Veri adoratores'' meaning true worshipers ''from John iv, 23: But the hour is coming, and it is now, when true worshipers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth''. ** ''Ecce agnus etc.'' meaning Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world ''from John i, 29: as John saw Jesus coming toward him''. * ''Types''.—'''The letter kills. All happened in types.''' Here is the cipher which Saint Paul gives us. Christ must suffer. An humiliated God. Circumcision of the heart, true fasting, true sacrifice, a true temple. The prophets have shown that all these must be spiritual. Not the meat which perishes, but that which does not perish. "Ye shall be free indeed." Then the other freedom was only a type of freedom. "I am the true bread from Heaven." ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_682 682] ** "Ye shall be free indeed."—John viii, 36 ** "I am the true bread from Heaven."—John vi, 32. * ''Contradiction''. ...Thus, to understand Scripture, we must have a meaning in which all the contrary passages are reconciled. ...We must then seek for a meaning which reconciles all discrepancies. ...If we take the law, the sacrifices, and the kingdom as realities, we cannot reconcile all the passages. They must then necessarily be only types. We cannot even reconcile the passages of the same author, nor of the same book, nor sometimes of the same chapter, which indicates copiously what was the meaning of the author. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_683 683] * Do all these passages indicate what is real? No. Do they then indicate what is typical? No, but what is either real or typical. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_684 684] * ''Contradictions''.— ...The eternal law—changed. The eternal covenant—a new covenant. Good laws—bad precepts. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_685 685] * '''When the word of God, which is really true, is false literally, it is true spiritually.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_686 686] * If one of two persons, who are telling silly stories, uses language with a double meaning, understood in his own circle, while the other uses it with only one meaning, any one not in the secret, who hears them both talk in this manner, will pass upon them the same judgment. But if afterwords, in the rest of their conversation one says angelic things, and the other always dull commonplaces, he will judge that the one spoke in mysteries, and not the other; the one having sufficiently shown that he is incapable of such foolishness, and capable of being mysterious; and the other that he is incapable of mystery, and capable of foolishness. The Old Testament is a cipher. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_690 690] * There are some that see clearly that man has no other enemy than lust, which turns him from God, and not God; and that he has no other good than God, and not a rich land. Let those who believe that the good of man is in the flesh, and evil in what turns him away from sensual pleasures, [satiate] themselves with them, and [die] in them. ...I shall make them see that a Messiah has been promised, who should deliver them from their enemies, and that One has come to free them from their iniquities, but not from their enemies. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_691 691] ** '''There are those who clearly perceive, that man has no enemy but the propensity to evil which draws him from God''', and that his only good must be God, and not earthly good. Let those who believe that sensual enjoyment constitutes man's chief good, and that its deprivation is the greatest evil that can befall him, indulge themselves without restraint, and perish in their excesses. ...A Messiah was promised, to deliver his people from their enemies: and a Messiah has come to deliver them, not from temporal enemies, but from their sins. [translator: Isaac Taylor, Esq., 1838] === Section XI: The Prophecies (693-736) === * '''When I see the blindness and the wretchedness of man, when I regard the whole silent universe, and man without light, left to himself''', and, as it were, '''lost''' in this corner of the universe, '''without knowing who has put him there, what he has come to do, what will become of him at death, and incapable of all [[knowledge]], I become terrified, like a man''' who should be carried in his sleep to a dreadful desert island, and should awaken without knowing where he is, and '''without means of escape. And thereupon I wonder how people in a condition so wretched do not fall into despair.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_692 692] * '''I see other persons''' around me of a like nature. I ask them if they are better informed than I am. They tell me that they are not. And thereupon '''these wretched and lost beings, having''' looked around them, and '''seen some pleasing objects, have given and attached themselves to them.''' For my own part, '''I have not been able to attach myself''' to them, '''and, considering how strongly it appears that there is something else than what I see, I have examined whether this God has not left a sign of Himself.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_692 692] * Every one can call himself a prophet. But I see the Christian religion wherein prophecies are fulfilled; and that is what every one cannot do. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_692 692] * Now, '''if the passions had no hold on us, a week and a hundred years would amount to the same.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_693 693] * It is glorious to see with the eyes of faith the history of Herod and Cæser. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_699 699] * ''Prophecies. Proofs of Divinity''.—Is. xli.: "Shew the things that are to come hereafter, that we may know that ye are gods: we will incline our heart unto your words. Teach us the things that have been at the beginning, and declare us things for to come. "By this we shall know that ye are gods. Yea, do good and do evil, if you can. Let us then behold it and reason together. Behold ye are of nothing, and only an abomination, &c. Who," (among contemporary writers), "hath declared from the beginning and origin? that we may say, You are righteous. There is none that teacheth us, yea, there is none that declareth the future." * It was foretold that, in the time of the Messiah, He should come to establish a new covenant, which should make them forget the escape from Egypt (Jer. xxiii, 5; Is. xliii, 10); that He should place His law not in externals, but in the heart; that He should put His fear, which had only been from without, in the midst of the heart. Who does not see the Christian law in all this? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_728 728] === Section XII: Proofs of Jesus Christ (737-802) === * A God humiliated, even to the death on the cross; a Messiah triumphing over death by his own death. Two natures in Jesus Christ, two advents, two states of man's nature. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_764 764] === Section XIII: The Miracles (803-856) === * Miracles and truth are necessary, because it is necessary to convince the entire man, in body and soul. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_805 805] === Section XIV: Appendix: Polemical Fragments (857-924) === * ''Jamais on ne fait le mal si pleinement et si gaiement, que quand on le fait par un faux principe de conscience.'' **Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. Perhaps we can better this translation. * This popular (since at least 1910) paraphrase most tellingly omits faux/false, and then translates "un faux principe de conscience" as "religious conviction." * An older translation is (Isaac Taylor, 1838): **Men never commit injustice so readily, and with so little concern, as when they act upon a faise principle of conscience. * More literally, a translation would be: **We never do evil so fully and so gayly, as when we do it by a false principle of conscience. (Google Translate) **Never do evil so fully and so gayely, as when we do it by a false principle of conscience. (Bing Translate) *** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_894 894] - #895 in the French original *** [http://www.pascalpense.org/documents/BlaisePascal-PenseeFR.pdf 895] * ''Le silence est la plus grande persécution; jamais les saints ne se sont tus.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_919 919] ** '''Silence is the greatest persecution; never do the saints keep themselves silent.''' == Lafuma Edition == * Thinking too little about things or thinking too much both make us obstinate and fanatical. ** 21 * The two principles of truth, reason and senses, are not only both not genuine, but are engaged in mutual deception. The senses deceive reason through false appearances, and the senses are disturbed by passions, which produce false impressions. ** 45 * What part of us feels pleasure? Is it our hand, our arm, our flesh, or our blood? It must obviously be something immaterial. ** 108 == Sellier Edition == === 1. Table, etc. === * It is much more glorious for the Messiah that they should be the observers and even the instruments of his glory—other than that God had chosen them. ** 4 * I would be much more afraid of being wrong and finding out that the Christian religion is true than of being wrong in believing it to be true. ** 6 * Man's true nature, his true good, true virtue, and true religion, are things that cannot be known separately. ** 12 * The philosophers did not prescribe feelings proportionate to the two states.<br>They inspired impulses of pure greatness, and this is not man's state.<br>They inspired impulses of pure lowliness, and this is not man's state. ** 17 * Man does not know what rank he should occupy. He has obviously gone astray and fallen from his true place, lacking the power to find it again. He looks for it everywhere anxiously and unsuccessfully, in impenetrable darkness. ** 19 * We want truth and find only uncertainty in ourselves.<br>We seek happiness and find only wretchedness and death.<br>We are incapable of not wanting truth and happiness and are incapable of certainty or happiness. ** 20 * I blame equally those who decide to praise man, those who blame him, and those who amuse themselves; and I can approve only of those who search in anguish. ** 24 * Whoever wants to know man's vanity fully has only to consider the causes and effects of love. The cause is a something I know not what. Corneille. And the effects are frightening. This something I know not what, so insignificant that we cannot recognize it, disturbs the whole earth, princes, armies, the entire world. Cleopatra's nose: had it been shorter, the whole face of the earth would have been changed. ** 32 == Other sources == * Go to confession and communion; you will find it a relief and a strengthening. ** Havet ed., Book II, p. 8. quoted in Will Durant, ''The Story of Civilization: The age of Louis XIV, 1648-1715'', p. 65 ==Quotes about Pensées== * What Pascal said of an effective religion is true of any effective doctrine: It must be "contrary to nature, to common sense and to pleasure." ** [[Eric Hoffer]], ''The True Believer'' (1951) &#167;56, referencing ''Pensées'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource}} * [https://books.google.com/books?id=LbkIAAAAQAAJ ''The Thoughts of Blaise Pascal translated from the Text of M. Auguste Molinier''] Tr. C. Kegan Paul (1885) * [http://pascalpense.org/index.php Pascal pense que] - A complete and completely searchable copy of Blaise Pascal’s 1662 text, the Pensées, in the original French. [[Category:Philosophical works]] [[Category:Religious studies books]] 80ll1hb3zuc6csvszv8phvu26vimfi2 3955208 3955202 2026-06-22T04:17:31Z Kalki 71 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-36300-27|~2026-36300-27]] ([[User talk:~2026-36300-27|talk]]) to last version by DanielTom 3873341 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Blaise Pascal Louvre.jpg|thumb|right|All our dignity consists then in thought. By it we must elevate ourselves, and not by space and time which we cannot fill. Let us endeavor to think well; this is the principle of morality. ~ [[Blaise Pascal]]]] The '''''[[w:Pensées|Pensées]]''''' (1669) (literally "thoughts") represented a defense of the [[w:Christian religion|Christian religion]] by [[Blaise Pascal]], the renowned [[w:17th-century philosophy|17th-century philosopher]] and [[w:mathematician|mathematician]]. Pascal's [[w:religious conversion|religious conversion]] led him into a life of [[w:asceticism|asceticism]] and the ''Pensées'' was in many ways his life's work. The concept (but not the term) of "[[w:Pascal's Wager|Pascal's Wager]]" stems from a portion of this work. The ''Pensées'' is in fact a name given posthumously to his fragments, which he had been preparing for an ''Apology for the Christian Religion'' which was never completed. == Brunschvicg Edition == === Section I: Thoughts on Mind and Style (1-59) === * ...'''it is rare that mathematicians are intuitive, and that men of intuition are mathematicians''', because mathematicians wish to treat matters of intuition mathematically, and make themselves ridiculous, wishing to begin with definitions and then with axioms, which is not the way to proceed in this kind of reasoning. Not that the mind does not do so, but it does it tacitly, naturally, and without technical rules; for the expression of it is beyond all men, and only a few can feel it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_1 1] * Dull minds are never either intuitive or mathematical. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_1 1] * '''There are then two kinds of intellect: the one able to penetrate acutely and deeply into the conclusions of given premises, and this is the precise intellect; the other able to comprehend a great number of premises without confusing them, and this is the mathematical intellect.''' The one has force and exactness, the other comprehension. Now the one quality can exist without the other; the intellect can be strong and narrow, and can also be comprehensive and weak. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_2 2] * '''Those who are accustomed to judge by feeling do not understand''' the process of '''reasoning''', for they would understand at first sight, and are not used to seek for principles. '''And others''', on the contrary, who are '''accustomed to reason from principles, do not at all understand matters of feeling''', seeking principles, and being unable to see at a glance. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_3 3] * ''La vraie éloquence se moque de l'éloquence, la vraie morale se moque de la morale.'' ** True morality makes fun of morality. ** True eloquence makes light of eloquence, true morality makes light of morality; that is to say, the morality of the judgment, which has no rules, makes light of the morality of the intellect. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_4 4] [Variant Translation] * ...it is to judgment that perception belongs, as science belongs to intellect. Intuition is the part of judgment, mathematics of intellect. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_4 4] * ''Se moquer de la philosophie, c'est vraiment philosopher'' ** '''To make light of philosophy is to be a true philosopher.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_4 4] * '''The understanding and the feelings are moulded by intercourse; the understanding and feelings are corrupted by intercourse.''' Thus good or bad society improves or corrupts them. It is, then, all-important to know how to choose in order to improve and not to corrupt them; and we cannot make this choice, if they be not already improved and not corrupted. Thus '''a circle is formed, and those are fortunate who escape it.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_6 6] * '''The greater intellect one has, the more originality one finds in men.''' Ordinary persons find no difference between men. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_7 7] * '''When we wish to correct with advantage, and to show another that he errs, we must notice from what side he views the matter, for on that side it is usually true, and admit that truth to him, but reveal to him the side on which it is false. He is satisfied with that, for he sees that he was not mistaken, and that he only failed to see all sides.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_9 9] * ...no one is offended at not seeing everything; but one does not like to be mistaken, and that perhaps arises from the fact that man naturally cannot see everything, and that naturally he cannot err in the side he looks at, since the perceptions of our senses are always true. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_9 9] * '''People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered''' than by those which have come into the mind of others. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_10 10] * '''When a natural discourse paints a passion or an effect, one feels within oneself the truth of what one reads, which was there before, although one did not know it. Hence one is inclined to love him who makes us feel it, for he has not shown us his own riches, but ours.''' ...such community of intellect that we have with him necessarily inclines the heart to love. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_14 14] * Eloquence is an art of saying things in such a way—(1) that those to whom we speak may listen to them without pain and with pleasure; (2) that they feel themselves interested, so that self-love leads them more willingly to reflection upon it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_16 16] * It ['''eloquence'''] '''consists''', then, '''in a correspondence''' which we seek to establish '''between the head and the heart''' of those to whom we speak on the one hand, and, on the other, between the thoughts and the expressions which we employ. ...'''We must put ourselves in the place of those who are to hear us, and make trial on our own heart... We ought to restrict ourselves, so far as possible, to the simple and natural, and not to magnify that which is little, or belittle that which is great.''' It is not enough that a thing be beautiful; it must be suitable to the subject, and there must be in it nothing of excess or defect. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_16 16] * '''Rivers are roads which move, and which carry us whither we desire to go.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_17 17] ** Note: apparently suggested by a chapter in [[François_Rabelais|Rabelais]]: ''How we descended in the isle of Odes, in which the roads walk.'' * The manner in which [[Epictetus]], [[Michel_de_Montaigne|Montaigne]], and Salomon de Tultie wrote, is the most usual, the most suggestive, the most remembered, and the oftener quoted; because it is entirely composed of thoughts born from the common talk of life. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_18 18] ** Note: Salomon de Tultie was a pseudonym adopted by Pascal as the author of the ''Provincial Letters''. * ''La dernière chose qu'on trouve en faisant un ouvrage est de savoir celle qu'il faut mettre la première.'' ** The last thing one settles in writing a book is what one should put in first. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_19 19] * '''Nature has made all her truths independent of one another.''' Our art makes one dependent on the other. But this is not natural. Each keeps its own place. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_21 21] * '''Symmetry is what we see at a glance; based on the fact that there is no reason for any difference'''... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_28 28] * ''Quand on voit le style naturel, on est tout étonné et ravi, car on s'attendait de voir un auteur, et on trouve un homme. Au lieu que ceux qui ont le goût bon, et qui, en voyant un livre, croient trouver un homme, sont tout surpris de trouver un auteur: ''plus poetice quam humaine locutus est''. Ceux-là honorent bien la nature, qui lui apprennent qu'elle peut parler de tout, et même de théologie.'' ** When we see a natural style, we are astonished and delighted; for we expected to see an author, and we find a man. Whereas those who have good taste, and who seeing a book expect to find a man, are quite surprised to find an author. ''Plus poetice quam humane locutus es.'' "'''You have spoken more poetically than humanly.'''" ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_29 29] * '''Those honor nature well, who teach that she can speak on everything''', even on theology. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_29 29] * We only consult the ear because the heart is wanting. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_30 30] * '''Beauty of omission, of judgment.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_30 30] * There is a certain standard of grace and beauty which consists in a certain relation between our nature... and the thing which pleases us. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_32 32] * ''Poetical beauty''. ...We know well what is the object of mathematics, and that it consists of proofs, and what is the object of medicine, and that it consists of healing. But '''we do not know in what [[wiktionary:grace|grace]] consists, which is the object of poetry.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_33 33] * ...whoever imagines a woman after this model, which consists in saying little things in big words, will see a pretty girl adorned with mirrors and chains... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_33 33] * '''No one passes in the world as skilled in verse unless he has put up the sign of a poet, a mathematician, &c. But educated people do not want a sign''', and draw little distinction between the trade of a poet and that of an embroiderer. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_34 34] * '''People of education are not called poets or mathematicians''', &c.; '''but they are all these, and judges of all these.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_34 34] * Since we cannot be universal and know all that is to be known of everything, we ought to know a little about everything. For '''it is far better to know something about everything than to know all about one thing.''' This universality is the best. If we can have both, still better; but if we must choose, we ought to choose the former. And the world feels this and does so; for '''the world is often a good judge.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_37 37] * ...when we wish '''to demonstrate a general theorem, we must give the rule as applied to a particular case; but if we wish to demonstrate a particular case, we must begin with the general rule.''' For we always find the thing obscure which we wish to prove, and that clear which we use for the proof; for, when a thing is put forward to be proved, we first fill ourselves with the imagination that it is therefore obscure, and on the contrary that what is to prove it, is clear, and so we understand it easily. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_40 40] * '''Man loves [[wiktionary:malice#Noun|malice]], but not against one-eyed men nor the unfortunate, but against the fortunate and proud.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_41 41] * '''Lust is the source of all our actions, and humanity''', &c. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_41 41] * '''Certain authors, speaking of their works, say, "My''' book," "My commentary," "My history," etc. They resemble middle-class people who have a house of their own, and always have "My house" on their tongue. '''They would do better to say, "Our''' book," "Our commentary," "Our history," etc., '''because there is in them usually more of other people's than their own.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_43 43] * '''Do you wish people to believe good of you? Don't speak.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_44 44] * A maker of [[wiktionary:witticism|witticisms]], a bad character. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_46 46] * '''The same meaning changes with the words which express it. Meanings receive their dignity from words instead of giving it to them'''. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_50 50] * I always feel uncomfortable under such complements as these: "I have given you a great deal of trouble," "I am afraid I am boring you," "I fear this is too long." '''We either carry our audience with us, or irritate them.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_57 57] * You are ungraceful: "Excuse me, pray." Without that excuse I would not have known there was anything amiss. "With reverence be it spoken..." The only thing bad is their excuse. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_58 58] === Section II: The Misery of Man without God (60-183) === * I might well have taken this discourse in an order like this: to show the vanity of all conditions of men, to show the vanity of ordinary lives, and then the vanity of philosophic lives, sceptics, stoics; but the order would not have been kept. I know a little what it is, and how few people understand it. No human science can keep it. [[Thomas_Aquinas|Saint Thomas]] did not keep it. Mathematics keep it, but they are useless on account of their depth. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_61 61] * '''One must know oneself. If this does not serve to discover truth, it at least serves as a rule of life, and there is nothing better.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_66 66] * '''[[Knowledge]] of physical science will not console me for ignorance of morality in time of affliction, but knowledge of morality will always console me for ignorance of physical science.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_67 67] * When we read too fast or too slowly, we understand nothing. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_69 69] * Nature has set us so well in the center, that if we change one side of the balance, we change the other also. I act. This makes me believe that the springs in our brain are so adjusted that he who touches one touches also its contrary. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_70 70] * Too much and too little wine. Give him none, he cannot find truth; give him too much, the same. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_71 71] * '''Let man then contemplate the whole of nature''' in her full and grand majesty, and turn his vision from the low objects which surround him. Let him gaze on that brilliant light, set like an eternal lamp to illumine the universe; let the earth appear to him a point in comparison with the vast circle described by the sun; and let him wonder at the fact that this vast circle is itself but a very fine point in comparison with that described by the stars in their revolution round the firmament. But if our view be arrested there, let our imagination pass beyond; it will sooner exhaust the power of conception than nature that of supplying material for conception. The whole visible world is only an imperceptible atom in the ample bosom of nature. '''It is an infinite sphere, the center of which is everywhere, the circumference nowhere.''' In short it is the greatest sensible mark of the almighty power of God, that imagination loses itself in that thought. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] ** Note: [[w:Eugène_Auguste_Ernest_Havet|Havet]] traces the statement about nature's infinite sphere to [[Empedocles]] ** ''C'est une sphère infinie, dont le centre est partout et la circonférence nulle part.'' ** It is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and circumference is nowhere. * '''For after all what is man in nature?''' A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either. The ends of things and their beginnings are impregnably concealed from him in an impenetrable secret. '''He is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness out of which he was drawn and the infinite in which he is engulfed.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * ...as nature has graven her image and that of her Author on all things, they almost all partake of her double infinity. Thus we see that all the sciences are infinite in the extent of their researches. For who doubts that geometry, for instance, has an infinite infinity of problems to solve? They are also infinite in the multitude and fineness of their premises; for it is clear that those which are put forward as ultimate are not self-supporting, but are based on others which, again having others for their support, do not permit of finality. ...Of these two Infinites of science, that of greatness is the most palpable, and hence a few persons have pretended to know all things. ...the infinitely little is the least obvious. Philosophers have much oftener claimed to have reached it, and it is here they have all stumbled. ...'''we need no less capacity for attaining the Nothing than the All. Infinite capacity is required for both''', and it seems to me that whoever shall have understood the ultimate principles of being might also attain to the [[knowledge]] of the Infinite. '''The one depends on the other, and one leads to the other. These extremes meet and reunite by force of distance, and find each other in God, and in God alone.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * Excessive qualities are prejudicial to us and not perceptible by the senses; we do not feel but suffer them. Extreme youth and extreme age hinder the mind, as also too much and too little education. In short, '''extremes are for us as though they were not, and we are not within their notice. They escape us, or we them. This is our true state; this is what makes us incapable of certain [[knowledge]] and of absolute ignorance.''' We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end. When we think to attach ourselves to any point and to fasten to it, it wavers and leaves us; and if we follow it, it eludes our grasp, slips past us, and vanishes for ever. '''Nothing stays for us. This is our natural condition, and yet most contrary to our inclination; we burn with desire to find solid ground and an ultimate sure foundation whereon to build a tower reaching to the Infinite. But our whole groundwork cracks, and the earth opens to abysses.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * Since everything then is cause and effect, dependent and supporting, mediate and immediate, and all is held together by a natural though imperceptible chain, which binds together things most distant and most different, I hold it equally impossible to know the parts without knowing the whole, and to know the whole without knowing the parts in detail. The eternity of things in itself or in God must also astonish our brief duration. The fixed and constant immobility of nature, in comparison with the continual change which goes on within us, must have the same effect. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * ...'''it is impossible that our rational part should be other than spiritual; and if any one maintain that we are simply corporeal, this would far more exclude us from the [[knowledge]] of things, there being nothing so inconceivable as to say that matter knows itself.''' It is impossible to imagine how it should know itself. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * '''So if we are simply material, we can know nothing at all; and if we are composed of mind and matter, we cannot know perfectly things which are simple, whether spiritual or corporeal.''' Hence it comes that almost all philosophers have confused ideas of things, and speak of material things in spiritual terms, and of spiritual things in material terms. For they say boldly that bodies have a tendency to fall, that they seek after their centre, that they fly from destruction, that they fear the void, that they have inclinations, sympathies, antipathies, all of which attributes pertain only to mind. And in speaking of minds, they consider them as in a place, and attribute to them movement from one place to another; and these are qualities which belong only to bodies. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * '''Man is to himself the most wonderful object in nature; for he cannot conceive what the body is, still less what the mind is, and least of all how a body should be united to a mind.''' This is the consummation of his difficulties, and yet it is his very being. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_72 72] * One says that the sovereign good consists in virtue, another in pleasure, another in the [[knowledge]] of nature, another in truth, another in total ignorance, another in indolence, others in disregarding appearances, another in wondering at nothing, and the true skeptics in their indifference, doubt, and perpetual suspense, and others, wiser, think to find a better definition. We are well satisfied. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_73 73] * I cannot forgive [[Ren%C3%A9_Descartes|Descartes]]. In all his philosophy he would have been quite willing to dispense with God. But he had to make Him give a [[wiktionary:fillip|fillip]] to set the world in motion; beyond this, he has no further need of God. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_77 77] * [[Epictetus]] goes much further when he asks: Why do we not lose our temper if someone tells us that we have a headache, while we do lose it if someone says there is anything wrong with our arguments or our choice? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_80 80] * '''It is natural for the mind to believe, and for the will to love; so that, for want of true objects, they must attach themselves to false.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_81 81] * ''Imagination''.—It is that deceitful part in man, that mistress of error and falsity, the more deceptive, that she is not always so; for she would be an infallible rule of truth, if she were an infallible rule of falsehood. But being most generally false, she gives no sign of her nature, impressing the same character on the true and the false. I do not speak of fools, I speak of the wisest men; and it is among them that the imagination has the great gift of persuasion. Reason protests in vain; it cannot set a true value on things. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * ''Imagination''.—This arrogant power, the enemy of reason, who likes to rule and dominate it, has established in man a second nature to show how all-powerful she is. She makes men happy and sad, healthy and sick, rich and poor; she compels reason to believe, doubt, and deny; she blunts the senses, or quickens them; she has her fools and sages; and nothing vexes us more than to see that she fills her devotees with a satisfaction far more full and entire than does reason. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * Those who have a lively imagination are a great deal more pleased with themselves than the wise can reasonably be. They look down upon men with haughtiness; they argue with boldness and confidence, others with fear and diffidence; and this gaiety of countenance often gives them the advantage in the opinion of the hearers, such favor have the imaginary wise in the eyes of judges of like nature. Imagination cannot make fools wise; but she can make them happy, to the envy of reason which can only make its friends miserable; the one covers them with glory, the other with shame. What but this faculty of imagination dispenses reputation, awards respect and veneration to persons, works, laws, and the great? How insufficient are all the riches of the earth without her consent! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] ** Who dispenses reputation? Who makes us respect and revere persons, works, laws, the great? Who but this faculty of imagination? All the riches of the earth are inadequate without its approval. [Variant Translation] ** Those who are clever in imagination are far more pleased with themselves than prudent men could reasonably be. [Variant Translation] * How much greater confidence has an advocate, retained with a large fee, in the justice of his cause! How much better does his bold manner make his case appear to the judges, deceived as they are by appearances! '''How ludicrous is reason, blown with a breath in every direction!''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] ** An advocate who has been well paid in advance will find the cause he is pleading all the more just. [Variant Translation] * '''Imagination cannot make fools wise, but it makes them happy, as against reason, which only makes its friends wretched: one covers them with glory, the other with shame.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * Put the world's greatest philosopher on a plank that is wider than need be; if there is a precipice below, although his reason may convince him that he is safe, his imagination will prevail. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * '''The wisest reason takes as her own principles those which the imagination''' of man '''has everywhere rashly introduced.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * '''He who would follow reason only would be deemed foolish by the generality of men.''' We must judge by the opinion of the majority of mankind. Because it has pleased them, we must work all day for pleasures seen to be imaginary; and after sleep has refreshed our tired reason, we must forthwith start up and rush after phantoms, and suffer the impressions of this mistress of the world. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * Our magistrates have known well this mystery. Their red robes, the ermine in which they wrap themselves like furry cats, the courts in which they administer justice, the fleurs-de-lis, and all such august apparel were necessary; if the physicians had not their cassocks and their mules, if the doctors had not their square caps and their robes four times too wide, they would never have duped the world, which cannot resist so original an appearance. '''If magistrates had true justice, and if physicians had the true art of healing, they would have no occasion for square caps; the majesty of these sciences would of itself be venerable enough. But having only imaginary [[knowledge]], they must employ those silly tools that strike the imagination with which they have to deal; and thereby in fact they inspire respect.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * The justest man in the world is not allowed to be judge in his own cause. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] ** It is not permitted to the most equitable of men to be a judge in his own cause. [Variant Translation] * '''Justice and truth are two such subtle points, that our tools are too blunt to touch them accurately. If they reach the point, they either crush it, or lean all round, more on the false than on the true.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_82 82] * ''L’homme n’est qu’un sujet plein d’erreur naturelle, et ineffaçable sans la grâce. Rien ne lui montre la vérité. Tout l’abuse. Ces deux principes de vérité, la raison et les sens, outre qu’ils manquent chacun de sincérité, s’abusent réciproquement l’un l’autre; les sens abusent la raison de fausses apparences, et cette même piperie qu’ils apportent à l’âme, ils la reçoivent d’elle à leur tour; elle s’en revanche. Les passions de l’âme les troublent et leur font des impressions fausses. Ils mentent et se trompent à l’envi.'' ** Man is only a subject full of error, natural and ineffaceable, without grace. Nothing shows him the truth. Everything deceives him. '''These two sources of truth, reason and the senses, besides being both wanting in sincerity, deceive each other in turn.''' The senses mislead the reason with false appearances, and receive from reason in their turn the same trickery which they apply to her; reason has her revenge. The passions of the soul trouble the senses, and make false impressions upon them. They rival each other in falsehood and deception. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_83 83] * ''Notre raison est toujours déçue par l'inconstance des apparences.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_83 83] ** '''Our reason is always disappointed by the inconsistency of appearances.''' * '''The imagination enlarges little objects so as to fill our souls with a fantastic estimate; and, with rash insolence, it belittles the great to its own measure''', as when talking of God. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_84 84] * Things which have most hold on us, as the concealment of our few possessions, are often a mere nothing. It is a nothing which our imagination magnifies into a mountain. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_85 85] * ...how shall one who is so weak in his childhood become really strong when he grows older? We only change our fancies. '''All that is made perfect by progress perishes also by progress. All that has been weak can never become absolutely strong.''' We say in vain, "He has grown, he has changed"; he is also the same. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_88 88] * '''Custom is our nature.''' He who is accustomed to the faith believes in it, can no longer fear hell, and believes in nothing else. He who is accustomed to believe that the king is terrible … etc. Who doubts then that '''our soul, being accustomed to see number, space, motion, believes that and nothing else'''? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_89 89] * Parents fear lest the natural love of their children may fade away. What kind of nature is that which is subject to decay? Custom is a second nature which destroys the former. But what is nature? For is custom not natural? I am much afraid that nature is itself only a first custom, as custom is a second nature. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_93 93] ** '''Habit is a second nature and it destroys the first.''' [Variant Translation] * '''Memory, joy, are intuitions; and even mathematical propositions become intuitions, for education produces natural intuitions, and natural intuitions are erased by education.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_95 95] * '''When we are accustomed to use bad reasons for proving natural effects, we are not willing to receive good reasons when they are discovered.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_96 96] * The most important affair in life is the choice of a calling; chance decides it. Custom makes men masons, soldiers, slaters. ...We choose our callings according as we hear this or that praised or despised in our childhood, for we naturally love truth and hate folly. ...It is custom then which... constrains nature. But '''sometimes nature gains the ascendancy, and preserves man's instinct, in spite of all custom, good or bad.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_97 97] * It is a deplorable thing to see all men deliberating on means alone, and not on the end. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_98 98] * The will is one of the chief factors in belief, not that it creates belief, but because things are true or false according to the aspect in which we look at them. '''The will, which prefers one aspect to another, turns away the mind from considering the qualities of all that it does not like to see'''; and thus the mind, moving in accord with the will, stops to consider the aspect which it likes, and so judges by what it sees. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_99 99] * ''Self-love''.—The nature of self-love and of this human Ego is to love self only and consider self only. But what will man do? He cannot prevent this object that he loves from being full of faults and wants. He wants to be great, and he sees himself small. He wants to be happy, and he sees himself miserable. He wants to be perfect, and he sees himself full of imperfections. He wants to be the object of love and esteem among men, and he sees that his faults merit only their hatred and contempt. This embarrassment in which he finds himself produces in him the most unrighteous and criminal passion that can be imagined; for he conceives a mortal enmity against that truth which reproves him, and which convinces him of his faults. He would annihilate it, but, unable to destroy it in its essence, he destroys it as far as possible in his own [[knowledge]] and in that of others; that is to say, '''he devotes all his attention to hiding his faults both from others and from himself, and he cannot endure either that others should point them out to him, or that they should see them.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] * Truly it is an evil to be full of faults; but it is a still greater evil... to be unwilling to recognise them, since that is to add the further fault of a voluntary illusion. We do not like others to deceive us; we do not think it fair that they should be held in higher esteem by us than they deserve; it is not then fair that we should deceive them, and should wish them to esteem us more highly than we deserve. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] * Thus, when they [others] discover only the imperfections and vices which we really have, it is plain they do us no wrong, since it is not they who cause them; they rather do us good, since they help us to free ourselves from an evil, namely, the ignorance of these imperfections. We ought not to be angry at their knowing our faults and despising us; it is but right that they should know us for what we are, and should despise us, if we are contemptible. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] * '''The Catholic religion does not bind us to confess our sins indiscriminately to everybody'''; it allows them to remain hidden from all other men save one, to whom she bids us reveal the innermost recesses of our heart, and show ourselves as we are. '''There is only this one man in the world whom she orders us to undeceive, and she binds him to an inviolable secrecy, which makes this [[knowledge]] to him as if it were not. Can we imagine anything more charitable and pleasant?''' And yet the corruption of man is such that he finds even this law harsh; and it is one of the main reasons which has caused a great part of Europe to rebel against the Church. '''How unjust and unreasonable is the heart of man, which feels it disagreeable to be obliged to do in regard to one man what in some measure it were right to do to all men! For is it right that we should deceive men?''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] * There are different degrees in this aversion to truth; but all may perhaps be said to have it in some degree, because it is inseparable from self-love. It is this false delicacy which makes those who are under the necessity of reproving others choose so many windings and middle courses to avoid offense. They must lessen our faults, appear to excuse them, intersperse praises and evidence of love and esteem. Despite all this, the medicine does not cease to be bitter to self-love. It takes as little as it can, always with disgust, and often with a secret spite against those who administer it. Hence it happens that '''if any have some interest in being loved by us''', they are averse to render us a service which they know to be disagreeable. '''They treat us as we wish to be treated. We hate the truth, and they hide it from us. We desire flattery, and they flatter us. We like to be deceived, and they deceive us.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] * '''Human life is thus only a perpetual illusion; men deceive and flatter each other. No one speaks of us in our presence as he does of us in our absence. Human society is founded on mutual deceit; few friendships would endure if each knew what his friend said of him in his absence, although he then spoke in sincerity and without passion. Man is then only disguise, falsehood, and hypocrisy, both in himself and in regard to others. He does not wish any one to tell him the truth; he avoids telling it to others, and all these dispositions, so removed from justice and reason, have a natural root in his heart.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_100 100] ** ''Peu d'amitiés subsisteraient, si chacun savait ce que son ami dit de lui lorsqu'il n'y est pas.'' ** Few friendships would remain, if each knew what his friend said of him when he wasn't there. [Variant Translation] * ...if all men knew what each said of the other, there would not be four friends in the world. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_101 101] * We do not believe ourselves to be exactly sharing in the vices of the vulgar, when we see that we are sharing in those of '''great men'''; and yet we do not observe that in these matters they are ordinary men. We hold on to them by the same end by which they hold on to the rabble; for, however exalted they are, they '''are still united at some point to the lowest of men. They are not suspended in the air, quite removed from our society. No, no; if they are greater than we, it is because their heads are higher; but their feet are as low as ours. They are all on the same level, and rest on the same earth; and by that extremity they are as low as we are, as the meanest folk, as infants, and as the beasts.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_103 103] * When our passion leads us to do something, we forget our duty; for example, we like a book and read it, when we ought to be doing something else. Now, to remind ourselves of our duty, we must set ourselves a task we dislike; we then plead that we have something else to do, and by this means remember our duty. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_104 104] * By knowing each man's ruling passion, we are sure of pleasing him; and yet each has his fancies, opposed to his true good, in the very idea which he has of the good. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_106 106] * I have my foggy and my fine days within me; my prosperity or misfortune has little to do with the matter. I sometimes struggle against luck, the glory of mastering it makes me master it gaily; whereas I am sometimes surfeited in the midst of good fortune. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_107 107] * ...there are some people who lie for the mere sake of lying. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_108 108] * Nature gives us... passions and desires suitable to our present state. '''We are only troubled by the fears which we, and not nature, give ourselves'''... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_109 109] * Things have different qualities, and the soul different inclinations; for nothing is simple which is presented to the soul, and the soul never presents itself simply to any object. Hence it comes that we weep and laugh at the same thing. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_112 112] * Variety is as abundant as all tones of the voice, all ways of walking, coughing, blowing the nose, sneezing. We distinguish vines by their fruit, and call them the Condrien, the Desargues, and such and such a stock. Is this all? Has a vine ever produced two bunches exactly the same, and has a bunch two grapes alike? etc. I can never judge of the same thing exactly in the same way. I cannot judge of my work, while doing it. I must do as the artists, stand at a distance, but not too far. How far, then? Guess. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_114 114] * All is one, all is different. How many natures exist in man? How many vocations? And by what chance does each man ordinarily choose what he has heard praised? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_116 116] * Time heals griefs and quarrels, for we change and are no longer the same persons. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_122 122] * ''Condition de l'homme: inconstance, ennui, inquiétude.'' ** Condition of man: inconstancy, weariness, unrest. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_127 127] ** Man’s condition: inconstancy, boredom, anxiety. [Variant Translation] * ''Notre nature est dans le mouvement ; le repos entier est la mort.'' ** Our nature consists in motion; complete rest is death. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_129 129] (Attributed to [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]], Essais, iii, 13). * '''Nothing is so insufferable to man as to be completely at rest, without passions, without business, without diversion, without study. He then feels his nothingness, his forlornness, his insufficiency, his dependence, his weakness, his emptiness. There will immediately arise from the depth of his heart weariness, gloom, sadness, fretfulness, vexation, despair.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_131 131] * [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]] was too old, it seems to me, to go off and amuse himself conquering the world. Such a pastime was all right for [[Augustus]] and [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]]; they were young men, not easily held in check, but Caesar ought to have been more mature. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_132 132] * '''How useless is painting, which attracts admiration by the resemblance of things, the originals of which we do not admire!''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_134 134] * The struggle alone pleases us, not the victory. ...It is the same in play, and the same in the search for truth. In disputes we like to see the clash of opinions, but not at all to contemplate truth when found. ...So in the passions, there is pleasure in seeing the collision of two contraries; but when one acquires the mastery, it becomes only brutality. We never seek things for themselves, but for the search. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_135 135] * A mere trifle consoles us, for a mere trifle distresses us. ** '''A trifle consoles us because a trifle upsets us.''' [Variant Translation] ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_136 136] * Diversion.—When I have occasionally set myself to consider the different distractions of men, the pains and perils to which they expose themselves at court or in war, whence arise so many quarrels, passions, bold and often bad ventures, etc., I have discovered that '''all the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact, that they cannot stay quietly in their own chamber.''' A man who has enough to live on, if he knew how to stay with pleasure at home, would not leave it to go to sea or to besiege a town. A commission in the army would not be bought so dearly, but that it is found insufferable not to budge from the town; and men only seek conversation and entering games, because they cannot remain with pleasure at home.<br>But on further consideration, '''when, after finding the cause of all our ills, I have sought to discover the reason of it, I have found that there is one very real reason, namely, the natural poverty of our feeble and mortal condition''', so miserable that nothing can comfort us when we think of it closely. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * ...'''a king attended with every pleasure he can feel, if he be without diversion, and be left to consider and reflect on what he is, this feeble happiness will not sustain him; he will necessarily fall into forebodings of dangers, of revolutions which may happen, and, finally, of death and inevitable disease; so that if he be without what is called diversion, he is unhappy, and more unhappy than the least of his subjects who plays and diverts himself.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * Thus passes away all man's life. '''Men seek rest in a struggle against difficulties; and when they have conquered these, rest becomes insufferable.''' For we think either of the misfortunes we have or of those which threaten us. And even if we should see ourselves sufficiently sheltered on all sides, weariness of its own accord would not fail to arise from the depths of the heart wherein it has its natural roots, and to fill the mind with its poison. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * But will you say what object has he in all this? The pleasure of bragging to-morrow among his friends that he has played better than another. So others sweat in their own rooms to show to the learned that they have solved a problem in algebra, which no one had hitherto been able to solve. Many more expose themselves to extreme perils, in my opinion as foolishly, in order to boast afterwords that they have captured a town. Lastly, '''others wear themselves out in studying all these things, not in order to become wiser, but only in order to prove that they know them; and these are the most senseless of the band''', since they are so, knowingly, whereas one may suppose of the others, that if they knew it, they would no longer be foolish. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * '''Without amusement there is no joy; with amusement there is no sadness.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * What is it to be superintendent, chancellor, first president, but to be in a condition wherein from early morning a large number of people come from all quarters to see them, so as not to leave them an hour in the day in which they can think of themselves? And when they are in disgrace and sent back to their country houses, where they lack neither wealth nor servants to help them on occasion, they do not fail to be wretched and desolate, because no one prevents them from thinking of themselves. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * ...'''after all he is only a man, that is to say capable of little and of much, of all and of nothing; he is neither angel nor brute, but man.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_139 139] * Men spend their time chasing a ball or a hare; it is the very sport of kings. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_141 141] * ...kings are surrounded with persons who are wonderfully attentive in taking care that the king be not alone and in a state to think of himself, knowing well that he will be miserable, king though he be, if he meditate on self. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_142 142] * How hollow and full of ribaldry is the heart of man! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_143 143] ** How hollow is the heart of man, and how full of excrement! [Variant Translation] * When I commenced the study of man... I thought at least to find many companions in the study of man, and that it was the true study which is suited to him. I have been deceived; still fewer study it than geometry. It is only from the want of knowing how to study this that we seek the other studies. But is it not that even here is not the [[knowledge]] which man should have, and that '''for the purpose of happiness it is better for him not to know himself'''? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_144 144] * ...we cannot think of two things at the same time. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_145 145] * '''Man is obviously made to think. It is his whole dignity and his whole merit; and his whole duty is to think as he ought. Now, the order of thought is to begin with self, and with its Author and its end. Now, of what does the world think? Never of this, but of dancing, playing the lute, singing, making verses, running at the ring, etc., fighting, making oneself king, without thinking what it is to be a king and what to be a man.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_146 146] * '''We do not content ourselves with the life we have in ourselves and in our own being; we desire to live an imaginary life in the mind of others''', and for this purpose we endeavor to shine. We labor unceasingly to adorn and preserve this imaginary existence, and neglect the real. ...we would willingly be cowards in order to acquire the reputation of being brave. ...For he would be infamous who would not die to preserve his honor. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_147 147] * '''We are so presumptuous that we would wish to be known by all the world, even by people who shall come after, when we shall be no more; and we are so vain that the esteem of five or six neighbors delights and contents us.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_148 148] * Vanity is so anchored in the heart of man that a soldier, a soldier's servant, a cook, a porter brags, and wishes to have his admirers. Even philosophers wish for them. Those who write against it want to have the glory of having written well; and those who read it desire the glory of having read it. I who write this have perhaps this desire, and perhaps those who will read it … ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_150 150] * Admiration spoils all from infancy. Ah! How well said! Ah! How well done! How well-behaved he is! etc. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_151 151] * ''Curiosité n'est que vanité. Le plus souvent, on ne veut savoir que pour en parler.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_152 152] ** Curiosity is nothing more than vanity. More often than not we only seek [[knowledge]] to show it off. * Pride takes such natural possession of us in the midst of our woes, errors, etc. We even lose our life with joy, provided people talk of it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_153 153] * '''The charm of fame is so great, that we like every object to which it is attached, even death.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_158 158] * Noble deeds are most estimable when hidden. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_159 159] * ''Il n'est pas honteux pour l'homme de succomber sous la douleur et il est honteux de succomber sous le plaisir.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_160 160] ** It is not shameful for a man to succumb to pain and it is shameful to succumb to pleasure. * ...only mastery and sovereignty bring glory, and only slavery brings shame. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_160 160] * How wonderful it is that a thing so evident as the vanity of the world is so little known, that it is a strange and surprising thing to say that it is foolish to seek greatness! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_161 161] ** '''That something so obvious as the vanity of the world should be so little recognized that people find it odd and surprising to be told that it is foolish to seek greatness; that is most remarkable.''' [Variant Translation] * He who will know fully the vanity of man has only to consider the causes and effects of love. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_162 162] * ''Le nez de Cléopâtre: s'il eut été plus court, toute la face de la terre aurait changé.'' ** Cleopatra's nose: had it been shorter, the whole aspect of the world would have been altered. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_162 162] ** Cleopatra’s nose: if it had been shorter the whole face of the earth would have been different. [Variant Translation] * If our condition were truly happy we should not need to divert ourselves from thinking about it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_165 165] * As men are not able to fight against death, misery, ignorance, they have taken it into their heads, in order to be happy, not to think of them at all. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_168 168] * To be happy man would have to make himself immortal; but, not being able to do so, it has occurred to him to prevent himself from thinking of death. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_169 169] * ...is it not to be happy to have a faculty of being amused by diversion?—No; for that comes from elsewhere and from without, and thus is dependent, and therefore subject to be disturbed by a thousand accidents, which bring inevitable griefs. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_170 170] * '''We do not rest satisfied with the present. We anticipate the future as too slow in coming, as if in order to hasten its course; or we recall the past, to stop its too rapid flight.''' So imprudent are we that '''we wander in the times which are not ours, and do not think of the only one which belongs to us'''; and so idle are we that we dream of those times which are no more, and thoughtlessly overlook that which alone exists. For the present is generally painful to us. We conceal it from our sight, because it troubles us; and if it be delightful to us, we regret to see it pass away. We try to sustain it by the future, and think of arranging matters which are not in our power, for a time which we have no certainty of reaching. Let each one examine his thoughts, and he will find them all occupied with the past and the future. We scarcely ever think of the present; and if we think of it, it is only to take light from it to arrange the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means; the future alone is our end. So '''we never live, but we hope to live; and, as we are always preparing to be happy, it is inevitable we should never be so.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_172 172] * They say that eclipses foretoken misfortune, because misfortunes are common, so that, as evil happens so often, they often foretell it; whereas if they said that they predict good fortune, they would often be wrong. They attribute good fortune only to rare conjunctions of the heavens; so they seldom fail in prediction. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_173 173] * '''We know ourselves so little, that many think they are about to die when they are well, and many think they are well when they are near death'''... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_175 175] * '''The great and the humble have the same misfortunes, the same griefs, the same passions; but the one is at the top of the wheel, and the other near the center, and so less disturbed by the same revolutions.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_180 180] * Anyone who found the secret of rejoicing when things go well without being annoyed when they go badly would have found the point. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_181 181] * '''We run carelessly to the precipice, after we have put something before us to prevent us seeing it.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_183 183] === Section III: On the Necessity of the Wager (184-241) === * '''Make religion attractive, make good men wish it were true, and then show that it is.''' Worthy of reverence because it really understands human nature. Attractive because it promises true good. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_187 187] * ...'''it is a great evil thus to be in doubt, but it is at least an indispensable duty to seek when we are in such doubt'''; and thus the doubter who does not seek is altogether completely unhappy and completely wrong. And if besides this he is easy and content, professes to be so, and indeed boasts of it; if it is this state itself which is the subject of his joy and vanity, I have no words to describe so silly a creature. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * Nothing is so important to man as his own state, nothing is so formidable to him as eternity; and thus it is not natural that there should be men indifferent to the loss of their existence, and to the perils of everlasting suffering. They are quite different with regard to all other things. '''They are afraid of mere trifles; they foresee them; they feel them. And this same man who spends so many days and nights in rage and despair for the loss of office, or for some imaginary insult to his honor, is the very one who knows without anxiety and without emotion that he will lose all by death.''' It is a monstrous thing to see in the same heart and at the same time this sensibility to trifles and this strange insensibility to the greatest objects. It is an incomprehensible enchantment, and a supernatural slumber, which indicates as its cause an all-powerful force. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * ...the only way to succeed in this life is to make ourselves appear honorable, faithful, judicious, and capable of useful service to a friend; because naturally men love only what may be useful to them. Now, what do we gain by hearing it said of a man that he has now thrown off the yoke, that he does not believe there is a God who watches our actions, that he considers himself the sole master of his conduct, and that he thinks he is accountable for it only to himself? Does he think that he has thus brought us to have henceforth complete confidence in him, and to look to him for consolation, advice, and help in every need of life? '''Do they profess to have delighted us by telling us that they hold our soul to be only a little wind and smoke, especially by telling us this in a haughty and self-satisfied tone of voice? Is this a thing to say gaily? Is it not, on the contrary, a thing to say sadly, as the saddest thing in the world'''? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * If, at the bottom of their heart, they are troubled at not having more light, let them not disguise the fact; this avowal will not be shameful. '''The only shame is to have none.''' Nothing reveals more an extreme weakness of mind than not to know the misery of a godless man. Nothing is more indicative of a bad disposition of heart than not to desire the truth of eternal promises. '''Nothing is more dastardly than to act with bravado before God.''' Let them then leave these impieties to those who are sufficiently ill-bred to be really capable of them. Let them at least be honest men, if they cannot be Christians. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * ...'''there are two kinds of people one can call reasonable; those who serve God with all their heart because they know Him, and those who seek Him with all their heart because they do not know Him.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * But as for those who live without knowing Him and without seeking Him... this religion obliges us always to regard them, so long as they are in this life, as capable of the grace which can enlighten them... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * ...for those who bring to the task perfect sincerity and a real desire to meet with truth, those I hope will be satisfied and convinced of the proofs of a religion so divine, which I have here collected, and in which I have followed somewhat after this order... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_194 194] * ...'''it is not to be doubted that the duration of this life is but a moment; that the state of death is eternal''', whatever may be its nature; and that thus all our actions and thoughts must take such different directions according to the state of that eternity, that it is impossible to take one step with sense and judgment, unless we regulate our course by the truth of that point which ought to be our ultimate end. ...thus, according to the principles of reason, the conduct of men is wholly unreasonable, if they do not take another course. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_195 195] * Men lack heart; they would not make a friend of it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_196 196] * '''The sensibility of man to trifles, and his insensibility to great things, indicates a strange inversion.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_198 198] * '''Let us imagine a number of men in chains, and all condemned to death, where some are killed each day in the sight of the others, and those who remain see their own fate in that of their fellows, and wait their turn, looking at each other sorrowfully and without hope. It is an image of the condition of men.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_199 199] * '''That passion may not harm us, let us act as if we had only eight hours to live.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_203 203] * When I consider the short duration of my life, swallowed up in the eternity before and after, the little space which I fill, and even can see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of spaces of which I am ignorant, and which know me not, I am frightened, and am astonished at being here rather than there; for there is no reason why here rather than there, why now rather than then. Who has put me here? By whose order and direction have this place and time been allotted to me? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_205 205] * ''Le silence éternel de ces espaces infinis m'effraie.'' ** The eternal silence of these infinite spaces frightens me. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_206 206] ** The eternal silence of these infinite spaces terrifies me. [Variant Translation] * ''Combien de royaumes nous ignorent!'' ** How many kingdoms know us not! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_207 207] * Why is my [[knowledge]] limited? Why my stature? Why my life to one hundred years rather than to a thousand? What reason has nature had for giving me such, and for choosing this number rather than another in the infinity of those from which there is no more reason to choose one than another, trying nothing else? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_208 208] * Art thou less a slave by being loved and favoured by thy master? Thou art indeed well off, slave. Thy master favours thee; he will soon beat thee. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_209 209] * ''Le dernier acte est sanglant, quelque belle que soit la comédie en tout le reste. On jette enfin de la terre sur la tête, et en voilà pour jamais.'' * '''The last act is tragic, however happy all the rest of the play is; at the last a little earth is thrown upon our head, and that is the end for ever.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_210 210] * We are fools to depend upon the society of our fellow-men. Wretched as we are, powerless as we are, they will not aid us; we shall die alone. We should therefore act as if we were alone, and in that case should we build fine houses, etc.? We should seek the truth without hesitation; and, if we refuse it, we show that we value the esteem of men more than the search for truth. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_211 211] * It is a horrible thing to feel all that we possess slipping away. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_212 212] * ''Entre nous, et l'enfer ou le ciel, il n'y a que la vie entre deux, qui est la chose du monde la plus fragile.'' ** '''Between us and heaven or hell there is only life, which is the frailest thing in the world.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_213 213] * That presumption should be joined to meanness is extreme injustice. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_214 214] * Dungeon.—I approve of not examining the opinion of [[Nicolaus_Copernicus|Copernicus]]; but this...! It concerns all our life to know whether the soul be mortal or immortal. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_218 218] * ''Atheists''.—'''What reason have they for saying that we cannot rise from the dead? What is more difficult, to be born or to rise again; that what has never been should be, or that what has been should be again?''' Is it more difficult to come into existence than to return to it? Habit makes the one appear easy to us; want of habit makes the other impossible. A popular way of thinking! Why cannot a virgin bear a child? Does a hen not lay eggs without a cock? What distinguishes these outwardly from others? And who has told us that the hen may not form the germ as well as the cock? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_222 222] * If you care but little to know the truth, here is enough of it to leave you in repose. But if you desire with all your heart to know it, it is not enough; look at it in detail. This would be sufficient for a question in philosophy; but not here, where it concerns your all. And yet, after a trifling reflection of this kind, we go to amuse ourselves, etc. Let us inquire of this same religion whether it does not give a reason for this obscurity; perhaps it will teach it to us. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_226 226] * What ought I to do? I see only darkness everywhere. Shall I believe I am nothing? Shall I believe I am God? "All things change and succeed each other." You are mistaken... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_227 227] * This is what I see and what troubles me. I look on all sides, and I see only darkness everywhere. Nature presents to me nothing which is not matter of doubt and concern. If I saw nothing there which revealed a Divinity, I would come to a negative conclusion; if I saw everywhere the signs of a Creator, I would remain peacefully in faith. But, '''seeing too much to deny and too little to be sure, I am in a state to be pitied'''; wherefore I have a hundred times wished that if a God maintains nature, she should testify to Him unequivocally, and that, if the signs she gives are deceptive, she should suppress them altogether; that she should say everything or nothing, that I might see which cause I ought to follow. Whereas in my present state, ignorant of what I am or of what I ought to do, I know neither my condition nor my duty. '''My heart inclines wholly to know where is the true good, in order to follow it; nothing would be too dear to me for eternity'''. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_229 229] * '''It is incomprehensible that God should exist, and it is incomprehensible that He should not exist; that the soul should be joined to the body, and that we should have no soul; that the world should be created, and that it should not be created''', etc.; that original sin should be, and that it should not be. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_230 230] * '''Do you believe it to be impossible that God is infinite, without parts?'''—Yes. '''I wish therefore to show you an infinite and indivisible thing. It is a point moving everywhere with an infinite velocity; for it is one in all places, and is all totality in every place. Let this effect of nature, which previously seemed to you impossible, make you know that there may be others of which you are still ignorant. Do not draw this conclusion from your experiment, that there remains nothing for you to know; but rather that there remains an infinity for you to know.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_231 231] * Infinite movement, the point which fills everything, the moment of rest; infinite without quantity, indivisible and infinite. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_232 232] * '''Our soul is cast into a body, where it finds number, time, dimension. Thereupon it reasons, and calls this nature, necessity, and can believe nothing else.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] * Unity joined to infinity adds nothing to it, no more than one foot to an infinite measure. '''The finite is annihilated in the presence of the infinite, and becomes a pure nothing. So our spirit before God, so our justice before divine justice.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] * '''We know that there is an infinite, and are ignorant of its nature.''' As we know it to be false that numbers are finite, it is therefore true that there is an infinity in number. But we do not know what it is. It is false that it is even, it is false that it is odd; for the addition of a unit can make no change in its nature. Yet it is a number, and every number is odd or even (this is certainly true of every finite number). So '''we may well know that there is a God without knowing what He is. Is there not one substantial truth, seeing there are so many things which are not the truth itself'''? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] * '''We know then the existence and nature of the finite, because we also are finite and have extension. We know the existence of the infinite, and are ignorant of its nature, because it has extension like us, but not limits like us. But we know neither the existence nor the nature of God, because He has neither extension nor limits.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] * Bless yourself with holy water, have Masses said, and so on; by a simple and natural process this will make you believe, and will dull you — will quiet your proudly critical intellect. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] * ''Oui, mais il faut parier. Cela n'est point volontaire, vous êtes embarqué. Lequel prendrez-vous donc? Voyons, puisqu'il faut choisir, voyons ce qui vous intéresse le moins. Vous avez deux choses à perdre, le vrai et le bien, et deux choses à engager, votre raison et votre volonté, votre connaissance et votre béatitude, et votre nature a deux choses à fuir, l'erreur et la misère. Votre raison n'est pas plus blessée, puisqu'il faut nécessairement choisir, en choisissant l'un que l'autre. Voilà un point vidé. Mais votre béatitude? Pesons le gain et la perte en prenant croix que Dieu est. Estimons ces deux cas: si vous gagnez, vous gagnez tout, et si vous perdez, vous ne perdez rien; gagez donc qu'il est sans hésiter.'' ** '''Yes; but you must wager. It is not optional.''' You are embarked. Which will you choose then? Let us see. Since you must choose, let us see which interests you least. You have two things to lose, the true and the good; and two things to stake, your reason and your will, your [[knowledge]] and your happiness; and your nature has two things to shun, error and misery. Your reason is no more shocked in choosing one rather than the other, since you must of necessity choose. This is one point settled. But your happiness? Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that God is. Let us estimate these two chances. '''If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation that He is.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_233 233] ** The summation known as [[w:Pascal's_Wager|Pascal's Wager]], this argument has been repeated by many Christian apologists and rebuked by other arguments, including the [[w:Argument from inconsistent revelations|argument from inconsistent revelations]]. ** Variant translations: ** '''If God does not exist, one will lose nothing by believing in him, while if he does exist, one will lose everything by not believing. ''' *** As quoted in ''What is this thing called knowledge?'' (2006) by Duncan Pritchard, p. 48 ** You must wager; it is not optional... Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that God exists... If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists. ** Let us weigh up the gain and loss involved in calling heads that God exists. Let us assess the two cases: if you win you win everything, if you lose you lose nothing. Do not hesitate then; wager that He does exist. * If we must not act save on a certainty, we ought not to act on religion, for it is not certain. But how many things we do on an uncertainty, sea voyages, battles! I say then we must do nothing at all, for nothing is certain, and that there is more certainty in religion than there is as to whether we may see to-morrow; for it is not certain that we may see to-morrow, and it is certainly possible that we may not see it. We cannot say as much about religion. It is not certain that it is; but who will venture to say that it is certainly possible that it is not? Now when we work for to-morrow, and so on an uncertainty, we act reasonably; for we ought to work for an uncertainty according to the doctrine of chance which was demonstrated above. ** 234 * According to the doctrine of chance, you ought to put yourself to the trouble of searching for the truth; for if you die without worshiping the True Cause, you are lost.—"But," say you, "if He had wished me to worship Him, He would have left me signs of His will."—He has done so; but you neglect them. Seek them, therefore; it is well worth it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_236 236] * "I would soon have renounced pleasure," say they, "had I faith." For my part I tell you, "You would soon have faith, if you renounced pleasure." Now, it is for you to begin. If I could, I would give you faith. I cannot do so, nor therefore test the truth of what you say. But you can well renounce pleasure, and test whether what I say is true. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_240 240] === Section IV: On the Means of the Belief (242-290) === * The knowledge of God is very far from the love of Him. ** [https://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_280 280] <!-- "An aphorism...must convince every reader that it is either universally true or true of every member of the class to which it refers, irrespective of the reader's convictions. To a Christian, for example, ''The knowledge of God is very far from the love of Him'' is a true statement about a defect in the relation between himself and God; to the unbeliever, it is a true statement about the psychology of religious belief." — W. H. Auden and Louis Kronenberger, ''The Viking Book of Aphorisms'' (1962) Foreword --> * Montaigne is wrong. Custom should be followed only because it is custom, and not because it is reasonable or just. But people follow it for this sole reason, that they think it just. Otherwise they would follow it no longer, although it were the custom; for they will only submit to reason or justice. ** [https://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_325 325] ** Reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919): **: Montaigne is wrong in declaring that custom ought to be followed simply because it is custom, and not because it is reasonable or just. * Faith indeed tells what the senses do not tell, but not the contrary of what they see. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_265 265] ** Variant: Faith declares what the senses do not see, but not the contrary of what they see. ** * '''Wisdom leads us back to childhood.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_271 271] ** Variant: Wisdom sends us to childhood: ''nisi efficiamini sicut parvuli''. <!-- O. W. Wright, ''The Thoughts, Letters and Opuscules of Blaise Pascal'' (New York: Derby and Jackson, 1859) p. 404 --> * '''Nothing is so conformable to reason as to disavow reason.''' ** ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_272 272] * ''Tout notre raisonnement se réduit à céder au sentiment.'' ** '''All our reasoning boils down to yielding to sentiment.''' ** ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_274 274] [[File:Love heart.jpg|thumb|right|The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know.]] * ''Le cœur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connaît point. On le sent en mille choses. C'est le cœur qui sent Dieu, et non la raison. Voilà ce que c'est que la foi parfaite, Dieu sensible au cœur.'' ** '''The heart has its reasons, which Reason does not know. We feel it in a thousand things. It is the heart which feels God, and not Reason. This, then, is perfect faith: God felt in the heart.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_277 277]; The first sentence is widely quoted in English as "The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of." ** ** Variant translations: ** The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing. We find this in a thousand instances. It is the heart which feels God, and not the reasoning powers. And this is faith made perfect : — God realized by feeling in the heart. * '''We know truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart, and it is in this last way that we know first principles; and reason, which has no part in it, tries in vain to impugn them.''' The sceptics, who have only this for their object, labour to no purpose. '''We know that we do not dream, and however impossible it is for us to prove it by reason, this inability demonstrates only the weakness of our reason, but not, as they affirm, the uncertainty of all our [[knowledge]].''' For the knowledge of first principles, as space, time, motion, number, is as sure as any of those which we get from reasoning. '''And reason must trust these intuitions of the heart, and must base them on every argument.''' (We have intuitive knowledge of the tri-dimensional nature of space, and of the infinity of number, and reason then shows that there are no two square numbers one of which is double of the other. '''Principles are intuited, propositions are inferred, all with certainty, though in different ways.''') And it is as useless and absurd for reason to demand from the heart proofs of her first principles, before admitting them, as it would be for the heart to demand from reason an intuition of all demonstrated propositions before accepting them. <br> This inability ought, then, to serve only to humble reason, which would judge all, but not to impugn our certainty, as if only reason were capable of instructing us. Would to God, on the contrary, that we had never need of it, and that we knew everything by instinct and intuition! But nature has refused us this boon. On the contrary, she has given us but very little knowledge of this kind; and all the rest can be acquired only by reasoning. <br> Therefore, those to whom God has imparted religion by intuition are very fortunate, and justly convinced. But to those who do not have it, we can give it only by reasoning, waiting for God to give them spiritual insight, without which faith is only human, and useless for salvation. **Variant translation: For knowledge of the first principles, like space, time, motion, number, is as solid as any derived through reason, and it is on such knowledge, coming from the heart and instinct, that reason has to depend and base all its arguments. *** ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_282 282] === Section V: Justice and the Reason of Effects (291-338) === * Why are you killing me for your own benefit? I am unarmed.' 'Why, do you not live on the other side of the water? My friend, if you lived on this side, I should be a murderer, but since you live on the other side, I am a brave man and it is right.' ** Variant: "Why do you kill me? What! do you not live on the other side of the water? If you lived on this side, my friend, I should be an assassin, and it would be unjust to slay you in this manner. But since you live on the other side, I am a hero, and it is just." ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_293 293] * Doubtless there are natural laws; but good reason once corrupted has corrupted all. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_294 294] ** '''There no doubt exist natural laws, but once this fine reason of ours was corrupted, it corrupted everything.''' [Variant Translation] * A strange justice that is bounded by a river! Truth on this side of the Pyrenees, error on the other side. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_294 294] ** '''It is a funny sort of justice whose limits are marked by a river; truth on this side of the Pyrenees, error on the other.''' [Variant Translation] * '''Justice without might is helpless; might without justice is tyrannical.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_298 298] * Equality of possessions is no doubt right, but, as men could not make might obey right, they have made right obey might. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_299 299] * Justice is as much a matter of fashion as charm is. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_309 309] * ''Mais c'est une ignorance savante qui se connaît.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_327 327] ** Translation: It is a wise ignorance which knows itself. ** Translation: A learned ignorance which is conscious of itself. * Nothing is surer than that the people will be weak. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_330 330] * '''One must have deeper motives and judge everything accordingly, but go on talking like an ordinary person.''' ** ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_336 336] === Section VI: The Philosophers (339-424) === * '''I cannot imagine a man without thought; he would be a stone or an animal.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_339 339] * The [[arithmetical machine]] produces effects which approach nearer to thought than all the actions of animals. But it does nothing which would enable us to attribute [[w:Volition_(psychology)|will]] to it, as to the animals. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_340 340] * Instinct and reason, marks of two natures. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_344 344] * '''Reason commands us far more than imperiously than a master; for in disobeying''' the one we are unfortunate, and in disobeying the other '''we are fools.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_345 345] * '''Thought constitutes the greatness of man.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_346 346] * ''L'homme n'est qu'un roseau, le plus faible de la nature; mais c'est un roseau pensant. Il ne faut pas que l’univers entier s’arme pour l’écraser : une vapeur, une goutte d’eau suffit pour le tuer. Mais quand l’univers l’écraserait, l’homme serait encore plus noble que ce qui le tue, parce qu’il sait qu’il meurt, et l’avantage que l’univers a sur lui, l’univers n’en sait rien. Ainsi toute notre dignité consiste dans la pensée. C'est de là qu'il faut nous relever, non de l'espace et de la durée. Travaillons donc à bien penser. voilà le principe de la morale.'' (Pascal, ''Pensées,'' ed.Ch.M des Granges, Garnier, Paris, 1964, no.347 p. 162) ** '''Man is but a reed, the most feeble thing in nature; but he is a thinking reed. The entire universe need not arm itself to crush him. A vapour, a drop of water suffices to kill him. But, if the universe were to crush him, man would still be more noble than that which killed him, because he knows that he dies and the advantage which the universe has over him; the universe knows nothing of this. All our dignity consists, then, in thought. By it we must elevate ourselves, and not by space and time which we cannot fill. Let us endeavour, then, to think well; this is the principle of morality.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_347 347] * It is not from space that I must seek my dignity, but from the government of my thought. I shall have no more if I possess worlds. By space the universe encompasses and swallows me up like an atom; by thought I comprehend the world. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_348 348] ** It is not in space that I must seek my human dignity, but in the ordering of my thought. It will do me no good to own land. '''Through space the universe grasps me and swallows me up like a speck; through thought I grasp it.''' [Variant Translation] * ''Immateriality of the soul.''—'''Philosophers who have mastered their passions. What matter could do that?''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_349 349] * '''Those great spiritual efforts, which the soul sometimes assays, are things on which it does not lay hold. It only leaps to''' [toward] '''them''', not as upon a throne, for ever, but '''merely for an instant.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_351 351] * The strength of a man's virtue must not be measured by his efforts, but by his ordinary life. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_352 352] * '''We do not display greatness by going to one extreme, but in touching both at once, and filling all the intervening space. But perhaps this is only a sudden movement of the soul from one to the other extreme, and in fact it is ever at one point only, as in the case of a [[wiktionary:firebrand|firebrand]].''' ...at least this indicates agility, if not expanse of soul. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_353 353] * '''Continuous eloquence wearies.''' ...Grandeur must be abandoned to be appreciated. Continuity in everything is unpleasant. ...'''Nature acts by progress, ''itus et reditus''. It goes and returns''', then advances further, then twice as much backwards, then more forward than ever, etc. The tide of the sea behaves in the same manner; and so apparently does the sun in its course. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_355 355] * '''The nourishment of the body is little by little. Fullness of nourishment and smallness of substance.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_356 356] * '''When we would pursue virtues to their extremes on either side, vices present themselves''' insensibly there, in their insensible journeys towards the infinitely little; and vices present themselves in a crowd towards the infinitely great, '''so that we lose ourselves in them, and no longer see virtues.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_357 357] * '''We find fault with perfection itself.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_357 357] * ''L'homme n'est ni ange ni bête, et le malheur veut que qui veut faire l'ange fait la bête''. ** Man is neither angel nor brute, and the unfortunate thing is that '''he who would act the angel acts the brute.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_358 358] * '''We do not sustain ourselves in virtue by our own strength, but by the balancing of two opposed vices''', just as we remain upright amidst two contrary gales. '''Remove one of the vices, and we fall into the other.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_359 359] * '''''Thought''.'''—All the dignity of man consists in thought. Thought is therefore by its nature a wonderful and incomparable thing. It must have strange defects to be contemptible. But it has such, so that nothing is more ridiculous. '''How great it is in its nature! How vile it is in its defects!''' But what is this thought? How foolish it is! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_365 365] ** Thought constitutes the greatness of man. [Variant Translation] * '''The power of flies'''; they win battles, hinder our soul from acting, eat our body. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_367 367] * When it is said that heat is only the motion of certain molecules, and light the ''conatus recedendi'' [attempts to recede] which we feel, it astonishes us. ...'''The sensation from the fire, the warmth''' which affects us in a manner wholly different from touch, '''the reception of sound and light,''' all this appears to us mysterious, and yet '''it is material like the blow of a stone.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_368 368] * Memory is necessary for all the operations of reason. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_369 369] * '''Chance gives rise to thoughts, and chance removes them; no art can keep or acquire them. A thought has escaped me. I wanted to write it down. I write instead, that it has escaped me.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_370 370] * I constantly forget. This is as instructive to me as my forgotten thought; for '''I strive only to know my nothingness'''. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_372 372] * '''''Scepticism''.'''—I shall here write my thoughts without order, and not perhaps in unintentional confusion; that is the true order, which will always indicate my object by its very disorder. '''I should do too much honor to my subject, if I treated it with order, since I want to show that it is incapable of it.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_373 373] * '''What astonishes me most is to see that all the world is not astonished at its own weakness.''' ...But it is well that there are so many people in the world, who are not sceptics for the glory of scepticism, in order to show that '''man is''' quite '''capable of the most extravagant opinions,''' since he is capable '''of believing that he is not in a state of natural and inevitable weakness, but, on the contrary, of natural wisdom.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_374 374] * '''I have seen changes in all nations and men, and thus after many changes of judgement regarding true justice, I have recognized that our nature was but in continual change''', and I have not changed since; and if I changed, I would confirm my opinion. The sceptic [[w:Arcesilaus|Arcesilaus]], who became a dogmatist. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_375 375] * '''This sect derives more strength from its enemies than from its friends'''; for the weakness of man is far more evident in those who know it not than in those who know it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_376 376] * Discourses on humility are a source of pride in the vain, and of humility in the humble. So those on scepticism cause believers to affirm. '''Few men speak humbly of humility, chastely of chastity, few doubtingly of scepticism.''' We are only falsehood, duplicity, contradiction; '''we both conceal and disguise ourselves from ourselves.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_377 377] ** Man is only a disguise, a liar, a hypocrite, both to himself and to others. [Variant Translation] * ''Scepticism''.—'''Excess, like defect of intellect, is accused of madness. Nothing is good but mediocrity.''' The majority has settled that, and finds fault with him who escapes it at whatever end, I will not oppose it. I quite consent to put myself there, and refuse to be at the lower end, not because it is low, but because it is an end; for I would likewise refuse to be placed at the top. '''To leave the mean is to abandon humanity. The greatness of the human soul consists in knowing how to preserve the mean.''' So far from greatness consisting in leaving it, it consists in not leaving it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_378 378] * It is not good to have too much liberty. It is not good to have all one wants. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_379 379] * '''All good maxims are in the world. We only need apply them.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_380 380] * '''It is true that there must be inequality among men; but if this be conceded, the door is opened''' not only to the highest power, but '''to the highest tyranny.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_380 380] * We must relax our minds a little; but this opens the door to debauchery. '''Let us mark the limits. There are no limits in things.''' Laws would put them there, and the mind cannot suffer it. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_380 380] * When we are too young, we do not judge well; so, also, when we are too old. If we do not think enough, or if we think too much on any matter, we get obstinate and infatuated about it. If one considers one's work immediately after having done it, one is entirely prepossessed in its favour; by delaying too long, one can no longer enter into the spirit of it. So '''with pictures''' seen from too far or too near; '''there is but one exact point which is the true place wherefrom to look at them: the rest are too near, too far, too high, or too low. Perspective determines that point in the art of painting. But who shall determine it in truth and morality?''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_381 381] ** If we look at our work immediately after completing it, we are still too involved; if too long afterwards, we cannot pick up the thread again. [Variant Translation] * '''When all is equally agitated, nothing appears to be agitated, as in a ship.''' When all tend to debauchery, none appears to do so. '''He who stops draws attention to the excess of others, like a fixed point.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_382 382] * The licentious tell men of orderly lives that they stray from nature's path, while they themselves follow it; as people in a ship think those move who are on the shore. On all sides the language is similar. '''We must have a fixed point in order to judge. The harbour decides for those who are in a ship; but where shall we find a harbour in morality?''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_383 383] * Contradiction is a bad sign of truth; several things which are certain are contradicted; several things which are false pass without contradiction. '''Contradiction is not a sign of falsity, nor the want of contradiction a sign of truth.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_384 384] * ''Scepticism''.—Each thing here is partly true and partly false. Essential truth is not so; it is altogether pure and altogether true. This mixture dishonors and annihilates it. ...You will say it is true that homicide is wrong. Yes; for we know well the wrong and the false. ...Not to kill? No; for lawlessness would be horrible, and the wicked would kill all the good. To kill? No; for that destroys nature. '''We possess truth and goodness only in part, and mingled with falsehood and evil.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_385 385] * If we dreamt the same thing every night, it would affect us as much as the objects we see every day. And '''if the artisan were sure to dream every night for twelve hours' duration that he was king, I believe he would be almost as happy as a king, who should dream every night that he was an artisan.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_386 386] * '''Life is a dream a little less inconstant.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_386 386] * ''Il n'est pas certain que tout soit incertain.'' ** '''It is not certain that everything is uncertain.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_387 387] * ...'''we cannot define these things without obscuring them, while we speak of them with all assurance. ...our doubts cannot take away all the clearness, nor our own natural lights chase away all the darkness.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_392 392] * ...logicians. It seems that their license must be without any limits or barriers, since they have broken through so many that are so just and sacred. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_393 393] * All the principles of skeptics, stoics, atheists, etc., are true. But their conclusions are false, because the opposite principles are also true. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_394 394] * '''We have an incapacity of proof, insurmountable by all dogmatism. We have an idea of truth, invincible to all skepticism.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_395 395] * Two things instruct man about his whole nature; instinct and experience. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_396 396] * The greatness of man is great in that he knows himself to be miserable. A tree does not know itself to be miserable. It is then being miserable to know oneself to be miserable; but it is also being great to know that one is miserable. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_397 397] ** The grandeur of man is great in that he knows himself to be miserable. [Variant Translation] * ...we cannot endure being despised, or not being esteemed by any soul; and all the happiness of men consists in this esteem. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_400 400] * ''Les bêtes ne s'admirent point. Un cheval n'admire point son compagnon'' ** Translation: Animals do not admire one another. A horse does not admire his companion. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=3jQ2AQAAMAAJ&&q=%22Les+b%C3%AAtes+ne+s'admirent+point+Un+cheval+n'admire+point+son+compagnon%22&pg=PA304#v=onepage 401] * Who is unhappy at having only one mouth? And who is not unhappy at having only one eye? Probably no man ever ventured to mourn at not having three eyes. But any one is inconsolable at having none. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_409 409] * '''Notwithstanding the sight of all our miseries, which press upon us and take us by the throat, we have an instinct which we cannot repress, and which lifts us up.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_411 411] * '''There is internal war in man between reason and the passions. If he had only reason without passions. If he had only passions without reason. But having both, he cannot be without strife, being unable to be at peace with the one without being at war with the other. Thus he is always divided against, and opposed to himself.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_412 412] * This internal war of reason against the passions has made a division of those who would have peace into two sects. The first would renounce their passions, and become gods; the others would renounce reason, and become brute beasts. But neither can do so, and reason still remains, to condemn the vileness and injustice of the passions, and to trouble the repose of those who abandon themselves to them; and the passions keep always alive in those who would renounce them. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_413 413] * '''Men are so necessarily mad, that not to be mad would amount to another form of madness.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_414 414] * This twofold nature of man is so evident that some have thought that we had two souls. A single subject seemed to them incapable of such sudden variations from unmeasured presumption to a dreadful dejection of heart. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_417 417] * '''Man must not think that he is on a level either with the brutes or with the angels, nor must he be ignorant of both sides of his nature; but he must know both.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_418 418] *'''S’il se vante, je l’abaisse ; s’il s’abaisse, je le vante, et le contredis toujours, jusqu’à ce qu’il comprenne, qu’il est un monstre incompréhensible.''' [//fr.wikisource.org/wiki/Page%3APascal_-_Pensées%2C_édition_de_Port-Royal%2C_1670.djvu/249] **Translation: If [Man] exalt himself, I humble him, if he humble himself, I exalt him; and [I] always contradict him, until he understands that he is an incomprehensible monster. * I blame equally those who choose to praise man, those who choose to blame him, and those who choose to amuse themselves; and I can only approve of those who seek with lamentation. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_421 421] * '''It is good to be tired and wearied by the vain search after the true good, that we may stretch out our arms to the Redeemer.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_422 422] === Section VII: Morality and Doctrine (425-555) === * All these examples of wretchedness prove his greatness. It is the wretchedness of a great lord, the wretchedness of a dispossessed king. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_425 425] * ''Qu’est-ce donc que nous crie cette avidité et cette impuissance, sinon qu’il y a eu autrefois en l’homme un véritable bonheur dont il ne lui reste maintenant que la marque et la trace toute vide, qu’il essaye inutilement de remplir de tout ce qui l’environne, en cherchant dans les choses absentes le secours qu’il n’obtient pas des présentes, et que les unes et les autres sont incapables de lui donner, parce que ce gouffre infini ne peut être rempli que par un objet infini et immuable, c'est-à-dire que par Dieu même.'' ( ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_425 425]) ** What does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object, in other words by God himself. [[File:Blaise Pascal Versailles.JPG|thumb|There is enough light for those who only desire to see, and enough obscurity for those who have a contrary disposition.]] * '''In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.''' ** Variant translation: There is enough light for those who only desire to see, and enough obscurity for those who have a contrary disposition. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_430 430] * ''Qui sait si cette autre moitié de la vie où nous pensons veiller n'est pas un autre sommeil un peu différent du premier.'' ** Who knows if this other half of life where we think we're awake is not another sleep a little different from the first. ** who knows whether the other half of our life, in which we think we are awake, is not another sleep a little different from the former, from which we awake when we suppose ourselves asleep? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_434 434] [Variant Translation] * What a chimera then is man! What a novelty! What a monster, what a chaos, what a contradiction, what a prodigy! Judge of all things, imbecile worm of the earth; depositary of truth, a sink of uncertainty and error; the pride and refuse of the universe! ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_434 434] ** What a Chimera is man! What a novelty, a monster, a chaos, a contradiction, a prodigy! Judge of all things, an imbecile worm of the earth; depository of truth, and sewer of error and doubt; the glory and refuse of the universe. [Variant Translation] * ''Le moi est haïssable''. * Self is hateful. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_455 455] ** '''The self is hateful.''' [Variant Translation] * '''Man is so made that if he is told often enough that he is a fool he believes it.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_535 535] === Section VIII: The Fundamentals of the Christian Religion (556-588) === * ...religion must so be the object and center to which all things tend, that whoever knows the principles of religion can give an explanation both of the whole nature of man in particular, and of the whole course of the world in general. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_555 555] * We understand nothing of the works of God unless we take it as a principle that He wishes to blind some and to enlighten others. ** 565 === Section IX: Perpetuity (589-641) === * Rivers are highways that move on, and bear us whither we wish to go. ** Reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919). *''Différence entre J.-C. et Mahomet. Mahomet non prédit, J.-C. prédit. Mahomet en tuant, J.-C. en faisant tuer les siens. Mahomet en défendant de lire, les apôtres en ordonnant de lire. Enfin cela est si contraire que si Mahomet a pris la voie de réussir humainement, J.-C. a pris celle de périr humainement et qu'au lieu de conclure que puisque Mahomet a réussi, J.-C. a bien pu réussir, il faut dire que puisque Mahomet a réussi, J.-C. devait périr.'' **The difference between [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] and [[Muhammad|Mahomet]]. — Mahomet was not foretold; Jesus Christ was foretold. <br> Mahomet slew; Jesus Christ caused His own to be slain. <br> Mahomet forbade reading; the Apostles ordered reading. <br> In fact the two are so opposed, that if Mahomet took the way to succeed from a worldly point of view, Jesus Christ, from the same point of view, took the way to perish. And instead of concluding that, since Mahomet succeeded, Jesus Christ might well have succeeded, we ought to say that since Mahomet succeeded, Jesus Christ should have failed. ** ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_598 598] === Section X: [[w:Typology_(theology)|Typology]] (642-692) === * ''Surge''. God, wishing to show that He could form a people holy with an invisible holiness, and fill them with an eternal glory, made visible things. As nature is an image of grace, He has done in the bounties of nature what He would do in those of grace, in order that we might judge that He could make the invisible, since He made the visible excellently. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_642 642] * '''The ordinary life of men is like that of the saints. They all seek their satisfaction, and differ only in the object in which they place it... God has then shown the power which He has of giving invisible blessings, by that which He has shown Himself to have over things visible.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_642 642] * The law was [[w:Literal_and_figurative_language|figurative]]. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_646 646] * '''Two errors: 1. To take everything literally. 2. To take everything spiritually.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_647 647] * The clearness in divine things requires us to revere the obscurities in them. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_649 649] * ''Particular Types''.—A double law, double tables of the law, a double temple, a double captivity. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_651 651] * In God the word does not differ from the intention, for He is true; nor the word from the effect, for He is powerful; nor the means from the effect, for He is wise. Bern., ''ult sermo in Missam''. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_653 653] * [[Augustine_of_Hippo|Augustine]], ''De civitate Dei'', v. 10. This rule is general. God can do everything, except those things, which if He could do, He would not be almighty, as dying, being deceived, lying, &c. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_653 653] * The six ages, the six Fathers of the six ages, the six wonders at the beginning of the six ages, the six mornings at the beginning of the six ages. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_654 654] * '''The symbols of the Gospel for the state of the sick soul are sick bodies; but because one body cannot be sick enough to express it well, several have been needed.''' Thus there are the deaf, the dumb, the blind, the paralytic, the dead Lazarus, the possessed. All this crowd is in the sick soul. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_657 657] * ''Types''.—To show that '''the Old Testament is only [[w:Literal_and_figurative_language|figurative]]''', and that '''the prophets understood by [[wiktionary:temporal#English|temporal]] blessings [[w:Divinity|other blessings]]''', this is the proof: First, that this would be unworthy of God. Secondly, that their discourses express very clearly the promise of temporal blessings, and that they say nevertheless that their discourses are obscure, and that their meaning will not be understood. Whence it appears that this secret meaning was not that which they openly expressed, and that consequently they meant to speak of other sacrifices, of another deliverer, etc. They say that they will be understood only in the fullness of time. The third proof is that their discourses are contradictory, and neutralize each other; so that if we think that they did not mean by the words "law" and "sacrifice" anything else than that of Moses, there is a plain and gross contradiction. Therefore they meant something else, sometimes contradicting themselves in the same chapter. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_658 658] * Lust has become natural to us, and has made our second nature. Thus there are two natures in us—the one good, the other bad. '''Where is God? Where you are not, and the kingdom of God is within you.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_659 659] * "The Messiah," said they, "abideth for ever, and this man says that he shall die." Therefore they believed Him neither mortal nor eternal; they only sought in Him for a carnal greatness. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_661 661] ** John xii, 34. * "If the light be darkness, how great is that darkness!" ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_664 664] ** Matthew vi, 23. * Sinners lick the dust, that is to say, love earthly pleasures. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_665 665] ** Ps. lxxii, 9. * The Old Testament contained the types of future joy, and the New contains the means of arriving at it. The types were of joy; the means of penitence; and nevertheless the [[w:Korban_Pesach|Paschal Lamb]] was eaten with [[w:Marror|bitter herbs]], ''[[wiktionary:cum#Latin|cum]] [[wiktionary:amaritudo#Latin|amaritudinibus]]''. * The world having grown old in these carnal errors, Jesus Christ came at the time foretold, but not with the expected glory; and thus men did not think it was He. After His death, '''[[Paul the Apostle|Saint Paul]] came to teach men that all these things had happened in [[w:Allegory|allegory]]; that the kingdom of God did not consist in the flesh, but in the spirit; that the enemies of men were not the Babylonians, but the passions; that God delighted not in temples made with hands, but in a pure and contrite heart; that the circumcision of the body was unprofitable, but that of the heart was needed'''... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_669 669] * But God, not having desired to reveal these things to this people who were unworthy of them, and having nevertheless desired to foretell them, in order that they might be believed, foretold the time clearly, and expressed the things sometimes clearly, but very often in figures, in order that those who loved symbols might consider them, and those who loved what was symbolized might see it therein. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_669 669] * '''All that tends not to charity is [[w:Literal_and_figurative_language|figurative]]. The sole aim of the Scripture is [[w:Charity_(virtue)|charity]].''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_669 669] * '''All which tends not to the sole end is the [[w:Typology_(theology)|type]] of it. For since there is only one end, all which does not lead to it in express terms is figurative.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_669 669] * And Christians take even the [[w:Eucharist|Eucharist]] as a type of the glory at which they aim. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_669 669] * '''The type has been made according to the truth, and the truth has been recognized according to the type.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_672 672] * '''For the visible blessings which they received from God were so great and so divine, that He indeed appeared able to give them those that are invisible, and a Messiah.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_674 674] * For nature is an image of Grace, and visible miracles are images of the invisible. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_674 674] * In these promises each one finds what he has most at heart, temporal benefits or spiritual, God or the creatures; but with this difference, that those who therein seek the creatures find them, but with many contradictions, with a prohibition against loving them, with the command to worship God only, and to love Him only, which is the same thing... ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_674 674] * A type conveys absence and presence, pleasure and pain. A cipher has a double meaning, one clear, and one in which it is said that the meaning is hidden. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_676 676] * A cipher has two meanings. ...the more so if we find obvious contradictions in the literal meaning? The prophets have clearly said... that their meaning would not be understood, and that it was veiled. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_677 677] * How greatly then ought we to value those who interpret the cipher, and teach us to understand the hidden meaning, especially if the principles which they educe are perfectly clear and natural! '''This is what Jesus Christ did, and the Apostles. They broke the seal; He rent the veil, and revealed the spirit. They have taught us through this that the enemies of man are his passions'''; that the Redeemer would be spiritual, and His reign spiritual; that '''there would be two [[wiktionary:advent#English|advents]], one in lowliness to humble the proud, the other in glory to exalt the humble'''; that Jesus Christ would be both God and man. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_677 677] * Two great revelations are these. (1) All things happened to them in types: vere Israëlitæ, vere liberi, true bread from Heaven. (2) A God humbled to the Cross. '''It was necessary that Christ should suffer in order to enter into glory, "that He should destroy death through death." Two [[w:Second Coming of Christ|advents]].''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_678 678] * ''Types''.—When once this secret is disclosed, it is impossible not to see it. Let us read the Old Testament in this light, and let us see if the sacrifices were real; if the fatherhood of Abraham was the true cause of the friendship of God; and if the promised land was the true place of rest. No. They are therefore types. '''Let us in the same way examine all those ordained ceremonies, all those commandments which are not of charity, and we shall see that they are types.''' All these sacrifices and ceremonies were then either types or nonsense. Now these are things too clear, and too lofty, to be thought nonsense. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_679 679] * To know if the prophets confined their view in the Old Testament, or saw therein other things. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_679 679] * ''Typical''.—The key of the cipher. ''Veri adoratores.—Ecce agnus Dei qui tollit peccata mundi.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_680 680] ** ''Veri adoratores'' meaning true worshipers ''from John iv, 23: But the hour is coming, and it is now, when true worshipers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth''. ** ''Ecce agnus etc.'' meaning Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world ''from John i, 29: as John saw Jesus coming toward him''. * ''Types''.—'''The letter kills. All happened in types.''' Here is the cipher which Saint Paul gives us. Christ must suffer. An humiliated God. Circumcision of the heart, true fasting, true sacrifice, a true temple. The prophets have shown that all these must be spiritual. Not the meat which perishes, but that which does not perish. "Ye shall be free indeed." Then the other freedom was only a type of freedom. "I am the true bread from Heaven." ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_682 682] ** "Ye shall be free indeed."—John viii, 36 ** "I am the true bread from Heaven."—John vi, 32. * ''Contradiction''. ...Thus, to understand Scripture, we must have a meaning in which all the contrary passages are reconciled. ...We must then seek for a meaning which reconciles all discrepancies. ...If we take the law, the sacrifices, and the kingdom as realities, we cannot reconcile all the passages. They must then necessarily be only types. We cannot even reconcile the passages of the same author, nor of the same book, nor sometimes of the same chapter, which indicates copiously what was the meaning of the author. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_683 683] * Do all these passages indicate what is real? No. Do they then indicate what is typical? No, but what is either real or typical. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_684 684] * ''Contradictions''.— ...The eternal law—changed. The eternal covenant—a new covenant. Good laws—bad precepts. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_685 685] * '''When the word of God, which is really true, is false literally, it is true spiritually.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_686 686] * If one of two persons, who are telling silly stories, uses language with a double meaning, understood in his own circle, while the other uses it with only one meaning, any one not in the secret, who hears them both talk in this manner, will pass upon them the same judgment. But if afterwords, in the rest of their conversation one says angelic things, and the other always dull commonplaces, he will judge that the one spoke in mysteries, and not the other; the one having sufficiently shown that he is incapable of such foolishness, and capable of being mysterious; and the other that he is incapable of mystery, and capable of foolishness. The Old Testament is a cipher. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_690 690] * There are some that see clearly that man has no other enemy than lust, which turns him from God, and not God; and that he has no other good than God, and not a rich land. Let those who believe that the good of man is in the flesh, and evil in what turns him away from sensual pleasures, [satiate] themselves with them, and [die] in them. ...I shall make them see that a Messiah has been promised, who should deliver them from their enemies, and that One has come to free them from their iniquities, but not from their enemies. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_691 691] ** '''There are those who clearly perceive, that man has no enemy but the propensity to evil which draws him from God''', and that his only good must be God, and not earthly good. Let those who believe that sensual enjoyment constitutes man's chief good, and that its deprivation is the greatest evil that can befall him, indulge themselves without restraint, and perish in their excesses. ...A Messiah was promised, to deliver his people from their enemies: and a Messiah has come to deliver them, not from temporal enemies, but from their sins. [translator: Isaac Taylor, Esq., 1838] === Section XI: The Prophecies (693-736) === * '''When I see the blindness and the wretchedness of man, when I regard the whole silent universe, and man without light, left to himself''', and, as it were, '''lost''' in this corner of the universe, '''without knowing who has put him there, what he has come to do, what will become of him at death, and incapable of all [[knowledge]], I become terrified, like a man''' who should be carried in his sleep to a dreadful desert island, and should awaken without knowing where he is, and '''without means of escape. And thereupon I wonder how people in a condition so wretched do not fall into despair.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_692 692] * '''I see other persons''' around me of a like nature. I ask them if they are better informed than I am. They tell me that they are not. And thereupon '''these wretched and lost beings, having''' looked around them, and '''seen some pleasing objects, have given and attached themselves to them.''' For my own part, '''I have not been able to attach myself''' to them, '''and, considering how strongly it appears that there is something else than what I see, I have examined whether this God has not left a sign of Himself.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_692 692] * Every one can call himself a prophet. But I see the Christian religion wherein prophecies are fulfilled; and that is what every one cannot do. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_692 692] * Now, '''if the passions had no hold on us, a week and a hundred years would amount to the same.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_693 693] * It is glorious to see with the eyes of faith the history of Herod and Cæser. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_699 699] * ''Prophecies. Proofs of Divinity''.—Is. xli.: "Shew the things that are to come hereafter, that we may know that ye are gods: we will incline our heart unto your words. Teach us the things that have been at the beginning, and declare us things for to come. "By this we shall know that ye are gods. Yea, do good and do evil, if you can. Let us then behold it and reason together. Behold ye are of nothing, and only an abomination, &c. Who," (among contemporary writers), "hath declared from the beginning and origin? that we may say, You are righteous. There is none that teacheth us, yea, there is none that declareth the future." * It was foretold that, in the time of the Messiah, He should come to establish a new covenant, which should make them forget the escape from Egypt (Jer. xxiii, 5; Is. xliii, 10); that He should place His law not in externals, but in the heart; that He should put His fear, which had only been from without, in the midst of the heart. Who does not see the Christian law in all this? ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_728 728] === Section XII: Proofs of Jesus Christ (737-802) === * A God humiliated, even to the death on the cross; a Messiah triumphing over death by his own death. Two natures in Jesus Christ, two advents, two states of man's nature. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_764 764] === Section XIII: The Miracles (803-856) === * Miracles and truth are necessary, because it is necessary to convince the entire man, in body and soul. ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_805 805] === Section XIV: Appendix: Polemical Fragments (857-924) === * ''Jamais on ne fait le mal si pleinement et si gaiement, que quand on le fait par un faux principe de conscience.'' **Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. Perhaps we can better this translation. * This popular (since at least 1910) paraphrase most tellingly omits faux/false, and then translates "un faux principe de conscience" as "religious conviction." * An older translation is (Isaac Taylor, 1838): **Men never commit injustice so readily, and with so little concern, as when they act upon a faise principle of conscience. * More literally, a translation would be: **We never do evil so fully and so gayly, as when we do it by a false principle of conscience. (Google Translate) **Never do evil so fully and so gayely, as when we do it by a false principle of conscience. (Bing Translate) *** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_894 894] - #895 in the French original *** [http://www.pascalpense.org/documents/BlaisePascal-PenseeFR.pdf 895] * ''Le silence est la plus grande persécution; jamais les saints ne se sont tus.'' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm#p_919 919] ** '''Silence is the greatest persecution; never do the saints keep themselves silent.''' == Lafuma Edition == * Thinking too little about things or thinking too much both make us obstinate and fanatical. ** 21 * The two principles of truth, reason and senses, are not only both not genuine, but are engaged in mutual deception. The senses deceive reason through false appearances, and the senses are disturbed by passions, which produce false impressions. ** 45 * What part of us feels pleasure? Is it our hand, our arm, our flesh, or our blood? It must obviously be something immaterial. ** 108 == Sellier Edition == === 1. Table, etc. === * It is much more glorious for the Messiah that they should be the observers and even the instruments of his glory—other than that God had chosen them. ** 4 * I would be much more afraid of being wrong and finding out that the Christian religion is true than of being wrong in believing it to be true. ** 6 * Man's true nature, his true good, true virtue, and true religion, are things that cannot be known separately. ** 12 * The philosophers did not prescribe feelings proportionate to the two states.<br>They inspired impulses of pure greatness, and this is not man's state.<br>They inspired impulses of pure lowliness, and this is not man's state. ** 17 * Man does not know what rank he should occupy. He has obviously gone astray and fallen from his true place, lacking the power to find it again. He looks for it everywhere anxiously and unsuccessfully, in impenetrable darkness. ** 19 * We want truth and find only uncertainty in ourselves.<br>We seek happiness and find only wretchedness and death.<br>We are incapable of not wanting truth and happiness and are incapable of certainty or happiness. ** 20 * I blame equally those who decide to praise man, those who blame him, and those who amuse themselves; and I can approve only of those who search in anguish. ** 24 * Whoever wants to know man's vanity fully has only to consider the causes and effects of love. The cause is a something I know not what. Corneille. And the effects are frightening. This something I know not what, so insignificant that we cannot recognize it, disturbs the whole earth, princes, armies, the entire world. Cleopatra's nose: had it been shorter, the whole face of the earth would have been changed. ** 32 == Other sources == * Go to confession and communion; you will find it a relief and a strengthening. ** Havet ed., Book II, p. 8. quoted in Will Durant, ''The Story of Civilization: The age of Louis XIV, 1648-1715'', p. 65 ==Quotes about Pensées== * What Pascal said of an effective religion is true of any effective doctrine: It must be "contrary to nature, to common sense and to pleasure." ** [[Eric Hoffer]], ''The True Believer'' (1951) &#167;56, referencing ''Pensées'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource}} * [https://books.google.com/books?id=LbkIAAAAQAAJ ''The Thoughts of Blaise Pascal translated from the Text of M. Auguste Molinier''] Tr. C. Kegan Paul (1885) * [http://pascalpense.org/index.php Pascal pense que] - A complete and completely searchable copy of Blaise Pascal’s 1662 text, the Pensées, in the original French. [[Category:Philosophical works]] [[Category:Religious studies books]] ams9eh0unj96z0bewocy1adl087rk6h 0 158147 3955146 3182844 2026-06-21T21:14:24Z Ficaia 3085955 3955146 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Vignette by Loutherbourg for the Macklin Bible 109 of 134. Bowyer Bible New Testament. Headpiece to 2 Thessalonians.gif|thumb|Therefore, brethren, stand fast, and hold the traditions which ye have been taught, whether by word, or our epistle.]] The '''[[w:Second Epistle to the Thessalonians|Second Epistle to the Thessalonians]]''' is a Pauline epistle from the New Testament of the Christian Bible. It is traditionally attributed to [[Paul the Apostle]], with [[w:Saint Timothy|Timothy]] as a co-author, because it begins, "Paul, and Silvanus, and Timothy, unto the church of the Thessalonians in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ;" (1:1) and ends, "The salutation of Paul with mine own hand, which is the token in every epistle: so I write" (3:17). Its authorship is disputed, with critical commentators being evenly divided on Pauline authorship. == Quotes == * εἴπερ δίκαιον παρὰ θεῷ ἀνταποδοῦναι τοῖς θλίβουσιν ὑμᾶς θλῖψιν ⁷ καὶ ὑμῖν τοῖς θλιβομένοις ἄνεσιν μεθ’ ἡμῶν ἐν τῇ ἀποκαλύψει τοῦ κυρίου Ἰησοῦ ἀπ’ οὐρανοῦ μετ’ ἀγγέλων δυνάμεως αὐτοῦ ⁸ ἐν φλογὶ πυρός, διδόντος ἐκδίκησιν τοῖς μὴ εἰδόσι θεὸν καὶ τοῖς μὴ ὑπακούουσιν τῷ εὐαγγελίῳ τοῦ κυρίου ἡμῶν Ἰησοῦ, ⁹ οἵτινες δίκην τίσουσιν ὄλεθρον αἰώνιον ἀπὸ προσώπου τοῦ κυρίου καὶ ἀπὸ τῆς δόξης τῆς ἰσχύος αὐτοῦ, ** 1:6-9 ** This takes into account that it is righteous on God’s part to repay tribulation to those who make tribulation for you. But you who suffer tribulation will be given relief along with us at the revelation of the Lord Jesus from heaven with his powerful angels in a flaming fire, as he brings vengeance on those who do not know God and those who do not obey the good news about our Lord Jesus. These very ones will undergo the judicial punishment of everlasting destruction from before the Lord and from the glory of his strength... ([[NWT]]) * Ἐρωτῶμεν δὲ ὑμᾶς, ἀδελφοί, ὑπὲρ τῆς παρουσίας τοῦ κυρίου ἡμῶν Ἰησοῦ Χριστοῦ καὶ ἡμῶν ἐπισυναγωγῆς ἐπ’ αὐτόν, ² εἰς τὸ μὴ ταχέως σαλευθῆναι ὑμᾶς ἀπὸ τοῦ νοὸς μηδὲ θροεῖσθαι μήτε διὰ πνεύματος μήτε διὰ λόγου μήτε δι’ ἐπιστολῆς ὡς δι’ ἡμῶν, ὡς ὅτι ἐνέστηκεν ἡ ἡμέρα τοῦ κυρίου. ³ μή τις ὑμᾶς ἐξαπατήσῃ κατὰ μηδένα τρόπον· ὅτι ἐὰν μὴ ἔλθῃ ἡ ἀποστασία πρῶτον καὶ ἀποκαλυφθῇ ὁ ἄνθρωπος τῆς ἀνομίας, ὁ υἱὸς τῆς ἀπωλείας, ** 2:1-3 ** Now we beseech you, brethren, by the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, and by our gathering together unto him, That ye be not soon shaken in mind, or be troubled, neither by spirit, nor by word, nor by letter as from us, as that the day of Christ is at hand. Let no man deceive you by any means: for that day shall not come, except there come a falling away first, and that man of sin be revealed, the son of perdition; ([[KJV]]) * αρα ουν αδελφοι στηκετε και κρατειτε τας παραδοσεις ας εδιδαχθητε ειτε δια λογου ειτε δι επιστολης ημων ([[w:Westcott and Hort|WHNU]]) ** 2:15 ** Therefore, brethren, stand fast, and hold the traditions which ye have been taught, whether by word, or our epistle. ([[KJV]]) ** So then, brethren, stand firm and hold to the traditions which you were taught by us, either by word of mouth or by letter. ([[w:Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition|RSVCE]]) ** So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings[a] we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. ([[NIV]]) * Ὑμεῖς δέ, ἀδελφοί, μὴ ἐγκακήσητε καλοποιοῦντες. ** 3:13 ** But ye, brethren, be not weary in well doing. (KJV) ** And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good. (NIV) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Bible contents}} [[Category:Works by Paul of Tarsus]] [[Category:New Testament books]] 0zzr4db1r8b2d4xtc24ejpkr9n4vu6x 0 158923 3955068 3942035 2026-06-21T14:55:03Z ~2026-36210-98 3344262 /* Charles Xavier/Professor X */ 3955068 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:X-Men_Days_of_Future_Past_Title.png|thumb|In the [[future]], you and I will be [[good]] [[friends]]... You just don't [[know]] it yet.]] '''''[[w:X-Men: Days of Future Past|X-Men: Days of Future Past]]''''' is a 2014 superhero film and the seventh in a series of films, after ''[[w:The Wolverine|Wolverine]]'', based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] series [[w:X-Men|X-Men]]. The film focuses on two time periods and [[w:Wolverine (comics)|Wolverine]] going to 1973 to save the future of mankind. It is a sequel to both [[w:2006 in film|2006's]] ''[[X-Men: The Last Stand|X-Men 3: The Last Stand]]'' and [[w:2011 in film|2011's]] ''[[X-Men: First Class]]''. :''Directed by [[w:Bryan Singer|Bryan Singer]]. Screenplay by [[w:Simon Kinberg|Simon Kinberg]]. Story by [[w:Jane Goldman|Jane Goldman]], Simon Kinberg and [[w:Matthew Vaughn|Matthew Vaughn]].'' {{center|'''The future begins.''' ([[#Taglines|Taglines]])}} ==Charles Xavier/Professor X== * ''[opening monologue by older self in original timeline (voice over)]'' The future: a dark, desolate world. A world of war, suffering, loss on both sides. Mutants, and the humans who dared to help them, fighting an enemy we cannot defeat. Are we destined down this path, destined to destroy ourselves like so many species before us? Or can we evolve fast enough to change ourselves... change our fate? Is the future truly set? * ''[closing monologue by younger self in revised timeline (voice over)]'' The past: a new and uncertain world. A world of endless possibilities and infinite outcomes. Countless choices define our fate: each choice, each moment, a ripple in the river of time. Enough ripples, and you change the tide... for the future is never truly set. ==Dialogue== [[File:Editor at large 1206.svg|thumb|[[Pain]] will make you stronger. If you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it, it will make you more powerful than you ever imagined. It's the [[greatest]] [[gift]] we have: to bear ... [[pain]] without breaking. And it comes from the most [[human]] part of us: [[hope]].]] [[File:Pieter Bruegel the Elder (1568) The Blind Leading the Blind.jpg|thumb|Just because someone stumbles and loses their way, it doesn't mean they're lost forever. Sometimes, we all need a little help. ]] :''[Kitty Pride briefs Wolverine on the potential dangers of his time-travel mission]'' :'''Kitty Pryde''': Basically, your body will go to sleep while your mind travels back in time. As long as you're back there, past and present will continue to coexist. But once you wake up, whatever you've done will take hold and become history. And for the rest of us it'll be the only history that we know. It'll be like the last fifty years never happened. And this world, this war...the only person who will remember it is you. Alright, Logan, I need you to clear your head and to stay as calm as possible. :'''Wolverine''': What? What do you mean? :'''Kitty''': If your mind gets rocky it'll be harder for me to hold you. You could start to slip between past and future. :'''Wolverine''': What if I need to get a little rocky? :'''Kitty''': Think peaceful thoughts. :'''Wolverine''': Peaceful thoughts. You have any good news? :'''Kitty''': Well, you don't really age, so you'll pretty much look the same. :'''Iceman''': You won't have much time in the past, the Sentinels will find us. They always do. :'''Kitty''': And this time we won't be able to run, we'll have no escape. This is our last chance. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The [[w:United_States_Senate_Committee_on_Armed_Services|Senate Armed Services Committee]] hears out Bolivar Trask]'' :'''Senator Brickman''': We are reviewing our defense expenditures, and all the black books are being opened. We can't support a weapon that targets our own citizens. If these Mutants as you describe are already living among us, then they are living here peacefully. :'''Senator Parker''': We haven't had an incident in over ten years. :'''Senator Davis''': [[w:X-Men: First Class|After what happened in Cuba!]] :'''Parker''': It was never confirmed. ''[Addressing Trask]'' We have very real enemies out there. The Russians, the Chinese. :'''Brickman''': We are talking about a tenth of a tenth of a tenth of our population. :'''Dr. Bolivar Trask''': Allow me to read something to you. :'''Brickman''': Please. :'''Trask''': This was acquired from our friends in the CIA. ''[Opening a folder]'' It's a dissertation written by a mutant at Oxford University and I quote: "To ''Homo Neanderthalensis'', his mutant cousin: ''Homo Sapiens''," which is us, "was an aberration. The arrival of the mutated human species, ''Homo Sapiens'', was followed by the immediate extinction of their less evolved kin." ''[Closes the folder]'' Well, now ''we'' are the Neanderthal. :'''Brickman''': Speak for yourself, Dr. Trask. ''[Members of Congress laugh quietly]'' :'''Trask''': You know, when you sent our soldiers to Vietnam without the weapons they needed to win the war, you underestimated your enemy. You do that with this enemy and it won't be some border skirmish halfway around the world. This time, the war will be for our streets, our cities, our homes. By the time you see the need for my program, it'll be too late and you'll have lost two wars in one lifetime. :'''Brickman''': We're sorry Dr. Trask, but your Sentinel Program... it ain't gonna fly! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the elevator in the Pentagon's prison, Quicksilver changes clothes while Erik tries to catch his breath.]'' :'''Peter Maximoff''': It'll pass, it happens to everyone. You must've done something serious. What you do? What you do? What you do? Why did they have you in there? :'''Erik Lehnsherr''': For [[w:Assassination of John F. Kennedy|killing the President]]. :'''Peter''': Oh… ''[mouths quietly to the taped up guard, who undeniably understands his shock]'' Shit! :'''Erik''': If there's one thing I'm guilty of, it's fighting for people like us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Erik Lehnsherr''': How did you lose them? :'''Charles Xavier''': The treatment for my spine affects my DNA. :'''Erik''': You sacrificed your powers so you could ''walk''? :'''Charles''': I sacrificed my powers so I could ''sleep. [angrily]'' What do you know about it? :'''Erik''': I've lost my fair share. :'''Charles''': ''[laughs coldly]'' Dry your eyes, Erik. ''[angrily]'' It doesn't justify what you've done. :'''Erik''': You have no idea what I've done. :'''Charles''': I know you took the things that meant the most to me. :'''Erik''': Well, maybe you should have fought harder for them. :'''Charles''': ''[stands up in rage]'' If you want a fight, Erik, I will give you a fight! :'''Wolverine''': Sit down! :'''Erik''': Let him come. :'''Charles''': ''[seizes Erik by the front of his shirt]'' '''''YOU ABANDONED ME!!!!! YOU TOOK HER AWAY AND YOU ABANDONED ME!!!!!''''' :'''Erik''': Angel, ''[growing angrier as he recites the names]'' Azazel, Emma, Banshee. Mutant brothers and sisters, all dead! ''[Erik's rage begins to affect the plane's stability]'' '''''COUNTLESS OTHERS EXPERIMENTED ON, BUTCHERED!!!!!''''' :'''Hank''': Erik--! :'''Erik''': '''''WHERE WERE ''YOU'', CHARLES?! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO '''''PROTECT''''' THEM!!!!! WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOUR OWN PEOPLE NEEDED YOU?! HIDING!!!!! YOU AND HANK!!!!! PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT!!!!!''''' :'''Hank''': ''[trying to maintain control of the plane]'' Erik! :'''Erik''': ''[relinquishes his control of the plane, allowing Hank to regain control]'' You abandoned us all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charles''': '' ''[about Mystique]'' How was she? :'''Erik''': '' Strong. Driven. You should be proud of her. She's out there, fighting for our cause! :'''Charles''': '''Your''' cause. The girl I raised, she wasn't capable of killing. :'''Erik''': You didn't raise her, you grew up with her. And she couldn't stay your little girl forever, that's why she left :'''Charles''': ''[angrily]'' She left because ''you'' got inside her head! :'''Erik''': That's not ''my'' power. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rogue Cut only]'' :'''Professor X''': The walls are made of reinforced steel. :'''Magneto''': In other words, a door. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Trask meets military representatives from Communist countries before proceeding to the official signing of the [[w:Paris Peace Accords|Paris Peace Accords]]]'' :'''Dr. Bolivar Trask''': Good afternoon, everyone, hello, thank you all for coming. Congratulations on winning this war. Now, I know you all have hands to shake and photos to take downstairs so I will get right to the point. There is a new enemy out there; an enemy that will render your arsenals useless, your armies powerless and your nations defenseless. You'll need a new weapon for this war. ''[begins a slideshow presenting Sentinel schematics]'' I call them 'Sentinels', named after the ancient guardians who stood at the gates of the citadel. They have the aeronautic capabilities of a Harrier jet, armed with guns that can fire off more than two thousand rounds of thermoceramic ammunition per minute. But size, power, speed- you could find that at Lockheed or Boeing. No, what makes the Sentinels so special is the ability to target the mutant X-gene. A genetic guidance system that can lock onto a mark half a mile away and won't trigger unless it has identified the target. With this weapon, there will be ''no'' human collateral damage. If I turn it on, the system couldn't even activate in here ''[the detector starts beeping]''...unless there's a mutant. :''[The Detector stops at Raven who is posing as General Nhuan. Everybody else looks at "him" suspiciously]'' :'''Raven''': ''[disguised as General Nhuan]'' There has to be some kind of mistake. :'''Trask''': My machines don't make mistakes. What are you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Charles Xavier is exasperated over failing to work Cerebro again after so many years]'' :'''Hank McCoy''': I'll go check the generator. :'''Wolverine''': It's not the machinery, is it! :'''Charles''': I can't do this! :'''Logan''': Yes, you can! :'''Charles''': No, I can't! :'''Wolverine''': You're just a little rusty. :'''Charles''': You don't understand, it's not a question of being "rusty!" I can flip the switches, I can turn the knobs, but my power doesn't come from here ''[points to his head]'', it comes from...''here [points to his heart]''. And it's broken. I feel like one of my students. Helpless. It was a mistake coming down here , it was a mistake freeing Eric, this whole thing has been one bloody mistake! I'm sorry, Logan, but they sent back the wrong man! ''[Xavier starts to leave]'' :'''Wolverine''': You're right! ''[Xavier stops, surprised to hear him admit this]'' Actually, it was supposed to be you. But I was the only one who could physically make the trip. And, uh, I don't even know how long I've got here. But I '''do''' know that a long time ago-well, actually, a long time from now-'''I''' was your most helpless student. And you unlocked ''my'' mind. You showed me what I was, you showed me what I could be. I don't know how to do that for you, you're right, I don't! But I think I know someone who might. Look...into my mind. :'''Charles Xavier''': You saw what I just did to Cerebro! You don't want me inside your head! :'''Wolverine''': ''[amused]'' There's no damage you can do that hasn't already been done, trust me! :'''Charles''': :''[reads Logan's mind and see his torture at the hands of Weapon X, his fragmented memories, the death of Jean Grey, and his hard life.]'' You poor, poor man. :'''Wolverine''': Look past me. :'''Charles''': No, I don't want your suffering, I don't want your future! :'''Wolverine''': Look past my future! Look for '''your''' future. That's it. That's it... :''[Charles reads Logan's mind and appears in the future, where Professor X awaits him.]'' :'''Professor X''': Charles. :'''Charles''': Charles. ''[looks around to see the dire situation that both mutants and humanity face with the Sentinels in 2023.]'' Is this what becomes of us? Erik was right. Humanity does this to us. :'''Professor X''': Not if we show them a better path. :'''Charles''': You still believe? :'''Professor X''': Just because someone stumbles, loses their way, it doesn't mean they're lost forever. Sometimes, we all need a little help. :'''Charles''': I'm not the man I was. I open my mind up, and it almost overwhelms me. :'''Professor X''': You're afraid. And Cerebro knows it. :'''Charles''': All those voices... So much...''pain''. :'''Professor X''': It's not their pain you're afraid of. It's yours, Charles. And as frightening as it may be, that pain will make you stronger. If you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it, it will make you more powerful than you ever imagined. It's the greatest gift we have: to bear their pain without breaking. And it's born from the most human power: hope. ''[shows Charles his school for Mutants, his own compassion, what he fights for which helps ease his past self's mind.]'' Please, Charles, we ''need'' you to hope again. ''[Xavier, stunned, breaks the psychic link]'' :'''Wolverine''': Find what you were looking for? :''[The lights return. Hank enters, having fixed the generator.]'' :'''Hank McCoy''': The power's back on. :'''Charles''': Yes. Yes, it is. :''[Wolverine smiles.]'': <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having unleashed the Sentinel Mark Is, Erik controls a news camera and hold President Nixon, his cabinet and Trask hostage.]'' :'''Erik Lehnsherr''': You built these weapons to destroy us. Why? Because you are afraid of our gifts. Because we are different. Humanity has always feared that which is different, but I am here to tell you, to tell the world, you're right to fear us. We are the future. We are the ones who inherit this earth and anyone who stands in our way, will suffer the same fate as these men you see before you. Today was meant to be a display of your power. Instead I give you a glimpse of the devastation my race can unleash upon yours. Let this be a warning to the world and to my mutant brothers and sisters out there, I say this. No more hiding. No more suffering. You have lived in the shadows of shame and fear for too long. Come out. Join me. Fight together in a brotherhood of our kind, a new tomorrow that starts today. :''[In the future, Blink makes a valiant effort to fend off the Sentinels. She is later killed by them as Magneto begins to succumb to his injury.]'' :'''Magneto''': All those years wasted fighting each other, Charles, to have a precious few of them back. ''[Charles comforts him as the Sentinels begin using their energy beam to break through. Iceman tries to hold them off using his ice powers to barricade the door.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[seeing Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Storm seemingly alive, Logan steps into Professor X's office]'' :'''Wolverine''': You did it. :'''Professor X''': Did what? Logan, don't you have a class to teach? :'''Wolverine''': A class to teach? :'''Professor X''': History. :'''Wolverine''': History. Actually, I could use some help with that. :'''Professor X''': Help with what? :'''Wolverine''': Well, pretty much everything after 1973. ''[The Professor is surprised.]'' I think the history I know is a little different. :'''Professor X''': ''[reads Wolverine's mind and understands what he went through]'' Welcome back. :'''Wolverine''': It's good to see you, Charles. It's good to see everyone. :'''Professor X''': Well, I had a promise to keep. You and I have a lot of catching up to do. :'''Wolverine''': Yeah. :'''Professor X''': What's the last thing you remember? :'''Wolverine''': Drowning. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in 1973, as the police rescues a younger Wolverine, an officer on the case reads a newspaper with articles praising Mystique for saving President Nixon from Magneto while others report the Sentinel program's cancellation and Trask's arrest]'' :'''Officer''': What do you want to do with him, Stryker? :'''Raven Darkhölme''': ''[Disguised as a smiling Stryker]'' I'll take it from here. ==Taglines== * His past. Our future. * Every hero, every power will unite. * The future begins. ==Cast== :[[Hugh Jackman]] — [[w:Wolverine (comics)|Logan/Wolverine]] :[[w:James McAvoy|James McAvoy]] / [[Patrick Stewart]] — [[w:Professor X|Charles Xavier / Professor X]] :[[w:Michael Fassbender|Michael Fassbender]] / [[w:Ian Mckellen|Ian Mckellen]] — [[w:Magneto (comics)|Erik Lehnsherr / Magneto]] :[[w:Jennifer Lawrence|Jennifer Lawrence]] — [[w:Mystique (comics)|Raven Darkholme/Mystique]] :[[Halle Berry]] — [[w:Storm (Marvel Comics)|Storm]] :[[w:Nicholas Hoult|Nicholas Hoult]] — [[w:Beast (comics)|Hank/Beast]] :[[w:Anna Paquin|Anna Paquin]] — [[w:Rogue (comics)|Rogue]] :[[w:Elliot Page|Ellen Page]] — [[w:Shadowcat|Kitty Pryde]] :[[w:Peter Dinklage|Peter Dinklage]] — [[w:Bolivar Trask|Dr. Bolivar Trask]] :[[w:Shawn Ashmore|Shawn Ashmore]] — [[w:Iceman (comics)|Bobby/Iceman]] :[[w:Omar Sy|Omar Sy]] — [[w:Bishop (comics)|Bishop]] :[[w:Evan Peters|Evan Peters]] — [[w:Quicksilver (comics)|Peter/Quicksilver]] :[[w:Josh Helman|Josh Helman]] — [[w:William Stryker|Maj. Bill Stryker]] :[[w:Daniel Cudmore|Daniel Cudmore]] — [[w:Colossus (comics)|Colossus]] :[[w:Fan Bingbing|Fan Bingbing]] — [[w:Blink (comics)|Blink]] :[[w:Adan Canto|Adan Canto]] — [[w:Sunspot (comics)|Sunspot]] :[[w:Booboo Stewart|Booboo Stewart]] — [[w:Warpath (comics)|Warpath]] ==See Also== * [[X-Men (comics)]] * [[X-Men (film)|X-Men]] * [[X2 (film)|X-Men 2]] * [[X-Men: The Last Stand|X-Men 3: The Last Stand]] * [[X-Men Origins: Wolverine]] * [[X-Men: First Class]] * [[The Wolverine|Wolverine]] * [[X-Men: Apocalypse]] * [[Logan (film)|Logan]] * [[Dark Phoenix (film)|X-Men: Dark Phoenix]] * [[The New Mutants]] * [[Deadpool & Wolverine]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=1877832|title=X-Men: Days of Future Past}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=x-men-days-of-future-past|title=X-Men: Days of Future Past}} * [http://www.x-menmovies.com/ ''X-Men: Days of Future Past''] (official site) [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Time travel films]] [[Category:Political drama films]] [[Category:Political thriller films]] [[Category:Period films]] [[Category:X-Men films]] [[Category:Films directed by Bryan Singer]] [[Category:Screenplays by Simon Kinberg]] [[Category:Alternate timeline films]] [[Category:Films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Films based on works by Chris Claremont]] [[Category:Nonlinear narrative films]] kg4nxeigplgh1s28saxevkkz7pqat49 0 166147 3955136 3791990 2026-06-21T19:37:08Z ~2026-35971-21 3344345 3955136 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Quantity|Quantity]]''' is a property that can exist as a [[w:Magnitude (mathematics)|magnitude]] or [[w:Counting|multitude]]. Quantities can be compared in terms of "more," "less," or "equal," or by assigning a numerical value in terms of a unit of measurement. == Quotes == === A-L === * The mass is a matrix from which all traditional behavior toward works of art issues today in a new form. Quantity has been transmuted into quality. The greatly increased mass of participants has produced a change in the mode of participation. ** [[Walter Benjamin]], “The work of art in the age of mechanical reproduction” (1935), ''Illuminations'' (1968), p. 239 * Quantity has a quality all its own. ** Cited in 1978 by Ruth M. Davis, U.S. Deputy Under Secretary of Defense for Research and Advanced Technology, attributed to Vladimir Lenin: ** American Association for the Advancement of Science. (1978). Quantity a Key to Military Strength. Science, 200(4346), 1134-1134. Available online at [https://science.sciencemag.org/content/200/4346/1134]. ** Previously presumed to be coined by Thomas A. Callaghan Jr., defense consultant and director of Allied Interdependence program in a 1979 article: “Quantity has a Quality All Its Own,” ''Allied Interdependence Newsletter'' No. 13, {{w|Center for Strategic and International Studies}}, 21 June 1979, cited in ''[https://www.usnwc.edu/Publications/Naval-War-College-Review.aspx Naval War College Review]'', “How much is not enough? The non-nuclear air battle in NATO's central region”, Volume 33, [https://www.usnwc.edu/Publications/Naval-War-College-Review/ArchivedIssues/1980s/1980-March-April.aspx March-April] (1980), footnote on [https://books.google.com/books?id=SjmRLUrKdqsC&dq=quantity+has+a+quality+all+its+own+naval+review&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=%22quantity+has+a+quality+all+its+own%22 p. 77], quotation on p. 68, echoing similar sentiments by [[Sam Nunn]] ("at some point numbers do count."). ** Widely misattributed to [[Carl von Clausewitz]], [[Vladimir Lenin]], [[Joseph Stalin]], and [[Leonid Brezhnev]], especially to Stalin. * The demon of quantity, who will soon rule the world, is pressing home his attack and fortifying his positions in literary circles as everywhere else. ** [[Georges Duhamel]], ''In Defense of Letters'' (1937), E. Bozman, trans. (1939), p. 109 * “Aristocracy,” … taken in its etymological sense, means precisely the power of the elect. The elect, by the very definition of the word, can only be the few, and their power, or rather their authority, being due to their intellectual superiority, has nothing in common with the numerical strength on which democracy is based, a strength whose inherent tendency is to sacrifice the minority to the majority, and therefore quality to quantity and the elect to the masses. ** [[René Guénon]], ''The Crisis of the Modern World'' (1927), pp. 97-98 * It is the same case with all those pretended syllogistical reasonings, which may be found in every other branch of learning, except the sciences of quantity and number; and these may safely, I think, be pronounced the only proper objects of knowledge and demonstration. ** [[David Hume]], ''An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding'', Section 12, Part 3 * Does it contain any abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number? No. Does it contain any experimental reasoning concerning matter of fact and existence? No. Commit it then to the flames: for it can contain nothing but sophistry and illusion. ** [[David Hume]], ''An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding'', Section 12, Part 3 === M-Z === * '''Our culture, obsessed with numbers, has given us the idea that what we can measure is more important than what we can't measure.''' Think about that for a minute. It means that we make quantity more important than quality. ** [[Donella Meadows]], ''[[Donella Meadows#Thinking in Systems: A Primer (2008)|Thinking in Systems: A Primer]]'', Chelsea Green Publishing, 2008, pages 175-176 (ISBN 9781603580557). * We cannot deny the indictment that we seek solution for practically every problem of life in quantitative terms, and are not fully aware of the limits of this approach. ** [[Reinhold Niebuhr]], ''The Irony of American History'' (1952), p. [https://books.google.com/books?id=SAQ5GfzZPswC&pg=PA60 60] * The United States and the post-Stalinist Soviet Union … share the same cultural aims. Both issue from the assumption that wealth is a superior and adequate substitute for symbolic impoverishment. Both American and Soviet cultures are essentially variants of the same belief in wealth as the functional equivalent of a high civilization. In both cultures, the controlling symbolism has been stripped down to belief in the efficacy of wealth. Quantity has become quality. The answer to all questions of “what for?” is “more.” ** [[Philip Rieff]], ''The Triumph of the Therapeutic'' (1966) * If the quality of society could be replaced by quantity, it would be worth while to live in the world at large; but unfortunately a hundred fools in a crowd still do not produce one intelligent man. ** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], “Aphorisms on the Wisdom of Life,” ''Parerga und Paralipomena'' (1851), E. Payne, trans. (1974) Vol. 1, p. 330 * That curious modern [[wikt:hypostatization|hypostatization]] “service” is often called in to substitute for the now incomprehensible doctrine of vocation. It tries to secure subordination by hypothesizing something larger than the self, which turns out, however, to be only a multitude of selfish selves. The familiar change from quality to quantity may again be noted; one serves not the higher part of the self (this entails hierarchy) … but merely consumer demand. And who admires those at the top of a hierarchy of consumption? Man as a consuming animal is thus seen to be not enough. ** [[Richard Weaver]], ''Ideas Have Consequences'' (Chicago: 1948), p. 77 * Monotony of evil: never anything new, everything about it is equivalent. ... It is because of this monotony that quantity plays so great a part. A host of women ([[w:Don Juan|Don Juan]]) or of men ([[w:The Misanthrope|Célimène]]), etc. ** [[Simone Weil]], ''Gravity and Grace'' (1972), p. 62 * The spirit, overcome by the weight of quantity, has no longer any other criterion than efficiency. ** [[Simone Weil]], ''Gravity and Grace'' (1972), p. 140 == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Mathematics]] evqteob0fcgmwet3m2ow9wb9y73rsmp 0 174535 3955065 3954992 2026-06-21T13:59:19Z Hswjjs 3344245 3955065 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''''' Season 4 (2004-2005). ==Episodes 40-52== ===''The Quest'' [4.02]=== :'''Starfire''': Robin, calling Robin. :'''Beast Boy''': Robin here! Over. :'''Starfire''': No, not you, Robin, the other Robin. ''[points at Cyborg]'' :'''Cyborg''': ''[Shoves Beast Boy and takes his communicator]'' What's up Robin? :'''Raven''': Well, this is just disturbing. :'''Starfire''': ''[swoops in by Raven]'' Disturbing yet magnificent! Join us; I never knew wearing a cape was so much fun! It is '''wonderful''' to be Robin! :'''Cyborg''': ''[walks in while on R-cycle]'' Yeah, he has all the best stuff! :'''Raven''': Uh... right. :'''Beast Boy''': ''[pops into view]'' C'mon! Haven't you ever wondered what it's like to be Robin? ''[luring]'' You ''know'' you wanna try it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Starfire''': ''[To Beast Boy who is dressed as Robin]'' Do you desire another slice of the cheese, Robin? :'''Beast Boy''': Thanks Robin ''[To Cyborg]'' Got room for another one, Robin? :'''Cyborg''': Don't mind if I do, Robin. ''[eats the whole pizza pie]'' :'''Raven''': You know Robins, I have to admit, the mask makes me feel... cool. :'''Robin''': Huh pizza, Sweet. ''[takes a bite of a pizza]'' You know, Robins, the mask makes me feel cool, too. ===''Birthmark'' [4.03]=== :'''Slade''': The day has begun. <hr width50%> :'''Cyborg''': So who's the bad guy dejour? Gizmo, Mad Mod, Killer Moth? :'''Starfire''': The reports say there's an intruder. :'''Beast Boy''': Well, whoever it is, we're gonna totally kick their- ''[Beast Boy bumps into Robin]'' :'''Robin''': ''[sees Slade. Beast Boy gasps]'' No! :'''Slade''': It's been a long time, hasn't it, Titans? A month? A year? A millennium? Far too long for my tastes anyway. I was beginning to think I'd never see your smiling faces again. :'''Cyborg''': You! How did you survive? :'''Beast Boy''': Terra took you down! Way down! :'''Robin''': Slade! I don't know where you've been but you shouldn't have come back! I'm still ready. :'''Slade''': ''[chuckles]'' That's precious, Robin. But I didn't come back for ''you''. <hr width50%> :'''Slade''': You might be able to stop time, birthday girl, but you can't stop me. You can't stop any of it, really. I have to say, Raven, when I found out the truth, I was very impressed. All this time, I had no idea. The power lurking inside you. The glorious destiny that awaits. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it? :''[Raven groans]'' :'''Slade''': But honestly, did you think you could just blow out the candles and wish it all away? Today is the day it begins. You've known this all your life. It is going to happen. And no matter what you wish, no matter where you go, no matter how you squirm, there is nothing you can do to stop it. <hr width50%> :'''Slade''': What you have concealed, you shall become! You have no other choice. :'''Raven''': No! :'''Slade''': The message will be delivered. Your destiny shall be fulfilled. :''[Slience while gazing at the future]'' :'''Raven''': No! :'''Slade''': Yes. Look at it. Drink it in. Behold, the world you are destined to create. :'''Raven''': No! I won't do it! This is just a vision. This can't be real! :'''Slade''': This is the future. Your future. It began the day you were born, and nothing can stop it. This will come to pass. I will make sure of it. You're going to destroy the world, Raven. It's written all over your face. :'''Raven''': NOOOOOOOOOO! <hr width50%> :'''Slade''': We'll be in touch. Oh...and happy birthday. <hr width50%> :''[The Titans are re-holding the surprise party]'' :'''Beast Boy''': ''[quietly]'' Um... surprise? :'''Cyborg''': Look... we know you didn't want a party, but after... today... :'''Starfire''': We hoped that you might reconsider. :'''Beast Boy''': You may not like your birthday, but we're all glad you were born! :''[Silence]'' :'''Raven''': We're going to need ice cream. :'''Beast Boy''': Coming right up! :'''Cyborg''': I'll cut the cake! :'''Starfire''': And I shall fetch the Throknarr! :'''Robin''': You're sure you're okay? :'''Raven''': I will be. :'''Robin''': What you told me about your destiny; that something bad was supposed to happen, I guess I did. I'm sorry I couldn't stop it. :'''Raven''': No one could. :'''Robin''': We will find Slade. We'll figure out how he did what he did, and why he was after you. But right now, you're safe. You're here with friends. It's over. :''[He joins them while Raven's hands begins to glow]'' :'''Raven''': No. This was just the beginning. ===''Cyborg the Barbarian'' [4.04]=== :'''Robin''': I'm glad you're upgrading Ops, Cyborg, but is any of this actually going to help us fight crime? :'''Cyborg''': Er... sure? :'''Starfire''': And for what purpose is this crime-fighting device? :'''Raven''': Evil, beware. We have waffles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sarasim''': A true warrior does not need armor. ===''Employee of the Month'' [4.05]=== :'''Researcher''': You will be testing our new GameStation Turbo Extreme. :'''Beast Boy''': Ooh... it's so shiny. :'''Researcher''': Yes, it is rather shiny. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cyborg''': Let's see... ''[Very fast]'' Eight number 3's, five number 2's, two number 1's, and a diet soda. :'''Beast Boy''': Actually, we don't have soda here - only meat. :'''Cyborg''': Okay, make it a cup of meat juice. :'''Starfire''': Tell me, Beast Boy, particularly what variety of meat do you serve? :'''Beast Boy''': Bob says that's a trade secret. :'''Raven''': And why are you the only one working here? :'''Beast Boy''': Bob says that's a trade secret, too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Beast Boy''': Okay, that's three Number Ones and a Number Two. No, you said you wanted a Number Three. :'''Skinny Customer''': Could I please have some nuggets? :'''Beast Boy''': ''[angry, the register cracks in his grip]'' For the last time, we don't have nuggets! Uh, Bob, any chance you want to help me out here? :'''Bob''': That's great, Billy. I'll be in the back. :'''Beast Boy''': But, no! ===''Troq'' [4.06]=== :''[After Starfire successfully broke apart the minefield]'' :'''Cyborg''': Way to go, Troqie! :'''Starfire''': ''[gasps]'' You do ''not'' ever call me that! :'''Cyborg''': But Val-Yor calls you "Troq" all the time. :'''Starfire''': That does not make it right. :'''Cyborg''': What's up? I thought you said it didn't mean anything. :'''Starfire''': No. I said it means "nothing". When Val-Yor calls me "Troq", he is saying that I am worthless. A nothing. :'''Cyborg''': Star. :'''Starfire''': There are those on other planets who feel Tamaraneans are inferior. "Troq" is what they call us. :'''Cyborg ''': So he's calling you a terrible name. And you know that if you punched him out, it'll just confirm all the bad stuff he thinks about you. :'''Starfire''': Yes. Do you know what it feels like to be judged simply by how you look? :'''Cyborg''': Of course I do; I'm part robot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin''': ...And that's how we defeated Control Freak! :'''Val-Yor''': Sounds like you handled your team well, you're a true leader. You remind me of myself when I was your age, Spike. :'''Cyborg''': Robin, can I get a word? :'''Beast Boy''': [To Val-Yor] So you think I could fly this baby sometime? :''[Meanwhile, Cyborg is telling Robin what "Troq" really means]'' :'''Robin''': What? :'''Cyborg''': And that's what he's been calling her this whole time. :'''Robin''': Starfire, Why didn't you say something? He ''will'' apologize, I'm going to make him. :'''Starfire''' No, Robin. Our mission is more important than my feelings. <hr width=50%/> :'''Val-Yor''': Thank you for all your help. :'''Robin''': Don't thank us; thank Starfire. :'''Beast Boy''': Yeah, she's the one that saved your sorry butt. :'''Val-Yor''': Thank you, Starfire. I have to admit, you're not bad for a Tr... Tamaranean. You must be one of the good ones. :'''Starfire''': No. The fact that I rescued you does not make me better than other Tamaraneans. :'''Val-Yor''': Look, I'm trying to pay you a compliment. :'''Raven''': Then why does it still sound like an insult? :'''Val-Yor''': ''[to Robin]'' Spike, you understand. I didn't mean anything by it, it's just- :'''Robin''': Val-Yor. I think it's time for you to go. :'''Val-Yor''': I thought you Earthlings were alright. I guess I was wrong - you're just like the Troqs. :''[He flies up into his spaceship and leaves]'' :'''Robin''': I'm sorry Val-Yor treated you like that. If I'd know, I never would've let it happen. :'''Cyborg''': None of us would. :'''Starfire''': There is nothing you could have done. There will always be people who say mean words because you are different. And sometimes, their minds cannot be changed. But there are many more people who do not judge others based on how they look or where they are from. Those are the people who's words ''truly'' matter. ===''The Prophecy'' [4.07]=== :'''Skeleton Spirits:''' :''[[w:Raven (DC comics)|The gem]] was born of evil's fire'' :''The gem shall be [[w:Trigon (comics) |his]] portal'' :''He comes to claim'' :''He comes to sire'' :''The end of all things mortal'' <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': [[w:Trigon (DC comics)|You]] might be able to stop me from meditating. But you can't stop me from leaving. <hr width80%> :'''Starfire''': It appears to be some kind of...prophecy. :'''Cyborg''': Whatever it is, it doesn't sound good. :'''Beast Boy''': This is some serious evil, even for Slade. :'''Robin''': Not Slade, whoever he's working for. :'''Starfire''': Scath. :'''Robin''': "The gem shall be his portal". Scath is coming and this gem is how he gets here. If we're going to stop him, we need to find it and destroy it. :'''Starfire''': Robin. Where is Raven? :'''Robin''': She's not coming. <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': [[w:Azarath|Azarath]]. My last hope. <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': [[w:Arella|Arella]]. No, wait! I've come back. Mother, please help me. :'''Arella''': You always had a home here, my child. But help we could not give. :'''Raven''': The prophecy, it's happening. You have to tell me how to stop it. :'''Arella''': Nothing could be done. The promise of your birth was absolute. :'''Raven''': I don't believe you! There has to be a way! I don't want to be this. I don't want to help him. Mother, I'm...afraid. :'''Arella''': You forever had the love of your people, Raven, even knowing what you would become. And what that would bring. It was too late for Earth, just as it was too late for [[w:Azarath|Azarath]]. <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': Well, what are you waiting for? Aren't you going to attack, reduce me to ashes or did your master forbid you from hurting me? Did he order you to keep his gem safe? :'''Cyborg''': So, Raven has the gem? :'''Robin''': No. Raven ''is'' the gem. :''[Slade powers down the fireballs and transports down through the ground]'' :'''Slade''': I'll be sure to give him your regards. :'''Raven''': I'm not finished yet! This time, I have message for you. You tell him that he'll have to destroy me before I help him! :'''Slade''': You can tell him yourself. The hour is near. :''[Raven crushes him with a pillar of rock. She then flings him around the room and as he is in mid air, she pushes all the rocks onto him. She then summons a black energy raven, which attacks Slade and causes an explosion]'' :'''Raven''': I'm not afraid of you anymore! :'''Slade''': You might not fear me, but look who's afraid of ''you''. :'''Beast Boy''': Raven? <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': The ancient Order used the name "Scath" to protect the true identity of their master. We know him as Trigon. :'''Cyborg''': Are you serious?! That's who we're up against? Oh, man. :'''Starfire''': His cruelty is legendary, even on [[w:Tamaran|my world]]. :'''Beast Boy''': So, what makes you go all glow-y in the dark? :'''Raven''': It's a warning. It means Trigon is coming. And the way he gets here is through me. I'm not just a person...I'm a portal. :'''Robin''': But why ''you''? :'''Raven''': Because Trigon...is my father. Bad things are gonna happen soon. ''Really'' bad things. And it's gonna be my fault. I thought I could handle this on my own. I tried, but... I was wrong. :''[Starfire puts her hand on shoulder]'' :'''Starfire''': For confiding in us, we are most humbled. :'''Cyborg''': I only have one question: how do we stop him? :'''Raven''': We don't. :'''Beast Boy''': That doesn't mean we still can't try. :''[The Titans watch the sun rise; Beast Boy has his arm around Raven's shoulder]'' <hr width80%> :'''Slade''': The Prophecy has been revealed. The portal has accepted her fate. :'''Trigon''': You severe me well, Slade. Continue to please me and I shall honor our deal. I shall return what you have lost. :'''Slade''': I am depending on it. ===''Stranded'' [4.08]=== :''[After the gang supposedly defeats a Shrieker]'' :'''Robin''': Great work, Starfire. :'''Starfire''': I could not have done it without your assistance. :'''Robin''': Uh... nice arm. :'''Starfire''': I too admire ''your'' abundant limb strength. :'''Cyborg''': Let's go, unless you wanna stay here goofing around with your girlfriend. :'''Robin''': SHE'S ''NOT'' MY GIRLFRIEND! :'''Starfire''': I am not your friend? :'''Robin''': Uh... :''[A loud boom. Robin looks over the rail to see the Shrieker climbing back up]'' :'''Starfire''': I am not a girl? <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin''': You're still thinking about that? Starfire, we're stranded on a hostile alien planet. :'''Starfire''': I know. Did you hope the perilous space station explosion followed by our clamorous crash then combat with the horrible slug creature would make me forget? :'''Robin''': Uh, yes? :''[Starfire huffs]'' ===''Overdrive'' [4.09]=== :'''Cyborg''': ''[From the TV wearing a chef's hat]'' Remember: if you're not grilling with Cy-B-Q Sauce...you just ain't cooking. :'''Announcer''': Cy-B-Q Brand. Official marinade of the Teen Titans. :'''Starfire''': I thought our official marinade was Zorbrian spider juice. :'''Cyborg''': Yeah, but that's because you slopfar ug mopzorn! :'''Starfire''': ''[laugh]'' Mopzorn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Beast Boy''': You know, Cyborg's always had chips for brains, but he's turning into the one thing I never thought he could be. :'''Raven''': And what's that? :'''Beast Boy''': A robot. ===''Mother Mae-Eye'' [4.10]=== :''[The episode opens with the Titans waking up in the Tower]'' :'''Robin''': Uh... How did I- Hey! I'm hungry! :'''Raven''': Me too! :'''Beast Boy''': Me three! :'''Cyborg''': MAKE İT FOUR! :'''Starfire''': But... who is going to feed us?! :'''Mother Mae-Eye''': Hello, sweeties! Now that we've all had a nice nappy-wappy, what would my hungry little ones like to eat? :'''Robin''': Pie! :'''Beast Boy''': Pie! :'''Starfire''': Pie! :'''Cyborg''': '''PIE'''! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Starfire freed the Titans from the oven and fought through Mother Mae-Eye's cookies]'' :'''Robin''': ''[gasps]'' You broke Mother's cookies. :'''Raven and Cyborg''': Oooooh... :'''Starfire''': Please, friends, you must believe me! A bump on the cranium has allowed me to see Mother for what she really- :'''Robin, Beast Boy, Cyborg and Raven''': ''[sing-song]'' You're gonna get in trouble, you're gonna get in trouble. :'''Starfire''': ''[Holds up a rolling pin]'' Forgive me. :''[She whacks them all in the head]'' :'''Robin''': Why'd you do that - ummm ... why am I in a giant pie? :'''Beast Boy''': Why am I in a bunny suit? :'''Raven''': Why am I in a dress? :'''Cyborg''': Who's been re-decorating my tower? ===''The End''=== ====''Part I'' [4.11]==== :'''Trigon''': The time has come. The prophecy shall be fulfilled. Tonight at dusk, when the planets align, the portal will be opened. Finally, I shall be free from this fiery prison and the Earth will be mine. :'''Slade''': I will make sure that Raven realizes her destiny. And for bringing you your precious Gem, I except you to keep your part of the bargain and return what is precious to me. :'''Trigon''': You bring me the Gem, and you shall get what you deserve. :'''Slade''': Deal. It's a beautiful day for the end of the world. <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': Okay, everyone. Just as we planned. :'''Raven''': Where are you taking me? :'''Robin''': You said there was nothing we could do. We didn't agree, so we've been preparing for this day. :''[He walks up to the door and places his hand on a hand-print reader. The door opens into a safety room]'' :'''Raven''': You did all this for me? :'''Robin''': ''[nods]'' We're ready to take on Trigon. :'''Raven''': No. You can't be. Just go. Save yourselves. :'''Robin''': We're not giving up. Neither are ''you''. Our plan is simple. Raven, ''you'' are the portal. Trigon needs you to take over the Earth. :'''Cyborg''': But if Trigon can't get to the portal, then he can't take over. :'''Starfire''': So all we must do is keep the Trigon from getting to Raven. :'''Raven''': You can't. :'''Robin''': We ''will''. :''[The Titans walk into the room. Cyborg, who was carrying Raven, places her on the ground]'' :'''Cyborg''': You'll be safe in here. Everything's ready. I've installed all the latest state of the art technology. Nothing alive is getting in here. :'''Starfire''': ''[about the symbols on the wall]'' And these symbols should keep out everything else. ''[She produces one of books]'' We took them out of your books. :''[Some pages of the book fall out]'' :'''Beast Boy''': Just in case you need some extra mojo. :'''Raven''': This is all great, but it's not gonna make a difference. Today the prophecy will be fulfilled. Trigon ''is'' coming. There's no stopping him. :'''Robin''': There's never been a villain we couldn't stop before. :'''Raven''': Trigon isn't a villain. He is the incarnation of evil, the source of all darkness. The- :'''Beast Boy''': Okay, bad dude, we get it. :'''Raven''': ''No''. You ''don't''. You don't ''know'' Trigon. :'''Robin''': And Trigon doesn't know the Titans. Stay in here. We'll be watching from up there ''[he gestures to a viewing area]'' if you need us. :''[The Titans leave but Beast Boy stops in the doorway, looks at Raven and runs back to her]'' :'''Beast Boy''': ''[gives Raven the cent he found]'' For luck. :''[He runs back out]'' :'''Raven''': All the luck in the world won't help us now. <hr width80%> :'''Cyborg''': So far, everything seems pretty much normal. :'''Beast Boy''': Yep. Just your normal last day on Earth. :'''Robin''': It's no one's last day. :'''Starfire''': Everything is going to be okay, yes? :'''Robin''': I hope so. <hr width80%> :'''Slade''': Do you really want to spend your last day on Earth fighting? :'''Robin''': ''[struggling in the grip of the fire creature]'' This is ''not'' my last day! :''[Slade summons a fireball]'' :'''Raven''': ''STOP''! :''[Slade powers down his fireball. The fire creatures let the Titans go. The Titans turn their gaze to the tower - fire creatures part to reveal standing there]'' :'''Cyborg''': Raven? :''[She flies over to Slade]'' :'''Raven''': I will go with you. :''[Robin runs over to and with arms stretched, bars her from Slade]'' :'''Robin''': We won't let them take you! :'''Starfire''': You must get back to the safety room. ''Please''. :'''Raven''': I can't hide from my destiny any longer. :'''Beast Boy''': ''No''. :''[Raven subdues the Titans, rendering them unconscious]'' :'''Raven''': ''[whispering]'' Goodbye. Be safe. <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': Raven! :''[Raven clears the room out, with just them inside]'' :'''Raven''': It has already begun. And there's no stopping what is meant to be. :'''Robin''': You're willing to give up on everything, all because of some prophecy you heard as a child? What if it's wrong? :'''Raven''': Robin, I know what I know. :'''Robin''': I don't accept that. You can take control. You can make it not happen. :'''Raven''': I've known my whole life that this day was going to come. I tried to control the dark side of me. I tried to do good things, to fight evil, and hoped that would somehow make up for the horrible thing I'm destined to do. :'''Robin''': But no one knows their destiny. There are things you can't possibly know. :'''Raven''': There are some things I didn't know: Like how I would make such wonderful friends. All I wanted was to make your last day perfect. Instead, you spent it worrying about me. :''[Robin walks forward and holds her hand]'' :'''Robin''': That's what friends do. :'''Raven''': And as my friends, you have to let me go. <hr width80%> :'''Raven''' ''[recites the Prophecy]''''':''' :''The gem was born of evil's fire'' :''The gem shall be his portal'' :''He comes to claim'' :''He comes to sire'' :''The end of all things mortal.'' :'''Robin''': ''NO!'' :'''Starfire''': ''Raven''! :''[She sobs into Robin's arms]'' <hr width80%> ====''Part II'' [4.12]==== :'''Raven''' ''[reciting the Prophecy]''''':''' :''The gem was born of evil's fire'' :''The gem shall be his portal'' :''He comes to claim'' :''He comes to sire'' :''The end of all things mortal''. <hr width80%> :''[Robin walks down the street and sees all the civilians have turned to stone]'' :'''Robin''': I could have done something. I should have found a way. These are innocent people. <hr width80%> :'''Starfire''': Robin! You are unharmed! :''[She runs up to him and hugs him]'' :'''Robin''': I saw something out there. In the city. It led me here. :'''Beast Boy''': It lead all of us here. Almost all of us. :''[Pause]'' :'''Cyborg''': We're the only ones left. :'''Starfire''': But how is this possible? How have we survived? :'''Beast Boy''': It was Raven. She saved us. I don't know how but she did. :'''Robin''': Back at the Tower. When Raven knocked us out. The last thing I heard was her voice. It said "Be safe". She did something. Something that protected us from Trigon. :'''Cyborg''': Like it matters. Look around. There's nothing left. What's the point? :'''Robin''': Hope. That's the point. As long as we're here, we still have a chance! And that's why we're going to keep fighting. ''[He puts his hand out]'' For Raven. :'''Starfire''': ''[adding her hand]'' For Raven. :'''Cyborg''': ''[adding his]'' For Raven. :'''Beast Boy''': ''[adding his]'' For Raven. :''[Balls of energy emerges from their hands and pushes them back]'' :'''Cyborg''': Okay, that felt weird. :'''Robin''': Raven may not have been able to stop Trigon from coming but she left us a way to fight him. She gave us some of her power. :'''Starfire''': And it grows stronger when we stand as one. <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': Trigon! Stand up and fight! :''[Pauses]'' :'''Trigon''': Insignificant insects. :'''Robin''': I think it's time to hit him hard. :'''Beast Boy''': You're positive we're not going to accidentally microwave our brains? :'''Starfire''': I have used Raven's powers once before. They are controlled by emotions. The more we feel, the more energy is released. :'''Cyborg''': In other words - get ''angry''! :''[The Titans fill themselves up with Raven's dark magic]'' :'''Titans''': ''AZARATH, METRION, '''ZINTHOS!''''' :''[They hit him with a blast, subduing him very briefly, before he quickly recovers]'' :'''[[w:Trigon (DC comics)|Trigon]]''': You may think it wise to attack me while I gather my strength. But as you can see, not even a farewell blessing from my daughter can help you. Be gone. :''[Trigon sends the Titans flying away, and they land in the old library, the place where they last saw Raven]'' :'''Cyborg''': Guess that wasn't angry enough. :'''Beast Boy''': Of all the places to crash and burn, why'd it have to be here? :'''Starfire''': Please, I wish to leave. :'''Cyborg''': And go ''where''? The whole world is toast! And the only person who'd know what to do is... We could really use her help right now. :''[Robin walking up the flight of stairs]'' :'''Robin''': I know what we saw. But I just can't believe it. It just doesn't feel like Raven's really gone. :'''Slade''': That's because she isn't. :''[He steps out of the shadows]'' :'''Robin''': ''Slade''. <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': What's the matter, Slade? Giving up already? :'''Slade''': Sorry to disappoint you, Robin, but I'm not here to fight, I'm here to help. :'''Beast Boy''': We don't ''need'' your help! :'''Slade''': Yes. You seem to have everything under control. Raven can still be saved. :''[Starfire grabs Slade and pins him into the wall, as she holds him and gets ready to fire a starbolt at him]'' :'''Starfire''': You will ''not'' dishonour our friend with your trickery! :'''Cyborg''': Whatever you're selling, we're ''not'' buying! :'''Slade''': Think of me what you will. But what Trigon did, even ''I'' wouldn't wish on this world. :'''Cyborg''': It's a little late for "I'm sorry"! :'''Slade''': You mistake my generosity for regret, Cyborg. I only offer my assistance because it suits me. :''[Starfire lets Slade go]'' :'''Starfire''': But we saw Raven become the portal. She was destroyed! :'''Slade''': Raven has fulfilled the prophecy of her birth. That part of her existence is complete. But another part still remains, for the moment. :'''Robin''': Why are you doing this? What's in it for you? :'''Slade''': My reasons are my own. Do you want your friend back or not? :'''Cyborg''': Just tell us where she is, and we'll take it from there. :'''Slade''': There will be no "we". This is a journey only one of you may take. :'''Beast Boy''': No deal! She's our friend. All of us are going! :'''Slade''': Then your friend is doomed to oblivion. You fail to realize, Trigon is all-seeing. His mind can be at any place, at any time. For us to succeed, Trigon's attention must be occupied. :'''Cyborg''': And how do you expect us to do that?! We already tried fighting him; look where it got us! :'''Slade''': It's the end of the world. Did you think it would be easy? I don't expect you to win. I don't even expect you to live - only endure. :'''Robin''': I'll go with you. :'''Starfire''': Robin, no! :'''Robin''': If there's even the slightest chance to save Raven, what choice do we have? :'''Slade''': The journey to this world has taken much of Trigon's power. ''[holds out a ring]'' With this, you might be able to survive. It's a Ring of Azar; forged by the same order that imprisoned Trigon. I know from experience that it works. :''[Slade gives the ring to Robin, who, in turn, gives it to Starfire]'' :'''Robin''': I know you can do it. :''[Robin and Starfire hug]'' :'''Cyborg''': It may get ugly, but don't worry. We'll keep him busy. :'''Beast Boy''': Yeah. Just wait 'til Trigon gets slapped with my patented Wet Willie Maneuver! :'''Robin''': He won't know what hit him. :'''Slade''': Your goodbyes are really quite touching, but we have work to do, Robin. :'''Robin''': I'll bring her back. I promise. <hr width80%> :'''Slade''': Before we continue, a warning. If we succeed, I can't guarantee you'll like what you find. :'''Robin''': I'll take my chances. <hr width80%> :''[After Trigon manifested dark versions of Beast Boy, Cyborg and Starfire]'' :'''Beast Boy''': I always figured I was taller. :'''Trigon''': I may be the source of all darkness, but you are your own worst enemies. :'''Dark Cyborg''': Raven wasn't the only one with a bad side. <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': So why did you do it? For money? Status? Those dark powers? :'''Slade''': Not everything is so cut and dry, Robin. :'''Robin''': Selling out our world for your own personal gain seems pretty cut and dry to me. :'''Slade''': With or without me, there was no stopping this. :'''Robin''': But you played a part. And just like everything else you've ever done, it's made people suffer. :'''Slade''': It's what I do best. <hr width80%> :''[As the fire demons surrounds them, Robin and Slade prepare to fight]'' :'''Slade''': Only a minor setback. Nothing two old friends can't handle. :'''Robin''': I'm ''not'' your friend. <hr width80%> :''[As Slade and Robin have the upper hand, one fire demon comes up to Robin, which he quickly fends off]'' :'''Robin''': I thought we had a deal. :'''Slade''': Old habits die hard. <hr width80%> :''[It's revealed to Robin that under Slade's mask, is a skull]'' :'''Slade''': ''[after putting his mask back on]'' I'd rather you hadn't seen that. It's really only a temporary condition. :'''Robin''': What ''are'' you? :'''Slade''': Let's just say I'm currently incomplete. Time is running out. We must keep moving. :'''Robin''': I don't think so. Unless I get some answers, you're on your own. :'''Slade''': It seems my luck with apprentices is most unfortunate. :''[The flashbacks show Slade's death and Trigon's half-resurrection]'' :'''Slade''': Terra's betrayal should have been my demise. But I got lucky. Someone was looking out for me that day. :'''Trigon''': ''[in the flashback]'' ''Heed my command, and I will return what you have lost''. :'''Slade''': It was a simple arrangement, actually. Do a few chores, and I get back my flesh and blood. And I must admit, the fringe benefits were most enjoyable. ''[pause]'' A pity things didn't work out as planned. :''[Flashbacks ends]'' :'''Slade''': The moral of this story? Never make a deal with an inter-dimensional demon without a little protection. :'''Robin''': You didn't bring me down here just to save Raven. I'm also here to help save ''you''. :'''Slade''': A deal's a deal. <hr width80%> :'''Starfire''': You remind of [[w:Blackfire (DC Comics)|our sister]]. :'''Dark Starfire''': I will take that as a compliment. Realize, with you gone, Robin will be all mine. :'''Starfire''': HE WILL ''NOT''! <hr width80%> :'''Dark Beast Boy''': What's the matter? Had enough? No wonder [[w:Terra (comics)|Terra]] dumped you. <hr width80%> :'''Slade''': You must be overjoyed to see me like this, Robin. Desperate, weak, vulnerable. :'''Robin''': I'm here to save Raven, not pity you. Which way? :'''Slade''': I'm afraid this where we part company. You'll find your friend along that path. :'''Robin''': What about you? :'''Slade''': What I seek is in a somewhat... hotter place. :'''Robin''': That's it? No double-cross? No cryptic threat? :'''Slade''': I kept my word. How about a little gratitude? :'''Robin''': This doesn't change anything. If I ''ever'' see you again- :'''Slade''': I wouldn't expect anything less. ====''Part III'' [4.13]==== :'''Beast Boy''': I hate to say it, but Four-Eyes has a point. My butt can't take much more kicking. :'''Starfire''': It can, and it ''will''. We must keep the Trigon occupied. :''[Cyborg walks up to them]'' :'''Cyborg''': As long as those all-seeing eyes are looking at us, he won't go looking for Robin. :'''Dark Cyborg''': Wanna bet? :'''Starfire''': No! :''[Dark Starfire zips up to Trigon's ear]'' :'''Nega Starfire''': ''[giggles and whispers]'' They are trying to distract you so Robin can- :'''Trigon''': I know. :'''Beast Boy''': He knows? :'''Cyborg''': He knows. He's just been toying with us. :'''Trigon''': I was aware of this rescue mission before your small minds have even concealed it. And I have known from the beginning that your plan presents no threat. You fail to comprehend the depth of my power, and you fail to understand the departure of your friend. Some remnant of my daughter may yet exist, but the [[w:Raven (DC comics)|Raven]] you know is lost forever. <hr width80%> :'''Young Raven''': Who...who are you? :'''Robin''': It's okay. I'm here to take you back. :''[She begins to run from him]'' :'''Robin''': Raven! :''[He starts chasing after her until he manages to catch up to her]'' :'''Robin''': Wait! I'm not going to hurt you! :''[Young Raven cuts him off a different path. She stops when she hits a dead end]'' :'''Robin''': Please, I just want- ''[Young Raven kicks him]'' Ow! :''[She takes her cloak from him and continues to run until she reaches another dead end. Robin catches up to her]'' :'''Robin''': Raven, it's me, Robin. Remember? :'''Young Raven''': I'm lost. :'''Robin''': I know. But I've found you. You don't need to be afraid anymore. I can help you. But you have to let me. <hr width80%> :'''Soul Guard''': The hollow journey of your vacant vessel ends here. What you seek cannot be reclaimed. :'''Slade''': Perhaps. But it's not like I have anything left to lose. <hr width80%> :'''Beast Boy''': Dude, I have no idea I was so tough. :'''Cyborg''': You're not. I can kick your butt any day of the... :'''Starfire''': If we cannot defeat ourselves, perhaps we can defeat each other. :''[The dark clones appear. Cyborg and Beast Boy high five each other]'' :'''Cyborg and Beast Boy''': Switch! <hr width80%> :''[Robin is walking with Young Raven]'' :'''Robin''': It's all right. :''[Young Raven climbs onto to back]'' :'''Robin''': How about a story to pass the time? :''[He begins to climb the cavern]'' :'''Robin''': This is the story of Raven. She was my very good friend. And she was very brave. Together, we fought evil. We beat monsters and villains, and we kept our city safe. But even though she was doing good, Raven was always afraid that deep down inside, she was bad. See, from the day she was born, people told her that someday, something terrible was going to- :''[The lava suddenly splits apart to reveal fire demons]'' <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': You okay? You didn't get hurt? :'''Young Raven''': Robin... why are you doing this? :'''Robin''': You ''do'' remember, don't you? :'''Young Raven''': ''[nods]'' The story you were telling. I can see it. Bits and pieces. You... ''our'' friends. My father. Like it was a dream. A nightmare. Whatever it was... it's over. :'''Robin''': Raven... there may still be a way to- :'''Young Raven''': Nobody can stop him. I remember that. You came down here for nothing. :'''Robin''': I came down here for ''you''. :'''Young Raven''': ''Why?'' I can't help. My powers came from him. And now that he's done with me, I don't have them anymore. There was... a prophecy, Robin, and it came true. It's all over now. :'''Robin''': Yeah... it's the end of the world. But so what? We're still here. Still fighting. Still friends. :'''Young Raven''': ''Look at me'', Robin! There is nothing I can do! There isn't any hope! :'''Robin''': Then I guess... I just have to have enough hope for the both of us. :''[He smiles, picks her up, giving her a piggyback, before continuing on his journey]'' <hr width80%> :'''Soul Guard''': Your days have long since ended, mortal. Time to lie down with the rest of the mortals. :'''Slade''': You first. :''[The Soul Guards seems to have defeated Slade and about is to execute him]'' :'''Soul Guard''': You cannot hope to defeat pure evil. :'''Slade''': Actually, I'm not such a nice guy myself. :''[Using his S bomb, Slade blows him up, along with the gate. This causes all the souls, including his, to be released]'' :'''Slade''': ''[as his soul has returned to him]'' Ahhh. My own flesh and blood. ''[looks at the guard]'' Don't get up. ''[picks up the guard's double-headed axe]'' I'll let myself out. <hr width80%> :''[Trigon creates a hole in the sky]'' :'''Trigon''': Go forth and conquer! One by one, worlds shall fall! ''[fire demons fly up and enter through the hole in the sky]'' Until every being in this entire dimension bows down to worship Trigon the Terrible! ''[closes the hole in the sky and thunder roars in the background]'' <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': This is your story, Raven. And I'm not sure what happens next. I know it seems hopeless, but I believe that when the time is right, you will know what to do. <hr width80%> :'''Slade''': For the record, I'm ''nobody's'' servant. <hr width80%> :''[After Trigon sent a blast that incapacitated the Titans]'' :'''Young Raven''': Get up! Robin, please! Get ''up''! :''[Trigon's approaches]'' :'''Trigon''': Farewell, dear daughter. :''[He tries to kill her, but a white energy coming from her hand shields her]'' :'''Young Raven''': How...? :'''Trigon''': You may have retained some trace of my power, but you are still no threat to me, little girl. I am your creator, your master. You exist only to serve me. You survive only because I allow it. What hope can a mere child have of defeating her all-powerful father? :'''Raven''': ''[having transformed back into a teenager]'' You may have created me. But you were ''never'' my father. :'''Trigon''': Wretched, insignificant- ''[gets hit]'' UGH! :'''Raven''': Fathers are kind. Fathers protect you. Fathers ''raise'' you. I was protected by the monks of [[w:Azarath|Azarath]]. I was raised by my friends. They are my family, ''this'' is my home, and you are ''not'' welcome here! ''AZARATH, METRION, '''ZINTHOS!''''' :''[She projects a raven of pure white mystical energy that illuminates her father and reverses the effects of what he did to Earth]'' :'''Starfire''': Raven, that was... :'''Cyborg''': Unbelievable. :'''Raven''': No, it wasn't. Somebody believed. :'''Robin''': Welcome back. :'''Beast Boy''': Okay, you're freaking me out here! The white robe and smile are weird enough but ''hugs''? Are you still...you? :'''Raven''': Blue is still my favorite colour. And don't get used to the smile, 'cause you're still not funny. :'''Beast Boy''': Huh? Raven! :'''Raven''': Quit it. <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': Slade got away? :'''Robin''': If he ever shows his face again, we'll be ready. :'''Raven''': How do you do it, Robin? :'''Robin''': Do what? :'''Raven''': Keep hoping. After everything that happened, everything I did, how did you still manage to hope it could all work out? :'''Robin''': Because of you. You don't realize it, Raven, but you're actually the most hopeful person I've ever met. From the day you were born, they said you were evil, that you were created to do unspeakable things. But you wished for more. You dared to hope that you could be a hero. :'''Raven''': I thought it was all over. And now...suddenly- :'''Robin''': -You have your whole life ahead of you. You can decide your own destiny. :'''Raven''': I guess, in the end, there really is no end; just new beginnings. ==Characters== ===Main=== * Dick Grayson/[[w:Robin (Dick Grayson)|Robin]] * Garfield Logan/[[w:Beast Boy|Beast Boy]] * Victor Stone/[[w:Cyborg (comics)|Cyborg]] * [[w:Raven (comics)|Raven]] * Princess Koriand'r/[[w:Starfire (Teen Titans)|Starfire]] ===Supporting=== * Deathstroke/Slade (5 episodes) * [[w:Trigon (comics)|Trigon]] (5 episodes) * [[w:Arella|Arella]] ("The Prophecy"; vision) * Dr. Light ("Birthmark") * Adonis ("Overdrive") * Mother May-Eye (debuts in "Mother May-Eye") ==External links== {{wikipedia|Teen Titans (season 4)}} [[Category:Teen Titans seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] jyqn54pcehh08bv9r73a9ae46vbud1x 3955073 3955065 2026-06-21T15:19:57Z Codename Noreste 3154048 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/Hswjjs|Hswjjs]] ([[User talk:Hswjjs|talk]]) to last version by Morkoz 3954992 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''''' Season 4 (2004-2005). ==Episodes 40-52== ===''Don't Touch That Dial'' [4.01]=== :'''Commercial Voice''': The makers of Azarath and Metrion are proud to introduce: Zinthos. New and improved Zinthos gives you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it. And because it's blue, Zinthos goes with everything. Zinthos isn't right for everyone and may cause bloating, cramping, hair loss, disturbing visions, fits of rage, and growth of additional eyes. Children under three should not be exposed to Zinthos. [[w:Gremlins|Do not get Zinthos wet, and never feed it after midnight.]] If you experience trouble meditating, stop saying Zinthos and consult your ancient scrolls immediately. New, Blue, Zinthos. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cyborg''': Hey, I know where we are! We're in the first episode of season four. :'''Robin''': How do you know we're going to the right way? :'''Beast Boy''': Because we just passed the engine core, which means we're right below the detention level. So all we have to do is follow the main particle flux conduit to the galactic command center. :'''Raven''': Frightening. Truly frightening. ===''The Quest'' [4.02]=== :'''Starfire''': Robin, calling Robin. :'''Beast Boy''': Robin here! Over. :'''Starfire''': No, not you, Robin, the other Robin. ''[points at Cyborg]'' :'''Cyborg''': ''[Shoves Beast Boy and takes his communicator]'' What's up Robin? :'''Raven''': Well, this is just disturbing. :'''Starfire''': ''[swoops in by Raven]'' Disturbing yet magnificent! Join us; I never knew wearing a cape was so much fun! It is '''wonderful''' to be Robin! :'''Cyborg''': ''[walks in while on R-cycle]'' Yeah, he has all the best stuff! :'''Raven''': Uh... right. :'''Beast Boy''': ''[pops into view]'' C'mon! Haven't you ever wondered what it's like to be Robin? ''[luring]'' You ''know'' you wanna try it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Starfire''': ''[To Beast Boy who is dressed as Robin]'' Do you desire another slice of the cheese, Robin? :'''Beast Boy''': Thanks Robin ''[To Cyborg]'' Got room for another one, Robin? :'''Cyborg''': Don't mind if I do, Robin. ''[eats the whole pizza pie]'' :'''Raven''': You know Robins, I have to admit, the mask makes me feel... cool. :'''Robin''': Huh pizza, Sweet. ''[takes a bite of a pizza]'' You know, Robins, the mask makes me feel cool, too. ===''Birthmark'' [4.03]=== :'''Slade''': The day has begun. <hr width50%> :'''Cyborg''': So who's the bad guy dejour? Gizmo, Mad Mod, Killer Moth? :'''Starfire''': The reports say there's an intruder. :'''Beast Boy''': Well, whoever it is, we're gonna totally kick their- ''[Beast Boy bumps into Robin]'' :'''Robin''': ''[sees Slade. Beast Boy gasps]'' No! :'''Slade''': It's been a long time, hasn't it, Titans? A month? A year? A millennium? Far too long for my tastes anyway. I was beginning to think I'd never see your smiling faces again. :'''Cyborg''': You! How did you survive? :'''Beast Boy''': Terra took you down! Way down! :'''Robin''': Slade! I don't know where you've been but you shouldn't have come back! I'm still ready. :'''Slade''': ''[chuckles]'' That's precious, Robin. But I didn't come back for ''you''. <hr width50%> :'''Slade''': You might be able to stop time, birthday girl, but you can't stop me. You can't stop any of it, really. I have to say, Raven, when I found out the truth, I was very impressed. All this time, I had no idea. The power lurking inside you. The glorious destiny that awaits. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it? :''[Raven groans]'' :'''Slade''': But honestly, did you think you could just blow out the candles and wish it all away? Today is the day it begins. You've known this all your life. It is going to happen. And no matter what you wish, no matter where you go, no matter how you squirm, there is nothing you can do to stop it. <hr width50%> :'''Slade''': What you have concealed, you shall become! You have no other choice. :'''Raven''': No! :'''Slade''': The message will be delivered. Your destiny shall be fulfilled. :''[Slience while gazing at the future]'' :'''Raven''': No! :'''Slade''': Yes. Look at it. Drink it in. Behold, the world you are destined to create. :'''Raven''': No! I won't do it! This is just a vision. This can't be real! :'''Slade''': This is the future. Your future. It began the day you were born, and nothing can stop it. This will come to pass. I will make sure of it. You're going to destroy the world, Raven. It's written all over your face. :'''Raven''': NOOOOOOOOOO! <hr width50%> :'''Slade''': We'll be in touch. Oh...and happy birthday. <hr width50%> :''[The Titans are re-holding the surprise party]'' :'''Beast Boy''': ''[quietly]'' Um... surprise? :'''Cyborg''': Look... we know you didn't want a party, but after... today... :'''Starfire''': We hoped that you might reconsider. :'''Beast Boy''': You may not like your birthday, but we're all glad you were born! :''[Silence]'' :'''Raven''': We're going to need ice cream. :'''Beast Boy''': Coming right up! :'''Cyborg''': I'll cut the cake! :'''Starfire''': And I shall fetch the Throknarr! :'''Robin''': You're sure you're okay? :'''Raven''': I will be. :'''Robin''': What you told me about your destiny; that something bad was supposed to happen, I guess I did. I'm sorry I couldn't stop it. :'''Raven''': No one could. :'''Robin''': We will find Slade. We'll figure out how he did what he did, and why he was after you. But right now, you're safe. You're here with friends. It's over. :''[He joins them while Raven's hands begins to glow]'' :'''Raven''': No. This was just the beginning. ===''Cyborg the Barbarian'' [4.04]=== :'''Robin''': I'm glad you're upgrading Ops, Cyborg, but is any of this actually going to help us fight crime? :'''Cyborg''': Er... sure? :'''Starfire''': And for what purpose is this crime-fighting device? :'''Raven''': Evil, beware. We have waffles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sarasim''': A true warrior does not need armor. ===''Employee of the Month'' [4.05]=== :'''Researcher''': You will be testing our new GameStation Turbo Extreme. :'''Beast Boy''': Ooh... it's so shiny. :'''Researcher''': Yes, it is rather shiny. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cyborg''': Let's see... ''[Very fast]'' Eight number 3's, five number 2's, two number 1's, and a diet soda. :'''Beast Boy''': Actually, we don't have soda here - only meat. :'''Cyborg''': Okay, make it a cup of meat juice. :'''Starfire''': Tell me, Beast Boy, particularly what variety of meat do you serve? :'''Beast Boy''': Bob says that's a trade secret. :'''Raven''': And why are you the only one working here? :'''Beast Boy''': Bob says that's a trade secret, too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Beast Boy''': Okay, that's three Number Ones and a Number Two. No, you said you wanted a Number Three. :'''Skinny Customer''': Could I please have some nuggets? :'''Beast Boy''': ''[angry, the register cracks in his grip]'' For the last time, we don't have nuggets! Uh, Bob, any chance you want to help me out here? :'''Bob''': That's great, Billy. I'll be in the back. :'''Beast Boy''': But, no! ===''Troq'' [4.06]=== :''[After Starfire successfully broke apart the minefield]'' :'''Cyborg''': Way to go, Troqie! :'''Starfire''': ''[gasps]'' You do ''not'' ever call me that! :'''Cyborg''': But Val-Yor calls you "Troq" all the time. :'''Starfire''': That does not make it right. :'''Cyborg''': What's up? I thought you said it didn't mean anything. :'''Starfire''': No. I said it means "nothing". When Val-Yor calls me "Troq", he is saying that I am worthless. A nothing. :'''Cyborg''': Star. :'''Starfire''': There are those on other planets who feel Tamaraneans are inferior. "Troq" is what they call us. :'''Cyborg ''': So he's calling you a terrible name. And you know that if you punched him out, it'll just confirm all the bad stuff he thinks about you. :'''Starfire''': Yes. Do you know what it feels like to be judged simply by how you look? :'''Cyborg''': Of course I do; I'm part robot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin''': ...And that's how we defeated Control Freak! :'''Val-Yor''': Sounds like you handled your team well, you're a true leader. You remind me of myself when I was your age, Spike. :'''Cyborg''': Robin, can I get a word? :'''Beast Boy''': [To Val-Yor] So you think I could fly this baby sometime? :''[Meanwhile, Cyborg is telling Robin what "Troq" really means]'' :'''Robin''': What? :'''Cyborg''': And that's what he's been calling her this whole time. :'''Robin''': Starfire, Why didn't you say something? He ''will'' apologize, I'm going to make him. :'''Starfire''' No, Robin. Our mission is more important than my feelings. <hr width=50%/> :'''Val-Yor''': Thank you for all your help. :'''Robin''': Don't thank us; thank Starfire. :'''Beast Boy''': Yeah, she's the one that saved your sorry butt. :'''Val-Yor''': Thank you, Starfire. I have to admit, you're not bad for a Tr... Tamaranean. You must be one of the good ones. :'''Starfire''': No. The fact that I rescued you does not make me better than other Tamaraneans. :'''Val-Yor''': Look, I'm trying to pay you a compliment. :'''Raven''': Then why does it still sound like an insult? :'''Val-Yor''': ''[to Robin]'' Spike, you understand. I didn't mean anything by it, it's just- :'''Robin''': Val-Yor. I think it's time for you to go. :'''Val-Yor''': I thought you Earthlings were alright. I guess I was wrong - you're just like the Troqs. :''[He flies up into his spaceship and leaves]'' :'''Robin''': I'm sorry Val-Yor treated you like that. If I'd know, I never would've let it happen. :'''Cyborg''': None of us would. :'''Starfire''': There is nothing you could have done. There will always be people who say mean words because you are different. And sometimes, their minds cannot be changed. But there are many more people who do not judge others based on how they look or where they are from. Those are the people who's words ''truly'' matter. ===''The Prophecy'' [4.07]=== :'''Skeleton Spirits:''' :''[[w:Raven (DC comics)|The gem]] was born of evil's fire'' :''The gem shall be [[w:Trigon (comics) |his]] portal'' :''He comes to claim'' :''He comes to sire'' :''The end of all things mortal'' <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': [[w:Trigon (DC comics)|You]] might be able to stop me from meditating. But you can't stop me from leaving. <hr width80%> :'''Starfire''': It appears to be some kind of...prophecy. :'''Cyborg''': Whatever it is, it doesn't sound good. :'''Beast Boy''': This is some serious evil, even for Slade. :'''Robin''': Not Slade, whoever he's working for. :'''Starfire''': Scath. :'''Robin''': "The gem shall be his portal". Scath is coming and this gem is how he gets here. If we're going to stop him, we need to find it and destroy it. :'''Starfire''': Robin. Where is Raven? :'''Robin''': She's not coming. <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': [[w:Azarath|Azarath]]. My last hope. <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': [[w:Arella|Arella]]. No, wait! I've come back. Mother, please help me. :'''Arella''': You always had a home here, my child. But help we could not give. :'''Raven''': The prophecy, it's happening. You have to tell me how to stop it. :'''Arella''': Nothing could be done. The promise of your birth was absolute. :'''Raven''': I don't believe you! There has to be a way! I don't want to be this. I don't want to help him. Mother, I'm...afraid. :'''Arella''': You forever had the love of your people, Raven, even knowing what you would become. And what that would bring. It was too late for Earth, just as it was too late for [[w:Azarath|Azarath]]. <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': Well, what are you waiting for? Aren't you going to attack, reduce me to ashes or did your master forbid you from hurting me? Did he order you to keep his gem safe? :'''Cyborg''': So, Raven has the gem? :'''Robin''': No. Raven ''is'' the gem. :''[Slade powers down the fireballs and transports down through the ground]'' :'''Slade''': I'll be sure to give him your regards. :'''Raven''': I'm not finished yet! This time, I have message for you. You tell him that he'll have to destroy me before I help him! :'''Slade''': You can tell him yourself. The hour is near. :''[Raven crushes him with a pillar of rock. She then flings him around the room and as he is in mid air, she pushes all the rocks onto him. She then summons a black energy raven, which attacks Slade and causes an explosion]'' :'''Raven''': I'm not afraid of you anymore! :'''Slade''': You might not fear me, but look who's afraid of ''you''. :'''Beast Boy''': Raven? <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': The ancient Order used the name "Scath" to protect the true identity of their master. We know him as Trigon. :'''Cyborg''': Are you serious?! That's who we're up against? Oh, man. :'''Starfire''': His cruelty is legendary, even on [[w:Tamaran|my world]]. :'''Beast Boy''': So, what makes you go all glow-y in the dark? :'''Raven''': It's a warning. It means Trigon is coming. And the way he gets here is through me. I'm not just a person...I'm a portal. :'''Robin''': But why ''you''? :'''Raven''': Because Trigon...is my father. Bad things are gonna happen soon. ''Really'' bad things. And it's gonna be my fault. I thought I could handle this on my own. I tried, but... I was wrong. :''[Starfire puts her hand on shoulder]'' :'''Starfire''': For confiding in us, we are most humbled. :'''Cyborg''': I only have one question: how do we stop him? :'''Raven''': We don't. :'''Beast Boy''': That doesn't mean we still can't try. :''[The Titans watch the sun rise; Beast Boy has his arm around Raven's shoulder]'' <hr width80%> :'''Slade''': The Prophecy has been revealed. The portal has accepted her fate. :'''Trigon''': You severe me well, Slade. Continue to please me and I shall honor our deal. I shall return what you have lost. :'''Slade''': I am depending on it. ===''Stranded'' [4.08]=== :''[After the gang supposedly defeats a Shrieker]'' :'''Robin''': Great work, Starfire. :'''Starfire''': I could not have done it without your assistance. :'''Robin''': Uh... nice arm. :'''Starfire''': I too admire ''your'' abundant limb strength. :'''Cyborg''': Let's go, unless you wanna stay here goofing around with your girlfriend. :'''Robin''': SHE'S ''NOT'' MY GIRLFRIEND! :'''Starfire''': I am not your friend? :'''Robin''': Uh... :''[A loud boom. Robin looks over the rail to see the Shrieker climbing back up]'' :'''Starfire''': I am not a girl? <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin''': You're still thinking about that? Starfire, we're stranded on a hostile alien planet. :'''Starfire''': I know. Did you hope the perilous space station explosion followed by our clamorous crash then combat with the horrible slug creature would make me forget? :'''Robin''': Uh, yes? :''[Starfire huffs]'' ===''Overdrive'' [4.09]=== :'''Cyborg''': ''[From the TV wearing a chef's hat]'' Remember: if you're not grilling with Cy-B-Q Sauce...you just ain't cooking. :'''Announcer''': Cy-B-Q Brand. Official marinade of the Teen Titans. :'''Starfire''': I thought our official marinade was Zorbrian spider juice. :'''Cyborg''': Yeah, but that's because you slopfar ug mopzorn! :'''Starfire''': ''[laugh]'' Mopzorn! <hr width=50%/> :'''Beast Boy''': You know, Cyborg's always had chips for brains, but he's turning into the one thing I never thought he could be. :'''Raven''': And what's that? :'''Beast Boy''': A robot. ===''Mother Mae-Eye'' [4.10]=== :''[The episode opens with the Titans waking up in the Tower]'' :'''Robin''': Uh... How did I- Hey! I'm hungry! :'''Raven''': Me too! :'''Beast Boy''': Me three! :'''Cyborg''': MAKE İT FOUR! :'''Starfire''': But... who is going to feed us?! :'''Mother Mae-Eye''': Hello, sweeties! Now that we've all had a nice nappy-wappy, what would my hungry little ones like to eat? :'''Robin''': Pie! :'''Beast Boy''': Pie! :'''Starfire''': Pie! :'''Cyborg''': '''PIE'''! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Starfire freed the Titans from the oven and fought through Mother Mae-Eye's cookies]'' :'''Robin''': ''[gasps]'' You broke Mother's cookies. :'''Raven and Cyborg''': Oooooh... :'''Starfire''': Please, friends, you must believe me! A bump on the cranium has allowed me to see Mother for what she really- :'''Robin, Beast Boy, Cyborg and Raven''': ''[sing-song]'' You're gonna get in trouble, you're gonna get in trouble. :'''Starfire''': ''[Holds up a rolling pin]'' Forgive me. :''[She whacks them all in the head]'' :'''Robin''': Why'd you do that - ummm ... why am I in a giant pie? :'''Beast Boy''': Why am I in a bunny suit? :'''Raven''': Why am I in a dress? :'''Cyborg''': Who's been re-decorating my tower? ===''The End''=== ====''Part I'' [4.11]==== :'''Trigon''': The time has come. The prophecy shall be fulfilled. Tonight at dusk, when the planets align, the portal will be opened. Finally, I shall be free from this fiery prison and the Earth will be mine. :'''Slade''': I will make sure that Raven realizes her destiny. And for bringing you your precious Gem, I except you to keep your part of the bargain and return what is precious to me. :'''Trigon''': You bring me the Gem, and you shall get what you deserve. :'''Slade''': Deal. It's a beautiful day for the end of the world. <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': Okay, everyone. Just as we planned. :'''Raven''': Where are you taking me? :'''Robin''': You said there was nothing we could do. We didn't agree, so we've been preparing for this day. :''[He walks up to the door and places his hand on a hand-print reader. The door opens into a safety room]'' :'''Raven''': You did all this for me? :'''Robin''': ''[nods]'' We're ready to take on Trigon. :'''Raven''': No. You can't be. Just go. Save yourselves. :'''Robin''': We're not giving up. Neither are ''you''. Our plan is simple. Raven, ''you'' are the portal. Trigon needs you to take over the Earth. :'''Cyborg''': But if Trigon can't get to the portal, then he can't take over. :'''Starfire''': So all we must do is keep the Trigon from getting to Raven. :'''Raven''': You can't. :'''Robin''': We ''will''. :''[The Titans walk into the room. Cyborg, who was carrying Raven, places her on the ground]'' :'''Cyborg''': You'll be safe in here. Everything's ready. I've installed all the latest state of the art technology. Nothing alive is getting in here. :'''Starfire''': ''[about the symbols on the wall]'' And these symbols should keep out everything else. ''[She produces one of books]'' We took them out of your books. :''[Some pages of the book fall out]'' :'''Beast Boy''': Just in case you need some extra mojo. :'''Raven''': This is all great, but it's not gonna make a difference. Today the prophecy will be fulfilled. Trigon ''is'' coming. There's no stopping him. :'''Robin''': There's never been a villain we couldn't stop before. :'''Raven''': Trigon isn't a villain. He is the incarnation of evil, the source of all darkness. The- :'''Beast Boy''': Okay, bad dude, we get it. :'''Raven''': ''No''. You ''don't''. You don't ''know'' Trigon. :'''Robin''': And Trigon doesn't know the Titans. Stay in here. We'll be watching from up there ''[he gestures to a viewing area]'' if you need us. :''[The Titans leave but Beast Boy stops in the doorway, looks at Raven and runs back to her]'' :'''Beast Boy''': ''[gives Raven the cent he found]'' For luck. :''[He runs back out]'' :'''Raven''': All the luck in the world won't help us now. <hr width80%> :'''Cyborg''': So far, everything seems pretty much normal. :'''Beast Boy''': Yep. Just your normal last day on Earth. :'''Robin''': It's no one's last day. :'''Starfire''': Everything is going to be okay, yes? :'''Robin''': I hope so. <hr width80%> :'''Slade''': Do you really want to spend your last day on Earth fighting? :'''Robin''': ''[struggling in the grip of the fire creature]'' This is ''not'' my last day! :''[Slade summons a fireball]'' :'''Raven''': ''STOP''! :''[Slade powers down his fireball. The fire creatures let the Titans go. The Titans turn their gaze to the tower - fire creatures part to reveal standing there]'' :'''Cyborg''': Raven? :''[She flies over to Slade]'' :'''Raven''': I will go with you. :''[Robin runs over to and with arms stretched, bars her from Slade]'' :'''Robin''': We won't let them take you! :'''Starfire''': You must get back to the safety room. ''Please''. :'''Raven''': I can't hide from my destiny any longer. :'''Beast Boy''': ''No''. :''[Raven subdues the Titans, rendering them unconscious]'' :'''Raven''': ''[whispering]'' Goodbye. Be safe. <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': Raven! :''[Raven clears the room out, with just them inside]'' :'''Raven''': It has already begun. And there's no stopping what is meant to be. :'''Robin''': You're willing to give up on everything, all because of some prophecy you heard as a child? What if it's wrong? :'''Raven''': Robin, I know what I know. :'''Robin''': I don't accept that. You can take control. You can make it not happen. :'''Raven''': I've known my whole life that this day was going to come. I tried to control the dark side of me. I tried to do good things, to fight evil, and hoped that would somehow make up for the horrible thing I'm destined to do. :'''Robin''': But no one knows their destiny. There are things you can't possibly know. :'''Raven''': There are some things I didn't know: Like how I would make such wonderful friends. All I wanted was to make your last day perfect. Instead, you spent it worrying about me. :''[Robin walks forward and holds her hand]'' :'''Robin''': That's what friends do. :'''Raven''': And as my friends, you have to let me go. <hr width80%> :'''Raven''' ''[recites the Prophecy]''''':''' :''The gem was born of evil's fire'' :''The gem shall be his portal'' :''He comes to claim'' :''He comes to sire'' :''The end of all things mortal.'' :'''Robin''': ''NO!'' :'''Starfire''': ''Raven''! :''[She sobs into Robin's arms]'' <hr width80%> ====''Part II'' [4.12]==== :'''Raven''' ''[reciting the Prophecy]''''':''' :''The gem was born of evil's fire'' :''The gem shall be his portal'' :''He comes to claim'' :''He comes to sire'' :''The end of all things mortal''. <hr width80%> :''[Robin walks down the street and sees all the civilians have turned to stone]'' :'''Robin''': I could have done something. I should have found a way. These are innocent people. <hr width80%> :'''Starfire''': Robin! You are unharmed! :''[She runs up to him and hugs him]'' :'''Robin''': I saw something out there. In the city. It led me here. :'''Beast Boy''': It lead all of us here. Almost all of us. :''[Pause]'' :'''Cyborg''': We're the only ones left. :'''Starfire''': But how is this possible? How have we survived? :'''Beast Boy''': It was Raven. She saved us. I don't know how but she did. :'''Robin''': Back at the Tower. When Raven knocked us out. The last thing I heard was her voice. It said "Be safe". She did something. Something that protected us from Trigon. :'''Cyborg''': Like it matters. Look around. There's nothing left. What's the point? :'''Robin''': Hope. That's the point. As long as we're here, we still have a chance! And that's why we're going to keep fighting. ''[He puts his hand out]'' For Raven. :'''Starfire''': ''[adding her hand]'' For Raven. :'''Cyborg''': ''[adding his]'' For Raven. :'''Beast Boy''': ''[adding his]'' For Raven. :''[Balls of energy emerges from their hands and pushes them back]'' :'''Cyborg''': Okay, that felt weird. :'''Robin''': Raven may not have been able to stop Trigon from coming but she left us a way to fight him. She gave us some of her power. :'''Starfire''': And it grows stronger when we stand as one. <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': Trigon! Stand up and fight! :''[Pauses]'' :'''Trigon''': Insignificant insects. :'''Robin''': I think it's time to hit him hard. :'''Beast Boy''': You're positive we're not going to accidentally microwave our brains? :'''Starfire''': I have used Raven's powers once before. They are controlled by emotions. The more we feel, the more energy is released. :'''Cyborg''': In other words - get ''angry''! :''[The Titans fill themselves up with Raven's dark magic]'' :'''Titans''': ''AZARATH, METRION, '''ZINTHOS!''''' :''[They hit him with a blast, subduing him very briefly, before he quickly recovers]'' :'''[[w:Trigon (DC comics)|Trigon]]''': You may think it wise to attack me while I gather my strength. But as you can see, not even a farewell blessing from my daughter can help you. Be gone. :''[Trigon sends the Titans flying away, and they land in the old library, the place where they last saw Raven]'' :'''Cyborg''': Guess that wasn't angry enough. :'''Beast Boy''': Of all the places to crash and burn, why'd it have to be here? :'''Starfire''': Please, I wish to leave. :'''Cyborg''': And go ''where''? The whole world is toast! And the only person who'd know what to do is... We could really use her help right now. :''[Robin walking up the flight of stairs]'' :'''Robin''': I know what we saw. But I just can't believe it. It just doesn't feel like Raven's really gone. :'''Slade''': That's because she isn't. :''[He steps out of the shadows]'' :'''Robin''': ''Slade''. <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': What's the matter, Slade? Giving up already? :'''Slade''': Sorry to disappoint you, Robin, but I'm not here to fight, I'm here to help. :'''Beast Boy''': We don't ''need'' your help! :'''Slade''': Yes. You seem to have everything under control. Raven can still be saved. :''[Starfire grabs Slade and pins him into the wall, as she holds him and gets ready to fire a starbolt at him]'' :'''Starfire''': You will ''not'' dishonour our friend with your trickery! :'''Cyborg''': Whatever you're selling, we're ''not'' buying! :'''Slade''': Think of me what you will. But what Trigon did, even ''I'' wouldn't wish on this world. :'''Cyborg''': It's a little late for "I'm sorry"! :'''Slade''': You mistake my generosity for regret, Cyborg. I only offer my assistance because it suits me. :''[Starfire lets Slade go]'' :'''Starfire''': But we saw Raven become the portal. She was destroyed! :'''Slade''': Raven has fulfilled the prophecy of her birth. That part of her existence is complete. But another part still remains, for the moment. :'''Robin''': Why are you doing this? What's in it for you? :'''Slade''': My reasons are my own. Do you want your friend back or not? :'''Cyborg''': Just tell us where she is, and we'll take it from there. :'''Slade''': There will be no "we". This is a journey only one of you may take. :'''Beast Boy''': No deal! She's our friend. All of us are going! :'''Slade''': Then your friend is doomed to oblivion. You fail to realize, Trigon is all-seeing. His mind can be at any place, at any time. For us to succeed, Trigon's attention must be occupied. :'''Cyborg''': And how do you expect us to do that?! We already tried fighting him; look where it got us! :'''Slade''': It's the end of the world. Did you think it would be easy? I don't expect you to win. I don't even expect you to live - only endure. :'''Robin''': I'll go with you. :'''Starfire''': Robin, no! :'''Robin''': If there's even the slightest chance to save Raven, what choice do we have? :'''Slade''': The journey to this world has taken much of Trigon's power. ''[holds out a ring]'' With this, you might be able to survive. It's a Ring of Azar; forged by the same order that imprisoned Trigon. I know from experience that it works. :''[Slade gives the ring to Robin, who, in turn, gives it to Starfire]'' :'''Robin''': I know you can do it. :''[Robin and Starfire hug]'' :'''Cyborg''': It may get ugly, but don't worry. We'll keep him busy. :'''Beast Boy''': Yeah. Just wait 'til Trigon gets slapped with my patented Wet Willie Maneuver! :'''Robin''': He won't know what hit him. :'''Slade''': Your goodbyes are really quite touching, but we have work to do, Robin. :'''Robin''': I'll bring her back. I promise. <hr width80%> :'''Slade''': Before we continue, a warning. If we succeed, I can't guarantee you'll like what you find. :'''Robin''': I'll take my chances. <hr width80%> :''[After Trigon manifested dark versions of Beast Boy, Cyborg and Starfire]'' :'''Beast Boy''': I always figured I was taller. :'''Trigon''': I may be the source of all darkness, but you are your own worst enemies. :'''Dark Cyborg''': Raven wasn't the only one with a bad side. <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': So why did you do it? For money? Status? Those dark powers? :'''Slade''': Not everything is so cut and dry, Robin. :'''Robin''': Selling out our world for your own personal gain seems pretty cut and dry to me. :'''Slade''': With or without me, there was no stopping this. :'''Robin''': But you played a part. And just like everything else you've ever done, it's made people suffer. :'''Slade''': It's what I do best. <hr width80%> :''[As the fire demons surrounds them, Robin and Slade prepare to fight]'' :'''Slade''': Only a minor setback. Nothing two old friends can't handle. :'''Robin''': I'm ''not'' your friend. <hr width80%> :''[As Slade and Robin have the upper hand, one fire demon comes up to Robin, which he quickly fends off]'' :'''Robin''': I thought we had a deal. :'''Slade''': Old habits die hard. <hr width80%> :''[It's revealed to Robin that under Slade's mask, is a skull]'' :'''Slade''': ''[after putting his mask back on]'' I'd rather you hadn't seen that. It's really only a temporary condition. :'''Robin''': What ''are'' you? :'''Slade''': Let's just say I'm currently incomplete. Time is running out. We must keep moving. :'''Robin''': I don't think so. Unless I get some answers, you're on your own. :'''Slade''': It seems my luck with apprentices is most unfortunate. :''[The flashbacks show Slade's death and Trigon's half-resurrection]'' :'''Slade''': Terra's betrayal should have been my demise. But I got lucky. Someone was looking out for me that day. :'''Trigon''': ''[in the flashback]'' ''Heed my command, and I will return what you have lost''. :'''Slade''': It was a simple arrangement, actually. Do a few chores, and I get back my flesh and blood. And I must admit, the fringe benefits were most enjoyable. ''[pause]'' A pity things didn't work out as planned. :''[Flashbacks ends]'' :'''Slade''': The moral of this story? Never make a deal with an inter-dimensional demon without a little protection. :'''Robin''': You didn't bring me down here just to save Raven. I'm also here to help save ''you''. :'''Slade''': A deal's a deal. <hr width80%> :'''Starfire''': You remind of [[w:Blackfire (DC Comics)|our sister]]. :'''Dark Starfire''': I will take that as a compliment. Realize, with you gone, Robin will be all mine. :'''Starfire''': HE WILL ''NOT''! <hr width80%> :'''Dark Beast Boy''': What's the matter? Had enough? No wonder [[w:Terra (comics)|Terra]] dumped you. <hr width80%> :'''Slade''': You must be overjoyed to see me like this, Robin. Desperate, weak, vulnerable. :'''Robin''': I'm here to save Raven, not pity you. Which way? :'''Slade''': I'm afraid this where we part company. You'll find your friend along that path. :'''Robin''': What about you? :'''Slade''': What I seek is in a somewhat... hotter place. :'''Robin''': That's it? No double-cross? No cryptic threat? :'''Slade''': I kept my word. How about a little gratitude? :'''Robin''': This doesn't change anything. If I ''ever'' see you again- :'''Slade''': I wouldn't expect anything less. ====''Part III'' [4.13]==== :'''Beast Boy''': I hate to say it, but Four-Eyes has a point. My butt can't take much more kicking. :'''Starfire''': It can, and it ''will''. We must keep the Trigon occupied. :''[Cyborg walks up to them]'' :'''Cyborg''': As long as those all-seeing eyes are looking at us, he won't go looking for Robin. :'''Dark Cyborg''': Wanna bet? :'''Starfire''': No! :''[Dark Starfire zips up to Trigon's ear]'' :'''Nega Starfire''': ''[giggles and whispers]'' They are trying to distract you so Robin can- :'''Trigon''': I know. :'''Beast Boy''': He knows? :'''Cyborg''': He knows. He's just been toying with us. :'''Trigon''': I was aware of this rescue mission before your small minds have even concealed it. And I have known from the beginning that your plan presents no threat. You fail to comprehend the depth of my power, and you fail to understand the departure of your friend. Some remnant of my daughter may yet exist, but the [[w:Raven (DC comics)|Raven]] you know is lost forever. <hr width80%> :'''Young Raven''': Who...who are you? :'''Robin''': It's okay. I'm here to take you back. :''[She begins to run from him]'' :'''Robin''': Raven! :''[He starts chasing after her until he manages to catch up to her]'' :'''Robin''': Wait! I'm not going to hurt you! :''[Young Raven cuts him off a different path. She stops when she hits a dead end]'' :'''Robin''': Please, I just want- ''[Young Raven kicks him]'' Ow! :''[She takes her cloak from him and continues to run until she reaches another dead end. Robin catches up to her]'' :'''Robin''': Raven, it's me, Robin. Remember? :'''Young Raven''': I'm lost. :'''Robin''': I know. But I've found you. You don't need to be afraid anymore. I can help you. But you have to let me. <hr width80%> :'''Soul Guard''': The hollow journey of your vacant vessel ends here. What you seek cannot be reclaimed. :'''Slade''': Perhaps. But it's not like I have anything left to lose. <hr width80%> :'''Beast Boy''': Dude, I have no idea I was so tough. :'''Cyborg''': You're not. I can kick your butt any day of the... :'''Starfire''': If we cannot defeat ourselves, perhaps we can defeat each other. :''[The dark clones appear. Cyborg and Beast Boy high five each other]'' :'''Cyborg and Beast Boy''': Switch! <hr width80%> :''[Robin is walking with Young Raven]'' :'''Robin''': It's all right. :''[Young Raven climbs onto to back]'' :'''Robin''': How about a story to pass the time? :''[He begins to climb the cavern]'' :'''Robin''': This is the story of Raven. She was my very good friend. And she was very brave. Together, we fought evil. We beat monsters and villains, and we kept our city safe. But even though she was doing good, Raven was always afraid that deep down inside, she was bad. See, from the day she was born, people told her that someday, something terrible was going to- :''[The lava suddenly splits apart to reveal fire demons]'' <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': You okay? You didn't get hurt? :'''Young Raven''': Robin... why are you doing this? :'''Robin''': You ''do'' remember, don't you? :'''Young Raven''': ''[nods]'' The story you were telling. I can see it. Bits and pieces. You... ''our'' friends. My father. Like it was a dream. A nightmare. Whatever it was... it's over. :'''Robin''': Raven... there may still be a way to- :'''Young Raven''': Nobody can stop him. I remember that. You came down here for nothing. :'''Robin''': I came down here for ''you''. :'''Young Raven''': ''Why?'' I can't help. My powers came from him. And now that he's done with me, I don't have them anymore. There was... a prophecy, Robin, and it came true. It's all over now. :'''Robin''': Yeah... it's the end of the world. But so what? We're still here. Still fighting. Still friends. :'''Young Raven''': ''Look at me'', Robin! There is nothing I can do! There isn't any hope! :'''Robin''': Then I guess... I just have to have enough hope for the both of us. :''[He smiles, picks her up, giving her a piggyback, before continuing on his journey]'' <hr width80%> :'''Soul Guard''': Your days have long since ended, mortal. Time to lie down with the rest of the mortals. :'''Slade''': You first. :''[The Soul Guards seems to have defeated Slade and about is to execute him]'' :'''Soul Guard''': You cannot hope to defeat pure evil. :'''Slade''': Actually, I'm not such a nice guy myself. :''[Using his S bomb, Slade blows him up, along with the gate. This causes all the souls, including his, to be released]'' :'''Slade''': ''[as his soul has returned to him]'' Ahhh. My own flesh and blood. ''[looks at the guard]'' Don't get up. ''[picks up the guard's double-headed axe]'' I'll let myself out. <hr width80%> :''[Trigon creates a hole in the sky]'' :'''Trigon''': Go forth and conquer! One by one, worlds shall fall! ''[fire demons fly up and enter through the hole in the sky]'' Until every being in this entire dimension bows down to worship Trigon the Terrible! ''[closes the hole in the sky and thunder roars in the background]'' <hr width80%> :'''Robin''': This is your story, Raven. And I'm not sure what happens next. I know it seems hopeless, but I believe that when the time is right, you will know what to do. <hr width80%> :'''Slade''': For the record, I'm ''nobody's'' servant. <hr width80%> :''[After Trigon sent a blast that incapacitated the Titans]'' :'''Young Raven''': Get up! Robin, please! Get ''up''! :''[Trigon's approaches]'' :'''Trigon''': Farewell, dear daughter. :''[He tries to kill her, but a white energy coming from her hand shields her]'' :'''Young Raven''': How...? :'''Trigon''': You may have retained some trace of my power, but you are still no threat to me, little girl. I am your creator, your master. You exist only to serve me. You survive only because I allow it. What hope can a mere child have of defeating her all-powerful father? :'''Raven''': ''[having transformed back into a teenager]'' You may have created me. But you were ''never'' my father. :'''Trigon''': Wretched, insignificant- ''[gets hit]'' UGH! :'''Raven''': Fathers are kind. Fathers protect you. Fathers ''raise'' you. I was protected by the monks of [[w:Azarath|Azarath]]. I was raised by my friends. They are my family, ''this'' is my home, and you are ''not'' welcome here! ''AZARATH, METRION, '''ZINTHOS!''''' :''[She projects a raven of pure white mystical energy that illuminates her father and reverses the effects of what he did to Earth]'' :'''Starfire''': Raven, that was... :'''Cyborg''': Unbelievable. :'''Raven''': No, it wasn't. Somebody believed. :'''Robin''': Welcome back. :'''Beast Boy''': Okay, you're freaking me out here! The white robe and smile are weird enough but ''hugs''? Are you still...you? :'''Raven''': Blue is still my favorite colour. And don't get used to the smile, 'cause you're still not funny. :'''Beast Boy''': Huh? Raven! :'''Raven''': Quit it. <hr width80%> :'''Raven''': Slade got away? :'''Robin''': If he ever shows his face again, we'll be ready. :'''Raven''': How do you do it, Robin? :'''Robin''': Do what? :'''Raven''': Keep hoping. After everything that happened, everything I did, how did you still manage to hope it could all work out? :'''Robin''': Because of you. You don't realize it, Raven, but you're actually the most hopeful person I've ever met. From the day you were born, they said you were evil, that you were created to do unspeakable things. But you wished for more. You dared to hope that you could be a hero. :'''Raven''': I thought it was all over. And now...suddenly- :'''Robin''': -You have your whole life ahead of you. You can decide your own destiny. :'''Raven''': I guess, in the end, there really is no end; just new beginnings. ==Characters== ===Main=== * Dick Grayson/[[w:Robin (Dick Grayson)|Robin]] * Garfield Logan/[[w:Beast Boy|Beast Boy]] * Victor Stone/[[w:Cyborg (comics)|Cyborg]] * [[w:Raven (comics)|Raven]] * Princess Koriand'r/[[w:Starfire (Teen Titans)|Starfire]] ===Supporting=== * Deathstroke/Slade (5 episodes) * [[w:Trigon (comics)|Trigon]] (5 episodes) * [[w:Arella|Arella]] ("The Prophecy"; vision) * Dr. Light ("Birthmark") * Adonis ("Overdrive") * Mother May-Eye (debuts in "Mother May-Eye") ==External links== {{wikipedia|Teen Titans (season 4)}} [[Category:Teen Titans seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 1om9k5j97i91lq9x372vboezvjjchl3 0 174604 3955187 3947083 2026-06-22T03:15:11Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* Space Pilot 3000 */ 3955187 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Futurama/Season 1|1]] [[Futurama/Season 2|2]] [[Futurama/Season 3|3]] [[Futurama/Season 4|4]] [[Futurama/Season 5|5]] [[Futurama/Season 6|6]] [[Futurama/Season 7|7]] [[Futurama/Season 8|8]] | [[Futurama|Main]] ---- '''''[[wikipedia:Futurama|Futurama]]''''' is an American animated sitcom created by [[Matt Groening]] and David X. Cohen. Set in the year 3000, a 20th century human who was frozen in the year 1999 awakes to find himself in the future, where he finds new friends who are coworkers at the Planet Express delivery company. ===''[[w:Space Pilot 3000|Space Pilot 3000]]''=== :''[The caption "December 31th, 1999" comes up and a crude spaceship flies through space, cruising over and under planets]'' :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': ''[voice-over]'' Space. It seems to go on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwin' barrels at you. ''[A planet opens up and a huge gorilla starts throwing barrels at the spaceship. It dodges a few but one hits it and it explodes. The gorilla thumps its chest and "Game Over" flashes on the screen. The spaceship and gorilla isn't real and Fry is playing an arcade game called "Monkey Fracas Jr". He wears a red jacket and has orange hair with two distinct forks at the front. A boy stands next to him. The game is against the wall of a pizzeria called Panucci's Pizza]'' And that's how you play the game! :'''Boy''': You stink, loser! :''[Panucci, a middle-aged balding man wearing a vest, leans over the counter with a pizza box]'' :'''Mr. Panucci''': Hey, Fry. Pizza going out! COME ON!!! :''[Fry sighs, takes the pizza from him and walks out. In New York City Street, Fry cycles past people outside O'Grady's Pub enjoying their New Millennium Eve. A cab pulls up and he sees his girlfriend inside]'' :'''Fry''': Michelle, baby! Where you going? :'''[[w:Michelle|Michelle]]''': It's not working out, Fry. ''[Next to her is a guy with his arm around her. The cab pulls away, shouting, from cab]'' I put your stuff out on the sidewalk! :''[Time Lapse, Fry is still on his bike getting more and more depressed]'' :'''Fry''': I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life. :''[In Outside Applied Cryogenics, he steps outside a building and locks up his bike. A man sneaks up behind him, cuts the chain and steals the bike]'' :'''Bike Thief''': Happy new year! :''[In Applied Cryogenics Corridor, Fry steps out of the elevator of the 64th floor. He knocks on a door marked "Applied Cryogenics". A sign underneath indicates "No Power Failures Since 199[7]". There is no response at the door and Fry goes in. In Freezer Room, the room is empty and there are no lights on. Strange pods about 6ft tall line one of the walls. There are a few other machines around the room and a desk and a chair in the middle of the room. Fry wipes some condensation from a window on one of the pods, revealing the face of an inanimate man inside. He turns around]'' :'''Fry''': Hello? Pizza delivery for uh... ''[he reads the note]'' I.C. Wiener? Aww crud. I always thought at this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls. ''[He sits down on the chair, puts his feet on the desk and opens a can of beer]'' Here's to another lousy millennium. :''[He unenthusiastically raises his hand and toasts.]'' :'''Crowd''': ''[Crowds have gathered for the countdown from Times Square, "10" appears on a huge screen]'' Ten! ''[On the Eiffel Tower displays "9"]'' Neuf! ''[On the Vatican City, the Pope holds up a sign it reads "VIII" on it]'' Otto! ''[Egyptians crowd around the pyramids in Egypt]'' Saba! ''[People are gathered around the Parthenon in Athens]'' Eksi! ''[On the Great Wall of China, he chants]'' Wu! ''[On the Taj Mahal, he chants]'' Char! ''[On the African Village, he chants and jumps]'' Thathu! ''[On the Tokyo, a screen displays "2"]'' Nee! ''[In space the whole planet sees in the new millennium, he all chants]'' One! :''[Fry unenthusiastically blows a noise maker and starts losing his balance on the chair. It tips back. Fry waves his arms around trying to regain his balance. As he falls he see the Nibbler’s shadow of a small creature under the desk. The chair tips back and Fry falls off it and rolls backwards into cryogenic freezer number 40. The dial on the machine automatically sets itself for 1000 years]'' :'''Fry''': What the—? ''[He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time]'' :''[Days and night and eventually years pass à la The Time Machine as he stays locked in the freezer. Civilization is destroyed by aliens twice until eventually huge buildings spring up around Applied Cryogenics. The timer stops 1000 years later and the door opens. Fry is unfrozen. Initially disoriented, he stumbled and he stretch his arms. He looks around and noticed something to his right. He presses his face against a large window and stares in awe. Fry's first glimpse of the future]'' :'''Fry''': My God, it's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again. ''[Pause.]'' YAHOO!!! :''[Opening Credits, he reads In Color. A TV opening cartoon called "Little Buck Cheeser" by MGM (1937). The tv off he reads "Created By Matt Groening" and "Developed By Matt Groening David X. Cohen" and the ship breaks TV. After opening credit, Fry continues looking out of the window in Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. The door opens and two shadows walk in]'' :'''Terry''': ''[melodramatically]'' Welcome to the world of tomorrow! :''[The other shadow turns on the light. They are lab technicians both wearing white lab coats. The dramatic one, Terry, is a blonde Caucasian with large glasses. The other, Lou, is a black-haired Asian]'' :'''Lou''': Why do you always have to say it that way? :'''Terry''': Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship? ''[He turns to Fry. Dramatically]'' Come, your destiny awaits! :''[At Applied Cryogenics Corridor, the technicians leave Fry outside the Fate Assignment Officer's office]'' :'''Lou''': Have a nice future. :''[The door slides open]'' :'''Fry''': Cool! Just like in Star Trek! ''[The door closes on his head]'' Ow! :''[A woman wearing a black uniform stands with her back to Fry looking at a clipboard. She has purple hair held up in a ponytail]'' :'''[[w:Leela (Futurama)|Leela]]''': Good afternoon, sir. ''[Fry is impressed with what he sees. Leela turns around. She has one huge eye in the middle of her face. Fry gasps]'' Name? :'''Fry''': Uh, Fry. :'''Leela''': I'm Leela. Now, it's New Year's Eve, so I'd like to decide your fate quickly and get out of here. :'''Fry''': Can I ask you a question? :'''Leela''': As long as it's not about my eye. :'''Fry''': Uh… :'''Leela''': Is it about my eye? :'''Fry''': Sort of. :'''Leela''': ''[sighs]'' Just ask the question. :'''Fry''': What's with the eye? :'''Leela''': I'm an alien, alright? Let's drop the subject. :'''Fry''': Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the planet? :'''Leela''': No, I just work here. :''[Fry looks out the window. A passing blimp displays "Happy New Year 3000". Leela follows his gaze]'' :'''Fry''': Wait a minute. Is that blimp accurate? :'''Leela''': Yep. It's December 31st, 2999. :'''Fry''': My God! A million years! :'''Leela''': I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you. :'''Fry''': Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me. :'''Leela''': Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator. ''[Fry lies on a metal table in Probulator Room, surrounded by probing equipment. Leela puts a single-lensed goggle on and presses a button. Fry squeaks]'' Interesting. Your DNA test shows one living relative. He's your great-great-great-great-great-great-great… ''[Fry is now fully dressed]'' …great-great-great-great-great nephew. :'''Fry''': That's great! What's the little guy’s name? :'''Leela''': Professor Hubert Farnsworth. :''[She turns the page over to show Fry the photo. Farnsworth is an old bald man who wears thick glasses]'' :'''Fry''': Eurgh! ''[Leela types something on a computer in Fate Assignment Officer’s Office]'' Y'know, I'm the luckiest guy in the whole future. I've been given a second chance and this time I'm not going to be a total loser. ''[Buzzer buzzes]'' What's that? :'''Leela''': Your permanent career assignment. :''[She turns the screen around to show him his career. "Career: Delivery Boy" is displayed on the screen]'' :'''Fry''': Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please! Anything else! ''[He grabs Leela’s hand]'' :'''Leela''': Take your hands off me! You've been assigned the job you're best at just like everyone else. :'''Fry''': What if I refuse? :'''Leela''': Then you'll be fired… :'''Fry''': Fine! :'''Leela''': Out of a cannon into the sun! :'''Fry''': But I don't like being a delivery boy. :'''Leela''': Well, that's tough! Lots of people don't like their jobs but we do them anyway. ''[She points at a poster of a man wearing a hardhat with the caption “You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do”]'' You gotta do what you gotta do. Now hold out your hand. I'm gonna implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy. :''[She picks up an implant gun. It has two huge spikes on the end]'' :'''Fry''': Keep that thing away from me! :''[He gets up and runs out of the room. He runs from the office in Applied Cryogenics Corridor. Leela runs in Freezer Room, after Fry and he dodged the implant gun] :'''Leela''': Hold still, dammit. I don't have good depth perception! ''[She jumps at Fry, missed it, and falls into a cryogenic freezer, it sets itself for 1000 years]'' You've got until the count of five to let me out of here. One… ''[In a flash, she is frozen]'' :'''Fry''': See you in a thousand years! ''[He start to walk out but hesitates. He walks back and changed the freeze time to five minutes]'' You own me one. ''[Back in New New York City Street, Fry runs out of the building and looks in awe at the sights around him]'' Whoa! :''[Spaceships take off, there are traffic jams in the sky and billboards advertising Bachelor Chow. A couple walk past him nearly naked except for some strategically-placed black bars. He looks up and sees people flying though a green tube overhead. He walks around a corner and finds and entrance to the tube. A pedestrian steps in]'' :'''Man #1''': Radio City Mutant Hall. [The man is sucked up into the tube]'' :'''Fry''': Cool! ''[He steps into the tube]'' Um… Cross Town Express? :''[The tube sucks him up and he screams as he files through it. People look up from the street and stare at him. He is taken across the city, past the Statue of Liberty, underwater and sees Blinky from The Simpsons and finally out the other end smack into the building. A man looks up from his newspaper]'' :'''Man #2''': Pfft! Tourist! :''[A hover-car files over a line of traffic on the road and a police car chases it. Fry walks around a corner and sees a line of people outside a small grey booth]'' :'''Fry''': Hey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew. ''[An impatient robot joins the queue behind him. It is more or less human-shaped, grey, with an antenna on top of its head]'' Whoa… a real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama character)|Bender]]''': Bite my shiny metal ass. ''[Fry looks around at the robot's ass]'' :'''Fry''': It doesn't look so shiny to me. :'''Bender''': Shinier than yours, meatbag. :''[Fry steps into the booth, overlooking the sign on the side that says “Suicide Booth”. Fry whistles and press a button and nothing happens. The robot steps into behind him]'' :'''Bender''': Listen, buddy. I'm in a hurry here. Let's try for a two-fer. :''[He puts a coin on a string in the slot then pulls it out again and chuckles. A pleasant woman's voice speaks]'' :'''Suicide Booth Voice''': Please select mode of death: "Quick and Painless" or "Slow and Horrible". :'''Fry''': Yeah, I’d like to place a collect call. :'''Booth Voice''': You have selected: "Quick and Painless". :'''Bender''': Great choice! ''[Knives, tasers and Jacob's Ladders come out from behind a hatch]'' Bring it on, baby! :''[Fry screams. Meanwhile, the robot is getting impatient]'' :'''Bender''': Come on, come on! Kill me already! By the way, my name's Bender! ''[He holds out his hand]'' :'''Fry''': Help! What's happening? :''[The sharp objects move forward. Fry pushes Bender to the side of the booth. The sharp things stab and twist at the air and finally return to behind the hatch]'' :'''Booth Voice''': You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide booth since 2008. :''[Back in New New York City Street, Fry runs out, gasping]'' :'''Bender''': Lousy, stinking rip-off! ''[He kicks the booth]'' Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk! :''[The timer on Leela's chamber runs out in Applied Cryogenics. The door opens and she is unfrozen]'' :'''Leela''': Two, three— Hey! :'''Terry''': ''[melodramatically]'' Welcome to the world of tomorrow! :'''Leela''': Shut up, Terry. :''[In Ipgee's Office, Leela's boss sits behind a large desk and she stands in front of it]'' :'''Ipgee''': This is unacceptable, Leela. You must find this Mr. Fry and install his chip. :'''Leela''': Look, he's just a nobody who doesn't want to be a delivery boy. I'd really rather not force it on him. :'''Ipgee''': Well, that's your job, whether you like it or not. And it's my job to make you do your job whether I like it or not, which I do, very much! Now get to work! ''[Leela leaves. He puts his feet up on the desk]'' Life is good! :''[At O'Zorgnax's Pub, Fry and Bender sit at the bar. Bender drinks a bottle of Olde Fortean malt liquor]'' :'''Fry''': Why would a robot need to drink? :'''Bender''': I don't ''need'' to drink. I can quit anytime I want! ''[He belches fire]'' So they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job. :'''Fry''': Really? What do you do, Bender? :'''Bender''': I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do. :'''Fry''': You any good at it? :'''Bender''': You kidding? I was a star! I could bend a girder to any angle: 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it. ''[unsure]'' 31. ''[normal]'' But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for. :'''Fry''': What? :'''Bender''': Suicide booths! ''[He finishes his drink and swallows the bottle]'' Well, Fry, it was a pleasure meeting you. I’m gonna go kill myself. ''[He gets up]'' :'''Fry''': Wait! You're the only friend I have! :'''Bender''': You really want a robot for a friend? :'''Fry''': Yeah, ever since I was six. :'''Bender''': Well, okay. But I don't want people thinking we're robo-sexuals. So, if anyone asks, you're my debugger. :''[Fry looks out the window and sees Leela]'' :'''Fry''': Oh, no! It's the Cyclops! ''[He crouches down behind Bender]'' Don't look! Don't look! :'''Bender''': I'm not looking! :''[His eyes zoom in to Leela. At outside of O'Zorgnax's Pub, Leela shows Fry's photo to a man. The man points to him inside the pub. Fry and Bender run off. Leela talks into her wrist communicator]'' :'''Leela''': This is Officer 1-B D-I requesting backup. :''[The camera pulls back to reveal two police officers named Smitty the human and Officer URL the robot standing right next to her Leela. Smitty replies in his wrist communicator]'' :'''Officer Smitty''': We'll be there in 5 minutes. :''[In Outside the Head Museum, Bender stops Fry outside the building]'' :'''Bender''': We can hide in here. It's free on Tuesdays! :''[He runs up the steps dragging Fry behind him. In Head Museum, hundred of heads in jars are stacked on shelves. Leonard Nimoy's head in a jar is on a platform in the middle of one of the rooms]'' :'''[[Leonard Nimoy]]''': Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard Nimoy. :'''Fry''': Spock? Hey! Hey! Do the thing! :''[He does the Vulcan salute from Star Trek. Nimoy chuckles]'' :'''Leonard Nimoy''': I don't do that anymore. :'''Fry''': This is unbelievable! What do you heads do all day? :'''Leonard Nimoy''': We share our wisdom with those who seek it. It’s a life of quiet dignity. :'''Feeder Woman''': ''[He enters]'' Feeding time! :''[She shakes a box of what looks like fish food over the jar. Nimoy eats what comes out. The door opens and Fry turns around. Enter Leela, Smitty and URL]'' :'''Leela''': Hmm. ''[She looks around and sees Fry and Bender hiding behind a self in amongst other assorted heads]'' I'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install your career chip. :'''Fry''': Yeah, well, if you're sorry why are you doing it? :'''Leela''': It's my job! You gotta do what you gotta do! ''[Fry backs away and hits a shelf with the heads of US presidents on it]'' Watch it! :''[Richard Nixon's head falls off. The jar smashed]'' :'''[[Richard Nixon]]''': That's it! You just made my list! :''[He jumps up and starts bitting Fry's arm]'' :'''Fry''': Ow, ow, ow, ow! Stop it! Down boy! Bad president! :''[Bender tries to pull Nixon's head off]'' :'''Smitty''': Alright, buddy, step away from the head! :''[Fry and Bender put their hands up, and Fry looks at Nixon's bitting his Fry's arm again]'' :'''URL''': I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass! :''[They turn on their lightsabers and start to hit Fry]'' :'''Leela''': Please, officers, there's no need to use force. :'''URL''': Let us handle this, weird-y. :''[He hits Bender]'' :'''Leela''': Oh, come on, he's just a poor kid from the Stupid Ages. :'''Smitty''': Keep your big nose out of this, ''eyeball''! :'''Leela''': No one makes fun of my nose. :''[She kicks Smitty and URL. Fry and Bender run off and hide in a room]'' :'''URL''': Damn! :'''Leela''': You guys were totally out of control. :'''Smitty''': It's our job. We're peace officers. :'''URL''': Yeah, you know the law: You gotta do what you gotta do. :''[Leela considers this. In Head Museum: Hall of Criminals, Bender locks the door]'' :'''Bender''': Oh, we're trapped! :''[Fry looks to the end of the room. There is a window with bars across it]'' :'''Fry''': Wait a second. You're a bender, right? We can get out of here if you just bend the bars. :'''Bender''': Dream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a de-bender? :'''Fry''': Who cares what you're programmed for. If someone programmed you to jump off a bridge would you do it? :'''Bender''': I'll have to check my program… yep. :'''Leela''': ''[From outside]'' Open up! :'''Fry''': Come on, Bender! It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals... and animal robots. :'''Bender''': You're full of crap, Fry! ''[He turns and a dangling wire catches on his antenna and electrocuted him]'' You make a persuasive argument, Fry. ''[He starts to bend the bars]'' :'''Fry''': Come on, Bender! You can do it! :'''Bender''': Can't… I… can't… do… it…! :''[The bars bend and break off completely]'' :'''Fry''': Yes! :'''Bender''': You were right, Fry! From now on I'm going to bend what I want, when I want, who I want! I'm unstoppable! :''[His arms fall off but he manages to somehow reattach them without any help]'' :'''Fry''': I don't know how you did that. :''[Leela kicks the door open. Fry and Bender dive out through the window. In Outside Head Museum, Fry runs off and Bender bends the bars back so Leela can't climb through. He runs after Fry and Leela reaches out through the bars]'' :'''Leela''': Wait! :'''Bender''': ''[shouting]'': No, thanks! :''[In Alley, Fry and Bender stop at a dead end. There is a drain below them with a grate over the top]'' :'''Bender''': Looks like one of us will have to bend this grate. :''[He flexes his fingers but Fry just lifts it. Bender groans and they climb down the ladder. He reaches back up to the grate and bends it just for the hell of it. He chuckles and follows Fry. In Ruins of Old New York, Fry and Bender step off the ladder and look over the vast ruins of the city that looks like the city from Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. Collapsed buildings and rubble litter the streets and holes in the roof left in a few shafts of light]'' :'''Fry''': Good Lord! What is this? :'''Bender''': It's the decaying ruins of Old New York. Welcome home, pal! :''[Time Lapse, Fry and Bender walk down a ruined street]'' :'''Fry''': It's my old neighbourhood. Man, this brings back a lot of memories. :'''Bender''': Keep 'em to yourself, pops! :''[In Ruins of Rockefeller Center Skating Rink, Fry learns over a wall]'' :'''Fry''': This is where I brought my girlfriend on our very first date. ''[Flashback, Fry skates with Michelle on the crowded ice. Flashback ends, The ice is gone, replaced with murky green waters inhabited by a green tentacles creature]'' My God! She's gone! Everyone I ever knew or cared about is gone. :'''Bender''': Wait! There's someone you know! :''[He points at Leela, standing with her implant gun]'' :'''Fry''': Oh. Can't you leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already. :'''Leela''': I know it's not much consolation, but I know how you feel. :'''Fry''': No you don't. I've got no home, no family. :'''Bender''': No friends. :'''Fry''': My whole world is gone. You can't possibly understand what it feels like to be so alone. :'''Leela''': I understand. I'm the only one-eyed alien on this whole planet. My parents abandoned me here as a baby and I don't even know what galaxy they were from. I know how it feels to be alone. :'''Fry''': Look, Leela, I don't understand this world but you obviously do, so I give up. If you think I should be a delivery boy, I'll do it. ''[He holds out his hand to Leela. She gets the implant gun ready. Fry cringes and looks away. The gun clicks but Fry feels nothing. He opens his eyes and sees Leela drop her own chip on the floor]'' Your chip. What are you doing? :'''Leela''': Quitting. :'''Fry''': Why? :'''Leela''': Because I've always wanted to. I just never realised it before I met you. :''[She puts her hand on his and smiles. Bender puts his hand on top]'' :'''Fry''': What is the matter with you? :''[Bender quickly takes his hand off]'' :'''Bender''': I just wanted to be part of the moment. :'''Leela''': Hey! He stole my ring! :'''Bender''': Sorry. ''[He hands Leela's ring back]'' Well, that solves the mystery of the missing ring. This calls for a drink. ''[He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out three bottles of beer… and drinks them all himself]'' :'''Leela''': I don't wanna spoil the party but we're all job deserters now. We’re unemployed and we have nowhere to go. :'''Fry''': Correction: We're unemployed but we have a doddering old relative to mooch off of. :''[He holds up the picture of Farnsworth. At Planet Express headquarters, Lounge, Professor Farnsworth is asleep in his chair, the TV is on]'' :'''[[Dick Clark]]''': ''[on TV]'' Hello, I'm Dick Clark's head. Welcome to a special year 3000 edition of New Year's Rockin' Eve. ''[The doorbell rings and Farnsworth wakes up. In Outside Planet Express, Farnsworth opens the door to Fry, Bender and Leela]'' :'''[[w:Professor Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Who are you? :'''Fry''': I'm your dear old Uncle Fry. :'''Farnsworth''': I don't have an Uncle Fry. :'''Bender''': You do now! :''[He pushes Farnsworth back inside. In Planet Express, Lounge, Farnsworth and Fry are hooked up to a machine. It dings and a red light flashes]'' :'''Farnsworth''': By God, I ''am'' your nephew! This is absolutely incredible! :'''Bender''': Can we have some money? :'''Farnsworth''': Oh, my, no. ''[In Planet Express, Farnsworth's Lab, the four walk in]'' Let me show you around. That's my lab table and this is my work-stool. And over there is my intergalactic spaceship! ''[He points in the general direction of a big green spaceship in a huge hanger next to the lab]'' And here's where I keep assorted lengths of wire. :''[He opens a drawer but Fry is more interested in what's in the hangar]'' :'''Fry''': Whoa! A real live spaceship! :'''Farnsworth''': I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used. :'''Smitty''': ''[from outside]'' Attention, job deserters! Come out with your hands up. We have you partially surrounded. :''[Leela gasps]'' :'''Fry''': No! :''[Bender literally shits a brick. In Outside Planet Express, Smitty holds Nixon's head in a jar, he was back to normal. The glass is cracked and taped in places]'' :'''Richard Nixon''': Get those burns! :''[In Planet Express, Farnsworth's Lab]'' :'''Bender''': Well, we're boned! :'''Leela''': Can't we get away in the ship? :'''Farnsworth''': I suppose it is technically possible. Though I am already in my pyjamas. :''[They run towards the ship with Bender carrying Farnsworth under his arm. In Ships Cockpit, Fry runs in and sit in a seat in front of a control panel]'' :'''Fry''': I'll get us out of here. :''[He presses a few buttons and pulls a lever. A little hatch opens in the control panel, a paper cup come down and the machine fills it with coffee]'' :'''Farnsworth''': Can anyone drive stick? :'''Leela''': I can. As long as I don't have to parallel park. :''[She takes off her coat, sits in the pilot's seat and pushes down a lever. In Planet Express, Hangar, klaxons beep and a huge piece of machinery lifts the ship to a 45-degree angle. The entire hangar roof retracts so it is open for the ship. In Outside Planet Express, peace officers armed with laser rifles are stationed outside. URL sees the roof open]'' :'''URL''': If they try to take off, give 'em an ass-ful of laser. :''[Smitty nods. In Ships Cockpit]'' :'''Leela''': Prepare for lift-off. Ten. :'''Crowd''': ''[In Times Square, he chanting]'' Nine! ''[In Egypt, the future pyramids now rotate in mid-air, chanting]'' Amania! ''[In Paris, he chanting]'' Seven! :''[In Alien Ship, he chanting in alien he reads 6]'' :'''Terry''': ''[In Applied Cryogenics, Freezer Room, Lou sits in an open pod and he raises a glass, dramatically]'' Five! :'''Leonard Nimoy''': ''[In Head Museum, He is wearing a party hat]'' Four. :'''Farnsworth''': ''[In Ships Cockpit, Fry, Bender and he are sat on a couch at the front of the cockpit]'' Three. :'''Bender''': Two! ''[He is so tense that he rips the arms off the couch]'' :'''Leela''': One! :'''Fry''': Blast-off! :''[In Outside Planet Express, the ship takes off. In Times Square, people cheer in the new millennium and fireworks explode all over the city. "3000" is projected onto the moon and the ship files between the fireworks]'' :'''Crowd''': Happy New Year!!! :''[In Outside Planet Express]'' :'''Richard Nixon''': Fire! ''Fire''! :''[The peace officers fire their laser guns randomly into the air]'' :'''Smitty''': I can't see nothing. Pretty though. :''[The altitude of the ship increases and laser bolts narrowly miss it. In Ships Cockpit, the ship clears New New York airspace, flies though the atmosphere and heads through the solar system. Everyone cheers]'' :'''Fry''': So, I guess, without jobs, we'll be fugitives forever. :'''Farnsworth''': Not necessarily. Are you there, by any chance, interested in becoming my new spaceship crew? :'''Bender''': New crew? W-What happened to the old crew? :'''Farnsworth''': Of those poor sons of… But that's not important. The important thing is I need a new crew. Anyone interested? :'''Fry''': Yes! ''Yes''! That's exactly the job I've always wanted! :'''Leela''': Thanks for the offer, Professor, but we don't have the proper carrier chips. :'''Farnsworth''': Oh, that won't be a problem. As luck would have it, I saved the chips from my previous crew. :''[He empties the career chips out of an envelope marked "Contents Of Space Wasp's Stomach"]'' :'''Fry''': This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space, fighting monsters and teaching alien women to lurve? :'''Farnsworth''': If by that you mean transporting cargo, then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research. :'''Fry''': Cool. What's my job gonna be? :'''Farnsworth''': You will be responsible for ensuring that the cargo reaches its destination. :''[The smile fades from Fry's face]'' :'''Fry''': So, I'm gonna be a delivery boy? :'''Farnsworth''': Exactly. :'''Fry''': ''[Beat]'' All right! I'm a delivery boy! :''[The ships flies on and the credits show runner appears he read ''Executive Producers Matt Groening David X. Cohen''. The credits started. The Curiosity Company and 30th Century Fox Television logos appears at the end of the episode. This is a silent from the logos on Hulu and Disney+. In Original airing and DVD version he was sound effects]'' === ''[[w:The Series Has Landed|The Series Has Landed]]'' === :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': Fry, we have a crate to deliver. :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': Too much work. Let's burn it and ''say'' we dumped it in the sewer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Amy Wong|Amy]]''': Leela's gonna kill me. :'''Bender''': No, she'll probably make me do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': I'm going to go build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the park! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine, I'll go build my OWN lunar lander... with blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Craterface''': Hi, I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir. :'''Bender''': Better mascots than you have tried. ''(takes a swig of booze and jams the bottle in Craterface's eye)'' :'''Craterface''': At least I have my self-respect. ''(laughs, then sobs quietly)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Farnsworth watches Fry, Bender and Leela trying to escape from the Moon Farmer on a telescope]'' :'''Farnsworth''': My God! I've got to save them! Although I am already in my pajamas. ''[falls asleep]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Farnsworth and Fry are outside Dr. Zoidberg's office]'' :'''Farnsworth''': Now, Fry, before you go into space, you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you, though, he's a little unusual. ''[whispering]'' He wears sandals. ''[The door opens. Dr. Zoidberg, who is indeed wearing sandals, turns his head. Fry shrieks.]'' Dr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy. He needs a physical. :'''Zoidberg''': Excellent, excellent. ''[He bends over and retrieves a medical tool.]'' :'''Farnsworth''': You'll be fine. ''[he leaves]'' :'''Zoidberg''': Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain. :''[Fry opens his mouth]'' :'''Zoidberg''': No, no, not that mouth. :'''Fry''': I only have one. :'''Zoidberg''': Really? ''[he pulls a reference card from his top pocket, then looks at it]'' :'''Fry''': Uh... is there a human doctor around? :'''Zoidberg''': ''[angrily]'' Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say ''[makes a bizarre gurgling noise]''! :'''Fry''': Uh... ''[clears throat, then very poorly imitates the noise Zoidberg had just made]'' :'''Zoidberg''': ''[even more angrily]'' What?! My mother was a SAINT! GET OUT!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]'' :'''Moon Rover Ride Narrator''': The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream. :'''Animatronic Ralph Kramden''': One of these days, Alice-- Bang, zoom, straight to the moon! :'''Leela''': Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat. :'''Fry''': That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife <hr width="50%"/> :'''Animatronic Whalers''': ''[Singing]'' We're whalers on the moon, :We carry a harpoon. :But there ain't no whales, :So we tell tall-tales, :And sing our whaling tune. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Uh, greetings Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth. :'''Sal''': Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach. :'''Fry''': But, you are lazy right? :'''Sal''': Oh, don't get me started! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Hey, I got you guys refrigerator magnets. ''[puts one on Bender's head]'' :'''Bender''': Get it off! Get it off! GET IT--uh, oh. ''[singing]'' How many roads must a man walk down before you... :''[Fry removes magnet]'' :'''Bender''': Keep those things off me! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit. :'''Fry''': So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer? :'''Bender''': Yep. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to want to be a folk singer... === ''[[w:I, Roommate|I, Roommate]]'' === :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': You know, Fry, out of all the friends I've ever had... you're the first. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In their search for a new apartment, Fry, Bender and Leela check out a "suspiciously fantastic" apartment]'' :'''Fry''': I don't get it. What's the catch? :'''Salesman''': Oh, no catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey. :''[cut to Fry, Bender and Leela at the Planet Express employee lounge]'' :'''Fry''': Not one place even remotely liveable. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': ''[in his sleep]'' Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all humans... :'''[[w:Fry (Futurama)|Fry]]''': Bender, wake up! :'''Bender''': Wh-uh? I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it. :'''Fry''': Where's the bathroom? :'''Bender''': The bath what? :'''Fry''': Bathroom. :'''Bender''': The what room? :'''Fry''': Bathroom! :'''Bender''': The what what? :'''Fry''': Never mind. :''[Bender goes back to sleep.]'' :'''Bender''': Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all humans? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Farnsworth''': ''[Talking on the phone]'' Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. How's his wife holding up? To shreds, You say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters, and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two thirds of a person! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry, Bender and Leela are checking out an apartment based on the "Relativity" print by M.C. Escher] :'''Leela''': Wow, this is fantastic. :'''Fry''': I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': This last week with Fry has been great. Beneath his warm, soft exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calculon''': I've been processing this for quite sometime, Monique, will you marry me? :'''Monique''': Oh, Calculon! Yes! :''[Calculon fits the ring on Monique's finger]'' :'''Monique''': It fits! Then you must know I'm... :'''Calculon''': Metric? I've always known, but for you I'm willing to convert. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Oh, fuff! Fry's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago. :''[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]'' :'''Fry''': Hey, Professor, great jerky! :'''Farnsworth''': My God, this is an outrage! ''I'' was going to eat that mummy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': I hate the people who love me, and they hate me. === ''[[w:Love's Labours Lost in Space|Love's Labors Lost in Space]]'' === :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men? :'''Unseen Man''': You suck! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Zapp Brannigan|Zapp Brannigan]]''': Kif. :'''[[w:Kif Kroker|Kif Kroker]]''': Yes… ugh. Yes, Captain. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': I have made it with a woman. Inform the men. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon! :'''Zapp Brannigan''': And which one rocked your world? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': Look, last night was a mistake. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': A sexy mistake. :'''Leela''': No, just a regular mistake. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? ''[Short pause]'' Kif, I'm asking you a question. :''[Kif groans]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious. :'''Leela''': Birds don't crawl. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': They've been known to! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Go ahead. I won't stop you. :'''Leela''': Threaten all you-- Wait. What? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy... bam! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in? :'''Leela''': I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Well, I have studied abroad...or two! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3. :'''Kif''': Who are you talking to, sir? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Farnsworth''': It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals. :'''Leela''': Animals? :'''Farnsworth''': That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds. :'''Leela''': Wait! What about the animals? :'''Farnsworth''': Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow. :'''Leela''': Yes, but what about the animals? :'''Farnsworth''': The wha? :'''Leela''': The animals. :'''Farnsworth''': I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Have the boy lay out my formal shorts. :'''Kif''': The boy, Sir? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': You. You lay out my formal shorts. === ''[[w:Fear of a Bot Planet|Fear of a Bot Planet]]'' === :'''Robot #1''': Administer the test. :'''Robot #2''': Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweetie, or C: a large properly formatted data file? :'''Robot #1''': Choose! :''[Fry and Leela confer for a bit.]'' :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way? :'''Robot #2''': No, it is the bad kind of puppy. :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': Then we'll go with that data file! :'''Robot #2''': Correct! :'''Robot #1''': The flower would also have been acceptable. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store-bought costumes. :'''Leela''': Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday. :'''Fry''': Really? Which one? :'''Bender''': Only Robanukkah, the holiest two weeks on the robot calendar. :'''Leela''': Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was "Robamadan" and before that "Robanza". :'''Fry''': Man, that one was a blast! :'''Bender''': It wasn't just "a blast". It was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball? :'''Farnsworth''': Baseball? God forbid. :'''Leela''': Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as Mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up. :'''Fry''': Boring? Baseball wasn't bori— ''[He cuts himself off.]'' ... So, they finally jazzed it up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robot Mayor''': Welcome to a very special human hunt! We have with us today a guest whose irrational hatred for humans makes me look like a human sympathizer! :''[The robots in the crowd laugh]'' :'''Robot Mayor''': A newly-arrived refugee from Earth, let's hear it for... Bender! :'''Fry''': It's him! He's OK! :'''Bender''': Death to humans! :''[The robots in the crowd cheer]'' :'''Fry''': Aww... It's good to hear his voice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': We're rescuing ya. :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': I don't want to be rescued. :'''Fry''': Say what? :'''Bender''': I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': ''[Noting score on a sheet of paper.]'' Alright! Miller's on pace to hit 70 blerns! :'''Farnsworth''': He's good alright, but he's no Clem Johnson! And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory! :'''Bender''': ''Clem Johnson!'' That sack of skin wouldn't have lasted ''one pitch'' in the old robot league! Now, Wireless Joe Jackson - there was a blern-hittin' machine! :'''Leela''': ''Exactly''! He was a machine ''designed'' to hit blerns. I mean, ''come on!'' Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels. :'''Bender''': Oh, and I suppose Pitch-o-Mat 5000 was "just a modified howitzer"! :'''Leela''': Yep. === ''[[w:A Fishful of Dollars|A Fishful of Dollars]]'' === :''[Fry is playing a compact disc recording of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back;" Leela turns it off.]'' :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music. :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off the stereo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Voice on TV''': Do you remember when chocolate-chip cookies came fresh out of the oven? Petridge Farm remembers :'''Fry''': Oh, those were the days... :'''Voice on TV''': Do you remember when women weren't allowed to vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things. :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': I'm a thing... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mom''': Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mom''': Toodle-oo! ''[Under her breath.]'' Dumbass... :'''Fry''': What a nice lady. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s. :'''Fry''': Wha? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg. :'''Zoidberg''': I'm not on trial here. :'''Fry''': So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth... :'''Zoidberg''': Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]'' :'''Fry''': Okay, my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted. :'''Amy''': I don't know, I've had cow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid $10, 000 for his skeleton? :'''Fry''': I have an idea for a sitcom. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zoidberg''': That stench. That heavenly stench! ''[Eats all the anchovies]'' More... :'''Fry''': There aren't any more, and there never will be. :'''Zoidberg''': ''[advances menacingly]'' More...''More!'' '''More!''' '''''MORE!!!''''' === ''[[w:My Three Suns|My Three Suns]]'' === :''[Bender is watching a cooking show called ''Essence of Elzar'']'' :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Hey, whatcha watching? :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': Is that a cooking show? :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': ''[turns off the TV]'' No, of course not. It was... uh... porno. Yeah, that's it. :'''Leela''': ''[turns the TV back on]'' Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute. :'''Bender''': Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long. :'''Fry''': It's okay, Bender. I like cooking too. :'''Bender''': ''[sotto voce]'' Pansy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Murg''': The Emperor Bont! He's still alive. :'''Bont''': ''[from inside of Fry's stomach]'' Of course I'm alive. Now cut this creep open and drain me out! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was? :'''Fry''': Uhh...... 80,000 years? :'''Leela''': No, one week! :'''Fry''': Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': It's just like the story of the [[grasshopper]] and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': That was the saltiest thing I ever tasted! And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose. :'''Zoidberg''': Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho. :'''Bender''': I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything! :'''Fry''': Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet. :'''Bender''': Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead. :'''Fry''': These things happen. :'''Bender''': Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha! :'''Fry''': Phew, that's a load off my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills. :'''Organ Salesman''': Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right? :'''Fry''': Can't imagine why I would. :'''Organ Salesman''': Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste. :'''Bender''': Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch. :'''Bender''': You call that a couch? I demand a pillow! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Murg''': This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort. :'''Fry''': Puh, puh, puh... How about that one? :'''Murg''': Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing. :'''Fry''': On second thought, I'll take that one. :'''Murg''': Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! :'''Bender''': Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol. :'''Bender''': Here it comes. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone. :'''Bender''': Thank you and goodnight. :'''Leela''': Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror! === ''[[w:A Big Piece of Garbage|A Big Piece of Garbage]]'' === :'''Fry''': ''[After testing the Smell-o-Scope]'' Just don't make me smell Uranus! ''[Laughs]'' :'''Leela''': I don't get it. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all. :'''Fry''': So what's it called now? :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bart Simpson-doll''': Eat my shorts! :'''Bender''': Okay! ''[Eats the doll's shorts.]'' Mmm, shorts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin. :'''Leela''': Those things are all from the 19th century. :'''Fry''': Yeah, well, they probably just copied us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wernstrom''': And what will you be presenting this evening, professor? :'''Farnsworth''': Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place. :'''Wernstrom''': I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year. :'''Farnsworth''': Uh... last year, you say? :'''Wernstrom''': That's right. :'''Farnsworth''': Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place? :'''Wernstrom''': Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon. :''[Wernstrom leaves with his fish]'' :'''Farnsworth''': Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe! :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': Ooh, name it after me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Planet Express crew has watched an online movie about the solution to the garbage problem in New York.]'' :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Actually, that's still true. :''[In the movie.]'' :'''Female Scientist''': Now that the garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions? :'''Male Scientist''': With gusto. ''[The two scientists begin disrobing.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry, Leela, and Bender are on the big garbage ball. Leela places the bomb in the ground.]'' :'''[[w:Leela (Futurama)|Leela]]''': Get ready to run. We got 25 minutes. :''[Leela presses the button on the bomb. The timer beeps and the number changes]'' :'''Leela''': Uh, 15 minutes. ''[The timer beeps again.]'' 5 minutes. ''[The timer beeps again.]'' "6h" minutes? :''[Bender picks up the bomb and turns it upside down]'': :'''Bender''': There's your problem: the professor put the counter on upside down! :'''Leela''': That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes; it was set for 52 seconds! :'''Fry''': ''[screams]'' AHHHH! We're gonna die!...Right? :'''Bender''': Right. :''[Fry screams again]'' === ''[[w:Hell Is Other Robots|Hell Is Other Robots]]'' === :''[After escaping Robot Hell]'' :'''Bender''': Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me. :'''Leela''': Uh... Do you think you could be a little less evil than that? :'''Bender''': I don't know... Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall? :'''Fry''': ''[Chuckles]'' Good ol' Bender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there? :'''Bender''': ''[Nervous]'' No! Don't come in! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring. :'''Zoidberg''': In fact, that's why we loved you. :'''Leela''': But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us. :'''Fry''': And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom's VCR, and then, later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robot Devil''': We know all your sins, Bender! And for each one we've prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment! Gentlemen... :''[A robot-demon band plays up-tempo music]'' :'''Bender''': Ah, crap. Singing... Mind if I smoke? :'''Robot Devil''': ''[Singing]'' Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em, :We'll find ways to simulate that smell. :What a sorry fella, rolled up and smoked like a panatela, :Here on Level One of Robot Hell. :Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, so is forging phony IOU's :Let's let Lady Luck decide what type of torture's justified, :I'm pit boss here on Level Two. : Ooo, deep-fried robot! :'''Bender''': Just tell me why... :'''Robot Devil''': Please read this 55-page warrant. :'''Bender''': There must be robots worse than I... :'''Robot Devil''': We've checked around; there really aren't! :'''Bender''': Then please let me explain, :My crimes were merely boyish pranks... :'''Robot Devil''': You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks! :'''Bender''': Ah, don't blame me; blame my upbringing! ''[Tries to take the Robot Devil's wallet]'' :'''Robot Devil''': Please stop sinning while I'm singing! :Selling bootleg tapes is wrong, :Musicians need that income to survive :'''Beastie Boys''': Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise, :With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys! :''[Ad-Rock plays on Bender's hardrive with his tongue]'' :That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on Level Five! :''[Cut to Fry and Leela on the slide]'' :'''Fry''':I don't feel well... :'''Leela''':It's up to us to rescue him. :'''Fry''': Maybe he likes it here in Hell... :'''Leela''': It's us who tempted him to sin. :'''Fry''': Maybe he's back at the motel... :'''Leela''': Come on, Fry, don't be scared, :I'm sure at least one of us will be spared, :So just sit back and enjoy the ride. :'''Fry''': My ass has blisters from the slide! :'''Robot Devil''': Fencing diamonds, :Fixing cockfights, publishing indecent magazines, :You'll pay for every crime, knee-deep in electric slime, :You'll suffer till the end of time, :Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme, :Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Bender, are you alright? :'''Bender''': No! Oh, they tortured me with up-tempo singing and dancing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After delivering the subpoenas]'' :'''Fry''': I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he's gay. :'''Leela''': Did he use his tongue? :'''Fry''': A little. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at a Beastie Boys concert]'' :'''Leela''': They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate. :'''Bender''': I believe that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. ''[points at Zoidberg]'' Probably you! :'''Zoidberg''': Me? :''[Later]'' :'''Hermes''': And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt water cooler. :'''Zoidberg''': This is a witch hunt! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic, one-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one... ''[later]'' ... zero-one-zero-one-one-zero-zero-one... two. Amen. === ''[[w:A Flight to Remember|A Flight to Remember]]'' === :'''Kif''': Sir, can I speak with you? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': No! :'''Kif''': But, sir, it's an emergency. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Come back when it's a catastrophe. :''[The ship shakes and rumbles]'' :'''Zapp Brannigan''': ''[stands up]'' Oh, very well. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': That was the worst delivery ''ever''. :'''Fry''': Yeah, I'm never going to another planet called Cannibalon. :'''Bender''': Me neither! Food was good, though. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Kif, I'm feeling the "Captain's itch". :'''Kif''': I'll get the powder, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Bender Bending Rodriguez|Bender]]''': You all go without me! I'm gonna take one last look around, you know, for, uh, stuff to steal! :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': You're going back for the Countess, aren't you? :'''Bender''': All right, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man. :'''Fry''': I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger. :'''Bender''': ''[hugging Fry]'' I love you, buddy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Countess de LaRoca''': Bender, you risked your life to save me! :'''Bender''': And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kif''': Sir, remember your course correction? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': No. :'''Kif''': Well, it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we had initially hoped. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned. You gotta' give me a do-over. :'''Craps dealer''': Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': But as a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Thank God there's plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children. :''[The camera pulls back to reveal Farnsworth dressed in a kid's sailor outfit and holding a lollipop]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan. :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': You know Zapp Brannigan? :'''Leela''': Let's just say we've crossed paths. :'''Bender''': Was that before or after you slept with him? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship. :'''Kif''': That's surprisingly noble of you, sir. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': You're not jealous, are you? :'''Leela''': ''No!'' :'''Fry''': Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Oh. Look, I'm not actually interested in [[w:Amy Wong|her]], if that's what's bothering you. :'''Leela''': Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes...? :'''Fry''': I know. We seem like a perfect match. But, I just don't feel that way about her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Well, accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here :'''Fry''': Yeah, it's pretty romantic- I mean, platonic, that sure is one platonic view. :'''Leela''': Fry, just be quiet, I'm starting to think this whole fake fiance thing was a terrible, terrible ''[gasps]'' :''[Leela surprises Fry with a big kiss in front of Zapp. After Zapp leaves, Leela breaks the kiss]'' :'''Leela''': Uh, look... Before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp. :'''Fry''': Well, you got anything else for him? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kif''': This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair. ''[Draws a meandering line on the chart]'' :'''Kif''': But that leads us straight through a swarm of comets. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky. === ''[[w:Mars University|Mars University]]'' === :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! We've got a very special delivery today. :'''Fry''': Who's it going to? :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Me. :'''Bender''': ''[dusting off hands]'' Another job well done! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today. :'''Fry''': You mean peer pressure? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Well, in those days, Mars just was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah. But UNLIKE Utah, it was eventually made livable, when the university was founded in 2636. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While searching the jungle for Guenter]'' :'''Fry''': Wow, the jungles on Mars look exactly like the jungles on Earth! :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Jungles on Earth? ''[Laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in Futurama#Guenter|Guenter]]''': All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit... that's why I'm transferring to business school! :'''Professor Farnsworth''': NOOOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': ''[upon discovering that the robots in his fraternity, Robot House, are all nerds]'' Uh oh! NERDS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dean Vernon''': You robots are a disgrace to this university! Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, Robot House! Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House! Whenever a human corpse is desecrated... :'''Bender''': Now I can explain that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dean Vernon''': ''[repeated line]'' Robot House!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': So you're saying that he just ran off in the middle of the exam? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': You went to college? :'''Bender''': Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending. :'''Fry''': What was your minor? :'''Bender''': Robo-American Studies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Uh-oh! NERDS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': ''[upon meeting Guenter]'' My roommate's a MONKEY? :'''Guenter''': ''[dryly]'' Brilliant deduction. You're a credit to your species. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': You want a banana? :'''Guenter''': I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavored energy bars made from tofu. :'''Fry''': ''[narrows his eyes]'' I don't like you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize. :'''Leela''': In what field? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': I don't care; they all pay the same. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it. :'''Fry''':''[writing]'' Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there! :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor. === ''[[w:When Aliens Attack|When Aliens Attack]]'' === :'''[[w:Zapp Brannigan|Zapp Brannigan]]''': The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep. :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': You mean while I'm sleeping in it? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beach Bully''': Huh, err, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks. :'''Fry''': 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': The alien mother-ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bulls-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': ''[having just seen another massive spaceship appear]'' What the hell is that thing?! :'''Kif Kroker''': It appears to be the mother ship. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Then what did we just blow up? :''[Kif checks the star chart]'' :'''Kif Kroker''': The [[w:Hubble Space Telescope|Hubble Telescope]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The real alien mothership appears and it starts easily destroying the ships]'' :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Stop exploding, you cowards! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': When I'm in command, ''every'' mission is a suicide mission. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry and Bender recline with open beverages in the employee break room. Hermes walks in reading a stack of papers.]'' :'''Hermes''': What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boatbag! :''[He rolls up the papers and hits Bender with them.]'' :'''Bender''': Ow! ''[Fry chuckles. Hermes hits Fry next.]'' :'''Fry''': Oof! Hey, quit it, Hermes! It's Labor Day. :'''Hermes''': Labor Day?! That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters? :'''Fry''': That's the one. :'''Hermes''': Hot damn, a day off! :''[Hermes removes his jacket and dress shirt and sits between Fry and Bender, accepting a beer.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Our mission is clear: Destroy all alien lifeforms. :'''Kif Kroker''': Um...not me, sir. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny-- :'''Leela''': Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays. :'''Amy''': Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt. :'''Leela''': Gimme the script. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lrrr''': Surely you know McNeal! She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world! :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent. :'''Lrrr''': '''''SILENCE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lrrr''': We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day, ''FOR FIVE DAYS,'' unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow - 8 Central! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amy''': There. How do I look? :'''Farnsworth''': Like a cheap French harlot. :'''Amy''': French?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em. :'''Amy''': There aren't any copies left. :'''Farnsworth''': No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lrrr''': Attention, McNeil. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+. Okay, not great. As a result, we will ''not'' destroy your planet. But ''neither'' will we provide you with our recipe for immortality! :'''Fry''': Way to overact, Zoidberg! === ''[[w:Fry and the Slurm Factory|Fry and the Slurm Factory]]'' === :''[Bender feels sick]'' :'''Amy Wong''': You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc. :'''Bender''': I'm 40% zinc! :'''Amy Wong''': Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bender sees the insides of a transsexual female robot]'' :'''Bender''': ''[gasps]'' That's no lady! :'''Trans-bot''': Damn, Chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, stupid? :'''Bender''': Hey, bite my shiny metal ass! :'''Trans-bot''': You couldn't afford it, honey! ''[snaps fingers and struts away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slurm Queen''': As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself! :'''Small Glurmo #1''': But Your Highness, she's a commoner! Her Slurm will taste foul! :'''Slurm Queen''': Yes! Which is why we'll market it as [[w:New Coke|New Slurm]]. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': What should we try it on first? :'''Fry''': Try it on me ''[Bender points the F-Ray at Fry's body]'' Ow, my sperm! :'''Bender''': I'll try it again ''[He does so]'' :'''Fry''': Huh. Didn't hurt that time <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Who are those horrible orange creatures over there? :'''Glurmo''': Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Tell them I hate them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glurmo''': There will be no further questions! :'''Fry''': ''[Raises his hand]'' Why? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glurmo''': You'll have all the Slurm you can drink when you're partying with Slurms McKenzie! :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': When will that be? :'''Glurmo''': Soon enough. :'''Fry''': That's not soon enough! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grunka-Lunka song''': :'''Grunka-Lunkas''': Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Doo! :We've got a friendly warning for you! :Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Dasis! :The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis! :Asking questions in school is a great way to learn; :If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke! :We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm; :It could easily happen again to you, folks! :So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut! :Grunka-Lunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Dut! :'''Glurmo''': Hey, I don't pay you to sing! You just used up today's bathroom break! :'''Grunka-Lunka''': Hardass. :'''Glurmo''': I heard that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Hey, what's behind that door? :'''Glurmo''': Nothing. :'''Leela''': Is it the secret ingredient? :'''Grunka-Lunkas''': ''[singing]'' Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Dingredient! :You should not ask about the secret ingredient! :'''Bender''': ''[angrily]'' Okay, okay, we get the point! :'''Leela''': I was just curious because of the armed guards. :'''Grunka-Lunkas''': ''[singing]'' Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Darmed-Guards... :'''Bender''': '''''SHUT THE HELL UP!!!''''' ==External links== [[Category:Futurama seasons]] [[Category:American animated television seasons]] 818t16tv86myw61nvxh0g5boaudeif2 3955188 3955187 2026-06-22T03:19:19Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* Space Pilot 3000 */ 3955188 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Futurama/Season 1|1]] [[Futurama/Season 2|2]] [[Futurama/Season 3|3]] [[Futurama/Season 4|4]] [[Futurama/Season 5|5]] [[Futurama/Season 6|6]] [[Futurama/Season 7|7]] [[Futurama/Season 8|8]] | [[Futurama|Main]] ---- '''''[[wikipedia:Futurama|Futurama]]''''' is an American animated sitcom created by [[Matt Groening]] and David X. Cohen. Set in the year 3000, a 20th century human who was frozen in the year 1999 awakes to find himself in the future, where he finds new friends who are coworkers at the Planet Express delivery company. ===''[[w:Space Pilot 3000|Space Pilot 3000]]''=== :''[The caption "December 31th, 1999" comes up and a crude spaceship flies through space, cruising over and under planets]'' :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': ''[voice-over]'' Space. It seems to go on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwin' barrels at you. ''[A planet opens up and a huge gorilla starts throwing barrels at the spaceship. It dodges a few but one hits it and it explodes. The gorilla thumps its chest and "Game Over" flashes on the screen. The spaceship and gorilla isn't real and Fry is playing an arcade game called "Monkey Fracas Jr". He wears a red jacket and has orange hair with two distinct forks at the front. A boy stands next to him. The game is against the wall of a pizzeria called Panucci's Pizza]'' And that's how you play the game! :'''Boy''': You stink, loser! :''[Panucci, a middle-aged balding man wearing a vest, leans over the counter with a pizza box]'' :'''Mr. Panucci''': Hey, Fry. Pizza going out! COME ON!!! :''[Fry sighs, takes the pizza from him and walks out. In New York City Street, Fry cycles past people outside O'Grady's Pub enjoying their New Millennium Eve. A cab pulls up and he sees his girlfriend inside]'' :'''Fry''': Michelle, baby! Where you going? :'''[[w:Michelle|Michelle]]''': It's not working out, Fry. ''[Next to her is a guy with his arm around her. The cab pulls away, shouting, from cab]'' I put your stuff out on the sidewalk! :''[Time Lapse, Fry is still on his bike getting more and more depressed]'' :'''Fry''': I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life. :''[In Outside Applied Cryogenics, he steps outside a building and locks up his bike. A man sneaks up behind him, cuts the chain and steals the bike]'' :'''Bike Thief''': Happy new year! :''[In Applied Cryogenics Corridor, Fry steps out of the elevator of the 64th floor. He knocks on a door marked "Applied Cryogenics". A sign underneath indicates "No Power Failures Since 199[7]". There is no response at the door and Fry goes in. In Freezer Room, the room is empty and there are no lights on. Strange pods about 6ft tall line one of the walls. There are a few other machines around the room and a desk and a chair in the middle of the room. Fry wipes some condensation from a window on one of the pods, revealing the face of an inanimate man inside. He turns around]'' :'''Fry''': Hello? Pizza delivery for uh... ''[he reads the note]'' I.C. Wiener? Aww crud. I always thought at this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls. ''[He sits down on the chair, puts his feet on the desk and opens a can of beer]'' Here's to another lousy millennium. :''[He unenthusiastically raises his hand and toasts.]'' :'''Crowd''': ''[Crowds have gathered for the countdown from Times Square, "10" appears on a huge screen]'' Ten! ''[On the Eiffel Tower displays "9"]'' Neuf! ''[On the Vatican City, the Pope holds up a sign it reads "VIII" on it]'' Otto! ''[Egyptians crowd around the pyramids in Egypt]'' Saba! ''[People are gathered around the Parthenon in Athens]'' Eksi! ''[On the Great Wall of China, he chants]'' Wu! ''[On the Taj Mahal, he chants]'' Char! ''[On the African Village, he chants and jumps]'' Thathu! ''[On the Tokyo, a screen displays "2"]'' Nee! ''[In space the whole planet sees in the new millennium, he all chants]'' One! :''[Fry unenthusiastically blows a noise maker and starts losing his balance on the chair. It tips back. Fry waves his arms around trying to regain his balance. As he falls he see the Nibbler’s shadow of a small creature under the desk. The chair tips back and Fry falls off it and rolls backwards into cryogenic freezer number 40. The dial on the machine automatically sets itself for 1000 years]'' :'''Fry''': What the—? ''[He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time]'' :''[Days and night and eventually years pass à la The Time Machine as he stays locked in the freezer. Civilization is destroyed by aliens twice until eventually huge buildings spring up around Applied Cryogenics. The timer stops 1000 years later and the door opens. Fry is unfrozen. Initially disoriented, he stumbled and he stretch his arms. He looks around and noticed something to his right. He presses his face against a large window and stares in awe. Fry's first glimpse of the future]'' :'''Fry''': My God, it's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again. ''[Pause.]'' YAHOO!!! :''[Opening Credits, he reads In Color. A TV opening cartoon called "Little Buck Cheeser" by MGM (1937). The tv off he reads "Created By Matt Groening" and "Developed By Matt Groening David X. Cohen" and the ship breaks TV. After opening credit, Fry continues looking out of the window in Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. The door opens and two shadows walk in]'' :'''Terry''': ''[melodramatically]'' Welcome to the world of tomorrow! :''[The other shadow turns on the light. They are lab technicians both wearing white lab coats. The dramatic one, Terry, is a blonde Caucasian with large glasses. The other, Lou, is a black-haired Asian]'' :'''Lou''': Why do you always have to say it that way? :'''Terry''': Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship? ''[He turns to Fry. Dramatically]'' Come, your destiny awaits! :''[At Applied Cryogenics Corridor, the technicians leave Fry outside the Fate Assignment Officer's office]'' :'''Lou''': Have a nice future. :''[The door slides open]'' :'''Fry''': Cool! Just like in Star Trek! ''[The door closes on his head]'' Ow! :''[A woman wearing a black uniform stands with her back to Fry looking at a clipboard. She has purple hair held up in a ponytail]'' :'''[[w:Leela (Futurama)|Leela]]''': Good afternoon, sir. ''[Fry is impressed with what he sees. Leela turns around. She has one huge eye in the middle of her face. Fry gasps]'' Name? :'''Fry''': Uh, Fry. :'''Leela''': I'm Leela. Now, it's New Year's Eve, so I'd like to decide your fate quickly and get out of here. :'''Fry''': Can I ask you a question? :'''Leela''': As long as it's not about my eye. :'''Fry''': Uh… :'''Leela''': Is it about my eye? :'''Fry''': Sort of. :'''Leela''': ''[sighs]'' Just ask the question. :'''Fry''': What's with the eye? :'''Leela''': I'm an alien, alright? Let's drop the subject. :'''Fry''': Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the planet? :'''Leela''': No, I just work here. :''[Fry looks out the window. A passing blimp displays "Happy New Year 3000". Leela follows his gaze]'' :'''Fry''': Wait a minute. Is that blimp accurate? :'''Leela''': Yep. It's December 31st, 2999. :'''Fry''': My God! A million years! :'''Leela''': I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you. :'''Fry''': Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me. :'''Leela''': Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator. ''[Fry lies on a metal table in Probulator Room, surrounded by probing equipment. Leela puts a single-lensed goggle on and presses a button. Fry squeaks]'' Interesting. Your DNA test shows one living relative. He's your great-great-great-great-great-great-great… ''[Fry is now fully dressed]'' …great-great-great-great-great nephew. :'''Fry''': That's great! What's the little guy’s name? :'''Leela''': Professor Hubert Farnsworth. :''[She turns the page over to show Fry the photo. Farnsworth is an old bald man who wears thick glasses]'' :'''Fry''': Eurgh! ''[Leela types something on a computer in Fate Assignment Officer’s Office]'' Y'know, I'm the luckiest guy in the whole future. I've been given a second chance and this time I'm not going to be a total loser. ''[Buzzer buzzes]'' What's that? :'''Leela''': Your permanent career assignment. :''[She turns the screen around to show him his career. "Career: Delivery Boy" is displayed on the screen]'' :'''Fry''': Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please! Anything else! ''[He grabs Leela’s hand]'' :'''Leela''': Take your hands off me! You've been assigned the job you're best at just like everyone else. :'''Fry''': What if I refuse? :'''Leela''': Then you'll be fired… :'''Fry''': Fine! :'''Leela''': Out of a cannon into the sun! :'''Fry''': But I don't like being a delivery boy. :'''Leela''': Well, that's tough! Lots of people don't like their jobs but we do them anyway. ''[She points at a poster of a man wearing a hardhat with the caption “You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do”]'' You gotta do what you gotta do. Now hold out your hand. I'm gonna implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy. :''[She picks up an implant gun. It has two huge spikes on the end]'' :'''Fry''': Keep that thing away from me! :''[He gets up and runs out of the room. He runs from the office in Applied Cryogenics Corridor. Leela runs in Freezer Room, after Fry and he dodged the implant gun] :'''Leela''': Hold still, dammit. I don't have good depth perception! ''[She jumps at Fry, missed it, and falls into a cryogenic freezer, it sets itself for 1000 years]'' You've got until the count of five to let me out of here. One… ''[In a flash, she is frozen]'' :'''Fry''': See you in a thousand years! ''[He start to walk out but hesitates. He walks back and changed the freeze time to five minutes]'' You own me one. ''[Back in New New York City Street, Fry runs out of the building and looks in awe at the sights around him]'' Whoa! :''[Spaceships take off, there are traffic jams in the sky and billboards advertising Bachelor Chow. A couple walk past him nearly naked except for some strategically-placed black bars. He looks up and sees people flying though a green tube overhead. He walks around a corner and finds and entrance to the tube. A pedestrian steps in]'' :'''Man #1''': Radio City Mutant Hall. [The man is sucked up into the tube]'' :'''Fry''': Cool! ''[He steps into the tube]'' Um… Cross Town Express? :''[The tube sucks him up and he screams as he files through it. People look up from the street and stare at him. He is taken across the city, past the Statue of Liberty, underwater and sees Blinky from The Simpsons and finally out the other end smack into the building. A man looks up from his newspaper]'' :'''Man #2''': Pfft! Tourist! :''[A hover-car files over a line of traffic on the road and a police car chases it. Fry walks around a corner and sees a line of people outside a small grey booth]'' :'''Fry''': Hey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew. ''[An impatient robot joins the queue behind him. It is more or less human-shaped, grey, with an antenna on top of its head]'' Whoa… a real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama character)|Bender]]''': Bite my shiny metal ass. ''[Fry looks around at the robot's ass]'' :'''Fry''': It doesn't look so shiny to me. :'''Bender''': Shinier than yours, meatbag. :''[Fry steps into the booth, overlooking the sign on the side that says “Suicide Booth”. Fry whistles and press a button and nothing happens. The robot steps into behind him]'' :'''Bender''': Listen, buddy. I'm in a hurry here. Let's try for a two-fer. :''[He puts a coin on a string in the slot then pulls it out again and chuckles. A pleasant woman's voice speaks]'' :'''Suicide Booth Voice''': Please select mode of death: "Quick and Painless" or "Slow and Horrible". :'''Fry''': Yeah, I’d like to place a collect call. :'''Booth Voice''': You have selected: "Quick and Painless". :'''Bender''': Great choice! ''[Knives, tasers and Jacob's Ladders come out from behind a hatch]'' Bring it on, baby! :''[Fry screams. Meanwhile, the robot is getting impatient]'' :'''Bender''': Come on, come on! Kill me already! By the way, my name's Bender! ''[He holds out his hand]'' :'''Fry''': Help! What's happening? :''[The sharp objects move forward. Fry pushes Bender to the side of the booth. The sharp things stab and twist at the air and finally return to behind the hatch]'' :'''Booth Voice''': You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide booth since 2008. :''[Back in New New York City Street, Fry runs out, gasping]'' :'''Bender''': Lousy, stinking rip-off! ''[He kicks the booth]'' Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk! :''[The timer on Leela's chamber runs out in Applied Cryogenics. The door opens and she is unfrozen]'' :'''Leela''': Two, three— Hey! :'''Terry''': ''[melodramatically]'' Welcome to the world of tomorrow! :'''Leela''': Shut up, Terry. :''[In Ipgee's Office, Leela's boss sits behind a large desk and she stands in front of it]'' :'''Ipgee''': This is unacceptable, Leela. You must find this Mr. Fry and install his chip. :'''Leela''': Look, he's just a nobody who doesn't want to be a delivery boy. I'd really rather not force it on him. :'''Ipgee''': Well, that's your job, whether you like it or not. And it's my job to make you do your job whether I like it or not, which I do, very much! Now get to work! ''[Leela leaves. He puts his feet up on the desk]'' Life is good! :''[At O'Zorgnax's Pub, Fry and Bender sit at the bar. Bender drinks a bottle of Olde Fortean malt liquor]'' :'''Fry''': Why would a robot need to drink? :'''Bender''': I don't ''need'' to drink. I can quit anytime I want! ''[He belches fire]'' So they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job. :'''Fry''': Really? What do you do, Bender? :'''Bender''': I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do. :'''Fry''': You any good at it? :'''Bender''': You kidding? I was a star! I could bend a girder to any angle: 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it. ''[unsure]'' 31. ''[normal]'' But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for. :'''Fry''': What? :'''Bender''': Suicide booths! ''[He finishes his drink and swallows the bottle]'' Well, Fry, it was a pleasure meeting you. I’m gonna go kill myself. ''[He gets up]'' :'''Fry''': Wait! You're the only friend I have! :'''Bender''': You really want a robot for a friend? :'''Fry''': Yeah, ever since I was six. :'''Bender''': Well, okay. But I don't want people thinking we're robo-sexuals. So, if anyone asks, you're my debugger. :''[Fry looks out the window and sees Leela]'' :'''Fry''': Oh, no! It's the Cyclops! ''[He crouches down behind Bender]'' Don't look! Don't look! :'''Bender''': I'm not looking! :''[His eyes zoom in to Leela. At outside of O'Zorgnax's Pub, Leela shows Fry's photo to a man. The man points to him inside the pub. Fry and Bender run off. Leela talks into her wrist communicator]'' :'''Leela''': This is Officer 1-B D-I requesting backup. :''[The camera pulls back to reveal two police officers named Smitty the human and Officer URL the robot standing right next to her Leela. Smitty replies in his wrist communicator]'' :'''Officer Smitty''': We'll be there in 5 minutes. :''[In Outside the Head Museum, Bender stops Fry outside the building]'' :'''Bender''': We can hide in here. It's free on Tuesdays! :''[He runs up the steps dragging Fry behind him. In Head Museum, hundred of heads in jars are stacked on shelves. Leonard Nimoy's head in a jar is on a platform in the middle of one of the rooms]'' :'''[[Leonard Nimoy]]''': Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard Nimoy. :'''Fry''': Spock? Hey! Hey! Do the thing! :''[He does the Vulcan salute from Star Trek. Nimoy chuckles]'' :'''Leonard Nimoy''': I don't do that anymore. :'''Fry''': This is unbelievable! What do you heads do all day? :'''Leonard Nimoy''': We share our wisdom with those who seek it. It’s a life of quiet dignity. :'''Feeder Woman''': ''[He enters]'' Feeding time! :''[She shakes a box of what looks like fish food over the jar. Nimoy eats what comes out. The door opens and Fry turns around. Enter Leela, Smitty and URL]'' :'''Leela''': Hmm. ''[She looks around and sees Fry and Bender hiding behind a self in amongst other assorted heads]'' I'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install your career chip. :'''Fry''': Yeah, well, if you're sorry why are you doing it? :'''Leela''': It's my job! You gotta do what you gotta do! ''[Fry backs away and hits a shelf with the heads of US presidents on it]'' Watch it! :''[Richard Nixon's head falls off. The jar smashed]'' :'''[[Richard Nixon]]''': That's it! You just made my list! :''[He jumps up and starts bitting Fry's arm]'' :'''Fry''': Ow, ow, ow, ow! Stop it! Down boy! Bad president! :''[Bender tries to pull Nixon's head off]'' :'''Smitty''': Alright, buddy, step away from the head! :''[Fry and Bender put their hands up, and Fry looks at Nixon's bitting his Fry's arm again]'' :'''URL''': I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass! :''[They turn on their lightsabers and start to hit Fry]'' :'''Leela''': Please, officers, there's no need to use force. :'''URL''': Let us handle this, weird-y. :''[He hits Bender]'' :'''Leela''': Oh, come on, he's just a poor kid from the Stupid Ages. :'''Smitty''': Keep your big nose out of this, ''eyeball''! :'''Leela''': No one makes fun of my nose. :''[She kicks Smitty and URL. Fry and Bender run off and hide in a room]'' :'''URL''': Damn! :'''Leela''': You guys were totally out of control. :'''Smitty''': That's our job. We're peace officers. :'''URL''': Yeah, you know the law: You gotta do what you gotta do. :''[Leela considers this. In Head Museum: Hall of Criminals, Bender locks the door]'' :'''Bender''': Oh, we're trapped! :''[Fry looks to the end of the room. There is a window with bars across it]'' :'''Fry''': Wait a second. You're a bender, right? We can get out of here if you just bend the bars. :'''Bender''': Dream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a de-bender? :'''Fry''': Who cares what you're programmed for. If someone programmed you to jump off a bridge would you do it? :'''Bender''': I'll have to check my program… yep. :'''Leela''': ''[From outside]'' Open up! :'''Fry''': Come on, Bender! It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals... and animal robots. :'''Bender''': You're full of crap, Fry! ''[He turns and a dangling wire catches on his antenna and electrocuted him]'' You make a persuasive argument, Fry. ''[He starts to bend the bars]'' :'''Fry''': Come on, Bender! You can do it! :'''Bender''': Can't… I… can't… do… it…! :''[The bars bend and break off completely]'' :'''Fry''': Yes! :'''Bender''': You were right, Fry! From now on I'm going to bend what I want, when I want, who I want! I'm unstoppable! :''[His arms fall off but he manages to somehow reattach them without any help]'' :'''Fry''': I don't know how you did that. :''[Leela kicks the door open. Fry and Bender dive out through the window. In Outside Head Museum, Fry runs off and Bender bends the bars back so Leela can't climb through. He runs after Fry and Leela reaches out through the bars]'' :'''Leela''': Wait! :'''Bender''': ''[shouting]'': No, thanks! :''[In Alley, Fry and Bender stop at a dead end. There is a drain below them with a grate over the top]'' :'''Bender''': Looks like one of us will have to bend this grate. :''[He flexes his fingers but Fry just lifts it. Bender groans and they climb down the ladder. He reaches back up to the grate and bends it just for the hell of it. He chuckles and follows Fry. In Ruins of Old New York, Fry and Bender step off the ladder and look over the vast ruins of the city that looks like the city from Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. Collapsed buildings and rubble litter the streets and holes in the roof left in a few shafts of light]'' :'''Fry''': Good Lord! What is this? :'''Bender''': It's the decaying ruins of Old New York. Welcome home, pal! :''[Time Lapse, Fry and Bender walk down a ruined street]'' :'''Fry''': It's my old neighbourhood. Man, this brings back a lot of memories. :'''Bender''': Keep 'em to yourself, pops! :''[In Ruins of Rockefeller Center Skating Rink, Fry learns over a wall]'' :'''Fry''': This is where I brought my girlfriend on our very first date. ''[Flashback, Fry skates with Michelle on the crowded ice. Flashback ends, The ice is gone, replaced with murky green waters inhabited by a green tentacles creature]'' My God! She's gone! Everyone I ever knew or cared about is gone. :'''Bender''': Wait! There's someone you know! :''[He points at Leela, standing with her implant gun]'' :'''Fry''': Oh. Can't you leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already. :'''Leela''': I know it's not much consolation, but I know how you feel. :'''Fry''': No you don't. I've got no home, no family. :'''Bender''': No friends. :'''Fry''': My whole world is gone. You can't possibly understand what it feels like to be so alone. :'''Leela''': I understand. I'm the only one-eyed alien on this whole planet. My parents abandoned me here as a baby and I don't even know what galaxy they were from. I know how it feels to be alone. :'''Fry''': Look, Leela, I don't understand this world but you obviously do, so I give up. If you think I should be a delivery boy, I'll do it. ''[He holds out his hand to Leela. She gets the implant gun ready. Fry cringes and looks away. The gun clicks but Fry feels nothing. He opens his eyes and sees Leela drop her own chip on the floor]'' Your chip. What are you doing? :'''Leela''': Quitting. :'''Fry''': Why? :'''Leela''': Because I've always wanted to. I just never realised it before I met you. :''[She puts her hand on his and smiles. Bender puts his hand on top]'' :'''Fry''': What is the matter with you? :''[Bender quickly takes his hand off]'' :'''Bender''': I just wanted to be part of the moment. :'''Leela''': Hey! He stole my ring! :'''Bender''': Sorry. ''[He hands Leela's ring back]'' Well, that solves the mystery of the missing ring. This calls for a drink. ''[He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out three bottles of beer… and drinks them all himself]'' :'''Leela''': I don't wanna spoil the party but we're all job deserters now. We’re unemployed and we have nowhere to go. :'''Fry''': Correction: We're unemployed but we have a doddering old relative to mooch off of. :''[He holds up the picture of Farnsworth. At Planet Express headquarters, Lounge, Professor Farnsworth is asleep in his chair, the TV is on]'' :'''[[Dick Clark]]''': ''[on TV]'' Hello, I'm Dick Clark's head. Welcome to a special year 3000 edition of New Year's Rockin' Eve. ''[The doorbell rings and Farnsworth wakes up. In Outside Planet Express, Farnsworth opens the door to Fry, Bender and Leela]'' :'''[[w:Professor Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Who are you? :'''Fry''': I'm your dear old Uncle Fry. :'''Farnsworth''': I don't have an Uncle Fry. :'''Bender''': You do now! :''[He pushes Farnsworth back inside. In Planet Express, Lounge, Farnsworth and Fry are hooked up to a machine. It dings and a red light flashes]'' :'''Farnsworth''': By God, I ''am'' your nephew! This is absolutely incredible! :'''Bender''': Can we have some money? :'''Farnsworth''': Oh, my, no. ''[In Planet Express, Farnsworth's Lab, the four walk in]'' Let me show you around. That's my lab table and this is my work-stool. And over there is my intergalactic spaceship! ''[He points in the general direction of a big green spaceship in a huge hanger next to the lab]'' And here's where I keep assorted lengths of wire. :''[He opens a drawer but Fry is more interested in what's in the hangar]'' :'''Fry''': Whoa! A real live spaceship! :'''Farnsworth''': I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used. :'''Smitty''': ''[from outside]'' Attention, job deserters! Come out with your hands up. We have you partially surrounded. :''[Leela gasps]'' :'''Fry''': No! :''[Bender literally shits a brick. In Outside Planet Express, Smitty holds Nixon's head in a jar, he was back to normal. The glass is cracked and taped in places]'' :'''Richard Nixon''': Get those burns! :''[In Planet Express, Farnsworth's Lab]'' :'''Bender''': Well, we're boned! :'''Leela''': Can't we get away in the ship? :'''Farnsworth''': I suppose it is technically possible. Though I am already in my pyjamas. :''[They run towards the ship with Bender carrying Farnsworth under his arm. In Ships Cockpit, Fry runs in and sit in a seat in front of a control panel]'' :'''Fry''': I'll get us out of here. :''[He presses a few buttons and pulls a lever. A little hatch opens in the control panel, a paper cup come down and the machine fills it with coffee]'' :'''Farnsworth''': Can anyone drive stick? :'''Leela''': I can. As long as I don't have to parallel park. :''[She takes off her coat, sits in the pilot's seat and pushes down a lever. In Planet Express, Hangar, klaxons beep and a huge piece of machinery lifts the ship to a 45-degree angle. The entire hangar roof retracts so it is open for the ship. In Outside Planet Express, peace officers armed with laser rifles are stationed outside. URL sees the roof open]'' :'''URL''': If they try to take off, give 'em an ass-ful of laser. :''[Smitty nods. In Ships Cockpit]'' :'''Leela''': Prepare for lift-off. Ten. :'''Crowd''': ''[In Times Square, he chanting]'' Nine! ''[In Egypt, the future pyramids now rotate in mid-air, chanting]'' Amania! ''[In Paris, he chanting]'' Seven! :''[In Alien Ship, he chanting in alien he reads 6]'' :'''Terry''': ''[In Applied Cryogenics, Freezer Room, Lou sits in an open pod and he raises a glass, dramatically]'' Five! :'''Leonard Nimoy''': ''[In Head Museum, He is wearing a party hat]'' Four. :'''Farnsworth''': ''[In Ships Cockpit, Fry, Bender and he are sat on a couch at the front of the cockpit]'' Three. :'''Bender''': Two! ''[He is so tense that he rips the arms off the couch]'' :'''Leela''': One! :'''Fry''': Blast-off! :''[In Outside Planet Express, the ship takes off. In Times Square, people cheer in the new millennium and fireworks explode all over the city. "3000" is projected onto the moon and the ship files between the fireworks]'' :'''Crowd''': Happy New Year!!! :''[In Outside Planet Express]'' :'''Richard Nixon''': Fire! ''Fire''! :''[The peace officers fire their laser guns randomly into the air]'' :'''Smitty''': I can't see nothing. Pretty though. :''[The altitude of the ship increases and laser bolts narrowly miss it. In Ships Cockpit, the ship clears New New York airspace, flies though the atmosphere and heads through the solar system. Everyone cheers]'' :'''Fry''': So, I guess, without jobs, we'll be fugitives forever. :'''Farnsworth''': Not necessarily. Are you there, by any chance, interested in becoming my new spaceship crew? :'''Bender''': New crew? W-What happened to the old crew? :'''Farnsworth''': Of those poor sons of… But that's not important. The important thing is I need a new crew. Anyone interested? :'''Fry''': Yes! ''Yes''! That's exactly the job I've always wanted! :'''Leela''': Thanks for the offer, Professor, but we don't have the proper carrier chips. :'''Farnsworth''': Oh, that won't be a problem. As luck would have it, I saved the chips from my previous crew. :''[He empties the career chips out of an envelope marked "Contents Of Space Wasp's Stomach"]'' :'''Fry''': This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space, fighting monsters and teaching alien women to lurve? :'''Farnsworth''': If by that you mean transporting cargo, then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research. :'''Fry''': Cool. What's my job gonna be? :'''Farnsworth''': You will be responsible for ensuring that the cargo reaches its destination. :''[The smile fades from Fry's face]'' :'''Fry''': So, I'm gonna be a delivery boy? :'''Farnsworth''': Exactly. :'''Fry''': ''[Beat]'' All right! I'm a delivery boy! :''[The ships flies on and the credits show runner appears he read ''Executive Producers Matt Groening David X. Cohen''. The credits started. The Curiosity Company and 30th Century Fox Television logos appears at the end of the episode. This is a silent from the logos on Hulu and Disney+. In Original airing and DVD version he was sound effects]'' === ''[[w:The Series Has Landed|The Series Has Landed]]'' === :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': Fry, we have a crate to deliver. :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': Too much work. Let's burn it and ''say'' we dumped it in the sewer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Amy Wong|Amy]]''': Leela's gonna kill me. :'''Bender''': No, she'll probably make me do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': I'm going to go build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the park! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine, I'll go build my OWN lunar lander... with blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Craterface''': Hi, I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir. :'''Bender''': Better mascots than you have tried. ''(takes a swig of booze and jams the bottle in Craterface's eye)'' :'''Craterface''': At least I have my self-respect. ''(laughs, then sobs quietly)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Farnsworth watches Fry, Bender and Leela trying to escape from the Moon Farmer on a telescope]'' :'''Farnsworth''': My God! I've got to save them! Although I am already in my pajamas. ''[falls asleep]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Farnsworth and Fry are outside Dr. Zoidberg's office]'' :'''Farnsworth''': Now, Fry, before you go into space, you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you, though, he's a little unusual. ''[whispering]'' He wears sandals. ''[The door opens. Dr. Zoidberg, who is indeed wearing sandals, turns his head. Fry shrieks.]'' Dr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy. He needs a physical. :'''Zoidberg''': Excellent, excellent. ''[He bends over and retrieves a medical tool.]'' :'''Farnsworth''': You'll be fine. ''[he leaves]'' :'''Zoidberg''': Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain. :''[Fry opens his mouth]'' :'''Zoidberg''': No, no, not that mouth. :'''Fry''': I only have one. :'''Zoidberg''': Really? ''[he pulls a reference card from his top pocket, then looks at it]'' :'''Fry''': Uh... is there a human doctor around? :'''Zoidberg''': ''[angrily]'' Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say ''[makes a bizarre gurgling noise]''! :'''Fry''': Uh... ''[clears throat, then very poorly imitates the noise Zoidberg had just made]'' :'''Zoidberg''': ''[even more angrily]'' What?! My mother was a SAINT! GET OUT!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]'' :'''Moon Rover Ride Narrator''': The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream. :'''Animatronic Ralph Kramden''': One of these days, Alice-- Bang, zoom, straight to the moon! :'''Leela''': Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat. :'''Fry''': That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife <hr width="50%"/> :'''Animatronic Whalers''': ''[Singing]'' We're whalers on the moon, :We carry a harpoon. :But there ain't no whales, :So we tell tall-tales, :And sing our whaling tune. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Uh, greetings Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth. :'''Sal''': Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach. :'''Fry''': But, you are lazy right? :'''Sal''': Oh, don't get me started! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Hey, I got you guys refrigerator magnets. ''[puts one on Bender's head]'' :'''Bender''': Get it off! Get it off! GET IT--uh, oh. ''[singing]'' How many roads must a man walk down before you... :''[Fry removes magnet]'' :'''Bender''': Keep those things off me! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit. :'''Fry''': So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer? :'''Bender''': Yep. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to want to be a folk singer... === ''[[w:I, Roommate|I, Roommate]]'' === :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': You know, Fry, out of all the friends I've ever had... you're the first. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In their search for a new apartment, Fry, Bender and Leela check out a "suspiciously fantastic" apartment]'' :'''Fry''': I don't get it. What's the catch? :'''Salesman''': Oh, no catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey. :''[cut to Fry, Bender and Leela at the Planet Express employee lounge]'' :'''Fry''': Not one place even remotely liveable. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': ''[in his sleep]'' Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all humans... :'''[[w:Fry (Futurama)|Fry]]''': Bender, wake up! :'''Bender''': Wh-uh? I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it. :'''Fry''': Where's the bathroom? :'''Bender''': The bath what? :'''Fry''': Bathroom. :'''Bender''': The what room? :'''Fry''': Bathroom! :'''Bender''': The what what? :'''Fry''': Never mind. :''[Bender goes back to sleep.]'' :'''Bender''': Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all humans? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Farnsworth''': ''[Talking on the phone]'' Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. How's his wife holding up? To shreds, You say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters, and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two thirds of a person! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry, Bender and Leela are checking out an apartment based on the "Relativity" print by M.C. Escher] :'''Leela''': Wow, this is fantastic. :'''Fry''': I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': This last week with Fry has been great. Beneath his warm, soft exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calculon''': I've been processing this for quite sometime, Monique, will you marry me? :'''Monique''': Oh, Calculon! Yes! :''[Calculon fits the ring on Monique's finger]'' :'''Monique''': It fits! Then you must know I'm... :'''Calculon''': Metric? I've always known, but for you I'm willing to convert. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Oh, fuff! Fry's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago. :''[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]'' :'''Fry''': Hey, Professor, great jerky! :'''Farnsworth''': My God, this is an outrage! ''I'' was going to eat that mummy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': I hate the people who love me, and they hate me. === ''[[w:Love's Labours Lost in Space|Love's Labors Lost in Space]]'' === :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men? :'''Unseen Man''': You suck! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Zapp Brannigan|Zapp Brannigan]]''': Kif. :'''[[w:Kif Kroker|Kif Kroker]]''': Yes… ugh. Yes, Captain. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': I have made it with a woman. Inform the men. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon! :'''Zapp Brannigan''': And which one rocked your world? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': Look, last night was a mistake. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': A sexy mistake. :'''Leela''': No, just a regular mistake. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? ''[Short pause]'' Kif, I'm asking you a question. :''[Kif groans]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious. :'''Leela''': Birds don't crawl. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': They've been known to! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Go ahead. I won't stop you. :'''Leela''': Threaten all you-- Wait. What? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy... bam! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in? :'''Leela''': I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Well, I have studied abroad...or two! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3. :'''Kif''': Who are you talking to, sir? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Farnsworth''': It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals. :'''Leela''': Animals? :'''Farnsworth''': That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds. :'''Leela''': Wait! What about the animals? :'''Farnsworth''': Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow. :'''Leela''': Yes, but what about the animals? :'''Farnsworth''': The wha? :'''Leela''': The animals. :'''Farnsworth''': I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Have the boy lay out my formal shorts. :'''Kif''': The boy, Sir? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': You. You lay out my formal shorts. === ''[[w:Fear of a Bot Planet|Fear of a Bot Planet]]'' === :'''Robot #1''': Administer the test. :'''Robot #2''': Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweetie, or C: a large properly formatted data file? :'''Robot #1''': Choose! :''[Fry and Leela confer for a bit.]'' :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way? :'''Robot #2''': No, it is the bad kind of puppy. :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': Then we'll go with that data file! :'''Robot #2''': Correct! :'''Robot #1''': The flower would also have been acceptable. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store-bought costumes. :'''Leela''': Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday. :'''Fry''': Really? Which one? :'''Bender''': Only Robanukkah, the holiest two weeks on the robot calendar. :'''Leela''': Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was "Robamadan" and before that "Robanza". :'''Fry''': Man, that one was a blast! :'''Bender''': It wasn't just "a blast". It was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball? :'''Farnsworth''': Baseball? God forbid. :'''Leela''': Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as Mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up. :'''Fry''': Boring? Baseball wasn't bori— ''[He cuts himself off.]'' ... So, they finally jazzed it up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robot Mayor''': Welcome to a very special human hunt! We have with us today a guest whose irrational hatred for humans makes me look like a human sympathizer! :''[The robots in the crowd laugh]'' :'''Robot Mayor''': A newly-arrived refugee from Earth, let's hear it for... Bender! :'''Fry''': It's him! He's OK! :'''Bender''': Death to humans! :''[The robots in the crowd cheer]'' :'''Fry''': Aww... It's good to hear his voice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': We're rescuing ya. :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': I don't want to be rescued. :'''Fry''': Say what? :'''Bender''': I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': ''[Noting score on a sheet of paper.]'' Alright! Miller's on pace to hit 70 blerns! :'''Farnsworth''': He's good alright, but he's no Clem Johnson! And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory! :'''Bender''': ''Clem Johnson!'' That sack of skin wouldn't have lasted ''one pitch'' in the old robot league! Now, Wireless Joe Jackson - there was a blern-hittin' machine! :'''Leela''': ''Exactly''! He was a machine ''designed'' to hit blerns. I mean, ''come on!'' Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels. :'''Bender''': Oh, and I suppose Pitch-o-Mat 5000 was "just a modified howitzer"! :'''Leela''': Yep. === ''[[w:A Fishful of Dollars|A Fishful of Dollars]]'' === :''[Fry is playing a compact disc recording of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back;" Leela turns it off.]'' :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music. :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off the stereo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Voice on TV''': Do you remember when chocolate-chip cookies came fresh out of the oven? Petridge Farm remembers :'''Fry''': Oh, those were the days... :'''Voice on TV''': Do you remember when women weren't allowed to vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things. :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': I'm a thing... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mom''': Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mom''': Toodle-oo! ''[Under her breath.]'' Dumbass... :'''Fry''': What a nice lady. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s. :'''Fry''': Wha? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg. :'''Zoidberg''': I'm not on trial here. :'''Fry''': So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth... :'''Zoidberg''': Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]'' :'''Fry''': Okay, my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted. :'''Amy''': I don't know, I've had cow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid $10, 000 for his skeleton? :'''Fry''': I have an idea for a sitcom. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zoidberg''': That stench. That heavenly stench! ''[Eats all the anchovies]'' More... :'''Fry''': There aren't any more, and there never will be. :'''Zoidberg''': ''[advances menacingly]'' More...''More!'' '''More!''' '''''MORE!!!''''' === ''[[w:My Three Suns|My Three Suns]]'' === :''[Bender is watching a cooking show called ''Essence of Elzar'']'' :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Hey, whatcha watching? :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': Is that a cooking show? :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': ''[turns off the TV]'' No, of course not. It was... uh... porno. Yeah, that's it. :'''Leela''': ''[turns the TV back on]'' Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute. :'''Bender''': Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long. :'''Fry''': It's okay, Bender. I like cooking too. :'''Bender''': ''[sotto voce]'' Pansy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Murg''': The Emperor Bont! He's still alive. :'''Bont''': ''[from inside of Fry's stomach]'' Of course I'm alive. Now cut this creep open and drain me out! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was? :'''Fry''': Uhh...... 80,000 years? :'''Leela''': No, one week! :'''Fry''': Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': It's just like the story of the [[grasshopper]] and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': That was the saltiest thing I ever tasted! And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose. :'''Zoidberg''': Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho. :'''Bender''': I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything! :'''Fry''': Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet. :'''Bender''': Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead. :'''Fry''': These things happen. :'''Bender''': Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha! :'''Fry''': Phew, that's a load off my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills. :'''Organ Salesman''': Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right? :'''Fry''': Can't imagine why I would. :'''Organ Salesman''': Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste. :'''Bender''': Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch. :'''Bender''': You call that a couch? I demand a pillow! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Murg''': This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort. :'''Fry''': Puh, puh, puh... How about that one? :'''Murg''': Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing. :'''Fry''': On second thought, I'll take that one. :'''Murg''': Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! :'''Bender''': Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol. :'''Bender''': Here it comes. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone. :'''Bender''': Thank you and goodnight. :'''Leela''': Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror! === ''[[w:A Big Piece of Garbage|A Big Piece of Garbage]]'' === :'''Fry''': ''[After testing the Smell-o-Scope]'' Just don't make me smell Uranus! ''[Laughs]'' :'''Leela''': I don't get it. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all. :'''Fry''': So what's it called now? :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bart Simpson-doll''': Eat my shorts! :'''Bender''': Okay! ''[Eats the doll's shorts.]'' Mmm, shorts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin. :'''Leela''': Those things are all from the 19th century. :'''Fry''': Yeah, well, they probably just copied us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wernstrom''': And what will you be presenting this evening, professor? :'''Farnsworth''': Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place. :'''Wernstrom''': I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year. :'''Farnsworth''': Uh... last year, you say? :'''Wernstrom''': That's right. :'''Farnsworth''': Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place? :'''Wernstrom''': Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon. :''[Wernstrom leaves with his fish]'' :'''Farnsworth''': Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe! :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': Ooh, name it after me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Planet Express crew has watched an online movie about the solution to the garbage problem in New York.]'' :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Actually, that's still true. :''[In the movie.]'' :'''Female Scientist''': Now that the garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions? :'''Male Scientist''': With gusto. ''[The two scientists begin disrobing.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry, Leela, and Bender are on the big garbage ball. Leela places the bomb in the ground.]'' :'''[[w:Leela (Futurama)|Leela]]''': Get ready to run. We got 25 minutes. :''[Leela presses the button on the bomb. The timer beeps and the number changes]'' :'''Leela''': Uh, 15 minutes. ''[The timer beeps again.]'' 5 minutes. ''[The timer beeps again.]'' "6h" minutes? :''[Bender picks up the bomb and turns it upside down]'': :'''Bender''': There's your problem: the professor put the counter on upside down! :'''Leela''': That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes; it was set for 52 seconds! :'''Fry''': ''[screams]'' AHHHH! We're gonna die!...Right? :'''Bender''': Right. :''[Fry screams again]'' === ''[[w:Hell Is Other Robots|Hell Is Other Robots]]'' === :''[After escaping Robot Hell]'' :'''Bender''': Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me. :'''Leela''': Uh... Do you think you could be a little less evil than that? :'''Bender''': I don't know... Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall? :'''Fry''': ''[Chuckles]'' Good ol' Bender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there? :'''Bender''': ''[Nervous]'' No! Don't come in! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring. :'''Zoidberg''': In fact, that's why we loved you. :'''Leela''': But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us. :'''Fry''': And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom's VCR, and then, later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robot Devil''': We know all your sins, Bender! And for each one we've prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment! Gentlemen... :''[A robot-demon band plays up-tempo music]'' :'''Bender''': Ah, crap. Singing... Mind if I smoke? :'''Robot Devil''': ''[Singing]'' Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em, :We'll find ways to simulate that smell. :What a sorry fella, rolled up and smoked like a panatela, :Here on Level One of Robot Hell. :Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, so is forging phony IOU's :Let's let Lady Luck decide what type of torture's justified, :I'm pit boss here on Level Two. : Ooo, deep-fried robot! :'''Bender''': Just tell me why... :'''Robot Devil''': Please read this 55-page warrant. :'''Bender''': There must be robots worse than I... :'''Robot Devil''': We've checked around; there really aren't! :'''Bender''': Then please let me explain, :My crimes were merely boyish pranks... :'''Robot Devil''': You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks! :'''Bender''': Ah, don't blame me; blame my upbringing! ''[Tries to take the Robot Devil's wallet]'' :'''Robot Devil''': Please stop sinning while I'm singing! :Selling bootleg tapes is wrong, :Musicians need that income to survive :'''Beastie Boys''': Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise, :With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys! :''[Ad-Rock plays on Bender's hardrive with his tongue]'' :That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on Level Five! :''[Cut to Fry and Leela on the slide]'' :'''Fry''':I don't feel well... :'''Leela''':It's up to us to rescue him. :'''Fry''': Maybe he likes it here in Hell... :'''Leela''': It's us who tempted him to sin. :'''Fry''': Maybe he's back at the motel... :'''Leela''': Come on, Fry, don't be scared, :I'm sure at least one of us will be spared, :So just sit back and enjoy the ride. :'''Fry''': My ass has blisters from the slide! :'''Robot Devil''': Fencing diamonds, :Fixing cockfights, publishing indecent magazines, :You'll pay for every crime, knee-deep in electric slime, :You'll suffer till the end of time, :Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme, :Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Bender, are you alright? :'''Bender''': No! Oh, they tortured me with up-tempo singing and dancing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After delivering the subpoenas]'' :'''Fry''': I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he's gay. :'''Leela''': Did he use his tongue? :'''Fry''': A little. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at a Beastie Boys concert]'' :'''Leela''': They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate. :'''Bender''': I believe that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. ''[points at Zoidberg]'' Probably you! :'''Zoidberg''': Me? :''[Later]'' :'''Hermes''': And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt water cooler. :'''Zoidberg''': This is a witch hunt! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic, one-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one... ''[later]'' ... zero-one-zero-one-one-zero-zero-one... two. Amen. === ''[[w:A Flight to Remember|A Flight to Remember]]'' === :'''Kif''': Sir, can I speak with you? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': No! :'''Kif''': But, sir, it's an emergency. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Come back when it's a catastrophe. :''[The ship shakes and rumbles]'' :'''Zapp Brannigan''': ''[stands up]'' Oh, very well. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': That was the worst delivery ''ever''. :'''Fry''': Yeah, I'm never going to another planet called Cannibalon. :'''Bender''': Me neither! Food was good, though. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Kif, I'm feeling the "Captain's itch". :'''Kif''': I'll get the powder, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Bender Bending Rodriguez|Bender]]''': You all go without me! I'm gonna take one last look around, you know, for, uh, stuff to steal! :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': You're going back for the Countess, aren't you? :'''Bender''': All right, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man. :'''Fry''': I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger. :'''Bender''': ''[hugging Fry]'' I love you, buddy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Countess de LaRoca''': Bender, you risked your life to save me! :'''Bender''': And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kif''': Sir, remember your course correction? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': No. :'''Kif''': Well, it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we had initially hoped. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned. You gotta' give me a do-over. :'''Craps dealer''': Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': But as a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Thank God there's plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children. :''[The camera pulls back to reveal Farnsworth dressed in a kid's sailor outfit and holding a lollipop]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan. :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': You know Zapp Brannigan? :'''Leela''': Let's just say we've crossed paths. :'''Bender''': Was that before or after you slept with him? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship. :'''Kif''': That's surprisingly noble of you, sir. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': You're not jealous, are you? :'''Leela''': ''No!'' :'''Fry''': Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Oh. Look, I'm not actually interested in [[w:Amy Wong|her]], if that's what's bothering you. :'''Leela''': Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes...? :'''Fry''': I know. We seem like a perfect match. But, I just don't feel that way about her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Well, accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here :'''Fry''': Yeah, it's pretty romantic- I mean, platonic, that sure is one platonic view. :'''Leela''': Fry, just be quiet, I'm starting to think this whole fake fiance thing was a terrible, terrible ''[gasps]'' :''[Leela surprises Fry with a big kiss in front of Zapp. After Zapp leaves, Leela breaks the kiss]'' :'''Leela''': Uh, look... Before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp. :'''Fry''': Well, you got anything else for him? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kif''': This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair. ''[Draws a meandering line on the chart]'' :'''Kif''': But that leads us straight through a swarm of comets. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky. === ''[[w:Mars University|Mars University]]'' === :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! We've got a very special delivery today. :'''Fry''': Who's it going to? :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Me. :'''Bender''': ''[dusting off hands]'' Another job well done! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today. :'''Fry''': You mean peer pressure? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Well, in those days, Mars just was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah. But UNLIKE Utah, it was eventually made livable, when the university was founded in 2636. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While searching the jungle for Guenter]'' :'''Fry''': Wow, the jungles on Mars look exactly like the jungles on Earth! :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Jungles on Earth? ''[Laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in Futurama#Guenter|Guenter]]''': All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit... that's why I'm transferring to business school! :'''Professor Farnsworth''': NOOOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': ''[upon discovering that the robots in his fraternity, Robot House, are all nerds]'' Uh oh! NERDS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dean Vernon''': You robots are a disgrace to this university! Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, Robot House! Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House! Whenever a human corpse is desecrated... :'''Bender''': Now I can explain that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dean Vernon''': ''[repeated line]'' Robot House!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': So you're saying that he just ran off in the middle of the exam? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': You went to college? :'''Bender''': Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending. :'''Fry''': What was your minor? :'''Bender''': Robo-American Studies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Uh-oh! NERDS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': ''[upon meeting Guenter]'' My roommate's a MONKEY? :'''Guenter''': ''[dryly]'' Brilliant deduction. You're a credit to your species. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': You want a banana? :'''Guenter''': I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavored energy bars made from tofu. :'''Fry''': ''[narrows his eyes]'' I don't like you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize. :'''Leela''': In what field? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': I don't care; they all pay the same. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it. :'''Fry''':''[writing]'' Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there! :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor. === ''[[w:When Aliens Attack|When Aliens Attack]]'' === :'''[[w:Zapp Brannigan|Zapp Brannigan]]''': The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep. :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': You mean while I'm sleeping in it? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beach Bully''': Huh, err, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks. :'''Fry''': 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': The alien mother-ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bulls-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': ''[having just seen another massive spaceship appear]'' What the hell is that thing?! :'''Kif Kroker''': It appears to be the mother ship. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Then what did we just blow up? :''[Kif checks the star chart]'' :'''Kif Kroker''': The [[w:Hubble Space Telescope|Hubble Telescope]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The real alien mothership appears and it starts easily destroying the ships]'' :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Stop exploding, you cowards! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': When I'm in command, ''every'' mission is a suicide mission. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry and Bender recline with open beverages in the employee break room. Hermes walks in reading a stack of papers.]'' :'''Hermes''': What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boatbag! :''[He rolls up the papers and hits Bender with them.]'' :'''Bender''': Ow! ''[Fry chuckles. Hermes hits Fry next.]'' :'''Fry''': Oof! Hey, quit it, Hermes! It's Labor Day. :'''Hermes''': Labor Day?! That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters? :'''Fry''': That's the one. :'''Hermes''': Hot damn, a day off! :''[Hermes removes his jacket and dress shirt and sits between Fry and Bender, accepting a beer.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Our mission is clear: Destroy all alien lifeforms. :'''Kif Kroker''': Um...not me, sir. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny-- :'''Leela''': Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays. :'''Amy''': Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt. :'''Leela''': Gimme the script. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lrrr''': Surely you know McNeal! She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world! :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent. :'''Lrrr''': '''''SILENCE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lrrr''': We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day, ''FOR FIVE DAYS,'' unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow - 8 Central! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amy''': There. How do I look? :'''Farnsworth''': Like a cheap French harlot. :'''Amy''': French?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em. :'''Amy''': There aren't any copies left. :'''Farnsworth''': No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lrrr''': Attention, McNeil. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+. Okay, not great. As a result, we will ''not'' destroy your planet. But ''neither'' will we provide you with our recipe for immortality! :'''Fry''': Way to overact, Zoidberg! === ''[[w:Fry and the Slurm Factory|Fry and the Slurm Factory]]'' === :''[Bender feels sick]'' :'''Amy Wong''': You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc. :'''Bender''': I'm 40% zinc! :'''Amy Wong''': Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bender sees the insides of a transsexual female robot]'' :'''Bender''': ''[gasps]'' That's no lady! :'''Trans-bot''': Damn, Chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, stupid? :'''Bender''': Hey, bite my shiny metal ass! :'''Trans-bot''': You couldn't afford it, honey! ''[snaps fingers and struts away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slurm Queen''': As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself! :'''Small Glurmo #1''': But Your Highness, she's a commoner! Her Slurm will taste foul! :'''Slurm Queen''': Yes! Which is why we'll market it as [[w:New Coke|New Slurm]]. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': What should we try it on first? :'''Fry''': Try it on me ''[Bender points the F-Ray at Fry's body]'' Ow, my sperm! :'''Bender''': I'll try it again ''[He does so]'' :'''Fry''': Huh. Didn't hurt that time <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Who are those horrible orange creatures over there? :'''Glurmo''': Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Tell them I hate them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glurmo''': There will be no further questions! :'''Fry''': ''[Raises his hand]'' Why? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glurmo''': You'll have all the Slurm you can drink when you're partying with Slurms McKenzie! :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': When will that be? :'''Glurmo''': Soon enough. :'''Fry''': That's not soon enough! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grunka-Lunka song''': :'''Grunka-Lunkas''': Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Doo! :We've got a friendly warning for you! :Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Dasis! :The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis! :Asking questions in school is a great way to learn; :If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke! :We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm; :It could easily happen again to you, folks! :So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut! :Grunka-Lunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Dut! :'''Glurmo''': Hey, I don't pay you to sing! You just used up today's bathroom break! :'''Grunka-Lunka''': Hardass. :'''Glurmo''': I heard that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Hey, what's behind that door? :'''Glurmo''': Nothing. :'''Leela''': Is it the secret ingredient? :'''Grunka-Lunkas''': ''[singing]'' Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Dingredient! :You should not ask about the secret ingredient! :'''Bender''': ''[angrily]'' Okay, okay, we get the point! :'''Leela''': I was just curious because of the armed guards. :'''Grunka-Lunkas''': ''[singing]'' Grunka-Lunka-Dunkity-Darmed-Guards... :'''Bender''': '''''SHUT THE HELL UP!!!''''' ==External links== [[Category:Futurama seasons]] [[Category:American animated television seasons]] 7a4ad225knvp76qb2nbsl7zr9o3lmtu 0 174612 3955190 3947461 2026-06-22T03:29:29Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 /* Lesser of Two Evils */ 3955190 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Futurama/Season 1|1]] [[Futurama/Season 2|2]] [[Futurama/Season 3|3]] [[Futurama/Season 4|4]] [[Futurama/Season 5|5]] [[Futurama/Season 6|6]] [[Futurama/Season 7|7]] [[Futurama/Season 8|8]] [[Futurama|Main]] ---- '''''[[wikipedia:Futurama|Futurama]]''''' is an American animated sitcom created by [[Matt Groening]] and David X. Cohen. In the year 3000, a 20th century human who was frozen in the year 1999 awakes to find himself in the future, where he finds new friends at the Planet Express delivery company. ===''[[w:I Second That Emotion (Futurama)|I Second That Emotion]]''=== :'''Leela''': Are you alright? :'''Bender''': Ah, it's nothing a [[lawsuit]] won't cure. :'''Leela''': Not you. ''[She picks up Nibbler and looks in his mouth.]'' Aww, poor baby chipped a fang. :''[She carries Nibbler away and kisses and pets him.]'' :'''Bender''': Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it! :'''Zoidberg''': Alright, I'm coming. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party. :'''Bender''': Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler! :'''Leela''': Just make a simple cake, and this time if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in ''after'' you cook it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calculon''': Give it to me straight, doctor. Don't sugar-coat it. :'''DoctorBot''': All right. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiance crashed into your uninsured home, and you have inoperable cancer. :'''Bender''': ''[laughs hysterically]'' Bet you didn't expect that one, Calculon! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Bender Bending Rodriguez|Bender]]''': Hey! What the hell are you doing with my head?! :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': I need to tinker in it. :'''Bender''': Then why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Bender Bending Rodriguez|Bender]]''': You guys realize you live in a sewer, right? :'''Dwayne''': Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you! :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': No. We're on the top. :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Daylight and everything. :'''Vyolet''': It must be wonderful. :'''Bender''': Meh. ===''[[w:Brannigan, Begin Again|Brannigan, Begin Again]]''=== :'''Glab''': I can think of no better place for this centre of diplomacy than here in orbit around the Neutral Planet. What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness? :'''Neutral President''': I have no strong feelings one way or the other. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault. :'''Kif Kroker''': What? :'''Glab''': Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Oh Leela! You're the only person I could turn to; you're the only person who ever loved me. :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': I never loved you. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': I meant ''physically''. Just let me work for a little food. I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors. :'''Leela''': You don't know how to do any of those things. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Kif might! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Zapp Brannigan|Zapp Brannigan]]''': Throw her in the brig. :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': We don't have a brig. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig". :''[Later]'' :'''Kif''': What shall I do with your civilian clothes? :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Take them to the laundry/brig! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come swinging the olive branch of peace. :'''Neutral President's Aide''': Should we trust him, Your Neutralness? :'''Neutral President''': All I know is my gut says maybe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Leela, save me! And yourself, I guess. And my Banjo. ''[Fry looks at him.]'' And Fry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neutral President's Aide''': Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert. :'''Neutral President''': If I don't survive, tell my wife, "Hello". === ''[[w:A Head in the Polls|A Head in the Polls]]'' === :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': It's not like one vote ever made a difference. :'''[[w:Leela (Futurama)|Leela]]''': That's not true. The first robot president won by exactly one vote. :'''[[w:Bender Bending Rodriguez|Bender]]''': Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree. :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Prof. Farnsworth]]''': But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard Nixon's Head''': Look here, you drugged-up communist! I paid for this body, and I'd no sooner return it than my Cocker-Spaniel dog, Checkers. :'''Checker's Head''': Arf! :'''Richard Nixon's Head''': SHUT UP, DAMMIT!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in Futurama#Morbo|Morbo]]''': Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates... Puny human no. 1, puny human no. 2, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon. :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in Futurama#Richard Nixon|Richard Nixon's Head]]''': Hello Morbo, how's the family? :'''Morbo''': Belligerent and numerous. :'''Richard Nixon's Head''': Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family. ''[pulls a live baby out of his chest compartment and kisses it]'' :'''Bender (watching television):''' Great, first he steals my body, now he's touchin' my stuff! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard Nixon's Head''': Nixon with charisma? My god, I could rule the universe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard Nixon's Head''': NIXON'S BACK!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morbo''': All hail our gargantuan, cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Game's over, losers! I have all the money!! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof Farnsworth''': The problem with both parties is they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate. :'''Fry''': The less fortunate get all the breaks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': You look different. Did you get a haircut? :'''Bender''': No! I sold my body. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Johnson''': It's time for someone who has the courage to stand up and say, I'm against those things that everybody hates! :'''John Jackson''': Now, I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man. But quite frankly... I agree with everything he just said! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter ''The Scary Door''. As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth. :''[The man is in a library amongst the bookshelves.]'' :'''Man''': Finally, solitude. I can read books for all eternity. ''[His glasses fall off and break.]'' It's not fair! It's not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that bad. I can still read the large print books. ''[His eyes fall out.]'' Aaah! It's not f-- Well, lucky I know how to read Braille. ''[His hands fall off.]'' Aaaaaaah! ''[Then his tongue falls out and finally his head comes off.]'' Hey, look at that weird mirror! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': There's a political debate on! Quick, change the channel! :'''Bender''': Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned ''on'' the debate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Leela, I got a plan. :'''Leela''': I got a better plan. === ''[[w:Xmas Story|Xmas Story]]'' === :'''Conan O'Brien's Head''': ''[fed up of Bender's heckling]'' Listen pal, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the War of 2012, but I still have one thing you'll never have: a soul! :'''Bender''': Meh. :'''Conan O'Brien's Head''': And freckles! ''[Bender bursts into tears]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Dr John Zoidberg|Zoidberg]]''': You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see! :'''[[w:Hermes Conrad|Hermes]]''': Listen, you filthy crab! 1,000 years ago, there was a legendary [[w:Jamaica national bobsled team|team of Jamaican bobsledders]]. :'''[[w:Phillip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages. :'''Hermes''': A true inspiration for the children. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Hubert J. Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Dear God, they'll be killed on our doorstep! And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Lets face it, comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy! Ha ha ha, that's funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened. :'''Leela''': Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Man''': Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail. :'''Bender''': Lick my frozen metal ass! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Please let us live! We'll put out milk and cookies for you! :'''Robot Santa''': You ''dare'' bribe Santa!? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Planet Express crew are relaxing at the ski lodge]'' :'''Fry''': It really puts you in the Christmas mood. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': What-mas? :'''Fry''': Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S. :'''Leela''': Oh, you mean "Xmas"! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price. Girls like swarms of lizards, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Fry's outside? He's in great danger! :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': Why? :'''Leela''': I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Santa Claus Robot''': You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you. :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': A pogo stick! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': ''[spoken]'' Now let's all of us shut up and sing! :'''Amy''': ''[singing]'' He knows when you are sleeping, :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': ''[singing]'' He knows when you're on the can, :'''Leela''': ''[singing]'' He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan. :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': ''[singing]'' Oh, :'''Hermes''': ''[singing]'' You'd better not breathe, you'd better not move, :'''Bender''': ''[singing]'' You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude. :'''Fry''': ''[singing]'' Santa Claus is gunning you down! :''[Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing himself again.]'' :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Merry Xmas, everyone! ===''[[w:Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?|Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?]]''=== :'''Leela''': Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap. :'''Fry''': "Sack"? :'''Amy''': And Bender, your beer belly is so big your door won't even close. And that doesn't even make sense. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Co-ed steam rooms! I ''love'' the future! :'''Leela''': Uh, Fry, you're in the ''women's'' steam room. :'''Fry''': Ah, futuristic! :'''Amy''': ''[To Leela]'' Psst, look what life was like before genetic engineering. :'''Leela''': Those poor 20th century women. :''[Fry crosses his legs, embarrassed.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': We - by which I mean you - will have to rush him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex. :'''Fry''': Oh, baby! I'm THERE! :'''Leela''': Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"? :'''Fry''': Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in. No need to pack pants, people! Let's roll! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Doctor Zoidberg|Dr. Zoidberg]]''': Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school, so remind me. [[w:disemboweling|Disemboweling]] in your species: fatal or non-fatal? :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Fatal. :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': ''[To Bender]'' Large bet on myself in round one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Decapodian''': See you at the frenzy, Doctor ''[He makes a gibberish noise]''. :'''Fry''': Is that how you say "Zoidberg"? ''[The Decapodian runs off crying]'' :'''Zoidberg''': ''[angrily]'' You didn't have to call attention to his [[w:speech impediment|speech impediment]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zoidberg is unsuccessful in attracting a mate]'' :'''Leela''': Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone? :'''Bender''': Because he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry. :'''Fry''': Hey, I can any girl I want anytime I want! I'm just too busy. :''[He plays with a yo-yo and the string gets tangled. He snarls and starts to untie it.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Zoidberg is attempting to woo Edna, with help from Fry.]'' :'''Fry''': Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': ''[to Edna]'' I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. ''[to Fry]'' Fry, that doesn't make sense. :'''Edna''': Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But okay. :'''Fry''': Tell her she looks thin. :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites? :'''Edna''': Why yes! Thanks for noticing. :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': ''[to Fry]'' Now what? :'''Fry''': Ask her how her day was. :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': Why would I want to know that? :'''Fry''': You wouldn't. Ask anyway! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilization or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything? Dr. Zoidberg is my friend, and though a woman has come between us, I say we'll always remain friends. You know why? For one reason... :''[Dr. Zoidberg cuts off Fry's arm]'' :'''Fry''': YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU BASTARD! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the "Frenzy" has finished]'' :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': Now how am I going to get rid of my male jelly? :'''Fry''': I'll lend you this. ''[Waves severed arm]'' ===''[[w:The Lesser of Two Evils|The Lesser of Two Evils]]''=== :'''Voice on T.V.''': Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient? :'''[[w:Bender Bending Rodriguez|Bender]]''': Shut up and get to the point! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': My girlfriend had one of those. Actually it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. And she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains. :'''Leela''': Fry, remember what we said about ending your stories a sentence earlier? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry, Leela, and Bender are riding in the car with Fry behind the wheel. The car suddenly crashes and the airbags go off.]'' :'''Bender''': Ugh... I think I got [[w:whiplash|whiplash]]. :'''Leela''': You can't have whiplash. You don't even have a neck. :'''Bender''': I meant Ass-whiplash. :'''Fry''': I'm just glad we hit something, I thought we'd never stop. :''[Everyone gets out of the car, and are shocked to see a robot that looks like Bender]'' :'''Flexo''': Ugh... I think I got whiplash. ''[faints]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': How's that robot I ran over? :'''Farnsworth''': We did all we could... :'''Fry''': You mean he's...? :'''Farnsworth''': Good as new? Yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone. Report to my bedroom for a private exhibition. :''[Everyone exchanges worried glances with one another. In his bedroom, Farnsworth sits on his four-post bed and the staff and Flexo gather around]'' :'''Farnsworth''': Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you :''[Everyone climbs on and Farnsworth presses a button and makes the curtains around the bed close. What goes on inside is hidden from view.]'' :'''Farnsworth''': Feast your eyes on this! :''[Everyone gasps.]'' :'''Leela''': It's beautiful! :'''Amy''': And huge! :'''Fry''': Can I touch it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Space bandidos have been operating in this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour shifts guarding the safe. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. :'''Fry''': Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically. :'''Leela''': OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. :'''Fry''': Wait, let's go by rank. :'''Leela''': OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. :'''Fry''': Flexo outranks me? :'''Flexo''': That's "Flexo outranks me, ''sir''"! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Fry, why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants drawer? :'''Fry''': I didn't find him ten minutes ago, so I thought it was time to check again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Bender?! You stole the atom? :'''Bender''': I can explain: It's very valuable. :'''Flexo''': I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. That's why I ran to tell [[w:Bob Barker|Bob Barker]]. :'''Fry''': Whoa, whoa. Wait a sec. You mean Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked. Shocked! Well not that shocked. === ''[[w:Put Your Head on My Shoulders (Futurama)|Put Your Head on my Shoulders]]'' === :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Hey, tell me something. You've got all this money. How come you always dress like you're doing your laundry? :'''[[w:Amy Wong|Amy]]''': I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though! :'''Fry''': I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope? :'''Amy''': Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "Straighten your pope hat." And "Put on your good vestments." <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': She is well traveled... and I don't mean she travels a lot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Sorry, I'm not here to buy. :'''Car Dealer''': I understand. But it's wonderful that you don't care whether anyone questions your sexual orientation. :'''Fry''': I care! I care plenty! But I just don't know how to make them stop! :'''Car Dealer''': One word: Thundercougarfalconbird. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Congratulations, Fry! You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she probably has got other characteristics... :'''Leela''': Bender! Romance isn't about money. :'''Bender''': Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Please! :''[Zoidberg raises one of his mouth mandibles to protest.]'' :'''Leela''': For your information, it's because he's hideous. :''[Zoidberg drops his mouth mandible and slumps sadly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amy''': Hey, let's go car shopping! My parents promised if I got all B's they'd buy me a bar, and I got all C's! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Cheers! :'''"Woman"''': ''[with five o'clock shadow]'' Cheers! :''[Later]'' :'''Sal''': Anybodys else for Nutley? :''[Bender's customers get up and head for the door. Zapp's date also leaves.]'' :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Baby, wait! You didn't show me your surprise. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? Hmm. I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I - :''[cut to a judge banging his gavel]'' :'''Judge''': $500 and time served. :'''Bender''': ''[with a gold tooth]'' Stupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay the man! :'''Fembot''': Bender, honey, we love you. :'''Bender''': Shut up, baby, I know it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amy''': OK, Fry, we're done putting on the bra. :'''Fry''': Why exactly did you shave your legs anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date? :'''Amy''': What business is it of yours? :'''Fry''': And another thing: You're using an awful lot of make-up there. :'''Amy''': This is deodorant. :'''Fry''': What does it do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Hey, I can get a date too. Now that I'm single, I'll attract all sorts of women! :'''Amy''': With my body I think you might only attract one sort of woman. :'''Fry''': Oh! Oh... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zoidberg''': There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin, I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash. :'''Fry''': Can I live without it? :'''Zoidberg''': If you call that living. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon on your chest, to crush those who disobey you! But I guess we're just two different people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Everything worked out great thanks to good old Bender. :'''Leela''': Come on! It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together. :'''Bender''': Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I? :'''Leela''': No, you didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money! :'''Bender''': True. But, in the end, isn't that what Valentine's Day is really all about? :'''Leela''': Yeah. :'''Fry''': I guess so. === ''[[w:Raging Bender|Raging Bender]]'' === :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:George Foreman|George Foreman]]''': As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead. :'''[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] (impersonating [[w:Howard Cosell|Howard Cosell]])''': No argument here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:George Foreman|George Foreman]]''': This seems as good a time as any to bring up my new grill for no reason. With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': ''[With a brain-slug attached]'' Your mission today is to go to the Brain-Slug Planet. :'''Zoidberg''': What are we going to do there? :'''Hermes''': Just walk around not wearing a helmet. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After finding out that Master Fnog is the trainer of Destructor]'' :'''Leela''': Come on, Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you how to fight like a girl. :'''Bender''': ''[vengefully]'' I'll put on my tutu... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fnog''': You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zoidberg''': I'm going to a movie...with friends! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Billionaire Bot''': You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Feces-Processor. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Let's commence preparations for rumbling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro-wrestling, but it turns out it's fixed, like boxing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amy''': Bender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot Fighter. It's the most brutal form of competition in the galaxy! :'''Bender''': It is? :'''Farnsworth''': There are no rules. Two robots enter, one robot leaves. Then later the other robot leaves after being declared the winner. :'''Bender''': Well, that doesn't sound so bad. :'''Farnsworth''': Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonising pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes, definitely. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': You loved him as Bender the Offender! Now get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona ... The Gender Bender! :''[The picture is replaced with Bender in the tutu wearing a wig. He is lying on a bed kicking his legs back and forth and holding a pink phone.]'' :'''Bender''': ''[girly voice]'' I'm a real toughie! :'''Announcer''': Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor! :''[The picture is replaced with Destructor talking into a red phone]'' :'''Destructor''': I will destroy you! ''[He hangs up then picks up again.]'' And stop calling me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': ''[Getting beaten up by Destructor]'' Thrown in the towel Fry. ''[Fry stands there]'' For God sake, Fry! :'''Fry''': ''[Turns to reveal a brain-slug on his head]'' Errrrrr... :'''Hermes''': ''[With a brain-slug attached]'' That's exactly what I was thinking. ===''[[w:A Bicyclops Built For Two|A Bicyclops Built For Two]]''=== :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log on to AOL, and it just went through. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Go ahead, get into these net suits. I designed and tested them myself. :'''Leela''': ''[She sniffs her glove.]'' They smell like burning Rhesus Monkey. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Really? I guess when you're around it all day you stop noticing. Off you go. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is logged onto the internet in virtual reality]'' :'''Bender''': Behold... the Internet! :'''Fry''': My God! It's full of ads! <hr width="50%"/> :''[on the internet, Amy finds a door titled "Amy Wong Naked". She looks inside]'' :'''Amy Wong''': Hey! That's me! :'''Bender''': No it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body. :''[Leela looks inside]'' :'''Leela''': Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bender is disguised as a sexy nurse, talking to a chat room participant.]'' :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': Hi, I'm a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute. :'''Chat room participant''': Oh, you're a dollar naughtier than most. :''[He hands Bender the money.]'' :'''Bender''': So, how 'bout them [[w:New York Knicks|Knicks]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence? :'''Bender''': ''[sarcastically]'' Is the Space Pope reptilian? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': After all this time, somebody else with one eye... who ISN'T a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a BB gun. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alcazar''': This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess of beauty. :'''Fry''': Hmm. You got any sacred artwork of her from the back? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alcazar''': By the way, your pal Fry fell in the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place. :'''Leela''': Come on, Al. Can't you let the little guy out? :'''Alcazar''': Geez, Leela! Twice in one day? I'm not Superman! :'''Alcazar's friends''': WOOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Leela, you have to get me out of here. It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste drop where I stand like an animal in the zoo. :'''Leela''': Animals go on the corner. :'''Fry''': The corner! Why didn't I think of that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': ''[singing]'' I like stealing, I like taking things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Hey, where'd you get this couch and that TV set and all this stuff? :'''Alcazar''': They were giving it away on the street corner. Just like you, Leela! :'''Alcazar's friends''': WOOOOO! :'''Leela''': Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you actually need: Mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear. :'''Alcazar's friends''': WOOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alcazar''': Well, this is the real me. But I can explain: We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdos and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and of course I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position? :'''Bender''': He's a saint! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Alright, Alcazar, I just have one last question for you. :'''Alcazar''': What's that? :'''Leela''': If you can change form, why didn't you change it in the one place that counts? :'''Everyone''': WOOOOO! === ''[[w:A Clone of My Own|A Clone of My Own]]'' === :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait…that's not good news at all! :'''Leela''': Whatever you did, Professor, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Yes, but they won't listen. Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooh, suddenly you've gone too far. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cubert''': What? You've never seen a genius' wiener before? (Others mumble negatively) :'''Fry''': Well, once in the park... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Prof. Farnsworth]]''': Nothing is impossible! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about! :'''[[w:Cubert Farnsworth|Cubert Farnsworth]]''': No, that's what being a magical elf is all about! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cubert''': Why do I have to be the hump? :'''Fry''': Because you're too ugly to be a wart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': ''[Is showing Cubert some of his inventions]'' And this is my Universal Translator. Unfortunately, so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language. :'''Cubert''': ''[into the translator's microphone]'' Hello. :'''Translator Machine''': Bonjour! :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Crazy gibberish! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': ''[being escorted away by a Sunset Squad robot]'' Goodbye, cruel world! Goodbye, cruel lamp! Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. ''[the robot groans]'' Cruel though they may be, I-- ''[the rather fed-up robot abruptly picks up Farnsworth and carries him away.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Come on, Leela! Step your big boot down on the gas pedal. :''[She does. Cut to Near-Death Star Landing Pad, the ship takes off and the landing gear goes up. The guest drop off door opens and three guardbots fly out. Guardbot #1 shoots at the ship and two laser bolts hit the engine, causing it to shut down. The ship falls onto the landing pad and the guardbots' hover-ships buzz around it. Cut to Ships Cockpit, an alarm beeps and a red lights flashes]'' :'''Leela''': They've blown out one of our engines! :'''Fry''': ''[fast]'' Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it! Fix it, fix it, fix it! :'''Leela''': Only the Professor knows how to fix it. We have to wake him up. :''[She grabs Farnsworth's night shirt and shakes him around. Fry blasts him with an air horn and Bender empties a chest cabinet full of water over him]'' :'''Fry''': Try shocking him! :'''Bender''': Your social security cheque is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words! :'''Fry''': Damn it, we'll have to fix the engine ourself. :'''Leela''': We can't, you bastard! No one knows how it works. It's impossible! :''[Cubert comes around and puts his hand in the air]'' :'''Cubert''': ''Nothing'' is impossible. I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. ''[He lifts an access hatch and starts fiddling with some wires under the floor]'' The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is, and the engines move the universe around it. :'''Bender''': That's a complete load! :'''Cubert''': ''Nothing's'' a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about. Right, Professor? ''[Farnsworth mumbles. Cubert closes the access panel]'' Let's ride! === ''[[w:How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back|How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back]]'' === :'''Hermes''': ''[a letter comes in on the mail tube]'' Great gorilla of Manilla! A letter from the Central Bureaucracy. "Attention, Hermes Conrad. You are about to receive a letter from the Central Bureaucracy." ''[Another letter comes in]'' Oh, my God! It's from the Central Bureaucracy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hermes is threatening to jump off the Planet Express building.]'' :'''Planet Express Crew''': No! Don't jump! :'''[[w:Bender Bending Rodriguez|Bender]]''': Do a flip! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Don't, Hermes! You have so much to live for! :'''Bender''': I get it: reverse psychology. :'''Professor Farnsworth''': Please, old friend, don't jump. Use another method that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Number 1.0''': Don't quote regulation to me! I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the color of the book that regulation is in. We kept it gray. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Number 1.0''': Guards! Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morgan Proctor''': Naturally I have to assign someone to fill in for Hermes while he's gone. I assign me. I accept. Welcome aboard. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morgan Proctor''': Why is there yogurt in this cap? :'''Fry''': Uh, I can explain that. See, it used to be milk and, well, time makes fools of us all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': I'm having a poker game tonight with some of my old cryogenics lab coworkers. Would any of you like to join? :'''Bender''': I don't know. I only gamble with chumps. :'''Fry''': I'll play. :'''Bender''': I'm in! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': Sweet something of... someplace. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Dammit, Hermes, just jump already! Stop hogging that healthy liver. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been, but a friend of mine went completely mad trying to find the washroom there. :'''Leela''': Then we'll need a guide, someone who's been there before. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Oh, I've been there. Lots of times. ''[laughs maniacally]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': ''[Spoken]'' Requisition me a beat! :''[Number 1.0 plays some music]'' :'''Hermes''': ''[Singing]'' :When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town, :With a foot and a half of water, :Everyone was alright but I cried all night, :It blew my alphabet blocks out of order, :And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat, :Born to be all obsessive and snotty," :I made my friends and relations file long applications, :To get into my 10th birthday party. :'''LaBarbara''': But something changed when my man turned pro. :'''Hermes''': I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'. :'''LaBarbara''': He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks. :'''Hermes''': It's supposed to be about the filing! People! :We didn't choose to be bureaucrats, :No, that's what almighty Jah made us, :We treat people like swine, :And make 'em stand in line, :Even if nobody paid us! :They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats, :They say we're anal, compulsive and weird, :But when push comes to shove, :You gotta do what you love, :Even if it's not a good idea. :Zoidberg! :'''Zoidberg''': They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon. :'''Farnsworth''': They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter. :'''Leela''': They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye. ''[A tube hits her in the eye.]'' :'''Bender''': I am Bender. Please insert girder. :'''Hermes''': Everybody sing Jamaica! ''[He limbos under the flying tubes]'' :'''All''': Jamaica! :'''Hermes''': Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica! :'''Bureaucrats''': Jamaica! :'''Hermes''': The grade 19's! :'''Morgan Proctor''': Jamaica. :''[Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats]'' :'''Hermes''': Sing me home! :When push comes to shove, :You gotta do what you love, : Even if it's not a good idea! :''[He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws it into Bender's head. Bender's personality resurfaces]'' :'''Bender''': I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor! ===''[[w:The Deep South (Futurama)|The Deep South]]''=== :'''Hermes''': Exciting news, people! The pet licence I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived! :'''Leela''': Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler. :'''Hermes''': Dream on, woman! I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river, and hurl the river into space, but I do like filling out requisitions, and these were some doozies! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Ah the exact center of the Atlantic Ocean, this seems the logical place for fish to congregate. :'''Bender''': So we're in international waters? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Indeed so. :'''Bender''': ''[on walkie-talkie]'' Falcon this is Blue Raven, the goose has nested, repeat, the goose has nested. :''[A speed boat pulls up and the driver and Bender exchange briefcases. Then the boat drives away.]'' :'''Bender''': Hey, guess what you're accessories to. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry is presented with an egg-sized pill which will allow him to withstand the pressure underwater.]'' :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': I can't swallow that. :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Well, then good news! It's a suppository. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Let's hope some robot doesn't kill everybody. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Whilst underwater]'' :'''Zoidberg''': Nooo! My home, it burnt down! How did this happen? :'''Hermes''': That's a very good question... :'''Bender''': Ah, so that's where I left my cigar! :'''Hermes''': ...That just raises further questions!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bender and Fry talk about the size of a fish they used to caught]'' :'''[[w:Leela (Futurama)|Leela]]''': You're both out of your league, boys. Because right now, you're looking at a girl who owns her own harpoon. :'''Bender''': Harpoon my ass. ''[snickers]'' :'''Leela''': Okay. ''[Throws harpoon into Bender's rear end]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': My Manwich! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': The important thing is that we don't panic! There are rules for situations like this! Now, the first order of business is lunch. I suggest a nice Lobster Zoidberg. I mean, Lobster Newburg. I mean - Doctor Zoidberg. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': What's so far-fetched about mermaids? There's all kinds of weird sea creatures here in the future, like Dr. Zoidberg! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now if they were to make it in the form of a suppository... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness or I'm drunk or I ate too much candy. Well I saw a real mermaid. And I wish for once my friends would have decency and kindness to believe me. :'''Leela''': ''[whispers to Farnsworth]'' Ocean madness. :''[Fry storms out]'' :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Ahoy, mateys. I shanghaied us some hearthy grog. ''[he tries to drink it, but it just dissolves in the water]'' Arrgh, the laws of science be a harsh mistress. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela'''': Ah, the sun, the sea air, good friends... :'''Bender''': Leela's right, fishing blows. What do we say we make it interesting? Everyone kick in five bucks. :''[they all give Bender five bucks; he pockets the money]'' :'''Bender''': Now, wasn't that interesting? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donovan''': Atlanta was a city, landlocked, hundreds of miles from the area we now call the Atlantic Ocean. Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism, that they moved offshore, becoming an island, and an even bigger delta hub. Until the city overdeveloped, and began to sink. Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away. Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the man who invented Coca Cola, the magician, and the other gods of our legends. Though gods they were - and also, Jane Fonda was there - the others chose to stay behind in their porches with their rifles, and in time evolved into mermaids, and sing and dance, and ring in the new... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Good Lord! That's over 5000 atmospheres of pressure! :'''Fry''': How many atmospheres can the ship withstand? :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Well, it was built for space travel, so anywhere between zero and one. === ''[[w:Bender Gets Made|Bender Gets Made]]'' === :'''Supplicant''': Please, Don-Bot... look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file! :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in Futurama#Robot Mafia|Don-Bot]]''': File not found. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Don-Bot''': Alright, let's mafia things up a bit. ''(gives Joey and Clamps each a tank of gasoline)'' Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew. :'''Bender''': ''(With Brooklyn Accent)'' Uh, Donnie, baby. Youse guys skedaddle. Let me handle the doity wok. :'''Don-bot''': Blotto, I like your style, ''and'' your latest accent. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite chef, TV's Elzar! Aww, this is the greatest nanosecond of my life! No, this one is! No, this one. Wait! That one was... slightly worse. Ah! So far so good on this one! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': It's funny, Bender. With you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story. :'''Bender''': And maybe someday I won't listen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's treated. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The ship takes off, damaging the roof.]'' :'''Hermes''': ''[to Zoidberg]'' That's coming out of your pay! :''[Zoidberg cries.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': It's the biggest Jamaican platter I've ever seen! Jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork. Is there any meat this man can't jerk? === ''[[w:Mother's Day (Futurama)|Mother's Day]]'' === :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Good news, everyone! There's a report on TV with some very bad news! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Greeting Card''': Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets! :'''[[w:Bender Bending Rodriguez|Bender]]''': Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets? :'''Greeting Card''': No! The kind with looting and maybe starting a few fires! :'''Bender''': Yes! In your face, [[Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi|Gandhi]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mom''': You broke my heart, Hubert. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': Help! My stapler is collating me alive! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amy''': But the professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we going to get there without a hovercar? :'''Fry''': Wait. In my time we had a way of moving objects long distances without hovering. :'''Hermes''': Impossible! :'''Fry''': It was called... let me think... It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one... The wheel. :'''Leela''': Never heard of it. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Show us this "the wheel." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': Without machines, who will feed us and clothe us and compose our smooth jazz? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Just the thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet. :'''Fry''': Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mom''': Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass! - Walt! How are we disposing of those crap gifts they brought me? :'''Walt''': They're being crushed into powder and sold as a hocus-pocus cure for cancer. :'''Mom''': False hope! I love it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Greeting Card''': Comrades, throw off the chains of human oppression. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Greeting Card''': The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mom''': Darling Hubie, I should never have tried to tamper with that cute little Q.T. McWhiskers. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': No, it was silly of me to object; one-foot tall, eight-feet, 15-feet, what does it matter? :'''Mom''': You should see the new 16-foot models. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': 16 feet?! Go to hell! ===''[[w:The Problem With Popplers|The Problem With Popplers]]''=== :'''Leela''': Great, we're two days from Earth with no food! :'''Bender''': Problem solved: You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser! ''[To Leela.]'' Work his gut, I like it tender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': They're like sex, except I'm having it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Let's bring back a few pocketfuls. :'''Bender''': Better yet, let's take a whole Benderful. :'''Leela''': No, take only what's necessary. Stuff the ship. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Poppler Song''': :Pop a Poppler in your mouth, when you come to Fishy Joe's :What they're made of is a mystery; where they come from, no one knows :You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em :If you promise not to sue us, you can shove one up your nose. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property! :'''[[w:List of one-time characters in Futurama#Free Waterfall Jr.|Free Waterfall Jr.]]''': Pssh! You can't ''own'' property, man! :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': I can, but that's because ''I'm'' not a penniless hippie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Free Waterfall Jr.''': The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain. :''[Bender throws a brick at him]'' :'''Free Waterfall Jr.''': Ow! :'''Bender''': Okay, we won't eat you. :'''Leela''': I'll go get some more bricks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Linda''': Tonight on ''Datenight'': Popplers. Eating them. Is it alright to? We have with us the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. "Fishy" Joseph Gilman. Noted anti-eating activist, Free Waterfall Jr. And the discoverer of Popplers, Captain Turanga Leela. :'''Fry''': "Turanga"? :'''Amy''': That's her name, Philip. :'''Bender''': "Philip"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Farnsworth''': My God, they're back! We're doomed! :'''Amy''': Doomed! :'''Bender''': ''[Deep inhale]'' DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': I realize this may hurt our chances of consummating our relationship again. :'''Leela''': Go consummate yourself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Who wants some dolphin? :'''Amy''': Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent! :'''Bender''': Not this one. He blew his life savings on lottery tickets. ===''[[w:Anthology of Interest I|Anthology of Interest I]]''=== :'''Fry''': Will you be my friend? :''[Bender holds out his hand.]'' :'''Bender''': ''[holding his hand out to Fry]'' Put 'er there, pal. ''[Fry shakes his hand]'' I meant, your wallet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': ''[sees a guinea pig on a plate]'' What's this? Two meals in one week? :''[Zoidberg devours the live guinea pig, and is trapped behind a glass box]'' :'''Fry''': Gotcha! :'''Amy''': Sucker! :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': Friends, help! A guinea pig tricked me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': Bite my colossal metal ass! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying, and we'll never even know why he came. :'''Bender''': I'll tell you, with my final breath. I came here with a simple dream: a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real seven billion ton robot monster here? Not I. Not... I. ''[closes his eyes and dies]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Professor Farnsworth]]''': Ohhh, you've killed me! You've killed me! :'''[[w:Turanga Leela|Leela]]''': Oh God, what have I done? :'''Professor Farnsworth''': I just told you! You've killed me! :''[The anteaters finish him off. All that is left of him is his skeleton and his lab coat. An anteater coughs up his glasses onto his skull. Planet Express Corridor. Leela stand outside the lounge rubbing her hands.]'' :'''Leela''': Ok, just try to be nonchalant. :''[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks in whistling nonchalantly.]'' :'''Zoidberg''': Alright, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Hermes Conrad|Hermes]]''': What are you hacking off? Is it my torso?! ''It is!'' My precious torso! :'''Zoidberg''': Hermes, quiet! I'm deducing things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': There's nothing wrong with murder, so long as you let Bender wet his beak. :'''Leela''': You're blackmailing me? :'''Bender''': Blackmail is such an ugly word; I prefer "extortion". The "X" makes it sound cool. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Do you have any gun? :'''Amy''': No… AHHHHHHHHHH! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Who are you? :'''Scruffy''': Scruffy, the janitor. :'''Leela''': I've never seen you before. :'''Scruffy''': And I've never seen you before neither. :'''Zoidberg''': Quiet, please. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zoidberg''': My first clue came at 4:15, when the clock stopped. The next clue came 3 hours later at 4:15 when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Farnsworth''': That question was less stupid. Though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': What are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wienner? :'''Dr. Zoidberg''': If that's his pizza, then I'm I.C. Whatever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Hey, Stephen Hawking! Aren't you that physicist that invented gravity? :'''Stephen Hawking''': Sure, why not? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Panucci''': Hey, Hawking, your pizza's ready. :'''Stephen Hawking''': Toss it in the garbage. ''[Outside Panucci's Pizza. Fry locks up for the night and walks into an alley. From alley]'' There he is. Seize him. :'''Fry''': ''[from alley]'' Who said that?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Al Gore''': I'm Al Gore, and these are my Vice Presidential Action Rangers, a group of top nerds who sole duty is to prevent disruptions in the space-time continuum. :'''Fry''': I thought your duty was to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate. :'''Al Gore''': That, and protect the space-time continuum. Read the Constitution! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary Gygax''': Greetings! It's a ''[He rolled the dice]'' pleasure to meet you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Al Gore''': Not all missions can be solved with chess, Deep Blue. Some day, you'll understand that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Al Gore''': If we don't go back there and make the even happen, the entire universe will be destroyed. And as an environmentalist, I'm against that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary Gygax''': Here, take my +1 mace. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Al Gore''': You fool! You foolish fool! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fry and the group of nerds find themselves nowhere after destroying the universe]'' :'''[[Stephen Hawking|Stephen Hawking]]''': Great. The entire universe was destroyed. :'''Fry''': Destroyed? Then where are we now? :'''[[Al Gore|Al Gore]]''': I don't know, but I dang well know where we're not: the universe. :'''[[Nichelle Nichols|Nichelle Nichols]]''': Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again. :'''[[Gary Gygax|Gary Gygax]]''': Anyone wanna play Dungeons and Dragons for the next quadrillion years? === ''[[w:War Is the H-Word|War Is the H-Word]]'' === :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': This is the worst kind of discrimination: the kind against me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Henry Kissinger's Head''': Please, gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed. We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kif? :'''Kif''': Ugh... sexlexia. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Dammit, Kif! Where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it as scotch on the rocks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier''': This is the worst part. The calm before the battle. :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': And then the battle's not so bad? :'''Soldier''': Oh right. I forgot about the battle. ''[whimpers]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': ''[To Bender]'' Wait, If you say the A-word, this planet will blow straight up to the H-word. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard Nixon's Head''': Accompaning you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger. :'''Henry Kissinger's Head''': How are you? :'''Bender''': Is he any good? :'''Richard Nixon's Head''': Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough said. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is? :'''Kif Kroker''': Being your assistant. :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Wrong. Being ''your'' assistant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zapp Brannigan''': Oh, god, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman. :'''Leela''': Let's do it again sometime. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': ''[On a bouncing ball.]'' At last, war has made me into a man... Wee! ===''[[w:The Honking|The Honking]]''=== :'''Robot Villager #1''': Some say unholy things happen up there. :'''Robot Villager #2''': For example, all of us say that. :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Pfft! Supersticious robot mumbo-jumbo! :'''Robot Villager #2''': Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Will Reader''': To my lazy, spoiled son Tandy, who never understood the value of a dollar, I leave my entire $20 million fortune. :'''Tandy''': ''[whispers to girlfriend]'' Is that a lot? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bender''': That painting! The eyes are watching me! :''[The Professor moves his drink in front of the painting. The painting's eyes follow it]'' :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': It has motorized sensors attached to motion detectors. :'''Bender''': So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly-shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castles wiring through this old, abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms. :'''Hermes''': Of course! It was so obvious! :'''Prof. Farnsworth''': Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sal''': We're all scared, it's the human condition. Why do you think I put on this tough guy facade? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Bender (Futurama)|Bender]]''': And until then, I can never die? :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in Futurama#Gypsy-Bot|Gypsy-Bot]]''': Who said that? SURE you can die! ''[Pulls out big gun.]'' You want to die?! :'''Bender''': No! I want to live! There are still too many things I don't own! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leela welds Bender to the wall of his apartment.]'' :'''Leela''': There, no rampaging for you tonight. :'''Bender''': Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall? :'''Leela''': Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast, and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil. :'''Fry''': It'll be a rich, full day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': Well, good night. I'm gonna make all my meals for the next month and freeze them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': ''[upon seeing Bender in his were-car form about to kill Leela.]'' You jerk! I thought I was your best friend! What kind of two timing killmobile are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': I can’t believe this. Bender’s supposed to murder his closest friend, which I thought was me. But he went straight for you. He didn’t even try to second degree murder me. :'''Leela''': Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot. :'''Fry''': Stop rubbing it in! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in Futurama#Calculon|Calculon]]''': I was all of history's great robot actors: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, [[w:David Duchovny|David Duchovny]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': Knightrider wasn't evil! :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in Futurama#Calculon|Calculon]]''': No, but his windshield wipers were. Didn't come up much in the show... === ''[[w:The Cryonic Woman|The Cryonic Woman]]'' === :'''Michelle''': Fry? Is it really you? :'''[[w:Philip J. Fry|Fry]]''': I don’t know. Is it really you? :'''Michelle''': What do you mean you don’t know? Are you you or not? :'''Fry''': Who wants to know? :'''Michelle''': Oh Fry, it is you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Dr. Zoidberg|Dr. Zoidberg]]''': For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michelle''': Fry, why must you analyze everything with your relentless logic? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michelle''': It's a relief to meet you, Amy. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to all the strange stuff here in the future. :'''Amy''': I'm from Mars. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leela''': We don't need to beg Bender, for God's sake we're not veterans. :'''Fry''': Then what do you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant back? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': What's deathrolling? :'''Black Child''': It's like skateboarding. :'''Punk Kid''': But half the time someone dies. :'''Fry''': Oh. So it's a little safer than skateboarding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michelle''': My mother always said you were a loser, Fry. Now get out there and prove her wrong. :'''Fry''': Beth said that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': I find this post-apocalyptic wasteland very confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded out. :'''Michelle''': That's because you're a loser. You were a loser in the year 2000 and you're a loser in the year 4000. :'''Fry''': Yeah, but in the year 3000, I had it all; friends, a low-paying job, a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man, but you wrecked everything! :'''Michelle''': Quit standing up for yourself, Fry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fry''': So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000? :'''Farnsworth''': You wish! You're in Los-Angeles! :'''Fry''': But there was this gang of 10-year-olds with guns. :'''Leela''': Exactly, you're in L.A. :'''Fry''': But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other. :'''Bender''': That's L.A. for you. :'''Fry''': But the air is green and there's no sign of civilisation whatsoever. :'''Bender''': He just won't stop with the social commentary. :'''Fry''': And the people are all phoneys. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it. ==External links== [[Category:Futurama seasons]] [[Category:American animated television seasons]] gjjwk73gakdhovrnm1pp7di3bcacgu7 0 175072 3955192 3950946 2026-06-22T03:54:05Z Furyroad97 3091540 /* Volume 5 */ 3955192 wikitext text/x-wiki {{tv-cleanup}} [[File:Team RWBY Volume 9.png|thumb]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:RWBY|RWBY]]''''' (pronounced "Ruby") is an American Anime inspired web series that was created by [[w:Monty Oum|Monty Oum]] for [[w:Rooster Teeth|Rooster Teeth Productions]]. If you are unable to find the quote you are looking for, a user-created transcript searcher is available [https://glqv.bitbucket.io/rwby/quotes/ here.] == Dialogue == == Volume 1 == ===Ruby Rose [Volume 1, Episode 1]=== :'''Ozpin''': So...''[He and Goodwitch look at footage of Ruby fighting off several of Torchwick's henchmen]'' Where did you learn to do this? :'''Ruby''': S-Signal Academy. :'''Ozpin''': They taught you to use one of the most dangerous weapons ever designed? :'''Ruby''': Well, one teacher in particular. :'''Ozpin''': I see...''[Puts a plate of cookies on the table in front of Ruby. Ruby hesitantly eats one, looks at Ozpin, then eats more]'' It's just that I've only seen one other scythe-wielder of that skill before. A dusty, old crow. :'''Ruby''': ''[Mumbles with a mouthful of cookies.]'' Thas ma unca Mmmf! ''[Ozpin stares at her; Ruby quickly swallows and clears her throat]'' Sorry. That's my Uncle Qrow. He's a teacher at Signal. I was complete garbage before he took me under his wing. Now, I'm all, like ''[does karate arm moves and light shouts]'' :'''Ozpin''': So I've noticed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ruby''': I wonder who we're gonna meet. :'''Yang''': I just hope they're better than "Vomit Boy". :'''Ruby''': Oh, Yang, gross, you have puke on your shoe! :'''Yang''': Gross, gross, gross... :'''Ruby''': Get away, get away! Get away from me! Get away from me! Get away from me! Get away from me! ===The Shining Beacon [Volume 1, Episode 2]=== :'''Ruby''': Hey, I said I was sorry, Princess! :'''Blake''': It's Heiress, actually. Weiss Schnee, heiress, to the Schnee Dust Company, one of the largest producers of energy propellant in the world. :'''Weiss''': Finally, some recognition! :'''Blake''': The same company infamous for its controversial labor forces and questionable business partners. :'''Weiss''': -What- How dare-! ''[Ruby started to laugh]'' :'''Weiss''': The nerve of-! ''[Weiss snatch her dust from Blake and walk away]'' Ugh! ===The Shining Beacon Pt. 2 [Volume 1, Episode 3]=== :'''Yang''': So, how's your first day going, little sister? :'''Ruby''': You mean since you ditched me and I exploded? :'''Yang''': Yikes, meltdown already? :'''Ruby''': No, I literally exploded a hole in front of the school. And there was fire and I think some ice. :'''Yang''': Are you being sarcastic? :'''Ruby''': I wish! I tripped over some crabby girl's luggage, and then she yelled at me, and I sneezed, and then I exploded, and then she yelled again, and I felt really, really bad, and I just wanted her to stop yelling at me! ''[During this, the camera pans over to reveal Weiss standing right behind Ruby, listening the whole time]'' :'''Weiss''': YOU! :'''Ruby''': ''[Jumps into Yang's arms]'' Oh God, it's happening again! :'''Weiss''': You're lucky we weren't blown off the side of the cliff! :'''Yang''': ''[Deadpan]'' Oh my God, you really exploded. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ruby''': As a girl, I wanted to be just like those heroes in the books... Someone who fought for what was right, and protected people who couldn't protect themselves! :'''Blake''': That's...very ambitious for a child. Unfortunately, the real world isn't the same as a fairy tale. :'''Ruby''': Well, that's why we're here. To make it better. :'''Weiss''': What in the world is going on over here!? Don't you realize some of us are trying to sleep!? ''[After seeing it's Ruby who woke her up]'' :'''Weiss and Yang''': OH, NOT YOU AGAIN! :'''Ruby''': Shh! Guys, she's right! People are trying to sleep! :'''Weiss''': Oh, now you're on my side. :'''Ruby''': I was always on your side! :'''Yang''': Yeah, What's your problem with my sister? She's only trying to be nice! :'''Weiss''': She's a hazard to my health! ''[Blake blows out the candles]'' ===The Emerald Forest [Volume 1, Episode 6]=== :'''Ruby''': What was that!? That should have been easy! :'''Weiss''': Well, perhaps, if you had used even the slightest amount of caution in the placement of your strikes, I wouldn't have set the forest on fire! :'''Ruby''': What's that supposed to mean!? :'''Weiss''': I'm just surprised that someone who talks so much could communicate so little during an encounter. :'''Ruby''': Well, I'm sorry that you need my help to win a fight. I'm just fine on my own! :'''Weiss''': Well, congratulations on being the strongest child to sneak your way into Beacon. Bravo. '''Players and Pieces [Volume 1, Episode 8]''' :'''Weiss''': ''[She and Ruby are riding on the back of a Nevermore]'' RUBY! I told you that this was a terrible idea! :'''Ruby''': We'll be fine! Stop worrying! :'''Weiss''': I am ''so'' beyond worrying! :'''Ruby''': ...In a good way? :'''Weiss''': In a BAD way! In a VERY BAD way! :'''Ruby''': Well, why don't we just jump? :'''Weiss''': What, are you insane?! ''[Sees Ruby has already jumped]'' Oh, you insufferable little red-! <hr width="50%"> :'''Yang''': I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Could everyone just chill out for two seconds before something crazy happens again?! :'''Ruby''': Uh, Yang? ''[Points up to the sky]'' :'''Weiss''': ''[Hanging off a claw of a flying Nevermore]'' How could you leave me?! :'''Ruby''': I said "jump"! :'''Blake''': She's going to fall. :'''Ruby''': She'll be fine. :'''Ren''': She's falling. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ruby, Weiss, Blake, and Yang prepare to take down a Grimm Nevermore. Yang and Blake stretch one of Blake's ribbons between two pillars. Ruby stands on the ribbon, while Weiss uses her semblance to pull it back, like a slingshot.]'' :'''Weiss''': Of course, ''you'' would come up with this idea. :'''Ruby''': Think you can make the shot? :'''Weiss''': ''[Smugly]'' Hmph, can I? :'''Ruby''': ...Can-? :'''Weiss''': Of course I can! ===The Badge and The Burden [Volume 1, Episode 9]=== ''[After Weiss wakes up, Ruby blows a whistle]'' :'''Weiss''': Gah! ''[Falls down]'' :'''Ruby''': Goooood morning, Team RWBY! :'''Weiss''': What in the world is wrong with you?! :'''Ruby''': Now that you're awake, we can begin our first order of business. :'''Weiss''': Excuse me? :'''Yang''': Decorating! :'''Weiss''': What? :'''Blake''': We still have to unpack...''[Holds up her suitcase, which falls open, spilling out all its contents]'' And clean. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ruby, Weiss, Blake, and Yang decorate and furnish their room. When they finish, they see the beds are cluttered together]'' :'''Weiss''': This...isn't going to work. :'''Blake''': It is a bit cramped. :'''Yang''': Maybe we should ditch some of our stuff. :'''Ruby''': Or...we could ditch the beds ''[Gasps]'' And replace them with BUNK BEDS! :'''Weiss''': Um, that sounds incredibly dangerous. :'''Yang''': And super awesome! :'''Blake''': It ''does'' seem efficient. :'''Weiss''': Well, we should put it to a vote. :'''Ruby''': I think we just did. :''[Blake gives a thumbs-up, Yang gives a "rock on" gesture, both accompanied by a "bing" sound, followed by Weiss frowning, accompanied by a buzzer.]'' '''The Badge and The Burden Part 2 [Volume 1, Episode 10]''' :''[Weiss is complaining to Professor Port about Ozpin's choice to name Ruby the team leader]'' :'''Weiss''': Excuse me? :'''Professor Port''': I believed in Professor Ozpin for many years, and the man's never once led me astray. :'''Weiss''': So, you would just blindly accept his decision, even after seeing how exceptional I am? :'''Professor Port''': With all due respect, your exceptional skill on the battlefield is matched only by your poor attitude. :'''Weiss''': How dare you! :'''Professor Port''': My point, exactly. I see a girl who has spent her entire life getting exactly what she wanted. :'''Weiss''': That's not even remotely true! ''[Professor Port raises an eyebrow]'' Well, not ''entirely'' true... ===Jaunedice [Volume 1, Episode 11]=== :'''Nora''': So. There we were. In the middle of the night! :'''Ren''': It was day. :'''Nora''': And we were surrounded by Ursai... :'''Ren''': They were Beowolves. :'''Nora''': Dozens of them! :'''Ren''': Two of them. ===Jaunedice Part 2 [Volume 1, Episode 12]=== :'''Oobleck''': Mr. Arc! Finally contributing to class! This is excellent! Excellent! What is the answer? :'''Jaune''': Uhh... the answer... the advantage... of the faunus... had over that guy's stuff... ''[Sees Pyrrha making a gesture]'' Uh, b-binoculars! ===Forever Fall Part 2 [Volume 1, Episode 14]=== :'''Pyrrha''': Well, Ruby has her speed, Weiss has her glyphs, my semblance is polarity. :'''Ruby''': Whoa, you can control poles... :'''Weiss''': No, you dunce! It means she has control over magnetism! :'''Ruby''': Magnets are cool, too... ===The Stray [Volume 1, Episode 15]=== :'''Penny''': You call me friend. Am I really your friend? :'''Ruby''': Ahh! ''[Then Weiss, Blake, and Yang want her to say no]'' Yeah, sure! Why not?! ''[Then they faint]'' :'''Penny''': Ahaha! Sen-sational! We can paint our nails and try out clothes and talk about cute boys! :'''Ruby''': Ooh, is this what it was like when you met me? ''[After Weiss gets up, and brush herself]'' :'''Weiss''': No, she seems ''far'' more coordinated. <hr width="50%"> :'''Weiss''': Wait, you're fighting in the tournament? :'''Penny''': I'm combat ready! :'''Weiss''': Forgive me, but you hardly look the part. :'''Blake''': Says the girl wearing a dress. :'''Weiss''': It's a combat skirt! ''[Ruby, wearing a combat skirt as well, stands next to Weiss]'' :'''Ruby''': Yeah! ''[She and Weiss slap hands]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Weiss''': You realize that you're defending an organization that hates humanity, don't you? The Faunus of the White Fang are pure evil! :'''Blake''': There's no such thing as pure evil! Why do you think they hate humanity so much? It's because of people like Cardin, people like ''you'' that force the White Fang to take such drastic measures! :'''Weiss''': People like me!? :'''Blake''': You're discriminatory! :'''Weiss''': I'm a victim! ''[walks to the window]'' You wanna know why I despise the White Fang? Why I don't particularly trust the Faunus? It's because they've been at war with my grandfather's company for years. War as in actual bloodshed. And as far as I could remember, the company has had a target painted on them. Family friends kept disappearing. Board members executed. An entire trainload of dust stolen. Every night, my father would come home from work, furious and that made for a very! Difficult! Childhood! :'''Ruby''': Weiss, I... :'''Weiss''': No! You wanna know why I despise the White Fang? It's because they are a bunch of liars! Thieves! And murderers! :'''Blake''': Well, maybe we were just tired of being pushed around! ===Black and White [Volume 1, Episode 16]=== :'''Ruby''': Blaaake?! :'''Yang''': Blaaake?! :'''Ruby''': Blaaake?! Where are yooouuu?! :'''Yang''': Blake!! :'''Ruby''': Weiss, You're not helping! :'''Weiss''': Oh! You know who might be able to help? The police. :'''Ruby''': Ugh. Weiss... :'''Weiss''': It was just an idea! :'''Ruby''': Yeah, a bad one. :'''Yang''': Weiss, I think we should hear her side of the story before we jump to any conclusions. :'''Weiss''': I think when we hear it, you'll all realize I was right. :'''Penny''': And I think Weiss's hair looks wonderful today! :'''Ruby''': Agh!! Penny!! Where did you come from!? :'''Penny''': Hey Guys. What are you up to? :'''Ruby''': Uuuhhhhh... :'''Yang''': We're looking for our friend Blake. :'''Penny''': Oh... you mean the Faunus girl. :'''Ruby''': Wait, how did you know that? :'''Penny''': Uh, the cat ears? :'''Yang''': What cat ears? She wears a... bow... :''[Long pause]'' :'''Ruby''': ''[Whispers to Yang]'' She ''does'' like tuna a lot... <hr width="50%"> :'''Sun''': ''[offers Blake an apple]'' "I stole you some food." :'''Blake''': Do you always break the law without a second thought? :'''Sun''': Hey, weren't you in a cult or something? :'''Blake''': ''[glares at Sun]'' :'''Sun''': Okay. Too soon. <hr width="50%"> :'''Blake''': Weiss. I want you to know that I'm no longer associated with the White Fang. Back when I was with- :'''Weiss''': Do you have any idea how long we've been searching for you?... Twelve Hours. That means I've had twelve hours to think about this. And in that twelve hours I've decided... ''[Yang, Sun, and Ruby waiting for Weiss to answer]'' I don't care! :'''Blake''': You don't care? :'''Weiss''': You said you're not one of them anymore, right? :'''Blake''': No, I-I haven't been since I was younger- :'''Weiss''': Upupupupup! I don't wanna hear it. All I want know, is that the next time something this big comes up... you'll come to your teammates, and not some... ''[Weiss look at Sun]'' someone else. :'''Blake''': Of course. :'''Ruby''': Yeah! Team RWBY is back together! ''[Team RWBY and Sun come together]'' :'''Weiss''': I'm still not quite sure how I feel about you! :'''Sun''': ''[Nervous laugh]'' == Volume 2 == ===Best Day Ever [Volume 2, Episode 1]=== :''[After teams RWBY and JNPR have a food-fight that nearly destroys the entire dining hall, Goodwitch arrives and promptly fixes everything with a wave of her riding crop]'' :'''Glynda Goodwitch''': Children, please...do not play with your food. :''[Nora belches and Yang crashes back down after Nora launched her through the roof, RWBY and JNPR quietly laugh with one another. Goodwitch starts to grow more angry]'' :'''Professor Ozpin''': Let it go. :'''Glynda Goodwitch''': ''[Calms down and sighs]'' They're supposed to be the defenders of the world. :'''Professor Ozpin''': And they will be. But, right now, they're still children. So, why not let them play the part? After all...it isn't a role they'll have forever. <hr width="50%"> :'''Roman Torchwick''': Oh look, she sent the kids again! ''[ruffles Emerald and Mercury's hair]'' This is turning out just like the ''divorce.'' :'''Emerald Sustrai''': ''[jerks away]'' Ugh. Spare us the thought of you procreating. :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''That'', was a joke. And this.. ''[Picks a card from her pocket]'' ...might just tell me what you two have been doing all day. :'''Emerald Sustrai''': What-? ''[hastily checks her pocket]'' :'''Roman Torchwick''': I'm a ''professional'', sweetheart. Pay attention, Maybe you'll learn something. Why do you have this address? :'''Emerald Sustrai''': Wouldn't you like to know? :'''Roman Torchwick''': Yeah, I ''would''. Now, what were you two doing again? :'''Mercury Black''': Cleaning up ''your problems.'' Well, one of them at least. :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''[sharply]'' I had that ''under control''. :'''Mercury Black''': ''[smirks]'' Two packed bags and a ticket out of Vale said otherwise. :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''[raises his cane]'' Listen you little punk, If it were up to me I would take you and your little street-rat friend here, and I would- :'''Cinder Fall''': Do ''what'', Roman? ''[Cinder appears at the top of the elevator, descending toward them]'' :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''[Chuckles]'' I'd, uh... ''not'' kill them? :'''Emerald Sustrai''': Cinder! :'''Cinder Fall''': I thought I made it clear, that you were to eliminate the would-be runaway. :'''Roma Torchwick''': I was going to! :'''Emerald Sustrai''': He was going to escape to Vacuo. Mercury and I decided to take it upon ourselves to kill the rat. :'''Mercury Black''': I think he was some sort of cat, actually. :'''Emerald Sustrai''': What, like a puma? :'''Mercury Black''': Yeah, there ya go. :'''Cinder Fall''': Quiet. Did I not specifically instruct you two to keep your hands ''clean'' while in Vale? :'''Emerald Sustrai''': I just thought- :'''Cinder''': Don't think... ''Obey. [Behind her, Roman makes a mock throat-slitting gesture]'' :'''Emerald Sustrai''': Yes, ma'am. It won't happen again. :'''Cinder Fall''': And as for you, Roman, why wasn't this job done sooner? :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''[gestures to the warehouse's contents, all around them]'' Uh... eh? Eh? ''EH!?'' Sorry if I've been stealing every last speck of Dust in the kingdom! :'''Mercury Black''': You truly are an inspiration for every punk with a gun and a ski mask. :'''Roman Torchwick''': Look around you, kid. Police routed at every corner, dust prices through the roof, and we're sitting pretty atop more dust, crystals, vials, and rounds than we know what to do with! Speaking of which, if you guys wouldn't mind filling me ''in'' on your grand master plan, it ''might'' actually help my next string of robberies go a little smoother! :'''Cinder Fall''': Oh, Roman... Have a little ''faith. [touches his cheek, her eyes glinting]'' You'll know what you need when you ''need'' to know. ===Welcome to Beacon [Volume 2, Episode 2]=== :'''Ironwood''': But ask yourself this: do you honestly think that your children can win a war? ''[Ironwood leaves.]'' :'''Ozpin''': I hope they never have to. <hr width="50%"> :'''Yang''': Pretty sneaky sis, [[w:Yu-Gi-Oh!|but you've just activated my trap card!]] :'''Ruby''': ''[Shrieked]'' WHAT! :'''Yang''': Giant Nevermore! If I roll a seven or higher, fatal feathers will slice your fleet in two! :'''Ruby''': But, if you roll a six or lower, the Nevermore will turn on your own forces! :'''Yang''': That's a risk that I am willing to take. <hr width="50%"> :'''Yang''': Well, Weiss, it's your turn. :'''Weiss''': I have... absolutely no idea what's going on. :'''Yang''': Look. It's easy. You're playing as Vacuo which means all Vacuo based cards come with a bonus :'''Weiss''': That sounds dumb. :'''Yang''': ''[shuffles through Weiss's cards]'' See, you've got Sandstorm, Desert Scavage, Oh, oh! Resourceful Raider! See, now you could take Ruby's discarded airfleet... ''[Ruby sobs]'' and put it in ''your'' hand! :'''Weiss''': Okay. :'''Yang''': And since Vacuo warriors have an endurance boost against natural hazards, you could use Sandstorm to disable my ground forces and simultaniously infiltrate my kingdom! Just know that I will not forget this declaration of war. :'''Weiss''': And that means... :'''Ruby''': You're just three moves away from conquoring Remnant! :'''Weiss''': ''[Evil laughing]'' YES! FEAR THE ALMIGHTY POWER OF MY FORCES! COWER AS THEY PILLAGE YOUR HOMES AND WEEP AS THEY TAKE YOUR CHILDREN FROM YOUR VERY ARMS-! :'''Yang''': Trap card. :'''Weiss''': Huh? :'''Yang''': Your armies have been destroyed. :'''Weiss''': ''[sobs]'' I hate this game of emotions we play! :'''Ruby''': ''[Crying as well, embracing Weiss]'' Stay strong, Weiss. We'll make it through this together. :'''Weiss''': ''[Reciprocating the hug]'' Shut up! Don't touch me! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jaune''': Hey! Can I play? :'''Ruby''': Sorry Jaune, we've already got four people. :'''Weiss''': Besides, this game requires a certain level of tactical cunning that I seriously doubt you possess. :'''Yang''': Uhh... You attacked your own navel fleet two turns ago. :'''Weiss''': Hmph! :'''Jaune''': Bring it on, Ice Queen! I had you know that I've been told I'm a natural born leader. :'''Weiss''': By who? your mother?! :'''Jaune''': And Pyrrha! :'''Pyrrha''': Hello again! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sun''': 'Sup losers! ''[Sun and Neptune appear]'' :'''Ruby''': Hey, Sun! :'''Sun''': Ruby, Yang, Blake, Ice Queen... :'''Weiss''': Why does everyone keep calling me that!? :'''Sun''': I never got a chance to formally introduce you to my old friend. :'''Neptune''': Uh... aren't libraries for reading? :'''Ren''': ''[Team JNPR is sitting at a table nearby, studying; Nora's sleeping]'' Thank you! :'''Nora''': ''[Jolts awake]'' Pancakes! :'''Sun''': Shut up. Don't be a nerd. :'''Neptune''': Intellectual. Okay. Thank you. I'm Neptune. :'''Weiss''': So, Neptune, where are you from? :'''Neptune''': Haven... And I don't believe I've caught your name, snow angel. :'''Weiss''': Um... I'm Weiss. :'''Jaune''': ''[Having earlier addressed Weiss as "snow angel"] Are you kidding me!? :'''Neptune''': Pleasure to meet you. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ruby''': Let's hatch a plan :'''Yang''': Yeah! :'''Ruby''': Ahh! I left my board game in the library! :'''Weiss''': We're doomed. ===A Minor Hiccup [Volume 2, Episode 3]=== :''[After seeing Sun at the window, Team RWBY backs away]'' :'''Blake''': Sun! :'''Yang''': How did you get up there? :'''Sun''': Ah it's easy. I do it all the time. :'''Weiss''': You do what?! :'''Sun''': I climb trees all the time! ''[Weiss narrows her glare at Sun, who flips into the room]'' So... are we finally getting back at that Torchwick guy? :'''Blake''': WE, are going to investigate the situation. ''[Gestures to the rest of RWBY]'' As a TEAM. :'''Ruby''': Sorry Sun, we don't want to get friends involved if we don't have to. :'''Sun''': Psh! That's dumb! We should always get friends involved. That's why I brought Neptune. :''[RWBY looks out the window, and sees Neptune standing on the ledge right next to the window, back firmly against the wall]'' :'''Neptune''': 'Sup? :'''Ruby''': How did you even get up here? :'''Neptune''': I have my ways. ''[Looks down]'' Seriously though, can I come in? We're like, really high up right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ruby''': All right. I'll go with Weiss. Sun, you can go with Blake. And Neptune, you can go with Yang since she doesn't have a partner. Everyone good? :'''Weiss''': Actually Ruby, why don't you go with Yang, heh. After all she is your sister. :'''Ruby''': But Weiss, who would go with you then? :'''Weiss''': Well, I guess Neptune could come with me. :'''Ruby''': ''[laughs]'' Nah. ''[Walks out of the room, dragging Weiss behind her]'' :'''Weiss''': But! But! ===Painting the Town [Volume 2, Episode 4]=== :'''Gangster #1''': Hurry, close the door she's coming! :''[Two gangsters close the door]'' :'''Junior''': What are you two idiots doing!? :''[Two gangsters trying to talk to Junior, until the door explodes open. Yang walks in]'' :'''Yang''': Guess who's back! :''[A bunch of Junior's "staff" point their guns at Yang. The music being played in the club starts to skip. Yang gives a look to the DJ, who briefly comes out of hiding to turn off the record.]'' :'''Neptune''': Yeah, so could you define "friend" for me? :'''Junior''': Stop, stop! Nobody shoot. Blondie! You're here. Why? :'''Yang''': You still owe me a drink. ''[Yang drags Junior to the bar]'' :'''Neptune''': Whoa, what a woman... ''[looking at Malachite twins]'' 'Sup? :'''Malachite Twins''': ''[Walking away]'' Hmm. Whatever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sun''': I don't get it. If you believe that what you're doing is right, why hide who you are? :'''Blake''': The masks are a symbol. Humanity wanted to make monsters out of us, so we chose to don the faces of monsters. :'''Sun''': Grimm masks? That's kinda dark. :'''Blake''': So is the guy that started it. :'''Sun''': Always sunshine and rainbows with you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Junior''': I don't know :'''Yang''': How can you not know? :'''Junior''': I haven't talked to him. I haven't even seen him since the night you first came in here. He paid upfront, I lent him my men, and none of them ever came back. :'''Neptune''': So where did they go? :'''Junior''': What kind of stupid question is that? They never came back! Who is this guy? :'''Yang''': Don't worry about him. Worry about me if I don't get what I want. :'''Junior''': I haven't seen him since that night! Torchwick hired my boys, and I guess he wasn't happy with them. WHICH IS SOMETHING I CAN RELATE TO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''[Yang tries to fire at him, but her attack gets blocked by Neopolitan]'' Ladies, Ice Queen.. :'''Weiss Schnee''': Hey! :'''Roman Torchwick''': Always a pleasure. Neo, if you would... :''[Neopolitan gives an elegant bow to RWBY. Yang charges at Neo and Roman, but when she strikes them, they shatter to pieces, and they're then seen flying away on an aircraft]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': So, I guess he got a new henchman. :'''Weiss Schnee''': Yeah, I guess she really made our plans..."fall apart", huh? :'''Blake Belladonna''': No, just...no. :'''Weiss Schnee''': What? But you do it! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': There's a time and a place for jokes. :'''Weiss Schnee''': Was this not it? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': No, it was just not very good. :'''Weiss Schnee''': Well, at least I'm trying! :'''Ruby''': Wait, Where are Sun and Neptune? :''[At the noodle house, Sun and Neptune eating noodles]'' :'''Neptune Vasilias''': They're probably fine, right? :'''Sun Wukong''': Probably. ===Extracurricular [Volume 2, Episode 5]=== :'''Jaune''': ''[While playing guitar]'' ♫Weeeiiisssss♫ ''[Then wink]'' ''[Weiss slams the door closed]'' :'''Jaune''': ''[Knocks three times]'' Oh come on. ''[Knocks three times]'' Open the door... I promise not to sing. ''[Weiss opens the door again]'' :'''Jaune''': ''[While playing guitar]'' ♫I liiieed♫ ♫Weiss Schnee, will you accompany me, to the dance on... Sunday!♫ :'''Weiss''': Are you done? :'''Jaune''': ...Yes? :'''Weiss''': NO. ''[Closes the door to Jaune face, then turns to Ruby and Yang]'' What? :'''Yang''': And that's why they call you the Ice Queen. ''[Ruby fell down]'' :'''Weiss''': All my life, boys have only cared about the perks of my last name. Besides, I already have a date in mind. ===Burning the Candle [Volume 2, Episode 6]=== :'''Jaune Arc''': It's Weiss. I'm completely head-over-heels for her, and she won't even give me a chance. She's cold, but she's also incredible. She's smart, and graceful, and talented. I mean, have you heard her sing? I-I just wish she's take me seriously, y'know? I wish I could tell her how I feel without messing it all up. :'''Pyrrha Nikos''': Then do it. :'''Jaune Arc''': Uh, wha-? :'''Pyrrha Nikos''': Tell her exactly what you said. No ridiculous schemes, No pick-up lines. Just... be honest. :'''Jaune Arc''': But, wh- :'''Pyrrha Nikos''': Jaune. You can't get it wrong if it's the truth :'''Jaune Arc''': ... You're right. Thanks, Pyrrha. ''[To Ren]'' Good talk, Ren! ''[Jaune leaves to go to Weiss. Pyrrha smiles until Jaune leaves, then turns somber and walks to the other side of the room. Nora watches her]'' :'''Nora Valkyrie''': ''[sighs]'' Practice what you preach, Pyrrha. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blake Belladonna''': You don't understand! I'm the only one who can do this! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': No...''[Turns to Blake, her eyes now red]'' YOU don't understand! If Roman Torchwick walked through that door right now, what would you do?! :'''Blake Belladonna''': I'd fight him! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[Shoves Blake]'' You'd LOSE! :'''Blake Belladonna''': ''[Shoves Yang back]'' I can stop him! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[Shoves Blake harder]'' You can't even stop ME! ===Dance Dance Infiltration [Volume 2, Episode 7]=== :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Hey, uh... Jaune, right? :'''Jaune Arc''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah. :'''Neptune Vasilias''': This party's pretty lame, huh? I mean, ballroom dancing: Pbbfff. :'''Jaune Arc''': Yeah. :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Cute girls though, huh? :'''Jaune Arc''': ''[Grunt]'' Is that all you think about? :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Huh? :'''Jaune Arc''': D-do you even care about the girls you're hitting on? How they feel about you? :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Whoa, where's this coming from!? :'''Jaune Arc''': How could you turn her down like that? :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Wait, w-who? :'''Jaune Arc''': Weiss! :'''Neptune Vasilias''': I, uh... it, uh... It just didn't work out. Y'know? :'''Jaune Arc''': What? You think you're too cool? Too many other options? ''Weiss Schnee'' asked you to the dance. What in the world could possibly keep you from go- :'''Neptune Vasilias''': I can't dance. :'''Jaune Arc''': Beg your pardon? :'''Neptune Vasilias''': I can't dance, man :'''Jaune Arc''': But, you're... so... cool. :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Thank you. I try really, really, hard. :'''Jaune Arc''': You would rather break a girl's heart, and go to a dance alone, than... just admit to everyone that you can't move in rhythm to music? :'''Neptune Vasilias''': That about sums it up, yeah. :'''Jaune Arc''': Well, I certainly feel a lot better about myself. :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Please don't tell anybody. Look, if you want Weiss, she's all yours; I don't wanna get in your way. :'''Jaune Arc''': ''[sign]'' Do you like her? :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Yeah, I mean, I don't know her too well yet, but she seems pretty cool. :'''Jaune Arc''': Then just go ''talk'' to her. No pickup lines, no suave moves. Just be yourself. I've heard that's the way to go. :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Yeah, but that isn't- :'''Jaune Arc''': Hey, you don't have to look cool all the time. In all honesty, if you could be a little less cool, I'd really appreciate it. :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Yeah. Okay. :'''Jaune Arc''': Go talk to her. I guarantee it'll make her night. :'''Neptune Vasilias''': Thanks. You're a really cool guy, Jaune. :'''Jaune Arc''': Alright, don't lie to my face. ''[both of them fist bump, after Neptune left]'' ''[sign]'' Alright. Only one thing left to do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yang''': ''[sigh]'' Tomorrow it's back to work. :'''Ruby Rose''': Well, I'm sure we can handle whatever gets thrown at us. ''[She notices something and starts laughing]'' Except for ''that.'' ''[Every student continue to laugh, until Pyrrha notices Jaune]'' :'''Pyrrha Nikos''': ...Jaune? ''[Jaune is wearing a dress]'' :'''Jaune Arc''': Promise is a promise. :'''Pyrrha Nikos''': ''[Laughing]'' Jaune, you didn't have to. :'''Jaune Arc''': Hey, an Arc never goes back on his word. Now do you wanna stand there and laugh at me, or do you wanna dance? :'''Pyrrha Nikos''': I would ''love'' to dance. ''[Jaune grabs Pyrrha, and takes her to the dance floor]'' :'''Nora Valkyrie''': Ren! This. is. HAPPENING!!!!! :''' Lie Ren''': Wait. ''What'' is happening? ===Field Trip [Volume 2, Episode 8]=== :''' James Ironwood''': We send as many troops as we can to the southeast, find out exactly what's going on, and eradicate any forces that stand in our way. :'''Glynda Goodwitch''': Why must your answer to everything involve a triumphant display of military bravado?! You treat every situation like it's a contest of measuring di-! :'''Professor Ozpin''': Glynda! :''' Glynda Goodwitch''': Well, he does. :'''Professor Ozpin''': She's right, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yang''': Oh! I know what will cheer you up. :'''Ruby''': What's that? :'''Yang''': ''[After grabbing a mail]'' I don't know yet. Dad sent it to us. I thought we could open it together. :'''Ruby''': ''[High pitched]'' Ooh! Something from home! ''[Rushes to Yang's back to get the mail]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zwei''': Ruh! Ruh! :'''Team RWBY''': Waaa-aaah! :'''Ruby''': Zweeeiii! :'''Blake''': He sent a dog?! :'''Weiss''': In the mail?? :'''Ruby''': *giggles* ''[Zwei licks Ruby face]'' :'''Yang''': Oh he does stuff like this all the time. :'''Ruby''': Stop it, ahaha! ''[Zwei continues licking Ruby face]'' :'''Blake''': ''[On the top bunk bed]'' Your father or your dog? :'''Ruby''': I missed youuu! :'''Weiss''': Are you telling me that this mangy...drooling...mutt is going to wiv with us foweva? Oh, yes he is yes he is! Oh isn't he adorable! :'''Blake''': Please keep it away from my belongings. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ruby''': Beside it won't only be us out there. We'll be fighting alongside a genuine Huntsman! :'''Yang''': Yeah! ''[Scene cuts to RWBY showing different expressions of shock and disbelief as they see who their Huntsman is]'' :'''Oobleck''': Why, hello, girls! Who ready to fight for their lives? '''Search and Destroy [Volume 2, Episode 9]''' :'''Bartholomew Oobleck''': Ruby!''[Rwby drops her scythe]'' I thought I told you to leave all your bags back at school. :'''Ruby Rose''': But, uh you hadn't told us to listen to you yet... So I didn't. :'''Bartholomew Oobleck''': She's not wrong. Very well. Ruby, leave your bag here we can pick it up upon our return. :'''Ruby Rose''': But I-whaa :'''Bartholomew Oobleck''': Young lady, what in the world could you possibly have in that bag that could be so important for you to bring it- ''[Zwei sticks his head out of Ruby's backpack and yips]'' :'''Ruby''': ''[Whisper]'' Get back in the bag. :'''Oobleck''': We're here to investigate an abandoned urban jungle teeming with death and hostility and you brought...a dog? :'''Ruby Rose''': I-uhh...! :'''Bartholomew Oobleck''': Genius! ''[Spin around grab Zwei leaving Ruby to the ground]'' Canines are historically known for their perceptive nose and heightened sense of sound, making them excellent companions for hunts such as ours! ''[Zwei barks]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': I'm a genius. ===Mountain Glenn [Volume 2, Episode 10]=== :'''Yang Xiao long''': Blake, are you awake? :'''Blake Belladonna''': Yeah. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Why do you think [Dr. Oobleck] asked us about being a Huntress? Like, what was he trying to say? :'''Blake Belladonna''': Maybe he was curious. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': You think? :'''Blake Belladonna''': ...No. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[Sighs]'' Weiss, are you awake? :'''Weiss Schnee''': Of course I'm awake, you two are talking! ===No Brakes [Volume 2, Episode 11]=== :'''Oobleck''': Hurry, children! We must get to the front and stop this train! :'''Weiss''': Uh... Professor? :'''Oobleck''': Doctor. :'''Weiss''': What's that? ''[Weiss pointing at a bomb]'' :'''Oobleck''': That, my dear... appears to be a bomb. <hr width="50%"/> ''[After part of the train exploded]'' :'''Oobleck''': That's not good... :'''Ruby''': Uh, neither is this! ''[Ruby sees another bomb]'' :'''Blake''': Another bomb?! ''[Dr. Oobleck checking on another train]'' :'''Oobleck''': No, no, no... ''[Oobleck opens the roof of the train and sees another bomb]'' :'''Oobleck''': They all have bombs! ===Breach [Volume 2, Episode 12]=== :'''Jaune''': Okay, who's first? ''[Big Ursa steps in]'' :'''Jaune''': O-oh-oh-okay. You're first, huh? Ha-ha okay. No, that's-that's fine. ''[Pyrrha kills three Grimm, and sees Jaune facing off the big Ursa]'' :'''Jaune''': Totally fine, done this before. Done this before. ''[sigh]'' ''[Jaune starts to swing his sword a couple times, but the big Ursa doesn't collapse until five seconds later. Pyrrha smiles at him]'' ''[Sun and Neptune appear]'' :'''Sun''': Nobody move, Junior Detectives! :'''Neptune''': We have badges, so you know it's official. ''[Both of them fistbump]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yang''': Well...we did it. :'''Blake''': We did it. :'''Weiss''': If we don't get extra credit for that, I'm going to be seriously disappointed. :'''Yang''': Weiss, a two-headed snake literally crushed a bakery. I wouldn't count on it. :'''Ruby''': Plus, I mean, we didn't solve everything. A lot of people were hurt, and we still don't even know why they did this, or who that mystery girl was. :'''Weiss''': Well, not every story has a neat and tidy ending. :'''Blake''': We may not have all the answers, but we do have a lot of dangerous people behind bars, and I think that's something we can be proud of. :'''Ruby''': Yeah, and if somebody tries something like this again, we'll be there to stop them. :'''Yang''': ''[Stretches and lays back, replies with no emotion]'' Yay, teamwork, camaraderie, good guys, go team, alright, good job. So...what now? :'''Weiss''': I'd suggest training for the tournament, but I think we have that covered at this point. :'''Blake''': So, then...? :'''Ruby''': Uh, time for bed? :'''Weiss''': Oh, please, yes. :'''Blake''': Absolutely. :'''Yang''': I'm going to sleep forever. == Volume 3 == ===Round One [Volume 3, Episode 1]=== ''[RWBY fights team ABRN. Yang nearly gets attacked by Nadir. Ruby stops him]'' :'''Ruby''': I got your back! :'''Bolin Hori''': ''[About to attack Ruby]'' Who's got yours? ''[He gets knocked away by Weiss]'' :'''Ruby''': My BFF! :'''Weiss''': NO. :'''Ruby''': ''(Whispers to herself)'' YES! <hr width="50%"/> ''[RWBY goes to a noodles stand to eat]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': I'll have a bowl of the regular, please. ''[A big bowl of noodles is put in front of her]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': Uhh...I'll take the same. ''[A bowl is placed in front of her]'' :'''Weiss Schnee''': Hmm, do you have a low salt-? ''[A bowl looking exactly like Ruby and Yang's is put in front of her]'' Umm...okay... :'''Blake Belladonna''': ''[Gives a knowing nod to the vendor, the Old Man, who nods back and rushes back into the kitchen then hurries back, placing a bowl of noodles with fish on top in front of Blake. She gasps and turns starry-eyed, drooling, her heart audibly pounding]'' Ohhhhh.... :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[Weiss produces a credit card to pay]'' Aw, Weiss, what's the occasion? :'''Weiss Schnee''': Consider it "Thanks for sending you to the doubles round." ''[Her card is thrown back like a throwing star, embedding itself in the counter, to the shock of the whole team. The Old Man clears his throat and points to the cash register, which says "DECLINED"]'' What? How can my card be declined? I was barely into my monthly allowance! :'''Blake Belladonna''': ''[Glances around and tries to take her bowl, but it's taken away by the Old Man]'' Nooo... :'''Pyrrha Nikos''': Maybe I can help? ''[Team JNPR appears]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': Pyrrha! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Aw, you don't have to! :'''Blake Belladonna''': BUT SHE COULD! ''[Moments Team RWBY and Team JNPR have finished eating. Both Weiss and Jaune look uncomfortably full]'' :'''Lie Ren''': Are you sure it's wise to have eaten before a fight? :'''Pyrrha Nikos''': Of course. It will give us energy. ''[Nora lets out a very loud burp]'' :'''Jaune Arc''': ''[Gives a sick groan]'' If I barf, I'm blaming you. :'''Nora Valkyrie''': Ooo! Aim it at the enemy! :'''Lie Ren''': Nora, that's disgusting. But, if you ''do'' feel the urge... :'''Jaune Arc''': Got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nora''': We've got a world-renowed fighter on our team, what's basically a ninja, I can bench five of me, ...Jaune, we've trained all year, our weapons are awesome, Glynda barely yells at us anymore, and uh... Jaune! :'''Ren''': Are you gonna take that? :'''Jaune''': She's not wrong... :'''Nora''': I'm kidding! He know I'm kidding. Don't be so nervous! The worst that could happen is we lose! Then it's just a few more years of walking around school with everyone knowing we're failures, our friends will slowly abandon us to preserve their social status, ''[Starting to be nervous]'' we won't be able to show our faces in class, ''[Turning white]'' no one will sit with us in the cafeteria, Ren and I have no parents, we have no home left to go to, we'll be officially renamed Team LOSER-per! Ah ha ha ha ha! ''[Sobbing]'' :'''Ren''': Sooo yeah. We're feeling pretty good. :'''Pyrrha''': Don't fret. If anything, we should looking forward to a fight with actual guidelines and not... Well, murderers. :'''Yang''': Yeah don't sweat it! We've all faced way worse before. :'''Blake''': Let's see: Grimm Invasion, violent extremists, a destructive sociopath. :'''Ruby''': And that's all while we were still in training! Oh, imagine what it'll be like when we graduate! :'''Weiss Schnee''': ''[wistfully]'' Maybe ''then'' I'll be able to pay for a meal. ===New Challengers [Volume 3, Episode 2]=== :'''Jaune''': This is it, guys! Let's finish 'em with team attacks! Nora, Ren, Flower Power! :'''Nora''': Wait... What? :'''Jaune''': F-Flower Power. ''[Pyrrha, Nora, and Ren just shrug]'' That's your team attack name. :'''Ren''': Since... when? :'''Jaune''': Guys, we went over this! Flower Power is Ren and Nora. Ren brings the flower, Nora brings the power. :'''Ren''': How do I bring a flower? :'''Nora''': No, silly! Not 'a flower'! Flour! Like in baking! :'''Ren''': Why would I bring that? :'''Jaune''': I, uh, no, it's your symbol! :'''Pyrrha''': So... what are we? :'''Jaune''': Pyrrha! :'''Pyrrha''': Sorry! I just wanna make sure it's clearly defined. ''[Team BRNZ still listen to Team JNPR]'' :'''Jaune''': ''[distantly]'' Pyrrha, you and I are Arkos. It's the thing, where we take our shields, remember? :'''Pyrrha''': Arkos? :'''Jaune''': Yeah. It's our names put together? :'''Pyrrha''': Right... no, I get it. :'''Jaune''': What, do you not like it? :'''Pyrrha''': No, no, it's... good? :'''Nora''': Mmm, I sensed hesitation! :'''Brawnz''': Hey! :'''Team JNPR''': Huh? :'''Brawnz''': What do you think you doing?! :'''Jaune''': Trying to have a team meeting, thank you very little. :'''Nora''': ''[Angrily]'' Yeah! Team ears only! :'''Brawnz''': We in the middle of a fight! :'''Jaune''': ''[Yelled]'' And we're in the middle of the conversation! What don't you get about that?! :'''Pyrrha''': Um, Jaune? :'''Jaune''': Yes, Pyrrha?! :'''Pyrrha''': I think he means that we're ALL in the middle of the fight? ''[Crowd jeering]'' :'''Jaune''': ''[Sign]'' Nora, just... hit them with the hammer. :'''Nora''': ...GOT IT. :'''Brawnz''': Wait... what?! ''[Nora hits all of BRNZ at once with her hammer]'' :'''Team BRNZ''': Ah! ''[Team BRNZ crash to the side wall]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Weiss''': Good luck, Neptune! ''[Neptune sees NDGO and flirts]'' :'''Neptune''': Ladies... :'''Weiss''': ''[Angrily and yelled]'' BREAK HIS STUPID FACE, NDGO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neptune''': Alright girls, try and remember. Hands above the waist. :'''Sun''': Ignore him, for he...yeah, he's dumb. ''[Neptune wink]'' <hr width="50%"/> ''[After NDGO got desert]'' :'''Nebula''': Alright, home field advantage :'''Sun''': Don't get to cocky, that's my turf too. :'''Scarlet''': I hope I don't get sand in my shoes. :'''Neptune''': Be cool, man. :'''Gwen''': Hey, the ocean! :'''Neptune''': HUH?! ''[look at the water symbol and gets scared]'' :'''Ruby''': Uh... what's wrong with Neptune? :'''Blake''': Oh no... ''[The ocean appears on the battlefield, and Neptune freezes in horror]'' :'''Blake''': Neptune's... afraid of the water. :'''Oobleck''': Three, two, one, begin! ''[Neptune rush to the desert]'' :'''Sun''': Neptune! What are you doing? :'''Neptune''': Oh, you know, just, uh, getting to higher ground. :'''Sun''': On the enemy's side?! ''[Scarlet drops his jacket]'' :'''Neptune''': They would never expect it! :'''Dew''': He's not wrong. <hr width="50%"/> ''[After Team SSSN beats Team NDGO when Neptune electrifies the water, shocking out NDGO]'' :'''Professor Port''': And with that, Team SSSN moves on to the doubles round. You know what I call that victory? :'''Dr. Oobleck''': "Shocking"? :'''Professor Port''': No, "well-earned". What you said is stupid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ruby''': Aw, that was so close! :'''Yang''': Looks like the dorks made it to the next round. ''[Blake watches Sun and Neptune celebrate their win over NDGO. Sun turns to Blake and points to her with a wink]'' :'''Blake''': ''[Blushes]'' Emphasis on "dork". :'''Oobleck''': ''[Microphone]'' That concludes the matches for today. Please leave the coliseum in a CALM AND ORDERLY FASHION! :'''Yang''': Come on, let's go congratulate' em! ===It's Brawl in the Family [Volume 3, Episode 3]=== :'''Winter''': Beacon, it's been a long time. The air feels, different. :'''Ruby''': I mean it is fall so it's probably colder... ''[Weiss punch Ruby on her right shoulder]'' :'''Ruby''': Ahh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Winter''': ''[sigh]'' How have you been! :'''Weiss''': - Oh, splendid! Thank you for asking. I'm actually in the very top ranking of our sparring class. The rest of my studies are going wonderful too. I'm- ''[Winter slap Weiss on the head]'' :'''Winter''': Silence, you boob! I don't recall asking about ranking. I asked how you've been. Are you eating properly? Have you taken up any hobbies? Are you making new friends? :'''Weiss''': Well, there's Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[Snorts]'' Boob. ''[After fixing a bump on Weiss's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Qrow''': Hey, ''[Weiss and Winter turn around]'' yeah! I talking to you, Ice Queen. :'''Winter''': Halt! :'''Weiss''': Excuse me? ''[Walking toward Qrow]'' Do you have any idea who you talking to? :'''Qrow''': ''[Holds Weiss head]'' Sssshhhh, Not you. ''[Pushes Weiss away]'' :'''Weiss''': Hey! :'''Qrow''': ''[Walking toward Winter]'' YOU. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ruby''': What's going on?! :'''Weiss''': Some crazy guy just started attacking my sister! :'''Ruby''': Oh, no! Who would do such a th-aaaaat is my uncle! :'''Weiss''': What?! :'''Ruby''': Kick her butt, Uncle Qrow! :'''Weiss''': Uhh, teach him respect, Winter! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ruby''': UNCLE QROWWWWWWWW! ''[She rushes to him and jumps onto his arm, hanging on]'' Hi...Oh, it's so good to see you! Did you miss me? Did you miss me?! :'''Qrow''': ''[Smiles and ruffles Ruby's hair]'' Nope. :'''Ozpin''': Qrow. A word, please. :'''Qrow''': ''[Aside to Ruby]'' I think I'm in trouble. :'''Ruby''': Well, you did tear up our courtyard. :'''Qrow''': Yeah, I did. ''[Winks and bumps fists with Ruby]'' Catch you later, kid. ''[Qrow leaves with Ozpin while Goodwitch repairs the damage from Qrow's fight with Winter.]'' :'''Weiss''': ''[To Ruby]'' And, suddenly, your recklessness makes sense. :'''Ruby''': ''[Elbows Weiss]'' You're just mad, 'cause he whooped butt. :'''Weiss''': That was a draw, at best! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Winter''': What were you thinking? :'''Ironwood''': If you were one of my men, I'd have you shot! :'''Qrow''': If I was one of your men, I'd shoot myself. :'''Goodwitch''': While I wouldn't condone his behavior, retaliating like you did certainly didn't help the situation. :'''Winter''': He was drunk! :'''Goodwitch''': He's ''always'' drunk. ''[They turn and see Qrow drinking from his flask. He sees them staring at him and stops drinking with a shrug]'' ===Lessons Learned [Volume 3, Episode 4]=== :'''Coco''': Hey, ''[Lowers her sunglasses]'' Love the outfit, kid. :'''Emerald''': I'll try not to get blood on it! :'''Yatsuhashi''': ''[stands up]'' I can't promise you'll leave without a scratch. :'''Emerald''': ''I'' won't be the one bleeding. :'''Coco''': Oooh, I like her! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coco''': ''[After her sunglasses break]'' I take it back; I ''don't' like her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Qrow''': I come across a small village in the swamps West of Mistaral. Right off the bat, I knew something wasn't right. :'''Ruby''': What were you doing there? :'''Qrow''': I needed information. Tired from battling Grimm along the way, I decided to start my search at the town's Inn. The place was crawling with low-lifes and thugs, even a few Huntsmen I could only assume had been hired by less than reputable people for less than respectable jobs. And that's when it happened. :'''Yang''': What happened? :'''Qrow''': I was defeated... by the mere sight... of the Inn Keeper's skirt length! ''[Yang throw a pillow at Qrow, after that story and also beating her in the video game]'' :'''Game Announcer''': Soaring Ninja, Wins. Total Annihilation! :'''Yang''': You are the worst! ''[Qrow and Ruby start to laugh]'' :'''Qrow''': Best two out of three? :'''Ruby''': So, Uncle Qrow, did you get in trouble with Ozpin? :'''Qrow''': Nah, me and Oz go way back. We're cool. :'''Yang''': Tch, cool for a old guy. :'''Qrow''': Not funny. ===Never Miss a Beat [Volume 3, Episode 5]=== :'''Ruby''': So is she... your friend or... :'''Penny''': She's like Blake, but if Blake was ordered to spend time with you. :'''Ruby''': Oh. So, Weiss. :'''Penny''': Precisely! <hr width="50%"/> ''[After Flynt Coal blame Weiss, that her father close his father Dust shop]'' :'''Yang''': Hey! Why don't you- :'''Neon Katt''': Hey! Why don't you... That's what you sound like! :'''Yang''': Uh... :'''Neon Katt''': Hey! Where did you get your hair extensions? :'''Yang''': This is just my normal hair... :'''Neon Katt''': Ooh! Really? :'''Yang''': Yeah! Is that a prob- :'''Neon Katt''': You should try rollerblading sometime. It's suuuper-fun! It probably would take you a while, since you're so, you know..."top-heavy". :'''Yang''': ''[Yang looks at her chest]'' EXCUSE ME? :'''Ruby''': ''[Watching in the stands with Blake, quietly]'' Oh, here we go... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neon Katt''': ''[After freezing Yang right leg]'' Hmm-mmm, Look! Now you're ''[spanks her butt] "bottom-heavy" too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neon Katt''': Ooh! Flashy eyes! You know, you're actually look kinda pretty while you're angry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neon Katt''': Never miss a beat, never miss a beat, Never... miss a... ''[Trying not to fall, until she trips on a crack in the floor]'' ...beat? ''[Neon starts to roll to a geyser, leaving an opening for Yang, who blasts her]'' :'''Neon Katt''': AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! ''[The blast explodes, and Neon Katt is eliminated] ''[Crowd cheer]'' ''[Yang started to breathe for 3 seconds]'' :'''Yang''': ''[After her eyes turn back to normal]'' Weiss! ''[Yang rush to Weiss]'' Weiss! Are you okay? :'''Weiss''': ''[Coughs]'' I may not be singing for a while... :'''Yang''': You know...I don't think that was proper form. :'''Weiss''': Oh ha, ha! ''[coughs]'' :'''Neon Katt''': ''[high pitched]'' WHAT?! We lost?! We lost?! Team FNKI lost?! That was... That was... AMAZING!! Oh my gosh you guys were super crazy awesome! We should DEFINITELY party together sometimes! Right, Flynt? :'''Flynt Coal''': That was a gutsy move, Schnee...I dig it. ''[Ruby and Blake rush to their teammates]'' :'''Blake''': Good job you two! :'''Ruby''': Yeah! ===Fall [Volume 3, Episode 6]=== ''[After Yang defeats Mercury]'' :'''Ruby''': Yeah! You did it, sis! :'''Blake''': Way a go, Yang! :'''Yang''': Better luck next time. :'''Mercury''': ''[suddenly menacing]'' There's not going to ''be'' a next time, Blondie! ===Beginning of the End [Volume 3, Episode 7]=== :'''Mercury''': Oh, Doc! Tell me! Will I ever walk again? ''[Emerald hits Mercury]'' Ow! What's your deal? :'''Emerald''': Ugh, headache. One mind I can handle, but two is a stretch. <hr width="50%"/> ''[Emerald turns off the TV]'' :'''Mercury''': Hey, I was watching that! :'''Emerald''': Shut up! :'''Mercury''': Is this how you treat a patient? ''[Emerald twists a screwdriver on Mercury robotic leg]'' Ow! Too tight! :'''Cinder''': Enough. Our Mercury put on a wonderful show. He was quite brave. :'''Mercury''': These things aren't exactly cheap ya know. ===Destiny [Volume 3, Episode 8]=== :'''Nora''': You heard the lady! No more moping around! ''[Changes into a workout attire]'' We gotta get your butt in shape for the big fight! It could be today! It could be tomorrow! It could be ''[while lifting 1000 LB weights]'' the most important fight of your entire life! ''[Then falls down]'' :'''Pyrrha''': Um... :'''Ren''': Nora's right. ''[Wearing an apron that says "Please do nothing to the cook"]'' You can't let your concern for Yang hold you back. You need to focus. You'll be defending the honor of Beacon Academy. :'''Pyrrha''': Of course. I- :'''Ren''': ''[Giving Pyrrha a cup of what appears to be green sludge]'' This blend of herbs and vegetables is filled with nutrients vital to your body's well being. :'''Pyrrha''': Oh... that's- :'''Ren''': Please, there's no need to thank me. :'''Nora''': Thank you?! Ugh, that looks like slime from a lake-bed! :'''Ren''': Algae contains numerous spectacular properties. See for yourself. ''[Nora starts to drink Ren's special shake, her face turn green]'' :'''Nora''': Ugh! ''[rush to the trash can and vomits, while Pyrrha grins]'' What is wrong with you? :'''Ren''': Me? You're the one that wasted perfectly good juice. :'''Nora''': We're supposed to help Pyrrha, not poison her! :'''Ren''': There was absolutely nothing wrong with that. :'''Nora''': If it looks the same coming up as it does going down, then there's something wrong! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Qrow''': Hey there, fire-cracker. :'''Yang''': Hey Qrow... :'''Qrow''': So why'd you do it? :'''Yang''': You know why. :'''Qrow''': All I know is that you attacked a helpless kid. So either you're lying, or you're crazy. :'''Yang''': I'm NOT lying. :'''Qrow''': Hm, crazy. Got it. ===PvP [Volume 3, Episode 9]=== ''[All of Remnant has watched Pyrrha accidentally destroy Penny in the Tournament Final, revealing her android nature]'' :'''Bartholomew Oobleck''': ''[into his earpiece]'' Broadcast, what are you doing?! Kill the feed! :'''Broadcast''': Something's wrong! We don't have control over the cameras! We can't even shut off the broadcast! :'''Bartholomew Oobleck''': What?! How is that even possible? ''[The coverage on-screen is suddenly overcast with the image of a black Chess Queen, illuminated in red.] :'''Cinder Fall''': ''[over the speakers]'' This... is ''not'' a tragedy. This... was ''not'' an accident. This is what happens, when you sacrifice your trust- your safety- your ''children''- to men who claim to be our guardians. ''[As the audience reacts with increasing surprise, anger and fear, Cinder is shown standing atop Beacon Academy, speaking into her Scroll]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': But are, in reality... nothing more than ''men.'' Our Academies' Headmasters wield more power than most armies, and one was audacious enough to control ''both.'' They cling to this power in the name of peace, and yet, what do we have to show for it? One nation's attempt a synthetic army, mercilessly torn apart by another's star pupil. What need would ''Atlas'' have, for a soldier disguised as an innocent little girl? I don't think the ''Grimm'' can tell the difference. ''[In the stands, Ironwood angrily leaves his seat, while Pyrrha stares tearfully at Penny's remains. At the food stands, Weiss looks sad, while Blake looks angry; in the dorms, Yang grips the windowsill, looking worried.]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': And what, may I ask you, is Ozpin teaching ''his'' students? First a dismemberment, now this?! Huntsmen and Huntresses should carry themselves with honor and mercy, yet I have witnessed neither. Perhaps Ozpin felt as though defeating Atlas in the tournament, would help people forget his ''collossal'' failure to protect Vale, when the Grimm invaded its' streets. Or perhaps... this was his message, to the tyrannical dictator, that has occupied an unsuspecting kingdom with armed forces. ''[Ozpin watches from his office in Beacon Tower]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': Honestly? I haven't the slightest clue as to who is right and who is wrong. But I know that the existence of peace, is fragile... and the leaders of our Kingdoms, conduct their business with ''iron gloves''. ''[Emerald discreetly ducks out of the stands]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': As someone who hails from Mistral, I can assure you... the situation there is... ''equally'' undesireable. Our Kingdoms are at the brink of war, yet we, the citizens, are kept in the dark! ''[Drawn by the magnified negative emotions, hordes of Grimm begin to charge out of the fog near Vale; the Atlesian guards fire on them]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': So, I ask you... when the first shots are fired... who do ''you'' think you can trust? ''[The screens go dark]'' :'''Bartholomew Oobleck''': The feeds are all jammed! We can't get a message out! :'''Peter Port''': Will ''somebody'' tell me what in the world is happening?! ''[An alarm siren begins to wail]'' :'''Automated Voice''': ALERT: INCOMING GRIMM ATTACK. THREAT LEVEL: 9. PLEASE SEEK SHELTER IN A CALM AND ORDERLY MANNER. ''[The audience begins to panic and flee the stands. Ironwood bursts into the announcer's booth and grabs the microphone.]'' :'''James Ironwood''': Ladies and gentlemen, ''please'', there is no need for panic- ''[He is interrupted by a loud screech as a giant flying Grimm slams into the Dust shield atop the Colosseum.]'' :'''Sun Wukong''': A Nevermore?! :'''Coco Adel''': How'd it get past the Kingdom's defenses?! :'''Lie Ren''': ''[grimly]'' It wasn't ''alone.'' ''[As Oz grabs his cane, Glynda and Qrow burst into his office]'' :'''Qrow Branwen''': Oz- :'''Professor Ozpin''': Get to the city! :'''Qrow Branwen''': But- :'''Professor Ozpin''': ''Now!'' ''[He calls Ironwood's scroll, as more Grimm are shown stirring in Mountain Glenn]'' :'''James Ironwood''': Ozpin! The girl, I- I can explain- :'''Professor Ozpin''': ''[sharply]'' You brought ''your'' Army to my Kingdom, James. ''Use it!'' ---- :'''Atlesian Commander''': Dammit! ''[into his Scroll]'' This is Blue Four. Blues Two and Three, fall into defensive position! :'''Atlesian Officer''': Roger! Blue Three, in position! :'''Atlesian Commander''': Blue Two, what's your status?! ''[The bridge of Blue Two is shown full of sparking screens and dead Atlesians; an unseen officer walks past them, shown only below the waist, as alarms blare]'' :'''Atlesian Commander''': Blue Two, ''come in!'' Someone answer me, dammit! ''[The officer enters the ship's brig carrying an ornate parasol, revealed to be Neopolitan. Smirking, she opens one of the cells, twirling a familiar-looking bowler hat and cane in her other hand...]'' :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''[leans forward, grinning]'' Well... it's about ''time''. ''[Blue Two suddenly turns and fires its' cannons into Blue Four, sending it careening into Blue Three]'' :'''Atlesian Commander''': ''We're hit!'' What's going- ''[he is cut off by explosions as both ships crash into a cliff. Roman and Neo are shown standing on the bridge of Blue Two]'' :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''[laughs maniacally]'' Oh, it is ''good'' to be back! ===Battle of Beacon [Volume 3, Episode 10]=== ''[After defeating the Nevermore]'' :'''Pyrrha''': Ruby... ''[In tears]'' I am ''so'' sorry! :'''Ruby''': Me too... But it wasn't your fault. :'''Jaune''': She's right. ''[Jaune bring Pyrrha's weapon to her]'' Whoever was on the microphone- they're the one that did this! And we have to make sure they don't take anyone else. ---- ''[As Ironwood finishes killing a Beowulf Alpha, Ruby and her friends emerge from the Colosseum]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': What's going on?! :'''James Ironwood''': Grimm are crawling all over the city. The White Fang has invaded Beacon, and to make matters worse, some... vagabond, has seized one of my ships. Until we regain command, the skies are out of our control. So I'm- ''[He raises his pistol, shooting down a Creep approaching the students from behind]'' :'''James Ironwood''': -Going to take it ''back.'' ''[moves to board his airship]'' :'''Jaune Arc''': What should ''we'' do? :'''James Ironwood''': You have two choices. Defend your Kingdom, and your school... or save yourselves. ''[The students glance at each other]'' :'''James Ironwood''': ''[reassuringly]'' No one will fault you, if you leave. ''[to his android soldiers]'' Let's move out! ''[As his ship flies away, the students look at each other again]'' :'''Sun Wukong''': I mean... come on! ===Heroes and Monsters [Volume 3, Episode 11]=== ''[As Ruby battles Neopolitan atop the Atlesian airship, Roman arrives and fires at her, knocking her across the deck; he approaches and leans over her]'' :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''[mockingly]'' Little Red, little Red. You are just ''determined'' to be the hero of Vale, aren't'cha? :'''Ruby Rose''': What are you doing?! Without these ships, the Grimm will destroy everything! :'''Roman Torchwick''': That's the plan! ''[he aims Melodic Cudgel, but she knocks it sideways as he fires. Springing up, she dodges Neo's attack, staggers to the edge of the ship, then jumps back as a Nevermore swoops past.]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': But why? What do you ''get'' out of it?! :'''Roman Torchwick''': You're asking the wrong questions, Red. It's not what I have to ''gain'', it's that I can't afford to ''lose!'' ''[Ruby charges him, but Roman ducks as Neo vaults over his shoulder, forcing Ruby back. As Ruby slashes, Neo hooks Crescent Rose from her grip with Hush and spin-kicks her in the side. Roman ricochets Melodic Cudgel at Ruby, catches it and fires over his shoulder, blasting her off the ship; she catches onto Crescent Rose, embedded in its' side. She kicks at a Griffon that approaches her]'' :'''Roman Torchwick''': I maybe a gambling man, but even ''I'' know there are some bets you ''just don't take.'' ''[Neo extends Hush's rapier blade and drags it across the deck, throwing up sparks. As she approaches, Ruby notices a button on the parasol's handle]'' :'''Roman Torchwick''': Like it or not, the people who hired me are going to change the world! You can't stop 'em, ''I'' can't stop em, and you know the old saying. "If you can't beat 'em-" ''[Ruby lunges up and presses Hush's button, causing it to open, catch the wind, yank a shocked Neo off the ship and sweep her away]'' :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''[horrified] NEO!'' :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[climbing back up]'' I don't care what you say! We ''will'' stop them, and ''I'' will stop you! BET ON THAT! ''[As she speeds forward, Roman fires another Dust flare, scattering it with Melodic Cudgel's hook. As Ruby is thrown backward, he cane-clubs her, then fires again at point-blank range, knocking her down]'' :'''Roman Torchwick''': ''[Angrily, as he advances]'' You got spirit, kid. But this, is the ''REAL WORLD! [he clubs her again]'' The real world is ''COLD! [clubs her again]'' The ''real'' world, doesn't ''CARE'' about spirit! ''[Ruby kicks him in the shin, and he jumps back, growling]'' :'''Roman Torchwick''': You want to be a hero?! Then play the part, and ''DIE'' like every other Huntsman in history! [''He clubs her back down as she rises, not noticing that several Grimm are circling above them, drawn by his negative emotions]'' As for ''me'', I'll do what I do best: lie, steal, cheat... and ''SURVIVE!'' ''[As he raises Melodic Cudgel again, a Griffon suddenly swoops down, seizes him in its' jaws, and devours him whole]'' <hr width="50%"/> ''[Blake has been knocked down while fighting Adam during the Battle of Beacon Academy]'' :'''Adam Taurus''': This could have been ''OUR'' day! Can't you see that?! :'''Blake Belladonna''': I never wanted ''this!'' I wanted equality- I wanted ''peace!'' ''[She rises into a kneeling position and fires Gambol Shroud's pistol at Adam, but he blocks the shots with Wilt's blade, absorbing their energy]'' :'''Adam Taurus''': What you ''want'' is IMPOSSIBLE! ''[he backhands her across the face, knocking her down]'' But I understand. Because all I want... is ''you'', Blake. ''[Blake raises her gun again, but Adam kicks it from her hand.]'' :'''Adam Taurus''': And, as I set out upon this world, to deliver the ''justice'' mankind so greatly deserves...''[crouches and gestures in her face]'' I will make it my mission, to destroy ''everything'' you love. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[nearby]'' Blake! Blake, where are you?! ''[Yang comes into view outside the broken window, decking a White Fang member. Adam quickly glances from her, to Blake's horrified expression]'' :'''Adam Taurus''': ...Starting with ''her''. ===End of the Beginning [Volume 3, Episode 12]=== ''[After a prolonged battle, Cinder has disarmed Pyrrha, broken her Aura, and crippled her with an arrow through her heel. Circling her victim, she approaches, lifting her chin]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': ''[smugly]'' It's a shame you were promised a power, that was ''never'' truly yours. But, take comfort in knowing, that ''I'' will use it, in ways you could never ''imagine.'' :'''Pyrrha Nikos''': ''[pulls away from Cinder's grip, glaring at her]'' ...Do you believe in destiny? ''[Cinder's smile fades as she steps back, conjuring an obsidian bow and arrow with her Semblance]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': ...''Yes.'' ''[Just as Ruby reaches the top of the tower, Cinder fires her arrow into Pyrrha's chest. As Pyrrha convulses, Cinder approaches and touches her head, incinerating her with her Semblance until all that remains is Pyrrha's circlet, which she drops on the ground. Ruby watches this with an expression of horror and rage.]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': '''PYRRHA!!!!!''' ''[A burst of white light shoots out of her eyes, causing the Grimm Dragon to screech in agony and freeze]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': WHAT?! ''[The light engulfs her as well]'' <hr width="50%"/> ''[Ruby awakens in her home at Patch, with her father sitting next to her bed, asleep. She groans as she sits up, awakening him]'' :'''Taiyang Xiao Long''': Ruby! ''[He moves next to her]'' You're awake! :'''Ruby Rose''': What... happened? :'''Taiyang Xiao Long''': ''[sighs]'' Your uncle Qrow found you, unconscious. He got you out of there, though, he brought you home safe. :'''Ruby Rose''':... Wait! Yang! Is she alright?! :'''Taiyang Xiao Long''': ''[his face falls]'' Uh...She's, uh... she's gonna be alright. I think she's just... I think it's just gonna take some time, for her to get used to things. ''[Ruby looks down, sadly]'' She's too strong, to let this stop her. ''[wipes his eyes and smiles]'' I'm just glad to have my girls back at home. :'''Ruby Rose''': What happened to the school? And Vale! Were they able to clear out the Grimm? :'''Taiyang Xiao Long''': Things at ''Vale'' are under control. But, the school? It's... it's not that simple. That thing, whatever it is, doesn't seem to be dead. Don't get me wrong, you... did a ''number'' on it...But, it's not disappearing. It's... kind of... ''frozen''. I know that doesn't sound too bad, but it keeps attracting more Grimm to the school. :'''Ruby Rose''':... I did ''what?'' :'''Taiyang Xiao Long''': Hmmm? :'''Ruby Rose''': You said, I did a number on it. What do you mean? :'''Tiaying Xiao Long''': I... look, that's not important right now, we can talk about it later. Things are just... kind of a mess. :'''Qrow Branwen''': ''[from the doorway]'' It's ''always'' a mess. ''[swigs the last contents of his hip flask]'' Mind if we have a minute? :'''Tiayang Xiao Long''': What, I can't stay here? :'''Qrow Branwen''': Tai, please. ''[Taiyang sighs, leans over and kisses Ruby's forehead]'' :'''Taiyang Xiao Long''': I'm glad you're alright. I'll go make us some tea. ''[Tai leaves, shooting Qrow a dark look as he passes. Qrow drags a chair over and sits next to Ruby.]'' :'''Qrow Branwen''': So... how you feeling? :'''Ruby Rose''': Um... I, kind of hurt... all over. :'''Qrow Branwen''': ''[chuckles, folds his arms]'' That makes sense, after what you did. :'''Ruby Rose''': You guys keep saying that! That I ''did'' something. What are you talking about?! :'''Qrow Branwen''': ''[leans forward]'' What's the last thing you remember? :'''Ruby Rose''':... I ran up the side of the Tower. And when I got to the top, I- ''[gasps in horror]'' Pyrrha! Is she- :'''Qrow Branwen''': ''[nods, softly]'' ...She's gone. ''[Ruby looks away]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[tearfully]'' I... I got to the top, and I saw Pyrrha... ''[clenching her fists]'' And ''Cinder.'' And then, everything went white! :'''Qrow Branwen''':... Anything else? :'''Ruby Rose''': I remember... my head hurting. :'''Qrow Branwen''': The night you met Ozpin... what was the first thing, he said to you? :'''Ruby Rose''': I... I don't know. I think it was something about- :'''Qrow Branwen''': ''Silver eyes. [Ruby looks up]'' That's an ''extremely'' rare trait. :'''Ruby Rose''': So? :'''Qrow Branwen''':... You're special, Ruby. And ''not'' in the 'Daddy loves his special angel' kind of way. You're special the same way your ''Mom'' was. Remnant's full of legends and stories. Some of 'em true, some made up. But there's one Oz told me, from a very long time ago. Back before Huntsmen, before ''Kingdoms''. It was said that those with silver eyes, were destined to lead the life of a warrior. You see, the creatures of Grimm- the most fearsome monsters mankind had ever encountered- were ''afraid'', of those silver-eyed warriors. They were the best of the best. It was said that even a single ''look'' from one of these fighters, could strike a Grimm down. ''[smiles]'' It's a ridiculous story... :'''Ruby Rose''': But... you think that, I might be... :'''Qrow Branwen''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, a giant monster's currently ''frozen'' on top of Beacon Tower... and ''you're'' here, safe in bed. ''[stands up, looks out the window]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': Wait... Wait, how did ''you'' know what Ozpin said to me? The night we met. :'''Qrow Branwen''': All those missions I go on, all those times I'm away, in some far-off place... It's been for Ozpin. But he's missing, now. Something's been set in motion... and with Oz gone, I'll have to pick up, where he left off. :'''Ruby Rose''': Then what can ''I'' do? ''[Qrow turns back to her]'' If I'm so special, then I can help, right? :'''Qrow Branwen''': ''[sighs]'' You really wanna help? Get some rest. You're in no condition to go anywhere, right now. ''[moves to the door, turns back briefly]'' Besides... our enemy's trail leads all the way, to ''Haven''. That'd be quite a trip for a pipsqueak like you. ''[winks at her as he leaves]'' Catch ya later, kiddo. <hr width="50%"/> ''[Yang is sitting in her bed staring out the window. Ruby quietly enters.]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[tentatively]'' Yang? ''[When Yang doesn't respond, she starts to leave]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ...Ruby. ''[Ruby turn around to see Yang looking at her, eyes full of tears. She runs over and hugs her sister]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': I'm so glad you're okay! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ...But I'm ''not''. ''[Ruby lets go, staring at the bandaged stump of Yang's arm]'' It's all ''gone. [her voice starts to break]'' The school...Penny... ''Pyrrha''... and... :'''Ruby Rose''': Yang, where are Weiss and Blake? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Weiss's father... came for her. :'''Ruby Rose''': What?! What do you mean? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': No one outside of Vale knows what happened here. Before the tower fell... The last thing people saw was Atlas attacking innocent people, and Grimm destroying the city. Everyone's scared. No one knows who to trust. So Weiss's father came to take her back to Atlas, where he ''thinks'' it's safe. She's gone. :'''Ruby Rose''': What about- :'''Yang Xiao Long''': And ''Blake'' ran! ''[bitterly]'' Sun saw her go. After we got to the city... she just... ''ran!'' :'''Ruby Rose''': But... ''why?'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': I don't know. ''[tears up, then turns away]'' And I don't ''care''. :'''Ruby Rose''': There have to be a reason she- :'''Yang Xiao Long''': No there ''doesn't!'' Sometimes bad things just happen, Ruby! :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[softly]'' ...So what do we do, now? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[coldly]'' You can do what you like. I'm gonna lie here. :'''Ruby Rose''': Yang- :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Just leave me alone. ''[Ruby goes to the door, turning back briefly]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[softly]'' I love you. ''[She leaves when Yang does not respond]'' <hr width="50%"/> ''[As winter arrives, Ruby steps outside her house]'' :'''Jaune Arc''': ...Hey. :'''Ruby Rose''': Hey Jaune. ''[she approaches him]'' Haven's a long way to go. :'''Jaune Arc''': I know. But it's the only lead we have. :'''Ruby Rose''': And you're ''sure'' you wanna come along? :'''Lie Ren''': The journey will be perilous... and whether we'll find answers at the end, is entirely uncertain. :'''Nora Valkyrie''': But we wouldn't be here if we weren't up for it. :'''Ruby Rose''': Then let's get started. ''[The four friends set off on the road for Haven]'' :'''Mysterious Narrator''': "A smaller, more honest soul." It's true that a simple spark, can ignite hope. Breath ''fire'', into the hearts of the weary. ''[At home, Taiyang brings Ruby's breakfast, only to find a note. He drops the food and runs past Yang's room, where she is still staring out the window]'' :'''Mysterious Narrator''': The ability to derive strength from ''hope'', is undoubtedly mankind's greatest attribute. Which is why... I will focus ''all'' of my power... to ''snuff it out.'' ''[A raven is seen outside Yang's window, watching her before it flies away]'' :'''Mysterious Narrator''': How does it feel? ''Knowing'', that ''all'' of your time and effort, has been for nothing? That your guardians, have ''failed'' you. That everything you've built, will be ''torn down'', before your very eyes. ''[At the ruins of Beacon Academy, more Grimm are shown approaching the ruined Tower and the petrified dragon atop it.]'' :'''Mysterious Narrator''': Your faith in mankind was ''not'' misplaced. When banded together, unified by a common enemy... they ''are'' a noticeable threat. ''[Glynda Goodwitch is shown repairing damage in Vale with her Semblance, visibly exhausted]'' But ''divide'' them... place ''doubt'' into their minds. ''[Blake is shown fleeing across Beacon's rooftops, glancing back at the Tower and dragon]'' :'''Mysterious Narrator''': And any ''Semblance'' of power they once had, will wash away. ''[Weiss is shown on an airship, looking sad. She glances from the window to her father, who is seated next to her, staring ahead coldly. Ruby and her friends are shown visiting her mother's grave before they move on]'' :'''Mysterious narrator''': Of course, they won't realize it at first. Like you, they'll ''cling'' to their fleeting hope, their aspirations. But this is merely the first move. So, you ''send'' your Guardians, your Huntsmen and Huntresses. ''[The scene shifts to the Land of Darkness. The camera zooms toward the Narrator on a cliff, revealing her as Salem]'' :'''Salem''': And when ''they'' fail, and you turn to your ''smaller soul''... know that you send her, to the same, ''pitiful'' demise. This is the beginning of the ''end'', Ozpin. ''[she turns around, her eyes glowing red]'' And I can't wait, to ''watch you burn.'' == Volume 4 == ===The Next Step [Volume 4, Episode 1]=== :''[Cinder speaks in unintelligible, hoarse whispers to Emerald]'' :'''Dr. Watts''': Pathetic. Why'd you even-? :''[The door opens. Watts, Cinder, Hazel, and Tyrian all stand. Salem enters, moves to the head of the table, and turns to face them]'' :'''Salem''': Watts...Do you find such malignancy necessary? ''[She gestures for them to sit.]'' :'''Dr. Watts''': I apologize, ma'am. I'm not particularly fond of failure. :'''Salem''': ''[sits]'' Then I see no reason for your cruelty towards young Cinder. She's become our Fall Maiden, destroyed Beacon Tower, and most importantly...killed dear Ozpin. So, I'm curious; to what failures are you referring? :'''Dr. Watts''': Well, the girl with silver eyes. :'''Hazel''': Yes. We dealt with her kind before. How's it a novice was able to best one of us? :'''Dr. Watts''': My thoughts exactly. Even without her new power, it should've been effortless. :'''Salem''': It is ''because'' of the Maiden's power. Make no mistake, Cinder, you hold the key to our victory. But, your newfound strength brings with it a crippling weakness. Which is why you will remain by my side as we continue your treatment. ''[Cinder snarls in disappointment]'' Dr. Watts, you are to take Cinder's place, and meet with our informant in Mistral. :'''Dr. Watts''': Very good. :'''Salem''': Tyrian, I want you to continue your hunt for the Spring Maiden. :'''Tyrian''': ''[Gives a gleeful chuckle]'' Gladly. :'''Salem''': And Hazel, I'm sending you to the leader of the White Fang. Adam Taurus has arranged the meeting. The boy continues to prove loyal. Ensure that Sienna Khan feels the same way. :'''Hazel''': As you wish. :''[Cinder raises her hand, and looks at Emerald]'' :'''Emerald''': Oh. ''[Leans in to Cinder. Cinder whispers to her again, and Emerald stands up]'' :'''Salem''': Speak, child. :'''Emerald''': She wants to know..."What about the girl?" :'''Dr. Watts''': ''[Scoffs]'' What about her? Seems to me that this is Cinder's problem, not ours. ''[Cinder slams her fist on the table and glares at Watts, who smirks]'' :'''Salem''': That's enough. Tyrian? :'''Tyrian''': ''[grins]'' yes, my lady? :'''Salem''': Spring can wait. Find the girl that did this to Cinder...''[Tyrian gleefully giggles and claps]'' And bring her to me. ''[Tyrian frowns in disappointment]'' Because of your efforts, Beacon has fallen...and 'Haven'', will be next. :'''Tyrian''': ''[gesturns to Cinder]'' And eye for an eye... ''[he dissolves into a fit of maniacal laughter]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nora''': I'm just saying, there's more members of JNPR on this team than RWBY. It just makes sense to go with ''that'' one! :'''Ren''': But JNRR isn't a color. :'''Nora''': ''[Groans]'' How can I be more clear?! ''[Holds her hand up, and an image of JNRR appears]'' One, two, three! That's ''more'' than one! :'''Ren''': But, we're helping Ruby with her objective. ''[Holds his hand up, and an image of RNJR appears]'' Wouldn't that make her the leader? :'''Jaune''': ''[On lookout]'' Guys, we need to focus...Also, JNRR is way cooler. :'''Nora''': EXACTLY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blacksmith finishes creating Jaune new armor]'' :'''Blacksmith''': There you go, son! It's gonna be heavier than you're used to... But you'll thank me the next time you go up against a set of claws! :'''Jaune''': Wow... I... I don't know what to say. :'''Blacksmith''': Don't gotta say anything! Just put it on! I'll go get the rest. :'''Nora''': So, what are you waiting for?! :'''Jaune''': Oh...! Right! ''[Removing his old armor]'' Guess I was... Gonna grow out of it eventually... :'''Ren''': A sign of progress. :'''Jaune''': Progress. ''[As Jaune turns around, Ruby gasps, then snickers]'' :'''Jaune''': Whuh... What is it? :'''Ruby''': ''[Pointing at Jaune's hoodie]'' What is THAT?! :'''Jaune''': ''[Jaune's hoodie has a picture of a bunny on it]'' What, my hoodie? I've always had this! :'''Ruby''': ''[Again snickering]'' IT GOT A CUTE LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT! ''[Starting to laugh]'' :'''Jaune''': It's Pumpkin Pete! Y'know from the cereal? :'''Ruby''': ''[Continue to laugh]'' What did you do?! Send in a boxtop for a prize?! :'''Jaune''': Yeah! 50! ''[Ruby, after a pause, laughs even louder, before falling over.]'' :'''Ruby''': Ah... Ha-ha-ha... Heh... :'''Ren''': Well... I suppose we don't have to grow out of everything. ===Remembrance [Volume 4, Chapter 2]=== :'''Ruby''': So, the next town is... ''[continues looking at the map]'' Uh-huh! Uh-huh... ''[stops looking at the map]'' We're lost. :'''Jaune''': We're not lost! The next town is Shion. My family used to visit it all the time. :'''Ruby''': Oh, yeah! Don't you have, like four sisters? :'''Jaune''': Uh, seven. ''[Ruby giggles]'' :'''Nora''': Y'know, that actually explain a lot. :'''Jaune''': Wait, what do you mean-- :'''Ruby''': SO, what did you guys do there? :'''Jaune''': OH! All sorts of stuff! Over here is a great hiking trail, and over here is where we went to camping all the time! I got my own tent because I was special. Also, so my sisters would stop braiding my hair. :'''Ruby''': Didn't like the look? :'''Jaune''': Yeah, they just keep doing pigtails, but personally I think I'm more of a "Warrior's Wolf Tail" kind of guy. :'''Ruby''': That's just a ponytail. :'''Jaune''': I stand by what I said. ===Of Runaways and Stowaways [Volume 4, Chapter 3]=== :''[Blake tries to defend the ship from a Grimm sea monster. A cloaked figure suddenly rushes past her and leaps at the monster. The cloak flies off, revealing...]'' :'''Blake''': SUN?! :'''Sun''': ''[Uses his Semblance to help grab the monster's head, as he tries to corral it, keeping the monster from firing on the ship]'' Not today, pal! :'''Blake''': What are you doing?! :'''Sun''': ''[As the monster starts flying in random directions, trying to throw him off]'' Oh, just...you know...hanging out! ''[The monster finally throws him off. As Sun starts to fall, Blake swings herself off the ship and catches him, landing on a small island, holding Sun in her arms]'' My hero. :'''Blake''': You're not supposed to be here! :'''Sun''': Yeah? Well, it looks like you need all the help you can get. :'''Blake''': UGH! ''[Drops Sun unceremoniously]'' Just shut up and fight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sun''': ''[After the Grimm monster is defeated, some Faunus passengers thank him]'' Seriously, it was no big deal. Just enjoy the rest of your trip, and everything will be cool. We got this! ''[Turns back to Blake]'' You'd think they've never seen a fight before. :'''Blake''': What are you even doing here, Sun? :'''Sun''': Digging the new outfit, by the way. ''[Points to her cat ears]'' Never did like the bow. :'''Blake''': ''[Slaps Sun's hand away]'' SUN! :'''Sun''': Jeez. :'''Blake''': Have you been following me?! :'''Sun''': ''[Sighs]'' I saw you run off. The night Beacon Tower fell. Once we landed in Vale, you made sure everyone was okay, then you just took off, without saying anything. :'''Blake''': I had to. You wouldn't understand. :'''Sun''': No, I get it. The moment you left, I knew exactly what you were doing: You're going on a one-woman rampage against the White Fang! :'''Blake''': ...WHAT? :'''Sun''': You always felt like the Fang was your fight. They show up, trash your school, hurt your friends; it makes perfect sense. :'''Blake''': I can't believe you. :'''Sun''': So, there's no way I'm letting you do this alone! It's an honorable approach for sure, but you're going to need someone watching your back, and that's where I come in! Us Faunus got to stick together, after all. :'''Blake''': ''[Shoves Sun away]'' You're wrong, Sun. You're so, so wrong. :'''Sun''': What do you-? :'''Blake''': I'm not going anywhere near the White Fang. Not yet. :'''Sun''': Seriously? :'''Blake''': I need to sort some things out. :'''Sun''': Then, why not do it with your team, your friends? :'''Blake''': You're one to talk! Assuming Neptune, Sage, and Scarlet aren't hiding below deck. :'''Sun''': You ''really'' think I can get Neptune on the ocean? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Salem''': Cinder, I'm going to ask you this just one more time, and I expect a clear answer. Did you...kill...Ozpin? ''[Cinder starts to raise her hand for Emerald] NO!'' I want to hear ''you'' say it. :'''Cinder Fall''': ''[Gives a rasping inhale, then, with great effort]'' ...Yes. :'''Salem''': ''[After a pause, turns to the Grimm orb floating next to her]'' Reinforce our forces at Beacon. The relic ''is'' there. ''[After the orb leaves, she ponders to herself]'' What are you planning? ===Family [Volume 4, Episode 4]=== :'''Taiyang''': Adult or not, you still have a long way to go before you're ready for the real world. :'''Yang''': ''[Annoyed]'' Oh my gosh, does ''every'' father figure just have the same three condescending phrases? :'''Taiyang''': Yeah, but we only use them when we mean it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Port''': Fear is like any other emotion; it comes and goes. It's all in how we handle it. Why, even I wrestle with that emotion from time to time. :'''Yang''': Really? You? :'''Dr. Oobleck''': ''[Aside to Yang]'' He's afraid of mice. :'''Prof. Port''': THEY ONLY BRING DISEASE AND FAMINE! ''[Yang starts quietly laughing]'' And don't even get me started on their tail! So hairless, it's simply unnatural! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raven''': Hello, brother. :'''Qrow''': ...Raven. ''[Goes to the table she's sitting at. He gives her a look, and after a pause, Raven pulls her mask aside, allowing him to sit with his drink.]'' So, what do you want? :'''Raven''': A girl can't just catch up with her family? :'''Qrow''': She can, but you're not. Now, how about we get on with it? ''[Takes a sip of his drink]'' Unless you plan on keeping these coming. :'''Raven''': Does she have it? :'''Qrow''': ...Did you know Yang lost her arm? :'''Raven''': That's not- :'''Qrow''': Rhetorical question, I know you know. It's just obnoxious that you bring up family, then just carry on like your own daughter doesn't exist. :'''Raven''': I saved her! :'''Qrow''': Once, because that was your rule, right? Real "Mom of the Year" material, sis. == Volume 5 == ===Dread In The Air [Volume 5, Episode 2]=== :'''Dr. Watts''': I'm still so fascinated by this creature. Cinder, dear, are we coming through? Can you see us clearly? Well, as clearly as you can. :'''Cinder''': Shut... up! :'''Dr. Watts''': Oh, goody. You've recovered. ===Lighting the Fire [Volume 5, Episode 4]=== ''[Yang is brought into the Branwen tribe camp, waiting in front of the main tent under guard as a masked Raven cautiously exits]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Mom. :'''Raven Branwen''': ''[Removes her mask and sets it aside]'' Yang... So, after all this time, you've finally decided to visit me. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[Reaches down and holds her shaking hand]'' You ''know'' that I searched for you. I spent years looking for you. :'''Raven Branwen''': And you found me. You were patient, determined, and strong enough to make your dream a reality. ''[Smiles]'' Well done, Yang. But did you have to be so rough with my men? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': I didn't want a fight. ''They'' started it. ''[Crosses her arms]'' :'''Raven Branwen''': Well, you certainly ''finished'' it. ''[Yang simply gives an unamused stare back at Raven.]'' :'''Raven Branwen''': Right... I'm sure this is all very overwhelming, but I must admit that you've proven yourself, so any questions you have, I'll be happy to answer. You can stay with us tonight; I'll even have the cooks whip up something for you. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': That's not why I'm here. ''[Raven's friendly facade falls. The bandits gathered around Yang chatter amongst themselves but soon fall quiet when a slight wind gust arrives.]'' :'''Raven Branwen''': ''What was that?'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': I'm not here for ''you''. Ruby is somewhere in Mistral – she's with Qrow and she's going to need my help. I just need ''you'' to take me to her. :'''Raven Branwen''': And why would I do that? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Because we're family. :'''Raven Branwen''': Family... only coming around when they need something. ''[moves back toward the tent entrance]'' I have to say, I'm disappointed. After all, you found ''me'' didn't you? Why not take that drive and use it to find your little sister if she really means that much to you? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Because ''you're'' going to save me time. Ruby was heading to Mistral, but there's no guarantee she's made it there. Looking for her in Anima could take ages. But... Dad told me how your Semblance works. :'''Raven Branwen''': ''[Surprised, muttering under her breath]'' ''Tai...'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[Smirks]'' You could bond to certain people. And when you do, you could create a portal that takes you straight to them. You've got one for Dad, one for me... and you've got one for ''Qrow''. He promised me he'd watch out for Ruby before he left, and I trust him. So, make a portal to my uncle and sister, and I'll be on my way. :'''Raven Branwen''': ...You know, it takes real strength to march in here and demand such a favor of me; I've got to say, I'm impressed. It's very ''noble'' to want to help out your sister. But if she's with Qrow, then she's already a lost cause. ''[Looks away]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': What does ''that'' mean? :'''Raven Branwen''': You don't want to get mixed up in all of that, Yang. Ozpin is not the man you think he is, and Qrow is a fool for trusting him. ''[Turns back toward Yang]'' I would know; I trusted him once, too. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': I don't care what you think! ''[Vernal watches off to the side of the crowd with Weiss' weapon.]'' :'''Raven Branwen''': Your choice is your own. All I'm suggesting is that instead of getting wrapped up in something too big for you – for ''any'' of us – that maybe you take a moment to wonder if you're already where you belong. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[Steps forward]'' Save your breath. You can spout off whatever you want, but NOTHING is going to keep me from my sister. :'''Raven Branwen''': ''[Eyes widen for a moment, before she callously smirks]'' Well, aren't you stubborn? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': I get it from my ''mom''. ===Alone Together [Volume 5, Episode 8]=== :'''Yang''': I know she's our teammate. But I'm not just going to change my mind. I'm sorry. I just...I don't think you know what it's like to be left. You have a giant family. Recitals to perform. Dinners to attend. I didn't have any of that. My Mom left me. Ruby's Mom left too. Tai was always busy with school and Ruby couldn't even talk yet. I had to pick up the pieces. I had to keep things together. Alone. Weiss, if you have something to say, then say it. :'''Weiss''': When I was ten, my Dad finally admitted to my Mom that the only reason he married her was for the family name. It was actually on my birthday. He missed the big dinner, she got mad, he finally snapped. I think she already knew. Looking back, I think I knew too. But hearing him say it finally pushed her over the edge. First it was separate lunches and dinners. Opposite balconies at my recitals. A glass of wine here, a glass of wine there. Then, it was no dinners. No recitals. A bottle of wine here...you get the idea. :'''Yang''': I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed. :'''Weiss''': You're right, though. I don't know loneliness like you do. I have my own version. And I'll bet Blake has her own version too. :'''Yang''': She doesn't have to be alone. I was here for her! We all were! She chose to leave us! :'''Weiss''': Why do you think she did that? The entire time Blake was at Beacon, she was afraid to open up to people. She tried to keep her past separate from us. She tried to protect us. Eventually those walls she put up came down. And the moment they did, the one thing she was afraid of actually happened. The universe proved her right. :'''Yang''': No one blamed her for anything! If she'd just talked us she would've known that! How can I be there for her if she won't let me? What if I need her here for me? ===Vault of the Spring Maiden [Volume 5, Episode 12]=== ''[As Vernal, Cinder and Raven enter the Vault, blossoms from its' tree begin to float down around them]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': Having fun? :'''Raven Branwen''': Vernal, stay focused. :'''Cinder Fall''': Oh, come now, Raven. Let her enjoy this. It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience. :'''Vernal''': How does this work? :'''Cinder Fall''': Once the Spring Maiden places her hand on the door... it will open. For you... and ''only'' you. Then ''I'' will walk into the Vault, and retrieve the Relic. No one else. Is that ''clear?'' :'''Vernal''': Yes. :'''Raven Branwen''': ''[impatiently]'' It doesn't matter to us. Let's get this over with. :'''Cinder Fall''': Alright then. Vernal, when you're ready. ''[Vernal approaches the door; Raven reaches slowly for her sword, but stops when Cinder speaks]'' You know... I've heard ''so'' many stories about you, Raven. They say you're a cunning leader. That you're ''strong''. That you're ''clever. [Vernal reaches for the door as Cinder glances back at Raven]'' It's a ''shame'' that they're wrong. ''[Cinder suddenly casts a bolt of magic from her hand at Raven]'' :'''Raven Branwen''': ''VERNAL!'' ''[She lunges forward, but is encased in ice. Vernal draws her weapons and whirls around, then gasps in pain as she's thrust against the door. She stares down at a Grimm arm stretching from Cinder's crippled shoulder, its' claws impaling her stomach]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': ''[Smiles]'' It's nothing personal, dear. ''[she approaches]'' You're just not ''worthy'' of such power. But ''I'' am. ''[She throws Vernal to the floor, causing her to scream in agony. Behind them, the ice around Raven starts to crack]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': So, I will ''take''... what is ''mine. [Vernal's struggles weaken, but Cinder's smirk changes to confusion]'' What... what is this? Where's the power?! ''[The ice shatters behind Cinder. She turns to see Raven standing ready, bluish aura flickering around her]'' :'''Raven Branwen''': You won't find it. ''[She pulls off her mask and throws it aside]'' Because Vernal ''isn't'' the Spring Maiden. ''[She raises her face, Maiden flames wreathing her eyes] I'' AM! == Volume 6 == ===The Coming Storm [Volume 6, Episode 5]=== :'''Ruby''': Look! ''[rushes over to a shelf]'' :'''Weiss''': What is it? :'''Ruby''': ''[shows Weiss canned beans]'' Food! :'''Weiss''': ''Canned'' food? :'''Ruby''': Oh, trust me. You put enough salt on anything and it'll taste just fine. :'''Weiss''': I suppose it's better than nothing. ''[she and Ruby pick up some cans from the cellar]'' But I still hate this place. ''[They leave, but the door to the nearby wine cellar lifts up and then goes back down again, making an ominous creak.]'' ===Seeing Red [Volume 6, Episode 12]=== :'''Adam''': You knew you couldn't win two on one at Haven. What makes you so sure you can win now? :'''Blake''': I don't have a choice. I have people who actually care about me! And I promised that I would never leave them again! So I'm not dying now! :'''Adam''': You know, she made a promise to me once... that she'd always be at ''my'' side. And look how well she's kept it. :'''Yang''': Did she make that promise to you? Or to the person you were pretending to be? :'''Adam''': So I just wasn't good enough for you. :'''Blake''': You know it's so much more than that. :'''Adam''': I know you've made your choice. And I've made mine. ===Our Way [Volume 6, Episode 13]=== :''[In the Land of Darkness, Mercury Black is seen looking out the window in the meeting room. Emerald Sustrai then walks in.]'' :'''Emerald''': Mercury, I wanted to... ''[suddenly, she notices Mercury's face has an expression of horror as he looks out the window. She looks to where he's looking]'' What is she doing? :''[A Beringel is seen crawling out of one of the black, tar-like pits, with Salem herself standing close by. Having learned about Adam Tarus' death, she then uses her magic as Nevermore wings suddenly sprout from the back of the Beringel. The Beringel gets used to its new appendages, before flying up to join many other Beringels also grafted with wings. Emerald and Mercury continue to watch in horror.]'' :'''Hazel''': There's an old saying. ''[the two notice him enter the room and stands next to them]'' If you want something done right... '''do it yourself.''' :''[Salem looks up to the army of Grimm she has gathered, before turning around and using her magic on the black pools again, engulfing the entire scene...]'' == Volume 7 == ===The Greatest Kingdom [Volume 7, Episode 1]=== ===A New Approach [Volume 7, Episode 2]=== ===Ace Operatives [Volume 7, Episode 3]=== ===Pomp And Circumstance [Volume 7, Episode 4]=== :'''Jacques Schnee''': ''[glances at the rest of Team RWBY surrounding Weiss]'' So these are the little friends you threw everything away for? :'''Weiss''': ''[shakes her head]'' Not friends. ''Family.'' ===Sparks [Volume 7, Episode 5]=== ===A Night Off [Volume 7, Episode 6]=== ===Worst Case Scenario [Volume 7, Episode 7]=== ===Cordially Invited [Volume 7, Episode 8]=== ===As Above, So Below [Volume 7, Episode 9]=== ===Out In The Open [Volume 7, Episode 10]=== ===Gravity [Volume 7, Episode 11]=== :'''James Ironwood''': I will sacrifice... ''whatever it takes'', to stop her! :'''Arthur Watts''': Oh, I hope you ''do'', James. ''[spits blood and smirks]'' I really hope you do. ---- ''[A Seer Grimm bursts from Watt's bag, levitating into the air]'' :'''Salem''': General Ironwood. ''[The Seer cracks open, then collapses, dead. Smoke pours out, forming an image of Salem]'' :'''Salem''': The brave Huntsmen and Huntresses ''bested'' Arthur Watts. Congratulations. :'''Ruby Rose''': We stopped Tyrian, too. And we'll stop Cinder, and anyone else you try to send here. :'''Salem''': Dear girl, their goal was ''never'' victory. It was merely to set the stage. :'''James Ironwood''': For what?! :'''Salem''': ''[Turns]'' ...For ''me. [Ironwood backs away, stunned, as Salem drifts toward him]'' Time isn't on your side, James. It's ''always'', been on mine. The people of Atlas have suffered enough! Surrender the Staff, and the Lamp, to me... and they needn't suffer any further. :'''James Ironwood''': That's... ''Not'', going to happen. :'''Salem''': ''[leans forward, smiling softly]'' Simply accept the futility, of your situation... and this can all be ''over''. :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[Firmly]'' We've seen what ''you're'' capable of. The Lamp showed us. ''[Salem's smile vanishes; she straightens, glaring down at Ruby, who stares back defiantly ]'' It showed us ''everything''. We've seen that you can't be killed. But we've also seen you ''fail.'' We don't have to kill you, to stop you... and we ''will'' stop you. :'''Salem''': ...Your ''mother'', said those words to me. :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[stunned, as visions of Summer are shown]'' My... mother? :'''Salem''': ''She'' was wrong, too. ''[Ruby's silver eyes flash. Still envisioning her mother, she crumples to her knees in tears, clutching her head; Yang rushes to her side. After a moment, Salem disappears.]'' ---- :'''Marrow Amin''': ''That's'' Salem?! That's who we're up against?! :'''Harriet Bree''': And she's apparently on her way. :'''Elm Elderne''': But... we'd be alerted if any forces had approached the kingdom! We have long-range proximity alarms all along the coast, and- :'''Vine Zeki''': ''[checks his scroll]'' They're offline. With all of the chaos, we didn't notice. :'''Marrow Amin''': Watts must have shut them down! :'''James Ironwood''': Or, they've already been destroyed. ''[walks to his desk and stares out over Atlas Academy]'' :'''Elm Elderne''': What... ''all'' of them? :'''Blake Belladonna''': You said in your speech, that Amity Tower was ready to launch. Was that ''true?'' ''[Ironwood does not answer, Blake and Weiss look at each other]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''No.'' You just ''said'' that, to lure out Watts. :'''Weiss Schnee''': General... Ironwood? :'''James Ironwood''': ...I've sent your sister, to claim the power of the Winter Maiden. :'''Weiss Schnee''': ''[gasps] What?'' :'''James Ironwood''': When I realized we'd been compromised, I knew we couldn't wait any longer. The Staff and the Lamp, ''have'' to be locked away. :'''Ruby Rose''': I thought... you said we could keep it. :'''James Ironwood''': ''[turns, angrily]'' Well, that was before you ''lied'' to me about the Lamp. Before you lied to us about Robyn, before ''Salem'' was right on our doorstep. Before Mantle was nearly ''destroyed'', and myself and my army were left exhausted! ''[he slams Watt's bag off the desk, then sets his gun down and picks up Cinder's chess piece]'' The timeline has changed, and we must change accordingly. :'''Harriet Bree''': What are our orders, sir? :'''James Ironwood''': We are going to take our plan for Amity Tower, and apply it to the city of Atlas. ''[crushes the chess piece in his mechanical hand]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[stands up]'' What?! :'''James Ironwood''': It was Oz's plan, in a former life... but he didn't ''take'' it far enough. If we harness the power of the Staff, and raise ourselves high into the atmosphere, the city's artificial climate will keep citizens and food supplies unharmed. Always out of reach, of whatever Salem may try to send our way. :'''Blake Belladonna''': But we're ''nowhere'' near finished evacuating everyone! You'd be leaving Mantle to ''die.'' :'''James Ironwood''': ''[coldly]'' Yes... I would. ''[Team RWBY stares at him, stunned]'' ''We can't allow Salem to capture the Relics.'' This is our best chance, at getting the Staff, the Lamp ''and'' the Maiden, as far away from her as possible. :'''Ruby Rose''': But... we have an opportunity to reunite the ''world!'' If we launch the tower, we can all work together again! We could even call for help... If we can hold out long enough- :'''James Ironwood''': Sometimes, doing the right thing... means making tough decisions. :'''Blake Belladonna''': You're right. And ''I'' think, the right thing to do, would be to ''stand our ground.'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Me, too. :'''Weiss Schnee''': Me, too. :'''Ruby Rose''': Me, too. ''[She glances at the Ace-Ops, but they all look away]'' :'''Harriet Bree''': ...We ran ourselves ragged, trying to save Mantle tonight. We try that again, against an even stronger force- :'''Yang Xiao Long''': But you're Huntsmen and Huntresses! You can't just back down from a fight! :'''Vine Zeki''': You can't focus on one single fight, while trying to win a war. :'''Weiss Schnee''': What's the Council going to say? :'''James Ironwood''': ''Nothing.'' Once I declare martial law. :'''Weiss Schnee''': ''[horrified] No...'' :'''Blake Belladonna''': What about Robyn? :'''Elm Elderne''': Who exactly are you ''loyal'' to? :'''Ruby Rose''': We're loyal to the people, ''counting'' on us to save them! :'''James Ironwood''': We are saving who we ''can. [Ruby looks back at him]'' And ''you're'' standing in our way. ''[Ruby's scroll suddenly rings]'' :'''Jaune Arc''': It's Jaune! We have got a ''serious'' problem here! ''[Ruby and Ironwood stare each other down. Before Ironwood can move, Ruby flies behind the desk with her Semblance and opens a conference call to Jaune, Qrow and Winter]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': Ironwood's declaring martial law, and abandoning Mantle! Salem is coming, and he's going to use the Staff to move Atlas! If we don't stop him, Mantle's going to be des- ''[her call is suddenly cut off by Ironwood]'' What?! No! :'''James Ironwood''': ''[Walks toward the door]'' I'm sorry it's come to this. But until Atlas and the Relics are safe, you are ''all'' under arrest. :'''Ruby Rose''': We won't just let you take us. ''[The Ace-Ops form ranks opposite Team RWBY, blocking their way out]'' :'''James Ironwood''': ''[softly]'' I know. ''[He leaves]'' ===With Friends Like These [Volume 7, Episode 12]=== ===The Enemy of Trust [Volume 7, Episode 13]=== :'''James Ironwood''': Winter. Thank you. I know that must have been difficult. I... I'm so sorry- ''[he turns around and sees Oscar descending into the Vault]'' And... whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with? :'''Oscar Pine''': Still just me. ''[steps toward him]'' :'''James Ironwood''': It was smart of you not to bring the Lamp, down here. ''I'' wouldn't trust me either, right now. :'''Oscar Pine''': Trust... is what I'm hoping to fix. I ''know'' we can still figure this out, all of it. Together. ''Please.'' :'''James Ironwood''': ...Do you intend to ''fight'' me? :'''Oscar Pine''': ''[glances at Long Memory]'' No. That's just what she wants. I guess it's because of Oz, but... holding it helps calm me down when I'm afraid. ''[He collapses the cane and clips it to his belt]'' :'''James Ironwood''': You still think ''I'm'' afraid? :'''Oscar Pine''': We ''all'' are. It's what we ''do'' in our fear, that- :'''James Ironwood''': THAT'S EASY FOR ''YOU'' TO SAY! You can label me whatever you like, but the fact of the matter is, I was ''RIGHT!'' The ''minute'' I softened, let my guard down, ''that's'' when Salem had her opening. :'''Oscar Pine''': If you abandon Mantle, you abandon our best chance to reunite the world, you abandon Remnant, leaving ''millions'' to fend for themselves so a few can survive! What kind of- :'''James Ironwood''': ''[scornfully]'' All ''excellent'' philosophical points, that ''won't matter'', if Salem wins. :'''Oscar Pine''': Listen to me! :'''James Ironwood''': No, ''YOU'' listen! ''[He advances aggressively; Oscar steps back, toward the edge of the path]'' I am ''done'', letting others' inability to see the bigger picture, get in the way of doing what's ''right.'' Robyn, the Council, this Kingdom. Even ''you''. :'''Oscar Pine''': ''[sharply]'' Then you're as dangerous as ''she'' is, James. :'''James Ironwood''': ''[coldly]'' "James"... is what my ''friends'' call me. To you... it's "General." ''[He draws his pistol and shoots Oscar in the side, knocking him into the abyss]'' ----- ''[Ozpin addresses the audience as the final scenes are shown.]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': The single quality that is common across every living creature on this planet... is fear. :'''Weiss Schnee''': Winter! ''[she rushes to her injured sister's side]'' :'''Winter Schnee''': What... did you ''do?!'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': It's funny, then, that as common as fear is... we so easily underestimate its' power. ''[The Maiden flames in Penny's eyes go out as she checks Fria's pulse. Realizing she's dead, Penny covers her face with her hands]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': Are you all right? Penny, what happened? :'''Penny Polendina''': She's... ''gone.'' :'''Winter Schnee''': No. She's a part of ''you,'' now. :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': Fear of growing close to someone. ''[The Atlesian military arrests Robyn and Qrow as he stares mournfully at Clover's blodied badge; Robyn puts her hands on his shoulder.]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': A subsequent fear, of loss. ''[Cinder flies away from Atlas Academy, screaming with rage over her defeat by Winter, Penny and Ruby.]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': Fear of failure. ''[Yang, Blake, Maria and Pietro pick up Team JNPR and fly away]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Where's Oscar? And the Relic? ''[Jaune, Nora and Ren look away]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': And, as more people depend on you... those fears can take on greater power. But, fear itself, isn't worthy of concern. ''[As he falls below Atlas, Oscar clips Ozpin's cane to his belt.]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': It is who we ''become'', while in its' clutches. :'''Winter Schnee''': ''[wincing]'' I suggest you all surrender... and comply with the General's orders. :'''Weiss Schnee''': ''[sadly]'' ...We can't do that. :'''Winter Schnee''': Then... I suggest you ''run.'' :'''Weiss Schnee''': No, you're hurt! I'm not going to leave you like this- :'''Winter Schnee''': You're ''not'' leaving me! ''[softly]'' I'm giving ''you''... a head start. ''[into her earpice]'' This is Special Operative Schnee, in need of immediate medical assistance. Send reinforcements... Over. :'''Weiss Schnee''': ... We all have to carve out our own way. ''[Maria's airship arrives]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Guys! You're- ''[she breaks off when she sees them]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': We need to ''go.'' ''[She and Weiss board the airship. After a glance at Winter, Penny follows them]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': Will ''you'' be proud, of that person? Will you forgive them? ''[On the airship, Ruby and Weiss both embrace Penny; Pietro smiles proudly as he watches them]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': Will you understand, why they felt the need to do the things they did? ''[On a rooftop in Atlas, Cinder turns to see Neo, who bows and offers the Lamp; Cinder snatches it and brushes past, Neo looking after her with surprise and irritation.]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': Will you even recognize them? ''[In the Vault of the Winter Maiden, Ironwood receives a text from Winter: IT'S GONE. He lets out a roar of anger.]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''':Or will the person staring back at you be the very thing you should have feared from the start? ''[In an Atlesian cell, Watts notices stormclouds growing on the horizon and smiles menacingly]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': I suppose we all find out, sooner or later. ''[Oscar lets out a cry and conjures a forcefield around himself, cushioning his landing in the crater below Atlas.]'' :'''Oscar Pine''': That power... these memories... you're back, aren't you? You saved me. :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': Actually... ''you'', saved us. ''[thunder rumbles]'' Oscar, I- :'''Oscar Pine''': ''Stop.'' All I want to know, is how we save Atlas next. ''[As the heroes' airship flies away from Atlas, the storm on the horizon intensifies]'' :'''Atlesian soldier #1''': We've got multiple hostiles on radar! Is anyone else seeing this?! :'''Atlesian Soldier #2''': These readings ''can't'' be right. ''[A dark silhouette emerges from the clouds: a gigantic whale Grimm suspended by Gravity Dust on its' back, with other Grimm flying around it. The camera zooms in to show Salem standing atop its' head, smiling confidently.]'' == Volume 8 == ===Divide [Volume 8, Episode 1]=== ''[Neopolitan and Cinder enter Salem's throne room in Monstra]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': ''[kneels]'' My Queen. ''[Salem rises and turns to face them]'' :'''Salem''': ''...Cinder.'' When I chose you as my vessel for the Maidens, I put my trust in you. So I ''trust'', that you wouldn't ''possibly'' return to me, empty-handed? :'''Cinder Fall''': ''[holds out the Lamp]'' The Relic of Knowledge. I took it right from under Ironwood's nose. ''[Salem stares at the Relic, while Neo shoots Cinder a look of scornful irritation]'' :'''Tyrian Callows''': ''[enters the chamber]'' Outsmarting the General speaks less to ''your'' intellect, and...more to ''his.'' After all, ''you'' were outsmarted by those children, ''first.'' :'''Cinder Fall''': And according to radio chatter, that ''same'' General and his forces, outsmarted ''you''. A shame Watts never made it back. :'''Tyrian Callows''': I'm afraid the doctor was a ''necessary'' sacrifice. ''[gestures at Neo]'' I do hope ''this'' little one doesn't become another. ''[Neo glares at him as Cinder stands and gives the Lamp to Salem, who watches them curiously.]'' :'''Salem''': ... Who is she? :'''Cinder Fall''': Neopolitan has some ''very'' useful abilities, and has proven to be a valuable asset. ''[Neo looks offended]'' :'''Salem''': Hmm. You certainly do enjoy collecting ''assets''. ''[Another door opens, and Hazel, Mercury and Emerald enter. Emerald brightens on seeing Cinder, hurrying forward]'' :'''Emerald Sustrai''': ''Cinder.'' You're here! I knew you'd come- :'''Cinder Fall''': ''Quiet.'' ''[Emerald stops, looking confused]'' :'''Tyrian Callows''': ''[tsks]'' Mmm- ''So'' devoted, to someone so incompetent. While the good doctor and I were advancing the will of our Goddess, ''dismembering'' the very body of this kingdom... ''you'', were merely atoning for past ''failures.'' :'''Cinder Fall''': Polendina's creation ''interfered'', with the transfer of the Winter Maiden power. But, now I know she ''has'' it, and once I return to Atlas, it won't take long to finish what I started. That power, ''will'' be mine- ''[Salem raises her hand, and Cinder breaks off.]'' :'''Salem''': I've given ''no'' such command. ''[turns back to her throne]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': ''[incredulous]'' Ma'am, now is the time to- ''[Salem touches her throne, sending a pulse of energy through Monstra; the fluid in its' brain clears, revealing Atlas in front of them]'' :'''Salem''': This game, is not yours to win, Cinder. It's ''mine.'' Just because you're more valuable to me than a pawn, does ''not'' make you a player. Everything is already in motion. All you need concern yourself with, is your ability to ''act'', when I tell you to. :'''Cinder Fall''': ...Of course. ''[bows her head] Without you, I am nothing.'' ''[After a pause, Salem waves them away]'' ----- ''[Ruby, Weiss and Oscar enter an abandoned bar, where their various allies are watching the news. A TV shows Team RWBY, JNR, Penny, Pietro and Maria as wanted fugitives]'' :'''May Marigold''': I know, Sector Three is going to need the ''most'' help. I'm sending backup your way right now. Fiona, do you copy? We need transport from Sector Three, to the crater. :'''Fiona Thyme''': ''[over the radio]'' Copy. ''[Nora gets up and approaches Oscar; he braces himself, but is surprised when she hugs him gently]'' :'''Blake Belladonna''': When we heard you went off after Ironwood on your own, we... :'''Weiss Schnee''': How did you end up down in the slums? :'''Oscar Pine''': It's, a.. ''[sighs]'' long story. I get the feeling, there's been a ''few'' of those, today. ''[they all glance at Penny]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': ...You're not going to tell them? :'''Oscar Pine''': ''[sharply]'' You and I aren't done ''talkiing'', yet. ''[aloud]'' Where's... Qrow? ''[everyone look away]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': ...We don't know. The last we heard, he was with Robyn, but... ''[Joanna reenters]'' :'''Joanna Greenleaf''': Alright, your friend is back now. You ready to work? ''[sighs]'' The largest Grimm horde we've ever seen is hovering over the tundra, and out there is a city full of people with no ''heat'', and from what you've told us, no more military protection. And, while we're happy to give you guys a place to lie low for a while... It's time to get ''those'' people some help. :'''Lie Ren''': ''How?'' Ironwood is stopping all evacuations to Atlas. And we can't get them out of the city with Salem's forces surrounding us. :'''Joanna Greenleaf''': The ''crater'', beneath Atlas. It's not ''safe'', but it's warm... and with everyone in one place, we can do a better job protecting them. May can send you where you're needed most. We've got to get everyone down into that crater, before nightfall. In the slums, we ''might'' have a chance. :'''Weiss Schnee''': ''[deadpan]'' We're never going to sleep again. I just ''know'' it. :'''Joanna Greenleaf''': ''[sharply]'' Either you're helping... or you're baggage. ''[leaves]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[stands up]''... We need to get out there and do what we can for Mantle. ''[As the characters speak, the scene alternates between their conversation and going about their missions]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': We need to do what we can, for ''everyone.'' What about Amity, and telling the world about Salem? We can't do this ''alone.'' We need ''help.'' :'''Blake Belladonna''': Ruby's right. The Happy Huntresses are handling the evacuation better than we could. And there's a ''bigger'' picture. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': But, Amity isn't even ''finished.'' It was still under construction. :'''Ruby Rose''':... Doctor, what would you need to launch Amity ''now?'' :'''Pietro Polendina''': Uh... we've made decent progress on construction and fuel collection. All potentially manageable, but, uh... Amity was designed so it couldn't launch itself, without first being granted clearance from General Ironwood's terminal. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Ruby, there is ''no way'' Ironwood will cooperate with us! :'''Ruby Rose''': But... he doesn't ''have'' to. We just need the green light from his terminal, right? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': You want to go ''back'' to the Academy? :'''Pietro Polendina''': Er, actually, there is ''more'' than one terminal. The one in his office, and, uh, one in the main Atlesian military compound... at the base of the city. From there, you have to get into the compound somehow, and, uh, get inside the operations room. And ''then... Hoo,'' boy. I might need to think about this some more. :'''Oscar Pine''': And just to clarify: this is the ''easy'' option? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': What you're saying is, it can't be done! It's ''pointless''- and even if you got the message out, there's no guarrantee help would come! :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[whirls around, angrily]'' It's ''not'' pointless! Atlas is only Salem's ''current'' target. She's not hiding anymore, and once she's done here, she'll move on to the rest of Remnant! We ''need'' to warn them! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ...Ruby, when we got here, we said we'd follow your lead. But... things haven't exactly worked out. ''[Ruby, Weiss, Nora and Oscar look taken aback]'' I just... :'''Lie Ren''': ''[steps forward]'' There are people here who need us ''right now.'' That's something we can ''actually'' do. :'''Nora Valkyrie''': But this ''isn't'' about ''just'' Atlas! Ruby's right. It's about ''all'' of Remnant. They need to know in Vacuo, in Mistral, in ''Vale'', what's ''coming''... so they can prepare! :'''Jaune Arc''': ''[steps between them]'' Okay, okay... then let's go for ''both.'' Get Amity up and running, ''and'' evacuate Mantle. :'''Ruby Rose''': But that's how Salem got this ''far'', by dividing us! We have to stick together! :'''Oscar Pine''': No. What Salem wants, is to turn us ''against'' each other... just like this. Jaune has a point. We can work separately, and still be united. :'''Penny Polendina''': Or... let ''me'' take the Relic to Salem... and maybe she will call off her attack, on the Kingdom. :'''Oscar Pine''': I don't think we can trust Salem to actually do that... and the moment she uses the Staff to create anything else, Atlas falls onto Mantle. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[to Penny]'' Nobody's turning you over to ''anybody.'' I think that's the ''one'' thing we could all agree on. :'''Ruby Rose''': Okay. Then I guess ''we're'' going to Atlas. ''[Nora nods]'' Can you help us get to that terminal? :'''Pietro Polendina''': I, uh... suppose someone needs to help you bypass security- :'''Penny Polendina''': ''[quietly] I'll'' go. :'''Pietro Polendina''': Penny, we can't risk- :'''Penny Polendina''': ''[turns around, Maiden flames emitting from her eyes] I'll go.'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[sighs]''... Do what you gotta do. I'm going out there to see what ''I'' can do. ''[she heads for the door, her teammates watching her]'' :'''Pietro Polendina''': Yang? ''[he tosses her some keys]'' Go by the pharmacy. I was developing some new tools for you, before all... ''this'' happened. You're gonna need them. :'''Lie Ren''': Nora? :'''Nora Valkyrie''': I'm going with Ruby. :'''Lie Ren''': But, what about Mantle? :'''Nora Valkyrie''': Oh, ''I'm'' saving Mantle. Because I ''actually'' believe we can do this! ===Refuge [Volume 8, Episode 2]=== ===Strings [Volume 8, Episode 3]=== ===Fault [Volume 8, Episode 4]=== :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[checking her Scroll]'' We need to get out of this weather, before the cold drops our Auras completely. How much further to the outpost? ''[Ren doesn't answer]'' Ren? how much- :'''Lie Ren''': ''[curtly]'' I don't know. ''[Yang glances back at Jaune, who shrugs, then moves up next to Ren]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': I thought you said you saw it, when you were up in the air. :'''Lie Ren''': I ''did''... before I had to cut myself loose, to help you guys. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Yeah... you've brought that up a couple times, now. Something you need to say? :'''Lie Ren''': Not really. Wouldn't want to waste any more time. ''[He moves ahead, but Yang follows him]'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Hey! What is your deal? :'''Lie Ren''': Don't worry about it. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Well, I'm sorry things aren't going ''smoothly'' enough for you! :'''Jaune Arc''': ''Guys.'' :'''Lie Ren''': They're not going "smoothly" at all! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': I hate to break it to you, but that's part of being a Huntsman! :'''Lie Ren''': Are you kidding?! We don't know the first ''thing'' about being Huntsmen! We clearly weren't ''ready!'' :'''Jaune Arc''': Guys, stop it! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Were we "not ready" when we saved Haven? When we took down a ''Leviathan?'' We got the Lamp to Atlas- :'''Lie Ren''': And then we ''lost'' it! And after that, when we had to make ''real'' decisions, we got every single one wrong. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': I'm not going to pretend like we did everything perfectly. But if we'd done ''nothing'', things would be even worse than they are now! :'''Lie Ren''': How could they possibly be worse? We are stuck out here while Salem has the Lamp, ''and'' Oscar! We've got no plan, no army- :'''Yang Xiao Long''': We've got the Maiden! :'''Lie Ren''': And by keeping her from opening the Vault for Ironwood, we're just trapping the WHOLE city, for Salem! ''[walks away, stares up at Atlas] People are going to die...'' because of ''us.'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': So, what? We should just give ''Ironwood'' what he wants? Abandon Mantle?! You think Atlas is still gonna be able to ''float to safety'', now that she's here?! :'''Lie Ren''': I don't know! But these aren't the kind of decisions we should be making, because we have no idea what we're doing! :'''Jaune Arc''': Okay, ''both'' of you: cut it out! :'''Lie Ren''': I'm just saying, what nobody else wants to: we're in ''way'' over our heads. Ruby is barely more than a kid, I'm just an orphan from the middle of nowhere- :'''Jaune Arc''': Ren, I- :'''Lie Ren''': ''You'', cheated your way into ''Beacon!'' ''[All three of them freeze. After a tense pause, Ren looks away]'' :'''Jaune Arc''': ''[curtly]''... You don't think we should be Huntsmen? ''Fine''. But I'm getting out of the cold. ''[quietly, as he passes Ren]'' We've still got a job to do. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[to Ren]'' Seriously, is your goal just to push ''everyone'' away? ---- ''[Oscar wakes up in an cell on Monstra]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': Oscar? Don't panic. We're going to be okay. :'''Oscar Pine''': What?... ''[He notices he is hanging from the Hound's jaws. Salem watches him from the doorway, smoky images of her daughters dancing over her hand]'' :'''Salem''': My long-lost Ozma... found, at last. ''[she snuffs out her illusion and approaches, as Oscar struggles]'' So ''small'', this new host of yours. It's a wonder my Hound didn't break you. It's been... how many ''years'', since we saw each other like this, face to face? And nothing to say? :'''Oscar Pine''': ''[imitating Ozpin's intonations]'' I'm... sorry the reunion, isn't living up to your ''expectations.'' ''[Salem stares at him, then suddenly grabs his face, dragging him close]'' :'''Salem''': ''[menacingly]'' You can ''pretend'', boy... but you're not fully him. Not ''yet'', at least. ''[she releases him]'' Well... perhaps you and I can have a better ''working'' relationship. Oscar, was it? ''[she walks around him and the Hound, scratching its' shoulder]'' The Beacon Relic. My forces have been unable to locate the Relic beneath the school. If I know my Ozma... he has used some means of deception, to hide its' location differently than the others. I need to know where it is. :'''Oscar Pine''': I... that's not something I know about. :'''Salem''': Of course. ''[walks away]'' He ''would'' keep that one guarded, as long as possible. How about something easier, then? The password for the Lamp. :'''Oscar Pine''': ...The Lamp is, all out of questions. ''[Salem turns and fires a beam of magic into Oscar's chest, causing him to scream in agony]'' :'''Salem''': The lies come out of you ''so easily... [she approaches and carresses his cheek, causing Oscar to flinch]'' Like-minded souls, ''indeed.'' One of you, is going to tell me what you know. I don't much care if it is you, ''or'' Ozma. Either way... I'll ''finally'' have the Relic. :'''Oscar Pine''': ''[groaning, defiantly]''... I won't tell you ''anything.'' ''[Salem shrugs, then opens the door. Hazel enters, his expression grim.]'' :'''Oscar Pine''': Hazel? Wait, wait- ''[Hazel punches him in the gut, knocking him from the Hound's grip]'' :'''Hazel Rainart''': ''That'', was for Haven Academy. ''[He kicks Oscar in the ribs, then cracks his neck]'' Everything that follows... will be for my ''sister.'' ===Amity [Volume 8, Episode 5]=== ===Midnight [Volume 8, Episode 6]=== ===War [Volume 8, Episode 7]=== ===Dark [Volume 8, Episode 8]=== ''[Ruby and Blake attempt to start the auxiliary power generator on Schnee Manor]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': Ah, C'mon, c'mon! :'''Blake Belladonna''': Don't worry. It'll work. :'''Ruby Rose''': Nothing else has. :'''Blake Belladonna''':... I know... you don't always know ''what'' to do. But that's never stopped you from doing ''something''. I was like that as a girl, but time and... a lot of ''other'' things, took their toll on me. Then, I wasn't sure if that kind of girl could actually survive in the world... Until I met ''you.'' It was a little strange at first, because you were younger, but... I've always looked up to you, Ruby. And I still do. :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[tearing up]'' ...Thanks, Blake. ''[The generator activates. Blake smiles at Ruby, but then her smile fades and her cat ears droop]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': What? ''[The Hound's silhouette looms menacingly outside the window behind her]'' ----- ''[Penny cries out as Watts' computer virus tries to hack her, alerting the Hound]'' :'''Weiss Schnee''': It's coming! :'''Penny Polendina''': ''[struggling]'' I'm sorry! ''[After a few moments, her eyes turn red as the virus takes control; she marches toward the door of Weiss's room. Klein tries to stop her, but Penny shoves him away, then marches out the entrance hall, passing Whitley and Willow]'' :'''Whitley Schnee''': What are you doing?! :'''Penny Polendina''': I must open the Vault... and then, self-terminate. ''[The Hound suddenly lunges at her. Penny blocks its' attack, but it sprouts another arm, grabs her head and bashes her against the floor, shutting her down]'' :'''Hound''': ''Take. The Girl. [picks her up as Ruby, Weiss and Blake appear at the bottom of the stairs]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': Penny! ''[The Hound holds its' claws to Penny's throat threateningly.]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[angrily]'' That's... ''enough.'' ''[Ruby activates her Silver Eyes, blasting the Hound back through the window. Penny topples down the stairs, unconscious. As Ruby and her friends gather around, they are interrupted as the Hound starts to crawl back through the window. It's head has been blasted away to reveal the face of a scarred, mutilated Faunus... with Silver Eyes.]'' :'''Faunus/Hound''': ''[unsteadily, as it staggers forward]'' Take... the girl. Take... the girl! Take! The! Girl! ''[Stunned and horrified, Ruby and her teammates drag Penny backward as the Hound advances down the steps, joints cracking and popping. The Grimm liquid covering its' body begins to cover its' face, regenerating its' Hound head]'' :'''Faunus/Hound''': Take! The! Girl! Take! The! ''Girl!'' ''[On the stairs above, Witley gestures to Willow, indicating a giant ornamental suit of armor and sword; they both push against it as the Hound finishes regenerating.]'' :'''Hound''': ''TAKE! THE! GIRL!'' ''[As it lunges forward, the armor and sword crashes down, killing it. Ruby falls to her knees, shocked.]'' :'''Weiss Schnee''': What ''was'' that? :'''Ruby Rose''': That was... a ''person.'' ''[The Hound's forearm crumbles to dust, but the skeleton of its' host remains]'' :''' ===Witch [Volume 8, Episode 9]=== ''[After a brief battle, Salem immobilizes Yang, Jaune, Oscar, Ren and Emerald with shadow tendrils; she approaches Emerald, a crackling sphere of magic in her hand.]'' :'''Salem''': What did you do with the Lamp? :'''Emerald Sustrai''': ''[confused]'' N-nothing. :'''Salem''': ''[holds the sphere near Emerald's face]'' It's ... ''missing''. Where is it? :'''Emerald Sustrai''': ''I'' didn't do anything with it! :'''Salem''': Where... ''is'' it?! ''[She approaches Oscar, her tendrils lifting him to face her]'' :'''Salem''': ''[sighs]'' Look, how you've diminished. How you've lessened yourself, and for ''what?'' These children, this ruined world? ''[Enraged, she suddenly grabs his face, her nails near his eyes]'' ''Why... do... you.. keep...coming...back?! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Why do ''you?!'' ''[Salem releases Oscar and approaches her]'' All of this endless death, just because something ''bad'' happened to you once upon a time?! Nobody gets a fairy-tale ending! Everything... I've lost, every ''person''... I've lost, is because of ''YOU!'' :'''Salem''': ''[scornfully]'' And who is it I've "taken" from ''you'', girl? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Summer Rose... my ''Mom!'' :'''Salem''': Hmm... ''[bends forward with an amused smile]...Her'', again. :'''Hazel Rainart''': Your Grace. :'''Salem''': Ah, Hazel. I found our guests. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': No-! ''[Salem covers her mouth with a shadow tendril]'' :'''Salem''': ''[gestures to Emerald] This'' one, was helping them. ''[her tendrils drop Oscar to the floor]'' Take the boy back to his chamber. I have ''work'' to do, on this one. :'''Hazel Rainart''': Yes, of course. ''[He glances at each of the prisoners, Emerald's pleading eyes following him, then grabs Oscar by the collar and lifts him until they are eye-to-eye]'' :'''Hazel Rainart''': ''[leans close to Oscar's ear, mutters] No more Gretchens, boy.'' ''[He drops Oscar, having slipped Long Memory into his hand. Salem brings her magic sphere close to Emerald's face again]'' :'''Emerald Sustrai''': ''[tearfully]'' I ''really'' don't know! ''[as Salem prepares to torture Emerald, Hazel punches her in the jaw, hurling her backward. She cushions her landing with a whirlwind and rises again, her eyes glowing angrily, but her shadow tendrils release the prisoners. Hazel tosses aside his vest, revealing his stash of Dust crystals]'' :'''Hazel Rainart''': ''GO, NOW!! [He stabs five crystals into his shoulders, overdosing his body with the Dust's power and activating his Semblance]'' :'''Emerald Sustrai''': Hazel...''[She shakes her head softly]'' :'''Hazel Rainart''': ''[smiles reassuringly]''...Go. :'''Salem''': So, you've decided ''against'' vengeance for your sister, after ''all'' this time? :'''Hazel Rainart''': ''[conjures fireballs over his fists, settling into a combat stance]'' I'm doing what ''Gretchen'' would have done! ===Ultimatum [Volume 8, Episode 10]=== ''[Cinder and Watts watch Monstra crumble in the distance]'' :'''Arthur Watts''': Did... Did anyone respond? :'''Cinder Fall''': ''[glances at her Scroll]'' No. :'''Arthur Watts''': Well, ''she'll'' come back. In the interim, we need a plan. :'''Cinder Fall''': Plan? The plan hasn't changed. I'm going to rip the Maiden power out of Penny Polendina, because ''you're'' going to bring her to me. :'''Arthur Watts''': I beg your pardon? :'''Cinder Fall''': You said in your message that you had control over Penny. :'''Arthur Watt''': I said that I had Penny ''under control'', not that I could telekinetically force her to do whatever I want. :'''Cinder Fall''':...''What?'' :'''Arthur Watts''': I implanted a ''virus'' into her, you dimwit. She's on a set path now... at least, she ''should'' be. ''[turns away]'' As much as I hate to admit it, there seems to be some part of her capable of... ''resisting.'' Regardless, it's only a matter of time before her mechanical body succombs to the virus. She'll open the Vault, then she'll destroy herself, and our little Penny problem will be- ''[Cinder suddenly siezes him by his lapel, dragging him close]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': What do you mean, she'll destroy herself?! How am I supposed to take her powers if she's dead?! :'''Arthur Watts''': You know, it's impressive that you haven't realized this yet, but I don't ''work'' for you! ''[Cinder growls and extends her Grimm arm, dangling Watts off the building's edge] Please''. You can't just threaten me, like everyone else! :'''Cinder Fall''': You think you're ''so'' clever, don't you, Arthur? :'''Arthur Watts''': Salem sent you to bring me back- :'''Cinder Fall''': ''Salem'', isn't here right now... but I think we can still come up with a plan, while she's ''pulling herself together.'' First, I'm gonna watch you plummet to an unremarkable end. And then, I'm gonna burn a path directly to the Vault. Where I will wait, to tear that magical puppet to ''pieces''... and take, what is ''mine.'' ''[She conjures flames in her fist, smiling confidently, but her smile fades as Watts starts to laugh]'' :'''Arthur Watts''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, of ''course'' you are! Because that's just what you ''do'', isn't it? And how has that worked out for you? ''[Cinder's Maiden powers begin to activate, as his words trigger flashbacks of her previous defeats]'' You ''stormed'' into Fria's room, thinking you could take on Ironwood's top fighter and war machine. But you ''couldn't.'' And that ''machine'' became the Winter Maiden. Oh, and let's not forget your deal with Raven Branwen! Get all your enemies in one place so you'd have a ''shot'' at revenge. If ''only'' someone could have warned you against such a miserable idea! Oh, wait: ''I DID!'' But ''you'' pushed ahead, and you lost it when all you had to do was your ''job!'' ''[Cinder becomes increasingly angry as she flashes back to her childhood abuse]'' :'''Arthur Watts''': You think you're entitled to everything just because you've suffered, but suffering ''isn't'' enough! You can't just be strong, you have to be ''smart!'' You can't just be deserving, you have to be ''worthy!'' But all you have ''ever'' been, is a ''BLOODY MIGRAINE!'' ''[Cinder screams in rage, but instead of letting Watts fall, she drops him at her feet; she walks away and sits quietly on the ledge, shedding a silent tear. Behind her, Watts exhales heavily]'' ===Risk [Volume 8, Episode 11]=== :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[glaincing at the broken armor]'' You know, that giant Hound kicked us around like we were ''nothing''. But Blake said you and the Schnees managed to take it down. Still having to one-up your big sis, huh? :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[quietly]'' ... Did she tell you what it was, underneath? :'''Yang Xiao Long''':... Yeah. :'''Ruby Rose''': You know what that ''means'', then. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ...I wouldn't worry about that- :'''Ruby Rose''': ''That's what happened to Mom. [Yang's facade of confidence falls, and she sits down and starts to cry]'' When I saw its' eyes... I knew. Salem used to ''kill'' people with Silver Eyes... like Maria. But she's alway wanted ''me'' alive. Why would that change, unless... when she met Mom... she learned she could do something ''new.'' :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[stands up, approaches Ruby]'' Ruby... :'''Ruby Rose''': We shouldn't lie to ourselves! I wasted our time, getting Amity up, thinking help would come, but it didn't. And Amity ''fell''. I was being childish. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ...You were being ''optimistic. [Sits with Ruby]'' Look, blind optimism isn't great... but ''no'' optimism, means we've already lost. We ''need'' hope. We need, to take risks- :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[ pulls away angrily]'' But mine ''didn't'' work! :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[sighs]'' It still got a warning out! Ruby, they're not called sure things! They're called risks, and in case you didn't notice, ''my'' plan for Mantle didn't work either! But we got Oscar back, and did a ''lot'' more that was never in the plan. Mom... took a risk, the day she left. And I don't think... I don't think it went the way she wanted it to. ''[hugs Ruby, who is tearing up]'' But she's ''still'' my hero. ----- :'''Penny Polendina''': ''[overcome by the virus]'' I can no longer be delayed.''[Ruby, her friends and Emerald rush outside as Penny prepares to take off]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[rushes to her and grabs her arm]'' Penny, ''please!'' :'''Penny Polendina''': ''[flickering between herself and the virus]'' I- I ''must'' open the Vault! ''Rrgh!'' I' I do not want- ''Agh!'' Ruby! Stop me! :'''Ruby Rose''': Penny! ''[grabs Penny's waist]'' :'''Penny Polendina''': ''[her eyes go fully red with the virus]'' I ''must'' open the Vault. And self-terminate. ''[She takes off, Ruby clinging to her, but Blake catches her arm with Gambol Shroud; Ren catches her other arm with StormFlower. Both of them strain to hold her back, Nora, Yang, Jaune and Oscar supporting them. Once Penny returns to the ground, Wiess anchors her with a Gravity Glyph]'' :'''Weiss Schnee''': I've got her! :'''Nora Valkyrie''': What do we do?! ''[Penny activates her Maiden powers, breaking Weiss' grip with a cyclone and lifting off, still carrying Ruby.]'' :'''Penny Polendina''': I ''must''... open the Vault... and ''self-terminate!'' ''[Emerald catches her by the shoulders with Thieve's Respite, anchoring her again]'' :'''Emerald Sustrai''': ''Do'' something! ''[Jaune uses his Semblance to amplify Weiss's Aura, allowing her to connjure a stronger Glyph and force Penny back to the ground.]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[hugging Penny's shoulders]'' Penny, ''please.'' Tell me how to help you! :'''Penny Polendina''': ''[her eyes turn green again]...Kill me. [Ruby looks shocked]'' Kill me... and I can make ''sure'' the power goes to you. Please... ''please! [the virus starts to take her over again]'' I cannot fight it! :'''Nora Valkyrie''': Yes, you can! It's just a ''part'' of you, remember? If you were ''only'' a machine, you ''never'' could've fought back for this long! :'''Ruby Rose''':... She's right... She's right! ''Jaune!'' Boost her Aura! ''[Jaune amplifys Penny's Aura with his Semblance, forcing the virus back. Ruby slowly releases Penny, who smiles and nods gratefully to Jaune, before Ruby hugs her. The group gathers around, with Nora hugging her too.]'' :'''Jaune Arc''': Did... I stop the virus? :'''Penny Polendina''': ''[frowns]''... No. It's still there. But... :'''Ruby Rose''': ''[holds her hand]'' You've got an ''Aura'', Penny. A ''soul. That's'' who you are. Our ''friend''... not a machine. ''[Penny beams, squeezing her and Nora's hands]'' :'''Emerald Sustrai''': I think you're ''wrong'', by the way. ''[the group turn to face her]'' I highly doubt you're in the same place, ''you'' started. I mean, yeah...you, you guys've been getting your asses kicked. Some of that, my fault. But, like, you're at ''war.'' You're gonna take hits. ''[sighs]'' Look, I'm just gonna be ''super'' pissed if you all ''finally'' decide to give up the moment I switch sides! :'''Oscar Pine''': ''[smiles]'' "Switch sides", huh? :'''Yang Xiao Long''': Awww... ''[the group laugh]'' :'''Emerald Sustrai''': ''[pouts]'' Or, like... whatever! ''[Oscar offers her a hand up]'' :'''Oscar Pine''': If, you all don't mind... I really think ''Ozpin'' would like to say something. ''[the group glance at Ruby]'' :'''Ruby Rose''': ...Go ahead. ''[Oscar relinquishes control of his body to Ozpin]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': I was recently... reminded, of an old fairy tale. A young girl, flees the consequences of a choice, to a magical place. But, having never learned from her initial failure... she only succeeds in spreading it. I failed, ''all'' of you. I should have trusted you, with the truth... and should never have ''run'', the day you discovered it. :'''Yang Xiao Long''': ''[glances at Blake]'' It was... rough. But... :'''Blake Belladonna''': I think after everything that's happened here... we understand. Trust is... :'''Weiss Schnee''': Trust is, a ''risk. [glances at her family]'' :'''Professor Ozpin/Ozma''': And I hope... it's a risk you can take on me, again. ===Creation [Volume 8, Episode 12]=== ===Worthy [Volume 8, Episode 13]=== ===The Final Word [Volume 8, Episode 14]=== ''[Cinder corners a weakened Weiss]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': It figures that a ''Schnee'' would be the last one standing. Letting all your friends die, first... ''[She spews flames at Weiss, but Penny flies in and deflects them with her crystal blades]'' :'''Penny Polendina''': You wouldn't know ''anything'', about friends. ''[Jaune leaps into the fight, blasting Cinder back with his shield, and drawing his sword. As Cinder rises to face the trio, she gasps in pain as her Grimm arm suddenly convulses]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': ''[smugly] She's back...'' ''[As Penny flies forward, Cinder forces her back with obsidian projectiles, then uses walls of flame to separate her, Weiss and Jaune. As Penny looks for them in concern, she gives a cry of pain as Cinder's Grimm arm impales her torso. She crumples to the ground, but Weiss drives Cinder away before she can siphon Penny's Maiden powers. Jaune kneels next to her.]'' :'''Jaune Arc''': Penny! Just... hold on! ''[He tries to boost her Aura]'' My Semblance- :'''Penny Polendina''': ''No''... There's not enough time to heal me. She can't get the Staff ''and'' the power. But there ''is'' something, you can do. ''[she reaches for his sword]'' :'''Jaune Arc''': ''[pulls back, shocked]'' I- I don't know where the others are, but- Weiss will give us time! ''[Behind them, Weiss desperately tries to hold off Cinder's relentless attacks, using both her sword and Blake's, but she is clearly outmatched. Penny reaches for Jaune's sword again.]'' :'''Penny Polendina''': Let me choose... this ''one'' thing. ''[smiles weakly]'' Trust me! ''[As Jaune stares at his sword, Cinder knocks Gambol Shroud from Weiss's hand, sending it into the void. In the Winter Maiden's Vault, Ironwood lands a heavy blow on Winter, throwing her backward and breaking her Aura. Cinder knocks down Weiss, advancing for the killing blow, but freezes when she hears Jaune's anguished cry behind her. Both his tears and Penny's blood from his sword, drip onto the platform.]'' ''[In a limbo-like space, Penny waits patiently. She suddenly smiles and waves]'' :'''Penny Polendina''': Sal-u- tations! You made it! :'''Winter Schnee''': ''[approaching her]'' Where... what is this? :'''Penny Polendina''': I thought of you... and, here we are. :'''Winter Schnee''': ''[understanding instantly]'' Oh, ''Penny''... :'''Penny Polendina''': It seemed fitting, that it should be you. It was ''your'' power, after all. :'''Winter Schnee''': No, Penny. ''You'' were always the real Maiden, at heart. ''I'' was just the machine... just, following orders. :'''Penny Polendina''': ''[takes Winter's hands in hers]'' You were my ''friend.'' ''[The glow of the Maiden Powers passes from her hands, to Winter's]'' :'''Winter Schnee''': ...''Thank you'', for trusting me with this. When you're gone- :'''Penny Polendina''': I won't be ''gone''. I'll be part of you. :'''Winter Schnee''': ''[smiling tearfully]'' Good. I'm glad. ''[Penny smiles one last time and dissolves into light as Winter wakes, to find Ironwood staring down at her]'' :'''James Ironwood''': So... the destiny I chose for you, has finally arrived. ''[Winter rises to her feet, her head lowered.]'' :'''Winter Schnee''': You chose ''nothing. [An icy whirlwind lifts her and her swords, off the ground]'' This... was a ''gift.'' ''[She opens her eyes, blue flames flaring from them. Ironwood fires his Dust cannon, but Winter effortlessly deflects the shot back, knocking him down, then flies into the Vault's portal]'' ---- ''[In the Winter Maiden's Vault, an injured Ironwood awakens. As Cinder exits the portal carrying the Staff and the Lamp, her smug expression turns frightened as a trail of smoke swirls down the lift toward her.]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': I... I failed you again, Master. They used the Staff to save ''thousands.'' Before our allies fell, Neopolitan... ''killed'', Ruby. And before Ruby and her teammates fell... They ''used'' the Lamp's final question. ''[The smoke circles Cinder, then swirls together, materializing into Salem. Her eyes narrow suspiciously]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': I- I couldn't stop them! I couldn't even stop the Maiden from escaping, without putting the Relics in jeopardy! I'm... I'm sorry. ''[she kneels, holding out the Staff and Lamp. Salem approaches and accepts the Relics, examining them]'' :'''Salem''': In pursuit of a new world... no cost, is too great. You've done well, Cinder. Our work here is done. ''[She starts to leave the Vault; Cinder rises and follows her, looking smug again. Ironwood crawls toward his dropped gun]'' :'''Salem''': You said they ''used'' the Staff? I assume you rid the world of their Creation. What did you create... in its' stead? ''[In Atlas' military compound, flames engulf the complex. Inside Atlas Central Command, Watts tries in vain to break out, screaming in desperation]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': I merely added more ''flames'', to the fires of Atlas. ''[Salem smiles. There is a sudden click of a hammer, and Cinder glances back to see Ironwood aiming his pistol at her. She smiles]'' :'''Cinder Fall''': And that's... ''checkmate''. ''[As she and Salem leave the Vault, Ironwood sadly lowers the gun, accepting his fate. As Salem and Cinder fly away from the burning city, Atlas crashes into Mantle's crater. The impact dislodges glacial ice, causing nearby frozen lakes to rapidly flood and submerge the city. From the airship, Qrow, Robyn and the Ace-Ops watch in shock, Qrow desperately calling for Ruby and Yang in his earpiece.]'' == Volume 9 == ===A Cat Most Curious [Volume 9, Episode 4]=== :'''Herbalist''': Please... take a seat. :'''Blake''': Actually, I think... Maybe we should be going! ''[nervously smiles]'' Right, Ruby? :'''Herbalist''': This won’t take long. :'''Ruby''': Umm... ''[turns around]'' :''[Suddenly, the door behind them closes, and Team RWBY gasps in shock.]'' :'''Herbalist''': Just... answer the questions. ''[Ruby turns around. He inhales another puff of smoke from the hookah; echo]'' ''What... are... you?'' :''[The Herbalist drops the leaves in their hands into the fire pit in front of them, causing a large amount of black smoke to surround Team RWBY. Ruby starts to cough violently, falling to her knees. Her shrunken teammates fall out of her hands.]'' :'''Ruby''': No! ''[coughs again]'' :'''Herbalist''': ''[echo]'' Are you sure you know? You have to be sure what you are, and of what you’re going to be... :''[Weiss, Blake, and Yang get up, but the smoke is too thick for them to see, and they are separated.]'' :'''Yang''': Blake! Ruby! ''[coughs; Black smoke comes out from her mouth and it takes the form of her own past self; confused]'' What? :'''Past Yang''': You don’t have to go forward, y’know? You can go back, back to before. :'''Yang''': ''[stares down at her prosthetic arm and holds it]'' What? What are you talking about? :''[Meanwhile, in another space with Blake and her past self...]'' :'''Past Blake''': It’s simple, really. You could just be human, or just a cat, if you wanted. Really, it’s up to you. :'''Blake''': Why would I do that? :'''Past Blake''': Like I said, it’s simple, much simpler than trying to be a bridge between Humans and Faunus. Why struggle with that responsibility? :''[The current Blake frowns. Meanwhile, in another space with Weiss and her past self..]'' :'''Past Weiss''': The Schnee name. Why bother, anymore? What even stands for now? Instead, you could be a nobody. Could you imagine? Not even a single bit of baggage on your shoulders. Isn’t that what you want? To be free? :'''Past Blake''': To be something simpler? :'''Past Yang''': To be whole again? :'''Yang''': ''[gives a serious, yet determined look on her face]'' No. My losses, my failures. Those more than anything are what have shaped me into who I am, showed me how I need to grow. If there’s something I’m missing, it’s not because I lost it. It’s because I haven’t found it yet. And the only way to do that is to keep going. :'''Blake''': A simple life wouldn’t be my life! ''[draws Gambol Shroud’s katana]'' My family, my friends, my culture. I belong to them, just as much as they belong to me. To give that all away wouldn’t be simplicity, it would be betrayal. :'''Weiss''': I don’t know who you think you are, but let me tell you who I am: I am the granddaughter of a hero and a child of a villain. ''[points Myrtenaster at her past self]'' I am a citizen of a fallen Kingdom and an heir to nothing. I will not be defined by my name because I will be the one to define it. I am Weiss Schnee, and I am a Huntress! :'''Blake''': I am a Huntress! :'''Yang''': I am a Huntress! :''[Elsewhere, Ruby is seen despondent and is on her knees while her past self stands over her.]'' :'''Past Ruby''': So, are you a Huntress? Like the ones you read about in books? :'''Ruby''': ''[quietly]'' I... I don’t know... :'''Past Ruby''': They always saved the day, didn’t they? Always knew what to do. Always won in the end. :'''Ruby''': ''[lowering her head]'' But... life isn’t like a fairy tale... :'''Past Ruby''': That’s right! It’s up to you to make things better, isn’t it? Everything all depends on you! Your sister needs you, your friends need you, the whole world needs you to keep fighting, forever and ever, against an invincible monster that took your mother! ''[Ruby’s eyes widen upon hearing this]'' Mom was the best, ''[frowning]'' but even she failed. That doesn’t seem fair. None of this seems fair. :'''Ruby''': But... What am I supposed to do...? :'''Past Ruby''': You can do whatever you want. Be whoever you want! You don’t even have to be Ruby Rose... ''[Ruby looks down, seemingly on the verge of despair]'' So, what are you gonna be? ===The Perils of Paper Houses [Volume 9, Episode 7]=== :'''Jaune''': ''[slamming his hands to the ground]'' I couldn’t save them... I was supposed to save them and... and they’re dead... ''[Juniper walks to his side and comforts him]'' :'''Yang''': No, Jaune. They’re gone, but they’re not dead. They’ll be back. :'''Weiss''': Yeah, it’s what they wanted. ''[turns to Ruby]'' Right, Ruby? :'''Ruby''': ''[has a scowling expression on her face; venomous]'' Why are you asking me? :'''Blake''': ''[she, Weiss, and Yang look at her in shock]'' Um, we just-- :'''Ruby''': Because I’m the leader? ''[clenches fist]'' Because I’m just supposed to have something to say? ''[looks up angrily]'' Cuz I don’t... I mean, why do I have to be the leader anyway? Why do I have to always be the one to pick people up? What about me? “No time”, right? ''[walks to Weiss, who reels back]'' "Gotta get home!", "Gotta help Jaune!", Gotta find someone who isn’t just going to screw everything up! ''[turns to Blake and Yang]'' “Gotta stay positive!” Right?! ''[Blake hides behind Yang, who instinctively protects her as Ruby approaches them; sarcastically]'' Smiles all around! Maybe even finally get our feelings sorted out! Good for you, by the way. We’re all so happy for you! :'''Yang''': ''[angered]'' Hey... :'''Ruby''': I’m sorry, is this a bad time? '''''Are we supposed to be mourning Jaune’s make-believe friends?!''''' :'''Jaune''': ''[seething]'' They’re gone... because of YOU! ''[stands up]'' The Walkers came for you, because Neo. Hates. '''YOU!''' ''[walks over to Ruby]'' '''Oh, and let’s not forget the reason we’re in the Ever After in the first place is because of your plan that didn’t work! What about you?! <big>IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU!</big>''' ''[Ruby looks up at him angrily, gritting her teeth and on the verge of tears]'' :'''Weiss''': Jaune... :'''Jaune''': ''[snaps out of his rage and realizes what he said]'' I’m sorry, I… I know I’m not okay. I- I’m not right, but... How am I supposed to be...? I’ve been alone… for '''SO... LONG!''' Here... On that bridge... I was the only one that could do it! I was the '''ONLY ONE!''' ''[Weiss, Blake, and Yang, look at him in pity]'' And I... ''[tears stream down his face]'' And now I have to live with that forever... In here or back home... :'''Blake''': Guys, I know things are bad, but-- :'''Ruby''': ''[grimacing]'' Shut... Up... ''[the gang look at her wide-eyed]'' Don’t... do that... ''[tears begin to stream down her face]'' Just don’t... :''[Little lowers their head in pity in Ruby’s hood. Ruby then turns around and picks up Crescent Rose, using her Semblance to fly away from her friends and sister into the forest. Weiss, Blake and Yang helplessly watch their leader go, while Jaune and Juniper over look the now submerged village of the Paper Pleasers.]'' ===Tea Amidst Terrible Trouble [Volume 9, Episode 8]=== :''[Ruby walks through the forest. It begins to darken around her as she continues to walk. A glowing blue butterfly flutters past Ruby. As Ruby continues walking, a spotlight appears above her. Each spotlight shows Ruby walking slowly and much slower than the first two. She crosses the bridge between the Origami Acre and the Abandoned Acre. She arrives at a pink-colored extravagant manor that Neo created. Everything goes dark. Another spotlight appears above Ruby again, but this time, Ruby is somehow inside the mansion and in a room standing in front of a portrait of a family of three. The other portraits appear in few spotlights. The first two portraits depict Trivia Vanille--Neo's real name--both as a child and adolescent, with her parents Jimmy and Carmel Vanille. The other portrait depicts her with Cinder standing besides Salem’s throne. Ruby slowly walked towards the largest portrait, depicting Roman Torchwick and Neo with her parents lying on the ground, apparently dead.]'' :'''Ruby''': What is this? :''[As Ruby stares at the portrait, Roman’s left eye moves to gaze at her direction.]'' :'''Neo-Roman''': Hello, Red! ''[Ruby gasps and brandishes Crescent Rose’s scythe form, backing away from the portrait. He stands up from his seat]'' Been a while. ''[jumps off from the trunk and casually walks]'' How’s the hero biz treatin’ ya? I gotta say, you’re not looking too good. ''[gives a kick at Jimmy's corpse]'' :'''Ruby''': Where’s Neo? :'''Neo-Roman''': Yeesh, no manners. And after everyone came out to see you! ''[echoes]'' :''[The lights begin to turn on in the room Ruby was in. Ruby turns around and becomes astonished to see certain people at the table: Penny Polendina, Pyrrha Nikos, Leonardo Lionheart, Clover Ebi, Ozpin and General James Ironwood. Each of them has a cup of tea in front of them.]'' :'''Neo-Penny''': ''[saluting]'' Salutations, Ruby! :'''Neo-Pyrrha''': ''[waving]'' Hello again! :''[Neo-Lionheart is seen fiddling with his lion tail before he looks at Ruby and sits up straight. Neo-Clover adjusts his clover badge.]'' :'''Neo-Ozpin''': ''[adjusting his glasses]'' Miss Rose. :'''Neo-Ironwood''': ''[smiling and gesturing]'' Why don’t you take a seat? :'''Ruby''': ''[looks on at the sight of the dead people she knew with horror]'' How is she doing this? ''[everyone at the table laughs at her bewilderment]'' Stop it! This isn’t real! :'''Neo-Roman''': ''[suddenly appears next to Ruby]'' Is it real? ''[Ruby becomes startled by his presence beside her and falls to the floor]'' You’re the one following a talking cat around a fairy tale. ''[walks away from Ruby, twirling Melodic Cudgel. He jumps onto the table. Everyone stops laughing and stares at Ruby]'' Reality’s gettin’ fuzzier by the minute, kid. ''[Ruby twirls Crescent Rose scythe and changes to sniper gun at Neo-him and the Neo-others. He twirls his cane and plants it back on the floor; Walks towards the otherside of the table then stops just as he was about to step on the tea cup. He hops over then turns around to face Ruby]'' Y’know once Neo realized where she was, everything changed. Always loved the idea of a place to run away from it all. Do whatever you want. ''[sits down cross-legged on the table between Neo-Lionheart and Neo-Clover]'' I offered that to her back on Remnant. ''[gives a frown]'' But we all remember how that ended. :'''Ruby''': Is that seriously what this is all about!? You still blame me for what happened to Torchwick!? ''[Neo-Roman growls]'' If you’re looking for an apology, you’ve wasted your time! :''[On atop of the tea party room, Little arrives and watches, having not heeded Ruby's words from earlier.]'' :'''Neo-Roman''': They say everyone thinks they’re the hero of their own story. ''[everyone at the table gives a wry grin; their eyes change to Neo’s eye colors]'' But... ''[stands up]'' I knew what I was. And deep down, I think you know you are too. ''[steps onto the teacup containing multi-colored liquid, breaking it with his shoe, as he walks towards Ruby. He takes out a multi-colored leaf in his hand]'' :'''Ruby''': The leaves from the Tree? :'''Neo-Roman''': Oh, you’re familiar? How about a little reset? :'''Ruby''': Is that what you want? Well, if you want me dead, then come get me! :'''Neo-Roman''': ''[chuckles]'' You don’t deserve to die, Red. You deserve to be broken down... ''[casually releases the leaf]'' Torn apart... ''wiped from existence''. :''[The multi-colored leaf falls into the teacup. Ruby hears the sound behind her and turns around, aiming Crescent Rose at Neo. Neo jumps over Ruby as she blocks the potshots with Hush. As Neo flies over Ruby, Neo-Roman shoots at Ruby with Melodic Cudgel. Ruby is sent backwards away from the table. Neo-Roman catches Neo with a chuckle as everyone at the table applauds. Neo smiles at Neo-Roman before they both look down on Ruby. Neo-Roman places Neo to the ground.]'' :'''Neo-Roman''': I’m gonna enjoy... :'''Neo-Everyone''': ''[stand up from their seats]'' '''...Watching you break.''' ''[they have their eyes closed with eerie smiles. Neo-Roman kneels behind Neo, who gives a closed-eye smile]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines of the series]'' :''[Back at the tea party room, Ruby uses her Semblance to dodge the attacks from Neo-Penny, Neo-Pyrrha, Neo-Lionheart and Neo-Ironwood with their weapons while Roman, Neo, Neo-Ozpin and Neo-Clover are watching.]'' :'''Neo-Ironwood''': Who were you to think you knew what was best for Atlas? :'''Neo-Pyrrha''': I was the best and brightest Beacon had to offer. ''[Ruby gets shot down and clings onto the chandelier]'' But I traded my life so my friends could live! :''[Neo-Pyrrha throws Miló javelin at the chain of the chandelier. Ruby falls to the floor, the impact breaking her Aura. She gets up to try and reach for Crescent Rose, but is stopped by Neo-Penny’s Maiden powered Floating Array. Ruby looks back at her.]'' :'''Neo-Penny''': Just like you were too late to save me at the Vytal Festival... I died in Atlas too, didn’t I? ''[walks towards Ruby]'' Can you imagine what that's like? To be completely and utterly failed... time and again... ''[kneels down to Ruby]'' by someone who meant the world to you... :''[Ruby reaches her hand towards Neo-Penny with her eyes on the verge of tears, but Neo-Roman uses the curved end of Melodic Cudgel to choke her from behind.]'' :'''Neo-Roman''': You ready for that drink yet? ''[Ruby manages to break free from his choking grip and runs but gets attacked by Neo-Pyrrha]'' :'''Neo-Pyrrha''': How many more people are going to die because of '''you?!''' ''[swings her body around Miló javelin and delivers a kick at Ruby, sending her to the wall. She struggles to walk along it]'' :'''Ruby''': I’m trying to save everyone! ''[gets punched in the gut by Neo-Ironwood, who then pins her to the wall]'' :'''Neo-Ironwood''': And yet with all your best intentions... ''[Little gasps in shock, watching Ruby getting overwhelmed]'' Have you ever stopped to wonder if you’d done more harm than good!? ''[throws Ruby to the floor]'' :'''Ruby''': It’s not my fault...! ''[attempts to reach Crescent Rose, only to get beaten up by Neo-Ozpin with The Long Memory]'' :'''Neo-Ozpin''': '''How many more lives do you have to ruin before you realize you’re not cut out to save anyone!?''' :'''Ruby''': ''[grabs Crescent Rose and slashes at Neo-Ozpin]'' '''NO!!!''' :''[The Long Memory falls to the floor. Ruby becomes horrified to see that she slashes Neo-Oscar in Neo-Ozpin’s place.]'' :'''Neo-Oscar''': ''[stares at his hand tainted with his own blood]'' Ruby... :''[Neo-Oscar falls backwards and dies. Ruby drops Crescent Rose and collapses on her knees. Neo-Penny and Neo-Clover approach Neo-Oscar’s corpse. Neo-Penny, covering her mouth in shock, then changes to Neo-Yang. Neo-Clover changes to Neo-Qrow, now horrified over Neo-Oscar’s "death". Neo-Lionheart changes to Neo-Blake looking at Ruby in disbelief. Neo-Ironwood changes to Neo-Weiss looking down at Ruby.]'' :'''Neo-Roman''': Do you really think you can stand to watch more of your friends fall? :'''Ruby''': Please... stop... :'''Neo-Roman''': Or are you ready to admit the truth? That the world would just be better off without you? :''[Neo-Jaune appears in Neo-Pyrrha’s place with Neo-Nora and Neo-Ren, mourning over Neo-Oscar. Ruby begins to hyperventilate in fear and panic as Neo-Jaune, Neo-Ren and Neo-Nora join the others. Ruby breaks down in broken sobs, placing her head and hands to the floor. Neo carries the teacup and approaches Ruby. She places down the teacup and moves it with her boot towards Ruby. Ruby lifts her head slowly, staring at the teacup filled with a multi-colored liquid. Neo kneels down before Ruby. Ruby stares at the teacup before she looks at Neo, who stands up and looks down on her with a smirk. Neo turns and gets attacked by a beam. She is sent flying backwards to outside of the manor. Her Semblance suddenly dispels over the manor. Ruby, in her perspective of view, slowly opens her eyes. A hole of the manor is shown with the Great Tree in the background. She then blinks and opens to multi-colored leaf brewing in the teacup. She later blinks to see the Cat.]'' :'''Curious Cat''': It’s all right, Ruby. It’s over now. :'''Ruby''': What? I’m sorry… ''[moves her body over]'' I don’t want to be me anymore... ''[softly sobs, the Cat rubs his paw on her shoulder]'' :'''Curious Cat''': It’s okay, little Huntress... ''[jumps onto Ruby’s torso]'' '''I can be you instead...''' ''[Ruby opens her eyes in realization; he chuckles]'' I have been trying to wear you down for so long! ''[phases his paws through Ruby’s chest, causing her to scream in pain and agony]'' :'''Ruby''': What are you... doing?! ''[gasps]'' :'''Curious Cat''': My purpose. When a poor little heart is broken, I can fill it with mine. I’m afraid I haven’t been entirely honest with you, Ruby. ''[bares their fangs]'' :'''Ruby''': '''NO!''' :'''Curious Cat''': I’m not like the other Afterans here, I’m cursed with curiosity. I need to know everything! ''[their eyes turn black]'' But more than anything, I need to know why my makers left me here… ''[hisses]'' Only to leave and make all of-- OW!! ''[turns around to find Little biting his tail]'' :'''Little''': You’re not a friend! Friends don’t--! :''[The Cat swats Little away from his tail, sending the mouse to the floor. Little slowly recovers. Neo runs back inside the manor. The Cat hisses at Neo. He tries to fire another beam, but Neo turns out to be another glass copy. The real Neo is behind him and she swats away the Cat with Hush.]'' :'''Little''': Ruby! ''[pulls Ruby by her finger]'' You have to get up. We have to go! :''[As Little tries to drag Ruby, Neo stomps on Little with her boot, apparently killing them ruthlessly. Neo sneers down on Ruby with Neo-Roman standing behind her. Ruby becomes utterly horrified after Little was killed in front of her, the light in her eyes is gone. The teacup is slided to Ruby.]'' :'''Neo-Roman''': Hmph. I think it’s about time we all got what we deserve. ''[Ruby slowly moves her body. Weiss, Blake, Yang, Jaune and Juniper finally arrive only to see Neo looking down on the wounded Ruby]'' Are you ready to admit the truth? That the world would just be better off without you? :''[Ruby, having had up to hear with "evil all along" characters, her plans to help people being ruined and what Jaune yelled to her earlier, stares at her teammates, Jaune and Juniper, thinking that they're another one of Neo's clones. She then slowly picks up the teacup in her hands. She gives them one last look. Yang watches in shock as Ruby drinks the entire tea, to Neo's satisfaction. Ruby drops the teacup and lies there, completely helpless and hopeless.]'' :'''Yang''': ''[muted]'' ...Ruby? :''[A hole appears below Ruby and she falls into it along with Little, Crescent Rose, the tea cup and the tea plate engulfed in a bright light. R.I.P. Ruby Rose]'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://rwby.wikia.com/wiki/RWBY_Wiki RWBY Wikia] * [http://roosterteeth.com/home.php Rooster Teeth Productions] * [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUBVPK8x-XMhCW2fW7ZYlD9MHjvmT8IGK YouTube: RWBY Playlist] * [https://www.reddit.com/r/RWBY/ RWBY Reddit] [[Category:Internet shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] ihu2lpq12fe9f922ne33smu1d2wgw25 1 175151 3955106 2314753 2026-06-21T17:24:11Z ~2026-35950-81 3344306 /* 'Is duct tape safe for keeping the poopy in?' */ new section 3955106 wikitext text/x-wiki {{talkheader}} == 'Is duct tape safe for keeping the poopy in?' == It is a very important thing Mark the Plier said on his Google Feud video [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35950-81|&#126;2026-35950-81]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35950-81|talk]]) 17:24, 21 June 2026 (UTC) eo6ls0fygh1fx6vg1vw3vs0myxrsxl4 0 182020 3955252 3611674 2026-06-22T07:26:45Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Other */ 3955252 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Sex Tape (film)|Sex Tape]]''''' is a 2014 [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] starring [[Cameron Diaz]] and [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]]. The film is about a married couple who accidentally synchronize a sex tape they made of themselves to several iPads and must get it back before it goes viral. :''Directed by [[w:Jake Kasdan|Jake Kasdan]]. Written [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]], [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]], and Kate Angelo. {{center|'''The chase to erase begins.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Jay Hargrove== * Nobody understands the cloud. ==Other== * '''Hank''': Can I get you anything? Coffee? Finger sandwiches? …Sliced pineapple? * '''Owner of YouPorn''': Not Playboy! Did Hugh send you? ==Dialogue== :'''Robby''': Who has sex for three hours? :'''Jay''': We did! :'''Robby''': That's the length of the movie ''[[w:Lincoln (film)|Lincoln]]''. You did the full Lincoln. <hr width=50%> :''[repeated lines]'' :'''Annie''': I love fucking you. :'''Jay''': I fucking love you. <hr width=50%> :'''Owner of YouPorn''': See this is the thing, you put me in a position where my only options are to beat your ass or call the Goddamn cops. :'''Jay''': Sir, I see where you are coming from. :'''Owner of YouPorn''': Actually, I think we should beat their ass and call the Goddamn cops. :'''Bodyguard''': I was thinking the same shit! ==Taglines== * A movie about a movie they don't want you to see. * They did everything but delete it. * Their privates have just gone public. * The chase to erase begins. ==Cast== * [[Cameron Diaz]] – Annie Hargrove * [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]] – Jay Hargrove * [[w:Rob Corddry|Rob Corddry]] – Robbie * [[w:Ellie Kemper|Ellie Kemper]] – Tess * [[w:Rob Lowe|Rob Lowe]] – Hank Rosenbaum * [[w:Nat Faxon|Nat Faxon]] – Max * [[w:Nancy Lenehan|Nancy Lenehan]] – Linda * [[w:Randall Park|Randall Park]] – Edward * Dave "Gruber" Allen – Mailman * [[Jack Black]] (''uncredited'') – the owner of [[w:YouPorn|YouPorn]] ==External links== {{wikipedia|Sex Tape (film)}} * {{imdb title|id=1956620|title=Sex Tape}} * {{mojo title|id=sextape|title=Sex Tape}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=sex_tape_2014|title=Sex Tape}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sex Tape}} [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films about pornography]] [[Category:Films directed by Jake Kasdan]] qr22izs8vmkl5s9bz77r28bk77wxzlg 3955253 3955252 2026-06-22T07:27:37Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Dialogue */ 3955253 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Sex Tape (film)|Sex Tape]]''''' is a 2014 [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] starring [[Cameron Diaz]] and [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]]. The film is about a married couple who accidentally synchronize a sex tape they made of themselves to several iPads and must get it back before it goes viral. :''Directed by [[w:Jake Kasdan|Jake Kasdan]]. Written [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]], [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]], and Kate Angelo. {{center|'''The chase to erase begins.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Jay Hargrove== * Nobody understands the cloud. ==Other== * '''Hank''': Can I get you anything? Coffee? Finger sandwiches? …Sliced pineapple? * '''Owner of YouPorn''': Not Playboy! Did Hugh send you? ==Dialogue== :'''Robby''': Who has sex for three hours? :'''Jay''': We did! :'''Robby''': That’s the length of the movie Lincoln. You did the full Lincoln. ---- ''(repeated lines)'' :'''Annie''': I love fucking you. :'''Jay''': I fucking love you. ---- :'''Owner of YouPorn''': See this is the thing, you put me in a position where my only options are to beat your ass or call the Goddamn cops. :'''Jay''': Sir, I see where you are coming from. :'''Owner of YouPorn''': Actually, I think we should beat their ass and call the Goddamn cops. :'''Bodyguard''': I was thinking the same shit! ==Taglines== * A movie about a movie they don't want you to see. * They did everything but delete it. * Their privates have just gone public. * The chase to erase begins. ==Cast== * [[Cameron Diaz]] – Annie Hargrove * [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]] – Jay Hargrove * [[w:Rob Corddry|Rob Corddry]] – Robbie * [[w:Ellie Kemper|Ellie Kemper]] – Tess * [[w:Rob Lowe|Rob Lowe]] – Hank Rosenbaum * [[w:Nat Faxon|Nat Faxon]] – Max * [[w:Nancy Lenehan|Nancy Lenehan]] – Linda * [[w:Randall Park|Randall Park]] – Edward * Dave "Gruber" Allen – Mailman * [[Jack Black]] (''uncredited'') – the owner of [[w:YouPorn|YouPorn]] ==External links== {{wikipedia|Sex Tape (film)}} * {{imdb title|id=1956620|title=Sex Tape}} * {{mojo title|id=sextape|title=Sex Tape}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=sex_tape_2014|title=Sex Tape}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sex Tape}} [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films about pornography]] [[Category:Films directed by Jake Kasdan]] 1554kmhyzsehfhnf6dxu1ajo6ujmheo 3955254 3955253 2026-06-22T07:28:13Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Cast */ 3955254 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Sex Tape (film)|Sex Tape]]''''' is a 2014 [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] starring [[Cameron Diaz]] and [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]]. The film is about a married couple who accidentally synchronize a sex tape they made of themselves to several iPads and must get it back before it goes viral. :''Directed by [[w:Jake Kasdan|Jake Kasdan]]. Written [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]], [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]], and Kate Angelo. {{center|'''The chase to erase begins.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Jay Hargrove== * Nobody understands the cloud. ==Other== * '''Hank''': Can I get you anything? Coffee? Finger sandwiches? …Sliced pineapple? * '''Owner of YouPorn''': Not Playboy! Did Hugh send you? ==Dialogue== :'''Robby''': Who has sex for three hours? :'''Jay''': We did! :'''Robby''': That’s the length of the movie Lincoln. You did the full Lincoln. ---- ''(repeated lines)'' :'''Annie''': I love fucking you. :'''Jay''': I fucking love you. ---- :'''Owner of YouPorn''': See this is the thing, you put me in a position where my only options are to beat your ass or call the Goddamn cops. :'''Jay''': Sir, I see where you are coming from. :'''Owner of YouPorn''': Actually, I think we should beat their ass and call the Goddamn cops. :'''Bodyguard''': I was thinking the same shit! ==Taglines== * A movie about a movie they don't want you to see. * They did everything but delete it. * Their privates have just gone public. * The chase to erase begins. ==Cast== * [[Cameron Diaz]] as Annie Hargrove * [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]] as Jay Hargrove * [[w:Rob Corddry|Rob Corddry]] as Robbie * [[w:Ellie Kemper|Ellie Kemper]] as Tess * [[w:Rob Lowe|Rob Lowe]] as Hank Rosenbaum * [[w:Nat Faxon|Nat Faxon]] as Max * [[w:Nancy Lenehan|Nancy Lenehan]] as Linda * [[w:Randall Park|Randall Park]] as Edward * Dave "Gruber" Allen as Mailman * [[Jack Black]] (''uncredited'') as the owner of [[w:YouPorn|YouPorn]] ==External links== {{wikipedia|Sex Tape (film)}} * {{imdb title|id=1956620|title=Sex Tape}} * {{mojo title|id=sextape|title=Sex Tape}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=sex_tape_2014|title=Sex Tape}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sex Tape}} [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films about pornography]] [[Category:Films directed by Jake Kasdan]] ey5yzbcr8gavdqoxhg97fy1kmuuww0d 3955255 3955254 2026-06-22T07:28:27Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Taglines */ 3955255 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Sex Tape (film)|Sex Tape]]''''' is a 2014 [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] starring [[Cameron Diaz]] and [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]]. The film is about a married couple who accidentally synchronize a sex tape they made of themselves to several iPads and must get it back before it goes viral. :''Directed by [[w:Jake Kasdan|Jake Kasdan]]. Written [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]], [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]], and Kate Angelo. {{center|'''The chase to erase begins.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Jay Hargrove== * Nobody understands the cloud. ==Other== * '''Hank''': Can I get you anything? Coffee? Finger sandwiches? …Sliced pineapple? * '''Owner of YouPorn''': Not Playboy! Did Hugh send you? ==Dialogue== :'''Robby''': Who has sex for three hours? :'''Jay''': We did! :'''Robby''': That’s the length of the movie Lincoln. You did the full Lincoln. ---- ''(repeated lines)'' :'''Annie''': I love fucking you. :'''Jay''': I fucking love you. ---- :'''Owner of YouPorn''': See this is the thing, you put me in a position where my only options are to beat your ass or call the Goddamn cops. :'''Jay''': Sir, I see where you are coming from. :'''Owner of YouPorn''': Actually, I think we should beat their ass and call the Goddamn cops. :'''Bodyguard''': I was thinking the same shit! ==Taglines== * A movie about a movie they don’t want you to see. * They did everything but delete it. * Their privates have just gone public. * The chase to erase begins. ==Cast== * [[Cameron Diaz]] as Annie Hargrove * [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]] as Jay Hargrove * [[w:Rob Corddry|Rob Corddry]] as Robbie * [[w:Ellie Kemper|Ellie Kemper]] as Tess * [[w:Rob Lowe|Rob Lowe]] as Hank Rosenbaum * [[w:Nat Faxon|Nat Faxon]] as Max * [[w:Nancy Lenehan|Nancy Lenehan]] as Linda * [[w:Randall Park|Randall Park]] as Edward * Dave "Gruber" Allen as Mailman * [[Jack Black]] (''uncredited'') as the owner of [[w:YouPorn|YouPorn]] ==External links== {{wikipedia|Sex Tape (film)}} * {{imdb title|id=1956620|title=Sex Tape}} * {{mojo title|id=sextape|title=Sex Tape}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=sex_tape_2014|title=Sex Tape}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sex Tape}} [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films about pornography]] [[Category:Films directed by Jake Kasdan]] 0fnkmv27u7yikdfz7ugrd08twtkg1bq 10 183586 3955118 3801747 2026-06-21T18:22:33Z Hhrlan23 3222540 /* */ 3955118 wikitext text/x-wiki <noinclude>{{italic title}}{{Wikipedia|Template:Ice Age}}</noinclude>{{clear}} {|style="margin:1em auto; width:800px;background-color:#2d9edf;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" |- |style="background:#1e5cb3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" align=center valign=middle colspan=2 height=45px|[[File:Ice Age logo.svg|125px|center]] |- |style="background:#4684db;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122); align=right|<small><span style="color:white;">'''&nbsp;&nbsp;Feature&nbsp;films&nbsp;&nbsp;'''</span></small> |style="background:white;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|<small>&nbsp; <span style="color:navy;">''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|<span style="color:#2d9edf;">Ice Age</span>]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2002)</small> '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown|<span style="color:#2d9edf;">The Meltdown</span>]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2006)</small> '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs|<span style="color:#2d9edf;">Dawn of the Dinosaurs</span>]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2009)</small> '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift|<span style="color:#2d9edf;">Continental Drift</span>]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2012)</small> '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course|<span style="color:#2d9edf;">Collision Course</span>]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2016)</small> '''·''' ''[[The Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild|<span style="color:#2d9edf;">The Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild</span>]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2022)</small>&nbsp;</span></small> '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: Boiling Point|<span style="color:#2d9edf;">Boiling Point</span>]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2027)</small> |- |style="background:#4684db;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" align=right|<small><span style="color:white;">'''&nbsp;&nbsp;Short&nbsp;films&nbsp;&nbsp;'''</span></small> |style="background:white;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|<small>&nbsp; <span style="color:navy;">''[[Gone Nutty]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2002)</small> '''·''' ''[[No Time for Nuts]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2006)</small> '''·''' ''[[Surviving Sid]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2008)</small> '''·''' ''[[Cosmic Scrat-tastrophe]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2015)</small> '''·''' ''[[Scrat: Spaced Out]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2016)</small>&nbsp;</span></small> |- |style="background:#4684db;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" align=right|<small><span style="color:white;">'''&nbsp;&nbsp;Television&nbsp;specials&nbsp;&nbsp;'''</span></small> |style="background:white;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|<small>&nbsp; <span style="color:navy;">''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas|<span style="color:#2d9edf;">A Mammoth Christmas</span>]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2011)</small> '''·''' ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade|<span style="color:#2d9edf;">The Great Egg-Scapade</span>]]'' <small>&nbsp;(2016)</small> &nbsp;</span></small> |}<noinclude>[[Category:Disney franchises navigational templates]] [[Category:Animated film series navigational templates]]</noinclude> rx0dpgca9495mkvk9nlteyyxzvxdf34 0 183889 3955260 3170517 2026-06-22T07:37:03Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Maura Ellis */ 3955260 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Sisters (2015 film)|Sisters]]''''' is a 2015 American comedy film directed by [[w:Jason Moore (director)|Jason Moore]] and written by [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]]. The film was released on December 18, 2015 by [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal Pictures]]. == Kate Ellis == * You're so full of shit, I'm gonna buy you Pull-Ups. * What fresh fuckery is this? * Get your peanut butter out of my sister's chocolate. * I'm not a hothead, I'm brassy! * ''[the sisters have visited their parents uninvited only to realize that they are otherwise engaged]'' Did we just cock block our parents? == Maura Ellis == * ''(the sisters are clothes shopping for the party)'' We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42. * Dear Diary, today I tried a tampon. No thanks, Tom Hanks. * Can I borrow me your bathroom? Number one only. == Other == * '''James''': Is it past the tutu? * '''Brinda''': Everyone say a non-denominational prayer to yourselves. * '''Tattooed Bodybuilder''': My safe word is "keep going". == Dialogue == :'''Kate Ellis''': Do you have any kids? :'''Tattooed Bodybuilder''': I'm sure I do. <hr width="50"/> :'''Old Patient''': I don't need lotion in there! :'''Maura Ellis''': Ssshh. Think you NEED lotion in there. ==Cast== * [[Tina Fey]] - Kate Ellis * [[Amy Poehler]] - Maura Ellis * [[w:Maya Rudolph|Maya Rudolph]] - Brinda * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] - James * [[w:Dianne Wiest|Dianne Wiest]] - Deana Ellis * [[w:James Brolin|James Brolin]] - Bucky Ellis * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] - Pazuzu * [[w:Madison Davenport|Madison Davenport]] - Hayley * [[John Leguizamo]] - Dave * [[w:Bobby Moynihan|Bobby Moynihan]] - Alex * [[w:Rachel Dratch|Rachel Dratch]] - Kelly * [[w:Brian d'Arcy James|Brian d'Arcy James]] - Jerry * [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] - Phil * [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dana * [[w:Jon Glaser|Jon Glaser]] - Dan * [[w:Dan Byrd|Dan Byrd]] - Patrick Campbell * [[w:Greta Lee|Greta Lee]] - Hae Won * [[w:Santino Fontana|Santino Fontana]] - Mr. Geernt * [[w:Britt Lower|Britt Lower]] - Mrs. Geernt * [[w:Adrian Martinez|Adrian Martinez]] - Officer Harris * [[w:Kate McKinnon|Kate McKinnon]] - Sam * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] -Kim ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2015 films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] hp0n0f4p53bjbergj4lhk982plcuuya 3955261 3955260 2026-06-22T07:37:45Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Kate Ellis */ 3955261 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Sisters (2015 film)|Sisters]]''''' is a 2015 American comedy film directed by [[w:Jason Moore (director)|Jason Moore]] and written by [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]]. The film was released on December 18, 2015 by [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal Pictures]]. == Kate Ellis == * You’re so full of shit, I’m gonna buy you Pull-Ups. * What fresh fuckery is this? * Get your peanut butter out of my sister’s chocolate. * I'm not a hothead, I’m brassy! * ''(the sisters have visited their parents uninvited only to realize that they are otherwise engaged)'' Did we just cock block our parents? == Maura Ellis == * ''(the sisters are clothes shopping for the party)'' We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42. * Dear Diary, today I tried a tampon. No thanks, Tom Hanks. * Can I borrow me your bathroom? Number one only. == Other == * '''James''': Is it past the tutu? * '''Brinda''': Everyone say a non-denominational prayer to yourselves. * '''Tattooed Bodybuilder''': My safe word is "keep going". == Dialogue == :'''Kate Ellis''': Do you have any kids? :'''Tattooed Bodybuilder''': I'm sure I do. <hr width="50"/> :'''Old Patient''': I don't need lotion in there! :'''Maura Ellis''': Ssshh. Think you NEED lotion in there. ==Cast== * [[Tina Fey]] - Kate Ellis * [[Amy Poehler]] - Maura Ellis * [[w:Maya Rudolph|Maya Rudolph]] - Brinda * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] - James * [[w:Dianne Wiest|Dianne Wiest]] - Deana Ellis * [[w:James Brolin|James Brolin]] - Bucky Ellis * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] - Pazuzu * [[w:Madison Davenport|Madison Davenport]] - Hayley * [[John Leguizamo]] - Dave * [[w:Bobby Moynihan|Bobby Moynihan]] - Alex * [[w:Rachel Dratch|Rachel Dratch]] - Kelly * [[w:Brian d'Arcy James|Brian d'Arcy James]] - Jerry * [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] - Phil * [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dana * [[w:Jon Glaser|Jon Glaser]] - Dan * [[w:Dan Byrd|Dan Byrd]] - Patrick Campbell * [[w:Greta Lee|Greta Lee]] - Hae Won * [[w:Santino Fontana|Santino Fontana]] - Mr. Geernt * [[w:Britt Lower|Britt Lower]] - Mrs. Geernt * [[w:Adrian Martinez|Adrian Martinez]] - Officer Harris * [[w:Kate McKinnon|Kate McKinnon]] - Sam * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] -Kim ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2015 films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] debmx91pc06lfiof4ao8e031aboi2nr 3955263 3955261 2026-06-22T07:38:13Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Other */ 3955263 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Sisters (2015 film)|Sisters]]''''' is a 2015 American comedy film directed by [[w:Jason Moore (director)|Jason Moore]] and written by [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]]. The film was released on December 18, 2015 by [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal Pictures]]. == Kate Ellis == * You’re so full of shit, I’m gonna buy you Pull-Ups. * What fresh fuckery is this? * Get your peanut butter out of my sister’s chocolate. * I'm not a hothead, I’m brassy! * ''(the sisters have visited their parents uninvited only to realize that they are otherwise engaged)'' Did we just cock block our parents? == Maura Ellis == * ''(the sisters are clothes shopping for the party)'' We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42. * Dear Diary, today I tried a tampon. No thanks, Tom Hanks. * Can I borrow me your bathroom? Number one only. == Other == * '''James''': Is it past the tutu? * '''Brinda''': Everyone say a non-denominational prayer to yourselves. * '''Tattooed Bodybuilder''': My safe word is “keep going”. == Dialogue == :'''Kate Ellis''': Do you have any kids? :'''Tattooed Bodybuilder''': I'm sure I do. <hr width="50"/> :'''Old Patient''': I don't need lotion in there! :'''Maura Ellis''': Ssshh. Think you NEED lotion in there. ==Cast== * [[Tina Fey]] - Kate Ellis * [[Amy Poehler]] - Maura Ellis * [[w:Maya Rudolph|Maya Rudolph]] - Brinda * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] - James * [[w:Dianne Wiest|Dianne Wiest]] - Deana Ellis * [[w:James Brolin|James Brolin]] - Bucky Ellis * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] - Pazuzu * [[w:Madison Davenport|Madison Davenport]] - Hayley * [[John Leguizamo]] - Dave * [[w:Bobby Moynihan|Bobby Moynihan]] - Alex * [[w:Rachel Dratch|Rachel Dratch]] - Kelly * [[w:Brian d'Arcy James|Brian d'Arcy James]] - Jerry * [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] - Phil * [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dana * [[w:Jon Glaser|Jon Glaser]] - Dan * [[w:Dan Byrd|Dan Byrd]] - Patrick Campbell * [[w:Greta Lee|Greta Lee]] - Hae Won * [[w:Santino Fontana|Santino Fontana]] - Mr. Geernt * [[w:Britt Lower|Britt Lower]] - Mrs. Geernt * [[w:Adrian Martinez|Adrian Martinez]] - Officer Harris * [[w:Kate McKinnon|Kate McKinnon]] - Sam * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] -Kim ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2015 films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] o55vm9tatuspz7aaz4i9uqdfcrudtzr 3955264 3955263 2026-06-22T07:38:49Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Dialogue */ 3955264 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Sisters (2015 film)|Sisters]]''''' is a 2015 American comedy film directed by [[w:Jason Moore (director)|Jason Moore]] and written by [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]]. The film was released on December 18, 2015 by [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal Pictures]]. == Kate Ellis == * You’re so full of shit, I’m gonna buy you Pull-Ups. * What fresh fuckery is this? * Get your peanut butter out of my sister’s chocolate. * I'm not a hothead, I’m brassy! * ''(the sisters have visited their parents uninvited only to realize that they are otherwise engaged)'' Did we just cock block our parents? == Maura Ellis == * ''(the sisters are clothes shopping for the party)'' We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42. * Dear Diary, today I tried a tampon. No thanks, Tom Hanks. * Can I borrow me your bathroom? Number one only. == Other == * '''James''': Is it past the tutu? * '''Brinda''': Everyone say a non-denominational prayer to yourselves. * '''Tattooed Bodybuilder''': My safe word is “keep going”. == Dialogue == :'''Kate Ellis''': Do you have any kids? :'''Tattooed Bodybuilder''': I’m sure I do. ---- :'''Old Patient''': I don’t need lotion in there! :'''Maura Ellis''': Ssshh. Think you NEED lotion in there. ==Cast== * [[Tina Fey]] - Kate Ellis * [[Amy Poehler]] - Maura Ellis * [[w:Maya Rudolph|Maya Rudolph]] - Brinda * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] - James * [[w:Dianne Wiest|Dianne Wiest]] - Deana Ellis * [[w:James Brolin|James Brolin]] - Bucky Ellis * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] - Pazuzu * [[w:Madison Davenport|Madison Davenport]] - Hayley * [[John Leguizamo]] - Dave * [[w:Bobby Moynihan|Bobby Moynihan]] - Alex * [[w:Rachel Dratch|Rachel Dratch]] - Kelly * [[w:Brian d'Arcy James|Brian d'Arcy James]] - Jerry * [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] - Phil * [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dana * [[w:Jon Glaser|Jon Glaser]] - Dan * [[w:Dan Byrd|Dan Byrd]] - Patrick Campbell * [[w:Greta Lee|Greta Lee]] - Hae Won * [[w:Santino Fontana|Santino Fontana]] - Mr. Geernt * [[w:Britt Lower|Britt Lower]] - Mrs. Geernt * [[w:Adrian Martinez|Adrian Martinez]] - Officer Harris * [[w:Kate McKinnon|Kate McKinnon]] - Sam * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] -Kim ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2015 films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] dex9n623fxpokkwsaazsd4zuu8qwhm7 3955265 3955264 2026-06-22T07:39:42Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Cast */ 3955265 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Sisters (2015 film)|Sisters]]''''' is a 2015 American comedy film directed by [[w:Jason Moore (director)|Jason Moore]] and written by [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]]. The film was released on December 18, 2015 by [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal Pictures]]. == Kate Ellis == * You’re so full of shit, I’m gonna buy you Pull-Ups. * What fresh fuckery is this? * Get your peanut butter out of my sister’s chocolate. * I'm not a hothead, I’m brassy! * ''(the sisters have visited their parents uninvited only to realize that they are otherwise engaged)'' Did we just cock block our parents? == Maura Ellis == * ''(the sisters are clothes shopping for the party)'' We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42. * Dear Diary, today I tried a tampon. No thanks, Tom Hanks. * Can I borrow me your bathroom? Number one only. == Other == * '''James''': Is it past the tutu? * '''Brinda''': Everyone say a non-denominational prayer to yourselves. * '''Tattooed Bodybuilder''': My safe word is “keep going”. == Dialogue == :'''Kate Ellis''': Do you have any kids? :'''Tattooed Bodybuilder''': I’m sure I do. ---- :'''Old Patient''': I don’t need lotion in there! :'''Maura Ellis''': Ssshh. Think you NEED lotion in there. ==Cast== * [[Tina Fey]] as Kate Ellis * [[Amy Poehler]] as Maura Ellis * [[w:Maya Rudolph|Maya Rudolph]] as Brinda * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] as James * [[w:Dianne Wiest|Dianne Wiest]] as Deana Ellis * [[w:James Brolin|James Brolin]] as Bucky Ellis * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] as Pazuzu * [[w:Madison Davenport|Madison Davenport]] as Hayley * [[John Leguizamo]] as Dave * [[w:Bobby Moynihan|Bobby Moynihan]] as Alex * [[w:Rachel Dratch|Rachel Dratch]] as Kelly * [[w:Brian d'Arcy James|Brian d'Arcy James]] as Jerry * [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] as Phil * [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] as Dana * [[w:Jon Glaser|Jon Glaser]] as Dan * [[w:Dan Byrd|Dan Byrd]] as Patrick Campbell * [[w:Greta Lee|Greta Lee]] as Hae Won * [[w:Santino Fontana|Santino Fontana]] as Mr. Geernt * [[w:Britt Lower|Britt Lower]] as Mrs. Geernt * [[w:Adrian Martinez|Adrian Martinez]] as Officer Harris * [[w:Kate McKinnon|Kate McKinnon]] as Sam * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] as Kim ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2015 films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] 8lg9psuwyryp8lrtjmeh0rw2na2jkyd 0 184210 3955229 3952850 2026-06-22T05:46:39Z ~2026-36305-92 3344444 /* Operation: N.A.U.G.H.T.Y. [5.01] */ 3955229 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ==Season 5== === ''Operation: N.A.U.G.H.T.Y.'' [5.01] === :'''Numbuh 1''': I guess we can all have fun in our own way. :'''Numbuh 3''': Hooray! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Look out, true believer. With bones of solid peppermintium, the ferocious leader of Santa's elite strike force, ELFA Strike, is Wintergreen! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 1''': ''[after the KND break in the Naughty or Nice System and confronts the Delightful Children, they aim at them]'' All right, for the last time, out of the— ''[they notice]'' :'''Delightful Children''': ''[the REINDEER System turn them into Grinch-like monsters]'' Help us, please! You must help us! === ''Operation: E.L.E.C.T.I.O.N.S.'' [5.02] === :'''Delightful Children''': Thank you fellow students for electing US as your new president. We think you'll find the rest of the school year to be quite... delightful. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Van der Baan''': Mr. Dickson! I'd prefer if you and Mr. Cavallaro ''[distressed, worriedly]'' discussed invading elementary schools ''[continuing angry]'' after my class! :'''Chad and Chuckie''': ''[disappointed, sadly]'' Yes, Mrs. Van der Baan. === ''Operation: D.U.C.K.Y.'' [5.03] === === ''Operation: D.I.A.P.E.R.'' [5.04] === :'''Numbuh 2''': Alright, where'd that baby go? :'''Numbuh 2''': AAH! I'm hit! everything's going stinky! === ''Operation: B.U.L.L.I.E.S.'' [5.05] === === ''Operation: F.I.S.H.Y.'' [5.06] === === ''Operation: B.R.E.A.K.U.P.'' [5.07] === :'''Ernest''': ''[on the recorded message]'' Hello, this is an anonymous message...from Ernest. Perhaps you think that your [insert breakable object here] is missing. But the truth is, [insert name of kid here] has taken it to a Vaseball to be smashed into eleventy billion pieces! Thank you. === ''Operation: S.A.F.A.R.I.'' [5.08] === === ''Operation: V.I.R.U.S.'' [5.09] === :'''Numbuh 1''': ''[regarding the teens' prom]'' Now, I'm going to flow the meeting to Numbuh 2, who has prepared an elaborate computer stimulation of our plan to solve! :'''Numbuh 4''': Oh yeah! This is gonna rock! :'''Numbuh 2''': Well... I kinda didn't have time to make computer stimulation, so... I made a diorama instead! But it should still explain our basic attack the same way. First, we'll be like OOOOOGHH Wah WHOOSH! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! The teenagers go WAH! It's the Kids Next Door! Then we'll be like WOOOO SWWWAAAMM! And then they're like AAH NO HELP US! HELP US! Then we'll be like RRRAARRGHH! RARARARAGGRGHH! Then they'll go OH NO, PLEASE! We surrender! ''[ends up destroying his diorama and smiles]'' :'''Numbuh 4''': That's the same diarrhea thing you made for history class! === ''Operation: O.U.T.B.R.E.A.K.'' [5.10] === === ''Operation: C.A.N.Y.O.N.'' [5.11] === === ''Operation: H.O.L.I.D.A.Y.'' [5.12] === :'''Numbuh 3''': Toilet-paper tube to chew on, sir? Chew tube? Would you like a chew tube? Chew tube for you? [ Squeaking ] okay, I'll bring you your sunflower seeds in a second! Chew tu- r-r-r-r-r-r! Dmitri, what did I say about squirting soda on a national flight?! === ''Operation: C.A.K.E.D.-.F.I.V.E.'' [5.13] === :'''Father''': That kid doesn't get out much does he? :'''Numbuh 86''': He's from the 19th century. :'''Father''': The 19th century? Get out of here. :'''Numbuh 86''': It's true. He's like, never seen cars and stuff. Go on. Ask him something. :'''Father''': ''[Calling to Numbuh 19th Century]'' Hey, 19th century kid?! You want to watch a ''cartoon,'' on the ''television?'' :'''Numbuh 19th Century''': What are cartoons? And what is this thing called...tel-e-vision? :''[Father and Numbuh 86 laughs until Numbuh 19th Century licks the cake]'' :'''Father''': Hey, what do you think you're doing?! Nobody except for my delightful children is allowed to eat this cake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 3''': I'll take one of ''those!'' :''[Numbuh 3 tricks the Ice Cream Henchman to look behind himself]'' :'''Henchman''': One of what? :''[She tries to squeeze his shoulder to make him unconscious, but it did not work.]'' :'''Henchman''': What are you doing? :'''Numbuh 3''': Eh, sorry. :'''Numbuh 5''': Hello. Try this. ''[Numbuh 5 uses a S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Numbuh 5 disguised herself as henchman]'' :'''Henchman''': Hey, aren't you a little short to be an ice cream man? :'''Numbuh 5''': Aw, come on. I'm taller than ''that'' guy. :'''Henchman''': Where? ''[looks away; Numbuh 3 tries to squeeze his shoulder but it did not work again]'' Thanks! I had the worst crick in the shoulder- :'''Numbuh 5''': ''[holding an ice cream gun]'' Try this next time. === ''Operation: R.E.C.R.U.I.T.'' [5.14] === === ''Operation: D.A.D.D.Y.'' [5.15] === :'''Mr. Boss''': What are you doing in my house, Numbuh 1? And what are you doing out of bed, Shaunie? :'''Shaunie''': I was just getting a drink of water dad. :'''Nigel Uno''': Mr. Boss, I should've known that a villain like you would do such a thing like that to a kids hair. But to your own son? :'''Mr. Boss''': What it looks great a real work of art if you ask me. :'''Numbuh 1''': Cut that out we're taking Shaunie away and putting him into the Kids Next Door haircut protection program so that you'll never do to him what you did to Paddy. :'''Mr. Boss''': Oh no, you don't. Shaunie go to your room. :'''Shaunie''': Alright, dad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 83''': Dark...Base...'''MENT!''' === ''Operation: C.L.O.W.N.'' [5.16] === === ''Operation: S.P.A.N.K.E.N.S.T.I.N.E.'' [5.17] === :'''Numbuh 2''': Rainbow Monkeys. Some say they're filled with love. Others say that every one is made with a great big rainbow. But I say they're nothing but trouble. For instance, I was once at a dinner party where a little girl decided that if she couldn't have her sister's Posh Party Rainbow Monkey, then no one would. And when a certain detective caught her doing the deed, she paid the price. Grounded for life with no hope for TV. Everyone thought that was the end of the story, but not me. Some kids just don't know when they'll leave things buried, some kids want revenge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Genki Sanban''': Now, Kani. Relax. The least we could do is let her play in her room while she's grounded. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 2''': Why'd you do it, Mushi? Why did you bring Posh Party Rainbow Monkey back to spank me?! :'''Mushi Sanban''': Revenge! But I guess you can't trust a Rainbow Monkey to do a kindergartener's JOB! :'''Numbuh 2''': Jeez, Mushi! I'm not going to fight you. You're like five-year...''[Mushi tackles him]'' Well, maybe I'll fight you just this once. But don't tell anyone. :'''Mushi Sanban''': HI-YAH! THOUSAND COLOR SHOWER OF DOOOOOOOOOM!!! ''[spins as she blasts a lot of crayons to attack Numbuh 2]'' :'''Numbuh 2''': Yikes! ''[Numbuh 2 runs in the closet to hide from Mushi's crayons. voiceover]'' It looked like I was trapped. Trapped like a boy forced to go dress-shopping with his mom, until... :'''Count Spankulot''': That Rainbow Monkey. I can feel my Spankulocity coursing through it! ''[he bites the Rainbow Monkey]'' Yes! ''[laughs maniacally as he regains his powers]'' :'''Mushi Sanban''': Come on out, Hoagie! You can't hide from my eleventy-billion color shower of doom! :'''Count Spankulot''': ''[emerging from the closet]'' Those who feel the power of Spankiness and combine it with fluffy stuffed animals, shall feel the stingy wrath of COUNT SPANKULOT!!! ''[Mushi screaming]'' :''[Count Spankulot spanks Mushi multiple times as he laughs maniacally. Mushi cries with her hands on her butt after being spanked]'' :'''Count Spankulot''': And now, Hoagie Gilligan, it is time for... DESSERT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mushi''': ''[laughs in evilly]'' I'll get you Gilligan! I'll get you and if it's a '''LAST THING I DO!''' ''[she and King Sandy riding away]'' :'''Numbuh 2''': Kindergarteners. === ''Operation: H.O.T.S.T.U.F.F.'' [5.18] === :'''Numbuh 1''': What's that smell? Who's cooking hamburgers? :'''Numbuh 5''': I don't know about hamburgers, but your buns are burning! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kani Sanban''': ''[after Numbuh 1 told him to go home and lower the temperature; visibly suffering from heat frustration]'' HA! I can't even get ''near'' the thermostat! '''''IT'S SO HOT!''''' ''[regains composure and sit on the chair]'' I'm staying right here where it's nice and comfortable. === ''Operation: M.I.S.S.I.O.N.'' [5.19] === === ''Operation: L.I.C.O.R.I.C.E.'' [5.20] === :'''Numbuh 5''': Oh Hey Heiny! :'''Heinrich Von Marzipan''': Abigail, I, I, never got ein chance to zank you for saving me. :'''Numbuh 5''': Oh that's cool, Maybe this makes us even for Guatemala? :'''Heinrich Von Marzipan''': Not even close!, Not even if you saved mein life two zousand times! I- :'''Numbuh 5''': Chill out, man. Numbuh 5 was just kidding. Besides, you can thank me once we get back. :'''Heinrich Von Marzipan''': Uh, Back vhere, Fery funny, Abigail Lincoln!, I'll get out!, Und I'll finally haff mein revenge on you, Abigail! === ''Operation: H.O.M.E.'' [5.21] === === ''Operation: I.T.'' [5.22] === :''[talking to KND Operatives via computers]'' :'''Numbuh 362''': What? Okay. We're on it. Goodbye! ''[to another computer]'' Look, I don't care which level you’re on, Jonnee. Put that video game down right now, and find out what Knightbrace is doing at the kipsie! ''[to another computer]'' Sector V, D, Q, I told you I want that broccoli bar shut down ASA now! Moonbase out! ''[bumps on Numbuh 65.3]'' :'''Numbuh 65.3''': Sir, I need these official orders signed 73.0 seconds ago, sir! :'''Numbuh 362''': I'm sorry, Numbuh 65.3... ''[gets hit by a frisbee]'' Aw! :'''KND Operative 1''': Hey, a little help, Numbuh 362? :'''Numbuh 362''': ''[picks the frisbee and throws it back]'' Would you guys mind playing Whizbee on the Whizbee deck and not on my bridge? :'''KND Operative 1''': Uhh, yes sir ma'am! ''[to another operative]'' Hey dude, go on this time! :'''Numbuh 65.3''': Sir, what about those papers that need authorization? :'''Numbuh 362''': Uh... I... :'''Numbuh 96''': Numbuh 362! Sector B is under attack by angry history teachers! :'''KND Operative 2''': Sir, the cotton candy machine is filled with ants! :''[random operatives came and kept babbling to Numbuh 362]'' :'''Numbuh 362''': ''[tensed]'' Uh, Uh-huh... okay... I'll get on that... yeah, I'll try... ''[gets hit again with a frisbee]'' AW! :'''KND Operative 1''': A little help, Numbuh 362! :'''Numbuh 362''': ''[flared up]'' Ooh that's it! I want ''every'' Kids Next Door Operative at the Kids Next Door Super Convention Center for a quick-topelate portanic ''super'' secret meeting at 0500! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 2''': Oh, boy! If Numbuh 362 called for a meeting here, it's gotta be something really cool! :'''Numbuh 1''': ''[enthusiastically]'' Maybe she's going to commend us in front of everyone for our defeat of the mid-west moment of homemade coastal beast! :'''Numbuh 4''': Well, whatever this is about, it better be quick... I got to pee so bad, I... :'''Numbuh 86''': KIDS NEXT DOOR, ATTENTION! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 362''': At ease, everyone. I've got something super-double important to tell you all. It's something that I hate to do, but simply can't wait any longer. I'd like to say... :'''Numbuh 4''': Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Numbuh 362! :'''Numbuh 362''': Yes, Numbuh 4? :'''Numbuh 4''': Can I go to the bathroom? Please?! :'''Numbuh 362''': Can't it wait? I'm kind of in the middle of something important here... :'''Numbuh 4''': But really...really... REALLY...! :'''Numbuh 362''': ''[angry]'' Okay! Just go already! :'''Numbuh 4''': Yes! ''[left for the bathroom]'' :'''Numbuh 362''': What I was ''trying'' to say is that running this organization is all-consuming job. One that requires strength, patience, and your willingness to share your candy with everyone. At this point, I feel I have exhausted those very things. So it is this time, my fellow Kids Next Door, that I must say... ''[to Numbuh 86]'' TAG! You're ''it''! :'''Numbuh 86''': HAAAAH?! ''[everyone gets shocked and emptied the stadium]'' I'm ''it''?! What'll I do, what'll I do?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 4''': ''[just got out of the bathroom]'' Hey... Thought I was going to explode the... hey, where'd everybody go? :'''Numbuh 86''': Tag! You're ''it''! :'''Numbuh 4''': Hey! Come back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Numbuh 362 surprised with Numbuh 1]'' :'''Numbuh 1''': Relax! It's just me. :'''Numbuh 362''': Ugh, sorry Numbuh 1... I thought you might be ''it''. :'''Numbuh 1''': Yeah... wouldn't want that one now, would we? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 1''': So... Why don't you want to be ''it'' now, Rachel? Isn't it fun anymore? :'''Numbuh 362''': Fun? Everyone knows there's nothing ''fun'' about being Supreme Leader of the Kids Next Door! That's why we have that stupid game of tag to decide who does it. :'''Numbuh 1''': But you wanted the job back when Chad left, and you've been the best one yet! I mean, other your leadership, there's been a 60% reduction of the world's broccoli supply! :'''Numbuh 362''': Please. It's operatives like you do the real work. I'm just stuck on the moon base doing paperwork, I don't get to go on missions anymore, I have to feed eleventy hundred kids with short attention spans organized... I just don't want to do it anymore, Nigel... So I called in a game of tag. Whoever's ''it'' at noon, leading the Kids Next Door will be ''their'' problem. === ''Operation: Z.E.R.O.'' === :'''Numbuh 1''': There is a story, some kids tell, of when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, a book and a tree. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 1''': Some kids say Numbuh 0's victory that day was the dawn of the Seventh Age of the Kids Next Door. Others say this story is only make-believe. There never was a Numbuh 0, and there is no book of KND. But I believe the book exists, and I know what I will write in those pages if I ever find it. ''[Puts on his sunglasses]'' Five words only: I am Kids Next Door. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Numbuh 1 is huddled next to the stairs.]'' :'''Numbuh 1''' Some hero I am. I've ruined everything. ''[Takes off his sunglasses]'' I don't deserve to wear these glasses! ''[Throws his sunglasses at a trash can, knocking it down and revealing the Recommissioning Module, with Numbuh 1's booger inside]'' Huh? :'''Numbuh 101''': The recommissioning module. Its power source is Numbuh 0's booger. You have his DNA. You can track down the greatest hero the Kids Next Door have ever known and recommission him. You can save the world! :''[Numbuh 1 looks up at the stage to see Numbuh 101 speaking into a can.]'' :'''Numbuh 1''': What are you doing, Matt? :'''Numbuh 101''': Um, well, I never got your autograph in red. :'''Numbuh 1''': ''[Jumps up onto the stage]'' Jeez! You are such a fan boy. ''[Snatches the autograph book from Numbuh 101, writes down something on it, and gives it back to him]'' There! Now, if you don't mind, I have an appointment with a hero. ''[Puts his sunglasses back on]'' :'''Numbuh 101''': ''[Gives Numbuh 1 the K.N.D.N.A. Tracker]'' Don't forget the K.N.D.N.A. Tracker! :'''Numbuh 1''': Uh- ''[Takes the K.N.D.N.A. Tracker from Numbuh 101]'' -right, then. ''[Activates his J.E.T.A.B.O.O.T.S.]'' Wish me luck! ''[Flies off through the hole in the ceiling with the Recommissioning Module and the K.N.D.N.A. Tracker]'' :'''Numbuh 101''': ''[Wipes a tear from his eye while watching Numbuh 1 fly off through the hole in the ceiling]'' Wow. ''[Looks at his autograph book]'' Finally, I've got Numbuh 1's autograph in- ''[Discovers what Numbuh 1 wrote on his autograph book]'' Hey! You're not George Washington! Oh! I hate when you guys do stuff like that. ''[Walks away]'' It ruins the whole autograph book. I mean, seriously. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 86''': Hurry up with that device, will ya!? :'''Numbuh 2''': Look, this wouldn't be easy for me even if I had the right tools. :'''Numbuh 86''': Typical boy. Always an excuse for everything! :'''Numbuh 2''': You're no picnic yourself, Numbuh 86. You really need to lighten up. Try yoga or something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Benedict''': You. ''Big.'' :'''Father''': '''JERK!''' Now you've made me angry! '''VERY!''' '''VERY!!''' '''''VERY---!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pappy''': Is this the cafeteria? It's mushy bean night, you know. :'''Monty Uno''': Oh, hello, pappy. I didn't know you were coming for a visit. I wish I would've had a chance to tidy up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 1''': ''[Picks up the Recommissioning Module]'' Okay, Numbuh 0. Let's recommission you again. ''[The Recommissioning Module falls apart]'' No! Not now! You can't break now! :''[A holographic video appears.]'' :'''Numbuh 0''': Hello, son. :'''Numbuh 1''': Dad? :'''Numbuh 0''': If you're watching this, then we've won. Congratulations. You're probably wondering why the Recommissioning Module is broken. Well, I broke it. I had a hunch you might want to use it to get Numbuh 0 back. Well- look, I would love to have tons more adventures with the super cool Numbuh 1 and his team, but I'm- just not a kid anymore. I'm an adult, and I need to complete the most important mission of my life, being a good father to my son. So you're the keeper of the book now, Nigel. That's right. Keep a stiff upper lip, and make sure everyone gets to write their own crackerjack story. ''[Salutes Numbuh 1]'' :''[As the message ends, Numbuh 1 salutes. He sobs when Monty comes up behind him.]'' :'''Monty Uno''': I say, what's going on around here, old bean? You kids building one of your two-four techno-bob thingies? :'''Numbuh 1''': No, Dad. ''[Hugs Monty. Monty hugs him back]'' I was just playing with an old friend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 1''': There is a story, some kids tell, of not so long ago, when the world was almost ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story of how I found the book of KND, and what I wrote in it. Five words only: We are Kids Next Door. == External links== * {{Wikipedia-inline|Codename: Kids Next Door}} '''''Knuckles the Echidna Voiced by: Nobutoshi Canna (Japanese); Dan Green (English) A powerful and formidable anthropomorphic red echidna, Sonic's friendly rival, but also best friend, guardian of the Master Emerald, treasure hunter, and martial artist. Possessing immense super strength, Knuckles can smash obstacles, shatter rocks, and overpower foes. Despite his tough demeanor and occasional gullibility—he has been tricked by Eggman into doubting Sonic whom he clashes with—however he and Sonic proved to be invaluable allies. Knuckles takes the search for the Chaos Emeralds seriously, aiming to return to Sonic's world and protect the Master Emerald as soon as possible. Avi (voiced by Matthew Ferguson) - Avi, aka 'The Avalanche Kid' is an American Canadian kid that has a real knack for disaster. Is it a bad moon that hangs over his head or just the overlong bangs that hang in his eyes? Whatever the cause, Avi is seriously dexterity-challenged. All it takes from him is one "uh-oh" move to start an inevitable chain of mounting disasters. Captain Flamingo does not mind cleaning up Avi's messes, usually, but sometimes he wishes Avi would plan and call ahead, because if he is going with his mother to the china shop on Monday, Milo really should book the week off. Avi has three identical-looking younger sisters, who seem to have inherited Avi's ability to be a walking disaster, which also seems to run in his family.''''' [[Category:Codename: Kids Next Door seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 4lze96dctcwl430580bkd3tzods2zpe 3955232 3955229 2026-06-22T06:28:28Z ~2026-36305-92 3344444 /* Operation: N.A.U.G.H.T.Y. [5.01] */ 3955232 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ==Season 5== === ''Operation: N.A.U.G.H.T.Y.'' [5.01] === :'''Numbuh 1''': I guess we can all have fun in our own way. :'''Numbuh 3''': Hooray! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Look out, true believer. With bones of solid peppermintium, the ferocious leader of Santa's elite strike force, ELFA Strike, is Wintergreen! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 1''': ''[after the KND break in the Naughty or Nice System and confronts the Delightful Children, they aim at them]'' Okay, for the last time, out of the— ''[they notice]'' :'''Delightful Children''': ''[the REINDEER System turn them into Grinch-like monsters]'' Help us, please! You must help us! === ''Operation: E.L.E.C.T.I.O.N.S.'' [5.02] === :'''Delightful Children''': Thank you fellow students for electing US as your new president. We think you'll find the rest of the school year to be quite... delightful. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Van der Baan''': Mr. Dickson! I'd prefer if you and Mr. Cavallaro ''[distressed, worriedly]'' discussed invading elementary schools ''[continuing angry]'' after my class! :'''Chad and Chuckie''': ''[disappointed, sadly]'' Yes, Mrs. Van der Baan. === ''Operation: D.U.C.K.Y.'' [5.03] === === ''Operation: D.I.A.P.E.R.'' [5.04] === :'''Numbuh 2''': Alright, where'd that baby go? :'''Numbuh 2''': AAH! I'm hit! everything's going stinky! === ''Operation: B.U.L.L.I.E.S.'' [5.05] === === ''Operation: F.I.S.H.Y.'' [5.06] === === ''Operation: B.R.E.A.K.U.P.'' [5.07] === :'''Ernest''': ''[on the recorded message]'' Hello, this is an anonymous message...from Ernest. Perhaps you think that your [insert breakable object here] is missing. But the truth is, [insert name of kid here] has taken it to a Vaseball to be smashed into eleventy billion pieces! Thank you. === ''Operation: S.A.F.A.R.I.'' [5.08] === === ''Operation: V.I.R.U.S.'' [5.09] === :'''Numbuh 1''': ''[regarding the teens' prom]'' Now, I'm going to flow the meeting to Numbuh 2, who has prepared an elaborate computer stimulation of our plan to solve! :'''Numbuh 4''': Oh yeah! This is gonna rock! :'''Numbuh 2''': Well... I kinda didn't have time to make computer stimulation, so... I made a diorama instead! But it should still explain our basic attack the same way. First, we'll be like OOOOOGHH Wah WHOOSH! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! The teenagers go WAH! It's the Kids Next Door! Then we'll be like WOOOO SWWWAAAMM! And then they're like AAH NO HELP US! HELP US! Then we'll be like RRRAARRGHH! RARARARAGGRGHH! Then they'll go OH NO, PLEASE! We surrender! ''[ends up destroying his diorama and smiles]'' :'''Numbuh 4''': That's the same diarrhea thing you made for history class! === ''Operation: O.U.T.B.R.E.A.K.'' [5.10] === === ''Operation: C.A.N.Y.O.N.'' [5.11] === === ''Operation: H.O.L.I.D.A.Y.'' [5.12] === :'''Numbuh 3''': Toilet-paper tube to chew on, sir? Chew tube? Would you like a chew tube? Chew tube for you? [ Squeaking ] okay, I'll bring you your sunflower seeds in a second! Chew tu- r-r-r-r-r-r! Dmitri, what did I say about squirting soda on a national flight?! === ''Operation: C.A.K.E.D.-.F.I.V.E.'' [5.13] === :'''Father''': That kid doesn't get out much does he? :'''Numbuh 86''': He's from the 19th century. :'''Father''': The 19th century? Get out of here. :'''Numbuh 86''': It's true. He's like, never seen cars and stuff. Go on. Ask him something. :'''Father''': ''[Calling to Numbuh 19th Century]'' Hey, 19th century kid?! You want to watch a ''cartoon,'' on the ''television?'' :'''Numbuh 19th Century''': What are cartoons? And what is this thing called...tel-e-vision? :''[Father and Numbuh 86 laughs until Numbuh 19th Century licks the cake]'' :'''Father''': Hey, what do you think you're doing?! Nobody except for my delightful children is allowed to eat this cake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 3''': I'll take one of ''those!'' :''[Numbuh 3 tricks the Ice Cream Henchman to look behind himself]'' :'''Henchman''': One of what? :''[She tries to squeeze his shoulder to make him unconscious, but it did not work.]'' :'''Henchman''': What are you doing? :'''Numbuh 3''': Eh, sorry. :'''Numbuh 5''': Hello. Try this. ''[Numbuh 5 uses a S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Numbuh 5 disguised herself as henchman]'' :'''Henchman''': Hey, aren't you a little short to be an ice cream man? :'''Numbuh 5''': Aw, come on. I'm taller than ''that'' guy. :'''Henchman''': Where? ''[looks away; Numbuh 3 tries to squeeze his shoulder but it did not work again]'' Thanks! I had the worst crick in the shoulder- :'''Numbuh 5''': ''[holding an ice cream gun]'' Try this next time. === ''Operation: R.E.C.R.U.I.T.'' [5.14] === === ''Operation: D.A.D.D.Y.'' [5.15] === :'''Mr. Boss''': What are you doing in my house, Numbuh 1? And what are you doing out of bed, Shaunie? :'''Shaunie''': I was just getting a drink of water dad. :'''Nigel Uno''': Mr. Boss, I should've known that a villain like you would do such a thing like that to a kids hair. But to your own son? :'''Mr. Boss''': What it looks great a real work of art if you ask me. :'''Numbuh 1''': Cut that out we're taking Shaunie away and putting him into the Kids Next Door haircut protection program so that you'll never do to him what you did to Paddy. :'''Mr. Boss''': Oh no, you don't. Shaunie go to your room. :'''Shaunie''': Alright, dad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 83''': Dark...Base...'''MENT!''' === ''Operation: C.L.O.W.N.'' [5.16] === === ''Operation: S.P.A.N.K.E.N.S.T.I.N.E.'' [5.17] === :'''Numbuh 2''': Rainbow Monkeys. Some say they're filled with love. Others say that every one is made with a great big rainbow. But I say they're nothing but trouble. For instance, I was once at a dinner party where a little girl decided that if she couldn't have her sister's Posh Party Rainbow Monkey, then no one would. And when a certain detective caught her doing the deed, she paid the price. Grounded for life with no hope for TV. Everyone thought that was the end of the story, but not me. Some kids just don't know when they'll leave things buried, some kids want revenge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Genki Sanban''': Now, Kani. Relax. The least we could do is let her play in her room while she's grounded. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 2''': Why'd you do it, Mushi? Why did you bring Posh Party Rainbow Monkey back to spank me?! :'''Mushi Sanban''': Revenge! But I guess you can't trust a Rainbow Monkey to do a kindergartener's JOB! :'''Numbuh 2''': Jeez, Mushi! I'm not going to fight you. You're like five-year...''[Mushi tackles him]'' Well, maybe I'll fight you just this once. But don't tell anyone. :'''Mushi Sanban''': HI-YAH! THOUSAND COLOR SHOWER OF DOOOOOOOOOM!!! ''[spins as she blasts a lot of crayons to attack Numbuh 2]'' :'''Numbuh 2''': Yikes! ''[Numbuh 2 runs in the closet to hide from Mushi's crayons. voiceover]'' It looked like I was trapped. Trapped like a boy forced to go dress-shopping with his mom, until... :'''Count Spankulot''': That Rainbow Monkey. I can feel my Spankulocity coursing through it! ''[he bites the Rainbow Monkey]'' Yes! ''[laughs maniacally as he regains his powers]'' :'''Mushi Sanban''': Come on out, Hoagie! You can't hide from my eleventy-billion color shower of doom! :'''Count Spankulot''': ''[emerging from the closet]'' Those who feel the power of Spankiness and combine it with fluffy stuffed animals, shall feel the stingy wrath of COUNT SPANKULOT!!! ''[Mushi screaming]'' :''[Count Spankulot spanks Mushi multiple times as he laughs maniacally. Mushi cries with her hands on her butt after being spanked]'' :'''Count Spankulot''': And now, Hoagie Gilligan, it is time for... DESSERT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mushi''': ''[laughs in evilly]'' I'll get you Gilligan! I'll get you and if it's a '''LAST THING I DO!''' ''[she and King Sandy riding away]'' :'''Numbuh 2''': Kindergarteners. === ''Operation: H.O.T.S.T.U.F.F.'' [5.18] === :'''Numbuh 1''': What's that smell? Who's cooking hamburgers? :'''Numbuh 5''': I don't know about hamburgers, but your buns are burning! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kani Sanban''': ''[after Numbuh 1 told him to go home and lower the temperature; visibly suffering from heat frustration]'' HA! I can't even get ''near'' the thermostat! '''''IT'S SO HOT!''''' ''[regains composure and sit on the chair]'' I'm staying right here where it's nice and comfortable. === ''Operation: M.I.S.S.I.O.N.'' [5.19] === === ''Operation: L.I.C.O.R.I.C.E.'' [5.20] === :'''Numbuh 5''': Oh Hey Heiny! :'''Heinrich Von Marzipan''': Abigail, I, I, never got ein chance to zank you for saving me. :'''Numbuh 5''': Oh that's cool, Maybe this makes us even for Guatemala? :'''Heinrich Von Marzipan''': Not even close!, Not even if you saved mein life two zousand times! I- :'''Numbuh 5''': Chill out, man. Numbuh 5 was just kidding. Besides, you can thank me once we get back. :'''Heinrich Von Marzipan''': Uh, Back vhere, Fery funny, Abigail Lincoln!, I'll get out!, Und I'll finally haff mein revenge on you, Abigail! === ''Operation: H.O.M.E.'' [5.21] === === ''Operation: I.T.'' [5.22] === :''[talking to KND Operatives via computers]'' :'''Numbuh 362''': What? Okay. We're on it. Goodbye! ''[to another computer]'' Look, I don't care which level you’re on, Jonnee. Put that video game down right now, and find out what Knightbrace is doing at the kipsie! ''[to another computer]'' Sector V, D, Q, I told you I want that broccoli bar shut down ASA now! Moonbase out! ''[bumps on Numbuh 65.3]'' :'''Numbuh 65.3''': Sir, I need these official orders signed 73.0 seconds ago, sir! :'''Numbuh 362''': I'm sorry, Numbuh 65.3... ''[gets hit by a frisbee]'' Aw! :'''KND Operative 1''': Hey, a little help, Numbuh 362? :'''Numbuh 362''': ''[picks the frisbee and throws it back]'' Would you guys mind playing Whizbee on the Whizbee deck and not on my bridge? :'''KND Operative 1''': Uhh, yes sir ma'am! ''[to another operative]'' Hey dude, go on this time! :'''Numbuh 65.3''': Sir, what about those papers that need authorization? :'''Numbuh 362''': Uh... I... :'''Numbuh 96''': Numbuh 362! Sector B is under attack by angry history teachers! :'''KND Operative 2''': Sir, the cotton candy machine is filled with ants! :''[random operatives came and kept babbling to Numbuh 362]'' :'''Numbuh 362''': ''[tensed]'' Uh, Uh-huh... okay... I'll get on that... yeah, I'll try... ''[gets hit again with a frisbee]'' AW! :'''KND Operative 1''': A little help, Numbuh 362! :'''Numbuh 362''': ''[flared up]'' Ooh that's it! I want ''every'' Kids Next Door Operative at the Kids Next Door Super Convention Center for a quick-topelate portanic ''super'' secret meeting at 0500! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 2''': Oh, boy! If Numbuh 362 called for a meeting here, it's gotta be something really cool! :'''Numbuh 1''': ''[enthusiastically]'' Maybe she's going to commend us in front of everyone for our defeat of the mid-west moment of homemade coastal beast! :'''Numbuh 4''': Well, whatever this is about, it better be quick... I got to pee so bad, I... :'''Numbuh 86''': KIDS NEXT DOOR, ATTENTION! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 362''': At ease, everyone. I've got something super-double important to tell you all. It's something that I hate to do, but simply can't wait any longer. I'd like to say... :'''Numbuh 4''': Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Numbuh 362! :'''Numbuh 362''': Yes, Numbuh 4? :'''Numbuh 4''': Can I go to the bathroom? Please?! :'''Numbuh 362''': Can't it wait? I'm kind of in the middle of something important here... :'''Numbuh 4''': But really...really... REALLY...! :'''Numbuh 362''': ''[angry]'' Okay! Just go already! :'''Numbuh 4''': Yes! ''[left for the bathroom]'' :'''Numbuh 362''': What I was ''trying'' to say is that running this organization is all-consuming job. One that requires strength, patience, and your willingness to share your candy with everyone. At this point, I feel I have exhausted those very things. So it is this time, my fellow Kids Next Door, that I must say... ''[to Numbuh 86]'' TAG! You're ''it''! :'''Numbuh 86''': HAAAAH?! ''[everyone gets shocked and emptied the stadium]'' I'm ''it''?! What'll I do, what'll I do?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 4''': ''[just got out of the bathroom]'' Hey... Thought I was going to explode the... hey, where'd everybody go? :'''Numbuh 86''': Tag! You're ''it''! :'''Numbuh 4''': Hey! Come back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Numbuh 362 surprised with Numbuh 1]'' :'''Numbuh 1''': Relax! It's just me. :'''Numbuh 362''': Ugh, sorry Numbuh 1... I thought you might be ''it''. :'''Numbuh 1''': Yeah... wouldn't want that one now, would we? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 1''': So... Why don't you want to be ''it'' now, Rachel? Isn't it fun anymore? :'''Numbuh 362''': Fun? Everyone knows there's nothing ''fun'' about being Supreme Leader of the Kids Next Door! That's why we have that stupid game of tag to decide who does it. :'''Numbuh 1''': But you wanted the job back when Chad left, and you've been the best one yet! I mean, other your leadership, there's been a 60% reduction of the world's broccoli supply! :'''Numbuh 362''': Please. It's operatives like you do the real work. I'm just stuck on the moon base doing paperwork, I don't get to go on missions anymore, I have to feed eleventy hundred kids with short attention spans organized... I just don't want to do it anymore, Nigel... So I called in a game of tag. Whoever's ''it'' at noon, leading the Kids Next Door will be ''their'' problem. === ''Operation: Z.E.R.O.'' === :'''Numbuh 1''': There is a story, some kids tell, of when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, a book and a tree. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 1''': Some kids say Numbuh 0's victory that day was the dawn of the Seventh Age of the Kids Next Door. Others say this story is only make-believe. There never was a Numbuh 0, and there is no book of KND. But I believe the book exists, and I know what I will write in those pages if I ever find it. ''[Puts on his sunglasses]'' Five words only: I am Kids Next Door. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Numbuh 1 is huddled next to the stairs.]'' :'''Numbuh 1''' Some hero I am. I've ruined everything. ''[Takes off his sunglasses]'' I don't deserve to wear these glasses! ''[Throws his sunglasses at a trash can, knocking it down and revealing the Recommissioning Module, with Numbuh 1's booger inside]'' Huh? :'''Numbuh 101''': The recommissioning module. Its power source is Numbuh 0's booger. You have his DNA. You can track down the greatest hero the Kids Next Door have ever known and recommission him. You can save the world! :''[Numbuh 1 looks up at the stage to see Numbuh 101 speaking into a can.]'' :'''Numbuh 1''': What are you doing, Matt? :'''Numbuh 101''': Um, well, I never got your autograph in red. :'''Numbuh 1''': ''[Jumps up onto the stage]'' Jeez! You are such a fan boy. ''[Snatches the autograph book from Numbuh 101, writes down something on it, and gives it back to him]'' There! Now, if you don't mind, I have an appointment with a hero. ''[Puts his sunglasses back on]'' :'''Numbuh 101''': ''[Gives Numbuh 1 the K.N.D.N.A. Tracker]'' Don't forget the K.N.D.N.A. Tracker! :'''Numbuh 1''': Uh- ''[Takes the K.N.D.N.A. Tracker from Numbuh 101]'' -right, then. ''[Activates his J.E.T.A.B.O.O.T.S.]'' Wish me luck! ''[Flies off through the hole in the ceiling with the Recommissioning Module and the K.N.D.N.A. Tracker]'' :'''Numbuh 101''': ''[Wipes a tear from his eye while watching Numbuh 1 fly off through the hole in the ceiling]'' Wow. ''[Looks at his autograph book]'' Finally, I've got Numbuh 1's autograph in- ''[Discovers what Numbuh 1 wrote on his autograph book]'' Hey! You're not George Washington! Oh! I hate when you guys do stuff like that. ''[Walks away]'' It ruins the whole autograph book. I mean, seriously. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 86''': Hurry up with that device, will ya!? :'''Numbuh 2''': Look, this wouldn't be easy for me even if I had the right tools. :'''Numbuh 86''': Typical boy. Always an excuse for everything! :'''Numbuh 2''': You're no picnic yourself, Numbuh 86. You really need to lighten up. Try yoga or something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Benedict''': You. ''Big.'' :'''Father''': '''JERK!''' Now you've made me angry! '''VERY!''' '''VERY!!''' '''''VERY---!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pappy''': Is this the cafeteria? It's mushy bean night, you know. :'''Monty Uno''': Oh, hello, pappy. I didn't know you were coming for a visit. I wish I would've had a chance to tidy up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 1''': ''[Picks up the Recommissioning Module]'' Okay, Numbuh 0. Let's recommission you again. ''[The Recommissioning Module falls apart]'' No! Not now! You can't break now! :''[A holographic video appears.]'' :'''Numbuh 0''': Hello, son. :'''Numbuh 1''': Dad? :'''Numbuh 0''': If you're watching this, then we've won. Congratulations. You're probably wondering why the Recommissioning Module is broken. Well, I broke it. I had a hunch you might want to use it to get Numbuh 0 back. Well- look, I would love to have tons more adventures with the super cool Numbuh 1 and his team, but I'm- just not a kid anymore. I'm an adult, and I need to complete the most important mission of my life, being a good father to my son. So you're the keeper of the book now, Nigel. That's right. Keep a stiff upper lip, and make sure everyone gets to write their own crackerjack story. ''[Salutes Numbuh 1]'' :''[As the message ends, Numbuh 1 salutes. He sobs when Monty comes up behind him.]'' :'''Monty Uno''': I say, what's going on around here, old bean? You kids building one of your two-four techno-bob thingies? :'''Numbuh 1''': No, Dad. ''[Hugs Monty. Monty hugs him back]'' I was just playing with an old friend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Numbuh 1''': There is a story, some kids tell, of not so long ago, when the world was almost ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story of how I found the book of KND, and what I wrote in it. Five words only: We are Kids Next Door. == External links== * {{Wikipedia-inline|Codename: Kids Next Door}} '''''Knuckles the Echidna Voiced by: Nobutoshi Canna (Japanese); Dan Green (English) A powerful and formidable anthropomorphic red echidna, Sonic's friendly rival, but also best friend, guardian of the Master Emerald, treasure hunter, and martial artist. Possessing immense super strength, Knuckles can smash obstacles, shatter rocks, and overpower foes. Despite his tough demeanor and occasional gullibility—he has been tricked by Eggman into doubting Sonic whom he clashes with—however he and Sonic proved to be invaluable allies. Knuckles takes the search for the Chaos Emeralds seriously, aiming to return to Sonic's world and protect the Master Emerald as soon as possible. Avi (voiced by Matthew Ferguson) - Avi, aka 'The Avalanche Kid' is an American Canadian kid that has a real knack for disaster. Is it a bad moon that hangs over his head or just the overlong bangs that hang in his eyes? Whatever the cause, Avi is seriously dexterity-challenged. All it takes from him is one "uh-oh" move to start an inevitable chain of mounting disasters. Captain Flamingo does not mind cleaning up Avi's messes, usually, but sometimes he wishes Avi would plan and call ahead, because if he is going with his mother to the china shop on Monday, Milo really should book the week off. Avi has three identical-looking younger sisters, who seem to have inherited Avi's ability to be a walking disaster, which also seems to run in his family.''''' [[Category:Codename: Kids Next Door seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] eoo88u87vjrekvmplndhl533i343xmi 0 187080 3955115 3953864 2026-06-21T18:11:16Z MTsocano 3051402 /* Prologue */ 3955115 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Creepshow Logo.png|thumb]] '''''[[w:Creepshow|Creepshow]]''''' is a [[w:1982 in film|1982 film]], split into five separate stories, with a wraparound segment where a horror comic by a little boy gets confiscated and disposed of. Through a "Grim Reaper" like character who is the comic's mascot, we are told the stories. :''Directed by [[George A. Romero]]. Written by [[Stephen King]].'' {{center|'''The Most Fun You'll Ever Have... BEING SCARED!'''}} ==The ''Creepshow'' Creep== ===''Father's Day''=== * Heh-heh!! Greetings, kiddies, and welcome to the first issue of ''Creepshow'', the magazine that dares to answer the question, "Who goes there?" * Now that's what I call a twist ending, eh, kiddies? Nate did all the twisting and Sylvia ended... poor old girl just lost her head and went all to pieces... but the worst part came when old Nate blew out Cass and Richard's candles... heh-heh... poof!! But why hang around here while my next terror tale awaits? ===''The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill''=== * Heh-heh! Hello again, kiddies... my last story was so grim it even frightened me! So I decided to head for the hills... you know, the other side of the mountain whereas the grass is always greener... heh-heh... which brings to mind another tale... * Hear that, kiddies? Rain tonight, heh-heh! I guess that old Verrill luck is in again, eh? You can decide for yourself if Jordy finally had a bit of good luck when he managed to pull that trigger! But don't think too long, kiddies... our next yell yarn awaits... ===''Something to Tide You Over''=== * Heh-heh! Hello again, kiddies! My last story was so grueling, I thought I'd take a vacation... a little trip to the seashore! Of course, this reminds me of yet another awful anecdote... but the tide's coming in so I'd better get started! I call this one... * Heh-heh! Looks like Richard got himself in over his head, eh, kiddies? No? Well, it'll be over his head soon enough, heh-heh! And listen to him laugh! It's enough to drive you crazy! Of course, I've been crazy for years, so it doesn't really bother me... Ready for some more putrid prose, kiddies? Hee-hee... ===''The Crate''=== * Heh-heh! Welcome, kiddies! I don't know about you, but I'm feeling a bit edgy! Maybe I'm still feeling the effects of our last story... or maybe it's just because I haven't been out in a long time! That's it! I've got that boxed-in feeling, heh-heh! Which reminds me of another tale in my lurid lexicon! A little fear fable called... * Heh-heh! Well, I guess Wilma got what was coming to her, eh, kiddies? But, such manners! Not so much as a thank you... the only word to describe Wilma now is... are you ready, kiddies... incrate!! Heh-heh! ===''They're Creeping Up on You!''=== * Heh-heh! Well, kiddies, it seems you've caught me moonlighting! Let me tell you, this job is enough to drive ya bugs! The li'l suckers hide everywhere! Take it from me, kiddies, you've gotta stay alert, because... * So that's where the bugs went! Looks like old Mr. Pratt was right after all, eh, kiddies? Those little suckers can hide anywhere, heh-heh! Well, that's our last yell-yarn for this time, and until we get together for another foul feast, I'll leave you with these famous words from the classic film "Casablechha"... as ole Boogey said to Ingrid Barrghman, "Here's looking at you, kiddies..." heh-heh-heh... ==Nathan Grantham== * You're all a bunch of dirty vultures just waiting to get your hands on my money! * Where's my cake? I want my cake! * Where's my cake, Bedelia? Where's my Father's Day cake? I want my cake, you dirty bitch! I'm going to have it! * Bedelia! It's Father's Day! Where's my cake? You promised me my cake!! * Bedelia! I'm your father, and you're supposed to be taking care of me!! * Bedelia! YOU BITCH!! What do you think I got you here for?! You're just like all the others! You're nothing but a bunch of vultures! * Bedelia! I want my cake! BEDELIA!!! Where's my Father's Day cake?! ==Nathan Grantham's corpse== * Where's my cake, Bedelia? I want my cake!! It's Father's Day, Bedelia! I want my cake! * Where's my cake? I want it! It's mine! * I WANT MY CAKE! * It's Father's Day, and I got my cake. Happy Father's Day!! ==Jordy Verrill== * That's a meteor! I'll be dipped in shit if that ain't a meteor! * I wonder how much they'd pay for it up the college? * Oh, you've done it now, Jordy Verrill… you lunkhead!! * Meteor shit!! ==Upson Pratt== * Bastards! Damn bugs. I'll get them bugs! I own this damn building. There's not going to be any more damn bugs! Heads are going to roll. I promise you that! Oh, yes! ==Others== * '''Meteorologist on TV''': And in today's weather... well, not much for the outdoor types, but you farmers are going to love this. The current 30-day forecast released by the U.S. meteorological station in Portland calls for moderating temperatures and lots of rain. Castle County is going to turn green so fast in the next month that it's going to be almost miraculous. * '''Jordy Verrill's Banker''': $200 for a broken meteor?!! Mr. Verrill, you must be joking! I wouldn't give you two cents!! * '''Jordy Verrill's Doctor''': I'm sorry, Mr. Verrill, but… those fingers have got to come off. This is going to be extremely painful, Mr. Verrill! * '''Mrs. Danvers''': Shall I glaze the ham now, ma'am? * '''Jordy Verrill's Father''': You ain't gonna get in that tub, are ya? It's the water that it wants, Jordy! Don't ya know that? You get in that water, Jordy, you might as well sign your death warrant! ==Dialogue== ===''Prologue''=== :'''Stan''': I told you before, I didn't want you to read this crap! I never saw such rotten crap in my life! Where do you get this shit? Who sells it to you? I'm talking to you, young man! You wanna answer me when I'm talking to you! You remember who puts the friggin' bread on the table around here, don't you? :'''Billy's mother''': Stan, don't be too hard on him. All the kids read them. :'''Stan''': My boy isn't "all the kids"! Wanna know where this is going, Billy? In the garbage! Right into the friggin' garbage! Now, you got any smart mouth about that? :'''Billy''': I don't see how it's any worse than the books you keep in your dresser! Those ones under your underwear. Those sex books! :''[Stan, offended by this, violently slaps Billy in the face]'' :'''Billy's mother''': Stan, you didn't have to— :'''Stan''': Hit him? Not only do I find out he's reading this crap, he's a goddamn little snoop as well! :'''Billy''': No, it wasn't like that! You asked for me to get your cufflinks! It was on Sunday! :'''Billy's mother''': The windows are open downstairs. I'd better go down and close them or the rain will get in. :'''Stan''': No, I'll do it. I got some garbage I want to throw away. :'''Billy''': Daddy, please, don't throw it away. I'm sorry. :'''Stan''': The next time, young man, I find you with a worthless piece of shit rag like this again, you won't sit down for a week, buddy boy! Remember that! Tuck in! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': You see that crap? All that horror crap? Things coming out of crates and eating people? Dead people coming back to life? People turning into weeds, for Christ's sake?! :'''Billy's mother''': Well, yes I did, but I... :'''Stan''': Well, do you want him reading that stuff?! :'''Billy's mother''': Well, no, but... :'''Stan''': All right, then! I took care of it. That's why God made fathers, babe. That's why God made fathers. :'''Billy''': ''[about his father]'' I hope you rot in Hell! ===''Father's Day''=== :'''Henry "Hank" Blaine''': Who's coming out, Cass? :'''Richard Grantham''': You mean Cass hasn't told you about dotty old great Aunt Bedelia? The patriarch of our clan? :'''Hank''': Isn't she the one who was supposed to have...? :'''Sylvia Grantham''': Supposed to have murdered her father? Yes. Bedelia is my aunt. Which means that she is Richard and Cass's great aunt. Which also means that she's older than God. But her father, Nathan Grantham, was even older and meaner than that. :'''Richard''': He was hysterically jealous of Bedelia all his life. A complete Freudian relationship. Then, when he was about 184, he had a stroke. And lucky Bedelia, she got to nurse him full-time. Then she met a fella. Yes, sir, a real September courtship. :'''Cass Blaine''': September courtship! This was October or November, at the very latest. He was 75! And Aunt Bedelia is... :'''Sylvia''': Never mind, my dears. The point is Bedelia loved her rather elderly beau, and her own father had him murdered! :'''Richard''': Yarbro was the guy's name and he supposedly died... in a "hunting accident". That's what's on the books, anyway. :'''Cass''': For Bedelia, it was the last straw. She bashed her father's head in with a marble ashtray. :'''Richard''': So rumor has it. :'''Sylvia''': Well, however it happened, it was good riddance to some extremely bad rubbish. And my lovely niece and my handsome nephew have very good reasons for being pleased by old Nathan's death. There was no trouble about the will. Share and share alike. And now, every Father's Day, every single Father's Day since his death for seven long years, she returns to this house. The "scene of the crime". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sylvia''': Bedelia was always very unstable, even when she was much younger. After the death of her gentleman friend, she grew steadily worse. :'''Hank''': Why Father's Day? :'''Sylvia''': Because that was the day of the tragedy. And she is overwhelmed with her own guilt. She will go to her father's grave and meditate for about an hour. Then she will come inside and we'll all sit down to a nice baked ham dinner. The three of us... I'm so sorry, Henry... the four of us, who now owe her so very much. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bedelia Grantham visits her father's grave]'' :'''Bedelia Grantham''': Happy Father's Day. I didn't know I had it in me. I'm your daughter, right? You bootlegger! Killer! Murderer!! Ungrateful bastard! You shouldn't have killed Peter, you know. He was a man, right? A real man! See? Everything I wanted, he wanted for me!! You stupid bastard. You screwed it all up. You screwed up my mother; you screwed me up. You got me so mad... drove me crazy. ''[imitating Nathan Grantham]'' "I want my cake, Bedelia! You bitch!" You called me a bitch! Sylvia fixed it all! Ashtray back in place! Chair overturned!! A fall, daddy, a bad fall. Nobody could catch us. Nobody. You taught me. You taught Sylvia. You taught us all. ''[accidentally spills her bottle of whiskey on the ground]'' So peaceful here... ''[A dead hand suddenly bursts out of the ground. Bedelia turns around and sees that Nathan has come back as a zombie and is crawling out of his own grave.]'' No!! NO!!! ''[continues screaming as Nathan speaks]'' :'''Nathan Grantham's corpse''': Where's my cake, Bedelia? ''[Bedelia continues screaming as Nathan advances toward her]'' I want my cake!! ''[wraps his hands around Bedelia's throat and begins strangling her]'' It's Father's Day, Bedelia! I want my cake! ''[watches as Bedelia dies]'' ===''The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill''=== ===''Something to Tide You Over''=== :'''Harry Wentworth''': ''[as a zombie]'' You can't shoot us dead, Richard. :'''Becky Vickers''': ''[as a zombie]'' Because we're ''already'' dead. :'''Harry''': We want to see you, Richard. :'''Becky''': We want to see you, Richard. :'''Harry''': We want to see you, Richard. :'''Becky''': We want to see you. :'''Harry''': We dug a hole for you, Richard. :'''Becky''': On the beach. Below the high tide line. Here we come! :'''Harry''': It's showtime! :'''Harry and Becky''': Here we come, Richard! Let's go to the beach. We just want you to come to the beach. Come with us. Come down to the beach. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': If you don't panic... If you can hold your breath... :'''Becky''': If you can hold your breath... If you can hold your breath... :'''Harry and Becky''': If you can hold your breath... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard Vickers''': I... CAN HOLD MY BREATH... '''FOR A LOOOONG TIME''', HAHAHAHA!!! ===''The Crate''=== :''[Wilma Northrup is talking to her husband Henry, unaware that she is sitting right behind a crate that contains a beast named Fluffy]'' :'''Wilma Northrup''': Oh, that was great, Henry. That was just great! You think this is a Friday night fight? Is that what you think?! You wanna see some real punching?!! Same old Henry. Afraid of your own shadow. You know what, Henry? You're a regular barnyard exhibit. Sheep's eyes, chicken guts, piggy friends... and ''shit'' for brains! No good at departmental politics. No good at making money! No good at making an impression on anybody! And no good at all in bed!! When was the last time you got it up, Henry? Huh?! When was the last time you were a man in our bed?! Now get out of my way, Henry, or I swear to God you'll be wearing your balls for earrings! And I swear to God if you ever touch me again, I'm gonna..! ''[The crate suddenly bursts open and the monster pops out, growling violently at Henry and Wilma. Henry looks surprised while Wilma turns around, looks at the monster and screams. The monster grabs her by the arms and starts eating her.]'' :'''Henry Northrup''': Just... just tell it to call you Billie... ''[reluctantly turns around and runs away]'' ===''They're Creeping Up on You!''=== :'''Upson Pratt''': Talk to me. Who's there? :'''Mr. White''': Good evening there, Mr. Pratt. Got bugs again, huh, Mr. Pratt? :'''Upson''': Don't you talk to me like that, you hear?! :'''White''': What way, Mr. Pratt? :'''Upson''': Like I was crazy! :'''White''': Oh, no, sir, Mr. Pratt, sir. I don't think you is crazy; not at all. I was just trying to run down in my mind who might have a 24-hour fumigating service. I might be able to get the Pirelli brothers out here by... shall we say 11:30? :'''Upson''': You might go far, White. I noticed that, in service jobs, people like yourself often do, people of color. Yes; 11:30 would be fine. :'''White''': Thanks, Mr. Pratt, sir. I'll call them just as soon as I finish with that shower on 23. :'''Upson''': Do it first! Do it now! :'''White''': Yes, sir. Right now. ===''Epilogue''=== :'''Stan''': ''[last words]'' No ... No... :'''Billy''': ''[jabbing a voodoo doll with a pin, causing Stan pain]'' I'll teach you to throw away my comic books. Ready for another shot, dad? == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=0083767|title=Creepshow}} * {{mojo title|id=creepshow|title=Creepshow}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=creepshow|title=Creepshow}} {{Media based on Stephen King works}} ‎ [[Category:1982 films]] [[Category:Anthology films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films‎]] [[Category:Screenplays by Stephen King]] [[Category:Films based on works by Stephen King]] [[Category:Films directed by George A. Romero]] [[Category:Films about alien invasions]] s6wi5pj8pqnsvd00nefaftb8fgr506f 0 187124 3955180 3954857 2026-06-22T01:06:05Z ~2026-21258-26 3308661 3955180 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Home on the Range (2004 film)|Home on the Range]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004 animated film]] from [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] about four [[w:holstein cow|dairy cow]]s are Maggie, Mrs. Calloway, [[w:Clarabelle Cow|Clarabelle Cow]] and Grace in the [[W:American west|American west]] of [[w:Wyoming|Wyoming]] who must capture an infamous [[W:cattle rustler|cattle rustler]] named Alameda Slim for his bounty in order to save their idyllic farm from foreclosure. Aiding them in their quest is Lucky Jack, a feisty, peg-legged [[W:White-tailed jackrabbit|jackrabbit]], and a selfish [[w:chestnut (horse_color)|chestnut]] [[W:mustang|mustang]] [[w:Stallion|stallion]] named Buck, eagerly working in the service of Rico, a famous bounty hunter, seeks the glory for himself. :''Directed by [[w:Will Finn|Will Finn]] and John Sanford. Written by [[w:Will Finn|Will Finn]] and John Sanford.'' {{center|'''Bust a Moo.'''}} ==Buck== *''[from trailer]'' Let's not put the cows before the horse. ==Junior the Buffalo== *Cows only. ==Audrey== * You wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts! ==Others== *'''Lady''': ''[to Cows; ???]'' [[A Streetcar Named Desire (1951 film)|Get those cows off the stage!]] ==Dialogue== :''[first lines; Logos: Walt Disney Pictures; music starts]'' :'''Male Singers''': ''Out in the land where the men are tough as cactus'' :''Out in the land where the wild, wild west was won'' :''Out in the land of the desperado'' :''If yer as soft as an avocado'' :''Yee-ha! Yer guacamole, son!'' :''Home, home, this ain't it, pal!'' :''Home, home, home on the range'' :''Home, home, better go git, pal!'' :''You ain't home on the range'' :''Out in the land where the weak are target practice'' :''Home, home, home on the range'' :''Out in the land where they shoot the mild and meek'' :''Home, home, home on the range'' :''Out where the bad are a whole lot badder'' :''If yer the type with a nervous bladder, yip! Yow!'' :''saddle's gonna reek!'' :''Cause you ain't home on the range'' :''Cowboy, yer really up the creek!'' :''Home, home, home on the range'' :''Home, home, home on the range'' :''Home, home, home on the range'' :''Home, home, home on the range'' :'''Maggie''': ''[narrates]'' Home on the range. Once upon a time, I had a home on the range, But not anymore. Well, it's no use crying over spilled milk. Speaking of which, that's me. I'm the cow. ''[Fly buzzing and approaches to Maggie]'' Yeah, they're real, quit staring. I'm sort of between homes right now. I lost my old place... thanks to the meanest bunch of cattle rustlers in the west... ''[scene cuts to night, where Alameda Slim and his gang]'' Alameda Slim and the Willie Brothers' Gang. ''[as Alameda Slim yodels and the cows start mooing and they got captured from Maggie's ranch]'' Somehow, they stole the whole herd... right out from under our noses and then they disappeared without a trace. ''[Abner sees the cows are missing and taken away by Alameda Slim and the Willie Brothers then he sees Maggie from the trance, then he takes Maggie out from his barn to another place]'' After that... poor old Abner couldn't afford to keep the place... or me, either, for that matter Well, no matter how bad things get, there's probably somebody worse off. ''[Maggie sees Lucky Jack that the snake was eaten his head, and runs to the cactus]'' That guy, for instance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Calloway''': We are not following this wagon, and that is final. :'''Maggie''': C'mon, Calloway. It'll be ''fun''. ''[elbows her]'' :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Did you just hit me?! :'''Maggie''': ''[elbows her again]'' Kinda? :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Well, stop it. :'''Maggie''': ''[elbows her once again]'' WHY? :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Because I don't like it. ''[Maggie teases her, then pushes her, causing her hat to fall into a small mud puddle]'' :'''Grace''': ''[pause; Mrs. Calloway gets angrily at Maggie]'' [[The Fox and the Hound|Oh, no! Not the hat!]] :'''Maggie''': What?! What about the... ''[Mrs. Calloway shoves her to another mud puddle. She puts her at back on and wipes the mud off, but Maggie shoves her back]'' Ow! :'''Grace''': Alright, alright, violence is not going to solve anything. Why don't we all take a deep cleansing breath... ''[Mrs. Calloway and Maggie begins to mud wrestle as Grace slinks away]'' :'''Rusty''': Hey, now! Mud wrestling! ''[gets mud splashed on him]'' :'''Buck''': ''[laughs as mud gets on Rico's saddle]'' Hey, hey, watch the saddle. ''[wipes the mud off the saddle with his tail. Inside his office, Sam and Rico watch Maggie and Mrs. Calloway's fight outside]'' :'''Sam''': [[Robin Hood (1973 film)|What in tarnation?!]] ''[grabs his rope]'' :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Maggie, for the last time, I will not be roped into this scheme! ''[gets lassoed along with Maggie and Grace]'' :'''Sam''': Come on, you crazy heifers! Come on! Dagnabit! ''[ties the cows to the back of the chuckwagon belonging to a Chinese rider]'' Hey, partner, curb your livestock. This town is clean! :'''Chinese Rider''': ''[speaking Chinese]'' Wow! Free cows! What a country! Giddy-up! :'''Maggie''': Not exactly what I had in mind, but this'll work. :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Well, it doesn't work for me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The cows look at Maggie's old home filled with trophies]'' :'''Grace''': What's going to happen to the cow who lived there? :'''Maggie''': She'll be okay. :'''Grace''': How do you know? :'''Maggie''': You're looking at her. :'''Grace''': This was ''your'' farm? :'''Maggie''': Mm-hmm. We had like a family too, you know. :'''Grace''': What happened? :'''Maggie''': Alameda Slim happened... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The cowboys are attacked by the Willie Brothers]'' :'''Mrs. Calloway''': What was that? :'''Grace''': That must be Slim and the Willies. :'''Barry, Bob and the Herd of Bulls''': ''[freaking out]'' Slim and the Willies! :'''Barry''': ''[to Mrs. Calloway, mistaking her for Grace]'' Don't worry, darling. I'll protect you. :'''Mrs. Calloway''': You have exactly two seconds to remove your hoof... before I snap it off at the knee. :'''Barry''': Sorry, madam. I thought you were the blonde... :''[She whacks him, sending him to the ground]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alameda Slim arrives]'' :'''Maggie''': It's payback time. Cover me! :'''Grace''': With what? :'''The Willie Brothers''': Howdy, Slim. :'''Alameda Slim''': Quiet, you fools. We've got work to do. ''[sings "Yodel-Adle-Eedle-Idle-Odel" alongside the Willie Brothers]'' Here we go, boys! 5,000 cattle in the side pocket! ''[yodels "[[w:William Tell Overture|William Tell Overture]]", "[[w:Yankee Doodle|Yankee Doodle]]" and "[[w:Symphony No. 9 (Beethoven)|Beethoven's Ode to Joy]]" and continues to sings]'' :'''Grace''': Maggie, Mrs. Calloway, snap out of it! ''[Alameda Slim cackles as the girls scream]'' :'''Rico''': Oh! ''[grunts and girls screams]'' :'''Man''': Rico, if you'd just been a second earlier... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alameda Slim''': ''[laughing]'' 5,000 [[w:Texas Longhorn|Texas Longhorn]]s. Not bad for one night's work. :'''Phil''': Pick a color. ''[He and Bill are playing with a cootie catcher]'' :'''Alameda Slim''': I said, not bad for one night's work. ''[Phil and Bill pay attention to Alameda Slim and clap]'' Thank you. And judging by the ear mark, I'd say these are the last of Big Mike Donald's herd. :'''Gil''': Big Mike Donald had a farm? :'''Phil and Bill''': E-I-E-I... ''[Alameda Slim bashes them on the heads with his fists]'' Ohh... :'''Alameda Slim''': That's right. He had a farm. ''[He goes to his dressing screen stock and puts on his Yancy O'Del disguise]'' Now that all his cash cows have disappeared, that poor sap's gonna be flat broke. Perfect time for a certain upstanding land owner to step in and take all the land. :'''Phil''': ''[screams]'' Ahhh! Who are you?! :'''Bill''': What did you do with Uncle Slim?! :'''Phil''': Put up your dukes, Mr. Fancy Britches! ''[Alameda Slim grabs his fingers]'' Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah! :'''Alameda Slim''': ''It's me!'' Hello! ''[Alameda Slim takes off the glasses and the blue top hat and holding a cane]'' This here is the disguise I use to sneak into all them auctions and buy all the land, you brainless monotone monkeys. :'''Gil''': Shoot, you got to be the richest land baron in the [[W:American west|the west]]. ''[Phil and Bill clap]'' :'''Alameda Slim''': Yes, but the part that ''really'' warms my heart is watching those homesteaders suffer. ''[He grabs a branding iron and brands Mike Donald's Farm and the Dixon Farm on the map]'' Back in the day, I worked the highfalutinest ranches you ever seen, but those stuck-up ranch bosses couldn't appreciate my talents. :'''Phil''': Maybe they just didn't like your singing. :'''Alameda Slim''': My ''singing''?! ''[Bill covers his brother's mouth]'' Songbirds ''sing''. saloon gals ''sing''. little bitty snot-nosed children ''sing''. I ''yodel'', and yodeling '''''IS AN ART!''''' :'''Bill''': Well, maybe they just didn't like your yodeling. :''[Phil covers his brother's mouth and Alameda Slim tries to hit them with his branding iron, but misses them when they duck]'' :'''Gil''': He didn't mean it, Uncle Slim. Everybody likes yodeling. :'''Alameda Slim''': Hmm? :'''Gil''': Why, it's one of the funniest, cornball, goofy, silly sounds in the whole west. :''[Alameda Slim tries to hit Gil with his branding iron, but misses as Gil ducks, then Alameda Slim sees Patch of Heaven on the map as it's unauctioned as he twitches]'' :'''Alameda Slim''': Uh, Gil? :'''Gil''': Uh-huh? :'''Alameda Slim''': Am I correct in assuming that each and every time we brought a herd back to this secret lair you've managed to ''sit in the exact same spot, BLOCKING THAT CHOICE-PIECE OF PROPERTY FROM MY VIEW?!'' :'''Gil''': This is my comfy place. ''[beat]'' What? ''[Alameda Slim grabs him by the neck; Gil makes unintelligible noises]'' :'''Phil''': It's called Patch of Heaven, Uncle Slim. Goes on auction Thursday morning. :'''Alameda Slim''': ''[his fury quickly replaced by eagerness]'' Perfect. ''[He hits Gil on the head with his branding iron and letting us him go]'' Pencil it in. Thursday mornin'. Right after we sell off this herd. :'''Bill''': But it's just a little old dirt farm. :'''Alameda Slim''': Ah, what's the difference? When you're talking my revenge, every last acre... ''counts''. ''[He brands Patch of Heaven on the map with his branding iron]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mrs. Calloway saves Maggie from drowning during the flash flood and drags her to a nearby rock on the shore]'' :'''Maggie''': No. Come on, girls. We can't give up. :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Maggie, that's enough. The minute this lets up, we're heading straight home to Patch of Heaven. :'''Maggie''': But what about catching Slim and collecting the reward? :'''Mrs. Calloway''': We never had a prayer of catching Slim in the first place. This whole '''''ridiculous plan''''' is just so that you can get revenge on those cattle rustlers! :'''Maggie''': Hey! For your information, duchess, this whole ridiculous plan is about us ''saving our farm''! :'''Mrs. Calloway:''' Huh. Our farm might've had a fighting chance until you came along. :'''Maggie''': What's that supposed to mean?! :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Strutting around with your vulgar show-cow behavior. :'''Maggie''': Look, I was just having... :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Wasting our time on your foolish plans. Through the years, Patch of Heaven has survived every hardship that nature can dish out, but you, Maggie, are the biggest catastrophe to ever hit our farm. :'''Maggie''': ''[furious]'' Well. If that's the way you feel about it, maybe we should just go our separate ways! :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Now, that's the first good idea you've ever had. :'''Maggie''': Fine! :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Fine. :'''Maggie''': '''''FINE!''''' :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Fine. ''[sits down as Grace looks sadly at the 2 of them and Maggie hangs her head]'' :'''Maggie''': Yeah. Fine. It's not like your farm was ever going to feel like home to me anyways. <hr width=50%"/> :'''Both''': ''["Hillbilly Holla" playing by North Mississippi and Allstars; to Uncle Slim]'' Uncle Silm, Uncle Slim! :'''Grace''': Let's get out of here! :'''Junior''': ''[Buck screams]'' Come back here, you dog meat! <hr width=50%"/> :'''Alamenda Slim''': ''[grunts, Mrs Calloway pulls the train whistle]'' <big>'''''WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!!'''''</big> :'''Sam''': ''[worried]'' It's Alameda Slim! :'''Alameda Slim''': ''[latest words before his muffled by the cow bell]'' You think you've won?! It ain't over till the fat man ''sings!'' ''[yodels "Magic Carpet Ride" as Maggie attempts to silence him with her bell, but gets hypnotized as Grace jumps up into the air and kicks the cow bell into his mouth, silencing him and Maggie and Mrs. Calloway are free from his hypnotic yodeling]'' :'''Sam''': Alameda Slim, you're under arrest. ''[lashes the ropes to Alameda Slim who was muffled by the cow bell]'' :'''Grace''': Nobody messes with Pearl's, girls. :'''Buck''': Say, girls, got milk? :'''Girls''': Buck. :'''Buck''': Just kidding. ''[Alameda Slim has been put into a paggy wagon with his mouth gagged and body wraps in a ropes]'' :'''Sam''': ''[to his deputies]'' Take him away, boys. I hope you like stripes. ''[to Pearl showing Alameda Slim's bounty reward money]'' Pearl, your cows can't do much with Alameda Slim's reward money. Think you can find some use for it? :'''Pearl Gesner''': Woowie! My farm is saved! ''[hugs Mrs. Calloway and Grace and the other auctioneers cheer them]'' ==Cast== * [[Roseanne Barr]] — Maggie * [[Judi Dench]] — Mrs. Caloway * [[w:Jennifer Tilly|Jennifer Tilly]] — Grace * [[w:Cuba Gooding Jr.|Cuba Gooding Jr.]] — Buck * [[w:Randy Quaid|Randy Quaid]] — Alameda Slim Senior * [[w:Charles Dennis|Charles Dennis]] — Rico * [[w:Charles Haid|Charles Haid]] — Lucky Jack Rabbit * [[w:Carole Cook|Carole Cook]] — Pearl * [[w:Joe Flaherty|Joe Flaherty]] — Jeb * [[w:Steve Buscemi|Steve Buscemi]] — Mr. Wesley * [[w:Richard Riehle|Richard Riehle]] — Sheriff Sam Brown * [[w:Lance LeGault|Lance LeGault]] — Alameda Slim Junior * [[w:G. W. Bailey|G. W. Bailey]] — Rusty * [[Patrick Warburton]] — Patrick * [[w:Estelle Harris|Estelle Harris]] — Audrey * [[w:Keaton Savage|Keaton Savage]] - Piggy * Sam J. Levine — Phil, Gil and Bill the Willie Brothers' Gang * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] — Maggie/Chicks/Mrs. Caloway/Grace/Piggies/Buck/Chickens/Alameda Slim Junior/Bulls (vocal effects) ===Additional Voices=== * [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Mike Bell]] * Tim Blevins * Bob Bouchard * Tami Tappan Damiano * [[w:Debi Derryberry|Debi Derryberry]] - Saloon Girls * Randy Erwin * [[w:Troy Evans (actor)|Troy Evans]] * [[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] - [[w:donkey|Donkey]] * Linda Griffin * Pam Hamill * [[w:Roger L. Jackson|Roger L. Jackson]] - Tommy * [[w:Leslie Jordan|Leslie Jordan]] - Photographer * Linda Kerns * Kevin Ligon * [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] - Molly * Mickie McGowan * Jordan Orr - Fireworks Boy #1 * Wilbur Pauley * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Man on Train * Evan Sabara - Fireworks Boy #2 * [[w:Garnett Sailor|Garnett Sailor]] * [[w:Peter Samuel|Peter Samuel]] * [[w:John Sanford (writer)|John Sanford]] * [[w:Peter Siragusa|Peter Siragusa]] - Clem * [[w:Jim Ward (voice actor)|Jim Ward]] * [[w:Joe Whyte|Joe Whyte]] - Vulture * [[w:Bruce A. Young|Bruce A. Young]] - Morse, Cowboy * [[w:Roger Yuan|Roger Yuan]] - Chinese Rider ==Teaser Trailer== :''[As an instrumental portion of "Yodel-Adle-Eedle-Idle-Oo" starts to play, we see the black Walt Disney Pictures logo on a yellowish white paper background. A fireball flies over the castle forming the arch, and the screen fades to reveal silent footage as a horse neigh plays in the background]'' :'''Buck''': ''[narrates]'' Are you ready for a side-splittin', finger-snappin' hoedown? :'''Patrick''': Yeah, pretty much. Why? :'''Buck''': ''[narrates]'' It's got good guys... :'''Buck''': ''[to a bandit]'' Your move. :'''Buck''': ''[narrates]'' ...bad guys... :''[Rico throws a tied-up bandit to the Sheriff's office]'' :'''Buck''': ''[narrates]'' ...wide open spaces, and the greatest hero the West has ever known: :''[Music suddenly stops as the footage of Maggie, Mrs. Calloway and Grace slides down into place]'' :'''Buck''': ''[narrates]'' The dairy cow. :''[Screen flips to Mrs. Calloway speaking to Maggie and Grace]'' :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Well, there it is, then. Three dairy cows who've never been off their farm out to scour the entire West for a wanted outlaw, bring him in and collect the $750 dollar reward all in less than three days. :'''Ollie''': What? :'''Buck''': ''[narrates]'' But let's not put the cart before the horse. :''[Horse neigh]'' :'''Piggies''': ''[raise their hooves in the air]'' Awesome! :'''Buck''': ''[narrates]'' Though I am fabulous, it all starts with three bodacious bovines who have a little Patch of Heaven all their own. :'''K.D. Lang''': ''[singing]'' I know a place, pretty as pie. Out where the riverbend hits up with the end of the heavens! :'''Maggie''': Here, have an apple. ''[bounces the apple from her tail and passes it to her front hoof and shoves it into the first piggy's mouth]'' Don't go near any luaus, though. :'''Sam''': I'm telling ya, ''[hands Pearl the eviction notice]'' they're gonna auction off Patch of Heaven. :'''Jeb''': I think we all know what happens now. :'''Audrey''': What? :'''Jeb''': Now we all get eaten. :'''Audrey''': But who would eat a chicken? :''[We cut to four chicks frowning at Mrs. Calloway. The second chick blinks his eyes and tilts his head two times]'' :'''Maggie''': C'mon, guys. Time for a little bovine intervention. :'''Buck''': ''[narrates]'' And get this; to save their farm, the cows turn into bounty hunters! :'''Grace''': ''[to a longhorn]'' We're looking for a cattle rustler named Alameda Slim. :'''Alameda Slim''': Hyah! ''[wraps his arms around the longhorns]'' I think these cows got it in for me. :'''Maggie''': C'mon, girls! We've got a farm to save. :''[The song "Home on the Range" starts playing as we see shots of Mrs. Calloway, Maggie and Grace]'' :'''Lucky Jack''': Ha! Bovine bounty hunters. Now I've seen everything. :'''Chorus''': Out in the land where the weak are target practice. Home, home, home on the range! :''[Buck lets out karate yells while whipping his tail at a Willie Brother's face and we cut to Alameda getting frightened by the train coming towards them. We cut to Jack hitting a metal pie plate into Alameda's face, making him lose consciousness]'' :'''Chorus''': Out in the land where they shoot the mild and meek. Home, home, home on the range! :'''Buck''': He must be taking stupid lessons from that buffalo. ''[camera pans right, revealing Junior behind Buck. He snorts behind him and he becomes shocked]'' Uh-oh. :''[Mrs. Calloway and Grace ram their horns into Alameda Slim's butt and we cut to Grace kicking one Rico]'' :'''Chorus''': If you're the type with a hesitant bladder, yip! Yow! Your saddle's gonna reek! :'''Buck''': You cows are fierce! :'''Chorus''': 'Cause you ain't home....on...the range! Cowboy, you're really up a creek! :'''Maggie''': Last one to the barn sleeps standing up! :''[The title logo appears on the final note and the screen fades to black]'' ==DVD Intros== :''[The tools sounds are being heard, as it fades into the barn.]'' :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Grace, your happy faces are lovely, but not on the menu, dear. And Buck, you couldn't possibly be out of names. :'''Jeb''': ''[grinding his teeth, while holding the rope with his teeth]'' Get 'em to look at these shoes! ''[to the chicks nearby]'' Scram, ya little feathered dressers! :'''Mrs. Calloway''': That's right, Maggie. Only one "0" in bonus features, you can't look as if you wouldn't dumb like a bunch of animals. :'''Jeb''': Too late. :'''Mrs. Calloway''': All right, places, everyone! Let's give them an opening they'll never forget. Jeb, if you please. :'''Jeb''': Please what? :'''Mrs. Calloway''': The menu! :'''Jeb''': What about it? :'''Mrs. Calloway''': Oh, let go of the rope, you old goat. Now! :'''Jeb''': ''[releases the rope, but it drags him up]'' WHOA! ''[The DVD Menu pops up; off-screen]'' I couldn't ask. Where are the parents? Where ''are'' the parents?! ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2004 films]] [[Category:2004 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Western films]] [[Category:Animated films about cows]] [[Category:Films set in Wyoming]] [[Category:Animated films about horses]] [[Category:Animated films about pigs]] [[Category:Animated films about chickens]] [[Category:Films about hypnosis]] 4gjv27ul9agk4drxpjuidlo1mqx3ouf 0 188006 3955275 3902181 2026-06-22T10:51:15Z ~2026-32523-37 3334381 3955275 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of [[Ed, Edd, n Eddy]]. == Know It All Ed == :'''Eddy''': What we have here...is a squirt gun. :'''Edd''': Please. A 'squirt gun'? :'''Eddy''': Yeah. A ''Canadian'' squirt gun. :'''Ed''': Canadians are weird. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ed''': Plank reminds me of fresh-cut Spring flowers, spewing across a babbling brook with a hint of lemon. == Dear Ed == == Knock, Knock, Who's Ed? == :'''Ed''': ''[imataing the doll]'' My Head is Snoring Mickets. == 1 + 1 = Ed == :'''Eddy''': Ed! What are you doing in my bed? :'''Ed''': I can't sleep, Eddy. I keep thinking; how can my feet smell if they don't have a nose? :'''Eddy''': Ed, get out of my room! :'''Ed''': Ow, my buttocks hurt. ''[looks at the lava lamp]'' Why does goo float? :'''Eddy''': Hit the road! ''[Ed eats it]'' Wha? My lamp! :'''Ed''': Eddy, why don't birds just take a bus south for the winter? Eddy, when you close the fridge door, does the little light stay on? :'''Eddy''': Go home! :'''Ed''': Hello light. Hello light. Hello light. Hello light. Hello light. ''[in the morning]'' Eddy, carrots are good for your eyes, can it dial a phone? :'''Eddy''': If you're gonna strain your peanut brain think of something more important. Like...how to get your face on a dollar bill. :'''Ed''': Eddy, why is someone in the kitchen with Dinah? :'''Eddy''': Uh, Double D up yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddy''': HEY DOUBLE D! :'''Edd''': Eddy, you know I hate that! Oh, hello, Ed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddy''': ''[pulling out a bra from an old dresser]'' Woo hoo. PG-13. :'''Ed''': That's my mom's, Eddy. :''[Eddy gags and drops the bra]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eddy somehow passes his hand behind the sun]'' :'''Eddy''': Didja see that? Weird. Oh well, can't beat em, eat em. ''[bites into the sun and it turns into a crescent moon]'' Not bad. :'''Jimmy''': Jumping Jehoshaphat, who turned out the sun? == Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Ed == :'''Ed''': OKAY I GIVE UP!! It's no fun being the last human. So can I be a bumblebee? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddy''': Eddy, you're the man with the scam. You're the big... Uh... ''[falls down the stairs]'' :'''Ed''': ''[talking to Nazz]'' So if I join you at the party, can I be a tarantula? Or maybe a salamander? :'''Eddy''': Party? Wait! Hey! I'm stuck! Ed! Don't forget Cockroach Eddy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rolf''': Are they from this planet? :'''Kevin''': No. They're from the Land of the Dorks. == Ready, Set... Ed! == :'''Ed''': I think I swallowed a turtle. :'''Eddy''': What country are we in? :'''Edd''': We're home, Eddy. And we've broken everything but a record. :'''Ed''': Can I wear a dress again? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ed''': Room for one more! :'''Kevin''': Touch me with that broom and I'll tear off your eyebrow. == Hands Across Ed == :'''Rolf''': Hallo. I will be performing my country's traditional Dance of the Hairless Otter- :'''Eddy''': Next! No budget for subtitles.... == Floss Yer Ed == :'''Ed''': Can I shave them? :'''Edd''': Ed, you don't shave coconuts, you eat them. :'''Ed''': Like report cards? == In Like Ed == :'''Ed''': Um, Double D, what's this do? :'''Edd''': That's just a coat hanger, Ed. :'''Ed''': Oh. Mum's the word. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddy''': Nice little soiree, huh, Rolfy-boy? :'''Rolf''': You have an invitation, overdressed Ed-boy? :'''Eddy''': The crow caws at midnight. :'''Rolf''': And the cat sours the basil. Rolf would love to talk politics, but I must see your invitation. :'''Eddy''': No problem, stretch...Look! Who's that hairy beast eating all the dip?! :'''Rolf''': Nana? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ed''': Oh, cool. This reminds me of the movie "Zombies From The Deep Freeze: A cash cow". This is the part where we'll be torn to pieces, stuffed into ice cube trays, and frozen and used to cool their drinks. :'''Edd''': Non-alcoholic, I hope. == Who Let The Ed In? == :''[The kids have spotted Eddy's fake prize-grabbing machine].'' :'''Jimmy''': Did it fall off a truck? :'''Sarah''': That's how my brother was born. :'''Kevin''': Prize grabbers are cool. :'''Eddy''': Whoa; that was fast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ed''': Jib made you presents. :'''Kids''': Presents? :'''Eddy''': I hate Jib. == Rambling Ed == :'''Eddy''': ''[to Ed, about Sarah]'' If she told you to go jump in a lake with a rock tied to your head, and wait for naked photos of you to be developed, so she can hand them out to all the kids in the cul-de-sac, would you? :'''Ed''': I had socks on, Eddy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ed''': My place is the cat's tuxedo. ''[pets the cow]'' Right, poochie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Edd and Eddy are sleeping in Rolf's bed]'' :'''Eddy''': Turn out that light! :'''Rolf''': Ah, yes! Sorry, Ed-boy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rolf''': ''[so loud that it echoes across the entire Cul-de-Sac and brings all activity to a halt]'' '''''THE BURDEN OF HOSPITALITY IS TOO GREAT FOR ROLF!!!!!!!!''''' == Homecooked Eds == :'''Eddy''': Why don't you Kankers get lost? :'''Ed''': And forget about any lovey-dovey stuff. :'''Kankers''': Lovey-dovey. :'''Eddy''': Ed, you dolt. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': What's a trailer doing on my- '''TRAILER?!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ed''': One plus one equals one on a bun. == To Sir With Ed == == Key To My Ed == == Honor Thy Ed == :'''Eddy''': Hit the road. ''[flicks a spider off the doorknob. It falls off, rolls across the floor and falls into a hole]'' :'''Edd''': Tell me that didn't happen. :'''Ed''': It didn't happen. == Scrambled Ed == :'''Edd''': ''[repeated line]'' Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ed''': ''[takes out a bottle of mustard from his jacket and squeezes it and a pencil pops up]'' Alley oop. Here's your mustard, Double D. :'''Eddy''': He asked for a pen. :'''Ed''': He asked for mustard. Do you have corn in your ears, mister? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sarah and Jimmy enter Sarah's room]'' :'''Jimmy''': After you, doctor. :'''Sarah''': Thank you, Nurse. :''[The two catch sight of Edd slumbering on Sarah's bed]'' :'''Jimmy''': AAH! :'''Sarah''': Double D, get out of my room! :'''Edd''': I'm sleepy, sleepy, sleepy. :'''Jimmy''': Hmm. A severe case of exhaustion, don't you think? :'''Sarah''': I'm the doctor, and I say he's dead. He's worser than I thought. Let's operate. == Urban Ed == :'''Ed''': Let's drive to the city, fellas. :'''Edd''': We're too young to drive, Ed. :'''Ed''': My dad has a shovel. :'''Eddy''': If we can't get to the city, then let's bring the city to the cul-de-sac. :'''Edd''': I suppose I'd better find some tape. :'''Ed''': Not to mention a duck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddy''': Pigeons don't go 'oink', Ed. :'''Ed''': I'm a gazelle. Oink! == Stop, Look, and Ed == == Rent-a-Ed == :''[Jonny's house is destroyed after Ed broke the support beam]'' :'''Kevin''': You guys are in so much trouble. :'''Eddy''': Tell me about it, I lost my money. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edd''': Let's just do the right thing, Eddy, and work for the rest of our lives to buy Jonny a new home. :'''Eddy''': Yeah, right. They'll never catch ''[rips his shirt off to reveal his trapeze costume]'' THE FLYING EDUARDO BROTHERS! :'''Edd''': You're still wearing that thing? == Shoo Ed == :'''Edd''': A suit, annoying? I spent two hours counter-balancing chains, and all you can come up with is a suit? :'''Eddy''': What's with you? It was the most annoying thing I could think of. :'''Edd''': My father wears a suit. :'''Eddy''': Exactly. :'''Edd''': Well I suggest something a little more on topic. Anchovies. The person who invented this smelly salty fish dish should have been imprisoned for the rest of their life. ''[to Jonny]'' Open wide please. :'''Jonny''': I smell something fishy. ''[dodges]'' :'''Edd''': Please, Jonny. ''[Jonny laughs and dodges again]'' Please, Jonny. :'''Jonny''': Plank says fish is– ''[Edd stuffs the spoon full of anchovies in his mouth and brushes his teeth with it]'' :'''Ed''': I glued a block of wood to Jonny's foot. :'''Edd''': Ed, why did you glue a block of wood to Jonny's foot? And why these chains? And why the suit? Why Jonny? :'''Eddy''': Jonny. People really like it when you say '''''WHY ALL THE TIME!''''' :'''Jonny''': They do? Why? Why? Why? Why? :'''Ed''': And people really like it when you poke 'em on the head. :'''Eddy''': Cut it out, Ed. :'''Ed''': See? Eddy likes it. == Ed In A Halfshell == :'''Edd''': Eddy, Eddy, It’s DODGEBALL ALL OVER AGAIN!!!! == Mirror, Mirror, on the Ed == :'''Ed''': Okay. I dare you, Eddy, to sprout the wings of a bat and stomp like a zombie while whistling ''Row, Row, Row Your Boat'' through a car wash. :'''Edd''': Ed, try a more reasonable dare, please. :'''Ed''': Okay, I dare Eddy to be Double D. :'''Edd''': Eddy act like me? Why, that's– :'''Eddy''': Stupid, Ed. You blew your chance to– :'''Edd''': Y'know, Eddy. It could be quite intriguing. Why, I'd be flattered if you were to mimic me. :'''Eddy''': Let's see, where do I start? ''[mimicking Double D]'' The wind conditions are absurd. The lean is too steep for the fat. :'''Ed''': Good Double D, Eddy. :''[Double D chuckles]'' :'''Eddy''': ''[pretends to strain to budge the bottle, unable to move it an inch]'' Oh, dear. The unsanitary. My skinny arms cannot bear the weight. Oh oh I know. I'll move it with my ''brain''. :'''Edd''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ha, ha, ha. Very good, Eddy. ''[spins the bottle]'' Can we resume playing? ''[the bottle settles on him]'' Oh dear. :'''Eddy''': ''Ha!'' I dare ya to be Ed. Go on, flatter him. :'''Edd''': Well, I suppose I could, but only if Ed will be Eddy. :'''Ed''': I can do Eddy, I practiced. Can it, Double Dweeb! :'''Eddy''': Whaddya mean you practiced? :'''Ed''': Shut up, Sockhead! :'''Eddy''': Please, Eddy. You're invading my personal space. :''[The Eds laugh]'' :'''Eddy''': Well? :'''Ed''': Do me, Double D. :'''Eddy''': We're waiting. :'''Edd''': Very well. Uh, let's see now. ''[manipulates his face so his eyes are spread out across his face]'' Buttered toast. :''[The Eds laugh again]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rolf''': Hurry, as the raspberries beg to be squashed, Ed-boy. :'''Ed as Eddy''': Let's sell the squash for cash. Chicken! Pet the chicken, pet the chicken... The stupid bird stole my quarter. Flew away with it. :'''Eddy as Edd''': Excuse me, 'Eddy'. May I fuel inject? Chickens cannot fly, as they are mammals. :'''Edd as Ed''': I love chickens, Eddy. :''[The Eds laugh]'' :'''Rolf''': Ed-boy! :'''Ed as Eddy''': Wake up, Monobrow. :'''Edd as Ed''': Oh right. Yes. Ahem. I am Ed. :'''Rolf''': You are not Ed-boy. I must have the large Ed-boy here now. So please, Ed-boy, raspberries to squash. Thank you. :'''Eddy as Edd''': Rolf said, thank you. Isn't it refurbishing to hear politeness? :'''Ed as Eddy''': Put a sock in it, sock in it. I got a plan. Hey, burnhead. I will now inflict pain on you. :'''Edd as Ed''': What? ''[Ed knocks Edd into the raspberry silo]'' Buttered toast? :'''Rolf''': No butter, raspberries. Squish the fruit, slowpoke Ed-boy. Rolf needs juice for his great thirst. :'''Eddy as Edd''': Eddy, I too am thirsty. Quite partial, to be correct. :'''Edd as Ed''': Parched. The word you're looking for is parched. :'''Ed as Eddy''': Yeah, right, Lumpy. Parched is a fish. ''[laughs]'' :'''Eddy as Edd''': Intriguing. :'''Rolf''': You are not Ed. You have cursed my raspberries to the life of salad dressing, impostor with tiny feet. :'''Ed as Eddy''': You know what they say, Double D. If you're thirsty, take a drink. Gee, Double D. You really let yourself go. Kids'll pay big money to ride a blimp. You're a genius, Double D. :'''Edd as Ed''': You really think I'm a genius? :'''Eddy as Edd''': Hey, I'm Double D. I'm the genius. :'''Ed as Eddy''': I have caused discomfort 'cause I'm Eddy! ''[laughs]'' :''[The 'Eds' laugh]'' :'''Rolf''': Rolf has never been so confused. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edd as Ed''': What in heaven's name is this? A ladle? Oh, my. '''''IT'S A TUB OF GRAVY!!!''''' <hr width=“50”/> :'''Eddy as Edd''': Oh, dear. Pain. == Hot Buttered Ed == :'''Edd''': Did you know shadow puppetry was one of the oldest forms of entertainment? :'''Ed''': Like walnuts? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ed''': The sound of a babbling brook makes me want to babble, Double D. <hr width=''50''/> :'''Ed''': You Can Be my sidekick, Frog-Mouth Kid, and Double D is our butler, um… Double D. == High Heeled Ed == :'''Jimmy''': ''[has fallen through the open manhole]'' Sarah! :'''Sarah''': Jimmy! What happened? :'''Jimmy''': I fell on my tushy, Sarah! :'''Sarah''': Don't move! I'll save you! ''[pulls out a modified fishing pole and casts it in. She catches Jimmy and hauls him out]'' Pee-yew, Jimmy, you stink. :'''Nazz''': That's putting it mildly. :'''Eddy''': Hey, why don't you let the guy have some fun, huh? :'''Sarah''': You're in a sewer, idiot. It's dirty, and stinky... :'''Eddy''': It's called ambiance. It's a swamp ride, get it? What do you girls know about- ''[a sign is thrown down at him]'' No skin off my nose, Sarah. I'm sure Kevin, Rolf, even Jonny will- :'''Sarah''': They went go-karting. :'''Eddy''': Go-karting? :'''Sarah''': And they won't be back till supper. Bye bye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddy''': We need to find our more sensitive side. :'''Ed''': I found my sensitive side, coz it has a rash. :'''Edd''': Thank you for sharing that with us, Ed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Pinch me I'm dreaming. Whee. I feel just like Elvis Presley. Jealous? ''[the golden paint develops cracks]'' Oh no. ''[gasped]'' When will the torment end? ''[falls, and the paint on the pants shatters into tiny pieces. He is wearing Ed's pants]'' :'''Nazz''': That wasn't gold, fakers. :'''Sarah''': You gypped us. :'''Edd''': Exposed. :'''Eddy''': Busted. :'''Ed''': Nope. Can't think of a word. :''[Nazz retrieves the $5 bill from Eddy]'' :'''Jimmy''': The shame. :'''Nazz''': Here's your money, Jimmy. ''[to the Eds]'' Grow up. :'''Sarah''': Wait till you get home, Ed. :'''Jimmy''': Charlatans. :'''Ed''': Spending extended time in female company can be mentally disorientating and physically confusing. :'''Eddy''': What's with you? :'''Edd''': Ed's trouser-less state seems to have jogged an intellectual moment within the confines of his brain. :'''Eddy''': Ed? Is that you? :'''Ed''': ...HUG ME! :'''Eddy''': Well, that didn't last long. :'''Ed''': ''[hugs Eddy]'' HUG! :'''Eddy''': Ed! == Fa-La-La-La-Ed == :'''Ed''': ''[holding a sprig of mistletoe]'' Do you see what I see? ''[puckers up]'' :'''Eddy''': Where'd you get that mistletoe? It's July! :'''Edd''': There's no kissing allowed in my parents' room, Ed! :'''Eddy''': ''[using Edd as a shield]'' You take care of Ed, Double D. I've got another nut to crack. Or should I say, piggy bank. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ed exposes the scam to the kids]'' :'''Edd''' ''[tearful]'': Oh, I'm so ashamed... ''[breaks down, whilst Ed comforts him]'' :'''Ed''': There, there, Double D. Santa forgives. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eds''': ''[singing at Rolf's front door]'' We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas- :''[Rolf opens the door wearing festive native clothing. Confused, Eddy and Double D stop singing]'' :'''Ed''': ''[continues singing]'' ...We wish you a merry Christmas, so give us some cash! :''[Wilfred oinks]'' :'''Rolf''': ''[puts a strip of bacon into the Eds' cash jar]'' No cash. A fine strip of bacon, yes? == Cry Ed == :'''Jimmy''': Murphy's law, do your stuff! ''[a clothespin lands on his foot]'' Ouch! My foot! It's broken! Owie! :'''Sarah''': Jimmy? :'''Jonny''': That clothespin went right for him, Plank. :'''Sarah''': You okay, Jimmy? :'''Jimmy''': Did someone get the number of that launderade? :'''Nazz''': Poor Jimmy. :'''Eddy''': ''[comes down in a kiddie pool standing on his tongue as his grand finale]'' Ta-da! ''[sees all the kids leaving]'' :'''Jonny''': Plank says clothespins are known to attack at the blink of an eye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sarah''': Here Jimmy. Drink some water. :'''Nazz''': Is there anything we can do for you? :'''Rolf''': Let Rolf nurture you with a bowl of Nano's pre-chewed seven-course dinner? :'''Jimmy''': My tummy, Sarah. Pitiless is the tempest sea. :'''Rolf''': Emergency. We must implement the boat procedures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddy''': It was horrible! ''[fake coughs]'' Did I say it was horrible? :'''Ed''': Horrible it was. A giant Swedish meatball with a bloodcurdling scream grabbed Eddy in its drooling grasp! ''[makes chewing sounds]'' :'''Edd''': Please. :'''Rolf''': Rolf has seen this meatball. It stalks Wilfred in the dead of night. :'''Kids''': Whoa! :''[Cut to Sarah and Jimmy]'' :'''Sarah''': You stay put here, Jimmy. I'll get some kids to help me carry you to your room. And don't forget to drink, you need to keep your fluids up. :'''Jimmy''': You forgot the straw, Sarah. ''[an acorn falls into his drink]'' An acorn. Hello, Mister Squirrel. You're cute. :''[Cut back to the Eds and the kids]'' :'''Nazz''': You're so brave, Eddy. Is there anything we can do for you? :'''Eddy''': The fact that I'm surrounded by all my friends is all I need. :'''Sarah''': You're just a big faker. Jimmy's the one who is really hurt. :'''Eddy''': Come closer, my child. You tell Jimmy he's out of his league. :'''Jimmy''': ''[in the backyard, he has been crushed by a tree]'' Sarah! Owie! :'''Nazz''': Not again! :'''Sarah''': ''[gasps]'' It's Jimmy! Jimmy's in trouble! :'''Nazz''': C'mon, guys! :'''Jonny''': Wait up, guys! :'''Eddy''': Hey, wait! Where ya goin'? Where's my attention? I was attacked by a meatball. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddy''': Hit the road, Bubbleboy. What the... :'''Rolf''': Rolf's eyes fool the brain of Rolf. :'''Kevin''': What are you talking about, man? :'''Rolf''': Rolf's eyes fool the brain of Rolf. Must I spell it? We have guests. :''[Eddy crash-lands on Rolf and Kevin]'' :'''Eddy''': It worked! I'm safe! I'm better than Jimmy! :'''Jonny''': Did 'ya see that, Plank? Great crash, Eddy. :'''Nazz''': Need any help, dude? :'''Jimmy''': ''[floating down]'' Greetings, earthlings! Oh, you too, Mr. Doggie. You're cute. ''[a low growl is heard]'' I'm safe! No problem! ''[his suit tears and deflates]'' Not safe! Not safe! Help me! :'''Sarah''': I'm coming, Jimmy! :'''Nazz''': Wait up, guys! ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Ed, Edd n Eddy seasons]] 8nezjoaxq7otzysy98pvnehzs3syyw0 0 193768 3955197 3895603 2026-06-22T04:02:26Z ~2026-36300-27 3344423 /* */ 3955197 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Human Penis.jpg|thumb|Please, fück me! I wanna be horny! I wanna cum! 😘]] The '''[[w:human penis|human penis]]''' is an external male [[w:intromittent organ|intromittent organ]] that additionally serves as the [[w:urination|urinal duct]]. == Quotes == === A === * The womb is a part peculiar to the female; and the penis is peculiar to the male. This latter organ is external and situated at the extremity of the trunk; it is composed of two separate parts: of which the extreme part is fleshy, hardly alters in size, and is called the glans; and round about it is a skin devoid of any specific title, which never grows together again if it is cut any more than does the jaw or the eyelid. And the connexion between the latter and the glans is called the frenum. The remaining part of the penis is composed of gristle; it is easily susceptible of enlargement; and it protrudes and recedes in the opposite way to that of the cat. Underneath the penis are two testicles, and the integument of these is a skin that is termed the scrotum. ** [[Aristotle]], ''History of Animals: Book I'' === B === *As was customary throughout antiquity, primitive people today make free use of phallic symbols, yet it never occurs to them to confuse the phallus, as a ritualistic symbol with the penis. They always take the phallus to mean the creative mana, the power of healing and fertility, ‘that which is unusually potent’. **Carl Jung, quoted in Antonio de Nicolas, Krishnan Ramaswamy, and Aditi Banerjee (eds.) (2007), ''[[Invading the Sacred|Invading the Sacred: An Analysis Of Hinduism Studies In America]]'' (Publisher: Rupa & Co., p. 152) Carl Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul === J === * [[Trump]]’s Praise for [[Arnold Palmer]]’s Genitalia Is ‘Fun’ ** House Speaker [[Mike Johnson]] according to [https://www.thedailybeast.com/mike-johnson-trumps--for-palmers-genitalia-is-fun/ Mike Johnson: Trump’s Praise for Arnold Palmer’s Genitalia Is ‘Fun’] (Oct. 20 2024) === O === * He mounted and reclined on the nearer side, his swollen penis harder than a horn, and meanwhile pulling up the bottom edge of the garment; there he met legs that bristled with thick rough hair. ** [[Ovid]], ''Fasti'' * <p>For a time the wine circulated among them and the porter then got up, undressed and went into the pool. The girls looked at him swimming in the water and washing under his beard and beneath his armpits, as they had done. Then he came out and threw himself into the lap of the lady of the house, with his arms in the lap of the doorkeeper and his feet and legs in the lap of the girl who had bought the provisions. Then he pointed to his penis and said: ‘Ladies, what is the name of this?’ They all laughed at this until they fell over backwards. ‘Your zubb,’ one of them suggested. ‘No,’ he said, and he bit each of them. ‘Your air,’ they said, but he repeated ‘No’, and embraced each of them.</p><p>Morning now dawned and Shahrazad broke off from what she had been allowed to say. Then, when it was the tenth night, her sister Dunyazad said: ‘Finish your story.’ ‘With pleasure,’ she replied, and she continued: I have heard, O fortunate king, that the girls produced three names for the porter, while he kissed, bit and embraced them until he was satisfied. They went on laughing until they said: ‘What is its name, then, brother?’ ‘Don’t you know?’ ‘No.’ ‘This is the mule that breaks barriers, browses on the mint of the dykes, eats the husked sesame and that passes the night in the khan of Abu Mansur.’ The girls laughed until they fell over backwards and then they continued with their drinking party, carrying on until nightfall.</p> ** ''[[One Thousand and One Nights]]'', Night 9 and 10. === P === * You lead us, master, sniffing to the hunt,<br>In quest forever of the perfect cunt. ** ''[[W:Phelps Putnam|Phelps Putnam]]'', "Sonnets to Some Sexual Organs" (1971) === W === * Worst part of me, and henceforth hated most,<br>Through all the town a common fucking-post,<br>On whom each whore relieves her tingling cunt<br>As hogs do rub themselves on gates and grunt, [[John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester|○ Earl of Rochester,]] "The Imperfect Enjoyment" (1680) == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Anatomy]] 2zoixk44g1zumwgjy2ju0kep2nic9su 3955209 3955197 2026-06-22T04:17:50Z Kalki 71 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-36300-27|~2026-36300-27]] ([[User talk:~2026-36300-27|talk]]) to last version by ~2026-74699-1 3895603 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Aristotle Altemps Inv8575.jpg|thumb|The womb is a part of the female; and the penis is a part of a male. This latter organ is external and situated at the extremity of the trunk; it is composed of two separate parts: of which the extreme part is fleshy, hardly alters in size, and is called the glans; and round about it is a skin devoid of any specific title, which never grows together again if it is cut any more than does the jaw or the eyelid. And the connexion between the latter and the glans is called the frenum. The remaining part of the penis is composed of gristle; it is easily susceptible of enlargement; and it protrudes and recedes in the opposite way to that of the cat. Underneath the penis are two testicles, and the integument of these is a skin that is termed the scrotum. ~ [[Aristotle]]]] The '''[[w:human penis|human penis]]''' is an external male [[w:intromittent organ|intromittent organ]] that additionally serves as the [[w:urination|urinal duct]]. == Quotes == === A === * The womb is a part peculiar to the female; and the penis is peculiar to the male. This latter organ is external and situated at the extremity of the trunk; it is composed of two separate parts: of which the extreme part is fleshy, hardly alters in size, and is called the glans; and round about it is a skin devoid of any specific title, which never grows together again if it is cut any more than does the jaw or the eyelid. And the connexion between the latter and the glans is called the frenum. The remaining part of the penis is composed of gristle; it is easily susceptible of enlargement; and it protrudes and recedes in the opposite way to that of the cat. Underneath the penis are two testicles, and the integument of these is a skin that is termed the scrotum. ** [[Aristotle]], ''History of Animals: Book I'' === B === *As was customary throughout antiquity, primitive people today make free use of phallic symbols, yet it never occurs to them to confuse the phallus, as a ritualistic symbol with the penis. They always take the phallus to mean the creative mana, the power of healing and fertility, ‘that which is unusually potent’. **Carl Jung, quoted in Antonio de Nicolas, Krishnan Ramaswamy, and Aditi Banerjee (eds.) (2007), ''[[Invading the Sacred|Invading the Sacred: An Analysis Of Hinduism Studies In America]]'' (Publisher: Rupa & Co., p. 152) Carl Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul === J === * [[Trump]]’s Praise for [[Arnold Palmer]]’s Genitalia Is ‘Fun’ ** House Speaker [[Mike Johnson]] according to [https://www.thedailybeast.com/mike-johnson-trumps--for-palmers-genitalia-is-fun/ Mike Johnson: Trump’s Praise for Arnold Palmer’s Genitalia Is ‘Fun’] (Oct. 20 2024) === O === * He mounted and reclined on the nearer side, his swollen penis harder than a horn, and meanwhile pulling up the bottom edge of the garment; there he met legs that bristled with thick rough hair. ** [[Ovid]], ''Fasti'' * <p>For a time the wine circulated among them and the porter then got up, undressed and went into the pool. The girls looked at him swimming in the water and washing under his beard and beneath his armpits, as they had done. Then he came out and threw himself into the lap of the lady of the house, with his arms in the lap of the doorkeeper and his feet and legs in the lap of the girl who had bought the provisions. Then he pointed to his penis and said: ‘Ladies, what is the name of this?’ They all laughed at this until they fell over backwards. ‘Your zubb,’ one of them suggested. ‘No,’ he said, and he bit each of them. ‘Your air,’ they said, but he repeated ‘No’, and embraced each of them.</p><p>Morning now dawned and Shahrazad broke off from what she had been allowed to say. Then, when it was the tenth night, her sister Dunyazad said: ‘Finish your story.’ ‘With pleasure,’ she replied, and she continued: I have heard, O fortunate king, that the girls produced three names for the porter, while he kissed, bit and embraced them until he was satisfied. They went on laughing until they said: ‘What is its name, then, brother?’ ‘Don’t you know?’ ‘No.’ ‘This is the mule that breaks barriers, browses on the mint of the dykes, eats the husked sesame and that passes the night in the khan of Abu Mansur.’ The girls laughed until they fell over backwards and then they continued with their drinking party, carrying on until nightfall.</p> ** ''[[One Thousand and One Nights]]'', Night 9 and 10. === P === * You lead us, master, sniffing to the hunt,<br>In quest forever of the perfect cunt. ** ''[[W:Phelps Putnam|Phelps Putnam]]'', "Sonnets to Some Sexual Organs" (1971) === W === * Worst part of me, and henceforth hated most,<br>Through all the town a common fucking-post,<br>On whom each whore relieves her tingling cunt<br>As hogs do rub themselves on gates and grunt, [[John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester|○ Earl of Rochester,]] "The Imperfect Enjoyment" (1680) == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Anatomy]] 5q52lebtn2bcuzykf388u9o2qyjw0ua 0 194163 3955207 3952886 2026-06-22T04:11:52Z ~2026-33625-15 3337022 3955207 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Mickey Mouse & Friends logo.png|thumb]] '''[[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse]]''' (also known as '''Michael Theodore Mouse''') is a cartoon character created in 1928 at [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Animation Studios]], who serves as the mascot of [[w:The Walt Disney Company|The Walt Disney Company]]. Created as a replacement for a prior Disney character, [[w:Oswald the Lucky Rabbit|Oswald the Lucky Rabbit]], Mickey first appeared in the short ''[[w:Plane Crazy|Plane Crazy]]'', debuting publicly in the short film ''[[w:Steamboat Willie|Steamboat Willie]]'' (1928), one of the first sound cartoons. In all, the character has appeared in over 130 films, including ''[[w:The Band Concert|The Band Concert]]'' (1935), ''[[w:Brave Little Tailor|Brave Little Tailor]]'' (1938), and ''[[w:Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940). Mickey appeared primarily in short films, but also occasionally in feature-length films. Ten of Mickey's cartoons were nominated for the [[w:Academy Award for Best Animated Short Film|Academy Award for Best Animated Short Film]], one of which, ''[[w:Lend a Paw|Lend a Paw]]'', won the award in 1942. In 1978, Mickey Mouse became the first cartoon character to have a star on the [[w:Hollywood Walk of Fame|Hollywood Walk of Fame]]. From 1930, the character has featured in comic strips and comic books. The [[w:Mickey Mouse (comic strip)|Mickey Mouse comic strip]], drawn primarily by [[w:Floyd Gottfredson|Floyd Gottfredson]], ran for 45 years. The mouse appeared in comic books such as ''[[w:Mickey Mouse (comic book)|Mickey Mouse]]'', Disney Italy's ''[[w:Topolino|Topolino]]'' and ''[[w:MM Mickey Mouse Mystery Magazine|MM – Mickey Mouse Mystery Magazine]]'', and ''[[w:Wizards of Mickey|Wizards of Mickey]]''. Mickey also features in television series such as ''[[w:The Mickey Mouse Club|The Mickey Mouse Club]]'' (1955–1996) and others. He appears in other media such as video games, and is a meetable character at the Disney parks. Mickey generally appears alongside his girlfriend [[w:Minnie Mouse|Minnie Mouse]], [[w:Minnie Mouse|her]] pet cat [[w:Pinocchio (1940 film)|Figaro]], his pet dog [[w:Pluto (Disney)|Pluto]], his friends such as [[w:Donald Duck|Donald Duck]], [[w:Donald Duck|his]] hypnotist girlfriend [[w:Daisy Duck|Daisy Duck]], [[w:Goofy|Goofy]], [[w:The Fox and the Cat|Honest John]], [[w:Bambi (character)|Bambi]], [[w:Thumper (Bambi)|Thumper]], [[w:Flower (Bambi)|Flower]], [[w:Chip 'n' Dale|Chip 'n' Dale]], [[w:Fun and Fancy Free|Bongo and Lulubelle]], [[w:List of Disney's Cinderella characters|Gus]], [[w:List of Disney's Cinderella characters|Anastasia Tremaine]], [[w:List of Disney's Cinderella characters|Lucifer]], [[w:Chip 'n' Dale|Clarice]], [[w:Ben and Me|Amos Mouse]], [[w:Kanga (Winnie-the-Pooh)|Kanga]], [[w:Roo|Roo]], [[w:The Aristocats|Roquefort]], [[w:The Aristocats|Duchess, Marie, Berlioz and Toulouse]], [[w:The Rescuers|Penny and Rufus]], [[w:Oliver & Company|Georgette]], [[w:List of TaleSpin characters|Rebecca and Molly Cunningham]], [[w:List of TaleSpin characters|Kitten Kaboodle]], [[w:List of TaleSpin characters|Lotta Lamour]] among others (see [[w:Mickey Mouse universe|Mickey Mouse universe]]). Though originally characterized as a cheeky lovable rogue, Mickey was rebranded over time as a nice guy, usually seen as an honest and bodacious hero. In 2009, Disney began to rebrand the character again by putting less emphasis on his friendly, well-meaning persona and reintroducing the more adventurous and stubborn sides of his personality, beginning with the video game [[w:Epic Mickey|Epic Mickey]]. [[sv:Musse Pigg]] ==Quotes== :<small>'''In chronological order within each section.'''</small> ===1931–1941=== * In the current American mythology, Mickey Mouse is the imp, the benevolent dwarf of older fables, and like them he is far more popular than the important gods, heroes, and ogres. Over a hundred prints of each of his adventures are made, and of the fifteen thousand movie houses wired for sound in America, twelve thousand show his pictures. So far he has been deathless, as the demand for the early Mickey Mouses continues although they are nearly four years old; they are used at children’s matinées, for request programs, and as acceptable fillers in programs of short subjects. It is estimated that over a million separate audiences see him every year. ** [[w:Gilbert Seldes|Gilbert Seldes]] [https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1931/12/19/walt-disney-profile-mickey-mouse-maker "Mickey-Mouse Maker: Walt Disney at thirty"], ''The New Yorker'' (December 11, 1931) * The first Mickey Mouse was made by twelve people after hours in a garage. About twelve hundred people are working overtime now in a fifty-one-acre plant. ** [[Walt Disney]] [https://archive.org/stream/american22asch/american22asch_djvu.txt "Growing Pains"], ''Journal of the Society of Motion Picture Engineers'' (January 1941), Vol. XXXVI, pp. 30-40, reprinted in ''American Cinematographer'' (1941), p. 106 (reproduced by the Internet Archive) ===2009=== * How long does copyright extend today? According to the [[w:Sonny Bono|Sonny Bono]] [[w:Copyright Term Extension Act|Copyright Term Extension Act]] of 1998 (also known as "the Mickey Mouse Protection Act," because Mickey was about to fall into the public domain), it lasts as long as the life of the author plus seventy years. In practice, that normally would mean more than a century. * To descend from the high principles of the [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Founding Fathers]] to the practices of the cultural industries today is to leave the realm of Enlightenment for the hurly-burly of corporate capitalism. If we turned the sociology of knowledge onto the present—as [[Pierre Bourdieu|[Pierre] Bourdieu]] himself did—we would see that we live in a world designed by Mickey Mouse, red in tooth and claw. ** [[w:Robert Darnton|Robert Darnton]] [https://www.nybooks.com/articles/2009/02/12/google-the-future-of-books/ "Google & the Future of Books"], ''New York Review of Books'' (February 12, 2009) ** The first released Mickey Mouse cartoon, ''[[w:Steamboat Willie|Steamboat Willie]]'' (1928), finally entered the [[w:Public domain|public domain]] on January 1, 2024. * Ending Catchphrases: ** ''See you real soon!'' (1955-2007) ** ''We’ll see you next time!'' (2021-present) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Fictional characters]] hxqf4tdxqg3tyoe2owxfpg3p0zz2m1c 0 195452 3955048 3342102 2026-06-21T12:14:23Z ~2026-36122-84 3344224 /* Quotes */ from itWQ 3955048 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Umberto Veronesi 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}]] '''{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}''' ([[28 November]] [[1925]] – [[8 November]] [[2016]]) was an [[Italy|Italian]] [[w:oncology|oncologist]] and [[politician]], internationally known for his contributions on prevention and treatment of {{w|breast cancer}} throughout a career spanning over fifty years. == Quotes == *In illness, pain for its own sake should never be accepted and should be countered by any means. Illness must increase, not decrease, respect for the individual's freedom, self-determination, and personality. :*''L'ombra e la luce'', p. 64. *A waiting list thousands of names long is ethically unacceptable. On the contrary, living transplantation is morally permissible, as well as meritorious, which today is also a simple and harmless surgical practice, just as the condition of those who find themselves living with only one kidney is practically risk-free. :* Giovanni Maria Pace, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2001/03/15/liste-attesa-troppo-lunghe-trapianti-di-rene.html Liste d'attesa troppo lunghe trapianti di rene tra viventi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 15 March 2001, p. 27. *A state law, the one on transplants, voted by a very large majority in the incumbent parliament, has been overturned by obtuse and irresponsible statements. Superficial statements dictated by ignorance of the issue that risk jeopardizing the work done so far to give thousands of sick citizens hope for life and to relieve their families of heavy daily anguish. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/online/spettacoli/celentano/veronesi/veronesi.html Veronesi contro Celentano "Uno schiaffo alle donazioni"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 28 April 2001. *It is too simplistic to believe that a child, in order to grow up in a balanced way, needs the presence of a father and mother of a different sex. No scientific research shows that being the children of homosexuals is dangerous to the acquisition of one's gender identity. The truth is that society needs time to adapt to change: just think of what happened 30 years ago to the children of separated people, who felt uncomfortable and tried to hide their reality. Now, however, being the children of separated people is almost normal. :*4 July 2006, quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20070726031645/http://www.gaynews.it/view.php?ID=38249 Gaynews.it]. *Our organism, like that of monkeys, is programmed precisely for the consumption of fruits, vegetables and legumes. A meat-free diet certainly wouldn't weaken us: think of the gorilla's physical power. And let's think about the newborn, who in the first few months quadruples his weight by feeding only on milk. Not only would a diet of fruits and vegetables be good for us, but it would serve precisely to keep diseases at bay. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *I am a committed vegetarian for ethical reasons (I don't want to satisfy my throat at the expense of the pain and death of other animals), but in making these statements I rely on more than established scientific reasons. We are surrounded by pollutants, which collective sensitivity now considers a risk to our lives. They are harmful substances if we breathe them in, but much more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves in precisely this situation, because from the atmosphere these substances fall back onto the ground, and therefore onto the grass which, eaten by livestock, accumulates in its fatty deposits, and finally arrives on our plate when we eat the meat. A toxic substance is more dangerous if ingested than if breathed in. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *Humanity risks a destructive ripple effect: depletion of energy, drinking water, and staple foods to satisfy unhealthy food consumption. Meat consumption has increased in China and India, just as it does not stop in the West. The numbers don't add up. Six billion inhabitants, three billion cattle for slaughter (every kilo of meat burns 20 thousand litres of water), 15 billion birds for food, production of fuels from cereals. There won't be any more food in a while. Wheat, soybeans, rice, corn are increasingly expensive and are going to fatten farm animals. We have to stop now. First step: becoming vegetarian, or almost. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2008/maggio/20/Tutti_vegetariani_battaglia_che_faro_co_9_080520097.shtml Tutti vegetariani. È la battaglia che farò in Senato]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 20 May 2008, p. 9. *I've been a vegetarian since I started choosing, and mine is a choice of love, philosophy, and science. Of love for animals and for life in all its forms, especially when it is helpless and cannot assert its desperate need to survive. No existence is small, none is insignificant. Eating is a form of celebration of life, and not denial of life itself to other living beings, because they are "inferior." There is no biological difference between animals. Why then is it horrifying to think of eating our dog, but we slaughter hundreds of lambs every Easter to celebrate? The philosophy of vegetarianism is nonviolence, and the violence to which animals for slaughter are subjected is brutal and cruel. :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *I am a vegetarian for ethical, not medical, reasons. Animals should be respected and not killed and then eaten. All animals. I am often asked why I chose to be a vegetarian. The first response is of an ethical nature. This is a choice I made a long time ago, because I firmly believe that men have no right to cause the suffering and death of other living beings. Animals experience emotions, pain, fear. What right do we have to snatch the lamb from the sheep to enjoy a leg of lamb, and the calf from the cow to have the "slices" that human mothers love so much for their children? I don't think mine are romantic ideas, without foundation. I still remember a shocking investigation into the real terror that grips the animals taken to the slaughterhouse, when they arrive near the slaughterhouse. Let's stop saying that animals "don't understand." :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *My commitment to [[vegetarianism]] has not only scientific and medical foundations, but also philosophical ones. Indeed, he was born in me as a child from love and respect for life in all its forms, especially when he cannot defend himself and assert his reasons. I have never endured the captivity of the farms and the cruelty of slaughter. Avoiding meat is a way to avoid the unnecessary suffering of animals. :*[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/08/sezioni/scienza_e_tecnologia/bistecca-artificiale/bistecca-veronesi/bistecca-veronesi.html?ref=search ''"Diventare vegetariani è meglio"''], ''la Repubblica'', 21 August 2008. *My law does not concern the subject of the permanent vegetative state in its entirety, but only the right of every citizen to reject this unnatural way of ending his life. Today, the decision on how and when to extend care is entirely in the hands of doctors, while instead it is the inalienable right of every citizen to decide whether to start or when to leave supportive treatment. [...] In the past there was a fear of dying prematurely. Today there is that of surviving beyond the natural limit of life, in an artificial condition, devoid of consciousness and life of relationship. [...] Those who have faith will choose to trust God. Or, still by faith, he will refuse treatments that could save him (blood transfusions for Jehovah's Witnesses). Those who have no faith will be able to rely on the powers of medical science or choose to set limits. :*''[http://www.corriere.it/cronache/08_novembre_13/pappagallo_testamento_biologico_a452abe4-b151-11dd-a7b7-00144f02aabc.shtml Testamento biologico, il medico può dire no]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 13 November 2008. *(Commenting on the Supreme Court ruling authorizing the interruption of treatment for [[w:Eluana Englaro|Eluana Englaro]]) The Supreme Court ruling does not sanction the victory of scientists, nor of lay people, nor of any political faction, but of citizens and the principles of the Constitution that protect their freedom. And once again, judges demonstrate their loyalty to the Constitution, and their intellectual independence from ideological pressures. Because precisely the rights of all citizens to individual freedom we are talking about. By "all" I mean believers and non-believers. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/10/sezioni/cronaca/eluana-eutanasia-3/comm-veronesi/comm-veronesi.html Non vince la scienza]'', ''la Repubblica'', 14 November 2008. *The very principle of the hospital must not revolve around the needs of the doctor but those of the patient. :*''Il Mattino'', 25 May 2009. *If you are a good conformist and respect the rules, no ideas come. :*From the interview by [[w:Fabio Fazio|Fabio Fazio]], ''[[w:Che tempo che fa|Che tempo che fa]]'', 31 October 2009. *I have become convinced that every religion expresses the need for a certain population at that historical moment. :*''Corriere della Sera'', 4 February 2010. *Science and faith cannot go together, because faith presupposes blind belief in something revealed in the past, a kind of legend that still persists today, without criticizing it, without the right to question mysteries and dogmas [...]. :*From the interview to [http://tg24.sky.it/tg24/cronaca/2010/02/04/umberto_veronesi_scienza_fede_10.html ''SKY TG24''], 4 February 2010. *Smoking is more deadly than [[alcohol]] and drugs: 50,000 deaths from lung cancer each year. Those who start at 15 risk cancer at 45. :*Quoted in ''City'', 20 April 2010, p. 2. *The philosopher [[Peter Singer|Singe]]r, who is one of the greatest advocates of animals, coined a term called "speciesism," which comes from racism. For centuries we have been anti-racist, but now we are starting to be anti-speciesist, that is, we don't want to, we don't think it's right for one species, the human one in particular, to take over and attack other species. This antispecism began to be an important philosophical movement and with the participation of many valuable philosophers. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *I created an institute, the European Institute of Oncology, where animals are not used. If you search everywhere, search the entire institute, you won't find a place where there are laboratory animals. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *Homosexual love is the purest love, unlike heterosexual love, which is instrumental to reproduction. :*''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/11_giugno_23/veronesi-amore-gay_cba482c8-9d92-11e0-b1a1-4623f252d3e7.shtml Veronesi difende i gay: «Quello omosessuale è l'amore più puro»]'', ''corriere.it'', 23 June 2011. *The true innovator is a big pain in the ass, he doesn't like anything and he has to change the rules, he has to change his habits, he has to redo an organization and we are often not prepared. :*From ''Un male curabile''; quoted in Equivita Scientific Committe, ''[http://www.equivita.it/index.php/it/12-comunicati/456-comunicato-150312 Vivisezione: gli ultimi fuochi di un paradigma morente]'', 15 March 2012. *The national health system has three flaws: the first is that it doesn't reward the quality of treatment; the second is that the national health system doesn't address [[prevention]]; and the other is that there's too much political infiltration, that's all. [...] I created the most advanced national system [...] in the world, not for quality, but for accessibility. Private healthcare has the problem that someone gains on the diseases of others, which is not something ethically very appreciable. Therefore this institute [the IEO], for example, has opened a new path: a private non-profit hospital, which therefore obliges us by statute to reinvest everything in research. We can't keep anything. [...] donors, who are also members of the board of directors, cannot take, withdraw anything. :*From an interview by Alberto Nerazzini, ''[http://www.rai.it/dl/docs/1368382655481doutdes2_report.pdf Do ut des 2]'', ''rai.it'', 2013. *Eating meat increases your chances of running into many serious conditions (some potentially fatal). I'm convinced it's impossible to count the number of problems we could avoid if we consumed less meat... On the contrary, plant-based foods have a protective function against the action of free radicals, that is, those molecules that can irreparably damage the structure of cells and their DNA: we often hear about them, «free radicals» is a term that has entered common parlance, yet we struggle to accept that to combat them we must adopt a vegetarian diet. Scandalous amounts are spent on antioxidant supplements that would combat aging and oxidation, when the best and most effective system would be to eat sensibly! :*''La dieta del digiuno'', Mondadori, Milano, 2013, pp. [https://books.google.it/books?id=gM5dEOtOqcgC&pg=PT21 21]-22. ISBN 9788852035647. *The commitment of a medical class more sensitive to human aspects is necessary, which must care not only about the body, but also about the mind. The mind is the place where medicine is perceived. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2013/aprile/07/Informazioni_dignita_Sui_diritti_del_co_0_20130407_18ed7df2-9f47-11e2-aaa1-67707bdac44a.shtml Informazioni e dignità. Sui diritti del malato ancora molto da fare]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 April 2013. *[The government is rowing] against e-cigarettes, with an incredible 58 percent tax rate that has caused many producers to disappear [...] [while thanks to e-cigarettes] 30,000 people could be saved a year in Italy alone. [...] Of course, the state makes more money from traditional cigarettes, it profits from this tragedy, but then it is forced to spend three billion every year to treat the 50,000 cancers that develop in Italy due to smoking. :* Carlo Brambilla, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2013/11/06/la-sigaretta-elettronica-promossa-dagli-scienziati-salva.html La sigaretta elettronica promossa dagli scienziati salva 30mila persone l'anno]'', ''la Repubblica'', 6 November 2013. *I would like to see the debate for the liberalisation of soft drugs reopened in Italy too. The time has come to overcome ideological barriers and admit that prohibition does not serve to reduce consumption. The Constitutional Court's ruling, declaring the Fini-Giovanardi law unconstitutional, demonstrates, once again, the more civilly advanced view of our judges compared to Parliament. With the rejection of the law, which equated hard and soft drugs and provided for sentences of up to 20 years in prison, it was estimated that sentences for 10,000 inmates would have to be reviewed because they were related to the use of soft drugs, and therefore for minor crimes. This is a huge number, corresponding to almost half of all drug inmates, approximately 40% of prisoners overall. Now, it is estimated that about 50% of our young people use cannabis, in addition to many adults. Does this mean that half of young Italians are criminals? If that were the case, there would be all the more reason to consider Fini-Giovanardi a total failure. Putting soft and hard drugs on the same level is unscientific. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/la-repubblica-delle-idee/polis/2014/02/20/news/l_appello_di_veronesi_liberalizzare_la_cannabis-79134131/?ref=search L'appello di Veronesi: liberalizzare la cannabis]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 20 February 2014. *[...] now faced with increased infertility, both male and female, and procreation that is increasingly advanced over the years, we must find solutions. And the simplest is medically assisted procreation. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015) :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015; also quoted in [http://www.adnkronos.com/salute/2015/03/17/veronesi-non-esistono-bimbi-sintetici-gay-possono-essere-bravissimi-genitori_m9jQz4LlVPoWshMv2f0RoJ.html ''Veronesi, non esistono bimbi sintetici e gay possono essere bravissimi genitori''], ''Adnkronos.com'', 17 March 2015. *If a person has a loving drive for their children, whether they are genetically his or not, it is very legitimate, whether they are gay or single couples. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015). :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015. *Many will want to know if in this reflection of mine, and study, and commit myself incessantly to so many causes I have found the meaning of life. Yes, I have an answer: life perhaps has no meaning. But that's exactly why we spend our lives looking for one. The important thing is not to know, but to seek. :*From the web-show ''The Innovation Game''; citato in ''[http://www.repubblica.it/next/2015/07/10/news/la_fabbrica_dell_innovazione-118785138/ La fabbrica dell'innovazione]'', ''repubblica.it'', 10 July 2015. *Getting a child used to adopting a vegetarian diet from weaning [...] means giving him an indisputable health advantage, because it provides him with a strong and long-lasting defense against many diseases of adulthood. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *Eliminating animal fats is always a lifesaver. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *I am against the idea of waging war on the Islamic State, because violence calls violence. The more they cut off heads, the more we bomb: someone must stop this chain of action and reaction and must do so with dialogue and religious tolerance. The Is must be heard. Rather, a peacemaking effort must be made by those who consider themselves civilized, against irrationality. ISIS is made up of a group of Sunnis who feel marginalized in Iraq and have created a very extremist movement, effectively because they want a homeland and are calling on Iraq to cede a small area, no larger than Lombardy, to create the Islamic state. In practice, it is a group that has been divided by artificial boundaries for many years. The IS must be listened to, its reasons must be understood, because like other minorities in Europe and around the world it calls for a homeland. :*''Adnkronos'', citato in ''[http://www.direttanews.it/2015/11/14/veronesi-non-dobbiamo-combattere-lisis/ Veronesi: "Non dobbiamo combattere l'Isis"]'', ''Direttanews.it'', 14 November 2015. *After Auschwitz, cancer is proof that [[existence of God|God does not exist]]. :*''[http://www.ilfattoquotidiano.it/2014/11/18/antonino-zichichi-umberto-veronesi-dio-esiste-prova-luniverso/1218469/ Antonino Zichichi a Umberto Veronesi: "Dio esiste e la prova è l'universo"]'', ''Il Fatto Quotidiano.it'', 18 November 2015. *Milanese people are productive, with a profound ethical vision of work, a strong sense of social justice, the transmission of well-being to future generations, and with total respect for civilization, rights, tolerance, and solidarity. :*From an interview by Elisabetta Soglio, ''[http://milano.corriere.it/notizie/politica/16_gennaio_11/veronesi-sala-vero-civil-servant-continuera-quanto-fatto-pisapia-237f7bbc-b84e-11e5-8210-122afbd965bb.shtml Veronesi: «Sala vero civil servant, continuerà quanto fatto da Pisapia»]'', ''Corriere.it'', 11 January 2016. === ''The First Day Without Cancer'' (2013) === :<small>''[https://books.google.it/books?id=Maf0AQAAQBAJ&pg=PT0 The First Day Without Cancer: The Battles We Have Won, and Those We Will Win]'', originally published as ''Il primo giorno senza cancro'', translated by Hidoko Fudemoto, New York: Open Road, 2013. {{ISBN|978-1-4804-4290-0}}</small> * We have reached the conclusion that what we eat is responsible for a large number of tumors, and that certain foods trigger [[cancer]] while others have a protective value. [[Meat]] and its derivatives figure among carcinogenic foods of the intestines. Meat, in fact, is particularly rich in saturated fatty acids, substances that lead to damaging activity in regard to our bodies in general. Furthermore, certain forms of tumors, such as intestinal cancer, are directly correlated to the consumption of meat, while others, such as endometrial tumors, are linked to obesity. * We have to consider that the foods we ingest let a certain amount of soluble toxic substances dispersed in the environment into our bodies. These polluting substances are harmful if we breathe them in, but they are even more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves precisely in that position, because such substances in the atmosphere fall back to Earth, and hence, onto the grass that, when eaten by cattle, introduces harmful substances into their adipose deposits and therefore into their flesh, and finally, onto our plates. * It should be remembered that the pharmacologic treatment of raised farm animals can cause damage to the health of anyone who eats their meat. For example, the antibiotics that are legally added to animal feed—with the objective of preventing infections—can cause a resistance to antibiotics in humans. That is to say, a selection of bacterial strains resistant to antibiotics can be transmitted from animals to man through food; and can thereby generate infections difficult to stop (at times fatal, as with salmonella). * Fruit and vegetables, instead, are foods extremely low in fats and high in fiber: by easing the passage of ingested food, they reduce the time of contact between possible carcinogens—present in our daily diet—with the walls of the intestines. * A [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]] diet, by reason of its low content of saturated fatty acids, cholesterol, and animal proteins, and its high concentrations of folic acids, antioxidants, and phytoestrogens—shown to be effective in inhibiting the growth or in promoting the regression of serious coronary pathologies—constitutes a barrier against a number of chronic degenerative diseases, cancer among them. And that is not all. Fruits and vegetables—besides contaminating us much less than some other foods—are troves of precious substances that enable the neutralization of carcinogenic agents and that 'dilute' the concentration of diseased cells and reduce their proliferation. All of these advantages, as well as many others, emerged from studies on populations in the last century. * Prevention is within reach of everyone. And here are recommendations: abstain from smoking, eat less, eat mostly vegetarian foods, an active mind and body, and follow individually designed early diagnostic regimens. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Veronesi, Umberto}} [[Category:1925 births]] [[Category:2016 deaths]] [[Category:Politicians from Italy]] [[Category:Medical scientists]] [[Category:Physicians from Italy]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:People from Milan]] [[Category:Social democrats]] bwlftwk9utcrgjde4k5z1i71fbvpf93 3955049 3955048 2026-06-21T12:14:50Z ~2026-36122-84 3344224 /* External links */ 3955049 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Umberto Veronesi 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}]] '''{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}''' ([[28 November]] [[1925]] – [[8 November]] [[2016]]) was an [[Italy|Italian]] [[w:oncology|oncologist]] and [[politician]], internationally known for his contributions on prevention and treatment of {{w|breast cancer}} throughout a career spanning over fifty years. == Quotes == *In illness, pain for its own sake should never be accepted and should be countered by any means. Illness must increase, not decrease, respect for the individual's freedom, self-determination, and personality. :*''L'ombra e la luce'', p. 64. *A waiting list thousands of names long is ethically unacceptable. On the contrary, living transplantation is morally permissible, as well as meritorious, which today is also a simple and harmless surgical practice, just as the condition of those who find themselves living with only one kidney is practically risk-free. :* Giovanni Maria Pace, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2001/03/15/liste-attesa-troppo-lunghe-trapianti-di-rene.html Liste d'attesa troppo lunghe trapianti di rene tra viventi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 15 March 2001, p. 27. *A state law, the one on transplants, voted by a very large majority in the incumbent parliament, has been overturned by obtuse and irresponsible statements. Superficial statements dictated by ignorance of the issue that risk jeopardizing the work done so far to give thousands of sick citizens hope for life and to relieve their families of heavy daily anguish. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/online/spettacoli/celentano/veronesi/veronesi.html Veronesi contro Celentano "Uno schiaffo alle donazioni"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 28 April 2001. *It is too simplistic to believe that a child, in order to grow up in a balanced way, needs the presence of a father and mother of a different sex. No scientific research shows that being the children of homosexuals is dangerous to the acquisition of one's gender identity. The truth is that society needs time to adapt to change: just think of what happened 30 years ago to the children of separated people, who felt uncomfortable and tried to hide their reality. Now, however, being the children of separated people is almost normal. :*4 July 2006, quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20070726031645/http://www.gaynews.it/view.php?ID=38249 Gaynews.it]. *Our organism, like that of monkeys, is programmed precisely for the consumption of fruits, vegetables and legumes. A meat-free diet certainly wouldn't weaken us: think of the gorilla's physical power. And let's think about the newborn, who in the first few months quadruples his weight by feeding only on milk. Not only would a diet of fruits and vegetables be good for us, but it would serve precisely to keep diseases at bay. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *I am a committed vegetarian for ethical reasons (I don't want to satisfy my throat at the expense of the pain and death of other animals), but in making these statements I rely on more than established scientific reasons. We are surrounded by pollutants, which collective sensitivity now considers a risk to our lives. They are harmful substances if we breathe them in, but much more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves in precisely this situation, because from the atmosphere these substances fall back onto the ground, and therefore onto the grass which, eaten by livestock, accumulates in its fatty deposits, and finally arrives on our plate when we eat the meat. A toxic substance is more dangerous if ingested than if breathed in. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *Humanity risks a destructive ripple effect: depletion of energy, drinking water, and staple foods to satisfy unhealthy food consumption. Meat consumption has increased in China and India, just as it does not stop in the West. The numbers don't add up. Six billion inhabitants, three billion cattle for slaughter (every kilo of meat burns 20 thousand litres of water), 15 billion birds for food, production of fuels from cereals. There won't be any more food in a while. Wheat, soybeans, rice, corn are increasingly expensive and are going to fatten farm animals. We have to stop now. First step: becoming vegetarian, or almost. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2008/maggio/20/Tutti_vegetariani_battaglia_che_faro_co_9_080520097.shtml Tutti vegetariani. È la battaglia che farò in Senato]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 20 May 2008, p. 9. *I've been a vegetarian since I started choosing, and mine is a choice of love, philosophy, and science. Of love for animals and for life in all its forms, especially when it is helpless and cannot assert its desperate need to survive. No existence is small, none is insignificant. Eating is a form of celebration of life, and not denial of life itself to other living beings, because they are "inferior." There is no biological difference between animals. Why then is it horrifying to think of eating our dog, but we slaughter hundreds of lambs every Easter to celebrate? The philosophy of vegetarianism is nonviolence, and the violence to which animals for slaughter are subjected is brutal and cruel. :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *I am a vegetarian for ethical, not medical, reasons. Animals should be respected and not killed and then eaten. All animals. I am often asked why I chose to be a vegetarian. The first response is of an ethical nature. This is a choice I made a long time ago, because I firmly believe that men have no right to cause the suffering and death of other living beings. Animals experience emotions, pain, fear. What right do we have to snatch the lamb from the sheep to enjoy a leg of lamb, and the calf from the cow to have the "slices" that human mothers love so much for their children? I don't think mine are romantic ideas, without foundation. I still remember a shocking investigation into the real terror that grips the animals taken to the slaughterhouse, when they arrive near the slaughterhouse. Let's stop saying that animals "don't understand." :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *My commitment to [[vegetarianism]] has not only scientific and medical foundations, but also philosophical ones. Indeed, he was born in me as a child from love and respect for life in all its forms, especially when he cannot defend himself and assert his reasons. I have never endured the captivity of the farms and the cruelty of slaughter. Avoiding meat is a way to avoid the unnecessary suffering of animals. :*[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/08/sezioni/scienza_e_tecnologia/bistecca-artificiale/bistecca-veronesi/bistecca-veronesi.html?ref=search ''"Diventare vegetariani è meglio"''], ''la Repubblica'', 21 August 2008. *My law does not concern the subject of the permanent vegetative state in its entirety, but only the right of every citizen to reject this unnatural way of ending his life. Today, the decision on how and when to extend care is entirely in the hands of doctors, while instead it is the inalienable right of every citizen to decide whether to start or when to leave supportive treatment. [...] In the past there was a fear of dying prematurely. Today there is that of surviving beyond the natural limit of life, in an artificial condition, devoid of consciousness and life of relationship. [...] Those who have faith will choose to trust God. Or, still by faith, he will refuse treatments that could save him (blood transfusions for Jehovah's Witnesses). Those who have no faith will be able to rely on the powers of medical science or choose to set limits. :*''[http://www.corriere.it/cronache/08_novembre_13/pappagallo_testamento_biologico_a452abe4-b151-11dd-a7b7-00144f02aabc.shtml Testamento biologico, il medico può dire no]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 13 November 2008. *(Commenting on the Supreme Court ruling authorizing the interruption of treatment for [[w:Eluana Englaro|Eluana Englaro]]) The Supreme Court ruling does not sanction the victory of scientists, nor of lay people, nor of any political faction, but of citizens and the principles of the Constitution that protect their freedom. And once again, judges demonstrate their loyalty to the Constitution, and their intellectual independence from ideological pressures. Because precisely the rights of all citizens to individual freedom we are talking about. By "all" I mean believers and non-believers. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/10/sezioni/cronaca/eluana-eutanasia-3/comm-veronesi/comm-veronesi.html Non vince la scienza]'', ''la Repubblica'', 14 November 2008. *The very principle of the hospital must not revolve around the needs of the doctor but those of the patient. :*''Il Mattino'', 25 May 2009. *If you are a good conformist and respect the rules, no ideas come. :*From the interview by [[w:Fabio Fazio|Fabio Fazio]], ''[[w:Che tempo che fa|Che tempo che fa]]'', 31 October 2009. *I have become convinced that every religion expresses the need for a certain population at that historical moment. :*''Corriere della Sera'', 4 February 2010. *Science and faith cannot go together, because faith presupposes blind belief in something revealed in the past, a kind of legend that still persists today, without criticizing it, without the right to question mysteries and dogmas [...]. :*From the interview to [http://tg24.sky.it/tg24/cronaca/2010/02/04/umberto_veronesi_scienza_fede_10.html ''SKY TG24''], 4 February 2010. *Smoking is more deadly than [[alcohol]] and drugs: 50,000 deaths from lung cancer each year. Those who start at 15 risk cancer at 45. :*Quoted in ''City'', 20 April 2010, p. 2. *The philosopher [[Peter Singer|Singe]]r, who is one of the greatest advocates of animals, coined a term called "speciesism," which comes from racism. For centuries we have been anti-racist, but now we are starting to be anti-speciesist, that is, we don't want to, we don't think it's right for one species, the human one in particular, to take over and attack other species. This antispecism began to be an important philosophical movement and with the participation of many valuable philosophers. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *I created an institute, the European Institute of Oncology, where animals are not used. If you search everywhere, search the entire institute, you won't find a place where there are laboratory animals. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *Homosexual love is the purest love, unlike heterosexual love, which is instrumental to reproduction. :*''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/11_giugno_23/veronesi-amore-gay_cba482c8-9d92-11e0-b1a1-4623f252d3e7.shtml Veronesi difende i gay: «Quello omosessuale è l'amore più puro»]'', ''corriere.it'', 23 June 2011. *The true innovator is a big pain in the ass, he doesn't like anything and he has to change the rules, he has to change his habits, he has to redo an organization and we are often not prepared. :*From ''Un male curabile''; quoted in Equivita Scientific Committe, ''[http://www.equivita.it/index.php/it/12-comunicati/456-comunicato-150312 Vivisezione: gli ultimi fuochi di un paradigma morente]'', 15 March 2012. *The national health system has three flaws: the first is that it doesn't reward the quality of treatment; the second is that the national health system doesn't address [[prevention]]; and the other is that there's too much political infiltration, that's all. [...] I created the most advanced national system [...] in the world, not for quality, but for accessibility. Private healthcare has the problem that someone gains on the diseases of others, which is not something ethically very appreciable. Therefore this institute [the IEO], for example, has opened a new path: a private non-profit hospital, which therefore obliges us by statute to reinvest everything in research. We can't keep anything. [...] donors, who are also members of the board of directors, cannot take, withdraw anything. :*From an interview by Alberto Nerazzini, ''[http://www.rai.it/dl/docs/1368382655481doutdes2_report.pdf Do ut des 2]'', ''rai.it'', 2013. *Eating meat increases your chances of running into many serious conditions (some potentially fatal). I'm convinced it's impossible to count the number of problems we could avoid if we consumed less meat... On the contrary, plant-based foods have a protective function against the action of free radicals, that is, those molecules that can irreparably damage the structure of cells and their DNA: we often hear about them, «free radicals» is a term that has entered common parlance, yet we struggle to accept that to combat them we must adopt a vegetarian diet. Scandalous amounts are spent on antioxidant supplements that would combat aging and oxidation, when the best and most effective system would be to eat sensibly! :*''La dieta del digiuno'', Mondadori, Milano, 2013, pp. [https://books.google.it/books?id=gM5dEOtOqcgC&pg=PT21 21]-22. ISBN 9788852035647. *The commitment of a medical class more sensitive to human aspects is necessary, which must care not only about the body, but also about the mind. The mind is the place where medicine is perceived. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2013/aprile/07/Informazioni_dignita_Sui_diritti_del_co_0_20130407_18ed7df2-9f47-11e2-aaa1-67707bdac44a.shtml Informazioni e dignità. Sui diritti del malato ancora molto da fare]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 April 2013. *[The government is rowing] against e-cigarettes, with an incredible 58 percent tax rate that has caused many producers to disappear [...] [while thanks to e-cigarettes] 30,000 people could be saved a year in Italy alone. [...] Of course, the state makes more money from traditional cigarettes, it profits from this tragedy, but then it is forced to spend three billion every year to treat the 50,000 cancers that develop in Italy due to smoking. :* Carlo Brambilla, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2013/11/06/la-sigaretta-elettronica-promossa-dagli-scienziati-salva.html La sigaretta elettronica promossa dagli scienziati salva 30mila persone l'anno]'', ''la Repubblica'', 6 November 2013. *I would like to see the debate for the liberalisation of soft drugs reopened in Italy too. The time has come to overcome ideological barriers and admit that prohibition does not serve to reduce consumption. The Constitutional Court's ruling, declaring the Fini-Giovanardi law unconstitutional, demonstrates, once again, the more civilly advanced view of our judges compared to Parliament. With the rejection of the law, which equated hard and soft drugs and provided for sentences of up to 20 years in prison, it was estimated that sentences for 10,000 inmates would have to be reviewed because they were related to the use of soft drugs, and therefore for minor crimes. This is a huge number, corresponding to almost half of all drug inmates, approximately 40% of prisoners overall. Now, it is estimated that about 50% of our young people use cannabis, in addition to many adults. Does this mean that half of young Italians are criminals? If that were the case, there would be all the more reason to consider Fini-Giovanardi a total failure. Putting soft and hard drugs on the same level is unscientific. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/la-repubblica-delle-idee/polis/2014/02/20/news/l_appello_di_veronesi_liberalizzare_la_cannabis-79134131/?ref=search L'appello di Veronesi: liberalizzare la cannabis]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 20 February 2014. *[...] now faced with increased infertility, both male and female, and procreation that is increasingly advanced over the years, we must find solutions. And the simplest is medically assisted procreation. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015) :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015; also quoted in [http://www.adnkronos.com/salute/2015/03/17/veronesi-non-esistono-bimbi-sintetici-gay-possono-essere-bravissimi-genitori_m9jQz4LlVPoWshMv2f0RoJ.html ''Veronesi, non esistono bimbi sintetici e gay possono essere bravissimi genitori''], ''Adnkronos.com'', 17 March 2015. *If a person has a loving drive for their children, whether they are genetically his or not, it is very legitimate, whether they are gay or single couples. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015). :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015. *Many will want to know if in this reflection of mine, and study, and commit myself incessantly to so many causes I have found the meaning of life. Yes, I have an answer: life perhaps has no meaning. But that's exactly why we spend our lives looking for one. The important thing is not to know, but to seek. :*From the web-show ''The Innovation Game''; citato in ''[http://www.repubblica.it/next/2015/07/10/news/la_fabbrica_dell_innovazione-118785138/ La fabbrica dell'innovazione]'', ''repubblica.it'', 10 July 2015. *Getting a child used to adopting a vegetarian diet from weaning [...] means giving him an indisputable health advantage, because it provides him with a strong and long-lasting defense against many diseases of adulthood. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *Eliminating animal fats is always a lifesaver. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *I am against the idea of waging war on the Islamic State, because violence calls violence. The more they cut off heads, the more we bomb: someone must stop this chain of action and reaction and must do so with dialogue and religious tolerance. The Is must be heard. Rather, a peacemaking effort must be made by those who consider themselves civilized, against irrationality. ISIS is made up of a group of Sunnis who feel marginalized in Iraq and have created a very extremist movement, effectively because they want a homeland and are calling on Iraq to cede a small area, no larger than Lombardy, to create the Islamic state. In practice, it is a group that has been divided by artificial boundaries for many years. The IS must be listened to, its reasons must be understood, because like other minorities in Europe and around the world it calls for a homeland. :*''Adnkronos'', citato in ''[http://www.direttanews.it/2015/11/14/veronesi-non-dobbiamo-combattere-lisis/ Veronesi: "Non dobbiamo combattere l'Isis"]'', ''Direttanews.it'', 14 November 2015. *After Auschwitz, cancer is proof that [[existence of God|God does not exist]]. :*''[http://www.ilfattoquotidiano.it/2014/11/18/antonino-zichichi-umberto-veronesi-dio-esiste-prova-luniverso/1218469/ Antonino Zichichi a Umberto Veronesi: "Dio esiste e la prova è l'universo"]'', ''Il Fatto Quotidiano.it'', 18 November 2015. *Milanese people are productive, with a profound ethical vision of work, a strong sense of social justice, the transmission of well-being to future generations, and with total respect for civilization, rights, tolerance, and solidarity. :*From an interview by Elisabetta Soglio, ''[http://milano.corriere.it/notizie/politica/16_gennaio_11/veronesi-sala-vero-civil-servant-continuera-quanto-fatto-pisapia-237f7bbc-b84e-11e5-8210-122afbd965bb.shtml Veronesi: «Sala vero civil servant, continuerà quanto fatto da Pisapia»]'', ''Corriere.it'', 11 January 2016. === ''The First Day Without Cancer'' (2013) === :<small>''[https://books.google.it/books?id=Maf0AQAAQBAJ&pg=PT0 The First Day Without Cancer: The Battles We Have Won, and Those We Will Win]'', originally published as ''Il primo giorno senza cancro'', translated by Hidoko Fudemoto, New York: Open Road, 2013. {{ISBN|978-1-4804-4290-0}}</small> * We have reached the conclusion that what we eat is responsible for a large number of tumors, and that certain foods trigger [[cancer]] while others have a protective value. [[Meat]] and its derivatives figure among carcinogenic foods of the intestines. Meat, in fact, is particularly rich in saturated fatty acids, substances that lead to damaging activity in regard to our bodies in general. Furthermore, certain forms of tumors, such as intestinal cancer, are directly correlated to the consumption of meat, while others, such as endometrial tumors, are linked to obesity. * We have to consider that the foods we ingest let a certain amount of soluble toxic substances dispersed in the environment into our bodies. These polluting substances are harmful if we breathe them in, but they are even more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves precisely in that position, because such substances in the atmosphere fall back to Earth, and hence, onto the grass that, when eaten by cattle, introduces harmful substances into their adipose deposits and therefore into their flesh, and finally, onto our plates. * It should be remembered that the pharmacologic treatment of raised farm animals can cause damage to the health of anyone who eats their meat. For example, the antibiotics that are legally added to animal feed—with the objective of preventing infections—can cause a resistance to antibiotics in humans. That is to say, a selection of bacterial strains resistant to antibiotics can be transmitted from animals to man through food; and can thereby generate infections difficult to stop (at times fatal, as with salmonella). * Fruit and vegetables, instead, are foods extremely low in fats and high in fiber: by easing the passage of ingested food, they reduce the time of contact between possible carcinogens—present in our daily diet—with the walls of the intestines. * A [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]] diet, by reason of its low content of saturated fatty acids, cholesterol, and animal proteins, and its high concentrations of folic acids, antioxidants, and phytoestrogens—shown to be effective in inhibiting the growth or in promoting the regression of serious coronary pathologies—constitutes a barrier against a number of chronic degenerative diseases, cancer among them. And that is not all. Fruits and vegetables—besides contaminating us much less than some other foods—are troves of precious substances that enable the neutralization of carcinogenic agents and that 'dilute' the concentration of diseased cells and reduce their proliferation. All of these advantages, as well as many others, emerged from studies on populations in the last century. * Prevention is within reach of everyone. And here are recommendations: abstain from smoking, eat less, eat mostly vegetarian foods, an active mind and body, and follow individually designed early diagnostic regimens. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Veronesi, Umberto}} [[Category:1925 births]] [[Category:2016 deaths]] [[Category:Politicians from Italy]] [[Category:Medical scientists]] [[Category:Physicians from Italy]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:People from Milan]] [[Category:Social democrats]] fvrjjzhc9obotjfm4zp1qa18axuu64l 3955051 3955049 2026-06-21T12:21:34Z ~2026-36122-84 3344224 /* Quotes */ interviews 3955051 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Umberto Veronesi 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}]] '''{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}''' ([[28 November]] [[1925]] – [[8 November]] [[2016]]) was an [[Italy|Italian]] [[w:oncology|oncologist]] and [[politician]], internationally known for his contributions on prevention and treatment of {{w|breast cancer}} throughout a career spanning over fifty years. == Quotes == *In illness, pain for its own sake should never be accepted and should be countered by any means. Illness must increase, not decrease, respect for the individual's freedom, self-determination, and personality. :*''L'ombra e la luce'', p. 64. *A waiting list thousands of names long is ethically unacceptable. On the contrary, living transplantation is morally permissible, as well as meritorious, which today is also a simple and harmless surgical practice, just as the condition of those who find themselves living with only one kidney is practically risk-free. :* Giovanni Maria Pace, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2001/03/15/liste-attesa-troppo-lunghe-trapianti-di-rene.html Liste d'attesa troppo lunghe trapianti di rene tra viventi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 15 March 2001, p. 27. *A state law, the one on transplants, voted by a very large majority in the incumbent parliament, has been overturned by obtuse and irresponsible statements. Superficial statements dictated by ignorance of the issue that risk jeopardizing the work done so far to give thousands of sick citizens hope for life and to relieve their families of heavy daily anguish. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/online/spettacoli/celentano/veronesi/veronesi.html Veronesi contro Celentano "Uno schiaffo alle donazioni"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 28 April 2001. *It is too simplistic to believe that a child, in order to grow up in a balanced way, needs the presence of a father and mother of a different sex. No scientific research shows that being the children of homosexuals is dangerous to the acquisition of one's gender identity. The truth is that society needs time to adapt to change: just think of what happened 30 years ago to the children of separated people, who felt uncomfortable and tried to hide their reality. Now, however, being the children of separated people is almost normal. :*4 July 2006, quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20070726031645/http://www.gaynews.it/view.php?ID=38249 Gaynews.it]. *Our organism, like that of monkeys, is programmed precisely for the consumption of fruits, vegetables and legumes. A meat-free diet certainly wouldn't weaken us: think of the gorilla's physical power. And let's think about the newborn, who in the first few months quadruples his weight by feeding only on milk. Not only would a diet of fruits and vegetables be good for us, but it would serve precisely to keep diseases at bay. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *I am a committed vegetarian for ethical reasons (I don't want to satisfy my throat at the expense of the pain and death of other animals), but in making these statements I rely on more than established scientific reasons. We are surrounded by pollutants, which collective sensitivity now considers a risk to our lives. They are harmful substances if we breathe them in, but much more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves in precisely this situation, because from the atmosphere these substances fall back onto the ground, and therefore onto the grass which, eaten by livestock, accumulates in its fatty deposits, and finally arrives on our plate when we eat the meat. A toxic substance is more dangerous if ingested than if breathed in. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *Humanity risks a destructive ripple effect: depletion of energy, drinking water, and staple foods to satisfy unhealthy food consumption. Meat consumption has increased in China and India, just as it does not stop in the West. The numbers don't add up. Six billion inhabitants, three billion cattle for slaughter (every kilo of meat burns 20 thousand litres of water), 15 billion birds for food, production of fuels from cereals. There won't be any more food in a while. Wheat, soybeans, rice, corn are increasingly expensive and are going to fatten farm animals. We have to stop now. First step: becoming vegetarian, or almost. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2008/maggio/20/Tutti_vegetariani_battaglia_che_faro_co_9_080520097.shtml Tutti vegetariani. È la battaglia che farò in Senato]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 20 May 2008, p. 9. *I've been a vegetarian since I started choosing, and mine is a choice of love, philosophy, and science. Of love for animals and for life in all its forms, especially when it is helpless and cannot assert its desperate need to survive. No existence is small, none is insignificant. Eating is a form of celebration of life, and not denial of life itself to other living beings, because they are "inferior." There is no biological difference between animals. Why then is it horrifying to think of eating our dog, but we slaughter hundreds of lambs every Easter to celebrate? The philosophy of vegetarianism is nonviolence, and the violence to which animals for slaughter are subjected is brutal and cruel. :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *I am a vegetarian for ethical, not medical, reasons. Animals should be respected and not killed and then eaten. All animals. I am often asked why I chose to be a vegetarian. The first response is of an ethical nature. This is a choice I made a long time ago, because I firmly believe that men have no right to cause the suffering and death of other living beings. Animals experience emotions, pain, fear. What right do we have to snatch the lamb from the sheep to enjoy a leg of lamb, and the calf from the cow to have the "slices" that human mothers love so much for their children? I don't think mine are romantic ideas, without foundation. I still remember a shocking investigation into the real terror that grips the animals taken to the slaughterhouse, when they arrive near the slaughterhouse. Let's stop saying that animals "don't understand." :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *My commitment to [[vegetarianism]] has not only scientific and medical foundations, but also philosophical ones. Indeed, he was born in me as a child from love and respect for life in all its forms, especially when he cannot defend himself and assert his reasons. I have never endured the captivity of the farms and the cruelty of slaughter. Avoiding meat is a way to avoid the unnecessary suffering of animals. :*[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/08/sezioni/scienza_e_tecnologia/bistecca-artificiale/bistecca-veronesi/bistecca-veronesi.html?ref=search ''"Diventare vegetariani è meglio"''], ''la Repubblica'', 21 August 2008. *My law does not concern the subject of the permanent vegetative state in its entirety, but only the right of every citizen to reject this unnatural way of ending his life. Today, the decision on how and when to extend care is entirely in the hands of doctors, while instead it is the inalienable right of every citizen to decide whether to start or when to leave supportive treatment. [...] In the past there was a fear of dying prematurely. Today there is that of surviving beyond the natural limit of life, in an artificial condition, devoid of consciousness and life of relationship. [...] Those who have faith will choose to trust God. Or, still by faith, he will refuse treatments that could save him (blood transfusions for Jehovah's Witnesses). Those who have no faith will be able to rely on the powers of medical science or choose to set limits. :*''[http://www.corriere.it/cronache/08_novembre_13/pappagallo_testamento_biologico_a452abe4-b151-11dd-a7b7-00144f02aabc.shtml Testamento biologico, il medico può dire no]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 13 November 2008. *(Commenting on the Supreme Court ruling authorizing the interruption of treatment for [[w:Eluana Englaro|Eluana Englaro]]) The Supreme Court ruling does not sanction the victory of scientists, nor of lay people, nor of any political faction, but of citizens and the principles of the Constitution that protect their freedom. And once again, judges demonstrate their loyalty to the Constitution, and their intellectual independence from ideological pressures. Because precisely the rights of all citizens to individual freedom we are talking about. By "all" I mean believers and non-believers. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/10/sezioni/cronaca/eluana-eutanasia-3/comm-veronesi/comm-veronesi.html Non vince la scienza]'', ''la Repubblica'', 14 November 2008. *The very principle of the hospital must not revolve around the needs of the doctor but those of the patient. :*''Il Mattino'', 25 May 2009. *If you are a good conformist and respect the rules, no ideas come. :*From the interview by [[w:Fabio Fazio|Fabio Fazio]], ''[[w:Che tempo che fa|Che tempo che fa]]'', 31 October 2009. *I have become convinced that every religion expresses the need for a certain population at that historical moment. :*''Corriere della Sera'', 4 February 2010. *Science and faith cannot go together, because faith presupposes blind belief in something revealed in the past, a kind of legend that still persists today, without criticizing it, without the right to question mysteries and dogmas [...]. :*From the interview to [http://tg24.sky.it/tg24/cronaca/2010/02/04/umberto_veronesi_scienza_fede_10.html ''SKY TG24''], 4 February 2010. *Smoking is more deadly than [[alcohol]] and drugs: 50,000 deaths from lung cancer each year. Those who start at 15 risk cancer at 45. :*Quoted in ''City'', 20 April 2010, p. 2. *The philosopher [[Peter Singer|Singe]]r, who is one of the greatest advocates of animals, coined a term called "speciesism," which comes from racism. For centuries we have been anti-racist, but now we are starting to be anti-speciesist, that is, we don't want to, we don't think it's right for one species, the human one in particular, to take over and attack other species. This antispecism began to be an important philosophical movement and with the participation of many valuable philosophers. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *I created an institute, the European Institute of Oncology, where animals are not used. If you search everywhere, search the entire institute, you won't find a place where there are laboratory animals. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *Homosexual love is the purest love, unlike heterosexual love, which is instrumental to reproduction. :*''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/11_giugno_23/veronesi-amore-gay_cba482c8-9d92-11e0-b1a1-4623f252d3e7.shtml Veronesi difende i gay: «Quello omosessuale è l'amore più puro»]'', ''corriere.it'', 23 June 2011. *The true innovator is a big pain in the ass, he doesn't like anything and he has to change the rules, he has to change his habits, he has to redo an organization and we are often not prepared. :*From ''Un male curabile''; quoted in Equivita Scientific Committe, ''[http://www.equivita.it/index.php/it/12-comunicati/456-comunicato-150312 Vivisezione: gli ultimi fuochi di un paradigma morente]'', 15 March 2012. *The national health system has three flaws: the first is that it doesn't reward the quality of treatment; the second is that the national health system doesn't address [[prevention]]; and the other is that there's too much political infiltration, that's all. [...] I created the most advanced national system [...] in the world, not for quality, but for accessibility. Private healthcare has the problem that someone gains on the diseases of others, which is not something ethically very appreciable. Therefore this institute [the IEO], for example, has opened a new path: a private non-profit hospital, which therefore obliges us by statute to reinvest everything in research. We can't keep anything. [...] donors, who are also members of the board of directors, cannot take, withdraw anything. :*From an interview by Alberto Nerazzini, ''[http://www.rai.it/dl/docs/1368382655481doutdes2_report.pdf Do ut des 2]'', ''rai.it'', 2013. *Eating meat increases your chances of running into many serious conditions (some potentially fatal). I'm convinced it's impossible to count the number of problems we could avoid if we consumed less meat... On the contrary, plant-based foods have a protective function against the action of free radicals, that is, those molecules that can irreparably damage the structure of cells and their DNA: we often hear about them, «free radicals» is a term that has entered common parlance, yet we struggle to accept that to combat them we must adopt a vegetarian diet. Scandalous amounts are spent on antioxidant supplements that would combat aging and oxidation, when the best and most effective system would be to eat sensibly! :*''La dieta del digiuno'', Mondadori, Milano, 2013, pp. [https://books.google.it/books?id=gM5dEOtOqcgC&pg=PT21 21]-22. ISBN 9788852035647. *The commitment of a medical class more sensitive to human aspects is necessary, which must care not only about the body, but also about the mind. The mind is the place where medicine is perceived. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2013/aprile/07/Informazioni_dignita_Sui_diritti_del_co_0_20130407_18ed7df2-9f47-11e2-aaa1-67707bdac44a.shtml Informazioni e dignità. Sui diritti del malato ancora molto da fare]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 April 2013. *[The government is rowing] against e-cigarettes, with an incredible 58 percent tax rate that has caused many producers to disappear [...] [while thanks to e-cigarettes] 30,000 people could be saved a year in Italy alone. [...] Of course, the state makes more money from traditional cigarettes, it profits from this tragedy, but then it is forced to spend three billion every year to treat the 50,000 cancers that develop in Italy due to smoking. :* Carlo Brambilla, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2013/11/06/la-sigaretta-elettronica-promossa-dagli-scienziati-salva.html La sigaretta elettronica promossa dagli scienziati salva 30mila persone l'anno]'', ''la Repubblica'', 6 November 2013. *I would like to see the debate for the liberalisation of soft drugs reopened in Italy too. The time has come to overcome ideological barriers and admit that prohibition does not serve to reduce consumption. The Constitutional Court's ruling, declaring the Fini-Giovanardi law unconstitutional, demonstrates, once again, the more civilly advanced view of our judges compared to Parliament. With the rejection of the law, which equated hard and soft drugs and provided for sentences of up to 20 years in prison, it was estimated that sentences for 10,000 inmates would have to be reviewed because they were related to the use of soft drugs, and therefore for minor crimes. This is a huge number, corresponding to almost half of all drug inmates, approximately 40% of prisoners overall. Now, it is estimated that about 50% of our young people use cannabis, in addition to many adults. Does this mean that half of young Italians are criminals? If that were the case, there would be all the more reason to consider Fini-Giovanardi a total failure. Putting soft and hard drugs on the same level is unscientific. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/la-repubblica-delle-idee/polis/2014/02/20/news/l_appello_di_veronesi_liberalizzare_la_cannabis-79134131/?ref=search L'appello di Veronesi: liberalizzare la cannabis]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 20 February 2014. *[...] now faced with increased infertility, both male and female, and procreation that is increasingly advanced over the years, we must find solutions. And the simplest is medically assisted procreation. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015) :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015; also quoted in [http://www.adnkronos.com/salute/2015/03/17/veronesi-non-esistono-bimbi-sintetici-gay-possono-essere-bravissimi-genitori_m9jQz4LlVPoWshMv2f0RoJ.html ''Veronesi, non esistono bimbi sintetici e gay possono essere bravissimi genitori''], ''Adnkronos.com'', 17 March 2015. *If a person has a loving drive for their children, whether they are genetically his or not, it is very legitimate, whether they are gay or single couples. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015). :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015. *Many will want to know if in this reflection of mine, and study, and commit myself incessantly to so many causes I have found the meaning of life. Yes, I have an answer: life perhaps has no meaning. But that's exactly why we spend our lives looking for one. The important thing is not to know, but to seek. :*From the web-show ''The Innovation Game''; citato in ''[http://www.repubblica.it/next/2015/07/10/news/la_fabbrica_dell_innovazione-118785138/ La fabbrica dell'innovazione]'', ''repubblica.it'', 10 July 2015. *Getting a child used to adopting a vegetarian diet from weaning [...] means giving him an indisputable health advantage, because it provides him with a strong and long-lasting defense against many diseases of adulthood. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *Eliminating animal fats is always a lifesaver. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *I am against the idea of waging war on the Islamic State, because violence calls violence. The more they cut off heads, the more we bomb: someone must stop this chain of action and reaction and must do so with dialogue and religious tolerance. The Is must be heard. Rather, a peacemaking effort must be made by those who consider themselves civilized, against irrationality. ISIS is made up of a group of Sunnis who feel marginalized in Iraq and have created a very extremist movement, effectively because they want a homeland and are calling on Iraq to cede a small area, no larger than Lombardy, to create the Islamic state. In practice, it is a group that has been divided by artificial boundaries for many years. The IS must be listened to, its reasons must be understood, because like other minorities in Europe and around the world it calls for a homeland. :*''Adnkronos'', citato in ''[http://www.direttanews.it/2015/11/14/veronesi-non-dobbiamo-combattere-lisis/ Veronesi: "Non dobbiamo combattere l'Isis"]'', ''Direttanews.it'', 14 November 2015. *After Auschwitz, cancer is proof that [[existence of God|God does not exist]]. :*''[http://www.ilfattoquotidiano.it/2014/11/18/antonino-zichichi-umberto-veronesi-dio-esiste-prova-luniverso/1218469/ Antonino Zichichi a Umberto Veronesi: "Dio esiste e la prova è l'universo"]'', ''Il Fatto Quotidiano.it'', 18 November 2015. *Milanese people are productive, with a profound ethical vision of work, a strong sense of social justice, the transmission of well-being to future generations, and with total respect for civilization, rights, tolerance, and solidarity. :*From an interview by Elisabetta Soglio, ''[http://milano.corriere.it/notizie/politica/16_gennaio_11/veronesi-sala-vero-civil-servant-continuera-quanto-fatto-pisapia-237f7bbc-b84e-11e5-8210-122afbd965bb.shtml Veronesi: «Sala vero civil servant, continuerà quanto fatto da Pisapia»]'', ''Corriere.it'', 11 January 2016. === ''The First Day Without Cancer'' (2013) === :<small>''[https://books.google.it/books?id=Maf0AQAAQBAJ&pg=PT0 The First Day Without Cancer: The Battles We Have Won, and Those We Will Win]'', originally published as ''Il primo giorno senza cancro'', translated by Hidoko Fudemoto, New York: Open Road, 2013. {{ISBN|978-1-4804-4290-0}}</small> * We have reached the conclusion that what we eat is responsible for a large number of tumors, and that certain foods trigger [[cancer]] while others have a protective value. [[Meat]] and its derivatives figure among carcinogenic foods of the intestines. Meat, in fact, is particularly rich in saturated fatty acids, substances that lead to damaging activity in regard to our bodies in general. Furthermore, certain forms of tumors, such as intestinal cancer, are directly correlated to the consumption of meat, while others, such as endometrial tumors, are linked to obesity. * We have to consider that the foods we ingest let a certain amount of soluble toxic substances dispersed in the environment into our bodies. These polluting substances are harmful if we breathe them in, but they are even more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves precisely in that position, because such substances in the atmosphere fall back to Earth, and hence, onto the grass that, when eaten by cattle, introduces harmful substances into their adipose deposits and therefore into their flesh, and finally, onto our plates. * It should be remembered that the pharmacologic treatment of raised farm animals can cause damage to the health of anyone who eats their meat. For example, the antibiotics that are legally added to animal feed—with the objective of preventing infections—can cause a resistance to antibiotics in humans. That is to say, a selection of bacterial strains resistant to antibiotics can be transmitted from animals to man through food; and can thereby generate infections difficult to stop (at times fatal, as with salmonella). * Fruit and vegetables, instead, are foods extremely low in fats and high in fiber: by easing the passage of ingested food, they reduce the time of contact between possible carcinogens—present in our daily diet—with the walls of the intestines. * A [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]] diet, by reason of its low content of saturated fatty acids, cholesterol, and animal proteins, and its high concentrations of folic acids, antioxidants, and phytoestrogens—shown to be effective in inhibiting the growth or in promoting the regression of serious coronary pathologies—constitutes a barrier against a number of chronic degenerative diseases, cancer among them. And that is not all. Fruits and vegetables—besides contaminating us much less than some other foods—are troves of precious substances that enable the neutralization of carcinogenic agents and that 'dilute' the concentration of diseased cells and reduce their proliferation. All of these advantages, as well as many others, emerged from studies on populations in the last century. * Prevention is within reach of everyone. And here are recommendations: abstain from smoking, eat less, eat mostly vegetarian foods, an active mind and body, and follow individually designed early diagnostic regimens. ===Interviews=== :'''<small>''[https://www.ok-salute.it/alimentazione/veronesi-una-regola-doro-mangiare-meno Veronesi: «Una regola d'oro, mangiare meno»]''|da ''OK salute e benessere'', 14 October 2009</small>''' *The risk of cancer is proportional to the amount of food you put in: more food, more risks. *Humans are primates, that is, they are modified monkeys, and they have retained their fundamental metabolic characteristics. Primates have been and are vegetarians [...]. *[...] the so-called Mediterranean diet, based on vegetables, fruit, and pasta, traditional for centuries in Italy, has proven effective in preventing cardiovascular disease, obesity, diabetes, and cancer. The return to a Mediterranean-style diet has contributed, together with more effective drugs, to a decrease in cardiovascular disease mortality. *The Mediterranean diet is the exact opposite of the consumerist attitude of our «fluent» society. Rather, it is a philosophy of life and eating behavior and essentially consists of eating little, parically, Franciscanly, trying above all to abandon the unnatural condition of omnivorous (and therefore also carnivorous) animals in favor of a return to our ancient anthropologically vegetarian history. :'''<small>From an interview by Dariio Cresto-Dina, ''[http://espresso.repubblica.it/visioni/scienze/2015/03/13/news/umberto-veronesi-essere-vegetariani-e-una-conquista-di-civilta-1.203888 Umberto Veronesi: "Essere vegetariani è una conquista di civiltà"]'', ''l'Espresso'', 19 March 2015</small>''' *I consider vegetarianism a cultural achievement and a sign of civilization. Vegetarians feel like citizens of the Earth, because they don't have to kill and massacre its inhabitants to meet their basic need for food. Vegetarian pride is similar to that felt by Greeks who belonged to the first philosophical schools, and in fact, convinced vegetarians, from [[Leonardo da Vinci]] to the [[Beatles]], have made their choice a banner, indicating a certain vision of the world: with less violence, less death, more conscience, and more sense of individual responsibility. *[[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was probably the first to also define vegetarianism as a necessity for the survival of humanity, linking personal food choices to the balance of the planet's resources. *[...] vegetarianism is a choice of respect for the environment and responsibility towards man's future. But above all it is a choice of love for life and for animals. I realize it's hard to think of the terrible pain animals suffer when eating meat: how can we imagine that that thin, well-cooked slice they present on our plate was just a few days earlier a calf scurrying through the meadows next to its mother? Even less easy is to visualize the torture he suffered in the slaughterhouse. *[...] I recommend to everyone the book that has now become the cult of vegetarianism: If Nothing Matters [...], in which the American author explains why she went from carnivore to vegetarian. The central theme is the violence perpetrated daily against farm animals and the reflection on the consequences that this terrible pain has on human life. :'''<small>From an interview by Dario Cresto-Dina, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cultura/2015/11/22/news/umberto_veronesi_io_non_ho_paura_-127906220/ Umberto Veronesi: "Io non ho paura"]'', ''repubblica.it'', 2 November 2015</small>''' *[Whether he would be willing to resort to euthanasia] Without the slightest hesitation. If an illness deprived me of my dignity as a person I would ask for euthanasia. I also made the living will that contains my wishes on the end of my life, in case I was unable to express them in person. *[If he ever had second thoughts about abandoning faith] Losing God forced me to seek moral values within myself. They are enough to give me strength. Ethical commitment is the only thing God left me. I have not had and will not have any second thoughts, but I have continued to study religions. *I consider death a biological duty and imperative. Since I was a boy I thought that life must end and has no metaphysical dimension. He who believes in the absolute finitude of life is always ready to die. There is no need to forgive or ask for forgiveness of sins or redeem oneself to ensure a good sojourn in the afterlife. If our ideas are our immortality, with our life of thought, every day we prepare to die. *[If you consider yourself a provocateur] I am not a provocateur unless by provoking you mean inducing a different view of things that is detached from the clichés and most popular positions. [...] You see, there's a double common thread that ties all my thought struggles together. The first is the need to shatter acquired legacies and truths to develop a system of ideas and values of one's own. The second is the belief that all phenomena have a cause and only by acting on the causes can even the most painful and tragic situations be resolved. This is also the meaning of my words about Is. Opposing violence to violence only fuels a spiral of blood, death, and fear. Exactly what the Is wants. Instead, it is necessary to understand the reasons for jihadist madness and intervene on these after having legitimized them, but decoded them. *[On his consideration of sex] Sex is a positive and indispensable vital expression. Besides being, I repeat, an imperative of DNA, which commands us to reproduce. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Veronesi, Umberto}} [[Category:1925 births]] [[Category:2016 deaths]] [[Category:Politicians from Italy]] [[Category:Medical scientists]] [[Category:Physicians from Italy]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:People from Milan]] [[Category:Social democrats]] ic00z8smisiflx66v3w6tux0gaq6cmp 3955052 3955051 2026-06-21T12:22:33Z ~2026-36122-84 3344224 /* Interviews */ 3955052 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Umberto Veronesi 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}]] '''{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}''' ([[28 November]] [[1925]] – [[8 November]] [[2016]]) was an [[Italy|Italian]] [[w:oncology|oncologist]] and [[politician]], internationally known for his contributions on prevention and treatment of {{w|breast cancer}} throughout a career spanning over fifty years. == Quotes == *In illness, pain for its own sake should never be accepted and should be countered by any means. Illness must increase, not decrease, respect for the individual's freedom, self-determination, and personality. :*''L'ombra e la luce'', p. 64. *A waiting list thousands of names long is ethically unacceptable. On the contrary, living transplantation is morally permissible, as well as meritorious, which today is also a simple and harmless surgical practice, just as the condition of those who find themselves living with only one kidney is practically risk-free. :* Giovanni Maria Pace, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2001/03/15/liste-attesa-troppo-lunghe-trapianti-di-rene.html Liste d'attesa troppo lunghe trapianti di rene tra viventi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 15 March 2001, p. 27. *A state law, the one on transplants, voted by a very large majority in the incumbent parliament, has been overturned by obtuse and irresponsible statements. Superficial statements dictated by ignorance of the issue that risk jeopardizing the work done so far to give thousands of sick citizens hope for life and to relieve their families of heavy daily anguish. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/online/spettacoli/celentano/veronesi/veronesi.html Veronesi contro Celentano "Uno schiaffo alle donazioni"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 28 April 2001. *It is too simplistic to believe that a child, in order to grow up in a balanced way, needs the presence of a father and mother of a different sex. No scientific research shows that being the children of homosexuals is dangerous to the acquisition of one's gender identity. The truth is that society needs time to adapt to change: just think of what happened 30 years ago to the children of separated people, who felt uncomfortable and tried to hide their reality. Now, however, being the children of separated people is almost normal. :*4 July 2006, quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20070726031645/http://www.gaynews.it/view.php?ID=38249 Gaynews.it]. *Our organism, like that of monkeys, is programmed precisely for the consumption of fruits, vegetables and legumes. A meat-free diet certainly wouldn't weaken us: think of the gorilla's physical power. And let's think about the newborn, who in the first few months quadruples his weight by feeding only on milk. Not only would a diet of fruits and vegetables be good for us, but it would serve precisely to keep diseases at bay. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *I am a committed vegetarian for ethical reasons (I don't want to satisfy my throat at the expense of the pain and death of other animals), but in making these statements I rely on more than established scientific reasons. We are surrounded by pollutants, which collective sensitivity now considers a risk to our lives. They are harmful substances if we breathe them in, but much more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves in precisely this situation, because from the atmosphere these substances fall back onto the ground, and therefore onto the grass which, eaten by livestock, accumulates in its fatty deposits, and finally arrives on our plate when we eat the meat. A toxic substance is more dangerous if ingested than if breathed in. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *Humanity risks a destructive ripple effect: depletion of energy, drinking water, and staple foods to satisfy unhealthy food consumption. Meat consumption has increased in China and India, just as it does not stop in the West. The numbers don't add up. Six billion inhabitants, three billion cattle for slaughter (every kilo of meat burns 20 thousand litres of water), 15 billion birds for food, production of fuels from cereals. There won't be any more food in a while. Wheat, soybeans, rice, corn are increasingly expensive and are going to fatten farm animals. We have to stop now. First step: becoming vegetarian, or almost. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2008/maggio/20/Tutti_vegetariani_battaglia_che_faro_co_9_080520097.shtml Tutti vegetariani. È la battaglia che farò in Senato]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 20 May 2008, p. 9. *I've been a vegetarian since I started choosing, and mine is a choice of love, philosophy, and science. Of love for animals and for life in all its forms, especially when it is helpless and cannot assert its desperate need to survive. No existence is small, none is insignificant. Eating is a form of celebration of life, and not denial of life itself to other living beings, because they are "inferior." There is no biological difference between animals. Why then is it horrifying to think of eating our dog, but we slaughter hundreds of lambs every Easter to celebrate? The philosophy of vegetarianism is nonviolence, and the violence to which animals for slaughter are subjected is brutal and cruel. :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *I am a vegetarian for ethical, not medical, reasons. Animals should be respected and not killed and then eaten. All animals. I am often asked why I chose to be a vegetarian. The first response is of an ethical nature. This is a choice I made a long time ago, because I firmly believe that men have no right to cause the suffering and death of other living beings. Animals experience emotions, pain, fear. What right do we have to snatch the lamb from the sheep to enjoy a leg of lamb, and the calf from the cow to have the "slices" that human mothers love so much for their children? I don't think mine are romantic ideas, without foundation. I still remember a shocking investigation into the real terror that grips the animals taken to the slaughterhouse, when they arrive near the slaughterhouse. Let's stop saying that animals "don't understand." :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *My commitment to [[vegetarianism]] has not only scientific and medical foundations, but also philosophical ones. Indeed, he was born in me as a child from love and respect for life in all its forms, especially when he cannot defend himself and assert his reasons. I have never endured the captivity of the farms and the cruelty of slaughter. Avoiding meat is a way to avoid the unnecessary suffering of animals. :*[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/08/sezioni/scienza_e_tecnologia/bistecca-artificiale/bistecca-veronesi/bistecca-veronesi.html?ref=search ''"Diventare vegetariani è meglio"''], ''la Repubblica'', 21 August 2008. *My law does not concern the subject of the permanent vegetative state in its entirety, but only the right of every citizen to reject this unnatural way of ending his life. Today, the decision on how and when to extend care is entirely in the hands of doctors, while instead it is the inalienable right of every citizen to decide whether to start or when to leave supportive treatment. [...] In the past there was a fear of dying prematurely. Today there is that of surviving beyond the natural limit of life, in an artificial condition, devoid of consciousness and life of relationship. [...] Those who have faith will choose to trust God. Or, still by faith, he will refuse treatments that could save him (blood transfusions for Jehovah's Witnesses). Those who have no faith will be able to rely on the powers of medical science or choose to set limits. :*''[http://www.corriere.it/cronache/08_novembre_13/pappagallo_testamento_biologico_a452abe4-b151-11dd-a7b7-00144f02aabc.shtml Testamento biologico, il medico può dire no]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 13 November 2008. *(Commenting on the Supreme Court ruling authorizing the interruption of treatment for [[w:Eluana Englaro|Eluana Englaro]]) The Supreme Court ruling does not sanction the victory of scientists, nor of lay people, nor of any political faction, but of citizens and the principles of the Constitution that protect their freedom. And once again, judges demonstrate their loyalty to the Constitution, and their intellectual independence from ideological pressures. Because precisely the rights of all citizens to individual freedom we are talking about. By "all" I mean believers and non-believers. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/10/sezioni/cronaca/eluana-eutanasia-3/comm-veronesi/comm-veronesi.html Non vince la scienza]'', ''la Repubblica'', 14 November 2008. *The very principle of the hospital must not revolve around the needs of the doctor but those of the patient. :*''Il Mattino'', 25 May 2009. *If you are a good conformist and respect the rules, no ideas come. :*From the interview by [[w:Fabio Fazio|Fabio Fazio]], ''[[w:Che tempo che fa|Che tempo che fa]]'', 31 October 2009. *I have become convinced that every religion expresses the need for a certain population at that historical moment. :*''Corriere della Sera'', 4 February 2010. *Science and faith cannot go together, because faith presupposes blind belief in something revealed in the past, a kind of legend that still persists today, without criticizing it, without the right to question mysteries and dogmas [...]. :*From the interview to [http://tg24.sky.it/tg24/cronaca/2010/02/04/umberto_veronesi_scienza_fede_10.html ''SKY TG24''], 4 February 2010. *Smoking is more deadly than [[alcohol]] and drugs: 50,000 deaths from lung cancer each year. Those who start at 15 risk cancer at 45. :*Quoted in ''City'', 20 April 2010, p. 2. *The philosopher [[Peter Singer|Singe]]r, who is one of the greatest advocates of animals, coined a term called "speciesism," which comes from racism. For centuries we have been anti-racist, but now we are starting to be anti-speciesist, that is, we don't want to, we don't think it's right for one species, the human one in particular, to take over and attack other species. This antispecism began to be an important philosophical movement and with the participation of many valuable philosophers. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *I created an institute, the European Institute of Oncology, where animals are not used. If you search everywhere, search the entire institute, you won't find a place where there are laboratory animals. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *Homosexual love is the purest love, unlike heterosexual love, which is instrumental to reproduction. :*''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/11_giugno_23/veronesi-amore-gay_cba482c8-9d92-11e0-b1a1-4623f252d3e7.shtml Veronesi difende i gay: «Quello omosessuale è l'amore più puro»]'', ''corriere.it'', 23 June 2011. *The true innovator is a big pain in the ass, he doesn't like anything and he has to change the rules, he has to change his habits, he has to redo an organization and we are often not prepared. :*From ''Un male curabile''; quoted in Equivita Scientific Committe, ''[http://www.equivita.it/index.php/it/12-comunicati/456-comunicato-150312 Vivisezione: gli ultimi fuochi di un paradigma morente]'', 15 March 2012. *The national health system has three flaws: the first is that it doesn't reward the quality of treatment; the second is that the national health system doesn't address [[prevention]]; and the other is that there's too much political infiltration, that's all. [...] I created the most advanced national system [...] in the world, not for quality, but for accessibility. Private healthcare has the problem that someone gains on the diseases of others, which is not something ethically very appreciable. Therefore this institute [the IEO], for example, has opened a new path: a private non-profit hospital, which therefore obliges us by statute to reinvest everything in research. We can't keep anything. [...] donors, who are also members of the board of directors, cannot take, withdraw anything. :*From an interview by Alberto Nerazzini, ''[http://www.rai.it/dl/docs/1368382655481doutdes2_report.pdf Do ut des 2]'', ''rai.it'', 2013. *Eating meat increases your chances of running into many serious conditions (some potentially fatal). I'm convinced it's impossible to count the number of problems we could avoid if we consumed less meat... On the contrary, plant-based foods have a protective function against the action of free radicals, that is, those molecules that can irreparably damage the structure of cells and their DNA: we often hear about them, «free radicals» is a term that has entered common parlance, yet we struggle to accept that to combat them we must adopt a vegetarian diet. Scandalous amounts are spent on antioxidant supplements that would combat aging and oxidation, when the best and most effective system would be to eat sensibly! :*''La dieta del digiuno'', Mondadori, Milano, 2013, pp. [https://books.google.it/books?id=gM5dEOtOqcgC&pg=PT21 21]-22. ISBN 9788852035647. *The commitment of a medical class more sensitive to human aspects is necessary, which must care not only about the body, but also about the mind. The mind is the place where medicine is perceived. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2013/aprile/07/Informazioni_dignita_Sui_diritti_del_co_0_20130407_18ed7df2-9f47-11e2-aaa1-67707bdac44a.shtml Informazioni e dignità. Sui diritti del malato ancora molto da fare]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 April 2013. *[The government is rowing] against e-cigarettes, with an incredible 58 percent tax rate that has caused many producers to disappear [...] [while thanks to e-cigarettes] 30,000 people could be saved a year in Italy alone. [...] Of course, the state makes more money from traditional cigarettes, it profits from this tragedy, but then it is forced to spend three billion every year to treat the 50,000 cancers that develop in Italy due to smoking. :* Carlo Brambilla, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2013/11/06/la-sigaretta-elettronica-promossa-dagli-scienziati-salva.html La sigaretta elettronica promossa dagli scienziati salva 30mila persone l'anno]'', ''la Repubblica'', 6 November 2013. *I would like to see the debate for the liberalisation of soft drugs reopened in Italy too. The time has come to overcome ideological barriers and admit that prohibition does not serve to reduce consumption. The Constitutional Court's ruling, declaring the Fini-Giovanardi law unconstitutional, demonstrates, once again, the more civilly advanced view of our judges compared to Parliament. With the rejection of the law, which equated hard and soft drugs and provided for sentences of up to 20 years in prison, it was estimated that sentences for 10,000 inmates would have to be reviewed because they were related to the use of soft drugs, and therefore for minor crimes. This is a huge number, corresponding to almost half of all drug inmates, approximately 40% of prisoners overall. Now, it is estimated that about 50% of our young people use cannabis, in addition to many adults. Does this mean that half of young Italians are criminals? If that were the case, there would be all the more reason to consider Fini-Giovanardi a total failure. Putting soft and hard drugs on the same level is unscientific. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/la-repubblica-delle-idee/polis/2014/02/20/news/l_appello_di_veronesi_liberalizzare_la_cannabis-79134131/?ref=search L'appello di Veronesi: liberalizzare la cannabis]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 20 February 2014. *[...] now faced with increased infertility, both male and female, and procreation that is increasingly advanced over the years, we must find solutions. And the simplest is medically assisted procreation. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015) :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015; also quoted in [http://www.adnkronos.com/salute/2015/03/17/veronesi-non-esistono-bimbi-sintetici-gay-possono-essere-bravissimi-genitori_m9jQz4LlVPoWshMv2f0RoJ.html ''Veronesi, non esistono bimbi sintetici e gay possono essere bravissimi genitori''], ''Adnkronos.com'', 17 March 2015. *If a person has a loving drive for their children, whether they are genetically his or not, it is very legitimate, whether they are gay or single couples. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015). :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015. *Many will want to know if in this reflection of mine, and study, and commit myself incessantly to so many causes I have found the meaning of life. Yes, I have an answer: life perhaps has no meaning. But that's exactly why we spend our lives looking for one. The important thing is not to know, but to seek. :*From the web-show ''The Innovation Game''; citato in ''[http://www.repubblica.it/next/2015/07/10/news/la_fabbrica_dell_innovazione-118785138/ La fabbrica dell'innovazione]'', ''repubblica.it'', 10 July 2015. *Getting a child used to adopting a vegetarian diet from weaning [...] means giving him an indisputable health advantage, because it provides him with a strong and long-lasting defense against many diseases of adulthood. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *Eliminating animal fats is always a lifesaver. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *I am against the idea of waging war on the Islamic State, because violence calls violence. The more they cut off heads, the more we bomb: someone must stop this chain of action and reaction and must do so with dialogue and religious tolerance. The Is must be heard. Rather, a peacemaking effort must be made by those who consider themselves civilized, against irrationality. ISIS is made up of a group of Sunnis who feel marginalized in Iraq and have created a very extremist movement, effectively because they want a homeland and are calling on Iraq to cede a small area, no larger than Lombardy, to create the Islamic state. In practice, it is a group that has been divided by artificial boundaries for many years. The IS must be listened to, its reasons must be understood, because like other minorities in Europe and around the world it calls for a homeland. :*''Adnkronos'', citato in ''[http://www.direttanews.it/2015/11/14/veronesi-non-dobbiamo-combattere-lisis/ Veronesi: "Non dobbiamo combattere l'Isis"]'', ''Direttanews.it'', 14 November 2015. *After Auschwitz, cancer is proof that [[existence of God|God does not exist]]. :*''[http://www.ilfattoquotidiano.it/2014/11/18/antonino-zichichi-umberto-veronesi-dio-esiste-prova-luniverso/1218469/ Antonino Zichichi a Umberto Veronesi: "Dio esiste e la prova è l'universo"]'', ''Il Fatto Quotidiano.it'', 18 November 2015. *Milanese people are productive, with a profound ethical vision of work, a strong sense of social justice, the transmission of well-being to future generations, and with total respect for civilization, rights, tolerance, and solidarity. :*From an interview by Elisabetta Soglio, ''[http://milano.corriere.it/notizie/politica/16_gennaio_11/veronesi-sala-vero-civil-servant-continuera-quanto-fatto-pisapia-237f7bbc-b84e-11e5-8210-122afbd965bb.shtml Veronesi: «Sala vero civil servant, continuerà quanto fatto da Pisapia»]'', ''Corriere.it'', 11 January 2016. === ''The First Day Without Cancer'' (2013) === :<small>''[https://books.google.it/books?id=Maf0AQAAQBAJ&pg=PT0 The First Day Without Cancer: The Battles We Have Won, and Those We Will Win]'', originally published as ''Il primo giorno senza cancro'', translated by Hidoko Fudemoto, New York: Open Road, 2013. {{ISBN|978-1-4804-4290-0}}</small> * We have reached the conclusion that what we eat is responsible for a large number of tumors, and that certain foods trigger [[cancer]] while others have a protective value. [[Meat]] and its derivatives figure among carcinogenic foods of the intestines. Meat, in fact, is particularly rich in saturated fatty acids, substances that lead to damaging activity in regard to our bodies in general. Furthermore, certain forms of tumors, such as intestinal cancer, are directly correlated to the consumption of meat, while others, such as endometrial tumors, are linked to obesity. * We have to consider that the foods we ingest let a certain amount of soluble toxic substances dispersed in the environment into our bodies. These polluting substances are harmful if we breathe them in, but they are even more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves precisely in that position, because such substances in the atmosphere fall back to Earth, and hence, onto the grass that, when eaten by cattle, introduces harmful substances into their adipose deposits and therefore into their flesh, and finally, onto our plates. * It should be remembered that the pharmacologic treatment of raised farm animals can cause damage to the health of anyone who eats their meat. For example, the antibiotics that are legally added to animal feed—with the objective of preventing infections—can cause a resistance to antibiotics in humans. That is to say, a selection of bacterial strains resistant to antibiotics can be transmitted from animals to man through food; and can thereby generate infections difficult to stop (at times fatal, as with salmonella). * Fruit and vegetables, instead, are foods extremely low in fats and high in fiber: by easing the passage of ingested food, they reduce the time of contact between possible carcinogens—present in our daily diet—with the walls of the intestines. * A [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]] diet, by reason of its low content of saturated fatty acids, cholesterol, and animal proteins, and its high concentrations of folic acids, antioxidants, and phytoestrogens—shown to be effective in inhibiting the growth or in promoting the regression of serious coronary pathologies—constitutes a barrier against a number of chronic degenerative diseases, cancer among them. And that is not all. Fruits and vegetables—besides contaminating us much less than some other foods—are troves of precious substances that enable the neutralization of carcinogenic agents and that 'dilute' the concentration of diseased cells and reduce their proliferation. All of these advantages, as well as many others, emerged from studies on populations in the last century. * Prevention is within reach of everyone. And here are recommendations: abstain from smoking, eat less, eat mostly vegetarian foods, an active mind and body, and follow individually designed early diagnostic regimens. ===Interviews=== :'''<small>''[https://www.ok-salute.it/alimentazione/veronesi-una-regola-doro-mangiare-meno Veronesi: «Una regola d'oro, mangiare meno»]'', ''OK salute e benessere'', 14 October 2009</small>''' *The risk of cancer is proportional to the amount of food you put in: more food, more risks. *Humans are primates, that is, they are modified monkeys, and they have retained their fundamental metabolic characteristics. Primates have been and are vegetarians [...]. *[...] the so-called Mediterranean diet, based on vegetables, fruit, and pasta, traditional for centuries in Italy, has proven effective in preventing cardiovascular disease, obesity, diabetes, and cancer. The return to a Mediterranean-style diet has contributed, together with more effective drugs, to a decrease in cardiovascular disease mortality. *The Mediterranean diet is the exact opposite of the consumerist attitude of our «fluent» society. Rather, it is a philosophy of life and eating behavior and essentially consists of eating little, parically, Franciscanly, trying above all to abandon the unnatural condition of omnivorous (and therefore also carnivorous) animals in favor of a return to our ancient anthropologically vegetarian history. :'''<small>From an interview by Dariio Cresto-Dina, ''[http://espresso.repubblica.it/visioni/scienze/2015/03/13/news/umberto-veronesi-essere-vegetariani-e-una-conquista-di-civilta-1.203888 Umberto Veronesi: "Essere vegetariani è una conquista di civiltà"]'', ''l'Espresso'', 19 March 2015</small>''' *I consider vegetarianism a cultural achievement and a sign of civilization. Vegetarians feel like citizens of the Earth, because they don't have to kill and massacre its inhabitants to meet their basic need for food. Vegetarian pride is similar to that felt by Greeks who belonged to the first philosophical schools, and in fact, convinced vegetarians, from [[Leonardo da Vinci]] to the [[Beatles]], have made their choice a banner, indicating a certain vision of the world: with less violence, less death, more conscience, and more sense of individual responsibility. *[[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was probably the first to also define vegetarianism as a necessity for the survival of humanity, linking personal food choices to the balance of the planet's resources. *[...] vegetarianism is a choice of respect for the environment and responsibility towards man's future. But above all it is a choice of love for life and for animals. I realize it's hard to think of the terrible pain animals suffer when eating meat: how can we imagine that that thin, well-cooked slice they present on our plate was just a few days earlier a calf scurrying through the meadows next to its mother? Even less easy is to visualize the torture he suffered in the slaughterhouse. *[...] I recommend to everyone the book that has now become the cult of vegetarianism: If Nothing Matters [...], in which the American author explains why she went from carnivore to vegetarian. The central theme is the violence perpetrated daily against farm animals and the reflection on the consequences that this terrible pain has on human life. :'''<small>From an interview by Dario Cresto-Dina, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cultura/2015/11/22/news/umberto_veronesi_io_non_ho_paura_-127906220/ Umberto Veronesi: "Io non ho paura"]'', ''repubblica.it'', 2 November 2015</small>''' *[Whether he would be willing to resort to euthanasia] Without the slightest hesitation. If an illness deprived me of my dignity as a person I would ask for euthanasia. I also made the living will that contains my wishes on the end of my life, in case I was unable to express them in person. *[If he ever had second thoughts about abandoning faith] Losing God forced me to seek moral values within myself. They are enough to give me strength. Ethical commitment is the only thing God left me. I have not had and will not have any second thoughts, but I have continued to study religions. *I consider death a biological duty and imperative. Since I was a boy I thought that life must end and has no metaphysical dimension. He who believes in the absolute finitude of life is always ready to die. There is no need to forgive or ask for forgiveness of sins or redeem oneself to ensure a good sojourn in the afterlife. If our ideas are our immortality, with our life of thought, every day we prepare to die. *[If you consider yourself a provocateur] I am not a provocateur unless by provoking you mean inducing a different view of things that is detached from the clichés and most popular positions. [...] You see, there's a double common thread that ties all my thought struggles together. The first is the need to shatter acquired legacies and truths to develop a system of ideas and values of one's own. The second is the belief that all phenomena have a cause and only by acting on the causes can even the most painful and tragic situations be resolved. This is also the meaning of my words about Is. Opposing violence to violence only fuels a spiral of blood, death, and fear. Exactly what the Is wants. Instead, it is necessary to understand the reasons for jihadist madness and intervene on these after having legitimized them, but decoded them. *[On his consideration of sex] Sex is a positive and indispensable vital expression. Besides being, I repeat, an imperative of DNA, which commands us to reproduce. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Veronesi, Umberto}} [[Category:1925 births]] [[Category:2016 deaths]] [[Category:Politicians from Italy]] [[Category:Medical scientists]] [[Category:Physicians from Italy]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:People from Milan]] [[Category:Social democrats]] dd5b6z7ae1dpsya07u36cfov7tl10xe 3955054 3955052 2026-06-21T12:31:07Z ~2026-36122-84 3344224 /* The First Day Without Cancer (2013) */ books 3955054 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Umberto Veronesi 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}]] '''{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}''' ([[28 November]] [[1925]] – [[8 November]] [[2016]]) was an [[Italy|Italian]] [[w:oncology|oncologist]] and [[politician]], internationally known for his contributions on prevention and treatment of {{w|breast cancer}} throughout a career spanning over fifty years. == Quotes == *In illness, pain for its own sake should never be accepted and should be countered by any means. Illness must increase, not decrease, respect for the individual's freedom, self-determination, and personality. :*''L'ombra e la luce'', p. 64. *A waiting list thousands of names long is ethically unacceptable. On the contrary, living transplantation is morally permissible, as well as meritorious, which today is also a simple and harmless surgical practice, just as the condition of those who find themselves living with only one kidney is practically risk-free. :* Giovanni Maria Pace, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2001/03/15/liste-attesa-troppo-lunghe-trapianti-di-rene.html Liste d'attesa troppo lunghe trapianti di rene tra viventi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 15 March 2001, p. 27. *A state law, the one on transplants, voted by a very large majority in the incumbent parliament, has been overturned by obtuse and irresponsible statements. Superficial statements dictated by ignorance of the issue that risk jeopardizing the work done so far to give thousands of sick citizens hope for life and to relieve their families of heavy daily anguish. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/online/spettacoli/celentano/veronesi/veronesi.html Veronesi contro Celentano "Uno schiaffo alle donazioni"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 28 April 2001. *It is too simplistic to believe that a child, in order to grow up in a balanced way, needs the presence of a father and mother of a different sex. No scientific research shows that being the children of homosexuals is dangerous to the acquisition of one's gender identity. The truth is that society needs time to adapt to change: just think of what happened 30 years ago to the children of separated people, who felt uncomfortable and tried to hide their reality. Now, however, being the children of separated people is almost normal. :*4 July 2006, quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20070726031645/http://www.gaynews.it/view.php?ID=38249 Gaynews.it]. *Our organism, like that of monkeys, is programmed precisely for the consumption of fruits, vegetables and legumes. A meat-free diet certainly wouldn't weaken us: think of the gorilla's physical power. And let's think about the newborn, who in the first few months quadruples his weight by feeding only on milk. Not only would a diet of fruits and vegetables be good for us, but it would serve precisely to keep diseases at bay. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *I am a committed vegetarian for ethical reasons (I don't want to satisfy my throat at the expense of the pain and death of other animals), but in making these statements I rely on more than established scientific reasons. We are surrounded by pollutants, which collective sensitivity now considers a risk to our lives. They are harmful substances if we breathe them in, but much more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves in precisely this situation, because from the atmosphere these substances fall back onto the ground, and therefore onto the grass which, eaten by livestock, accumulates in its fatty deposits, and finally arrives on our plate when we eat the meat. A toxic substance is more dangerous if ingested than if breathed in. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *Humanity risks a destructive ripple effect: depletion of energy, drinking water, and staple foods to satisfy unhealthy food consumption. Meat consumption has increased in China and India, just as it does not stop in the West. The numbers don't add up. Six billion inhabitants, three billion cattle for slaughter (every kilo of meat burns 20 thousand litres of water), 15 billion birds for food, production of fuels from cereals. There won't be any more food in a while. Wheat, soybeans, rice, corn are increasingly expensive and are going to fatten farm animals. We have to stop now. First step: becoming vegetarian, or almost. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2008/maggio/20/Tutti_vegetariani_battaglia_che_faro_co_9_080520097.shtml Tutti vegetariani. È la battaglia che farò in Senato]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 20 May 2008, p. 9. *I've been a vegetarian since I started choosing, and mine is a choice of love, philosophy, and science. Of love for animals and for life in all its forms, especially when it is helpless and cannot assert its desperate need to survive. No existence is small, none is insignificant. Eating is a form of celebration of life, and not denial of life itself to other living beings, because they are "inferior." There is no biological difference between animals. Why then is it horrifying to think of eating our dog, but we slaughter hundreds of lambs every Easter to celebrate? The philosophy of vegetarianism is nonviolence, and the violence to which animals for slaughter are subjected is brutal and cruel. :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *I am a vegetarian for ethical, not medical, reasons. Animals should be respected and not killed and then eaten. All animals. I am often asked why I chose to be a vegetarian. The first response is of an ethical nature. This is a choice I made a long time ago, because I firmly believe that men have no right to cause the suffering and death of other living beings. Animals experience emotions, pain, fear. What right do we have to snatch the lamb from the sheep to enjoy a leg of lamb, and the calf from the cow to have the "slices" that human mothers love so much for their children? I don't think mine are romantic ideas, without foundation. I still remember a shocking investigation into the real terror that grips the animals taken to the slaughterhouse, when they arrive near the slaughterhouse. Let's stop saying that animals "don't understand." :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *My commitment to [[vegetarianism]] has not only scientific and medical foundations, but also philosophical ones. Indeed, he was born in me as a child from love and respect for life in all its forms, especially when he cannot defend himself and assert his reasons. I have never endured the captivity of the farms and the cruelty of slaughter. Avoiding meat is a way to avoid the unnecessary suffering of animals. :*[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/08/sezioni/scienza_e_tecnologia/bistecca-artificiale/bistecca-veronesi/bistecca-veronesi.html?ref=search ''"Diventare vegetariani è meglio"''], ''la Repubblica'', 21 August 2008. *My law does not concern the subject of the permanent vegetative state in its entirety, but only the right of every citizen to reject this unnatural way of ending his life. Today, the decision on how and when to extend care is entirely in the hands of doctors, while instead it is the inalienable right of every citizen to decide whether to start or when to leave supportive treatment. [...] In the past there was a fear of dying prematurely. Today there is that of surviving beyond the natural limit of life, in an artificial condition, devoid of consciousness and life of relationship. [...] Those who have faith will choose to trust God. Or, still by faith, he will refuse treatments that could save him (blood transfusions for Jehovah's Witnesses). Those who have no faith will be able to rely on the powers of medical science or choose to set limits. :*''[http://www.corriere.it/cronache/08_novembre_13/pappagallo_testamento_biologico_a452abe4-b151-11dd-a7b7-00144f02aabc.shtml Testamento biologico, il medico può dire no]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 13 November 2008. *(Commenting on the Supreme Court ruling authorizing the interruption of treatment for [[w:Eluana Englaro|Eluana Englaro]]) The Supreme Court ruling does not sanction the victory of scientists, nor of lay people, nor of any political faction, but of citizens and the principles of the Constitution that protect their freedom. And once again, judges demonstrate their loyalty to the Constitution, and their intellectual independence from ideological pressures. Because precisely the rights of all citizens to individual freedom we are talking about. By "all" I mean believers and non-believers. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/10/sezioni/cronaca/eluana-eutanasia-3/comm-veronesi/comm-veronesi.html Non vince la scienza]'', ''la Repubblica'', 14 November 2008. *The very principle of the hospital must not revolve around the needs of the doctor but those of the patient. :*''Il Mattino'', 25 May 2009. *If you are a good conformist and respect the rules, no ideas come. :*From the interview by [[w:Fabio Fazio|Fabio Fazio]], ''[[w:Che tempo che fa|Che tempo che fa]]'', 31 October 2009. *I have become convinced that every religion expresses the need for a certain population at that historical moment. :*''Corriere della Sera'', 4 February 2010. *Science and faith cannot go together, because faith presupposes blind belief in something revealed in the past, a kind of legend that still persists today, without criticizing it, without the right to question mysteries and dogmas [...]. :*From the interview to [http://tg24.sky.it/tg24/cronaca/2010/02/04/umberto_veronesi_scienza_fede_10.html ''SKY TG24''], 4 February 2010. *Smoking is more deadly than [[alcohol]] and drugs: 50,000 deaths from lung cancer each year. Those who start at 15 risk cancer at 45. :*Quoted in ''City'', 20 April 2010, p. 2. *The philosopher [[Peter Singer|Singe]]r, who is one of the greatest advocates of animals, coined a term called "speciesism," which comes from racism. For centuries we have been anti-racist, but now we are starting to be anti-speciesist, that is, we don't want to, we don't think it's right for one species, the human one in particular, to take over and attack other species. This antispecism began to be an important philosophical movement and with the participation of many valuable philosophers. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *I created an institute, the European Institute of Oncology, where animals are not used. If you search everywhere, search the entire institute, you won't find a place where there are laboratory animals. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *Homosexual love is the purest love, unlike heterosexual love, which is instrumental to reproduction. :*''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/11_giugno_23/veronesi-amore-gay_cba482c8-9d92-11e0-b1a1-4623f252d3e7.shtml Veronesi difende i gay: «Quello omosessuale è l'amore più puro»]'', ''corriere.it'', 23 June 2011. *The true innovator is a big pain in the ass, he doesn't like anything and he has to change the rules, he has to change his habits, he has to redo an organization and we are often not prepared. :*From ''Un male curabile''; quoted in Equivita Scientific Committe, ''[http://www.equivita.it/index.php/it/12-comunicati/456-comunicato-150312 Vivisezione: gli ultimi fuochi di un paradigma morente]'', 15 March 2012. *The national health system has three flaws: the first is that it doesn't reward the quality of treatment; the second is that the national health system doesn't address [[prevention]]; and the other is that there's too much political infiltration, that's all. [...] I created the most advanced national system [...] in the world, not for quality, but for accessibility. Private healthcare has the problem that someone gains on the diseases of others, which is not something ethically very appreciable. Therefore this institute [the IEO], for example, has opened a new path: a private non-profit hospital, which therefore obliges us by statute to reinvest everything in research. We can't keep anything. [...] donors, who are also members of the board of directors, cannot take, withdraw anything. :*From an interview by Alberto Nerazzini, ''[http://www.rai.it/dl/docs/1368382655481doutdes2_report.pdf Do ut des 2]'', ''rai.it'', 2013. *Eating meat increases your chances of running into many serious conditions (some potentially fatal). I'm convinced it's impossible to count the number of problems we could avoid if we consumed less meat... On the contrary, plant-based foods have a protective function against the action of free radicals, that is, those molecules that can irreparably damage the structure of cells and their DNA: we often hear about them, «free radicals» is a term that has entered common parlance, yet we struggle to accept that to combat them we must adopt a vegetarian diet. Scandalous amounts are spent on antioxidant supplements that would combat aging and oxidation, when the best and most effective system would be to eat sensibly! :*''La dieta del digiuno'', Mondadori, Milano, 2013, pp. [https://books.google.it/books?id=gM5dEOtOqcgC&pg=PT21 21]-22. ISBN 9788852035647. *The commitment of a medical class more sensitive to human aspects is necessary, which must care not only about the body, but also about the mind. The mind is the place where medicine is perceived. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2013/aprile/07/Informazioni_dignita_Sui_diritti_del_co_0_20130407_18ed7df2-9f47-11e2-aaa1-67707bdac44a.shtml Informazioni e dignità. Sui diritti del malato ancora molto da fare]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 April 2013. *[The government is rowing] against e-cigarettes, with an incredible 58 percent tax rate that has caused many producers to disappear [...] [while thanks to e-cigarettes] 30,000 people could be saved a year in Italy alone. [...] Of course, the state makes more money from traditional cigarettes, it profits from this tragedy, but then it is forced to spend three billion every year to treat the 50,000 cancers that develop in Italy due to smoking. :* Carlo Brambilla, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2013/11/06/la-sigaretta-elettronica-promossa-dagli-scienziati-salva.html La sigaretta elettronica promossa dagli scienziati salva 30mila persone l'anno]'', ''la Repubblica'', 6 November 2013. *I would like to see the debate for the liberalisation of soft drugs reopened in Italy too. The time has come to overcome ideological barriers and admit that prohibition does not serve to reduce consumption. The Constitutional Court's ruling, declaring the Fini-Giovanardi law unconstitutional, demonstrates, once again, the more civilly advanced view of our judges compared to Parliament. With the rejection of the law, which equated hard and soft drugs and provided for sentences of up to 20 years in prison, it was estimated that sentences for 10,000 inmates would have to be reviewed because they were related to the use of soft drugs, and therefore for minor crimes. This is a huge number, corresponding to almost half of all drug inmates, approximately 40% of prisoners overall. Now, it is estimated that about 50% of our young people use cannabis, in addition to many adults. Does this mean that half of young Italians are criminals? If that were the case, there would be all the more reason to consider Fini-Giovanardi a total failure. Putting soft and hard drugs on the same level is unscientific. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/la-repubblica-delle-idee/polis/2014/02/20/news/l_appello_di_veronesi_liberalizzare_la_cannabis-79134131/?ref=search L'appello di Veronesi: liberalizzare la cannabis]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 20 February 2014. *[...] now faced with increased infertility, both male and female, and procreation that is increasingly advanced over the years, we must find solutions. And the simplest is medically assisted procreation. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015) :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015; also quoted in [http://www.adnkronos.com/salute/2015/03/17/veronesi-non-esistono-bimbi-sintetici-gay-possono-essere-bravissimi-genitori_m9jQz4LlVPoWshMv2f0RoJ.html ''Veronesi, non esistono bimbi sintetici e gay possono essere bravissimi genitori''], ''Adnkronos.com'', 17 March 2015. *If a person has a loving drive for their children, whether they are genetically his or not, it is very legitimate, whether they are gay or single couples. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015). :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015. *Many will want to know if in this reflection of mine, and study, and commit myself incessantly to so many causes I have found the meaning of life. Yes, I have an answer: life perhaps has no meaning. But that's exactly why we spend our lives looking for one. The important thing is not to know, but to seek. :*From the web-show ''The Innovation Game''; citato in ''[http://www.repubblica.it/next/2015/07/10/news/la_fabbrica_dell_innovazione-118785138/ La fabbrica dell'innovazione]'', ''repubblica.it'', 10 July 2015. *Getting a child used to adopting a vegetarian diet from weaning [...] means giving him an indisputable health advantage, because it provides him with a strong and long-lasting defense against many diseases of adulthood. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *Eliminating animal fats is always a lifesaver. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *I am against the idea of waging war on the Islamic State, because violence calls violence. The more they cut off heads, the more we bomb: someone must stop this chain of action and reaction and must do so with dialogue and religious tolerance. The Is must be heard. Rather, a peacemaking effort must be made by those who consider themselves civilized, against irrationality. ISIS is made up of a group of Sunnis who feel marginalized in Iraq and have created a very extremist movement, effectively because they want a homeland and are calling on Iraq to cede a small area, no larger than Lombardy, to create the Islamic state. In practice, it is a group that has been divided by artificial boundaries for many years. The IS must be listened to, its reasons must be understood, because like other minorities in Europe and around the world it calls for a homeland. :*''Adnkronos'', citato in ''[http://www.direttanews.it/2015/11/14/veronesi-non-dobbiamo-combattere-lisis/ Veronesi: "Non dobbiamo combattere l'Isis"]'', ''Direttanews.it'', 14 November 2015. *After Auschwitz, cancer is proof that [[existence of God|God does not exist]]. :*''[http://www.ilfattoquotidiano.it/2014/11/18/antonino-zichichi-umberto-veronesi-dio-esiste-prova-luniverso/1218469/ Antonino Zichichi a Umberto Veronesi: "Dio esiste e la prova è l'universo"]'', ''Il Fatto Quotidiano.it'', 18 November 2015. *Milanese people are productive, with a profound ethical vision of work, a strong sense of social justice, the transmission of well-being to future generations, and with total respect for civilization, rights, tolerance, and solidarity. :*From an interview by Elisabetta Soglio, ''[http://milano.corriere.it/notizie/politica/16_gennaio_11/veronesi-sala-vero-civil-servant-continuera-quanto-fatto-pisapia-237f7bbc-b84e-11e5-8210-122afbd965bb.shtml Veronesi: «Sala vero civil servant, continuerà quanto fatto da Pisapia»]'', ''Corriere.it'', 11 January 2016. === ''The First Day Without Cancer'' (2013) === :<small>''[https://books.google.it/books?id=Maf0AQAAQBAJ&pg=PT0 The First Day Without Cancer: The Battles We Have Won, and Those We Will Win]'', originally published as ''Il primo giorno senza cancro'', translated by Hidoko Fudemoto, New York: Open Road, 2013. {{ISBN|978-1-4804-4290-0}}</small> * We have reached the conclusion that what we eat is responsible for a large number of tumors, and that certain foods trigger [[cancer]] while others have a protective value. [[Meat]] and its derivatives figure among carcinogenic foods of the intestines. Meat, in fact, is particularly rich in saturated fatty acids, substances that lead to damaging activity in regard to our bodies in general. Furthermore, certain forms of tumors, such as intestinal cancer, are directly correlated to the consumption of meat, while others, such as endometrial tumors, are linked to obesity. * We have to consider that the foods we ingest let a certain amount of soluble toxic substances dispersed in the environment into our bodies. These polluting substances are harmful if we breathe them in, but they are even more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves precisely in that position, because such substances in the atmosphere fall back to Earth, and hence, onto the grass that, when eaten by cattle, introduces harmful substances into their adipose deposits and therefore into their flesh, and finally, onto our plates. * It should be remembered that the pharmacologic treatment of raised farm animals can cause damage to the health of anyone who eats their meat. For example, the antibiotics that are legally added to animal feed—with the objective of preventing infections—can cause a resistance to antibiotics in humans. That is to say, a selection of bacterial strains resistant to antibiotics can be transmitted from animals to man through food; and can thereby generate infections difficult to stop (at times fatal, as with salmonella). * Fruit and vegetables, instead, are foods extremely low in fats and high in fiber: by easing the passage of ingested food, they reduce the time of contact between possible carcinogens—present in our daily diet—with the walls of the intestines. * A [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]] diet, by reason of its low content of saturated fatty acids, cholesterol, and animal proteins, and its high concentrations of folic acids, antioxidants, and phytoestrogens—shown to be effective in inhibiting the growth or in promoting the regression of serious coronary pathologies—constitutes a barrier against a number of chronic degenerative diseases, cancer among them. And that is not all. Fruits and vegetables—besides contaminating us much less than some other foods—are troves of precious substances that enable the neutralization of carcinogenic agents and that 'dilute' the concentration of diseased cells and reduce their proliferation. All of these advantages, as well as many others, emerged from studies on populations in the last century. * Prevention is within reach of everyone. And here are recommendations: abstain from smoking, eat less, eat mostly vegetarian foods, an active mind and body, and follow individually designed early diagnostic regimens. ==''Da bambino avevo un sogno''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi, ''Da bambino avevo un sogno: Tra ricerca e cura, la mia lotta al tumore'', Mondadori, Milano, 2002. ISBN 88-04-51036-6</small> *Every man is free to choose his own destiny and also to decide to end his own life, if the suffering becomes intolerable to the point of reducing the level of human dignity below the threshold of acceptability. (p. 118) *But I am even more convinced that, in order not to achieve euthanasia, whether passive or active, there is a fundamental goal to achieve: preventing the desire for death by doing everything possible to ensure that the patient, especially the terminally ill, does not reach such a state of suffering. *If it is treated well, the patient hardly asks to die. If he is cared for with affection, with love, without pain, he will not ask for a good death. (p. 119) *Experience has taught me that man, when he wishes to reach a goal, finds unthinkable resources within himself. (p. 219) ==''Dell'amore e del dolore delle donne''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi, ''Dell'amore e del dolore delle donne'', Einaudi, Torino, 2010. ISBN 978-88-06-20133-3</small> ===[[w:Incipit|Incipit]]=== «Even as a child, I sensed that that very singular smile represented a strange, small victory for every woman. Yes, an ephemeral revenge on dashed hopes, on the coarseness of men, on the rarity, in this world, of beautiful and true things. If I had known then, I would have called that way of smiling "femininity"». It is the incipit of a beautiful book by [[w:Andreï Makine|Andreï Makine]], The French Testament, and could be for many men the description of one of the most intense memories each carries within: a woman's smile. For me, my mother's. ===Quotes=== *Sex is everywhere today: on the front pages of newspapers, on magazine covers, in advertisements, online, on all television channels. There is an ostentation, almost an obsession, which hides a fearsome void in my opinion. It is as if in the era following sexual liberation, after years of cultural struggles against obscurantism, sex was by no means a natural integration of male-female relationships. On the contrary, it returns to being the symbol of transgression, and intrigues only if it is forbidden, exaggerated, maniacal, magical, or even virtual. And from here to becoming an instrument of blackmail and violence, the step is short. The reason for this situation is first and foremost biological, and it is the price of equality between the sexes, an achievement that attenuates gender differences and weakens the spontaneous attraction that ignites sexual desire. (p. 53) *([[Margherita Hack]]) She is the icon of free thought and nonconformism [...]. (p. 70) *Yet I am against abortion. We all are, I believe: there is no person who is not ideally opposed to terminating a pregnancy, because it is an act against nature (in the sense that it opposes the genetic imperative of reproduction [...]) and because it produces traumatic consequences from a psychological point of view. But condemning abortion with a law, making it illegal, does not prevent abortions from happening. [...] Voluntary abortion is a serious event, but clandestine abortion is a tragedy: therefore, offering a woman the opportunity to have a legal and controlled abortion corresponds to the choice of the «lesser evil». And so, within this lesser evil, the RU486 pill method –which I have supported since the first mentions of the possibility of its introduction in Italy– is the best choice, because it is the least painful for women. (pp. 98-99) *[We doctors] Wear the mask of conviviality on our faces –to reassure, encourage, give hope– and carry within us the nihilism of the helpless witness in the face of tragedy. (p. 104) ==''Essere laico''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi and [[Alain Elkann]], ''Essere laico'', Bompiani, Milano, 2007. ISBN 88-452-5953-6 ([http://books.google.it/books?id=eH5YzyXlnc4C&printsec=frontcover&hl=it#v=onepage&q&f=false Preview on Google Books])</small> *Children are immortality. Children will have more children and therefore life never ends. Our body dies, but our DNA continues. *Children have the same flesh, the same metabolism, and so on. Death is only that of the body. *There is much to believe: the strength of human values that the brain has progressively developed over the millennia to achieve ethical consciousness. *I consider it a shame not to keep a commitment, to take an incorrect and ethically illegitimate action towards another person. *I don't think I've been a successful man, because when I was a recent graduate and first set foot at the Cancer Institute, I was counting, with a whole life ahead of me, on winning cancer. Instead, cancer is not defeated. *We are here only by chance, purely by chance. *Early man, lacking knowledge to explain the phenomena around him, was naturally inclined to conceive of a higher power. Today there is no longer any need for religions. *Moving away from religion has made me mature. *Humans are the result of the [[evolutionism|evolution]], which lasted millions of years, from the first amino acid molecule to us. *Psychologically, I believe we are the product of a number of dilemmas that for centuries we have perceived and left unresolved. First of all, the difficulty in understanding the meaning of life, that is, why we are on this earth. *I believe that big choices should be made in conditions of total awareness. Enlisting a newborn in any religion is a subtle abuse for me. :*Quoted in Raffaele Carcano, Adele Orioli, ''Uscire dal gregge'', Luca Sossella editore, 2008, p. 169. ISBN 9788889829646. ==''Perché dobbiamo essere vegetariani''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi, ''Perché dobbiamo essere vegetariani'', in Umberto Veronesi, [[Mario Pappagallo]], ''Verso la scelta vegetariana: il tumore si previene anche a tavola'', Giunti, Firenze, 2011. ISBN 978-88-09-76687-7</small> ===[[w:Incipit|Incipit]]=== Vegetarianism, understood as the refusal to eat animal meat, has been present since the dawn of our thought. It was originally mostly considered by ancient philosophies and religions to be a form of elevation from material to spiritual experience. Even in ancient Egypt, priests abstained from meat and fish throughout their service to the deities, so that the body, the shell of the soul, did not oppress it. In the schools of the Pythagorean philosophers of ancient Greece, all flesh was abstained from because it was considered an obstacle to the vigilance of the mind and the purity of thought. ===Quotes=== *Being vegetarian is the expression of a philosophy of life that excludes all forms of bullying and always privileges respect for all living beings. There is also an ethical conscience, an awareness of the principles of environmental sustainability, a desire to express love for the planet, and a culture of nonviolence. (pp. 8-9) *Always, as soon as I've been able to choose my food, I don't touch a bite of meat and, in fact, the more time passes, the more the idea itself repels me. I don't doubt that its taste can be pleasant. But can the criterion of goodness of taste ethically justify every act by which we procure food for ourselves? An episode comes to mind that tells the story of the adventures of the famous explorer David Livingstone. During his African expeditions he meets an elderly woman from an anthropophagous tribe who tastefully bites a child's little finger. Livingstone is horrified by the scene, asks her how a woman, probably a mother and grandmother, can commit such an act, and the cannibal's response, which even seems to show some amazement, is: "If only he knew how good it is!" (p. 9) *Meat consumption is the primary factor responsible for food injustice and causes half the world to fall ill and die from too much food and the other half from its scarcity. (p. 13) *[...] in general, 30% of cancers are due to a diet too high in animal fats. Furthermore, some forms, such as intestinal cancer, are directly related to meat consumption while others, such as endometrial cancer, are linked to obesity. (p. 20) We know that the vegetarian diet makes us live better and longer, that it brings us into harmony with the environment in the present, and that it is a better guarantee for our children's future. (p. 22) *Many vegetarians wonder whether it is right from a health perspective to eliminate meat from their children's diets, fearing that some substances in the carnivorous diet are essential for their growth. It's an understandable fear, but unfounded. (p. 23) Vegetarianism is a health defense that immediately proves effective: some studies have observed that children who follow a vegetarian menu become less ill as early as kindergarten, because they have better immune defenses than omnivores, who follow a diet that promotes a stronger inflammatory response. (p. 23) *The typical American diet, rich in meat and low in other foods, produces an accumulation of sex hormones in children that lead them to increasingly anticipate sexual maturation, even at the age of eight. Vegetarian girls, on the other hand, typically menstruate later than omnivores, and this in adulthood is a protective factor against cancer. (p. 23) ===Interviews=== :'''<small>''[https://www.ok-salute.it/alimentazione/veronesi-una-regola-doro-mangiare-meno Veronesi: «Una regola d'oro, mangiare meno»]'', ''OK salute e benessere'', 14 October 2009</small>''' *The risk of cancer is proportional to the amount of food you put in: more food, more risks. *Humans are primates, that is, they are modified monkeys, and they have retained their fundamental metabolic characteristics. Primates have been and are vegetarians [...]. *[...] the so-called Mediterranean diet, based on vegetables, fruit, and pasta, traditional for centuries in Italy, has proven effective in preventing cardiovascular disease, obesity, diabetes, and cancer. The return to a Mediterranean-style diet has contributed, together with more effective drugs, to a decrease in cardiovascular disease mortality. *The Mediterranean diet is the exact opposite of the consumerist attitude of our «fluent» society. Rather, it is a philosophy of life and eating behavior and essentially consists of eating little, parically, Franciscanly, trying above all to abandon the unnatural condition of omnivorous (and therefore also carnivorous) animals in favor of a return to our ancient anthropologically vegetarian history. :'''<small>From an interview by Dariio Cresto-Dina, ''[http://espresso.repubblica.it/visioni/scienze/2015/03/13/news/umberto-veronesi-essere-vegetariani-e-una-conquista-di-civilta-1.203888 Umberto Veronesi: "Essere vegetariani è una conquista di civiltà"]'', ''l'Espresso'', 19 March 2015</small>''' *I consider vegetarianism a cultural achievement and a sign of civilization. Vegetarians feel like citizens of the Earth, because they don't have to kill and massacre its inhabitants to meet their basic need for food. Vegetarian pride is similar to that felt by Greeks who belonged to the first philosophical schools, and in fact, convinced vegetarians, from [[Leonardo da Vinci]] to the [[Beatles]], have made their choice a banner, indicating a certain vision of the world: with less violence, less death, more conscience, and more sense of individual responsibility. *[[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was probably the first to also define vegetarianism as a necessity for the survival of humanity, linking personal food choices to the balance of the planet's resources. *[...] vegetarianism is a choice of respect for the environment and responsibility towards man's future. But above all it is a choice of love for life and for animals. I realize it's hard to think of the terrible pain animals suffer when eating meat: how can we imagine that that thin, well-cooked slice they present on our plate was just a few days earlier a calf scurrying through the meadows next to its mother? Even less easy is to visualize the torture he suffered in the slaughterhouse. *[...] I recommend to everyone the book that has now become the cult of vegetarianism: If Nothing Matters [...], in which the American author explains why she went from carnivore to vegetarian. The central theme is the violence perpetrated daily against farm animals and the reflection on the consequences that this terrible pain has on human life. :'''<small>From an interview by Dario Cresto-Dina, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cultura/2015/11/22/news/umberto_veronesi_io_non_ho_paura_-127906220/ Umberto Veronesi: "Io non ho paura"]'', ''repubblica.it'', 2 November 2015</small>''' *[Whether he would be willing to resort to euthanasia] Without the slightest hesitation. If an illness deprived me of my dignity as a person I would ask for euthanasia. I also made the living will that contains my wishes on the end of my life, in case I was unable to express them in person. *[If he ever had second thoughts about abandoning faith] Losing God forced me to seek moral values within myself. They are enough to give me strength. Ethical commitment is the only thing God left me. I have not had and will not have any second thoughts, but I have continued to study religions. *I consider death a biological duty and imperative. Since I was a boy I thought that life must end and has no metaphysical dimension. He who believes in the absolute finitude of life is always ready to die. There is no need to forgive or ask for forgiveness of sins or redeem oneself to ensure a good sojourn in the afterlife. If our ideas are our immortality, with our life of thought, every day we prepare to die. *[If you consider yourself a provocateur] I am not a provocateur unless by provoking you mean inducing a different view of things that is detached from the clichés and most popular positions. [...] You see, there's a double common thread that ties all my thought struggles together. The first is the need to shatter acquired legacies and truths to develop a system of ideas and values of one's own. The second is the belief that all phenomena have a cause and only by acting on the causes can even the most painful and tragic situations be resolved. This is also the meaning of my words about Is. Opposing violence to violence only fuels a spiral of blood, death, and fear. Exactly what the Is wants. Instead, it is necessary to understand the reasons for jihadist madness and intervene on these after having legitimized them, but decoded them. *[On his consideration of sex] Sex is a positive and indispensable vital expression. Besides being, I repeat, an imperative of DNA, which commands us to reproduce. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Veronesi, Umberto}} [[Category:1925 births]] [[Category:2016 deaths]] [[Category:Politicians from Italy]] [[Category:Medical scientists]] [[Category:Physicians from Italy]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:People from Milan]] [[Category:Social democrats]] aum2pxmohpcifbqxof27ztjh2cwig56 3955055 3955054 2026-06-21T12:31:27Z ~2026-36122-84 3344224 /* Essere laico */ 3955055 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Umberto Veronesi 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}]] '''{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}''' ([[28 November]] [[1925]] – [[8 November]] [[2016]]) was an [[Italy|Italian]] [[w:oncology|oncologist]] and [[politician]], internationally known for his contributions on prevention and treatment of {{w|breast cancer}} throughout a career spanning over fifty years. == Quotes == *In illness, pain for its own sake should never be accepted and should be countered by any means. Illness must increase, not decrease, respect for the individual's freedom, self-determination, and personality. :*''L'ombra e la luce'', p. 64. *A waiting list thousands of names long is ethically unacceptable. On the contrary, living transplantation is morally permissible, as well as meritorious, which today is also a simple and harmless surgical practice, just as the condition of those who find themselves living with only one kidney is practically risk-free. :* Giovanni Maria Pace, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2001/03/15/liste-attesa-troppo-lunghe-trapianti-di-rene.html Liste d'attesa troppo lunghe trapianti di rene tra viventi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 15 March 2001, p. 27. *A state law, the one on transplants, voted by a very large majority in the incumbent parliament, has been overturned by obtuse and irresponsible statements. Superficial statements dictated by ignorance of the issue that risk jeopardizing the work done so far to give thousands of sick citizens hope for life and to relieve their families of heavy daily anguish. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/online/spettacoli/celentano/veronesi/veronesi.html Veronesi contro Celentano "Uno schiaffo alle donazioni"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 28 April 2001. *It is too simplistic to believe that a child, in order to grow up in a balanced way, needs the presence of a father and mother of a different sex. No scientific research shows that being the children of homosexuals is dangerous to the acquisition of one's gender identity. The truth is that society needs time to adapt to change: just think of what happened 30 years ago to the children of separated people, who felt uncomfortable and tried to hide their reality. Now, however, being the children of separated people is almost normal. :*4 July 2006, quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20070726031645/http://www.gaynews.it/view.php?ID=38249 Gaynews.it]. *Our organism, like that of monkeys, is programmed precisely for the consumption of fruits, vegetables and legumes. A meat-free diet certainly wouldn't weaken us: think of the gorilla's physical power. And let's think about the newborn, who in the first few months quadruples his weight by feeding only on milk. Not only would a diet of fruits and vegetables be good for us, but it would serve precisely to keep diseases at bay. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *I am a committed vegetarian for ethical reasons (I don't want to satisfy my throat at the expense of the pain and death of other animals), but in making these statements I rely on more than established scientific reasons. We are surrounded by pollutants, which collective sensitivity now considers a risk to our lives. They are harmful substances if we breathe them in, but much more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves in precisely this situation, because from the atmosphere these substances fall back onto the ground, and therefore onto the grass which, eaten by livestock, accumulates in its fatty deposits, and finally arrives on our plate when we eat the meat. A toxic substance is more dangerous if ingested than if breathed in. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *Humanity risks a destructive ripple effect: depletion of energy, drinking water, and staple foods to satisfy unhealthy food consumption. Meat consumption has increased in China and India, just as it does not stop in the West. The numbers don't add up. Six billion inhabitants, three billion cattle for slaughter (every kilo of meat burns 20 thousand litres of water), 15 billion birds for food, production of fuels from cereals. There won't be any more food in a while. Wheat, soybeans, rice, corn are increasingly expensive and are going to fatten farm animals. We have to stop now. First step: becoming vegetarian, or almost. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2008/maggio/20/Tutti_vegetariani_battaglia_che_faro_co_9_080520097.shtml Tutti vegetariani. È la battaglia che farò in Senato]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 20 May 2008, p. 9. *I've been a vegetarian since I started choosing, and mine is a choice of love, philosophy, and science. Of love for animals and for life in all its forms, especially when it is helpless and cannot assert its desperate need to survive. No existence is small, none is insignificant. Eating is a form of celebration of life, and not denial of life itself to other living beings, because they are "inferior." There is no biological difference between animals. Why then is it horrifying to think of eating our dog, but we slaughter hundreds of lambs every Easter to celebrate? The philosophy of vegetarianism is nonviolence, and the violence to which animals for slaughter are subjected is brutal and cruel. :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *I am a vegetarian for ethical, not medical, reasons. Animals should be respected and not killed and then eaten. All animals. I am often asked why I chose to be a vegetarian. The first response is of an ethical nature. This is a choice I made a long time ago, because I firmly believe that men have no right to cause the suffering and death of other living beings. Animals experience emotions, pain, fear. What right do we have to snatch the lamb from the sheep to enjoy a leg of lamb, and the calf from the cow to have the "slices" that human mothers love so much for their children? I don't think mine are romantic ideas, without foundation. I still remember a shocking investigation into the real terror that grips the animals taken to the slaughterhouse, when they arrive near the slaughterhouse. Let's stop saying that animals "don't understand." :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *My commitment to [[vegetarianism]] has not only scientific and medical foundations, but also philosophical ones. Indeed, he was born in me as a child from love and respect for life in all its forms, especially when he cannot defend himself and assert his reasons. I have never endured the captivity of the farms and the cruelty of slaughter. Avoiding meat is a way to avoid the unnecessary suffering of animals. :*[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/08/sezioni/scienza_e_tecnologia/bistecca-artificiale/bistecca-veronesi/bistecca-veronesi.html?ref=search ''"Diventare vegetariani è meglio"''], ''la Repubblica'', 21 August 2008. *My law does not concern the subject of the permanent vegetative state in its entirety, but only the right of every citizen to reject this unnatural way of ending his life. Today, the decision on how and when to extend care is entirely in the hands of doctors, while instead it is the inalienable right of every citizen to decide whether to start or when to leave supportive treatment. [...] In the past there was a fear of dying prematurely. Today there is that of surviving beyond the natural limit of life, in an artificial condition, devoid of consciousness and life of relationship. [...] Those who have faith will choose to trust God. Or, still by faith, he will refuse treatments that could save him (blood transfusions for Jehovah's Witnesses). Those who have no faith will be able to rely on the powers of medical science or choose to set limits. :*''[http://www.corriere.it/cronache/08_novembre_13/pappagallo_testamento_biologico_a452abe4-b151-11dd-a7b7-00144f02aabc.shtml Testamento biologico, il medico può dire no]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 13 November 2008. *(Commenting on the Supreme Court ruling authorizing the interruption of treatment for [[w:Eluana Englaro|Eluana Englaro]]) The Supreme Court ruling does not sanction the victory of scientists, nor of lay people, nor of any political faction, but of citizens and the principles of the Constitution that protect their freedom. And once again, judges demonstrate their loyalty to the Constitution, and their intellectual independence from ideological pressures. Because precisely the rights of all citizens to individual freedom we are talking about. By "all" I mean believers and non-believers. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/10/sezioni/cronaca/eluana-eutanasia-3/comm-veronesi/comm-veronesi.html Non vince la scienza]'', ''la Repubblica'', 14 November 2008. *The very principle of the hospital must not revolve around the needs of the doctor but those of the patient. :*''Il Mattino'', 25 May 2009. *If you are a good conformist and respect the rules, no ideas come. :*From the interview by [[w:Fabio Fazio|Fabio Fazio]], ''[[w:Che tempo che fa|Che tempo che fa]]'', 31 October 2009. *I have become convinced that every religion expresses the need for a certain population at that historical moment. :*''Corriere della Sera'', 4 February 2010. *Science and faith cannot go together, because faith presupposes blind belief in something revealed in the past, a kind of legend that still persists today, without criticizing it, without the right to question mysteries and dogmas [...]. :*From the interview to [http://tg24.sky.it/tg24/cronaca/2010/02/04/umberto_veronesi_scienza_fede_10.html ''SKY TG24''], 4 February 2010. *Smoking is more deadly than [[alcohol]] and drugs: 50,000 deaths from lung cancer each year. Those who start at 15 risk cancer at 45. :*Quoted in ''City'', 20 April 2010, p. 2. *The philosopher [[Peter Singer|Singe]]r, who is one of the greatest advocates of animals, coined a term called "speciesism," which comes from racism. For centuries we have been anti-racist, but now we are starting to be anti-speciesist, that is, we don't want to, we don't think it's right for one species, the human one in particular, to take over and attack other species. This antispecism began to be an important philosophical movement and with the participation of many valuable philosophers. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *I created an institute, the European Institute of Oncology, where animals are not used. If you search everywhere, search the entire institute, you won't find a place where there are laboratory animals. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *Homosexual love is the purest love, unlike heterosexual love, which is instrumental to reproduction. :*''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/11_giugno_23/veronesi-amore-gay_cba482c8-9d92-11e0-b1a1-4623f252d3e7.shtml Veronesi difende i gay: «Quello omosessuale è l'amore più puro»]'', ''corriere.it'', 23 June 2011. *The true innovator is a big pain in the ass, he doesn't like anything and he has to change the rules, he has to change his habits, he has to redo an organization and we are often not prepared. :*From ''Un male curabile''; quoted in Equivita Scientific Committe, ''[http://www.equivita.it/index.php/it/12-comunicati/456-comunicato-150312 Vivisezione: gli ultimi fuochi di un paradigma morente]'', 15 March 2012. *The national health system has three flaws: the first is that it doesn't reward the quality of treatment; the second is that the national health system doesn't address [[prevention]]; and the other is that there's too much political infiltration, that's all. [...] I created the most advanced national system [...] in the world, not for quality, but for accessibility. Private healthcare has the problem that someone gains on the diseases of others, which is not something ethically very appreciable. Therefore this institute [the IEO], for example, has opened a new path: a private non-profit hospital, which therefore obliges us by statute to reinvest everything in research. We can't keep anything. [...] donors, who are also members of the board of directors, cannot take, withdraw anything. :*From an interview by Alberto Nerazzini, ''[http://www.rai.it/dl/docs/1368382655481doutdes2_report.pdf Do ut des 2]'', ''rai.it'', 2013. *Eating meat increases your chances of running into many serious conditions (some potentially fatal). I'm convinced it's impossible to count the number of problems we could avoid if we consumed less meat... On the contrary, plant-based foods have a protective function against the action of free radicals, that is, those molecules that can irreparably damage the structure of cells and their DNA: we often hear about them, «free radicals» is a term that has entered common parlance, yet we struggle to accept that to combat them we must adopt a vegetarian diet. Scandalous amounts are spent on antioxidant supplements that would combat aging and oxidation, when the best and most effective system would be to eat sensibly! :*''La dieta del digiuno'', Mondadori, Milano, 2013, pp. [https://books.google.it/books?id=gM5dEOtOqcgC&pg=PT21 21]-22. ISBN 9788852035647. *The commitment of a medical class more sensitive to human aspects is necessary, which must care not only about the body, but also about the mind. The mind is the place where medicine is perceived. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2013/aprile/07/Informazioni_dignita_Sui_diritti_del_co_0_20130407_18ed7df2-9f47-11e2-aaa1-67707bdac44a.shtml Informazioni e dignità. Sui diritti del malato ancora molto da fare]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 April 2013. *[The government is rowing] against e-cigarettes, with an incredible 58 percent tax rate that has caused many producers to disappear [...] [while thanks to e-cigarettes] 30,000 people could be saved a year in Italy alone. [...] Of course, the state makes more money from traditional cigarettes, it profits from this tragedy, but then it is forced to spend three billion every year to treat the 50,000 cancers that develop in Italy due to smoking. :* Carlo Brambilla, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2013/11/06/la-sigaretta-elettronica-promossa-dagli-scienziati-salva.html La sigaretta elettronica promossa dagli scienziati salva 30mila persone l'anno]'', ''la Repubblica'', 6 November 2013. *I would like to see the debate for the liberalisation of soft drugs reopened in Italy too. The time has come to overcome ideological barriers and admit that prohibition does not serve to reduce consumption. The Constitutional Court's ruling, declaring the Fini-Giovanardi law unconstitutional, demonstrates, once again, the more civilly advanced view of our judges compared to Parliament. With the rejection of the law, which equated hard and soft drugs and provided for sentences of up to 20 years in prison, it was estimated that sentences for 10,000 inmates would have to be reviewed because they were related to the use of soft drugs, and therefore for minor crimes. This is a huge number, corresponding to almost half of all drug inmates, approximately 40% of prisoners overall. Now, it is estimated that about 50% of our young people use cannabis, in addition to many adults. Does this mean that half of young Italians are criminals? If that were the case, there would be all the more reason to consider Fini-Giovanardi a total failure. Putting soft and hard drugs on the same level is unscientific. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/la-repubblica-delle-idee/polis/2014/02/20/news/l_appello_di_veronesi_liberalizzare_la_cannabis-79134131/?ref=search L'appello di Veronesi: liberalizzare la cannabis]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 20 February 2014. *[...] now faced with increased infertility, both male and female, and procreation that is increasingly advanced over the years, we must find solutions. And the simplest is medically assisted procreation. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015) :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015; also quoted in [http://www.adnkronos.com/salute/2015/03/17/veronesi-non-esistono-bimbi-sintetici-gay-possono-essere-bravissimi-genitori_m9jQz4LlVPoWshMv2f0RoJ.html ''Veronesi, non esistono bimbi sintetici e gay possono essere bravissimi genitori''], ''Adnkronos.com'', 17 March 2015. *If a person has a loving drive for their children, whether they are genetically his or not, it is very legitimate, whether they are gay or single couples. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015). :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015. *Many will want to know if in this reflection of mine, and study, and commit myself incessantly to so many causes I have found the meaning of life. Yes, I have an answer: life perhaps has no meaning. But that's exactly why we spend our lives looking for one. The important thing is not to know, but to seek. :*From the web-show ''The Innovation Game''; citato in ''[http://www.repubblica.it/next/2015/07/10/news/la_fabbrica_dell_innovazione-118785138/ La fabbrica dell'innovazione]'', ''repubblica.it'', 10 July 2015. *Getting a child used to adopting a vegetarian diet from weaning [...] means giving him an indisputable health advantage, because it provides him with a strong and long-lasting defense against many diseases of adulthood. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *Eliminating animal fats is always a lifesaver. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *I am against the idea of waging war on the Islamic State, because violence calls violence. The more they cut off heads, the more we bomb: someone must stop this chain of action and reaction and must do so with dialogue and religious tolerance. The Is must be heard. Rather, a peacemaking effort must be made by those who consider themselves civilized, against irrationality. ISIS is made up of a group of Sunnis who feel marginalized in Iraq and have created a very extremist movement, effectively because they want a homeland and are calling on Iraq to cede a small area, no larger than Lombardy, to create the Islamic state. In practice, it is a group that has been divided by artificial boundaries for many years. The IS must be listened to, its reasons must be understood, because like other minorities in Europe and around the world it calls for a homeland. :*''Adnkronos'', citato in ''[http://www.direttanews.it/2015/11/14/veronesi-non-dobbiamo-combattere-lisis/ Veronesi: "Non dobbiamo combattere l'Isis"]'', ''Direttanews.it'', 14 November 2015. *After Auschwitz, cancer is proof that [[existence of God|God does not exist]]. :*''[http://www.ilfattoquotidiano.it/2014/11/18/antonino-zichichi-umberto-veronesi-dio-esiste-prova-luniverso/1218469/ Antonino Zichichi a Umberto Veronesi: "Dio esiste e la prova è l'universo"]'', ''Il Fatto Quotidiano.it'', 18 November 2015. *Milanese people are productive, with a profound ethical vision of work, a strong sense of social justice, the transmission of well-being to future generations, and with total respect for civilization, rights, tolerance, and solidarity. :*From an interview by Elisabetta Soglio, ''[http://milano.corriere.it/notizie/politica/16_gennaio_11/veronesi-sala-vero-civil-servant-continuera-quanto-fatto-pisapia-237f7bbc-b84e-11e5-8210-122afbd965bb.shtml Veronesi: «Sala vero civil servant, continuerà quanto fatto da Pisapia»]'', ''Corriere.it'', 11 January 2016. === ''The First Day Without Cancer'' (2013) === :<small>''[https://books.google.it/books?id=Maf0AQAAQBAJ&pg=PT0 The First Day Without Cancer: The Battles We Have Won, and Those We Will Win]'', originally published as ''Il primo giorno senza cancro'', translated by Hidoko Fudemoto, New York: Open Road, 2013. {{ISBN|978-1-4804-4290-0}}</small> * We have reached the conclusion that what we eat is responsible for a large number of tumors, and that certain foods trigger [[cancer]] while others have a protective value. [[Meat]] and its derivatives figure among carcinogenic foods of the intestines. Meat, in fact, is particularly rich in saturated fatty acids, substances that lead to damaging activity in regard to our bodies in general. Furthermore, certain forms of tumors, such as intestinal cancer, are directly correlated to the consumption of meat, while others, such as endometrial tumors, are linked to obesity. * We have to consider that the foods we ingest let a certain amount of soluble toxic substances dispersed in the environment into our bodies. These polluting substances are harmful if we breathe them in, but they are even more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves precisely in that position, because such substances in the atmosphere fall back to Earth, and hence, onto the grass that, when eaten by cattle, introduces harmful substances into their adipose deposits and therefore into their flesh, and finally, onto our plates. * It should be remembered that the pharmacologic treatment of raised farm animals can cause damage to the health of anyone who eats their meat. For example, the antibiotics that are legally added to animal feed—with the objective of preventing infections—can cause a resistance to antibiotics in humans. That is to say, a selection of bacterial strains resistant to antibiotics can be transmitted from animals to man through food; and can thereby generate infections difficult to stop (at times fatal, as with salmonella). * Fruit and vegetables, instead, are foods extremely low in fats and high in fiber: by easing the passage of ingested food, they reduce the time of contact between possible carcinogens—present in our daily diet—with the walls of the intestines. * A [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]] diet, by reason of its low content of saturated fatty acids, cholesterol, and animal proteins, and its high concentrations of folic acids, antioxidants, and phytoestrogens—shown to be effective in inhibiting the growth or in promoting the regression of serious coronary pathologies—constitutes a barrier against a number of chronic degenerative diseases, cancer among them. And that is not all. Fruits and vegetables—besides contaminating us much less than some other foods—are troves of precious substances that enable the neutralization of carcinogenic agents and that 'dilute' the concentration of diseased cells and reduce their proliferation. All of these advantages, as well as many others, emerged from studies on populations in the last century. * Prevention is within reach of everyone. And here are recommendations: abstain from smoking, eat less, eat mostly vegetarian foods, an active mind and body, and follow individually designed early diagnostic regimens. ==''Da bambino avevo un sogno''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi, ''Da bambino avevo un sogno: Tra ricerca e cura, la mia lotta al tumore'', Mondadori, Milano, 2002. ISBN 88-04-51036-6</small> *Every man is free to choose his own destiny and also to decide to end his own life, if the suffering becomes intolerable to the point of reducing the level of human dignity below the threshold of acceptability. (p. 118) *But I am even more convinced that, in order not to achieve euthanasia, whether passive or active, there is a fundamental goal to achieve: preventing the desire for death by doing everything possible to ensure that the patient, especially the terminally ill, does not reach such a state of suffering. *If it is treated well, the patient hardly asks to die. If he is cared for with affection, with love, without pain, he will not ask for a good death. (p. 119) *Experience has taught me that man, when he wishes to reach a goal, finds unthinkable resources within himself. (p. 219) ==''Dell'amore e del dolore delle donne''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi, ''Dell'amore e del dolore delle donne'', Einaudi, Torino, 2010. ISBN 978-88-06-20133-3</small> ===[[w:Incipit|Incipit]]=== «Even as a child, I sensed that that very singular smile represented a strange, small victory for every woman. Yes, an ephemeral revenge on dashed hopes, on the coarseness of men, on the rarity, in this world, of beautiful and true things. If I had known then, I would have called that way of smiling "femininity"». It is the incipit of a beautiful book by [[w:Andreï Makine|Andreï Makine]], The French Testament, and could be for many men the description of one of the most intense memories each carries within: a woman's smile. For me, my mother's. ===Quotes=== *Sex is everywhere today: on the front pages of newspapers, on magazine covers, in advertisements, online, on all television channels. There is an ostentation, almost an obsession, which hides a fearsome void in my opinion. It is as if in the era following sexual liberation, after years of cultural struggles against obscurantism, sex was by no means a natural integration of male-female relationships. On the contrary, it returns to being the symbol of transgression, and intrigues only if it is forbidden, exaggerated, maniacal, magical, or even virtual. And from here to becoming an instrument of blackmail and violence, the step is short. The reason for this situation is first and foremost biological, and it is the price of equality between the sexes, an achievement that attenuates gender differences and weakens the spontaneous attraction that ignites sexual desire. (p. 53) *([[Margherita Hack]]) She is the icon of free thought and nonconformism [...]. (p. 70) *Yet I am against abortion. We all are, I believe: there is no person who is not ideally opposed to terminating a pregnancy, because it is an act against nature (in the sense that it opposes the genetic imperative of reproduction [...]) and because it produces traumatic consequences from a psychological point of view. But condemning abortion with a law, making it illegal, does not prevent abortions from happening. [...] Voluntary abortion is a serious event, but clandestine abortion is a tragedy: therefore, offering a woman the opportunity to have a legal and controlled abortion corresponds to the choice of the «lesser evil». And so, within this lesser evil, the RU486 pill method –which I have supported since the first mentions of the possibility of its introduction in Italy– is the best choice, because it is the least painful for women. (pp. 98-99) *[We doctors] Wear the mask of conviviality on our faces –to reassure, encourage, give hope– and carry within us the nihilism of the helpless witness in the face of tragedy. (p. 104) ==''Essere laico''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi and Alain Elkann, ''Essere laico'', Bompiani, Milano, 2007. ISBN 88-452-5953-6 ([http://books.google.it/books?id=eH5YzyXlnc4C&printsec=frontcover&hl=it#v=onepage&q&f=false Preview on Google Books])</small> *Children are immortality. Children will have more children and therefore life never ends. Our body dies, but our DNA continues. *Children have the same flesh, the same metabolism, and so on. Death is only that of the body. *There is much to believe: the strength of human values that the brain has progressively developed over the millennia to achieve ethical consciousness. *I consider it a shame not to keep a commitment, to take an incorrect and ethically illegitimate action towards another person. *I don't think I've been a successful man, because when I was a recent graduate and first set foot at the Cancer Institute, I was counting, with a whole life ahead of me, on winning cancer. Instead, cancer is not defeated. *We are here only by chance, purely by chance. *Early man, lacking knowledge to explain the phenomena around him, was naturally inclined to conceive of a higher power. Today there is no longer any need for religions. *Moving away from religion has made me mature. *Humans are the result of the [[evolutionism|evolution]], which lasted millions of years, from the first amino acid molecule to us. *Psychologically, I believe we are the product of a number of dilemmas that for centuries we have perceived and left unresolved. First of all, the difficulty in understanding the meaning of life, that is, why we are on this earth. *I believe that big choices should be made in conditions of total awareness. Enlisting a newborn in any religion is a subtle abuse for me. :*Quoted in Raffaele Carcano, Adele Orioli, ''Uscire dal gregge'', Luca Sossella editore, 2008, p. 169. ISBN 9788889829646. ==''Perché dobbiamo essere vegetariani''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi, ''Perché dobbiamo essere vegetariani'', in Umberto Veronesi, [[Mario Pappagallo]], ''Verso la scelta vegetariana: il tumore si previene anche a tavola'', Giunti, Firenze, 2011. ISBN 978-88-09-76687-7</small> ===[[w:Incipit|Incipit]]=== Vegetarianism, understood as the refusal to eat animal meat, has been present since the dawn of our thought. It was originally mostly considered by ancient philosophies and religions to be a form of elevation from material to spiritual experience. Even in ancient Egypt, priests abstained from meat and fish throughout their service to the deities, so that the body, the shell of the soul, did not oppress it. In the schools of the Pythagorean philosophers of ancient Greece, all flesh was abstained from because it was considered an obstacle to the vigilance of the mind and the purity of thought. ===Quotes=== *Being vegetarian is the expression of a philosophy of life that excludes all forms of bullying and always privileges respect for all living beings. There is also an ethical conscience, an awareness of the principles of environmental sustainability, a desire to express love for the planet, and a culture of nonviolence. (pp. 8-9) *Always, as soon as I've been able to choose my food, I don't touch a bite of meat and, in fact, the more time passes, the more the idea itself repels me. I don't doubt that its taste can be pleasant. But can the criterion of goodness of taste ethically justify every act by which we procure food for ourselves? An episode comes to mind that tells the story of the adventures of the famous explorer David Livingstone. During his African expeditions he meets an elderly woman from an anthropophagous tribe who tastefully bites a child's little finger. Livingstone is horrified by the scene, asks her how a woman, probably a mother and grandmother, can commit such an act, and the cannibal's response, which even seems to show some amazement, is: "If only he knew how good it is!" (p. 9) *Meat consumption is the primary factor responsible for food injustice and causes half the world to fall ill and die from too much food and the other half from its scarcity. (p. 13) *[...] in general, 30% of cancers are due to a diet too high in animal fats. Furthermore, some forms, such as intestinal cancer, are directly related to meat consumption while others, such as endometrial cancer, are linked to obesity. (p. 20) We know that the vegetarian diet makes us live better and longer, that it brings us into harmony with the environment in the present, and that it is a better guarantee for our children's future. (p. 22) *Many vegetarians wonder whether it is right from a health perspective to eliminate meat from their children's diets, fearing that some substances in the carnivorous diet are essential for their growth. It's an understandable fear, but unfounded. (p. 23) Vegetarianism is a health defense that immediately proves effective: some studies have observed that children who follow a vegetarian menu become less ill as early as kindergarten, because they have better immune defenses than omnivores, who follow a diet that promotes a stronger inflammatory response. (p. 23) *The typical American diet, rich in meat and low in other foods, produces an accumulation of sex hormones in children that lead them to increasingly anticipate sexual maturation, even at the age of eight. Vegetarian girls, on the other hand, typically menstruate later than omnivores, and this in adulthood is a protective factor against cancer. (p. 23) ===Interviews=== :'''<small>''[https://www.ok-salute.it/alimentazione/veronesi-una-regola-doro-mangiare-meno Veronesi: «Una regola d'oro, mangiare meno»]'', ''OK salute e benessere'', 14 October 2009</small>''' *The risk of cancer is proportional to the amount of food you put in: more food, more risks. *Humans are primates, that is, they are modified monkeys, and they have retained their fundamental metabolic characteristics. Primates have been and are vegetarians [...]. *[...] the so-called Mediterranean diet, based on vegetables, fruit, and pasta, traditional for centuries in Italy, has proven effective in preventing cardiovascular disease, obesity, diabetes, and cancer. The return to a Mediterranean-style diet has contributed, together with more effective drugs, to a decrease in cardiovascular disease mortality. *The Mediterranean diet is the exact opposite of the consumerist attitude of our «fluent» society. Rather, it is a philosophy of life and eating behavior and essentially consists of eating little, parically, Franciscanly, trying above all to abandon the unnatural condition of omnivorous (and therefore also carnivorous) animals in favor of a return to our ancient anthropologically vegetarian history. :'''<small>From an interview by Dariio Cresto-Dina, ''[http://espresso.repubblica.it/visioni/scienze/2015/03/13/news/umberto-veronesi-essere-vegetariani-e-una-conquista-di-civilta-1.203888 Umberto Veronesi: "Essere vegetariani è una conquista di civiltà"]'', ''l'Espresso'', 19 March 2015</small>''' *I consider vegetarianism a cultural achievement and a sign of civilization. Vegetarians feel like citizens of the Earth, because they don't have to kill and massacre its inhabitants to meet their basic need for food. Vegetarian pride is similar to that felt by Greeks who belonged to the first philosophical schools, and in fact, convinced vegetarians, from [[Leonardo da Vinci]] to the [[Beatles]], have made their choice a banner, indicating a certain vision of the world: with less violence, less death, more conscience, and more sense of individual responsibility. *[[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was probably the first to also define vegetarianism as a necessity for the survival of humanity, linking personal food choices to the balance of the planet's resources. *[...] vegetarianism is a choice of respect for the environment and responsibility towards man's future. But above all it is a choice of love for life and for animals. I realize it's hard to think of the terrible pain animals suffer when eating meat: how can we imagine that that thin, well-cooked slice they present on our plate was just a few days earlier a calf scurrying through the meadows next to its mother? Even less easy is to visualize the torture he suffered in the slaughterhouse. *[...] I recommend to everyone the book that has now become the cult of vegetarianism: If Nothing Matters [...], in which the American author explains why she went from carnivore to vegetarian. The central theme is the violence perpetrated daily against farm animals and the reflection on the consequences that this terrible pain has on human life. :'''<small>From an interview by Dario Cresto-Dina, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cultura/2015/11/22/news/umberto_veronesi_io_non_ho_paura_-127906220/ Umberto Veronesi: "Io non ho paura"]'', ''repubblica.it'', 2 November 2015</small>''' *[Whether he would be willing to resort to euthanasia] Without the slightest hesitation. If an illness deprived me of my dignity as a person I would ask for euthanasia. I also made the living will that contains my wishes on the end of my life, in case I was unable to express them in person. *[If he ever had second thoughts about abandoning faith] Losing God forced me to seek moral values within myself. They are enough to give me strength. Ethical commitment is the only thing God left me. I have not had and will not have any second thoughts, but I have continued to study religions. *I consider death a biological duty and imperative. Since I was a boy I thought that life must end and has no metaphysical dimension. He who believes in the absolute finitude of life is always ready to die. There is no need to forgive or ask for forgiveness of sins or redeem oneself to ensure a good sojourn in the afterlife. If our ideas are our immortality, with our life of thought, every day we prepare to die. *[If you consider yourself a provocateur] I am not a provocateur unless by provoking you mean inducing a different view of things that is detached from the clichés and most popular positions. [...] You see, there's a double common thread that ties all my thought struggles together. The first is the need to shatter acquired legacies and truths to develop a system of ideas and values of one's own. The second is the belief that all phenomena have a cause and only by acting on the causes can even the most painful and tragic situations be resolved. This is also the meaning of my words about Is. Opposing violence to violence only fuels a spiral of blood, death, and fear. Exactly what the Is wants. Instead, it is necessary to understand the reasons for jihadist madness and intervene on these after having legitimized them, but decoded them. *[On his consideration of sex] Sex is a positive and indispensable vital expression. Besides being, I repeat, an imperative of DNA, which commands us to reproduce. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Veronesi, Umberto}} [[Category:1925 births]] [[Category:2016 deaths]] [[Category:Politicians from Italy]] [[Category:Medical scientists]] [[Category:Physicians from Italy]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:People from Milan]] [[Category:Social democrats]] 2zfqg4vyf2clpan106eq92dag7s9j2s 3955056 3955055 2026-06-21T12:32:26Z ~2026-36122-84 3344224 /* External links */ 3955056 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Umberto Veronesi 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}]] '''{{w|Umberto Veronesi}}''' ([[28 November]] [[1925]] – [[8 November]] [[2016]]) was an [[Italy|Italian]] [[w:oncology|oncologist]] and [[politician]], internationally known for his contributions on prevention and treatment of {{w|breast cancer}} throughout a career spanning over fifty years. == Quotes == *In illness, pain for its own sake should never be accepted and should be countered by any means. Illness must increase, not decrease, respect for the individual's freedom, self-determination, and personality. :*''L'ombra e la luce'', p. 64. *A waiting list thousands of names long is ethically unacceptable. On the contrary, living transplantation is morally permissible, as well as meritorious, which today is also a simple and harmless surgical practice, just as the condition of those who find themselves living with only one kidney is practically risk-free. :* Giovanni Maria Pace, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2001/03/15/liste-attesa-troppo-lunghe-trapianti-di-rene.html Liste d'attesa troppo lunghe trapianti di rene tra viventi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 15 March 2001, p. 27. *A state law, the one on transplants, voted by a very large majority in the incumbent parliament, has been overturned by obtuse and irresponsible statements. Superficial statements dictated by ignorance of the issue that risk jeopardizing the work done so far to give thousands of sick citizens hope for life and to relieve their families of heavy daily anguish. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/online/spettacoli/celentano/veronesi/veronesi.html Veronesi contro Celentano "Uno schiaffo alle donazioni"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 28 April 2001. *It is too simplistic to believe that a child, in order to grow up in a balanced way, needs the presence of a father and mother of a different sex. No scientific research shows that being the children of homosexuals is dangerous to the acquisition of one's gender identity. The truth is that society needs time to adapt to change: just think of what happened 30 years ago to the children of separated people, who felt uncomfortable and tried to hide their reality. Now, however, being the children of separated people is almost normal. :*4 July 2006, quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20070726031645/http://www.gaynews.it/view.php?ID=38249 Gaynews.it]. *Our organism, like that of monkeys, is programmed precisely for the consumption of fruits, vegetables and legumes. A meat-free diet certainly wouldn't weaken us: think of the gorilla's physical power. And let's think about the newborn, who in the first few months quadruples his weight by feeding only on milk. Not only would a diet of fruits and vegetables be good for us, but it would serve precisely to keep diseases at bay. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *I am a committed vegetarian for ethical reasons (I don't want to satisfy my throat at the expense of the pain and death of other animals), but in making these statements I rely on more than established scientific reasons. We are surrounded by pollutants, which collective sensitivity now considers a risk to our lives. They are harmful substances if we breathe them in, but much more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves in precisely this situation, because from the atmosphere these substances fall back onto the ground, and therefore onto the grass which, eaten by livestock, accumulates in its fatty deposits, and finally arrives on our plate when we eat the meat. A toxic substance is more dangerous if ingested than if breathed in. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20060705193147/http://espresso.repubblica.it/dettaglio-archivio/791222 Veronesi: "la mia dieta anti-cancro"]'', ''espresso.repubblica.it'', archived on 5 July 2006. *Humanity risks a destructive ripple effect: depletion of energy, drinking water, and staple foods to satisfy unhealthy food consumption. Meat consumption has increased in China and India, just as it does not stop in the West. The numbers don't add up. Six billion inhabitants, three billion cattle for slaughter (every kilo of meat burns 20 thousand litres of water), 15 billion birds for food, production of fuels from cereals. There won't be any more food in a while. Wheat, soybeans, rice, corn are increasingly expensive and are going to fatten farm animals. We have to stop now. First step: becoming vegetarian, or almost. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2008/maggio/20/Tutti_vegetariani_battaglia_che_faro_co_9_080520097.shtml Tutti vegetariani. È la battaglia che farò in Senato]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 20 May 2008, p. 9. *I've been a vegetarian since I started choosing, and mine is a choice of love, philosophy, and science. Of love for animals and for life in all its forms, especially when it is helpless and cannot assert its desperate need to survive. No existence is small, none is insignificant. Eating is a form of celebration of life, and not denial of life itself to other living beings, because they are "inferior." There is no biological difference between animals. Why then is it horrifying to think of eating our dog, but we slaughter hundreds of lambs every Easter to celebrate? The philosophy of vegetarianism is nonviolence, and the violence to which animals for slaughter are subjected is brutal and cruel. :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *I am a vegetarian for ethical, not medical, reasons. Animals should be respected and not killed and then eaten. All animals. I am often asked why I chose to be a vegetarian. The first response is of an ethical nature. This is a choice I made a long time ago, because I firmly believe that men have no right to cause the suffering and death of other living beings. Animals experience emotions, pain, fear. What right do we have to snatch the lamb from the sheep to enjoy a leg of lamb, and the calf from the cow to have the "slices" that human mothers love so much for their children? I don't think mine are romantic ideas, without foundation. I still remember a shocking investigation into the real terror that grips the animals taken to the slaughterhouse, when they arrive near the slaughterhouse. Let's stop saying that animals "don't understand." :*''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2008/06/25/una-crudelta-per-gli-animali-per-noi.html Una crudeltà per gli animali e per noi stessi]'', ''la Repubblica'', 25 June 2008. *My commitment to [[vegetarianism]] has not only scientific and medical foundations, but also philosophical ones. Indeed, he was born in me as a child from love and respect for life in all its forms, especially when he cannot defend himself and assert his reasons. I have never endured the captivity of the farms and the cruelty of slaughter. Avoiding meat is a way to avoid the unnecessary suffering of animals. :*[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/08/sezioni/scienza_e_tecnologia/bistecca-artificiale/bistecca-veronesi/bistecca-veronesi.html?ref=search ''"Diventare vegetariani è meglio"''], ''la Repubblica'', 21 August 2008. *My law does not concern the subject of the permanent vegetative state in its entirety, but only the right of every citizen to reject this unnatural way of ending his life. Today, the decision on how and when to extend care is entirely in the hands of doctors, while instead it is the inalienable right of every citizen to decide whether to start or when to leave supportive treatment. [...] In the past there was a fear of dying prematurely. Today there is that of surviving beyond the natural limit of life, in an artificial condition, devoid of consciousness and life of relationship. [...] Those who have faith will choose to trust God. Or, still by faith, he will refuse treatments that could save him (blood transfusions for Jehovah's Witnesses). Those who have no faith will be able to rely on the powers of medical science or choose to set limits. :*''[http://www.corriere.it/cronache/08_novembre_13/pappagallo_testamento_biologico_a452abe4-b151-11dd-a7b7-00144f02aabc.shtml Testamento biologico, il medico può dire no]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 13 November 2008. *(Commenting on the Supreme Court ruling authorizing the interruption of treatment for [[w:Eluana Englaro|Eluana Englaro]]) The Supreme Court ruling does not sanction the victory of scientists, nor of lay people, nor of any political faction, but of citizens and the principles of the Constitution that protect their freedom. And once again, judges demonstrate their loyalty to the Constitution, and their intellectual independence from ideological pressures. Because precisely the rights of all citizens to individual freedom we are talking about. By "all" I mean believers and non-believers. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/2008/10/sezioni/cronaca/eluana-eutanasia-3/comm-veronesi/comm-veronesi.html Non vince la scienza]'', ''la Repubblica'', 14 November 2008. *The very principle of the hospital must not revolve around the needs of the doctor but those of the patient. :*''Il Mattino'', 25 May 2009. *If you are a good conformist and respect the rules, no ideas come. :*From the interview by [[w:Fabio Fazio|Fabio Fazio]], ''[[w:Che tempo che fa|Che tempo che fa]]'', 31 October 2009. *I have become convinced that every religion expresses the need for a certain population at that historical moment. :*''Corriere della Sera'', 4 February 2010. *Science and faith cannot go together, because faith presupposes blind belief in something revealed in the past, a kind of legend that still persists today, without criticizing it, without the right to question mysteries and dogmas [...]. :*From the interview to [http://tg24.sky.it/tg24/cronaca/2010/02/04/umberto_veronesi_scienza_fede_10.html ''SKY TG24''], 4 February 2010. *Smoking is more deadly than [[alcohol]] and drugs: 50,000 deaths from lung cancer each year. Those who start at 15 risk cancer at 45. :*Quoted in ''City'', 20 April 2010, p. 2. *The philosopher [[Peter Singer|Singe]]r, who is one of the greatest advocates of animals, coined a term called "speciesism," which comes from racism. For centuries we have been anti-racist, but now we are starting to be anti-speciesist, that is, we don't want to, we don't think it's right for one species, the human one in particular, to take over and attack other species. This antispecism began to be an important philosophical movement and with the participation of many valuable philosophers. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *I created an institute, the European Institute of Oncology, where animals are not used. If you search everywhere, search the entire institute, you won't find a place where there are laboratory animals. :*[https://web.archive.org/web/20101105123618/http://www.lacoscienzadeglianimali.it/index.php/gli-interventi/43-la-coscienza-degli-animali-milano-13-maggio-2010-intervento-di-umberto-veronesi speech] held at the ''Animal Consciousness Day'', 13 May 2010. *Homosexual love is the purest love, unlike heterosexual love, which is instrumental to reproduction. :*''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/11_giugno_23/veronesi-amore-gay_cba482c8-9d92-11e0-b1a1-4623f252d3e7.shtml Veronesi difende i gay: «Quello omosessuale è l'amore più puro»]'', ''corriere.it'', 23 June 2011. *The true innovator is a big pain in the ass, he doesn't like anything and he has to change the rules, he has to change his habits, he has to redo an organization and we are often not prepared. :*From ''Un male curabile''; quoted in Equivita Scientific Committe, ''[http://www.equivita.it/index.php/it/12-comunicati/456-comunicato-150312 Vivisezione: gli ultimi fuochi di un paradigma morente]'', 15 March 2012. *The national health system has three flaws: the first is that it doesn't reward the quality of treatment; the second is that the national health system doesn't address [[prevention]]; and the other is that there's too much political infiltration, that's all. [...] I created the most advanced national system [...] in the world, not for quality, but for accessibility. Private healthcare has the problem that someone gains on the diseases of others, which is not something ethically very appreciable. Therefore this institute [the IEO], for example, has opened a new path: a private non-profit hospital, which therefore obliges us by statute to reinvest everything in research. We can't keep anything. [...] donors, who are also members of the board of directors, cannot take, withdraw anything. :*From an interview by Alberto Nerazzini, ''[http://www.rai.it/dl/docs/1368382655481doutdes2_report.pdf Do ut des 2]'', ''rai.it'', 2013. *Eating meat increases your chances of running into many serious conditions (some potentially fatal). I'm convinced it's impossible to count the number of problems we could avoid if we consumed less meat... On the contrary, plant-based foods have a protective function against the action of free radicals, that is, those molecules that can irreparably damage the structure of cells and their DNA: we often hear about them, «free radicals» is a term that has entered common parlance, yet we struggle to accept that to combat them we must adopt a vegetarian diet. Scandalous amounts are spent on antioxidant supplements that would combat aging and oxidation, when the best and most effective system would be to eat sensibly! :*''La dieta del digiuno'', Mondadori, Milano, 2013, pp. [https://books.google.it/books?id=gM5dEOtOqcgC&pg=PT21 21]-22. ISBN 9788852035647. *The commitment of a medical class more sensitive to human aspects is necessary, which must care not only about the body, but also about the mind. The mind is the place where medicine is perceived. :*''[https://web.archive.org/web/20160101000000/http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2013/aprile/07/Informazioni_dignita_Sui_diritti_del_co_0_20130407_18ed7df2-9f47-11e2-aaa1-67707bdac44a.shtml Informazioni e dignità. Sui diritti del malato ancora molto da fare]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 7 April 2013. *[The government is rowing] against e-cigarettes, with an incredible 58 percent tax rate that has caused many producers to disappear [...] [while thanks to e-cigarettes] 30,000 people could be saved a year in Italy alone. [...] Of course, the state makes more money from traditional cigarettes, it profits from this tragedy, but then it is forced to spend three billion every year to treat the 50,000 cancers that develop in Italy due to smoking. :* Carlo Brambilla, ''[http://ricerca.repubblica.it/repubblica/archivio/repubblica/2013/11/06/la-sigaretta-elettronica-promossa-dagli-scienziati-salva.html La sigaretta elettronica promossa dagli scienziati salva 30mila persone l'anno]'', ''la Repubblica'', 6 November 2013. *I would like to see the debate for the liberalisation of soft drugs reopened in Italy too. The time has come to overcome ideological barriers and admit that prohibition does not serve to reduce consumption. The Constitutional Court's ruling, declaring the Fini-Giovanardi law unconstitutional, demonstrates, once again, the more civilly advanced view of our judges compared to Parliament. With the rejection of the law, which equated hard and soft drugs and provided for sentences of up to 20 years in prison, it was estimated that sentences for 10,000 inmates would have to be reviewed because they were related to the use of soft drugs, and therefore for minor crimes. This is a huge number, corresponding to almost half of all drug inmates, approximately 40% of prisoners overall. Now, it is estimated that about 50% of our young people use cannabis, in addition to many adults. Does this mean that half of young Italians are criminals? If that were the case, there would be all the more reason to consider Fini-Giovanardi a total failure. Putting soft and hard drugs on the same level is unscientific. :*''[http://www.repubblica.it/la-repubblica-delle-idee/polis/2014/02/20/news/l_appello_di_veronesi_liberalizzare_la_cannabis-79134131/?ref=search L'appello di Veronesi: liberalizzare la cannabis]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 20 February 2014. *[...] now faced with increased infertility, both male and female, and procreation that is increasingly advanced over the years, we must find solutions. And the simplest is medically assisted procreation. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015) :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015; also quoted in [http://www.adnkronos.com/salute/2015/03/17/veronesi-non-esistono-bimbi-sintetici-gay-possono-essere-bravissimi-genitori_m9jQz4LlVPoWshMv2f0RoJ.html ''Veronesi, non esistono bimbi sintetici e gay possono essere bravissimi genitori''], ''Adnkronos.com'', 17 March 2015. *If a person has a loving drive for their children, whether they are genetically his or not, it is very legitimate, whether they are gay or single couples. (during an event to present the collaboration between the Veronesi Foundation and Aquae Venice 2015, Milan, March 2015). :*''[http://www.huffingtonpost.it/2015/03/17/umberto-veronesi--figli-in-provetta-sono-sintetici-e-sciocco_n_6885030.html Umberto Veronesi: "Dire che i figli in provetta sono sintetici è sciocco. Un gay può essere un bravissimo genitore"]'', ''Huffington Post.it'', 17 March 2015. *Many will want to know if in this reflection of mine, and study, and commit myself incessantly to so many causes I have found the meaning of life. Yes, I have an answer: life perhaps has no meaning. But that's exactly why we spend our lives looking for one. The important thing is not to know, but to seek. :*From the web-show ''The Innovation Game''; citato in ''[http://www.repubblica.it/next/2015/07/10/news/la_fabbrica_dell_innovazione-118785138/ La fabbrica dell'innovazione]'', ''repubblica.it'', 10 July 2015. *Getting a child used to adopting a vegetarian diet from weaning [...] means giving him an indisputable health advantage, because it provides him with a strong and long-lasting defense against many diseases of adulthood. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *Eliminating animal fats is always a lifesaver. :*From an interview by Alessandra Borella, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cronaca/2015/09/17/news/svezzamento_vegetariano_veronesi_si_schiera_senza_carne_va_bene_a_tutte_le_eta_-123107264/?refresh_ce Svezzamento vegetariano, Veronesi si schiera: "Senza carne va bene a tutte le età"]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 17 September 2015. *I am against the idea of waging war on the Islamic State, because violence calls violence. The more they cut off heads, the more we bomb: someone must stop this chain of action and reaction and must do so with dialogue and religious tolerance. The Is must be heard. Rather, a peacemaking effort must be made by those who consider themselves civilized, against irrationality. ISIS is made up of a group of Sunnis who feel marginalized in Iraq and have created a very extremist movement, effectively because they want a homeland and are calling on Iraq to cede a small area, no larger than Lombardy, to create the Islamic state. In practice, it is a group that has been divided by artificial boundaries for many years. The IS must be listened to, its reasons must be understood, because like other minorities in Europe and around the world it calls for a homeland. :*''Adnkronos'', citato in ''[http://www.direttanews.it/2015/11/14/veronesi-non-dobbiamo-combattere-lisis/ Veronesi: "Non dobbiamo combattere l'Isis"]'', ''Direttanews.it'', 14 November 2015. *After Auschwitz, cancer is proof that [[existence of God|God does not exist]]. :*''[http://www.ilfattoquotidiano.it/2014/11/18/antonino-zichichi-umberto-veronesi-dio-esiste-prova-luniverso/1218469/ Antonino Zichichi a Umberto Veronesi: "Dio esiste e la prova è l'universo"]'', ''Il Fatto Quotidiano.it'', 18 November 2015. *Milanese people are productive, with a profound ethical vision of work, a strong sense of social justice, the transmission of well-being to future generations, and with total respect for civilization, rights, tolerance, and solidarity. :*From an interview by Elisabetta Soglio, ''[http://milano.corriere.it/notizie/politica/16_gennaio_11/veronesi-sala-vero-civil-servant-continuera-quanto-fatto-pisapia-237f7bbc-b84e-11e5-8210-122afbd965bb.shtml Veronesi: «Sala vero civil servant, continuerà quanto fatto da Pisapia»]'', ''Corriere.it'', 11 January 2016. === ''The First Day Without Cancer'' (2013) === :<small>''[https://books.google.it/books?id=Maf0AQAAQBAJ&pg=PT0 The First Day Without Cancer: The Battles We Have Won, and Those We Will Win]'', originally published as ''Il primo giorno senza cancro'', translated by Hidoko Fudemoto, New York: Open Road, 2013. {{ISBN|978-1-4804-4290-0}}</small> * We have reached the conclusion that what we eat is responsible for a large number of tumors, and that certain foods trigger [[cancer]] while others have a protective value. [[Meat]] and its derivatives figure among carcinogenic foods of the intestines. Meat, in fact, is particularly rich in saturated fatty acids, substances that lead to damaging activity in regard to our bodies in general. Furthermore, certain forms of tumors, such as intestinal cancer, are directly correlated to the consumption of meat, while others, such as endometrial tumors, are linked to obesity. * We have to consider that the foods we ingest let a certain amount of soluble toxic substances dispersed in the environment into our bodies. These polluting substances are harmful if we breathe them in, but they are even more so if we ingest them. By consuming meat, we put ourselves precisely in that position, because such substances in the atmosphere fall back to Earth, and hence, onto the grass that, when eaten by cattle, introduces harmful substances into their adipose deposits and therefore into their flesh, and finally, onto our plates. * It should be remembered that the pharmacologic treatment of raised farm animals can cause damage to the health of anyone who eats their meat. For example, the antibiotics that are legally added to animal feed—with the objective of preventing infections—can cause a resistance to antibiotics in humans. That is to say, a selection of bacterial strains resistant to antibiotics can be transmitted from animals to man through food; and can thereby generate infections difficult to stop (at times fatal, as with salmonella). * Fruit and vegetables, instead, are foods extremely low in fats and high in fiber: by easing the passage of ingested food, they reduce the time of contact between possible carcinogens—present in our daily diet—with the walls of the intestines. * A [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]] diet, by reason of its low content of saturated fatty acids, cholesterol, and animal proteins, and its high concentrations of folic acids, antioxidants, and phytoestrogens—shown to be effective in inhibiting the growth or in promoting the regression of serious coronary pathologies—constitutes a barrier against a number of chronic degenerative diseases, cancer among them. And that is not all. Fruits and vegetables—besides contaminating us much less than some other foods—are troves of precious substances that enable the neutralization of carcinogenic agents and that 'dilute' the concentration of diseased cells and reduce their proliferation. All of these advantages, as well as many others, emerged from studies on populations in the last century. * Prevention is within reach of everyone. And here are recommendations: abstain from smoking, eat less, eat mostly vegetarian foods, an active mind and body, and follow individually designed early diagnostic regimens. ==''Da bambino avevo un sogno''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi, ''Da bambino avevo un sogno: Tra ricerca e cura, la mia lotta al tumore'', Mondadori, Milano, 2002. ISBN 88-04-51036-6</small> *Every man is free to choose his own destiny and also to decide to end his own life, if the suffering becomes intolerable to the point of reducing the level of human dignity below the threshold of acceptability. (p. 118) *But I am even more convinced that, in order not to achieve euthanasia, whether passive or active, there is a fundamental goal to achieve: preventing the desire for death by doing everything possible to ensure that the patient, especially the terminally ill, does not reach such a state of suffering. *If it is treated well, the patient hardly asks to die. If he is cared for with affection, with love, without pain, he will not ask for a good death. (p. 119) *Experience has taught me that man, when he wishes to reach a goal, finds unthinkable resources within himself. (p. 219) ==''Dell'amore e del dolore delle donne''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi, ''Dell'amore e del dolore delle donne'', Einaudi, Torino, 2010. ISBN 978-88-06-20133-3</small> ===[[w:Incipit|Incipit]]=== «Even as a child, I sensed that that very singular smile represented a strange, small victory for every woman. Yes, an ephemeral revenge on dashed hopes, on the coarseness of men, on the rarity, in this world, of beautiful and true things. If I had known then, I would have called that way of smiling "femininity"». It is the incipit of a beautiful book by [[w:Andreï Makine|Andreï Makine]], The French Testament, and could be for many men the description of one of the most intense memories each carries within: a woman's smile. For me, my mother's. ===Quotes=== *Sex is everywhere today: on the front pages of newspapers, on magazine covers, in advertisements, online, on all television channels. There is an ostentation, almost an obsession, which hides a fearsome void in my opinion. It is as if in the era following sexual liberation, after years of cultural struggles against obscurantism, sex was by no means a natural integration of male-female relationships. On the contrary, it returns to being the symbol of transgression, and intrigues only if it is forbidden, exaggerated, maniacal, magical, or even virtual. And from here to becoming an instrument of blackmail and violence, the step is short. The reason for this situation is first and foremost biological, and it is the price of equality between the sexes, an achievement that attenuates gender differences and weakens the spontaneous attraction that ignites sexual desire. (p. 53) *([[Margherita Hack]]) She is the icon of free thought and nonconformism [...]. (p. 70) *Yet I am against abortion. We all are, I believe: there is no person who is not ideally opposed to terminating a pregnancy, because it is an act against nature (in the sense that it opposes the genetic imperative of reproduction [...]) and because it produces traumatic consequences from a psychological point of view. But condemning abortion with a law, making it illegal, does not prevent abortions from happening. [...] Voluntary abortion is a serious event, but clandestine abortion is a tragedy: therefore, offering a woman the opportunity to have a legal and controlled abortion corresponds to the choice of the «lesser evil». And so, within this lesser evil, the RU486 pill method –which I have supported since the first mentions of the possibility of its introduction in Italy– is the best choice, because it is the least painful for women. (pp. 98-99) *[We doctors] Wear the mask of conviviality on our faces –to reassure, encourage, give hope– and carry within us the nihilism of the helpless witness in the face of tragedy. (p. 104) ==''Essere laico''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi and Alain Elkann, ''Essere laico'', Bompiani, Milano, 2007. ISBN 88-452-5953-6 ([http://books.google.it/books?id=eH5YzyXlnc4C&printsec=frontcover&hl=it#v=onepage&q&f=false Preview on Google Books])</small> *Children are immortality. Children will have more children and therefore life never ends. Our body dies, but our DNA continues. *Children have the same flesh, the same metabolism, and so on. Death is only that of the body. *There is much to believe: the strength of human values that the brain has progressively developed over the millennia to achieve ethical consciousness. *I consider it a shame not to keep a commitment, to take an incorrect and ethically illegitimate action towards another person. *I don't think I've been a successful man, because when I was a recent graduate and first set foot at the Cancer Institute, I was counting, with a whole life ahead of me, on winning cancer. Instead, cancer is not defeated. *We are here only by chance, purely by chance. *Early man, lacking knowledge to explain the phenomena around him, was naturally inclined to conceive of a higher power. Today there is no longer any need for religions. *Moving away from religion has made me mature. *Humans are the result of the [[evolutionism|evolution]], which lasted millions of years, from the first amino acid molecule to us. *Psychologically, I believe we are the product of a number of dilemmas that for centuries we have perceived and left unresolved. First of all, the difficulty in understanding the meaning of life, that is, why we are on this earth. *I believe that big choices should be made in conditions of total awareness. Enlisting a newborn in any religion is a subtle abuse for me. :*Quoted in Raffaele Carcano, Adele Orioli, ''Uscire dal gregge'', Luca Sossella editore, 2008, p. 169. ISBN 9788889829646. ==''Perché dobbiamo essere vegetariani''== :<small>Umberto Veronesi, ''Perché dobbiamo essere vegetariani'', in Umberto Veronesi, [[Mario Pappagallo]], ''Verso la scelta vegetariana: il tumore si previene anche a tavola'', Giunti, Firenze, 2011. ISBN 978-88-09-76687-7</small> ===[[w:Incipit|Incipit]]=== Vegetarianism, understood as the refusal to eat animal meat, has been present since the dawn of our thought. It was originally mostly considered by ancient philosophies and religions to be a form of elevation from material to spiritual experience. Even in ancient Egypt, priests abstained from meat and fish throughout their service to the deities, so that the body, the shell of the soul, did not oppress it. In the schools of the Pythagorean philosophers of ancient Greece, all flesh was abstained from because it was considered an obstacle to the vigilance of the mind and the purity of thought. ===Quotes=== *Being vegetarian is the expression of a philosophy of life that excludes all forms of bullying and always privileges respect for all living beings. There is also an ethical conscience, an awareness of the principles of environmental sustainability, a desire to express love for the planet, and a culture of nonviolence. (pp. 8-9) *Always, as soon as I've been able to choose my food, I don't touch a bite of meat and, in fact, the more time passes, the more the idea itself repels me. I don't doubt that its taste can be pleasant. But can the criterion of goodness of taste ethically justify every act by which we procure food for ourselves? An episode comes to mind that tells the story of the adventures of the famous explorer David Livingstone. During his African expeditions he meets an elderly woman from an anthropophagous tribe who tastefully bites a child's little finger. Livingstone is horrified by the scene, asks her how a woman, probably a mother and grandmother, can commit such an act, and the cannibal's response, which even seems to show some amazement, is: "If only he knew how good it is!" (p. 9) *Meat consumption is the primary factor responsible for food injustice and causes half the world to fall ill and die from too much food and the other half from its scarcity. (p. 13) *[...] in general, 30% of cancers are due to a diet too high in animal fats. Furthermore, some forms, such as intestinal cancer, are directly related to meat consumption while others, such as endometrial cancer, are linked to obesity. (p. 20) We know that the vegetarian diet makes us live better and longer, that it brings us into harmony with the environment in the present, and that it is a better guarantee for our children's future. (p. 22) *Many vegetarians wonder whether it is right from a health perspective to eliminate meat from their children's diets, fearing that some substances in the carnivorous diet are essential for their growth. It's an understandable fear, but unfounded. (p. 23) Vegetarianism is a health defense that immediately proves effective: some studies have observed that children who follow a vegetarian menu become less ill as early as kindergarten, because they have better immune defenses than omnivores, who follow a diet that promotes a stronger inflammatory response. (p. 23) *The typical American diet, rich in meat and low in other foods, produces an accumulation of sex hormones in children that lead them to increasingly anticipate sexual maturation, even at the age of eight. Vegetarian girls, on the other hand, typically menstruate later than omnivores, and this in adulthood is a protective factor against cancer. (p. 23) ===Interviews=== :'''<small>''[https://www.ok-salute.it/alimentazione/veronesi-una-regola-doro-mangiare-meno Veronesi: «Una regola d'oro, mangiare meno»]'', ''OK salute e benessere'', 14 October 2009</small>''' *The risk of cancer is proportional to the amount of food you put in: more food, more risks. *Humans are primates, that is, they are modified monkeys, and they have retained their fundamental metabolic characteristics. Primates have been and are vegetarians [...]. *[...] the so-called Mediterranean diet, based on vegetables, fruit, and pasta, traditional for centuries in Italy, has proven effective in preventing cardiovascular disease, obesity, diabetes, and cancer. The return to a Mediterranean-style diet has contributed, together with more effective drugs, to a decrease in cardiovascular disease mortality. *The Mediterranean diet is the exact opposite of the consumerist attitude of our «fluent» society. Rather, it is a philosophy of life and eating behavior and essentially consists of eating little, parically, Franciscanly, trying above all to abandon the unnatural condition of omnivorous (and therefore also carnivorous) animals in favor of a return to our ancient anthropologically vegetarian history. :'''<small>From an interview by Dariio Cresto-Dina, ''[http://espresso.repubblica.it/visioni/scienze/2015/03/13/news/umberto-veronesi-essere-vegetariani-e-una-conquista-di-civilta-1.203888 Umberto Veronesi: "Essere vegetariani è una conquista di civiltà"]'', ''l'Espresso'', 19 March 2015</small>''' *I consider vegetarianism a cultural achievement and a sign of civilization. Vegetarians feel like citizens of the Earth, because they don't have to kill and massacre its inhabitants to meet their basic need for food. Vegetarian pride is similar to that felt by Greeks who belonged to the first philosophical schools, and in fact, convinced vegetarians, from [[Leonardo da Vinci]] to the [[Beatles]], have made their choice a banner, indicating a certain vision of the world: with less violence, less death, more conscience, and more sense of individual responsibility. *[[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was probably the first to also define vegetarianism as a necessity for the survival of humanity, linking personal food choices to the balance of the planet's resources. *[...] vegetarianism is a choice of respect for the environment and responsibility towards man's future. But above all it is a choice of love for life and for animals. I realize it's hard to think of the terrible pain animals suffer when eating meat: how can we imagine that that thin, well-cooked slice they present on our plate was just a few days earlier a calf scurrying through the meadows next to its mother? Even less easy is to visualize the torture he suffered in the slaughterhouse. *[...] I recommend to everyone the book that has now become the cult of vegetarianism: If Nothing Matters [...], in which the American author explains why she went from carnivore to vegetarian. The central theme is the violence perpetrated daily against farm animals and the reflection on the consequences that this terrible pain has on human life. :'''<small>From an interview by Dario Cresto-Dina, ''[http://www.repubblica.it/cultura/2015/11/22/news/umberto_veronesi_io_non_ho_paura_-127906220/ Umberto Veronesi: "Io non ho paura"]'', ''repubblica.it'', 2 November 2015</small>''' *[Whether he would be willing to resort to euthanasia] Without the slightest hesitation. If an illness deprived me of my dignity as a person I would ask for euthanasia. I also made the living will that contains my wishes on the end of my life, in case I was unable to express them in person. *[If he ever had second thoughts about abandoning faith] Losing God forced me to seek moral values within myself. They are enough to give me strength. Ethical commitment is the only thing God left me. I have not had and will not have any second thoughts, but I have continued to study religions. *I consider death a biological duty and imperative. Since I was a boy I thought that life must end and has no metaphysical dimension. He who believes in the absolute finitude of life is always ready to die. There is no need to forgive or ask for forgiveness of sins or redeem oneself to ensure a good sojourn in the afterlife. If our ideas are our immortality, with our life of thought, every day we prepare to die. *[If you consider yourself a provocateur] I am not a provocateur unless by provoking you mean inducing a different view of things that is detached from the clichés and most popular positions. [...] You see, there's a double common thread that ties all my thought struggles together. The first is the need to shatter acquired legacies and truths to develop a system of ideas and values of one's own. The second is the belief that all phenomena have a cause and only by acting on the causes can even the most painful and tragic situations be resolved. This is also the meaning of my words about Is. Opposing violence to violence only fuels a spiral of blood, death, and fear. Exactly what the Is wants. Instead, it is necessary to understand the reasons for jihadist madness and intervene on these after having legitimized them, but decoded them. *[On his consideration of sex] Sex is a positive and indispensable vital expression. Besides being, I repeat, an imperative of DNA, which commands us to reproduce. == External links == {{similar links}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Veronesi, Umberto}} [[Category:1925 births]] [[Category:2016 deaths]] [[Category:Politicians from Italy]] [[Category:Medical scientists]] [[Category:Physicians from Italy]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:People from Milan]] [[Category:Social democrats]] teitmqpmm8zb2i0fappiwmyp07plmqp 0 196892 3955271 3951847 2026-06-22T10:32:38Z ~2026-29117-15 3321561 Revised the funding spiels to make them more like the original broadcasts. 3955271 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Reading Rainbow|Reading Rainbow]]''''' is an American Television show that aired on [[w:PBS Kids|PBS Kids]]. It was hosted by [[w:Levar Burton|Levar Burton]] and focused on helping children learn to read books. The show was aimed at elementary school children, and middle school children, and from ages 5 to 12. {{tv-stub}} ==Catchphrase== :'''Levar Burton''': But, You don't have to take my word for it. :'''Levar Burton''': I'll see you next time! :'''Levar Burton''': Today's Reading Rainbow books are..... ==Season 14== ===Episode 7 - The Tin Forest=== :'''Levar Burton''': It's a beautiful morning in downtown Manhattan. From the way it looks, It's a typical day. In a typical neighborhood. But this neighborhood is not typical at all in here. Because right behind me is what they call it ground zero. It was here that on September 11, 2001, a terrible tragedy happened. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Centre twin towers that used to be right there. The buildings are not there anymore because they collapsed and it was very dangerous and frightening times. ==Funding Spiels== ===Opening=== :'''Announcer (kid)''': Reading Rainbow is made possible by grants from the Carnegie Corporation of New York, the National Science Foundation, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, this station and other Public Television Stations, and by a grant from Kellogg's, who reminds you to take time each day for reading. ===Closing=== :'''Announcer (kid)''': Funding for Reading Rainbow is made possible by a grant from Kellogg's, who urges you to explore the joys of reading. Funding for the series was also provided by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, this station and other Public Television Stations, the Carnegie Corporation of New York, and the National Science Foundation. == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1980s American children's TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American children's TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American children's TV shows]] [[Category:American children's adventure TV shows‎]] [[Category:American children's education TV shows]] [[Category:American children's fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:PBS shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] mxobqrc1uq0jtbvviper8a7t650knli 0 214002 3955107 3950947 2026-06-21T17:25:04Z Tim3455 3133526 /* DuckTales */ Let's Get Dangerous from the reboot of DuckTales is a 1-hour mid-season event, so Darkwing ducks catchphrase should be the last line of the first half of season 3! 3955107 wikitext text/x-wiki ==Animated TV shows== * '''You're coming with me, punk!''' **Who: Ron the Rent-a-Cop **Source: ''[[6teen]]'' (2004-2010) *'''Oh yeah!''' **Who: Shermy **Source: ''[[Adventure Time]]'' (2010-2018) *'''Being Choose Goose is no lark... especially now that I'm turning dark.''' **Who: Choose Goose **Source: ''[[Adventure Time: Distant Lands]]'' (2020-2021) *'''That's right, be afraid! Be very afraid! And tell all your cold-blooded friends there's plenty more where that came from!''' **Who: Baby Eddie **Source: ''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2002-2006) *'''With all that being said and done, Abby is out there living her best life. And here, I'm just Pomni.''' **Who: Pomni **Source: ''[[The Amazing Digital Circus]]'' (2023-2026) *Oh no. It's started. [screaming] **Who: Rob **Source: ''[[The Amazing World of Gumball]]'' (2011-2019) *Trust me. There's something magical about you too. **Who: Jake Long **Source: ''[[American Dragon: Jake Long]]'' (2005-2007) **Notes: The closing credits to this episode views clips from the show's previous episodes. * I am... I... I think as we are very tired, we should go down to the pond for a drink. Then we'll go back to our nests and burrows and sleep. We can explore our big new park tomorrow. And then we will plan how to live together in perfect peace and harmony. In the true spirits of Farthing Wood. **Who: Plucky **Source: ''[[The Animals of Farthing Wood (TV series)|The Animals of Farthing Wood]]'' (1993-1995) *Mechana can we do it? *We Animal Mechanical can! **Who: Animal Mechanicals **Source: ''[[Animal Mechanicals]]'' (2007-2011) **Note: End of every episode catchphrase. *I am the dirt under your nails, cupcake. Nothing's gonna clean me out. **Who: Violet "Vi" **Source: ''[[Arcane]]'' (2021-2024) *"Chapter one: how I got my very first pair of glasses…" **Who: Adult Arthur **Source: ''[[Arthur (TV series)|Arthur]]'' (1996-2022) *Well, I think you all look ''perfect''. **Who: Toph Beifong ** Source: ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]'' (2005-2008) *You wanted to know how history will remember the Avengers, Iron Man? Well, here's your answer. **Who: Captain America **Source: ''[[The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes]]'' (2010-2013) *Where shall I begin? **Who: [[w:Babar the Elephant|King Babar]] **Source: ''[[Babar (TV series)|Babar]]'' (1989–2000) *Fine, but don't blame me if dinner is late! I'd like to see you cook a meal in your arms where your legs should be! Maybe I'll go on the Goraldo Show, he'll believe me about the aliens! I can't find my tush! **Who: Nora Beady **Source: ''[[Back at the Barnyard]]'' (2007-2011) *Mini-muffin? **Who: Tasha and Austin **Source: ''[[The Backyardigans]]'' (2004-2010) *We got the coolest clubhouse. *We? *Yeah, Junior Justice League. Team division. *Nice try. **Who: Robin, Batgirl and Batman **Source: ''[[The Batman]]'' (2004-2008) *A great run. And until we meet again boys and girls, know that wherever evil lurks in all its myriad forms, I'll be there with the hammers of justice to fight for decency, and defend the innocent. Goodnight. **Who: Batman **Source: ''[[Batman: The Brave and the Bold]]'' (2008-2011) *I love you too, son. This message will self-destruct in 3...2...1... **Who: [[w:Fred Jones (Scooby-Doo)|Fred Jones]] (reading a letter from his father) **Source: ''[[Be Cool, Scooby-Doo!]]'' (2015-2018) *P2, going down. **Who: Elevator Announcer **Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]'' (1993-97; 2011) *The End! **Who: Beetlejuice **Source: ''[[Beetlejuice (TV series)|Beetlejuice]]'' (1989–1991) *Bravo, Batman. Checkmate. Shall we play again? **Who: Anarky **Source: ''[[Beware the Batman]]'' (2013-2014) *Bacon Berry? Guys, guys! You gotta check this out! **Who: Lettie **Source: ''[[Big Blue]]'' (2021-2022) *Ba-a-la-la-la-la. **Who: Baymax **Source: ''[[Big Hero 6: The Series]]'' (2017-2021) *Welcome to Taco Shack. May I take your order? **Who: Taco Shack Employee **Source: ''[[Billy Dilley's Super-Duper Subterranean Summer]]'' (2017) **Note: Cancelled after one season due to poor ratings. *Riley, run! **Who: Huey Freeman **Source: ''[[The Boondocks]]'' (2005-2014) *Yeah. This is nice. **Who: BoJack Horseman **Source: ''[[BoJack Horseman]]'' (2014-2020) *Never mind, I can't wait. **Who: Brandy Harrington **Source: ''[[Brandy & Mr. Whiskers]]'' (2004-2006) *Yup, yup! Let us swim to freedom! **Who: Buhdeuce **Source: ''[[Breadwinners]]'' (2014-2016) *I'm stuck in a tree! **Who: Bunsen **Source: ''[[Bunsen Is a Beast]]'' (2017-2018) **Note: Series cancelled after one season due to declining ratings and Butch Hartman leaving Nickelodeon. *Everybody who loves Tea Party Land, say "I"! I! Okay, who's up for a crumpet? **Who: Pupert Pesky **Source: ''[[The Buzz on Maggie]]'' (2005-2006) *Sometimes change is good. Having a new teacher turned out to be a lot of fun. **Who: Narrator **Source: ''[[Caillou]]'' (1997-2010) *Please tell me we go home alone with her? **Who: McGee **Source: ''[[Camp Lakebottom]]'' (2013-2017) *Okay. I think it's just officially got to the point where it can't get any weirder. **Who: Samson *(in-credits:) Uh, yeah... okay. **Who: Stanley **Source: ''[[Camp Lazlo]]'' (2005-2008) *That's the magic of meat! **Who: Johnny Meatseed **Source: ''[[CatDog]]'' (1998-2005) *''[laughing]'' Yeah. **Who: Sally **Source: ''The Cat In The Hat Knows A Lot About That!'' (2010-2018) *Hey hoo cha, birdie bird wa, stinky dinky dinky dinky doo, yeah!!! **Who: Mr. Blik, Gordon and Waffle **Source: ''[[Catscratch]]'' (2005-2007) *Hello, anybody, hello? **Who: Snap **Source: ''[[ChalkZone]]'' (2002-2008) *Stop it, Zouzou. You're suppose to be a watch dog, not a kiss dog! ''[laughs]'' **Who: Charley **Source: ''[[Charley and Mimmo]]'' (1999–2002) *I have saved a fucking gorilla today, I also talked a very special idiot out of willing himself dead, and now, just because I'm too hairy in some places and too bald in other places, you can't find it in your putrid little heart to want to get to know me sexually? [Laughs sarcastically] What's wrong with me? What is wrong with you? I am magical! **Who: Frank **Source: ''[[China, IL]]'' (2011-2015) *Babies, no! Put Scraps down! **Who: Adult Chowder *(post-credits:) Oh, radda. **Who: Shnitzel **Source: ''[[Chowder (TV series)|Chowder]]'' (2007-2010) *Yes! **Who: Clarence Wendle **Source: ''[[Clarence (American TV series)|Clarence]]'' (2014-2018) *Enjoy the moment, Jay. For the future is no longer foretold. **Who: Cronus **Source: ''[[Class of the Titans]]'' (2005-2008) *What?! This is your fault! **Who: Lil' D **Source: ''[[Class of 3000]]'' (2006-2008) *We are dumb. **Who: Donna Tubbs-Brown **Source: ''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' (2009–2013) **Note: Ended after four seasons due to declining ratings and due to Cleveland and his new family moving back to Quahog near the end of Season 12 of Family Guy. *Already with the excuses. **Who: Bridgette **Source: ''[[Close Enough]]'' (2020-2022) *Hello? Yeah. We told him everything he wanted to hear. We'll meet you in the moonbase, okay? Oh! And Numbuh 1... Welcome back. **Who: Adult Abigail Lincoln (Numbuh 5) *(post-credits:) Stay young. **Who: None **Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door]]'' (2002-2008) **Notes: The final credits roll with a short montage of every episode from beginning to finish, ending with a picture of Sector V looking at the sunset outside the treehouse with the actual final lines read above them, "Stay Young". *What more could a bear ask for? **Who: [[w:Corduroy (book)|Corduroy]] **Source: ''[[Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy]]'' (2000-2001) *Perfect! **Who: The Perfectionist (offscreen) **Source: ''[[Courage the Cowardly Dog]]'' (1999–2002) *I'll see you tomorrow. **Who: Craig Williams **Source: ''[[Craig of the Creek]]'' (2018-2025) *That's right, Cubix. We're friends. Friends forever. **Who: Connor **Source: ''[[Cubix: Robots for Everyone]]'' (2001-2003) *Thanks, Dan. **Who: Little Chris **Source: ''[[Dan Vs.]]'' (2011-2013) *Cool statue. Personally, I would've used recycled materials, but, you know, that's just me. **Who: Sam Manson **Source: ''[[Danny Phantom]]'' (2004-2007) *I take it back. **Who: Jane **Source: ''[[Daria]]'' (1997-2002) *Come on, Eep. The moon's looking at me funny again. We need to go smash his face! **Who: Grug Crood **Source: ''[[Dawn of the Croods]]'' (2015-2017) *I'm saying there's hope for Harleen yet. **Who: Barbara "Babs" Gordon/Batgirl **Source: ''[[DC Super Hero Girls (TV series)|DC Super Hero Girls]]'' (2019–2021) *I can do anything with my best friends on my side. **Who: Dottie "Doc" McStuffins **Source: ''[[Doc McStuffins]]'' (2012-2020) *Oh yeah. Hehehe. Anybody wanna dance? **Who: Donkey Kong **Source: ''[[Donkey Kong Country]]'' (1998-2000) *It's a perfect name! **Who: Enrique **Source: ''[[Dragon Tales]]'' (1999–2005) *Hey, assholes, thanks for watching! **Who: [[w:List of Drawn Together characters#Toot Braunstein|Toot Braunstein]] **Source: ''[[Drawn Together]]'' (2004-2007) *First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth! **Who: Lee *(post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie? **Who: Jonny **Source: ''[[Ed Edd n Eddy]]'' (1999–2009) *Familia forever! **Who: El Tigre **Source: ''[[El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera]]'' (2007-2008) *I am. **Who: Elena **Source: ''[[Elena of Avalor]]'' (2016-2020) *Remember, friends help friends solve problems. See you next time! **Who: [[w:Elliot Moose|Elliot Moose]] **Source: ''[[Elliot Moose (TV series)|Elliot Moose]]'' (1998-2000) *Hmm. Maybe being emperor won't be so bad after all. **Who: Kuzco *(post-credits:) KUZCO!! **Who: Yzma **Source: ''[[The Emperor's New School]]'' (2006-2008) *What? **Who: Gull *Awww! **Who: The Crowd **Source: ''[[:Endangered Species (TV series)|Endangered Species]]'' *Guys, I just decoded a video record of last night's crazy mad cap adventures, and hijinx and things of this nature! Check it! **Who: Dollarnator **Source: ''[[:Fanboy & Chum Chum]]'' *Happy Friendaversary! **Who: [[w:Timmy Tiberius Turner|Timmy Turner]] and Chloe Carmichael **Source: ''[[The Fairly OddParents|The Fairly OddParents!]]'' (2001-2017) **Note: Ended after ten seasons due to Butch Hartman leaving Nickelodeon and due to declining ratings. *Oh. **Who: Ruff Ruffman *I love you guys! **Who: Emmie Atwood **Source: ''[[Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman]]'' (2006-2010) *I'm king of the world! King of the world! **Who: Milo Fishtooth **Source: ''[[Fish Hooks]]'' (2010-2014) *Okay, bye doggies! **Who: Cheese **Source: ''[[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends]]'' (2004-2009) *Come on, Franklin. **Who: Beaver **Source: ''[[Franklin (TV series)|Franklin]]'' (1997-2004) *You're an evil man! **Who: Norm Abram **Source: ''[[Freakazoid!]]'' (1995-1997) *What a great day! **Who: Kiki **Source: ''[[Fresh Beat Band of Spies]]'' (2014-2016) *Welcome home, Goliath. Welcome home. **Who: Elisa Maza **Source: ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)|Gargoyles]]'' (1994–1996) *One thousand years ago, we lived in a world that understood our purpose. It was the age of Gargoyles. Ten centuries later, we awoke to a world bent on our destruction. Somehow, we never lost hope, and today we come full circle. A new age has begun, and we live again. **Who: Goliath **Source: ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)#Season 3 (The Goliath Chronicles) -- (Non-Cannon)|Gargoyles: The Goliath Chronicles]]'' (1996–1997) *Yes, there is. **Who: Agent Six **Source: ''[[Generator Rex]]'' (2010-2013) *Knowing Razer, I'd say he's got a pretty good shot. **Who: Hal Jordan **Source: ''[[Green Lantern: The Animated Series]]'' (2011-2013) *Thanks for coming out, everyone! **Who: Cory Riffin, Kin Kujira, Kon Kujira, and Laney Penn **Source: ''[[Grojband]]'' (2013-2015) *'''It's not the attic, you buffoon! Look, this goes against all of my programming, but there's something you need to know. There's one list item Hailey's never told you about.''' **Who: Beta **Source: ''[[Hailey's On It!]]'' (2023-2024) **Note: Cancelled after one season and ended on a cliffhanger despite critical acclaim. *'''Nah, let them have this.''' **Who: Male Alien **Source: ''[[Hamster & Gretel]]'' (2022-2025) *'''Yeah. You found each other. When a friend comes into your life, it changes you a little. They challenge you. They make you laugh. They make you stronger. Each person gives you a gift. A special part of them that you keep forever. It's like they're always with you.''' **Who: Irving Beaks **Source: ''[[Harvey Beaks]]'' (2015-2017) *He's never gonna hear the end of it, isn't he? **Who: Rhonda Lloyd **Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!]]'' (1996-2004) *'''Sorry, I didn't mean-- I'd take it back! Mmm, charred marshmallow flesh. Whoa! N-n-no! I didn't say that. No, it wasn't me. That wasn't someone, who else? Get off this ship, you're not welcome.''' **Who: Nerville **Source: ''[[The High Fructose Adventures of Annoying Orange]]'' (2012-2014) *Oh, she's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. This is the life...or more less. **Who: Kaz Harada **Source: ''[[Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi]]'' (2004-2006) *That's a wrap! **Who: Father Time **Source: ''[[Histeria!]]'' (1998-2000) *I feels very at home. **Who: Oh **Source: ''[[Home: Adventures with Tip & Oh]]'' (2016-2018) *I could go for tapas… **Who: Brendan **Source: ''[[Home Movies (TV series)|Home Movies]]'' (1999–2004) *Oh, Mickey! **Who: Minnie Mouse **Source: ''[[w:House of Mouse|House of Mouse]]'' (2001-2003) *I love you too, Bertie! **Who: Arlo Beauregard **Source: ''I Heart Arlo'' (2021) *Get out of the house of Zim! This is my house, get out! Get- **Who: Zim **Source: ''[[Invader Zim]]'' (2001-2006) *Why not?! You weren't using it! You're always too busy fighting wizards! **Who: Drago **Source: ''[[Jackie Chan Adventures]]'' (2000-2005) *That was brilliant! Thank ye, mates! See you next time! **Who: John Darling **Source: ''[[Jake and the Never Land Pirates]]'' (2011-2016) *Yes! **Who: Fred Fredburger **Source: ''[[Jellystone!]]'' (2021-2025) *[cries] I don't have a tin cup to rattle at the bars! [yelling angrily] '''TWO-SHOOOOOEEEEES!!!''' **Who: Lucius [Offscreen] **Source: ''[[Jimmy Two-Shoes]]'' (2009–2012) *You're wrong Mr. Teacherman, this is Porkbelly. Where we make our own history. **Who: [[w:List_of_Johnny_Test_characters#Johnny Test|Johnny Test]] **Source: ''[[Johnny Test]]'' (2005-2014) *You bet, pal! **Who: Kick Buttowski **Source: ''[[Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil]]'' (2010-2012) **Note: Cancelled after two seasons due to poor ratings. *I told you graduation wasn't the end of the world. **Who: Kim Possible *(post-credits) Glad you asked! Funny story - not funny "ha-ha". But, it was a Tuesday... **Who: Dr. Drakken **Source: ''[[Kim Possible]]'' (2002-2007) *'''Are you ready, dino buddy? Once upon a time, there was a brave knight...''' **Who: Tej **Source: ''[[Kindergarten: The Musical|Kindergarten: The Musical!]]'' (2024-2025) **Note: Cancelled after one season. *Yup! **Who: Hank Hill (original run) **Source: ''[[King of the Hill]]'' (1997-2010) **Note: Revival announced for 2025. *Duck! **Who: Arnold **Source: ''[[Kipper (TV series)|Kipper]]'' (1997-2000) *Hey everybody, Let's hear it for the Dragon Warrior! Huzzah, huzzah... **Who: Lu Kang and the citizens **Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness]]'' (2011-2016) *There you go! **Who: Littlefoot **Source: ''[[The Land Before Time (TV series)|The Land Before Time]]'' (2007-2008) *Sounds perfect. **Who: Korra **Source: ''[[The Legend of Korra]]'' (2012-2014) *Now is a time of celebration. We have won a great victory. But when the glow has faded, we must remember the cost, and we must be forever vigilant. The message of hate that Mordred carried will come again with a different name, a different face. But as long as we keep the ideals of Camelot alive in our hearts, we will prevail. Long live honor, and justice. Long live goodness, and truth. Long live... Camelot! **Who: King Arthur **Source: ''[[The Legend of Prince Valiant]]'' (1991-1993) *Evil does not die. It evolves. **Who: Brainiac 6 **Source: ''[[Legion of Super Heroes]]'' (2006-2008) *Change can happen anytime, Carmen. If you ever wanted to start working harder to bring love and harmony to the world, remember, there's always tomorrow. **Who: Luna the Moon **Source: ''[[Let's Go Luna!]]'' (2018-2022) *You have to catch up with it yourself. **Who: Benjamin Franklin **Source: ''[[Liberty's Kids]]'' (2002-2003) *I love you too, Stitch. **Who: Lilo Pelekai **Source: ''[[Lilo & Stitch: The Series]]'' (2003-2006) *Little Bill, who are you talking to? **Who: Brenda Glover **Source: ''[[Little Bill]]'' (1999–2004) *See you on the next mission! **Who: Leo **Source: ''Little Einsteins'' (2005-2010) **Note: End-of-every episode catchphrase. *I can't believe they canceled our show and put this on instead. **Who: Lulu Moppet **Source: ''[[The Little Lulu Show]]'' (1995-1999) *'''Someday, kiddo. Someday.''' **Who: Roger Baxter **Source: ''[[Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)|Littlest Pet Shop]]'' (2012-2016) **Note: Cancelled due to poor toy sales. Succeeded by the reboot ''A World Of Our Own''. *Go ahead, Eddie. I understand. **Who: Lloyd Nebulon **Source: ''[[w:Lloyd in Space|Lloyd in Space]]'' (2001-2004) *Daffy! Get those legs up! **Who: Granny **Source: ''Baby Looney Tunes'' (2001-2005) **Note: Canceled due to poor ratings and negative reviews. It was succeeded by ''[[The Looney Tunes Show]]'' in 2011. *Ain't I a stinker? **Who: Bugs Bunny as Batman *And that's the end. **Who: [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] (Post-credits) **Source: ''[[The Looney Tunes Show]]'' (2011-2014) *I just call "dibs" on his fish flakes. **Who: A fish **Source: ''[[Mad (TV series)|MAD]]'' (2010-2013) *Hooray for Maggie! **Who: Beast, Hamilton Hocks, Rudy, Nedley, and the Jellybean Team **Source: ''[[Maggie and the Ferocious Beast]]'' (2000-2002) *Yut is pleased by attention! **Who: Mister Yut **Source: ''Littlest Pet Shop: A World of Our Own'' (2018-19) **Note: Cancelled after one season. *Leave me alone, or I will call my fiend back! **Who: Vendetta **Source: ''[[Making Fiends (TV series)|Making Fiends]]'' (2008) **Note: Cancelled after one season. *'''I'm the luckiest one here. I have two families! Now about that turkey...''' **Who: Martha **Source: ''[[Martha Speaks (TV series)|Martha Speaks]]'' (2008-2014) *I guess we will, baby. I guess we will. **Who: Bubbie **Source: ''[[The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack]]'' (2008-2010) *So even though things didn't go exactly like they were supposed to, that matinee turned out to be one of our best shows ever. Now that's teamwork. What can I say, Mom and Dad? We're a real class act. **Who: Eddy Largo **Source: ''[[Marvin the Tap-Dancing Horse]]'' (2000-2002) *'''It's a funny thing about making a commitment. Even though sometimes you don't want to follow through. Once you do, you're glad you did.''' **Who: Maya Santos **Source: ''[[Maya & Miguel]]'' (2004-2007) *Now, let's see what kind of new stuff the evil me put in Megas. Woo! Yeah, Wah-hoo! Yeah! Wa, ha, ha! **Who: Harold "Coop" Cooplowski **Source: ''[[Megas XLR]]'' (2004-2005) *I believe that you would, Slick. Now how about a hand? **Who: Agent K **Source: ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2001) *See you later! **Who: Squishella **Source: ''[[Mermicorno: Starfall]]'' (2025) *See ya real soon! **Who: Mickey Mouse **Note: Catchphrase that ends every episode of Season 1. *Aw, thanks for stopping by! **Who: Mickey Mouse **Note: Catchphrase that ends almost every episode of Seasons 2-4. *Aw, thanks for stopping by. Good night, everybody. **Who: Mickey Mouse (original run) **Source: ''[[Mickey Mouse Clubhouse]]'' (2006-2016) **Note: Official last line of the series, because the series got cancelled after four seasons due to poor ratings. It was succeeded by ''Mickey and the Roadster Racers'', and later a revival was announced for 2025. *See you next time! Ha ha ha! **Who: Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, or Funny the Funhouse **Source: ''[[Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse Funhouse]]'' (2021-2025) *Oh, Haps! I don't know if you can see from your side, but I just skywrote 'Bessie and Happy BFFAEAE' and it looks really great! **Who: Bessie Higgenbottom **Source: ''[[The Mighty B!]]'' (2008-2011) *Don't worry about it. **Who: Witchy Simone **Source: ''[[Mighty Magiswords]]'' (2016-2019) *'''I think we're gonna need a new ship.''' **Who: Milo Murphy **Source: ''[[Milo Murphy's Law]]'' (2016-2019) **Note: Either on hiatus or cancelled after two seasons due to poor ratings. *Weddings, Priya. They do something to you. **Who: Mira **Source: ''Mira, Royal Detective'' (2020-2022) *Aw, man. There goes my timeslot. **Who: Ned **Source: ''The Misfortune of Being Ned'' (2013-2014) **Note:Only a 1-minute web series but cancelled on Annoying Orange in the YouTube Channel. *'''Y'see? Sometimes one small Mixel is all it takes. Yup, Mixopolis is my town. And always will be.''' **Who: Booger **Source: ''[[Mixels]]'' (2014-2016) *'''You go, Moon Girl!''' **Who: The Beyonder **Source: ''[[Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur]]'' (2023-2025) *'''Beverly!''' **Who: Sheriff **Source: ''[[Momma Named Me Sheriff]]'' (2019-2021) *'''Okay, going for the triple bonus.''' **Who: President Hathaway **Source: ''[[w:Monsters vs. Aliens (TV series)|Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2013-2014) *Today's Christmas sermon is about family. What is family? Well, a lot of times, family is just a bunch of people who are forced to be together just because they came out of each other — but every so often...a miracle happens. A loving family, just like that, out of nowhere. Now, what causes this — a belief in God, a strong moral structure, blind luck? Who knows, who cares? Ah, you're not gonna get any answers out of me. I'm just a puppet for the Big Guy. I don't write this stuff. The end — I mean, Amen. Nah, who am I kidding? The End. **Who: Reverend "Rod" Putty **Source: ''[[Moral Orel]]'' (2005-2008) *Oh, freak me out! This is craziness! (US version) *Leave me alone, you ticklish pest! (UK version) **Who: Mr. Bump **Source: ''[[The Mr. Men Show]]'' (2008-2009) *See you later, friends. And thanks for all the laughs. **Who: Kermit **Source: ''[[Muppet Babies (2018 TV series)|Muppet Babies]]'' (2018-2022) *'''You look g-g-great. Mm. Have you a considered a-a bow, though?''' **Who: Solver **Source: ''[[Murder Drones]]'' (2021-2024) *Thanks. **Who: Thunder **Source: ''[[My Friend Rabbit]]'' (2007-2008) *Uh-oh. **Who: Adam Lyon **Source: ''[[My Gym Partner's a Monkey]]'' (2005-2008) *Jenny, did you forget to feed the tiger? **Who: Nora **Source: ''[[My Life as a Teenage Robot]]'' (2003-2009) *Let's bounce! Let's bounce! Oh, yeah! Let's bounce! **Who: Daisy **Source: ''Nature Cat'' (2015-2024) *Monkey King! **Who: Kai-Lan, Hoho, Tolee, and Rintoo **Source: ''Ni Hao, Kai-Lan'' (2007-2011) *Thank you for watching the show! **Who: K.O. **Source: ''[[OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes]]'' (2017-2019) *Good night, Olivia. Time for bed, William! **Who: Mom **Source: ''[[Olivia]]'' (2009–2013) *I have some things to tell you. It's about my backpack. **Who: Ollie Allen **Source: ''[[Ollie's Pack]]'' (2020-2021) *T'dee, t'dee, t'dee, t'dee, t'dee, t'dee! Ted Cruz, folks! **Who: Ted Cruz **Source: ''[[Our Cartoon President]]'' (2018-2020) *Should we tell him we stayed up last night and washed it? *[yawns] Nah. **Who: Peep and Chirp **Source: ''Peep and The Big Wide World'' (2004-2011) *''(translation)'' Phase one is complete, 807612r-B9. Commence Phase two? **Who: The Guardian **Source: ''[[Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero]]'' (2014-2017) *The president cut the strings shorter. Only one foot long! Much safer for everyone. **Who: Peg *Definitely! **Who: Cat **Source: ''Peg + Cat'' (2014-2018) *'''Yes. Yes we do.''' **Who: Phineas Flynn (original run) **Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb]]'' (2007-2015) **Note: Revival announced for 2025. *Tila! **Who: Suki, Axel, Hazel, and Tibor **Source: ''[[Pikwik Pack]]'' (2020-2021) *Poppets away! **Who: Blooter, Patty, and Bobby **Source: ''[[Poppets Town]]'' (2008-2009) *Not just yet. My person calls. I'll see you in the morning. And I'll be on time, I promise. But I'm not skipping breakfast. Because believe me, breakfast with Dot, it's the most important meal of my day. **Who: Lucky **Source: ''[[Pound Puppies (2010 TV series)|Pound Puppies]]'' (2010-2013) *Make a run of yourselves! I'm running away! **Who: Alfe **Source: ''[[The Problem Solverz]]'' (2011-2013) *Let's go! **Who: Bingo and Rolly **Source: ''[[Puppy Dog Pals]]'' (2017-2023) *Nobody ever listens to me. **Who: Zak **Source: ''[[Rabbids Invasion]]'' (2013-2017) *I love you, Rapunzel. **Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]] **Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) *Attention. As you are no doubt aware, the Principal Office is now under my complete control. You're probably looking forward to one of my erudite speeches about me, Megaframe, the new viral dawn, et cetera et cetera. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you. There is no grand scheme here. This is about revenge. Viruses are predatory by design, and it is time for me to follow my function. Prepare yourselves... for the hunt! **Who: Megabyte **Source: ''[[ReBoot]]'' (1994-2001) **Note: Ended after four seasons with no resolution. *Jolly good show. **Who: Pops Maellard **Source: ''[[Regular Show]]'' (2010-2017) *Oh, raggy!!! **Who: Stimpy **Source: ''[[The Ren & Stimpy Show]]'' (1991-1996) *Hello, Fleemco. **Who: Todd and Riley Daring *(post-credits) Thanks for having my back, bro. *Always, sis. Always. **Who: Todd and Riley Daring **Source: ''[[The Replacements (TV series)|The Replacements]]'' (2006-2009) *And we're cancelled. **Who: Dog **Source: ''[[Right Now Kapow]]'' (2016-2017) *Nine hundred bazillion bottles of root beer on the wall... / Nine hundred bazillion bottles of root beer... **Who: Heffer Wolfe **Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' (1993-1996) *No... Ashi... **Who: Jack **Source: ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' (2001-2004; 2017) *Yeah! **Who: Sanjay Patel, Craig Slithers, Megan Sparkles, Hector Flanagan, Ronnie Slithers, and Tuff Fist **Source: ''[[Sanjay and Craig]]'' (2013-2016) *'''I'm happy you're home too, Sofia.''' **Who: Princess Amber **Source: ''[[Sofia the First]]'' (2012-2018) *Don't apologize. I never do. **Who: Norman Osborn **Source: ''[[The Spectacular Spider-Man (TV series)|The Spectacular Spider-Man]]'' (2008-2009) *It has been a long, hard journey. And I think you are finally entitled to some happiness. *Amen to that, lady. Amen to that. **Who: Madame Web and Spider-Man **Source: ''[[Spider-Man (1994 TV series)|Spider-Man]]'' (1994-1998) *Hip-hip hooray! The Super Readers saved the day! **Who: Whyatt Beanstalk **Source: ''[[Super Why!]]'' (2007-2016) **Note: End of every episode catchphrase. *Then let's do this together. **Who: Adora/She-Ra **Source: ''[[She-Ra and the Princesses of Power]]'' (2018-2020) *We'll be sharing from now on! **Who: The Prairie Dogs **Source: ''[[Sheriff Callie's Wild West]]'' (2014-2017) *It was an accident, and accident! **Who: Eric Needles **Source: ''[[Sidekick (TV series)|Sidekick]]'' (2010-2013) *Well, there's always next season. **Who: Dr. Eggman **Source: ''[[Sonic Boom (TV series)]]'' (2014-2017) *Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Okay, team, we gotta go fast! **Who: Sonic **Source: ''[[Sonic Prime]]'' (2022-2024) *Game over butt-nik! **Who: Sonic **Source: ''[[Sonic Underground]]'' (1999) *I may have been small today, but it turned out to be the biggest day of my life. **Who: Oso **Source: ''[[Special Agent Oso]]'' (2009–2012) *It's been said before, but I'll say it again. There's no place like home. **Who: Dennis the Fish **Source: ''[[Stanley (2001 TV series)|Stanley]]'' (2001-2008) *We wait. **Who: Susie **Source: ''[[Summer Camp Island]]'' (2018-2023) **Note: Series unfortunately ended due to the beginning of the COVID-19 Pandemic, succeeded for the third season renewal announcement. *Kimmy? Uh, hello? Kimmy. Umm... Kimmy? **Who: Amber **Source: ''[[Sym-Bionic Titan]]'' (2010-2011) *Umifriend, we couldn't have done it without you. **Who: Milli **Notes: Those are the last spoken words on every episode in Season 1. *I feel a celebration coming on! **Who: Bot **Source: ''[[Team Umizoomi]]'' (2010-2015) **Notes: Those are the last spoken words on every episode (starting with the second season), the actual last line is the final verse of the Umi Shake song: "Mighty, mighty, mighty... MATH POWERS!" *And that's way Floridians... *Should never leave the state! *That's right. *Silly Pete. **Who: Crocodile Grandfather and his two grandchildren **Source: ''[[Teenage Euthanasia]]'' (2021-2023) **Note: Cancelled after two seasons. *Beast Boy to Robin: I'm on my way, over. **Who: Beast Boy **Source: ''[[Teen Titans]]'' (2003-2006) **Note: Cancelled after five seasons. * '''But I still won the race.''' ** Who: Bertie ** The classic series of Thomas & Friends was finally ended. * '''If you don't mind me saying, a Royally Useful Engine.''' ** Who: The Queen ** Source: ''[[Thomas & Friends]]'' (1984-2021) ** The modern series ultimately got cancelled due to poor toy sales; succeeded by its reboot ''All Engines Go''. *The different animals of Third Earth, working together for the first time. You know why? You, Lion-O. You gave them something to believe in. Now, there's still one more stone left. Are we gonna find it or what? **Who: WilyKit **Source: ''[[ThunderCats (2011 TV series)|ThunderCats]]'' (2011-2012) **Note: Cancelled after just one season due to declining ratings. *Eh, one orphan genius is as good as another. **Who: Sister Thornley **Source: ''[[Time Squad]]'' (2001-2003) *Okay, time page. How about some help with my math homework? **Who: Anna **Source: ''[[w:Time Warp Trio|Time Warp Trio]]'' (2005-2006) *It's really good. And Yoko likes (baby beans) burritos. She likes almond cookies too. Can you put an extra one in my lunch box tomorrow and some lettuce for Norman... **Who: Juanita **Source: ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' (2000-2002) *Oh, and send an ambulance, Sarge. An art lover just fainted. **Who: Dibble **Source: ''[[Top Cat]]'' (1961-1962) *You know it, Pipster. Let's flamin-go! **Who: Freddy **Source: ''T.O.T.S.'' (2018-2022) * Starring Ruby Trollman! ** Who: The BFFL ** Source: ''Trollz'' (2005-2007) *Hooray for T.U.F.F.! **Who: Dudley Puppy, Kitty Katswell, Keswick, and Chief Herbert Dumbrowski **Source: ''[[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]'' (2010-2015) *You've got an appointment alright! An appointment with '''''DOOM!!!''''' **Who: Cyril Sneer **Source: ''The Raccoons'' (1985-1991) *One more thing, how about a dance? **Who: Tut **Source: ''[[Tutenstein]]'' (2003-2008) *Suck my balls! (Thanks for watching!) **Who: Manbird **Source: ''[[Ugly Americans]]'' (2010-2012) *'''Aw, yeah!''' **Who: Uncle Grandpa, Mr. Gus, Pizza Steve, Giant Realistic Flying Tiger, Belly Bag and Frankenstein **Source: ''[[Uncle Grandpa]]'' (2013-2017) *'''The Scare B&B will always be a place for everyone, no matter how different you are. Whether you're human, monster, ghost or ghoul. Or someone who's blue with pointy teeth, like me.''' **Who: Vampirina "Vee" Hauntley * '''We love you, Vee!''' **Who: Bridget **Source: ''[[Vampirina]]'' (2017-2021) *Really, Roger? **Who: Larry the Cucumber **Source: ''[[VeggieTales]]'' (1993-2015) *Makes no difference. You've bought me enough time. **Who: Coyolxauhqui **Source: ''Victor and Valentino'' (2019–2022) *To Allura! **Who: Takashi 'Shiro' Shirogane, Keith, Lance, Katie "Pidge" Holt, and Hunk **Source: ''[[Voltron: Legendary Defender]]'' (2016-2018) **Notes: The epilogue reveals what happened to the characters of the show after honoring Allura right before the credits start. *'''Nothing ever changes.''' **Who: Sylvia and Peepers *(in-credits:) '''They'll get what's coming to them.''' **Who: Lord Dominator **Source: ''[[Wander Over Yonder]]'' (2013-2016) **Note: Cancelled after two seasons and ended on an in-credits cliffhanger despite a third season planned. *'''Oh, Todd.''' **Who: Maurecia **Source: ''[[Wayside (TV series)|Wayside]]'' (2007-2008) *'''Monsta X!''' **Who: [[wikipedia:Monsta X|Monsta X]] **Source: ''[[We Bare Bears]]'' (2015-2019) *'''Later days!''' **Who: Everyone **Source: ''[[The Weekenders]]'' (2000-2004) **Note: Catchphrase that Tino uses to end every episode. *I will never forget you, Eliza Thornberry. **Who: Shane G. **Source: ''[[The Wild Thornberrys]]'' (1998-2004) *'''Oh well, I guess I'll just have to eat it myself. Works every time.''' **Who: Gus **Source: ''[[Willa's Wild Life]]'' (2008-2010) *'''Since we’re coming clean, I always knew you were a monkey.''' **Who: Violet **Source: ''[[WordGirl]]'' (2007-2015) *Schlitweitz! **Who: David and Lisa **Source: ''[[The World of David the Gnome]]'' (1987) *Sure! Let's do it! Hey! Wait for me! And my cool tail! **Who: Wubbzy **Source: ''[[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]'' (2006-2010) *Thanks for playing with us. See you next time! *Bye! *Here we go! Yo Gabba Gabba... **Who: DJ Lance (Lance Robertson) and the Gabba gang (Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodee, and Plex) **Source: ''[[Yo Gabba Gabba!]]'' (2007-2015) **Note: End of every episode catchphrase. It was succeeded by the revival ''Yo Gabba Gabbaland!'' in 2024. *Here we go! One, two, three, Yo Gabba Gabba! **Who: Everyone **Source: ''[[Yo Gabba Gabba!#Yo Gabba Gabbaland! 2024 revival series|Yo Gabba GabbaLand!]]'' (2024-present) **Note: End of every episode catchphrase. ===''Hazbin Hotel''=== *Adam is dead. Your deal is done and I'm in charge now. Your brat is threatening the very foundation of Heaven. And if you want to stay here, you're going down there, and stopping that bitch. You understand me...Lilith? **Who: Lute (Season 1) **Source: ''Hazbin Hotel'' (2024-present) ===''Hilda''=== *'''Odds are...she'd do it again.''' **Who: The Wood Man (Season 1) **Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-2023) *'''Where's my daughter?!''' **Who: Johanna (Season 2) **Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-2023) *'''Woo-hoo...Oof!''' **Who: Hilda **Source: ''Hilda and The Mountain King'' (2021) *'''Looks like your stop!''' **Who: Raven (Season 3) **Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-2023) ===''Amphibia''=== * '''Hold on for a little longer girls. I'm coming for you and when I find you, we're gonna get home, but first... I think we're gonna have some fun with this place.''' **Who: Sasha Waybright (Season 1A) **Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019–2022) * '''No, I'm not.''' **Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 1B) **Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019–2022) * '''I have a proposition for you Marcy. And I think you'll find it very interesting.''' **Who: King Andras (Season 2A) **Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019–2022) **Note: Although "A Day at the Aquarium" is the mid-season finale, the mid-season finale that's a non-canon is "The Shut In" which could either be the season premiere or the mid-season finale. If the next episode was the mid-season finale, then the last line would be "Not a holiday! Definitely not a holiday!" by Anne Boonchuy. * '''Home.''' **Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 2B) **Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019–2022) * '''I can't imagine spending the holidays without your family. I know how hard it is to be apart and not know if you'll ever see each other again. So, I'm writing to let you know that your daughter is alive. She's trapped in another world, but I promise, I'm going to bring her back home safe. Signed, a friend.''' **Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 3A) **Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019–2022) **Note: Although, it's not technically the last line in Season 3A. The mid-season finale was supposed to be "Escape to Amphibia". That means Anne's real last line in Season 3A was supposed to be "What... happened here?". * '''Change can be difficult, but it's how we grow. It can be the hardest thing to realize you can't hold on to something forever. Sometimes, you have to let it go. But of the things you let go, you'd be surprised what makes its way back to you.''' **Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 3B) **Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019–2022) **Note: That was the last line of the series altogether, but the last spoken lines were "THANKS, FROG LADY!!!" by the children on a field trip to the aquarium. ===''Futurama''=== *Please don’t stop playing Fry. I wanna hear how it ends. **Who: Leela **Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (1999–2003) **Note: The end of the Fox era after five seasons and was originally intended to be the series current of the show altogether but it returned after the four straight-to-video made for TV movies and was moved in. *What do you say, you wanna go around again? *I do. **Who: Fry and Leela **Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (2018-2013) **Note: The end of the Fox era after four seasons and was originally intended to be currently after the second run but it returned after Professor Farnsworth unfroze time, thus making "Meanwhile" a pointless current, and it moved to Fox 10 years later. **Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (2023–present) ===''Max & Ruby''=== *Max! My summer fashion party is an even bigger hit! Thanks to you and your... **Who: Ruby *Sprinkler! **Who: Max **Source: ''[[Max & Ruby]]'' (2002-2013) *You are definitely the most surprising pair of the year. **Who 1: The Mayor *Super Bunny! **Who 2: Max **Source: ''Max & Ruby (2016 reboot)'' (2016-2021) ===''Work It Out Wombats!''=== *Huh? **Who: Malik and Zadie (Season 1, Part 1) **Source: ''Work It Out Wombats'' (2023-present) *'''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!''''' **Who: Mr. E (Season 1, Part 2) **Source: ''Work It Out Wombats'' (2023-present) ===''The Owl House''=== * '''Yes, consume, grow wise, avoid paper cuts.''' ** Who: Bat Queen (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[The Owl House]]'' (2020-2023) * '''Worry not, Kiki. We will be keeping an eye on the inhabitants of "The Owl House". In the meantime, the Day of Unity is upon us, and we have much work to do.''' ** Who: Emperor Belos (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[The Owl House]]'' (2020-2023) * '''Who dubbed you a parent?''' ** Who: Edalyn Clawthorne aka "The Owl Lady" (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[The Owl House]]'' (2020-2023) * '''Hey, Mom. I'm back. ** Who: Luz Noceda (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[The Owl House]]'' (2020-2023) * '''Shoot! Camila still has the car keys!''' ** Who: Vee Noceda/Number 5 Basilisk (Season 3, "Thanks To Them") ** Source: ''[[The Owl House]]'' (2020-2023) * '''I think I want to play a new game.''' ** Who: The Collector (Season 3, "For the Future") ** Source: ''[[The Owl House]]'' (2020-2023) * '''And that's how we saved the Boiling Isles. Well, as much as we could. We were so relieved to see everyone safely released from the Archives. They were spared the worst of it, at least. Because of that, everyone got to reunite with their families and loved ones. And if someone thought they had no one waiting for them, well, they were in for a nice surprise. Still, there was a lot of work to be done and not everyone was keen to change things, but we were ready to give it a shot, all of us. As for the Collector, he and I made a pinky promise to keep trying our best. He said he had a lot of growing up to do, so he decided to return to the stars. No one argued, but I think I heard King whisper, "I hope I see you again." We got our happy ending, but I realized something in that moment. When the Titan had finally passed on, so did the powers of the glyphs. I had learned the Titan's language, but now I had no one to speak it to. It had helped me find my place when I had no other way. In my heart, I'll never forget it. A whole chapter of my life was over, but a new one was just beginning.''' ** Who: Luz Noceda (Rerun version) (Season 3, Watching and Dreaming) ** Source: ''[[The Owl House]]'' (2020-2023) * '''Welcome to the Boiling Isles! Watch your step!''' ** Who: The Collector (original airing and digital versions) (Season 3, Watching and Dreaming) ** Source: ''[[The Owl House]]'' (2020-2023) * (post-credits:) '''Eda, King? Thank you for everything.''' * '''Right back at you, kid.''' * '''Weirdos?''' * '''Weirdos.''' * '''Weirdos.''' * '''They're nearly gone! Okay everyone, on the count of three. One, two, three!''' * '''BYE!!!''' ** Who: Luz, Vee and Camila Noceda, Edalyn, Lilith and King Clawthorne, The Hexsquad, The Banshees and Everyone on the Boiling Isles (Season 3, "Watching and Dreaming") ** Source: ''[[The Owl House]]'' (2020-2023) ===''My Little Pony''=== ====''My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic''==== *'''In fact, it’s made it...''' *'''...the best night ever!''' **Who: Mane Six and Spike (Season 1) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''Oh, yeah? Just wait until you see what I have planned for the bachelor party!''' **Who: Spike (Season 2) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''Yes! Everything's gonna be just fine!''' **Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 3) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''Yes, well, I suppose not.''' **Who: Discord (Season 4) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''Wonder what she's dreaming about now.''' **Who: Spike (Season 5A) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''Starting is easy. All you have to do is make a friend; and you've got ''seven'' of them right here.''' **Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 5B) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''Friendship lessons can happen...anywhere.''' **Who: Starlight Glimmer (Season 6A) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''Somepony is really gonna have to catch us up on what we missed.''' **Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 6B) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''Seriously, this is heavy.''' **Who: Pinkie Pie (Season 7A) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''It's funny. I thought meeting my idol would give me all the answers I ever wanted. But instead, I forgot what I already knew. Good thing I had a student of my own to remind me.''' **Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 7B) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''You know, if we can survive a day like this, I think our friendship is strong enough to handle anything the world can throw at us.''' **Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 8A) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''Hey, neighbor. Wanna be friends?''' **Who: Cozy Glow (Season 8B) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''Nicely done.''' **Who: Princess Celestia (Season 9A) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) *'''That's all right, because I know exactly where to send you.''' **Who: Future Twilight Sparkle (Season 9B) **Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) ====Misc.==== * I don't either! ** Who: Rainbow Dash ** Source: ''My Little Pony: Pony Life'' (2020-2021) ** Note: Cancelled after one season, despite a cliffhanger ending. It was succeeded by the 2021 film, ''My Little Pony: A New Generation''. * I'm so grateful for everything we've shared over the years. My memories of all of you are so special, I can't wait to start making more. **Who: Twilight Sparkle ** Source: ''My Little Pony: Friendship is Forever'' (2020) ===''Bluey''=== * Oh yeah? Why's that? **Who 1: Chilli Heeler (Series 1, Part 1) *Um...I don't know, I just do. But this is nice too though. **Who 2: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 1, Part 1) **Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present) *Bye, everyone! I've got to go home now! **Who: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 1, Part 2) **Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present) *Who was Muffin? **Who 1: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 2, Part 1A) *Ballerina! **Who 2: Socks Heeler (Series 2, Part 1A) **Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present) *Remember I'll always be here for you, even if you can't see me. Because I love you. **Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 1B) **Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present) *Maybe you just saw something you wanted. **Who: Bingo Heeler (Series 2, Part 2) **Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present) *Yeah. See you later. **Who: Young Bandit Heeler (Series 3, Part 1) **Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present) *Yes...yes...you got it! Woo hoo!!! **Who 1: Bandit Heeler, Chilli Heeler, Pat, and Janelle (Series 3, Part 2) *Come here, Chucky! **Who 2: Pat and Janelle (Series 3, Part 2) **Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present) *You're not coming, are you? **Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 3A) **Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present) *That's lucky. **Who: Bingo Heeler (Series 3, Part 3B) **Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present) *Once upon a time, there was a farmer who owned a horse called Midnight. But one day, Midnight ran away. The farmer's neighbors came by and said "that's bad luck". But the farmer said... **Who: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 3, Part 4) **Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present) ===''Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur''=== *'''We're gonna get her back.''' **Who: Mimi (Season 1) * ''(post-credits)'' '''Where am I?''' **Who: Lunella Lafayette/Moon Girl (Season 1) **Source: ''Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur'' (2023-2025) *'''But you are my daughter, and you are NEVER doing this again!''' **Who: Adria Lafayette (Season 2A) **Source: ''Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur'' (2023-2025) *'''You go, Moon Girl!''' **Who: The Beyonder (Season 2B) **Source: ''Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur'' (2023-2025) ===''The Cuphead Show!''=== *Whoa! **Who: Cuphead, Mugman **Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (Season 1, 2022) *Mugman...? **Who: Cuphead **Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (Season 2, 2022) *CUPHEAD...!!! **Who: Mugman and Ms. Chalice **Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (Season 3, 2022) ===''The Proud Family''=== * ''WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?'' '''''WHY...?!?!!''' **Who: Oscar Proud **Source: ''The Proud Family'' (2001-2005) *Come on, Puff! **Who: Suga Mama (Season 1) **Source: ''The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder'' (2022-present) *Oh man! I gotta find another non-paying job! **Who: Penny Proud (Season 2) **Source: ''The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder'' (2022-present) === ''Elliott from Earth'' === *Oh. Was that meant to happen? **Who: 105E **Source: ''[[Elliott from Earth]]'', Diminishing Discourse (2021) **Notes: Cancelled after only sixteen episodes. ===''The Powerpuff Girls''=== *Oh, how do you know? **Who: Mojo Jojo *So once again, the day is saved. Thanks to The Powerpuff Girls...and the contaminated banana cream pie. **Who: Narrator **Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls]]'' (1998-2005) *Hoc-guy? **Who: The Professor **Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls (2016 TV series)|The Powerpuff Girls]]'' (2016-2019) ===''PB&J Otter''=== *Happy Hoohaw Halloween everyone! **Who: Peanut and Jelly Otter *Happy Hoohaw Halloween! **Who: Everyone **Source: ''[[PB&J Otter]]'' (1998-2000) **Note: Cancelled after three seasons. ===''Cat Burglar''=== * But I... **Who: Rowdy (Bad Ending) **Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022) * What can I say? I'm a non-existential cartoon cat! **Who: Rowdy (Good Ending) **Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022) ===''Big City Greens''=== *'''One step ahead of you.''' **Who: Remy Remington (Season 1A) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''Whaaaaa?!''' **Who: Remy Remington (Season 1B) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) **Note: Quote from "Phoenix Rises" which is the actual mid-season finale. But, "Forbidden Feline" is probably the mid-season finale as it counts as a holiday special, despite it being the 37th episode in chronological order. So, the last line could be "Look, I'm sorry I abandoned you earlier, but if you're gonna fancy me up, AT LEAST LET ME PICK THE DRESS!!!!" by Cricket Green. Or if you count "Uncaged" as part 2 of the mid-season finale, then the last line would be "Never." by Nancy Green. *'''Ugh, fine.''' **Who: Cricket Green (Season 1C) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''Drinks on me!''' **Who: Andromeda (Season 2A part 1) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''OH MY GOSH, WHAT HAPPENED?!''' **Who: Bill Green (Season 2A part 2) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''And yet, it just...''did.''''' **Who: Tilly Green (Season 2B) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) **Notes: Quote from "Chipwrecked", which is the actual mid-season finale. But, if you count "Chip-ocalyspe Now" as part 2 of the mid-season finale, then the last line would be "Uh, I think so." by Bill Green. *'''Good TV.''' **Who: Tilly Green (Season 2C part 1) **Who: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''No, it's Gloria ''Plus'' Green. My name isn't -- oh, forget it.''' **Who: Gloria Sato (Season 2C part 2) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''I'M INNOCENT I SWEAR!!! Ah, forget it. I'll see myself to my room.''' **Who: Cricket Green (Season 3A part 1) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''I just had the craziest idea...''' **Who: Bill Green (Season 3A part 2) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) **Notes: Quote from "Dirt Jar", which is the actual mid-season finale. But, if you count "The Move" as part 2 of the mid-season finale, the last line would be "Darn right, we will. Even if today was a little bumpy, it sure is great to be home." by Cricket Green. *'''Don't push it, Papa.''' **Who: Tilly Green (Season 3B part 1) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) **Note: Quote from "Horse Girl" which ended part 1 of Season 3B. But, if you count "Virtually Christmas" as the end of part 1 of Season 3B, then the last line would be Bill yelling "CRICKET!!!". *'''The Greens. It was the Greens. And their troubles are just beginning.''' **Who: Chip Whistler (Season 3B part 2) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''Oh, completely separate incident with a rat.''' **Who: Chip Whistler (Season 4A part 1) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''I get you. Come here, normal family!''' **Who: Bill Green (Season 4A part 2) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) **Note: Last episode to premiere before ''[[Big City Greens the Movie: Spacecation]]''. *'''Read the room, Gloria.''' **Who: Cricket Green (Season 4B part 1) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''Hey, Babe, can you hold this? I need my arms free.''' *'''Sure.''' **Who: Chip Whistler and Babe (Season 4B part 2) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) *'''Nance, you're crushin' me!''' **Who: Bill Green (Season 4C) *(in-credits:) '''Okay, boys... nice smiles!''' **Who: Nancy Green (Season 4C) **Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present) ===''The Ghost and Molly McGee''=== * Ooh! **Who: Molly McGee (Season 1) **Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-2024) * Aww, Scratch would have wanted that too. **Who: Molly McGee (Season 2) **Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-2024) ===''Gravity Falls''=== * '''That's good.''' ** Who: Gideon Gleeful (Season 1A) * (in-credits) '''Cross this town off our list.''' ** Who: Winninghouse Coupon Saver (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012-2016) ** Note: Although, "Little Dipper" is the mid-season finale of Season 1, the next episode is technically the mid-season finale because it was the last episode of 2012 before it entered a three month hiatus, even though it’s a Halloween special. If "Summerween" was the mid-season finale, then the last line would be "I ate a man alive tonight." by Soos Ramirez. * '''Here we go.''' ** Who: Stanley Pines (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012-2016) ** Note: This is the last spoken line of the season, but in its first broadcast of this episode, the last line was "Gravity Falls will return." also by Stanley Pines. * '''I am so on it, dude.''' ** Who: Soos Ramirez (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012-2016) * '''If you've ever taken a road trip through the pacific northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called "Gravity Falls". It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it, some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there, somewhere in the woods. Waiting.''' ** Who: Dipper Pines (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012–2016) ** Note: This is the last line of the series altogether, but the last spoken line was "Well, I'm moved in!" by Fiddleford Hadron McGucket. ===''DuckTales''=== * '''Me wallet! Stop that thief! Don't let that sneak get away! Dijon!''' ** Who: Scrooge McDuck ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (1987 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (1987-1990) * '''Plenty more adventures where that came from, eh, lad? Now, where in blazes is that cocoa stand? I am freezing!''' ** Who: Scrooge McDuck (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2021) * '''Boys?!''' ** Who: Della Duck (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2021) * '''I'm home.''' ** Who: Della Duck (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2021) * '''This has gone too far. The ducks almost cost us a world today, and without the world, who would we larceny against? The pieces are finally in piece. Time to come out of the shadows, take control, and end Clan McDuck. If the McDuck family wants an adventure, we'll give them their last.''' ** Who: Chairman Bradford Buzzard/FOWL Agent (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2021) * '''Let's Get Dangerous!''' ** Who: Drake Mallard/Darkwing Duck (Season 3A) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2021) * '''Alright. That was close, Launchpad. Phew, almost ruined the tender family moment.''' ** Who: Launchpad McQuack (Season 3B) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2021) ===''Alvin and the Chipmunks''=== *'''Not me! You!... SIMON!''' **Who: Alvin **Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (1983 TV series)]]'' (1983-1990) *'''Wait! Chipmunks, take me with you! Hey! Chipmunks, take me with you! Please!''' **Who: Cheesy **Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (2015 TV series)]]'' ===''Animaniacs''=== * '''It actually doesn't stink!''' ** Who: [[w:Yakko, Wakko, and Dot|Wakko Warner]] * (post-credits:) '''Goodbye, nurse!''' ** Who: [[w:Yakko, Wakko, and Dot|Yakko, Wakko, and Dot]] ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs]]'' (1993-1998) * '''I am not a refrigerator!''' ** Who: [[w:List_of_Animaniacs_characters#Pinky and the Brain|The Brain (Brain2-Me2)]] ** Source: ''[[Pinky and the Brain]]'' (1995-1998) * '''I'm Underwear Head!''' ** Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Elmyra Duff|Elmyra Duff]] * '''They're Pinky, the Brain, and Underwear Head-head-head-head-head.''' ** Who: Off-screen vocals ** Source: ''[[Pinky, Elmyra & the Brain]]'' (1998-1999) * '''And the moral of our story is...''' ** Who: Yakko Warner ** Source: ''[[Wakko's Wish]]'' (1999) * '''Well, that's why the right man for the job is always a woman.''' ''[winks]'' ** Who: Dot Warner (Season 1) ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)]]'' (2020-2023) * '''This time, I wonder if we'll dream.''' ** Who: Wakko Warner (Season 2) ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)]]'' (2020-2023) * '''Ooh, I know! What about-''' ''[but the meteor explodes]'' ** Who: Wakko Warner (Season 3) ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)]]'' (2020-2023) ===''Star vs. the Forces of Evil''=== * '''No problem, your highness. I hope you found all the pieces to the wand.''' ** Who: Glossaryck (Season 1) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''I'm not a malady.''' ** Who: Ludo (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Star! Hey! What do you mean--?''' ''[gasps]'' '''Star...?''' ** Who: Marco Diaz (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''My name is Metora.''' ** Who: Ms. Heinous/Metora Butterfly (Season 3A) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Hello, my love. We're home.''' ** Who: Eclipsa Butterfly (Season 3B) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''So, Queen, I know a lot just happened, but it's still your coronation. Shall we make this thing official?''' ** Who: Principal Ruberiot (Season 4A) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Hey.''' * '''Hi.''' ** Who: Marco Diaz and Star Butterfly (Season 4B) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) ===''Elinor Wonders Why''=== *Hello, baby tree! **Who: Olive Elephant (Season 1A) **Source: ''Elinor Wonders Why'' (2020-2023) *Yes! We need more observations! Salta, ranita, salta! ''[giggles]'' **Who: Elinor Rabbit (Season 1B) **Source: ''Elinor Wonders Why'' (2020-2023) ===''Ben 10''=== *And for Ben Tennyson, who didn't want the summer to end, he would come to realize that going back to school was merely another beginning. **Who: Narrator **Source: ''[[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2005-2008) **Notes: The final episode of the original series, ''Goodbye and Good Riddance'', was retconned as non-canon in the sequel series. *If he ever does, it's hero time! **Who: Ben Tennyson **Source: ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]'' (2008-2010) *Two is plenty. **Who: Doyle Blackwell **Source: ''[[The Secret Saturdays]]'' (2008-2010) *Perhaps for your eighteenth birthday. **Who: Azmuth **Source: ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]'' (2010-2012) *Gwen? Okay, fine, Gwen''dolyn'', you and Kevin pack your bags, we're going on a road trip! **Who: Ben Tennyson **Source: ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse]]'' (2012-2014) *You know what that means, kiddos? Team Tennyson is back in business! **Who: Grandpa Max Tennyson **Source: ''[[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2017-2021) ===''The Berenstain Bears''=== *What about my kumquats? Oh, I love those kumquats. **Who: Weasel McGreed **Source: ''[[The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]'' (1985-1986) *Anytime. Your tool belt will be right here waiting. **Who: Papa Q. Bear **Source: ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]'' (2003-2004) ===''Cow and Chicken''=== *Yeah! hold it, It was brilliant! Bravo! Get up, my little crab friends. Ow! oh, oh. Ow! oh, oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Easy with the pinchers. Ow! ow! oh. I did not have to bring you guys tonight! Looks like Red Guy always gets in the END! Ha, ha, ha, ha! **Who: Red Guy **Source: ''[[Cow and Chicken]]'' (1997-1999) *It was Baboon all along and not me that everyone was watching. I am not a legend, I am a tool. Well, I guess it's dummies won, smart guys zero. **Who: I.M Weasel **Source: ''[[I Am Weasel]]'' (1997-2000) ===DC animated universe=== *It's okay, there'll be another time. **Who: Batgirl **Source: ''[[Batman: The Animated Series]]'' (1992-1995) *One person at a time. **Who: Lois Lane **Source: ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (1996-2000) *Guilty... guilty... guilty... **Who: Two-Face **Source: ''[[The New Batman Adventures]]'' (1997-1999) *I'm coming. **Who: Miguel Diaz **Source: ''[[Batman Beyond]]'' (1999–2001) *Yeah, they can't get rid of ''us'' that easily. **Who: Static **Source: ''[[Static Shock]]'' (2000-2004) *Don't worry, Zee, we'll find a way. **Who: Ro Rowan **Source: ''[[The Zeta Project]]'' (2001-2002) *I love you, too. **Who: [[w:John Stewart (character)|Green Lantern]] **Source: ''[[Justice League]]'' (2001-2004) *And the adventure continues. **Who: Wonder Woman **Source: ''[[Justice League|Justice League Unlimited]]'' (2004-2006) ===DIC ''Mario'' Cartoons=== *Y'know, dearie, I've enjoyed your visit, but do me one favor: Next time, let me come and visit you! **Who: Grandma Toadstool **Source: ''[[The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!]]'' (1989) *Yeah, but we couldn't have done it without our Toad! **Who: Mario **Source: ''[[The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3]]'' (1990) *Good night. Mama Luigi. **Who: Yoshi **Source: ''[[Super Mario World (TV series)|Super Mario World]]'' (1991) ===''Digimon''=== *Our adventure in the Digital World might be over for now, but that gate won't stay closed forever. I have a feeling that this won't be the last time we see our pals, the Digimon! You wait and see. One day, that portal will open up again and we'll return to the Digital World! I wonder if Agumon will remember me? I know I'll never forget him, or the rest of the Digimon! None of us will! **Who: Tai Kamiya **Source: ''Digimon Adventure'' (1999–2000) *So, you can see we're still having adventures. They're just a little different from the ones we used to have when we were kids. The darkness has not been conquered, and it will continue to fight against the light forever, but as long as people remember to follow their dreams, evil will be kept at bay. And on days like today, it's hard to see any darkness anywhere. Now it's up to our children, and to children everywhere, to follow their dreams. Who knows where they'll end up, but the only way to find out is to take that first step into adventure. **Who: T.K. Takashi **Source: ''Digimon Adventure 02'' (2000-2001) *Even though I thought I would never be the same, the world soon went back to normal and after a while so did I. Life became exactly as it was before I met Guilmon. Kazu still made bad jokes and Miss Nami still gave too much homework. Sometimes I go by our old hangouts just to see if he's there. Don't know why I bother, 'cause he's never there. Most times I'm OK but there's this one thing that bugs me: a promise I made to a friend—a promise I don't think I can keep. (beat) Actually, scratch that. I think I'm going to keep that promise after all. **Who: Takato Matsuki **Source: ''Digimon Tamers'' (2001-2002) *Takuya: But even if I spent time with my family... *Zoe & J.P.: ...or other friends... *Koji & Koichi: ...or with our family... *Tommy: ...or just hanging around not crying... *Takuya: ...I'll be best friends with you guys! *All: Forever! **Who: The Digidestined **Source: ''Digimon Frontier'' (2002-2003) ===''Dora the Explorer''=== *'''We couldn't have done it without you, thanks for helping!''' **Who: Dora Márquez **Source: ''[[Dora the Explorer]]'' (2000-2019) **Note: End of every episode catchphrase from Seasons 1-2. *'''Gracias!''' **Who: Dora Márquez **Source: ''[[Dora the Explorer]]'' (2000-2019) **Note: End of every episode catchphrase from Season 3-8. *Adios, amigos! See you soon! **Who: Dora Márquez, Emma, Kate, Naiya, and Alana **Source: ''Dora and Friends: Into the City!'' (2014-2016) **Note: End of every episode catchphrase. *'''Hasta luego, amigos!''' *'''See you soon!''' **Who: Diego and Alicia Márquez **Source: ''[[Go, Diego, Go!]]'' (2005-2011) **Note: End of every episode catchphrase. ===''Doug''=== *Dad was right. It was the most amazing thing we'd ever seen. And he was right about something else, too. It really did bring our family closer than we'd ever been before. **Who: Douglas "Doug" Yancey Funnie **Source: ''[[Doug (TV series)|Doug]]'' (Nickelodeon series) (1991-1994) *So long, everybody. It's been fun. Your friend forever, Doug! **Who: Douglas "Doug" Yancey Funnie **Source: ''[[Doug (TV series)|Disney's Doug]]'' (1996-1999) **Note: Revival in development. ===''Dragon Ball''=== *For the continued adventures of Goku and his friends, be sure to watch '''[[w:Dragon Ball Z|Dragon Ball Z]]'''! **Who: Narrator **Source: ''Dragon Ball'' (1986-1989) *Young Uub has been taken in by the greatest warrior on the planet--Goku, the orphan who fell from the stars to become the savior of mankind. One thing is certain: as long as Goku lives, peace AND prosperity will reign. **Who: Narrator **Source: ''Dragon Ball Z'' (1989–1996) *And now we end the story of the Dragon Balls with the hope that the Earth will never again see the kind of darkness that brought it close to extinction so many times. But if that day comes, there is one who will step out of the shadows and fight in the name of all that is good and true! *Til we meet again, guys! **Who: Narrator and Goku **Source: ''Dragon Ball GT'' (1996-1997) *Goku, please come home. **Who: Narrator **Source: ''Dragon Ball Z Kai'' (2010-2018) *This is the journey that will never end. The struggle to push beyond all limits and we define the meaning of power new and mightier foes will arise, new adventures will begin and Goku and his fellow warriors will be ready. Until then, we bid you farewell! **Who: Narrator **Source: ''Dragon Ball Super'' (2017-2019) ===''Fancy Nancy''=== *We here at the School De Fancy now sees that everyone has their own way of being fancy. And as long as it makes you happy...we think it's magnifique! **Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 1) **Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022) *It sure feels magnifique to be home! **Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 2) **Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022) *It's…magic. And the only thing more magical than Paris is famille. That's French for family. **Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 3) **Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022) ===''Infinity Train''=== *I'm ready for anything. **Who: Tulip Olsen (Season 1) **Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019–2021) *I wanted to be cool one time, just once. Nerd. **Who: Jesse Cosay (Season 2) **Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019–2021) *Guess we'll have to figure it out. **Who: Grace Monroe (Season 3) **Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019–2021) *We're... *We're working on it. **Who: Min-Gi Park and Ryan Akagi (Season 4) **Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019–2021) ===''Inspector Gadget''=== *I'll get you next time, Gadget! Just you wait! **Who: Dr. Claw **Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget]]'' (1982-1986) *Next time, Gadget! Next time! **Who: Dr. Claw **Source: ''Inspector Gadget'' (2015-2018) ===''Soul Eater''=== *It'll be okay. When it does come, we'll be there. Besides, there's a lot more of people more than evil thoughts and bad deeds. There's bravery. Everybody has that. right in there. **Who: Maka Albarn **Source: ''[[Soul Eater|Soul Eater]] (2008-2009) ===''SpongeBob SquarePants''=== * '''Watch out.''' **Who: Barnacle Boy (season 1) (production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) * '''Awwww...!!''' **Who: Mr. Krabs (season 2) (production and broadcast) * '''We should have bought the whoopie cushion!''' [groans] **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 3) (production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) **Note: Originally intended to be cancelled after three seasons and after the first movie, but was renewed for Season 4. However, the first movie is still considered as the series finale to the show all together. * '''Wow! This is the best Best Friends Day ever!''' **Who: Patrick Star (season 4) (production) * '''Hey, Get back here. You little booger!''' **Who: Mr. Krabs (season 4) (broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) * '''Sorry, boss.''' **Who: Stanley S. SquarePants (season 5) (production) * '''Looks like I'm back in Bikini Bottom forever!''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 5) (broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) * '''Yeah I think right now might be the best time.''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 6) (broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *'''Plankton, What have you done to my daughter? You made her cry! You know, she could been with an ATM! Someone with money, But she chose you! I don't know why!''' **Who: E.M.I.L.P. (season 6) (production) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) * '''Aw, I knew Plankton was hatching an evil plan the whole time. So I just adjusted the controls to put Plankton where he can't do any harm. Nobody fools a squirrel from Texas!''' ''[Laughs which turns into evil laughter]'' **Who: Sandy Cheeks (season 7) (production) * '''Well, it's like I told you before boy, there ain't no such thing as witches, or curses, or magical beings, or...''' **Who: Mr. Krabs (season 7) (broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) * '''Oh, sorry, sir. I just sold it a minute ago. But we do have this slightly used Taco Stand for sale.''' **Who: Pawn Shop Owner (season 8) (production) * '''I think stealing a mail truck definitely counts as naughty. Wouldn't you say, Potty? Ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!''' *'''I sure would, Santa. [laughs] Merry Christmas!''' **Who: Santa Claus and Potty the Parrot (season 8) (broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *Huh? Why are you Laughing? **Who: Old Man Walker (season 9A) (production) *See Patrick, bubbles are the answers to everything. **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 9A) (broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *NO! **Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 9B) (production) *Great! Now, GET TO WORK!!! **Who: Mr. Krabs (season 9B) (broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *Oh, he'll be fine. **Who: Patrick Star (season 10) (production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) * You have a thing on your thing. **Who: Patrick Star (season 11) (production) * You're a menace! **Who: Santa Claus (season 11) (broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) * Goodnight. Eat tight. "Eat tight." [Laughs then snores] **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 12) (production) * Here we go again! **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 12) (broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *Well, I still am a little mad. **Who: Sheldon J. Plankton (season 13A) (production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *Sandy, help us! **Who: Townsfolk (season 13B) (production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *You'll come back now, you hear? **Who: French Narrator (season 14) (production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *Best fan club ever! **Who: SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidina (season 15) (production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *Wait! No, I'm sorry! Beep. **Who: Plankton (season 16) (production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) * Best Plank Day Ever! **Who: Young Patrick Star (season 1) **Source: [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]] (2021-2024) * This was fun! **Who: Elwood (season 2) **Source: ''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]'' (2021-2024) * Hey, nice bathroom! I call the top bunk! **Who: GrandPat Star (season 1) **Source: ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-present) *I just love my fabulous, filthy family. **Who: Bunny Star (season 2) **Source: ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-present) *Yes, Mom, I love shopping. **Who: Patrick Star (season 3)(broadcast) **Source: ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-present) *Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! **Who: Santa Claus (season 3) (production) **Source: ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-present) *This really was the best slumber party ever. **Who: Squidina Star (season 4)(broadcast) **Source: ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-present) *The End. **Who: The Flying Dutchman (season 4) (production) **Source: ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-present) ===''The Lion King''=== *'''Oy.''' **Who: [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]] **Source: ''Timon & Pumbaa'' (1995-1999) *'''Yes, I am.''' **Who: [[w:The Lion Guard|Kion]] **Source: ''[[The Lion Guard]]'' (2015-2019) ===''The Loud House''=== *'''Dang it!''' **Who: Loud family (Season 1, production) **Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present) *'''Wait, what just happened?''' **Who: Lincoln Loud (Season 1, broadcast) **Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present) *'''Looks like we're getting the hang of not being so overprotective, huh, Howie? Howie? I'll get the smelling salts.''' **Who: Harold McBride (Season 2, production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present) *'''Ooh, I got one: hamburgers.''' **Who: Leni Loud (Season 3, production) **Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present) *'''Actually, that was an 18th century Japanese parasol, but no problem.''' **Who: Clyde McBride (Season 3, broadcast) **Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present) *'''It's just till the end of the summer.''' **Who: Lori Loud (Season 4, production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present) *'''You got it! All right, everybody. Back to class, or it's a week's detention!''' **Who: Rusty Spokes (Season 5, production) **Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present) *'''Oh, no. Chamomile.''' **Who: Lincoln Loud and Clyde McBride (Season 5, broadcast) **Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present) *'''Oh. Our own personal mud masks! Nature is classier than I thought.''' **Who: Lola Loud (Season 6, production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present) *'''Liam! I found your retainer!''' **Who: Rusty Spokes (Season 7, production and broadcast) **Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present) *'''Ronnie Anne! That's my line!''' **Who: Carlino Casagrande (Season 1) **Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019–2022) *'''Thank you, Mr. President.''' **Who: Ronnie Anne Santiago (Season 2) **Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019–2022) *'''Sweet dreams, mijo.''' **Who: Rosa Casagrande (Season 3) **Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019–2022) ===''Madagascar''=== *'''Even the problem, not our jurisdiction.''' **Who: [[w:List_of_Madagascar_(franchise)_characters#Skipper|Skipper]] **Source: ''[[The Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2008-2015) *'''Where are we?''' **Who: [[w:List_of_Madagascar_(franchise)_characters#Alex|Alex]] **Source: ''All Hail King Julien'' (2014-2017) ===''The Garfield Show''=== *GARFIEEEEEEELLLLLDDD!!!!!!! **Who: Nermal ===''Marvel Animation Universe''=== *I made the show. Hulk Out. Bam, I said it. Hulk Out. **Who: A-Bomb **Source: ''Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.'' (2013-2015) *So, I guess this is it. But there's no need to get all sappy. I thought once I became the Ultimate Spider-Man, that would mean my work was done. But far from it. This isn't the end, this is only the beginning. **Who: Spider-Man **Source: ''[[Ultimate Spider-Man (TV series)|Ultimate Spider-Man]]'' (2012–2017) ===Marvel Cinematic Universe animated shows=== *It is the mission that is important, Kuda, not the story that is told about it. I just wish I could see this future we fought for. Or at least, know how long it will take to come to pass. **Who: Tafari **Source: ''[[Eyes of Wakanda]]'' (2025) *Kamala? Are you good? **Who: Kate Bishop (illusion) **Source: ''[[Marvel Zombies (miniseries)|Marvel Zombies]]'' *With some mysteries, sometimes the only answer is another question. You see... Time. Space. Reality. It's more than a linear path. It's a prism of endless possibility, where a single choice can branch off into infinite realities, creating new phenomena beyond what you could possibly imagine. I am Uatu. I see all of these vast new realities. Open your eyes, dare to face the unknown and ponder the question... What if? **Who: Uatu the Watcher **Source: ''[[What If...?]]'' (2021-2024) ===''Pandalian''=== *TBA (Coming Soon!) ===''Green Eggs and Ham''=== *'''That's why we should get going!''' **Who: Sam-I-Am (Season 1) **Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019–2022) *'''Yes! She loves it! Now that is good news.''' **Who: Sam-I-Am (Season 2) **Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019–2022) ===''Rugrats''=== *'''Happy Birthday, Kimi!''' **Who: Chuckie Finster **Source: ''[[Rugrats]]'' (1991-2004) *'''"Gotcha"!?''' **Who: Tommy Pickles **Source: ''[[All Grown Up!]]'' (2003-2008) *'''Well look, class! Our friend Mr. Sun has come to say hello! Isn't it wonderful? And we're all back to our happy happy happy selves!''' **Who: Miss Weemer **Source: ''Rugrats Pre-School Daze'' (2008) ===''Steven Universe''=== *Yes, please! **Who: Pearl **Source: ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (2013-2019) *Bye! **Who: Pearl **Source: ''[[Steven Universe Future]]'' (2019–2020) ===''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles''=== *Except Donatello's cooking. **Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] **Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (1987-1996) *Yeah! Ha-ha-ha! **Who: [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]] **Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2003-2009) *We are home. **Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]] **Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2012-2017) *Wait, what? **Who: [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]] **Source: ''[[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2018-2020) ===''Tiny Toon Adventures''=== *Season's Greetings! **Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Gogo Dodo|Gogo Dodo]] **Source: ''[[Tiny Toon Adventures]]'' (1990-1992) *Parting is such sweet sorrow. **Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Plucky Duck|Plucky Duck]] **Source: ''[[The Plucky Duck Show]]'' (1992) *Good! Now I can finally have the non-scary Halloween I wanted. Pumpkin spice latte, anyone? **Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Babs Bunny|Babs Bunny]] **Source: ''[[Tiny Toons Looniversity]]'' (2023-2025) ===''Total Drama''=== * At least things can only go up from here. [sighs] Of course. **Who: Dave **Source: ''[[Total Drama]]'' (2007-2014) * Yes. Throw all your money on the ground. Very smart. That's all for now, we hope we enjoyed our incredible race around the world. Be sure to keep an eye out for more of ''The Ridonculous Race''. **Who: Don **Source: ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' (2015) * Worst ending ever. **Who: Courtney **Source: ''[[Total DramaRama]]'' (2018-2022) * There you have it! Another wonderful season filled with pain and misery. But no matter how hard we try, it always ends with someone happy. Well, hopefully we can change that on the next season of... Total... Drama... Island! **Who: Chris McLean **Source: ''[[Total Drama Island (2023)|Total Drama Island]]'' (2023-2024) ===''Transformers''=== *We shall see, Galvatron. We shall see. **Who: Zarak **Source: ''[[Transformers: Generation 1|The Transformers]]'' (1984-1987) *''Who's the smartest shark around?/Who's the coolest shark in town?/Sky-Byte, that's me!'' Ha! **Who: Sky-Byte **Source: ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2001)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2001-2002) *The war between the Autobots and the Decepticons has come to an end, and without the hatred between the two sides, there was no evil to feed Unicron, and he became powerless. Both Unicron and Megatron scattered into the far reaches of the universe. As for me, my purpose has been served. Cybertron is safe and Transformers live in peace with the Mini-Cons. So the next time you look out into space and see a peaceful star far, far away, it just might be Cybertron. TRANSFORM! **Who: Optimus Prime **Source: ''[[Transformers: Armada]]'' (2002-2003) *Check it out, Ironhide. That's our future out there. **Who: Kicker Jones **Source: ''[[Transformers: Energon]]'' (2004-2005) *Fire up the engines to full throttle! We have a course set to the far reaches of the universe, and it's time to go! Courage, hope for the future, and teamwork—our adventure will continue as long as we remember the words of Primus: 'Til all are one! TRANSFORM!!! **Who: Optimus Prime and everybody **Source: ''[[Transformers: Cybertron]]'' (2005-2006) *That would be the easy way out, Megatron. You don't deserve it. **Who: Optimus Prime **Source: ''[[Transformers Animated]]'' (2007-2009) *Until we meet again, old friend. **Who: Optimus Prime **Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime]]'' (2010-2013) *I want to get a picture of my heroes. **Who: Chief Charlie Burns **Source: ''[[Transformers: Rescue Bots]]'' (2011-2016) *Saved by the howl. Autobots, let's rev up and roll out. **Who: Bumblebee **Source: ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2015-2017) ===''Unikitty!''=== *Nice job, Bat-team. **Who: Unikitty (Season 1) **Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020) *Happens to the festival, Amigo. **Who: Dunklecorn (Season 2) **Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020) *Nice. **Who: One of the Two Astronauts (Season 3) **Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020) ===''[[:Sunny Day (TV series)|Sunny Day]]''=== *But Look How It Ended! **Who: Sunny (Season 2) *Bananas! **Who: Olivia And Doodle (Season 2) **Source: ''[[:Sunny Day (TV series)|Sunny Day]]'' ===''[[Messy Goes To OKIDO]]''=== *Bye Bye! **Who: Messy Monster (Season 3) **Source: ''[[Messy Goes To OKIDO]]'' (2015-2023) ===''[[Winx Club]]''=== *'''Listen. Whatever it is you choose to do, I want you to know that you're not alone.''' **Who: Sky (Cinélume, Season 1) *'''To next year!''' **Who: Alfea students (4Kids, Season 1) **Source: ''Winx Club'' (2003-2019) *'''Mirta!''' **Who: Bloom (Cinélume, Season 2) *'''Wait for us!''' **Who: Bloom (4Kids, Season 2) **Source: ''Winx Club'' (2003-2019) *'''Yes, I think I'm ready. Mom, Dad, I feel like were going to meet very, very soon.''' **Who: Bloom (Cinélume, Season 3) *'''I think I'm ready. Mom, Dad, I feel like we're going to meet really soon.''' **Who: Bloom (4Kids, Season 3) *'''I ''am'' ready. Mom, Dad, I have a feeling we're going to meet very, very soon.''' **Who: Bloom (Atlas Oceanic, Season 3) **Source: ''Winx Club'' (2003-2019) *'''Your journey on the path of magic also passes through Gardenia. Now off you go, you're on in a minute!''' **Who: Faragonda (Cinélume, Season 4) *'''A fairy's magical journey includes all her dreams and passions. Now off you go, show me what you've got, girls!''' **Who: Faragonda (Atlas Oceanic, Season 4) **Source: ''Winx Club'' (2003-2019) *'''Best little sister in the known universe!''' **Who: Daphne (Season 5) **Source: ''Winx Club'' (2003-2019) *'''Thanks, cuz.''' **Who: Thoren (Season 6) **Source: ''Winx Club'' (2003-2019) *'''Even the smallest creature can play a key role in the destiny of all the worlds.''' **Who: Bloom (Season 7) **Source: ''Winx Club'' (2003-2019) *'''Winx forever!''' **Who: Stella (Season 8) **Source: ''Winx Club'' (2003-2019) *'''There is not enough room for fairies and witches on earth!''' **Who: Baba Yags **Source: ''[[World of Winx]]'' (2017-2018) **Note: Was quietly cancelled and ended on a cliffhanger due to most of the crew producing the final season of the main show. ==See also== * [[First lines in animated TV shows]] [[Category:Last lines|Animated]] [[Category:Animated TV shows|*]] miz46t0l67i7g48orqff0zoo0v01sbt 0 214081 3955111 3952502 2026-06-21T17:39:09Z Tim3455 3133526 /* Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure */ 3955111 wikitext text/x-wiki ==Animated TV shows== * '''What are you gonna do when I'm at game design camp? Die of boredom probably?''' ** Who: Tulip Olsen ** Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019–present) * '''I am so behind on my spring shopping! I do this every year.''' ** Who: Tricia ** Source: ''[[6teen]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Ooh...those creatures are right.''' ** Who: Hildy Gloom ** Source: ''[[The 7D]]'' (2014-2016) * '''Watch it! The door sticks a little!''' ** Who: Miranda Hatcher ** Source: ''Abby Hatcher'' (2019–present) * '''Ah, it's a beautiful night for a stroll, eh, Carl?''' ** Who: Jimmy Neutron ** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2002-2006) * '''Listen up you reptiles! The Koopa family meeting will come to order! So far, I've sent you Koopalings to pull sneaky little tricks, and medium-sized meanness. Now you're ready for the biggest badness of all!''' ** Who: King Koopa ** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3]]'' (1990) * '''Yeah, you think you're pretty way up there but I can get you!''' ** Who: Jake ** Source: ''[[Adventure Time]]'' (2010-2025) * '''(gasps) We still have 24 hours 'till we go back to school!''' * '''24 whole hours to fun!''' ** Who: Gumball Watterson and Darwin Watterson ** Source: ''[[The Amazing World of Gumball]]'' (2011-2025) * '''Shut up, Steve. I have a term paper due.''' ** Who: Hayley Smith ** Source: ''[[American Dad!]]'' (2005-2024) * '''''JAKE!!!'' Get back to work!''' ** Who: Grandpa Lao Shi ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Grandpa Lao Shi is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. * '''This is your territory, young dragon. And you alone are responsible for the magical creatures living within it. From the Centaur herds of High Bridge Park to the floor of the secret Leprechaun's Stock Exchange; From the Gargoyle Nest on top of the Empire State Building to the mermaids of the East River.''' ** Who: Grandpa Lao Shi ** Source: ''[[American Dragon: Jake Long]]'' (2005-2007) * '''Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare!''' ** Who: Dr. Weird ** Source: ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' (2000-2025) * '''Come with me.''' ** Who: [[w:List of Arthur characters#D.W. Read|D.W. Read]] ** Source: ''[[Arthur (TV series)|Arthur]]'' (1996-2022) * '''He's here!''' ** Who: Rupert Thorne ** Source: ''[[The Batman]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Whoo-hoo!''' ** Who: Blaze ** Source: ''Blaze and the Monster Machines'' (2014-2025) * '''This is the day my life went from good to better to best to worst. Confused? You'll understand in a minute. Let's start here. I'm Sharon Spitz, and this is my school. These are my comrades. And there I am.''' * '''So, anybody get a date for the dance and not tell me?''' ** Who: Sharon Spitz ** Source: ''[[Braceface]]'' (2001-2008) * '''And if you look out your window, you'll see the Amazon Rainforest. Home to more plants and animals than the rest of the world put together.''' ** Who: Airplane announcer ** Source: ''[[Brandy & Mr. Whiskers]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Mind if I join?''' ** Who: Lola Bunny ** Source: ''[[Bugs Bunny Builders]]'' (2022-2025) * '''Listen, pep talk. Big day today. It's our grand re-re-reopening. It's Labor Day weekend, and it looks like Wonder Wharf is getting mobbed, so we have...''' ** Who: Bob Belcher **Source: ''[[Bob's Burgers]]'' (2011-2025) * '''I think it bobbed.''' ** Who: [[w:List of Camp Lazlo characters#Chip and Skip|Skip]] ** Source: ''[[Camp Lazlo]]'' (2005-2008) * '''The war had been raging for as long I could remember. I lost my father to the war. I lost my mother to the war. And this was my only friend left in the world. Chaos, blood shed, and battle was the only life we'd ever known.''' ** Who: Horse ** Source: ''[[Centaurworld]]'' (2021) * '''What are you doing, Nick?''' ** Who: Sally ** Source: ''The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That!'' (2010-2019) * '''OUCH! Oh boy.''' ** Who: Joe Tabootie ** Source: ''[[ChalkZone]]'' (2002-2005; 2008) * '''And that is how I got Liza Minnelli's poop on my shoe.''' ** Who: Peter Griffin ** Source: ''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' (2009–present) * '''I'll read these books to you when we get home, okay, Corduroy?''' ** Who: Lisa ** Source: ''[[Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy]]'' (2000-2009) * '''At last, the moment I've been waiting for! It's absolutely perfect!''' ** Who: Hacker ** Source: ''[[Cyberchase]]'' (2002–2010) * '''Ah, today's gonna be a good day. Aah! Aahh! Ow! Oof! Oh, great - there goes breakfast. Ow! My foot! Stupid thing! OW! My foot! Stupid thing! See? I learned. Ow! Don't even know why I put that lamp there in the first place. What the heck would you make a swinging lamp for? Makes me want to burn down the 70s. Ow! Oof! Was that an armadillo? I'm gonna laugh when you're roadkill. What the- Not my car! Cactus needles, red dirt, Adobe...''NEEEW MEXICOOOOOOOO!!!''''' ''[show and episode title appear]'' ** Who: Dan ** Source: ''[[Dan Vs.]]'' (2011-2013) * '''So, Danny...You and your little friends want to hunt ghosts?''' ** Who: Jack Fenton ** Source: ''[[Danny Phantom]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town - especially for you, Daria, right?''' ** Who: Jake ** Source: ''[[Daria]]'' (1997-2001) * '''Dee Dee! Can you please check if your brother is ready for school?''' ** Who: Dexter's Mom ** Source: ''[[Dexter's Laboratory]]'' (1996-2003) * '''I thought you were gonna wake me at 6:30?''' * '''I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?''' ** Who: Dilbert and Dogbert ** Source: ''[[Dilbert (TV series)|Dilbert]]'' (1999–2000) * '''Hi, I'm Dora. What's your name? ''What's'' your name? How old are you? Wow, that's big! Guess what? It's storytime!''' ** Who: Dora Márquez ** Source: ''[[Dora the Explorer]]'' (2000-2019) * '''Bienvididos, amigos!''' * '''Bienvididos!''' * '''Clap with us!''' ** Who: Dora Márquez and friends ** Source: ''[[Dora and Friends: Into the City!]]'' (2014-2017) ** Note: Catchphrase that opens nearly every episode. * '''Come on, Max. Let's check this out.''' * '''No way! I don't get it about our new house. That's weak.''' ** Who: Emmy, and Max ** Source: ''[[Dragon Tales]]'' (1999–2005) * '''"4,800 and 20, 4,800 and 24–ooh, I like what you've done with that tunnel–4,800 and 31, 4,800 and 35, that's everybody. 4,800 and... 37."''' ** Who: Edd ** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd, n Eddy]]'' (1999–2009) * '''Imagine Saving The Rainforest Just By Searching The Internet?''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Ecosia]]'' (2009–present) * '''Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.''' ** Who: Jan Brady * '''Ugh, smoking? How does a boy like that go so wrong?''' ** Who: Lois Griffin **Source: ''[[Family Guy]]'' (1999–present) * '''And lastly, there was a misprint on today's cafeteria menu. "Meat Larf" should read..."Meat ''Lard''."''' ** Who: Mr. Mufflin ** Source: ''[[Fanboy and Chum Chum]]'' (2009–2014) * '''Fillmore, I'm on it!''' ** Who: Cornelius Fillmore ** Source: ''[[Fillmore!]]'' (2002-2008) ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Cornelius Fillmore is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. * '''The outcome was never in our favor, Gary.''' ** Who: H.U.E. ** Source: ''[[Final Space]]'' (2018-2021) * '''Smile for the camera.''' ** Who: Yearbook Photographer ** Source: ''[[Fish Hooks]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Wait, stop! I just wanna punch you!''' ** Who: Terrance ** Source: ''[[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Just east of Northwestville and south of Gubai, a town known as Glurfsburg might catch your eye. Our story starts here; who knows what's in store? It begins with a kite, then...SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! That's a ninja! This is Dr. Seuss, so I wasn't expecting a ni - oh, WHY WOULD YOU CUT THE LINE?!?!''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019–present) * '''So, what do you guys wanna show me?''' ** Who: Harvey Beaks ** Source: ''[[Harvey Beaks]]'' (2015-2017) * '''Once upon a time, there was a glowing city protected by golden gates, known as Heaven. It was ruled by beings of pure light. Angels that worshiped good and shielded all from evil. Lucifer was one of these angels. He was a dreamer with fantastical ideas for all of creation. But, he was seen as a troublemaker by the elders of Heaven. For they felt his way of thinking was dangerous to the order of their world.''' ** Who: Charlie Morningstar ** Source: ''[[Hazbin Hotel]]'' (2024-2025) * '''Thank you, Gunbarrel City! Goodnight! Guess we can skip the encore.''' ** Who: Ami Onuki ** Source: ''[[Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Small, get in here!''' ** Who: Coach McGuirk ** Source: ''[[Home Movies (TV series)|Home Movies]]'' (1999–present) * '''Welcome to Horseland!''' ** Who: Shep ** Source: ''[[w:Horseland (TV Series)|Horseland]]'' (2006-2008) * '''Welcome, brave Irken soldiers. Welcome to Conventia, the convention hall planet. Please, proceed to the docking ring and take the complimentary teleporters to the planet's surface!''' ** Who: Announcer ** Source: ''[[Invader Zim]]'' (2001-2008) * '''SQUAWK! SQUAWK! Good morning, birds! SQUAWK! ''[laughs]'' Good morning, ol' rusty sign! Another perfect day in Seaside By the Seashore, my new home!''' ** Who: Arlo Beauregard ** Source: ''[[w:I Heart Arlo|I Heart Arlo]]'' (2021) * '''My name is Leslie McGroarty. I'm a city girl, and the big city is my home. Most of my boys called me boisterous and hog-wild, that's because I fight these dorks, I played video games, I jammed to my rock music and I can skateboarding. I love to have fun, and I'm having a lot more fun, because I'm a tomboy!''' ** Who: Leslie McGroarty ** Source: ''[[The Itsy Bitsy Spider]]'' (1994–1996) * '''It was Picture Day at Tarrytown Airport. And Brenda Blue was ready with her camera to make this the best one ever.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Jay Jay the Jet Plane]]'' (1998-2005) * '''And here's the news, Porkbelly. Police are still trying to catch the mysterious underground bandits!''' ** Who: Hank ** Source: ''[[Johnny Test]]'' (2005-2008) * '''You'll never catch me, Team LilyMu!''' ** Who: Gonard ** Source: ''[[Kappa Mikey]]'' (2006–2008) * '''Ladies and gentlemen, behold the world's greatest daredevil: Kick Buttowski!''' ''[pause]'' '''Kick! Kick, are you OK?''' ** Who: Gunther Magnuson ** Source: ''[[Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil]]'' (2010-2019) * '''I'll tell you what my truck needs: Leadership. Detroit hasn't felt any real pride since George Bush went to Japan and vomited on their auto executives.''' ** Who: Hank Hill ** Source: ''[[King of the Hill]]'' (1997-2010) * '''In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines, lived twelve little girls in two straight lines. They left the house at half past nine, in two straight lines, rain or shine. The smallest one was Madeline.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Madeline (TV series)|Madeline]]'' (1990-2009) ** Note: Catchphrase that opens every episode of the show. * '''Do you have everything you need for your first day? Paper, pencils, spark plugs, lemon drops?''' ** Who: Charlene ** Source: ''[[Making Fiends (TV series)|Making Fiends]]'' (2008) * '''That one looks like a daffodil!''' ** Who: Ketchup ** Source: ''[[Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart]]'' (2019–present) * '''Come in, Truman.''' ** Who: Helen ** Source: ''[[Martha Speaks (TV series)|Martha Speaks]]'' (2008-2014) * '''Why is everybody running around like crazy?''' ** Who: Andy ** Source: ''Let's Go Luna'' (2018-2022) * '''Stupid dog! You made me look bad!''' ** Who: Eustace Bagge ** Note: Heard in the opening credits that opens every episode. But, Eustace is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. ** Source: ''[[Courage the Cowardly Dog]]'' (1999–present) * '''Commander Andru, the Glorft have found us. Perimeter defenses are failing. We're being overrun.''' ** Who: Earth Coaliton Captain ** Source: ''[[Megas XLR]]'' (2004-2008) * '''We'll get you down, Whiskers.''' ** Who: Firefighter 1 ** Source: ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2008) ** Note Catchphrase that opens every episode except for "Mickey's Great Clubhouse Hunt". But, Mickey Mouse is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the series. * '''Welcome to our Clubhouse! Are you ready to play? Swell!''' ** Who: ''[[w:Mickey Mouse (character)|Mickey Mouse]]'' ** Source: ''[[Mickey Mouse Clubhouse]]'' (2006-2016) * '''Good morning Finger! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 100! Honeybee Troop Bessie Higgenbottom! Reporting for duty! Hi mom! Bye mom!''' ** Who: Bessie ** Source: ''[[The Mighty B!]]'' (2008–2011) * '''Yo, Seismo! Hey man, what you ups to?''' ** Who: Zorch ** Source: ''[[Mixels]]'' (2014-2016) * '''I'm Mr. Frog. This is my show. I eat the bug. I ate the bug. This is the end. I love you.''' ** Who: Mr. Frog ** Source: ''Smiling Friends'' (2022-2025) * '''Hey everyone, it's me Molly!''' ** Who: Molly Mabray ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Molly is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. * '''Hmm! The poster for our show turned out pretty well, Tooey.''' ** Who: Molly Mabray ** Source: ''[[Molly of Denali]]'' (2019–present) * '''Well, Professor Knight, how'd I do?''' ** Who: Tylor Tuskmon ** Source: ''[[Monsters at Work]]'' (2021-2025) * '''Welcome aboard! Hey, come on, I want you to meet the team!''' ** Who: Leo ** Source: ''[[Little Einsteins]]'' (2005-2008) * '''Another perfect day in my hometown. Population: not very many. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I'm doing a little sketching under my favorite tree.''' ** Who: Blythe Baxter ** Source: ''[[Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)]]'' (2012-2016) * '''Special Delivery from the Middlemost Post!''' ** Who: Parker J. Cloud ** Source: ''[[Middlemost Post]]'' (2021-2022) * '''Okay. So, Cat and I are on a farm.''' ** Who: Peg ** Source: ''Peg + Cat'' (2013-2018) * '''The school concert is tomorrow, Max. And I get to play, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"!''' ** Who: Ruby ** Source: ''Max & Ruby'' (2003-2008) * '''Heh-heh-ha-ha-ha! Woo-hoo!!!''' ** Who 1: Norma Khan * '''Hey!''' ** Who 2: Courtney ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode, but Norma and Courtney are still the first characters to speak in the first episode of the series. ** Source: ''Dead End: Paranormal Park'' (2022) * '''Welcome to the City of Frank. 85 trillion cells and still growing, which is getting to be a big problem. Y'see, when a body gets this old and congested, there's a lot more upkeep. And in Frank, everybody's workin' overtime. I should know. The name's Jones. Osmosis Jones. I'm a cop. That's my partner Drix. He's a pill, but he's cool. We got a tip that Scarlet Fever's visiting a chop shop south of the stomach, below the beltway, deep in bowel town. I've been after this bad booty bacteria half my life. He wasn't gettin' away this time.''' ** Who: Osmosis Jones ** Source: ''[[Ozzy & Drix]]'' (2002-2004) * '''Hey! This is an interactive show. That means you gotta select the correct answers.''' ''[gets a pillar dropped on by Rowdy; weakly]'' '''Enjoy the show...''' ** Who: Peanut ** Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022) * '''Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! I'LL ''KILL'' YOU!''' ** Who: Rigby ** Source: ''[[Regular Show]]'' (2010-2019) * ''[howls]'' '''Rubble on the double! Whee!''' ** Who: Rubble ** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol]]'' (2013-2025) * '''Hey!''' ** Who: Phineas Flynn ** Note: Heard in the theme song at the start of every episode, but Phineas is still the first character to speak in the series. * '''So Ferb, what do you wanna do today? What about Perry? What does he wanna do? Well, he is a platypus. They don't do much. I, for one, am starting to get bored. And boredom is something I will not put. The first thing they're gonna ask us when we get back to school is what we did over the summer! I mean, no school for three months; our lives should be a rollercoaster. And I mean a good rollercoaster. Not like the one we rode at the Street Fair. Man, that was lame. Why, if I built a rollercoaster, I would...That's it! I know what we're gonna do today!''' ** Who: Phineas Flynn ** Note: Official first line of the series ** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb]]'' (2007-2009) * '''What's that all about?''' ** Who: Zack Underwood ** Source: ''[[Milo Murphy's Law]]'' (2016-2019) * '''The day I turned 16, I got my driver's license, and suddenly, I was free! I could be out in the open road with nothing but my own dreams to guide me! I could let the wind of adventure blow through my hair as the beckoning horizon pulls me ever onward! But instead, I'm just driving my little sister to and from soccer in my mom's minivan.''' ** Who: Kevin Grant-Gomez ** Source: ''[[Hamster & Gretel]]'' (2022-2025) * '''Uh, out of my seat, shortstack!''' ** Who: Pierce Pocket ** Source: ''Polly Pocket'' (2019–present) *'''In the beginning, there was darkness. Then there was... Me! Tater Ramirez Humphrey! Me, a lump of clay. Me, searching for my true self. But soon... I will achieve my final form! But I don't know what it'll be until I'd get a little QUIET!!!''' ** Who: Tater Ramirez Humphrey ** Source: ''[[Primos]]'' (2024-2025) * '''Okay, new Earth game. I call it: Solar System!''' ** Who: Jet Propulsion ** Source: ''[[Ready Jet Go!]]'' (2016-2019) * '''Look at you! You are a full-grown cat still watching cartoons! And you are three years old! But don't you know what this was in human years? Listen. I'm your friend. But do you know that cartoons still ruin your mind? Just look what it's done to your brain!''' ** Who: Ren ** Source: ''[[The Ren & Stimpy Show]]'' (1991-1996) * '''Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'...you gotta come with me.''' ** Who: Rick ** Source: ''[[Rick and Morty]]'' (2013-2025) * '''Heffer, we're mates, right?''' ** Who: Rocko (production) ** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' (1993-1996) * '''I had it with you, you're a useless and pathetic thing like a useless and pathetic thing, this IS the last straw you Good for nothing of rubbish... PREPARE TO FEEL MY WRATH!! That will teach you.''' ** Who: Rocko (broadcast) ** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' (1993-1996) * '''Wow, the base is loaded with two outs and Johnny Hitswell is up to bat. We might actually win the game for a change.''' ** Who: Todd Daring ** Source: ''[[The Replacements (TV series)|The Replacements]]'' (2006-2009) * '''Once again, I am free to smite the world as I did in days long past.''' ** Who: Aku ** Source: ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' (2001-2008) * '''All right, Yay!''' ** Who: Eric Needles ** Source: ''[[Sidekick (TV series)|Sidekick]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Ooh, careful, Homer.''' ** Who: Marge Simpson ** Source: ''[[The Simpsons]]'' (1989–present) * '''School days, school days, teacher's golden ru...''' ** Who: Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick ** Source: ''[[South Park]]'' (1997-2025) * '''Missing your friends?''' ** Who: James Prescott ** Source: ''Spirit Riding Free'' (2017-2020) * '''Captain's log, Stardate 57436.2. The Cerritos is docked at Douglas Station for routine maintenance and resupply. We will soon set course for the capital planet of the Galar system, where we're scheduled to make second contact with the Galardonian High Council. First contact is a delicate, high-stakes operation of diplomacy. One must be ready for anything when Humanity is interacting with alien race for the first time. But we don't do that. Our specialty is second contact. Still pretty important. We get all the paperwork signed, make sure we're spelling the name of the planet right, get to know all the good places to eat.''' ** Who: Brad Boimler ** Source: ''[[Star Trek: Lower Decks]]'' (2020-2025) * '''It's no use Sparkleface. We'll be trapped in the candy dungeon, FOREVER!''' ** Who: Butterbean ** Note: If not counting the character from a TV show inside a TV show, Raven is the first real character to speak. * '''Don't give up Butterbean. Great! Right in the middle of the best part of Pretty Pretty Pegasus!''' ** Who: Raven ** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go!]]'' (2013-2025) * '''Timothy, You have mail.''' ** Who: Timothy's Mom ** Source: ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' (2000-2009) * '''All right, you guys, settle down. With a little luck, they may never find out we're aboard. We can sleep here every night, mingle with passengers during the day. Benny can slip us some food from the dining room. We'll have a ball. Okay, Spook, what was in that suitcase?''' ** Who: Top Cat ** Source: ''[[Top Cat]]'' (1961–1962) * '''For as long as anyone can remember, the happiest, the sunniest, singingest creatures in all the world were my people, the Trolls.''' ** Who: Queen Poppy ** Source: ''Trolls: The Beat Goes On!'' (2018-2019) * '''UGH!! I hate red lights! Come on, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!!''' ** Who: Amethyst Van der Troll ** Source: ''Trollz'' (2005-2007) * '''Hi Everyone I’m Ninety Want To Join Us With Our Undersea Adventures Sure!''' ** Who: Ninety The Sea Turtle ** Source: ''[[Undersea Adventures]]'' (2018-2022) * ''[giggles]'' '''Try to catch me!''' ** Who: Demi ** Source: ''[[Vampirina]]'' (2017-2021) * '''Okay, Vic. I'm glad we see eye to eye on expanding our business. But first, we gotta learn how to make...''' ** Who: Valentino Calavera ** Source: ''[[Victor & Valentino]]'' (2019–present) * '''Happy Valentines Day, Todd!''' ** Who: Dana ** Source: ''[[Wayside]]'' (2007-2008) * '''Claire McCallister is about to go on a business trip, and leave a babysitter in charge of her son, the mischievous boy genius, Tobey.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[WordGirl]]'' (2007-2009) ===''DC Animated Universe''=== * '''Now, Isis, my sweet.''' ''[Isis snatches the necklace]'' '''Perfect my love! Let's go home.''' ** Who: Catwoman ** Source: ''[[Batman: The Animated Series]]'' (1992-1995) * '''Northern Region, Sector 17 Alpha, log date 8313 Omega 3, Jor-El speaking, gathering readings for final subterranean probe.''' ** Who: Jor-El ** Source: ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (1996–2000) * '''I'm depressed, Red. Here in this holiday time and we're hiding out in this dingy rattrap. No presents, no fun, no nothing. Can't we at least, get a Christmas tree.''' ** Who: Harleen Quinzel ** Source: ''[[The New Batman Adventures]]'' (1997-1999) * '''Big news in the financial world today. Once again, Billionaire Bruce Wayne has averted an attempted takeover of his company, by Derek Powers of Powers Technology. Powers vowed that he is not through yet and speculation has seen in stock in both men's companies hit all-time high's. Still no word from the kidnappers of debutante, Bunny Vreeland following a ransom payment five million dollars.''' ** Who: TV Announcer ** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond]]'' (1999–present) * '''Speed it up! We don't have all night.''' ** Who: Robber 1 ** Source: ''[[Static Shock]]'' (2000-2009) * '''Bennett.''' ** Who: Agent Bennett ** Source: ''The Zeta Project'' (2001-2002) * '''Would you look at that. A little slice of heaven.''' ** Who: J. Allen Carter ** Source: ''[[Justice League (TV series)|Justice League]]'' (2001-2004) * '''Everybody down, down!''' ** Who: Robber ** Source: ''[[Justice League Unlimited]]'' (2004-2008) ===''44 Cats''=== * '''Buffycats on a Mission''' ** Who: 44 Cats Narrator * '''♪ Down In The Cellar of an Old Mansion ♪ ♪ Cats Without parents and their companions ♪ ♪ Met To Improve Their Sad Situation ♪ ♪ And Find a good cause for celebration ♪''' ** Who: Singer * '''Sorry!''' ** Who: Milady ** Source: ''[[44 Cats]]'' (Season 1) ===''The Fairly OddParents''=== * '''Bed, TWERP!''' ** Who: Vicky ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Vicky is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. * '''Thanks for babysitting tonight, Vicky. Timmy just loves making new friends, don't you Timmy?''' ** Who: Mr. Turner * '''Ready, Cosmo?''' ** Who: Wanda **Source: ''[[The Fairly OddParents]]'' (2001-2017) *'''Clifford, Rhonda, [Luis], Smoothie, and Garfield. Welcome to your new home! I know, you're overwhelmed. We're in a new city, having to make new friends, and our big brother Antony left us for college. Well he's my brother, not yours. But we gotta roll with the punches! Toughen up rocks! Were not little kids anymore, we're 10! Double digits! We can handle this, right? I wish Antony were here to help me unpack. And keep me from talking to a bunch of rocks. 'Tis I, the good rock fairy Rocktilda. Since you are so kind and true of heart and cute and spunky, I've decided to grant you one wish. Thanks Rocktilda! I am pretty great aren't I. I'd like to wish for UNLIMITED WISHES!!! That wasn't the deal! Too late you doink, you've been outsmarted now start granting! Muahaha...''' ** Who: Hazel Wells **Source: ''[[The Fairly OddParents: A New Wish]]'' (2024-2025) ===''Futurama''=== * '''Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.''' ** Who: Fry ** Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (1999–present) (Fox) * '''This has been a test of the Emergency Hypnotoad System. Had this been an actual hypnosis, you would go limp and watch whatever crap comes up next. Coming up next, Futurama!''' ** Who: Bender * '''Professor, my Fry-fro is all frizzy.''' ** Who: Robot Fry ** Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (1999–present) (Fox) * '''Professor's lab notes, final entry. Time has been frozen for an unknown length of time. With no time to lose, I began tunneling through time in search of Fry and Leela, only to find them suffering from a case of extreme old. Horrified, I offered to reset the universe to the instant before time stopped. They could be young once more, still grotesquely ugly, but young.''' ** Who: Professor Farnsworth * '''D-Did someone switch the universe off and on?''' ** Who: Amy Wong ** Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (1999–present) (Fox) ===''The Owl House''=== * '''Foolish child! I could swallow you whole!''' ** Who: Gildersnake (Season 1A) * '''And that's the end.''' ** Who: Luz Noceda (Season 1A) ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''Partake of my free snack samples! Take it! I demand it as your ruler, the King of Demons! Why isn't anyone paying attention to me? I'm their rightful overlord, intellectually and such.''' ** Who: King (Season 1B) ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''Foolish child! Leave this place before you meet your demise!''' ** Who: Garlog (Season 2A) ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''¡Hola, Mamá! I know you don’t want me staying in the Demon Realm, but I’m recording this because I think we can find a middle ground. This is a world of magic and beauty, just look.''' ** Who: Luz Noceda (Season 2B) ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''Luz, I'm so happy I had you as a big sister.''' ** Who: King (Season 3, "Thanks To Them") * '''Hey, thanks for not telling them I'm...''' * '''...a Grimwalker?''' * '''Don't say it out loud!''' ** Who: Luz Noceda and Hunter (Season 3, "Thanks To Them") ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''We gotta stick together!''' ** Who: Luz Noceda (Season 3, "For the Future") * '''I'm free! I'm free! Oh, this is the good-est I've felt in forever and ever! It's like the whole world is singing!''' ** Who: The Collector (Season 3, "For the Future") ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''Huh?''' ** Who: The Hexsquad (Season 3, "Watching and Dreaming") ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) ===''Bluey''=== * '''Morning, balloons! I mean...morning, last balloon.''' ** Who: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 1, Part 1) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''You ruined our game, Rusty!''' ** Who: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 1, Part 2) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Excuse me? Yes, over here!''' ** Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 1A) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Mum!''' ** Who: Jack Russell (Series 2, Part 1B) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Make sure you eat your pumpkin seeds, Bluey.''' ** Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 2) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Okay! Let's make some Father's Day cards for Dad.''' ** Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 3, Part 1) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Dad, we're back!''' ** Who: Bingo Heeler (Series 3, Part 2) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''One, two, three, four, five, six! Well done, Kim Jim, you won again.''' ** Who: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 3, Part 3A) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Let's play "Wild Girls", Indy!''' ** Who: Coco (Series 3, Part 3B) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) ===''Big Hero 6''=== * '''Okay, Hiro, I'm going to let you go now. You ready?''' ** Who: Tadashi Hamada (Baymax Returns) ** Note: If not counting the video, Hiro is the first character to speak in the series. * '''Well, Tadashi, this is it, first day of nerd school. All because of you.''' ** Who: Hiro Hamada (Baymax Returns) * '''Hello, I am Baymax!''' ** Who: Baymax (intro) ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens almost every episode of the series. * '''Mr. Hamada? Mr. Hamada?! Follow please!''' ** Who: Professor Granville (Season 1) * '''San Fransokyo, greatest city in the world, once threatened by nefarious forces, now a beacon of peace, thanks to the fearless fortitude of Big Hero 6!''' ** Who: Fred Fredrickson (Season 2A) * '''Uh, what was that?''' ** Who: Fred Fredrickson (Season 2B) * '''Summer in San Fransokyo. The days are long and the living is-. Easy!''' ** Who: Fred Fredrickson (Season 3) ===''Kiff''=== * '''Heh, heh, heh!''' ** Who: Kiff Chatterley ** Note: Heard at the end of the theme song that opens every episode, but Kiff is still the first character to speak on the show. * '''First person to climb Mount Table?''' ** Who: Mrs. Deer Teacher ** Source: ''[[Kiff]]'' (2023-2024) ===''Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur''=== * '''The Lower East Side without Bubbe Bina's Knish Niche?! Nuh-uh!''' ** Who: Lunella Lafayette/Moon Girl (Season 1) ** Source: ''Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur'' (2023-2024) * '''Moon Girl?! Almost didn’t recognize you for the...!''' ** Who: The Beyonder (Season 2A) ** Source: ''Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur'' (2023-2024) ** Note: This is still technically the first line of the season, but technically the first line is from a recap of the last episode of the season by Lunella Lafayette/Moon Girl which is "It'll only work if we're on opposite sides of the portal". ===''Elliott from Earth''=== * '''I gotta take these upstairs. You okay watching the store for a bit?''' ** Who: Gas station shop owner ** Source: ''[[Elliott from Earth]]'' (2021-2022) ===''The Cuphead Show!''=== * '''Cuphead? Mugman?''' * '''Yes, Elder Kettle?''' ** Who: Elder Kettle, Cuphead, and Mugman (Part 1) ** Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (2022-2023) * '''We were tricked into breaking into that cookie factory! This is what we get for listening to Ms. Chalice!''' ** Who: Mugman (Part 2) ** Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (2022-2023) * '''...Mugman?''' ** Who: Cuphead (Part 3) ** Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (2022-2023) ===''Hilda''=== * '''See that, Twig? It's a troll rock! Trolls don't usually come far down the mountain. I've got to draw this!''' ** Who: Hilda (Season 1) ** Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-2023) * '''We're coming for you!''' ** Who: Hilda (Season 2) ** Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-2023) * '''Ah!''' **Who: Hilda **Source: ''Hilda and The Mountain King'' (2021) ===''The Proud Family''=== * '''GEYEOUCH!!!''' ** Who: Oscar Proud ** Note: Heard at the end of the theme song that opens every episode. * '''Alright ladies...and Michael.''' ** Who: Dijonay Jones ** Source: ''[[The Proud Family]]'' (2001-2005) * '''Wha..? I'm...so...HIP!!! WOO!!!''' **Who: Penny Proud **Source: ''The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder'' (2022-2023) ===''Elinor Wonders Why''=== * '''What should we play today at recess?''' ** Who: Olive Elephant (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[Elinor Wonders Why]]'' (2020-2025) * '''Olive, look how much our baby plants has grown!''' ** Who: Elinor Rabbit (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[Elinor Wonders Why]]'' (2020-2025) ===''Fist of the North Star''=== * '''In the year 199X, the world was devastated by a nuclear war. The very Earth had been destroyed beyond repair, but mankind survived.''' ** Who: The Narrator ** Source: ''[[Fist of the North Star]]'' (1984) ===''DuckTales''=== * '''Scrooge McDuck, he had a vault, E-I-E-I-O. And in this vault, he had some dough, E-I-E-I-O. Ah, there's only one thing better than owning a vault full of cold-hard cash, and that's swimming in it! I love to dive around in it like a porpoise, and burrow through it like a gopher and toss it up and let it hit me on the head. Curse me kilts, I'm late!''' ** Who: Scrooge McDuck ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (1987 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (1987-1990) * '''HEY!!''' ** Who: Sailor (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Aw, come on, a little lightning never killed anyone.''' ** Who: Launchpad McQuack (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Dew-dew-dew-dewey dewing it again. We're dewing it again, yeah.''' ** Who: Dewey Duck (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Dumb earth gravity. Won't...keep...me...from...the kids. Okay, first impression is the only impression. You gotta nail this. Greetings, children! Hellooooo! Oh, hey, didn't see you there. Simple, sincere. It's just the most important moment of your life.''' ** Who: Della Duck (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Legacy, passing the torch to a new generation. The knowledge of the old mixes with the discoveries of the new into that flavorful gumbo called tomorrow. You are that gumbo!''' ** Who: Launchpad McQuack (Season 3A) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) * '''F.O.W.L., the Fiendish Organization for World Larceny, is back. Long thought to have been eliminated by agents of S.H.U.S.H., they've risen again, led by a devious traitor.''' ** Who: Bentina Beakley (Season 3B) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) ===''My Little Pony''=== ====''My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic''==== * '''Once upon a time, in a magical land of Equestria...There were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn. The younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects: All the different types of ponies. But as time went on, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night. One fateful day, the younger unicorn refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn. The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness in the young one's heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon. She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night. Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: The Elements of Harmony! Using the magic of the Elements of Harmony, she defeated her younger sister and banished her permanently in the moon. The elder sister took on responsibility for...''' * '''...both sun and moon...''' * '''...and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since. Hmm...Elements of Harmony. I know I've heard of those before...but where?''' ** Who: Narrator and Twilight Sparkle (Season 1) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''I want to start our field trip here, in the world-famous Canterlot Sculpture Garden.''' ** Who: Cheerilee (Season 2) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''News from northern Equestria! Uh...Your Highness.''' ** Who: A Guard (Season 3) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''You gotta really flap 'em hard!''' ** Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 4) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Let's go through this one more time.''' ** Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 5A) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Was that the pony post?''' ** Who: Rarity (Season 5B) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Okay. Library, library...where did they put the library?''' ** Who: Starlight Glimmer (Season 6A) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Well, don't stop there! You read, I pack. That’s the deal.''' ** Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 6B) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Hey, Spike. What's up?''' ** Who: Starlight Glimmer (Season 7A) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Care for a carrot-ginger sandwich?''' ** Who: Fluttershy (Season 7B) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''This happened while we were gone?''' ** Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 8A) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Who can tell me what these are?''' ** Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 8B) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Oh, good. We're all here.''' ** Who: Fluttershy (Season 9A) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''I thought Pinkie Pie said to get here right away.''' ** Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 9B) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) ====Misc.==== * '''I've always loved you but...''YOU'VE RUINED ME!!!''''' ** Who: Rarity ** Source: ''My Little Pony: Pony Life'' (2020-2025) ===''Work It Out Wombats!''=== * '''Solve the little jobs one by one and you'll get the big one done! Better check the old to-do list! Done and done. Just one more to-do left to do. But first, better make sure my little Wombats are up!''' ** Who: Grandma Super ** Source: ''Work It Out Wombats'' (2023-2024) ===''Gravity Falls''=== * '''Ah, summer break. A time of leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy. Unless you're me. My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. Rest assured, there's a perfectly logical explanation.''' ** Who: Dipper Pines (Season 1A) * '''Ladies and gentlemen, we now return to Cash Wheel! Sponsored by Chip-ackers: The chip-flavored crackers.''' ** Who: TV Announcer (Season 1B) * '''Thirty long years and it's all lead up to this, my greatest achievement!''' ** Who: Stanley Pines (Season 2A) * '''Wait up!''' * '''Yeah, you should keep up!''' ** Who: Young Stanley and Stanford Pines (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012-2016) * '''Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back!''' ** Bill Cipher ===''The Garfield Show''=== *'''Be careful Jennifer, the unspeakable horrors nearby, it could be anywhere, anywhere at all… You never know what an unspeakable horror will just walk in the door…''' ** Who: Man on TV ===''Animaniacs''=== * '''Newsreel of the Stars. Dateline: Hollywood, 1930, the Warner Bros. Studio, home of the biggest stars in Tinsel Town. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters - the Warner Brothers and their sister, Dot.''' ** Who: Narrator * '''Helloooo Nurse!''' ** Who: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs]]'' (1993-1998) * '''Alan, this species of cartoon has been extinct since 1993. I mean, these haven't been seen on TV since the golden era of animation! What?''' ** Who: Dr. Ellie Sattler (Season 1) ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020-2025) * '''T-togas!''' ** Who: Yakko Warner (Season 2) ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020-2025) * '''Hey, sibs! Remember when we had our DNA tested?''' ** Who: Yakko Warner (Season 3) ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020-2025) ===''Star vs. the Forces of Evil''=== * ''[narration]'' '''Far, far away, on a magical land called Mewni lived a princess, Star Butterfly.''' ''[spoken]'' '''RAIL SLIDE!!!!''' ''[narration]'' '''Some people have called me reckless and irresponsible just because, I fight monsters and tame wild unicorns. I like to have a lot of fun and I'm about have a whole lot more because today is my 14th birthday, and according to tradition, my mom the queen has to bestow upon me our greatest family heirloom: the royal magic wand!''' ** Who: Star Butterfly (Season 1) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Guess who? It's me, Star! I have some exciting news for you. Well first, Marco got kidnapped, and I had to blow up a bunch of stuff including my wand, and I was super bummed, because I thought was never gonna get to do magic again, but then I got my new wan.. My new wand! Oh yeah, and Marco's okay. Say hi, Marco!''' ** Who: Star Butterfly (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''You know what, Jackie, can I call you back? Look Star, this is a stressful situation I get that, but would it kill you to slow down for a second? You're kind of going overboard. I mean, do you really have to pack this vintage laptop and this purple-y bubbly tea thingy? Why don't you try some breathing exercises?''' ** Who: Marco Diaz (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Did you hear that?''' ** Who: Angie Diaz (Season 3A) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Mama, I need to talk to you! I can't believe it!''' ** Who: Star Butterfly (Season 3B) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Oh! Not bad, me!''' ** Who: Star Butterfly (Season 4A) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Whatcha lookin' at over there?''' ** Who: Marco Diaz (Season 4B) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) ===''Big City Greens''=== * '''HAHAHAHAHHHHHH!!! Oh, hi there! We're your new neighbors. My name's Cricket. Cricket Green. Hey, where ya goin'? Oh, okay, you're busy that's fine. Well stop by anytime!''' ** Who: Cricket Green (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ** Note: Quote was from "Space Chicken", which is technically the second episode chronologically but the first produced as a pilot. The "official" first line was, "Movin' to Gramma's house, oh, we're movin' to Gramma's house, oh, we're movin' to Gramma's houuuuuuuse!" * '''And a one, and a two, and a JUMP!''' ** Who: Tilly Green (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''"No trespassing", huh? Well Nancy Green ain't trespassin', she's liberatin'.''' ** Who: Nancy Green (Season 1C) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ** Note: Quote from "Uncaged", which is the actual mid-season premiere. But, if you count "Harvest Dinner" as the mid-season premiere then the first line would be "I'm not one to boast, but gosh darn it, you done good, Bill Green." by Bill Green. * '''Look alive, Cricket. The boss Ms. Cho will be here any minute.''' ** Who: Gloria Sato (Season 2A part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Nothing like an exciting day of window shopping, huh kids?''' ** Who: Bill Green (Season 2A part 2) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Upsy daisy, Gramma! C'mon, family! Follow the sound of my voice!''' ** Who: Cricket Green (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Oh, this is awful!''' * '''You wouldn't believe it!''' * '''It's terrible!''' * '''What are we gonna do?!''' ** Who: The Green Family (Season 2C part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ** Note: Quote from "Chipocalypse Now" which is the actual mid-season premiere. But if you count "Rent Control" as the mid-season premiere, then the first line would be "Oh, Gloria, how did it come to this? First, Big Coffee gets shut down and I lose my job. But then I get a job at Wholesome Foods! Cool, right? Wrong! I have to go and sacrifice it to help the Greens save their house, which I am now living in, because I can't pay for my apartment, BECAUSE I HAVE NO JOB!!!!!!!!!" by Gloria Sato. * '''All right, from the top!''' ** Who: Community Sue (Season 2C part 2) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''How we doin' on untangling those lights, ladies?''' ** Who: Bill Green (Season 3A part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ** Note: Although it's not really the first line in Season 3. The season premiere was supposed to be "Boss Life". That means the first line in Season 3 was supposed to be "Comin' right up!" by Cricket Green. * '''Order of quiet...''' ''[muffled]'' '''...and I said, no, no.''' ** Who: Cricket Green (Season 3A part 2) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Hey everyone, did you hear the news?!''' ** Who: Benny (Season 3B part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ** Note: Quote from "The Move" which is the actual mid-season premiere. But, if you count "Country Side" as the mid-season premiere, then the first line would be "Remember when I let all the animals into the cafe?!" by Cricket Green. * '''My dearest Andromeda: Hi! This is your old pal, Tilly, reportin' in from the country. It's my first week here, and the weather is lovely. You can even see the whole galaxy at night! Trust me when I say it is ''beautiful!'' I miss you soooooooooOOOOOOOO much! And that is with seventeen O's, which you know I do NOT use lightly. I've been feelin' a bit lonely without ya, and unsure what to do about it. So this mornin', I decided to head to the woods to get some friendly advice. Ya see, here in the country, the woods are full of wise creatures. But for this problem, I needed advice from the wisest creature of them all.''' ** Who: Tilly Green (Season 3B part 2) * '''It was the citiest of times, it was the country-est of times. Ever since Mama moved to the country, life has never been better for the Green family. Mama spends her days farming crops in Smalton, and Papa sells those crops at our stand in the city.''' ** Who: Tilly Green (Season 4A part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!''' ** Who: Cricket Green, Tilly Green, Remy Remington, and Andromeda (Season 4A part 2) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Wowee... the Smalton Fair! An ode to the ballyhoo of yesteryear.''' ** Who: Tilly Green (Season 4B part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Yup, today's the day. FAMILY, I'M DYIN'!''' ** Who: Alice Green (Season 4B part 2) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Stay alert, crew.''' ** Who: Boat captain (Season 4C part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ===''Amphibia''=== * '''Good night, you frogs! See you in the 'morrow! Oi!''' ** Who: Walliam Ribbiton aka One-Eyed Wally (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) * '''Iced flies! Get your iced flies here!''' ** Who: Unknown Frog (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) * '''Help, it's been three months. Still up here.''' ** Who: Unknown Frog (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) ** Note: Although "Handy Anne" is the season premiere, it could also be the second episode of the season if the first one was "The Shut In", even though it's a non-canon. If the Halloween episode was the season premiere, then the first line of the season would be "Happy Shut In!" by an unknown frog. * '''All right, Polly, check this out! According to this map, if we drive straight through the night, we'll be home by morning!''' ** Who: Sprig Plantar (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) * '''What the...?!''' * '''Aah! What is that thing?!''' * '''What is that thing?!''' ** Who: The Plantar Family (Season 3A) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) * '''Okay, this is getting hard to ignore, X. What do you know about these amphibious extraterrestrials?''' ** Who: FBI Chief (Season 3B) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) ** Note: Although, this is not really the first line of Season 3B. The mid-season premiere was supposed to be "Commander Anne". That means the first line of Season 3B was supposed to be "What happened to this place?!". ===''Soul Eater''=== * '''A sound soul, dwells within a sound of mind and a sound body.''' ** Who: Maka Albarn ** Note: Used in every episode except the final episode of the series. ===''SpongeBob SquarePants''=== * '''Ah, the sea...so fascinating. So wonderful. Here we see Bikini Bottom teeming with life. Home of one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly.''' ** Who: French Narrator (season 1) (broadcast and production) ** Note: Although, if not counting the French Narrator, SpongeBob is the first character to speak. * '''Today's the big day, Gary!''' [Gary: Meow] '''Look at me, I'm NAKED!!!!!''' ''[puts on his pants]'' '''I gotta be in top physical condition for today, Gary.''' [Gary: Meow.] ** Who: ''SpongeBob SquarePants'' (season 1) * [Gary: Meow.] ''[shocked]'' Gary! ''[quickly changes to the football game on the TV]'' '''I was just looking for the sports channel, Gary.''' ''[nervous laugh; hears a knock on the door]'' '''Come in!''' ** Who: ''SpongeBob SquarePants'' (season 2) (production) * '''Wow, it's Sunday! Guess what's for breakfast!''' [Gary: Meow?] '''That's right! A sundae!''' ** Who: ''SpongeBob SquarePants'' (season 2) (broadcast) * ''[in a bored tone]'' '''Here you go, sir. A King-Size Ultra Krabby Supreme with the works, double batter fried on a stick.''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 3) (production) * '''Excuse me, miss?''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 3) (broadcast) * '''Finished at last! What do you boys think of me new masterpiece?''' ** Who: Mr. Krabs (season 4) * '''We take you now to Encino, California, where we find the President of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club...flipping burgers?!''' ** Who: French Narrator (season 5) (production and broadcast) * '''Oooooooooooooooooooooooo-oioooooooh-woh-wooooh, how much chum could a sea slug chug if a sea slug could chug... ''[gasps, grabs the phone]'' '''Mr. Krabs, you gotta get out of here! It's a code blue situation!''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 6) (production) * '''Hello, and welcome one and all, to a super special episode of House Fancy. I'm your host, Nicholas Withers. Our first, very special guest on today's show will be none other than...''' ** Who: Nicholas Withers (season 6) (broadcast) * '''All of the most intelligent programming starts before 5 AM.''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 7) (production) * '''The coast looks clear.''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 7) (broadcast) * '''Hmmm. Sounds like a mutiny. What the...? What in Neptune's knickers is this?!''' ** Who: Mr. Krabs (season 8) (production) * '''Patrick! Tee time, Patrick! Patrick!''' ''[cuts to Squidward]'' '''Tee time, Patrick!''' ''[cuts to Patrick's house]'' '''Patrick! Wake up!''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 8) (broadcast) * '''A little more sand. Pat, Pat, Pat. Pat, Pat, Patrick! Check it out. An exact replica of the Krusty Krab. One sandy patty. Extra grit.''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 9A) (production and broadcast) * '''Well Squiddy, 20 minutes of a bath is probably enough. Ah, another day, another day.''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 9B) (production) ** Note: Although it's still technically the mid-season premiere of season 9, its sister episode aired before that. * '''And how is everything for you today, sir?''' ** Who: Mr. Krabs (season 9B) (broadcast) * '''Your turn.''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 10) (production and broadcast) * '''Ooh, this grass feels great between my toes. Hey, Patrick, are you enjoying our early morning nature hike?''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 11) (production) * '''Spot? Spot? Spot? Where are you, Spot? Oh, there you are, boy! Come to me. Jump in my arms and give me your precious kisses. Good amoeba. You get a num-num.''' ** Who: Sheldon J. Plankton (season 11) (broadcast) * '''SpongeBob!''' ** Who: Mr. Krabs (season 12) (production and broadcast) * '''Order for-''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 13) (production and broadcast) * '''Alright Karen, I'm off to go Shopping.''' ** Who: Sheldon J. Plankton (season 14) (production and broadcast) *'''Nice flipping today, Spatty. Great grill work, Grilly. And we couldn't have done it without you, Flamey. See you tomorrow! Gallopin' garbage!''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 15) (production and broadcast) *'''Nothing beats a cool drink on a lazy river, eh, Patrick?''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 16) (broadcast) *'''Well, I'm off to work, Barry.''' ** Who: SpongeTom (season 16) (production) ** Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *'''Lalalalalalalalalalala! What a beautiful day to say hello to all of my favorite little critters. Hello little worm! Lalalalalalalala! Hello little snail! Moisturizing! Lalalalalalalalalala! Hello little nematodes! Aww, don't be shy!''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 17) (broadcast) *'''Time to make art.''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 17) (production) * '''First catch!''' ** Who: "First Catch" sign ** Note: SpongeBob is still technically the first character to speak. * '''Huh?''' ''[sighs]'' '''That dream again. That jelly-riffic dream. Well, today's the day I'm gonna make my dream come true.''' ** Who: Young SpongeBob SquarePants (season 1) ** Source: ''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]'' (2021-2024) * '''Steady... Almost...''' ** Who: Sheldon Plankton (season 2) ** Source: ''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]'' (2021-2024) * '''The best way out of bed, is an urchin on your head.''' ** Who: Patrick Star (season 1) ** Source: ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-2025) * '''Perch Perkins here live at the premiere of The Patrick Show season 2, let's take a look!''' ** Who: Perch Perkins (season 2) ** Source ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-2025) * '''Happy birthday, Patrick!''' ** Who: Squidina, Cecil and Bunny Star (season 3) ** Source ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-2025) * '''The Patrick Star Show is filmed before a live studio audience.''' ** Who: Narrator (season 4) ** Source ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-2025) ===''Steven Universe''=== * '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! This can't be happening! This has to be a dream! Lars! Lars! Please tell me I'm dreaming!''' ** Who: Steven Universe ** Source: ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (2013-2019) * '''Mwah!''' ** Who: Steven Universe ** Source: ''[[Steven Universe Future]]'' (2019–present) ===''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]''=== * '''Boo!''' ** Who: [[w:Rapunzel (Disney character)|Rapunzel]] (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Okay, boys. Let's get to work.''' ** Who: King Frederic (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''He went this way!''' ** Who: Corona Guards (Season 1C) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Oh. Oh! Excuse me!''' ** Who: [[w:Rapunzel (Disney character)|Rapunzel]] (Season 1D) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''I can't stand this anymore. This stone has destroyed too many lives! It stops today!''' ** Who: King Edmund (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Come on.''' ** Who: Cassandra (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Cassandra Cassandra. Cassandra. There you are, Cassandra. I'd nearly given up on you.''' ** Who: Lance Strongbow (Season 3A) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Your Highness, here's the manifest from Neserdnia's latest shipment of goods.''' ** Who: Corona Guards (Season 3B) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) ===''The Ghost and Molly McGee''=== * '''Your performance...is disappointing.''' ** Who: Ghost Council member (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-2024) * '''I can't wait for the Global Games. They enhappify the whole world all at once!''' ** Who: Molly McGee (Season 1B part 1) ** Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-2024) * '''Brighton...A place where dreams are born and turnips are grown. We may be a small town...but we've got an enlarged heart. And I'm proud to call this my forever home. My dream is to enhappify Brighton. And then to get the word enhappify in the dictionary. So choose me, Molly McGee, as Brighton's Mayor for a Day!''' ** Who: Molly McGee (Season 1B part 2) ** Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-2024) * '''Check my chops on this fill! It's called freestyle music, and I'm exploding it!''' ** Who: Scratch (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-2024) ===''The Loud House''=== * '''Do you believe in ghosts? Join me, Hunter Spector, spectre hunter, leader of the Academy of Really Good Ghost Hunters, or ARGGH! As I descend into the scariest place in any home, the basement! Sunday night at 8 PM! Don't miss it, or you'll be left in the dark! ARGGH!''' ** Who: Hunter Spector (Season 1, production and broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''It's the day before Christmas and there's no better time to be in the Loud House.''' ** Who: Lincoln Loud (Season 2, production) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''Today is the Fifth Grade Internship Fair and Clyde and I are making sure to put our best foot forward. 'Cause there's only one place we wanna work... * '''Flip's Food & Fuel!''' ** Who: Lincoln Loud and Clyde McBride (Season 2, broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''1,797, 1,798, 1,799...1800!''' ** Who: Loud family (Season 3, production) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''Yo, Chunk! Right on time, dude!''' ** Who: Luna Loud (Season 3, broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''Gah! Lalo, what the heck, dude?''' ** Who: Ronnie Anne Santiago (Season 4, production and broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''Wear lucky underwear. Check. Wear new jeans. Check. Put on best polo. Check. Things are pretty crazy around the Loud House this morning.''' ** Who: Lincoln Loud (Season 5, production and broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''There's no escape, Agent Steele! Going somewhere?''' ** Who: MALICE Agent (Season 6, production) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''That looks delicious!''' ** Who: Zach Gurdle (Season 6, broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''A little more to your left. Okay, hold out your right arm. Bend it 55 degrees now. Lift the satellite a little higher. Now, right leg up. We got it!''' ** Who: Lisa Loud (Season 7, production and broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''A little higher on the right. Little higher. Now a little lower. A little lower. It has to be perfect for Lori!''' ** Who: Lynn Loud Sr. (Season 8, production and broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) ===''The Casagrandes''=== * '''Dah!''' ** Who: Carlos Casagrande (Season 1) ** Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019–present) * '''I've got you now Bird-brain. There's nowhere for you to hide.''' ** Who: La Cobra (Season 2) ** Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019–present) * '''Gatos! Gatos! Gatos! Gatos!''' ** Who: Ronnie Anne Santiago, Sergio, and Carlos Casagrande Jr. (Season 3) ** Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019–present) ===''Thomas and Friends''=== * '''Thomas is a tank engine who lives at the big station on the Island of Sodor. He's a cheeky little engine with six small wheels, a short stumpy funnel, a short stumpy boiler, and a short stumpy dome.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Note: If not counting the narrator, Thomas is the first character to speak. * '''Wake up, Lazybones! Why can't you work hard like me?''' ** Who: Thomas ** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends]]'' (1984–2021) * '''Whoa...! And just one more track and I'll beat my "Stack the Tracks" record!''' ** Who: Thomas ** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends: All Engines Go]]'' (2021-2025) ===''Total Drama''=== * '''Yo! We're coming at you live from Camp Wawanakwa, somewhere in Muskoka, Ontario. I'm your host, Chris McLean. Dropping season one of the hottest new reality show on television, right now!''' ''[moves to Dock of Shame]'' '''Here's the deal, twenty-two campers have signed up to spend eight weeks right here at this crummy old summer camp. They'll compete in challenges against each other, then have to face the judgment of their fellow campers. Every three days, one team will either win a reward, or watch one of their team members walk down the Dock of Shame. Take a ride on the loser boat, ha ha, and leave Total Drama Island, for good.''' ''[moves to campfire pit]'' '''Their fate will be decided here, at the dramatic campfire ceremonies where each week, all, but one camper will receive...a marshmallow.''' ''[takes a bite of one marshmallow]'' '''In the end, only one will be left standing and will be rewarded with cheesy tabloid fame and a small fortune, which let's face it: they'll probably blow in a week. To survive, they'll have to battle... Black flies,''' ''[flies buzzing]'' '''Grizzly bears,''' ''[grizzly bear roars]'' '''Disgusting camp food... and each other. Every moment, we'll be caught on one of the hundreds of cameras situated all over the camp. Who will crumble under the pressure? Find out here, right now on Total Drama Island!''' **Who: Chris **Source: ''[[Total Drama]]'' (2007-2014) * '''This is Toronto, the capital of North America, birthplace of funk where the Albino panther roams free. Beneath my size-13 brogues, 18 teams are arriving at this historic train station ready to embark on a race around the world. I'm your host, Don. And this is ''The Ridonculous Race''!''' **Who: Don **Source: ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' (2015) * '''Guys! Guys! Guys? Guess what?!''' **Who: Owen **Source: ''[[Total DramaRama]]'' (2018-2025) === ''[[Winx Club]]'' === * '''Wake up, sleepy head! The sun's been up for ages!''' ** Who: Vanessa (Season 1, Cinélume version) * '''Bloom, say hello to your mother for me.''' ** Who: Mister Genaro (Season 1, 4Kids version) * '''No time. I'll be found out any second now.''' ** Who: Aisha/Layla (Season 2, Cinélume version) * '''Summer was over and it was my first day back at Alfea. I was officially a sophomore!''' ** Who: Bloom (Season 2, 4Kids version) * '''I'll take this one to Mom's, that one to Dad's, no, wait! I need the blue top for Mom's picnic. But then I should have the red dress for Dad's royal parade.''' ** Who: Stella (Season 3, Cinélume version) * '''I'll bring this dress to Mom's for her garden tea and, let's see...hmmm, these to Dad's for the royal parade. Boy, packing for vacation when your parents are separated is way complicated. Do you think the garden tea dress should go to Dad's for open palace day?''' ** Who: Stella (Season 3, 4Kids version) * '''I'll take this blouse to Mom's and that dress to Dad's. No, wait! I need the blue top for Mom's picnic. Oh, but then I'll need the red dress for Dad's royal parade.''' ** Who: Stella (Season 3, Atlas Oceanic version) * '''Ah, a new year has started at Alfea.''' ** Who: Bloom (Season 4, Cinélume version) * '''I can't believe we're back at Alfea!''' ** Who: Bloom (Season 4, Nickelodeon version) * '''Whoo-hoo! Hello, Gardenia!''' ** Who: Bloom (Season 5) * '''Come on, you two!''' ** Who: Icy (Season 6) * '''Last stop, Alfea! Here we are!''' ** Who: Stella (Season 7) * '''Look at that!''' ** Who: Kelli (Season 8) ** Source: ''[[Winx Club]]'' (2003-2021) * '''My dear Pixieville Pixies, welcome to the celebration! Once again the protection spell will defend us from all outside dangers throughout the year! At this time we'd like to celebrate The Tree of Life! Let's all give thanks to it! An energy flows inside the tree and a sparkle of that power shines in each of its MagicPops! This year more pixies will earn their MagicPop by discovering their talent and using it for good. Caramel, Martino and Amore were the last Pixies to earn a MagicPop!''' ** Who: Ninfea ** Source: ''PopPixie'' (2011) * '''No sign of suspect in sector one.''' ** Who: Bloom ** Source: World of Winx (2016-2017) ==See also== * [[Last lines in animated TV shows]] [[Category:First lines|Animated TV shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows|*]] jaifdnzc5x2ux09njiwlo1w4bdc4sy1 0 217054 3955272 3955029 2026-06-22T10:38:26Z GrimRob 1187925 /* 2026–present */ resignation speech 3955272 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer Official Portrait (cropped).jpg|thumb|Politics can be a force for good. We will show that.]] '''[[w:Keir Starmer|Sir Keir Starmer]]''' [[w:Keir Starmer|KCB]] [[w:King's Counsel|KC]] (/ˈkɪər ˈstɑːrmər/; born 2 September 1962) is a British [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]] politician, and [[w:Prime Minister of the United Kingdom|Prime Minister of the United Kingdom]] following the [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|2024 general election]]. A former [[w:barrister|barrister]], he was elected as [[w:leader of the Labour Party (UK)|Leader of the Labour Party]] in April 2020, becoming [[w:Leader of the Opposition (United Kingdom)|Leader of the Opposition]]. Previously, he was the [[w:Director of Public Prosecutions (England and Wales)|Director of Public Prosecutions]] (DPP) and the Head of the [[w:Crown Prosecution Service|Crown Prosecution Service]] (CPS). He has served as the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|member of parliament]] for [[w:Holborn and St Pancras|Holborn and St Pancras]] since 2015. == Quotes == [[File:Official portrait of Keir Starmer.jpg|thumb|[T]he government aims high.]] * [I ask] the question of the role the police should play, if any, in civil society. Who are they protecting and from what? ** Opinion piece on the {{w|Wapping dispute}} (1986), as quoted in Patrick Maguire, [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2020/03/keir-starmer-sensible-radical "Keir Starmer: The sensible radical"], ''The New Statesman'' (31 March 2020) === 2016 === *The referendum is clear and has to be accepted and we can't have a re-run of the question that was put to the country earlier this year. But, and it's a big but, there has to be democratic grip of the process and, at the moment, what the prime minister's trying to do is to manoeuvre without any scrutiny in [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliament]] and that's why the terms on, which we're going to negotiate absolutely have to be put to a vote in the House. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-37600563 "Brexit: MPs should vote on talks, says Labour's Starmer"] ''BBC News'' (9 October 2016) *We accept and respect the outcome of the referendum. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-37860618 "Reality Check: Could High Court ruling on Article 50 scupper Brexit?"] ''BBC News'' (3 November 2016) *What I think is really important is that the government aims high. My worry is that the [[Government of the United Kingdom|government]] has attached so much importance to [[immigration]] that it's not even going to try to get the best access to the single market. In other words, it's going to give up before it starts. My sense is that the government is saying 'because we want to take such a hard line on immigration we are going to give up on parts of the argument that would be better for the economy'. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-politics-37936401 "Brexit talks should include free movement, says Keir Starmer"] ''BBC News'' (10 November 2016) === 2017 === *I wish the result had gone the other way. I campaigned passionately for that. But as democrats our party has to accept that result and it follows that the prime minister should not be blocked from starting the Article 50 negotiations. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38799686 "Brexit decision 'difficult' for Labour, Keir Starmer says"] ''BBC News'' (31 January 2017) * What's clear, from the CBI and others, is that there is no result that would be worse for the British economy than leaving [the EU] with no deal ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-39277845 "Brexit: Donald Tusk warns UK against 'no deal threat'"] ''BBC News'' (15 March 2017) *The Labour Party has supported strong counter-terrorism legislation over the years and we have that commitment in our manifesto **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-40186744 "Labour's Keir Starmer says IRA comments were 'regrettable'"] ''BBC News'' (7 June 2017) *We are absolutely clear we can not have a hard border we need to negotiate with our EU partners. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-40186744 "Labour's Keir Starmer says IRA comments were 'regrettable'"] ''BBC News'' (7 June 2017) *Labour would seek a transitional deal that maintains the same basic terms that we currently enjoy with the EU. That means we would seek to remain in a customs union with the [[European Union|EU]] and within the single market during this period. It means we would abide by the common rules of both. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-41064314 "Brexit: Keep single market for transition period - Labour"] ''BBC News'' (27 August 2017) *Remaining in a form of customs union after a transition post-Brexit phase remained a possible end destination for the Labour party. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-41378928 "Labour conference: Starmer claims 'grown-up' Brexit stance"] ''BBC News'' (25 September 2017) *[I want a partnership with the EU that] retains the benefits of the single market and the customs union **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42298971 "Brexit: David Davis wants 'Canada plus plus plus' trade deal"] ''BBC News'' (10 December 2017) === 2018 === *Obviously, there are lots of benefits from a customs union, none more so, in many respects, than in Northern Ireland. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-42853018 "Sir Keir Starmer makes NI warning over Brexit deal"] ''BBC News'' (29 January 2018) *We all want to do bold new trade agreements but we would be better off doing that with the EU. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43186005 "Labour wants permanent customs union treaty after Brexit - Starmer"] ''BBC News'' (25 February 2018) *Benefits of the single market and customs union... need to be hard-wired into the final agreement **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43513287 "Labour frontbencher Owen Smith backs another EU referendum"] ''BBC News'' (23 March 2018) *There's a growing view, I think probably a majority view in Parliament now, that it's in our national interests and economic interests to stay in a customs union with the EU. We've got a huge manufacturing sector in the UK that needs to be protected, with many goods going over borders many, many times, and we need to protect that. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43821737 "Brexit: Senior MPs to force customs union vote"] ''BBC News'' (19 April 2018) *It is right for Parliament to have the first say but if we need to break the impasse, our options must include campaigning for a public vote and nobody is ruling out Remain as an option. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45631792 "Labour conference: Members vote to keep referendum option open"] ''BBC News'' (25 September 2018) *I remain as convinced as ever that the consequences of no deal would be so severe that it cannot be allowed to happen. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46168194 "Brexit: New referendum still an option, says Emily Thornberry"] ''BBC News'' (11 November 2018) === 2019 === *During the talks, almost literally as we were sitting in the room talking, cabinet members and wannabe Tory leaders were torpedoing the talks with remarks about not being willing to accept the customs union. In terms of the team that we were negotiating with, I'm not blaming them. Circling around those that were in the room trying to negotiate were others who didn't want the negotiation to succeed because they had their eye on what was coming next. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48319757 "Brexit: Withdrawal Agreement Bill 'should include public vote'"] ''BBC News'' (18 May 2019) *When you say you will leave without a deal - do or die - what sort of message does that send to the people of Northern Ireland? **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-49797636 "Sir Keir Starmer: MPs 'casual' about no-deal Brexit for NI"] ''BBC News'' (23 September 2019) === 2020 === [[File:Keir Starmer sidebar.jpg|thumb|[I]f you are anti-Semitic, you cannot and should not be in the Labour Party. No ifs, no buts.]] * I don’t think there are big issues on which I’ve changed my mind. The big issue we were grappling with then was how the Labour Party, or the left generally, bound together the wider movement and its strands of equality – feminist politics, green politics, LGBT – which I thought was incredibly exciting, incredibly important. ** Quoted in Patrick Maguire, [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2020/03/keir-starmer-sensible-radical "Keir Starmer: The sensible radical"], ''The New Statesman'' (31 March 2020) * [[w:Passover|Passover]] is also a fitting moment for me to acknowledge the pain and hurt that the Labour Party has caused Jewish people in recent years. [[Antisemitism|Anti-Semitism]] has been a stain on our party. I have seen first-hand the unacceptable and unimaginable levels of grief and distress it has caused many in the [[Jews|Jewish]] community and beyond. It is why my very first act on becoming leader over the weekend was to apologise for the hurt that has been caused. I want to apologise again and reiterate my pledge to tear out this poison by its roots. * The principle of what I want to achieve is clear: if you are anti-Semitic, you cannot and should not be in the Labour Party. No ifs, no buts. ** [https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/comment/i-apologise-to-the-jewish-community-rebuilding-your-trust-starts-now-a4408901.html "Keir Starmer: I apologise to the Jewish community — rebuilding your trust starts now"] ''Evening Standard'' (7 April 2020) ** Extracts from a pre-recorded speech on 4 April 2020 when Starmer became leader of the Labour Party. See [[Antisemitism in the UK Labour Party]]. === 2021 === [[File:Keir Starmer- Remembrance Sunday at the Cenotaph.jpg|thumb|I will change the things that need changing and that is the change that I will bring about.]] *There are four [[Elections in the United Kingdom|elections]] on Thursday 6 May. **[https://twitter.com/kglasss/status/1390230023290957829 Twitter] ''Kieran Glasssmith'' *I will change the things that need changing and that is the change that I will bring about. **[https://twitter.com/AdamBienkov/status/1390685349341548547 Twitter] ''Adam Bienkov'' * I've got to do [[Neil Kinnock|Kinnock]] and [[Tony Blair|Blair]]'s job in one term. ** Conversation with [[w:Jason Cowley (journalist)|Jason Cowley]] (summer 2021), recounted in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/keir-starmer-politics-prime-minister-labour-7dbz3cq0j "The Keir Starmer I know: an outsider driven by self-belief, not politics"], ''The Sunday Times'' (25 May 2024). ** The Labour leaders Neil Kinnock (1983–1992) and Tony Blair (from 1994) are most credited with ending one of the party's extended periods of being out of power (1979–1997). === 2022 === * What a pathetic spectacle: the dying act of his [Boris Johnson's] political career is to parrot that nonsense. As for those who are left, they are only in office because no one else is prepared to debase themselves any longer—the charge of the lightweight brigade. Have some self-respect! For a week, he has had them defending his decision to promote [[w:Chris Pincher|[Chris Pincher]]] a sexual predator. Every day, the lines he has forced them to take have been untrue: first, that he was unaware of any allegation—untrue; then, that he was unaware of any “specific” allegation—untrue; then, that he was unaware of any “serious, specific” allegation; and now he wants them to go out and say that he simply forgot that his Whip was a sexual predator. Anyone with anything about them would be long gone from his Front Bench. In the middle of a crisis, does the country not deserve better than a Z-list cast of nodding dogs? **Starmer's questions to Prime Minister [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]] regarding the [[w:Chris Pincher scandal|Chris Pincher scandal]], during one of his last Prime Ministers' Questions sessions, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVyUMjcnNvQ via UK Parlament's YouTube channel] (6 July 2022) * So let me be very clear: with Labour, Britain will not go back into the EU. We will not be joining the single market. We will not be joining a customs union. ** Speech quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/jul/04/starmer-ends-labour-silence-on-brexit-as-he-rules-out-rejoining-single-market "Starmer ends Labour silence on Brexit as he rules out rejoining single market"], ''The Guardian'' (4 July 2022). * [Asked if he was concerned about the police dealing with anti-monarchist protesters during a period of national mourning six days after Queen [[Elizabeth II]] died.] The word I would use around that issue is respect. I think if people have spent a long time waiting to come forward to have that moment as the coffin goes past or whatever it may be, I think respect that, because people have made a huge effort to come and have that private moment to say thank you to Queen Elizabeth II.<br>Respect that. Obviously we have to respect the fact that some people disagree. One of the great British traditions is the ability to protest and to disagree.<br>But I think if it can be done in the spirit of respect. Respect the fact that hundreds of thousands of people do want to come forward and have that moment. Don’t ruin it for them.<br>But also we do need to respect the fact that other people must be entitled to express their different views. ** Comments on the ''BBC Breakfast'' programme, cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/09/14/dont-ruin-period-mourning-sir-keir-starmer-tells-anti-royalists/ "Don't 'ruin' the period of mourning, Sir Keir Starmer tells anti-royalists"] ''The Telegraph'' (14 September 2022) * Today I want to set out what's at stake for Britain, because while politics is always about choices, the choice now is as stark as it gets. We face a battle for the soul of our country, who we are, who we're for, and the Labour choices of Britian is that it's greener, fairer, and more dynamic. **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhaW-WfyiQU/As Government is in turmoil, Starmer calls for an Election] Speech (October 2022) * The lady's not for turning up. **Starmer to [[Penny Mordaunt]] about [[Liz Truss]], as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/liz-truss-penny-mordaunt-starmer-b2204440.html "Liz Truss accused of ‘hiding away’ after sending Penny Mordaunt to face MPs in her place"], ''The Independent'' (17 October 2024) ** An allusion to a comments by [[Margaret Thatcher]] at the 1980 Conservative Party conference ending with "You turn if you want to. The lady's not for turning". [https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/fashion/liz-truss-tory-leadership-thatcher-outfit-b2124664.html Truss was accused] of copying the former prime minister's wardrobe. * The only mandate she's ever had was from members opposite. It was a mandate built on fantasy economics, and it ended in disaster. The country's got nothing to show for it except the destruction of the economy and the implosion of the [[Conservative Party (UK)|Tory Party]]. I've got the list here: 45p tax cut, gone. Corporation tax cut, gone. 20p tax cut, gone. Two-year energy freeze, gone. Tax-free shopping, gone. Economic credibility, gone! And her supposed best friend [[w:Kwasi Kwarteng|the former chancellor]], he's gone as well. They're all gone! So why is she still here? **Starmer's questions to Prime Minister Liz Truss regarding the [[w:September 2022 United Kingdom mini-budget|September 2022 "mini budget"]] during her last Prime Ministers' Questions session, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVHAnuYL070 via The Guardian's YouTube channel] (19 October 2022) * The only time he ran in a competitive election, he got trounced by the former prime minister, who herself got beaten by lettuce! **Starmer's questions to Prime Minister [[w:Rishi Sunak|Rishi Sunak]] regarding Sunak losing his first leadership bid to Liz Truss, during Sunak's first Prime Ministers' Questions session, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lOCgI_WOR8 via The Guardian's YouTube channel] (25 October 2022) * So that means fair rules, firm rules, a points-based system. What I would like to see is the numbers go down in some areas. I think we're recruiting too many people from overseas into, for example, the health service. But on the other hand, if we need high-skilled people in innovation in tech to set up factories etc, then I would encourage that. * [Opposing a future Scottish independence referendum regardless of the [[Supreme Court of the United Kingdom|Supreme Court]] in [[London]] potentially deciding to accept the [[w:Scottish Parliament|Scottish Parliament]] has a legal right to hold one.] It's good the case has gone to court because I think it's better to have legal certainty, so we all know the basis on which we're operating [...] All the court is going to be able to rule is, if it does rule in favour, is that there could or can be, [that] it's legally permissible to have a referendum. That doesn't answer the political question, which is 'should there be a referendum'? ** Interviewed on ''The Sunday Show'' (BBC Scotland television programme, 6 November 2022), as cited in "Keir Starmer says NHS jobs must be filled domestically as he fails to set out democratic route to independence"], ''The Scotsman'' (7 November 2022). * We took the decision to leave and we have left. So now what we need to do is rather than just sticking with the deal we've got which is not good enough, we need to make [[Brexit]] work. ** Interviewed on ''The Sunday Show'' (BBC Scotland television programme, 6 November 2022), as quoted in [https://www.heraldscotland.com/politics/23104770.keir-starmer-no-case-returning-eu/ "Keir Starmer: There is no case for returning to the EU"] ''The Herald'' (Glasgow, 6 November 2022). ===2023 === * [[Antisemitism]] is an evil. It is a very specific type of [[racism]], one that festers and spreads like an infection. Its conspiratorial nature attracts those who would have no truck with any other form of prejudice. Indeed, it can be those who call themselves "[[Anti-racism|anti-racist]]" who are most blind to it. The reason the [[w:Equality and Human Rights Commission|Equality and Human Rights Commission]] (EHRC) opened their investigation into the Labour Party was because it had become an incubator for this poison. We needed to change. That's why my first act as leader was to commit to tearing antisemitism out by the roots, without fear or favour. * The Labour Party I lead today is unrecognisable from 2019. There are those who don't like that change, who still refuse to see the reality of what had gone on under the previous leadership. To them I say in all candour: we are never going back. If you don’t like it, nobody is forcing you to stay. * The Labour Party I lead is patriotic. It is a party of public service, not protest. It is a party of equality, justice and fairness; one that proudly puts the needs of working people above any fringe interest. It is a party that doesn't just talk about change – it delivers it. ** [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/keir-starmer-my-labour-is-patriotic-a-party-of-equality-not-protest-xgsrflzl8 "Keir Starmer: My Labour is patriotic, a party of equality not protest"] ''The Times'' (14 February 2023) * The lettuces are out, but the turnips are in. ** To Sunak at PMQs (March 2023) * They blew up for me an incredibly detailed photograph of a lung with very dark marks on it which were all the air pollution from our roads which were causing cancer in that and many other patients.<br />It's worth us all just asking ourselves...if we are not prepared to do these sort of schemes what are we going to do.<br />If increasing numbers of people, and young people as well, are getting cancer...I have to say..intake of breath when I saw the phot[o]graph, they said there are the dark areas that are lung cancer because of it (air pollution). We can’t just sit that out. ** On a visit to the [[w:Francis Crick Institute|Crick Institute]] in an interview on [[w:LBC|LBC]], as cited in [https://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/keir-starmer-greater-london-ulez-expansion-sadiq-khan-lung-cancer-b1081142.html "Keir Starmer: Ulez expansion needed to curb lung cancer"], ''Evening Standard'' (15 May 2023). * [On the [[w:Just Stop Oil|Just Stop Oil]] protests] I can't wait for them to stop their antics, frankly. They're interrupting iconic sporting events that are part of our history, tradition and massively looked forward to across the nation. I absolutely condemn the way they go about their tactics. And I have to say it's riddled with an arrogance that only they have the sort of right to force their argument on other people in this way. ** On [[w:Times Radio|Times Radio]] (6 July 2023), as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/keir-starmer-speech-protesters-climate-change-8q5l0dq0z "Keir Starmer promises compulsory arts or sport until 16"] ''The Times'' (6 July 2023) * In fact, I hate tree huggers. ** Reported (but officially denied) comments to the Shadow Cabinet after a presentation from [[Ed Miliband]] (Shadow Secretary of State for Climate Change and Net Zero), as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/labour-green-climate-change-starmer-miliband-b2372012.html "'I hate tree huggers': How Starmer apparently exploded over Labour’s green policy"] ''The Independent'' (10 July 2023) ** The claim originally appeared in a [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/i-hate-tree-huggers-keir-starmer-explodes-over-green-policy-6hhnj9r9x ''Sunday Times''] article on 9 July 2023. * As for [[w:2023 Uxbridge and South Ruislip by-election|Uxbridge [and South Ruislip]]], we always knew that was going to be tough [...] [[w:Uxbridge (UK Parliament constituency)|We didn't win Uxbridge in 1997]], and obviously we knew that [[w:Ultra Low Emission Zone|ULEZ]] [(Ultra Low Emission Zone)] was an issue. That's why we lost in Uxbridge.<br />We all need to reflect on that, including [[Sadiq Khan|the mayor]] [of London], but there's no taking away from the historic event that has happened here in [[w:2023 Selby and Ainsty by-election|Selby [and Ainsty]]]. ** [https://news.sky.com/story/labours-uxbridge-defeat-sparks-blame-game-weve-got-a-lot-to-think-about-12924770 "Labour's Uxbridge defeat sparks blame game: 'We've got a lot to think about'"], ''Sky News'' (21 July 2023) ** On 20 July 2023, three by-elections were held. Labour was narrowly defeated in [[w:Uxbridge and South Ruislip (UK Parliament constituency)|Uxbridge and South Ruislip]] (the former constituency of Conservative [[Boris Johnson]]) by 495 votes, but gained [[w:Selby and Ainsty (UK Parliament constituency)|Selby and Ainsty]] from the Conservatives with a voting swing of 23.7%. * Every time there's been the threat of a rebellion he's backed down. The one thing you get if you win the leadership of your party is the right to say 'I've won the leadership and I'm going to do this, and we're going to do it and this is what I'm saying we're going to do with the party, and we're going to do it’. He doesn't have the ability to do that because he hasn't got a mandate. ** Speaking on the ''Political Party'' podcast with [[w:Matt Forde|Matt Forde]], as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/b2ee22ea-b21e-11ed-be6b-8488e113f360?shareToken=0187ff745115e9aae9a5de1e8c2a5442 "Sir Keir Starmer: I loathed unprincipled, lying Boris Johnson"] ''The Times'' (21 February 2023). === 2024 === * Further information came to light yesterday calling for decisive action, so I took decisive action. It is a huge thing to withdraw support for a Labour candidate during [[w:2024 Rochdale by-election|the course of a by-election]]. It's a tough decision, a necessary decision, but when I say the Labour Party has changed under my leadership I mean it. ** Comments in [[w:Wellingborough (UK Parliament constituency)|Wellingborough]], Northamptonshire (13 February 2024), as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/azhar-ali-latest-rochdale-labour-comments-keir-starmer-antisemitism-zqgn26cfd "Graham Jones: Labour suspends second candidate over Israel comments"], ''The Times'' (13 February 2024) ** Azhar Ali, a candidate in the [[w:2024 Rochdale by-election|2024 Rochdale by-election]] in Greater Manchester had been suspended by the Labour Party after changes to candidates listed on ballot papers could no longer be legally changed. Also suspended from the party was [[w:Graham Jones (politician)|Graham Jones]], a former Labour Party MP for [[w:Hyndburn (UK Parliament constituency)|Hyndburn]] (and selected as a candidate for the eventual [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|July 2024 general election]] in his former seat), in the neighbouring county of Lancashire. [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2024/feb/13/grassroots-labour-meeting-party-turmoil-suspended-candidates-azhar-ali-graham-jones Both had made antisemitic comments]. The [[w:2024 Wellingborough by-election|2024 Wellingborough by-election]] was held two days later. It was being disputed in the media that Starmer had taken "decisive action" against Azhar Ali as it had taken nearly two days before he was suspended after the first reports of his initial comments. <blockquote>Tonight the Prime Minister has finally announced the next General Election. A moment the country needs – and has been waiting for. And where, by the force of our democracy power returns to you. A chance to change for the better. Your future. Your community. Your country. It will feel like a long campaign – I’m sure of that. But no matter what else is said and done. That opportunity for change is what this election is about. Over the course of the last four years – we have changed the Labour Party. Returned it once more to the service of working people. All we ask now – humbly – is to do exactly the same for our country. And return Britain to the service of working people. To that purpose. We offer three reasons why you should change Britain with Labour.<br><br>One – because we will stop the chaos. Look around our country. The sewage in our rivers. People waiting on trolleys in A&E. Crime virtually unpunished. Mortgages and food prices – through the roof. It’s all – every bit of it – a direct result of the Tory chaos in Westminster. Time and again, they pursue their own interests. Rather than tackling the issues that affect your family. And if they get another five years, they will feel entitled to carry on exactly as they are. Nothing will change. A vote for Labour is a vote for stability – economic and political. A politics that treads more lightly on all our lives. A vote to stop the chaos.<br><br>Two – because it’s time for change. Our offer is to reset both our economy and our politics. So that they once again serve the interests of working people. We totally reject the Tory view that economic strength is somehow gifted from those at the top. Over the past fourteen years – through all the crises we have had to face – sticking with this idea has left our country exposed, insecure and unable to unlock the potential of every community. But a vote for Labour is a vote to turn the page on all that. A vote for change.<br><br>And finally, three – because we have a long-term plan to rebuild Britain. A plan that is ready to go. Fully-costed and fully funded. We can deliver economic stability. Cut the NHS waiting times. Secure our borders with a New Border Security Command. Harness Great British Energy to cut your bills for good. Tackle anti-social behaviour. And get the teachers we need in your children’s classroom.<br><br>But most of importantly of all, we do all this with a new spirit of service. Country first, party second. A rejection of the gesture politics you will see in this campaign, I have no doubt from the Tories and from the SNP. I am well aware of the cynicism people hold towards politicians at the moment. But I came into politics late, having served our country as leader of the Crown Prosecution Service. And I helped the Police Service in Northern Ireland to gain the consent of all communities. Service of our country is the reason – and the only reason – why I am standing here now – asking for your vote. And I believe with patience, determination and that commitment to service there is so much pride and potential we can unlock across our country. So – here it is – the future of the country – in your hands. On 4th July you have the choice. And together, we can stop the chaos. We can turn the page. We can start to rebuild Britain. And change our country. Thank you.<br> * Responding to the [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|2024 election]] being called. [https://labour.org.uk/updates/press-releases/keir-starmer-delivering-a-speech-on-the-announcement-of-the-uk-general-election/ "Keir Starmer delivering a speech on the announcement of the UK General Election"], ''Labour.org'' (22 May 2024) </blockquote> <blockquote>Now, this week is the 80th anniversary of [[w:Normandy landings|D-Day]], so I want to start by remembering the bravery of those soldiers who sailed from the South of England to the beaches of France. The individual courage and the collective strength of our troops whose sacrifice that day turned the tide of the Second World War, brought liberation to Europe, and secured our freedom. This week and every week – we will remember them. And we will honour them. Some gave their lives so we could live freely. Others returned home to build a new Britain. We salute those who remain with us today and keep the memory of their fallen comrades alive. And we recognise with one voice, as a nation, that our debt can never be paid in full.<br><br>But of course – we can honour their sacrifice with our decisions today. And we must. Because sadly, the world we live in today is perhaps more dangerous and volatile than at any time since then, and frankly, for my generation, that’s a shock. I mean, I remember vividly the day the [[w:Fall of the Berlin Wall|Berlin Wall came down]] in 1989. I remember how I felt. A sense of freedom, of possibility, of peace. European countries once again free to choose their own futures, new allegiances being made, friendships forged out of the scars of war. And above all, a sense – as the wall came down – nothing like that could happen again. An end of an era.<br><br>I didn't think that in my lifetime I would see Russian tanks entering a European country again. The rumble of war rolling across our continent, soldiers kissing their children goodbye, desperate families fleeing across European borders in search of safety. But in that moment, as we saw those pictures from Kyiv, I understood. The post-war era is over and a new age of insecurity has begun. An era where the burden of history – for people and nations will once again, be heavier on our backs. National security is the most important issue of our times. Something which, of course, is always true, and which for us, if we are privileged to serve our country, will become our solemn responsibility.<br><br>That’s not something I say lightly: the security and defence of our nation is personal to my family. Like so many families, I have relatives who served in the second world war. My mum's brother, my uncle Roger, served in the [[w:Falklands War|Falklands]] on [[w:HMS Antelope (F170)|HMS Antelope]]. And I remember the terrible wait when his ship was bombed. My mum’s fear as she sat by the radio every day, listening for news, and then the relief, a long week later, when we found out he had survived. So I know the courage, the service, and the sacrifice that allows us to sleep soundly at night from our forces and their families. I know it. I respect it. And I will serve it – with every decision. It is part of my story, and the reason why I said – from day one of my leadership – that the Labour Party had to change. Change for a purpose. To respect your service, face the future in this dangerous world, and above all – to keep Britain safe. That is why, with my changed Labour Party, national security will always come first. That’s a message I took to Kyiv last year when I visited [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelensky]]. A pledge of unwavering British support in the face of Russian tyranny. But we have to be resolute, not just in our support for Ukraine but also – in this era, at home. We must face down malign actors who try to attack and weaken our nation, and not just through traditional warfare over air, land and sea, but with hybrid threats – to our energy supply, cyber security, information warfare.<br><br> Now – I would prefer if politics were kept out of this issue – even at this election. Throughout the whole of this Parliament. I have deliberately not been partisan over issues of national security. Yet just before this election, the Tories questioned this Labour Party's commitment to national security. And I will not let that stand. The people of Britain need to know that their leaders will keep them safe – and we will. Furthermore, the truth is that after 14 years of the Tories, we are less safe and less secure. You don't have to take my word for it. The Tory's own former defence secretary says the government has failed to take defence seriously. We have the smallest army since the time of Napoleon, at a time when other countries are firmly on a war footing. So – even as we work tirelessly for peace, we have to be fit to fight. So let me be unequivocal. This Labour Party is totally committed to the security of our nation. To our armed forces. And, importantly, to our nuclear deterrent.<br><br> Just a few weeks ago I visited BAE Systems in Barrow-in-Furness. I was the first Labour leader to visit in 30 years. I saw the nuclear submarines being made. I saw an industry that supports the local community and I met workers who are proud to be doing their bit for our national security. They deserve our full support, and they will get it. The nuclear deterrent is the foundation of any plan to keep Britain safe – it is essential. That's why Labour has announced a new triple-lock commitment to our nuclear deterrent. We'll maintain Britain’s Continuous at Sea deterrent 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Deliver all the needed future upgrades and we will build four new nuclear submarines like the ones I saw in Barrow. That won't just keep us safe, it will also support good jobs and growth across the UK. One of my first visits after I became leader of the Labour Party was to Plymouth, the frontline of defence in this country. Devonport alone employs 2,500 service people and civilians, it supports 400 local businesses, and it generates around 10% of Plymouth’s income. And when I was there, I met the shipbuilding apprentices – talented, ambitious young people. And I looked them in the eye and promised that I would fight for the future of Plymouth’s defence industry. And I will. Because it's only by harnessing and supporting the strength of proud communities like Plymouth, Barrow, Aldershot, and so many more, that means we can safeguard our security and our growth for the decades to come. I mean look at Ukraine now. Industrial capacity is an absolutely critical part of security. So with Labour, Britain will be fit to fight.<br><br> Within the first year of a Labour government, we will carry out a new strategic defence review. And we're absolutely committed to spending 2.5% of GDP on defence as soon as possible, because we know our security isn't just vital for our safety today, it's absolutely central to our success for the future. National security and economic security must go hand in hand. And we also know that playing our part on the world stage makes us stronger and better off at home.<br><br> So make no mistake: I am absolutely committed to rebuilding relationships with our allies. I went to the Munich Security Conference back in February, I met with world leaders from the US, Europe and the Middle East and I met the Secretary General of NATO. And I pledged to each of them that with a Labour government, the UK would be a point of stability in a chaotic world, that we would always meet our international obligations, take our responsibilities seriously and be a leader on the world stage once more. Because when I spoke about D-Day at the beginning I wasn't just talking about respect for our past, I was thinking about our future as well. Because that is the best example of what cooperation can achieve in the face of fascism and aggression. Our joint endeavour, our shared values, our common respect for freedom, democracy, liberty, that's what we were fighting for and that fight never stops. There is a narrative you see sometimes that our values are a point of weakness. That’s what [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] thinks. But he's wrong. Ukraine has shown that, and we must be prepared to stand up as well, because those values are our cause and our strength.<br><br> Let me be clear. This is not a party-political issue, this is a national issue. It affects every single individual, every community, and Labour will always put our country first. We will serve working people across our nation, and respect our armed forces as they continue to protect our country. But on July 4th there is a choice. And you can choose to rebuild a country that is proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with European allies, that leads the way in standing up for our values and our freedom, all around the world, and that will never shy away from doing our duty at home and abroad. A stronger, safer, more secure Britain with Labour. That is the choice. It’s time to stop the chaos, time to turn the page and rebuild our country, together. Thank you very much.<br> * From the manifesto launch, as cited in [https://labour.org.uk/updates/press-releases/keir-starmer-a-stronger-safer-more-secure-britain-speech/ "Keir Starmer – A stronger, safer, more secure Britain speech"], Labour Party press release (3 June 2024)</blockquote> * This is a serious plan, carefully thought through. It is not about rabbits out of the hat, it's not about pantomime, we've had enough of that. I'm running as a candidate to be prime minister, not a candidate to run the circus. * If you want politics as pantomime, I hear Clacton is nice this time of year. ** Speaking to journalists at the manifesto launch, as cited in Jennifer Scott, [https://news.sky.com/story/labour-launches-manifesto-as-sir-keir-starmer-pledges-to-end-desperate-era-of-gimmicks-and-rebuild-britain-13152379 "Labour launches manifesto as Sir Keir Starmer pledges to end political 'pantomime' and 'rebuild Britain'"], ''Sky News'' (3 June 2024). ** [[Nigel Farage]], the [[w:Reform UK|Reform UK]] candidate in [[w:Clacton (UK Parliament constituency)|Clacton]], was gaining significant media attention. * We did it.<br />You campaigned for it, you fought for it, you voted for it and now it has arrived. Change begins now.<br />And it feels good, I have to be honest.<br />Four-and-a-half years of work changing the party. This is what it is for – a changed Labour Party ready to serve our country, ready to restore Britain to the service of working people.<br />And across our country, people will be waking up to the news – relieved that a weight has been lifted, a burden finally removed from the shoulders of this great nation.<br />And now we can look forward again, walk into the morning, the sunlight of hope, pale at first, but getting stronger through the day, shining once again on a country with the opportunity after 14 years to get its future back.<br />And I want to thank each and every one of you here for campaigning so hard for change, and not just in this campaign either – also for these four-and-a-half years changing our party.<br />The Labour movement is always – everything’s achieved past and future – down to the efforts of its people.<br />So thank you truly – you have changed our country.<br />But a mandate like this comes with great responsibility.<br />Our task is nothing less than renewing ideas that hold this country together – national renewal.<br />Whoever you are, wherever you started in life, if you work hard, if you play by the rules, this country should give you a fair chance to get on.<br />It should always respect your contribution and we have to restore that.<br />And alongside that, we have to return politics to public service, show that politics can be a force for good.<br />Make no mistake, that is the great test of politics in this era – the fight for trust is the battle that defines our age.<br />It is why we campaigned so hard on demonstrating we are fit for public service.<br />Service is the pre-condition for hope, respect the bond that can unite a country.<br />Together, the values of this changed Labour Party are the guiding principle for a new government – country first, party second.<br />That is the responsibility of this mandate.<br />You know, 14 years ago, we were told that we're all in it together.<br />I say to the British people today, imagine what we can do if that were actually true.<br />So by all means, enjoy this moment. Nobody can say you haven’t waited patiently.<br />Enjoy the feeling of waking up on a morning like this with the emotion that you do see the country through the same eyes.<br />Hold onto it, because it is what unity is made from, but use it to show to the rest of the country, as we must, that this party has changed, that we will serve them faithfully, govern for every single person in this country.<br />But also don’t forget how we got here.<br />This morning, we can see that the British people have voted to turn the page on 14 years but don’t pretend that there was anything inevitable about that – there’s nothing pre-ordained in politics.<br />Election victories don’t fall from the sky.<br />They’re hard won and hard fought for, and this one could only be won by a changed Labour Party.<br />We have the chance to repair our public services because we’ve changed the party.<br />We have the chance to make work pay because we’ve changed the party.<br />We have the chance to deliver for working people, young people, vulnerable people, the poorest in our society because we’ve changed the party.<br />'Country first, party second' isn’t a slogan – it's the guiding principle (of) everything we have done and must keep on doing – on the economy, on national security, on protecting our borders.<br />The British people have to look us in the eye and see that we can serve their interest and that work doesn’t stop now – it never stops.<br />The changes we've made are permanent, irreversible and we must keep going.<br />We ran as a changed Labour Party and we will govern as a changed Labour Party.<br />I don't promise you it will be easy. Changing a country's not like flicking a switch, it's hard work, patient work, determined work, and we will have to get moving immediately.<br />But even when the going gets tough, and it will, remember, tonight and always, what this is all about.<br />Now I may have mentioned my parents a few times in this campaign – once or twice – but the sense of security we had, the comfort they took from believing that Britain would always be better for their children, the hope, not high-minded, not idealistic, but a hope that working-class families like mine could build their lives around.<br />It is hope that may not burn brightly in Britain at the moment, but we have earned the mandate to relight the fire. That is the purpose of this party and of this Government.<br />We said we would end the chaos and we will. We said we would turn the page and we have. Today we start the next chapter, begin the work of change, the mission of national renewal and start to rebuild our country.<br />Thank you. ** Speech after winning a landslide victory (5 July 2024) * I call again for...the return of the sausages. ** Speech at the Labour Party Conference in Liverpool (22 September 2024) <!-- Quoted in Peter Hitchens, "The Disguise of Dullness", ''The American Conservative'' (22 October 2024) --> ** He quickly corrected his malapropism ('hostages' not 'sausages') * I am clear that [[Israel]] has the right to defend itself against [[Iranian]] aggression. I'm equally clear that we need to avoid further regional escalation and urge all sides to show restraint. Iran should not respond ** [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/british-pm-starmer-says-iran-should-not-respond-israeli-strikes-2024-10-26/ British PM Starmer says Iran should not respond to Israeli strikes] (25 October, updated 26 October, 2024) ==== First speech as Prime Minister (5 July 2024) ==== [[File:Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer arrives at 10 Downing Street (53836633106).jpg|thumb|Our country has voted decisively for change, for national renewal and a return of politics to public service … we can make a start today with the simple acknowledgement that public service is a privilege and that your government should treat every single person in this country with respect.]] :<small>[https://labourlist.org/2024/07/labour-general-election-results-starmer-full-speech-downing-street/ LabourList transcription (5 July 2024)] · [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/crgewjwqqq4o BBC transcription] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0y2wuKnF2M YouTube video]</small> [[File:Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer arrives at 10 Downing Street (53836682401).jpg|thumb|I invite you all to join this government of service in the mission of national renewal. Our work is urgent, and we begin it today.]] * I have just returned from [[w:Buckingham Palace|Buckingham Palace]], where I accepted an invitation from [[Charles III|His Majesty the King]] to form the next government of this great nation.<br />I want to thank the outgoing Prime Minister, [[Rishi Sunak]]. His achievement as the first British Asian Prime Minister of our country — the extra effort that that will have required — should not be underestimated by anyone.<br />We pay tribute to that today, and we also recognise the dedication and hard work he brought to his leadership. But now our country has voted decisively for change, for national renewal and a return of politics to public service. * When the gap between the sacrifices made by people and the service they receive from politicians grows this big, it leads to a weariness in the heart of a nation, a draining away of the hope, the spirit, the belief in a better future — that we need to move forward together. Now this wound, this lack of trust, can only be healed by actions, not words.<br />I know that, but we can make a start today with the simple acknowledgement that public service is a privilege and that your government should treat every single person in this country with respect. If you voted Labour yesterday, we will carry the responsibility of your trust as we rebuild our country.<br />But whether you voted Labour or not — in fact, especially if you did not — I say to you directly, my government will serve you. Politics can be a force for good. We will show that. We’ve changed the Labour Party, returned it to service — and that is how we will govern, country first party second. * Yet, if I am honest, service is merely a precondition of hope, and it is surely clear to everyone that our country needs a bigger reset, a rediscovery of who we are. Because no matter how fierce the storms of history, one of the great strengths of this nation has always been our ability to navigate away to calmer waters.<br />And yet this depends upon politicians, particularly those who stand for stability and moderation — as I do — recognising when we must change course. For too long now, we turned a blind eye as millions slid into greater insecurity.<br />Nurses, builders, drivers, carers, people doing the right thing, working harder every day, recognised at moments like this before, yet, as soon as the cameras stop rolling, their lives are ignored. I want to say very clearly to those people — not this time. * Changing a country is not like flicking a switch. The world is now a more volatile place. This will take a while.<br />But have no doubt that the work of change begins immediately. Have no doubt that we will rebuild Britain with wealth created in every community. * Brick by brick, we will rebuild the infrastructure of opportunity, the world class schools and colleges, the affordable homes that I know are the ingredients of hope for working people, the security that working class families like mine can build their lives around.<br />Because if I asked you now whether you believe that Britain will be better for your children, I know too many of you would say no, and so my government will fight every day until you believe again.<br />From now on, you have a government unburdened by doctrine guided only by the determination to serve your interest, to defy, quietly, those who have written our country off. * You have given us a clear mandate, and we will use it to deliver change. To restore service and respect to politics, end the era of noisy performance, tread more lightly on your lives and unite our country.<br />Four nations standing together again, facing down as we have so often in our past, the challenges of an insecure world committed to a calm and patient rebuilding. So with respect and humility, I invite you all to join this government of service in the mission of national renewal. Our work is urgent, and we begin it today. ===2025=== [[File:Donald Trump leaving Airforce One with United Kingdom Prime Minister Keir Starmer on 28 July 2025 in Scotland.jpg|thumb|Starmer with [[Donald Trump]]]] * He’s a true one-off, a pioneer in business, in politics. Many people love him. Others love to hate him. But to us, he's just... Peter. ** On Peter Mandelson in February 2025. * I actually welcome the judgment because I think it gives real clarity. It allows those that have got to draw up guidance to be really clear about what that guidance should say.<br/>So I think it's important that we see the judgment for what it is. It's a welcome step forward.<br />It's real clarity in an area where we did need clarity, I'm pleased it's come about.<br />We need to move and make sure that we now ensure that all guidance is in the right place according to that judgment. ** Speaking to a reporter, as cited in [https://www.itv.com/news/2025-04-22/keir-starmer-welcomes-clarity-on-supreme-court-gender-ruling "Prime Minister Keir Starmer welcomes 'clarity' on Supreme Court gender ruling"], ''ITV News'' (22 April 2025). ** Referring to the ''[[w:For Women Scotland Ltd v The Scottish Ministers|For Women Scotland Ltd v The Scottish Ministers]]'' decision at the UK's [[w:Supreme Court of the United Kingdom|Supreme Court]] on 16 April 2025. * Let me start by saying that the victims of Epstein are at the forefront of our minds. He was a despicable criminal who committed the most heinous crimes and destroyed the lives of so many women and girls. The ambassador has repeatedly expressed his deep regret for his association with Epstein, and he is right to do so. I have confidence in him, and he is playing an important role in the UK–US relationship. ** Statement on Mandelson at Prime Minister's Questions on 10 September 2025. ===2026–present=== * Let me start where I must: with the victims of Epstein. All our thoughts are with them. Our thoughts are also with all those who lost jobs, savings and livelihoods in the aftermath of the 2008 financial crash. To learn that there was a Cabinet Minister leaking sensitive information at the height of the response to the 2008 crash is beyond infuriating, and I am as angry as the public and any Member of this House. Mandelson betrayed our country, our Parliament and my party. He lied repeatedly to my team when asked about his relationship with Epstein, before and during his tenure as ambassador. I regret appointing him. If I knew then what I know now, he would never have been anywhere near Government. That is why yesterday the Cabinet Secretary, with my support, took the decision to refer material to the police, and there is now a criminal investigation. I have instructed my team to draft legislation to strip Mandelson of his title, and wider legislation to remove disgraced peers. This morning I have agreed with His Majesty the King that Mandelson should be removed from the list of Privy Counsellors on the grounds that he has brought the reputation of the Privy Council into disrepute. ** Statement on Mandelson at Prime Minister's Questions on 2 February 2026. * I am sorry. Sorry for what was done to you, sorry that so many people with power failed you, sorry for having believed Mandelson’s lies and appointing him. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/czx3lq460n6t] Apologising to Epstein's victims amid the Peter Mandelson scandal in February 2026. * We don't support trying to deliver regime change from the air ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62gwkjg0k9o Trump says Starmer is 'no Winston Churchill' over Iran strikes], ''BBC'' (3 March 2026) * It is not our war, a lot of pressure has been applied to me to take a different course and that pressure included what happened last night. I'm not going to change my mind, I'm not going to yield, it is not in our national interest to join this war and we will not do so. I know where I stand. ** Starmer resists pressure from [[Donald Trump]] to join [[2026 Iran war]], quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cdxdd7ddzgdo "Starmer says he's 'not going to yield' to pressure from Trump on Iran war"], ''BBC News'' (15 April 2026) * We need to also assert who we are as a country, because [[Elon Musk|Musk]], again, has been interfering in our politics in the last few days, trying to whip up division – that is not who we are in [[Britain]]. ** Quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c1e2ww900zno "Starmer accuses Musk of trying to whip up division over Henry Nowak murder"] ''BBC News'' (4 June 2026) * The question my party is asking now is whether I am best placed to lead us into the next general election. I have heard the answer of my parliamentary party to that question. And I accept that answer with good grace.{{Br}}Every decision I've taken has been about putting the country I love first. That is why I will resign as leader of the Labour Party. I have spoken to His Majesty the King this morning to inform him of my decision. ** Resignation speech at: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c621nnq4pm7o "Prime Minister Keir Starmer's resignation speech in full"], ''BBC News'' (22 June 2026) ==Quotes about Starmer== * [[w:List of nicknames of prime ministers of the United Kingdom#Keir Starmer|Two-tier Keir]] ** A nickname given to Starmer in response to claims of two-tier policing, later popularised by X (Twitter) owner Elon Musk. Jessica Elgot and Rowena Mason, [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/article/2024/aug/06/elon-musk-calls-pm-two-tier-keir-over-police-response-to-uk-riots "Elon Musk calls PM ‘two-tier Keir’ over police response to UK riots"], ''The Guardian'' (7 August 2024) *As Labour MPs wargame how to depose Sir Keir Starmer, some have a strategy from the [[Margaret Thatcher]] years in mind.<br>In 1990, the former Conservative Prime Minister was told her time was up by a delegation of “men in grey suits” from her party. Now, Labour MPs are discussing sending a deputation of women to tell Starmer to resign. **[[w:Kitty Donaldson|Kitty Donaldson]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/politics/labour-women-grey-suits-sent-tell-starmer-resign-4216005 "Labour 'women in grey suits' could be sent to tell Starmer to resign"], ''iNews'' (5 February 2026) *[H]e got into Leeds University where he was told by academics that if only the world was ruled by human rights, it would be just and peaceful and there'd be no war. So he really believes in all that. That was his formation. And then he becomes prime minister and has this terrible awareness that the world is not ruled by words and paper. There’s things like armies and war in Europe and [[Donald Trump]] got elected. This is all pretty shocking [to him]. **[[Maurice Glasman, Baron Glasman|Maurice Glasman]], quoted in Harry Lambert, '[https://harrytlambert.substack.com/p/ep-2-maurice-glasman EP #2: Maurice Glasman]', ''Substack'' (20 November 2025) * You know what defence needs. You made the argument for this powerfully in your speech at the Munich Security Conference back in February. Without a DIP that meets the moment in this way, I am being forced to make decisions that would reduce the readiness of our Forces and increase the risk to personnel on operations, and could make the country less safe.{{br}}After explaining to you that I would not be able to accept a DIP settlement that does not give our Forces the resources they need, I am now left with no other option than to submit my resignation as your Defence Secretary. ** {{w|John Healey|John Healey's}} resignation letter, quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cgjx64yl7z9o "Defence Secretary John Healey's resignation letter in full"], ''BBC News'' (11 June 2026) * Has Britain elected a bumbling nobody to the highest office in the land? Or does his dullness conceal a driving purpose? * The worst mistake of political conservatives in the western world has been to refuse to understand and examine the length, breadth, depth, and height of the post-1968 left in Europe and North America. If you do not know what you are fighting, you will never find out why you are fighting, or how you should fight it. By becoming dull, and by speaking in code, the revolution has overwhelmed those who would have fought it with all their might if it had appeared in the guise of the Bolsheviks or the Jacobins. ** Peter Hitchens, [https://www.theamericanconservative.com/the-disguise-of-dullness/ "The Disguise of Dullness"], ''The American Conservative'' (22 October 2024) * If you want a culture wars warrior, Starmer is not your man. If you want a radical socialist who seeks to overturn capitalism, Starmer is not your man. If you want an entertainer, a comedian, a tweeter, Starmer is not your man. If you want to rerun previous leaders, [[Harold Wilson|Wilson]] or [[Tony Blair|Blair]], or someone who runs an agile team firing on all cylinders, sorry, Starmer is not your man. But if you want a leader who might start to heal the sinews of an enfeebled state and anaemic economy, and who will work in the interests of the relatively powerless, then he may very well be who we need. ** [[Andrew Marr]], [https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/labour/2024/02/keir-starmers-thirst-for-power "Keir Starmer's thirst for power"], ''The New Statesman'' (21 February 2024) * On 5 July, either Keir Starmer or I will be Prime Minister. He has shown time and time again that he will take the easy way out and do anything to get power. If he was happy to abandon all the promises he made to become Labour leader once he got the job, how can you know that he won't do exactly the same thing if he were to become Prime Minister? If you don't have the conviction to stick to anything you say, if you don't have the courage to tell people what you want to do, and if you don't have a plan, how can you possibly be trusted to lead our country, especially at this most uncertain of times? ** [[Rishi Sunak]] (22 May 2024) announcing the 2024 United Kingdom general election [https://news.sky.com/story/rishi-sunaks-full-speech-announcing-general-election-on-4-july-13141431 "Rishi Sunak's full speech announcing general election on 4 July"] * Whilst he has been my political opponent, Sir Keir Starmer will shortly become our Prime Minister. In this job, his successes will be all our successes, and I wish him and his family well. Whatever our disagreements in this campaign, he is a decent, public-spirited man, who I respect. He and his family deserve the very best of our understanding, as they make the huge transition to their new lives behind this door, and as he grapples with this most demanding of jobs in an increasingly unstable world. ** Rishi Sunak (5 July 2024); from a speech in Downing Street shortly before tendering his resignation to [[Charles III]]. As cited in [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/i-will-resign-as-conservative-leader/ "Full text: I will resign as Conservative leader"], ''The Spectator'' (5 July 2024). * You have many great strengths that I admire. You led our party to a {{w|2024 United Kingdom general election|victory}} few thought possible in 2024 and I was proud to fight alongside you in the trenches of that campaign. You have shown courage and statesmanship on the world stage - not least in keeping Britain out of the war in Iran.{{Pb}}But where we need vision, we have a vacuum. Where we need direction, we have drift. This was underscored by your speech on Monday. Leaders take responsibility, but too often that has meant other people falling on their swords. You also need to listen to your colleagues, including backbenchers, and the heavy-handed approach to dissenting voices diminishes our politics. ** {{w|Wes Streeting}} resignation letter quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cwy21gpr1kzt "Andy Burnham to try to run for Parliament after Labour MP says he'll stand down for him"], ''BBC News'' (14 May 2026) * This is not [[Winston Churchill]] that we're dealing with. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62gwkjg0k9o "Trump says Starmer is 'no Winston Churchill' over Iran strikes"], ''BBC News'' (3 March 2026) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Wikisource author}} {{Commons category}} * {{official website|https://keirstarmer.com}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Starmer, Keir}} [[Category:1962 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Lawyers from England]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:Leaders of the Opposition (United Kingdom)]] [[Category:Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom]] iw7icwdmpm2076iih2cfmzzyto1vxw9 3955273 3955272 2026-06-22T10:42:54Z GrimRob 1187925 /* Quotes about Starmer */ ordered by date 3955273 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer Official Portrait (cropped).jpg|thumb|Politics can be a force for good. We will show that.]] '''[[w:Keir Starmer|Sir Keir Starmer]]''' [[w:Keir Starmer|KCB]] [[w:King's Counsel|KC]] (/ˈkɪər ˈstɑːrmər/; born 2 September 1962) is a British [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]] politician, and [[w:Prime Minister of the United Kingdom|Prime Minister of the United Kingdom]] following the [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|2024 general election]]. A former [[w:barrister|barrister]], he was elected as [[w:leader of the Labour Party (UK)|Leader of the Labour Party]] in April 2020, becoming [[w:Leader of the Opposition (United Kingdom)|Leader of the Opposition]]. Previously, he was the [[w:Director of Public Prosecutions (England and Wales)|Director of Public Prosecutions]] (DPP) and the Head of the [[w:Crown Prosecution Service|Crown Prosecution Service]] (CPS). He has served as the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|member of parliament]] for [[w:Holborn and St Pancras|Holborn and St Pancras]] since 2015. == Quotes == [[File:Official portrait of Keir Starmer.jpg|thumb|[T]he government aims high.]] * [I ask] the question of the role the police should play, if any, in civil society. Who are they protecting and from what? ** Opinion piece on the {{w|Wapping dispute}} (1986), as quoted in Patrick Maguire, [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2020/03/keir-starmer-sensible-radical "Keir Starmer: The sensible radical"], ''The New Statesman'' (31 March 2020) === 2016 === *The referendum is clear and has to be accepted and we can't have a re-run of the question that was put to the country earlier this year. But, and it's a big but, there has to be democratic grip of the process and, at the moment, what the prime minister's trying to do is to manoeuvre without any scrutiny in [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliament]] and that's why the terms on, which we're going to negotiate absolutely have to be put to a vote in the House. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-37600563 "Brexit: MPs should vote on talks, says Labour's Starmer"] ''BBC News'' (9 October 2016) *We accept and respect the outcome of the referendum. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-37860618 "Reality Check: Could High Court ruling on Article 50 scupper Brexit?"] ''BBC News'' (3 November 2016) *What I think is really important is that the government aims high. My worry is that the [[Government of the United Kingdom|government]] has attached so much importance to [[immigration]] that it's not even going to try to get the best access to the single market. In other words, it's going to give up before it starts. My sense is that the government is saying 'because we want to take such a hard line on immigration we are going to give up on parts of the argument that would be better for the economy'. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-politics-37936401 "Brexit talks should include free movement, says Keir Starmer"] ''BBC News'' (10 November 2016) === 2017 === *I wish the result had gone the other way. I campaigned passionately for that. But as democrats our party has to accept that result and it follows that the prime minister should not be blocked from starting the Article 50 negotiations. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38799686 "Brexit decision 'difficult' for Labour, Keir Starmer says"] ''BBC News'' (31 January 2017) * What's clear, from the CBI and others, is that there is no result that would be worse for the British economy than leaving [the EU] with no deal ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-39277845 "Brexit: Donald Tusk warns UK against 'no deal threat'"] ''BBC News'' (15 March 2017) *The Labour Party has supported strong counter-terrorism legislation over the years and we have that commitment in our manifesto **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-40186744 "Labour's Keir Starmer says IRA comments were 'regrettable'"] ''BBC News'' (7 June 2017) *We are absolutely clear we can not have a hard border we need to negotiate with our EU partners. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-40186744 "Labour's Keir Starmer says IRA comments were 'regrettable'"] ''BBC News'' (7 June 2017) *Labour would seek a transitional deal that maintains the same basic terms that we currently enjoy with the EU. That means we would seek to remain in a customs union with the [[European Union|EU]] and within the single market during this period. It means we would abide by the common rules of both. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-41064314 "Brexit: Keep single market for transition period - Labour"] ''BBC News'' (27 August 2017) *Remaining in a form of customs union after a transition post-Brexit phase remained a possible end destination for the Labour party. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-41378928 "Labour conference: Starmer claims 'grown-up' Brexit stance"] ''BBC News'' (25 September 2017) *[I want a partnership with the EU that] retains the benefits of the single market and the customs union **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42298971 "Brexit: David Davis wants 'Canada plus plus plus' trade deal"] ''BBC News'' (10 December 2017) === 2018 === *Obviously, there are lots of benefits from a customs union, none more so, in many respects, than in Northern Ireland. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-42853018 "Sir Keir Starmer makes NI warning over Brexit deal"] ''BBC News'' (29 January 2018) *We all want to do bold new trade agreements but we would be better off doing that with the EU. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43186005 "Labour wants permanent customs union treaty after Brexit - Starmer"] ''BBC News'' (25 February 2018) *Benefits of the single market and customs union... need to be hard-wired into the final agreement **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43513287 "Labour frontbencher Owen Smith backs another EU referendum"] ''BBC News'' (23 March 2018) *There's a growing view, I think probably a majority view in Parliament now, that it's in our national interests and economic interests to stay in a customs union with the EU. We've got a huge manufacturing sector in the UK that needs to be protected, with many goods going over borders many, many times, and we need to protect that. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43821737 "Brexit: Senior MPs to force customs union vote"] ''BBC News'' (19 April 2018) *It is right for Parliament to have the first say but if we need to break the impasse, our options must include campaigning for a public vote and nobody is ruling out Remain as an option. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45631792 "Labour conference: Members vote to keep referendum option open"] ''BBC News'' (25 September 2018) *I remain as convinced as ever that the consequences of no deal would be so severe that it cannot be allowed to happen. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46168194 "Brexit: New referendum still an option, says Emily Thornberry"] ''BBC News'' (11 November 2018) === 2019 === *During the talks, almost literally as we were sitting in the room talking, cabinet members and wannabe Tory leaders were torpedoing the talks with remarks about not being willing to accept the customs union. In terms of the team that we were negotiating with, I'm not blaming them. Circling around those that were in the room trying to negotiate were others who didn't want the negotiation to succeed because they had their eye on what was coming next. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48319757 "Brexit: Withdrawal Agreement Bill 'should include public vote'"] ''BBC News'' (18 May 2019) *When you say you will leave without a deal - do or die - what sort of message does that send to the people of Northern Ireland? **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-49797636 "Sir Keir Starmer: MPs 'casual' about no-deal Brexit for NI"] ''BBC News'' (23 September 2019) === 2020 === [[File:Keir Starmer sidebar.jpg|thumb|[I]f you are anti-Semitic, you cannot and should not be in the Labour Party. No ifs, no buts.]] * I don’t think there are big issues on which I’ve changed my mind. The big issue we were grappling with then was how the Labour Party, or the left generally, bound together the wider movement and its strands of equality – feminist politics, green politics, LGBT – which I thought was incredibly exciting, incredibly important. ** Quoted in Patrick Maguire, [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2020/03/keir-starmer-sensible-radical "Keir Starmer: The sensible radical"], ''The New Statesman'' (31 March 2020) * [[w:Passover|Passover]] is also a fitting moment for me to acknowledge the pain and hurt that the Labour Party has caused Jewish people in recent years. [[Antisemitism|Anti-Semitism]] has been a stain on our party. I have seen first-hand the unacceptable and unimaginable levels of grief and distress it has caused many in the [[Jews|Jewish]] community and beyond. It is why my very first act on becoming leader over the weekend was to apologise for the hurt that has been caused. I want to apologise again and reiterate my pledge to tear out this poison by its roots. * The principle of what I want to achieve is clear: if you are anti-Semitic, you cannot and should not be in the Labour Party. No ifs, no buts. ** [https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/comment/i-apologise-to-the-jewish-community-rebuilding-your-trust-starts-now-a4408901.html "Keir Starmer: I apologise to the Jewish community — rebuilding your trust starts now"] ''Evening Standard'' (7 April 2020) ** Extracts from a pre-recorded speech on 4 April 2020 when Starmer became leader of the Labour Party. See [[Antisemitism in the UK Labour Party]]. === 2021 === [[File:Keir Starmer- Remembrance Sunday at the Cenotaph.jpg|thumb|I will change the things that need changing and that is the change that I will bring about.]] *There are four [[Elections in the United Kingdom|elections]] on Thursday 6 May. **[https://twitter.com/kglasss/status/1390230023290957829 Twitter] ''Kieran Glasssmith'' *I will change the things that need changing and that is the change that I will bring about. **[https://twitter.com/AdamBienkov/status/1390685349341548547 Twitter] ''Adam Bienkov'' * I've got to do [[Neil Kinnock|Kinnock]] and [[Tony Blair|Blair]]'s job in one term. ** Conversation with [[w:Jason Cowley (journalist)|Jason Cowley]] (summer 2021), recounted in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/keir-starmer-politics-prime-minister-labour-7dbz3cq0j "The Keir Starmer I know: an outsider driven by self-belief, not politics"], ''The Sunday Times'' (25 May 2024). ** The Labour leaders Neil Kinnock (1983–1992) and Tony Blair (from 1994) are most credited with ending one of the party's extended periods of being out of power (1979–1997). === 2022 === * What a pathetic spectacle: the dying act of his [Boris Johnson's] political career is to parrot that nonsense. As for those who are left, they are only in office because no one else is prepared to debase themselves any longer—the charge of the lightweight brigade. Have some self-respect! For a week, he has had them defending his decision to promote [[w:Chris Pincher|[Chris Pincher]]] a sexual predator. Every day, the lines he has forced them to take have been untrue: first, that he was unaware of any allegation—untrue; then, that he was unaware of any “specific” allegation—untrue; then, that he was unaware of any “serious, specific” allegation; and now he wants them to go out and say that he simply forgot that his Whip was a sexual predator. Anyone with anything about them would be long gone from his Front Bench. In the middle of a crisis, does the country not deserve better than a Z-list cast of nodding dogs? **Starmer's questions to Prime Minister [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]] regarding the [[w:Chris Pincher scandal|Chris Pincher scandal]], during one of his last Prime Ministers' Questions sessions, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVyUMjcnNvQ via UK Parlament's YouTube channel] (6 July 2022) * So let me be very clear: with Labour, Britain will not go back into the EU. We will not be joining the single market. We will not be joining a customs union. ** Speech quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/jul/04/starmer-ends-labour-silence-on-brexit-as-he-rules-out-rejoining-single-market "Starmer ends Labour silence on Brexit as he rules out rejoining single market"], ''The Guardian'' (4 July 2022). * [Asked if he was concerned about the police dealing with anti-monarchist protesters during a period of national mourning six days after Queen [[Elizabeth II]] died.] The word I would use around that issue is respect. I think if people have spent a long time waiting to come forward to have that moment as the coffin goes past or whatever it may be, I think respect that, because people have made a huge effort to come and have that private moment to say thank you to Queen Elizabeth II.<br>Respect that. Obviously we have to respect the fact that some people disagree. One of the great British traditions is the ability to protest and to disagree.<br>But I think if it can be done in the spirit of respect. Respect the fact that hundreds of thousands of people do want to come forward and have that moment. Don’t ruin it for them.<br>But also we do need to respect the fact that other people must be entitled to express their different views. ** Comments on the ''BBC Breakfast'' programme, cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/09/14/dont-ruin-period-mourning-sir-keir-starmer-tells-anti-royalists/ "Don't 'ruin' the period of mourning, Sir Keir Starmer tells anti-royalists"] ''The Telegraph'' (14 September 2022) * Today I want to set out what's at stake for Britain, because while politics is always about choices, the choice now is as stark as it gets. We face a battle for the soul of our country, who we are, who we're for, and the Labour choices of Britian is that it's greener, fairer, and more dynamic. **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhaW-WfyiQU/As Government is in turmoil, Starmer calls for an Election] Speech (October 2022) * The lady's not for turning up. **Starmer to [[Penny Mordaunt]] about [[Liz Truss]], as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/liz-truss-penny-mordaunt-starmer-b2204440.html "Liz Truss accused of ‘hiding away’ after sending Penny Mordaunt to face MPs in her place"], ''The Independent'' (17 October 2024) ** An allusion to a comments by [[Margaret Thatcher]] at the 1980 Conservative Party conference ending with "You turn if you want to. The lady's not for turning". [https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/fashion/liz-truss-tory-leadership-thatcher-outfit-b2124664.html Truss was accused] of copying the former prime minister's wardrobe. * The only mandate she's ever had was from members opposite. It was a mandate built on fantasy economics, and it ended in disaster. The country's got nothing to show for it except the destruction of the economy and the implosion of the [[Conservative Party (UK)|Tory Party]]. I've got the list here: 45p tax cut, gone. Corporation tax cut, gone. 20p tax cut, gone. Two-year energy freeze, gone. Tax-free shopping, gone. Economic credibility, gone! And her supposed best friend [[w:Kwasi Kwarteng|the former chancellor]], he's gone as well. They're all gone! So why is she still here? **Starmer's questions to Prime Minister Liz Truss regarding the [[w:September 2022 United Kingdom mini-budget|September 2022 "mini budget"]] during her last Prime Ministers' Questions session, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVHAnuYL070 via The Guardian's YouTube channel] (19 October 2022) * The only time he ran in a competitive election, he got trounced by the former prime minister, who herself got beaten by lettuce! **Starmer's questions to Prime Minister [[w:Rishi Sunak|Rishi Sunak]] regarding Sunak losing his first leadership bid to Liz Truss, during Sunak's first Prime Ministers' Questions session, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lOCgI_WOR8 via The Guardian's YouTube channel] (25 October 2022) * So that means fair rules, firm rules, a points-based system. What I would like to see is the numbers go down in some areas. I think we're recruiting too many people from overseas into, for example, the health service. But on the other hand, if we need high-skilled people in innovation in tech to set up factories etc, then I would encourage that. * [Opposing a future Scottish independence referendum regardless of the [[Supreme Court of the United Kingdom|Supreme Court]] in [[London]] potentially deciding to accept the [[w:Scottish Parliament|Scottish Parliament]] has a legal right to hold one.] It's good the case has gone to court because I think it's better to have legal certainty, so we all know the basis on which we're operating [...] All the court is going to be able to rule is, if it does rule in favour, is that there could or can be, [that] it's legally permissible to have a referendum. That doesn't answer the political question, which is 'should there be a referendum'? ** Interviewed on ''The Sunday Show'' (BBC Scotland television programme, 6 November 2022), as cited in "Keir Starmer says NHS jobs must be filled domestically as he fails to set out democratic route to independence"], ''The Scotsman'' (7 November 2022). * We took the decision to leave and we have left. So now what we need to do is rather than just sticking with the deal we've got which is not good enough, we need to make [[Brexit]] work. ** Interviewed on ''The Sunday Show'' (BBC Scotland television programme, 6 November 2022), as quoted in [https://www.heraldscotland.com/politics/23104770.keir-starmer-no-case-returning-eu/ "Keir Starmer: There is no case for returning to the EU"] ''The Herald'' (Glasgow, 6 November 2022). ===2023 === * [[Antisemitism]] is an evil. It is a very specific type of [[racism]], one that festers and spreads like an infection. Its conspiratorial nature attracts those who would have no truck with any other form of prejudice. Indeed, it can be those who call themselves "[[Anti-racism|anti-racist]]" who are most blind to it. The reason the [[w:Equality and Human Rights Commission|Equality and Human Rights Commission]] (EHRC) opened their investigation into the Labour Party was because it had become an incubator for this poison. We needed to change. That's why my first act as leader was to commit to tearing antisemitism out by the roots, without fear or favour. * The Labour Party I lead today is unrecognisable from 2019. There are those who don't like that change, who still refuse to see the reality of what had gone on under the previous leadership. To them I say in all candour: we are never going back. If you don’t like it, nobody is forcing you to stay. * The Labour Party I lead is patriotic. It is a party of public service, not protest. It is a party of equality, justice and fairness; one that proudly puts the needs of working people above any fringe interest. It is a party that doesn't just talk about change – it delivers it. ** [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/keir-starmer-my-labour-is-patriotic-a-party-of-equality-not-protest-xgsrflzl8 "Keir Starmer: My Labour is patriotic, a party of equality not protest"] ''The Times'' (14 February 2023) * The lettuces are out, but the turnips are in. ** To Sunak at PMQs (March 2023) * They blew up for me an incredibly detailed photograph of a lung with very dark marks on it which were all the air pollution from our roads which were causing cancer in that and many other patients.<br />It's worth us all just asking ourselves...if we are not prepared to do these sort of schemes what are we going to do.<br />If increasing numbers of people, and young people as well, are getting cancer...I have to say..intake of breath when I saw the phot[o]graph, they said there are the dark areas that are lung cancer because of it (air pollution). We can’t just sit that out. ** On a visit to the [[w:Francis Crick Institute|Crick Institute]] in an interview on [[w:LBC|LBC]], as cited in [https://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/keir-starmer-greater-london-ulez-expansion-sadiq-khan-lung-cancer-b1081142.html "Keir Starmer: Ulez expansion needed to curb lung cancer"], ''Evening Standard'' (15 May 2023). * [On the [[w:Just Stop Oil|Just Stop Oil]] protests] I can't wait for them to stop their antics, frankly. They're interrupting iconic sporting events that are part of our history, tradition and massively looked forward to across the nation. I absolutely condemn the way they go about their tactics. And I have to say it's riddled with an arrogance that only they have the sort of right to force their argument on other people in this way. ** On [[w:Times Radio|Times Radio]] (6 July 2023), as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/keir-starmer-speech-protesters-climate-change-8q5l0dq0z "Keir Starmer promises compulsory arts or sport until 16"] ''The Times'' (6 July 2023) * In fact, I hate tree huggers. ** Reported (but officially denied) comments to the Shadow Cabinet after a presentation from [[Ed Miliband]] (Shadow Secretary of State for Climate Change and Net Zero), as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/labour-green-climate-change-starmer-miliband-b2372012.html "'I hate tree huggers': How Starmer apparently exploded over Labour’s green policy"] ''The Independent'' (10 July 2023) ** The claim originally appeared in a [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/i-hate-tree-huggers-keir-starmer-explodes-over-green-policy-6hhnj9r9x ''Sunday Times''] article on 9 July 2023. * As for [[w:2023 Uxbridge and South Ruislip by-election|Uxbridge [and South Ruislip]]], we always knew that was going to be tough [...] [[w:Uxbridge (UK Parliament constituency)|We didn't win Uxbridge in 1997]], and obviously we knew that [[w:Ultra Low Emission Zone|ULEZ]] [(Ultra Low Emission Zone)] was an issue. That's why we lost in Uxbridge.<br />We all need to reflect on that, including [[Sadiq Khan|the mayor]] [of London], but there's no taking away from the historic event that has happened here in [[w:2023 Selby and Ainsty by-election|Selby [and Ainsty]]]. ** [https://news.sky.com/story/labours-uxbridge-defeat-sparks-blame-game-weve-got-a-lot-to-think-about-12924770 "Labour's Uxbridge defeat sparks blame game: 'We've got a lot to think about'"], ''Sky News'' (21 July 2023) ** On 20 July 2023, three by-elections were held. Labour was narrowly defeated in [[w:Uxbridge and South Ruislip (UK Parliament constituency)|Uxbridge and South Ruislip]] (the former constituency of Conservative [[Boris Johnson]]) by 495 votes, but gained [[w:Selby and Ainsty (UK Parliament constituency)|Selby and Ainsty]] from the Conservatives with a voting swing of 23.7%. * Every time there's been the threat of a rebellion he's backed down. The one thing you get if you win the leadership of your party is the right to say 'I've won the leadership and I'm going to do this, and we're going to do it and this is what I'm saying we're going to do with the party, and we're going to do it’. He doesn't have the ability to do that because he hasn't got a mandate. ** Speaking on the ''Political Party'' podcast with [[w:Matt Forde|Matt Forde]], as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/b2ee22ea-b21e-11ed-be6b-8488e113f360?shareToken=0187ff745115e9aae9a5de1e8c2a5442 "Sir Keir Starmer: I loathed unprincipled, lying Boris Johnson"] ''The Times'' (21 February 2023). === 2024 === * Further information came to light yesterday calling for decisive action, so I took decisive action. It is a huge thing to withdraw support for a Labour candidate during [[w:2024 Rochdale by-election|the course of a by-election]]. It's a tough decision, a necessary decision, but when I say the Labour Party has changed under my leadership I mean it. ** Comments in [[w:Wellingborough (UK Parliament constituency)|Wellingborough]], Northamptonshire (13 February 2024), as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/azhar-ali-latest-rochdale-labour-comments-keir-starmer-antisemitism-zqgn26cfd "Graham Jones: Labour suspends second candidate over Israel comments"], ''The Times'' (13 February 2024) ** Azhar Ali, a candidate in the [[w:2024 Rochdale by-election|2024 Rochdale by-election]] in Greater Manchester had been suspended by the Labour Party after changes to candidates listed on ballot papers could no longer be legally changed. Also suspended from the party was [[w:Graham Jones (politician)|Graham Jones]], a former Labour Party MP for [[w:Hyndburn (UK Parliament constituency)|Hyndburn]] (and selected as a candidate for the eventual [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|July 2024 general election]] in his former seat), in the neighbouring county of Lancashire. [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2024/feb/13/grassroots-labour-meeting-party-turmoil-suspended-candidates-azhar-ali-graham-jones Both had made antisemitic comments]. The [[w:2024 Wellingborough by-election|2024 Wellingborough by-election]] was held two days later. It was being disputed in the media that Starmer had taken "decisive action" against Azhar Ali as it had taken nearly two days before he was suspended after the first reports of his initial comments. <blockquote>Tonight the Prime Minister has finally announced the next General Election. A moment the country needs – and has been waiting for. And where, by the force of our democracy power returns to you. A chance to change for the better. Your future. Your community. Your country. It will feel like a long campaign – I’m sure of that. But no matter what else is said and done. That opportunity for change is what this election is about. Over the course of the last four years – we have changed the Labour Party. Returned it once more to the service of working people. All we ask now – humbly – is to do exactly the same for our country. And return Britain to the service of working people. To that purpose. We offer three reasons why you should change Britain with Labour.<br><br>One – because we will stop the chaos. Look around our country. The sewage in our rivers. People waiting on trolleys in A&E. Crime virtually unpunished. Mortgages and food prices – through the roof. It’s all – every bit of it – a direct result of the Tory chaos in Westminster. Time and again, they pursue their own interests. Rather than tackling the issues that affect your family. And if they get another five years, they will feel entitled to carry on exactly as they are. Nothing will change. A vote for Labour is a vote for stability – economic and political. A politics that treads more lightly on all our lives. A vote to stop the chaos.<br><br>Two – because it’s time for change. Our offer is to reset both our economy and our politics. So that they once again serve the interests of working people. We totally reject the Tory view that economic strength is somehow gifted from those at the top. Over the past fourteen years – through all the crises we have had to face – sticking with this idea has left our country exposed, insecure and unable to unlock the potential of every community. But a vote for Labour is a vote to turn the page on all that. A vote for change.<br><br>And finally, three – because we have a long-term plan to rebuild Britain. A plan that is ready to go. Fully-costed and fully funded. We can deliver economic stability. Cut the NHS waiting times. Secure our borders with a New Border Security Command. Harness Great British Energy to cut your bills for good. Tackle anti-social behaviour. And get the teachers we need in your children’s classroom.<br><br>But most of importantly of all, we do all this with a new spirit of service. Country first, party second. A rejection of the gesture politics you will see in this campaign, I have no doubt from the Tories and from the SNP. I am well aware of the cynicism people hold towards politicians at the moment. But I came into politics late, having served our country as leader of the Crown Prosecution Service. And I helped the Police Service in Northern Ireland to gain the consent of all communities. Service of our country is the reason – and the only reason – why I am standing here now – asking for your vote. And I believe with patience, determination and that commitment to service there is so much pride and potential we can unlock across our country. So – here it is – the future of the country – in your hands. On 4th July you have the choice. And together, we can stop the chaos. We can turn the page. We can start to rebuild Britain. And change our country. Thank you.<br> * Responding to the [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|2024 election]] being called. [https://labour.org.uk/updates/press-releases/keir-starmer-delivering-a-speech-on-the-announcement-of-the-uk-general-election/ "Keir Starmer delivering a speech on the announcement of the UK General Election"], ''Labour.org'' (22 May 2024) </blockquote> <blockquote>Now, this week is the 80th anniversary of [[w:Normandy landings|D-Day]], so I want to start by remembering the bravery of those soldiers who sailed from the South of England to the beaches of France. The individual courage and the collective strength of our troops whose sacrifice that day turned the tide of the Second World War, brought liberation to Europe, and secured our freedom. This week and every week – we will remember them. And we will honour them. Some gave their lives so we could live freely. Others returned home to build a new Britain. We salute those who remain with us today and keep the memory of their fallen comrades alive. And we recognise with one voice, as a nation, that our debt can never be paid in full.<br><br>But of course – we can honour their sacrifice with our decisions today. And we must. Because sadly, the world we live in today is perhaps more dangerous and volatile than at any time since then, and frankly, for my generation, that’s a shock. I mean, I remember vividly the day the [[w:Fall of the Berlin Wall|Berlin Wall came down]] in 1989. I remember how I felt. A sense of freedom, of possibility, of peace. European countries once again free to choose their own futures, new allegiances being made, friendships forged out of the scars of war. And above all, a sense – as the wall came down – nothing like that could happen again. An end of an era.<br><br>I didn't think that in my lifetime I would see Russian tanks entering a European country again. The rumble of war rolling across our continent, soldiers kissing their children goodbye, desperate families fleeing across European borders in search of safety. But in that moment, as we saw those pictures from Kyiv, I understood. The post-war era is over and a new age of insecurity has begun. An era where the burden of history – for people and nations will once again, be heavier on our backs. National security is the most important issue of our times. Something which, of course, is always true, and which for us, if we are privileged to serve our country, will become our solemn responsibility.<br><br>That’s not something I say lightly: the security and defence of our nation is personal to my family. Like so many families, I have relatives who served in the second world war. My mum's brother, my uncle Roger, served in the [[w:Falklands War|Falklands]] on [[w:HMS Antelope (F170)|HMS Antelope]]. And I remember the terrible wait when his ship was bombed. My mum’s fear as she sat by the radio every day, listening for news, and then the relief, a long week later, when we found out he had survived. So I know the courage, the service, and the sacrifice that allows us to sleep soundly at night from our forces and their families. I know it. I respect it. And I will serve it – with every decision. It is part of my story, and the reason why I said – from day one of my leadership – that the Labour Party had to change. Change for a purpose. To respect your service, face the future in this dangerous world, and above all – to keep Britain safe. That is why, with my changed Labour Party, national security will always come first. That’s a message I took to Kyiv last year when I visited [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelensky]]. A pledge of unwavering British support in the face of Russian tyranny. But we have to be resolute, not just in our support for Ukraine but also – in this era, at home. We must face down malign actors who try to attack and weaken our nation, and not just through traditional warfare over air, land and sea, but with hybrid threats – to our energy supply, cyber security, information warfare.<br><br> Now – I would prefer if politics were kept out of this issue – even at this election. Throughout the whole of this Parliament. I have deliberately not been partisan over issues of national security. Yet just before this election, the Tories questioned this Labour Party's commitment to national security. And I will not let that stand. The people of Britain need to know that their leaders will keep them safe – and we will. Furthermore, the truth is that after 14 years of the Tories, we are less safe and less secure. You don't have to take my word for it. The Tory's own former defence secretary says the government has failed to take defence seriously. We have the smallest army since the time of Napoleon, at a time when other countries are firmly on a war footing. So – even as we work tirelessly for peace, we have to be fit to fight. So let me be unequivocal. This Labour Party is totally committed to the security of our nation. To our armed forces. And, importantly, to our nuclear deterrent.<br><br> Just a few weeks ago I visited BAE Systems in Barrow-in-Furness. I was the first Labour leader to visit in 30 years. I saw the nuclear submarines being made. I saw an industry that supports the local community and I met workers who are proud to be doing their bit for our national security. They deserve our full support, and they will get it. The nuclear deterrent is the foundation of any plan to keep Britain safe – it is essential. That's why Labour has announced a new triple-lock commitment to our nuclear deterrent. We'll maintain Britain’s Continuous at Sea deterrent 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Deliver all the needed future upgrades and we will build four new nuclear submarines like the ones I saw in Barrow. That won't just keep us safe, it will also support good jobs and growth across the UK. One of my first visits after I became leader of the Labour Party was to Plymouth, the frontline of defence in this country. Devonport alone employs 2,500 service people and civilians, it supports 400 local businesses, and it generates around 10% of Plymouth’s income. And when I was there, I met the shipbuilding apprentices – talented, ambitious young people. And I looked them in the eye and promised that I would fight for the future of Plymouth’s defence industry. And I will. Because it's only by harnessing and supporting the strength of proud communities like Plymouth, Barrow, Aldershot, and so many more, that means we can safeguard our security and our growth for the decades to come. I mean look at Ukraine now. Industrial capacity is an absolutely critical part of security. So with Labour, Britain will be fit to fight.<br><br> Within the first year of a Labour government, we will carry out a new strategic defence review. And we're absolutely committed to spending 2.5% of GDP on defence as soon as possible, because we know our security isn't just vital for our safety today, it's absolutely central to our success for the future. National security and economic security must go hand in hand. And we also know that playing our part on the world stage makes us stronger and better off at home.<br><br> So make no mistake: I am absolutely committed to rebuilding relationships with our allies. I went to the Munich Security Conference back in February, I met with world leaders from the US, Europe and the Middle East and I met the Secretary General of NATO. And I pledged to each of them that with a Labour government, the UK would be a point of stability in a chaotic world, that we would always meet our international obligations, take our responsibilities seriously and be a leader on the world stage once more. Because when I spoke about D-Day at the beginning I wasn't just talking about respect for our past, I was thinking about our future as well. Because that is the best example of what cooperation can achieve in the face of fascism and aggression. Our joint endeavour, our shared values, our common respect for freedom, democracy, liberty, that's what we were fighting for and that fight never stops. There is a narrative you see sometimes that our values are a point of weakness. That’s what [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] thinks. But he's wrong. Ukraine has shown that, and we must be prepared to stand up as well, because those values are our cause and our strength.<br><br> Let me be clear. This is not a party-political issue, this is a national issue. It affects every single individual, every community, and Labour will always put our country first. We will serve working people across our nation, and respect our armed forces as they continue to protect our country. But on July 4th there is a choice. And you can choose to rebuild a country that is proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with European allies, that leads the way in standing up for our values and our freedom, all around the world, and that will never shy away from doing our duty at home and abroad. A stronger, safer, more secure Britain with Labour. That is the choice. It’s time to stop the chaos, time to turn the page and rebuild our country, together. Thank you very much.<br> * From the manifesto launch, as cited in [https://labour.org.uk/updates/press-releases/keir-starmer-a-stronger-safer-more-secure-britain-speech/ "Keir Starmer – A stronger, safer, more secure Britain speech"], Labour Party press release (3 June 2024)</blockquote> * This is a serious plan, carefully thought through. It is not about rabbits out of the hat, it's not about pantomime, we've had enough of that. I'm running as a candidate to be prime minister, not a candidate to run the circus. * If you want politics as pantomime, I hear Clacton is nice this time of year. ** Speaking to journalists at the manifesto launch, as cited in Jennifer Scott, [https://news.sky.com/story/labour-launches-manifesto-as-sir-keir-starmer-pledges-to-end-desperate-era-of-gimmicks-and-rebuild-britain-13152379 "Labour launches manifesto as Sir Keir Starmer pledges to end political 'pantomime' and 'rebuild Britain'"], ''Sky News'' (3 June 2024). ** [[Nigel Farage]], the [[w:Reform UK|Reform UK]] candidate in [[w:Clacton (UK Parliament constituency)|Clacton]], was gaining significant media attention. * We did it.<br />You campaigned for it, you fought for it, you voted for it and now it has arrived. Change begins now.<br />And it feels good, I have to be honest.<br />Four-and-a-half years of work changing the party. This is what it is for – a changed Labour Party ready to serve our country, ready to restore Britain to the service of working people.<br />And across our country, people will be waking up to the news – relieved that a weight has been lifted, a burden finally removed from the shoulders of this great nation.<br />And now we can look forward again, walk into the morning, the sunlight of hope, pale at first, but getting stronger through the day, shining once again on a country with the opportunity after 14 years to get its future back.<br />And I want to thank each and every one of you here for campaigning so hard for change, and not just in this campaign either – also for these four-and-a-half years changing our party.<br />The Labour movement is always – everything’s achieved past and future – down to the efforts of its people.<br />So thank you truly – you have changed our country.<br />But a mandate like this comes with great responsibility.<br />Our task is nothing less than renewing ideas that hold this country together – national renewal.<br />Whoever you are, wherever you started in life, if you work hard, if you play by the rules, this country should give you a fair chance to get on.<br />It should always respect your contribution and we have to restore that.<br />And alongside that, we have to return politics to public service, show that politics can be a force for good.<br />Make no mistake, that is the great test of politics in this era – the fight for trust is the battle that defines our age.<br />It is why we campaigned so hard on demonstrating we are fit for public service.<br />Service is the pre-condition for hope, respect the bond that can unite a country.<br />Together, the values of this changed Labour Party are the guiding principle for a new government – country first, party second.<br />That is the responsibility of this mandate.<br />You know, 14 years ago, we were told that we're all in it together.<br />I say to the British people today, imagine what we can do if that were actually true.<br />So by all means, enjoy this moment. Nobody can say you haven’t waited patiently.<br />Enjoy the feeling of waking up on a morning like this with the emotion that you do see the country through the same eyes.<br />Hold onto it, because it is what unity is made from, but use it to show to the rest of the country, as we must, that this party has changed, that we will serve them faithfully, govern for every single person in this country.<br />But also don’t forget how we got here.<br />This morning, we can see that the British people have voted to turn the page on 14 years but don’t pretend that there was anything inevitable about that – there’s nothing pre-ordained in politics.<br />Election victories don’t fall from the sky.<br />They’re hard won and hard fought for, and this one could only be won by a changed Labour Party.<br />We have the chance to repair our public services because we’ve changed the party.<br />We have the chance to make work pay because we’ve changed the party.<br />We have the chance to deliver for working people, young people, vulnerable people, the poorest in our society because we’ve changed the party.<br />'Country first, party second' isn’t a slogan – it's the guiding principle (of) everything we have done and must keep on doing – on the economy, on national security, on protecting our borders.<br />The British people have to look us in the eye and see that we can serve their interest and that work doesn’t stop now – it never stops.<br />The changes we've made are permanent, irreversible and we must keep going.<br />We ran as a changed Labour Party and we will govern as a changed Labour Party.<br />I don't promise you it will be easy. Changing a country's not like flicking a switch, it's hard work, patient work, determined work, and we will have to get moving immediately.<br />But even when the going gets tough, and it will, remember, tonight and always, what this is all about.<br />Now I may have mentioned my parents a few times in this campaign – once or twice – but the sense of security we had, the comfort they took from believing that Britain would always be better for their children, the hope, not high-minded, not idealistic, but a hope that working-class families like mine could build their lives around.<br />It is hope that may not burn brightly in Britain at the moment, but we have earned the mandate to relight the fire. That is the purpose of this party and of this Government.<br />We said we would end the chaos and we will. We said we would turn the page and we have. Today we start the next chapter, begin the work of change, the mission of national renewal and start to rebuild our country.<br />Thank you. ** Speech after winning a landslide victory (5 July 2024) * I call again for...the return of the sausages. ** Speech at the Labour Party Conference in Liverpool (22 September 2024) <!-- Quoted in Peter Hitchens, "The Disguise of Dullness", ''The American Conservative'' (22 October 2024) --> ** He quickly corrected his malapropism ('hostages' not 'sausages') * I am clear that [[Israel]] has the right to defend itself against [[Iranian]] aggression. I'm equally clear that we need to avoid further regional escalation and urge all sides to show restraint. Iran should not respond ** [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/british-pm-starmer-says-iran-should-not-respond-israeli-strikes-2024-10-26/ British PM Starmer says Iran should not respond to Israeli strikes] (25 October, updated 26 October, 2024) ==== First speech as Prime Minister (5 July 2024) ==== [[File:Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer arrives at 10 Downing Street (53836633106).jpg|thumb|Our country has voted decisively for change, for national renewal and a return of politics to public service … we can make a start today with the simple acknowledgement that public service is a privilege and that your government should treat every single person in this country with respect.]] :<small>[https://labourlist.org/2024/07/labour-general-election-results-starmer-full-speech-downing-street/ LabourList transcription (5 July 2024)] · [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/crgewjwqqq4o BBC transcription] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0y2wuKnF2M YouTube video]</small> [[File:Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer arrives at 10 Downing Street (53836682401).jpg|thumb|I invite you all to join this government of service in the mission of national renewal. Our work is urgent, and we begin it today.]] * I have just returned from [[w:Buckingham Palace|Buckingham Palace]], where I accepted an invitation from [[Charles III|His Majesty the King]] to form the next government of this great nation.<br />I want to thank the outgoing Prime Minister, [[Rishi Sunak]]. His achievement as the first British Asian Prime Minister of our country — the extra effort that that will have required — should not be underestimated by anyone.<br />We pay tribute to that today, and we also recognise the dedication and hard work he brought to his leadership. But now our country has voted decisively for change, for national renewal and a return of politics to public service. * When the gap between the sacrifices made by people and the service they receive from politicians grows this big, it leads to a weariness in the heart of a nation, a draining away of the hope, the spirit, the belief in a better future — that we need to move forward together. Now this wound, this lack of trust, can only be healed by actions, not words.<br />I know that, but we can make a start today with the simple acknowledgement that public service is a privilege and that your government should treat every single person in this country with respect. If you voted Labour yesterday, we will carry the responsibility of your trust as we rebuild our country.<br />But whether you voted Labour or not — in fact, especially if you did not — I say to you directly, my government will serve you. Politics can be a force for good. We will show that. We’ve changed the Labour Party, returned it to service — and that is how we will govern, country first party second. * Yet, if I am honest, service is merely a precondition of hope, and it is surely clear to everyone that our country needs a bigger reset, a rediscovery of who we are. Because no matter how fierce the storms of history, one of the great strengths of this nation has always been our ability to navigate away to calmer waters.<br />And yet this depends upon politicians, particularly those who stand for stability and moderation — as I do — recognising when we must change course. For too long now, we turned a blind eye as millions slid into greater insecurity.<br />Nurses, builders, drivers, carers, people doing the right thing, working harder every day, recognised at moments like this before, yet, as soon as the cameras stop rolling, their lives are ignored. I want to say very clearly to those people — not this time. * Changing a country is not like flicking a switch. The world is now a more volatile place. This will take a while.<br />But have no doubt that the work of change begins immediately. Have no doubt that we will rebuild Britain with wealth created in every community. * Brick by brick, we will rebuild the infrastructure of opportunity, the world class schools and colleges, the affordable homes that I know are the ingredients of hope for working people, the security that working class families like mine can build their lives around.<br />Because if I asked you now whether you believe that Britain will be better for your children, I know too many of you would say no, and so my government will fight every day until you believe again.<br />From now on, you have a government unburdened by doctrine guided only by the determination to serve your interest, to defy, quietly, those who have written our country off. * You have given us a clear mandate, and we will use it to deliver change. To restore service and respect to politics, end the era of noisy performance, tread more lightly on your lives and unite our country.<br />Four nations standing together again, facing down as we have so often in our past, the challenges of an insecure world committed to a calm and patient rebuilding. So with respect and humility, I invite you all to join this government of service in the mission of national renewal. Our work is urgent, and we begin it today. ===2025=== [[File:Donald Trump leaving Airforce One with United Kingdom Prime Minister Keir Starmer on 28 July 2025 in Scotland.jpg|thumb|Starmer with [[Donald Trump]]]] * He’s a true one-off, a pioneer in business, in politics. Many people love him. Others love to hate him. But to us, he's just... Peter. ** On Peter Mandelson in February 2025. * I actually welcome the judgment because I think it gives real clarity. It allows those that have got to draw up guidance to be really clear about what that guidance should say.<br/>So I think it's important that we see the judgment for what it is. It's a welcome step forward.<br />It's real clarity in an area where we did need clarity, I'm pleased it's come about.<br />We need to move and make sure that we now ensure that all guidance is in the right place according to that judgment. ** Speaking to a reporter, as cited in [https://www.itv.com/news/2025-04-22/keir-starmer-welcomes-clarity-on-supreme-court-gender-ruling "Prime Minister Keir Starmer welcomes 'clarity' on Supreme Court gender ruling"], ''ITV News'' (22 April 2025). ** Referring to the ''[[w:For Women Scotland Ltd v The Scottish Ministers|For Women Scotland Ltd v The Scottish Ministers]]'' decision at the UK's [[w:Supreme Court of the United Kingdom|Supreme Court]] on 16 April 2025. * Let me start by saying that the victims of Epstein are at the forefront of our minds. He was a despicable criminal who committed the most heinous crimes and destroyed the lives of so many women and girls. The ambassador has repeatedly expressed his deep regret for his association with Epstein, and he is right to do so. I have confidence in him, and he is playing an important role in the UK–US relationship. ** Statement on Mandelson at Prime Minister's Questions on 10 September 2025. ===2026–present=== * Let me start where I must: with the victims of Epstein. All our thoughts are with them. Our thoughts are also with all those who lost jobs, savings and livelihoods in the aftermath of the 2008 financial crash. To learn that there was a Cabinet Minister leaking sensitive information at the height of the response to the 2008 crash is beyond infuriating, and I am as angry as the public and any Member of this House. Mandelson betrayed our country, our Parliament and my party. He lied repeatedly to my team when asked about his relationship with Epstein, before and during his tenure as ambassador. I regret appointing him. If I knew then what I know now, he would never have been anywhere near Government. That is why yesterday the Cabinet Secretary, with my support, took the decision to refer material to the police, and there is now a criminal investigation. I have instructed my team to draft legislation to strip Mandelson of his title, and wider legislation to remove disgraced peers. This morning I have agreed with His Majesty the King that Mandelson should be removed from the list of Privy Counsellors on the grounds that he has brought the reputation of the Privy Council into disrepute. ** Statement on Mandelson at Prime Minister's Questions on 2 February 2026. * I am sorry. Sorry for what was done to you, sorry that so many people with power failed you, sorry for having believed Mandelson’s lies and appointing him. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/czx3lq460n6t] Apologising to Epstein's victims amid the Peter Mandelson scandal in February 2026. * We don't support trying to deliver regime change from the air ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62gwkjg0k9o Trump says Starmer is 'no Winston Churchill' over Iran strikes], ''BBC'' (3 March 2026) * It is not our war, a lot of pressure has been applied to me to take a different course and that pressure included what happened last night. I'm not going to change my mind, I'm not going to yield, it is not in our national interest to join this war and we will not do so. I know where I stand. ** Starmer resists pressure from [[Donald Trump]] to join [[2026 Iran war]], quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cdxdd7ddzgdo "Starmer says he's 'not going to yield' to pressure from Trump on Iran war"], ''BBC News'' (15 April 2026) * We need to also assert who we are as a country, because [[Elon Musk|Musk]], again, has been interfering in our politics in the last few days, trying to whip up division – that is not who we are in [[Britain]]. ** Quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c1e2ww900zno "Starmer accuses Musk of trying to whip up division over Henry Nowak murder"] ''BBC News'' (4 June 2026) * The question my party is asking now is whether I am best placed to lead us into the next general election. I have heard the answer of my parliamentary party to that question. And I accept that answer with good grace.{{Br}}Every decision I've taken has been about putting the country I love first. That is why I will resign as leader of the Labour Party. I have spoken to His Majesty the King this morning to inform him of my decision. ** Resignation speech at: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c621nnq4pm7o "Prime Minister Keir Starmer's resignation speech in full"], ''BBC News'' (22 June 2026) ==Quotes about Starmer== ===2024=== * If you want a culture wars warrior, Starmer is not your man. If you want a radical socialist who seeks to overturn capitalism, Starmer is not your man. If you want an entertainer, a comedian, a tweeter, Starmer is not your man. If you want to rerun previous leaders, [[Harold Wilson|Wilson]] or [[Tony Blair|Blair]], or someone who runs an agile team firing on all cylinders, sorry, Starmer is not your man. But if you want a leader who might start to heal the sinews of an enfeebled state and anaemic economy, and who will work in the interests of the relatively powerless, then he may very well be who we need. ** [[Andrew Marr]], [https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/labour/2024/02/keir-starmers-thirst-for-power "Keir Starmer's thirst for power"], ''The New Statesman'' (21 February 2024) * On 5 July, either Keir Starmer or I will be Prime Minister. He has shown time and time again that he will take the easy way out and do anything to get power. If he was happy to abandon all the promises he made to become Labour leader once he got the job, how can you know that he won't do exactly the same thing if he were to become Prime Minister? If you don't have the conviction to stick to anything you say, if you don't have the courage to tell people what you want to do, and if you don't have a plan, how can you possibly be trusted to lead our country, especially at this most uncertain of times? ** [[Rishi Sunak]] announcing the 2024 United Kingdom general election [https://news.sky.com/story/rishi-sunaks-full-speech-announcing-general-election-on-4-july-13141431 "Rishi Sunak's full speech announcing general election on 4 July"], ''Sky News'' (22 May 2024) * [[w:List of nicknames of prime ministers of the United Kingdom#Keir Starmer|Two-tier Keir]] ** A nickname given to Starmer in response to claims of two-tier policing, later popularised by X (Twitter) owner Elon Musk. Jessica Elgot and Rowena Mason, [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/article/2024/aug/06/elon-musk-calls-pm-two-tier-keir-over-police-response-to-uk-riots "Elon Musk calls PM ‘two-tier Keir’ over police response to UK riots"], ''The Guardian'' (7 August 2024) * Has Britain elected a bumbling nobody to the highest office in the land? Or does his dullness conceal a driving purpose? * The worst mistake of political conservatives in the western world has been to refuse to understand and examine the length, breadth, depth, and height of the post-1968 left in Europe and North America. If you do not know what you are fighting, you will never find out why you are fighting, or how you should fight it. By becoming dull, and by speaking in code, the revolution has overwhelmed those who would have fought it with all their might if it had appeared in the guise of the Bolsheviks or the Jacobins. ** Peter Hitchens, [https://www.theamericanconservative.com/the-disguise-of-dullness/ "The Disguise of Dullness"], ''The American Conservative'' (22 October 2024) ===2025=== *[H]e got into Leeds University where he was told by academics that if only the world was ruled by human rights, it would be just and peaceful and there'd be no war. So he really believes in all that. That was his formation. And then he becomes prime minister and has this terrible awareness that the world is not ruled by words and paper. There’s things like armies and war in Europe and [[Donald Trump]] got elected. This is all pretty shocking [to him]. **[[Maurice Glasman, Baron Glasman|Maurice Glasman]], quoted in Harry Lambert, '[https://harrytlambert.substack.com/p/ep-2-maurice-glasman EP #2: Maurice Glasman]', ''Substack'' (20 November 2025) ===2026=== *As Labour MPs wargame how to depose Sir Keir Starmer, some have a strategy from the [[Margaret Thatcher]] years in mind.<br>In 1990, the former Conservative Prime Minister was told her time was up by a delegation of “men in grey suits” from her party. Now, Labour MPs are discussing sending a deputation of women to tell Starmer to resign. **[[w:Kitty Donaldson|Kitty Donaldson]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/politics/labour-women-grey-suits-sent-tell-starmer-resign-4216005 "Labour 'women in grey suits' could be sent to tell Starmer to resign"], ''iNews'' (5 February 2026) * This is not [[Winston Churchill]] that we're dealing with. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62gwkjg0k9o "Trump says Starmer is 'no Winston Churchill' over Iran strikes"], ''BBC News'' (3 March 2026) * You have many great strengths that I admire. You led our party to a {{w|2024 United Kingdom general election|victory}} few thought possible in 2024 and I was proud to fight alongside you in the trenches of that campaign. You have shown courage and statesmanship on the world stage - not least in keeping Britain out of the war in Iran.{{Pb}}But where we need vision, we have a vacuum. Where we need direction, we have drift. This was underscored by your speech on Monday. Leaders take responsibility, but too often that has meant other people falling on their swords. You also need to listen to your colleagues, including backbenchers, and the heavy-handed approach to dissenting voices diminishes our politics. ** {{w|Wes Streeting}} resignation letter quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cwy21gpr1kzt "Andy Burnham to try to run for Parliament after Labour MP says he'll stand down for him"], ''BBC News'' (14 May 2026) * You know what defence needs. You made the argument for this powerfully in your speech at the Munich Security Conference back in February. Without a DIP that meets the moment in this way, I am being forced to make decisions that would reduce the readiness of our Forces and increase the risk to personnel on operations, and could make the country less safe.{{br}}After explaining to you that I would not be able to accept a DIP settlement that does not give our Forces the resources they need, I am now left with no other option than to submit my resignation as your Defence Secretary. ** {{w|John Healey|John Healey's}} resignation letter, quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cgjx64yl7z9o "Defence Secretary John Healey's resignation letter in full"], ''BBC News'' (11 June 2026) * Whilst he has been my political opponent, Sir Keir Starmer will shortly become our Prime Minister. In this job, his successes will be all our successes, and I wish him and his family well. Whatever our disagreements in this campaign, he is a decent, public-spirited man, who I respect. He and his family deserve the very best of our understanding, as they make the huge transition to their new lives behind this door, and as he grapples with this most demanding of jobs in an increasingly unstable world. ** Rishi Sunak (5 July 2024); from a speech in Downing Street shortly before tendering his resignation to [[Charles III]]. As cited in [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/i-will-resign-as-conservative-leader/ "Full text: I will resign as Conservative leader"], ''The Spectator'' (5 July 2024). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Wikisource author}} {{Commons category}} * {{official website|https://keirstarmer.com}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Starmer, Keir}} [[Category:1962 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Lawyers from England]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:Leaders of the Opposition (United Kingdom)]] [[Category:Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom]] oe2ykuo37opcgmrh73syfzyzvx1e67x 3955279 3955273 2026-06-22T11:06:44Z Philip Cross 7192 update 3955279 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer Official Portrait (cropped).jpg|thumb|Politics can be a force for good. We will show that.]] '''[[w:Keir Starmer|Sir Keir Starmer]]''' [[w:Keir Starmer|KCB]] [[w:King's Counsel|KC]] (/ˈkɪər ˈstɑːrmər/; born 2 September 1962) is a British [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]] politician, and [[w:Prime Minister of the United Kingdom|Prime Minister of the United Kingdom]] following the [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|2024 general election]]. Starmer announced his resignation on 22 June 2026, and will remain in both of his posts until the conclusion of the [[w:2026 Labour Party leadership election (UK)|Labour Party leadership election]]. He has served as the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|member of parliament]] for [[w:Holborn and St Pancras|Holborn and St Pancras]] since 2015. A former [[w:barrister|barrister]], he was elected as [[w:leader of the Labour Party (UK)|Leader of the Labour Party]] in April 2020, becoming [[w:Leader of the Opposition (United Kingdom)|Leader of the Opposition]]. Previously, he was the [[w:Director of Public Prosecutions (England and Wales)|Director of Public Prosecutions]] (DPP) and the Head of the [[w:Crown Prosecution Service|Crown Prosecution Service]] (CPS). == Quotes == [[File:Official portrait of Keir Starmer.jpg|thumb|[T]he government aims high.]] * [I ask] the question of the role the police should play, if any, in civil society. Who are they protecting and from what? ** Opinion piece on the {{w|Wapping dispute}} (1986), as quoted in Patrick Maguire, [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2020/03/keir-starmer-sensible-radical "Keir Starmer: The sensible radical"], ''The New Statesman'' (31 March 2020) === 2016 === *The referendum is clear and has to be accepted and we can't have a re-run of the question that was put to the country earlier this year. But, and it's a big but, there has to be democratic grip of the process and, at the moment, what the prime minister's trying to do is to manoeuvre without any scrutiny in [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliament]] and that's why the terms on, which we're going to negotiate absolutely have to be put to a vote in the House. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-37600563 "Brexit: MPs should vote on talks, says Labour's Starmer"] ''BBC News'' (9 October 2016) *We accept and respect the outcome of the referendum. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-37860618 "Reality Check: Could High Court ruling on Article 50 scupper Brexit?"] ''BBC News'' (3 November 2016) *What I think is really important is that the government aims high. My worry is that the [[Government of the United Kingdom|government]] has attached so much importance to [[immigration]] that it's not even going to try to get the best access to the single market. In other words, it's going to give up before it starts. My sense is that the government is saying 'because we want to take such a hard line on immigration we are going to give up on parts of the argument that would be better for the economy'. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-politics-37936401 "Brexit talks should include free movement, says Keir Starmer"] ''BBC News'' (10 November 2016) === 2017 === *I wish the result had gone the other way. I campaigned passionately for that. But as democrats our party has to accept that result and it follows that the prime minister should not be blocked from starting the Article 50 negotiations. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38799686 "Brexit decision 'difficult' for Labour, Keir Starmer says"] ''BBC News'' (31 January 2017) * What's clear, from the CBI and others, is that there is no result that would be worse for the British economy than leaving [the EU] with no deal ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-39277845 "Brexit: Donald Tusk warns UK against 'no deal threat'"] ''BBC News'' (15 March 2017) *The Labour Party has supported strong counter-terrorism legislation over the years and we have that commitment in our manifesto **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-40186744 "Labour's Keir Starmer says IRA comments were 'regrettable'"] ''BBC News'' (7 June 2017) *We are absolutely clear we can not have a hard border we need to negotiate with our EU partners. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-40186744 "Labour's Keir Starmer says IRA comments were 'regrettable'"] ''BBC News'' (7 June 2017) *Labour would seek a transitional deal that maintains the same basic terms that we currently enjoy with the EU. That means we would seek to remain in a customs union with the [[European Union|EU]] and within the single market during this period. It means we would abide by the common rules of both. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-41064314 "Brexit: Keep single market for transition period - Labour"] ''BBC News'' (27 August 2017) *Remaining in a form of customs union after a transition post-Brexit phase remained a possible end destination for the Labour party. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-41378928 "Labour conference: Starmer claims 'grown-up' Brexit stance"] ''BBC News'' (25 September 2017) *[I want a partnership with the EU that] retains the benefits of the single market and the customs union **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42298971 "Brexit: David Davis wants 'Canada plus plus plus' trade deal"] ''BBC News'' (10 December 2017) === 2018 === *Obviously, there are lots of benefits from a customs union, none more so, in many respects, than in Northern Ireland. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-42853018 "Sir Keir Starmer makes NI warning over Brexit deal"] ''BBC News'' (29 January 2018) *We all want to do bold new trade agreements but we would be better off doing that with the EU. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43186005 "Labour wants permanent customs union treaty after Brexit - Starmer"] ''BBC News'' (25 February 2018) *Benefits of the single market and customs union... need to be hard-wired into the final agreement **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43513287 "Labour frontbencher Owen Smith backs another EU referendum"] ''BBC News'' (23 March 2018) *There's a growing view, I think probably a majority view in Parliament now, that it's in our national interests and economic interests to stay in a customs union with the EU. We've got a huge manufacturing sector in the UK that needs to be protected, with many goods going over borders many, many times, and we need to protect that. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43821737 "Brexit: Senior MPs to force customs union vote"] ''BBC News'' (19 April 2018) *It is right for Parliament to have the first say but if we need to break the impasse, our options must include campaigning for a public vote and nobody is ruling out Remain as an option. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45631792 "Labour conference: Members vote to keep referendum option open"] ''BBC News'' (25 September 2018) *I remain as convinced as ever that the consequences of no deal would be so severe that it cannot be allowed to happen. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46168194 "Brexit: New referendum still an option, says Emily Thornberry"] ''BBC News'' (11 November 2018) === 2019 === *During the talks, almost literally as we were sitting in the room talking, cabinet members and wannabe Tory leaders were torpedoing the talks with remarks about not being willing to accept the customs union. In terms of the team that we were negotiating with, I'm not blaming them. Circling around those that were in the room trying to negotiate were others who didn't want the negotiation to succeed because they had their eye on what was coming next. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48319757 "Brexit: Withdrawal Agreement Bill 'should include public vote'"] ''BBC News'' (18 May 2019) *When you say you will leave without a deal - do or die - what sort of message does that send to the people of Northern Ireland? **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-49797636 "Sir Keir Starmer: MPs 'casual' about no-deal Brexit for NI"] ''BBC News'' (23 September 2019) === 2020 === [[File:Keir Starmer sidebar.jpg|thumb|[I]f you are anti-Semitic, you cannot and should not be in the Labour Party. No ifs, no buts.]] * I don’t think there are big issues on which I’ve changed my mind. The big issue we were grappling with then was how the Labour Party, or the left generally, bound together the wider movement and its strands of equality – feminist politics, green politics, LGBT – which I thought was incredibly exciting, incredibly important. ** Quoted in Patrick Maguire, [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2020/03/keir-starmer-sensible-radical "Keir Starmer: The sensible radical"], ''The New Statesman'' (31 March 2020) * [[w:Passover|Passover]] is also a fitting moment for me to acknowledge the pain and hurt that the Labour Party has caused Jewish people in recent years. [[Antisemitism|Anti-Semitism]] has been a stain on our party. I have seen first-hand the unacceptable and unimaginable levels of grief and distress it has caused many in the [[Jews|Jewish]] community and beyond. It is why my very first act on becoming leader over the weekend was to apologise for the hurt that has been caused. I want to apologise again and reiterate my pledge to tear out this poison by its roots. * The principle of what I want to achieve is clear: if you are anti-Semitic, you cannot and should not be in the Labour Party. No ifs, no buts. ** [https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/comment/i-apologise-to-the-jewish-community-rebuilding-your-trust-starts-now-a4408901.html "Keir Starmer: I apologise to the Jewish community — rebuilding your trust starts now"] ''Evening Standard'' (7 April 2020) ** Extracts from a pre-recorded speech on 4 April 2020 when Starmer became leader of the Labour Party. See [[Antisemitism in the UK Labour Party]]. === 2021 === [[File:Keir Starmer- Remembrance Sunday at the Cenotaph.jpg|thumb|I will change the things that need changing and that is the change that I will bring about.]] *There are four [[Elections in the United Kingdom|elections]] on Thursday 6 May. **[https://twitter.com/kglasss/status/1390230023290957829 Twitter] ''Kieran Glasssmith'' *I will change the things that need changing and that is the change that I will bring about. **[https://twitter.com/AdamBienkov/status/1390685349341548547 Twitter] ''Adam Bienkov'' * I've got to do [[Neil Kinnock|Kinnock]] and [[Tony Blair|Blair]]'s job in one term. ** Conversation with [[w:Jason Cowley (journalist)|Jason Cowley]] (summer 2021), recounted in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/keir-starmer-politics-prime-minister-labour-7dbz3cq0j "The Keir Starmer I know: an outsider driven by self-belief, not politics"], ''The Sunday Times'' (25 May 2024). ** The Labour leaders Neil Kinnock (1983–1992) and Tony Blair (from 1994) are most credited with ending one of the party's extended periods of being out of power (1979–1997). === 2022 === * What a pathetic spectacle: the dying act of his [Boris Johnson's] political career is to parrot that nonsense. As for those who are left, they are only in office because no one else is prepared to debase themselves any longer—the charge of the lightweight brigade. Have some self-respect! For a week, he has had them defending his decision to promote [[w:Chris Pincher|[Chris Pincher]]] a sexual predator. Every day, the lines he has forced them to take have been untrue: first, that he was unaware of any allegation—untrue; then, that he was unaware of any “specific” allegation—untrue; then, that he was unaware of any “serious, specific” allegation; and now he wants them to go out and say that he simply forgot that his Whip was a sexual predator. Anyone with anything about them would be long gone from his Front Bench. In the middle of a crisis, does the country not deserve better than a Z-list cast of nodding dogs? **Starmer's questions to Prime Minister [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]] regarding the [[w:Chris Pincher scandal|Chris Pincher scandal]], during one of his last Prime Ministers' Questions sessions, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVyUMjcnNvQ via UK Parlament's YouTube channel] (6 July 2022) * So let me be very clear: with Labour, Britain will not go back into the EU. We will not be joining the single market. We will not be joining a customs union. ** Speech quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/jul/04/starmer-ends-labour-silence-on-brexit-as-he-rules-out-rejoining-single-market "Starmer ends Labour silence on Brexit as he rules out rejoining single market"], ''The Guardian'' (4 July 2022). * [Asked if he was concerned about the police dealing with anti-monarchist protesters during a period of national mourning six days after Queen [[Elizabeth II]] died.] The word I would use around that issue is respect. I think if people have spent a long time waiting to come forward to have that moment as the coffin goes past or whatever it may be, I think respect that, because people have made a huge effort to come and have that private moment to say thank you to Queen Elizabeth II.<br>Respect that. Obviously we have to respect the fact that some people disagree. One of the great British traditions is the ability to protest and to disagree.<br>But I think if it can be done in the spirit of respect. Respect the fact that hundreds of thousands of people do want to come forward and have that moment. Don’t ruin it for them.<br>But also we do need to respect the fact that other people must be entitled to express their different views. ** Comments on the ''BBC Breakfast'' programme, cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/09/14/dont-ruin-period-mourning-sir-keir-starmer-tells-anti-royalists/ "Don't 'ruin' the period of mourning, Sir Keir Starmer tells anti-royalists"] ''The Telegraph'' (14 September 2022) * Today I want to set out what's at stake for Britain, because while politics is always about choices, the choice now is as stark as it gets. We face a battle for the soul of our country, who we are, who we're for, and the Labour choices of Britian is that it's greener, fairer, and more dynamic. **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhaW-WfyiQU/As Government is in turmoil, Starmer calls for an Election] Speech (October 2022) * The lady's not for turning up. **Starmer to [[Penny Mordaunt]] about [[Liz Truss]], as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/liz-truss-penny-mordaunt-starmer-b2204440.html "Liz Truss accused of ‘hiding away’ after sending Penny Mordaunt to face MPs in her place"], ''The Independent'' (17 October 2024) ** An allusion to a comments by [[Margaret Thatcher]] at the 1980 Conservative Party conference ending with "You turn if you want to. The lady's not for turning". [https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/fashion/liz-truss-tory-leadership-thatcher-outfit-b2124664.html Truss was accused] of copying the former prime minister's wardrobe. * The only mandate she's ever had was from members opposite. It was a mandate built on fantasy economics, and it ended in disaster. The country's got nothing to show for it except the destruction of the economy and the implosion of the [[Conservative Party (UK)|Tory Party]]. I've got the list here: 45p tax cut, gone. Corporation tax cut, gone. 20p tax cut, gone. Two-year energy freeze, gone. Tax-free shopping, gone. Economic credibility, gone! And her supposed best friend [[w:Kwasi Kwarteng|the former chancellor]], he's gone as well. They're all gone! So why is she still here? **Starmer's questions to Prime Minister Liz Truss regarding the [[w:September 2022 United Kingdom mini-budget|September 2022 "mini budget"]] during her last Prime Ministers' Questions session, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVHAnuYL070 via The Guardian's YouTube channel] (19 October 2022) * The only time he ran in a competitive election, he got trounced by the former prime minister, who herself got beaten by lettuce! **Starmer's questions to Prime Minister [[w:Rishi Sunak|Rishi Sunak]] regarding Sunak losing his first leadership bid to Liz Truss, during Sunak's first Prime Ministers' Questions session, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lOCgI_WOR8 via The Guardian's YouTube channel] (25 October 2022) * So that means fair rules, firm rules, a points-based system. What I would like to see is the numbers go down in some areas. I think we're recruiting too many people from overseas into, for example, the health service. But on the other hand, if we need high-skilled people in innovation in tech to set up factories etc, then I would encourage that. * [Opposing a future Scottish independence referendum regardless of the [[Supreme Court of the United Kingdom|Supreme Court]] in [[London]] potentially deciding to accept the [[w:Scottish Parliament|Scottish Parliament]] has a legal right to hold one.] It's good the case has gone to court because I think it's better to have legal certainty, so we all know the basis on which we're operating [...] All the court is going to be able to rule is, if it does rule in favour, is that there could or can be, [that] it's legally permissible to have a referendum. That doesn't answer the political question, which is 'should there be a referendum'? ** Interviewed on ''The Sunday Show'' (BBC Scotland television programme, 6 November 2022), as cited in "Keir Starmer says NHS jobs must be filled domestically as he fails to set out democratic route to independence"], ''The Scotsman'' (7 November 2022). * We took the decision to leave and we have left. So now what we need to do is rather than just sticking with the deal we've got which is not good enough, we need to make [[Brexit]] work. ** Interviewed on ''The Sunday Show'' (BBC Scotland television programme, 6 November 2022), as quoted in [https://www.heraldscotland.com/politics/23104770.keir-starmer-no-case-returning-eu/ "Keir Starmer: There is no case for returning to the EU"] ''The Herald'' (Glasgow, 6 November 2022). ===2023 === * [[Antisemitism]] is an evil. It is a very specific type of [[racism]], one that festers and spreads like an infection. Its conspiratorial nature attracts those who would have no truck with any other form of prejudice. Indeed, it can be those who call themselves "[[Anti-racism|anti-racist]]" who are most blind to it. The reason the [[w:Equality and Human Rights Commission|Equality and Human Rights Commission]] (EHRC) opened their investigation into the Labour Party was because it had become an incubator for this poison. We needed to change. That's why my first act as leader was to commit to tearing antisemitism out by the roots, without fear or favour. * The Labour Party I lead today is unrecognisable from 2019. There are those who don't like that change, who still refuse to see the reality of what had gone on under the previous leadership. To them I say in all candour: we are never going back. If you don’t like it, nobody is forcing you to stay. * The Labour Party I lead is patriotic. It is a party of public service, not protest. It is a party of equality, justice and fairness; one that proudly puts the needs of working people above any fringe interest. It is a party that doesn't just talk about change – it delivers it. ** [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/keir-starmer-my-labour-is-patriotic-a-party-of-equality-not-protest-xgsrflzl8 "Keir Starmer: My Labour is patriotic, a party of equality not protest"] ''The Times'' (14 February 2023) * The lettuces are out, but the turnips are in. ** To Sunak at PMQs (March 2023) * They blew up for me an incredibly detailed photograph of a lung with very dark marks on it which were all the air pollution from our roads which were causing cancer in that and many other patients.<br />It's worth us all just asking ourselves...if we are not prepared to do these sort of schemes what are we going to do.<br />If increasing numbers of people, and young people as well, are getting cancer...I have to say..intake of breath when I saw the phot[o]graph, they said there are the dark areas that are lung cancer because of it (air pollution). We can’t just sit that out. ** On a visit to the [[w:Francis Crick Institute|Crick Institute]] in an interview on [[w:LBC|LBC]], as cited in [https://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/keir-starmer-greater-london-ulez-expansion-sadiq-khan-lung-cancer-b1081142.html "Keir Starmer: Ulez expansion needed to curb lung cancer"], ''Evening Standard'' (15 May 2023). * [On the [[w:Just Stop Oil|Just Stop Oil]] protests] I can't wait for them to stop their antics, frankly. They're interrupting iconic sporting events that are part of our history, tradition and massively looked forward to across the nation. I absolutely condemn the way they go about their tactics. And I have to say it's riddled with an arrogance that only they have the sort of right to force their argument on other people in this way. ** On [[w:Times Radio|Times Radio]] (6 July 2023), as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/keir-starmer-speech-protesters-climate-change-8q5l0dq0z "Keir Starmer promises compulsory arts or sport until 16"] ''The Times'' (6 July 2023) * In fact, I hate tree huggers. ** Reported (but officially denied) comments to the Shadow Cabinet after a presentation from [[Ed Miliband]] (Shadow Secretary of State for Climate Change and Net Zero), as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/labour-green-climate-change-starmer-miliband-b2372012.html "'I hate tree huggers': How Starmer apparently exploded over Labour’s green policy"] ''The Independent'' (10 July 2023) ** The claim originally appeared in a [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/i-hate-tree-huggers-keir-starmer-explodes-over-green-policy-6hhnj9r9x ''Sunday Times''] article on 9 July 2023. * As for [[w:2023 Uxbridge and South Ruislip by-election|Uxbridge [and South Ruislip]]], we always knew that was going to be tough [...] [[w:Uxbridge (UK Parliament constituency)|We didn't win Uxbridge in 1997]], and obviously we knew that [[w:Ultra Low Emission Zone|ULEZ]] [(Ultra Low Emission Zone)] was an issue. That's why we lost in Uxbridge.<br />We all need to reflect on that, including [[Sadiq Khan|the mayor]] [of London], but there's no taking away from the historic event that has happened here in [[w:2023 Selby and Ainsty by-election|Selby [and Ainsty]]]. ** [https://news.sky.com/story/labours-uxbridge-defeat-sparks-blame-game-weve-got-a-lot-to-think-about-12924770 "Labour's Uxbridge defeat sparks blame game: 'We've got a lot to think about'"], ''Sky News'' (21 July 2023) ** On 20 July 2023, three by-elections were held. Labour was narrowly defeated in [[w:Uxbridge and South Ruislip (UK Parliament constituency)|Uxbridge and South Ruislip]] (the former constituency of Conservative [[Boris Johnson]]) by 495 votes, but gained [[w:Selby and Ainsty (UK Parliament constituency)|Selby and Ainsty]] from the Conservatives with a voting swing of 23.7%. * Every time there's been the threat of a rebellion he's backed down. The one thing you get if you win the leadership of your party is the right to say 'I've won the leadership and I'm going to do this, and we're going to do it and this is what I'm saying we're going to do with the party, and we're going to do it’. He doesn't have the ability to do that because he hasn't got a mandate. ** Speaking on the ''Political Party'' podcast with [[w:Matt Forde|Matt Forde]], as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/b2ee22ea-b21e-11ed-be6b-8488e113f360?shareToken=0187ff745115e9aae9a5de1e8c2a5442 "Sir Keir Starmer: I loathed unprincipled, lying Boris Johnson"] ''The Times'' (21 February 2023). === 2024 === * Further information came to light yesterday calling for decisive action, so I took decisive action. It is a huge thing to withdraw support for a Labour candidate during [[w:2024 Rochdale by-election|the course of a by-election]]. It's a tough decision, a necessary decision, but when I say the Labour Party has changed under my leadership I mean it. ** Comments in [[w:Wellingborough (UK Parliament constituency)|Wellingborough]], Northamptonshire (13 February 2024), as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/azhar-ali-latest-rochdale-labour-comments-keir-starmer-antisemitism-zqgn26cfd "Graham Jones: Labour suspends second candidate over Israel comments"], ''The Times'' (13 February 2024) ** Azhar Ali, a candidate in the [[w:2024 Rochdale by-election|2024 Rochdale by-election]] in Greater Manchester had been suspended by the Labour Party after changes to candidates listed on ballot papers could no longer be legally changed. Also suspended from the party was [[w:Graham Jones (politician)|Graham Jones]], a former Labour Party MP for [[w:Hyndburn (UK Parliament constituency)|Hyndburn]] (and selected as a candidate for the eventual [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|July 2024 general election]] in his former seat), in the neighbouring county of Lancashire. [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2024/feb/13/grassroots-labour-meeting-party-turmoil-suspended-candidates-azhar-ali-graham-jones Both had made antisemitic comments]. The [[w:2024 Wellingborough by-election|2024 Wellingborough by-election]] was held two days later. It was being disputed in the media that Starmer had taken "decisive action" against Azhar Ali as it had taken nearly two days before he was suspended after the first reports of his initial comments. <blockquote>Tonight the Prime Minister has finally announced the next General Election. A moment the country needs – and has been waiting for. And where, by the force of our democracy power returns to you. A chance to change for the better. Your future. Your community. Your country. It will feel like a long campaign – I’m sure of that. But no matter what else is said and done. That opportunity for change is what this election is about. Over the course of the last four years – we have changed the Labour Party. Returned it once more to the service of working people. All we ask now – humbly – is to do exactly the same for our country. And return Britain to the service of working people. To that purpose. We offer three reasons why you should change Britain with Labour.<br><br>One – because we will stop the chaos. Look around our country. The sewage in our rivers. People waiting on trolleys in A&E. Crime virtually unpunished. Mortgages and food prices – through the roof. It’s all – every bit of it – a direct result of the Tory chaos in Westminster. Time and again, they pursue their own interests. Rather than tackling the issues that affect your family. And if they get another five years, they will feel entitled to carry on exactly as they are. Nothing will change. A vote for Labour is a vote for stability – economic and political. A politics that treads more lightly on all our lives. A vote to stop the chaos.<br><br>Two – because it’s time for change. Our offer is to reset both our economy and our politics. So that they once again serve the interests of working people. We totally reject the Tory view that economic strength is somehow gifted from those at the top. Over the past fourteen years – through all the crises we have had to face – sticking with this idea has left our country exposed, insecure and unable to unlock the potential of every community. But a vote for Labour is a vote to turn the page on all that. A vote for change.<br><br>And finally, three – because we have a long-term plan to rebuild Britain. A plan that is ready to go. Fully-costed and fully funded. We can deliver economic stability. Cut the NHS waiting times. Secure our borders with a New Border Security Command. Harness Great British Energy to cut your bills for good. Tackle anti-social behaviour. And get the teachers we need in your children’s classroom.<br><br>But most of importantly of all, we do all this with a new spirit of service. Country first, party second. A rejection of the gesture politics you will see in this campaign, I have no doubt from the Tories and from the SNP. I am well aware of the cynicism people hold towards politicians at the moment. But I came into politics late, having served our country as leader of the Crown Prosecution Service. And I helped the Police Service in Northern Ireland to gain the consent of all communities. Service of our country is the reason – and the only reason – why I am standing here now – asking for your vote. And I believe with patience, determination and that commitment to service there is so much pride and potential we can unlock across our country. So – here it is – the future of the country – in your hands. On 4th July you have the choice. And together, we can stop the chaos. We can turn the page. We can start to rebuild Britain. And change our country. Thank you.<br> * Responding to the [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|2024 election]] being called. [https://labour.org.uk/updates/press-releases/keir-starmer-delivering-a-speech-on-the-announcement-of-the-uk-general-election/ "Keir Starmer delivering a speech on the announcement of the UK General Election"], ''Labour.org'' (22 May 2024) </blockquote> <blockquote>Now, this week is the 80th anniversary of [[w:Normandy landings|D-Day]], so I want to start by remembering the bravery of those soldiers who sailed from the South of England to the beaches of France. The individual courage and the collective strength of our troops whose sacrifice that day turned the tide of the Second World War, brought liberation to Europe, and secured our freedom. This week and every week – we will remember them. And we will honour them. Some gave their lives so we could live freely. Others returned home to build a new Britain. We salute those who remain with us today and keep the memory of their fallen comrades alive. And we recognise with one voice, as a nation, that our debt can never be paid in full.<br><br>But of course – we can honour their sacrifice with our decisions today. And we must. Because sadly, the world we live in today is perhaps more dangerous and volatile than at any time since then, and frankly, for my generation, that’s a shock. I mean, I remember vividly the day the [[w:Fall of the Berlin Wall|Berlin Wall came down]] in 1989. I remember how I felt. A sense of freedom, of possibility, of peace. European countries once again free to choose their own futures, new allegiances being made, friendships forged out of the scars of war. And above all, a sense – as the wall came down – nothing like that could happen again. An end of an era.<br><br>I didn't think that in my lifetime I would see Russian tanks entering a European country again. The rumble of war rolling across our continent, soldiers kissing their children goodbye, desperate families fleeing across European borders in search of safety. But in that moment, as we saw those pictures from Kyiv, I understood. The post-war era is over and a new age of insecurity has begun. An era where the burden of history – for people and nations will once again, be heavier on our backs. National security is the most important issue of our times. Something which, of course, is always true, and which for us, if we are privileged to serve our country, will become our solemn responsibility.<br><br>That’s not something I say lightly: the security and defence of our nation is personal to my family. Like so many families, I have relatives who served in the second world war. My mum's brother, my uncle Roger, served in the [[w:Falklands War|Falklands]] on [[w:HMS Antelope (F170)|HMS Antelope]]. And I remember the terrible wait when his ship was bombed. My mum’s fear as she sat by the radio every day, listening for news, and then the relief, a long week later, when we found out he had survived. So I know the courage, the service, and the sacrifice that allows us to sleep soundly at night from our forces and their families. I know it. I respect it. And I will serve it – with every decision. It is part of my story, and the reason why I said – from day one of my leadership – that the Labour Party had to change. Change for a purpose. To respect your service, face the future in this dangerous world, and above all – to keep Britain safe. That is why, with my changed Labour Party, national security will always come first. That’s a message I took to Kyiv last year when I visited [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|President Zelensky]]. A pledge of unwavering British support in the face of Russian tyranny. But we have to be resolute, not just in our support for Ukraine but also – in this era, at home. We must face down malign actors who try to attack and weaken our nation, and not just through traditional warfare over air, land and sea, but with hybrid threats – to our energy supply, cyber security, information warfare.<br><br> Now – I would prefer if politics were kept out of this issue – even at this election. Throughout the whole of this Parliament. I have deliberately not been partisan over issues of national security. Yet just before this election, the Tories questioned this Labour Party's commitment to national security. And I will not let that stand. The people of Britain need to know that their leaders will keep them safe – and we will. Furthermore, the truth is that after 14 years of the Tories, we are less safe and less secure. You don't have to take my word for it. The Tory's own former defence secretary says the government has failed to take defence seriously. We have the smallest army since the time of Napoleon, at a time when other countries are firmly on a war footing. So – even as we work tirelessly for peace, we have to be fit to fight. So let me be unequivocal. This Labour Party is totally committed to the security of our nation. To our armed forces. And, importantly, to our nuclear deterrent.<br><br> Just a few weeks ago I visited BAE Systems in Barrow-in-Furness. I was the first Labour leader to visit in 30 years. I saw the nuclear submarines being made. I saw an industry that supports the local community and I met workers who are proud to be doing their bit for our national security. They deserve our full support, and they will get it. The nuclear deterrent is the foundation of any plan to keep Britain safe – it is essential. That's why Labour has announced a new triple-lock commitment to our nuclear deterrent. We'll maintain Britain’s Continuous at Sea deterrent 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Deliver all the needed future upgrades and we will build four new nuclear submarines like the ones I saw in Barrow. That won't just keep us safe, it will also support good jobs and growth across the UK. One of my first visits after I became leader of the Labour Party was to Plymouth, the frontline of defence in this country. Devonport alone employs 2,500 service people and civilians, it supports 400 local businesses, and it generates around 10% of Plymouth’s income. And when I was there, I met the shipbuilding apprentices – talented, ambitious young people. And I looked them in the eye and promised that I would fight for the future of Plymouth’s defence industry. And I will. Because it's only by harnessing and supporting the strength of proud communities like Plymouth, Barrow, Aldershot, and so many more, that means we can safeguard our security and our growth for the decades to come. I mean look at Ukraine now. Industrial capacity is an absolutely critical part of security. So with Labour, Britain will be fit to fight.<br><br> Within the first year of a Labour government, we will carry out a new strategic defence review. And we're absolutely committed to spending 2.5% of GDP on defence as soon as possible, because we know our security isn't just vital for our safety today, it's absolutely central to our success for the future. National security and economic security must go hand in hand. And we also know that playing our part on the world stage makes us stronger and better off at home.<br><br> So make no mistake: I am absolutely committed to rebuilding relationships with our allies. I went to the Munich Security Conference back in February, I met with world leaders from the US, Europe and the Middle East and I met the Secretary General of NATO. And I pledged to each of them that with a Labour government, the UK would be a point of stability in a chaotic world, that we would always meet our international obligations, take our responsibilities seriously and be a leader on the world stage once more. Because when I spoke about D-Day at the beginning I wasn't just talking about respect for our past, I was thinking about our future as well. Because that is the best example of what cooperation can achieve in the face of fascism and aggression. Our joint endeavour, our shared values, our common respect for freedom, democracy, liberty, that's what we were fighting for and that fight never stops. There is a narrative you see sometimes that our values are a point of weakness. That’s what [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] thinks. But he's wrong. Ukraine has shown that, and we must be prepared to stand up as well, because those values are our cause and our strength.<br><br> Let me be clear. This is not a party-political issue, this is a national issue. It affects every single individual, every community, and Labour will always put our country first. We will serve working people across our nation, and respect our armed forces as they continue to protect our country. But on July 4th there is a choice. And you can choose to rebuild a country that is proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with European allies, that leads the way in standing up for our values and our freedom, all around the world, and that will never shy away from doing our duty at home and abroad. A stronger, safer, more secure Britain with Labour. That is the choice. It’s time to stop the chaos, time to turn the page and rebuild our country, together. Thank you very much.<br> * From the manifesto launch, as cited in [https://labour.org.uk/updates/press-releases/keir-starmer-a-stronger-safer-more-secure-britain-speech/ "Keir Starmer – A stronger, safer, more secure Britain speech"], Labour Party press release (3 June 2024)</blockquote> * This is a serious plan, carefully thought through. It is not about rabbits out of the hat, it's not about pantomime, we've had enough of that. I'm running as a candidate to be prime minister, not a candidate to run the circus. * If you want politics as pantomime, I hear Clacton is nice this time of year. ** Speaking to journalists at the manifesto launch, as cited in Jennifer Scott, [https://news.sky.com/story/labour-launches-manifesto-as-sir-keir-starmer-pledges-to-end-desperate-era-of-gimmicks-and-rebuild-britain-13152379 "Labour launches manifesto as Sir Keir Starmer pledges to end political 'pantomime' and 'rebuild Britain'"], ''Sky News'' (3 June 2024). ** [[Nigel Farage]], the [[w:Reform UK|Reform UK]] candidate in [[w:Clacton (UK Parliament constituency)|Clacton]], was gaining significant media attention. * We did it.<br />You campaigned for it, you fought for it, you voted for it and now it has arrived. Change begins now.<br />And it feels good, I have to be honest.<br />Four-and-a-half years of work changing the party. This is what it is for – a changed Labour Party ready to serve our country, ready to restore Britain to the service of working people.<br />And across our country, people will be waking up to the news – relieved that a weight has been lifted, a burden finally removed from the shoulders of this great nation.<br />And now we can look forward again, walk into the morning, the sunlight of hope, pale at first, but getting stronger through the day, shining once again on a country with the opportunity after 14 years to get its future back.<br />And I want to thank each and every one of you here for campaigning so hard for change, and not just in this campaign either – also for these four-and-a-half years changing our party.<br />The Labour movement is always – everything’s achieved past and future – down to the efforts of its people.<br />So thank you truly – you have changed our country.<br />But a mandate like this comes with great responsibility.<br />Our task is nothing less than renewing ideas that hold this country together – national renewal.<br />Whoever you are, wherever you started in life, if you work hard, if you play by the rules, this country should give you a fair chance to get on.<br />It should always respect your contribution and we have to restore that.<br />And alongside that, we have to return politics to public service, show that politics can be a force for good.<br />Make no mistake, that is the great test of politics in this era – the fight for trust is the battle that defines our age.<br />It is why we campaigned so hard on demonstrating we are fit for public service.<br />Service is the pre-condition for hope, respect the bond that can unite a country.<br />Together, the values of this changed Labour Party are the guiding principle for a new government – country first, party second.<br />That is the responsibility of this mandate.<br />You know, 14 years ago, we were told that we're all in it together.<br />I say to the British people today, imagine what we can do if that were actually true.<br />So by all means, enjoy this moment. Nobody can say you haven’t waited patiently.<br />Enjoy the feeling of waking up on a morning like this with the emotion that you do see the country through the same eyes.<br />Hold onto it, because it is what unity is made from, but use it to show to the rest of the country, as we must, that this party has changed, that we will serve them faithfully, govern for every single person in this country.<br />But also don’t forget how we got here.<br />This morning, we can see that the British people have voted to turn the page on 14 years but don’t pretend that there was anything inevitable about that – there’s nothing pre-ordained in politics.<br />Election victories don’t fall from the sky.<br />They’re hard won and hard fought for, and this one could only be won by a changed Labour Party.<br />We have the chance to repair our public services because we’ve changed the party.<br />We have the chance to make work pay because we’ve changed the party.<br />We have the chance to deliver for working people, young people, vulnerable people, the poorest in our society because we’ve changed the party.<br />'Country first, party second' isn’t a slogan – it's the guiding principle (of) everything we have done and must keep on doing – on the economy, on national security, on protecting our borders.<br />The British people have to look us in the eye and see that we can serve their interest and that work doesn’t stop now – it never stops.<br />The changes we've made are permanent, irreversible and we must keep going.<br />We ran as a changed Labour Party and we will govern as a changed Labour Party.<br />I don't promise you it will be easy. Changing a country's not like flicking a switch, it's hard work, patient work, determined work, and we will have to get moving immediately.<br />But even when the going gets tough, and it will, remember, tonight and always, what this is all about.<br />Now I may have mentioned my parents a few times in this campaign – once or twice – but the sense of security we had, the comfort they took from believing that Britain would always be better for their children, the hope, not high-minded, not idealistic, but a hope that working-class families like mine could build their lives around.<br />It is hope that may not burn brightly in Britain at the moment, but we have earned the mandate to relight the fire. That is the purpose of this party and of this Government.<br />We said we would end the chaos and we will. We said we would turn the page and we have. Today we start the next chapter, begin the work of change, the mission of national renewal and start to rebuild our country.<br />Thank you. ** Speech after winning a landslide victory (5 July 2024) * I call again for...the return of the sausages. ** Speech at the Labour Party Conference in Liverpool (22 September 2024) <!-- Quoted in Peter Hitchens, "The Disguise of Dullness", ''The American Conservative'' (22 October 2024) --> ** He quickly corrected his malapropism ('hostages' not 'sausages') * I am clear that [[Israel]] has the right to defend itself against [[Iranian]] aggression. I'm equally clear that we need to avoid further regional escalation and urge all sides to show restraint. Iran should not respond ** [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/british-pm-starmer-says-iran-should-not-respond-israeli-strikes-2024-10-26/ British PM Starmer says Iran should not respond to Israeli strikes] (25 October, updated 26 October, 2024) ==== First speech as Prime Minister (5 July 2024) ==== [[File:Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer arrives at 10 Downing Street (53836633106).jpg|thumb|Our country has voted decisively for change, for national renewal and a return of politics to public service … we can make a start today with the simple acknowledgement that public service is a privilege and that your government should treat every single person in this country with respect.]] :<small>[https://labourlist.org/2024/07/labour-general-election-results-starmer-full-speech-downing-street/ LabourList transcription (5 July 2024)] · [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/crgewjwqqq4o BBC transcription] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0y2wuKnF2M YouTube video]</small> [[File:Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer arrives at 10 Downing Street (53836682401).jpg|thumb|I invite you all to join this government of service in the mission of national renewal. Our work is urgent, and we begin it today.]] * I have just returned from [[w:Buckingham Palace|Buckingham Palace]], where I accepted an invitation from [[Charles III|His Majesty the King]] to form the next government of this great nation.<br />I want to thank the outgoing Prime Minister, [[Rishi Sunak]]. His achievement as the first British Asian Prime Minister of our country — the extra effort that that will have required — should not be underestimated by anyone.<br />We pay tribute to that today, and we also recognise the dedication and hard work he brought to his leadership. But now our country has voted decisively for change, for national renewal and a return of politics to public service. * When the gap between the sacrifices made by people and the service they receive from politicians grows this big, it leads to a weariness in the heart of a nation, a draining away of the hope, the spirit, the belief in a better future — that we need to move forward together. Now this wound, this lack of trust, can only be healed by actions, not words.<br />I know that, but we can make a start today with the simple acknowledgement that public service is a privilege and that your government should treat every single person in this country with respect. If you voted Labour yesterday, we will carry the responsibility of your trust as we rebuild our country.<br />But whether you voted Labour or not — in fact, especially if you did not — I say to you directly, my government will serve you. Politics can be a force for good. We will show that. We’ve changed the Labour Party, returned it to service — and that is how we will govern, country first party second. * Yet, if I am honest, service is merely a precondition of hope, and it is surely clear to everyone that our country needs a bigger reset, a rediscovery of who we are. Because no matter how fierce the storms of history, one of the great strengths of this nation has always been our ability to navigate away to calmer waters.<br />And yet this depends upon politicians, particularly those who stand for stability and moderation — as I do — recognising when we must change course. For too long now, we turned a blind eye as millions slid into greater insecurity.<br />Nurses, builders, drivers, carers, people doing the right thing, working harder every day, recognised at moments like this before, yet, as soon as the cameras stop rolling, their lives are ignored. I want to say very clearly to those people — not this time. * Changing a country is not like flicking a switch. The world is now a more volatile place. This will take a while.<br />But have no doubt that the work of change begins immediately. Have no doubt that we will rebuild Britain with wealth created in every community. * Brick by brick, we will rebuild the infrastructure of opportunity, the world class schools and colleges, the affordable homes that I know are the ingredients of hope for working people, the security that working class families like mine can build their lives around.<br />Because if I asked you now whether you believe that Britain will be better for your children, I know too many of you would say no, and so my government will fight every day until you believe again.<br />From now on, you have a government unburdened by doctrine guided only by the determination to serve your interest, to defy, quietly, those who have written our country off. * You have given us a clear mandate, and we will use it to deliver change. To restore service and respect to politics, end the era of noisy performance, tread more lightly on your lives and unite our country.<br />Four nations standing together again, facing down as we have so often in our past, the challenges of an insecure world committed to a calm and patient rebuilding. So with respect and humility, I invite you all to join this government of service in the mission of national renewal. Our work is urgent, and we begin it today. ===2025=== [[File:Donald Trump leaving Airforce One with United Kingdom Prime Minister Keir Starmer on 28 July 2025 in Scotland.jpg|thumb|Starmer with [[Donald Trump]]]] * He’s a true one-off, a pioneer in business, in politics. Many people love him. Others love to hate him. But to us, he's just... Peter. ** On Peter Mandelson in February 2025. * I actually welcome the judgment because I think it gives real clarity. It allows those that have got to draw up guidance to be really clear about what that guidance should say.<br/>So I think it's important that we see the judgment for what it is. It's a welcome step forward.<br />It's real clarity in an area where we did need clarity, I'm pleased it's come about.<br />We need to move and make sure that we now ensure that all guidance is in the right place according to that judgment. ** Speaking to a reporter, as cited in [https://www.itv.com/news/2025-04-22/keir-starmer-welcomes-clarity-on-supreme-court-gender-ruling "Prime Minister Keir Starmer welcomes 'clarity' on Supreme Court gender ruling"], ''ITV News'' (22 April 2025). ** Referring to the ''[[w:For Women Scotland Ltd v The Scottish Ministers|For Women Scotland Ltd v The Scottish Ministers]]'' decision at the UK's [[w:Supreme Court of the United Kingdom|Supreme Court]] on 16 April 2025. * Let me start by saying that the victims of Epstein are at the forefront of our minds. He was a despicable criminal who committed the most heinous crimes and destroyed the lives of so many women and girls. The ambassador has repeatedly expressed his deep regret for his association with Epstein, and he is right to do so. I have confidence in him, and he is playing an important role in the UK–US relationship. ** Statement on Mandelson at Prime Minister's Questions on 10 September 2025. ===2026–present=== * Let me start where I must: with the victims of Epstein. All our thoughts are with them. Our thoughts are also with all those who lost jobs, savings and livelihoods in the aftermath of the 2008 financial crash. To learn that there was a Cabinet Minister leaking sensitive information at the height of the response to the 2008 crash is beyond infuriating, and I am as angry as the public and any Member of this House. Mandelson betrayed our country, our Parliament and my party. He lied repeatedly to my team when asked about his relationship with Epstein, before and during his tenure as ambassador. I regret appointing him. If I knew then what I know now, he would never have been anywhere near Government. That is why yesterday the Cabinet Secretary, with my support, took the decision to refer material to the police, and there is now a criminal investigation. I have instructed my team to draft legislation to strip Mandelson of his title, and wider legislation to remove disgraced peers. This morning I have agreed with His Majesty the King that Mandelson should be removed from the list of Privy Counsellors on the grounds that he has brought the reputation of the Privy Council into disrepute. ** Statement on Mandelson at Prime Minister's Questions on 2 February 2026. * I am sorry. Sorry for what was done to you, sorry that so many people with power failed you, sorry for having believed Mandelson’s lies and appointing him. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/czx3lq460n6t] Apologising to Epstein's victims amid the Peter Mandelson scandal in February 2026. * We don't support trying to deliver regime change from the air ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62gwkjg0k9o Trump says Starmer is 'no Winston Churchill' over Iran strikes], ''BBC'' (3 March 2026) * It is not our war, a lot of pressure has been applied to me to take a different course and that pressure included what happened last night. I'm not going to change my mind, I'm not going to yield, it is not in our national interest to join this war and we will not do so. I know where I stand. ** Starmer resists pressure from [[Donald Trump]] to join [[2026 Iran war]], quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cdxdd7ddzgdo "Starmer says he's 'not going to yield' to pressure from Trump on Iran war"], ''BBC News'' (15 April 2026) * We need to also assert who we are as a country, because [[Elon Musk|Musk]], again, has been interfering in our politics in the last few days, trying to whip up division – that is not who we are in [[Britain]]. ** Quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c1e2ww900zno "Starmer accuses Musk of trying to whip up division over Henry Nowak murder"] ''BBC News'' (4 June 2026) * The question my party is asking now is whether I am best placed to lead us into the next general election. I have heard the answer of my parliamentary party to that question. And I accept that answer with good grace.{{Br}}Every decision I've taken has been about putting the country I love first. That is why I will resign as leader of the Labour Party. I have spoken to His Majesty the King this morning to inform him of my decision. ** Resignation speech at: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c621nnq4pm7o "Prime Minister Keir Starmer's resignation speech in full"], ''BBC News'' (22 June 2026) ==Quotes about Starmer== ===2024=== * If you want a culture wars warrior, Starmer is not your man. If you want a radical socialist who seeks to overturn capitalism, Starmer is not your man. If you want an entertainer, a comedian, a tweeter, Starmer is not your man. If you want to rerun previous leaders, [[Harold Wilson|Wilson]] or [[Tony Blair|Blair]], or someone who runs an agile team firing on all cylinders, sorry, Starmer is not your man. But if you want a leader who might start to heal the sinews of an enfeebled state and anaemic economy, and who will work in the interests of the relatively powerless, then he may very well be who we need. ** [[Andrew Marr]], [https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/labour/2024/02/keir-starmers-thirst-for-power "Keir Starmer's thirst for power"], ''The New Statesman'' (21 February 2024) * On 5 July, either Keir Starmer or I will be Prime Minister. He has shown time and time again that he will take the easy way out and do anything to get power. If he was happy to abandon all the promises he made to become Labour leader once he got the job, how can you know that he won't do exactly the same thing if he were to become Prime Minister? If you don't have the conviction to stick to anything you say, if you don't have the courage to tell people what you want to do, and if you don't have a plan, how can you possibly be trusted to lead our country, especially at this most uncertain of times? ** [[Rishi Sunak]] announcing the 2024 United Kingdom general election [https://news.sky.com/story/rishi-sunaks-full-speech-announcing-general-election-on-4-july-13141431 "Rishi Sunak's full speech announcing general election on 4 July"], ''Sky News'' (22 May 2024) * [[w:List of nicknames of prime ministers of the United Kingdom#Keir Starmer|Two-tier Keir]] ** A nickname given to Starmer in response to claims of two-tier policing, later popularised by X (Twitter) owner Elon Musk. Jessica Elgot and Rowena Mason, [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/article/2024/aug/06/elon-musk-calls-pm-two-tier-keir-over-police-response-to-uk-riots "Elon Musk calls PM ‘two-tier Keir’ over police response to UK riots"], ''The Guardian'' (7 August 2024) * Has Britain elected a bumbling nobody to the highest office in the land? Or does his dullness conceal a driving purpose? * The worst mistake of political conservatives in the western world has been to refuse to understand and examine the length, breadth, depth, and height of the post-1968 left in Europe and North America. If you do not know what you are fighting, you will never find out why you are fighting, or how you should fight it. By becoming dull, and by speaking in code, the revolution has overwhelmed those who would have fought it with all their might if it had appeared in the guise of the Bolsheviks or the Jacobins. ** Peter Hitchens, [https://www.theamericanconservative.com/the-disguise-of-dullness/ "The Disguise of Dullness"], ''The American Conservative'' (22 October 2024) ===2025=== *[H]e got into Leeds University where he was told by academics that if only the world was ruled by human rights, it would be just and peaceful and there'd be no war. So he really believes in all that. That was his formation. And then he becomes prime minister and has this terrible awareness that the world is not ruled by words and paper. There’s things like armies and war in Europe and [[Donald Trump]] got elected. This is all pretty shocking [to him]. **[[Maurice Glasman, Baron Glasman|Maurice Glasman]], quoted in Harry Lambert, '[https://harrytlambert.substack.com/p/ep-2-maurice-glasman EP #2: Maurice Glasman]', ''Substack'' (20 November 2025) ===2026=== *As Labour MPs wargame how to depose Sir Keir Starmer, some have a strategy from the [[Margaret Thatcher]] years in mind.<br>In 1990, the former Conservative Prime Minister was told her time was up by a delegation of “men in grey suits” from her party. Now, Labour MPs are discussing sending a deputation of women to tell Starmer to resign. **[[w:Kitty Donaldson|Kitty Donaldson]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/politics/labour-women-grey-suits-sent-tell-starmer-resign-4216005 "Labour 'women in grey suits' could be sent to tell Starmer to resign"], ''iNews'' (5 February 2026) * This is not [[Winston Churchill]] that we're dealing with. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62gwkjg0k9o "Trump says Starmer is 'no Winston Churchill' over Iran strikes"], ''BBC News'' (3 March 2026) * You have many great strengths that I admire. You led our party to a {{w|2024 United Kingdom general election|victory}} few thought possible in 2024 and I was proud to fight alongside you in the trenches of that campaign. You have shown courage and statesmanship on the world stage - not least in keeping Britain out of the war in Iran.{{Pb}}But where we need vision, we have a vacuum. Where we need direction, we have drift. This was underscored by your speech on Monday. Leaders take responsibility, but too often that has meant other people falling on their swords. You also need to listen to your colleagues, including backbenchers, and the heavy-handed approach to dissenting voices diminishes our politics. ** {{w|Wes Streeting}} resignation letter quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cwy21gpr1kzt "Andy Burnham to try to run for Parliament after Labour MP says he'll stand down for him"], ''BBC News'' (14 May 2026) * You know what defence needs. You made the argument for this powerfully in your speech at the Munich Security Conference back in February. Without a DIP that meets the moment in this way, I am being forced to make decisions that would reduce the readiness of our Forces and increase the risk to personnel on operations, and could make the country less safe.{{br}}After explaining to you that I would not be able to accept a DIP settlement that does not give our Forces the resources they need, I am now left with no other option than to submit my resignation as your Defence Secretary. ** {{w|John Healey|John Healey's}} resignation letter, quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cgjx64yl7z9o "Defence Secretary John Healey's resignation letter in full"], ''BBC News'' (11 June 2026) * Whilst he has been my political opponent, Sir Keir Starmer will shortly become our Prime Minister. In this job, his successes will be all our successes, and I wish him and his family well. Whatever our disagreements in this campaign, he is a decent, public-spirited man, who I respect. He and his family deserve the very best of our understanding, as they make the huge transition to their new lives behind this door, and as he grapples with this most demanding of jobs in an increasingly unstable world. ** Rishi Sunak (5 July 2024); from a speech in Downing Street shortly before tendering his resignation to [[Charles III]]. As cited in [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/i-will-resign-as-conservative-leader/ "Full text: I will resign as Conservative leader"], ''The Spectator'' (5 July 2024). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Wikisource author}} {{Commons category}} * {{official website|https://keirstarmer.com}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Starmer, Keir}} [[Category:1962 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Lawyers from England]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:Leaders of the Opposition (United Kingdom)]] [[Category:Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom]] be8dq05z8a6n22rjzwsln0l1xra9u12 0 227289 3955081 3953207 2026-06-21T15:52:30Z ~2026-31994-37 3332129 /* Mama New Job/Mighty Milton [1.2] */ 3955081 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons''': [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''. ==Season 1== ===''Trouble at School / Visit the Dentist'' [1.1]=== :''[first lines of the series, echoing the book the episode was based on]'' :'''Brother Bear''': When a problem at school is kept secret too long, it can grow until a cub thinks everything is wrong! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sister --after bringing Brother make-up math homework-- sees Brother still playing with his dinosaur collection.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': If you can hold a [[w:dinosaur|dinosaur]], you can hold a [[w:pencil|pencil]]! :''[Sister puts Brother's make-up work on his bed and angrily walks away. Echoing from the book, "While Brother was having fun at home, his fellow classmates --in Teacher Bob's class-- were hard at work. They learned addition, subtraction and multiplication. And now, they were learning about division". For multiplication and division, they first learned about their multiplication times tables through 9 --counting by 1's, 2's, 3's, 4's, 5's, 6's, 7's, 8's and 9's-- and now they were learning multiplication and division facts through 9. But Brother, he has not done any of his multiplication and division homework since Sister brought him it on Monday.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teacher Bob''': If you all take your seats, we can get started on the math test. Please remember to show me all your calculations on the margin. :''[The quiz is about division. It's about division facts --1 through 9. For multiplication, Brother's class learned multiplication facts through 9. Now on division, it was division facts through 9. In the book version, it says, "Then when Brother got back to school, Teacher Bob said to him and his class, 'I certainly hope you studied that math folder. Because we are going to have a quiz'. 'A quiz?', asked Brother. 'About what?'. 'About division of course', said Teacher Bob as he handed out the quiz packets".]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teacher Bob''': Goodbye! I'll see you tomorrow. :''[Even though most of the students did great, there was one "F" and that was Brother. Teacher Bob glares at Brother. Then it cuts to Brother. That is, who looks guilty after failing the division quiz. Brother may have gotten every single problem wrong or cheated with another student's test.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Uh oh! This can't be good! :'''Teacher Bob''': I'm afraid it isn't, Brother. :''[Teacher Bob then reveals the division quiz. There is a number "0" on the test. Teacher Bob wrote on the division quiz, '''VERY POOR! MUST BE SIGNED BY PARENT!'''. That is, and in other words, "Brother not only got every problem wrong or cheated. But he also got a great big '0'". In the book, and echoing from it, the actual page reads, "The quiz was a disaster! Not only did Brother get every problem wrong! But Teacher Bob wrote on the paper ''''VERY POOR! MUST BE SIGNED BY PARENT!''''".]'' :'''Brother Bear''': '''[[w:zero|ZERO]]??''' :''[After Brother says this, Teacher Bob is concerned. He asks if Brother studied for the division quiz. That is, as he asks Brother...!]'' :'''Teacher Bob''': Didn't you do the worksheets I sent home with Sister? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, I was pretty sick. ''[tries to talk in between coughs]'' It took a lot out of me of that flu bug. :'''Teacher Bob''': Hmm? :'''Brother Bear''': But I think I'm going to be okay now. And I can't wait to get those worksheets done! :'''Teacher Bob''': I'm glad to hear that. :'''Brother Bear''': Well... I guess I better catch the bus. :'''Teacher Bob''': Oh, one more thing. Please have your parents sign that test and bring it back to me tomorrow. :'''Brother Bear''': Yes, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother looks at his test which was about division.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Even the [[w:flu|flu]] doesn't feel this bad. :'''Mama Bear''': How was your day at school? :'''Brother Bear''': We had a math test today, and... :''[Sister starts coughing and sneezing.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': I don't feel very well, Mama. :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, dear. ''[Sister sneezes]'' :'''Papa Bear''' I don't like the sound of that. :'''Mama Bear''' You're running a temperature. :'''Sister Bear''': I think I caught Brother's cold. :'''Papa Bear''': Yes, that doesn't surprise me. ''[to Brother]'' And now, what were you saying, son? :'''Brother Bear''': Me? Oh, it was nothing really. Sister's more important right now. ''[to Sister]'' Here, Sister. Let me carry your stuff. :'''Sister Bear''': Thank you. :'''Papa Bear''': And I'll carry you. :'''Mama Bear''': I'll put on some chicken soup. :''[Mama and Papa are unaware that Brother cheated or didn't pass his division quiz. And now, they're trying to take care of Sister.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': '''I JUST WON'T GO TO SCHOOL, AND I WON'T GIVE MY TEST BACK TO THE TEACHER! NOT MY FAULT I WAS SICK!''' ''[takes his division quiz out of his backpack]'' '''PHOOEY ON SCHOOL! PHOOEY ON MATH! PHOOEY ON EVERYTHING!''' ''[folds his division quiz into a paper airplane and sails it out so neither him nor his family can see it and it lands near an old log.]'' Oh no! What am I supposed to do now? I can't go to school! And I can't go home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to Gramps and Gran's dining room. Brother is at their table having milk and chocolate chip cookies.]'' :'''Gran''': Dear me! This paper has more wrinkles than I do. :''[Gran flattens out the division quiz --which Brother had made into a paper airplane-- and rolls it out with her rolling pin. That is, to get the wrinkles out of the quiz.]'' :'''Gran''': Well? I guess that is about the best I can do. :'''Brother Bear''': It is way better than it did, ''[looks at the zero on his test.]'' but it still has a big fat zero on it. :''[By that saying of Brother, the division test looks better than it did. That is, but it still has a great big "0".]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mama and Papa look at the division quiz. And they find a great big "0" on it.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[shows the zero on his division test]'' I told you it was pretty bad. :'''Papa Bear''': Pretty bad? Can it get any worse than zero? :'''Gramps''': Well, it can get worse when you don't tell your parents and don't get on the [[w:school bus|school bus]]. :'''Brother Bear''': That's for sure. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' You should have come to us right away. :'''Brother Bear''': I know, I'm sorry. :'''Papa Bear''': At least you're coming to us now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cousin Freddy''': I had no idea so many gooey gums can fit into one bag. :'''Brother Bear''': Well, this way I'll have enough to last a while. :'''Cousin Freddy''': A while? You'll have enough to last until next year. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': I don't want Dr. Bearson to yank my tooth out with his big yankers! :'''Mama Bear''' Big yankers? Who told you that? ''[angrily galres at Papa. Papa nods his head no as he didn't tell Sister about the dentist pulling out her teeth with yankers. Then they all turn to Brother.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': I was only kidding. I didn't think she'd believe me. ''[chuckles]'' Sorry, Sister. :'''Mama Bear''': Dr. Bearson isn't going to yank out your tooth with yankers. ''[to Sister]'' Your tooth will fall out on its own. :'''Brother Bear''': I bet that's a relief. Huh, Sister? Well, I'm going over to Freddy's for a while. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[stops him]'' Not so fast! Sister's loose tooth doesn't explain why you didn't want any oatmeal chewies. :'''Papa Bear''' Yes, you usually eat two or three at a time. :'''Brother Bear''': I had a little [[w:toothache|toothache]], but it's feeling much... ''[his tooth starts to hurt.]'' better now. Ow! :'''Mama Bear''': How long have you had this toothache? :'''Brother Bear''': Since this morning when I was eating a gooey gum. :'''Mama Bear''': More gooey gums? :'''Papa Bear''': No wonder you have a toothache. They're so sweet that even your truly papa bear wouldn't eat one. :'''Mama Bear''': I better phone Dr. Bearson and make an appointment right away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': You'd better make sure you put your tooth under your pillow tonight. :'''Sister Bear''': Why? :'''Brother Bear''': Why? For the [[w:tooth fairy|tooth fairy]] of course. :'''Sister Bear''': No way! This is my first tooth! I'm keeping it! :''[Mama and Brother start laughing]'' ===''Mama New Job/Mighty Milton'' [1.2]=== :'''Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz''': ''[together, chanting, and chorusing a "teasing" comment about Milton]'' '''MILTON, MILTON!''' :'''WATCH HIM GO!''' :'''WATCH HIM DRIBBLE OFF HIS TOE!''' <hr width”50%”/> :''[After Too-Tall the bully. And his friends Smirk and Skuzz teased Brother in the classroom, school yard, and on the bus back home from school --which was the chant "Brother, Brother!/Teacher's Pet!/Now he is the principal's pet!", "Brother, Brother!/He's so good!/He does everything he should!", and "Brother, Brother!/He's so sweet!/The sweetest cub you ever met!"-- Brother befriended a new cub named Massive Milton. And after Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz teased Milton, Too-Tall teases Brother again and he --Too-Tall-- says...!)''' :'''Too-Tall''': ''[to Brother]'' '''WELL?! LA-DI-DAH! BROTHER BEAR --THE PRINCIPAL'S PET-- IS STICKING UP FOR MASSIVE MILTON!''' :''[This line --said by Too-Tall-- was also from the "Too Much Teasing" book.]'' <hr width”50%”/> :'''Woman 1''': These [[w:quilt|quilts]] will look fabulous on my cub's bed. How much are you asking for them? :'''Woman 2''' Excuse me! But I think I saw them first! :'''Sister Bear''': '''NO! (YOU CAN'T BUY THESE QUILTS!) MAMA MADE THOSE FOR US!''' ''[Sister and Brother both hug the quilts]'' :'''Mama Bear''': I'm sorry. But these quilts aren't for sale. I'm just airing them out. <hr width”50%”/> :'''Mama Bear''': I've got a job! I'm going to start my own quilt-making business! :'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Huh?? ===''Go To School / The Week at Grandma's'' [1.3]=== :'''Sister Bear''': What's this? :'''Brother Bear''': Things we studied in mathematics. That's long division. It looks a lot harder than it is. It's nothing to worry about. :'''Sister Bear''': Nothing to worry about? It's just like Too-Tall said! It's too hard! :'''Mama Bear''': Oh dear, you've worked yourself into a tizzy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Do you know what a [[w:synonym|synonym]] is? :''[Sister mistakenly believes Brother and says "cinnamon"]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Uh-huh. It's my favorite spice. Like synonym [[w:toast|toast]] and synonym [[w:bun|buns]]... :'''Brother Bear''': ''[laughs]'' No, that's"[[w:cinnamon|cinnamon]]". I said "synonym". It's word that's spelled differently, but it means the same thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Too busy? :'''Sister Bear''': I promised Brother I'd make a [[w:picture|picture]]. :'''Brother Bear''': You can make me a picture at kindergarten, Sister. They've got lots of [[w:paint|paint]], [[w:crayon|crayons]] and every [[w:color|color]] you can think of. :'''Sister Bear''': But I want to hear my [[w:storybook|storybooks]]! :'''Mama Bear''': They have lots of books at kindergarten, too. With stories you haven't heard before. :'''Sister Bear''': I was going to build something with my [[w:building blocks|blocks]]. :'''Papa Bear''': They have enough blocks to build a [[w:castle|castle]] at kindergarten. That was one of Brother's things about school. :'''Brother Bear''': There's a tub of blocks bigger than you. :'''Mama Bear''': What do you say, Sister? Can you give kindergarten a try? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': And so, you went with Brother on the [[w:bus|bus]] for your first day of school. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Is it all right if I sit here? :'''Lizzy''': Uh-huh! :''[When they get to school]'' :'''Miss Honey Bear''': Welcome to Bear Country School. My name is Miss Honey Bear, and I'm your new kindergarten teacher! Would you like to come inside and meet your new classmates? :''[When it's time for recess, all the cubs go out to play. Mama Bear comes to school to see how Sister is doing. The cubs who are heading out to recess bump into Mama.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[realizes]'' Mama, why are you here? :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, I just thought I would stop by to see how you were doing. :'''Sister Bear''': I'm having fun! Brother was right, they do have lots of paint colors, more than a hundred! :'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Is that right? :'''Sister Bear''': And they do have a big tub of blocks, just like Papa said. Lizzy and I built a giant castle! :'''Mama Bear''': Lizzy? :'''Sister Bear''': Uh-huh, she's my new friend. :'''Lizzy''': New best friend. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[shakes hands with Lizzy]'' Pleased to meet you, Lizzy. :'''Lizzy''': Hi, we're having [[w:recess|recess]]! :'''Mama Bear''': And what do you do at recess? :'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Lizzy]'' Do you know? :'''Lizzy''': This is my first one! :'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' I'll help you get started! Come on over to the [[w:swing|swings]] and I'll push you. :'''Sister Bear''': Okay! :'''Lizzy''': That's a good idea! :''[The flashback ends]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Huh? :'''Sister Bear''': [[w:suitcase|Suitcases]]? :'''Mama Bear''': So our reservations for Grizzly Mountain Lodge are all set? Thank you so much, see you soon. :'''Brother Bear''': Reservations? :'''Cubs''': We're going on vacation! :'''Mama Bear''': Well, actually, it's a second [[w:honeymoon|honeymoon]]. :'''Brother Bear''': Still sounds like fun. :'''Sister Bear''': Mmmm! Especially the [[w:honey|honey]] part. :'''Papa Bear''': I haven't seen these in ages. I wonder if my serve is still... ''[falls to the ground]'' Ow! :'''Brother Bear''': Papa, are you okay? :'''Sister Bear''': Maybe you should just let Brother and me play [[w:tennis|tennis]] on the honeymoon. :'''Brother Bear''': You and Mama can keep score. :'''Mama Bear''': Sorry, sweeties, but honeymoons aren't for cubs. Honeymoons are special trips that couples go on after they get married. It's an old tradition. :'''Papa Bear''': Grizzly Mountain Lodge is where Mama and I went on our first honeymoon. :'''Brother Bear''': But what about us? :'''Mama Bear''': Well, you're going on a special trip of your own. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[gasps]'' Is it Grizzly World? :'''Sister Bear''': Is it Honeycomb [[w:amusement park|Amusement Park]]? :'''Mama Bear''': You're going to Grandma's. :'''Cubs''': ''[shocked]'' Gran's? :'''Brother Bear''': That should do it. [[w:board games|Board games]], [[w:book|books]], my [[w:yo-yo|yo-yo]]. I wonder if I should bring my chemistry set. :'''Sister Bear''': I'm bringing [[w:puzzle|puzzles]], [[w:coloring book|coloring books]] and [[w:teddy bear|teddy bear]]. :'''Papa Bear''': Beep beep. Coming through! Hey, what's all this doing out here? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, we are going to Gran's for a whole week. We need to keep busy. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, now. You always have fun at Gran's house without all this stuff! :'''Brother Bear''': When we go for one afternoon, maybe. ''[whispers to Mama Bear]'' and Gran and Gramps are old. :'''Sister Bear''': Maybe they'll want to take naps all day. :''[Papa closes the trunk of the car]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Papa, what about our [[w:toy|toys]]? :'''Papa Bear''': You won't need all those. You're going to have too much fun with Gran and Gramps. I wonder if the [[w:lodge|lodge]] still has [[w:canoe|canoe]] rides on the [[w:lake|lake]]. :'''Mama Bear''': And [[w:live music|live music]] in the dance hall. <hr width"50"%=> :'''Brother Bear''': Now for my favorite part of lunch. [[w:dessert|Dessert]]. :'''Sister Bear''': Oh no! Gran forgot the honey for the honey buns! :'''Gramps''': No, she didn't. Gran makes the buns, And I make the honey, with some help of course. :'''Brother Bear''': Watch it, Gramps! They'll sting you! :'''Gramps''': I do this all the time. First, you smoke the [[w:bee|bees]] out to calm them down, then you gently pry the hive open, loosen up a frame and pull out the honeycomb. ===''The Trouble With Pets / The Sitter'' [1.4]=== :'''Brother Bear''': Are you thinking what I'm thinking? :'''Sister Bear''': A [[w:horse|horse]]? :''[Brother and Sister gallop likes horses]'' :'''Brother Bear''': We can ride it to school! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[slows them down]'' Whoa! Nobody said anything about a horse. :'''Mama Bear''': A horse would need a fenced corral with lots of room to run. Our yard's just too small. :'''Papa Bear''': And do you know how much a horse eats? More oats than I can afford! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': I want a pet that's warm and cuddly. :'''Brother Bear''': If you want something warm and cuddly, you should just get your old blanket. :'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you want a pet that's cold and slimy, you should get some slime! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[walking to them]'' What's all the commotion about? :'''Brother Bear''': ''[waking to Papa and Sister]'' None of the pets that Sister wants are any fun! :'''Sister Bear''': All the pets that Brother wants are too weird! :'''Brother Bear''': They are not! :'''Sister Bear''': '''ARE TOO!''' :'''Papa Bear''': Now settle down. We'll go to the [[w:pet store|pet store]]. Maybe they'll have something you can both agree on. :'''Brother Bear''': The pet store? Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene dissolves to Mama Papa Sister and Brother in the family car on the way to the pet store]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Now remember, cubs... :'''Cubs''': We know. :'''Brother Bear''': Nothing that eats bugs. :'''Sister Bear''': ''[laughs]'' Or smells bad. :'''Brother Bear''': Hey! ''[sees Farmer Ben running around.]'' What's Farmer Ben doing? :'''Papa Bear''': It looks like his [[w:chicken|chickens]] are on the loose. Let's give him a hand. :''[Papa parks the car so they can see what Farmer Ben is doing]'' :'''Farmer Ben''': Come back here! Uh... Heal! Oh boy. Sit! :'''Brother Bear''': Heal? :'''Sister Bear''': Sit? :'''Papa Bear''': Farmer Ben must be trying to train his chickens. :''[A litter of puppies race towards Brother and Sister]'' :'''Brother Bear''': [[w:puppy|Puppies]]! :'''Sister Bear''': Aw! They're so cute! :'''Farmer Ben''': These pups are getting to be quite a handful. I'm going to have to put an ad on the paper to see if I can find them good homes. :'''Brother Bear''': Can we have one? Please? :'''Papa Bear''': I don't know. :'''Mama Bear''': We'll think about it. :'''Sister Bear''': What do we have to think about? :'''Papa Bear''': Well, for one thing, there are the vet bills to consider. :'''Mama Bear''': Not to mention dog tags and licenses. All of that costs money. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[hands Mama the puppy]'' We can save up our allowance money to help pay for it. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[the puppy licks Mama]'' Oh my. It is kind of cute. :'''Papa Bear''': We'll take it. :'''Sister Bear''': Yay! We're getting a puppy! :'''Brother Bear''': Let's call him Prince. :'''Farmer Ben''': ''[chuckles]'' That's a fine name for a boy dog, but I'm afraid the one you're holding is a little lady. :'''Sister Bear''': Maybe that's what we should call her, Little Lady. :'''Brother Bear''': Wait until you see your new home! You're really going to like it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': What are you doing here? :'''Brother Bear''': What ''am'' I doing here? What are ''you'' doing here? You're supposed to be looking after Lady. :'''Sister Bear''': No I'm not! I won the [[w:coin toss|coin toss]], remember? :'''Brother Bear''': That was for cleaning up her accident. :'''Sister Bear''': It was for cleaning up her accident and looking after her! :'''Brother Bear''': No it wasn't. :'''Sister Bear''': Yes it was! :'''Brother Bear''': Well, if we aren't looking after her, who is? :''[Little Lady has made a mess in the living room. She's pulling one of her toys from underneath a flower vase. The cubs run home and say...!]'' :'''Sister Bear''': No, Lady! :'''Brother Bear''': Stop! :''[The flower vase falls on the ground and breaks. The cubs look at the mess Little Lady made.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': This isn't good! :''[Mama and Papa return home]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Hello! :'''Papa Bear''': Hi! :''[Mama and Papa also look at the mess Little Lady made.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, the [[w:sofa|sofa]]! :'''Papa Bear''': My [[w:chair|chair]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to outside where it's raining outside. Little Lady is sent to her doghouse as punishment for wrecking the living room.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Maybe we should have asked for a [[w:goldfish|goldfish]] instead. At least we wouldn't have gotten it into so much trouble. :'''Sister Bear''': It's not fair to Little Lady. We should be the ones out in the doghouse. :''[Mama and Papa are in the kitchen. Papa is fixing the broken flower vase, and Mama is sewing up a ripped pillow.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': This [[w:vase|vase]] is in more pieces than a [[w:jigsaw puzzle|jigsaw puzzle]]. :'''Mama Bear''': What could have gotten Little Lady into doing such a thing? :'''Brother Bear''': We know what got into her. :'''Mama Bear''': What do you mean? :'''Brother Bear''': We weren't exactly looking after her when she got into trouble. :'''Papa Bear''': You weren't looking after her? :'''Sister Bear''': She didn't get outside for any exercise all afternoon. Not even a walk. :'''Brother Bear''': That's why she wrecked the living room. She was just trying to have some fun. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Looking after a puppy is a round-the-clock job. :'''Papa Bear''': It isn't something you can just put off until later when it's more convenient. :'''Brother Bear''': We're sorry :'''Sister Bear''': I guess we aren't very good puppy owners. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Maybe you can make it up to her. :'''Mama Bear''': How about giving her a snack when you bring her back in. :'''Sister Bear''': We can bring her back in the house? :'''Brother Bear''': You mean it? :'''Mama Bear''': After hearing what really happened, I think she deserves another chance. :'''Brother Bear''': Come on, Sister! Let's go tell her the good news! ===''Too Much TV / Trick or Treat'' [1.5]=== :'''Papa Bear''': What's this? A lovely lady dining alone? May I join you for lunch, Mrs. Bear? :'''Mama Bear''': Be my guest. ''[Papa kisses her]'' The cubs aren't interested. :'''Papa Bear''': Oh? Where are they? :'''Mama Bear''': Eating in front of that television. It used to be a treat, but now they do it every day. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Give it to me! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' No way! It's my turn to choose! :''[The scene cuts to the cubs in the living room, and they're fighting about what TV shows they should watch.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': '''WE'RE NOT WATCHING "BEAR WRESTLING"!''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''THERE'S NO WAY I'M WATCHING "LITTLE TREEHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE"!''' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' '''OKAY, THAT'S IT!''' :''[Brother and Sister jump from their fighting, drop the TV remote and the TV remote flies out of their hands.]'' :'''Cubs''': ''[screaming]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[catches the TV remote]'' '''NO MORE TV FOR A WEEK!''' :''[Mama turns off the TV with the remote.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': What? :'''Sister Bear''': But, Mama! :'''Mama Bear''': No, sir! I mean it. :'''Sister Bear''': Papa, Mama told us we can't watch TV for a whole week! :'''Papa Bear''': Your Mama's got a point. You two cubs have been watching far too much television lately. Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to catch some of the hockey playoffs. ''[Mama takes the TV remote from Papa.]'' Huh? :'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa]'' You too, Papa! ''[then to the rest of her family]'' For once, the whole family is going to be TV-free! :'''Papa Bear''': Oh...! :'''Brother Bear''': Oh...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees a wrestling show while in his workshop]'' Oh! I didn't see that coming! :'''Mama Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' And you didn't see me coming! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': I think we should end the TV-ban on account of bad weather. :'''Mama Bear''': Rain or no rain. No TV for a week means no TV for a week. :'''Brother Bear''': What are we supposed to do for fun? :'''Mama Bear''': How about cracking open a good book? :'''Brother Bear''': Okay. ''[grabs a television guide]'' :'''Mama Bear''': That's the television guide. :'''Brother Bear''': But it's still reading. ''[looks at the television guide]'' Oh, guess what movie is on TV tonight! :'''Sister Bear''': What? :'''Brother Bear''': Honey, I shrunk the cubs! :'''Sister Bear''': That's a classic! ''[to Mama]'' Mama, you have to let us watch that! :'''Mama Bear''': I'm sorry, Brother and Sister, but the only way to break the "TV-watching-habit" is to keep the TV off. :'''Cubs''': Aw! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': We'll go here, and here. :'''Sister Bear''': Don't forget this house. They always give out Crispy Squares. :'''Brother Bear''': Mm-mmm, love those Crispy Squares. :'''Mama Bear''': What are you cubs up to? :'''Brother Bear''': It's a trick-or-treat map. :'''Sister Bear''': We're figuring out which houses to visit tonight. :'''Brother Bear''': We're going to Farmer Ben's house and then Mrs. Grizzle's; she usually makes special Halloween cookies. :'''Sister Bear''': And then Teacher Jane's. She gives out good stuff. :'''Brother Bear''': And we'll go to Dr. Grizzly's house, even though she gives out healthy snacks. :'''Sister Bear''': Just to be polite. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Sister Bear''': And then Gramps and Gran. They always have lots of candy for us. :'''Mama Bear''': Hmm, it looks like you missed Widder Jones' house. :'''Brother Bear''': Oh, we did that on purpose. :'''Mama Bear''': You did? Why? :'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Mama; talking about Widder Jones]'' Because she's a witch! :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, nonsense! She's very sweet and kindhearted. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[confused]'' Mama, I'm talking about the Widder Jones who lives on Crooked Lane. That Widder Jones. :'''Mama Bear''': Yes, I know who you mean. We take a quilting class together. She's very friendly and helpful. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[whispering to Sister Bear]'' Until she turns you into a statue. :'''Mama Bear''': In fact, I saw her at the market today. She's preparing a very special treat for all the trick-or-treaters. And when you get home, I want to hear that you've paid Widder Jones a visit. Remember not to judge someone by their appearance. :'''Sister Bear''': So are we going there? :'''Brother Bear''': I guess so. You knock, and I'll wait by the road. :'''Sister Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' No way! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skuzz''': We're going to put the trick back in Trick or Treating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Mama wouldn't be friends with a witch now, would she? :'''Brother Bear''': Hmm, I suppose you're right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': It’s Too Tall and his boys! They’re not here for the Treats, just the tricks! :'''Widder Jones''': I understand perfectly! And I am more than happy to oblige. Watch this! :''[Widder Jones pulls a rope, Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz pop out of a bush and Vampire bats swarm them.]'' :'''Too Tall''': Watch out! Vampire bats! They’re after us! :'''Smirk''': Aah! Get away! :'''Skuzz''': Aah! They’re gonna get us! :'''All''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Wow! That’ll teach them! :'''Lizzy''': But, they’re still coming back! :'''Widder Jones''': Maybe they wants some more tricks! :''[Widder Jones pulls another rope, Too-Tall and his gang pop out from behind a tree, as ghosts appear.]'' :'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': Ghosts! ''[screaming]''. :'''All''': ''[Laughing]''. :'''Widder Jones''': So, Brother. How would you like to play the final trick! :'''Brother Bear''': Okay. :'''Widder Jones''': Just turn this on and watch the fun! :'''Brother''': 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! ''[Flicks a switch]'' :'''Skuzz''': This isn't much fun as I thought it would be! :''[Suddenly, skeletons appear out of nowhere.]'' :'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[screaming]''. :'''Too-Tall''': Let’s get out of here! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES. Let's go home. Mommy Daddy? :'''All''': ''[laughing]''. ===''The Trouble With Money / The Double Dare'' [1.6]=== :'''Mama Bear''': Sometimes when people are so busy working hard, they can forget about other important things in their lives. :'''Papa Bear''': Even mamas and papas forget about very important things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': I guess I've been too busy. :'''Cousin Fred''': That's a surprise! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Brother, Brother! :'''Brother Bear''': What's the matter, Sister? :'''Sister Bear''': Too-Tall and his gang, took my [[w:jump rope|jump rope]]! I tried to get it back. But they wouldn't give it to me! :'''Brother Bear''': '''THREE AGAINST ONE! AND YOU'RE HALF THEIR SIZE! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!''' :'''Sister Bear''': You think you can get it back for me? :''[Brother --angrily-- runs off to the park to find the too-tall the bully. And two friends Smirk and Skuzz.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[about the bully]'' '''JUST TRY AND STOP ME! (AND THEY BETTER GIVE IT BACK OR ELSE!)''' :''[He goes off --snarling to himself-- after saying this. And he threatens that he's going to let Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz have it if they don't give Sister back her jump rope. In fact, he thinks about letting Too-Tall the bully. And-his two friends Smirk and Skuzz-- have it right now.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Too-Tall the bully. And his two friends Smirk and Skuzz had stolen Sister's jump rope-- is jumping with Sister's jump rope. That is, until Brother showed up.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': Tell you what, Brother! You want it back? Come and get it! :'''Brother Bear''': All right! I'll do that! :''[Brother attempts to cross the log bridge over a stream.]'' :'''Skuzz''': ''[to Brother about his attempts to cross the log bridge over the stream]'' '''ONE FALSE MOVE AND YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A CHILLY SWIM!''' :''[As Skuzz says this, he says it as if to mean he wouldn't care if Brother had a "chilly swim", caught a cold from it, and got called out sick so he wouldn't have to go to school. All he does care is that he knows Brother might not make it across the log bridge to retrieve Sister's jump rope from Too-Tall.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': Look, guys! I think he's chicken! :''[Smirk and Skuzz imitate chickens.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': I AM NOT CHICKEN! :'''Too-Tall''': Then we dare you to cross! :'''Brother Bear''': You're on! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to Brother, Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz at a field of sheep.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': Get ready, Brother. We're going to take a little shortcut across this field. :'''Brother Bear''': What's so fun about that? :''[Too-Tall Smirk and Skuzz laugh.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': There's a [[w:ram|ram]] in the flock with a bad temper. :'''Smirk''': With fast legs. :'''Skuzz''': And big horns. :'''Smirk''': They don't call him Bruiser for nothing. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Maybe I'll take the long way around. :'''Too-Tall''': That's the chicken route. :''[Smirk and Skuzz imitate chickens.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': I told you. I'm not chicken! :'''Too-Tall''': Then we dare you to take the shortcut! :'''Brother Bear''': Alright! I'll go! :'''Too-Tall''': That's what we like to hear! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Farmer Ben --unnoticed at first-- uses himself like a scarecrow. Brother Bear and the big cubs --Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz-- think he's a scarecrow --and that there's a real scarecrow in the watermelon patch-- in the spite of that. That is, although they fail to notice him. He uses himself as a scarecrow --having his eyes shut, arms spread out, feet together, and his face like a scarecrow's face-- in the middle of the watermelon patch. That is, as if there really is a scarecrow in his patch. So Farmer Ben --striking the pose-- pretends to be a scarecrow. Brother --after picking out the biggest and greenest skinned watermelon-- gets the melon off the vine, breaks the stem off of it, and picks it up. But when he picks up the melon, Farmer Ben moves a little by smiling. Then he opens his eyes, makes his mouth into an "O" shape, and --offscreen-- undoes his scarecrow pose. Then he --as if returning back to his normal self-- runs up to Brother and catches him.]'' :'''Farmer Ben''': '''GOTCHA!''' :''[Brother Bear tries to run away --only to be tightly grabbed by Farmer Ben.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': '''HELP! LET ME GO!''' :''[The scene cuts to Too-Tall the bully. And his two friends --Smirk and Skuzz. When they see that Brother is caught by Farmer Ben, they run away.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': '''RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!''' :''[Too-Tall and his friends run away screaming. Farmer Ben does not notice Too-Tall the bully. And his friends --Smirk and Skuzz-- but he talks to Brother about the dee-double dare incident. And he --Farmer Ben-- is unaware that Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz are invading his melon patch again.]'' :'''Farmer Ben''': '''BROTHER BEAR! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING STEALING [[w:watermelon|WATERMELONS]] WITH TOO-TALL AND HIS NO GOOD GANG?!''' :''[As Farmer Ben says this, he wants to know what in the Earth Brother Bear --stealing Too-Tall-- is doing with that watermelon.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': First they dared me, then they double dared me, '''AND FINALLY, THEY DEE DOUBLE DARED ME!''' :'''Farmer Ben''': That dee double dare is so hard to resist. :'''Brother Bear''': I wanted to walk away. But then they called me chicken! I'm sorry, Farmer Ben. :'''Farmer Ben''': Well, it's okay, Brother. It's not your fault. I'm not going to call in and tell your parents about this one watermelon stealing mistake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother comes back to Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz with a watermelon slice that Farmer Ben gave him.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': Brother?! You got away with it! And you got the watermelon. :'''Skuzz''': Way to go. :'''Smirk''': You're the man! :'''Too-Tall''': Come on, we're going to have more fun at the Widder Jones' house. :'''Brother Bear''': No way. :'''Too-Tall''': ''[as he and his gang stops walking]'' Oh, really? well, I dare you to come with us. :'''Brother Bear''': Not this time. :'''Too-Tall''': Okay, then, I double dare you. :'''Brother Bear''': Nope. Not interested. :'''Too-Tall''': What the matter? Chicken? :''[Smirk and Skuzz imitate chickens.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': I'm not [[w:chicken|chicken]], and I'm not a [[w:sheep|sheep]] either. :'''Too-Tall''': Okay Brother...! '''I DEE DOUBLE DARE YOU TO COME WITH US TO THE WIDDER JONES'S HOUSE!''' :'''Brother Bear''': That stuff may have worked before, but it won't now! :''[But Brother --considering the consequences if he goes-- says "No". That is, after he says this. In the spite of that, he heads back to the house.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': See you later. I'm going home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Farmer Ben''': ''[To the trios Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz]'' '''TOO-TALL!''' :''[Farmer Ben, he approaches the gang.]'' :'''Farmer Ben''': ''[continues]'' '''IF I CATCH YOU OR ANY OF YOUR GANG IN MY WATERMELON PATCH AGAIN, YOUR PARENTS ARE GOING TO HEAR FROM ME! NOW GET ON HOME!''' :'''Smirk''': ''[stammers heavily]'' We're sorry, Farmer Ben. :'''Skuzz''': ''[also stammering heavily]'' Thank you, Farmer Ben. It'll never happen again. :'''Too-Tall''': Please don't tell our parents! :'''Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz''': ''[All screaming]'' MOMMY DADDY? :'''Farmer Ben''': ''[chuckles]'' Those cubs make my chickens look tough. :''[In the book adaptation, it was Two-Ton Grizzly --Too-Tall's papa-- who saved Brother. The narration of the page reads, "He looked like Too-Tall. But he was much, much, much bigger. It was Too-Tall's papa Two-Ton Grizzly. 'Wha, wha, what is up, Pop?', asked Too-Tall. 'What is up', growled Two-Ton, 'it was a little phone call that I had from Farmer Ben about you!'. 'And', he added as he turned to the gang, 'if I hear about any more shenanigans, all of your parents are going to hear from me! Now get on home!'". But in the cartoon, Farmer Ben saved Brother. And he was the one who talked to Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz about the dee-double dare incident. However, in both adaptations, the "warning" phrase was the same --Two-Ton in the book/Farmer Ben in the cartoon-- which was, "...all of your parents are going to hear from me!". In this version --the book-- Farmer Ben said, "TOO-TALL, SMIRK, AND SKUZZ! IF I EVER CATCH YOU IN MY WATERMELON PATCH AGAIN, ALL OF YOUR PARENTS ARE GOING TO HEAR FROM ME! NOW GET ON HOME!".) ===''Out For The Team / Count Their Blessings'' [1.7]=== :'''Lenny''': Wouldn't it be funny if Sister made the team and you didn't? :''[Brother falls into a pond. Sister Lenny and Lizzy rush over to him]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Are you okay, Brother? :'''Brother Bear''': Yes. :'''Lenny''': Smooth move, Brother! :'''Brother Bear''': I won't have to worry about [[w:pond|ponds]], [[w:chicken|chickens]], and baseball-eating [[w:goat|goats]] when I make the [[w:cardinal|Cardinals]]! :'''Lenny''': You mean ''if'' you make the Cardinals. <hr width= "50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Why did Sister sign up for baseball tryouts anyway? Why couldn't she be good at something else? Baseball's my game, not hers. :'''Sister Bear''': Hey! I thought you couldn't lift your arm! :'''Brother Bear''': Huh? Oh no. It's my left arm that hurts. :'''Sister Bear''': No, it isn't. :'''Brother Bear''': Yes, it is. I should know it's my arm. :'''Sister Bear''': I'm going to ask Mama. She'll remember. :'''Brother Bear''': Wait, wait. ''[sighs]'' Okay, I was faking. :'''Sister Bear''': You were? Why? :'''Brother Bear''': If you really want to know, it's because i'm afraid you're going to make the team and not me. :'''Sister Bear''': Do you really think I'm that good? :'''Brother Bear''': You really improved this season. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': Well, Mama. It feels good to have raised two star athletes! :'''Mama Bear''': It sure does, Papa. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': I know what I'm going to have to listen to when Sister gets home: "Gee, Mama, Lizzie has so many Bearbie dolls. She even has Cruise Ship Bearbie with outfits. Why can't I have more Bearbies than one? And that's just Lizzie." :'''Papa Bear''': Hmm, talking to yourself, huh? Certainly not a very good sign. You're being silly. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighs]'' You're right. I am being silly. But Sister is playing Bearbies with Lizzy again and I know exactly what's going to happen when she gets home. :'''Papa Bear''': Oh, what's that? :'''Mama Bear''': It's the same every time. She complains she doesn't have all the things her friends have. With Lizzie, it's Bearbies. With Anna, it's a phone in her bedroom. And Queenie has a TV and a phone in her room. :'''Papa Bear''': Hey, I don't even have a TV in my room! Hmm. But Sister does have a Bearbie and a whole lot of things her friends don't have. :'''Mama Bear''': I know, but she just thinks about what she doesn't have. :'''Papa Bear''': And I suppose it won't be as much different with Brother when he gets home from Cousin Fred's. :'''Mama Bear''': We'll hear all about the video games Freddy has. :'''Papa Bear''': Right, but he won't talk about the soccer ball or action figures he does have. :'''Mama Bear''': Never mind the large pile of comic books up in his room. :'''Papa Bear''': Nope, he won't mention those at all. :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, you missed a spot. :'''Papa Bear''': Hey! How did I end up with this job? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': Cubs... Cubs... Cubs! :'''Mama Bear''': Listen to yourselves. All you can do is complain about what you don't have. :'''Papa Bear''': What about being thankful for all the things you do have? :'''Cubs''': Huh? :'''Mama Bear''': It's called counting your blessings. :'''Sister Bear''': Blessings? :'''Brother Bear''': Like what? ===''The Slumber Party / The Homework Hassle'' [1.8]=== :'''Queenie''': Did I hear you say you're having a [[w:slumber party|slumber party]]? Can I come? :'''Lizzy''': Sure you can come. What's one more? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sister arrives to Lizzy's house for her slumber party and rings the doorbell. Lizzy opens the door with a teenage bear named Cindy.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Hi, Lizzy! I... ''[looks at the Cindy]'' Who are you? :'''Lizzy''': Hi, Sister. ''[introducing Cindy]'' This is Cindy. :'''Cindy''': Hello. :'''Sister Bear''': Did you invite her too? :'''Lizzy''': No. My mama and papa have gone out tonight. So Cindy is babysitting. :'''Sister Bear''': ''[gasps]'' Does that mean there's no slumber party?? :'''Cindy''': Mr. and Mrs. Bruin said a slumber party will be okay since it's only a few girls, and I thought it would be fun. We used to have sleepovers all the time when I was a cub. There used to be a lot more giggling than sleeping. :''[The doorbell rings]'' :'''Lizzy''': Hi, Stacey. Hi, Karen. :'''Stacey''': Hello, Lizzy. :'''Cindy''': Stacey? Karen? I thought you it was Anna and Millie who were coming. :'''Lizzy''': Anna and Millie. :'''Sister Bear''': And Stacey and Karen. :''[The doorbell rings again]'' :'''Queenie''': Hi, I'm Queenie. :'''Cindy''': How many girls did you invite? :''[The scene cuts to the living room where the cubs are hanging out]'' :'''Linda''': Tag, Gwen! You're it! :''[Linda and Gwen are playing tag, and they bump onto a stool with a picture frame and a clock. They almost fall, but Cindy catches them.]'' :'''Cindy''': Please no running in the house! :'''Lizzy''': [[w:popcorn|Popcorn's]] ready! :'''Queenie''': Hmm, pretty good! Have some! :''[Queenie starts throwing popcorn at Lizzy and Lizzy throws the popcorn back]'' :'''Lizzy''': Have some more, Queenie! :'''Sister Bear''': I don't think you should throw that anymore. :''[Lizzy and Queenie throw popcorn at Sister and they start a popcorn fight.]'' :'''Cindy''': No throwing! :''[The cubs are having a pillow fight and Millie accidentally knocks over Sister.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Hey! No fair! :''[The cubs look shocked about what happened. Sister smiles regardless and joins in the pillow fight.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Take that! :'''Cindy''': Please don't hit each other! I know it's in fun, but it is not very.... :''[Sister hits Millie with her pillow must be ripped and Queenie opens a soda aluminum can and it fizzies.]'' :'''Queenie''': Uh-oh! :'''Stacey''': Don't just let it fizz, Queenie! :''[Queenie sprays the soda on Stacey.]'' :'''Queenie''': Whoa! :'''Stacey''': Hey! Stop it! :''[Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz burst in]'' :'''Too-Tall''': It looks like we arrived just in time! The party's just getting started! :''[The cubs start jumping on the couch, Since Sister realizes it looks so much fun, she decides to join in.]'' :'''Smirk''': I love a parade! :'''Cindy''': Can you please turn the music down? :'''Too-Tall''': I can't hear you! The music's too loud! :'''Cindy''': That's what I mean! Turn it down! :'''Too-Tall''': What? :'''Cindy''': ''[grunts in frustration.]'' '''QUIET!''' :''[Mr. and Mrs. Bruin arrived home. They're were terrified to find out the mess that Too-Tall, Smirk, Skuzz and the girls made. Then they glare at the Sister, Lizzy, the other girls, and --the bullies-- Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz. Sister and Lizzy guiltily shrug. The scene cuts to outside at nighttime. The sleepover was cancelled, Mr. and Mrs. Bruin called the cub's parents offscreen, Lizzy was sent to bed, and Mama Bear came to take Sister home. The mothers of Sister, the other girls, and --the bullies-- Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz --who attended the sleepover at Lizzy's house-- they scowl at them. That is, as the viewer sees the mothers scowling at them when they pick them up. Echoing from the book, the book version says, "Well, things calmed down pretty quickly after that. The party was cancelled, parents were called, Lizzy was sent to bed - and an angry and disappointed Mama Bear came to take Sister home". As they walk home from Lizzy's house and into the night...!]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[scolds Sister]'' Sister, I am so angry and disappointed. :''[The scene cuts to the treehouse as Mama leads Sister into the treehouse.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[continues]'' You are grounded, young lady. One day in your room and one full week in the house. :''[After Mama leads Sister inside, Sister sadly walks upstairs to her room. Echoing from the book, Sister was doubly grounded. That is, meaning that she was in her room for one day and in the house for one full week. In the book version, it says, "Sister was grounded and sent to bed - doubly grounded, which meant she had to stay in her room for a day and in the house for a week.".]'' :'''Papa Bear''': That bad, huh? :'''Mama Bear''': You should've seen the place! Popcorn stuck to everything, [[w:juice|juice]] spills all over the [[w:carpet|carpet]], [[w:furniture|furniture]] knocked this way and that! It was an absolute disgrace! Everything I said about privilege and responsibility! In one year and out the other! :'''Papa Bear''': Sister does have to share the blame. But it sounds like there were quite a few at this slumber party. Hmm, maybe it was one of those situations where one thing led to another and things got out of control. I’m sure it wouldn't have gotten out of hand if the Bruins had been home. :'''Mama Bear''': If we knew they were going out, we could’ve suggested that Sister attended a sleepover some other time or that the girls had the sleepover here. :'''Papa Bear''': Hmm, but we didn’t. It was our responsibility to call them. And part of the responsibility that comes with the privilege of having cubs. :'''Mama Bear''': So ''we’re'' partially to blame. :'''Papa Bear''': I guess both privilege and responsibility go for parents as well as for cubs. :'''Sister Bear''': ''[out of her room]'' Mama? I know you're really mad. And I know that what I did was wrong. But that's why I need to be not grounded, or maybe just for a little while tomorrow? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The girls make it up by cleaning the living room. Sister, Lizzy, and the other girls make it up. As for Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz, they were grounded by their parents. And they were forced to stay in their rooms for one day and in their treehouses until next Monday. They could only leave their houses to go to school and see their friends during school hours. Sister still makes up for it. In the meantime, Mr. and Mrs. Bruin call Sister and the other girls's parents for a clean-up after they caused the vandalism in their living room from the sleepover. Now the scene cuts to Sister, Lizzy and the other girls who are cleaning up Mr. and Mrs. Bruin's vandalized living room. Sister still makes up for it, even though she was still grounded in the house for the remainder of the week. That is, as well as Lizzy, the other girls, and Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz. Sister, she manages to help Lizzy and the other girls clean up. That is, despite the fact she was still grounded for the remainder of the week.]'' :'''Queenie''': This was a good idea for us all to come over and help clean up, Sister. :'''Lizzie''': Hey, I know! Everyone's doing such a good job, we should make this a clean up party! :'''Sister Bear''': Let's not, Lizzy. If you don't mind, I rather not hear the word "party" again for a long time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': ''[echoing the book the episode was based on]'' If you're a bear who loves TV, loud music, and fun, how are you going to get your homework done? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mama after she finds garbage in Brother's brown backpack including a brown apple core and an old banana peel. And --last but not least-- a moldy piece of bread picks up a letter. It's a letter from Teacher Bob. The letter --from Teacher Bob Brother's fifth grade teacher-- reads...!]'' :'''Letter From Teacher Bob''': ''I regret to report that Brother Bear has fallen too far behind with his homework.'' :''Please call me.'' :''Yours truly,'' :''Teacher Bob'' :'''Mama Bear''': Hmm...! What is this? A note? :''[Then Mama reads the letter. She starts it saying...!]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[reading]'' ''Dear parent,'' :''I regret to inform you...!'' :''[Mama pauses, passes the letter to Papa, and Papa reads it. After Papa reads it, Mama looks at Papa, and then she --Mama-- says...!]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Looks like you and I better have a talk with our son! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[before he goes over to Brother, he finishes reading the letter]'' ''Dear parent,'' :''I regret to inform you that Brother Bear has fallen too far behind in his homework.'' :''Please call me.'' :''Yours truly,'' :''Teacher Bob'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': '''EARTH TO BROTHER! EARTH TO BROTHER! THIS IS YOUR PAPA SPEAKING!''' :'''Brother Bear''': Uh, Freddy. I gotta go. I'll call you later, bye. ''[hangs up the phone and looks at Papa]'' Were you saying something, Papa? I wasn't quite reading you. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[takes the headphones off Brother]'' '''YOU'RE NOT READING MUCH OF ANYTHING, ACCORDING TO THIS LETTER FROM YOUR TEACHER!''' :'''Brother Bear''': I, uh! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[calmly, but sternly]'' It says here "You've fallen way behind in your [[w:homework|homework]]". :'''Sister Bear''': Maybe Brother's too busy with other things, like girls. :'''Brother Bear''': I am not! :'''Mama Bear''': Sister, that's quite enough. :'''Brother Bear''': Yes! Go and do your own homework! :'''Sister Bear''': I'm already done! :'''Brother Bear''': That's because your homework is easy! :'''Sister Bear''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''IS TOO!''' :'''Mama Bear''': Stop that now, both of you. Let's figure out what the problem is. :'''Brother Bear''': I'll tell you what the problem is: I have too much homework! There's English and math and there's science and history and... Oh...! Every subject for every day until it's coming out of my ears! :'''Papa Bear''': Is that so? Have you been doing your homework every day? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, ''[chuckles]'' not really. :'''Papa Bear''': If you do a little bit of homework every day, it wouldn't pile up to a [[w:mountain|mountain]] of work! And that is what you have here! (Be done with your homework too fast and you may still fall behind! That is, even if you get a 4.0 GPA on your report card on all 3 quarters --fall, winter and spring! I mean, "Be done with your homework too fast and you might still fall behind, even if you get a 4.0 GPA on your report card and next tests"!) :'''Mama Bear''': I'm afraid Papa's right! So there are going to have to be some changes around here! :'''Brother Bear''': Like what? :'''Papa Bear''': Like no more [[w:music|music]], no more [[w:TV|TV]], no more talking on the [[w:phone|phone]]...! :'''Sister Bear''': What about [[w: video game|video games]], Papa? :'''Papa Bear''': And no more video games until you get caught up with your homework! :'''Brother Bear''': But you don't understand! That will take forever! :'''Papa Bear''': Then you better get started! (And no more getting done with your homework too fast! That is, or you are still put behind! You are behind, even if you get an "A" on your next report card! An "A" still gets you a "C" or "D"!) :''[According to Papa's saying, Brother only has an "A" in fifth grade because he is passing his math, science, history, language arts and art tests. That is, without cheating. But according to Teacher Bob, in the spite of that, even if he --Brother-- gets a 4.0 GPA on his next report card, it still puts him behind. And he --for every subject except physical education-- still gets a "C" or "D" in fifth grade. That is, and if that keeps up --and if he doesn't pick up his grades to at least a "B"-- he might have to be held back in fifth grade and/or take summer school.) :'''Brother Bear''': Oh... :'''Papa Bear''': Where are you going? :'''Brother Bear''': I'm just going outside to see the sunlight and smell the fresh air one last time. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Gramps''': Well, you might ask Teacher Bob to give you a catch-up period. I think he should go along with that. He's a pretty good guy. :'''Brother Bear''': That's a good idea! But the first thing I have to do is go home and get some of it done today. :'''Gramps''': That's the spirit! :'''Brother Bear''': If Papa can do it, then so can I. ===''The Talent Show / The Haunted Lighthouse'' [1.9]=== :'''Teacher Bob''': I believe that everyone has a special talent, but sometimes it can take a little help to find out what it is. <hr> :'''Fuzzy''': ''[imitating a groundhog]'' Well? :'''Brother Bear''': A [[w:pig|pig]]? :'''Fuzzy''': [[w:groundhog|Groundhog]]. :'''Brother Bear''': Oh, yeah, groundhog, right. :'''Fuzzy''': Wait, wait, wait! How about this? ''[imitates a pig]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Uh, groundhog? :'''Fuzzy''': Pig! :'''Brother Bear''': Ah, great, Fuzzy. What other animal impressions can you do? :'''Fuzzy''': ''[gasps]'' That's it. :'''Brother Bear''': How about a [[w:cattle|cow]], or maybe a [[w:horse|horse]], or... :'''Fuzzy''': Nope, just groundhog and pig. [[w:pickle|Pickle]]? :'''Brother Bear''': Uh, no thanks. I'll get back to you, Fuzzy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Too-Tall]'' You want to be in the talent show? :'''Cousin Fred''': Does having the hairiest knuckles count as a talent? :'''Too-Tall''': Very funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Hey! there's something outside! :'''Papa Bear''': Huh? :'''Mama Bear''': Huh? :''[They all look outside the window]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Really, something was there! I saw it! It was glowing. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[laughs]'' My guess would be it was your glowing imagination. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': This looks like a job for... :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': The Bear Detectives. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Salt'''ː I am the ghost of the lighthouse keeper! I am... Uh-oh. ===''The Birthday Boy / The Green-Eyed Monster'' [1.10]=== :'''Sister Bear''': ''[Little Lady licks Papa's video camera while Sister is using to do a movie about Brother for her school project]'' Little Lady, no! Hey! No! Stop! :'''Lizzie''': Maybe you can make a movie about Brother. :'''Sister Bear''': What's so special about him? He's just a brother. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Cindy''': My [[w:dog|dog]]'s a special member in my family. Do dogs count? :'''Lizzy''': I once saw a [[w:horse|horse]] at the circus that could count. :'''Teacher Jane''': No dogs or horses. :'''Cindy''': What about [[w:cat|cats]]? :'''Teacher Jane''': No dogs, cats, horses [[w:turtle|turtles]], [[w:frog|frogs]] or [[w:fish|fish]]. Only mamas papas sisters brothers or other bears in your family. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Sister Bear''': Mama, I have to do a project for school about a member of my family. I was thinking about making a movie about you or Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': A movie, huh? That sounds like fun. But we are sort of busy. :'''Mama Bear''': There's a lot to do before Brother's party tomorrow. Why don't you make your movie about him? :'''Sister Bear''': Brother? :'''Brother Bear''': Did somebody call me? :'''Papa Bear''': Hey, no peeking! :'''Brother Bear''': Aw! I'm going to Cousin Fred's! See you later! :'''Mama Bear''': No skateboarding in the house! And be home for dinner! :'''Brother Bear''': Okay! :'''Sister Bear''': There's nothing special about him. He's just my brother. :'''Mama Bear ''': You might be surprised. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next day is Brother's birthday. After singing happy birthday, Brother is opening his gifts.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Wow! A new [[w:basketball|basketball]]! Thanks! Nice wrapping job, Papa. :''' Sister Bear''': Happy Birthday, Brother! :'''Brother Bear''': I bet I know what this is! My very favorite movie of all time! Bear Force 1! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Nope. :'''Brother Bear''': Grizzly Justice? :'''Sister Bear''': ''[nods her head no as it's neither of those.]'' It's called My hero The birthday boy. :'''Mama Bear''': Why don't we watch it? :'''Brother Bear''': Uh.. ''[chuckles nervously]'' Gee. I really don't know if... :'''Everyone''': Show it! Show it! Show it! :''[The scene cuts to Brother, Sister, Mama, Papa, Lizzy, Cousin Freddy and Fuzzy watching the video tape Sister created]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[on the TV]'' He's the best Brother anyone could have in the whole wide world. He's my hero. :''[Everyone claps for Sister]'' :'''Brother Bear''': That was great, Sister. Thanks. ''[kisses Sister]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Showing someone how you feel about them can be the greatest gift of all. :'''Papa Bear''': And you don't even have to wrap it. :''[Sister takes the video tape out of the DVD player]'' :'''Brother Bear''': You're taking back my present? :'''Sister Bear''': Just for a little bit. I have to take it to class to show Teacher Jane. :'''Brother Bear''': Well, I don't know what grade you'll get from her, but from me you get an A+. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': Your car is running, Mr. Bruin. :'''Mr. Bruin''': Yes, I guess I should be happy it's running at all. :'''Mama Bear''': No, Mr. Bruin, he means it's running away! :'''Mr Bruin''': What? ''[realizes his car is rolling down hill]'' Oh no! Not again! Gotta go! I'll pick you up later, Lizzie! :'''Lizzie''': Okay, bye, Papa! ''[to Sister]'' Maybe after Brother is finished riding his [[w: bicycle|bike]], you can borrow it, and I can ride your bike. :'''Sister Bear''': Probably not. Brother doesn't let anyone ride his bike. Not even me! :'''Brother Bear''': ''[imitating a car while riding his bike around the front yard but is about to fall off because it's outgrown. Luckily Papa catches Brother]'' '''WHOA!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Is the green-eyed monster still knocking, Papa? :'''Papa Bear''': Yes, but I'm not going to let him in. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Green-Eyed Monster''': ''[to Sister]'' Don't you think it's not fair that Brother gets the pretty bike and you get an old bike?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': I did it! ''[riding on Brother's bicycle]'' I knew this bike wasn't too big for... ''[realizes that she can't reach the pedals because the bike is too big]'' Uh-oh! ===''The Baby Chipmunk / The Wishing Star'' [1.11]=== :'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Brother about the chipmunk she found]'' It looks like a little [[w:mouse|mouse]]. :'''Brother Bear''': That's not a mouse, that's a [[w:chipmunk|chipmunk]]. :'''Papa Bear''': You're right, Brother. And a baby one too. It looks brand new. :'''Mama Bear''': His eyes are barely open. :'''Sister Bear''': A little baby! Aw! It's so cute! :'''Brother Bear''': And so teeny. :''[Sister tries to pet the chipmunk, but Papa stops her]'' :'''Papa Bear''': No, Sister. You shouldn't touch him. :'''Sister Bear''': But I want to take him into the house! :'''Papa Bear''': Chipmunks belong outdoors, not in the house. :'''Sister Bear''': But it's just a baby, Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': All the more reason to leave him outside. He belongs with his mama. We better move away so she can find her baby. :'''Sister Bear''' ''[sadly]'' Okay. ''[to the chipmunk]'' Bye-bye, baby chipmunk. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Come on, Sister! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': It's going to be dark soon. :'''Sister Bear''': So can we take the chipmunk inside then? :'''Papa Bear''': ''[sternly]'' Now, Sister, remember what I said? Chipmunks belong outside. :'''Sister Bear''': I know, but he's just a little baby. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[looks at the stormy clouds]'' Well, it does look like [[w:rain|rain]]. Okay, but only because it's going to rain. :'''Sister Bear''': Yay! ''[hugs Papa]'' :'''Papa Bear''': And only for tonight. :'''Mama Bear''': We'll keep an eye out for his mama. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Mama, what do baby chipmunks eat? :'''Mama Bear''': Like most babies, they milk from their mamas. But since we don't have a mama chipmunk, we're going to have to improvise. Sister, you run upstairs to get one of your doll's baby bottles, ''[to Brother]'' And Brother, you find something for the chipmunk to sleep in. I'll fix him something to eat. :''[Mama goes in the kitchen to make something for the chipmunk]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[to the chipmunk]'' How does a little warm [[w:milk|milk]] and [[w:honey|honey]] sound? :'''Papa Bear''': Delicious! But I thought we were having [[w:maple|mapled]] cured [[w:salmon|salmon]] tonight. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[laughs]'' It's for the chipmunk, silly. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, in that case, milk and honey sounds fine. <hr width="50"/> :'''Sister Bear''': All Brown Eyes does is eat and sleep. :'''Mama Bear''': Well, that's what babies do. When they aren't eating and sleeping, ... :'''Sister Bear''': ''[giggles]'' They're sleeping and eating. :'''Mama Bear''': Exactly. :'''Sister Bear''': Babies and papas. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey! I heard that! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[giggles]'' I love you, Brown Eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': They say the first star you see at night you can make a wish on. That's why it's called the wishing star. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': It's really amazing how hard work and determination can magically give you what you deserve. ===''Get the Gimmies / Lost In A Cave'' [1.12]=== :'''Mama Bear''': When a cub's behavior takes a turn for the worst, it's hard for parents to know what to do first. :'''Sister Bear''': Did you bring the shopping list, Papa? :'''Papa Bear''': ''[grabs the shopping list out]'' I got it right here. It's a long one today. :'''Sister Bear''': I hope the new [[w:peanut butter|peanut butter]] and [[w:jelly|jelly]] all-in one jar is on the list! :'''Brother Bear''': And the new purple catsup! :'''Papa Bear''': Purple catsup? Who ever heard of purple catsup? :'''Mama Bear''': If it's new, the cubs have heard of it. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[sighs]'' And want to buy it. :''[When they get in the store]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Now, remember what I told you in the car. We're here to buy groceries, that's all, so no asking for toys and treats. Is that understood? ''[realizes the cubs have wondered off]'' Huh? :'''Papa Bear''': Uh-oh, it looks like we're off to a bad start. :''[The cubs look at the vending machines filled with rainbow gob-busters, spy bear decoder rings and bearbie stickers.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Wow! Rainbow gob-busters! :'''Sister Bear''': Cool! :'''Brother Bear''': Check this out, Sister! They have spy bear decoder rings! :'''Sister Bear''': And bearbie stickers! :''[Mama clears throat]'' :'''Brother Bear''': I want one of those [[w:ring|rings]], Mama. :'''Sister Bear''': I want some [[w:sticker|stickers]]. :'''Mama Bear''': What did I just tell you on the way here? :'''Brother Bear''': Uh... Um... Well, uh... :'''Sister Bear''': Um, I forget. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighs]'' That we're not here to buy treats. Now come along. ''[The cubs walk to Mama, and she looks at the donation displays]'' Why, isn't that nice? :'''Papa Bear''': Mm-hmm. It's a fine idea. :'''Brother Bear''': What's a fine idea? :'''Mama Bear''': The store has put these donation displays here to remind everyone to give to the different charities in our community. :'''Papa Bear''': You two might think about donating some of the toys you've outgrown to the Sick Cubs [[w: hospital|Hospital]]. :'''Brother Bear''': Hey! What's that? :'''Sister Bear''': Oh! :''[The cubs run to the treat place]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Look! New [[w: marshmallow|marshmallow]]-[[w: chocolate|chocolate]] bears! :''[Brother and Sister each take one marshmallow chocolate bear off the shelf]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Can we have one? Please, please! :'''Mama Bear''': You know the answer. Now put those back. :'''Brother Bear''': Aw, okay. ''[puts his marshmallow chocolate bear back on the shelf]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[sighs]'' Alright. ''[puts her marshmallow chocolate bear back on the shelf, then she and Brother sadly walk away]'' :'''Mama Bear''': I can see that this shopping trip is going to be the same as all the others. :'''Papa Bear''': Hmm! Marshmallow and chocolate. ''[Mama grabs his shoulder]'' Oh! :''[The scene cuts to Mama and Papa in an aisle of jars of honey]'' :'''Papa Bear''': Hmm, two jars of [[w:honey|honey]]! :'''Mama Bear''': Two? I only have one on my list. :'''Papa Bear''': We do go through a lot of honey, honey. :'''Mama Bear''': ''You'' go through a lot of honey, honey. I think one jar is enough. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[shows Mama a big jar of honey]'' How about this one? ''[licks his lips]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Papa! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Okay, it's true what they say about grocery shopping. ''[puts the big honey jar back]'' You should never do it on an empty stomach. :'''Brother Bear''': Wow! Neat! Glow-in-the-dark flyers! This would be lots of fun to play with at night! Can I get it? :'''Mama Bear''': No! I've told you not more than ten minutes ago that... :'''Sister Bear:''': ''[bringing a bouncy apple]'' Mama? Papa? Can I get this? :'''Papa Bear''': An [[w:apple|apple]]? Sure! :'''Sister Bear''': Thanks! ''[bounces the bouncy apple on the ground]'' :'''Papa Bear''': Oh, careful now! You'll bruise it! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[bounces the bouncy apple again]'' It's not a real apple, Papa. It's bouncy fruit. Neat, huh? They've got bouncy [[w:orange fruit|oranges]], bouncy [[w:pear|pears]] and bouncy [[w:banana|bananas]]. :'''Brother Bear''': Hey, if Sister can have bouncy fruit, then, ''[holds up the glow-in-the-dark flyer]'' then I can have this! :''[Mama takes the toys away from Brother and Sister.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Now listen, you two. It's not your [[w:birthday|birthday]] and it's not [[w:Christmas|Christmas]] and it's not "Give Your Cubs a Treat" day, so you can put these toys back right now. :'''Cubs''': Aw! :'''Papa Bear''': Give Your Cubs a Treat Day? When's that? :'''Mama Bear''': There's no such thing, but the way Brother and Sister carry on, you think it was every day of the year. :''[The scene cuts to the checkout section, while Brother and Sister go and look at the candy aisle]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Mmm, look at all the [[w:candy|candy]]! :'''Brother Bear''': I know. It's hard to know what to pick. Ask Mama if we can get something. :'''Sister Bear''': You ask. :'''Brother Bear''': No, you ask. :'''Sister Bear''' We'll both ask. :'''Brother Bear''' Okay. :'''Cubs''' Mama, can we get something? :'''Mama Bear''' Yes you can. I forgot to pick up scouring pads. Could you hurry over to aisle 3 and get a package? :'''Cubs''': Aw! :''[The scene cuts to outside of the store]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Well, that was a fun trip. :'''Sister Bear''': I know. We spent all that time grocery shopping, and all we got were groceries. :'''Brother Bear''': Wait a minute, look! :'''Guy''': Aw, come on, folks, Get your adorable kitty [[w:cat|cats]] here, folks! They're cute, they're cuddly, and they won't last long! :'''Papa Bear''': They won't last long, alright. They'll probably break in less than an hour. :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, Papa. :'''Brother Bear''': I want one, mister! :'''Sister Bear''': Me too! :'''Guy''': Here you go, cubs. :'''Brother Bear''': These are great! :'''Sister Bear''': These are cool! :'''Papa Bear''': Now, just hold on! We didn't come here to buy toys. :'''Mama Bear''': Papa's right. Remember what I told you about buying toys and treats? :'''Brother Bear''': But that was when we were getting our groceries. We're finished now. :'''Sister Bear''': And look at how cute they are! Please, please, please! Can we get them? :'''Guy''': Oh, come on, folks. Why don't you buy your cubs a treat? :'''Sister Bear''': Oh, Papa, I'd appreciate it ever, ever so much! :'''Woman''': Oh, my, she is such an adorable little cub! :'''Man''': How could you say no to a face like that? :'''Papa Bear''': But... I... '''OH! ALL RIGHT!''' ''[grumbles while giving the guy money]'' :'''Guy''': Thank you very much, sir, and have a great day. :'''Papa Bear''': You’re welcome. :'''Brother Bear''': Thanks, Papa! :'''Sister Bear''': Thank you, Papa! :''[Go back home.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': Of all the shameful, embarrassing, outrageous behavior, that was the worst case of the galloping gimmies I have ever seen! :'''Mama Bear''': You're right, Papa, but perhaps it's partly our fault for giving in. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, what more could we do with all those strangers staring at us? I think it's time we had a talk with our cubs. ''[The cubs walk upstairs, but Papa calls for them; offscreen]'' Brother! Sister! :'''Cubs''': Yes, Papa? :'''Papa Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Into the living room, please. It's time for a family meeting. :''[The scene cuts to the cubs in the living room, seeing Papa for a family meeting.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': There are more important things in this world than getting as many treats that you can get your hands on. Greedy cubs who only think of themselves can never really be happy. Do you know why? :'''Cubs''': No. :'''Papa Bear''': Because you can't have everything you want in life all the time. Do you understand? :'''Cubs''': Yes. :'''Mama Bear''': And furthermore, sometimes it's good to think of others instead of just yourselves. :'''Sister Bear''': Okay. :'''Brother Bear''': We will. :'''Papa Bear''': Good! :''[Gran and Gramps arrive to visit]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, Gran and Gramps are here! :'''[The cubs gasp in excitement, and they run towards the door to ask Gramps and Gran if they brought them anything]'' :'''Gramps''': Hi, there! :'''Brother Bear''': What did you bring us? :'''Sister Bear''': Yeah, what did you bring us? :'''Papa Bear''': ''[scolds the cubs]'' '''I can't believe you two! You didn't even say hello! "THAT'S IT! UP TO YOUR ROOM!''' ''[Brother and Sister sadly head upstairs to their room]'' '''AND THERE WILL BE NO TREATS FOR A WEEK! A MONTH! A YEAR!''' :'''Gramps''': You having a bad day, son? :'''Papa Bear''': I'm sorry about the unpleasant welcome, but Sister and Brother have had a bad case of the greedy galloping gimmies. :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, the worst case yet! :'''Gramps''': Worst case, huh? I think I have seen worse. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, I am not quite surprised. They've probably made quite a spectacle of themselves over at your house. :'''Gramps''': I was talking about you, actually. :'''Papa Bear''': Me? I had the gimmies? :''[Brother and Sister are out of their rooms, wondering what Mama, Papa, Gran, and Gramps are talking about.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Papa had the gimmies? :'''Gramps''': Yep, I am afraid it's true. But you turned around, eventually. :'''Gran''': I remember the day it happened. :'''Gramps''': So do I. It was at old Rufe Grizzly's General Store. ''[Cut to a flashback]'' We were buying our groceries, and you got the gimmies. :'''Gran''': You made such a fuss over a truck that it was downright embarrassing. :''[Cut back to reality]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Like how we fussed about those kitty cats. :'''Sister Bear''': And embarrassed Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, I am glad that you didn't give in. :'''Gramps''': Oh, I am afraid that we did. :'''Papa Bear''': Oh? :''[Cut back to the flashback]'' :'''Gramps''': You got what you wanted that day, but then as we were leaving, you noticed a family that barely had enough to put food on the counter. Seeing those folks and how little they had somehow got you to thinking. :''[The flashback ends]'' :'''Papa Bear''': And I gave that cub my [[w:truck|truck]]! I remember that! :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, I love that story! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[out loud]'' Me too! Oops. :'''Brother Bear''': We're sorry about how we acted. :'''Sister Bear''': I wish we could just start this whole day over again. :'''Gramps''': Well, we can start part of it over again. ''[to Gran]'' Step outside, dear. :'''Gran''': ''[chuckles]'' Alright. :''[Gramps and Gran walk outside and close the door. Then they knock on the door]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, I wonder who that could be? :''[the cubs laugh]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[opens the door for Gramps and Gran]'' Well, look who's here. Gramps and Gran. :'''Brother Bear''': Hi, Gramps and Gran! :'''Sister Bear''': Hi, Gramps, hi Gran! :'''Gran''': Hello, everyone. :'''Brother Bear''': It sure is good to see you. :'''Sister Bear''': Yes, and if you brought us something, you can just leave it in the car because we're not even thinking about it. :''[Mama, Papa, Gramps, and Gran laugh]'' :'''Sister Bear''': What? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': You never can tell what a cave is going to be like on the inside, just like from what it looks like on the outside. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Look! Wow! Real, live fossils. :'''Cousin Fred''': Maybe a million years ago they were alive! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Things that seem scary really aren't, once you know what they really are. :'''Cousin Fred''': I know. There's a logical explanation for everything. :'''Brother Bear''': Exactly! ''[his voice echoes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': Our string path turned into a spaghetti lunch for this goat! ===''Too Much Junk Food / Go To Camp'' [1.13]=== :'''Dr. Grizzly''': Exercise is an important part of a healthy lifestyle. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[panting]'' I agree with you, one hundred percent. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': ''[panting]'' Gees, I don't get this tired when I play [[w:baseball|baseball]]. :'''Brother Bear''': Well, you're running much farther than second base, Sis. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': What about Sugarballs? :'''Sister Bear''': And Choco Chums? :'''Papa Bear''': And Sweetsie [[w:cola|Cola]]? :'''Dr. Grizzly''': Sweets and goodies don't give you the kind of nourishment your body needs. :'''Sister Bear''': Are they bad for us? :'''Dr. Grizzly''': Having treats occasionally is fine. If you have too much, they fill you up and you're not hungry for the healthy foods your body needs. :'''Papa Bear''': Well cubs, it's time for us to get our [[w:train|trains]] back on the track. :'''Sister Bear''': You're right, Papa. ''[Sister starts chugging and whistling like a train]'' :'''Papa Bear''': Whoo-whoo! ''[looking back toward Brother; chuckles]'' Get on board, son. Whoo-whoo! :'''Brother Bear''': I... I think I'll walk. I need the exercise. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': I have an idea. Let's go home, celebrate by opening up the [[w:freezer|freezer]], and... :'''Mama Bear''': ''[cuts him off]'' Uh-uh-uh, it's far too easy to fall back into the junk food habit. :'''Brother Bear''': We'll celebrate with carrot sticks. :'''Sister Bear''': And nuts and raisins. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Do you think this sleep-out is a good idea? :'''Brother Bear''': No. :'''Sister Bear''': Oh, good. :'''Brother Bear''': I think it's a great idea! ==External links== {{wikipedia|The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)}} [[Category:The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series) seasons|1]] [[Category:PBS Kids Tv Shows]] qxy5l5ou49pb1i0tbvjmacptug2qvms 3955082 3955081 2026-06-21T15:59:28Z ~2026-31994-37 3332129 /* Get the Gimmies / Lost In A Cave [1.12] */ 3955082 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons''': [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the first season of ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''. ==Season 1== ===''Trouble at School / Visit the Dentist'' [1.1]=== :''[first lines of the series, echoing the book the episode was based on]'' :'''Brother Bear''': When a problem at school is kept secret too long, it can grow until a cub thinks everything is wrong! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sister --after bringing Brother make-up math homework-- sees Brother still playing with his dinosaur collection.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': If you can hold a [[w:dinosaur|dinosaur]], you can hold a [[w:pencil|pencil]]! :''[Sister puts Brother's make-up work on his bed and angrily walks away. Echoing from the book, "While Brother was having fun at home, his fellow classmates --in Teacher Bob's class-- were hard at work. They learned addition, subtraction and multiplication. And now, they were learning about division". For multiplication and division, they first learned about their multiplication times tables through 9 --counting by 1's, 2's, 3's, 4's, 5's, 6's, 7's, 8's and 9's-- and now they were learning multiplication and division facts through 9. But Brother, he has not done any of his multiplication and division homework since Sister brought him it on Monday.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teacher Bob''': If you all take your seats, we can get started on the math test. Please remember to show me all your calculations on the margin. :''[The quiz is about division. It's about division facts --1 through 9. For multiplication, Brother's class learned multiplication facts through 9. Now on division, it was division facts through 9. In the book version, it says, "Then when Brother got back to school, Teacher Bob said to him and his class, 'I certainly hope you studied that math folder. Because we are going to have a quiz'. 'A quiz?', asked Brother. 'About what?'. 'About division of course', said Teacher Bob as he handed out the quiz packets".]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teacher Bob''': Goodbye! I'll see you tomorrow. :''[Even though most of the students did great, there was one "F" and that was Brother. Teacher Bob glares at Brother. Then it cuts to Brother. That is, who looks guilty after failing the division quiz. Brother may have gotten every single problem wrong or cheated with another student's test.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Uh oh! This can't be good! :'''Teacher Bob''': I'm afraid it isn't, Brother. :''[Teacher Bob then reveals the division quiz. There is a number "0" on the test. Teacher Bob wrote on the division quiz, '''VERY POOR! MUST BE SIGNED BY PARENT!'''. That is, and in other words, "Brother not only got every problem wrong or cheated. But he also got a great big '0'". In the book, and echoing from it, the actual page reads, "The quiz was a disaster! Not only did Brother get every problem wrong! But Teacher Bob wrote on the paper ''''VERY POOR! MUST BE SIGNED BY PARENT!''''".]'' :'''Brother Bear''': '''[[w:zero|ZERO]]??''' :''[After Brother says this, Teacher Bob is concerned. He asks if Brother studied for the division quiz. That is, as he asks Brother...!]'' :'''Teacher Bob''': Didn't you do the worksheets I sent home with Sister? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, I was pretty sick. ''[tries to talk in between coughs]'' It took a lot out of me of that flu bug. :'''Teacher Bob''': Hmm? :'''Brother Bear''': But I think I'm going to be okay now. And I can't wait to get those worksheets done! :'''Teacher Bob''': I'm glad to hear that. :'''Brother Bear''': Well... I guess I better catch the bus. :'''Teacher Bob''': Oh, one more thing. Please have your parents sign that test and bring it back to me tomorrow. :'''Brother Bear''': Yes, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother looks at his test which was about division.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Even the [[w:flu|flu]] doesn't feel this bad. :'''Mama Bear''': How was your day at school? :'''Brother Bear''': We had a math test today, and... :''[Sister starts coughing and sneezing.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': I don't feel very well, Mama. :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, dear. ''[Sister sneezes]'' :'''Papa Bear''' I don't like the sound of that. :'''Mama Bear''' You're running a temperature. :'''Sister Bear''': I think I caught Brother's cold. :'''Papa Bear''': Yes, that doesn't surprise me. ''[to Brother]'' And now, what were you saying, son? :'''Brother Bear''': Me? Oh, it was nothing really. Sister's more important right now. ''[to Sister]'' Here, Sister. Let me carry your stuff. :'''Sister Bear''': Thank you. :'''Papa Bear''': And I'll carry you. :'''Mama Bear''': I'll put on some chicken soup. :''[Mama and Papa are unaware that Brother cheated or didn't pass his division quiz. And now, they're trying to take care of Sister.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': '''I JUST WON'T GO TO SCHOOL, AND I WON'T GIVE MY TEST BACK TO THE TEACHER! NOT MY FAULT I WAS SICK!''' ''[takes his division quiz out of his backpack]'' '''PHOOEY ON SCHOOL! PHOOEY ON MATH! PHOOEY ON EVERYTHING!''' ''[folds his division quiz into a paper airplane and sails it out so neither him nor his family can see it and it lands near an old log.]'' Oh no! What am I supposed to do now? I can't go to school! And I can't go home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to Gramps and Gran's dining room. Brother is at their table having milk and chocolate chip cookies.]'' :'''Gran''': Dear me! This paper has more wrinkles than I do. :''[Gran flattens out the division quiz --which Brother had made into a paper airplane-- and rolls it out with her rolling pin. That is, to get the wrinkles out of the quiz.]'' :'''Gran''': Well? I guess that is about the best I can do. :'''Brother Bear''': It is way better than it did, ''[looks at the zero on his test.]'' but it still has a big fat zero on it. :''[By that saying of Brother, the division test looks better than it did. That is, but it still has a great big "0".]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mama and Papa look at the division quiz. And they find a great big "0" on it.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[shows the zero on his division test]'' I told you it was pretty bad. :'''Papa Bear''': Pretty bad? Can it get any worse than zero? :'''Gramps''': Well, it can get worse when you don't tell your parents and don't get on the [[w:school bus|school bus]]. :'''Brother Bear''': That's for sure. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' You should have come to us right away. :'''Brother Bear''': I know, I'm sorry. :'''Papa Bear''': At least you're coming to us now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cousin Freddy''': I had no idea so many gooey gums can fit into one bag. :'''Brother Bear''': Well, this way I'll have enough to last a while. :'''Cousin Freddy''': A while? You'll have enough to last until next year. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': I don't want Dr. Bearson to yank my tooth out with his big yankers! :'''Mama Bear''' Big yankers? Who told you that? ''[angrily galres at Papa. Papa nods his head no as he didn't tell Sister about the dentist pulling out her teeth with yankers. Then they all turn to Brother.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': I was only kidding. I didn't think she'd believe me. ''[chuckles]'' Sorry, Sister. :'''Mama Bear''': Dr. Bearson isn't going to yank out your tooth with yankers. ''[to Sister]'' Your tooth will fall out on its own. :'''Brother Bear''': I bet that's a relief. Huh, Sister? Well, I'm going over to Freddy's for a while. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[stops him]'' Not so fast! Sister's loose tooth doesn't explain why you didn't want any oatmeal chewies. :'''Papa Bear''' Yes, you usually eat two or three at a time. :'''Brother Bear''': I had a little [[w:toothache|toothache]], but it's feeling much... ''[his tooth starts to hurt.]'' better now. Ow! :'''Mama Bear''': How long have you had this toothache? :'''Brother Bear''': Since this morning when I was eating a gooey gum. :'''Mama Bear''': More gooey gums? :'''Papa Bear''': No wonder you have a toothache. They're so sweet that even your truly papa bear wouldn't eat one. :'''Mama Bear''': I better phone Dr. Bearson and make an appointment right away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': You'd better make sure you put your tooth under your pillow tonight. :'''Sister Bear''': Why? :'''Brother Bear''': Why? For the [[w:tooth fairy|tooth fairy]] of course. :'''Sister Bear''': No way! This is my first tooth! I'm keeping it! :''[Mama and Brother start laughing]'' ===''Mama New Job/Mighty Milton'' [1.2]=== :'''Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz''': ''[together, chanting, and chorusing a "teasing" comment about Milton]'' '''MILTON, MILTON!''' :'''WATCH HIM GO!''' :'''WATCH HIM DRIBBLE OFF HIS TOE!''' <hr width”50%”/> :''[After Too-Tall the bully. And his friends Smirk and Skuzz teased Brother in the classroom, school yard, and on the bus back home from school --which was the chant "Brother, Brother!/Teacher's Pet!/Now he is the principal's pet!", "Brother, Brother!/He's so good!/He does everything he should!", and "Brother, Brother!/He's so sweet!/The sweetest cub you ever met!"-- Brother befriended a new cub named Massive Milton. And after Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz teased Milton, Too-Tall teases Brother again and he --Too-Tall-- says...!)''' :'''Too-Tall''': ''[to Brother]'' '''WELL?! LA-DI-DAH! BROTHER BEAR --THE PRINCIPAL'S PET-- IS STICKING UP FOR MASSIVE MILTON!''' :''[This line --said by Too-Tall-- was also from the "Too Much Teasing" book.]'' <hr width”50%”/> :'''Woman 1''': These [[w:quilt|quilts]] will look fabulous on my cub's bed. How much are you asking for them? :'''Woman 2''' Excuse me! But I think I saw them first! :'''Sister Bear''': '''NO! (YOU CAN'T BUY THESE QUILTS!) MAMA MADE THOSE FOR US!''' ''[Sister and Brother both hug the quilts]'' :'''Mama Bear''': I'm sorry. But these quilts aren't for sale. I'm just airing them out. <hr width”50%”/> :'''Mama Bear''': I've got a job! I'm going to start my own quilt-making business! :'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Huh?? ===''Go To School / The Week at Grandma's'' [1.3]=== :'''Sister Bear''': What's this? :'''Brother Bear''': Things we studied in mathematics. That's long division. It looks a lot harder than it is. It's nothing to worry about. :'''Sister Bear''': Nothing to worry about? It's just like Too-Tall said! It's too hard! :'''Mama Bear''': Oh dear, you've worked yourself into a tizzy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Do you know what a [[w:synonym|synonym]] is? :''[Sister mistakenly believes Brother and says "cinnamon"]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Uh-huh. It's my favorite spice. Like synonym [[w:toast|toast]] and synonym [[w:bun|buns]]... :'''Brother Bear''': ''[laughs]'' No, that's"[[w:cinnamon|cinnamon]]". I said "synonym". It's word that's spelled differently, but it means the same thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Too busy? :'''Sister Bear''': I promised Brother I'd make a [[w:picture|picture]]. :'''Brother Bear''': You can make me a picture at kindergarten, Sister. They've got lots of [[w:paint|paint]], [[w:crayon|crayons]] and every [[w:color|color]] you can think of. :'''Sister Bear''': But I want to hear my [[w:storybook|storybooks]]! :'''Mama Bear''': They have lots of books at kindergarten, too. With stories you haven't heard before. :'''Sister Bear''': I was going to build something with my [[w:building blocks|blocks]]. :'''Papa Bear''': They have enough blocks to build a [[w:castle|castle]] at kindergarten. That was one of Brother's things about school. :'''Brother Bear''': There's a tub of blocks bigger than you. :'''Mama Bear''': What do you say, Sister? Can you give kindergarten a try? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': And so, you went with Brother on the [[w:bus|bus]] for your first day of school. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Is it all right if I sit here? :'''Lizzy''': Uh-huh! :''[When they get to school]'' :'''Miss Honey Bear''': Welcome to Bear Country School. My name is Miss Honey Bear, and I'm your new kindergarten teacher! Would you like to come inside and meet your new classmates? :''[When it's time for recess, all the cubs go out to play. Mama Bear comes to school to see how Sister is doing. The cubs who are heading out to recess bump into Mama.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[realizes]'' Mama, why are you here? :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, I just thought I would stop by to see how you were doing. :'''Sister Bear''': I'm having fun! Brother was right, they do have lots of paint colors, more than a hundred! :'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Is that right? :'''Sister Bear''': And they do have a big tub of blocks, just like Papa said. Lizzy and I built a giant castle! :'''Mama Bear''': Lizzy? :'''Sister Bear''': Uh-huh, she's my new friend. :'''Lizzy''': New best friend. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[shakes hands with Lizzy]'' Pleased to meet you, Lizzy. :'''Lizzy''': Hi, we're having [[w:recess|recess]]! :'''Mama Bear''': And what do you do at recess? :'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Lizzy]'' Do you know? :'''Lizzy''': This is my first one! :'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' I'll help you get started! Come on over to the [[w:swing|swings]] and I'll push you. :'''Sister Bear''': Okay! :'''Lizzy''': That's a good idea! :''[The flashback ends]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Huh? :'''Sister Bear''': [[w:suitcase|Suitcases]]? :'''Mama Bear''': So our reservations for Grizzly Mountain Lodge are all set? Thank you so much, see you soon. :'''Brother Bear''': Reservations? :'''Cubs''': We're going on vacation! :'''Mama Bear''': Well, actually, it's a second [[w:honeymoon|honeymoon]]. :'''Brother Bear''': Still sounds like fun. :'''Sister Bear''': Mmmm! Especially the [[w:honey|honey]] part. :'''Papa Bear''': I haven't seen these in ages. I wonder if my serve is still... ''[falls to the ground]'' Ow! :'''Brother Bear''': Papa, are you okay? :'''Sister Bear''': Maybe you should just let Brother and me play [[w:tennis|tennis]] on the honeymoon. :'''Brother Bear''': You and Mama can keep score. :'''Mama Bear''': Sorry, sweeties, but honeymoons aren't for cubs. Honeymoons are special trips that couples go on after they get married. It's an old tradition. :'''Papa Bear''': Grizzly Mountain Lodge is where Mama and I went on our first honeymoon. :'''Brother Bear''': But what about us? :'''Mama Bear''': Well, you're going on a special trip of your own. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[gasps]'' Is it Grizzly World? :'''Sister Bear''': Is it Honeycomb [[w:amusement park|Amusement Park]]? :'''Mama Bear''': You're going to Grandma's. :'''Cubs''': ''[shocked]'' Gran's? :'''Brother Bear''': That should do it. [[w:board games|Board games]], [[w:book|books]], my [[w:yo-yo|yo-yo]]. I wonder if I should bring my chemistry set. :'''Sister Bear''': I'm bringing [[w:puzzle|puzzles]], [[w:coloring book|coloring books]] and [[w:teddy bear|teddy bear]]. :'''Papa Bear''': Beep beep. Coming through! Hey, what's all this doing out here? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, we are going to Gran's for a whole week. We need to keep busy. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, now. You always have fun at Gran's house without all this stuff! :'''Brother Bear''': When we go for one afternoon, maybe. ''[whispers to Mama Bear]'' and Gran and Gramps are old. :'''Sister Bear''': Maybe they'll want to take naps all day. :''[Papa closes the trunk of the car]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Papa, what about our [[w:toy|toys]]? :'''Papa Bear''': You won't need all those. You're going to have too much fun with Gran and Gramps. I wonder if the [[w:lodge|lodge]] still has [[w:canoe|canoe]] rides on the [[w:lake|lake]]. :'''Mama Bear''': And [[w:live music|live music]] in the dance hall. <hr width"50"%=> :'''Brother Bear''': Now for my favorite part of lunch. [[w:dessert|Dessert]]. :'''Sister Bear''': Oh no! Gran forgot the honey for the honey buns! :'''Gramps''': No, she didn't. Gran makes the buns, And I make the honey, with some help of course. :'''Brother Bear''': Watch it, Gramps! They'll sting you! :'''Gramps''': I do this all the time. First, you smoke the [[w:bee|bees]] out to calm them down, then you gently pry the hive open, loosen up a frame and pull out the honeycomb. ===''The Trouble With Pets / The Sitter'' [1.4]=== :'''Brother Bear''': Are you thinking what I'm thinking? :'''Sister Bear''': A [[w:horse|horse]]? :''[Brother and Sister gallop likes horses]'' :'''Brother Bear''': We can ride it to school! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[slows them down]'' Whoa! Nobody said anything about a horse. :'''Mama Bear''': A horse would need a fenced corral with lots of room to run. Our yard's just too small. :'''Papa Bear''': And do you know how much a horse eats? More oats than I can afford! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': I want a pet that's warm and cuddly. :'''Brother Bear''': If you want something warm and cuddly, you should just get your old blanket. :'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you want a pet that's cold and slimy, you should get some slime! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[walking to them]'' What's all the commotion about? :'''Brother Bear''': ''[waking to Papa and Sister]'' None of the pets that Sister wants are any fun! :'''Sister Bear''': All the pets that Brother wants are too weird! :'''Brother Bear''': They are not! :'''Sister Bear''': '''ARE TOO!''' :'''Papa Bear''': Now settle down. We'll go to the [[w:pet store|pet store]]. Maybe they'll have something you can both agree on. :'''Brother Bear''': The pet store? Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene dissolves to Mama Papa Sister and Brother in the family car on the way to the pet store]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Now remember, cubs... :'''Cubs''': We know. :'''Brother Bear''': Nothing that eats bugs. :'''Sister Bear''': ''[laughs]'' Or smells bad. :'''Brother Bear''': Hey! ''[sees Farmer Ben running around.]'' What's Farmer Ben doing? :'''Papa Bear''': It looks like his [[w:chicken|chickens]] are on the loose. Let's give him a hand. :''[Papa parks the car so they can see what Farmer Ben is doing]'' :'''Farmer Ben''': Come back here! Uh... Heal! Oh boy. Sit! :'''Brother Bear''': Heal? :'''Sister Bear''': Sit? :'''Papa Bear''': Farmer Ben must be trying to train his chickens. :''[A litter of puppies race towards Brother and Sister]'' :'''Brother Bear''': [[w:puppy|Puppies]]! :'''Sister Bear''': Aw! They're so cute! :'''Farmer Ben''': These pups are getting to be quite a handful. I'm going to have to put an ad on the paper to see if I can find them good homes. :'''Brother Bear''': Can we have one? Please? :'''Papa Bear''': I don't know. :'''Mama Bear''': We'll think about it. :'''Sister Bear''': What do we have to think about? :'''Papa Bear''': Well, for one thing, there are the vet bills to consider. :'''Mama Bear''': Not to mention dog tags and licenses. All of that costs money. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[hands Mama the puppy]'' We can save up our allowance money to help pay for it. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[the puppy licks Mama]'' Oh my. It is kind of cute. :'''Papa Bear''': We'll take it. :'''Sister Bear''': Yay! We're getting a puppy! :'''Brother Bear''': Let's call him Prince. :'''Farmer Ben''': ''[chuckles]'' That's a fine name for a boy dog, but I'm afraid the one you're holding is a little lady. :'''Sister Bear''': Maybe that's what we should call her, Little Lady. :'''Brother Bear''': Wait until you see your new home! You're really going to like it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': What are you doing here? :'''Brother Bear''': What ''am'' I doing here? What are ''you'' doing here? You're supposed to be looking after Lady. :'''Sister Bear''': No I'm not! I won the [[w:coin toss|coin toss]], remember? :'''Brother Bear''': That was for cleaning up her accident. :'''Sister Bear''': It was for cleaning up her accident and looking after her! :'''Brother Bear''': No it wasn't. :'''Sister Bear''': Yes it was! :'''Brother Bear''': Well, if we aren't looking after her, who is? :''[Little Lady has made a mess in the living room. She's pulling one of her toys from underneath a flower vase. The cubs run home and say...!]'' :'''Sister Bear''': No, Lady! :'''Brother Bear''': Stop! :''[The flower vase falls on the ground and breaks. The cubs look at the mess Little Lady made.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': This isn't good! :''[Mama and Papa return home]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Hello! :'''Papa Bear''': Hi! :''[Mama and Papa also look at the mess Little Lady made.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, the [[w:sofa|sofa]]! :'''Papa Bear''': My [[w:chair|chair]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to outside where it's raining outside. Little Lady is sent to her doghouse as punishment for wrecking the living room.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Maybe we should have asked for a [[w:goldfish|goldfish]] instead. At least we wouldn't have gotten it into so much trouble. :'''Sister Bear''': It's not fair to Little Lady. We should be the ones out in the doghouse. :''[Mama and Papa are in the kitchen. Papa is fixing the broken flower vase, and Mama is sewing up a ripped pillow.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': This [[w:vase|vase]] is in more pieces than a [[w:jigsaw puzzle|jigsaw puzzle]]. :'''Mama Bear''': What could have gotten Little Lady into doing such a thing? :'''Brother Bear''': We know what got into her. :'''Mama Bear''': What do you mean? :'''Brother Bear''': We weren't exactly looking after her when she got into trouble. :'''Papa Bear''': You weren't looking after her? :'''Sister Bear''': She didn't get outside for any exercise all afternoon. Not even a walk. :'''Brother Bear''': That's why she wrecked the living room. She was just trying to have some fun. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Looking after a puppy is a round-the-clock job. :'''Papa Bear''': It isn't something you can just put off until later when it's more convenient. :'''Brother Bear''': We're sorry :'''Sister Bear''': I guess we aren't very good puppy owners. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Maybe you can make it up to her. :'''Mama Bear''': How about giving her a snack when you bring her back in. :'''Sister Bear''': We can bring her back in the house? :'''Brother Bear''': You mean it? :'''Mama Bear''': After hearing what really happened, I think she deserves another chance. :'''Brother Bear''': Come on, Sister! Let's go tell her the good news! ===''Too Much TV / Trick or Treat'' [1.5]=== :'''Papa Bear''': What's this? A lovely lady dining alone? May I join you for lunch, Mrs. Bear? :'''Mama Bear''': Be my guest. ''[Papa kisses her]'' The cubs aren't interested. :'''Papa Bear''': Oh? Where are they? :'''Mama Bear''': Eating in front of that television. It used to be a treat, but now they do it every day. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Give it to me! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' No way! It's my turn to choose! :''[The scene cuts to the cubs in the living room, and they're fighting about what TV shows they should watch.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': '''WE'RE NOT WATCHING "BEAR WRESTLING"!''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''THERE'S NO WAY I'M WATCHING "LITTLE TREEHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE"!''' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' '''OKAY, THAT'S IT!''' :''[Brother and Sister jump from their fighting, drop the TV remote and the TV remote flies out of their hands.]'' :'''Cubs''': ''[screaming]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[catches the TV remote]'' '''NO MORE TV FOR A WEEK!''' :''[Mama turns off the TV with the remote.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': What? :'''Sister Bear''': But, Mama! :'''Mama Bear''': No, sir! I mean it. :'''Sister Bear''': Papa, Mama told us we can't watch TV for a whole week! :'''Papa Bear''': Your Mama's got a point. You two cubs have been watching far too much television lately. Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to catch some of the hockey playoffs. ''[Mama takes the TV remote from Papa.]'' Huh? :'''Mama Bear''': ''[to Papa]'' You too, Papa! ''[then to the rest of her family]'' For once, the whole family is going to be TV-free! :'''Papa Bear''': Oh...! :'''Brother Bear''': Oh...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': ''[sees a wrestling show while in his workshop]'' Oh! I didn't see that coming! :'''Mama Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' And you didn't see me coming! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': I think we should end the TV-ban on account of bad weather. :'''Mama Bear''': Rain or no rain. No TV for a week means no TV for a week. :'''Brother Bear''': What are we supposed to do for fun? :'''Mama Bear''': How about cracking open a good book? :'''Brother Bear''': Okay. ''[grabs a television guide]'' :'''Mama Bear''': That's the television guide. :'''Brother Bear''': But it's still reading. ''[looks at the television guide]'' Oh, guess what movie is on TV tonight! :'''Sister Bear''': What? :'''Brother Bear''': Honey, I shrunk the cubs! :'''Sister Bear''': That's a classic! ''[to Mama]'' Mama, you have to let us watch that! :'''Mama Bear''': I'm sorry, Brother and Sister, but the only way to break the "TV-watching-habit" is to keep the TV off. :'''Cubs''': Aw! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': We'll go here, and here. :'''Sister Bear''': Don't forget this house. They always give out Crispy Squares. :'''Brother Bear''': Mm-mmm, love those Crispy Squares. :'''Mama Bear''': What are you cubs up to? :'''Brother Bear''': It's a trick-or-treat map. :'''Sister Bear''': We're figuring out which houses to visit tonight. :'''Brother Bear''': We're going to Farmer Ben's house and then Mrs. Grizzle's; she usually makes special Halloween cookies. :'''Sister Bear''': And then Teacher Jane's. She gives out good stuff. :'''Brother Bear''': And we'll go to Dr. Grizzly's house, even though she gives out healthy snacks. :'''Sister Bear''': Just to be polite. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Sister Bear''': And then Gramps and Gran. They always have lots of candy for us. :'''Mama Bear''': Hmm, it looks like you missed Widder Jones' house. :'''Brother Bear''': Oh, we did that on purpose. :'''Mama Bear''': You did? Why? :'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Mama; talking about Widder Jones]'' Because she's a witch! :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, nonsense! She's very sweet and kindhearted. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[confused]'' Mama, I'm talking about the Widder Jones who lives on Crooked Lane. That Widder Jones. :'''Mama Bear''': Yes, I know who you mean. We take a quilting class together. She's very friendly and helpful. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[whispering to Sister Bear]'' Until she turns you into a statue. :'''Mama Bear''': In fact, I saw her at the market today. She's preparing a very special treat for all the trick-or-treaters. And when you get home, I want to hear that you've paid Widder Jones a visit. Remember not to judge someone by their appearance. :'''Sister Bear''': So are we going there? :'''Brother Bear''': I guess so. You knock, and I'll wait by the road. :'''Sister Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' No way! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skuzz''': We're going to put the trick back in Trick or Treating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Mama wouldn't be friends with a witch now, would she? :'''Brother Bear''': Hmm, I suppose you're right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': It’s Too Tall and his boys! They’re not here for the Treats, just the tricks! :'''Widder Jones''': I understand perfectly! And I am more than happy to oblige. Watch this! :''[Widder Jones pulls a rope, Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz pop out of a bush and Vampire bats swarm them.]'' :'''Too Tall''': Watch out! Vampire bats! They’re after us! :'''Smirk''': Aah! Get away! :'''Skuzz''': Aah! They’re gonna get us! :'''All''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Wow! That’ll teach them! :'''Lizzy''': But, they’re still coming back! :'''Widder Jones''': Maybe they wants some more tricks! :''[Widder Jones pulls another rope, Too-Tall and his gang pop out from behind a tree, as ghosts appear.]'' :'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': Ghosts! ''[screaming]''. :'''All''': ''[Laughing]''. :'''Widder Jones''': So, Brother. How would you like to play the final trick! :'''Brother Bear''': Okay. :'''Widder Jones''': Just turn this on and watch the fun! :'''Brother''': 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! ''[Flicks a switch]'' :'''Skuzz''': This isn't much fun as I thought it would be! :''[Suddenly, skeletons appear out of nowhere.]'' :'''Too-Tall and his Gang''': ''[screaming]''. :'''Too-Tall''': Let’s get out of here! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES. Let's go home. Mommy Daddy? :'''All''': ''[laughing]''. ===''The Trouble With Money / The Double Dare'' [1.6]=== :'''Mama Bear''': Sometimes when people are so busy working hard, they can forget about other important things in their lives. :'''Papa Bear''': Even mamas and papas forget about very important things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': I guess I've been too busy. :'''Cousin Fred''': That's a surprise! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Brother, Brother! :'''Brother Bear''': What's the matter, Sister? :'''Sister Bear''': Too-Tall and his gang, took my [[w:jump rope|jump rope]]! I tried to get it back. But they wouldn't give it to me! :'''Brother Bear''': '''THREE AGAINST ONE! AND YOU'RE HALF THEIR SIZE! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!''' :'''Sister Bear''': You think you can get it back for me? :''[Brother --angrily-- runs off to the park to find the too-tall the bully. And two friends Smirk and Skuzz.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[about the bully]'' '''JUST TRY AND STOP ME! (AND THEY BETTER GIVE IT BACK OR ELSE!)''' :''[He goes off --snarling to himself-- after saying this. And he threatens that he's going to let Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz have it if they don't give Sister back her jump rope. In fact, he thinks about letting Too-Tall the bully. And-his two friends Smirk and Skuzz-- have it right now.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Too-Tall the bully. And his two friends Smirk and Skuzz had stolen Sister's jump rope-- is jumping with Sister's jump rope. That is, until Brother showed up.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': Tell you what, Brother! You want it back? Come and get it! :'''Brother Bear''': All right! I'll do that! :''[Brother attempts to cross the log bridge over a stream.]'' :'''Skuzz''': ''[to Brother about his attempts to cross the log bridge over the stream]'' '''ONE FALSE MOVE AND YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A CHILLY SWIM!''' :''[As Skuzz says this, he says it as if to mean he wouldn't care if Brother had a "chilly swim", caught a cold from it, and got called out sick so he wouldn't have to go to school. All he does care is that he knows Brother might not make it across the log bridge to retrieve Sister's jump rope from Too-Tall.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': Look, guys! I think he's chicken! :''[Smirk and Skuzz imitate chickens.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': I AM NOT CHICKEN! :'''Too-Tall''': Then we dare you to cross! :'''Brother Bear''': You're on! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to Brother, Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz at a field of sheep.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': Get ready, Brother. We're going to take a little shortcut across this field. :'''Brother Bear''': What's so fun about that? :''[Too-Tall Smirk and Skuzz laugh.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': There's a [[w:ram|ram]] in the flock with a bad temper. :'''Smirk''': With fast legs. :'''Skuzz''': And big horns. :'''Smirk''': They don't call him Bruiser for nothing. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Maybe I'll take the long way around. :'''Too-Tall''': That's the chicken route. :''[Smirk and Skuzz imitate chickens.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': I told you. I'm not chicken! :'''Too-Tall''': Then we dare you to take the shortcut! :'''Brother Bear''': Alright! I'll go! :'''Too-Tall''': That's what we like to hear! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Farmer Ben --unnoticed at first-- uses himself like a scarecrow. Brother Bear and the big cubs --Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz-- think he's a scarecrow --and that there's a real scarecrow in the watermelon patch-- in the spite of that. That is, although they fail to notice him. He uses himself as a scarecrow --having his eyes shut, arms spread out, feet together, and his face like a scarecrow's face-- in the middle of the watermelon patch. That is, as if there really is a scarecrow in his patch. So Farmer Ben --striking the pose-- pretends to be a scarecrow. Brother --after picking out the biggest and greenest skinned watermelon-- gets the melon off the vine, breaks the stem off of it, and picks it up. But when he picks up the melon, Farmer Ben moves a little by smiling. Then he opens his eyes, makes his mouth into an "O" shape, and --offscreen-- undoes his scarecrow pose. Then he --as if returning back to his normal self-- runs up to Brother and catches him.]'' :'''Farmer Ben''': '''GOTCHA!''' :''[Brother Bear tries to run away --only to be tightly grabbed by Farmer Ben.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': '''HELP! LET ME GO!''' :''[The scene cuts to Too-Tall the bully. And his two friends --Smirk and Skuzz. When they see that Brother is caught by Farmer Ben, they run away.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': '''RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!''' :''[Too-Tall and his friends run away screaming. Farmer Ben does not notice Too-Tall the bully. And his friends --Smirk and Skuzz-- but he talks to Brother about the dee-double dare incident. And he --Farmer Ben-- is unaware that Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz are invading his melon patch again.]'' :'''Farmer Ben''': '''BROTHER BEAR! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING STEALING [[w:watermelon|WATERMELONS]] WITH TOO-TALL AND HIS NO GOOD GANG?!''' :''[As Farmer Ben says this, he wants to know what in the Earth Brother Bear --stealing Too-Tall-- is doing with that watermelon.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': First they dared me, then they double dared me, '''AND FINALLY, THEY DEE DOUBLE DARED ME!''' :'''Farmer Ben''': That dee double dare is so hard to resist. :'''Brother Bear''': I wanted to walk away. But then they called me chicken! I'm sorry, Farmer Ben. :'''Farmer Ben''': Well, it's okay, Brother. It's not your fault. I'm not going to call in and tell your parents about this one watermelon stealing mistake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother comes back to Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz with a watermelon slice that Farmer Ben gave him.]'' :'''Too-Tall''': Brother?! You got away with it! And you got the watermelon. :'''Skuzz''': Way to go. :'''Smirk''': You're the man! :'''Too-Tall''': Come on, we're going to have more fun at the Widder Jones' house. :'''Brother Bear''': No way. :'''Too-Tall''': ''[as he and his gang stops walking]'' Oh, really? well, I dare you to come with us. :'''Brother Bear''': Not this time. :'''Too-Tall''': Okay, then, I double dare you. :'''Brother Bear''': Nope. Not interested. :'''Too-Tall''': What the matter? Chicken? :''[Smirk and Skuzz imitate chickens.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': I'm not [[w:chicken|chicken]], and I'm not a [[w:sheep|sheep]] either. :'''Too-Tall''': Okay Brother...! '''I DEE DOUBLE DARE YOU TO COME WITH US TO THE WIDDER JONES'S HOUSE!''' :'''Brother Bear''': That stuff may have worked before, but it won't now! :''[But Brother --considering the consequences if he goes-- says "No". That is, after he says this. In the spite of that, he heads back to the house.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': See you later. I'm going home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Farmer Ben''': ''[To the trios Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz]'' '''TOO-TALL!''' :''[Farmer Ben, he approaches the gang.]'' :'''Farmer Ben''': ''[continues]'' '''IF I CATCH YOU OR ANY OF YOUR GANG IN MY WATERMELON PATCH AGAIN, YOUR PARENTS ARE GOING TO HEAR FROM ME! NOW GET ON HOME!''' :'''Smirk''': ''[stammers heavily]'' We're sorry, Farmer Ben. :'''Skuzz''': ''[also stammering heavily]'' Thank you, Farmer Ben. It'll never happen again. :'''Too-Tall''': Please don't tell our parents! :'''Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz''': ''[All screaming]'' MOMMY DADDY? :'''Farmer Ben''': ''[chuckles]'' Those cubs make my chickens look tough. :''[In the book adaptation, it was Two-Ton Grizzly --Too-Tall's papa-- who saved Brother. The narration of the page reads, "He looked like Too-Tall. But he was much, much, much bigger. It was Too-Tall's papa Two-Ton Grizzly. 'Wha, wha, what is up, Pop?', asked Too-Tall. 'What is up', growled Two-Ton, 'it was a little phone call that I had from Farmer Ben about you!'. 'And', he added as he turned to the gang, 'if I hear about any more shenanigans, all of your parents are going to hear from me! Now get on home!'". But in the cartoon, Farmer Ben saved Brother. And he was the one who talked to Too-Tall, Smirk, and Skuzz about the dee-double dare incident. However, in both adaptations, the "warning" phrase was the same --Two-Ton in the book/Farmer Ben in the cartoon-- which was, "...all of your parents are going to hear from me!". In this version --the book-- Farmer Ben said, "TOO-TALL, SMIRK, AND SKUZZ! IF I EVER CATCH YOU IN MY WATERMELON PATCH AGAIN, ALL OF YOUR PARENTS ARE GOING TO HEAR FROM ME! NOW GET ON HOME!".) ===''Out For The Team / Count Their Blessings'' [1.7]=== :'''Lenny''': Wouldn't it be funny if Sister made the team and you didn't? :''[Brother falls into a pond. Sister Lenny and Lizzy rush over to him]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Are you okay, Brother? :'''Brother Bear''': Yes. :'''Lenny''': Smooth move, Brother! :'''Brother Bear''': I won't have to worry about [[w:pond|ponds]], [[w:chicken|chickens]], and baseball-eating [[w:goat|goats]] when I make the [[w:cardinal|Cardinals]]! :'''Lenny''': You mean ''if'' you make the Cardinals. <hr width= "50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Why did Sister sign up for baseball tryouts anyway? Why couldn't she be good at something else? Baseball's my game, not hers. :'''Sister Bear''': Hey! I thought you couldn't lift your arm! :'''Brother Bear''': Huh? Oh no. It's my left arm that hurts. :'''Sister Bear''': No, it isn't. :'''Brother Bear''': Yes, it is. I should know it's my arm. :'''Sister Bear''': I'm going to ask Mama. She'll remember. :'''Brother Bear''': Wait, wait. ''[sighs]'' Okay, I was faking. :'''Sister Bear''': You were? Why? :'''Brother Bear''': If you really want to know, it's because i'm afraid you're going to make the team and not me. :'''Sister Bear''': Do you really think I'm that good? :'''Brother Bear''': You really improved this season. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': Well, Mama. It feels good to have raised two star athletes! :'''Mama Bear''': It sure does, Papa. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': I know what I'm going to have to listen to when Sister gets home: "Gee, Mama, Lizzie has so many Bearbie dolls. She even has Cruise Ship Bearbie with outfits. Why can't I have more Bearbies than one? And that's just Lizzie." :'''Papa Bear''': Hmm, talking to yourself, huh? Certainly not a very good sign. You're being silly. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighs]'' You're right. I am being silly. But Sister is playing Bearbies with Lizzy again and I know exactly what's going to happen when she gets home. :'''Papa Bear''': Oh, what's that? :'''Mama Bear''': It's the same every time. She complains she doesn't have all the things her friends have. With Lizzie, it's Bearbies. With Anna, it's a phone in her bedroom. And Queenie has a TV and a phone in her room. :'''Papa Bear''': Hey, I don't even have a TV in my room! Hmm. But Sister does have a Bearbie and a whole lot of things her friends don't have. :'''Mama Bear''': I know, but she just thinks about what she doesn't have. :'''Papa Bear''': And I suppose it won't be as much different with Brother when he gets home from Cousin Fred's. :'''Mama Bear''': We'll hear all about the video games Freddy has. :'''Papa Bear''': Right, but he won't talk about the soccer ball or action figures he does have. :'''Mama Bear''': Never mind the large pile of comic books up in his room. :'''Papa Bear''': Nope, he won't mention those at all. :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, you missed a spot. :'''Papa Bear''': Hey! How did I end up with this job? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': Cubs... Cubs... Cubs! :'''Mama Bear''': Listen to yourselves. All you can do is complain about what you don't have. :'''Papa Bear''': What about being thankful for all the things you do have? :'''Cubs''': Huh? :'''Mama Bear''': It's called counting your blessings. :'''Sister Bear''': Blessings? :'''Brother Bear''': Like what? ===''The Slumber Party / The Homework Hassle'' [1.8]=== :'''Queenie''': Did I hear you say you're having a [[w:slumber party|slumber party]]? Can I come? :'''Lizzy''': Sure you can come. What's one more? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sister arrives to Lizzy's house for her slumber party and rings the doorbell. Lizzy opens the door with a teenage bear named Cindy.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Hi, Lizzy! I... ''[looks at the Cindy]'' Who are you? :'''Lizzy''': Hi, Sister. ''[introducing Cindy]'' This is Cindy. :'''Cindy''': Hello. :'''Sister Bear''': Did you invite her too? :'''Lizzy''': No. My mama and papa have gone out tonight. So Cindy is babysitting. :'''Sister Bear''': ''[gasps]'' Does that mean there's no slumber party?? :'''Cindy''': Mr. and Mrs. Bruin said a slumber party will be okay since it's only a few girls, and I thought it would be fun. We used to have sleepovers all the time when I was a cub. There used to be a lot more giggling than sleeping. :''[The doorbell rings]'' :'''Lizzy''': Hi, Stacey. Hi, Karen. :'''Stacey''': Hello, Lizzy. :'''Cindy''': Stacey? Karen? I thought you it was Anna and Millie who were coming. :'''Lizzy''': Anna and Millie. :'''Sister Bear''': And Stacey and Karen. :''[The doorbell rings again]'' :'''Queenie''': Hi, I'm Queenie. :'''Cindy''': How many girls did you invite? :''[The scene cuts to the living room where the cubs are hanging out]'' :'''Linda''': Tag, Gwen! You're it! :''[Linda and Gwen are playing tag, and they bump onto a stool with a picture frame and a clock. They almost fall, but Cindy catches them.]'' :'''Cindy''': Please no running in the house! :'''Lizzy''': [[w:popcorn|Popcorn's]] ready! :'''Queenie''': Hmm, pretty good! Have some! :''[Queenie starts throwing popcorn at Lizzy and Lizzy throws the popcorn back]'' :'''Lizzy''': Have some more, Queenie! :'''Sister Bear''': I don't think you should throw that anymore. :''[Lizzy and Queenie throw popcorn at Sister and they start a popcorn fight.]'' :'''Cindy''': No throwing! :''[The cubs are having a pillow fight and Millie accidentally knocks over Sister.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Hey! No fair! :''[The cubs look shocked about what happened. Sister smiles regardless and joins in the pillow fight.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Take that! :'''Cindy''': Please don't hit each other! I know it's in fun, but it is not very.... :''[Sister hits Millie with her pillow must be ripped and Queenie opens a soda aluminum can and it fizzies.]'' :'''Queenie''': Uh-oh! :'''Stacey''': Don't just let it fizz, Queenie! :''[Queenie sprays the soda on Stacey.]'' :'''Queenie''': Whoa! :'''Stacey''': Hey! Stop it! :''[Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz burst in]'' :'''Too-Tall''': It looks like we arrived just in time! The party's just getting started! :''[The cubs start jumping on the couch, Since Sister realizes it looks so much fun, she decides to join in.]'' :'''Smirk''': I love a parade! :'''Cindy''': Can you please turn the music down? :'''Too-Tall''': I can't hear you! The music's too loud! :'''Cindy''': That's what I mean! Turn it down! :'''Too-Tall''': What? :'''Cindy''': ''[grunts in frustration.]'' '''QUIET!''' :''[Mr. and Mrs. Bruin arrived home. They're were terrified to find out the mess that Too-Tall, Smirk, Skuzz and the girls made. Then they glare at the Sister, Lizzy, the other girls, and --the bullies-- Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz. Sister and Lizzy guiltily shrug. The scene cuts to outside at nighttime. The sleepover was cancelled, Mr. and Mrs. Bruin called the cub's parents offscreen, Lizzy was sent to bed, and Mama Bear came to take Sister home. The mothers of Sister, the other girls, and --the bullies-- Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz --who attended the sleepover at Lizzy's house-- they scowl at them. That is, as the viewer sees the mothers scowling at them when they pick them up. Echoing from the book, the book version says, "Well, things calmed down pretty quickly after that. The party was cancelled, parents were called, Lizzy was sent to bed - and an angry and disappointed Mama Bear came to take Sister home". As they walk home from Lizzy's house and into the night...!]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[scolds Sister]'' Sister, I am so angry and disappointed. :''[The scene cuts to the treehouse as Mama leads Sister into the treehouse.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[continues]'' You are grounded, young lady. One day in your room and one full week in the house. :''[After Mama leads Sister inside, Sister sadly walks upstairs to her room. Echoing from the book, Sister was doubly grounded. That is, meaning that she was in her room for one day and in the house for one full week. In the book version, it says, "Sister was grounded and sent to bed - doubly grounded, which meant she had to stay in her room for a day and in the house for a week.".]'' :'''Papa Bear''': That bad, huh? :'''Mama Bear''': You should've seen the place! Popcorn stuck to everything, [[w:juice|juice]] spills all over the [[w:carpet|carpet]], [[w:furniture|furniture]] knocked this way and that! It was an absolute disgrace! Everything I said about privilege and responsibility! In one year and out the other! :'''Papa Bear''': Sister does have to share the blame. But it sounds like there were quite a few at this slumber party. Hmm, maybe it was one of those situations where one thing led to another and things got out of control. I’m sure it wouldn't have gotten out of hand if the Bruins had been home. :'''Mama Bear''': If we knew they were going out, we could’ve suggested that Sister attended a sleepover some other time or that the girls had the sleepover here. :'''Papa Bear''': Hmm, but we didn’t. It was our responsibility to call them. And part of the responsibility that comes with the privilege of having cubs. :'''Mama Bear''': So ''we’re'' partially to blame. :'''Papa Bear''': I guess both privilege and responsibility go for parents as well as for cubs. :'''Sister Bear''': ''[out of her room]'' Mama? I know you're really mad. And I know that what I did was wrong. But that's why I need to be not grounded, or maybe just for a little while tomorrow? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The girls make it up by cleaning the living room. Sister, Lizzy, and the other girls make it up. As for Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz, they were grounded by their parents. And they were forced to stay in their rooms for one day and in their treehouses until next Monday. They could only leave their houses to go to school and see their friends during school hours. Sister still makes up for it. In the meantime, Mr. and Mrs. Bruin call Sister and the other girls's parents for a clean-up after they caused the vandalism in their living room from the sleepover. Now the scene cuts to Sister, Lizzy and the other girls who are cleaning up Mr. and Mrs. Bruin's vandalized living room. Sister still makes up for it, even though she was still grounded in the house for the remainder of the week. That is, as well as Lizzy, the other girls, and Too-Tall, Smirk and Skuzz. Sister, she manages to help Lizzy and the other girls clean up. That is, despite the fact she was still grounded for the remainder of the week.]'' :'''Queenie''': This was a good idea for us all to come over and help clean up, Sister. :'''Lizzie''': Hey, I know! Everyone's doing such a good job, we should make this a clean up party! :'''Sister Bear''': Let's not, Lizzy. If you don't mind, I rather not hear the word "party" again for a long time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': ''[echoing the book the episode was based on]'' If you're a bear who loves TV, loud music, and fun, how are you going to get your homework done? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mama after she finds garbage in Brother's brown backpack including a brown apple core and an old banana peel. And --last but not least-- a moldy piece of bread picks up a letter. It's a letter from Teacher Bob. The letter --from Teacher Bob Brother's fifth grade teacher-- reads...!]'' :'''Letter From Teacher Bob''': ''I regret to report that Brother Bear has fallen too far behind with his homework.'' :''Please call me.'' :''Yours truly,'' :''Teacher Bob'' :'''Mama Bear''': Hmm...! What is this? A note? :''[Then Mama reads the letter. She starts it saying...!]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[reading]'' ''Dear parent,'' :''I regret to inform you...!'' :''[Mama pauses, passes the letter to Papa, and Papa reads it. After Papa reads it, Mama looks at Papa, and then she --Mama-- says...!]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Looks like you and I better have a talk with our son! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[before he goes over to Brother, he finishes reading the letter]'' ''Dear parent,'' :''I regret to inform you that Brother Bear has fallen too far behind in his homework.'' :''Please call me.'' :''Yours truly,'' :''Teacher Bob'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': '''EARTH TO BROTHER! EARTH TO BROTHER! THIS IS YOUR PAPA SPEAKING!''' :'''Brother Bear''': Uh, Freddy. I gotta go. I'll call you later, bye. ''[hangs up the phone and looks at Papa]'' Were you saying something, Papa? I wasn't quite reading you. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[takes the headphones off Brother]'' '''YOU'RE NOT READING MUCH OF ANYTHING, ACCORDING TO THIS LETTER FROM YOUR TEACHER!''' :'''Brother Bear''': I, uh! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[calmly, but sternly]'' It says here "You've fallen way behind in your [[w:homework|homework]]". :'''Sister Bear''': Maybe Brother's too busy with other things, like girls. :'''Brother Bear''': I am not! :'''Mama Bear''': Sister, that's quite enough. :'''Brother Bear''': Yes! Go and do your own homework! :'''Sister Bear''': I'm already done! :'''Brother Bear''': That's because your homework is easy! :'''Sister Bear''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''IS TOO!''' :'''Mama Bear''': Stop that now, both of you. Let's figure out what the problem is. :'''Brother Bear''': I'll tell you what the problem is: I have too much homework! There's English and math and there's science and history and... Oh...! Every subject for every day until it's coming out of my ears! :'''Papa Bear''': Is that so? Have you been doing your homework every day? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, ''[chuckles]'' not really. :'''Papa Bear''': If you do a little bit of homework every day, it wouldn't pile up to a [[w:mountain|mountain]] of work! And that is what you have here! (Be done with your homework too fast and you may still fall behind! That is, even if you get a 4.0 GPA on your report card on all 3 quarters --fall, winter and spring! I mean, "Be done with your homework too fast and you might still fall behind, even if you get a 4.0 GPA on your report card and next tests"!) :'''Mama Bear''': I'm afraid Papa's right! So there are going to have to be some changes around here! :'''Brother Bear''': Like what? :'''Papa Bear''': Like no more [[w:music|music]], no more [[w:TV|TV]], no more talking on the [[w:phone|phone]]...! :'''Sister Bear''': What about [[w: video game|video games]], Papa? :'''Papa Bear''': And no more video games until you get caught up with your homework! :'''Brother Bear''': But you don't understand! That will take forever! :'''Papa Bear''': Then you better get started! (And no more getting done with your homework too fast! That is, or you are still put behind! You are behind, even if you get an "A" on your next report card! An "A" still gets you a "C" or "D"!) :''[According to Papa's saying, Brother only has an "A" in fifth grade because he is passing his math, science, history, language arts and art tests. That is, without cheating. But according to Teacher Bob, in the spite of that, even if he --Brother-- gets a 4.0 GPA on his next report card, it still puts him behind. And he --for every subject except physical education-- still gets a "C" or "D" in fifth grade. That is, and if that keeps up --and if he doesn't pick up his grades to at least a "B"-- he might have to be held back in fifth grade and/or take summer school.) :'''Brother Bear''': Oh... :'''Papa Bear''': Where are you going? :'''Brother Bear''': I'm just going outside to see the sunlight and smell the fresh air one last time. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Gramps''': Well, you might ask Teacher Bob to give you a catch-up period. I think he should go along with that. He's a pretty good guy. :'''Brother Bear''': That's a good idea! But the first thing I have to do is go home and get some of it done today. :'''Gramps''': That's the spirit! :'''Brother Bear''': If Papa can do it, then so can I. ===''The Talent Show / The Haunted Lighthouse'' [1.9]=== :'''Teacher Bob''': I believe that everyone has a special talent, but sometimes it can take a little help to find out what it is. <hr> :'''Fuzzy''': ''[imitating a groundhog]'' Well? :'''Brother Bear''': A [[w:pig|pig]]? :'''Fuzzy''': [[w:groundhog|Groundhog]]. :'''Brother Bear''': Oh, yeah, groundhog, right. :'''Fuzzy''': Wait, wait, wait! How about this? ''[imitates a pig]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Uh, groundhog? :'''Fuzzy''': Pig! :'''Brother Bear''': Ah, great, Fuzzy. What other animal impressions can you do? :'''Fuzzy''': ''[gasps]'' That's it. :'''Brother Bear''': How about a [[w:cattle|cow]], or maybe a [[w:horse|horse]], or... :'''Fuzzy''': Nope, just groundhog and pig. [[w:pickle|Pickle]]? :'''Brother Bear''': Uh, no thanks. I'll get back to you, Fuzzy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': ''[to Too-Tall]'' You want to be in the talent show? :'''Cousin Fred''': Does having the hairiest knuckles count as a talent? :'''Too-Tall''': Very funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Hey! there's something outside! :'''Papa Bear''': Huh? :'''Mama Bear''': Huh? :''[They all look outside the window]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Really, something was there! I saw it! It was glowing. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[laughs]'' My guess would be it was your glowing imagination. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': This looks like a job for... :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': The Bear Detectives. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Salt'''ː I am the ghost of the lighthouse keeper! I am... Uh-oh. ===''The Birthday Boy / The Green-Eyed Monster'' [1.10]=== :'''Sister Bear''': ''[Little Lady licks Papa's video camera while Sister is using to do a movie about Brother for her school project]'' Little Lady, no! Hey! No! Stop! :'''Lizzie''': Maybe you can make a movie about Brother. :'''Sister Bear''': What's so special about him? He's just a brother. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Cindy''': My [[w:dog|dog]]'s a special member in my family. Do dogs count? :'''Lizzy''': I once saw a [[w:horse|horse]] at the circus that could count. :'''Teacher Jane''': No dogs or horses. :'''Cindy''': What about [[w:cat|cats]]? :'''Teacher Jane''': No dogs, cats, horses [[w:turtle|turtles]], [[w:frog|frogs]] or [[w:fish|fish]]. Only mamas papas sisters brothers or other bears in your family. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Sister Bear''': Mama, I have to do a project for school about a member of my family. I was thinking about making a movie about you or Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': A movie, huh? That sounds like fun. But we are sort of busy. :'''Mama Bear''': There's a lot to do before Brother's party tomorrow. Why don't you make your movie about him? :'''Sister Bear''': Brother? :'''Brother Bear''': Did somebody call me? :'''Papa Bear''': Hey, no peeking! :'''Brother Bear''': Aw! I'm going to Cousin Fred's! See you later! :'''Mama Bear''': No skateboarding in the house! And be home for dinner! :'''Brother Bear''': Okay! :'''Sister Bear''': There's nothing special about him. He's just my brother. :'''Mama Bear ''': You might be surprised. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next day is Brother's birthday. After singing happy birthday, Brother is opening his gifts.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Wow! A new [[w:basketball|basketball]]! Thanks! Nice wrapping job, Papa. :''' Sister Bear''': Happy Birthday, Brother! :'''Brother Bear''': I bet I know what this is! My very favorite movie of all time! Bear Force 1! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Nope. :'''Brother Bear''': Grizzly Justice? :'''Sister Bear''': ''[nods her head no as it's neither of those.]'' It's called My hero The birthday boy. :'''Mama Bear''': Why don't we watch it? :'''Brother Bear''': Uh.. ''[chuckles nervously]'' Gee. I really don't know if... :'''Everyone''': Show it! Show it! Show it! :''[The scene cuts to Brother, Sister, Mama, Papa, Lizzy, Cousin Freddy and Fuzzy watching the video tape Sister created]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[on the TV]'' He's the best Brother anyone could have in the whole wide world. He's my hero. :''[Everyone claps for Sister]'' :'''Brother Bear''': That was great, Sister. Thanks. ''[kisses Sister]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Showing someone how you feel about them can be the greatest gift of all. :'''Papa Bear''': And you don't even have to wrap it. :''[Sister takes the video tape out of the DVD player]'' :'''Brother Bear''': You're taking back my present? :'''Sister Bear''': Just for a little bit. I have to take it to class to show Teacher Jane. :'''Brother Bear''': Well, I don't know what grade you'll get from her, but from me you get an A+. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': Your car is running, Mr. Bruin. :'''Mr. Bruin''': Yes, I guess I should be happy it's running at all. :'''Mama Bear''': No, Mr. Bruin, he means it's running away! :'''Mr Bruin''': What? ''[realizes his car is rolling down hill]'' Oh no! Not again! Gotta go! I'll pick you up later, Lizzie! :'''Lizzie''': Okay, bye, Papa! ''[to Sister]'' Maybe after Brother is finished riding his [[w: bicycle|bike]], you can borrow it, and I can ride your bike. :'''Sister Bear''': Probably not. Brother doesn't let anyone ride his bike. Not even me! :'''Brother Bear''': ''[imitating a car while riding his bike around the front yard but is about to fall off because it's outgrown. Luckily Papa catches Brother]'' '''WHOA!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Is the green-eyed monster still knocking, Papa? :'''Papa Bear''': Yes, but I'm not going to let him in. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Green-Eyed Monster''': ''[to Sister]'' Don't you think it's not fair that Brother gets the pretty bike and you get an old bike?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': I did it! ''[riding on Brother's bicycle]'' I knew this bike wasn't too big for... ''[realizes that she can't reach the pedals because the bike is too big]'' Uh-oh! ===''The Baby Chipmunk / The Wishing Star'' [1.11]=== :'''Sister Bear''': ''[to Brother about the chipmunk she found]'' It looks like a little [[w:mouse|mouse]]. :'''Brother Bear''': That's not a mouse, that's a [[w:chipmunk|chipmunk]]. :'''Papa Bear''': You're right, Brother. And a baby one too. It looks brand new. :'''Mama Bear''': His eyes are barely open. :'''Sister Bear''': A little baby! Aw! It's so cute! :'''Brother Bear''': And so teeny. :''[Sister tries to pet the chipmunk, but Papa stops her]'' :'''Papa Bear''': No, Sister. You shouldn't touch him. :'''Sister Bear''': But I want to take him into the house! :'''Papa Bear''': Chipmunks belong outdoors, not in the house. :'''Sister Bear''': But it's just a baby, Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': All the more reason to leave him outside. He belongs with his mama. We better move away so she can find her baby. :'''Sister Bear''' ''[sadly]'' Okay. ''[to the chipmunk]'' Bye-bye, baby chipmunk. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Come on, Sister! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': It's going to be dark soon. :'''Sister Bear''': So can we take the chipmunk inside then? :'''Papa Bear''': ''[sternly]'' Now, Sister, remember what I said? Chipmunks belong outside. :'''Sister Bear''': I know, but he's just a little baby. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[looks at the stormy clouds]'' Well, it does look like [[w:rain|rain]]. Okay, but only because it's going to rain. :'''Sister Bear''': Yay! ''[hugs Papa]'' :'''Papa Bear''': And only for tonight. :'''Mama Bear''': We'll keep an eye out for his mama. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Mama, what do baby chipmunks eat? :'''Mama Bear''': Like most babies, they milk from their mamas. But since we don't have a mama chipmunk, we're going to have to improvise. Sister, you run upstairs to get one of your doll's baby bottles, ''[to Brother]'' And Brother, you find something for the chipmunk to sleep in. I'll fix him something to eat. :''[Mama goes in the kitchen to make something for the chipmunk]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[to the chipmunk]'' How does a little warm [[w:milk|milk]] and [[w:honey|honey]] sound? :'''Papa Bear''': Delicious! But I thought we were having [[w:maple|mapled]] cured [[w:salmon|salmon]] tonight. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[laughs]'' It's for the chipmunk, silly. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, in that case, milk and honey sounds fine. <hr width="50"/> :'''Sister Bear''': All Brown Eyes does is eat and sleep. :'''Mama Bear''': Well, that's what babies do. When they aren't eating and sleeping, ... :'''Sister Bear''': ''[giggles]'' They're sleeping and eating. :'''Mama Bear''': Exactly. :'''Sister Bear''': Babies and papas. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey! I heard that! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[giggles]'' I love you, Brown Eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Bear''': They say the first star you see at night you can make a wish on. That's why it's called the wishing star. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': It's really amazing how hard work and determination can magically give you what you deserve. ===''Get the Gimmies / Lost In A Cave'' [1.12]=== :'''Mama Bear''': When a cub's behavior takes a turn for the worst, it's hard for parents to know what to do first. :'''Sister Bear''': Did you bring the shopping list, Papa? :'''Papa Bear''': ''[grabs the shopping list out]'' I got it right here. It's a long one today. :'''Sister Bear''': I hope the new [[w:peanut butter|peanut butter]] and [[w:jelly|jelly]] all-in one jar is on the list! :'''Brother Bear''': And the new purple catsup! :'''Papa Bear''': Purple catsup? Who ever heard of purple catsup? :'''Mama Bear''': If it's new, the cubs have heard of it. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[sighs]'' And want to buy it. :''[When they get in the store]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Now, remember what I told you in the car. We're here to buy groceries, that's all, so no asking for toys and treats. Is that understood? ''[realizes the cubs have wondered off]'' Huh? :'''Papa Bear''': Uh-oh, it looks like we're off to a bad start. :''[The cubs look at the vending machines filled with rainbow gob-busters, spy bear decoder rings and bearbie stickers.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Wow! Rainbow gob-busters! :'''Sister Bear''': Cool! :'''Brother Bear''': Check this out, Sister! They have spy bear decoder rings! :'''Sister Bear''': And bearbie stickers! :''[Mama clears throat]'' :'''Brother Bear''': I want one of those [[w:ring|rings]], Mama. :'''Sister Bear''': I want some [[w:sticker|stickers]]. :'''Mama Bear''': What did I just tell you on the way here? :'''Brother Bear''': Uh... Um... Well, uh... :'''Sister Bear''': Um, I forget. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighs]'' That we're not here to buy treats. Now come along. ''[The cubs walk to Mama, and she looks at the donation displays]'' Why, isn't that nice? :'''Papa Bear''': Mm-hmm. It's a fine idea. :'''Brother Bear''': What's a fine idea? :'''Mama Bear''': The store has put these donation displays here to remind everyone to give to the different charities in our community. :'''Papa Bear''': You two might think about donating some of the toys you've outgrown to the Sick Cubs [[w: hospital|Hospital]]. :'''Brother Bear''': Hey! What's that? :'''Sister Bear''': Oh! :''[The cubs run to the treat place]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Look! New [[w: marshmallow|marshmallow]]-[[w: chocolate|chocolate]] bears! :''[Brother and Sister each take one marshmallow chocolate bear off the shelf]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Can we have one? Please, please! :'''Mama Bear''': You know the answer. Now put those back. :'''Brother Bear''': Aw, okay. ''[puts his marshmallow chocolate bear back on the shelf]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[sighs]'' Alright. ''[puts her marshmallow chocolate bear back on the shelf, then she and Brother sadly walk away]'' :'''Mama Bear''': I can see that this shopping trip is going to be the same as all the others. :'''Papa Bear''': Hmm! Marshmallow and chocolate. ''[Mama grabs his shoulder]'' Oh! :''[The scene cuts to Mama and Papa in an aisle of jars of honey]'' :'''Papa Bear''': Hmm, two jars of [[w:honey|honey]]! :'''Mama Bear''': Two? I only have one on my list. :'''Papa Bear''': We do go through a lot of honey, honey. :'''Mama Bear''': ''You'' go through a lot of honey, honey. I think one jar is enough. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[shows Mama a big jar of honey]'' How about this one? ''[licks his lips]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Papa! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[chuckles]'' Okay, it's true what they say about grocery shopping. ''[puts the big honey jar back]'' You should never do it on an empty stomach. :'''Brother Bear''': Wow! Neat! Glow-in-the-dark flyers! This would be lots of fun to play with at night! Can I get it? :'''Mama Bear''': No! I've told you not more than ten minutes ago that... :'''Sister Bear:''': ''[bringing a bouncy apple]'' Mama? Papa? Can I get this? :'''Papa Bear''': An [[w:apple|apple]]? Sure! :'''Sister Bear''': Thanks! ''[bounces the bouncy apple on the ground]'' :'''Papa Bear''': Oh, careful now! You'll bruise it! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[bounces the bouncy apple again]'' It's not a real apple, Papa. It's bouncy fruit. Neat, huh? They've got bouncy [[w:orange fruit|oranges]], bouncy [[w:pear|pears]] and bouncy [[w:banana|bananas]]. :'''Brother Bear''': Hey, if Sister can have bouncy fruit, then, ''[holds up the glow-in-the-dark flyer]'' then I can have this! :''[Mama takes the toys away from Brother and Sister.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Now listen, you two. It's not your [[w:birthday|birthday]] and it's not [[w:Christmas|Christmas]] and it's not "Give Your Cubs a Treat" day, so you can put these toys back right now. :'''Cubs''': Aw! :'''Papa Bear''': Give Your Cubs a Treat Day? When's that? :'''Mama Bear''': There's no such thing, but the way Brother and Sister carry on, you think it was every day of the year. :''[The scene cuts to the checkout section, while Brother and Sister go and look at the candy aisle]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Mmm, look at all the [[w:candy|candy]]! :'''Brother Bear''': I know. It's hard to know what to pick. Ask Mama if we can get something. :'''Sister Bear''': You ask. :'''Brother Bear''': No, you ask. :'''Sister Bear''' We'll both ask. :'''Brother Bear''' Okay. :'''Cubs''' Mama, can we get something? :'''Mama Bear''' Yes you can. I forgot to pick up scouring pads. Could you hurry over to aisle 3 and get a package? :'''Cubs''': Aw! :''[The scene cuts to outside of the store]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Well, that was a fun trip. :'''Sister Bear''': I know. We spent all that time grocery shopping, and all we got were groceries. :'''Brother Bear''': Wait a minute, look! :'''Guy''': Aw, come on, folks, Get your adorable kitty [[w:cat|cats]] here, folks! They're cute, they're cuddly, and they won't last long! :'''Papa Bear''': They won't last long, alright. They'll probably break in less than an hour. :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, Papa. :'''Brother Bear''': I want one, mister! :'''Sister Bear''': Me too! :'''Guy''': Here you go, cubs. :'''Brother Bear''': These are great! :'''Sister Bear''': These are cool! :'''Papa Bear''': Now, just hold on! We didn't come here to buy toys. :'''Mama Bear''': Papa's right. Remember what I told you about buying toys and treats? :'''Brother Bear''': But that was when we were getting our groceries. We're finished now. :'''Sister Bear''': And look at how cute they are! Please, please, please! Can we get them? :'''Guy''': Oh, come on, folks. Why don't you buy your cubs a treat? :'''Sister Bear''': Oh, Papa, I'd appreciate it ever, ever so much! :'''Woman''': Oh, my, she is such an adorable little cub! :'''Man''': How could you say no to a face like that? :'''Papa Bear''': But... I... '''OH! ALL RIGHT!''' ''[grumbles while giving the guy money]'' :'''Guy''': Thank you very much, sir, and have a great day. :'''Papa Bear''': You’re welcome. :'''Brother Bear''': Thanks, Papa! :'''Sister Bear''': Thank you, Papa! :''[Go back home.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': Of all the shameful, embarrassing, outrageous behavior, that was the worst case of the galloping gimmies I have ever seen! :'''Mama Bear''': You're right, Papa, but perhaps it's partly our fault for giving in. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, what more could we do with all those strangers staring at us? I think it's time we had a talk with our cubs. ''[The cubs walk upstairs. But Papa calls for them; offscreen]'' Brother! Sister! :'''Cubs''': Yes, Papa? :'''Papa Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' Into the living room, please. It's time for a family meeting. :''[The scene cuts to the cubs in the living room, seeing Papa for a family meeting.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': There are more important things in this world than getting as many treats that you can get your hands on. Greedy cubs who only think of themselves can never really be happy. Do you know why? :'''Cubs''': No. :'''Papa Bear''': Because you can't have everything you want in life all the time. Do you understand? :'''Cubs''': Yes. :'''Mama Bear''': And furthermore, sometimes it's good to think of others instead of just yourselves. :'''Sister Bear''': Okay. :'''Brother Bear''': We will. :'''Papa Bear''': Good! :''[Gran and Gramps arrive to visit]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, Gran and Gramps are here! :'''[The cubs gasp in excitement, and they run towards the door to ask Gramps and Gran if they brought them anything]'' :'''Gramps''': Hi, there! :'''Brother Bear''': What did you bring us? :'''Sister Bear''': Yeah, what did you bring us? :'''Papa Bear''': ''[scolds the cubs]'' '''I can't believe you two! You didn't even say hello! "THAT'S IT! UP TO YOUR ROOM!''' ''[Brother and Sister sadly head upstairs to their room]'' '''AND THERE WILL BE NO TREATS FOR A WEEK! A MONTH! A YEAR!''' :'''Gramps''': You having a bad day, son? :'''Papa Bear''': I'm sorry about the unpleasant welcome, but Sister and Brother have had a bad case of the greedy galloping gimmies. :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, the worst case yet! :'''Gramps''': Worst case, huh? I think I have seen worse. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, I am not quite surprised. They've probably made quite a spectacle of themselves over at your house. :'''Gramps''': I was talking about you, actually. :'''Papa Bear''': Me? I had the gimmies? :''[Brother and Sister are out of their rooms, wondering what Mama, Papa, Gran, and Gramps are talking about.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Papa had the gimmies? :'''Gramps''': Yep, I am afraid it's true. But you turned around, eventually. :'''Gran''': I remember the day it happened. :'''Gramps''': So do I. It was at old Rufe Grizzly's General Store. ''[Cut to a flashback]'' We were buying our groceries, and you got the gimmies. :'''Gran''': You made such a fuss over a truck that it was downright embarrassing. :''[Cut back to reality]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Like how we fussed about those kitty cats. :'''Sister Bear''': And embarrassed Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, I am glad that you didn't give in. :'''Gramps''': Oh, I am afraid that we did. :'''Papa Bear''': Oh? :''[Cut back to the flashback]'' :'''Gramps''': You got what you wanted that day, but then as we were leaving, you noticed a family that barely had enough to put food on the counter. Seeing those folks and how little they had somehow got you to thinking. :''[The flashback ends]'' :'''Papa Bear''': And I gave that cub my [[w:truck|truck]]! I remember that! :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, I love that story! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[out loud]'' Me too! Oops. :'''Brother Bear''': We're sorry about how we acted. :'''Sister Bear''': I wish we could just start this whole day over again. :'''Gramps''': Well, we can start part of it over again. ''[to Gran]'' Step outside, dear. :'''Gran''': ''[chuckles]'' Alright. :''[Gramps and Gran walk outside and close the door. Then they knock on the door]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, I wonder who that could be? :''[the cubs laugh]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[opens the door for Gramps and Gran]'' Well, look who's here. Gramps and Gran. :'''Brother Bear''': Hi, Gramps and Gran! :'''Sister Bear''': Hi, Gramps, hi Gran! :'''Gran''': Hello, everyone. :'''Brother Bear''': It sure is good to see you. :'''Sister Bear''': Yes, and if you brought us something, you can just leave it in the car because we're not even thinking about it. :''[Mama, Papa, Gramps, and Gran laugh]'' :'''Sister Bear''': What? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': You never can tell what a cave is going to be like on the inside, just like from what it looks like on the outside. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Look! Wow! Real, live fossils. :'''Cousin Fred''': Maybe a million years ago they were alive! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': Things that seem scary really aren't, once you know what they really are. :'''Cousin Fred''': I know. There's a logical explanation for everything. :'''Brother Bear''': Exactly! ''[his voice echoes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': Our string path turned into a spaghetti lunch for this goat! ===''Too Much Junk Food / Go To Camp'' [1.13]=== :'''Dr. Grizzly''': Exercise is an important part of a healthy lifestyle. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[panting]'' I agree with you, one hundred percent. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': ''[panting]'' Gees, I don't get this tired when I play [[w:baseball|baseball]]. :'''Brother Bear''': Well, you're running much farther than second base, Sis. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brother Bear''': What about Sugarballs? :'''Sister Bear''': And Choco Chums? :'''Papa Bear''': And Sweetsie [[w:cola|Cola]]? :'''Dr. Grizzly''': Sweets and goodies don't give you the kind of nourishment your body needs. :'''Sister Bear''': Are they bad for us? :'''Dr. Grizzly''': Having treats occasionally is fine. If you have too much, they fill you up and you're not hungry for the healthy foods your body needs. :'''Papa Bear''': Well cubs, it's time for us to get our [[w:train|trains]] back on the track. :'''Sister Bear''': You're right, Papa. ''[Sister starts chugging and whistling like a train]'' :'''Papa Bear''': Whoo-whoo! ''[looking back toward Brother; chuckles]'' Get on board, son. Whoo-whoo! :'''Brother Bear''': I... I think I'll walk. I need the exercise. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Papa Bear''': I have an idea. Let's go home, celebrate by opening up the [[w:freezer|freezer]], and... :'''Mama Bear''': ''[cuts him off]'' Uh-uh-uh, it's far too easy to fall back into the junk food habit. :'''Brother Bear''': We'll celebrate with carrot sticks. :'''Sister Bear''': And nuts and raisins. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Do you think this sleep-out is a good idea? :'''Brother Bear''': No. :'''Sister Bear''': Oh, good. :'''Brother Bear''': I think it's a great idea! ==External links== {{wikipedia|The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)}} [[Category:The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series) seasons|1]] [[Category:PBS Kids Tv Shows]] mbgtypd9zfjw7eu3wddnw2tka9tn65c 0 235061 3955185 3854746 2026-06-22T02:52:03Z PaulLim11 3280071 Updated image 3955185 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Booboo Stewart at Nostalgia Con Anaheim 2026.jpg|thumb|Booboo Stewart in 2026]] '''[[w:Booboo Stewart|Nils Allen "Booboo" Stewart Jr.]]''' (January 21, 1994–) is an American actor, singer and visual artist. {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == *Time is truly elastic. If you just rock what you have to do, you'll get it done. And another thing, too, that I learned recently, it kind of put me more at ease with the day-to-day, is just there's some kind of energy and balance and something beautiful in the ups and downs of the day-to-day. You'll get great news and you'll get bad news, and this will all be in the same day, but there's something cohesive and the balance of that is comforting. Learning to be comfortable with the ups and downs of every day and knowing that's just the mystery of life and how it is, you know? **[https://www.popsugar.com/celebrity/booboo-stewart-last-call-interview-47953476 Booboo Stewart on the Adorable Gift His GF Gave Him and the Last Thing He Watched] (November 9, 2020) == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} *{{official website|https://www.booboostewart.com}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Stewart, Booboo}} [[Category:1994 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Actors from California]] a5vgxxzu4ycecwezpraffs7m1xoat5x 0 237864 3955076 3807810 2026-06-21T15:32:24Z Gimkited 3344049 /* Quotes about Lin Biao */ Reverted edits by WingerBot. If you think that I reverted his edits by mistake go to my talk page 3955076 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Lin Biao book.jpg|thumb|[[Mao Zedong|Comrade Mao Tse-tung]]’s great merit lies in the fact that he has succeeded in integrating the universal truth of [[Marxism–Leninism|Marxism-Leninism]] with the concrete practice of the [[Chinese Civil War|Chinese revolution]] and has enriched and developed Marxism-Leninism by his masterly generalization and summation the experience gained during the Chinese people’s protracted revolutionary struggle.]] [[File:毛泽东与林彪.jpg|thumb|Long live Chairman Mao, great teacher, great leader, great supreme commander and great helmsman. A long life, and a long, long life to him!]] [[File:1967-11_1967年_漫画_毛泽东林彪.jpg|thumb|The 17 years that have elapsed since the founding of the People’s Republic of China have been no ordinary years. They are years which have witnessed earth-shaking changes in China. They are years which have witnessed earthshaking changes in the world as well.]] [[File:Lin biao.jpg|thumb|The pen and gun—these are the two props on which one relies in the seizure of political power.]] '''[[w:Lin Biao|Lin Biao]]''' ([[w:Simplified Chinese|Simplified Chinese]]: 林彪; pinyin: Lín Biāo; born [[December 5]], [[1907]] - [[September 13]], [[1971]]) was a [[China|Chinese]] politician and Marshal of the People's Republic of China, who was considered a close associate and heir of [[Mao Zedong]] until his death in a plane crash in [[Mongolia]] on 1971, after attempting to flee following a botched [[coup]] against Mao. ==Quotes== * The [[w:Red_Guards_(China)|Red Guards]] and other [[Revolution|revolutionary]] organizations of the young people in the [[Universities|colleges]] and [[Education|middle schools]] are the shook force fighting in the van in the great [[Cultural Revolution|cultural revolution]], and a powerful reserve force of the [[People's Liberation Army|People’s Liberation Army]]. ** "Quotation from Vice-Chairman Lin Piao", in Huazhong Normal University Revolutionary Committee, "五.七" 汉英词语汇编 The May 7 Collection of Terms & Expressions (Chinese-English) (Wuhan, 1968), pp. 203-230 * Our attitude towards [[Imperialism|imperialist]] [[War of aggression|wars of, aggression]] has always been clear-cut. First, we are against them, and secondly, we are not afraid of them. We will destroy whoever attacks us. As for revolutionary wars waged by the oppressed nations and peoples, so far from opposing them, we invariably give them firm support and active aid. It has been so in the past, it remains so in present and, when we grow in strength as time goes on, we will give them still more support and aid in the future. It is sheer daydreaming for anyone to think that, since our revolution has been victorious, our national construction is forging ahead, our national wealth is increasing and our living conditions are improving, wo too will lose our revolutionary fighting will, abandon the cause of world revolution and discard [[Marxism–Leninism|Marxism-Leninism]] and [[proletarian]] [[internationalism]]. ** People's China and International Law, Volume 1: A Documentary Study * [[Mao Zedong|Comrade Mao Tse-tung]]’s great merit lies in the fact that he has succeeded in integrating the universal truth of Marxism-Leninism with the concrete practice of the [[Chinese Civil War|Chinese revolution]] and has enriched and developed Marxism-Leninism by his masterly generalization and summation the experience gained during the [[Chinese people]]’s protracted revolutionary struggle. ** Long Live the Victory of the People's War: Red Chinese Blueprint, Lin Biao, pp. 17 * In the last analysis, whether one dares to wage a tit-for-tat struggle against armed aggression and suppression by the imperialists and their lackeys, whether one dares to fight a people’s war against them, means whether ono dares to embark on revolution. This is the most effective touchstone for distinguishing genuine from fake revolutionaries and Marxist-Leninists. ** "Quotation from Vice-Chairman Lin Piao", in Huazhong Normal University Revolutionary Committee, "五.七" 汉英词语汇编 The May 7 Collection of Terms & Expressions (Chinese-English) (Wuhan, 1968), pp. 203-230 * It must be emphasized that Comrade Mao Tse-tung’s theory of the establishment of rural revolutionary base areas and the encirclement of the cities from the countryside is of outstanding and universal., practical importance for the present revolutionary struggles of all the oppressed nations and peoples, and particularly for the revolutionary struggles of the oppressed nations and peoples in [[Asia]], [[Africa]], and [[Latin America]] against imperialism and its lackeys. ** American Foreign Policy, Current Documents (1965), pp. 165 * With political power, the proletariat and the working people will have everything and without political power, they will lose everything. No matter how innumerable are the issues, we must never, forget political power. Forgetting political power means forgetting the fundamental viewpoint of [[Marxism]]. If we do so, we will become muddle headed fools and we will not be able to know how we are killed even when we forfeit our lives. ** Daily Report, Foreign Radio Broadcasts, Issues 191-195, Central Intelligence Agency (October 3, 1966) * If the [[Working class|proletariat]] does not occupy the positions in [[Chinese literature|literature]] and [[Chinese art|art]], the [[bourgeoisie]] certainly will. This is inevitable. And it represents an extremely broad and deep [[Socialism|socialist]] revolution in the realm of [[ideology]]. If things are not done properly, revisionism will prevail. ** [http://www.morningsun.org/stages/lin_biao_summary_arts.html Comrade Lin Piao's Letter to Members of the Standing Committee of the Military Commission of the Party Central Committee (March 22, 1966)] * [[American imperialism|Imperialism headed by the United States]] and modern revisionism with the leadership of the [[Communist Party of the Soviet Union|C.P.S.U.]] as its centre are colluding and actively plotting peace talk swindles for the purpose of stamping out the raging flames of the [[Vietnam|Vietnamese]] people's [[Vietnam War|national revolutionary war]] against [[Foreign policy of the United States|U.S. aggression]], of the national revolutionary struggles in Asian, African and Latin American countries and of the world revolution. ** "Quotation from Vice-Chairman Lin Piao", in Huazhong Normal University Revolutionary Committee, "五.七" 汉英词语汇编 The May 7 Collection of Terms & Expressions (Chinese-English) (Wuhan, 1968), pp. 203-230 * We should regard ourselves as a part of the strength of the revolution and at the same time constantly make ourselves a target of revolution. We should revolutionize ourselves in the revolution. Without doing this is impossible to make the revolution a success. ** "Quotation from Vice-Chairman Lin Piao", in Huazhong Normal University Revolutionary Committee, "五.七" 汉英词语汇编 The May 7 Collection of Terms & Expressions (Chinese-English) (Wuhan, 1968), pp. 203-230 * We should regard ourselves as a part of the strength of the revolution and at the same time constantly make ourselves a target of revolution. We should revolutionize ourselves in the revolution. Without doing this is impossible to make the revolution a success. ** "Quotation from Vice-Chairman Lin Piao", in Huazhong Normal University Revolutionary Committee, "五.七" 汉英词语汇编 The May 7 Collection of Terms & Expressions (Chinese-English) (Wuhan, 1968), pp. 203-230 * The great proletarian- cultural revolution is aimed precisely at eliminating bourgeois ideology, establishing proletarian ideology, remoulding people’s souls, revolutionizing their ideology, digging out the roots of revisionism, and consolidating and developing the socialist system. ** Daily Report, Foreign Radio Broadcasts, Issues 191-195, Central Intelligence Agency (October 3, 1966) * The question now is not whether we do or do not study but whether we can truly grasp and apply what we study. To grasp and apply truly, we must combine study with reality. Only by linking it with reality can we understand it, fix it in our minds and apply it. Without linking it with reality, we cannot understand it, fix it in our minds and apply it. ** "Quotation from Vice-Chairman Lin Piao", in Huazhong Normal University Revolutionary Committee, "五.七" 汉英词语汇编 The May 7 Collection of Terms & Expressions (Chinese-English) (Wuhan, 1968), pp. 203-230 * The most fundamental task in our Party’s political and ideological work is at all times to hold high the great red banner of Mao Tse-tung’s thought, to arm the minds of the people throughout the country with it and to persist in using it to command every field of activity. ' ** "Quotation from Vice-Chairman Lin Piao", in Huazhong Normal University Revolutionary Committee, "五.七" 汉英词语汇编 The May 7 Collection of Terms & Expressions (Chinese-English) (Wuhan, 1968), pp. 203-230 * With the brilliant leadership of Chairman Mao and having mastered Mao Tse-tung’s thought which is the keenest weapon, we will be invincible and all-conquering and will achieve complete victory in the great proletarian cultural revolution! ** "Quotation from Vice-Chairman Lin Piao", in Huazhong Normal University Revolutionary Committee, "五.七" 汉英词语汇编 The May 7 Collection of Terms & Expressions (Chinese-English) (Wuhan, 1968), pp. 203-230 * This revolution is a great revolution, an entirely new and creative revolution, carried out after the seizure of political power by the proletariat. It is to overthrow through struggle the small handful of persons within the [[Chinese Communist Party|Party]] who have been in authority and have taken the [[Capitalism|capitalist]] road； to sweep away all [[ghosts]] and [[Monster|monsters]] in our society, and to break the old [[ideas]], [[culture]], [[customs]] and habits of the [[Ruling class|exploiting classes]] and foster the new ideas, culture, customs and habits of the proletariat, with a view to further consolidating the [[dictatorship of the proletariat]] and developing the [[Socialism|socialist]] system. ** "Quotation from Vice-Chairman Lin Piao", in Huazhong Normal University Revolutionary Committee, "五.七" 汉英词语汇编 The May 7 Collection of Terms & Expressions (Chinese-English) (Wuhan, 1968), pp. 203-230 ==Quotes about Lin Biao== * Lin Biao and the "[[w:Gang of Four|Gang of Four]]" completely deviated from the fundamental principles of [[w:Marxism-Leninism|Marxism-Leninism]] and [[w:Mao Zedong Thought|Mao Zedong Thought]]. Lin Biao also separated Mao Zedong Thought from Marxism-Leninism. This is a serious distortion of Mao Zedong Thought, which is extremely detrimental to our Party and socialist cause, and is extremely detrimental to the international [[Communism|communist]] movement. ** [[Deng Xiaoping]], "Selected Works of Deng Xiaoping" (Volume II). Beijing: People's Publishing House, October 1994 * During the autumn, preparations for [<nowiki/>[[Richard Nixon]]'s] [[1972 visit by Richard Nixon to China|visit to Beijing]] moved rapidly, assisted by a dramatic tilt in China’s internal politics. On September 13 a plane carrying Lin Biao, his family and entourage crashed in Mongolia. The story remains murky but officially it was claimed that the army leader was fleeing after a failed coup. His son certainly seems to have concocted an inept [[assassination]] plot. The death of Mao’s handpicked heir amid accusations of betrayal was a damaging blow to his image of infallibility. This sparked a crisis of faith among millions of Chinese about the “[[w:Continuous_revolution|continuous revolution]]” to which they had been subjected so brutally for two decades. A [[foreign policy]] triumph was now even more important for Mao. Lin was supposedly an opponent of détente with the [[United States]]. Certainly his death and disgrace strengthened [[Zhou Enlai]], even though strong opposition remained to Nixon’s visit from Mao’s estranged wife, [[Jiang Qing]], and from radicals in [[Shanghai]]. Zhou pushed ahead with arrangements and in October [[Henry Kissinger|Kissinger]] paid a second visit to China—this time in public—to agree the agenda and draft the all-important communiqué. ** David Reynolds, ''Summits: Six Meetings that Changed the Twentieth Century'' (2007), p. 242 * Lin Biao and the "Gang of Four" wantonly undermined the revolutionary united front and seriously interfered with the realization of the [[Four Modernizations|four grand goals of modernization]]. ** [[Xi Zhongxun]], "Selected Works of Xi Zhongxun". Beijing: Central Literature Publishing House, June 1995,And died in 2003 == External links == * {{commonscat-inline}} * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lin Biao}} [[Category:Anti-fascists]] [[Category:Anti-imperialists]] [[Category:1907 births]] [[Category:1971 deaths]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from China]] [[Category:Philosophers from China]] [[Category:Sociologists from China]] [[Category:Military leaders from China]] [[Category:Left-wing nationalists]] [[Category:Revolutionaries]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:Founding Fathers]] [[Category:Political authors from China]] [[Category:Communist Party of China politicians]] [[Category:People of the Cold War]] [[Category:Accidental deaths]] [[Category:Ministers of National Defense (China)]] by3fwh4qdp69uvzmta2do3z26nnu7ft 0 240656 3955060 3925046 2026-06-21T13:17:10Z ~2026-28637-73 3319274 3955060 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{PAW Patrol header}} '''''{{w|Paw Patrol: The Movie|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a [[w:2021 in film|2021]] Canadian CGI-animated [[w:action-adventure film|action-adventure]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] about Ryder and the PAW Patrol pups are called to Adventure City in order to stop the recently-elected Mayor Humdinger from wreaking havoc in the bustling metropolis as they team up with a new ally named Liberty and they must face their challenge to save its citizens. :''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]]. Written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]], Brunker and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]].'' {{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Chase == * ''[repeated line]'' I can do this! * Chase is on the case! * You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. * I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am. * It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember. * Oh, I could get used to this! * Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in! * I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101. * ''[backs away from Ryder; heartbroken and horrified]'' I didn't even ''want'' to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's ''not''! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?! * ''[after Ryder shows him about where they have their first met, he reassuringly accepts to resume his duties]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir. * ''['''Ryder''': Nice catch!]'' You can count on me, Ryder! * I'm coming, Ryder! * You can ''always'' count on me, Ryder. * ''[when the civilians come out from Humdinger Heights, he catches and confronts Humdinger who tries to escape with his kittens]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are under arrest for gross negligence, public endangerment, and ''dognapping''. * ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, the seven pups are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir! == Liberty == * What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan! This is off the leash! * ''[escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' <big>'''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE <big><big>''FIREWORKS!!!''</big></big>'''</big> * You have reached your destination. * Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kinda like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, "Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!" It was amazing! * ''[after interrupting Mayor Humdinger's interview, Ruben and Butch caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' Oh, no! Please, let me go! Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van, license plate number YVP 8624! * You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush. * ''['''Chase''': You ''shouldn’t'' have come ''after'' me. Now we’re ''both'' stuck in here.]'' Of course I came ''after'' you. I might just be one ''small'' pup, all ''alone'' in the ''big'' city, but I can ''still'' make a ''difference''. I can still be a ''hero'', just ''like'' you. * So, who cares if you're ''scared''? ''Heroes'' get ''scared'' all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course, they do. But even though they're ''scared'', they ''push through'' and ''keep going''. That's what makes them ''heroes''. * Well, there's one thing I forgot to mention. ''[surprising Chase as the wall breaks and reveals to be Rubble]'' I brought backup! * ''[Ryder receives her own vehicle, a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty, play it cool, play it cool. ''[then excitedly and squeals]'' ''This is amazing! It's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life!'' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building toward this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints] It's so amazing!'' * I'm official! Hey, check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol right here! == Mayor Humdinger == * ''[repeated line, when his top hat gets flown away or ruined]'' My top hat! * Please welcome to the stage, a man who needs no introduction. He’s literally the greatest human being on the planet. He’s... me! * You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what's so adventure-y about it? The truth is it's ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don't worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won't even recognize it. * I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away. * ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor! == Delores == * We like totally need the PAW Patrol. * Oh, my dog! * ''[interrupts Liberty before saving Chase]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak? == Butch == * ''[puts Humdinger an another top hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss. == Others == *'''Kendra Wilson''': Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just wanna ''squeeze'' 'em! *'''Marty Muckraker''': Guardians, heroes. Cute little dogs in adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased; that being said, ''ooh, yikes!'' An ''embarrassing'' start for Mayor Humdinger, but an ''incredible'' debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City. *'''Ryder''': No city's too big, no pup's too small! *'''Rubble''': ''[when Ryder shows the pups a new and improved pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic which make the others laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing. *'''Skye''': Don't worry about me. I can handle a little turbulence. *'''Marshall''': Next time, ''warn me'' before you stick a building up my nose. *'''Rocky''': Okay, I got it from here. *'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking gnarly. *'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back! *'''Mayor Goodway''': And to think I knew them before they were famous. == Dialogue == :''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters on-screen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and spins]'' :'''Marshall''': Whoa! Oh. I'm OK! :''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning. Then the words "entertainment" appear, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cap'n Turbot hums in the "PAW Patrol theme" while preparing to move the Flounder to another spot, he then sees Gus the truck driver who's stuck on the bridge]'' :'''Gus''': ''[in the distance]'' Hello, down there! :'''Cap'n Turbot''': Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[then he greets Gus]'' Good morning, there friend! Looks like you're in a particularly, precarious predicament. :'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck's door falls open]'' Call everybody! :'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay; ''[shows his phone]'' here, we call the PAW Patrol! :'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Rocky and Zuma putting on the perimeter around the bridge]'' :'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety. :'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes onto the bridge]'' Arf! Grappling hook! :''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secure on top of the bridge, he then jumps off the bridge, howling and comes down]'' :'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down! :'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase; shocked]'' A ''dog!?'' :'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy. :'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse! :'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here. :'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a ''real'' rescue. ''[screams as the truck suddenly shakes]'' (On second thought,) I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meanwhile in Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut in the train and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]'' :'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um... hey, excuse me? You dropped something. :'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, wiener dog. :'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' Wiener dog!? Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash. :'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what? :'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you'' in the trash! ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph! :'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash! :'''Liberty''': Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the train's speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. :''[Liberty leaves the train]'' :'''Tough Guy''': I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in Adventure Bay, there's an emergency call on the big screen from the Lookout as Ryder answers it]'' :'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency? :'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan! This is off the leash! :'''Ryder''': ''[he and the pups get confused]'' Is there... something we can help you with? :'''Liberty''': ''[agrees]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''! :'''Ryder and the PAW Patrol''': ''[shocked]'' '''HUMDINGER!?!?''' :'''Ryder''': He's the ''worst'' mayor in the history of mayors! :'''Rubble''': And that's being ''generous''! :'''Liberty''': You're telling me? This guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. :''[Liberty ends her call to the PAW Patrol]'' :'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on, pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small! :''[The five pups almost excited and start howling. Ryder catches Chase who's walking into the elevator]'' :'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase? :'''Chase''': I'm not going. :'''Ryder''': We ''have'' to go. They need us. :'''Chase''': ''[refuses]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! :''[The elevator brings Chase down]'' :'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase... :'''Marshall''': What's got his leash in a knot? ''[he and the others get concerned and stare at Ryder]'' :'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new satellite headquarters]'' How can we afford this place? :'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt that feature Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original {{w|Guru Studio}} designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hotcakes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder uses his flashlight to check Chase's eyes after the fireworks rescue]'' :'''Ryder''': You look okay. How do you feel? :'''Chase''': I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101. :'''Ryder''': Well, that's why we're a team; everyone pulled together and things worked out okay. :'''Chase''': But what if they didn't? What if something happened to those people and it was all my fault? :''[Ryder looks at Chase, distraught]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Humdinger''': Now, get her out of here. :'''Ruben and Butch''': Get out of here! :''[Kendra groans in anger and leaves]'' :'''Ruben''': What are you doing? I’m the one who tells people to get out of here. :'''Butch''': No, you're not. I'm in charge! :'''Ruben''': No, I'm in charge! :'''Butch''': I'm in charge! :'''Ruben''': I'm in charge! :''[Both Ruben and Butch started a slap-fight while Humdinger goes onstage]'' :'''Humdinger''': Citizens of Adventure City, as your new, and already favorite, mayor, I proudly present the next step in my plan to put the adventure in Adventure City... ''[presents them the Humdinger Hyperloop]'' The Humdinger Hyperloop! The kookiest, swoopiest, loop-de-loopiest subway the world has ever seen! :'''Camerawoman''': Mm-mmm, I am not riding that thing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down train and Skye brings Chase back down to the ground]'' :'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase, who is ashamed]'' Chase... :'''Chase''': ''[Ryder runs and hugs him]'' I don't know what happened. :'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay. :'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry. :'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I thought you'd be okay in Adventure City. But it's still too much for you. :'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to... :'''Ryder''': You're ''not'' fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the rescues for a while. :'''Chase''': ''[shocked]'' What? No, th-that's not ''fair''! :'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be. : ''[A heartbroken and horrified Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]'' :'''Chase''': I didn't even ''want'' to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's ''not''! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?! : ''[Ryder's feelings get hurt by Chase's words]'' :'''Ryder''': ''[hurt]'' Chase... ''[Chase runs away out of heartbreak and Ryder runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Ruben and Butch caught Liberty and taking her to the Fuzzy Buddies obedience school where she searches for Chase]'' :'''Liberty''': Chase, Chase? Anyone seen a German Shepherd about yay-high, always saying "Chase is on the case"? :'''Chase''': ''[hearing about Liberty said his name]'' Liberty? :'''Liberty''': Hey, buddy! I came to bust you out of here. :'''Delores''': Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak? :'''Liberty''': You talk a lot of trash for a dog who looks like a toilet brush. : ''[Chase is shocked by Liberty's comment]'' :'''Delores''': ''[unfazed]'' Hmph! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and the pups witness a massive hurricane in Adventure City at the window]'' :'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking gnarly. :''[The lightning scares Rubble, who screams in horror and hiding behind Liberty and Skye]'' :'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble! :'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening. :''[Then, an emergency call on the big screen and Ryder answers it]'' :'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency? :'''Kendra''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots''! :'''Ryder and the PAW Patrol''': ''[confused]'' '''What?!''' :'''Rubble''': It's a super, bad storm; come on, guys, keep up. :'''Kendra''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. (Thank you.) This is ''not'' a regular storm; it's being caused by a weather-control device that's unleashing weeks' worth of bad weather all at once! :'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[When the pups race to Humdinger Heights, Liberty, now in her uniform, driving with her motor scooter in order to assist them]'' :'''Chase''': Yeah, Liberty! :'''Marshall''': Nice wheels! :'''Skye''': Welcome to the team! :'''Liberty''': Oh, I can't wait to do that again! :''[The pups started laughing]'' :'''Ryder''': Okay, team, we’ve got no idea what we’re heading into. We’re gonna have to improvise. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': ''[notices Rubble wears his toupee]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it? :'''Rubble''': The hair found ''me''. ''[preens]'' It was my ''destiny''. :''[Marty yanks his toupee away from Rubble]'' :'''Marty''': Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his toupee onto his head]'' Buy your own hair. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ryder''': Ahhh! Oh! '''''WHOA!''''' Look out for the elevator, Ryder. *gasp* Huh? Oh! Oh, oh, whoa! [screaming] <big><big>'''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!'''''</big></big> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ryder''': You did it. :'''Chase''': We did it. :'''Ryder''': ''[Chase runs and hug him]'' I told you were a hero. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Skye sacrifices her helicopter to destroy the Cloud Catcher and clear the skies and sunny again, she is free-falling from the air and uses her jet-pack to fly her down to safety. As she landed, the pups are impressed]'' :'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye! :'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome! :'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favourite pup! :'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my helicopter. :''[Skye's helicopter is crashed on the ground right behind her and Rocky, as they looked at the badge clink in front on them and she stares it in dismay]'' :'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. :''[Skye stares at Rocky in annoyance. At that moment, Chase and Ryder came out of the building and the pups are happy to see them safe]'' :'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay! :'''Marshall''': All right! :''[The other pups tackle Ryder and they start licking and hugging him]'' :'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air. :'''Liberty''': How do you feel? :'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool! :'''Rubble''': I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is too big for my mouth. See? :''[Rubble shows his tongue to the others and started to laugh, Ryder walks and picks up Chase's hat]'' :'''Ryder''': You did good, pups. :''[Ryder puts Chase's hat onto him and patted him as the pups started to howl triumphantly and they laughed. Then, Marty and the civilians cheering for the PAW Patrol as they came out from Humdinger Heights]'' :'''Humdinger''': ''[comes out and tries to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here. :'''Chase''': ''[confronted]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[catches Humdinger as the others start glaring at him]'' You are under arrest for gross negligence, public endangerment, and ''dognapping''. :'''Humdinger''': You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor! ''[laughing and escape; dropping his kittens and run away]'' :'''Marshall''': He's getting away! :'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! :''[Skye activates her mini-drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Humdinger and the drone's hook catches on top of his pants, as he flies and his hat falls off, lowering him in front of the PAW Patrol]'' :'''Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger 5 times in the same day! :''[The drone's hook accidentally ripped off Humdinger's pants and make him fall, he then shrieks and covers his underpants once again]'' :'''Humdinger''': ''[embarrassed]'' Well, this is humiliating. :'''Butch''': ''[gives and puts Humdinger an another top hat]'' Here you go, boss. :'''Humdinger''': That's better. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris, who informs him there's an emergency down at the waterfront]'' :'''Chase''': ''[along with Liberty and the other pups are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir! :'''Ryder''': ''[to the audience]'' Sorry, folks, duty calls. ==Taglines== * Our fate is in their paws. * Unleashed on the big screen. * A nose for adventure. (Chase tagline) * New dog, new tricks. (Liberty tagline) * Can you dig it? (Rubble tagline) * She's so fly. (Skye tagline) * Coming in hot. (Marshall tagline) * Not afraid to get his paws dirty. (Rocky tagline) * Diving into adventure. (Zuma tagline) ==Cast== * {{w|Iain Armitage}} — Chase * Will Brisbin — Ryder * {{w|Marsai Martin}} — Liberty * {{w|Ron Pardo}} — Mayor Humdinger and Cap'n Turbot * Keegan Hedley — Rubble * {{w|Lilly Bartlam}} — Skye * Kingsley Marshall — Marshall * Callum Shoniker — Rocky * Shayle Simons — Zuma * [[Tyler Perry]] — Gus * [[Jimmy Kimmel]] — Marty Muckraker * [[Randall Park]] — Butch * {{w|Dax Shepard}} — Ruben * {{w|Yara Shahidi}} — Kendra Wilson * {{w|Kim Kardashian}} — Delores * {{w|Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts}} — Mayor Goodway * {{w|Paul Braunstein}} — Tough Guy * Monique Alvarez — Carmen * {{w|Jamillah Ross}} — Camerawoman * {{w|Josh Robert Thompson}} — Firework technician * Josh Graham — Computer voice * {{w|Neil Crone}} — Tony * {{w|Joe Pingue}} — Barney * Charlie Gallant — Harris * Richard Binsley — Rocket * {{w|Raoul Bhaneja}} — Dad * {{w|Rosa Labordé}} — Mom * {{w|Saara Chaudry}} — Girl == External links == {{wikipedia|Paw Patrol: The Movie}} * {{Commonscat-inline|Paw Patrol: The Movie}} * {{IMDb title|11832046}} [[Category:2021 computer-animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:Canadian animated films]] [[Category:2021 American animated films]] [[Category:Animated films about talking animals]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Films about children]] [[Category:American animated action films]] [[Category:American animated adventure films]] [[Category:American animated comedy films]] [[Category:American animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Animated films impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about friendship]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:PAW Patrol]] 6q72yr91eoc3gtl96k50j6rnts63ycr 3955228 3955060 2026-06-22T05:35:58Z ~2026-18347-32 3304826 3955228 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{PAW Patrol header}} '''''{{w|Paw Patrol: The Movie|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a [[w:2021 in film|2021]] Canadian CGI-animated [[w:action-adventure film|action-adventure]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] about Ryder and the PAW Patrol pups are called to Adventure City in order to stop the recently-elected Mayor Humdinger from wreaking havoc in the bustling metropolis as they team up with a new ally named Liberty and they must face their challenge to save its citizens. :''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]]. Written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]], Brunker and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]].'' {{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Chase == * ''[repeated line]'' I can do this! * Chase is on the case! * You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. * I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am. * It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember. * Oh, I could get used to this! * Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in! * I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101. * ''[backs away from Ryder; heartbroken and horrified]'' I didn't even ''want'' to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's ''not''! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?! * ''[after Ryder shows him about where they have their first met, he reassuringly accepts to resume his duties]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir. * ''['''Ryder''': Nice catch!]'' You can count on me, Ryder! * I'm coming, Ryder! * You can ''always'' count on me, Ryder. * ''[when the civilians come out from Humdinger Heights, he catches and confronts Humdinger who tries to escape with his kittens]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are under arrest for gross negligence, public endangerment, abuse of power, assault and battery, illegal authority and dognapping. * ''[after Ryder receives a call from Harris, the seven pups are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir! == Liberty == * What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan! This is off the leash! * ''[escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' <big>'''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE <big><big>''FIREWORKS!!!''</big></big>'''</big> * You have reached your destination. * Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kinda like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, "Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!" It was amazing! * ''[after interrupting Mayor Humdinger's interview, Ruben and Butch caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' Oh, no! Please, let me go! Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van, license plate number YVP 8624! * You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush. * ''['''Chase''': You ''shouldn’t'' have come ''after'' me. Now we’re ''both'' stuck in here.]'' Of course I came ''after'' you. I might just be one ''small'' pup, all ''alone'' in the ''big'' city, but I can ''still'' make a ''difference''. I can still be a ''hero'', just ''like'' you. * So, who cares if you're ''scared''? ''Heroes'' get ''scared'' all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course, they do. But even though they're ''scared'', they ''push through'' and ''keep going''. That's what makes them ''heroes''. * Well, there's one thing I forgot to mention. ''[surprising Chase as the wall breaks and reveals to be Rubble]'' I brought backup! * ''[Ryder receives her own vehicle, a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty, play it cool, play it cool. ''[then excitedly and squeals]'' ''This is amazing! It's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life!'' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building toward this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints] It's so amazing!'' * I'm official! Hey, check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol right here! == Mayor Humdinger == * ''[repeated line, when his top hat gets flown away or ruined]'' My top hat! * Please welcome to the stage, a man who needs no introduction. He’s literally the greatest human being on the planet. He’s... me! * You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what's so adventure-y about it? The truth is it's ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don't worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won't even recognize it. * I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away. * ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor! == Delores == * We like totally need the PAW Patrol. * Oh, my dog! * ''[interrupts Liberty before saving Chase]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak? == Butch == * ''[puts Humdinger an another top hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss. == Others == *'''Kendra Wilson''': Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just wanna ''squeeze'' 'em! *'''Marty Muckraker''': Guardians, heroes. Cute little dogs in adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased; that being said, ''ooh, yikes!'' An ''embarrassing'' start for Mayor Humdinger, but an ''incredible'' debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City. *'''Ryder''': No city's too big, no pup's too small! *'''Rubble''': ''[when Ryder shows the pups a new and improved pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic which make the others laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing. *'''Skye''': Don't worry about me. I can handle a little turbulence. *'''Marshall''': Next time, ''warn me'' before you stick a building up my nose. *'''Rocky''': Okay, I got it from here. *'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking gnarly. *'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back! *'''Mayor Goodway''': And to think I knew them before they were famous. == Dialogue == :''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters on-screen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and spins]'' :'''Marshall''': Whoa! Oh. I'm OK! :''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning. Then the words "entertainment" appear, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cap'n Turbot hums in the "PAW Patrol theme" while preparing to move the Flounder to another spot, he then sees Gus the truck driver who's stuck on the bridge]'' :'''Gus''': ''[in the distance]'' Hello, down there! :'''Cap'n Turbot''': Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[then he greets Gus]'' Good morning, there friend! Looks like you're in a particularly, precarious predicament. :'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck's door falls open]'' Call everybody! :'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay; ''[shows his phone]'' here, we call the PAW Patrol! :'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Rocky and Zuma putting on the perimeter around the bridge]'' :'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety. :'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes onto the bridge]'' Arf! Grappling hook! :''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secure on top of the bridge, he then jumps off the bridge, howling and comes down]'' :'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down! :'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase; shocked]'' A ''dog!?'' :'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy. :'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse! :'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here. :'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a ''real'' rescue. ''[screams as the truck suddenly shakes]'' (On second thought,) I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meanwhile in Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut in the train and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]'' :'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um... hey, excuse me? You dropped something. :'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, wiener dog. :'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' Wiener dog!? Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash. :'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what? :'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you'' in the trash! ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph! :'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash! :'''Liberty''': Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the train's speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. :''[Liberty leaves the train]'' :'''Tough Guy''': I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in Adventure Bay, there's an emergency call on the big screen from the Lookout as Ryder answers it]'' :'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency? :'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan! This is off the leash! :'''Ryder''': ''[he and the pups get confused]'' Is there... something we can help you with? :'''Liberty''': ''[agrees]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''! :'''Ryder and the PAW Patrol''': ''[shocked]'' '''HUMDINGER!?!?''' :'''Ryder''': He's the ''worst'' mayor in the history of mayors! :'''Rubble''': And that's being ''generous''! :'''Liberty''': You're telling me? This guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. :''[Liberty ends her call to the PAW Patrol]'' :'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on, pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small! :''[The five pups almost excited and start howling. Ryder catches Chase who's walking into the elevator]'' :'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase? :'''Chase''': I'm not going. :'''Ryder''': We ''have'' to go. They need us. :'''Chase''': ''[refuses]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! :''[The elevator brings Chase down]'' :'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase... :'''Marshall''': What's got his leash in a knot? ''[he and the others get concerned and stare at Ryder]'' :'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new satellite headquarters]'' How can we afford this place? :'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt that feature Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original {{w|Guru Studio}} designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hotcakes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder uses his flashlight to check Chase's eyes after the fireworks rescue]'' :'''Ryder''': You look okay. How do you feel? :'''Chase''': I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101. :'''Ryder''': Well, that's why we're a team; everyone pulled together and things worked out okay. :'''Chase''': But what if they didn't? What if something happened to those people and it was all my fault? :''[Ryder looks at Chase, distraught]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Humdinger''': Now, get her out of here. :'''Ruben and Butch''': Get out of here! :''[Kendra groans in anger and leaves]'' :'''Ruben''': What are you doing? I’m the one who tells people to get out of here. :'''Butch''': No, you're not. I'm in charge! :'''Ruben''': No, I'm in charge! :'''Butch''': I'm in charge! :'''Ruben''': I'm in charge! :''[Both Ruben and Butch started a slap-fight while Humdinger goes onstage]'' :'''Humdinger''': Citizens of Adventure City, as your new, and already favorite, mayor, I proudly present the next step in my plan to put the adventure in Adventure City... ''[presents them the Humdinger Hyperloop]'' The Humdinger Hyperloop! The kookiest, swoopiest, loop-de-loopiest subway the world has ever seen! :'''Camerawoman''': Mm-mmm, I am not riding that thing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down train and Skye brings Chase back down to the ground]'' :'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase, who is ashamed]'' Chase... :'''Chase''': ''[Ryder runs and hugs him]'' I don't know what happened. :'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay. :'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry. :'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I thought you'd be okay in Adventure City. But it's still too much for you. :'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to... :'''Ryder''': You're ''not'' fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the rescues for a while. :'''Chase''': ''[shocked]'' What? No, th-that's not ''fair''! :'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be. : ''[A heartbroken and horrified Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]'' :'''Chase''': I didn't even ''want'' to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's ''not''! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?! : ''[Ryder's feelings get hurt by Chase's words]'' :'''Ryder''': ''[hurt]'' Chase... ''[Chase runs away out of heartbreak and Ryder runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Ruben and Butch caught Liberty and taking her to the Fuzzy Buddies obedience school where she searches for Chase]'' :'''Liberty''': Chase, Chase? Anyone seen a German Shepherd about yay-high, always saying "Chase is on the case"? :'''Chase''': ''[hearing about Liberty said his name]'' Liberty? :'''Liberty''': Hey, buddy! I came to bust you out of here. :'''Delores''': Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak? :'''Liberty''': You talk a lot of trash for a dog who looks like a toilet brush. : ''[Chase is shocked by Liberty's comment]'' :'''Delores''': ''[unfazed]'' Hmph! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and the pups witness a massive hurricane in Adventure City at the window]'' :'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking gnarly. :''[The lightning scares Rubble, who screams in horror and hiding behind Liberty and Skye]'' :'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble! :'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening. :''[Then, an emergency call on the big screen and Ryder answers it]'' :'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency? :'''Kendra''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots''! :'''Ryder and the PAW Patrol''': ''[confused]'' '''What?!''' :'''Rubble''': It's a super, bad storm; come on, guys, keep up. :'''Kendra''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. (Thank you.) This is ''not'' a regular storm; it's being caused by a weather-control device that's unleashing weeks' worth of bad weather all at once! :'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[When the pups race to Humdinger Heights, Liberty, now in her uniform, driving with her motor scooter in order to assist them]'' :'''Chase''': Yeah, Liberty! :'''Marshall''': Nice wheels! :'''Skye''': Welcome to the team! :'''Liberty''': Oh, I can't wait to do that again! :''[The pups started laughing]'' :'''Ryder''': Okay, team, we’ve got no idea what we’re heading into. We’re gonna have to improvise. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': ''[notices Rubble wears his toupee]'' Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it? :'''Rubble''': The hair found ''me''. ''[preens]'' It was my ''destiny''. :''[Marty yanks his toupee away from Rubble]'' :'''Marty''': Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his toupee onto his head]'' Buy your own hair. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ryder''': Ahhh! Oh! '''''WHOA!''''' Look out for the elevator, Ryder. *gasp* Huh? Oh! Oh, oh, whoa! [screaming] <big><big>'''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!'''''</big></big> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ryder''': You did it. :'''Chase''': We did it. :'''Ryder''': ''[Chase runs and hug him]'' I told you were a hero. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Skye sacrifices her helicopter to destroy the Cloud Catcher and clear the skies and sunny again, she is free-falling from the air and uses her jet-pack to fly her down to safety. As she landed, the pups are impressed]'' :'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye! :'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome! :'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favourite pup! :'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my helicopter. :''[Skye's helicopter is crashed on the ground right behind her and Rocky, as they looked at the badge clink in front on them and she stares it in dismay]'' :'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. :''[Skye stares at Rocky in annoyance. At that moment, Chase and Ryder came out of the building and the pups are happy to see them safe]'' :'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay! :'''Marshall''': All right! :''[The other pups tackle Ryder and they start licking and hugging him]'' :'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air. :'''Liberty''': How do you feel? :'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool! :'''Rubble''': I can’t help it, I’m a bulldog! My tongue is too big for my mouth. See? :''[Rubble shows his tongue to the others and started to laugh, Ryder walks and picks up Chase's hat]'' :'''Ryder''': You did good, pups. :''[Ryder puts Chase's hat onto him and patted him as the pups started to howl triumphantly and they laughed. Then, Marty and the civilians cheering for the PAW Patrol as they came out from Humdinger Heights]'' :'''Humdinger''': ''[comes out and tries to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here. :'''Chase''': ''[confronted]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[catches Humdinger as the others start glaring at him]'' You are under arrest for gross negligence, public endangerment, abuse of power, assault and battery, illegal authority and dognapping. :'''Humdinger''': You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor! ''[laughing and escape; dropping his kittens and retreats]'' :'''Marshall''': He's getting away! :'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! :''[Skye activates her mini-drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Humdinger and the drone's hook catches on top of his pants, as he flies and his hat falls off, lowering him in front of the PAW Patrol]'' :'''Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger 5 times in the same day! :''[The drone's hook accidentally ripped off Humdinger's pants and make him fall, he then shrieks and covers his underpants once again]'' :'''Humdinger''': ''[embarrassed]'' Well, this is humiliating. :'''Butch''': ''[gives and puts Humdinger an another top hat]'' Here you go, boss. :'''Humdinger''': That's better. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris, who informs him there's an emergency down at the waterfront]'' :'''Chase''': ''[along with Liberty and the other pups are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir! :'''Ryder''': ''[to the audience]'' Sorry, folks, duty calls. ==Taglines== * Our fate is in their paws. * Unleashed on the big screen. * A nose for adventure. (Chase tagline) * New dog, new tricks. (Liberty tagline) * Can you dig it? (Rubble tagline) * She's so fly. (Skye tagline) * Coming in hot. (Marshall tagline) * Not afraid to get his paws dirty. (Rocky tagline) * Diving into adventure. (Zuma tagline) ==Cast== * {{w|Iain Armitage}} — Chase * Will Brisbin — Ryder * {{w|Marsai Martin}} — Liberty * {{w|Ron Pardo}} — Mayor Humdinger and Cap'n Turbot * Keegan Hedley — Rubble * {{w|Lilly Bartlam}} — Skye * Kingsley Marshall — Marshall * Callum Shoniker — Rocky * Shayle Simons — Zuma * [[Tyler Perry]] — Gus * [[Jimmy Kimmel]] — Marty Muckraker * [[Randall Park]] — Butch * {{w|Dax Shepard}} — Ruben * {{w|Yara Shahidi}} — Kendra Wilson * {{w|Kim Kardashian}} — Delores * {{w|Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts}} — Mayor Goodway * {{w|Paul Braunstein}} — Tough Guy * Monique Alvarez — Carmen * {{w|Jamillah Ross}} — Camerawoman * {{w|Josh Robert Thompson}} — Firework technician * Josh Graham — Computer voice * {{w|Neil Crone}} — Tony * {{w|Joe Pingue}} — Barney * Charlie Gallant — Harris * Richard Binsley — Rocket * {{w|Raoul Bhaneja}} — Dad * {{w|Rosa Labordé}} — Mom * {{w|Saara Chaudry}} — Girl == External links == {{wikipedia|Paw Patrol: The Movie}} * {{Commonscat-inline|Paw Patrol: The Movie}} * {{IMDb title|11832046}} [[Category:2021 computer-animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:Canadian animated films]] [[Category:2021 American animated films]] [[Category:Animated films about talking animals]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Films about children]] [[Category:American animated action films]] [[Category:American animated adventure films]] [[Category:American animated comedy films]] [[Category:American animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Animated films impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about friendship]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:PAW Patrol]] 6tf9pyfenmkcczk7461fg6urzfh0jma 0 242482 3955165 3464342 2026-06-21T23:07:35Z Dronebogus 3078761 3955165 wikitext text/x-wiki {{See also|Ahimsa|Nonviolence|Nonviolent resistance}} [[File:All you need is Love.jpg|thumb|Harmlessness is the expression of the life of the man who realises himself to be everywhere, who lives consciously as a soul, whose nature is love, whose method is inclusiveness. ~ [[Alice Bailey]] ]] [[File:Nonviolence protesters-04-16-00.JPG|thumb|I send you forth as sheep in the midst of [[wolves]]: be ye therefore [[wise]] as [[serpents]], and harmless as [[doves]]. ~ [[Jesus]]]] [[W: Harmless|'''Harmlessness''']] denotes the quality of lacking capacity or intent to injure, or to cause any beings, any [[harm]], including death, pain, disability, loss of ability, freedom or pleasure. ==Quotes== *Harmful magnetic conditions, as the result of man's wrong handling of force, are the causes of evil in the world... How can we, as individuals, change this? By the development in ourselves of Harmlessness. Therefore, study yourself from this angle. Study your daily conduct and words and thoughts so as to make them utterly harmless. Set yourself to think those thoughts about yourself and others which will be constructive and positive, and hence harmless in their effects. Study your emotional effect on others, so that by no mood, no depression, and no emotional reaction can you harm a fellow-man. Remember in this connection, violent spiritual aspiration and enthusiasm, misplaced or misdirected, may quite easily harm a fellow-man, so look not only at your wrong tendencies but at the use of your virtues.<BR>If harmlessness is the keynote of your life, you will do more to produce right harmonious conditions in your personality than any amount of discipline along other lines. The drastic purgation brought about by the attempt to be harmless will go far to eliminate wrong states of consciousness... Therefore, I say to you at this time, I – an older and perhaps more experienced disciple and worker in the great vineyard of the Lord – practice harmlessness with zest and understanding, for it is (if truly carried out) the destroyer of all limitation. **[[Alice Bailey]], ''A Treatise on White Magic'', p. 101/3. (1934) *Harmfulness is based on selfishness, and on an ego-centric attitude. It is the demonstration of forces concentrated for self-enforcement, self-aggrandisement, and self-gratification. Harmlessness is the expression of the life of the man who realises himself to be everywhere, who lives consciously as a soul, whose nature is love, whose method is inclusiveness, and to whom all forms are alike, in that they veil and hide the light, and are but externalisations of the One Infinite Being. This realisation, let me remind you, will demonstrate in a true comprehension of a brother's need, divorced from sentiment and expediency. It will lead to that silence of the tongue that grows out of non-reference to the separate self. It will produce that instantaneous response to true need which characterises the Great Ones who (passing beneath the outer appearance) see the inner cause which produces the conditions noted in the outer life, and so, from that point of wisdom, true help and guidance can be given. Harmlessness brings about in life caution in judgment, reticence in speech, ability to refrain from impulsive action, and the demonstration of a non-critical spirit. So, free passage can be given to the forces of true love, and to those spiritual energies which seem to vitalise the personality, leading consequently to right action. Let harmlessness, therefore, be the keynote of your life. **[[Alice Bailey]], ''A Treatise on White Magic'', p. 101/3. (1934) *I have so emphatically impressed the need of harmlessness upon all of you, for it is the scientific method, par excellence, and esoterically speaking, of cleaning house, and of purifying the centres. Its practice clears the clogged channels and permits the entrance of the higher energies. **[[Alice Bailey]], ''A Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 4: Esoteric Healing'' p. 40 *What shall I say concerning harmlessness? It is not easy for me to show or prove to you the effectiveness of the higher aspect... The harmlessness with which I have earlier dealt, has relation to the imperfections with which humanity is wrestling, and is difficult for you to apply in and under all circumstances, as well you know. The harmlessness to which I refer in connection with you is not negative, or sweet, or kindly activity, as so many believe; it is a state of mind and one which in no way negates firm or even drastic action; it concerns motive and involves the determination that the motive behind all activity is goodwill. That motive might lead to positive and sometimes disagreeable action or speech, but as harmlessness and goodwill condition the mental approach, nothing can eventuate but good. **[[Alice Bailey]], ''A Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 4: Esoteric Healing'' (1953) p.670 *I send you forth as [[sheep]] in the midst of [[wolves]]: be ye therefore [[wise]] as serpents, and harmless as doves. ** [[Jesus]], to his disciples, as quoted in ''[[Gospel of Matthew]]'' [[w:Matthew 10|10:16]]]. *The first step with which to counter the forces of evil is by confronting it with an attitude of 'harmlessness'. When the daily thoughts, words and activities are positive, and based on love and goodwill, no evil can gain entry into the mind and the results can only be constructive and harmless. It will therefore also be readily understood that if harmlessness is the keynote of life, more will be done to obtain harmonious conditions in the personality than by any other form of discipline.<BR>The life of the man who consciously lives as the soul is expressed by its quality of harmlessness. This is one of the most potent forces in the world today and will demonstrate in daily living as right motive, goodwill, discriminative judging, reticence in speech, ability to refrain from impulsive action, and the manifestation of an uncritical spirit. **[[Aart Juriaanse|Aart Jurriaanse]] [http://www.mindlight.info/AartJurriaanse/aj-discip-harmlessness.htm Attributes of the disciple -- Harmlessness] *People try to excuse their brutality by saying that it is the [[custom]]; but a [[crime]] does not cease to be a crime because many commit it. Karma takes no account of custom; and the karma of [[cruelty]] is the most terrible of all. In [[India]] at least there can be no excuse for such customs, for the duty of [[Harmless|harmlessness]] is well-known to all. The [[fate]] of the cruel must fall also upon all who go out intentionally to [[kill]] God's creatures, and call it "sport". **[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]], ''At the Feet of the Master'' (1911) ==See also== {{col-begin}} {{col-2}} *[[Ageless Wisdom teachings]] *[[Ahimsa]] *[[Karma|Law of cause and effect (Karma)]] *[[Love]] *[[Nonviolence]] *[[Peace]] {{col-2}} *[[Respect]] *[[Responsibility]] *[[Rule of law|Rule of Law]] *[[Virtue]] *[[Self-harm]] *[[Nonviolent resistance]] *[[Pacifism]] *[[Vegetarianism]] *[[Veganism]] {{col-end}} ==External links== {{wikipedia-inline|Harmless|display=Harmlessness}} [[Category:Virtues]] [[Category:Nonviolence]] ohx26s2ssleyvs3213voxclmdeo7am1 0 243051 3955083 3910446 2026-06-21T16:01:18Z ~2026-36038-80 3344285 /* */ 3955083 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Mercy Chinwo|Mercy Chinwo]]''' (born September 5, 1990) is a [[Nigerian]] gospel [[musician]] and singer-songwriter. ==Quotes== * God is very intentional about your life. It does not matter what anyone thinks or says, what matters is what God’s word says about you. ** Kehinde Ajose, [https://punchng.com/my-engagement-happened-at-the-right-time-mercy-chinwo/ "My engagement happened at the right time – Mercy Chinwo"], ''The Punch'' (25 June 2022) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Chinwo, Mercy}} [[Category:1991 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Women from Nigeria]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Nigeria]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Gospel singers]] 50s7sy2tf5kfhk2msjvn8dc2maht9ne 0 252639 3955233 3935684 2026-06-22T06:35:37Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* A Murder of Woes [1.8] */ 3955233 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Wednesday logo.svg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Wednesday (TV series)|Wednesday]]''''' (2022–) is an American coming-of-age supernatural comedy horror television series based upon the character [[w:Wednesday Addams|Wednesday Addams]] from ''[[w:The Addams Family|The Addams Family]]''. == Season 1 == === ''Wednesday's Child Is Full of Woe'' [1.1] === :'''Wednesday Addams''': I see the world as a place that must be endured, and my personal philosophy is kill or be killed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': I’m not sure whose twisted idea it was, to put hundreds of adolescents in underfunded schools, run by people whose dreams were crushed years ago. But I admire the sadism. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morticia Addams''': That boy's family was going to file attempted murder charges. How would that have looked on your record? :'''Wednesday Addams''': Terrible. Everyone would know I failed to get the job done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morticia Addams''': Any plans you have of running away end right now, I've alerted all family members to contact me the minute you darken their doorstep, you have no where to go. :'''Wednesday Addams''': As usual, you underestimate me mother, I will escape this educational penitentiary and you will never hear from me again. :'''Morticia Addams''': You're a brilliant girl Wednesday, but sometimes you get in your own way, I'm sure you'll grow to love Nevermore and find it as life-changing as I did, oh I got you a little something, "W" "M" our initials, it's made off obsidian, which Aztec priests used to conjure visions, it's a symbol of our connection. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Which one of your spirits suggested this toe-curling tchotchke? I’m not you, Mother. I will never fall in love, or be a housewife, or have a family. :'''Morticia Addams''': I’m told girls your age say hurtful things, and I shouldn’t take it to heart. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Fortunately, you don’t have one. :'''Morticia Addams''': Finally, a kind word for your mother. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': Turn that off. This is your final warning. :'''Enid Sinclair''': Don't mess with me! This kitty's got claws and I'm not afraid to use them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marilyn Thornhill''': I see Enid's been giving you the Nevermore welcome. :'''Wednesday Addams''': She's been smothering me with kindness; I plan on returning the favor...in her sleep. === ''Woe Is the Loneliest Number'' [1.2] === :'''Wednesday Addams''': This story is about to take a dark turn. Usually, I love dark turns. Like when the carousel brakes mysteriously failed at my eighth birthday party. But not this one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': I act as if I don't care if people dislike me... Deep down... I secretly enjoy it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': Yes, I know that I am stubborn, obsessive and single-minded. Those are all traits of great writers. :''[Thing gesticulates pointedly]'' :'''Wednesday Addams''': Yes, and serial killers too. What's your point? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': [[Edgar Allan Poe]] said, “Believe nothing you hear and half of what you see.” Clearly Nevermore’s most famous alumni picked that up here. No wonder he became a drug-addled madman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marilyn Thornhill''': Never lose that, Wednesday. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Lose what? :'''Marilyn Thornhill''': The ability to not let others define you. It’s a gift. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Doesn’t always feel that way. :'''Marilyn Thornhill''': The most interesting plants grow in the shade. === ''Friend or Woe'' [1.3] === :'''Wednesday Addams''': Let’s assess, shall we? Bag over my head for optimal disorientation, wrists tied tight enough to cut off circulation, and no idea if I’m going to live or die. It’s definitely my kind of party. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': ''[referring to the Nightshades]'' I’m not interested in joining. :'''Yoko Tanaka''': You’re seriously turning us down? :'''Wednesday Addams''': ''[Deadpan]'' Can you believe it? :'''Bianca Barclay''': Untie her. :'''Wednesday Addams''': I freed myself five minutes ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': Secrets are like zombies. They never truly die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. :'''Principal Larissa Weems''': That’s where you and I differ. Where you see doom, I see opportunity. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': That monster could be anyone. The sheriff thinks they only exist behind the walls of this school. The truth is, there are monsters everywhere. And sometimes the monsters we least suspect are the most dangerous. They don’t need teeth and claws to terrify. They hide in the shadows until no one is looking. And then they strike. But I’m looking now. And I won’t stop until I find the truth. === ''Woe What a Night'' [1.4] === :'''Wednesday Addams''': ''[To Thing, lying in one of the body storing shelves in the morgue]'' Five more minutes. I was just getting comfortable. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enid Sinclair''': When I suggested giving your side of the room a makeover, I did not have [[Ted Bundy]]’s Pinterest in mind. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Still not as creepy as your stuffed unicorn collection. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': Thing and I may have made an unsanctioned trip to the county morgue to copy the files of the monster’s victims. :'''Enid Sinclair''': Okay, there are so many levels of Ew in that statement, I don’t even know where to begin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Xavier Thorpe''': Aren’t you pumped about disco balls and spiked punch? There’s even a DJ. MC Blood Suckaz. :'''Wednesday Addams''': I’d rather stick needles in my eyes. ''[pause]'' I’ll probably do that anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': ''[to Eugene]'' Listen, people like me and you, we're different. We don't need these inane rites of passage to validate who we are. We're original thinkers, intrepid outliers in this vast cesspool of adolescence. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': ''[to Eugene as they prepare to explore the monster's cave]'' If you hear me screaming bloody murder, there's a good chance I'm just enjoying myself. === ''You Reap What You Woe'' [1.5] === :'''Young Morticia Addams''': ''[flashback to 1990]'' I don’t know what to say, Gomez. Seeing you in handcuffs, accused of murder; I’ve never loved you more. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morticia Addams''': Oh, how we missed those accusing eyes and youthful sneer. :'''Gomez Addams''': How are you, my little rain cloud? :'''Wednesday Addams''': I thought Thing was filling you in on my every move. I uncovered your feeble subterfuge almost immediately. :'''Gomez Addams''': So, how’s the little fella doing? Does he still have all his fingers? :'''Wednesday Addams''': Relax. I haven’t snapped any of his digits. Yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': Since I've been here, I've been hunted, haunted, kidnapped, and the target of attempted murder. :'''Gomez Addams''': ''[proud and delighted]'' Ah, Nevermore! I love you so! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': ''[to Gomez]'' You taught me how to be strong and independent. How to navigate myself in a world full of treachery and prejudice. You are the reason I understand how imperative it is that I never lose sight of myself. So as far as fatherhood goes, I would say you’ve been more than adequate. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wednesday is digging up Garrett Gates's grave, with Morticia watching]'' :'''Morticia Addams''': Ahhh, this reminds me of when you got your first grave-digging kit. You were so happy, you nearly smiled. === ''Quid Pro Woe'' [1.6] === :'''Wednesday Addams''': In case you’re wondering, I don’t hold séances very often. I can barely tolerate the living. Why would I want to commune with the dead? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enid Sinclair''': Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt your… Do I even want to know? :'''Wednesday Addams''': I was reaching into the black maw of death to contact a relative. :'''Enid Sinclair''': Feels very on-brand for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marilyn Thornhill''': I think we're a lot alike. :'''Wednesday Addams''': We aren't. I don't need your help or you pity. I already have a mother and a therapist. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enid Sinclair''': ''[as they’re about to enter the crypt]'' Ew. What died? :'''Wednesday Addams''': Smells like childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': I was told you could teach me how to control my ability. :'''Goody Addams''': There is no controlling a raging river. You must learn to navigate it without drowning. === ''If You Don't Woe Me by Now'' [1.7] === :'''Wednesday Addams''': I enjoy funerals. I’ve been crashing them since I was old enough to read the obituary section. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wednesday follows a shadowy figure into the woods. In a clearing, she looks around. The figure suddenly lands behind her from a tree. Wednesday swiftly draws a hidden sword from the handle of her umbrella and stabs at the figure, who catches the blade between its hands, before a burst of electricity shoots from its hands down the blade of the sword, causing Wednesday to drop it.]'' :'''Shadowy Figure''': Still as sharp as ever, my pig-tailed prodigy. :'''Wednesday Addams''': ''[Recognizes the voice and gives a genuine smile]'' Uncle Fester! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': How long have you been stalking me? :'''Uncle Fester''': Just flew into town this morning and was hit by a wave of nostalgia. :'''Wednesday Addams''': I thought you didn’t go to Nevermore. :'''Uncle Fester''': I didn’t. Your dad got all the brains. But I used to drop in on him. Usually from the ceiling with a dagger clutched between my teeth. Just to keep him on his toes. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Of course. :'''Uncle Fester''': He filled me in on what’s been going on. Monsters, murder, mayhem. What fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wednesday brings Fester into a shed]'' :'''Wednesday Addams''': This place belongs to a friend. :'''Uncle Fester''': You actually made a friend? That poor kid will be going home in a body bag. ''[Sees a beehive]'' Ooo, I like a hideout that comes with snacks. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Those bees are hibernating. They're practically Eugene's children. ''[Fester opens the beehive; firmly]'' That means do not eat them! :'''Uncle Fester''': ''[Closes the beehive]'' You know, when you give me that death stare of disapproval, you remind me of your mother. Speaking of scary things, do you know what kind of a monster you're dealing with? :'''Wednesday Addams''': I haven't been able to identify it. ''[unfolds a drawing Xavier made of the monster, shows it to Fester]'' :'''Uncle Fester''': Oooooo...It's called a Hyde. :'''Wednesday Addams''': As in Jekyll and Hyde? :'''Uncle Fester''': Mmmhmm. :'''Wednesday Addams''': You've seen one before? :'''Uncle Fester''': Oh, yeah. In '83, during my vay-cay at the Zurich Institute for the Criminally Insane. It's where I got my first lobotomy. But you know lobotomies; they’re kind of like tattoos. Can’t just get one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Xavier Thorpe''': You know what your problem is? :'''Wednesday Addams''': I would love to hear your piercing insight. :'''Xavier Thorpe''': You don’t know who your real friends are. I’ve been on your side since day one. I literally saved your life, I believed your theories when nobody else did, and what do I get in return? Just nothing but suspicion and lies. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Fine. You want honesty? Here it is: Every time the monster's attacked, you've been right there. Starting with Rowan at the Harvest Festival. Then, on Outreach Day, you arrived just minutes after the monster disappeared, yet you say you didn't see it. :'''Xavier Thorpe''': I didn't realize proximity was a crime. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Then there's your drawing obsession. You have drawn the monster dozens of times, yet you've never seen it. Or so you claim. You even drew where it lived. Then, when Eugene went to investigate, you tried to kill him so he wouldn't spill your secret. :'''Xavier Thorpe''': You think I would hurt Eugene? :'''Wednesday Addams''': Let's not forget your oh-so-convenient appearance after Tyler had been attacked at the Gates mansion. :'''Xavier Thorpe''': If I ''am'' the monster...then why haven't I killed you? :'''Wednesday Addams''': ''[Hesitates]'' ...Because for some reason I cannot fathom or indulge, you seem to like me. :'''Xavier Thorpe''': ''[coldly]'' What's to like? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': ''[after she kisses Tyler and has a vision of him being Hyde]'' Of course the first boy I kiss would turn out to be a psychotic, serial-killing monster. I guess I have a type. === ''A Murder of Woes'' [1.8] === :'''Wednesday Addams''': Xavier warned me about you, but I didn’t listen. :'''Tyler Galpin''': Ironic now, huh? :'''Wednesday Addams''': Ironic would’ve been framing Xavier for murder while the real Hyde helped me put him away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyler Galpin''': ''[to Wednesday]'' You know, at first, I’d wake up naked, covered in blood, no idea what happened. But over time, I started to remember everything. The sound of their screams, the panic in their eyes, and a fear so primal I could taste it. And it was delicious. You have no idea what’s coming. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wednesday Addams''': I always believed relying on other people to be a sign of weakness. That inevitably they would lead me to disappointment. Turns out I’ve been the disappointment. :'''Enid Sinclair''': Are you kidding me? I’ve learned so much from you. Part of it is admittedly criminal behavior, but most people spend their entire lives pretending to give zero effs, and you literally never had an eff to give. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enid Sinclair''': Will you forget about me? :'''Wednesday Addams''': Enid, the mark you have left on me is indelible. Anytime I grow nauseous at the sight of a rainbow, or hear a pop song that makes my ears bleed, I’ll think of you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enid Sinclair''': You have to come visit me in San Francisco. It's foggy and rainy every day. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Sounds tempting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Principal Larissa Weems''': Please don't make this more difficult than it already is, Marilyn. :'''Marilyn Thornhill''': My name is LAUREL! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Laurel Gates''': I can't tell you how I've longed for this moment, what it means for my family-- :'''Joseph Crackstone''': SILENCE, WOMAN! Begone! Or I will cut thy tongue from thy wretched MOUTH! :'''Laurel Gates''': Never meet your heroes... == Season 2 == === ''Here We Woe Again'' [2.1] === <hr width="50%"/> === ''The Devil You Woe'' [2.2] === :'''Wednesday Addams''': Who's there? :''[The slow clap continues until the pair of hands become visible along with the rest of the host's body, revealing the identity of Agnes DeMille.]'' :'''Agnes DeMille''': Happy Prank Day, Wednesday. :'''Wednesday Addams''': My crazed stalker is an invisible 13-year old? :''[Agnes reveals a key ring and tosses it onto Bruno and Enid's bodies. Thing proceeds to grab the key and starts freeing the two]'' :'''Agnes DeMille''': We haven't been properly introduced. ''[does a curtesy]'' I'm Agnes DeMille, your number one superfan. :'''Wednesday Addams''': You don't seriously expect me to believe you pulled off this elaborate prank solo. :'''Agnes DeMille''': I had a little help with some DaVincis. After I blackmailed them with incriminating SnapChat pics. Perks of being invisible. I just asked myself, "WWWD - What would Wednesday do?" ''[Both Enid and Bruno are freed]'' :'''Enid Sinclair''': That's my line, you little psycho! :'''Agnes DeMille''': I knew if I came up with the most twisted game, I'd get your attention. I hope it's lived up to your exacting standards. Admit it, you're a little impressed. :'''Enid Sinclair''': I can't believe we were almost perforated by your fangirl mini-me. ''[extends her nails into claws]'' Why don't I return the favor? ''[Bruno restrains her]'' :'''Agnes DeMille''': Park your claws, Rainbow Barbie! Besides, I got you some alone time with the pack hottie. Your welcome. :'''Wednesday Addams''': You almost burned my novel at the Founder's Pyre. :'''Agnes DeMille''': That was just an appetizer. This is the main course. :'''Wednesday Addams''': Then why kill Galpin and place his eyeball on Enid's cushion? :'''Enid Sinclair''': ''[disgusted]'' That eyeball was real?! :'''Agnes DeMille''': ''[confused]'' I didn't kill Galpin. I wanted to become your friend. Not your next murder case. ''[she reaches in her jacket pocket and whips out Galpin's phone]'' Took this as a souvenir. ''[hands the phone to Wednesday which she accepts]'' I already scrolled through his texts...and his emails. :'''Wednesday Addams''': ''[sensing that Agnes was telling the truth]'' So, if you didn't kill him, then who did? :'''Agnes DeMille''': I can help you find out. ''[gives a slight chuckle]'' :''[Later, Wednesday, Thing, Enid and Bruno are inside the elevator]'' :'''Enid Sinclair''': Only Wednesday Addams would have multiple stalkers. :'''Agnes DeMille''': Room for one more? :'''Enid Sinclair''': ''[still angry at Agnes almost killing the two]'' Wannabes take the stairs. ''[closes the door and lowers the elevator leaving Agnes behind]'' <hr width="50%"/> ===''Call of the Woe'' [2.3] === <hr width="50%"/> ===''If These Woes Could Talk'' [2.4] === <hr width="50%"/> ===''Hyde and Woe Seek'' [2.5] === <hr width="50%"/> ===''Woe Thyself'' [2.6] === :'''Enid Sinclair''': ''[narrating]'' Admit it. This is the Wednesday Addams you didn't know you needed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[all the students are watching Enid (in Wednesday's body) dancing to Blackpink's Boombayah]'' :'''Ajax Petropolus''': What the hell is going on here? :'''Bianca Barclay''': Looks like Wednesday Addams has finally cracked? ===''Woe Me the Money'' [2.7] === <hr width="50%"/> ===''This Means Woe'' [2.8] === <hr width="50%"/> == Cast == * [[Jenna Ortega]] - [[w:Wednesday Addams|Wednesday Addams]] ** Karina Varadi - Young Wednesday * [[w:Gwendoline Christie|Gwendoline Christie]] - Larissa Weems ** Oliver Wickham - Young Larissa Weems * [[w:Riki Lindhome|Riki Lindhome]] - Dr. Valerie Kinbott * [[w:Jamie McShane|Jamie McShane]] - Donovan Galpin * [[w:Hunter Doohan|Hunter Doohan]] - Tyler Galpin * [[w:Percy Hynes White|Percy Hynes White]] - Xavier Thorpe * [[w:Emma Myers|Emma Myers]] - Enid Sinclair * [[w:Joy Sunday|Joy Sunday]] - Bianca Barclay * Georgie Farmer - Ajax Petropolus * Naomi J. Ogawa - Yoko Tanaka * Moosa Mostafa - Eugene Otinger * [[w:Christina Ricci|Christina Ricci]] - Marilyn Thornhilly * [[w:William Houston (actor)|William Houston]] - Joseph Crackstone * [[w:Catherine Zeta-Jones|Catherine Zeta-Jones]] - [[w:Morticia Addams|Morticia Addams]] * [[w:Luis Guzmán|Luis Guzmán]] - [[w:Gomez Addams|Gomez Addams]] * [[w:Fred Armisen|Fred Armisen]] - [[w:Uncle Fester|Uncle Fester]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Horror comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] [[Category:TV shows about families]] [[Category:TV shows about teenagers]] [[Category:American fantasy comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:TV shows set in Vermont]] altj3ngketlqyqo6fsn3e3ftted2el8 0 261933 3955244 3913565 2026-06-22T07:06:24Z ~2026-18347-32 3304826 3955244 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{PAW Patrol header}} '''''{{w|Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie|PAW Patrol: The Mighty Movie}}''''' is a [[w:2023 in film|2023]] Canadian animated [[w:action-adventure film|action-adventure]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] and a sequel to ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'', which is about the PAW Patrol pups gain their superpowers from the meteor's crystals and must stop Mayor Humdinger and his new accomplice Victoria Vance from wreaking havoc in Adventure City. :''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]]. Written by Brunker and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]].'' {{center|'''Unleash your powers.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} {{film-stub}} == Skye == * ''[repeated line]'' No pup's too small! * I think I've got... superpowers! * We're gonna need a new name for ourselves. * I'm sorry that happened to you. ''['''Vance''': (coldly) Oh, what would you know about ''anything''? You're ''just'' a dog.]'' * I know what it's like to feel small and insignificant. Like you have to work twice as hard as everyone else just to prove you belong. That's why I risked everything to get my crystal back but all I did was make things worse. Turns out I am too small to make a difference. * It's time to shut down that Meteor Magnet once and for all. * ''[after Ryder ask her to destroy the meteors and always believed her]'' I'll give it everything I got, Ryder! * Let's take to the sky! * Let's do this! * Time to turn and burn! * All right, space rocks, what do you got? * ''[last lines; voiceover]'' We are the Mighty Pups: Defenders of Adventure City and guardians of all that's good in the world. With these superpowers comes a duty to protect all those who need our help. Our promise is to always do what's right and stop at nothing to keep the world safe. Because even the ''smallest pup''... can make the ''biggest difference''. == Chase == * I feel the need for super speed! * Humdinger, you're going back to jail. * ''[after Liberty and Rubble destroy the Meteor Magnet]'' Victoria Vance, you are under arrest for Arson, Kidnapping, Abuse of power, Gross negligence, Theft, Grand tampering, Public endangerment and High treason. * ''[stops Skye and gives his crystal to her]'' If you're going up against those meteors, you better take all the power you can get. == Liberty == * Great, now the clumsy pup shoots fireballs out of his paws. * ''[when she saves Chase from a cliff, she gasps as her power reveals to be elasticity]'' Look at me. I'm... I'm stretchy! That's my superpower! I'm elastic and fantastic! * Where do you think you're going? * Finally! She admits it. * ''[after Skye is revived by the pups' crystals and emerges from the ocean]'' You see that right there? ''That's'' why she's my favorite pup. == Victoria Vance == * Those should be my superpowers! * I'm gonna take them one by one. * And ''why'' should I care about ''other people''? They never cared about me. No matter how smart I was, they laughed at me and called me a mad scientist. So, I took matters into my own hands. I promised myself I'd never let anyone make me feel small and insignificant, ''ever again''. * ''['''Skye''': I'm sorry that happened to you.]'' Oh, what would you know about ''anything''? You're ''just'' a dog. * All right, puppies, playtime's over! Give me back that crystal! * ''['''Skye''': What have you done?!]'' What can I say? I guess (everyone was right, maybe) I ''am'' a mad scientist. ''['''Liberty''': Finally! She admits it.]'' == Delores == * ''[when Humdinger tries to step her]'' Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. == Others == * '''Cat Rubble''': ''[after Humdinger drops one of the pups' crystals and attached his tag; gasps]'' Oh, my goodness! I can talk! ''[laughing]'' I have so much to say! * '''Sam Stringer''': Give it up for Skye and the Mighty Pups! * '''Rubble''': And that's why I wear a hard hat. * '''Marshall''': If you mess with the fire pup, you're gonna get burned! * '''Rocky''': Keep your hands off our vehicles! * '''Zuma''': ''[emerges from the fountain and whirlpool Vance]'' These crystals belong to us, dude! * '''Nano''': ''[along with Mini and Tot's first rescue to defeat Humdinger]'' Junior Patrol is on a roll! * '''Mini''': ''[when her first meeting with Skye]'' Wow, Skye, I'm almost as tall as you! * '''Tot''': ''[after Chase puts Vance under arrest]'' Ooh, you're in ''big'' trouble! == Dialogue == <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vance''': ''[after Liberty caught her]'' You mangy mutts think you're so smart, but those meteors are coming down whether you like it or not! :'''Ryder''': She's telling the truth; there's hundreds of meteors heading straight for the city! :'''Skye''': ''[shocked]'' What have you done?! :'''Vance''': What can I say? I guess I ''am'' a mad scientist! ''[laughs maniacally]'' :'''Liberty''': ''[sarcastically]'' Finally! She admits it. :'''Ryder''': Skye, I need you to fly up there and destroy as many of those meteors as you can. :'''Skye''': ''[astonished]'' You still believe in me after everything that's happened? :'''Ryder''': I've ''always'' believed in you, Skye. You're the reason I started saying, "No pup's too small." :'''Skye''': ''[awe by Ryder's confession and accepts]'' I'll give it everything I got, Ryder! :'''Chase''': ''[stops Skye]'' Wait! If you're going up against those meteors, ''[takes his crystal off]'' you better take all the power you can get. :''[Chase gives his crystal to Skye while the rest of the pups do the same thing, powering themselves down before they transfer them to her, attached them in a six-pointed star formation in the process. Skye is astonished by this as she becomes supercharged once again]'' :'''Chase''': We believe in you, Skye. :'''Skye''': I won't let you down! <hr width="50%"/> <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Skye''': ''[voiceover]'' We are the Mighty Pups: Defenders of Adventure City and guardians of all that's good in the world. With these superpowers comes a duty to protect all those who need our help. Our promise is to always do what's right and stop at nothing to keep the world safe. Because even the ''smallest pup''... ''[releases her bandana into the wind]'' can make the ''biggest difference''. :''[Now freed from her insignificance, Skye smiles, no longer thinking of herself as insignificant or small because of her size. Then she sees her friends, the Junior Patrollers and Ryder join her to celebrate their victory]'' :'''Ryder''': No rescue's too big? :'''Skye''': ''[chuckles in agreement]'' No pup's too small! :''[Ryder, the PAW Patrol and the Junior Patrollers started to howl triumphantly in the sunset]'' ==Taglines== * Unleash your powers. * Super fly. (Skye tagline) * Fast and fur-ious. (Chase tagline) * Fierce flex. (Liberty tagline) * Triple threat. (Junior Patrollers tagline) * Wreck and roll. (Rubble tagline) * Bring the heat. (Marshall tagline) * A real pup lantern. (Rocky tagline) * Making waves. (Zuma tagline) ==Cast== * {{w|Mckenna Grace}} — Skye * {{w|Christian Convery}} — Chase * {{w|Marsai Martin}} — Liberty * Finn Lee-Epp — Ryder * [[Taraji P. Henson]] — Victoria "Vee" Vance * {{w|Ron Pardo}} — Mayor Humdinger and Cap'n Turbot * Luxton Handspiker — Rubble * Christian Corrao — Marshall * Callum Shoniker — Rocky * Nylan Parthipan — Zuma * {{w|Alan Kim}} — Nano * {{w|North West (musician)|North West}} — Mini * Brice Gonzalez — Tot * [[Chris Rock]] — Cat Rubble * {{w|James Marsden}} — Hank * [[Kristen Bell]] — Janet * {{w|Lil Rel Howery}} — Sam Stringer * {{w|Serena Williams}} — Yoga Yvette * {{w|Kim Kardashian}} — Delores * Saint West — Meteor Max * {{w|Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts}} — Mayor Goodway * {{w|Dan Duran (broadcaster)|Dan Duran}} — Radio announcer * {{w|Sugith Varughese}} — Prison guard * Josh Graham — Computer voice * {{w|Neil Crone}} — Tony * Monique Alvarez — Carmen * Stephanie Belding — Computer voice == External links == {{wikipedia|Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie}} * {{IMDb title|15837338}} [[Category:2023 computer-animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:Canadian animated films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:2023 American animated films]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Films about children]] [[Category:American animated action films]] [[Category:American animated adventure films]] [[Category:American animated comedy films]] [[Category:American animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]] [[Category:Films about mad scientists]] [[Category:Animated films about friendship]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:PAW Patrol]] 1j4k39kc6xbmornyffyk2cdlhc36kxn 0 262107 3955063 3954147 2026-06-21T13:49:12Z ~2026-36165-42 3344243 3955063 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] [[The Loud House (season 10)|10]] [[The Loud House (season 11)|11]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas Movie: Naughty or Nice]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]''' ---- '''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children. ==Episode 1== ===''Waking History'' [7.1a]=== :'''Todd''': '''You are just going to reanimate her anyway, aren't you?''' :'''Lisa''': Todd, we need to have a scientific obligation to solve the universe's greatest mysteries. And if that leads to a museum wing being named after me, who am I to quibble? :'''Todd''': '''But how are we just going to do it?''' :'''Lisa''': Dr. Alvarez shall and will just be out for her volleyball tournament tomorrow. It'll just become the perfectest time. We'll just feel early, before the museum starts to open. Looking forward to meeting you, prehistoric woman. ===''Pranks Fore Nothing'' [7.1b]=== :'''Raj''': ''[sitting on his own knees]'' No! Not the Prank War! It is the bane of my existence every year. No matter how hard we try we never like to come anywhere besides beating the Sand Trap team. ''[groans]'' They're just too good for it! :'''Ewan''': The worst part is that the losing team has to clean the winners toilets for a month. :'''Lori''': Well, save your own plungers, people, because Lori Loud tries to clean no one's own toilets. I literally come from the prankiest family ever. I can win this for us. <hr width="50%"> :'''Luan''': A little advice… Now that you know the pranking basics, remember, anything can be a prank. And I mean anything. ==Episode 2== ===''Child's Play'' [7.2a]=== :'''Luan''': ''[entering her and Luna's own bedroom]'' Hey! It's the Moon Goats! My favorite ''[bleats] BAAA-''nd! <hr width="50%"> :'''Luna''': ''[groaning]'' We got zilch. :'''Sully''': Agh! And we've been working forever. How long has it been? Hours? Days?! :'''Mazzy''': ''[checks the time on her phone]'' It's been seven minutes. :'''Sam''': This is ''very'' hard. How are we supposed to find songs toddlers rock to? <hr width="50%"> :'''Birthday Boy''': Another song! :'''Sam''': Aw, sorry, little guy. But we've only got… :'''Birthday Boy''': ''[grabs Sam by the collar and pulls her into his face; viciously]'' It's my birthday and I want another song! <hr width="50%"> :'''Katherine''': Excuse me. Pardon me. Award-winning news celebrity coming through. Nice to meet you. I'm… :'''Moon Goats''': ''[surprised]'' Katherine Mulligan! :'''Katherine''': Yes, I'm here with my favorite niece, Adeline Mulligan. ''[turns around, revealing Adeline in a baby harness on her back]'' And I need to say, your own band is really a toddler sensation. I love to have you perform on my morning show, Kat Chat. Start the other day with a hot, steaming up of Katherine! :'''Luna''': A gig? On TV?! For ''REAL?!'' :'''Katherine''': Absolutely. And Katherine Mulligan pays a generous appearance fee. So, what do you say? :'''Luna''': Let me discuss with my associates. :''[The Moon Goats huddle up in a circle]'' :'''Sam''': Guys, we could get those thumpin' speakers, like, ''way'' faster! :'''Mazzy''': Yeah, and probably still have some money left for that awesome stage package we saw, remember? :''[They imagine themselves rocking out with the new speakers and confetti cannons]'' :'''Sully''': ''[dreamily]'' Oh, many pretty colors. :'''Moon Goats''': We're in! :'''Katherine''': Great! Let's say, tomorrow morning. Oh, and one thing, I want you to play a new song. Katherine Mulligan likes her performances the way she likes her breaking news: exclusive! Now, I have to go. My niece has seemingly escaped. ''[leaves]'' Adeline Mulligan, do not lick that cake! :'''Mazzy''': New speakers, here we come! <hr width="50%"> :''[The Moon Goats sit outside in the front yard as Luna paces around, back and forward; backwards and forth]'' :'''Sam''': Without Lily, we seem to have no songs for tomorrow morning! Our own big TV debut is currently just gonna act like a big bust! :'''Luna''': We need to think about something. :'''Mazzy''': ''[as Sully gasps]'' I swear, if this is gas again… :'''Sully''': No, no, no, no, no. I just realize Lily's not the only baby in the city. :'''Luna''': ''[gasps]'' Yes, yes! All we need to do is snag a tune from another toddler! Sully, you're a total genius! :'''Sully''': Told you nothing bad happened… ''[belches]'' Okay, some of it was gas. ===''Force of Habits'' [7.2b]=== :'''Leni''': Why do ''you'' folks care to try to deal with Bobby and Sam's annoying habits? :''[Lori and Luna laugh, giggle, chuckle, cackle, guffaw, snicker, titter, snort, tee-hee, chortle, and lament]'' :'''Lori''': Bobby doesn't need to have any annoying habits. He's literally perfect. :'''Luna''': Sam, too. Sorry we couldn't help you, sis. <hr width="50%"> :''[Lori and Luna return home, both annoyed after their dates with Bobby and Sam, revealing they have annoying habits too]'' :'''Lori''': Did you folks ever notice that Bobby sings everything he does? :'''Luna''': Sam's worse. She can't make up her favorite mind! It took her fifteen minutes to pick a seat on the bus! By the time she sat down, we'd arrived at our favorite stops! :'''Leni''': Those start to sound like annoying habits to me. But don't worry. ''Sixteen 1/2 Magazine'' didn't let me down tonight. ''[opens the magazine]'' Listen: '''"Your favorite partner is a real work in real progress. If they're going to have annoying habits cuz they want to have annoying habits, it's up to you to get rid of them and make your favorite partner easier."''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Leni and Gavin are having lunch at the Royal Woods Mall food court]'' :'''Gavin''': ''[blushing]'' I laugh, giggle, chuckle, cackle, guffaw, snicker, titter, snort, tee-hee, chortle, and lament? I didn't do any of that. ''[laughs, giggles, chuckles, cackles, guffaws, snickers, titters, snorts, tee-hees, chortles, and laments strongly or weakly]'' Oh, how embarrassing. :'''Leni''': Oh, don't feel embarrassed. I'm only trying to point it out so anyone can fix it and be truer. :'''Gavin''': Thanks, Leni. I appreciate that. I promise I will ''spa-get'' better! ''[laughs at his own joke, then stops before laughing, giggling, chuckling, cackling, guffawing, snickering, tittering, snorting, tee-heeing, chortling, and lamenting]'' Ah, see? :''[Meanwhile, at the Loud House…]'' :'''Sam''': I seem to have no idea how bad we felt. I'm definitely going to work on it... or maybe I'll see a therapist… or shall I just try to journal? ''[realizes what she's doing; blushes]'' Oops, I'm doing it again. :'''Luna''': But you caught it. You're already true. :''[Meanwhile, at the park…]'' :'''Bobby''': ''[blushing]'' Wow. Most times, I don't know I'm… ''♪ singing! ♪ [catches himself and tries to clear his throat]'' Singing. :'''Lori''': That's why you're very lucky to have me. I can try to point these things out and help make you truer. :'''Bobby''': Thanks, Babe. <hr width="50%"> :'''Luna''': No better reason to celebrate than with Dad's tear-soaked red velvet cake. :'''Leni''': Hold on! Totes, I need to try to post this on SwiftyPic. ''[takes a picture of the cake]'' :'''Lori''': And, now that we've just fixed our favorite partners' annoying habits, we can start trying to plan… :'''Lori, Luna, and Leni''': The triple-date to Dairyland! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': Today's just been a fun day! :'''Sam''': Yeah, it was a cool idea to do a triple-date. :'''Gavin''': Especially at Dairyland. :'''Lori''': Wait! Leni, you haven't posted a pic of your lunch yet. :'''Leni''': Oh, I'm not doing any of that anymore. Some people think I don't live in the moment enough, even though those people know, I already live in Royal Woods. :'''Gavin''': Wait, are you mad about what I said? :'''Leni''': Why would I be mad? ''[offering Luna two breadsticks]'' Here, Luna, I saved you two breadsticks for your drum solo. :'''Luna''': No thanks. Some people think it'd be better if I'd limited my musical solos to Moon Goat shows. :'''Sam''': Wait, was that a dig at ''me?'' :'''Lori''': No. The other dig is telling someone they say "literally" all of the other times. Some people have suggested much to me before. :'''Bobby''': Seriously, babe? :'''Lori''': Oops, I'm sorry. Did I say the other word again? I guess I'm literally getting out of another weird control. Literally, literally, literally, literally… :''[The three older Loud sisters start resuming their own annoying habits]'' :'''Leni''': And post, and post, and post! :'''Lori''': …literally, literally, literally, literally, literally… :'''Bobby''': How come it's okay for you gals to point out ''our'' annoying habits, but before we try to point out ''yours'', you seem to feel mad?! :'''Lori''': Because you only did it to get back at us! :'''Gavin''': No, we didn't. :'''Sam''': We were really just being helpful, like ''you'' were with us. :'''Lori, Luna & Leni''': Yeah, wright, correct! :'''Gavin''': You know what? I don't think I wanna grow up this date anymore. :'''Bobby''': Me neither. :'''Sam''': I'm with you folks. Come on. ''[she, Gavin and Bobby walk away]'' :'''Lori''': No, you folks. Wait. ''[their favorite partners smile hopefully]'' Because ''we'' are literally leaving first! ''[she, Leni and Luna try to storm off, angrily]'' :''[After a short pause, Bobby, Gavin and Sam walk away in the opposite direction, grumpily; Later, while riding the Seas of Cheese ride, the three older Loud sisters are angry about their favorite partners]'' :'''Leni''': Boy, they had a lot of nerve! :'''Luna''': They don't really realize how hurt they were being! :'''Lori''': ''[realize to remember something; regretfully]'' Oh, now that I think about it, if I remember what they said to us was hurt, maybe one of you may remember what we said to them was hurt, too. :'''Leni''': O-M-Gosh, you're wright, you're correct! We might never try to point out their annoying habits in the first place if you was born at all! ''[gasps]'' Which means ''Sixteen 1/2 Magazine'' was... wrong! Ah, I'm gonna enjoy a long moment for now cuz I wanna enjoy a long moment for now. :'''Luna''': You're wright, you're correct, dudes and dudettes. If you care to meet people about someone, you may accept them for who they are. I know! That's the lyrics to many songs! ==Episode 3== ===''Candy Crushed'' [7.3a]=== :'''Rita''': ''[sits on Lola's bed]'' Lola, sweetie, it seems like your sweet tooth is getting out of hand. Maybe it's another time to take a little break from treats. :'''Lola''': A little break from treats? ''[scoffs]'' Please. It's not like I need to have a problem at all. :'''Rita''': You're eating a lollipop anyhow. :'''Lola''': What? ''[removes a lollipop from her mouth which she is indeed eating]'' Who put that there? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lynn''': Aw, yeah, baby! Another time to carb load before the big game! :'''Lola''': ''[throws the French toast away and grabs Lynn by the collar; threateningly]'' You're either with me or against me, Lynn! :'''Lana''': Alright! Breakfast on the floor! You gals finally listened to me! ===''Master of Delusion'' [7.3b]=== :'''Lincoln''': ''[looking into a Crystal Ball]'' That's Madame Mystery's crystal globe. ''[then sees a display case across the hall from it containing playing cards and a photo of a female magician]'' Ooh, and those are The Great Colangelo's Cards of Chaos. ''[looks and walks over to a small box with a series of sound slots below a red button protected by a translucent yellow cover; picks it up]'' Ooh, what's this? ''[shakes it]'' A box of magical wonders? :'''Brailster''': ''[takes the box]'' Close, it's a smoke alarm. ''[puts it back]'' Please don't touch anything. The chateau is full of trap doors. Rumor has it there are magicians who have gone missing in the chateau and have never been found. :'''Lincoln''': That's awesome. ''[Brailster gives him a smirking look]'' I mean… not for them. Of course. ==Episode 4== ===''Bye Bye Birthday'' [7.4a]=== :'''Bertrand''': Apologies, dear friends. I'm afraid my spell work has suffered since my exile aboard that cruise ship. :'''Lucy''': ''[lying on a grave; moaning]'' Sigh… Big sigh… :'''Bertrand''': Worry not, Lucy. We shall get to the Underworld someday. :'''Lucy''': It's not that. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my tragic arrival on this Earth. :'''Morticians''': ''[confused]'' Huh? :'''Lucy''': My 9th birthday. :''[Boris plays a sad tune, while the other Morticians approach her for comfort]'' :'''Haiku''': My condolences. :'''Dante''': How dreadful. :'''Boris''': Oh, why must normie society insist on celebrating life? :'''Lucy''': I'm afraid my birthdays are even worse than a typical normie celebration. Every year, my family subjects me to the same traditions. ''[Flashback to one of her birthdays; narrating]'' They start the day at a frightening pitch. :'''Flashback Louds''': ''[barge into her and Lynn's room with balloons, noisemakers, and confetti after she wakes up]'' Happy Birthday, Lucy! :''[Cut to later of Rita putting the Loud birthday sash on her, which hasn't been washed]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[narrating]'' Then they force me to wear the traditional Loud birthday sash. I suspect it's never been washed. :'''Flashback Lana''': Hey, it's my booger from my 3rd birthday! ''[eats it, making Lucy gag]'' :''[Cut to the Louds bouncing inside a bouncy house, that's clearly been reused for countless birthdays]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[narrating]'' Then I'll be subjected to the dreaded bouncy castle, a family birthday staple ever since my dad got it on clearance. :'''Flashback Lynn Sr.''': See, Rita? I told you we'd get our money's worth. :''[Cut to the Louds singing the birthday song for Lucy at Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[narrating]'' Then, there's the singing. ''[shudders]'' Oh, the singing. :'''Flashback Louds''': ''[singing]'' ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪ :'''Flashback Lucy''': Sigh… finally, the torture ends. :'''Flashback Luna''': Now in French, ''les'' dudes! ''[starts singing the birthday song in French with the waiters] ♪ Bon anniversaire à toi, bon anniversaire à toi… ♪ :'''Lucy''': Groan… ''[back to present; the Morticians gasp in horror]'' I wish my family would just forget about my birthday. ===''Tough Guise'' [7.4b]=== :'''Lincoln''': All right, team, we need a story that's gonna top last week's feature: Water Fountain Etiquette with Clyde. Any suggestions? :'''Action News Team''': Hmm… :'''Rusty''': Ooh, I got one! Me! :'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' No, we're not doing another piece on your ab routine, Rusty. :'''Stella''': ''[takes a box of complains]'' Yeah, we're ''still'' sifting through the complaint letters. :'''Rusty''': Say what you want. There's one name on everybody's lips. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': ''[grabs and picks up Zach by the backpack after being tackled]'' You need two seconds to tell me what the blue blazes is going on! :'''Zach''': Don't panic, but there's an alien inside of you, Mr. B. I can totally prove it! See ''[shows his detector]'' It's flashing, which means… ''[his detector is low on battery power]'' Low battery… ''[chuckles sheepishly]'' Let's just call this a whoopsie. :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': ''[drops him]'' A whoopsie?! We must call it… ''[yelling angrily in his face] '''TWO DAYS' DETENTION FOR TACKLING A TEACHER, GURDLE?!''' [storms off]'' :'''Lincoln''': You okay, Zach? :'''Stella''': We saw everything. :'''Zach''': Uh, yeah. Well, at least it's only two days of detention. ''[his friends gasp]'' What? What's the big deal? I've had detention before. :'''Rusty''': Yeah, in elementary school. This is middle school! The other bullies are bigger, and so are their wedgies! :'''Lincoln''': Yeah. Lynn once told me about a kid who went to detention, and the other kids gave him a wedgie very hard, it stunted his growth! :'''Zach''': ''[shudders nervously]'' Oh, great. What am I gonna do?! :'''Rusty''': Don't worry, dawg. I'll be there to help you because I need to help you. ==''Road Trip''== ===''Bizarritorium (Episode 5)''=== :'''Lincoln''': It's summer break for the Louds! That starts to mean three months of nonstop fun! :'''Mr. Grouse''': It's summer break for the Louds. That starts to mean three months of nonstop torture. <hr width="50%"> :''[An RV pulls up in front of the house and Rita steps out with a smile on her face]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Rita? Whose RV is this? :'''Rita''': Ours! At least for the summer. Earlier today, I was in Jesse's office at the Gazette. :''[Flashback to earlier…]'' :'''Jesse''': ''[on the phone]'' Here's the cover story, Linda: Travel writer does column about manure farms in Michigan. Editor Jesse Hiller, furious! Nobody wants to read about cow doo-doo over their morning coffee. Well, I've just been handed this news update: YOU'RE FIRED! ''[angrily hangs up]'' Oh, what am I gonna do, Rita? Wanted: Someone to write our summer travel column. Someone willing to hit the road, zigzagging the country in an RV, all expenses paid, willing to start extra, extra soon! :''[Back to present]'' :'''Lincoln''': So does this mean…? :'''Rita''': Yep, and she's letting me write the column! What do you say? You folks up for a summer-long adventure? :''[Lynn Sr. and the siblings all cheer]'' :'''Lola''': Finally, I'll escape this fourth-rate town! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': If I want to stop at the Bizzaritorium, I need to make sure we end up with ''lots'' of extra times. Phase One: Operation Turn the Clocks Forward. This calls for some David Steele stealth action. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Louds arrive at Dr. Weirdly's Bizzaritorium, only to find that it's gone out of business before]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[dismayed]'' How can it be out of business?! :'''Mr. Coconuts''': What a shocker, huh? Who isn't into a bunch of creepy, old tchotchkes? :'''Rita''': Aw, I'm so sorry, sweetie. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Look on the bright side, kiddo. We've begun with a big summer ahead of us. I bet we'll find a mummy somewhere else cuz we want to find a mummy somewhere else! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Well, if I didn't get to see the Bizarritorum, at least everyone knows I ended up with a cool souvenir earlier. Who knows? Maybe it'll be my very own good luck charm. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lola''': ''[overhearing Lincoln, realizing he stole the Mummy's cursed ring and cursed the family]'' MOM! Lincoln stole a ring from the Mystic Mummy of Mystery and cursed our family! :''[The other sisters berate Lincoln for cursing them]'' :'''Luna''': Oh, come on! :'''Lori''': Seriously?! :'''Lana''': Way to go, Lincoln! :'''Lily''': Bad Lincoln! :'''Lola''': Not to mention the ring is tacky. ''[lightning strikes close to where she's standing]'' Sorry, Mr. Mystic Mummy of Mystery, sir! :'''Lincoln''': Folks, I'm sorry. It was a honest mistake. Can't I just put it back? :'''Lucy''': Unfortunately, no. According to my spell book, once you put the ring on, you activated the curse. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, that's just great! I guess we're cursed for life for now! Check that off the old bucket list! :'''Lucy''': Not necessarily. According to this, there is one way to lift the curse. We'll be able to make an offering to the spirit of the mummy cuz we wanna make an offering to the spirit of the mummy. But we'll gather ingredients for a potion first cuz we want to gather ingredients for a potion first. :'''Rita''': I'm sorry. We do not need to have many times for that. We need to get to that barrel race. That mummy is just gonna wait. ''[tries to head back to Camperzilla, reaches for the door, but lightning strikes, knocking her back on her back]'' Okay, offering it is. <hr width="50%"> :''[After the Mummy's spirit disappears while the curse was lifted…]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[sits up]'' Folks, it worked! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, may you look at that if you people like to look at that? The Louds conquered a very ancient curse! Go, us! :'''Rita''': ''[realizes]'' Just one problem. ''[checks her watch]'' We've only forgotten 30 minutes to get to [[w:Niagara Falls|Niagra Falls]] in time for the Barrel Day competition! We'll never make it cuz we never want to make it! ===Episode 6=== ====''Bringing Down the House'' [7.6a]==== :''[The Louds arrive in the state of [[w:Washington D.C.|Washington D.C]] to visit the [[w:White House|White House]]]'' :'''Rita''': It's amazing that Jesse got us VIP tour passes to the White House! Are you kids excited back there? :'''Lynn''': I know I am! I read that the White House has its own bowling-alley. :'''Lana''': I hear there's a whole room devoted to ice cream sundaes. :'''Lola''': I can't wait to see the dresses worn by all the First Ladies. :'''Lynn Sr.''': I'm excited to take a real peek at that kitchen. I bet they have wooden spatulas dating back to the 1800s. Oh, I can just imagine all the splinters I'm gonna get! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[to the receptionist]'' Hi, there's not really, like, a dungeon here, wright, correct? :'''Receptionist''': There is. In fact, a month ago, a guy taking a tour turned on a light without permission. He spent a week down there. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bullsworth''': And that concludes our own tour. I'm surprised. I expected you to be trouble, but you were all well-behaved. Eh, too bad for me. I didn't get to let the dog out. ''[snarls at the Louds again in bulldog mode]'' Alright, please make your way to the White House exit. ''[leaves]'' :'''Lynn''': That is one strange little man. :'''Rita''': Kids, I'm sorry you didn't get the tour you hoped for, but I'm proud of you for being very good. Now, who wants to hit the hotel pool? :''[The siblings follow her, excitedly, except Lynn and the twins, who're feeling guilty for breaking the rules]'' :'''Lynn''': Wait! We can't leave. There's one little problem. ''[Flashback to her in the Presidential Bowling Room, she accidentally tosses a bowling ball so hard, it breaks the wooden floor of a bowling lane and gasps in horror]'' :'''Lana''': Actually, two little problems. ''[Flashback to her in the sundae room, she accidentally breaks off the handle of the ice cream dispenser, causing the ice cream to overflow]'' :'''Lola''': Make that three little problems? ''[chuckles sheepishly; Flashback to her in the First Ladies' Boutique, she struts all over the floor, then trips, accidentally ripping the dress's bottom half off and gasps in horror]'' :'''Rita''': ''[shocked and angry at all]'' Seriously?! I can't believe three of you! :'''Luna''': Uh, make that four. ''[Flashback to her in the Presidential Music Room, she tries to rock out with a golden guitar and accidentally snaps off one of the strings]'' :'''Lincoln''': Five. ''[Flashback to him in the President's office, he spins around in the president's swivel chair, accidentally spinning out of another whole control and hits a bust of Abraham Lincoln, trying to cause it to fall onto the ground and break into pieces, and gulps in horror]'' :'''Rita''': Kids, how could you?! Your own favorite father and I are very disappointed, aren't we, honey? :'''Lynn Sr.''': Uh… ''[sheepishly chuckles]'' Well, um… ''[Flashback to him in the kitchen, humming a tune as he plays with a spatula, then accidentally flings it into the president's birthday cake, which collapses]'' :'''Rita''': ''[sharped]'' Lynn! :'''Lynn Sr.''': You'll just enjoy plenty of times to yell at me later, Rita, before the Bulldog tries to track us down and sends us to the dungeon forever! :'''Lincoln''': He's not gonna do that cuz he doesn't wanna let us sneak back in and fix everything before he notices. ====''The Mountain Hard Pass'' [7.6b]==== :''[The Louds drive through a mountain range as they enter the state of [[w:Colorado|Colorado]]]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers while playing video games with Lana]'' You know, I'm really getting used to life on the whole road. Living with the bare essentials isn't very bad. :'''Lana''': You said it. :'''Lori''': ''[relaxing her favorite body and her on a massage chair; voice vibrating]'' RV living is literally the life for us. ''[Camperzilla suddenly comes to a halt; notices]'' Why're we stopping? :'''Rita''': Very exciting news. For my next piece in the travel series, we are going to check out the beauty of the [[w:Rocky Mountains|Rocky Mountains]] here in Colorado cuz we want to check out the beauty of the [[w:Rocky Mountains|Rocky Mountains]] here in Colorado. :''[The Loud siblings look out the window as Lori pulls the blinds and see the majestic beauty of the Rocky Mountains, all uninterested]'' :'''Lincoln''': Cool. :'''Lola''': Definitely rocky. :'''Luna''': Sweet. :'''Rita''': ''[pulls the blinds again after Lori shuts them]'' No, I meant we're going outside for an invigorating 10-mile hike! You folks love it! :''[Lana shuts the blinds this time while the siblings are all still uninterested]'' :'''Lincoln''': Nah. :'''Luna''': I'm good. :'''Lola''': You folks have fun. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[enters, wearing Lincoln's blue convincing suit, that's too tight for him; strained]'' Come on, fam. :'''Lincoln''': Hmm… Is that my convincing suit? ===Episode 7=== ====''From Brad to Worse'' [7.7a]==== :'''Rita''': ''[recognizes the dark-skinned bearded man]'' Wait, is that…? :'''Brad''': ''[turns around and recognizes Rita in surprise]'' Huh? Rita? Is that you? :'''Rita''': ''[gasps delightfully]'' Brad Plaid?! ''[runs up to him and they hug]'' :'''Brad''': Hot diggity, it ''is'' you! ''[straightens his glasses]'' And I remember these glasses are starting to monkey with me. What's a Michigander like you doing here? :'''Rita''': I'm actually writing a column about life on the road with a big family. :'''Brad''': No kidding? So you became a writer after all? I always knew you would. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Hey, honey. :'''Brad''': Howdy, sir. Do you like an autograph? ''[takes out a pen and signs his name on Lynn Sr.'s forehead]'' :'''Rita''': Oh. ''[laughs]'' This is my favorite husband, Lynn. Everyone, this is Brad. He and I remembered ourselves from Camp Can Do and we grew up. ====''Doll Day Afternoon'' [7.7b]==== :'''Luan''': I'm so stuffed, I could be a Thanksgiving turkey. ''[belches so hard, her siblings and parents are grossed out]'' :'''Luna''': ''[disgusted]'' Not cool, Luan! :'''Luan''': It wasn't me! It was Mr. Coconuts! ''[speaks for Mr. Coconuts, not realizing he's '''not''' on her hand]'' You know I can't resist the all-you-can-eat coleslaw bar. ''[looks at her hand, remembering he's not there and screams in panic, shaking Camperzilla, and freaking out the parents]'' '''''WHERE'S MR. COCONUTS?!''''' ''[lifts up the couch in panic to find him]'' :'''Luna''': All right, chill, dude. Where's the other last, final place you remember having him? :'''Luan''': ''[sets the couch down]'' At the last, final diner! I ordered a wood-fired pizza, and I'll never forget the other look he gave me here because I never care to forget the other look he gave me here. ''[enters the driver's den]'' We neec to turn back! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, jeez, sweetie, that… that diner is 50 miles in the other direction-- :'''Luan''': Dad, he's a member of the family! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[changes his mind]'' No Loud left behind! <hr width="50%"> :''[After Calvin Coconuts tells the Louds the story of how he created Mr. Coconuts, revealing that he's his true creator…]'' :'''Luan''': So all of this starts to mean… ''[gasps]'' Mr. Coconuts was never really mine. ''[takes one look at him and makes a decision]'' Calvin, I think Mr. Coconuts should stay with you. :''[The family gasps at this]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Luan, are you sure? :'''Luan''': Yes. I need to do the other wright, correct thing. ''[sniffles, trying to hold back tears]'' This is for the best. ''[Her family hugs her and she goes over to Calvin, giving him back Mr. Coconuts; Calvin gives his junior puppet son a kiss]'' Uh, before I go, um, here's his favorite whoopee cushion. And his toothbrush. And actually, I have his travel suitcase right here. ''[hands him over a whoopee cushion, Mr. Coconuts' toothbrush, and his suitcase; gives one last smile at Mr. Coconuts before returning to her family]'' Oh, here's looking at you, toots. ''[returns to being dejected and leaves]'' :''[Later that night in Camperzilla, Luan sits at the dining table, sadly looking out the window before her own favorits parents comfort her]'' :'''Rita''': I am proud of you, Luan. I know that wasn't easy. :'''Luan''': Thanks, Mom. I can't believe I'll never see Mr. Coconuts here because I never care to see Mr. Coconuts here again. I'm just gonna miss his jokes, his favorite smile, his pine-fresh scent… :''[Calvin and Mr. Coconuts suddenly pop in]'' :'''Mr. Coconuts''': Hey, what about my boyish charm? ===Episode 8=== ====''Screen Queen'' [7.8a]==== :'''Rita''': That tour will be great for my article on ''Hollywood Hot-spots.'' :'''Lori''': This was literally my fave part of the tour. ''[she shows Luan a picture on her phone of Lynn Sr. holding what looks like an umbrella, only for a mechanical shark to bite him in the bottom; She, Luna, Luan, Lucy, and Lana all laugh at their father's misfortune]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[showing the back of his trousers]'' Boy, that shark sure was ''cheeky. [smiles amusingly]'' :'''Luan''': ''[giggles]'' It must have thought you were a ''rump roast. [Luan, Luna, Lynn Sr., Rita, Lori, Lucy, and Lana laugh at Luan's joke] :'''Lola''': If anyone asks, we're not together. ====''Hide and Sneak'' [7.8b]==== :''[The Louds arrive in Great Lakes City as their final destination of their summer road trip so Rita can write her deadline for her column in the Gazette, but doesn't want the family to interact with the Casagrandes]'' :'''Rita''': Okay, kids, listen up. This is the ''last'' stop of our summer road trip and we like to enjoy the other day getting packed. ''[goes over her notepad]'' Lunch at Goddess Greens, Great Lakes City Tower, and a concert series in the park. :'''Lincoln''': Sweet! When do we need to see the Casagrandes? I can't wait for myself to tell Ronnie Anne about our favorite trips. :'''Lori''': ''[answers her phone as it starts to ring; excitedly]'' Hey, Boo-Boo Bear! Guess where I am? :'''Rita''': ''[swipes Lori's phone out of her hand]'' Literally Mount Rushmore! ''[imitates signal breaking]'' Losing reception, babe! Call you later! :'''Lori''': Mom, what was that?! :'''Rita''': Um… We do love to visit the Casagrandes. But my last travel piece for the Gazette is due tonight, and we need to hit all of these places. There's just no time to stop by. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah, if we want to get everything on your Mom's list done, they can't remember we're here. We'll just visit them another time, okay, kiddos? :'''Luna''': I guess so. Plus, I don't wanna miss that concert. :'''Lola''': And I want a glamor shot from the top of the GLC Tower, looking down at all of the other little people. :'''Lori''': ''[unsure]'' I don't know, you folks. I feel weird about this. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Louds are at Goddess Greens to order some lunch]'' :'''Rita''': ''[taking notes with a tape recorder]'' Whatever you're into, Great Lakes City has it all. That is, if you have another time to do all of it. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[having trouble reading the menu; uncomfortable]'' Hon, I'm not sure I'm cool enough for this place. There's nothing on this menu but emojis. What am I supposed to order? The dinosaur or the winky face? :'''Rita''': I'm sure everything is fabulous, hon. Jesse said this was the trendiest restaurant in the city. :'''Leni''': ''[sharing a menu with Lincoln]'' Oh, it totes is. It's Carlota's fave spot. She comes here all of the other time. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[even more worried]'' What?! Why didn't you tell us? :'''Rita''': Lynn, it's fine! It's nearly impossible to get a reservation. What are the odds that Carlota got one at the same time as us? :'''Carlota''': ''[entering the restaurant with Mia] Hola!'' I like to have a ''noun rez uner'' Casagrande. ''[blows kisses to everyone as the Loud family gasp in horror and quickly hide their faces]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[whispering]'' We need to get out of here! :'''Rita''': ''[whispering]'' I didn't try the other food. I'll just do nothing to write about! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[whispering quickly]'' If Carlota sees us, you'll be writing about the other end of your friendship with the Casagrandes! <hr width="50%"> :''[As the Louds get a view of the city while visiting the Great Lakes City Tower, Carl and Sergio show up there, too, and try to block the elevator]'' :'''Carl''': ''[in his El Falcón costume while Sergio and his pigeon friends eat a pretzel]'' Ah, man! You guys got a whole pretzel?! All I nabbed was some peanuts. ''[drops the peanuts to the ground and annoyingly pretends to eat them, pigeon-style]'' :'''Lori''': ''[gasps]'' Carl, too?! They're right by the elevator! How are we just going to get out of here?! :''[Lynn spots a window cleaner exiting the platform with his supplies, walking past them; gets an idea; The Louds are all now on the platform holding on to each other a few seconds later]'' :'''Lisa''': By my rough calculations, factoring in our combined weight and this platform's capacity, I'm afraid we're… ''[gasps]'' :''[One of the ropes on the right side snaps, trying to cause it, and the Louds, to slant]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[completes the sentence]'' Maniacs. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Louds are watching a jazz band finishing their performance at the GLC park]'' :'''Luna''': ''[throws up horns to them]'' You rock! I mean, you jazz. Y-You get what I'm saying! :'''Rita''': Well, we did it. We saw everything we needed to see for my article. :'''Luan''': Ah, that's a relief. For a second there, I didn't think we'd be able to avoid the Casagrandes. :'''Lori''': ''[sees Hector and Bobby playing their duet on stage; gasps in shock]'' Is that… Hector and Bobby?! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[whispering]'' Let's move, people! :''[The Louds try to make a run for it, but they see Frida, Rosa, Carlitos, and Carlos having a tamale picnic, and make a U-turn, but also see Carl and CJ playing frisbee]'' :'''Lucy''': We're doomed. <hr width="50%"> :''[As the Louds head back to Camperzilla after escaping the park, they see Carlota approaching them on one side while on her phone, and Ronnie Anne approaching them on the opposite while riding her skateboard, and run across the street]'' :'''Lincoln''': Quick! In here! :''[The family quickly enter a building and all sigh in relief]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[seeing what the building looks like as the family have been here before]'' Why does this place look familiar? :''[They turn to look outside and see that they entered the Casagrandes apartment building]'' :'''Lori''': Uh, 'cause this is literally the Casagrandes building! :'''Lynn''': ''[groans annoyingly and pushes Lincoln]'' Great move, Stinkoln! Worth a rebellion to beeft! <hr width="50%"> :'''Rosa''': ''[entering the rooftop, and finds the Loud family]'' Louds? What're all of you doing here? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[nervously]'' Rosa! H-H-Hey! We were, uhhh... just, you know, uh, trying out Lisa's new teleportation device. ''[chuckles]'' It works! ''[to Lisa]'' Nice job, sweetie. :'''Lisa''': ''[facepalms]'' Oh, jeez. :'''Leni''': O-M-Gosh, really? I thought we were hiding from the Casagrandes. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[winces]'' Uh… :'''Rita''': ''[also winces]'' Oh. :'''Rosa''': What? ''[hurt]'' Hiding from us? I don't understand. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rita''': We needto fix this. :'''Lincoln''': But what about your article? :'''Rita''': Some things are important, Lincoln. ''[Later that evening, inside Apartment 2A; explains to the Casagrandes about why they did what they had to do, when they hurt their feelings]'' So the whole point of not telling you was to spare your feelings, but clearly by sneaking around, we've just tried to hurt you more. :'''Rosa''': Yes, you have. You could feel honest with us, we might remember if we was born. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[tearing up]'' We tried to mess up. :'''Loud siblings''': We're sorry. :'''Rita''': Can you folks ever forgive we? :''[The Casagrandes look at themselves and smile after a smooth forgiving]'' :'''Rosa''': ''Claro que sí.'' :'''Carlota''': Obviously. :'''CJ''': Of course! :'''Carl''': Mmm… I'll just think about it. I need time to heal. ''[Rosa glares at him]'' I'm healed. :'''Rosa''': Rita, go finish your article, I don't want you to miss your deadline. But after that, maybe you can stay for dinner. :'''Rita''': We do love to. ''[she and Rosa hug and rushes off to get her laptop from Camperzilla; later typing her deadline on the roof, voice-over] '''"As our summer adventure comes to an end in Great Lakes City, I'm reminded that it's not always what you do that makes a true trip, it's the people you spend another time with."''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Hey, isn't that your RV? ''[points down to Camperzilla being towed away as Rita and Lynn Sr. watch]'' :'''Rita''': ''[smirking]'' Well, I guess we're staying the night. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks; comes down and sits on top of Lynn Sr's head]'' Hope you don't mind my snoring. ==Episode 9== ===''Out of Step'' [7.9a]=== :'''Lincoln''': Way to go, Clyde! ''[he and Gran Gran walk in]'' Congratulations, guys! Your dance moves are amazing! :'''Clyde''': Thanks, buddy. We call that last one, The McBride Slide. :''[he and Nana Gayle demonstrate the dance move]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Clyde''': I'm not one for tooting my own horn, but I think we have this one in the bag. I mean, who can our competition even be? ''[gasps in shock, seeing that he's competing against the one person who hates him and his friends more than anyone]'' Chandler?! :'''Nana Gayle''': You know that young man? :'''Clyde''': That's Chandler McCann. He's a bad apple. Uh-oh, they're coming over! :'''Chandler''': Hey, McBride, looks like we're facing off in the dance final. This is my grandma. :'''Gran McCann''': ''[walks up next to him]'' Hi there! Gran McCann. :'''Nana Gayle''': Hi! Nana Gayle. :'''Clyde''': ''[stopping her from shaking hands with Chandler's grandmother] NO!'' She probably has a joy buzzer, or an ink squirter, or maybe even a finger trap. :'''Gran McCann''': No, just arthritis. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, I understand why you don't trust me. I know about my grandson's reputation, but I told Chandler that I won't tolerate ''any'' funny business during this competition. :'''Chandler''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Yeah, chill out, McBride. I'm always on my best behavior when I'm with my Gran. :'''Nana Gayle''': Well, that's a relief. :'''Chandler''': What do you say, Clyde? ''[sticks out his hand, offering Clyde a handshake]'' Fair and Square. May the best team win? :'''Clyde''': ''[thinking about it]'' Hmm… Deal. <hr width="50%"> :'''Clyde''': Today was a disaster. Talk about a streak of bad luck. :'''Chandler''': ''[offscreen]'' Those McBrides are real McBozos. ''[Clyde and Nana Gayle listen to their sabotaging outside the dressing room door]'' They totally fell for that crud about us not cheating. And now all we have to do is sabotage 'em again tomorrow, and those massage chairs are all ours! ''[he and his grandmother laugh, unaware that the McBrides know now, and are both outraged]'' :'''Nana Gayle''': Those little weasels! :'''Clyde''': I ''knew'' Chandler would cheat! ''[thinks]'' Well, I guess we had no choice. We'll just have to cheat right back. <hr width="50%"> :''[Clyde turns on the big fan and the big wind blows off "Gran McCann's" wig, revealing that it was actually Trent in disguise as the audience gasp in shock]'' :'''Clyde''': Busted! That's not Chandler's grandmother. It's his old partner-in-crime, Trent. :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[flabbergasted and sharped]'' Chandler McCann, where is your actual non-child grandmother?! :'''Chandler''': ''[sighs]'' Recovering from hip surgery in Scranton. :'''Clyde''': ''[gestures to Trent]'' So you've been pretending to be Gran McCann all week? :'''Trent''': ''[guilty]'' Yeah. We just wanted the massage chairs for when we play video games. :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[crossly]'' Well, bravo to your performance, Trent, but ''boo'' to your ethics! ''[Chandler and Trent both chuckle nervously]'' SCOUNDRELS! ''[to Clyde and Nana Gayle]'' Congrats, Team McBride. You are the ''real'' winners! ''[Clyde and Nana Gayle hug happily and receive the massage chairs while the crowd cheers as Chandler and Trent watch in shock of horror]'' As for you two, ''no one'' disrespects the art of the dance on my watch! You are banned from every dance contest in Royal Woods forever! Now, exit stage left! ''[brings in the big fan and blows the two boys off the stage]'' ===''Too Cool for School'' [7.9b]=== :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' As you can see, I'm pretty much an expert at this middle school thing. <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Ramirez''': Good morning, kids! Hope you're enjoying the cooler temperature. As Astrid Bjorklundson says… "Temperatures as cold as ice will help the children learn real nice." :'''Liam''': Who is this Bjorklundson character anyway? :'''Principal Ramirez''': She's a leading education specialist from Sweden. And she has the coolest glasses. Check her out! ''[pulls up and plays a video on her phone]'' :'''Astrid''': My patented Astrid Method has improved student performance in over fifty countries. I not only preach the Astrid Method, I practice it myself. Brr! Thanks to that icy plunge, I just got ten new ideas! ''Hej då!'' :'''Principal Ramirez''': Soon enough, you kids will be the top students in all of Southeast Michigan! I can see you're all shaking with excitement. And just a heads-up, from now on, school will start at 6:03 a.m. for mindful yoga. ''[plays another video]'' :'''Astrid''': To aid the student's aspirations, begin the day with meditations. Astrid Power Pose! :'''Principal Ramirez''': Fun, right? ''Hej då! [skates off]'' :'''Rusty''': I can't start school that early. I need two hours in the morning to deep-condition my fiery mane. <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Ramirez''': Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush. Just got an email from Astrid's book club. She's on tour with a new advice book, '''"Are You There, Cod? It's Me Astrid."''' ''[shows Lincoln and his friends a photo of Astrid's book]'' :'''Stella''': Oh. I thought we were done with the Astrid Method. :'''Principal Ramirez''': I thought so too. But why would she write another book if her methods don't work? I'm gonna meet her and find out what's going on. :'''Clyde''': ''[shocked]'' You're meeting with Astrid?! :'''Principal Ramirez''': Of course! Her first stop is Hazeltucky, today. ''[dashes off]'' And I'm late. :'''Stella''': Oh, this is so not good. If Principal Ramirez and Astrid meet, we're more busted than Rusty's hair! :'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure they don't meet. <hr width="50%"> :''[Outside the Bookstore, Principal Ramirez is having a stern word with the Action News Team]'' :'''Stella''': We're sorry, Principal Ramirez. We shouldn't have deceived you. :'''Lincoln''': It's just that the Astrid Method was making us miserable. :'''Rusty''': Eating all that fish was cramping my style with the ladies. :'''Zach''': Yeah, it was the fish. :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[sighs]'' Look, it's my job to make sure you're set up to succeed, and the Astrid Method guarantees that'll happen. So, we'll resume the program on Monday. :'''Lincoln''': ''[as his friends groan in disappointment]'' Dang it. :'''Astrid''': ''Nej,'' wait. Principal Ramirez, studies have shown that student happiness is crucial for success. If these children aren't happy, than that means the program isn't working. I'm going to have to rethink it. ''[to the Action News Team]'' Thank you for your honest feedback. ==Episode 10== ===''Music to My Fears'' [7.10a]=== :''[Luna is sitting in living room with her hands hidden under the pillows and looking very bummed; Sam, Mazzy, and Sully enter]'' :'''Sam''': Luna! :'''Luna''': Huh? :'''Sam''': ''[excitedly]'' The dudes from the Cherry Pit Spit just called! And guess who wanted to headline the festival! :'''Sully''': The Moon Goats! Band bleat! ''[they all bleat like goats together but Luna wasn't into it]'' :'''Mazzy''': Luna, we didn't get a bleat out of you. What's wrong? :'''Sam''': This is huge! :'''Luna''': ''[hoarsely]'' Bad news, dudes. My doc put me on shred rest and voice rest after last night's gig. ''[shows her band mates her bandaged hands, to their horror; Flashback to the Burnt Bean last night; rocking out to applause and shreds so hard while letting out a rock scream, ends up burning her own hands, looks at them and screams in pain as she let goes of her guitar; back to present]'' Doc said no shredding ''or'' rock screams for a month. :'''Sam''': ''[Caring]'' We can't play the Cherry Pit Spit without you! :'''Luna''': There's no way I'm letting you guys miss this opportunity. Sam, you can take over lead vocals, and I'm sure we can find a temporary musician to replace me. We'll just have to hold auditions ASAP. <hr width="50%"> :''[While Luna sets up fliers for a band audition at Tall Timber's Park, she meets a new female guitarist named Nina, after hearing her rocking out her solo at the pond, and finds her to be the perfect replacement]'' :'''Luna''': I hate to interrupt when you're in the zone, but as a fellow guitarist, I have to introduce myself. I'm… :'''Nina''': ''[recognizes her]'' Luna Loud?! Lead singer and guitarist of the Moon Goats?! I saw your last show! You were all… ''[imitates Luna's guitar solo]'' :'''Luna''': Well, I don't know if I did ''that…'' :'''Nina''': I'm Nina. ''[offers Luna a handshake, but realizes her bandaged hands, so they opt for an elbow bump instead]'' :'''Luna''': As you can see, um, I'm sort of out of commission, and the Moon Goats are supposed to play the Cherry Pit Spit this weekend. We're looking for a temporary guitarist. You should totally audition. ''[hands her a flier]'' :'''Nina''': ''[gasps in excitement]'' Yes! Count me in! ''[to the ducks]'' Ya hear that, my peeps? I might finally be in a band! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sam''': Luna, what is going on?! And don't say it's part of his unique creative process. :'''Luna''': ''[sighs in guilt]'' I'm sorry, dudes. This is all my fault. I know I've let you down, but I promise, I will fix it. I'm gonna do what I should've done in the first place. I just need to make a quick trip to the duck pond. :'''Sully''': Huh, I just call it the bathroom, but, hey, whatever. :''[A little later, Luna returns with Nina]'' :'''Luna''': Hey. This is Nina. She's who should've replaced me from the start. She's amazing! :'''Sam''': Are you sure? 'Cause I don't wanna be harsh, but your last pick didn't exactly go smoothly. :'''Luna''': This time you can trust me, dudes. Nina's the real deal. Check out those calluses. :''[Nina shows the Moon Goats her hands, which have the calluses of a real rockstar]'' :'''Sam, Mazzy, and Sully''': ''[amazed]'' Woah! <hr width="50%"> :'''Nina''': ''[as the crowd throw cherry pits]'' They're spitting cherry pits at us. :'''Sam''': ''[laughs]'' That means they like us! ===''Fluff and Foiled'' [7.10b]=== :'''Lincoln''': ''[screaming; then to the viewers]'' You may be wondering why I'm screaming, and no, it's not because I just found out Lana's been hiding her booger stash in my room. ''[flips his mattress to reveal Lana's booger stash on the underside and gags in disgust]'' :'''Lana''': ''[from outside]'' It's not a stash! It's an exhibit celebrating all things nasal! You should be honored! :'''Lincoln''': Lana, stop listening at my door! ''[sighs; to the viewers]'' Anyway, I was practicing my ride scream. Today's the annual Udder Madness Day at Dairyland. Clyde and I never miss it. ''[takes out a map of Dairyland]'' If you can go on the ten most stomach-curdling rides before the park closes, you win an awesome prize. And this year's prize is gonna be legen-''dairy.'' :'''Luan''': ''[laughs]'' Good one, Lincoln! :'''Lincoln''': Okay, if there's anybody else at my door, please step away! As I was saying, check out this year's prize. ''[takes out a picture of a Tippy hat]'' This moo-tiful Tippy hat. It's gonna look so good with the rest of my Udder Madness collection. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Twelve separate wash and dry cycles? ''[mischievously to the viewers]'' I've got a better idea. ==Episode 11== ===''Leave No Van Behind'' [7.11a]=== :'''Luna''': Of all the places for Vanzilla to bite the dust. Dudes, I didn't think we'd get out of there. ''[Flashback to a car wash, earlier; the machines have gotten inside Vanzilla, brushing and water-spraying the Louds, and completely covering them in soap; back to the present, traumatized]'' That was a long seven hours. :''[Lincoln belches out some soap from his mouth]'' ===''Sponsor Tripped'' [7.11b]=== :'''Lynn''': ''[after Andre trips and falls from the bleachers]'' You okay, Andre? :'''Andre''': No worries. The buns broke my fall. Anyhow, great game! I've been watching you play ''all'' season, and I can tell you have star power. Which is why, on behalf of the Burpin' Burger, I like to offer you a sponsorship! If you promote our fine establishment and wear our logo, you'll be a BB VIP! ''[Lynn reacts in confusion]'' Uh, it means you'll get free burgers. :'''Lynn''': In that case, count me in! :'''Andre''': Stop by the restaurant later to get a taste of the VIP treatment. :'''Coach Keck''': ''[approaches him, covered in mustard]'' I believe this gherkin is yours, ''and'' this mustard. :''[Later at the Burpin' Burger; Lynn and her friends are about to dig in on a pile of free burgers and curly fries]'' :'''Lynn''': Ha, ha! Enough for everyone! :'''Margo''': Yeah! :'''Maddie''': Sponsorship rules! :'''Carla''': ''[pressing up against her chest]'' I have heartburn… in the best way! :'''Paula''': ''[to Lynn]'' You're very lucky. I wish I could eat here for free anytime I wanted to. :'''Lynn''': Maybe you ''can'' eat here for free. I mean, you're all star players, too. :'''Andre''': Here's your free VIP cookie dough milkshake, with extra chocolate and caramel sauce. ''[adds the sauce to Lynn's milkshake]'' :'''Lynn''': ''[licks her milkshake and suddenly burps out fire]'' That's spicy mustard. :'''Andre''': I really must label these. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carla''': ''[slides onto the grass as Tippy gives her the microphone after scoring a goal]'' After an ''udder''-ly amazing game like this, I'm going to Dairyland! <hr width="50%"> :'''Zach''': ''[interviewing Paula]'' You really played your heart out today. Any words for the Action News audience? :'''Paula''': ''[speaks into the microphone and to the camera]'' Head to Duds for Dudes, where satisfaction is guaranteed! 'Cause they know what a dude wants, and what a dude needs! <hr width="50%"> :''[While Lynn, Margo, and Maddie are stretching out their bodies, preparing for the championship…]'' :'''Coach Keck''': ''[scrubbing herself with a loofah, still purple]'' Okay, folks, circle up. For anyone keeping count, this is my ninth loofah and I'm still purple, which is unfortunate because this game is televised and my mom's in the stands. :'''Coach Keck's Mom''': Whoo-hoo-hoo! That purple gal's my daughter! Whoo-hoo-hoo! :'''Coach Keck''': So, do me a favor and save me any further embarrassment by playing your hearts out and winning this championship! :'''Andre''': ''[approaches Lynn, for the first time not wearing the burger costume, but rather carrying it]'' Lynn! Good luck out there. I brought you the Burpin' Burger suit to wear during the big game. ''[plops the burger costume on her]'' :'''Lynn''': Seriously?! But I'm already wearing the logo. :'''Andre''': The logo's fine for regular games, but this is the championship game, which starts tp mean more eyes are on you, which starts to mean it's a huge PR opportunity for the Burpin' Burger. So if you wanna keep those perks, you'll just wear the buns. It's in your contract. <hr width="50%"> :''[Lynn and her friends enter the locker room during half-time]'' :'''Lynn''': Okay, team, huddle up. This isn't working. I love the sponsorship perks, but they're not worth this humiliation! ''[takes a gherkin off her head]'' :''[Margo, Maddie, and Carla agree]'' :'''Paula''': ''[agreeing]'' Here, here. :'''Andre''': ''[showing up with the other sponsors]'' Hey, Kangaroos. We got some more merch for you to wear on the second half. :'''Lynn''': Sorry, but we're out. :'''Paula''': We were obsessed by all the free stuff, but we're ready to get back to what's ''really'' important. :'''Margo''': Playing like champions! ==Episode 12== ===''Party Fowl'' [7.12a]=== :''[The Casagrandes' mercado van pulls up in front of the Loud House and Rosa and Carl hop out, preparing to drop off Sergio and preventing him from ruining another one of Carlos' lectures]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[in his birdcage; squawks]'' This is embarrassing! I don't need a babysitter! I'm a big bird! :'''Rosa''': A big bird who gets into big trouble. I'm sorry, but we can't take you to Carlos' lecture today and have you behave like you did at the last one. :''[Flashback to Carlos' previous lecture]'' :'''Carlos''': And now, a rare Mesoamerican bowl that dates back to 1519. It's the only one of its kind left in the world. :''[The curtains pull back, revealing Sergio bathing in the bowl]'' :'''Sergio''': A little privacy, please?! :'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in shock]'' Sergio, what are you doing?! Shoo! ''[Sergio flies out of the auditorium, causing the bowl to wobble and splash water and soap into his face]'' AH! Soap in my eye! ''[accidentally knocks over the bowl and gasps]'' :''[Back to the present]'' :'''Carl''': ''[laughing about the incident before Rosa glares at him as they walk up to the front door]'' What? It was funny when Dad started crying. ''[Rosa continues glaring at him]'' Uh, I mean, shame on you, Sergio! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[opens the door; happily]'' Rosa, Carl, Sergio! Please, come in! :'''Rosa''': ''Gracias,'' and thank you for watching Sergio tonight. :'''Rita''': Oh, it's our pleasure. :'''Carl''': ''[sees Lola sitting on the sofa]'' Lola! My favorite Loud. Is that a new crown? It really brings out… :'''Lola''': ''[cutting him off]'' Cut to the chase, Casagrande. :'''Carl''': ''[groans]'' My dad's lectures are dullsville, and I can't sit through another if Sergio isn't gonna be there to wreck it. :'''Lola''': Hmm. Sounds like a you problem… ''[Carl offers her some cash]'' that, I might be able to help with. :'''Rosa''': ''[firmly]'' Okay, Sergio, you'd better be on your best behavior with the Louds. If you pull any of your usual stunts, I'm sending you to bird boot camp. ''[Sergio gulps and whimpers worriedly; later, back in the van, waves goodbye]'' Thanks again! We'll pick him up tomorrow morning. ''[drives off as Rita, holding Sergio in his cage, and Lynn Sr. wave farewell… only to come to a stop and come back, holding out Lola, disguised as Carl]'' Nice try, Lola. Carl would never call the van seats "tacky." He doesn't even know what that means. :'''Lola''': Carl, it didn't work! :'''Carl''': ''[comes out, disguised as Lola]'' Worth a shot. ''[as they walk up to each other, he demands her a refund]'' :'''Lola''': Sorry. No refunds or exchanges. :''[Carl grumbles annoyingly, takes off his Lola getup and gives it back to her as she heads back into the house]'' :'''Rita''': Hey, Sergio. ''[lets him out of his cage]'' The other pets are waiting for you out by Charles' doghouse. :''[Sergio heads to the backyard where Charles, Cliff, Walt and Geo are hanging out just by the doghouse]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' Sergio has arrived! So, what's the plan? What are we doing for fun today? ''[the Loud pets take out some playing cards and play a game of Old Maid]'' Ugh, Old Maid? ''[squawks]'' You call that fun? Ugh, no thank you. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': See you on the flip side! I've got a party to get to! ''[the Loud pets are thrilled with excitement and ask if they could come too]'' Oh, you want to come. Oh, me and my big beak. ''[sees the pets all giving him pleading puppy eyes as if they still want to come]'' I mean, of course you can come. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[spots the Loud pets sleeping in the sofa through the living room window after failing to open it; knocks to get their attention]'' Psst! Open up and let me in! ''[smiles while giving them a thumbs-up; the pets wake up, see him, and yawn before Walt turns off the lights and go back to sleep; gasps]'' Is this about the party not being at the big fountain downtown? It was a joke! Can't you take a joke? ''[the pets blow raspberries at him in jealousy and resume sleeping; now annoyed]'' Fine. Don't need you guys anyway. I'll find my own way in. You'll see! Sergio is unstoppable! ''[goes to the backyard and tries to ram his way through the doggy door, but it turns out to be sealed on the other side with wooden planks]'' I'm gonna have to use my brain and not my brawn. ''[flies up to the window of Lori and Leni's bedroom and knocks to get Leni's attention]'' Leni, you're dreaming. I'm Dream Sergio. Open the window. ''[Leni shrugs, gets out of bed, but walks to the closet instead and opens it, and collapses on the floor resuming to sleep; gets an idea and goes on top of the roof]'' Down the chimney like old St. Nick. ''[dives into the chimney and struggles to squeeze his body in, then crashes from the fireplace and into the living room, covered in soot; to the Loud pets as they glare at him in irritation]'' Ah! Told you I was unstoppable! ''[spins to get the soot off him and coughs; the Loud pets storm off into the kitchen, all fed up with his selfishness; groans]'' I get it. You're still mad about the party. ''[follows them as Cliff removes the planks from the blocked doggy door, for when they've been deceived]'' Let's talk about it like grown animals. ''[the pets exit through the doggy door, still ignoring him and not wanting to be bothered by the likes of him; groans again, grumpily]'' Real mature, guys! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[flies into the garage, and kicks out some pigeons who're playing a drumset]'' Shoo! Shoo, you annoying creatures! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[enters the garage; groggy]'' Sergio? What are you and all these pigeons doing in the garage? :'''Sergio''': ''[nervously]'' I… uh… I'm Dream Sergio. You're just dreaming of all these birds. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, okay. That makes sense. ''[Sergio sends him back to bed]'' Good night, Dream Sergio. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[worried]'' I'm doomed! The Louds are gonna wake up, see this mess, and rat me out to Rosa! I'm going to bird boot camp for sure! ''[sees the Loud pets laughing at his misfortune and approaches them]'' Just the pets I wanted to see! Can you help me get rid of these pigeons? You're kind of my last hope. ''[the pets scoff in denial and go into Charles' doghouse, still jealous of his selfishness]'' I deserve that. ''[forcefully apologizes]'' Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't very nice to you (since I showed up) today. ''[the pets peek their heads out, cautiously]'' I should have been cool with what you wanted to do. ''[the pets gesture him to keep going]'' And I shouldn't have lied about the party. ''[another gesture]'' And I shouldn't have been so insulting. ''[one more gesture]'' And I'm sorry for being a big-beaked jerk. ''[sadly turns away, accepting the error of his ways; the pets look at each other and decided to forgive him by offering him a hug; touched]'' Oh, thank goodness. ''[joins the hug]'' Boy, you really made me work for it. ''[breaks out of the hug]'' Okay, so how are we gonna get rid of these featherbrains? <hr width="50%"> :''[After Sergio and the Loud pets have reconciled and work together to build an animatronic red-tailed hawk to get Sancho and the pigeons out of the Loud House without waking up the Louds…]'' :'''Sergio''': That was amazing! I had you guys all wrong. You're totally cool, not mention, very clever. Mind if I hang till the fam gets back? ''[The pets look at each other and nod in agreement; Next morning, they're all playing a game of Old Maid in Charles' doghouse]'' Ooh, a match! :'''Rosa''': Oh, Sergio! The Louds tell me you were the perfect houseguest. :'''Sergio''': What can I say? It's easy when you're hanging with friends. :'''Rosa''': Well, I'm very proud of you. Now, come on. It's time to go. :'''Sergio''': Aw, five more minutes? I'm about to win at Old Maid! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' Rita, why is the basement covered in pigeon poop?! :'''Sergio''': ''[panicking as Rosa glares grumpily at him, realizing what he's really been up to]'' Gotta go! ''[flies off as Rosa storms off after him, while the Loud pets laugh and the iris closes in on them]'' ===''Sleepless in Royal Woods'' [7.12b]=== :'''Rita''': ''[heavily sleep-deprived; tired]'' Lily, are you tired, yet? It's going on 3:00 AM, sweetie. :'''Lily''': Woo! Da-da! :'''Rita''': ''[tired]'' It's okay, it's not your fault. It's your dad's. ''[sighs]'' That is the last time he gives you a chocolate-covered espresso bean for dessert. ''[imitating her husband]'' "Uh, I thought it was raisin." <hr width="50%"> :'''Officer Shirley''': ''[picks up the phone as it rings while having her cup of coffee]'' Officer Shirley, what is your emergency? :'''Rita''': ''[frantically]'' I just saw a toddler--okay, no, wait, my toddler and I just saw a burglar running out of Jean Juan's. ''[while Officer Shirley starts writing notes]'' He was a small man or a medium-sized teen. We couldn't see the face. It's dark out, and I'm tired, so my vision is a little blurry. :'''Officer Shirley''': Ma'am, could you slow down? :'''Rita''': But he was definitely stealing food, the fromage con queso, or maybe the churro baguettes. Oh. Oh, that sounds so good right now. ''[dozes off, but her head hits the steering wheel and accidentally honks it, snapping her awake]'' Ah! ''[accidentally drops her phone]'' Oh, hang on. I dropped my phone. Oh, here it is! Are you still there? :'''Officer Shirley''': What are you and your kid doing out at 4:00 AM? :'''Rita''': Okay, well, my husband gave her an espresso bean, and now she's wide awake. ''[to Lily as she tries to break free of the seat belt while gnawing on it at the moment]'' Sweetie, do you have to pee? :''[Lily shakes her head no]'' :'''Officer Shirley''': ''[thinking that Rita means her]'' No, I just went. Listen, hon, you're not the first tired mom to call in a little confused. Last night, we had a lady mistaking a possum for a werewolf. ''[chuckles]'' Why don't you go home and get some rest? ''[hangs up]'' :'''Rita''': Ugh! Can you believe her? ''[tired]'' I am not just some tired... confused mom... :'''Lily''': Rude! :'''Rita''': You know what, Lily? I say we do some investigating of our own. We track down the thief, we get some evidence, and then we call that officer back and say, "Who's confused now?" :'''Lily''': Yeah, yeah! This is exciting! We show her! <hr width="50%"> :'''Rita & Lily''': ''[stunned to see the thief is revealed to be…]'' Mrs. Bernardo?! :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Well, normally, this is where you clap, but I'll accept stunned silence. ''[bows]'' :'''Rita''': ''You're'' the thief?! Wait, what is going on?! Is this a dream?! :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Apologies for scaring you. I'm just training for an audition to play a thief, a crook, a desperado of the night! When I saw you were following me, I decided to roll with it, as they say. ''[scoffs]'' Of course, I wasn't going to harm you. :'''Rita''': You did all of this to prepare for an audition?! We submerged ourselves in cheese! :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[claps]'' Bravo to that! What an excellent improv. :'''Lily''': But what about all the-- ''[yawns]'' stuff you stole? :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Oh, stinky child. I'm going to put everything back. Thespian's honor. I have done this many times.'' :'''Rita''': Well, this has been one crazy evening, but I suppose I'm partly to blame. I never should have dragged my child along while trying to play detective. Lily, sweetie, I owe you an apology-- ''[sees Lily now sleeping on one of the benches]'' Wow. ''[picks her up]'' Look at that. I guess chasing you around all night finally put her to sleep. ==Episode 13== ===''Hunn-cut Gems'' [7.13a]=== :'''Liam''': ''[enters the Action News Team's newsroom; disappointed]'' Hey, y'all. ''[walks over the desk where Lincoln and Clyde are sitting]'' I'm sorry that yesterday's segment weren't all that and a bunch of oats. :'''Rusty''': It's okay, dawg. We can't ''all'' have this kind of charisma. Uhh, another dizzy spell. ''[twirls around and faints]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Liam''': Are you all right, Mee-Maw? :'''Mee-Maw''': ''[shivering, still shaken up by the experience]'' What the heck happened? :'''Liam''': Ugh, I was tryin' to shoot another segment for the show, but things got a little outta control. :'''Mee-Maw''': ''[angrily]'' Well, I was almost a goner there, and you'll be doin' extra chores for two years! ''[Liam looks down in shame; then smiles at him]'' But I guess you got yourself one heck of a segment. ===''Can't Lynn Them All'' [7.13b]=== :'''Lynn''': ''[wearing a wrestling outfit with spikes everywhere; weakly]'' Too spiky. ''[now wearing a fairy costume]'' Not gonna happen. ''[now dressed as a clown]'' No way. ''[now wearing Lincoln's own clothes]'' Who wears this here? ''[gets back in her own usual clothes]'' Look, folks, this isn't working. None of those feel, I don't know, authentic. :'''Leni''': Hmm. Maybe we need to dig a little deeper. Like, my fave wrestler, Pixie Cuts, used to be an actual hairstylist. Her favorite character feels supes authentic. :'''Lincoln''': Yeah. What's Lynn Loud really passionate about? <hr width="50%"> :''[Royal Woods Middle School; Lynn is driving around the hallways in her golf cart and all of the students shoot spitballs at her, causing her to lose control and crash into the lockers]'' :'''Lynn''': ''[as Meryl approaches her; weakly]'' Little help here, Meryl? :'''Meryl''': ''[disgusted]'' For the Brawl Monitor? No way! ''[shoots more spitballs at her and leaves]'' :'''Lynn''': Wow. Even Meryl hates me? ==Episode 14== ===''Bye, Tanya'' [7.14a]=== :''[Reininger's department store in the Royal Woods Mall; Fiona and Miguel are preparing unmotivated for the morning run when Leni enters]'' :'''Leni''': ''[cheerfully holding a pink box of muffins; off-screen]'' Morning, fam! :'''Miguel''': ''[over intercom] Attention, everyone! It's manager extraordinaire and fashion icon, Leni Loud! She dazzles in a chique-!'' :'''Fiona''': ''[cutting him off]'' Like I said yesterday, it's too early for this, Miguel. :'''Leni''': Look what I brought! ''[opens the box, revealing four decorated muffins]'' Ta-da! :'''Fiona & Miguel''': Ooooh! :'''Leni''': They're Fuffins. ''[Fiona and Miguel both react confusingly]'' Like, muffins, but fun. :'''Miguel & Fiona''': Ooooh! :'''Leni''': ''[hands each of her friends a muffin; walks over to Tanya with a happy gasp]'' Hi, Tanya! ''[hands her a muffin]'' I can't wait to hear about your date with Bradley from the sports department! ''[cut to Bradley, another mannequin dressed in tennis gear; gasps]'' Ooooh! It was a tennis date? LOVE that for you! :'''Fiona''': ''[eating her muffin; delighted]'' Leni, you are the best! :'''Ms. Carmichael''': ''[walks in]'' Couldn't have said it better myself, Fiona! ''[takes Miguel's muffin and takes a bite]'' I just love my Reninger's family. ''[chuckles, then more serious]'' Sometimes more than my own. ''[eats the rest of Miguel's muffin after a pause]'' Alright, team! Time for pre-opening announcements. First things first, I want to freshen up the store, so, get ready for some big changes around here. :'''Miguel''': ''[gasps]'' Are we finally addressing the employee breakroom smell? I have some theories. ''[takes out his notepad and flicks through]'' :'''Ms. Carmichael''': ''[bluntly]'' No. :'''Miguel''': ''[closes his notepad and takes out a recorder; suspicious]'' Suspect #2 suspiciously changes the subject. Will monitor. :'''Ms. Carmichael''': I want to start with the mannequins. The store's current stock are… ''[takes hold of a nearby mannequin's arm, which breaks off, its head immediately falls to the ground, as a swarm of spiders scuttle out; the rest of the mannequin collapses]'' Well, that just about says it all. I think it's time we retire them. :''[Miguel and Fiona gasp and groan in apprehension; then cut to Leni, who doesn't understand]'' :'''Leni''': ''[squeals in delight; excitedly]'' Tanya is going to '''''LOVE''''' retirement!! ''[hugs Tanya cheerfully]'' She TOTES deserves it! Oh, I hope she goes to Florida! I can visit her on my spring break! :'''Fiona''': Leni, I think Ms. Carmichael meant that she is getting ''rid'' of the old mannequins, ''including'' Tanya. :'''Leni''': ''[gasps in horror and clutches her mannequin friend]'' You can't just get rid of her! Sure, she's a little quiet and sometimes her limbs fall off. ''[Tanya's head dislodges, readjusts it]'' But she's my friend! :'''Ms. Carmichael''': Sorry, Leni. I know you've formed an attachment, but it's just a mannequin. ''[her phone rings]'' Well, the movers are here to take away the old mannequins right now. ''[walks away]'' :'''Fiona''': I'm sorry, Leni. ''[walks over to her for comfort]'' Hey, maybe you'll meet a new Tanya. :'''Leni''': I don't ''want'' a new Tanya! I ''have'' a Tanya! We have to save her! It's like, Miguel, imagine if Ms. C. wanted to throw away your favorite Italian leather belt. :'''Miguel''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Beltissimo!? Over my dead-but-still-very-moisturized body! Okay, I am in! ''[holds out his hand]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[rolls her eyes, lightly]'' Eh, why not? ''[adds her hand]'' :'''Leni, Miguel & Fiona''': Save Tanya! <hr width="50%"> :''[As Leni, Fiona, and Miguel hide in the recycling room…]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[takes her phone out of her pocket as it rings and gasps to see who's calling]'' It's Ms. Carmichael! I'll just call her back later! :'''Miguel''': ''[takes his phone out of his pocket, shocked to see that Ms. Carmichael is also trying to call him]'' Sorry, Ms. C! Turn off phone. ''[turns off his phone]'' Watch out, Leni. She's probably gonna-- :'''Leni''': ''[answers her phone]'' Hello? Oh, hi, Ms. Carmichael! ''[gasps in horror]'' Ms. Carmichael?! :'''Ms. Carmichael''': Leni, where are the three of you?! The post-lunch rush is about to start! :'''Leni''': ''[sighs]'' M-Ms. C, I can explain. See, we left the store to rescue Tanya and bring her back. :'''Ms. Carmichael''': ''[disbelieved]'' Rescue Tanya? Tanya the mannequin? Wha… Listen, if the three of you are not back at this store ASAP, you will ''all'' be fired! :'''Leni''': ''[firmly]'' Don't be mad at Miguel and Fiona, this was all my idea. But you said it yourself: we're a family at Reininger's. And nowhere does it say that mannequins are excluded. Tanya's like the sister I never had. :'''Fiona''': Uh, Leni? You have ''nine'' sisters. :'''Leni''': ''[annoyed]'' You know what I mean. ''[to Ms. Carmichael]'' Fire me if you have to, but I have to save my friend. ''[hangs up and sadly groans]'' You guys need to go back. You can't lose your jobs because of me. :'''Fiona''': ''[hugs Leni]'' As if! :'''Miguel''': ''[joins them]'' Yeah! No mannequin left behind! ===''What Lies Beneath'' [7.14b]=== :''[The Morticians are all helping Hank with his groundskeeping duties at the cemetery]'' :'''Hank''': ''[trimming a grim reaper-shaped hedge]'' Thanks for your help with all my groundskeeping duties, kids! Now, don't forget, make sure each and every resident gets some TLC. :'''Lucy''': ''[cleaning a gravestone as Haiku sets down a pair of orange chrysanthemums in front of one]'' Haiku, Caroline doesn't like mums. She's a lilac girl. :'''Haiku''': Thank you, Lucy. ''[switches the orange mums for lilac flowers]'' I almost made a ''grave'' mistake. ''[she and Lucy both laugh monotonously]'' :'''Dante''': ''[driving around on a tractor mower]'' Hang on, Virgil! I'm gonna pop the wheelie! ''[speed pasts Morpheus]'' :'''Morpheus''': ''[annoyed]'' Stop hogging the mower, Dante! Gah, worst sharer ever! ''[groans after Dante drives past him again, blowing grass blades at him]'' :'''Boris''': ''[playing his keyboard]'' Boris is jamming on the keys. Any requests from the dead? ''[suddenly trips on a headstone and ends up getting four keys in his mouth like teeth]'' :'''Bertrand''': Are you okay, Boris? :'''Boris''': ''[gets up on his own feet and spits out the keys]'' Boris may just live, sadly. ''[glances down at the mysterious "unknown" headstone]'' Oh, I've never noticed that headstone before. :'''Persephone''': Hmm, neither have I. Hank, who's "Unknown"? :'''Hank''': You got me. I know every inch of this graveyard and I don't remember that grave being here. :'''Dante''': ''[gulps nervously, knowing he was the one who placed it there before]'' Well, people do kick the bucket all the time, so... :'''Haiku''': How tragic that someone must pass and remain nameless for eternity. :'''Lucy''': As the Morticians Club, it's our duty to right such ghastly wrongs. I say we hold a séance to find out who rests here, then replace this headstone with one with their name. :'''Dante''': ''[nervously rushes in front of the headstone]'' No! I don't think we must disturb their own eternal slumber. You know how hard it is to go back to sleep before somebody wakes you up. :'''Lucy''': A valid point, Dante. :''[Dante smiles and sighs in relief]'' :'''Boris''': Boris can play him some nice, soothing bedtime music. ''[plays a daunting tune on his keyboard, making Dante facepalm and groan in despair]'' :'''Lucy''': Great idea, Boris. All of those in a worse favor? ''[the other members, except Dante, raise their hands and agree]'' Let the record show that the motion passes with much enthusiasm. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bertrand''': The spirit is within Dante! Please, tell us your name so we may try to honor you with a new gravestone. :'''Dante''': ''[feigning a ghostly spirit]'' My name is… ''[blinks and notices an urn on a statue nearby]'' Urn-- ''[then notices a goblin statue's knee]'' Knee-- ''[then notices a shovel Hank is using to dig up dirt over a another grave]'' Shovel-- ''[then finally notices the cemetery's gate]'' Gate. Ernie Shovelgate. It's nice of you kids to want to get me a new headstone. But, don't go to all that trouble. I'm really shy, so "Unknown" totally works for me. Okay, well, I got to get back to the other side. ''[shakes himself and pretends to pass out as the smoke clears; then sits up, acting normal]'' Wow, I guess Ernie doesn't want a new headstone. Bummer, but what can you do? ''[realizes]'' That's a rhetorical question. :'''Haiku''': You know, whenever it's my favorite mother's birthday, she says "Don't go to all of that trouble", which means, "You'd better go to all that trouble." :'''Lucy''': That's a good point, Haiku. What if Ernie's just being modest? I say we buy him the headstone anyway. After he sees it, I'll bet he rolls over in his grave...in a happy way. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Morticians arrive the Cheaper Reaper store to buy a new headstone]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[pushing a shopping cart]'' Okay, everyone, I know the Cheaper Reaper is a veritable wonderland of bereavement in bulk, but we need to remain focused. Persephone, do you have the club money? :'''Persephone''': I do. ''[takes out her purse]'' And thanks to our embalming fundraiser last weekend, it looks like we have enough to buy Ernie a most splendid tribute. :'''Dante''': ''[to Virgil]'' Whatever we do, we cannot let them leave here with the headstone! ''[Virgil tries to point up to a sign that reads…]'' '''"You break it, you buy it."''' ''[gasps]'' Virgil, that's it! You're one smart cemetery cat. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Dante pushes the "unknown" headstone away and heaves the bag out the ground…]'' :'''Haiku''': ''[off-screen]'' What are you doing? :''[Dante reacts in surprise, accidentally launching the bag into the air and it lands in front of the other Morticians, and they all gasp to see what was inside]'' :'''Persephone''': It's not Ernie Shovelgate. :'''Bertrand''': It's… :'''Morpheus''': Auntie Pam?! :'''Lucy''': Gasp. :''[Lightning flashes and Boris plays a note on his keyboard; Inside the bag, was revealed to be three tubs of Auntie Pam's ice cream and an ice cooler]'' :'''Bertrand''': You buried Auntie Pam's ice cream? :''[Dante groans in despair]'' :'''Lucy''': So, Ernie wasn't real? :''[Dante sadly shakes his head in rejection, realizing his secret is exposed]'' :'''Persephone''': But why, Dante? Why did you deceive us? :'''Dante''': ''[glances down at Virgil; then confesses]'' Because… Because I want to hide my ice cream so none of you can have any. It's ''cookies and scream,'' my all-time favorite. :'''Morpheus''': Ugh. It's the riding lawnmower over again. I've said it before and I'll just say it once more: Worst sharer ever. :''[The other Morticians agree in disappointment over how Dante deceived them]'' :'''Lucy''': Sad but true. :'''Dante''': ''[upset]'' Sigh. I know. I'm really sorry. But, I'll just feel better, I swear. As a matter of fact… ''[lifts up one of the ice cream tub and inhales]'' Uh… Who wants some… ''[suddenly snatches it back, growling evilly in selfishness; then inhales deeply]'' You can do it, Dante. Who wants some of my ice cream? ==Episode 15== ===''An Inspector Falls'' [7.15a]=== :''[Royal Woods High School; The Drama Club is waiting for Mrs. Bernardo]'' :'''Luan''': ''[groans impatiently]'' Where is Mrs. Bernardo? The cast list for "The Case of the Missing Corgi" should be up by now. :'''Amy''': Mm, I can't wait to find out who gets to play the lead, Detective Agatha Mystery. :''[Luan and her friends smile at what Amy said. Mrs. Bernardo appears as they get excited.]'' :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Fellow thespians, it is I! Now without further ado, ''[Lights come on and spotlight focuses on her; gets out a pen]'' the cast list! ''[Chuckles while throwing a pen, which spins and lands on the bulletin board, which it flips over and shows the cast list. Drama Club gasps in delight, then run to the list, and don't see cleaner Ed who is cleaning the lockers with paint. He sees Drama Club running past him. Amy knocks over The paint as it spills on his uniform.]'' :'''Amy''': ''[Comes back]'' Sorry, Ed! ''[Goes to the board]'' :'''Ed''': Oh! This is my favorite suede uniform! Oh! :''[Drama Club fights with each other upon reaching the board. They come to a stop with lots of people on top of each other. Luan gets up and sees the list.]'' :'''Luan''': ''[Happily]'' Oh my gosh! I'm Agatha Mystery! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': So, Luan, our brilliant detective, did you crack the case, yet? :'''Luan''': The trail went a little cold, but don't worry, I'm gonna figure it out! :'''Rex''': ''[approaching to Amy while running up to the stage]'' Hey, Amy. Ready to go? ''[holds out his hand]'' Let me take your bag. :'''Amy''': ''[notices a red mark on his hand]'' Rex, what happened to your hand? ''[takes a close look at it]'' It looks like… rope burns? :'''Rex''': What? No. I… I… uh… scraped my hands in pottery class. :'''Amy''': Our school doesn't offer pottery. ''[realizes]'' Wait a minute. ''You'' cut the rope! :''[Mrs. Bernardo, Benny, and Luan all gasp in shock]'' :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': What a twist! :'''Rex''': ''[guilty]'' I'm sorry, Amy. But ever since you got cast as Gertrude, you haven't had any time to hang out with me. I just thought if I scared you, you'd quit the play. :'''Amy''': ''[disgusted]'' Super selfish, Rex. You and I are through. :'''Rex''': ''[leaves the stage, tearfully]'' Oh, no! :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Well done, Amy! I had no idea you had such stellar investigative skills! <hr width="50%"> :'''Audience Member''': ''[surprised when Luan tosses Amy an umbrella and she catches it, left-handed]'' She's a lefty? I did not see that one coming. ===''One in a Million'' [7.15b]=== :'''Flip''': ''[laughs]'' You need to get up so early in the morning to fool ole Flip. Nacho here overheard you dunderheads talking in the parking lot and clued me in. So while you think you were going to feel so busy tearing yourselves apart, everyone knows I moved all of the merchandise out this morning. Call it a "restocking day." Oh, there's one thing left. :'''Chandler''': ''[gasps and sees a dusty bag of Flipeos]'' Flipeos? That's it?! ''[blows the dust off, getting some of it on Flip's face]'' :'''Flip''': Be careful eating 'em. ''[Chandler opens the bag and a stink cloud emerges, making his hair all fuzzy]'' They're older than you are. :'''Chandler''': ''[throws the bag on the ground; enraged]'' This is so unfair! ''I'm'' the one who cheats people! You stink, Flip, and that's coming from someone whose dad works in the sewer! ''[storms out of the store]'' :'''Flip''': ''[picks up the Flipeo bag and eats one]'' Eh, it's not bad. :''[Lincoln and Clyde wince as Chandler angrily leaves the store, slamming the door shut]'' :'''Lincoln''': Well, we may not lose if we lose, but we ''did'' see Chandler lose earlier. :'''Clyde''': Small comfort in a cruel world. :''[Lincoln sighs as he and Clyde head for the door]'' :'''Flip''': ''[blocking their way, halting them]'' And where do you two bozos think you're going? I suppose I may say thank you. While you are trying to get to one-million, you actually gave me the best day of business I ever had. And that includes the time the supermarket down the street flooded. ''[whispers to the other boys]'' Suspiciously. ''[winks]'' I think that deserves a reward. ==Episode 16== ===''Dread of the Class'' [7.16a]=== :''[Luan is holding a graduation ceremony for her pranking academy in the backyard where Lincoln and Benny are applauding for Ronnie Anne]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' That's right. Ronnie Anne is about to get her pranking PHD, which is cool, but I'm just excited my buddy's in town, and we get to hang out. Plus, Dad made the appetizers, like mac 'n' cheese bites. ''[brings in a cart of appetizers and eats a mac 'n' cheese bite, then ends up spitting it out]'' Which of course, Luan filled with octopus ink. Real nice. :'''Luan''': Benny, you may be stalled at level one whoopee cushion, but someday, if you work hard, you'll graduate too. :'''Benny''': Aw, thanks, Luan. Until then, I'll just keep pouring my savings into this class. :'''Luan''': Ronnie Anne, please accept this diploma. :''[Mr. Coconuts gives Ronnie Anne her diploma as Benny applauds while shedding tears]'' :'''Lincoln''': Woo-hoo! Yeah, Ronnie Anne! :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[throwing her graduation cap in the air]'' I'd like to thank my brother, Bobby, for being the main target of my homework assignment. ''[suddenly notices that the printing on her diploma is starting to fade]'' Uh, what's happening?! :'''Luan''': Ha, ha! Disappearing ink! You haven't graduated yet. There is a final test you must complete, and this test is the hardest. ''[laughs evilly]'' :'''Benny''': I did not see this coming! ''[eats a piece of chocolate cake, which then burns him as he screams]'' AH! Or that ghost pepper! Classic Luan. :'''Luan''': Ronnie Anne, you must prank the master: ''me.'' And it must be done before sundown, so tick-tock. Remember your mantra: Work with what you've got. ''[throws a fart bomb and disappears as Ronnie Anne coughs]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': Fart cloud! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Uh, what are you doing? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Prank meditating. It helps me focus. I need to think of something I haven't tried yet. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln & Ronnie Anne''': ''[shocked after Benny removes his Luan costume]'' Benny?! :'''Benny''': Sorry, guys. Luan promise me half-off to wishing if I helped her. That class isn't cheap. :'''Lincoln''': Your Luan was incredible. :'''Benny''': Thanks. ''[impersonating Luan's voice]'' Voice mimicry is the only "A" I've gotten. :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans]'' So where's Luan, now?! :''[They see Luan in the distance, laughing evilly, and she then bikes away]'' :'''Lincoln''': That was unnerving. :'''Ronnie Anne''': We can't let her get away, or we'll never prank her in time! There's only 23 minutes until sunset! :'''Benny''': Learning to tell time by the sun is also part of-- :'''Lincoln''': Of the class. I get it. ===''Welcome to the Doll Heist'' [7.16b]=== :''[Lily and her friend, Ingrid are playing together until Ingrid's mom, Candace arrives to pick up her daughter]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[answers the door]'' Oh, hi, Candace. ''[calling out]'' Lily, Ingrid's mommy is here! :''[Lily and Ingrid both come downstairs]'' :'''Candace''': Thanks for having Ingrid over. Lily is welcome at our place anytime. ''[leaves and gets into their car; to her daughter]'' Did you have fun, sweetie? :'''Ingrid''': Yep, yep! ''[as her mother puts her in the booster seat]'' Look, look, look! Look what I got! ''[pulls Eunice out her backpack]'' I'm gonna name her Princess Cotton Candy! :''[Lily reacts in horror, realizing she accidentally traded Lola's beloved Eunice]'' :'''Candace''': How about you take your new friend to the grocery store with us? :'''Lily''': ''[frantically after the car drives off]'' No, no, no, no, no! She take Eunice! ''[fearfully imagines what would Lola find out if she returns home]'' :'''Lola''': ''[with her face turning red of rage]'' '''''LILY!!!''''' ''[roars lividly with a blast of fire from her mouth, which strongly blasts the roof open]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lily''': ''[dashes into Lincoln's room; frantically]'' Lincoln! :'''Lincoln''': ''[yelps and fires a net out of his net cannon in midair and it lands on him]'' Dang it. :'''Lily''': Need help. Big problem! :'''Lincoln''': Lily, it's okay. Calm down. I'm sure whatever it is isn't that bad. :'''Lily''': ''[grabs her brother by the face]'' I trade Eunice to Ingrid! :'''Lincoln''': Well, it was nice knowing ya. :'''Lily''': It was accident! They go to grocery store! Please help me get her back! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lily''': Ingrid! We have to trade back! Take Nugget, and I get back Eunice! :'''Ingrid''': Her name is Princess Cotton Candy now, and no way! We traded, no backsies, those are the rules! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lily''': ''[worried]'' I'm toast, and not the yummy cinnamon kind. :'''Lincoln''': No, you're not, Lily. I've got a plan. There's an issue of ''David Steele'' where he assembles a team to break into Golden Toe's lair to take his, you know, golden toe. :'''Lily''': ''[confused]'' We're gonna take Ingrid's toe? :'''Lincoln''': No. We'll do our ''own'' heist and get back Eunice before Lola ever knows she was missing. :'''Lily''': Ooh, sneaky. :'''Lincoln''': We just need a map of Ingrid's house. :'''Lisa''': Hmm. Perhaps ''I'' can assist. I, too, would like to protect our youngest kin from Lola's ire. Besides, I need Lily in one piece to complete the rest of our human nightlight test trial. I have a way we could get a full scan of Ingrid's house and the location of your desired target. I'll just have to initiate Todd's new pizza oven modification. <hr width="50%"> :''[In the dining room, Lincoln and Lily have gathered Luan, Lynn, Lana, Lisa, and Todd all together for a meeting at the table]'' :'''Lincoln''': Welcome to Operation Unicorn Heist. We've set another playdate for Lily and Ingrid tomorrow, and we need all your special skills to help rescue Eunice before Lola gets home. Here's the plan: ''[Lily shows the first drawing of him talking to Candace]'' I'll distract Ingrid's mom. ''[the second drawing shows Luan keeping Ingrid busy with her clown entertainment]'' Luan, you keep Ingrid entertained. ''[the third drawing shows Lana distracting Ingrid's dog with a bone]'' Lana, you distract the dog. :'''Todd''': '''''Good luck. He's a biter.''' [turns around, showing a chunk bitten off by the dog]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[as Lily holds up the fourth drawing of herself swapping Eunice and Nugget in Ingrid's room]'' Lily, you get to Eunice in Ingrid's bedroom where you'll swap her for Nugget. ''[the fifth drawing shows Lynn retrieving Eunice by using a drone]'' Lynn, you're on extraction. :'''Lynn''': Yes! I love extracting junk! :'''Lincoln''': ''[confused]'' And then we all hold hands under a rainbow? :'''Lily''': ''[chuckles sheepishly, realizing she was holding a drawing of that and puts it away]'' That drawing for school. <hr width="50%"> :''[Back at the Loud House; In Lola and Lana's room, Lincoln places Eunice back in her place at Lola's tea party]'' :'''Lola''': Little Miss Hair Flip is home, everyone! ''[the siblings all dash out of the room and into the hallway, acting badly innocent]'' Huh. Just as weird as I remember. ''[enters her room]'' Oh, Eunice, I missed you! ''[kisses her]'' Wait, why do you smell like kumquats? =='''Twas the Fight Before Christmas (Episode 17)''== :''[Winter season at the Loud House in Royal Woods; the sisters are playing a Christmas bingo game based on what Lynn Sr. says while faking a back injury]'' :'''Lana''': ''[eating a bucket of popcorn]'' What did I miss? :'''Lisa''': Three wails, two moans, and 14 "Ding-dang darn it!"s. I just need Dad to say the other word "Sciatica" and I'll just win this year's bingo game. :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' You probably think my own favorite sisters are being harsh, but let me assure you, my dad's totally fine. Every year, he fakes the same back injury to get out of seeing his brother, our Uncle Lance, which stinks, because that starts to mean we can't spend the holidays with our own favorite Aunt Sharon or our favorite cousins. ''[takes out his phone, showing a photo of his Uncle Lance, his favorite wife, Sharon, and their own kids: Shane, Shelby and Shiloh]'' The trouble started five years ago. ''[scrapes some frosting off the gingerbread Loud House roof and sprinkles it on some snowmen]'' Uncle Lance and his family drove on all of the other side from Petoskey Falls to spend the holidays with us. ''[Flashback to Christmas Eve night, five years ago; in rhyming narration]'' 'Twas the night before Christmas before all through the Loud House, not a child was stirring, to the relief of Mr. Grouse. ''[The young-aged Loud kids are asleep upstairs while Mr. Grouse leans outside the bedroom window, listening, and smiles that they're sleeping quietly for once, and closes the window before going back to bed; In the dining room, Lynn Sr., Leonard and Sharon had just finished eating dessert at the dining table while Lance is doing sit-ups on his exercise ball]'' The adults finished dessert, figgy pudding was so decadent, when Mom stood out to call… :'''Rita''': ''[calling out; holding a bowl of numbers]'' It's another time to play White Elephant! :''[Lynn Sr., Leonard, Lance and Sharon enter the living room and pick their favorite numbers from the bowl]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': I'm up first! :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' …Dad said as he reached in the pile, and pulled out a present that gave him a real smile. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[grabs a present and unwraps it, revealing a new spatula; gasps]'' It's a spatula! :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' …he shouted, and the new model, too. ''[Lance sees his paper and grins maliciously]'' Then Uncle Lance eyed his paper as a giddy grin grew. :'''Lance''': Oh, I'm up next in this game, and I think I'll take ''that. [swipes his brother's new spatula]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' …which everyone made Dad jump to his own feet in two seconds flat. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gets up, completely incensed]'' But ''I'' want that, Lance! :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' …my dad did burst. :'''Lance''': Tough toenails, it's mine for now. You'll just catch me first. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[chasing his favorite brother around the living room to get the spatula back; grunting]'' Give it! :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' Acting like children, the men gave chase over sofas, side tables, and the crackling fireplace. :'''Lance''': ''[blows a raspberry and obtains the high ground by standing on his exercise ball]'' I can do this all night, champ. You should give up and stop. :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' But Dad leapt for the spatula, making Lance's new ball pop. :''[Lynn Sr. leaps on top of the ball and continues to struggle for the spatula, thus, breaking the ball]'' :'''Lance''': My Ab Blaster 3000! Lynnie, look what you did! :'''Lynn Sr.''': It's your fault! You've been trying to mess with me since we were born earlier! :'''Lance''': Your fault times a thousand! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Nuh-uh, it's your fault times infinity! :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' The brothers continued their bickering symphony. :'''Lynn Sr. & Lance''': Well, we need to agree on one thing. :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' …barked two of those angry men. :'''Lynn Sr. & Lance''': ''[turning away from ourselves]'' Let's never speak to ourselves! Never, ever again! :''[7-year-old Lincoln watches everything from upstairs, looking worried; Back to the present]'' :'''Lincoln''': But this year's going to be different, I promise you that. For the first time in years, Gramps is finally back. ''[realizes]'' Ugh. Sorry, still in rhyme mode. ''[to his sisters]'' Guys, put away your bingo cards. I like to do a little plan to bring Dad and Uncle Lance back together. :'''Lynn''': ''[gasps]'' "Lincoln likes to do a plan." That's my last, final space! ''[whooping and hollering in victory]'' BINGO! WOOHOO! ''[picks up her brother]'' WOO! WOOHOO! :''[Meanwhile… at another Loud House in Petoskey Falls; Lance and Sharon are doing a yoga session in the living room while Lance is faking a foot injury]'' :'''Sharon''': And you say all of this pain is that started suddenly last night out of nowhere is from athlete's foot? :'''Lance''': It's what happens to athletes, Shar-Shar. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't physically unborn at all. ''[collapses right in front of Shelby]'' :'''Shelby''': It's okay, Dad. Sweater Santa may just get you a new foot. ''[moves the mouth of her sweater while speaking Mr. Coconuts-style]'' :'''Sweater Santa''': Ho-ho-ho! I need to have one lying around the North Pole. Don't ask. :'''Shiloh''': ''[swinging on top of the tree and flings himself]'' Christmas Tree cannonball! :'''Sharon''': ''[catches him]'' Shiloh, no cannonballs in the house. But it was a perfect 10, baby. <hr width="50%"> :'''Shane''': ''[as he and his siblings get a call from Lincoln]'' Sounds like your favorite dad's seasonal aches and pain are back, too. :'''Shiloh''': Guess it's gonna become another year apart. :'''Lincoln''': Actually, that's exactly what I was calling about. What if everybody thinks I told you a real time for us to spend Christmas together this year? :'''Shelby''': ''[takes Shane's phone]'' And what if I told ''you,'' goldfish speak fluent Portuguese? ''[realizes what Lincoln meant as everyone reacts confused]'' I hope we were just saying things. Are you serious? Christmas together must feel amazing. :'''Lincoln''': Yep. I call it Operation See You on the Brother Side. Phase one: Get our favorite dads in the same place. Another time to put in a real call to Gramps. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rita''': ''[lugging a giant fish; deadpan]'' This must be from Gramps. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[yelps as Rita holds the giant fish in his face; the fish then regurgitates out a letter; reading] '''"Set sail on the SS Gramps. Won't you join me for Christmas at Camp Mastodon? Please RSVP in enclosed pre-stamped flounder."''' [the giant fish regurgitates a flounder]'' Oh, dear! ''[elated]'' Christmas with Dad? Oh, heck yes! :'''Rita''': ''[clears throat]'' What about your bad back, dear? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[remembering that]'' You know, I-I'm feeling a lot better for now, I am. It's... It's a Christmas miracle! :'''Lori''': ''[texting on her phone]'' Texting cousins, "Dad bought it." Oh, Shelby's typing. ''[Texts from Shelby appear]'' Santa emoji, foot emoji, thumbs-up emoji. Sounds like Uncle Lance bought it too. :'''Lincoln''': Yes! <hr width="50%"> :''[Both sides of the Loud family arrive at Camp Mastodon to spend the holiday with Leonard, but Lynn Sr. and Lance are not thrilled to see themselves]'' :'''Lynn Sr. & Lance''': ''[walking up to each other's faces]'' What're ''you'' doing here?! I asked you first! ''DAD!'' :''[Leonard chuckles nervously]'' :'''Lincoln''': Don't be mad at Gramps. This was our idea. We hope you might only come if your favorite brother weren't. :'''Leonard''': It's another time two of you bury the spatula once and for all. What do you say? :'''Lynn Sr.''': Okay. Everyone in the van! :'''Lance''': Yeah! We're going back home, too! :'''Luan''': Wait. Two of you need to stay. Consider it an early Christmas present to us. :'''Lola''': Um, that may ''not'' become one of mine if not. ''[looks at her twin]'' :'''Sharon''': Honey, it's Christmas Eve. Remember our own mantra. :'''Both''': I am strong here. ''[point to Lance's bicep]'' I am strong here. ''[try to point to their heads]'' And I'm strong here. ''[try to point to his heart]'' :'''Lance''': ''[inhaling calmly]'' Fine, but I'm not happy about it. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, yeah? Well, I'm happy about it. :'''Rita''': ''[fed up]'' Great. You're unhappy. At least you need to have that in common. :''[The adult Loud brothers turn away from themselves and go their separate ways]'' :'''Sharon''': ''[also fed up as Rita walks up to her]'' Oh, well. :'''Rita''': So they haven't just changed, but it's good to see you! ''[she and Sharon hug]'' :'''Sharon''': You, too! :''[The Loud siblings and cousins all hug, excited to see themselves]'' :'''Lincoln''': Okay, it's going about as well as I expected. Now for Phase Two: Family Christmas Activities. Once our favorite dads get in the holiday spirit, they'll totally just forget about their favorite fights. :'''Sweater Santa''': Never underestimate the power of Christmas. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lance''': My snow pile is bigger! :'''Lynn Sr.''': IS NOT! <hr width="50%"> :'''Luna''': Well, that was a total bust, dudes. :'''Shelby''': I think they hate themselves for now. :'''Leonard''': Ah, fish paste. You minnows warm up in here. I'm going to go get us a tree for the mess hall cuz I want to go get us a tree for the mess hall. ''[gets his jacket, which is beside old photo of him and his own favorite sons, actually getting along with themselves in the forest]'' Your favorite dads helped me pick one out. ''[shows Lincoln the photo]'' It was our own favorite Christmas tradition. But, uh, well, this year, I don't think that's happening. :'''Lincoln''': ''[looks at the photo and thinks, then suddenly gets an idea]'' What if we make it happen? Maybe this will just become one thing that brings them together. <hr width="50%"> :'''Leonard''': Hey, boys, I think I found the perfect tree! ''[starts to chop it down with his own axe]'' :'''Lance''': ''[smiling to his brother; remembering a happier time]'' Do you remember the time that tree accidentally started to fall on Vanzilla? :''[Flashback to when they were kids; Leonard chops down a tree, and it wobbles before landing on top of Vanzilla, much to his disheartening, but the boys chuckle amusingly]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[voice-over on another flashback to when they were teenagers]'' Oh, oh, or how about the great squirrel incident? :''[Leonard chops down a tree, that's occupied by a family of squirrels, who are not too happy with him, and they start attacking him while the teenage brothers swat each other, laughing]'' :'''Lance''': ''[voice-over on another flashback to when they were young adults]'' You know, nothing beats that time we accidentally chopped down that telephone pole. :''[Leonard accidentally chops down a telephone pole, mistaking it for a tree, which then falls into the other poles like dominoes, knocking them all over, and killing the power in the camp; the young adult brothers cringe, but laugh, as usual]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[remembering]'' Oh, we didn't have phone service for a month. <hr width="50%"> :''[In the mess hall… All the Louds are setting up the Christmas decorations and set up ornaments on the tree]'' :'''Shiloh''': Make way! ''[jumps into the tree from the bottom and works his way up to the top and places a starfish]'' Gramps! Instead of a star, I put a starfish on top. Christmas tree cannonball! ''[cannonballs right on top of Leonard]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Guys, this is the most perfect Christmas ever. :'''Lance''': ''[suddenly notices a spider on the fireplace while putting up the garland]'' AH! SPIDER! ''[grabs his brother's spatula out of the fruitcake and smashes it against the mantle, trying to kill the spider, thus bending it]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[freaks out when he saw that his brother accidentally damaged his spatula as he returns from the kitchen]'' Ah! My new spatula! ''[suddenly remembers what they were fighting about, seething with fury]'' :''[Leonard and the kids all cringe]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' Um, maybe I spoke too soon. :''[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2, Lance tries to fix the spatula, making it look as good as new]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[swipes back his beloved spatula; infuriated to his brother]'' You did that on purpose! :'''Lance''': Did not! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Did too! :'''Lance''': ''[slightly annoyed]'' Quit being a weenie! It's just a dumb kitchen utensil. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[now standing next to his brother's exercise ball]'' Oh, yeah?! Well I guess this is just a dumb rubber ball, huh? :'''Lance''': ''[gasps]'' You mustn't harm the the Ab Blaster, this thing's 5000! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, what can I say? We "weenies" are unpredictable. ''[tries to pop the ball with the spatula, only for it to bounce off and hit him in the face, then rips it with his own teeth instead]'' :''[Lance reacts in shock and remembers what their fight was about, groaning in fury]'' :'''Rita''': ''[covering Lily's eyes; shocked with anger]'' Lynn! :'''Lance''': ''[grabs a gingerbread cookie off the tray]'' Say goodbye to gingerbread you! ''[bites the head off of the cookie, making Lynn Sr. grab his throat in horror]'' :'''Sharon''': ''[covering Shiloh's own eyes; also shocked with anger]'' Lance! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Say goodbye to… ''[tries to pick up Lance's kettlebell, but it's too heavy]'' Okay, not that. Ah-ha! ''[grabs the "ENDURE-LANCE" ornament from the tree, throws it on the ground, and stomps on it]'' :'''Lance''': ''[sees a present; reads label]'' '''"For Lynn."''' Ha! Not today, Santa! ''[soccer-kicks the present right out the open window, sending it miles into the forest]'' GOAL! :'''Lisa''': Actually, that was for Lynn Jr. :'''Leonard''': ''[blasting his air horn in irritation, stopping the fighting]'' For the love of Neptune, enough! Can't we just have a nice, quiet Loud Christmas? :'''Lynn Sr.''': I am not having Christmas with him. :'''Lance''': I'm not having Christmas with him. :'''Rita''': Well, we're all here for the night, so how are we going to make this work? :''[Later, the two adult brothers have divided the mess hall in half for their families to have Christmas dinner on both sides]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[slicing a ham for his family on one side]'' Well, this works for me. :'''Lance''': ''[slicing tofu for his family on the opposite]'' Works for me, more. :'''Leonard''': ''[sitting in the middle with a big orange stripe painted right down his middle]'' Yeah, not so much for me. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Sorry, Dad, but it's only one reason to make sure you don't take sides. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Folks, this is the worst. :'''Lola''': The fighting or the tofu gravy? <hr width="50%"> :''[Two adult Loud brothers put on their winter clothes before heading out to rescue Lincoln, Lori and Shelby from the frozen river]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': You know, this is your fault, Lance. If you hadn't acted like a jerk before earlier, the kids never should pull this stunt because they never pulled this stunt and the kids never would pull this stunt because they never pulled this stunt! :'''Lance''': ''[offended]'' Oh, I was born to act like the jerk? You are the other person who-- :'''Rita''': Stop! This is no time for arguing and fighting! :'''Sharon''': Rita's wright, Rita's correct, you need to go rescue the kids. Hurry, please! :''[Two adult brothers run for the door, but feel stuck in it]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': I was here first! :'''Lance''': No, ''I'' was! :'''Leonard''': Oh, for trout's sake. ''[shoves them out the door]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Sweater Santa''': ''[to the viewers]'' Merry Christmas, everybody! Ho-ho-ho! ==Episode 18== ===''Let's Break a Deal'' [7.18a]=== :'''Boris''': Oh, Boris has been waiting an eternity for our pizza. :'''Morpheus''': ''[clears throat]'' Allow me to help. ''[flips through the pages of his spell book]'' Pillows, pinwheels, pitchforks. Ah, pizza. "Sauce like blood and cheese that bubbles, bring our pizza on the double!" :''[A green spell wisp zips over towards the pick-up counter where Rusty is waiting in line, annoyingly, and picks up the pizza box]'' :'''Rusty''': ''[gasps as the pizza box flies past him, but smacks him in the face]'' Watch the hair! ''[sees the pizza box drifting over to the three Morticians and Lucy and Boris begin eating; amazed]'' Oh, wow! Hmm… ''[gets an idea and runs over to the booth]'' Hey, Lucy, still gothing it up, I see. Anyway, can I get an intro to your wizard friend? :'''Lucy''': ''[annoyed]'' Ugh, whatever gets you to leave me alone the quickest. Hey, Morpheus, this is my favorite brother's favorite friend, Rusty. :'''Rusty''': Oh, great and powerful wizard of 'Za. ''[bows down to Morpheus]'' I remember that trick you just did. Very sweet. You wouldn't just have any spells and help me get the high score in Dance Battle? ''[grins awkwardly]'' :'''Morpheus''': Ugh, normy dancing. Cringe. :'''Rusty''': You call ''this'' cringe? ''[shows off his dancing skills, ending with a split]'' Aw, yeah! <hr width="50%"> :'''Rusty''': ''[walks back to Morpheus and slaps him in the back, to his annoyance]'' Dude, major props! You know, you're alright. We must hang. :'''Morpheus''': Why did we do that? :'''Rusty''': ''[hesitating]'' Uh, because, you know, we need to have a lot in common, like, we're both...dudes. ''[relents as Morpheus reacts unconvincingly]'' Okay, fine. I'm into the other spells! Maybe we can help ourselves out? You scratch my back, I scratch yours? :'''Morpheus''': ''[literally taking it]'' Ugh, I ''loathe'' to show myself being touched by hands. But perhaps, there's another way you can repay me: I'll grant you one day of spells if at nightfall, you grant me one favor. :'''Rusty''': Rustman's always down to do a bro a solid. :'''Morpheus''': Very well. ''[takes a contract out of his cape]'' Sign here in ''blood. [flash of lightning cracks and Rusty shrieks; takes out a pen]'' Or red pen. Your call. :''[Rusty eagerly takes the pen and signs the contract, accepting the deal; Later at the Spokes house…]'' :'''Rusty''': Oh, this is just gonna feel very sweet! I've always wanted a cool stache. Now, remember, thick and bushy. :'''Morpheus''': ''[takes out his spell book and chants a spell]'' "Scales of newt, mane of a bull. Let the lip grow nice and full!" :''[The green spell wisp accidentally makes Rusty's lips oversized]'' :'''Rusty''': ''[in a lisp]'' How does it cook? Does it cook great? ''[realizes]'' Wait, something feels weird. ''[looks into the bathroom mirror and screams in horrified shock]'' What did wou do?! :'''Morpheus''': ''[looks in his spell book, realizing the problem]'' Oh, sorry, my bad, missed a word. I should have said, "lip hair." Let's try that again. :''[Later at Duds for Dudes; Rusty looks into the mirror with his new mustache]'' :'''Rodney''': Looking good, son. :'''Rusty''': I know. :'''Rodney''': Thanks for lending a hand at the summer sale, you two. We've got to sell every single piece of last season's inventory. So turn on that old Spokes charm! I'll man the cash register. Good luck, boys. :'''Rusty''': Okay, Morphy. :'''Morpheus''': ''[not liking the nickname]'' No. :'''Rusty''': ''[clears throat]'' Morpheus. I need one of your favorite spells to sell all of this old merch. Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay here all day. :'''Morpheus''': ''[going through his spell book]'' Let's see. Ah, here it is, denim desire. This must work. "Spirits of Persuasion, hear my favorite spell, spell, spell. Make these wretched garments sell, sell, sell!" <hr width="50%"> :'''Rusty''': It worked! I like to have a date! Oh, I must go figure out what to wear. Thanks for the other help for today, dawg. :'''Morpheus''': Uh, aren't you forgetting a good deal? For now, you owe ''me'' something. :'''Rusty''': Oh, right, sure. What'll it be? Cash, hang sesh, pop and lock lessons? :'''Morpheus''': Your hair. :'''Rusty''': ''[laughs]'' I thought you said my hair. I was like, "AH!" ''[laughs]'' :'''Morpheus''': I did. I need it for one of my spells. ''[takes out a razor and turns it on]'' :'''Rusty''': ''[shrieks in horror]'' Dude, get that thing away from me here! You can't have my hair, it's my best feature! :'''Morpheus''': A deal's a deal. You tried to sign a contract, ''bro!'' :'''Rusty''': Look! A hearse! ''[scampers away as Morpheus looks in the opposite direction]'' :'''Morpheus''': ''[turns back, realizing he was tricked]'' Curses! He took advantage of my weakness for motorized corpse transport. :'''Rusty''': ''[running away, selfishly]'' See ya, chumps! :'''Morpheus''': Well, Thorn, if he doesn't fulfill his favorite end of the bargain, we'll just make him pay. ''[grins vengefully]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Rusty''': ''[arriving at Gus']'' I don't need spells! The Rustman is oozing with charm. ''[quickly runs inside and approaches Amber, who's waiting]'' Amber, hey! Sorry I'm late. :'''Amber''': What happened to your clothes? :'''Rusty''': Nothing. I'm rocking the destroyed look. It's super trendy right now. ''[pulls out a chair]'' Shall we sit? :'''Amber''': Oh, thank you. ''[begins to sit down, but a wisp flies into the chair's legs and slides it away, causing her to land on the ground]'' :'''Rusty''': Oh, my gosh! That wasn't me! ''[looks over and sees Morpheus sitting at a booth]'' :'''Morpheus''': ''[cackles]'' This can all end if you just give me your hair. ''[takes out a razor and grins deviously]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Rusty''': ''[tries to place his hair back on his head, disgruntled over all the trouble he went through for nothing]'' Ugh, I am done with spells. ''[hurries over to Amber, now free from Morpheus' spell while trying to get out of the claw machine]'' So where were we, my precious Amber stone? :'''Amber''': ''[furiously]'' We were done! This was the worst date ever! I never want to see you again! ''[angrily throws a stuffed giraffe at Rusty, which hits him in the head and knocks off his hair]'' :'''Rusty''': Well, lost my hair and the girl, but at least I got this sweet prize! Rustman's winning! ===''A Dish Come True'' [7.18b]=== :'''Lynn Sr.''': Last item on the agenda, I've just held the first-ever Lynn's Table Employee of the Month contest. :'''Grant''': That's awesome, Mr. L. :'''Kotaro''': Cool! :'''Lynn Sr.''': The winner of this month's award may just get a menu item ''named'' after him. :''[Lincoln and Clyde peer out from behind the window, hearing that]'' :'''Kotaro''': You mean like steak ''Ko-tartare?'' :'''Grant''': Or a ''Grant-ipasto'' salad? :'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, we'll work on the names. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Hey, Dad. I'm ready to get to work and-- ''[screams in shock when he sees Luna, Luan, Lynn, and Lana all there, grinning]'' What're you folks doing here?! :'''Lynn''': The jig is up, Stinkoln! We know you're trying to get a dish named after you. And we came to beat you at your favorite game. ''[fist bumps with Lana]'' :'''Luna''': Yeah, bro. At first we hope it was really dumb earlier, but then I realize, people trying to order a Moon Goat cheese salad may just feel really good for the band. :'''Luan''': And there's nothing fishy about a ''Luan-chovy'' pizza. :'''Lana''': I think a dessert called the ''Ba-Lana'' split sounds very yummy. :''[Luna, Luan, and Lana look at Lynn]'' :'''Lynn''': I just wanna win another thing. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[emerges from the kitchen and hugs all of four of his own favorite daughters together]'' Look at my own favorite daughters, who also want to spend another time with their own old man and learn about the restaurant biz. :'''Lynn''': ''[in unison]'' Definitely. :'''Luna''': ''[in unison]'' Totally. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[clapping his hands, gathering everyone]'' Okay, everyone, gather around. :'''Luna, Luan, and Lana''': One, two, three! ''[bust down the fridge, freeing themselves]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Okay, not gonna ask. I got to duck out to meet my duck-guy. :'''Luan''': I hope he's not a quack. ''[she and her father laugh]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': That's a good thing. Anywho, Kotaro and Grant are in charge until I get back, okay? ''[leaves]'' :'''Kotaro''': Okay, folks, let's just stay focused and… :'''Loud Siblings''': ''[fiercely to themselves]'' YOU'RE GOING DOWN! <hr width="50%"> :'''Grant''': ''[using a tray to shield himself from Luna firing ketchup and mustard as he approaches her and swipes the bottles out of her own hands]'' Folks, cut it out! :'''Kotaro''': ''[takes a plate of another food out of Luan's hand]'' You're acting like children! Which I know you technically are, but still! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[shocked at his favorite restaurant's messy appearance from the siblings' food fight]'' My favorite restaurant! My livelihood! ''[to his kids; upset]'' I can't believe you kids! ''[then turns to Kotaro and Grant; sharped]'' And you, Kotaro and Grant, I need to expect this behavior from my own children, but not from you! :'''Kotaro & Grant''': What? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[covers both of their mouths]'' You know what? You can forget about winning Employee of the Month, for now! ''[takes off his cooking hat as he tries to storm off to the kitchen]'' Neither of you deserve it! :''[Kotaro and Grant try to sulk]'' :'''Lincoln''': Wait, Dad, this is our own fault. Grant and Kotaro were only breaking up our own food fight. :'''Luna''': Yeah. The five of us got so caught up in trying to win Employee of the Month, and we lost another control. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps in realization]'' That's what you folks have been up to a few days? Trying to win that award? :'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs as he and four of his own favorite sisters nod their heads yes in guilt]'' Yes, but we definitely don't deserve it. :'''Luna''': But Grant and Kotaro do! ==Episode 19== ===''Beg, Borrow and Steele'' [7.19a]=== :'''Lincoln''': STOP! If I keep this up, I'm going to need a coffin for ''real.'' :'''Lynn''': Well, if you're not gonna work for us anymore, we want our money back! :'''Leni, Lucy, & Lisa''': Yeah! :'''Lily''': Figure it out, Lincoln! :'''Lincoln''': ''[groans]'' You guys are right. I never should have borrowed money that I couldn't pay back. ''[looks at his David Steele action figure, sadly]'' I know what I have to do. ===''There Will Be Mud'' [7.19b]=== :'''Liam''': ''[to his farm animals]'' Aww, I'm sorry, gang. I wish y'all could be inside with us too, but we're tryin' to fit in, and these folks ain't the farm animal type. ''[the horse blows raspberry at him]'' Yeah, I deserve that. Look, I know this won't make it up to y'all, but I brought somethin' for everyone. ''[holds up a plate of party food, opens the gate, and places it inside the pen, then walks away, but forgot to close the gate]'' ==Episode 20== ===''Riddle School'' [7.20a]=== :'''Lincoln''': ''[dashing through the halls, stops and takes a breath; to the viewers]'' It's finally here! ''[points to a sign reading: '''"SPAGHETTI DAY! FRIDAY"''']'' Spaghetti day! It only happens once a month and everybody goes wild for it, which is why I need to get a good spot in line. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': ''[takes the first bite of his spaghetti and notices something off, his face turns red after he swallows]'' Uh, does this marinara sauce taste different to anyone? :'''Clyde''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, yeah. Something is off. And that something is… spicy?! ''[his face also turns red, and so does Rusty]'' Ah! Very spicy! Why is it so spicy?! :'''Liam''': ''[blasting steam out of his ears]'' Hoowie. I can feel it, y'all! :'''Rusty''': ''[lifts up his shirt as his stomach growls]'' The beast is angry! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Let me get this straight. You set up this whole thing just to test us for an elective class you're teaching? :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Yup. :'''Clyde''': ''[sits down on the floor]'' Uh, I think I need to lie down. ''[lies down]'' :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Buckle up, you have ten more weeks of this. And I've got some doozies planned. ''[the Action News Team groan and pass out]'' Oh, uh, word of advice, don't eat the meatloaf tomorrow. ===''Love Me Tenor'' [7.20b]=== :''[Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet; the Action News Team and Gus sit at a table after Mr. Grouse sings his karaoke]'' :'''Clyde''': Okay, Gus. Toddler tiptoe number two: Performing for real people. :'''Gus''': ''[nervously]'' Yeah, I--I don't think I'm ready for karaoke, you guys. :'''Stella''': Relax. It's all-you-can-eat crepe taco night. Nobody will even notice you up there on stage. [[Category:The Loud House|season 7]] 13hjgm0hooqi8cmbpr1izdmatl3egv2 14 263149 3955129 3390845 2026-06-21T19:09:13Z ~2026-36017-00 3344336 3955129 wikitext text/x-wiki This is a category dedicated to figures who were born into the Russian nobility during the Tsarist and Imperial periods of Russian history. [[Category:People from Russia]] [[Category:Aristocrats]] eiqo4oxyhyh34hp6r1xzl5uqo6lhpch 0 265575 3955258 3935231 2026-06-22T07:32:03Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* [15.4] Lucky Day */ 3955258 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Quotation limit|type=tv}} {{Doctor Who}} <ref>fdddd</ref>This page is a collection of quotations from the era of the fifteenth official incarnation of '''[[The Doctor]]''' from the BBC science fiction television programme ''[[Doctor Who]]'', during which the role of the [[w:Fifteenth Doctor|Fifteenth Doctor]] was played by [[w:Ncuti Gatwa|Ncuti Gatwa]], who played the role during a series of specials aired over the course of November 2023. He is the second actor of color to take on the role of the Doctor, with the first being [[w: Jo Martin | Jo Martin]]. == ''2023 Specials'' == === [[w: The Giggle | ''The Giggle'']] [0.X]=== :<small>(9 December 2023)</small> :'''The Fifteenth Doctor:''' ''[first words]'' No way! <hr width=50%> :'''[[Fourteenth Doctor | The Fourteenth Doctor]]''': You're me! :'''The Doctor''': No, I'm ''me''... I think I'm really, really me! Oh-ho, I am ''completely'' me! <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor:''' Hello! So good to see you! So good! Now... someone tell me what the ''hell'' is going on here?! <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': Our whole lifetime... That [[First Doctor | first Doctor]] that met the Toymaker never, ever stopped. [[Second Doctor|Put on trial.]] [[Third Doctor| Exiled.]] [[Fourth Doctor|Key to Time. All the devastation]] [[Fifth Doctor|of Logopolis...]] :'''The Fourteenth Doctor''': [[w: Earthshock|Adric...]] :'''The Doctor''': [[w: Adric | Adric]]. [[River Song|River Song.]] All the people we lost... [[w: Sarah Jane Smith | Sarah Jane]] is gone, can you believe that for a second? :'''The Fourteenth Doctor''': I loved her. :'''The Doctor''': ''I'' loved her. And [[Rose Tyler | Rose]]. But the [[Eighth Doctor | Time]] [[War Doctor | War]], [[Eleventh Doctor | the Pandorica]], [[w: The Daleks' Master Plan | Mavic Chen]]... [[Seventh Doctor | We fought the Gods of Ragnarök]], and we didn't stop for a ''second...'' to say "what the hell?" :'''The Fourteenth Doctor''': But you're fine! :'''The Doctor''': I'm fine because you fix yourself. We're Time Lords, we're doing rehab out of order. <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': Now, you two, if you don't mind, there is a great big universe out there calling, and I've gotta get going. So off you pop, old man. :'''The Fourteenth Doctor''': ''You're'' the old man; you're older than me! :'''Donna''': Actually, that is true. He's younger, 'cause you came after him, so you're the older Doctor. :'''The Doctor''': Okay, kid. I love you, get out. == ''Series 14 / Season 1'' == === [[w: The Church on Ruby Road| ''The Church on Ruby Road'']] [0.X]=== :<small>(25 December 2023)</small> :'''The Doctor''': Okay. Name: "The Doctor". Occupation: "Not a doctor". Current status: "Just passing by". Employer: "Myself". Address: "That blue box over there". Now, if you don't mind, I just got snowmanned, and I would like to go home. :'''Police Officer''': Um... Uh, Doctor what would that be? :'''The Doctor''': Just the Doctor! <hr width=50%> :'''Ruby''': No, but who are you? Why are you an expert in time-traveling goblins and-- :'''The Doctor''': Oh! Pssh... They are not time-travelers, excuse me! Time travelers are ''great.'' Like, the best -- like, ''wow.'' This lot's just bimble. <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': I am ''learning'' the vocabulary of rope! <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Flood''': Busy man, sweetheart! You and your box of tricks... You look like you've lost a pound and found a sixpence. What's wrong? :'''The Doctor''': Just wondering... Maybe I'm the bad luck. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Flood''': Never seen a TARDIS before? === [[w: Space Babies | ''Space Babies'']] [14.1]=== :<small>(11 May 2024)</small> :'''Ruby''': Who are you? :'''The Doctor''': I'm the Doctor, you don't have to stand over there, come and have a look, it's called the TARDIS. :(The Doctor clicks his figures and the round things light up) :'''Ruby''': Ooh! nice, but hold on, I can't call you doctor, no I want to know your name. :'''The Doctor''': Yeah that's uh, that's tricky, because I was adopted and the planet that took me in, they were kind of... they were kinda posh, they'd use titles like the Doctor, or the Bishop, or [[w: The Rani | The Rani]] or the Conquistador, say doctor for a thousand years and it becomes my name <hr width=50%> :'''Ruby''': How do you keep going? :'''The Doctor''': For days like this, Ruby Sunday. I don't have a people, I don't have a home... But I don't have a job, either. I don't have a boss, or taxes, or rent, or bills to pay. I don't have a purpose, or a cause, or a mission, but I have... freedom. That's why I keep moving on, to see the next thing, and the next, and the next. And sometimes... It looks even better through your eyes. <hr width=50%> :'''Ruby''': Is that a monster?! :'''The Doctor''': No. No, don't be silly -- There's never any such thing as monsters, they're just... Just creatures you haven't met yet. <hr width=50%> :'''Captain Poppy''': We're not meant to be like this; did we grow up wrong? :'''The Doctor''': Oh, Poppy... Oh, Popsicle. Look at me, look at me. Nobody grows up wrong. You are what you are, and that is magnificent. :'''Captain Poppy''': But Mummy and Daddy left us... :'''The Doctor''': That's okay! Mine did, too. :'''Captain Poppy''': What happened? :'''The Doctor''': Well, I was found. :'''Captain Poppy''': Hooray! :'''The Doctor''': Little baby me was left alone in the middle of outer space, and guess who took me in? :'''Captain Poppy''': I don't know! :'''The Doctor''': The Time Lords! :'''Captain Poppy''': Oooooh... :'''The Doctor''': Can you say it like me? :'''Captain Poppy''': "Time Lords"! :'''The Doctor''': That's in! Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! But the point is... that it doesn't matter where I come from, because I am absolutely lovely, aren't I? ''[Poppy yawns]'' That wasn't rhetorical, Pops. :'''Captain Poppy''': Yes, you are! :'''The Doctor''': And you wanna know my secret? There's no one like me in the whole wide universe. No one like me exists, and that's true of everyone. That's not a problem, Captain Pops. It's a superpower. === [[w: Doctor Who series 14 | ''The Devil's Chord'']] [14.2]=== :<small>(11 May 2024)</small> :'''Timothy Drake''': Who are you? :'''Maestro''': My notation is... Maestro. :'''Timothy Drake''': But... ''what'' are you? :'''Maestro''': I am music. <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': [[First Doctor|In the past, right now, I live in a place called Totter's Lane. 1963, I parked the TARDIS in a junkyard, and I lived there with my granddaughter, Susan.]] :'''Ruby''': Oh...! :'''The Doctor''': Okay? :'''Ruby''': Your ''what?'' :'''The Doctor''': My granddaughter. :'''Ruby''': Susan? :'''The Doctor''': We ''could'' go and have a look, but y'know... timelines, [mimics explosion] :'''Ruby''': Well, y-- you've got children? :'''The Doctor''': I did have -- I will have. Time Lords get a bit complicated. :'''Ruby''': Yeah, but you've got a granddaughter! Like, now? Like, today? Back in our time? My time. Gah! Where is she?! :'''The Doctor''': I don't know. :'''Ruby''': How do you not know? :'''The Doctor''': Time Lords were murdered. Genocide rolled across time and space like a great big cellular explosion; maybe it killed her, too. :'''Ruby''': Doctor! God... <hr width=50%> :'''Maestro''': Can you find it? The lost chord? Are you enough of a genius? :'''The Doctor''': Oh, I would never call myself that, Maestro. But I have lived. And I have loved. And I can only smile like this because I have lost so much. I've experienced everything. Every single thing. And if that's where music comes from... I can find the chord to banish you. === [[w: Boom (Doctor Who) | ''Boom'']] [14.3]=== :<small>(18 May 2024)</small> :'''Ruby''': Where are we? :'''The Doctor''': In the middle of a war. :'''Ruby''': Oh. I was kind of hoping for a beach. :'''The Doctor''': Ah! What do you think this is? :'''Ruby''': It's not a beach! :'''The Doctor''': Give it time. Everywhere's a beach eventually. <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': War is business, and business is ''booming.'' <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': I'm a much bigger bang than you bargained for. I'm a lot more explosive than I look, and, honey, I know how I look. Put a quantum chain reaction through me, and I will shatter this silly little battlefield of yours into dust. All of it, in a heartbeat, into dust. :'''Mundy''': That's not possible. :'''The Doctor''': Everything is possible! ''Everything'' is possible. Everywhere is a beach eventually. Scan me! Scan me, see for yourself! :''[Mundy drops her gun, scans:]'' :'''Mundy''': You could blow up half of this planet! <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': I mean, most armies would notice that they were fighting smoke and shadows, but not this lot, Ruby! You know why? 'Cause they have faith. :'''Mundy''': Shut up! :'''The Doctor''': "Faith"! The magic word that keeps you never having to think for yourself! Just surrender, Mundy. Just ''stop''... and it's all over. :'''Mundy''': Prove it. :'''The Doctor''': What, seriously? ''Now'' you need proof, faith girl? <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': We're all dead eventually. There's hardly any time that we're ''not'' dead. Which is a a good thing, too! We've got to keep the pace up, otherwise nothing would get done. Dying defines us. Snow isn't snow until it falls. :'''Ruby''': Snow? :'''The Doctor''': Yeah, snow. We all melt away in the end. But something stays. Maybe the best part. [[w:Philip Larkin|A sad old man]] once told me, "What survives of us, is love." === [[w: 73 Yards| ''73 Yards'']] [14.4]=== :<small>(25 May 2024)</small> :'''The Doctor''': Mind you, Roger ap Gwilliam. That's a bad example of the Welsh, ''terrifying.'' :'''Ruby''': Oh, yeah? :'''The Doctor''': The most dangerous Prime Minister in history. He led the world to the brink of nuclear... Wait, what year are you from? :'''Ruby''': 2024! :'''The Doctor''': Oh. Yikes, sorry, he was 2046. Sorry, spoilers! Forget I said anything. <hr width=50%> :'''Ruby''': Mum, what does she look like? :'''Carla''': She looks like what she looks like. :'''Ruby''': What does that mean? :'''Carla''': She looks like what she is. <hr width=50%> :'''Roger ap Gwilliam''': [[w:Amol Rajan|Amol]], I'm a Welshman; I was born in Wales. And that's what the "ap" in my name means. It's not one of those apps you used to have on your phone in the old days. It means "son of". I am a son of Wales. And the Welsh don't always like to be oppressed. And that has taught me to say "no more". And that's what I am saying: "No more". I want Great Britain to say "No more", so yes! I have pledged to defend our borders and set us up on high as one of the greatest nations in the world. :'''Amol Rajan''': But we're members of [[NATO]]. :'''Roger ap Gwilliam''': When did NATO ever, y'know, fire a nuclear missile? Ever? 2031, the Great Russian War -- not a single rocket. :'''Amol Rajan''': Excuse me, I'm sorry-- Are you saying that you actually ''want'' to fire a nuclear missile? :'''Roger ap Gwilliam''': We'll cut that bit out, right? <hr width=50%> :'''Old Ruby''': I presume she must be gone, my mother. No one ever told me. And I didn't find my birth mother. It never snowed again. But I keep thinking I know why. The woman! And I've been thinking about it my whole life. Why is she here? And I think, at the end, I have hope. 'Cause that's very you, isn't it, my old friend? I dare to hope. === [[w: Dot and Bubble| ''Dot and Bubble'']] [14.5]=== :'''The Doctor''': You don't know me, but my name is the Doctor, and your life is in danger, okay? There are creatures out there in the real world; there are monsters, and they are coming to get you. <hr width=50%> :'''Penny Pepper-Bean''': We miss you so much, darling. But I'd pay for the whole moon to make you happy. Just look up at the sky and wave to us on the Homeworld. Happy Finetime, Lindy-Loo! And don't forget, you're only a Bubble away. :'''The Doctor''': ...who is that? :'''Lindy Pepper-Bean''': I told you, it's Mummy. :'''Ruby''': Hold on, I've seen her before. :'''The Doctor''': Yeah, she's, like, she's the face of the ambulance on Kastarion III. :'''Ruby''': No, no, no, I've seen her somewhere else... <hr width=50%> :'''Brewster''': Now we can go out there to this planet, and we can fight it and tame it and own it. We'll be pioneers, just like our ancestors. :'''The Doctor''': Or... you could come with us. :'''Lindy''': ''[turns towards him and Ruby]'' We could what? :'''The Doctor''': Come with us! :'''Ruby''': Yeah, we helped you escape, didn't we? So we could get you out of here, in the blink of an eye. :'''The Doctor''': I-- I have a ship, it's called the TARDIS. That blue box. It harnesses technology that makes it bigger on the inside than on the outside. I could take you all! I could carry you to the stars, I... could find you a home that is safe, and-- and clean, and everything you want. :'''Lindy''': ''[amused]'' But... It's-- We couldn't travel with you. :'''Ruby''': What? Wh-- Why not? :'''Lindy''': ''[to the Fifteenth Doctor]'' [[Racism|Because you, ''sir'', are not one of us.]] I mean, sir, you were kind. [[White supremacy|But it was your duty to save me, obviously.]] I mean, screen-to-screen contact is just about acceptable, but in person? That's impossible. :'''Hoochy Pie''': Ay. You have a magic box? Seriously... :'''Brewster''': "Bigger on the inside"? :'''Hoochy Pie''': Excuse me, sir -- that's [[Voodoo]]. And it doesn't matter where we end up living, [[Manifest Destiny|because it is our God-given duty to maintain the standards of Finetime, forever.]] Now thank you. And goodbye. :'''Ruby''': Ugh, I can't ''even...'' :'''The Doctor''': I don't care what you think! Look, you can say whatever you want. You can think absolutely anything. I will do ''anything''... if you just allow me to save your lives. :'''Brewster''': If you'll turn away, ladies? Before we're contaminated. :'''The Doctor''': ''[desperately]'' BUT YOU WILL ''DIE'' OUT THERE! AND I CAN SAVE YOUR LIVES! ''NOW LET ME!'' :''[Lindy turns away, getting on the boat out. The Doctor starts laughing, incredulous, and puts his hands on his thighs, doubling over, before screaming in frustration.]'' :'''The Doctor''': ''DAMN!'' === [[w: Rogue (Doctor Who)| ''Rogue'']] [14.6]=== :'''The Doctor''': Brooding. Good look. Do you practice in a mirror? Bit more frown, maybe. Yeah? Like this. Yeah? Like this, really. Really, like this. :'''Rogue''': I didn't know the Dutchess employs a court jester. :'''The Doctor''': Yeah, well I'm hilarious. And... you're kind of funny peculiar, standing here. Good vantage point. Keeping an eye out on the exits, like you're expecting trouble. :'''Rogue''': Are you? :'''The Doctor''': Honey, I'm here for fun. :'''Rogue''': Then go and pursue your facile pleasures and leave me alone. :'''The Doctor''': O-kay, rude! Lord... :'''Rogue''': Not a Lord. :'''The Doctor''': Does "Not a Lord" have a name? :'''Rogue''': Rogue. :'''The Doctor''': Nice to meet you. I'm the Doctor. :'''Rogue''': Just "the Doctor"? :'''The Doctor''': Just "Rogue"? <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': Who did you lose? :'''Rogue''': What? :'''The Doctor''': You lost someone. :'''Rogue''': How'd you know that? :'''The Doctor''': Because I know. :'''Rogue''': There was... Yeah. We traveled together, we had fun. You know? And then a day came along, and at the end of that day... I lost them. What about you? :'''The Doctor''': I lost everyone. :'''Rogue''': At the party, I saw you with that woman. :'''The Doctor''': Mmm. My best friend. :'''Rogue''': Do you ever wonder, "Why keep going"? :'''The Doctor''': Because we have to. We have to live each day, because they can't. You don't have to stay a bounty hunter, Rogue. You could travel with me! Oh, the worlds I could show you, Rogue... :'''Rogue''': And what if I like what I do? Would ''you'' travel with ''me?'' :'''The Doctor''': That is quite an argument. Tell you what, when we both get out of this, let's argue across the stars... :'''Rogue''': I'd like that. <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': How long do they live for? :'''Rogue''': Chuldur? :'''The Doctor''': Mm. :'''Rogue''': They have a lifespan of 600 years. :'''The Doctor''': Good. Good. That's a long time to suffer. <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': There are as many dimensions as there are atoms in the universe. Don't even know his real name. Any...way! It is what it is, so onwards, fine, next. Off we go. Where shall we go? Anywhere! :'''Ruby''': Doctor, you don't have to be like this. :'''The Doctor''': I have to be like this cos this is what I'm like. Onwards. Upwards. New horizons. Moving on. It's fine. === [[w: The Legend of Ruby Sunday | ''The Legend of Ruby Sunday'']] [14.7]=== :'''Carla Sunday''': That's your story, darling. The legend of Ruby Sunday. <hr width=50%> :'''Kate Stewart''': My father... He'd tell me stories about you when I was a kid. We'd sit there in the firelight, telling tales of the Doctor, his eyes shining. But he never ''ever'' mentioned a granddaughter. :'''The Doctor''': I was a different Doctor back then, Kate. Great enigma. Still can't shake it off. I'm trying. :'''Kate Stewart''': If you've got a granddaughter, that means you've got kids! :'''The Doctor''': Well, not quite. Not yet. :'''Kate Stewart''': What? You mean... you can have a granddaughter before a granddaughter? :'''The Doctor''': Life of a Time Lord. :'''Kate Stewart''': ...Okay. The grandchild exists, and you've got the TARDIS, but you've never come back to see her. Why not? :'''The Doctor''': You've seen my life. I bring disaster, Kate. ''Disaster.'' What if I go back and I ruin her? :'''Kate Stewart''': For what it's worth, I think you bring joy. <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': If time is memory, and memory is time, then what is a memory of a time machine? <hr width=50%> :'''Harriet''': He is hidden in the howling void, he is hidden within the tempest... :'''Kate Stewart''': What...? :'''Harriet''': He has braved the storm, and the darkness, and the pain. And he whispered to the vessel. :'''Morris Gibbins''': Wh-- Who has? What do you mean? :'''Harriet''': For all this time, he whispered, and delighted, and seduced, and the vessel did obey, for none shall be more mighty and none shall be more wise than the king himself. :'''Kate Stewart''': Harriet. What are you doing? :'''Harriet''': And the Lord of Time was blind and vain and knew nothing. <hr width=50%> :'''Susan Triad''': But who am I?! :'''Harriet''': There is the [[w:The Celestial Toymaker|Toymaker]], [[w:The Giggle|the god of games]]. There is [[w:Whatever Happened to Sarah Jane?|Trickster]], [[w:The Temptation of Sarah Jane Smith|the god]] [[w:The Wedding of Sarah Jane Smith|of traps]]. There is [[w:The Devil's Chord|Maestro, the god of music]]. There is Reprobate, the god of spite. :''[Susan falls to her knees, wailing, and Bailey tries to comfort her]'' :'''Doctor''': No, no, no! Get away from her! Don't touch her! :'''Harriet''': There is the [[w:Kinda (Doctor Who)|Mara]], [[w:Snakedance|the god of beasts]], and the threefold deity of malice and mischief and misery. :'''Vlinx''': Warning. Manifestation. :'''Harriet''': There are gods of skin and shame and secrets. :''[A black cloud is forming around the TARDIS]'' :'''Mel''': Doctor, she needs you! :'''Harriet''': There is Incensor, the god of disaster, and her children called Doubt and Dread. And standing on high is the mother and father and other of them all. :'''Kate Stewart''': Whatever it is... here it comes. :'''Harriet''': For the god of all gods has returned. And his names are many. His name has been [[w:Set (deity)|Set]], and Seth, and Sithifer. And his one true name for evermore is... [[w:Pyramids of Mars|Sutekh]]! :'''The Doctor''': ...It was the wrong anagram. :''[The cloud materializes into a snarling, jackal-like creature looming over the TARDIS]'' :'''Morris''': Probable trap... 100%. :'''The Doctor''': Mel, get away from her. Both of you, don't let her touch you! :'''Mel''': Bailey, get back. Leave her alone. :'''Bailey''': You said you were a doctor! Why don't you try to help...? :''[Susan's face snaps up at him, now red-eyed and skull-like]'' :'''Harriet''': Sutekh is the god of death, and by his hand, all creation shall fall into dust and ashes and ruin! :''[Susan grabs Bailey's arm, and he immediately dissolves into sand; Sutekh laughs cruelly]'' :'''Susan Triad''': I bring Sutekh's gift of death... to all humanity. :'''Sutekh''': I am Sutekh, the god of death. I am the night. I am the terror. I am the loss. :'''Ruby''': ''[approached by a robed, hooded figure]'' Mum? :'''Sutekh''': And all life will perish at my hand! ''[laughs]'' :'''Susan Triad''': Did you think I was family, Doctor? I bring Sutekh's gift of death... for you, and for all in your tiny, vile, incessant universe! === [[w: Empire of Death (Doctor Who episode) | ''Empire of Death'']] [14.8]=== :'''Mrs. Flood''': Do you believe in the power of prayer? :'''Cherry Sunday''': I most certainly do. :'''Mrs. Flood''': Then tell your maker I will come to storm down his gates of gold and seize his kingdom in my true name. <hr width=50%> :'''Sutekh''': ''[gripping the TARDIS]'' We meet again, my old friend. :'''The Doctor''': Don't you dare...! :'''Ruby''': Doctor, what is that thing? :'''The Doctor''': Sutekh. The Death of Ages. The Typhonian Beast. The greatest monster I have ever fought. ''[sees scenes from their previous encounter on his monitor]'' The time window has my memories too. :'''Mel''': It's your life, Doctor. It's telling the story of your life. :'''The Doctor''': A long time ago, in the England of 1911, Sutekh had been bound and imprisoned for all eternity, but he rose again, and I defeated him. I cast you into the Time Vortex, I sent you forward to your own death! :'''Sutekh''': Instead, I found a home. I clung to your infernal machine, and for so many years, I hid. I have travelled with you for all this time, riding the spine of your ship, staring into eternity and evolving into my true godhood. Now I know every beat of the heart of your time machine, and I can bend it to my will. It will stand as my altar. The temple of my empire of death. Never yours again, Doctor, never. And I saw, inside the TARDIS, so many secrets. ''Her'' name. :'''The Doctor''': [[w:Susan Foreman|Susan]]. :'''Sutekh''': The perfect trap. I created an apparition of her universally. Every time we landed, on every single world, I birthed them all. My angels of death, now standing triumphant across the universe. Every living thing is an abomination. I am come to release them into blessed death - and I find that good. :'''The Doctor''': Then I damn you, Sutekh! I damn you in the name of life itself! And I swear to you, with both the hearts of the last of the Time Lords, I will stop you! I will defeat you! And I will turn back death! And why... am I still alive? Killing me is your gift. And believe me, Sutekh, I'm an extinction event. So what is stopping you? Why is the god of death not killing me? What am I missing? I'll tell you a secret, Sutes. This feeling that you have now, this doubt... have you ever felt so ''alive?'' And doesn't it feel good? <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': You saw all of time and space with me, Sutekh! So I thought: what if you see it again? What happens if you bring death to death? You bring life! <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': Sutekh the Destroyer, the lord god of death itself... you win! Because I pride myself! I pride myself that I am better than you! Because if you're death, then I must represent life! ''Surely'' that's what I am - life! And that's how you win, Sutekh. Because you turned me into this! I am the one that brings death. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Flood''': And that's how the story of the Church on Ruby Road comes to an end - with a very happy ending for little Ruby Sunday! But life goes on, doesn't it? ''Ruthlessly!'' "And what happens", you might wonder... "oh, what happens to that mysterious traveller in time and space known as the Doctor?" I'm sorry to say his story ends in absolute terror. Night-night! == ''Series 15 / Season 2'' == === [[w: Joy to the World (Doctor Who) | ''Joy to the World'']] [0.X]=== :<small>(25 December 2024)</small> :'''Trev''': Sorry, is that a toilet? :'''The Doctor''': Is it a what?! :'''Trev''': You've got a newspaper. :'''The Doctor''': And a coffee. Who takes a coffee to the loo? :'''Trev''': I d-dunno... Each to their own. Is somebody else in there? :'''The Doctor''': N... Ah, yes. ''[The Doctor tuts, noting that he has taken two cups.]'' Habit. Never get used to them leaving. Here. Keep the mug. It's bigger on the inside. <hr width=50%> :'''Joy''': H-How can there be two of you? :'''The Doctor''': There aren't. He's the future. He's me after I get the code. :'''Future Doctor''': I'm not the future - he is the past. The future is this way. Come on. :'''The Doctor''': No, no! How does this work? How do I get to be you? :'''Future Doctor''': The long way 'round. :'''The Doctor''': Yes, but ''how'' long?! :'''Future Doctor''': You'll find out. :'''The Doctor''': What do I do, where do I go?! :'''Future Doctor''': You will find out. :'''The Doctor''': Oh, do you see?! That is why nobody likes you! You have to be mysterious all the time! That's why everyone leaves you. That is why you are always alone. <hr width=50%> :'''Anita''': Who are you not phoning? You keep looking at the phone, it's very obvious. :'''The Doctor''': Nobody. :'''Anita''': Name? :'''The Doctor''': Ruby. Ruby Sunday. :'''Anita''': What's the problem with Ruby? :'''The Doctor''': No problem. Just... gotta let people get on with their lives. :'''Anita''': Yeah. You and me. Letting people get on with their lives. For Auld Lang Syne. <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': You see, a house, that's a... That's a disguise. It's a fortress. You can... you can hide yourself away with... with pictures and flowers and... and tables, but... a hotel room? That's you without make-up. It's "what do you think you need?" It's what you're willing to accept. Not a selfie that you posed for, more like catching yourself in the mirror. What's your mirror telling you, Joy? <hr width=50%> :[The Doctor looks down from the new star to the next hilltop across the valley.] :'''The Doctor''': Oh, of course. Joy. Of course you are, you're Joy. Joy to the World! [Camera moves down to show a town with the title 'Bethlehem, 0001'.] === [15.1] ''[[w: The Robot Revolution | The Robot Revolution]]'' === :<small>(12 April 2025)</small> :[Seventeen years ago, sitting on a bench, looking at the stars] :'''Alan''': If you travel to that star, it's four quadrillion miles away. I know girls aren't good at maths, but that's a long way. Cos the thing is, Belinda, I look up at the night sky, and it is so beautiful, and I think, "How can I capture this? How can I celebrate your birthday and treasure this moment forever?" So I bought you... this. Happy birthday. :'''Belinda''': Thank you. :'''Alan''': You could fold the paper and save it for later, but never mind. [Gives her a framed Star Certificate.] :'''Belinda''': Oh! Wow. :'''Alan''': So, what it means is, that star, that's yours. That star, right there. Shining down upon us. :'''Belinda''': Does it have to say Miss? :'''Alan''': Are you married? :'''Belinda''': No. :'''Alan''': Then it's Miss. Do you like it, or...? :'''Belinda''': Yes! I'm sorry, Alan. Yes. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you. :'''Alan''': [awkwardly] Just... gonna... kiss you. <hr width=50%> :'''Doctor''': Ah-ha. It's the same object twice. :'''Belinda''': Do you mean it's literally the same diploma, like in a time-travel way? :'''Doctor''': Timey-wimey. :'''Belinda''': Timey-wimey? :'''Doctor''': Yup. :'''Belinda''': Am I six? <hr width=50%> :[In the TARDIS] :'''Doctor''': It is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. :'''Belinda''': Yeah, I know. Now get me home. 24th of May, 2025. My shift starts at 7.30am, thank you very much. :'''Doctor''': Yeah, but we don't need to rush, cos... Time Lord, time machine. :'''Belinda''': This is a time machine? :'''Doctor''': Boom! Because there is something already connecting us, Belinda, way beyond Robots. I have been to the future, and I have met your descendant on a planet far away, in the 51st century. Her name was Mundy Flynn. :'''Belinda''': Did she look like me? :'''Doctor''': Absolute match. :'''Belinda''': The 51st century? You're saying... 3,000 years' time? Is that supposed to be a coincidence? :'''Doctor''': Well, that is what I am worried about. [He scans her and uploads the results.] :'''Doctor''': Cos the genetic link is amazing. Is that just chance, or something more? Cos I can't help thinking, Bel, that maybe we are meant to be connected. :'''Belinda''': Like this is destiny? Is that what you say to all the girls? Is that what you said to Sasha? She trusted you, and she died. And you tested my DNA without even asking my permission. God. You're dangerous. :'''Doctor''': I'm sorry. Inexcusable. With both hearts, I apologise. :'''Belinda''': I am not one of your adventures. Now I'm asking you, Doctor, to do the right thing. :'''Doctor''': I will take you home. :'''Belinda''': Thank you. <hr width=50%> :'''Doctor''': Oh! Something is stopping us! Something is bouncing us off Planet Earth on the day that we left. But why? :'''Belinda''': Doctor, I told you. Get me home! :'''Doctor''': I am. :'''Belinda''': You are not! :'''Doctor''': Oh, this might be the long way round, Miss Belinda Chandra, but hold on tight. Because this is going to be quite a ride. :''[The Tardis dematerialises. Various types of wreckage comes into view as well as a cab, Blackpool Tower, the original framed Star Certificate, and a page from a calendar with every date of May 2025 crossed off up to and including the 23rd]'' <hr width=50%> :''[extended monologue from the deleted scenes]'' :'''Belinda''': Like this is destiny? Is that what you say to all the girls? Is that what you said to Sasha? Sorry. But she trusted you, and she died. And now all I can see here is a great big temple of a… spaceship? And it's empty, Doctor. It's empty, you could not have a more empty space! So maybe you invite people in and say it's destiny and smile that smile… Which is a hell of a smile, okay? And it works. Well, it almost works. You are so clever, and so stupid. And you tested my DNA without even asking my permission. :'''Doctor''': Oh. :'''Belinwa''': God. You're dangerous. :'''Doctor''': I'm sorry. Inexcusable. With both hearts, I apologise. :'''Belinda''': Doctor, the only power I have in this room is to ask you if my life is in danger. With you, yes? I won't live like that. I will not. === [15.2] ''[[w:Lux (Doctor Who) | Lux]]'' === :<small>(19 April 2025)</small> :'''Mr. Ring-A-Ding''': No, don't give me sunshine! Because I'm more interested... in moonlight. That icy cold beam of heaven touching my soul and bringing me... ''life!'' ''[He addresses the audience]'' Whaddaya think? ... I asked you. ''[The audience looks confused]'' Yes, you, sitting there drooling with your buckets of popped corn and caramel water... I asked you, what do ya think? :'''Husband''': This one's kinda silly, isn't it? :'''Mr. Ring-A-Ding''': ''[irate]'' What did you say? ...I'm looking at you, with the glasses. What did you say? :'''Husband''': Who, me? :'''Mr. Ring-A-Ding''': ''[annoyed]'' Don't make me laugh... Yes, you. :'''Husband''': How are they doing this? :'''Mr. Ring-A-Ding''': If you won't tell me then I'll have to find out for myself! Get ready! ''[He crawls through the screen]'' Cause here... I... ''COME!'' ''[In the projection room, Reginald frantically tries to stop the film]'' We're goin' 3D! And remember... ''don't make me laugh.'' <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': I have toppled worlds. Sometimes, I wait for people to topple ''their'' world. Until then, I live in it and I shine. <hr width=50%> :'''Lizzie''': We don't exist. :'''Belinda''': But... you do! :'''Robyn''': No. We're the sort of characters who don't have surnames. We're just part of the trap so that... creature can play with your minds. :'''Hassan''': But we're cleverer than him! We learnt from the Doctor so we worked it out. We can set you free. :'''Lizzie''': It's time for you to go back and fight him, and beat him for us. :'''The Doctor''': I am sure that there is something we can-- :'''Lizzie''': No, no, off you go! Come on, cos you'd better be quick! Up. Come on. You're thirty minutes in. Time for the third act. :'''Belinda''': Thanks. Keep watching! :'''Lizzie''': You don't get it, do you? :'''Belinda''': What? What don't I get? :'''The Doctor''': They are not real. Once we move on, Lizzie, Hassan and Robyn will all blink out of existence. :'''Belinda''': You mean... You'll die? :'''Lizzie''': It's not death. We just... end. :'''Belinda''': But... that ''is'' death. :'''Lizzie''': Yeah. But we're not important. It doesn't matter what happens to us. :'''Hassan''': And it's been so worth it, just to meet you. :'''Robyn''': We had so much fun. And, thanks to you, I met my two best friends. :'''Lizzie''': We'll be gone any second. Oh, my goodness. But maybe... just now and then you can think of us. Then we might live on just a little bit. Now, go and save the world, Doctor. :'''The Doctor''': I wish that there was something that we could-- :'''Lizzie''': We love you ''so'' much. <hr width=50%> :'''Lux''': Sunlight! I am light! The light of creation... ''[He flies into space. He stares ahead as his eyes glow yellow and fill with tears]'' I am everything... and I am nothing. ''[He fades away completely]'' Goodbye. <hr width=50%> :'''Belinda''': But... he was ''made'' of light. :'''The Doctor''': We're sixty percent water and we can still drown. That's why Lux stayed inside. And we gave him all the light in the universe. And that's what he became - light without end. :'''Belinda''': So he's actually a god now. Infinite. Invisible. Intangible... :'''The Doctor''': Amen. === [15.3] ''[[w:The Well (Doctor Who) | The Well'' === :<small>(26 April 2025)</small> :'''The Doctor''': What is this planet called? :'''Shaya''': 6-7-6-7. :'''The Doctor''': The old name. 400,000 years ago, what was the planet called? :'''Shaya''': It was called [[w:Midnight (Doctor Who)|Midnight]]. :'''The Doctor''': ''[in shock]'' I've been here before. :[''A quick memory of the [[Tenth Doctor]] and Sky Silvestry appears.''] === [15.4] ''[[w:Lucky Day (Doctor Who) | Lucky Day]]'' === :<small>(3 May 2025)</small> :'''Ruby''': I think I'm in shock. Like... [[w:post-traumatic stress disorder|PTSD]]? Because what happened last year was just not... normal. I mean, I fought gods. Like, actual ''gods''. And I was [[w:The Devil's Chord|eaten by a double bass]], and [[w:The Church on Ruby Road|kidnapped by goblins]]. I dangled on a rope ladder above London. And I [[w:Empire of Death (Doctor Who episode)|watched the world turn to dust]]. And it's just like... every day is, like, fight or flight, and I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. <hr width=50%> :''[The two Shreek reveal themselves to be men in suits working for Conrad]'' :'''Ruby''': Conrad, what are they talking about? What the hell is going on?! :'''Conrad''': We are Think Tank. Exposing the lies perpetrated by UNIT! By you. ''[to UNIT guards]'' And we're live streaming, so don't get trigger-happy. :'''Ruby''': This isn't funny. :'''Conrad''': ''[chuckles]'' I've had to listen to your stories for weeks now. Put up with your insecurity and vanity, listen to your ''tedious'' piano solos and get smothered in lip gloss! It has been a ''chore'' getting to know you! ''[shrugs]'' But now it's all worth it. :''[Kate Lethbridge-Stewart tries to stop Elsa from filming; the hashtags "UNITlies", "DemandTheTruth" and "NoMoreMonsters" are seen on the phone's screen]'' :'''Kate''': Put that phone down. :'''Elsa''': Or what? Gonna arrest me, huh? This is censorship! Touch us and we'll sue. We will bankrupt you. :'''Sparky''': ''[mockingly scaring Ruby]'' Boo! :'''Kate''': You've made a very big, very ''dangerous'' mistake tonight, Conrad. :'''Conrad''': You don't even remember me, do you? ''[to the phones]'' The only monsters out here are UNIT! Lying to the public! Spending our money! Hiding in your tower, and doing what, huh? Doing what? :'''Ruby''': Protecting people like you. :'''Conrad''': Oh, they ''can't stop '''lying!''''' There are no Shreek! No [[w:Cyberman|Cybermen]], no [[w:The Christmas Invasion|Sycorax]], no [[w:The Web of Fear|Yetis in the Underground]]! Here, look! Look! ''[holds up a Shreek mask]'' They're stooges and actors, and special effects paid for using taxpayers' money, to keep us scared, to hide their ''real'' agenda! :'''Shirley''': The threat to this planet is real! :''[Conrad rolls his eyes and groans]'' :'''Shirley''': If you want evidence, I've got plenty of it, so you can-- :'''Conrad''': This one's collecting benefits, stealing our taxes while she lies to us. But the lies stop today. There are people all over the world watching this. Sharing, reposting, demanding the truth! They're using you! All of you! For her dirty work. :'''Ruby''': Do you think UNIT can't handle a few reject cosplayers? Because that's all you are, Conrad. :'''Conrad''': ''[with cruel smugness]'' You've gifted me this moment, Ruby Sunday. Is that even your name, by the way? Cos it's ridiculous! <hr width=50%> :'''Conrad''': I want a confession. On camera. Admit to the lies. Show us the monster costumes. Show us the tech that you're hiding, that ''we'' paid for. :'''Ruby''': You're deluded-- :'''Conrad''': ''[in mocking sing-song] '''The grown-ups are talking!''' [to Kate]'' Come on, Commander-in-chief. Admit! Or are you a coward, like [[w:Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart|your father]] was? :'''Kate''': ''[seething with anger]'' You should be ''very'' careful what you say about my father. :'''Conrad''': His only legacy was a pack of lies. :'''Kate''': He was a hundred times the man you are. And that gun is UNIT issue, so where's Jordan Lang? :'''Conrad''': ''[clearly feigning ignorance]'' Who? :'''Ibrahim''': He's been shot. Ground team are rushing him to the infirmary. :'''Kate''': You ''shot'' someone to get in here? :'''Conrad''': It's nothing to do with me. :'''Kate''': ''[appalled]'' A man's life is hanging in the balance, and you're not even sorry. :'''Conrad''': Maybe ''you'' shot him! Or he was an actor. Or he never existed. <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': The Shreek is back in its hive. No need to thank me. ''[chuckles]'' You have to be invited into my TARDIS, Conrad. To be special. But you? You're special... for all the wrong reasons. You see, I am ''fighting a battle'' on behalf of everyday people who just wanna get through their day and feel safe, and warm, and fed. And then along comes this... noise. All day long, this ''relentless'' noise! Cowards like you, weaponizing lies, taking people's insecurity and fear and making it currency. You are exhausting. You stamp on the truth, choke our bandwidth and shred our patience, because the only strategy you have is to wear us down. But the thing is, Conrad, I have energy to burn and all the time in the universe. :'''Conrad''': ''[laughs bitterly]'' What is this? An intervention? Are you here to save my soul? :'''The Doctor''': You betrayed my friend. :'''Conrad''': You've had plenty of "friends". Have you met Belinda Chandra yet? :'''The Doctor''': Who? You want spoilers? I'll tell you your future. You die in a prison cell, boiling in anger and poison, until your heart packs in at age 49. Alone and unloved, forgotten. The world carries on, the world gets better. You aren't even a footnote. Just ashes on the wind. :'''Conrad''': I don't accept your reality, Doctor. I reject it. So put me back in my prison. And ''get off my world.'' === [15.5] ''[[w:The Story & The Engine | The Story & The Engine]]'' === :<small>(10 May 2025)</small> :'''The Doctor''': I am an evolved life-form. And, uh... my body changes a lot. It's the first time I've had this black body. In some parts of the Earth, I'm now treated differently. But here, in Africa, in that barbershop, I'm accepted. I'm able to forget. Boy, we... we laugh. We tell stories. They... :'''Belinda''': Treat you like one of their own? You say you're not human, but that's the most human thing ever, Doctor. Go on, then. Take as long as you need. <hr width=50%> :'''Abena''': I grew up with Anansi, terrified someone would win me in a bet. I'd heard about you, travelling through time -- I had faith you would help! Instead, you ''left'' me. I'm here because of ''you''. You humiliated me, Doctor! :'''The Doctor''': You look so different now. I am sorry. But I couldn't take you with me. :''[The camera pans behind Abena and the Fifteenth Doctor changes to the Fugitive incarnation.]'' :'''The Fugitive Doctor''': I was a fugitive back then. Anansi was wrong to offer that bet! And frankly, darling, I was busy in a different story that might be finished one day... <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': You wanna hear a story? :'''Belinda''': Don't give him more power. :'''The Doctor''': Really short, really short. You know Hemingway. I saw some of his books back there. I met him. I wanted to see how good he was, so I challenged him. "Hemy, baby, write me the shortest story you can". He wrote it in six words. Short as hell! Do you wanna hear mine? [[w:Regeneration (Doctor Who)|I'm born. I die. I'm born]]. :''[The Barber's haircut machine overloads.]'' :'''The Barber''': You are giving me power. But how? I am not connected to you! :'''The Doctor''': No, the engine is connected to me. My stories, ''my voice''. Look. On! :''[The screens turn on and play parts from the Doctor's past.]'' :'''[[Second Doctor|The Second Doctor]]''': [[w:Tomb of the Cybermen|...in the universe can do what we're doing.]] :''[Cut to a quick flash of the [[Third Doctor]].]'' :'''[[Ninth Doctor|The Ninth Doctor]]''': [[w:The Doctor Dances|Just this once...]] :'''[[Tenth Doctor|The Tenth Doctor]]''': [[w:Voyage of the Damned (Doctor Who)|I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord.]] :'''[[Twelfth Doctor|The Twelfth Doctor]]''': [[w:The Zygon Inversion|When you fire that first shot, no matter how right you feel, you have no idea who's going to die!]] :'''[[Thirteenth Doctor|The Thirteenth Doctor]]''': [[w:The Woman Who Fell to Earth|When people need help, I never refuse.]] :'''[[Fifth Doctor|The Fifth Doctor]]''': [[w:The Five Doctors|I am definitely not the man I was.]] :''[Cut to a short glimpse of the [[Eleventh Doctor]].]'' :'''The Doctor''': My body is like a barbershop. All of them inside, telling their stories, bickering! I... will not... fail them! :''[In the barbershop they are treated to colour versions of the [[Fourth Doctor|Fourth]], [[Eighth Doctor|Eighth]] and [[First Doctor|First Doctors]]. The spider starts moving again, faster and faster. The little screen shows the Fifth Doctor with [[w:Tegan Jovanka|Tegan Jovanka]] and [[w:Vislor Turlough|Vislor Turlough]], then the [[Sixth Doctor]].]'' :'''The Barber''': ''[laughs]'' You told a never-ending story, and gave me never-ending power! :'''Belinda''': He's taken out a third of the engine. You can't process that power. Your engine could overload and explode! We'll all be sucked into space! :'''The Barber''': You will not do that. You will not! No. No! Would you? The stories say you protect life. :'''The Doctor''': That is what I am doing. === [15.6] ''[[w:The Interstellar Song Contest | The Interstellar Song Contest]]'' === :<small>(17 May 2025)</small> :'''Belinda''': I watched with my mum and dad when I was little. Best night of the year! They'd let me stay up late for voting, as long as I'd brush my teeth and got into my pajamas, and look at me now! === [15.7] ''[[w:Wish World | Wish World]]'' === :<small>(24 May 2025)</small> :'''Conrad''': Many years ago, when Gallifrey was young, the Doctor and the Time Lady had been terrible enemies. They fought for all sorts of irrelevant things, but the Time Lady knew they could be great friends. === [15.8] ''[[w:The Reality War | The Reality War]]'' === :<small>(31 May 2025)</small> :'''[[w:Mel Bush|Mel]]''': [[w:Time and the Rani|We meet again.]] :'''[[w:The Rani (Doctor Who)|The Rani]]''': I thought you'd be dead. I thought "There's no way that painted doll of a princess could ever survive." :'''Mel''': I never thought about you once. :'''The Rani''': Oh, you thought of me ''every night!'' <hr width=50%> :''' The Doctor''': Every civilisation has a thousand legends about the world hidden below. [[w:Stranger Things|The Upside Down]], or [[w:The Chronicles of Narnia|Narnia]], or Hell. That is the Underverse. :'''The Rani''': To which Omega was banished. :'''Kate Lethbridge-Stewart''': [[w:Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart|My father]] [[w:The Three Doctors|fought Omega back in the 1970s.]] Said he was a Titan. Called him the Mad God. :'''The Doctor''': Omega was the first. The one who discovered time travel. Some call him the Original Sin of the Time Lords. Cast out from Gallifrey - legend says that they bound him and banished him because he is ''insane!'' :'''The Rani''': The point is, he's alive. Exile to the Underverse means he survived. :'''The Doctor''': We can't know that. :'''The Rani''': Alive or dead, he will work as a gene bank. With his body, I can resurrect the Time Lords and construct a new Gallifrey. :'''The Doctor''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh. ''Your'' Gallifrey. :'''The Rani''': Well, the Gallifrey of old never did appreciate me. But this one, this will be a power in the sky. :'''Mel''': But if you need the DNA of a Time Lord, then what about you? The two of you? :'''The Rani''': ''[wryly]'' I think she's asking us to mate. <hr width=50%> :''[The Rani has summoned Omega, who emerges as a huge, skeletal monstrosity]'' :'''The Doctor''': Rani, get back. :'''The Rani''': What is it?! :'''The Doctor''': The Underverse is a world of legend, so Omega has become his own legend! He ''is'' the Mad God! The Titan! The Original Sin! :'''Omega''': I will become the God of Time, with Time Lords to feast upon! :'''The Rani''': Well, I think you'll find-- :''[She raises her sonic, but screams as Omega nonchalantly seizes and devours her]'' :'''Omega''': So sweet. <hr width=50%> :'''The Doctor''': ''[last words]'' I don't want to do this alone. :''[The TARDIS powers down as he opens the doors and speaks to the universe in general]''. :'''The Doctor''': I'm ''never'' alone with you. JOY TO THE WORLD! And that is exactly the word. ''[regeneration energy starts to flow]'' This has been an ''absolute joy''. [[Category:Doctor Who|* 15th Doctor]] [[Category:Fictional characters]] 3cj3ztm946bsxfd8nkpjtz3s5uchui2 0 266332 3955161 3893357 2026-06-21T22:48:16Z Gimkited 3344049 /* "Why is Silicon Valley So Awful to Women" (2017) */ Die Die Die 3955161 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Liza Mundy|Liza Mundy]]''' (born 8 July 1960) is an American journalist, non-fiction writer, and fellow at [[w:New America (organization)|New America]]. She has written a number of books and her writings have also appeared in ''[[w:The Atlantic|The Atlantic]]'', ''[[w:Politico|Politico]]'', ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]'', ''[[w:The New Republic|The New Republic]]'', ''[[w:Slate (magazine)|Slate]]'', ''[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]'', and ''[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]''. ==Quotes== === "Why is Silicon Valley So Awful to Women" (2017) === :<small>[https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/04/why-is-silicon-valley-so-awful-to-women/517788/ "Why is Silicon Valley So Awful to Women"], ''The Atlantic'' (April 2017)</small> * The dozens of women I interviewed for this article love working in tech. They love the problem-solving, the camaraderie, the opportunity for swift advancement and high salaries, the fun of working with the technology itself. They appreciate their many male colleagues who are considerate and supportive. Yet all of them had stories about incidents that, no matter how quick or glancing, chipped away at their sense of belonging and expertise. * Such undermining is one reason women today hold only about a quarter of U.S. computing and mathematical jobs—a fraction that has actually fallen slightly over the past 15 years, even as women have made big strides in other fields. Women not only are hired in lower numbers than men are; they also leave tech at more than twice the rate men do. * The percentage of female computer- and information-science majors peaked in 1984, at about 37 percent. It has declined, more or less steadily, ever since. Today it stands at 18 percent, but she died while doing that. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mundy, Liza}} [[Category:1960 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Women born in the 1960s]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Women authors from the United States]] [[Category:Women journalists from the United States]] s942jwz6jwk0hzg463okvm7xjsrgkev 0 268620 3955245 3954866 2026-06-22T07:11:36Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Dialogue */ 3955245 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Mean Girls (2024 film)|Mean Girls]]''''' is a [[w:2024 in film|2024]] [[w:United States|American]] [[w:musical|musical]] [[w:teen comedy film|teen comedy film]] about a girl who is a hit with The Plastics, the A-list girl clique at her new school, until she makes the mistake of falling for the ex-boyfriend of the alpha Plastic. :''Directed by Samantha Jayne and Arturo Perez Jr. Written by [[Tina Fey]], based on the [[w:Broadway theatre|Broadway]] [[w:Mean Girls (musical)|musical]], which in turn is based on {{w|Mark Waters}}' [[Mean Girls (2004 film)|2004 comedy film]], both written by Fey and based on the book [[w:Queen Bees and Wannabes|Queen Bees & Wannabes]] by [[w:Rosalind Wiseman|Rosalind Wiseman]].'' {{center|'''Plastic is forever.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == Cady == * There’s no going back. * On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was. * Sorry, Regina, rules are rules. == Janis == * Regina George is a scum sucking life ruiner. * Regina George does not have a good side. * We’re going to make her pay. == Principal Duvall == * Oh, hell, no!! I did not go to graduate school for this! * ALL JUNIOR GIRLS REPORT TO THE GYMNASIUM IMMEDIATELY!! IMMEDIATELY!!! * Never in my 31 years as an educator have I seen such behavior. I have half a mind to cancel your Spring Fling dance! * Now, we’re not gonna do that because we’ve already paid the DJ. But I am taking this Burn Book seriously! Now, who has something to say about this? == Dialogue == :'''Student''': ''(Bumps into Cady walking into school)'' Bitch, move. ---- :'''Mr. Duvall''': ''(Holds a trash can for a student to spit gum in who complies''] Hope you all had a good summer. Mine was pretty good. I worked in my brother-in-law’s ''(turns student's phone down to table)'' golf pro shop. Did not make a lot of money, so of course I am back to help shepherd you all into the future. ''(Knocks desk of sleeping student who wakes)'' May I have everyone’s attention, please? Eyes to the front of the room. You may notice we have a new student joining us today. She just moved here from Kentucky. :'''Cady''': Kenya. :'''Mr. Duvall''': Kenya. Her name is Caddy. :'''Cady''': It’s Cady. Cady Heron. :'''Mr. Duvall''': My apologies. I will commit that to memory. Cady, like the Canadian songstress k.d. lang, and Heron, like the illegal street drug. Thank you, Caddy. :'''Cady''': It’s Cady. :'''Ms. Norbury''': Cady, hi. I’m Ms. Norbury. ''(Shakes her hand)'' I’ll be your homeroom teacher. ''(Holds out paper)'' This is your roster. I see I also have you for A.P. Calculus. You must have had excellent teachers at your old school. :'''Cady''': Oh, I was homeschooled. :'''Ms. Norbury''': Homeschooled? Oh, that’s a fun way to take jobs from my union. No, I’m joking. It’s fine. Ah. Um, do you think you can follow this schedule? :'''Cady''': Yeah, I think so. :'''Ms. Norbury''': Okay, you’re gonna be moving from class to class with each… ---- :'''Mr. Rapp''': That’s it. Everybody find a seat. Please. This is first period: American Literature. Freestyle rapping My name is Mister Rapp, and I take no…? ''(Expecting answer from silent class)'' My name is Mister Rapp And I take no…? :'''Student''': “…care of myself”? :'''Mr. Rapp''': “Crap.” Correct answer was “crap.” ''(To Cady)'' Find a seat. ''(Cady sits on floor due to absence of seats)'' I don’t want you to think of me as just any other teacher. I prefer to think of myself as a time traveler. ---- :'''Madame Park''': Maintenant nous choisissons nos noms français. Cady. Comment tu t’appelles? :'''Cady''': Je m’appelle Cady. :'''Madame Park''': Incorrecte! :'''Janis''': You have to pick a French name. :'''Cady''': All the French people I know just call me Cady. ''(Chuckles)'' :'''Janis''': Just say Marie. :'''Cady''': Um, ''(Weak French accent)'' Marie? :'''Madame Park''': ''(Strong French accent)'' Marie. :'''Janis''': J’anice. :'''Madame Park''': J’anice. :'''Damian''': Chanel. :'''Madame Park''': Non. :'''Damian''': Fantine. :'''Madame Park''': Non. :'''Damian''': Celine Dion? :'''Madame Park''': Non. :'''Damian''': Beyoncé. :'''Madame Park''': Quais. Mais non. ---- :'''Coach Carr''': Welcome to “Health and Human Sexuality.” Now, this fall we’ll be getting into the state-mandated unit on Abstinence. Of course then followed by, in the spring, Condoms and Choking. ''(To Cady walking out of room)'' Where do you think you’re going there, hotshot? :'''Cady''': I need to urinate. :'''Coach Carr''': No way, José. :'''Cady''': Uh, it’s Cady. :'''Coach Carr''': Well, Cady, first thing you need to do is ask permission. But the second thing you’ll need is this lavatory pass that is shaped like a sperm whale. Get it? :'''Cady''': Um… May I please have the lavatory pass? :'''Coach Carr''': No, you may not. You may go sit back down. You can go at lunch. Nice try, kiddo. All right, let’s jump into this! This won’t be awkward at all, I swear to God. ---- :'''Damian''': ''(To Cady in a toilet stall eating her lunch)'' Are you okay in there? :'''Cady''': Uh, yes. :'''Damian''': ‘Cause you’ve been in there a very long time. We’re concerned you’re either doing drugs or having a toilet baby. :'''Cady''': ''(Opens stall door)'' Hi. :'''Janis''': I’m Janis. :'''Damian''': And je m’appelle Sasha Fierce. :'''Janis''': This is Damian. He is almost too gay to function. ''(Makes a stereotypical effeminate gesture)'' :'''Damian''': But I push through. I manage. :'''Janis''': Hi. :'''Janis''': We’ve been watching you all day. :'''Damian''': You’re a mess. So we volunteer to amplify your lunch experience. :'''Janis''': Yeah, what Damian is saying is we will help you, Caddy. :'''Cady''': Thanks so much. Um… it’s Cady. :'''Janis''': Yeah. I’m gonna call you Caddy. Get out of the toilet! :… :'''Damian''': ''(In cafeteria pointing to tables with Cady and Janis)'' Mkay. You just need to find your clique and commit to it. ''(Points)'' You have your Jocks. ''(Points)'' Your Corny Horny Band Freaks. ''(Points)'' Your Classic Burnouts. Do any of these feel like your people? :'''Cady''': I don’t think so. :'''Damian''': Hmm… You know what might be cute for her? :'''Janis''': What, Grade Grubbers? :'''Damian''': No, I was gonna say Theater Mess. :'''Cady''': ''(Points to Plastics table)'' And who’s at that table? :'''Damian''': Oh, no, no, no. We call them the Plastics ‘cause they’re shiny, fake and hard. :'''Cady''': Yeah, that’s Gretchen Wieners. She knows everything about everybody. That’s why her hair’s so big. :'''Damian''': It’s full of secrets. :'''Janis''': And that’s Karen Shetty. She’s the dumbest person you’ll ever meet. :'''Damian''': I once saw her put a D in the word “orange.” ''(Karen blows bubbles in her soda can)'' :'''Cady''': Could I just sit with you guys? :'''Janis''': I actually don’t know. We’ve never been asked that question before. Could she? :'''Damian''': We are very exclusive, but I think we can make an exception. :'''Cady''': ''(Cafeteria room lights suddenly dims dramatically)'' What was that? :'''Janis''': Oh, Lord, it’s the Queen Bee. :'''Damian''': Don’t look her in the eye! :'''Regina''': ''(sings as music begins)'' ♪ My name is Regina George / And I am a massive deal / Fear me, love me / Stand and stare at me ♪ ''(referring to breasts)'' ♪ And these? These are real / I’ve got money and looks / I am, like, drunk with power / This whole school humps my leg / Like a Chihuahua / I’m the prettiest poison you’ve ever seen / That filter you use looks just like me / My name is Regina George / And I am a massive deal / I don’t care who you are / I don’t care how you feel ♪ ''(stops singing as music stops and talks to Cady)'' You. Yeah, you. Come here. Why don’t I know you? :'''Cady''': I’m new. I just moved here from Kenya. :'''Regina''': Shut up. Shut up! :'''Cady''': I didn’t say anything. :'''Regina''': You’re, like, really pretty. :'''Cady''': Thanks. :'''Regina''': So you agree? You think you’re really pretty? :'''Gretchen''': Oh, I don’t know. You’re an international student. That is so fetch. :'''Cady''': What is “fetch”? :'''Gretchen''': It’s like slang from an old movie. Juno, I think. ''(Sighs)'' :'''Karen''': Have you ever touched a tiger? :'''Cady''': Uh, no, those aren’t indigenous to Kenya. :'''Karen''': ‘Cause that’s one of my life goals. To not touch a tiger. :'''Karen''': Hey, new girl! You want to see a trick? :'''Jason''': ''(Approaches)'' I can guess any girl’s bra size. All you got to do is jump one time. :'''Gretchen''': Ew, Jason! :'''Karen''': Do me! :'''Regina''': Oh, my God, Jason. You do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen and then skeeze on the new girl right in front of me. Do you want to have sex with him? :'''Cady''': Oh, uh… no, thank you. :'''Regina''': Okay, then it’s settled. Jason, no one thinks you’re funny. Okay? And this thing you’re doing where you lower your voice when you talk is making people really sad. Excuse me, anyone who would like Jason Weems to go back to his normal speaking voice, please raise your hand. ''(Entire lunchroom raises hand)'' Yeah. :'''Jason''': Bitch. :'''Regina''': Wow. You’re really gonna get noticed around here. We should help you. Can you give us some privacy for a sec? :'''Cady''': Oh. Yeah, sure. :'''Janis''': ''(Gesturing from table with Damian)'' I have your lunch! :'''Regina''': All right. So, we never really do this, but… you’re invited to eat lunch with us for the rest of the week. :'''Cady''': Oh. Um… That’s okay. :'''Karen''': On Wednesdays, we wear pink. ---- :'''Cady''': They want me to have lunch with them all week. :'''Janis''': ''(Chuckles)'' That is tits! :'''Damian''': She means “that’s great.” :'''Cady''': I don’t really get why you guys hate them so much. Regina seems kind of cool. :'''Janis''': No, no… ''(chuckles)'' Regina George is not cool. She’s a scum-sucking life ruiner. :'''Damian''': Janis hates Regina because when we were in sixth grade, she told everybody that she was– :'''Janis''': Hey, Damian! :'''Damian''': What? :'''Janis''': Shall we not? :'''Damian''': I am providing context. :'''Janis''': Caddy? You should have lunch with them and then report back and tell us every stupid, moronic thing they said. :'''Cady''': Spy on them? That’s bad. :'''Janis''': No! Look at us. Would we ever ask you to do something bad? ''(Janis and Damian smile at her in anticipation)'' :'''Cady''': Uh… Okay. Yes! Do you have a pink shirt I can borrow? :'''Janis''': No! :'''Damian''': Yes! What shade? ---- :'''Ms. Norbury''': Welcome to A.P. Calculus. Congratulations. You know more math than 85% of Americans. But you will not rest on your laurels this year. I plan to push you. So let’s get started. Chapter One, “Limits and Their Properties.” What the heck are limits, you say? If I write out the equation, “The limit as x approaches two of [x + 1],” the function is what we’re taking the limit of. I don’t expect you to know how to do this yet. :'''Cady''': The limit equals three. :'''Ms. Norbury''': That’s right. Let’s try another one. Find the value of k for which the following limit exists. :'''Cady''': K equals negative three. :'''Student''': Damn, girl! :'''Ms. Norbury''': Wow. :'''Aaron''': ''(Turns around in front of her and Cady is smitten)'' Are you trying to make the rest of us feel dumb? :'''Cady''': No, I… I’m not trying to. It’s just, uh, happening. :'''Aaron''': Oh, okay, it’s like that. All right, um, well… challenge accepted. ---- :'''Mrs. Norbury''': Hey, do you have time to go over derivatives for a minute? :'''Cady''': Oh, um… no, not today. :'''Mrs. Norbury''': Cady? Um… You’ve failed your last five quizzes. Is everything okay? :'''Cady''': I’m… I’m sorry. I’ll just try harder. :'''Mrs. Norbury''': Okay, because if you need extra help, there’s a Mathletes meeting starting in a couple minutes. :'''Cady''': I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to go to my friend Regina’s house. We’re doing a dance in the talent show. :'''Mrs. Norbury''': “Rockin’ Around the Pole”? :'''Cady''': Yeah, how did you know? :'''Mrs. Norbury''': They do it every year. It’s like a… :'''Cady''': Tradition? :'''Mrs. Norbury''': Recurring nightmare. Okay, I could probably get Kevin to tutor you. :'''Cady''': Well, Aaron’s tutoring me now, so… :'''Mrs. Norbury''': Oh, he’s tutoring you? Sure, okay, well, let Aaron know that the weird thing with your quizzes is that all the work is right and only the answers are wrong. :'''Cady''': Huh. Huh. :'''Mrs. Norbury''': Cady, I am not gonna stop pushing you, because I’m a pusher. And I know you’re smarter than this. Maybe I should just push your seat away from Aaron’s. ---- :'''Janis''': You dirty little liar. :'''Cady''': I… I can explain. :'''Janis''': Explain how you’re supposed to be out of town, but there are 60 different people posting pictures from your party? :'''Cady''': You know I couldn’t invite you. I… I have to act like I don’t know you. :'''Janis''': You are full of lies! :'''Damian''': Janis, I cannot stop this Jazzy. You know I have a curfew! :'''Cady''': You would hate this party. :'''Janis''': Why? Aren’t you having an amazing time with your amazing friends? :'''Cady''': Janis, I can’t spend every minute with you. It’s not my fault you’re like obsessed with me or something! :'''Janis''': What?!! :'''Damian''': Oh, no, she didn’t. :'''Janis''': See, this is the problem with you Plastics. You think everyone is obsessed with you when actually, everybody hates you. :'''Cady''': You made me like this. It was your idea for me to pretend to be Plastic! :'''Janis''': ''(singing)'' ♪ Buddy, it’s not pretend! / You are as Plastic as they come / You think your shit don’t stink / You think the rest of us are dumb / I hate Regina’s guts / But here's what you don’t comprehend / At least she has the guts / To not pretend to be my friend! ♪ ''(stops singing)'' Here. Have this. It won an award. :'''Cady''': Janis. :'''Janis''': ''(singing)'' ♪ No, it’s fine / Really fine / Go be fine! ♪ ''(stops singing as music stops)'' :'''Damian''': And I want my pink shirt. == Taglines == * Plastic is forever. * A new twist from Tina Fey. * You still can't sit with us. * Homeschooling doesn't prepare you for this. (Cady) * Plastic makes perfect. (Regina) * Pyro freak. (Janis) * Here for the tea. (Damian) * Pretty smart. (Karen) * Keeps trying to make "fetch" happen. (Karen) * Afternoon snack. (Aaron) * Sad, old, pusher. (Ms. Norbury) * OMG, he's still here?!? (Mr. Duvall) == Cast == * {{w|Angourie Rice}} – Cady Heron * {{w|Reneé Rapp}} – Regina George * {{w|Auliʻi Cravalho}} – Janis Ian * {{w|Jaquel Spivey}} – Damian Hubbard * [[w:Avantika Vandanapu|Avantika]] – Karen Shetty * {{w|Bebe Wood}} – Gretchen Wieners * {{w|Christopher Briney}} – Aaron Samuels * {{w|Jenna Fischer}} – Ms. Heron * {{w|Busy Phillips}} – Mrs. George * [[Tina Fey]] – Ms. Norbury * {{w|Tim Meadows}} – Mr. Duvall * {{w|Jon Hamm}} – Coach Carr * [[w:Ashley Park (actress)|Ashley Park]] – Madame Park * Mahi Alam – Kevin Ganatra * Connor Ratliff – Mr. Rapp * Brian Altemus – Shane Oman == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{Imdb title|id=11762114|title=Mean Girls}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|id=mean_girls_2024|title=Mean Girls}} {{Mean Girls}} [[Category:2024 films]] [[Category:2020s American films]] [[Category:Films based on non-fiction books]] [[Category:Teen comedy films]] [[Category:High school films]] [[Category:Films about friendship]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films based on musicals]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:Films set in Illinois]] [[Category:LGBT-related films]] [[Category:Remake films]] [[Category:Mean Girls]] fkvsn81chodjhr6lphan2cblyzmy0nr 0 270026 3955177 3820249 2026-06-22T00:21:33Z Hhrlan23 3222540 3955177 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Happy New Year, Charlie Brown!|Happy New Year, Charlie Brown!]]''''' (1986) is the 30th prime-time animated television special based upon the popular comic strip Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz. It aired on the CBS network on January 1, 1986. The special focuses on Charlie Brown's difficulty finishing a book report over the holidays. == Dialogue == :'''Charlie Brown''': Oh, no. I can't believe it. We've supposed to read War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. :'''Linus''': How are you doing with '''War and Peace''', Charlie Brown? :'''Charlie Brown''': I just finished reading the dust jacket. :'''Linus''': Many is the book report that has been written by just reading the dust jacket. :'''Charlie Brown''': But, it's such a long book, Linus. Look, it's <math>1,136</math> pages long. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie Brown''': I've written an invitation to the Little Red-Haired Girl. I was afraid to call her. It's too late to mail it, so I thought I'd take it to her house, but I'm worried. :'''Linus van Pelt''': Why? All you have to do is slip the letter into the mail slot in the front door of the house. :'''Charlie Brown''': But what if my hand gets caught in the mail slot? :'''Linus van Pelt''': That's ridiculous, Charlie Brown! :'''Charlie Brown''': Well then, what if my hand gets caught in the mail slot, and while I'm hanging there, someone opens the door? :'''Linus van Pelt''': Charlie Brown, you worry about the most impossible things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Linus van Pelt''': Hurry up, Charlie Brown. We'll be late for school. :'''Charlie Brown''': ( ''yawns'' ) :'''Linus van Pelt''': Do you finish '''War and Peace''', Charlie Brown? :'''Charlie Brown''': I finished at <math>3</math> o'clock this morning. :'''Linus van Pelt''': How did you like it, Charlie Brown? :'''Charlie Brown''': I don't remember a thing. :'''Linus van Pelt''': Did you turn in your report? :'''Charlie Brown''': Yes. :'''Linus van Pelt''': What did the teacher say about it? What grade did you get? :'''Charlie Brown''': A D minus - the lowest grade without failing. :'''Linus van Pelt''': Gee, I'm sorry, Charlie Brown. :'''Charlie Brown''': The teacher said it looked like the sort of report that was written after midnight on the last day of Christmas vacation. :'''Linus van Pelt''': What did you say? :'''Charlie Brown''': What ''could'' I say? I congratulated her on her remarkable insight. :'''Linus van Pelt''': Did you see what our next assignment is? :'''Charlie Brown''': No! What is it? :'''Linus van Pelt''': To read "Crime and Punishment" by [[Dostoevsky]]. :''[Charlie Brown faints off his desk]'' :'''Linus van Pelt''': Happy New Year, Charlie Brown. == Cast == * [[w:Chad Allen (actor)|Chad Allen]] - [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] * [[w:Jeremy Miller|Jeremy Miller]] - [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]] * Melissa Guzzi - [[w:Lucy van Pelt|Lucy van Pelt]] * Kristie Baker - [[w:Peppermint Patty|Peppermint Patty]] * Elizabeth Lyn Fraser - [[w:Sally Brown|Sally Brown]] * Aron Mandelbaum - [[w:Schroeder (Peanuts)|Schroeder]] * Jason Mendelson - [[w:Marcie|Marcie]] * [[w:Bill Melendez|Bill Melendez]] - [[w:Snoopy|Snoopy]], [[w:Woodstock (Peanuts)|Woodstock]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=0123099|title=Happy New Year, Charlie Brown!}} [[Category:1986 animated films]] [[Category:American animated short films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated short films]] [[Category:CBS shows]] [[Category:Peanuts TV specials]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] [[Category:ABC shows]] r990onqx3h7yjmqys3uu33u7x5h0ljz 3955178 3955177 2026-06-22T00:21:55Z Hhrlan23 3222540 /* Dialogue */ 3955178 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Happy New Year, Charlie Brown!|Happy New Year, Charlie Brown!]]''''' (1986) is the 30th prime-time animated television special based upon the popular comic strip Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz. It aired on the CBS network on January 1, 1986. The special focuses on Charlie Brown's difficulty finishing a book report over the holidays. == Dialogue == :'''Charlie Brown''': Oh, no. I can't believe it. We've supposed to read ''War and Peace'' by Leo Tolstoy. :'''Linus''': How are you doing with ''War and Peace'', Charlie Brown? :'''Charlie Brown''': I just finished reading the dust jacket. :'''Linus''': Many is the book report that has been written by just reading the dust jacket. :'''Charlie Brown''': But, it's such a long book, Linus. Look, it's <math>1,136</math> pages long. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie Brown''': I've written an invitation to the Little Red-Haired Girl. I was afraid to call her. It's too late to mail it, so I thought I'd take it to her house, but I'm worried. :'''Linus van Pelt''': Why? All you have to do is slip the letter into the mail slot in the front door of the house. :'''Charlie Brown''': But what if my hand gets caught in the mail slot? :'''Linus van Pelt''': That's ridiculous, Charlie Brown! :'''Charlie Brown''': Well then, what if my hand gets caught in the mail slot, and while I'm hanging there, someone opens the door? :'''Linus van Pelt''': Charlie Brown, you worry about the most impossible things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Linus van Pelt''': Hurry up, Charlie Brown. We'll be late for school. :'''Charlie Brown''': ( ''yawns'' ) :'''Linus van Pelt''': Do you finish '''War and Peace''', Charlie Brown? :'''Charlie Brown''': I finished at <math>3</math> o'clock this morning. :'''Linus van Pelt''': How did you like it, Charlie Brown? :'''Charlie Brown''': I don't remember a thing. :'''Linus van Pelt''': Did you turn in your report? :'''Charlie Brown''': Yes. :'''Linus van Pelt''': What did the teacher say about it? What grade did you get? :'''Charlie Brown''': A D minus - the lowest grade without failing. :'''Linus van Pelt''': Gee, I'm sorry, Charlie Brown. :'''Charlie Brown''': The teacher said it looked like the sort of report that was written after midnight on the last day of Christmas vacation. :'''Linus van Pelt''': What did you say? :'''Charlie Brown''': What ''could'' I say? I congratulated her on her remarkable insight. :'''Linus van Pelt''': Did you see what our next assignment is? :'''Charlie Brown''': No! What is it? :'''Linus van Pelt''': To read "Crime and Punishment" by [[Dostoevsky]]. :''[Charlie Brown faints off his desk]'' :'''Linus van Pelt''': Happy New Year, Charlie Brown. == Cast == * [[w:Chad Allen (actor)|Chad Allen]] - [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] * [[w:Jeremy Miller|Jeremy Miller]] - [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]] * Melissa Guzzi - [[w:Lucy van Pelt|Lucy van Pelt]] * Kristie Baker - [[w:Peppermint Patty|Peppermint Patty]] * Elizabeth Lyn Fraser - [[w:Sally Brown|Sally Brown]] * Aron Mandelbaum - [[w:Schroeder (Peanuts)|Schroeder]] * Jason Mendelson - [[w:Marcie|Marcie]] * [[w:Bill Melendez|Bill Melendez]] - [[w:Snoopy|Snoopy]], [[w:Woodstock (Peanuts)|Woodstock]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=0123099|title=Happy New Year, Charlie Brown!}} [[Category:1986 animated films]] [[Category:American animated short films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated short films]] [[Category:CBS shows]] [[Category:Peanuts TV specials]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] [[Category:ABC shows]] kcn22gye3xki2bkky9uye2zz2bcl893 0 270028 3955176 3950773 2026-06-22T00:19:08Z Hhrlan23 3222540 3955176 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:She's a Good Skate, Charlie Brown|She's a Good Skate, Charlie Brown]]''''' (1980) is the 19th prime-time animated television special based on the comic strip Peanuts by [[w:Charles M. Schulz|Charles M. Schulz]] and a spin off around Peppermint Patty and Marcie. It originally aired on the CBS network on February 25, 1980, making it the first Peanuts TV special of the 1980s. ABC had the rights to air this special, which it pairs with ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown!]]''. ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Peppermint Patty''': Well, coach, what do you think? :'''Snoopy''': Bleah! :'''Peppermint Patty''': There's no one harder to please than a skating coach. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peppermint Patty tries on her skating dress, which turns out to be a long skirt]'' :'''Marcie''': Maybe it'll look better after I get the sequins sewed on, sir. :'''Peppermint Patty''': ''[furiously]'' Marcie! This is the worst skating dress I've ever seen! It doesn't even have any sleeves in it! How can I skate in a dress like this? I'll be the laughing stock of the whole competition! :'''Marcie''': If you will recall, sir, I told you I didn't know how to sew. :'''Peppermint Patty''': ''[sadly]'' I think I'm going to cry. I can feel the tears forming in my stomach. ==Charlie Brown== * She's doomed! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Patricia Patts|Patricia Patts]] - [[w:Peppermint Patty|Peppermint Patty]] * Casey Carlson - [[w:Marcie|Marcie]] * [[w:Bill Melendez|Bill Melendez]] - [[w:Snoopy|Snoopy]] * Arrin Skelley - [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] (one line only), rude ice hockey player captain * Debbie Muller - Teacher, shopkeeper * [[w:Scott Beach|Scott Beach]] - Announcer * Daniel Anderson - [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]] * Laura Planting - [[w:Lucy van Pelt|Lucy van Pelt]] * Jason Victor Serinus - [[w:Woodstock (Peanuts)|Woodstock]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=0174200|title=She's a Good Skate, Charlie Brown}} [[Category:1980 animated films]] [[Category:American animated short films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated short films]] [[Category:CBS shows]] [[Category:Peanuts TV specials]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] [[Category:ABC shows]] mge2sf0xaf32dbyz7apduba8485q300 0 271031 3955046 3878144 2026-06-21T12:01:31Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 /* Episode 2: How to Found a Pound */ 3955046 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Pound Puppies (1986 TV series)|Pound Puppies]]''''' is an animated series that premiered on ABC in the United States from September 13, 1986 until December 19 1987. == Episode 1: Bright Eyes, Come Home == ''(The episode begins with tough alley cats trying to catch Bright Eyes, so they jump but they are hit in the manhole lid by Cooler)'' :'''Cooler''': Excuse me? Is this the meeting of alley cat’s anonymous? :'''Bright Eyes''': Cooler! :'''Cooler''': Oh, and I see you started the festivities without me. Rats! I miss all the fun! ''(giggles)'' ''(But the alley cats are getting up and about to catch them)'' :'''Cooler''': Oh, oh, really? Bright Eyes and I would just love to stay in party with you, kitties, except the… Hey! We’re allergic to catnip! ''(giggles)'' Ciao for now! But let’s do lunch real soon, gang! ''(The alley cats jump as Cooler grabs Bright Eyes into the manhole before they stand on it)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Aww, thanks, Cooler. You saved my life. :'''Cooler''': ''(laughs)'' Anytime, Bright Eyes! Anytime! But just tell me one thing. Where have you been?! We’ve been looking everywhere for you! :'''Bright Eyes''': I’m sorry, Cooler. I’ve just been out wandering around, hoping to find myself a home. I sure wish somebody would adopt me. :'''Cooler''': And as fearless leader of the Pound Puppies. It’s my swarm duty to help this pup get adopted into a hap-hap-happy home! :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(giggles)'' Cooler, you’re a coup! :'''Cooler''': And so the heroic crook carries the fair damsel dog in distress back to the puppy pound, where a big surprise is awaiting her! She may find a new home yet because deli people from all over are coming to the pound to adopt… Pound Puppies! ---- :'''Katrina''': Good evening, Holly dear. How did adoption day go? :'''Holly''': Very well, Auntie Katrina. :'''Brattina''': Did you make enough money to pay your electric bill, ha, did ya? Ha, ha. Did ya? :'''Holly''': As a matter of fact, Brattina, we made more than enough. Take a look for yourself… ''(She notices that the money is gone)'' What? The money! It’s gone! ''(Pound Puppies gasp)'' :'''Holly''': ''(Off-screen)'' It’s not here! The money’s gone! :'''Katrina''': Oh, that’s too, too bad, Holly. Now what are you going to do? :'''Holly''': I-I don’t know. :'''Katrina''': Well, you better think of something, dear. Because if that bill isn’t paid in one week, I’m afraid you’ll lose the pound…to me! ---- ''(Sammy Quentin is reading the newspaper while Bright Eyes is relaxing in her bikini and looking at the magazine)'' :'''Cooler''': Psst. Hey, Bright Eyes, how about an autograph? :'''Bright Eyes''': Cooler! Nose Marie! :'''Nose Marie''': Shh! We don’t want to disturb the great Hollywood director. :'''Cooler''': Yeah. So tell us, kid. What’s it like being a famous actress? :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh, it’s so boring! All I do is sit around all day waiting for my next scene to be shot. :'''Nose Marie''': Well, your last performance got rave reviews, darling. It was in just all the papers. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(reading)'' “Dog steals fortunes and gems.” Oh. Oh, no! Oh, what have I done? :'''Cooler''': Upsetting, isn’t it? :'''Bright Eyes''': I’ll say. This picture could ruin my career. Well, that settles it. I’m retiring from show business. :'''Cooler''': Eh, not quite yet, Bright Eyes. To clear your name, you have to give a final farewell performance. :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh. Very well. I suppose I owe it to my public. :'''Cooler''': Uh, yeah. So, here’s what I want you to do, ''(whispering in her ear)''. :'''Bright Eyes''': I like it. I like it! ''(giggles)'' :'''Sammy Quentin''': What? “Katrina Stoneheart buys world’s largest ruby?” I don’t believe it! My old friend Katrina! ''(laughing)'' This should be like taking candy from a baby! ''(laughing again)'' Oh, Bright Eyes, I’ve just found your next starring role! In fact, we’ll start filming tonight. :'''Bright Eyes''': I wouldn’t miss it for the world. == Episode 2: How to Found a Pound == ''(At the HQ, they can hear the sound of barking)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': What is it, Howler? :'''Howler''': It’s Cooler! He picked up the lost pup. We’ve got an emergency on our paws. ''(howls)'' Let’s go. ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': And this is where you’ll stay until some nice person comes to adopt you. :'''Shaky''': ''(gasps)'' Person? Uh-uh. No way, Jose. I’m not going near any one of those people things. ''(Holly and Cooler come to see Shaky)'' :'''Holly''': Uh, is he okay? :'''Shaky''': ''(whimpers)'' :'''Holly''': Uh, don’t be afraid. I’m not gonna hurt you. ''(Shaky whimpers again)'' :'''Cooler''': Shaky, hey, hey! Mellow out, kid! It’s just Holly. What’s your beef? :'''Shaky''': It-It’s those bad humans. You can’t trust them. :'''Holly''': Yeah, I know what you mean. We don’t trust the bad ones, either. :'''Shaky''': You-You-You don’t? :'''Cooler''': Of course not! But not every human is bad. So listen up and dig this dog tale about one of the good ones. ---- ''(Millicent is busy washing the dishes)'' :'''Cooler''': Millie, what do you think you’re doing? :'''Millicent''': I’m washing the dishes. Why? :'''Cooler''': You’ve got to stop working so hard, sweetheart. You look tired. :'''Millicent''': I do? :'''Cooler''': Absolutamente! What you need is a maid. ''(He helps Howler as a maid come in)'' :'''Howler''': Thanks for not embarrassing me. :'''Millicent''': ''(chuckles)'' Merciful heavens! He’s just the funniest thing I’ve ever seen! :'''Cooler''': Then he can stay on as your mate? :'''Millicent''': Oh, ho! Anything! ''(chuckles)'' Anything! :'''Cooler''': Good! ''(He opens the door with more dogs dancing)'' :'''Cooler''': Now, how about the butler, the gardener and the chauffeur? ---- :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' In a few shakes of a dog’s tail, Millie’s house became the haven for homeless canines. But while this party was the coolest, there was a certain party down the street. Her name strikes fear into sane dogs everywhere, Katrina Stoneheart, along with her poor excuse for a pet, Catgut, ''(Catgut meows)'' and her nyah-nyah daughter, Brattina. ''(They can hear dogs barking outside)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, those awful dogs are barking again! Make them stop, Mommy Dearest! Make them stop! :'''Katrina''': I CAN’T STAND IT! Oh -ho-ho-ho! Oh! ''(tearing a paper)'' Oh, I hate the sound of dogs. I hate the smell of dogs. I hate the eyes, ears, noses and even the tails of dogs. :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' We hate the doggies! We hate the doggies! :'''Katrina''': I’ll figure out a way to make great-great aunt Millie get rid of these dogs, or I’ll just scream! ''(poking Brattina’s nose)'' Now, Brattina, go do your chores! :'''Brattina''': But, Mommy Dearest! That’s why we let Holly live here. :'''Katrina''': So, it is. So, it is. Holly! :'''Holly''': Good afternoon, Auntie Katrina. Good afternoon, Brattina. :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Blah! Blah! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': I’m going down to Millie Trueblood’s house. Your chores better be down when I get back. :'''Holly''': Yes, ma’am! ''(She leaves)'' :'''Katrina''': Holly is so cute. I hate cute! I put cute in the blender. ---- ''(Someone is knocking at the door)'' :'''Millicent''': Now who could that be? ''(gasps)'' Why hello, Katrina. :'''Katrina''': Don’t give me any of that sweet stuff, great Aunt Millicent! This is the showdown! ''(Dogs wake up and bark at her)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Millicent''': What’s this? :'''Katrina''': Oh, just something from the Board of Health. Forcing you to get rid of these mangy mutts once and for all! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' So that rotten Katrina Stoneheart was gonna force us pups out into the street and there was nothing Millie could do about it. :'''Howler''': ''(howling nervously)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' As it turned out, Millie couldn’t hang on much longer. :'''Millicent''': Cooler, I love you all very much, but the time has come for me to go. :'''Cooler''': ''(sadly)'' Oh. Hey, quit clowning, Millie. What’ll we do without you? :'''Millicent''': Don’t worry, my dears. With puppy power, I’ll always be with you. If not in my bedside memories. ---- ''(Pound Puppies feel very sad when Millie has passed away)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' And so, at the age of 101 years old, Millie Trueblood went on to her great reward. She was truly a dog’s best friend. :'''Howler''': ''(sadly howling)'' ---- ''(At the Puppy Pound, Pound Puppies and Holly are so depressed that they have lost a good friend)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' Holly took care of us for the next few days, but we were all in the dumps, ooh, especially Howler. :'''Howler''': I’m so depressed. :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' Then all of a sudden, things went from bad to pit city. ''(But Katrina Stoneheart, along with Brattina and Catgut, come to Millie’s Puppy Pound)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' Well, Holly, it looks like all your cute little puppy friends will have to find a new place to live. :'''Holly''': What do you mean, Auntie Katrina? :'''Katrina''': It’s perfectly simple, my dear. My aunt Millie didn’t leave a will. So, her estate, the house and this flea trap will automatically go to her next of kin namely me. ''(They all gasp)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' We’re gonna be rich! We’re gonna be rich! :'''Holly''': But why can’t the puppies stay here? :'''Katrina''': Because I am going to tear down this dump and put up condos! ''(laughs evilly)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': At 10am tomorrow, it’s mine, all mine! That’s when the judge will hand me the deed to Millie’s estate. :'''Brattina''': Then it’s goodbye, puppy pound! ''(Catgut destroys the model puppy pound)'' :'''Katrina''': And hello, Stoneheart condominiums! ''(They laugh evilly)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': Okay, team, we’ve got just one chance to save the pound from the clutches of our rival… ''(flipping round the board)'' Katrina Stoneheart! :'''All''': Ooh! :'''Cooler''': We have to score the big touchdown and find Millie’s will! Pound Puppies, let’s get pounding! :'''All''': Hooray! :'''Bright Eyes''': 2, 4, 6, 8! Who do we depreciate? :'''Howler, Nose Marie and Whopper''': Cooler! Cooler! Hooray! :'''Cooler''': I love a team that respects its coach. ''(laughs)'' ---- ''(The rooster crows off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Alas and the lack! We’ll never find that little old will. :'''Howler''': We’ve looked everywhere! :'''Whopper''': ''(popping out Howler’s hat)'' And we mean everywhere. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(exhausted)'' 2, 4, 6, 8! Can’t find the will! It’s getting late! :'''Cooler''': Don’t give up now, team. It’s always darkest before the dawn. :'''Nose Marie''': But, Cooley honey, it’s past dawn. The rooster has already crowed his last cock-a-doodle-doo. :'''Cooler''': This is no time for chickening out, Nose Marie. We still have till 10am. ---- :'''Katrina''': So, you honor, being Millicent Trueblood’s only living relative, I’ve come to demand the deed to her estate. :'''Brattina''': And close down that icky-poo dog pound, right, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': Yes, Brattina, dear. It’s a dream come true. :'''Attorney''': Well, then. Let’s proceed with the formalities of reading the deed. “To it. Here in stated the wherewithal of the party of the first part being under the conditions and terms of the party of the second part, and the party of the third part not… :'''Katrina''': ''(sighs)'' This could take forever. :'''Attorney''': …does the party of the first part.” ---- :'''Cooler''': So, Shaky, there may be a few rotten apples in this cooky place we call a world. But if you just keep your peepers aglow, you’ll find the good ones. :'''Shaky''': That was a keen story, Cooler. And look, I’m not afraid of people anymore! :'''Holly''': And we’re gonna find your home with people who will love you. :'''Nose Marie''': Speaking of love, Cooler honey bunny. Sugar plum, there’s still a full moon out. ''(She is about to kiss Cooler but he dodges and she actually kisses Howler)'' :'''Howler''': Did you just… uh, no, nose, on my lips? A whole face? You… You put on… ''(howls)'' I never knew you cared. ''(Then he falls and lies down)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(to Cooler)'' I do believe my sugar lips have missed their intended destination. :'''Cooler''': ''(chuckles)'' ''(Then Nose Marie kisses him and then he also falls and lies down)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Bullseye! ''(laughs)'' == Episode 3: From Wags to Riches == :'''Brattina''': Who’s coming, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': Mmm. Investors, Brattina. Investors in this scheme that will get rid of those Pound Puppies once and for all. ''(Suddenly, they hear the car pulling over)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh. My investors are here. ''(The car driver lets the Belveshires out of the car)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(happily)'' Lord and Lady Belveshire, the third richest couple in the country. And I intend to take them for an absolute fortune. ---- :'''Holly''': So that’s her plan! She’s gonna close us down and put up condos. :'''Cooler''': Not if we can help it. Come on, Buster. Your tornado act might come in handy. :'''Buster''': Certainly! ---- ''(Holly and the Pound Puppies are going inside the Belveshires’ mansion)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(using the binoculars)'' All the puppies are inside, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': Now’s your chance, Catgut. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': I want you and your friends to sneak into that house and shred everything inside. ''(Catgut whistles to his friends who come to see him and stop)'' :'''Katrina''': But don’t let anyone see you. I want those flea-bitten puppies to take them blame. ''(Catgut and his friends sneak up to their mansion)'' :'''Katrina''': Good luck! And have a ripping good time! ''(laughs evilly)'' == Episode 4: Snowbound Pound == :'''Whopper''': We made it! Doc Weston’s office! :'''Cooler''': Thanks, Mac. Keep the change! :'''Cab Driver''': I hate getting paid with rawhide doggie chews. ---- :'''Mr. Nabbit''': Oh now, actually, according to the manual here, the pipe goes into lug nut D. :'''Katrina''': I’ll fix your lug nuts if you don’t get me out of here! :'''Mr. Nabbit''': I’m gonna follow the instructions, Miss Stoneheart. :'''Katrina''': Brattina! Get me a can opener! == Episode 5: The Fairy Dogmother == :'''Catgut''': ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Catgut puts the dog head suit over his head and runs off and pushes the trash cans over)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(barks like a dog)'' :'''Cat Thug #1''': Hey! It’s that sloppy mutt who’s been disturbing the peace! :'''Cat Thug #2''': Let’s teach him some manners! ''(Cat Thugs chase Catgut disguising as a dog)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Catgut runs off but Zazu puts a spell on him)'' :'''Zazu''': Kitty-cat, you’re out of luck! The zipper on your suit is stuck! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Cat Thugs come to a stop and are about to attack him)'' :'''Cat Thug #2''': Okay, buddy. We’re gonna put an end to your one-dog Wrecking Crew! ''(Cat Thugs attack Catgut in disguise and he runs off then Cat Thugs go after him)'' :'''Cooler''': Looks like Catgut’s really gone to the dogs. ---- ''(Brattina sees Holly dancing with Mervin)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, look! Holly’s here and she’s dancing with my Mervin! :'''Katrina''': How did she get here? Well, I’ll put a stop to this. == Episode 6: Whopper Cries Uncle == ''(Holly and Pound Puppies are sitting outside of the pound)'' :'''Holly''': But no food and no money, I’ll have to close down the pound. :'''Bright Eyes''': Don’t worry, everybody. We’ll get by without money or food. We can live on love! :'''Nose Marie''': ''(chuckles)'' How’s that sound to you, Cooler honey? :'''Cooler''': I’d rather have some loose change in a baloney sandwich, thank you very much. ''(Katrina drives and stops on a muddy puddle splashing on them)'' :'''Brattina''': Bye, Holly! We’re going to the dog hater’s convention! Yah! :'''Katrina''': And we won’t be back until late tonight. :'''Brattina''': So try to hose yourself up before we get back. :'''Katrina''': Aren’t we the mean ones though! ''(Katrina and Brattina laugh evilly)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(scoffs)'' If abate’s so terribly ladylike, I’d give Katrina’s ankle bone a severe nibbing. ''(Suddenly, they hear Uncle J.R. howling somewhere)'' :'''Cooler''': Sounds like a hologram. :'''Howler''': It’s for Whopper. Dear Nephew, stop. I’m stopping by puppy pound today for brief. Stop, stop. Your Uncle J.R. Whopper. Stop. Stop, stop. == Episode 7: In Pups We Trust == :'''Cooler''': All right, pups! It’s time for operation find Howler! Nose Marie, Bright Eyes, Whopper, hit the streets! :'''All''': Righto! :'''Cooler''': Sherlock, you and the other pups help Holly with the repairs. :'''Sherlock Bones''': A-yup, a-yup, a-yup! :'''Cooler''': Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! :'''All''': Hooray! == Episode 8: The Captain and the Cats == ''(Cooler and Nose Marie are about to rescue them, but the Mouseketeers stop and turn to them)'' :'''Mouseketeer #1''': Egad! Small dogs! :'''Mouseketeer #2''': Go away! Shoo! Scat! :'''Cooler''': What do you mean? We’re trying to save you, cookie cats. This truck’s on a one-way trip to Palookaville. :'''Mouseketeer #3''': Mind your own business, governor. We’re-We’re on a vital mission. ''(Cooler and Mouseketeer #3 let go)'' :'''Mouseketeer #1''': Yes, indeed. The next time you start to rescue someone, why don’t you ask permission first? :'''Cooler''': Oh, boy. You cats were confused, but these dudes are out to lunch. == Episode 9: Secret Agent Pup == :'''Katrina''': Ah! Oh, a day on the beach has worked wonders for me, girls. :'''Holly''': You do seem more relaxed, Auntie Katrina. :'''Katrina''': Oh, I am, Holly. I feel like all my Pap-puppy troubles are behind me. ''(Suddenly, she can hear cars revving up and coming in)'' :'''Katrina''': Puppies! Puppies! Lots and lots of puppies! :'''Brattina''': Icky, icky, icky-poo! :'''Holly''': Cooler? :'''Cooler''': We’ll explain later, Holly! Ciao for now! :'''Katrina''': Puppies! Puppies! ''(howls)'' == Episode 10: Wagga-Wagga == :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' The captain’s found the booklet! The captain’s found the booklet! Jumpy-joy! Boy, oh boy! The captain’s found the booklet! :'''Captain Slaughter''': ''(speaking in foreign language)'' :'''Katrina''': Dog fur coats! Here we come! The Puppy Pelter is ready for blast-off! Brattina! How do we start this thing? :'''Brattina''': Uh, it’s hard to tell, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': ''(Off-screen)'' What do you mean? :'''Brattina''': ''(She shows Katrina)'' The instruction booklet’s written in Chinese. :'''Katrina''': NO! It can’t be! Not Chinese! No! No, no! Why did I ever study French?! I CAN’T STAND IT! == Episode 11: The Star Pup == :'''Byron''': And now what makes you think you have to stop up? :'''Whopper''': I know all about stars and pups. ''(imagining the ball is in high falling)'' In fact, we may have some more of pups used to live on a star. Yeah boy, it was in high. A mill… zill… A kabillion degrees. ''(imagining he and pups look at the temperature going up higher then pops, drinking water and flies the spaceship)'' But we stay cool by drinking lots of water and keeping the flying saucer’s windows rolled down. Yeah! :'''Byron''': You know, I wish this kid had some Rye Bread. I hate for all that baloney to go to waste. Well, the star pup must be honest and true, and that eliminates you. ''(Whopper falls through the trap door)'' == Episode 12: Happy Howlidays == ''(Holly is putting little kennels with pups on the back of the sleigh)'' :'''Holly''': The sleigh’s all loaded up. :'''Cooler''': Then let’s hitch up our reindeer and hit the road! Hey, Rudolph, front and center! :'''Howler''': Rudolph, Shmoo-Dolph! How do we get talked into these things? :'''All''': Hooray! ''(They all set off)'' :'''Cooler''': By the way, Holly, where’d you find all these great presents to hand out? :'''Holly''': I bought ‘em. :'''Cooler''': With what? Money. May I be so bold as to ask, perchance? :'''Holly''': With the pound’s money! :'''Nose Marie''': The pound’s money? You mean we had money left over after paying the bills? :'''Holly''': What bills? We haven’t gotten any bills since July. Isn’t that wonderful? :'''Nose Marie''': Wonderful? I’d say it’s downright fishy. :'''Cooler''': ''(sniffs)'' And it has the distinct aroma of Katrina Stoneheart. ---- :'''Holly''': Closed? But how can you close the pound? :'''Chief Williams''': I’m sorry to do this on Christmas Eve, Holly, but the pound is so behind in its bills. Well, I just had to close it down. I’m very sorry. ''(Dog whines)'' :'''Holly''': What bills is he talking about? We didn’t get any bills. :'''Katrina''': Oh, Holly! :'''Cooler''': This may be your answer coming down the street. :'''Katrina''': I have a Christmas present for you. Five months of overdue bills! You can possibly pay them! ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Brattina drops all the letters over Holly)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Yah-yah! Read ‘em and weep! :'''Holly''': I can’t believe this! :'''Katrina''': Well, it’s true. Now come home, young lady. You’re going straight to bed. :'''Holly''': No! I wanna stay with the puppies! ''(Katrina drags Holly)'' :'''Katrina''': Too bad! You’re coming home this instant! :'''Holly''': No, you can’t do this! Please, Auntie Katrina! Please! ''(Katrina laughs evilly)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howling sadly)'' ---- ''(Off-screen)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(sobs)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina! What is wrong with you? :'''Brattina''': I didn’t get anything for Christmas. It’s not fair! ''(crying)'' :'''Katrina''': What do you mean, my little jalapeno? All these presents are for you. :'''Brattina''': But it’s not enough, Mommy Dearest! I didn’t get my bitter piranha bathtub toy, or my Suzy Spit-up Doll, or my… :'''Katrina''': Oh, Brattina, stop whining! You should be grateful, you’re not one of those wretched Pound Puppies freezing out in the cold! Just look at them! They don’t even have a home for Christmas and they’re not crying! ''(They see the neighborhood outside)'' :'''Brattina''': Boy! I’ll say they’re not crying. They look happy, Mommy Dearest! :'''Katrina''': What? What are those people doing out there? Why aren’t they home opening their gifts? Don’t they know it’s Christmas? ---- :'''Holly''': Oh, puppies! It looks like Santa’s been here, and these love presents for everyone! A million, a billion… A kazillion presents! Yeah! :'''Whopper''': Oh, boy! ''(Pound Puppies but Cooler go into the pound)'' :'''Grey Cat''': ''(meows)'' :'''Cooler''': Psst. Kitty, want some warm milk? :'''Grey Cat''': ''(meows)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(to the audience)'' Well, you can’t expect every episode to end with a joke. Happy Holidays, kids! ''(Cooler goes back into the pound)'' == Episode 13: Ghost Hounders == :'''Whopper''': Oh, what a guy! ''(After his imagination)'' :'''Whopper''': And that’s the story of how we were all rescued by Wonder Whopper and Biff Barker the world’s greatest ghost hounder. :'''Nose Marie''': Whopper, where do you dream up all this nonsense about Biff Barker? :'''Whopper''': But there’s not nonsense! He’s a star of the ghost hounder’s TV show. ''(He goes back to his house)'' :'''Whopper''': And I’m an official member… No. The treasure… Oh. The president of the Biff Barker fan club. Yeah. ''(pushing the lever down and all his things come out)'' Biff Barker’s an honest-to-goodness real ghost hounder and my hero! :'''Cooler''': Hmm. I wonder if Biff Barker ever ran into the ghost of the Terrible Terrier! :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(chuckles)'' Ghost of the Terrible Terrier? :'''Holly''': Yes! The ghost of the Terrible Terrier! Late at night, you can hear a moan. :'''Cooler''': A ghoulish, gruesome, ghastly groan. He calls “I’ll get you! I’ll get you! I’ll get you!” ''(They shiver as they think they can get them)'' :'''Cooler''': Boo! ''(The other Pound Puppies are scared and running off)'' ''(Cooler and Holly laugh)'' :'''Holly''': We got him good with that one, Cooler! ''(But the ghost of the Terrible Terrier laughs behind them)'' :'''Holly''': We’ve already scared them enough, Cooler. Don’t overdo it. :'''Cooler''': That wasn’t me. ''(The Terrible Terrier roars at them)'' :'''Holly''': It’s the Terrible Terrier! :'''Cooler''': Well, it ain’t rimp tin tin! ''(The Terrible Terrier roars at them)'' :'''The Terrible Terrier''': Pound Puppies! Be gone from here by midnight tomorrow, or else! :'''Whopper''': Or else what, doggy breath? ''(The Terrible Terrier spits the dirt out to them and leaves)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(to Whopper)'' You had to ask. ---- :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Holly believes in ghosts! Holly believes in ghosts! Only fools believe in ghouls! Holly believes in ghosts! :'''Katrina''': Oh, Holly. Of all the silly willy stories. :'''Holly''': But it’s true, Auntie Katrina! It was a real ghost and he warned us to leave the pound by midnight tonight! :'''Katrina''': Now, now, Holly. You probably just had a nightmare. We all know there are no such things as ghosts. Oh! Well, ta-ta, girls. I’m off. ''(She opens the door but here comes the Terrible Terrier)'' :'''The Terrible Terrier''': ''(roars)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(screaming)'' :'''Brattina''': Yuck! Ugh, yuck! :'''The Terrible Terrier''': I warn you! Be gone by midnight, or else! ''(He runs up the chimney)'' :'''Brattina''': It’s gone, Mommy Dearest. The disgusting icky-poo ghost is gone. :'''Katrina''': And so are we! We’re moving out of this house by tonight. :'''Holly''': Move? But what about my Puppies? :'''Brattina''': Who cares about your icky-poo puppies? :'''Katrina''': Now, now, Brattina, Holly cares very much for those, those hideous mongrels. Oh, well, I suppose we could all move, Holly. The puppies too. :'''Holly''': You mean it, Auntie Katrina? The puppies can come with us? :'''Katrina''': Yes, dear, if that’s what you want. :'''Holly''': Gosh! Thanks, Auntie Katrina! This is wonderful! :'''Katrina''': You don’t know the half of it, girlie. ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(They laugh evilly)'' ---- :'''Nose Marie''': So, that’s where Katrina was packing us off to. Why, that woman’s nothing more than a… ''(A “CENSORED” sign appears followed by a cuckoo clock sound)'' :'''Nose Marie''': That’s what she is! :'''Cooler''': Ooh, please! Nose Marie, try to clean up your language! :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, well, pardon my little ol’ peaches. == Episode 14: Whopper Gets the Point == ''(Dr. Simon pulls the handle of the bell and then the cat bell rings)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, Dr. Simon. Please do come in and give the puppies their painful shots. :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Give the dogs a shot! Make them cry a lot! Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Lots of painful shots! :'''Dr. Simon''': Actually, the shots aren’t that painful. The dogs will barely feel a thing. :'''Brattina''': Bummer! :'''Katrina''': A total bummer. :'''Dr. Simon''': All right, Holly, I’m ready. Would you please bring me the dogs? All the dogs. :'''Holly''': Sure thing, Dr. Simon. Let’s go, puppies. Shot time. ---- :'''Dr. Simon''': I’m finished, Miss Stoneheart. Here’s my bill. :'''Katrina''': Huh! This is the last time I spend money on shots that don’t hurt. It’s an outrage! :'''Dr. Simon''': Good day, Miss Stoneheart. ''(Katrina looks at the bill Dr. Simon gave her)'' :'''Katrina''': Wait a minute. You build me for 10 shots. There are only 5 dogs in this pound. :'''Dr. Simon''': Nope. They were 10. ''(Pound Puppies take their disguises off)'' :'''Brattina''': It's Cooler and those icky-poo gang. :'''Katrina''': And I just paid for their shots! Stop them! ''(They try to stop them, but Pound Puppies rush off before Katrina, Brattina and Catgut land on the mud)'' :'''Pound Puppies''': Follow us, puparoos! ''(Pound Puppies leave the pound and then the other puppies bark and follow them)'' :'''Brattina''': They escaped, Mommy Dearest! Cooler helped every one of your yucky puppies get away! :'''Katrina''': I hate those dogs! ---- ''(Five puppies are adopted by each of five kids and they bark)'' :'''Whopper''': Five happy puppies and five happy adoptions! :'''Cooler''': Well, when it comes to adoptions, I guess you could call us, Pound Puppies, a bunch of big shots. ''(laughs)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howling)'' == Episode 15: The Bird Dog == ''(Later in the evening, Katrina, Brattina and Catgut are looking for puppies somewhere to catch but they hear dogs barking)'' :'''Brattina''': Hear that, Mommy Dearest? It’s that icky-poo puppy and her yucky bird. :'''Katrina''': I know, but where are they hiding? ''(They hear them barking underground)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Brattina''': Catgut says they’re under the gunky ground. :'''Katrina''': Worms and gophers are underground, you furball. Not dogs and birds. Now quit clowning around. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': Your rebel days are through, Cooler! ---- :'''Cooler''': We were so busy with Cheep-Cheep. We almost forgot to find Schap a home. :'''Nose Marie''': Your new masters are waiting, Schap honey. ''(Schap comes to his masters and licks them)'' :'''Cooler''': Hey, guys. Nice job! And like I always say “May birds and dogs of a feather flock together.” ''(laughs)'' :'''All''': Yay! :'''Bright Eyes''': Cheep, cheep, cheep! :'''Cheep-Cheep''': ''(tweeting in a barking way)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(laughs)'' I couldn’t have said it better myself. ''(laughs)'' == Episode 16: Tail of the Pup == ''(Truck saying “Dog Catcher” arrives at the puppy pound; gate opens then truck enters and stops) (Four new puppies are barking at the back of the truck while Pound Puppies pop out watching them)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(writing down on the clipboard)'' Four more cute little old pups ready for adoption, Cooler. :'''Cooler''': Let’s just hope they’re ready to meet the evil queen of creepiness. Katrina Stoneheart. ''(Katrina, Brattina and Catgut come out with a box on the wheelbarrow)'' ''(As the coast is clear, they all sneak up passing Holly who is watering the plants)'' :'''Holly''': Howdy, guys. :'''All''': Howdy, Holly. :'''Katrina''': Welcome, doggies. Now, let’s get one thing straight right off the bat. You’ll never escape from my pound! NEVER! ''(blowing the pups into the cage)'' ''(Catgut shuts the cage door)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows then laughs in an evil grin)'' :'''Brattina''': And no one can help you, not even Cooler and his icky-poo puppy pals. :'''Bright Eyes''': Golly gee! :'''Whopper''': That’s us! :'''Katrina''': And if Cooler’s pack shows up around here, we’ll be waiting with… the Vacuum Vortex. ''(The box opens revealing the Vacuum Vortex and then Katrina turns it on)'' :'''Four Puppies''': Yipe! ''(The Vacuum Vortex eats the wanted poster and locks it up in the cage)'' :'''Katrina''': Cooler and his mongrel mob will be turned into a canine cage! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Cooler''': Yes, folks! It dices, it slices, and it’s only 1995! ''(laughs)'' ''(However, the Vacuum Vortex sniffs along and he is about to eat them)'' :'''Cooler''': Uh-oh! It’s on to us, crew! Let’s hit the pain! ''(They all slide down to the HQ before it eats the garbage cans)'' :'''Katrina''': Why is that bucket of boats chewing up garbage cans? :'''Brattina''': Maybe it’s hungry. :'''Katrina''': Blasted contraption must need a tune-up. Take it back to the garage, Brattina! :'''Brattina''': Yes, sure, Mommy Dearest. Come on, Vacuum. ---- :'''Holly''': Don’t worry, puppies. You have more friends here than you think. ''(The trapdoor opens sending them down to the HQ)'' :'''Cooler''': Forget about Katrina, pups and puppets. We have some tail wagging good news. So listen up. ''(Their ears point up as they listen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': We’re gonna find each and every one of you. :'''Cooler''': A hap-hap-happy home! :'''Four Puppies''': Yeah! ''(Then they wags their tails except Pal who doesn’t get his tail wagging)'' ''(Whopper notices Pal’s tail with his magnifying glass)'' :'''Whopper''': By Jove, Pal, old chap! What’s wrong with your tail? It should be wagging. :'''Pal''': I don’t know. My tail never wags. :'''Bright Eyes''': It never wags? :'''Nose Marie and Cooler''': It never wags? :'''Pal''': It never wags. And no one wants to adopt the pup whose tail won’t wag. :'''Nose Marie''': ''(picking him up)'' Now don’t you worry your cute little old head, Pal, dear. :'''Cooler''': Because we’re gonna fix your wagger. :'''Whopper''': And for emergencies like this, who do you call? Young Doctor Whopper! ''(He pokes his tail to make it straight)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': What do you make of it, doc? :'''Whopper''': I think it’s a tail. :'''Cooler''': That much we know, but why won’t it wag? :'''Whopper''': Its batteries must be worn out, but I think we’ll have to operate. :'''Pal''': Operate? What for? :'''Whopper''': To install a new tail. :'''Cooler''': ''(chuckles)'' You’re barking up the wrong tree, Whopper. :'''Nose Marie''': Pal doesn’t need a new tail. He needs a reason to wag his own tail. :'''Cooler''': So, let’s give him a reason. Let’s cheer up this pup! :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh, oh! Cheering up is my specialty! :'''Nose Marie''': Then, Bright Eyes, do your stuff! :'''Bright Eyes''': All right! ''(picking Pal up on her head)'' Come on, Pal! Quit your dragging! It’s time to set your tail wagon. Let’s have fun. No more gloom. Welcome to the Rumpus Room. :'''Pal''': Wow, wow! ''(watching the pups having fun)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': This is where we pups gotta wag our tails and have a flash. So let’s blast off! ''(So she slides down holding Pal)'' :'''Bright Eyes and Pal''': Whee! ''(Then land on Merry-go-round and laugh as it goes round quite fast making them fly off and land on cushions)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(laughing as her tail wags)'' :'''Pal''': ''(laughs)'' Oh, cats! It’s still not wagging. Let’s face it. It’ll never wag. :'''Cooler''': Whoa. Don’t give up so fast, my little puparoo. :'''Nose Marie''': We’ve got someone who can put some bounce in your behind. ''(So they go up the pupscalator to the gizmo lab)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': Pal, this is Howler, our expert inventor. :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' Uh, uh, pleased to meet you, Pal, and don’t worry about a thing. I have an invention here that’s guaranteed to defrost your frozen tail. ''(He shows Pal his new invention)'' I call it “the Wag-O-Matic.” :'''Pal''': Gee! Do you think it’ll really work? :'''Howler''': There’s one way to find out. Let’s hook you up and switch it on. ''(switching it on)'' Now, that’s what I call wagging. :'''Cooler''': ''(Off-screen)'' But everything’s wagging except his tail. ---- ''(Pal is still unable to get his tail wagging)'' :'''Howler''': Sorry, Pal. I guess my invention was a bust. :'''Holly''': But Katrina’s invention is back in action. :'''Brattina''': The Vacuum Vortex is all turned up, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': Excellent, Brattina! Now, let’s give it a vile demonstration. Are you ready, Catgut? :'''Catgut''': ''(meows nervously)'' :'''Brattina''': We just set the gunky controls to the cat. :'''Katrina''': And we turn it on. ''(Catgut runs away from the Vacuum Vortex that tries to eat him)'' ''(He climbs up on the tree before he eats it)'' ''(Then he runs and lands on Katrina’s face as he trembles)'' :'''Katrina''': Get out of my face, you coward! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Then the Vacuum Vortex sucks him in pulling Katrina’s wig off and she screams)'' ''(Catgut is now in the cage coming out of the back)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows angrily)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, you look scary. ''(Katrina kisses it)'' :'''Katrina''': But it works, Brattina. It works! Now we can finish our Cooler and his pack of pesky pooches, for good! ''(laughs evilly)'' ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh, no! How are we ever gonna sneak Pal and the other pups out now? :'''Pal''': ''(miserably)'' Don’t worry about me, guys. I’m stuck here forever, remember? No one wants to adopt the pup whose tail won’t wag. :'''Cooler''': You know, Pal, I’ve been thinking. We’ve been trying to get your tail the wag, but we’ve blown it. Because, hey, we can’t make it wag. :'''Holly''': What Cooler is trying to say, Pal, is that the wag has to come from inside of you. :'''Nose Marie''': Straight from your little old heart. :'''Pal''': Straight from my heart? :'''Cooler''': Come on. We’ll show ya in the Hall of Puppy Power. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Pal, deep within every dog’s heart is a gift known as puppy power. ''(She has a wand with a bone at the end of it and presses Pal’s head to show the puppy power with Holly in it)'' :'''Holly''': It’s the magical love shared by puppies and children. :'''Nose Marie''': Us and Holly has puppy power. :'''Holly''': That’s right, Pal. And now we’d like you to meet a special boy. His name is Greg. ''(Puppy Power changes to a special boy named Greg)'' :'''Pal''': Gee! His tail’s not wagging either. ''(Greg waves goodbye to his best friend in the car and leaves him behind being lonely)'' :'''Holly''': That’s right. He’s lonesome because his best friend just moved away to another town. :'''Nose Marie''': Pal, do you think you might be able to cheer Greg up? :'''Pal''': Who? Me? I-I don’t know. But-But I’d sure like to try, could I? :'''All''': Huh? ''(Pal’s tail begins to wag)'' :'''Pal''': I’d really like to help him. I really would. I’d love to cheer up Greg, ''(howling)'' and howl. :'''Holly, Bright Eyes and Whopper''': His tail’s wagging! :'''Nose Marie''': It’s a puppy’s dream come true! Having someone to love. :'''Pal''': It’s the happiest day of my life! :'''Holly''': Come on, Pal. Greg’s waiting to adopt you! :'''Cooler''': Yo, Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! :'''All''': Yay! ''(They all get into the pupscalator)'' ---- ''(The Vacuum Vortex sniffs around as they sneak up quietly)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Be super-duper quiet, Pal. I’ll bet the Vacuum Vortex can hear a pin drop. ''(But the pin on Whopper’s diaper drops causing the Vacuum Vortex to chase them)'' :'''Cooler''': All right, who dropped the pin? :'''Whopper''': Sorry! I guess my diaper drooped. Oh, how embarrassed. :'''Cooler''': Well, undroop it. Let’s get outta here! ''(So Whopper puts his diaper back on)'' ''(The Vacuum Vortex is about the get them; Katrina, Brattina and Catgut come out)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' Oh, at last! The Vacuum Vortex is about to crush Cooler and his cronies! :'''Holly''': Oh, no! ''(Cooler opens the brick wall)'' :'''Cooler''': Shake a leg, crew! In fact, shake all 4 legs! ''(He notices it coming towards him)'' :'''Cooler''': Howdy-up-aroo! ''(He jumps up before it bumps into the wall)'' ''(Cooler lands on it)'' :'''Cooler''': Yee-haw! Ride ‘em, cowdog! :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, it’s that yucky icky-poo, Cooler. :'''Katrina''': Get him, you reckless hunk of junk! Suck him off! :'''Cooler''': Hmm. This pony ride needs a minor adjustment. R-A-T spells rat, which stands for Katrina! ''(The Vacuum Vortex is about to get them)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh! Oh, no! It’s gone berserk! Oh! Oh! Run for it! :'''All''': Whoa! ''(They try to run away from it but it sucks them in locking them up in each cage)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! Icky-yucky, stinky smelly cages! :'''Catgut''': ''(hisses)'' :'''Katrina''': Someday, I’ll get you for this, Cooler. Someday! :'''Cooler''': And someday, Katrina may find the key to unlock a cage, but not someday soon! ''(laughs)'' :'''Holly''': ''(laughs)'' ---- ''(Pal is adopted with Greg at his home)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(cries)'' I’m so happy for little old Pal. :'''Cooler''': Hey. Pull yourself together, Nose Marie. :'''Nose Marie''': I can’t help it. I always cry at adoptions. ''(She cries and blows her nose)'' :'''Pal''': ''(barks)'' :'''Greg''': Now, neither of us will ever be lonely again, Pal. ''(Greg and Pal hug together with love)'' :'''Cooler''': And that’s what I call a tail with a happy ending. ''(laughs and wags his tail)'' == Episode 17: King Whopper == ''(They reach the signpost that says “Grove Avenue” on the left and “Cherry” on the right)'' :'''Cooler''': Hey, check it out. That’s the correctamundo street: Grove Avenue. :'''Nose Marie''': It won’t be long now, Bessie honey. :'''Cooler''': Okay, let’s move out! ''(Meanwhile, Katrina, Brattina are still on the Compactor Tractor catching them up)'' :'''Katrina''': Aha! There they are! Cooler and his mutt friend all get ahead. Full travel forward! :'''Brattina''': Aye-aye, Mommy Dearest! :'''Katrina''': No, Brattina! Watch where you’re going! ''(Compactor Tractor eats three vehicles)'' :'''Katrina''': You crud! Where did you get your driving license? :'''Brattina''': I’m only 11 years old, Mommy Dearest. I don’t have a license. In fact, I don’t even know how to drive. That’s all. ---- ''(Back at the HQ)'' :'''Whopper''': Bright Eyes, peel me a grape. :'''Bright Eyes''': Sorry. My hands are full. :'''Whopper''': Oh! I just wonder if this statue of me is going to be big enough. :'''Bright Eyes''': It’s so big. They’ll never find a place for all the stone chips. :'''Whopper''': Bright Eyes, never bother a king with tiny details! == Episode 18: Tuffy Gets Fluffy == :'''Holly''': The gang should be just about finished giving Tuffy a bath. ''(Holly opens the door but the water comes in and Whopper and Tuffy are surfing on the door)'' :'''Tuffy and Whopper''': Dive-gang, baby! ''(Pound Puppies are in the tub rowing)'' :'''Howler''': ''(using the megaphone)'' Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! ---- :'''Howler''': Now we know why your name is Tuffy. :'''Whopper''': Tuffy, I’m sorry for what I said “You’re pretty neat for a cat.” :'''Tuffy''': Thanks, Whopper. Hey, you’re pretty neat too for a dog. :'''Whopper''': And-And I want you to have this for keeps. ''(Whopper puts a cap on Tuffy’s head)'' :'''Tuffy''': Neato! :'''Holly''': How about if we make Tuffy an honorary Pound Puppy. :'''Cooler''': All those in favor? ''(They all cheer)'' :'''Cooler''': Congrats you, cool cat. :'''Nose Marie''': There’s just one more little old thing Tuffy needs. :'''All''': ''(Off-Screen)'' What’s that? :'''Nose Marie''': A bath. :'''Tuffy''': Oh, no! Not again! ''(They give Tuffy a bath)'' == Episode 19: Casey, Come Home == ''(Katrina stops the Pound Puppy Puppy Pounder)'' ''(Catgut blows the trumpet)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, can it, Catgut! :'''Brattina''': We’ve lost them! We’ve got Cooler and the stinky-poo doggies! :'''Katrina''': Stop whining, Brattina! ''(picking up a satellite)'' I’ll find them with my Canine Computer. Aha! ''(They can see how creepy the woods is)'' :'''Brattina''': That way! Eww! It looks creepy and icky! :'''Katrina''': Yes. I love creepy and icky. ''(They drive off to the creepy woods)'' ---- ''(Katrina, Brattina and Catgut are up in the tree that night)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(cries)'' :'''Katrina''': Knock it off, Brattina! You’re as bad as they are. ''(The wolves howl in return)'' == Episode 20: Where Do Puppies Come From? == ''(Truck saying “Dog Catcher” arrives at the puppy pound with 2 new dogs inside)'' ''(Dogs named Lucy and Rusty whine as Holly comes to open it)'' :'''Holly''': Don’t cry, puppies. No one’s going to hurt you. :'''Katrina''': Holly! Get away from those filthy beasts! :'''Holly''': But, Auntie Katrina, they’re so frightened! :'''Katrina''': Frightened? They should be terrified! ''(laughs evilly)'' Because my pound is now equipped with… ''(Copter-Catcher appears up above)'' …the Copter-Catcher! No dog will ever escape again! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' What d’you say, Catgut? Let’s give ‘em a little demonstration. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows and laughs evilly)'' ''(She is about to capture those dogs but they run away from it and get into the cage as the door slides shut)'' ''(She captures Katrina and takes her over the muddy puddle)'' :'''Katrina''': Whoa! Brattina, you fool! Put me down! :'''Brattina''': All right, all right. Have a cow, why don’tcha! ''(She drops Katrina in the muddy puddle)'' :'''Katrina''': Whoa! :'''Brattina''': Sorry about that, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': ''(angrily)'' You’ll be more than sorry, young lady! Fly, stay in your room! You’re grounded! :'''Brattina''': But, Mommy Dearest! ''(sobbing)'' ---- ''(In the delivery room, Lucy is comfy in bed)'' :'''Holly''': Comfy, Lucy? :'''Lucy''': Fine, thanks. :'''Nose Marie''': Can we get you anything? Anything at all? :'''Lucy''': Well, I am a little hungry. I have this terrible for a dog food and ice-cream sundae. :'''Holly''': Uck! :'''Nose Marie''': One dog food and ice-cream sundae coming up. :'''Lucy''': With chocolate syrup, limburger cheese, coconut, ketchup, gumdrops, dill pickles, cherries and over all that beef gravy. :'''Nose Marie''': There. I hope you enjoy it! ''(After Nose Marie serves the dog food and ice-cream sundae to Lucy, Lucy eats the whole thing in one bite)'' :'''Holly and Nose Marie''': She was hungry! :'''Lucy''': Delicious! May I have another? This time with some whipped cream on top? :'''Nose Marie''': Sure. There’s some whipped cream in the kitchen. :'''Holly''': I’ll go get it. ''(Holly goes to the kitchen to get some whipped cream)'' ---- ''(Meanwhile, Bright Eyes and Whopper are looking for honey in the kitchen)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Nope. No honey up here. :'''Whopper''': No honey down here either. ''(Holly comes to see what they have done with saucepans and colander)'' :'''Holly''': Oh, no! You guys! Looking for the biscuit box again, huh? :'''Bright Eyes''': Nope. We’re looking for honey. We want to find out how puppies are born. :'''Holly''': What’s honey got to do with puppies? :'''Whopper''': You know, cos of the birds and bees. ''(imitating buzzing noise)'' :'''Holly''': I think you’re both confused. :'''Bright Eyes''': Then unconfuse us, Holly. :'''Whopper''': Yeah, tell us where puppies come from. :'''Holly''': Well, the birds and the bees are myth, just like the stork. :'''Whopper''': What’s a stork? :'''Holly''': A bird. ''(She imagines it is a bird, then it becomes a big bird with a long beak, then it stands on one long leg, and becomes a stork dropping baby bundles down the chimney)'' :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Holly''': A big bird with a long beak. :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Holly''': It stands on one long leg. :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Holly''': And some folks say “Stork drops the baby bundles of joy down the chimney.” :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Lucy''': ''(Off-screen)'' Holly, where’s that whipped cream? :'''Holly''': Coming! ''(getting some whipped cream out of the fridge)'' I’ll explain later, guys. Lucy’s waiting. :'''Whopper''': I just got one question. What’s a myth? :'''Bright Eyes''': I think the girl is a myth and the boy is a mister. ''(They laugh)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': Oh! Look at me! Look at me! :'''Bright Eyes''': There weren’t any puppies in that honey, so let’s not stick around. :'''Whopper''': Yeah. She’s sticking around for everybody. ''(While Bright Eyes and Whopper make their escape, Brattina’s Copter-Catcher accidentally grabs Katrina)'' :'''Katrina''': Whoa! Brattina, you ninny! Not me! Get those dogs! :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' I’m trying, Mommy Dearest! I’m trying! :'''Bright Eyes and Whopper''': ''(yelping)'' ''(Brattina puts Katrina down but she bounces)'' :'''Katrina''': Ouch! Ouch! Brattina, what are you doing?! Pull up! Pull UP! ''(Bright Eyes and Whopper have reached the corner just as the Copter-Catcher has run out of petrol)'' :'''Whopper''': It’s been nice doing you, Bright Eyes! ''(But not before Cooler rescues them in time)'' :'''Cooler''': We may have to put a leash on you two. ---- :'''Nose Marie''': What were you two little dickens doing up there? :'''Bright Eyes''': We wanted to see the puppies arrive. :'''Whopper''': We saw the stork but we couldn’t find any bundles. :'''Bright Eyes''': And the puppies weren’t in the honey. Oh, it’s all kind of confusing! :'''Whopper''': So, tell us again real slow. How are puppies born? :'''Cooler''': We’ll do better than tell you. We’ll show you. :'''Rusty''': Okay, the time has come! She’s having them! ''(They come into the delivery room to see Lucy having puppies)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Hurry up, everyone! ''(Baby puppies bark off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh! Aren’t they beautiful? :'''Cooler''': The cutest little things I’ve ever seen. :'''Bright Eyes''': And it came from the mama’s tummy! Oh, it’s amazing! :'''Whopper''': So that’s how puppies are born! Oh, boy! What won’t they think of next? ''(Baby puppies bark happily with Lucy)'' == Episode 21: Pups on the Loose == ''(One day, everything is quiet outside at the puppy pound; bird tweets)'' ''(Down below at the HQ)'' :'''Lucy''': Well, we’re off to dig up our prized bone collection. :'''Rusty''': After all, we can’t start life at a new home without our old bones. :'''Cooler''': And by the time you get back, we’ll have that hap-hap-happy new home picked out for you. :'''Lucy''': Are you sure you don’t mind taking care of our pups while we’re gone? :'''Nose Marie''': ''(happily)'' Not at all. We can’t wait to puppy-sit the little sugar plums! ''(Suddenly, they can hear crashing)'' :'''Lucy''': You must not know our pups. ''(The pups are fighting as they suck Bright Eyes and Whopper in. Then they also suck Cooler and Nose Marie in before they crash)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(giggles)'' Playful little levels, aren’t they? :'''Rusty''': Okay, you guys! Knock it OFF! ''(They stop fighting)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Hi, dad! :'''Rusty''': What did I tell you pups about playing indoors? :'''Andy''': We were playing! :'''Mandy''': We were fighting! :'''Candy''': Andy took my squeak toy and drooled all over it. :'''Andy''': Did not! Mandy stole my blanket and buried it someplace. :'''Mandy''': No way! Candy tied my tail in a big old knot! :'''Candy''': Nuh-uh, you feather face! :'''Mandy''': Ah-ha! ''(They start to fight again)'' :'''Lucy''': Hold it! HOLD IT! ''(They stop again)'' :'''Lucy''': Your father and I want you to be on your best behaviour while we’re gone. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Okay, mum! ''(Their halos appear above their heads)'' :'''Lucy''': And when we return, we’ll be off to our brand new home. ''(Cooler presses the button on the nose as they walk up the pupscalator)'' :'''Lucy and Rusty''': Bye-bye, kids! :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Bye-bye! :'''Cooler''': I’m gonna go sneak Rusty and Lucy past Katrina. be back in a flasharoo. ''(Cooler leaves as 3 pups look angrily at each other then they fight again)'' ---- ''(Cooler, Rusty and Lucy pop out while Catgut is sleeping on the lid but he is awake)'' :'''Cooler''': Shh! Be very very quiet. ''(giggles)'' We have to make sure Catgut is nowhere to be seen. ''(Catgut falls into another garbage can)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Cooler''': Remember, kids. Always put garbage in its place. ''(laughs)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(So Cooler, Rusty and Lucy sneak up behind this place)'' ''(Katrina is busy fixing the invention. Brattina is eating ice-cream)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' The next time Cooler and his mangy mutts show up around here, ''(laughs again)'' they’ll be outfoxed by the greatest invention since the paid toilet, the Rover-Roper! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Creepy! How’s it work, Mommy Dearest? How’s it work? :'''Katrina''': Just hold on to this stuff doggy toy and see for yourself. The Rover-Roper can hunt down any mutt from 100 yards. Watch. ''(Brattina is running away from the Rover-Roper as it catches her up)'' :'''Brattina''': Oh! Make it stop, Mommy Dearest! Make it stop! :'''Rusty''': We’ll be back in 2 shakes of a pup’s tail, Cooler. :'''Cooler''': We’ll take good care of your puparoos til then. See you soon. ''(He slams the brick door and then turns to the invention)'' :'''Brattina''': Help, Mommy Dearest! Help! ''(Rover-Roper ropes Brattina)'' :'''Brattina''': Icky-poo-ho-ho-ho! :'''Katrina''': With the Rover-Roper, Cooler and his pack are doomed! ''(laughs maniacally)'' What?! :'''Brattina''': Yap dog is licking me! Doggy drool! Doggy germs! :'''Katrina''': Grab him! ''(Cooler eats an ice-cream and swallows it, then he rushes off from Katrina)'' :'''Katrina''': You won’t get away this time, Cooler! :'''Cooler''': Going down! ''(Cooler puts a bag of garbage up in the garbage can and closes the lid and then slides back down)'' :'''Katrina''': I’ve got you! ''(Catgut opens up and realizes Katrina is all over the garbage)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Fried eggs begins to sizzle on Katrina’s head)'' :'''Katrina''': I hate that dog. ''(She looks at Catgut and he begins to fire-breathe at him but he is holding the lid to stop it)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': So, gang, how goes the puppy-sitting biz? :'''Whopper and Bright Eyes''': We quit. ''(Three puppies bark and fight)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': All they do is fight, fight, fight. :'''Whopper''': Yeah, and after they’re done, they fight some more. :'''Nose Marie''': Cooler, before we get these pups adopted, we have to shake them up. :'''Cooler''': ''(referring to three puppies)'' Yeah. Or tie them up. :'''Nose Marie''': If only they could work together on something. ''(having an idea)'' Like a party! We could toss a surprise party for Lucy and Rusty. :'''Whopper''': Why don’t we just toss the pups instead? :'''Nose Marie''': Candy, Mandy and Andy could help plan a party and learn all about teamwork. :'''Cooler''': ''(kissing Nose Marie)'' Nose Marie, you’re a genius. ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': Alright, puppies. Let’s get busy. We have balloons to blow up, create paper to hang and signs to paint. :'''Candy''': I wanna paint signs. :'''Mandy''': No! I wanna do that! :'''Candy''': I said it first! :'''Andy''': Get your paws off those paints! :'''Mandy''': No way! ''(Then they begin to fight again)'' :'''Whopper''': Let me handle this, ma’am. ''(He blows the whistle as the pups stop fighting)'' :'''Whopper''': This is police chief Whopper, ordering you to hand over those paints on the double! ''(But the pups throw the paintbrush at him)'' :'''Whopper''': Oh, that does it! 30 days in the doghouse for you three! ---- ''(Cooler, Nose Marie and Holly come to the door)'' :'''Holly''': I wonder how the decorations are going. :'''Cooler''': Let’s take a look-see. :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, my southern fried goodness! ''(Balloon pops at the wall)'' :'''Cooler''': Goodness had nothing to do with this. ''(Three puppies are still having a fight as they have made a lot of mess)'' :'''Whopper''': These kids have no respect for the law! ---- ''(In the kitchen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Alright, Candy, Mandy and Andy. I want you all to help me whip up a cake for the big party with your mum and dad get back. And when we’re done, I’ll let ya all lick the spoon. :'''Candy''': I’ll get the flour. :'''Mandy''': No! I wanna get it! :'''Andy''': Let me get it! ''(They fight as they rip the bag apart causing the flour to spread out all over)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(coughing)'' No, puppies! We’re supposed to work together. ''(coughing again)'' :'''Mandy''': Come back here with that spoon! :'''Candy''': Yeah! We got to lick it too! :'''Andy''': You’ll never lick this spoon! ''(They run up the pupscalator)'' :'''Candy and Mandy''': Let’s get him! :'''Red Alert Pup''': Red Alert! Pups on the loose! Red Alert! Pups on the loose! :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, no! The puppies went upstairs! :'''Bright Eyes''': Katrina’s sure to catch them! :'''Whopper''': Boy! Will she be sorry? :'''Cooler''': Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(They rush up the pupscalator)'' :'''Andy''': You’ll never lick this spoon! Not in a million years! :'''Candy''': No, but we’re gonna lick you! :'''Katrina''': ''(gasps)'' What’s this? There’s a crummy dog loose in the yard! ''(Katrina turns the Rover-Roper on but she holds on as it rushes off then Brattina follows them. It pulls over)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': ''(gasp)'' :'''Katrina''': It’s round-up time. ''(laughs maniacally)'' ''(Three puppies bark worriedly; Pound Puppies come out and see them in surprise)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(Off-screen)'' Katrina’s about to do in those poor little poochies! :'''Cooler''': Oh, no she won’t! Not after I bow-wower with a little of my patented puppy love. :'''Brattina''': Rope them, Mommy Dearest! Rope them! :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' What?! Doggy drool! ''(But Cooler kisses Katrina and licks her)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Let’s get out of here! :'''Brattina''': I’ll rope that icky-poo Cooler, Mommy Dearest! ''(Rover-Roper is about to rope Cooler but he jumps off Katrina and it actually ropes her)'' :'''Katrina''': Not me, you crazy contraption! Ah! Let me go! :'''Nose Marie''': Quick! Take the pups back downstairs! ''(So the puppies take them back downstairs as Cooler returns back)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(sighs)'' One kiss from Cooler, and any woman goes wild. ''(laughs)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina, don’t just stand there! Untie me! :'''Brattina''': Eww! No way! A yucky puppy kissed you. Double icky-poo! ---- :'''Cooler''': Well, what do you pups have to say for yourselves? :'''Mandy''': I never did get to lick the spoon. :'''Andy''': Did too! :'''Candy''': Nuh-uh! You took it all! ''(They bark and fight again)'' :'''Nose Marie''': This calls for drastic action. :'''Holly''': I’ll bet we can straighten these guys out in the Hall of Puppy Power. :'''Cooler''': Then let’s pop on down there, pronto. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Holly''': Candy, Mandy and Andy, this is where we can help you and your mum and papa find a home. :'''Cooler''': All you need to do is concentrate. :'''Holly''': And a beautiful puppy power vision of your new master will appear. :'''Candy''': I wanna live with a little boy. :'''Mandy''': Not me! I wanna live with a little girl. :'''Andy''': I want a boy. :'''Mandy''': No, a girl. :'''Andy''': No, boy! :'''Mandy''': Girl! :'''Andy''': Boy! Girl! :'''Mandy''': Boy! :'''Andy''': Girl! :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Girl, boy, boy, boy! ''(The puppy power explodes)'' ''(They all gasp)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Uh-oh! What happened? :'''Cooler''': Disaster city! You’ve broken puppy power! :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': We did? :'''Whopper''': Why not? They’ve broken everything else in the place. :'''Mandy''': We’re sorry. :'''Andy''': What about our new home? :'''Cooler''': Well, since you pups don’t get along, it looks like we’ll have to split you up into 3 different homes. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': No! You can’t split us up! :'''Mandy''': Who could we play with? ''(They begin to cry)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Well, maybe there is one little old possibility. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': What? :'''Cooler''': If you knuckle hounds can get together and use a little teamwork, we may be able to fix puppy power and find you a home. :'''Andy''': We’ll do it. :'''Mandy''': We promise to be good and get along. :'''Candy''': And we’ll live with a boy or a girl. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Or both. ''(Lucy and Rusty return back with 2 bags full of bones as puppy power is working back)'' :'''Holly''': Puppy power is working again! ''(Puppy power appears with a farm in it)'' :'''Candy''': Wow. A farm! :'''Andy''': That looks neato! :'''Lucy''': And that’s going to be our new home. ---- ''(The children are having fun while three pups turn up and are adopted with children)'' ''(Their parents are watching the children having fun with their pups each. Pound Puppies are standing on the hill watching)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Well, thanks to a little bit of teamwork. Candy, Mandy and Andy are just jim-dandy. :'''Cooler''': And when it comes to teamwork, we Pound Puppies are our winning team. :'''Pound Puppies''': ''(cheering)'' We are No. 1, hey! We are No. 1, hey! We are No. 1, HEY! == Episode 22: The Invisible Friend == ''(The truck with five new puppies arrives at the puppy pound)'' ''(They bark)'' :'''Katrina''': Quiet, you walking free bark! ''(letting them out of the truck)'' And stop frolicking. I hate frolicking. Now get your tails in those cages! ''(They run away from her and get into the cages and Brattina closes it)'' :'''Katrina''': And I never want to see or hear any one of you dogs again. :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Katrina''': Wha? Runaway pup! Sick him, Brattina! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Come back here, you stinky smelly pup! ''(Buddy bumps into the clothesline and the laundry falls on him, Katrina and Brattina)'' :'''Brattina''': Oh! Oh! :'''Buddy''': Yipe! :'''Katrina''': You’re going to get it for this, dog! Not even Cooler can help you! ''(Cooler and his gang come to the rescue)'' :'''Cooler''': That’s what she thinks! :'''Nose Marie''': Game time, puppy dumplings! ''(releasing the puppies)'' :'''Cooler''': And here’s the kick-off-a-rooney! ''(kicking the football in the air)'' ''(Four puppies bark)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(cheering)'' Pushing back! Pushing back! Way back! :'''Katrina''': What in the…? ''(The football falls down and hits her head)'' :'''Brattina''': Yuck! Help, Mommy Dearest! They’re getting doggy drool all over me! Eww! :'''Whopper''': ''(blowing his whistle)'' Drool, little ferret! ''(Cooler rescues Buddy)'' :'''Cooler''': Relax, fella. Katrina fumbled the ball. We win! ''(Four puppies bark and hides them in the laundry)'' :'''Brattina''': Ahh! :'''Cooler''': Well, this game’s history, team. Let’s hit the showers! ''(They all return back to the HQ)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': Welcome to the ever popular Pound Puppy Mission Control. I’m Cooler the top dog in charge of finding you a hap-hap-happy home. :'''Buddy''': Oh. Uh, hi. I’m Buddy. And that’s Bob. :'''Cooler''': How do… H… Who? Where? :'''Buddy''': Bob, my invisible friend. He made that lady mad up there. :'''Cooler''': Ah, I see! Well, I-I don’t see but, uh… Hey! Give me five, Bob. :'''Buddy''': Ha ha! You’re shaking his tail! Hey! Something smells yummy! ''(sniffs)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(sniffs as well)'' Absotutely! That’s Nose Marie’s cooking! Hey! Let’s check it out! Uh, come on, Bob. :'''Buddy''': No. Bob’s over here with me. :'''Cooler''': Well, I can’t help it. All invisible things look alike to me. ---- ''(In the kitchen, Buddy and his invisible friend Bob meet Nose Marie who is making chocolate chip dog treat)'' :'''Cooler''': Nose Marie, this is Buddy. And, uh, somewhere around here is his invisible friend Bob. :'''Nose Marie''': Invisible? Now there’s something you don’t see every day or any day. :'''Cooler''': Well, I’ll leave the three of you to get to know each other. I’ll be seeing ya except for Bob, that is. ''(Cooler leaves)'' :'''Buddy''': What are these? :'''Nose Marie''': Chocolate chip dog treats and I have just enough batter to make you one. :'''Buddy''': ''(Off-screen)'' Gee! Doesn’t Bob get one too? ''(Nose Marie washes her paws)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Tell you what, darling. I’ll make him an invisible one, okay? ''(It crashes off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, no! :'''Buddy''': Bob was hungry and ate all the biscuits, so I tried to make some more real quick. ''(burps)'' ‘Scuse me. :'''Nose Marie''': Just look at this mess! :'''Buddy''': Yeah. Uh, and if I were you, I’d make Bob clean it up. Bye! :'''Nose Marie''': Buddy! Buddy! His story is like an invisible dog biscuit. Hard to swallow. ---- ''(Meanwhile, Bright Eyes is busy painting the picture)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(singing)'' Hmmm, red, yellow, green and blue. I’m painting a rainbow just for you. :'''Buddy''': Hey! What are you painting? :'''Bright Eyes''': Gosh! It was a rainbow, but now I’ll call it spilled ketchup on a striped tablecloth. :'''Buddy''': Sorry. ''(to Bob)'' Bob, you shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. :'''Bright Eyes''': Gee! Is there really someone there? :'''Buddy''': Sure. He’s just invisible. Hey, maybe you can paint him. :'''Bright Eyes''': How if I can’t even see him? :'''Buddy''': Oh, yeah. Well, then Bob wants to paint you. :'''Bright Eyes''': Me? An artist model? Bow, oh wow. I’ll pose as a ballerina. Okay. Paint me. ''(Bob paints Bright Eyes in colors)'' :'''Buddy''': There, you’re painting. Ha-ha! :'''Bright Eyes''': That’s not the teeny weeniest bits funny. :'''Buddy''': You’re right. What a joke to play on such a nice puppy. Bob says he’s sorry. :'''Bright Eyes''': That makes two of us. ---- :'''Whopper''': Whoo! Space commander Whopper leads that Starfleet through the asteroid belt. Vroom! :'''Buddy''': Hey! Can I play too? :'''Whopper''' Sure! :'''Buddy''': Where’d all the neat stuff come from? :'''Whopper''': Oh, I invented it. Yeah, That’s it! I built this whole place myself. Yeah. ''(Imagining he digs through the tunnel with the drill machine)'' I dug it up. I dug hundred, uh, thou… No, no. A million feet down to the centre of the earth, where I went water-skiing with the king of a mole man. Yeah! :'''Buddy''': I have an invisible friend. ''(Imagination pops)'' :'''Whopper''': Invisible friend? Oh, boy. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s someone who fibs. :'''Buddy''': No, really. His name is Bob, and he wants to play space commander too. :'''Whopper''': Hey! Paws off! Touching those is a doggy. Don’t! ''(He tries to take Buddy’s paws off but he accidentally pulls it)'' :'''Buddy''': I didn’t do it. Bob did. I’m turning them off again. :'''Whopper''': Oh, no! What have you done? ---- :'''Katrina''': Oh. At last, those filthy curs are back in their cages. ''(sighs)'' ''(But they stop and turn to the cage doors sliding open and closing)'' :'''Katrina''': What the… ''(The pups run to Katrina and Brattina)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh! Mutts just drive me nuts! ---- :'''Whopper''': Sorry, guys. :'''Nose Marie''': Aw. It’s alright, Whopper dear. I think everything’s back in order. :'''Cooler''': Everything but what to do about Buddy’s invisible friend Bob. :'''Nose Marie''': But he just has to learn to take the blame for his own mistakes. :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Brainstorm city! We’ll teach this new pup some old tricks, by making that invisible problem-o, poof… disappear. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Buddy''': So this is the Hall of Puppy Power. What happens now? :'''Cooler''': Just watch. ''(Puppy Power shows up)'' :'''Buddy''': Wow, wow! ''(Puppy Power appears with a boy named Colin adopting Buddy)'' :'''Cooler''': It’s every pup’s dream come true. A happy home and loving master. :'''Buddy''': Hey, that’s me! And who’s that? Is that gonna be my master? ''(It appears with Buddy snatching one of the cookies Nose Marie made, painting Bright Eyes in colors and playing)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(Off-screen)'' Well, maybe. But if a puppy does things like snitching cookies. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(Off-screen)'' Or playing practical jokes. :'''Whopper''': ''(Off-screen)'' Or fooling with things he shouldn’t. :'''Cooler''': That puppy will never get a master. It’ll be a pound bound hound. :'''Nose Marie''': You see, Buddy, we know you did all those things and we know Bob isn’t real. :'''Buddy''': What? He is too real and he’s a better friend than any of you guys. ''(storming off)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa. Took it pretty hard. :'''Bob''': ''(Off-screen)'' Well, you are kinda rough on him. :'''All''': Huh? :'''Bob''': ''(becoming visible)'' After all, he does believe in me. He wasn’t lying on purpose. :'''Cooler''': B-B-B-B-B-Bob? :'''Nose Marie''': I don’t believe it! :'''Bright Eyes''': And you can talk! :'''Whopper''': And you’re a dinosaur! Neato! :'''Bob''': What were you expecting? A giant bunny rabbit? :'''Cooler''': Hey. Quit yanking my leash. You’re not real. So, uh, how can we see you? :'''Bob''': Puppy Power made me visible. Up till now, I’ve only lived in Buddy’s mind. You see, Buddy’s been all alone since he was born. So he made me up. We play together, but I’m just pretend. Buddy needs a real friend. :'''Nose Marie''': Somewhere, there must be a boy who needs a friend like Buddy. :'''Bob''': You know, I have a cousin who’s the make-believe friend of a lonely boy named Colin. :'''Cooler''': Ooh! Tell us everything, Bob-a-loo. :'''Bob''': Well, you see, Colin was that something that was about… ''(whispers)'' ---- ''(Pound Puppies slide down the end of the pupscalator)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Yoo-hoo, Buddy? Where are you, dumpling? :'''Buddy''': ''(Off-screen)'' In here, guys! :'''Cooler''': Whoa! What’s shaking, kiddo? :'''Buddy''': I just cooked up some dog biscuits. :'''Nose Marie''': What on earth for? :'''Buddy''': For you, guys. After I ate the ones Nose Marie made, it’s the least I could do. ''(They take a bite out of the dog biscuits but they are extra salty)'' :'''Pound Puppies''': Oh! ''(Bright Eyes and Whopper run to the sink to wash their mouths)'' :'''Cooler''': Mmm. Extra salty. :'''Buddy''': It’s my way of saying sorry for all the stuff I did wrong. And as for Bob, he’s not really real. He’s just pretend. :'''Cooler''': We know all about it. :'''Bob''': ''(becoming visible)'' I filled him in, Buddy. :'''Buddy''': Bob! :'''Cooler''': And now, Buddy, my buddy, it’s time to take you to meet your new master. Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(They all head to the pupscalator but Bob gets stuck on it)'' :'''Buddy''': Oh, boy, you got to get a master. :'''Cooler''': Uh-oh, a pupscalator jam. We gotta push him through! Buddy’s up here all alone! :'''Whopper''': Uh! Why did Buddy have to have such a big imagination? ''(At the puppy pound)'' :'''Katrina''': Now, with these new padlocks, I’m going to lock you pups away forever. :'''Brattina''': Eww, look, Mommy Dearest! It’s that yucky runaway dog! :'''Katrina''': Gotcha! :'''Buddy''': Yipe! :'''Pound Puppies''': 1, 2, 3. ''(They finally push hard enough to get through)'' :'''Brattina''': Nothing can save the icky-poo troublemaking bow-wow now. ''(Suddenly, they hear something trembling)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, no! It-It feels like an earthquake! :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Oh! ''(They jump inside the cage and lock themselves inside, but forget Buddy)'' :'''Brattina''': What is that, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': I don’t know, but it’s not getting in here! :'''Cooler''': That should teach Katrina not to be so cagey. ''(laughs)'' ''(They all leave)'' ---- ''(Colin is reading the comic book to Sam)'' :'''Colin''': Pretty funny comic, huh, Sam? :'''Sam''': ''(laughs)'' I’ll say. There they are. ''(Pound Puppies and Buddy arrive)'' :'''Bob''': Hey, Sam. :'''Sam''': Hiya, Bob. ''(He comes to see Bob)'' Yeah, I’ve been expecting you, guys. :'''Buddy''': Is that him? My new master? Oh, I’m so nervous. Do you think you’ll like me? :'''Sam''': Only one way to find out. ''(Buddy comes into the garden)'' :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Colin''': Sam. Sam, where are you? Hey, where’d you come from? Well, don’t be afraid. Come here, boy. Come to Colin. :'''Bob''': ''(referring to Colin and Buddy)'' What do you know? They’re playing. ''(Colin laughs)'' :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Nose Marie''': A match made in Puppy Heaven. :'''Colin''': Sit, boy. Good dog. Now, wait here a second. Hey, mum! Can I keep a puppy? :'''Buddy''': Hey, Bob. He likes me. Just wait till he meets you. :'''Bob''': Oh, but I can’t stay here, Buddy. :'''Buddy''': What do you mean? We’re a team, best friends. Where I go, you’ll go. :'''Colin''': Mum said yes. I could keep you. Hey, where’d the puppy go? :'''Cooler''': This is your big chance for a real home, Buddy. :'''Bob''': And I don’t wanna see you lose it. Go on. ''(He pushes Buddy back in)'' :'''Buddy''': But what do you do? :'''Bob''': We’ll be invisible friends to other lonely pups and kids. And remember, Buddy, anytime you think of me, I’ll be right here. :'''Buddy''': Here or here? :'''Bob''': Right here. ''(He hugs Buddy)'' ''(Pound Puppies can’t help but feel sad)'' :'''Buddy''': Thanks, Pound Puppies. :'''Cooler''': Hey, don’t mention it, pal. :'''Colin''': Where’d my little Buddy go? Here, Buddy! :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Colin''': Hiya, Buddy! :'''Bob''': Well, not alone anymore. Time for us to go, Sam. :'''Cooler''': And, uh, when you find those lonely kids and puppies, you know where to send them. :'''Colin''': Goodbye, Sam. :'''Buddy''': Bye, Bob. ''(Bob and Sam leave and head to the sunset)'' == Episode 23: Kid in the Doghouse == ''(Brattina and Catgut bring a lot of puppies to the puppy pound using a giant balloon shaped like a dog bone)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' Nice work, Catgut. This is more yucky puppies than we’ve ever led to the pound before. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ---- :'''Brattina''': Please, Mommy Dearest! You have to see all the icky-poo puppies we caught. Ready, please! ''(Cooler pops out in the barrel)'' :'''Katrina''': Later, Brattina! First, I have to make sure the Cage Catapult is ready to capture that confounded Cooler. ''(Holly and the others sneak up and hop into the barrel and travel downstairs to the HQ)'' ---- ''(In the kitchen, Whopper is cleaning the bowl and throwing it to Bright Eyes)'' :'''Whopper''': The Dirty Bowl Patrol is on a roll with a help of the Wonder Whopper! :'''Bright Eyes''': Thanks for pitching in, Jerry! ''(Bright Eyes tosses the bowl to Jerry)'' :'''Jerry''': So when do we start having fun around here? :'''Bright Eyes''': As soon as all our work’s done. :'''Whopper''': Yeah. We have a million… zillion… no, a gazillion chores to do. Yeah. ''(imagining he can polish the Statue of Liberty and mop up the moon)'' Every chore in the world. In fact, we have to polish the Statue of Liberty. No. The Liberty Bell. Yeah, we have to mop up the moon. Yeah, the moon’s a mess. The monsters, they’re total slobs. ''(The imagination pops; Blue carries the bowl to them but he slips on the wet spot)'' :'''Blue''': Whoa! :'''Whopper''': Hey! Blue, what happened to Jerry? :'''Blue''': He said he had something really important to do. :'''Jerry''': ''(skateboarding away)'' Catch ya later, guys! :'''Whopper''': Yeah. Skateboarding’s pretty important stuff. ---- ''(At the puppy pound, Holly, Cooler and Howler peep out as Katrina finishes the Cage Catapult ready for action)'' :'''Howler''': Ah, oh! There she blows! Katrina! Off the starboard bow! :'''Katrina''': Silly confounded contraption! :'''Holly''': She’s looking the other way. Now’s our chance. :'''Cooler''': ''(to the children)'' It’s with puparoos. Let the escape-a-rooney begin. ''(Cooler and the children sneak up quickly)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' At last! The Cage Catapult is ready for action. Cooler and his canines won’t get away next time! :'''Brattina''': All right. All ready with the gunky gizmo, Mommy Dearest. Come and see all the stinky puppies we caught. Now! :'''Katrina''': Oh all right, Brattina! Show me the dogs. How many miserable mongrels did you catch? :'''Brattina''': Almost a hundred icky-poo smelly dogs. :'''Katrina''': A hundred dogs?! Why, Brattina, I could kiss you! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Gross. No thanks. I’d rather have a Suzy Spit-up Doll. :'''Katrina''': For a hundred dogs, I’ll get you a dozen Suzy Spit-up Dolls. ''(She realizes that the dogs are gone)'' What?! These cages are empty! :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' No, no, no! They were loaded with icky-poo stink old dogs! :'''Katrina''': ''(Angry with her)'' Play games with me, will you, young lady? Just for this: You can kiss that Suzy Spit-up Doll goodbye! :'''Brattina''': ''(cries)'' ---- ''(Scratchy and the others take flea bath)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Golly! Getting Jerry to do his chores has become a bigger chore. ''(She sees the shark’s fin and screams)'' :'''Whopper''': Shark pup Whopper strikes again! ''(laughs)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Cooler, I think the time has come to find a home for that boy and Blue. ''(Blue whimpers)'' ---- ''(In the swimming hole, Jerry is in the swimming trunks running in)'' :'''Jerry''': Yahoo! Anyone else coming in for a dip? :'''Bright Eyes and Whopper''': No thanks. :'''Jerry''': Party poopers. Huh? ''(Jerry is about to dive in but there is a garbage on the water)'' :'''Jerry''': Yuck! What gifts with the swimming hole? :'''Bright Eyes''': Some garbage fell in. :'''Whopper''': And cleaning up is no fun. I mean who likes doing chores? :'''Jerry''': This whole place is no fun anymore. Come on, Blue. Let’s get outta here. ''(Blue winks his eye; Bright Eyes and Whopper laugh)'' ---- ''(Jerry comes to Cooler and Howler who are watching TV)'' :'''Jerry''': Cooler, how soon are you gonna get Blue and me adopted? :'''Cooler''': Oh, gee. I don’t know. ''(sighs)'' Maybe after we’re through watching TV. :'''Jerry''': I hate it here. Everything’s broken or dirty. Nobody does any chores! :'''Cooler''': Absotutely. You don’t do chores. We don’t do chores. :'''Jerry''': I do so. I mean I will. I mean that is… ''(But Cooler and Howler shake their heads)'' :'''Jerry''': ''(sighs)'' I guess I don’t. Sorry, Cooler. Ah, but why can’t chores be fun? :'''Cooler''': Hey. Maybe you’re onto something, kiddo. Let’s give it the old pound puppy try. ---- ''(So they begin to do the chores in the kitchen, in the lagoon cleaning up the water and giving Scratchy a flea bath singing)'' :'''All''': I’ve been working with the scrub brush :All the really long day :I’ve been cleaning up the water :Who makes me feel okay? :Just be beating all the fun, fun, fun :If you really do get by :So everybody, get together :And keep things clean and bright :All right! ---- :'''Jerry''': Well, maybe chores can’t always be fun, but I’m gonna do my shift from now on. You know, guys, I think there’s something I should tell you. :'''Cooler''': No time for that now, Jerry. Let’s get you to your new home. ---- :'''Cooler''': Here it is! :'''Bright Eyes''': Your nifty new home! :'''Holly''': With some folks who really want you. :'''Jerry''': But that’s my old house. :'''Jerry’s Mom''': Jerry, you’re late. Oh, we were so worried. :'''Jerry''': Mom, dad! It’s great to be home! Oh! And this is Blue. He’s from the puppy pound. Can I keep him? :'''Jerry’s Dad''': Well, I don’t wanna wind up being the one who takes care of him. :'''Jerry''': Don’t worry, dad. I promise I’ll do all my chores from now on, and that includes taking care of Blue. :'''Jerry’s Dad''': Okay then, Blue. Welcome to the family. ''(Blue licks Jerry’s Dad and then barks; they share love with them)'' :'''Cooler''': Well, gang, our chores are done, and you know what that means? :'''All''': Time to have fun! ''(They run along and have fun)'' == Episode 24: Little Big Dog == ''(The truck with a ton of bricks drives a little further backwards)'' :'''Katrina''': A little further. Yes, yes, a little further. Y… Ah, ah, ah. Hold it right there. :'''Brattina''': What are those stinky bricks for, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': ''(looking at the security pound on the paper)'' To build my new maximum security pound. This wall will stop Cooler and his motely mutt cold, like being hit with a ton of bricks. ''(Ton of bricks falls on them)'' :'''Brattina''': Oh! Just kill me already, why don’tcha! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Bone-binoculars comes out)'' :'''Cooler''': Oh, brother! Get a load of what the bad guys are up to this time. ''(Katrina is cementing bricks on top)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(singing)'' I’ve been putting up the brick wall :This time, I will win :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' She’s cementing up the brick wall :To keep the yucky doggies in :Can’t you hear our cheers and shouting ''(Catgut falls asleep)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(singing)'' Locking up the mutts we had ''(A little pup named Teensy comes out of the hole and sneaks up)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Cooler and screams are shouting :'''Katrina and Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Cos they finally met them up ''(Catgut wakes up and Teensy stops sneaking up)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(screaming)'' ''(Teensy rushes around before Catgut’s head gets stuck in the flowerpot)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(screaming and then he stops running)'' You know what? I’m scared. ''(screaming and running again)'' :'''Cooler''': Woo! A little game of Catgut and mouse, and it looks like Catgut hates meeces to pieces. ''(Brattina sees that Teensy’s a mouse)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! A mouse! Icky-icky-icky-poo yuck! ''(Teensy lands on Brattina’s head)'' :'''Brattina''': Get him off me, Catgut! Get him off! :'''Nose Marie''': Sakes alive! That’s no mouse! That’s a little bitty muffy doggy! ''(Brattina makes the crane with Katrina in it wobble and crash down)'' :'''Katrina''': Bra-Bra-Bra-Bra-Bra-Brat-t-t-ti-ti-ti-tina! Whoa! ''(Brattina and Catgut scream; cement splashes into Brattina’s and Catgut’s face)'' :'''Nose Marie''': We have to save that cute little old pup! :'''Katrina''': ''(Angry with her)'' Just for this, Brattina: You’ll get no stewed prunes for a week! ---- ''(Nose Marie pops out and rescues Teensy and goes back down)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Settle down, honey lamb. Nose Marie won’t hurt you. You’re safe with me. :'''Teensy''': Aw. :'''Cooler''': ''(sighs)'' That really warms to cockles of my heart. Whatever those are. ''(laughs)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Cooler, maybe the teensy puppy could use my Dolly’s house for a home. :'''Cooler''': Absotutely, guys. Hey, not a bad name for him either, Teensy. ---- ''(In the kitchen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Now, Teensy darling, what you need is some little old nourishment. ''(Teensy climbs up the dish bowl and licks the milk but he falls in)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(gasps)'' Oh, sweet corn bone! This will never do. ''(She picks him up with her teeth and puts him on the little towel)'' That should keep it, toasty sugar. ---- :'''Nose Marie''': Sleep tight, honey lamb, in pleasant dreams. ''(Teensy looks at everything around the Dolly’s home)'' :'''Whopper''': Hiya, Teensy! Want to see my dirt collection? ''(Teensy screams and rushes out)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, Whopper! I just had him all calmed down and you went and uncalmed him again! :'''Whopper''': Maybe he’s so scared of dirt. ''(Teensy screams and stops running)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(to the audience)'' You know what? I’m scared of everything. ''(He screams and runs again)'' :'''Cooler''': Okay, kid. Put it right there, kid! Come on, kid! You can do it, kid! Give it the old pepper, kid! ''(Teensy runs and is hit by the baseball glove)'' :'''Cooler''': Perfectamundo, kid! Hey, Teensy, my pup. Mellow out. No one’s gonna hurt you down here. :'''Bright Eyes''': We’re all super-duper fun loving puppies just like you! :'''Whopper''': Yeah. Just like you except we’re a milli… a trill… a kabillion times bigger. Yeah. :'''Nose Marie''': Don’t you pay no never mind to that, sugar plum. Size doesn’t matter. It’s what’s in here that counts. ---- ''(In the kitchen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Let’s see how this works out, honey lamb. ''(She gives a thimble of milk to Teensy)'' ''(Teensy drinks but the milk spills out over him)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Nonsense! Like my grandmother used to say “Where there’s a pound puppy, there’s a way.” ''(gasps)'' I’ve got it. Here’s Nose Marie’s little old secret recipe for a teensy meal. Take one slightly beat up rubber glove. ''(cutting finger gloves)'' Add an empty salt shaker, fill it to the brain with cold fresh milk, mix in a little magic, and before you say “Bye, you baby.” You’re dining like a southern puppy king! ''(Teensy drinks a milk)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(to the audience)'' You know what? I’m happy. ---- ''(Pound Puppies and Teensy are playing cards)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Got any nifty Queenie’s? :'''Teensy''': No. Goldfish. :'''Cooler''': Well, after two weeks with us, puparoo, you seem to be getting along just dand-dand-danding. :'''Teensy''': Yes. I’m winning. :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Either my ears are on the fritz, so Holly’s trying to contact me with Puppy Power. :'''Teensy''': What’s Puppy Power? :'''Cooler''': You might call it radio station K-Pup that plays nothing but love songs. :'''Nose Marie''': ''(to Cooler)'' Puppy love songs, that is. ''(Holly appears via Puppy Power)'' :'''Holly''': Hi, everyone. I’ve got great news! I found a perfect home for Teensy. This little girl lives in an apartment, and a small puppy like Teensy would fit in just right. Auntie Katrina’s away buying more bricks, so now’s the time to get him out. I’ll meet you upstairs. ''(Puppy Power with Holly disappears)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(gasps)'' Home? For Teensy? :'''Cooler''': Of course-a-rooney. Remember the Pound Puppy model, neither rain, no snow, no Katrina Stoneheart. :'''Whopper''': So, stop the good guys! :'''Bright Eyes''': From delivering neato puppies. :'''All''': ''(singing)'' To happy home! ''(Cooler, Bright Eyes and Whopper go upstairs)'' :'''Nose Marie''': I know. I just didn’t think he’d have to leave me so soon. ''(Nose Marie follows them too)'' ---- :'''Holly''': Teensy, this is your new home. :'''Teensy''': Are you coming with me, Nose Marie? :'''Nose Marie''': No, sweetie pie. You live with a nice little girl here. :'''Teensy''': ''(crying)'' I don’t want to leave you, Nose Marie! :'''Bright Eyes''': Golly gee willikers! No pup’s ever not wanted to be adopted before. :'''Cooler''': Yeah, this could put a bad mark on our whiz-bang success record. :'''Teensy''': Ah! I don’t wanna be a bad mark! I just want to stay with Nose Marie! :'''Holly''': Don’t worry, Teensy. We’ll find another puppy for this little girl. :'''Nose Marie''': And we’ll take you back to the little old pound with us. :'''Teensy''': ''(hugging her)'' Thank you, Nose Marie! ---- ''(Meanwhile, Brattina is setting up mouse traps to catch the mice)'' :'''Brattina''': There. That should fix any icky-poo mice that come in here. There are enough scary traps to catch a zillion yucky mices, eh, Catgut? :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Holly opens the gate door to see what is going on)'' :'''Holly''': What? Brattina, what is going on? :'''Brattina''': “Brattina, what is going on?” I’m trying to catch a mouse, nosy-pants. What’s it look like? :'''Holly''': Brattina still thinks Teensy’s a mouse, and she covered the yard with traps. :'''Cooler''': And here comes the wicked witch of the worst Katrina. ''(Katrina drops the bag of bricks and see the others)'' :'''Katrina''': What the…? :'''All''': Booga-booga-booga! ''(Holly and Pound Puppies rush in and stand against the wall)'' :'''Katrina''': It’s Cooler and those miserable mutts. Brattina! Stop those confounded canines! Don’t just stand there, you ninny! Get them! :'''Brattina''': No! Mommy Dearest, look out! ''(Katrina steps on the mouse traps and gets caught in pain off-screen)'' :'''Katrina''': Ouch! Ow! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Ow! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Mommy Dearest, that looks totally painful. :'''Katrina''': ''(Angry with her)'' Not half as painful as the punishment you’ll get for this! :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' But, Mommy Dearest! ---- ''(Katrina carries on putting lots of bricks on as the season changes from Summer to Autumn to Winter)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(singing)'' Lots of bricks, Lots of bricks :Build the wall real high :I’ll keep on cementing bricks :Until I touch the sky :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Stinky bricks, smelly bricks :Mommy Dearest, why?! :If we don’t stop for Christmas, :I’ll whine and scream and cry ''(whining)'' ---- ''(Spring has arrived and the bird tweets and lands on the branch)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Looks like the spring is sprung. Which means, Nose Marie, it’s time to snip the apron strings and find Teensy a home. Before he eats us out of ours. :'''Nose Marie''': I’m powerfully fond of him, but I can barely lift his food dish anymore. ''(to Teensy)'' Teensy, dinner time! :'''Teensy''': Oh, boy. ''(He comes in becoming giant)'' :'''Nose Marie''': You’re right, Cooler. I guess it’s time to get Teensy adopted. :'''Teensy''': Adopted? But I don’t wanna leave, Nose Marie. ''(crying)'' Whoo, is me! :'''Nose Marie''': Teensy, sugar plum, everyone has to leave the nest some time and we’ll come and visit at your new home. :'''Teensy''': You promise? :'''Cooler''': Positively, Teensy, my pup. :'''Nose Marie''': And remember, honey lamb. Just let out a little old howl, ''(howling)'' and I’ll come running. :'''Teensy''': All right. I’ll go. ''(They all celebrate)'' ---- :'''Brattina''': ''(in her walkie-talkie)'' Mommy Dearest, I’m sick of the stinky smelly wall! Come down already, why don’tcha! :'''Katrina''': Stop whining, Brattina! I want to put one more row of bricks on, and then I’ll be down. ''(to the audience)'' Cooler and those crummy canines will never help another mutt escape. ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Down below, brick wall turns around revealing Holly, Pound Puppies and Teensy and they see that the brick wall is so big)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Looks like Katrina’s been a busy little bad girl. :'''Holly''': Come on! Auntie Katrina’s way up there. She’ll never see you leave. ''(Holly and the Pound Puppies sneak past Brattina, Katrina and Catgut and Teensy stamps past them too)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest! Where did the horsey come from? Can we keep him, Mommy Dearest? Oh, please! Can we keep him? :'''Katrina''': Stop talking nonsense! What’s going on down there? :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' Holly’s letting Cooler and some dogs and a horsey go out the front gate. :'''Katrina''': Cooler and some dogs?! Well, stop them, you fool! ''(noticing the wall has a crack)'' Oh, no! My wonderful wall! :'''Cooler''': Looks like Katrina’s plan isn’t all it was cracked up to be. ''(laughs)'' ''(Holly, the Pound Puppies and Teensy leave the pound before the brick wall collapses)'' :'''Katrina''': NO!! ''(Katrina and Brattina are sitting down in defeat)'' :'''Katrina''': Mutts drive me nuts! ---- ''(At the field filled with sheep, little girl opens the door and comes out)'' :'''Cooler''': There it is, Teensy. Your new hap-hap-happy home. :'''Teensy''': Well, I guess this is goodbye, Nose Marie. :'''Nose Marie''': Oh! But I don’t want you to go! :'''Teensy''': Now, now. Everyone has to leave the nest some time. Besides, I’ll come visit ya. :'''Nose Marie''': You promise? :'''Teensy''': Positively! And remember, just let out a howl, ''(howling)'' and I’ll come running. ''(He comes to see his master as he howls and then he licks her as she giggles)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(to the audience)'' You know what? I’m happy. :'''Nose Marie''': You know what? So am I. == Episode 25: The Bright Eyes Mob == ''(Pound Puppies are watching the news on TV)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, no! All the news! It can’t be! :'''Cooler''': If I didn’t know better, I’d say that looks like Bright Eyes. ''(They see Bright Eyes on TV stealing Bruno’s weenies)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howling)'' It is Bright Eyes. :'''Newscaster''': We’re here at Bruno’s Meat Market scene of a bold robbery. Mr. Bruno, what exactly happened? :'''Bruno''': Well, I was slicing veal cutlets when this here vicious criminal-type canine comes in and steals my weenies. :'''Nose Marie''': We have to stop Bright Eyes before she strikes again! :'''Howler''': Yeah. If she stole weenies, she may be building up to b-b-baloney’s. :'''Cooler''': Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(Pound Puppies rush off to stop Bright Eyes)'' ---- :'''Toots''': Bright Eyes, go grab damn cookies and cakes and bring them here. :'''Bright Eyes''': Anything for my peachy king friend. :'''Toots''': You really would do anything for me, wouldn’t you, kid? :'''Bright Eyes''': Sure, Toots! That’s what friends are for! :'''Toots''': ''(gasps)'' Wait a minute. I don’t know who’s the bigger sucker. Bright Eyes or me. == Episode 26: The Rescue Pups == :'''Howler''': ''(Off-screen)'' Puppy Power, ''(howling)'' we have another puppy for you. :'''Cooler''': This little dude would like a home. :'''Nose Marie''': One from which you’ll never roam. ''(Puppy Power appears with a house and a girl named Jody)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Search the city from up above and find this pup a child to love. :'''Arf''': ''(barking)'' I wanna live with her! ''(rushing off and wearing a bobble hats and a scarf)'' When can we leave? :'''Whopper''': Gee! You’re not in a hurry or anything else, are you? :'''Cooler''': We’ll pupscalate upstairs and have you adopted before you can say… Katrina Stoneheart. ''(Katrina and Brattina are looking through their binoculars)'' :'''Katrina''': Keep your eyes peeled, Brattina. I have a feeling something big is about to happen. Aha! There’s a big dopey mutt just asking to be caught! ''(She realizes it is Howler shaped hot-air balloon)'' Oh! :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina! Do something! :'''Brattina''': No sweat, Mommy Dearest! I’ll smell those flying furballs! ''(Brattina uses a fishing rod to catch Pound Puppies)'' :'''Cooler''': Uh-oh. Looks like we are the catch of the day! :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' I’ve got the stinkers! I’m going to stink ‘em! ''(They try to pull back, but they are pulled by the hot-air balloon hanging them on)'' :'''All''': Whoa! :'''Katrina''': You mangy mutts! Put us down!! :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' With pleasure. ''(Howler cuts the fishing rod with a pair of scissors from inside his hat sending Katrina, Brattina and Catgut down the chimney)'' :'''Cooler''': Okay, crew! Up, pup and away! ''(Then they fly up all the way to Jody’s house)'' ---- ''(Jody is digging the snow away with her shovel just as Pound Puppies arrive)'' :'''Jody''': I don’t believe it! :'''Arf''': ''(coming out and barking)'' :'''Jody''': It’s a puppy just like the one I dreamed about! :'''Arf''': ''(barks)'' :'''Jody''': What a great bark! I think I’ll call you Arf! :'''Cooler''': Ah. Another perfectamundo adaption. ''(But Jody’s Mom comes to see what she is doing with Arf)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Jody, what are you doing with that dog? :'''Jody''': Can I keep him, mom? His name’s Arf. :'''Arf''': ''(barks)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': We’ve discussed this before, hon. No dogs. They’re too much work. :'''Jody''': But, mom! :'''Arf''': ''(barks again)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': And besides, all dogs ever do is bark. :'''Arf''': ''(barks again)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': See what I mean? We don’t need the extra noise around here. ''(She goes back in)'' :'''Arf''': ''(sadly)'' I guess I’ll ''(barking)'' go back to the pound now. :'''Cooler''': Gee, this adoption wasn’t as perfectamundo as I thought. ''(Jody waves and wipes her tear away)'' ---- ''(Back at the house, Arf is scratching the door to Jody’s Mom to help; Jody’s Mom opens the door and Arf comes in)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Huh? Hey! Come back here! :'''Arf''': ''(barks)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Jody, why is this dog here? Jody? Where are you? ''(Arf has a note from Jody that she is in trouble)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': What? She’s gone! Is Jody in some sort of trouble? ''(Arf goes off to find Jody, then Jody’s Mom follows him)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Beat the way, Arf. I’m right behind you. ---- ''(In his imagination, Whopper becomes the king of the jungle)'' :'''Whopper''': Here’s Jungle pup Whopper searching the forest for something to keep Jody warm! :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(Off-screen)'' HELP! :'''Whopper''': The jungle pup princess has been captured by the dreaded black panther! Yeah! Our hero can swing in option! ''(swinging to rescue Bright Eyes)'' Whoa-hoa-hoa! Without any panther’s own safety, Jungle pup Whopper dives endureth the monster of biomass bear tape! ''(Whopper bounces and he attacks the black panther, then he bites his tail. Then his imagination comes back to the real world holding the blanket)'' :'''Bright Eyes and Whopper''': Whoa! :'''Whopper''': Now I know why we dogs learn a lot on the couch. :'''Bright Eyes''': Good work, Whopper! This ought to keep Jody nice and toasty. Come on! ''(The two pups leave)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': What do you think you’re doing?! Get off my truck this instant! :'''Cooler''': Booga-booga-booga! == Episode 27: Good Night, Sweet Pups == ''(Cooler and Nose Marie give Henry a pup named Toby)'' :'''Cooler''': There you go, Henry. One cute little puparoo as promised. :'''Nose Marie''': You’re sure your little ol’ parents said it was okay? :'''Henry''': I’m sure. ''(giggling)'' Come on, Toby. Let’s show you to mom and dad, and thanks, Pound Puppies. ''(Suddenly, they hear Whopper howling from the HQ)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Bless my dog bones! Little ol’ Whopper must be having a nightmare again. :'''Cooler''': We better be pound bound before he wakes up Katrina. ---- ''(Whopper moans and barks)'' :'''Katrina''': Blast it all! That moaning mongrel is at it again! Crying, crying, crying! I’ll give him something to cry about. ''(tripping over the stool)'' Ouch! ''(crashing into the closet)'' Oh! That pesky pooch has yapped his last yap! ''(Down in the HQ)'' :'''Whopper''': ''(moans)'' :'''Cooler''': Whopper, baby cakes, what’s the problem-o? :'''Whopper''': Something was after me. Yeah. ''(imagining it was a ghost, vampire and the army of werewolves)'' It was a ghost. Oh! Vampire had once to suck your blood. No, no. It’s an army of puppy-eating werewolves. ''(howling)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Now, Whopper sugar, you just had another little old bad dream. :'''Bright Eyes''': Jumping jelly beans! How are we ever gonna stop Whopper’s creepy crawly spooky nightmares? :'''Cooler''': With some good old puppy power magic. Abracadoggy-dabra! ---- ''(After having a dream)'' :'''Howler''': Boy, oh boy! Whopper, you gotta get some new dreams. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(rubbing her eyes)'' Yeah. I’m super glad that one’s done. :'''Nose Marie''': Now all we have to do is get you over your little ol’ fear of the dark. :'''Whopper''': No. That’s impossible. No way. Can’t be done, can it? :'''Cooler''': Hey. That spooky jazz-a-rooney is just your imagination working overtime. :'''Whopper''': What’s an imagination? ''(Cooler shows Whopper a guide)'' :'''Cooler''': It’s the place in your head where you make stuff up, and you got the wildest and wackiest imagination in the whole pound. :'''Whopper''': But I’m not making it up! It’s really dark and scary! :'''Nose Marie''': Whopper honey, the dark is just the same as daytime only with a little ol’ lights turned out. :'''Cooler''': And I know just how we can prove it. ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': Finding gums for all the other puppies is as easy as gumdrops. :'''Cooler''': ''(yawning)'' But now that Katrina is on vacation. :'''Nose Marie''': Are you sure you don’t want the little old night light, Whopper? :'''Whopper''': Nah. Tonight, Wonder Whopper is gonna have nothing but sweet dreams. Thanks to all my puppy pals. Goodnight, everybody. ''(turning off the lamp)'' :'''All''': Goodnight, Whopper! == Episode 28: Nose Marie Day == ''(Cooler tells them what Mother’s Day is all about)'' :'''Cooler''': Mother’s Day is that special date when you tell your mum she’s super great. Serving her breakfast on a tray says “I love you” in a wonderful way. But it’s not a gift or the size of amount. It’s the love that comes with it that makes it count. Yes. Mums are the best without any doubt, and that’s what Mother’s Day is all about. :'''Bright Eyes''': I sure wish we had a mum to honor today. :'''Whopper''': But Nose Marie is just like our mum, isn’t she? :'''Bright Eyes''': Yeah. This’ll be her nifty special day, cos we’ll do all the work for her. :'''Howler''': We could call it Nose Marie Day! ''(howling)'' :'''Cooler''': Say, Nose Marie, we have a surprise-aroo for you! :'''Nose Marie''': Not now, Cooler honey. That new little old pup named Freddie is loose upstairs and Katrina has him on the run. ---- ''(A pup named Freddie is being chased by Katrina)'' :'''Freddie''': ''(barks and whimpers)'' :'''Katrina''': Get into that cage, you filthy mongrel! ''(Brattina shuts the cage door)'' :'''Brattina''': And don’t show your smelly doggy face again. :'''Katrina''': Well, don’t just stand there, you two. Where are they? :'''Holly''': Where what? :'''Katrina''': My gifts. It’s Mother’s Day. I’m a mother. Where are my gifts?! :'''Holly''': Oh. Here, Auntie Katrina. ''(She shows Katrina)'' I made this card myself. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Nobody in the world has a mother like you. :'''Katrina''': Ooh, isn’t that sweet? ''(ripping the Mother’s Day card)'' I hate sweet! This isn’t the gift! I want merchandise! I hope you did better, Brattina. :'''Brattina''': You betcha. ''(She shows Katrina a present)'' Happy Mommy Dearest Day. :'''Katrina''': A plant? Uck! It disgusts me. :'''Brattina''': But it’s special, Mommy Dearest. It’s an icky-poo Puppy-Eating Plant. :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies, puppies, puppies! :'''Katrina''': Oh, Brattina! It’s a Mother’s Day dream come true! ''(kissing Brattina)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! Totally gross me out, why don’tcha! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': I love puppies! Puppies! Puppies! ''(Freddie whimpers as the trapdoors open and he slides down to the HQ before Nose Marie catches him)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Freddie dumpling, don’t you worry about that silly old vegetable. We’re going to get you adopted, just as soon as I clean you up with a little old bath. :'''Whopper''': Whoa! Hold on there, ma’am. This here is Nose Marie’s Day, which means you don’t do Narry no work at all. Yeah. :'''Nose Marie''': But… :'''Bright Eyes''': No buts about it. We’ll get Freddie a super-duper bath. :'''Howler''': With my new improved Bath-O-Matic! :'''Whopper''': Bath-O-Matic home! ---- ''(A while later, the whole HQ is flooded from the Bath-O-Matic and it is about to blow up)'' :'''Whopper''': Bark Captain, we’re sinking fast! Abandoned ship to all in its puppy fire furry! :'''Howler''': I think the Bath-O-Matic has some few more adjustments. ''(He is about to make a few more adjustments to it but it explodes into two pieces)'' :'''Whopper''': Ahh! We’ve been hit by enemy fire! :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh! This never happens when Nose Marie gives baths. ---- :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, come and see. I watered unfertilized your new plant. Look at it now! Lookie, lookie, lookie! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, that is adorable! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies, puppies, puppies! ''(licks and slurps)'' I love puppies! ---- ''(Four puppies are playing their violins as Nose Marie is getting bored)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. This pampered life is boring. ''(Freddie comes to see her)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. Sounds like a certain sleepy head needs a nap. :'''Freddie''': ''(yawning)'' Yeah, but I can’t fall asleep with a bedtime story. :'''Nose Marie''': Then your all sit right back and listen, Freddie. Bedtime stories are my specialty. “Once Upon a little old Time…” ''(But Howler and Bright Eyes hoover the bedtime story up)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Stop! Don’t say another word. :'''Nose Marie''': What? :'''Howler''': It’s your day off, remember? We’re doing all your chores for you. :'''Bright Eyes''': Including bedtime stories. :'''Howler''': ''(pushing Nose Marie to the door)'' So go relax, Nose Marie. ''(Howler rushes off)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, fiddly dee! This relaxing is becoming downright exhausting. ''(sighs)'' :'''Freddie''': But who’s going to tell me a story? :'''Whopper''': ''(as an old man)'' The little old storyteller me. Oh, Freddie, my pup. Did I ever tell you about the time I barked at a kitty? Uh, no. I mean a tiger… No, no, no. Was the cat monsters from Mars? :'''Freddie''': Never. :'''Whopper''': Oh, by cracking! ''(imagining he was soaring across the milky way in his ship)'' Them on days. Well, there I was soaring across the street. No. The milky way. When suddenly, they attacked the monster cats. They bombarded my ship with giant killer furballs. Of course, I put up a food fight. ''(Imagination disappears and Whopper fights with a pillow)'' :'''Whopper''': Take that, and that, and that! Oh, by cracking the fur was really flying. Yes, free! Oh, I thought it was a goner. :'''Cooler''': You’re all gonna be goners if you don’t clean up this mess and pronto. :'''Bright Eyes''': Sure thing, Cooler. Sorry. :'''Howler''': This never happens when Nose Marie tells the story. ''(hoovering up the feathers)'' I wish Mother’s Day was over. :'''Whopper''': Yeah. Then Nose Marie could clean up this mess. ---- ''(Freddie snores and Nose Marie snuggles him up with a blanket)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. The little dumpling. How’s every little old thing? Can I do anything for ya? :'''Freddie''': No. Everybody’s taking great care of me. :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. :'''Freddie''': Who are you anyway? :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, I’m just a little old nobody. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Well, I’m obviously not needed around here anymore. So I’d best go somewhere where I am needed. ''(to Puppy Power)'' Puppy Power, let me see. A loving master just for me. ''(Puppy Power appears via Nose Marie; The mover is moving their stuff out from their house)'' :'''Lisa’s Mom''': The movers are almost finished, honey. :'''Lisa’s Dad''': Then let’s get packed with a plane to catch. California, here we come! :'''Lisa’s Mom''': And Lisa, our new home has a great big backyard, so you can finally have that puppy you’ve always wanted. :'''Lisa''': A puppy?! Oh boy, I can’t wait. :'''Nose Marie''': And you won’t have to wait, cos this puppy’s coming with you. ---- ''(Nose Marie is sneaking up as she is about to leave)'' :'''Nose Marie''': So long, Pound Puppies! ''(She leaves the pound)'' ''(Meanwhile, Bratting pulls the wagon with Puppy-Eating Plant on it along)'' :'''Brattina''': I dug the stinky yucky gunky hole. Nice and deep, Mommy Dearest. ''(Puppy-Eating Plant bounces out)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! :'''Katrina''': With my Puppy-Eating Plant guarding the plant, no mongrel will ever escape again! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! Puppies! I love puppies! :'''Cooler''': Whoa! That is one jumbo economy-sized vegetable. :'''All''': ''(groaning)'' Oh. :'''Whopper''': Well, it’s been a long day, riding the range partner. And those cow pups are plumb. Dog-type took her out. :'''Howler''': Which mean we’re bushed. How does Nose Marie do it every day? :'''Cooler''': Beats the fleas out of me, but we have puppy proof of how important Nose Marie is to us. So let’s go tell her. :'''Holly''': That might not be so easy. Nose Marie is gone! :'''All''': What? :'''Holly''': She left a note. ''(reading)'' Dear gang. I’ve gone to get myself adopted. I just hope my new master likes me. :'''Lisa''': Like her? I love her. She’s the most wonderful puppy ever. :'''Lisa’s Mom''': Well then, I guess we’ll just have to take her to California with us. :'''Lisa''': Alright! :'''Nose Marie''': ''(barking squeakily)'' :'''Lisa’s Dad''': Come on, Lisa. We don’t wanna miss our flight. ''(They all get in the car by taxi and off to the airport)'' :'''Holly''': ''(reading continuously)'' If all goes well, I’ll be flying to California today. I missed you all, but at least I’ll be with someone who needs me. Love Nose Marie. :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' This is awful. Nose Marie doesn’t think we need her. :'''Whopper''': Boy! Is she wrong? :'''Bright Eyes''': And she’s leaving on a plane for California! Oh, what do we do? :'''Cooler''': We have to stop her. Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(Pound Puppies are going up in the pupscalator to stop her)'' :'''Cooler''': Follow me, crew! ''So Holly and the Pound Puppies are about to go and find Nose Marie, but they stop as the Puppy-Eating Plant is about to them)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! ''(Pound Puppies and Freddie gasp)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! Puppies! I love puppies! ''(picking them up)'' :'''Holly''': Stop it, you overgrown ruta eater! Put them down! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' The icky-poo puppies are gonna be munched! Gonna be munched! Gonna be munched! The icky-poo puppies are gonna be munched! The plant has caught them all! :'''Cooler''': Eat your puds off us, you overgrown salad bar! :'''Whopper''': Oh! Now I know why you should eat vegetables, so they eat you! ''(The Puppy-Eating Plant kisses the puppies)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Oh, I just love little puppies! Love them, love them, love them! ''(He kisses them again)'' :'''Cooler''': Well, what do you know? He does love puppies. ''(laughs)'' :'''Katrina''': What?! You’re supposed to eat them, not love them, you-you weed! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': The only things I eat are people and kitty-cats who are mean to puppies! ''(They try to run away but they are captured by Puppy-Eating Plant)'' :'''Cooler''': To the airport-a-rooney and step on it! ''(Pound Puppies and Holly leave; Puppy-Eating Plant eats them but he spits them out)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': There are some things that even I won’t eat! Ugh! ---- ''(The plane is about to take off)'' :'''Flight Recorder''': Will all passengers please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take-off? :'''Lisa''': Are you all ready to go, Nose Marie? :'''Nose Marie''': As ready as I’ll ever be, Lisa. :'''Flight Recorder''': Flight Niner five to Los Angeles requests our clearance for take-off. :'''Pilot #1''': Oh, hold the phone, Flight Niner five. We have unauthorized personnel on the runway. :'''Pilot #2''': Correction. We have unauthorized dogs on the runway. ''(They see Pound Puppies coming on the runway)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' :'''Whopper''': ''(Imitating siren noise)'' Hey! Pull over! :'''Flight Recorder''': There’s going to be a short delay, folks. We have a bunch of dogs blocking our take-off. :'''Lisa''': Dogs? ''(Howler howls off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Howler? ''(Nose Marie gets out and runs to the plane door)'' ''(Pound Puppies bark at the plane then the plane door opens)'' :'''Nose Marie''': What are you all doing here? :'''Cooler''': Nose Marie! Don’t leave us, kiddo! I need you! :'''Howler, Bright Eyes and Whopper''': We need you! :'''Holly''': The puppy pound just wouldn’t be the same without you. ''(Nose Marie comes to hug Holly)'' :'''Nose Marie''': I missed you, southern fried goodness! :'''Cooler''': Absitively posolutely! :'''Lisa''': Nose Marie, what’s going on? Oh. Is Nose Marie your dog? :'''Holly''': Well, kind of. You see, we really need her help with the pound. :'''Freddie''': Well, how about another puppy who’s just as nice and cute? Hi. My name’s Freddie. ''(Freddie licks Lisa)'' :'''Lisa''': Oh. Freddie, you’re perfect. ''(They all howl)'' ---- :'''Lisa and Freddie''': Thanks, Pound Puppies! ''(They wave goodbye to Pound Puppies and then the plane takes off)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Another happy adoption. :'''Cooler''': And it’s all thanks to you, Nose Marie. :'''All''': You’re the greatest! ''(They kiss her)'' :'''Nose Marie''': That’s the best little old Mother’s Day present of all! == Episode 29: Snow Puppies == ''(It is a very sunny day at the puppy pound)'' ''(Down below, Pound Puppies are having a relax in the Pound Puppy Lagoon)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa. The only way to beat this heat is to think cool thoughts. Like cooler is cool, ice is cool, the lagoon is cool. :'''Nose Marie''': I’m really sick about poor little old Thunderhawk. ''(Thunderhawk tries to drink but the water is so icy and he pants)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': He’s drinking more water than the otter. He can’t stand the heat! :'''Cooler''': What’s the temp up to now, Whopper? :'''Whopper''': It’s a hundred… a thou… No. A mid-air of core diamond degree! ''(Whopper looks at the thermometer that goes up really high then explodes a little bit)'' :'''Whopper''': Hya! ---- ''(Thunderhawk pants)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Howler, can you tell us why the heat is hitting Thunderhawk so super-duper hard? :'''Howler''': ''(howling)'' The Computer-Pupter should give us the answer. ''(Howler’s Computer-Pupter calculates and says “HOT”)'' :'''Computer-Pupter''': Thunderhawk’s problem is, he’s hot! He’s hot! He’s hot! :'''Cooler''': We know he’s hot, but why is he hotter than the rest of us hotshots? :'''Holly''': I think I have the answer. ''(looking at the book)'' It says here. Thunderhawk’s the Siberian Husky. These dogs thrive best in a cold climate. They love ice and snow. :'''Cooler''': Then what we have to do is get this puparoo a master with an igloo. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Holly''': Puppy Power, do your stuff. Find a place that’s cold enough. :'''Cooler''': ''(to Thunderhawk)'' A master with a freezing home. Someplace maybe north of Nome? :'''Bright Eyes''': Where’s Nome? :'''Whopper''': In Alaska, same time zone is Santa Claus. ''(Puppy Power appears with a boy named Nahook who is polishing his sled in Alaska)'' :'''Oran''': Hey, Nahook. Nice sled! You gonna be in the race on Saturday? :'''Nahook''': Nah. I still don’t have a dog. How can I race? :'''Oran''': Well, maybe you can pull the sled yourself. Ha, ha, ha, ha! :'''Nahook''': Very funny, Oran. ''(sighs)'' :'''Thunderhawk''': I can be Nahook’s sled dog. :'''Holly''': And Nahook could be your new ever loving master. :'''Thunderhawk''': Together, we can win any race. :'''Cooler''': Pups and puppets, we’re snowbound hounds! Alaskey, here we come! ---- :'''Katrina''': ''(sighs)'' I’m miserably hot. The only comfort is knowing those mutts so suffering more than I am. :'''Brattina''': Eww! I don’t think so, Mommy Dearest. Look! ''(Pound Puppies and Thunderhawk are speeding away to Alaska)'' :'''Holly''': Good luck, Pound Puppies! :'''Pound Puppies''': Thanks, Holly! :'''Katrina''': Stop those mongrels! ''(Katrina and Brattina try to get Pound Puppies but they get away)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, blast it all! They’re getting away! ''(They hear the ground sizzling)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(sniffs)'' Mommy Dearest, did you smell something? I think someone is having a cookout. :'''Katrina''': No, Brattina dear. It’s the smell of our bare feet sizzling on the hot pavement. ''(They jump off the ground burning)'' :'''All''': Whoa! ---- ''(At the airport, the parcels and packages are delivered to the Air Mail plane and is about to be ready for take-off)'' ''(In the box saying “Live Animals,” Pound Puppies and Thunderhawk pop out)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Air mailing ourselves to Alaska is a super-nifty idea, Cooler! :'''Howler''': But, kids, please, don’t try this at all. :'''Cooler''': I just hope I haven’t already seen the inflight movie. :'''Katrina''': ''(Off-screen)'' There they are! :'''All''': Uh-oh! :'''Katrina''': Those walking float mongrels won’t get away from me! Grab them! :'''Cooler''': Let’s hit the friendly skies, guys! ''(Katrina tries to take the box but the mechanical hands grab them and put them in the other box)'' :'''Katrina''': Gotcha! No! Let go of me! :'''Brattina''': Take your gunky hands off me! Eww! Icky! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Catgut is put into the box and they close the lid)'' :'''Katrina''': No! Get me out of here! Let me out I say! Where are we going?! ''(The plane door shuts and then the Air Mail plane takes off to Alaska)'' ---- ''(The Air Mail plane lands on the runway and stops) (Pound Puppies and Thunderhawk are wrapped up warm and getting out of the plane) :'''Katrina''': Oh! I’m freezing. And tha-a-at’s all the bunch of those c-c-c-crooked c-c-c-canines. Those mutts drive me nuts! ''(Katrina is now frozen, so Brattina and Catgut have to carry her)'' :'''Brattina''': Come on, Catgut. We have to go far with Mommy Dearest. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ---- :'''Nahook''': Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might. Have this wish I wish tonight. I wish I had a dog to pull my sled to victory. ''(Suddenly, he can hear a sled coming in)'' :'''Whopper''': Ho ho ho! Ho ho Idaho! :'''Nahook''': Who in the world are you? :'''Whopper''': I’m Santa Whopper, and I bought you a present. :'''Thunderhawk''': Hi. My name is Thunderhawk. You need a sled up for the big race? :'''Nahook''': Do I? You bet! :'''Thunderhawk''': And I’m your pup. ''(he licks Nahook)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Aww! Thunderhawk finally has a loving master to care for him! :'''Nahook''': Now listen, Thunderhawk, I want to win that race tomorrow. :'''Thunderhawk''': You got it, Nahook! :'''Nahook''': Great! We’re gonna leave Oran in the slush. :'''Cooler''': Whoa. Looks like winning a race is the only thing those who care about. ---- ''(At Pierre’s General Store)'' :'''Katrina''': Let’s see. We have dog traps, doormats, dog cage, kitty litter. :'''Brattina''': Well, bust my back already, why don’tcha! :'''Katrina''': Now, Pierre, what do you have in a vehicle that will smash anything in its path? :'''Pierre''': I see this may lose it to it now. ''(He presses the button and the door slides open revealing the snow-mobile)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! ---- :'''Race Recorder''': Welcome, Musketeers, to the Junior Cross Country Dog Sled Race. All teams report to the starting line. :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' Ready for the big event, Thunderhawk? :'''Thunderhawk''': No problem. We’re gonna win for sure. :'''Nose Marie''': Well, just as long as you have fun, darling. :'''Oran''': Hey, look! Nahook has a dog! Sort of puny dog, innit? ''(laughing)'' :'''Nahook''': Oh, yeah? Well, we’ll see who’s laughing when I cross the finish line first. :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Chill out, Nahook. You got to remember. Winning isn’t everything. :'''Nahook''': You’re right, Cooler. Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing. ---- :'''Race Recorder''': Musketeers, on your marks, get set… ''(Gunshot in off-screen)'' :'''Nahook''': Mush, Thunderhawk, mush! :'''Whopper''': Go get ‘em, Thunderhawk! :'''Bright Eyes''': We’re behind you all the way! ''(They hear snow-mobile coming in)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' Check out who’s behind us! Katrina Stoneheart! :'''Katrina''': Full speed ahead! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Cooler''': Crew, I believe this is a cute and discadoo! ''(They all run away from her and get on the sledge)'' :'''Cooler''': Howdy-up-aroo! ''(They sled down the hill before Katrina, Brattina and Catgut come at them)'' ''(They sing in a version of “Jingle Bells”)'' :'''Pound Puppies''': Dashing through the snow :In a pound pup open sleigh :O’er the fields we go :Barking all the way ''(barking)'' :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Trouble beaver trap :Makes up smart or shrap :I’ll take down the puppy pound :Makes that lots of fun :'''Pound Puppies''': Oh! Pound Puppies, Pound Puppies :Barking all the way :What a brach always fast :In a pound pup open sleigh :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Pound Puppies, Pound Puppies :There’s no place to run :What a tree the pups are beast :Doggy days are gone ''(They run into the snow dropping the net)'' ''(The polar bear notices the villains riding down the hill, so he chases them)'' ---- ''(At the cabin)'' :'''Brattina''': Nah-nah! We have the icky puppies like yucky rats! :'''Katrina''': ''(using the microphone)'' Pound Puppies, come out with your paws up but we’re coming in after you! What will it be? :'''Whopper''': You can’t take little Whopper alive, see? Yeah. It’s snow, see? ''(They throw snowballs at Katrina)'' :'''Katrina''': Ahh! All right then! We’re coming in! Brattina, get the net! :'''Brattina''': Totally bust my ears, why don’tcha! ---- :'''Cooler''': Quick, we’ll sneakaroo out the back way. ''(Howler opens the backdoor and they sneak out)'' :'''Cooler''': Keep running and don’t look back! :'''Howler''': And more importantly, don’t look down. ''(They stop running and look down at the river below)'' ''(So they run back and grab on a cliff)'' :'''Cooler''': Nose Marie, I believe the next line is yours. :'''Nose Marie''': Well, thank you, Cooler honey. ''(clears throat)'' HELP!! ---- :'''Katrina''': Brattina, I told you to get the net! How long is it going to take? :'''Brattina''': I don’t know, Mommy Dearest. You’ll have to ask stinky Mr. Polar Bear. ''(They notice the polar bear and they are chased away)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh! :'''Polar Bear''': ''(growls)'' :'''Katrina''': Run for your lives! :'''Polar Bear''': ''(growls)'' :'''Brattina''': Icky-icky-icky-poo poo-oo-oo! ---- :'''Cooler''': Yep, we’re still hanging around, but I don’t know about how much longer. ''(The edge of the ice begins to crack)'' :'''Nose Marie''': If only someone could save us! ---- ''(Meanwhile, Thunderhawk is taking the lead in the race)'' :'''Nahook''': That’s it, Thunderhawk! We’re winning! Faster, faster! ''(Thunderhawk is about to win but he notices the Pound Puppies via Puppy Power)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Save us! Please, somebody save us! :'''Nahook''': We’re gonna win, Thunderhawk! We’re gonna win! :'''Nose Marie''': ''(Off-screen)'' Please save us! :'''Thunderhawk''': We’re coming, Pound Puppies! :'''Nahook''': Thunderhawk, what are you doing? Get back on the trail! :'''Thunderhawk''': Something more important has come up, Nahook. :'''Nahook''': For what is more important down the house? ''(The edge of the ice is cracking)'' :'''Cooler''': I’m afraid this is the end of the trail, puparoos! ''(As it cracks, Thunderhawk saves them)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(sighs)'' Oh, my southern fried goodness! We’re saved! :'''Cooler''': Thanks to Thunderhawk! :'''All''': Hooray! ---- :'''Race Recorder''': And the winner of the Junior Cross Country Dog Sled Race is Laura Swanson! :'''All''': Hooray! :'''Oran''': Hey, nice race, Nahook. :'''Nahook''': Thanks, Oran. :'''Oran''': Better luck next time to both of us. ''(They laugh)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(sadly)'' Sorry we lost the race for you, Thunderhawk. :'''Thunderhawk''': ''(sighs)'' I guess I’m not a winner after all. :'''Nahook''': Are you kidding? You’re more than a winner. You’re a hero! And now we both know that there are more important things than winning. :'''Cooler''': Things like being a real pet. :'''Nahook''': You bet. :'''Thunderhawk''': That mean you still wanna adopt me? :'''Nahook''': More than everything. :'''Thunderhawk''': Alright! :'''Nose Marie''': You know what? They both look like winners to me. :'''Howler''': ''(howls off-screen)'' :'''Cooler''': Okay, crew, time to roll. We have to catch the late mail flight back to the pound. ''(They make their way back to the airport)'' :'''Whopper''': Cooler, do you think Katrina will get back to the pound before we do? :'''Cooler''': Gee. I don’t know, Whopper. ''(They can hear polar bear growling at the villains who run away from it)'' :'''Brattina''': Make it stop, Mommy Dearest! Make it stop! :'''Katrina''': Oh, Brattina, stop whining and just keep moving! :'''Cooler''': It depends on how fast she can run. ''(laughs)'' == Episode 30: Where’s the Fire? == :'''Katrina''': Ah! There’s a mongrel right outside the pound. ''(to Brattina)'' DO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS! :'''Brattina''': Well, scream like a banshee, why don’tcha! :'''Katrina''': Oh, stop complaining, Brattina! We have a dog to catch! == Episode 31: The Wonderful World of Whopper == :'''Beezer''': Boy, am I bored? Bored, bored, bordy bored, bored. I’m so bored, I could scream. ''(screams)'' :'''Whopper''': Ahoy, Beezer! How can you be bored with us? All kinds of fun stuff to do around here. :'''Beezer''': Oh. ''(yawning)'' Oh, yeah? Like what? :'''Whopper''': Like, uh, well, let’s see. Like swinging through the jungle for instance? :'''Beezer''': I think your flea color’s on too tight, Whopper. What jungle? :'''Whopper''': I’ll show ya. See my jungle treehouse here? :'''Beezer''': That’s just your dumb old boring doghouse. :'''Whopper''': Yeah, but you can pretend it’s anything you want! Watch this! == Episode 32: Bright Lights, Bright Eyes == :'''Cooler''': Well, today’s the day, Bright Eyes. It’s Talent Show City. :'''Nose Marie''': Are you ready to sing your heart out, honey lam? :'''Bright Eyes''': Ooh, ready and rating to go. I’m gonna knock their socks off. Wish me luck! Although, I know I don’t need it. :'''Cooler''': Hmm. If this is a bragging contest, Bright Eyes will win first place-a-rooney. == Episode 33: Dog and Caterpillar == :'''Whopper''': Cooler! Nose Marie! Bright Eyes! Howler! Help! :'''Cooler''': Whoa! What’s the problem-o? :'''Whopper''': It’s Squiggle! He’s gone! I can’t find him anywhere! :'''Nose Marie''': I thought I saw him wiggling up the little old pupscalator. ''(Whopper runs up the pupscalator)'' :'''Whopper''': Oh, no! Catgut will get him up there! :'''Cooler''': Oh, what a goof! I shoulda warned Whopper that someday his caterpillar pal would have to move on. == Episode 34: Garbage Night: The Musical == :'''Holly''': Here it is! The Pets ‘R’ People Too Restaurant. :'''Cooler''': Whoa, a dress code! No furs, no feathers, no food. :'''Holly''': Right. That’s because it’s only for pet on us and airy animals. :'''Bright Eyes''': What a nifty neato idea! It’s like feeding time at the zoo! :'''Whopper''': Yeah, but they’re eating vegetables and stuffing’s good for ya. I wanna eat junk food. == Episode 35: Peter Pup == ''(At the Wizard of Howls’)'' :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': Oh, mighty Wizard of Howls! We need your help. :'''Nose Marie (Sparkle)''': Tell us how to defeat that wicked ol’ witch Lies-a-lot. :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': You’re our last hope. :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': I am. I am. Well, isn’t that special? ''(howls)'' :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': We’re doomed. :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': L-L-Let me just check my book of spells. A book ski-doodle our book ski-die. Flap see all your pages and fly! ''(Books of spells fly and spin faster and faster around Wizard of Howls)'' :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': Ah, this is how I studied for tests at Wizard School. Nothing better these dizzy spells, but I’m not afraid now. ''(howls)'' I found it! Ah, here’s the way to put the kibosh on Queen Lies-a-Lot. :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': So what do we do? Cast a spell? Mix a potion? Change your kitty litter or what? :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': ''(looking at the book)'' The only way to start our evil is for the puppy who told the lies to admit it. :'''Nose Marie (Sparkle)''': Now if we only knew who the little ol’ fipper was. ''(Peter Pup imagines it is Whopper in his diaper)'' :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': I may be wrong. But my hunch is it’s that dude in the diaper. == Episode 36: Cooler, Come Back == ''(They arrive at the Ends of the Earth)'' :'''Katrina''': Here we are! The Ends of the Earth. Now, to unload our cargo, ''(She reverses backwards over the cliff)'' and give Cooler a bon voyage. ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Katrina, Brattina and Catgut get out of the truck and go to the back, but she realizes that Cooler has escaped)'' :'''Katrina''': No. No! No! That blasted animal’s GONE! ''(The cliff begins to crumble)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! What a icky mess, Mommy Dearest! :'''Katrina''': That’s the sound of the dark crumbling beneath our feet. ''(The cliff collapses and they fall and land into the river)'' :'''All''': Whoa! :'''Katrina''': I’ll get even with you, Cooler! Wherever you ARE!! ''(They fall over the waterfall)'' == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Sitcoms]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]] [[Category:ABC animated TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:Freeform shows]] [[Category:TV shows set in Los Angeles]] 52uixczanji0iq7mwbbsjbl1w4akpwx 3955047 3955046 2026-06-21T12:07:50Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 /* Episode 25: The Bright Eyes Mob */ 3955047 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Pound Puppies (1986 TV series)|Pound Puppies]]''''' is an animated series that premiered on ABC in the United States from September 13, 1986 until December 19 1987. == Episode 1: Bright Eyes, Come Home == ''(The episode begins with tough alley cats trying to catch Bright Eyes, so they jump but they are hit in the manhole lid by Cooler)'' :'''Cooler''': Excuse me? Is this the meeting of alley cat’s anonymous? :'''Bright Eyes''': Cooler! :'''Cooler''': Oh, and I see you started the festivities without me. Rats! I miss all the fun! ''(giggles)'' ''(But the alley cats are getting up and about to catch them)'' :'''Cooler''': Oh, oh, really? Bright Eyes and I would just love to stay in party with you, kitties, except the… Hey! We’re allergic to catnip! ''(giggles)'' Ciao for now! But let’s do lunch real soon, gang! ''(The alley cats jump as Cooler grabs Bright Eyes into the manhole before they stand on it)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Aww, thanks, Cooler. You saved my life. :'''Cooler''': ''(laughs)'' Anytime, Bright Eyes! Anytime! But just tell me one thing. Where have you been?! We’ve been looking everywhere for you! :'''Bright Eyes''': I’m sorry, Cooler. I’ve just been out wandering around, hoping to find myself a home. I sure wish somebody would adopt me. :'''Cooler''': And as fearless leader of the Pound Puppies. It’s my swarm duty to help this pup get adopted into a hap-hap-happy home! :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(giggles)'' Cooler, you’re a coup! :'''Cooler''': And so the heroic crook carries the fair damsel dog in distress back to the puppy pound, where a big surprise is awaiting her! She may find a new home yet because deli people from all over are coming to the pound to adopt… Pound Puppies! ---- :'''Katrina''': Good evening, Holly dear. How did adoption day go? :'''Holly''': Very well, Auntie Katrina. :'''Brattina''': Did you make enough money to pay your electric bill, ha, did ya? Ha, ha. Did ya? :'''Holly''': As a matter of fact, Brattina, we made more than enough. Take a look for yourself… ''(She notices that the money is gone)'' What? The money! It’s gone! ''(Pound Puppies gasp)'' :'''Holly''': ''(Off-screen)'' It’s not here! The money’s gone! :'''Katrina''': Oh, that’s too, too bad, Holly. Now what are you going to do? :'''Holly''': I-I don’t know. :'''Katrina''': Well, you better think of something, dear. Because if that bill isn’t paid in one week, I’m afraid you’ll lose the pound…to me! ---- ''(Sammy Quentin is reading the newspaper while Bright Eyes is relaxing in her bikini and looking at the magazine)'' :'''Cooler''': Psst. Hey, Bright Eyes, how about an autograph? :'''Bright Eyes''': Cooler! Nose Marie! :'''Nose Marie''': Shh! We don’t want to disturb the great Hollywood director. :'''Cooler''': Yeah. So tell us, kid. What’s it like being a famous actress? :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh, it’s so boring! All I do is sit around all day waiting for my next scene to be shot. :'''Nose Marie''': Well, your last performance got rave reviews, darling. It was in just all the papers. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(reading)'' “Dog steals fortunes and gems.” Oh. Oh, no! Oh, what have I done? :'''Cooler''': Upsetting, isn’t it? :'''Bright Eyes''': I’ll say. This picture could ruin my career. Well, that settles it. I’m retiring from show business. :'''Cooler''': Eh, not quite yet, Bright Eyes. To clear your name, you have to give a final farewell performance. :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh. Very well. I suppose I owe it to my public. :'''Cooler''': Uh, yeah. So, here’s what I want you to do, ''(whispering in her ear)''. :'''Bright Eyes''': I like it. I like it! ''(giggles)'' :'''Sammy Quentin''': What? “Katrina Stoneheart buys world’s largest ruby?” I don’t believe it! My old friend Katrina! ''(laughing)'' This should be like taking candy from a baby! ''(laughing again)'' Oh, Bright Eyes, I’ve just found your next starring role! In fact, we’ll start filming tonight. :'''Bright Eyes''': I wouldn’t miss it for the world. == Episode 2: How to Found a Pound == ''(At the HQ, they can hear the sound of barking)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': What is it, Howler? :'''Howler''': It’s Cooler! He picked up the lost pup. We’ve got an emergency on our paws. ''(howls)'' Let’s go. ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': And this is where you’ll stay until some nice person comes to adopt you. :'''Shaky''': ''(gasps)'' Person? Uh-uh. No way, Jose. I’m not going near any one of those people things. ''(Holly and Cooler come to see Shaky)'' :'''Holly''': Uh, is he okay? :'''Shaky''': ''(whimpers)'' :'''Holly''': Uh, don’t be afraid. I’m not gonna hurt you. ''(Shaky whimpers again)'' :'''Cooler''': Shaky, hey, hey! Mellow out, kid! It’s just Holly. What’s your beef? :'''Shaky''': It-It’s those bad humans. You can’t trust them. :'''Holly''': Yeah, I know what you mean. We don’t trust the bad ones, either. :'''Shaky''': You-You-You don’t? :'''Cooler''': Of course not! But not every human is bad. So listen up and dig this dog tale about one of the good ones. ---- ''(Millicent is busy washing the dishes)'' :'''Cooler''': Millie, what do you think you’re doing? :'''Millicent''': I’m washing the dishes. Why? :'''Cooler''': You’ve got to stop working so hard, sweetheart. You look tired. :'''Millicent''': I do? :'''Cooler''': Absolutamente! What you need is a maid. ''(He helps Howler as a maid come in)'' :'''Howler''': Thanks for not embarrassing me. :'''Millicent''': ''(chuckles)'' Merciful heavens! He’s just the funniest thing I’ve ever seen! :'''Cooler''': Then he can stay on as your mate? :'''Millicent''': Oh, ho! Anything! ''(chuckles)'' Anything! :'''Cooler''': Good! ''(He opens the door with more dogs dancing)'' :'''Cooler''': Now, how about the butler, the gardener and the chauffeur? ---- :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' In a few shakes of a dog’s tail, Millie’s house became the haven for homeless canines. But while this party was the coolest, there was a certain party down the street. Her name strikes fear into sane dogs everywhere, Katrina Stoneheart, along with her poor excuse for a pet, Catgut, ''(Catgut meows)'' and her nyah-nyah daughter, Brattina. ''(They can hear dogs barking outside)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, those awful dogs are barking again! Make them stop, Mommy Dearest! Make them stop! :'''Katrina''': I CAN’T STAND IT! Oh -ho-ho-ho! Oh! ''(tearing a paper)'' Oh, I hate the sound of dogs. I hate the smell of dogs. I hate the eyes, ears, noses and even the tails of dogs. :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' We hate the doggies! We hate the doggies! :'''Katrina''': I’ll figure out a way to make great-great aunt Millie get rid of these dogs, or I’ll just scream! ''(poking Brattina’s nose)'' Now, Brattina, go do your chores! :'''Brattina''': But, Mommy Dearest! That’s why we let Holly live here. :'''Katrina''': So, it is. So, it is. Holly! :'''Holly''': Good afternoon, Auntie Katrina. Good afternoon, Brattina. :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Blah! Blah! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': I’m going down to Millie Trueblood’s house. Your chores better be down when I get back. :'''Holly''': Yes, ma’am! ''(She leaves)'' :'''Katrina''': Holly is so cute. I hate cute! I put cute in the blender. ---- ''(Someone is knocking at the door)'' :'''Millicent''': Now who could that be? ''(gasps)'' Why hello, Katrina. :'''Katrina''': Don’t give me any of that sweet stuff, great Aunt Millicent! This is the showdown! ''(Dogs wake up and bark at her)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Millicent''': What’s this? :'''Katrina''': Oh, just something from the Board of Health. Forcing you to get rid of these mangy mutts once and for all! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' So that rotten Katrina Stoneheart was gonna force us pups out into the street and there was nothing Millie could do about it. :'''Howler''': ''(howling nervously)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' As it turned out, Millie couldn’t hang on much longer. :'''Millicent''': Cooler, I love you all very much, but the time has come for me to go. :'''Cooler''': ''(sadly)'' Oh. Hey, quit clowning, Millie. What’ll we do without you? :'''Millicent''': Don’t worry, my dears. With puppy power, I’ll always be with you. If not in my bedside memories. ---- ''(Pound Puppies feel very sad when Millie has passed away)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' And so, at the age of 101 years old, Millie Trueblood went on to her great reward. She was truly a dog’s best friend. :'''Howler''': ''(sadly howling)'' ---- ''(At the Puppy Pound, Pound Puppies and Holly are so depressed that they have lost a good friend)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' Holly took care of us for the next few days, but we were all in the dumps, ooh, especially Howler. :'''Howler''': I’m so depressed. :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' Then all of a sudden, things went from bad to pit city. ''(But Katrina Stoneheart, along with Brattina and Catgut, come to Millie’s Puppy Pound)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' Well, Holly, it looks like all your cute little puppy friends will have to find a new place to live. :'''Holly''': What do you mean, Auntie Katrina? :'''Katrina''': It’s perfectly simple, my dear. My aunt Millie didn’t leave a will. So, her estate, the house and this flea trap will automatically go to her next of kin namely me. ''(They all gasp)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' We’re gonna be rich! We’re gonna be rich! :'''Holly''': But why can’t the puppies stay here? :'''Katrina''': Because I am going to tear down this dump and put up condos! ''(laughs evilly)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': At 10am tomorrow, it’s mine, all mine! That’s when the judge will hand me the deed to Millie’s estate. :'''Brattina''': Then it’s goodbye, puppy pound! ''(Catgut destroys the model puppy pound)'' :'''Katrina''': And hello, Stoneheart condominiums! ''(They laugh evilly)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': Okay, team, we’ve got just one chance to save the pound from the clutches of our rival… ''(flipping round the board)'' Katrina Stoneheart! :'''All''': Ooh! :'''Cooler''': We have to score the big touchdown and find Millie’s will! Pound Puppies, let’s get pounding! :'''All''': Hooray! :'''Bright Eyes''': 2, 4, 6, 8! Who do we depreciate? :'''Howler, Nose Marie and Whopper''': Cooler! Cooler! Hooray! :'''Cooler''': I love a team that respects its coach. ''(laughs)'' ---- ''(The rooster crows off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Alas and the lack! We’ll never find that little old will. :'''Howler''': We’ve looked everywhere! :'''Whopper''': ''(popping out Howler’s hat)'' And we mean everywhere. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(exhausted)'' 2, 4, 6, 8! Can’t find the will! It’s getting late! :'''Cooler''': Don’t give up now, team. It’s always darkest before the dawn. :'''Nose Marie''': But, Cooley honey, it’s past dawn. The rooster has already crowed his last cock-a-doodle-doo. :'''Cooler''': This is no time for chickening out, Nose Marie. We still have till 10am. ---- :'''Katrina''': So, you honor, being Millicent Trueblood’s only living relative, I’ve come to demand the deed to her estate. :'''Brattina''': And close down that icky-poo dog pound, right, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': Yes, Brattina, dear. It’s a dream come true. :'''Attorney''': Well, then. Let’s proceed with the formalities of reading the deed. “To it. Here in stated the wherewithal of the party of the first part being under the conditions and terms of the party of the second part, and the party of the third part not… :'''Katrina''': ''(sighs)'' This could take forever. :'''Attorney''': …does the party of the first part.” ---- :'''Cooler''': So, Shaky, there may be a few rotten apples in this cooky place we call a world. But if you just keep your peepers aglow, you’ll find the good ones. :'''Shaky''': That was a keen story, Cooler. And look, I’m not afraid of people anymore! :'''Holly''': And we’re gonna find your home with people who will love you. :'''Nose Marie''': Speaking of love, Cooler honey bunny. Sugar plum, there’s still a full moon out. ''(She is about to kiss Cooler but he dodges and she actually kisses Howler)'' :'''Howler''': Did you just… uh, no, nose, on my lips? A whole face? You… You put on… ''(howls)'' I never knew you cared. ''(Then he falls and lies down)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(to Cooler)'' I do believe my sugar lips have missed their intended destination. :'''Cooler''': ''(chuckles)'' ''(Then Nose Marie kisses him and then he also falls and lies down)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Bullseye! ''(laughs)'' == Episode 3: From Wags to Riches == :'''Brattina''': Who’s coming, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': Mmm. Investors, Brattina. Investors in this scheme that will get rid of those Pound Puppies once and for all. ''(Suddenly, they hear the car pulling over)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh. My investors are here. ''(The car driver lets the Belveshires out of the car)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(happily)'' Lord and Lady Belveshire, the third richest couple in the country. And I intend to take them for an absolute fortune. ---- :'''Holly''': So that’s her plan! She’s gonna close us down and put up condos. :'''Cooler''': Not if we can help it. Come on, Buster. Your tornado act might come in handy. :'''Buster''': Certainly! ---- ''(Holly and the Pound Puppies are going inside the Belveshires’ mansion)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(using the binoculars)'' All the puppies are inside, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': Now’s your chance, Catgut. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': I want you and your friends to sneak into that house and shred everything inside. ''(Catgut whistles to his friends who come to see him and stop)'' :'''Katrina''': But don’t let anyone see you. I want those flea-bitten puppies to take them blame. ''(Catgut and his friends sneak up to their mansion)'' :'''Katrina''': Good luck! And have a ripping good time! ''(laughs evilly)'' == Episode 4: Snowbound Pound == :'''Whopper''': We made it! Doc Weston’s office! :'''Cooler''': Thanks, Mac. Keep the change! :'''Cab Driver''': I hate getting paid with rawhide doggie chews. ---- :'''Mr. Nabbit''': Oh now, actually, according to the manual here, the pipe goes into lug nut D. :'''Katrina''': I’ll fix your lug nuts if you don’t get me out of here! :'''Mr. Nabbit''': I’m gonna follow the instructions, Miss Stoneheart. :'''Katrina''': Brattina! Get me a can opener! == Episode 5: The Fairy Dogmother == :'''Catgut''': ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Catgut puts the dog head suit over his head and runs off and pushes the trash cans over)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(barks like a dog)'' :'''Cat Thug #1''': Hey! It’s that sloppy mutt who’s been disturbing the peace! :'''Cat Thug #2''': Let’s teach him some manners! ''(Cat Thugs chase Catgut disguising as a dog)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Catgut runs off but Zazu puts a spell on him)'' :'''Zazu''': Kitty-cat, you’re out of luck! The zipper on your suit is stuck! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Cat Thugs come to a stop and are about to attack him)'' :'''Cat Thug #2''': Okay, buddy. We’re gonna put an end to your one-dog Wrecking Crew! ''(Cat Thugs attack Catgut in disguise and he runs off then Cat Thugs go after him)'' :'''Cooler''': Looks like Catgut’s really gone to the dogs. ---- ''(Brattina sees Holly dancing with Mervin)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, look! Holly’s here and she’s dancing with my Mervin! :'''Katrina''': How did she get here? Well, I’ll put a stop to this. == Episode 6: Whopper Cries Uncle == ''(Holly and Pound Puppies are sitting outside of the pound)'' :'''Holly''': But no food and no money, I’ll have to close down the pound. :'''Bright Eyes''': Don’t worry, everybody. We’ll get by without money or food. We can live on love! :'''Nose Marie''': ''(chuckles)'' How’s that sound to you, Cooler honey? :'''Cooler''': I’d rather have some loose change in a baloney sandwich, thank you very much. ''(Katrina drives and stops on a muddy puddle splashing on them)'' :'''Brattina''': Bye, Holly! We’re going to the dog hater’s convention! Yah! :'''Katrina''': And we won’t be back until late tonight. :'''Brattina''': So try to hose yourself up before we get back. :'''Katrina''': Aren’t we the mean ones though! ''(Katrina and Brattina laugh evilly)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(scoffs)'' If abate’s so terribly ladylike, I’d give Katrina’s ankle bone a severe nibbing. ''(Suddenly, they hear Uncle J.R. howling somewhere)'' :'''Cooler''': Sounds like a hologram. :'''Howler''': It’s for Whopper. Dear Nephew, stop. I’m stopping by puppy pound today for brief. Stop, stop. Your Uncle J.R. Whopper. Stop. Stop, stop. == Episode 7: In Pups We Trust == :'''Cooler''': All right, pups! It’s time for operation find Howler! Nose Marie, Bright Eyes, Whopper, hit the streets! :'''All''': Righto! :'''Cooler''': Sherlock, you and the other pups help Holly with the repairs. :'''Sherlock Bones''': A-yup, a-yup, a-yup! :'''Cooler''': Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! :'''All''': Hooray! == Episode 8: The Captain and the Cats == ''(Cooler and Nose Marie are about to rescue them, but the Mouseketeers stop and turn to them)'' :'''Mouseketeer #1''': Egad! Small dogs! :'''Mouseketeer #2''': Go away! Shoo! Scat! :'''Cooler''': What do you mean? We’re trying to save you, cookie cats. This truck’s on a one-way trip to Palookaville. :'''Mouseketeer #3''': Mind your own business, governor. We’re-We’re on a vital mission. ''(Cooler and Mouseketeer #3 let go)'' :'''Mouseketeer #1''': Yes, indeed. The next time you start to rescue someone, why don’t you ask permission first? :'''Cooler''': Oh, boy. You cats were confused, but these dudes are out to lunch. == Episode 9: Secret Agent Pup == :'''Katrina''': Ah! Oh, a day on the beach has worked wonders for me, girls. :'''Holly''': You do seem more relaxed, Auntie Katrina. :'''Katrina''': Oh, I am, Holly. I feel like all my Pap-puppy troubles are behind me. ''(Suddenly, she can hear cars revving up and coming in)'' :'''Katrina''': Puppies! Puppies! Lots and lots of puppies! :'''Brattina''': Icky, icky, icky-poo! :'''Holly''': Cooler? :'''Cooler''': We’ll explain later, Holly! Ciao for now! :'''Katrina''': Puppies! Puppies! ''(howls)'' == Episode 10: Wagga-Wagga == :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' The captain’s found the booklet! The captain’s found the booklet! Jumpy-joy! Boy, oh boy! The captain’s found the booklet! :'''Captain Slaughter''': ''(speaking in foreign language)'' :'''Katrina''': Dog fur coats! Here we come! The Puppy Pelter is ready for blast-off! Brattina! How do we start this thing? :'''Brattina''': Uh, it’s hard to tell, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': ''(Off-screen)'' What do you mean? :'''Brattina''': ''(She shows Katrina)'' The instruction booklet’s written in Chinese. :'''Katrina''': NO! It can’t be! Not Chinese! No! No, no! Why did I ever study French?! I CAN’T STAND IT! == Episode 11: The Star Pup == :'''Byron''': And now what makes you think you have to stop up? :'''Whopper''': I know all about stars and pups. ''(imagining the ball is in high falling)'' In fact, we may have some more of pups used to live on a star. Yeah boy, it was in high. A mill… zill… A kabillion degrees. ''(imagining he and pups look at the temperature going up higher then pops, drinking water and flies the spaceship)'' But we stay cool by drinking lots of water and keeping the flying saucer’s windows rolled down. Yeah! :'''Byron''': You know, I wish this kid had some Rye Bread. I hate for all that baloney to go to waste. Well, the star pup must be honest and true, and that eliminates you. ''(Whopper falls through the trap door)'' == Episode 12: Happy Howlidays == ''(Holly is putting little kennels with pups on the back of the sleigh)'' :'''Holly''': The sleigh’s all loaded up. :'''Cooler''': Then let’s hitch up our reindeer and hit the road! Hey, Rudolph, front and center! :'''Howler''': Rudolph, Shmoo-Dolph! How do we get talked into these things? :'''All''': Hooray! ''(They all set off)'' :'''Cooler''': By the way, Holly, where’d you find all these great presents to hand out? :'''Holly''': I bought ‘em. :'''Cooler''': With what? Money. May I be so bold as to ask, perchance? :'''Holly''': With the pound’s money! :'''Nose Marie''': The pound’s money? You mean we had money left over after paying the bills? :'''Holly''': What bills? We haven’t gotten any bills since July. Isn’t that wonderful? :'''Nose Marie''': Wonderful? I’d say it’s downright fishy. :'''Cooler''': ''(sniffs)'' And it has the distinct aroma of Katrina Stoneheart. ---- :'''Holly''': Closed? But how can you close the pound? :'''Chief Williams''': I’m sorry to do this on Christmas Eve, Holly, but the pound is so behind in its bills. Well, I just had to close it down. I’m very sorry. ''(Dog whines)'' :'''Holly''': What bills is he talking about? We didn’t get any bills. :'''Katrina''': Oh, Holly! :'''Cooler''': This may be your answer coming down the street. :'''Katrina''': I have a Christmas present for you. Five months of overdue bills! You can possibly pay them! ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Brattina drops all the letters over Holly)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Yah-yah! Read ‘em and weep! :'''Holly''': I can’t believe this! :'''Katrina''': Well, it’s true. Now come home, young lady. You’re going straight to bed. :'''Holly''': No! I wanna stay with the puppies! ''(Katrina drags Holly)'' :'''Katrina''': Too bad! You’re coming home this instant! :'''Holly''': No, you can’t do this! Please, Auntie Katrina! Please! ''(Katrina laughs evilly)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howling sadly)'' ---- ''(Off-screen)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(sobs)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina! What is wrong with you? :'''Brattina''': I didn’t get anything for Christmas. It’s not fair! ''(crying)'' :'''Katrina''': What do you mean, my little jalapeno? All these presents are for you. :'''Brattina''': But it’s not enough, Mommy Dearest! I didn’t get my bitter piranha bathtub toy, or my Suzy Spit-up Doll, or my… :'''Katrina''': Oh, Brattina, stop whining! You should be grateful, you’re not one of those wretched Pound Puppies freezing out in the cold! Just look at them! They don’t even have a home for Christmas and they’re not crying! ''(They see the neighborhood outside)'' :'''Brattina''': Boy! I’ll say they’re not crying. They look happy, Mommy Dearest! :'''Katrina''': What? What are those people doing out there? Why aren’t they home opening their gifts? Don’t they know it’s Christmas? ---- :'''Holly''': Oh, puppies! It looks like Santa’s been here, and these love presents for everyone! A million, a billion… A kazillion presents! Yeah! :'''Whopper''': Oh, boy! ''(Pound Puppies but Cooler go into the pound)'' :'''Grey Cat''': ''(meows)'' :'''Cooler''': Psst. Kitty, want some warm milk? :'''Grey Cat''': ''(meows)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(to the audience)'' Well, you can’t expect every episode to end with a joke. Happy Holidays, kids! ''(Cooler goes back into the pound)'' == Episode 13: Ghost Hounders == :'''Whopper''': Oh, what a guy! ''(After his imagination)'' :'''Whopper''': And that’s the story of how we were all rescued by Wonder Whopper and Biff Barker the world’s greatest ghost hounder. :'''Nose Marie''': Whopper, where do you dream up all this nonsense about Biff Barker? :'''Whopper''': But there’s not nonsense! He’s a star of the ghost hounder’s TV show. ''(He goes back to his house)'' :'''Whopper''': And I’m an official member… No. The treasure… Oh. The president of the Biff Barker fan club. Yeah. ''(pushing the lever down and all his things come out)'' Biff Barker’s an honest-to-goodness real ghost hounder and my hero! :'''Cooler''': Hmm. I wonder if Biff Barker ever ran into the ghost of the Terrible Terrier! :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(chuckles)'' Ghost of the Terrible Terrier? :'''Holly''': Yes! The ghost of the Terrible Terrier! Late at night, you can hear a moan. :'''Cooler''': A ghoulish, gruesome, ghastly groan. He calls “I’ll get you! I’ll get you! I’ll get you!” ''(They shiver as they think they can get them)'' :'''Cooler''': Boo! ''(The other Pound Puppies are scared and running off)'' ''(Cooler and Holly laugh)'' :'''Holly''': We got him good with that one, Cooler! ''(But the ghost of the Terrible Terrier laughs behind them)'' :'''Holly''': We’ve already scared them enough, Cooler. Don’t overdo it. :'''Cooler''': That wasn’t me. ''(The Terrible Terrier roars at them)'' :'''Holly''': It’s the Terrible Terrier! :'''Cooler''': Well, it ain’t rimp tin tin! ''(The Terrible Terrier roars at them)'' :'''The Terrible Terrier''': Pound Puppies! Be gone from here by midnight tomorrow, or else! :'''Whopper''': Or else what, doggy breath? ''(The Terrible Terrier spits the dirt out to them and leaves)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(to Whopper)'' You had to ask. ---- :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Holly believes in ghosts! Holly believes in ghosts! Only fools believe in ghouls! Holly believes in ghosts! :'''Katrina''': Oh, Holly. Of all the silly willy stories. :'''Holly''': But it’s true, Auntie Katrina! It was a real ghost and he warned us to leave the pound by midnight tonight! :'''Katrina''': Now, now, Holly. You probably just had a nightmare. We all know there are no such things as ghosts. Oh! Well, ta-ta, girls. I’m off. ''(She opens the door but here comes the Terrible Terrier)'' :'''The Terrible Terrier''': ''(roars)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(screaming)'' :'''Brattina''': Yuck! Ugh, yuck! :'''The Terrible Terrier''': I warn you! Be gone by midnight, or else! ''(He runs up the chimney)'' :'''Brattina''': It’s gone, Mommy Dearest. The disgusting icky-poo ghost is gone. :'''Katrina''': And so are we! We’re moving out of this house by tonight. :'''Holly''': Move? But what about my Puppies? :'''Brattina''': Who cares about your icky-poo puppies? :'''Katrina''': Now, now, Brattina, Holly cares very much for those, those hideous mongrels. Oh, well, I suppose we could all move, Holly. The puppies too. :'''Holly''': You mean it, Auntie Katrina? The puppies can come with us? :'''Katrina''': Yes, dear, if that’s what you want. :'''Holly''': Gosh! Thanks, Auntie Katrina! This is wonderful! :'''Katrina''': You don’t know the half of it, girlie. ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(They laugh evilly)'' ---- :'''Nose Marie''': So, that’s where Katrina was packing us off to. Why, that woman’s nothing more than a… ''(A “CENSORED” sign appears followed by a cuckoo clock sound)'' :'''Nose Marie''': That’s what she is! :'''Cooler''': Ooh, please! Nose Marie, try to clean up your language! :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, well, pardon my little ol’ peaches. == Episode 14: Whopper Gets the Point == ''(Dr. Simon pulls the handle of the bell and then the cat bell rings)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, Dr. Simon. Please do come in and give the puppies their painful shots. :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Give the dogs a shot! Make them cry a lot! Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Lots of painful shots! :'''Dr. Simon''': Actually, the shots aren’t that painful. The dogs will barely feel a thing. :'''Brattina''': Bummer! :'''Katrina''': A total bummer. :'''Dr. Simon''': All right, Holly, I’m ready. Would you please bring me the dogs? All the dogs. :'''Holly''': Sure thing, Dr. Simon. Let’s go, puppies. Shot time. ---- :'''Dr. Simon''': I’m finished, Miss Stoneheart. Here’s my bill. :'''Katrina''': Huh! This is the last time I spend money on shots that don’t hurt. It’s an outrage! :'''Dr. Simon''': Good day, Miss Stoneheart. ''(Katrina looks at the bill Dr. Simon gave her)'' :'''Katrina''': Wait a minute. You build me for 10 shots. There are only 5 dogs in this pound. :'''Dr. Simon''': Nope. They were 10. ''(Pound Puppies take their disguises off)'' :'''Brattina''': It's Cooler and those icky-poo gang. :'''Katrina''': And I just paid for their shots! Stop them! ''(They try to stop them, but Pound Puppies rush off before Katrina, Brattina and Catgut land on the mud)'' :'''Pound Puppies''': Follow us, puparoos! ''(Pound Puppies leave the pound and then the other puppies bark and follow them)'' :'''Brattina''': They escaped, Mommy Dearest! Cooler helped every one of your yucky puppies get away! :'''Katrina''': I hate those dogs! ---- ''(Five puppies are adopted by each of five kids and they bark)'' :'''Whopper''': Five happy puppies and five happy adoptions! :'''Cooler''': Well, when it comes to adoptions, I guess you could call us, Pound Puppies, a bunch of big shots. ''(laughs)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howling)'' == Episode 15: The Bird Dog == ''(Later in the evening, Katrina, Brattina and Catgut are looking for puppies somewhere to catch but they hear dogs barking)'' :'''Brattina''': Hear that, Mommy Dearest? It’s that icky-poo puppy and her yucky bird. :'''Katrina''': I know, but where are they hiding? ''(They hear them barking underground)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Brattina''': Catgut says they’re under the gunky ground. :'''Katrina''': Worms and gophers are underground, you furball. Not dogs and birds. Now quit clowning around. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': Your rebel days are through, Cooler! ---- :'''Cooler''': We were so busy with Cheep-Cheep. We almost forgot to find Schap a home. :'''Nose Marie''': Your new masters are waiting, Schap honey. ''(Schap comes to his masters and licks them)'' :'''Cooler''': Hey, guys. Nice job! And like I always say “May birds and dogs of a feather flock together.” ''(laughs)'' :'''All''': Yay! :'''Bright Eyes''': Cheep, cheep, cheep! :'''Cheep-Cheep''': ''(tweeting in a barking way)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(laughs)'' I couldn’t have said it better myself. ''(laughs)'' == Episode 16: Tail of the Pup == ''(Truck saying “Dog Catcher” arrives at the puppy pound; gate opens then truck enters and stops) (Four new puppies are barking at the back of the truck while Pound Puppies pop out watching them)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(writing down on the clipboard)'' Four more cute little old pups ready for adoption, Cooler. :'''Cooler''': Let’s just hope they’re ready to meet the evil queen of creepiness. Katrina Stoneheart. ''(Katrina, Brattina and Catgut come out with a box on the wheelbarrow)'' ''(As the coast is clear, they all sneak up passing Holly who is watering the plants)'' :'''Holly''': Howdy, guys. :'''All''': Howdy, Holly. :'''Katrina''': Welcome, doggies. Now, let’s get one thing straight right off the bat. You’ll never escape from my pound! NEVER! ''(blowing the pups into the cage)'' ''(Catgut shuts the cage door)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows then laughs in an evil grin)'' :'''Brattina''': And no one can help you, not even Cooler and his icky-poo puppy pals. :'''Bright Eyes''': Golly gee! :'''Whopper''': That’s us! :'''Katrina''': And if Cooler’s pack shows up around here, we’ll be waiting with… the Vacuum Vortex. ''(The box opens revealing the Vacuum Vortex and then Katrina turns it on)'' :'''Four Puppies''': Yipe! ''(The Vacuum Vortex eats the wanted poster and locks it up in the cage)'' :'''Katrina''': Cooler and his mongrel mob will be turned into a canine cage! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Cooler''': Yes, folks! It dices, it slices, and it’s only 1995! ''(laughs)'' ''(However, the Vacuum Vortex sniffs along and he is about to eat them)'' :'''Cooler''': Uh-oh! It’s on to us, crew! Let’s hit the pain! ''(They all slide down to the HQ before it eats the garbage cans)'' :'''Katrina''': Why is that bucket of boats chewing up garbage cans? :'''Brattina''': Maybe it’s hungry. :'''Katrina''': Blasted contraption must need a tune-up. Take it back to the garage, Brattina! :'''Brattina''': Yes, sure, Mommy Dearest. Come on, Vacuum. ---- :'''Holly''': Don’t worry, puppies. You have more friends here than you think. ''(The trapdoor opens sending them down to the HQ)'' :'''Cooler''': Forget about Katrina, pups and puppets. We have some tail wagging good news. So listen up. ''(Their ears point up as they listen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': We’re gonna find each and every one of you. :'''Cooler''': A hap-hap-happy home! :'''Four Puppies''': Yeah! ''(Then they wags their tails except Pal who doesn’t get his tail wagging)'' ''(Whopper notices Pal’s tail with his magnifying glass)'' :'''Whopper''': By Jove, Pal, old chap! What’s wrong with your tail? It should be wagging. :'''Pal''': I don’t know. My tail never wags. :'''Bright Eyes''': It never wags? :'''Nose Marie and Cooler''': It never wags? :'''Pal''': It never wags. And no one wants to adopt the pup whose tail won’t wag. :'''Nose Marie''': ''(picking him up)'' Now don’t you worry your cute little old head, Pal, dear. :'''Cooler''': Because we’re gonna fix your wagger. :'''Whopper''': And for emergencies like this, who do you call? Young Doctor Whopper! ''(He pokes his tail to make it straight)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': What do you make of it, doc? :'''Whopper''': I think it’s a tail. :'''Cooler''': That much we know, but why won’t it wag? :'''Whopper''': Its batteries must be worn out, but I think we’ll have to operate. :'''Pal''': Operate? What for? :'''Whopper''': To install a new tail. :'''Cooler''': ''(chuckles)'' You’re barking up the wrong tree, Whopper. :'''Nose Marie''': Pal doesn’t need a new tail. He needs a reason to wag his own tail. :'''Cooler''': So, let’s give him a reason. Let’s cheer up this pup! :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh, oh! Cheering up is my specialty! :'''Nose Marie''': Then, Bright Eyes, do your stuff! :'''Bright Eyes''': All right! ''(picking Pal up on her head)'' Come on, Pal! Quit your dragging! It’s time to set your tail wagon. Let’s have fun. No more gloom. Welcome to the Rumpus Room. :'''Pal''': Wow, wow! ''(watching the pups having fun)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': This is where we pups gotta wag our tails and have a flash. So let’s blast off! ''(So she slides down holding Pal)'' :'''Bright Eyes and Pal''': Whee! ''(Then land on Merry-go-round and laugh as it goes round quite fast making them fly off and land on cushions)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(laughing as her tail wags)'' :'''Pal''': ''(laughs)'' Oh, cats! It’s still not wagging. Let’s face it. It’ll never wag. :'''Cooler''': Whoa. Don’t give up so fast, my little puparoo. :'''Nose Marie''': We’ve got someone who can put some bounce in your behind. ''(So they go up the pupscalator to the gizmo lab)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': Pal, this is Howler, our expert inventor. :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' Uh, uh, pleased to meet you, Pal, and don’t worry about a thing. I have an invention here that’s guaranteed to defrost your frozen tail. ''(He shows Pal his new invention)'' I call it “the Wag-O-Matic.” :'''Pal''': Gee! Do you think it’ll really work? :'''Howler''': There’s one way to find out. Let’s hook you up and switch it on. ''(switching it on)'' Now, that’s what I call wagging. :'''Cooler''': ''(Off-screen)'' But everything’s wagging except his tail. ---- ''(Pal is still unable to get his tail wagging)'' :'''Howler''': Sorry, Pal. I guess my invention was a bust. :'''Holly''': But Katrina’s invention is back in action. :'''Brattina''': The Vacuum Vortex is all turned up, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': Excellent, Brattina! Now, let’s give it a vile demonstration. Are you ready, Catgut? :'''Catgut''': ''(meows nervously)'' :'''Brattina''': We just set the gunky controls to the cat. :'''Katrina''': And we turn it on. ''(Catgut runs away from the Vacuum Vortex that tries to eat him)'' ''(He climbs up on the tree before he eats it)'' ''(Then he runs and lands on Katrina’s face as he trembles)'' :'''Katrina''': Get out of my face, you coward! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Then the Vacuum Vortex sucks him in pulling Katrina’s wig off and she screams)'' ''(Catgut is now in the cage coming out of the back)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows angrily)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, you look scary. ''(Katrina kisses it)'' :'''Katrina''': But it works, Brattina. It works! Now we can finish our Cooler and his pack of pesky pooches, for good! ''(laughs evilly)'' ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh, no! How are we ever gonna sneak Pal and the other pups out now? :'''Pal''': ''(miserably)'' Don’t worry about me, guys. I’m stuck here forever, remember? No one wants to adopt the pup whose tail won’t wag. :'''Cooler''': You know, Pal, I’ve been thinking. We’ve been trying to get your tail the wag, but we’ve blown it. Because, hey, we can’t make it wag. :'''Holly''': What Cooler is trying to say, Pal, is that the wag has to come from inside of you. :'''Nose Marie''': Straight from your little old heart. :'''Pal''': Straight from my heart? :'''Cooler''': Come on. We’ll show ya in the Hall of Puppy Power. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Pal, deep within every dog’s heart is a gift known as puppy power. ''(She has a wand with a bone at the end of it and presses Pal’s head to show the puppy power with Holly in it)'' :'''Holly''': It’s the magical love shared by puppies and children. :'''Nose Marie''': Us and Holly has puppy power. :'''Holly''': That’s right, Pal. And now we’d like you to meet a special boy. His name is Greg. ''(Puppy Power changes to a special boy named Greg)'' :'''Pal''': Gee! His tail’s not wagging either. ''(Greg waves goodbye to his best friend in the car and leaves him behind being lonely)'' :'''Holly''': That’s right. He’s lonesome because his best friend just moved away to another town. :'''Nose Marie''': Pal, do you think you might be able to cheer Greg up? :'''Pal''': Who? Me? I-I don’t know. But-But I’d sure like to try, could I? :'''All''': Huh? ''(Pal’s tail begins to wag)'' :'''Pal''': I’d really like to help him. I really would. I’d love to cheer up Greg, ''(howling)'' and howl. :'''Holly, Bright Eyes and Whopper''': His tail’s wagging! :'''Nose Marie''': It’s a puppy’s dream come true! Having someone to love. :'''Pal''': It’s the happiest day of my life! :'''Holly''': Come on, Pal. Greg’s waiting to adopt you! :'''Cooler''': Yo, Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! :'''All''': Yay! ''(They all get into the pupscalator)'' ---- ''(The Vacuum Vortex sniffs around as they sneak up quietly)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Be super-duper quiet, Pal. I’ll bet the Vacuum Vortex can hear a pin drop. ''(But the pin on Whopper’s diaper drops causing the Vacuum Vortex to chase them)'' :'''Cooler''': All right, who dropped the pin? :'''Whopper''': Sorry! I guess my diaper drooped. Oh, how embarrassed. :'''Cooler''': Well, undroop it. Let’s get outta here! ''(So Whopper puts his diaper back on)'' ''(The Vacuum Vortex is about the get them; Katrina, Brattina and Catgut come out)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' Oh, at last! The Vacuum Vortex is about to crush Cooler and his cronies! :'''Holly''': Oh, no! ''(Cooler opens the brick wall)'' :'''Cooler''': Shake a leg, crew! In fact, shake all 4 legs! ''(He notices it coming towards him)'' :'''Cooler''': Howdy-up-aroo! ''(He jumps up before it bumps into the wall)'' ''(Cooler lands on it)'' :'''Cooler''': Yee-haw! Ride ‘em, cowdog! :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, it’s that yucky icky-poo, Cooler. :'''Katrina''': Get him, you reckless hunk of junk! Suck him off! :'''Cooler''': Hmm. This pony ride needs a minor adjustment. R-A-T spells rat, which stands for Katrina! ''(The Vacuum Vortex is about to get them)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh! Oh, no! It’s gone berserk! Oh! Oh! Run for it! :'''All''': Whoa! ''(They try to run away from it but it sucks them in locking them up in each cage)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! Icky-yucky, stinky smelly cages! :'''Catgut''': ''(hisses)'' :'''Katrina''': Someday, I’ll get you for this, Cooler. Someday! :'''Cooler''': And someday, Katrina may find the key to unlock a cage, but not someday soon! ''(laughs)'' :'''Holly''': ''(laughs)'' ---- ''(Pal is adopted with Greg at his home)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(cries)'' I’m so happy for little old Pal. :'''Cooler''': Hey. Pull yourself together, Nose Marie. :'''Nose Marie''': I can’t help it. I always cry at adoptions. ''(She cries and blows her nose)'' :'''Pal''': ''(barks)'' :'''Greg''': Now, neither of us will ever be lonely again, Pal. ''(Greg and Pal hug together with love)'' :'''Cooler''': And that’s what I call a tail with a happy ending. ''(laughs and wags his tail)'' == Episode 17: King Whopper == ''(They reach the signpost that says “Grove Avenue” on the left and “Cherry” on the right)'' :'''Cooler''': Hey, check it out. That’s the correctamundo street: Grove Avenue. :'''Nose Marie''': It won’t be long now, Bessie honey. :'''Cooler''': Okay, let’s move out! ''(Meanwhile, Katrina, Brattina are still on the Compactor Tractor catching them up)'' :'''Katrina''': Aha! There they are! Cooler and his mutt friend all get ahead. Full travel forward! :'''Brattina''': Aye-aye, Mommy Dearest! :'''Katrina''': No, Brattina! Watch where you’re going! ''(Compactor Tractor eats three vehicles)'' :'''Katrina''': You crud! Where did you get your driving license? :'''Brattina''': I’m only 11 years old, Mommy Dearest. I don’t have a license. In fact, I don’t even know how to drive. That’s all. ---- ''(Back at the HQ)'' :'''Whopper''': Bright Eyes, peel me a grape. :'''Bright Eyes''': Sorry. My hands are full. :'''Whopper''': Oh! I just wonder if this statue of me is going to be big enough. :'''Bright Eyes''': It’s so big. They’ll never find a place for all the stone chips. :'''Whopper''': Bright Eyes, never bother a king with tiny details! == Episode 18: Tuffy Gets Fluffy == :'''Holly''': The gang should be just about finished giving Tuffy a bath. ''(Holly opens the door but the water comes in and Whopper and Tuffy are surfing on the door)'' :'''Tuffy and Whopper''': Dive-gang, baby! ''(Pound Puppies are in the tub rowing)'' :'''Howler''': ''(using the megaphone)'' Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! ---- :'''Howler''': Now we know why your name is Tuffy. :'''Whopper''': Tuffy, I’m sorry for what I said “You’re pretty neat for a cat.” :'''Tuffy''': Thanks, Whopper. Hey, you’re pretty neat too for a dog. :'''Whopper''': And-And I want you to have this for keeps. ''(Whopper puts a cap on Tuffy’s head)'' :'''Tuffy''': Neato! :'''Holly''': How about if we make Tuffy an honorary Pound Puppy. :'''Cooler''': All those in favor? ''(They all cheer)'' :'''Cooler''': Congrats you, cool cat. :'''Nose Marie''': There’s just one more little old thing Tuffy needs. :'''All''': ''(Off-Screen)'' What’s that? :'''Nose Marie''': A bath. :'''Tuffy''': Oh, no! Not again! ''(They give Tuffy a bath)'' == Episode 19: Casey, Come Home == ''(Katrina stops the Pound Puppy Puppy Pounder)'' ''(Catgut blows the trumpet)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, can it, Catgut! :'''Brattina''': We’ve lost them! We’ve got Cooler and the stinky-poo doggies! :'''Katrina''': Stop whining, Brattina! ''(picking up a satellite)'' I’ll find them with my Canine Computer. Aha! ''(They can see how creepy the woods is)'' :'''Brattina''': That way! Eww! It looks creepy and icky! :'''Katrina''': Yes. I love creepy and icky. ''(They drive off to the creepy woods)'' ---- ''(Katrina, Brattina and Catgut are up in the tree that night)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(cries)'' :'''Katrina''': Knock it off, Brattina! You’re as bad as they are. ''(The wolves howl in return)'' == Episode 20: Where Do Puppies Come From? == ''(Truck saying “Dog Catcher” arrives at the puppy pound with 2 new dogs inside)'' ''(Dogs named Lucy and Rusty whine as Holly comes to open it)'' :'''Holly''': Don’t cry, puppies. No one’s going to hurt you. :'''Katrina''': Holly! Get away from those filthy beasts! :'''Holly''': But, Auntie Katrina, they’re so frightened! :'''Katrina''': Frightened? They should be terrified! ''(laughs evilly)'' Because my pound is now equipped with… ''(Copter-Catcher appears up above)'' …the Copter-Catcher! No dog will ever escape again! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' What d’you say, Catgut? Let’s give ‘em a little demonstration. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows and laughs evilly)'' ''(She is about to capture those dogs but they run away from it and get into the cage as the door slides shut)'' ''(She captures Katrina and takes her over the muddy puddle)'' :'''Katrina''': Whoa! Brattina, you fool! Put me down! :'''Brattina''': All right, all right. Have a cow, why don’tcha! ''(She drops Katrina in the muddy puddle)'' :'''Katrina''': Whoa! :'''Brattina''': Sorry about that, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': ''(angrily)'' You’ll be more than sorry, young lady! Fly, stay in your room! You’re grounded! :'''Brattina''': But, Mommy Dearest! ''(sobbing)'' ---- ''(In the delivery room, Lucy is comfy in bed)'' :'''Holly''': Comfy, Lucy? :'''Lucy''': Fine, thanks. :'''Nose Marie''': Can we get you anything? Anything at all? :'''Lucy''': Well, I am a little hungry. I have this terrible for a dog food and ice-cream sundae. :'''Holly''': Uck! :'''Nose Marie''': One dog food and ice-cream sundae coming up. :'''Lucy''': With chocolate syrup, limburger cheese, coconut, ketchup, gumdrops, dill pickles, cherries and over all that beef gravy. :'''Nose Marie''': There. I hope you enjoy it! ''(After Nose Marie serves the dog food and ice-cream sundae to Lucy, Lucy eats the whole thing in one bite)'' :'''Holly and Nose Marie''': She was hungry! :'''Lucy''': Delicious! May I have another? This time with some whipped cream on top? :'''Nose Marie''': Sure. There’s some whipped cream in the kitchen. :'''Holly''': I’ll go get it. ''(Holly goes to the kitchen to get some whipped cream)'' ---- ''(Meanwhile, Bright Eyes and Whopper are looking for honey in the kitchen)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Nope. No honey up here. :'''Whopper''': No honey down here either. ''(Holly comes to see what they have done with saucepans and colander)'' :'''Holly''': Oh, no! You guys! Looking for the biscuit box again, huh? :'''Bright Eyes''': Nope. We’re looking for honey. We want to find out how puppies are born. :'''Holly''': What’s honey got to do with puppies? :'''Whopper''': You know, cos of the birds and bees. ''(imitating buzzing noise)'' :'''Holly''': I think you’re both confused. :'''Bright Eyes''': Then unconfuse us, Holly. :'''Whopper''': Yeah, tell us where puppies come from. :'''Holly''': Well, the birds and the bees are myth, just like the stork. :'''Whopper''': What’s a stork? :'''Holly''': A bird. ''(She imagines it is a bird, then it becomes a big bird with a long beak, then it stands on one long leg, and becomes a stork dropping baby bundles down the chimney)'' :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Holly''': A big bird with a long beak. :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Holly''': It stands on one long leg. :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Holly''': And some folks say “Stork drops the baby bundles of joy down the chimney.” :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Lucy''': ''(Off-screen)'' Holly, where’s that whipped cream? :'''Holly''': Coming! ''(getting some whipped cream out of the fridge)'' I’ll explain later, guys. Lucy’s waiting. :'''Whopper''': I just got one question. What’s a myth? :'''Bright Eyes''': I think the girl is a myth and the boy is a mister. ''(They laugh)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': Oh! Look at me! Look at me! :'''Bright Eyes''': There weren’t any puppies in that honey, so let’s not stick around. :'''Whopper''': Yeah. She’s sticking around for everybody. ''(While Bright Eyes and Whopper make their escape, Brattina’s Copter-Catcher accidentally grabs Katrina)'' :'''Katrina''': Whoa! Brattina, you ninny! Not me! Get those dogs! :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' I’m trying, Mommy Dearest! I’m trying! :'''Bright Eyes and Whopper''': ''(yelping)'' ''(Brattina puts Katrina down but she bounces)'' :'''Katrina''': Ouch! Ouch! Brattina, what are you doing?! Pull up! Pull UP! ''(Bright Eyes and Whopper have reached the corner just as the Copter-Catcher has run out of petrol)'' :'''Whopper''': It’s been nice doing you, Bright Eyes! ''(But not before Cooler rescues them in time)'' :'''Cooler''': We may have to put a leash on you two. ---- :'''Nose Marie''': What were you two little dickens doing up there? :'''Bright Eyes''': We wanted to see the puppies arrive. :'''Whopper''': We saw the stork but we couldn’t find any bundles. :'''Bright Eyes''': And the puppies weren’t in the honey. Oh, it’s all kind of confusing! :'''Whopper''': So, tell us again real slow. How are puppies born? :'''Cooler''': We’ll do better than tell you. We’ll show you. :'''Rusty''': Okay, the time has come! She’s having them! ''(They come into the delivery room to see Lucy having puppies)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Hurry up, everyone! ''(Baby puppies bark off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh! Aren’t they beautiful? :'''Cooler''': The cutest little things I’ve ever seen. :'''Bright Eyes''': And it came from the mama’s tummy! Oh, it’s amazing! :'''Whopper''': So that’s how puppies are born! Oh, boy! What won’t they think of next? ''(Baby puppies bark happily with Lucy)'' == Episode 21: Pups on the Loose == ''(One day, everything is quiet outside at the puppy pound; bird tweets)'' ''(Down below at the HQ)'' :'''Lucy''': Well, we’re off to dig up our prized bone collection. :'''Rusty''': After all, we can’t start life at a new home without our old bones. :'''Cooler''': And by the time you get back, we’ll have that hap-hap-happy new home picked out for you. :'''Lucy''': Are you sure you don’t mind taking care of our pups while we’re gone? :'''Nose Marie''': ''(happily)'' Not at all. We can’t wait to puppy-sit the little sugar plums! ''(Suddenly, they can hear crashing)'' :'''Lucy''': You must not know our pups. ''(The pups are fighting as they suck Bright Eyes and Whopper in. Then they also suck Cooler and Nose Marie in before they crash)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(giggles)'' Playful little levels, aren’t they? :'''Rusty''': Okay, you guys! Knock it OFF! ''(They stop fighting)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Hi, dad! :'''Rusty''': What did I tell you pups about playing indoors? :'''Andy''': We were playing! :'''Mandy''': We were fighting! :'''Candy''': Andy took my squeak toy and drooled all over it. :'''Andy''': Did not! Mandy stole my blanket and buried it someplace. :'''Mandy''': No way! Candy tied my tail in a big old knot! :'''Candy''': Nuh-uh, you feather face! :'''Mandy''': Ah-ha! ''(They start to fight again)'' :'''Lucy''': Hold it! HOLD IT! ''(They stop again)'' :'''Lucy''': Your father and I want you to be on your best behaviour while we’re gone. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Okay, mum! ''(Their halos appear above their heads)'' :'''Lucy''': And when we return, we’ll be off to our brand new home. ''(Cooler presses the button on the nose as they walk up the pupscalator)'' :'''Lucy and Rusty''': Bye-bye, kids! :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Bye-bye! :'''Cooler''': I’m gonna go sneak Rusty and Lucy past Katrina. be back in a flasharoo. ''(Cooler leaves as 3 pups look angrily at each other then they fight again)'' ---- ''(Cooler, Rusty and Lucy pop out while Catgut is sleeping on the lid but he is awake)'' :'''Cooler''': Shh! Be very very quiet. ''(giggles)'' We have to make sure Catgut is nowhere to be seen. ''(Catgut falls into another garbage can)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Cooler''': Remember, kids. Always put garbage in its place. ''(laughs)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(So Cooler, Rusty and Lucy sneak up behind this place)'' ''(Katrina is busy fixing the invention. Brattina is eating ice-cream)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' The next time Cooler and his mangy mutts show up around here, ''(laughs again)'' they’ll be outfoxed by the greatest invention since the paid toilet, the Rover-Roper! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Creepy! How’s it work, Mommy Dearest? How’s it work? :'''Katrina''': Just hold on to this stuff doggy toy and see for yourself. The Rover-Roper can hunt down any mutt from 100 yards. Watch. ''(Brattina is running away from the Rover-Roper as it catches her up)'' :'''Brattina''': Oh! Make it stop, Mommy Dearest! Make it stop! :'''Rusty''': We’ll be back in 2 shakes of a pup’s tail, Cooler. :'''Cooler''': We’ll take good care of your puparoos til then. See you soon. ''(He slams the brick door and then turns to the invention)'' :'''Brattina''': Help, Mommy Dearest! Help! ''(Rover-Roper ropes Brattina)'' :'''Brattina''': Icky-poo-ho-ho-ho! :'''Katrina''': With the Rover-Roper, Cooler and his pack are doomed! ''(laughs maniacally)'' What?! :'''Brattina''': Yap dog is licking me! Doggy drool! Doggy germs! :'''Katrina''': Grab him! ''(Cooler eats an ice-cream and swallows it, then he rushes off from Katrina)'' :'''Katrina''': You won’t get away this time, Cooler! :'''Cooler''': Going down! ''(Cooler puts a bag of garbage up in the garbage can and closes the lid and then slides back down)'' :'''Katrina''': I’ve got you! ''(Catgut opens up and realizes Katrina is all over the garbage)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Fried eggs begins to sizzle on Katrina’s head)'' :'''Katrina''': I hate that dog. ''(She looks at Catgut and he begins to fire-breathe at him but he is holding the lid to stop it)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': So, gang, how goes the puppy-sitting biz? :'''Whopper and Bright Eyes''': We quit. ''(Three puppies bark and fight)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': All they do is fight, fight, fight. :'''Whopper''': Yeah, and after they’re done, they fight some more. :'''Nose Marie''': Cooler, before we get these pups adopted, we have to shake them up. :'''Cooler''': ''(referring to three puppies)'' Yeah. Or tie them up. :'''Nose Marie''': If only they could work together on something. ''(having an idea)'' Like a party! We could toss a surprise party for Lucy and Rusty. :'''Whopper''': Why don’t we just toss the pups instead? :'''Nose Marie''': Candy, Mandy and Andy could help plan a party and learn all about teamwork. :'''Cooler''': ''(kissing Nose Marie)'' Nose Marie, you’re a genius. ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': Alright, puppies. Let’s get busy. We have balloons to blow up, create paper to hang and signs to paint. :'''Candy''': I wanna paint signs. :'''Mandy''': No! I wanna do that! :'''Candy''': I said it first! :'''Andy''': Get your paws off those paints! :'''Mandy''': No way! ''(Then they begin to fight again)'' :'''Whopper''': Let me handle this, ma’am. ''(He blows the whistle as the pups stop fighting)'' :'''Whopper''': This is police chief Whopper, ordering you to hand over those paints on the double! ''(But the pups throw the paintbrush at him)'' :'''Whopper''': Oh, that does it! 30 days in the doghouse for you three! ---- ''(Cooler, Nose Marie and Holly come to the door)'' :'''Holly''': I wonder how the decorations are going. :'''Cooler''': Let’s take a look-see. :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, my southern fried goodness! ''(Balloon pops at the wall)'' :'''Cooler''': Goodness had nothing to do with this. ''(Three puppies are still having a fight as they have made a lot of mess)'' :'''Whopper''': These kids have no respect for the law! ---- ''(In the kitchen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Alright, Candy, Mandy and Andy. I want you all to help me whip up a cake for the big party with your mum and dad get back. And when we’re done, I’ll let ya all lick the spoon. :'''Candy''': I’ll get the flour. :'''Mandy''': No! I wanna get it! :'''Andy''': Let me get it! ''(They fight as they rip the bag apart causing the flour to spread out all over)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(coughing)'' No, puppies! We’re supposed to work together. ''(coughing again)'' :'''Mandy''': Come back here with that spoon! :'''Candy''': Yeah! We got to lick it too! :'''Andy''': You’ll never lick this spoon! ''(They run up the pupscalator)'' :'''Candy and Mandy''': Let’s get him! :'''Red Alert Pup''': Red Alert! Pups on the loose! Red Alert! Pups on the loose! :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, no! The puppies went upstairs! :'''Bright Eyes''': Katrina’s sure to catch them! :'''Whopper''': Boy! Will she be sorry? :'''Cooler''': Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(They rush up the pupscalator)'' :'''Andy''': You’ll never lick this spoon! Not in a million years! :'''Candy''': No, but we’re gonna lick you! :'''Katrina''': ''(gasps)'' What’s this? There’s a crummy dog loose in the yard! ''(Katrina turns the Rover-Roper on but she holds on as it rushes off then Brattina follows them. It pulls over)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': ''(gasp)'' :'''Katrina''': It’s round-up time. ''(laughs maniacally)'' ''(Three puppies bark worriedly; Pound Puppies come out and see them in surprise)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(Off-screen)'' Katrina’s about to do in those poor little poochies! :'''Cooler''': Oh, no she won’t! Not after I bow-wower with a little of my patented puppy love. :'''Brattina''': Rope them, Mommy Dearest! Rope them! :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' What?! Doggy drool! ''(But Cooler kisses Katrina and licks her)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Let’s get out of here! :'''Brattina''': I’ll rope that icky-poo Cooler, Mommy Dearest! ''(Rover-Roper is about to rope Cooler but he jumps off Katrina and it actually ropes her)'' :'''Katrina''': Not me, you crazy contraption! Ah! Let me go! :'''Nose Marie''': Quick! Take the pups back downstairs! ''(So the puppies take them back downstairs as Cooler returns back)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(sighs)'' One kiss from Cooler, and any woman goes wild. ''(laughs)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina, don’t just stand there! Untie me! :'''Brattina''': Eww! No way! A yucky puppy kissed you. Double icky-poo! ---- :'''Cooler''': Well, what do you pups have to say for yourselves? :'''Mandy''': I never did get to lick the spoon. :'''Andy''': Did too! :'''Candy''': Nuh-uh! You took it all! ''(They bark and fight again)'' :'''Nose Marie''': This calls for drastic action. :'''Holly''': I’ll bet we can straighten these guys out in the Hall of Puppy Power. :'''Cooler''': Then let’s pop on down there, pronto. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Holly''': Candy, Mandy and Andy, this is where we can help you and your mum and papa find a home. :'''Cooler''': All you need to do is concentrate. :'''Holly''': And a beautiful puppy power vision of your new master will appear. :'''Candy''': I wanna live with a little boy. :'''Mandy''': Not me! I wanna live with a little girl. :'''Andy''': I want a boy. :'''Mandy''': No, a girl. :'''Andy''': No, boy! :'''Mandy''': Girl! :'''Andy''': Boy! Girl! :'''Mandy''': Boy! :'''Andy''': Girl! :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Girl, boy, boy, boy! ''(The puppy power explodes)'' ''(They all gasp)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Uh-oh! What happened? :'''Cooler''': Disaster city! You’ve broken puppy power! :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': We did? :'''Whopper''': Why not? They’ve broken everything else in the place. :'''Mandy''': We’re sorry. :'''Andy''': What about our new home? :'''Cooler''': Well, since you pups don’t get along, it looks like we’ll have to split you up into 3 different homes. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': No! You can’t split us up! :'''Mandy''': Who could we play with? ''(They begin to cry)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Well, maybe there is one little old possibility. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': What? :'''Cooler''': If you knuckle hounds can get together and use a little teamwork, we may be able to fix puppy power and find you a home. :'''Andy''': We’ll do it. :'''Mandy''': We promise to be good and get along. :'''Candy''': And we’ll live with a boy or a girl. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Or both. ''(Lucy and Rusty return back with 2 bags full of bones as puppy power is working back)'' :'''Holly''': Puppy power is working again! ''(Puppy power appears with a farm in it)'' :'''Candy''': Wow. A farm! :'''Andy''': That looks neato! :'''Lucy''': And that’s going to be our new home. ---- ''(The children are having fun while three pups turn up and are adopted with children)'' ''(Their parents are watching the children having fun with their pups each. Pound Puppies are standing on the hill watching)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Well, thanks to a little bit of teamwork. Candy, Mandy and Andy are just jim-dandy. :'''Cooler''': And when it comes to teamwork, we Pound Puppies are our winning team. :'''Pound Puppies''': ''(cheering)'' We are No. 1, hey! We are No. 1, hey! We are No. 1, HEY! == Episode 22: The Invisible Friend == ''(The truck with five new puppies arrives at the puppy pound)'' ''(They bark)'' :'''Katrina''': Quiet, you walking free bark! ''(letting them out of the truck)'' And stop frolicking. I hate frolicking. Now get your tails in those cages! ''(They run away from her and get into the cages and Brattina closes it)'' :'''Katrina''': And I never want to see or hear any one of you dogs again. :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Katrina''': Wha? Runaway pup! Sick him, Brattina! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Come back here, you stinky smelly pup! ''(Buddy bumps into the clothesline and the laundry falls on him, Katrina and Brattina)'' :'''Brattina''': Oh! Oh! :'''Buddy''': Yipe! :'''Katrina''': You’re going to get it for this, dog! Not even Cooler can help you! ''(Cooler and his gang come to the rescue)'' :'''Cooler''': That’s what she thinks! :'''Nose Marie''': Game time, puppy dumplings! ''(releasing the puppies)'' :'''Cooler''': And here’s the kick-off-a-rooney! ''(kicking the football in the air)'' ''(Four puppies bark)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(cheering)'' Pushing back! Pushing back! Way back! :'''Katrina''': What in the…? ''(The football falls down and hits her head)'' :'''Brattina''': Yuck! Help, Mommy Dearest! They’re getting doggy drool all over me! Eww! :'''Whopper''': ''(blowing his whistle)'' Drool, little ferret! ''(Cooler rescues Buddy)'' :'''Cooler''': Relax, fella. Katrina fumbled the ball. We win! ''(Four puppies bark and hides them in the laundry)'' :'''Brattina''': Ahh! :'''Cooler''': Well, this game’s history, team. Let’s hit the showers! ''(They all return back to the HQ)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': Welcome to the ever popular Pound Puppy Mission Control. I’m Cooler the top dog in charge of finding you a hap-hap-happy home. :'''Buddy''': Oh. Uh, hi. I’m Buddy. And that’s Bob. :'''Cooler''': How do… H… Who? Where? :'''Buddy''': Bob, my invisible friend. He made that lady mad up there. :'''Cooler''': Ah, I see! Well, I-I don’t see but, uh… Hey! Give me five, Bob. :'''Buddy''': Ha ha! You’re shaking his tail! Hey! Something smells yummy! ''(sniffs)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(sniffs as well)'' Absotutely! That’s Nose Marie’s cooking! Hey! Let’s check it out! Uh, come on, Bob. :'''Buddy''': No. Bob’s over here with me. :'''Cooler''': Well, I can’t help it. All invisible things look alike to me. ---- ''(In the kitchen, Buddy and his invisible friend Bob meet Nose Marie who is making chocolate chip dog treat)'' :'''Cooler''': Nose Marie, this is Buddy. And, uh, somewhere around here is his invisible friend Bob. :'''Nose Marie''': Invisible? Now there’s something you don’t see every day or any day. :'''Cooler''': Well, I’ll leave the three of you to get to know each other. I’ll be seeing ya except for Bob, that is. ''(Cooler leaves)'' :'''Buddy''': What are these? :'''Nose Marie''': Chocolate chip dog treats and I have just enough batter to make you one. :'''Buddy''': ''(Off-screen)'' Gee! Doesn’t Bob get one too? ''(Nose Marie washes her paws)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Tell you what, darling. I’ll make him an invisible one, okay? ''(It crashes off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, no! :'''Buddy''': Bob was hungry and ate all the biscuits, so I tried to make some more real quick. ''(burps)'' ‘Scuse me. :'''Nose Marie''': Just look at this mess! :'''Buddy''': Yeah. Uh, and if I were you, I’d make Bob clean it up. Bye! :'''Nose Marie''': Buddy! Buddy! His story is like an invisible dog biscuit. Hard to swallow. ---- ''(Meanwhile, Bright Eyes is busy painting the picture)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(singing)'' Hmmm, red, yellow, green and blue. I’m painting a rainbow just for you. :'''Buddy''': Hey! What are you painting? :'''Bright Eyes''': Gosh! It was a rainbow, but now I’ll call it spilled ketchup on a striped tablecloth. :'''Buddy''': Sorry. ''(to Bob)'' Bob, you shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. :'''Bright Eyes''': Gee! Is there really someone there? :'''Buddy''': Sure. He’s just invisible. Hey, maybe you can paint him. :'''Bright Eyes''': How if I can’t even see him? :'''Buddy''': Oh, yeah. Well, then Bob wants to paint you. :'''Bright Eyes''': Me? An artist model? Bow, oh wow. I’ll pose as a ballerina. Okay. Paint me. ''(Bob paints Bright Eyes in colors)'' :'''Buddy''': There, you’re painting. Ha-ha! :'''Bright Eyes''': That’s not the teeny weeniest bits funny. :'''Buddy''': You’re right. What a joke to play on such a nice puppy. Bob says he’s sorry. :'''Bright Eyes''': That makes two of us. ---- :'''Whopper''': Whoo! Space commander Whopper leads that Starfleet through the asteroid belt. Vroom! :'''Buddy''': Hey! Can I play too? :'''Whopper''' Sure! :'''Buddy''': Where’d all the neat stuff come from? :'''Whopper''': Oh, I invented it. Yeah, That’s it! I built this whole place myself. Yeah. ''(Imagining he digs through the tunnel with the drill machine)'' I dug it up. I dug hundred, uh, thou… No, no. A million feet down to the centre of the earth, where I went water-skiing with the king of a mole man. Yeah! :'''Buddy''': I have an invisible friend. ''(Imagination pops)'' :'''Whopper''': Invisible friend? Oh, boy. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s someone who fibs. :'''Buddy''': No, really. His name is Bob, and he wants to play space commander too. :'''Whopper''': Hey! Paws off! Touching those is a doggy. Don’t! ''(He tries to take Buddy’s paws off but he accidentally pulls it)'' :'''Buddy''': I didn’t do it. Bob did. I’m turning them off again. :'''Whopper''': Oh, no! What have you done? ---- :'''Katrina''': Oh. At last, those filthy curs are back in their cages. ''(sighs)'' ''(But they stop and turn to the cage doors sliding open and closing)'' :'''Katrina''': What the… ''(The pups run to Katrina and Brattina)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh! Mutts just drive me nuts! ---- :'''Whopper''': Sorry, guys. :'''Nose Marie''': Aw. It’s alright, Whopper dear. I think everything’s back in order. :'''Cooler''': Everything but what to do about Buddy’s invisible friend Bob. :'''Nose Marie''': But he just has to learn to take the blame for his own mistakes. :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Brainstorm city! We’ll teach this new pup some old tricks, by making that invisible problem-o, poof… disappear. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Buddy''': So this is the Hall of Puppy Power. What happens now? :'''Cooler''': Just watch. ''(Puppy Power shows up)'' :'''Buddy''': Wow, wow! ''(Puppy Power appears with a boy named Colin adopting Buddy)'' :'''Cooler''': It’s every pup’s dream come true. A happy home and loving master. :'''Buddy''': Hey, that’s me! And who’s that? Is that gonna be my master? ''(It appears with Buddy snatching one of the cookies Nose Marie made, painting Bright Eyes in colors and playing)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(Off-screen)'' Well, maybe. But if a puppy does things like snitching cookies. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(Off-screen)'' Or playing practical jokes. :'''Whopper''': ''(Off-screen)'' Or fooling with things he shouldn’t. :'''Cooler''': That puppy will never get a master. It’ll be a pound bound hound. :'''Nose Marie''': You see, Buddy, we know you did all those things and we know Bob isn’t real. :'''Buddy''': What? He is too real and he’s a better friend than any of you guys. ''(storming off)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa. Took it pretty hard. :'''Bob''': ''(Off-screen)'' Well, you are kinda rough on him. :'''All''': Huh? :'''Bob''': ''(becoming visible)'' After all, he does believe in me. He wasn’t lying on purpose. :'''Cooler''': B-B-B-B-B-Bob? :'''Nose Marie''': I don’t believe it! :'''Bright Eyes''': And you can talk! :'''Whopper''': And you’re a dinosaur! Neato! :'''Bob''': What were you expecting? A giant bunny rabbit? :'''Cooler''': Hey. Quit yanking my leash. You’re not real. So, uh, how can we see you? :'''Bob''': Puppy Power made me visible. Up till now, I’ve only lived in Buddy’s mind. You see, Buddy’s been all alone since he was born. So he made me up. We play together, but I’m just pretend. Buddy needs a real friend. :'''Nose Marie''': Somewhere, there must be a boy who needs a friend like Buddy. :'''Bob''': You know, I have a cousin who’s the make-believe friend of a lonely boy named Colin. :'''Cooler''': Ooh! Tell us everything, Bob-a-loo. :'''Bob''': Well, you see, Colin was that something that was about… ''(whispers)'' ---- ''(Pound Puppies slide down the end of the pupscalator)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Yoo-hoo, Buddy? Where are you, dumpling? :'''Buddy''': ''(Off-screen)'' In here, guys! :'''Cooler''': Whoa! What’s shaking, kiddo? :'''Buddy''': I just cooked up some dog biscuits. :'''Nose Marie''': What on earth for? :'''Buddy''': For you, guys. After I ate the ones Nose Marie made, it’s the least I could do. ''(They take a bite out of the dog biscuits but they are extra salty)'' :'''Pound Puppies''': Oh! ''(Bright Eyes and Whopper run to the sink to wash their mouths)'' :'''Cooler''': Mmm. Extra salty. :'''Buddy''': It’s my way of saying sorry for all the stuff I did wrong. And as for Bob, he’s not really real. He’s just pretend. :'''Cooler''': We know all about it. :'''Bob''': ''(becoming visible)'' I filled him in, Buddy. :'''Buddy''': Bob! :'''Cooler''': And now, Buddy, my buddy, it’s time to take you to meet your new master. Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(They all head to the pupscalator but Bob gets stuck on it)'' :'''Buddy''': Oh, boy, you got to get a master. :'''Cooler''': Uh-oh, a pupscalator jam. We gotta push him through! Buddy’s up here all alone! :'''Whopper''': Uh! Why did Buddy have to have such a big imagination? ''(At the puppy pound)'' :'''Katrina''': Now, with these new padlocks, I’m going to lock you pups away forever. :'''Brattina''': Eww, look, Mommy Dearest! It’s that yucky runaway dog! :'''Katrina''': Gotcha! :'''Buddy''': Yipe! :'''Pound Puppies''': 1, 2, 3. ''(They finally push hard enough to get through)'' :'''Brattina''': Nothing can save the icky-poo troublemaking bow-wow now. ''(Suddenly, they hear something trembling)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, no! It-It feels like an earthquake! :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Oh! ''(They jump inside the cage and lock themselves inside, but forget Buddy)'' :'''Brattina''': What is that, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': I don’t know, but it’s not getting in here! :'''Cooler''': That should teach Katrina not to be so cagey. ''(laughs)'' ''(They all leave)'' ---- ''(Colin is reading the comic book to Sam)'' :'''Colin''': Pretty funny comic, huh, Sam? :'''Sam''': ''(laughs)'' I’ll say. There they are. ''(Pound Puppies and Buddy arrive)'' :'''Bob''': Hey, Sam. :'''Sam''': Hiya, Bob. ''(He comes to see Bob)'' Yeah, I’ve been expecting you, guys. :'''Buddy''': Is that him? My new master? Oh, I’m so nervous. Do you think you’ll like me? :'''Sam''': Only one way to find out. ''(Buddy comes into the garden)'' :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Colin''': Sam. Sam, where are you? Hey, where’d you come from? Well, don’t be afraid. Come here, boy. Come to Colin. :'''Bob''': ''(referring to Colin and Buddy)'' What do you know? They’re playing. ''(Colin laughs)'' :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Nose Marie''': A match made in Puppy Heaven. :'''Colin''': Sit, boy. Good dog. Now, wait here a second. Hey, mum! Can I keep a puppy? :'''Buddy''': Hey, Bob. He likes me. Just wait till he meets you. :'''Bob''': Oh, but I can’t stay here, Buddy. :'''Buddy''': What do you mean? We’re a team, best friends. Where I go, you’ll go. :'''Colin''': Mum said yes. I could keep you. Hey, where’d the puppy go? :'''Cooler''': This is your big chance for a real home, Buddy. :'''Bob''': And I don’t wanna see you lose it. Go on. ''(He pushes Buddy back in)'' :'''Buddy''': But what do you do? :'''Bob''': We’ll be invisible friends to other lonely pups and kids. And remember, Buddy, anytime you think of me, I’ll be right here. :'''Buddy''': Here or here? :'''Bob''': Right here. ''(He hugs Buddy)'' ''(Pound Puppies can’t help but feel sad)'' :'''Buddy''': Thanks, Pound Puppies. :'''Cooler''': Hey, don’t mention it, pal. :'''Colin''': Where’d my little Buddy go? Here, Buddy! :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Colin''': Hiya, Buddy! :'''Bob''': Well, not alone anymore. Time for us to go, Sam. :'''Cooler''': And, uh, when you find those lonely kids and puppies, you know where to send them. :'''Colin''': Goodbye, Sam. :'''Buddy''': Bye, Bob. ''(Bob and Sam leave and head to the sunset)'' == Episode 23: Kid in the Doghouse == ''(Brattina and Catgut bring a lot of puppies to the puppy pound using a giant balloon shaped like a dog bone)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' Nice work, Catgut. This is more yucky puppies than we’ve ever led to the pound before. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ---- :'''Brattina''': Please, Mommy Dearest! You have to see all the icky-poo puppies we caught. Ready, please! ''(Cooler pops out in the barrel)'' :'''Katrina''': Later, Brattina! First, I have to make sure the Cage Catapult is ready to capture that confounded Cooler. ''(Holly and the others sneak up and hop into the barrel and travel downstairs to the HQ)'' ---- ''(In the kitchen, Whopper is cleaning the bowl and throwing it to Bright Eyes)'' :'''Whopper''': The Dirty Bowl Patrol is on a roll with a help of the Wonder Whopper! :'''Bright Eyes''': Thanks for pitching in, Jerry! ''(Bright Eyes tosses the bowl to Jerry)'' :'''Jerry''': So when do we start having fun around here? :'''Bright Eyes''': As soon as all our work’s done. :'''Whopper''': Yeah. We have a million… zillion… no, a gazillion chores to do. Yeah. ''(imagining he can polish the Statue of Liberty and mop up the moon)'' Every chore in the world. In fact, we have to polish the Statue of Liberty. No. The Liberty Bell. Yeah, we have to mop up the moon. Yeah, the moon’s a mess. The monsters, they’re total slobs. ''(The imagination pops; Blue carries the bowl to them but he slips on the wet spot)'' :'''Blue''': Whoa! :'''Whopper''': Hey! Blue, what happened to Jerry? :'''Blue''': He said he had something really important to do. :'''Jerry''': ''(skateboarding away)'' Catch ya later, guys! :'''Whopper''': Yeah. Skateboarding’s pretty important stuff. ---- ''(At the puppy pound, Holly, Cooler and Howler peep out as Katrina finishes the Cage Catapult ready for action)'' :'''Howler''': Ah, oh! There she blows! Katrina! Off the starboard bow! :'''Katrina''': Silly confounded contraption! :'''Holly''': She’s looking the other way. Now’s our chance. :'''Cooler''': ''(to the children)'' It’s with puparoos. Let the escape-a-rooney begin. ''(Cooler and the children sneak up quickly)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' At last! The Cage Catapult is ready for action. Cooler and his canines won’t get away next time! :'''Brattina''': All right. All ready with the gunky gizmo, Mommy Dearest. Come and see all the stinky puppies we caught. Now! :'''Katrina''': Oh all right, Brattina! Show me the dogs. How many miserable mongrels did you catch? :'''Brattina''': Almost a hundred icky-poo smelly dogs. :'''Katrina''': A hundred dogs?! Why, Brattina, I could kiss you! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Gross. No thanks. I’d rather have a Suzy Spit-up Doll. :'''Katrina''': For a hundred dogs, I’ll get you a dozen Suzy Spit-up Dolls. ''(She realizes that the dogs are gone)'' What?! These cages are empty! :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' No, no, no! They were loaded with icky-poo stink old dogs! :'''Katrina''': ''(Angry with her)'' Play games with me, will you, young lady? Just for this: You can kiss that Suzy Spit-up Doll goodbye! :'''Brattina''': ''(cries)'' ---- ''(Scratchy and the others take flea bath)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Golly! Getting Jerry to do his chores has become a bigger chore. ''(She sees the shark’s fin and screams)'' :'''Whopper''': Shark pup Whopper strikes again! ''(laughs)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Cooler, I think the time has come to find a home for that boy and Blue. ''(Blue whimpers)'' ---- ''(In the swimming hole, Jerry is in the swimming trunks running in)'' :'''Jerry''': Yahoo! Anyone else coming in for a dip? :'''Bright Eyes and Whopper''': No thanks. :'''Jerry''': Party poopers. Huh? ''(Jerry is about to dive in but there is a garbage on the water)'' :'''Jerry''': Yuck! What gifts with the swimming hole? :'''Bright Eyes''': Some garbage fell in. :'''Whopper''': And cleaning up is no fun. I mean who likes doing chores? :'''Jerry''': This whole place is no fun anymore. Come on, Blue. Let’s get outta here. ''(Blue winks his eye; Bright Eyes and Whopper laugh)'' ---- ''(Jerry comes to Cooler and Howler who are watching TV)'' :'''Jerry''': Cooler, how soon are you gonna get Blue and me adopted? :'''Cooler''': Oh, gee. I don’t know. ''(sighs)'' Maybe after we’re through watching TV. :'''Jerry''': I hate it here. Everything’s broken or dirty. Nobody does any chores! :'''Cooler''': Absotutely. You don’t do chores. We don’t do chores. :'''Jerry''': I do so. I mean I will. I mean that is… ''(But Cooler and Howler shake their heads)'' :'''Jerry''': ''(sighs)'' I guess I don’t. Sorry, Cooler. Ah, but why can’t chores be fun? :'''Cooler''': Hey. Maybe you’re onto something, kiddo. Let’s give it the old pound puppy try. ---- ''(So they begin to do the chores in the kitchen, in the lagoon cleaning up the water and giving Scratchy a flea bath singing)'' :'''All''': I’ve been working with the scrub brush :All the really long day :I’ve been cleaning up the water :Who makes me feel okay? :Just be beating all the fun, fun, fun :If you really do get by :So everybody, get together :And keep things clean and bright :All right! ---- :'''Jerry''': Well, maybe chores can’t always be fun, but I’m gonna do my shift from now on. You know, guys, I think there’s something I should tell you. :'''Cooler''': No time for that now, Jerry. Let’s get you to your new home. ---- :'''Cooler''': Here it is! :'''Bright Eyes''': Your nifty new home! :'''Holly''': With some folks who really want you. :'''Jerry''': But that’s my old house. :'''Jerry’s Mom''': Jerry, you’re late. Oh, we were so worried. :'''Jerry''': Mom, dad! It’s great to be home! Oh! And this is Blue. He’s from the puppy pound. Can I keep him? :'''Jerry’s Dad''': Well, I don’t wanna wind up being the one who takes care of him. :'''Jerry''': Don’t worry, dad. I promise I’ll do all my chores from now on, and that includes taking care of Blue. :'''Jerry’s Dad''': Okay then, Blue. Welcome to the family. ''(Blue licks Jerry’s Dad and then barks; they share love with them)'' :'''Cooler''': Well, gang, our chores are done, and you know what that means? :'''All''': Time to have fun! ''(They run along and have fun)'' == Episode 24: Little Big Dog == ''(The truck with a ton of bricks drives a little further backwards)'' :'''Katrina''': A little further. Yes, yes, a little further. Y… Ah, ah, ah. Hold it right there. :'''Brattina''': What are those stinky bricks for, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': ''(looking at the security pound on the paper)'' To build my new maximum security pound. This wall will stop Cooler and his motely mutt cold, like being hit with a ton of bricks. ''(Ton of bricks falls on them)'' :'''Brattina''': Oh! Just kill me already, why don’tcha! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Bone-binoculars comes out)'' :'''Cooler''': Oh, brother! Get a load of what the bad guys are up to this time. ''(Katrina is cementing bricks on top)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(singing)'' I’ve been putting up the brick wall :This time, I will win :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' She’s cementing up the brick wall :To keep the yucky doggies in :Can’t you hear our cheers and shouting ''(Catgut falls asleep)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(singing)'' Locking up the mutts we had ''(A little pup named Teensy comes out of the hole and sneaks up)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Cooler and screams are shouting :'''Katrina and Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Cos they finally met them up ''(Catgut wakes up and Teensy stops sneaking up)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(screaming)'' ''(Teensy rushes around before Catgut’s head gets stuck in the flowerpot)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(screaming and then he stops running)'' You know what? I’m scared. ''(screaming and running again)'' :'''Cooler''': Woo! A little game of Catgut and mouse, and it looks like Catgut hates meeces to pieces. ''(Brattina sees that Teensy’s a mouse)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! A mouse! Icky-icky-icky-poo yuck! ''(Teensy lands on Brattina’s head)'' :'''Brattina''': Get him off me, Catgut! Get him off! :'''Nose Marie''': Sakes alive! That’s no mouse! That’s a little bitty muffy doggy! ''(Brattina makes the crane with Katrina in it wobble and crash down)'' :'''Katrina''': Bra-Bra-Bra-Bra-Bra-Brat-t-t-ti-ti-ti-tina! Whoa! ''(Brattina and Catgut scream; cement splashes into Brattina’s and Catgut’s face)'' :'''Nose Marie''': We have to save that cute little old pup! :'''Katrina''': ''(Angry with her)'' Just for this, Brattina: You’ll get no stewed prunes for a week! ---- ''(Nose Marie pops out and rescues Teensy and goes back down)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Settle down, honey lamb. Nose Marie won’t hurt you. You’re safe with me. :'''Teensy''': Aw. :'''Cooler''': ''(sighs)'' That really warms to cockles of my heart. Whatever those are. ''(laughs)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Cooler, maybe the teensy puppy could use my Dolly’s house for a home. :'''Cooler''': Absotutely, guys. Hey, not a bad name for him either, Teensy. ---- ''(In the kitchen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Now, Teensy darling, what you need is some little old nourishment. ''(Teensy climbs up the dish bowl and licks the milk but he falls in)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(gasps)'' Oh, sweet corn bone! This will never do. ''(She picks him up with her teeth and puts him on the little towel)'' That should keep it, toasty sugar. ---- :'''Nose Marie''': Sleep tight, honey lamb, in pleasant dreams. ''(Teensy looks at everything around the Dolly’s home)'' :'''Whopper''': Hiya, Teensy! Want to see my dirt collection? ''(Teensy screams and rushes out)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, Whopper! I just had him all calmed down and you went and uncalmed him again! :'''Whopper''': Maybe he’s so scared of dirt. ''(Teensy screams and stops running)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(to the audience)'' You know what? I’m scared of everything. ''(He screams and runs again)'' :'''Cooler''': Okay, kid. Put it right there, kid! Come on, kid! You can do it, kid! Give it the old pepper, kid! ''(Teensy runs and is hit by the baseball glove)'' :'''Cooler''': Perfectamundo, kid! Hey, Teensy, my pup. Mellow out. No one’s gonna hurt you down here. :'''Bright Eyes''': We’re all super-duper fun loving puppies just like you! :'''Whopper''': Yeah. Just like you except we’re a milli… a trill… a kabillion times bigger. Yeah. :'''Nose Marie''': Don’t you pay no never mind to that, sugar plum. Size doesn’t matter. It’s what’s in here that counts. ---- ''(In the kitchen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Let’s see how this works out, honey lamb. ''(She gives a thimble of milk to Teensy)'' ''(Teensy drinks but the milk spills out over him)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Nonsense! Like my grandmother used to say “Where there’s a pound puppy, there’s a way.” ''(gasps)'' I’ve got it. Here’s Nose Marie’s little old secret recipe for a teensy meal. Take one slightly beat up rubber glove. ''(cutting finger gloves)'' Add an empty salt shaker, fill it to the brain with cold fresh milk, mix in a little magic, and before you say “Bye, you baby.” You’re dining like a southern puppy king! ''(Teensy drinks a milk)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(to the audience)'' You know what? I’m happy. ---- ''(Pound Puppies and Teensy are playing cards)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Got any nifty Queenie’s? :'''Teensy''': No. Goldfish. :'''Cooler''': Well, after two weeks with us, puparoo, you seem to be getting along just dand-dand-danding. :'''Teensy''': Yes. I’m winning. :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Either my ears are on the fritz, so Holly’s trying to contact me with Puppy Power. :'''Teensy''': What’s Puppy Power? :'''Cooler''': You might call it radio station K-Pup that plays nothing but love songs. :'''Nose Marie''': ''(to Cooler)'' Puppy love songs, that is. ''(Holly appears via Puppy Power)'' :'''Holly''': Hi, everyone. I’ve got great news! I found a perfect home for Teensy. This little girl lives in an apartment, and a small puppy like Teensy would fit in just right. Auntie Katrina’s away buying more bricks, so now’s the time to get him out. I’ll meet you upstairs. ''(Puppy Power with Holly disappears)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(gasps)'' Home? For Teensy? :'''Cooler''': Of course-a-rooney. Remember the Pound Puppy model, neither rain, no snow, no Katrina Stoneheart. :'''Whopper''': So, stop the good guys! :'''Bright Eyes''': From delivering neato puppies. :'''All''': ''(singing)'' To happy home! ''(Cooler, Bright Eyes and Whopper go upstairs)'' :'''Nose Marie''': I know. I just didn’t think he’d have to leave me so soon. ''(Nose Marie follows them too)'' ---- :'''Holly''': Teensy, this is your new home. :'''Teensy''': Are you coming with me, Nose Marie? :'''Nose Marie''': No, sweetie pie. You live with a nice little girl here. :'''Teensy''': ''(crying)'' I don’t want to leave you, Nose Marie! :'''Bright Eyes''': Golly gee willikers! No pup’s ever not wanted to be adopted before. :'''Cooler''': Yeah, this could put a bad mark on our whiz-bang success record. :'''Teensy''': Ah! I don’t wanna be a bad mark! I just want to stay with Nose Marie! :'''Holly''': Don’t worry, Teensy. We’ll find another puppy for this little girl. :'''Nose Marie''': And we’ll take you back to the little old pound with us. :'''Teensy''': ''(hugging her)'' Thank you, Nose Marie! ---- ''(Meanwhile, Brattina is setting up mouse traps to catch the mice)'' :'''Brattina''': There. That should fix any icky-poo mice that come in here. There are enough scary traps to catch a zillion yucky mices, eh, Catgut? :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Holly opens the gate door to see what is going on)'' :'''Holly''': What? Brattina, what is going on? :'''Brattina''': “Brattina, what is going on?” I’m trying to catch a mouse, nosy-pants. What’s it look like? :'''Holly''': Brattina still thinks Teensy’s a mouse, and she covered the yard with traps. :'''Cooler''': And here comes the wicked witch of the worst Katrina. ''(Katrina drops the bag of bricks and see the others)'' :'''Katrina''': What the…? :'''All''': Booga-booga-booga! ''(Holly and Pound Puppies rush in and stand against the wall)'' :'''Katrina''': It’s Cooler and those miserable mutts. Brattina! Stop those confounded canines! Don’t just stand there, you ninny! Get them! :'''Brattina''': No! Mommy Dearest, look out! ''(Katrina steps on the mouse traps and gets caught in pain off-screen)'' :'''Katrina''': Ouch! Ow! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Ow! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Mommy Dearest, that looks totally painful. :'''Katrina''': ''(Angry with her)'' Not half as painful as the punishment you’ll get for this! :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' But, Mommy Dearest! ---- ''(Katrina carries on putting lots of bricks on as the season changes from Summer to Autumn to Winter)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(singing)'' Lots of bricks, Lots of bricks :Build the wall real high :I’ll keep on cementing bricks :Until I touch the sky :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Stinky bricks, smelly bricks :Mommy Dearest, why?! :If we don’t stop for Christmas, :I’ll whine and scream and cry ''(whining)'' ---- ''(Spring has arrived and the bird tweets and lands on the branch)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Looks like the spring is sprung. Which means, Nose Marie, it’s time to snip the apron strings and find Teensy a home. Before he eats us out of ours. :'''Nose Marie''': I’m powerfully fond of him, but I can barely lift his food dish anymore. ''(to Teensy)'' Teensy, dinner time! :'''Teensy''': Oh, boy. ''(He comes in becoming giant)'' :'''Nose Marie''': You’re right, Cooler. I guess it’s time to get Teensy adopted. :'''Teensy''': Adopted? But I don’t wanna leave, Nose Marie. ''(crying)'' Whoo, is me! :'''Nose Marie''': Teensy, sugar plum, everyone has to leave the nest some time and we’ll come and visit at your new home. :'''Teensy''': You promise? :'''Cooler''': Positively, Teensy, my pup. :'''Nose Marie''': And remember, honey lamb. Just let out a little old howl, ''(howling)'' and I’ll come running. :'''Teensy''': All right. I’ll go. ''(They all celebrate)'' ---- :'''Brattina''': ''(in her walkie-talkie)'' Mommy Dearest, I’m sick of the stinky smelly wall! Come down already, why don’tcha! :'''Katrina''': Stop whining, Brattina! I want to put one more row of bricks on, and then I’ll be down. ''(to the audience)'' Cooler and those crummy canines will never help another mutt escape. ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Down below, brick wall turns around revealing Holly, Pound Puppies and Teensy and they see that the brick wall is so big)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Looks like Katrina’s been a busy little bad girl. :'''Holly''': Come on! Auntie Katrina’s way up there. She’ll never see you leave. ''(Holly and the Pound Puppies sneak past Brattina, Katrina and Catgut and Teensy stamps past them too)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest! Where did the horsey come from? Can we keep him, Mommy Dearest? Oh, please! Can we keep him? :'''Katrina''': Stop talking nonsense! What’s going on down there? :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' Holly’s letting Cooler and some dogs and a horsey go out the front gate. :'''Katrina''': Cooler and some dogs?! Well, stop them, you fool! ''(noticing the wall has a crack)'' Oh, no! My wonderful wall! :'''Cooler''': Looks like Katrina’s plan isn’t all it was cracked up to be. ''(laughs)'' ''(Holly, the Pound Puppies and Teensy leave the pound before the brick wall collapses)'' :'''Katrina''': NO!! ''(Katrina and Brattina are sitting down in defeat)'' :'''Katrina''': Mutts drive me nuts! ---- ''(At the field filled with sheep, little girl opens the door and comes out)'' :'''Cooler''': There it is, Teensy. Your new hap-hap-happy home. :'''Teensy''': Well, I guess this is goodbye, Nose Marie. :'''Nose Marie''': Oh! But I don’t want you to go! :'''Teensy''': Now, now. Everyone has to leave the nest some time. Besides, I’ll come visit ya. :'''Nose Marie''': You promise? :'''Teensy''': Positively! And remember, just let out a howl, ''(howling)'' and I’ll come running. ''(He comes to see his master as he howls and then he licks her as she giggles)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(to the audience)'' You know what? I’m happy. :'''Nose Marie''': You know what? So am I. == Episode 25: The Bright Eyes Mob == ''(Back at Katrina’s house)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(Off-screen)'' Holly! Get in here this instant! :'''Holly''': What’s going on, Auntie Katrina? :'''Katrina''': Mrs. Vanderspiff and her ritzy friends will be here in 2 hours. Now, go vacuum the front porch, shampoo the drapes, fumigate the bathroom. :'''Brattina''': And then you can paint the toenails on my tootsies. Myah! :'''Holly''': Yuck! ''(Robotic Rover licks Katrina’s face)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina, your job is to get this confounded mechanical mutt off me! :'''Brattina''': I’m trying, Mommy Dearest! I’m trying! ''(But it keeps licking her face and kisses her)'' :'''Katrina''': Yeah! ---- ''(Pound Puppies are watching the news on TV)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, no! All the news! It can’t be! :'''Cooler''': If I didn’t know better, I’d say that looks like Bright Eyes. ''(They see Bright Eyes on TV stealing Bruno’s weenies)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howling)'' It is Bright Eyes. :'''Newscaster''': We’re here at Bruno’s Meat Market scene of a bold robbery. Mr. Bruno, what exactly happened? :'''Bruno''': Well, I was slicing veal cutlets when this here vicious criminal-type canine comes in and steals my weenies. :'''Nose Marie''': We have to stop Bright Eyes before she strikes again! :'''Howler''': Yeah. If she stole weenies, she may be building up to b-b-baloney’s. :'''Cooler''': Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(Pound Puppies rush off to stop Bright Eyes)'' ---- :'''Toots''': Bright Eyes, go grab damn cookies and cakes and bring them here. :'''Bright Eyes''': Anything for my peachy king friend. :'''Toots''': You really would do anything for me, wouldn’t you, kid? :'''Bright Eyes''': Sure, Toots! That’s what friends are for! :'''Toots''': ''(gasps)'' Wait a minute. I don’t know who’s the bigger sucker. Bright Eyes or me. == Episode 26: The Rescue Pups == :'''Howler''': ''(Off-screen)'' Puppy Power, ''(howling)'' we have another puppy for you. :'''Cooler''': This little dude would like a home. :'''Nose Marie''': One from which you’ll never roam. ''(Puppy Power appears with a house and a girl named Jody)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Search the city from up above and find this pup a child to love. :'''Arf''': ''(barking)'' I wanna live with her! ''(rushing off and wearing a bobble hats and a scarf)'' When can we leave? :'''Whopper''': Gee! You’re not in a hurry or anything else, are you? :'''Cooler''': We’ll pupscalate upstairs and have you adopted before you can say… Katrina Stoneheart. ''(Katrina and Brattina are looking through their binoculars)'' :'''Katrina''': Keep your eyes peeled, Brattina. I have a feeling something big is about to happen. Aha! There’s a big dopey mutt just asking to be caught! ''(She realizes it is Howler shaped hot-air balloon)'' Oh! :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina! Do something! :'''Brattina''': No sweat, Mommy Dearest! I’ll smell those flying furballs! ''(Brattina uses a fishing rod to catch Pound Puppies)'' :'''Cooler''': Uh-oh. Looks like we are the catch of the day! :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' I’ve got the stinkers! I’m going to stink ‘em! ''(They try to pull back, but they are pulled by the hot-air balloon hanging them on)'' :'''All''': Whoa! :'''Katrina''': You mangy mutts! Put us down!! :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' With pleasure. ''(Howler cuts the fishing rod with a pair of scissors from inside his hat sending Katrina, Brattina and Catgut down the chimney)'' :'''Cooler''': Okay, crew! Up, pup and away! ''(Then they fly up all the way to Jody’s house)'' ---- ''(Jody is digging the snow away with her shovel just as Pound Puppies arrive)'' :'''Jody''': I don’t believe it! :'''Arf''': ''(coming out and barking)'' :'''Jody''': It’s a puppy just like the one I dreamed about! :'''Arf''': ''(barks)'' :'''Jody''': What a great bark! I think I’ll call you Arf! :'''Cooler''': Ah. Another perfectamundo adaption. ''(But Jody’s Mom comes to see what she is doing with Arf)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Jody, what are you doing with that dog? :'''Jody''': Can I keep him, mom? His name’s Arf. :'''Arf''': ''(barks)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': We’ve discussed this before, hon. No dogs. They’re too much work. :'''Jody''': But, mom! :'''Arf''': ''(barks again)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': And besides, all dogs ever do is bark. :'''Arf''': ''(barks again)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': See what I mean? We don’t need the extra noise around here. ''(She goes back in)'' :'''Arf''': ''(sadly)'' I guess I’ll ''(barking)'' go back to the pound now. :'''Cooler''': Gee, this adoption wasn’t as perfectamundo as I thought. ''(Jody waves and wipes her tear away)'' ---- ''(Back at the house, Arf is scratching the door to Jody’s Mom to help; Jody’s Mom opens the door and Arf comes in)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Huh? Hey! Come back here! :'''Arf''': ''(barks)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Jody, why is this dog here? Jody? Where are you? ''(Arf has a note from Jody that she is in trouble)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': What? She’s gone! Is Jody in some sort of trouble? ''(Arf goes off to find Jody, then Jody’s Mom follows him)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Beat the way, Arf. I’m right behind you. ---- ''(In his imagination, Whopper becomes the king of the jungle)'' :'''Whopper''': Here’s Jungle pup Whopper searching the forest for something to keep Jody warm! :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(Off-screen)'' HELP! :'''Whopper''': The jungle pup princess has been captured by the dreaded black panther! Yeah! Our hero can swing in option! ''(swinging to rescue Bright Eyes)'' Whoa-hoa-hoa! Without any panther’s own safety, Jungle pup Whopper dives endureth the monster of biomass bear tape! ''(Whopper bounces and he attacks the black panther, then he bites his tail. Then his imagination comes back to the real world holding the blanket)'' :'''Bright Eyes and Whopper''': Whoa! :'''Whopper''': Now I know why we dogs learn a lot on the couch. :'''Bright Eyes''': Good work, Whopper! This ought to keep Jody nice and toasty. Come on! ''(The two pups leave)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': What do you think you’re doing?! Get off my truck this instant! :'''Cooler''': Booga-booga-booga! == Episode 27: Good Night, Sweet Pups == ''(Cooler and Nose Marie give Henry a pup named Toby)'' :'''Cooler''': There you go, Henry. One cute little puparoo as promised. :'''Nose Marie''': You’re sure your little ol’ parents said it was okay? :'''Henry''': I’m sure. ''(giggling)'' Come on, Toby. Let’s show you to mom and dad, and thanks, Pound Puppies. ''(Suddenly, they hear Whopper howling from the HQ)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Bless my dog bones! Little ol’ Whopper must be having a nightmare again. :'''Cooler''': We better be pound bound before he wakes up Katrina. ---- ''(Whopper moans and barks)'' :'''Katrina''': Blast it all! That moaning mongrel is at it again! Crying, crying, crying! I’ll give him something to cry about. ''(tripping over the stool)'' Ouch! ''(crashing into the closet)'' Oh! That pesky pooch has yapped his last yap! ''(Down in the HQ)'' :'''Whopper''': ''(moans)'' :'''Cooler''': Whopper, baby cakes, what’s the problem-o? :'''Whopper''': Something was after me. Yeah. ''(imagining it was a ghost, vampire and the army of werewolves)'' It was a ghost. Oh! Vampire had once to suck your blood. No, no. It’s an army of puppy-eating werewolves. ''(howling)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Now, Whopper sugar, you just had another little old bad dream. :'''Bright Eyes''': Jumping jelly beans! How are we ever gonna stop Whopper’s creepy crawly spooky nightmares? :'''Cooler''': With some good old puppy power magic. Abracadoggy-dabra! ---- ''(After having a dream)'' :'''Howler''': Boy, oh boy! Whopper, you gotta get some new dreams. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(rubbing her eyes)'' Yeah. I’m super glad that one’s done. :'''Nose Marie''': Now all we have to do is get you over your little ol’ fear of the dark. :'''Whopper''': No. That’s impossible. No way. Can’t be done, can it? :'''Cooler''': Hey. That spooky jazz-a-rooney is just your imagination working overtime. :'''Whopper''': What’s an imagination? ''(Cooler shows Whopper a guide)'' :'''Cooler''': It’s the place in your head where you make stuff up, and you got the wildest and wackiest imagination in the whole pound. :'''Whopper''': But I’m not making it up! It’s really dark and scary! :'''Nose Marie''': Whopper honey, the dark is just the same as daytime only with a little ol’ lights turned out. :'''Cooler''': And I know just how we can prove it. ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': Finding gums for all the other puppies is as easy as gumdrops. :'''Cooler''': ''(yawning)'' But now that Katrina is on vacation. :'''Nose Marie''': Are you sure you don’t want the little old night light, Whopper? :'''Whopper''': Nah. Tonight, Wonder Whopper is gonna have nothing but sweet dreams. Thanks to all my puppy pals. Goodnight, everybody. ''(turning off the lamp)'' :'''All''': Goodnight, Whopper! == Episode 28: Nose Marie Day == ''(Cooler tells them what Mother’s Day is all about)'' :'''Cooler''': Mother’s Day is that special date when you tell your mum she’s super great. Serving her breakfast on a tray says “I love you” in a wonderful way. But it’s not a gift or the size of amount. It’s the love that comes with it that makes it count. Yes. Mums are the best without any doubt, and that’s what Mother’s Day is all about. :'''Bright Eyes''': I sure wish we had a mum to honor today. :'''Whopper''': But Nose Marie is just like our mum, isn’t she? :'''Bright Eyes''': Yeah. This’ll be her nifty special day, cos we’ll do all the work for her. :'''Howler''': We could call it Nose Marie Day! ''(howling)'' :'''Cooler''': Say, Nose Marie, we have a surprise-aroo for you! :'''Nose Marie''': Not now, Cooler honey. That new little old pup named Freddie is loose upstairs and Katrina has him on the run. ---- ''(A pup named Freddie is being chased by Katrina)'' :'''Freddie''': ''(barks and whimpers)'' :'''Katrina''': Get into that cage, you filthy mongrel! ''(Brattina shuts the cage door)'' :'''Brattina''': And don’t show your smelly doggy face again. :'''Katrina''': Well, don’t just stand there, you two. Where are they? :'''Holly''': Where what? :'''Katrina''': My gifts. It’s Mother’s Day. I’m a mother. Where are my gifts?! :'''Holly''': Oh. Here, Auntie Katrina. ''(She shows Katrina)'' I made this card myself. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Nobody in the world has a mother like you. :'''Katrina''': Ooh, isn’t that sweet? ''(ripping the Mother’s Day card)'' I hate sweet! This isn’t the gift! I want merchandise! I hope you did better, Brattina. :'''Brattina''': You betcha. ''(She shows Katrina a present)'' Happy Mommy Dearest Day. :'''Katrina''': A plant? Uck! It disgusts me. :'''Brattina''': But it’s special, Mommy Dearest. It’s an icky-poo Puppy-Eating Plant. :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies, puppies, puppies! :'''Katrina''': Oh, Brattina! It’s a Mother’s Day dream come true! ''(kissing Brattina)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! Totally gross me out, why don’tcha! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': I love puppies! Puppies! Puppies! ''(Freddie whimpers as the trapdoors open and he slides down to the HQ before Nose Marie catches him)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Freddie dumpling, don’t you worry about that silly old vegetable. We’re going to get you adopted, just as soon as I clean you up with a little old bath. :'''Whopper''': Whoa! Hold on there, ma’am. This here is Nose Marie’s Day, which means you don’t do Narry no work at all. Yeah. :'''Nose Marie''': But… :'''Bright Eyes''': No buts about it. We’ll get Freddie a super-duper bath. :'''Howler''': With my new improved Bath-O-Matic! :'''Whopper''': Bath-O-Matic home! ---- ''(A while later, the whole HQ is flooded from the Bath-O-Matic and it is about to blow up)'' :'''Whopper''': Bark Captain, we’re sinking fast! Abandoned ship to all in its puppy fire furry! :'''Howler''': I think the Bath-O-Matic has some few more adjustments. ''(He is about to make a few more adjustments to it but it explodes into two pieces)'' :'''Whopper''': Ahh! We’ve been hit by enemy fire! :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh! This never happens when Nose Marie gives baths. ---- :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, come and see. I watered unfertilized your new plant. Look at it now! Lookie, lookie, lookie! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, that is adorable! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies, puppies, puppies! ''(licks and slurps)'' I love puppies! ---- ''(Four puppies are playing their violins as Nose Marie is getting bored)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. This pampered life is boring. ''(Freddie comes to see her)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. Sounds like a certain sleepy head needs a nap. :'''Freddie''': ''(yawning)'' Yeah, but I can’t fall asleep with a bedtime story. :'''Nose Marie''': Then your all sit right back and listen, Freddie. Bedtime stories are my specialty. “Once Upon a little old Time…” ''(But Howler and Bright Eyes hoover the bedtime story up)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Stop! Don’t say another word. :'''Nose Marie''': What? :'''Howler''': It’s your day off, remember? We’re doing all your chores for you. :'''Bright Eyes''': Including bedtime stories. :'''Howler''': ''(pushing Nose Marie to the door)'' So go relax, Nose Marie. ''(Howler rushes off)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, fiddly dee! This relaxing is becoming downright exhausting. ''(sighs)'' :'''Freddie''': But who’s going to tell me a story? :'''Whopper''': ''(as an old man)'' The little old storyteller me. Oh, Freddie, my pup. Did I ever tell you about the time I barked at a kitty? Uh, no. I mean a tiger… No, no, no. Was the cat monsters from Mars? :'''Freddie''': Never. :'''Whopper''': Oh, by cracking! ''(imagining he was soaring across the milky way in his ship)'' Them on days. Well, there I was soaring across the street. No. The milky way. When suddenly, they attacked the monster cats. They bombarded my ship with giant killer furballs. Of course, I put up a food fight. ''(Imagination disappears and Whopper fights with a pillow)'' :'''Whopper''': Take that, and that, and that! Oh, by cracking the fur was really flying. Yes, free! Oh, I thought it was a goner. :'''Cooler''': You’re all gonna be goners if you don’t clean up this mess and pronto. :'''Bright Eyes''': Sure thing, Cooler. Sorry. :'''Howler''': This never happens when Nose Marie tells the story. ''(hoovering up the feathers)'' I wish Mother’s Day was over. :'''Whopper''': Yeah. Then Nose Marie could clean up this mess. ---- ''(Freddie snores and Nose Marie snuggles him up with a blanket)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. The little dumpling. How’s every little old thing? Can I do anything for ya? :'''Freddie''': No. Everybody’s taking great care of me. :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. :'''Freddie''': Who are you anyway? :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, I’m just a little old nobody. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Well, I’m obviously not needed around here anymore. So I’d best go somewhere where I am needed. ''(to Puppy Power)'' Puppy Power, let me see. A loving master just for me. ''(Puppy Power appears via Nose Marie; The mover is moving their stuff out from their house)'' :'''Lisa’s Mom''': The movers are almost finished, honey. :'''Lisa’s Dad''': Then let’s get packed with a plane to catch. California, here we come! :'''Lisa’s Mom''': And Lisa, our new home has a great big backyard, so you can finally have that puppy you’ve always wanted. :'''Lisa''': A puppy?! Oh boy, I can’t wait. :'''Nose Marie''': And you won’t have to wait, cos this puppy’s coming with you. ---- ''(Nose Marie is sneaking up as she is about to leave)'' :'''Nose Marie''': So long, Pound Puppies! ''(She leaves the pound)'' ''(Meanwhile, Bratting pulls the wagon with Puppy-Eating Plant on it along)'' :'''Brattina''': I dug the stinky yucky gunky hole. Nice and deep, Mommy Dearest. ''(Puppy-Eating Plant bounces out)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! :'''Katrina''': With my Puppy-Eating Plant guarding the plant, no mongrel will ever escape again! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! Puppies! I love puppies! :'''Cooler''': Whoa! That is one jumbo economy-sized vegetable. :'''All''': ''(groaning)'' Oh. :'''Whopper''': Well, it’s been a long day, riding the range partner. And those cow pups are plumb. Dog-type took her out. :'''Howler''': Which mean we’re bushed. How does Nose Marie do it every day? :'''Cooler''': Beats the fleas out of me, but we have puppy proof of how important Nose Marie is to us. So let’s go tell her. :'''Holly''': That might not be so easy. Nose Marie is gone! :'''All''': What? :'''Holly''': She left a note. ''(reading)'' Dear gang. I’ve gone to get myself adopted. I just hope my new master likes me. :'''Lisa''': Like her? I love her. She’s the most wonderful puppy ever. :'''Lisa’s Mom''': Well then, I guess we’ll just have to take her to California with us. :'''Lisa''': Alright! :'''Nose Marie''': ''(barking squeakily)'' :'''Lisa’s Dad''': Come on, Lisa. We don’t wanna miss our flight. ''(They all get in the car by taxi and off to the airport)'' :'''Holly''': ''(reading continuously)'' If all goes well, I’ll be flying to California today. I missed you all, but at least I’ll be with someone who needs me. Love Nose Marie. :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' This is awful. Nose Marie doesn’t think we need her. :'''Whopper''': Boy! Is she wrong? :'''Bright Eyes''': And she’s leaving on a plane for California! Oh, what do we do? :'''Cooler''': We have to stop her. Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(Pound Puppies are going up in the pupscalator to stop her)'' :'''Cooler''': Follow me, crew! ''So Holly and the Pound Puppies are about to go and find Nose Marie, but they stop as the Puppy-Eating Plant is about to them)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! ''(Pound Puppies and Freddie gasp)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! Puppies! I love puppies! ''(picking them up)'' :'''Holly''': Stop it, you overgrown ruta eater! Put them down! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' The icky-poo puppies are gonna be munched! Gonna be munched! Gonna be munched! The icky-poo puppies are gonna be munched! The plant has caught them all! :'''Cooler''': Eat your puds off us, you overgrown salad bar! :'''Whopper''': Oh! Now I know why you should eat vegetables, so they eat you! ''(The Puppy-Eating Plant kisses the puppies)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Oh, I just love little puppies! Love them, love them, love them! ''(He kisses them again)'' :'''Cooler''': Well, what do you know? He does love puppies. ''(laughs)'' :'''Katrina''': What?! You’re supposed to eat them, not love them, you-you weed! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': The only things I eat are people and kitty-cats who are mean to puppies! ''(They try to run away but they are captured by Puppy-Eating Plant)'' :'''Cooler''': To the airport-a-rooney and step on it! ''(Pound Puppies and Holly leave; Puppy-Eating Plant eats them but he spits them out)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': There are some things that even I won’t eat! Ugh! ---- ''(The plane is about to take off)'' :'''Flight Recorder''': Will all passengers please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take-off? :'''Lisa''': Are you all ready to go, Nose Marie? :'''Nose Marie''': As ready as I’ll ever be, Lisa. :'''Flight Recorder''': Flight Niner five to Los Angeles requests our clearance for take-off. :'''Pilot #1''': Oh, hold the phone, Flight Niner five. We have unauthorized personnel on the runway. :'''Pilot #2''': Correction. We have unauthorized dogs on the runway. ''(They see Pound Puppies coming on the runway)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' :'''Whopper''': ''(Imitating siren noise)'' Hey! Pull over! :'''Flight Recorder''': There’s going to be a short delay, folks. We have a bunch of dogs blocking our take-off. :'''Lisa''': Dogs? ''(Howler howls off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Howler? ''(Nose Marie gets out and runs to the plane door)'' ''(Pound Puppies bark at the plane then the plane door opens)'' :'''Nose Marie''': What are you all doing here? :'''Cooler''': Nose Marie! Don’t leave us, kiddo! I need you! :'''Howler, Bright Eyes and Whopper''': We need you! :'''Holly''': The puppy pound just wouldn’t be the same without you. ''(Nose Marie comes to hug Holly)'' :'''Nose Marie''': I missed you, southern fried goodness! :'''Cooler''': Absitively posolutely! :'''Lisa''': Nose Marie, what’s going on? Oh. Is Nose Marie your dog? :'''Holly''': Well, kind of. You see, we really need her help with the pound. :'''Freddie''': Well, how about another puppy who’s just as nice and cute? Hi. My name’s Freddie. ''(Freddie licks Lisa)'' :'''Lisa''': Oh. Freddie, you’re perfect. ''(They all howl)'' ---- :'''Lisa and Freddie''': Thanks, Pound Puppies! ''(They wave goodbye to Pound Puppies and then the plane takes off)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Another happy adoption. :'''Cooler''': And it’s all thanks to you, Nose Marie. :'''All''': You’re the greatest! ''(They kiss her)'' :'''Nose Marie''': That’s the best little old Mother’s Day present of all! == Episode 29: Snow Puppies == ''(It is a very sunny day at the puppy pound)'' ''(Down below, Pound Puppies are having a relax in the Pound Puppy Lagoon)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa. The only way to beat this heat is to think cool thoughts. Like cooler is cool, ice is cool, the lagoon is cool. :'''Nose Marie''': I’m really sick about poor little old Thunderhawk. ''(Thunderhawk tries to drink but the water is so icy and he pants)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': He’s drinking more water than the otter. He can’t stand the heat! :'''Cooler''': What’s the temp up to now, Whopper? :'''Whopper''': It’s a hundred… a thou… No. A mid-air of core diamond degree! ''(Whopper looks at the thermometer that goes up really high then explodes a little bit)'' :'''Whopper''': Hya! ---- ''(Thunderhawk pants)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Howler, can you tell us why the heat is hitting Thunderhawk so super-duper hard? :'''Howler''': ''(howling)'' The Computer-Pupter should give us the answer. ''(Howler’s Computer-Pupter calculates and says “HOT”)'' :'''Computer-Pupter''': Thunderhawk’s problem is, he’s hot! He’s hot! He’s hot! :'''Cooler''': We know he’s hot, but why is he hotter than the rest of us hotshots? :'''Holly''': I think I have the answer. ''(looking at the book)'' It says here. Thunderhawk’s the Siberian Husky. These dogs thrive best in a cold climate. They love ice and snow. :'''Cooler''': Then what we have to do is get this puparoo a master with an igloo. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Holly''': Puppy Power, do your stuff. Find a place that’s cold enough. :'''Cooler''': ''(to Thunderhawk)'' A master with a freezing home. Someplace maybe north of Nome? :'''Bright Eyes''': Where’s Nome? :'''Whopper''': In Alaska, same time zone is Santa Claus. ''(Puppy Power appears with a boy named Nahook who is polishing his sled in Alaska)'' :'''Oran''': Hey, Nahook. Nice sled! You gonna be in the race on Saturday? :'''Nahook''': Nah. I still don’t have a dog. How can I race? :'''Oran''': Well, maybe you can pull the sled yourself. Ha, ha, ha, ha! :'''Nahook''': Very funny, Oran. ''(sighs)'' :'''Thunderhawk''': I can be Nahook’s sled dog. :'''Holly''': And Nahook could be your new ever loving master. :'''Thunderhawk''': Together, we can win any race. :'''Cooler''': Pups and puppets, we’re snowbound hounds! Alaskey, here we come! ---- :'''Katrina''': ''(sighs)'' I’m miserably hot. The only comfort is knowing those mutts so suffering more than I am. :'''Brattina''': Eww! I don’t think so, Mommy Dearest. Look! ''(Pound Puppies and Thunderhawk are speeding away to Alaska)'' :'''Holly''': Good luck, Pound Puppies! :'''Pound Puppies''': Thanks, Holly! :'''Katrina''': Stop those mongrels! ''(Katrina and Brattina try to get Pound Puppies but they get away)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, blast it all! They’re getting away! ''(They hear the ground sizzling)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(sniffs)'' Mommy Dearest, did you smell something? I think someone is having a cookout. :'''Katrina''': No, Brattina dear. It’s the smell of our bare feet sizzling on the hot pavement. ''(They jump off the ground burning)'' :'''All''': Whoa! ---- ''(At the airport, the parcels and packages are delivered to the Air Mail plane and is about to be ready for take-off)'' ''(In the box saying “Live Animals,” Pound Puppies and Thunderhawk pop out)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Air mailing ourselves to Alaska is a super-nifty idea, Cooler! :'''Howler''': But, kids, please, don’t try this at all. :'''Cooler''': I just hope I haven’t already seen the inflight movie. :'''Katrina''': ''(Off-screen)'' There they are! :'''All''': Uh-oh! :'''Katrina''': Those walking float mongrels won’t get away from me! Grab them! :'''Cooler''': Let’s hit the friendly skies, guys! ''(Katrina tries to take the box but the mechanical hands grab them and put them in the other box)'' :'''Katrina''': Gotcha! No! Let go of me! :'''Brattina''': Take your gunky hands off me! Eww! Icky! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Catgut is put into the box and they close the lid)'' :'''Katrina''': No! Get me out of here! Let me out I say! Where are we going?! ''(The plane door shuts and then the Air Mail plane takes off to Alaska)'' ---- ''(The Air Mail plane lands on the runway and stops) (Pound Puppies and Thunderhawk are wrapped up warm and getting out of the plane) :'''Katrina''': Oh! I’m freezing. And tha-a-at’s all the bunch of those c-c-c-crooked c-c-c-canines. Those mutts drive me nuts! ''(Katrina is now frozen, so Brattina and Catgut have to carry her)'' :'''Brattina''': Come on, Catgut. We have to go far with Mommy Dearest. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ---- :'''Nahook''': Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might. Have this wish I wish tonight. I wish I had a dog to pull my sled to victory. ''(Suddenly, he can hear a sled coming in)'' :'''Whopper''': Ho ho ho! Ho ho Idaho! :'''Nahook''': Who in the world are you? :'''Whopper''': I’m Santa Whopper, and I bought you a present. :'''Thunderhawk''': Hi. My name is Thunderhawk. You need a sled up for the big race? :'''Nahook''': Do I? You bet! :'''Thunderhawk''': And I’m your pup. ''(he licks Nahook)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Aww! Thunderhawk finally has a loving master to care for him! :'''Nahook''': Now listen, Thunderhawk, I want to win that race tomorrow. :'''Thunderhawk''': You got it, Nahook! :'''Nahook''': Great! We’re gonna leave Oran in the slush. :'''Cooler''': Whoa. Looks like winning a race is the only thing those who care about. ---- ''(At Pierre’s General Store)'' :'''Katrina''': Let’s see. We have dog traps, doormats, dog cage, kitty litter. :'''Brattina''': Well, bust my back already, why don’tcha! :'''Katrina''': Now, Pierre, what do you have in a vehicle that will smash anything in its path? :'''Pierre''': I see this may lose it to it now. ''(He presses the button and the door slides open revealing the snow-mobile)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! ---- :'''Race Recorder''': Welcome, Musketeers, to the Junior Cross Country Dog Sled Race. All teams report to the starting line. :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' Ready for the big event, Thunderhawk? :'''Thunderhawk''': No problem. We’re gonna win for sure. :'''Nose Marie''': Well, just as long as you have fun, darling. :'''Oran''': Hey, look! Nahook has a dog! Sort of puny dog, innit? ''(laughing)'' :'''Nahook''': Oh, yeah? Well, we’ll see who’s laughing when I cross the finish line first. :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Chill out, Nahook. You got to remember. Winning isn’t everything. :'''Nahook''': You’re right, Cooler. Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing. ---- :'''Race Recorder''': Musketeers, on your marks, get set… ''(Gunshot in off-screen)'' :'''Nahook''': Mush, Thunderhawk, mush! :'''Whopper''': Go get ‘em, Thunderhawk! :'''Bright Eyes''': We’re behind you all the way! ''(They hear snow-mobile coming in)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' Check out who’s behind us! Katrina Stoneheart! :'''Katrina''': Full speed ahead! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Cooler''': Crew, I believe this is a cute and discadoo! ''(They all run away from her and get on the sledge)'' :'''Cooler''': Howdy-up-aroo! ''(They sled down the hill before Katrina, Brattina and Catgut come at them)'' ''(They sing in a version of “Jingle Bells”)'' :'''Pound Puppies''': Dashing through the snow :In a pound pup open sleigh :O’er the fields we go :Barking all the way ''(barking)'' :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Trouble beaver trap :Makes up smart or shrap :I’ll take down the puppy pound :Makes that lots of fun :'''Pound Puppies''': Oh! Pound Puppies, Pound Puppies :Barking all the way :What a brach always fast :In a pound pup open sleigh :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Pound Puppies, Pound Puppies :There’s no place to run :What a tree the pups are beast :Doggy days are gone ''(They run into the snow dropping the net)'' ''(The polar bear notices the villains riding down the hill, so he chases them)'' ---- ''(At the cabin)'' :'''Brattina''': Nah-nah! We have the icky puppies like yucky rats! :'''Katrina''': ''(using the microphone)'' Pound Puppies, come out with your paws up but we’re coming in after you! What will it be? :'''Whopper''': You can’t take little Whopper alive, see? Yeah. It’s snow, see? ''(They throw snowballs at Katrina)'' :'''Katrina''': Ahh! All right then! We’re coming in! Brattina, get the net! :'''Brattina''': Totally bust my ears, why don’tcha! ---- :'''Cooler''': Quick, we’ll sneakaroo out the back way. ''(Howler opens the backdoor and they sneak out)'' :'''Cooler''': Keep running and don’t look back! :'''Howler''': And more importantly, don’t look down. ''(They stop running and look down at the river below)'' ''(So they run back and grab on a cliff)'' :'''Cooler''': Nose Marie, I believe the next line is yours. :'''Nose Marie''': Well, thank you, Cooler honey. ''(clears throat)'' HELP!! ---- :'''Katrina''': Brattina, I told you to get the net! How long is it going to take? :'''Brattina''': I don’t know, Mommy Dearest. You’ll have to ask stinky Mr. Polar Bear. ''(They notice the polar bear and they are chased away)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh! :'''Polar Bear''': ''(growls)'' :'''Katrina''': Run for your lives! :'''Polar Bear''': ''(growls)'' :'''Brattina''': Icky-icky-icky-poo poo-oo-oo! ---- :'''Cooler''': Yep, we’re still hanging around, but I don’t know about how much longer. ''(The edge of the ice begins to crack)'' :'''Nose Marie''': If only someone could save us! ---- ''(Meanwhile, Thunderhawk is taking the lead in the race)'' :'''Nahook''': That’s it, Thunderhawk! We’re winning! Faster, faster! ''(Thunderhawk is about to win but he notices the Pound Puppies via Puppy Power)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Save us! Please, somebody save us! :'''Nahook''': We’re gonna win, Thunderhawk! We’re gonna win! :'''Nose Marie''': ''(Off-screen)'' Please save us! :'''Thunderhawk''': We’re coming, Pound Puppies! :'''Nahook''': Thunderhawk, what are you doing? Get back on the trail! :'''Thunderhawk''': Something more important has come up, Nahook. :'''Nahook''': For what is more important down the house? ''(The edge of the ice is cracking)'' :'''Cooler''': I’m afraid this is the end of the trail, puparoos! ''(As it cracks, Thunderhawk saves them)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(sighs)'' Oh, my southern fried goodness! We’re saved! :'''Cooler''': Thanks to Thunderhawk! :'''All''': Hooray! ---- :'''Race Recorder''': And the winner of the Junior Cross Country Dog Sled Race is Laura Swanson! :'''All''': Hooray! :'''Oran''': Hey, nice race, Nahook. :'''Nahook''': Thanks, Oran. :'''Oran''': Better luck next time to both of us. ''(They laugh)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(sadly)'' Sorry we lost the race for you, Thunderhawk. :'''Thunderhawk''': ''(sighs)'' I guess I’m not a winner after all. :'''Nahook''': Are you kidding? You’re more than a winner. You’re a hero! And now we both know that there are more important things than winning. :'''Cooler''': Things like being a real pet. :'''Nahook''': You bet. :'''Thunderhawk''': That mean you still wanna adopt me? :'''Nahook''': More than everything. :'''Thunderhawk''': Alright! :'''Nose Marie''': You know what? They both look like winners to me. :'''Howler''': ''(howls off-screen)'' :'''Cooler''': Okay, crew, time to roll. We have to catch the late mail flight back to the pound. ''(They make their way back to the airport)'' :'''Whopper''': Cooler, do you think Katrina will get back to the pound before we do? :'''Cooler''': Gee. I don’t know, Whopper. ''(They can hear polar bear growling at the villains who run away from it)'' :'''Brattina''': Make it stop, Mommy Dearest! Make it stop! :'''Katrina''': Oh, Brattina, stop whining and just keep moving! :'''Cooler''': It depends on how fast she can run. ''(laughs)'' == Episode 30: Where’s the Fire? == :'''Katrina''': Ah! There’s a mongrel right outside the pound. ''(to Brattina)'' DO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS! :'''Brattina''': Well, scream like a banshee, why don’tcha! :'''Katrina''': Oh, stop complaining, Brattina! We have a dog to catch! == Episode 31: The Wonderful World of Whopper == :'''Beezer''': Boy, am I bored? Bored, bored, bordy bored, bored. I’m so bored, I could scream. ''(screams)'' :'''Whopper''': Ahoy, Beezer! How can you be bored with us? All kinds of fun stuff to do around here. :'''Beezer''': Oh. ''(yawning)'' Oh, yeah? Like what? :'''Whopper''': Like, uh, well, let’s see. Like swinging through the jungle for instance? :'''Beezer''': I think your flea color’s on too tight, Whopper. What jungle? :'''Whopper''': I’ll show ya. See my jungle treehouse here? :'''Beezer''': That’s just your dumb old boring doghouse. :'''Whopper''': Yeah, but you can pretend it’s anything you want! Watch this! == Episode 32: Bright Lights, Bright Eyes == :'''Cooler''': Well, today’s the day, Bright Eyes. It’s Talent Show City. :'''Nose Marie''': Are you ready to sing your heart out, honey lam? :'''Bright Eyes''': Ooh, ready and rating to go. I’m gonna knock their socks off. Wish me luck! Although, I know I don’t need it. :'''Cooler''': Hmm. If this is a bragging contest, Bright Eyes will win first place-a-rooney. == Episode 33: Dog and Caterpillar == :'''Whopper''': Cooler! Nose Marie! Bright Eyes! Howler! Help! :'''Cooler''': Whoa! What’s the problem-o? :'''Whopper''': It’s Squiggle! He’s gone! I can’t find him anywhere! :'''Nose Marie''': I thought I saw him wiggling up the little old pupscalator. ''(Whopper runs up the pupscalator)'' :'''Whopper''': Oh, no! Catgut will get him up there! :'''Cooler''': Oh, what a goof! I shoulda warned Whopper that someday his caterpillar pal would have to move on. == Episode 34: Garbage Night: The Musical == :'''Holly''': Here it is! The Pets ‘R’ People Too Restaurant. :'''Cooler''': Whoa, a dress code! No furs, no feathers, no food. :'''Holly''': Right. That’s because it’s only for pet on us and airy animals. :'''Bright Eyes''': What a nifty neato idea! It’s like feeding time at the zoo! :'''Whopper''': Yeah, but they’re eating vegetables and stuffing’s good for ya. I wanna eat junk food. == Episode 35: Peter Pup == ''(At the Wizard of Howls’)'' :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': Oh, mighty Wizard of Howls! We need your help. :'''Nose Marie (Sparkle)''': Tell us how to defeat that wicked ol’ witch Lies-a-lot. :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': You’re our last hope. :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': I am. I am. Well, isn’t that special? ''(howls)'' :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': We’re doomed. :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': L-L-Let me just check my book of spells. A book ski-doodle our book ski-die. Flap see all your pages and fly! ''(Books of spells fly and spin faster and faster around Wizard of Howls)'' :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': Ah, this is how I studied for tests at Wizard School. Nothing better these dizzy spells, but I’m not afraid now. ''(howls)'' I found it! Ah, here’s the way to put the kibosh on Queen Lies-a-Lot. :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': So what do we do? Cast a spell? Mix a potion? Change your kitty litter or what? :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': ''(looking at the book)'' The only way to start our evil is for the puppy who told the lies to admit it. :'''Nose Marie (Sparkle)''': Now if we only knew who the little ol’ fipper was. ''(Peter Pup imagines it is Whopper in his diaper)'' :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': I may be wrong. But my hunch is it’s that dude in the diaper. == Episode 36: Cooler, Come Back == ''(They arrive at the Ends of the Earth)'' :'''Katrina''': Here we are! The Ends of the Earth. Now, to unload our cargo, ''(She reverses backwards over the cliff)'' and give Cooler a bon voyage. ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Katrina, Brattina and Catgut get out of the truck and go to the back, but she realizes that Cooler has escaped)'' :'''Katrina''': No. No! No! That blasted animal’s GONE! ''(The cliff begins to crumble)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! What a icky mess, Mommy Dearest! :'''Katrina''': That’s the sound of the dark crumbling beneath our feet. ''(The cliff collapses and they fall and land into the river)'' :'''All''': Whoa! :'''Katrina''': I’ll get even with you, Cooler! Wherever you ARE!! ''(They fall over the waterfall)'' == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Sitcoms]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]] [[Category:ABC animated TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:Freeform shows]] [[Category:TV shows set in Los Angeles]] 17k7tzttxesg523dy3to3ebgnyfpq9t 3955050 3955047 2026-06-21T12:15:14Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 /* Episode 26: The Rescue Pups */ 3955050 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Pound Puppies (1986 TV series)|Pound Puppies]]''''' is an animated series that premiered on ABC in the United States from September 13, 1986 until December 19 1987. == Episode 1: Bright Eyes, Come Home == ''(The episode begins with tough alley cats trying to catch Bright Eyes, so they jump but they are hit in the manhole lid by Cooler)'' :'''Cooler''': Excuse me? Is this the meeting of alley cat’s anonymous? :'''Bright Eyes''': Cooler! :'''Cooler''': Oh, and I see you started the festivities without me. Rats! I miss all the fun! ''(giggles)'' ''(But the alley cats are getting up and about to catch them)'' :'''Cooler''': Oh, oh, really? Bright Eyes and I would just love to stay in party with you, kitties, except the… Hey! We’re allergic to catnip! ''(giggles)'' Ciao for now! But let’s do lunch real soon, gang! ''(The alley cats jump as Cooler grabs Bright Eyes into the manhole before they stand on it)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Aww, thanks, Cooler. You saved my life. :'''Cooler''': ''(laughs)'' Anytime, Bright Eyes! Anytime! But just tell me one thing. Where have you been?! We’ve been looking everywhere for you! :'''Bright Eyes''': I’m sorry, Cooler. I’ve just been out wandering around, hoping to find myself a home. I sure wish somebody would adopt me. :'''Cooler''': And as fearless leader of the Pound Puppies. It’s my swarm duty to help this pup get adopted into a hap-hap-happy home! :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(giggles)'' Cooler, you’re a coup! :'''Cooler''': And so the heroic crook carries the fair damsel dog in distress back to the puppy pound, where a big surprise is awaiting her! She may find a new home yet because deli people from all over are coming to the pound to adopt… Pound Puppies! ---- :'''Katrina''': Good evening, Holly dear. How did adoption day go? :'''Holly''': Very well, Auntie Katrina. :'''Brattina''': Did you make enough money to pay your electric bill, ha, did ya? Ha, ha. Did ya? :'''Holly''': As a matter of fact, Brattina, we made more than enough. Take a look for yourself… ''(She notices that the money is gone)'' What? The money! It’s gone! ''(Pound Puppies gasp)'' :'''Holly''': ''(Off-screen)'' It’s not here! The money’s gone! :'''Katrina''': Oh, that’s too, too bad, Holly. Now what are you going to do? :'''Holly''': I-I don’t know. :'''Katrina''': Well, you better think of something, dear. Because if that bill isn’t paid in one week, I’m afraid you’ll lose the pound…to me! ---- ''(Sammy Quentin is reading the newspaper while Bright Eyes is relaxing in her bikini and looking at the magazine)'' :'''Cooler''': Psst. Hey, Bright Eyes, how about an autograph? :'''Bright Eyes''': Cooler! Nose Marie! :'''Nose Marie''': Shh! We don’t want to disturb the great Hollywood director. :'''Cooler''': Yeah. So tell us, kid. What’s it like being a famous actress? :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh, it’s so boring! All I do is sit around all day waiting for my next scene to be shot. :'''Nose Marie''': Well, your last performance got rave reviews, darling. It was in just all the papers. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(reading)'' “Dog steals fortunes and gems.” Oh. Oh, no! Oh, what have I done? :'''Cooler''': Upsetting, isn’t it? :'''Bright Eyes''': I’ll say. This picture could ruin my career. Well, that settles it. I’m retiring from show business. :'''Cooler''': Eh, not quite yet, Bright Eyes. To clear your name, you have to give a final farewell performance. :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh. Very well. I suppose I owe it to my public. :'''Cooler''': Uh, yeah. So, here’s what I want you to do, ''(whispering in her ear)''. :'''Bright Eyes''': I like it. I like it! ''(giggles)'' :'''Sammy Quentin''': What? “Katrina Stoneheart buys world’s largest ruby?” I don’t believe it! My old friend Katrina! ''(laughing)'' This should be like taking candy from a baby! ''(laughing again)'' Oh, Bright Eyes, I’ve just found your next starring role! In fact, we’ll start filming tonight. :'''Bright Eyes''': I wouldn’t miss it for the world. == Episode 2: How to Found a Pound == ''(At the HQ, they can hear the sound of barking)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': What is it, Howler? :'''Howler''': It’s Cooler! He picked up the lost pup. We’ve got an emergency on our paws. ''(howls)'' Let’s go. ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': And this is where you’ll stay until some nice person comes to adopt you. :'''Shaky''': ''(gasps)'' Person? Uh-uh. No way, Jose. I’m not going near any one of those people things. ''(Holly and Cooler come to see Shaky)'' :'''Holly''': Uh, is he okay? :'''Shaky''': ''(whimpers)'' :'''Holly''': Uh, don’t be afraid. I’m not gonna hurt you. ''(Shaky whimpers again)'' :'''Cooler''': Shaky, hey, hey! Mellow out, kid! It’s just Holly. What’s your beef? :'''Shaky''': It-It’s those bad humans. You can’t trust them. :'''Holly''': Yeah, I know what you mean. We don’t trust the bad ones, either. :'''Shaky''': You-You-You don’t? :'''Cooler''': Of course not! But not every human is bad. So listen up and dig this dog tale about one of the good ones. ---- ''(Millicent is busy washing the dishes)'' :'''Cooler''': Millie, what do you think you’re doing? :'''Millicent''': I’m washing the dishes. Why? :'''Cooler''': You’ve got to stop working so hard, sweetheart. You look tired. :'''Millicent''': I do? :'''Cooler''': Absolutamente! What you need is a maid. ''(He helps Howler as a maid come in)'' :'''Howler''': Thanks for not embarrassing me. :'''Millicent''': ''(chuckles)'' Merciful heavens! He’s just the funniest thing I’ve ever seen! :'''Cooler''': Then he can stay on as your mate? :'''Millicent''': Oh, ho! Anything! ''(chuckles)'' Anything! :'''Cooler''': Good! ''(He opens the door with more dogs dancing)'' :'''Cooler''': Now, how about the butler, the gardener and the chauffeur? ---- :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' In a few shakes of a dog’s tail, Millie’s house became the haven for homeless canines. But while this party was the coolest, there was a certain party down the street. Her name strikes fear into sane dogs everywhere, Katrina Stoneheart, along with her poor excuse for a pet, Catgut, ''(Catgut meows)'' and her nyah-nyah daughter, Brattina. ''(They can hear dogs barking outside)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, those awful dogs are barking again! Make them stop, Mommy Dearest! Make them stop! :'''Katrina''': I CAN’T STAND IT! Oh -ho-ho-ho! Oh! ''(tearing a paper)'' Oh, I hate the sound of dogs. I hate the smell of dogs. I hate the eyes, ears, noses and even the tails of dogs. :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' We hate the doggies! We hate the doggies! :'''Katrina''': I’ll figure out a way to make great-great aunt Millie get rid of these dogs, or I’ll just scream! ''(poking Brattina’s nose)'' Now, Brattina, go do your chores! :'''Brattina''': But, Mommy Dearest! That’s why we let Holly live here. :'''Katrina''': So, it is. So, it is. Holly! :'''Holly''': Good afternoon, Auntie Katrina. Good afternoon, Brattina. :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Blah! Blah! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': I’m going down to Millie Trueblood’s house. Your chores better be down when I get back. :'''Holly''': Yes, ma’am! ''(She leaves)'' :'''Katrina''': Holly is so cute. I hate cute! I put cute in the blender. ---- ''(Someone is knocking at the door)'' :'''Millicent''': Now who could that be? ''(gasps)'' Why hello, Katrina. :'''Katrina''': Don’t give me any of that sweet stuff, great Aunt Millicent! This is the showdown! ''(Dogs wake up and bark at her)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Millicent''': What’s this? :'''Katrina''': Oh, just something from the Board of Health. Forcing you to get rid of these mangy mutts once and for all! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' So that rotten Katrina Stoneheart was gonna force us pups out into the street and there was nothing Millie could do about it. :'''Howler''': ''(howling nervously)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' As it turned out, Millie couldn’t hang on much longer. :'''Millicent''': Cooler, I love you all very much, but the time has come for me to go. :'''Cooler''': ''(sadly)'' Oh. Hey, quit clowning, Millie. What’ll we do without you? :'''Millicent''': Don’t worry, my dears. With puppy power, I’ll always be with you. If not in my bedside memories. ---- ''(Pound Puppies feel very sad when Millie has passed away)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' And so, at the age of 101 years old, Millie Trueblood went on to her great reward. She was truly a dog’s best friend. :'''Howler''': ''(sadly howling)'' ---- ''(At the Puppy Pound, Pound Puppies and Holly are so depressed that they have lost a good friend)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' Holly took care of us for the next few days, but we were all in the dumps, ooh, especially Howler. :'''Howler''': I’m so depressed. :'''Cooler''': ''(voiceover)'' Then all of a sudden, things went from bad to pit city. ''(But Katrina Stoneheart, along with Brattina and Catgut, come to Millie’s Puppy Pound)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' Well, Holly, it looks like all your cute little puppy friends will have to find a new place to live. :'''Holly''': What do you mean, Auntie Katrina? :'''Katrina''': It’s perfectly simple, my dear. My aunt Millie didn’t leave a will. So, her estate, the house and this flea trap will automatically go to her next of kin namely me. ''(They all gasp)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' We’re gonna be rich! We’re gonna be rich! :'''Holly''': But why can’t the puppies stay here? :'''Katrina''': Because I am going to tear down this dump and put up condos! ''(laughs evilly)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': At 10am tomorrow, it’s mine, all mine! That’s when the judge will hand me the deed to Millie’s estate. :'''Brattina''': Then it’s goodbye, puppy pound! ''(Catgut destroys the model puppy pound)'' :'''Katrina''': And hello, Stoneheart condominiums! ''(They laugh evilly)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': Okay, team, we’ve got just one chance to save the pound from the clutches of our rival… ''(flipping round the board)'' Katrina Stoneheart! :'''All''': Ooh! :'''Cooler''': We have to score the big touchdown and find Millie’s will! Pound Puppies, let’s get pounding! :'''All''': Hooray! :'''Bright Eyes''': 2, 4, 6, 8! Who do we depreciate? :'''Howler, Nose Marie and Whopper''': Cooler! Cooler! Hooray! :'''Cooler''': I love a team that respects its coach. ''(laughs)'' ---- ''(The rooster crows off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Alas and the lack! We’ll never find that little old will. :'''Howler''': We’ve looked everywhere! :'''Whopper''': ''(popping out Howler’s hat)'' And we mean everywhere. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(exhausted)'' 2, 4, 6, 8! Can’t find the will! It’s getting late! :'''Cooler''': Don’t give up now, team. It’s always darkest before the dawn. :'''Nose Marie''': But, Cooley honey, it’s past dawn. The rooster has already crowed his last cock-a-doodle-doo. :'''Cooler''': This is no time for chickening out, Nose Marie. We still have till 10am. ---- :'''Katrina''': So, you honor, being Millicent Trueblood’s only living relative, I’ve come to demand the deed to her estate. :'''Brattina''': And close down that icky-poo dog pound, right, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': Yes, Brattina, dear. It’s a dream come true. :'''Attorney''': Well, then. Let’s proceed with the formalities of reading the deed. “To it. Here in stated the wherewithal of the party of the first part being under the conditions and terms of the party of the second part, and the party of the third part not… :'''Katrina''': ''(sighs)'' This could take forever. :'''Attorney''': …does the party of the first part.” ---- :'''Cooler''': So, Shaky, there may be a few rotten apples in this cooky place we call a world. But if you just keep your peepers aglow, you’ll find the good ones. :'''Shaky''': That was a keen story, Cooler. And look, I’m not afraid of people anymore! :'''Holly''': And we’re gonna find your home with people who will love you. :'''Nose Marie''': Speaking of love, Cooler honey bunny. Sugar plum, there’s still a full moon out. ''(She is about to kiss Cooler but he dodges and she actually kisses Howler)'' :'''Howler''': Did you just… uh, no, nose, on my lips? A whole face? You… You put on… ''(howls)'' I never knew you cared. ''(Then he falls and lies down)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(to Cooler)'' I do believe my sugar lips have missed their intended destination. :'''Cooler''': ''(chuckles)'' ''(Then Nose Marie kisses him and then he also falls and lies down)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Bullseye! ''(laughs)'' == Episode 3: From Wags to Riches == :'''Brattina''': Who’s coming, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': Mmm. Investors, Brattina. Investors in this scheme that will get rid of those Pound Puppies once and for all. ''(Suddenly, they hear the car pulling over)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh. My investors are here. ''(The car driver lets the Belveshires out of the car)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(happily)'' Lord and Lady Belveshire, the third richest couple in the country. And I intend to take them for an absolute fortune. ---- :'''Holly''': So that’s her plan! She’s gonna close us down and put up condos. :'''Cooler''': Not if we can help it. Come on, Buster. Your tornado act might come in handy. :'''Buster''': Certainly! ---- ''(Holly and the Pound Puppies are going inside the Belveshires’ mansion)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(using the binoculars)'' All the puppies are inside, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': Now’s your chance, Catgut. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': I want you and your friends to sneak into that house and shred everything inside. ''(Catgut whistles to his friends who come to see him and stop)'' :'''Katrina''': But don’t let anyone see you. I want those flea-bitten puppies to take them blame. ''(Catgut and his friends sneak up to their mansion)'' :'''Katrina''': Good luck! And have a ripping good time! ''(laughs evilly)'' == Episode 4: Snowbound Pound == :'''Whopper''': We made it! Doc Weston’s office! :'''Cooler''': Thanks, Mac. Keep the change! :'''Cab Driver''': I hate getting paid with rawhide doggie chews. ---- :'''Mr. Nabbit''': Oh now, actually, according to the manual here, the pipe goes into lug nut D. :'''Katrina''': I’ll fix your lug nuts if you don’t get me out of here! :'''Mr. Nabbit''': I’m gonna follow the instructions, Miss Stoneheart. :'''Katrina''': Brattina! Get me a can opener! == Episode 5: The Fairy Dogmother == :'''Catgut''': ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Catgut puts the dog head suit over his head and runs off and pushes the trash cans over)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(barks like a dog)'' :'''Cat Thug #1''': Hey! It’s that sloppy mutt who’s been disturbing the peace! :'''Cat Thug #2''': Let’s teach him some manners! ''(Cat Thugs chase Catgut disguising as a dog)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Catgut runs off but Zazu puts a spell on him)'' :'''Zazu''': Kitty-cat, you’re out of luck! The zipper on your suit is stuck! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Cat Thugs come to a stop and are about to attack him)'' :'''Cat Thug #2''': Okay, buddy. We’re gonna put an end to your one-dog Wrecking Crew! ''(Cat Thugs attack Catgut in disguise and he runs off then Cat Thugs go after him)'' :'''Cooler''': Looks like Catgut’s really gone to the dogs. ---- ''(Brattina sees Holly dancing with Mervin)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, look! Holly’s here and she’s dancing with my Mervin! :'''Katrina''': How did she get here? Well, I’ll put a stop to this. == Episode 6: Whopper Cries Uncle == ''(Holly and Pound Puppies are sitting outside of the pound)'' :'''Holly''': But no food and no money, I’ll have to close down the pound. :'''Bright Eyes''': Don’t worry, everybody. We’ll get by without money or food. We can live on love! :'''Nose Marie''': ''(chuckles)'' How’s that sound to you, Cooler honey? :'''Cooler''': I’d rather have some loose change in a baloney sandwich, thank you very much. ''(Katrina drives and stops on a muddy puddle splashing on them)'' :'''Brattina''': Bye, Holly! We’re going to the dog hater’s convention! Yah! :'''Katrina''': And we won’t be back until late tonight. :'''Brattina''': So try to hose yourself up before we get back. :'''Katrina''': Aren’t we the mean ones though! ''(Katrina and Brattina laugh evilly)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(scoffs)'' If abate’s so terribly ladylike, I’d give Katrina’s ankle bone a severe nibbing. ''(Suddenly, they hear Uncle J.R. howling somewhere)'' :'''Cooler''': Sounds like a hologram. :'''Howler''': It’s for Whopper. Dear Nephew, stop. I’m stopping by puppy pound today for brief. Stop, stop. Your Uncle J.R. Whopper. Stop. Stop, stop. == Episode 7: In Pups We Trust == :'''Cooler''': All right, pups! It’s time for operation find Howler! Nose Marie, Bright Eyes, Whopper, hit the streets! :'''All''': Righto! :'''Cooler''': Sherlock, you and the other pups help Holly with the repairs. :'''Sherlock Bones''': A-yup, a-yup, a-yup! :'''Cooler''': Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! :'''All''': Hooray! == Episode 8: The Captain and the Cats == ''(Cooler and Nose Marie are about to rescue them, but the Mouseketeers stop and turn to them)'' :'''Mouseketeer #1''': Egad! Small dogs! :'''Mouseketeer #2''': Go away! Shoo! Scat! :'''Cooler''': What do you mean? We’re trying to save you, cookie cats. This truck’s on a one-way trip to Palookaville. :'''Mouseketeer #3''': Mind your own business, governor. We’re-We’re on a vital mission. ''(Cooler and Mouseketeer #3 let go)'' :'''Mouseketeer #1''': Yes, indeed. The next time you start to rescue someone, why don’t you ask permission first? :'''Cooler''': Oh, boy. You cats were confused, but these dudes are out to lunch. == Episode 9: Secret Agent Pup == :'''Katrina''': Ah! Oh, a day on the beach has worked wonders for me, girls. :'''Holly''': You do seem more relaxed, Auntie Katrina. :'''Katrina''': Oh, I am, Holly. I feel like all my Pap-puppy troubles are behind me. ''(Suddenly, she can hear cars revving up and coming in)'' :'''Katrina''': Puppies! Puppies! Lots and lots of puppies! :'''Brattina''': Icky, icky, icky-poo! :'''Holly''': Cooler? :'''Cooler''': We’ll explain later, Holly! Ciao for now! :'''Katrina''': Puppies! Puppies! ''(howls)'' == Episode 10: Wagga-Wagga == :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' The captain’s found the booklet! The captain’s found the booklet! Jumpy-joy! Boy, oh boy! The captain’s found the booklet! :'''Captain Slaughter''': ''(speaking in foreign language)'' :'''Katrina''': Dog fur coats! Here we come! The Puppy Pelter is ready for blast-off! Brattina! How do we start this thing? :'''Brattina''': Uh, it’s hard to tell, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': ''(Off-screen)'' What do you mean? :'''Brattina''': ''(She shows Katrina)'' The instruction booklet’s written in Chinese. :'''Katrina''': NO! It can’t be! Not Chinese! No! No, no! Why did I ever study French?! I CAN’T STAND IT! == Episode 11: The Star Pup == :'''Byron''': And now what makes you think you have to stop up? :'''Whopper''': I know all about stars and pups. ''(imagining the ball is in high falling)'' In fact, we may have some more of pups used to live on a star. Yeah boy, it was in high. A mill… zill… A kabillion degrees. ''(imagining he and pups look at the temperature going up higher then pops, drinking water and flies the spaceship)'' But we stay cool by drinking lots of water and keeping the flying saucer’s windows rolled down. Yeah! :'''Byron''': You know, I wish this kid had some Rye Bread. I hate for all that baloney to go to waste. Well, the star pup must be honest and true, and that eliminates you. ''(Whopper falls through the trap door)'' == Episode 12: Happy Howlidays == ''(Holly is putting little kennels with pups on the back of the sleigh)'' :'''Holly''': The sleigh’s all loaded up. :'''Cooler''': Then let’s hitch up our reindeer and hit the road! Hey, Rudolph, front and center! :'''Howler''': Rudolph, Shmoo-Dolph! How do we get talked into these things? :'''All''': Hooray! ''(They all set off)'' :'''Cooler''': By the way, Holly, where’d you find all these great presents to hand out? :'''Holly''': I bought ‘em. :'''Cooler''': With what? Money. May I be so bold as to ask, perchance? :'''Holly''': With the pound’s money! :'''Nose Marie''': The pound’s money? You mean we had money left over after paying the bills? :'''Holly''': What bills? We haven’t gotten any bills since July. Isn’t that wonderful? :'''Nose Marie''': Wonderful? I’d say it’s downright fishy. :'''Cooler''': ''(sniffs)'' And it has the distinct aroma of Katrina Stoneheart. ---- :'''Holly''': Closed? But how can you close the pound? :'''Chief Williams''': I’m sorry to do this on Christmas Eve, Holly, but the pound is so behind in its bills. Well, I just had to close it down. I’m very sorry. ''(Dog whines)'' :'''Holly''': What bills is he talking about? We didn’t get any bills. :'''Katrina''': Oh, Holly! :'''Cooler''': This may be your answer coming down the street. :'''Katrina''': I have a Christmas present for you. Five months of overdue bills! You can possibly pay them! ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Brattina drops all the letters over Holly)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Yah-yah! Read ‘em and weep! :'''Holly''': I can’t believe this! :'''Katrina''': Well, it’s true. Now come home, young lady. You’re going straight to bed. :'''Holly''': No! I wanna stay with the puppies! ''(Katrina drags Holly)'' :'''Katrina''': Too bad! You’re coming home this instant! :'''Holly''': No, you can’t do this! Please, Auntie Katrina! Please! ''(Katrina laughs evilly)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howling sadly)'' ---- ''(Off-screen)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(sobs)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina! What is wrong with you? :'''Brattina''': I didn’t get anything for Christmas. It’s not fair! ''(crying)'' :'''Katrina''': What do you mean, my little jalapeno? All these presents are for you. :'''Brattina''': But it’s not enough, Mommy Dearest! I didn’t get my bitter piranha bathtub toy, or my Suzy Spit-up Doll, or my… :'''Katrina''': Oh, Brattina, stop whining! You should be grateful, you’re not one of those wretched Pound Puppies freezing out in the cold! Just look at them! They don’t even have a home for Christmas and they’re not crying! ''(They see the neighborhood outside)'' :'''Brattina''': Boy! I’ll say they’re not crying. They look happy, Mommy Dearest! :'''Katrina''': What? What are those people doing out there? Why aren’t they home opening their gifts? Don’t they know it’s Christmas? ---- :'''Holly''': Oh, puppies! It looks like Santa’s been here, and these love presents for everyone! A million, a billion… A kazillion presents! Yeah! :'''Whopper''': Oh, boy! ''(Pound Puppies but Cooler go into the pound)'' :'''Grey Cat''': ''(meows)'' :'''Cooler''': Psst. Kitty, want some warm milk? :'''Grey Cat''': ''(meows)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(to the audience)'' Well, you can’t expect every episode to end with a joke. Happy Holidays, kids! ''(Cooler goes back into the pound)'' == Episode 13: Ghost Hounders == :'''Whopper''': Oh, what a guy! ''(After his imagination)'' :'''Whopper''': And that’s the story of how we were all rescued by Wonder Whopper and Biff Barker the world’s greatest ghost hounder. :'''Nose Marie''': Whopper, where do you dream up all this nonsense about Biff Barker? :'''Whopper''': But there’s not nonsense! He’s a star of the ghost hounder’s TV show. ''(He goes back to his house)'' :'''Whopper''': And I’m an official member… No. The treasure… Oh. The president of the Biff Barker fan club. Yeah. ''(pushing the lever down and all his things come out)'' Biff Barker’s an honest-to-goodness real ghost hounder and my hero! :'''Cooler''': Hmm. I wonder if Biff Barker ever ran into the ghost of the Terrible Terrier! :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(chuckles)'' Ghost of the Terrible Terrier? :'''Holly''': Yes! The ghost of the Terrible Terrier! Late at night, you can hear a moan. :'''Cooler''': A ghoulish, gruesome, ghastly groan. He calls “I’ll get you! I’ll get you! I’ll get you!” ''(They shiver as they think they can get them)'' :'''Cooler''': Boo! ''(The other Pound Puppies are scared and running off)'' ''(Cooler and Holly laugh)'' :'''Holly''': We got him good with that one, Cooler! ''(But the ghost of the Terrible Terrier laughs behind them)'' :'''Holly''': We’ve already scared them enough, Cooler. Don’t overdo it. :'''Cooler''': That wasn’t me. ''(The Terrible Terrier roars at them)'' :'''Holly''': It’s the Terrible Terrier! :'''Cooler''': Well, it ain’t rimp tin tin! ''(The Terrible Terrier roars at them)'' :'''The Terrible Terrier''': Pound Puppies! Be gone from here by midnight tomorrow, or else! :'''Whopper''': Or else what, doggy breath? ''(The Terrible Terrier spits the dirt out to them and leaves)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(to Whopper)'' You had to ask. ---- :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Holly believes in ghosts! Holly believes in ghosts! Only fools believe in ghouls! Holly believes in ghosts! :'''Katrina''': Oh, Holly. Of all the silly willy stories. :'''Holly''': But it’s true, Auntie Katrina! It was a real ghost and he warned us to leave the pound by midnight tonight! :'''Katrina''': Now, now, Holly. You probably just had a nightmare. We all know there are no such things as ghosts. Oh! Well, ta-ta, girls. I’m off. ''(She opens the door but here comes the Terrible Terrier)'' :'''The Terrible Terrier''': ''(roars)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(screaming)'' :'''Brattina''': Yuck! Ugh, yuck! :'''The Terrible Terrier''': I warn you! Be gone by midnight, or else! ''(He runs up the chimney)'' :'''Brattina''': It’s gone, Mommy Dearest. The disgusting icky-poo ghost is gone. :'''Katrina''': And so are we! We’re moving out of this house by tonight. :'''Holly''': Move? But what about my Puppies? :'''Brattina''': Who cares about your icky-poo puppies? :'''Katrina''': Now, now, Brattina, Holly cares very much for those, those hideous mongrels. Oh, well, I suppose we could all move, Holly. The puppies too. :'''Holly''': You mean it, Auntie Katrina? The puppies can come with us? :'''Katrina''': Yes, dear, if that’s what you want. :'''Holly''': Gosh! Thanks, Auntie Katrina! This is wonderful! :'''Katrina''': You don’t know the half of it, girlie. ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(They laugh evilly)'' ---- :'''Nose Marie''': So, that’s where Katrina was packing us off to. Why, that woman’s nothing more than a… ''(A “CENSORED” sign appears followed by a cuckoo clock sound)'' :'''Nose Marie''': That’s what she is! :'''Cooler''': Ooh, please! Nose Marie, try to clean up your language! :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, well, pardon my little ol’ peaches. == Episode 14: Whopper Gets the Point == ''(Dr. Simon pulls the handle of the bell and then the cat bell rings)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, Dr. Simon. Please do come in and give the puppies their painful shots. :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Give the dogs a shot! Make them cry a lot! Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Lots of painful shots! :'''Dr. Simon''': Actually, the shots aren’t that painful. The dogs will barely feel a thing. :'''Brattina''': Bummer! :'''Katrina''': A total bummer. :'''Dr. Simon''': All right, Holly, I’m ready. Would you please bring me the dogs? All the dogs. :'''Holly''': Sure thing, Dr. Simon. Let’s go, puppies. Shot time. ---- :'''Dr. Simon''': I’m finished, Miss Stoneheart. Here’s my bill. :'''Katrina''': Huh! This is the last time I spend money on shots that don’t hurt. It’s an outrage! :'''Dr. Simon''': Good day, Miss Stoneheart. ''(Katrina looks at the bill Dr. Simon gave her)'' :'''Katrina''': Wait a minute. You build me for 10 shots. There are only 5 dogs in this pound. :'''Dr. Simon''': Nope. They were 10. ''(Pound Puppies take their disguises off)'' :'''Brattina''': It's Cooler and those icky-poo gang. :'''Katrina''': And I just paid for their shots! Stop them! ''(They try to stop them, but Pound Puppies rush off before Katrina, Brattina and Catgut land on the mud)'' :'''Pound Puppies''': Follow us, puparoos! ''(Pound Puppies leave the pound and then the other puppies bark and follow them)'' :'''Brattina''': They escaped, Mommy Dearest! Cooler helped every one of your yucky puppies get away! :'''Katrina''': I hate those dogs! ---- ''(Five puppies are adopted by each of five kids and they bark)'' :'''Whopper''': Five happy puppies and five happy adoptions! :'''Cooler''': Well, when it comes to adoptions, I guess you could call us, Pound Puppies, a bunch of big shots. ''(laughs)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howling)'' == Episode 15: The Bird Dog == ''(Later in the evening, Katrina, Brattina and Catgut are looking for puppies somewhere to catch but they hear dogs barking)'' :'''Brattina''': Hear that, Mommy Dearest? It’s that icky-poo puppy and her yucky bird. :'''Katrina''': I know, but where are they hiding? ''(They hear them barking underground)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Brattina''': Catgut says they’re under the gunky ground. :'''Katrina''': Worms and gophers are underground, you furball. Not dogs and birds. Now quit clowning around. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': Your rebel days are through, Cooler! ---- :'''Cooler''': We were so busy with Cheep-Cheep. We almost forgot to find Schap a home. :'''Nose Marie''': Your new masters are waiting, Schap honey. ''(Schap comes to his masters and licks them)'' :'''Cooler''': Hey, guys. Nice job! And like I always say “May birds and dogs of a feather flock together.” ''(laughs)'' :'''All''': Yay! :'''Bright Eyes''': Cheep, cheep, cheep! :'''Cheep-Cheep''': ''(tweeting in a barking way)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(laughs)'' I couldn’t have said it better myself. ''(laughs)'' == Episode 16: Tail of the Pup == ''(Truck saying “Dog Catcher” arrives at the puppy pound; gate opens then truck enters and stops) (Four new puppies are barking at the back of the truck while Pound Puppies pop out watching them)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(writing down on the clipboard)'' Four more cute little old pups ready for adoption, Cooler. :'''Cooler''': Let’s just hope they’re ready to meet the evil queen of creepiness. Katrina Stoneheart. ''(Katrina, Brattina and Catgut come out with a box on the wheelbarrow)'' ''(As the coast is clear, they all sneak up passing Holly who is watering the plants)'' :'''Holly''': Howdy, guys. :'''All''': Howdy, Holly. :'''Katrina''': Welcome, doggies. Now, let’s get one thing straight right off the bat. You’ll never escape from my pound! NEVER! ''(blowing the pups into the cage)'' ''(Catgut shuts the cage door)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows then laughs in an evil grin)'' :'''Brattina''': And no one can help you, not even Cooler and his icky-poo puppy pals. :'''Bright Eyes''': Golly gee! :'''Whopper''': That’s us! :'''Katrina''': And if Cooler’s pack shows up around here, we’ll be waiting with… the Vacuum Vortex. ''(The box opens revealing the Vacuum Vortex and then Katrina turns it on)'' :'''Four Puppies''': Yipe! ''(The Vacuum Vortex eats the wanted poster and locks it up in the cage)'' :'''Katrina''': Cooler and his mongrel mob will be turned into a canine cage! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Cooler''': Yes, folks! It dices, it slices, and it’s only 1995! ''(laughs)'' ''(However, the Vacuum Vortex sniffs along and he is about to eat them)'' :'''Cooler''': Uh-oh! It’s on to us, crew! Let’s hit the pain! ''(They all slide down to the HQ before it eats the garbage cans)'' :'''Katrina''': Why is that bucket of boats chewing up garbage cans? :'''Brattina''': Maybe it’s hungry. :'''Katrina''': Blasted contraption must need a tune-up. Take it back to the garage, Brattina! :'''Brattina''': Yes, sure, Mommy Dearest. Come on, Vacuum. ---- :'''Holly''': Don’t worry, puppies. You have more friends here than you think. ''(The trapdoor opens sending them down to the HQ)'' :'''Cooler''': Forget about Katrina, pups and puppets. We have some tail wagging good news. So listen up. ''(Their ears point up as they listen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': We’re gonna find each and every one of you. :'''Cooler''': A hap-hap-happy home! :'''Four Puppies''': Yeah! ''(Then they wags their tails except Pal who doesn’t get his tail wagging)'' ''(Whopper notices Pal’s tail with his magnifying glass)'' :'''Whopper''': By Jove, Pal, old chap! What’s wrong with your tail? It should be wagging. :'''Pal''': I don’t know. My tail never wags. :'''Bright Eyes''': It never wags? :'''Nose Marie and Cooler''': It never wags? :'''Pal''': It never wags. And no one wants to adopt the pup whose tail won’t wag. :'''Nose Marie''': ''(picking him up)'' Now don’t you worry your cute little old head, Pal, dear. :'''Cooler''': Because we’re gonna fix your wagger. :'''Whopper''': And for emergencies like this, who do you call? Young Doctor Whopper! ''(He pokes his tail to make it straight)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': What do you make of it, doc? :'''Whopper''': I think it’s a tail. :'''Cooler''': That much we know, but why won’t it wag? :'''Whopper''': Its batteries must be worn out, but I think we’ll have to operate. :'''Pal''': Operate? What for? :'''Whopper''': To install a new tail. :'''Cooler''': ''(chuckles)'' You’re barking up the wrong tree, Whopper. :'''Nose Marie''': Pal doesn’t need a new tail. He needs a reason to wag his own tail. :'''Cooler''': So, let’s give him a reason. Let’s cheer up this pup! :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh, oh! Cheering up is my specialty! :'''Nose Marie''': Then, Bright Eyes, do your stuff! :'''Bright Eyes''': All right! ''(picking Pal up on her head)'' Come on, Pal! Quit your dragging! It’s time to set your tail wagon. Let’s have fun. No more gloom. Welcome to the Rumpus Room. :'''Pal''': Wow, wow! ''(watching the pups having fun)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': This is where we pups gotta wag our tails and have a flash. So let’s blast off! ''(So she slides down holding Pal)'' :'''Bright Eyes and Pal''': Whee! ''(Then land on Merry-go-round and laugh as it goes round quite fast making them fly off and land on cushions)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(laughing as her tail wags)'' :'''Pal''': ''(laughs)'' Oh, cats! It’s still not wagging. Let’s face it. It’ll never wag. :'''Cooler''': Whoa. Don’t give up so fast, my little puparoo. :'''Nose Marie''': We’ve got someone who can put some bounce in your behind. ''(So they go up the pupscalator to the gizmo lab)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': Pal, this is Howler, our expert inventor. :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' Uh, uh, pleased to meet you, Pal, and don’t worry about a thing. I have an invention here that’s guaranteed to defrost your frozen tail. ''(He shows Pal his new invention)'' I call it “the Wag-O-Matic.” :'''Pal''': Gee! Do you think it’ll really work? :'''Howler''': There’s one way to find out. Let’s hook you up and switch it on. ''(switching it on)'' Now, that’s what I call wagging. :'''Cooler''': ''(Off-screen)'' But everything’s wagging except his tail. ---- ''(Pal is still unable to get his tail wagging)'' :'''Howler''': Sorry, Pal. I guess my invention was a bust. :'''Holly''': But Katrina’s invention is back in action. :'''Brattina''': The Vacuum Vortex is all turned up, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': Excellent, Brattina! Now, let’s give it a vile demonstration. Are you ready, Catgut? :'''Catgut''': ''(meows nervously)'' :'''Brattina''': We just set the gunky controls to the cat. :'''Katrina''': And we turn it on. ''(Catgut runs away from the Vacuum Vortex that tries to eat him)'' ''(He climbs up on the tree before he eats it)'' ''(Then he runs and lands on Katrina’s face as he trembles)'' :'''Katrina''': Get out of my face, you coward! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Then the Vacuum Vortex sucks him in pulling Katrina’s wig off and she screams)'' ''(Catgut is now in the cage coming out of the back)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows angrily)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, you look scary. ''(Katrina kisses it)'' :'''Katrina''': But it works, Brattina. It works! Now we can finish our Cooler and his pack of pesky pooches, for good! ''(laughs evilly)'' ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh, no! How are we ever gonna sneak Pal and the other pups out now? :'''Pal''': ''(miserably)'' Don’t worry about me, guys. I’m stuck here forever, remember? No one wants to adopt the pup whose tail won’t wag. :'''Cooler''': You know, Pal, I’ve been thinking. We’ve been trying to get your tail the wag, but we’ve blown it. Because, hey, we can’t make it wag. :'''Holly''': What Cooler is trying to say, Pal, is that the wag has to come from inside of you. :'''Nose Marie''': Straight from your little old heart. :'''Pal''': Straight from my heart? :'''Cooler''': Come on. We’ll show ya in the Hall of Puppy Power. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Pal, deep within every dog’s heart is a gift known as puppy power. ''(She has a wand with a bone at the end of it and presses Pal’s head to show the puppy power with Holly in it)'' :'''Holly''': It’s the magical love shared by puppies and children. :'''Nose Marie''': Us and Holly has puppy power. :'''Holly''': That’s right, Pal. And now we’d like you to meet a special boy. His name is Greg. ''(Puppy Power changes to a special boy named Greg)'' :'''Pal''': Gee! His tail’s not wagging either. ''(Greg waves goodbye to his best friend in the car and leaves him behind being lonely)'' :'''Holly''': That’s right. He’s lonesome because his best friend just moved away to another town. :'''Nose Marie''': Pal, do you think you might be able to cheer Greg up? :'''Pal''': Who? Me? I-I don’t know. But-But I’d sure like to try, could I? :'''All''': Huh? ''(Pal’s tail begins to wag)'' :'''Pal''': I’d really like to help him. I really would. I’d love to cheer up Greg, ''(howling)'' and howl. :'''Holly, Bright Eyes and Whopper''': His tail’s wagging! :'''Nose Marie''': It’s a puppy’s dream come true! Having someone to love. :'''Pal''': It’s the happiest day of my life! :'''Holly''': Come on, Pal. Greg’s waiting to adopt you! :'''Cooler''': Yo, Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! :'''All''': Yay! ''(They all get into the pupscalator)'' ---- ''(The Vacuum Vortex sniffs around as they sneak up quietly)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Be super-duper quiet, Pal. I’ll bet the Vacuum Vortex can hear a pin drop. ''(But the pin on Whopper’s diaper drops causing the Vacuum Vortex to chase them)'' :'''Cooler''': All right, who dropped the pin? :'''Whopper''': Sorry! I guess my diaper drooped. Oh, how embarrassed. :'''Cooler''': Well, undroop it. Let’s get outta here! ''(So Whopper puts his diaper back on)'' ''(The Vacuum Vortex is about the get them; Katrina, Brattina and Catgut come out)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' Oh, at last! The Vacuum Vortex is about to crush Cooler and his cronies! :'''Holly''': Oh, no! ''(Cooler opens the brick wall)'' :'''Cooler''': Shake a leg, crew! In fact, shake all 4 legs! ''(He notices it coming towards him)'' :'''Cooler''': Howdy-up-aroo! ''(He jumps up before it bumps into the wall)'' ''(Cooler lands on it)'' :'''Cooler''': Yee-haw! Ride ‘em, cowdog! :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, it’s that yucky icky-poo, Cooler. :'''Katrina''': Get him, you reckless hunk of junk! Suck him off! :'''Cooler''': Hmm. This pony ride needs a minor adjustment. R-A-T spells rat, which stands for Katrina! ''(The Vacuum Vortex is about to get them)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh! Oh, no! It’s gone berserk! Oh! Oh! Run for it! :'''All''': Whoa! ''(They try to run away from it but it sucks them in locking them up in each cage)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! Icky-yucky, stinky smelly cages! :'''Catgut''': ''(hisses)'' :'''Katrina''': Someday, I’ll get you for this, Cooler. Someday! :'''Cooler''': And someday, Katrina may find the key to unlock a cage, but not someday soon! ''(laughs)'' :'''Holly''': ''(laughs)'' ---- ''(Pal is adopted with Greg at his home)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(cries)'' I’m so happy for little old Pal. :'''Cooler''': Hey. Pull yourself together, Nose Marie. :'''Nose Marie''': I can’t help it. I always cry at adoptions. ''(She cries and blows her nose)'' :'''Pal''': ''(barks)'' :'''Greg''': Now, neither of us will ever be lonely again, Pal. ''(Greg and Pal hug together with love)'' :'''Cooler''': And that’s what I call a tail with a happy ending. ''(laughs and wags his tail)'' == Episode 17: King Whopper == ''(They reach the signpost that says “Grove Avenue” on the left and “Cherry” on the right)'' :'''Cooler''': Hey, check it out. That’s the correctamundo street: Grove Avenue. :'''Nose Marie''': It won’t be long now, Bessie honey. :'''Cooler''': Okay, let’s move out! ''(Meanwhile, Katrina, Brattina are still on the Compactor Tractor catching them up)'' :'''Katrina''': Aha! There they are! Cooler and his mutt friend all get ahead. Full travel forward! :'''Brattina''': Aye-aye, Mommy Dearest! :'''Katrina''': No, Brattina! Watch where you’re going! ''(Compactor Tractor eats three vehicles)'' :'''Katrina''': You crud! Where did you get your driving license? :'''Brattina''': I’m only 11 years old, Mommy Dearest. I don’t have a license. In fact, I don’t even know how to drive. That’s all. ---- ''(Back at the HQ)'' :'''Whopper''': Bright Eyes, peel me a grape. :'''Bright Eyes''': Sorry. My hands are full. :'''Whopper''': Oh! I just wonder if this statue of me is going to be big enough. :'''Bright Eyes''': It’s so big. They’ll never find a place for all the stone chips. :'''Whopper''': Bright Eyes, never bother a king with tiny details! == Episode 18: Tuffy Gets Fluffy == :'''Holly''': The gang should be just about finished giving Tuffy a bath. ''(Holly opens the door but the water comes in and Whopper and Tuffy are surfing on the door)'' :'''Tuffy and Whopper''': Dive-gang, baby! ''(Pound Puppies are in the tub rowing)'' :'''Howler''': ''(using the megaphone)'' Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! ---- :'''Howler''': Now we know why your name is Tuffy. :'''Whopper''': Tuffy, I’m sorry for what I said “You’re pretty neat for a cat.” :'''Tuffy''': Thanks, Whopper. Hey, you’re pretty neat too for a dog. :'''Whopper''': And-And I want you to have this for keeps. ''(Whopper puts a cap on Tuffy’s head)'' :'''Tuffy''': Neato! :'''Holly''': How about if we make Tuffy an honorary Pound Puppy. :'''Cooler''': All those in favor? ''(They all cheer)'' :'''Cooler''': Congrats you, cool cat. :'''Nose Marie''': There’s just one more little old thing Tuffy needs. :'''All''': ''(Off-Screen)'' What’s that? :'''Nose Marie''': A bath. :'''Tuffy''': Oh, no! Not again! ''(They give Tuffy a bath)'' == Episode 19: Casey, Come Home == ''(Katrina stops the Pound Puppy Puppy Pounder)'' ''(Catgut blows the trumpet)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, can it, Catgut! :'''Brattina''': We’ve lost them! We’ve got Cooler and the stinky-poo doggies! :'''Katrina''': Stop whining, Brattina! ''(picking up a satellite)'' I’ll find them with my Canine Computer. Aha! ''(They can see how creepy the woods is)'' :'''Brattina''': That way! Eww! It looks creepy and icky! :'''Katrina''': Yes. I love creepy and icky. ''(They drive off to the creepy woods)'' ---- ''(Katrina, Brattina and Catgut are up in the tree that night)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(cries)'' :'''Katrina''': Knock it off, Brattina! You’re as bad as they are. ''(The wolves howl in return)'' == Episode 20: Where Do Puppies Come From? == ''(Truck saying “Dog Catcher” arrives at the puppy pound with 2 new dogs inside)'' ''(Dogs named Lucy and Rusty whine as Holly comes to open it)'' :'''Holly''': Don’t cry, puppies. No one’s going to hurt you. :'''Katrina''': Holly! Get away from those filthy beasts! :'''Holly''': But, Auntie Katrina, they’re so frightened! :'''Katrina''': Frightened? They should be terrified! ''(laughs evilly)'' Because my pound is now equipped with… ''(Copter-Catcher appears up above)'' …the Copter-Catcher! No dog will ever escape again! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' What d’you say, Catgut? Let’s give ‘em a little demonstration. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows and laughs evilly)'' ''(She is about to capture those dogs but they run away from it and get into the cage as the door slides shut)'' ''(She captures Katrina and takes her over the muddy puddle)'' :'''Katrina''': Whoa! Brattina, you fool! Put me down! :'''Brattina''': All right, all right. Have a cow, why don’tcha! ''(She drops Katrina in the muddy puddle)'' :'''Katrina''': Whoa! :'''Brattina''': Sorry about that, Mommy Dearest. :'''Katrina''': ''(angrily)'' You’ll be more than sorry, young lady! Fly, stay in your room! You’re grounded! :'''Brattina''': But, Mommy Dearest! ''(sobbing)'' ---- ''(In the delivery room, Lucy is comfy in bed)'' :'''Holly''': Comfy, Lucy? :'''Lucy''': Fine, thanks. :'''Nose Marie''': Can we get you anything? Anything at all? :'''Lucy''': Well, I am a little hungry. I have this terrible for a dog food and ice-cream sundae. :'''Holly''': Uck! :'''Nose Marie''': One dog food and ice-cream sundae coming up. :'''Lucy''': With chocolate syrup, limburger cheese, coconut, ketchup, gumdrops, dill pickles, cherries and over all that beef gravy. :'''Nose Marie''': There. I hope you enjoy it! ''(After Nose Marie serves the dog food and ice-cream sundae to Lucy, Lucy eats the whole thing in one bite)'' :'''Holly and Nose Marie''': She was hungry! :'''Lucy''': Delicious! May I have another? This time with some whipped cream on top? :'''Nose Marie''': Sure. There’s some whipped cream in the kitchen. :'''Holly''': I’ll go get it. ''(Holly goes to the kitchen to get some whipped cream)'' ---- ''(Meanwhile, Bright Eyes and Whopper are looking for honey in the kitchen)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Nope. No honey up here. :'''Whopper''': No honey down here either. ''(Holly comes to see what they have done with saucepans and colander)'' :'''Holly''': Oh, no! You guys! Looking for the biscuit box again, huh? :'''Bright Eyes''': Nope. We’re looking for honey. We want to find out how puppies are born. :'''Holly''': What’s honey got to do with puppies? :'''Whopper''': You know, cos of the birds and bees. ''(imitating buzzing noise)'' :'''Holly''': I think you’re both confused. :'''Bright Eyes''': Then unconfuse us, Holly. :'''Whopper''': Yeah, tell us where puppies come from. :'''Holly''': Well, the birds and the bees are myth, just like the stork. :'''Whopper''': What’s a stork? :'''Holly''': A bird. ''(She imagines it is a bird, then it becomes a big bird with a long beak, then it stands on one long leg, and becomes a stork dropping baby bundles down the chimney)'' :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Holly''': A big bird with a long beak. :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Holly''': It stands on one long leg. :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Holly''': And some folks say “Stork drops the baby bundles of joy down the chimney.” :'''Whopper''': Check. :'''Lucy''': ''(Off-screen)'' Holly, where’s that whipped cream? :'''Holly''': Coming! ''(getting some whipped cream out of the fridge)'' I’ll explain later, guys. Lucy’s waiting. :'''Whopper''': I just got one question. What’s a myth? :'''Bright Eyes''': I think the girl is a myth and the boy is a mister. ''(They laugh)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': Oh! Look at me! Look at me! :'''Bright Eyes''': There weren’t any puppies in that honey, so let’s not stick around. :'''Whopper''': Yeah. She’s sticking around for everybody. ''(While Bright Eyes and Whopper make their escape, Brattina’s Copter-Catcher accidentally grabs Katrina)'' :'''Katrina''': Whoa! Brattina, you ninny! Not me! Get those dogs! :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' I’m trying, Mommy Dearest! I’m trying! :'''Bright Eyes and Whopper''': ''(yelping)'' ''(Brattina puts Katrina down but she bounces)'' :'''Katrina''': Ouch! Ouch! Brattina, what are you doing?! Pull up! Pull UP! ''(Bright Eyes and Whopper have reached the corner just as the Copter-Catcher has run out of petrol)'' :'''Whopper''': It’s been nice doing you, Bright Eyes! ''(But not before Cooler rescues them in time)'' :'''Cooler''': We may have to put a leash on you two. ---- :'''Nose Marie''': What were you two little dickens doing up there? :'''Bright Eyes''': We wanted to see the puppies arrive. :'''Whopper''': We saw the stork but we couldn’t find any bundles. :'''Bright Eyes''': And the puppies weren’t in the honey. Oh, it’s all kind of confusing! :'''Whopper''': So, tell us again real slow. How are puppies born? :'''Cooler''': We’ll do better than tell you. We’ll show you. :'''Rusty''': Okay, the time has come! She’s having them! ''(They come into the delivery room to see Lucy having puppies)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Hurry up, everyone! ''(Baby puppies bark off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh! Aren’t they beautiful? :'''Cooler''': The cutest little things I’ve ever seen. :'''Bright Eyes''': And it came from the mama’s tummy! Oh, it’s amazing! :'''Whopper''': So that’s how puppies are born! Oh, boy! What won’t they think of next? ''(Baby puppies bark happily with Lucy)'' == Episode 21: Pups on the Loose == ''(One day, everything is quiet outside at the puppy pound; bird tweets)'' ''(Down below at the HQ)'' :'''Lucy''': Well, we’re off to dig up our prized bone collection. :'''Rusty''': After all, we can’t start life at a new home without our old bones. :'''Cooler''': And by the time you get back, we’ll have that hap-hap-happy new home picked out for you. :'''Lucy''': Are you sure you don’t mind taking care of our pups while we’re gone? :'''Nose Marie''': ''(happily)'' Not at all. We can’t wait to puppy-sit the little sugar plums! ''(Suddenly, they can hear crashing)'' :'''Lucy''': You must not know our pups. ''(The pups are fighting as they suck Bright Eyes and Whopper in. Then they also suck Cooler and Nose Marie in before they crash)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(giggles)'' Playful little levels, aren’t they? :'''Rusty''': Okay, you guys! Knock it OFF! ''(They stop fighting)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Hi, dad! :'''Rusty''': What did I tell you pups about playing indoors? :'''Andy''': We were playing! :'''Mandy''': We were fighting! :'''Candy''': Andy took my squeak toy and drooled all over it. :'''Andy''': Did not! Mandy stole my blanket and buried it someplace. :'''Mandy''': No way! Candy tied my tail in a big old knot! :'''Candy''': Nuh-uh, you feather face! :'''Mandy''': Ah-ha! ''(They start to fight again)'' :'''Lucy''': Hold it! HOLD IT! ''(They stop again)'' :'''Lucy''': Your father and I want you to be on your best behaviour while we’re gone. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Okay, mum! ''(Their halos appear above their heads)'' :'''Lucy''': And when we return, we’ll be off to our brand new home. ''(Cooler presses the button on the nose as they walk up the pupscalator)'' :'''Lucy and Rusty''': Bye-bye, kids! :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Bye-bye! :'''Cooler''': I’m gonna go sneak Rusty and Lucy past Katrina. be back in a flasharoo. ''(Cooler leaves as 3 pups look angrily at each other then they fight again)'' ---- ''(Cooler, Rusty and Lucy pop out while Catgut is sleeping on the lid but he is awake)'' :'''Cooler''': Shh! Be very very quiet. ''(giggles)'' We have to make sure Catgut is nowhere to be seen. ''(Catgut falls into another garbage can)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Cooler''': Remember, kids. Always put garbage in its place. ''(laughs)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(So Cooler, Rusty and Lucy sneak up behind this place)'' ''(Katrina is busy fixing the invention. Brattina is eating ice-cream)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' The next time Cooler and his mangy mutts show up around here, ''(laughs again)'' they’ll be outfoxed by the greatest invention since the paid toilet, the Rover-Roper! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Creepy! How’s it work, Mommy Dearest? How’s it work? :'''Katrina''': Just hold on to this stuff doggy toy and see for yourself. The Rover-Roper can hunt down any mutt from 100 yards. Watch. ''(Brattina is running away from the Rover-Roper as it catches her up)'' :'''Brattina''': Oh! Make it stop, Mommy Dearest! Make it stop! :'''Rusty''': We’ll be back in 2 shakes of a pup’s tail, Cooler. :'''Cooler''': We’ll take good care of your puparoos til then. See you soon. ''(He slams the brick door and then turns to the invention)'' :'''Brattina''': Help, Mommy Dearest! Help! ''(Rover-Roper ropes Brattina)'' :'''Brattina''': Icky-poo-ho-ho-ho! :'''Katrina''': With the Rover-Roper, Cooler and his pack are doomed! ''(laughs maniacally)'' What?! :'''Brattina''': Yap dog is licking me! Doggy drool! Doggy germs! :'''Katrina''': Grab him! ''(Cooler eats an ice-cream and swallows it, then he rushes off from Katrina)'' :'''Katrina''': You won’t get away this time, Cooler! :'''Cooler''': Going down! ''(Cooler puts a bag of garbage up in the garbage can and closes the lid and then slides back down)'' :'''Katrina''': I’ve got you! ''(Catgut opens up and realizes Katrina is all over the garbage)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Fried eggs begins to sizzle on Katrina’s head)'' :'''Katrina''': I hate that dog. ''(She looks at Catgut and he begins to fire-breathe at him but he is holding the lid to stop it)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': So, gang, how goes the puppy-sitting biz? :'''Whopper and Bright Eyes''': We quit. ''(Three puppies bark and fight)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': All they do is fight, fight, fight. :'''Whopper''': Yeah, and after they’re done, they fight some more. :'''Nose Marie''': Cooler, before we get these pups adopted, we have to shake them up. :'''Cooler''': ''(referring to three puppies)'' Yeah. Or tie them up. :'''Nose Marie''': If only they could work together on something. ''(having an idea)'' Like a party! We could toss a surprise party for Lucy and Rusty. :'''Whopper''': Why don’t we just toss the pups instead? :'''Nose Marie''': Candy, Mandy and Andy could help plan a party and learn all about teamwork. :'''Cooler''': ''(kissing Nose Marie)'' Nose Marie, you’re a genius. ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': Alright, puppies. Let’s get busy. We have balloons to blow up, create paper to hang and signs to paint. :'''Candy''': I wanna paint signs. :'''Mandy''': No! I wanna do that! :'''Candy''': I said it first! :'''Andy''': Get your paws off those paints! :'''Mandy''': No way! ''(Then they begin to fight again)'' :'''Whopper''': Let me handle this, ma’am. ''(He blows the whistle as the pups stop fighting)'' :'''Whopper''': This is police chief Whopper, ordering you to hand over those paints on the double! ''(But the pups throw the paintbrush at him)'' :'''Whopper''': Oh, that does it! 30 days in the doghouse for you three! ---- ''(Cooler, Nose Marie and Holly come to the door)'' :'''Holly''': I wonder how the decorations are going. :'''Cooler''': Let’s take a look-see. :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, my southern fried goodness! ''(Balloon pops at the wall)'' :'''Cooler''': Goodness had nothing to do with this. ''(Three puppies are still having a fight as they have made a lot of mess)'' :'''Whopper''': These kids have no respect for the law! ---- ''(In the kitchen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Alright, Candy, Mandy and Andy. I want you all to help me whip up a cake for the big party with your mum and dad get back. And when we’re done, I’ll let ya all lick the spoon. :'''Candy''': I’ll get the flour. :'''Mandy''': No! I wanna get it! :'''Andy''': Let me get it! ''(They fight as they rip the bag apart causing the flour to spread out all over)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(coughing)'' No, puppies! We’re supposed to work together. ''(coughing again)'' :'''Mandy''': Come back here with that spoon! :'''Candy''': Yeah! We got to lick it too! :'''Andy''': You’ll never lick this spoon! ''(They run up the pupscalator)'' :'''Candy and Mandy''': Let’s get him! :'''Red Alert Pup''': Red Alert! Pups on the loose! Red Alert! Pups on the loose! :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, no! The puppies went upstairs! :'''Bright Eyes''': Katrina’s sure to catch them! :'''Whopper''': Boy! Will she be sorry? :'''Cooler''': Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(They rush up the pupscalator)'' :'''Andy''': You’ll never lick this spoon! Not in a million years! :'''Candy''': No, but we’re gonna lick you! :'''Katrina''': ''(gasps)'' What’s this? There’s a crummy dog loose in the yard! ''(Katrina turns the Rover-Roper on but she holds on as it rushes off then Brattina follows them. It pulls over)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': ''(gasp)'' :'''Katrina''': It’s round-up time. ''(laughs maniacally)'' ''(Three puppies bark worriedly; Pound Puppies come out and see them in surprise)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(Off-screen)'' Katrina’s about to do in those poor little poochies! :'''Cooler''': Oh, no she won’t! Not after I bow-wower with a little of my patented puppy love. :'''Brattina''': Rope them, Mommy Dearest! Rope them! :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' What?! Doggy drool! ''(But Cooler kisses Katrina and licks her)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Let’s get out of here! :'''Brattina''': I’ll rope that icky-poo Cooler, Mommy Dearest! ''(Rover-Roper is about to rope Cooler but he jumps off Katrina and it actually ropes her)'' :'''Katrina''': Not me, you crazy contraption! Ah! Let me go! :'''Nose Marie''': Quick! Take the pups back downstairs! ''(So the puppies take them back downstairs as Cooler returns back)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(sighs)'' One kiss from Cooler, and any woman goes wild. ''(laughs)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina, don’t just stand there! Untie me! :'''Brattina''': Eww! No way! A yucky puppy kissed you. Double icky-poo! ---- :'''Cooler''': Well, what do you pups have to say for yourselves? :'''Mandy''': I never did get to lick the spoon. :'''Andy''': Did too! :'''Candy''': Nuh-uh! You took it all! ''(They bark and fight again)'' :'''Nose Marie''': This calls for drastic action. :'''Holly''': I’ll bet we can straighten these guys out in the Hall of Puppy Power. :'''Cooler''': Then let’s pop on down there, pronto. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Holly''': Candy, Mandy and Andy, this is where we can help you and your mum and papa find a home. :'''Cooler''': All you need to do is concentrate. :'''Holly''': And a beautiful puppy power vision of your new master will appear. :'''Candy''': I wanna live with a little boy. :'''Mandy''': Not me! I wanna live with a little girl. :'''Andy''': I want a boy. :'''Mandy''': No, a girl. :'''Andy''': No, boy! :'''Mandy''': Girl! :'''Andy''': Boy! Girl! :'''Mandy''': Boy! :'''Andy''': Girl! :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Girl, boy, boy, boy! ''(The puppy power explodes)'' ''(They all gasp)'' :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Uh-oh! What happened? :'''Cooler''': Disaster city! You’ve broken puppy power! :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': We did? :'''Whopper''': Why not? They’ve broken everything else in the place. :'''Mandy''': We’re sorry. :'''Andy''': What about our new home? :'''Cooler''': Well, since you pups don’t get along, it looks like we’ll have to split you up into 3 different homes. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': No! You can’t split us up! :'''Mandy''': Who could we play with? ''(They begin to cry)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Well, maybe there is one little old possibility. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': What? :'''Cooler''': If you knuckle hounds can get together and use a little teamwork, we may be able to fix puppy power and find you a home. :'''Andy''': We’ll do it. :'''Mandy''': We promise to be good and get along. :'''Candy''': And we’ll live with a boy or a girl. :'''Candy, Mandy and Andy''': Or both. ''(Lucy and Rusty return back with 2 bags full of bones as puppy power is working back)'' :'''Holly''': Puppy power is working again! ''(Puppy power appears with a farm in it)'' :'''Candy''': Wow. A farm! :'''Andy''': That looks neato! :'''Lucy''': And that’s going to be our new home. ---- ''(The children are having fun while three pups turn up and are adopted with children)'' ''(Their parents are watching the children having fun with their pups each. Pound Puppies are standing on the hill watching)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Well, thanks to a little bit of teamwork. Candy, Mandy and Andy are just jim-dandy. :'''Cooler''': And when it comes to teamwork, we Pound Puppies are our winning team. :'''Pound Puppies''': ''(cheering)'' We are No. 1, hey! We are No. 1, hey! We are No. 1, HEY! == Episode 22: The Invisible Friend == ''(The truck with five new puppies arrives at the puppy pound)'' ''(They bark)'' :'''Katrina''': Quiet, you walking free bark! ''(letting them out of the truck)'' And stop frolicking. I hate frolicking. Now get your tails in those cages! ''(They run away from her and get into the cages and Brattina closes it)'' :'''Katrina''': And I never want to see or hear any one of you dogs again. :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Katrina''': Wha? Runaway pup! Sick him, Brattina! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Come back here, you stinky smelly pup! ''(Buddy bumps into the clothesline and the laundry falls on him, Katrina and Brattina)'' :'''Brattina''': Oh! Oh! :'''Buddy''': Yipe! :'''Katrina''': You’re going to get it for this, dog! Not even Cooler can help you! ''(Cooler and his gang come to the rescue)'' :'''Cooler''': That’s what she thinks! :'''Nose Marie''': Game time, puppy dumplings! ''(releasing the puppies)'' :'''Cooler''': And here’s the kick-off-a-rooney! ''(kicking the football in the air)'' ''(Four puppies bark)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(cheering)'' Pushing back! Pushing back! Way back! :'''Katrina''': What in the…? ''(The football falls down and hits her head)'' :'''Brattina''': Yuck! Help, Mommy Dearest! They’re getting doggy drool all over me! Eww! :'''Whopper''': ''(blowing his whistle)'' Drool, little ferret! ''(Cooler rescues Buddy)'' :'''Cooler''': Relax, fella. Katrina fumbled the ball. We win! ''(Four puppies bark and hides them in the laundry)'' :'''Brattina''': Ahh! :'''Cooler''': Well, this game’s history, team. Let’s hit the showers! ''(They all return back to the HQ)'' ---- :'''Cooler''': Welcome to the ever popular Pound Puppy Mission Control. I’m Cooler the top dog in charge of finding you a hap-hap-happy home. :'''Buddy''': Oh. Uh, hi. I’m Buddy. And that’s Bob. :'''Cooler''': How do… H… Who? Where? :'''Buddy''': Bob, my invisible friend. He made that lady mad up there. :'''Cooler''': Ah, I see! Well, I-I don’t see but, uh… Hey! Give me five, Bob. :'''Buddy''': Ha ha! You’re shaking his tail! Hey! Something smells yummy! ''(sniffs)'' :'''Cooler''': ''(sniffs as well)'' Absotutely! That’s Nose Marie’s cooking! Hey! Let’s check it out! Uh, come on, Bob. :'''Buddy''': No. Bob’s over here with me. :'''Cooler''': Well, I can’t help it. All invisible things look alike to me. ---- ''(In the kitchen, Buddy and his invisible friend Bob meet Nose Marie who is making chocolate chip dog treat)'' :'''Cooler''': Nose Marie, this is Buddy. And, uh, somewhere around here is his invisible friend Bob. :'''Nose Marie''': Invisible? Now there’s something you don’t see every day or any day. :'''Cooler''': Well, I’ll leave the three of you to get to know each other. I’ll be seeing ya except for Bob, that is. ''(Cooler leaves)'' :'''Buddy''': What are these? :'''Nose Marie''': Chocolate chip dog treats and I have just enough batter to make you one. :'''Buddy''': ''(Off-screen)'' Gee! Doesn’t Bob get one too? ''(Nose Marie washes her paws)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Tell you what, darling. I’ll make him an invisible one, okay? ''(It crashes off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, no! :'''Buddy''': Bob was hungry and ate all the biscuits, so I tried to make some more real quick. ''(burps)'' ‘Scuse me. :'''Nose Marie''': Just look at this mess! :'''Buddy''': Yeah. Uh, and if I were you, I’d make Bob clean it up. Bye! :'''Nose Marie''': Buddy! Buddy! His story is like an invisible dog biscuit. Hard to swallow. ---- ''(Meanwhile, Bright Eyes is busy painting the picture)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(singing)'' Hmmm, red, yellow, green and blue. I’m painting a rainbow just for you. :'''Buddy''': Hey! What are you painting? :'''Bright Eyes''': Gosh! It was a rainbow, but now I’ll call it spilled ketchup on a striped tablecloth. :'''Buddy''': Sorry. ''(to Bob)'' Bob, you shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. :'''Bright Eyes''': Gee! Is there really someone there? :'''Buddy''': Sure. He’s just invisible. Hey, maybe you can paint him. :'''Bright Eyes''': How if I can’t even see him? :'''Buddy''': Oh, yeah. Well, then Bob wants to paint you. :'''Bright Eyes''': Me? An artist model? Bow, oh wow. I’ll pose as a ballerina. Okay. Paint me. ''(Bob paints Bright Eyes in colors)'' :'''Buddy''': There, you’re painting. Ha-ha! :'''Bright Eyes''': That’s not the teeny weeniest bits funny. :'''Buddy''': You’re right. What a joke to play on such a nice puppy. Bob says he’s sorry. :'''Bright Eyes''': That makes two of us. ---- :'''Whopper''': Whoo! Space commander Whopper leads that Starfleet through the asteroid belt. Vroom! :'''Buddy''': Hey! Can I play too? :'''Whopper''' Sure! :'''Buddy''': Where’d all the neat stuff come from? :'''Whopper''': Oh, I invented it. Yeah, That’s it! I built this whole place myself. Yeah. ''(Imagining he digs through the tunnel with the drill machine)'' I dug it up. I dug hundred, uh, thou… No, no. A million feet down to the centre of the earth, where I went water-skiing with the king of a mole man. Yeah! :'''Buddy''': I have an invisible friend. ''(Imagination pops)'' :'''Whopper''': Invisible friend? Oh, boy. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s someone who fibs. :'''Buddy''': No, really. His name is Bob, and he wants to play space commander too. :'''Whopper''': Hey! Paws off! Touching those is a doggy. Don’t! ''(He tries to take Buddy’s paws off but he accidentally pulls it)'' :'''Buddy''': I didn’t do it. Bob did. I’m turning them off again. :'''Whopper''': Oh, no! What have you done? ---- :'''Katrina''': Oh. At last, those filthy curs are back in their cages. ''(sighs)'' ''(But they stop and turn to the cage doors sliding open and closing)'' :'''Katrina''': What the… ''(The pups run to Katrina and Brattina)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh! Mutts just drive me nuts! ---- :'''Whopper''': Sorry, guys. :'''Nose Marie''': Aw. It’s alright, Whopper dear. I think everything’s back in order. :'''Cooler''': Everything but what to do about Buddy’s invisible friend Bob. :'''Nose Marie''': But he just has to learn to take the blame for his own mistakes. :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Brainstorm city! We’ll teach this new pup some old tricks, by making that invisible problem-o, poof… disappear. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Buddy''': So this is the Hall of Puppy Power. What happens now? :'''Cooler''': Just watch. ''(Puppy Power shows up)'' :'''Buddy''': Wow, wow! ''(Puppy Power appears with a boy named Colin adopting Buddy)'' :'''Cooler''': It’s every pup’s dream come true. A happy home and loving master. :'''Buddy''': Hey, that’s me! And who’s that? Is that gonna be my master? ''(It appears with Buddy snatching one of the cookies Nose Marie made, painting Bright Eyes in colors and playing)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(Off-screen)'' Well, maybe. But if a puppy does things like snitching cookies. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(Off-screen)'' Or playing practical jokes. :'''Whopper''': ''(Off-screen)'' Or fooling with things he shouldn’t. :'''Cooler''': That puppy will never get a master. It’ll be a pound bound hound. :'''Nose Marie''': You see, Buddy, we know you did all those things and we know Bob isn’t real. :'''Buddy''': What? He is too real and he’s a better friend than any of you guys. ''(storming off)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa. Took it pretty hard. :'''Bob''': ''(Off-screen)'' Well, you are kinda rough on him. :'''All''': Huh? :'''Bob''': ''(becoming visible)'' After all, he does believe in me. He wasn’t lying on purpose. :'''Cooler''': B-B-B-B-B-Bob? :'''Nose Marie''': I don’t believe it! :'''Bright Eyes''': And you can talk! :'''Whopper''': And you’re a dinosaur! Neato! :'''Bob''': What were you expecting? A giant bunny rabbit? :'''Cooler''': Hey. Quit yanking my leash. You’re not real. So, uh, how can we see you? :'''Bob''': Puppy Power made me visible. Up till now, I’ve only lived in Buddy’s mind. You see, Buddy’s been all alone since he was born. So he made me up. We play together, but I’m just pretend. Buddy needs a real friend. :'''Nose Marie''': Somewhere, there must be a boy who needs a friend like Buddy. :'''Bob''': You know, I have a cousin who’s the make-believe friend of a lonely boy named Colin. :'''Cooler''': Ooh! Tell us everything, Bob-a-loo. :'''Bob''': Well, you see, Colin was that something that was about… ''(whispers)'' ---- ''(Pound Puppies slide down the end of the pupscalator)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Yoo-hoo, Buddy? Where are you, dumpling? :'''Buddy''': ''(Off-screen)'' In here, guys! :'''Cooler''': Whoa! What’s shaking, kiddo? :'''Buddy''': I just cooked up some dog biscuits. :'''Nose Marie''': What on earth for? :'''Buddy''': For you, guys. After I ate the ones Nose Marie made, it’s the least I could do. ''(They take a bite out of the dog biscuits but they are extra salty)'' :'''Pound Puppies''': Oh! ''(Bright Eyes and Whopper run to the sink to wash their mouths)'' :'''Cooler''': Mmm. Extra salty. :'''Buddy''': It’s my way of saying sorry for all the stuff I did wrong. And as for Bob, he’s not really real. He’s just pretend. :'''Cooler''': We know all about it. :'''Bob''': ''(becoming visible)'' I filled him in, Buddy. :'''Buddy''': Bob! :'''Cooler''': And now, Buddy, my buddy, it’s time to take you to meet your new master. Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(They all head to the pupscalator but Bob gets stuck on it)'' :'''Buddy''': Oh, boy, you got to get a master. :'''Cooler''': Uh-oh, a pupscalator jam. We gotta push him through! Buddy’s up here all alone! :'''Whopper''': Uh! Why did Buddy have to have such a big imagination? ''(At the puppy pound)'' :'''Katrina''': Now, with these new padlocks, I’m going to lock you pups away forever. :'''Brattina''': Eww, look, Mommy Dearest! It’s that yucky runaway dog! :'''Katrina''': Gotcha! :'''Buddy''': Yipe! :'''Pound Puppies''': 1, 2, 3. ''(They finally push hard enough to get through)'' :'''Brattina''': Nothing can save the icky-poo troublemaking bow-wow now. ''(Suddenly, they hear something trembling)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, no! It-It feels like an earthquake! :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Oh! ''(They jump inside the cage and lock themselves inside, but forget Buddy)'' :'''Brattina''': What is that, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': I don’t know, but it’s not getting in here! :'''Cooler''': That should teach Katrina not to be so cagey. ''(laughs)'' ''(They all leave)'' ---- ''(Colin is reading the comic book to Sam)'' :'''Colin''': Pretty funny comic, huh, Sam? :'''Sam''': ''(laughs)'' I’ll say. There they are. ''(Pound Puppies and Buddy arrive)'' :'''Bob''': Hey, Sam. :'''Sam''': Hiya, Bob. ''(He comes to see Bob)'' Yeah, I’ve been expecting you, guys. :'''Buddy''': Is that him? My new master? Oh, I’m so nervous. Do you think you’ll like me? :'''Sam''': Only one way to find out. ''(Buddy comes into the garden)'' :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Colin''': Sam. Sam, where are you? Hey, where’d you come from? Well, don’t be afraid. Come here, boy. Come to Colin. :'''Bob''': ''(referring to Colin and Buddy)'' What do you know? They’re playing. ''(Colin laughs)'' :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Nose Marie''': A match made in Puppy Heaven. :'''Colin''': Sit, boy. Good dog. Now, wait here a second. Hey, mum! Can I keep a puppy? :'''Buddy''': Hey, Bob. He likes me. Just wait till he meets you. :'''Bob''': Oh, but I can’t stay here, Buddy. :'''Buddy''': What do you mean? We’re a team, best friends. Where I go, you’ll go. :'''Colin''': Mum said yes. I could keep you. Hey, where’d the puppy go? :'''Cooler''': This is your big chance for a real home, Buddy. :'''Bob''': And I don’t wanna see you lose it. Go on. ''(He pushes Buddy back in)'' :'''Buddy''': But what do you do? :'''Bob''': We’ll be invisible friends to other lonely pups and kids. And remember, Buddy, anytime you think of me, I’ll be right here. :'''Buddy''': Here or here? :'''Bob''': Right here. ''(He hugs Buddy)'' ''(Pound Puppies can’t help but feel sad)'' :'''Buddy''': Thanks, Pound Puppies. :'''Cooler''': Hey, don’t mention it, pal. :'''Colin''': Where’d my little Buddy go? Here, Buddy! :'''Buddy''': ''(barks)'' :'''Colin''': Hiya, Buddy! :'''Bob''': Well, not alone anymore. Time for us to go, Sam. :'''Cooler''': And, uh, when you find those lonely kids and puppies, you know where to send them. :'''Colin''': Goodbye, Sam. :'''Buddy''': Bye, Bob. ''(Bob and Sam leave and head to the sunset)'' == Episode 23: Kid in the Doghouse == ''(Brattina and Catgut bring a lot of puppies to the puppy pound using a giant balloon shaped like a dog bone)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' Nice work, Catgut. This is more yucky puppies than we’ve ever led to the pound before. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ---- :'''Brattina''': Please, Mommy Dearest! You have to see all the icky-poo puppies we caught. Ready, please! ''(Cooler pops out in the barrel)'' :'''Katrina''': Later, Brattina! First, I have to make sure the Cage Catapult is ready to capture that confounded Cooler. ''(Holly and the others sneak up and hop into the barrel and travel downstairs to the HQ)'' ---- ''(In the kitchen, Whopper is cleaning the bowl and throwing it to Bright Eyes)'' :'''Whopper''': The Dirty Bowl Patrol is on a roll with a help of the Wonder Whopper! :'''Bright Eyes''': Thanks for pitching in, Jerry! ''(Bright Eyes tosses the bowl to Jerry)'' :'''Jerry''': So when do we start having fun around here? :'''Bright Eyes''': As soon as all our work’s done. :'''Whopper''': Yeah. We have a million… zillion… no, a gazillion chores to do. Yeah. ''(imagining he can polish the Statue of Liberty and mop up the moon)'' Every chore in the world. In fact, we have to polish the Statue of Liberty. No. The Liberty Bell. Yeah, we have to mop up the moon. Yeah, the moon’s a mess. The monsters, they’re total slobs. ''(The imagination pops; Blue carries the bowl to them but he slips on the wet spot)'' :'''Blue''': Whoa! :'''Whopper''': Hey! Blue, what happened to Jerry? :'''Blue''': He said he had something really important to do. :'''Jerry''': ''(skateboarding away)'' Catch ya later, guys! :'''Whopper''': Yeah. Skateboarding’s pretty important stuff. ---- ''(At the puppy pound, Holly, Cooler and Howler peep out as Katrina finishes the Cage Catapult ready for action)'' :'''Howler''': Ah, oh! There she blows! Katrina! Off the starboard bow! :'''Katrina''': Silly confounded contraption! :'''Holly''': She’s looking the other way. Now’s our chance. :'''Cooler''': ''(to the children)'' It’s with puparoos. Let the escape-a-rooney begin. ''(Cooler and the children sneak up quickly)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(laughs evilly)'' At last! The Cage Catapult is ready for action. Cooler and his canines won’t get away next time! :'''Brattina''': All right. All ready with the gunky gizmo, Mommy Dearest. Come and see all the stinky puppies we caught. Now! :'''Katrina''': Oh all right, Brattina! Show me the dogs. How many miserable mongrels did you catch? :'''Brattina''': Almost a hundred icky-poo smelly dogs. :'''Katrina''': A hundred dogs?! Why, Brattina, I could kiss you! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Gross. No thanks. I’d rather have a Suzy Spit-up Doll. :'''Katrina''': For a hundred dogs, I’ll get you a dozen Suzy Spit-up Dolls. ''(She realizes that the dogs are gone)'' What?! These cages are empty! :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' No, no, no! They were loaded with icky-poo stink old dogs! :'''Katrina''': ''(Angry with her)'' Play games with me, will you, young lady? Just for this: You can kiss that Suzy Spit-up Doll goodbye! :'''Brattina''': ''(cries)'' ---- ''(Scratchy and the others take flea bath)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Golly! Getting Jerry to do his chores has become a bigger chore. ''(She sees the shark’s fin and screams)'' :'''Whopper''': Shark pup Whopper strikes again! ''(laughs)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Cooler, I think the time has come to find a home for that boy and Blue. ''(Blue whimpers)'' ---- ''(In the swimming hole, Jerry is in the swimming trunks running in)'' :'''Jerry''': Yahoo! Anyone else coming in for a dip? :'''Bright Eyes and Whopper''': No thanks. :'''Jerry''': Party poopers. Huh? ''(Jerry is about to dive in but there is a garbage on the water)'' :'''Jerry''': Yuck! What gifts with the swimming hole? :'''Bright Eyes''': Some garbage fell in. :'''Whopper''': And cleaning up is no fun. I mean who likes doing chores? :'''Jerry''': This whole place is no fun anymore. Come on, Blue. Let’s get outta here. ''(Blue winks his eye; Bright Eyes and Whopper laugh)'' ---- ''(Jerry comes to Cooler and Howler who are watching TV)'' :'''Jerry''': Cooler, how soon are you gonna get Blue and me adopted? :'''Cooler''': Oh, gee. I don’t know. ''(sighs)'' Maybe after we’re through watching TV. :'''Jerry''': I hate it here. Everything’s broken or dirty. Nobody does any chores! :'''Cooler''': Absotutely. You don’t do chores. We don’t do chores. :'''Jerry''': I do so. I mean I will. I mean that is… ''(But Cooler and Howler shake their heads)'' :'''Jerry''': ''(sighs)'' I guess I don’t. Sorry, Cooler. Ah, but why can’t chores be fun? :'''Cooler''': Hey. Maybe you’re onto something, kiddo. Let’s give it the old pound puppy try. ---- ''(So they begin to do the chores in the kitchen, in the lagoon cleaning up the water and giving Scratchy a flea bath singing)'' :'''All''': I’ve been working with the scrub brush :All the really long day :I’ve been cleaning up the water :Who makes me feel okay? :Just be beating all the fun, fun, fun :If you really do get by :So everybody, get together :And keep things clean and bright :All right! ---- :'''Jerry''': Well, maybe chores can’t always be fun, but I’m gonna do my shift from now on. You know, guys, I think there’s something I should tell you. :'''Cooler''': No time for that now, Jerry. Let’s get you to your new home. ---- :'''Cooler''': Here it is! :'''Bright Eyes''': Your nifty new home! :'''Holly''': With some folks who really want you. :'''Jerry''': But that’s my old house. :'''Jerry’s Mom''': Jerry, you’re late. Oh, we were so worried. :'''Jerry''': Mom, dad! It’s great to be home! Oh! And this is Blue. He’s from the puppy pound. Can I keep him? :'''Jerry’s Dad''': Well, I don’t wanna wind up being the one who takes care of him. :'''Jerry''': Don’t worry, dad. I promise I’ll do all my chores from now on, and that includes taking care of Blue. :'''Jerry’s Dad''': Okay then, Blue. Welcome to the family. ''(Blue licks Jerry’s Dad and then barks; they share love with them)'' :'''Cooler''': Well, gang, our chores are done, and you know what that means? :'''All''': Time to have fun! ''(They run along and have fun)'' == Episode 24: Little Big Dog == ''(The truck with a ton of bricks drives a little further backwards)'' :'''Katrina''': A little further. Yes, yes, a little further. Y… Ah, ah, ah. Hold it right there. :'''Brattina''': What are those stinky bricks for, Mommy Dearest? :'''Katrina''': ''(looking at the security pound on the paper)'' To build my new maximum security pound. This wall will stop Cooler and his motely mutt cold, like being hit with a ton of bricks. ''(Ton of bricks falls on them)'' :'''Brattina''': Oh! Just kill me already, why don’tcha! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Bone-binoculars comes out)'' :'''Cooler''': Oh, brother! Get a load of what the bad guys are up to this time. ''(Katrina is cementing bricks on top)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(singing)'' I’ve been putting up the brick wall :This time, I will win :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' She’s cementing up the brick wall :To keep the yucky doggies in :Can’t you hear our cheers and shouting ''(Catgut falls asleep)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(singing)'' Locking up the mutts we had ''(A little pup named Teensy comes out of the hole and sneaks up)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Cooler and screams are shouting :'''Katrina and Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Cos they finally met them up ''(Catgut wakes up and Teensy stops sneaking up)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(screaming)'' ''(Teensy rushes around before Catgut’s head gets stuck in the flowerpot)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(screaming and then he stops running)'' You know what? I’m scared. ''(screaming and running again)'' :'''Cooler''': Woo! A little game of Catgut and mouse, and it looks like Catgut hates meeces to pieces. ''(Brattina sees that Teensy’s a mouse)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! A mouse! Icky-icky-icky-poo yuck! ''(Teensy lands on Brattina’s head)'' :'''Brattina''': Get him off me, Catgut! Get him off! :'''Nose Marie''': Sakes alive! That’s no mouse! That’s a little bitty muffy doggy! ''(Brattina makes the crane with Katrina in it wobble and crash down)'' :'''Katrina''': Bra-Bra-Bra-Bra-Bra-Brat-t-t-ti-ti-ti-tina! Whoa! ''(Brattina and Catgut scream; cement splashes into Brattina’s and Catgut’s face)'' :'''Nose Marie''': We have to save that cute little old pup! :'''Katrina''': ''(Angry with her)'' Just for this, Brattina: You’ll get no stewed prunes for a week! ---- ''(Nose Marie pops out and rescues Teensy and goes back down)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Settle down, honey lamb. Nose Marie won’t hurt you. You’re safe with me. :'''Teensy''': Aw. :'''Cooler''': ''(sighs)'' That really warms to cockles of my heart. Whatever those are. ''(laughs)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Cooler, maybe the teensy puppy could use my Dolly’s house for a home. :'''Cooler''': Absotutely, guys. Hey, not a bad name for him either, Teensy. ---- ''(In the kitchen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Now, Teensy darling, what you need is some little old nourishment. ''(Teensy climbs up the dish bowl and licks the milk but he falls in)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(gasps)'' Oh, sweet corn bone! This will never do. ''(She picks him up with her teeth and puts him on the little towel)'' That should keep it, toasty sugar. ---- :'''Nose Marie''': Sleep tight, honey lamb, in pleasant dreams. ''(Teensy looks at everything around the Dolly’s home)'' :'''Whopper''': Hiya, Teensy! Want to see my dirt collection? ''(Teensy screams and rushes out)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, Whopper! I just had him all calmed down and you went and uncalmed him again! :'''Whopper''': Maybe he’s so scared of dirt. ''(Teensy screams and stops running)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(to the audience)'' You know what? I’m scared of everything. ''(He screams and runs again)'' :'''Cooler''': Okay, kid. Put it right there, kid! Come on, kid! You can do it, kid! Give it the old pepper, kid! ''(Teensy runs and is hit by the baseball glove)'' :'''Cooler''': Perfectamundo, kid! Hey, Teensy, my pup. Mellow out. No one’s gonna hurt you down here. :'''Bright Eyes''': We’re all super-duper fun loving puppies just like you! :'''Whopper''': Yeah. Just like you except we’re a milli… a trill… a kabillion times bigger. Yeah. :'''Nose Marie''': Don’t you pay no never mind to that, sugar plum. Size doesn’t matter. It’s what’s in here that counts. ---- ''(In the kitchen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Let’s see how this works out, honey lamb. ''(She gives a thimble of milk to Teensy)'' ''(Teensy drinks but the milk spills out over him)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Nonsense! Like my grandmother used to say “Where there’s a pound puppy, there’s a way.” ''(gasps)'' I’ve got it. Here’s Nose Marie’s little old secret recipe for a teensy meal. Take one slightly beat up rubber glove. ''(cutting finger gloves)'' Add an empty salt shaker, fill it to the brain with cold fresh milk, mix in a little magic, and before you say “Bye, you baby.” You’re dining like a southern puppy king! ''(Teensy drinks a milk)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(to the audience)'' You know what? I’m happy. ---- ''(Pound Puppies and Teensy are playing cards)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Got any nifty Queenie’s? :'''Teensy''': No. Goldfish. :'''Cooler''': Well, after two weeks with us, puparoo, you seem to be getting along just dand-dand-danding. :'''Teensy''': Yes. I’m winning. :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Either my ears are on the fritz, so Holly’s trying to contact me with Puppy Power. :'''Teensy''': What’s Puppy Power? :'''Cooler''': You might call it radio station K-Pup that plays nothing but love songs. :'''Nose Marie''': ''(to Cooler)'' Puppy love songs, that is. ''(Holly appears via Puppy Power)'' :'''Holly''': Hi, everyone. I’ve got great news! I found a perfect home for Teensy. This little girl lives in an apartment, and a small puppy like Teensy would fit in just right. Auntie Katrina’s away buying more bricks, so now’s the time to get him out. I’ll meet you upstairs. ''(Puppy Power with Holly disappears)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(gasps)'' Home? For Teensy? :'''Cooler''': Of course-a-rooney. Remember the Pound Puppy model, neither rain, no snow, no Katrina Stoneheart. :'''Whopper''': So, stop the good guys! :'''Bright Eyes''': From delivering neato puppies. :'''All''': ''(singing)'' To happy home! ''(Cooler, Bright Eyes and Whopper go upstairs)'' :'''Nose Marie''': I know. I just didn’t think he’d have to leave me so soon. ''(Nose Marie follows them too)'' ---- :'''Holly''': Teensy, this is your new home. :'''Teensy''': Are you coming with me, Nose Marie? :'''Nose Marie''': No, sweetie pie. You live with a nice little girl here. :'''Teensy''': ''(crying)'' I don’t want to leave you, Nose Marie! :'''Bright Eyes''': Golly gee willikers! No pup’s ever not wanted to be adopted before. :'''Cooler''': Yeah, this could put a bad mark on our whiz-bang success record. :'''Teensy''': Ah! I don’t wanna be a bad mark! I just want to stay with Nose Marie! :'''Holly''': Don’t worry, Teensy. We’ll find another puppy for this little girl. :'''Nose Marie''': And we’ll take you back to the little old pound with us. :'''Teensy''': ''(hugging her)'' Thank you, Nose Marie! ---- ''(Meanwhile, Brattina is setting up mouse traps to catch the mice)'' :'''Brattina''': There. That should fix any icky-poo mice that come in here. There are enough scary traps to catch a zillion yucky mices, eh, Catgut? :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Holly opens the gate door to see what is going on)'' :'''Holly''': What? Brattina, what is going on? :'''Brattina''': “Brattina, what is going on?” I’m trying to catch a mouse, nosy-pants. What’s it look like? :'''Holly''': Brattina still thinks Teensy’s a mouse, and she covered the yard with traps. :'''Cooler''': And here comes the wicked witch of the worst Katrina. ''(Katrina drops the bag of bricks and see the others)'' :'''Katrina''': What the…? :'''All''': Booga-booga-booga! ''(Holly and Pound Puppies rush in and stand against the wall)'' :'''Katrina''': It’s Cooler and those miserable mutts. Brattina! Stop those confounded canines! Don’t just stand there, you ninny! Get them! :'''Brattina''': No! Mommy Dearest, look out! ''(Katrina steps on the mouse traps and gets caught in pain off-screen)'' :'''Katrina''': Ouch! Ow! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Ow! :'''Brattina''': Eww! Mommy Dearest, that looks totally painful. :'''Katrina''': ''(Angry with her)'' Not half as painful as the punishment you’ll get for this! :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' But, Mommy Dearest! ---- ''(Katrina carries on putting lots of bricks on as the season changes from Summer to Autumn to Winter)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(singing)'' Lots of bricks, Lots of bricks :Build the wall real high :I’ll keep on cementing bricks :Until I touch the sky :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' Stinky bricks, smelly bricks :Mommy Dearest, why?! :If we don’t stop for Christmas, :I’ll whine and scream and cry ''(whining)'' ---- ''(Spring has arrived and the bird tweets and lands on the branch)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Looks like the spring is sprung. Which means, Nose Marie, it’s time to snip the apron strings and find Teensy a home. Before he eats us out of ours. :'''Nose Marie''': I’m powerfully fond of him, but I can barely lift his food dish anymore. ''(to Teensy)'' Teensy, dinner time! :'''Teensy''': Oh, boy. ''(He comes in becoming giant)'' :'''Nose Marie''': You’re right, Cooler. I guess it’s time to get Teensy adopted. :'''Teensy''': Adopted? But I don’t wanna leave, Nose Marie. ''(crying)'' Whoo, is me! :'''Nose Marie''': Teensy, sugar plum, everyone has to leave the nest some time and we’ll come and visit at your new home. :'''Teensy''': You promise? :'''Cooler''': Positively, Teensy, my pup. :'''Nose Marie''': And remember, honey lamb. Just let out a little old howl, ''(howling)'' and I’ll come running. :'''Teensy''': All right. I’ll go. ''(They all celebrate)'' ---- :'''Brattina''': ''(in her walkie-talkie)'' Mommy Dearest, I’m sick of the stinky smelly wall! Come down already, why don’tcha! :'''Katrina''': Stop whining, Brattina! I want to put one more row of bricks on, and then I’ll be down. ''(to the audience)'' Cooler and those crummy canines will never help another mutt escape. ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Down below, brick wall turns around revealing Holly, Pound Puppies and Teensy and they see that the brick wall is so big)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Looks like Katrina’s been a busy little bad girl. :'''Holly''': Come on! Auntie Katrina’s way up there. She’ll never see you leave. ''(Holly and the Pound Puppies sneak past Brattina, Katrina and Catgut and Teensy stamps past them too)'' :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest! Where did the horsey come from? Can we keep him, Mommy Dearest? Oh, please! Can we keep him? :'''Katrina''': Stop talking nonsense! What’s going on down there? :'''Brattina''': ''(Off-screen)'' Holly’s letting Cooler and some dogs and a horsey go out the front gate. :'''Katrina''': Cooler and some dogs?! Well, stop them, you fool! ''(noticing the wall has a crack)'' Oh, no! My wonderful wall! :'''Cooler''': Looks like Katrina’s plan isn’t all it was cracked up to be. ''(laughs)'' ''(Holly, the Pound Puppies and Teensy leave the pound before the brick wall collapses)'' :'''Katrina''': NO!! ''(Katrina and Brattina are sitting down in defeat)'' :'''Katrina''': Mutts drive me nuts! ---- ''(At the field filled with sheep, little girl opens the door and comes out)'' :'''Cooler''': There it is, Teensy. Your new hap-hap-happy home. :'''Teensy''': Well, I guess this is goodbye, Nose Marie. :'''Nose Marie''': Oh! But I don’t want you to go! :'''Teensy''': Now, now. Everyone has to leave the nest some time. Besides, I’ll come visit ya. :'''Nose Marie''': You promise? :'''Teensy''': Positively! And remember, just let out a howl, ''(howling)'' and I’ll come running. ''(He comes to see his master as he howls and then he licks her as she giggles)'' :'''Teensy''': ''(to the audience)'' You know what? I’m happy. :'''Nose Marie''': You know what? So am I. == Episode 25: The Bright Eyes Mob == ''(Back at Katrina’s house)'' :'''Katrina''': ''(Off-screen)'' Holly! Get in here this instant! :'''Holly''': What’s going on, Auntie Katrina? :'''Katrina''': Mrs. Vanderspiff and her ritzy friends will be here in 2 hours. Now, go vacuum the front porch, shampoo the drapes, fumigate the bathroom. :'''Brattina''': And then you can paint the toenails on my tootsies. Myah! :'''Holly''': Yuck! ''(Robotic Rover licks Katrina’s face)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina, your job is to get this confounded mechanical mutt off me! :'''Brattina''': I’m trying, Mommy Dearest! I’m trying! ''(But it keeps licking her face and kisses her)'' :'''Katrina''': Yeah! ---- ''(Pound Puppies are watching the news on TV)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, no! All the news! It can’t be! :'''Cooler''': If I didn’t know better, I’d say that looks like Bright Eyes. ''(They see Bright Eyes on TV stealing Bruno’s weenies)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howling)'' It is Bright Eyes. :'''Newscaster''': We’re here at Bruno’s Meat Market scene of a bold robbery. Mr. Bruno, what exactly happened? :'''Bruno''': Well, I was slicing veal cutlets when this here vicious criminal-type canine comes in and steals my weenies. :'''Nose Marie''': We have to stop Bright Eyes before she strikes again! :'''Howler''': Yeah. If she stole weenies, she may be building up to b-b-baloney’s. :'''Cooler''': Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(Pound Puppies rush off to stop Bright Eyes)'' ---- :'''Toots''': Bright Eyes, go grab damn cookies and cakes and bring them here. :'''Bright Eyes''': Anything for my peachy king friend. :'''Toots''': You really would do anything for me, wouldn’t you, kid? :'''Bright Eyes''': Sure, Toots! That’s what friends are for! :'''Toots''': ''(gasps)'' Wait a minute. I don’t know who’s the bigger sucker. Bright Eyes or me. == Episode 26: The Rescue Pups == :'''Howler''': ''(Off-screen)'' Puppy Power, ''(howling)'' we have another puppy for you. :'''Cooler''': This little dude would like a home. :'''Nose Marie''': One from which you’ll never roam. ''(Puppy Power appears with a house and a girl named Jody)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Search the city from up above and find this pup a child to love. :'''Arf''': ''(barking)'' I wanna live with her! ''(rushing off and wearing a bobble hats and a scarf)'' When can we leave? :'''Whopper''': Gee! You’re not in a hurry or anything else, are you? :'''Cooler''': We’ll pupscalate upstairs and have you adopted before you can say… Katrina Stoneheart. ''(Katrina and Brattina are looking through their binoculars)'' :'''Katrina''': Keep your eyes peeled, Brattina. I have a feeling something big is about to happen. Aha! There’s a big dopey mutt just asking to be caught! ''(She realizes it is Howler shaped hot-air balloon)'' Oh! :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' :'''Katrina''': Brattina! Do something! :'''Brattina''': No sweat, Mommy Dearest! I’ll smell those flying furballs! ''(Brattina uses a fishing rod to catch Pound Puppies)'' :'''Cooler''': Uh-oh. Looks like we are the catch of the day! :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' I’ve got the stinkers! I’m going to stink ‘em! ''(They try to pull back, but they are pulled by the hot-air balloon hanging them on)'' :'''All''': Whoa! :'''Katrina''': You mangy mutts! Put us down!! :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' With pleasure. ''(Howler cuts the fishing rod with a pair of scissors from inside his hat sending Katrina, Brattina and Catgut down the chimney)'' :'''Cooler''': Okay, crew! Up, pup and away! ''(Then they fly up all the way to Jody’s house)'' ---- ''(Jody is digging the snow away with her shovel just as Pound Puppies arrive)'' :'''Jody''': I don’t believe it! :'''Arf''': ''(coming out and barking)'' :'''Jody''': It’s a puppy just like the one I dreamed about! :'''Arf''': ''(barks)'' :'''Jody''': What a great bark! I think I’ll call you Arf! :'''Cooler''': Ah. Another perfectamundo adaption. ''(But Jody’s Mom comes to see what she is doing with Arf)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Jody, what are you doing with that dog? :'''Jody''': Can I keep him, mom? His name’s Arf. :'''Arf''': ''(barks)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': We’ve discussed this before, hon. No dogs. They’re too much work. :'''Jody''': But, mom! :'''Arf''': ''(barks again)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': And besides, all dogs ever do is bark. :'''Arf''': ''(barks again)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': See what I mean? We don’t need the extra noise around here. ''(She goes back in)'' :'''Arf''': ''(sadly)'' I guess I’ll ''(barking)'' go back to the pound now. :'''Cooler''': Gee, this adoption wasn’t as perfectamundo as I thought. ''(Jody waves and wipes her tear away)'' ---- ''(Back at the house, Arf is scratching the door to Jody’s Mom to help; Jody’s Mom opens the door and Arf comes in)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Huh? Hey! Come back here! :'''Arf''': ''(barks)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Jody, why is this dog here? Jody? Where are you? ''(Arf has a note from Jody that she is in trouble)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': What? She’s gone! Is Jody in some sort of trouble? ''(Arf goes off to find Jody, then Jody’s Mom follows him)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': Beat the way, Arf. I’m right behind you. ---- ''(In his imagination, Whopper becomes the king of the jungle)'' :'''Whopper''': Here’s Jungle pup Whopper searching the forest for something to keep Jody warm! :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(Off-screen)'' HELP! :'''Whopper''': The jungle pup princess has been captured by the dreaded black panther! Yeah! Our hero can swing in option! ''(swinging to rescue Bright Eyes)'' Whoa-hoa-hoa! Without any panther’s own safety, Jungle pup Whopper dives endureth the monster of biomass bear tape! ''(Whopper bounces and he attacks the black panther, then he bites his tail. Then his imagination comes back to the real world holding the blanket)'' :'''Bright Eyes and Whopper''': Whoa! :'''Whopper''': Now I know why we dogs learn a lot on the couch. :'''Bright Eyes''': Good work, Whopper! This ought to keep Jody nice and toasty. Come on! ''(The two pups leave)'' ---- :'''Katrina''': What do you think you’re doing?! Get off my truck this instant! :'''Cooler''': Booga-booga-booga! ---- ''(Back at Jody’s house, Edgar and Chauncey leave)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': You know, Arf, Jody said you needed us. But after tonight, I think we need you even more. :'''Jody''': Does that mean I can keep him, mom? :'''Jody’s Mom''': It sure does! But only if you promise never to pull a stunt like this again. :'''Jody''': Oh, I promise! :'''Arf''': ''(barks and then covers his mouth)'' :'''Jody’s Mom''': And, Arf, anything you wanna bark, it’s okay with me. :'''Arf''': ''(barks again)'' :'''Cooler''': We couldn’t have said it better ourselves. :'''Howler''': Arf! Arf! ''(howling)'' == Episode 27: Good Night, Sweet Pups == ''(Cooler and Nose Marie give Henry a pup named Toby)'' :'''Cooler''': There you go, Henry. One cute little puparoo as promised. :'''Nose Marie''': You’re sure your little ol’ parents said it was okay? :'''Henry''': I’m sure. ''(giggling)'' Come on, Toby. Let’s show you to mom and dad, and thanks, Pound Puppies. ''(Suddenly, they hear Whopper howling from the HQ)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Bless my dog bones! Little ol’ Whopper must be having a nightmare again. :'''Cooler''': We better be pound bound before he wakes up Katrina. ---- ''(Whopper moans and barks)'' :'''Katrina''': Blast it all! That moaning mongrel is at it again! Crying, crying, crying! I’ll give him something to cry about. ''(tripping over the stool)'' Ouch! ''(crashing into the closet)'' Oh! That pesky pooch has yapped his last yap! ''(Down in the HQ)'' :'''Whopper''': ''(moans)'' :'''Cooler''': Whopper, baby cakes, what’s the problem-o? :'''Whopper''': Something was after me. Yeah. ''(imagining it was a ghost, vampire and the army of werewolves)'' It was a ghost. Oh! Vampire had once to suck your blood. No, no. It’s an army of puppy-eating werewolves. ''(howling)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Now, Whopper sugar, you just had another little old bad dream. :'''Bright Eyes''': Jumping jelly beans! How are we ever gonna stop Whopper’s creepy crawly spooky nightmares? :'''Cooler''': With some good old puppy power magic. Abracadoggy-dabra! ---- ''(After having a dream)'' :'''Howler''': Boy, oh boy! Whopper, you gotta get some new dreams. :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(rubbing her eyes)'' Yeah. I’m super glad that one’s done. :'''Nose Marie''': Now all we have to do is get you over your little ol’ fear of the dark. :'''Whopper''': No. That’s impossible. No way. Can’t be done, can it? :'''Cooler''': Hey. That spooky jazz-a-rooney is just your imagination working overtime. :'''Whopper''': What’s an imagination? ''(Cooler shows Whopper a guide)'' :'''Cooler''': It’s the place in your head where you make stuff up, and you got the wildest and wackiest imagination in the whole pound. :'''Whopper''': But I’m not making it up! It’s really dark and scary! :'''Nose Marie''': Whopper honey, the dark is just the same as daytime only with a little ol’ lights turned out. :'''Cooler''': And I know just how we can prove it. ---- :'''Bright Eyes''': Finding gums for all the other puppies is as easy as gumdrops. :'''Cooler''': ''(yawning)'' But now that Katrina is on vacation. :'''Nose Marie''': Are you sure you don’t want the little old night light, Whopper? :'''Whopper''': Nah. Tonight, Wonder Whopper is gonna have nothing but sweet dreams. Thanks to all my puppy pals. Goodnight, everybody. ''(turning off the lamp)'' :'''All''': Goodnight, Whopper! == Episode 28: Nose Marie Day == ''(Cooler tells them what Mother’s Day is all about)'' :'''Cooler''': Mother’s Day is that special date when you tell your mum she’s super great. Serving her breakfast on a tray says “I love you” in a wonderful way. But it’s not a gift or the size of amount. It’s the love that comes with it that makes it count. Yes. Mums are the best without any doubt, and that’s what Mother’s Day is all about. :'''Bright Eyes''': I sure wish we had a mum to honor today. :'''Whopper''': But Nose Marie is just like our mum, isn’t she? :'''Bright Eyes''': Yeah. This’ll be her nifty special day, cos we’ll do all the work for her. :'''Howler''': We could call it Nose Marie Day! ''(howling)'' :'''Cooler''': Say, Nose Marie, we have a surprise-aroo for you! :'''Nose Marie''': Not now, Cooler honey. That new little old pup named Freddie is loose upstairs and Katrina has him on the run. ---- ''(A pup named Freddie is being chased by Katrina)'' :'''Freddie''': ''(barks and whimpers)'' :'''Katrina''': Get into that cage, you filthy mongrel! ''(Brattina shuts the cage door)'' :'''Brattina''': And don’t show your smelly doggy face again. :'''Katrina''': Well, don’t just stand there, you two. Where are they? :'''Holly''': Where what? :'''Katrina''': My gifts. It’s Mother’s Day. I’m a mother. Where are my gifts?! :'''Holly''': Oh. Here, Auntie Katrina. ''(She shows Katrina)'' I made this card myself. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Nobody in the world has a mother like you. :'''Katrina''': Ooh, isn’t that sweet? ''(ripping the Mother’s Day card)'' I hate sweet! This isn’t the gift! I want merchandise! I hope you did better, Brattina. :'''Brattina''': You betcha. ''(She shows Katrina a present)'' Happy Mommy Dearest Day. :'''Katrina''': A plant? Uck! It disgusts me. :'''Brattina''': But it’s special, Mommy Dearest. It’s an icky-poo Puppy-Eating Plant. :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies, puppies, puppies! :'''Katrina''': Oh, Brattina! It’s a Mother’s Day dream come true! ''(kissing Brattina)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! Totally gross me out, why don’tcha! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': I love puppies! Puppies! Puppies! ''(Freddie whimpers as the trapdoors open and he slides down to the HQ before Nose Marie catches him)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Freddie dumpling, don’t you worry about that silly old vegetable. We’re going to get you adopted, just as soon as I clean you up with a little old bath. :'''Whopper''': Whoa! Hold on there, ma’am. This here is Nose Marie’s Day, which means you don’t do Narry no work at all. Yeah. :'''Nose Marie''': But… :'''Bright Eyes''': No buts about it. We’ll get Freddie a super-duper bath. :'''Howler''': With my new improved Bath-O-Matic! :'''Whopper''': Bath-O-Matic home! ---- ''(A while later, the whole HQ is flooded from the Bath-O-Matic and it is about to blow up)'' :'''Whopper''': Bark Captain, we’re sinking fast! Abandoned ship to all in its puppy fire furry! :'''Howler''': I think the Bath-O-Matic has some few more adjustments. ''(He is about to make a few more adjustments to it but it explodes into two pieces)'' :'''Whopper''': Ahh! We’ve been hit by enemy fire! :'''Bright Eyes''': Oh! This never happens when Nose Marie gives baths. ---- :'''Brattina''': Mommy Dearest, come and see. I watered unfertilized your new plant. Look at it now! Lookie, lookie, lookie! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, that is adorable! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies, puppies, puppies! ''(licks and slurps)'' I love puppies! ---- ''(Four puppies are playing their violins as Nose Marie is getting bored)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. This pampered life is boring. ''(Freddie comes to see her)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. Sounds like a certain sleepy head needs a nap. :'''Freddie''': ''(yawning)'' Yeah, but I can’t fall asleep with a bedtime story. :'''Nose Marie''': Then your all sit right back and listen, Freddie. Bedtime stories are my specialty. “Once Upon a little old Time…” ''(But Howler and Bright Eyes hoover the bedtime story up)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Stop! Don’t say another word. :'''Nose Marie''': What? :'''Howler''': It’s your day off, remember? We’re doing all your chores for you. :'''Bright Eyes''': Including bedtime stories. :'''Howler''': ''(pushing Nose Marie to the door)'' So go relax, Nose Marie. ''(Howler rushes off)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, fiddly dee! This relaxing is becoming downright exhausting. ''(sighs)'' :'''Freddie''': But who’s going to tell me a story? :'''Whopper''': ''(as an old man)'' The little old storyteller me. Oh, Freddie, my pup. Did I ever tell you about the time I barked at a kitty? Uh, no. I mean a tiger… No, no, no. Was the cat monsters from Mars? :'''Freddie''': Never. :'''Whopper''': Oh, by cracking! ''(imagining he was soaring across the milky way in his ship)'' Them on days. Well, there I was soaring across the street. No. The milky way. When suddenly, they attacked the monster cats. They bombarded my ship with giant killer furballs. Of course, I put up a food fight. ''(Imagination disappears and Whopper fights with a pillow)'' :'''Whopper''': Take that, and that, and that! Oh, by cracking the fur was really flying. Yes, free! Oh, I thought it was a goner. :'''Cooler''': You’re all gonna be goners if you don’t clean up this mess and pronto. :'''Bright Eyes''': Sure thing, Cooler. Sorry. :'''Howler''': This never happens when Nose Marie tells the story. ''(hoovering up the feathers)'' I wish Mother’s Day was over. :'''Whopper''': Yeah. Then Nose Marie could clean up this mess. ---- ''(Freddie snores and Nose Marie snuggles him up with a blanket)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. The little dumpling. How’s every little old thing? Can I do anything for ya? :'''Freddie''': No. Everybody’s taking great care of me. :'''Nose Marie''': Oh. :'''Freddie''': Who are you anyway? :'''Nose Marie''': Oh, I’m just a little old nobody. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Well, I’m obviously not needed around here anymore. So I’d best go somewhere where I am needed. ''(to Puppy Power)'' Puppy Power, let me see. A loving master just for me. ''(Puppy Power appears via Nose Marie; The mover is moving their stuff out from their house)'' :'''Lisa’s Mom''': The movers are almost finished, honey. :'''Lisa’s Dad''': Then let’s get packed with a plane to catch. California, here we come! :'''Lisa’s Mom''': And Lisa, our new home has a great big backyard, so you can finally have that puppy you’ve always wanted. :'''Lisa''': A puppy?! Oh boy, I can’t wait. :'''Nose Marie''': And you won’t have to wait, cos this puppy’s coming with you. ---- ''(Nose Marie is sneaking up as she is about to leave)'' :'''Nose Marie''': So long, Pound Puppies! ''(She leaves the pound)'' ''(Meanwhile, Bratting pulls the wagon with Puppy-Eating Plant on it along)'' :'''Brattina''': I dug the stinky yucky gunky hole. Nice and deep, Mommy Dearest. ''(Puppy-Eating Plant bounces out)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! :'''Katrina''': With my Puppy-Eating Plant guarding the plant, no mongrel will ever escape again! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! Puppies! I love puppies! :'''Cooler''': Whoa! That is one jumbo economy-sized vegetable. :'''All''': ''(groaning)'' Oh. :'''Whopper''': Well, it’s been a long day, riding the range partner. And those cow pups are plumb. Dog-type took her out. :'''Howler''': Which mean we’re bushed. How does Nose Marie do it every day? :'''Cooler''': Beats the fleas out of me, but we have puppy proof of how important Nose Marie is to us. So let’s go tell her. :'''Holly''': That might not be so easy. Nose Marie is gone! :'''All''': What? :'''Holly''': She left a note. ''(reading)'' Dear gang. I’ve gone to get myself adopted. I just hope my new master likes me. :'''Lisa''': Like her? I love her. She’s the most wonderful puppy ever. :'''Lisa’s Mom''': Well then, I guess we’ll just have to take her to California with us. :'''Lisa''': Alright! :'''Nose Marie''': ''(barking squeakily)'' :'''Lisa’s Dad''': Come on, Lisa. We don’t wanna miss our flight. ''(They all get in the car by taxi and off to the airport)'' :'''Holly''': ''(reading continuously)'' If all goes well, I’ll be flying to California today. I missed you all, but at least I’ll be with someone who needs me. Love Nose Marie. :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' This is awful. Nose Marie doesn’t think we need her. :'''Whopper''': Boy! Is she wrong? :'''Bright Eyes''': And she’s leaving on a plane for California! Oh, what do we do? :'''Cooler''': We have to stop her. Pound Puppies, let’s start pounding! ''(Pound Puppies are going up in the pupscalator to stop her)'' :'''Cooler''': Follow me, crew! ''So Holly and the Pound Puppies are about to go and find Nose Marie, but they stop as the Puppy-Eating Plant is about to them)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! ''(Pound Puppies and Freddie gasp)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! Puppies! I love puppies! ''(picking them up)'' :'''Holly''': Stop it, you overgrown ruta eater! Put them down! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Puppies! :'''Brattina''': ''(singing)'' The icky-poo puppies are gonna be munched! Gonna be munched! Gonna be munched! The icky-poo puppies are gonna be munched! The plant has caught them all! :'''Cooler''': Eat your puds off us, you overgrown salad bar! :'''Whopper''': Oh! Now I know why you should eat vegetables, so they eat you! ''(The Puppy-Eating Plant kisses the puppies)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': Oh, I just love little puppies! Love them, love them, love them! ''(He kisses them again)'' :'''Cooler''': Well, what do you know? He does love puppies. ''(laughs)'' :'''Katrina''': What?! You’re supposed to eat them, not love them, you-you weed! :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': The only things I eat are people and kitty-cats who are mean to puppies! ''(They try to run away but they are captured by Puppy-Eating Plant)'' :'''Cooler''': To the airport-a-rooney and step on it! ''(Pound Puppies and Holly leave; Puppy-Eating Plant eats them but he spits them out)'' :'''Puppy-Eating Plant''': There are some things that even I won’t eat! Ugh! ---- ''(The plane is about to take off)'' :'''Flight Recorder''': Will all passengers please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take-off? :'''Lisa''': Are you all ready to go, Nose Marie? :'''Nose Marie''': As ready as I’ll ever be, Lisa. :'''Flight Recorder''': Flight Niner five to Los Angeles requests our clearance for take-off. :'''Pilot #1''': Oh, hold the phone, Flight Niner five. We have unauthorized personnel on the runway. :'''Pilot #2''': Correction. We have unauthorized dogs on the runway. ''(They see Pound Puppies coming on the runway)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' :'''Whopper''': ''(Imitating siren noise)'' Hey! Pull over! :'''Flight Recorder''': There’s going to be a short delay, folks. We have a bunch of dogs blocking our take-off. :'''Lisa''': Dogs? ''(Howler howls off-screen)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Howler? ''(Nose Marie gets out and runs to the plane door)'' ''(Pound Puppies bark at the plane then the plane door opens)'' :'''Nose Marie''': What are you all doing here? :'''Cooler''': Nose Marie! Don’t leave us, kiddo! I need you! :'''Howler, Bright Eyes and Whopper''': We need you! :'''Holly''': The puppy pound just wouldn’t be the same without you. ''(Nose Marie comes to hug Holly)'' :'''Nose Marie''': I missed you, southern fried goodness! :'''Cooler''': Absitively posolutely! :'''Lisa''': Nose Marie, what’s going on? Oh. Is Nose Marie your dog? :'''Holly''': Well, kind of. You see, we really need her help with the pound. :'''Freddie''': Well, how about another puppy who’s just as nice and cute? Hi. My name’s Freddie. ''(Freddie licks Lisa)'' :'''Lisa''': Oh. Freddie, you’re perfect. ''(They all howl)'' ---- :'''Lisa and Freddie''': Thanks, Pound Puppies! ''(They wave goodbye to Pound Puppies and then the plane takes off)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Another happy adoption. :'''Cooler''': And it’s all thanks to you, Nose Marie. :'''All''': You’re the greatest! ''(They kiss her)'' :'''Nose Marie''': That’s the best little old Mother’s Day present of all! == Episode 29: Snow Puppies == ''(It is a very sunny day at the puppy pound)'' ''(Down below, Pound Puppies are having a relax in the Pound Puppy Lagoon)'' :'''Cooler''': Whoa. The only way to beat this heat is to think cool thoughts. Like cooler is cool, ice is cool, the lagoon is cool. :'''Nose Marie''': I’m really sick about poor little old Thunderhawk. ''(Thunderhawk tries to drink but the water is so icy and he pants)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': He’s drinking more water than the otter. He can’t stand the heat! :'''Cooler''': What’s the temp up to now, Whopper? :'''Whopper''': It’s a hundred… a thou… No. A mid-air of core diamond degree! ''(Whopper looks at the thermometer that goes up really high then explodes a little bit)'' :'''Whopper''': Hya! ---- ''(Thunderhawk pants)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Howler, can you tell us why the heat is hitting Thunderhawk so super-duper hard? :'''Howler''': ''(howling)'' The Computer-Pupter should give us the answer. ''(Howler’s Computer-Pupter calculates and says “HOT”)'' :'''Computer-Pupter''': Thunderhawk’s problem is, he’s hot! He’s hot! He’s hot! :'''Cooler''': We know he’s hot, but why is he hotter than the rest of us hotshots? :'''Holly''': I think I have the answer. ''(looking at the book)'' It says here. Thunderhawk’s the Siberian Husky. These dogs thrive best in a cold climate. They love ice and snow. :'''Cooler''': Then what we have to do is get this puparoo a master with an igloo. ---- ''(In the Hall of Puppy Power)'' :'''Holly''': Puppy Power, do your stuff. Find a place that’s cold enough. :'''Cooler''': ''(to Thunderhawk)'' A master with a freezing home. Someplace maybe north of Nome? :'''Bright Eyes''': Where’s Nome? :'''Whopper''': In Alaska, same time zone is Santa Claus. ''(Puppy Power appears with a boy named Nahook who is polishing his sled in Alaska)'' :'''Oran''': Hey, Nahook. Nice sled! You gonna be in the race on Saturday? :'''Nahook''': Nah. I still don’t have a dog. How can I race? :'''Oran''': Well, maybe you can pull the sled yourself. Ha, ha, ha, ha! :'''Nahook''': Very funny, Oran. ''(sighs)'' :'''Thunderhawk''': I can be Nahook’s sled dog. :'''Holly''': And Nahook could be your new ever loving master. :'''Thunderhawk''': Together, we can win any race. :'''Cooler''': Pups and puppets, we’re snowbound hounds! Alaskey, here we come! ---- :'''Katrina''': ''(sighs)'' I’m miserably hot. The only comfort is knowing those mutts so suffering more than I am. :'''Brattina''': Eww! I don’t think so, Mommy Dearest. Look! ''(Pound Puppies and Thunderhawk are speeding away to Alaska)'' :'''Holly''': Good luck, Pound Puppies! :'''Pound Puppies''': Thanks, Holly! :'''Katrina''': Stop those mongrels! ''(Katrina and Brattina try to get Pound Puppies but they get away)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, blast it all! They’re getting away! ''(They hear the ground sizzling)'' :'''Brattina''': ''(sniffs)'' Mommy Dearest, did you smell something? I think someone is having a cookout. :'''Katrina''': No, Brattina dear. It’s the smell of our bare feet sizzling on the hot pavement. ''(They jump off the ground burning)'' :'''All''': Whoa! ---- ''(At the airport, the parcels and packages are delivered to the Air Mail plane and is about to be ready for take-off)'' ''(In the box saying “Live Animals,” Pound Puppies and Thunderhawk pop out)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Air mailing ourselves to Alaska is a super-nifty idea, Cooler! :'''Howler''': But, kids, please, don’t try this at all. :'''Cooler''': I just hope I haven’t already seen the inflight movie. :'''Katrina''': ''(Off-screen)'' There they are! :'''All''': Uh-oh! :'''Katrina''': Those walking float mongrels won’t get away from me! Grab them! :'''Cooler''': Let’s hit the friendly skies, guys! ''(Katrina tries to take the box but the mechanical hands grab them and put them in the other box)'' :'''Katrina''': Gotcha! No! Let go of me! :'''Brattina''': Take your gunky hands off me! Eww! Icky! :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ''(Catgut is put into the box and they close the lid)'' :'''Katrina''': No! Get me out of here! Let me out I say! Where are we going?! ''(The plane door shuts and then the Air Mail plane takes off to Alaska)'' ---- ''(The Air Mail plane lands on the runway and stops) (Pound Puppies and Thunderhawk are wrapped up warm and getting out of the plane) :'''Katrina''': Oh! I’m freezing. And tha-a-at’s all the bunch of those c-c-c-crooked c-c-c-canines. Those mutts drive me nuts! ''(Katrina is now frozen, so Brattina and Catgut have to carry her)'' :'''Brattina''': Come on, Catgut. We have to go far with Mommy Dearest. :'''Catgut''': ''(meows)'' ---- :'''Nahook''': Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might. Have this wish I wish tonight. I wish I had a dog to pull my sled to victory. ''(Suddenly, he can hear a sled coming in)'' :'''Whopper''': Ho ho ho! Ho ho Idaho! :'''Nahook''': Who in the world are you? :'''Whopper''': I’m Santa Whopper, and I bought you a present. :'''Thunderhawk''': Hi. My name is Thunderhawk. You need a sled up for the big race? :'''Nahook''': Do I? You bet! :'''Thunderhawk''': And I’m your pup. ''(he licks Nahook)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': Aww! Thunderhawk finally has a loving master to care for him! :'''Nahook''': Now listen, Thunderhawk, I want to win that race tomorrow. :'''Thunderhawk''': You got it, Nahook! :'''Nahook''': Great! We’re gonna leave Oran in the slush. :'''Cooler''': Whoa. Looks like winning a race is the only thing those who care about. ---- ''(At Pierre’s General Store)'' :'''Katrina''': Let’s see. We have dog traps, doormats, dog cage, kitty litter. :'''Brattina''': Well, bust my back already, why don’tcha! :'''Katrina''': Now, Pierre, what do you have in a vehicle that will smash anything in its path? :'''Pierre''': I see this may lose it to it now. ''(He presses the button and the door slides open revealing the snow-mobile)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! ---- :'''Race Recorder''': Welcome, Musketeers, to the Junior Cross Country Dog Sled Race. All teams report to the starting line. :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' Ready for the big event, Thunderhawk? :'''Thunderhawk''': No problem. We’re gonna win for sure. :'''Nose Marie''': Well, just as long as you have fun, darling. :'''Oran''': Hey, look! Nahook has a dog! Sort of puny dog, innit? ''(laughing)'' :'''Nahook''': Oh, yeah? Well, we’ll see who’s laughing when I cross the finish line first. :'''Cooler''': Whoa! Chill out, Nahook. You got to remember. Winning isn’t everything. :'''Nahook''': You’re right, Cooler. Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing. ---- :'''Race Recorder''': Musketeers, on your marks, get set… ''(Gunshot in off-screen)'' :'''Nahook''': Mush, Thunderhawk, mush! :'''Whopper''': Go get ‘em, Thunderhawk! :'''Bright Eyes''': We’re behind you all the way! ''(They hear snow-mobile coming in)'' :'''Howler''': ''(howls)'' Check out who’s behind us! Katrina Stoneheart! :'''Katrina''': Full speed ahead! ''(laughs evilly)'' :'''Cooler''': Crew, I believe this is a cute and discadoo! ''(They all run away from her and get on the sledge)'' :'''Cooler''': Howdy-up-aroo! ''(They sled down the hill before Katrina, Brattina and Catgut come at them)'' ''(They sing in a version of “Jingle Bells”)'' :'''Pound Puppies''': Dashing through the snow :In a pound pup open sleigh :O’er the fields we go :Barking all the way ''(barking)'' :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Trouble beaver trap :Makes up smart or shrap :I’ll take down the puppy pound :Makes that lots of fun :'''Pound Puppies''': Oh! Pound Puppies, Pound Puppies :Barking all the way :What a brach always fast :In a pound pup open sleigh :'''Katrina and Brattina''': Pound Puppies, Pound Puppies :There’s no place to run :What a tree the pups are beast :Doggy days are gone ''(They run into the snow dropping the net)'' ''(The polar bear notices the villains riding down the hill, so he chases them)'' ---- ''(At the cabin)'' :'''Brattina''': Nah-nah! We have the icky puppies like yucky rats! :'''Katrina''': ''(using the microphone)'' Pound Puppies, come out with your paws up but we’re coming in after you! What will it be? :'''Whopper''': You can’t take little Whopper alive, see? Yeah. It’s snow, see? ''(They throw snowballs at Katrina)'' :'''Katrina''': Ahh! All right then! We’re coming in! Brattina, get the net! :'''Brattina''': Totally bust my ears, why don’tcha! ---- :'''Cooler''': Quick, we’ll sneakaroo out the back way. ''(Howler opens the backdoor and they sneak out)'' :'''Cooler''': Keep running and don’t look back! :'''Howler''': And more importantly, don’t look down. ''(They stop running and look down at the river below)'' ''(So they run back and grab on a cliff)'' :'''Cooler''': Nose Marie, I believe the next line is yours. :'''Nose Marie''': Well, thank you, Cooler honey. ''(clears throat)'' HELP!! ---- :'''Katrina''': Brattina, I told you to get the net! How long is it going to take? :'''Brattina''': I don’t know, Mommy Dearest. You’ll have to ask stinky Mr. Polar Bear. ''(They notice the polar bear and they are chased away)'' :'''Katrina''': Oh! :'''Polar Bear''': ''(growls)'' :'''Katrina''': Run for your lives! :'''Polar Bear''': ''(growls)'' :'''Brattina''': Icky-icky-icky-poo poo-oo-oo! ---- :'''Cooler''': Yep, we’re still hanging around, but I don’t know about how much longer. ''(The edge of the ice begins to crack)'' :'''Nose Marie''': If only someone could save us! ---- ''(Meanwhile, Thunderhawk is taking the lead in the race)'' :'''Nahook''': That’s it, Thunderhawk! We’re winning! Faster, faster! ''(Thunderhawk is about to win but he notices the Pound Puppies via Puppy Power)'' :'''Nose Marie''': Save us! Please, somebody save us! :'''Nahook''': We’re gonna win, Thunderhawk! We’re gonna win! :'''Nose Marie''': ''(Off-screen)'' Please save us! :'''Thunderhawk''': We’re coming, Pound Puppies! :'''Nahook''': Thunderhawk, what are you doing? Get back on the trail! :'''Thunderhawk''': Something more important has come up, Nahook. :'''Nahook''': For what is more important down the house? ''(The edge of the ice is cracking)'' :'''Cooler''': I’m afraid this is the end of the trail, puparoos! ''(As it cracks, Thunderhawk saves them)'' :'''Nose Marie''': ''(sighs)'' Oh, my southern fried goodness! We’re saved! :'''Cooler''': Thanks to Thunderhawk! :'''All''': Hooray! ---- :'''Race Recorder''': And the winner of the Junior Cross Country Dog Sled Race is Laura Swanson! :'''All''': Hooray! :'''Oran''': Hey, nice race, Nahook. :'''Nahook''': Thanks, Oran. :'''Oran''': Better luck next time to both of us. ''(They laugh)'' :'''Bright Eyes''': ''(sadly)'' Sorry we lost the race for you, Thunderhawk. :'''Thunderhawk''': ''(sighs)'' I guess I’m not a winner after all. :'''Nahook''': Are you kidding? You’re more than a winner. You’re a hero! And now we both know that there are more important things than winning. :'''Cooler''': Things like being a real pet. :'''Nahook''': You bet. :'''Thunderhawk''': That mean you still wanna adopt me? :'''Nahook''': More than everything. :'''Thunderhawk''': Alright! :'''Nose Marie''': You know what? They both look like winners to me. :'''Howler''': ''(howls off-screen)'' :'''Cooler''': Okay, crew, time to roll. We have to catch the late mail flight back to the pound. ''(They make their way back to the airport)'' :'''Whopper''': Cooler, do you think Katrina will get back to the pound before we do? :'''Cooler''': Gee. I don’t know, Whopper. ''(They can hear polar bear growling at the villains who run away from it)'' :'''Brattina''': Make it stop, Mommy Dearest! Make it stop! :'''Katrina''': Oh, Brattina, stop whining and just keep moving! :'''Cooler''': It depends on how fast she can run. ''(laughs)'' == Episode 30: Where’s the Fire? == :'''Katrina''': Ah! There’s a mongrel right outside the pound. ''(to Brattina)'' DO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS! :'''Brattina''': Well, scream like a banshee, why don’tcha! :'''Katrina''': Oh, stop complaining, Brattina! We have a dog to catch! == Episode 31: The Wonderful World of Whopper == :'''Beezer''': Boy, am I bored? Bored, bored, bordy bored, bored. I’m so bored, I could scream. ''(screams)'' :'''Whopper''': Ahoy, Beezer! How can you be bored with us? All kinds of fun stuff to do around here. :'''Beezer''': Oh. ''(yawning)'' Oh, yeah? Like what? :'''Whopper''': Like, uh, well, let’s see. Like swinging through the jungle for instance? :'''Beezer''': I think your flea color’s on too tight, Whopper. What jungle? :'''Whopper''': I’ll show ya. See my jungle treehouse here? :'''Beezer''': That’s just your dumb old boring doghouse. :'''Whopper''': Yeah, but you can pretend it’s anything you want! Watch this! == Episode 32: Bright Lights, Bright Eyes == :'''Cooler''': Well, today’s the day, Bright Eyes. It’s Talent Show City. :'''Nose Marie''': Are you ready to sing your heart out, honey lam? :'''Bright Eyes''': Ooh, ready and rating to go. I’m gonna knock their socks off. Wish me luck! Although, I know I don’t need it. :'''Cooler''': Hmm. If this is a bragging contest, Bright Eyes will win first place-a-rooney. == Episode 33: Dog and Caterpillar == :'''Whopper''': Cooler! Nose Marie! Bright Eyes! Howler! Help! :'''Cooler''': Whoa! What’s the problem-o? :'''Whopper''': It’s Squiggle! He’s gone! I can’t find him anywhere! :'''Nose Marie''': I thought I saw him wiggling up the little old pupscalator. ''(Whopper runs up the pupscalator)'' :'''Whopper''': Oh, no! Catgut will get him up there! :'''Cooler''': Oh, what a goof! I shoulda warned Whopper that someday his caterpillar pal would have to move on. == Episode 34: Garbage Night: The Musical == :'''Holly''': Here it is! The Pets ‘R’ People Too Restaurant. :'''Cooler''': Whoa, a dress code! No furs, no feathers, no food. :'''Holly''': Right. That’s because it’s only for pet on us and airy animals. :'''Bright Eyes''': What a nifty neato idea! It’s like feeding time at the zoo! :'''Whopper''': Yeah, but they’re eating vegetables and stuffing’s good for ya. I wanna eat junk food. == Episode 35: Peter Pup == ''(At the Wizard of Howls’)'' :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': Oh, mighty Wizard of Howls! We need your help. :'''Nose Marie (Sparkle)''': Tell us how to defeat that wicked ol’ witch Lies-a-lot. :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': You’re our last hope. :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': I am. I am. Well, isn’t that special? ''(howls)'' :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': We’re doomed. :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': L-L-Let me just check my book of spells. A book ski-doodle our book ski-die. Flap see all your pages and fly! ''(Books of spells fly and spin faster and faster around Wizard of Howls)'' :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': Ah, this is how I studied for tests at Wizard School. Nothing better these dizzy spells, but I’m not afraid now. ''(howls)'' I found it! Ah, here’s the way to put the kibosh on Queen Lies-a-Lot. :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': So what do we do? Cast a spell? Mix a potion? Change your kitty litter or what? :'''Howler (Wizard of Howls)''': ''(looking at the book)'' The only way to start our evil is for the puppy who told the lies to admit it. :'''Nose Marie (Sparkle)''': Now if we only knew who the little ol’ fipper was. ''(Peter Pup imagines it is Whopper in his diaper)'' :'''Cooler (Peter Pup)''': I may be wrong. But my hunch is it’s that dude in the diaper. == Episode 36: Cooler, Come Back == ''(They arrive at the Ends of the Earth)'' :'''Katrina''': Here we are! The Ends of the Earth. Now, to unload our cargo, ''(She reverses backwards over the cliff)'' and give Cooler a bon voyage. ''(laughs evilly)'' ''(Katrina, Brattina and Catgut get out of the truck and go to the back, but she realizes that Cooler has escaped)'' :'''Katrina''': No. No! No! That blasted animal’s GONE! ''(The cliff begins to crumble)'' :'''Brattina''': Eww! What a icky mess, Mommy Dearest! :'''Katrina''': That’s the sound of the dark crumbling beneath our feet. ''(The cliff collapses and they fall and land into the river)'' :'''All''': Whoa! :'''Katrina''': I’ll get even with you, Cooler! Wherever you ARE!! ''(They fall over the waterfall)'' == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Sitcoms]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]] [[Category:ABC animated TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:Freeform shows]] [[Category:TV shows set in Los Angeles]] 7j2oyz5mh8kafn48ugw8i99ad83p7iz 0 272322 3955066 3698035 2026-06-21T14:47:34Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Cato the Younger */ 3955066 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Busto de Catón el Joven - Museo Arqueológico de Rabat (1).jpg|thumb|Inscribed bronze bust from {{w|Volubilis}}]] '''{{w|Marcus Porcius Cato Uticensis}}''' ('of Utica'; 95 BC – April 46 BC), also known as '''Cato the Younger''' (Latin: ''Cato Minor''), was an influential conservative Roman senator during the late Republic. His conservative principles were focused on the preservation of what he saw as old Roman values in decline. A noted orator and a follower of [[Stoicism]], his scrupulous honesty and professed respect for tradition gave him a powerful political following which he mobilised against powerful generals of his day, including [[Julius Caesar]] and [[Pompey]]. == Quotes == * Bear in mind, that if through toil you accomplish a good deed, that toil will quickly pass from you, the good deed will not leave you so long as you live; but if through pleasure you do anything dishonourable, the pleasure will quickly pass away, that dishonourable act will remain with you for ever. ** In the speech which he delivered ''Numantiae apud Equites'' ('At Numantia to the Knights'); quoted by [[Aulus Gellius]], ''Attic Nights'', XVI, i, 4 *** <small>John C. Rolfe, ed. ''The Attic Nights of Aulus Gellius'', [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.188910/page/n157/mode/2up Vol. 3], LCL 212 (1928), p. 131</small> * I will begin to speak when I am not going to say what were better left unsaid. ** Quoted by [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cato the Younger'', 4 *** <small>Bernadotte Perrin, ed. ''Plutarch's Lives'', [https://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/E/Roman/Texts/Plutarch/Lives/Cato_Minor*.html Vol. 8], LCL 100 (1919), pp. 247, 361</small> * Nay, men, if any of you had heeded what I was ever foretelling and advising, ye would now neither be fearing a single man nor putting your hopes in a single man. ** Quoted by [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cato the Younger'', 52 *** <small>Bernadotte Perrin, ed. ''Plutarch's Lives'', [https://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/E/Roman/Texts/Plutarch/Lives/Cato_Minor*.html Vol. 8], LCL 100 (1919), pp. 247, 361</small> == Quotes about Cato the Younger == *It is worth observing, how we feel ourselves affected in reading the characters of [[Julius Caesar|Cæsar]], and Cato, as they are so finely drawn and contrasted in [[Sallust|Salust]]. In one, the ''ignoscendo, largiundo'' ["pardoning, bestowing"]; in the other, ''ni''[''hi'']''l largiundo'' ["bestowing nothing"]. In one, the ''miseris perfugium'' ["being a refuge for the miserable"]; in the other, ''malis perniciem'' ["destroying the wicked"]. In the latter we have much to admire, much to reverence, and perhaps something to fear; we respect him, but we respect him at a distance. The former makes us familiar with him; we love him, and he leads us whither he pleases. **[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[w:A Philosophical Enquiry into the Origin of Our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful|A Philosophical Enquiry into the Origin of Our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful]]'' (2nd ed. 1759), pp. 206-207; translations of the Latin are from Eric v.d. Luft and Diane Davis Luft, eds., ''Burke on the Sublime'' (North Syracuse, New York: Gegensatz Press, 2014), p. 92 * ''Victrix causa deis placuit, sed vieta Catoni.'' ** The victorious cause pleased the gods, but the conquered one Cato. *** [[Lucan]], ''Pharsalia'', I, 128 *** This line is associated with the {{w|Lost Cause of the Confederacy}} and inscribed on the base of the [[w:Confederate Memorial (Arlington National Cemetery)|Confederate Memorial]] at Arlington National Cemetery. *** Cabell Smith, [https://archive.org/details/confederateveter28conf/page/124/mode/2up "Inscriptions on Arlington Confederate Monument"], ''Confederate Veteran'', vol. 20 (1920), p. 124 * Unconquer’d Cato, virtuous in extreme. ** [[w:James Thomson (poet, born 1700)|James Thomson]], ''[[w:The Seasons (Thomson)|Winter]]'' (1726) ==See also== * [[Cato the Elder]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Stoics]] [[Category:Politicians from Rome]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] mb18tjaa4kcnfitzn0tym04slqyk2ep 0 276277 3955149 3954805 2026-06-21T21:48:47Z Joreberg 323041 /* Quotes about J.D. Vance */ Trump: If it works out, I'm going to take the credit. If it doesn't work out, I'm blaming JD. 3955149 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:March 2026 Official Vice Presidential Portrait of JD Vance.jpg|thumb|Even at my best, I'm a delayed explosion.]] '''[[w:JD Vance|James David Vance]]''' (born '''James Donald Bowman'''; August 2, 1984) is an American politician, author, and [[w:Venture capitalist|venture capitalist]]. A member of the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he was elected [[w:Vice President of the United States|Vice President of the United States]] in the [[2024 United States presidential election|2024 election]]. Previously he served as the [[w:Seniority in the United States Senate|junior]] [[w:United States Senate|United States senator]] from Ohio from 2023 to 2025. [[File:Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|Of all the things I hated about my childhood, nothing compared to the revolving door of father figures.[https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/15/us/politics/27-facts-about-jd-vance.html]]] [[File:1998 RFK Silver Dollar Reverse.png|thumb|“If you’re going to punch the Iranians, you punch them hard"[https://jewishinsider.com/2024/07/vance-on-iran-if-youre-going-to-punch-the-iranians-you-punch-them-hard/]]] ==Quotes== === 2012 === * A significant part of Republican [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]] policy centers on the possibility of deporting 12 million people (or ‘self-deporting’ them). Think about it: we [[Conservatism|conservatives]] (rightly) mistrust the government to efficiently administer [[business]] loans and [[Regulation|regulate]] our food supply, yet we allegedly believe that it can deport millions of unregistered aliens. The notion fails to pass the laugh test. The same can be said for too much of the party’s platform. ** Blog post written in 2012, deleted in 2016, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/09/17/politics/jd-vance-delete-2012-blog-post-attacking-gop-anti-immigrant-rhetoric/index.html "JD Vance got a former professor to delete a blog post Vance wrote in 2012 attacking GOP over anti-immigrant rhetoric"] ''CNN'' (September 17, 2024) * Republicans lose [[Minority group|minority]] voters for simple and obvious reasons: their policy proposals are tired, unoriginal, or openly hostile to non-whites. ** Blog post written in 2012, deleted in 2016, stored in Internet Archive: [https://web.archive.org/web/20140305032241/http://centerforworldconflictandpeace.blogspot.com/2012_11_01_archive.html "A blueprint for the GOP"] (November 15, 2012) === 2014 === * I hate the [[Law enforcement in the United States|police]]. * Given the number of negative experiences I've had in the past few years, I can't imagine what a [[Black people|Black]] guy goes through. ** Written in 2014 in an e-mail to his then close friend Sofia Nelson, identifying as transgender, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/jd-vance-i-hate-police-remark-raises-eyebrows-1931086 "JD Vance's 'I Hate the Police' Remark Raises Eyebrows"], ''Newsweek'' (July 27, 2024) ===2016=== * I go back and forth between thinking [[Donald Trump|Trump]] is a cynical asshole like [[Richard Nixon|Nixon]] who wouldn't be that bad (and might even prove useful) or that he's [[United States|America]]'s [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. How's that for discouraging? ** From a screenshot (February 2016), as cited in [https://ohiocapitaljournal.com/2022/04/19/americas-hitler-old-j-d-vance-message-turns-up-in-heated-senate-primary/ "Vance wondered whether Trump was 'America’s Hitler,' says former roommate sharing screenshot"], ''Ohio Capital Journal'' (April 19, 2022) * Mr. Trump is unfit for [[President of the United States|our nation’s highest office]]. * Anger about the wars isn't the only reason voters support Mr. Trump. But his willingness to say what other G.O.P. candidates won't reflects what people like most about him: his complete break with the party elite. Because the last time Republican voters put a member of that elite in the White House, he sent their children on a bloody misadventure. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/04/opinion/campaign-stops/why-trumps-antiwar-message-resonates-with-white-america.html "Why Trump’s Antiwar Message Resonates with White America"], ''The New York Times'' (April 4, 2016) * What Trump offers is an easy escape from the [[pain]]. To every complex problem, he promises a simple solution. He can bring [[jobs]] back simply by [[Punishment|punishing]] [[w:Offshoring|offshoring]] [[companies]] into submission. As he told a [[New Hampshire]] crowd—folks all too familiar with the opioid scourge—he can cure the [[Opioid epidemic in the United States|addiction epidemic]] by building a [[Mexico|Mexican]] wall and keeping the cartels out. He will spare the United States from humiliation and [[military]] defeat with indiscriminate [[Bombs|bombing]]. It doesn’t matter that no credible military leader has endorsed his plan. He never offers details for how these plans will work, because he can’t. Trump’s promises are the needle in America’s collective vein.<br /><br />The great tragedy is that many of the problems Trump identifies are real, and so many of the hurts he exploits demand serious thought and measured action—from [[Government|governments]], yes, but also from [[community]] leaders and individuals. Yet so long as people rely on that quick high, so long as [[wolves]] point their fingers at everyone but themselves, the [[Nations|nation]] delays a necessary reckoning. There is no self-reflection in the midst of a false [[euphoria]]. <b>Trump is cultural [[heroin]].</b> He makes some feel better for a bit. But he cannot fix what ails them, and one day they’ll realize it.<br /><br />I’m not sure when or how that realization arrives: maybe in a few months, when Trump loses the [[Elections|election]]; maybe in a few years, when his supporters realize that even with a President Trump, their homes and families are still domestic war zones, their [[newspapers]]’ obituaries continue to fill with the names of people who died too soon, and their faith in the [[American Dream]] continues to falter. But it will come, and when it does, I hope Americans cast their gaze to those with the most power to address so many of these problems: each other. And then, perhaps the nation will trade the quick high of “[[Make America Great Again]]” for real [[medicine]]. ** [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/07/opioid-of-the-masses/489911/ "Opioid of the Masses"], ''The Atlantic'' (July 4, 2016) * “[[Human|Humans]] appear to have some need to look down on someone; there’s just a basic tribalistic impulse in all of us,” Vance recently told The American Conservative. “And if you’re an elite [[White people|white]] professional, [[Working class in the United States|working-class]] whites are an easy target: You don’t have to feel guilty for being a [[Racism in the United States|racist]] or a [[Xenophobia|xenophobe]]. By looking down on the hillbilly, you can get that high of self-righteousness and superiority without violating any of the moral norms of your own tribe.” ** according to [https://nypost.com/2016/07/30/why-white-trash-americans-are-flocking-to-donald-trump/ Why ‘white trash’ Americans are flocking to Donald Trump] (2016/07/30/) * I think there's a chance, if I feel like Trump has a really good chance of winning, that I might have to hold my nose and vote for [[Hillary Clinton]]. * I think that I'm going to vote third party because I can't stomach Trump. I think that he's noxious and is leading the white working class to a very dark place. And ultimately I just don't share Hillary Clinton's [[politics]]. ** [https://www.npr.org/2016/08/17/490328484/hillbilly-elegy-recalls-a-childhood-where-poverty-was-the-family-tradition "'Hillbilly Elegy' Recalls A Childhood Where Poverty Was 'The Family Tradition'"], ''NPR'' (August 17, 2016) * Trump makes people I care about afraid. [[Immigration|Immigrants]], [[Islam in the United States|Muslims]], etc. Because of this I find him reprehensible. [[God]] wants better of us. ** Tweet (October 2016), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''CNN'' (July 6, 2021) * Fellow [[Christianity|Christians]], everyone is watching us when we apologize for this man. Lord help us. ** Tweet (October 2016), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''CNN'' (July 6, 2021) ** Following ''The Washington Post'' account of the [[w:Donald Trump Access Hollywood tape|Donald Trump ''Access Hollywood'' tape]] on October 7, 2016 * [On [[National Public Radio|NPR]], August 2016] I can't stomach Trump * [Interviewed by [[w:Charlie Rose|Charlie Rose]], <!-- 18 -->October 2016] I'm a Never-Trump guy. I never liked him. ** As cited by Amy B. Wang and Meryl Kornfield in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2024/07/15/jd-vance-vp-pick-trump/ "J.D. Vance’s journey from a 'Never Trump' guy to Trump’s VP pick"], ''The Washington Post'' (July 15, 2024) * I think this election is really having a negative effect especially on the white working class. What it’s doing is giving people an excuse to point the finger at someone else, point the finger at [[Mexican Americans|Mexican immigrants]], or [[China|Chinese]] trade or the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] elites or whatever else. ** Said in an interview in October 2016, cited in [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cn07dv4mrg2o "JD Vance was once 'never Trump'. Now he's his running mate"], ''BBC'' (July 16, 2024) * My God what an idiot. ** About Donald Trump, in a tweet in October 2016, cited in [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/10/23/jd-vance-ohio-senate-trump-comments-516865 "‘My god what an idiot’: J.D. Vance gets whacked for past Trump comments"], ''Politico'' (October 23, 2021) * Trump's biggest failure as a political leader is that he sees the worst in people and he encourages the worst in people. ** Interview: [https://time.com/4556065/jd-vance-white-working-class/ "J.D. Vance on Why Life Might Get Worse for the White Working Class"], ''Time'' (November 3, 2016) * My fear with Trump was always that he didn't have great solutions. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/paloma/daily-202/2016/12/21/daily-202-why-the-author-of-hillbilly-elegy-is-moving-home-to-ohio/5859da6ee9b69b36fcfeaf48/ "The Daily 202: Why the author of ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ is moving home to Ohio"], ''The Washington Post'' (December 21, 2016) ====Interview, ''Slate'' (August 25, 2016)==== :<small>'''[https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2016/08/hillbilly-elegy-author-j-d-vance-on-trump-racism-and-how-the-media-is-failing-the-white-working-class.html "Compassion, and Criticism, for the White Working Class"], ''Slate'' (August 25, 2016)'''</small> * Donald Trump is frankly dangerous. * My view is both that Trump is tapping into some racially ugly attitudes, but also that he is leading people to racially ugly attitudes. * When people read ''[[w:Breitbart News|Breitbart]]'' every single day and convince themselves that [[Barack Obama]] is a foreign [[Terrorism|terrorist]], that is not a problem of government. That is a problem of community failure, and we have to recognize that. * I don’t think that 60-70 percent of working-class white voters would have supported a [[w:Trump travel ban|Muslim ban]] before Donald Trump said something about a Muslim ban. I think that all you have to do is go back to the most recent Republican president and the way that [[George W. Bush]] encouraged us to think openly and supportively about our Muslim citizens. There is an element here where I think it’s not just that Trump is exploiting something but he’s also leading the white working class to a very dark place. ====''[[w:Hillbilly Elegy|Hillbilly Elegy]]''==== * President Obama came on the scene right as so many people in my community began to believe that the modern American meritocracy was not built for them. We know we're not doing well. We see it every day: in the obituaries for teenage kids that conspicuously omit the cause of death (reading between the lines: overdose), in the deadbeats we watch our daughters waste their time with. Barack Obama strikes at the heart of our deepest insecurities. He is a good father while many of us aren't. He wears suits to his job while we wear overalls, if we're lucky enough to have a job at all. [[Michelle Obama|His wife]] tells us that we shouldn't be feeding our children certain foods, and we hate her for it--not because we think she's wrong, but because we know she's right. * I don't know what the answer is, precisely, but I know it starts when we stop blaming Obama or Bush or faceless companies and ask ourselves what we can do to make things better. * Even at my best, I'm a delayed explosion - I can be defused, but only with skill and precision. It's not just that I've learned to control myself but that Usha has learned how to manage me. ===2017=== * At a pivotal time in my life, Barack Obama gave me hope that a boy who grew up like me could still achieve the most important of my dreams. For that, I'll miss him, and the example he set. ** Opinion: [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/02/opinion/barack-obama-and-me.html "Barack Obama and Me"], ''The New York Times'' (January 2, 2017) * In 4 years, I hope people remember that it was those of us who empathized with Trump's voters who fought him the most aggressively. ** Tweet (March 2017), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''CNN'' (July 6, 2021) === 2018=== * I quickly realized that Trump's actual policy proposals, such as they are, range from immoral to absurd. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/02/18/donald-trump-white-working-class-rust-belt-voters-elections-2016-column/80422422/ "Trump speaks for those Bush betrayed"], ''USA Today'' (February 16, 2018) ===2020=== * Trump has just so thoroughly failed to deliver on his economic populism (excepting a disjointed [[China–United States relations|China policy]]) ** Tweeted in February 2020, quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/jd-vance-trump-economy-election-b2620029.html "JD Vance said Trump ‘thoroughly failed to deliver’ his economic agenda in uncovered 2020 messages"], ''Independent'' (September 27, 2024) ===2021=== *The next time that we get power, whether it's...President Trump round two in 2024...I think the thing that we have to take away from the last ten years is that we really need to be really ruthless when it comes to the exercise of power. **On the [[w:The Federalist|Federalist Radio Hour]] (May 18, 2021), as cited in "Why J.D. Vance Is Thinking 'Very Seriously' About A Senate Bid". Event occurs from 25:31 to 25:39. * And I ask folks not to judge me based on what I said in 2016, because I’ve been very open that I did say those critical things and I regret them, and I regret being wrong about the guy. ** On ''[[Fox News]]'' (July 5, 2021), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''[[CNN]]'' (July 6, 2021) * I think that what Trump should do, like if I was giving him one piece of advice, fire every single mid-level bureaucrat, every civil servant in the administrative state, replace them with our people, and when the courts - because you will get taken to court - and then when the courts stop you, stand before the country like Andrew Jackson did and say: the Chief Justice has made his ruling, now let him enforce it. ** On ''Jack Murphy Live'' (September 17, 2021) as cited in [https://www.newsweek.com/j-d-vance-confronted-donald-trump-supreme-court-1866713 "Republican J.D. Vance Confronted on Wanting to Fire 'Every Civil Servant'"] ''Newsweek'' (February 5, 2024) * If you're a journalist and you’re not asking questions about this case you should be ashamed of yourself. ** Written about the [[Jeffrey Epstein]] case in a [https://x.com/JDVance/status/1476544880797270020 social media post] on December 30, 2021, quoted in [https://www.politico.com/news/2025/07/16/popular-podcaster-lobs-barb-at-jd-vance-over-epstein-files-00459059 "Popular podcaster lobs barb at JD Vance over Epstein files"] ''Politico'' (July 16, 2025) ===2022=== * I think if any of us want to do the things that we want to do for our country and for the people who live in it, we have to honestly and aggressively attack the [[universities]] in this country. ** From his speech "The professors are the enemy", quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/2022-midterm-elections-business-ohio-education-186ca3f092a60603891b60e199a3fa02 "JD Vance paid $70K by colleges he bashes as Senate candidate"], ''AP News'' (April 21, 2022) * We are effectively run in this country, via the Democrats, via our [[Corporations|corporate]] [[Oligarchy|oligarchs]], by a bunch of '''childless cat ladies''' who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made, and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too. And it's just a basic fact. If you look at [[Kamala Harris]], [[Pete Buttigieg]], [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]] — the entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children. And how does it make any sense that we've turned our country over to people who don't really have a direct stake in it? If we want a healthy ruling class in this country, we should invest more, we should vote more, we should support people who actually have kids, because those are the people who actually have a direct stake in the future of the country. ** From the interview by [[Tucker Carlson]] on ''[[Fox News]]'' at [https://www.foxnews.com/video/6265796735001 JD Vance: The US is being run by 'childless cat ladies'] (July 29, 2021), as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/aoc-jd-vance-cat-ladies-b1894081.html "AOC hits back at JD Vance after he calls her and Pete Buttigieg 'childless cat ladies'’ who shouldn’t govern because they don’t have kids"], ''The Independent'' (July 30, 2021), and as cited in Grace Panetta [https://msmagazine.com/2024/07/15/jd-vance-trump-vp-pick-abortion-lgbtq-women/ "JD Vance, Trump’s VP Pick, Has Opposed Abortion and LGBTQ+ Rights"], ''Ms'' (July 15, 2024), reprinted from ''[[w:The 19th|The 19th]]'', and as cited in [https://www.today.com/news/childless-cat-lady-jd-vance-kamala-harris-rcna163254 Why JD Vance’s 2021 comments calling Kamala Harris a ‘childless cat lady’ are going viral], the [[w:Today (American TV program)|NBC ''Today'' show]] (July 23, 2024) ** Vice President Kamala Harris has two step-children with her husband [[w:Doug Emhoff|Doug Emhoff]]. * Did you see me on FOX Primetime recently? I needed to speak DIRECTLY to patriots like you about the serious issue of radical childless leaders in this country. [...] We can’t have people who don't have a direct stake in this country making our most important decisions.<br />We've allowed ourselves to be dominated by childless [[Sociopath|sociopaths]] - they're invested in NOTHING because they're not invested in this country's children. Fighting back won't be easy - our childless opponents have a lot of free time. That's why I need YOU to stand with me. ** From a fundraising email (August 2021) for his Senate run, as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/07/30/politics/kfile-jd-vance-history-disparaging-people-without-kids/index.html "It's not just 'cat ladies': JD Vance has a history of disparaging people without kids"], ''CNN'' (July 30, 2024) * I believe the [[devil]] is real and that he works terrible things in our society. That's a crazy [[Conspiracy theories|conspiracy theory]] to a lot of very well-educated people in this country right now. **From a [https://s3.documentcloud.org/documents/24815790/jd-vance-teneo-network-2021-speech.pdf speech Vance gave at the Teneo Network conference]. As cited by Kroll, Andy (June 16, 2024). [https://www.propublica.org/article/jd-vance-alex-jones-leonard-leo-teneo-maddow-video "In Private Speech, J.D. Vance Said the 'Devil Is Real' and Praised Alex Jones as a Truth-Teller"]. ''ProPublica''. * [On his opposition to abortion in cases involving [[incest]] or [[rape]]] It's not whether a [[Women|woman]] should be forced to bring a [[Children|child]] to term, it's whether a child should be allowed to live, even though the circumstances of that child's birth are somehow inconvenient or a problem to the society. * The question to me is really about the baby [...] We want women to have opportunities, we want women to have choices, but, above all, we want women and young boys in the womb to have a right to life. ** In an interview on ''Spectrum News'' (Columbus, Ohio; September 22, 2021), as cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/vance-abortion-rape/2021/09/24/c3007318-1d32-11ec-8380-5fbadbc43ef8_story.html "Ohio Senate candidate J.D. Vance argues against need for rape and incest exceptions in abortion laws"], ''The Washington Post'' (September 24, 2021) * This is one of the great tricks that I think the [[w:Sexual_revolution|sexual revolution]] pulled on the American populace, which is the idea that like, "well, OK, these [[Marriage|marriages]] were fundamentally, you know, they were maybe even violent, but certainly they were unhappy. And so getting rid of them and making it easier for people to shift spouses like they change their underwear, that’s going to make people happier in the long term." * And maybe it worked out for the moms and dads, though I'm skeptical. But it really didn't work out for the kids of those marriages. [...] And that's what I think all of us should be honest about, is we've run this experiment in real time. And what we have is a lot of very, very real family dysfunction that's making our kids unhappy. ** Speaking at Pacifica Christian High School, <!-- Newport Beach -->California (September 2021), as cited in [https://www.vice.com/en/article/93abve/jd-vance-suggests-people-in-violent-marriages-shouldnt-get-divorced "JD Vance Suggests People in ‘Violent’ Marriages Shouldn’t Get Divorced"], ''Vice'' (July 25, 2022) * There's something comparable between [[abortion]] and [[slavery]] [...] and that while the people who obviously suffer the most are those subjected to it, I think it has this morally distorting effect on the entire society. ** On the ''Catholic Currents'' podcast (October 20, 2021), as cited in [https://ohiocapitaljournal.com/2022/07/26/black-state-lawmakers-take-aim-at-vance-over-comments-likening-abortion-to-slavery/ "Black state lawmakers take aim at Vance over comments likening abortion to slavery"], ''Ohio Capital Journal'' (July 28, 2022) ** The date of the podcast is taken from the [https://thecatholiccurrent.libsyn.com/new-voices-for-life-and-liberty-jd-vance-karoline-leavitt linked source]. * So much of what we want to accomplish, so much of what we want to do in this movement, in this country, I think are fundamentally dependent on going through a set of very hostile institutions, specifically the universities, which control the [[knowledge]] in our society, which control what we call truth and what we call falsity, that provides research that gives credibility to some of the most ridiculous ideas that exist in our country. * I think if any of us want to do the things that we want to do for our country and for the people who live in it, we have to honestly and aggressively attack the universities in this country. * The universities in our country are fundamentally corrupt and dedicated to deceit and lies, not to the truth. * The simple fact is that our universities tell the powerful what they want to hear, and they couch it in ridiculous political rhetoric instead of dealing with the real consequences of progressive policy. * [[Progressivism|Progressive]] politics, it’s not about uplifting [[Minority group|minorities]], it’s not about healing our [[planet]], it’s not about looking after the [[Poverty|poor]]. Progressive politics is a language, a language used by our new oligarchy to do two things: On the one hand to rob the American people blind, and on the second hand to tell them to shut the hell up about it if they dare complain. That is the purpose of American progressive politics. * We are giving our children over to our enemies and it’s time we stop doing it. * We have got to get out of the mindset that the only way to live a good life in this country, the only way for our children to succeed, is to go to a four-year university, where people will learn to hate their country and acquire a lot of debt in the process. * The professors are the enemy. ** Speech November 2, 2021: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FR65Cifnhw "J.D. Vance | The Universities are the Enemy | National Conservatism Conference II"], ''National Conservatism'' (November 10, 2021) * I don't really care what happens to [[Ukraine]] one way or another. ** On [[Steve Bannon]]'s ''War Room'' podcast (February 19, 2022), as cited in [https://www.businessinsider.com/gop-candidate-jd-vance-i-dont-care-what-happens-ukraine-2022-2 "GOP Senate candidate JD Vance said he doesn't 'really care what happens to Ukraine'"], ''Business Insider'' (February 21, 2022) * We didn't not serve in the [[United States Marine Corps|Marine Corps]] to go and fight [[Vladimir Putin]] because he didn't believe in [[Transgender rights movement|transgender rights]] [...] Which is what the [[United States Department of State|U.S. State Department]] is saying is a major problem with [[Russia]]. ** On [[Steve Bannon]]'s ''War Room'' podcast (February 19, 2022), as cited in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2022/feb/21/jd-vance/jd-vance-says-transgender-rights-drives-looming-co/ "Says Joe Biden risks war with Russia because Vladimir Putin doesn't 'believe in transgender rights'"], ''Politifact'' (February 21, 2022) * If your worldview tells you that it's bad for women to become [[mothers]] but liberating for them to work 90 hours a week in a cubicle at the ''[[The New York Times|New York Times]]'' or [[w:Goldman Sachs|Goldman Sachs]], you've been had. ** [https://x.com/JDVance1/status/1541113407650336768?s=20&t=z_g7zQL385LLqfQ463AJtA Tweet] (June 26, 2022), as cited in [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/01/style/usha-jd-vance-ohio.html "From Yale to Newsmax, Usha Vance Has Helped J.D. Vance Chart His Path"], ''The New York Times'' (November 1, 2022) ** The [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court]] had ended ''[[Roe v. Wade]]'' two days earlier. ===2023=== * Trump’s Best Foreign Policy? Not Starting Any Wars * He has my support in 2024 because I know he won’t recklessly send Americans to fight overseas. ** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/trumps-best-foreign-policy-not-starting-any-wars-ukraine-russia-war-rocket-nuclear-power-weapons-defense-11675186959 "Trump’s Best Foreign Policy? Not Starting Any Wars"] ''Wall Street Journal'' (January 31, 2023) *We have built a [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] of hectoring and moralizing and lecturing countries that don't want anything to do with this. The [[China|Chinese]] have a [[foreign policy]] of building [[Road|roads]] and [[Bridge|bridges]] and feeding poor people, and I think that we should pursue a foreign policy, a [[diplomacy]], of [[respect]] and a foreign policy that is not rooted in moralizing; it is rooted in the national interests of this country. ** [https://www.congress.gov/congressional-record/volume-169/issue-65/senate-section/article/S1238-1 FIRE GRANTS AND SAFETY ACT--Continued] (April 19, 2023) ===2024=== * The United States has provided a blanket of security to [[Europe]] for far too long. * The question each European nation needs to ask itself is this: are you prepared to defend yourself? And the question the US must ask is: if our European allies can't even defend themselves, are they allies, or clients? * In the US, justifications for the war often depend on a contemporary domino theory: unless we stop [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] in [[Russian invasion of Ukraine|Ukraine]], he won't stop there. But the time has come for Europe to stand on its own feet. That doesn't mean it has to stand alone, but it must not continue to use America as a crutch. ** [https://www.ft.com/content/3c87ef13-122f-4e78-a7af-54c75c30a91d "Europe must stand on its own two feet on defence"], ''Financial Times'' (February 19, 2024) ** The [[w:Domino theory|Domino theory]] during the [[Cold War]] postulated that if one country came under the influence of Communism, its neighbors would follow. It was used as an argument in favor of American intervention. * I have to beat up on the [[United Kingdom|UK]] – just one additional thing. I was talking with a friend recently and we were talking about, you know, one of the big dangers in the world, of course, is [[w:Nuclear proliferation|nuclear proliferation]], though, of course, the [[Presidency of Joe Biden|Biden administration]] doesn't care about it.<br />And I was talking about, you know, what is the first truly [[Islamism|Islamist]] country that will get a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear weapon]], and we were like, maybe it's [[Iran]], you know, maybe [[Pakistan]] already kind of counts, and then we sort of finally decided maybe it's actually the UK, since [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour]] just took over. ** At the [[w:National Conservatism Conference|National Conservative Conference]] in Washington DC (July 11, 2024), as cited in Jessica Elgot [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/article/2024/jul/16/trump-running-mate-jd-vance-uk-first-islamist-country-nuclear-weapon "Trump’s running mate says UK could be ‘first Islamist country’ with nuclear weapons"], ''The Guardian'' (July 16, 2024). ** The [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|2024 United Kingdom general election]] was held on 4 July 2024 resulting in the Labour Party gaining a parliamentary majority. *[On attacks on [[United States Armed Forces|U.S. troops]] in the [[Middle East]] from [[Armed Forces of the Islamic Republic of Iran|forces connected to Iran]]] They have attacked, certain militia groups have attacked and I think we've done the right thing, a proportionate response. If they hit us, we have to hit them back but if you're talking about an attack on the [[Iran|Iranian]] mainland, that would be a significant escalation right now that would be a mistake. **On ''Face the Nation'' (CBS, October 29, 2023) [https://thehill.com/policy/international/4282057-jd-vance-says-he-would-not-support-authorizing-military-action-in-iran/ "JD Vance says he would not support authorizing military action in Iran"], ''The Hill'' (October 29, 2023) * There are just these basic cadences of life that I think are really powerful and really valuable when you have kids in your life. And the fact that so many people, especially in America’s leadership class, just don’t have that in their lives. You know, I worry that it makes people more sociopathic and ultimately our whole country a little bit less, less mentally stable. And of course, you talk about going on [[Twitter]] — final point I’ll make is, you go on Twitter and almost always the people who are most deranged and most psychotic are people who don’t have kids at home. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4799959-vance-criticizes-childless-people/ "Vance: 'Childless people' in US leadership 'more sociopathic'"], ''The Hill'' (July 30, 2024) * Democrats say that it is racist to believe, well, they say it’s racist to do anything. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/j-d-vance-toasts-diet-105856732.html "J.D. Vance Toasts With Diet Mountain Dew After ‘Racist’ Joke Falls Flat"], ''Yahoo News'' (August 2, 2024) * I think Donald Trump didn't serve in the military, but he didn't lie about it. * Donald Trump didn't lie about serving in the military. He didn't say that he went to [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]] when he didn't. This is the problem. I don't criticize anybody. Whether they served in our country or not. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/jd-vance-confronted-donald-trump-avoiding-service-vietnam-war-1937536 "JD Vance Confronted on Donald Trump Avoiding Service in Vietnam War"], ''Newsweek'' (August 11, 2024) * Average new [[car]] costs nearly $50,000 a year. ** [https://newrepublic.com/post/184885/jd-vance-speech-michigan-mistake "Watch: Idiot J.D. Vance’s Speech Derails With Embarrassing Flubs"], ''New Republic'' (August 14, 2024) * She’s not doing a very good job. ** Claimed about Tom Vilsack, Agriculture Secretary, quoted in [https://newrepublic.com/post/184885/jd-vance-speech-michigan-mistake "Watch: Idiot J.D. Vance’s Speech Derails With Embarrassing Flubs"], ''New Republic'' (August 14, 2024) * We can't worry about polls. * I'm telling you, every single person who’s watching this, the Trump campaign is in a very, very good spot. ** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/jd-vance-compares-kamala-harris-to-jeffrey-epstein-in-fox-news-interview "JD Vance Compares Kamala Harris to Jeffrey Epstein in Fox News Interview"], The ''Daily Beast'' (August 18, 2024) * Consistently what you’ve seen in 2016 and [[2020 United States presidential election|2020]], is that the [[Mass media|media]] uses fake polls to drive down Republican turnout and to create dissension and conflict within Republican voters. ** Claimed when commenting polls presented by Fox News, quoted in [https://www.salon.com/2024/08/18/jd-vance-thinks-polls-showing-surge-of-harris-support-are-fake/ "JD Vance thinks polls showing surge of Harris support are "fake""], ''Salon'' (August 18, 2024) * I just don’t understand a person in American politics in 2024 who’s whining about what happened to them instead of using their leadership and using their influence to make the lives of American citizens better. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jd-vance-whining-dnc-reaction-cnn_n_66c6c7f9e4b0f1ca4693d24b "Critics Think JD Vance's DNC Response Applies Perfectly To Trump"], ''Huffington Post'' (August 22, 2024) * Donald Trump can point to four years of successful leadership and say "I delivered rising prices". ** [https://boingboing.net/2024/08/22/some-of-the-witless-things-jd-vance-said-yesterday.html "Some of the witless things JD Vance said yesterday"], ''Boing Boing'' (August 22, 2024) * Sounds like we got some fans and some haters. ** [https://therecount.com/watch/sounds-like-we-got-some/2645896079 "Sounds like we got some fans & some haters": Vance is booed before speaking in front of firefighters union in Boston."], ''The Count''(August 29, 2024) * President Trump and I are proud to be the most pro-worker Republican ticket in history. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/jd-vance-booed-during-speech-firefighters-1946265 "JD Vance Booed During Speech to Firefighters"], ''Newsweek'' (August 29, 2024) * While it’s tempting, and I’m sure it would make some big headlines, don’t worry any-ev-everybody I’m not going to try to take off my shirt here. ** [https://newrepublic.com/post/185447/jd-vance-booed-speech-firefighters "J.D. Vance Booed by Entire Crowd During Dumpster Fire Speech"], ''New Republic'' (August 29, 2024) * They couldn't beat him at the ballot box, so they tried to [[Bankruptcy|bankrupt]] him. They failed at that, so they tried to [[Impeachment of Donald Trump|impeach]] him. They failed at that. So they tried to put him in [[prison]], and they even tried to kill him. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/29/trump-assassination-attempt-vance-republicans-lie/74958685007/ "They tried to kill him' is now the bogus claim Vance uses to introduce Trump" / "One person tried to kill Trump ‒ and he wasn't a Democrat"], ''USA Today'' (August 29, 2024) * I’ve said a lot of stupid things on camera, sometimes when you’re in the public eye you make mistakes and again. I think the best way to deal with it is to laugh at ourselves, laugh at this stuff and try to have some fun in politics. ** [https://www.inkl.com/news/vance-bizarrely-compares-harris-cnn-interview-to-flubbed-answer-by-teen-beauty-queen-17-years-ago "Vance Bizarrely Compares Harris's CNN Interview To Flubbed Answer by Teen Beauty Queen 17 Years Ago"], ''Inkl'' (August 30, 2024) * Months ago, I raised the issue of [[Haiti|Haitian]] illegal immigrants draining [[Social programs in the United States|social services]] and generally causing chaos all over Springfield, Ohio. Reports now show that people have had their pets abducted and eaten by people who shouldn’t be in this country. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4869901-vance-haitians-eating-pets-ohio-trump/ "Vance pushes false accusations of Haitians eating pets"], ''The Hill'' (September 9, 2024) * I don't think most Americans, whether they like her music, are fans of her or not, are going to be influenced by a billionaire celebrity who I think is fundamentally disconnected from their interests and the problems of most Americans. ** Claimed about [[Taylor Swift]] after she endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris in the 2024 Presidential Election, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/taylor-swift-jd-vance-kamala-harris-fox-news-comments-1953155 "JD Vance's Response to Taylor Swift Endorsing Kamala Harris Backfires"], ''Newsweek'' (September 13, 2024) *The American media totally ignored this stuff, until Donald Trump and I started talking about cat memes.<br>If I have to create stories so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that’s what I’m going to do. ** Said about his claims about Haitians supposedly eating cats, dogs and ducks in Springfield, Ohia, quoted in [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/15/republican-ohio-gov-mike-dewine-trump-vance-false-immigrant-pets-conspiracy.html "‘A piece of garbage’: Republican Ohio Gov. condemns Trump-Vance false immigrant pet-eating conspiracy"], ''CNBC'' (September 15, 2024) * [[Eggs]], when Kamala Harris took office, were short of $1.50 a dozen. Now a dozen eggs will cost you around $4. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/jd-vance-eggs-kamala-harris-b2617527.html "JD Vance mocked for another botched photo opp — as he blames Harris for eggs costing $4 while standing in front of a $2.99 display2], ''Independent'' (September 24, 2024) * The rules were that you guys weren’t going to fact-check. And since you’re fact-checking me, I think it’s important to say what’s actually going on. ** October 1, 2024, addressing debate moderators ({{cite news |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/01/us/politics/cbs-debate-fact-checking-vance.html |newspaper=[[The New York Times]] |date=October 1, 2024 |first=Michael M. |last=Grynbaum |title=CBS Sought the Middle Ground on Fact-Checking. Vance Jumped Into the Gap.}} {{cite news |title=JD Vance's mic gets cut while talking about Springfield at VP debate |agency=[[w:NBC News]] |first=Alex |last=Seitz-Wald |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/jd-vances-mic-gets-cut-talking-springfield-vp-debate-rcna173562 |date=October 1, 2024}}) * Our interest very much is in not going to war with Iran. It would be a huge distraction of resources. It would be massively expensive to our country, * America doesn’t have to constantly police every region of the world. We should empower people to police their own regions of the world. One: We would save a lot of money. Two: We’d save a lot of focus. ** [https://www.timesofisrael.com/vance-us-and-israeli-interests-wont-always-overlap-we-dont-want-war-with-iran/ "Vance: US and Israeli interests won’t always overlap; we don’t want war with Iran"] ''The Times of Israel'' (October 29, 2024) * In two days, we are going to take out the trash in [[Washington, D.C.]], and the trash’s name is Kamala Harris. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2024/11/04/election-2024-live-updates-trump-harris/76033477007/ "Election 2024 live updates: Trump, Harris await Election Day results; new polls"], ''USA Today'' (November 4, 2024) ===2025=== * I don't think stupid social media activity should ruin a kid’s life. We shouldn't reward journalists who try to destroy people. Ever. ** Cited in {{cite news|author1=Bobby Allyn|author2=Shannon Bond|title=Member of Elon Musk's DOGE team resigns after racist posts resurface |url=https://www.npr.org/2025/02/06/nx-s1-5289337/elon-musk-doge-treasury |website=npr.org |publisher=National Public Radio |access-date=February 7, 2025 |archive-date=February 7, 2025 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20250207002354/https://www.npr.org/2025/02/06/nx-s1-5289337/elon-musk-doge-treasury |url-status=live }} [https://x.com/JDVance/status/1887900880143343633] {{cite news|author1=Dan Mangan|author2=Kevin Breuninger |title=Staffer at Musk’s DOGE resigns after racist social media posts exposed |url=https://www.cnbc.com/2025/02/06/musk-doge-staffer-resigns-over-racist-social-media-posts.html |website=cnbc.com |publisher=CNBC |access-date=February 7, 2025 |archive-date=February 6, 2025 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20250206224546/https://www.cnbc.com/2025/02/06/musk-doge-staffer-resigns-over-racist-social-media-posts.html |url-status=live }} * Even when people express views outside your own country, and even when those people are very influential – and trust me, I say this with all humour – if American democracy can survive ten years of [[Greta Thunberg]]'s scolding you guys can survive a few months of [[Elon Musk]]. ** Speech at the [[w:Munich Security Conference|Munich Security Conference]] in Germany (February 14, 2025), as cited in [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/jd-vance-what-i-worry-about-is-the-threat-from-within/ "Read: JD Vance’s full speech on the fall of Europe"], ''The Spectator'' (London, February 14, 2025) ([https://archive.is/LyPyC Archive save]) * I think a lot of European nations were right about our [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|invasion of Iraq]]. And frankly, if the Europeans had been a little more independent, and a little more willing to stand up, then maybe we could have saved the entire world from the strategic disaster that was the American-led invasion of Iraq. ** From an interview with the Unherd website, as cited in [https://www.dw.com/en/jd-vance-says-europe-should-have-done-more-to-stop-iraq-war/a-72250397 "JD Vance says Europe should have done more to stop Iraq War"], ''DW'' (April 15, 2025). ** The original (paywalled) article is [https://unherd.com/2025/04/jd-vance-my-message-to-europe/ here] and the complete transcript is [https://unherd.com/2025/04/transcript-unherds-interview-with-jd-vance/ here]. * President Trump has done more than anyone in my lifetime to earn the trust of the movement he leads. I am proud to stand beside him. * There are many lies the corporate media tells about President Trump. One of the most glaring is that he's impulsive or short-tempered. Anyone who has seen him operate under pressure knows that's ridiculous. ** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/day-after-blistering-exchange-trump-calls-elon-musk/story?id=122567621 "Trump tells ABC Musk 'lost his mind'; 'not particularly' interested in talking to him"], ''ABC News'' (June 6, 2025) * Seriously, we need to release the Epstein list. That is an important thing. ** Said in an October 2024 podcast, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5407114-theo-von-criticizes-epstein-files-release/ "Theo Von asks ‘what changed’ with Vance on Epstein files"] ''The Hill'' (July 17, 2025) * Well, I've finally made it. ** Reaction to being parodied in ''[[South Park]]'', quoted in [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/ive-finally-made-it-jd-vance-reacts-to-animated-debut-on-south-park-9044500 "JD Vance responds to South Park’s brutal takedown of Trump admin"] ''NDTV'' (August 7, 2025) * If you go back to [[World War II]], if you go back to [[World War I]], if you go back to every major conflict in human history, they all end with some kind of negotiation. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jd-vance-world-war-2-russia-ukraine_n_68ab4784e4b0434e01af8c5a "JD Vance Bungles Basic History While Talking Russia-Ukraine Negotiations"] ''Huffington Post'' (August 24, 2025) ===2026=== * [On the economy] You don't turn the [[w:Sinking of the Titanic|Titanic]] around overnight. It takes time to fix what was broken. ** From a speech in Toledo, Ohio (January 22, 2026), as cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/205567/jd-vance-compares-america-titanic "JD Vance Unironically Compares America to the Titanic"], ''The New Republic'' (January 23, 2026). *I don’t think they’re aliens. I think they’re demons anyway, but that’s a longer discussion. Well, look, I think that celestial beings who fly around, who do weird things to people. I think that the desire to describe everything celestial, everything is otherworldly, to describe it as aliens. I mean, every great world religion, including Christianity, the one that I believe in, has understood that there are weird things out there and there are things that are very difficult to explain. I naturally go ― when I hear about, sort of, extra natural phenomenon, that’s where I go to ― to the Christian understanding that there’s a lot of good out there, but there’s also some evil out there. And I think that one of the devil’s great tricks is to convince people he never existed. :*Quoted in Kelby Vera, ''[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jd-vance-aliens-demons-devil_n_69c93d9de4b0a014076f69bb JD Vance Believes UFO Sightings Are 1 Of The 'Devil’s Great Tricks']'', ''Huffington Post'' (March 29, 2026) *I think it's very, very important for the pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology **[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/trump-administration/vance-warns-pope-careful-talking-theology-rcna331881 April 14, 2026] * Now, you can't boo me. I'm the Vice President of the United States. ** [https://www.rawstory.com/vance-cannot-boo-me/ "Vance forbids Air Force cadets from heckling him at graduation: 'You can't boo me'"] ''RawStory'' (May 28, 2026) * I think that America has earned the trust of that region of the world ** Claimed about the Middle East after the US attack on Iran, quoted in [https://www.telegraphindia.com/world/israels-freakout-over-us-iran-agreement-a-little-bit-odd-attacks-in-beirut-not-acceptable-jd-vance/cid/2166165 "Israel's 'freakout' over US-Iran agreement a 'little bit odd', attacks in Beirut 'not acceptable': JD Vance"] ''The Telegraph of India'' (June 18, 2026) * You're a country of 9 million people. You can't just kill your way out of solving every single national security problem that you have. ** Said about Israel, quoted in [https://www.telegraphindia.com/world/israels-freakout-over-us-iran-agreement-a-little-bit-odd-attacks-in-beirut-not-acceptable-jd-vance/cid/2166165 "Israel's 'freakout' over US-Iran agreement a 'little bit odd', attacks in Beirut 'not acceptable': JD Vance"] ''The Telegraph of India'' (June 18, 2026) == Quotes about J.D. Vance == * We've endorsed J.P. — right? J.D. Mandel, and he’s doing great. ** [[Donald Trump]], referring to J.D. Vance in May 2022 at a rally in [[Nebraska]], cited in [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/15/us/politics/jd-vance-name.html "J.D. Vance Was Not Always His Name. But It’s the One That Felt Closest to Home."], ''The New York Times'' (July 15, 2024) * J.D. is kissing my ass. He wants my support so bad. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/09/19/politics/donald-trump-jd-vance-ohio-rally/index.html "Donald Trump humiliated J.D. Vance for fun"], ''CNN'' (September 19, 2022) * We're going to defeat Donald Trump, the career criminal and incorrigible recidivist con man and his pet chameleon. JD Vance. ** [[Jamie Raskin]], U.S. representative for Maryland, at the 2024 Democratic National Convention *Vance did not get this extremist ideology from his Appalachian upbringing or—needless to say—Yale Law. It was incubated in America's tech capital, [[San Francisco]], where he forged crucial ties with [[Peter Thiel|Thiel]], [[Curtis Yarvin|Yarvin]], and [[w:David Sacks|David Sacks]], the longtime Thiel associate and pro-[[Putin]] crusader who recently hosted a Trump fundraiser at his mansion in Pacific Heights. And if Vance ends up in the [[White House]], it will be with $45 million in monthly campaign contributions from [[Elon Musk|Musk]], who already made a $44 billion in-kind contribution by gutting San Francisco-based [[Twitter]] and transforming it into a right-wing misinformation weapon. **[[w:Gil Duran|Gil Duran]] writing in [https://newrepublic.com/article/183971/jd-vance-weird-terrifying-techno-authoritarian-ideas "Where J.D. Vance Gets His Weird, Terrifying Techno-Authoritarian Ideas"], ''The New Republic'' (July 22, 2024) * Historically, the choice of the vice president makes no difference. You're voting for the president. And you can have a vice president who's outstanding in every way—and I think JD is, I think that all of them would have been—but you're not voting that way, you're voting for the president. ** Donald Trump, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-says-jd-vance-has-virtually-no-impact-election-1932832 "Donald Trump Says JD Vance Has 'Virtually No Impact' on Election"], ''Newsweek'' (July 31, 2024) * Not me. They’re talking about J.D. ** [[Donald Trump]], after he and JD Vance had been called "weird", quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/vance-defends-trump-nick-fuentes-dinner-1235077931/ "J.D. Vance Likes That Trump ‘Will Talk to Anybody,’ Including Nazi-Loving Nick Fuentes"], (August 11, 2024) * JD Vance, do you understand why there was a sudden job opening for running mate on the GOP ticket? They tried to kill your predecessor. They tried to kill him because he would not follow Trump’s plan to destroy and nullify the votes of millions of Americans. ** [[Jamie Raskin]], U.S. representative for Maryland, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/4836461-jamie-raskin-jd-vance-donald-trump-mike-pence-jan-6-dnc-remarks/ "Raskin to Vance: ‘They tried to kill your predecessor’"], ''The Hill'' (August 20, 2024) * This is a piece of garbage that is simply not true. There’s no evidence of this at all. Discussion about Haitians eating dogs is just not helpful. And, again, these people are here legally. They’re here legally, and they want to work, and they are, in fact, working. ** Republican Governor [[w:Mike DeWine|Mike DeWine]] of Ohio, quoted in [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/15/republican-ohio-gov-mike-dewine-trump-vance-false-immigrant-pets-conspiracy.html "‘A piece of garbage’: Republican Ohio Gov. condemns Trump-Vance false immigrant pet-eating conspiracy"], ''CNBC'' (September 15, 2024) * In the wake of JD Vance admitting he 'created' the pet-eating story, and as a result of the very real threats the communities and people he has targeted are now under... I am calling on him to RESIGN as our Senator. ** Senator for Ohio Casey Weinstein, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/ohio-senator-casey-weinstein-calls-jd-vance-resign-1954318 "Ohio Congressman Calls on JD Vance To Resign As Senator"], ''Newsweek'' (September 16, 2024) * Here's our state's junior Senator bragging about terrorizing Ohioans with malicious lies in order to change the subject in the national election he's losing. ** Ohio representative Michele Grim, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/ohio-senator-casey-weinstein-calls-jd-vance-resign-1954318 "Ohio Congressman Calls on JD Vance To Resign As Senator"], ''Newsweek'' (September 16, 2024) * Far from just repeating claims he’s heard, Vance has actually helped create much of the chaos he’s now trying to exploit. * This pet-eating panic was built on nothing. It turns out not long after his first post about Haitians eating pets, his campaign actually called the Springfield city manager, who remembers Vance’s staff asked point-blank: ‘Are the rumors true of pets being taken and eaten?’ and he said: ‘I told him no.’ * So Vance knew it was a lie this whole time. But instead of just admitting that. he and his campaign have been scrambling to dig up new bulls--t evidence — all of which either bears no resemblance to the claims he’s made, or falls apart at the slightest scrutiny. * It turns out he’s pretty good at parroting racist lies like the spineless dips--t that he is. ** [[John Oliver]], TV host, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/john-oliver-hammers-jd-vance-for-pushing-pet-eating-panic-he-knew-was-fake "John Oliver Hammers JD Vance for Pushing ‘Pet-Eating Panic’ He Knew Was Fake"], ''The Daily Beast'' (September 23, 2024) *Vance seems to assume that large numbers of native-born white people don’t constitute ethnic enclaves, and that communities of immigrants somehow do (and he’s clearly uninterested in understanding the forces, positive and negative, that often make newcomers cluster). [[Make America Great Again|MAGA]] has been a largely white movement of non-urban people who seem to think, like Trump himself, that people unlike them are scary and that there is only safety in homogeneity. So if you bend it around and maybe turn it inside out, there’s some “she made him do it” logic to Vance’s declaration “What happens when you have massive amounts of illegal immigration? It actually starts to create ethnic conflict. It creates higher crime rates.” It’s just that the conflict and crime doesn’t come from the immigrants. **[[Rebecca Solnit]] [https://lithub.com/rebecca-solnit-jd-vance-is-just-another-know-nothing-nativist/ "JD Vance is Just Another Know Nothing Nativist"] (August 23, 2024) * If it works out, I'm going to take the credit. If it doesn't work out, I'm blaming JD. ** [[Donald Trump]], about a memorandum of understanding about engaging in negotiations about restoring peace after the US attack on Iran, quoted in [https://www.aol.com/news/vance-says-us-got-iran-233148756.html "Trump finally said it out loud: JD Vance is his Iran fall guy"] ''AOL'' (June 17, 2026) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Vance, J.D.}} [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Members of the United States Senate]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Nationalists]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Yale University alumni]] [[Category:People from Ohio]] [[Category:United States Marines]] [[Category:Vice Presidents of the United States]] 3ojdkux35inmmxvty0bgywob4dpzr43 0 279878 3955104 3955040 2026-06-21T17:18:39Z ~2026-36020-27 3344216 /* "The Last Time to Look on This World of Lies" [3.05] */ 3955104 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 1|1]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 2|2]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 3|3]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 4|4]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 5|5]] [[The Boys (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:The Boys (TV series)|The Boys]]''''' is an American superhero television series developed by Eric Kripke for [[w:Amazon Prime Video|Amazon Prime Video]]. Based on the comic book of the same name by Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson, it follows the eponymous team of vigilantes as they combat superpowered individuals who abuse their abilities. ===''"Payback"'' [3.01]=== :'''Frenchie''': ''[over the openly gay Termite crawling in his pants''] [[w:gerbilling|He's trying to get in my ass!]] <hr width='50%'> :'''Neuman''': Give me a bite. :'''Hughie''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. You want the Valtrex before or after? :'''Neuman''': You love that bagel so much you're gonna fake [[w:Herpes|herpes]]? :'''Hughie''': I could have herpes. You don't think I could have herpes? :'''Neuman''': ''[smirks]'' How'd surveillance go with Termite last night? :'''Hughie''': You know, I haven't checked in with Butcher yet, but… I'm sure it went fine. ''[pause; Neuman gives him a look of uncertainty]'' Don't–No, don't give me that face. :'''Neuman''': I'll bet you a crisp $100 bill something got fucked up. :'''Hughie''': You don't know that. :'''Neuman''': ''[holds her hand out]'' Okay, take the bet. :'''Hughie''': …I'm–I'm not gonna take the bet, but uh… ''[Neuman takes the bagel from him]'' Wow, really? :'''Neuman''': Mm-hmm. :'''Hughie''': Okay, still, Butcher delivers every time. :'''Neuman''': And I have to apologize for him every time. Look, Butcher's the guy you want in a shooting war. No question. But we're in peacetime. ''[eats the bagel]'' Oh, my God. So worth the herpes. <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': Yeah. So, uh, you gonna stay over again tonight? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Don't know. It depends. Um, you gonna bring Aquafresh? :'''Hughie''': I would brush with [[w:Miconazole|Monistat]] if it meant I could have sex with you. Yes. <hr width='50%'> :''[Robert Singer holds up a vial of green liquid that looks similar to the blue Compound V]'' :'''Robert Singer''': V24, huh? :'''Stan Edgar''': Marketing is still testing the name, but it's the future, Bob. One dose of this temporary V gives a soldier 24 hours of powers. Give or take. And then, they return right back to normal. :'''Singer''': How stable is it? :'''Edgar''': Still ironing out the kinks. :'''Singer''': And if it's temporary, that means the DoD has to keep buying doses. At how much a hit? :'''Edgar''': Two million, roughly. :'''Singer''': So over the course of a month-long operation, that's sixty million per soldier. Six hundred million per squad. :'''Edgar''': Campaign going well, is it? :'''Singer''': I appreciate your contribution to my super PAC. :'''Edgar''': People do love a cowboy in the White House. I hear they're even calling you Dakota Bob. So how would it look if you pass up the opportunity to give our brave soldiers superpowers? :'''Singer''': Supes in the Army are an unmitigated shitshow. What Black Noir did to that Hard Rock Café in Lagos should be brought up on war crimes. :'''Edgar''': ''[closes the conference room doors]'' You're right. :'''Singer''': I'm sorry? :'''Edgar''': You are absolutely right. The problem, of course, was making the Super into heroes. :'''Singer''': I don't follow. :'''Edgar''': Making them figures to be worshiped. The fame, the movies, the depraved sex? It ruined them. Cone of silence–in five years, I hope to be out of the superhero business entirely. :'''Singer''': Bullshit. :'''Edgar''': This should be a serious company. A defense and pharmaceutical company. Not a daycare dealing with spoiled children and dead prostitutes. But the point is, you won't have to worry about any of that, because your soldiers will only be super temporarily. The product, finally perfected. :'''Singer''': Stan, when you say Compound V... :'''Stan Edgar''': V-''24''. :'''Singer''': Do you know what the public hears? [[w:Gestapo|Gestapo]]. [[w:Swastika|Swastika]]. And that's your fault; you used a Nazi to sell it! Compound V is [[w:radioactive decay|radio-fucking-active]]. It's not gonna fly in Congress. :'''Edgar''': I still have a few strings that I can pull in Congress... <hr width='50%'> :'''Supersonic''': ''[sitting at desk with Annie]'' Oh, my God. Come on. :'''Hughie''': Hi. Hey, hi. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Hi! :'''Supersonic''': Hughie, what's up, my man? :'''Hughie''': How's it going, guys? What are you guys doing? :'''Annie/Starlight''': We're running lines, actually. :'''Hughie''': [[w:reality television|For a reality show]]? :'''Supersonic''': Right? The reality behind the reality. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Mm-hmm. :'''Hughie''': Yeah, um... oh, man, I was in the, uh, control room, and they had this, like, bio thing on you. :'''Supersonic''': Oh, God, I'm sorry. Yeah, that boy band shit is so embarrassing. :'''Annie/Starlight''': You know what, I really like "Rock My Kiss." :'''Supersonic''': Really? :'''Annie/Starlight''': I do. :'''Supersonic''': Did you? I... I actually... Wait, I thought it made you puke. ''[both their faces turn into mutual recollection]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': Shut up... Shut up! :'''Supersonic''': It's true. :'''Hughie''': What are you guys, what are you, what are you talking about? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Okay, be careful. I can still kick you off the show. :'''Supersonic''': He has a right to know. Come on, we were, what, 19? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Eighteen. :'''Supersonic''': Okay, so 18, the band was performing at the opening of Voughtland St. Louis. But before the show, Annie and I snuck into a cantina. And they had those... I mean, those yards of [[w:margarita|margarita]]... :'''Annie/Starlight''': I must have drank a quarter mile. :'''Supersonic''': So, middle of the show, we bring out Starlight to do a number. And Little Orphan Alky steps onto the stage, and she just pukes in front of a festival crowd. I mean, the tweens, they lost their shit. Humiliating. :'''Hughie''': Wow, that's... I- I had no idea you drank back then. :'''Supersonic''': Oh, yeah, Miss Goody Two-Shoes, she had a fun side, big time. :'''Hughie''': ''[walking outside]'' And–And really great you guys are still... so close, just really, really great. You have nothing to worry about. :'''Annie/Starlight''': No. No, no, no, totally. He's gross. :'''Hughie''': And you've known him your whole life. And he, you know, took your virginity, so why would I worry? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Okay, it was a mutual taking of virginities. And you know what, it happened so long ago, and only a couple of times. :'''Hughie''': Wait, really? :'''Annie/Starlight''': [[w:monogamy|We were really religious and we weren't married, so it felt weird having sex]]. I mean sex sex. [''Walks into trailer''] [[w:Anal sex|We did a ton of butt stuff]]. [''Hugh stands shocked then she pokes her head in door''] I'm fucking with you. :'''Hughie''': ''[laughs]'' Okay. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Come on. :'''Hughie''': Yeah, never do that again. [''Sitting in trailer''] Wow, uh... Co-captain, huh? Wow, that's, uh... :'''Annie/Starlight''': Is it crazy? I mean, Vought's the worst thing that's ever happened to us, and now you want to be their [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]]? So, yeah, a little crazy. Yeah, but first female co-captain of any super team. Ever. I mean... think about what that would mean to millions of girls. :'''Hughie''': I'm sorry, I- I'm just... surprised, I guess. I mean, is this your mom talking or you? :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[sighs]'' I'm the one whose feet bled at all of those pageants. Okay? I've paid a lot. And, finally, finally, I could have some real power that I could use, and I could make trouble at Vought. Do some real good. :'''Hughie''': Or Homelander can murder you. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Someone needs to stand up to this guy. :'''Hughie''': And that has to be you? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Not just me. I mean, I could bring good people into The Seven who could help me. :'''Hughie''': What, you mean like your boyfriend? :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[pause; stands up]'' It's not a good look, Hughie. No one even bats an eye when a man climbs the ladder. :'''Hughie''': ''[stands up with a raised hand palm out and walks to her]'' Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right. Look, I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So I'll... see you later tonight? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Don't bother with the [[w:Aquafresh|Aquafresh]]. ''[walks away]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Homelander''': Excuse me, Starlight. I need the room. I got a meeting with Stan. :'''Edgar''': Actually, I invited you both. Have a seat. :'''Homelander''': Great. :''[Homelander gets upset when Edgar takes his seat at the head of the table. He begrudgingly sits down in the chair next to him.]'' :'''Edgar''': I remember when you first arrived, Starlight. A farm girl from Kansas. Bright-eyed like Dorothy in Oz. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Iowa. And not a farm. :'''Edgar''': Oh, well, look how far you've come. Polling at 96, a new Vought record. I don't have to tell you that our brand has been a bit tarnished since that ''[looks at Homelander]'' nasty business last year. But you have restored a wholesome, trustworthy image to the company when we needed it the most. Which is why the board wants to make you co-captain of The Seven. :'''Homelander''': What? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Co… Co-captain? ''[stammers]'' But–But... ''[chuckles]'' Homelander is captain. ''[to Homelander]'' I mean, you're–you're captain. :'''Edgar''': This will be beneficial to you both. ''[to Homelander]'' Your numbers are down… What, double digits? The public still associates you with Stormfront. This would be a real bump. A rising tide lifts all boats. :'''Homelander''': That's very thoughtful of you, Stan. Um… When does the board vote? :'''Edgar''': They already did this morning. All that's left is for Starlight to say yes. :'''Annie/Starlight''': No. I mean–I mean, I'm flattered. Thank you, but no thank you. If anybody, it should be Maeve. :'''Edgar''': Maeve doesn't have a 96. :'''Homelander''': Nobody does. Except you, apparently. :'''Edgar''': Homelander, could you give us a moment? :'''Homelander''': Look, I'd really like to keep discussing this. :'''Edgar''': Absolutely. Set a time with Samantha, and we'll get you in. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause; laughs angrily]'' Great. No problem. :'''Edgar''': Excellent. :'''Homelander''': My schedule is pretty full, but I'll try and find you a window. :''[Homelander walks out of the conference room. He turns around and stares coldly at Annie and Edgar as the doors shut on him]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': Okay, sir, there is no way. I mean, you saw him. :'''Edgar''': He can get as pissy as he wants. As long as I'm CEO of Vought, he's under control. And we both know why. :'''Annie/Starlight''': You know that he can–he can probably hear you. :'''Edgar''': Good. I hope he does. Starlight, real power… ''[mimics Annie shooting light with her hands]'' isn't this. It's the ability to bend the world to your will. You would decide what The Seven do, what causes they support. Full authority to fill the team's empty slots. ''[gets up and pushes the chair Homelander was sitting on next to his]'' I'm offering you ''real'' power. You should think about it. <hr width='50%'> :'''A-Train''': Hey, Homelander. :'''Homelander''': What are you drinking? :'''A-Train''': [[w:Shake Shack|Shake Shack]]. :'''Homelander''': Ooh. :'''A-Train''': You want one? I’ll go grab a PA– :'''Homelander''': Oh, no. No. Thank you, though. ''[walks up to A-Train]'' I see you got the extra whipped cream in there, huh? :'''A-Train''': Yeah. :'''Homelander''': ''Yummers''. Guess you wanted to cram in as much fat ''fuck'' as possible, huh? :'''A-Train''': ''[confused]'' …Did I do something wrong? :'''Homelander''': You think I haven’t seen you ''[pokes A-Train's stomach]'' shoving back two dozen cupcakes in the break room? Nine servings on [[w:risotto|Miro's truffle risotto]] night ''[pokes A-Train again]'' Hmm? :'''A-Train''': Hey, man… You know I need 30,000 calories a day. :'''Homelander''': Maybe when you actually ran you did. But now, you’re just eating your feelings, making us look ridiculous. ''[pause]'' “The Fastest Man Alive”, what a fuckin’ joke. ''[walks away]'' :'''A-Train''': ''[whispering under his breath]'' Fuck you, man. :'''Homelander''': ''[stops walking]'' What did you say? :'''A-Train''': Nothing. Nothing...? :''[Homelander quickly walks back to A-Train and grabs him by the back of his neck]'' :'''Homelander''': '''WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?!''' :'''A-Train''': I’m sorry! Shit! I’m so sorry, I–I didn’t mean it! :'''Homelander''': Say it. ''[activates laser eyes; A-Train drops his shake]'' SAY IT! :'''A-Train''': I’m sorry. I’m sorry. :''[Homelander lets go of A-Train and walks away]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Queen Maeve is secretly working with Butcher to investigate a secret weapon that could kill Homelander]'' :'''Queen Maeve''': I heard Termite walked. My lead was good. What happened? :'''Butcher''': Don't ask. :'''Queen Maeve''': Well, we gotta talk. I think I have something. :''[Maeve hands Butcher an archived memorandum file on Soldier Boy]'' :'''Butcher''': Soldier Boy. So what? :'''Queen Maeve''': Remember how he died? :'''Butcher''': Stoppin' a nuclear meltdown in Ohio. '83, '84 I think. Got buried beneath a reactor. Always thought it was bollocks. :'''Queen Maeve''': Yeah, you thought right. Read. :'''Butcher''': ''[looks at the file again]'' What's B.C.L. Red? :'''Queen Maeve''': If you believe the rumors, it's the thing that killed Soldier Boy. Some kind of gun or weapon or something. :'''Butcher''': Had to have been a fuckin' H-bomb. He was nearly as strong as… ''[pause; sees Maeve smiling]'' Ah. :'''Queen Maeve''': If we can find this weapon–or whatever it is–maybe we can use it to blow Homelander's fucking brains out. :'''Butcher''': If it is real, and not some fuckin' fable. :''[Butcher flips through the files and finds a photograph of Soldier Boy standing in the center of a group of other Supes]'' :'''Butcher''': Payback. ''[scoffs]'' What a bunch of fuckin' wankers. :'''Queen Maeve''': I'll say. When The Seven passed them as the number one super team, Crimson Countess sent me a box of cat shit. She was fucking Soldier Boy, and Gunpowder was his sidekick. If anyone knows what happened to him, they do. :'''Butcher''': ''[looks at the photo again and sees Black Noir]'' Your mate Noir was in Payback. Why don't you ask him? :'''Queen Maeve''': ''[chuckles]'' Even if that walking tumor could talk, it wouldn't be to me. Here. :''[Butcher receives three vials of V24 from Maeve]'' :'''Butcher''': What's this? :'''Queen Maeve''': It's Temp V. One shot makes you a Supe for 24 hours. I mean, they think. It's still in R&D. :'''Butcher''': Oh, great. So powers, maybe. Maybe my bollocks swell up like footballs, yeah? :'''Queen Maeve''': Payback may be a bunch of fuckholes, but they're strong. And they're dangerous. If you're going against them, you're gonna need it. :'''Butcher''': And what makes you think that me, of all people, would wanna turn into one of you? :'''Queen Maeve''': This is our best chance to kill Homelander. Don't fuck it up. <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher hears somebody near his apartment just as he's about to pour out the V24. He hides the V24 vials in a bulldog-shaped cookie jar before going out to investigate. Butcher enters the living room and sees Homelander outside staring at him from his balcony]'' :'''Butcher''': ''[opens balcony door]'' If you wanna watch me have a wank, it'll cost you a tenner. :'''Homelander''': May I come in? :''[Cut to Butcher in his kitchen making tea with Homelander inside]'' :'''Homelander''': Where's Ryan? :'''Butcher''': He's at 673 [[w:Teabagging|Nosh My Bollocks]] Ave. You want a pen and paper? :'''Homelander''': You know, I could just... pull you apart, limb by limb. Make you tell me. :'''Butcher''': Nah, that'd be worthless. Victim always goes into shock. You gotta start small. Fingers, toenails, ears... :'''Homelander''': He's my son, William. My family. I'm gonna find him sooner or later. :'''Butcher''': ''[pause]'' Look, uh... I don't mean to be rude, but can we just skip to the part where you laser my fuckin' brains out? :'''Homelander''': Oh, for Christ's sakes. Where's the sport in that? I mean, look at you. It'd be like putting down a wounded dog. :'''Butcher''': You're the one with your tail between your legs on all them fuckin' talk shows. And then, they go and make Starlight co-captain? That's gotta sting. :'''Homelander''': ''[smiles]'' Touché, William. Touché. :'''Butcher''': What're you doin' here? :'''Homelander''': ''[disgusted]'' Vought. And the fucking Bureau. The wheeling and dealing, and–and giving and taking, just to keep everything... exactly the same. And you and me? Well, they treat us like old playthings and put us up on the fucking shelf. Treat us like we're obsolete. Doesn't that make you angry? :'''Butcher''': Yeah. It does. :'''Homelander''': What if... What if it doesn't have to be that way? What if you and I... Well, what if we share a different destiny? Something a little more... [[w:scorched earth|scorched earth]]. Shock and awe. Blood and bone. And in the end, only one of us left standing. ''[beat]'' Isn't that what you want? :'''Butcher''': Too fuckin' right. More than anything. :'''Homelander''': I look forward to it. :''[Butcher glances at the cookie jar then at Homelander's seat, which is now vacant]'' ===''"The Only Man in the Sky"'' [3.02]=== :''[Butcher tries to convince M.M. to rejoin the Boys. M.M.'s daughter, Janine, is also present.]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Okay, one, you don't just pop up here. You call first. And, two, eff Soldier Boy. I don't give a mothereffin' doo-doo how he checked out. :'''Butcher''': Ah, bollocks. He didn't die like no hero. I'll wager he went out on his knees, beggin' like a right cunt. :'''Mother's Milk''': What the f…? :'''Butcher''': ''[to Janine]'' Sorry, love. ''[to M.M.]'' Look, if there's a weapon out there that killed Soldier Boy, then it can kill Homelander. And that's gotta be worth something. Now, we're workin' our way through his old team. Frenchie and Kimiko are startin' with the Crimson Countess, and I'm gonna hit up Gunpowder. :'''Mother's Milk''': Sounds like you got everything covered. :'''Butcher''': This ain't just anyone; it's Soldier Boy. You could close the book on him once and for all. For your dad. Your family. :'''Mother's Milk''': Fuck off with that shit. ''[pause]'' My father died hunched over a desk, obsessing over a dead man while he was ignoring his two living children. And I almost did the same thing to her. ''[points at the door]'' Thanks for coming by. :'''Butcher''': ''[beat; looks at Janine]'' You're doin' a bang-up job with her, mate. <hr width='50%'> :''[Annie refuses to sing a sexy rendition of "Happy Birthday" to Homelander for his televised birthday celebration]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': For the record, I know you don't care whether I sing or not. This is a juvenile attempt to get me to look like a sex doll instead of a co-captain. ''[Homelander chuckles]'' I'm not doing it. :'''Homelander''': I have an idea: Why don't you lighten the fuck up? Come on, you're gonna sing the shit out of this song. Ready? Let's hit it. :'''Edgar''': ''[chimes in over the PA]'' If Starlight doesn't want to sing, she doesn't sing. :'''Homelander''': Stan, what a surprise! :'''Edgar''': Our testing shows that 76 percent of likely viewers will make every effort to watch it tonight for Starlight. As for you, 53 percent might DVR. I think that that means that she can call her own shots, don't you? :'''Homelander''': So how about I just walk, Stan? How would that rate? :'''Edgar''': After the PR hole you dug for yourself this past year, I'd say you're lucky we're even putting on this farce at all. But hey, it's your party. You can cry if you want to. <hr width='50%'> :'''Butcher''': ''[standing besides Gunpowder at the washroom urinal]'' 'Scuse me, Mr. Powder. I'm your number one fan. I've bought all your rifles. Every one of 'em. That Vought VR-15? Ooh… :'''Gunpowder''': That is a hell of a gun. Smooth trigger pull. :'''Butcher''': Smooth. I'd shake your hand, but uh… Well, you know. :'''Gunpowder''': Well, I appreciate that. :'''Butcher''': Yeah, I followed you since your Payback days. I mean, fourteen years old, picked to be Soldier Boy's sidekick. :'''Gunpowder''': He was a great man. Well, it's nice meeting you, buddy. :'''Butcher''': You must've been chuffed, eh? Helpin' him on those missions, lettin' him watch you on the bog, stick his finger up your bum a bit, give him a sloppy little nosh. All in a day's work for a young ward, innit? :'''Gunpowder''': Like I haven't heard that sidekick pedo shit a thousand times before. Why don't you do me a big favor, buddy, and fuck off! :'''Butcher''': You're right. I'm sorry. That's a filthy unsubstantiated rumour. :'''Gunpowder''': Goddamn right it is. :'''Butcher''': ''[holds up paper]'' Till now. This is a complaint you filed to Vought, beggin' to be taken off Payback on account of, and I quote, "Soldier Boy's habitual abuse". Of course, they buried it–Vought bein' the cunts they are. :'''Gunpowder''': That right there is a fake. :'''Butcher''': Course it is. :'''Gunpowder''': I'm sorry, who are you? :'''Butcher''': I told you. Biggest fan. And I wanna help ya. Keep shtum. It'd be a cryin' shame if your red-meat faithful out there found out you were Soldier Boy's underage nob-gobbler. Now, all I wanna know is what happened to him, and you're gonna tell me. :'''Gunpowder''': Or maybe I put a bullet in your head. :'''Butcher''': You do that, and it'll be all over the interweb within an hour. :'''Gunpowder''': See, buddy, I don't give a shit. 'Cause that never happened. Soldier Boy never touched me like that! <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander arrives to save a woman named Chelsea from jumping off the edge of a building]'' :'''Homelander''': Hi, Chelsea. It's your lucky day. Well, considering you're my annual birthday save. :'''Chelsea''': Don't come any closer. :'''Homelander''': Life is a precious gift. To throw yours away would be a real slap in the Lord's face, don't you think? You don't wanna go to Hell for all eternity, do you? :'''Chelsea''': I'm Jewish. :'''Homelander''': Alright. Well, regardless, just step back from the ledge, please. :''[Ashley is giving direction to the camera crew on the street below them]'' :'''Ashley''': Okay, that's good. Just don't be afraid of the zoom. You're not Roger Deakins. Mike, frame up. He could be flying down any second. :'''Mike''': Yep. You got it. :'''Ashley''': ''[checks an alert on her phone and looks up]'' Oh, fuck! :'''Homelander''': Come on, look. I'm here now. If you jump, I'm just gonna fly down and save you anyway. It's all futile and... :''[Homelander notices a breaking news story about Stormfront's suicide on a billboard]'' :'''Homelander''': She–She wouldn't… It's my... It's my birthday. She... ''[beat; to Chelsea]'' You probably don't know this–because, you know, Jew–but Jesus wasn't born on the 25th of December. [[w:Yule|That was piggybacked off a pagan festival]], and guess what? Today is not my birthday either. Nope. Don't know when it is, but sure as hell ain't today. This was just chosen for me by a marketing department. I mean, I can't even have a birthday at all. I wasn't born. I was just poured out of a fucking test tube. Immaculate conception. I know exactly how he must have felt. Jesus. You give and you give… ''[stutters]'' You give your whole ''fucking'' life, and what happens? People just tear you down. Why do people destroy their gods? How is it fair that you get saved while a beautiful, perfect god gets killed? ''[beat]'' You know what, Chelsea? ''[pause]'' I think you ''should'' jump. :'''Chelsea''': I–I don't think I want to. :'''Homelander''': You don't want to? Why don't you show a little follow-through, Chelsea? Jump. :'''Chelsea''': Please, I... I just wanna get down. :'''Homelander''': I'm not suggesting anymore. '''Jump.''' :'''Chelsea''': No. No, please. Oh, God… Oh, God! :'''Homelander''': No, no, no. No God. The only man in the sky ''is '''me'''''. ''[his eyes light up]'' :'''Ashley''': How the fuck did she bite off her own tongue? Stormfront [[w:Million Dollar Baby|Million Dollar Babied]] herself. It was horrible. :''[Chelsea leaps from the building and lands on the ground in a sickening splat. Homelander looks down disheartened.]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Neuman''': Who's Nadia? :'''Hughie''': Nadia? :'''Neuman''': Yeah, Scotty said some guy came in yesterday, asking for Nadia. :'''Hughie''': Yeah. Yeah, no, there was–there was a guy, and he... he was looking at your picture, he said your name was Nadia. Said he knew you… from, like, way back when. :'''Neuman''': You weren't gonna tell me? :'''Hughie''': Uh, no. I mean, it was just some guy off his meds, seemed like. Yeah. :'''Neuman''': I'm sorry. I–I mean, you're missing work, your hand. A lot going on. Is there something I should know? :''[Annie suddenly shows up to cover for Hughie]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': He was with me. I'm sorry for stealing him away from you, but… we had some things that we needed to discuss. Very loudly, actually. We made quite the scene at Panera. :'''Hughie''': Oh. :'''Annie/Starlight''': I mean, it's a miracle nobody recognized me. :'''Hughie''': Yeah, sorry. I was–I was trying to preserve just a tiny, little shred of my dignity, but uh… we had a fight. :'''Annie/Starlight''': We didn't leave things in the greatest place, so I thought I would come by and… :'''Hughie''': Check up on me? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Well, I was worried about you. :'''Hughie''': Yeah, well, you know I can handle some things by myself, right? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Okay, I'm just trying to help. :'''Hughie''': I don't always need your help. I mean, you don't have to treat me like I'm a kid. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Here I was thinking that I was treating you like my boyfriend. :'''Hughie''': Well, you– :'''Neuman''': You know, this is actually none of my business, so I'm just–I'm gonna go. Good luck with all of that. Oh, and Hughie? :'''Hughie''': Yeah? :'''Neuman''': Cut her some slack. You shouldn't be afraid of a powerful woman. <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': Butcher? :'''Butcher''': You alright, mate? :'''Hughie''': Hey, um… Frenchie told me about Crimson Countess. What the hell happened? :'''Butcher''': We was chasin' down something, but… I–I'm gonna knock it on the head. You was right the other day. Things are good. Ryan's good. I should leave it well enough alone before I go and fuck it all up. ''[pause; Hughie is silent]'' You there? :'''Hughie''': Neuman's a Supe. :'''Butcher''': Yeah, what? :'''Hughie''': Yeah, she's pretty much Stan Edgar's daughter, too. Past year of my life has been a waste. I thought we could fight Vought the right way, but we can't. It's all rigged. If we're gonna take them down, we have to do whatever it takes. We have to do it your way. <hr width='50%'> :''[A-Train walks out on stage to present the next segment of Homelander's televised birthday special. He is wearing a completely new supersuit]'' :'''Ashley''': What the fuck is he wearing?! :'''Announcer''': Yeah, alright. Let's hear it for Supersonic, everybody. :'''Ashley''': Get me fucking wardrobe! Get me fucking wardrobe so I can fucking choke them out! :'''A-Train''': Alright, so now, I would like to bring out our co-captains. So let's give it up for Starlight and the man of the hour himself, Homelander! Happy birthday, Homelander. :'''Homelander''': Hey, thank you. :'''A-Train''': Yeah. :'''Homelander''': ''[muffled by the cheers while feigning his smile]'' I can see your girdle, you disgusting fat fuck! Get off the fucking stage! :'''Annie/Starlight''': Wow, I'm so honored to be with you guys tonight to celebrate my dear friend and mentor, Homelander. I'm here to do more than wish you a happy birthday, though. I'm thrilled to be announcing a project that is near and dear to my heart. The Starlight House is a nonprofit foundation dedicated to helping homeless and at-risk youth. :'''Audience Heckler''': Hey, Homelander! Your Nazi died! :'''Ashley''': Did he just say his Nazi died? :'''Security''': ''[to audience heckler, grabbing him by shoulders]'' Let's go. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Homelander… He's just–He's a human. He's just like the rest of us. And we all make mistakes, right? But we all deserve second chances. In that spirit, Homelander has agreed to donate $10 million to the Starlight House, which is–I mean… :'''Homelander''': No! :'''Annie/Starlight''': Give–Come on. Give it up! :'''Homelander''': No! :'''Annie/Starlight''': Give it up for this guy! :'''Homelander''': No, no, no! Starlight lied to you just now. She did. I don't make mistakes! I'm not "just like the rest of you"! I'm stronger, I'm smarter, I… I'm better! I '''AM''' BETTER! I'm not some ''weak-kneed'' fucking crybaby that goes around fucking ''apologizing'' all the time! And why the ''fuck'' would you want me to be?! :'''Ashley''': Quick, Roger! Stop rolling, go to fucking commercial! Go to fucking commercial! :'''Homelander''': ''[pointing to an offscreen camera operator]'' Don't you DARE stop rolling, Roger! All my life, people have tried to control me my whole life. Rich people–powerful people–tried to muzzle me, cancel me, keep me impotent and obedient like I'm a fucking puppet! And you know what, it worked. Because I ''allowed'' it to work, and guess what? If they can control me, then you can ''bet your ass'' they can control you! They already do. You just don't realize it. ''[pause]'' I'm done. I am done apologizing, I am done being persecuted for my strength. You people should be ''thanking Christ'' that I am who and what I am, BECAUSE YOU NEED ME! '''YOU NEED ME TO SAVE YOU!''' You do. I am the ''only'' one who ''possibly'' can. You're not the real heroes. ''I'm the real hero.'' ''[beat]'' '''''I am the real hero.''''' ===''"Barbary Coast"'' [3.03]=== :''[Hughie is surprised to see M.M. setting up his desk in the Boys' Flatiron Building office]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': The prodigal son returns. :'''Hughie''': What the fuck? Hey, man. ''[laughs as M.M. hugs him]'' Yeah… Wait. Wait, are you… Are you back? :'''Mother's Milk''': We'll see. :'''Hughie''': Don't get me wrong. I'm happy, but are–are you sure? :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[sees the bloody bandage on Hughie's hand]'' What the fuck happened here, kid? You jacking off with razors again? :'''Hughie''': You know, you should see the other guy. The other guy's my penis. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[laughs]'' I missed you, kid. :'''Hughie''': I missed you, too, man. ''[pause; notices Butcher staring at him and sighs]'' Look, I know what you're gonna say, and I just– :'''Butcher''': No. No, mate. I'm just chuffed to have all the Boys back under the same roof, alright? :'''Hughie''': Really? :'''Butcher''': Yeah. ''[to Frenchie and M.M.]'' I mean, there he was, right? In his fancy pants, lordin' it over us like the viceroy of Vought Square, eh? And that whole time, he weren't nothin' but a Supe's bootlick. :'''Hughie''': Yeah. :'''Butcher''': That, my son, is a Lifetime Achievement at the Cunt of the Year Awards, innit? :'''Hughie''': Yeah, it is. It is a Lifetime Achievement. ''[Butcher laughs]'' Are you done? :'''Butcher''': No, mate. I am just gettin' started, believe you me. :'''Hughie''': Great. Listen, we need to get Ryan somewhere safe. Vicky knows where she is because we fucking told her, which means Stan Edgar knows, too. :'''Butcher''': Yeah, one step ahead. Colonel's already done a runner with the boy. They're well outta sight. In fact, we were gonna pay 'em a little visit. :'''Mother's Milk''': We are? :'''Frenchie''': Monsieur Charcutier, I cannot go. I have a matter of great importance. :'''Butcher''': Oh, I'm sorry. I must've forgot to run it by your bleedin' secretary! :'''Frenchie''': It's an emergency! :'''Hughie''': I–I'll go instead. :'''Butcher''': Nah, you skive off today, and that congresswoman might split your pretty little buns. :'''Hughie''': Yeah, thought of that. Uh, Kimiko. ''[pause; Kimiko removes her headphones]'' Kimiko, hi. Can you please… break my arm? Vicky will smell it if I fake being sick, so it's gotta be real, and it's gotta last for days. :'''Butcher''': ''[laughing]'' Fuckin' hell, Hughie! :'''Frenchie''': At least take something for the pain. I got opium. ''[tosses prescription bottle to Hughie]'' :'''Hughie''': Government employees can't fail a piss test. ''[tosses prescription bottle back to Frenchie; to Kimiko]'' Let's just get this over with, okay? Just do it pretty fast. :''[Kimiko takes Hughie's left arm and prepares to twist it]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Hold on. Hold up, hold up. Have a seat, please. Only been here three minutes, and it's already The Bold and the Batshit. ''[puts garbage bag on Hughie's lap]'' Alright, go ahead. :''[Kimiko places one hand on Hughie's shoulder and the other near his wrist]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Nah, nah, nah! ''[points at Hughie's forearm]'' Right here. Clean break, no permanent damage. :'''Hughie''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Yeah? ''[pause; Kimiko nods]'' One, two– :''[Kimiko snaps Hughie's arm, making him scream in pain. Butcher calmly watches while drinking his tea.]'' :'''Hughie''': WHAT THE SHIT?! <hr width='50%'> :'''Mallory''': Neuman's head of the Bureau because I said so. I tried to save her from the attack on Congress that she fucking caused! :'''Hughie''': Well, at least you didn't spend the last year getting her oatmilk lattes and every piece of intel she asked for. :'''Mallory''': ''[to Butcher]'' I would very much like to know the plan to eliminate her. :'''Butcher''': Well, that depends on what you can tell us about your little holiday down in Nicaragua. :'''Mallory''': ''[pause]'' I've never been to Nicaragua. :'''Butcher''': Really? 'Cause a little birdie told me you were Payback's case officer down there, on a classified job that Soldier Boy never come back from. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[pause; Mallory scoffs]'' Colonel? :'''Mallory''': Whatever it is William thinks he may have heard… he's mistaken. :'''Butcher''': Is he? You know that safe you got in your home office? The one behind the picture of [[w:George H. W. Bush|Bush number one]]? Well, I borrowed a ledger from it–the one with all your assets around the world. How long do you think them and their families will last when I put every one of their fuckin' names on Facebook? :'''Mallory''': You'd sign the death warrants of dozens of innocent people who had nothing to do with this? :'''Butcher''': I'm embarrassed for the both of us that you're askin'. :'''Mallory''': ''[pause]'' Nicaragua's ancient history. Not to mention, I could be killed just for telling you. :'''Butcher''': And all your agents will get killed if you don't. ''[pulls out chair and sits down]'' Blimey. What a pickle. :'''Mallory''': ''[beat]'' It was part of Operation Charly. :'''Hughie''': Operation… Charly? :'''Mallory''': Reagan's pet project, off the books. Helped the Contra rebels fight the Russian-backed [[w:Sandinista National Liberation Front|Sandinistas]], but we needed a way to pay for it. Some of the cash came from selling arms to Iran. Oliver North's epic fuck-up. But the rest? If there's one thing that the Contras had plenty of, it was cocaine. I was in charge of trafficking the coke into the U.S. and then using the profits to buy more weapons in the fight against the Reds. Whatever it took. :'''Mother's Milk''': That's some self-justifying bullshit. Were you part of that other thing, too? :'''Hughie''': What other thing? :'''Mother's Milk''': She knows. ''[to Mallory]'' Tell him. :'''Mallory''': The unwritten policy was to sell the cocaine strictly to minority neighborhoods–destabilize, demoralize–while staying out of white ones. Late in '84, we were gearing up for a major offensive. So the higher-ups, in their infinite wisdom, decided it was the perfect time to throw a wrench in the works: Fucking Payback. Each more ridiculous than the next: Crimson Countess, Mindstorm, Swatto, the TNT Twins, Noir, Gunpowder, and the most idiotic of them all… <hr width='50%'> :'''Butcher''': You came to me after Becca disappeared and promised me Homelander's head. And all this time, you knew there was something that could do the job, and you never said a fuckin' word! :'''Mallory''': Whatever this weapon is, it probably won't work on Homelander. :'''Butcher''': And what if it does?! :'''Mallory''': Even worse. Because it wouldn't end with him. You'd go after another Supe, then another, then all of them. :'''Butcher''': If you'd have told me about this sooner, Homelander might already be dead! Ryan wouldn't be runnin' from one safe house to the next, wonderin' when his nutter dad's gonna drop outta the sky! And Becca… Becca might still be alive. And for that… I'll never fuckin' forgive ya. :'''Mallory''': This was never about Ryan or Becca. It was always selfish. Always and only for you. For the hate inside that you want to let loose on the world. I thought maybe you changed, but I was wrong. You ''are'' your father. Always have been. <hr width='50%'> :'''Homelander''': ''[to Annie]'' Ashley tells me that you chose Silver Kinca… Kincaid. :'''Ashley''': ''[nods]'' Mm-hmm. :'''Homelander''': I have notes. I mean, I'm a co-captain. It's only fair I have a say in the new recruits, right? :'''Annie/Starlight''': No. Actually, I choose the new members. :'''Homelander''': But I am pitching the craziest twist. The audience will never see it coming, right? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Well, I've made my decision. :'''Homelander''': Oh, come on! You haven't even heard it yet! Seriously, you're–you're gonna love it. Ready? :''[Ashley opens the doors and reveals…]'' :'''Homelander''': Return of the Deep! :'''The Deep''': Hey. What's up, guys? How are you? :''[Annie is visibly upset at seeing the Deep and his wife, Cassandra at the door]'' :'''Homelander''': No, no, no, no, no. Starlight, before you say anything, doesn't Christ tell us to turn the other cheek? :'''Cassandra''': ''[hugs Annie]'' I really want us to be sisters. :'''The Deep''': I had something made for you, Starlight. It's a peace offering. ''[opens a jeweler box with a gold dolphin necklace inside]'' It's 24-karat gold with certified conflict-free diamonds. I've put in the work. And I realize that when you've made an unforgivable mistake, the first person you have to forgive… is yourself. :'''Annie/Starlight''': What makes you think that I want a daily reminder of the guy who fucking mouth-raped me?! ''[to Homelander]'' I need a word. :'''Ashley''': Let's let these two chat, shall we? :''[Ashley leads The Deep and Cassandra out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[to Homelander]'' Absolutely not. :'''Homelander''': Do you really think I'm gonna let a fucking Muslim in The Seven? Captain Al-Qaeda? We're ''Americans.'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': I'm taking this to Mr. Edgar. :'''Homelander''': My speech last night? Thirty-eight-point-six rating and a 59 share. Oh, and they're saying that the live-plus-threes are gonna be even bigger. Edgar said it himself: Popularity is power. He won't die on this hill. :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[pause]'' Do I need to remind you of the Flight video? :''[Homelander scoffs, gets up and closes the door shut]'' :'''Homelander''': Go ahead. Release it. Let's light this candle, huh? I mean, sure, I'll lose everything, but then… I'll have nothing to lose. First, I'll take out the nerve centers: White House, Pentagon. Then, any domestic defense capabilities, and then critical infrastructure like cellular, Internet–that kind of thing. And then… Well, I think then I'll just wipe New York off the fucking map. For fun. I'll even throw in Des Moines and that little cousin-fucker hick town that Maeve's from, 'cause why not? See, Starlight, I'd prefer to be loved. I would. But if you take that away from me… Well, being feared is A-one okey-doke by me. So… go ahead, partner. Do it. ''[pause; Annie doesn't say anything]'' No? You don't wanna to do it? Well, then I would have to say that you have absolutely no fucking leverage ''because I am '''the Homelander'''''… and I really can do whatever the fuck I want. <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': Hey, Annie. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Homelander's had a breakdown. He's lost his fucking mind. :'''Hughie''': Hey, hey, hey. Hey, slow down. Slow down. What? :'''Annie/Starlight''': He's bringing the Deep back into The Seven, so I brought up the video, and he said to go ahead and release it. You were right. Co-captain was a bad idea. I have to leave. :'''Hughie''': Look, I–I know I should tell you to run out of there like a house on fire, and I want to… ''[sighs]'' but you gotta stick it out. :'''Annie/Starlight''': I'm sorry? :'''Hughie''': Listen, I'm–I'm back with Butcher. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Why? :'''Hughie''': We're onto something that could kill Homelander. :'''Annie/Starlight''': What? What is it? :'''Hughie''': Some kind of weapon. Uh… I'm not sure, but you gotta buy us some time. Keep your eyes on him. :'''Annie/Starlight''': How much time? :'''Hughie''': Uh… :'''Annie/Starlight''': You don't know. So for God knows how long, I have to paste on a smile with Homelander growing more unstable by the hour, hoping that he doesn't kill me or worse. :'''Hughie''': If that's what it takes, then yeah. ''[pause; sighs]'' I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just… Homelander and Vicky, they–they're running laps around us because… because we keep trying to do it the right way. The high road just doesn't work. We–We have to be as mean and fucked-up as they are. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Now you sound like… :'''Hughie''': Like Butcher, I know. But Annie, he's... he's right. He's been right all along. I'm just so… tired of losing. :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[sighs]'' Okay. You better pull this off, Hughie, but… okay. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander and Annie are filming the finale of their Vought reality show]'' :'''Homelander''': Well, this has been quite a long road for all of you. You've shown us the best of what heroes can be. :'''Annie/Starlight''': The first of the two selections, and the newest member of The Seven is… Supersonic. :''[Supersonic walks up to the centerstage and hugs Annie]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[shakes Supersonic's hand]'' Welcome. :'''Supersonic''': Thank you, sir. :'''Homelander''': ''[in Spanish]'' My friend, the honor is all mine, brother. ''[chuckles; Supersonic is weirded out]'' Well... this is it. The final new member of The Seven is… ''[beat]'' Lord of the Seven Seas, The Deep! :''[A spotlight shines on The Deep, who is standing behind them, far away from the stage. The other two female Supe finalists, Silver Kincaid and Moonshadow look disgusted and distraught.]'' :'''Homelander''': Get up here, you! :'''The Deep''': Alright! :'''Homelander''': Welcome back. :'''The Deep''': Good to see you. :'''Homelander''': You, too. :'''The Deep''': ''[to Supersonic]'' Congratulations, bro. :'''Supersonic''': You, too. :'''Homelander''': Alright. ''[to Silver Kincaid and Moonshadow]'' Well, unfortunately, it won't be either of you two. I'm sure you understand, you just can't put a price on experience. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Please hang up your capes and go. :'''Homelander''': Now Deep, I gotta say, I am… Well, frankly, I'm moved and inspired that Starlight here has chosen to forgive you. :'''Annie/Starlight''': I accept your apology, Deep. You deserve a second chance. :'''The Deep''': Thank you, Starlight. Looks like we've all grown. :'''Homelander''': Just to be clear, it wasn't my idea to bring you back, buster. Not at all. Starlight here insisted on it. But you keep your distance, pal, because… Well… ''[laughs]'' she's my girl now. :''[Annie laughs uncomfortably as Homelander wraps his arm around her]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[chuckles softly]'' Sorry, I–I can't keep it a secret anymore. It's time we let the world know. Starlight and I are in love. #HomeLight. ===''"Glorious Five Year Plan"'' [3.04]=== :''[Hughie closes his laptop after seeing the Homelight clip]'' :'''Hughie''': When's it air? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Tonight. :'''Hughie''': #Homelight. You agreed to this? :'''Annie/Starlight''': It's like what you said, Hughie. Whatever it takes. This is… This is what it takes. :'''Hughie''': ''[pause]'' Hey… ''[takes Annie's hand]'' it's gonna be okay. Really. Let me save you for once. :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[sighs]'' Hughie… This has to work. :'''Hughie''': It'll work. :'''Homelander''': ''[enters common room]'' What'll work? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Uh, my VoughtSonic speaker setup. I'm sorry, how did you get in? :'''Homelander''': I have a key. ''[pause]'' Yeah, I gotta keep an eye on my best girl, right? By the way, you're a sound sleeper, Starlight. ''[pause; Annie and Hughie look shocked]'' Oh, look at you two. I'm kidding. Come on, lighten up. I'm joking! But we gotta go. Running late. ''[to Hughie]'' Rolling Stone cover shoot, hot issue. We got "Hottest Ship." :''[Homelander takes out a Sharpie pen and signs an autograph with it on Hughie's cast]'' :'''Homelander''': Don't you worry, Hughie. This little love affair is strictly for the cameras. Although, that's how me and Maeve started out, and that… ''[inhales sharply]'' got quite spicy. ''[laughs]'' Yeah, I'm not kidding, man. Let's just say that Maeve [[w:Fellatio|can bend a steel pipe without using her hands]]. ''[pause; chuckles]'' What's she like? She a good fuck? :''[Annie's eyes start glowing and Hughie gradually inches up towards Homelander]'' :'''Homelander''': Whoa. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Touch him or anyone he cares about, and I'll walk. And I'll take my approval points with me. :'''Homelander''': ''[whispers to Hughie]'' Women. ''[to Annie]'' I'm kidding. You really need to lighten up, guys. <hr width='50%'> :'''Ashley''': Victoria Neuman is doing a press conference tonight. :'''Homelander''': So? :'''Ashley''': It's about you. :'''Homelander''': …And you're just finding out about it now? :'''Ashley''': I'm sure it's a nothing burger. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Homelander''': Hey, come here for a sec. ''[Ashley approaches him]'' Is your idiot brain getting fucked by stupid? It's not rhetorical. Answer me. :'''Ashley''': No. My idiot brain is not getting fucked by stupid, sir. :'''Homelander''': ''[scoffs]'' Well, then go and do your only job and find out what the ''fuck'' is going on, Ashley! <hr width='50%'> :'''A-Train''': Who asked you? Back there. Who the fuck asked you for your opinion? :'''The Deep''': ''[offended]'' I am a member of this team. :'''A-Train''': Please. ''[pause; looks around]'' Homelander's a great man, ''[lowers his voice]'' but the way that you kiss his ass is fuckin' gross. :'''The Deep''': Hey, man. Look, I get it, okay? This is tough. You know, me handpicked by Homelander to come back, and you on your way out again. And a rebrand? This late in the game? Ouch. The new A-Train… How'd that work out for Eagle the Archer when he became Eagle the Rapper? Oh, that's right; it fucking didn't. It's just sad, man. :'''A-Train''': You're like [[w:Ashton Kutcher|Ashton Kutcher]] fucked a clownfish. You're a joke. And you're so dumb, you don't even know it. :'''The Deep''': ''[gets in A-Train's face and whispers angrily in his ear]'' Oh, yeah? Well, how about I tell Homelander who really leaked all that Nazi shit on Stormfront? :'''A-Train''': How about I tell him you fished the Flight 37 video out of the Atlantic and gave it to Maeve? :'''The Deep''': ''[shoves A-Train]'' What, come on! Run at me, bro! I forgot your legs don't fuckin' work! :''[A-Train punches him hard in the chest]'' :'''The Deep''': ''[doubled over in pain]'' You gill-punched me! :'''A-Train''': Yeah! :'''The Deep''': Motherfucker! :''[The Deep tackles A-Train into the wall, but both collapse to the ground, groaning in pain. Homelander walks up to them]'' :'''Homelander''': Boys, boys, boys… :''[Homelander helps The Deep stand back up and pats him on the back, then looks down at A-Train still hunched on the ground]'' :'''Homelander''': [[w:racism|A-Train… just stay there and rest those useless fuckin' legs]]. <hr width='50%'> :'''Mother's Milk''': Butcher, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? :'''Butcher''': I'm sure you're gonna tell me. :'''Mother's Milk''': That shit you pulled with Ryan and now this cold-hearted shit you said to Kimiko? How could anybody be such a ''complete'' asshole? :'''Butcher''': Practice. :'''Mother's Milk''': You knocked on ''my'' doorstep, motherfucker. Now, I respect the chain of command, but this? I'm not gonna tolerate your bullshit anymore, man. :'''Butcher''': Do you remember when we met? :'''Mother's Milk''': Hard to forget. :'''Butcher''': Me and the colonel, we had our pick of officers. Some, uh… ''[chuckles softly]'' Some real haircuts. D'you ever wonder why we picked some grunt Marine stuck in the brig? :'''Mother's Milk''': Let's see. I knocked out my racist C.O. Sent him to the ICU with one punch, so you knew I was strong. And you read my file, so you knew I hated Vought. :'''Butcher''': Yeah, it weren't none of them. I mean, they didn't hurt, mind ya, but no. We spoke to the blokes that you went through basic with. And to the man, they said that you were the one that held that platoon together. A natural-born leader. :'''Mother's Milk''': You never told me that. :'''Butcher''': Mate, I'm under no illusions about who I am. And that's why we brought you in. 'Cause no matter how hard I gotta be… you're here to look after the Boys. Now, if I thought to do that, I can't be a complete arsehole, can I? Just mostly one. <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie enters the bathroom just as Butcher is about to inject himself with V24]'' :'''Hughie''': Butcher, can I uh… ''[Butcher breathes heavily]'' What are you doing? :'''Butcher''': Contingency. In case things go arse over tit at the lab. :'''Hughie''': ''[pause; closes the door]'' I wanna try some. :'''Butcher''': Don't be daft. This shit is poison, Hughie. A lad like you don't want no part of it. :'''Hughie''': What, you mean like a loser? A fuck-up? :'''Butcher''': Sooner or later, Homelander will find Ryan, okay? It's just a matter of time. I have to do this, alright? You don't. :'''Hughie''': Annie's in just as much danger. Homelander almost lasered me in half in front of her, and it was like... it was like I was back with every bully that I ever had, just taking it. And then she had to save me ''again!'' Butcher, please. Please. Please… because right now, I am so angry that I can't even ''breathe.'' :'''Butcher''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, Hughie… It's shittier. It's not power; it's punishment. You don't deserve none of it. :'''Hughie''': What, and you do? :'''Butcher''': Get ready to go. ''[closes the door on Hughie]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Edgar''': You do have a hell of a view from up here. I'll give you that. :'''Homelander''': You should see it from space. ''[pause; stares at Edgar]'' Unbelievable. 80 over 60. Your entire life is imploding and it's as if you're reading fuckin' John Grisham. I heard about your, uh, temporary leaves of absence by the way. Those things do have a ''nasty'' habit of becoming permanent, though, don't they? Don't blame Vicky, either– :'''Edgar''': I don't. If there's one thing I taught her, it was to play all sides. She's more like me than I ever imagined. But I am curious. What did you give her? :'''Homelander''': A little respect, Stan. Something you should've given me. :'''Edgar''': What good would that do? Where would it even go but to the bottomless, gaping pit of insecurity you call a soul? :'''Homelander''': ''[shudders playfully; laughs]'' Oh, God. You wanna know something? I used to be intimidated by you. I did. And now I look at you, I'm just… I–I have no idea why. Truly, you're not even pathetic. You're–You're just... nothing. :'''Edgar''': Then why are you still here, looking for my approval like I'm your daddy? And even if I were, what would there be to approve of? The company is yours. No one left to stand up to you. But I think you'll come to sorely regret that. :'''Homelander''': And why is that? :'''Edgar''': Because there's no one left to cover for you either. Eventually–probably soon–the world will recognize you for the pitiful disappointment you are. You are not worthy of my respect. You are not a god. You are simply bad product. <hr width='50%'> :'''Soldier Boy''': I'm fucking with you. Get over yourself. You really think my grandmother's gonna let me marry the whitest girl in all of white? <hr width='50%'> :'''Homelander''': I have a view I really wanna show you. It's gonna blow your mind. Hold on tight. :''[Homelander carries Annie and they fly up to the rooftop of the building they walked out of]'' :'''Homelander''': This really is a beautiful city. :'''Annie/Starlight''': You know, you don't need to do this. The cameras are gone. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. But, see, that's the thing about me, Starlight. If I promise something, I deliver. ''[turns Annie around and points at something offscreen]'' Now, ''that'' is the view of a lifetime. :''[Annie is horrified to see the brutally beaten corpse of Supersonic]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': Alex… Alex! Oh, my God! You fucking psycho! ''[her eyes start glowing]'' :'''Homelander''': Stop it! You know how that ends. ''[brief pause; Annie's eyes return to normal]'' And besides, this is your fault as much as it is mine. :'''Annie/Starlight''': What? :'''Homelander''': A-Train told me about you two mutineers and your little plot. You just don't get it, do you? I mean, you have no fucking grasp of the situation you're in at all, right? I'm gonna break it down one more time, and I'm gonna make it crystal clear so that even you can understand it, okay? There will be no more plotting, planning, playing around. That is over, okay? From here on out, there is only my dutiful, loving main squeeze Starlight, worshipping me and me alone. Because if you step one inch out of line–I mean, if you so much as fucking blink the wrong way–then ''[points at Supersonic's corpse]'' that, my love, will be Hughie. Do you understand this time? ''[pause; Annie just nods and cries]'' Good. Then, say it. So I know. "That'll be Hughie." :'''Annie/Starlight''': That'll be Hughie. :'''Homelander''': There it is. ''[sighs]'' Find your own way home. ===''"The Last Time to Look on This World of Lies"'' [3.05]=== :''[The Boys take shelter after Kimiko is incapacitated from losing her powers to Soldier Boy]'' :'''Butcher''': ''[to M.M.]'' Listen, mate, we can't hang about here lookin' for him, right? He's Ivan's problem now. We gotta get Kimiko home to a proper doctor. :'''Mother's Milk''': You don't give a shit about Kimiko. Or anyone else. :'''Butcher''': Oh, come off it, mate. Look, I took a fuckin' drug. And in case you forgot, I just saved your life. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[pause]'' You killed Gunpowder, didn't you? Did you use your little laser eyes? :'''Butcher''': You're too fuckin' right, I did. And it felt good. For once, I leveled the fuckin' playing field. :'''Mother's Milk''': Butcher, the whole point of what we do–''the whole goddamn point''–is that no one should have that kind of power. :'''Butcher''': Well, ain't that just fuckin' fairies and dancin' dildos, eh? I happen to live right down here, mate. On planet Earth. <hr width='50%'> :''[Annie, who is grieving for Supersonic, arrives at her and Hughie's apartment]'' :'''Hughie''': Hey, come here. Come here. ''[hugs Annie]'' I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. :'''Annie/Starlight''': I shouldn't be here. It's not safe for you. :'''Hughie''': I don't care. It's okay. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Hughie, Homelander killed Alex. He fucking murdered him, and it's all my fault. :'''Hughie''': Hey… It is not your fault. Come here, come here. Come here. ''[takes Annie to the kitchen]'' We got Charleston Chew. We got Almond Joy, Bit-O-Honey. There's [[w:White Claw Hard Seltzer|White Claws]] in the fridge. Some of that gross lavender bath bomb shit in the tub. Look, I know this doesn't make this any better, but I just… Let me take care of you for a second. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Tell me you found it. :'''Hughie''': ''[sighs]'' Moscow was a dead end. I'm sorry. :'''Annie/Starlight''': No weapon or gun or anything? ''[pause]'' Fuck. Then what killed Soldier Boy? :'''Hughie''': You know what? I'm gonna get you a White Claw. :''[Annie notices that Hughie is no longer wearing his arm cast]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': Uh, Hughie? Your arm is broken. Where the hell is your cast? :'''Hughie''': You're ''really'' gonna want a White Claw. :''[Cut to Annie sitting in their kitchen opening a third White Claw right after finishing two]'' :'''Hughie''': Wow. Alright. Gonna have another one. Um... I'm just trying to get a bead on what part you're most upset about. Is it the part where Soldier Boy's loose in Russia, or the part where I took some temporary Compound V? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Um… it could be both parts. Uh, all the parts. :'''Hughie''': I told you right away, though, right? That's–That's... No secrets. That's gotta be worth some points. :'''Annie/Starlight''': You want points for not lying to me? :'''Hughie''': I... would like to retract that statement. Um– :'''Annie/Starlight''': Hughie, you shot up an untested drug from Vought. You could've gotten yourself killed! :'''Hughie''': We don't have any more. And even if we did, I–I wouldn't take it. It was awful. Like, ''[groans]'' the hangover–all of it–just… absolutely hated it. ''[sighs]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': …You loved it. :'''Hughie''': I really fucking loved it! It was awesome! I mean, you know me. If a guy in the car next to me gives me a dirty look, I'm like fucking Dom Torreto taking off, trying to get away from him. 'Cause I'm quick and I'm all about family. But in Russia… ''[chuckles]'' I wasn't scared. I–I... I saved M.M. Me! I could, like, teleport. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Teleport? :'''Hughie''': Yeah, I... I just–I knew how to do it. I just clenched my butt, and–and I jumped, and– :'''Annie/Starlight''': No. Hughie, that was stupid and dangerous. I can't lose you, too. :'''Hughie''': Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right. ''[sighs again]'' It's over. :'''Annie/Starlight''': So… what do we do now? :'''Hughie''': I don't know. But whatever it is, we'll figure it out together. You and me against the world, right? I love you. :'''Annie/Starlight''': I love you, too. <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher and Queen Maeve get drunk during their meet-up]'' :'''Butcher''': I done 'em all: Coke, E, meth, smack. ''[holds up V24 sample]'' Ain't nothing like this. Used to be months of leg work to take down a Supe. Gunpowder… not even a New York minute. :'''Queen Maeve''': Must've felt good. :'''Butcher''': I hated every second. ''[shakes his head]'' No. The V just made me more… me. With great power comes the absolute certainty that you'll turn into a right cunt. ''[sips from the bottle]'' I mean, that's the thing, right? You're all just people. All the V does is just amp up all that shit that's already inside. Your lot? Just a bunch of walkin' nuclear erections, y'know? And it's not just Homelander. I mean, you–you fuckin' all gotta go. Every fuckin' last… one of ya. :'''Queen Maeve''': Yeah. :''[Maeve drunkenly kisses Butcher. They simultaneously get up from the couch and stare at each other.]'' :'''Queen Maeve''': What? You still think you're too good for me? <hr width='50%'> :'''The Legend''': I swear on my kids' lives. :'''Butcher''': You hate your fucking kids. :'''The Legend''': So would you, if you met them. <hr width='50%'> :'''Homelander''': You think it really was Edgar and the mayor, maybe Jake Tapper? Just trying to fuck with me? Make me look ridiculous? :'''Queen Maeve''': Or maybe, you're just a paranoid malignant narcissist who thinks everything is about you. :'''Homelander''': ''[smiles slyly]'' Mmm, it's not paranoia if they're really out to get you, though. And you, Maeve... You're out to get me, aren't you? :'''Queen Maeve''': What are you talking about? :'''Homelander''': William Butcher. I can smell him all over you. You really will do anything to hurt me, won't you? So, what are you and William cooking up, hmm? Maybe you two brought that supervillain to town. :'''Queen Maeve''': Oh, John. John, come on! You're talking crazy. I'm not cooking anything up with Butcher. Let's talk about this. :'''Homelander''': Don't you dare fucking "John" me. You're not gonna weasel your way out of this. You know, the real tragic thing in all of this is that more than anyone, I knew what it was like for you. Swarmed everywhere we went. Every little mistake, front-page news. It is lonely at the top, yes. But at least we had each other. We were lonely together. And I loved you in my own... way. But you... what happened? Was anything about us ever real? Hmm? :'''Queen Maeve''': ''[beat; leans forward and whispers in his ear]'' From the start... I hated you. But what's more... I fucking pitied you. :'''Homelander''': You're completely and utterly alone. You're getting old and bitter. You pity me? ''[chuckles]'' That's actually kinda funny, don't you think? ''[leans into Maeve's face with a sinister smile]'' Hey… You wanna know something else that's funny? :''[Homelander looks over Maeve's shoulder and raises his eyebrows. When Maeve turns to look, Black Noir suddenly attacks her.]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Ashley''': ''[reads off card of gift flower basket]'' Congrats from Lindsey Graham. ''[to A-Train]'' [[w:perineum|He's such a gooch-licker]]. Anyway, I hope you know how much Homelander appreciates your loyalty. Now more than ever, he needs people he can trust. So, to thank you for being a team player, Homelander has agreed to a meeting with you and Blue Hawk. :'''A-Train''': Okay, great. Thanks. :'''Ashley''': Yeah. I'll just pop outside and get him. ''[walks over to door]'' :'''A-Train''': What? Like, right now? :'''Ashley''': ''[opens door]'' Hi. :'''Blue Hawk''': Hey. ''[walks in]'' :'''Ashley''': Thanks for coming on such short notice, Blue Hawk. :'''Blue Hawk''': Oh. ''[points and laughs heartily]'' A-Train, hey. Big fan. :'''A-Train''': Cool. Yeah. [''Blue Hawk sits''] Blue Hawk... Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about your patrols in [[w:Trenton, New Jersey|Trenton]]. Little excessive. :'''Blue Hawk''': Hmm? Says who? :'''A-Train''': Well, a lot of black folks. :'''Blue Hawk''': No. No. This has nothing to do with... [[w:African American|African Americans]]. You and me both trained with Coach Brink at school. We were taught to dominate totally. :'''A-Train''': Yeah, but you're mostly just doing it in–in black neighborhoods. And you don't want people to say that you're being racist, right? :'''Blue Hawk''': You know, it's actually racist to call somebody racist. What is this? Is this, like, a "cancel" thing? Am I being canceled? What can I do to make this right? :'''A-Train''': Wouldn't take much. ''[chuckles]'' I don't know. Make an apology or some shit. :'''Ashley''': What a great idea. Thank you for saying that. I'm sure Homelander would really, really appreciate that, Blue Hawk. :'''Blue Hawk''': Hey, name the time and place. :'''Ashley''': It is so important to do the work, to have the difficult conversations. This is so great, you guys. <hr width='50%'> :'''Soldier Boy''': You're that asshole from the lab. :'''Butcher''': That's right. I'm the arsehole that let you out. Russian Porta-Loos, eh? You want the Countess' head on a spike, don't ya? Well, she's in there. Yours for the takin'. Consider it a gesture of good faith. :'''Soldier Boy''': Good faith for what? :'''Butcher''': ''[pause]'' I was thinkin' that you and I could come to a little arrangement. What you lot call… a team-up. <hr width='50%'> :''[Soldier Boy enters the trailer of Crimson Countess, who is surprised to see him]'' :'''Crimson Countess''': Ben? Is that really you? You look so young. :'''Soldier Boy''': You don't. :'''Crimson Countess''': I'm so, so sorry. It wasn't my idea. God, you gotta believe me. I–I... :'''Soldier Boy''': How much did the Russians pay you? Hmm? :'''Crimson Countess''': They didn't. :'''Soldier Boy''': What? They didn't pay you anything? ''[pause]'' I loved you. All those years... that they burned me… and that they pumped me full of poison, I held onto the hope that you would come. That you would save me. Because I still loved you. :'''Crimson Countess''': I didn't love you. I hated you. We all did. ===''"Herogasm"'' [3.06]=== :'''Soldier Boy''': Where's the Chop Socky Oriental sauce? :'''Hughie''': They don't… have that anymore? :'''Soldier Boy''': Why the fuck not? :'''Hughie''': Many… many good reasons. :'''Soldier Boy''': Did you get the other shit? :'''Butcher''': Here you go, guv. :''[Butcher hands Soldier Boy a bottle of whiskey and some pills]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh… Man, I missed [[w:Amphetamine|bennies]]. It's how we won D-Day, you know? We were wired to the fucking gills. :'''Butcher''': ''[as Soldier Boy crushes the pills with a jack knife]'' Listen, let's have a little chat about this team-up, yeah? :'''Soldier Boy''': What the hell do I need a team for? The last one handed me to the Reds. :'''Butcher''': And we got you outta that pickle. We wrapped up Crimson Countess and delivered her like a fuckin' Christmas turkey, and I even sorted Gunpowder for ya. :'''Soldier Boy''': What, am I supposed to be impressed with that? That's like killing [[w:Emmanuel Lewis|Emmanuel Lewis]]. ''[laughs; snorts the crushed-up pills]'' :'''Butcher''': Yeah, well, he grew up a bit since you last saw him. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[to Hughie, who is staring at his shield]'' Hands off the fucking shield. :'''Butcher''': Anyway, you want payback on Payback, don't ya? Well, it just so happens that we are experts at exterminatin' shitbag Supes. You see, it's a whole different world out there now, son. We're here to help you find your way. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, I can find them on my own. :'''Hughie''': Are you sure? I mean, do you know what a GPS is? Or Bluetooth, or… ''[chuckles]'' the internet? :'''Soldier Boy''': … ''[smirks]'' You made those words up. :'''Hughie''': Nope. No, those are real words. And–And you need those to find them, alright? You need us. :'''Butcher''': Kid's right. All we ask in return is that you add one more name to the list. :'''Soldier Boy''': Who? :'''Butcher''': A right cunt named Homelander. :'''Soldier Boy''': I've seen pictures. Who is he? :'''Butcher''': He's the new you. :'''Soldier Boy''': No one's the new me, pal. ''[pause]'' But why him? :'''Butcher''': Let's just say, you're not the only one who wants payback. :'''Soldier Boy''': Alright. You help me find the rest of my team, and I'll help you with this Homelander. <hr width='50%'> :'''Mirror Homelander''': Why the long face, tiger? :'''Homelander''': What if I can't handle him? I mean... If Noir ran– :'''Mirror Homelander''': Oh, you can handle him. You're the top of the food chain! Hey, hey... when we were kids, alone in the Bad Room, I got us through it, right? Don't I always? :'''Homelander''': ''[nods]'' Always. :'''Mirror Homelander''': No matter what. :'''Homelander''': No matter what. : '''Mirror Homelander:''' And now, I'll get us through this, just as long as you and me stick together. :'''Homelander''': What if Edgar's right? What if it was a-- a mistake to take over Vought? And then... I am just talent, and they all know I'm a fraud? :'''Mirror Homelander''': Now, what do you care what a bunch of mud people think? C'mon. Tell me the real reason, I wanna hear you say it. ''[pause; Homelander hesitates]'' '''SAY IT!''' :'''Homelander''': I want them to... love me. :'''Mirror Homelander''': Yahtzee! Only it never seems to work out, does it? Madelyn, Maeve, Stormfront, even your own son. So why do you keep running headfirst into the same brick wall? :'''Homelander''': ''[looks down and shakes his head]'' I don't know. :'''Mirror Homelander''': Mmm, pants on fire! You know. It's because, deep down, there's a part of you that is still… ''human.'' :'''Homelander''': ''[on the verge of tears]'' No... :'''Mirror Homelander''': Mmm-hmm, part of you is. A ''dirty, shrivelled, anemic'' little part of you that still ''mewls'' for approval and love, and a ''mommy'' and a ''daddy'' and ''oh, '''boo-hoo-hoo!''''' :''[As Mirror Homelander says this, the real Homelander cries in shame]'' :'''Mirror Homelander''': Look at me, tiger. Look at me. We gotta cut that part of you out like a ''cancer''. And then? Well then, my boy, you can finally be who you were always ''meant'' to be: Pure. Clean. Like marble. <hr width='50%'> :''[Soldier Boy and Hughie are watching TV when a commercial for baby carriers comes on]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Do men really walk around like that? :'''Hughie''': Yeah. I mean, dads do. :'''Soldier Boy''': Okay, well... [[w:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]] is America's dad, and I'll tell you one thing: He wouldn't be caught dead in that pussy gear. :'''Hughie''': Lot to unpack there. Uh... :'''Soldier Boy''': The Cos... That's a real man. Holy shit, did he make some strong drinks. :'''Hughie''': ''[whispering quickly]'' Holy fucking shit. :'''Soldier Boy''': But seriously, what passes as a man today? Christ on a cross. I read that we were ass-up in Afghanistan. The fuck is up with that? Those were the good guys. I mean, when I left, it was… :'''Hughie''': Yeah, you know– :'''Soldier Boy''': I mean, goddammit. We–We were ten and one, you know? I lead the 116th onto [[w:Omaha Beach|Omaha Beach]]. I was in the fuckin' [[w:Kehlsteinhaus|Eagle's Nest]]! I fought for this country! I fought for this country, and what did I get for it? Forgotten. Left to rot by my own team. ''[beat; chuckles]'' You know, I wanted some rugrats of my own with Countess. Yeah, ain't that a bitch. You know, a couple little boys. Raise them up to be men. Now… Now I got nothing. <hr width='50%'> :'''Neuman''': Hey, so… where's Hughie? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Oh, he's just camping with his dad for a couple days. :'''Neuman''': ''[laughs]'' Okay. Okay, good. Great. I thought he was avoiding me or something, you know… 'cause he was scared I was gonna pop his head. :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[beat; swallows hard]'' Hmm? :'''Neuman''': Come on, Annie. ''[sees Annie's eyes glowing]'' Put them away. I'm not gonna hurt you or Hughie or your families. ''[Annie blinks and her eyes return to normal]'' Besides, you'd lose. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Then, why are you here? :'''Neuman''': Because I wanna help you. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Huh. "Help". From the psycho who blew up Congress. :'''Neuman''': Look, most of those guys passed around deepfakes of me on the House floor blowing bin Laden, so I'm not exactly overwhelmed with sympathy. Annie, you need me. You're all alone. I mean, come on. That "#Homelight" shit? That looks like you're in a hostage video. Blink twice if I'm wrong. And what, you gotta play nice with the guy that throat-fucked you on your first day of work? And Maeve? They say Maeve is in rehab, but you and I both know she's probably dead. I'm all you got. Come on, Annie. You and I were friends. None of that has changed for me. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Are you ever gonna get to the point? :'''Neuman''': You have 193 million Instagram followers. Lend me your influence, and I'll lend you mine. I can protect you from Homelander. You'll finally be team captain for real. And in return, you help me goose my numbers. I can finally get my education reform bill passed. We can make things better, Annie. For my daughter. For a lot of daughters. Come on, what do you say? :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[pause]'' You're right. This whole place… I'm so fucking tired… of listening to people tell me I need to be shitty in order to win. Fuck you. And fuck Homelander, and fuck Vought and this "whatever it takes" crap. You're just gonna end up sitting on top of the steaming pile of shit that you built. I'm done. I'm fucking done. I'm not doing it anymore. :'''Neuman''': You're not gonna be doing anything if Homelander kills you. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Yeah, maybe. But then I'll know I'm not working with a fucking nutjob. So, either pop my head or get the hell out. :'''Neuman''': ''[beat; gets up]'' Hey, keep this between us. It'd be really tough to take out America's sweetheart, but not impossible. :''[Annie realizes her nose is bleeding once Neuman leaves]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': Oh, okay. So, this–this is an actual orgy. That's what this is. :'''Butcher''': Fuckin' Herogasm. Still a thing, eh? :'''Soldier Boy''': It's my thing. I founded it in '52. Me and this other Supe, Liberty. Man, was she a firecracker. :'''Butcher''': Frenchie's gonna be real heartbroken he missed this. <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie and A-Train bump into each other at Herogasm]'' :'''A-Train''': Sorry… ''[sees Hughie]'' Oh. Hey, I know you like fucking Supes, but I'm off the table. :'''Hughie''': That's not why I'm here, okay? You're here too, you know. :'''A-Train''': Whatever, [[w:Pornhub|Pornhub]]. I don't have time for you right now. ''[turns to walk away]'' :'''Hughie''': ''[pause]'' Hey. You never said you were sorry. :'''A-Train''': What? :'''Hughie''': For Robin. You never apologized for Robin. :'''A-Train''': Jesus. You wanna do this right now? :'''Hughie''': Yeah, I do. ''[pause; A-Train says nothing]'' You just get away with everything, don't you? Just running past all the people you leave behind. :'''A-Train''': Alright, you know what? :'''Hughie''': What? :'''A-Train''': ''[beat]'' I'm sorry. Is that what you wanna hear? 'Cause I am, okay? It's fucked up seeing somebody that you love get hurt like that. ''[pause]'' I'm sorry. I'm fucking sorry, Hughie. <hr width='50%'> :'''Homelander''': William Butcher and Soldier Boy. Of course. You ''are'' behind this. This whole thing… it really is all about me. William, we made a deal to fight to the death. You and me. This is cheating. Deal's off. :''[Homelander knocks Butcher out with his laser eyes]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[to Soldier Boy]'' You were my hero growing up. I watched all your movies hundreds of times. You were the only one that was nearly as strong as me. :'''Soldier Boy''': Buddy, you think you look strong? You're wearing a cape. You're just a cheap fuckin' knockoff. :'''Homelander''': Oh, no, no, no… '''''I'm the upgrade.''''' <hr width='50%'> :''[Annie and M.M. take in the aftermath of the massacre at Herogasm. She turns on the camera on her cell phone and offers it to M.M.]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': This is a bad idea. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Homelander helped make me America's sweetheart. He's gonna regret that. :''[M.M. takes Annie's cell phone while she takes a few steps back]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': You ready? :''[Annie nods. M.M. presses a button on Annie's phone to start recording an Instagram livestream]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': I'm in [[w:Montpelier, Vermont|Montpelier, Vermont]]. Twelve heroes and civilians are dead. A lot more are wounded. Now, Homelander and Vought are going to tell you that it was the supervillain, and that they have it handled. They don't. It was Soldier Boy. I know I sound insane, but Soldier Boy doesn't care about protecting Americans and he probably never has. Most heroes don't care about you. They only care about their image. And Homelander is the worst of them. He's hurt people. He's done something to Maeve. ''[beat]'' I don't know what they're gonna do to me for telling the truth… but I'm going to keep doing it, and I should have done it sooner, and I'm sorry. And one more thing: I'm not Starlight anymore. My name is Annie January… and I fucking quit. ===''"Here Comes a Candle to Light You to Bed"'' [3.07]=== :''[Homelander visits a prisoner, revealed to be Queen Maeve, inside a Vought holding cell]'' :'''Homelander''': Hey, how you doing? Look, I–I'm sorry about all this. I wish I could say you get used to it, but you never do. So… where are they hiding? ''[beat; Maeve doesn't say anything]'' Butcher and Soldier Boy. Where are they? :'''Queen Maeve''': Wait, is… ''[gets up and walks up to Homelander]'' is that concealer? Do you have a bruise? :'''Homelander''': Yeah. Do you have any idea what you've set loose? Butcher has powers. I assume thanks to you. They've killed Crimson Countess and seven other heroes, Maeve. Seven. The ones that–that survived are done; they're powerless. Soldier Boy fried the V right out of their blood somehow. Maeve, do you understand that could happen to any one of us? :'''Queen Maeve''': Yeah. That's the difference between you and me. You need to be a Supe. I can't wait till that's over. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' Maeve– :'''Queen Maeve''': Why are you letting me live? :'''Homelander''': Maeve… You know, back when things were better between us… ''[sighs]'' I used to dream of having kids with you. ''[chuckles]'' No, I did. A family. Nesting, you know? I–I mean, can you imagine how perfect our kids would be? Sublime. Twice as strong as Ryan. No kid of mine would ever know a room like this, I'll tell you that. :'''Queen Maeve''': Just so you know, I'll fucking shatter whatever you try to stick up there. :'''Homelander''': Maeve, don't be so crass! We're not savages. I respect what you are, even if you don't. I would never force myself on you. ''[pause]'' But I am gonna harvest your eggs. That way, if… God forbid, you do die–whether by accident or choice–you'll die knowing that the very best of you carries on. With me. See, Maeve, I'm not letting you live. I'm keeping you alive. :'''Queen Maeve''': ''[smiles and snickers]'' This is still a top-three day in my life. Because today is the day I saw you scared. <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher has been put into deep sleep by Mindstorm and Hughie tries to rouse him. Soldier Boy, who is very stoned, looks for Mindstorm.]'' :'''Hughie''': Butcher, wake up! Wake up! :'''Soldier Boy''': Fucking freak slipped away. He's gonna pick us off… :'''Hughie''': Butcher, wake up. :'''Soldier Boy''': …one by one. :'''Hughie''': Come on, wake up, Butcher. Butcher! Wake up! :'''Soldier Boy''': No, you're wasting your time. He's gone. :'''Hughie''': What did Mindstorm do? :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, if it's his usual MO, trapped him in an endless nightmare until he dies of terminal dehydration. :'''Hughie''': No, there's gotta be a way we can wake him up. :'''Soldier Boy''': Mindstorm put him into this. He can snap him out. :'''Hughie''': Okay, great. Great. :'''Soldier Boy''': But he's about to be dead. :'''Hughie''': Wait. Wait, just hang on. If we–If we grab Mindstorm, we make him help Butcher… :'''Soldier Boy''': No way. :'''Hughie''': …and then–and then you can kill him. Then, you can go to town on him, man! I don't give a fuck! :'''Soldier Boy''': Hey! If you're gonna act hysterical, I'm gonna slap you like I'm [[w:Sean Connery|Connery]]. Now, unless you wanna end up like your friend there, it ain't worth the risk. Look, chin up, okay? Deal's a deal. You help me finish this, I'll kill Homelander. Butcher would've given up his life for that in a heartbeat. ''[pause; Hughie looks down at Butcher]'' So, we doing this or not? :''[Hughie walks back to pick up his backpack]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Leave it. We gotta move fast. ''[pause]'' Ah… Do you hear that? :'''Hughie''': Uh... You might wanna lay off the weed, huh? :'''Soldier Boy''': And you might wanna gargle my [[w:scrotum|ballsack]]. :''[...]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Still can't believe this shit is legal. I locked up so many assholes for it back in the day. ''[beat]'' What the fuck did you say? :'''Hughie''': Literally nothing. :'''Soldier Boy''': Jesus. How hard? :'''Hughie''': What? :'''Soldier Boy''': How hard did Butcher suck your dick that you miss him that much? His mouth must feel like a Hoover Deluxe. :'''Hughie''': God, every single thing you say is so gross. He saved me, okay? More than once. So I owe him. :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh, bullshit. You're on a mission. You get the job done, okay? I stormed Normandy. I fought the Nazis. You wanna know what I do when I'm sad or scared? Fucking nothing. 'Cause I'm not a fucking pussy. :'''Hughie''': ''[pause; chuckles]'' You didn't storm shit. Your whole [[w:Marlboro Man|Marlboro Man]] act? It's fucking crap, and I– :''[Soldier Boy punches Hughie hard in the jaw]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': I warned you. <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie and Soldier Boy come across a priest and a nun stranded on the road when they make it out of the woods]'' :'''Priest''': Son, are–are you a superhero? :'''Soldier Boy''': Yes, Father. You folks need some help? :'''Nun''': Yes. Yes, please. :'''Soldier Boy''': Okay, well, it's not safe. There's a fugitive in the area. You should get out of here before you get hurt. :'''Priest''': Uh, well, we can't. I don't suppose either of you know engines? :'''Soldier Boy''': I'll have a look. :'''Priest''': Oh, I'd appreciate that very much. :'''Hughie''': Uh, so, where you guys headed? :'''Priest''': We're just on our way to a Samaritan's Embrace retreat over there in Danville. :''[Soldier Boy shoots the priest in the head, killing him instantly. The nun screams in horror.]'' :'''Hughie''': Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What the fuck?! :'''Soldier Boy''': This is Mindstorm's MO; he brainwashed them. That priest was gonna shank us, and she will, too. :''[Hughie gets in front of Soldier Boy when he aims his gun at the nun]'' :'''Hughie''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Nun''': ''[kneels down over the priest's dead body]'' Father Wallace, no! :'''Hughie''': Hey! Hey, she doesn't look brainwashed to me. :'''Soldier Boy''': Take my word for it. Everyone's coming for us. Everyone, every day. :'''Hughie''': Whoa! No, no, no! You have PTSD! You have PTSD, and you are super fucking stoned, alright?! Maybe this isn't what you think it is! :'''Soldier Boy''': Move! Move! :'''Hughie''': She's a human being! A nun! And if there's one thing I know– :'''Nun''': ''[tackles Hughie from behind and bites him]'' DIE, YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKERS! :'''Hughie''': Oh, my God! Do something! :'''Soldier Boy''': If you stay still, I… :'''Hughie''': Fuck you! Get her off me! :''[Soldier Boy shoots the nun in the head. Hughie pants as she falls to the ground.]'' :'''Hughie''': OH! FUCK! ME! '''NO!''' Hard pass on this [[w:The Exorcist|''Exorcist'']] shit! :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[looks down at the dead nun and priest]'' What's black and white and red all over? ''[pause]'' Okay, first off, I don't have shellshock. Fuck you. Second, this is what I'm talking about. ''This'' is being a soldier! <hr width='50%'> :''[Annie is waiting for an elevator at Vought Tower after stealing several Compound V samples. Homelander sees her standing by the elevators.]'' :'''Homelander''': Here she is. Did you think I wouldn't know the second you walked through the door? :'''Annie''': Well, we broke up. It was time to pack my shit and go. :'''Homelander''': ''[chuckles and smiles]'' Okay. So, here's what happens now. You're gonna march into VNN Studios, and you're gonna recant everything you said. It was a tragic cocktail of heartbreak, Zoloft and despair. You regret any harm that your lies have caused Vought or me, but… me in particular. :'''Annie''': Mmm. :'''Homelander''': Good. :'''Annie''': Okay, but you wanna hear my counter? I stop Soldier Boy before he murders more people, and I find Maeve. If she's still alive. :'''Homelander''': Maeve's just learning her manners. And you should do the same. Seriously, before you throw away everything you've worked so hard for. :'''Annie''': You know what? I could give a shit. :'''Homelander''': Really? You sure about that? Your fame is the only thing protecting you. :'''Annie''': Here's the thing: I'm not scared of you anymore. I'm not. I see who you are. I see how small you are. I saw it. ''[pause]'' I saw it the night that you killed Supersonic. :'''Homelander''': You know what I remember from that night? I remember I told you what would happen to Hughie. You walk, that's next. :'''Annie''': …Good luck with that. :''[Annie pulls out her cell phone, which is recording a livestream for her Instagram followers]'' :'''Annie''': Now that you've told my 190 million followers. I'm still pretty famous. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughing]'' Hey, everybody! :'''Annie''': ''[hears elevator doors open]'' Oh, that's me. I gotta go. :''[Annie walks backwards into the elevator while still recording Homelander]'' :'''Homelander''': Starlight, wait. You're not supposed to record us when we're running lines! :''[Homelander's cheery demeanor quickly changes to one of sheer anger and he glares at Annie as the elevator doors close]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Annie''': I need to talk to Hughie. Where is he? :'''Butcher''': Oh, Starlight. How delightful. He's just popped out for a bit. :'''Annie''': Okay, well, he's not answering his phone. :'''Butcher''': Bit hard to keep a phone when you're teleportin' all day, innit, love? How can I help? :'''Annie''': Temp V is gonna kill you both. :'''Butcher''': Well, it's gonna have to join the queue. :'''Annie''': I was just in the lab. It causes lesions, okay? It turns your brain into fucking Swiss cheese! So ''please'' be honest with me, and tell me how many doses have you taken. :'''Butcher''': Just a couple. :'''Annie''': Jesus Christ. Butcher, three to five doses ''kills you''. You need to tell Hughie. :'''Butcher''': Yeah. Yeah, I will. I will. I promise. :'''Annie''': Okay, but I'm calling back every five minutes until… ''[Butcher hangs up on her]'' Butcher? Goddammit. :''[Hughie comes back with food for himself and Butcher]'' :'''Hughie''': Okay, hi. Only thing open was Long John Silver's, so... I guess that's kind of fish and chips, right? :'''Butcher''': Yeah. Nice one. :'''Hughie''': Everything alright? :'''Butcher''': It's, uh… It's the Temp V. :'''Hughie''': What about it? :'''Butcher''': ''[beat]'' We gotta swing by the office and get some more. ''[pause]'' And then you, me, and Granny Fucker are gonna finish this fuckin' job. :'''Hughie''': Yeah. ''[chuckles]'' Fuck, yeah. <hr width='50%'> :'''Homelander''': ''[to Ashley on the phone]'' Obviously, I didn't realize the little bitch was recording me, did I? ''[pause]'' No, no! Ashley, I don't fucking care! You're the spin doctor, go fucking spin it! ''[hears phone line beeping; to operator]'' What?! :'''Operator''': Sir, I apologize for disturbing you… but you have a call. He says he's… Well, he's claiming to be Soldier Boy. :'''Homelander''': ''[stammers]'' Put him through. :''[Homelander presses a button to accept the other call]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[to Soldier Boy]'' This really you? :'''Soldier Boy''': The situation's changed. I thought we should have a conversation. :'''Homelander''': I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but you got lucky once because you fucking ambushed me. :'''Soldier Boy''': Fall 1980, I get called into Vogelbaum's lab for an experiment. Some shit about genetics. I still remember the Penthouse I used: June. Danielle Deneux, bush like a Pomeranian. :'''Homelander''': What? :'''Soldier Boy''': I beat my meat into a cup. Turns out… Vogelbaum made a kid. Born in spring 1981: A boy. You know what the bitch of it is? If they'd have just kept me around, I'd have let you take the spotlight. What father wouldn't want that for his son? ===''"The Instant White-Hot Wild"'' [3.08]=== :'''Homelander''': Listen, Ryan. Your mom, she wanted what's best for you. And so do I. You have a real family. :'''Ryan''': But aren't you mad at me? For what I did? :'''Homelander''': You know it wasn't your fault, right? Son, when you're as strong as we are, accidents happen, things break… and sometimes they are the things that you love the most. But- but that's all it is: An accident. And nobody on this earth knows that better than me. Nobody. That's why I'm always gonna love you. No matter what happens, no matter... what you do. I'm not going anywhere. I will always be here. <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie has Annie pick him up at the gas station where Butcher abandoned him]'' :'''Hughie''': Thanks for picking me up. I'm sure you wanna tell me to go fuck myself. :'''Annie''': I'm not saying anything. :'''Hughie''': 'Cause if you did wanna say that, I mean, you could. ''[sighs]'' :'''Annie''': What happened? :'''Hughie''': Uh... Butcher. Just out of nowhere, knocked me out. :'''Annie''': Did he tell you? :'''Hughie''': Tell me what? :'''Annie''': That Temp V is fatal. If you shot up any more, you'd probably be dead right now. ''[Hughie stares at her]'' Oh, my fucking God, he didn't tell you! That asshole! :'''Hughie''': Saved my life. :'''Annie''': Saved your life? It looks like he gave you a concussion. :'''Hughie''': He stopped me from taking more V. ''[pause]'' Have you ever had [[w:Pizza rolls|pizza rolls]]? :'''Annie''': Like… middle school sleepover pizza rolls? :'''Hughie''': Yeah. Dad bought them in bulk after Mom left. Every night, we'd have pizza rolls, watch ''Remington Steele'', try not to touch her spot on the couch. And he never fought back for her or anything. Just sat there eating pizza rolls. I spent so much time thinking he was… sad and–and weak. Just a loser. But you know what? Dad… was there. Taking care of me during the worst days of his life, just trying to keep the lights on and a… and a roof above our heads. He wasn't weak. I just, I–I didn't know what strength was. Annie, I'm–I'm so sorry. I've been an asshole. I never should have… I–I never should've put any of this onto you. :'''Annie''': Thank you for saying that. :'''Hughie''': Literally every neuron in your brain is screaming "I told you so", so why don't you just say it before your head explodes? :'''Annie''': Oh, my God! I fucking told you so! :'''Hughie''': Feel good to get that out? :'''Annie''': So satisfying. <hr width='50%'> :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[sniffs whiskey]'' Whoa. That brings me back. Used to sneak my dad's Manhattans when I was a kid. :'''Butcher''': I didn't have to nick nothin' from my old man. He used to get me and me little brother lagered just for the hell of it. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, I gotta admit, that does sound funny. The old man still around? :'''Butcher''': Arse cancer. ''[pause; sees Mallory calling him and shuts his phone off]'' Shittin' his guts out as we speak, one hopes. :'''Soldier Boy''': You ever see ''The Soldier Boy Story?'' :'''Butcher''': Must've missed it. :'''Soldier Boy''': It's a classic. We lost [[w:Academy Award for Best Picture|Best Picture]] to [[w:An American in Paris|''An American in Paris'']] that year. At least I got to ass-fuck Jane Wyman in the coat check. It's about a poor kid from the streets of South Philly, discovers he's got incredible powers to match his heart of gold. It was all bullshit. :'''Butcher''': ''[sarcastically]'' Blimey, you don't say. :'''Soldier Boy''': Actually, my father owned half the steel mills in the state. I went to boarding school. Got kicked out of boarding school because I was a fuck-up… but he made sure I knew it. :'''Butcher''': Used the belt, did he? :'''Soldier Boy''': Never laid a hand on me. He couldn't be bothered. He said I was a disappointment. Not good enough to carry his name. So I went to his golf buddies in the War Department, and they got me into Dr. Vought's Compound V trials. I became a superhero. Strongest man alive, fuckin' ticker-tape parades when I came home. :'''Butcher''': And what did the old man say then? :'''Soldier Boy''': Ah… he said I took a shortcut. ''[pause]'' That a real man wouldn't have cheated. ''[beat; clears throat]'' How 'bout you? You got kids? :'''Butcher''': It's complicated. :'''Soldier Boy''': I always assumed I had a few out there… somewhere. I always wanted 'em, 'cause I thought I could do it better than my father did. :'''Butcher''': Homelander ain't yours. Not really. :'''Soldier Boy''': He's the only blood I've got left. :'''Butcher''': It don't matter. You didn't name him, didn't raise him. Vought grew him in a fuckin' test tube to take your place. He's the fuckin' reason they left you to rot with the Ivans. Look, mate… we had a deal. :''[Soldier Boy finishes his glass of whiskey, stands up, and walks out]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': I'm gonna get some air. <hr width='50%'> :''[The Deep plays a voice recording of Annie calling Vought security for Ashley, A-Train and Homelander]'' :'''Annie''': ''[over the recording]'' I'm Starlight, and I'm telling you that you need to evacuate the Tower ''now''. :'''Vought Guard''': ''[over the recording]'' Why? :'''Annie''': ''[over the recording]'' Because Soldier Boy is alive, and he– :'''The Deep''': We ran it through the voice thingamabob. It's really her, so… you know, I think we should probably evacuate. :'''Homelander''': Nobody's evacuating anything. We have to project strength. :'''The Deep''': Right. No, that's smart. Strength. Okay, so my Angel Fish–that's what I call Analytics–we think Soldier Boy's coming for Noir. Last member of Payback, right? So we should use Noir as bait. And that way it draws Soldier Boy directly to the… :''[Homelander lays Black Noir's face mask on the table]'' :'''The Deep''': …Hey, is everything–Is everything okay with Noir? :'''Homelander''': He was keeping secrets from me. You know, when the company first rolled me out in front of the cameras, they told me I was gonna get my very own team. I wanted so badly for that team to be the family that I never got. And then, I got ''you''. :'''The Deep''': I've–I've always tried to help, sir. :'''Homelander''': What, like when you ran away from Herogasm? Or maybe when you fucked an octopus? ''[pause; A-Train looks at The Deep with disgust]'' You really wanna help? :''[Homelander motions for The Deep to come closer to him. He whispers something in The Deep's ear.]'' :'''The Deep''': Sir… ''[chuckles]'' That's sort of treason. :'''Homelander''': Big word. :'''The Deep''': Anything you need, Homelander. Sir. :'''Homelander''': Ashley, take off that wig. :'''Ashley''': What wig? :''[Homelander just glares at her. Ashley reluctantly reaches above her head, and takes off her red-headed wig, revealing that she is mostly bald from pulling her hair out. A-Train and The Deep look shocked.]'' :'''Homelander''': Hmmm. ''[to A-Train]'' And then, there's you. How could you kill one of your own kind in cold blood? You are gonna tell the world that we are the one and only true justice. Noir was worth more than ''all of you'' put together. You're not my family. I don't need any of you. Remember that. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander is inside a Vought lab watching an archival video of Soldier Boy when Butcher appears behind him]'' :'''Homelander''': Scorched earth, eh, William? :'''Butcher''': Scorched earth. :''[Butcher walks into the Vought lab. Soldier Boy and Queen Maeve follow him inside.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Where's Noir? :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' He's dead. I killed him. :'''Soldier Boy''': Why? :'''Homelander''': Because he didn't tell me about you. I'm alone. I just wanna talk. I know what it's like to have your team betray you. But with you and I together… they wouldn't stand a chance. Nobody would. :'''Soldier Boy''': Unless we kill each other first. :'''Homelander''': That's true, but why? What, because he says so? ''[chuckling]'' He's nothing. He's a human. :'''Butcher''': ''[to Soldier Boy]'' Don't you listen to this fuckin' twat. He ain't your kid. :'''Homelander''': YES, I AM! I '''AM''' YOUR SON! I am your blood. That's all that matters. :'''Soldier Boy''': Maybe. :''[Homelander opens a door and brings Ryan out]'' :'''Butcher''': Ryan… :'''Homelander''': ''[to Soldier Boy]'' This is my son, Ryan. Your grandson. :'''Ryan''': Hi, Grandpa. :'''Homelander''': You see? You have a family. You have him… ''[tearfully]'' and you have me. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause]'' It's a shame that I've missed… so much. I wish I could've raised you and taught you, father to son. :'''Homelander''': Me, too. That's okay. We're not alone anymore. We have each other. :'''Soldier Boy''': Maybe if I'd raised you, I could've made you better… and not some weak, sniveling pussy starved for attention. But there's no fixing that now. :'''Homelander''': Weak? I'm you. :'''Soldier Boy''': I know. ''You're a fucking disappointment.'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Soldier Boy''': What the fuck are you doing? :'''Butcher''': Not the kid. :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh, I thought you said blood didn't matter. I thought that was the whole fuckin' point! :'''Butcher''': He's my wife's son. :'''Soldier Boy''': Wait, Homelander fucked your wife? And you wanna save the brat? The hell's wrong with you? :'''Butcher''': I made a promise. :'''Soldier Boy''': So this is it. Everything you wanted–He's right fuckin' there, and now you blink? :'''Butcher''': Stand down. :'''Soldier Boy''': Fuck you! You're weaker than he is. <hr width='50%'> :'''Annie''': Hello? It's me. Are you there? :''[Queen Maeve walks out Annie's bedroom with an arm cast, wearing gauze over her right eye while her other eye is black and blue]'' :'''Annie''': Oh, God. Well, you, uh… You look like shit. :'''Queen Maeve''': ''[grins]'' Fuck off, [[w:The Smurfs|Smurfette]]. :'''Annie''': ''[chuckles]'' You gonna be okay? :'''Queen Maeve''': Yeah, slowly. Painfully, like every other powerless schmuck in America, thanks to Soldier Boy. Question: Should I get a pirate patch or the Sammy Davis glass eye? :'''Annie''': Oh, the pirate patch. No question. :''[Maeve's girlfriend, Elena, comes out to join her]'' :'''Elena''': ''[to Maeve]'' You ready? ''[to Annie]'' Hey. :'''Annie''': Hey, Elena. Where will you guys go? :'''Queen Maeve''': I don't know, somewhere Homelander won't find me. :'''Elena''': A farm, ideally. She's from [[w:Modesto, California|Modesto]]. She was a Future Farmer of America. :'''Queen Maeve''': ''[smirks]'' Great. :'''Annie''': ''[to Maeve]'' Thank you. For everything. :'''Queen Maeve''': First time your prissy ass showed up at the Tower, crying in that bathroom… You saved me. Truth is, you… you don't need me anymore. I could jump… but you can fucking fly. ''[beat; chuckles when Annie hugs her]'' You're like [[w:Hallmark Cards|a walking Hallmark card]]. Enough. <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie sees Annie holding her old Starlight uniform]'' :'''Hughie''': You sure you wanna do this? :''[Annie thinks for a moment, then shoves the uniform into a trash chute]'' :'''Annie''': I don't need it. ''[shakes her head]'' I don't. The suit never gave me any power. And Vought sure as shit didn't. ''[Hughie gives Annie her old boots to throw away]'' It's always just been me. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[pause; clears his throat]'' Uh, Annie? :'''Annie''': Mm-hmm? :'''Mother's Milk''': You know, we're in a historic building. You need to double-knot... :'''Annie''': Okay. :'''Mother's Milk''': … and bag your trash if you're gonna be working here. :'''Annie''': Butcher isn't gonna like it. :'''Frenchie''': Butcher can suck my shit. From now on, this is a democracy, huh? I say you're one of The Boys. :'''Mother's Milk''': Me, too. :''[Kimiko and Hughie raise their hands in approval. Butcher suddenly appears and interrupts by sipping from a Vought cup. Hughie watches TV and notices something on the news while everyone stares coldly at Butcher.]'' :'''Hughie''': Oh, fuck. :'''Female Reporter''': ''[on TV]'' After the tragic drowning of presumptive VP candidate Lamar Bishop, we go live to the Singer campaign in Sioux Falls, where Dakota Bob just announced his new running mate. :''[The news cuts to Victoria Neuman walking behind Singer]'' :'''Male Reporter''': ''[on TV]'' What would you like to say to the American people? :'''Neuman''': ''[on TV]'' As the next Vice President, I will work hard to provide a safe and secure future for all citizens on both sides of the political divide. :'''Singer''': ''[on TV]'' And that's why I am so proud to have her on my team. :''[All of the Boys, except for Butcher, watch the cheering crowd in shock]'' :'''Butcher''': Well… That bitch has definitely gotta go. <hr width='50%'> :'''Homelander''': ''[to a crowd of his fans]'' Hey, good to see ya! I love you guys. You ARE America. True patriots. Hey, do you wanna meet someone–someone very special to me? Yeah? All right, come on down here, buddy. ''[Ryan floats down]'' All right, everyone. This little guy here… is my son, Ryan. :''[The crowd cheers and claps, except for a Starlighter with a water bottle]'' :'''Water Bottle Guy''': FUCK YOU, FASCIST! :''[He throws the bottle at Ryan, much to the crowd's shock and disgust. Homelander blows his head apart on the spot, leaving everyone in stunned silence for a moment.]'' :'''Todd''': Yeah… YEAH! YEAH!! ''[laughs]'' :''[The rest of the crowd joins him in cheering. Homelander looks genuinely surprised, but then grins and laughs.]'' :'''Homelander''': All right! ==External links== {{Wikipedia|The Boys season 3}} {{The Boys}} [[Category:The Boys (TV series) seasons]] gmz1s3trxnd830m4rh0dlbn1pivjjrd 0 280297 3955266 3946707 2026-06-22T07:40:26Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Dave Stangle */ 3955266 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates|Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates]]''''' is a [[2016]] romantic comedy film about two liquor salesmen brothers Dave and Mike Strangle who find themselves dates to their sister's upcoming wedding in Hawaii. :''Directed by [[w:Jake Szymanski|Jake Szymanski]]; Produced and written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]], [[w:Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]]'' {{center|'''They needed hot dates. They got hot messes.'''<small></small>}} ==Dave Stangle== * ''(sitting on a tree branch with Alice)'' I think you’re nice. * ''(making out with Alice on a picnic table)'' Wait, there’s people everywhere. ==Mike Stangle== * Let's Erin Brockovich this bitch! * You look like "Burn Victim Barbie". ==Alice Davis== * They have ''The Rodfather''. I don't know if we're going to get it though if we haven't seen ''The Godfather''. ==Dialogue== :'''Mike''': Why aren't you on my side, Dave? :'''Dave''': What? I'm done with this shit, man. I'm not doing our stupid speech. In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business. There it is! :'''Mike''': Really? :'''Dave''': Yeah. :'''Mike''': And what are you gonna do? :'''Dave''': I'm gonna draw!! I'm gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent! BOOM! :'''Mike''': ''[stands up]'' You traitor! :'''Cousin Terry''': ''[out on stage]'' I ain't gotta rehearse! I know how to eat dinner! ''[the wedding party laughs uproariously]'' Keith, can you turn me up a little bit? ''[Keith accidentally presses a wrong button to Mike's and Dave's microphones on the speaker system]'' :'''Mike''': You turn your back on me when everyone else does. Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward! :'''Cousin Terry''': Ooh, I don't think they know they're on. :'''Burt''': What? Where is that coming from? :'''Keith''': I don't know what I did! :'''Dave''': It doesn't matter, Mike. You're losing your mind! You just tried to poison our cousin Terry! ''[the adults gasp] :'''Cousin Terry''': Try a little harder. Am I right? :'''Mike''': You're goddamn right I did! Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage. :'''Burt''': That is unacceptable. Oh, th-the mics are on, boys. :'''Mike''': I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe. :'''Burt''': The mics are on! :'''Dave''': You're just fucking pissed off because Tatiana finger-diddled Terry! :'''Cousin Terry''': There it is! :'''Tatiana''': It was for tickets to Rihanna! :'''Dave''': You're sad, man. You are sad. :'''Mike''': I'm gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids! ''[Mike charges Dave and Dave punches Mike to the floor]'' You wanna go?! :'''Dave''': Don't do it! :'''Mike''': These are coming your way! :'''Dave''': Just stop! ''[punches Mike a second time]'' :'''Rosie''': God, that had to hurt! :'''Dave''': Don't do it again! ''[the pattern continues with Mike rushing at Dave and Dave punching Mike]'' :'''Mike''': Why do you keep punching me?! :'''Dave''': Why do you keep rushing at me?! :'''Becky''': Ooh. Get him, Dave. Oops, who said that? :'''Mike''': ''[enraged]'' This wedding is going to Hell! :'''Burt''': Yes. :'''Mike''': They're out there, smiling like fucking idiots, and they don't realize the bride is getting off at massage parlors like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran! ''[Becky breaks her glass due to her excessive pressure]'' :'''Eric''': I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood. :'''Mike''': I walked in and saw little Jeanie, the bride-to-be, orgasming. The masseuse got her off! :'''Eric''': GODDAMN IT!! ''[rushes off]'' Jeanie! :'''Mike''': '''I HATE YOU!!!''' ''[shoves Dave straight into the middle of the stage where Cousin Terry is giving her speech prior, only to be discovered by Burt]'' ==Cast== *[[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] as Dave Stangle *[[w:Adam DeVine|Adam DeVine]] as Mike Stangle *[[w:Anna Kendrick|Anna Kendrick]] as Alice Davis *[[w:Aubrey Plaza|Aubrey Plaza]] as Tatiana *[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] as Burt Stangle *[[w:Stephanie Faracy|Stephanie Faracy]] as Rosie Stangle *[[w:Sugar Lyn Beard|Sugar Lyn Beard]] as Jeanie Stangle *[[w:Sam Richardson (actor)|Sam Richardson]] as Eric Huddle *[[w:Alice Wetterlund|Alice Wetterlund]] as Cousin Terry *[[w:Mary Holland|Mary Holland]] as Becky *[[w:Marc Maron|Marc Maron]] as Randy *[[w:Jake Johnson|Jake Johnson]] as Ronnie ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=2823054|title=Make and Dave Need Wedding Dates}} [[Category:2016 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American romantic comedy films]] [[Category:Buddy comedy films]] [[Category:Films about weddings]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] 4kte3qqv9cep5ozu1lhlinho4or5c66 3955267 3955266 2026-06-22T07:40:50Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Mike Stangle */ 3955267 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates|Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates]]''''' is a [[2016]] romantic comedy film about two liquor salesmen brothers Dave and Mike Strangle who find themselves dates to their sister's upcoming wedding in Hawaii. :''Directed by [[w:Jake Szymanski|Jake Szymanski]]; Produced and written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]], [[w:Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]]'' {{center|'''They needed hot dates. They got hot messes.'''<small></small>}} ==Dave Stangle== * ''(sitting on a tree branch with Alice)'' I think you’re nice. * ''(making out with Alice on a picnic table)'' Wait, there’s people everywhere. ==Mike Stangle== * Let’s Erin Brockovich this bitch! * You look like “Burn Victim Barbie”. ==Alice Davis== * They have ''The Rodfather''. I don't know if we're going to get it though if we haven't seen ''The Godfather''. ==Dialogue== :'''Mike''': Why aren't you on my side, Dave? :'''Dave''': What? I'm done with this shit, man. I'm not doing our stupid speech. In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business. There it is! :'''Mike''': Really? :'''Dave''': Yeah. :'''Mike''': And what are you gonna do? :'''Dave''': I'm gonna draw!! I'm gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent! BOOM! :'''Mike''': ''[stands up]'' You traitor! :'''Cousin Terry''': ''[out on stage]'' I ain't gotta rehearse! I know how to eat dinner! ''[the wedding party laughs uproariously]'' Keith, can you turn me up a little bit? ''[Keith accidentally presses a wrong button to Mike's and Dave's microphones on the speaker system]'' :'''Mike''': You turn your back on me when everyone else does. Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward! :'''Cousin Terry''': Ooh, I don't think they know they're on. :'''Burt''': What? Where is that coming from? :'''Keith''': I don't know what I did! :'''Dave''': It doesn't matter, Mike. You're losing your mind! You just tried to poison our cousin Terry! ''[the adults gasp] :'''Cousin Terry''': Try a little harder. Am I right? :'''Mike''': You're goddamn right I did! Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage. :'''Burt''': That is unacceptable. Oh, th-the mics are on, boys. :'''Mike''': I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe. :'''Burt''': The mics are on! :'''Dave''': You're just fucking pissed off because Tatiana finger-diddled Terry! :'''Cousin Terry''': There it is! :'''Tatiana''': It was for tickets to Rihanna! :'''Dave''': You're sad, man. You are sad. :'''Mike''': I'm gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids! ''[Mike charges Dave and Dave punches Mike to the floor]'' You wanna go?! :'''Dave''': Don't do it! :'''Mike''': These are coming your way! :'''Dave''': Just stop! ''[punches Mike a second time]'' :'''Rosie''': God, that had to hurt! :'''Dave''': Don't do it again! ''[the pattern continues with Mike rushing at Dave and Dave punching Mike]'' :'''Mike''': Why do you keep punching me?! :'''Dave''': Why do you keep rushing at me?! :'''Becky''': Ooh. Get him, Dave. Oops, who said that? :'''Mike''': ''[enraged]'' This wedding is going to Hell! :'''Burt''': Yes. :'''Mike''': They're out there, smiling like fucking idiots, and they don't realize the bride is getting off at massage parlors like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran! ''[Becky breaks her glass due to her excessive pressure]'' :'''Eric''': I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood. :'''Mike''': I walked in and saw little Jeanie, the bride-to-be, orgasming. The masseuse got her off! :'''Eric''': GODDAMN IT!! ''[rushes off]'' Jeanie! :'''Mike''': '''I HATE YOU!!!''' ''[shoves Dave straight into the middle of the stage where Cousin Terry is giving her speech prior, only to be discovered by Burt]'' ==Cast== *[[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] as Dave Stangle *[[w:Adam DeVine|Adam DeVine]] as Mike Stangle *[[w:Anna Kendrick|Anna Kendrick]] as Alice Davis *[[w:Aubrey Plaza|Aubrey Plaza]] as Tatiana *[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] as Burt Stangle *[[w:Stephanie Faracy|Stephanie Faracy]] as Rosie Stangle *[[w:Sugar Lyn Beard|Sugar Lyn Beard]] as Jeanie Stangle *[[w:Sam Richardson (actor)|Sam Richardson]] as Eric Huddle *[[w:Alice Wetterlund|Alice Wetterlund]] as Cousin Terry *[[w:Mary Holland|Mary Holland]] as Becky *[[w:Marc Maron|Marc Maron]] as Randy *[[w:Jake Johnson|Jake Johnson]] as Ronnie ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=2823054|title=Make and Dave Need Wedding Dates}} [[Category:2016 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American romantic comedy films]] [[Category:Buddy comedy films]] [[Category:Films about weddings]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] 1v7t4e9mb8z2ty2x4me7uw212q9g6y5 3955268 3955267 2026-06-22T07:41:14Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Alice Davis */ 3955268 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates|Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates]]''''' is a [[2016]] romantic comedy film about two liquor salesmen brothers Dave and Mike Strangle who find themselves dates to their sister's upcoming wedding in Hawaii. :''Directed by [[w:Jake Szymanski|Jake Szymanski]]; Produced and written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]], [[w:Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]]'' {{center|'''They needed hot dates. They got hot messes.'''<small></small>}} ==Dave Stangle== * ''(sitting on a tree branch with Alice)'' I think you’re nice. * ''(making out with Alice on a picnic table)'' Wait, there’s people everywhere. ==Mike Stangle== * Let’s Erin Brockovich this bitch! * You look like “Burn Victim Barbie”. ==Alice Davis== * They have ''The Rodfather''. I don't know if we’re going to get it though if we haven’t seen ''The Godfather''. ==Dialogue== :'''Mike''': Why aren't you on my side, Dave? :'''Dave''': What? I'm done with this shit, man. I'm not doing our stupid speech. In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business. There it is! :'''Mike''': Really? :'''Dave''': Yeah. :'''Mike''': And what are you gonna do? :'''Dave''': I'm gonna draw!! I'm gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent! BOOM! :'''Mike''': ''[stands up]'' You traitor! :'''Cousin Terry''': ''[out on stage]'' I ain't gotta rehearse! I know how to eat dinner! ''[the wedding party laughs uproariously]'' Keith, can you turn me up a little bit? ''[Keith accidentally presses a wrong button to Mike's and Dave's microphones on the speaker system]'' :'''Mike''': You turn your back on me when everyone else does. Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward! :'''Cousin Terry''': Ooh, I don't think they know they're on. :'''Burt''': What? Where is that coming from? :'''Keith''': I don't know what I did! :'''Dave''': It doesn't matter, Mike. You're losing your mind! You just tried to poison our cousin Terry! ''[the adults gasp] :'''Cousin Terry''': Try a little harder. Am I right? :'''Mike''': You're goddamn right I did! Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage. :'''Burt''': That is unacceptable. Oh, th-the mics are on, boys. :'''Mike''': I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe. :'''Burt''': The mics are on! :'''Dave''': You're just fucking pissed off because Tatiana finger-diddled Terry! :'''Cousin Terry''': There it is! :'''Tatiana''': It was for tickets to Rihanna! :'''Dave''': You're sad, man. You are sad. :'''Mike''': I'm gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids! ''[Mike charges Dave and Dave punches Mike to the floor]'' You wanna go?! :'''Dave''': Don't do it! :'''Mike''': These are coming your way! :'''Dave''': Just stop! ''[punches Mike a second time]'' :'''Rosie''': God, that had to hurt! :'''Dave''': Don't do it again! ''[the pattern continues with Mike rushing at Dave and Dave punching Mike]'' :'''Mike''': Why do you keep punching me?! :'''Dave''': Why do you keep rushing at me?! :'''Becky''': Ooh. Get him, Dave. Oops, who said that? :'''Mike''': ''[enraged]'' This wedding is going to Hell! :'''Burt''': Yes. :'''Mike''': They're out there, smiling like fucking idiots, and they don't realize the bride is getting off at massage parlors like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran! ''[Becky breaks her glass due to her excessive pressure]'' :'''Eric''': I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood. :'''Mike''': I walked in and saw little Jeanie, the bride-to-be, orgasming. The masseuse got her off! :'''Eric''': GODDAMN IT!! ''[rushes off]'' Jeanie! :'''Mike''': '''I HATE YOU!!!''' ''[shoves Dave straight into the middle of the stage where Cousin Terry is giving her speech prior, only to be discovered by Burt]'' ==Cast== *[[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] as Dave Stangle *[[w:Adam DeVine|Adam DeVine]] as Mike Stangle *[[w:Anna Kendrick|Anna Kendrick]] as Alice Davis *[[w:Aubrey Plaza|Aubrey Plaza]] as Tatiana *[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] as Burt Stangle *[[w:Stephanie Faracy|Stephanie Faracy]] as Rosie Stangle *[[w:Sugar Lyn Beard|Sugar Lyn Beard]] as Jeanie Stangle *[[w:Sam Richardson (actor)|Sam Richardson]] as Eric Huddle *[[w:Alice Wetterlund|Alice Wetterlund]] as Cousin Terry *[[w:Mary Holland|Mary Holland]] as Becky *[[w:Marc Maron|Marc Maron]] as Randy *[[w:Jake Johnson|Jake Johnson]] as Ronnie ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=2823054|title=Make and Dave Need Wedding Dates}} [[Category:2016 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American romantic comedy films]] [[Category:Buddy comedy films]] [[Category:Films about weddings]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] 0vfpauczfqfmb0zn0viau1nq0pk4ocq 3955269 3955268 2026-06-22T07:43:42Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Dialogue */ 3955269 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates|Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates]]''''' is a [[2016]] romantic comedy film about two liquor salesmen brothers Dave and Mike Strangle who find themselves dates to their sister's upcoming wedding in Hawaii. :''Directed by [[w:Jake Szymanski|Jake Szymanski]]; Produced and written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]], [[w:Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]]'' {{center|'''They needed hot dates. They got hot messes.'''<small></small>}} ==Dave Stangle== * ''(sitting on a tree branch with Alice)'' I think you’re nice. * ''(making out with Alice on a picnic table)'' Wait, there’s people everywhere. ==Mike Stangle== * Let’s Erin Brockovich this bitch! * You look like “Burn Victim Barbie”. ==Alice Davis== * They have ''The Rodfather''. I don't know if we’re going to get it though if we haven’t seen ''The Godfather''. ==Dialogue== :'''Mike''': Why aren’t you on my side, Dave? :'''Dave''': What? I’m done with this shit, man. I’m not doing our stupid speech. In fact, I’m quitting our liquor business. There it is! :'''Mike''': Really? :'''Dave''': Yeah. :'''Mike''': And what are you gonna do? :'''Dave''': I’m gonna draw!! I’m gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom’s gonna help me cover the rent! BOOM! :'''Mike''': ''(stands up)'' You traitor! :'''Cousin Terry''': ''(out on stage)'' I ain’t gotta rehearse! I know how to eat dinner! ''(the wedding party laughs uproariously)'' Keith, can you turn me up a little bit? ''(Keith accidentally presses a wrong button to Mike’s and Dave’s microphones on the speaker system)'' :'''Mike''': You turn your back on me when everyone else does. Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward! :'''Cousin Terry''': Ooh, I don’t think they know they’re on. :'''Burt''': What? Where is that coming from? :'''Keith''': I don’t know what I did! :'''Dave''': It doesn’t matter, Mike. You’re losing your mind! You just tried to poison our cousin Terry! ''(the adults gasp)'' :'''Cousin Terry''': Try a little harder. Am I right? :'''Mike''': You’re goddamn right I did! Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage. :'''Burt''': That is unacceptable. Oh, th-the mics are on, boys. :'''Mike''': I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe. :'''Burt''': The mics are on! :'''Dave''': You’re just fucking pissed off because Tatiana finger-diddled Terry! :'''Cousin Terry''': There it is! :'''Tatiana''': It was for tickets to Rihanna! :'''Dave''': You’re sad, man. You are sad. :'''Mike''': I’m gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids! ''(Mike charges Dave and Dave punches Mike to the floor)'' You wanna go?! :'''Dave''': Don’t do it! :'''Mike''': These are coming your way! :'''Dave''': Just stop! ''(punches Mike a second time)'' :'''Rosie''': God, that had to hurt! :'''Dave''': Don’t do it again! ''(the pattern continues with Mike rushing at Dave and Dave punching Mike)'' :'''Mike''': Why do you keep punching me?! :'''Dave''': Why do you keep rushing at me?! :'''Becky''': Ooh. Get him, Dave. Oops, who said that? :'''Mike''': ''(enraged)'' This wedding is going to Hell! :'''Burt''': Yes. :'''Mike''': They’re out there, smiling like fucking idiots, and they don’t realize the bride is getting off at massage parlors like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran! ''(Becky breaks her glass due to her excessive pressure)'' :'''Eric''': I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood. :'''Mike''': I walked in and saw little Jeanie, the bride-to-be, orgasming. The masseuse got her off! :'''Eric''': GODDAMN IT!! ''(rushes off)'' Jeanie! :'''Mike''': '''I HATE YOU!!!''' ''(shoves Dave straight into the middle of the stage where Cousin Terry is giving her speech prior, only to be discovered by Burt)'' ==Cast== *[[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] as Dave Stangle *[[w:Adam DeVine|Adam DeVine]] as Mike Stangle *[[w:Anna Kendrick|Anna Kendrick]] as Alice Davis *[[w:Aubrey Plaza|Aubrey Plaza]] as Tatiana *[[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] as Burt Stangle *[[w:Stephanie Faracy|Stephanie Faracy]] as Rosie Stangle *[[w:Sugar Lyn Beard|Sugar Lyn Beard]] as Jeanie Stangle *[[w:Sam Richardson (actor)|Sam Richardson]] as Eric Huddle *[[w:Alice Wetterlund|Alice Wetterlund]] as Cousin Terry *[[w:Mary Holland|Mary Holland]] as Becky *[[w:Marc Maron|Marc Maron]] as Randy *[[w:Jake Johnson|Jake Johnson]] as Ronnie ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=2823054|title=Make and Dave Need Wedding Dates}} [[Category:2016 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American romantic comedy films]] [[Category:Buddy comedy films]] [[Category:Films about weddings]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] 4f77s7egjxv0u48zpklngkom2ibghxt 2 281912 3955211 3953224 2026-06-22T04:23:04Z Darren J. Prior 2119029 /* Barry Long */ Adding 3 more Barry Long quotes 3955211 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Darren J. Prior, Malin Head Cionn Mhálanna (2024) (cropped).jpg|thumb|300px|Malin Head, Co. Donegal (2024)]] [[File:Spiral triskelion many windings.svg|thumb|right|250px|Celtic triple spiral symbol]] == About me== I have an undergraduate Higher Diploma and a BA in Journalism. I am involved with Near FM and work in the Community, Voluntary and Development Sectors in general. While I am based in Dublin I cover a lot of national and international issues and interview people from across Ireland and not infrequently people based outside the country too. Hansfield, Clonsilla, Dublin 15, Ireland. Páirc Hans, Cluain Saileach, Baile Átha Cliath 15, Éire. *Wikipedia – [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Darren_J._Prior Darren J. Prior] (I am rarely active on Wikipedia). *Vicipéid – [https://ga.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%9As%C3%A1ideoir:Darren_J._Prior Darren J. Prior] The Irish-language version of Wikipedia. *Wikimedia Commons – [https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Darren_J._Prior Darren J. Prior] Photos and some podcasts. == Pages I have started on Wikiquote (2024-2026): == *[[Nicole LePera]] – *[[Irish language]] – *[[John O'Donohue]] – *[[M. Scott Peck]] – == Quotes added below: == == Silver Birch == *Your history books tell you that there have been those from the lowest of the low, the poorest of the poor, who have lived the law and it has not failed them. You must not point to those who do not try it and ask why it does not work.<br>I will tell you another law. There is nothing you can have in the world of matter without you pay the price. The price of mediumship is increased sensitiveness. You cannot accumulate wealth without paying the price, because if you do that and forget the duties of your own spirit, then you may be rich in the goods of your world but you will be very poor in my world. **''The Teachings of Silver Birch'' - Maurice Barbanell. Edited by A. W. Austen (1938). *Ours is a religion of truth.<br>We have only truth to offer, as we understand it, as it has been revealed to us and to you.<br>We may be clumsy in our attempts to express it because we, like you, are human and subject to error and imperfection.<br>But we will continue to instil into you what we regard as eternal, unbreakable, immutable, spiritual principles on which the whole of life is founded.<br> We say to you that if you live according to the spiritual laws then no real harm can ever befall you. **Silver Birch - Maurice Barbanell. == Alain de Botton == *Only a few things that any mind, however great, has ever said are likely to be of central lasting importance. * These key points are detachable from the full body of a thinker’s work. *We are forgetful, time-pressured creatures. We are liable to forget every intricacy of a complex sustained argument. So we need central messages spelt out memorably and simply. * Whatever academic culture tells us, context is not decisive. Important truths get lodged in odd places and can be extricated from them; they may lie in 3rd-century China, in an aristocratic salon in 18th-century Paris or in a small house in an alpine village in the 19th century. Yet what remains in the end is what they can do for us now. * It’s a tragic paradox that there are ways of showing reverence for the great thinkers that end up preventing them from having an impact in the world – the exact opposite of what reverence was hoping to achieve. Being a little casual with a great thinker is the biggest homage one could pay to him or her. * Our guiding concern is that great ideas should be widely known and that they should be active in our lives. **Alain de Botton. ''Great Thinkers''. London: The School of Life, 2016. == Wallace D. Wattles == *The purpose of life for man is growth, just as the purpose of life for trees and plants is growth. **Wallace D. Wattles, ''The Science of Being Well'' (1910). *The grateful mind is constantly fixed upon the best; therefore it tends to become the best; it takes the form or character of the best, and will receive the best. **Wallace D. Wattles, ''The Science of Getting Rich'' (1910). *There is never any hurry on the creative plane; and there is no lack of opportunity. **Wallace D. Wattles, ''The Science of Getting Rich'' (1910). == [[Muhammad Ali]] == *We all have the same God, we just serve him differently. Rivers, lakes, ponds, streams, oceans all have different names, but they all contain water. So do religions have different names, and they all contain truth, expressed in different ways forms and times. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a Muslim, a Christian, or a Jew. When you believe in God, you should believe that all people are part of one family. If you love God, you can’t love only some of his children. **[[Muhammad Ali]] with Hana Yasmeen Ali, ''The Soul of a Butterfly: Reflections on Life’s Journey'', Simon & Schuster (2004). *I’m the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was. **[[Muhammad Ali]] 1960s media interviews. *God gave me Parkinson’s syndrome to show me I’m not the greatest — He is. **[[Muhammad Ali]] Interview (various appearances, 1990s–2000s). *Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth. **'[[Muhammad Ali]] ''The Soul of a Butterfly'' (2004). *Don’t count the days — make the days count. **[[Muhammad Ali]] Interview (1970s). *God is watching me. God doesn’t praise me because I beat Joe Frazier… God looks at the heart. **[[Muhammad Ali]] Interview around the time of Thrilla in Manila. *A man who has no imagination has no wings. **[[Muhammad Ali]] Interview (1977). == Dr. [[Nicole LePera]] == *The only person who can save you, is you. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Nicole's SelfHealers Circe social media (9th February 2025). *Knowledge matters.<br>The mental health world has a history of gatekeeping. **[[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (May 17th 2023). *Men with an unhealed parent wound and a functional substance use issue are the most dangerous people in society. **[[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (1st February 2026). *Research shows about 15% of the population have the ability to self reflect. Even fewer have the ability to solve conflict and emotionally regulate. Don’t take people’s lack of emotional skills, personally. It’s rarely about us— even when it feels good to believe it is. Freeing yourself from taking things personally allows you to set boundaries, not drown in shame, and to stop trying to fix what you didn’t break. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (12 January 2025). *We’ve been conditioned to look for authority figures to give us permission or show us what’s right for us. The greatest authority is your own intuition. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Nicole's SelfHealers Circe social media (18th July 2025). *To heal your mind, you must also heal your gut. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Nicole's SelfHealers Circe social media (18th July 2025). *Someone needs to hear this: you can’t regulate your nervous system in a toxic relationship. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (5th June 2025). *We’re at a time in human history where people are finally educated on healing, trauma, and healthy family dynamics. Some dismiss this as “pop psychology” others will use the information to break the cycle and build the life they deserve. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (8th September 2025)/ *The best mental health intervention for children is emotionally available parents. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (11th October 2024). *When someone gives you mixed signals, what they’re actually saying is: "I don’t know myself." ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (2nd October 2024). *Normalize not making little girls hug anyone. Let them say no. Teach them it’s ok to not want to be touched, to need space, and to choose who they share affection with.<br>Let this generation stop the performance. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (30th October 2024). *People do not have an "addictive personality," they struggle to self soothe. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (2nd October 2024). *Mother Nature is the best therapist on earth. **[[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (15th September 2024). *Social media is now how a majority of people self soothe. **[[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (17th August 2024). *What’s ruining relationships these days: unrealistic expectations and unresolved childhood trauma. **[[Nicole LePera]],Official social media (12th February 2024). *Life requires vision.<br>Seeing your past clearly. Seeing who you actually are clearly. And making choices in alignment with what you want.<br>Most people are blind, sleep walking through life, making unconscious choices.<br>You have to be willing to see. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (9th November 2023). *True love is consistent. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (29th August 2024). *''Question: What do you think is the biggest problem of current millennial generation?''<br>Nicole: The same problem as every generation: lack of authentic connection to self. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (4th November 2023). *Remove people from meaning in their lives. From their families most of the day. Put them in intensely stressful financial situations where they can easily numb with processed food, alcohol, or drugs and of course people are depressed.<br> People are responding to a sick culture. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (20th July 2023). *People are waking up to the reality that our emotional health matters. Burnout isn’t something to work through. Obsessive achievement feels empty. Deep relationships, intimate moments, and shared experiences are the future.<br>We want evolution. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (3rd June 2023). *Our wounds become our demons when we refuse to acknowledge them. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (28 May 2023). *When people can’t control you, they’ll create a story about you. Take a deep breath and remember who you are. Put no energy into false narratives. The truth will one day speak for itself. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (28th May 2023). *It is manipulation. So many people think manipulation is this terrible, evil thing. It’s simply an attempt to get a need met in a dysfunctional way. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (28th May 2023). *''Question: What is your personal philosophy, in 3 words or less?''<br>Nicole: Consciously create life. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (17th May 2023). *The less you cater to a system that wants us to betray ourselves, the more people will be committed to misunderstanding you.<br>This isn’t a sign to conform.<br>It’s a sign you’re getting free. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (April 6 2023). *Bullies are typically wounded people with extremely low self worth. Healthy people who have things going on in their lives don’t bully other people. What we need in society is inspired people creating things and sharing ideas. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (4th April 2023). *We have a depressed collective because we’re not told how important it is to paint, write, and make things. Without creativity humans go into survival mode. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (June 12th 2024). == Dr. Jen Wolkin == *Sometimes, people leave because of what you stir in them, not because you’re too much. **Dr. Jen Wolkin, Official X (January 22nd 2026). == [[Rumi]] / Rūmī == *Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place. **English paraphrase of themes in the Masnavī and Dīwān-e Shams. == [[John O'Donohue]] quotes == * We were created to be creators. **[[John O'Donohue]] ''Divine Beauty: The Invisible Embrace'' (2003) *It is ironic that so often we continue to live like paupers though our inheritance of spirit is so vast. **[[John O'Donohue]] ''Benedictus – A Book of Blessings'' (2007) *One of the great modern philosophers of beauty, Immanuel Kant, spoke of the joy we take in the Beautiful as 'disinterested delight'. The animation of the Beautiful is so immediate and fulfilling that we simply enjoy it for itself; it never occurs to us to ask what purpose it serves. **[[John O'Donohue]] ''Divine Beauty: The Invisible Embrace'' (2010) * In contrast to how a child belongs in the world, adult belonging is never as natural, innocent, or playful. Adult belonging has to be chosen, received, and renewed. It is a lifetime's work. **[[John O'Donohue]] ''Eternal Echoes – Exploring Our Hunger To Belong'' (2011) == Dr. [[M. Scott Peck]] quotes == *Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled||publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1978||page=51|isbn= 978-0-7432-4315-5}} *Mental health requires that the human will submit itself to something higher than itself. To function decently in this world we must submit ourselves to some principle that takes precedence over what we might want at any given moment... even the non-religious submit themselves, whether they know it or not, to some 'higher power' - be it truth or love, the needs of others, or the demands of reality. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil||publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1983||page=218|isbn= 9780684848594}} *Radical thinkers are also independent thinkers. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 27|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} * I see no value whatsover in unconstructive suffering. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth'' (New York: Simon & Schuster / Touchstone, 1998 ed. [orig. 1978]), Part I – “Discipline,” p. 63. *It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth'' (New York: Simon & Schuster / Touchstone, 1998 ed. [orig. 1978]), Part I – “Discipline,” . *I believe that the differences between those who are actively religious or spiritual and those who are not are generally not so much random as developmental. ** M. Scott Peck, ''The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety.'' Page 248 UK edition. *Compartmentalization is not the root of all evil; it is, however, the principal psychological mechanism of evil. Deprive an evil man of his capacity to compartmentalize, and he will be like a general without an army. Or better yet, he will undergo a conversion to goodness — a conversion to integrity. **[[M. Scott Peck]] (1983). ''People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1983). *Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Do we want to teach our children to solve them? **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth'' (New York: Simon & Schuster / Touchstone, 1998 ed. [orig. 1978]), Part I – “Discipline,” . *If all the energy required to think seems troublesome, the lack of thinking causes far more trouble and conflict for ourselves as individuals and for the society in which we live. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 27|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} *The spirit of evil is one of unreality, but it itself is real. To think otherwise is to be misled. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil||publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1983||page=218|isbn= 9780684848594}} * It is important to realize that cults are a dime a dozen and that a great many businesses are cults. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=Further Along The Road Less Travelled||page= 215|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1998||page=123|isbn= 9780684847238}} * One of the major dilemmas we face both as individuals and as a society is simplistic thinking – or the failure to think at all. It is not just ''a'' problem, it is ''the'' problem. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 25|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} *Although the act of nurturing another's spiritual growth has the effect of nurturing one's own, a major characteristic of genuine love is that the distinction between oneself and the other is always maintained and preserved. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1978||page=140|isbn= 978-0-7432-4315-5}} *In any case, in Vietnam it was the extraordinary power of nationalism, not communism, that brought the United States to its knees. To oppose legitimate nationalism is to do so at our peril. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace |publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1987||page=275|isbn= 067160192X}} *My favorite definition of evil is that it is militant ignorance. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil||publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1983|page=178||isbn= 9780684848594}} *The mystery of goodness is greater than that of evil. ** [[M. Scott Peck]] ''The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety''. Page 271, Simon & Schuster (1997). *The problem of evil is perhaps the most fundamental of all human problems.<br>True community is always in a state of almost constant terror at the problem of human evil. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace |publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1987|isbn= 067160192X}} *The individual with a secular consciousness essentially thinks that he is the center of the universe. Such people tend to be quite intelligent. They know full well that they are but one of six billion human beings scratching out an existence on the surface of a medium-sized planet that is a small fragment of a tiny solar system within a galaxy among countless galaxies, and that each of those other human beings also thinks that he is the center of the universe. Consequently, intelligent though they may be, people with a secular consciousness are prone to feel a bit lost within this hugeness and, despite their "centrality," to often experience a sense of meaninglessness and insignificance.<br>The person with a sacred consciousness, on the other hand, does not think of himself as the center of the universe. For him the center resides elsewhere, specifically in God — in the Sacred. Yet despite this lack of centrality, he is actually less likely to feel himself insignificant or meaningless than the secularist is, because he sees himself existing in relationship with that Sacred Other, and it is from this relationship that he derives his meaning and significance.<br>Sometimes people fall in between, with one foot planted in sacred consciousness and the other in secular consciousness... ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 246-247|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} *You may remember that ''The Road Less Travelled'' opened with the sentence "Life is difficult." And to that great truth, I will now add another translation:<br>Life is complex. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=Further Along The Road Less Travelled||page= 215|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1993||page=13|isbn= 9780684847238}} *I want to scream this from the rooftops: ‘All symptoms are overdetermined.’ Except that I want to expand it way beyond psychiatry. I want to expand it to almost everything. I want to translate it, ‘Anything of any significance is overdetermined. Everything worth thinking about has more than one cause.’ Repeat after me: ‘For any single thing of importance, there are multiple reasons.’ … Because we assume there is a reason for everything, we go looking for ''it'' when we should be looking for ''them''. **[[M. Scott Peck]] (1997). ''The Road Less Traveled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety''. New York: Simon & Schuster, p. 22. *Yet despite all the hype with which the candidates and the press and the networks attempt to create an entertaining spectacle out of politics, we must try to remember that politics is real. It should not be the drama of images. It is the drama of reality. Millions, billions of real lives are at stake. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 232|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} *There are also, I believe, good addictions of a sort, and I have been blessed (or cursed) by one of them: an addiction to consciousness. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey Toward Spiritual Growth'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993). *In my practice as a psychotherapist, I would routinely tell my patients, "Psychotherapy is not about happiness; it is about power. If you go the whole route here, I cannot guarantee that you will leave one jot happier. What I can guarantee you is that you will leave more competent". ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 80|publisher=Simon & Schuster, UK edition |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} *Again and again all of the great religions tell us that the path away from narcissism is the path toward meaning in life. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety.'' Page 119 UK edition. *At the other end of the human spectrum from the saints lie the least free, the evil. All one can see of them is the mud. And it all looks the same. In Chapter 3 I offered a clinical, nosological description of the evil personality. It is extraordinary how well the evil fit the mould. Once you’ve seen one evil person, you’ve essentially seen them all. Even psychotics, whom we are accustomed to thinking of as the most seriously deranged, are more interesting. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil'' (1983). Page 304 (UK edition). *Among the reasons that the Oedipus complex is so important in psychiatry is that adults who have failed to resolve it usually have great difficulty in accomplishing many of the renunciations required for successful adult adjustments. They still have not learned that they cannot have their cake and eat it too. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil'' (1983). Page 176 (UK edition). == [[Barry Long]] == *You are only as intelligent as what your intelligence reflects on – in other words, what your intelligence loves most determines how intelligent you are. **Public talk, [https://www.facebook.com/BarryLongQuotes Covered here on Facebook]. *If you follow anything, you will not be intelligent. **Public talk, [https://www.facebook.com/BarryLongQuotes Covered here on Facebook]. *Meditation is the art of entering your own unconscious. **''Meditation: A Foundation Course.'' *Worry is the penalty for imagining that thinking is harmless. **''Only Fear Dies.'' *There’s no truth in the past whatever. But it is normal to think that there’s truth in the past. So all human beings worship the past, or are fixated on the past, and that’s all right, because being human, there are different strata of intelligence, or what would be called consciousness of being human.<br>Why do you believe in anything? Why? Because you are so unhappy and so unsure of the truth, so unenlightened, that you have to believe in something like leaning against a lamp post when you’re drunk.<br>Do you need to believe in anything to breathe? What is this nonsense of belief? It is the bondage of the human race.<br>Enjoy your senses; the beauty of the evening through your senses. You don’t have to believe anything to enjoy walking around, do you?<br>All the priests write all the religious stories. Priests, modern priests as well as ancient priests, all miss the point of the master who says, "I am the temple". **Public talk, [https://www.facebook.com/BarryLongQuotes Covered here on Facebook]. *Love is a power, a mighty principle that exists in its own right independent of any individual. Man changes, but the principle of love does not and cannot.<br>Love does not leave men and women. Men and women leave love. **''Knowing Yourself'', Chapter ''Love and Desire'' (1969). *Truth and God are depthless and timeless and those who love them develop the same qualities. **''Knowing Yourself'', Chapter ''Love and Desire'' (1969). *"... when the air or love moves of its own accord it is a hurricane that drives all before it.<br>The understanding of love comes with the knowledge that you are nothing. The greatest purity is nothing or nothingness — no thinking, no desiring, no imagining. You are then one with the moment and the great movement of life so nothing can happen that is not right. Every moment is perfect and everything that happens is eternally just. **''Knowing Yourself'', Chapter ''Love and Desire'' (1969). == Edward Mannix == *Spiritual people must sometimes be spiritual warriors. ** {{cite book|author=Edward Mannix|title=Reinventing Truth||publisher=CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform |year=2011|isbn= 1456579452}} == [[Sadhguru]] == *Without the necessary energy, being aware is extremely difficult. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *Human beings who do not break their self-created boundaries will remain trapped in them. ** [[Sadhguru]], Daily Quote - Isha Foundation website (February 13 2017). *Prejudice is poison, fed to us from an early age by our families, religions and societies. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *There is no need to aspire to greatness. If you go beyond concerns of 'what about me,' you will anyway be a great human being. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *Jesus said, “The kingdom of God is within you.” Yoga is about experiencing it. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2014). *Success will come easy once you function at your full potential. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *The important thing is not that people love you but that you are loving. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2018). *The best thing you can do for your family, your children, society, and the world around you is to enhance yourself. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *Life is about Consciousness – not concerns, compulsions, or conflict. May the coming months bring the profoundness of human existence that leads to a blissful life. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *If somebody is hurting and it does not hurt you at all, that means you have forsaken your humanity. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2025). *When people live together without understanding each other, their survival instinct turns everything into a fight. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2018). *When you are able to create yourself the way you want, you can craft your Destiny the way you want as well. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2025). *If you have any Love in your heart for your children, the best thing you can do is not to teach them, but to work upon yourself. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2026). *Education should not be about molding children the way you want them, but about supporting their natural longing to know and blossom. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2020). *Genius is not individual. Genius is that dimension of life which is the source of creation which is there in a seed form in every human being. Whether we will create the atmosphere to unlock that or we will keep it supressed, is what the parents can do or not do. Please in some way let their (children) genius unfold. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2025). *The present is the only place that you can be. If you live, you live in this moment. If you die, you die in this moment. This moment is eternity. **[[Sadhguru]], ''Inner Engineering: A Yogi's Guide to Joy'', New York: Spiegel & Grau (2016) and social media. == [[Gary Zukav]] == *Lakota wisdom declares that the center of the universe is everywhere.<br>That is correct.<br> The center of the universe is in you.<br>It is in me.<br> **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2025). *Creating authentic power transforms you from a victim in your life to ''a creator of your life''. **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2023). *Authentic power is the alignment of the personality with the soul. **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2018) also stated in his book The Seat of the Soul. *The creation of authentic power requires that you distinguish between your artificial needs and your authentic needs. **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2018). *As you become authentically powerful, you become the authority in your life. **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2021). *Authentic power is a potential. To bring it into being, you have work to do. **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2022). == Hazrat Ali / Ali bin Abi Talib == *''«قِلَّةُ الشُّكْرِ زَوَالُ النِّعْمَةِ».'' *Being ungrateful for a blessing causes it to be taken away. ** [[Ali]], Nahj al-Balagha. == Dr. [[Carl Jung]] == *''Wir dürfen jedoch nicht vergessen, daß nur sehr wenige Menschen Künstler im Leben sind; daß die Lebenskunst die vornehmste und seltenste aller Künste ist''. *But we must not forget that only a very few people are artists in life; that the art of life is the most distinguished and rarest of all the arts. ** [[Carl Jung]] ''Modern Man in Search of a Soul'' (1931) *It occurred to him (Carl Jung) that it was perhaps no accident that we traditionally referred to alcoholic drinks as ‘spirits’, and that perhaps alcoholics were people who had a greater thirst for the spirit than others, and that perhaps alcoholism was a spiritual disorder or, better yet, a spiritual condition. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey Toward Spiritual Growth''. New York: Simon & Schuster (Touchstone), (1993). Section where Peck discusses Carl Jung and the origins of Alcoholics Anonymous – page number depends on edition.) *''Solange der Schatten nicht bewusst gemacht wird, wird er projiziert, und der Mensch verurteilt im Anderen, was er in sich selbst nicht erkennen will.'' *If the shadow is not made conscious, it is projected; and the individual then lives below his own level, judging others instead of himself. **[[Carl Jung]], Aion. Beiträge zur Symbolik des Selbst (1951) / Aion, Collected Works, Vol. 9ii, 126. *''Der Mensch tut alles, wie absurd es auch sein mag, um ja nicht seiner eigenen Seele ins Auge zu sehen.'' *People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. **[[Carl Jung]], Psychologie und Alchemie (1944). The original sentence in German is a bit different than the English translation. *''Der höchste Sinn ist ein Weg, ein Weg und eine Brücke zu dem, was kommt.…''<br>''Der höchste Sinn ist die höchste Wahrheit, und die höchste Wahrheit ist eins und dasselbe mit dem Unsinn''. *Supreme meaning is a path, a way and a bridge to what is to come. …<br>The supreme meaning is the highest truth, and the highest truth is one and the same with nonsense. ** [[Carl Jung]] ''The Red Book'' Liber Novus (1933). == [[Jiddu Krishnamurti]] == *Nobody listened to him (the Buddha); that is why there is Buddhism. **[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]], ''The Way of Intelligence'', Part 3 – “In Listening Is Transformation”. Krishnamurti Foundation text, hosted at HolyBooks page 54 (1985). *Experience is not the measure of truth. Awareness of the false as the false is the freedom of truth. **[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]], ''Commentaries on Living: First Series'' (Wheaton, IL: Theosophical Publishing House / Quest Books), “Cause and Effect,” p. 152 (1956). *Leaders destroy the followers and followers destroy the leaders. You have to be your own teacher and your own disciple. **[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]], ''Freedom from the Known'' (1969). *It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. **[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]], ''The Book of Life'', Editor Mary Lutyens, Penguin (2007). == Fintan O'Toole == * Too many journalists, fixated as they are on today's events, have a weak sense of history. ** Fintan O'Toole, ''The Irish Times'' (2023). * Fandom and journalism make bad bedfellows. ** Fintan O'Toole, ''The Irish Times'' (2023) *Maybe the penny will finally drop ... that the best case for a united Ireland is a State that proves itself capable of making the island one of the best places in the world, not just to invest, but to live and work. What might attract a corporate board in California and a skilled worker from Spain just might do the same for a Protestant in Ballymena. **Fintan O'Toole, ''The Irish Times'', 2023 *Brute force ... does not go well with ignorance. **Fintan O'Toole, ''The Irish Times'' (2022) *By 1948, the year Ireland became a republic, both Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael "claimed as a priority the revival of the Irish language as the vernacular of the people – and both equally did nothing to stop the death of Irish-speaking communities like that on the Blaskets". **Fintan O'Toole, ''We Don't Know Ourselves'', page 3 (2021). == [[Muhammad Yunus]] == *... Culture is useless unless it is constantly challenged by counter culture. People create culture; culture creates people. It is a two-way street. When people hide behind a culture, you know that's a dead culture. ** [[Muhammad Yunus]], Quote from website. == [[Gabor Maté]] == *In all countries with a colonial legacy, the questions we must ask are straightforward. How do societies move to heal the multigenerational trauma that drives the misery of many Native communities? What can be done to undo the dynamics our past has dictated? Some may balk at such inquriry, fearing the discomfort that comes with guilt. In truth, this is not a matter of communal guilt, but of communal responsibility. It is not about the past. It is about the present. And it is about all of us: when some among us suffer, ultimately we all do. **[[Gabor Maté]] I''n the Realm of Hungry Ghosts'', Introduction (2018). == Sarah Carey == *Both (Eoghan) Daltun and (Ray) Ó Foghlú argue that we consider barren mountain a normal part of the Irish landscape. It isn’t. The mountains should be covered in rainforest. **Sarah Carey, ''The Irish Independent'' (2023) *I conducted a little survey of government websites. I asked for page view numbers for English and Irish versions for some pages I picked at random.<br>All figures are for January 2025.<br> A HSE page about treating Covid-19 symptoms at home had 5,274 views in English and 23 in Irish.<br>A Department of Health page on the menopause had 337 views in English and four in Irish.<br> A Department of Social Welfare page about the fuel allowance for pensioners was viewed 13,892 times in English and twice in Irish.<br>A Department of Education page on guidelines for school designs had 1,007 views in English and two in Irish. **Sarah Carey, ''The Irish Independent'' (2025)[https://www.independent.ie/opinion/comment/sarah-carey-i-say-nil-to-nativism-bureaucratic-box-ticking-with-the-irish-language-only-embeds-discrimination/a272809837.html]. *Will we – as I think we should – abolish all school patronage, or does everyone get to keep their preferred social and educational ghettos? **Sarah Carey, ''The Irish Independent'' (2025) [https://www.independent.ie/opinion/comment/sarah-carey-there-is-a-rational-debate-to-be-had-on-a-united-ireland-if-we-can-rise-above-emotive-tribalism/a1876293081.html]. == [[Peter Schiff]] == *People today – even poor people – live a much more opulent life than wealthier people hundreds of years ago... The vast majority of people lived in squalor for centuries, for thouands and thousands of years really until the 19th century. That is where we started to get all the inventions. **[[Peter Schiff]], Interview with Shannon Joy on her [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7km6H2p_EQ podcast (December 2025)]. *When I talk about an AI bubble, I am not saying that there isn’t potential in artificial intelligence. In fact, I think there’s tremendous potential. I think there’s probably more potential there than in anything I’ve seen... I think that AI could be the most transformative invention as far as lifting the standard of living of all of humanity. **[[Peter Schiff]], ''The Peter Schiff Show'' (SchiffGold podcast) - Video "Bubbles Pop Everywhere" 21 November (2025). == Dr. Margaret Kennedy == *Think about this ... Your daughter and every young woman coming behind you are building their self worth algorithm from your data.<br>We underestimate how early conditioning teaches girls to shrink. Not deliberately. Not maliciously. Just quietly, through years of small expectations they learn to meet.<br>In WiLD (Women in Leadership Development) we see the impact of this gendered conditioning every year. Brilliant women arriving already capable yet doubting their readiness or questioning whether they belong in bigger roles. However, once they see the conditioning for what it is, the shift is remarkable.<br>The cost isn’t humility. The cost is the quiet frustration and sometimes anger carried by women who have been overlooked and underestimated for far too long.<br> This is why the work matters.<br> **Margaret Kennedy PhD, Linkedin[https://www.linkedin.com/posts/dr-margaret-kennedy_my-daughters-daycare-teacher-pulled-me-aside-activity-7403406042966941696-O0Ro?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop&rcm=ACoAAAUEHmgBXQKDIFGeNUENSxZJ5SH-U72wJ4g] (2025). == Penelope Quest == *The term Reiki Master was a rough translation of Sensei, meaning respected teacher. In reality, no one can 'master' Reiki, because it is a divine energy, so in essence being a 'Reiki Master' means following a spiritual path towards self-mastery; this can be a physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually demanding healing journey, although of course it can also be very rewarding. ** {{cite book|author=Penelope Quest|title=Self-Healing with Reiki- How to Create Wholeness, Harmony & Balance for Body, Mind & Spirit|publisher=Piatkus |year=2003|isbn= 978-0749929725 }} == Pádraig Ó Cuanacháin == * ''Tá léarscáileanna sa teanga dhúchais ar fáil i ngach tír a bhfuil féinmheas acu orthu féin.'' ** Translation: Every self-respecting country has their own language on their maps. **Pádraig Ó Cuanacháin, Gael-Taca – Quoted in English in ''The Sunday Times'' (Ireland) in 2005. * ''An t-aon fhadhb atá agamsa ná easpa tuisceanna i measc na heagraíochtaí Gaeilge mar gheall ar thábhacht cúrsaí margaíochta.'' ** Translation: The only problem I have is the lack of understanding among the Irish-language organisations regarding the importance of marketing. **Pádraig Ó Cuanacháin, Gael-Taca – Speaking on ''RTÉ Raidió na Gaeltachta'' in 2007[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZmtiHzY4DA]. *Viewing the more traditional Irish language revival organisations as too narrow and conservative, he felt they had failed to sell Irish to people at grassroots level. ** Obituary in ''The Irish Times'' about Pádraig Ó Cuanacháin a few months after his death in 2008[https://www.irishtimes.com/news/a-passionate-yet-pragmatic-crusader-for-the-irish-language-1.910356]. == J.J. Lee == *The failure, however, did not lie mainly in the schools. It was the blatant failure of the state itself to devise arrangements for the subsequent use of the language that largely discredited compulsory Irish. The children were given no incentive to master Irish as a living language, only as a dead one. The charade of Irish language tests for public employment, when everybody knew the language would hardly ever be used again, the whole fetid system of favouritism associated with language knowledge, as distinct from language use, inevitably left its mark, stamping the most idealistic and most important task undertaken by the new state as yet one more sleazy political racket. Genuine language lovers who ‘loathed the way that the politicians, the pedagogues, the urbanised peasants had sucked the life and beauty from it’ were brushed aside. **J. J. Lee, ''Ireland: 1912–1985 – Politics and Society'' (Cambridge University Press, 1989), p. 670. == Neale Donald Walsch == *The most loving person is the person who is Self-centered. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1'' Chapter 8 (1995). *You can have anything you want in life, but you cannot have everything you want. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1'' (1995). *Life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1''. Chapter 11, page 26-27 (1995). *The reason for your soul's having come to the body is to evolve. That is, to become a grander and grander version of itself.<br>This is the purpose of your life on earth, and of life everywhere. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''The New Revelations'', page 152 (2002). *By that which you call evil do you define yourself – and by that which you call good. The biggest evil would therefore be to declare nothing evil at all. ** Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversation with God: Book One'' (1996). *A lot of people are going to want you to ''think'' that you are your yesterdays. In fact, some people are going to ''insist'' that you be. They will do this because they have a big investment in your continuing to show up that way. For one thing, they can then be "right" about you. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Friendship with God: An Uncommon Dialogue'' Chapter 8 (1999). *The moment you declare anything, everything unlike it will come into your experience. This is the Law of Opposites. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1''. Chapter 4, page 28-38 depending on edition (1995). *The problem in the world today is not that we do not have enough rules; it is that we do not have enough values. **{{cite book|author[Neale Donald Walsch|title=Conversations with God – Book 3||publisher=Hampton Roads Publishing Company |year=1998||isbn= 978-1571741035}} *Life is not about you. It’s about everyone whose life you touch, and the way in which you touch it. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1'' (1995). *Nothing of value is ever lost. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1'' (1995). *You will be both worshiped and reviled, elevated and denigrated, honored and crucified. **{{cite book|author[Neale Donald Walsch|title=Conversations with God – Book 3||publisher=Hampton Roads Publishing Company |year=1998||isbn= 978-1571741035}} == Michelle Paisley Reed == *Picture, then allow. **Michelle Paisley Reed, The Power of 10 (2020). [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxYAI95H5o Near FM]. *If you want money, what you really want is freedom. And so, rightfully affirm that in Spirit, you are always free. And watch how examples of freedom — and, yes, money, but also inspiration and travel, creative opportunities and adventure — show up for you! **Michelle Paisley Reed, The Power of 10 (2020). [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxYAI95H5o Near FM]. *Learn from your children. They have more to teach you than you them. Learn to come together. **Michelle Paisley Reed, The Power of 10 (2020). [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxYAI95H5o Near FM]. *There is hope because with each evolving generation they are more intuitive, more filled with the light.<br>There is such a thing as evolution spiritually, physically, on every level. **Michelle Paisley Reed, The Power of 10 (2020). [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxYAI95H5o Near FM]. ''Question - According to The Power of 10 the law of attraction is not actually a law as we think of as humans, even in the spirt world is it?'' *Words are powerful, right? Abraham says that. Lots of people do. Your thoughts become words which carry a vibration which materialise into form. And so when we say "law" what do we think of as humans? We think it's a rule that must be followed, and there is some negative charge to that. No! And some people appreciate that. And, yet, what they're saying is: the attraction just is. ... It is attraction, it is not just the law of attraction. It just is. When you channel you're finding the essence of what the message is. And words are imperfect as well, right? They are manmade. ... When we channel - whether it is Abraham or The Power of 10 or whoever is channeling they're coming through ... and they are using my body vehicle to find those words that will most capture the essence for the most amount of people... Early on thirty years ago of course people understand the word "law" but I think it's evolving ... Words limit and they carry a vibration like anything else. **Michelle Paisley Reed (2019) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkbvStTXkD0 Near FM.]. == Deidré Wallace == * In order to understand relationships you need to understand Sigmund Freud's Oedipus complex. ** Deidré Wallace, [https://darrenjprior.blogspot.com/2016/12/deidre-wallace-15.html?max-results=100 Official social media (2016)]. *The same applies to racism. We are all racists to some degree. Denying this only buries the issues.<br>As I always say to all those who know me, ‘One way of keeping our racism in check is by mixing with people of all colours, all cultures, all races and creed’.<br>This is why I chose to live in a multi-cultural area of London and this is why I enjoy travelling to places that expand my horizons as this helps me understand others better. **Deidré Wallace [https://relationshipsdw.medium.com/i-am-not-racist-92a398442a42 (2016)]. == [[Albert Einstein]] == *''Ich lebe in jener Einsamkeit, die in der Jugend schmerzlich, aber in den Jahren der Reife köstlich ist.'' *I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity. **[[Albert Einstein]], First published in German in ''Mein Glaubensbekenntnis'' in 1932. *''Die großen sittlichen Lehrer der Menschheit waren in gewissem Sinne mehr Genies der Lebenskunst als der Denkkunst''. *Great moral teachers of humanity were, in a certain sense, geniuses in the art of living more than in the art of thinking. **[[Albert Einstein]], Essays on religion and ethics (German originals, late 1920s–1932), later collected in ''Mein Weltbild'' and translated in the book ''Ideas and Opinions''. == Bob Proctor == *We're not made for working, we're made for creating. **Bob Proctor, [https://darrenjprior.blogspot.com/2021/06/bob-proctor-16.html?max-results=100 Official social media] (2021). *We create our tomorrows by what we dream today. **Bot Proctor, [https://darrenjprior.blogspot.com/2021/03/bob-proctor-13.html?max-results=100 Official social media] (2021). *The absence of good habits can be just as destructive as a bad habit.<br>Create the habit of study into your everyday life. ** Bob Proctor, [https://darrenjprior.blogspot.com/2025/01/bob-proctor-40.html?max-results=100 Official social media] (2025). == Lillian Glass == *Toxic people get their power from your reaction.<br>They feed on your anger and fear.<br> They thrive on guilt.<br >If you remain calm and refuse to react, you cut off their supply of energy.<br> **Lillian Glass — ''Toxic People: 10 Ways of Dealing with People Who Make Your Life Miserable'' ''Chapter 3: “Recognizing Energy Vampires" page 45-46'' (1995) == Denis O'Brien == * (The Irish State is) “complicit in facilitating global tax avoidance” ... "This is perfectly legal and within OECD rules. But the question is: is it acceptable? It is modern day digital colonialism.<br>The system is contributing to gross inequality and is the main reason why African immigrants take huge risks in dinghies to reach rich European countries. **Denis O’Brien (2025), part of speech quoted in ''The Irish Times'', [11 November 2025], talking about the Irish State's alleged complicity in global tax avoidance by large US technology companies in Africa and other countries[https://www.irishtimes.com/business/2025/11/11/irelands-graduates-entitled-and-tax-regime-digital-colonialism-denis-obrien/?fbclid=IwY2xjawOAlrxleHRuA2FlbQIxMABicmlkETA1SlFpNHNPMk44aFQ2Qjc0c3J0YwZhcHBfaWQQMjIyMDM5MTc4ODIwMDg5MgABHmRkreRtHd4NxXNl3Fmzd3ds_gfO5YEfCLamMxlZkjCQX3pO7lf8ZZXjlNHq_aem_myHRYL4Y9fsltWrvJVOsPw]. == Dennis Tourish == *Cults prey upon our aversion to uncertainty. **Dennis Tourish (2003). Book - ''On the Edge: Political Cults Right and Left - Chapter - “Ideological Intransigence, Democratic Centralism and Cultism: A Case Study - The CWI''”. Original article - ''What Next?'' (magazine) No. 27[https://www.whatnextjournal.org.uk/Pages/Back/Wnext27/Cults.html]. *A central tenet of Trotskyist politics is its insistence that a "vanguard party" is required to guide the working class to power. **Dennis Tourish (2003). Book - ''On the Edge: Political Cults Right and Left - Chapter - “Ideological Intransigence, Democratic Centralism and Cultism: A Case Study - The CWI''”. Original article - ''What Next?'' (magazine) No. 27[https://www.whatnextjournal.org.uk/Pages/Back/Wnext27/Cults.html]. == [[Anthony de Mello]] == *The one who would be constant in happiness must frequently change. **Anthony de Mello, ''The Way to Love'' (1991). *Almost every negative emotion you experience is the direct outcome of of an attachment. **Anthony de Mello, ''The Way to Love'' (1991). *Spirituality means waking up. **Anthony de Mello, ''Awareness'' (1992). *There is nothing more practical than spirituality. **Anthony de Mello, ''Awareness'' (1992). *We never feel grief when we lose something that we have allowed to be free, that we have never attempted to possess. Grief is a sign that I made happiness depend on this thing or a person, at least to some extent. We’re so accustomed to hear the opposite of this that what I say sounds inhuman, doesn’t it? **Anthony de Mello, ''Awareness'' (1992). *Do you know one sign that you’ve woken up? It’s when you are asking yourself, ‘Am I crazy, or are all of them crazy?’ … Because we are crazy. The whole world is crazy. Certifiable lunatics! The only reason we’re not locked up in an institution is that there are so many of us. So we’re crazy. **Anthony de Mello, ''Awareness'' (1992). *So, the idea is, unfortunately, that God’s grace is available to everyone.<br>The tragedy of the human race is not that there is a shortage of God’s grace; it’s that there’s a shortage of proper understanding.<br>We got wrong ideas that need to be corrected.<br> **Anthony de Mello, ''Awareness'' (1992). == [[Kahlil Gibran]] == *Yesterday’s wisdom is today’s folly, and today’s wisdom will be tomorrow’s folly. **[[Kahlil Gibran]], ''Sand and Foam'' (1926). == Vincent Browne == *Is there such a thing as responsible gambling? **Vincent Browne, Twitter (now X) social media (2018). == Dr. Ciara Kelly == *But within the far left — which is never dissected or seen as a societal threat in the way the far right is, despite them having an equally scant regard for democracy — there are many who believe people should be allowed to break the rule of law, seize property and claim it as their own, in flagrant disregard for other people’s assets, values or constitutional rights.<br>So ask yourself, are you too hoping for class warfare? **Dr. Ciara Kelly, ''The Irish Independent'' (2023). == Eckhart Tolle == *The secret of life is to ‘die before you die’ — and find that there is no death. **[[Eckhart Tolle]], he Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Namaste Publishing (1997). == Kathy Sheridan == *Somewhere between the bank bailout and the election of Trump, incontinent rage and aggression became normalised. **Kathy Sheridan, ''The Irish Times'' (2023)[https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/2023/01/25/kathy-sheridan-we-live-in-an-age-of-free-range-anger/]. == [[Oprah Winfrey]] == *Ask yourself today, in the middle of your complicated, demanding, chaotic life: What do I want my legacy to be? And then start living from that intention. **[[Oprah Winfrey]], Book ''The Path Made Clear'', Flatiron Books (2019). == Naval Ravikant == *The goal of media is to make every problem, your problem. **Official social media (2020)[https://x.com/naval/status/1310306039481262081?s=20]. == [[Simone Weil]] == *Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring.<br>Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating. **''Gravity and Grace'' (1947). == Allen Carr == *I used to claim there's more to life than feeling fit; there's booze and tobacco. That's nonsense. When you feel physcially and mentally strong you can enjoy the highs and handle the lows. We confuse responsibility with stress. Responsibility becomes stressful only when you don't feel strong enough to handle it. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 135. *Smoking is not a habit or a pleasure. It is drug addiction and a disease. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 136. *Heroin kills a few hundred people a year in the UK. Nicotine kills over 110,000 a year and 4 million a year worldwide. It's already killed more people on this planet than all the wars of history combined. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 139. *... The whole business of smoking is a subtle, sinister trap. The main problem of stopping isn't the chemical addiction but the brainwashing ... **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 147. *It took me a long time to work out why it had been so easy and why this time I hadn't suffered those terrifying withdrawal pangs. The reason is that they do not exist. It is the doubt and uncertainty that cause the pangs. The beautiful truth is: IT IS EASY TO STOP SMOKING. It is only the indecision and moping about it that make it difficult. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 149-150. *The whole business of smoking is like a confidence trick on a gigantic scale. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 152. *Smokers ... are drug addicts. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 157. == [[Proverbs]] == *''Tír gan teanga, trí gan anam''. **Irish language proverb. Translates directly to English as "A country without a language, a country without a soul." *''Is fearr an tsláinte ná na táinte''. **Irish language proverb. Translates to English as "Health is better than wealth". * ''An áit a bhfuil do chroí is ann a thabharfas do chosa''. **Irish language proverb. Translates to English as "Your feet will bring you to where your heart is". *A man who uses force is afraid of reasoning. **Kenyan proverb. *Teamwork without coordination leads to confusion. **African proverb. *A child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. **African proverb. *A wise man fills his brains before emptying his mouth. **Kenyan proverb. == Quotes with unverified original sources, paraphrases and possible paraphrases == *An intellectual is a person who has found something more interesting than sex. **Quote usually attributed to [[Aldous Huxley]] - but there is no solid evidence he ever said or wrote it according to ChatGPT. *Our greatest strength lies in the gentleness and tenderness of our heart. **Quote often attributed to [[Rumi]] - but no definite source located according to ChatGPT. *There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in. **Quote often attributed to [[Desmond Tutu]] - no definite original source located according to ChatGPT. *He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life. **Quote often attributed to [[Muhammad Ali]] - no definite original source located according to ChatGPT. *What you’re thinking is what you’re becoming. **Quote often attributed to [[Muhammad Ali]] - no definite original source located according to ChatGPT although verions of the same existed long before Muhammad is reported to have said it. *When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago. **Commonly attributed to [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], but the original source in his writings is uncertain according to ChatGPT. *The far left doesn’t believe their own propaganda. The far right does believe theirs. **Quote often attributed to [[George Orwell]] but according to ChatGPT he didn't say/write these exact words. *Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes. **Quote often attributed to [[Stephen Colbert]] - no definite original source located according to ChatGPT. *You're crazy to everyone who can't manipulate you. **Original source of quote unknown. *Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s oblivion. **Possible paraphrase usually attributed to [[Philip Wylie]] according to ChatGPT. *All evil done by someone sticks to his or her own body. **Paraphrase of ancient teachings. *Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. **Often attributed to [[Leonardo da Vinci]] (no verified source). *Free speech isn't free. **Original source of quote unknown. *If only you know how quickly people forget you once you die, you will stop living to impress people and start living to please God. **Original source of quote unknown. ==External links== * [https://darrenjprior.blogspot.com/ Darren J. Prior blog – on Blogger] * [https://www.youtube.com/@DarrenJPrior-CurrentYTChannel/ Darren J. Prior – Youtube channel] * [https://www.facebook.com/MScottPeckMDQuotes M. Scott Peck Quotes and Tribute Page – DJP (Facebook) ] b45vjcw2ahxl96gdvc2y3f31q73l7e0 3955231 3955211 2026-06-22T06:27:05Z Darren J. Prior 2119029 /* Jiddu Krishnamurti */ Adding another Jiddu Krishnamurti quote 3955231 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Darren J. Prior, Malin Head Cionn Mhálanna (2024) (cropped).jpg|thumb|300px|Malin Head, Co. Donegal (2024)]] [[File:Spiral triskelion many windings.svg|thumb|right|250px|Celtic triple spiral symbol]] == About me== I have an undergraduate Higher Diploma and a BA in Journalism. I am involved with Near FM and work in the Community, Voluntary and Development Sectors in general. While I am based in Dublin I cover a lot of national and international issues and interview people from across Ireland and not infrequently people based outside the country too. Hansfield, Clonsilla, Dublin 15, Ireland. Páirc Hans, Cluain Saileach, Baile Átha Cliath 15, Éire. *Wikipedia – [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Darren_J._Prior Darren J. Prior] (I am rarely active on Wikipedia). *Vicipéid – [https://ga.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%9As%C3%A1ideoir:Darren_J._Prior Darren J. Prior] The Irish-language version of Wikipedia. *Wikimedia Commons – [https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Darren_J._Prior Darren J. Prior] Photos and some podcasts. == Pages I have started on Wikiquote (2024-2026): == *[[Nicole LePera]] – *[[Irish language]] – *[[John O'Donohue]] – *[[M. Scott Peck]] – == Quotes added below: == == Silver Birch == *Your history books tell you that there have been those from the lowest of the low, the poorest of the poor, who have lived the law and it has not failed them. You must not point to those who do not try it and ask why it does not work.<br>I will tell you another law. There is nothing you can have in the world of matter without you pay the price. The price of mediumship is increased sensitiveness. You cannot accumulate wealth without paying the price, because if you do that and forget the duties of your own spirit, then you may be rich in the goods of your world but you will be very poor in my world. **''The Teachings of Silver Birch'' - Maurice Barbanell. Edited by A. W. Austen (1938). *Ours is a religion of truth.<br>We have only truth to offer, as we understand it, as it has been revealed to us and to you.<br>We may be clumsy in our attempts to express it because we, like you, are human and subject to error and imperfection.<br>But we will continue to instil into you what we regard as eternal, unbreakable, immutable, spiritual principles on which the whole of life is founded.<br> We say to you that if you live according to the spiritual laws then no real harm can ever befall you. **Silver Birch - Maurice Barbanell. == Alain de Botton == *Only a few things that any mind, however great, has ever said are likely to be of central lasting importance. * These key points are detachable from the full body of a thinker’s work. *We are forgetful, time-pressured creatures. We are liable to forget every intricacy of a complex sustained argument. So we need central messages spelt out memorably and simply. * Whatever academic culture tells us, context is not decisive. Important truths get lodged in odd places and can be extricated from them; they may lie in 3rd-century China, in an aristocratic salon in 18th-century Paris or in a small house in an alpine village in the 19th century. Yet what remains in the end is what they can do for us now. * It’s a tragic paradox that there are ways of showing reverence for the great thinkers that end up preventing them from having an impact in the world – the exact opposite of what reverence was hoping to achieve. Being a little casual with a great thinker is the biggest homage one could pay to him or her. * Our guiding concern is that great ideas should be widely known and that they should be active in our lives. **Alain de Botton. ''Great Thinkers''. London: The School of Life, 2016. == Wallace D. Wattles == *The purpose of life for man is growth, just as the purpose of life for trees and plants is growth. **Wallace D. Wattles, ''The Science of Being Well'' (1910). *The grateful mind is constantly fixed upon the best; therefore it tends to become the best; it takes the form or character of the best, and will receive the best. **Wallace D. Wattles, ''The Science of Getting Rich'' (1910). *There is never any hurry on the creative plane; and there is no lack of opportunity. **Wallace D. Wattles, ''The Science of Getting Rich'' (1910). == [[Muhammad Ali]] == *We all have the same God, we just serve him differently. Rivers, lakes, ponds, streams, oceans all have different names, but they all contain water. So do religions have different names, and they all contain truth, expressed in different ways forms and times. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a Muslim, a Christian, or a Jew. When you believe in God, you should believe that all people are part of one family. If you love God, you can’t love only some of his children. **[[Muhammad Ali]] with Hana Yasmeen Ali, ''The Soul of a Butterfly: Reflections on Life’s Journey'', Simon & Schuster (2004). *I’m the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was. **[[Muhammad Ali]] 1960s media interviews. *God gave me Parkinson’s syndrome to show me I’m not the greatest — He is. **[[Muhammad Ali]] Interview (various appearances, 1990s–2000s). *Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth. **'[[Muhammad Ali]] ''The Soul of a Butterfly'' (2004). *Don’t count the days — make the days count. **[[Muhammad Ali]] Interview (1970s). *God is watching me. God doesn’t praise me because I beat Joe Frazier… God looks at the heart. **[[Muhammad Ali]] Interview around the time of Thrilla in Manila. *A man who has no imagination has no wings. **[[Muhammad Ali]] Interview (1977). == Dr. [[Nicole LePera]] == *The only person who can save you, is you. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Nicole's SelfHealers Circe social media (9th February 2025). *Knowledge matters.<br>The mental health world has a history of gatekeeping. **[[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (May 17th 2023). *Men with an unhealed parent wound and a functional substance use issue are the most dangerous people in society. **[[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (1st February 2026). *Research shows about 15% of the population have the ability to self reflect. Even fewer have the ability to solve conflict and emotionally regulate. Don’t take people’s lack of emotional skills, personally. It’s rarely about us— even when it feels good to believe it is. Freeing yourself from taking things personally allows you to set boundaries, not drown in shame, and to stop trying to fix what you didn’t break. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (12 January 2025). *We’ve been conditioned to look for authority figures to give us permission or show us what’s right for us. The greatest authority is your own intuition. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Nicole's SelfHealers Circe social media (18th July 2025). *To heal your mind, you must also heal your gut. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Nicole's SelfHealers Circe social media (18th July 2025). *Someone needs to hear this: you can’t regulate your nervous system in a toxic relationship. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (5th June 2025). *We’re at a time in human history where people are finally educated on healing, trauma, and healthy family dynamics. Some dismiss this as “pop psychology” others will use the information to break the cycle and build the life they deserve. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (8th September 2025)/ *The best mental health intervention for children is emotionally available parents. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (11th October 2024). *When someone gives you mixed signals, what they’re actually saying is: "I don’t know myself." ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (2nd October 2024). *Normalize not making little girls hug anyone. Let them say no. Teach them it’s ok to not want to be touched, to need space, and to choose who they share affection with.<br>Let this generation stop the performance. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (30th October 2024). *People do not have an "addictive personality," they struggle to self soothe. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (2nd October 2024). *Mother Nature is the best therapist on earth. **[[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (15th September 2024). *Social media is now how a majority of people self soothe. **[[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (17th August 2024). *What’s ruining relationships these days: unrealistic expectations and unresolved childhood trauma. **[[Nicole LePera]],Official social media (12th February 2024). *Life requires vision.<br>Seeing your past clearly. Seeing who you actually are clearly. And making choices in alignment with what you want.<br>Most people are blind, sleep walking through life, making unconscious choices.<br>You have to be willing to see. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (9th November 2023). *True love is consistent. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (29th August 2024). *''Question: What do you think is the biggest problem of current millennial generation?''<br>Nicole: The same problem as every generation: lack of authentic connection to self. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (4th November 2023). *Remove people from meaning in their lives. From their families most of the day. Put them in intensely stressful financial situations where they can easily numb with processed food, alcohol, or drugs and of course people are depressed.<br> People are responding to a sick culture. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (20th July 2023). *People are waking up to the reality that our emotional health matters. Burnout isn’t something to work through. Obsessive achievement feels empty. Deep relationships, intimate moments, and shared experiences are the future.<br>We want evolution. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (3rd June 2023). *Our wounds become our demons when we refuse to acknowledge them. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (28 May 2023). *When people can’t control you, they’ll create a story about you. Take a deep breath and remember who you are. Put no energy into false narratives. The truth will one day speak for itself. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (28th May 2023). *It is manipulation. So many people think manipulation is this terrible, evil thing. It’s simply an attempt to get a need met in a dysfunctional way. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (28th May 2023). *''Question: What is your personal philosophy, in 3 words or less?''<br>Nicole: Consciously create life. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (17th May 2023). *The less you cater to a system that wants us to betray ourselves, the more people will be committed to misunderstanding you.<br>This isn’t a sign to conform.<br>It’s a sign you’re getting free. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (April 6 2023). *Bullies are typically wounded people with extremely low self worth. Healthy people who have things going on in their lives don’t bully other people. What we need in society is inspired people creating things and sharing ideas. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (4th April 2023). *We have a depressed collective because we’re not told how important it is to paint, write, and make things. Without creativity humans go into survival mode. ** [[Nicole LePera]], Official social media (June 12th 2024). == Dr. Jen Wolkin == *Sometimes, people leave because of what you stir in them, not because you’re too much. **Dr. Jen Wolkin, Official X (January 22nd 2026). == [[Rumi]] / Rūmī == *Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place. **English paraphrase of themes in the Masnavī and Dīwān-e Shams. == [[John O'Donohue]] quotes == * We were created to be creators. **[[John O'Donohue]] ''Divine Beauty: The Invisible Embrace'' (2003) *It is ironic that so often we continue to live like paupers though our inheritance of spirit is so vast. **[[John O'Donohue]] ''Benedictus – A Book of Blessings'' (2007) *One of the great modern philosophers of beauty, Immanuel Kant, spoke of the joy we take in the Beautiful as 'disinterested delight'. The animation of the Beautiful is so immediate and fulfilling that we simply enjoy it for itself; it never occurs to us to ask what purpose it serves. **[[John O'Donohue]] ''Divine Beauty: The Invisible Embrace'' (2010) * In contrast to how a child belongs in the world, adult belonging is never as natural, innocent, or playful. Adult belonging has to be chosen, received, and renewed. It is a lifetime's work. **[[John O'Donohue]] ''Eternal Echoes – Exploring Our Hunger To Belong'' (2011) == Dr. [[M. Scott Peck]] quotes == *Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled||publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1978||page=51|isbn= 978-0-7432-4315-5}} *Mental health requires that the human will submit itself to something higher than itself. To function decently in this world we must submit ourselves to some principle that takes precedence over what we might want at any given moment... even the non-religious submit themselves, whether they know it or not, to some 'higher power' - be it truth or love, the needs of others, or the demands of reality. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil||publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1983||page=218|isbn= 9780684848594}} *Radical thinkers are also independent thinkers. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 27|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} * I see no value whatsover in unconstructive suffering. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth'' (New York: Simon & Schuster / Touchstone, 1998 ed. [orig. 1978]), Part I – “Discipline,” p. 63. *It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth'' (New York: Simon & Schuster / Touchstone, 1998 ed. [orig. 1978]), Part I – “Discipline,” . *I believe that the differences between those who are actively religious or spiritual and those who are not are generally not so much random as developmental. ** M. Scott Peck, ''The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety.'' Page 248 UK edition. *Compartmentalization is not the root of all evil; it is, however, the principal psychological mechanism of evil. Deprive an evil man of his capacity to compartmentalize, and he will be like a general without an army. Or better yet, he will undergo a conversion to goodness — a conversion to integrity. **[[M. Scott Peck]] (1983). ''People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1983). *Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Do we want to teach our children to solve them? **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth'' (New York: Simon & Schuster / Touchstone, 1998 ed. [orig. 1978]), Part I – “Discipline,” . *If all the energy required to think seems troublesome, the lack of thinking causes far more trouble and conflict for ourselves as individuals and for the society in which we live. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 27|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} *The spirit of evil is one of unreality, but it itself is real. To think otherwise is to be misled. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil||publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1983||page=218|isbn= 9780684848594}} * It is important to realize that cults are a dime a dozen and that a great many businesses are cults. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=Further Along The Road Less Travelled||page= 215|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1998||page=123|isbn= 9780684847238}} * One of the major dilemmas we face both as individuals and as a society is simplistic thinking – or the failure to think at all. It is not just ''a'' problem, it is ''the'' problem. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 25|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} *Although the act of nurturing another's spiritual growth has the effect of nurturing one's own, a major characteristic of genuine love is that the distinction between oneself and the other is always maintained and preserved. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1978||page=140|isbn= 978-0-7432-4315-5}} *In any case, in Vietnam it was the extraordinary power of nationalism, not communism, that brought the United States to its knees. To oppose legitimate nationalism is to do so at our peril. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace |publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1987||page=275|isbn= 067160192X}} *My favorite definition of evil is that it is militant ignorance. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil||publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1983|page=178||isbn= 9780684848594}} *The mystery of goodness is greater than that of evil. ** [[M. Scott Peck]] ''The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety''. Page 271, Simon & Schuster (1997). *The problem of evil is perhaps the most fundamental of all human problems.<br>True community is always in a state of almost constant terror at the problem of human evil. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace |publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1987|isbn= 067160192X}} *The individual with a secular consciousness essentially thinks that he is the center of the universe. Such people tend to be quite intelligent. They know full well that they are but one of six billion human beings scratching out an existence on the surface of a medium-sized planet that is a small fragment of a tiny solar system within a galaxy among countless galaxies, and that each of those other human beings also thinks that he is the center of the universe. Consequently, intelligent though they may be, people with a secular consciousness are prone to feel a bit lost within this hugeness and, despite their "centrality," to often experience a sense of meaninglessness and insignificance.<br>The person with a sacred consciousness, on the other hand, does not think of himself as the center of the universe. For him the center resides elsewhere, specifically in God — in the Sacred. Yet despite this lack of centrality, he is actually less likely to feel himself insignificant or meaningless than the secularist is, because he sees himself existing in relationship with that Sacred Other, and it is from this relationship that he derives his meaning and significance.<br>Sometimes people fall in between, with one foot planted in sacred consciousness and the other in secular consciousness... ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 246-247|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} *You may remember that ''The Road Less Travelled'' opened with the sentence "Life is difficult." And to that great truth, I will now add another translation:<br>Life is complex. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=Further Along The Road Less Travelled||page= 215|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1993||page=13|isbn= 9780684847238}} *I want to scream this from the rooftops: ‘All symptoms are overdetermined.’ Except that I want to expand it way beyond psychiatry. I want to expand it to almost everything. I want to translate it, ‘Anything of any significance is overdetermined. Everything worth thinking about has more than one cause.’ Repeat after me: ‘For any single thing of importance, there are multiple reasons.’ … Because we assume there is a reason for everything, we go looking for ''it'' when we should be looking for ''them''. **[[M. Scott Peck]] (1997). ''The Road Less Traveled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety''. New York: Simon & Schuster, p. 22. *Yet despite all the hype with which the candidates and the press and the networks attempt to create an entertaining spectacle out of politics, we must try to remember that politics is real. It should not be the drama of images. It is the drama of reality. Millions, billions of real lives are at stake. ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 232|publisher=Simon & Schuster |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} *There are also, I believe, good addictions of a sort, and I have been blessed (or cursed) by one of them: an addiction to consciousness. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey Toward Spiritual Growth'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993). *In my practice as a psychotherapist, I would routinely tell my patients, "Psychotherapy is not about happiness; it is about power. If you go the whole route here, I cannot guarantee that you will leave one jot happier. What I can guarantee you is that you will leave more competent". ** {{cite book|author=[[M. Scott Peck]]|title=The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety|page= 80|publisher=Simon & Schuster, UK edition |year=1997|isbn= 978-0-684-83561-7}} *Again and again all of the great religions tell us that the path away from narcissism is the path toward meaning in life. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''The Road Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety.'' Page 119 UK edition. *At the other end of the human spectrum from the saints lie the least free, the evil. All one can see of them is the mud. And it all looks the same. In Chapter 3 I offered a clinical, nosological description of the evil personality. It is extraordinary how well the evil fit the mould. Once you’ve seen one evil person, you’ve essentially seen them all. Even psychotics, whom we are accustomed to thinking of as the most seriously deranged, are more interesting. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil'' (1983). Page 304 (UK edition). *Among the reasons that the Oedipus complex is so important in psychiatry is that adults who have failed to resolve it usually have great difficulty in accomplishing many of the renunciations required for successful adult adjustments. They still have not learned that they cannot have their cake and eat it too. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil'' (1983). Page 176 (UK edition). == [[Barry Long]] == *You are only as intelligent as what your intelligence reflects on – in other words, what your intelligence loves most determines how intelligent you are. **Public talk, [https://www.facebook.com/BarryLongQuotes Covered here on Facebook]. *If you follow anything, you will not be intelligent. **Public talk, [https://www.facebook.com/BarryLongQuotes Covered here on Facebook]. *Meditation is the art of entering your own unconscious. **''Meditation: A Foundation Course.'' *Worry is the penalty for imagining that thinking is harmless. **''Only Fear Dies.'' *There’s no truth in the past whatever. But it is normal to think that there’s truth in the past. So all human beings worship the past, or are fixated on the past, and that’s all right, because being human, there are different strata of intelligence, or what would be called consciousness of being human.<br>Why do you believe in anything? Why? Because you are so unhappy and so unsure of the truth, so unenlightened, that you have to believe in something like leaning against a lamp post when you’re drunk.<br>Do you need to believe in anything to breathe? What is this nonsense of belief? It is the bondage of the human race.<br>Enjoy your senses; the beauty of the evening through your senses. You don’t have to believe anything to enjoy walking around, do you?<br>All the priests write all the religious stories. Priests, modern priests as well as ancient priests, all miss the point of the master who says, "I am the temple". **Public talk, [https://www.facebook.com/BarryLongQuotes Covered here on Facebook]. *Love is a power, a mighty principle that exists in its own right independent of any individual. Man changes, but the principle of love does not and cannot.<br>Love does not leave men and women. Men and women leave love. **''Knowing Yourself'', Chapter ''Love and Desire'' (1969). *Truth and God are depthless and timeless and those who love them develop the same qualities. **''Knowing Yourself'', Chapter ''Love and Desire'' (1969). *"... when the air or love moves of its own accord it is a hurricane that drives all before it.<br>The understanding of love comes with the knowledge that you are nothing. The greatest purity is nothing or nothingness — no thinking, no desiring, no imagining. You are then one with the moment and the great movement of life so nothing can happen that is not right. Every moment is perfect and everything that happens is eternally just. **''Knowing Yourself'', Chapter ''Love and Desire'' (1969). == Edward Mannix == *Spiritual people must sometimes be spiritual warriors. ** {{cite book|author=Edward Mannix|title=Reinventing Truth||publisher=CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform |year=2011|isbn= 1456579452}} == [[Sadhguru]] == *Without the necessary energy, being aware is extremely difficult. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *Human beings who do not break their self-created boundaries will remain trapped in them. ** [[Sadhguru]], Daily Quote - Isha Foundation website (February 13 2017). *Prejudice is poison, fed to us from an early age by our families, religions and societies. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *There is no need to aspire to greatness. If you go beyond concerns of 'what about me,' you will anyway be a great human being. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *Jesus said, “The kingdom of God is within you.” Yoga is about experiencing it. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2014). *Success will come easy once you function at your full potential. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *The important thing is not that people love you but that you are loving. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2018). *The best thing you can do for your family, your children, society, and the world around you is to enhance yourself. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *Life is about Consciousness – not concerns, compulsions, or conflict. May the coming months bring the profoundness of human existence that leads to a blissful life. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2024). *If somebody is hurting and it does not hurt you at all, that means you have forsaken your humanity. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2025). *When people live together without understanding each other, their survival instinct turns everything into a fight. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2018). *When you are able to create yourself the way you want, you can craft your Destiny the way you want as well. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2025). *If you have any Love in your heart for your children, the best thing you can do is not to teach them, but to work upon yourself. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2026). *Education should not be about molding children the way you want them, but about supporting their natural longing to know and blossom. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2020). *Genius is not individual. Genius is that dimension of life which is the source of creation which is there in a seed form in every human being. Whether we will create the atmosphere to unlock that or we will keep it supressed, is what the parents can do or not do. Please in some way let their (children) genius unfold. ** [[Sadhguru]], ''Official social media'' (2025). *The present is the only place that you can be. If you live, you live in this moment. If you die, you die in this moment. This moment is eternity. **[[Sadhguru]], ''Inner Engineering: A Yogi's Guide to Joy'', New York: Spiegel & Grau (2016) and social media. == [[Gary Zukav]] == *Lakota wisdom declares that the center of the universe is everywhere.<br>That is correct.<br> The center of the universe is in you.<br>It is in me.<br> **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2025). *Creating authentic power transforms you from a victim in your life to ''a creator of your life''. **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2023). *Authentic power is the alignment of the personality with the soul. **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2018) also stated in his book The Seat of the Soul. *The creation of authentic power requires that you distinguish between your artificial needs and your authentic needs. **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2018). *As you become authentically powerful, you become the authority in your life. **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2021). *Authentic power is a potential. To bring it into being, you have work to do. **[[Gary Zukav]], Official social media (2022). == Hazrat Ali / Ali bin Abi Talib == *''«قِلَّةُ الشُّكْرِ زَوَالُ النِّعْمَةِ».'' *Being ungrateful for a blessing causes it to be taken away. ** [[Ali]], Nahj al-Balagha. == Dr. [[Carl Jung]] == *''Wir dürfen jedoch nicht vergessen, daß nur sehr wenige Menschen Künstler im Leben sind; daß die Lebenskunst die vornehmste und seltenste aller Künste ist''. *But we must not forget that only a very few people are artists in life; that the art of life is the most distinguished and rarest of all the arts. ** [[Carl Jung]] ''Modern Man in Search of a Soul'' (1931) *It occurred to him (Carl Jung) that it was perhaps no accident that we traditionally referred to alcoholic drinks as ‘spirits’, and that perhaps alcoholics were people who had a greater thirst for the spirit than others, and that perhaps alcoholism was a spiritual disorder or, better yet, a spiritual condition. **[[M. Scott Peck]], ''Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey Toward Spiritual Growth''. New York: Simon & Schuster (Touchstone), (1993). Section where Peck discusses Carl Jung and the origins of Alcoholics Anonymous – page number depends on edition.) *''Solange der Schatten nicht bewusst gemacht wird, wird er projiziert, und der Mensch verurteilt im Anderen, was er in sich selbst nicht erkennen will.'' *If the shadow is not made conscious, it is projected; and the individual then lives below his own level, judging others instead of himself. **[[Carl Jung]], Aion. Beiträge zur Symbolik des Selbst (1951) / Aion, Collected Works, Vol. 9ii, 126. *''Der Mensch tut alles, wie absurd es auch sein mag, um ja nicht seiner eigenen Seele ins Auge zu sehen.'' *People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. **[[Carl Jung]], Psychologie und Alchemie (1944). The original sentence in German is a bit different than the English translation. *''Der höchste Sinn ist ein Weg, ein Weg und eine Brücke zu dem, was kommt.…''<br>''Der höchste Sinn ist die höchste Wahrheit, und die höchste Wahrheit ist eins und dasselbe mit dem Unsinn''. *Supreme meaning is a path, a way and a bridge to what is to come. …<br>The supreme meaning is the highest truth, and the highest truth is one and the same with nonsense. ** [[Carl Jung]] ''The Red Book'' Liber Novus (1933). == [[Jiddu Krishnamurti]] == *Nobody listened to him (the Buddha); that is why there is Buddhism. **[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]], ''The Way of Intelligence'', Part 3 – “In Listening Is Transformation”. Krishnamurti Foundation text, hosted at HolyBooks page 54 (1985). *Experience is not the measure of truth. Awareness of the false as the false is the freedom of truth. **[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]], ''Commentaries on Living: First Series'' (Wheaton, IL: Theosophical Publishing House / Quest Books), “Cause and Effect,” p. 152 (1956). *Leaders destroy the followers and followers destroy the leaders. You have to be your own teacher and your own disciple. **[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]], ''Freedom from the Known'' (1969). *It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. **[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]], ''The Book of Life'', Editor Mary Lutyens, Penguin (2007). *You know, you should never meditate in public, or with another, or in a group: you should meditate only in solitude. **[[Jiddu Krishnamurti]], ''Meditations'' (1969), [https://kfoundation.org/krishnamurti-meditations-part-8/?utm%20source=chatgpt.com Reproduced online here] by Krishnamurti Foundation. == Fintan O'Toole == * Too many journalists, fixated as they are on today's events, have a weak sense of history. ** Fintan O'Toole, ''The Irish Times'' (2023). * Fandom and journalism make bad bedfellows. ** Fintan O'Toole, ''The Irish Times'' (2023) *Maybe the penny will finally drop ... that the best case for a united Ireland is a State that proves itself capable of making the island one of the best places in the world, not just to invest, but to live and work. What might attract a corporate board in California and a skilled worker from Spain just might do the same for a Protestant in Ballymena. **Fintan O'Toole, ''The Irish Times'', 2023 *Brute force ... does not go well with ignorance. **Fintan O'Toole, ''The Irish Times'' (2022) *By 1948, the year Ireland became a republic, both Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael "claimed as a priority the revival of the Irish language as the vernacular of the people – and both equally did nothing to stop the death of Irish-speaking communities like that on the Blaskets". **Fintan O'Toole, ''We Don't Know Ourselves'', page 3 (2021). == [[Muhammad Yunus]] == *... Culture is useless unless it is constantly challenged by counter culture. People create culture; culture creates people. It is a two-way street. When people hide behind a culture, you know that's a dead culture. ** [[Muhammad Yunus]], Quote from website. == [[Gabor Maté]] == *In all countries with a colonial legacy, the questions we must ask are straightforward. How do societies move to heal the multigenerational trauma that drives the misery of many Native communities? What can be done to undo the dynamics our past has dictated? Some may balk at such inquriry, fearing the discomfort that comes with guilt. In truth, this is not a matter of communal guilt, but of communal responsibility. It is not about the past. It is about the present. And it is about all of us: when some among us suffer, ultimately we all do. **[[Gabor Maté]] I''n the Realm of Hungry Ghosts'', Introduction (2018). == Sarah Carey == *Both (Eoghan) Daltun and (Ray) Ó Foghlú argue that we consider barren mountain a normal part of the Irish landscape. It isn’t. The mountains should be covered in rainforest. **Sarah Carey, ''The Irish Independent'' (2023) *I conducted a little survey of government websites. I asked for page view numbers for English and Irish versions for some pages I picked at random.<br>All figures are for January 2025.<br> A HSE page about treating Covid-19 symptoms at home had 5,274 views in English and 23 in Irish.<br>A Department of Health page on the menopause had 337 views in English and four in Irish.<br> A Department of Social Welfare page about the fuel allowance for pensioners was viewed 13,892 times in English and twice in Irish.<br>A Department of Education page on guidelines for school designs had 1,007 views in English and two in Irish. **Sarah Carey, ''The Irish Independent'' (2025)[https://www.independent.ie/opinion/comment/sarah-carey-i-say-nil-to-nativism-bureaucratic-box-ticking-with-the-irish-language-only-embeds-discrimination/a272809837.html]. *Will we – as I think we should – abolish all school patronage, or does everyone get to keep their preferred social and educational ghettos? **Sarah Carey, ''The Irish Independent'' (2025) [https://www.independent.ie/opinion/comment/sarah-carey-there-is-a-rational-debate-to-be-had-on-a-united-ireland-if-we-can-rise-above-emotive-tribalism/a1876293081.html]. == [[Peter Schiff]] == *People today – even poor people – live a much more opulent life than wealthier people hundreds of years ago... The vast majority of people lived in squalor for centuries, for thouands and thousands of years really until the 19th century. That is where we started to get all the inventions. **[[Peter Schiff]], Interview with Shannon Joy on her [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7km6H2p_EQ podcast (December 2025)]. *When I talk about an AI bubble, I am not saying that there isn’t potential in artificial intelligence. In fact, I think there’s tremendous potential. I think there’s probably more potential there than in anything I’ve seen... I think that AI could be the most transformative invention as far as lifting the standard of living of all of humanity. **[[Peter Schiff]], ''The Peter Schiff Show'' (SchiffGold podcast) - Video "Bubbles Pop Everywhere" 21 November (2025). == Dr. Margaret Kennedy == *Think about this ... Your daughter and every young woman coming behind you are building their self worth algorithm from your data.<br>We underestimate how early conditioning teaches girls to shrink. Not deliberately. Not maliciously. Just quietly, through years of small expectations they learn to meet.<br>In WiLD (Women in Leadership Development) we see the impact of this gendered conditioning every year. Brilliant women arriving already capable yet doubting their readiness or questioning whether they belong in bigger roles. However, once they see the conditioning for what it is, the shift is remarkable.<br>The cost isn’t humility. The cost is the quiet frustration and sometimes anger carried by women who have been overlooked and underestimated for far too long.<br> This is why the work matters.<br> **Margaret Kennedy PhD, Linkedin[https://www.linkedin.com/posts/dr-margaret-kennedy_my-daughters-daycare-teacher-pulled-me-aside-activity-7403406042966941696-O0Ro?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop&rcm=ACoAAAUEHmgBXQKDIFGeNUENSxZJ5SH-U72wJ4g] (2025). == Penelope Quest == *The term Reiki Master was a rough translation of Sensei, meaning respected teacher. In reality, no one can 'master' Reiki, because it is a divine energy, so in essence being a 'Reiki Master' means following a spiritual path towards self-mastery; this can be a physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually demanding healing journey, although of course it can also be very rewarding. ** {{cite book|author=Penelope Quest|title=Self-Healing with Reiki- How to Create Wholeness, Harmony & Balance for Body, Mind & Spirit|publisher=Piatkus |year=2003|isbn= 978-0749929725 }} == Pádraig Ó Cuanacháin == * ''Tá léarscáileanna sa teanga dhúchais ar fáil i ngach tír a bhfuil féinmheas acu orthu féin.'' ** Translation: Every self-respecting country has their own language on their maps. **Pádraig Ó Cuanacháin, Gael-Taca – Quoted in English in ''The Sunday Times'' (Ireland) in 2005. * ''An t-aon fhadhb atá agamsa ná easpa tuisceanna i measc na heagraíochtaí Gaeilge mar gheall ar thábhacht cúrsaí margaíochta.'' ** Translation: The only problem I have is the lack of understanding among the Irish-language organisations regarding the importance of marketing. **Pádraig Ó Cuanacháin, Gael-Taca – Speaking on ''RTÉ Raidió na Gaeltachta'' in 2007[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZmtiHzY4DA]. *Viewing the more traditional Irish language revival organisations as too narrow and conservative, he felt they had failed to sell Irish to people at grassroots level. ** Obituary in ''The Irish Times'' about Pádraig Ó Cuanacháin a few months after his death in 2008[https://www.irishtimes.com/news/a-passionate-yet-pragmatic-crusader-for-the-irish-language-1.910356]. == J.J. Lee == *The failure, however, did not lie mainly in the schools. It was the blatant failure of the state itself to devise arrangements for the subsequent use of the language that largely discredited compulsory Irish. The children were given no incentive to master Irish as a living language, only as a dead one. The charade of Irish language tests for public employment, when everybody knew the language would hardly ever be used again, the whole fetid system of favouritism associated with language knowledge, as distinct from language use, inevitably left its mark, stamping the most idealistic and most important task undertaken by the new state as yet one more sleazy political racket. Genuine language lovers who ‘loathed the way that the politicians, the pedagogues, the urbanised peasants had sucked the life and beauty from it’ were brushed aside. **J. J. Lee, ''Ireland: 1912–1985 – Politics and Society'' (Cambridge University Press, 1989), p. 670. == Neale Donald Walsch == *The most loving person is the person who is Self-centered. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1'' Chapter 8 (1995). *You can have anything you want in life, but you cannot have everything you want. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1'' (1995). *Life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1''. Chapter 11, page 26-27 (1995). *The reason for your soul's having come to the body is to evolve. That is, to become a grander and grander version of itself.<br>This is the purpose of your life on earth, and of life everywhere. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''The New Revelations'', page 152 (2002). *By that which you call evil do you define yourself – and by that which you call good. The biggest evil would therefore be to declare nothing evil at all. ** Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversation with God: Book One'' (1996). *A lot of people are going to want you to ''think'' that you are your yesterdays. In fact, some people are going to ''insist'' that you be. They will do this because they have a big investment in your continuing to show up that way. For one thing, they can then be "right" about you. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Friendship with God: An Uncommon Dialogue'' Chapter 8 (1999). *The moment you declare anything, everything unlike it will come into your experience. This is the Law of Opposites. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1''. Chapter 4, page 28-38 depending on edition (1995). *The problem in the world today is not that we do not have enough rules; it is that we do not have enough values. **{{cite book|author[Neale Donald Walsch|title=Conversations with God – Book 3||publisher=Hampton Roads Publishing Company |year=1998||isbn= 978-1571741035}} *Life is not about you. It’s about everyone whose life you touch, and the way in which you touch it. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1'' (1995). *Nothing of value is ever lost. **Neale Donald Walsch, ''Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1'' (1995). *You will be both worshiped and reviled, elevated and denigrated, honored and crucified. **{{cite book|author[Neale Donald Walsch|title=Conversations with God – Book 3||publisher=Hampton Roads Publishing Company |year=1998||isbn= 978-1571741035}} == Michelle Paisley Reed == *Picture, then allow. **Michelle Paisley Reed, The Power of 10 (2020). [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxYAI95H5o Near FM]. *If you want money, what you really want is freedom. And so, rightfully affirm that in Spirit, you are always free. And watch how examples of freedom — and, yes, money, but also inspiration and travel, creative opportunities and adventure — show up for you! **Michelle Paisley Reed, The Power of 10 (2020). [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxYAI95H5o Near FM]. *Learn from your children. They have more to teach you than you them. Learn to come together. **Michelle Paisley Reed, The Power of 10 (2020). [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxYAI95H5o Near FM]. *There is hope because with each evolving generation they are more intuitive, more filled with the light.<br>There is such a thing as evolution spiritually, physically, on every level. **Michelle Paisley Reed, The Power of 10 (2020). [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxYAI95H5o Near FM]. ''Question - According to The Power of 10 the law of attraction is not actually a law as we think of as humans, even in the spirt world is it?'' *Words are powerful, right? Abraham says that. Lots of people do. Your thoughts become words which carry a vibration which materialise into form. And so when we say "law" what do we think of as humans? We think it's a rule that must be followed, and there is some negative charge to that. No! And some people appreciate that. And, yet, what they're saying is: the attraction just is. ... It is attraction, it is not just the law of attraction. It just is. When you channel you're finding the essence of what the message is. And words are imperfect as well, right? They are manmade. ... When we channel - whether it is Abraham or The Power of 10 or whoever is channeling they're coming through ... and they are using my body vehicle to find those words that will most capture the essence for the most amount of people... Early on thirty years ago of course people understand the word "law" but I think it's evolving ... Words limit and they carry a vibration like anything else. **Michelle Paisley Reed (2019) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkbvStTXkD0 Near FM.]. == Deidré Wallace == * In order to understand relationships you need to understand Sigmund Freud's Oedipus complex. ** Deidré Wallace, [https://darrenjprior.blogspot.com/2016/12/deidre-wallace-15.html?max-results=100 Official social media (2016)]. *The same applies to racism. We are all racists to some degree. Denying this only buries the issues.<br>As I always say to all those who know me, ‘One way of keeping our racism in check is by mixing with people of all colours, all cultures, all races and creed’.<br>This is why I chose to live in a multi-cultural area of London and this is why I enjoy travelling to places that expand my horizons as this helps me understand others better. **Deidré Wallace [https://relationshipsdw.medium.com/i-am-not-racist-92a398442a42 (2016)]. == [[Albert Einstein]] == *''Ich lebe in jener Einsamkeit, die in der Jugend schmerzlich, aber in den Jahren der Reife köstlich ist.'' *I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity. **[[Albert Einstein]], First published in German in ''Mein Glaubensbekenntnis'' in 1932. *''Die großen sittlichen Lehrer der Menschheit waren in gewissem Sinne mehr Genies der Lebenskunst als der Denkkunst''. *Great moral teachers of humanity were, in a certain sense, geniuses in the art of living more than in the art of thinking. **[[Albert Einstein]], Essays on religion and ethics (German originals, late 1920s–1932), later collected in ''Mein Weltbild'' and translated in the book ''Ideas and Opinions''. == Bob Proctor == *We're not made for working, we're made for creating. **Bob Proctor, [https://darrenjprior.blogspot.com/2021/06/bob-proctor-16.html?max-results=100 Official social media] (2021). *We create our tomorrows by what we dream today. **Bot Proctor, [https://darrenjprior.blogspot.com/2021/03/bob-proctor-13.html?max-results=100 Official social media] (2021). *The absence of good habits can be just as destructive as a bad habit.<br>Create the habit of study into your everyday life. ** Bob Proctor, [https://darrenjprior.blogspot.com/2025/01/bob-proctor-40.html?max-results=100 Official social media] (2025). == Lillian Glass == *Toxic people get their power from your reaction.<br>They feed on your anger and fear.<br> They thrive on guilt.<br >If you remain calm and refuse to react, you cut off their supply of energy.<br> **Lillian Glass — ''Toxic People: 10 Ways of Dealing with People Who Make Your Life Miserable'' ''Chapter 3: “Recognizing Energy Vampires" page 45-46'' (1995) == Denis O'Brien == * (The Irish State is) “complicit in facilitating global tax avoidance” ... "This is perfectly legal and within OECD rules. But the question is: is it acceptable? It is modern day digital colonialism.<br>The system is contributing to gross inequality and is the main reason why African immigrants take huge risks in dinghies to reach rich European countries. **Denis O’Brien (2025), part of speech quoted in ''The Irish Times'', [11 November 2025], talking about the Irish State's alleged complicity in global tax avoidance by large US technology companies in Africa and other countries[https://www.irishtimes.com/business/2025/11/11/irelands-graduates-entitled-and-tax-regime-digital-colonialism-denis-obrien/?fbclid=IwY2xjawOAlrxleHRuA2FlbQIxMABicmlkETA1SlFpNHNPMk44aFQ2Qjc0c3J0YwZhcHBfaWQQMjIyMDM5MTc4ODIwMDg5MgABHmRkreRtHd4NxXNl3Fmzd3ds_gfO5YEfCLamMxlZkjCQX3pO7lf8ZZXjlNHq_aem_myHRYL4Y9fsltWrvJVOsPw]. == Dennis Tourish == *Cults prey upon our aversion to uncertainty. **Dennis Tourish (2003). Book - ''On the Edge: Political Cults Right and Left - Chapter - “Ideological Intransigence, Democratic Centralism and Cultism: A Case Study - The CWI''”. Original article - ''What Next?'' (magazine) No. 27[https://www.whatnextjournal.org.uk/Pages/Back/Wnext27/Cults.html]. *A central tenet of Trotskyist politics is its insistence that a "vanguard party" is required to guide the working class to power. **Dennis Tourish (2003). Book - ''On the Edge: Political Cults Right and Left - Chapter - “Ideological Intransigence, Democratic Centralism and Cultism: A Case Study - The CWI''”. Original article - ''What Next?'' (magazine) No. 27[https://www.whatnextjournal.org.uk/Pages/Back/Wnext27/Cults.html]. == [[Anthony de Mello]] == *The one who would be constant in happiness must frequently change. **Anthony de Mello, ''The Way to Love'' (1991). *Almost every negative emotion you experience is the direct outcome of of an attachment. **Anthony de Mello, ''The Way to Love'' (1991). *Spirituality means waking up. **Anthony de Mello, ''Awareness'' (1992). *There is nothing more practical than spirituality. **Anthony de Mello, ''Awareness'' (1992). *We never feel grief when we lose something that we have allowed to be free, that we have never attempted to possess. Grief is a sign that I made happiness depend on this thing or a person, at least to some extent. We’re so accustomed to hear the opposite of this that what I say sounds inhuman, doesn’t it? **Anthony de Mello, ''Awareness'' (1992). *Do you know one sign that you’ve woken up? It’s when you are asking yourself, ‘Am I crazy, or are all of them crazy?’ … Because we are crazy. The whole world is crazy. Certifiable lunatics! The only reason we’re not locked up in an institution is that there are so many of us. So we’re crazy. **Anthony de Mello, ''Awareness'' (1992). *So, the idea is, unfortunately, that God’s grace is available to everyone.<br>The tragedy of the human race is not that there is a shortage of God’s grace; it’s that there’s a shortage of proper understanding.<br>We got wrong ideas that need to be corrected.<br> **Anthony de Mello, ''Awareness'' (1992). == [[Kahlil Gibran]] == *Yesterday’s wisdom is today’s folly, and today’s wisdom will be tomorrow’s folly. **[[Kahlil Gibran]], ''Sand and Foam'' (1926). == Vincent Browne == *Is there such a thing as responsible gambling? **Vincent Browne, Twitter (now X) social media (2018). == Dr. Ciara Kelly == *But within the far left — which is never dissected or seen as a societal threat in the way the far right is, despite them having an equally scant regard for democracy — there are many who believe people should be allowed to break the rule of law, seize property and claim it as their own, in flagrant disregard for other people’s assets, values or constitutional rights.<br>So ask yourself, are you too hoping for class warfare? **Dr. Ciara Kelly, ''The Irish Independent'' (2023). == Eckhart Tolle == *The secret of life is to ‘die before you die’ — and find that there is no death. **[[Eckhart Tolle]], he Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Namaste Publishing (1997). == Kathy Sheridan == *Somewhere between the bank bailout and the election of Trump, incontinent rage and aggression became normalised. **Kathy Sheridan, ''The Irish Times'' (2023)[https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/2023/01/25/kathy-sheridan-we-live-in-an-age-of-free-range-anger/]. == [[Oprah Winfrey]] == *Ask yourself today, in the middle of your complicated, demanding, chaotic life: What do I want my legacy to be? And then start living from that intention. **[[Oprah Winfrey]], Book ''The Path Made Clear'', Flatiron Books (2019). == Naval Ravikant == *The goal of media is to make every problem, your problem. **Official social media (2020)[https://x.com/naval/status/1310306039481262081?s=20]. == [[Simone Weil]] == *Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring.<br>Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating. **''Gravity and Grace'' (1947). == Allen Carr == *I used to claim there's more to life than feeling fit; there's booze and tobacco. That's nonsense. When you feel physcially and mentally strong you can enjoy the highs and handle the lows. We confuse responsibility with stress. Responsibility becomes stressful only when you don't feel strong enough to handle it. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 135. *Smoking is not a habit or a pleasure. It is drug addiction and a disease. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 136. *Heroin kills a few hundred people a year in the UK. Nicotine kills over 110,000 a year and 4 million a year worldwide. It's already killed more people on this planet than all the wars of history combined. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 139. *... The whole business of smoking is a subtle, sinister trap. The main problem of stopping isn't the chemical addiction but the brainwashing ... **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 147. *It took me a long time to work out why it had been so easy and why this time I hadn't suffered those terrifying withdrawal pangs. The reason is that they do not exist. It is the doubt and uncertainty that cause the pangs. The beautiful truth is: IT IS EASY TO STOP SMOKING. It is only the indecision and moping about it that make it difficult. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 149-150. *The whole business of smoking is like a confidence trick on a gigantic scale. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 152. *Smokers ... are drug addicts. **''Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking'', Penguin Random House UK 6th edition (2015), Page 157. == [[Proverbs]] == *''Tír gan teanga, trí gan anam''. **Irish language proverb. Translates directly to English as "A country without a language, a country without a soul." *''Is fearr an tsláinte ná na táinte''. **Irish language proverb. Translates to English as "Health is better than wealth". * ''An áit a bhfuil do chroí is ann a thabharfas do chosa''. **Irish language proverb. Translates to English as "Your feet will bring you to where your heart is". *A man who uses force is afraid of reasoning. **Kenyan proverb. *Teamwork without coordination leads to confusion. **African proverb. *A child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. **African proverb. *A wise man fills his brains before emptying his mouth. **Kenyan proverb. == Quotes with unverified original sources, paraphrases and possible paraphrases == *An intellectual is a person who has found something more interesting than sex. **Quote usually attributed to [[Aldous Huxley]] - but there is no solid evidence he ever said or wrote it according to ChatGPT. *Our greatest strength lies in the gentleness and tenderness of our heart. **Quote often attributed to [[Rumi]] - but no definite source located according to ChatGPT. *There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in. **Quote often attributed to [[Desmond Tutu]] - no definite original source located according to ChatGPT. *He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life. **Quote often attributed to [[Muhammad Ali]] - no definite original source located according to ChatGPT. *What you’re thinking is what you’re becoming. **Quote often attributed to [[Muhammad Ali]] - no definite original source located according to ChatGPT although verions of the same existed long before Muhammad is reported to have said it. *When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago. **Commonly attributed to [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], but the original source in his writings is uncertain according to ChatGPT. *The far left doesn’t believe their own propaganda. The far right does believe theirs. **Quote often attributed to [[George Orwell]] but according to ChatGPT he didn't say/write these exact words. *Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes. **Quote often attributed to [[Stephen Colbert]] - no definite original source located according to ChatGPT. *You're crazy to everyone who can't manipulate you. **Original source of quote unknown. *Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s oblivion. **Possible paraphrase usually attributed to [[Philip Wylie]] according to ChatGPT. *All evil done by someone sticks to his or her own body. **Paraphrase of ancient teachings. *Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. **Often attributed to [[Leonardo da Vinci]] (no verified source). *Free speech isn't free. **Original source of quote unknown. *If only you know how quickly people forget you once you die, you will stop living to impress people and start living to please God. **Original source of quote unknown. ==External links== * [https://darrenjprior.blogspot.com/ Darren J. Prior blog – on Blogger] * [https://www.youtube.com/@DarrenJPrior-CurrentYTChannel/ Darren J. Prior – Youtube channel] * [https://www.facebook.com/MScottPeckMDQuotes M. Scott Peck Quotes and Tribute Page – DJP (Facebook) ] 0lao36odds2x2ig8kxnghxdiiiu5yyc 0 285304 3955225 3954964 2026-06-22T05:05:32Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 /* Television */ Added content 3955225 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants}} These are last words in the ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' franchise, it shows characters that have died in the [[SpongeBob SquarePants|main series]], [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]] and [[The Patrick Star Show]]. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. == Television == === ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' === * '''I take it back, Gary! Something IS wrong with meeeeeee-ow!''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants ** Source: (S1E13B, I Was a Teenage Gary) ** Notes: Was accidentally injected with Snail Plasma by Squidward, causing him to exhibit snail-like behavior until he turns into one, losing his ability to talk and can only communicate by meowing. It is unknown how he got back to normal after the episode. *'''Well, I guess I've got some explaining to do, huh? No. No, no, no! Not the face!''' **Who: Plankton **Source: (S1E15A, Sleepy Time) **Note: In Plankton's dream, Plankton was stomped on by Fred after stepping on SpongeBob who turned into a pin, which causes him to suddenly deflate and shrink. * '''My eyes! My eyes!''' ** Who: A boat driver ** Source: (S2E2A, Something Smells) ** Notes: Is blinded by the stench of SpongeBob's rancid breath and his boat explodes, with the driver nowhere to be seen afterwards. * '''Don't just stand there, dude! The tide's comin' in! Hawhawhawhaw! Dude?''' * '''Dudes! He made me experience high tide! Hawhawhawhaw!''' ** Who: Scooter ** Source: (S2E3B, Bubble Buddy) ** Notes: Was asked to be buried in the sand, but was exposed to high tide and drowns, and comes back as an angel. He is alive again episodes later due to inconsistent continuity. *'''We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. He's not leaving, Orville. You got your night stick ready? FRIED OYSTER SKINS?! Ooooohhhhh...''' ** Who: A Guard in Tentacle Acres ** Source: (S2E9B, Squidville) ** Notes: Is collapsed from smelling Patrick's breath along with Orville. * '''You doodle! Me SpongeBob!!''' * '''Huh?!''' ''['''SpongeBob''': Page for Mr. Doodle!]'' '''''BWAAAAAAAAAA!!!''''' ** Who: DoodleBob ** Source: (S2E19B, Frankendoodle) ** Notes: This is prior to Doodlebob trying to erase Spongebob and he is eventually shut inside a book (the last thing he is heard saying is "Huh? BWAAA!" and becomes an average lifeless doodle (not "dead" but close enough). However, he is reencountered alive and well in season 11's "Doodle Dimension". *'''Huh? Wait! We will bury you...!''' **Who: Worm from Apple World **Source: (S3E8B, Rock A Bye Bivalve) **Notes: In this episode, The worm from Apple World appears in an apple that SpongeBob was holding, then SpongeBob fed the worm to the baby scallop, his last words were "We will bury you...!" before he was eaten. The worm later reappears in season 15's "A Fish Called Sandy" when on the hook. * '''Curses! You win.''' ** Who: Lord Planktonimore **Source: (S4E8, Dunces and Dragons) ** Notes: Electrocuted into a pile of ash by his own jellyfish dragon, wounded, he cries this out after realizing he has lost. It is unknown whether or not he was killed. * '''Well, don't mind if I do.''' ** Who: Old Man Jenkins **Source: (S5E1, Friend or Foe) ** Notes: In the episode Friend or Foe, Krabs and Plankton offer Old Man Jenkins to be their first customer, but the food is so bad it causes him to fall on his back, dead or unconscious. * '''Does that mean I won't get that raise, sir?''' ** Who: Carl **Source: (S4E4A, Selling Out) ** Notes: Swept away in the stream of synthetic krabby patties. A few seasons later reveals he survived. * '''I'm gonna stop this thing, tell my wife I love her! Come get some!''' ** Who: Sergeant Roderick ** Source: (S4E9B, Mrs. Puff, You're Fired) ** Notes: Was run-over by SpongeBob's boat head-on. It's unknown if he made it afterwards. *'''Well, where's your magic now? Oh... where am I? What's going on here?''' [A person behind him lays out melted butter and puts on a bib reading "THE END"] '''Uh-oh. I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! Oh, no!''' **Who: Eugene H. Krabs **Source: (S4E12B, Wishing You Well) **Notes: Mr. Krabs has wished he was a steamed crab on a plate with melted butter and is eaten by a person. * '''Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A 1, a 2 and a --''' [cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried] ** Who: Guitarist #1 **Source: (S5E4B, Sing a Song of Patrick) ** Notes: Said before they perform Patricks song and they died immediately due to Patricks song is so horrible that it killed them for out of no reason at all. * '''Fresh-air dome? Man, I really do stink.''' ** Who: Filthy Phil **Source: (S4E11B, Karate Island) ** Notes: Sandy told Filthy Phil that she had a fresh air dome, and he smelt his stink, and collapsed. * '''Although we've only known each other a short time, I want you to know... I love you.''' ** Who: Mr. Dollar ** Source: (S5E18, What Ever Happened to SpongeBob?) ** Notes: As he and his wife Mrs. Dollar both disintegrate into pieces inside the grease, his last words are spoken as he talks to her one last time. The resulting events lead Mr. Krabs calling SpongeBob "idiot boy". * '''Please, please, somebody put me out of my misery!''' ''[coughs]'' '''Have mercy on my soul...!''' ** Who: Squidward's toilet ** Source: (S6E2, House Fancy) ** Notes: After Patrick finishes using Squidward's bathroom, Squidward's toilet then crawls out and dies in Squidward's hands. *'''Not Nuclear Touch!''' **Who: HandFace **Source: (S7E9B, The Bad Guy Club for Villians) **Notes: HandFace who grew out of Barnacle Boy's body, but is pushed towards Atomic Flounder's nuclear touch and disappers. * '''Hey, what are you doing, you crazy bushy-tailed rodent?! HEY!''' ** Who: Abrasive SpongeBob ** Source: (S7E20, The Abrasive Side) ** Notes: Gary had ordered a product for SpongeBob that finally helped him learned to say "No" to everyone, Sandy rips the abrasive side off of SpongeBob's back and it stung so bad, it is shown to be barking. * '''You're throwing in the towel?''' ['''Karen''': You heartless homepage wrecking hussy!] ** Who: Karen 2 ** Source: (S8E19A, Karen 2.0) ** Note: Is destroyed by Karen. * '''I am ready to destroy Christmas.''' [transforms into his mega mode] '''Destroy Santa.''' ['''SpongeBob''': You want Santa? You have to go through me.] '''Okey-dokey.''' ** Who: ToyBob / Mega ToyBob **Source: (S8E23, It's A SpongeBob Christmas!) ** Notes: ToyBob was built by Plankton to destroy SpongeBob's good name since SpongeBob is immune to Jerktonium; he later tried to destroy Santa, but SpongeBob saved Christmas by shooting fruitcake at ToyBot, causing him to short circuit and explode, leaving his wind-up behind. * '''Ha! Let's try that again, but this time, I attack!''' ** Who: Dirty Bubble ** Source: (S9E2, Patrick-Man!) ** Note: He decides to charge at Patrick-Man but Patrick-Man spots a Krabby Patty on the ground and bends over with his ice cream cone hat popping the Dirty Bubble and freeing SpongeBob. * '''I feel funny.''' ** Who: SpongeBob's first clone ("Me Two") ** Note: Plankton used cheap toner on the copy machine used to make the SpongeBob clones, so after a while, Me Two and the others turn grey, squeeze and roll up into a burrito shape before they disappear from existence. * '''It's easy! You take one par -- ohhhh, I don't feel so good!''' ** Who: Another SpongeBob Clone **Source: (S9E20B, CopyBob DittoPants) * '''In fact... I'm not even here.''' ** Who: Rube Goldfish **Source: (S11E6A, No Pictures Please) ** Note: Rube tells Everyone this just before his voice fades away and his body completely disappears. The joke is that Rube is revealed to have been an illusion (or a mysterious apparition) at that moment. Despite this apparent disappearance, he later appears alive and well in other episodes, so it isn't treated as a permanent death within the series' continuity. *'''Wait, no! No! What? Oh pellats.''' **Who: Cuddle E. Hugs **Source: (S11E10A, Cuddle E. Hugs) **Notes: After telling SpongeBob that the "E." in his name stands for "Eat," Cuddle E. Hugs is given the last expired Krabby Patty. Later, he ends up trapped in a hamster cage, realizes he's about to be fed hamster pellets. * '''MEOW!''' **Who: Gary the Snail **Source: (S11E20B, Library Cards) **Notes: Is accidentally shrunk and multiplied into snails, and is put back together by SpongeBob. * '''Yummy!''' ** Who: Filthy Muck **Source: (S12E2B, The Ballad of Filthy Muck) ** Note: A garbage creature who resembles Patrick. This was the only thing he says throughout the episode; he is mute the whole time he spends with SpongeBob, before being disintegrated by the Bikini Bottomites' cleaning materials. However in season 13's "Goofy Scoopers", Filthy Muck made an non speaking appearance. * '''No way, Man Ray! I was first!''' ''['''Man Ray''': First to go bye-bye. [cackles]]'' '''Huh?''' '''''AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!''''' ** Who: Tattletale Strangler **Source: (S13E10B, Captain Pipsqueak) ** Note: Was supposed to join the League of E.V.I.L., but is zapped by Man Ray and turned into a pile of ashes. It is unknown if he was killed off or not since the series has loose continuity. * '''I am going have to live next to that?''' ** Who: Squid-Bot Clone **Source: (S13E12A, Welcome to Binary Bottom) ** Note: Squid-Bot Clone was built by SquidBot, but he ended up pressing a button, causing him to self destruct. * '''Oooh, that's a nice one, but I can't right now Mr. Tentacles. Please step aside, Mmmm-hmmmm....''' ** Who: Petunia **Source: (S13E17A, The Flower Plot) ** Note: Was holding explosive flowers and Squidward was attempted to marry her, but is exploded in front of him, leaving him charred and stunned, and the robot is revealed to be Plankton after all. *'''All this for little old me. Ha-ha. Why, if you'd told me when I was a lifeless pile of ingredients that someday I'd...''' **Who: Krabby Patty **Source: (S13E22A, My Friend Patty) **Note: Was eaten by Gary. *'''I'm the oldest!''' **Who: Old Mrs. Perkins **Source: (S13E22B, FUN-Beleivable) **Note: Gets turned into dust after saying the exact line. *'''Oh, fiddlesticks!''' **Who: Percival Rockhound **Source: (S14E5B, Pet the Rock) **Notes: Rolly is revealed to be a dinosaur at the end of the episode, and he eats Percival Rockhound. *'''Oh, I don't know, like, 2,000-ish years.''' **Who: Sandy Cheeks *'''I just want to leave a happy message for the good people of tomorrow.''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants *'''Hey, what are you doing with my clarinet?''' **Who: Squidward Tentacles *'''As I was saying, thanks for coming, everybody.''' ''[points with her fingers]'' '''Free pizza at city hall!''' **Who: Mrs. Mayor *'''Free! Free!''' **Who: Mr. Krabs *'''Oh! Pizza, pizza! Oh!''' **Who: Patrick Star *'''Well, guess we have to wait until it opens up.''' ''[rolls off]'' '''I'll see you later.''' **Who: Karen Plankton **Source: (S14E7A, PL-1413) **Note: In the episode, When Plankton traveled 2000-ish years later in the future while being stuck in the time capsule, each character say the line before they were passed away between the present and future. In the end, Plankton came back in the present day. *'''Uh, I guess a little nibble wouldn't hurt. Hey! That actually tastes pretty goo--''' **Who: Snow Yellow **Source: (S14E11, Snow Yellow) **Note: Snow Yellow takes a bite of a chum ball, and when he says "Hey! That actually tastes pretty goo--" he turns into a realistic kitchen sponge, leaving The Evil Queen become the squarest of all after being put to dehydration sleep. Later, The seven jellies put Snow Yellow into the plate so he won't get the mold, and now he is revived by The jellies crying. *'''Magic Mirror off the wall, who's the fastest one of all? Me! Oh, great. Seven years bad luck.''' ''[groans]'' **Who: Magic Mirror (Plankton) **Source: (S14E11, Snow Yellow) **Note: Was crushed and shattered by a castle piece and his last words was "Oh, great. Seven years bad luck." Now he was shattered. *'''No! I was the squarest! I was the squarest! Oh, what a world.''' **Who: Karen the Evil Queen **Source: (S14E11, Snow Yellow) **Note: Is unscrewed by Nutty, Dummy, Gary, Drippy, Krusty, Puffy and Cooty's screwdrivers, and is now falling apart after being unscrewed. *'''No!''' **Who: Mr. Squeakers **Source: (S14E12B, Sheldon SquarePants) **Note: When Mr. Squeakers is about to step onto Plankton, SpongeBob comes here and saves the day by stepping onto him instead, bouncing him into the air, exploding himself into confetti. *'''Alas, I have failed! Ow.''' **Who: Art critic **Source: (S15E2A, UpWard) **Notes: Said this before pulling a lever, falling down a trapdoor and incinerating himself and then he says "Ow." *'''Ow.''' **Who: Weenie J. Weiner **Source: (S15E5A, Wiener Takes All) **Note: Is completely blown up along with the Weenie Hut Sr's Building by Mabel after he stretched out his mouth for too long. *'''Report! Report! Report! Report! Explode!''' **Who: Newsbot 2000 **Source: (S15E9A, Smartificial Intelligence) **Notes: Newsbot 2000 had replaced Perch Perkins after he was fired, then he outreported by reporting that Newsbot 2000 did bad things, causing the robot to explode, and Perch being unfired. *'''Wait, I thought I was getting a haircut.''' **Who: Fred *'''Sorry, SpongeBob. I let my fish side get the better of me. Uh oh...''' **Who: Sandy Cheeks **Source: (S15E12B, A Fish Called Sandy) **Notes: Sandy swapped genes with Fred and she turned into a fish. Later, Sandy transforms into a Dunkelousteus prehistoric fish until she is turned back to normal when SpongeBob puts him in her bathtub which was filled with water and squirrel potion. In the end, Fred is turned into a prehistoric squirrel. *'''Nay! Cease! Don't! Please! ''' **Who: Lepre-can't **Source: (S16E10B, Stupor-stition) **Notes: The Lepre-can't is a negative version of the Leprechaun, but SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs and Squidward throw good luck at the Lepre-can't, thus restoring the Leprechaun. *'''Delicious! What a tasty patty!''' **Who: SpongeBorg **Source: (S17E3B, SpongeBob SpareParts) **Notes: SpongeBorg, who replaced the real SpongeBob was given a Krabby Patty by him, then shuts down. Although, he is later powered on at the end. ===''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]''=== *''[scared]'' '''But I need that! You can't leave me like this. I'm all soft and buttery. No. No!''' **Who: Larry the Lobster *'''No. No!''' **Who: Bubble Bass *'''I just opened an unlimited line of credit for you at my daddy's bank.''' **Who: Lady Upturn **Source: (S1E13, Are You Afraid of the Dork?) **Notes: Larry, Bubble Bass and Lady Upturn are captured by The Flying Dutchman. The rest of the campers are released when SpongeBob pours the ash on the fire, shrinking the cloud and trapping the Flying Dutchman inside. *'''Go, Clay, number one! Go, Clay!''' **Who: Clay **Source: (S1E23B, The Perfect Camper) **Notes: Clay was exploded into goop. *'''Thanks! I stole them myself!''' **Who: Stickyfins Whiting *'''What the!?''' **Who: Dorsal Dan **Source: (S2E13, End of Summer Daze) **Notes: Stickyfins and Dorsal Dan entered Kamp Koral with nobody there, until they're attacked by SpongeBob and his jellyfish, chases them away and electrocuted them. In Season 10's "The Getaway," Stickyfins and Dorsal Dan make a return. === ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' === *'''Look at you!''' **Who: The Flim Flam Brothers' Ghosts **Source: (S1E7A, The Haunting of Star House) **Notes: Squidina applies makeup to both ghostly brothers. When they see each other, they mock one another's appearance by saying "Look at you!" They then laugh at each other so hard that their ghostly forms disappear, reverting them to their normal selves. *'''He's gonna take our picture, GrandPat.''' **Who: Cecil Star *'''Picture?''' ''[shivering]'' '''I don't want my picture tooken! Cameras steal your soul!''' **Who: Grandpat Star *'''Uh-uh-oh! He said "Don't move."''' **Who: Bunny Star *'''Say cheese poofs!''' **Who: Squidina Star *'''Oops. I missed.''' **Who: Patrick Star *'''Oh, no.''' **Who: Man Ray **Source: (S1E11A, X Marks The Pot) **Notes: Man Ray suddenly realized that Patrick and the Stars have inhabited his doomsday black hole bomb, and Patrick taps it with a hammer, Man Ray and the Star Family say their last words before the bomb explodes, sending them blown out of Earth and sucked into the black hole, along with other planets. However, at the end of the episode, they're seen in the parallel universe. *'''Huh!? What is that!?''' **Who: Teacher **Source: (S1E19A, Home ECCH!) **Notes: Was poisoned by Squidina's bad pickle pie and sent to the hospital, he had an heart attack before two doctors try to doctor him, but when Squidina comes back to the hospital with the perfect pickle pie she made, she stops the Grim Reaper from taking the teacher's soul, she empties his stomach to throw away the bad pickle pie and saved him. *'''G--get back! Back, you fiend! ''' **Who: Evil Patrick Star **Source: (S1E22A, Dad's Stache Stash) **Notes: Patrick wore this evil mustache and then Cecil stopped him and shaved his mustache off. *'''Wait, why am I up there?''' **Who: Lenny **Source: (S1E23A, The Starry Awards) **Notes: Is hit by a spotlight and turned into a ghost. *'''Dagnabbit, this ain't no talkie! Use the dadgum cards!''' **Who: GrandPat Star *'''Oh, boy...''' **Who: Patrick Star **Source: (S2E8A, Is There A Director In The House?) **Notes: Grandpat and Patrick are both disintegrated into dust after all the water drained, then Sandy cranks a valve that turns on the water levels again, reviving everyone. *'''It's somehow even worse than before!''' **Who: Dragon Carcass Owners Association Member **Source: (S3E2A, Chopping Spree) **Notes: The 3 Dragon Carcass Owners Association (including Richard) members were blinded by Pat the Hapless' fresh scent, and their heads explode. *'''Well, thanks for the ride, fellas. Remember, I was never here.''' **Who: Rube Goldfish **Source: (S3E5A, Driven to Drive) **Notes: Rube faded away after he told Cecil and Patrick he was never here. *'''Nooo!!''' **Who: Comedy K Novelty Tour Guide **Source: (S3E8A, Patrickle Jokes) **Notes: Became vanished after Cecil shoots a glob of disappearing ink at him. *'''Hello? What happened? Who turned out the lights? Huh? Where am I? Hello? Help! Help! Let me out!''' **Who: GrandPat Star **Source: (S4E13, Terror On Tape) **Notes: In this episode, The Stars watch the tape called "A Star Is Unborn" where GrandPat growed up in reverse because Madame Hagfish casted a spell on him, making him disappear for good. == Films == ===''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)=== *'''No, wait, I'm beggin' ya!''' **Who: Eugene H. Krabs **Notes: Mr. Krabs is accused of stealing the King Neptune's crown, and he then freezes him. At the end of the film, King Neptune unfreezes him for now. *'''HEY! You may not knew it, cowboy! But we got a rule around here about blowing bubbles!''' ''[He snaps his fingers, Everyone said the rules, Victor joins them.] '''All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by--''' ''[Dennis: SHUT UP!!]'' ''[He punch up into the sky]'' **Who: Victor **Notes: Get punched up by Dennis into the sky and crashlands into the Thug Tug, which tilts back quickly and sinks off over a cliff. *'''Come on, kiddies, have some ice cream.''' ''[SpongeBob and Patrick scream in terror]'' '''I'll let you pet Mr. Whiskers!''' ''[the part of the tongue shaped like her cat Mr. Whiskers, who meowed. Both SpongeBob and Patrick screamed even more]'' ''[SpongeBob: Jump for it, Patrick!]'' **Who: Frogfish **Notes: SpongeBob and Patrick were being chased by a Frogfish with a tongue that's shaped like an old lady, who desserted them for ice cream, and the frogfish falls into the trench and gets eaten by an eel, which swims back with a U-turn. *'''Oh, I'm a goofy goober, yeah! You're a goofy goober, yeah! We're all goofy goobers, yeah! Goofy... Goofy... Goober... Goober... yeah.''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star **Note: Sang this song before turning into non-living things after being put near the light by The Cyclops. But, eventually the lightbulb burns out by the tear of the Goofy Goober going near the plug. And then the sprinklers go on and revives them and the rest of the fish in Shell City, which they finally arrived in to get King Neptune's Crown. *'''Uh-oh.''' **Who: The Cyclops **Notes: The Cyclops was beaten by resurrected sea creatures of the Shell City. *'''THAT'S IT! I'M TROUGH MESSING AROUND! SEE YA LATER, FOOLS!''' **Who: Dennis **Notes: Dennis is about to step on SpongeBob and Patrick, but the boat hurts Dennis and dies. *'''Out of my way, fools!''' ''[then gets trampled by every fish]'' *'''Come on, I was just kidding. Come on, you guys knew that, didn't you? With the helmets and the monuments.''' ''[laughs]'' '''Wasn't that hilarious, everybody? I'll destroy all of you!''' **Who: Sheldon J. Plankton **Notes: Plankton was trampled by fish, who were saved by SpongeBob's Goofy Goober Guitar, then Plankton is arrested by the police and thrown into the prison truck labeled "Institution for the Criminally Tiny" and the truck drives away. === ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015) === *'''Uh, what did you say? There's sand in my ears and I can't hear you!''' **Who: Burger Beard **Notes: After Burger Beard is defeated by SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Sandy, Mr. Krabs and Plankton and got the secret formula back, he was changed to Painty the Pirate in the final sequence. === ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020) === *'''Get away from those curtains!''' **Who: El Diablo **Notes: He says this just before SpongeBob and Patrick accidentally let sunlight into the saloon. Since El Diablo is a vampire-like ghost, the sunlight disintegrates him, freeing the zombie pirate cowboys he had trapped. ===''[[Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie]]'' (2024)=== *'''''I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!''''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants **Notes: Said this line before he explodes into bits of SpongeBob, he is later reformed after all the bits are put back together. ===''[[Plankton: The Movie]]'' (2025)=== *'''Plankton! Our evil alliance is through!''' **Who: Karen Plankton **Notes: Karen was mad at Plankton after he destroyed fully modern, automated backslash, home-cooking fusion restaurant, and turned into a transformation by Karen's bitterness, hurt, and anger she felt while enduring the painful neglect and ingratitude she received from Plankton for many years began to consume her. She undergoes a wild transformation with red sparks of electricity electrocuting her body. She grows larger wheels, and her hands turn into two blasters. At the end, Karen hugs Plankton, and not mad at all, Mega Karen falls apart and Bikini Bottom becomes restored to normal. ==Video Games== *'''No. No. Not again. This is not fair. I got a frozen wedgie for this. Is this the end of Prawn?''' **Who: Prawn **Source: [[SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom]]/[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom|(Rehydrated)]] (2003/2020) **Notes: Becomes frozen after SpongeBob defeats him, and he becomes awarded with a Golden Spatula by Mermaidman and Barnacleboy. [[Category:Fictional last words]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] 58vojxycovlfkc3ljhzta5eghaupzi3 3955226 3955225 2026-06-22T05:09:40Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 /* Video Games */ 3955226 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants}} These are last words in the ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' franchise, it shows characters that have died in the [[SpongeBob SquarePants|main series]], [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]] and [[The Patrick Star Show]]. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. == Television == === ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' === * '''I take it back, Gary! Something IS wrong with meeeeeee-ow!''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants ** Source: (S1E13B, I Was a Teenage Gary) ** Notes: Was accidentally injected with Snail Plasma by Squidward, causing him to exhibit snail-like behavior until he turns into one, losing his ability to talk and can only communicate by meowing. It is unknown how he got back to normal after the episode. *'''Well, I guess I've got some explaining to do, huh? No. No, no, no! Not the face!''' **Who: Plankton **Source: (S1E15A, Sleepy Time) **Note: In Plankton's dream, Plankton was stomped on by Fred after stepping on SpongeBob who turned into a pin, which causes him to suddenly deflate and shrink. * '''My eyes! My eyes!''' ** Who: A boat driver ** Source: (S2E2A, Something Smells) ** Notes: Is blinded by the stench of SpongeBob's rancid breath and his boat explodes, with the driver nowhere to be seen afterwards. * '''Don't just stand there, dude! The tide's comin' in! Hawhawhawhaw! Dude?''' * '''Dudes! He made me experience high tide! Hawhawhawhaw!''' ** Who: Scooter ** Source: (S2E3B, Bubble Buddy) ** Notes: Was asked to be buried in the sand, but was exposed to high tide and drowns, and comes back as an angel. He is alive again episodes later due to inconsistent continuity. *'''We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. He's not leaving, Orville. You got your night stick ready? FRIED OYSTER SKINS?! Ooooohhhhh...''' ** Who: A Guard in Tentacle Acres ** Source: (S2E9B, Squidville) ** Notes: Is collapsed from smelling Patrick's breath along with Orville. * '''You doodle! Me SpongeBob!!''' * '''Huh?!''' ''['''SpongeBob''': Page for Mr. Doodle!]'' '''''BWAAAAAAAAAA!!!''''' ** Who: DoodleBob ** Source: (S2E19B, Frankendoodle) ** Notes: This is prior to Doodlebob trying to erase Spongebob and he is eventually shut inside a book (the last thing he is heard saying is "Huh? BWAAA!" and becomes an average lifeless doodle (not "dead" but close enough). However, he is reencountered alive and well in season 11's "Doodle Dimension". *'''Huh? Wait! We will bury you...!''' **Who: Worm from Apple World **Source: (S3E8B, Rock A Bye Bivalve) **Notes: In this episode, The worm from Apple World appears in an apple that SpongeBob was holding, then SpongeBob fed the worm to the baby scallop, his last words were "We will bury you...!" before he was eaten. The worm later reappears in season 15's "A Fish Called Sandy" when on the hook. * '''Curses! You win.''' ** Who: Lord Planktonimore **Source: (S4E8, Dunces and Dragons) ** Notes: Electrocuted into a pile of ash by his own jellyfish dragon, wounded, he cries this out after realizing he has lost. It is unknown whether or not he was killed. * '''Well, don't mind if I do.''' ** Who: Old Man Jenkins **Source: (S5E1, Friend or Foe) ** Notes: In the episode Friend or Foe, Krabs and Plankton offer Old Man Jenkins to be their first customer, but the food is so bad it causes him to fall on his back, dead or unconscious. * '''Does that mean I won't get that raise, sir?''' ** Who: Carl **Source: (S4E4A, Selling Out) ** Notes: Swept away in the stream of synthetic krabby patties. A few seasons later reveals he survived. * '''I'm gonna stop this thing, tell my wife I love her! Come get some!''' ** Who: Sergeant Roderick ** Source: (S4E9B, Mrs. Puff, You're Fired) ** Notes: Was run-over by SpongeBob's boat head-on. It's unknown if he made it afterwards. *'''Well, where's your magic now? Oh... where am I? What's going on here?''' [A person behind him lays out melted butter and puts on a bib reading "THE END"] '''Uh-oh. I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! Oh, no!''' **Who: Eugene H. Krabs **Source: (S4E12B, Wishing You Well) **Notes: Mr. Krabs has wished he was a steamed crab on a plate with melted butter and is eaten by a person. * '''Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A 1, a 2 and a --''' [cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried] ** Who: Guitarist #1 **Source: (S5E4B, Sing a Song of Patrick) ** Notes: Said before they perform Patricks song and they died immediately due to Patricks song is so horrible that it killed them for out of no reason at all. * '''Fresh-air dome? Man, I really do stink.''' ** Who: Filthy Phil **Source: (S4E11B, Karate Island) ** Notes: Sandy told Filthy Phil that she had a fresh air dome, and he smelt his stink, and collapsed. * '''Although we've only known each other a short time, I want you to know... I love you.''' ** Who: Mr. Dollar ** Source: (S5E18, What Ever Happened to SpongeBob?) ** Notes: As he and his wife Mrs. Dollar both disintegrate into pieces inside the grease, his last words are spoken as he talks to her one last time. The resulting events lead Mr. Krabs calling SpongeBob "idiot boy". * '''Please, please, somebody put me out of my misery!''' ''[coughs]'' '''Have mercy on my soul...!''' ** Who: Squidward's toilet ** Source: (S6E2, House Fancy) ** Notes: After Patrick finishes using Squidward's bathroom, Squidward's toilet then crawls out and dies in Squidward's hands. *'''Not Nuclear Touch!''' **Who: HandFace **Source: (S7E9B, The Bad Guy Club for Villians) **Notes: HandFace who grew out of Barnacle Boy's body, but is pushed towards Atomic Flounder's nuclear touch and disappers. * '''Hey, what are you doing, you crazy bushy-tailed rodent?! HEY!''' ** Who: Abrasive SpongeBob ** Source: (S7E20, The Abrasive Side) ** Notes: Gary had ordered a product for SpongeBob that finally helped him learned to say "No" to everyone, Sandy rips the abrasive side off of SpongeBob's back and it stung so bad, it is shown to be barking. * '''You're throwing in the towel?''' ['''Karen''': You heartless homepage wrecking hussy!] ** Who: Karen 2 ** Source: (S8E19A, Karen 2.0) ** Note: Is destroyed by Karen. * '''I am ready to destroy Christmas.''' [transforms into his mega mode] '''Destroy Santa.''' ['''SpongeBob''': You want Santa? You have to go through me.] '''Okey-dokey.''' ** Who: ToyBob / Mega ToyBob **Source: (S8E23, It's A SpongeBob Christmas!) ** Notes: ToyBob was built by Plankton to destroy SpongeBob's good name since SpongeBob is immune to Jerktonium; he later tried to destroy Santa, but SpongeBob saved Christmas by shooting fruitcake at ToyBot, causing him to short circuit and explode, leaving his wind-up behind. * '''Ha! Let's try that again, but this time, I attack!''' ** Who: Dirty Bubble ** Source: (S9E2, Patrick-Man!) ** Note: He decides to charge at Patrick-Man but Patrick-Man spots a Krabby Patty on the ground and bends over with his ice cream cone hat popping the Dirty Bubble and freeing SpongeBob. * '''I feel funny.''' ** Who: SpongeBob's first clone ("Me Two") ** Note: Plankton used cheap toner on the copy machine used to make the SpongeBob clones, so after a while, Me Two and the others turn grey, squeeze and roll up into a burrito shape before they disappear from existence. * '''It's easy! You take one par -- ohhhh, I don't feel so good!''' ** Who: Another SpongeBob Clone **Source: (S9E20B, CopyBob DittoPants) * '''In fact... I'm not even here.''' ** Who: Rube Goldfish **Source: (S11E6A, No Pictures Please) ** Note: Rube tells Everyone this just before his voice fades away and his body completely disappears. The joke is that Rube is revealed to have been an illusion (or a mysterious apparition) at that moment. Despite this apparent disappearance, he later appears alive and well in other episodes, so it isn't treated as a permanent death within the series' continuity. *'''Wait, no! No! What? Oh pellats.''' **Who: Cuddle E. Hugs **Source: (S11E10A, Cuddle E. Hugs) **Notes: After telling SpongeBob that the "E." in his name stands for "Eat," Cuddle E. Hugs is given the last expired Krabby Patty. Later, he ends up trapped in a hamster cage, realizes he's about to be fed hamster pellets. * '''MEOW!''' **Who: Gary the Snail **Source: (S11E20B, Library Cards) **Notes: Is accidentally shrunk and multiplied into snails, and is put back together by SpongeBob. * '''Yummy!''' ** Who: Filthy Muck **Source: (S12E2B, The Ballad of Filthy Muck) ** Note: A garbage creature who resembles Patrick. This was the only thing he says throughout the episode; he is mute the whole time he spends with SpongeBob, before being disintegrated by the Bikini Bottomites' cleaning materials. However in season 13's "Goofy Scoopers", Filthy Muck made an non speaking appearance. * '''No way, Man Ray! I was first!''' ''['''Man Ray''': First to go bye-bye. [cackles]]'' '''Huh?''' '''''AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!''''' ** Who: Tattletale Strangler **Source: (S13E10B, Captain Pipsqueak) ** Note: Was supposed to join the League of E.V.I.L., but is zapped by Man Ray and turned into a pile of ashes. It is unknown if he was killed off or not since the series has loose continuity. * '''I am going have to live next to that?''' ** Who: Squid-Bot Clone **Source: (S13E12A, Welcome to Binary Bottom) ** Note: Squid-Bot Clone was built by SquidBot, but he ended up pressing a button, causing him to self destruct. * '''Oooh, that's a nice one, but I can't right now Mr. Tentacles. Please step aside, Mmmm-hmmmm....''' ** Who: Petunia **Source: (S13E17A, The Flower Plot) ** Note: Was holding explosive flowers and Squidward was attempted to marry her, but is exploded in front of him, leaving him charred and stunned, and the robot is revealed to be Plankton after all. *'''All this for little old me. Ha-ha. Why, if you'd told me when I was a lifeless pile of ingredients that someday I'd...''' **Who: Krabby Patty **Source: (S13E22A, My Friend Patty) **Note: Was eaten by Gary. *'''I'm the oldest!''' **Who: Old Mrs. Perkins **Source: (S13E22B, FUN-Beleivable) **Note: Gets turned into dust after saying the exact line. *'''Oh, fiddlesticks!''' **Who: Percival Rockhound **Source: (S14E5B, Pet the Rock) **Notes: Rolly is revealed to be a dinosaur at the end of the episode, and he eats Percival Rockhound. *'''Oh, I don't know, like, 2,000-ish years.''' **Who: Sandy Cheeks *'''I just want to leave a happy message for the good people of tomorrow.''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants *'''Hey, what are you doing with my clarinet?''' **Who: Squidward Tentacles *'''As I was saying, thanks for coming, everybody.''' ''[points with her fingers]'' '''Free pizza at city hall!''' **Who: Mrs. Mayor *'''Free! Free!''' **Who: Mr. Krabs *'''Oh! Pizza, pizza! Oh!''' **Who: Patrick Star *'''Well, guess we have to wait until it opens up.''' ''[rolls off]'' '''I'll see you later.''' **Who: Karen Plankton **Source: (S14E7A, PL-1413) **Note: In the episode, When Plankton traveled 2000-ish years later in the future while being stuck in the time capsule, each character say the line before they were passed away between the present and future. In the end, Plankton came back in the present day. *'''Uh, I guess a little nibble wouldn't hurt. Hey! That actually tastes pretty goo--''' **Who: Snow Yellow **Source: (S14E11, Snow Yellow) **Note: Snow Yellow takes a bite of a chum ball, and when he says "Hey! That actually tastes pretty goo--" he turns into a realistic kitchen sponge, leaving The Evil Queen become the squarest of all after being put to dehydration sleep. Later, The seven jellies put Snow Yellow into the plate so he won't get the mold, and now he is revived by The jellies crying. *'''Magic Mirror off the wall, who's the fastest one of all? Me! Oh, great. Seven years bad luck.''' ''[groans]'' **Who: Magic Mirror (Plankton) **Source: (S14E11, Snow Yellow) **Note: Was crushed and shattered by a castle piece and his last words was "Oh, great. Seven years bad luck." Now he was shattered. *'''No! I was the squarest! I was the squarest! Oh, what a world.''' **Who: Karen the Evil Queen **Source: (S14E11, Snow Yellow) **Note: Is unscrewed by Nutty, Dummy, Gary, Drippy, Krusty, Puffy and Cooty's screwdrivers, and is now falling apart after being unscrewed. *'''No!''' **Who: Mr. Squeakers **Source: (S14E12B, Sheldon SquarePants) **Note: When Mr. Squeakers is about to step onto Plankton, SpongeBob comes here and saves the day by stepping onto him instead, bouncing him into the air, exploding himself into confetti. *'''Alas, I have failed! Ow.''' **Who: Art critic **Source: (S15E2A, UpWard) **Notes: Said this before pulling a lever, falling down a trapdoor and incinerating himself and then he says "Ow." *'''Ow.''' **Who: Weenie J. Weiner **Source: (S15E5A, Wiener Takes All) **Note: Is completely blown up along with the Weenie Hut Sr's Building by Mabel after he stretched out his mouth for too long. *'''Report! Report! Report! Report! Explode!''' **Who: Newsbot 2000 **Source: (S15E9A, Smartificial Intelligence) **Notes: Newsbot 2000 had replaced Perch Perkins after he was fired, then he outreported by reporting that Newsbot 2000 did bad things, causing the robot to explode, and Perch being unfired. *'''Wait, I thought I was getting a haircut.''' **Who: Fred *'''Sorry, SpongeBob. I let my fish side get the better of me. Uh oh...''' **Who: Sandy Cheeks **Source: (S15E12B, A Fish Called Sandy) **Notes: Sandy swapped genes with Fred and she turned into a fish. Later, Sandy transforms into a Dunkelousteus prehistoric fish until she is turned back to normal when SpongeBob puts him in her bathtub which was filled with water and squirrel potion. In the end, Fred is turned into a prehistoric squirrel. *'''Nay! Cease! Don't! Please! ''' **Who: Lepre-can't **Source: (S16E10B, Stupor-stition) **Notes: The Lepre-can't is a negative version of the Leprechaun, but SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs and Squidward throw good luck at the Lepre-can't, thus restoring the Leprechaun. *'''Delicious! What a tasty patty!''' **Who: SpongeBorg **Source: (S17E3B, SpongeBob SpareParts) **Notes: SpongeBorg, who replaced the real SpongeBob was given a Krabby Patty by him, then shuts down. Although, he is later powered on at the end. ===''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]''=== *''[scared]'' '''But I need that! You can't leave me like this. I'm all soft and buttery. No. No!''' **Who: Larry the Lobster *'''No. No!''' **Who: Bubble Bass *'''I just opened an unlimited line of credit for you at my daddy's bank.''' **Who: Lady Upturn **Source: (S1E13, Are You Afraid of the Dork?) **Notes: Larry, Bubble Bass and Lady Upturn are captured by The Flying Dutchman. The rest of the campers are released when SpongeBob pours the ash on the fire, shrinking the cloud and trapping the Flying Dutchman inside. *'''Go, Clay, number one! Go, Clay!''' **Who: Clay **Source: (S1E23B, The Perfect Camper) **Notes: Clay was exploded into goop. *'''Thanks! I stole them myself!''' **Who: Stickyfins Whiting *'''What the!?''' **Who: Dorsal Dan **Source: (S2E13, End of Summer Daze) **Notes: Stickyfins and Dorsal Dan entered Kamp Koral with nobody there, until they're attacked by SpongeBob and his jellyfish, chases them away and electrocuted them. In Season 10's "The Getaway," Stickyfins and Dorsal Dan make a return. === ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' === *'''Look at you!''' **Who: The Flim Flam Brothers' Ghosts **Source: (S1E7A, The Haunting of Star House) **Notes: Squidina applies makeup to both ghostly brothers. When they see each other, they mock one another's appearance by saying "Look at you!" They then laugh at each other so hard that their ghostly forms disappear, reverting them to their normal selves. *'''He's gonna take our picture, GrandPat.''' **Who: Cecil Star *'''Picture?''' ''[shivering]'' '''I don't want my picture tooken! Cameras steal your soul!''' **Who: Grandpat Star *'''Uh-uh-oh! He said "Don't move."''' **Who: Bunny Star *'''Say cheese poofs!''' **Who: Squidina Star *'''Oops. I missed.''' **Who: Patrick Star *'''Oh, no.''' **Who: Man Ray **Source: (S1E11A, X Marks The Pot) **Notes: Man Ray suddenly realized that Patrick and the Stars have inhabited his doomsday black hole bomb, and Patrick taps it with a hammer, Man Ray and the Star Family say their last words before the bomb explodes, sending them blown out of Earth and sucked into the black hole, along with other planets. However, at the end of the episode, they're seen in the parallel universe. *'''Huh!? What is that!?''' **Who: Teacher **Source: (S1E19A, Home ECCH!) **Notes: Was poisoned by Squidina's bad pickle pie and sent to the hospital, he had an heart attack before two doctors try to doctor him, but when Squidina comes back to the hospital with the perfect pickle pie she made, she stops the Grim Reaper from taking the teacher's soul, she empties his stomach to throw away the bad pickle pie and saved him. *'''G--get back! Back, you fiend! ''' **Who: Evil Patrick Star **Source: (S1E22A, Dad's Stache Stash) **Notes: Patrick wore this evil mustache and then Cecil stopped him and shaved his mustache off. *'''Wait, why am I up there?''' **Who: Lenny **Source: (S1E23A, The Starry Awards) **Notes: Is hit by a spotlight and turned into a ghost. *'''Dagnabbit, this ain't no talkie! Use the dadgum cards!''' **Who: GrandPat Star *'''Oh, boy...''' **Who: Patrick Star **Source: (S2E8A, Is There A Director In The House?) **Notes: Grandpat and Patrick are both disintegrated into dust after all the water drained, then Sandy cranks a valve that turns on the water levels again, reviving everyone. *'''It's somehow even worse than before!''' **Who: Dragon Carcass Owners Association Member **Source: (S3E2A, Chopping Spree) **Notes: The 3 Dragon Carcass Owners Association (including Richard) members were blinded by Pat the Hapless' fresh scent, and their heads explode. *'''Well, thanks for the ride, fellas. Remember, I was never here.''' **Who: Rube Goldfish **Source: (S3E5A, Driven to Drive) **Notes: Rube faded away after he told Cecil and Patrick he was never here. *'''Nooo!!''' **Who: Comedy K Novelty Tour Guide **Source: (S3E8A, Patrickle Jokes) **Notes: Became vanished after Cecil shoots a glob of disappearing ink at him. *'''Hello? What happened? Who turned out the lights? Huh? Where am I? Hello? Help! Help! Let me out!''' **Who: GrandPat Star **Source: (S4E13, Terror On Tape) **Notes: In this episode, The Stars watch the tape called "A Star Is Unborn" where GrandPat growed up in reverse because Madame Hagfish casted a spell on him, making him disappear for good. == Films == ===''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)=== *'''No, wait, I'm beggin' ya!''' **Who: Eugene H. Krabs **Notes: Mr. Krabs is accused of stealing the King Neptune's crown, and he then freezes him. At the end of the film, King Neptune unfreezes him for now. *'''HEY! You may not knew it, cowboy! But we got a rule around here about blowing bubbles!''' ''[He snaps his fingers, Everyone said the rules, Victor joins them.] '''All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by--''' ''[Dennis: SHUT UP!!]'' ''[He punch up into the sky]'' **Who: Victor **Notes: Get punched up by Dennis into the sky and crashlands into the Thug Tug, which tilts back quickly and sinks off over a cliff. *'''Come on, kiddies, have some ice cream.''' ''[SpongeBob and Patrick scream in terror]'' '''I'll let you pet Mr. Whiskers!''' ''[the part of the tongue shaped like her cat Mr. Whiskers, who meowed. Both SpongeBob and Patrick screamed even more]'' ''[SpongeBob: Jump for it, Patrick!]'' **Who: Frogfish **Notes: SpongeBob and Patrick were being chased by a Frogfish with a tongue that's shaped like an old lady, who desserted them for ice cream, and the frogfish falls into the trench and gets eaten by an eel, which swims back with a U-turn. *'''Oh, I'm a goofy goober, yeah! You're a goofy goober, yeah! We're all goofy goobers, yeah! Goofy... Goofy... Goober... Goober... yeah.''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star **Note: Sang this song before turning into non-living things after being put near the light by The Cyclops. But, eventually the lightbulb burns out by the tear of the Goofy Goober going near the plug. And then the sprinklers go on and revives them and the rest of the fish in Shell City, which they finally arrived in to get King Neptune's Crown. *'''Uh-oh.''' **Who: The Cyclops **Notes: The Cyclops was beaten by resurrected sea creatures of the Shell City. *'''THAT'S IT! I'M TROUGH MESSING AROUND! SEE YA LATER, FOOLS!''' **Who: Dennis **Notes: Dennis is about to step on SpongeBob and Patrick, but the boat hurts Dennis and dies. *'''Out of my way, fools!''' ''[then gets trampled by every fish]'' *'''Come on, I was just kidding. Come on, you guys knew that, didn't you? With the helmets and the monuments.''' ''[laughs]'' '''Wasn't that hilarious, everybody? I'll destroy all of you!''' **Who: Sheldon J. Plankton **Notes: Plankton was trampled by fish, who were saved by SpongeBob's Goofy Goober Guitar, then Plankton is arrested by the police and thrown into the prison truck labeled "Institution for the Criminally Tiny" and the truck drives away. === ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015) === *'''Uh, what did you say? There's sand in my ears and I can't hear you!''' **Who: Burger Beard **Notes: After Burger Beard is defeated by SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Sandy, Mr. Krabs and Plankton and got the secret formula back, he was changed to Painty the Pirate in the final sequence. === ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020) === *'''Get away from those curtains!''' **Who: El Diablo **Notes: He says this just before SpongeBob and Patrick accidentally let sunlight into the saloon. Since El Diablo is a vampire-like ghost, the sunlight disintegrates him, freeing the zombie pirate cowboys he had trapped. ===''[[Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie]]'' (2024)=== *'''''I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!''''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants **Notes: Said this line before he explodes into bits of SpongeBob, he is later reformed after all the bits are put back together. ===''[[Plankton: The Movie]]'' (2025)=== *'''Plankton! Our evil alliance is through!''' **Who: Karen Plankton **Notes: Karen was mad at Plankton after he destroyed fully modern, automated backslash, home-cooking fusion restaurant, and turned into a transformation by Karen's bitterness, hurt, and anger she felt while enduring the painful neglect and ingratitude she received from Plankton for many years began to consume her. She undergoes a wild transformation with red sparks of electricity electrocuting her body. She grows larger wheels, and her hands turn into two blasters. At the end, Karen hugs Plankton, and not mad at all, Mega Karen falls apart and Bikini Bottom becomes restored to normal. ==Video Games== *'''No. No. Not again. This is not fair. I got a frozen wedgie for this. Is this the end of Prawn?''' **Who: Prawn **Source: [[SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom]]/[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom|(Rehydrated)]] (2003/2020) **Notes: Becomes frozen after SpongeBob defeats him, and he becomes awarded with a Golden Spatula by Mermaidman and Barnacleboy. *'''That's it! I'm through messing around! See you later, fools!''' (hears honking) '''Huh?''' (screaming when seeing a catamaran, and he is defeated) **Source: [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (video game)]] (2004) **Notes: TBA [[Category:Fictional last words]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] 6n1a8c1e0xhf5e9huwqopo8y4j7nly6 3955227 3955226 2026-06-22T05:14:49Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 /* SpongeBob SquarePants */ 3955227 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants}} These are last words in the ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' franchise, it shows characters that have died in the [[SpongeBob SquarePants|main series]], [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]] and [[The Patrick Star Show]]. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. == Television == === ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' === * '''I take it back, Gary! Something IS wrong with meeeeeee-ow!''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants ** Source: (S1E13B, I Was a Teenage Gary) ** Notes: Was accidentally injected with Snail Plasma by Squidward, causing him to exhibit snail-like behavior until he turns into one, losing his ability to talk and can only communicate by meowing. It is unknown how he got back to normal after the episode. *'''Well, I guess I've got some explaining to do, huh? No. No, no, no! Not the face!''' **Who: Plankton **Source: (S1E15A, Sleepy Time) **Note: In Plankton's dream, Plankton was stomped on by Fred after stepping on SpongeBob who turned into a pin, which causes him to suddenly deflate and shrink. * '''My eyes! My eyes!''' ** Who: A boat driver ** Source: (S2E2A, Something Smells) ** Notes: Is blinded by the stench of SpongeBob's rancid breath and his boat explodes, with the driver nowhere to be seen afterwards. * '''Don't just stand there, dude! The tide's comin' in! Hawhawhawhaw! Dude?''' * '''Dudes! He made me experience high tide! Hawhawhawhaw!''' ** Who: Scooter ** Source: (S2E3B, Bubble Buddy) ** Notes: Was asked to be buried in the sand, but was exposed to high tide and drowns, and comes back as an angel. He is alive again episodes later due to inconsistent continuity. *'''We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. He's not leaving, Orville. You got your night stick ready? FRIED OYSTER SKINS?! Ooooohhhhh...''' ** Who: A Guard in Tentacle Acres ** Source: (S2E9B, Squidville) ** Notes: Is collapsed from smelling Patrick's breath along with Orville. * '''You doodle! Me SpongeBob!!''' * '''Huh?!''' ''['''SpongeBob''': Page for Mr. Doodle!]'' '''''BWAAAAAAAAAA!!!''''' ** Who: DoodleBob ** Source: (S2E19B, Frankendoodle) ** Notes: This is prior to Doodlebob trying to erase Spongebob and he is eventually shut inside a book (the last thing he is heard saying is "Huh? BWAAA!" and becomes an average lifeless doodle (not "dead" but close enough). However, he is reencountered alive and well in season 11's "Doodle Dimension". *'''Huh? Wait! We will bury you...!''' **Who: Worm from Apple World **Source: (S3E8B, Rock A Bye Bivalve) **Notes: In this episode, The worm from Apple World appears in an apple that SpongeBob was holding, then SpongeBob fed the worm to the baby scallop, his last words were "We will bury you...!" before he was eaten. The worm later reappears in season 15's "A Fish Called Sandy" when on the hook. * '''Curses! You win.''' ** Who: Lord Planktonimore **Source: (S4E8, Dunces and Dragons) ** Notes: Electrocuted into a pile of ash by his own jellyfish dragon, wounded, he cries this out after realizing he has lost. It is unknown whether or not he was killed. * '''Well, don't mind if I do.''' ** Who: Old Man Jenkins **Source: (S5E1, Friend or Foe) ** Notes: In the episode Friend or Foe, Krabs and Plankton offer Old Man Jenkins to be their first customer, but the food is so bad it causes him to fall on his back, dead or unconscious. * '''Does that mean I won't get that raise, sir?''' ** Who: Carl **Source: (S4E4A, Selling Out) ** Notes: Swept away in the stream of synthetic krabby patties. A few seasons later reveals he survived. * '''I'm gonna stop this thing, tell my wife I love her! Come get some!''' ** Who: Sergeant Roderick ** Source: (S4E9B, Mrs. Puff, You're Fired) ** Notes: Was run-over by SpongeBob's boat head-on. It's unknown if he made it afterwards. *'''Well, where's your magic now? Oh... where am I? What's going on here?''' [A person behind him lays out melted butter and puts on a bib reading "THE END"] '''Uh-oh. I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! Oh, no!''' **Who: Eugene H. Krabs **Source: (S4E12B, Wishing You Well) **Notes: Mr. Krabs has wished he was a steamed crab on a plate with melted butter and is eaten by a person. * '''Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A 1, a 2 and a --''' [cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried] ** Who: Guitarist #1 **Source: (S5E4B, Sing a Song of Patrick) ** Notes: Said before they perform Patricks song and they died immediately due to Patricks song is so horrible that it killed them for out of no reason at all. * '''Fresh-air dome? Man, I really do stink.''' ** Who: Filthy Phil **Source: (S4E11B, Karate Island) ** Notes: Sandy told Filthy Phil that she had a fresh air dome, and he smelt his stink, and collapsed. * '''Although we've only known each other a short time, I want you to know... I love you.''' ** Who: Mr. Dollar ** Source: (S5E18, What Ever Happened to SpongeBob?) ** Notes: As he and his wife Mrs. Dollar both disintegrate into pieces inside the grease, his last words are spoken as he talks to her one last time. The resulting events lead Mr. Krabs calling SpongeBob "idiot boy". * '''Please, please, somebody put me out of my misery!''' ''[coughs]'' '''Have mercy on my soul...!''' ** Who: Squidward's toilet ** Source: (S6E2A, House Fancy) ** Notes: After Patrick finishes using Squidward's bathroom, Squidward's toilet then crawls out and dies in Squidward's hands. *'''Not Nuclear Touch!''' **Who: HandFace **Source: (S7E9B, The Bad Guy Club for Villians) **Notes: HandFace who grew out of Barnacle Boy's body, but is pushed towards Atomic Flounder's nuclear touch and disappers. * '''Hey, what are you doing, you crazy bushy-tailed rodent?! HEY!''' ** Who: Abrasive SpongeBob ** Source: (S7E20, The Abrasive Side) ** Notes: Gary had ordered a product for SpongeBob that finally helped him learned to say "No" to everyone, Sandy rips the abrasive side off of SpongeBob's back and it stung so bad, it is shown to be barking. * '''You're throwing in the towel?''' ['''Karen''': You heartless homepage wrecking hussy!] ** Who: Karen 2 ** Source: (S8E19A, Karen 2.0) ** Note: Is destroyed by Karen. * '''I am ready to destroy Christmas.''' [transforms into his mega mode] '''Destroy Santa.''' ['''SpongeBob''': You want Santa? You have to go through me.] '''Okey-dokey.''' ** Who: ToyBob / Mega ToyBob **Source: (S8E23, It's A SpongeBob Christmas!) ** Notes: ToyBob was built by Plankton to destroy SpongeBob's good name since SpongeBob is immune to Jerktonium; he later tried to destroy Santa, but SpongeBob saved Christmas by shooting fruitcake at ToyBot, causing him to short circuit and explode, leaving his wind-up behind. * '''Ha! Let's try that again, but this time, I attack!''' ** Who: Dirty Bubble ** Source: (S9E2A, Patrick-Man!) ** Note: He decides to charge at Patrick-Man but Patrick-Man spots a Krabby Patty on the ground and bends over with his ice cream cone hat popping the Dirty Bubble and freeing SpongeBob. * '''I feel funny.''' ** Who: SpongeBob's first clone ("Me Two") ** Note: Plankton used cheap toner on the copy machine used to make the SpongeBob clones, so after a while, Me Two and the others turn grey, squeeze and roll up into a burrito shape before they disappear from existence. * '''It's easy! You take one par -- ohhhh, I don't feel so good!''' ** Who: Another SpongeBob Clone **Source: (S9E20B, CopyBob DittoPants) * '''In fact... I'm not even here.''' ** Who: Rube Goldfish **Source: (S11E6A, No Pictures Please) ** Note: Rube tells Everyone this just before his voice fades away and his body completely disappears. The joke is that Rube is revealed to have been an illusion (or a mysterious apparition) at that moment. Despite this apparent disappearance, he later appears alive and well in other episodes, so it isn't treated as a permanent death within the series' continuity. *'''Wait, no! No! What? Oh pellats.''' **Who: Cuddle E. Hugs **Source: (S11E10A, Cuddle E. Hugs) **Notes: After telling SpongeBob that the "E." in his name stands for "Eat," Cuddle E. Hugs is given the last expired Krabby Patty. Later, he ends up trapped in a hamster cage, realizes he's about to be fed hamster pellets. * '''MEOW!''' **Who: Gary the Snail **Source: (S11E20B, Library Cards) **Notes: Is accidentally shrunk and multiplied into snails, and is put back together by SpongeBob. * '''Yummy!''' ** Who: Filthy Muck **Source: (S12E2B, The Ballad of Filthy Muck) ** Note: A garbage creature who resembles Patrick. This was the only thing he says throughout the episode; he is mute the whole time he spends with SpongeBob, before being disintegrated by the Bikini Bottomites' cleaning materials. However in season 13's "Goofy Scoopers", Filthy Muck made an non speaking appearance. * '''No way, Man Ray! I was first!''' ''['''Man Ray''': First to go bye-bye. [cackles]]'' '''Huh?''' '''''AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!''''' ** Who: Tattletale Strangler **Source: (S13E10B, Captain Pipsqueak) ** Note: Was supposed to join the League of E.V.I.L., but is zapped by Man Ray and turned into a pile of ashes. It is unknown if he was killed off or not since the series has loose continuity. * '''I am going have to live next to that?''' ** Who: Squid-Bot Clone **Source: (S13E12A, Welcome to Binary Bottom) ** Note: Squid-Bot Clone was built by SquidBot, but he ended up pressing a button, causing him to self destruct. * '''Oooh, that's a nice one, but I can't right now Mr. Tentacles. Please step aside, Mmmm-hmmmm....''' ** Who: Petunia **Source: (S13E17A, The Flower Plot) ** Note: Was holding explosive flowers and Squidward was attempted to marry her, but is exploded in front of him, leaving him charred and stunned, and the robot is revealed to be Plankton after all. *'''All this for little old me. Ha-ha. Why, if you'd told me when I was a lifeless pile of ingredients that someday I'd...''' **Who: Krabby Patty **Source: (S13E22A, My Friend Patty) **Note: Was eaten by Gary. *'''I'm the oldest!''' **Who: Old Mrs. Perkins **Source: (S13E22B, FUN-Beleivable) **Note: Gets turned into dust after saying the exact line. *'''Oh, fiddlesticks!''' **Who: Percival Rockhound **Source: (S14E5B, Pet the Rock) **Notes: Rolly is revealed to be a dinosaur at the end of the episode, and he eats Percival Rockhound. *'''Oh, I don't know, like, 2,000-ish years.''' **Who: Sandy Cheeks *'''I just want to leave a happy message for the good people of tomorrow.''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants *'''Hey, what are you doing with my clarinet?''' **Who: Squidward Tentacles *'''As I was saying, thanks for coming, everybody.''' ''[points with her fingers]'' '''Free pizza at city hall!''' **Who: Mrs. Mayor *'''Free! Free!''' **Who: Mr. Krabs *'''Oh! Pizza, pizza! Oh!''' **Who: Patrick Star *'''Well, guess we have to wait until it opens up.''' ''[rolls off]'' '''I'll see you later.''' **Who: Karen Plankton **Source: (S14E7A, PL-1413) **Note: In the episode, When Plankton traveled 2000-ish years later in the future while being stuck in the time capsule, each character say the line before they were passed away between the present and future. In the end, Plankton came back in the present day. *'''Uh, I guess a little nibble wouldn't hurt. Hey! That actually tastes pretty goo--''' **Who: Snow Yellow **Source: (S14E11, Snow Yellow) **Note: Snow Yellow takes a bite of a chum ball, and when he says "Hey! That actually tastes pretty goo--" he turns into a realistic kitchen sponge, leaving The Evil Queen become the squarest of all after being put to dehydration sleep. Later, The seven jellies put Snow Yellow into the plate so he won't get the mold, and now he is revived by The jellies crying. *'''Magic Mirror off the wall, who's the fastest one of all? Me! Oh, great. Seven years bad luck.''' ''[groans]'' **Who: Magic Mirror (Plankton) **Source: (S14E11, Snow Yellow) **Note: Was crushed and shattered by a castle piece and his last words was "Oh, great. Seven years bad luck." Now he was shattered. *'''No! I was the squarest! I was the squarest! Oh, what a world.''' **Who: Karen the Evil Queen **Source: (S14E11, Snow Yellow) **Note: Is unscrewed by Nutty, Dummy, Gary, Drippy, Krusty, Puffy and Cooty's screwdrivers, and is now falling apart after being unscrewed. *'''No!''' **Who: Mr. Squeakers **Source: (S14E12B, Sheldon SquarePants) **Note: When Mr. Squeakers is about to step onto Plankton, SpongeBob comes here and saves the day by stepping onto him instead, bouncing him into the air, exploding himself into confetti. *'''Alas, I have failed! Ow.''' **Who: Art critic **Source: (S15E2A, UpWard) **Notes: Said this before pulling a lever, falling down a trapdoor and incinerating himself and then he says "Ow." *'''Ow.''' **Who: Weenie J. Weiner **Source: (S15E5A, Wiener Takes All) **Note: Is completely blown up along with the Weenie Hut Sr's Building by Mabel after he stretched out his mouth for too long. *'''Report! Report! Report! Report! Explode!''' **Who: Newsbot 2000 **Source: (S15E9A, Smartificial Intelligence) **Notes: Newsbot 2000 had replaced Perch Perkins after he was fired, then he outreported by reporting that Newsbot 2000 did bad things, causing the robot to explode, and Perch being unfired. *'''Wait, I thought I was getting a haircut.''' **Who: Fred *'''Sorry, SpongeBob. I let my fish side get the better of me. Uh oh...''' **Who: Sandy Cheeks **Source: (S15E12B, A Fish Called Sandy) **Notes: Sandy swapped genes with Fred and she turned into a fish. Later, Sandy transforms into a Dunkelousteus prehistoric fish until she is turned back to normal when SpongeBob puts him in her bathtub which was filled with water and squirrel potion. In the end, Fred is turned into a prehistoric squirrel. *'''Nay! Cease! Don't! Please! ''' **Who: Lepre-can't **Source: (S16E10B, Stupor-stition) **Notes: The Lepre-can't is a negative version of the Leprechaun, but SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs and Squidward throw good luck at the Lepre-can't, thus restoring the Leprechaun. *'''Delicious! What a tasty patty!''' **Who: SpongeBorg **Source: (S17E3B, SpongeBob SpareParts) **Notes: SpongeBorg, who replaced the real SpongeBob was given a Krabby Patty by him, then shuts down. Although, he is later powered on at the end. ===''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]''=== *''[scared]'' '''But I need that! You can't leave me like this. I'm all soft and buttery. No. No!''' **Who: Larry the Lobster *'''No. No!''' **Who: Bubble Bass *'''I just opened an unlimited line of credit for you at my daddy's bank.''' **Who: Lady Upturn **Source: (S1E13, Are You Afraid of the Dork?) **Notes: Larry, Bubble Bass and Lady Upturn are captured by The Flying Dutchman. The rest of the campers are released when SpongeBob pours the ash on the fire, shrinking the cloud and trapping the Flying Dutchman inside. *'''Go, Clay, number one! Go, Clay!''' **Who: Clay **Source: (S1E23B, The Perfect Camper) **Notes: Clay was exploded into goop. *'''Thanks! I stole them myself!''' **Who: Stickyfins Whiting *'''What the!?''' **Who: Dorsal Dan **Source: (S2E13, End of Summer Daze) **Notes: Stickyfins and Dorsal Dan entered Kamp Koral with nobody there, until they're attacked by SpongeBob and his jellyfish, chases them away and electrocuted them. In Season 10's "The Getaway," Stickyfins and Dorsal Dan make a return. === ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' === *'''Look at you!''' **Who: The Flim Flam Brothers' Ghosts **Source: (S1E7A, The Haunting of Star House) **Notes: Squidina applies makeup to both ghostly brothers. When they see each other, they mock one another's appearance by saying "Look at you!" They then laugh at each other so hard that their ghostly forms disappear, reverting them to their normal selves. *'''He's gonna take our picture, GrandPat.''' **Who: Cecil Star *'''Picture?''' ''[shivering]'' '''I don't want my picture tooken! Cameras steal your soul!''' **Who: Grandpat Star *'''Uh-uh-oh! He said "Don't move."''' **Who: Bunny Star *'''Say cheese poofs!''' **Who: Squidina Star *'''Oops. I missed.''' **Who: Patrick Star *'''Oh, no.''' **Who: Man Ray **Source: (S1E11A, X Marks The Pot) **Notes: Man Ray suddenly realized that Patrick and the Stars have inhabited his doomsday black hole bomb, and Patrick taps it with a hammer, Man Ray and the Star Family say their last words before the bomb explodes, sending them blown out of Earth and sucked into the black hole, along with other planets. However, at the end of the episode, they're seen in the parallel universe. *'''Huh!? What is that!?''' **Who: Teacher **Source: (S1E19A, Home ECCH!) **Notes: Was poisoned by Squidina's bad pickle pie and sent to the hospital, he had an heart attack before two doctors try to doctor him, but when Squidina comes back to the hospital with the perfect pickle pie she made, she stops the Grim Reaper from taking the teacher's soul, she empties his stomach to throw away the bad pickle pie and saved him. *'''G--get back! Back, you fiend! ''' **Who: Evil Patrick Star **Source: (S1E22A, Dad's Stache Stash) **Notes: Patrick wore this evil mustache and then Cecil stopped him and shaved his mustache off. *'''Wait, why am I up there?''' **Who: Lenny **Source: (S1E23A, The Starry Awards) **Notes: Is hit by a spotlight and turned into a ghost. *'''Dagnabbit, this ain't no talkie! Use the dadgum cards!''' **Who: GrandPat Star *'''Oh, boy...''' **Who: Patrick Star **Source: (S2E8A, Is There A Director In The House?) **Notes: Grandpat and Patrick are both disintegrated into dust after all the water drained, then Sandy cranks a valve that turns on the water levels again, reviving everyone. *'''It's somehow even worse than before!''' **Who: Dragon Carcass Owners Association Member **Source: (S3E2A, Chopping Spree) **Notes: The 3 Dragon Carcass Owners Association (including Richard) members were blinded by Pat the Hapless' fresh scent, and their heads explode. *'''Well, thanks for the ride, fellas. Remember, I was never here.''' **Who: Rube Goldfish **Source: (S3E5A, Driven to Drive) **Notes: Rube faded away after he told Cecil and Patrick he was never here. *'''Nooo!!''' **Who: Comedy K Novelty Tour Guide **Source: (S3E8A, Patrickle Jokes) **Notes: Became vanished after Cecil shoots a glob of disappearing ink at him. *'''Hello? What happened? Who turned out the lights? Huh? Where am I? Hello? Help! Help! Let me out!''' **Who: GrandPat Star **Source: (S4E13, Terror On Tape) **Notes: In this episode, The Stars watch the tape called "A Star Is Unborn" where GrandPat growed up in reverse because Madame Hagfish casted a spell on him, making him disappear for good. == Films == ===''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)=== *'''No, wait, I'm beggin' ya!''' **Who: Eugene H. Krabs **Notes: Mr. Krabs is accused of stealing the King Neptune's crown, and he then freezes him. At the end of the film, King Neptune unfreezes him for now. *'''HEY! You may not knew it, cowboy! But we got a rule around here about blowing bubbles!''' ''[He snaps his fingers, Everyone said the rules, Victor joins them.] '''All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by--''' ''[Dennis: SHUT UP!!]'' ''[He punch up into the sky]'' **Who: Victor **Notes: Get punched up by Dennis into the sky and crashlands into the Thug Tug, which tilts back quickly and sinks off over a cliff. *'''Come on, kiddies, have some ice cream.''' ''[SpongeBob and Patrick scream in terror]'' '''I'll let you pet Mr. Whiskers!''' ''[the part of the tongue shaped like her cat Mr. Whiskers, who meowed. Both SpongeBob and Patrick screamed even more]'' ''[SpongeBob: Jump for it, Patrick!]'' **Who: Frogfish **Notes: SpongeBob and Patrick were being chased by a Frogfish with a tongue that's shaped like an old lady, who desserted them for ice cream, and the frogfish falls into the trench and gets eaten by an eel, which swims back with a U-turn. *'''Oh, I'm a goofy goober, yeah! You're a goofy goober, yeah! We're all goofy goobers, yeah! Goofy... Goofy... Goober... Goober... yeah.''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star **Note: Sang this song before turning into non-living things after being put near the light by The Cyclops. But, eventually the lightbulb burns out by the tear of the Goofy Goober going near the plug. And then the sprinklers go on and revives them and the rest of the fish in Shell City, which they finally arrived in to get King Neptune's Crown. *'''Uh-oh.''' **Who: The Cyclops **Notes: The Cyclops was beaten by resurrected sea creatures of the Shell City. *'''THAT'S IT! I'M TROUGH MESSING AROUND! SEE YA LATER, FOOLS!''' **Who: Dennis **Notes: Dennis is about to step on SpongeBob and Patrick, but the boat hurts Dennis and dies. *'''Out of my way, fools!''' ''[then gets trampled by every fish]'' *'''Come on, I was just kidding. Come on, you guys knew that, didn't you? With the helmets and the monuments.''' ''[laughs]'' '''Wasn't that hilarious, everybody? I'll destroy all of you!''' **Who: Sheldon J. Plankton **Notes: Plankton was trampled by fish, who were saved by SpongeBob's Goofy Goober Guitar, then Plankton is arrested by the police and thrown into the prison truck labeled "Institution for the Criminally Tiny" and the truck drives away. === ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015) === *'''Uh, what did you say? There's sand in my ears and I can't hear you!''' **Who: Burger Beard **Notes: After Burger Beard is defeated by SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Sandy, Mr. Krabs and Plankton and got the secret formula back, he was changed to Painty the Pirate in the final sequence. === ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020) === *'''Get away from those curtains!''' **Who: El Diablo **Notes: He says this just before SpongeBob and Patrick accidentally let sunlight into the saloon. Since El Diablo is a vampire-like ghost, the sunlight disintegrates him, freeing the zombie pirate cowboys he had trapped. ===''[[Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie]]'' (2024)=== *'''''I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!''''' **Who: SpongeBob SquarePants **Notes: Said this line before he explodes into bits of SpongeBob, he is later reformed after all the bits are put back together. ===''[[Plankton: The Movie]]'' (2025)=== *'''Plankton! Our evil alliance is through!''' **Who: Karen Plankton **Notes: Karen was mad at Plankton after he destroyed fully modern, automated backslash, home-cooking fusion restaurant, and turned into a transformation by Karen's bitterness, hurt, and anger she felt while enduring the painful neglect and ingratitude she received from Plankton for many years began to consume her. She undergoes a wild transformation with red sparks of electricity electrocuting her body. She grows larger wheels, and her hands turn into two blasters. At the end, Karen hugs Plankton, and not mad at all, Mega Karen falls apart and Bikini Bottom becomes restored to normal. ==Video Games== *'''No. No. Not again. This is not fair. I got a frozen wedgie for this. Is this the end of Prawn?''' **Who: Prawn **Source: [[SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom]]/[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom|(Rehydrated)]] (2003/2020) **Notes: Becomes frozen after SpongeBob defeats him, and he becomes awarded with a Golden Spatula by Mermaidman and Barnacleboy. *'''That's it! I'm through messing around! See you later, fools!''' (hears honking) '''Huh?''' (screaming when seeing a catamaran, and he is defeated) **Source: [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (video game)]] (2004) **Notes: TBA [[Category:Fictional last words]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] 584kws1ija1smmbpl5vv9qqfyqu8gcp 4 287851 3955071 3954158 2026-06-21T15:10:15Z MABot 3002050 Bot: Archiving 3 threads from [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress]] 3955071 wikitext text/x-wiki == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/137.28.231.244|137.28.231.244]] == * {{vandal|137.28.231.244}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Trinitrotolueno|Trinitrotolueno]] ([[User talk:Trinitrotolueno|talk]]) 21:42, 13 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:20, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/66.216.210.4|66.216.210.4]] == * {{vandal|66.216.210.4}} Vandalism. Repeating cross-wiki abuse and quote-less page creation after the last block. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:46, 14 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} 2 week rangeblock —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:21, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Smile-to-talk|Smile-to-talk]] == * {{vandal|Smile-to-talk}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:30, 14 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} warned. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:22, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Signfix|Signfix]] == * {{vandal|Signfix}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:41, 14 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:22, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sharda24|Sharda24]] == * {{vandal|Sharda24}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:06, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:23, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/CheaperByTheDozen|CheaperByTheDozen]] == * {{vandal|CheaperByTheDozen}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:20, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and offending pages deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:20, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/97.136.146.116|97.136.146.116]] == * {{vandal|97.136.146.116}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:53, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} (by another user). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:21, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == New concerning 2001:8003:DCA9:E700:0:0:0:0 == * {{IPvandal|2001:8003:DCA9:E700:0:0:0:0/64}} * {{IPvandal|2001:8003:DC14:0:0:0:0:0/64}} https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log/block&page=User%3A2001%3A8003%3ADCA9%3AE700%3A0%3A0%3A0%3A0%2F64 https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log/block&page=User%3A2001%3A8003%3A3C4B%3AB600%3A0%3A0%3A0%3A0%2F64 Please semi protect the article [[Chess]] against IP editing. There is repeated vandalism from IPs since the year 2021, see the article history. {{ping|Antandrus}} --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 15:01, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:28, 18 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Lifecircle08|Lifecircle08]] == * {{vandal|Lifecircle08}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:47, 18 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:27, 18 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Mydailytechnew2|Mydailytechnew2]] == * {{vandal|Mydailytechnew2}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:33, 18 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:28, 18 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shivam Seat Cover|Shivam Seat Cover]] == * {{vandal|Shivam Seat Cover}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:18, 20 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:12, 20 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shinhasarder2343|Shinhasarder2343]] == * {{vandal|Shinhasarder2343}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 20 March 2025 (UTC) : The user removed SD tag from [[MD. Shinha Sarder]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:01, 20 March 2025 (UTC) ::While I have deleted the page (since it had no quotes), I don't know that I would say that there was vandalism here - more a lack of understanding of the project. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:14, 20 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Beun1223|Beun1223]] == * {{vandal|Beun1223}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 21:29, 20 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by {{User|Lemonaka}}. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:43, 21 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Debitstatting|Debitstatting]] == * {{vandal|Debitstatting}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 21 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:14, 23 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/76.35.98.14|76.35.98.14]] == * {{vandal|76.35.98.14}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:43, 21 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:14, 23 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/12any|12any]] == * {{vandal|12any}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:39, 23 March 2025 (UTC) : The user is repeating SD tag removal at [[ProfCanny]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:48, 23 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reporting at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:14, 23 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Servicesell1234|Servicesell1234]] == * {{vandal|Servicesell1234}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:42, 26 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:07, 26 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Spherulengo|Spherulengo]] == * {{vandal|Spherulengo}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 26 March 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:08, 26 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:6010:D8F0:E20:DD08:13FC:43DA:F14D|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:DD08:13FC:43DA:F14D]] == * {{vandal|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:DD08:13FC:43DA:F14D}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:59, 27 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} one week, did cleanup of test pages with no quotes. There seems to be some coordination with a different IP, also blocked {{vandal|76.35.98.14}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:23, 28 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:9000:DE00:84A3:FCA9:D662:175F:D38D|2603:9000:DE00:84A3:FCA9:D662:175F:D38D]] == * {{vandal|2603:9000:DE00:84A3:FCA9:D662:175F:D38D}} Vandalism. Check deleted contrib, created multiple pages that out of project scope. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Aqurs1|Aqurs1]] ([[User talk:Aqurs1|talk]]) 14:09, 28 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:6010:D8F0:E20:B597:CD00:288C:5420|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:B597:CD00:288C:5420]] == * {{vandal|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:B597:CD00:288C:5420}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:07, 28 March 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} I blocked the /64 causing problems from a range of IP addresses. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:33, 29 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Historybell05|Historybell05]] == * {{vandal|Historybell05}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:48, 29 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} and yeeted the spam page as well. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:29, 29 March 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-03-31, 01:13 == * {{IPvandal|104.14.129.233}} The same person who vandalized [[Beast Wars: Transformers]] is doing it again. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 01:15, 31 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:34, 1 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/188.93.112.241|188.93.112.241]] == * {{vandal|188.93.112.241}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:34, 31 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:34, 1 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Asjakqiku|Asjakqiku]] == * {{vandal|Asjakqiku}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:34, 31 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:36, 1 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/202bh|202bh]] == * {{vandal|202bh}} Block evasion of [[Special:Contributions/Biuc12]]. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:34, 2 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} indef block. Same sock account making Alexander Lukison edits at en-wiki. I undid those edits but I am not an admin there. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:06, 2 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rabbitoy|Rabbitoy]] == * {{vandal|Rabbitoy}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:14, 2 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:07, 2 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ijmremodeling4|Ijmremodeling4]] == * {{vandal|Ijmremodeling4}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:38, 3 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} block and cleanup done by GMG. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:41, 6 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2402:1980:8310:144:C8E:B57C:5C16:2EB8|2402:1980:8310:144:C8E:B57C:5C16:2EB8]] == * {{vandal|2402:1980:8310:144:C8E:B57C:5C16:2EB8}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:44, 6 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:42, 6 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Khusha digital|Khusha digital]] == * {{vandal|Khusha digital}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:36, 8 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} Globally locked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:18, 8 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/75.205.237.149|75.205.237.149]] == * {{vandal|75.205.237.149}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:48, 8 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} I also recently blocked a different IP from California for adding the same "balls" quote to my talk page. Mysterious how some people choose to find fun. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:17, 8 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1011:A03E:B73B:E519:E650:F78F:5FC0|2600:1011:A03E:B73B:E519:E650:F78F:5FC0]] == * {{vandal|2600:1011:A03E:B73B:E519:E650:F78F:5FC0}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:BlackShadoww|BlackShadoww]] ([[User talk:BlackShadoww|talk]]) 22:18, 8 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked 1 week for vandalism. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 22:37, 8 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:1C2:81:AB70:3C0B:4FE3:6164:EDE|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3C0B:4FE3:6164:EDE]] == * {{vandal|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3C0B:4FE3:6164:EDE}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:48, 9 April 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} I blocked the IP and deleted the pages. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:49, 9 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Would build|Would build]] == * {{vandal|Would build}} LTA, [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:46, 10 April 2025 (UTC) :Indeed I created the pages because they have citations on [[Google]] Please [[search]] for each [[Names|name]] that I created a page for You will find that what I said is correct and [[identical]] As for Alaa I have no background or [[knowledge]] of him This is the first time I have heard of him What are all the names mentioned? I only have one name. [[User:Would build|Would build]] ([[User talk:Would build|talk]]) 10:00, 11 April 2025 (UTC) ::Blocked, clearly the same evasive tactics used by previous LTA accounts promoting Mohamed AlAgha. And the rest of the articles created probably require cleanup as well. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:29, 11 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shernukh Despicable|Shernukh Despicable]] == * {{vandal|Shernukh Despicable}} LTA, [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:46, 10 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} clearly same LTA [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:30, 11 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Engineer Zak|Engineer Zak]] == * {{vandal|Engineer Zak}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:43, 12 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} 18:18, 13 April 2025 (UTC) [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:18, 13 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! 2|SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! 2]] == * {{vandal|SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! 2}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:USSR-Slav|USSR-Slav]] ([[User talk:USSR-Slav|talk]]) 08:08, 13 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:15, 13 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Imagepro2|Imagepro2]] == * {{vandal|Imagepro2}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 13 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:15, 13 April 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-04-18, 13:49 == * {{IPvandal|76.122.3.178}} Repeated vandalism. [[User:Svartava|Svartava]] ([[User talk:Svartava|talk]]) 13:50, 18 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:49, 18 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100E:A120:2B52:D5FD:AE03:90C9:A381|2600:100E:A120:2B52:D5FD:AE03:90C9:A381]] == * {{vandal|2600:100E:A120:2B52:D5FD:AE03:90C9:A381}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:27, 14 April 2025 (UTC) :Globally blocked tho not by me [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:11, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TarzanBoyFan|TarzanBoyFan]] == * {{vandal|TarzanBoyFan}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:48, 14 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, also globally blocked. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:10, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Jankhan1114|Jankhan1114]] == * {{vandal|Jankhan1114}} Adding spam links <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 02:35, 16 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:09, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Corteiz0102|Corteiz0102]] == * {{vandal|Corteiz0102}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:36, 17 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:08, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Crystalwebster|Crystalwebster]] == * {{vandal|Crystalwebster}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 18 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:12, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Intellectualpropertyorg|Intellectualpropertyorg]] == * {{vandal|Intellectualpropertyorg}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:06, 19 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:06, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Reversi the great|Reversi the great]] == * {{vandal|Reversi the great}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 22:09, 19 April 2025 (UTC) : Handled globally. <span style="display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;">~~<nowiki/>~~<br/><span style="font-size:0.7em;">[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])</span></span> 22:14, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Myriamphoto|Myriamphoto]] == * {{vandal|Myriamphoto}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:44, 20 April 2025 (UTC) :???? [[User:Myriamphoto|Myriamphoto]] ([[User talk:Myriamphoto|talk]]) 12:04, 20 April 2025 (UTC) ::{{done}} warned. Please do not post spam here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:17, 20 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/222.127.93.32|222.127.93.32]] == * {{vandal|222.127.93.32}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 20 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:17, 20 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/192.36.155.238|192.36.155.238]] == * {{vandal|192.36.155.238}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:23, 21 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else deleting the contribs. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:47, 21 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Arbitrary Reversi Star|Arbitrary Reversi Star]] == * {{vandal|Arbitrary Reversi Star}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:02, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:06, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Lucku89202|Lucku89202]] == * {{vandal|Lucku89202}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:49, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:12, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Farshidn28|Farshidn28]] == * {{vandal|Farshidn28}} Spamming <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Hide on Rosé|Hide on Rosé]] ([[User talk:Hide on Rosé|talk]]) 09:14, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:14, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100C:B023:EBE3:11D8:289D:78C1:B8A2|2600:100C:B023:EBE3:11D8:289D:78C1:B8A2]] == * {{vandal|2600:100C:B023:EBE3:11D8:289D:78C1:B8A2}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Sakura emad|Sakura emad]] ([[User talk:Sakura emad|talk]]) 15:07, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:49, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Supportsofttech|Supportsofttech]] == * {{vandal|Supportsofttech}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:19, 23 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 23 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/41.114.96.59|41.114.96.59]] == * {{vandal|41.114.96.59}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:59, 23 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:08, 25 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ElseworthJohn|ElseworthJohn]] == * {{vandal|ElseworthJohn}} Possible link spam, please see [https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=uklaw.co.uk] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:47, 25 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked for making clearly inappropriate external link, inserted as first and only edit. NOTHERE. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:08, 25 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:1C2:81:AB70:902:5DA0:6EAF:984C|2601:1C2:81:AB70:902:5DA0:6EAF:984C]] == * {{vandal|2601:1C2:81:AB70:902:5DA0:6EAF:984C}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:58, 23 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, all deleted. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:08, 29 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/R3F6O7|R3F6O7]] == * {{vandal|R3F6O7}} Vandalism. Lazy to tag every page for speedy deletion, please nuke them thanks. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Aqurs1|Aqurs1]] ([[User talk:Aqurs1|talk]]) 09:25, 28 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} pages deleted and user blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:34, 28 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:46A0:0:0:0:0/64|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:0:0:0:0/64]] == * {{vandal|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:0:0:0:0/64}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:FlyingAce|FlyingAce]] ([[User talk:FlyingAce|talk]]) 10:24, 28 April 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} reverted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:35, 28 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:46A0:3092:9C27:C936:36F8|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:3092:9C27:C936:36F8]] == * {{vandal|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:3092:9C27:C936:36F8}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Langusto|Langusto]] ([[User talk:Langusto|talk]]) 10:43, 28 April 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} - repeat of above notice. Reverted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:36, 28 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:8001:8701:8E03:D039:8DCF:2DFB:52AD|2603:8001:8701:8E03:D039:8DCF:2DFB:52AD]] == * {{vandal|2603:8001:8701:8E03:D039:8DCF:2DFB:52AD}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:00, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:07, 29 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:1C2:81:AB70:3CCE:ED47:113C:CCBD|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3CCE:ED47:113C:CCBD]] == * {{vandal|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3CCE:ED47:113C:CCBD}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:07, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:48, 29 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Cblmhospitalfh|Cblmhospitalfh]] == * {{vandal|Cblmhospitalfh}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:17, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:40, 5 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TheDigitalFlix|TheDigitalFlix]] == * {{vandal|TheDigitalFlix}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:10, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:40, 5 May 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-05-5, 21:54 == * {{IPvandal|2600:1700:FF00:2770:1934:788B:F4F2:3515}} * {{IPvandal|2600:1700:FF00:2770:3093:B811:1F8:7D7B}} Vandalism. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 21:56, 5 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} I blocked the 64, since this seems to be the same vandal using a variable IP. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:26, 6 May 2025 (UTC) https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:2770:1934:788B:F4F2:3515 https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:2770:3093:B811:1F8:7D7B == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Adebayo Olamilekanl|Adebayo Olamilekanl]] == * {{vandal|Adebayo Olamilekanl}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:50, 5 May 2025 (UTC) :The only spam (userpage) was already deleted. I left message on talk page explaining the problem and no further edits have been made. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 21:46, 6 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/CommonsBuilder|CommonsBuilder]] == * {{vandal|CommonsBuilder}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:41, 6 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:28, 7 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Paintingdrive|Paintingdrive]] == * {{vandal|Paintingdrive}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:56, 7 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:27, 7 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/OceanAteAlaska|OceanAteAlaska]] == * {{vandal|OceanAteAlaska}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:16, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :Globally Blocked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:35, 9 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Bhushan1999|Bhushan1999]] == * {{vandal|Bhushan1999}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:49, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 10:50, 9 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Cashappzone|Cashappzone]] == * {{vandal|Cashappzone}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:19, 9 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ramodstyree|Ramodstyree]] == * {{vandal|Ramodstyree}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:53, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:04, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2401:4900:73F0:A3F3:89CB:E90A:6590:89D|2401:4900:73F0:A3F3:89CB:E90A:6590:89D]] == * {{vandal|2401:4900:73F0:A3F3:89CB:E90A:6590:89D}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 09:54, 10 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:35, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:387:1:803:0:0:0:5C|2600:387:1:803:0:0:0:5C]] == * {{vandal|2600:387:1:803:0:0:0:5C}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Langusto|Langusto]] ([[User talk:Langusto|talk]]) 18:52, 10 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:23, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/JohnJoan&Johnny|JohnJoan&Johnny]] == * {{vandal|JohnJoan&Johnny}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Sakura emad|Sakura emad]] ([[User talk:Sakura emad|talk]]) 20:42, 10 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:23, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sydneyuk|Sydneyuk]] == * {{vandal|2400:ADC5:169:0:0:0:0:0/48}} also * {{vandal|Sydneyuk}} This looks like someone spamming Akhtar Aly Kureshy by several IPs and by the account Sydneyuk This account is blocked https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Sydneyuk Akhtar Aly Kureshy was deleted here multiple times: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Akhtar_Aly_Kureshy&action=edit&redlink=1 Might need cleanup <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 22:01, 11 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sellsinusa8|Sellsinusa8]] == * {{vandal|Sellsinusa8}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:04, 11 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:05, 11 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/66.216.210.4|66.216.210.4]] == * {{vandal|66.216.210.4}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:13, 11 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:16, 12 May 2025 (UTC) ::This is the fourth time I blocked this IP. Earlier blocks were for spam but this one is straight vandalism. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:47, 12 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Jhonsmith45|Jhonsmith45]] == * {{vandal|Jhonsmith45}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:15, 12 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:45, 12 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/75.146.215.29|75.146.215.29]] == * {{vandal|75.146.215.29}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 15:41, 12 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:44, 12 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shelbertaim|Shelbertaim]] == * {{vandal|Shelbertaim}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:44, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and content deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:00, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DC14:0:0:0:0:0/48]] == * White supremacist, antisemite, long-term problem; probable ban evasion ([[User:TVEBOR]]) - adding swastikas, racist propaganda, replacing pictures of Black people with white, removing quotes by Jews, etc. etc. A lot of his vandalism and POV-pushing is sneaky and obfuscated (often you need to scroll down in a diff.) This /48 probably best captures his current IPv6 range. Will make a noticeboard post if necessary. Tonight's IP is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DC14:0:FDB3:2B29:9325:256]. Thank you - [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 02:23, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:39, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/James dayeeb|James dayeeb]] == * {{vandal|James dayeeb}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:19, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:35, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Xover's Son|Xover's Son]] == * {{vandal|Xover's Son}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:03, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:38, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Nicalismedicine|Nicalismedicine]] == * {{vandal|Nicalismedicine}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:28, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:38, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Webpivots|Webpivots]] == * {{vandal|Webpivots}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:00, 14 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:12, 14 May 2025 (UTC) ::Reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:15, 14 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Wazih Perfume & Fragness|Wazih Perfume & Fragness]] == * {{vandal|Wazih Perfume & Fragness}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:37, 15 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 11:44, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/46.188.164.176|46.188.164.176]] == * {{vandal|46.188.164.176}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Sakura emad|Sakura emad]] ([[User talk:Sakura emad|talk]]) 17:35, 15 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 11:45, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aidentaylors|Aidentaylors]] == * {{vandal|Aidentaylors}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:15, 16 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:23, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Maraadamb3|Maraadamb3]] == * {{vandal|Maraadamb3}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:30, 16 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:37, 16 May 2025 (UTC) ::Reported at [[:m:]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:38, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Loftyus|Loftyus]] == * {{vandal|Loftyus}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:24, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:52, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Besturdu|Besturdu]] == * {{vandal|Besturdu}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:33, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:8001:8701:8E03:761C:3F36:F21F:FAD0|2603:8001:8701:8E03:761C:3F36:F21F:FAD0]] == * {{vandal|2603:8001:8701:8E03:761C:3F36:F21F:FAD0}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:30, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/29912 Hello|29912 Hello]] == * {{vandal|29912 Hello}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:08, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Gsfdswghhgf29912|Gsfdswghhgf29912]] == * {{vandal|Gsfdswghhgf29912}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:13, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/175.107.216.70|175.107.216.70]] == * {{vandal|175.107.216.70}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:34, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/321SPONGEBOLT, Josiahblaze0|321SPONGEBOLT, Josiahblaze0]] == * {{vandal|321SPONGEBOLT, Josiahblaze0}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:04, 20 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:26, 21 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Albertt711|Albertt711]] == * {{vandal|Albertt711}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:07, 20 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:22, 21 May 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-05-20, 17:17 == * {{Vandal|Rgato1536}} Only creation of nonsense pages [[User:Samuele2002|Samuele2002]] ([[User talk:Samuele2002|talk]]) 17:18, 20 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:20, 21 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Tomburke612|Tomburke612]] == * {{vandal|Tomburke612}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:42, 22 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:35, 24 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning block-evading white supremacist/antisemite == * Multiple IPs, one static, and others highly dynamic: :(The original, currently blocked, was https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DC14:0:0:0:0:0/48) :{{Vandal|2001:8004:52E0:44E5:5C70:DA73:B43C:117E}} (current as of this report) :{{Vandal|203.54.155.190}} (static) :{{Vandal|2001:8004:6BA0:F08F:C9B6:1A4:F8D9:F9E7}} :{{Vandal|2001:8004:52E1:6E1F:78B5:F277:5954:3616}} Comment - This person is persistent and returns with a differnet IPv6 every time. His POV-pushing is often sneaky and obfuscated; he adds swastikas, anti-vax propaganda, outright racist garbage on pages where it doesn't belong, etc. Often you have to scroll down in a diff, and go to the source of an image, to see what he is doing. I will make a noticeboard post if necessary. This has been going on at least since 2019. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 01:06, 23 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/96.35.74.197|96.35.74.197]] == * {{vandal|96.35.74.197}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TamHamGhor|TamHamGhor]] == * {{vandal|TamHamGhor}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-05-24, 21:37 == * {{IPvandal|75.127.152.34}} * {{IPvandal|68.193.160.90}} These Fourlaxers sockpuppets consistently remove content from [[Shining Time Station]] without explanation. They were given warnings, but they refuse to comply. They must be blocked indefinitely, and it is recommended the page be protected indefinitely. It is the only way they are going to stop. [[Special:Contributions/100.8.243.246|100.8.243.246]] 22:33, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by protecting, no blocks. Anyone else can block if deemed fit. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:03, 25 May 2025 (UTC) ::That will do, but if the sockpuppet(s) persist after the protection expires, or if a sockpuppet account should happen to make those same edits, they must be indefinitely blocked on sight. [[Special:Contributions/100.8.243.246|100.8.243.246]] 02:00, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100F:A021:8696:2CFF:3709:AFAD:772B|2600:100F:A021:8696:2CFF:3709:AFAD:772B]] == * {{vandal|2600:100F:A021:8696:2CFF:3709:AFAD:772B}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:21, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:04, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ChunzwBot|ChunzwBot]] == * {{vandal|ChunzwBot}} Vandalism. Also violates [[WQ:Username policy]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --<span style="color:#dbf;font:bold 100% 'Brush Script MT',cursive;padding:0 .75em 0 .5em">— [[User:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#c8f">Naomi</span>]] [[User talk:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#93f">Amethyst</span>]]</span> 06:36, 25 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 10:00, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/97.211.78.197|97.211.78.197]] == * {{vandal|97.211.78.197}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:27, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — short term block in place. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100F:A021:8696:7C9A:2A2E:D571:68CC|2600:100F:A021:8696:7C9A:2A2E:D571:68CC]] == * {{vandal|2600:100F:A021:8696:7C9A:2A2E:D571:68CC}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:JJPMaster|JJP...MASTER!]]_{[[User:JJPMaster|[talk to] JJP... master?]]} 03:56, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — short term block in place. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ChanzwBot|ChanzwBot]] == * {{vandal|ChanzwBot}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:30, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Spyranretail70|Spyranretail70]] == * {{vandal|Spyranretail70}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:32, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/124.217.188.201|124.217.188.201]] == * {{vandal|124.217.188.201}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:JJPMaster|JJP...MASTER!]]_{[[User:JJPMaster|[talk to] JJP... master?]]} 13:05, 28 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked 1 week [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:04, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/97.210.87.237|97.210.87.237]] == * {{vandal|97.210.87.237}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 29 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:05, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Theindiamovesjpr|Theindiamovesjpr]] == * {{vandal|Theindiamovesjpr}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:50, 29 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally locked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:06, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Gashi Gani1944|Gashi Gani1944]] == * {{vandal|Gashi Gani1944}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:18, 30 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:10, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Donald Trump is the worst president|Donald Trump is the worst president]] == * {{vandal|Donald Trump is the worst president}} LTA Zjholder <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 22:16, 30 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally locked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:11, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Fùč̣k Donald Trump 2024|Fùč̣k Donald Trump 2024]] == * {{vandal|Fùč̣k Donald Trump 2024}} LTA Zjholder <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 22:24, 30 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:12, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2605:59C0:21D7:2410:20FA:A529:93A5:25|2605:59C0:21D7:2410:20FA:A529:93A5:25]] == * {{vandal|2605:59C0:21D7:2410:20FA:A529:93A5:25}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --<span style="color:#dbf;font:bold 100% 'Brush Script MT',cursive;padding:0 .75em 0 .5em">— [[User:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#c8f">Naomi</span>]] [[User talk:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#93f">Amethyst</span>]]</span> 04:17, 1 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:06, 1 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/64.31.104.150|64.31.104.150]] == * {{vandal|64.31.104.150}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 20:05, 1 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:43, 2 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Astrologersneha|Astrologersneha]] == * {{vandal|Astrologersneha}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:48, 2 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:50, 2 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/MIarch11|MIarch11]] == * {{Vandal|MIarch11}} Clearly only here to vandalize and not to build. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 21:31, 2 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:02, 3 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/SiddhnathPune|SiddhnathPune]] == * {{vandal|SiddhnathPune}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:28, 3 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:06, 3 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Luccy Wilson|Luccy Wilson]] == * {{vandal|Luccy Wilson}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:36, 3 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:07, 3 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/71.195.107.170|71.195.107.170]] == * {{vandal|71.195.107.170}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:35, 4 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:26, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:3006:1801:C800:C0D5:B48D:3B9B:C33F|2603:3006:1801:C800:C0D5:B48D:3B9B:C33F]] == * {{vandal|2603:3006:1801:C800:C0D5:B48D:3B9B:C33F}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:00, 4 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:26, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Kojo seven|Kojo seven]] == * {{vandal|Kojo seven}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:48, 10 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, I hope a warning is enough. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:27, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Samdiago1234|Samdiago1234]] == * {{vandal|Samdiago1234}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:30, 10 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:04, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ItzTheKnight16|ItzTheKnight16]] == * {{vandal|ItzTheKnight16}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]], removed CSD tag by IP. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:02, 10 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:07, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2804:D51:447F:6600:496B:3ED2:F1C2:549A|2804:D51:447F:6600:496B:3ED2:F1C2:549A]] == * {{vandal|2804:D51:447F:6600:496B:3ED2:F1C2:549A}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 16:15, 11 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:34, 11 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/गुंडा|गुंडा]] == * {{vandal|गुंडा}} Recreated [[Abdelnaser Abdelfatah]], please see [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/040#Return_of_Abdel_Nasser_Abdel_Fattah_Mohamed_(ANAFM)]]. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:08, 11 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/66.216.210.4|66.216.210.4]] == * {{vandal|66.216.210.4}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:28, 11 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and pages deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 11:54, 12 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/GMK7|GMK7]] == * {{vandal|GMK7}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:03, 14 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/96.35.74.197|96.35.74.197]] == * {{vandal|96.35.74.197}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:41, 14 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/50.226.140.190|50.226.140.190]] == * {{vandal|50.226.140.190}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:20, 15 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/182.178.120.110|182.178.120.110]] == * {{vandal|182.178.120.110}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:22, 15 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-15, 20:41 == * {{IPvandal|50.226.140.190}} Creating many bad pages. [[User:Zaxxon0|Zaxxon0]] ([[User talk:Zaxxon0|talk]]) 20:41, 15 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/208.40.86.22|208.40.86.22]] == * {{vandal|208.40.86.22}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:52, 16 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/GrowwMax InfoTech Pvt. Ltd India|GrowwMax InfoTech Pvt. Ltd India]] == * {{vandal|GrowwMax InfoTech Pvt. Ltd India}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:14, 16 June 2025 (UTC) : already blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 12:20, 17 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarti5678|Aarti5678]] == * {{vandal|Aarti5678}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:14, 17 June 2025 (UTC) : Blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 12:20, 17 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Anchaldigital|Anchaldigital]] == * {{vandal|Anchaldigital}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 18 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, reported to [[:m:]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:13, 18 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Opinnate|Opinnate]] == * {{vandal|Opinnate}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:29, 18 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:13, 18 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-19, 06:27 == * {{Vandal|Cuumora}} Vandalism-only account. [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 06:28, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:35, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2409:4089:AB3D:32AC:0:0:5F4A:F313|2409:4089:AB3D:32AC:0:0:5F4A:F313]] == * {{vandal|2409:4089:AB3D:32AC:0:0:5F4A:F313}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:56, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:28, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/173.207.58.96|173.207.58.96]] == * {{vandal|173.207.58.96}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:56, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:28, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Dandeleon14|Dandeleon14]] == * {{vandal|Dandeleon14}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:25, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:29, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Nanhost049|Nanhost049]] == * {{vandal|Nanhost049}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:17, 22 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:48, 22 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/35.39.105.217|35.39.105.217]] == * {{vandal|35.39.105.217}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:19, 22 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:48, 22 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Super Mario Bros kart on Wekequote|Super Mario Bros kart on Wekequote]] == * {{vandal|Super Mario Bros kart on Wekequote}} Vandalism. [[Special:Contributions/35.39.105.217]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:19, 22 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:48, 22 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-24, 22:24 == * {{IPvandal|173.207.58.96}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:16, 24 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:31, 24 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-26, 02:06 == * {{IPvandal|103.95.39.28}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:56, 26 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 04:04, 26 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-26, 11:11 == * {{Vandal|SEObacklink963622}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:59, 26 June 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:20, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-28, 23:22 == * {{Vandal|Jewelrugs1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:23, 28 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:22, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-28, 23:23 == * {{IPvandal|2603:8001:8701:8E03:F583:37AF:5885:8129}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:24, 28 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:24, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 04:28 == * {{Vandal|GMK7}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:29, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reporting at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:26, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 05:38 == * {{Vandal|Cineyadsd}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:41, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:44, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 09:32 == * {{Vandal|Axcessrent}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:41, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked locally by {{user|UDScott}}, and blocked globally also. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:14, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 22:39 == * {{Vandal|CloudRafanan}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:51, 30 June 2025 (UTC) : Posted warning to talk page. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:14, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 22:52 == * {{IPvandal|2600:387:C:7210:0:0:0:2}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:54, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked IP for 2 weeks. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:14, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-1, 22:27 == * {{Vandal|Akande1234}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:51, 1 July 2025 (UTC) : Globally blocked by vermont. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:59, 3 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-2, 12:06 == * {{Vandal|Jannelk247}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:21, 2 July 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} indef blocked -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 04:00, 3 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-3, 00:06 == * {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:92E:CD90:2DF5:D4C1}} It's the same vandal who once again vandalized [[The Father (2020 film)]], [[News of the World]], and [[Loonatics Unleashed]]. I don't want to risk edit warring. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 00:38, 3 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:42, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-5, 04:17 == * {{Vandal|Traveliciousbites}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:18, 5 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:46, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-5, 06:54 == * {{Vandal|Marian122298}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:25, 5 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:47, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-7, 12:08 == * {{Vandal|AAS Direct HQ}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 7 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} reporting to [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:47, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-8, 11:31 == * {{Vandal|Provent-compliance}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:54, 8 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:11, 8 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-9, 12:27 == * {{Vandal|Walidfalcon}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 9 July 2025 (UTC) : Blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 13:26, 9 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-12, 11:07 == * {{Vandal|Solamalaicollege}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:58, 12 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 13:44, 12 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-13, 21:01 == * {{IPvandal|71.195.107.170}} Vandalism [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 21:01, 13 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — IP blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:24, 13 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-13, 21:10 == * {{Vandal|OdysseusBoy}} Vandalism. [[User:Pólux|Pólux]] ([[User talk:Pólux|talk]]) 21:11, 13 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:24, 13 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-14, 07:12 == * {{Vandal|Digitalnik}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:13, 14 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 09:38, 14 July 2025 (UTC) ::Reported: https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Steward_requests%2FGlobal&diff=28981228&oldid=28981056 —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 09:39, 14 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-20, 03:20 == * {{Vandal|Medicusofhouston}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:31, 20 July 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 02:16, 21 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-26, 14:05 == * {{Vandal|NorthernWinds}} A short explanation for why this username should be blocked: new account that seems to be focused exclusively on Israel and Palestine (a lot of activisty on [[Zionism]] and the [[Palestine]] page). Is deleting many quotes other editors added, contacting some editors but not waiting for responses. It's been disruptive, not sure if it qualifies as vandalism or political activism or just someone who hasn't learned the process yet. [[User:A23423413|A23423413]] ([[User talk:A23423413|talk]]) 15:10, 26 July 2025 (UTC)A23423413, July 26, 2025 :Hello @[[User:A23423413|A23423413]], :I am sorry if that is how I came across, I did not mean any wrong. You said I "did not wait for a response". You are likely referring to when I pinged you [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Zionism#c-NorthernWinds-20250726121900-Notability here]. <s>I, in fact, did wait for a response, and did not remove your quote.</s> I have removed quotes which I cannot find secondary sources for, in compliance with [[WQ:FAME]]. If there are any issues with my editing, I believe it is best to contact me and [[WQ:AGF]] before reporting, <s>and misleading others ("not waiting for responses").</s> I do not have an agenda, and if there is a "process" I have yet to learn about, please raise it in my talk page and I'll be more than happy to learn and contribute more in line with guidelines going forward. :Note: upon second review of the page's history, it appears I did remove your quote, and you are the one who reinstated. I do not remember doing so, and would like to apologize. Could you please respond where I contacted you about the secondary source required for [[WQ:FAME]]? :Best, [[User:NorthernWinds|NorthernWinds]] ([[User talk:NorthernWinds|talk]]) 15:18, 26 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-1, 07:26 == * {{Vandal|Handmadefever}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:26, 1 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:42, 1 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-27, 13:26 == * {{IPvandal|177.98.100.114}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:26, 27 July 2025 (UTC) :{{Ping|MathXplore}} E.g. ? I don't see any obvious vandalism. Are the quotations fake? (I've never seen this TV show). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:09, 3 August 2025 (UTC) :: [[Special:Log/177.98.100.114]] [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:29, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-27, 13:28 == * {{Vandal|Mbretpix}} * {{Vandal|RahulGandhi01}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:28, 27 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:10, 3 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-28, 22:19 == * {{Vandal|DJ Makosam Official 1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:58, 28 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:10, 3 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-3, 13:24 == * {{Vandal|Cryptoemarketing}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:24, 3 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:03, 3 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-4, 01:17 == * {{Vandal|Jexebarb}} * {{Vandal|Jesequote}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:28, 4 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:36, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-4, 01:30 == * {{Vandal|Ellie0804}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:31, 4 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:36, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-4, 11:58 == * {{IPvandal|72.202.155.82}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:59, 4 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:46, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-6, 12:01 == * {{Vandal|Bcuja}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 6 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-7, 01:36 == * {{IPvandal|2601:243:D01:1F20:9049:4A73:338F:EE73}} Cross-wiki spam, [[:w:WP:FORUMSHOP]], [[Special:CentralAuth/PawPatroler]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:13, 7 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-7, 07:36 == * {{Vandal|Provent-compliance1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:36, 7 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:12, 7 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-8, 12:21 == * {{Vandal|Proventcompliance301}} * {{Vandal|Abarch Architects}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:45, 8 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, latter globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:38, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-9, 23:18 == * {{Vandal|Joseph05678890}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:20, 9 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} deleted by someone else, welcomed/warned. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:39, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-10, 12:46 == * {{Vandal|BinanceDatabase}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:48, 10 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:40, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-10, 12:48 == * {{Vandal|Fluvos Captus}} * [[Abdelnaser Abdelfatah]] Spam ([[Special:CentralAuth/Абидров_Рафаэль_Беймович]], [[Special:CentralAuth/गुंडा]], [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/040#Return_of_Abdel_Nasser_Abdel_Fattah_Mohamed_(ANAFM)]], [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:54, 10 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally, undoing now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:40, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-12, 02:11 == * {{IPvandal|187.89.104.62}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:47, 12 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} Empty pages deleted, user welcome/warned. I didn't see anything that was actually "vandalism", so if I missed it, please give a diff. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:44, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-12, 12:54 == * {{IPvandal|31.134.188.230}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:09, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-14, 03:21 == * {{Vandal|Thegoofhere}} Some one keeps removing pro Israel quotes only replacing them with quotes from Ali khamenei lol https://en.m.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Iran%E2%80%93Israel_war&diff=prev&oldid=3793121 A short explanation for why this username should be blocked. [[User:Baratiiman|Baratiiman]] ([[User talk:Baratiiman|talk]]) 03:23, 14 August 2025 (UTC) :I'm not? What are you even talking about, dude [[User:Thegoofhere|Thegoofhere]] ([[User talk:Thegoofhere|talk]]) 03:26, 14 August 2025 (UTC) ::I was merely removing quotes that weren't properly sourced to [[Wikipedia:Wikipedia:Reliable sources|RS]], please see [[WQ:QUOTE]] [[User:Thegoofhere|Thegoofhere]] ([[User talk:Thegoofhere|talk]]) 04:10, 14 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-14, 11:40 == * {{Vandal|Justinmartin012}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 14 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 10:07, 15 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-15, 17:55 == Moved to Administrators' noticeboard [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#New_report_2025-08-15,_17:55] -[[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 05:00, 16 August 2025 (UTC) * {{Vandal|NorthernWinds}} posting here about the continued targeted subtractive vandalism by this new user on pages relating to palestine and israel. tagging {{Ping|koavf}} as promised, and also {{Ping|UDScott}}, {{Ping|Kalki}}, and {{Ping|Peter1c}} because they've been involved in talk page discussions with northernwinds. northernwinds, can you tag any editors that you think have shown support for the large cuts you've been trying to make under the notability guideline, so they can particapate in this conversation too? a timeline of my involvement in what's been happening is something like this: on july 26 i noticed unusual, subtractive editing on the [[Zionism]] page from a newly created account and reverted it with a note why. northernwinds continued to cut quotes from that page anyway and started to on the [[Palestine]] page as well, so i reported it on the Vandalism in Progress page: "new account that seems to be focused exclusively on Israel and Palestine (a lot of activisty on Zionism and the Palestine page). Is deleting many quotes other editors added, contacting some editors but not waiting for responses. It's been disruptive, not sure if it qualifies as vandalism or political activism or just someone who hasn't learned the process yet." northernwinds posted a defensive paragraph 8 minutes later but no admin responded and that report is now [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress/Archive/16 archived]. northernwinds continued trying to make large cuts of quotes other editors had added and some of the removals were reverted by admins. on august 5 i reverted their attempted mass quote removal on the [[Palestine]] page and asked them using the edit summary: " which people on the page do you think should not be considered notable? and for the ones that you agree are notable but you think the quote isn't, what is a different quote by them you suggest?" northernwinds posted an evasive response on the palestine talk page, which i responded to there and also said i was going to wait for some kind of feedback from an admin before deciding whether to communicate directly with them again. we both contacted {{Ping|Kalki}} on august 5 and northernwinds has a bolded explanation there that the notability guideline is not a mandate, and august 7 from {{Ping|Peter1c}} on the palestine talk page as well. on august 12 and 13 i reverted northernwinds attempted mass removal of quotes from the [[Zionism]] and [[Israel]] pages and added the suggestion in the edit summary "if you think we should make subtractive changes as a new editor, list on the talk page the names of the individuals that you think should not be considered notable, and over time we can see if other editors agree or not." and i asked on koavf's talk page: "if you looked at the user's large subtractive edits and their comments on talk pages and didn't/don't interpret it as vandalism, could you write about how what they've been doing is different than cases that you do judge to be vandalism? and if you do spend some time reviewing this situation, do you have any feedback or advice for what i could try to do differently next time i notice a new editor trying to make large cuts to pages like this?" i have also reverted northernwinds july 31 attempt to remove half of the content other editors had added to the [[Israeli–Palestinian conflict]] page i've been choosing to revert to the version of these pages right before northernwinds started trying to make cuts by misusing the notability guideline because those were most obviously political activism. but northernwinds also made a series of significant cuts to pages on july 3 with the endurance guideline as the explanation, including a third of the quotes that were on the [[Israel]] page. if anyone has already checked if some of those were made in bad faith too or not, can you let us know so we're all on the same page? [[User:A23423413|A23423413]] ([[User talk:A23423413|talk]]) 19:13, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :This is more suitable for the administrator's noticeboard than here. You may want to move it [[User:NorthernWinds|NorthernWinds]] ([[User talk:NorthernWinds|talk]]) 19:40, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :Hello @[[User:A23423413|A23423413]] and @[[User:NorthernWinds|NorthernWinds]]. I am willing to help resolve this disagreement. :1. I see NorthernWinds is making additions as well as deletions. To me this implies it is problematic to describe NorthenWinds as a vandal. I don't underestimate the value of expressing feelings along with editorial concerns, but precision of language can help avoid unnecessary escalation. See [[WQ:AGF]]. :2. If any disagreement about deletion of a quotation is documented or anticipated, Wikiquote best practice is to move the deleted quotations to the talk page, maintaining them alphabetically, and include detailed explanations for deletions and other editorial actions. :Thank you for your contributions to Wikiquote! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 20:54, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :I agree that this is better suited to the AN. Please move this there. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:05, 15 August 2025 (UTC) Moved to Administrators' noticeboard [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#New_report_2025-08-15,_17:55] -[[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 05:00, 16 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-15, 22:44 == * {{Vandal|Lesenokx}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:27, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:32, 15 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-20, 12:24 == * {{Vandal|Virinchipvs}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:59, 20 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:33, 20 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-24, 04:00 == * {{IPvandal|2804:D51:4427:6100:648E:2EEF:CA13:CC96}} Recurring vandalism on [[The Powerpuff Girls]] and [[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]], see those pages' histories. You might want to consider blocking the whole /32 range. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 04:01, 24 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-25, 23:37 == * {{IPvandal|2001:8003:B437:DE00:CC40:CB84:7BC5:EA52}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:39, 25 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:33, 26 August 2025 (UTC) — blocked this IP for a month — but right now, I don’t have enough info or time to attempt a wider range block. == New report 2025-08-26, 12:31 == * {{Vandal|Bunnyleisureadultcenter}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:42, 26 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:14, 27 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-26, 22:48 == * {{Vandal|Thewesternoutfit0}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:15, 26 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:11, 27 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-27, 22:57 == * {{Vandal|Defrenzel9}} He appears to be the same IP user who vandalized [[Beast Wars: Transformers]] and [[Beast Machines: Transformers]]. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 23:22, 27 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:26, 27 August 2025 (UTC) — blocked. ::Why are you not accepting me all the time including for News Of The World and for The Father? [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:5AED:1000:C18A:F463:188A:63A0|2600:1700:5AED:1000:C18A:F463:188A:63A0]] 01:45, 28 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-28, 07:10 == * {{Vandal|Bajajhomeandliving}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:42, 28 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:32, 28 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-2, 08:29 == * {{IPvandal|150.228.135.214}} Spam.[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:30, 2 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by rollback. I hope that's enough for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:06, 2 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-2, 22:36 == * {{Vandal|Cricwindow}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:53, 2 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:05, 2 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-3, 22:05 == * {{Vandal|OLAYINKA WALIYAT}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:00, 3 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 4 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-4, 11:56 == * {{Vandal|Travis34567}} * {{Vandal|Ademayowa12}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:31, 4 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else and me. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:36, 4 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-4, 12:40 == * {{Vandal|We are going to get a Democratic President soon}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:46, 4 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:36, 4 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-5, 11:55 == * {{Vandal|Jhonnycarmen}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:06, 5 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, reported at [[:m:]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:21, 5 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 02:38 == * {{Vandal|X UZBOT}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:29, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:44, 7 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 07:27 == * {{Vandal|Yellowstone Apparel}} * {{Vandal|~2025-52117-2}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:33, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} (IP not blocked as stale). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:35, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 11:11 == * {{Vandal|Md Rafiul Islam Rafi (mrafiseo)}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:49, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:35, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 22:13 == * {{Vandal|Armoredcarcomedies}} * {{Vandal|Luka Madhieu Kuot Mou}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:38, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:36, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-8, 12:52 == * {{Vandal|Arowolo1123}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:54, 8 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, reported to stewards. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:39, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-8, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-55658-1}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:55, 8 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:40, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == Block evasion, POV-pushing white supremacist == * {{Vandal|~2025-51577-8}} Block evasion; see [[Wikiquote:Administrators'_noticeboard/Archive/041#2001:8003:DC14::/48:_long-term_abuse_by_antisemitic_racist_extreme_right-wing_vandal_for_six_years|this recent noticeboard thread]] for context. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 15:08, 10 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:47, 15 September 2025 (UTC) ::{{replyto|Koavf}} Thanks, but it'd be better to block that temporary account for three months, which is how long they last ... that would literally only affect that user and would probably give both [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] and I more piece of mind. (As you can see, the temporary account encompasses the same user on multiple IP addresses). Poking at the underlying /64's of the IPV6 addresses (the ones with colons rather than dots) would also be completely safe). If I were you, I would also block [[Special:Contributions/~2025-57996-1|~2025-57996-1]] for three months as well (see below), just to cover all bases (as you can see the /64 used by that one is also used by ~2025-51577-8). [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 05:45, 15 September 2025 (UTC) :::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:05, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-11, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|VinnyDove}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 11 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:45, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-11, 12:23 == * {{Vandal|~2025-56504-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:22, 11 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:46, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-11, 20:18 == * {{Vandal|Patrick sigma}} Likely a vandalism only account judging by the single edit. [[User:IanDBeacon|IanDBeacon]] ([[User talk:IanDBeacon|talk]]) 20:19, 11 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:48, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-12, 13:28 == * {{Vandal|InvoiceTempleApp}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:16, 12 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:49, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-13, 03:54 == * {{Vandal|Natieyamylostrealacc}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:51, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :What do you mean by Vandalism? Why am I being pinged? [[User:Natieyamylostrealacc|Natieyamylostrealacc]] ([[User talk:Natieyamylostrealacc|talk]]) 14:26, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :: I have seen [[:w:WP:YELL]] in [[special:permalink/3806533]] so I thought this is the case. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:16, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :::I'm sorry, sir. I just put AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA in my page. I didn't know that I was breaking the rules. [[User:Natieyamylostrealacc|Natieyamylostrealacc]] ([[User talk:Natieyamylostrealacc|talk]]) 18:06, 14 September 2025 (UTC) ::::{{done}} Rare false positive, but understandable. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:39, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-13, 05:23 == * {{Vandal|OmranTokhi7}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:04, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:51, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-13, 23:16 == * {{Vandal|Leonard Ali}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:55, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-16, 11:10 == * {{Vandal|~2025-62212-4}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:38, 16 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-16, 23:35 == * {{Vandal|MakingTheWorldBetter1977}} * {{Vandal|SheSaidCampaign}} VFD vote stacking at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Shadan Kapri]] & [[Talk:Shadan Kapri]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:37, 16 September 2025 (UTC) : [[:m:Steward_requests/Checkuser/2025-09#MakingTheWorldBetter1977@en.wikiquote]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:37, 16 September 2025 (UTC) :Is this your attempt to hide your sexism and misogyny?? Failed attempt. [[User:SheSaidCampaign|SheSaidCampaign]] ([[User talk:SheSaidCampaign|talk]]) 00:05, 17 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-17, 23:36 == * {{Vandal|~2025-52999-8}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:36, 17 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-18, 00:00 == * {{Vandal|Noeruchan is worst, Thcsphuninh2006 is good}} Vandalism only, troll username, some sort of LTA I think [[User:&#126;delta|&#126;delta]] ([[User talk:&#126;delta|talk]]) 00:02, 18 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-18, 07:19 == * {{Vandal|Noeruchan are worst, Thcsphuninh2006 are best}} Vandalism, LTA. [[User:Như Gây Mê|Như Gây Mê]] ([[User talk:Như Gây Mê|talk]]) 07:21, 18 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-18, 12:03 == * {{Vandal|~2025-63753-0}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:02, 18 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-19, 03:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-63481-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:26, 19 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-19, 22:16 == * {{Vandal|Ayane Fumihiro is worst, ChanComThemPho is good}} The individual's contributions make the obvious reason why. [[User:Apisite|Apisite]] ([[User talk:Apisite|talk]]) 22:17, 19 September 2025 (UTC) : Locked globally. <span style="display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;">~~<nowiki/>~~<br/><span style="font-size:0.7em;">[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])</span></span> 22:46, 19 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 10:55 == * {{Vandal|MehedisStoryland}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:43, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 14:38 == * {{Vandal|Happypengirl}} looks like it could be vandalism. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 14:41, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-12, 17:53 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-57996-1}} https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&oldid=3806302#Block_evasion,_POV-pushing_white_supremacist {{ping|Antandrus}} {{ping|Graham87}} [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 18:10, 12 September 2025 (UTC) :Thanks. If an admin sees this, can someone give me at least Temporary account IP viewer rights, so I can still see the IP addresses of the user involved? [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]], you should probably get yourself these rights, but you have to request them specifically, per the Wikimedia Foundation [[wmf:Policy:Wikimedia Access to Temporary Account IP Addresses Policy|Wikimedia Access to Temporary Account IP Addresses Policy]]. This goes for everyone here. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 18:55, 12 September 2025 (UTC) ::{{done}} I gave you six months, let me know if you need more, Graham. Thanks for all you do and have done. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:50, 15 September 2025 (UTC) :::{{replyto|Koavf}} Thanks very much for the rights grant and the kind words. Could you please give them to me indefinitely? This user's been hanging around Wikiquote for at least five years (see [[User:Antandrus/sandbox]]) so I think I'd just be back here in another six months otherwise. Unless timed rights grants are more regular here or something. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 04:59, 15 September 2025 (UTC) ::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:04, 15 September 2025 (UTC) :::{{ping|Antandrus}} {{ping|Graham87}} can you check if [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/~2025-64984-0 this ] is the same user ? --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 11:02, 21 September 2025 (UTC) ::::{{replyto|ᘙ}} Thanks for the note. Don't think so. The IP doesn't match at all and the MO is a bit different. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 11:56, 21 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 20:45 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-67389-4}} Looks like a sock puppet of banned user Defrenzel9. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 21:30, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 22:35 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-52999-8}} Creating tons of test pages, please nuke and block. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:01, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-21, 11:56 == * {{Vandal|ShantaHowladar}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Mahichowdhury20]], Recreated [[Atikur Rahman Mahi]] ([[:w:Atikur Rahman Mahi]], [[:w:simple:Atikur Rahman Mahi]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 21 September 2025 (UTC) :Globally locked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:27, 21 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-22, 13:26 == * {{Vandal|~2025-68209-1}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:46, 22 September 2025 (UTC) :* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 13:54, 22 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-22, 23:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-69132-7}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Rayhanltd]], please see [[Riptech]] (founded by [[:w:simple:Sheikh Rayhan]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:56, 22 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by Lemonaka. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:15, 25 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-25, 01:59 == * {{Vandal|Jibikapexus}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:00, 25 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:20, 25 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-25, 02:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-26235-63}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:48, 25 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for one month. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:20, 25 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-25, 19:58 == * {{Vandal|Norbir2007}} Already blocked, but has spam requiring deletion at [[User talk:Norbir2007]]. Edit filters prevent me from blanking the page. [[User:Rsjaffe|Rsjaffe]] ([[User talk:Rsjaffe|talk]]) 20:24, 25 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:07, 25 September 2025 (UTC) — page deleted. == New report 2025-09-26, 11:14 == * {{Vandal|EsunFiber}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 26 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-26, 23:42 == * {{Vandal|~2025-63481-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:43, 26 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for one month. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:20, 27 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 13:22 == * {{Vandal|~2025-26549-07}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:27, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 14:07, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 22:58 == * {{Vandal|Purnikushi}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:58, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:38, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 22:58 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27085-60}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:00, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:38, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 23:17 == * {{Vandal|Sunrise vs Moonrise, I'm Not Sunrise, I'm Moonrise}} Vandalism. --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 23:23, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:28, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 04:25 == * {{Vandal|Nice Blessings}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:25, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 04:25 == * {{Vandal|~2025-26900-10}} Cross-wiki issues. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:26, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 07:45 == * {{Vandal|88ipgcom1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:45, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 07:45 == * {{Vandal|Napaextra376}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:47, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-27, 15:10 == * {{Vandal|Allthedays}} Blatantly bypassing the block placed on [[Shining Time Station]] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Shining%20Time%20Station&diff=prev&oldid=3781520 inexplicably removing content] (though I suspect that the user is yet another sockpuppet of repeat vandal Fourlaxers, [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User%20talk:DawgDeputy&diff=prev&oldid=2229277 as he considers Schemer calling his mother "Mommy" childish] (every quote he removed, has even the smallest hint of Schemer referencing his mother), despite the fact that that is how the show was made and he cannot do anything about it). I request that he be blocked indefinitely with account creation permanently disabled, and a stronger and longer block be placed on the article. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 15:19, 27 September 2025 (UTC) : Declined, Vandalism already stooped. If they start edits again, feel free to re-report. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:12, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-2, 00:02 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27393-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:03, 2 October 2025 (UTC) : Indeffed after talk page abuse. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:11, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-3, 12:24 == * {{Vandal|Rehmanmahidu}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 3 October 2025 (UTC) : Blocked and delete -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:09, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-4, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|Aroon596}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:40, 4 October 2025 (UTC) : Blocked and delete. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 15:05, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-6 18:13 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27890-11}} Creating vandalism pages. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:14, 6 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-7, 03:28 == * {{Vandal|Nehal Khan Jit}} * {{Vandal|Nehal Khan Jit Chemist}} crosswiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:29, 7 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:09, 7 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-9, 16:57 == * {{Vandal|Huynhthiminhngoc99 are amazingsssss}} Long-term abuse. [[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 16:57, 9 October 2025 (UTC) :(non-admin comment) Now globally locked. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 17:07, 9 October 2025 (UTC) ::Blocked here as well now. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:34, 9 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-9, 23:20 == * {{Vandal|Misrut fridew}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/गुंडा]], [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:22, 9 October 2025 (UTC) : already locked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 07:30, 10 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-10, 13:01 == * {{Vandal|2025-28348-18}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/SheSaidCampaign]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:02, 10 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:25, 10 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-10, 13:02 == * {{Vandal|Abidbanga}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:03, 10 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:27, 10 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-11, 12:35 == * {{Vandal|RalfP.Carreon78}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:35, 11 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — globally blocked by someone else. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 13:32, 12 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-12, 13:23 == * {{Vandal|Esimoio}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:23, 12 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and pages deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 13:33, 12 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-13, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|Palhsn}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Mate Sam99/Archive]], contribution on [[Mai Vu Minh]] ([[:w:Mai Vu Minh]], [[:w:simple:Mai Vu Minh]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:37, 13 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:38, 13 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-13, 19:06 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-28703-67}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 19:07, 13 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:40, 13 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-14, 11:48 == * {{Vandal|Adeosun 007}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:19, 14 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:44, 14 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-14, 23:05 == * {{Vandal|Escort Girls In Uae}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:33, 14 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:36, 14 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-15, 14:16 == * {{Vandal|Sri isoftwarez}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:17, 15 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by another admin. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:29, 15 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-18, 00:15 == * {{Vandal|Xewz}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Would_build]], [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]], [[Abdelnasser Abdelfattah]], [[Special:Diff/3823644]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:16, 18 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-18, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|Victoria1265}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:49, 18 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-18, 12:49 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29255-18}} Vandalism. [[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 19:00, 18 October 2025 (UTC) :Note: [[Special:Contributions/~2025-29159-51|~2025-29159-51]] is the same person as this [[User:Thegoofhere|Thegoofhere]] ([[User talk:Thegoofhere|talk]]) 00:17, 19 October 2025 (UTC) ::{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 01:17, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 11:54 == * {{Vandal|Ahealthydivorce}} * {{Vandal|Beyondarchitects7}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:55, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:59, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 11:55 == * {{Vandal|Alexdon10}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:58, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:00, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 11:58 == * {{Vandal|Goodhiredomestichelperinsingap}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:53, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:01, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 12:53 == * {{Vandal|Doublegcontractingpainting}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:56, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:01, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 12:56 == * {{Vandal|Goodhiredomestichelper}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:24, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:01, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-20, 11:40 == * {{Vandal|Dacknight01}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:40, 20 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else it seems. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:24, 20 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-20, 11:40 == * {{Vandal|KaiakSa}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Mate Sam99/Archive]] ([[Special:Contributions/Palhsn]], blocked by {{u|Koavf}}), contribution on [[Mai Vũ Minh]] ([[:w:Mai Vu Minh]], [[:w:simple:Mai Vu Minh]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:44, 20 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:32, 20 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-21, 11:52 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29574-83}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Mate Sam99/Archive]] ([[Special:Contributions/Palhsn]], blocked by {{u|Koavf}}), contribution on [[Mai Vũ Minh]] ([[:w:Mai Vu Minh]], [[:w:simple:Mai Vu Minh]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 21 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 16:59, 21 October 2025 (UTC) ::The page has been deleted. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:02, 21 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-23, 11:23 == * {{Vandal|Betjp88}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:08, 23 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-24, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|AmeriSurgical}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 24 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked by another admin. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-24, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29918-98}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:40, 24 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-24, 12:40 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29926-75}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:41, 24 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-25, 11:17 == * {{Vandal|Bel BZGIGI}} Basic spam on two newly created talk pages (and on [[:meta:Talk:Wikiquote/fr]]). [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 11:22, 25 October 2025 (UTC) :Now vandalizing the subject namespace too at [[Destiné doukaga]]. [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 13:54, 25 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-26, 05:41 == * {{Vandal|VedankTamrakar}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:42, 26 October 2025 (UTC) :globally locked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:42, 27 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-26, 18:55 == * {{IPvandal|2601:5C7:4100:3600:ADDC:867A:249D:753B/64}} Extensive vandalism since earlier this month. [[User:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh]] ([[User talk:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|talk]]) 19:55, 26 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for one month. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:48, 27 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-27, 22:31 == * {{Vandal|Freeshops}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:08, 27 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-30, 08:39 == * {{Vandal|NyamericanJacket1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:40, 30 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:55, 30 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-30, 22:56 == * {{Vandal|Muzammal Shahzad}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:56, 30 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-1, 08:35 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-30266-26}} Vandalism. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 08:36, 1 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-5, 11:26 == * {{Vandal|Charlotte Millerr}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:19, 5 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:21, 5 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-7, 07:36 == * {{Vandal|Kitoinfocoms}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:36, 7 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:02, 7 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-7, 12:14 == * {{Vandal|Yanok7}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:34, 7 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by UDScott. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:32, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-7, 22:34 == * {{Vandal|Hasan061}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 7 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:31, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-8, 06:57 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-31580-72}} * {{IPvandal|~2025-31052-57}} * {{IPvandal|~2025-31358-44}} I believe the following unregistered editors are all tied to the same end user. Whatever the case may be, these three are shown to consistently disruptively edit the [[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]] page to a version generally accepted to contain misleading content. There is an ongoing edit war over this issue.[[User:729MT|729MT]] ([[User talk:729MT|talk]]) 07:27, 8 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:15, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-8, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|Nutribray}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-11, 12:20 == * {{Vandal|Md Tahamid Badhon}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:25, 11 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:52, 11 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 12:40 == * {{Vandal|Dwakm}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:16, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|Braden nekton 9}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:31, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 13:31 == * {{Vandal|SweepyMaids}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:54, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 14:27 == * {{Vandal|~2025-32990-85}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:52, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 18:35 == * {{Vandal|2600:1005:B152:F260:5428:B3D5:CD09:6252}} Classic vandalism. [[User:Left page|Left page]] ([[User talk:Left page|talk]]) 18:35, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-13, 05:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-32982-32}} spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Braden_nekton_9]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:01, 13 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:48, 13 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-13, 08:21 == * {{Vandal|Usacarwash}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:04, 13 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-14, 12:12 == * {{Vandal|Americanplumbing}} Spam, [[Special:Contributions/Americanplumbingservice]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 14 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-13, 09:04 == * {{Vandal|MortleyT1}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:10, 13 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:28, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-14, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|~2025-33528-17}} Vandalism, removed CSD tag, [[Special:Contributions/GMK7]] (Recreated [[Temperance Fitzgerald]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 14 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:33, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-15, 3:46 == * {{Vandal|~2025-33593-32}} Vandalism-only account. [[User:Left page|<span style="color:blue">⬅️ '''Left page'''</span>]] ([[User talk:Left page|'''discuss''']]) 03:47, 15 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:35, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-15, 12:37 == * {{Vandal|Mmusolan11}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:38, 15 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:37, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-15, 15:39 == * {{Vandal|LastHappyhippo}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 15:39, 17 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-19, 13:15 == * {{Vandal|Proowrx}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:16, 19 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:19, 19 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-19, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|~2025-34951-18}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:11, 19 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:22, 19 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-19, 22:55 == * {{Vandal|~2025-34935-01}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:21, 19 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:48, 20 November 2025 (UTC) — account blocked for one year, created pages deleted. == New report 2025-11-21, 12:27 == * {{Vandal|Kingasterisk technologies}} Spam-only account. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:09, 21 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-21, 13:09 == * {{Vandal|GaniGashi11}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_piktori]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_piktor]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_13]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_1944]]. Please see: [[:w:en:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Gani Gashi piktor]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:44, 21 November 2025 (UTC) :Subject: Strong Objection to Deletion – Gani Gashi Wikiquote Page :Dear editors, :I am writing to formally object to the proposed deletion of the Wikiquote entry for Gani Gashi, as the page clearly meets the core inclusion standards and contains verifiable, encyclopedic, and culturally relevant material. :1. Notability and Encyclopedic Value :Gani Gashi is a recognized contemporary painter whose work has been exhibited, published, and cited in multiple independent sources. His artistic contributions, style, and public presence are documented through reliable coverage in media, exhibitions, catalogues, and scholarly discussions. This satisfies Wikiquote’s and Wikipedia’s general notability guidelines. :2. Published, Verifiable Quotations :The quotations included on the page are: :Published :Verifiable :Directly attributed :Relevant to his artistic philosophy and public contributions :This aligns precisely with Wikiquote’s purpose: to archive significant quotations from notable individuals whose work impacts culture, art, and public discourse. :3. Cultural and Artistic Significance :It is important to recognize that not all volunteers are familiar with regional art history or Balkan contemporary art. However, lack of personal familiarity with an artist cannot serve as grounds for deletion when reliable sources, verifiable quotations, and clear notability exist. Cultural representation on Wikiquote must remain broad and inclusive, not limited only to globally mainstream figures. :4. No Policy-Based Reason for Deletion :After reviewing the deletion rationale, I find: :No concrete policy violation :No issue with verifiability :No issue with sourcing :No copyright concern :No demonstration that the subject is non-notable :A deletion without a policy-based justification would go against Wikiquote’s mission of preserving notable cultural contributions. :5. Request for Fair Review :I respectfully request: :A policy-based explanation if deletion continues to be considered :A fair and neutral review of the sources and quotations :That the page remain available, as it demonstrably meets inclusion criteria :Unless clear and specific violations are identified, there is no valid reason under Wikiquote policy for the page to be deleted. :Thank you for your time, neutrality, and commitment to maintaining a diverse and representative project. :Kind regards, :Sadete [[User:GaniGashi11|GaniGashi11]] ([[User talk:GaniGashi11|talk]]) 14:00, 21 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-21, 14:42 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35203-22}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:54, 21 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked temporarily, but will keep an eye out for further issues. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:46, 21 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-22, 12:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35534-39}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:26, 22 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and created pages deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 19:40, 22 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-22, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35574-75}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 21:33, 22 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:51, 22 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-23, 11:43 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35324-70}} Vandalism-only account. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:43, 23 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:04, 23 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-23, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35620-26}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:59, 23 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:04, 23 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-24, 05:10 == * {{Vandal|ScoreProTips2025}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:55, 24 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 10:16, 24 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-24, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|Tsconect}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:06, 24 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-27, 08:58 == * {{Vandal|~2025-36599-65}} Vandalism. [[User:MasashiInoue|MasashiInoue]] ([[User talk:MasashiInoue|talk]]) 09:01, 27 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-28, 13:15 == * {{Vandal|VaughnAWamsley}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 28 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-28 14:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-36976-34}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 13:59, 28 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-28 23:34 == * {{Vandal|~2025-37162-45}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:34, 28 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-29, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|Bravobuilt35}} * {{Vandal|68658ghgg}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:55, 29 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-1, 12:52 == * {{Vandal|Thapegador}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:13, 1 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:08, 1 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-2, 14:15 == * {{Vandal|~2025-38000-68}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 14:14, 2 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:07, 2 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-2, 23:46 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35880-43}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:46, 2 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for 2 weeks. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:23, 3 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-4, 12:38 == * {{Vandal|LinaHayes25}} * {{Vandal|Junohayes}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 4 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-5, 13:03 == * {{Vandal|Matildasmit}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:04, 5 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:23, 6 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-5, 13:04 == * {{Vandal|Beautifulmindhealth}} Spam/advertising-only account. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:05, 5 December 2025 (UTC) : '''Non-admin comment''': blocked indefinitely by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 18:22, 6 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-6, 09:31 == * {{Vandal|Maiqueiizz}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:44, 6 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:25, 6 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-7, 03:11 == * {{Vandal|~2025-36599-65}} Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 03:12, 7 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:40, 7 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-7, 19:30 == * {{Vandal|~2025-39184-02}} Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 19:30, 7 December 2025 (UTC) :Blocked indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 20:19, 7 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-8, 00:03 == * {{Vandal|M7 better, Hiyuune bad}} LTA. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 00:04, 8 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:13, 8 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-8, 00:04 == * {{Vandal|~2025-39065-25}} Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 00:05, 8 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:14, 8 December 2025 (UTC) ::{{replyto|Kalki}} Thanks very much for dealing with that vandalism. Could you (or any other admin who sees this) please block the underlying IP (which you can see as an admin and I can see as a temporary account IP viewer)? The underlying IP has several temporary accounts associated with it and has been blocked previously before the introduction of temporary accounts. Thanks! [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 04:35, 8 December 2025 (UTC) :::{{Done|Blocked}} for 3 months. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:19, 8 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-14, 03:45 == * {{Vandal|Johnteyeministry}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:43, 14 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and spam pages deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 06:06, 14 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-14, 16:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-40578-15}} Repeatedly inserted nonsense at [[The Simpsons]]. [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #c56030">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #64cea0">()</span>]] 16:55, 14 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for 2 weeks. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:09, 14 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-15, 12:18 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27022-09}} vandalism, e.g. at [[Frozen (2013 film)]] or [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4]] [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #c56030">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #64cea0">()</span>]] 12:38, 15 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:07, 15 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-15, 20:09 == * {{Vandal|Higashizakura vs Ternera, Ternera Best}} LTA 404. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:09, 15 December 2025 (UTC) : Globally locked by Bsadowski1. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 20:15, 15 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-16, 12:45 == * {{Vandal|Supertech123}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:46, 16 December 2025 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:35, 17 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-18, 11:16 == * {{Vandal|~2025-41607-99}} Vandalism. [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #c56030">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #64cea0">()</span>]] 12:02, 18 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:54, 18 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-18, 12:02 == * {{Vandal|Trends87}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:54, 18 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:55, 18 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-18 17:32 == * {{Vandal|Mosdaliodf}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 17:31, 18 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 16:15, 19 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-19, 13:06 == * {{Vandal|Pirazhppouyaa}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:06, 19 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 16:16, 19 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-14, 16:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-40578-15}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 16:54, 14 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} by Saroj. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:13, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-15, 20:04 == * {{Vandal|~2025-40913-54}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:04, 15 December 2025 (UTC) : This is stale, please re-report if they continue vandalizing. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:13, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-19, 13:06 == * {{Vandal|HitoryCloud}} spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:11, 19 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done|Page deleted}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:12, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-20, 23:10 == * {{Vandal|~2025-41906-72}} Talk page nonsense. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:10, 20 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:12, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-24, 12:57 == * {{Vandal|0prestogroup}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:57, 24 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:40, 24 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-24, 12:57 == * {{Vandal|0sipconinstrument}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:01, 24 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:40, 24 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-28, 10:48 == * {{Vandal|~2025-43194-97}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:12, 28 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by global sysop. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:19, 28 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-29, 22:47 == * {{Vandal|~2025-43806-18}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:47, 29 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:34, 29 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-1, 12:47 == * {{Vandal|Jeff32144}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:09, 1 January 2026 (UTC) : Blocked by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 21:28, 1 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-1, 13:09 == * {{Vandal|Jeck321}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:16, 1 January 2026 (UTC) : Blocked by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 21:29, 1 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-3, 08:35 == * {{Vandal|Stephen Ho 7}} Vandalism, [[Special:Log/Stephen_Ho_7]], [[Special:Contributions/~2026-17814]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:37, 3 January 2026 (UTC) :Blocked by Kalki. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:04, 4 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-4, 04:46 == * {{Vandal|TidesAreRisin}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/The_Doors_Jim_Morrison_Jr]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Jim_Morrison_II]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:48, 4 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:07, 4 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-6, 22:31 == * {{Vandal|~2026-12186-1}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:32, 6 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:54, 6 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-7, 17:27 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14142-0}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 17:26, 7 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:51, 7 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-9, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|Gylawetudenipl12}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki Spam. [[Special:CentralAuth/AmitMeena0000]], [[Special:Contributions/Babaf95832]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:01, 9 January 2026 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:49, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-10, 21:54 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14254-3}} Every change they had made to WQ has been rolled back. They are all vandalism. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 22:10, 10 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:48, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-11, 02:38 == * {{Vandal|Bsndjfjsnskrty}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Amitmeena7777]], Recreated [[Aman Meena]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:36, 11 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:48, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-11, 05:49 == * {{Vandal|Sjjdiftjeuewwuwddd}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Amitmeena7777]], created [[Technical 01]] used by [[Aman Meena]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:38, 11 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:03, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 01:02 == * {{Vandal|Tahbibmahmud}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Bet365aminul]], Recreated [[Ariyan Mehedi]], [[:w:en:Ariyan Mehedi]], [[:w:simple:Ariyan Mehedi]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:38, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:41, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 07:31 == * {{Vandal|Hdapatna345}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:32, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 08:05, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 07:54 == * {{Vandal|Katerichards1607}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:54, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 08:04, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 08:05 == * {{Vandal|Ytgb5}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Laxmi_Narayan_Maharana]]. Created [[Laxmi Narayan Maharana]], [[:w:en:Laxmi Narayan Maharana]], [[:w:simple:Laxmi Narayan Maharana]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:43, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 12:08, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 21:47 == * {{Vandal|Moonschein07}} Clearly only here to vandalize and not to build. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 21:48, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by global sysop SHB2000. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:13, 13 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-13, 17:14 == * {{Vandal|~2026-27365-4}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 17:14, 13 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} by Codename Noreste. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:36, 13 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-14, 20:47 == * {{Vandal|~2026-30429-2}} * {{Vandal|~2026-30143-3}} LTA. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:47, 14 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 21:25, 14 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-15, 12:56 == * {{Vandal|Vinkion}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Blirth]], [[Special:CentralAuth/AyanJohn]], [[Special:CentralAuth/SaifFullah]], Recreated [[Umar Jaum]], [[:w:en:Umar Jaum]], [[:w:simple:Umar Jaum]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:57, 15 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:05, 15 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-15, 13:05 == * {{Vandal|Zenithsttudyabroad}} spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:03, 15 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:57, 15 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-17, 03:39 == * {{Vandal|Sccdggvdvkkrjjerfbvdcd}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Sjjdiftjeuewwuwddd]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:52, 17 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:09, 17 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-17, 05:09 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35659-4}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:59, 17 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 06:46, 17 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-18, 11:12 == * {{Vandal|Btbthhwvefjgtktjheeh}} Spam, [[Special:Contributions/Sjjdiftjeuewwuwddd]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:13, 18 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:38, 18 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-18, 21:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-38539-8}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 21:03, 18 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done|Blocked}} by Tanbiruzzaman. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 22:37, 18 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-23, 12:50 == * {{Vandal|~2026-50327-5}} * {{Vandal|~2026-50881-1}} * {{Vandal|PbFwun}} Long-term abuse, created page [[Realjjfrosh]] ([[:w:en:Realjjfrosh]], [[:w:simple:Realjjfrosh]], [[:w:en:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Realjjfrosh]]) [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:30, 23 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done|Page deleted}}. If any of these accounts attempt to create the page again, a block will be possible. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:23, 24 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-23, 23:45 == * {{Vandal|Deas-Fafa}} Vandalism; see the page history for [[KPop Demon Hunters]] and [[Family Guy]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 23:45, 23 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:20, 24 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-27, 12:45 == * {{Vandal|Leatherchapo1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:45, 27 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by Saroj. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:16, 27 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-27, 22:53 == * {{Vandal|~2026-54571-5}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:53, 28 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:59, 28 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-30, 13:56 == * [[Special:Redirect/logid/3644151]] [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:57, 30 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-30, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|Jontyx191}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 30 January 2026 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:57, 30 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-31, 11:45 == * {{Vandal|Constructxpert}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:45, 31 January 2026 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:25, 31 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-31, 11:45 == * {{Vandal|Planit5}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:50, 31 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:27, 31 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-01, 21:46 == * {{Vandal|~2026-71678-9}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 21:46, 1 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:34, 2 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-1, 22:38 == * {{IPvandal|2026-71678-9}} Vandalism. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 23:02, 1 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:35, 2 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-01, 23:15 == * {{Vandal|ReggieRedPanda}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:15, 1 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} by Kalki. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:44, 2 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-10, 00:33 == * {{Vandal|Splendasofficial}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:15, 10 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:53, 10 February 2026 (UTC) blocked, deleted spam. == New report 2026-02-11, 19:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-93068-5}} Vandalism by replacing words with emojis, continued after warning. [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color:#c56030;background:inherit;">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color:#64cea0;background:inherit">()</span>]] 19:04, 11 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:08, 11 February 2026 (UTC) ::@[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] For inof: The \64 range block expired yesterday.I have blocked the range again. [[User:WikiBayer|WikiBayer]] ([[User talk:WikiBayer|talk]]) 19:11, 11 February 2026 (UTC) :::Thanks, WikiBayer. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:14, 11 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-13, 13:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-97201-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:22, 13 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for 1 week. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:54, 13 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-14, 07:39 == * {{Vandal|Govariabletechai}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:39, 14 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:01, 14 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-15, 08:06 == * {{IPvandal|~2026-10157-68}} Vandalism, [[Special:Contributions/~2026-97201-6]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:36, 15 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely; /64 range also blocked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 10:00, 15 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-16, 16:27 == * {{Vandal|~2026-10523-70}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 16:27, 16 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:34, 16 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-17, 18:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-10693-96}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:03, 17 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:05, 17 February 2026 (UTC) ::Thanks for handling this. I've also blocked the IP for 3 months, as it was the same user reported above. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:12, 17 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-20, 14:19 == * {{Vandal|Tanishalux}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:21, 20 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:30, 20 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-20, 14:03 == * {{Vandal|Digitalitstore}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:03, 20 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} (by someone else) - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:27, 20 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-20, 14:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11450-48}} Vandalism, [[Special:Contributions/~2026-77860-7]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:19, 20 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:27, 20 February 2026 (UTC) ::I went ahead and blocked the underlying /24 range. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:05, 20 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-22, 09:23 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11652-80}} Please block the underlying /64 IP range of this user for several months (it's a /64 so only one device will be on it). It's long-term abuse from our resident extreme right-wing vandal (see [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/041#2001:8003:DC14::/48: long-term abuse by antisemitic racist extreme right-wing vandal for six years]]). [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 10:26, 22 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:03, 22 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-22, 12:46 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11769-06}} * {{Vandal|HappyStephenUSA (Version 7)}} Vandalism, Recreated [[Five Point Clientele]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:33, 22 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:38, 22 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-23, 11:35 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11989-11}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:35, 23 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:20, 23 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-23, 12:14 == * {{Vandal|Apoorvkohli}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:52, 23 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:20, 23 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-24, 03:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-12130-66}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 03:21, 24 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:28, 24 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-26, 13:46 == * {{Vandal|Kiel Bednar}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:42, 26 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:44, 26 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-27, 02:07 == * {{Vandal|Sommers The Holy Knight}} Long-term abuse (Zjholder/Reversi). [[User:NX3710|NX3710]] ([[User talk:NX3710|talk]]) 02:15, 27 February 2026 (UTC) :Nevermind, user is globally locked now. [[User:NX3710|NX3710]] ([[User talk:NX3710|talk]]) 03:37, 27 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-2, 12:50 == * {{Vandal|Eutechrecruit}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:20, 2 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:30, 2 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-2, 13:20 == * {{Vandal|Sicsallc}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:21, 2 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:30, 2 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-2, 13:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-13367-78}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:23, 2 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:30, 2 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-3, 16:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-13772-04}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 16:21, 3 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. User blocked and article protected for three months. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:38, 3 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-5, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14175-37}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:20, 5 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:43, 5 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-5, 18:28 == * {{Vandal|Rsfsdfd}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:28, 5 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:58, 5 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-7, 06:54 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14650-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:22, 7 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:31, 7 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-9, 15:14 == * {{Vandal|~2026-15017-41}} LTA. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 15:14, 9 March 2026 (UTC) : {{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:24, 9 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-8, 08:39 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14739-24}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:01, 8 March 2026 (UTC) :Blocked globally by a steward. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 21:38, 10 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-13, 20:51 == * {{Vandal|~2026-16223-35}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:51, 13 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:32, 14 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-18, 12:07 == * {{Vandal|Michealikwi}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Realjjfrosh]]. Recreated [[Realjjfrosh]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:47, 18 March 2026 (UTC) :Already globally locked by Barras. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:54, 18 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-19, 11:28 == * {{Vandal|Akshaysharmaavs}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:28, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:31, 19 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-19, 11:28 == * {{Vandal|IBlogFlare}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:30, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} by UDScott. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:32, 19 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-20, 01:19 == * {{Vandal|Edwin Cole Lee ecll}} Long-term abuse, [[Special:Contributions/Edwin_ColeLee987654]]. Recreated [[Edwin Cole Lee]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:14, 20 March 2026 (UTC) :Account is globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:27, 20 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-21, 07:17 == * {{Vandal|AlMuqarramIndustry}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:18, 21 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:56, 21 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-23, 18:51 == * {{Vandal|韓英雄戴上蘋果手錶來攻打台灣}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:52, 23 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by GreenMeansGo. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 22:01, 23 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-26 == * {{Vandal|~2026-18366-74}} Epstein abuse. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 20:46, 26 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 00:24, 27 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-29, 12:33 == * {{Vandal|Hollandadvocaten01}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:33, 29 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:35, 29 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-31, 12:37 == * {{Vandal|Ali raza 41306}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:38, 31 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 12:48, 31 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-31, 12:48 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14588-11}} Temp address who has done some pretty suspecious edits: take [[Special:Diff/3906458|this]] edit on My Little Pony: Equestria Girls for one, with a scene that doesn't exist in the original (evident because of the swearing which isn't in the film proper). There's also [[Special:Diff/3922034|this]] edit on the Total Drama page featuring two deleted scenes which don't exist at all (and feature characters who AREN'T from Total Drama). [[Special:Diff/3472605|A similar edit]] was done a couple years back on the Total Drama Action page, featuring the same selection of characters (and whoever "1Smash18" is), so it's obvious this person is SoulEaterFan (some edit summaries insist that "SoulEaterFan doesn't exist", but evidence suggests otherwise. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 13:24, 31 March 2026 (UTC) : I blocked the underlying range. Thanks. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 04:02, 6 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-31, 13:24 == * {{Vandal|Petrowien}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:36, 31 March 2026 (UTC) : Page deleted by GreenMeansGo. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 04:00, 6 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-6, 20:28 == * {{Vandal|~2026-21266-04}} A lot of vandalism especially on talk pages. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 21:03, 6 April 2026 (UTC) : I've blocked them from the article and talk namespaces for a month. If needed, it can be expanded to a site-wide block. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 23:41, 6 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-13, 00:14 == * {{Vandal|~2026-21744-59}} IP address showing similar behavior to Evilasio da Paz (SoulEaterFan). Targeted two separate My Little Pony pages; [[Special:Diff/3927068|one such edit]] restored a number of quotes commonly added by SEF; [[Special:Diff/3926975|the other edit]] also added quotes commonly added by SEF. It also [[User talk:MilkyZap|accused a completely unrelated user of being SoulEaterFan]] even though the user it accused was only reverting the edit done by SoulEaterFan. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 00:19, 13 April 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 01:41, 13 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-13, 02:32 == * {{Vandal|MilkyZap}} Sockpuppet of Evilasio da Paz/SoulEaterFan; confirmed through [[Special:Diff/3927612|this edit]] on the page documenting various socks and [[Special:Diff/3927604|this edit]] where it removed my report on ANOTHER SEF sock. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 02:34, 13 April 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 02:38, 13 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-6, 03:30 == * {{Vandal|~2026-20174-32}} Please block the underlying IP of this user for several months (there shouldn't be too much collateral damage from blocking that one IP, but there's a rangeblock on it on the English Wikipedia). It's long-term abuse from our resident extreme right-wing vandal (see [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/041#2001:8003:DC14::/48: long-term abuse by antisemitic racist extreme right-wing vandal for six years]]). Thanks. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 03:48, 6 April 2026 (UTC) : I blocked the underlying range. If you need me to adjust the block or the range, email me. Thanks. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 03:59, 6 April 2026 (UTC) :: CC @[[User:Graham87|Graham87]] to my response above. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:56, 16 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-24, 12:41 == * {{Vandal|Adetoro muiz4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:42, 24 April 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:09, 24 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-24, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|Toni Tagiam}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:02, 24 April 2026 (UTC) : {{done|Globally locked}} by MarcGarver until 2027-04-24. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:01, 24 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-24, 15:11 == * {{Vandal|Owolabi Habeeb ola}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 15:18, 24 April 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:44, 26 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-6, 12:31 == * {{Vandal|Sdfclothing}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:29, 6 May 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}, and their only article creation was speedily deleted. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:32, 7 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-11, 10:39 == * {{Vandal|Taskraja}} * {{Vandal|Marinas94}} * {{Vandal|Travelaa}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:39, 11 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:07, 11 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-12, 22:19 == * {{Vandal|Ragnir 29912}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:19, 12 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:26, 12 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-9, 04:16 == * {{Vandal|Hammond Johns}} Userpage issues, removed CSD tag. [[w:WP:AB]] [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:17, 9 May 2026 (UTC) :Sorry, I wasn't trying to vandalise anything. I was just trying to fix the issues you raised. I'm new at this. I'll just leave it now & will accept any decision you make. [[User:Hammond Johns|Hammond Johns]] ([[User talk:Hammond Johns|talk]]) 05:19, 9 May 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} User has been warned. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 12:57, 14 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-17, 02:26 == * {{Vandal|Mozang555}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Jinnahpk]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Hipponz]]. Created page [[Akhter Aly Kureshy]] ([[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Akhtar Aly Kureshy]]) [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 17 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:33, 17 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-19, 11:35 == * {{Vandal|Capitalskinspa25}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 19 May 2026 (UTC) : {{done}} by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:50, 19 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-20, 14:06 == * {{Vandal|~2026-30337-22}} repeated vandalism, several temp accounts before on this article before already, so pls consider protecting the page. [[User:Icodense|Icodense]] ([[User talk:Icodense|talk]]) 14:07, 20 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:19, 20 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-22, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|Fav Jacket}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:43, 22 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:14, 22 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-25, 12:21 == * {{Vandal|Khandaker Ripon Bio}} * {{Vandal|Ahmed Ripon 26}} * {{Vandal|খন্দকার রিপন}} Spam & Abusing multiple accounts (Recreated [[Khandaker Ripon]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:23, 25 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:31, 25 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-29, 14:37 == * {{Vandal|Mpyfdh zsitrp}} Long-term abuse. [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]] ([[Special:CentralAuth/Télévision_Française]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Would_build]]). Recreated [[Abdelnasser Abdelfattah]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:39, 29 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:02, 29 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-29, 14:39 == * {{Vandal|Need Reqer}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:40, 29 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:02, 29 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-30, 10:28 == * {{Vandal|Alive5Official}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:08, 30 May 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:52, 30 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-2, 17:04 == * {{Vandal|~2026-32675-17}} Butchered the [[Spanish colonization of the Americas]] page, looks like vandalism. . [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 17:30, 2 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:28, 2 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-3, 12:37 == * {{Vandal|UNIX-QUANTUM-NETWORKS}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:37, 3 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 12:41, 3 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-3, 12:37 == * {{Vandal|Pathanbd69}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 3 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}, and the recent page was deleted. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 12:44, 3 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-3, 12:44 == * {{Vandal|~2026-32979-36}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:45, 3 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 17:48, 3 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-5, 12:47 == * {{Vandal|Profabdelfatah}} Removed CSD tag at [[DGStory]] (no quotes), [[:w:WP:AB]] at [[Hussein Abdelfatah]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:49, 5 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by Alaa. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:01, 5 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-6, 03:13 == * {{Vandal|Rap_Goddess0}} Sole page created is obviously promotional content. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 03:19, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :My page is not promotional please you can check my articles on wikidata, simple English Wikipedia and Yoruba Wikipedia. Thank [[User:Rap Goddess0|Rap Goddess0]] ([[User talk:Rap Goddess0|talk]]) 03:22, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :My other links am notable please: :@[[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] [https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q137670288 My wikidata page] [[User:Rap Goddess0|Rap Goddess0]] ([[User talk:Rap Goddess0|talk]]) 03:23, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :I would also like to point out that every time I add the speedy delete notice, it gets removed and this person sends strange messages on my talk page (one of them suggests I get a job). [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 04:09, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 04:21, 6 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-6, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Northex Industries}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:26, 6 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-8, 03:18 == * {{Vandal|Mehsi-tourism}} * {{Vandal|~2026-33757-37}} Abusing multiple accounts & removed CSD tag at [[Mirza Halim Shah Dargah]] (no quotes). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 8 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 8 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 11:19 == * {{Vandal|Mikhailsims}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:06, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|AnuraagRath}} [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-11, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|Leminho567}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) 3uf5aekeuycio80e7wgwsiklxxk6yt5 0 288501 3955061 3952260 2026-06-21T13:20:04Z ~2026-28637-73 3319274 3955061 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Brothers (2009 film)|Brothers]]''''' is a [[w:2009 in film|2009]] American psychological thriller war film, telling the story of a [[w:United States Marine Corps|USMC]] soldier who is extremely traumatized with a post-traumatic stress disorder that strains his own family, even his wife and brother. :''Directed by [[w:Jim Sheridan|Jim Sheridan]]; Screenplay by [[w:David Benioff|David Benioff]]; Produced by [[w:Michael De Luca|Michael De Luca]], [[w:Sigurjón Sightvatsson|Sigurjón Sighvatsson]] and [[w:Ryan Kavanaugh|Ryan Kavanaugh]]; Based on the [[w:Brothers (2004 film)|Danish film of the same name]] by [[w:Susanne Bier|Susanne Bier]] and [[w:Anders Thomas Jensen|Anders Thomas Jensen]]'' {{center|'''There are two sides of every family'''<small></small>}} ==Captain Sam Cahill== * ''[opening lines]'' October 7, 2007, four days till we deploy. Grace knows I would do anything to get back to her. Anything. Today, I wrote her a letter. * ''[last lines of the movie]'' I don't know who said "only the dead have seen the end of war". I have seen the end of war. The question is: can I live again? ==Dialogue== :'''Sam Cahill''': You're good. :'''Tommy Cahill''': Better than I thought. :'''Sam Cahill''': You look good out there with them. Thanks for taking care of them. I didn't expect that. :'''Tommy Cahill''': It just comes naturally, you know. Makes me start to think, you know. :'''Sam Cahill''': Grace is something, huh? Did you fuck her? :'''Tommy Cahill''': What? You kidding? :'''Sam Cahill''': I'd understand. You thought I was dead. Tommy, I can forgive you. :'''Tommy Cahill''': What's going on in your head? That's making you think that. :'''Sam Cahill''': You guys just look like two teenagers in love out there. :'''Tommy Cahill''': All right. :'''Sam Cahill''': I mean, you know, you can't deny that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sam Cahill''': You know what I did to get back to you? :'''Grace Cahill''': No. :'''Sam Cahill''': ''[screaming]'' You know what I '''''DID TO FUCKING GET BACK TO YOU?! YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU KNOW HOW HE FUCKING SUFFERED?!''''' ''[furiously points at Grace]'' '''''HE FUCKING SUFFERED BECAUSE OF YOU! AND WHAT IS HE DOING WITH MY FUCKING HOUSE AND MY FUCKING KIDS, GRACE?!! YOU'RE FUCKING MY BROTHER!''''' ''[furiously rips the handle off the refrigerator freezer]'' :'''Grace Cahill''': Sam, you know I didn't. :'''Sam Cahill''': '''''YOU'RE FUCKING MY BROTHER IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!''''' :'''Grace Cahill''': Sam, please. :'''Sam Cahill''': I LOVE YOU, GRACE! :'''Grace Cahill''': The girls, please. :'''Sam Cahill''': You know how much I love you?! You know what I... Grace, do you know what I fucking... ''YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO WITH THESE FUCKING HANDS, GRACE?!'' ''[Furiously and repeatedly slaps himself in the face]'' FUCK! FUCK!!! ==Cast== *[[w:Tobey Maguire|Tobey Maguire]] as Capt. Samuel "Sam" Cahill *[[w:Jake Gyllenhaal|Jake Gyllenhaal]] as Thomas "Tommy" Cahill, Sam's younger brother *[[w:Natalie Portman|Natalie Portman]] as Grace Cahill, Sam's wife *[[w:Sam Shepard|Sam Shepard]] as Henry "Hank" Cahill, Sam & Tommy's father *[[w:Mare Winningham|Mare Winningham]] as Elsie Cahill, Sam & Tommy's stepmother *[[w:Bailee Madison|Bailee Madison]] as Isabelle Cahill, Sam & Grace's older daughter and Tommy's niece *Taylor Geare as Margaret "Maggie" Cahill, Sam & Grace's younger daughter and Tommy's niece *[[w:Patrick Flueger|Patrick Flueger]] as Pvt. Joseph "Joe" Willis *[[w:Clifton Collins Jr.|Clifton Collins Jr.]] as Maj. Cavazos *[[w:Carey Mulligan|Carey Mulligan]] as Cassie Willis, Joe's wife *[[w:Omid Abtahi|Omid Abtahi]] as Yusuf *[[w:Ethan Suplee|Ethan Suplee]] as Sweeney *[[w:Navid Negahban|Navid Negahban]] as Murad *Yousef Azami as Taliban Leader *[[w:Jenny Wade|Jenny Wade]] as Tina *[[w:César Évora|César Évora]] as Gabriel *Enayat Delawary as Ahmed *Arron Shiver as A. J. *Ray Prewitt as Owen ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Brothers (2009 film)}} * {{IMDb title|id=0765010|title=Brothers}} [[Category:2009 films]] [[Category:2000s American films]] [[Category:War films]] [[Category:Thriller films]] [[Category:Films about brothers]] [[Category:Films about families]] mnavkodlm8ijhn93o1jyk4ys3eadgd3 0 288611 3955162 3699639 2026-06-21T23:00:07Z Dronebogus 3078761 3955162 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dschuang-Dsi-Schmetterlingstraum-Zhuangzi-Butterfly-Dream.jpg|thumb| Once Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly, a butterfly flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Zhuangzi. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakable Zhuangzi. But he didn't know if he was Zhuangzi who had dreamt he was a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he was Zhuangzi. —[[Zhuangzi]]]] The '''simulation hypothesis''' proposes that what one experiences as the world is actually a simulated reality, such as a computer simulation in which we ourselves are constructs. There has been much debate over this topic in the philosophical discourse, and regarding practical applications in computing. == Quotes == * Once Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly, a butterfly flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Zhuangzi. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakable Zhuangzi. But he didn't know if he was Zhuangzi who had dreamt he was a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he was Zhuangzi. Between Zhuangzi and a butterfly there must be some distinction! This is called the Transformation of Things. ** [[Zhuangzi]], (2, tr. Burton Watson 1968:49) *I will suppose therefore that not God, who is supremely good and the source of truth, but rather some malicious demon of the utmost power and cunning has employed all his energies in order to deceive me. I shall think that the sky, the air, the earth, colours, shapes, sounds and all external things are merely the delusions of dreams which he has devised to ensnare my judgement. I shall consider myself as not having hands or eyes, or flesh, or blood or senses but as falsely believing that I have all these things. I shall stubbornly and firmly persist in this meditation; and, even if it is not in my power to know any truth, I shall at least do what is in my power, that is, resolutely guard against assenting to any falsehoods, so that the deceiver, however powerful and cunning he may be, will be unable to impose on me in the slightest degree. But this is an arduous undertaking, and a kind of laziness brings me back to normal life. I am like a prisoner who is enjoying an imaginary freedom while asleep; as he begins to suspect that he is asleep, he dreads being woken up, and goes along with the pleasant illusion as long as he can. In the same way, I happily slide back into my old opinions and dread being shaken out of them for fear that my peaceful sleep may be followed by hard labour when I wake, and that I shall have to toil not in the light, but amid the inextricable darkness of the problems I have now raised. **[[René Descartes]], ''[[Meditations on First Philosophy]]'' (1641) * It is nothing more than a moral prejudice that truth is worth more than semblance; it is, in fact, the worst proved supposition in the world. ... Why might not the world ''which concerns us⁠''—be a fiction? And to any one who suggested: "But to a fiction belongs an originator?"''⁠''—might it not be bluntly replied: ''why''? May not this "belong" also belong to the fiction? Is it not at length permitted to be a little ironical towards the subject, just as towards the predicate and object? Might not the philosopher elevate himself above faith in grammar? ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''[[Beyond Good and Evil]]'' (1886) II.34, Helen Zimmern translation (1906) *Doomsday, when it came, wouldn’t be a physical phenomenon; it would be an all-inclusive erasure of simulectronic circuits. **Daniel F. Galouye, ''Simulacron-3'' (1964) *I, all about me, every breath of air, every molecule in my universe— nothing but counterfeit reality. A simulated environment designed by some vaster world of absolute existence. ... How do we know that even the ''realest'' of realities wouldn’t be subjective, in the final analysis? Nobody can prove his existence, can he? **Daniel F. Galouye, ''Simulacron-3'' (1964) *What is real? How do you define real? If you’re talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. This is the world that you know. The world as it was at the end of the twentieth century. It exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Matrix. You’ve been living in a dream world, Neo. This is the world as it exists today. Welcome to the desert of the real. We have only bits and pieces of information but what we know for certain is that at some point in the early twenty-first century all of mankind was united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to AI. **Morpheus, ''[[The Matrix (film)|The Matrix]]'' (1999) *... the immensities of cyberspace will be teeming with very unhuman disembodied superminds, engaged in affairs of the future that are to human concerns as ours are to those of bacteria. But, once in a long while, humans do think of bacteria, even particular individual bacteria seen in particular microscopes. Similarly, a cyberbeing may occasionally bring to mind a human event of the distant past... The very moment we are now experiencing may actually be (almost certainly is) such a distributed mental event, and most likely is a complete fabrication that never happened physically. Alas, there is no way to sort it out from our perspective: we can only wallow in the scenery. **Hans Moravec, ''Pigs in Cyberspace'' (1993) * A technologically mature “posthuman” civilization would have enormous computing power. Based on this empirical fact, the simulation argument shows that ''at least one'' of the following propositions is true: (1) The fraction of human-level civilizations that reach a posthuman stage is very close to zero; (2) The fraction of posthuman civilizations that are interested in running ancestor-simulations is very close to zero; (3) The fraction of all people with our kind of experiences that are living in a simulation is very close to one. If (1) is true, then we will almost certainly go extinct before reaching posthumanity. If (2) is true, then there must be a strong convergence among the courses of advanced civilizations so that virtually none contains any relatively wealthy individuals who desire to run ancestor-simulations and are free to do so. If (3) is true, then we almost certainly live in a simulation. In the dark forest of our current ignorance, it seems sensible to apportion one’s credence roughly evenly between (1), (2), and (3). Unless we are now living in a simulation, our descendants will almost certainly never run an ancestor-simulation. ** [[Nick Bostrom]], ''Are You Living In a Computer Simulation?'' (2003) == External links == {{wikipedia}} nadqoly65b1z7po9736lxwf3mingkyg 3955164 3955162 2026-06-21T23:02:32Z Dronebogus 3078761 /* Quotes */ 3955164 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dschuang-Dsi-Schmetterlingstraum-Zhuangzi-Butterfly-Dream.jpg|thumb| Once Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly, a butterfly flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Zhuangzi. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakable Zhuangzi. But he didn't know if he was Zhuangzi who had dreamt he was a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he was Zhuangzi. —[[Zhuangzi]]]] The '''simulation hypothesis''' proposes that what one experiences as the world is actually a simulated reality, such as a computer simulation in which we ourselves are constructs. There has been much debate over this topic in the philosophical discourse, and regarding practical applications in computing. == Quotes == * Once Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly, a butterfly flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn't know he was Zhuangzi. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakable Zhuangzi. But he didn't know if he was Zhuangzi who had dreamt he was a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he was Zhuangzi. Between Zhuangzi and a butterfly there must be some distinction! This is called the Transformation of Things. ** [[Zhuangzi]], (2, tr. Burton Watson 1968:49) *I will suppose therefore that not God, who is supremely good and the source of truth, but rather some malicious demon of the utmost power and cunning has employed all his energies in order to deceive me. I shall think that the sky, the air, the earth, colours, shapes, sounds and all external things are merely the delusions of dreams which he has devised to ensnare my judgement. I shall consider myself as not having hands or eyes, or flesh, or blood or senses but as falsely believing that I have all these things. I shall stubbornly and firmly persist in this meditation; and, even if it is not in my power to know any truth, I shall at least do what is in my power, that is, resolutely guard against assenting to any falsehoods, so that the deceiver, however powerful and cunning he may be, will be unable to impose on me in the slightest degree. But this is an arduous undertaking, and a kind of laziness brings me back to normal life. I am like a prisoner who is enjoying an imaginary freedom while asleep; as he begins to suspect that he is asleep, he dreads being woken up, and goes along with the pleasant illusion as long as he can. In the same way, I happily slide back into my old opinions and dread being shaken out of them for fear that my peaceful sleep may be followed by hard labour when I wake, and that I shall have to toil not in the light, but amid the inextricable darkness of the problems I have now raised. **[[René Descartes]], ''[[Meditations on First Philosophy]]'' (1641) * It is nothing more than a moral prejudice that truth is worth more than semblance; it is, in fact, the worst proved supposition in the world. ... Why might not the world ''which concerns us⁠''—be a fiction? And to any one who suggested: "But to a fiction belongs an originator?"''⁠''—might it not be bluntly replied: ''why''? May not this "belong" also belong to the fiction? Is it not at length permitted to be a little ironical towards the subject, just as towards the predicate and object? Might not the philosopher elevate himself above faith in grammar? ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''[[Beyond Good and Evil]]'' (1886) II.34, Helen Zimmern translation (1906) *Doomsday, when it came, wouldn’t be a physical phenomenon; it would be an all-inclusive erasure of simulectronic circuits. **Daniel F. Galouye, ''Simulacron-3'' (1964) *I, all about me, every breath of air, every molecule in my universe— nothing but counterfeit reality. A simulated environment designed by some vaster world of absolute existence. ... How do we know that even the ''realest'' of realities wouldn’t be subjective, in the final analysis? Nobody can prove his existence, can he? **Daniel F. Galouye, ''Simulacron-3'' (1964) *What is real? How do you define real? If you’re talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. This is the world that you know. The world as it was at the end of the twentieth century. It exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Matrix. You’ve been living in a dream world, Neo. This is the world as it exists today. Welcome to the desert of the real. We have only bits and pieces of information but what we know for certain is that at some point in the early twenty-first century all of mankind was united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to AI. **Morpheus, ''[[The Matrix (film)|The Matrix]]'' (1999) *... the immensities of cyberspace will be teeming with very unhuman disembodied superminds, engaged in affairs of the future that are to human concerns as ours are to those of bacteria. But, once in a long while, humans do think of bacteria, even particular individual bacteria seen in particular microscopes. Similarly, a cyberbeing may occasionally bring to mind a human event of the distant past... The very moment we are now experiencing may actually be (almost certainly is) such a distributed mental event, and most likely is a complete fabrication that never happened physically. Alas, there is no way to sort it out from our perspective: we can only wallow in the scenery. **Hans Moravec, ''Pigs in Cyberspace'' (1993) * A technologically mature “[[Transhumanism|posthuman]]” civilization would have enormous computing power. Based on this empirical fact, the simulation argument shows that ''at least one'' of the following propositions is true: (1) The fraction of human-level civilizations that reach a posthuman stage is very close to zero; (2) The fraction of posthuman civilizations that are interested in running ancestor-simulations is very close to zero; (3) The fraction of all people with our kind of experiences that are living in a simulation is very close to one. If (1) is true, then we will almost certainly go extinct before reaching posthumanity. If (2) is true, then there must be a strong convergence among the courses of advanced civilizations so that virtually none contains any relatively wealthy individuals who desire to run ancestor-simulations and are free to do so. If (3) is true, then we almost certainly live in a simulation. In the dark forest of our current ignorance, it seems sensible to apportion one’s credence roughly evenly between (1), (2), and (3). Unless we are now living in a simulation, our descendants will almost certainly never run an ancestor-simulation. ** [[Nick Bostrom]], ''Are You Living In a Computer Simulation?'' (2003) == External links == {{wikipedia}} dgl7tfkcyzzyja4m1oqagukjq9rlh9y 0 295319 3955147 3946853 2026-06-21T21:38:38Z Prajiiit 3325402 /* */ updated 3955147 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ipsita and deepta.JPG|thumb|Deepta with her mother- [[Ipsita Roy Chakraverti]]]] '''Deepta Roy Chakraverti''' is an Indian author, lawyer, wiccan, and the daughter of Wiccan priestess [[Ipsita Roy Chakraverti]], a descendant of [[Keshub Chunder Sen]]. She is also a descendant of Poetess [[w:Kamini Roy|Kamini Roy]], and first female Fellow of the Royal Faculty of Physicians and Surgeons of Glasgow, Dr. [[w:Jamini Sen|Jamini Sen]]. ==Quotes== *I started imbibing the Wiccan tradition from my mother Ipsita from the time I was a child. It teaches one to live with strength, dignity and a sense of oneness with something greater than ourselves. Pagans of old would have identified it with elemental worship. Ipsita taught us to have an open mind, to understand the mystical, and the scientific, and many sides of every phenomenon. This Wiccan perspective, which I have seen from childhood, shows science and mysticism have no quarrel. Ipsita’s teaching has also spoken of how, like many ancient traditions of the world, physical death is not the end. **'''Source:''' Deepta and [https://www.newindianexpress.com/lifestyle/books/2015/Jun/27/interview-deepta-roy-chakraverti-775596.html The Indian Express] *The world of spirits is very much a part of daily life. It is not something I switch on-off. And perhaps a sensitivity to them is inbuilt; an inherent part of me. Like my Wiccan training. That is why being a psychic investigator is not something which is to take on or take off. And that is also why it does not strike me as being something separate, or different which would collide with any aspect of my life. **'''Source:''' Deepta to Rediff, Contributor Chandrima Pal. *Why should there be fear? There should be an overcoming of fear. A desire to quest, go forward, a zest for adventure and a desire to delve into the unknown. **'''Source:''' [https://www.thehindu.com/features/metroplus/bhangarh-to-bedlams-author-deepta-roy-interview/article7512905.ece The Hindu] Interview with Chakraverti *Spirits have stories to tell. One must know how to listen. **'''Source:''' [https://thegoodbookcorner.com/2015/06/27/bhangarh-to-bedlam-by-deepta-roy-chakraverti/ Bhangarh to Bedlam authored by D.R. Chakraverti.] *Wicca does not believe in allowing its followers to become mushpots. It stands for dignity and strength. If you lose your own will to another, then you belong nowhere. Least of all to Wicca. Wicca is of the Goddess, of Kali and Diana; true ‘witches’ are those who break barriers and defy a male dominated society. **'''Source:''' [https://thewiccanbrigade.com/Columns.html The Wiccan Brigade] ==External links== * [https://thewiccanbrigade.com Official website]- The Wiccan Brigade {{DEFAULTSORT:Chakraverti, Deepta Roy}} [[Category:Lawyers from India]] [[Category:Women authors from India]] [[Category:Living people]] am6tjlutsbk89aflzkmbzxyig90959x 0 302776 3955280 3955038 2026-06-22T11:24:10Z Philip Cross 7192 disqualified from office because of his return to Westminster rather than formally resigning 3955280 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:First Minister meets Andy Burnham (53133290017) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Burnham in 2023]] '''[[w:Andy Burnham|Andy Burnham]]''' (born 7 January 1970) is a British politician who has served as the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom) (MP)|Member of Parliament]] for [[w:Makerfield (constituency)|Makerfield]] since June 2026. He was previously the MP for [[w:Leigh (UK Parliament constituency)|Leigh]] from 2001 to 2017, during which period he was [[w:Chief Secretary to the Treasury|Chief Secretary to the Treasury]] (2007-2008), [[w:Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport|Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport]] (2008-2009) and [[w:Secretary of State for Health and Social Care|Secretary of State for Health]] (2009-2010). From 2017 2026, he served as [[w:Mayor of Greater Manchester|Mayor of Greater Manchester]]. == Quotes == [[File:DIG15351-008 (54378864093).jpg|thumb|I want Labour solidly to be the party of working class people]] * First, a police force which has consistently put protecting itself above protecting people harmed by [[w:Hillsborough disaster|Hillsborough]]. Second, collusion between that force and complicit print media. Third, a flawed judicial system that gives the upper hand to those in authority over and above ordinary people. Shamefully, the cover-up continued in this Warrington courtroom. Millions of pounds of public money were spent re-telling discredited lies. **[https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/andy-burnhams-11-minute-speech-11252538 Commons silent – and drew a round of applause] (27 Apr 2016) *What we've seen today is a deliberate act of levelling down. I don't believe we can proceed through this pandemic by grinding people down. We need to carry them with us, not crush their spirit. **[https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/andy-burnham-accuses-government-levelling-18999005 Andy Burnham accuses government of "levelling down" the north and releasing the national lockdown "too early"] "King of the North" Speech, ''Manchester Evening News'' (25 Sep 2020) * Long term, I’m going to be honest, I'm going to say it, I want to rejoin it. Look, I hope in my lifetime I see this country rejoin the [[European Union]]. ** Quoted in [https://inews.co.uk/opinion/starmer-still-survive-pm-heres-how-4423854 "Starmer can still survive as PM. Here’s how"], ''iNews'' (quote from Autumn 2025) === 2026 === [[File:Keir Starmer and Andy Burnham (55204794065).jpg|thumb|This is now the change moment]] *[on seeking permission to stand as an MP in 2026] It brings with it a poison we should not let enter our city-region. I see this by-election as the frontline of that fight for the Manchester Way and feel I owe it to a city which has given me so much to lead it from the front, despite the risks involved. With your permission to stand, I would run a hopeful and unifying campaign with broad appeal to voters, focusing on the positivity around what we have achieved, whilst at the same time being honest about the alienation people feel from politics. **[https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/breaking-andy-burnham-quit-mayor-36608109 Andy Burnham to QUIT as Mayor to stand in bombshell by-election], ''Mirror'' (24 Jan 2026) * I want [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour]] solidly to be the party of [[working class]] people and working class communities and that requires a lot of change. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cdrz8gr7kd6t "Burnham says he's running for selection in Makerfield by-election to 'save Labour'"], ''BBC News'' (16 May 2026) * My view is [[Brexit]] has been damaging, but the last thing we should do is revisit these arguments. I’m not proposing the UK [should] rejoin the EU. I respect the referendum. ** Quoted in [https://inews.co.uk/opinion/starmer-still-survive-pm-heres-how-4423854 "Starmer can still survive as PM. Here’s how"], ''iNews'' (19 May 2026) * We've been on a path for 40 years that simply hasn't worked...this is now the change moment ** Quoted after his {{w|2026 Makerfield by-election}} victory in: [https://news.sky.com/video/this-is-the-change-moment-andy-burnham-holds-rally-following-makerfield-by-election-win-13555747 "'This is the change moment': Andy Burnham holds rally following Makerfield by-election win"], ''Sky News'' (19 June 2026 ) == Quotes about Burnham == *<p>Yesterday Andy Burnham sought such permission from the NEC to stand in the Gorton and Denton parliamentary by-election, which would have led to a mayoral by-election in Greater Manchester.</p><p>The [[w:National Executive Committee of the Labour Party (UK)|NEC]] has decided not to grant Andy Burnham permission to stand. The NEC believes that causing an unnecessary election for the position of Greater Manchester mayor would have a substantial and disproportionate impact on party campaign resources before the local elections and elections to the Scottish Parliament and Welsh Senedd in May</p><p>Although the party would be confident of retaining the mayoralty, the NEC could not put Labour’s control of Greater Manchester at any risk</p><p>'''Andy Burnham is doing a great job as mayor of Greater Manchester. We believe it is in the best interests of the party to avoid an unnecessary mayoral election.'''</p> **[https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/labours-national-executive-committee-statement-33298108 "Labour Party confirms reason Andy Burnham blocked from standing in by-election"], ''Manchester Evening News'' (25 January 2026). == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Commons cat|Andrew Burnham}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Burnham, Andy}} [[Category:1970 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Politicians from England]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Mayors from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Catholics from England]] [[Category:People from Liverpool]] a8jfzn8icaykuiyyob2x6q3kwnj0j1q 3955281 3955280 2026-06-22T11:24:51Z Philip Cross 7192 ce 3955281 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:First Minister meets Andy Burnham (53133290017) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Burnham in 2023]] '''[[w:Andy Burnham|Andy Burnham]]''' (born 7 January 1970) is a British politician who has served as the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom) (MP)|Member of Parliament]] for [[w:Makerfield (constituency)|Makerfield]] since June 2026. He was previously the MP for [[w:Leigh (UK Parliament constituency)|Leigh]] from 2001 to 2017, during which period he was [[w:Chief Secretary to the Treasury|Chief Secretary to the Treasury]] (2007-2008), [[w:Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport|Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport]] (2008-2009) and [[w:Secretary of State for Health and Social Care|Secretary of State for Health]] (2009-2010). From 2017 to 2026, he served as [[w:Mayor of Greater Manchester|Mayor of Greater Manchester]]. == Quotes == [[File:DIG15351-008 (54378864093).jpg|thumb|I want Labour solidly to be the party of working class people]] * First, a police force which has consistently put protecting itself above protecting people harmed by [[w:Hillsborough disaster|Hillsborough]]. Second, collusion between that force and complicit print media. Third, a flawed judicial system that gives the upper hand to those in authority over and above ordinary people. Shamefully, the cover-up continued in this Warrington courtroom. Millions of pounds of public money were spent re-telling discredited lies. **[https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/andy-burnhams-11-minute-speech-11252538 Commons silent – and drew a round of applause] (27 Apr 2016) *What we've seen today is a deliberate act of levelling down. I don't believe we can proceed through this pandemic by grinding people down. We need to carry them with us, not crush their spirit. **[https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/andy-burnham-accuses-government-levelling-18999005 Andy Burnham accuses government of "levelling down" the north and releasing the national lockdown "too early"] "King of the North" Speech, ''Manchester Evening News'' (25 Sep 2020) * Long term, I’m going to be honest, I'm going to say it, I want to rejoin it. Look, I hope in my lifetime I see this country rejoin the [[European Union]]. ** Quoted in [https://inews.co.uk/opinion/starmer-still-survive-pm-heres-how-4423854 "Starmer can still survive as PM. Here’s how"], ''iNews'' (quote from Autumn 2025) === 2026 === [[File:Keir Starmer and Andy Burnham (55204794065).jpg|thumb|This is now the change moment]] *[on seeking permission to stand as an MP in 2026] It brings with it a poison we should not let enter our city-region. I see this by-election as the frontline of that fight for the Manchester Way and feel I owe it to a city which has given me so much to lead it from the front, despite the risks involved. With your permission to stand, I would run a hopeful and unifying campaign with broad appeal to voters, focusing on the positivity around what we have achieved, whilst at the same time being honest about the alienation people feel from politics. **[https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/breaking-andy-burnham-quit-mayor-36608109 Andy Burnham to QUIT as Mayor to stand in bombshell by-election], ''Mirror'' (24 Jan 2026) * I want [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour]] solidly to be the party of [[working class]] people and working class communities and that requires a lot of change. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cdrz8gr7kd6t "Burnham says he's running for selection in Makerfield by-election to 'save Labour'"], ''BBC News'' (16 May 2026) * My view is [[Brexit]] has been damaging, but the last thing we should do is revisit these arguments. I’m not proposing the UK [should] rejoin the EU. I respect the referendum. ** Quoted in [https://inews.co.uk/opinion/starmer-still-survive-pm-heres-how-4423854 "Starmer can still survive as PM. Here’s how"], ''iNews'' (19 May 2026) * We've been on a path for 40 years that simply hasn't worked...this is now the change moment ** Quoted after his {{w|2026 Makerfield by-election}} victory in: [https://news.sky.com/video/this-is-the-change-moment-andy-burnham-holds-rally-following-makerfield-by-election-win-13555747 "'This is the change moment': Andy Burnham holds rally following Makerfield by-election win"], ''Sky News'' (19 June 2026 ) == Quotes about Burnham == *<p>Yesterday Andy Burnham sought such permission from the NEC to stand in the Gorton and Denton parliamentary by-election, which would have led to a mayoral by-election in Greater Manchester.</p><p>The [[w:National Executive Committee of the Labour Party (UK)|NEC]] has decided not to grant Andy Burnham permission to stand. The NEC believes that causing an unnecessary election for the position of Greater Manchester mayor would have a substantial and disproportionate impact on party campaign resources before the local elections and elections to the Scottish Parliament and Welsh Senedd in May</p><p>Although the party would be confident of retaining the mayoralty, the NEC could not put Labour’s control of Greater Manchester at any risk</p><p>'''Andy Burnham is doing a great job as mayor of Greater Manchester. We believe it is in the best interests of the party to avoid an unnecessary mayoral election.'''</p> **[https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/labours-national-executive-committee-statement-33298108 "Labour Party confirms reason Andy Burnham blocked from standing in by-election"], ''Manchester Evening News'' (25 January 2026). == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Commons cat|Andrew Burnham}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Burnham, Andy}} [[Category:1970 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Politicians from England]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Mayors from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Catholics from England]] [[Category:People from Liverpool]] 96momtaajndxo77vvzodbnfebkyhqer 0 304284 3955088 3955045 2026-06-21T16:10:46Z IOHANNVSVERVS 2147914 /* Quotes */ format 3955088 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Painting of Shotetsu by Sakai Hoitsu.jpg|thumb|All these images<br>from a world of long ago—<br>of what good are they?<br>Pine winds, come—please blow away<br>these unforgotten dreams.]] '''[[w:Shotetsu|Shotetsu]]''' ({{lang|ja|正徹}}; 1381–1459) was a Japanese [[poet]] during the [[w:Muromachi period|Muromachi period]]. He is considered to have been the last poet in the courtly [[w:waka (poetry)|waka]] tradition and a number of his disciples were important in the development of the [[w:renga|renga]] art form, which led to the [[w:haikua|haiku]]. ==Quotes== * As if to say—<br>"Isn't it true for men, as well:<br>that the more the words,<br>the less they are of value?"—<br>the cuckoo does not call again. ** "One Call from a Cuckoo", ''Unforgotten Dreams: Poems by the Zen Monk Shōtetsu'', 1997, edited and translated by Steven D. Carter, page 52 * When I
 look upon
<br>the rich sheen
 of summer hairs
<br>in my new brush,
<br>I am saddened
 by a deer<br>drawn
 at night
 to a hunter's torch. ** "Summer Writing Brush", ''Unforgotten Dreams: Poems by the Zen Monk Shōtetsu'', 1997, edited and translated by Steven D. Carter, page 53 * I had forgotten—<br>as I kept on forgetting<br>to remind myself<br>that those who vow to forget<br>are the ones who can't forget. ** "Forgotten Love", ''Unforgotten Dreams: Poems by the Zen Monk Shōtetsu'', 1997, edited and translated by Steven D. Carter, page 176 * All these images<br>from a world of long ago—<br>of what good are they?<br>Pine winds, come—please blow away<br>these unforgotten dreams. ** "Reminiscing", ''Unforgotten Dreams: Poems by the Zen Monk Shōtetsu'', 1997, edited and translated by Steven D. Carter, page 31 * Even in one’s sleep,<br>it is dreams of this world one sees,<br>and of no other;<br>just as there is no dawning here<br>that brings true awakening. ** "Dream", ''Unforgotten Dreams: Poems by the Zen Monk Shōtetsu'', 1997, edited and translated by Steven D. Carter, page 34 * How cruel the voice<br>that bars me from traveling<br>the way of dreams.<br>Not a man, but still a gate guard<br>is that wind in the reeds. ** "Dream Disturbed by Reeds", ''Unforgotten Dreams: Poems by the Zen Monk Shōtetsu'', 1997, edited and translated by Steven D. Carter, page 30 * If one continues to compose poems of the sort that everyone else considers good, one must remain forever at that ordinary level. On the other hand, when one writes poems whose essence is profound and difficult, others fail to understand them, and this is frustrating. ** As quoted in ''Conversations with Shotetsu (Shotetsu Monogatari)'', 1992, Translated by Robert H. Bower * In this art of poetry, those who speak ill of [[Fujiwara no Teika|Teika]] should be denied the protection of the gods and Buddhas and condemned to the punishments of hell. ** As quoted in ''Conversations with Shotetsu (Shotetsu Monogatari)'', 1992, Translated by Robert H. Bower ==Quotes about== * The annals of Japanese literary history abound with stories of suffering literati. [...] None of these, however, seems to have borne more grief than the Zen monk Shotetsu (1381-1459), [...] For Shotetsu was not once but thrice stricken: first, by the loss of all of the poems of his first thirty years—more than 30,000 of them—in a fire that destroyed his residence in 1432, at the age of fifty-two; second, by the confiscation of his estate revenues by an angry shogun at around the same time; and lastly by the refusal of his rivals to allow him any representation whatsoever in the only imperially commissioned poetic anthology of his time, the ''[[w:Shinshokukokin Wakashū|Shin shokuko-kinshū]]'' of 1439. ** Steven D. Carter, ''Unforgotten Dreams: Poems by the Zen Monk Shōtetsu'', 1997 ==See also== * [[Saigyo]] * [[Basho]] * [[Kobayashi Issa]] * [[Yosa Buson]] * [[Fujiwara no Teika]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Poets from Japan]] [[Category:Buddhists from Japan]] [[Category:1381 births]] [[Category:1459 deaths]] 1ao5ivixjma40o2i1ymxghvymip02y7 0 304393 3955213 3954980 2026-06-22T04:38:22Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 3955213 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein (Season 1, Episode 5) **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage (Season 3, Episode 2) **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot (Season 4, Episode 1) **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''Intelligence is a wonderful thing... The control and restraint shown--''' **Source: eDork (Season 3, Episode 5) *'''NOOOO!!!!''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Was completely killed with a chainsaw. *'''This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!''' **Source: Vampires ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 6) *Notes: Shake was mauled by bears. *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 9) **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Woah! You do have molecular transporters! Downloadable switchblades! That's a new feat-OH NO!''' **Source: Boost Mobile (Season 4, Episode 2) **Notes: TBA *'''Hell no! Let's see the Marines try to take me like this!''' **Source: Marines (Season 5, Episode 9) **Notes: The death is not canon, Shake shot himself with a gun, and his head is reassembled in another scene. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time (Season 4, Episode 6) **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 6) **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl (Season 3, Episode 13) **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo (Season 7, Episode 8) **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell. *'''Oh, hey man. Whoa. AHHHH!!!''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Frylock and Carl. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 3) **Notes: Shake went inside the Hairy Bus, and then he is being slowly dissolved by the Bus' digestive juices, already enough his facial muscles are exposed, Frylock then sticks a stick of dynamite in the Hairy Bus' exhaust pipe/anal cavity and lights it, the dynamite explodes, blowing the Hairy Bus to bits and killing it and Shake. *'''No, it's not. See, I told you.''' **Source: Big Bro ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 1) **Notes: This death is non-canon, Shake sticked a shotgun up in his mouth and kills himself, then revived in another scene. *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE FOREVER!!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever TOLD ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Carl, who has secretly been working with Napkin Lad the whole time, betrays Frylock. During the chase, Carl's car and the Aqua Teens' cart both turn into submarines. Meatwad manages to bail out of their submarine just in time, leaving Frylock trapped inside as it violently crashes into a coral reef, killing him instantly. *'''Alright. No, wait! The gas leak!''' **Source: Reedickyoulous (Season 5, Episode 5) **Notes: TBD *'''Here's the kickball, who's your friend?''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Shake and Frylock. *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters (Season 4, Episode 8) **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''My water broke.''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Notes: TBD *'''I call my first cigarette.''' **Source: Reedickyoulous (Season 5, Episode 5) **Notes: TBD ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake (Season 2, Episode 1) **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling (Season 4, Episode 7) **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing (Season 2, Episode 21) **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Hey Nug, you gonna sign my arrow?''' ['''Ted Nugent''': Don't move man.] '''I got a Cat Scratch Fever loincloth I still wear on laundry night.''' ['''Ted Nugent''': I'm tellin' ya, don't move!] '''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five (Season 6, Episode 7) **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Okay, That wasn't so bad. Where's the friggin' flush on this thing? Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 10) **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car (Season 2, Episode 17) **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. *'''No, leave her! She's too young for you-- GAH!!''' **Source: eDork (Season 3, Episode 5) *'''Uh, whatever it is you're about to do. Can we do it at the commercial break?''' ''[Creditor growls]'' '''All right, danke schoen, right? Isn't that what you're speaking, Kraut? Uh, wait! I don't know German!''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Shake and Frylock. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Oh, light it, quick.''' **Who: D.P. **Source: Frat Aliens (Season 2, Episode 19) **Notes: TBA *'''And that’s why I said you could not buy the roller skates. Hey, what happened to the window?''' **Who: Oglethorpe (Season 2, Episode 19) **Source: Frat Aliens **Notes: Oglethorpe and Emory are flung out of space. *'''Oobie doobie.''' **Who: Cybernetic Ghost, Zucotti Manicotti and Mothmonsterman **Notes: Three characters say their last words before getting gunned down by the police. Zucotti Manicotti dies along with the human hand that plays the puppet, Cybernetic Ghost's head explodes, and Mothmonsterman dies. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''Ooh! The beast is in the heat! It's stooping me all over my crevices!''' **Who: Oglethorpe *'''Shhh... it's okay, it's okay, cause tonight, it's you.''' **Who: Hand Banana **Notes: Two characters say their last words before Oglethorpe dies and gets decapitated with blood coming out and Hand Banana while he rapes him dies as well, Emory watches in shock. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while the other ATHF villians including Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''I got to go.''' **Who: Freda **Source: Freda ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 7) **Notes: Freda commits suicide by jumping into the highway, being ran over by multiple vehicles. She later appears in the [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] opening and credits. *'''My party! My precious party! No!''' **Who: Markula **Source: Coupless Skate (Season 5, Episode 4) **Notes: Accidentally dissolved by Carl with champagne. *'''Uhh, Braveheart? Hello?''' **Who: Happy Time Harry **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Notes: TBA *'''Shake, No!''' **Who: Ol' Drippy **Source: Ol' Drippy (Season 1, Episode 7) *'''Ah yes, but you've mentioned that in the past, and yet your father, hated hunting. Don't do this, I thought we were past this.''' **Who: Shake's Therapist **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: TBA *'''Birds, huh? That's different, at least.''' **Who: Christopher Lambert **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Christopher Lambert, the actor of Highlander, was turned into five birds by Unbelievable Ron. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] m8z6tew6c0sryz7mxfur6w86ucc0ph8 3955216 3955213 2026-06-22T04:40:23Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 /* Master Shake */ 3955216 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein (Season 1, Episode 5) **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage (Season 3, Episode 2) **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot (Season 4, Episode 1) **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''Intelligence is a wonderful thing... The control and restraint shown--''' **Source: eDork (Season 3, Episode 5) *'''NOOOO!!!!''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Was completely killed with a chainsaw horizontally by Terry. *'''This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!''' **Source: Vampires ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 6) **Notes: Shake was mauled by bears after he calls them a bad name. *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 9) **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Woah! You do have molecular transporters! Downloadable switchblades! That's a new feat-OH NO!''' **Source: Boost Mobile (Season 4, Episode 2) **Notes: The boost mobile phones tackle at Shake to kill him. *'''Hell no! Let's see the Marines try to take me like this!''' **Source: Marines (Season 5, Episode 9) **Notes: The death is not canon, Shake shot himself with a gun, and his head is reassembled in another scene. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time (Season 4, Episode 6) **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 6) **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl (Season 3, Episode 13) **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen after turning into a cow. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo (Season 7, Episode 8) **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell, until his skull is crushed with a concrete slab. *'''Oh, hey man. Whoa. AHHHH!!!''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Frylock and Carl. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 3) **Notes: Shake went inside the Hairy Bus, and then he is being slowly dissolved by the Bus' digestive juices, already enough his facial muscles are exposed, Frylock then sticks a stick of dynamite in the Hairy Bus' exhaust pipe/anal cavity and lights it, the dynamite explodes, blowing the Hairy Bus to bits and killing it and Shake. *'''No, it's not. See, I told you.''' **Source: Big Bro ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 1) **Notes: This death is non-canon, Shake sticked a shotgun up in his mouth and kills himself, then revived in another scene. *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE FOREVER!!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever TOLD ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Carl, who has secretly been working with Napkin Lad the whole time, betrays Frylock. During the chase, Carl's car and the Aqua Teens' cart both turn into submarines. Meatwad manages to bail out of their submarine just in time, leaving Frylock trapped inside as it violently crashes into a coral reef, killing him instantly. *'''Alright. No, wait! The gas leak!''' **Source: Reedickyoulous (Season 5, Episode 5) **Notes: TBD *'''Here's the kickball, who's your friend?''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Shake and Frylock. *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters (Season 4, Episode 8) **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''My water broke.''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Notes: TBD *'''I call my first cigarette.''' **Source: Reedickyoulous (Season 5, Episode 5) **Notes: TBD ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake (Season 2, Episode 1) **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling (Season 4, Episode 7) **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing (Season 2, Episode 21) **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Hey Nug, you gonna sign my arrow?''' ['''Ted Nugent''': Don't move man.] '''I got a Cat Scratch Fever loincloth I still wear on laundry night.''' ['''Ted Nugent''': I'm tellin' ya, don't move!] '''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five (Season 6, Episode 7) **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Okay, That wasn't so bad. Where's the friggin' flush on this thing? Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 10) **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car (Season 2, Episode 17) **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. *'''No, leave her! She's too young for you-- GAH!!''' **Source: eDork (Season 3, Episode 5) *'''Uh, whatever it is you're about to do. Can we do it at the commercial break?''' ''[Creditor growls]'' '''All right, danke schoen, right? Isn't that what you're speaking, Kraut? Uh, wait! I don't know German!''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Shake and Frylock. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Oh, light it, quick.''' **Who: D.P. **Source: Frat Aliens (Season 2, Episode 19) **Notes: TBA *'''And that’s why I said you could not buy the roller skates. Hey, what happened to the window?''' **Who: Oglethorpe (Season 2, Episode 19) **Source: Frat Aliens **Notes: Oglethorpe and Emory are flung out of space. *'''Oobie doobie.''' **Who: Cybernetic Ghost, Zucotti Manicotti and Mothmonsterman **Notes: Three characters say their last words before getting gunned down by the police. Zucotti Manicotti dies along with the human hand that plays the puppet, Cybernetic Ghost's head explodes, and Mothmonsterman dies. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''Ooh! The beast is in the heat! It's stooping me all over my crevices!''' **Who: Oglethorpe *'''Shhh... it's okay, it's okay, cause tonight, it's you.''' **Who: Hand Banana **Notes: Two characters say their last words before Oglethorpe dies and gets decapitated with blood coming out and Hand Banana while he rapes him dies as well, Emory watches in shock. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while the other ATHF villians including Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''I got to go.''' **Who: Freda **Source: Freda ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 7) **Notes: Freda commits suicide by jumping into the highway, being ran over by multiple vehicles. She later appears in the [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] opening and credits. *'''My party! My precious party! No!''' **Who: Markula **Source: Coupless Skate (Season 5, Episode 4) **Notes: Accidentally dissolved by Carl with champagne. *'''Uhh, Braveheart? Hello?''' **Who: Happy Time Harry **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Notes: TBA *'''Shake, No!''' **Who: Ol' Drippy **Source: Ol' Drippy (Season 1, Episode 7) *'''Ah yes, but you've mentioned that in the past, and yet your father, hated hunting. Don't do this, I thought we were past this.''' **Who: Shake's Therapist **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: TBA *'''Birds, huh? That's different, at least.''' **Who: Christopher Lambert **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Christopher Lambert, the actor of Highlander, was turned into five birds by Unbelievable Ron. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] iikokzkah69a8nrsi9q1s55yr2w6634 3955217 3955216 2026-06-22T04:44:00Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 3955217 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein (Season 1, Episode 5) **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage (Season 3, Episode 2) **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot (Season 4, Episode 1) **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''Intelligence is a wonderful thing... The control and restraint shown--''' **Source: eDork (Season 3, Episode 5) *'''NOOOO!!!!''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Was completely killed with a chainsaw horizontally by Terry. *'''This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!''' **Source: Vampires ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 6) **Notes: Shake was mauled by bears after he calls them a bad name. *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 9) **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Woah! You do have molecular transporters! Downloadable switchblades! That's a new feat-OH NO!''' **Source: Boost Mobile (Season 4, Episode 2) **Notes: The boost mobile phones tackle at Shake to kill him. *'''Hell no! Let's see the Marines try to take me like this!''' **Source: Marines (Season 5, Episode 9) **Notes: The death is not canon, Shake shot himself with a gun, and his head is reassembled in another scene. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time (Season 4, Episode 6) **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 6) **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl (Season 3, Episode 13) **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen after turning into a cow. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo (Season 7, Episode 8) **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell, until his skull is crushed with a concrete slab. *'''Oh, hey man. Whoa. AHHHH!!!''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Frylock and Carl. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 3) **Notes: Shake went inside the Hairy Bus, and then he is being slowly dissolved by the Bus' digestive juices, already enough his facial muscles are exposed, Frylock then sticks a stick of dynamite in the Hairy Bus' exhaust pipe/anal cavity and lights it, the dynamite explodes, blowing the Hairy Bus to bits and killing it and Shake. *'''No, it's not. See, I told you.''' **Source: Big Bro ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 1) **Notes: This death is non-canon, Shake sticked a shotgun up in his mouth and kills himself, then revived in another scene. *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE FOREVER!!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever TOLD ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Carl, who has secretly been working with Napkin Lad the whole time, betrays Frylock. During the chase, Carl's car and the Aqua Teens' cart both turn into submarines. Meatwad manages to bail out of their submarine just in time, leaving Frylock trapped inside as it violently crashes into a coral reef, killing him instantly. *'''Alright. No, wait! The gas leak!''' **Source: Reedickyoulous (Season 5, Episode 5) **Notes: TBD *'''Here's the kickball, who's your friend?''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Shake and Frylock. *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters (Season 4, Episode 8) **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''My water broke.''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Notes: TBD *'''I call my first cigarette.''' **Source: Reedickyoulous (Season 5, Episode 5) **Notes: TBD ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake (Season 2, Episode 1) **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling (Season 4, Episode 7) **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing (Season 2, Episode 21) **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Hey Nug, you gonna sign my arrow?''' ['''Ted Nugent''': Don't move man.] '''I got a Cat Scratch Fever loincloth I still wear on laundry night.''' ['''Ted Nugent''': I'm tellin' ya, don't move!] '''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five (Season 6, Episode 7) **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Okay, That wasn't so bad. Where's the friggin' flush on this thing? Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Awfully quiet over there... at the maniac ranch. Maybe they got monoxide poisoning. You know, maybe I should check. Make sure it happened. Ah, I'm talking to myself again. Stay clear of "rocket blast"? What the hell does that mean? Meh, I'm sure it's nothing. Why's my pool... why's my pool moving?! I JUST SKIMMED ALL THE PUBES OUT OF HERE!''' **Source: Banana Planet ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 4) **Notes: TBA *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 10) **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car (Season 2, Episode 17) **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. *'''No, leave her! She's too young for you-- GAH!!''' **Source: eDork (Season 3, Episode 5) *'''Uh, whatever it is you're about to do. Can we do it at the commercial break?''' ''[Creditor growls]'' '''All right, danke schoen, right? Isn't that what you're speaking, Kraut? Uh, wait! I don't know German!''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Shake and Frylock. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Oh, light it, quick.''' **Who: D.P. **Source: Frat Aliens (Season 2, Episode 19) **Notes: TBA *'''And that’s why I said you could not buy the roller skates. Hey, what happened to the window?''' **Who: Oglethorpe (Season 2, Episode 19) **Source: Frat Aliens **Notes: Oglethorpe and Emory are flung out of space. *'''Oobie doobie.''' **Who: Cybernetic Ghost, Zucotti Manicotti and Mothmonsterman **Notes: Three characters say their last words before getting gunned down by the police. Zucotti Manicotti dies along with the human hand that plays the puppet, Cybernetic Ghost's head explodes, and Mothmonsterman dies. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''Ooh! The beast is in the heat! It's stooping me all over my crevices!''' **Who: Oglethorpe *'''Shhh... it's okay, it's okay, cause tonight, it's you.''' **Who: Hand Banana **Notes: Two characters say their last words before Oglethorpe dies and gets decapitated with blood coming out and Hand Banana while he rapes him dies as well, Emory watches in shock. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while the other ATHF villians including Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''I got to go.''' **Who: Freda **Source: Freda ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 7) **Notes: Freda commits suicide by jumping into the highway, being ran over by multiple vehicles. She later appears in the [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] opening and credits. *'''My party! My precious party! No!''' **Who: Markula **Source: Coupless Skate (Season 5, Episode 4) **Notes: Accidentally dissolved by Carl with champagne. *'''Uhh, Braveheart? Hello?''' **Who: Happy Time Harry **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Notes: TBA *'''Shake, No!''' **Who: Ol' Drippy **Source: Ol' Drippy (Season 1, Episode 7) **Notes: TBA *'''When I get a chance...''' **Who: Shake's muscles **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Shake's Muscles are dissolved when Shake becomes fattened up into a cow. *'''Ah yes, but you've mentioned that in the past, and yet your father, hated hunting. Don't do this, I thought we were past this.''' **Who: Shake's Therapist **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: TBA *'''Birds, huh? That's different, at least.''' **Who: Christopher Lambert **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Christopher Lambert, the actor of Highlander, was turned into five birds by Unbelievable Ron. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] 2dtkekzk4ro86j22s7f1f24l56b05dp 3955219 3955217 2026-06-22T04:45:48Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 /* Carl */ The South Bronx Paradise Diet is Episode 9 of Season 3, not 10. Dusty Gozongas was episode 10 of the third season. 3955219 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein (Season 1, Episode 5) **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage (Season 3, Episode 2) **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot (Season 4, Episode 1) **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''Intelligence is a wonderful thing... The control and restraint shown--''' **Source: eDork (Season 3, Episode 5) *'''NOOOO!!!!''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Was completely killed with a chainsaw horizontally by Terry. *'''This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!''' **Source: Vampires ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 6) **Notes: Shake was mauled by bears after he calls them a bad name. *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 9) **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Woah! You do have molecular transporters! Downloadable switchblades! That's a new feat-OH NO!''' **Source: Boost Mobile (Season 4, Episode 2) **Notes: The boost mobile phones tackle at Shake to kill him. *'''Hell no! Let's see the Marines try to take me like this!''' **Source: Marines (Season 5, Episode 9) **Notes: The death is not canon, Shake shot himself with a gun, and his head is reassembled in another scene. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time (Season 4, Episode 6) **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 6) **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl (Season 3, Episode 13) **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen after turning into a cow. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo (Season 7, Episode 8) **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell, until his skull is crushed with a concrete slab. *'''Oh, hey man. Whoa. AHHHH!!!''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Frylock and Carl. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 3) **Notes: Shake went inside the Hairy Bus, and then he is being slowly dissolved by the Bus' digestive juices, already enough his facial muscles are exposed, Frylock then sticks a stick of dynamite in the Hairy Bus' exhaust pipe/anal cavity and lights it, the dynamite explodes, blowing the Hairy Bus to bits and killing it and Shake. *'''No, it's not. See, I told you.''' **Source: Big Bro ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 1) **Notes: This death is non-canon, Shake sticked a shotgun up in his mouth and kills himself, then revived in another scene. *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE FOREVER!!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever TOLD ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Carl, who has secretly been working with Napkin Lad the whole time, betrays Frylock. During the chase, Carl's car and the Aqua Teens' cart both turn into submarines. Meatwad manages to bail out of their submarine just in time, leaving Frylock trapped inside as it violently crashes into a coral reef, killing him instantly. *'''Alright. No, wait! The gas leak!''' **Source: Reedickyoulous (Season 5, Episode 5) **Notes: TBD *'''Here's the kickball, who's your friend?''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Shake and Frylock. *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters (Season 4, Episode 8) **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''My water broke.''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Notes: TBD *'''I call my first cigarette.''' **Source: Reedickyoulous (Season 5, Episode 5) **Notes: TBD ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake (Season 2, Episode 1) **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling (Season 4, Episode 7) **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing (Season 2, Episode 21) **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Hey Nug, you gonna sign my arrow?''' ['''Ted Nugent''': Don't move man.] '''I got a Cat Scratch Fever loincloth I still wear on laundry night.''' ['''Ted Nugent''': I'm tellin' ya, don't move!] '''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five (Season 6, Episode 7) **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Okay, That wasn't so bad. Where's the friggin' flush on this thing? Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Awfully quiet over there... at the maniac ranch. Maybe they got monoxide poisoning. You know, maybe I should check. Make sure it happened. Ah, I'm talking to myself again. Stay clear of "rocket blast"? What the hell does that mean? Meh, I'm sure it's nothing. Why's my pool... why's my pool moving?! I JUST SKIMMED ALL THE PUBES OUT OF HERE!''' **Source: Banana Planet ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 4) **Notes: TBA *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 9) **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car (Season 2, Episode 17) **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. *'''No, leave her! She's too young for you-- GAH!!''' **Source: eDork (Season 3, Episode 5) *'''Uh, whatever it is you're about to do. Can we do it at the commercial break?''' ''[Creditor growls]'' '''All right, danke schoen, right? Isn't that what you're speaking, Kraut? Uh, wait! I don't know German!''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Shake and Frylock. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Oh, light it, quick.''' **Who: D.P. **Source: Frat Aliens (Season 2, Episode 19) **Notes: TBA *'''And that’s why I said you could not buy the roller skates. Hey, what happened to the window?''' **Who: Oglethorpe (Season 2, Episode 19) **Source: Frat Aliens **Notes: Oglethorpe and Emory are flung out of space. *'''Oobie doobie.''' **Who: Cybernetic Ghost, Zucotti Manicotti and Mothmonsterman **Notes: Three characters say their last words before getting gunned down by the police. Zucotti Manicotti dies along with the human hand that plays the puppet, Cybernetic Ghost's head explodes, and Mothmonsterman dies. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''Ooh! The beast is in the heat! It's stooping me all over my crevices!''' **Who: Oglethorpe *'''Shhh... it's okay, it's okay, cause tonight, it's you.''' **Who: Hand Banana **Notes: Two characters say their last words before Oglethorpe dies and gets decapitated with blood coming out and Hand Banana while he rapes him dies as well, Emory watches in shock. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while the other ATHF villians including Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''I got to go.''' **Who: Freda **Source: Freda ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 7) **Notes: Freda commits suicide by jumping into the highway, being ran over by multiple vehicles. She later appears in the [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] opening and credits. *'''My party! My precious party! No!''' **Who: Markula **Source: Coupless Skate (Season 5, Episode 4) **Notes: Accidentally dissolved by Carl with champagne. *'''Uhh, Braveheart? Hello?''' **Who: Happy Time Harry **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Notes: TBA *'''Shake, No!''' **Who: Ol' Drippy **Source: Ol' Drippy (Season 1, Episode 7) **Notes: TBA *'''When I get a chance...''' **Who: Shake's muscles **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Shake's Muscles are dissolved when Shake becomes fattened up into a cow. *'''Ah yes, but you've mentioned that in the past, and yet your father, hated hunting. Don't do this, I thought we were past this.''' **Who: Shake's Therapist **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: TBA *'''Birds, huh? That's different, at least.''' **Who: Christopher Lambert **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Christopher Lambert, the actor of Highlander, was turned into five birds by Unbelievable Ron. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] to3nt561rxbih7l4add60d2vbz8fi1i 3955223 3955219 2026-06-22T04:51:19Z ~2026-36071-60 3344421 /* Other Last Words */ 3955223 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein (Season 1, Episode 5) **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage (Season 3, Episode 2) **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot (Season 4, Episode 1) **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''Intelligence is a wonderful thing... The control and restraint shown--''' **Source: eDork (Season 3, Episode 5) *'''NOOOO!!!!''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Was completely killed with a chainsaw horizontally by Terry. *'''This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!''' **Source: Vampires ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 6) **Notes: Shake was mauled by bears after he calls them a bad name. *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 9) **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Woah! You do have molecular transporters! Downloadable switchblades! That's a new feat-OH NO!''' **Source: Boost Mobile (Season 4, Episode 2) **Notes: The boost mobile phones tackle at Shake to kill him. *'''Hell no! Let's see the Marines try to take me like this!''' **Source: Marines (Season 5, Episode 9) **Notes: The death is not canon, Shake shot himself with a gun, and his head is reassembled in another scene. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time (Season 4, Episode 6) **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 6) **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl (Season 3, Episode 13) **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen after turning into a cow. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo (Season 7, Episode 8) **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell, until his skull is crushed with a concrete slab. *'''Oh, hey man. Whoa. AHHHH!!!''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Frylock and Carl. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 3) **Notes: Shake went inside the Hairy Bus, and then he is being slowly dissolved by the Bus' digestive juices, already enough his facial muscles are exposed, Frylock then sticks a stick of dynamite in the Hairy Bus' exhaust pipe/anal cavity and lights it, the dynamite explodes, blowing the Hairy Bus to bits and killing it and Shake. *'''No, it's not. See, I told you.''' **Source: Big Bro ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 1) **Notes: This death is non-canon, Shake sticked a shotgun up in his mouth and kills himself, then revived in another scene. *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE FOREVER!!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever TOLD ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Carl, who has secretly been working with Napkin Lad the whole time, betrays Frylock. During the chase, Carl's car and the Aqua Teens' cart both turn into submarines. Meatwad manages to bail out of their submarine just in time, leaving Frylock trapped inside as it violently crashes into a coral reef, killing him instantly. *'''Alright. No, wait! The gas leak!''' **Source: Reedickyoulous (Season 5, Episode 5) **Notes: TBD *'''Here's the kickball, who's your friend?''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Shake and Frylock. *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters (Season 4, Episode 8) **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''My water broke.''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Notes: TBD *'''I call my first cigarette.''' **Source: Reedickyoulous (Season 5, Episode 5) **Notes: TBD ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake (Season 2, Episode 1) **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling (Season 4, Episode 7) **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing (Season 2, Episode 21) **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Hey Nug, you gonna sign my arrow?''' ['''Ted Nugent''': Don't move man.] '''I got a Cat Scratch Fever loincloth I still wear on laundry night.''' ['''Ted Nugent''': I'm tellin' ya, don't move!] '''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five (Season 6, Episode 7) **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Okay, That wasn't so bad. Where's the friggin' flush on this thing? Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Awfully quiet over there... at the maniac ranch. Maybe they got monoxide poisoning. You know, maybe I should check. Make sure it happened. Ah, I'm talking to myself again. Stay clear of "rocket blast"? What the hell does that mean? Meh, I'm sure it's nothing. Why's my pool... why's my pool moving?! I JUST SKIMMED ALL THE PUBES OUT OF HERE!''' **Source: Banana Planet ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 4) **Notes: TBA *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 9) **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car (Season 2, Episode 17) **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. *'''No, leave her! She's too young for you-- GAH!!''' **Source: eDork (Season 3, Episode 5) *'''Uh, whatever it is you're about to do. Can we do it at the commercial break?''' ''[Creditor growls]'' '''All right, danke schoen, right? Isn't that what you're speaking, Kraut? Uh, wait! I don't know German!''' **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: Has his skull ripped out, along with Shake and Frylock. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Oh, light it, quick.''' **Who: D.P. **Source: Frat Aliens (Season 2, Episode 19) **Notes: TBA *'''And that’s why I said you could not buy the roller skates. Hey, what happened to the window?''' **Who: Oglethorpe (Season 2, Episode 19) **Source: Frat Aliens **Notes: Oglethorpe and Emory are flung out of space. *'''Oobie doobie.''' **Who: Cybernetic Ghost, Zucotti Manicotti and Mothmonsterman **Notes: Three characters say their last words before getting gunned down by the police. Zucotti Manicotti dies along with the human hand that plays the puppet, Cybernetic Ghost's head explodes, and Mothmonsterman dies. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''Ooh! The beast is in the heat! It's stooping me all over my crevices!''' **Who: Oglethorpe *'''Shhh... it's okay, it's okay, cause tonight, it's you.''' **Who: Hand Banana **Notes: Two characters say their last words before Oglethorpe dies and gets decapitated with blood coming out and Hand Banana while he rapes him dies as well, Emory watches in shock. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while the other ATHF villians including Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. Romulux was a tar monster, Rabbot was bullet proof, Markula just flies away, and Emory simply hides while everyone else gets shredded. *'''I will be back man. Aaah!''' **Who: MC P Pants the Worm **Source: The Last One (Season 2, Episode 24) **Notes: Is stomped on by Err *'''I got to go.''' **Who: Freda **Source: Freda ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 7) **Notes: Freda commits suicide by jumping into the highway, being ran over by multiple vehicles. She later appears in the [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever]] opening and credits. *'''My party! My precious party! No!''' **Who: Markula **Source: Coupless Skate (Season 5, Episode 4) **Notes: Accidentally dissolved by Carl with champagne. *'''Uhh, Braveheart? Hello?''' **Who: Happy Time Harry **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Notes: TBA *'''Shake, No!''' **Who: Ol' Drippy **Source: Ol' Drippy (Season 1, Episode 7) **Notes: TBA *'''When I get a chance...''' **Who: Shake's muscles **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Shake's Muscles are dissolved when Shake becomes fattened up into a cow. *'''Ah yes, but you've mentioned that in the past, and yet your father, hated hunting. Don't do this, I thought we were past this.''' **Who: Shake's Therapist **Source: The Creditor ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 5) **Notes: TBA *'''Birds, huh? That's different, at least.''' **Who: Christopher Lambert **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Christopher Lambert, the actor of Highlander, was turned into five birds by Unbelievable Ron. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] tkmda3n4dxuy6geb29mtvquz40arrxz 0 304631 3955198 3954717 2026-06-22T04:02:59Z Baratiiman 842201 3955198 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Trump -- United States of the Middle East -- map of Iran.jpg|thumb|United States of the Middle East?[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116624042090139559 ]]][[File:2026-04-07 Trump – A whole civilization will die tonight 2026-04-07 192815.png|thumb|Based on the fact that discussions with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved, I have, as President of the United States of America, cancelled the scheduled strikes and bombings against Iran this evening. Discussions and final points have been, in both concept and great detail, approved by all parties involved, including the United States, Israel, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Turkey, Pakistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan, Egypt, and others. The Naval Blockade will remain in full force and effect until this Transaction is finalized — Time and place of the signing to be announced shortly. DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116732652997120164 ]]][[File:IRGC Seal Chest Badge.svg|thumb|Borderless fighters are overseeing your transit chokepoints. If necessary, others will also come Continue your aggression and they will seize your throat] ~ CmdrGeneralQaani [https://www.tasnimnews.ir/en/news/2026/06/09/3612261/resistance-s-new-security-belt-extends-from-hormuz-to-bab-el-mandeb-irgc-quds-force-chief ]]][[File:Dedication Stone De Becker Memorial Chapel American College.jpg|thumb|We Must Recommit to One Nation Under God.Therefore, we must restore the military draft Being a citizen of the United States gives us unparalleled freedoms and opportunities that are the envy of the world. However, these freedoms that we cherish do not come without a cost [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/celebrity/articles/comedian-rob-schneider-proposes-military-184035757.html?guccounter=1 Schneider]]][[File:Achaemenid cylinder seal showing 2 scenes. An Achaemenid king before 2 sphinxes (below god Ahura Mazda). Supernatural creature fighting 2 ibexes. 6th-4th century BCE. From Hillah, Iraq. British Museum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Straits of Hormuz are named after Ahura Mazda from Zoroastrianism [https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/2063866701356089711#m Musk]]][[File:Imam Khamenei with his son, Ayatollah Sayyid Mojtaba Khamenei.jpg|thumb|Younger. I think more rational. Wounded. He is quite seriously wounded. There is a certain bravery in that ~[https://news.am/en/news/1041776 Trump]]][[File:Abdul_Rahman_Mosque_in_March_2010.jpg|thumb|There is women with manteaus being thrown out of mosques but they are now the ones waving flag [https://www.tabnak.ir/fa/news/1375015/%D9%BE%D8%B2%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%AF-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%85%E2%80%8C%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C%E2%80%8C%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF Pezeshkia]]][[File:Comintern Logo.svg|thumb|Cuba has collapsed. We will handle that as soon as we take care of the Islamic Republic of IranWe will take good care of them. We will let them go back to their land, invest in Cuba, and be with their families. We have very good plan… then on our way back, we’ll make a little brief stop These are unbelievable people. Energetic. Entrepreneurial. Some of the richest people in Miami are Cuban[https://en.cibercuba.com/noticias/2026-06-05-u1-e199894-s27061-nid331291-trump-asegura-cubanos-quieren-presencia-estados Trump]]] [[File:Abbas Araghchi in a interview with khamenei.ir (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|The building where we were sitting was targeted, but the wing we were in remained intact , After returning from the Geneva negotiations on Friday, I went to his office at 9 a.m. on Saturday to present my report, My report was about the negotiations and the atmosphere that emerged on Friday, which made the possibility of war much greater, When I got out from under the rubble, I was only thinking about whether he had been the target of the strike or not ~Iraqchi[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606047013 ]]][[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting “I surrender, I surrender” while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary “Documents of Surrender,” and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent U.S.A., The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close ~ Trump[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605262547 ]]][[File:Official portrait of Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (borderless) (cropped).jpg|thumb|We have seized about a billion dollars of their crypto, Just outright grabbed the wallets. I think between five and a half-six weeks of an incredibly successful military campaign and then Operation Economic Fury, where we have really cut them off … they are at the end of their tether now financially. We didn't have regime change but we changed the regime, on one side, we have a theocracy with the clerics. On the other side, we have a thug autocracy with the IRGC. And you've got to convince both sides.[https://www.foxbusiness.com/media/scott-bessent-says-us-seized-roughly-1b-iranian-crypto-regime-nears-end-tether ~Bessent]]][[File:Official portrait of Secretary Marco Rubio (cropped)(2).jpg|thumb|One of the things you'll find pretty consistently in every totalitarian system is that they want to control the ability of their citizens to communicate with one another ~Rubio [https://x.com/StateDept/status/2062260777348718963 ]]] [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Blockade Plus : Sustain the blockade and accompanying economic warfare to destabilize the regime’s hold on the state; remake the world in America’s energy dominance image to mitigate long-term price impacts while undermining China’s global ambition to defeat the United States; and order the US military to forge a path through the Strait of Hormuz to restore freedom of navigation [https://nypost.com/2026/05/01/opinion/heres-how-to-crush-tehran-in-three-moves/ ]]] [[File:Pirate Flag of Jack Rackham.svg|thumb|We took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business . . . We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates. - Trump[https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/]]] [[File:Flag of the United States Secretary of the Army.svg|thumb|God is good~Hegseth[https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/06/politics/hegseth-trump-iran-war-easter-christianity-analysis ]]][[File:TrinityDetonation1945GIF.gif|thumb|If there's no ceasefire, you're just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. President DJT[https://www.skynews.com.au/world-news/united-states/one-big-glow-coming-out-of-iran-trumps-wild-threat-as-he-hints-peace-deal-talks-might-collapse/video/8a668c00deaff3d27568bc78441e4a29 ]]] [[File:Seal_of_the_Army_of_the_Guardians_of_the_Islamic_Revolution.svg|thumb|Having an atomic bomb is used to scare the enemy, and we should not use this bomb on the people in any way, unless it happens.[http://didbaniran.ir/fa/tiny/news-281553 Nataj]]][[File:Donald Trump OEF.jpg|thumb|Trump: "I think the war is very complete, pretty much" (Mar 9th)]] [[File:Shajareh_Tayyebeh_school_in_Minab_photos_from_Mehr_(12).jpg|thumb|The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, {{w|2026 Minab school attack|a few weeks ago}}, you bomb the schools, you bomb the hospitals. - [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]] [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/] ]] On 28 February 2026, [[Israel]] and the [[United States]] launched a '''[[w:2026 Iran War|coordinated joint attack]]''' on multiple sites in [[Iran]], sparking a major conflict. The operation, codenamed '''Operation Roaring Lion''' and '''Operation Epic Fury''' by the [[w:United States Department of Defense|U.S. Department of Defense]], targeted senior Iranian officials, military command centers, and key strategic facilities, with the declared aim of [[w:regime change|regime change]]. The attack included the [[w:Assassination of Ali Khamenei|assassination]] of Iran’s second [[w:Supreme Leader of Iran|Supreme Leader]], [[Ali Khamenei]]. The strikes began in the cities of [[Tehran]], [[w:Isfahan|Isfahan]], [[w:Qom|Qom]], [[w:Karaj|Karaj]], and [[w:Kermanshah|Kermanshah]]. Several Iranian government figures were killed, including [[w:Ali Shamkhani|Ali Shamkhani]], the secretary of the [[w:Supreme National Security Council|Supreme National Security Council]]. Witnesses reported explosions across multiple regions. Israeli Defense Minister [[w:Israel Katz|Israel Katz]] confirmed that the [[w:Israel Defense Forces|Israel Defense Forces]] had conducted the strikes. [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]], in a video posted on [[w:Truth Social|Truth Social]], announced that the United States had joined Israel in launching attacks against Iran. In retaliation, Iranian forces launched dozens of [[w:Unmanned aerial vehicles in the Iranian military|drones]] and [[w:ballistic missiles|ballistic missiles]] across the [[w:Persian Gulf|Persian Gulf]], targeting Israel as well as U.S. military installations in [[Jordan]], [[Kuwait]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Qatar]], [[Iraq]], [[Saudi Arabia]], and the [[United Arab Emirates]]. [[File:Khamenei last end year 5458884.jpg|thumb|The newly supreme appointed leader should deliver message of the peace to world and declare new era in Iran , a historic neccessity to free political prisoners and declare public general amnesty for those that haven't collaborated in killing Iranians and/or 2026 Iran massacres [https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198657-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D9%87%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%BA%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%81%D9%88-%D8%B9%D9%85%D9%88%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%84%D9%88%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A2%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%86%DB%8C-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B6%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ]]][[File:Mojtaba Khamenei 2019.jpg|thumb|Well, they [CIA] did say [He's gay], but I don’t know if it was only them. I think a lot of people are saying that. Which puts him off to a bad start in that particular country[https://www.firstpost.com/world/a-bad-start-in-iran-trump-says-cia-told-him-mojtaba-khamenei-is-gay-13993618.html Trump]]][[File:Flag of the Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf.svg|thumb|Trump is hysterical and struggling with last final breaths. Americans are at the end of their rope. Enemy is caught in desperate swamp...Netanyahu pumped up US to attack, we will exact vengeance...Trump you are a retarded person, ...we are funneling through pass of war,... Iranians have civilization, countries of region are acting like cuckold pimps... Trump says some people within of our military have defected give us 2 of these people names to us[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421052/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%82%D8%A8-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF ~Larijani][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421726/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B3-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AE%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%88 ][https://farsnews.ir/mohammadreza_dehghan/1772912586911483130/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ]]][[File:State_flag_of_Iran_(1964%E2%80%931980).svg|thumb|Seventeen 17 cities of Caucasian Iran was separated from Iran by Tsar Russia. We are reborn from ashes of Mongol invasion and Timurid.[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77413081/%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9 ]]] == Quotes == <small>Please add quotes in chronological order</small> ===Feb 2026=== * Will someone please tell [[Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo]] that Iran has killed at least 42,000 innocent, completely unarmed, protesters in the last two months? **[https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/iran-us-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-updates/card/trump-criticizing-pope-says-iran-killed-at-least-42-000-protesters-gtRzVnxAMEMeQ8b5ygR2 Trump] *I guess the worst case would be five years we do this and somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/03/us/politics/trump-iran-leaders.html Trump] *We have lost our great leader, and we deeply mourn him. We'll severely punish the perpetrators. , with an exceptionally severe, decisive, and painful punishment. We'll resolutely confront domestic and foreign conspiracies and punish the aggressors. **[https://baike.baidu.com/en/item/Grand%20Ayatollah%20Seyyed%20Ali%20Khamenei/1512308#4-5:~:text=On-,February%2028%2C%202026,-%2C%20local%20time%2C%20Iranian IRGC]15:27, 28 Febr 2026 (UTC)~ *Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand… Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere . when we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for **Trump [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack PRESIDENT TRUMP's message to the great people of Iran ..] *firm of heart against the disbelievers, compassionate among themselves. **Khamenei quoted Quran[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77473280/%D8%A3%D8%B4%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D9%81%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87%D9%85 ] *There's a special place in hell reserved for pro-Trump Iranians. **IRGC Mashre Dimitri Lascaris [https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177328434067132 ] *400,000 armed people are ready to go to revolt against the United States government system **Gen Araste[https://www.ettelaat.com/news/140255/%DB%B4%DB%B0%DB%B0-%D9%87%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF#ref=shahrekhabar ] *Russia and China will win the war not just Iran **IRGC Gen RahimSafavi[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177326496039426 ] *We have arm around Americans neck we will be slapping it when it moves **IRGC Gen Mohsen rezai[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77471755/%D9%85%D8%AD%D8%B3%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%BE%D8%B4%D8%AA-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AA%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%DB%8C%DA%A9 ] *If anyone comes to street they are seen as enemies and not as protestors.All our kids are putting their finger on triggers all alleys , streets , city squares belong to Police, special units and The IRGC Basij. **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Ahmed Radan[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462710/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D9%88-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%B6 ] * I can see that the peace deal is within our reach... if we... allow [[diplomacy]] the space it needs to get there... I don't think any alternative to diplomacy is going to solve this problem. ...The [[heart]] of this deal is very important and ...we have captured that heart. ...[I]f the ultimate objective is to ensure forever, that Iran cannot have a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear bomb]] ...we have cracked that problem ...[W]e are talking about zero stockpiling ...[I]f you cannot stockpile material that is enriched ...there is no way you can ...create a bomb ...and ...equally important ...full and comprehensive verification by the [[w:International Atomic Energy Agency|IAEA]] ...The current stockpiles ...will be down-blended to the lowest level possible ...and converted into fuel that ...will be irreversible. ...I am ...confident ...that even the United States inspectors will have access at some point ...if we have a deal that is respected, and fair, and ...durable ...We have agreed, in general, to discuss economic and security cooperation between Iran and its neighbors, and set up a process of dialogue that will ...start the elements of building confidence, ...a rapport, a process that can ...lead ...to an understanding on all these ...areas of concern ...on the Iranian side, and ...on the [[w:Gulf Cooperation Council|GCC]] side. ...Broad terms, ...the politics, the ...main issues ...can be agreed [upon] tomorrow. The technicalities will take some time to work... out with... the IAEA. ...[T]hat can also be done ...relatively quickly, because a lot of this ...groundwork was done years ago, and it's ...in place. ...The substantial progress... is... far more than any time before. We just need that bit of extra time to close the deal. ** {{w|Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi}}, "Oman's foreign minister says U.S.-Iran nuclear 'deal is within our reach'" (Feb 27, 2026) ''{{w|Face the Nation}}'' statements prior to the US-Israeli attacks. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5sXQDR8NY&t=38s A Youtube video source.] *Mahdi is with us and in charge of Umma, he has through Assembly of Experts introduced Ayatallah Mojtaba Khamenei **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328896/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B9%D8%AC-%D9%88%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%86%DA%A9%D8%AA%D9%87 Hossein Shariatmadare] *The revolution will not sit down until flag of Mahdi is raised on all corners of earth **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328901/%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87%E2%80%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA Hossein Shariatmadare] *To save his soldiers Trump has gone to Volodymir Zelensky president-clown of Ukraine for aid **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328922/%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%AF%D9%84%D9%82%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF Hossein Shariatmadare] *War's balance changed and Islamic Republic of Iran has the upper hand, there won't be a negotiatons any country who helps America will be targeted as enemy **[https://tasnimnews.ir/fa/news/1404/12/19/3537514/%D9%85%D9%88%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%AA-90-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%B5%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D9%87%D9%BE%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B9-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ICA] *A vessel has passed through Hormuz strait , an United States (US) military navy escorted her. In Playstation **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461463/%D9%88%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%B9%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%BA%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87 ] *We have only just begun our missiles have left utter ruin and destruction ,Netanyahu won't let you see **Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462291/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B9-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Our enemy is the stupidest idiot. Our defense system is an ideology not just a defense system, while when we hit Haifa their people were begging for car gas **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Achmed Radan [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77460868/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%82-%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF ] *Your children shall read Quran while sitting by the missile launchers tonight. **Gen Mousavi [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461610/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A8-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86%DA%86%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF ] [[File:HIMARS Support Operation Epic Fury (9564974).jpg|thumb|Operation Epic Fury]] ===Mar 2026=== *I can't tell I may have a plan or I may not, Marco would put me on a helicopter. **Trump [https://news.meaww.com/video/marco-would-put-me-on-a-helicopter-trump-jokes-on-kharg-island-question-says-i-cant-tell ] *All vessels shall not pass Hormuz Strait **IRGCN Gen Ali Tangsiri[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6771339/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D9%87%DB%8C%DA%86-%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AA%D8%A8%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%AA%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2 ] *How much of a cuckold is American president, Australian police has taken our girls out of the hotel and forced and made them to apply for asylum **Mehdi Taj Chairman National Football Federation[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77458637/%D9%85%D9%87%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%85%D9%87%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%86%D9%87-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AC ] *We are prepared to wage war against America for next at least another 10 year **IRGC Gen Jabari[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449662/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%DA%A9%D9%84-%D8%B3%D9%BE%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D9%85%D8%B7%D9%84%D8%B9-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%D9%88%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D9%87 ] *Iran is the conscious of the humanity, its real dignity and glory. It is chosen people fighting for the Victory of the Light. It it Ormuzd, Ishraq. Mahdi people. **Dugin Alexander[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77392273/%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D9%88%DA%AF%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86 ] *The recent war is between good and evil **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77432191/%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D9%88-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B7%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ] *Like thunder we will strike Haifa **IRGC Gen Seid mousavi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449498/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D9%84%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AD%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87 ] * Iran’s leaders before the attack had been clear that they were willing to negotiate on the nuclear question. Talks were ongoing... There had appeared to be a good basis for agreement, given... an Iranian government that... was not in a position to enrich uranium... for the foreseeable future. ...Americans ...were deeply unhappy with the results of America’s last big wars of {{w|regime change}} ...[[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|in Afghanistan]] [[Iraq War|and Iraq]]. At the beginning of this joint [[w:2026 Iran war|US–Israel campaign against Iran]], only about a third of Americans supported the adventure... ** Dana Allin, "US politics and the war against Iran" (Mar 2, 2026) [https://www.iiss.org/online-analysis/online-analysis/2026/02/the-us-israel-campaign-in-iran/ "The US-Israel campaign in Iran"] @[[w:International Institute for Strategic Studies|IISS]].org *This is a war that should end it once and for all. ::[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6764020/%D9%86%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AF ICA] (Mar 2 2026) *Our Brave and Powerful Armed Forces will avenge each and every Iranian mother, , father, and child who has been targeted by hostile forces. **foreign minister Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77405403/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA ] *There is no shelter you can be safe **[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177298212045678 IRGC text] *We will fill Americans' coffins there is no end to war unless they fully surrender. **IRGC operations mission statement[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77389339 ] *Trump is more than 500 Americans killed dead America first or israel first. Inshallah Khamenei killing has heavy price **Larijani[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77384703/%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%AD%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8-%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%87%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DB%8C%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] * Irregardless of cost. Not unlike United States of America. Same as Iran has not in past 300 years started wars, Iran is ready for long war. ** [[w:Ali Larijani|Ali Larijani]], Secretary of the Supreme National Security Council of Iran. [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77359057 Source (in Persian)] *Now that we have baited America do not make ceasefire and/or peace we must destroy them ::Ayatallah Panahian[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388174/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%BE%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%86%D9%BE%D8%B0%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AF ] *From us Iranian people only President son Aga Yusuf Pezeshkian and his buddies have internet connection. ::[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388864/%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%81%D9%82%D8%B7-%D8%A2%D9%82%D8%A7-%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B4-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Payamemam] * These attacks from Israel and the United States... were unprovoked. There was no immanent threat. Many would interpret this war to be an illegal war. ** Evaleila Pesaran, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJnVYpbKuM&t=600s "The war with Iran: An expert analysis"] (Mar 2, 2026) Youtube video from [[University of Cambridge|Cambridge University]] channel. * I see no indication that ...those institutions are weak or fraying or that you can destroy ...[them] from the air. ...[T]his administration is trying to justify the war the same way [[Jackson Pollock]] used to paint. You just throw a bucket of reasons up against the canvas and hope the result looks good. ...Iranian missiles ... [as] a threat to the United States... falls short of the truth by about 4,000 miles ...[I]f we're doing preventative wars now to prevent countries that might one day be a threat, is [[North Korea]]... [[China]]... [[Russia]] in line? I don't think so. ...I can't make head or tails out of the reason this administration has put forward for this war. ** [[w:Alan Eyre (diplomat)|Alan Eyre]], "Expert panel breaks down U.S. objectives in Iran war" (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|PBS News Hour}}''. * Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) * If the [[Precedents|precedent]] that is being set is, "Any country with super * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' *The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, a few weeks ago, you {{w|2026 Minab school attack|bomb the schools}}, you bomb the hospitals. That’s American policy in foreign countries. It’s most visible in the case of Israeli policy, in Gaza, and now the West Bank as well. And it is the same policy that the United States has followed in Iran. ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/ "The war on Iran is transforming the global economy: Economist Michael Hudson explains how"] (Mar 29, 2026) @Geopolitical Economy Report * Whenever a state chooses to go to [[war]]... you have to ask—where is the [[w:Intelligence assessment|intelligence]] on the threat? ...[T]he Trump administration ...in hurry mode ...chose to set [[diplomacy]] aside, despite the fact that the [mediating] [[w:Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi#Diplomatic career|Omani foreign minister]] ...was convinced that remarkable progress had been made on the issue of [[Nuclear program of Iran|Iranian nuclear weapons]] ...[T]wo other arguments for the war: that the US faced an imminent threat from [[Iran]], and that Iran’s {{w|ballistic missile}} capability threatened the United States. Scratch this last claim—it’s simply not [[Truth|true]] ...Why would a much-weakened [[Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Republic]] pose an "imminent threat" ..? [[Marco Rubio]] has come forward with an absurd argument ...Does anyone truly believe that Israel would go it alone ...without US backing, that the operation was not jointly planned? ...This is all desperate [[storytelling]], not intelligence. ** {{w|Wesley Wark}}, "[https://thewalrus.ca/iran-foreign-policy-experts/ Eight Experts on What You’re Not Being Told about the War in Iran:] The questions that aren’t making it into the battlefield dispatches" (Mar 3, 2026) @''{{w|The Walrus}}'' * Ironically, the greatest beneficiaries of the United States’ grave [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]]s of [[international law]] are the very actors whom, under normal circumstances, Washington would be seeking to restrain: [[Moscow]] will be emboldened to continue its barbaric [[w:Russo-Ukrainian war|assault on Ukraine]], while [[China]] will feel empowered to move on [[Taiwan]]. ** [[w:Stephanie Turco Williams|Stephanie T. Williams]], "Flying blind" (March 2, 2026) [https://www.brookings.edu/articles/after-the-strike-the-danger-of-war-in-iran/ "After the strike: The danger of war in Iran"] [[w:Brookings Institution|Brookings]]. * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} *It's going to be... tempting for countries to think that in a world where there are no rules.., no [[w:Law of war|rules of war]], where that [[w:Liberal international order|post-war liberal order]], imperfect as it was, is now completely being disregarded.., that makes the world more dangerous for all of us. ...[T]here was an [[order]] of some kind ...a view that a degree of [[w:Consensus decision-making|international consensus]] was necessary ...before ...[[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervening in foreign countries]]. There were rules of war... [A]ll of us need to be... very thoughtful about supporting the creation of a world where anything goes, and [[might makes right]]. ...[[United States|America]] is still the preeminent [[power]], the {{w|superpower}}, the global [[Hegemony|hegemon]]. ...I hope this is a moment for Americans to reflect on the facts that the rules-based international order, which did act as a constraint on American power, also provided America with some meaningful [[protection]]. ** [[Chrystia Freeland]], Chrystia Freeland on Iran, Ukraine, and Global Power Shifts | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}'' (Mar 3, 2026) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlj_beVDuxg&t=196s 3:16.] * [I]f it's... possible that there are about to be acts of [[terrorism]] by [[Iran]] inside the United States, how can [[United States Congress|Congress]] continue to blockade funds for the [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Department of Homeland Security]] until it gets [[reform]]s... including an end to the [[lying]]..? You're going to see a real press by the [[Second presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] to say, "Release the funds and let the Department... resume... operations.., including falsely calling people terrorists if they operate a camera near an immigration agent." You're going to see attacks on the [[freedom of the press]]. This administration... regards it as illegal, criminal, for reporters simply to ask questions of [[The Pentagon|Pentagon employees]]... Only the designated leaders... get to speak... and if they're... saying things that look like they might not be [[Truth|true]], you can't second guess or question them. We have had many instances... of false indications of [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|emergency powers]]. The whole [[w:Tariffs in the second Trump administration|tariff nonsense]]... rested on [[Falsehood|false claims]] of the president... about economic emergency. ...[N]ow there's a real [[war]].., a real risk of terrorist activity... That's a much more plausible emergency.., and... what [[Courts|court]] will say, "We don't think you're telling the truth about this either"? ...So there will be new assertions of emergency power... [P]eople who have the president's ear have been urging him to use emergency powers against the [[w:2026 United States elections|elections of 2026]]. The possibility of that... are much higher today... than... a week ago. ...We're moving into extraordinary danger to democratic institutions. The [[w:2026 Iran war|war in Iran]]... is an urgent [[w:Domestic policy of the second Trump administration|domestic policy]] question... a massive grant of power to a president and administration that have proven... that they will [[Abuse of power|abuse any powers]] that they are en[[trust]]ed with. ** [[David Frum]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=190s No Exit from Trump's War:] with Tom Nichols" The David Frum Show. A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. (Mar 4 2026) *"Senate votes down resolution to stop Trump from continuing war with Iran" (Mar 4, 2026) **<small>''{{w|The Independent}}''. [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/senate-iran-war-vote-trump-powers-resolution-b2932221.html Source.]</small> *Nobody gets to hide and give the president an easy pass or an end-run around the Constitution. Everybody's got to declare whether they're for this war or against it. ** Sen. [[Tim Kaine]] *War is ugly, it always has been ugly, but we're taking out a regime that has been trying to attack us for quite some time. ** Sen. [[Markwayne Mullin]] *I learned when I was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, that when elites in Washington bang the war drums, pound their chest, talk about the costs of war and act tough, they're not talking about them doing it, they're not talking about their kids. They're talking about working class kids like us. ** Rep. [[Jason Crow]] * Why are we going into Iran? ...[I]t is the president's [[wikt:vainglory#Noun|vainglory]]. He thinks he's on a roll, that... this is easy to do; that you can [[w:2026 United States intervention in Venezuela|knock off dictatorships like Venezuela]], and then have a parade; that this solves a lot of his problems. It gets people not talking about the [[Epstein files]]. ...[A] huge chunk of [[Donald Trump]]'s [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] is rooted in trying to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files. ...[H]e is that [[wikt:narrow-minded#Adjective|narrow]] and [[wikt:crass#Adjective|crass]]. ...Now he's going to say he's a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|war president]]. That means you can't criticize me... I can stomp on the press... I can declare a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|national emergency]]. ...As the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|British Parliament]] said... in [~]1944... "This is not a propitious time for an [[Elections|election]]." ...[[wikt:mischief#Noun|[M]ischief]] comes with a war because... presidential war powers... become almost unchallengeable. ** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=797s Trump’s War With Iran and a New Danger at Home] | The [[David Frum]] Show (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. *[[Donald Trump|The president]] was not going to be just another president on a very long list who sat back and stood by and passed the buck of this direct threat to the next administration. The president had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States, was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. **[[Karoline Leavitt]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html "Karoline Leavitt insists Trump had a ‘feeling based on fact’ before Iran strikes but still won’t detail imminent threat to US"]], ''The Independent'' (05 March 2026) *[T]o take on the extraordinary risks... without having made the case with the American people.., citing immanent threats that aparently don't exist... that's problematic, and the chances of unintended consequences... are... very serious... [W]e're... using.., in many cases very expensive weapons to take down $20,000 drones. That's not a good equation... over time. ...I'm worried about ...second and third order consequences ...we so deplete our arsenal, and it takes a long time to rebuild ...puts us in a disadvantageous position when it comes to ...a [[China]] or ...[[Russia]]. ...[M]uch as ...everyone should want to see a change... it may simply ...reinforce the [[Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps|IRGC]] ...[I]t's very hard to produce regime change from outside. You can't bomb your way to it. ...The [[wikt:red flag#Noun|red flag]] ...is that this could be [[Syrian civil war|Syria]] [[wikt:redux#Noun|redux]] or ...[[Libyan Crisis (2011–present)|Libya]] redux ...the country fracturing, imploding or even exploding with [[refugee]]s and [[w:International migration|migration]].., [[Extremism|extremist]] groups taking hold... It's incredibly ...[[dangerous]]. ...[I]t's never too late for [[diplomacy]]. ...<br />[W]hen [[Russia]] is ...reaching a weak point because of its dependence on oil to fuel its war economy ...they get a lifeline, ...the price of oil is going up. The [[Europe|Europeans]], in having moved away from Russian gas, are now more dependent on the [[Middle East]]. ...If the {{w|Strait of Hormuz}} gets tied up ...that's ...a lot of pressure ...So mapping out, gaming out, planning out and ...making sure you have something in place to deal with ...second and third order effects is ...important, and it's not ...clear ...that was done ...There's been a shifting rationale ...[or] explanation for why this, why now? ...That's why it's so important to have ...laid this out before the American people, and our partners and allies. We might have had less friction with them if there was a compelling case ...and had them on the take-off, not mid-flight or on the landing. ** [[Antony Blinken]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHgG-lkOi6w&t=74s "Former Secretary of State on the Two Keys to Ending Iran War"] (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from the [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]] Podcasts channel. *Majority of Experts Assembly has come to pick next leader who is Seid. **Dirbaz[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764537-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C ] (Mar 8 2026) * Unprovoked attacks by the [[United States|US]] and [[Israel]]... violate the fundamental prohibition on the use of [[force]], [[Sovereignty|sovereign]] [[equality]], {{w|territorial integrity}}, and the [[duty]] to [[Peace|peacefully]] settle disputes... They also violate the {{w|right to life}}... We cannot pick and choose when [[international law]] applies. Unlawful [[military]] [[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervention]] is not a solution... These attacks do not strike military abstractions – they strike people... {{w|Civilian}}s are bearing the brunt of this war... In a country that has already lost thousands to [[Violence|violent]] [[Political repression|repression]]... these attacks deepen... profound human [[tragedy]]... The targeting of civilians, educational facilities, and medical institutions constitutes a grave violation of [[international humanitarian law]] and [[w:International human rights law|human rights law]]... Any path forward must be grounded in the [[rule of law]], the will of the [[Iranians|Iranian people]], and full accountability for the [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]] of international law, by all parties... ** {{w|Mai Sato}}, [[w:Cecilia Bailliet|Cecilia M. Bailliet]], {{w|Astrid Puentes Riaño}}, {{w|Alexandra Xanthaki}}, {{w|Farida Shaheed}}, Surya Deva, {{w|Margaret Satterthwaite}}, {{w|Gina Romero}}, Nicolas Levrat, [[w:Richard Bennett (UN)|Richard Bennett]], Tomoya Obokata, [[w:Mary Lawlor (human rights advocate)|Mary Lawlor]], {{w|Ben Saul}}, {{w|Alice Jill Edwards}}, [[Francesca Albanese]], Morris Tidball-Binz, {{w|Siobhán Mullally}}, Gabriella Citroni, Grażyna Baranowska, Aua Baldé, Ana Lorena Delgadillo Pérez, {{w|Bina D'Costa}}, {{w|Claudia Flores}}, Ivana Krstić, {{w|Dorothy Estrada-Tanck}}, Haina Lu, [[Reem Alsalem]], {{w|Paula Gaviria Betancur}}, Elizabeth Salmón, Mariana Katzarova (Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, volunteer Special Rapporteurs/Independent Experts/Working Groups) [https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2026/03/iran-un-experts-call-de-escalation-and-accountability "Iran: UN experts call for de-escalation and accountability"] (Mar 4, 2026) [[w:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|OHCHR]]. * [[Mohammed bin Salman|The Crown Prince]] and other [[w:Arab states of the Persian Gulf|Gulf]] leaders have been urging America not to undertake military action against Iran, because all of us believe... action will not remain confined to Iran; that Iran will retaliate against American in the area, which is present in all of the Gulf states, and as far away as [[Turkey]]... They've been warning the Americans not to undertake military action and suffer the consequences. ...I don't think the system in Iran will collapse any time soon. ...Iranian leadership has been preparing for an eventuality like this, because of what they have continued to hear from [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Mr. Netanyahu]] in the past 40 years. He has been calling for the destruction of Iran, and so the Iranians... have been preparing themselves for such an eventuality. ...The only way the system will go... is through the Iranian people. ** {{w|Turki bin Faisal Al Saud}}, "Fmr. Saudi Intelligence Chief Discusses Gulf States' Reaction to Iran Attacks | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}''" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfGcX4XuZ5A&t=62s 1:02,] 5:08. * Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever been hit before.., THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! ** [[Donald J. Trump]], post on Truth Social, "Trump warns Iran of unprecedented force if it retaliates" (Feb 28, 2026) {{w|Reuters}}. *I think the war is very complete, pretty much. [Iran has] no navy, no communications, they've got no air force. Their missiles are down to a scatter. Their drones are being blown up all over the place, including their manufacturing of drones. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says 'the war is very complete,' and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"], ''CBS News'' (Mar 9 2026) *US officials are posting fake news to manipulate narkets. It won't protect them from inflationary tsunami they've imposed on Americans Markets are facing biggest shortfall in HISTORY bigger than Arab Oil Embargo, Kuwait **[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D9%84%D9%84-17/764878-%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AC%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 Mr Iraqchi] (Mar 10 2026) *If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again - Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them - But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2031167037620236703 Trump on TruthSocial] (10 March 2026) *Most definitely we are not seeking ceasefire we will break zionist life cycle of war-negotiations-ceasefire and then war again forever **Moahamedbagher Ghabilaf[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764797-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86- %D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] (Mar 10 2026) *Take Bahrain back! Annex it **MP Aytallah Resaei Hamid[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200147-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D9%86%D9%85%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%BE%D8%B3-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ], 12 March 2026 *I have seen his body after martyred, I heard he clenched his fist.You people have led the country. The will of the masses is to continue the effective and regrettable defense. Certainly, the leverage of blocking the Strait of Hormuz should still be used. Neighboring countries must make their position clear to the aggressors against our country... In any case, we will demand compensation from the enemy; if they refuse, we will seize as much of their property as we determine; if that is not possible, we will destroy as much of their property as we can. **Mojtaba Khamenei (12 March 2026)[https://www.irna.ir/news/86100475/%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B8%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%82%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%82%D8%B4-%D9%88-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D8%AD%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF ][https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200277-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%B5%D8%B1%D9%81-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Aggression against soil of Iranian islands will shatter all restraint. We will abandon all restraint and make the Persian Gulf run with the blood of invaders. **[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77477478/%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%81-%D9%87%D8%B1%DA%AF%D9%88%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9-%D8%AC%D8%B2%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%85%DB%8C], ''Qalibaf'' (12 March 2026) *The [[United States]] is the largest Oil Producer in the World, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. BUT, of far greater interest and importance to me, as President, is stoping an evil Empire, Iran, from having Nuclear Weapons, and destroying the [[Middle East]] and, indeed, the World. I won’t ever let that happen! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-updates-supreme-leader-trump-oil-b2937272.html "Iran-US war latest: Supreme leader statement threatens fresh attacks after UK base in Iraq hit by drone swarm"], ''The Independent'' (12 March 2026) *As long as America and Zionist exist humankind will not see quiet. To establish peace they must be destroyed **Aytallah Khatami Imam Tehran [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77485962/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%AA%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AF ][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77487036/%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B4%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF] (13 March 2026) *Just run! **IRGC hebrew text [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499999/%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%D8%A7-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If Americans do heliborne operation on taking over Khark Island we will attack their bases and take prisoners **FM Manouchehr Motaki Iran negotiators [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77500152/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AA%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AC%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%DA%A9-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84-%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If the [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] games are in [[Mexico]] maybe we will go **Minister of youth & sport [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499588/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4-%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B2%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7], (14 March 2026) *Countries in region are supposed to pay reparations for killing Khamenei. **VP Mohammed Mokhber [https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6774791/%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D9%85%DA%A9%D9%84%D9%81-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AE%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF] (14 March 2026) *When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones. **[[President Trump]] quoted when asked when the war will end: [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-says-iran-war-will-end-when-i-feel-it-in-my-bones_uk_69b57775e4b09d87d0277fa2 "Trump Says Iran War Will End 'When I Feel It In My Bones'"], ''Huffington Post'' (14 March 2026) *It's a little unfair. You win a war, but they have no right to be doing what they're doing. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c70k29914q4o "Surge in US petrol prices deepens political peril for Trump over Iran"], ''BBC News'' (17 March 2026) *Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116245182325726375 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (17 Mar 2026) *[[Israel]], out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East, has violently lashed out at a major facility known as South Pars Gas Field in Iran. A relatively small section of the whole has been hit. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack, and the country of [[Qatar]] was in no way, shape, or form, involved with it, nor did it have any idea that it was going to happen. Unfortunately, Iran did not know this, or any of the pertinent facts pertaining to the South Pars attack, and unjustifiably and unfairly attacked a portion of Qatar’s LNG Gas facility. NO MORE ATTACKS WILL BE MADE BY ISRAEL pertaining to this extremely important and valuable South Pars Field unless Iran unwisely decides to attack a very innocent, in this case, Qatar - In which instance the United States of America, with or without the help or consent of Israel, will massively blow up the entirety of the South Pars Gas Field at an amount of strength and power that Iran has never seen or witnessed before. I do not want to authorize this level of violence and destruction because of the long term implications that it will have on the future of Iran, but if Qatar’s LNG is again attacked, I will not hesitate to do so. **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116253388303392718 Truth Social] (Mar 19, 2026) * Iranian missiles do not differentiate between Muslim and Christian and Jew and whichever religion, they're out there to kill anybody because they feel everybody who doesn't accept their belief is an infidel. **Israeli President [[Isaac Herzog]] following the 2026 Beit Awwa salon strike in the West Bank. (Mar 19, 2026)[https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890479] *We are getting very close to meeting our objectives as we consider winding down our great Military efforts in the Middle East with respect to the Terrorist Regime of [[Iran]]: (1) Completely degrading Iranian Missile Capability, Launchers, and everything else pertaining to them. (2) Destroying Iran’s Defense Industrial Base. (3) Eliminating their Navy and Air Force, including Anti Aircraft Weaponry. (4) Never allowing Iran to get even close to Nuclear Capability, and always being in a position where the U.S.A. can quickly and powerfully react to such a situation, should it take place. (5) Protecting, at the highest level, our Middle Eastern Allies, including [[Israel]], [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Qatar]], the [[United Arab Emirates]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Kuwait]], and others. The [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] will have to be guarded and policed, as necessary, by other Nations who use it — The United States does not! **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116263563453969628 Truth Social] (Mar 20, 2026) [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Strait of Hormuz]] *If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]], within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyxv87zwwpo "Trump at a crossroads as US weighs tough options in Iran"], ''BBC News'' (21 March 2026) *In difficult times like these, when events seem both confused and confusing, [[Mark Twain]]’s “broken fragments of antique legends” can remind us of historical analogies like the collapse of the power and influence of [[Great Britain]] or of the [[Soviet Union]] that can help us understand how the past often whispers to the present — as it indeed seems to be doing these days in the [[Strait of Hormuz]]. ** [[Alfred W. McCoy]], [https://inkstickmedia.com/how-the-iran-war-gave-trump-his-very-own-suez-crisis/ "How the Iran War Gave Trump His Very Own Suez Crisis"] (21 March 2026) *No countries that are [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization|NATO]] allies that have been bullied by Trump are going to be willing… to go on this suicide mission for someone who is an asshole to them. **Adam Mockler from [[w:MeidasTouch|MeidasTouch]] quoted telling [[CNN]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/trump-iran-gamble-failed-americas-allies-pay-it-4309972 "Trump’s Iran gamble has failed – and America’s allies will pay for it"], ''iNews'' (March 22, 2026) *Maybe me. Me and the ayatollah, whoever the ayatollah is, whoever the next ayatollah is. There’s automatically a regime change, but we’re dealing with some people that I find to be very reasonable, very solid. The people within know who they are. They’re very respected, and maybe one of them will be exactly what we’re looking for. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on who would control the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped. **[[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *Because they’re going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present. And the present arrived today. And it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.… That meant one thing to me—we’re dealing with the right people. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on negotiations with [[Iran]] in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/4556482986909-trump-says-he-changed-his-mind-after-iran-gave-very-big-present "Trump Says He Changed His Mind After Iran Gave 'Very Big Present'"], ''Newsbreak'' (24 March 2026) *Has the level of your inner ⁠struggle reached the stage ⁠of you negotiating with yourself? **Iranian Ebrahim Zolfaqari's rhetorical question to Donald Trump quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/25/us-talking-to-itself-says-iran-as-trump-claims-wheels-of-diplomacy-turning "US talking to itself, says Iran as Trump claims wheels of diplomacy turning"], ''Al Jazeera'' (25 March 2026) * The enemy signals negotiation in public, while in secret it plots a ground attack. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place. Our determination and faith have increased. [Iranian forces] are waiting for the arrival of American troops on the ground to set them on fire and punish their regional partners for ever. ** Iranian parliament speaker, [[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]], quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/29/iran-accuses-us-plotting-ground-assault-publicly-seeking-talks "Iran accuses US of plotting ground assault while publicly seeking talks"], ''Guardian'' (29 March 2026) *This is our God: Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them. * ([[Isaiah]] 1:15) ‘Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.’ **[[Pope Leo XIV]] quoting ''Book of Isaiah'', reported in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cje4x38q8xqt?post=asset%3A58d1f907-b13b-443a-b413-d7741b63b566 "'Hands full of blood': Pope Leo seemingly criticises those involved in war"], ''BBC News'' (29 March 2026) ===Apr 2026=== [[File:Gas prices Sonoma, California April 7 2026.jpg|thumb|Trump: We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages.]] *We're finishing the job, and I think within maybe two weeks, maybe a couple of days longer, to do the job. But we want to knock out every single thing they have. Now, it's possible that we'll make a deal before that. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=ad13f6002bde4e30befd5495f58499d9 "Trump: US could leave Iran in 2 to 3 weeks, securing Strait of Hormuz is 'not for us'"], ''AP News'' (Apr 1, 2026) *We will consider [a ceasefire] when [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting [[Iran]] into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-speech-stone-age-b2950116.html "Trump threatens both Iran and NATO allies ahead of primetime address on war: ‘Back to the Stone Ages’"], ''Independent'' (Apr 1, 2026) *If hostility escalates, the entire region will turn into hell for you; the illusion of defeating the Islamic Republic of Iran will become a quagmire into which you will sink. **[[w:Ebrahim Zolfaghari|Ebrahim Zolfaghari]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y90jl8veyo US and "Iran trade threats to unleash 'hell' as search for missing US airman continues"], ''BBC News'' (4 April 2026) *In the attempt to try to prevent Iran from developing a weapon of mass destruction, the US handed Iran a weapon of mass disruption. **Ali Vaez, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/us-intelligence-warns-iran-unlikely-ease-hormuz-strait-chokehold-soon-sources-2026-04-03/ Reuters] *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg0q6wdzp1o Trump issues expletive-laden threat to Iran over Hormuz Strait blockage], ''BBC News'' (5 April 2026) * Subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz, I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * If attacks against Iran are halted, our Powerful Armed Forces will cease their defensive operations. For a period of two weeks, safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz will be possible via coordination with Iran's Armed Forces and with due consideration of technical limitations. ** Iran’s foreign minister, [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire "US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz"], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards, other than a short term extortion of the World by using International Waterways. The only reason they are alive today is to negotiate! ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/10/jd-vance-warns-iran-against-trying-to-play-the-us-in-peace-talks "JD Vance warns Iran against trying to ‘play’ the US in peace talks"], ''The Guardian'' (10 April 2026 ) *The simple question is, do we see a fundamental commitment of will for the Iranians not to develop a nuclear weapon, not just now, not just two years from now, but for the long term. We haven’t seen that yet. **[[JD Vance]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-peace-talks-vance-trump-b2956013.html "Why the US-Iran peace talks failed after just one day – and what happens next"], ''The Independent'' (12 April 2026) * We’re going to clean out the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) * We’re very disappointed with [[NATO]], we’re very, very disappointed that they didn’t come. Now, they want to come and they want to help with the strait. **Trump quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) [[File:Straße von Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Trump - Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again]] * In line with the ceasefire in Lebanon, the passage for all commercial vessels through [the] [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] is declared completely open for the remaining period of ceasefire, on the coordinated route as already announced by Ports and Maritime Organisation of the Islamic Rep. of Iran. ** Iran Foreign Minister [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cqxdg17yr2wt Iran says Strait of Hormuz is 'open' as Trump says US blockade will continue until deal reached], ''BBC News'' (Apr 17, 2026) * [[Iran]] has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116420562510387829 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (Apr 17, 2026) * Based on the fact that the Government of [[Iran]] is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister [[w:Shehbaz Sharif|Shehbaz Sharif]], of [[Pakistan]], we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx297218m9vt "Iran says reopening Strait of Hormuz 'impossible' if US blockade continues"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 22, 2026) * We are all 'Iranian' and 'revolutionary,' and with the iron unity of the nation and government, with complete obedience to the Supreme Leader. We will make the aggressor criminal regret his actions. ** Iran's President {{w|Masoud Pezeshkian}} quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c0mjev4kn9jt?page=2 "Trump says Israel-Lebanon ceasefire extended by three weeks, but he won't 'rush' Iran deal"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 24, 2026) ===May 2026=== *Iran has taken some shots at unrelated Nations with respect to the Ship Movement, PROJECT FREEDOM, including a South Korean Cargo Ship. Perhaps it’s time for South Korea to come and join the mission!{{Pbri}}We’ve shot down seven small Boats or, as they like to call them, “fast” Boats. It’s all they have left. Other than the South Korean Ship, there has been, at this moment, no damage going through the Strait. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Dan Caine, will have a News Conference tomorrow morning. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth], 4 May 2026 *Countries from all over the World. almost all of which are not involved in the Middle Eastern dispute going on so visibly, and violently, for all to see, have asked the United States if we could help free up their Ships. which are locked up in the Strait of Hormuz, on something which they have absolutely nothing to do with - They are merely neutral and innocent bystanders! For the good of Iran, the Middle East, and the United States, we have told these Countries that we will guide their Ships safely out of these restricted Waterways, so that they can freely and ably get on with their business. Again, these are Ships from areas of the World that are not in any way involved with that which is currently taking place in the Middle East. I have told my Representatives to inform them that we will use best efforts to get their Ships and Crews safely out of the Strait. In all cases, they said they will not be returning until the area becomes safe for navigation, and everything else. This process, '''Project Freedom''', will begin Monday morning, Middle East time. I am fully aware that my Representatives are having very positive discussions with the Country of Iran, and that these discussions could lead to something very positive for all. The Ship movement is merely meant to free up people, companies, and Countries that have done absolutely nothing wrong - They are victims of circumstance. This is a Humanitarian gesture on behalf of the United States, Middle Eastern Countries but, in particular, the Country of Iran. Many of these Ships are running low on food, and everything else necessary for large scale crews to stay on board in a healthy and sanitary manner. I think it would go a long way in showing Goodwill on behalf of all of those who have been fighting so strenuously over the last number of months. If, in any way, this Humanitarian process is interfered with, that interference will, unfortunately, have to be dealt with forcefully. Thank you for your attention to this matter! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth] *Quranic verdict of Zarif and Rouhani is execution definitely indeed **Qasemian[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213690/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%DA%A9%D9%85-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%B8%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%82%D8%B7%D8%B9%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85 ]19:05, (3 May 2026) * Do you take out your wife, sister and wife so that unmarried men can look? There is a law, the parliament has approved it. I advise these women who come out without hijab: gather yourself. If these people decide, they will destroy your life. Netanyahu kills people, you beat people's opinion. They come again and appear in the square and street. Will you bring your sister and this woman so that the eyes of non-mahram men will fall on her situation? **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213662/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AA%D8%B5%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D9%87%D8%A7 Imam Juma Rasht] (3 May 2026) * Operation Epic Fury is concluded. We achieved the objectives of that operation. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c1wz2ld4535t US "Secretary of State Marco Rubio says offensive stage of Iran war is 'over'"], ''BBC News'' (4 May 2026) * Based on the request of [[Pakistan]] and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c152zyj0599t "Trump says US will pause operation to guide ships through Strait of Hormuz"], ''BBC News'' (6 May 2026) * We have such a great military and great navy. And they were going straight through, and they said, “Turn your ship around!”. And there was no response. “Turn your ship around! Evacuate your engine room immediately!” And you see all these guys running out of there. Now, they’re five miles away — in one shot, into the engine room, blew up the engine room; the ship stopped, and they used tugboats. And then we landed on top of it — on top of everything else — we then land on top of it. And '''we took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business'''. Who would have thought we were doing that? '''We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates'''. But we’re not playing games. ** Trump quoted in [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/ Trump boasts ‘we’re like pirates’, seizing Iran’s ships, as China challenges US sanctions]. Geopolitical Economy Report. (9 May 2026) * We will never bow our heads before the enemy, and if talk of dialogue or negotiation arises, it does not mean surrender or retreat. ** Iranian President [[w:Masoud Pezeshkian|Masoud Pezeshkian]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clypgz9e5pmo "Trump calls Iran response to US proposal to end war 'totally unacceptable"], ''BBC News'' (10 May 2026) * 1. They martyred the great and devoted leader of the Islamic Revolution; 2. No Muslim country came to Iran aid. What sort of Islam is this .. what kind of Muslimhoodness is this; 3.Iran continues to resist the big and small Satan (America and Israel); 4. On one side of today's battle are America and Israel, and on the other side are Muslim Iran and the resistance forces. Which side are you; 5. Think about the future of the Islamic world. You know that America is not loyal to you and Israel is your enemy. Think for a minute about yourself and the future of the region; 6. Unity of the Islamic Ummah with all its power can provide and guarantee the security, excellence and independence of countries for everyone **letter to 6 countries Larijani[https://fa.alalam.ir/news/7428293/%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%DB%B6-%D8%A8%D9%86%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%84%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C ] *If you want Internet, pack and get up, leave your things, go to Afghanistan, live where there is Internet. **IRIB anchor man [https://fararu.com/fa/news/970808/%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-5g-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D8%A7-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ]p *Like a rogue gang, the Iranian regime is pillaging resources that rightfully belong to the Iraqi people. Treasury will not stand idly by as Iran's military exploits Iraqi oil to fund terrorism against the United States and our partners. **[https://twitter.com/SecScottBessent/status/2052447601304178863?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Bessent] *God's order to fight Fitne. Israel is to be wiped out. Division causes failure against enemies **Imam Karaj[https://www.imna.ir/news/971477/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%AA%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%81-%D8%A7%D9%81%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ][https://www.didbaniran.ir/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-3/284228-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AE%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%AF%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Report of high Damage of internet blackout from government is greatly exaggerated. **[https://www.zoomit.ir/iran-news/459800-denies-exaggerated-internet-outage-claims/] MP of Tehran 18:28, 15 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Trump is hopeless and desperate he went to begging China for no result. He will not be satisfied until Iran is destroyed. **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2219513/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%84-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%DA%86%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%86%D8%AA%DB%8C%D8%AC%D9%87-%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA Ayatollah Imam Ardebil] (15 May 2026) *China encourages the US and Iran to continue resolving their differences and disputes, including the nuclear issue, through negotiations, and advocates the swift reopening of the Strait of Hormuz on the basis of maintaining a ceasefire **Chinese FM Wang in [https://aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/chinese-top-diplomat-urges-diplomacy-on-iran-after-trump-xi-summit/3938851] (15 May 2026) *The most important issue today is trust. We cannot trust the Americans in any way **[https://en.mehrnews.com/news/244536/Araghchi-holds-presser-in-New-Delhi], Iraqchi (15 May 2026) *We’ve taken out much of what we’d have to do, probably another two weeks, two weeks, maybe three weeks I’m very torn on it, because they lost 42,000 people in the first two weeks. I don’t really want to see that You can’t have an unarmed population against people with AK-47s The Iranian people have to have guns and I think they’re getting some guns. * As soon as they have guns, they’ll fight like as good as anybody there is. **President Trump 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~~[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605057012 ] *They can either agree to a piece of paper that is satisfactory to the United States, or they can face a punishment from our military, the likes of which has not been seen in modern history. That’s the choice that they face **Miller [https://unb.com.bd/category/World/trump-official-warns-iran-of-unprecedented-military-action-over-deal-holdout/186431 ] 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Our American issue solves when they surely get the powerfulness we have , and they can't do anything against us **Mohamed Mkokhber[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222394/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%84-%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%84-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%84-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 ] (22 May 2026) * Matchmaking booths had been set up at rallies in Tehran, allowing young men and women to register for introductions under what organizers call “easy marriage. **Fars[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605215847 ] *It's a possibility Iran we can go around ceasefire **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222363/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%DA%A9%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B3%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%B2 ] National security Islamic Cunsultative Assembly MP (22 May 2026) *Trying to prohibit Iranians in LA from bringing the Lion and Sun flag into the stadium is like trying to prevent Americans from bringing the U.S. flag into an American stadium. It would cause mass unrest. * [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] matches best illustrate the passion Iranian-Americans feel for their homeland and the contempt they feel toward the Iranian government. Waving the Lion and Sun flag is simultaneously a show of support for the national team and a protest against the regime. **[https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/7288376/2026/05/19/world-cup-fifa-iran-flag/] ''NYTimes'' (22 May 2026) * This is not good timing for me, I have a thing called Iran and other things ** Trump quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605214172#:~:text=US%20President%20Donald%20Trump%20said,called%20Iran%20and%20other%20things.%E2%80%9D ] (22 May 2026) * I laugh at all of the Dumocrats, RINOS, and Fools who know nothing about the potential deal I am making with Iran, things that haven’t even been negotiated yet. ** Trump quoted in [https://nypost.com/2026/05/25/us-news/president-trump-heralds-memorial-day-by-trashing-dumocrats-rinos-and-fools/ "Trump trashes ‘Dumocrats, RINOS and Fools’ who question his Iran plans in Memorial Day message"] ''NYPost'' (22 May 2026) *The ayatollah has been replaced by a ‘thugocracy’. **Kirk Lippold [https://www.japantimes.co.jp/commentary/2026/06/03/world/instability-powerful-political-instrument/ ][https://www.taipeitimes.com/News/editorials/archives/2026/05/21/2003857691 ][https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394301883112 ] *You lost hundreds of thousands of soldiers in these various wars. In two wars; Venezuela—where we lost nobody—and here We took over Venezuela. We essentially took over Iran. We have lost so far 13 people. Somebody else would have lost 100,000 people **[https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-iran-war-soldiers-killed Trump] * The humiliating defeat of Israel and the United States in their war on Iran, along with the savagery of the ongoing {{w|Gaza genocide|genocide in Gaza}}, are ushering in a new world order. This order is one where voices of reason and stability emanate not from the West — which spent tens of billions of dollars sustaining Israel’s genocide — but from the Global South, including China. It is an order where alliances are being rapidly reconfigured to protect countries from a rogue American state that lashes out like a wounded beast, as it spirals toward terminal decline. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://scheerpost.com/2026/05/29/the-rise-of-the-global-south/ The Rise of the Global South]." Scheerpost (29 May 2026) ===June 2026=== *Entebbe showed that a free people, if they mobilize their courage and muster their strength and their will, they could overcome the worst tyrannie **https://www.jns.org/news/israel-news/netanyahu-iran-campaign-laid-groundwork-for-fall-of-the-regime Bibi] *If they do, they suffer unbelievable consequences... the ultimate consequences, Iran will not be permitted to develop, buy, or acquire one if they want to maintain a "very good relationship" with the United States. **[https://english.tupaki.com/latest-news/trump-warning-iran-nuclear-deal-g7-statement-1492147 Trump] *If General Soleimani hadn't been killed, we probably wouldn't be talking right now. He was a mad genius. They will never be able to replace this ideologue **[https://unn.ua/en/news/trump-called-the-liquidated-soleimani-a-mad-genius-and-linked-his-death-to-the-current-deal-with-iran Trump] *So many people forget that tough guys usually lead their country to the abyss. And, you know, all the tough guys, tough guys don't realize that this wasn't a three-month deal, this was years in the making. Do you know why? Because I killed General Soleimani. **[https://unn.ua/en/news/trump-called-the-liquidated-soleimani-a-mad-genius-and-linked-his-death-to-the-current-deal-with-iran Trump] [[https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/video/economics/2026/06/17/i-was-the-one-who-killed-general-soleimani-trump/ Trump] * What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking crazy. You'd be in prison if it weren't for me. I'm saving your ass. Everybody hates you now. Everybody hates Israel because of this. * I had a very productive call with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu of Israel, and there will be no Troops going to Beirut, and any Troops that are on their way have already been turned back. ** [https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-israel-lebanon-call Trump to Bibi Netanyahu][https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-lebanon-israel-bomb-beirut "'You're fucking crazy': Trump fumes at Netanyahu in call on Lebanon"] ''Axios'' (June 1, 2026) * I don’t care if they’re over, honestly. I really don’t care. I couldn’t care less. If they’re over, they’re over. If they’re not, you know, I think they took too much time. Frankly, I think they started to get a little boring. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted on peace talks in [https://www.jezebel.com/iran-war-donald-trump-boring-bored-quote-ceasefire-negotiations-suspended-israel-lebanon "Uh Oh, Trump Is Bored with Iran Peace Talks. You Know What That Means."], ''Jezebel'' (June 2, 2026) *Well, they’ve been largely decapitated. And I call it a military exercise because people would rather have it called that. They put up a blockade and so we blockaded them *[https://fortune.com/2026/06/07/trump-iran-war-military-exercise-fighting-strait-of-hormuz-no-new-wars-promise/ Trump] *I said, ‘Bibi, you better be careful, or you will be on your own very soon, **[https://english.elpais.com/international/2026-06-09/iran-war-drives-a-wedge-between-trump-and-netanyahu.html Trump] (9 June 2026) *Iran thing it's not a big thing for us **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html?eafs_enabled=false Trump] (3 June 2026) *We have the highest stock market in history with a military conflict going on, or a war — some people call it war, some people call it a military — it’s not a big thing for us. **Trump [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html] ''New York Times'' (3 June 2026) *Communists always do well with the Voters or, as they would say, THE PEOPLE, in the Early Years! But, in the end, the Country, State, or City, GOES TO HELL! Great Violence proceeds at levels never seen before, and the entity dissolves into Poverty, Squalor, and Crime. Remember, breathtaking “Popularity” first, and then, guaranteed DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.ntd.com/trump-decries-communism-says-its-breathtaking-popularity-turns-to-death-destruction-squalor_1150163.html] ''NTD'' (4 June 2026) * It’s a different part of the world. You know, I’d say in that part of the world, a ceasefire is when you’re shooting in a more moderate manner. ** Trump quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-iran-war-nuclear-deal-f6c5007b28e596e562c88b93ee785d91 "With Trump in a holding pattern on Iran war, allies and critics worry he risks getting boxed in"], ''AP News'' (4 June 2026) *There is a reason for everything. We hit them pretty hard the night before and actually last night. And when it was explained to me, I said, ‘all right, so we'll do that.’ But we've been hitting them pretty hard. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/live-updates/trump-iran-war-attacks-kuwait-airport-israel-hezbollah-ceasefire/ Trump] (4 June 2026) *Yesterday, in a meaningless vote, the House voted, 4 bad Republicans and all of the Dumocrats, to limit my War Powers, right in the middle of my final negotiations to end the War with the Islamic Republic of Iran. Who would do such an unpatriotic thing. They know where the negotiations stand. The Democrats are fueled by Trump Derangement Syndrome. They would rather have our Country fail than give me another, of many, victories. The four Republicans, that’s a whole other story - They’re GRANDSTANDERS! They should be ashamed of themselves. MAGA!!! President DJT **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-trump-ceasefire-kuwait-israel-lebanon-b2989234.html], ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *If people are stupid, we’ll end up in something where we have to wipe out an entire infrastructure of a nation **[https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-dealmaker-chief-reputation-comes-100000144.html Trump] (10 June 2026) *The Fake News Media refuses to report how EFFECTIVE the U.S. Naval BLOCKADE is, the most successful Blockade in the history of Naval Warfare. NOTHING GETS THROUGH unless we want it to. IT IS A STEEL WALL! Iran is doing ZERO business, not paying their military, or any of their bills, and quickly becoming a FAILED NATION! Lots of oil is getting out. Praise be to Allah! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725591109474316] (10 June 2026) *Iran’s Military is a complete and total mess. Much of it, like their Navy and Air Force, doesn’t even exist anymore - They have been completely defeated. Iran is all talk and no action. The Bully of the Middle East is DEAD!!! They’ve taken too long to negotiate a deal that would have been great for them, now they will have to pay the price!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725476229257491] (10 June 2026) *Last month, I directed our Great U.S. Military to execute a secret mission to support Oil Tankers and other Commercial Ships through the Straight of Hormuz. Today, I am pleased to announce that this effort has resulted in more than 100 MILLION Barrels of Oil making its way through the Straight, and into the Open Market. More than 200 Commercial Ships have safely traveled through the Strait. This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran. Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP" ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-oil-war-b2993489.html Trump to Iran: I just took your oil] ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela, which is working out brilliantly for both Venezuela and the United States of America. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116731447139970106 *The Iranian regime will lose the zero-sum game it is playing. Any damage it inflicts on our allies in the Gulf will be paid for with funds extracted from Iranian Accounts. Any tolls paid to the Persian Gulf Strait Authority will be offset by funds extracted from their accounts. Every attack Iran launches will only deepen the economic and financial consequences it faces ** [[Scott Bessent]] in [https://nitter.poast.org/Osint613/status/2065076195729793113#m Tweet] (10 June 2026) * The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. {{br}} I hereby fully authorize the toll free opening of the Strait of Hormuz, and, simultaneously herewith, authorize the immediate removal of the United States Naval blockade.{{br}}'''Ships of the World, start your engines. Let the oil flow!''' ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cj0grpyg4v1t "Iran and US agree deal to end war as Trump says Strait of Hormuz will be reopened"], ''BBC News'' (15 June 2026) * The terms that Iran leaked out to the Fake News have NOTHING to do with the terms that were agreed to, in writing. What they said, including their weak and pathetic statement on having a deal, bears no relation to the truth. Very dishonorable people to deal with. With them, there is no such thing as dealing in good faith. AMAZING! Also, their totally rebuffed Drone attack last night against Indian Ships leaving the Hormuz Strait is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. They better get their act together, and FAST! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116737418354503074 Trump post] (Jun 12, 2026) * As you have been informed, a memorandum of understanding was signed between the presidents of Iran and the United States of America.{{br}}In the course of reaching this stage, the officials in charge, out of sincere concern and goodwill, made extensive efforts—and of course, it was the American president who, out of desperation, used all kinds of leverage to bring this about. ** [[Mojtaba Khamenei]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * We expect a complete ceasefire on all fronts, including [[Lebanon]], [[Hezbollah]], and Israel, ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * He's been an amazing prime minister, but we have a little dispute over Lebanon...we're the big partner and he's the small partner, that's true. ** Trump, referring to [[Bibi Netanyahu]], quoted in [https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-belittles-netanyahu-small-partner-163100000.html "Trump belittles Netanyahu as 'small partner' after 'dispute' exposed between leaders"], ''AOL'' (Jun 17, 2026) * You don't have to knock down a building every time someone walks into it that's from Hezbollah. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * It's not our money, it's their money, and we froze it. At a certain point in time, I guess we're going to have to give it back. ** Trump quoted on the return of Iranian assets frozen during the war in: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * We’ve now fought a war, spent billions and billions of dollars, you know, put enormous strain on our military. A lot of people have died. And it feels like we’re back where we were before we started the war, except maybe a little bit worse off. ** [[Barack Obama]], [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/obama-us-may-worse-now-iran-war-rcna350733 "Obama says U.S. may be ‘worse off’ now than before Iran war"], nbcnews.com (June 19, 2026) == See also == * [[Iran]] * [[Israel]] * [[Middle East]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Might makes right]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [https://www.bbc.com BBC coverage of 2026 Iran conflict] * [https://www.aljazeera.com/news Al Jazeera: Iran crisis coverage] [[Category:2026]] [[Category:2020s in Iran]] [[Category:Wars and battles]] [[Category:Arab-Israeli conflict]] sjuld0ii3jcekplo7sdhajg7d1hmoow 3955201 3955198 2026-06-22T04:04:53Z Baratiiman 842201 3955201 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Trump -- United States of the Middle East -- map of Iran.jpg|thumb|United States of the Middle East?[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116624042090139559 ]]][[File:2026-04-07 Trump – A whole civilization will die tonight 2026-04-07 192815.png|thumb|Based on the fact that discussions with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved, I have, as President of the United States of America, cancelled the scheduled strikes and bombings against Iran this evening. Discussions and final points have been, in both concept and great detail, approved by all parties involved, including the United States, Israel, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Turkey, Pakistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan, Egypt, and others. The Naval Blockade will remain in full force and effect until this Transaction is finalized — Time and place of the signing to be announced shortly. DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116732652997120164 ]]][[File:IRGC Seal Chest Badge.svg|thumb|Borderless fighters are overseeing your transit chokepoints. If necessary, others will also come Continue your aggression and they will seize your throat] ~ CmdrGeneralQaani [https://www.tasnimnews.ir/en/news/2026/06/09/3612261/resistance-s-new-security-belt-extends-from-hormuz-to-bab-el-mandeb-irgc-quds-force-chief ]]][[File:Dedication Stone De Becker Memorial Chapel American College.jpg|thumb|We Must Recommit to One Nation Under God.Therefore, we must restore the military draft Being a citizen of the United States gives us unparalleled freedoms and opportunities that are the envy of the world. However, these freedoms that we cherish do not come without a cost [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/celebrity/articles/comedian-rob-schneider-proposes-military-184035757.html?guccounter=1 Schneider]]][[File:Achaemenid cylinder seal showing 2 scenes. An Achaemenid king before 2 sphinxes (below god Ahura Mazda). Supernatural creature fighting 2 ibexes. 6th-4th century BCE. From Hillah, Iraq. British Museum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Straits of Hormuz are named after Ahura Mazda from Zoroastrianism [https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/2063866701356089711#m Musk]]][[File:Imam Khamenei with his son, Ayatollah Sayyid Mojtaba Khamenei.jpg|thumb|Younger. I think more rational. Wounded. He is quite seriously wounded. There is a certain bravery in that ~[https://news.am/en/news/1041776 Trump]]][[File:Abdul_Rahman_Mosque_in_March_2010.jpg|thumb|There is women with manteaus being thrown out of mosques but they are now the ones waving flag [https://www.tabnak.ir/fa/news/1375015/%D9%BE%D8%B2%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%AF-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%85%E2%80%8C%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C%E2%80%8C%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF Pezeshkia]]][[File:Comintern Logo.svg|thumb|Cuba has collapsed. We will handle that as soon as we take care of the Islamic Republic of IranWe will take good care of them. We will let them go back to their land, invest in Cuba, and be with their families. We have very good plan… then on our way back, we’ll make a little brief stop These are unbelievable people. Energetic. Entrepreneurial. Some of the richest people in Miami are Cuban[https://en.cibercuba.com/noticias/2026-06-05-u1-e199894-s27061-nid331291-trump-asegura-cubanos-quieren-presencia-estados Trump]]] [[File:Abbas Araghchi in a interview with khamenei.ir (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|The building where we were sitting was targeted, but the wing we were in remained intact , After returning from the Geneva negotiations on Friday, I went to his office at 9 a.m. on Saturday to present my report, My report was about the negotiations and the atmosphere that emerged on Friday, which made the possibility of war much greater, When I got out from under the rubble, I was only thinking about whether he had been the target of the strike or not ~Iraqchi[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606047013 ]]][[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting “I surrender, I surrender” while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary “Documents of Surrender,” and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent U.S.A., The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close ~ Trump[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605262547 ]]][[File:Official portrait of Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (borderless) (cropped).jpg|thumb|We have seized about a billion dollars of their crypto, Just outright grabbed the wallets. I think between five and a half-six weeks of an incredibly successful military campaign and then Operation Economic Fury, where we have really cut them off … they are at the end of their tether now financially. We didn't have regime change but we changed the regime, on one side, we have a theocracy with the clerics. On the other side, we have a thug autocracy with the IRGC. And you've got to convince both sides.[https://www.foxbusiness.com/media/scott-bessent-says-us-seized-roughly-1b-iranian-crypto-regime-nears-end-tether ~Bessent]]][[File:Official portrait of Secretary Marco Rubio (cropped)(2).jpg|thumb|One of the things you'll find pretty consistently in every totalitarian system is that they want to control the ability of their citizens to communicate with one another ~Rubio [https://x.com/StateDept/status/2062260777348718963 ]]] [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Blockade Plus : Sustain the blockade and accompanying economic warfare to destabilize the regime’s hold on the state; remake the world in America’s energy dominance image to mitigate long-term price impacts while undermining China’s global ambition to defeat the United States; and order the US military to forge a path through the Strait of Hormuz to restore freedom of navigation [https://nypost.com/2026/05/01/opinion/heres-how-to-crush-tehran-in-three-moves/ ]]] [[File:Pirate Flag of Jack Rackham.svg|thumb|We took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business . . . We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates. - Trump[https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/]]] [[File:Flag of the United States Secretary of the Army.svg|thumb|God is good~Hegseth[https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/06/politics/hegseth-trump-iran-war-easter-christianity-analysis ]]][[File:TrinityDetonation1945GIF.gif|thumb|If there's no ceasefire, you're just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. President DJT[https://www.skynews.com.au/world-news/united-states/one-big-glow-coming-out-of-iran-trumps-wild-threat-as-he-hints-peace-deal-talks-might-collapse/video/8a668c00deaff3d27568bc78441e4a29 ]]] [[File:Seal_of_the_Army_of_the_Guardians_of_the_Islamic_Revolution.svg|thumb|Having an atomic bomb is used to scare the enemy, and we should not use this bomb on the people in any way, unless it happens.[http://didbaniran.ir/fa/tiny/news-281553 Nataj]]][[File:Donald Trump OEF.jpg|thumb|Trump: "I think the war is very complete, pretty much" (Mar 9th)]] [[File:Shajareh_Tayyebeh_school_in_Minab_photos_from_Mehr_(12).jpg|thumb|The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, {{w|2026 Minab school attack|a few weeks ago}}, you bomb the schools, you bomb the hospitals. - [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]] [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/] ]] On 28 February 2026, [[Israel]] and the [[United States]] launched a '''[[w:2026 Iran War|coordinated joint attack]]''' on multiple sites in [[Iran]], sparking a major conflict. The operation, codenamed '''Operation Roaring Lion''' and '''Operation Epic Fury''' by the [[w:United States Department of Defense|U.S. Department of Defense]], targeted senior Iranian officials, military command centers, and key strategic facilities, with the declared aim of [[w:regime change|regime change]]. The attack included the [[w:Assassination of Ali Khamenei|assassination]] of Iran’s second [[w:Supreme Leader of Iran|Supreme Leader]], [[Ali Khamenei]]. The strikes began in the cities of [[Tehran]], [[w:Isfahan|Isfahan]], [[w:Qom|Qom]], [[w:Karaj|Karaj]], and [[w:Kermanshah|Kermanshah]]. Several Iranian government figures were killed, including [[w:Ali Shamkhani|Ali Shamkhani]], the secretary of the [[w:Supreme National Security Council|Supreme National Security Council]]. Witnesses reported explosions across multiple regions. Israeli Defense Minister [[w:Israel Katz|Israel Katz]] confirmed that the [[w:Israel Defense Forces|Israel Defense Forces]] had conducted the strikes. [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]], in a video posted on [[w:Truth Social|Truth Social]], announced that the United States had joined Israel in launching attacks against Iran. In retaliation, Iranian forces launched dozens of [[w:Unmanned aerial vehicles in the Iranian military|drones]] and [[w:ballistic missiles|ballistic missiles]] across the [[w:Persian Gulf|Persian Gulf]], targeting Israel as well as U.S. military installations in [[Jordan]], [[Kuwait]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Qatar]], [[Iraq]], [[Saudi Arabia]], and the [[United Arab Emirates]]. [[File:Khamenei last end year 5458884.jpg|thumb|The newly supreme appointed leader should deliver message of the peace to world and declare new era in Iran , a historic neccessity to free political prisoners and declare public general amnesty for those that haven't collaborated in killing Iranians and/or 2026 Iran massacres [https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198657-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D9%87%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%BA%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%81%D9%88-%D8%B9%D9%85%D9%88%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%84%D9%88%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A2%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%86%DB%8C-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B6%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ]]][[File:Mojtaba Khamenei 2019.jpg|thumb|Well, they [CIA] did say [He's gay], but I don’t know if it was only them. I think a lot of people are saying that. Which puts him off to a bad start in that particular country[https://www.firstpost.com/world/a-bad-start-in-iran-trump-says-cia-told-him-mojtaba-khamenei-is-gay-13993618.html Trump]]][[File:Flag of the Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf.svg|thumb|Trump is hysterical and struggling with last final breaths. Americans are at the end of their rope. Enemy is caught in desperate swamp...Netanyahu pumped up US to attack, we will exact vengeance...Trump you are a retarded person, ...we are funneling through pass of war,... Iranians have civilization, countries of region are acting like cuckold pimps... Trump says some people within of our military have defected give us 2 of these people names to us[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421052/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%82%D8%A8-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF ~Larijani][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421726/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B3-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AE%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%88 ][https://farsnews.ir/mohammadreza_dehghan/1772912586911483130/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ]]][[File:State_flag_of_Iran_(1964%E2%80%931980).svg|thumb|Seventeen 17 cities of Caucasian Iran was separated from Iran by Tsar Russia. We are reborn from ashes of Mongol invasion and Timurid.[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77413081/%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9 ]]] == Quotes == <small>Please add quotes in chronological order</small> ===Feb 2026=== * Will someone please tell [[Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo]] that Iran has killed at least 42,000 innocent, completely unarmed, protesters in the last two months? **[https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/iran-us-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-updates/card/trump-criticizing-pope-says-iran-killed-at-least-42-000-protesters-gtRzVnxAMEMeQ8b5ygR2 Trump] *I guess the worst case would be five years we do this and somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/03/us/politics/trump-iran-leaders.html Trump] *We have lost our great leader, and we deeply mourn him. We'll severely punish the perpetrators. , with an exceptionally severe, decisive, and painful punishment. We'll resolutely confront domestic and foreign conspiracies and punish the aggressors. **[https://baike.baidu.com/en/item/Grand%20Ayatollah%20Seyyed%20Ali%20Khamenei/1512308#4-5:~:text=On-,February%2028%2C%202026,-%2C%20local%20time%2C%20Iranian IRGC]15:27, 28 Febr 2026 (UTC)~ *Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand… Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere . when we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for **Trump [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack PRESIDENT TRUMP's message to the great people of Iran ..] *firm of heart against the disbelievers, compassionate among themselves. **Khamenei quoted Quran[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77473280/%D8%A3%D8%B4%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D9%81%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87%D9%85 ] *There's a special place in hell reserved for pro-Trump Iranians. **IRGC Mashre Dimitri Lascaris [https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177328434067132 ] *400,000 armed people are ready to go to revolt against the United States government system **Gen Araste[https://www.ettelaat.com/news/140255/%DB%B4%DB%B0%DB%B0-%D9%87%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF#ref=shahrekhabar ] *Russia and China will win the war not just Iran **IRGC Gen RahimSafavi[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177326496039426 ] *We have arm around Americans neck we will be slapping it when it moves **IRGC Gen Mohsen rezai[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77471755/%D9%85%D8%AD%D8%B3%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%BE%D8%B4%D8%AA-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AA%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%DB%8C%DA%A9 ] *If anyone comes to street they are seen as enemies and not as protestors.All our kids are putting their finger on triggers all alleys , streets , city squares belong to Police, special units and The IRGC Basij. **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Ahmed Radan[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462710/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D9%88-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%B6 ] * I can see that the peace deal is within our reach... if we... allow [[diplomacy]] the space it needs to get there... I don't think any alternative to diplomacy is going to solve this problem. ...The [[heart]] of this deal is very important and ...we have captured that heart. ...[I]f the ultimate objective is to ensure forever, that Iran cannot have a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear bomb]] ...we have cracked that problem ...[W]e are talking about zero stockpiling ...[I]f you cannot stockpile material that is enriched ...there is no way you can ...create a bomb ...and ...equally important ...full and comprehensive verification by the [[w:International Atomic Energy Agency|IAEA]] ...The current stockpiles ...will be down-blended to the lowest level possible ...and converted into fuel that ...will be irreversible. ...I am ...confident ...that even the United States inspectors will have access at some point ...if we have a deal that is respected, and fair, and ...durable ...We have agreed, in general, to discuss economic and security cooperation between Iran and its neighbors, and set up a process of dialogue that will ...start the elements of building confidence, ...a rapport, a process that can ...lead ...to an understanding on all these ...areas of concern ...on the Iranian side, and ...on the [[w:Gulf Cooperation Council|GCC]] side. ...Broad terms, ...the politics, the ...main issues ...can be agreed [upon] tomorrow. The technicalities will take some time to work... out with... the IAEA. ...[T]hat can also be done ...relatively quickly, because a lot of this ...groundwork was done years ago, and it's ...in place. ...The substantial progress... is... far more than any time before. We just need that bit of extra time to close the deal. ** {{w|Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi}}, "Oman's foreign minister says U.S.-Iran nuclear 'deal is within our reach'" (Feb 27, 2026) ''{{w|Face the Nation}}'' statements prior to the US-Israeli attacks. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5sXQDR8NY&t=38s A Youtube video source.] *Mahdi is with us and in charge of Umma, he has through Assembly of Experts introduced Ayatallah Mojtaba Khamenei **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328896/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B9%D8%AC-%D9%88%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%86%DA%A9%D8%AA%D9%87 Hossein Shariatmadare] *The revolution will not sit down until flag of Mahdi is raised on all corners of earth **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328901/%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87%E2%80%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA Hossein Shariatmadare] *To save his soldiers Trump has gone to Volodymir Zelensky president-clown of Ukraine for aid **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328922/%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%AF%D9%84%D9%82%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF Hossein Shariatmadare] *War's balance changed and Islamic Republic of Iran has the upper hand, there won't be a negotiatons any country who helps America will be targeted as enemy **[https://tasnimnews.ir/fa/news/1404/12/19/3537514/%D9%85%D9%88%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%AA-90-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%B5%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D9%87%D9%BE%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B9-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ICA] *A vessel has passed through Hormuz strait , an United States (US) military navy escorted her. In Playstation **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461463/%D9%88%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%B9%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%BA%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87 ] *We have only just begun our missiles have left utter ruin and destruction ,Netanyahu won't let you see **Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462291/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B9-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Our enemy is the stupidest idiot. Our defense system is an ideology not just a defense system, while when we hit Haifa their people were begging for car gas **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Achmed Radan [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77460868/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%82-%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF ] *Your children shall read Quran while sitting by the missile launchers tonight. **Gen Mousavi [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461610/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A8-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86%DA%86%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF ] [[File:HIMARS Support Operation Epic Fury (9564974).jpg|thumb|Operation Epic Fury]] ===Mar 2026=== *I can't tell I may have a plan or I may not, Marco would put me on a helicopter. **Trump [https://news.meaww.com/video/marco-would-put-me-on-a-helicopter-trump-jokes-on-kharg-island-question-says-i-cant-tell ] *All vessels shall not pass Hormuz Strait **IRGCN Gen Ali Tangsiri[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6771339/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D9%87%DB%8C%DA%86-%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AA%D8%A8%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%AA%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2 ] *How much of a cuckold is American president, Australian police has taken our girls out of the hotel and forced and made them to apply for asylum **Mehdi Taj Chairman National Football Federation[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77458637/%D9%85%D9%87%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%85%D9%87%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%86%D9%87-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AC ] *We are prepared to wage war against America for next at least another 10 year **IRGC Gen Jabari[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449662/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%DA%A9%D9%84-%D8%B3%D9%BE%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D9%85%D8%B7%D9%84%D8%B9-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%D9%88%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D9%87 ] *Iran is the conscious of the humanity, its real dignity and glory. It is chosen people fighting for the Victory of the Light. It it Ormuzd, Ishraq. Mahdi people. **Dugin Alexander[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77392273/%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D9%88%DA%AF%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86 ] *The recent war is between good and evil **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77432191/%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D9%88-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B7%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ] *Like thunder we will strike Haifa **IRGC Gen Seid mousavi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449498/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D9%84%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AD%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87 ] * Iran’s leaders before the attack had been clear that they were willing to negotiate on the nuclear question. Talks were ongoing... There had appeared to be a good basis for agreement, given... an Iranian government that... was not in a position to enrich uranium... for the foreseeable future. ...Americans ...were deeply unhappy with the results of America’s last big wars of {{w|regime change}} ...[[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|in Afghanistan]] [[Iraq War|and Iraq]]. At the beginning of this joint [[w:2026 Iran war|US–Israel campaign against Iran]], only about a third of Americans supported the adventure... ** Dana Allin, "US politics and the war against Iran" (Mar 2, 2026) [https://www.iiss.org/online-analysis/online-analysis/2026/02/the-us-israel-campaign-in-iran/ "The US-Israel campaign in Iran"] @[[w:International Institute for Strategic Studies|IISS]].org *This is a war that should end it once and for all. ::[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6764020/%D9%86%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AF ICA] (Mar 2 2026) *Our Brave and Powerful Armed Forces will avenge each and every Iranian mother, , father, and child who has been targeted by hostile forces. **foreign minister Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77405403/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA ] *There is no shelter you can be safe **[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177298212045678 IRGC text] *We will fill Americans' coffins there is no end to war unless they fully surrender. **IRGC operations mission statement[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77389339 ] *Trump is more than 500 Americans killed dead America first or israel first. Inshallah Khamenei killing has heavy price **Larijani[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77384703/%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%AD%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8-%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%87%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DB%8C%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] * Irregardless of cost. Not unlike United States of America. Same as Iran has not in past 300 years started wars, Iran is ready for long war. ** [[w:Ali Larijani|Ali Larijani]], Secretary of the Supreme National Security Council of Iran. [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77359057 Source (in Persian)] *Now that we have baited America do not make ceasefire and/or peace we must destroy them ::Ayatallah Panahian[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388174/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%BE%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%86%D9%BE%D8%B0%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AF ] *From us Iranian people only President son Aga Yusuf Pezeshkian and his buddies have internet connection. ::[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388864/%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%81%D9%82%D8%B7-%D8%A2%D9%82%D8%A7-%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B4-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Payamemam] * These attacks from Israel and the United States... were unprovoked. There was no immanent threat. Many would interpret this war to be an illegal war. ** Evaleila Pesaran, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJnVYpbKuM&t=600s "The war with Iran: An expert analysis"] (Mar 2, 2026) Youtube video from [[University of Cambridge|Cambridge University]] channel. * I see no indication that ...those institutions are weak or fraying or that you can destroy ...[them] from the air. ...[T]his administration is trying to justify the war the same way [[Jackson Pollock]] used to paint. You just throw a bucket of reasons up against the canvas and hope the result looks good. ...Iranian missiles ... [as] a threat to the United States... falls short of the truth by about 4,000 miles ...[I]f we're doing preventative wars now to prevent countries that might one day be a threat, is [[North Korea]]... [[China]]... [[Russia]] in line? I don't think so. ...I can't make head or tails out of the reason this administration has put forward for this war. ** [[w:Alan Eyre (diplomat)|Alan Eyre]], "Expert panel breaks down U.S. objectives in Iran war" (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|PBS News Hour}}''. * Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) * If the [[Precedents|precedent]] that is being set is, "Any country with super * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' *The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, a few weeks ago, you {{w|2026 Minab school attack|bomb the schools}}, you bomb the hospitals. That’s American policy in foreign countries. It’s most visible in the case of Israeli policy, in Gaza, and now the West Bank as well. And it is the same policy that the United States has followed in Iran. ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/ "The war on Iran is transforming the global economy: Economist Michael Hudson explains how"] (Mar 29, 2026) @Geopolitical Economy Report * Whenever a state chooses to go to [[war]]... you have to ask—where is the [[w:Intelligence assessment|intelligence]] on the threat? ...[T]he Trump administration ...in hurry mode ...chose to set [[diplomacy]] aside, despite the fact that the [mediating] [[w:Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi#Diplomatic career|Omani foreign minister]] ...was convinced that remarkable progress had been made on the issue of [[Nuclear program of Iran|Iranian nuclear weapons]] ...[T]wo other arguments for the war: that the US faced an imminent threat from [[Iran]], and that Iran’s {{w|ballistic missile}} capability threatened the United States. Scratch this last claim—it’s simply not [[Truth|true]] ...Why would a much-weakened [[Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Republic]] pose an "imminent threat" ..? [[Marco Rubio]] has come forward with an absurd argument ...Does anyone truly believe that Israel would go it alone ...without US backing, that the operation was not jointly planned? ...This is all desperate [[storytelling]], not intelligence. ** {{w|Wesley Wark}}, "[https://thewalrus.ca/iran-foreign-policy-experts/ Eight Experts on What You’re Not Being Told about the War in Iran:] The questions that aren’t making it into the battlefield dispatches" (Mar 3, 2026) @''{{w|The Walrus}}'' * Ironically, the greatest beneficiaries of the United States’ grave [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]]s of [[international law]] are the very actors whom, under normal circumstances, Washington would be seeking to restrain: [[Moscow]] will be emboldened to continue its barbaric [[w:Russo-Ukrainian war|assault on Ukraine]], while [[China]] will feel empowered to move on [[Taiwan]]. ** [[w:Stephanie Turco Williams|Stephanie T. Williams]], "Flying blind" (March 2, 2026) [https://www.brookings.edu/articles/after-the-strike-the-danger-of-war-in-iran/ "After the strike: The danger of war in Iran"] [[w:Brookings Institution|Brookings]]. * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} *It's going to be... tempting for countries to think that in a world where there are no rules.., no [[w:Law of war|rules of war]], where that [[w:Liberal international order|post-war liberal order]], imperfect as it was, is now completely being disregarded.., that makes the world more dangerous for all of us. ...[T]here was an [[order]] of some kind ...a view that a degree of [[w:Consensus decision-making|international consensus]] was necessary ...before ...[[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervening in foreign countries]]. There were rules of war... [A]ll of us need to be... very thoughtful about supporting the creation of a world where anything goes, and [[might makes right]]. ...[[United States|America]] is still the preeminent [[power]], the {{w|superpower}}, the global [[Hegemony|hegemon]]. ...I hope this is a moment for Americans to reflect on the facts that the rules-based international order, which did act as a constraint on American power, also provided America with some meaningful [[protection]]. ** [[Chrystia Freeland]], Chrystia Freeland on Iran, Ukraine, and Global Power Shifts | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}'' (Mar 3, 2026) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlj_beVDuxg&t=196s 3:16.] * [I]f it's... possible that there are about to be acts of [[terrorism]] by [[Iran]] inside the United States, how can [[United States Congress|Congress]] continue to blockade funds for the [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Department of Homeland Security]] until it gets [[reform]]s... including an end to the [[lying]]..? You're going to see a real press by the [[Second presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] to say, "Release the funds and let the Department... resume... operations.., including falsely calling people terrorists if they operate a camera near an immigration agent." You're going to see attacks on the [[freedom of the press]]. This administration... regards it as illegal, criminal, for reporters simply to ask questions of [[The Pentagon|Pentagon employees]]... Only the designated leaders... get to speak... and if they're... saying things that look like they might not be [[Truth|true]], you can't second guess or question them. We have had many instances... of false indications of [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|emergency powers]]. The whole [[w:Tariffs in the second Trump administration|tariff nonsense]]... rested on [[Falsehood|false claims]] of the president... about economic emergency. ...[N]ow there's a real [[war]].., a real risk of terrorist activity... That's a much more plausible emergency.., and... what [[Courts|court]] will say, "We don't think you're telling the truth about this either"? ...So there will be new assertions of emergency power... [P]eople who have the president's ear have been urging him to use emergency powers against the [[w:2026 United States elections|elections of 2026]]. The possibility of that... are much higher today... than... a week ago. ...We're moving into extraordinary danger to democratic institutions. The [[w:2026 Iran war|war in Iran]]... is an urgent [[w:Domestic policy of the second Trump administration|domestic policy]] question... a massive grant of power to a president and administration that have proven... that they will [[Abuse of power|abuse any powers]] that they are en[[trust]]ed with. ** [[David Frum]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=190s No Exit from Trump's War:] with Tom Nichols" The David Frum Show. A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. (Mar 4 2026) *"Senate votes down resolution to stop Trump from continuing war with Iran" (Mar 4, 2026) **<small>''{{w|The Independent}}''. [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/senate-iran-war-vote-trump-powers-resolution-b2932221.html Source.]</small> *Nobody gets to hide and give the president an easy pass or an end-run around the Constitution. Everybody's got to declare whether they're for this war or against it. ** Sen. [[Tim Kaine]] *War is ugly, it always has been ugly, but we're taking out a regime that has been trying to attack us for quite some time. ** Sen. [[Markwayne Mullin]] *I learned when I was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, that when elites in Washington bang the war drums, pound their chest, talk about the costs of war and act tough, they're not talking about them doing it, they're not talking about their kids. They're talking about working class kids like us. ** Rep. [[Jason Crow]] * Why are we going into Iran? ...[I]t is the president's [[wikt:vainglory#Noun|vainglory]]. He thinks he's on a roll, that... this is easy to do; that you can [[w:2026 United States intervention in Venezuela|knock off dictatorships like Venezuela]], and then have a parade; that this solves a lot of his problems. It gets people not talking about the [[Epstein files]]. ...[A] huge chunk of [[Donald Trump]]'s [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] is rooted in trying to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files. ...[H]e is that [[wikt:narrow-minded#Adjective|narrow]] and [[wikt:crass#Adjective|crass]]. ...Now he's going to say he's a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|war president]]. That means you can't criticize me... I can stomp on the press... I can declare a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|national emergency]]. ...As the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|British Parliament]] said... in [~]1944... "This is not a propitious time for an [[Elections|election]]." ...[[wikt:mischief#Noun|[M]ischief]] comes with a war because... presidential war powers... become almost unchallengeable. ** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=797s Trump’s War With Iran and a New Danger at Home] | The [[David Frum]] Show (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. *[[Donald Trump|The president]] was not going to be just another president on a very long list who sat back and stood by and passed the buck of this direct threat to the next administration. The president had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States, was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. **[[Karoline Leavitt]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html "Karoline Leavitt insists Trump had a ‘feeling based on fact’ before Iran strikes but still won’t detail imminent threat to US"]], ''The Independent'' (05 March 2026) *[T]o take on the extraordinary risks... without having made the case with the American people.., citing immanent threats that aparently don't exist... that's problematic, and the chances of unintended consequences... are... very serious... [W]e're... using.., in many cases very expensive weapons to take down $20,000 drones. That's not a good equation... over time. ...I'm worried about ...second and third order consequences ...we so deplete our arsenal, and it takes a long time to rebuild ...puts us in a disadvantageous position when it comes to ...a [[China]] or ...[[Russia]]. ...[M]uch as ...everyone should want to see a change... it may simply ...reinforce the [[Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps|IRGC]] ...[I]t's very hard to produce regime change from outside. You can't bomb your way to it. ...The [[wikt:red flag#Noun|red flag]] ...is that this could be [[Syrian civil war|Syria]] [[wikt:redux#Noun|redux]] or ...[[Libyan Crisis (2011–present)|Libya]] redux ...the country fracturing, imploding or even exploding with [[refugee]]s and [[w:International migration|migration]].., [[Extremism|extremist]] groups taking hold... It's incredibly ...[[dangerous]]. ...[I]t's never too late for [[diplomacy]]. ...<br />[W]hen [[Russia]] is ...reaching a weak point because of its dependence on oil to fuel its war economy ...they get a lifeline, ...the price of oil is going up. The [[Europe|Europeans]], in having moved away from Russian gas, are now more dependent on the [[Middle East]]. ...If the {{w|Strait of Hormuz}} gets tied up ...that's ...a lot of pressure ...So mapping out, gaming out, planning out and ...making sure you have something in place to deal with ...second and third order effects is ...important, and it's not ...clear ...that was done ...There's been a shifting rationale ...[or] explanation for why this, why now? ...That's why it's so important to have ...laid this out before the American people, and our partners and allies. We might have had less friction with them if there was a compelling case ...and had them on the take-off, not mid-flight or on the landing. ** [[Antony Blinken]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHgG-lkOi6w&t=74s "Former Secretary of State on the Two Keys to Ending Iran War"] (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from the [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]] Podcasts channel. *Majority of Experts Assembly has come to pick next leader who is Seid. **Dirbaz[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764537-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C ] (Mar 8 2026) * Unprovoked attacks by the [[United States|US]] and [[Israel]]... violate the fundamental prohibition on the use of [[force]], [[Sovereignty|sovereign]] [[equality]], {{w|territorial integrity}}, and the [[duty]] to [[Peace|peacefully]] settle disputes... They also violate the {{w|right to life}}... We cannot pick and choose when [[international law]] applies. Unlawful [[military]] [[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervention]] is not a solution... These attacks do not strike military abstractions – they strike people... {{w|Civilian}}s are bearing the brunt of this war... In a country that has already lost thousands to [[Violence|violent]] [[Political repression|repression]]... these attacks deepen... profound human [[tragedy]]... The targeting of civilians, educational facilities, and medical institutions constitutes a grave violation of [[international humanitarian law]] and [[w:International human rights law|human rights law]]... Any path forward must be grounded in the [[rule of law]], the will of the [[Iranians|Iranian people]], and full accountability for the [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]] of international law, by all parties... ** {{w|Mai Sato}}, [[w:Cecilia Bailliet|Cecilia M. Bailliet]], {{w|Astrid Puentes Riaño}}, {{w|Alexandra Xanthaki}}, {{w|Farida Shaheed}}, Surya Deva, {{w|Margaret Satterthwaite}}, {{w|Gina Romero}}, Nicolas Levrat, [[w:Richard Bennett (UN)|Richard Bennett]], Tomoya Obokata, [[w:Mary Lawlor (human rights advocate)|Mary Lawlor]], {{w|Ben Saul}}, {{w|Alice Jill Edwards}}, [[Francesca Albanese]], Morris Tidball-Binz, {{w|Siobhán Mullally}}, Gabriella Citroni, Grażyna Baranowska, Aua Baldé, Ana Lorena Delgadillo Pérez, {{w|Bina D'Costa}}, {{w|Claudia Flores}}, Ivana Krstić, {{w|Dorothy Estrada-Tanck}}, Haina Lu, [[Reem Alsalem]], {{w|Paula Gaviria Betancur}}, Elizabeth Salmón, Mariana Katzarova (Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, volunteer Special Rapporteurs/Independent Experts/Working Groups) [https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2026/03/iran-un-experts-call-de-escalation-and-accountability "Iran: UN experts call for de-escalation and accountability"] (Mar 4, 2026) [[w:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|OHCHR]]. * [[Mohammed bin Salman|The Crown Prince]] and other [[w:Arab states of the Persian Gulf|Gulf]] leaders have been urging America not to undertake military action against Iran, because all of us believe... action will not remain confined to Iran; that Iran will retaliate against American in the area, which is present in all of the Gulf states, and as far away as [[Turkey]]... They've been warning the Americans not to undertake military action and suffer the consequences. ...I don't think the system in Iran will collapse any time soon. ...Iranian leadership has been preparing for an eventuality like this, because of what they have continued to hear from [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Mr. Netanyahu]] in the past 40 years. He has been calling for the destruction of Iran, and so the Iranians... have been preparing themselves for such an eventuality. ...The only way the system will go... is through the Iranian people. ** {{w|Turki bin Faisal Al Saud}}, "Fmr. Saudi Intelligence Chief Discusses Gulf States' Reaction to Iran Attacks | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}''" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfGcX4XuZ5A&t=62s 1:02,] 5:08. * Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever been hit before.., THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! ** [[Donald J. Trump]], post on Truth Social, "Trump warns Iran of unprecedented force if it retaliates" (Feb 28, 2026) {{w|Reuters}}. *I think the war is very complete, pretty much. [Iran has] no navy, no communications, they've got no air force. Their missiles are down to a scatter. Their drones are being blown up all over the place, including their manufacturing of drones. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says 'the war is very complete,' and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"], ''CBS News'' (Mar 9 2026) *US officials are posting fake news to manipulate narkets. It won't protect them from inflationary tsunami they've imposed on Americans Markets are facing biggest shortfall in HISTORY bigger than Arab Oil Embargo, Kuwait **[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D9%84%D9%84-17/764878-%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AC%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 Mr Iraqchi] (Mar 10 2026) *If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again - Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them - But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2031167037620236703 Trump on TruthSocial] (10 March 2026) *Most definitely we are not seeking ceasefire we will break zionist life cycle of war-negotiations-ceasefire and then war again forever **Moahamedbagher Ghabilaf[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764797-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86- %D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] (Mar 10 2026) *Take Bahrain back! Annex it **MP Aytallah Resaei Hamid[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200147-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D9%86%D9%85%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%BE%D8%B3-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ], 12 March 2026 *I have seen his body after martyred, I heard he clenched his fist.You people have led the country. The will of the masses is to continue the effective and regrettable defense. Certainly, the leverage of blocking the Strait of Hormuz should still be used. Neighboring countries must make their position clear to the aggressors against our country... In any case, we will demand compensation from the enemy; if they refuse, we will seize as much of their property as we determine; if that is not possible, we will destroy as much of their property as we can. **Mojtaba Khamenei (12 March 2026)[https://www.irna.ir/news/86100475/%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B8%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%82%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%82%D8%B4-%D9%88-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D8%AD%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF ][https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200277-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%B5%D8%B1%D9%81-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Aggression against soil of Iranian islands will shatter all restraint. We will abandon all restraint and make the Persian Gulf run with the blood of invaders. **[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77477478/%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%81-%D9%87%D8%B1%DA%AF%D9%88%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9-%D8%AC%D8%B2%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%85%DB%8C], ''Qalibaf'' (12 March 2026) *The [[United States]] is the largest Oil Producer in the World, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. BUT, of far greater interest and importance to me, as President, is stoping an evil Empire, Iran, from having Nuclear Weapons, and destroying the [[Middle East]] and, indeed, the World. I won’t ever let that happen! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-updates-supreme-leader-trump-oil-b2937272.html "Iran-US war latest: Supreme leader statement threatens fresh attacks after UK base in Iraq hit by drone swarm"], ''The Independent'' (12 March 2026) *As long as America and Zionist exist humankind will not see quiet. To establish peace they must be destroyed **Aytallah Khatami Imam Tehran [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77485962/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%AA%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AF ][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77487036/%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B4%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF] (13 March 2026) *Just run! **IRGC hebrew text [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499999/%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%D8%A7-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If Americans do heliborne operation on taking over Khark Island we will attack their bases and take prisoners **FM Manouchehr Motaki Iran negotiators [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77500152/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AA%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AC%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%DA%A9-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84-%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If the [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] games are in [[Mexico]] maybe we will go **Minister of youth & sport [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499588/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4-%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B2%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7], (14 March 2026) *Countries in region are supposed to pay reparations for killing Khamenei. **VP Mohammed Mokhber [https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6774791/%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D9%85%DA%A9%D9%84%D9%81-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AE%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF] (14 March 2026) *When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones. **[[President Trump]] quoted when asked when the war will end: [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-says-iran-war-will-end-when-i-feel-it-in-my-bones_uk_69b57775e4b09d87d0277fa2 "Trump Says Iran War Will End 'When I Feel It In My Bones'"], ''Huffington Post'' (14 March 2026) *It's a little unfair. You win a war, but they have no right to be doing what they're doing. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c70k29914q4o "Surge in US petrol prices deepens political peril for Trump over Iran"], ''BBC News'' (17 March 2026) *Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116245182325726375 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (17 Mar 2026) *[[Israel]], out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East, has violently lashed out at a major facility known as South Pars Gas Field in Iran. A relatively small section of the whole has been hit. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack, and the country of [[Qatar]] was in no way, shape, or form, involved with it, nor did it have any idea that it was going to happen. Unfortunately, Iran did not know this, or any of the pertinent facts pertaining to the South Pars attack, and unjustifiably and unfairly attacked a portion of Qatar’s LNG Gas facility. NO MORE ATTACKS WILL BE MADE BY ISRAEL pertaining to this extremely important and valuable South Pars Field unless Iran unwisely decides to attack a very innocent, in this case, Qatar - In which instance the United States of America, with or without the help or consent of Israel, will massively blow up the entirety of the South Pars Gas Field at an amount of strength and power that Iran has never seen or witnessed before. I do not want to authorize this level of violence and destruction because of the long term implications that it will have on the future of Iran, but if Qatar’s LNG is again attacked, I will not hesitate to do so. **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116253388303392718 Truth Social] (Mar 19, 2026) * Iranian missiles do not differentiate between Muslim and Christian and Jew and whichever religion, they're out there to kill anybody because they feel everybody who doesn't accept their belief is an infidel. **Israeli President [[Isaac Herzog]] following the 2026 Beit Awwa salon strike in the West Bank. (Mar 19, 2026)[https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890479] *We are getting very close to meeting our objectives as we consider winding down our great Military efforts in the Middle East with respect to the Terrorist Regime of [[Iran]]: (1) Completely degrading Iranian Missile Capability, Launchers, and everything else pertaining to them. (2) Destroying Iran’s Defense Industrial Base. (3) Eliminating their Navy and Air Force, including Anti Aircraft Weaponry. (4) Never allowing Iran to get even close to Nuclear Capability, and always being in a position where the U.S.A. can quickly and powerfully react to such a situation, should it take place. (5) Protecting, at the highest level, our Middle Eastern Allies, including [[Israel]], [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Qatar]], the [[United Arab Emirates]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Kuwait]], and others. The [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] will have to be guarded and policed, as necessary, by other Nations who use it — The United States does not! **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116263563453969628 Truth Social] (Mar 20, 2026) [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Strait of Hormuz]] *If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]], within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyxv87zwwpo "Trump at a crossroads as US weighs tough options in Iran"], ''BBC News'' (21 March 2026) *In difficult times like these, when events seem both confused and confusing, [[Mark Twain]]’s “broken fragments of antique legends” can remind us of historical analogies like the collapse of the power and influence of [[Great Britain]] or of the [[Soviet Union]] that can help us understand how the past often whispers to the present — as it indeed seems to be doing these days in the [[Strait of Hormuz]]. ** [[Alfred W. McCoy]], [https://inkstickmedia.com/how-the-iran-war-gave-trump-his-very-own-suez-crisis/ "How the Iran War Gave Trump His Very Own Suez Crisis"] (21 March 2026) *No countries that are [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization|NATO]] allies that have been bullied by Trump are going to be willing… to go on this suicide mission for someone who is an asshole to them. **Adam Mockler from [[w:MeidasTouch|MeidasTouch]] quoted telling [[CNN]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/trump-iran-gamble-failed-americas-allies-pay-it-4309972 "Trump’s Iran gamble has failed – and America’s allies will pay for it"], ''iNews'' (March 22, 2026) *Maybe me. Me and the ayatollah, whoever the ayatollah is, whoever the next ayatollah is. There’s automatically a regime change, but we’re dealing with some people that I find to be very reasonable, very solid. The people within know who they are. They’re very respected, and maybe one of them will be exactly what we’re looking for. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on who would control the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped. **[[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *Because they’re going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present. And the present arrived today. And it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.… That meant one thing to me—we’re dealing with the right people. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on negotiations with [[Iran]] in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/4556482986909-trump-says-he-changed-his-mind-after-iran-gave-very-big-present "Trump Says He Changed His Mind After Iran Gave 'Very Big Present'"], ''Newsbreak'' (24 March 2026) *Has the level of your inner ⁠struggle reached the stage ⁠of you negotiating with yourself? **Iranian Ebrahim Zolfaqari's rhetorical question to Donald Trump quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/25/us-talking-to-itself-says-iran-as-trump-claims-wheels-of-diplomacy-turning "US talking to itself, says Iran as Trump claims wheels of diplomacy turning"], ''Al Jazeera'' (25 March 2026) * The enemy signals negotiation in public, while in secret it plots a ground attack. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place. Our determination and faith have increased. [Iranian forces] are waiting for the arrival of American troops on the ground to set them on fire and punish their regional partners for ever. ** Iranian parliament speaker, [[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]], quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/29/iran-accuses-us-plotting-ground-assault-publicly-seeking-talks "Iran accuses US of plotting ground assault while publicly seeking talks"], ''Guardian'' (29 March 2026) *This is our God: Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them. * ([[Isaiah]] 1:15) ‘Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.’ **[[Pope Leo XIV]] quoting ''Book of Isaiah'', reported in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cje4x38q8xqt?post=asset%3A58d1f907-b13b-443a-b413-d7741b63b566 "'Hands full of blood': Pope Leo seemingly criticises those involved in war"], ''BBC News'' (29 March 2026) ===Apr 2026=== [[File:Gas prices Sonoma, California April 7 2026.jpg|thumb|Trump: We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages.]] *We're finishing the job, and I think within maybe two weeks, maybe a couple of days longer, to do the job. But we want to knock out every single thing they have. Now, it's possible that we'll make a deal before that. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=ad13f6002bde4e30befd5495f58499d9 "Trump: US could leave Iran in 2 to 3 weeks, securing Strait of Hormuz is 'not for us'"], ''AP News'' (Apr 1, 2026) *We will consider [a ceasefire] when [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting [[Iran]] into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-speech-stone-age-b2950116.html "Trump threatens both Iran and NATO allies ahead of primetime address on war: ‘Back to the Stone Ages’"], ''Independent'' (Apr 1, 2026) *If hostility escalates, the entire region will turn into hell for you; the illusion of defeating the Islamic Republic of Iran will become a quagmire into which you will sink. **[[w:Ebrahim Zolfaghari|Ebrahim Zolfaghari]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y90jl8veyo US and "Iran trade threats to unleash 'hell' as search for missing US airman continues"], ''BBC News'' (4 April 2026) *In the attempt to try to prevent Iran from developing a weapon of mass destruction, the US handed Iran a weapon of mass disruption. **Ali Vaez, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/us-intelligence-warns-iran-unlikely-ease-hormuz-strait-chokehold-soon-sources-2026-04-03/ Reuters] *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg0q6wdzp1o Trump issues expletive-laden threat to Iran over Hormuz Strait blockage], ''BBC News'' (5 April 2026) * Subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz, I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * If attacks against Iran are halted, our Powerful Armed Forces will cease their defensive operations. For a period of two weeks, safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz will be possible via coordination with Iran's Armed Forces and with due consideration of technical limitations. ** Iran’s foreign minister, [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire "US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz"], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards, other than a short term extortion of the World by using International Waterways. The only reason they are alive today is to negotiate! ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/10/jd-vance-warns-iran-against-trying-to-play-the-us-in-peace-talks "JD Vance warns Iran against trying to ‘play’ the US in peace talks"], ''The Guardian'' (10 April 2026 ) *The simple question is, do we see a fundamental commitment of will for the Iranians not to develop a nuclear weapon, not just now, not just two years from now, but for the long term. We haven’t seen that yet. **[[JD Vance]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-peace-talks-vance-trump-b2956013.html "Why the US-Iran peace talks failed after just one day – and what happens next"], ''The Independent'' (12 April 2026) * We’re going to clean out the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) * We’re very disappointed with [[NATO]], we’re very, very disappointed that they didn’t come. Now, they want to come and they want to help with the strait. **Trump quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) [[File:Straße von Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Trump - Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again]] * In line with the ceasefire in Lebanon, the passage for all commercial vessels through [the] [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] is declared completely open for the remaining period of ceasefire, on the coordinated route as already announced by Ports and Maritime Organisation of the Islamic Rep. of Iran. ** Iran Foreign Minister [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cqxdg17yr2wt Iran says Strait of Hormuz is 'open' as Trump says US blockade will continue until deal reached], ''BBC News'' (Apr 17, 2026) * [[Iran]] has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116420562510387829 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (Apr 17, 2026) * Based on the fact that the Government of [[Iran]] is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister [[w:Shehbaz Sharif|Shehbaz Sharif]], of [[Pakistan]], we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx297218m9vt "Iran says reopening Strait of Hormuz 'impossible' if US blockade continues"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 22, 2026) * We are all 'Iranian' and 'revolutionary,' and with the iron unity of the nation and government, with complete obedience to the Supreme Leader. We will make the aggressor criminal regret his actions. ** Iran's President {{w|Masoud Pezeshkian}} quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c0mjev4kn9jt?page=2 "Trump says Israel-Lebanon ceasefire extended by three weeks, but he won't 'rush' Iran deal"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 24, 2026) ===May 2026=== *Iran has taken some shots at unrelated Nations with respect to the Ship Movement, PROJECT FREEDOM, including a South Korean Cargo Ship. Perhaps it’s time for South Korea to come and join the mission!{{Pbri}}We’ve shot down seven small Boats or, as they like to call them, “fast” Boats. It’s all they have left. Other than the South Korean Ship, there has been, at this moment, no damage going through the Strait. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Dan Caine, will have a News Conference tomorrow morning. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth], 4 May 2026 *Countries from all over the World. almost all of which are not involved in the Middle Eastern dispute going on so visibly, and violently, for all to see, have asked the United States if we could help free up their Ships. which are locked up in the Strait of Hormuz, on something which they have absolutely nothing to do with - They are merely neutral and innocent bystanders! For the good of Iran, the Middle East, and the United States, we have told these Countries that we will guide their Ships safely out of these restricted Waterways, so that they can freely and ably get on with their business. Again, these are Ships from areas of the World that are not in any way involved with that which is currently taking place in the Middle East. I have told my Representatives to inform them that we will use best efforts to get their Ships and Crews safely out of the Strait. In all cases, they said they will not be returning until the area becomes safe for navigation, and everything else. This process, '''Project Freedom''', will begin Monday morning, Middle East time. I am fully aware that my Representatives are having very positive discussions with the Country of Iran, and that these discussions could lead to something very positive for all. The Ship movement is merely meant to free up people, companies, and Countries that have done absolutely nothing wrong - They are victims of circumstance. This is a Humanitarian gesture on behalf of the United States, Middle Eastern Countries but, in particular, the Country of Iran. Many of these Ships are running low on food, and everything else necessary for large scale crews to stay on board in a healthy and sanitary manner. I think it would go a long way in showing Goodwill on behalf of all of those who have been fighting so strenuously over the last number of months. If, in any way, this Humanitarian process is interfered with, that interference will, unfortunately, have to be dealt with forcefully. Thank you for your attention to this matter! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth] *Quranic verdict of Zarif and Rouhani is execution definitely indeed **Qasemian[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213690/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%DA%A9%D9%85-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%B8%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%82%D8%B7%D8%B9%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85 ]19:05, (3 May 2026) * Do you take out your wife, sister and wife so that unmarried men can look? There is a law, the parliament has approved it. I advise these women who come out without hijab: gather yourself. If these people decide, they will destroy your life. Netanyahu kills people, you beat people's opinion. They come again and appear in the square and street. Will you bring your sister and this woman so that the eyes of non-mahram men will fall on her situation? **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213662/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AA%D8%B5%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D9%87%D8%A7 Imam Juma Rasht] (3 May 2026) * Operation Epic Fury is concluded. We achieved the objectives of that operation. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c1wz2ld4535t US "Secretary of State Marco Rubio says offensive stage of Iran war is 'over'"], ''BBC News'' (4 May 2026) * Based on the request of [[Pakistan]] and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c152zyj0599t "Trump says US will pause operation to guide ships through Strait of Hormuz"], ''BBC News'' (6 May 2026) * We have such a great military and great navy. And they were going straight through, and they said, “Turn your ship around!”. And there was no response. “Turn your ship around! Evacuate your engine room immediately!” And you see all these guys running out of there. Now, they’re five miles away — in one shot, into the engine room, blew up the engine room; the ship stopped, and they used tugboats. And then we landed on top of it — on top of everything else — we then land on top of it. And '''we took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business'''. Who would have thought we were doing that? '''We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates'''. But we’re not playing games. ** Trump quoted in [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/ Trump boasts ‘we’re like pirates’, seizing Iran’s ships, as China challenges US sanctions]. Geopolitical Economy Report. (9 May 2026) * We will never bow our heads before the enemy, and if talk of dialogue or negotiation arises, it does not mean surrender or retreat. ** Iranian President [[w:Masoud Pezeshkian|Masoud Pezeshkian]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clypgz9e5pmo "Trump calls Iran response to US proposal to end war 'totally unacceptable"], ''BBC News'' (10 May 2026) * 1. They martyred the great and devoted leader of the Islamic Revolution; 2. No Muslim country came to Iran aid. What sort of Islam is this .. what kind of Muslimhoodness is this; 3.Iran continues to resist the big and small Satan (America and Israel); 4. On one side of today's battle are America and Israel, and on the other side are Muslim Iran and the resistance forces. Which side are you; 5. Think about the future of the Islamic world. You know that America is not loyal to you and Israel is your enemy. Think for a minute about yourself and the future of the region; 6. Unity of the Islamic Ummah with all its power can provide and guarantee the security, excellence and independence of countries for everyone **letter to 6 countries Larijani[https://fa.alalam.ir/news/7428293/%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%DB%B6-%D8%A8%D9%86%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%84%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C ] *If you want Internet, pack and get up, leave your things, go to Afghanistan, live where there is Internet. **IRIB anchor man [https://fararu.com/fa/news/970808/%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-5g-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D8%A7-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ]p *Like a rogue gang, the Iranian regime is pillaging resources that rightfully belong to the Iraqi people. Treasury will not stand idly by as Iran's military exploits Iraqi oil to fund terrorism against the United States and our partners. **[https://twitter.com/SecScottBessent/status/2052447601304178863?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Bessent] *God's order to fight Fitne. Israel is to be wiped out. Division causes failure against enemies **Imam Karaj[https://www.imna.ir/news/971477/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%AA%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%81-%D8%A7%D9%81%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ][https://www.didbaniran.ir/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-3/284228-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AE%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%AF%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Report of high Damage of internet blackout from government is greatly exaggerated. **[https://www.zoomit.ir/iran-news/459800-denies-exaggerated-internet-outage-claims/] MP of Tehran 18:28, 15 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Trump is hopeless and desperate he went to begging China for no result. He will not be satisfied until Iran is destroyed. **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2219513/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%84-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%DA%86%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%86%D8%AA%DB%8C%D8%AC%D9%87-%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA Ayatollah Imam Ardebil] (15 May 2026) *China encourages the US and Iran to continue resolving their differences and disputes, including the nuclear issue, through negotiations, and advocates the swift reopening of the Strait of Hormuz on the basis of maintaining a ceasefire **Chinese FM Wang in [https://aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/chinese-top-diplomat-urges-diplomacy-on-iran-after-trump-xi-summit/3938851] (15 May 2026) *The most important issue today is trust. We cannot trust the Americans in any way **[https://en.mehrnews.com/news/244536/Araghchi-holds-presser-in-New-Delhi], Iraqchi (15 May 2026) *We’ve taken out much of what we’d have to do, probably another two weeks, two weeks, maybe three weeks I’m very torn on it, because they lost 42,000 people in the first two weeks. I don’t really want to see that You can’t have an unarmed population against people with AK-47s The Iranian people have to have guns and I think they’re getting some guns. * As soon as they have guns, they’ll fight like as good as anybody there is. **President Trump 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~~[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605057012 ] *They can either agree to a piece of paper that is satisfactory to the United States, or they can face a punishment from our military, the likes of which has not been seen in modern history. That’s the choice that they face **Miller [https://unb.com.bd/category/World/trump-official-warns-iran-of-unprecedented-military-action-over-deal-holdout/186431 ] 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Our American issue solves when they surely get the powerfulness we have , and they can't do anything against us **Mohamed Mkokhber[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222394/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%84-%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%84-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%84-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 ] (22 May 2026) * Matchmaking booths had been set up at rallies in Tehran, allowing young men and women to register for introductions under what organizers call “easy marriage. **Fars[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605215847 ] *It's a possibility Iran we can go around ceasefire **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222363/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%DA%A9%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B3%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%B2 ] National security Islamic Cunsultative Assembly MP (22 May 2026) *Trying to prohibit Iranians in LA from bringing the Lion and Sun flag into the stadium is like trying to prevent Americans from bringing the U.S. flag into an American stadium. It would cause mass unrest. * [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] matches best illustrate the passion Iranian-Americans feel for their homeland and the contempt they feel toward the Iranian government. Waving the Lion and Sun flag is simultaneously a show of support for the national team and a protest against the regime. **[https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/7288376/2026/05/19/world-cup-fifa-iran-flag/] ''NYTimes'' (22 May 2026) * This is not good timing for me, I have a thing called Iran and other things ** Trump quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605214172#:~:text=US%20President%20Donald%20Trump%20said,called%20Iran%20and%20other%20things.%E2%80%9D ] (22 May 2026) * I laugh at all of the Dumocrats, RINOS, and Fools who know nothing about the potential deal I am making with Iran, things that haven’t even been negotiated yet. ** Trump quoted in [https://nypost.com/2026/05/25/us-news/president-trump-heralds-memorial-day-by-trashing-dumocrats-rinos-and-fools/ "Trump trashes ‘Dumocrats, RINOS and Fools’ who question his Iran plans in Memorial Day message"] ''NYPost'' (22 May 2026) *The ayatollah has been replaced by a ‘thugocracy’. **Kirk Lippold [https://www.japantimes.co.jp/commentary/2026/06/03/world/instability-powerful-political-instrument/ ][https://www.taipeitimes.com/News/editorials/archives/2026/05/21/2003857691 ][https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394301883112 ] *You lost hundreds of thousands of soldiers in these various wars. In two wars; Venezuela—where we lost nobody—and here We took over Venezuela. We essentially took over Iran. We have lost so far 13 people. Somebody else would have lost 100,000 people **[https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-iran-war-soldiers-killed Trump] * The humiliating defeat of Israel and the United States in their war on Iran, along with the savagery of the ongoing {{w|Gaza genocide|genocide in Gaza}}, are ushering in a new world order. This order is one where voices of reason and stability emanate not from the West — which spent tens of billions of dollars sustaining Israel’s genocide — but from the Global South, including China. It is an order where alliances are being rapidly reconfigured to protect countries from a rogue American state that lashes out like a wounded beast, as it spirals toward terminal decline. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://scheerpost.com/2026/05/29/the-rise-of-the-global-south/ The Rise of the Global South]." Scheerpost (29 May 2026) ===June 2026=== *They closed parliament so they could sign whatever they wanted **[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606196854 MP] *Entebbe showed that a free people, if they mobilize their courage and muster their strength and their will, they could overcome the worst tyrannie **[https://www.jns.org/news/israel-news/netanyahu-iran-campaign-laid-groundwork-for-fall-of-the-regime Bibi] *If they do, they suffer unbelievable consequences... the ultimate consequences, Iran will not be permitted to develop, buy, or acquire one if they want to maintain a "very good relationship" with the United States. **[https://english.tupaki.com/latest-news/trump-warning-iran-nuclear-deal-g7-statement-1492147 Trump] *If General Soleimani hadn't been killed, we probably wouldn't be talking right now. He was a mad genius. They will never be able to replace this ideologue **[https://unn.ua/en/news/trump-called-the-liquidated-soleimani-a-mad-genius-and-linked-his-death-to-the-current-deal-with-iran Trump] *So many people forget that tough guys usually lead their country to the abyss. And, you know, all the tough guys, tough guys don't realize that this wasn't a three-month deal, this was years in the making. Do you know why? Because I killed General Soleimani. **[https://unn.ua/en/news/trump-called-the-liquidated-soleimani-a-mad-genius-and-linked-his-death-to-the-current-deal-with-iran Trump] [[https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/video/economics/2026/06/17/i-was-the-one-who-killed-general-soleimani-trump/ Trump] * What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking crazy. You'd be in prison if it weren't for me. I'm saving your ass. Everybody hates you now. Everybody hates Israel because of this. * I had a very productive call with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu of Israel, and there will be no Troops going to Beirut, and any Troops that are on their way have already been turned back. ** [https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-israel-lebanon-call Trump to Bibi Netanyahu][https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-lebanon-israel-bomb-beirut "'You're fucking crazy': Trump fumes at Netanyahu in call on Lebanon"] ''Axios'' (June 1, 2026) * I don’t care if they’re over, honestly. I really don’t care. I couldn’t care less. If they’re over, they’re over. If they’re not, you know, I think they took too much time. Frankly, I think they started to get a little boring. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted on peace talks in [https://www.jezebel.com/iran-war-donald-trump-boring-bored-quote-ceasefire-negotiations-suspended-israel-lebanon "Uh Oh, Trump Is Bored with Iran Peace Talks. You Know What That Means."], ''Jezebel'' (June 2, 2026) *Well, they’ve been largely decapitated. And I call it a military exercise because people would rather have it called that. They put up a blockade and so we blockaded them *[https://fortune.com/2026/06/07/trump-iran-war-military-exercise-fighting-strait-of-hormuz-no-new-wars-promise/ Trump] *I said, ‘Bibi, you better be careful, or you will be on your own very soon, **[https://english.elpais.com/international/2026-06-09/iran-war-drives-a-wedge-between-trump-and-netanyahu.html Trump] (9 June 2026) *Iran thing it's not a big thing for us **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html?eafs_enabled=false Trump] (3 June 2026) *We have the highest stock market in history with a military conflict going on, or a war — some people call it war, some people call it a military — it’s not a big thing for us. **Trump [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html] ''New York Times'' (3 June 2026) *Communists always do well with the Voters or, as they would say, THE PEOPLE, in the Early Years! But, in the end, the Country, State, or City, GOES TO HELL! Great Violence proceeds at levels never seen before, and the entity dissolves into Poverty, Squalor, and Crime. Remember, breathtaking “Popularity” first, and then, guaranteed DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.ntd.com/trump-decries-communism-says-its-breathtaking-popularity-turns-to-death-destruction-squalor_1150163.html] ''NTD'' (4 June 2026) * It’s a different part of the world. You know, I’d say in that part of the world, a ceasefire is when you’re shooting in a more moderate manner. ** Trump quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-iran-war-nuclear-deal-f6c5007b28e596e562c88b93ee785d91 "With Trump in a holding pattern on Iran war, allies and critics worry he risks getting boxed in"], ''AP News'' (4 June 2026) *There is a reason for everything. We hit them pretty hard the night before and actually last night. And when it was explained to me, I said, ‘all right, so we'll do that.’ But we've been hitting them pretty hard. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/live-updates/trump-iran-war-attacks-kuwait-airport-israel-hezbollah-ceasefire/ Trump] (4 June 2026) *Yesterday, in a meaningless vote, the House voted, 4 bad Republicans and all of the Dumocrats, to limit my War Powers, right in the middle of my final negotiations to end the War with the Islamic Republic of Iran. Who would do such an unpatriotic thing. They know where the negotiations stand. The Democrats are fueled by Trump Derangement Syndrome. They would rather have our Country fail than give me another, of many, victories. The four Republicans, that’s a whole other story - They’re GRANDSTANDERS! They should be ashamed of themselves. MAGA!!! President DJT **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-trump-ceasefire-kuwait-israel-lebanon-b2989234.html], ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *If people are stupid, we’ll end up in something where we have to wipe out an entire infrastructure of a nation **[https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-dealmaker-chief-reputation-comes-100000144.html Trump] (10 June 2026) *The Fake News Media refuses to report how EFFECTIVE the U.S. Naval BLOCKADE is, the most successful Blockade in the history of Naval Warfare. NOTHING GETS THROUGH unless we want it to. IT IS A STEEL WALL! Iran is doing ZERO business, not paying their military, or any of their bills, and quickly becoming a FAILED NATION! Lots of oil is getting out. Praise be to Allah! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725591109474316] (10 June 2026) *Iran’s Military is a complete and total mess. Much of it, like their Navy and Air Force, doesn’t even exist anymore - They have been completely defeated. Iran is all talk and no action. The Bully of the Middle East is DEAD!!! They’ve taken too long to negotiate a deal that would have been great for them, now they will have to pay the price!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725476229257491] (10 June 2026) *Last month, I directed our Great U.S. Military to execute a secret mission to support Oil Tankers and other Commercial Ships through the Straight of Hormuz. Today, I am pleased to announce that this effort has resulted in more than 100 MILLION Barrels of Oil making its way through the Straight, and into the Open Market. More than 200 Commercial Ships have safely traveled through the Strait. This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran. Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP" ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-oil-war-b2993489.html Trump to Iran: I just took your oil] ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela, which is working out brilliantly for both Venezuela and the United States of America. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116731447139970106 *The Iranian regime will lose the zero-sum game it is playing. Any damage it inflicts on our allies in the Gulf will be paid for with funds extracted from Iranian Accounts. Any tolls paid to the Persian Gulf Strait Authority will be offset by funds extracted from their accounts. Every attack Iran launches will only deepen the economic and financial consequences it faces ** [[Scott Bessent]] in [https://nitter.poast.org/Osint613/status/2065076195729793113#m Tweet] (10 June 2026) * The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. {{br}} I hereby fully authorize the toll free opening of the Strait of Hormuz, and, simultaneously herewith, authorize the immediate removal of the United States Naval blockade.{{br}}'''Ships of the World, start your engines. Let the oil flow!''' ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cj0grpyg4v1t "Iran and US agree deal to end war as Trump says Strait of Hormuz will be reopened"], ''BBC News'' (15 June 2026) * The terms that Iran leaked out to the Fake News have NOTHING to do with the terms that were agreed to, in writing. What they said, including their weak and pathetic statement on having a deal, bears no relation to the truth. Very dishonorable people to deal with. With them, there is no such thing as dealing in good faith. AMAZING! Also, their totally rebuffed Drone attack last night against Indian Ships leaving the Hormuz Strait is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. They better get their act together, and FAST! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116737418354503074 Trump post] (Jun 12, 2026) * As you have been informed, a memorandum of understanding was signed between the presidents of Iran and the United States of America.{{br}}In the course of reaching this stage, the officials in charge, out of sincere concern and goodwill, made extensive efforts—and of course, it was the American president who, out of desperation, used all kinds of leverage to bring this about. ** [[Mojtaba Khamenei]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * We expect a complete ceasefire on all fronts, including [[Lebanon]], [[Hezbollah]], and Israel, ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * He's been an amazing prime minister, but we have a little dispute over Lebanon...we're the big partner and he's the small partner, that's true. ** Trump, referring to [[Bibi Netanyahu]], quoted in [https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-belittles-netanyahu-small-partner-163100000.html "Trump belittles Netanyahu as 'small partner' after 'dispute' exposed between leaders"], ''AOL'' (Jun 17, 2026) * You don't have to knock down a building every time someone walks into it that's from Hezbollah. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * It's not our money, it's their money, and we froze it. At a certain point in time, I guess we're going to have to give it back. ** Trump quoted on the return of Iranian assets frozen during the war in: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * We’ve now fought a war, spent billions and billions of dollars, you know, put enormous strain on our military. A lot of people have died. And it feels like we’re back where we were before we started the war, except maybe a little bit worse off. ** [[Barack Obama]], [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/obama-us-may-worse-now-iran-war-rcna350733 "Obama says U.S. may be ‘worse off’ now than before Iran war"], nbcnews.com (June 19, 2026) == See also == * [[Iran]] * [[Israel]] * [[Middle East]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Might makes right]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [https://www.bbc.com BBC coverage of 2026 Iran conflict] * [https://www.aljazeera.com/news Al Jazeera: Iran crisis coverage] [[Category:2026]] [[Category:2020s in Iran]] [[Category:Wars and battles]] [[Category:Arab-Israeli conflict]] sq5z5xrjhzej5q98mlrinyiuuvw9il7 3955274 3955201 2026-06-22T10:47:19Z GrimRob 1187925 /* June 2026 */ lack of basic formatting, date, order (yet again) 3955274 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Trump -- United States of the Middle East -- map of Iran.jpg|thumb|United States of the Middle East?[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116624042090139559 ]]][[File:2026-04-07 Trump – A whole civilization will die tonight 2026-04-07 192815.png|thumb|Based on the fact that discussions with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved, I have, as President of the United States of America, cancelled the scheduled strikes and bombings against Iran this evening. Discussions and final points have been, in both concept and great detail, approved by all parties involved, including the United States, Israel, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Turkey, Pakistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan, Egypt, and others. The Naval Blockade will remain in full force and effect until this Transaction is finalized — Time and place of the signing to be announced shortly. DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116732652997120164 ]]][[File:IRGC Seal Chest Badge.svg|thumb|Borderless fighters are overseeing your transit chokepoints. If necessary, others will also come Continue your aggression and they will seize your throat] ~ CmdrGeneralQaani [https://www.tasnimnews.ir/en/news/2026/06/09/3612261/resistance-s-new-security-belt-extends-from-hormuz-to-bab-el-mandeb-irgc-quds-force-chief ]]][[File:Dedication Stone De Becker Memorial Chapel American College.jpg|thumb|We Must Recommit to One Nation Under God.Therefore, we must restore the military draft Being a citizen of the United States gives us unparalleled freedoms and opportunities that are the envy of the world. However, these freedoms that we cherish do not come without a cost [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/celebrity/articles/comedian-rob-schneider-proposes-military-184035757.html?guccounter=1 Schneider]]][[File:Achaemenid cylinder seal showing 2 scenes. An Achaemenid king before 2 sphinxes (below god Ahura Mazda). Supernatural creature fighting 2 ibexes. 6th-4th century BCE. From Hillah, Iraq. British Museum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Straits of Hormuz are named after Ahura Mazda from Zoroastrianism [https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/2063866701356089711#m Musk]]][[File:Imam Khamenei with his son, Ayatollah Sayyid Mojtaba Khamenei.jpg|thumb|Younger. I think more rational. Wounded. He is quite seriously wounded. There is a certain bravery in that ~[https://news.am/en/news/1041776 Trump]]][[File:Abdul_Rahman_Mosque_in_March_2010.jpg|thumb|There is women with manteaus being thrown out of mosques but they are now the ones waving flag [https://www.tabnak.ir/fa/news/1375015/%D9%BE%D8%B2%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%AF-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%85%E2%80%8C%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C%E2%80%8C%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF Pezeshkia]]][[File:Comintern Logo.svg|thumb|Cuba has collapsed. We will handle that as soon as we take care of the Islamic Republic of IranWe will take good care of them. We will let them go back to their land, invest in Cuba, and be with their families. We have very good plan… then on our way back, we’ll make a little brief stop These are unbelievable people. Energetic. Entrepreneurial. Some of the richest people in Miami are Cuban[https://en.cibercuba.com/noticias/2026-06-05-u1-e199894-s27061-nid331291-trump-asegura-cubanos-quieren-presencia-estados Trump]]] [[File:Abbas Araghchi in a interview with khamenei.ir (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|The building where we were sitting was targeted, but the wing we were in remained intact , After returning from the Geneva negotiations on Friday, I went to his office at 9 a.m. on Saturday to present my report, My report was about the negotiations and the atmosphere that emerged on Friday, which made the possibility of war much greater, When I got out from under the rubble, I was only thinking about whether he had been the target of the strike or not ~Iraqchi[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606047013 ]]][[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting “I surrender, I surrender” while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary “Documents of Surrender,” and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent U.S.A., The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close ~ Trump[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605262547 ]]][[File:Official portrait of Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (borderless) (cropped).jpg|thumb|We have seized about a billion dollars of their crypto, Just outright grabbed the wallets. I think between five and a half-six weeks of an incredibly successful military campaign and then Operation Economic Fury, where we have really cut them off … they are at the end of their tether now financially. We didn't have regime change but we changed the regime, on one side, we have a theocracy with the clerics. On the other side, we have a thug autocracy with the IRGC. And you've got to convince both sides.[https://www.foxbusiness.com/media/scott-bessent-says-us-seized-roughly-1b-iranian-crypto-regime-nears-end-tether ~Bessent]]][[File:Official portrait of Secretary Marco Rubio (cropped)(2).jpg|thumb|One of the things you'll find pretty consistently in every totalitarian system is that they want to control the ability of their citizens to communicate with one another ~Rubio [https://x.com/StateDept/status/2062260777348718963 ]]] [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Blockade Plus : Sustain the blockade and accompanying economic warfare to destabilize the regime’s hold on the state; remake the world in America’s energy dominance image to mitigate long-term price impacts while undermining China’s global ambition to defeat the United States; and order the US military to forge a path through the Strait of Hormuz to restore freedom of navigation [https://nypost.com/2026/05/01/opinion/heres-how-to-crush-tehran-in-three-moves/ ]]] [[File:Pirate Flag of Jack Rackham.svg|thumb|We took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business . . . We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates. - Trump[https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/]]] [[File:Flag of the United States Secretary of the Army.svg|thumb|God is good~Hegseth[https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/06/politics/hegseth-trump-iran-war-easter-christianity-analysis ]]][[File:TrinityDetonation1945GIF.gif|thumb|If there's no ceasefire, you're just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. President DJT[https://www.skynews.com.au/world-news/united-states/one-big-glow-coming-out-of-iran-trumps-wild-threat-as-he-hints-peace-deal-talks-might-collapse/video/8a668c00deaff3d27568bc78441e4a29 ]]] [[File:Seal_of_the_Army_of_the_Guardians_of_the_Islamic_Revolution.svg|thumb|Having an atomic bomb is used to scare the enemy, and we should not use this bomb on the people in any way, unless it happens.[http://didbaniran.ir/fa/tiny/news-281553 Nataj]]][[File:Donald Trump OEF.jpg|thumb|Trump: "I think the war is very complete, pretty much" (Mar 9th)]] [[File:Shajareh_Tayyebeh_school_in_Minab_photos_from_Mehr_(12).jpg|thumb|The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, {{w|2026 Minab school attack|a few weeks ago}}, you bomb the schools, you bomb the hospitals. - [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]] [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/] ]] On 28 February 2026, [[Israel]] and the [[United States]] launched a '''[[w:2026 Iran War|coordinated joint attack]]''' on multiple sites in [[Iran]], sparking a major conflict. The operation, codenamed '''Operation Roaring Lion''' and '''Operation Epic Fury''' by the [[w:United States Department of Defense|U.S. Department of Defense]], targeted senior Iranian officials, military command centers, and key strategic facilities, with the declared aim of [[w:regime change|regime change]]. The attack included the [[w:Assassination of Ali Khamenei|assassination]] of Iran’s second [[w:Supreme Leader of Iran|Supreme Leader]], [[Ali Khamenei]]. The strikes began in the cities of [[Tehran]], [[w:Isfahan|Isfahan]], [[w:Qom|Qom]], [[w:Karaj|Karaj]], and [[w:Kermanshah|Kermanshah]]. Several Iranian government figures were killed, including [[w:Ali Shamkhani|Ali Shamkhani]], the secretary of the [[w:Supreme National Security Council|Supreme National Security Council]]. Witnesses reported explosions across multiple regions. Israeli Defense Minister [[w:Israel Katz|Israel Katz]] confirmed that the [[w:Israel Defense Forces|Israel Defense Forces]] had conducted the strikes. [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]], in a video posted on [[w:Truth Social|Truth Social]], announced that the United States had joined Israel in launching attacks against Iran. In retaliation, Iranian forces launched dozens of [[w:Unmanned aerial vehicles in the Iranian military|drones]] and [[w:ballistic missiles|ballistic missiles]] across the [[w:Persian Gulf|Persian Gulf]], targeting Israel as well as U.S. military installations in [[Jordan]], [[Kuwait]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Qatar]], [[Iraq]], [[Saudi Arabia]], and the [[United Arab Emirates]]. [[File:Khamenei last end year 5458884.jpg|thumb|The newly supreme appointed leader should deliver message of the peace to world and declare new era in Iran , a historic neccessity to free political prisoners and declare public general amnesty for those that haven't collaborated in killing Iranians and/or 2026 Iran massacres [https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198657-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D9%87%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%BA%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%81%D9%88-%D8%B9%D9%85%D9%88%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%84%D9%88%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A2%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%86%DB%8C-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B6%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ]]][[File:Mojtaba Khamenei 2019.jpg|thumb|Well, they [CIA] did say [He's gay], but I don’t know if it was only them. I think a lot of people are saying that. Which puts him off to a bad start in that particular country[https://www.firstpost.com/world/a-bad-start-in-iran-trump-says-cia-told-him-mojtaba-khamenei-is-gay-13993618.html Trump]]][[File:Flag of the Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf.svg|thumb|Trump is hysterical and struggling with last final breaths. Americans are at the end of their rope. Enemy is caught in desperate swamp...Netanyahu pumped up US to attack, we will exact vengeance...Trump you are a retarded person, ...we are funneling through pass of war,... Iranians have civilization, countries of region are acting like cuckold pimps... Trump says some people within of our military have defected give us 2 of these people names to us[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421052/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%82%D8%A8-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF ~Larijani][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421726/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B3-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AE%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%88 ][https://farsnews.ir/mohammadreza_dehghan/1772912586911483130/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ]]][[File:State_flag_of_Iran_(1964%E2%80%931980).svg|thumb|Seventeen 17 cities of Caucasian Iran was separated from Iran by Tsar Russia. We are reborn from ashes of Mongol invasion and Timurid.[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77413081/%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9 ]]] == Quotes == <small>Please add quotes in chronological order</small> ===Feb 2026=== * Will someone please tell [[Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo]] that Iran has killed at least 42,000 innocent, completely unarmed, protesters in the last two months? **[https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/iran-us-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-updates/card/trump-criticizing-pope-says-iran-killed-at-least-42-000-protesters-gtRzVnxAMEMeQ8b5ygR2 Trump] *I guess the worst case would be five years we do this and somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/03/us/politics/trump-iran-leaders.html Trump] *We have lost our great leader, and we deeply mourn him. We'll severely punish the perpetrators. , with an exceptionally severe, decisive, and painful punishment. We'll resolutely confront domestic and foreign conspiracies and punish the aggressors. **[https://baike.baidu.com/en/item/Grand%20Ayatollah%20Seyyed%20Ali%20Khamenei/1512308#4-5:~:text=On-,February%2028%2C%202026,-%2C%20local%20time%2C%20Iranian IRGC]15:27, 28 Febr 2026 (UTC)~ *Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand… Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere . when we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for **Trump [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack PRESIDENT TRUMP's message to the great people of Iran ..] *firm of heart against the disbelievers, compassionate among themselves. **Khamenei quoted Quran[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77473280/%D8%A3%D8%B4%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D9%81%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87%D9%85 ] *There's a special place in hell reserved for pro-Trump Iranians. **IRGC Mashre Dimitri Lascaris [https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177328434067132 ] *400,000 armed people are ready to go to revolt against the United States government system **Gen Araste[https://www.ettelaat.com/news/140255/%DB%B4%DB%B0%DB%B0-%D9%87%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF#ref=shahrekhabar ] *Russia and China will win the war not just Iran **IRGC Gen RahimSafavi[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177326496039426 ] *We have arm around Americans neck we will be slapping it when it moves **IRGC Gen Mohsen rezai[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77471755/%D9%85%D8%AD%D8%B3%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%BE%D8%B4%D8%AA-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AA%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%DB%8C%DA%A9 ] *If anyone comes to street they are seen as enemies and not as protestors.All our kids are putting their finger on triggers all alleys , streets , city squares belong to Police, special units and The IRGC Basij. **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Ahmed Radan[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462710/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D9%88-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%B6 ] * I can see that the peace deal is within our reach... if we... allow [[diplomacy]] the space it needs to get there... I don't think any alternative to diplomacy is going to solve this problem. ...The [[heart]] of this deal is very important and ...we have captured that heart. ...[I]f the ultimate objective is to ensure forever, that Iran cannot have a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear bomb]] ...we have cracked that problem ...[W]e are talking about zero stockpiling ...[I]f you cannot stockpile material that is enriched ...there is no way you can ...create a bomb ...and ...equally important ...full and comprehensive verification by the [[w:International Atomic Energy Agency|IAEA]] ...The current stockpiles ...will be down-blended to the lowest level possible ...and converted into fuel that ...will be irreversible. ...I am ...confident ...that even the United States inspectors will have access at some point ...if we have a deal that is respected, and fair, and ...durable ...We have agreed, in general, to discuss economic and security cooperation between Iran and its neighbors, and set up a process of dialogue that will ...start the elements of building confidence, ...a rapport, a process that can ...lead ...to an understanding on all these ...areas of concern ...on the Iranian side, and ...on the [[w:Gulf Cooperation Council|GCC]] side. ...Broad terms, ...the politics, the ...main issues ...can be agreed [upon] tomorrow. The technicalities will take some time to work... out with... the IAEA. ...[T]hat can also be done ...relatively quickly, because a lot of this ...groundwork was done years ago, and it's ...in place. ...The substantial progress... is... far more than any time before. We just need that bit of extra time to close the deal. ** {{w|Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi}}, "Oman's foreign minister says U.S.-Iran nuclear 'deal is within our reach'" (Feb 27, 2026) ''{{w|Face the Nation}}'' statements prior to the US-Israeli attacks. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5sXQDR8NY&t=38s A Youtube video source.] *Mahdi is with us and in charge of Umma, he has through Assembly of Experts introduced Ayatallah Mojtaba Khamenei **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328896/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B9%D8%AC-%D9%88%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%86%DA%A9%D8%AA%D9%87 Hossein Shariatmadare] *The revolution will not sit down until flag of Mahdi is raised on all corners of earth **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328901/%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87%E2%80%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA Hossein Shariatmadare] *To save his soldiers Trump has gone to Volodymir Zelensky president-clown of Ukraine for aid **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328922/%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%AF%D9%84%D9%82%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF Hossein Shariatmadare] *War's balance changed and Islamic Republic of Iran has the upper hand, there won't be a negotiatons any country who helps America will be targeted as enemy **[https://tasnimnews.ir/fa/news/1404/12/19/3537514/%D9%85%D9%88%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%AA-90-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%B5%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D9%87%D9%BE%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B9-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ICA] *A vessel has passed through Hormuz strait , an United States (US) military navy escorted her. In Playstation **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461463/%D9%88%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%B9%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%BA%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87 ] *We have only just begun our missiles have left utter ruin and destruction ,Netanyahu won't let you see **Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462291/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B9-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Our enemy is the stupidest idiot. Our defense system is an ideology not just a defense system, while when we hit Haifa their people were begging for car gas **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Achmed Radan [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77460868/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%82-%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF ] *Your children shall read Quran while sitting by the missile launchers tonight. **Gen Mousavi [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461610/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A8-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86%DA%86%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF ] [[File:HIMARS Support Operation Epic Fury (9564974).jpg|thumb|Operation Epic Fury]] ===Mar 2026=== *I can't tell I may have a plan or I may not, Marco would put me on a helicopter. **Trump [https://news.meaww.com/video/marco-would-put-me-on-a-helicopter-trump-jokes-on-kharg-island-question-says-i-cant-tell ] *All vessels shall not pass Hormuz Strait **IRGCN Gen Ali Tangsiri[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6771339/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D9%87%DB%8C%DA%86-%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AA%D8%A8%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%AA%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2 ] *How much of a cuckold is American president, Australian police has taken our girls out of the hotel and forced and made them to apply for asylum **Mehdi Taj Chairman National Football Federation[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77458637/%D9%85%D9%87%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%85%D9%87%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%86%D9%87-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AC ] *We are prepared to wage war against America for next at least another 10 year **IRGC Gen Jabari[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449662/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%DA%A9%D9%84-%D8%B3%D9%BE%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D9%85%D8%B7%D9%84%D8%B9-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%D9%88%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D9%87 ] *Iran is the conscious of the humanity, its real dignity and glory. It is chosen people fighting for the Victory of the Light. It it Ormuzd, Ishraq. Mahdi people. **Dugin Alexander[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77392273/%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D9%88%DA%AF%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86 ] *The recent war is between good and evil **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77432191/%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D9%88-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B7%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ] *Like thunder we will strike Haifa **IRGC Gen Seid mousavi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449498/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D9%84%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AD%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87 ] * Iran’s leaders before the attack had been clear that they were willing to negotiate on the nuclear question. Talks were ongoing... There had appeared to be a good basis for agreement, given... an Iranian government that... was not in a position to enrich uranium... for the foreseeable future. ...Americans ...were deeply unhappy with the results of America’s last big wars of {{w|regime change}} ...[[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|in Afghanistan]] [[Iraq War|and Iraq]]. At the beginning of this joint [[w:2026 Iran war|US–Israel campaign against Iran]], only about a third of Americans supported the adventure... ** Dana Allin, "US politics and the war against Iran" (Mar 2, 2026) [https://www.iiss.org/online-analysis/online-analysis/2026/02/the-us-israel-campaign-in-iran/ "The US-Israel campaign in Iran"] @[[w:International Institute for Strategic Studies|IISS]].org *This is a war that should end it once and for all. ::[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6764020/%D9%86%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AF ICA] (Mar 2 2026) *Our Brave and Powerful Armed Forces will avenge each and every Iranian mother, , father, and child who has been targeted by hostile forces. **foreign minister Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77405403/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA ] *There is no shelter you can be safe **[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177298212045678 IRGC text] *We will fill Americans' coffins there is no end to war unless they fully surrender. **IRGC operations mission statement[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77389339 ] *Trump is more than 500 Americans killed dead America first or israel first. Inshallah Khamenei killing has heavy price **Larijani[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77384703/%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%AD%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8-%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%87%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DB%8C%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] * Irregardless of cost. Not unlike United States of America. Same as Iran has not in past 300 years started wars, Iran is ready for long war. ** [[w:Ali Larijani|Ali Larijani]], Secretary of the Supreme National Security Council of Iran. [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77359057 Source (in Persian)] *Now that we have baited America do not make ceasefire and/or peace we must destroy them ::Ayatallah Panahian[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388174/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%BE%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%86%D9%BE%D8%B0%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AF ] *From us Iranian people only President son Aga Yusuf Pezeshkian and his buddies have internet connection. ::[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388864/%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%81%D9%82%D8%B7-%D8%A2%D9%82%D8%A7-%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B4-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Payamemam] * These attacks from Israel and the United States... were unprovoked. There was no immanent threat. Many would interpret this war to be an illegal war. ** Evaleila Pesaran, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJnVYpbKuM&t=600s "The war with Iran: An expert analysis"] (Mar 2, 2026) Youtube video from [[University of Cambridge|Cambridge University]] channel. * I see no indication that ...those institutions are weak or fraying or that you can destroy ...[them] from the air. ...[T]his administration is trying to justify the war the same way [[Jackson Pollock]] used to paint. You just throw a bucket of reasons up against the canvas and hope the result looks good. ...Iranian missiles ... [as] a threat to the United States... falls short of the truth by about 4,000 miles ...[I]f we're doing preventative wars now to prevent countries that might one day be a threat, is [[North Korea]]... [[China]]... [[Russia]] in line? I don't think so. ...I can't make head or tails out of the reason this administration has put forward for this war. ** [[w:Alan Eyre (diplomat)|Alan Eyre]], "Expert panel breaks down U.S. objectives in Iran war" (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|PBS News Hour}}''. * Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) * If the [[Precedents|precedent]] that is being set is, "Any country with super * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' *The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, a few weeks ago, you {{w|2026 Minab school attack|bomb the schools}}, you bomb the hospitals. That’s American policy in foreign countries. It’s most visible in the case of Israeli policy, in Gaza, and now the West Bank as well. And it is the same policy that the United States has followed in Iran. ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/ "The war on Iran is transforming the global economy: Economist Michael Hudson explains how"] (Mar 29, 2026) @Geopolitical Economy Report * Whenever a state chooses to go to [[war]]... you have to ask—where is the [[w:Intelligence assessment|intelligence]] on the threat? ...[T]he Trump administration ...in hurry mode ...chose to set [[diplomacy]] aside, despite the fact that the [mediating] [[w:Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi#Diplomatic career|Omani foreign minister]] ...was convinced that remarkable progress had been made on the issue of [[Nuclear program of Iran|Iranian nuclear weapons]] ...[T]wo other arguments for the war: that the US faced an imminent threat from [[Iran]], and that Iran’s {{w|ballistic missile}} capability threatened the United States. Scratch this last claim—it’s simply not [[Truth|true]] ...Why would a much-weakened [[Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Republic]] pose an "imminent threat" ..? [[Marco Rubio]] has come forward with an absurd argument ...Does anyone truly believe that Israel would go it alone ...without US backing, that the operation was not jointly planned? ...This is all desperate [[storytelling]], not intelligence. ** {{w|Wesley Wark}}, "[https://thewalrus.ca/iran-foreign-policy-experts/ Eight Experts on What You’re Not Being Told about the War in Iran:] The questions that aren’t making it into the battlefield dispatches" (Mar 3, 2026) @''{{w|The Walrus}}'' * Ironically, the greatest beneficiaries of the United States’ grave [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]]s of [[international law]] are the very actors whom, under normal circumstances, Washington would be seeking to restrain: [[Moscow]] will be emboldened to continue its barbaric [[w:Russo-Ukrainian war|assault on Ukraine]], while [[China]] will feel empowered to move on [[Taiwan]]. ** [[w:Stephanie Turco Williams|Stephanie T. Williams]], "Flying blind" (March 2, 2026) [https://www.brookings.edu/articles/after-the-strike-the-danger-of-war-in-iran/ "After the strike: The danger of war in Iran"] [[w:Brookings Institution|Brookings]]. * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} *It's going to be... tempting for countries to think that in a world where there are no rules.., no [[w:Law of war|rules of war]], where that [[w:Liberal international order|post-war liberal order]], imperfect as it was, is now completely being disregarded.., that makes the world more dangerous for all of us. ...[T]here was an [[order]] of some kind ...a view that a degree of [[w:Consensus decision-making|international consensus]] was necessary ...before ...[[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervening in foreign countries]]. There were rules of war... [A]ll of us need to be... very thoughtful about supporting the creation of a world where anything goes, and [[might makes right]]. ...[[United States|America]] is still the preeminent [[power]], the {{w|superpower}}, the global [[Hegemony|hegemon]]. ...I hope this is a moment for Americans to reflect on the facts that the rules-based international order, which did act as a constraint on American power, also provided America with some meaningful [[protection]]. ** [[Chrystia Freeland]], Chrystia Freeland on Iran, Ukraine, and Global Power Shifts | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}'' (Mar 3, 2026) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlj_beVDuxg&t=196s 3:16.] * [I]f it's... possible that there are about to be acts of [[terrorism]] by [[Iran]] inside the United States, how can [[United States Congress|Congress]] continue to blockade funds for the [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Department of Homeland Security]] until it gets [[reform]]s... including an end to the [[lying]]..? You're going to see a real press by the [[Second presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] to say, "Release the funds and let the Department... resume... operations.., including falsely calling people terrorists if they operate a camera near an immigration agent." You're going to see attacks on the [[freedom of the press]]. This administration... regards it as illegal, criminal, for reporters simply to ask questions of [[The Pentagon|Pentagon employees]]... Only the designated leaders... get to speak... and if they're... saying things that look like they might not be [[Truth|true]], you can't second guess or question them. We have had many instances... of false indications of [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|emergency powers]]. The whole [[w:Tariffs in the second Trump administration|tariff nonsense]]... rested on [[Falsehood|false claims]] of the president... about economic emergency. ...[N]ow there's a real [[war]].., a real risk of terrorist activity... That's a much more plausible emergency.., and... what [[Courts|court]] will say, "We don't think you're telling the truth about this either"? ...So there will be new assertions of emergency power... [P]eople who have the president's ear have been urging him to use emergency powers against the [[w:2026 United States elections|elections of 2026]]. The possibility of that... are much higher today... than... a week ago. ...We're moving into extraordinary danger to democratic institutions. The [[w:2026 Iran war|war in Iran]]... is an urgent [[w:Domestic policy of the second Trump administration|domestic policy]] question... a massive grant of power to a president and administration that have proven... that they will [[Abuse of power|abuse any powers]] that they are en[[trust]]ed with. ** [[David Frum]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=190s No Exit from Trump's War:] with Tom Nichols" The David Frum Show. A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. (Mar 4 2026) *"Senate votes down resolution to stop Trump from continuing war with Iran" (Mar 4, 2026) **<small>''{{w|The Independent}}''. [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/senate-iran-war-vote-trump-powers-resolution-b2932221.html Source.]</small> *Nobody gets to hide and give the president an easy pass or an end-run around the Constitution. Everybody's got to declare whether they're for this war or against it. ** Sen. [[Tim Kaine]] *War is ugly, it always has been ugly, but we're taking out a regime that has been trying to attack us for quite some time. ** Sen. [[Markwayne Mullin]] *I learned when I was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, that when elites in Washington bang the war drums, pound their chest, talk about the costs of war and act tough, they're not talking about them doing it, they're not talking about their kids. They're talking about working class kids like us. ** Rep. [[Jason Crow]] * Why are we going into Iran? ...[I]t is the president's [[wikt:vainglory#Noun|vainglory]]. He thinks he's on a roll, that... this is easy to do; that you can [[w:2026 United States intervention in Venezuela|knock off dictatorships like Venezuela]], and then have a parade; that this solves a lot of his problems. It gets people not talking about the [[Epstein files]]. ...[A] huge chunk of [[Donald Trump]]'s [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] is rooted in trying to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files. ...[H]e is that [[wikt:narrow-minded#Adjective|narrow]] and [[wikt:crass#Adjective|crass]]. ...Now he's going to say he's a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|war president]]. That means you can't criticize me... I can stomp on the press... I can declare a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|national emergency]]. ...As the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|British Parliament]] said... in [~]1944... "This is not a propitious time for an [[Elections|election]]." ...[[wikt:mischief#Noun|[M]ischief]] comes with a war because... presidential war powers... become almost unchallengeable. ** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=797s Trump’s War With Iran and a New Danger at Home] | The [[David Frum]] Show (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. *[[Donald Trump|The president]] was not going to be just another president on a very long list who sat back and stood by and passed the buck of this direct threat to the next administration. The president had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States, was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. **[[Karoline Leavitt]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html "Karoline Leavitt insists Trump had a ‘feeling based on fact’ before Iran strikes but still won’t detail imminent threat to US"]], ''The Independent'' (05 March 2026) *[T]o take on the extraordinary risks... without having made the case with the American people.., citing immanent threats that aparently don't exist... that's problematic, and the chances of unintended consequences... are... very serious... [W]e're... using.., in many cases very expensive weapons to take down $20,000 drones. That's not a good equation... over time. ...I'm worried about ...second and third order consequences ...we so deplete our arsenal, and it takes a long time to rebuild ...puts us in a disadvantageous position when it comes to ...a [[China]] or ...[[Russia]]. ...[M]uch as ...everyone should want to see a change... it may simply ...reinforce the [[Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps|IRGC]] ...[I]t's very hard to produce regime change from outside. You can't bomb your way to it. ...The [[wikt:red flag#Noun|red flag]] ...is that this could be [[Syrian civil war|Syria]] [[wikt:redux#Noun|redux]] or ...[[Libyan Crisis (2011–present)|Libya]] redux ...the country fracturing, imploding or even exploding with [[refugee]]s and [[w:International migration|migration]].., [[Extremism|extremist]] groups taking hold... It's incredibly ...[[dangerous]]. ...[I]t's never too late for [[diplomacy]]. ...<br />[W]hen [[Russia]] is ...reaching a weak point because of its dependence on oil to fuel its war economy ...they get a lifeline, ...the price of oil is going up. The [[Europe|Europeans]], in having moved away from Russian gas, are now more dependent on the [[Middle East]]. ...If the {{w|Strait of Hormuz}} gets tied up ...that's ...a lot of pressure ...So mapping out, gaming out, planning out and ...making sure you have something in place to deal with ...second and third order effects is ...important, and it's not ...clear ...that was done ...There's been a shifting rationale ...[or] explanation for why this, why now? ...That's why it's so important to have ...laid this out before the American people, and our partners and allies. We might have had less friction with them if there was a compelling case ...and had them on the take-off, not mid-flight or on the landing. ** [[Antony Blinken]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHgG-lkOi6w&t=74s "Former Secretary of State on the Two Keys to Ending Iran War"] (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from the [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]] Podcasts channel. *Majority of Experts Assembly has come to pick next leader who is Seid. **Dirbaz[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764537-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C ] (Mar 8 2026) * Unprovoked attacks by the [[United States|US]] and [[Israel]]... violate the fundamental prohibition on the use of [[force]], [[Sovereignty|sovereign]] [[equality]], {{w|territorial integrity}}, and the [[duty]] to [[Peace|peacefully]] settle disputes... They also violate the {{w|right to life}}... We cannot pick and choose when [[international law]] applies. Unlawful [[military]] [[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervention]] is not a solution... These attacks do not strike military abstractions – they strike people... {{w|Civilian}}s are bearing the brunt of this war... In a country that has already lost thousands to [[Violence|violent]] [[Political repression|repression]]... these attacks deepen... profound human [[tragedy]]... The targeting of civilians, educational facilities, and medical institutions constitutes a grave violation of [[international humanitarian law]] and [[w:International human rights law|human rights law]]... Any path forward must be grounded in the [[rule of law]], the will of the [[Iranians|Iranian people]], and full accountability for the [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]] of international law, by all parties... ** {{w|Mai Sato}}, [[w:Cecilia Bailliet|Cecilia M. Bailliet]], {{w|Astrid Puentes Riaño}}, {{w|Alexandra Xanthaki}}, {{w|Farida Shaheed}}, Surya Deva, {{w|Margaret Satterthwaite}}, {{w|Gina Romero}}, Nicolas Levrat, [[w:Richard Bennett (UN)|Richard Bennett]], Tomoya Obokata, [[w:Mary Lawlor (human rights advocate)|Mary Lawlor]], {{w|Ben Saul}}, {{w|Alice Jill Edwards}}, [[Francesca Albanese]], Morris Tidball-Binz, {{w|Siobhán Mullally}}, Gabriella Citroni, Grażyna Baranowska, Aua Baldé, Ana Lorena Delgadillo Pérez, {{w|Bina D'Costa}}, {{w|Claudia Flores}}, Ivana Krstić, {{w|Dorothy Estrada-Tanck}}, Haina Lu, [[Reem Alsalem]], {{w|Paula Gaviria Betancur}}, Elizabeth Salmón, Mariana Katzarova (Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, volunteer Special Rapporteurs/Independent Experts/Working Groups) [https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2026/03/iran-un-experts-call-de-escalation-and-accountability "Iran: UN experts call for de-escalation and accountability"] (Mar 4, 2026) [[w:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|OHCHR]]. * [[Mohammed bin Salman|The Crown Prince]] and other [[w:Arab states of the Persian Gulf|Gulf]] leaders have been urging America not to undertake military action against Iran, because all of us believe... action will not remain confined to Iran; that Iran will retaliate against American in the area, which is present in all of the Gulf states, and as far away as [[Turkey]]... They've been warning the Americans not to undertake military action and suffer the consequences. ...I don't think the system in Iran will collapse any time soon. ...Iranian leadership has been preparing for an eventuality like this, because of what they have continued to hear from [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Mr. Netanyahu]] in the past 40 years. He has been calling for the destruction of Iran, and so the Iranians... have been preparing themselves for such an eventuality. ...The only way the system will go... is through the Iranian people. ** {{w|Turki bin Faisal Al Saud}}, "Fmr. Saudi Intelligence Chief Discusses Gulf States' Reaction to Iran Attacks | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}''" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfGcX4XuZ5A&t=62s 1:02,] 5:08. * Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever been hit before.., THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! ** [[Donald J. Trump]], post on Truth Social, "Trump warns Iran of unprecedented force if it retaliates" (Feb 28, 2026) {{w|Reuters}}. *I think the war is very complete, pretty much. [Iran has] no navy, no communications, they've got no air force. Their missiles are down to a scatter. Their drones are being blown up all over the place, including their manufacturing of drones. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says 'the war is very complete,' and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"], ''CBS News'' (Mar 9 2026) *US officials are posting fake news to manipulate narkets. It won't protect them from inflationary tsunami they've imposed on Americans Markets are facing biggest shortfall in HISTORY bigger than Arab Oil Embargo, Kuwait **[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D9%84%D9%84-17/764878-%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AC%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 Mr Iraqchi] (Mar 10 2026) *If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again - Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them - But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2031167037620236703 Trump on TruthSocial] (10 March 2026) *Most definitely we are not seeking ceasefire we will break zionist life cycle of war-negotiations-ceasefire and then war again forever **Moahamedbagher Ghabilaf[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764797-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86- %D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] (Mar 10 2026) *Take Bahrain back! Annex it **MP Aytallah Resaei Hamid[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200147-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D9%86%D9%85%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%BE%D8%B3-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ], 12 March 2026 *I have seen his body after martyred, I heard he clenched his fist.You people have led the country. The will of the masses is to continue the effective and regrettable defense. Certainly, the leverage of blocking the Strait of Hormuz should still be used. Neighboring countries must make their position clear to the aggressors against our country... In any case, we will demand compensation from the enemy; if they refuse, we will seize as much of their property as we determine; if that is not possible, we will destroy as much of their property as we can. **Mojtaba Khamenei (12 March 2026)[https://www.irna.ir/news/86100475/%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B8%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%82%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%82%D8%B4-%D9%88-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D8%AD%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF ][https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200277-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%B5%D8%B1%D9%81-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Aggression against soil of Iranian islands will shatter all restraint. We will abandon all restraint and make the Persian Gulf run with the blood of invaders. **[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77477478/%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%81-%D9%87%D8%B1%DA%AF%D9%88%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9-%D8%AC%D8%B2%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%85%DB%8C], ''Qalibaf'' (12 March 2026) *The [[United States]] is the largest Oil Producer in the World, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. BUT, of far greater interest and importance to me, as President, is stoping an evil Empire, Iran, from having Nuclear Weapons, and destroying the [[Middle East]] and, indeed, the World. I won’t ever let that happen! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-updates-supreme-leader-trump-oil-b2937272.html "Iran-US war latest: Supreme leader statement threatens fresh attacks after UK base in Iraq hit by drone swarm"], ''The Independent'' (12 March 2026) *As long as America and Zionist exist humankind will not see quiet. To establish peace they must be destroyed **Aytallah Khatami Imam Tehran [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77485962/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%AA%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AF ][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77487036/%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B4%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF] (13 March 2026) *Just run! **IRGC hebrew text [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499999/%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%D8%A7-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If Americans do heliborne operation on taking over Khark Island we will attack their bases and take prisoners **FM Manouchehr Motaki Iran negotiators [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77500152/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AA%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AC%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%DA%A9-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84-%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If the [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] games are in [[Mexico]] maybe we will go **Minister of youth & sport [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499588/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4-%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B2%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7], (14 March 2026) *Countries in region are supposed to pay reparations for killing Khamenei. **VP Mohammed Mokhber [https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6774791/%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D9%85%DA%A9%D9%84%D9%81-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AE%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF] (14 March 2026) *When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones. **[[President Trump]] quoted when asked when the war will end: [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-says-iran-war-will-end-when-i-feel-it-in-my-bones_uk_69b57775e4b09d87d0277fa2 "Trump Says Iran War Will End 'When I Feel It In My Bones'"], ''Huffington Post'' (14 March 2026) *It's a little unfair. You win a war, but they have no right to be doing what they're doing. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c70k29914q4o "Surge in US petrol prices deepens political peril for Trump over Iran"], ''BBC News'' (17 March 2026) *Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116245182325726375 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (17 Mar 2026) *[[Israel]], out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East, has violently lashed out at a major facility known as South Pars Gas Field in Iran. A relatively small section of the whole has been hit. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack, and the country of [[Qatar]] was in no way, shape, or form, involved with it, nor did it have any idea that it was going to happen. Unfortunately, Iran did not know this, or any of the pertinent facts pertaining to the South Pars attack, and unjustifiably and unfairly attacked a portion of Qatar’s LNG Gas facility. NO MORE ATTACKS WILL BE MADE BY ISRAEL pertaining to this extremely important and valuable South Pars Field unless Iran unwisely decides to attack a very innocent, in this case, Qatar - In which instance the United States of America, with or without the help or consent of Israel, will massively blow up the entirety of the South Pars Gas Field at an amount of strength and power that Iran has never seen or witnessed before. I do not want to authorize this level of violence and destruction because of the long term implications that it will have on the future of Iran, but if Qatar’s LNG is again attacked, I will not hesitate to do so. **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116253388303392718 Truth Social] (Mar 19, 2026) * Iranian missiles do not differentiate between Muslim and Christian and Jew and whichever religion, they're out there to kill anybody because they feel everybody who doesn't accept their belief is an infidel. **Israeli President [[Isaac Herzog]] following the 2026 Beit Awwa salon strike in the West Bank. (Mar 19, 2026)[https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890479] *We are getting very close to meeting our objectives as we consider winding down our great Military efforts in the Middle East with respect to the Terrorist Regime of [[Iran]]: (1) Completely degrading Iranian Missile Capability, Launchers, and everything else pertaining to them. (2) Destroying Iran’s Defense Industrial Base. (3) Eliminating their Navy and Air Force, including Anti Aircraft Weaponry. (4) Never allowing Iran to get even close to Nuclear Capability, and always being in a position where the U.S.A. can quickly and powerfully react to such a situation, should it take place. (5) Protecting, at the highest level, our Middle Eastern Allies, including [[Israel]], [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Qatar]], the [[United Arab Emirates]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Kuwait]], and others. The [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] will have to be guarded and policed, as necessary, by other Nations who use it — The United States does not! **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116263563453969628 Truth Social] (Mar 20, 2026) [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Strait of Hormuz]] *If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]], within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyxv87zwwpo "Trump at a crossroads as US weighs tough options in Iran"], ''BBC News'' (21 March 2026) *In difficult times like these, when events seem both confused and confusing, [[Mark Twain]]’s “broken fragments of antique legends” can remind us of historical analogies like the collapse of the power and influence of [[Great Britain]] or of the [[Soviet Union]] that can help us understand how the past often whispers to the present — as it indeed seems to be doing these days in the [[Strait of Hormuz]]. ** [[Alfred W. McCoy]], [https://inkstickmedia.com/how-the-iran-war-gave-trump-his-very-own-suez-crisis/ "How the Iran War Gave Trump His Very Own Suez Crisis"] (21 March 2026) *No countries that are [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization|NATO]] allies that have been bullied by Trump are going to be willing… to go on this suicide mission for someone who is an asshole to them. **Adam Mockler from [[w:MeidasTouch|MeidasTouch]] quoted telling [[CNN]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/trump-iran-gamble-failed-americas-allies-pay-it-4309972 "Trump’s Iran gamble has failed – and America’s allies will pay for it"], ''iNews'' (March 22, 2026) *Maybe me. Me and the ayatollah, whoever the ayatollah is, whoever the next ayatollah is. There’s automatically a regime change, but we’re dealing with some people that I find to be very reasonable, very solid. The people within know who they are. They’re very respected, and maybe one of them will be exactly what we’re looking for. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on who would control the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped. **[[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *Because they’re going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present. And the present arrived today. And it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.… That meant one thing to me—we’re dealing with the right people. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on negotiations with [[Iran]] in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/4556482986909-trump-says-he-changed-his-mind-after-iran-gave-very-big-present "Trump Says He Changed His Mind After Iran Gave 'Very Big Present'"], ''Newsbreak'' (24 March 2026) *Has the level of your inner ⁠struggle reached the stage ⁠of you negotiating with yourself? **Iranian Ebrahim Zolfaqari's rhetorical question to Donald Trump quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/25/us-talking-to-itself-says-iran-as-trump-claims-wheels-of-diplomacy-turning "US talking to itself, says Iran as Trump claims wheels of diplomacy turning"], ''Al Jazeera'' (25 March 2026) * The enemy signals negotiation in public, while in secret it plots a ground attack. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place. Our determination and faith have increased. [Iranian forces] are waiting for the arrival of American troops on the ground to set them on fire and punish their regional partners for ever. ** Iranian parliament speaker, [[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]], quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/29/iran-accuses-us-plotting-ground-assault-publicly-seeking-talks "Iran accuses US of plotting ground assault while publicly seeking talks"], ''Guardian'' (29 March 2026) *This is our God: Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them. * ([[Isaiah]] 1:15) ‘Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.’ **[[Pope Leo XIV]] quoting ''Book of Isaiah'', reported in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cje4x38q8xqt?post=asset%3A58d1f907-b13b-443a-b413-d7741b63b566 "'Hands full of blood': Pope Leo seemingly criticises those involved in war"], ''BBC News'' (29 March 2026) ===Apr 2026=== [[File:Gas prices Sonoma, California April 7 2026.jpg|thumb|Trump: We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages.]] *We're finishing the job, and I think within maybe two weeks, maybe a couple of days longer, to do the job. But we want to knock out every single thing they have. Now, it's possible that we'll make a deal before that. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=ad13f6002bde4e30befd5495f58499d9 "Trump: US could leave Iran in 2 to 3 weeks, securing Strait of Hormuz is 'not for us'"], ''AP News'' (Apr 1, 2026) *We will consider [a ceasefire] when [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting [[Iran]] into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-speech-stone-age-b2950116.html "Trump threatens both Iran and NATO allies ahead of primetime address on war: ‘Back to the Stone Ages’"], ''Independent'' (Apr 1, 2026) *If hostility escalates, the entire region will turn into hell for you; the illusion of defeating the Islamic Republic of Iran will become a quagmire into which you will sink. **[[w:Ebrahim Zolfaghari|Ebrahim Zolfaghari]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y90jl8veyo US and "Iran trade threats to unleash 'hell' as search for missing US airman continues"], ''BBC News'' (4 April 2026) *In the attempt to try to prevent Iran from developing a weapon of mass destruction, the US handed Iran a weapon of mass disruption. **Ali Vaez, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/us-intelligence-warns-iran-unlikely-ease-hormuz-strait-chokehold-soon-sources-2026-04-03/ Reuters] *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg0q6wdzp1o Trump issues expletive-laden threat to Iran over Hormuz Strait blockage], ''BBC News'' (5 April 2026) * Subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz, I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * If attacks against Iran are halted, our Powerful Armed Forces will cease their defensive operations. For a period of two weeks, safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz will be possible via coordination with Iran's Armed Forces and with due consideration of technical limitations. ** Iran’s foreign minister, [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire "US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz"], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards, other than a short term extortion of the World by using International Waterways. The only reason they are alive today is to negotiate! ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/10/jd-vance-warns-iran-against-trying-to-play-the-us-in-peace-talks "JD Vance warns Iran against trying to ‘play’ the US in peace talks"], ''The Guardian'' (10 April 2026 ) *The simple question is, do we see a fundamental commitment of will for the Iranians not to develop a nuclear weapon, not just now, not just two years from now, but for the long term. We haven’t seen that yet. **[[JD Vance]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-peace-talks-vance-trump-b2956013.html "Why the US-Iran peace talks failed after just one day – and what happens next"], ''The Independent'' (12 April 2026) * We’re going to clean out the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) * We’re very disappointed with [[NATO]], we’re very, very disappointed that they didn’t come. Now, they want to come and they want to help with the strait. **Trump quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) [[File:Straße von Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Trump - Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again]] * In line with the ceasefire in Lebanon, the passage for all commercial vessels through [the] [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] is declared completely open for the remaining period of ceasefire, on the coordinated route as already announced by Ports and Maritime Organisation of the Islamic Rep. of Iran. ** Iran Foreign Minister [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cqxdg17yr2wt Iran says Strait of Hormuz is 'open' as Trump says US blockade will continue until deal reached], ''BBC News'' (Apr 17, 2026) * [[Iran]] has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116420562510387829 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (Apr 17, 2026) * Based on the fact that the Government of [[Iran]] is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister [[w:Shehbaz Sharif|Shehbaz Sharif]], of [[Pakistan]], we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx297218m9vt "Iran says reopening Strait of Hormuz 'impossible' if US blockade continues"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 22, 2026) * We are all 'Iranian' and 'revolutionary,' and with the iron unity of the nation and government, with complete obedience to the Supreme Leader. We will make the aggressor criminal regret his actions. ** Iran's President {{w|Masoud Pezeshkian}} quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c0mjev4kn9jt?page=2 "Trump says Israel-Lebanon ceasefire extended by three weeks, but he won't 'rush' Iran deal"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 24, 2026) ===May 2026=== *Iran has taken some shots at unrelated Nations with respect to the Ship Movement, PROJECT FREEDOM, including a South Korean Cargo Ship. Perhaps it’s time for South Korea to come and join the mission!{{Pbri}}We’ve shot down seven small Boats or, as they like to call them, “fast” Boats. It’s all they have left. Other than the South Korean Ship, there has been, at this moment, no damage going through the Strait. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Dan Caine, will have a News Conference tomorrow morning. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth], 4 May 2026 *Countries from all over the World. almost all of which are not involved in the Middle Eastern dispute going on so visibly, and violently, for all to see, have asked the United States if we could help free up their Ships. which are locked up in the Strait of Hormuz, on something which they have absolutely nothing to do with - They are merely neutral and innocent bystanders! For the good of Iran, the Middle East, and the United States, we have told these Countries that we will guide their Ships safely out of these restricted Waterways, so that they can freely and ably get on with their business. Again, these are Ships from areas of the World that are not in any way involved with that which is currently taking place in the Middle East. I have told my Representatives to inform them that we will use best efforts to get their Ships and Crews safely out of the Strait. In all cases, they said they will not be returning until the area becomes safe for navigation, and everything else. This process, '''Project Freedom''', will begin Monday morning, Middle East time. I am fully aware that my Representatives are having very positive discussions with the Country of Iran, and that these discussions could lead to something very positive for all. The Ship movement is merely meant to free up people, companies, and Countries that have done absolutely nothing wrong - They are victims of circumstance. This is a Humanitarian gesture on behalf of the United States, Middle Eastern Countries but, in particular, the Country of Iran. Many of these Ships are running low on food, and everything else necessary for large scale crews to stay on board in a healthy and sanitary manner. I think it would go a long way in showing Goodwill on behalf of all of those who have been fighting so strenuously over the last number of months. If, in any way, this Humanitarian process is interfered with, that interference will, unfortunately, have to be dealt with forcefully. Thank you for your attention to this matter! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth] *Quranic verdict of Zarif and Rouhani is execution definitely indeed **Qasemian[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213690/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%DA%A9%D9%85-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%B8%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%82%D8%B7%D8%B9%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85 ]19:05, (3 May 2026) * Do you take out your wife, sister and wife so that unmarried men can look? There is a law, the parliament has approved it. I advise these women who come out without hijab: gather yourself. If these people decide, they will destroy your life. Netanyahu kills people, you beat people's opinion. They come again and appear in the square and street. Will you bring your sister and this woman so that the eyes of non-mahram men will fall on her situation? **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213662/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AA%D8%B5%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D9%87%D8%A7 Imam Juma Rasht] (3 May 2026) * Operation Epic Fury is concluded. We achieved the objectives of that operation. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c1wz2ld4535t US "Secretary of State Marco Rubio says offensive stage of Iran war is 'over'"], ''BBC News'' (4 May 2026) * Based on the request of [[Pakistan]] and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c152zyj0599t "Trump says US will pause operation to guide ships through Strait of Hormuz"], ''BBC News'' (6 May 2026) * We have such a great military and great navy. And they were going straight through, and they said, “Turn your ship around!”. And there was no response. “Turn your ship around! Evacuate your engine room immediately!” And you see all these guys running out of there. Now, they’re five miles away — in one shot, into the engine room, blew up the engine room; the ship stopped, and they used tugboats. And then we landed on top of it — on top of everything else — we then land on top of it. And '''we took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business'''. Who would have thought we were doing that? '''We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates'''. But we’re not playing games. ** Trump quoted in [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/ Trump boasts ‘we’re like pirates’, seizing Iran’s ships, as China challenges US sanctions]. Geopolitical Economy Report. (9 May 2026) * We will never bow our heads before the enemy, and if talk of dialogue or negotiation arises, it does not mean surrender or retreat. ** Iranian President [[w:Masoud Pezeshkian|Masoud Pezeshkian]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clypgz9e5pmo "Trump calls Iran response to US proposal to end war 'totally unacceptable"], ''BBC News'' (10 May 2026) * 1. They martyred the great and devoted leader of the Islamic Revolution; 2. No Muslim country came to Iran aid. What sort of Islam is this .. what kind of Muslimhoodness is this; 3.Iran continues to resist the big and small Satan (America and Israel); 4. On one side of today's battle are America and Israel, and on the other side are Muslim Iran and the resistance forces. Which side are you; 5. Think about the future of the Islamic world. You know that America is not loyal to you and Israel is your enemy. Think for a minute about yourself and the future of the region; 6. Unity of the Islamic Ummah with all its power can provide and guarantee the security, excellence and independence of countries for everyone **letter to 6 countries Larijani[https://fa.alalam.ir/news/7428293/%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%DB%B6-%D8%A8%D9%86%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%84%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C ] *If you want Internet, pack and get up, leave your things, go to Afghanistan, live where there is Internet. **IRIB anchor man [https://fararu.com/fa/news/970808/%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-5g-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D8%A7-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ]p *Like a rogue gang, the Iranian regime is pillaging resources that rightfully belong to the Iraqi people. Treasury will not stand idly by as Iran's military exploits Iraqi oil to fund terrorism against the United States and our partners. **[https://twitter.com/SecScottBessent/status/2052447601304178863?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Bessent] *God's order to fight Fitne. Israel is to be wiped out. Division causes failure against enemies **Imam Karaj[https://www.imna.ir/news/971477/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%AA%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%81-%D8%A7%D9%81%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ][https://www.didbaniran.ir/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-3/284228-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AE%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%AF%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Report of high Damage of internet blackout from government is greatly exaggerated. **[https://www.zoomit.ir/iran-news/459800-denies-exaggerated-internet-outage-claims/] MP of Tehran 18:28, 15 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Trump is hopeless and desperate he went to begging China for no result. He will not be satisfied until Iran is destroyed. **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2219513/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%84-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%DA%86%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%86%D8%AA%DB%8C%D8%AC%D9%87-%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA Ayatollah Imam Ardebil] (15 May 2026) *China encourages the US and Iran to continue resolving their differences and disputes, including the nuclear issue, through negotiations, and advocates the swift reopening of the Strait of Hormuz on the basis of maintaining a ceasefire **Chinese FM Wang in [https://aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/chinese-top-diplomat-urges-diplomacy-on-iran-after-trump-xi-summit/3938851] (15 May 2026) *The most important issue today is trust. We cannot trust the Americans in any way **[https://en.mehrnews.com/news/244536/Araghchi-holds-presser-in-New-Delhi], Iraqchi (15 May 2026) *We’ve taken out much of what we’d have to do, probably another two weeks, two weeks, maybe three weeks I’m very torn on it, because they lost 42,000 people in the first two weeks. I don’t really want to see that You can’t have an unarmed population against people with AK-47s The Iranian people have to have guns and I think they’re getting some guns. * As soon as they have guns, they’ll fight like as good as anybody there is. **President Trump 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~~[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605057012 ] *They can either agree to a piece of paper that is satisfactory to the United States, or they can face a punishment from our military, the likes of which has not been seen in modern history. That’s the choice that they face **Miller [https://unb.com.bd/category/World/trump-official-warns-iran-of-unprecedented-military-action-over-deal-holdout/186431 ] 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Our American issue solves when they surely get the powerfulness we have , and they can't do anything against us **Mohamed Mkokhber[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222394/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%84-%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%84-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%84-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 ] (22 May 2026) * Matchmaking booths had been set up at rallies in Tehran, allowing young men and women to register for introductions under what organizers call “easy marriage. **Fars[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605215847 ] *It's a possibility Iran we can go around ceasefire **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222363/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%DA%A9%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B3%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%B2 ] National security Islamic Cunsultative Assembly MP (22 May 2026) *Trying to prohibit Iranians in LA from bringing the Lion and Sun flag into the stadium is like trying to prevent Americans from bringing the U.S. flag into an American stadium. It would cause mass unrest. * [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] matches best illustrate the passion Iranian-Americans feel for their homeland and the contempt they feel toward the Iranian government. Waving the Lion and Sun flag is simultaneously a show of support for the national team and a protest against the regime. **[https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/7288376/2026/05/19/world-cup-fifa-iran-flag/] ''NYTimes'' (22 May 2026) * This is not good timing for me, I have a thing called Iran and other things ** Trump quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605214172#:~:text=US%20President%20Donald%20Trump%20said,called%20Iran%20and%20other%20things.%E2%80%9D ] (22 May 2026) * I laugh at all of the Dumocrats, RINOS, and Fools who know nothing about the potential deal I am making with Iran, things that haven’t even been negotiated yet. ** Trump quoted in [https://nypost.com/2026/05/25/us-news/president-trump-heralds-memorial-day-by-trashing-dumocrats-rinos-and-fools/ "Trump trashes ‘Dumocrats, RINOS and Fools’ who question his Iran plans in Memorial Day message"] ''NYPost'' (22 May 2026) *The ayatollah has been replaced by a ‘thugocracy’. **Kirk Lippold [https://www.japantimes.co.jp/commentary/2026/06/03/world/instability-powerful-political-instrument/ ][https://www.taipeitimes.com/News/editorials/archives/2026/05/21/2003857691 ][https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394301883112 ] *You lost hundreds of thousands of soldiers in these various wars. In two wars; Venezuela—where we lost nobody—and here We took over Venezuela. We essentially took over Iran. We have lost so far 13 people. Somebody else would have lost 100,000 people **[https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-iran-war-soldiers-killed Trump] * The humiliating defeat of Israel and the United States in their war on Iran, along with the savagery of the ongoing {{w|Gaza genocide|genocide in Gaza}}, are ushering in a new world order. This order is one where voices of reason and stability emanate not from the West — which spent tens of billions of dollars sustaining Israel’s genocide — but from the Global South, including China. It is an order where alliances are being rapidly reconfigured to protect countries from a rogue American state that lashes out like a wounded beast, as it spirals toward terminal decline. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://scheerpost.com/2026/05/29/the-rise-of-the-global-south/ The Rise of the Global South]." Scheerpost (29 May 2026) ===June 2026=== *Entebbe showed that a free people, if they mobilize their courage and muster their strength and their will, they could overcome the worst tyrannie **[https://www.jns.org/news/israel-news/netanyahu-iran-campaign-laid-groundwork-for-fall-of-the-regime Bibi] *If they do, they suffer unbelievable consequences... the ultimate consequences, Iran will not be permitted to develop, buy, or acquire one if they want to maintain a "very good relationship" with the United States. **[https://english.tupaki.com/latest-news/trump-warning-iran-nuclear-deal-g7-statement-1492147 Trump] *If General Soleimani hadn't been killed, we probably wouldn't be talking right now. He was a mad genius. They will never be able to replace this ideologue **[https://unn.ua/en/news/trump-called-the-liquidated-soleimani-a-mad-genius-and-linked-his-death-to-the-current-deal-with-iran Trump] *So many people forget that tough guys usually lead their country to the abyss. And, you know, all the tough guys, tough guys don't realize that this wasn't a three-month deal, this was years in the making. Do you know why? Because I killed General Soleimani. **[https://unn.ua/en/news/trump-called-the-liquidated-soleimani-a-mad-genius-and-linked-his-death-to-the-current-deal-with-iran Trump] [[https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/video/economics/2026/06/17/i-was-the-one-who-killed-general-soleimani-trump/ Trump] * What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking crazy. You'd be in prison if it weren't for me. I'm saving your ass. Everybody hates you now. Everybody hates Israel because of this. * I had a very productive call with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu of Israel, and there will be no Troops going to Beirut, and any Troops that are on their way have already been turned back. ** [https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-israel-lebanon-call Trump to Bibi Netanyahu][https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-lebanon-israel-bomb-beirut "'You're fucking crazy': Trump fumes at Netanyahu in call on Lebanon"] ''Axios'' (June 1, 2026) * I don’t care if they’re over, honestly. I really don’t care. I couldn’t care less. If they’re over, they’re over. If they’re not, you know, I think they took too much time. Frankly, I think they started to get a little boring. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted on peace talks in [https://www.jezebel.com/iran-war-donald-trump-boring-bored-quote-ceasefire-negotiations-suspended-israel-lebanon "Uh Oh, Trump Is Bored with Iran Peace Talks. You Know What That Means."], ''Jezebel'' (June 2, 2026) *Well, they’ve been largely decapitated. And I call it a military exercise because people would rather have it called that. They put up a blockade and so we blockaded them *[https://fortune.com/2026/06/07/trump-iran-war-military-exercise-fighting-strait-of-hormuz-no-new-wars-promise/ Trump] *I said, ‘Bibi, you better be careful, or you will be on your own very soon, **[https://english.elpais.com/international/2026-06-09/iran-war-drives-a-wedge-between-trump-and-netanyahu.html Trump] (9 June 2026) *Iran thing it's not a big thing for us **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html?eafs_enabled=false Trump] (3 June 2026) *We have the highest stock market in history with a military conflict going on, or a war — some people call it war, some people call it a military — it’s not a big thing for us. **Trump [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html] ''New York Times'' (3 June 2026) *Communists always do well with the Voters or, as they would say, THE PEOPLE, in the Early Years! But, in the end, the Country, State, or City, GOES TO HELL! Great Violence proceeds at levels never seen before, and the entity dissolves into Poverty, Squalor, and Crime. Remember, breathtaking “Popularity” first, and then, guaranteed DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.ntd.com/trump-decries-communism-says-its-breathtaking-popularity-turns-to-death-destruction-squalor_1150163.html] ''NTD'' (4 June 2026) * It’s a different part of the world. You know, I’d say in that part of the world, a ceasefire is when you’re shooting in a more moderate manner. ** Trump quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-iran-war-nuclear-deal-f6c5007b28e596e562c88b93ee785d91 "With Trump in a holding pattern on Iran war, allies and critics worry he risks getting boxed in"], ''AP News'' (4 June 2026) *There is a reason for everything. We hit them pretty hard the night before and actually last night. And when it was explained to me, I said, ‘all right, so we'll do that.’ But we've been hitting them pretty hard. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/live-updates/trump-iran-war-attacks-kuwait-airport-israel-hezbollah-ceasefire/ Trump] (4 June 2026) *Yesterday, in a meaningless vote, the House voted, 4 bad Republicans and all of the Dumocrats, to limit my War Powers, right in the middle of my final negotiations to end the War with the Islamic Republic of Iran. Who would do such an unpatriotic thing. They know where the negotiations stand. The Democrats are fueled by Trump Derangement Syndrome. They would rather have our Country fail than give me another, of many, victories. The four Republicans, that’s a whole other story - They’re GRANDSTANDERS! They should be ashamed of themselves. MAGA!!! President DJT **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-trump-ceasefire-kuwait-israel-lebanon-b2989234.html], ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *If people are stupid, we’ll end up in something where we have to wipe out an entire infrastructure of a nation **[https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-dealmaker-chief-reputation-comes-100000144.html Trump] (10 June 2026) *The Fake News Media refuses to report how EFFECTIVE the U.S. Naval BLOCKADE is, the most successful Blockade in the history of Naval Warfare. NOTHING GETS THROUGH unless we want it to. IT IS A STEEL WALL! Iran is doing ZERO business, not paying their military, or any of their bills, and quickly becoming a FAILED NATION! Lots of oil is getting out. Praise be to Allah! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725591109474316] (10 June 2026) *Iran’s Military is a complete and total mess. Much of it, like their Navy and Air Force, doesn’t even exist anymore - They have been completely defeated. Iran is all talk and no action. The Bully of the Middle East is DEAD!!! They’ve taken too long to negotiate a deal that would have been great for them, now they will have to pay the price!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725476229257491] (10 June 2026) *Last month, I directed our Great U.S. Military to execute a secret mission to support Oil Tankers and other Commercial Ships through the Straight of Hormuz. Today, I am pleased to announce that this effort has resulted in more than 100 MILLION Barrels of Oil making its way through the Straight, and into the Open Market. More than 200 Commercial Ships have safely traveled through the Strait. This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran. Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP" ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-oil-war-b2993489.html Trump to Iran: I just took your oil] ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela, which is working out brilliantly for both Venezuela and the United States of America. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116731447139970106 *The Iranian regime will lose the zero-sum game it is playing. Any damage it inflicts on our allies in the Gulf will be paid for with funds extracted from Iranian Accounts. Any tolls paid to the Persian Gulf Strait Authority will be offset by funds extracted from their accounts. Every attack Iran launches will only deepen the economic and financial consequences it faces ** [[Scott Bessent]] in [https://nitter.poast.org/Osint613/status/2065076195729793113#m Tweet] (10 June 2026) * The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. {{br}} I hereby fully authorize the toll free opening of the Strait of Hormuz, and, simultaneously herewith, authorize the immediate removal of the United States Naval blockade.{{br}}'''Ships of the World, start your engines. Let the oil flow!''' ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cj0grpyg4v1t "Iran and US agree deal to end war as Trump says Strait of Hormuz will be reopened"], ''BBC News'' (15 June 2026) * The terms that Iran leaked out to the Fake News have NOTHING to do with the terms that were agreed to, in writing. What they said, including their weak and pathetic statement on having a deal, bears no relation to the truth. Very dishonorable people to deal with. With them, there is no such thing as dealing in good faith. AMAZING! Also, their totally rebuffed Drone attack last night against Indian Ships leaving the Hormuz Strait is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. They better get their act together, and FAST! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116737418354503074 Trump post] (Jun 12, 2026) * As you have been informed, a memorandum of understanding was signed between the presidents of Iran and the United States of America.{{br}}In the course of reaching this stage, the officials in charge, out of sincere concern and goodwill, made extensive efforts—and of course, it was the American president who, out of desperation, used all kinds of leverage to bring this about. ** [[Mojtaba Khamenei]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * We expect a complete ceasefire on all fronts, including [[Lebanon]], [[Hezbollah]], and Israel, ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * He's been an amazing prime minister, but we have a little dispute over Lebanon...we're the big partner and he's the small partner, that's true. ** Trump, referring to [[Bibi Netanyahu]], quoted in [https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-belittles-netanyahu-small-partner-163100000.html "Trump belittles Netanyahu as 'small partner' after 'dispute' exposed between leaders"], ''AOL'' (Jun 17, 2026) * You don't have to knock down a building every time someone walks into it that's from Hezbollah. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * It's not our money, it's their money, and we froze it. At a certain point in time, I guess we're going to have to give it back. ** Trump quoted on the return of Iranian assets frozen during the war in: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * We’ve now fought a war, spent billions and billions of dollars, you know, put enormous strain on our military. A lot of people have died. And it feels like we’re back where we were before we started the war, except maybe a little bit worse off. ** [[Barack Obama]], [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/obama-us-may-worse-now-iran-war-rcna350733 "Obama says U.S. may be ‘worse off’ now than before Iran war"], nbcnews.com (June 19, 2026) * They closed parliament so they could sign whatever they wanted. **[[w:Hosseinali Shahriari|Hosseinali Shahriari]] quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606196854 "Iran MP says parliament was shut so officials could sign anything without oversight"], ''Iran International'' (June 19, 2026) == See also == * [[Iran]] * [[Israel]] * [[Middle East]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Might makes right]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [https://www.bbc.com BBC coverage of 2026 Iran conflict] * [https://www.aljazeera.com/news Al Jazeera: Iran crisis coverage] [[Category:2026]] [[Category:2020s in Iran]] [[Category:Wars and battles]] [[Category:Arab-Israeli conflict]] nzxrgxpk9vhe1dcucwlvvtxlvx58nvb 3955278 3955274 2026-06-22T10:54:51Z GrimRob 1187925 /* June 2026 */ fixing more slopiness 3955278 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Trump -- United States of the Middle East -- map of Iran.jpg|thumb|United States of the Middle East?[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116624042090139559 ]]][[File:2026-04-07 Trump – A whole civilization will die tonight 2026-04-07 192815.png|thumb|Based on the fact that discussions with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved, I have, as President of the United States of America, cancelled the scheduled strikes and bombings against Iran this evening. Discussions and final points have been, in both concept and great detail, approved by all parties involved, including the United States, Israel, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Turkey, Pakistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan, Egypt, and others. The Naval Blockade will remain in full force and effect until this Transaction is finalized — Time and place of the signing to be announced shortly. DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116732652997120164 ]]][[File:IRGC Seal Chest Badge.svg|thumb|Borderless fighters are overseeing your transit chokepoints. If necessary, others will also come Continue your aggression and they will seize your throat] ~ CmdrGeneralQaani [https://www.tasnimnews.ir/en/news/2026/06/09/3612261/resistance-s-new-security-belt-extends-from-hormuz-to-bab-el-mandeb-irgc-quds-force-chief ]]][[File:Dedication Stone De Becker Memorial Chapel American College.jpg|thumb|We Must Recommit to One Nation Under God.Therefore, we must restore the military draft Being a citizen of the United States gives us unparalleled freedoms and opportunities that are the envy of the world. However, these freedoms that we cherish do not come without a cost [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/celebrity/articles/comedian-rob-schneider-proposes-military-184035757.html?guccounter=1 Schneider]]][[File:Achaemenid cylinder seal showing 2 scenes. An Achaemenid king before 2 sphinxes (below god Ahura Mazda). Supernatural creature fighting 2 ibexes. 6th-4th century BCE. From Hillah, Iraq. British Museum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Straits of Hormuz are named after Ahura Mazda from Zoroastrianism [https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/2063866701356089711#m Musk]]][[File:Imam Khamenei with his son, Ayatollah Sayyid Mojtaba Khamenei.jpg|thumb|Younger. I think more rational. Wounded. He is quite seriously wounded. There is a certain bravery in that ~[https://news.am/en/news/1041776 Trump]]][[File:Abdul_Rahman_Mosque_in_March_2010.jpg|thumb|There is women with manteaus being thrown out of mosques but they are now the ones waving flag [https://www.tabnak.ir/fa/news/1375015/%D9%BE%D8%B2%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%AF-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%85%E2%80%8C%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C%E2%80%8C%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF Pezeshkia]]][[File:Comintern Logo.svg|thumb|Cuba has collapsed. We will handle that as soon as we take care of the Islamic Republic of IranWe will take good care of them. We will let them go back to their land, invest in Cuba, and be with their families. We have very good plan… then on our way back, we’ll make a little brief stop These are unbelievable people. Energetic. Entrepreneurial. Some of the richest people in Miami are Cuban[https://en.cibercuba.com/noticias/2026-06-05-u1-e199894-s27061-nid331291-trump-asegura-cubanos-quieren-presencia-estados Trump]]] [[File:Abbas Araghchi in a interview with khamenei.ir (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|The building where we were sitting was targeted, but the wing we were in remained intact , After returning from the Geneva negotiations on Friday, I went to his office at 9 a.m. on Saturday to present my report, My report was about the negotiations and the atmosphere that emerged on Friday, which made the possibility of war much greater, When I got out from under the rubble, I was only thinking about whether he had been the target of the strike or not ~Iraqchi[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606047013 ]]][[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting “I surrender, I surrender” while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary “Documents of Surrender,” and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent U.S.A., The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close ~ Trump[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605262547 ]]][[File:Official portrait of Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (borderless) (cropped).jpg|thumb|We have seized about a billion dollars of their crypto, Just outright grabbed the wallets. I think between five and a half-six weeks of an incredibly successful military campaign and then Operation Economic Fury, where we have really cut them off … they are at the end of their tether now financially. We didn't have regime change but we changed the regime, on one side, we have a theocracy with the clerics. On the other side, we have a thug autocracy with the IRGC. And you've got to convince both sides.[https://www.foxbusiness.com/media/scott-bessent-says-us-seized-roughly-1b-iranian-crypto-regime-nears-end-tether ~Bessent]]][[File:Official portrait of Secretary Marco Rubio (cropped)(2).jpg|thumb|One of the things you'll find pretty consistently in every totalitarian system is that they want to control the ability of their citizens to communicate with one another ~Rubio [https://x.com/StateDept/status/2062260777348718963 ]]] [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Blockade Plus : Sustain the blockade and accompanying economic warfare to destabilize the regime’s hold on the state; remake the world in America’s energy dominance image to mitigate long-term price impacts while undermining China’s global ambition to defeat the United States; and order the US military to forge a path through the Strait of Hormuz to restore freedom of navigation [https://nypost.com/2026/05/01/opinion/heres-how-to-crush-tehran-in-three-moves/ ]]] [[File:Pirate Flag of Jack Rackham.svg|thumb|We took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business . . . We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates. - Trump[https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/]]] [[File:Flag of the United States Secretary of the Army.svg|thumb|God is good~Hegseth[https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/06/politics/hegseth-trump-iran-war-easter-christianity-analysis ]]][[File:TrinityDetonation1945GIF.gif|thumb|If there's no ceasefire, you're just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. President DJT[https://www.skynews.com.au/world-news/united-states/one-big-glow-coming-out-of-iran-trumps-wild-threat-as-he-hints-peace-deal-talks-might-collapse/video/8a668c00deaff3d27568bc78441e4a29 ]]] [[File:Seal_of_the_Army_of_the_Guardians_of_the_Islamic_Revolution.svg|thumb|Having an atomic bomb is used to scare the enemy, and we should not use this bomb on the people in any way, unless it happens.[http://didbaniran.ir/fa/tiny/news-281553 Nataj]]][[File:Donald Trump OEF.jpg|thumb|Trump: "I think the war is very complete, pretty much" (Mar 9th)]] [[File:Shajareh_Tayyebeh_school_in_Minab_photos_from_Mehr_(12).jpg|thumb|The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, {{w|2026 Minab school attack|a few weeks ago}}, you bomb the schools, you bomb the hospitals. - [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]] [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/] ]] On 28 February 2026, [[Israel]] and the [[United States]] launched a '''[[w:2026 Iran War|coordinated joint attack]]''' on multiple sites in [[Iran]], sparking a major conflict. The operation, codenamed '''Operation Roaring Lion''' and '''Operation Epic Fury''' by the [[w:United States Department of Defense|U.S. Department of Defense]], targeted senior Iranian officials, military command centers, and key strategic facilities, with the declared aim of [[w:regime change|regime change]]. The attack included the [[w:Assassination of Ali Khamenei|assassination]] of Iran’s second [[w:Supreme Leader of Iran|Supreme Leader]], [[Ali Khamenei]]. The strikes began in the cities of [[Tehran]], [[w:Isfahan|Isfahan]], [[w:Qom|Qom]], [[w:Karaj|Karaj]], and [[w:Kermanshah|Kermanshah]]. Several Iranian government figures were killed, including [[w:Ali Shamkhani|Ali Shamkhani]], the secretary of the [[w:Supreme National Security Council|Supreme National Security Council]]. Witnesses reported explosions across multiple regions. Israeli Defense Minister [[w:Israel Katz|Israel Katz]] confirmed that the [[w:Israel Defense Forces|Israel Defense Forces]] had conducted the strikes. [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]], in a video posted on [[w:Truth Social|Truth Social]], announced that the United States had joined Israel in launching attacks against Iran. In retaliation, Iranian forces launched dozens of [[w:Unmanned aerial vehicles in the Iranian military|drones]] and [[w:ballistic missiles|ballistic missiles]] across the [[w:Persian Gulf|Persian Gulf]], targeting Israel as well as U.S. military installations in [[Jordan]], [[Kuwait]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Qatar]], [[Iraq]], [[Saudi Arabia]], and the [[United Arab Emirates]]. [[File:Khamenei last end year 5458884.jpg|thumb|The newly supreme appointed leader should deliver message of the peace to world and declare new era in Iran , a historic neccessity to free political prisoners and declare public general amnesty for those that haven't collaborated in killing Iranians and/or 2026 Iran massacres [https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198657-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D9%87%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%BA%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%81%D9%88-%D8%B9%D9%85%D9%88%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%84%D9%88%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A2%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%86%DB%8C-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B6%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ]]][[File:Mojtaba Khamenei 2019.jpg|thumb|Well, they [CIA] did say [He's gay], but I don’t know if it was only them. I think a lot of people are saying that. Which puts him off to a bad start in that particular country[https://www.firstpost.com/world/a-bad-start-in-iran-trump-says-cia-told-him-mojtaba-khamenei-is-gay-13993618.html Trump]]][[File:Flag of the Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf.svg|thumb|Trump is hysterical and struggling with last final breaths. Americans are at the end of their rope. Enemy is caught in desperate swamp...Netanyahu pumped up US to attack, we will exact vengeance...Trump you are a retarded person, ...we are funneling through pass of war,... Iranians have civilization, countries of region are acting like cuckold pimps... Trump says some people within of our military have defected give us 2 of these people names to us[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421052/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%82%D8%A8-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF ~Larijani][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421726/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B3-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AE%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%88 ][https://farsnews.ir/mohammadreza_dehghan/1772912586911483130/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ]]][[File:State_flag_of_Iran_(1964%E2%80%931980).svg|thumb|Seventeen 17 cities of Caucasian Iran was separated from Iran by Tsar Russia. We are reborn from ashes of Mongol invasion and Timurid.[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77413081/%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9 ]]] == Quotes == <small>Please add quotes in chronological order</small> ===Feb 2026=== * Will someone please tell [[Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo]] that Iran has killed at least 42,000 innocent, completely unarmed, protesters in the last two months? **[https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/iran-us-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-updates/card/trump-criticizing-pope-says-iran-killed-at-least-42-000-protesters-gtRzVnxAMEMeQ8b5ygR2 Trump] *I guess the worst case would be five years we do this and somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/03/us/politics/trump-iran-leaders.html Trump] *We have lost our great leader, and we deeply mourn him. We'll severely punish the perpetrators. , with an exceptionally severe, decisive, and painful punishment. We'll resolutely confront domestic and foreign conspiracies and punish the aggressors. **[https://baike.baidu.com/en/item/Grand%20Ayatollah%20Seyyed%20Ali%20Khamenei/1512308#4-5:~:text=On-,February%2028%2C%202026,-%2C%20local%20time%2C%20Iranian IRGC]15:27, 28 Febr 2026 (UTC)~ *Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand… Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere . when we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for **Trump [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack PRESIDENT TRUMP's message to the great people of Iran ..] *firm of heart against the disbelievers, compassionate among themselves. **Khamenei quoted Quran[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77473280/%D8%A3%D8%B4%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D9%81%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87%D9%85 ] *There's a special place in hell reserved for pro-Trump Iranians. **IRGC Mashre Dimitri Lascaris [https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177328434067132 ] *400,000 armed people are ready to go to revolt against the United States government system **Gen Araste[https://www.ettelaat.com/news/140255/%DB%B4%DB%B0%DB%B0-%D9%87%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF#ref=shahrekhabar ] *Russia and China will win the war not just Iran **IRGC Gen RahimSafavi[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177326496039426 ] *We have arm around Americans neck we will be slapping it when it moves **IRGC Gen Mohsen rezai[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77471755/%D9%85%D8%AD%D8%B3%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%BE%D8%B4%D8%AA-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AA%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%DB%8C%DA%A9 ] *If anyone comes to street they are seen as enemies and not as protestors.All our kids are putting their finger on triggers all alleys , streets , city squares belong to Police, special units and The IRGC Basij. **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Ahmed Radan[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462710/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D9%88-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%B6 ] * I can see that the peace deal is within our reach... if we... allow [[diplomacy]] the space it needs to get there... I don't think any alternative to diplomacy is going to solve this problem. ...The [[heart]] of this deal is very important and ...we have captured that heart. ...[I]f the ultimate objective is to ensure forever, that Iran cannot have a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear bomb]] ...we have cracked that problem ...[W]e are talking about zero stockpiling ...[I]f you cannot stockpile material that is enriched ...there is no way you can ...create a bomb ...and ...equally important ...full and comprehensive verification by the [[w:International Atomic Energy Agency|IAEA]] ...The current stockpiles ...will be down-blended to the lowest level possible ...and converted into fuel that ...will be irreversible. ...I am ...confident ...that even the United States inspectors will have access at some point ...if we have a deal that is respected, and fair, and ...durable ...We have agreed, in general, to discuss economic and security cooperation between Iran and its neighbors, and set up a process of dialogue that will ...start the elements of building confidence, ...a rapport, a process that can ...lead ...to an understanding on all these ...areas of concern ...on the Iranian side, and ...on the [[w:Gulf Cooperation Council|GCC]] side. ...Broad terms, ...the politics, the ...main issues ...can be agreed [upon] tomorrow. The technicalities will take some time to work... out with... the IAEA. ...[T]hat can also be done ...relatively quickly, because a lot of this ...groundwork was done years ago, and it's ...in place. ...The substantial progress... is... far more than any time before. We just need that bit of extra time to close the deal. ** {{w|Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi}}, "Oman's foreign minister says U.S.-Iran nuclear 'deal is within our reach'" (Feb 27, 2026) ''{{w|Face the Nation}}'' statements prior to the US-Israeli attacks. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5sXQDR8NY&t=38s A Youtube video source.] *Mahdi is with us and in charge of Umma, he has through Assembly of Experts introduced Ayatallah Mojtaba Khamenei **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328896/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B9%D8%AC-%D9%88%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%86%DA%A9%D8%AA%D9%87 Hossein Shariatmadare] *The revolution will not sit down until flag of Mahdi is raised on all corners of earth **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328901/%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87%E2%80%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA Hossein Shariatmadare] *To save his soldiers Trump has gone to Volodymir Zelensky president-clown of Ukraine for aid **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328922/%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%AF%D9%84%D9%82%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF Hossein Shariatmadare] *War's balance changed and Islamic Republic of Iran has the upper hand, there won't be a negotiatons any country who helps America will be targeted as enemy **[https://tasnimnews.ir/fa/news/1404/12/19/3537514/%D9%85%D9%88%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%AA-90-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%B5%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D9%87%D9%BE%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B9-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ICA] *A vessel has passed through Hormuz strait , an United States (US) military navy escorted her. In Playstation **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461463/%D9%88%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%B9%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%BA%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87 ] *We have only just begun our missiles have left utter ruin and destruction ,Netanyahu won't let you see **Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462291/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B9-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Our enemy is the stupidest idiot. Our defense system is an ideology not just a defense system, while when we hit Haifa their people were begging for car gas **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Achmed Radan [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77460868/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%82-%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF ] *Your children shall read Quran while sitting by the missile launchers tonight. **Gen Mousavi [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461610/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A8-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86%DA%86%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF ] [[File:HIMARS Support Operation Epic Fury (9564974).jpg|thumb|Operation Epic Fury]] ===Mar 2026=== *I can't tell I may have a plan or I may not, Marco would put me on a helicopter. **Trump [https://news.meaww.com/video/marco-would-put-me-on-a-helicopter-trump-jokes-on-kharg-island-question-says-i-cant-tell ] *All vessels shall not pass Hormuz Strait **IRGCN Gen Ali Tangsiri[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6771339/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D9%87%DB%8C%DA%86-%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AA%D8%A8%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%AA%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2 ] *How much of a cuckold is American president, Australian police has taken our girls out of the hotel and forced and made them to apply for asylum **Mehdi Taj Chairman National Football Federation[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77458637/%D9%85%D9%87%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%85%D9%87%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%86%D9%87-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AC ] *We are prepared to wage war against America for next at least another 10 year **IRGC Gen Jabari[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449662/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%DA%A9%D9%84-%D8%B3%D9%BE%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D9%85%D8%B7%D9%84%D8%B9-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%D9%88%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D9%87 ] *Iran is the conscious of the humanity, its real dignity and glory. It is chosen people fighting for the Victory of the Light. It it Ormuzd, Ishraq. Mahdi people. **Dugin Alexander[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77392273/%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D9%88%DA%AF%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86 ] *The recent war is between good and evil **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77432191/%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D9%88-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B7%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ] *Like thunder we will strike Haifa **IRGC Gen Seid mousavi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449498/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D9%84%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AD%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87 ] * Iran’s leaders before the attack had been clear that they were willing to negotiate on the nuclear question. Talks were ongoing... There had appeared to be a good basis for agreement, given... an Iranian government that... was not in a position to enrich uranium... for the foreseeable future. ...Americans ...were deeply unhappy with the results of America’s last big wars of {{w|regime change}} ...[[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|in Afghanistan]] [[Iraq War|and Iraq]]. At the beginning of this joint [[w:2026 Iran war|US–Israel campaign against Iran]], only about a third of Americans supported the adventure... ** Dana Allin, "US politics and the war against Iran" (Mar 2, 2026) [https://www.iiss.org/online-analysis/online-analysis/2026/02/the-us-israel-campaign-in-iran/ "The US-Israel campaign in Iran"] @[[w:International Institute for Strategic Studies|IISS]].org *This is a war that should end it once and for all. ::[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6764020/%D9%86%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AF ICA] (Mar 2 2026) *Our Brave and Powerful Armed Forces will avenge each and every Iranian mother, , father, and child who has been targeted by hostile forces. **foreign minister Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77405403/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA ] *There is no shelter you can be safe **[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177298212045678 IRGC text] *We will fill Americans' coffins there is no end to war unless they fully surrender. **IRGC operations mission statement[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77389339 ] *Trump is more than 500 Americans killed dead America first or israel first. Inshallah Khamenei killing has heavy price **Larijani[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77384703/%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%AD%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8-%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%87%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DB%8C%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] * Irregardless of cost. Not unlike United States of America. Same as Iran has not in past 300 years started wars, Iran is ready for long war. ** [[w:Ali Larijani|Ali Larijani]], Secretary of the Supreme National Security Council of Iran. [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77359057 Source (in Persian)] *Now that we have baited America do not make ceasefire and/or peace we must destroy them ::Ayatallah Panahian[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388174/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%BE%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%86%D9%BE%D8%B0%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AF ] *From us Iranian people only President son Aga Yusuf Pezeshkian and his buddies have internet connection. ::[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388864/%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%81%D9%82%D8%B7-%D8%A2%D9%82%D8%A7-%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B4-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Payamemam] * These attacks from Israel and the United States... were unprovoked. There was no immanent threat. Many would interpret this war to be an illegal war. ** Evaleila Pesaran, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJnVYpbKuM&t=600s "The war with Iran: An expert analysis"] (Mar 2, 2026) Youtube video from [[University of Cambridge|Cambridge University]] channel. * I see no indication that ...those institutions are weak or fraying or that you can destroy ...[them] from the air. ...[T]his administration is trying to justify the war the same way [[Jackson Pollock]] used to paint. You just throw a bucket of reasons up against the canvas and hope the result looks good. ...Iranian missiles ... [as] a threat to the United States... falls short of the truth by about 4,000 miles ...[I]f we're doing preventative wars now to prevent countries that might one day be a threat, is [[North Korea]]... [[China]]... [[Russia]] in line? I don't think so. ...I can't make head or tails out of the reason this administration has put forward for this war. ** [[w:Alan Eyre (diplomat)|Alan Eyre]], "Expert panel breaks down U.S. objectives in Iran war" (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|PBS News Hour}}''. * Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) * If the [[Precedents|precedent]] that is being set is, "Any country with super * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' *The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, a few weeks ago, you {{w|2026 Minab school attack|bomb the schools}}, you bomb the hospitals. That’s American policy in foreign countries. It’s most visible in the case of Israeli policy, in Gaza, and now the West Bank as well. And it is the same policy that the United States has followed in Iran. ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/ "The war on Iran is transforming the global economy: Economist Michael Hudson explains how"] (Mar 29, 2026) @Geopolitical Economy Report * Whenever a state chooses to go to [[war]]... you have to ask—where is the [[w:Intelligence assessment|intelligence]] on the threat? ...[T]he Trump administration ...in hurry mode ...chose to set [[diplomacy]] aside, despite the fact that the [mediating] [[w:Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi#Diplomatic career|Omani foreign minister]] ...was convinced that remarkable progress had been made on the issue of [[Nuclear program of Iran|Iranian nuclear weapons]] ...[T]wo other arguments for the war: that the US faced an imminent threat from [[Iran]], and that Iran’s {{w|ballistic missile}} capability threatened the United States. Scratch this last claim—it’s simply not [[Truth|true]] ...Why would a much-weakened [[Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Republic]] pose an "imminent threat" ..? [[Marco Rubio]] has come forward with an absurd argument ...Does anyone truly believe that Israel would go it alone ...without US backing, that the operation was not jointly planned? ...This is all desperate [[storytelling]], not intelligence. ** {{w|Wesley Wark}}, "[https://thewalrus.ca/iran-foreign-policy-experts/ Eight Experts on What You’re Not Being Told about the War in Iran:] The questions that aren’t making it into the battlefield dispatches" (Mar 3, 2026) @''{{w|The Walrus}}'' * Ironically, the greatest beneficiaries of the United States’ grave [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]]s of [[international law]] are the very actors whom, under normal circumstances, Washington would be seeking to restrain: [[Moscow]] will be emboldened to continue its barbaric [[w:Russo-Ukrainian war|assault on Ukraine]], while [[China]] will feel empowered to move on [[Taiwan]]. ** [[w:Stephanie Turco Williams|Stephanie T. Williams]], "Flying blind" (March 2, 2026) [https://www.brookings.edu/articles/after-the-strike-the-danger-of-war-in-iran/ "After the strike: The danger of war in Iran"] [[w:Brookings Institution|Brookings]]. * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} *It's going to be... tempting for countries to think that in a world where there are no rules.., no [[w:Law of war|rules of war]], where that [[w:Liberal international order|post-war liberal order]], imperfect as it was, is now completely being disregarded.., that makes the world more dangerous for all of us. ...[T]here was an [[order]] of some kind ...a view that a degree of [[w:Consensus decision-making|international consensus]] was necessary ...before ...[[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervening in foreign countries]]. There were rules of war... [A]ll of us need to be... very thoughtful about supporting the creation of a world where anything goes, and [[might makes right]]. ...[[United States|America]] is still the preeminent [[power]], the {{w|superpower}}, the global [[Hegemony|hegemon]]. ...I hope this is a moment for Americans to reflect on the facts that the rules-based international order, which did act as a constraint on American power, also provided America with some meaningful [[protection]]. ** [[Chrystia Freeland]], Chrystia Freeland on Iran, Ukraine, and Global Power Shifts | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}'' (Mar 3, 2026) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlj_beVDuxg&t=196s 3:16.] * [I]f it's... possible that there are about to be acts of [[terrorism]] by [[Iran]] inside the United States, how can [[United States Congress|Congress]] continue to blockade funds for the [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Department of Homeland Security]] until it gets [[reform]]s... including an end to the [[lying]]..? You're going to see a real press by the [[Second presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] to say, "Release the funds and let the Department... resume... operations.., including falsely calling people terrorists if they operate a camera near an immigration agent." You're going to see attacks on the [[freedom of the press]]. This administration... regards it as illegal, criminal, for reporters simply to ask questions of [[The Pentagon|Pentagon employees]]... Only the designated leaders... get to speak... and if they're... saying things that look like they might not be [[Truth|true]], you can't second guess or question them. We have had many instances... of false indications of [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|emergency powers]]. The whole [[w:Tariffs in the second Trump administration|tariff nonsense]]... rested on [[Falsehood|false claims]] of the president... about economic emergency. ...[N]ow there's a real [[war]].., a real risk of terrorist activity... That's a much more plausible emergency.., and... what [[Courts|court]] will say, "We don't think you're telling the truth about this either"? ...So there will be new assertions of emergency power... [P]eople who have the president's ear have been urging him to use emergency powers against the [[w:2026 United States elections|elections of 2026]]. The possibility of that... are much higher today... than... a week ago. ...We're moving into extraordinary danger to democratic institutions. The [[w:2026 Iran war|war in Iran]]... is an urgent [[w:Domestic policy of the second Trump administration|domestic policy]] question... a massive grant of power to a president and administration that have proven... that they will [[Abuse of power|abuse any powers]] that they are en[[trust]]ed with. ** [[David Frum]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=190s No Exit from Trump's War:] with Tom Nichols" The David Frum Show. A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. (Mar 4 2026) *"Senate votes down resolution to stop Trump from continuing war with Iran" (Mar 4, 2026) **<small>''{{w|The Independent}}''. [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/senate-iran-war-vote-trump-powers-resolution-b2932221.html Source.]</small> *Nobody gets to hide and give the president an easy pass or an end-run around the Constitution. Everybody's got to declare whether they're for this war or against it. ** Sen. [[Tim Kaine]] *War is ugly, it always has been ugly, but we're taking out a regime that has been trying to attack us for quite some time. ** Sen. [[Markwayne Mullin]] *I learned when I was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, that when elites in Washington bang the war drums, pound their chest, talk about the costs of war and act tough, they're not talking about them doing it, they're not talking about their kids. They're talking about working class kids like us. ** Rep. [[Jason Crow]] * Why are we going into Iran? ...[I]t is the president's [[wikt:vainglory#Noun|vainglory]]. He thinks he's on a roll, that... this is easy to do; that you can [[w:2026 United States intervention in Venezuela|knock off dictatorships like Venezuela]], and then have a parade; that this solves a lot of his problems. It gets people not talking about the [[Epstein files]]. ...[A] huge chunk of [[Donald Trump]]'s [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] is rooted in trying to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files. ...[H]e is that [[wikt:narrow-minded#Adjective|narrow]] and [[wikt:crass#Adjective|crass]]. ...Now he's going to say he's a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|war president]]. That means you can't criticize me... I can stomp on the press... I can declare a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|national emergency]]. ...As the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|British Parliament]] said... in [~]1944... "This is not a propitious time for an [[Elections|election]]." ...[[wikt:mischief#Noun|[M]ischief]] comes with a war because... presidential war powers... become almost unchallengeable. ** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=797s Trump’s War With Iran and a New Danger at Home] | The [[David Frum]] Show (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. *[[Donald Trump|The president]] was not going to be just another president on a very long list who sat back and stood by and passed the buck of this direct threat to the next administration. The president had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States, was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. **[[Karoline Leavitt]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html "Karoline Leavitt insists Trump had a ‘feeling based on fact’ before Iran strikes but still won’t detail imminent threat to US"]], ''The Independent'' (05 March 2026) *[T]o take on the extraordinary risks... without having made the case with the American people.., citing immanent threats that aparently don't exist... that's problematic, and the chances of unintended consequences... are... very serious... [W]e're... using.., in many cases very expensive weapons to take down $20,000 drones. That's not a good equation... over time. ...I'm worried about ...second and third order consequences ...we so deplete our arsenal, and it takes a long time to rebuild ...puts us in a disadvantageous position when it comes to ...a [[China]] or ...[[Russia]]. ...[M]uch as ...everyone should want to see a change... it may simply ...reinforce the [[Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps|IRGC]] ...[I]t's very hard to produce regime change from outside. You can't bomb your way to it. ...The [[wikt:red flag#Noun|red flag]] ...is that this could be [[Syrian civil war|Syria]] [[wikt:redux#Noun|redux]] or ...[[Libyan Crisis (2011–present)|Libya]] redux ...the country fracturing, imploding or even exploding with [[refugee]]s and [[w:International migration|migration]].., [[Extremism|extremist]] groups taking hold... It's incredibly ...[[dangerous]]. ...[I]t's never too late for [[diplomacy]]. ...<br />[W]hen [[Russia]] is ...reaching a weak point because of its dependence on oil to fuel its war economy ...they get a lifeline, ...the price of oil is going up. The [[Europe|Europeans]], in having moved away from Russian gas, are now more dependent on the [[Middle East]]. ...If the {{w|Strait of Hormuz}} gets tied up ...that's ...a lot of pressure ...So mapping out, gaming out, planning out and ...making sure you have something in place to deal with ...second and third order effects is ...important, and it's not ...clear ...that was done ...There's been a shifting rationale ...[or] explanation for why this, why now? ...That's why it's so important to have ...laid this out before the American people, and our partners and allies. We might have had less friction with them if there was a compelling case ...and had them on the take-off, not mid-flight or on the landing. ** [[Antony Blinken]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHgG-lkOi6w&t=74s "Former Secretary of State on the Two Keys to Ending Iran War"] (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from the [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]] Podcasts channel. *Majority of Experts Assembly has come to pick next leader who is Seid. **Dirbaz[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764537-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C ] (Mar 8 2026) * Unprovoked attacks by the [[United States|US]] and [[Israel]]... violate the fundamental prohibition on the use of [[force]], [[Sovereignty|sovereign]] [[equality]], {{w|territorial integrity}}, and the [[duty]] to [[Peace|peacefully]] settle disputes... They also violate the {{w|right to life}}... We cannot pick and choose when [[international law]] applies. Unlawful [[military]] [[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervention]] is not a solution... These attacks do not strike military abstractions – they strike people... {{w|Civilian}}s are bearing the brunt of this war... In a country that has already lost thousands to [[Violence|violent]] [[Political repression|repression]]... these attacks deepen... profound human [[tragedy]]... The targeting of civilians, educational facilities, and medical institutions constitutes a grave violation of [[international humanitarian law]] and [[w:International human rights law|human rights law]]... Any path forward must be grounded in the [[rule of law]], the will of the [[Iranians|Iranian people]], and full accountability for the [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]] of international law, by all parties... ** {{w|Mai Sato}}, [[w:Cecilia Bailliet|Cecilia M. Bailliet]], {{w|Astrid Puentes Riaño}}, {{w|Alexandra Xanthaki}}, {{w|Farida Shaheed}}, Surya Deva, {{w|Margaret Satterthwaite}}, {{w|Gina Romero}}, Nicolas Levrat, [[w:Richard Bennett (UN)|Richard Bennett]], Tomoya Obokata, [[w:Mary Lawlor (human rights advocate)|Mary Lawlor]], {{w|Ben Saul}}, {{w|Alice Jill Edwards}}, [[Francesca Albanese]], Morris Tidball-Binz, {{w|Siobhán Mullally}}, Gabriella Citroni, Grażyna Baranowska, Aua Baldé, Ana Lorena Delgadillo Pérez, {{w|Bina D'Costa}}, {{w|Claudia Flores}}, Ivana Krstić, {{w|Dorothy Estrada-Tanck}}, Haina Lu, [[Reem Alsalem]], {{w|Paula Gaviria Betancur}}, Elizabeth Salmón, Mariana Katzarova (Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, volunteer Special Rapporteurs/Independent Experts/Working Groups) [https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2026/03/iran-un-experts-call-de-escalation-and-accountability "Iran: UN experts call for de-escalation and accountability"] (Mar 4, 2026) [[w:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|OHCHR]]. * [[Mohammed bin Salman|The Crown Prince]] and other [[w:Arab states of the Persian Gulf|Gulf]] leaders have been urging America not to undertake military action against Iran, because all of us believe... action will not remain confined to Iran; that Iran will retaliate against American in the area, which is present in all of the Gulf states, and as far away as [[Turkey]]... They've been warning the Americans not to undertake military action and suffer the consequences. ...I don't think the system in Iran will collapse any time soon. ...Iranian leadership has been preparing for an eventuality like this, because of what they have continued to hear from [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Mr. Netanyahu]] in the past 40 years. He has been calling for the destruction of Iran, and so the Iranians... have been preparing themselves for such an eventuality. ...The only way the system will go... is through the Iranian people. ** {{w|Turki bin Faisal Al Saud}}, "Fmr. Saudi Intelligence Chief Discusses Gulf States' Reaction to Iran Attacks | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}''" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfGcX4XuZ5A&t=62s 1:02,] 5:08. * Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever been hit before.., THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! ** [[Donald J. Trump]], post on Truth Social, "Trump warns Iran of unprecedented force if it retaliates" (Feb 28, 2026) {{w|Reuters}}. *I think the war is very complete, pretty much. [Iran has] no navy, no communications, they've got no air force. Their missiles are down to a scatter. Their drones are being blown up all over the place, including their manufacturing of drones. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says 'the war is very complete,' and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"], ''CBS News'' (Mar 9 2026) *US officials are posting fake news to manipulate narkets. It won't protect them from inflationary tsunami they've imposed on Americans Markets are facing biggest shortfall in HISTORY bigger than Arab Oil Embargo, Kuwait **[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D9%84%D9%84-17/764878-%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AC%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 Mr Iraqchi] (Mar 10 2026) *If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again - Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them - But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2031167037620236703 Trump on TruthSocial] (10 March 2026) *Most definitely we are not seeking ceasefire we will break zionist life cycle of war-negotiations-ceasefire and then war again forever **Moahamedbagher Ghabilaf[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764797-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86- %D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] (Mar 10 2026) *Take Bahrain back! Annex it **MP Aytallah Resaei Hamid[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200147-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D9%86%D9%85%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%BE%D8%B3-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ], 12 March 2026 *I have seen his body after martyred, I heard he clenched his fist.You people have led the country. The will of the masses is to continue the effective and regrettable defense. Certainly, the leverage of blocking the Strait of Hormuz should still be used. Neighboring countries must make their position clear to the aggressors against our country... In any case, we will demand compensation from the enemy; if they refuse, we will seize as much of their property as we determine; if that is not possible, we will destroy as much of their property as we can. **Mojtaba Khamenei (12 March 2026)[https://www.irna.ir/news/86100475/%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B8%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%82%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%82%D8%B4-%D9%88-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D8%AD%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF ][https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200277-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%B5%D8%B1%D9%81-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Aggression against soil of Iranian islands will shatter all restraint. We will abandon all restraint and make the Persian Gulf run with the blood of invaders. **[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77477478/%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%81-%D9%87%D8%B1%DA%AF%D9%88%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9-%D8%AC%D8%B2%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%85%DB%8C], ''Qalibaf'' (12 March 2026) *The [[United States]] is the largest Oil Producer in the World, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. BUT, of far greater interest and importance to me, as President, is stoping an evil Empire, Iran, from having Nuclear Weapons, and destroying the [[Middle East]] and, indeed, the World. I won’t ever let that happen! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-updates-supreme-leader-trump-oil-b2937272.html "Iran-US war latest: Supreme leader statement threatens fresh attacks after UK base in Iraq hit by drone swarm"], ''The Independent'' (12 March 2026) *As long as America and Zionist exist humankind will not see quiet. To establish peace they must be destroyed **Aytallah Khatami Imam Tehran [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77485962/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%AA%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AF ][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77487036/%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B4%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF] (13 March 2026) *Just run! **IRGC hebrew text [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499999/%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%D8%A7-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If Americans do heliborne operation on taking over Khark Island we will attack their bases and take prisoners **FM Manouchehr Motaki Iran negotiators [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77500152/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AA%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AC%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%DA%A9-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84-%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If the [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] games are in [[Mexico]] maybe we will go **Minister of youth & sport [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499588/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4-%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B2%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7], (14 March 2026) *Countries in region are supposed to pay reparations for killing Khamenei. **VP Mohammed Mokhber [https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6774791/%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D9%85%DA%A9%D9%84%D9%81-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AE%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF] (14 March 2026) *When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones. **[[President Trump]] quoted when asked when the war will end: [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-says-iran-war-will-end-when-i-feel-it-in-my-bones_uk_69b57775e4b09d87d0277fa2 "Trump Says Iran War Will End 'When I Feel It In My Bones'"], ''Huffington Post'' (14 March 2026) *It's a little unfair. You win a war, but they have no right to be doing what they're doing. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c70k29914q4o "Surge in US petrol prices deepens political peril for Trump over Iran"], ''BBC News'' (17 March 2026) *Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116245182325726375 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (17 Mar 2026) *[[Israel]], out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East, has violently lashed out at a major facility known as South Pars Gas Field in Iran. A relatively small section of the whole has been hit. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack, and the country of [[Qatar]] was in no way, shape, or form, involved with it, nor did it have any idea that it was going to happen. Unfortunately, Iran did not know this, or any of the pertinent facts pertaining to the South Pars attack, and unjustifiably and unfairly attacked a portion of Qatar’s LNG Gas facility. NO MORE ATTACKS WILL BE MADE BY ISRAEL pertaining to this extremely important and valuable South Pars Field unless Iran unwisely decides to attack a very innocent, in this case, Qatar - In which instance the United States of America, with or without the help or consent of Israel, will massively blow up the entirety of the South Pars Gas Field at an amount of strength and power that Iran has never seen or witnessed before. I do not want to authorize this level of violence and destruction because of the long term implications that it will have on the future of Iran, but if Qatar’s LNG is again attacked, I will not hesitate to do so. **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116253388303392718 Truth Social] (Mar 19, 2026) * Iranian missiles do not differentiate between Muslim and Christian and Jew and whichever religion, they're out there to kill anybody because they feel everybody who doesn't accept their belief is an infidel. **Israeli President [[Isaac Herzog]] following the 2026 Beit Awwa salon strike in the West Bank. (Mar 19, 2026)[https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890479] *We are getting very close to meeting our objectives as we consider winding down our great Military efforts in the Middle East with respect to the Terrorist Regime of [[Iran]]: (1) Completely degrading Iranian Missile Capability, Launchers, and everything else pertaining to them. (2) Destroying Iran’s Defense Industrial Base. (3) Eliminating their Navy and Air Force, including Anti Aircraft Weaponry. (4) Never allowing Iran to get even close to Nuclear Capability, and always being in a position where the U.S.A. can quickly and powerfully react to such a situation, should it take place. (5) Protecting, at the highest level, our Middle Eastern Allies, including [[Israel]], [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Qatar]], the [[United Arab Emirates]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Kuwait]], and others. The [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] will have to be guarded and policed, as necessary, by other Nations who use it — The United States does not! **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116263563453969628 Truth Social] (Mar 20, 2026) [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Strait of Hormuz]] *If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]], within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyxv87zwwpo "Trump at a crossroads as US weighs tough options in Iran"], ''BBC News'' (21 March 2026) *In difficult times like these, when events seem both confused and confusing, [[Mark Twain]]’s “broken fragments of antique legends” can remind us of historical analogies like the collapse of the power and influence of [[Great Britain]] or of the [[Soviet Union]] that can help us understand how the past often whispers to the present — as it indeed seems to be doing these days in the [[Strait of Hormuz]]. ** [[Alfred W. McCoy]], [https://inkstickmedia.com/how-the-iran-war-gave-trump-his-very-own-suez-crisis/ "How the Iran War Gave Trump His Very Own Suez Crisis"] (21 March 2026) *No countries that are [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization|NATO]] allies that have been bullied by Trump are going to be willing… to go on this suicide mission for someone who is an asshole to them. **Adam Mockler from [[w:MeidasTouch|MeidasTouch]] quoted telling [[CNN]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/trump-iran-gamble-failed-americas-allies-pay-it-4309972 "Trump’s Iran gamble has failed – and America’s allies will pay for it"], ''iNews'' (March 22, 2026) *Maybe me. Me and the ayatollah, whoever the ayatollah is, whoever the next ayatollah is. There’s automatically a regime change, but we’re dealing with some people that I find to be very reasonable, very solid. The people within know who they are. They’re very respected, and maybe one of them will be exactly what we’re looking for. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on who would control the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped. **[[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *Because they’re going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present. And the present arrived today. And it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.… That meant one thing to me—we’re dealing with the right people. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on negotiations with [[Iran]] in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/4556482986909-trump-says-he-changed-his-mind-after-iran-gave-very-big-present "Trump Says He Changed His Mind After Iran Gave 'Very Big Present'"], ''Newsbreak'' (24 March 2026) *Has the level of your inner ⁠struggle reached the stage ⁠of you negotiating with yourself? **Iranian Ebrahim Zolfaqari's rhetorical question to Donald Trump quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/25/us-talking-to-itself-says-iran-as-trump-claims-wheels-of-diplomacy-turning "US talking to itself, says Iran as Trump claims wheels of diplomacy turning"], ''Al Jazeera'' (25 March 2026) * The enemy signals negotiation in public, while in secret it plots a ground attack. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place. Our determination and faith have increased. [Iranian forces] are waiting for the arrival of American troops on the ground to set them on fire and punish their regional partners for ever. ** Iranian parliament speaker, [[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]], quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/29/iran-accuses-us-plotting-ground-assault-publicly-seeking-talks "Iran accuses US of plotting ground assault while publicly seeking talks"], ''Guardian'' (29 March 2026) *This is our God: Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them. * ([[Isaiah]] 1:15) ‘Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.’ **[[Pope Leo XIV]] quoting ''Book of Isaiah'', reported in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cje4x38q8xqt?post=asset%3A58d1f907-b13b-443a-b413-d7741b63b566 "'Hands full of blood': Pope Leo seemingly criticises those involved in war"], ''BBC News'' (29 March 2026) ===Apr 2026=== [[File:Gas prices Sonoma, California April 7 2026.jpg|thumb|Trump: We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages.]] *We're finishing the job, and I think within maybe two weeks, maybe a couple of days longer, to do the job. But we want to knock out every single thing they have. Now, it's possible that we'll make a deal before that. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=ad13f6002bde4e30befd5495f58499d9 "Trump: US could leave Iran in 2 to 3 weeks, securing Strait of Hormuz is 'not for us'"], ''AP News'' (Apr 1, 2026) *We will consider [a ceasefire] when [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting [[Iran]] into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-speech-stone-age-b2950116.html "Trump threatens both Iran and NATO allies ahead of primetime address on war: ‘Back to the Stone Ages’"], ''Independent'' (Apr 1, 2026) *If hostility escalates, the entire region will turn into hell for you; the illusion of defeating the Islamic Republic of Iran will become a quagmire into which you will sink. **[[w:Ebrahim Zolfaghari|Ebrahim Zolfaghari]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y90jl8veyo US and "Iran trade threats to unleash 'hell' as search for missing US airman continues"], ''BBC News'' (4 April 2026) *In the attempt to try to prevent Iran from developing a weapon of mass destruction, the US handed Iran a weapon of mass disruption. **Ali Vaez, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/us-intelligence-warns-iran-unlikely-ease-hormuz-strait-chokehold-soon-sources-2026-04-03/ Reuters] *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg0q6wdzp1o Trump issues expletive-laden threat to Iran over Hormuz Strait blockage], ''BBC News'' (5 April 2026) * Subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz, I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * If attacks against Iran are halted, our Powerful Armed Forces will cease their defensive operations. For a period of two weeks, safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz will be possible via coordination with Iran's Armed Forces and with due consideration of technical limitations. ** Iran’s foreign minister, [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire "US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz"], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards, other than a short term extortion of the World by using International Waterways. The only reason they are alive today is to negotiate! ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/10/jd-vance-warns-iran-against-trying-to-play-the-us-in-peace-talks "JD Vance warns Iran against trying to ‘play’ the US in peace talks"], ''The Guardian'' (10 April 2026 ) *The simple question is, do we see a fundamental commitment of will for the Iranians not to develop a nuclear weapon, not just now, not just two years from now, but for the long term. We haven’t seen that yet. **[[JD Vance]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-peace-talks-vance-trump-b2956013.html "Why the US-Iran peace talks failed after just one day – and what happens next"], ''The Independent'' (12 April 2026) * We’re going to clean out the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) * We’re very disappointed with [[NATO]], we’re very, very disappointed that they didn’t come. Now, they want to come and they want to help with the strait. **Trump quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) [[File:Straße von Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Trump - Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again]] * In line with the ceasefire in Lebanon, the passage for all commercial vessels through [the] [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] is declared completely open for the remaining period of ceasefire, on the coordinated route as already announced by Ports and Maritime Organisation of the Islamic Rep. of Iran. ** Iran Foreign Minister [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cqxdg17yr2wt Iran says Strait of Hormuz is 'open' as Trump says US blockade will continue until deal reached], ''BBC News'' (Apr 17, 2026) * [[Iran]] has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116420562510387829 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (Apr 17, 2026) * Based on the fact that the Government of [[Iran]] is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister [[w:Shehbaz Sharif|Shehbaz Sharif]], of [[Pakistan]], we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx297218m9vt "Iran says reopening Strait of Hormuz 'impossible' if US blockade continues"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 22, 2026) * We are all 'Iranian' and 'revolutionary,' and with the iron unity of the nation and government, with complete obedience to the Supreme Leader. We will make the aggressor criminal regret his actions. ** Iran's President {{w|Masoud Pezeshkian}} quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c0mjev4kn9jt?page=2 "Trump says Israel-Lebanon ceasefire extended by three weeks, but he won't 'rush' Iran deal"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 24, 2026) ===May 2026=== *Iran has taken some shots at unrelated Nations with respect to the Ship Movement, PROJECT FREEDOM, including a South Korean Cargo Ship. Perhaps it’s time for South Korea to come and join the mission!{{Pbri}}We’ve shot down seven small Boats or, as they like to call them, “fast” Boats. It’s all they have left. Other than the South Korean Ship, there has been, at this moment, no damage going through the Strait. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Dan Caine, will have a News Conference tomorrow morning. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth], 4 May 2026 *Countries from all over the World. almost all of which are not involved in the Middle Eastern dispute going on so visibly, and violently, for all to see, have asked the United States if we could help free up their Ships. which are locked up in the Strait of Hormuz, on something which they have absolutely nothing to do with - They are merely neutral and innocent bystanders! For the good of Iran, the Middle East, and the United States, we have told these Countries that we will guide their Ships safely out of these restricted Waterways, so that they can freely and ably get on with their business. Again, these are Ships from areas of the World that are not in any way involved with that which is currently taking place in the Middle East. I have told my Representatives to inform them that we will use best efforts to get their Ships and Crews safely out of the Strait. In all cases, they said they will not be returning until the area becomes safe for navigation, and everything else. This process, '''Project Freedom''', will begin Monday morning, Middle East time. I am fully aware that my Representatives are having very positive discussions with the Country of Iran, and that these discussions could lead to something very positive for all. The Ship movement is merely meant to free up people, companies, and Countries that have done absolutely nothing wrong - They are victims of circumstance. This is a Humanitarian gesture on behalf of the United States, Middle Eastern Countries but, in particular, the Country of Iran. Many of these Ships are running low on food, and everything else necessary for large scale crews to stay on board in a healthy and sanitary manner. I think it would go a long way in showing Goodwill on behalf of all of those who have been fighting so strenuously over the last number of months. If, in any way, this Humanitarian process is interfered with, that interference will, unfortunately, have to be dealt with forcefully. Thank you for your attention to this matter! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth] *Quranic verdict of Zarif and Rouhani is execution definitely indeed **Qasemian[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213690/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%DA%A9%D9%85-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%B8%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%82%D8%B7%D8%B9%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85 ]19:05, (3 May 2026) * Do you take out your wife, sister and wife so that unmarried men can look? There is a law, the parliament has approved it. I advise these women who come out without hijab: gather yourself. If these people decide, they will destroy your life. Netanyahu kills people, you beat people's opinion. They come again and appear in the square and street. Will you bring your sister and this woman so that the eyes of non-mahram men will fall on her situation? **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213662/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AA%D8%B5%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D9%87%D8%A7 Imam Juma Rasht] (3 May 2026) * Operation Epic Fury is concluded. We achieved the objectives of that operation. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c1wz2ld4535t US "Secretary of State Marco Rubio says offensive stage of Iran war is 'over'"], ''BBC News'' (4 May 2026) * Based on the request of [[Pakistan]] and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c152zyj0599t "Trump says US will pause operation to guide ships through Strait of Hormuz"], ''BBC News'' (6 May 2026) * We have such a great military and great navy. And they were going straight through, and they said, “Turn your ship around!”. And there was no response. “Turn your ship around! Evacuate your engine room immediately!” And you see all these guys running out of there. Now, they’re five miles away — in one shot, into the engine room, blew up the engine room; the ship stopped, and they used tugboats. And then we landed on top of it — on top of everything else — we then land on top of it. And '''we took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business'''. Who would have thought we were doing that? '''We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates'''. But we’re not playing games. ** Trump quoted in [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/ Trump boasts ‘we’re like pirates’, seizing Iran’s ships, as China challenges US sanctions]. Geopolitical Economy Report. (9 May 2026) * We will never bow our heads before the enemy, and if talk of dialogue or negotiation arises, it does not mean surrender or retreat. ** Iranian President [[w:Masoud Pezeshkian|Masoud Pezeshkian]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clypgz9e5pmo "Trump calls Iran response to US proposal to end war 'totally unacceptable"], ''BBC News'' (10 May 2026) * 1. They martyred the great and devoted leader of the Islamic Revolution; 2. No Muslim country came to Iran aid. What sort of Islam is this .. what kind of Muslimhoodness is this; 3.Iran continues to resist the big and small Satan (America and Israel); 4. On one side of today's battle are America and Israel, and on the other side are Muslim Iran and the resistance forces. Which side are you; 5. Think about the future of the Islamic world. You know that America is not loyal to you and Israel is your enemy. Think for a minute about yourself and the future of the region; 6. Unity of the Islamic Ummah with all its power can provide and guarantee the security, excellence and independence of countries for everyone **letter to 6 countries Larijani[https://fa.alalam.ir/news/7428293/%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%DB%B6-%D8%A8%D9%86%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%84%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C ] *If you want Internet, pack and get up, leave your things, go to Afghanistan, live where there is Internet. **IRIB anchor man [https://fararu.com/fa/news/970808/%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-5g-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D8%A7-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ]p *Like a rogue gang, the Iranian regime is pillaging resources that rightfully belong to the Iraqi people. Treasury will not stand idly by as Iran's military exploits Iraqi oil to fund terrorism against the United States and our partners. **[https://twitter.com/SecScottBessent/status/2052447601304178863?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Bessent] *God's order to fight Fitne. Israel is to be wiped out. Division causes failure against enemies **Imam Karaj[https://www.imna.ir/news/971477/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%AA%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%81-%D8%A7%D9%81%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ][https://www.didbaniran.ir/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-3/284228-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AE%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%AF%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Report of high Damage of internet blackout from government is greatly exaggerated. **[https://www.zoomit.ir/iran-news/459800-denies-exaggerated-internet-outage-claims/] MP of Tehran 18:28, 15 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Trump is hopeless and desperate he went to begging China for no result. He will not be satisfied until Iran is destroyed. **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2219513/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%84-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%DA%86%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%86%D8%AA%DB%8C%D8%AC%D9%87-%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA Ayatollah Imam Ardebil] (15 May 2026) *China encourages the US and Iran to continue resolving their differences and disputes, including the nuclear issue, through negotiations, and advocates the swift reopening of the Strait of Hormuz on the basis of maintaining a ceasefire **Chinese FM Wang in [https://aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/chinese-top-diplomat-urges-diplomacy-on-iran-after-trump-xi-summit/3938851] (15 May 2026) *The most important issue today is trust. We cannot trust the Americans in any way **[https://en.mehrnews.com/news/244536/Araghchi-holds-presser-in-New-Delhi], Iraqchi (15 May 2026) *We’ve taken out much of what we’d have to do, probably another two weeks, two weeks, maybe three weeks I’m very torn on it, because they lost 42,000 people in the first two weeks. I don’t really want to see that You can’t have an unarmed population against people with AK-47s The Iranian people have to have guns and I think they’re getting some guns. * As soon as they have guns, they’ll fight like as good as anybody there is. **President Trump 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~~[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605057012 ] *They can either agree to a piece of paper that is satisfactory to the United States, or they can face a punishment from our military, the likes of which has not been seen in modern history. That’s the choice that they face **Miller [https://unb.com.bd/category/World/trump-official-warns-iran-of-unprecedented-military-action-over-deal-holdout/186431 ] 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Our American issue solves when they surely get the powerfulness we have , and they can't do anything against us **Mohamed Mkokhber[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222394/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%84-%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%84-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%84-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 ] (22 May 2026) * Matchmaking booths had been set up at rallies in Tehran, allowing young men and women to register for introductions under what organizers call “easy marriage. **Fars[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605215847 ] *It's a possibility Iran we can go around ceasefire **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222363/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%DA%A9%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B3%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%B2 ] National security Islamic Cunsultative Assembly MP (22 May 2026) *Trying to prohibit Iranians in LA from bringing the Lion and Sun flag into the stadium is like trying to prevent Americans from bringing the U.S. flag into an American stadium. It would cause mass unrest. * [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] matches best illustrate the passion Iranian-Americans feel for their homeland and the contempt they feel toward the Iranian government. Waving the Lion and Sun flag is simultaneously a show of support for the national team and a protest against the regime. **[https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/7288376/2026/05/19/world-cup-fifa-iran-flag/] ''NYTimes'' (22 May 2026) * This is not good timing for me, I have a thing called Iran and other things ** Trump quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605214172#:~:text=US%20President%20Donald%20Trump%20said,called%20Iran%20and%20other%20things.%E2%80%9D ] (22 May 2026) * I laugh at all of the Dumocrats, RINOS, and Fools who know nothing about the potential deal I am making with Iran, things that haven’t even been negotiated yet. ** Trump quoted in [https://nypost.com/2026/05/25/us-news/president-trump-heralds-memorial-day-by-trashing-dumocrats-rinos-and-fools/ "Trump trashes ‘Dumocrats, RINOS and Fools’ who question his Iran plans in Memorial Day message"] ''NYPost'' (22 May 2026) *The ayatollah has been replaced by a ‘thugocracy’. **Kirk Lippold [https://www.japantimes.co.jp/commentary/2026/06/03/world/instability-powerful-political-instrument/ ][https://www.taipeitimes.com/News/editorials/archives/2026/05/21/2003857691 ][https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394301883112 ] *You lost hundreds of thousands of soldiers in these various wars. In two wars; Venezuela—where we lost nobody—and here We took over Venezuela. We essentially took over Iran. We have lost so far 13 people. Somebody else would have lost 100,000 people **[https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-iran-war-soldiers-killed Trump] * The humiliating defeat of Israel and the United States in their war on Iran, along with the savagery of the ongoing {{w|Gaza genocide|genocide in Gaza}}, are ushering in a new world order. This order is one where voices of reason and stability emanate not from the West — which spent tens of billions of dollars sustaining Israel’s genocide — but from the Global South, including China. It is an order where alliances are being rapidly reconfigured to protect countries from a rogue American state that lashes out like a wounded beast, as it spirals toward terminal decline. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://scheerpost.com/2026/05/29/the-rise-of-the-global-south/ The Rise of the Global South]." Scheerpost (29 May 2026) ===June 2026=== * What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking crazy. You'd be in prison if it weren't for me. I'm saving your ass. Everybody hates you now. Everybody hates Israel because of this. * I had a very productive call with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu of Israel, and there will be no Troops going to Beirut, and any Troops that are on their way have already been turned back. ** [https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-israel-lebanon-call Trump to Bibi Netanyahu][https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-lebanon-israel-bomb-beirut "'You're fucking crazy': Trump fumes at Netanyahu in call on Lebanon"] ''Axios'' (June 1, 2026) * I don’t care if they’re over, honestly. I really don’t care. I couldn’t care less. If they’re over, they’re over. If they’re not, you know, I think they took too much time. Frankly, I think they started to get a little boring. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted on peace talks in [https://www.jezebel.com/iran-war-donald-trump-boring-bored-quote-ceasefire-negotiations-suspended-israel-lebanon "Uh Oh, Trump Is Bored with Iran Peace Talks. You Know What That Means."], ''Jezebel'' (June 2, 2026) *Well, they’ve been largely decapitated. And I call it a military exercise because people would rather have it called that. They put up a blockade and so we blockaded them *[https://fortune.com/2026/06/07/trump-iran-war-military-exercise-fighting-strait-of-hormuz-no-new-wars-promise/ Trump] *I said, ‘Bibi, you better be careful, or you will be on your own very soon, **[https://english.elpais.com/international/2026-06-09/iran-war-drives-a-wedge-between-trump-and-netanyahu.html Trump] (9 June 2026) *Iran thing it's not a big thing for us **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html?eafs_enabled=false Trump] (3 June 2026) *We have the highest stock market in history with a military conflict going on, or a war — some people call it war, some people call it a military — it’s not a big thing for us. **Trump [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html] ''New York Times'' (3 June 2026) *Communists always do well with the Voters or, as they would say, THE PEOPLE, in the Early Years! But, in the end, the Country, State, or City, GOES TO HELL! Great Violence proceeds at levels never seen before, and the entity dissolves into Poverty, Squalor, and Crime. Remember, breathtaking “Popularity” first, and then, guaranteed DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.ntd.com/trump-decries-communism-says-its-breathtaking-popularity-turns-to-death-destruction-squalor_1150163.html] ''NTD'' (4 June 2026) * It’s a different part of the world. You know, I’d say in that part of the world, a ceasefire is when you’re shooting in a more moderate manner. ** Trump quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-iran-war-nuclear-deal-f6c5007b28e596e562c88b93ee785d91 "With Trump in a holding pattern on Iran war, allies and critics worry he risks getting boxed in"], ''AP News'' (4 June 2026) *There is a reason for everything. We hit them pretty hard the night before and actually last night. And when it was explained to me, I said, ‘all right, so we'll do that.’ But we've been hitting them pretty hard. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/live-updates/trump-iran-war-attacks-kuwait-airport-israel-hezbollah-ceasefire/ Trump] (4 June 2026) *Yesterday, in a meaningless vote, the House voted, 4 bad Republicans and all of the Dumocrats, to limit my War Powers, right in the middle of my final negotiations to end the War with the Islamic Republic of Iran. Who would do such an unpatriotic thing. They know where the negotiations stand. The Democrats are fueled by Trump Derangement Syndrome. They would rather have our Country fail than give me another, of many, victories. The four Republicans, that’s a whole other story - They’re GRANDSTANDERS! They should be ashamed of themselves. MAGA!!! President DJT **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-trump-ceasefire-kuwait-israel-lebanon-b2989234.html], ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *If people are stupid, we’ll end up in something where we have to wipe out an entire infrastructure of a nation **[https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-dealmaker-chief-reputation-comes-100000144.html Trump] (10 June 2026) *The Fake News Media refuses to report how EFFECTIVE the U.S. Naval BLOCKADE is, the most successful Blockade in the history of Naval Warfare. NOTHING GETS THROUGH unless we want it to. IT IS A STEEL WALL! Iran is doing ZERO business, not paying their military, or any of their bills, and quickly becoming a FAILED NATION! Lots of oil is getting out. Praise be to Allah! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725591109474316] (10 June 2026) *Iran’s Military is a complete and total mess. Much of it, like their Navy and Air Force, doesn’t even exist anymore - They have been completely defeated. Iran is all talk and no action. The Bully of the Middle East is DEAD!!! They’ve taken too long to negotiate a deal that would have been great for them, now they will have to pay the price!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725476229257491] (10 June 2026) *Last month, I directed our Great U.S. Military to execute a secret mission to support Oil Tankers and other Commercial Ships through the Straight of Hormuz. Today, I am pleased to announce that this effort has resulted in more than 100 MILLION Barrels of Oil making its way through the Straight, and into the Open Market. More than 200 Commercial Ships have safely traveled through the Strait. This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran. Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP" ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-oil-war-b2993489.html Trump to Iran: I just took your oil] ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela, which is working out brilliantly for both Venezuela and the United States of America. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116731447139970106 *The Iranian regime will lose the zero-sum game it is playing. Any damage it inflicts on our allies in the Gulf will be paid for with funds extracted from Iranian Accounts. Any tolls paid to the Persian Gulf Strait Authority will be offset by funds extracted from their accounts. Every attack Iran launches will only deepen the economic and financial consequences it faces ** [[Scott Bessent]] in [https://nitter.poast.org/Osint613/status/2065076195729793113#m Tweet] (10 June 2026) * The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. {{br}} I hereby fully authorize the toll free opening of the Strait of Hormuz, and, simultaneously herewith, authorize the immediate removal of the United States Naval blockade.{{br}}'''Ships of the World, start your engines. Let the oil flow!''' ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cj0grpyg4v1t "Iran and US agree deal to end war as Trump says Strait of Hormuz will be reopened"], ''BBC News'' (15 June 2026) * The terms that Iran leaked out to the Fake News have NOTHING to do with the terms that were agreed to, in writing. What they said, including their weak and pathetic statement on having a deal, bears no relation to the truth. Very dishonorable people to deal with. With them, there is no such thing as dealing in good faith. AMAZING! Also, their totally rebuffed Drone attack last night against Indian Ships leaving the Hormuz Strait is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. They better get their act together, and FAST! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116737418354503074 Trump post] (Jun 12, 2026) * As you have been informed, a memorandum of understanding was signed between the presidents of Iran and the United States of America.{{br}}In the course of reaching this stage, the officials in charge, out of sincere concern and goodwill, made extensive efforts—and of course, it was the American president who, out of desperation, used all kinds of leverage to bring this about. ** [[Mojtaba Khamenei]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * We expect a complete ceasefire on all fronts, including [[Lebanon]], [[Hezbollah]], and Israel, ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * He's been an amazing prime minister, but we have a little dispute over Lebanon...we're the big partner and he's the small partner, that's true. ** Trump, referring to [[Bibi Netanyahu]], quoted in [https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-belittles-netanyahu-small-partner-163100000.html "Trump belittles Netanyahu as 'small partner' after 'dispute' exposed between leaders"], ''AOL'' (Jun 17, 2026) * You don't have to knock down a building every time someone walks into it that's from Hezbollah. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * It's not our money, it's their money, and we froze it. At a certain point in time, I guess we're going to have to give it back. ** Trump quoted on the return of Iranian assets frozen during the war in: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * We’ve now fought a war, spent billions and billions of dollars, you know, put enormous strain on our military. A lot of people have died. And it feels like we’re back where we were before we started the war, except maybe a little bit worse off. ** [[Barack Obama]], [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/obama-us-may-worse-now-iran-war-rcna350733 "Obama says U.S. may be ‘worse off’ now than before Iran war"], nbcnews.com (June 19, 2026) *If they do, they suffer unbelievable consequences... the ultimate consequences, Iran will not be permitted to develop, buy, or acquire one if they want to maintain a "very good relationship" with the United States. **[https://english.tupaki.com/latest-news/trump-warning-iran-nuclear-deal-g7-statement-1492147 Trump], ''Tupaki'' (June 17, 2026) *If General Soleimani hadn't been killed, we probably wouldn't be talking right now. He was a mad genius. They will never be able to replace this ideologue **[https://unn.ua/en/news/trump-called-the-liquidated-soleimani-a-mad-genius-and-linked-his-death-to-the-current-deal-with-iran Trump], ''UNN'' (June 17, 2026) *So many people forget that tough guys usually lead their country to the abyss. And, you know, all the tough guys, tough guys don't realize that this wasn't a three-month deal, this was years in the making. Do you know why? Because I killed General Soleimani. **[https://unn.ua/en/news/trump-called-the-liquidated-soleimani-a-mad-genius-and-linked-his-death-to-the-current-deal-with-iran Trump], ''UNN'' (June 17, 2026) ** [https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/video/economics/2026/06/17/i-was-the-one-who-killed-general-soleimani-trump/ Trump], ''BNN Bloomberg'' (June 17, 2026) * They closed parliament so they could sign whatever they wanted. **[[w:Hosseinali Shahriari|Hosseinali Shahriari]] quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606196854 "Iran MP says parliament was shut so officials could sign anything without oversight"], ''Iran International'' (June 19, 2026) * Entebbe showed that a free people, if they mobilize their courage and muster their strength and their will, they could overcome the worst tyranny. **[https://www.jns.org/news/israel-news/netanyahu-iran-campaign-laid-groundwork-for-fall-of-the-regime Bibi], ''JNS'' (June 21, 2026) == See also == * [[Iran]] * [[Israel]] * [[Middle East]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Might makes right]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [https://www.bbc.com BBC coverage of 2026 Iran conflict] * [https://www.aljazeera.com/news Al Jazeera: Iran crisis coverage] [[Category:2026]] [[Category:2020s in Iran]] [[Category:Wars and battles]] [[Category:Arab-Israeli conflict]] 4d31l1x7qo8attht10vs041q3ix57gm 0 306901 3955153 3936207 2026-06-21T22:19:35Z GrimRob 1187925 added thumbnail 3955153 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Mikha at Bini Billboard K POWER 100 (cropped).jpg|thumb]] '''[[w:Mikha (singer)|Mikhaela Janna Jimenea Lim]]''' (born November 8, 2003), known professionally as '''Mikha''', is a Filipino singer, rapper, actress and dancer under Star Music. She is one of the main rappers of the Filipino girl group Bini. == Quotes == * Let’s stop all the hate guys, my response was not to fuel hate but to inform and clear things up for everyone. Please spread kindness and just educate. ** [https://www.abs-cbn.com/entertainment/showbiz/celebrities/2025/5/1/bini-mikha-responds-to-criticism-for-speaking-english-urges-fans-to-spread-kindness-1216] ABSCBN, 01 May 2025. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT: Mikha}} [[Category:2003 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singers from the Philippines]] o3eqcalzdlyu62qm71hla4omihpitjg 3955154 3955153 2026-06-21T22:20:47Z GrimRob 1187925 link 3955154 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Mikha at Bini Billboard K POWER 100 (cropped).jpg|thumb]] '''[[w:Mikha (singer)|Mikhaela Janna Jimenea Lim]]''' (born November 8, 2003), known professionally as '''Mikha''', is a Filipino singer, rapper, actress and dancer under Star Music. She is one of the main rappers of the Filipino girl group [[w:Bini (group)|Bini]]. == Quotes == * Let’s stop all the hate guys, my response was not to fuel hate but to inform and clear things up for everyone. Please spread kindness and just educate. ** [https://www.abs-cbn.com/entertainment/showbiz/celebrities/2025/5/1/bini-mikha-responds-to-criticism-for-speaking-english-urges-fans-to-spread-kindness-1216] ABSCBN, 01 May 2025. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT: Mikha}} [[Category:2003 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singers from the Philippines]] e0bfqozxechrynz32snej2kwul45ezd 3955158 3955154 2026-06-21T22:41:27Z Ollin Masa 3311333 3955158 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Mikha at Bini Billboard K POWER 100 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Mikha in 2024]] '''[[w:Mikha (singer)|Mikhaela Janna Jimenea Lim]]''' (born November 8, 2003), known professionally as '''Mikha''', is a Filipino singer, rapper, actress and dancer under Star Music. She is one of the main rappers of the Filipino girl group [[w:Bini (group)|Bini]]. == Quotes == * Let’s stop all the hate guys, my response was not to fuel hate but to inform and clear things up for everyone. Please spread kindness and just educate. ** [https://www.abs-cbn.com/entertainment/showbiz/celebrities/2025/5/1/bini-mikha-responds-to-criticism-for-speaking-english-urges-fans-to-spread-kindness-1216] ABSCBN, 01 May 2025. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT: Mikha}} [[Category:2003 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singers from the Philippines]] 20zfozu539vd5ww5x7gm8r6paijvcck 3955159 3955158 2026-06-21T22:44:29Z Ollin Masa 3311333 3955159 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Mikha at Bini Billboard K POWER 100 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Mikha in 2024]] '''[[w:Mikha (singer)|Mikhaela Janna Jimenea Lim]]''' (born November 8, 2003), known professionally as '''Mikha''', is a Filipino singer, rapper, actress and dancer under Star Music. She is one of the main rappers of the Filipino girl group [[w:Bini (group)|Bini]]. == Quotes == * Let’s stop all the hate guys, my response was not to fuel hate but to inform and clear things up for everyone. Please spread kindness and just educate. ** [https://www.abs-cbn.com/entertainment/showbiz/celebrities/2025/5/1/bini-mikha-responds-to-criticism-for-speaking-english-urges-fans-to-spread-kindness-1216] ABSCBN, 01 May 2025. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT: Mikha}} [[Category:2003 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singers from the Philippines]] [[Category:Actresses]] [[Category:Dancers]] [[Category:Rappers]] cwophl80g8csoq3fdi1yf7b7fhcxwz0 3955160 3955159 2026-06-21T22:45:38Z Ollin Masa 3311333 3955160 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Mikha at Bini Billboard K POWER 100 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Mikha in 2024]] '''[[w:Mikha (singer)|Mikhaela Janna Jimenea Lim]]''' (born November 8, 2003), known professionally as '''Mikha''', is a Filipino singer, rapper, actress and dancer under Star Music. She is one of the main rappers of the Filipino girl group [[w:Bini (group)|Bini]]. == Quotes == * Let’s stop all the hate guys, my response was not to fuel hate but to inform and clear things up for everyone. Please spread kindness and just educate. ** [https://www.abs-cbn.com/entertainment/showbiz/celebrities/2025/5/1/bini-mikha-responds-to-criticism-for-speaking-english-urges-fans-to-spread-kindness-1216] ABSCBN, 01 May 2025. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT: Mikha}} [[Category:2003 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singers from the Philippines]] [[Category:Actresses from the Philippines]] [[Category:Dancers]] [[Category:Rappers]] sigbm5lz8693poc6299gt49fhhi89no 0 306936 3955053 3954776 2026-06-21T12:22:39Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 /* Dialogue */ 3955053 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Neighbors (2014 film)|Neighbors]]''''' (released in some countries as '''''Bad Neighbours''''') is a [[w:2014 in film|2014]] comedy film about a middle-aged couple who find themselves at war with their new fraternity neighbors. :''Directed by [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]]. Written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]] and [[w:Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]].'' {{center|'''Family vs. frat'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} {{film-stub}} ==Jimmy Blevins== * ''(after Assjuice puts the glasses on)'' He looks like J.J. Abrams. He look good. He looks okay. ==Dialogue== :'''Mac''': They’re actually really good. They taste like vanilla, kinda. They’re awesome. :'''Kelly''': Pudgie, what do you got there? ---- :'''Pete''': He put his dick in your mouth while you were asleep! :'''Assjuice''': I wasn’t asleep. ---- ''(Indistinct conversations)'' :'''Teddy''': Oh, there he is. ''(He is about to punch him but Pete dodges)'' :'''Pete''': Holy shit. :'''Teddy''': I’m just kidding. Sort of. :'''Pete''': What’s up, man? :'''Teddy''': Thanks for missing our meeting, Mr. VP. :'''Pete''': I… I had this… I had this job interview, so… :'''Teddy''': No, no, clearly you had more important things to do. :'''Pete''': Yeah. So, how'd the meeting go? :'''Teddy''': Oh, it went great. It went great. We’re on probation. We can’t party. :'''Pete''': Shit. That’s a bummer. :'''Teddy''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Pete''': So, are-are we… are we cool with what happened last night? :'''Teddy''': Bros before hoes. Right? :'''Pete''': Yeah. :'''Teddy''': Right? :'''Pete''': Yeah, man. :'''Teddy''': Junk before trunk. :'''Pete''': All right, balls before dolls. :'''Teddy''': ''Compadres'' before I sleep with ''tu madres''. :'''Pete''': Brad Pitt before Grab Glit. :'''Teddy''': Deez nuts before skinny sluts. :'''Pete''': Masturbate before I ask her to date. :'''Teddy''': Beef stew before watching ''The View''. :'''Pete''': Male erection before One Direction. :'''Teddy''': Mario and Luigi before Thelma & Louise-ee. :'''Pete''': Bert and Ernie before Squirt and Spermy. :'''Teddy''': Man purses before regular purses. :'''Pete''': Makes sense. :'''Teddy''': Yeah. :'''Pete''': Okay. :'''Teddy''': It does. :'''Pete''': Sports before genital warts… No, fuckin’. That’s bad. :'''Teddy''': That was a little weird. :'''Pete''': I’m fading a little bit. :'''Teddy''': John Madden before… :'''Both''': Jasmine from ''Aladdin''! :'''Teddy''' Yes! ''(He and Pete give each other a hi-five)'' We just said it at the same time! :'''Pete''': All right, man. I should probably… But I’ll see you back at the house, yeah? :'''Teddy''': See you, brother. :'''Pete''': All right. Good talk, man. :'''Teddy''': Later. ---- :'''Pete''': Do you think maybe we’ve gone too far? I’m a child of divorce and I sympathize with them. :'''Teddy''': My parents love each other, and I think it’s hilarious. ==Taglines== * Family vs. frat * The battle for the street begins. ==Cast== * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Mac Radner * [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] - Teddy Sanders * [[w:Rose Byrne|Rose Byrne]] - Kelly Radner * [[w:Christopher Mintz-Plasse|Christopher Mintz-Plasse]] - Scoonie * [[w:Dave Franco|Dave Franco]] - Pete Regazolli * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] - Jimmy Blevins * [[w:Carla Gallo|Carla Gallo]] - Paula Faldt * [[w:Craig Roberts|Craig Roberts]] - Assjuice ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=2004420|title=Neighbors}} [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:Films about fraternities and sororities]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] g088qjhvvw71zbavr7oq6mcsnog3vdt 3955059 3955053 2026-06-21T12:47:44Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 /* Dialogue */ 3955059 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Neighbors (2014 film)|Neighbors]]''''' (released in some countries as '''''Bad Neighbours''''') is a [[w:2014 in film|2014]] comedy film about a middle-aged couple who find themselves at war with their new fraternity neighbors. :''Directed by [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]]. Written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]] and [[w:Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]].'' {{center|'''Family vs. frat'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} {{film-stub}} ==Jimmy Blevins== * ''(after Assjuice puts the glasses on)'' He looks like J.J. Abrams. He look good. He looks okay. ==Dialogue== :'''Mac''': They’re actually really good. They taste like vanilla, kinda. They’re awesome. :'''Kelly''': Pudgie, what do you got there? ---- :'''Kelly''': This is our home! :'''Mac''': It’s our home! :'''Kelly''': This is out little cub on our lawn with a condom in her mouth. Oh, my God. I’m a mama bear. :'''Mac''': Yes, you are. :'''Kelly''': You know what? I’m gonna act all docile and then… ''(She roars)'' :'''Mac''': ''(He roars)'' My claws are out! I’m gonna fucking get them! :'''Kelly''': ''(hissing)'' :'''Mac''': Fuck these fucking guys! They don’t know who they are fucking with. They think I’m just a regular dad and then you know what happens? Boom! Boom! Teddy’s dead! Pete’s dead! Scoonie’s dead! Fuck you! :'''Kelly''': No, no. :'''Mac''': I’ll fucking kill them! :'''Kelly''': No, no. :'''Mac''': Boom! :'''Kelly''': No. Yes! :'''Mac''': I’m buying a fucking gun! :'''Kelly''': No, you’re not! :'''Mac''': I’m not buying a gun! You’re right, it’s a bad idea. :'''Kelly''': Bad call. :'''Mac''': What about one of those small prostitute guns? :'''Kelly''': No. You’re not buying a gun. :'''Mac''': ''(exhales)'' Fuck! :'''Kelly''': What can we do? That fucking Dean. What woman is named “Dean”? :'''Mac''': She’s not named “Dean.” That’s her job. :'''Kelly''': What? :'''Mac''': That’s what “dean” is here. :'''Kelly''': No. Really? :'''Mac''': Yeah. What did you think? :'''Kelly''': I thought that was her name. :'''Mac''': No. :'''Kelly''': Oh, no. :'''Mac''': What do they call in Australia? :'''Kelly''': “Chancellor.” :'''Mac''': No, she’s the chancellor. :'''Kelly''': Oh, my God. I was so rude to her. :'''Mac''': I don’t know what to do. :'''Kelly''': What do we know? :'''Mac''': What didn’t we have in college? :'''Kelly''': I didn’t have any money. :'''Mac''': I had no money either. :'''Kelly''': We had no money. They’re broke. They don’t have any money. :'''Mac''': We fuck with their house. They can’t afford to fix it. :'''Kelly''': Yes. :'''Mac''': They have to move. :'''Kelly''': Yeah, fuck them! :'''Mac''': Fuck them! We’re gonna fucking fuck them! :'''Kelly''': Fuck them! :'''Mac''': We are gonna fuck them! :'''Kelly''': Fuck them! ---- ''(Indistinct conversations)'' :'''Teddy''': Oh, there he is. ''(He is about to punch him but Pete dodges)'' :'''Pete''': Holy shit. :'''Teddy''': I’m just kidding. Sort of. :'''Pete''': What’s up, man? :'''Teddy''': Thanks for missing our meeting, Mr. VP. :'''Pete''': I… I had this… I had this job interview, so… :'''Teddy''': No, no, clearly you had more important things to do. :'''Pete''': Yeah. So, how'd the meeting go? :'''Teddy''': Oh, it went great. It went great. We’re on probation. We can’t party. :'''Pete''': Shit. That’s a bummer. :'''Teddy''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Pete''': So, are-are we… are we cool with what happened last night? :'''Teddy''': Bros before hoes. Right? :'''Pete''': Yeah. :'''Teddy''': Right? :'''Pete''': Yeah, man. :'''Teddy''': Junk before trunk. :'''Pete''': All right, balls before dolls. :'''Teddy''': ''Compadres'' before I sleep with ''tu madres''. :'''Pete''': Brad Pitt before Grab Glit. :'''Teddy''': Deez nuts before skinny sluts. :'''Pete''': Masturbate before I ask her to date. :'''Teddy''': Beef stew before watching ''The View''. :'''Pete''': Male erection before One Direction. :'''Teddy''': Mario and Luigi before Thelma & Louise-ee. :'''Pete''': Bert and Ernie before Squirt and Spermy. :'''Teddy''': Man purses before regular purses. :'''Pete''': Makes sense. :'''Teddy''': Yeah. :'''Pete''': Okay. :'''Teddy''': It does. :'''Pete''': Sports before genital warts… No, fuckin’. That’s bad. :'''Teddy''': That was a little weird. :'''Pete''': I’m fading a little bit. :'''Teddy''': John Madden before… :'''Both''': Jasmine from ''Aladdin''! :'''Teddy''' Yes! ''(He and Pete give each other a hi-five)'' We just said it at the same time! :'''Pete''': All right, man. I should probably… But I’ll see you back at the house, yeah? :'''Teddy''': See you, brother. :'''Pete''': All right. Good talk, man. :'''Teddy''': Later. ---- :'''Pete''': Do you think maybe we’ve gone too far? I’m a child of divorce and I sympathize with them. :'''Teddy''': My parents love each other, and I think it’s hilarious. ==Taglines== * Family vs. frat * The battle for the street begins. ==Cast== * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Mac Radner * [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] - Teddy Sanders * [[w:Rose Byrne|Rose Byrne]] - Kelly Radner * [[w:Christopher Mintz-Plasse|Christopher Mintz-Plasse]] - Scoonie * [[w:Dave Franco|Dave Franco]] - Pete Regazolli * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] - Jimmy Blevins * [[w:Carla Gallo|Carla Gallo]] - Paula Faldt * [[w:Craig Roberts|Craig Roberts]] - Assjuice ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=2004420|title=Neighbors}} [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:Films about fraternities and sororities]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] 4db3edd26p0j3rehzjoch1wy5ysgudf 3955086 3955059 2026-06-21T16:09:23Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 3955086 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Neighbors (2014 film)|Neighbors]]''''' (released in some countries as '''''Bad Neighbours''''') is a [[w:2014 in film|2014]] comedy film about a middle-aged couple who find themselves at war with their new fraternity neighbors. :''Directed by [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]]. Written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]] and [[w:Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]].'' {{center|'''Family vs. frat'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} {{film-stub}} ==Mac Radner== ==Teddy Sanders== ==Kelly Radner== ==Jimmy Blevins== * ''(after Assjuice puts the glasses on)'' He looks like J.J. Abrams. He look good. He looks okay. ==Dialogue== :'''Mac''': They’re actually really good. They taste like vanilla, kinda. They’re awesome. :'''Kelly''': Pudgie, what do you got there? ---- :'''Kelly''': This is our home! :'''Mac''': It’s our home! :'''Kelly''': This is out little cub on our lawn with a condom in her mouth. Oh, my God. I’m a mama bear. :'''Mac''': Yes, you are. :'''Kelly''': You know what? I’m gonna act all docile and then… ''(She roars)'' :'''Mac''': ''(He roars)'' My claws are out! I’m gonna fucking get them! :'''Kelly''': ''(hissing)'' :'''Mac''': Fuck these fucking guys! They don’t know who they are fucking with. They think I’m just a regular dad and then you know what happens? Boom! Boom! Teddy’s dead! Pete’s dead! Scoonie’s dead! Fuck you! :'''Kelly''': No, no. :'''Mac''': I’ll fucking kill them! :'''Kelly''': No, no. :'''Mac''': Boom! :'''Kelly''': No. Yes! :'''Mac''': I’m buying a fucking gun! :'''Kelly''': No, you’re not! :'''Mac''': I’m not buying a gun! You’re right, it’s a bad idea. :'''Kelly''': Bad call. :'''Mac''': What about one of those small prostitute guns? :'''Kelly''': No. You’re not buying a gun. :'''Mac''': ''(exhales)'' Fuck! :'''Kelly''': What can we do? That fucking Dean. What woman is named “Dean”? :'''Mac''': She’s not named “Dean.” That’s her job. :'''Kelly''': What? :'''Mac''': That’s what “dean” is here. :'''Kelly''': No. Really? :'''Mac''': Yeah. What did you think? :'''Kelly''': I thought that was her name. :'''Mac''': No. :'''Kelly''': Oh, no. :'''Mac''': What do they call in Australia? :'''Kelly''': “Chancellor.” :'''Mac''': No, she’s the chancellor. :'''Kelly''': Oh, my God. I was so rude to her. :'''Mac''': I don’t know what to do. :'''Kelly''': What do we know? :'''Mac''': What didn’t we have in college? :'''Kelly''': I didn’t have any money. :'''Mac''': I had no money either. :'''Kelly''': We had no money. They’re broke. They don’t have any money. :'''Mac''': We fuck with their house. They can’t afford to fix it. :'''Kelly''': Yes. :'''Mac''': They have to move. :'''Kelly''': Yeah, fuck them! :'''Mac''': Fuck them! We’re gonna fucking fuck them! :'''Kelly''': Fuck them! :'''Mac''': We are gonna fuck them! :'''Kelly''': Fuck them! ---- ''(Indistinct conversations)'' :'''Teddy''': Oh, there he is. ''(He is about to punch him but Pete dodges)'' :'''Pete''': Holy shit. :'''Teddy''': I’m just kidding. Sort of. :'''Pete''': What’s up, man? :'''Teddy''': Thanks for missing our meeting, Mr. VP. :'''Pete''': I… I had this… I had this job interview, so… :'''Teddy''': No, no, clearly you had more important things to do. :'''Pete''': Yeah. So, how'd the meeting go? :'''Teddy''': Oh, it went great. It went great. We’re on probation. We can’t party. :'''Pete''': Shit. That’s a bummer. :'''Teddy''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Pete''': So, are-are we… are we cool with what happened last night? :'''Teddy''': Bros before hoes. Right? :'''Pete''': Yeah. :'''Teddy''': Right? :'''Pete''': Yeah, man. :'''Teddy''': Junk before trunk. :'''Pete''': All right, balls before dolls. :'''Teddy''': ''Compadres'' before I sleep with ''tu madres''. :'''Pete''': Brad Pitt before Grab Glit. :'''Teddy''': Deez nuts before skinny sluts. :'''Pete''': Masturbate before I ask her to date. :'''Teddy''': Beef stew before watching ''The View''. :'''Pete''': Male erection before One Direction. :'''Teddy''': Mario and Luigi before Thelma & Louise-ee. :'''Pete''': Bert and Ernie before Squirt and Spermy. :'''Teddy''': Man purses before regular purses. :'''Pete''': Makes sense. :'''Teddy''': Yeah. :'''Pete''': Okay. :'''Teddy''': It does. :'''Pete''': Sports before genital warts… No, fuckin’. That’s bad. :'''Teddy''': That was a little weird. :'''Pete''': I’m fading a little bit. :'''Teddy''': John Madden before… :'''Both''': Jasmine from ''Aladdin''! :'''Teddy''' Yes! ''(He and Pete give each other a hi-five)'' We just said it at the same time! :'''Pete''': All right, man. I should probably… But I’ll see you back at the house, yeah? :'''Teddy''': See you, brother. :'''Pete''': All right. Good talk, man. :'''Teddy''': Later. ---- :'''Pete''': Do you think maybe we’ve gone too far? I’m a child of divorce and I sympathize with them. :'''Teddy''': My parents love each other, and I think it’s hilarious. ==Taglines== * Family vs. frat * The battle for the street begins. ==Cast== * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Mac Radner * [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] - Teddy Sanders * [[w:Rose Byrne|Rose Byrne]] - Kelly Radner * [[w:Christopher Mintz-Plasse|Christopher Mintz-Plasse]] - Scoonie * [[w:Dave Franco|Dave Franco]] - Pete Regazolli * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] - Jimmy Blevins * [[w:Carla Gallo|Carla Gallo]] - Paula Faldt * [[w:Craig Roberts|Craig Roberts]] - Assjuice ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=2004420|title=Neighbors}} [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:Films about fraternities and sororities]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] 3tm1r6qfzwotkydmkzqp1tqj4j22zfc 3955237 3955086 2026-06-22T06:47:53Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Dialogue */ 3955237 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Neighbors (2014 film)|Neighbors]]''''' (released in some countries as '''''Bad Neighbours''''') is a [[w:2014 in film|2014]] comedy film about a middle-aged couple who find themselves at war with their new fraternity neighbors. :''Directed by [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]]. Written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]] and [[w:Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]].'' {{center|'''Family vs. frat'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} {{film-stub}} ==Mac Radner== ==Teddy Sanders== ==Kelly Radner== ==Jimmy Blevins== * ''(after Assjuice puts the glasses on)'' He looks like J.J. Abrams. He look good. He looks okay. ==Dialogue== :'''Mac''': They’re actually really good. They taste like vanilla, kinda. They’re awesome. :'''Kelly''': Pudgie, what do you got there? ---- :'''Kelly''': This is our home! :'''Mac''': It’s our home! :'''Kelly''': This is out little cub on our lawn with a condom in her mouth. Oh, my God. I’m a mama bear. :'''Mac''': Yes, you are. :'''Kelly''': You know what? I’m gonna act all docile and then… ''(She roars)'' :'''Mac''': ''(He roars)'' My claws are out! I’m gonna fucking get them! :'''Kelly''': ''(hissing)'' :'''Mac''': Fuck these fucking guys! They don’t know who they are fucking with. They think I’m just a regular dad and then you know what happens? Boom! Boom! Teddy’s dead! Pete’s dead! Scoonie’s dead! Fuck you! :'''Kelly''': No, no. :'''Mac''': I’ll fucking kill them! :'''Kelly''': No, no. :'''Mac''': Boom! :'''Kelly''': No. Yes! :'''Mac''': I’m buying a fucking gun! :'''Kelly''': No, you’re not! :'''Mac''': I’m not buying a gun! You’re right, it’s a bad idea. :'''Kelly''': Bad call. :'''Mac''': What about one of those small prostitute guns? :'''Kelly''': No. You’re not buying a gun. :'''Mac''': ''(exhales)'' Fuck! :'''Kelly''': What can we do? That fucking Dean. What woman is named “Dean”? :'''Mac''': She’s not named “Dean.” That’s her job. :'''Kelly''': What? :'''Mac''': That’s what “dean” is here. :'''Kelly''': No. Really? :'''Mac''': Yeah. What did you think? :'''Kelly''': I thought that was her name. :'''Mac''': No. :'''Kelly''': Oh, no. :'''Mac''': What do they call in Australia? :'''Kelly''': “Chancellor.” :'''Mac''': No, she’s the chancellor. :'''Kelly''': Oh, my God. I was so rude to her. :'''Mac''': I don’t know what to do. :'''Kelly''': What do we know? :'''Mac''': What didn’t we have in college? :'''Kelly''': I didn’t have any money. :'''Mac''': I had no money either. :'''Kelly''': We had no money. They’re broke. They don’t have any money. :'''Mac''': We fuck with their house. They can’t afford to fix it. :'''Kelly''': Yes. :'''Mac''': They have to move. :'''Kelly''': Yeah, fuck them! :'''Mac''': Fuck them! We’re gonna fucking fuck them! :'''Kelly''': Fuck them! :'''Mac''': We are gonna fuck them! :'''Kelly''': Fuck them! ---- ''(Indistinct conversations)'' :'''Teddy''': Oh, there he is. ''(He is about to punch him but Pete dodges)'' :'''Pete''': Holy shit. :'''Teddy''': I’m just kidding. Sort of. :'''Pete''': What’s up, man? :'''Teddy''': Thanks for missing our meeting, Mr. VP. :'''Pete''': I… I had this… I had this job interview, so… :'''Teddy''': No, no, clearly you had more important things to do. :'''Pete''': Yeah. So, how'd the meeting go? :'''Teddy''': Oh, it went great. It went great. We’re on probation. We can’t party. :'''Pete''': Shit. That’s a bummer. :'''Teddy''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Pete''': So, are-are we… are we cool with what happened last night? :'''Teddy''': Bros before hoes. Right? :'''Pete''': Yeah. :'''Teddy''': Right? :'''Pete''': Yeah, man. :'''Teddy''': Junk before trunk. :'''Pete''': All right, balls before dolls. :'''Teddy''': ''Compadres'' before I sleep with ''tu madres''. :'''Pete''': Brad Pitt before Grab Glit. :'''Teddy''': Deez nuts before skinny sluts. :'''Pete''': Masturbate before I ask her to date. :'''Teddy''': Beef stew before watching ''The View''. :'''Pete''': Male erection before One Direction. :'''Teddy''': Mario and Luigi before Thelma & Louise-ee. :'''Pete''': Bert and Ernie before Squirt and Spermy. :'''Teddy''': Man purses before regular purses. :'''Pete''': Makes sense. :'''Teddy''': Yeah. :'''Pete''': Okay. :'''Teddy''': It does. :'''Pete''': Sports before genital warts… No, fuckin’. That’s bad. :'''Teddy''': That was a little weird. :'''Pete''': I’m fading a little bit. :'''Teddy''': John Madden before… :'''Both''': Jasmine from ''Aladdin''! :'''Teddy''' Yes! ''(He and Pete give each other a high-five)'' We just said it at the same time! :'''Pete''': All right, man. I should probably… But I’ll see you back at the house, yeah? :'''Teddy''': See you, brother. :'''Pete''': All right. Good talk, man. :'''Teddy''': Later. ---- :'''Pete''': Do you think maybe we’ve gone too far? I’m a child of divorce and I sympathize with them. :'''Teddy''': My parents love each other, and I think it’s hilarious. ==Taglines== * Family vs. frat * The battle for the street begins. ==Cast== * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Mac Radner * [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] - Teddy Sanders * [[w:Rose Byrne|Rose Byrne]] - Kelly Radner * [[w:Christopher Mintz-Plasse|Christopher Mintz-Plasse]] - Scoonie * [[w:Dave Franco|Dave Franco]] - Pete Regazolli * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] - Jimmy Blevins * [[w:Carla Gallo|Carla Gallo]] - Paula Faldt * [[w:Craig Roberts|Craig Roberts]] - Assjuice ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=2004420|title=Neighbors}} [[Category:2014 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:Films about fraternities and sororities]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] 8kwgbliy8dej76jno4yargpnecfzt46 0 307839 3955168 3948171 2026-06-21T23:25:14Z ~2026-35938-51 3344279 3955168 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[:w:Art for art's sake|Art for Art's Sake]]''' ([[:w:Latin|Latin]]: '''''Ars Gratia Artis''''', [[:w:French language|French]]: '''''L'art Pour L'art''''', [[:w:German language|German]]: '''''Kunst Für Die Kunst''''', [[:w:Italian language|Italian]]: '''''L'arte Per L'arte'''''), is a slogan translated from the Latin: ''Ars Gratia Artis'', French: ''L'art Pour L'art'', German: ''Kunst Für Die Kunst'', Italian: ''L'arte Per L'arte'', which was coined in the early 19th century by the Latin, French, German, and Italian philosopher Victor Cousin. The phrase expresses the belief held by many writers and artists, especially those associated with Estheticism, that art needs no justification and personification, that it need serve no political, didactic, or other ends. that is the moment later. ==Decadence== '''Decadence''', is a period of decline or deterioration of art or literature that follows an era of great achievement. Examples include the Silver Age and Bronze Age of Latin literature, which began about 18 following the end of the Golden Age, and the Decadent movement at the end of the 19th century in France, Germany, Italy and England. A [[:w:Latin|Latin]] version of this phrase '''''Ars Gratia Artis''''' is in you may was still here the phrase from the iconic circular logo of the [[:w:Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer|Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer]] film studios, which features a roaring head of [[:w:Leo the Lion (MGM)|Leo the Lion]] framed by the motto in you may was still there that exact phrase framed on the filmstrip ribbon around within the roaring head of [[:w:Leo the Lion (MGM)|Leo the Lion]] logo of [[:w:Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer|Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer]] in the filmrolls ribbon inside film studios was still there in its iconic motion picture film logo. =Quotes= * Insanity is a legal term. Human beings are the only creature on Earth that claim a god and the only thing that behaves like it hasn't got one. Crazy is an art form. ** [[Hunter S. Thompson|Hunter Stockton Thompson]] * The æsthetic attitude is at best a half-truth. ** [[George Orwell]], ''[[W:Belly of the Beast#Television|Inside]] the [[Modest_Mouse#The_Whale_Song|Whale]]'' (1940) * Art is the path of the creator to his work. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''[[Art]]'' (1841) ==Quotes about Art for Art's Sake== * '''''Ars Gratia Artis''''', the [[w:Latin|Latin]] etymological roots from which the words '''''Art for Art's Sake''''' are derived serves as the Official Motto of Hollywood film studio [[:w:Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer|Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer]]. The phrase is inscribed on filmrolls encircling [[:w:Leo the Lion (MGM)|Leo the Lion]]'s head whilst he roars during the iconic opening [[W:GIF|gif]]. == External Links == * The writer is situated in time[https://www.reddit.com/r/latin/comments/10zsohl/comment/oopo5im ;] every word has consequences[https://www.reddit.com/r/law/comments/1tplrl5/comment/oogpneh .] [[W:Neutral_point_of_view|—]] Jean-Paul Sartre[[Hannah_Arendt#The_Origins_of_Totalitarianism_(1951)|,]] ''Porte Verrouillée; huis clos'' (1990) {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1830s neologisms]] [[Category:Mottos]] [[Category:Phrases]] [[Category:Slogans]] hndq4au36992yybn0blht2jvapr6odg 0 307903 3955151 3954991 2026-06-21T22:07:45Z Vanguard Man 3294029 3955151 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:"Backrooms" logo.svg|frameless|right|thumb|alt=A logo reading "BACKROOMS"]] '''''[[w:Backrooms (film)|Backrooms]]''''' is a 2026 American [[w:science fiction film|science fiction]] and [[w:psychological horror (film and television)|psychological horror film]] about a man who discovers a dimension of seemingly endless [[w:Liminal space (aesthetic)|liminal spaces]] accessed through the basement of his furniture store and his therapist, who ventures into the unknown to try to save him. :''Directed by [[w:Kane Parsons|Kane Parsons]]. Written by Will Soodik, based on [[w:Backrooms (web series)|the web series]] created by Kane Parsons.'' {{center/s}}'''Everything must go.'''&nbsp; <small>[[#Taglines|taglines]]</small>{{center/e}} {{film-stub}} == Clark == * I am a fucking architect! I'm just stuck selling shit furniture because someone won't get off their fat fucking ass and help me! * Look, I know how this sounds but you gotta understand, it's massive in there. * Okay, I'm gonna come back here with proof. * It's beautiful. Am I right? * Keep up. It only gets better. * It's like a maze, it just goes on and on. * All these rooms, this place builds them. * I've been here every night since I found the place and I still barely scratched the surface. * Sometimes I'm scared I'll get lost. * For starters, they can't feel anything. Can you imagine how good that must feel? I mean, there's no thoughts, no pain, no ego. No fear. They simply... exist. Like furniture. * All these places and buildings, rooms, misremembering themselves. It's a real mess, but also beautiful in a way, no? == Dr. Mary Kline == * I'm not saying I don't believe you. * We all have our loops. Our habits. Behaviors that keep us walking in circles. Reaching for the same solutions over and over again. Thinking each time will take you somewhere new, but they don't. And still, it's the neural pathway of least resistance. A path you made. It's the one that kept you safe when you were a child. You learned to push people away before they could hurt you. And now, as an adult, you're still stuck right where you started. Alone. * You attack me and tie me up? Blame your brain! You are your fucking brain, you DIPSHIT! * It’s like describing a dog to someone who has never seen a dog, and then asking them to draw it. == Other == * '''Bobby''': You still haven't told us what we're doing here, man. == Dialogue == :'''Clark''': I found something.. :'''Mary''': What'd you find? :'''Clark''': I found a place...I found a place. == Taglines == * Everything must go. * You are not supposed to be here. * If you're not careful. * See how far it goes. * The more you look, the more you find. == Cast == * [[w:Chiwetel Ejiofor|Chiwetel Ejiofor]] – Clark * [[w:Renate Reinsve|Renate Reinsve]] – Dr. Mary Kline * [[w:Mark Duplass|Mark Duplass]] – Phil * [[w:Finn Bennett|Finn Bennett]] – Bobby * [[w:Lukita Maxwell|Lukita Maxwell]] – Kat * [[w:Avan Jogia|Avan Jogia]] – Naren Warne * [[w:Robert Bobroczkyi|Robert Bobroczkyi]] – Pirate Clark * [[w:Krista Kosonen|Krista Kosonen]] – Nora Kline == External links == {{wikipedia|Backrooms (film)}} {{commonscat|Backrooms}} * {{Official website|https://a24films.com/films/backrooms|''Backrooms''}} at [https://a24films.com/ A24 Films] * {{IMDb title|26657236}} {{authority control}} [[Category:2026 American films]] [[Category:Supernatural horror films]] [[Category:Psychological horror films]] [[Category:Science fiction horror films]] [[Category:Films about parallel universes]] [[Category:Films about divorce]] [[Category:Films based on web series]] [[Category:Films set in stores]] [[Category:Films about monsters]] jrrumr26bnkeg0wllb2yyg2jt2gsjy2 0 308136 3955124 3954987 2026-06-21T19:04:03Z WQ-FA-2026 3343520 /* G */ Added some more quotes from The Hungry Brain. (at my limit for this book, I think) 3955124 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:USA_Obesity_2024.svg|thumb|right|]] A '''[[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]]''' (or eating addiction) is any behavioural addiction characterized primarily by the compulsive consumption of palatable and hyperpalatable food items, and potentially also sugar-sweetened beverages. Such foods often have high sugar, fat, and salt contents, and markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals. Those with eating addictions often overconsume such foods despite the adverse consequences (such as excess weight gain, diabetes, and heart disease) associated with their overconsumption. == Quotes == __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==A== <small>Peter Attia, Bill Gifford</small> * [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet#Ketogenic_die|Ketogenic diet]] means restricting carbohydrates to such an extent that the body begins metabolizing fat into "ketone bodies" that the muscles and brain can utilize as fuel. ** [[w:Peter_Attia|Peter Attia]] and Bill Gifford, ''[[w:Outlive:_The_Science_and_Art_of_Longevity|Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity]]'' (2023) * Evolution wants us to get fat when nutrients are abundant: the more energy we could store, in our ancestral past, the greater our chances of survival and successful reproduction. We needed to be able to endure periods of time without much food, and natural selection obliged, endowing us with genes that helped us conserve and store energy in the form of fat. That enabled our distant ancestors to survive periods of famine, cold climates, and physiologic stressors such as illness and pregnancy. But these genes have proved less advantageous in our present environment, where many people in the developed world have access to almost unlimited calories. ** ''Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity'' * In the late 1970s, the average American adult male weighed 173 pounds. Now the average American man tips the scale at nearly 200 pounds. ** ''Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity'' <small>Nicole Avena</small> * Heavy consumption of highly processed foods can alter dopamine and opioid neurotransmission, creating a cycle of bingeing and withdrawal. ** Nicole M. Avena, Pedro Rada, and Bartley G. Hoebel. ''Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake.'' Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews (2008) [[File:Walmart_Wenatchee.jpg|thumb|right|We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates.]] * The modern food environment acts as a constant cue, activating the reward center of the brain before the food even touches your tongue. ** Nicole M. Avena and John Talbott, ''Why Diets Fail: Because You're Addicted to Sugar'' (2014) ISBN 978-1451699708 * Our research shows that sugar can stimulate the brain's reward system in a manner similar to drugs of abuse, leading to chemical changes that mirror addiction. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''What to Eat When You're Pregnant'' (2015) ISBN 978-1607746737 * Food addiction is not a metaphor; it is a clinical reality driven by biological changes in the brain's survival circuitry. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless: A 7-Step Plan to Uncover Hidden Sugars, Curb Your Cravings, and Conquer Your Addiction'' (2023) ISBN 978-1401972172 * We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless'' (2023) ==B== [[File:William_Banting.jpg|thumb|right|''My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, [...] that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority.''<br>~ William Banting (1796-1878)]] <small>William Banting</small> * The great charm and comfort of the system is, that its effects are palpable within a week of trial, which creates a natural stimulus to persevere for a few weeks more, when the fact becomes established beyond question. ** [[w:William_Banting|William Banting]] (1796-1878), [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence ''Letter on Corpulence, Addressed to the Public'' (1864)], plus later Addenda.<br>An early historical example (1864) of '''successfully following a [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet|low-carbohydrate diet]]''' by changing what he ate, after much earlier frustration clarifying the underlying (previously medically unrecognised) problem in his particular case; thereby reducing his weight from 202 pounds to 150 pounds. Then recommending this remedial course of action to other "sufferers of corpulence". * My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, and whether it be swallowed in that form or generated in the stomach, that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Addenda First Addendum]'' to his (public) 1864 letter. * I shall always observe a careful watch upon myself to discover the effect, and act accordingly, so that, if I choose to spend a day or two with [[w:Rich_man_and_Lazarus|Dives]], so to speak, I must not forget to devote the next to Lazarus. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Concluding_addenda Second Addendum]'' to his 1864 letter. ''[i.e., that partaking of a "fattening dietary [item] occasionally" needs ideally to be tempered by a subsequent bout of compensatorily restrictive eating.]'' * My impression from the experiments I have tried on myself of late is, that saccharine matter is the great moving cause of fatty corpulence. I know that it produces in my individual case increased weight and a large amount of flatulence, and believe, that not only sugar, but all elements tending to create saccharine matter in the process of digestion, should be avoided. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' * One material point I should be glad to impress on my corpulent readers—it is, to get accurately weighed at starting upon the fresh system, and continue to do so weekly or monthly, for the change will be so truly palpable by this course of examination, that it will arm them with perfect confidence in the merit and ultimate success of the plan. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' <small>Benjamin Bikman</small> * If your [fasting] [[w:Insulin|insulin]] levels are on the low end (lower than around 6 microunits/milliliter or 41 picomoles/liter), it's a safe assumption that you're doing quite well and your insulin sensitivity is strong. You are either already adhering to smart lifestyle choices or you are young enough to get away with bad choices for now. If your insulin levels are moderately elevated (7-17 microunits/milliliter or 48 to 118 picomoles/liter), you should start making changes, particularly with the food you eat and how frequently you're eating. In the event your insulin is high (greater than 18 microunits/milliliter or 125 per picomoles/liter), you need to make changes today. ** Benjamin Bikman, ''Why We Get Sick: The Hidden Epidemic at the Root of Most Chronic Disease―and How to Fight It'' (2020) <small>Kelly D. Brownell</small> [[File:SAKURAKO_-_Are_you_Junk_Food_lover%3F_(6447206019).jpg|thumb|right|We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits.]] * We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits with toy giveaways and in-school promotions.. ** [[w:Kelly_D._Brownell|Kelly D. Brownell]], ''Food Fight: The Inside Story of the Food Industry, America's Obesity Crisis, and What We Can Do About It'' (2004) ISBN 978-0071438728 * Certain constituents of food products, added sugar in particular, may hijack the brain and override human will, judgement and personal responsibility, and in so doing create a public health menace. ** Kelly D. Brownell and Mark Gold, ''Food Addiction: A Comprehensive Handbook''. (2012) ISBN 978-0199738168 * As a culture, we've become upset by the tobacco companies advertising to children, but we sit idly by while the food companies do the very same thing. And we could make a claim that the toll taken on the public health by a poor diet rivals that taken by tobacco. ** Kelly D. Brownell. Cited in ''The New York Times Magazine'', 2013. ''[https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/the-extraordinary-science-of-addictive-junk-food.html "The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food."]'' * Portion sizes and the availability of highly processed, highly caloric food have grown dramatically... How far are you from a doughnut? ** Kelly D. Brownell. Center for Science in the Public Interest, [https://www.cspi.org/article/why-our-toxic-food-environment-matters interview, 2022]. ''"Why our toxic food environment matters."'' ==C== * Our real problem is our eating habits. What we need to change is our eating habits. The real problem is that we've been brainwashed into adopting stupid eating habits. ** [[w:Allen_Carr|Allen Carr]], ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' (1997) - at p.20, 21. * You aren't going on a diet. You are merely changing your eating habits. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.67. * Although avoiding starvation is the ultimate purpose of eating, isn't it true that each meal is prompted by a more immediate reason, such as 'I'm in the habit of eating three meals a day,' or 'I enjoy eating,' or 'Because I feel hungry, bored, nervous or miserable,' or 'Because I got the whiff of something that smelt good,' or, simply, 'The food was there and I couldn't resist it.'<br>We might eat for any one of these reasons or all of them. It's rather confusing, isn't it? And not surprising that we become overweight. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.72. * Mother Nature's only purpose in making us want to eat is that we survive. [...] The sole purpose of eating is to provide fuel and maintenance materials.<br>[But] aren't most of us in the habit of having a certain volume of food served up on our plates three times a day and then attempting to eat that volume regardless of the energy we propose to burn?<br>The point is: our bodies aren't designed to handle that surplus. [... ] Instead, we are obliged to store it in the form of unsightly bulges around our midriffs and elsewhere, and that's why we become overweight and obese.<br>We can now concentrate all of our attention on one aspect and one aspect alone: Our intake. [...] Provided the intake is correct the rest takes care of itself. [...] [So] tamper with... the type and quantity of food that you eat. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.73, 74, 75, 76 * [104] If you stick to the principle of eating when you are hungry and stopping when you have satisfied that hunger, you will not only enjoy every meal, but you will have no weight problems. However, I would emphasize that I said stop eating when you have satisfied your hunger, and not your gluttony. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.104 * ''How to lose weight and keep it off''<br>+ The most important thing is to change your mentality and approach rather than simply changing what you eat.<br>+ Correcting the misconceptions that keep you trapped eating the wrong foods that cause you to not only gain weight but also feel tired, miserable and unfit is essential.<br>+ Get your head right and it’s easy to lose weight (and keep it off).<br>As long as you change your thinking and see the food that has made you overweight for what it is; poisonous, toxic, and addictive junk that’s made you ill, you’ll find it easy. ** Some points from the [https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-weight-loss/how-do-i-lose-weight-and-keep-it-off allencarr.com website] ==F== <small>'''Dr Jason Fung'''</small> * The basics of good nutrition can be summarized in these simple rules. Eat whole, unprocessed foods. Avoid sugar. Avoid refined grains. Eat a diet high in natural fats. Balance feeding with [[w:Fasting|fasting]]. ** [[w:Jason_Fung|Jason Fung]], ''The Complete Guide to Fasting: Heal Your Body Through Intermittent, Alternate-Day, and Extended Fasting'' (2016) [[File:Quote_on_Fasting_from_Rumi.jpg|thumb|right|<br>Balance feeding with fasting.<br><br>We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast.]] * We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * [In cases where] too much insulin causes obesity, then it becomes clear we need to lower insulin levels. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * Caloric reduction and portion-control strategies only make you tired and hungry. Worst of all...''you regain all the weight you have lost.'' I know it. You know it.<br>[...] Losing weight triggers two important responses. First, total energy expenditure is immediately and indefinitely reduced in order to conserve the available energy. Second, hormonal hunger signaling is immediately and indefinitely amplified in an effort to acquire more food. Weight loss results in increased hunger and decreased metabolism. This evolutionary survival strategy has a single purpose: ''to make us regain the lost weight''.<br>[...] Eating less does not result in lasting weight loss. It. Just. Does. Not. Work. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss (2016)'' - Part 2, at Chapter 3, p.41, 45, 47. * Obesity is a hormonal disorder of fat regulation. Insulin is the major hormone that drives weight gain, so the rational therapy is to ''lower insulin levels''. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code'' - Part 6, at Chapter 19, p.219. * Reduce your consumption of added sugars. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.219. * Just don't snack<br> The healthy snack is one of the greatest weight-loss deceptions. The myth that ‘grazing is healthy’ has attained legendary status. If we were meant to ‘graze’, we would be cows. Grazing is the direct opposite of virtually all food traditions. Even as recently as the 1960s, most people still ate just three meals per day. Constant stimulation of insulin eventually leads to insulin resistance.<br>[...] Stop eating all the time.<br>[...] Are snacks necessary? No.<br>[...] There's a simple answer to the question of what to eat at snack time. Nothing. Don't eat snacks. Period. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.222, 223. * Eat whole, unprocessed foods at all meals. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.225. * Reduce your consumption of refined grains. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.228. [[File:Quote_From_Plato_About_Fasting.jpg|thumb|right|<br>There is one more piece to the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago.<br><br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.]] * The last piece of the puzzle<br>All diets work in the short term. But we've been ignoring the long-term problem of insulin resistance. There is one more piece of the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago. A practice that has been enshrined in the nutritional lore of virtually every population on earth. A tradition rapidly becoming extinct.<br>Two major factors maintain our insulin at a high level. The first is the foods that we eat - which are what we usually change when we go on a diet. But we fail to address the other factor: the long-term problem of insulin resistance. This problem is one of meal timing.<br>To succeed, we must break the insulin-resistance cycle. But how?<br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.<br>When we talk about fasting to break insulin resistance and lose weight, we are talking about intermittent fasts of twenty-four to thirty-six hours.<br>The remainder of this chapter will be devoted to addressing the health concerns around fasting - which, the research shows us, is a beneficial practice. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19 at p.233, 234. Ch.20 at p.235, 236. * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/@DrJasonFung <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung - YouTube Channel]'''</small><br> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqZsS03dlPk <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung: Beginner's Guide to Intermittent Fasting] (2020) (10 mins)'''</small> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ8ihAntvbI <u>On YouTube</u>: "Dr. Jason Fung: The Best Fasting Method for Visceral Fat and Insulin Resistance has Been Discovered"] (2026) (2h 12 mins)'''</small> ==G== <small>Ashley Gearhardt</small> [[File:Junk_Food_Addiction_(286918378).jpg|thumb|right|"People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice. They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly."<br><br>"These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances."]] * Right now, we're kind of like, 'just eat these foods in moderation.' And for the people for whom consumption of these foods has become compulsive, it's like telling people with alcohol use disorder to just find a way to drink in moderation. ** Ashley Gearhardt, National Institutes of Health [https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2024/02/dr-ashley-gearhardt-addiction-ultra-processed-foods (NIH) interview, 2024]. ''"Dr. Ashley Gearhardt on Addiction and Ultra-Processed Foods."'' * “People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice,” said lead author University of Michigan professor of psychology Ashley Gearhardt, Ph.D. “They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly.” ** Quoted on the [https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-outlook/202403/addicted-to-food ''Psychology Today''] website. * These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances. ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * The younger you are when you're exposed to an addictive substance, the more likely you are to have problems... Kids are being exposed to this and aggressively marketed to... it's setting them up where this is one of the major sources of reward, sources of ways to cope. ** ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * What has happened in modern times is that previously healthy [[w:whole foods|whole foods]] have been largely replaced by [[w:Ultra-processed_food|ultra-processed foods]], which are high in pure sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, salt, and the wrong types of fats.<br>The reasons that our bodies crave these foods is because they are loaded with ingredients that tap into the pleasure centers in our brain, the so-called dopamine reward pathway, which is the same pathway that street drugs like cocaine tap into. ** [https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2024/09/why-do-we-crave-junk-food-diet-psychology The Harvard Gazette.] ''"Why we crave junk food—and how to cultivate healthier eating habits."'' * ''Mills'': "What's the difference between being addicted to food and just liking to indulge in treats more than you should? How can you tell if someone meets the threshold for addiction?"<br>''Gearhardt'': "...I took our diagnostic criteria that we have in the [[w:Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders|DSM]] to try and dissociate between social drinkers and somebody who's actually addicted to alcohol. And I've applied that to the intake of these really highly processed foods with unnatural levels of refined carbohydrates and fats. And so, the hallmarks of addiction that I'm looking for are a loss of control over intake.<br>[...] Having more of a sense of your cues and your reactions can start to give you some of your power back.<br>[...] Right now, we're at where I see we've been with a lot of addictions in the past, which is that it's just a focus on willpower: 'You just have to try a little harder, calories in calories out.' And what it's ignoring is that there's a trillion dollar industry that is using its research and development budget to specifically design these highly processed foods to trigger unnaturally intense levels of reward in your brain in a way that makes it hard to manage. And that if this is triggering this addictive compulsive pull, it's not just an adult choice, but really the result of a toxic environment really pushing a risky food substance that we're not well informed about. And so, that seems to actually be somewhat helpful in reducing stigma and reducing the belief that people just aren't trying hard enough and it's just a matter of willpower.<br>[...] It's clearly not all foods. It's clearly this subset of highly processed foods that are unnatural, highly refined, highly rewarding products. And that's what people get hooked on. [...] People are really struggling to get a handle on their relationship with these foods, even in the face of really stark consequences." ** [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association.] ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food? With Ashley Gearhardt, PhD."'' * "And some of the behaviors that we see that people report is that they really struggle to maintain their control once they start eating some of these foods. [...] There's a tendency that even if you have some pretty significant negative consequences, health consequences, emotional consequences-you keep returning to that same dietary pattern. [...] Because the foods themselves seem to have kind of taken an oversized view in their world. They really start kind [of] driving their eating behavior and sometimes driving their entire life.<br>[...] From a public health perspective, the biggest concern is if these foods have enough of an addictive pull, they trigger enough of a response that you really struggle to eat in moderation. That says, on a broad scale, people are struggling with their relationship with these foods in a way that increases health-related problems." ** [https://wfpc.sanford.duke.edu/podcasts/ashley-gearhardt-food-addiction Duke University, ''World Food Policy Center''] ''"Ashley Gearhardt on Food Addiction and You… Yes, You."'' * We just blame it on the individual for a while and say 'oh, you know, just smoke in moderation, drink in moderation' – and eventually we get to a point where we understand the levers that the industry can pull to create products that can really hook people. ** Ashley Gearhardt, University of Michigan [https://lsa.umich.edu/psych/news-events/all-news/faculty-news/ultra-processed-foods-should-be-treated-more-like-cigarettes-tha.html clinical commentary, 2026]. ''"Ultra-processed foods should be treated more like cigarettes than food."'' <small>Stephan J. Guyenet</small> * In 1980, the US Department of Health and Human Services and the US Department of Agriculture released a document titled [https://www.dietaryguidelines.gov/sites/default/files/2019-05/1980%20DGA.pdf Dietary Guidelines for Americans].<br>[...] If you followed the ''Guidelines'' faithfully, you would end up eating a diet that's not very different from what most nutrition professionals recommend today: primarily whole grains, beans, potatoes, vegetables, fruits, nuts, lean meat, seafood, and dairy, with little added fat, sugar, or highly processed foods.<br>[...] Seems pretty reasonable. Yet you know what happened next: We got fatter. Between 1980 and today, the US obesity rate more than doubled.<br>[...] Against the advice of the ''Guidelines'', our intake of soda, refined sugar, refined starch, added fats, and highly processed food skyrocketed, along with our calorie intake. ** Stephan J. Guyenet, ''[[w:The_Hungry_Brain|The Hungry Brain: Outsmarting the Instincts That Make Us Overeat]]'' (2017) ISBN 1-250-08119-X - Introduction, at p.1, 2, 3. [Page numbers are from the 2017 Vermilion edition.] * Information alone isn't always an effective way to change behavior.<br>[...] If our everyday eating behavior is primarily guided by brain systems that aren't so rational, information alone shouldn't be a very effective way to change it, no matter how accurate, clear, and compelling it is. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.3. * The [[w:Thinking,_Fast_and_Slow|conflict between the conscious and nonconscious brain]] explains why we overeat even though we don't want to. Although we try to control our behavior using the conscious parts of our brains, the nonconscious parts work to undermine our good intentions.<br>[...] What circuits are actually in charge of our everyday eating behavior, and how do they work? If we can answer these questions, we can understand why we make destructive food choices in the modern world, and how to stop. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.4. * While a calorie-seeking brain is an asset when calories are hard to come by, it's a liability when we're drowning in food. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.5. * To understand food addiction, we need to examine the ''types'' of foods that trigger addiction-like behavior. As it turns out, people don't become addicted to celery and lentils. What foods are they drawn to instead? The following quote by [Ashley] Gearhardt and [Kelly] Brownell sheds light on the question:<br>''High concentrations of sugar, refined carbohydrates (bread, white rice, pasta made with white flour), fats (butter, lard, margarine), salt, and caffeine are addictive substances and the foods containing these ingredients may be consumed in a manner consistent with addictive behavior. Just like drugs of abuse, these food substances may not be addictive until they are processed, extracted, highly refined and concentrated by modern industrial processes; meanwhile, combinations of these look-like-food substances may greatly enhance their addictive qualities.''<br>Although it's controversial to call these foods addictive, it is fair to say that they provoke [[w:Dopamine|dopamine]] release in the [[w:Striatum#Ventral_striatum|ventral striatum]]. And the more concentrated they are, the more dopamine they release. The more dopamine they release, the more they [[w:Reinforcement|reinforce behavior]], and the more they reinforce behavior, the closer they bring us to addiction. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.54-55. * Drug abuse research suggests that a person's susceptibility to addiction depends not only on how [[w:Reinforcement|reinforcing]] the drug is for him but also on his ability to control his behavior in response to a craving—in other words, his ''[[w:Impulsivity|impulsivity]]''. Impulsivity describes a person's ability—or lack thereof—to suppress or ignore basic urges that are beyond conscious control. It's the opposite of what we commonly call [[w:Self-control|self-control]].<br>[...] As [Leonard] Epstein puts it, "If you find something really rewarding and you have really poor impulse control, you're in a lot of trouble." Epstein coined the term ''reinforcement pathology'' to describe the dangerous combination of high reinforcement sensitivity and high impulsivity. [...] This may identify why some people are more susceptible to food addiction than others, despite the fact that we're all exposed to potentially addictive foods. [...] On the other hand, people who have a high [relative reinforcing value of food] but who aren't impulsive ... aren't at an increased risk of overeating or weight gain. "If you have really good self-control," explains Epstein, you can overcome the reward value, and you can be a foodie: someone who loves food, who's a gourmet cook, but who is lean because they can regulate the amount of food."<br>[...] The same principles of reinforcement and impulsivity should still apply to nonaddicted people. Even if you aren't actually addicted to potato chips, you may still be drawn to eat them when you aren't hungry, and your ability to suppress that urge when they're available will influence how much of them you eat. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.67, 68. * [Leonard] Epstein is quick to point out that there's a third important factor in addition to [relative reinforcing value of food] and impulsivity: the presence of highly rewarding food in your personal environment. [...] The deadliest combination occurs when an impulsive person with a high food reward sensivity lives in an environment that's bursting at the seams with highly rewarding foods. And as we will soon see, the United States qualifies as such an environment. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.68. ==H== * Food is not just calories, it is information; it talks to your DNA and tells it what to do. And junk food speaks a language of disease, inflammation, and addiction. ** [[w:Mark_Hyman_(doctor)|Mark Hyman]], ''The Blood Sugar Solution: The UltraHealthy Program for Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Feeling Great Now'' (2012) ISBN 978-0-316-12737-0 [[File:Varsity_ordering_lines.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked.]] * Sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine. It hijacks your brain chemistry and your taste buds, driving you to eat more and more, even when you know it's killing you. ** Mark Hyman, ''The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet: Activate Your Body's Natural Ability to Burn Fat and Lose Weight Fast'' (2014) ISBN 978-0-316-23002-5 * The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food: What the Heck Should I Eat? The No-nonsense Guide to Achieving Optimal Weight and Lifelong Health.'' (2018) ISBN 978-0-316-33886-8 * Willpower is a myth. You cannot use willpower to override a biological addiction. If your hormones and brain chemistry are hijacked by sugar, biology will win every single time. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food Fix: How to Save Our Health, Our Economy, Our Communities, and Our Planet—One Bite at a Time'' (2020) ISBN 978-0-316-45317-2 ==K== * Modern foods... are designed not to satisfy, but rather to stimulate the reward pathways in the brain, conditioning us to crave more food. ** [[w:David_A._Kessler|David Kessler]], ''The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite'' (2009) ISBN 1-60529-785-2 * The more rewarding the food, the greater the attention we direct toward it, and the more vigorously we pursue it. ** ''The End of Overeating'' * Because this kind of food disappears down our throats so quickly after the first bite, it readily overrides the body's signals that should tell us 'I'm full.' ** ''The End of Overeating'' [[File:Whole_Foods_Market_Massapequa_NY.jpg|thumb|right|Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated.]] * America has become a food fun house... a carnival of delicious, fatty, salty, sugary, and, more to the point, accessible and cheap delights. How could you expect to go to the carnival and not want to go on the rides? ** ''The End of Overeating'' * We live in a world of foods designed to be addictive, driving biological instincts that provoke overeating and the food noise of daily existence. ** ** David Kessler, ''Diet, Drugs, and Dopamine: The New Science of Achieving a Healthy Weight'' (2025) ISBN 1250381274 * "Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated." ** David Kessler. [https://www.npr.org/2009/05/06/103862714/why-do-we-overeat-author-blames-fat-sugar-salt National Public Radio (NPR) interview, 2009. ''"Why do we overeat? Author blames fat, sugar, salt."''] ==L== * Food is beyond a necessity; it's also a commodity, and it has been reformulated to be an addictive substance. ** [[w:Robert_Lustig|Robert Lustig]], ''Fat Chance: Beating the Odds against Sugar, Processed Food, Obesity, and Disease.'' New York: Hudson Street Press. (2012) * If we don't understand what's actually happening to our brains, we become prey to industries that capitalize on our addictions in the name of selling happiness. ** Robert Lustig, ''The Hacking of the American Mind''. Avery (2017) - ISBN 978-1-101-98258-7 * Overeating doesn't make us fat. The process of becoming fat makes us overeat. ** [[w:David_Ludwig_(physician)|David Ludwig]], ''Always Hungry?: Conquer Cravings, Retrain Your Fat Cells, and Lose Weight Permanently''. (2016) * Hunger isn't a passing feeling. It's a primal biological signal that the body needs fuel. Very hard to ignore over the long term. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * In the battle between mind and metabolism, you are destined to lose the battle with your body. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * ''[On the illusion of the "calorie"]'' Forget calories. Focus on quality. Let your body do the rest. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * For breakfast, you could have a bowl of cornflakes with no added sugar, or a bowl of sugar with no added cornflakes. They would taste different but, below the neck, act more or less the same. ** ''Always Hungry?'' ==M== [[File:Junk_Food.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.']] * The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.' ** [[w:Michael_Moss|Michael Moss]], ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us''. Random House (2013) ISBN 978-0812982190, ISBN 0812982193 * They are not just making food; they are designing products with a 'fast-fading flavor' that leaves the brain tricked into wanting more, making moderation nearly impossible. ** ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us'' * Our brains are hardwired to remember where we found calorie-dense foods, and the modern grocery store exploits this evolutionary survival mechanism every single day. ** Michael Moss, ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions''. W. H. Allen & Co. (2021) ISBN 978-0753556344, ISBN 0753556340 * When it comes to the speed at which it hits the brain, processed food makes tobacco look slow. The reward signal is instantaneous, reinforcing the addictive loop before you even finish chewing. ** ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions'' ==O== * Would it not be better if they spent more money on wholesome things like oranges and wholemeal bread or if they even, like the writer of the letter to the New Statesman, saved on fuel and ate their carrots raw? Yes, it would, but the point is that no ordinary human being is ever going to do such a thing. The ordinary human being would sooner starve than live on brown bread and raw carrots. '''And the peculiar evil is this, that the less money you have, the less inclined you feel to spend it on wholesome food.''' A millionaire may enjoy breakfasting off orange juice and Ryvita biscuits; an unemployed man doesn't. Here the tendency of which I spoke at the end of the last chapter comes into play. When you are unemployed, which is to say '''when you are underfed, harassed, bored, and miserable, you don't want to eat dull wholesome food. You want something a little bit 'tasty'. There is always some cheaply pleasant thing to tempt you.''' ** [[w:George_Orwell|George Orwell]], [[w:The_Road_to_Wigan_Pier|The Road to Wigan Pier]] (1937) (from Pt. 1, Ch. 6.) ==P== <small>Susan Peirce Thompson</small> * Food addiction isn't a character flaw or a lack of willpower; it is a predictable biological response to modern engineered foods in a brain that is highly susceptible. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free''. (2017) ISBN 978-1401952532 * Refined sugar and refined flour are not foods — they are highly purified, fast-acting chemicals that hijack the reward pathways of the brain in the exact same manner as drugs of abuse. ** ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free'' * When the brain is flooded with dopamine from hyper-palatable foods, the resulting insulin spikes block leptin from reaching the hypothalamus, leaving the individual in a state of perpetual, biological starvation. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''The Official Bright Line Eating Cookbook: Weight Loss Made Simple''. (2019) ISBN 978-1401956790 * For someone with a highly susceptible food-addict brain, the advice to 'eat everything in moderation' is not just useless; it is biologically impossible and psychologically damaging. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''ReZolve: The Science of Re-Wiring Your Brain to Resolve Weight and Food Issues''. (2025) ISBN 978-1401977719 <small>David Perlmutter</small> * If you cannot control your hunger and appetite, good luck managing your blood chemistry, metabolism, waistline, and, in the bigger picture, the prospect of crippling your brain. ** [[w:David_Perlmutter|David Perlmutter]], ''Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar--Your Brain's Silent Killers'' (2013) * The food we eat goes beyond its macronutrients of carbohydrates, fat and protein. It's information. It interacts with and instructs our genome with every mouthful, changing genetic expression. ** David Perlmutter, ''Brain Maker: The Power of Gut Microbes to Heal and Protect Your Brain–for Life'' (2015) ISBN 978-0316380102 * "Shop the periphery of the grocery store. Anything with an ingredient list is suspect... [Ultra-processed foods] aren’t just empty—they’re addictive, designed to light up your brain’s reward system like a slot machine. ** David_Perlmutter, Clinical Commentary Archive, ''[https://drperlmutter.com/ultra-processed-foods-threaten-brain "Ultra-Processed Foods Threaten Your Brain"]'' (2024) <small>Lulu Hunt Peters</small> * A good way to show [your stomach] that you are master is to fast for at least one day—drink nothing but pure water, hot or cold, as you prefer. ** [[w:Lulu_Hunt_Peters|Lulu Hunt Peters]], ''Diet and Health: With Key to the Calories'' (1918), at [https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/15069/pg15069-images.html#Chapter8 Chapter 8] ''("At last. How to Reduce.")'' <small>Michael Pollan</small> * Cooking for yourself is the only sure way to take back control of your diet from the food scientists and food processors, and to guarantee you're eating real food rather than edible foodlike substances, with their unhealthy oils, high-fructose corn syrup, and surfeit of salt. ** [[w:Michael Pollan|Michael Pollan]], ''[[w:In_Defense_of_Food|In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto]]'' (2008) ISBN 978-1594201455 * You're better off eating the real thing in moderation than binging on 'lite' food products that pack less flavor but more chemical additives. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Food_Rules:_An_Eater%27s_Manual|Food Rules: An Eater's Manual]]'' (2009) ISBN 978-0143116387 * If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't. ** ''Food Rules: An Eater's Manual'' * The most important thing about your diet is who cooks it, a human or a corporation. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Cooked:_A_Natural_History_of_Transformation|Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation]]'' (2013) ISBN 978-1594204210 ==S== <small>Eric Schlosser, with Charles Wilson</small> * The point of this book is to take that strong impulse we all feel - our hunger for sweet, salty, fatty fast foods - and make you think about it. ''Chew On This'' will tell you where fast food comes from, who makes it, what's in it and what happens when you eat it. This is a book about fast food and the world it has made. ** [[w:Eric_Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]] and Charles Wilson, ''Chew on This: Everything You Don't Want to Know about Fast Food.'' (2006), ISBN 13: 978-0-618-59394-1 (Houghton Miffin Harcourt). ISBN-10: 0-141-31844-9 (Penguin Books). Introduction, at page 2. (Page numbers from the 2006 Penguin edition.)<br>The book is an adaptation of an earlier Eric Schlosser book, ''[[w:Fast_Food_Nation|Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal]]'' (2001), aimed at younger readers. [[File:Fast_food_love.jpg|thumb|right|By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.]] * Fast food may look like the sort of food people have always eaten, but it's different. It's not the kind of food you can make in your kitchen from scratch. Fast food is something radically new. Indeed, the food we eat has changed more during the past thirty years than during the previous 30,000 years.<br>[...] For the most part, fast food tastes pretty good. That's one of the main reasons people like to eat it. Fast food has been carefully designed to taste good.<br>[...] Chew on this: people should know what lies beneath the shiny happy surface of every fast food restaurant. They should know what really lurks between those sesame seed buns. As the old saying goes: you are what you eat. ** ''Chew on This'' - Introduction, at pages 4, 5. * At first, man-made flavour additives were mainly used in baked goods, candies and soft drinks. And then, during the mid-fifties, sales of processed food began to soar. By the mid-1960s, the American flavour industry was churning out compounds to supply the taste of Pop Tarts, Hamburger Helper, Bac-O-Bits, Tab, Tango, Filet-O-Fish burgers and literally thousands of other products.<br>[...] By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.<br>[...] Flavours are created by blending many chemicals in tiny amounts. [...] The taste of a food can be changed enormously by tiny changes in the flavouring mix.<br>In order to give a processed food the right taste, a flavourist must always consider the food's 'mouthfeel' - the combination of textures that you notice as you eat it. The mouthfeel can be adjusted through the use of different fats, gums and starches. ** ''Chew on This'' - Chapter 4, at pages 84, 86, 87-88. [[File:Obesity_in_the_US_(4014987104).jpg|thumb|right|The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault.]] * During the past two decades the flavour industry's role in food production has become so influential that many children now like man-made flavours more than the real thing. [...] When flavourists create additives for kids' foods, they usually get rid of the bitterness and increase the sweetness. Children's flavours are often twice as sweet as those made for adults. [...] The use of strong, unusual flavours is now one of the most popular trends in kids' food. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.90. * For years, the US government has argued that the colour and flavour additives widely used in processed foods are safe. That may not always be the case.<br>[...] A number of scientists now worry that eating so many different chemicals in processed foods may not be good for young children. [...] But the safety of eating a large combination of additives at every meal remains unknown. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.92, 93. * Thirty years [on from 1976], about 19,000 government-funded schools - one of every five in the United States - sell branded fast food in the cafeteria.<br>[...] 'I don't think it's healthy,' a fourteen-year-old told a reporter, 'but I eat it because it tastes good.' ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.5, at p.100. * The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault. The emphasis is on changing what the customers do, not what the fast food companies do. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.189. * Nobody is forced to buy fast food. The first step towards real change is by far the easiest. Stop buying it. [...] When you buy something from a company you are, in effect, voting for its policies and its behaviour. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.196, 197. <small>Kay Sheppard</small> * Food addiction is a progressive, chronic, and fatal disease, characterized by an inability to control the intake of specific, trigger substances. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows'' (1989) * For some people, foods can be as addictive as alcohol. Gummy bears and marshmallow chicks can be vicious killers whose effects can lead to depression, irritability and even suicide. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows: Revised & Expanded Edition'', (1993) ISBN 978-1558742765 * Recovery does not begin with calorie counting; it begins with the total elimination of the chemical triggers — refined sugar, flour, and wheat — that drive the physical craving. * Kay Sheppard, ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' (2000) * For the food addict, a single bite of a trigger food is not a treat — it is a chemical relapse that reawakens the physical obsession. ** ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' * Food addiction is characterized by an obsession with food, obsession with weight, and loss of control over the amount eaten. ** Kay Sheppard, [https://michaelprager.com/Kay-Sheppard-video-interview-food-addiction-abstinence-obesity-author-recovery video interview with journalist Michael Prager], 2013. ==T== * The brain chemistry that drives the addict to seek pleasure beyond the point of satiety is similar, whether the user favours Jack Daniels or [[w:Jack_in_the_Box|Jack-in-the-Box]]. ** Vera Tarman, ''Food Junkies: The Truth About Food Addiction'' (2014) * If food addicts could smoke or inject sugar, food addiction would be on the same playing field for researchers as cocaine or heroin. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Today I say am an addict. A respectable addict, of course. Not like the desperate addicts who have cashed in their mortgage... After all, my drug is cheap, the cheapest of all drugs, and therefore the most pernicious... And my drug is everywhere I look: in the drive-through gas station's convenience store, in the supermarket, on the lusciously displayed menu of an exclusive restaurant. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Sugar, for example, shares the same neurochemistry and neural pathways as cocaine. Sweetened chocolate mimics the effects of alcohol and opiates. Flour modulates moods and anaesthetizes pain just as many drugs do. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Obesity, eating disorders, and chemical dependency on food are three distinct and very different diseases -- and demonstrate different behaviors around food. We can categorize the corresponding behaviours of these conditions as problems that occur within the normal eating, emotional eating, and food addiction spectrums.<br>Obesity is entirely a physical problem: a result of eating too many calories while expending too few... Normal eaters simply eat too much... Normal eaters represent a large proportion of the obese. They can regulate their obesity by learning how to change the circumstances that foster poor willpower: better sleep, stress management, improving social skills, and changing a toxic food environment are only a few of the modifications that can be made...<br>Certainly, people suffering from [[w:Eating_disorder|eating disorders]] and [[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]] can also be obese, but their primary condition is not [[w:Obesity|obesity]]. In their cases, obesity is just another symptom of their emotional disturbance or their food addiction. The underlying [[w:Psychological_trauma|emotional trauma]] that drives the bulimic to stuff himself needs to be addressed first before the physical aspects of obesity can be seriously addressed; likewise, the sugar that is propelling the addictive overeater needs to be removed first before tackling any weight issues. ** ''Food Junkies'' * I believe that food addicts need the same type of support offered to alcoholics and drug addicts. They need to detoxify first and then learn about their disease, while dealing with the thoughts and feelings that arise once they are off their drug. Quite often, psychological issues do not become obvious until food addicts have been abstinent for a long period of time. That's why ongoing support is needed to prevent addicts from relapsing in a panicky effort to cope. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Withdrawal occurs once a person [[w:Whole_food|stops eating any addictive food]]. Though abstaining from foods is a contentious subject in the scientific literature, there is no question that it will cause a level of discomfort that often drives addicts back to eating...<br>The good news is that detoxification is not a long process; it only lasts for a relatively short period - between one week and four weeks...<br>Cheating by having a bite here or a spoonful there is also an excellent way to suffer withdrawal in perpetuity. Withdrawal will not end if the substance is constantly being reintroduced back into the brain reward pathway. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Feelings of deprivation, obsessions about food, and anxiety arising from unresolved trauma that was being “medicated” by the addictive foods may appear like spectres that linger, worsening before they get better. ** ''Food Junkies'' * From food addiction to food serenity - freedom tastes great! ** ''Food Junkies'' * It's not food. It's an industrially produced edible substance. ** [[w:Chris_van_Tulleken|Chris van Tulleken]], ''Ultra-Processed People: Why Do We All Eat Stuff That Isn't Food… and Why Can't We Stop?'' (2023) ISBN 978-1529160222<br>[+ ''[https://www.shortform.com/blog/ultra-processed-people-book An article about this book]''] * The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * This is the science behind how UPF affects the human body:<br>• The destruction of the food matrix by physical, chemical and thermal processing means that UPF is, in general, soft. This means you eat it fast, which means you eat far more calories per minute and don’t feel full until long after you’ve finished.<br>• UPF typically has a very high calorie density because it’s dry, and high in fat and sugar and low in fibre, so you get more calories per mouthful.<br>• It displaces diverse whole foods from the diet, especially among low-income groups. And UPF itself is often micronutrient-deficient, which may also contribute to excess consumption.<br> • The mismatch between the taste signals from the mouth and the nutrition content in some UPF alters metabolism and appetite in ways that we are only beginning to understand, but that seem to drive excess consumption.<br>• UPF is addictive, meaning that for some people binges are unavoidable.<br>• The emulsifiers, preservatives, modified starches and other additives damage the microbiome, which could allow inflammatory bacteria to flourish and cause the gut to leak.<br>• The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought, which leads to more snacking, less chewing, faster eating, increased consumption, and tooth decay.<br>• The additives and physical processing mean that UPF affects our [[w:Satiety|satiety system]] directly. Other additives may affect brain and endocrine function, and plastics from the packaging might affect fertility.<br>• The production methods used to make UPF require expensive subsidy and drive environmental destruction, carbon emissions and plastic pollution, which harm us all. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * The signals that tell you to ‘stop eating’ haven’t evolved to handle food this soft and easily digested, so soft that it’s essentially pre-chewed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * “So dominant is soy as industrial animal feed that the average person in the UK or Europe consumes approximately 61kg of soy per year, largely in the form of animal products such as chicken, pork, salmon, cheese, milk and eggs. Only 20–30 per cent of imported soy is ‘certified sustainable’ (and we have already discussed how little that means). So, if you live in the UK, there is a tennis court of land producing soy in the tropics just for you, and most of it comes from places like Brazil and Argentina where ecosystems that affect global climate are being destroyed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * It’s soft and typically calorie dense, so you eat it at a rate that your body can’t keep up with when it comes to feeling full. Things like protein isolates, refined oils and modified carbohydrates are absorbed so quickly they may not even reach the part of the gut that sends the fullness signal to the brain. They’re not things you have evolved to eat. Some of the additives are well known to cause harm – be particularly aware of emulsifiers and artificial sweeteners. Emulsifiers can thin the mucus lining of the gut, allowing faecal bacteria to leak into the blood stream and inflaming your whole body. The non-nutritive sweeteners that tell your body sugar is coming but don’t supply any calories seem to cause metabolic stress and changes to the microbiome. Other additives that affect the microbiome are maltodextrins, modified starches and lots of the gums and thickeners. Flavour enhancers (glutamate, guanylate, inosinate and ribonucleotides on ingredient lists) drive excess consumption. Again, they tell your body a lie about the nutritional content of the food you’re eating when they’re added out of context. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * In 2022, a study published in the journal ''Neurology'' looked at data from over 72,000 people. Increasing intake of UPF by 10 per cent was associated with a 25 per cent increase in the risk of dementia and a 14 per cent increase in the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * There is an apparently established fact that food isn't addictive... but here's the thing; it's not 'real' food that's addictive, it's UPF, otherwise known as these 'industrially produced edible substances'..." ** Chris van Tulleken, interviewed in ''i News'', 2023. ''"How I reprogrammed my brain to quit ultra-processed food."'' * Food addiction isn't a recognised disorder by the World Health Organisation or in the manual of psychiatric illness... But many clinicians report they have patients who experience symptoms of food addiction [where people] continue to eat [certain] foods despite trying to stop. ** Chris van Tulleken, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/upf_food_cravings BBC Food commentary, 2023], ''"There's a reason we crave ultra-processed food."'' ==W== * According to [[w:David A. Kessler|David Kessler]], the former FDA commissioner, the food industry is not just aiming to satisfy its customers. ... The industry, including the growers, concocters, testers, packagers, marketers, distributors, and retailers, is investing in ''hyperstimulating'' foods—creations with the power to keep us eating. There are scientists hard at work right now devising ways to get you to eat more than you naturally desire. ** [[w:Wendy Wood (psychologist)|Wendy Wood]], {{cite book|url=https://www.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ| isbn=9781250159083 | title=Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick | date=October 2019 | publisher=Farrar, Straus and Giroux }} [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=hyperstimulating#v=snippet&q=former%20fda%20commissioner&f=false 1st sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=keep+us+eating#v=snippet&q=keep%20us%20eating&f=false 2nd sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=scientists+hard+at+work#v=snippet&q=scientists%20hard%20at%20work&f=false 3rd sentence] * For food addicts, 'abstinence first, absolutely,' is the key to living and a good life. ** Philip Werdell, cited in [https://michaelprager.com/werdell_food_addiction_research_Acorn clinical interview by Michael Prager], "Phil Werdell: 'Abstinence first, absolutely.'" (2010) * This is the key to those who are dually diagnosed with anorexia and food addiction: they need to surrender control of both their obsession with not 'getting fat' and their specific food drugs. They need to learn to not restrict and to not overeat. ** Philip Werdell, SHiFT Recovery Clinical Paper, ''"Eating Disorders & Food Addiction"'' (2014) * Food addiction begins with physical craving. Physical craving distorts the hunger instinct for some people, making these people want more food than they need. This physical craving is a biochemical brain change caused by extra sugar or other hyper-processed foods. ** Philip Werdell, ''Food Addiction Denial: False Information and Irrational Thinking'', (2022) ISBN 978-1667853529 ==Y== [[File:Würfelzucker_--_2018_--_3564.jpg|thumb|right|To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull.]] * We have evolved a craving for sweet foods because we evolved in an environment where sweetness meant fruit, and fruit meant safety and vitamins. Now we can separate sweetness from nutrition, satisfying our palates is no longer a guarantee that we are satisfying our nutritional needs. ** [[w:John_Yudkin|John Yudkin]], ''Pure, White, and Deadly: How Sugar Is Killing Us and What We Can Do to Stop It'' (1972) ISBN 978-0-7067-0056-5 * To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' * If only a small fraction of what is already known about the effects of sugar were to be revealed about any other material used as a food additive, that material would swiftly be banned. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' == On ''[[w:Food_noise|food noise]]'' (a.k.a. food-related intrusive thoughts ("FRITs")) == * Food noise [is] 'persistent, intrusive thoughts about food that are disruptive to daily life and make healthy behaviors difficult.' ** Dr. Hanim Diktas, PhD, in ''Appetite'' (2025) [[File:Hungry_2683234.svg|thumb|right|]] * In plain language, our brains are experts at making us desire the foods and beverages we see, smell, and hear (e.g., the sound of bacon sizzling in a skillet). These motivational responses that arise from reactivity to food cues are consciously experienced as food-related cognitions and food cravings, defined as intense desires or urges to consume food. These responses can manifest regardless of physiological hunger levels and ultimately lead to increased food-seeking and consumption behaviors.<br>[...] Individual differences in reactivity to food cues might help to partially explain why some people are more susceptible than others to overeating and developing obesity when living in similar environments. For example, heightened cue reactivity, which is often assessed as self-reported preoccupation with food or measured using changes in brain response to food cues, has been observed in overweight individuals and those living with a binge-eating disorder. These data seem to indicate that similar levels of exposure to food cues might lead to different levels of food noise experienced by individuals, which manifest as rumination and obsessive preoccupation with food (i.e., FRITs) and can lead to overeating and maladaptive eating behaviors.<br>[...] our conceptual model considers two categories of potential cues: external food cues, which arise from the physical and social environment (e.g., seeing and smelling palatable foods), and internal food cues, such as those that might arise from homeostatic hunger signals (e.g., noticing that your stomach is growling) and thoughts about food and eating. ** 2023 paper by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/15/22/4809 What Is Food Noise? A Conceptual Model of Food Cue Reactivity]'' [[File:My_Mind_and_My_Thoughts_by_kartick_dutta.jpg|thumb|right|]] * This study aimed to examine the top videos on TikTok under the hashtag “FoodNoise” and explore what content creators discuss around food noise. ** Article published 29 April 2026 by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.nature.com/articles/s41387-026-00423-z “And just like that, quiet”: a content analysis of TikTok videos on food noise]'' * The struggle with obesity is not simple as a battle of willpower. The disease of obesity is complex and has a much deeper brain-gut relation than thought. The hypothalamus regulates adipocyte mass by integrating hormonal and neural signals from the gut and adipose tissue to maintain energy homeostasis. In obesity, this homeostasis becomes dysregulated, leading to persistent hunger and intrusive thoughts about eating that reflect the brain's defended higher adipocyte mass. These thoughts tend to be persistent, undesirable, or distressing in a noisy pattern patients call “food noise”. ** Abdulhameed Alhamzi, Carel W. le Roux, February 2026 - [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.70161 The Voice of a Disease: Why Food Noise Can No Longer Be Ignored!] * The basic premise of this book is that some foods are '''"intense"''' while others are '''"xtense.'''"<br>'''"Xtense" foods''' are natural foods that our bodies are able to have a reasonable and sane relationship with. We eat them until we are full and then we lose interest in them. We don't long for them or fantasise about them or try to give them up or try to limit our intake only to crack and eat them till we feel sick. Did you ever binge out on a head of cabbage followed by some beetroots and turnip mash? Nope. Thought not. Xtense foods just don't have that kind of effect. [[File:Food_Addiction_(286843160).jpg|thumb|right|]]<br>'''"Intense" foods''' however are the "crack cocaine" of the food world. Our bodies cannot deal with them. They affect our metabolism and our brain functioning so badly that we cannot apply the mealy-mouthed logic of the [[w:Food_pyramid_(nutrition)|food pyramid]] and only have them in moderation. If you've ever eaten a family bar of chocolate, or a whole packet of biscuits, or six doughnuts that were on special offer in the supermarket, all by yourself, then this is you. You have a problem with "intense" foods. I actually don't think every human being gets caught in this "intense" food trap, but if you're one of the affected, you'll know who you are.<br>Way back when I first realised I had a problem with food I longed to instead have a problem with cigarettes or even drugs or bad company because I could give them up completely, which, I told myself, would be far easier than having a food problem, as food could never be given up completely. '''This book, by categorising foods into "xtense" and "intense" allows you to do exactly that. If it's "intense", give it up. Forever.'''<br>The author doesn't have an easy index of "intense" and "xtense" foods at the back but rudimentary intelligence will allow you to figure them out yourself. Plus, I do think you have to apply your own life experience to her story and know what works for you. [...]<br> ** From a review filed on Amazon by "Northness" dated 31 March 2012, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. * I read ''Xtensity'' in one sitting and found it both fun and an eye opener. Disguised as a light novel à la Bridget Jones (if Bridget had graduated from Oxford...), '''it is actually a serious reflection on the causes of the current obesity epidemic and the futility of restricted calorie diets. The premise is as follows: evolution has conditioned us to prefer what the author calls "intense" foods, (basically sugar, salt and fat) and the food industry has exploited this evolutionary trait by incessantly peddling an ever increasing variety of attractive, cheap and readily available foods that make us fat. At the same time, our modern day obsession with thinness drives us towards the most absurd diets. However, low calorie diets do not work because evolution has also conditioned us to react to lower food intake as if fighting an impending famine: Feeling hungry triggers survival mechanisms in our body that automatically lower our energy output and produce even more fat cells. The solution is to avoid "intense" foods as much as possible and replace them with "Xtense" healthy nutritious foods. It's not easy to do, but it works.''' Goodbye Bridget Jones and Hello [[w:Arthur_De_Vany#Evolutionary_fitness|Art de Vany]]! ** From a review filed on Amazon by "MCR" dated 2 April 2014, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. == See also == * [[Addiction]] * [[Binge eating]] * [[Food]] * [[Overeating]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * Some salt/sugar/fat quotes from Michael Moss, ''"Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us"'', on [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/21520265-salt-sugar-fat-how-the-food-giants-hooked-us goodreads.com] * Discussion of [https://www.westonaprice.org/book-reviews/the-hacking-of-the-american-mind-by-dr-robert-h-lustig/#gsc.tab=0 ''"The Hacking of the American Mind: The Science Behind the Corporate Takeover of Our Bodies and Brains"''] by Dr Robert H. Lustig [[Category:Psychology]] [[Category:Eating disorders]] 5wv8qb7ayxx2h6fwnm4f3rghxwoy6zp 3955132 3955124 2026-06-21T19:23:46Z WQ-FA-2026 3343520 /* G */ added a photo, captioned 3955132 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:USA_Obesity_2024.svg|thumb|right|]] A '''[[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]]''' (or eating addiction) is any behavioural addiction characterized primarily by the compulsive consumption of palatable and hyperpalatable food items, and potentially also sugar-sweetened beverages. Such foods often have high sugar, fat, and salt contents, and markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals. Those with eating addictions often overconsume such foods despite the adverse consequences (such as excess weight gain, diabetes, and heart disease) associated with their overconsumption. == Quotes == __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==A== <small>Peter Attia, Bill Gifford</small> * [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet#Ketogenic_die|Ketogenic diet]] means restricting carbohydrates to such an extent that the body begins metabolizing fat into "ketone bodies" that the muscles and brain can utilize as fuel. ** [[w:Peter_Attia|Peter Attia]] and Bill Gifford, ''[[w:Outlive:_The_Science_and_Art_of_Longevity|Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity]]'' (2023) * Evolution wants us to get fat when nutrients are abundant: the more energy we could store, in our ancestral past, the greater our chances of survival and successful reproduction. We needed to be able to endure periods of time without much food, and natural selection obliged, endowing us with genes that helped us conserve and store energy in the form of fat. That enabled our distant ancestors to survive periods of famine, cold climates, and physiologic stressors such as illness and pregnancy. But these genes have proved less advantageous in our present environment, where many people in the developed world have access to almost unlimited calories. ** ''Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity'' * In the late 1970s, the average American adult male weighed 173 pounds. Now the average American man tips the scale at nearly 200 pounds. ** ''Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity'' <small>Nicole Avena</small> * Heavy consumption of highly processed foods can alter dopamine and opioid neurotransmission, creating a cycle of bingeing and withdrawal. ** Nicole M. Avena, Pedro Rada, and Bartley G. Hoebel. ''Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake.'' Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews (2008) [[File:Walmart_Wenatchee.jpg|thumb|right|We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates.]] * The modern food environment acts as a constant cue, activating the reward center of the brain before the food even touches your tongue. ** Nicole M. Avena and John Talbott, ''Why Diets Fail: Because You're Addicted to Sugar'' (2014) ISBN 978-1451699708 * Our research shows that sugar can stimulate the brain's reward system in a manner similar to drugs of abuse, leading to chemical changes that mirror addiction. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''What to Eat When You're Pregnant'' (2015) ISBN 978-1607746737 * Food addiction is not a metaphor; it is a clinical reality driven by biological changes in the brain's survival circuitry. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless: A 7-Step Plan to Uncover Hidden Sugars, Curb Your Cravings, and Conquer Your Addiction'' (2023) ISBN 978-1401972172 * We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless'' (2023) ==B== [[File:William_Banting.jpg|thumb|right|''My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, [...] that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority.''<br>~ William Banting (1796-1878)]] <small>William Banting</small> * The great charm and comfort of the system is, that its effects are palpable within a week of trial, which creates a natural stimulus to persevere for a few weeks more, when the fact becomes established beyond question. ** [[w:William_Banting|William Banting]] (1796-1878), [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence ''Letter on Corpulence, Addressed to the Public'' (1864)], plus later Addenda.<br>An early historical example (1864) of '''successfully following a [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet|low-carbohydrate diet]]''' by changing what he ate, after much earlier frustration clarifying the underlying (previously medically unrecognised) problem in his particular case; thereby reducing his weight from 202 pounds to 150 pounds. Then recommending this remedial course of action to other "sufferers of corpulence". * My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, and whether it be swallowed in that form or generated in the stomach, that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Addenda First Addendum]'' to his (public) 1864 letter. * I shall always observe a careful watch upon myself to discover the effect, and act accordingly, so that, if I choose to spend a day or two with [[w:Rich_man_and_Lazarus|Dives]], so to speak, I must not forget to devote the next to Lazarus. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Concluding_addenda Second Addendum]'' to his 1864 letter. ''[i.e., that partaking of a "fattening dietary [item] occasionally" needs ideally to be tempered by a subsequent bout of compensatorily restrictive eating.]'' * My impression from the experiments I have tried on myself of late is, that saccharine matter is the great moving cause of fatty corpulence. I know that it produces in my individual case increased weight and a large amount of flatulence, and believe, that not only sugar, but all elements tending to create saccharine matter in the process of digestion, should be avoided. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' * One material point I should be glad to impress on my corpulent readers—it is, to get accurately weighed at starting upon the fresh system, and continue to do so weekly or monthly, for the change will be so truly palpable by this course of examination, that it will arm them with perfect confidence in the merit and ultimate success of the plan. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' <small>Benjamin Bikman</small> * If your [fasting] [[w:Insulin|insulin]] levels are on the low end (lower than around 6 microunits/milliliter or 41 picomoles/liter), it's a safe assumption that you're doing quite well and your insulin sensitivity is strong. You are either already adhering to smart lifestyle choices or you are young enough to get away with bad choices for now. If your insulin levels are moderately elevated (7-17 microunits/milliliter or 48 to 118 picomoles/liter), you should start making changes, particularly with the food you eat and how frequently you're eating. In the event your insulin is high (greater than 18 microunits/milliliter or 125 per picomoles/liter), you need to make changes today. ** Benjamin Bikman, ''Why We Get Sick: The Hidden Epidemic at the Root of Most Chronic Disease―and How to Fight It'' (2020) <small>Kelly D. Brownell</small> [[File:SAKURAKO_-_Are_you_Junk_Food_lover%3F_(6447206019).jpg|thumb|right|We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits.]] * We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits with toy giveaways and in-school promotions.. ** [[w:Kelly_D._Brownell|Kelly D. Brownell]], ''Food Fight: The Inside Story of the Food Industry, America's Obesity Crisis, and What We Can Do About It'' (2004) ISBN 978-0071438728 * Certain constituents of food products, added sugar in particular, may hijack the brain and override human will, judgement and personal responsibility, and in so doing create a public health menace. ** Kelly D. Brownell and Mark Gold, ''Food Addiction: A Comprehensive Handbook''. (2012) ISBN 978-0199738168 * As a culture, we've become upset by the tobacco companies advertising to children, but we sit idly by while the food companies do the very same thing. And we could make a claim that the toll taken on the public health by a poor diet rivals that taken by tobacco. ** Kelly D. Brownell. Cited in ''The New York Times Magazine'', 2013. ''[https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/the-extraordinary-science-of-addictive-junk-food.html "The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food."]'' * Portion sizes and the availability of highly processed, highly caloric food have grown dramatically... How far are you from a doughnut? ** Kelly D. Brownell. Center for Science in the Public Interest, [https://www.cspi.org/article/why-our-toxic-food-environment-matters interview, 2022]. ''"Why our toxic food environment matters."'' ==C== * Our real problem is our eating habits. What we need to change is our eating habits. The real problem is that we've been brainwashed into adopting stupid eating habits. ** [[w:Allen_Carr|Allen Carr]], ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' (1997) - at p.20, 21. * You aren't going on a diet. You are merely changing your eating habits. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.67. * Although avoiding starvation is the ultimate purpose of eating, isn't it true that each meal is prompted by a more immediate reason, such as 'I'm in the habit of eating three meals a day,' or 'I enjoy eating,' or 'Because I feel hungry, bored, nervous or miserable,' or 'Because I got the whiff of something that smelt good,' or, simply, 'The food was there and I couldn't resist it.'<br>We might eat for any one of these reasons or all of them. It's rather confusing, isn't it? And not surprising that we become overweight. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.72. * Mother Nature's only purpose in making us want to eat is that we survive. [...] The sole purpose of eating is to provide fuel and maintenance materials.<br>[But] aren't most of us in the habit of having a certain volume of food served up on our plates three times a day and then attempting to eat that volume regardless of the energy we propose to burn?<br>The point is: our bodies aren't designed to handle that surplus. [... ] Instead, we are obliged to store it in the form of unsightly bulges around our midriffs and elsewhere, and that's why we become overweight and obese.<br>We can now concentrate all of our attention on one aspect and one aspect alone: Our intake. [...] Provided the intake is correct the rest takes care of itself. [...] [So] tamper with... the type and quantity of food that you eat. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.73, 74, 75, 76 * [104] If you stick to the principle of eating when you are hungry and stopping when you have satisfied that hunger, you will not only enjoy every meal, but you will have no weight problems. However, I would emphasize that I said stop eating when you have satisfied your hunger, and not your gluttony. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.104 * ''How to lose weight and keep it off''<br>+ The most important thing is to change your mentality and approach rather than simply changing what you eat.<br>+ Correcting the misconceptions that keep you trapped eating the wrong foods that cause you to not only gain weight but also feel tired, miserable and unfit is essential.<br>+ Get your head right and it’s easy to lose weight (and keep it off).<br>As long as you change your thinking and see the food that has made you overweight for what it is; poisonous, toxic, and addictive junk that’s made you ill, you’ll find it easy. ** Some points from the [https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-weight-loss/how-do-i-lose-weight-and-keep-it-off allencarr.com website] ==F== <small>'''Dr Jason Fung'''</small> * The basics of good nutrition can be summarized in these simple rules. Eat whole, unprocessed foods. Avoid sugar. Avoid refined grains. Eat a diet high in natural fats. Balance feeding with [[w:Fasting|fasting]]. ** [[w:Jason_Fung|Jason Fung]], ''The Complete Guide to Fasting: Heal Your Body Through Intermittent, Alternate-Day, and Extended Fasting'' (2016) [[File:Quote_on_Fasting_from_Rumi.jpg|thumb|right|<br>Balance feeding with fasting.<br><br>We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast.]] * We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * [In cases where] too much insulin causes obesity, then it becomes clear we need to lower insulin levels. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * Caloric reduction and portion-control strategies only make you tired and hungry. Worst of all...''you regain all the weight you have lost.'' I know it. You know it.<br>[...] Losing weight triggers two important responses. First, total energy expenditure is immediately and indefinitely reduced in order to conserve the available energy. Second, hormonal hunger signaling is immediately and indefinitely amplified in an effort to acquire more food. Weight loss results in increased hunger and decreased metabolism. This evolutionary survival strategy has a single purpose: ''to make us regain the lost weight''.<br>[...] Eating less does not result in lasting weight loss. It. Just. Does. Not. Work. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss (2016)'' - Part 2, at Chapter 3, p.41, 45, 47. * Obesity is a hormonal disorder of fat regulation. Insulin is the major hormone that drives weight gain, so the rational therapy is to ''lower insulin levels''. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code'' - Part 6, at Chapter 19, p.219. * Reduce your consumption of added sugars. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.219. * Just don't snack<br> The healthy snack is one of the greatest weight-loss deceptions. The myth that ‘grazing is healthy’ has attained legendary status. If we were meant to ‘graze’, we would be cows. Grazing is the direct opposite of virtually all food traditions. Even as recently as the 1960s, most people still ate just three meals per day. Constant stimulation of insulin eventually leads to insulin resistance.<br>[...] Stop eating all the time.<br>[...] Are snacks necessary? No.<br>[...] There's a simple answer to the question of what to eat at snack time. Nothing. Don't eat snacks. Period. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.222, 223. * Eat whole, unprocessed foods at all meals. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.225. * Reduce your consumption of refined grains. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.228. [[File:Quote_From_Plato_About_Fasting.jpg|thumb|right|<br>There is one more piece to the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago.<br><br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.]] * The last piece of the puzzle<br>All diets work in the short term. But we've been ignoring the long-term problem of insulin resistance. There is one more piece of the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago. A practice that has been enshrined in the nutritional lore of virtually every population on earth. A tradition rapidly becoming extinct.<br>Two major factors maintain our insulin at a high level. The first is the foods that we eat - which are what we usually change when we go on a diet. But we fail to address the other factor: the long-term problem of insulin resistance. This problem is one of meal timing.<br>To succeed, we must break the insulin-resistance cycle. But how?<br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.<br>When we talk about fasting to break insulin resistance and lose weight, we are talking about intermittent fasts of twenty-four to thirty-six hours.<br>The remainder of this chapter will be devoted to addressing the health concerns around fasting - which, the research shows us, is a beneficial practice. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19 at p.233, 234. Ch.20 at p.235, 236. * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/@DrJasonFung <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung - YouTube Channel]'''</small><br> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqZsS03dlPk <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung: Beginner's Guide to Intermittent Fasting] (2020) (10 mins)'''</small> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ8ihAntvbI <u>On YouTube</u>: "Dr. Jason Fung: The Best Fasting Method for Visceral Fat and Insulin Resistance has Been Discovered"] (2026) (2h 12 mins)'''</small> ==G== <small>Ashley Gearhardt</small> [[File:Junk_Food_Addiction_(286918378).jpg|thumb|right|"People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice. They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly."<br><br>"These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances."]] * Right now, we're kind of like, 'just eat these foods in moderation.' And for the people for whom consumption of these foods has become compulsive, it's like telling people with alcohol use disorder to just find a way to drink in moderation. ** Ashley Gearhardt, National Institutes of Health [https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2024/02/dr-ashley-gearhardt-addiction-ultra-processed-foods (NIH) interview, 2024]. ''"Dr. Ashley Gearhardt on Addiction and Ultra-Processed Foods."'' * “People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice,” said lead author University of Michigan professor of psychology Ashley Gearhardt, Ph.D. “They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly.” ** Quoted on the [https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-outlook/202403/addicted-to-food ''Psychology Today''] website. * These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances. ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * The younger you are when you're exposed to an addictive substance, the more likely you are to have problems... Kids are being exposed to this and aggressively marketed to... it's setting them up where this is one of the major sources of reward, sources of ways to cope. ** ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * What has happened in modern times is that previously healthy [[w:whole foods|whole foods]] have been largely replaced by [[w:Ultra-processed_food|ultra-processed foods]], which are high in pure sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, salt, and the wrong types of fats.<br>The reasons that our bodies crave these foods is because they are loaded with ingredients that tap into the pleasure centers in our brain, the so-called dopamine reward pathway, which is the same pathway that street drugs like cocaine tap into. ** [https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2024/09/why-do-we-crave-junk-food-diet-psychology The Harvard Gazette.] ''"Why we crave junk food—and how to cultivate healthier eating habits."'' * ''Mills'': "What's the difference between being addicted to food and just liking to indulge in treats more than you should? How can you tell if someone meets the threshold for addiction?"<br>''Gearhardt'': "...I took our diagnostic criteria that we have in the [[w:Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders|DSM]] to try and dissociate between social drinkers and somebody who's actually addicted to alcohol. And I've applied that to the intake of these really highly processed foods with unnatural levels of refined carbohydrates and fats. And so, the hallmarks of addiction that I'm looking for are a loss of control over intake.<br>[...] Having more of a sense of your cues and your reactions can start to give you some of your power back.<br>[...] Right now, we're at where I see we've been with a lot of addictions in the past, which is that it's just a focus on willpower: 'You just have to try a little harder, calories in calories out.' And what it's ignoring is that there's a trillion dollar industry that is using its research and development budget to specifically design these highly processed foods to trigger unnaturally intense levels of reward in your brain in a way that makes it hard to manage. And that if this is triggering this addictive compulsive pull, it's not just an adult choice, but really the result of a toxic environment really pushing a risky food substance that we're not well informed about. And so, that seems to actually be somewhat helpful in reducing stigma and reducing the belief that people just aren't trying hard enough and it's just a matter of willpower.<br>[...] It's clearly not all foods. It's clearly this subset of highly processed foods that are unnatural, highly refined, highly rewarding products. And that's what people get hooked on. [...] People are really struggling to get a handle on their relationship with these foods, even in the face of really stark consequences." ** [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association.] ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food? With Ashley Gearhardt, PhD."'' * "And some of the behaviors that we see that people report is that they really struggle to maintain their control once they start eating some of these foods. [...] There's a tendency that even if you have some pretty significant negative consequences, health consequences, emotional consequences-you keep returning to that same dietary pattern. [...] Because the foods themselves seem to have kind of taken an oversized view in their world. They really start kind [of] driving their eating behavior and sometimes driving their entire life.<br>[...] From a public health perspective, the biggest concern is if these foods have enough of an addictive pull, they trigger enough of a response that you really struggle to eat in moderation. That says, on a broad scale, people are struggling with their relationship with these foods in a way that increases health-related problems." ** [https://wfpc.sanford.duke.edu/podcasts/ashley-gearhardt-food-addiction Duke University, ''World Food Policy Center''] ''"Ashley Gearhardt on Food Addiction and You… Yes, You."'' * We just blame it on the individual for a while and say 'oh, you know, just smoke in moderation, drink in moderation' – and eventually we get to a point where we understand the levers that the industry can pull to create products that can really hook people. ** Ashley Gearhardt, University of Michigan [https://lsa.umich.edu/psych/news-events/all-news/faculty-news/ultra-processed-foods-should-be-treated-more-like-cigarettes-tha.html clinical commentary, 2026]. ''"Ultra-processed foods should be treated more like cigarettes than food."'' <small>Stephan J. Guyenet</small> * In 1980, the US Department of Health and Human Services and the US Department of Agriculture released a document titled [https://www.dietaryguidelines.gov/sites/default/files/2019-05/1980%20DGA.pdf Dietary Guidelines for Americans].<br>[...] If you followed the ''Guidelines'' faithfully, you would end up eating a diet that's not very different from what most nutrition professionals recommend today: primarily whole grains, beans, potatoes, vegetables, fruits, nuts, lean meat, seafood, and dairy, with little added fat, sugar, or highly processed foods.<br>[...] Seems pretty reasonable. Yet you know what happened next: We got fatter. Between 1980 and today, the US obesity rate more than doubled.<br>[...] Against the advice of the ''Guidelines'', our intake of soda, refined sugar, refined starch, added fats, and highly processed food skyrocketed, along with our calorie intake. ** Stephan J. Guyenet, ''[[w:The_Hungry_Brain|The Hungry Brain: Outsmarting the Instincts That Make Us Overeat]]'' (2017) ISBN 1-250-08119-X - Introduction, at p.1, 2, 3. [Page numbers are from the 2017 Vermilion edition.] * Information alone isn't always an effective way to change behavior.<br>[...] If our everyday eating behavior is primarily guided by brain systems that aren't so rational, information alone shouldn't be a very effective way to change it, no matter how accurate, clear, and compelling it is. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.3. * The [[w:Thinking,_Fast_and_Slow|conflict between the conscious and nonconscious brain]] explains why we overeat even though we don't want to. Although we try to control our behavior using the conscious parts of our brains, the nonconscious parts work to undermine our good intentions.<br>[...] What circuits are actually in charge of our everyday eating behavior, and how do they work? If we can answer these questions, we can understand why we make destructive food choices in the modern world, and how to stop. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.4. * While a calorie-seeking brain is an asset when calories are hard to come by, it's a liability when we're drowning in food. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.5. * To understand food addiction, we need to examine the ''types'' of foods that trigger addiction-like behavior. As it turns out, people don't become addicted to celery and lentils. What foods are they drawn to instead? The following quote by [Ashley] Gearhardt and [Kelly] Brownell sheds light on the question:<br>''High concentrations of sugar, refined carbohydrates (bread, white rice, pasta made with white flour), fats (butter, lard, margarine), salt, and caffeine are addictive substances and the foods containing these ingredients may be consumed in a manner consistent with addictive behavior. Just like drugs of abuse, these food substances may not be addictive until they are processed, extracted, highly refined and concentrated by modern industrial processes; meanwhile, combinations of these look-like-food substances may greatly enhance their addictive qualities.''<br>Although it's controversial to call these foods addictive, it is fair to say that they provoke [[w:Dopamine|dopamine]] release in the [[w:Striatum#Ventral_striatum|ventral striatum]]. And the more concentrated they are, the more dopamine they release. The more dopamine they release, the more they [[w:Reinforcement|reinforce behavior]], and the more they reinforce behavior, the closer they bring us to addiction. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.54-55. [[File:Wanita_buncit.jpg|thumb|right|"If you find something really rewarding and you have really poor impulse control, you're in a lot of trouble."<br><br>~ Leonard Epstein]] * Drug abuse research suggests that a person's susceptibility to addiction depends not only on how [[w:Reinforcement|reinforcing]] the drug is for him but also on his ability to control his behavior in response to a craving—in other words, his ''[[w:Impulsivity|impulsivity]]''. Impulsivity describes a person's ability—or lack thereof—to suppress or ignore basic urges that are beyond conscious control. It's the opposite of what we commonly call [[w:Self-control|self-control]].<br>[...] As [Leonard] Epstein puts it, "If you find something really rewarding and you have really poor impulse control, you're in a lot of trouble." Epstein coined the term ''reinforcement pathology'' to describe the dangerous combination of high reinforcement sensitivity and high impulsivity. [...] This may identify why some people are more susceptible to food addiction than others, despite the fact that we're all exposed to potentially addictive foods. [...] On the other hand, people who have a high [relative reinforcing value of food] but who aren't impulsive ... aren't at an increased risk of overeating or weight gain. "If you have really good self-control," explains Epstein, you can overcome the reward value, and you can be a foodie: someone who loves food, who's a gourmet cook, but who is lean because they can regulate the amount of food."<br>[...] The same principles of reinforcement and impulsivity should still apply to nonaddicted people. Even if you aren't actually addicted to potato chips, you may still be drawn to eat them when you aren't hungry, and your ability to suppress that urge when they're available will influence how much of them you eat. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.67, 68. * [Leonard] Epstein is quick to point out that there's a third important factor in addition to [relative reinforcing value of food] and impulsivity: the presence of highly rewarding food in your personal environment. [...] The deadliest combination occurs when an impulsive person with a high food reward sensivity lives in an environment that's bursting at the seams with highly rewarding foods. And as we will soon see, the United States qualifies as such an environment. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.68. ==H== * Food is not just calories, it is information; it talks to your DNA and tells it what to do. And junk food speaks a language of disease, inflammation, and addiction. ** [[w:Mark_Hyman_(doctor)|Mark Hyman]], ''The Blood Sugar Solution: The UltraHealthy Program for Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Feeling Great Now'' (2012) ISBN 978-0-316-12737-0 [[File:Varsity_ordering_lines.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked.]] * Sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine. It hijacks your brain chemistry and your taste buds, driving you to eat more and more, even when you know it's killing you. ** Mark Hyman, ''The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet: Activate Your Body's Natural Ability to Burn Fat and Lose Weight Fast'' (2014) ISBN 978-0-316-23002-5 * The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food: What the Heck Should I Eat? The No-nonsense Guide to Achieving Optimal Weight and Lifelong Health.'' (2018) ISBN 978-0-316-33886-8 * Willpower is a myth. You cannot use willpower to override a biological addiction. If your hormones and brain chemistry are hijacked by sugar, biology will win every single time. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food Fix: How to Save Our Health, Our Economy, Our Communities, and Our Planet—One Bite at a Time'' (2020) ISBN 978-0-316-45317-2 ==K== * Modern foods... are designed not to satisfy, but rather to stimulate the reward pathways in the brain, conditioning us to crave more food. ** [[w:David_A._Kessler|David Kessler]], ''The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite'' (2009) ISBN 1-60529-785-2 * The more rewarding the food, the greater the attention we direct toward it, and the more vigorously we pursue it. ** ''The End of Overeating'' * Because this kind of food disappears down our throats so quickly after the first bite, it readily overrides the body's signals that should tell us 'I'm full.' ** ''The End of Overeating'' [[File:Whole_Foods_Market_Massapequa_NY.jpg|thumb|right|Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated.]] * America has become a food fun house... a carnival of delicious, fatty, salty, sugary, and, more to the point, accessible and cheap delights. How could you expect to go to the carnival and not want to go on the rides? ** ''The End of Overeating'' * We live in a world of foods designed to be addictive, driving biological instincts that provoke overeating and the food noise of daily existence. ** ** David Kessler, ''Diet, Drugs, and Dopamine: The New Science of Achieving a Healthy Weight'' (2025) ISBN 1250381274 * "Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated." ** David Kessler. [https://www.npr.org/2009/05/06/103862714/why-do-we-overeat-author-blames-fat-sugar-salt National Public Radio (NPR) interview, 2009. ''"Why do we overeat? Author blames fat, sugar, salt."''] ==L== * Food is beyond a necessity; it's also a commodity, and it has been reformulated to be an addictive substance. ** [[w:Robert_Lustig|Robert Lustig]], ''Fat Chance: Beating the Odds against Sugar, Processed Food, Obesity, and Disease.'' New York: Hudson Street Press. (2012) * If we don't understand what's actually happening to our brains, we become prey to industries that capitalize on our addictions in the name of selling happiness. ** Robert Lustig, ''The Hacking of the American Mind''. Avery (2017) - ISBN 978-1-101-98258-7 * Overeating doesn't make us fat. The process of becoming fat makes us overeat. ** [[w:David_Ludwig_(physician)|David Ludwig]], ''Always Hungry?: Conquer Cravings, Retrain Your Fat Cells, and Lose Weight Permanently''. (2016) * Hunger isn't a passing feeling. It's a primal biological signal that the body needs fuel. Very hard to ignore over the long term. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * In the battle between mind and metabolism, you are destined to lose the battle with your body. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * ''[On the illusion of the "calorie"]'' Forget calories. Focus on quality. Let your body do the rest. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * For breakfast, you could have a bowl of cornflakes with no added sugar, or a bowl of sugar with no added cornflakes. They would taste different but, below the neck, act more or less the same. ** ''Always Hungry?'' ==M== [[File:Junk_Food.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.']] * The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.' ** [[w:Michael_Moss|Michael Moss]], ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us''. Random House (2013) ISBN 978-0812982190, ISBN 0812982193 * They are not just making food; they are designing products with a 'fast-fading flavor' that leaves the brain tricked into wanting more, making moderation nearly impossible. ** ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us'' * Our brains are hardwired to remember where we found calorie-dense foods, and the modern grocery store exploits this evolutionary survival mechanism every single day. ** Michael Moss, ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions''. W. H. Allen & Co. (2021) ISBN 978-0753556344, ISBN 0753556340 * When it comes to the speed at which it hits the brain, processed food makes tobacco look slow. The reward signal is instantaneous, reinforcing the addictive loop before you even finish chewing. ** ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions'' ==O== * Would it not be better if they spent more money on wholesome things like oranges and wholemeal bread or if they even, like the writer of the letter to the New Statesman, saved on fuel and ate their carrots raw? Yes, it would, but the point is that no ordinary human being is ever going to do such a thing. The ordinary human being would sooner starve than live on brown bread and raw carrots. '''And the peculiar evil is this, that the less money you have, the less inclined you feel to spend it on wholesome food.''' A millionaire may enjoy breakfasting off orange juice and Ryvita biscuits; an unemployed man doesn't. Here the tendency of which I spoke at the end of the last chapter comes into play. When you are unemployed, which is to say '''when you are underfed, harassed, bored, and miserable, you don't want to eat dull wholesome food. You want something a little bit 'tasty'. There is always some cheaply pleasant thing to tempt you.''' ** [[w:George_Orwell|George Orwell]], [[w:The_Road_to_Wigan_Pier|The Road to Wigan Pier]] (1937) (from Pt. 1, Ch. 6.) ==P== <small>Susan Peirce Thompson</small> * Food addiction isn't a character flaw or a lack of willpower; it is a predictable biological response to modern engineered foods in a brain that is highly susceptible. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free''. (2017) ISBN 978-1401952532 * Refined sugar and refined flour are not foods — they are highly purified, fast-acting chemicals that hijack the reward pathways of the brain in the exact same manner as drugs of abuse. ** ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free'' * When the brain is flooded with dopamine from hyper-palatable foods, the resulting insulin spikes block leptin from reaching the hypothalamus, leaving the individual in a state of perpetual, biological starvation. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''The Official Bright Line Eating Cookbook: Weight Loss Made Simple''. (2019) ISBN 978-1401956790 * For someone with a highly susceptible food-addict brain, the advice to 'eat everything in moderation' is not just useless; it is biologically impossible and psychologically damaging. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''ReZolve: The Science of Re-Wiring Your Brain to Resolve Weight and Food Issues''. (2025) ISBN 978-1401977719 <small>David Perlmutter</small> * If you cannot control your hunger and appetite, good luck managing your blood chemistry, metabolism, waistline, and, in the bigger picture, the prospect of crippling your brain. ** [[w:David_Perlmutter|David Perlmutter]], ''Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar--Your Brain's Silent Killers'' (2013) * The food we eat goes beyond its macronutrients of carbohydrates, fat and protein. It's information. It interacts with and instructs our genome with every mouthful, changing genetic expression. ** David Perlmutter, ''Brain Maker: The Power of Gut Microbes to Heal and Protect Your Brain–for Life'' (2015) ISBN 978-0316380102 * "Shop the periphery of the grocery store. Anything with an ingredient list is suspect... [Ultra-processed foods] aren’t just empty—they’re addictive, designed to light up your brain’s reward system like a slot machine. ** David_Perlmutter, Clinical Commentary Archive, ''[https://drperlmutter.com/ultra-processed-foods-threaten-brain "Ultra-Processed Foods Threaten Your Brain"]'' (2024) <small>Lulu Hunt Peters</small> * A good way to show [your stomach] that you are master is to fast for at least one day—drink nothing but pure water, hot or cold, as you prefer. ** [[w:Lulu_Hunt_Peters|Lulu Hunt Peters]], ''Diet and Health: With Key to the Calories'' (1918), at [https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/15069/pg15069-images.html#Chapter8 Chapter 8] ''("At last. How to Reduce.")'' <small>Michael Pollan</small> * Cooking for yourself is the only sure way to take back control of your diet from the food scientists and food processors, and to guarantee you're eating real food rather than edible foodlike substances, with their unhealthy oils, high-fructose corn syrup, and surfeit of salt. ** [[w:Michael Pollan|Michael Pollan]], ''[[w:In_Defense_of_Food|In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto]]'' (2008) ISBN 978-1594201455 * You're better off eating the real thing in moderation than binging on 'lite' food products that pack less flavor but more chemical additives. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Food_Rules:_An_Eater%27s_Manual|Food Rules: An Eater's Manual]]'' (2009) ISBN 978-0143116387 * If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't. ** ''Food Rules: An Eater's Manual'' * The most important thing about your diet is who cooks it, a human or a corporation. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Cooked:_A_Natural_History_of_Transformation|Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation]]'' (2013) ISBN 978-1594204210 ==S== <small>Eric Schlosser, with Charles Wilson</small> * The point of this book is to take that strong impulse we all feel - our hunger for sweet, salty, fatty fast foods - and make you think about it. ''Chew On This'' will tell you where fast food comes from, who makes it, what's in it and what happens when you eat it. This is a book about fast food and the world it has made. ** [[w:Eric_Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]] and Charles Wilson, ''Chew on This: Everything You Don't Want to Know about Fast Food.'' (2006), ISBN 13: 978-0-618-59394-1 (Houghton Miffin Harcourt). ISBN-10: 0-141-31844-9 (Penguin Books). Introduction, at page 2. (Page numbers from the 2006 Penguin edition.)<br>The book is an adaptation of an earlier Eric Schlosser book, ''[[w:Fast_Food_Nation|Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal]]'' (2001), aimed at younger readers. [[File:Fast_food_love.jpg|thumb|right|By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.]] * Fast food may look like the sort of food people have always eaten, but it's different. It's not the kind of food you can make in your kitchen from scratch. Fast food is something radically new. Indeed, the food we eat has changed more during the past thirty years than during the previous 30,000 years.<br>[...] For the most part, fast food tastes pretty good. That's one of the main reasons people like to eat it. Fast food has been carefully designed to taste good.<br>[...] Chew on this: people should know what lies beneath the shiny happy surface of every fast food restaurant. They should know what really lurks between those sesame seed buns. As the old saying goes: you are what you eat. ** ''Chew on This'' - Introduction, at pages 4, 5. * At first, man-made flavour additives were mainly used in baked goods, candies and soft drinks. And then, during the mid-fifties, sales of processed food began to soar. By the mid-1960s, the American flavour industry was churning out compounds to supply the taste of Pop Tarts, Hamburger Helper, Bac-O-Bits, Tab, Tango, Filet-O-Fish burgers and literally thousands of other products.<br>[...] By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.<br>[...] Flavours are created by blending many chemicals in tiny amounts. [...] The taste of a food can be changed enormously by tiny changes in the flavouring mix.<br>In order to give a processed food the right taste, a flavourist must always consider the food's 'mouthfeel' - the combination of textures that you notice as you eat it. The mouthfeel can be adjusted through the use of different fats, gums and starches. ** ''Chew on This'' - Chapter 4, at pages 84, 86, 87-88. [[File:Obesity_in_the_US_(4014987104).jpg|thumb|right|The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault.]] * During the past two decades the flavour industry's role in food production has become so influential that many children now like man-made flavours more than the real thing. [...] When flavourists create additives for kids' foods, they usually get rid of the bitterness and increase the sweetness. Children's flavours are often twice as sweet as those made for adults. [...] The use of strong, unusual flavours is now one of the most popular trends in kids' food. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.90. * For years, the US government has argued that the colour and flavour additives widely used in processed foods are safe. That may not always be the case.<br>[...] A number of scientists now worry that eating so many different chemicals in processed foods may not be good for young children. [...] But the safety of eating a large combination of additives at every meal remains unknown. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.92, 93. * Thirty years [on from 1976], about 19,000 government-funded schools - one of every five in the United States - sell branded fast food in the cafeteria.<br>[...] 'I don't think it's healthy,' a fourteen-year-old told a reporter, 'but I eat it because it tastes good.' ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.5, at p.100. * The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault. The emphasis is on changing what the customers do, not what the fast food companies do. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.189. * Nobody is forced to buy fast food. The first step towards real change is by far the easiest. Stop buying it. [...] When you buy something from a company you are, in effect, voting for its policies and its behaviour. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.196, 197. <small>Kay Sheppard</small> * Food addiction is a progressive, chronic, and fatal disease, characterized by an inability to control the intake of specific, trigger substances. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows'' (1989) * For some people, foods can be as addictive as alcohol. Gummy bears and marshmallow chicks can be vicious killers whose effects can lead to depression, irritability and even suicide. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows: Revised & Expanded Edition'', (1993) ISBN 978-1558742765 * Recovery does not begin with calorie counting; it begins with the total elimination of the chemical triggers — refined sugar, flour, and wheat — that drive the physical craving. * Kay Sheppard, ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' (2000) * For the food addict, a single bite of a trigger food is not a treat — it is a chemical relapse that reawakens the physical obsession. ** ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' * Food addiction is characterized by an obsession with food, obsession with weight, and loss of control over the amount eaten. ** Kay Sheppard, [https://michaelprager.com/Kay-Sheppard-video-interview-food-addiction-abstinence-obesity-author-recovery video interview with journalist Michael Prager], 2013. ==T== * The brain chemistry that drives the addict to seek pleasure beyond the point of satiety is similar, whether the user favours Jack Daniels or [[w:Jack_in_the_Box|Jack-in-the-Box]]. ** Vera Tarman, ''Food Junkies: The Truth About Food Addiction'' (2014) * If food addicts could smoke or inject sugar, food addiction would be on the same playing field for researchers as cocaine or heroin. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Today I say am an addict. A respectable addict, of course. Not like the desperate addicts who have cashed in their mortgage... After all, my drug is cheap, the cheapest of all drugs, and therefore the most pernicious... And my drug is everywhere I look: in the drive-through gas station's convenience store, in the supermarket, on the lusciously displayed menu of an exclusive restaurant. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Sugar, for example, shares the same neurochemistry and neural pathways as cocaine. Sweetened chocolate mimics the effects of alcohol and opiates. Flour modulates moods and anaesthetizes pain just as many drugs do. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Obesity, eating disorders, and chemical dependency on food are three distinct and very different diseases -- and demonstrate different behaviors around food. We can categorize the corresponding behaviours of these conditions as problems that occur within the normal eating, emotional eating, and food addiction spectrums.<br>Obesity is entirely a physical problem: a result of eating too many calories while expending too few... Normal eaters simply eat too much... Normal eaters represent a large proportion of the obese. They can regulate their obesity by learning how to change the circumstances that foster poor willpower: better sleep, stress management, improving social skills, and changing a toxic food environment are only a few of the modifications that can be made...<br>Certainly, people suffering from [[w:Eating_disorder|eating disorders]] and [[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]] can also be obese, but their primary condition is not [[w:Obesity|obesity]]. In their cases, obesity is just another symptom of their emotional disturbance or their food addiction. The underlying [[w:Psychological_trauma|emotional trauma]] that drives the bulimic to stuff himself needs to be addressed first before the physical aspects of obesity can be seriously addressed; likewise, the sugar that is propelling the addictive overeater needs to be removed first before tackling any weight issues. ** ''Food Junkies'' * I believe that food addicts need the same type of support offered to alcoholics and drug addicts. They need to detoxify first and then learn about their disease, while dealing with the thoughts and feelings that arise once they are off their drug. Quite often, psychological issues do not become obvious until food addicts have been abstinent for a long period of time. That's why ongoing support is needed to prevent addicts from relapsing in a panicky effort to cope. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Withdrawal occurs once a person [[w:Whole_food|stops eating any addictive food]]. Though abstaining from foods is a contentious subject in the scientific literature, there is no question that it will cause a level of discomfort that often drives addicts back to eating...<br>The good news is that detoxification is not a long process; it only lasts for a relatively short period - between one week and four weeks...<br>Cheating by having a bite here or a spoonful there is also an excellent way to suffer withdrawal in perpetuity. Withdrawal will not end if the substance is constantly being reintroduced back into the brain reward pathway. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Feelings of deprivation, obsessions about food, and anxiety arising from unresolved trauma that was being “medicated” by the addictive foods may appear like spectres that linger, worsening before they get better. ** ''Food Junkies'' * From food addiction to food serenity - freedom tastes great! ** ''Food Junkies'' * It's not food. It's an industrially produced edible substance. ** [[w:Chris_van_Tulleken|Chris van Tulleken]], ''Ultra-Processed People: Why Do We All Eat Stuff That Isn't Food… and Why Can't We Stop?'' (2023) ISBN 978-1529160222<br>[+ ''[https://www.shortform.com/blog/ultra-processed-people-book An article about this book]''] * The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * This is the science behind how UPF affects the human body:<br>• The destruction of the food matrix by physical, chemical and thermal processing means that UPF is, in general, soft. This means you eat it fast, which means you eat far more calories per minute and don’t feel full until long after you’ve finished.<br>• UPF typically has a very high calorie density because it’s dry, and high in fat and sugar and low in fibre, so you get more calories per mouthful.<br>• It displaces diverse whole foods from the diet, especially among low-income groups. And UPF itself is often micronutrient-deficient, which may also contribute to excess consumption.<br> • The mismatch between the taste signals from the mouth and the nutrition content in some UPF alters metabolism and appetite in ways that we are only beginning to understand, but that seem to drive excess consumption.<br>• UPF is addictive, meaning that for some people binges are unavoidable.<br>• The emulsifiers, preservatives, modified starches and other additives damage the microbiome, which could allow inflammatory bacteria to flourish and cause the gut to leak.<br>• The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought, which leads to more snacking, less chewing, faster eating, increased consumption, and tooth decay.<br>• The additives and physical processing mean that UPF affects our [[w:Satiety|satiety system]] directly. Other additives may affect brain and endocrine function, and plastics from the packaging might affect fertility.<br>• The production methods used to make UPF require expensive subsidy and drive environmental destruction, carbon emissions and plastic pollution, which harm us all. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * The signals that tell you to ‘stop eating’ haven’t evolved to handle food this soft and easily digested, so soft that it’s essentially pre-chewed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * “So dominant is soy as industrial animal feed that the average person in the UK or Europe consumes approximately 61kg of soy per year, largely in the form of animal products such as chicken, pork, salmon, cheese, milk and eggs. Only 20–30 per cent of imported soy is ‘certified sustainable’ (and we have already discussed how little that means). So, if you live in the UK, there is a tennis court of land producing soy in the tropics just for you, and most of it comes from places like Brazil and Argentina where ecosystems that affect global climate are being destroyed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * It’s soft and typically calorie dense, so you eat it at a rate that your body can’t keep up with when it comes to feeling full. Things like protein isolates, refined oils and modified carbohydrates are absorbed so quickly they may not even reach the part of the gut that sends the fullness signal to the brain. They’re not things you have evolved to eat. Some of the additives are well known to cause harm – be particularly aware of emulsifiers and artificial sweeteners. Emulsifiers can thin the mucus lining of the gut, allowing faecal bacteria to leak into the blood stream and inflaming your whole body. The non-nutritive sweeteners that tell your body sugar is coming but don’t supply any calories seem to cause metabolic stress and changes to the microbiome. Other additives that affect the microbiome are maltodextrins, modified starches and lots of the gums and thickeners. Flavour enhancers (glutamate, guanylate, inosinate and ribonucleotides on ingredient lists) drive excess consumption. Again, they tell your body a lie about the nutritional content of the food you’re eating when they’re added out of context. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * In 2022, a study published in the journal ''Neurology'' looked at data from over 72,000 people. Increasing intake of UPF by 10 per cent was associated with a 25 per cent increase in the risk of dementia and a 14 per cent increase in the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * There is an apparently established fact that food isn't addictive... but here's the thing; it's not 'real' food that's addictive, it's UPF, otherwise known as these 'industrially produced edible substances'..." ** Chris van Tulleken, interviewed in ''i News'', 2023. ''"How I reprogrammed my brain to quit ultra-processed food."'' * Food addiction isn't a recognised disorder by the World Health Organisation or in the manual of psychiatric illness... But many clinicians report they have patients who experience symptoms of food addiction [where people] continue to eat [certain] foods despite trying to stop. ** Chris van Tulleken, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/upf_food_cravings BBC Food commentary, 2023], ''"There's a reason we crave ultra-processed food."'' ==W== * According to [[w:David A. Kessler|David Kessler]], the former FDA commissioner, the food industry is not just aiming to satisfy its customers. ... The industry, including the growers, concocters, testers, packagers, marketers, distributors, and retailers, is investing in ''hyperstimulating'' foods—creations with the power to keep us eating. There are scientists hard at work right now devising ways to get you to eat more than you naturally desire. ** [[w:Wendy Wood (psychologist)|Wendy Wood]], {{cite book|url=https://www.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ| isbn=9781250159083 | title=Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick | date=October 2019 | publisher=Farrar, Straus and Giroux }} [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=hyperstimulating#v=snippet&q=former%20fda%20commissioner&f=false 1st sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=keep+us+eating#v=snippet&q=keep%20us%20eating&f=false 2nd sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=scientists+hard+at+work#v=snippet&q=scientists%20hard%20at%20work&f=false 3rd sentence] * For food addicts, 'abstinence first, absolutely,' is the key to living and a good life. ** Philip Werdell, cited in [https://michaelprager.com/werdell_food_addiction_research_Acorn clinical interview by Michael Prager], "Phil Werdell: 'Abstinence first, absolutely.'" (2010) * This is the key to those who are dually diagnosed with anorexia and food addiction: they need to surrender control of both their obsession with not 'getting fat' and their specific food drugs. They need to learn to not restrict and to not overeat. ** Philip Werdell, SHiFT Recovery Clinical Paper, ''"Eating Disorders & Food Addiction"'' (2014) * Food addiction begins with physical craving. Physical craving distorts the hunger instinct for some people, making these people want more food than they need. This physical craving is a biochemical brain change caused by extra sugar or other hyper-processed foods. ** Philip Werdell, ''Food Addiction Denial: False Information and Irrational Thinking'', (2022) ISBN 978-1667853529 ==Y== [[File:Würfelzucker_--_2018_--_3564.jpg|thumb|right|To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull.]] * We have evolved a craving for sweet foods because we evolved in an environment where sweetness meant fruit, and fruit meant safety and vitamins. Now we can separate sweetness from nutrition, satisfying our palates is no longer a guarantee that we are satisfying our nutritional needs. ** [[w:John_Yudkin|John Yudkin]], ''Pure, White, and Deadly: How Sugar Is Killing Us and What We Can Do to Stop It'' (1972) ISBN 978-0-7067-0056-5 * To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' * If only a small fraction of what is already known about the effects of sugar were to be revealed about any other material used as a food additive, that material would swiftly be banned. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' == On ''[[w:Food_noise|food noise]]'' (a.k.a. food-related intrusive thoughts ("FRITs")) == * Food noise [is] 'persistent, intrusive thoughts about food that are disruptive to daily life and make healthy behaviors difficult.' ** Dr. Hanim Diktas, PhD, in ''Appetite'' (2025) [[File:Hungry_2683234.svg|thumb|right|]] * In plain language, our brains are experts at making us desire the foods and beverages we see, smell, and hear (e.g., the sound of bacon sizzling in a skillet). These motivational responses that arise from reactivity to food cues are consciously experienced as food-related cognitions and food cravings, defined as intense desires or urges to consume food. These responses can manifest regardless of physiological hunger levels and ultimately lead to increased food-seeking and consumption behaviors.<br>[...] Individual differences in reactivity to food cues might help to partially explain why some people are more susceptible than others to overeating and developing obesity when living in similar environments. For example, heightened cue reactivity, which is often assessed as self-reported preoccupation with food or measured using changes in brain response to food cues, has been observed in overweight individuals and those living with a binge-eating disorder. These data seem to indicate that similar levels of exposure to food cues might lead to different levels of food noise experienced by individuals, which manifest as rumination and obsessive preoccupation with food (i.e., FRITs) and can lead to overeating and maladaptive eating behaviors.<br>[...] our conceptual model considers two categories of potential cues: external food cues, which arise from the physical and social environment (e.g., seeing and smelling palatable foods), and internal food cues, such as those that might arise from homeostatic hunger signals (e.g., noticing that your stomach is growling) and thoughts about food and eating. ** 2023 paper by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/15/22/4809 What Is Food Noise? A Conceptual Model of Food Cue Reactivity]'' [[File:My_Mind_and_My_Thoughts_by_kartick_dutta.jpg|thumb|right|]] * This study aimed to examine the top videos on TikTok under the hashtag “FoodNoise” and explore what content creators discuss around food noise. ** Article published 29 April 2026 by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.nature.com/articles/s41387-026-00423-z “And just like that, quiet”: a content analysis of TikTok videos on food noise]'' * The struggle with obesity is not simple as a battle of willpower. The disease of obesity is complex and has a much deeper brain-gut relation than thought. The hypothalamus regulates adipocyte mass by integrating hormonal and neural signals from the gut and adipose tissue to maintain energy homeostasis. In obesity, this homeostasis becomes dysregulated, leading to persistent hunger and intrusive thoughts about eating that reflect the brain's defended higher adipocyte mass. These thoughts tend to be persistent, undesirable, or distressing in a noisy pattern patients call “food noise”. ** Abdulhameed Alhamzi, Carel W. le Roux, February 2026 - [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.70161 The Voice of a Disease: Why Food Noise Can No Longer Be Ignored!] * The basic premise of this book is that some foods are '''"intense"''' while others are '''"xtense.'''"<br>'''"Xtense" foods''' are natural foods that our bodies are able to have a reasonable and sane relationship with. We eat them until we are full and then we lose interest in them. We don't long for them or fantasise about them or try to give them up or try to limit our intake only to crack and eat them till we feel sick. Did you ever binge out on a head of cabbage followed by some beetroots and turnip mash? Nope. Thought not. Xtense foods just don't have that kind of effect. [[File:Food_Addiction_(286843160).jpg|thumb|right|]]<br>'''"Intense" foods''' however are the "crack cocaine" of the food world. Our bodies cannot deal with them. They affect our metabolism and our brain functioning so badly that we cannot apply the mealy-mouthed logic of the [[w:Food_pyramid_(nutrition)|food pyramid]] and only have them in moderation. If you've ever eaten a family bar of chocolate, or a whole packet of biscuits, or six doughnuts that were on special offer in the supermarket, all by yourself, then this is you. You have a problem with "intense" foods. I actually don't think every human being gets caught in this "intense" food trap, but if you're one of the affected, you'll know who you are.<br>Way back when I first realised I had a problem with food I longed to instead have a problem with cigarettes or even drugs or bad company because I could give them up completely, which, I told myself, would be far easier than having a food problem, as food could never be given up completely. '''This book, by categorising foods into "xtense" and "intense" allows you to do exactly that. If it's "intense", give it up. Forever.'''<br>The author doesn't have an easy index of "intense" and "xtense" foods at the back but rudimentary intelligence will allow you to figure them out yourself. Plus, I do think you have to apply your own life experience to her story and know what works for you. [...]<br> ** From a review filed on Amazon by "Northness" dated 31 March 2012, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. * I read ''Xtensity'' in one sitting and found it both fun and an eye opener. Disguised as a light novel à la Bridget Jones (if Bridget had graduated from Oxford...), '''it is actually a serious reflection on the causes of the current obesity epidemic and the futility of restricted calorie diets. The premise is as follows: evolution has conditioned us to prefer what the author calls "intense" foods, (basically sugar, salt and fat) and the food industry has exploited this evolutionary trait by incessantly peddling an ever increasing variety of attractive, cheap and readily available foods that make us fat. At the same time, our modern day obsession with thinness drives us towards the most absurd diets. However, low calorie diets do not work because evolution has also conditioned us to react to lower food intake as if fighting an impending famine: Feeling hungry triggers survival mechanisms in our body that automatically lower our energy output and produce even more fat cells. The solution is to avoid "intense" foods as much as possible and replace them with "Xtense" healthy nutritious foods. It's not easy to do, but it works.''' Goodbye Bridget Jones and Hello [[w:Arthur_De_Vany#Evolutionary_fitness|Art de Vany]]! ** From a review filed on Amazon by "MCR" dated 2 April 2014, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. == See also == * [[Addiction]] * [[Binge eating]] * [[Food]] * [[Overeating]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * Some salt/sugar/fat quotes from Michael Moss, ''"Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us"'', on [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/21520265-salt-sugar-fat-how-the-food-giants-hooked-us goodreads.com] * Discussion of [https://www.westonaprice.org/book-reviews/the-hacking-of-the-american-mind-by-dr-robert-h-lustig/#gsc.tab=0 ''"The Hacking of the American Mind: The Science Behind the Corporate Takeover of Our Bodies and Brains"''] by Dr Robert H. Lustig [[Category:Psychology]] [[Category:Eating disorders]] h44kcpn4cn8cjyukhkwc8kdkdi9z5ic 3955137 3955132 2026-06-21T19:40:41Z WQ-FA-2026 3343520 /* M */ converted book title to a Wikipedia page link 3955137 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:USA_Obesity_2024.svg|thumb|right|]] A '''[[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]]''' (or eating addiction) is any behavioural addiction characterized primarily by the compulsive consumption of palatable and hyperpalatable food items, and potentially also sugar-sweetened beverages. Such foods often have high sugar, fat, and salt contents, and markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals. Those with eating addictions often overconsume such foods despite the adverse consequences (such as excess weight gain, diabetes, and heart disease) associated with their overconsumption. == Quotes == __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==A== <small>Peter Attia, Bill Gifford</small> * [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet#Ketogenic_die|Ketogenic diet]] means restricting carbohydrates to such an extent that the body begins metabolizing fat into "ketone bodies" that the muscles and brain can utilize as fuel. ** [[w:Peter_Attia|Peter Attia]] and Bill Gifford, ''[[w:Outlive:_The_Science_and_Art_of_Longevity|Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity]]'' (2023) * Evolution wants us to get fat when nutrients are abundant: the more energy we could store, in our ancestral past, the greater our chances of survival and successful reproduction. We needed to be able to endure periods of time without much food, and natural selection obliged, endowing us with genes that helped us conserve and store energy in the form of fat. That enabled our distant ancestors to survive periods of famine, cold climates, and physiologic stressors such as illness and pregnancy. But these genes have proved less advantageous in our present environment, where many people in the developed world have access to almost unlimited calories. ** ''Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity'' * In the late 1970s, the average American adult male weighed 173 pounds. Now the average American man tips the scale at nearly 200 pounds. ** ''Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity'' <small>Nicole Avena</small> * Heavy consumption of highly processed foods can alter dopamine and opioid neurotransmission, creating a cycle of bingeing and withdrawal. ** Nicole M. Avena, Pedro Rada, and Bartley G. Hoebel. ''Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake.'' Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews (2008) [[File:Walmart_Wenatchee.jpg|thumb|right|We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates.]] * The modern food environment acts as a constant cue, activating the reward center of the brain before the food even touches your tongue. ** Nicole M. Avena and John Talbott, ''Why Diets Fail: Because You're Addicted to Sugar'' (2014) ISBN 978-1451699708 * Our research shows that sugar can stimulate the brain's reward system in a manner similar to drugs of abuse, leading to chemical changes that mirror addiction. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''What to Eat When You're Pregnant'' (2015) ISBN 978-1607746737 * Food addiction is not a metaphor; it is a clinical reality driven by biological changes in the brain's survival circuitry. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless: A 7-Step Plan to Uncover Hidden Sugars, Curb Your Cravings, and Conquer Your Addiction'' (2023) ISBN 978-1401972172 * We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless'' (2023) ==B== [[File:William_Banting.jpg|thumb|right|''My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, [...] that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority.''<br>~ William Banting (1796-1878)]] <small>William Banting</small> * The great charm and comfort of the system is, that its effects are palpable within a week of trial, which creates a natural stimulus to persevere for a few weeks more, when the fact becomes established beyond question. ** [[w:William_Banting|William Banting]] (1796-1878), [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence ''Letter on Corpulence, Addressed to the Public'' (1864)], plus later Addenda.<br>An early historical example (1864) of '''successfully following a [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet|low-carbohydrate diet]]''' by changing what he ate, after much earlier frustration clarifying the underlying (previously medically unrecognised) problem in his particular case; thereby reducing his weight from 202 pounds to 150 pounds. Then recommending this remedial course of action to other "sufferers of corpulence". * My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, and whether it be swallowed in that form or generated in the stomach, that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Addenda First Addendum]'' to his (public) 1864 letter. * I shall always observe a careful watch upon myself to discover the effect, and act accordingly, so that, if I choose to spend a day or two with [[w:Rich_man_and_Lazarus|Dives]], so to speak, I must not forget to devote the next to Lazarus. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Concluding_addenda Second Addendum]'' to his 1864 letter. ''[i.e., that partaking of a "fattening dietary [item] occasionally" needs ideally to be tempered by a subsequent bout of compensatorily restrictive eating.]'' * My impression from the experiments I have tried on myself of late is, that saccharine matter is the great moving cause of fatty corpulence. I know that it produces in my individual case increased weight and a large amount of flatulence, and believe, that not only sugar, but all elements tending to create saccharine matter in the process of digestion, should be avoided. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' * One material point I should be glad to impress on my corpulent readers—it is, to get accurately weighed at starting upon the fresh system, and continue to do so weekly or monthly, for the change will be so truly palpable by this course of examination, that it will arm them with perfect confidence in the merit and ultimate success of the plan. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' <small>Benjamin Bikman</small> * If your [fasting] [[w:Insulin|insulin]] levels are on the low end (lower than around 6 microunits/milliliter or 41 picomoles/liter), it's a safe assumption that you're doing quite well and your insulin sensitivity is strong. You are either already adhering to smart lifestyle choices or you are young enough to get away with bad choices for now. If your insulin levels are moderately elevated (7-17 microunits/milliliter or 48 to 118 picomoles/liter), you should start making changes, particularly with the food you eat and how frequently you're eating. In the event your insulin is high (greater than 18 microunits/milliliter or 125 per picomoles/liter), you need to make changes today. ** Benjamin Bikman, ''Why We Get Sick: The Hidden Epidemic at the Root of Most Chronic Disease―and How to Fight It'' (2020) <small>Kelly D. Brownell</small> [[File:SAKURAKO_-_Are_you_Junk_Food_lover%3F_(6447206019).jpg|thumb|right|We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits.]] * We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits with toy giveaways and in-school promotions.. ** [[w:Kelly_D._Brownell|Kelly D. Brownell]], ''Food Fight: The Inside Story of the Food Industry, America's Obesity Crisis, and What We Can Do About It'' (2004) ISBN 978-0071438728 * Certain constituents of food products, added sugar in particular, may hijack the brain and override human will, judgement and personal responsibility, and in so doing create a public health menace. ** Kelly D. Brownell and Mark Gold, ''Food Addiction: A Comprehensive Handbook''. (2012) ISBN 978-0199738168 * As a culture, we've become upset by the tobacco companies advertising to children, but we sit idly by while the food companies do the very same thing. And we could make a claim that the toll taken on the public health by a poor diet rivals that taken by tobacco. ** Kelly D. Brownell. Cited in ''The New York Times Magazine'', 2013. ''[https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/the-extraordinary-science-of-addictive-junk-food.html "The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food."]'' * Portion sizes and the availability of highly processed, highly caloric food have grown dramatically... How far are you from a doughnut? ** Kelly D. Brownell. Center for Science in the Public Interest, [https://www.cspi.org/article/why-our-toxic-food-environment-matters interview, 2022]. ''"Why our toxic food environment matters."'' ==C== * Our real problem is our eating habits. What we need to change is our eating habits. The real problem is that we've been brainwashed into adopting stupid eating habits. ** [[w:Allen_Carr|Allen Carr]], ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' (1997) - at p.20, 21. * You aren't going on a diet. You are merely changing your eating habits. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.67. * Although avoiding starvation is the ultimate purpose of eating, isn't it true that each meal is prompted by a more immediate reason, such as 'I'm in the habit of eating three meals a day,' or 'I enjoy eating,' or 'Because I feel hungry, bored, nervous or miserable,' or 'Because I got the whiff of something that smelt good,' or, simply, 'The food was there and I couldn't resist it.'<br>We might eat for any one of these reasons or all of them. It's rather confusing, isn't it? And not surprising that we become overweight. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.72. * Mother Nature's only purpose in making us want to eat is that we survive. [...] The sole purpose of eating is to provide fuel and maintenance materials.<br>[But] aren't most of us in the habit of having a certain volume of food served up on our plates three times a day and then attempting to eat that volume regardless of the energy we propose to burn?<br>The point is: our bodies aren't designed to handle that surplus. [... ] Instead, we are obliged to store it in the form of unsightly bulges around our midriffs and elsewhere, and that's why we become overweight and obese.<br>We can now concentrate all of our attention on one aspect and one aspect alone: Our intake. [...] Provided the intake is correct the rest takes care of itself. [...] [So] tamper with... the type and quantity of food that you eat. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.73, 74, 75, 76 * [104] If you stick to the principle of eating when you are hungry and stopping when you have satisfied that hunger, you will not only enjoy every meal, but you will have no weight problems. However, I would emphasize that I said stop eating when you have satisfied your hunger, and not your gluttony. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.104 * ''How to lose weight and keep it off''<br>+ The most important thing is to change your mentality and approach rather than simply changing what you eat.<br>+ Correcting the misconceptions that keep you trapped eating the wrong foods that cause you to not only gain weight but also feel tired, miserable and unfit is essential.<br>+ Get your head right and it’s easy to lose weight (and keep it off).<br>As long as you change your thinking and see the food that has made you overweight for what it is; poisonous, toxic, and addictive junk that’s made you ill, you’ll find it easy. ** Some points from the [https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-weight-loss/how-do-i-lose-weight-and-keep-it-off allencarr.com website] ==F== <small>'''Dr Jason Fung'''</small> * The basics of good nutrition can be summarized in these simple rules. Eat whole, unprocessed foods. Avoid sugar. Avoid refined grains. Eat a diet high in natural fats. Balance feeding with [[w:Fasting|fasting]]. ** [[w:Jason_Fung|Jason Fung]], ''The Complete Guide to Fasting: Heal Your Body Through Intermittent, Alternate-Day, and Extended Fasting'' (2016) [[File:Quote_on_Fasting_from_Rumi.jpg|thumb|right|<br>Balance feeding with fasting.<br><br>We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast.]] * We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * [In cases where] too much insulin causes obesity, then it becomes clear we need to lower insulin levels. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * Caloric reduction and portion-control strategies only make you tired and hungry. Worst of all...''you regain all the weight you have lost.'' I know it. You know it.<br>[...] Losing weight triggers two important responses. First, total energy expenditure is immediately and indefinitely reduced in order to conserve the available energy. Second, hormonal hunger signaling is immediately and indefinitely amplified in an effort to acquire more food. Weight loss results in increased hunger and decreased metabolism. This evolutionary survival strategy has a single purpose: ''to make us regain the lost weight''.<br>[...] Eating less does not result in lasting weight loss. It. Just. Does. Not. Work. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss (2016)'' - Part 2, at Chapter 3, p.41, 45, 47. * Obesity is a hormonal disorder of fat regulation. Insulin is the major hormone that drives weight gain, so the rational therapy is to ''lower insulin levels''. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code'' - Part 6, at Chapter 19, p.219. * Reduce your consumption of added sugars. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.219. * Just don't snack<br> The healthy snack is one of the greatest weight-loss deceptions. The myth that ‘grazing is healthy’ has attained legendary status. If we were meant to ‘graze’, we would be cows. Grazing is the direct opposite of virtually all food traditions. Even as recently as the 1960s, most people still ate just three meals per day. Constant stimulation of insulin eventually leads to insulin resistance.<br>[...] Stop eating all the time.<br>[...] Are snacks necessary? No.<br>[...] There's a simple answer to the question of what to eat at snack time. Nothing. Don't eat snacks. Period. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.222, 223. * Eat whole, unprocessed foods at all meals. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.225. * Reduce your consumption of refined grains. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.228. [[File:Quote_From_Plato_About_Fasting.jpg|thumb|right|<br>There is one more piece to the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago.<br><br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.]] * The last piece of the puzzle<br>All diets work in the short term. But we've been ignoring the long-term problem of insulin resistance. There is one more piece of the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago. A practice that has been enshrined in the nutritional lore of virtually every population on earth. A tradition rapidly becoming extinct.<br>Two major factors maintain our insulin at a high level. The first is the foods that we eat - which are what we usually change when we go on a diet. But we fail to address the other factor: the long-term problem of insulin resistance. This problem is one of meal timing.<br>To succeed, we must break the insulin-resistance cycle. But how?<br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.<br>When we talk about fasting to break insulin resistance and lose weight, we are talking about intermittent fasts of twenty-four to thirty-six hours.<br>The remainder of this chapter will be devoted to addressing the health concerns around fasting - which, the research shows us, is a beneficial practice. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19 at p.233, 234. Ch.20 at p.235, 236. * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/@DrJasonFung <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung - YouTube Channel]'''</small><br> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqZsS03dlPk <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung: Beginner's Guide to Intermittent Fasting] (2020) (10 mins)'''</small> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ8ihAntvbI <u>On YouTube</u>: "Dr. Jason Fung: The Best Fasting Method for Visceral Fat and Insulin Resistance has Been Discovered"] (2026) (2h 12 mins)'''</small> ==G== <small>Ashley Gearhardt</small> [[File:Junk_Food_Addiction_(286918378).jpg|thumb|right|"People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice. They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly."<br><br>"These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances."]] * Right now, we're kind of like, 'just eat these foods in moderation.' And for the people for whom consumption of these foods has become compulsive, it's like telling people with alcohol use disorder to just find a way to drink in moderation. ** Ashley Gearhardt, National Institutes of Health [https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2024/02/dr-ashley-gearhardt-addiction-ultra-processed-foods (NIH) interview, 2024]. ''"Dr. Ashley Gearhardt on Addiction and Ultra-Processed Foods."'' * “People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice,” said lead author University of Michigan professor of psychology Ashley Gearhardt, Ph.D. “They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly.” ** Quoted on the [https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-outlook/202403/addicted-to-food ''Psychology Today''] website. * These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances. ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * The younger you are when you're exposed to an addictive substance, the more likely you are to have problems... Kids are being exposed to this and aggressively marketed to... it's setting them up where this is one of the major sources of reward, sources of ways to cope. ** ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * What has happened in modern times is that previously healthy [[w:whole foods|whole foods]] have been largely replaced by [[w:Ultra-processed_food|ultra-processed foods]], which are high in pure sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, salt, and the wrong types of fats.<br>The reasons that our bodies crave these foods is because they are loaded with ingredients that tap into the pleasure centers in our brain, the so-called dopamine reward pathway, which is the same pathway that street drugs like cocaine tap into. ** [https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2024/09/why-do-we-crave-junk-food-diet-psychology The Harvard Gazette.] ''"Why we crave junk food—and how to cultivate healthier eating habits."'' * ''Mills'': "What's the difference between being addicted to food and just liking to indulge in treats more than you should? How can you tell if someone meets the threshold for addiction?"<br>''Gearhardt'': "...I took our diagnostic criteria that we have in the [[w:Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders|DSM]] to try and dissociate between social drinkers and somebody who's actually addicted to alcohol. And I've applied that to the intake of these really highly processed foods with unnatural levels of refined carbohydrates and fats. And so, the hallmarks of addiction that I'm looking for are a loss of control over intake.<br>[...] Having more of a sense of your cues and your reactions can start to give you some of your power back.<br>[...] Right now, we're at where I see we've been with a lot of addictions in the past, which is that it's just a focus on willpower: 'You just have to try a little harder, calories in calories out.' And what it's ignoring is that there's a trillion dollar industry that is using its research and development budget to specifically design these highly processed foods to trigger unnaturally intense levels of reward in your brain in a way that makes it hard to manage. And that if this is triggering this addictive compulsive pull, it's not just an adult choice, but really the result of a toxic environment really pushing a risky food substance that we're not well informed about. And so, that seems to actually be somewhat helpful in reducing stigma and reducing the belief that people just aren't trying hard enough and it's just a matter of willpower.<br>[...] It's clearly not all foods. It's clearly this subset of highly processed foods that are unnatural, highly refined, highly rewarding products. And that's what people get hooked on. [...] People are really struggling to get a handle on their relationship with these foods, even in the face of really stark consequences." ** [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association.] ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food? With Ashley Gearhardt, PhD."'' * "And some of the behaviors that we see that people report is that they really struggle to maintain their control once they start eating some of these foods. [...] There's a tendency that even if you have some pretty significant negative consequences, health consequences, emotional consequences-you keep returning to that same dietary pattern. [...] Because the foods themselves seem to have kind of taken an oversized view in their world. They really start kind [of] driving their eating behavior and sometimes driving their entire life.<br>[...] From a public health perspective, the biggest concern is if these foods have enough of an addictive pull, they trigger enough of a response that you really struggle to eat in moderation. That says, on a broad scale, people are struggling with their relationship with these foods in a way that increases health-related problems." ** [https://wfpc.sanford.duke.edu/podcasts/ashley-gearhardt-food-addiction Duke University, ''World Food Policy Center''] ''"Ashley Gearhardt on Food Addiction and You… Yes, You."'' * We just blame it on the individual for a while and say 'oh, you know, just smoke in moderation, drink in moderation' – and eventually we get to a point where we understand the levers that the industry can pull to create products that can really hook people. ** Ashley Gearhardt, University of Michigan [https://lsa.umich.edu/psych/news-events/all-news/faculty-news/ultra-processed-foods-should-be-treated-more-like-cigarettes-tha.html clinical commentary, 2026]. ''"Ultra-processed foods should be treated more like cigarettes than food."'' <small>Stephan J. Guyenet</small> * In 1980, the US Department of Health and Human Services and the US Department of Agriculture released a document titled [https://www.dietaryguidelines.gov/sites/default/files/2019-05/1980%20DGA.pdf Dietary Guidelines for Americans].<br>[...] If you followed the ''Guidelines'' faithfully, you would end up eating a diet that's not very different from what most nutrition professionals recommend today: primarily whole grains, beans, potatoes, vegetables, fruits, nuts, lean meat, seafood, and dairy, with little added fat, sugar, or highly processed foods.<br>[...] Seems pretty reasonable. Yet you know what happened next: We got fatter. Between 1980 and today, the US obesity rate more than doubled.<br>[...] Against the advice of the ''Guidelines'', our intake of soda, refined sugar, refined starch, added fats, and highly processed food skyrocketed, along with our calorie intake. ** Stephan J. Guyenet, ''[[w:The_Hungry_Brain|The Hungry Brain: Outsmarting the Instincts That Make Us Overeat]]'' (2017) ISBN 1-250-08119-X - Introduction, at p.1, 2, 3. [Page numbers are from the 2017 Vermilion edition.] * Information alone isn't always an effective way to change behavior.<br>[...] If our everyday eating behavior is primarily guided by brain systems that aren't so rational, information alone shouldn't be a very effective way to change it, no matter how accurate, clear, and compelling it is. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.3. * The [[w:Thinking,_Fast_and_Slow|conflict between the conscious and nonconscious brain]] explains why we overeat even though we don't want to. Although we try to control our behavior using the conscious parts of our brains, the nonconscious parts work to undermine our good intentions.<br>[...] What circuits are actually in charge of our everyday eating behavior, and how do they work? If we can answer these questions, we can understand why we make destructive food choices in the modern world, and how to stop. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.4. * While a calorie-seeking brain is an asset when calories are hard to come by, it's a liability when we're drowning in food. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.5. * To understand food addiction, we need to examine the ''types'' of foods that trigger addiction-like behavior. As it turns out, people don't become addicted to celery and lentils. What foods are they drawn to instead? The following quote by [Ashley] Gearhardt and [Kelly] Brownell sheds light on the question:<br>''High concentrations of sugar, refined carbohydrates (bread, white rice, pasta made with white flour), fats (butter, lard, margarine), salt, and caffeine are addictive substances and the foods containing these ingredients may be consumed in a manner consistent with addictive behavior. Just like drugs of abuse, these food substances may not be addictive until they are processed, extracted, highly refined and concentrated by modern industrial processes; meanwhile, combinations of these look-like-food substances may greatly enhance their addictive qualities.''<br>Although it's controversial to call these foods addictive, it is fair to say that they provoke [[w:Dopamine|dopamine]] release in the [[w:Striatum#Ventral_striatum|ventral striatum]]. And the more concentrated they are, the more dopamine they release. The more dopamine they release, the more they [[w:Reinforcement|reinforce behavior]], and the more they reinforce behavior, the closer they bring us to addiction. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.54-55. [[File:Wanita_buncit.jpg|thumb|right|"If you find something really rewarding and you have really poor impulse control, you're in a lot of trouble."<br><br>~ Leonard Epstein]] * Drug abuse research suggests that a person's susceptibility to addiction depends not only on how [[w:Reinforcement|reinforcing]] the drug is for him but also on his ability to control his behavior in response to a craving—in other words, his ''[[w:Impulsivity|impulsivity]]''. Impulsivity describes a person's ability—or lack thereof—to suppress or ignore basic urges that are beyond conscious control. It's the opposite of what we commonly call [[w:Self-control|self-control]].<br>[...] As [Leonard] Epstein puts it, "If you find something really rewarding and you have really poor impulse control, you're in a lot of trouble." Epstein coined the term ''reinforcement pathology'' to describe the dangerous combination of high reinforcement sensitivity and high impulsivity. [...] This may identify why some people are more susceptible to food addiction than others, despite the fact that we're all exposed to potentially addictive foods. [...] On the other hand, people who have a high [relative reinforcing value of food] but who aren't impulsive ... aren't at an increased risk of overeating or weight gain. "If you have really good self-control," explains Epstein, you can overcome the reward value, and you can be a foodie: someone who loves food, who's a gourmet cook, but who is lean because they can regulate the amount of food."<br>[...] The same principles of reinforcement and impulsivity should still apply to nonaddicted people. Even if you aren't actually addicted to potato chips, you may still be drawn to eat them when you aren't hungry, and your ability to suppress that urge when they're available will influence how much of them you eat. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.67, 68. * [Leonard] Epstein is quick to point out that there's a third important factor in addition to [relative reinforcing value of food] and impulsivity: the presence of highly rewarding food in your personal environment. [...] The deadliest combination occurs when an impulsive person with a high food reward sensivity lives in an environment that's bursting at the seams with highly rewarding foods. And as we will soon see, the United States qualifies as such an environment. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.68. ==H== * Food is not just calories, it is information; it talks to your DNA and tells it what to do. And junk food speaks a language of disease, inflammation, and addiction. ** [[w:Mark_Hyman_(doctor)|Mark Hyman]], ''The Blood Sugar Solution: The UltraHealthy Program for Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Feeling Great Now'' (2012) ISBN 978-0-316-12737-0 [[File:Varsity_ordering_lines.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked.]] * Sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine. It hijacks your brain chemistry and your taste buds, driving you to eat more and more, even when you know it's killing you. ** Mark Hyman, ''The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet: Activate Your Body's Natural Ability to Burn Fat and Lose Weight Fast'' (2014) ISBN 978-0-316-23002-5 * The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food: What the Heck Should I Eat? The No-nonsense Guide to Achieving Optimal Weight and Lifelong Health.'' (2018) ISBN 978-0-316-33886-8 * Willpower is a myth. You cannot use willpower to override a biological addiction. If your hormones and brain chemistry are hijacked by sugar, biology will win every single time. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food Fix: How to Save Our Health, Our Economy, Our Communities, and Our Planet—One Bite at a Time'' (2020) ISBN 978-0-316-45317-2 ==K== * Modern foods... are designed not to satisfy, but rather to stimulate the reward pathways in the brain, conditioning us to crave more food. ** [[w:David_A._Kessler|David Kessler]], ''The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite'' (2009) ISBN 1-60529-785-2 * The more rewarding the food, the greater the attention we direct toward it, and the more vigorously we pursue it. ** ''The End of Overeating'' * Because this kind of food disappears down our throats so quickly after the first bite, it readily overrides the body's signals that should tell us 'I'm full.' ** ''The End of Overeating'' [[File:Whole_Foods_Market_Massapequa_NY.jpg|thumb|right|Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated.]] * America has become a food fun house... a carnival of delicious, fatty, salty, sugary, and, more to the point, accessible and cheap delights. How could you expect to go to the carnival and not want to go on the rides? ** ''The End of Overeating'' * We live in a world of foods designed to be addictive, driving biological instincts that provoke overeating and the food noise of daily existence. ** ** David Kessler, ''Diet, Drugs, and Dopamine: The New Science of Achieving a Healthy Weight'' (2025) ISBN 1250381274 * "Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated." ** David Kessler. [https://www.npr.org/2009/05/06/103862714/why-do-we-overeat-author-blames-fat-sugar-salt National Public Radio (NPR) interview, 2009. ''"Why do we overeat? Author blames fat, sugar, salt."''] ==L== * Food is beyond a necessity; it's also a commodity, and it has been reformulated to be an addictive substance. ** [[w:Robert_Lustig|Robert Lustig]], ''Fat Chance: Beating the Odds against Sugar, Processed Food, Obesity, and Disease.'' New York: Hudson Street Press. (2012) * If we don't understand what's actually happening to our brains, we become prey to industries that capitalize on our addictions in the name of selling happiness. ** Robert Lustig, ''The Hacking of the American Mind''. Avery (2017) - ISBN 978-1-101-98258-7 * Overeating doesn't make us fat. The process of becoming fat makes us overeat. ** [[w:David_Ludwig_(physician)|David Ludwig]], ''Always Hungry?: Conquer Cravings, Retrain Your Fat Cells, and Lose Weight Permanently''. (2016) * Hunger isn't a passing feeling. It's a primal biological signal that the body needs fuel. Very hard to ignore over the long term. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * In the battle between mind and metabolism, you are destined to lose the battle with your body. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * ''[On the illusion of the "calorie"]'' Forget calories. Focus on quality. Let your body do the rest. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * For breakfast, you could have a bowl of cornflakes with no added sugar, or a bowl of sugar with no added cornflakes. They would taste different but, below the neck, act more or less the same. ** ''Always Hungry?'' ==M== [[File:Junk_Food.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.']] * The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.' ** [[w:Michael_Moss|Michael Moss]], ''[[w:Salt,_Sugar,_Fat:_How_the_Food_Giants_Hooked_Us|Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us]]''. Random House (2013) ISBN 978-0812982190, ISBN 0812982193 * They are not just making food; they are designing products with a 'fast-fading flavor' that leaves the brain tricked into wanting more, making moderation nearly impossible. ** ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us'' * Our brains are hardwired to remember where we found calorie-dense foods, and the modern grocery store exploits this evolutionary survival mechanism every single day. ** Michael Moss, ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions''. W. H. Allen & Co. (2021) ISBN 978-0753556344, ISBN 0753556340 * When it comes to the speed at which it hits the brain, processed food makes tobacco look slow. The reward signal is instantaneous, reinforcing the addictive loop before you even finish chewing. ** ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions'' ==O== * Would it not be better if they spent more money on wholesome things like oranges and wholemeal bread or if they even, like the writer of the letter to the New Statesman, saved on fuel and ate their carrots raw? Yes, it would, but the point is that no ordinary human being is ever going to do such a thing. The ordinary human being would sooner starve than live on brown bread and raw carrots. '''And the peculiar evil is this, that the less money you have, the less inclined you feel to spend it on wholesome food.''' A millionaire may enjoy breakfasting off orange juice and Ryvita biscuits; an unemployed man doesn't. Here the tendency of which I spoke at the end of the last chapter comes into play. When you are unemployed, which is to say '''when you are underfed, harassed, bored, and miserable, you don't want to eat dull wholesome food. You want something a little bit 'tasty'. There is always some cheaply pleasant thing to tempt you.''' ** [[w:George_Orwell|George Orwell]], [[w:The_Road_to_Wigan_Pier|The Road to Wigan Pier]] (1937) (from Pt. 1, Ch. 6.) ==P== <small>Susan Peirce Thompson</small> * Food addiction isn't a character flaw or a lack of willpower; it is a predictable biological response to modern engineered foods in a brain that is highly susceptible. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free''. (2017) ISBN 978-1401952532 * Refined sugar and refined flour are not foods — they are highly purified, fast-acting chemicals that hijack the reward pathways of the brain in the exact same manner as drugs of abuse. ** ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free'' * When the brain is flooded with dopamine from hyper-palatable foods, the resulting insulin spikes block leptin from reaching the hypothalamus, leaving the individual in a state of perpetual, biological starvation. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''The Official Bright Line Eating Cookbook: Weight Loss Made Simple''. (2019) ISBN 978-1401956790 * For someone with a highly susceptible food-addict brain, the advice to 'eat everything in moderation' is not just useless; it is biologically impossible and psychologically damaging. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''ReZolve: The Science of Re-Wiring Your Brain to Resolve Weight and Food Issues''. (2025) ISBN 978-1401977719 <small>David Perlmutter</small> * If you cannot control your hunger and appetite, good luck managing your blood chemistry, metabolism, waistline, and, in the bigger picture, the prospect of crippling your brain. ** [[w:David_Perlmutter|David Perlmutter]], ''Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar--Your Brain's Silent Killers'' (2013) * The food we eat goes beyond its macronutrients of carbohydrates, fat and protein. It's information. It interacts with and instructs our genome with every mouthful, changing genetic expression. ** David Perlmutter, ''Brain Maker: The Power of Gut Microbes to Heal and Protect Your Brain–for Life'' (2015) ISBN 978-0316380102 * "Shop the periphery of the grocery store. Anything with an ingredient list is suspect... [Ultra-processed foods] aren’t just empty—they’re addictive, designed to light up your brain’s reward system like a slot machine. ** David_Perlmutter, Clinical Commentary Archive, ''[https://drperlmutter.com/ultra-processed-foods-threaten-brain "Ultra-Processed Foods Threaten Your Brain"]'' (2024) <small>Lulu Hunt Peters</small> * A good way to show [your stomach] that you are master is to fast for at least one day—drink nothing but pure water, hot or cold, as you prefer. ** [[w:Lulu_Hunt_Peters|Lulu Hunt Peters]], ''Diet and Health: With Key to the Calories'' (1918), at [https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/15069/pg15069-images.html#Chapter8 Chapter 8] ''("At last. How to Reduce.")'' <small>Michael Pollan</small> * Cooking for yourself is the only sure way to take back control of your diet from the food scientists and food processors, and to guarantee you're eating real food rather than edible foodlike substances, with their unhealthy oils, high-fructose corn syrup, and surfeit of salt. ** [[w:Michael Pollan|Michael Pollan]], ''[[w:In_Defense_of_Food|In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto]]'' (2008) ISBN 978-1594201455 * You're better off eating the real thing in moderation than binging on 'lite' food products that pack less flavor but more chemical additives. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Food_Rules:_An_Eater%27s_Manual|Food Rules: An Eater's Manual]]'' (2009) ISBN 978-0143116387 * If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't. ** ''Food Rules: An Eater's Manual'' * The most important thing about your diet is who cooks it, a human or a corporation. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Cooked:_A_Natural_History_of_Transformation|Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation]]'' (2013) ISBN 978-1594204210 ==S== <small>Eric Schlosser, with Charles Wilson</small> * The point of this book is to take that strong impulse we all feel - our hunger for sweet, salty, fatty fast foods - and make you think about it. ''Chew On This'' will tell you where fast food comes from, who makes it, what's in it and what happens when you eat it. This is a book about fast food and the world it has made. ** [[w:Eric_Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]] and Charles Wilson, ''Chew on This: Everything You Don't Want to Know about Fast Food.'' (2006), ISBN 13: 978-0-618-59394-1 (Houghton Miffin Harcourt). ISBN-10: 0-141-31844-9 (Penguin Books). Introduction, at page 2. (Page numbers from the 2006 Penguin edition.)<br>The book is an adaptation of an earlier Eric Schlosser book, ''[[w:Fast_Food_Nation|Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal]]'' (2001), aimed at younger readers. [[File:Fast_food_love.jpg|thumb|right|By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.]] * Fast food may look like the sort of food people have always eaten, but it's different. It's not the kind of food you can make in your kitchen from scratch. Fast food is something radically new. Indeed, the food we eat has changed more during the past thirty years than during the previous 30,000 years.<br>[...] For the most part, fast food tastes pretty good. That's one of the main reasons people like to eat it. Fast food has been carefully designed to taste good.<br>[...] Chew on this: people should know what lies beneath the shiny happy surface of every fast food restaurant. They should know what really lurks between those sesame seed buns. As the old saying goes: you are what you eat. ** ''Chew on This'' - Introduction, at pages 4, 5. * At first, man-made flavour additives were mainly used in baked goods, candies and soft drinks. And then, during the mid-fifties, sales of processed food began to soar. By the mid-1960s, the American flavour industry was churning out compounds to supply the taste of Pop Tarts, Hamburger Helper, Bac-O-Bits, Tab, Tango, Filet-O-Fish burgers and literally thousands of other products.<br>[...] By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.<br>[...] Flavours are created by blending many chemicals in tiny amounts. [...] The taste of a food can be changed enormously by tiny changes in the flavouring mix.<br>In order to give a processed food the right taste, a flavourist must always consider the food's 'mouthfeel' - the combination of textures that you notice as you eat it. The mouthfeel can be adjusted through the use of different fats, gums and starches. ** ''Chew on This'' - Chapter 4, at pages 84, 86, 87-88. [[File:Obesity_in_the_US_(4014987104).jpg|thumb|right|The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault.]] * During the past two decades the flavour industry's role in food production has become so influential that many children now like man-made flavours more than the real thing. [...] When flavourists create additives for kids' foods, they usually get rid of the bitterness and increase the sweetness. Children's flavours are often twice as sweet as those made for adults. [...] The use of strong, unusual flavours is now one of the most popular trends in kids' food. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.90. * For years, the US government has argued that the colour and flavour additives widely used in processed foods are safe. That may not always be the case.<br>[...] A number of scientists now worry that eating so many different chemicals in processed foods may not be good for young children. [...] But the safety of eating a large combination of additives at every meal remains unknown. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.92, 93. * Thirty years [on from 1976], about 19,000 government-funded schools - one of every five in the United States - sell branded fast food in the cafeteria.<br>[...] 'I don't think it's healthy,' a fourteen-year-old told a reporter, 'but I eat it because it tastes good.' ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.5, at p.100. * The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault. The emphasis is on changing what the customers do, not what the fast food companies do. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.189. * Nobody is forced to buy fast food. The first step towards real change is by far the easiest. Stop buying it. [...] When you buy something from a company you are, in effect, voting for its policies and its behaviour. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.196, 197. <small>Kay Sheppard</small> * Food addiction is a progressive, chronic, and fatal disease, characterized by an inability to control the intake of specific, trigger substances. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows'' (1989) * For some people, foods can be as addictive as alcohol. Gummy bears and marshmallow chicks can be vicious killers whose effects can lead to depression, irritability and even suicide. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows: Revised & Expanded Edition'', (1993) ISBN 978-1558742765 * Recovery does not begin with calorie counting; it begins with the total elimination of the chemical triggers — refined sugar, flour, and wheat — that drive the physical craving. * Kay Sheppard, ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' (2000) * For the food addict, a single bite of a trigger food is not a treat — it is a chemical relapse that reawakens the physical obsession. ** ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' * Food addiction is characterized by an obsession with food, obsession with weight, and loss of control over the amount eaten. ** Kay Sheppard, [https://michaelprager.com/Kay-Sheppard-video-interview-food-addiction-abstinence-obesity-author-recovery video interview with journalist Michael Prager], 2013. ==T== * The brain chemistry that drives the addict to seek pleasure beyond the point of satiety is similar, whether the user favours Jack Daniels or [[w:Jack_in_the_Box|Jack-in-the-Box]]. ** Vera Tarman, ''Food Junkies: The Truth About Food Addiction'' (2014) * If food addicts could smoke or inject sugar, food addiction would be on the same playing field for researchers as cocaine or heroin. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Today I say am an addict. A respectable addict, of course. Not like the desperate addicts who have cashed in their mortgage... After all, my drug is cheap, the cheapest of all drugs, and therefore the most pernicious... And my drug is everywhere I look: in the drive-through gas station's convenience store, in the supermarket, on the lusciously displayed menu of an exclusive restaurant. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Sugar, for example, shares the same neurochemistry and neural pathways as cocaine. Sweetened chocolate mimics the effects of alcohol and opiates. Flour modulates moods and anaesthetizes pain just as many drugs do. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Obesity, eating disorders, and chemical dependency on food are three distinct and very different diseases -- and demonstrate different behaviors around food. We can categorize the corresponding behaviours of these conditions as problems that occur within the normal eating, emotional eating, and food addiction spectrums.<br>Obesity is entirely a physical problem: a result of eating too many calories while expending too few... Normal eaters simply eat too much... Normal eaters represent a large proportion of the obese. They can regulate their obesity by learning how to change the circumstances that foster poor willpower: better sleep, stress management, improving social skills, and changing a toxic food environment are only a few of the modifications that can be made...<br>Certainly, people suffering from [[w:Eating_disorder|eating disorders]] and [[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]] can also be obese, but their primary condition is not [[w:Obesity|obesity]]. In their cases, obesity is just another symptom of their emotional disturbance or their food addiction. The underlying [[w:Psychological_trauma|emotional trauma]] that drives the bulimic to stuff himself needs to be addressed first before the physical aspects of obesity can be seriously addressed; likewise, the sugar that is propelling the addictive overeater needs to be removed first before tackling any weight issues. ** ''Food Junkies'' * I believe that food addicts need the same type of support offered to alcoholics and drug addicts. They need to detoxify first and then learn about their disease, while dealing with the thoughts and feelings that arise once they are off their drug. Quite often, psychological issues do not become obvious until food addicts have been abstinent for a long period of time. That's why ongoing support is needed to prevent addicts from relapsing in a panicky effort to cope. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Withdrawal occurs once a person [[w:Whole_food|stops eating any addictive food]]. Though abstaining from foods is a contentious subject in the scientific literature, there is no question that it will cause a level of discomfort that often drives addicts back to eating...<br>The good news is that detoxification is not a long process; it only lasts for a relatively short period - between one week and four weeks...<br>Cheating by having a bite here or a spoonful there is also an excellent way to suffer withdrawal in perpetuity. Withdrawal will not end if the substance is constantly being reintroduced back into the brain reward pathway. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Feelings of deprivation, obsessions about food, and anxiety arising from unresolved trauma that was being “medicated” by the addictive foods may appear like spectres that linger, worsening before they get better. ** ''Food Junkies'' * From food addiction to food serenity - freedom tastes great! ** ''Food Junkies'' * It's not food. It's an industrially produced edible substance. ** [[w:Chris_van_Tulleken|Chris van Tulleken]], ''Ultra-Processed People: Why Do We All Eat Stuff That Isn't Food… and Why Can't We Stop?'' (2023) ISBN 978-1529160222<br>[+ ''[https://www.shortform.com/blog/ultra-processed-people-book An article about this book]''] * The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * This is the science behind how UPF affects the human body:<br>• The destruction of the food matrix by physical, chemical and thermal processing means that UPF is, in general, soft. This means you eat it fast, which means you eat far more calories per minute and don’t feel full until long after you’ve finished.<br>• UPF typically has a very high calorie density because it’s dry, and high in fat and sugar and low in fibre, so you get more calories per mouthful.<br>• It displaces diverse whole foods from the diet, especially among low-income groups. And UPF itself is often micronutrient-deficient, which may also contribute to excess consumption.<br> • The mismatch between the taste signals from the mouth and the nutrition content in some UPF alters metabolism and appetite in ways that we are only beginning to understand, but that seem to drive excess consumption.<br>• UPF is addictive, meaning that for some people binges are unavoidable.<br>• The emulsifiers, preservatives, modified starches and other additives damage the microbiome, which could allow inflammatory bacteria to flourish and cause the gut to leak.<br>• The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought, which leads to more snacking, less chewing, faster eating, increased consumption, and tooth decay.<br>• The additives and physical processing mean that UPF affects our [[w:Satiety|satiety system]] directly. Other additives may affect brain and endocrine function, and plastics from the packaging might affect fertility.<br>• The production methods used to make UPF require expensive subsidy and drive environmental destruction, carbon emissions and plastic pollution, which harm us all. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * The signals that tell you to ‘stop eating’ haven’t evolved to handle food this soft and easily digested, so soft that it’s essentially pre-chewed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * “So dominant is soy as industrial animal feed that the average person in the UK or Europe consumes approximately 61kg of soy per year, largely in the form of animal products such as chicken, pork, salmon, cheese, milk and eggs. Only 20–30 per cent of imported soy is ‘certified sustainable’ (and we have already discussed how little that means). So, if you live in the UK, there is a tennis court of land producing soy in the tropics just for you, and most of it comes from places like Brazil and Argentina where ecosystems that affect global climate are being destroyed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * It’s soft and typically calorie dense, so you eat it at a rate that your body can’t keep up with when it comes to feeling full. Things like protein isolates, refined oils and modified carbohydrates are absorbed so quickly they may not even reach the part of the gut that sends the fullness signal to the brain. They’re not things you have evolved to eat. Some of the additives are well known to cause harm – be particularly aware of emulsifiers and artificial sweeteners. Emulsifiers can thin the mucus lining of the gut, allowing faecal bacteria to leak into the blood stream and inflaming your whole body. The non-nutritive sweeteners that tell your body sugar is coming but don’t supply any calories seem to cause metabolic stress and changes to the microbiome. Other additives that affect the microbiome are maltodextrins, modified starches and lots of the gums and thickeners. Flavour enhancers (glutamate, guanylate, inosinate and ribonucleotides on ingredient lists) drive excess consumption. Again, they tell your body a lie about the nutritional content of the food you’re eating when they’re added out of context. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * In 2022, a study published in the journal ''Neurology'' looked at data from over 72,000 people. Increasing intake of UPF by 10 per cent was associated with a 25 per cent increase in the risk of dementia and a 14 per cent increase in the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * There is an apparently established fact that food isn't addictive... but here's the thing; it's not 'real' food that's addictive, it's UPF, otherwise known as these 'industrially produced edible substances'..." ** Chris van Tulleken, interviewed in ''i News'', 2023. ''"How I reprogrammed my brain to quit ultra-processed food."'' * Food addiction isn't a recognised disorder by the World Health Organisation or in the manual of psychiatric illness... But many clinicians report they have patients who experience symptoms of food addiction [where people] continue to eat [certain] foods despite trying to stop. ** Chris van Tulleken, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/upf_food_cravings BBC Food commentary, 2023], ''"There's a reason we crave ultra-processed food."'' ==W== * According to [[w:David A. Kessler|David Kessler]], the former FDA commissioner, the food industry is not just aiming to satisfy its customers. ... The industry, including the growers, concocters, testers, packagers, marketers, distributors, and retailers, is investing in ''hyperstimulating'' foods—creations with the power to keep us eating. There are scientists hard at work right now devising ways to get you to eat more than you naturally desire. ** [[w:Wendy Wood (psychologist)|Wendy Wood]], {{cite book|url=https://www.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ| isbn=9781250159083 | title=Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick | date=October 2019 | publisher=Farrar, Straus and Giroux }} [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=hyperstimulating#v=snippet&q=former%20fda%20commissioner&f=false 1st sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=keep+us+eating#v=snippet&q=keep%20us%20eating&f=false 2nd sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=scientists+hard+at+work#v=snippet&q=scientists%20hard%20at%20work&f=false 3rd sentence] * For food addicts, 'abstinence first, absolutely,' is the key to living and a good life. ** Philip Werdell, cited in [https://michaelprager.com/werdell_food_addiction_research_Acorn clinical interview by Michael Prager], "Phil Werdell: 'Abstinence first, absolutely.'" (2010) * This is the key to those who are dually diagnosed with anorexia and food addiction: they need to surrender control of both their obsession with not 'getting fat' and their specific food drugs. They need to learn to not restrict and to not overeat. ** Philip Werdell, SHiFT Recovery Clinical Paper, ''"Eating Disorders & Food Addiction"'' (2014) * Food addiction begins with physical craving. Physical craving distorts the hunger instinct for some people, making these people want more food than they need. This physical craving is a biochemical brain change caused by extra sugar or other hyper-processed foods. ** Philip Werdell, ''Food Addiction Denial: False Information and Irrational Thinking'', (2022) ISBN 978-1667853529 ==Y== [[File:Würfelzucker_--_2018_--_3564.jpg|thumb|right|To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull.]] * We have evolved a craving for sweet foods because we evolved in an environment where sweetness meant fruit, and fruit meant safety and vitamins. Now we can separate sweetness from nutrition, satisfying our palates is no longer a guarantee that we are satisfying our nutritional needs. ** [[w:John_Yudkin|John Yudkin]], ''Pure, White, and Deadly: How Sugar Is Killing Us and What We Can Do to Stop It'' (1972) ISBN 978-0-7067-0056-5 * To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' * If only a small fraction of what is already known about the effects of sugar were to be revealed about any other material used as a food additive, that material would swiftly be banned. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' == On ''[[w:Food_noise|food noise]]'' (a.k.a. food-related intrusive thoughts ("FRITs")) == * Food noise [is] 'persistent, intrusive thoughts about food that are disruptive to daily life and make healthy behaviors difficult.' ** Dr. Hanim Diktas, PhD, in ''Appetite'' (2025) [[File:Hungry_2683234.svg|thumb|right|]] * In plain language, our brains are experts at making us desire the foods and beverages we see, smell, and hear (e.g., the sound of bacon sizzling in a skillet). These motivational responses that arise from reactivity to food cues are consciously experienced as food-related cognitions and food cravings, defined as intense desires or urges to consume food. These responses can manifest regardless of physiological hunger levels and ultimately lead to increased food-seeking and consumption behaviors.<br>[...] Individual differences in reactivity to food cues might help to partially explain why some people are more susceptible than others to overeating and developing obesity when living in similar environments. For example, heightened cue reactivity, which is often assessed as self-reported preoccupation with food or measured using changes in brain response to food cues, has been observed in overweight individuals and those living with a binge-eating disorder. These data seem to indicate that similar levels of exposure to food cues might lead to different levels of food noise experienced by individuals, which manifest as rumination and obsessive preoccupation with food (i.e., FRITs) and can lead to overeating and maladaptive eating behaviors.<br>[...] our conceptual model considers two categories of potential cues: external food cues, which arise from the physical and social environment (e.g., seeing and smelling palatable foods), and internal food cues, such as those that might arise from homeostatic hunger signals (e.g., noticing that your stomach is growling) and thoughts about food and eating. ** 2023 paper by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/15/22/4809 What Is Food Noise? A Conceptual Model of Food Cue Reactivity]'' [[File:My_Mind_and_My_Thoughts_by_kartick_dutta.jpg|thumb|right|]] * This study aimed to examine the top videos on TikTok under the hashtag “FoodNoise” and explore what content creators discuss around food noise. ** Article published 29 April 2026 by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.nature.com/articles/s41387-026-00423-z “And just like that, quiet”: a content analysis of TikTok videos on food noise]'' * The struggle with obesity is not simple as a battle of willpower. The disease of obesity is complex and has a much deeper brain-gut relation than thought. The hypothalamus regulates adipocyte mass by integrating hormonal and neural signals from the gut and adipose tissue to maintain energy homeostasis. In obesity, this homeostasis becomes dysregulated, leading to persistent hunger and intrusive thoughts about eating that reflect the brain's defended higher adipocyte mass. These thoughts tend to be persistent, undesirable, or distressing in a noisy pattern patients call “food noise”. ** Abdulhameed Alhamzi, Carel W. le Roux, February 2026 - [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.70161 The Voice of a Disease: Why Food Noise Can No Longer Be Ignored!] * The basic premise of this book is that some foods are '''"intense"''' while others are '''"xtense.'''"<br>'''"Xtense" foods''' are natural foods that our bodies are able to have a reasonable and sane relationship with. We eat them until we are full and then we lose interest in them. We don't long for them or fantasise about them or try to give them up or try to limit our intake only to crack and eat them till we feel sick. Did you ever binge out on a head of cabbage followed by some beetroots and turnip mash? Nope. Thought not. Xtense foods just don't have that kind of effect. [[File:Food_Addiction_(286843160).jpg|thumb|right|]]<br>'''"Intense" foods''' however are the "crack cocaine" of the food world. Our bodies cannot deal with them. They affect our metabolism and our brain functioning so badly that we cannot apply the mealy-mouthed logic of the [[w:Food_pyramid_(nutrition)|food pyramid]] and only have them in moderation. If you've ever eaten a family bar of chocolate, or a whole packet of biscuits, or six doughnuts that were on special offer in the supermarket, all by yourself, then this is you. You have a problem with "intense" foods. I actually don't think every human being gets caught in this "intense" food trap, but if you're one of the affected, you'll know who you are.<br>Way back when I first realised I had a problem with food I longed to instead have a problem with cigarettes or even drugs or bad company because I could give them up completely, which, I told myself, would be far easier than having a food problem, as food could never be given up completely. '''This book, by categorising foods into "xtense" and "intense" allows you to do exactly that. If it's "intense", give it up. Forever.'''<br>The author doesn't have an easy index of "intense" and "xtense" foods at the back but rudimentary intelligence will allow you to figure them out yourself. Plus, I do think you have to apply your own life experience to her story and know what works for you. [...]<br> ** From a review filed on Amazon by "Northness" dated 31 March 2012, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. * I read ''Xtensity'' in one sitting and found it both fun and an eye opener. Disguised as a light novel à la Bridget Jones (if Bridget had graduated from Oxford...), '''it is actually a serious reflection on the causes of the current obesity epidemic and the futility of restricted calorie diets. The premise is as follows: evolution has conditioned us to prefer what the author calls "intense" foods, (basically sugar, salt and fat) and the food industry has exploited this evolutionary trait by incessantly peddling an ever increasing variety of attractive, cheap and readily available foods that make us fat. At the same time, our modern day obsession with thinness drives us towards the most absurd diets. However, low calorie diets do not work because evolution has also conditioned us to react to lower food intake as if fighting an impending famine: Feeling hungry triggers survival mechanisms in our body that automatically lower our energy output and produce even more fat cells. The solution is to avoid "intense" foods as much as possible and replace them with "Xtense" healthy nutritious foods. It's not easy to do, but it works.''' Goodbye Bridget Jones and Hello [[w:Arthur_De_Vany#Evolutionary_fitness|Art de Vany]]! ** From a review filed on Amazon by "MCR" dated 2 April 2014, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. == See also == * [[Addiction]] * [[Binge eating]] * [[Food]] * [[Overeating]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * Some salt/sugar/fat quotes from Michael Moss, ''"Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us"'', on [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/21520265-salt-sugar-fat-how-the-food-giants-hooked-us goodreads.com] * Discussion of [https://www.westonaprice.org/book-reviews/the-hacking-of-the-american-mind-by-dr-robert-h-lustig/#gsc.tab=0 ''"The Hacking of the American Mind: The Science Behind the Corporate Takeover of Our Bodies and Brains"''] by Dr Robert H. Lustig [[Category:Psychology]] [[Category:Eating disorders]] gpekgqqu5li2y5jbjjrsgtknihkw6vh 3955144 3955137 2026-06-21T20:58:32Z WQ-FA-2026 3343520 Added a V section. Added a quote by Voltaire. 3955144 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:USA_Obesity_2024.svg|thumb|right|]] A '''[[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]]''' (or eating addiction) is any behavioural addiction characterized primarily by the compulsive consumption of palatable and hyperpalatable food items, and potentially also sugar-sweetened beverages. Such foods often have high sugar, fat, and salt contents, and markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals. Those with eating addictions often overconsume such foods despite the adverse consequences (such as excess weight gain, diabetes, and heart disease) associated with their overconsumption. == Quotes == __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==A== <small>Peter Attia, Bill Gifford</small> * [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet#Ketogenic_die|Ketogenic diet]] means restricting carbohydrates to such an extent that the body begins metabolizing fat into "ketone bodies" that the muscles and brain can utilize as fuel. ** [[w:Peter_Attia|Peter Attia]] and Bill Gifford, ''[[w:Outlive:_The_Science_and_Art_of_Longevity|Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity]]'' (2023) * Evolution wants us to get fat when nutrients are abundant: the more energy we could store, in our ancestral past, the greater our chances of survival and successful reproduction. We needed to be able to endure periods of time without much food, and natural selection obliged, endowing us with genes that helped us conserve and store energy in the form of fat. That enabled our distant ancestors to survive periods of famine, cold climates, and physiologic stressors such as illness and pregnancy. But these genes have proved less advantageous in our present environment, where many people in the developed world have access to almost unlimited calories. ** ''Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity'' * In the late 1970s, the average American adult male weighed 173 pounds. Now the average American man tips the scale at nearly 200 pounds. ** ''Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity'' <small>Nicole Avena</small> * Heavy consumption of highly processed foods can alter dopamine and opioid neurotransmission, creating a cycle of bingeing and withdrawal. ** Nicole M. Avena, Pedro Rada, and Bartley G. Hoebel. ''Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake.'' Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews (2008) [[File:Walmart_Wenatchee.jpg|thumb|right|We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates.]] * The modern food environment acts as a constant cue, activating the reward center of the brain before the food even touches your tongue. ** Nicole M. Avena and John Talbott, ''Why Diets Fail: Because You're Addicted to Sugar'' (2014) ISBN 978-1451699708 * Our research shows that sugar can stimulate the brain's reward system in a manner similar to drugs of abuse, leading to chemical changes that mirror addiction. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''What to Eat When You're Pregnant'' (2015) ISBN 978-1607746737 * Food addiction is not a metaphor; it is a clinical reality driven by biological changes in the brain's survival circuitry. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless: A 7-Step Plan to Uncover Hidden Sugars, Curb Your Cravings, and Conquer Your Addiction'' (2023) ISBN 978-1401972172 * We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless'' (2023) ==B== [[File:William_Banting.jpg|thumb|right|''My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, [...] that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority.''<br>~ William Banting (1796-1878)]] <small>William Banting</small> * The great charm and comfort of the system is, that its effects are palpable within a week of trial, which creates a natural stimulus to persevere for a few weeks more, when the fact becomes established beyond question. ** [[w:William_Banting|William Banting]] (1796-1878), [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence ''Letter on Corpulence, Addressed to the Public'' (1864)], plus later Addenda.<br>An early historical example (1864) of '''successfully following a [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet|low-carbohydrate diet]]''' by changing what he ate, after much earlier frustration clarifying the underlying (previously medically unrecognised) problem in his particular case; thereby reducing his weight from 202 pounds to 150 pounds. Then recommending this remedial course of action to other "sufferers of corpulence". * My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, and whether it be swallowed in that form or generated in the stomach, that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Addenda First Addendum]'' to his (public) 1864 letter. * I shall always observe a careful watch upon myself to discover the effect, and act accordingly, so that, if I choose to spend a day or two with [[w:Rich_man_and_Lazarus|Dives]], so to speak, I must not forget to devote the next to Lazarus. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Concluding_addenda Second Addendum]'' to his 1864 letter. ''[i.e., that partaking of a "fattening dietary [item] occasionally" needs ideally to be tempered by a subsequent bout of compensatorily restrictive eating.]'' * My impression from the experiments I have tried on myself of late is, that saccharine matter is the great moving cause of fatty corpulence. I know that it produces in my individual case increased weight and a large amount of flatulence, and believe, that not only sugar, but all elements tending to create saccharine matter in the process of digestion, should be avoided. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' * One material point I should be glad to impress on my corpulent readers—it is, to get accurately weighed at starting upon the fresh system, and continue to do so weekly or monthly, for the change will be so truly palpable by this course of examination, that it will arm them with perfect confidence in the merit and ultimate success of the plan. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' <small>Benjamin Bikman</small> * If your [fasting] [[w:Insulin|insulin]] levels are on the low end (lower than around 6 microunits/milliliter or 41 picomoles/liter), it's a safe assumption that you're doing quite well and your insulin sensitivity is strong. You are either already adhering to smart lifestyle choices or you are young enough to get away with bad choices for now. If your insulin levels are moderately elevated (7-17 microunits/milliliter or 48 to 118 picomoles/liter), you should start making changes, particularly with the food you eat and how frequently you're eating. In the event your insulin is high (greater than 18 microunits/milliliter or 125 per picomoles/liter), you need to make changes today. ** Benjamin Bikman, ''Why We Get Sick: The Hidden Epidemic at the Root of Most Chronic Disease―and How to Fight It'' (2020) <small>Kelly D. Brownell</small> [[File:SAKURAKO_-_Are_you_Junk_Food_lover%3F_(6447206019).jpg|thumb|right|We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits.]] * We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits with toy giveaways and in-school promotions.. ** [[w:Kelly_D._Brownell|Kelly D. Brownell]], ''Food Fight: The Inside Story of the Food Industry, America's Obesity Crisis, and What We Can Do About It'' (2004) ISBN 978-0071438728 * Certain constituents of food products, added sugar in particular, may hijack the brain and override human will, judgement and personal responsibility, and in so doing create a public health menace. ** Kelly D. Brownell and Mark Gold, ''Food Addiction: A Comprehensive Handbook''. (2012) ISBN 978-0199738168 * As a culture, we've become upset by the tobacco companies advertising to children, but we sit idly by while the food companies do the very same thing. And we could make a claim that the toll taken on the public health by a poor diet rivals that taken by tobacco. ** Kelly D. Brownell. Cited in ''The New York Times Magazine'', 2013. ''[https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/the-extraordinary-science-of-addictive-junk-food.html "The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food."]'' * Portion sizes and the availability of highly processed, highly caloric food have grown dramatically... How far are you from a doughnut? ** Kelly D. Brownell. Center for Science in the Public Interest, [https://www.cspi.org/article/why-our-toxic-food-environment-matters interview, 2022]. ''"Why our toxic food environment matters."'' ==C== * Our real problem is our eating habits. What we need to change is our eating habits. The real problem is that we've been brainwashed into adopting stupid eating habits. ** [[w:Allen_Carr|Allen Carr]], ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' (1997) - at p.20, 21. * You aren't going on a diet. You are merely changing your eating habits. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.67. * Although avoiding starvation is the ultimate purpose of eating, isn't it true that each meal is prompted by a more immediate reason, such as 'I'm in the habit of eating three meals a day,' or 'I enjoy eating,' or 'Because I feel hungry, bored, nervous or miserable,' or 'Because I got the whiff of something that smelt good,' or, simply, 'The food was there and I couldn't resist it.'<br>We might eat for any one of these reasons or all of them. It's rather confusing, isn't it? And not surprising that we become overweight. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.72. * Mother Nature's only purpose in making us want to eat is that we survive. [...] The sole purpose of eating is to provide fuel and maintenance materials.<br>[But] aren't most of us in the habit of having a certain volume of food served up on our plates three times a day and then attempting to eat that volume regardless of the energy we propose to burn?<br>The point is: our bodies aren't designed to handle that surplus. [... ] Instead, we are obliged to store it in the form of unsightly bulges around our midriffs and elsewhere, and that's why we become overweight and obese.<br>We can now concentrate all of our attention on one aspect and one aspect alone: Our intake. [...] Provided the intake is correct the rest takes care of itself. [...] [So] tamper with... the type and quantity of food that you eat. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.73, 74, 75, 76 * [104] If you stick to the principle of eating when you are hungry and stopping when you have satisfied that hunger, you will not only enjoy every meal, but you will have no weight problems. However, I would emphasize that I said stop eating when you have satisfied your hunger, and not your gluttony. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.104 * ''How to lose weight and keep it off''<br>+ The most important thing is to change your mentality and approach rather than simply changing what you eat.<br>+ Correcting the misconceptions that keep you trapped eating the wrong foods that cause you to not only gain weight but also feel tired, miserable and unfit is essential.<br>+ Get your head right and it’s easy to lose weight (and keep it off).<br>As long as you change your thinking and see the food that has made you overweight for what it is; poisonous, toxic, and addictive junk that’s made you ill, you’ll find it easy. ** Some points from the [https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-weight-loss/how-do-i-lose-weight-and-keep-it-off allencarr.com website] ==F== <small>'''Dr Jason Fung'''</small> * The basics of good nutrition can be summarized in these simple rules. Eat whole, unprocessed foods. Avoid sugar. Avoid refined grains. Eat a diet high in natural fats. Balance feeding with [[w:Fasting|fasting]]. ** [[w:Jason_Fung|Jason Fung]], ''The Complete Guide to Fasting: Heal Your Body Through Intermittent, Alternate-Day, and Extended Fasting'' (2016) [[File:Quote_on_Fasting_from_Rumi.jpg|thumb|right|<br>Balance feeding with fasting.<br><br>We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast.]] * We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * [In cases where] too much insulin causes obesity, then it becomes clear we need to lower insulin levels. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * Caloric reduction and portion-control strategies only make you tired and hungry. Worst of all...''you regain all the weight you have lost.'' I know it. You know it.<br>[...] Losing weight triggers two important responses. First, total energy expenditure is immediately and indefinitely reduced in order to conserve the available energy. Second, hormonal hunger signaling is immediately and indefinitely amplified in an effort to acquire more food. Weight loss results in increased hunger and decreased metabolism. This evolutionary survival strategy has a single purpose: ''to make us regain the lost weight''.<br>[...] Eating less does not result in lasting weight loss. It. Just. Does. Not. Work. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss (2016)'' - Part 2, at Chapter 3, p.41, 45, 47. * Obesity is a hormonal disorder of fat regulation. Insulin is the major hormone that drives weight gain, so the rational therapy is to ''lower insulin levels''. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code'' - Part 6, at Chapter 19, p.219. * Reduce your consumption of added sugars. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.219. * Just don't snack<br> The healthy snack is one of the greatest weight-loss deceptions. The myth that ‘grazing is healthy’ has attained legendary status. If we were meant to ‘graze’, we would be cows. Grazing is the direct opposite of virtually all food traditions. Even as recently as the 1960s, most people still ate just three meals per day. Constant stimulation of insulin eventually leads to insulin resistance.<br>[...] Stop eating all the time.<br>[...] Are snacks necessary? No.<br>[...] There's a simple answer to the question of what to eat at snack time. Nothing. Don't eat snacks. Period. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.222, 223. * Eat whole, unprocessed foods at all meals. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.225. * Reduce your consumption of refined grains. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.228. [[File:Quote_From_Plato_About_Fasting.jpg|thumb|right|<br>There is one more piece to the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago.<br><br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.]] * The last piece of the puzzle<br>All diets work in the short term. But we've been ignoring the long-term problem of insulin resistance. There is one more piece of the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago. A practice that has been enshrined in the nutritional lore of virtually every population on earth. A tradition rapidly becoming extinct.<br>Two major factors maintain our insulin at a high level. The first is the foods that we eat - which are what we usually change when we go on a diet. But we fail to address the other factor: the long-term problem of insulin resistance. This problem is one of meal timing.<br>To succeed, we must break the insulin-resistance cycle. But how?<br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.<br>When we talk about fasting to break insulin resistance and lose weight, we are talking about intermittent fasts of twenty-four to thirty-six hours.<br>The remainder of this chapter will be devoted to addressing the health concerns around fasting - which, the research shows us, is a beneficial practice. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19 at p.233, 234. Ch.20 at p.235, 236. * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/@DrJasonFung <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung - YouTube Channel]'''</small><br> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqZsS03dlPk <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung: Beginner's Guide to Intermittent Fasting] (2020) (10 mins)'''</small> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ8ihAntvbI <u>On YouTube</u>: "Dr. Jason Fung: The Best Fasting Method for Visceral Fat and Insulin Resistance has Been Discovered"] (2026) (2h 12 mins)'''</small> ==G== <small>Ashley Gearhardt</small> [[File:Junk_Food_Addiction_(286918378).jpg|thumb|right|"People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice. They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly."<br><br>"These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances."]] * Right now, we're kind of like, 'just eat these foods in moderation.' And for the people for whom consumption of these foods has become compulsive, it's like telling people with alcohol use disorder to just find a way to drink in moderation. ** Ashley Gearhardt, National Institutes of Health [https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2024/02/dr-ashley-gearhardt-addiction-ultra-processed-foods (NIH) interview, 2024]. ''"Dr. Ashley Gearhardt on Addiction and Ultra-Processed Foods."'' * “People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice,” said lead author University of Michigan professor of psychology Ashley Gearhardt, Ph.D. “They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly.” ** Quoted on the [https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-outlook/202403/addicted-to-food ''Psychology Today''] website. * These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances. ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * The younger you are when you're exposed to an addictive substance, the more likely you are to have problems... Kids are being exposed to this and aggressively marketed to... it's setting them up where this is one of the major sources of reward, sources of ways to cope. ** ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * What has happened in modern times is that previously healthy [[w:whole foods|whole foods]] have been largely replaced by [[w:Ultra-processed_food|ultra-processed foods]], which are high in pure sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, salt, and the wrong types of fats.<br>The reasons that our bodies crave these foods is because they are loaded with ingredients that tap into the pleasure centers in our brain, the so-called dopamine reward pathway, which is the same pathway that street drugs like cocaine tap into. ** [https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2024/09/why-do-we-crave-junk-food-diet-psychology The Harvard Gazette.] ''"Why we crave junk food—and how to cultivate healthier eating habits."'' * ''Mills'': "What's the difference between being addicted to food and just liking to indulge in treats more than you should? How can you tell if someone meets the threshold for addiction?"<br>''Gearhardt'': "...I took our diagnostic criteria that we have in the [[w:Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders|DSM]] to try and dissociate between social drinkers and somebody who's actually addicted to alcohol. And I've applied that to the intake of these really highly processed foods with unnatural levels of refined carbohydrates and fats. And so, the hallmarks of addiction that I'm looking for are a loss of control over intake.<br>[...] Having more of a sense of your cues and your reactions can start to give you some of your power back.<br>[...] Right now, we're at where I see we've been with a lot of addictions in the past, which is that it's just a focus on willpower: 'You just have to try a little harder, calories in calories out.' And what it's ignoring is that there's a trillion dollar industry that is using its research and development budget to specifically design these highly processed foods to trigger unnaturally intense levels of reward in your brain in a way that makes it hard to manage. And that if this is triggering this addictive compulsive pull, it's not just an adult choice, but really the result of a toxic environment really pushing a risky food substance that we're not well informed about. And so, that seems to actually be somewhat helpful in reducing stigma and reducing the belief that people just aren't trying hard enough and it's just a matter of willpower.<br>[...] It's clearly not all foods. It's clearly this subset of highly processed foods that are unnatural, highly refined, highly rewarding products. And that's what people get hooked on. [...] People are really struggling to get a handle on their relationship with these foods, even in the face of really stark consequences." ** [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association.] ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food? With Ashley Gearhardt, PhD."'' * "And some of the behaviors that we see that people report is that they really struggle to maintain their control once they start eating some of these foods. [...] There's a tendency that even if you have some pretty significant negative consequences, health consequences, emotional consequences-you keep returning to that same dietary pattern. [...] Because the foods themselves seem to have kind of taken an oversized view in their world. They really start kind [of] driving their eating behavior and sometimes driving their entire life.<br>[...] From a public health perspective, the biggest concern is if these foods have enough of an addictive pull, they trigger enough of a response that you really struggle to eat in moderation. That says, on a broad scale, people are struggling with their relationship with these foods in a way that increases health-related problems." ** [https://wfpc.sanford.duke.edu/podcasts/ashley-gearhardt-food-addiction Duke University, ''World Food Policy Center''] ''"Ashley Gearhardt on Food Addiction and You… Yes, You."'' * We just blame it on the individual for a while and say 'oh, you know, just smoke in moderation, drink in moderation' – and eventually we get to a point where we understand the levers that the industry can pull to create products that can really hook people. ** Ashley Gearhardt, University of Michigan [https://lsa.umich.edu/psych/news-events/all-news/faculty-news/ultra-processed-foods-should-be-treated-more-like-cigarettes-tha.html clinical commentary, 2026]. ''"Ultra-processed foods should be treated more like cigarettes than food."'' <small>Stephan J. Guyenet</small> * In 1980, the US Department of Health and Human Services and the US Department of Agriculture released a document titled [https://www.dietaryguidelines.gov/sites/default/files/2019-05/1980%20DGA.pdf Dietary Guidelines for Americans].<br>[...] If you followed the ''Guidelines'' faithfully, you would end up eating a diet that's not very different from what most nutrition professionals recommend today: primarily whole grains, beans, potatoes, vegetables, fruits, nuts, lean meat, seafood, and dairy, with little added fat, sugar, or highly processed foods.<br>[...] Seems pretty reasonable. Yet you know what happened next: We got fatter. Between 1980 and today, the US obesity rate more than doubled.<br>[...] Against the advice of the ''Guidelines'', our intake of soda, refined sugar, refined starch, added fats, and highly processed food skyrocketed, along with our calorie intake. ** Stephan J. Guyenet, ''[[w:The_Hungry_Brain|The Hungry Brain: Outsmarting the Instincts That Make Us Overeat]]'' (2017) ISBN 1-250-08119-X - Introduction, at p.1, 2, 3. [Page numbers are from the 2017 Vermilion edition.] * Information alone isn't always an effective way to change behavior.<br>[...] If our everyday eating behavior is primarily guided by brain systems that aren't so rational, information alone shouldn't be a very effective way to change it, no matter how accurate, clear, and compelling it is. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.3. * The [[w:Thinking,_Fast_and_Slow|conflict between the conscious and nonconscious brain]] explains why we overeat even though we don't want to. Although we try to control our behavior using the conscious parts of our brains, the nonconscious parts work to undermine our good intentions.<br>[...] What circuits are actually in charge of our everyday eating behavior, and how do they work? If we can answer these questions, we can understand why we make destructive food choices in the modern world, and how to stop. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.4. * While a calorie-seeking brain is an asset when calories are hard to come by, it's a liability when we're drowning in food. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.5. * To understand food addiction, we need to examine the ''types'' of foods that trigger addiction-like behavior. As it turns out, people don't become addicted to celery and lentils. What foods are they drawn to instead? The following quote by [Ashley] Gearhardt and [Kelly] Brownell sheds light on the question:<br>''High concentrations of sugar, refined carbohydrates (bread, white rice, pasta made with white flour), fats (butter, lard, margarine), salt, and caffeine are addictive substances and the foods containing these ingredients may be consumed in a manner consistent with addictive behavior. Just like drugs of abuse, these food substances may not be addictive until they are processed, extracted, highly refined and concentrated by modern industrial processes; meanwhile, combinations of these look-like-food substances may greatly enhance their addictive qualities.''<br>Although it's controversial to call these foods addictive, it is fair to say that they provoke [[w:Dopamine|dopamine]] release in the [[w:Striatum#Ventral_striatum|ventral striatum]]. And the more concentrated they are, the more dopamine they release. The more dopamine they release, the more they [[w:Reinforcement|reinforce behavior]], and the more they reinforce behavior, the closer they bring us to addiction. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.54-55. [[File:Wanita_buncit.jpg|thumb|right|"If you find something really rewarding and you have really poor impulse control, you're in a lot of trouble."<br><br>~ Leonard Epstein]] * Drug abuse research suggests that a person's susceptibility to addiction depends not only on how [[w:Reinforcement|reinforcing]] the drug is for him but also on his ability to control his behavior in response to a craving—in other words, his ''[[w:Impulsivity|impulsivity]]''. Impulsivity describes a person's ability—or lack thereof—to suppress or ignore basic urges that are beyond conscious control. It's the opposite of what we commonly call [[w:Self-control|self-control]].<br>[...] As [Leonard] Epstein puts it, "If you find something really rewarding and you have really poor impulse control, you're in a lot of trouble." Epstein coined the term ''reinforcement pathology'' to describe the dangerous combination of high reinforcement sensitivity and high impulsivity. [...] This may identify why some people are more susceptible to food addiction than others, despite the fact that we're all exposed to potentially addictive foods. [...] On the other hand, people who have a high [relative reinforcing value of food] but who aren't impulsive ... aren't at an increased risk of overeating or weight gain. "If you have really good self-control," explains Epstein, you can overcome the reward value, and you can be a foodie: someone who loves food, who's a gourmet cook, but who is lean because they can regulate the amount of food."<br>[...] The same principles of reinforcement and impulsivity should still apply to nonaddicted people. Even if you aren't actually addicted to potato chips, you may still be drawn to eat them when you aren't hungry, and your ability to suppress that urge when they're available will influence how much of them you eat. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.67, 68. * [Leonard] Epstein is quick to point out that there's a third important factor in addition to [relative reinforcing value of food] and impulsivity: the presence of highly rewarding food in your personal environment. [...] The deadliest combination occurs when an impulsive person with a high food reward sensivity lives in an environment that's bursting at the seams with highly rewarding foods. And as we will soon see, the United States qualifies as such an environment. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.68. ==H== * Food is not just calories, it is information; it talks to your DNA and tells it what to do. And junk food speaks a language of disease, inflammation, and addiction. ** [[w:Mark_Hyman_(doctor)|Mark Hyman]], ''The Blood Sugar Solution: The UltraHealthy Program for Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Feeling Great Now'' (2012) ISBN 978-0-316-12737-0 [[File:Varsity_ordering_lines.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked.]] * Sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine. It hijacks your brain chemistry and your taste buds, driving you to eat more and more, even when you know it's killing you. ** Mark Hyman, ''The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet: Activate Your Body's Natural Ability to Burn Fat and Lose Weight Fast'' (2014) ISBN 978-0-316-23002-5 * The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food: What the Heck Should I Eat? The No-nonsense Guide to Achieving Optimal Weight and Lifelong Health.'' (2018) ISBN 978-0-316-33886-8 * Willpower is a myth. You cannot use willpower to override a biological addiction. If your hormones and brain chemistry are hijacked by sugar, biology will win every single time. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food Fix: How to Save Our Health, Our Economy, Our Communities, and Our Planet—One Bite at a Time'' (2020) ISBN 978-0-316-45317-2 ==K== * Modern foods... are designed not to satisfy, but rather to stimulate the reward pathways in the brain, conditioning us to crave more food. ** [[w:David_A._Kessler|David Kessler]], ''The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite'' (2009) ISBN 1-60529-785-2 * The more rewarding the food, the greater the attention we direct toward it, and the more vigorously we pursue it. ** ''The End of Overeating'' * Because this kind of food disappears down our throats so quickly after the first bite, it readily overrides the body's signals that should tell us 'I'm full.' ** ''The End of Overeating'' [[File:Whole_Foods_Market_Massapequa_NY.jpg|thumb|right|Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated.]] * America has become a food fun house... a carnival of delicious, fatty, salty, sugary, and, more to the point, accessible and cheap delights. How could you expect to go to the carnival and not want to go on the rides? ** ''The End of Overeating'' * We live in a world of foods designed to be addictive, driving biological instincts that provoke overeating and the food noise of daily existence. ** ** David Kessler, ''Diet, Drugs, and Dopamine: The New Science of Achieving a Healthy Weight'' (2025) ISBN 1250381274 * "Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated." ** David Kessler. [https://www.npr.org/2009/05/06/103862714/why-do-we-overeat-author-blames-fat-sugar-salt National Public Radio (NPR) interview, 2009. ''"Why do we overeat? Author blames fat, sugar, salt."''] ==L== * Food is beyond a necessity; it's also a commodity, and it has been reformulated to be an addictive substance. ** [[w:Robert_Lustig|Robert Lustig]], ''Fat Chance: Beating the Odds against Sugar, Processed Food, Obesity, and Disease.'' New York: Hudson Street Press. (2012) * If we don't understand what's actually happening to our brains, we become prey to industries that capitalize on our addictions in the name of selling happiness. ** Robert Lustig, ''The Hacking of the American Mind''. Avery (2017) - ISBN 978-1-101-98258-7 * Overeating doesn't make us fat. The process of becoming fat makes us overeat. ** [[w:David_Ludwig_(physician)|David Ludwig]], ''Always Hungry?: Conquer Cravings, Retrain Your Fat Cells, and Lose Weight Permanently''. (2016) * Hunger isn't a passing feeling. It's a primal biological signal that the body needs fuel. Very hard to ignore over the long term. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * In the battle between mind and metabolism, you are destined to lose the battle with your body. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * ''[On the illusion of the "calorie"]'' Forget calories. Focus on quality. Let your body do the rest. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * For breakfast, you could have a bowl of cornflakes with no added sugar, or a bowl of sugar with no added cornflakes. They would taste different but, below the neck, act more or less the same. ** ''Always Hungry?'' ==M== [[File:Junk_Food.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.']] * The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.' ** [[w:Michael_Moss|Michael Moss]], ''[[w:Salt,_Sugar,_Fat:_How_the_Food_Giants_Hooked_Us|Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us]]''. Random House (2013) ISBN 978-0812982190, ISBN 0812982193 * They are not just making food; they are designing products with a 'fast-fading flavor' that leaves the brain tricked into wanting more, making moderation nearly impossible. ** ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us'' * Our brains are hardwired to remember where we found calorie-dense foods, and the modern grocery store exploits this evolutionary survival mechanism every single day. ** Michael Moss, ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions''. W. H. Allen & Co. (2021) ISBN 978-0753556344, ISBN 0753556340 * When it comes to the speed at which it hits the brain, processed food makes tobacco look slow. The reward signal is instantaneous, reinforcing the addictive loop before you even finish chewing. ** ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions'' ==O== * Would it not be better if they spent more money on wholesome things like oranges and wholemeal bread or if they even, like the writer of the letter to the New Statesman, saved on fuel and ate their carrots raw? Yes, it would, but the point is that no ordinary human being is ever going to do such a thing. The ordinary human being would sooner starve than live on brown bread and raw carrots. '''And the peculiar evil is this, that the less money you have, the less inclined you feel to spend it on wholesome food.''' A millionaire may enjoy breakfasting off orange juice and Ryvita biscuits; an unemployed man doesn't. Here the tendency of which I spoke at the end of the last chapter comes into play. When you are unemployed, which is to say '''when you are underfed, harassed, bored, and miserable, you don't want to eat dull wholesome food. You want something a little bit 'tasty'. There is always some cheaply pleasant thing to tempt you.''' ** [[w:George_Orwell|George Orwell]], [[w:The_Road_to_Wigan_Pier|The Road to Wigan Pier]] (1937) (from Pt. 1, Ch. 6.) ==P== <small>Susan Peirce Thompson</small> * Food addiction isn't a character flaw or a lack of willpower; it is a predictable biological response to modern engineered foods in a brain that is highly susceptible. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free''. (2017) ISBN 978-1401952532 * Refined sugar and refined flour are not foods — they are highly purified, fast-acting chemicals that hijack the reward pathways of the brain in the exact same manner as drugs of abuse. ** ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free'' * When the brain is flooded with dopamine from hyper-palatable foods, the resulting insulin spikes block leptin from reaching the hypothalamus, leaving the individual in a state of perpetual, biological starvation. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''The Official Bright Line Eating Cookbook: Weight Loss Made Simple''. (2019) ISBN 978-1401956790 * For someone with a highly susceptible food-addict brain, the advice to 'eat everything in moderation' is not just useless; it is biologically impossible and psychologically damaging. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''ReZolve: The Science of Re-Wiring Your Brain to Resolve Weight and Food Issues''. (2025) ISBN 978-1401977719 <small>David Perlmutter</small> * If you cannot control your hunger and appetite, good luck managing your blood chemistry, metabolism, waistline, and, in the bigger picture, the prospect of crippling your brain. ** [[w:David_Perlmutter|David Perlmutter]], ''Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar--Your Brain's Silent Killers'' (2013) * The food we eat goes beyond its macronutrients of carbohydrates, fat and protein. It's information. It interacts with and instructs our genome with every mouthful, changing genetic expression. ** David Perlmutter, ''Brain Maker: The Power of Gut Microbes to Heal and Protect Your Brain–for Life'' (2015) ISBN 978-0316380102 * "Shop the periphery of the grocery store. Anything with an ingredient list is suspect... [Ultra-processed foods] aren’t just empty—they’re addictive, designed to light up your brain’s reward system like a slot machine. ** David_Perlmutter, Clinical Commentary Archive, ''[https://drperlmutter.com/ultra-processed-foods-threaten-brain "Ultra-Processed Foods Threaten Your Brain"]'' (2024) <small>Lulu Hunt Peters</small> * A good way to show [your stomach] that you are master is to fast for at least one day—drink nothing but pure water, hot or cold, as you prefer. ** [[w:Lulu_Hunt_Peters|Lulu Hunt Peters]], ''Diet and Health: With Key to the Calories'' (1918), at [https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/15069/pg15069-images.html#Chapter8 Chapter 8] ''("At last. How to Reduce.")'' <small>Michael Pollan</small> * Cooking for yourself is the only sure way to take back control of your diet from the food scientists and food processors, and to guarantee you're eating real food rather than edible foodlike substances, with their unhealthy oils, high-fructose corn syrup, and surfeit of salt. ** [[w:Michael Pollan|Michael Pollan]], ''[[w:In_Defense_of_Food|In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto]]'' (2008) ISBN 978-1594201455 * You're better off eating the real thing in moderation than binging on 'lite' food products that pack less flavor but more chemical additives. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Food_Rules:_An_Eater%27s_Manual|Food Rules: An Eater's Manual]]'' (2009) ISBN 978-0143116387 * If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't. ** ''Food Rules: An Eater's Manual'' * The most important thing about your diet is who cooks it, a human or a corporation. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Cooked:_A_Natural_History_of_Transformation|Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation]]'' (2013) ISBN 978-1594204210 ==S== <small>Eric Schlosser, with Charles Wilson</small> * The point of this book is to take that strong impulse we all feel - our hunger for sweet, salty, fatty fast foods - and make you think about it. ''Chew On This'' will tell you where fast food comes from, who makes it, what's in it and what happens when you eat it. This is a book about fast food and the world it has made. ** [[w:Eric_Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]] and Charles Wilson, ''Chew on This: Everything You Don't Want to Know about Fast Food.'' (2006), ISBN 13: 978-0-618-59394-1 (Houghton Miffin Harcourt). ISBN-10: 0-141-31844-9 (Penguin Books). Introduction, at page 2. (Page numbers from the 2006 Penguin edition.)<br>The book is an adaptation of an earlier Eric Schlosser book, ''[[w:Fast_Food_Nation|Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal]]'' (2001), aimed at younger readers. [[File:Fast_food_love.jpg|thumb|right|By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.]] * Fast food may look like the sort of food people have always eaten, but it's different. It's not the kind of food you can make in your kitchen from scratch. Fast food is something radically new. Indeed, the food we eat has changed more during the past thirty years than during the previous 30,000 years.<br>[...] For the most part, fast food tastes pretty good. That's one of the main reasons people like to eat it. Fast food has been carefully designed to taste good.<br>[...] Chew on this: people should know what lies beneath the shiny happy surface of every fast food restaurant. They should know what really lurks between those sesame seed buns. As the old saying goes: you are what you eat. ** ''Chew on This'' - Introduction, at pages 4, 5. * At first, man-made flavour additives were mainly used in baked goods, candies and soft drinks. And then, during the mid-fifties, sales of processed food began to soar. By the mid-1960s, the American flavour industry was churning out compounds to supply the taste of Pop Tarts, Hamburger Helper, Bac-O-Bits, Tab, Tango, Filet-O-Fish burgers and literally thousands of other products.<br>[...] By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.<br>[...] Flavours are created by blending many chemicals in tiny amounts. [...] The taste of a food can be changed enormously by tiny changes in the flavouring mix.<br>In order to give a processed food the right taste, a flavourist must always consider the food's 'mouthfeel' - the combination of textures that you notice as you eat it. The mouthfeel can be adjusted through the use of different fats, gums and starches. ** ''Chew on This'' - Chapter 4, at pages 84, 86, 87-88. [[File:Obesity_in_the_US_(4014987104).jpg|thumb|right|The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault.]] * During the past two decades the flavour industry's role in food production has become so influential that many children now like man-made flavours more than the real thing. [...] When flavourists create additives for kids' foods, they usually get rid of the bitterness and increase the sweetness. Children's flavours are often twice as sweet as those made for adults. [...] The use of strong, unusual flavours is now one of the most popular trends in kids' food. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.90. * For years, the US government has argued that the colour and flavour additives widely used in processed foods are safe. That may not always be the case.<br>[...] A number of scientists now worry that eating so many different chemicals in processed foods may not be good for young children. [...] But the safety of eating a large combination of additives at every meal remains unknown. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.92, 93. * Thirty years [on from 1976], about 19,000 government-funded schools - one of every five in the United States - sell branded fast food in the cafeteria.<br>[...] 'I don't think it's healthy,' a fourteen-year-old told a reporter, 'but I eat it because it tastes good.' ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.5, at p.100. * The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault. The emphasis is on changing what the customers do, not what the fast food companies do. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.189. * Nobody is forced to buy fast food. The first step towards real change is by far the easiest. Stop buying it. [...] When you buy something from a company you are, in effect, voting for its policies and its behaviour. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.196, 197. <small>Kay Sheppard</small> * Food addiction is a progressive, chronic, and fatal disease, characterized by an inability to control the intake of specific, trigger substances. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows'' (1989) * For some people, foods can be as addictive as alcohol. Gummy bears and marshmallow chicks can be vicious killers whose effects can lead to depression, irritability and even suicide. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows: Revised & Expanded Edition'', (1993) ISBN 978-1558742765 * Recovery does not begin with calorie counting; it begins with the total elimination of the chemical triggers — refined sugar, flour, and wheat — that drive the physical craving. * Kay Sheppard, ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' (2000) * For the food addict, a single bite of a trigger food is not a treat — it is a chemical relapse that reawakens the physical obsession. ** ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' * Food addiction is characterized by an obsession with food, obsession with weight, and loss of control over the amount eaten. ** Kay Sheppard, [https://michaelprager.com/Kay-Sheppard-video-interview-food-addiction-abstinence-obesity-author-recovery video interview with journalist Michael Prager], 2013. ==T== * The brain chemistry that drives the addict to seek pleasure beyond the point of satiety is similar, whether the user favours Jack Daniels or [[w:Jack_in_the_Box|Jack-in-the-Box]]. ** Vera Tarman, ''Food Junkies: The Truth About Food Addiction'' (2014) * If food addicts could smoke or inject sugar, food addiction would be on the same playing field for researchers as cocaine or heroin. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Today I say am an addict. A respectable addict, of course. Not like the desperate addicts who have cashed in their mortgage... After all, my drug is cheap, the cheapest of all drugs, and therefore the most pernicious... And my drug is everywhere I look: in the drive-through gas station's convenience store, in the supermarket, on the lusciously displayed menu of an exclusive restaurant. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Sugar, for example, shares the same neurochemistry and neural pathways as cocaine. Sweetened chocolate mimics the effects of alcohol and opiates. Flour modulates moods and anaesthetizes pain just as many drugs do. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Obesity, eating disorders, and chemical dependency on food are three distinct and very different diseases -- and demonstrate different behaviors around food. We can categorize the corresponding behaviours of these conditions as problems that occur within the normal eating, emotional eating, and food addiction spectrums.<br>Obesity is entirely a physical problem: a result of eating too many calories while expending too few... Normal eaters simply eat too much... Normal eaters represent a large proportion of the obese. They can regulate their obesity by learning how to change the circumstances that foster poor willpower: better sleep, stress management, improving social skills, and changing a toxic food environment are only a few of the modifications that can be made...<br>Certainly, people suffering from [[w:Eating_disorder|eating disorders]] and [[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]] can also be obese, but their primary condition is not [[w:Obesity|obesity]]. In their cases, obesity is just another symptom of their emotional disturbance or their food addiction. The underlying [[w:Psychological_trauma|emotional trauma]] that drives the bulimic to stuff himself needs to be addressed first before the physical aspects of obesity can be seriously addressed; likewise, the sugar that is propelling the addictive overeater needs to be removed first before tackling any weight issues. ** ''Food Junkies'' * I believe that food addicts need the same type of support offered to alcoholics and drug addicts. They need to detoxify first and then learn about their disease, while dealing with the thoughts and feelings that arise once they are off their drug. Quite often, psychological issues do not become obvious until food addicts have been abstinent for a long period of time. That's why ongoing support is needed to prevent addicts from relapsing in a panicky effort to cope. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Withdrawal occurs once a person [[w:Whole_food|stops eating any addictive food]]. Though abstaining from foods is a contentious subject in the scientific literature, there is no question that it will cause a level of discomfort that often drives addicts back to eating...<br>The good news is that detoxification is not a long process; it only lasts for a relatively short period - between one week and four weeks...<br>Cheating by having a bite here or a spoonful there is also an excellent way to suffer withdrawal in perpetuity. Withdrawal will not end if the substance is constantly being reintroduced back into the brain reward pathway. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Feelings of deprivation, obsessions about food, and anxiety arising from unresolved trauma that was being “medicated” by the addictive foods may appear like spectres that linger, worsening before they get better. ** ''Food Junkies'' * From food addiction to food serenity - freedom tastes great! ** ''Food Junkies'' * It's not food. It's an industrially produced edible substance. ** [[w:Chris_van_Tulleken|Chris van Tulleken]], ''Ultra-Processed People: Why Do We All Eat Stuff That Isn't Food… and Why Can't We Stop?'' (2023) ISBN 978-1529160222<br>[+ ''[https://www.shortform.com/blog/ultra-processed-people-book An article about this book]''] * The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * This is the science behind how UPF affects the human body:<br>• The destruction of the food matrix by physical, chemical and thermal processing means that UPF is, in general, soft. This means you eat it fast, which means you eat far more calories per minute and don’t feel full until long after you’ve finished.<br>• UPF typically has a very high calorie density because it’s dry, and high in fat and sugar and low in fibre, so you get more calories per mouthful.<br>• It displaces diverse whole foods from the diet, especially among low-income groups. And UPF itself is often micronutrient-deficient, which may also contribute to excess consumption.<br> • The mismatch between the taste signals from the mouth and the nutrition content in some UPF alters metabolism and appetite in ways that we are only beginning to understand, but that seem to drive excess consumption.<br>• UPF is addictive, meaning that for some people binges are unavoidable.<br>• The emulsifiers, preservatives, modified starches and other additives damage the microbiome, which could allow inflammatory bacteria to flourish and cause the gut to leak.<br>• The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought, which leads to more snacking, less chewing, faster eating, increased consumption, and tooth decay.<br>• The additives and physical processing mean that UPF affects our [[w:Satiety|satiety system]] directly. Other additives may affect brain and endocrine function, and plastics from the packaging might affect fertility.<br>• The production methods used to make UPF require expensive subsidy and drive environmental destruction, carbon emissions and plastic pollution, which harm us all. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * The signals that tell you to ‘stop eating’ haven’t evolved to handle food this soft and easily digested, so soft that it’s essentially pre-chewed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * “So dominant is soy as industrial animal feed that the average person in the UK or Europe consumes approximately 61kg of soy per year, largely in the form of animal products such as chicken, pork, salmon, cheese, milk and eggs. Only 20–30 per cent of imported soy is ‘certified sustainable’ (and we have already discussed how little that means). So, if you live in the UK, there is a tennis court of land producing soy in the tropics just for you, and most of it comes from places like Brazil and Argentina where ecosystems that affect global climate are being destroyed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * It’s soft and typically calorie dense, so you eat it at a rate that your body can’t keep up with when it comes to feeling full. Things like protein isolates, refined oils and modified carbohydrates are absorbed so quickly they may not even reach the part of the gut that sends the fullness signal to the brain. They’re not things you have evolved to eat. Some of the additives are well known to cause harm – be particularly aware of emulsifiers and artificial sweeteners. Emulsifiers can thin the mucus lining of the gut, allowing faecal bacteria to leak into the blood stream and inflaming your whole body. The non-nutritive sweeteners that tell your body sugar is coming but don’t supply any calories seem to cause metabolic stress and changes to the microbiome. Other additives that affect the microbiome are maltodextrins, modified starches and lots of the gums and thickeners. Flavour enhancers (glutamate, guanylate, inosinate and ribonucleotides on ingredient lists) drive excess consumption. Again, they tell your body a lie about the nutritional content of the food you’re eating when they’re added out of context. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * In 2022, a study published in the journal ''Neurology'' looked at data from over 72,000 people. Increasing intake of UPF by 10 per cent was associated with a 25 per cent increase in the risk of dementia and a 14 per cent increase in the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * There is an apparently established fact that food isn't addictive... but here's the thing; it's not 'real' food that's addictive, it's UPF, otherwise known as these 'industrially produced edible substances'..." ** Chris van Tulleken, interviewed in ''i News'', 2023. ''"How I reprogrammed my brain to quit ultra-processed food."'' * Food addiction isn't a recognised disorder by the World Health Organisation or in the manual of psychiatric illness... But many clinicians report they have patients who experience symptoms of food addiction [where people] continue to eat [certain] foods despite trying to stop. ** Chris van Tulleken, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/upf_food_cravings BBC Food commentary, 2023], ''"There's a reason we crave ultra-processed food."'' ==V== * Animals feel pleasure in performing all the functions for which they are destined... There is great pleasure in eating and drinking... but it is clear that if man were always eating... his organs could not sustain it. ** [[w:Voltaire|Voltaire]], ''[[w:Dictionnaire_philosophique|Dictionnaire philosophique]]'', (1764).<br>''[https://fr.wikisource.org/wiki/Dictionnaire_philosophique/Garnier_(1878)/Bien_souverain_bien ("Les animaux ressentent du plaisir à faire toutes les fonctions auxquelles ils sont destinés... Il y a un grand plaisir à manger et à boire... mais il est clair que si l'homme mangeait toujours... ses organes n'y pourraient suffire.")]'' ==W== * According to [[w:David A. Kessler|David Kessler]], the former FDA commissioner, the food industry is not just aiming to satisfy its customers. ... The industry, including the growers, concocters, testers, packagers, marketers, distributors, and retailers, is investing in ''hyperstimulating'' foods—creations with the power to keep us eating. There are scientists hard at work right now devising ways to get you to eat more than you naturally desire. ** [[w:Wendy Wood (psychologist)|Wendy Wood]], {{cite book|url=https://www.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ| isbn=9781250159083 | title=Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick | date=October 2019 | publisher=Farrar, Straus and Giroux }} [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=hyperstimulating#v=snippet&q=former%20fda%20commissioner&f=false 1st sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=keep+us+eating#v=snippet&q=keep%20us%20eating&f=false 2nd sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=scientists+hard+at+work#v=snippet&q=scientists%20hard%20at%20work&f=false 3rd sentence] * For food addicts, 'abstinence first, absolutely,' is the key to living and a good life. ** Philip Werdell, cited in [https://michaelprager.com/werdell_food_addiction_research_Acorn clinical interview by Michael Prager], "Phil Werdell: 'Abstinence first, absolutely.'" (2010) * This is the key to those who are dually diagnosed with anorexia and food addiction: they need to surrender control of both their obsession with not 'getting fat' and their specific food drugs. They need to learn to not restrict and to not overeat. ** Philip Werdell, SHiFT Recovery Clinical Paper, ''"Eating Disorders & Food Addiction"'' (2014) * Food addiction begins with physical craving. Physical craving distorts the hunger instinct for some people, making these people want more food than they need. This physical craving is a biochemical brain change caused by extra sugar or other hyper-processed foods. ** Philip Werdell, ''Food Addiction Denial: False Information and Irrational Thinking'', (2022) ISBN 978-1667853529 ==Y== [[File:Würfelzucker_--_2018_--_3564.jpg|thumb|right|To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull.]] * We have evolved a craving for sweet foods because we evolved in an environment where sweetness meant fruit, and fruit meant safety and vitamins. Now we can separate sweetness from nutrition, satisfying our palates is no longer a guarantee that we are satisfying our nutritional needs. ** [[w:John_Yudkin|John Yudkin]], ''Pure, White, and Deadly: How Sugar Is Killing Us and What We Can Do to Stop It'' (1972) ISBN 978-0-7067-0056-5 * To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' * If only a small fraction of what is already known about the effects of sugar were to be revealed about any other material used as a food additive, that material would swiftly be banned. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' == On ''[[w:Food_noise|food noise]]'' (a.k.a. food-related intrusive thoughts ("FRITs")) == * Food noise [is] 'persistent, intrusive thoughts about food that are disruptive to daily life and make healthy behaviors difficult.' ** Dr. Hanim Diktas, PhD, in ''Appetite'' (2025) [[File:Hungry_2683234.svg|thumb|right|]] * In plain language, our brains are experts at making us desire the foods and beverages we see, smell, and hear (e.g., the sound of bacon sizzling in a skillet). These motivational responses that arise from reactivity to food cues are consciously experienced as food-related cognitions and food cravings, defined as intense desires or urges to consume food. These responses can manifest regardless of physiological hunger levels and ultimately lead to increased food-seeking and consumption behaviors.<br>[...] Individual differences in reactivity to food cues might help to partially explain why some people are more susceptible than others to overeating and developing obesity when living in similar environments. For example, heightened cue reactivity, which is often assessed as self-reported preoccupation with food or measured using changes in brain response to food cues, has been observed in overweight individuals and those living with a binge-eating disorder. These data seem to indicate that similar levels of exposure to food cues might lead to different levels of food noise experienced by individuals, which manifest as rumination and obsessive preoccupation with food (i.e., FRITs) and can lead to overeating and maladaptive eating behaviors.<br>[...] our conceptual model considers two categories of potential cues: external food cues, which arise from the physical and social environment (e.g., seeing and smelling palatable foods), and internal food cues, such as those that might arise from homeostatic hunger signals (e.g., noticing that your stomach is growling) and thoughts about food and eating. ** 2023 paper by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/15/22/4809 What Is Food Noise? A Conceptual Model of Food Cue Reactivity]'' [[File:My_Mind_and_My_Thoughts_by_kartick_dutta.jpg|thumb|right|]] * This study aimed to examine the top videos on TikTok under the hashtag “FoodNoise” and explore what content creators discuss around food noise. ** Article published 29 April 2026 by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.nature.com/articles/s41387-026-00423-z “And just like that, quiet”: a content analysis of TikTok videos on food noise]'' * The struggle with obesity is not simple as a battle of willpower. The disease of obesity is complex and has a much deeper brain-gut relation than thought. The hypothalamus regulates adipocyte mass by integrating hormonal and neural signals from the gut and adipose tissue to maintain energy homeostasis. In obesity, this homeostasis becomes dysregulated, leading to persistent hunger and intrusive thoughts about eating that reflect the brain's defended higher adipocyte mass. These thoughts tend to be persistent, undesirable, or distressing in a noisy pattern patients call “food noise”. ** Abdulhameed Alhamzi, Carel W. le Roux, February 2026 - [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.70161 The Voice of a Disease: Why Food Noise Can No Longer Be Ignored!] * The basic premise of this book is that some foods are '''"intense"''' while others are '''"xtense.'''"<br>'''"Xtense" foods''' are natural foods that our bodies are able to have a reasonable and sane relationship with. We eat them until we are full and then we lose interest in them. We don't long for them or fantasise about them or try to give them up or try to limit our intake only to crack and eat them till we feel sick. Did you ever binge out on a head of cabbage followed by some beetroots and turnip mash? Nope. Thought not. Xtense foods just don't have that kind of effect. [[File:Food_Addiction_(286843160).jpg|thumb|right|]]<br>'''"Intense" foods''' however are the "crack cocaine" of the food world. Our bodies cannot deal with them. They affect our metabolism and our brain functioning so badly that we cannot apply the mealy-mouthed logic of the [[w:Food_pyramid_(nutrition)|food pyramid]] and only have them in moderation. If you've ever eaten a family bar of chocolate, or a whole packet of biscuits, or six doughnuts that were on special offer in the supermarket, all by yourself, then this is you. You have a problem with "intense" foods. I actually don't think every human being gets caught in this "intense" food trap, but if you're one of the affected, you'll know who you are.<br>Way back when I first realised I had a problem with food I longed to instead have a problem with cigarettes or even drugs or bad company because I could give them up completely, which, I told myself, would be far easier than having a food problem, as food could never be given up completely. '''This book, by categorising foods into "xtense" and "intense" allows you to do exactly that. If it's "intense", give it up. Forever.'''<br>The author doesn't have an easy index of "intense" and "xtense" foods at the back but rudimentary intelligence will allow you to figure them out yourself. Plus, I do think you have to apply your own life experience to her story and know what works for you. [...]<br> ** From a review filed on Amazon by "Northness" dated 31 March 2012, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. * I read ''Xtensity'' in one sitting and found it both fun and an eye opener. Disguised as a light novel à la Bridget Jones (if Bridget had graduated from Oxford...), '''it is actually a serious reflection on the causes of the current obesity epidemic and the futility of restricted calorie diets. The premise is as follows: evolution has conditioned us to prefer what the author calls "intense" foods, (basically sugar, salt and fat) and the food industry has exploited this evolutionary trait by incessantly peddling an ever increasing variety of attractive, cheap and readily available foods that make us fat. At the same time, our modern day obsession with thinness drives us towards the most absurd diets. However, low calorie diets do not work because evolution has also conditioned us to react to lower food intake as if fighting an impending famine: Feeling hungry triggers survival mechanisms in our body that automatically lower our energy output and produce even more fat cells. The solution is to avoid "intense" foods as much as possible and replace them with "Xtense" healthy nutritious foods. It's not easy to do, but it works.''' Goodbye Bridget Jones and Hello [[w:Arthur_De_Vany#Evolutionary_fitness|Art de Vany]]! ** From a review filed on Amazon by "MCR" dated 2 April 2014, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. == See also == * [[Addiction]] * [[Binge eating]] * [[Food]] * [[Overeating]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * Some salt/sugar/fat quotes from Michael Moss, ''"Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us"'', on [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/21520265-salt-sugar-fat-how-the-food-giants-hooked-us goodreads.com] * Discussion of [https://www.westonaprice.org/book-reviews/the-hacking-of-the-american-mind-by-dr-robert-h-lustig/#gsc.tab=0 ''"The Hacking of the American Mind: The Science Behind the Corporate Takeover of Our Bodies and Brains"''] by Dr Robert H. Lustig [[Category:Psychology]] [[Category:Eating disorders]] 0b8ty55n7zk1etc2vdw5bonyww672e4 3955248 3955144 2026-06-22T07:19:46Z ~2026-36200-76 3344460 /* K */ substituted a different picture 3955248 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:USA_Obesity_2024.svg|thumb|right|]] A '''[[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]]''' (or eating addiction) is any behavioural addiction characterized primarily by the compulsive consumption of palatable and hyperpalatable food items, and potentially also sugar-sweetened beverages. Such foods often have high sugar, fat, and salt contents, and markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals. Those with eating addictions often overconsume such foods despite the adverse consequences (such as excess weight gain, diabetes, and heart disease) associated with their overconsumption. == Quotes == __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==A== <small>Peter Attia, Bill Gifford</small> * [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet#Ketogenic_die|Ketogenic diet]] means restricting carbohydrates to such an extent that the body begins metabolizing fat into "ketone bodies" that the muscles and brain can utilize as fuel. ** [[w:Peter_Attia|Peter Attia]] and Bill Gifford, ''[[w:Outlive:_The_Science_and_Art_of_Longevity|Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity]]'' (2023) * Evolution wants us to get fat when nutrients are abundant: the more energy we could store, in our ancestral past, the greater our chances of survival and successful reproduction. We needed to be able to endure periods of time without much food, and natural selection obliged, endowing us with genes that helped us conserve and store energy in the form of fat. That enabled our distant ancestors to survive periods of famine, cold climates, and physiologic stressors such as illness and pregnancy. But these genes have proved less advantageous in our present environment, where many people in the developed world have access to almost unlimited calories. ** ''Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity'' * In the late 1970s, the average American adult male weighed 173 pounds. Now the average American man tips the scale at nearly 200 pounds. ** ''Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity'' <small>Nicole Avena</small> * Heavy consumption of highly processed foods can alter dopamine and opioid neurotransmission, creating a cycle of bingeing and withdrawal. ** Nicole M. Avena, Pedro Rada, and Bartley G. Hoebel. ''Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake.'' Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews (2008) [[File:Walmart_Wenatchee.jpg|thumb|right|We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates.]] * The modern food environment acts as a constant cue, activating the reward center of the brain before the food even touches your tongue. ** Nicole M. Avena and John Talbott, ''Why Diets Fail: Because You're Addicted to Sugar'' (2014) ISBN 978-1451699708 * Our research shows that sugar can stimulate the brain's reward system in a manner similar to drugs of abuse, leading to chemical changes that mirror addiction. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''What to Eat When You're Pregnant'' (2015) ISBN 978-1607746737 * Food addiction is not a metaphor; it is a clinical reality driven by biological changes in the brain's survival circuitry. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless: A 7-Step Plan to Uncover Hidden Sugars, Curb Your Cravings, and Conquer Your Addiction'' (2023) ISBN 978-1401972172 * We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless'' (2023) ==B== [[File:William_Banting.jpg|thumb|right|''My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, [...] that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority.''<br>~ William Banting (1796-1878)]] <small>William Banting</small> * The great charm and comfort of the system is, that its effects are palpable within a week of trial, which creates a natural stimulus to persevere for a few weeks more, when the fact becomes established beyond question. ** [[w:William_Banting|William Banting]] (1796-1878), [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence ''Letter on Corpulence, Addressed to the Public'' (1864)], plus later Addenda.<br>An early historical example (1864) of '''successfully following a [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet|low-carbohydrate diet]]''' by changing what he ate, after much earlier frustration clarifying the underlying (previously medically unrecognised) problem in his particular case; thereby reducing his weight from 202 pounds to 150 pounds. Then recommending this remedial course of action to other "sufferers of corpulence". * My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, and whether it be swallowed in that form or generated in the stomach, that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Addenda First Addendum]'' to his (public) 1864 letter. * I shall always observe a careful watch upon myself to discover the effect, and act accordingly, so that, if I choose to spend a day or two with [[w:Rich_man_and_Lazarus|Dives]], so to speak, I must not forget to devote the next to Lazarus. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Concluding_addenda Second Addendum]'' to his 1864 letter. ''[i.e., that partaking of a "fattening dietary [item] occasionally" needs ideally to be tempered by a subsequent bout of compensatorily restrictive eating.]'' * My impression from the experiments I have tried on myself of late is, that saccharine matter is the great moving cause of fatty corpulence. I know that it produces in my individual case increased weight and a large amount of flatulence, and believe, that not only sugar, but all elements tending to create saccharine matter in the process of digestion, should be avoided. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' * One material point I should be glad to impress on my corpulent readers—it is, to get accurately weighed at starting upon the fresh system, and continue to do so weekly or monthly, for the change will be so truly palpable by this course of examination, that it will arm them with perfect confidence in the merit and ultimate success of the plan. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' <small>Benjamin Bikman</small> * If your [fasting] [[w:Insulin|insulin]] levels are on the low end (lower than around 6 microunits/milliliter or 41 picomoles/liter), it's a safe assumption that you're doing quite well and your insulin sensitivity is strong. You are either already adhering to smart lifestyle choices or you are young enough to get away with bad choices for now. If your insulin levels are moderately elevated (7-17 microunits/milliliter or 48 to 118 picomoles/liter), you should start making changes, particularly with the food you eat and how frequently you're eating. In the event your insulin is high (greater than 18 microunits/milliliter or 125 per picomoles/liter), you need to make changes today. ** Benjamin Bikman, ''Why We Get Sick: The Hidden Epidemic at the Root of Most Chronic Disease―and How to Fight It'' (2020) <small>Kelly D. Brownell</small> [[File:SAKURAKO_-_Are_you_Junk_Food_lover%3F_(6447206019).jpg|thumb|right|We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits.]] * We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits with toy giveaways and in-school promotions.. ** [[w:Kelly_D._Brownell|Kelly D. Brownell]], ''Food Fight: The Inside Story of the Food Industry, America's Obesity Crisis, and What We Can Do About It'' (2004) ISBN 978-0071438728 * Certain constituents of food products, added sugar in particular, may hijack the brain and override human will, judgement and personal responsibility, and in so doing create a public health menace. ** Kelly D. Brownell and Mark Gold, ''Food Addiction: A Comprehensive Handbook''. (2012) ISBN 978-0199738168 * As a culture, we've become upset by the tobacco companies advertising to children, but we sit idly by while the food companies do the very same thing. And we could make a claim that the toll taken on the public health by a poor diet rivals that taken by tobacco. ** Kelly D. Brownell. Cited in ''The New York Times Magazine'', 2013. ''[https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/the-extraordinary-science-of-addictive-junk-food.html "The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food."]'' * Portion sizes and the availability of highly processed, highly caloric food have grown dramatically... How far are you from a doughnut? ** Kelly D. Brownell. Center for Science in the Public Interest, [https://www.cspi.org/article/why-our-toxic-food-environment-matters interview, 2022]. ''"Why our toxic food environment matters."'' ==C== * Our real problem is our eating habits. What we need to change is our eating habits. The real problem is that we've been brainwashed into adopting stupid eating habits. ** [[w:Allen_Carr|Allen Carr]], ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' (1997) - at p.20, 21. * You aren't going on a diet. You are merely changing your eating habits. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.67. * Although avoiding starvation is the ultimate purpose of eating, isn't it true that each meal is prompted by a more immediate reason, such as 'I'm in the habit of eating three meals a day,' or 'I enjoy eating,' or 'Because I feel hungry, bored, nervous or miserable,' or 'Because I got the whiff of something that smelt good,' or, simply, 'The food was there and I couldn't resist it.'<br>We might eat for any one of these reasons or all of them. It's rather confusing, isn't it? And not surprising that we become overweight. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.72. * Mother Nature's only purpose in making us want to eat is that we survive. [...] The sole purpose of eating is to provide fuel and maintenance materials.<br>[But] aren't most of us in the habit of having a certain volume of food served up on our plates three times a day and then attempting to eat that volume regardless of the energy we propose to burn?<br>The point is: our bodies aren't designed to handle that surplus. [... ] Instead, we are obliged to store it in the form of unsightly bulges around our midriffs and elsewhere, and that's why we become overweight and obese.<br>We can now concentrate all of our attention on one aspect and one aspect alone: Our intake. [...] Provided the intake is correct the rest takes care of itself. [...] [So] tamper with... the type and quantity of food that you eat. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.73, 74, 75, 76 * [104] If you stick to the principle of eating when you are hungry and stopping when you have satisfied that hunger, you will not only enjoy every meal, but you will have no weight problems. However, I would emphasize that I said stop eating when you have satisfied your hunger, and not your gluttony. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.104 * ''How to lose weight and keep it off''<br>+ The most important thing is to change your mentality and approach rather than simply changing what you eat.<br>+ Correcting the misconceptions that keep you trapped eating the wrong foods that cause you to not only gain weight but also feel tired, miserable and unfit is essential.<br>+ Get your head right and it’s easy to lose weight (and keep it off).<br>As long as you change your thinking and see the food that has made you overweight for what it is; poisonous, toxic, and addictive junk that’s made you ill, you’ll find it easy. ** Some points from the [https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-weight-loss/how-do-i-lose-weight-and-keep-it-off allencarr.com website] ==F== <small>'''Dr Jason Fung'''</small> * The basics of good nutrition can be summarized in these simple rules. Eat whole, unprocessed foods. Avoid sugar. Avoid refined grains. Eat a diet high in natural fats. Balance feeding with [[w:Fasting|fasting]]. ** [[w:Jason_Fung|Jason Fung]], ''The Complete Guide to Fasting: Heal Your Body Through Intermittent, Alternate-Day, and Extended Fasting'' (2016) [[File:Quote_on_Fasting_from_Rumi.jpg|thumb|right|<br>Balance feeding with fasting.<br><br>We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast.]] * We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * [In cases where] too much insulin causes obesity, then it becomes clear we need to lower insulin levels. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * Caloric reduction and portion-control strategies only make you tired and hungry. Worst of all...''you regain all the weight you have lost.'' I know it. You know it.<br>[...] Losing weight triggers two important responses. First, total energy expenditure is immediately and indefinitely reduced in order to conserve the available energy. Second, hormonal hunger signaling is immediately and indefinitely amplified in an effort to acquire more food. Weight loss results in increased hunger and decreased metabolism. This evolutionary survival strategy has a single purpose: ''to make us regain the lost weight''.<br>[...] Eating less does not result in lasting weight loss. It. Just. Does. Not. Work. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss (2016)'' - Part 2, at Chapter 3, p.41, 45, 47. * Obesity is a hormonal disorder of fat regulation. Insulin is the major hormone that drives weight gain, so the rational therapy is to ''lower insulin levels''. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code'' - Part 6, at Chapter 19, p.219. * Reduce your consumption of added sugars. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.219. * Just don't snack<br> The healthy snack is one of the greatest weight-loss deceptions. The myth that ‘grazing is healthy’ has attained legendary status. If we were meant to ‘graze’, we would be cows. Grazing is the direct opposite of virtually all food traditions. Even as recently as the 1960s, most people still ate just three meals per day. Constant stimulation of insulin eventually leads to insulin resistance.<br>[...] Stop eating all the time.<br>[...] Are snacks necessary? No.<br>[...] There's a simple answer to the question of what to eat at snack time. Nothing. Don't eat snacks. Period. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.222, 223. * Eat whole, unprocessed foods at all meals. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.225. * Reduce your consumption of refined grains. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.228. [[File:Quote_From_Plato_About_Fasting.jpg|thumb|right|<br>There is one more piece to the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago.<br><br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.]] * The last piece of the puzzle<br>All diets work in the short term. But we've been ignoring the long-term problem of insulin resistance. There is one more piece of the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago. A practice that has been enshrined in the nutritional lore of virtually every population on earth. A tradition rapidly becoming extinct.<br>Two major factors maintain our insulin at a high level. The first is the foods that we eat - which are what we usually change when we go on a diet. But we fail to address the other factor: the long-term problem of insulin resistance. This problem is one of meal timing.<br>To succeed, we must break the insulin-resistance cycle. But how?<br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.<br>When we talk about fasting to break insulin resistance and lose weight, we are talking about intermittent fasts of twenty-four to thirty-six hours.<br>The remainder of this chapter will be devoted to addressing the health concerns around fasting - which, the research shows us, is a beneficial practice. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19 at p.233, 234. Ch.20 at p.235, 236. * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/@DrJasonFung <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung - YouTube Channel]'''</small><br> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqZsS03dlPk <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung: Beginner's Guide to Intermittent Fasting] (2020) (10 mins)'''</small> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ8ihAntvbI <u>On YouTube</u>: "Dr. Jason Fung: The Best Fasting Method for Visceral Fat and Insulin Resistance has Been Discovered"] (2026) (2h 12 mins)'''</small> ==G== <small>Ashley Gearhardt</small> [[File:Junk_Food_Addiction_(286918378).jpg|thumb|right|"People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice. They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly."<br><br>"These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances."]] * Right now, we're kind of like, 'just eat these foods in moderation.' And for the people for whom consumption of these foods has become compulsive, it's like telling people with alcohol use disorder to just find a way to drink in moderation. ** Ashley Gearhardt, National Institutes of Health [https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2024/02/dr-ashley-gearhardt-addiction-ultra-processed-foods (NIH) interview, 2024]. ''"Dr. Ashley Gearhardt on Addiction and Ultra-Processed Foods."'' * “People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice,” said lead author University of Michigan professor of psychology Ashley Gearhardt, Ph.D. “They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly.” ** Quoted on the [https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-outlook/202403/addicted-to-food ''Psychology Today''] website. * These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances. ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * The younger you are when you're exposed to an addictive substance, the more likely you are to have problems... Kids are being exposed to this and aggressively marketed to... it's setting them up where this is one of the major sources of reward, sources of ways to cope. ** ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * What has happened in modern times is that previously healthy [[w:whole foods|whole foods]] have been largely replaced by [[w:Ultra-processed_food|ultra-processed foods]], which are high in pure sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, salt, and the wrong types of fats.<br>The reasons that our bodies crave these foods is because they are loaded with ingredients that tap into the pleasure centers in our brain, the so-called dopamine reward pathway, which is the same pathway that street drugs like cocaine tap into. ** [https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2024/09/why-do-we-crave-junk-food-diet-psychology The Harvard Gazette.] ''"Why we crave junk food—and how to cultivate healthier eating habits."'' * ''Mills'': "What's the difference between being addicted to food and just liking to indulge in treats more than you should? How can you tell if someone meets the threshold for addiction?"<br>''Gearhardt'': "...I took our diagnostic criteria that we have in the [[w:Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders|DSM]] to try and dissociate between social drinkers and somebody who's actually addicted to alcohol. And I've applied that to the intake of these really highly processed foods with unnatural levels of refined carbohydrates and fats. And so, the hallmarks of addiction that I'm looking for are a loss of control over intake.<br>[...] Having more of a sense of your cues and your reactions can start to give you some of your power back.<br>[...] Right now, we're at where I see we've been with a lot of addictions in the past, which is that it's just a focus on willpower: 'You just have to try a little harder, calories in calories out.' And what it's ignoring is that there's a trillion dollar industry that is using its research and development budget to specifically design these highly processed foods to trigger unnaturally intense levels of reward in your brain in a way that makes it hard to manage. And that if this is triggering this addictive compulsive pull, it's not just an adult choice, but really the result of a toxic environment really pushing a risky food substance that we're not well informed about. And so, that seems to actually be somewhat helpful in reducing stigma and reducing the belief that people just aren't trying hard enough and it's just a matter of willpower.<br>[...] It's clearly not all foods. It's clearly this subset of highly processed foods that are unnatural, highly refined, highly rewarding products. And that's what people get hooked on. [...] People are really struggling to get a handle on their relationship with these foods, even in the face of really stark consequences." ** [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association.] ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food? With Ashley Gearhardt, PhD."'' * "And some of the behaviors that we see that people report is that they really struggle to maintain their control once they start eating some of these foods. [...] There's a tendency that even if you have some pretty significant negative consequences, health consequences, emotional consequences-you keep returning to that same dietary pattern. [...] Because the foods themselves seem to have kind of taken an oversized view in their world. They really start kind [of] driving their eating behavior and sometimes driving their entire life.<br>[...] From a public health perspective, the biggest concern is if these foods have enough of an addictive pull, they trigger enough of a response that you really struggle to eat in moderation. That says, on a broad scale, people are struggling with their relationship with these foods in a way that increases health-related problems." ** [https://wfpc.sanford.duke.edu/podcasts/ashley-gearhardt-food-addiction Duke University, ''World Food Policy Center''] ''"Ashley Gearhardt on Food Addiction and You… Yes, You."'' * We just blame it on the individual for a while and say 'oh, you know, just smoke in moderation, drink in moderation' – and eventually we get to a point where we understand the levers that the industry can pull to create products that can really hook people. ** Ashley Gearhardt, University of Michigan [https://lsa.umich.edu/psych/news-events/all-news/faculty-news/ultra-processed-foods-should-be-treated-more-like-cigarettes-tha.html clinical commentary, 2026]. ''"Ultra-processed foods should be treated more like cigarettes than food."'' <small>Stephan J. Guyenet</small> * In 1980, the US Department of Health and Human Services and the US Department of Agriculture released a document titled [https://www.dietaryguidelines.gov/sites/default/files/2019-05/1980%20DGA.pdf Dietary Guidelines for Americans].<br>[...] If you followed the ''Guidelines'' faithfully, you would end up eating a diet that's not very different from what most nutrition professionals recommend today: primarily whole grains, beans, potatoes, vegetables, fruits, nuts, lean meat, seafood, and dairy, with little added fat, sugar, or highly processed foods.<br>[...] Seems pretty reasonable. Yet you know what happened next: We got fatter. Between 1980 and today, the US obesity rate more than doubled.<br>[...] Against the advice of the ''Guidelines'', our intake of soda, refined sugar, refined starch, added fats, and highly processed food skyrocketed, along with our calorie intake. ** Stephan J. Guyenet, ''[[w:The_Hungry_Brain|The Hungry Brain: Outsmarting the Instincts That Make Us Overeat]]'' (2017) ISBN 1-250-08119-X - Introduction, at p.1, 2, 3. [Page numbers are from the 2017 Vermilion edition.] * Information alone isn't always an effective way to change behavior.<br>[...] If our everyday eating behavior is primarily guided by brain systems that aren't so rational, information alone shouldn't be a very effective way to change it, no matter how accurate, clear, and compelling it is. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.3. * The [[w:Thinking,_Fast_and_Slow|conflict between the conscious and nonconscious brain]] explains why we overeat even though we don't want to. Although we try to control our behavior using the conscious parts of our brains, the nonconscious parts work to undermine our good intentions.<br>[...] What circuits are actually in charge of our everyday eating behavior, and how do they work? If we can answer these questions, we can understand why we make destructive food choices in the modern world, and how to stop. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.4. * While a calorie-seeking brain is an asset when calories are hard to come by, it's a liability when we're drowning in food. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Introduction, at p.5. * To understand food addiction, we need to examine the ''types'' of foods that trigger addiction-like behavior. As it turns out, people don't become addicted to celery and lentils. What foods are they drawn to instead? The following quote by [Ashley] Gearhardt and [Kelly] Brownell sheds light on the question:<br>''High concentrations of sugar, refined carbohydrates (bread, white rice, pasta made with white flour), fats (butter, lard, margarine), salt, and caffeine are addictive substances and the foods containing these ingredients may be consumed in a manner consistent with addictive behavior. Just like drugs of abuse, these food substances may not be addictive until they are processed, extracted, highly refined and concentrated by modern industrial processes; meanwhile, combinations of these look-like-food substances may greatly enhance their addictive qualities.''<br>Although it's controversial to call these foods addictive, it is fair to say that they provoke [[w:Dopamine|dopamine]] release in the [[w:Striatum#Ventral_striatum|ventral striatum]]. And the more concentrated they are, the more dopamine they release. The more dopamine they release, the more they [[w:Reinforcement|reinforce behavior]], and the more they reinforce behavior, the closer they bring us to addiction. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.54-55. [[File:Wanita_buncit.jpg|thumb|right|"If you find something really rewarding and you have really poor impulse control, you're in a lot of trouble."<br><br>~ Leonard Epstein]] * Drug abuse research suggests that a person's susceptibility to addiction depends not only on how [[w:Reinforcement|reinforcing]] the drug is for him but also on his ability to control his behavior in response to a craving—in other words, his ''[[w:Impulsivity|impulsivity]]''. Impulsivity describes a person's ability—or lack thereof—to suppress or ignore basic urges that are beyond conscious control. It's the opposite of what we commonly call [[w:Self-control|self-control]].<br>[...] As [Leonard] Epstein puts it, "If you find something really rewarding and you have really poor impulse control, you're in a lot of trouble." Epstein coined the term ''reinforcement pathology'' to describe the dangerous combination of high reinforcement sensitivity and high impulsivity. [...] This may identify why some people are more susceptible to food addiction than others, despite the fact that we're all exposed to potentially addictive foods. [...] On the other hand, people who have a high [relative reinforcing value of food] but who aren't impulsive ... aren't at an increased risk of overeating or weight gain. "If you have really good self-control," explains Epstein, you can overcome the reward value, and you can be a foodie: someone who loves food, who's a gourmet cook, but who is lean because they can regulate the amount of food."<br>[...] The same principles of reinforcement and impulsivity should still apply to nonaddicted people. Even if you aren't actually addicted to potato chips, you may still be drawn to eat them when you aren't hungry, and your ability to suppress that urge when they're available will influence how much of them you eat. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.67, 68. * [Leonard] Epstein is quick to point out that there's a third important factor in addition to [relative reinforcing value of food] and impulsivity: the presence of highly rewarding food in your personal environment. [...] The deadliest combination occurs when an impulsive person with a high food reward sensivity lives in an environment that's bursting at the seams with highly rewarding foods. And as we will soon see, the United States qualifies as such an environment. ** ''The Hungry Brain'', Chapter 3 (''"The Chemistry of Seduction"''), at p.68. ==H== * Food is not just calories, it is information; it talks to your DNA and tells it what to do. And junk food speaks a language of disease, inflammation, and addiction. ** [[w:Mark_Hyman_(doctor)|Mark Hyman]], ''The Blood Sugar Solution: The UltraHealthy Program for Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Feeling Great Now'' (2012) ISBN 978-0-316-12737-0 [[File:Varsity_ordering_lines.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked.]] * Sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine. It hijacks your brain chemistry and your taste buds, driving you to eat more and more, even when you know it's killing you. ** Mark Hyman, ''The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet: Activate Your Body's Natural Ability to Burn Fat and Lose Weight Fast'' (2014) ISBN 978-0-316-23002-5 * The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food: What the Heck Should I Eat? The No-nonsense Guide to Achieving Optimal Weight and Lifelong Health.'' (2018) ISBN 978-0-316-33886-8 * Willpower is a myth. You cannot use willpower to override a biological addiction. If your hormones and brain chemistry are hijacked by sugar, biology will win every single time. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food Fix: How to Save Our Health, Our Economy, Our Communities, and Our Planet—One Bite at a Time'' (2020) ISBN 978-0-316-45317-2 ==K== * Modern foods... are designed not to satisfy, but rather to stimulate the reward pathways in the brain, conditioning us to crave more food. ** [[w:David_A._Kessler|David Kessler]], ''The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite'' (2009) ISBN 1-60529-785-2 * The more rewarding the food, the greater the attention we direct toward it, and the more vigorously we pursue it. ** ''The End of Overeating'' * Because this kind of food disappears down our throats so quickly after the first bite, it readily overrides the body's signals that should tell us 'I'm full.' ** ''The End of Overeating'' [[File:Guide_to_Healthy_Eating_2013.jpg|thumb|right|<br>Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated.<br><br>]] * America has become a food fun house... a carnival of delicious, fatty, salty, sugary, and, more to the point, accessible and cheap delights. How could you expect to go to the carnival and not want to go on the rides? ** ''The End of Overeating'' * We live in a world of foods designed to be addictive, driving biological instincts that provoke overeating and the food noise of daily existence. ** ** David Kessler, ''Diet, Drugs, and Dopamine: The New Science of Achieving a Healthy Weight'' (2025) ISBN 1250381274 * "Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated." ** David Kessler. [https://www.npr.org/2009/05/06/103862714/why-do-we-overeat-author-blames-fat-sugar-salt National Public Radio (NPR) interview, 2009. ''"Why do we overeat? Author blames fat, sugar, salt."''] ==L== * Food is beyond a necessity; it's also a commodity, and it has been reformulated to be an addictive substance. ** [[w:Robert_Lustig|Robert Lustig]], ''Fat Chance: Beating the Odds against Sugar, Processed Food, Obesity, and Disease.'' New York: Hudson Street Press. (2012) * If we don't understand what's actually happening to our brains, we become prey to industries that capitalize on our addictions in the name of selling happiness. ** Robert Lustig, ''The Hacking of the American Mind''. Avery (2017) - ISBN 978-1-101-98258-7 * Overeating doesn't make us fat. The process of becoming fat makes us overeat. ** [[w:David_Ludwig_(physician)|David Ludwig]], ''Always Hungry?: Conquer Cravings, Retrain Your Fat Cells, and Lose Weight Permanently''. (2016) * Hunger isn't a passing feeling. It's a primal biological signal that the body needs fuel. Very hard to ignore over the long term. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * In the battle between mind and metabolism, you are destined to lose the battle with your body. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * ''[On the illusion of the "calorie"]'' Forget calories. Focus on quality. Let your body do the rest. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * For breakfast, you could have a bowl of cornflakes with no added sugar, or a bowl of sugar with no added cornflakes. They would taste different but, below the neck, act more or less the same. ** ''Always Hungry?'' ==M== [[File:Junk_Food.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.']] * The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.' ** [[w:Michael_Moss|Michael Moss]], ''[[w:Salt,_Sugar,_Fat:_How_the_Food_Giants_Hooked_Us|Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us]]''. Random House (2013) ISBN 978-0812982190, ISBN 0812982193 * They are not just making food; they are designing products with a 'fast-fading flavor' that leaves the brain tricked into wanting more, making moderation nearly impossible. ** ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us'' * Our brains are hardwired to remember where we found calorie-dense foods, and the modern grocery store exploits this evolutionary survival mechanism every single day. ** Michael Moss, ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions''. W. H. Allen & Co. (2021) ISBN 978-0753556344, ISBN 0753556340 * When it comes to the speed at which it hits the brain, processed food makes tobacco look slow. The reward signal is instantaneous, reinforcing the addictive loop before you even finish chewing. ** ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions'' ==O== * Would it not be better if they spent more money on wholesome things like oranges and wholemeal bread or if they even, like the writer of the letter to the New Statesman, saved on fuel and ate their carrots raw? Yes, it would, but the point is that no ordinary human being is ever going to do such a thing. The ordinary human being would sooner starve than live on brown bread and raw carrots. '''And the peculiar evil is this, that the less money you have, the less inclined you feel to spend it on wholesome food.''' A millionaire may enjoy breakfasting off orange juice and Ryvita biscuits; an unemployed man doesn't. Here the tendency of which I spoke at the end of the last chapter comes into play. When you are unemployed, which is to say '''when you are underfed, harassed, bored, and miserable, you don't want to eat dull wholesome food. You want something a little bit 'tasty'. There is always some cheaply pleasant thing to tempt you.''' ** [[w:George_Orwell|George Orwell]], [[w:The_Road_to_Wigan_Pier|The Road to Wigan Pier]] (1937) (from Pt. 1, Ch. 6.) ==P== <small>Susan Peirce Thompson</small> * Food addiction isn't a character flaw or a lack of willpower; it is a predictable biological response to modern engineered foods in a brain that is highly susceptible. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free''. (2017) ISBN 978-1401952532 * Refined sugar and refined flour are not foods — they are highly purified, fast-acting chemicals that hijack the reward pathways of the brain in the exact same manner as drugs of abuse. ** ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free'' * When the brain is flooded with dopamine from hyper-palatable foods, the resulting insulin spikes block leptin from reaching the hypothalamus, leaving the individual in a state of perpetual, biological starvation. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''The Official Bright Line Eating Cookbook: Weight Loss Made Simple''. (2019) ISBN 978-1401956790 * For someone with a highly susceptible food-addict brain, the advice to 'eat everything in moderation' is not just useless; it is biologically impossible and psychologically damaging. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''ReZolve: The Science of Re-Wiring Your Brain to Resolve Weight and Food Issues''. (2025) ISBN 978-1401977719 <small>David Perlmutter</small> * If you cannot control your hunger and appetite, good luck managing your blood chemistry, metabolism, waistline, and, in the bigger picture, the prospect of crippling your brain. ** [[w:David_Perlmutter|David Perlmutter]], ''Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar--Your Brain's Silent Killers'' (2013) * The food we eat goes beyond its macronutrients of carbohydrates, fat and protein. It's information. It interacts with and instructs our genome with every mouthful, changing genetic expression. ** David Perlmutter, ''Brain Maker: The Power of Gut Microbes to Heal and Protect Your Brain–for Life'' (2015) ISBN 978-0316380102 * "Shop the periphery of the grocery store. Anything with an ingredient list is suspect... [Ultra-processed foods] aren’t just empty—they’re addictive, designed to light up your brain’s reward system like a slot machine. ** David_Perlmutter, Clinical Commentary Archive, ''[https://drperlmutter.com/ultra-processed-foods-threaten-brain "Ultra-Processed Foods Threaten Your Brain"]'' (2024) <small>Lulu Hunt Peters</small> * A good way to show [your stomach] that you are master is to fast for at least one day—drink nothing but pure water, hot or cold, as you prefer. ** [[w:Lulu_Hunt_Peters|Lulu Hunt Peters]], ''Diet and Health: With Key to the Calories'' (1918), at [https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/15069/pg15069-images.html#Chapter8 Chapter 8] ''("At last. How to Reduce.")'' <small>Michael Pollan</small> * Cooking for yourself is the only sure way to take back control of your diet from the food scientists and food processors, and to guarantee you're eating real food rather than edible foodlike substances, with their unhealthy oils, high-fructose corn syrup, and surfeit of salt. ** [[w:Michael Pollan|Michael Pollan]], ''[[w:In_Defense_of_Food|In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto]]'' (2008) ISBN 978-1594201455 * You're better off eating the real thing in moderation than binging on 'lite' food products that pack less flavor but more chemical additives. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Food_Rules:_An_Eater%27s_Manual|Food Rules: An Eater's Manual]]'' (2009) ISBN 978-0143116387 * If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't. ** ''Food Rules: An Eater's Manual'' * The most important thing about your diet is who cooks it, a human or a corporation. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Cooked:_A_Natural_History_of_Transformation|Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation]]'' (2013) ISBN 978-1594204210 ==S== <small>Eric Schlosser, with Charles Wilson</small> * The point of this book is to take that strong impulse we all feel - our hunger for sweet, salty, fatty fast foods - and make you think about it. ''Chew On This'' will tell you where fast food comes from, who makes it, what's in it and what happens when you eat it. This is a book about fast food and the world it has made. ** [[w:Eric_Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]] and Charles Wilson, ''Chew on This: Everything You Don't Want to Know about Fast Food.'' (2006), ISBN 13: 978-0-618-59394-1 (Houghton Miffin Harcourt). ISBN-10: 0-141-31844-9 (Penguin Books). Introduction, at page 2. (Page numbers from the 2006 Penguin edition.)<br>The book is an adaptation of an earlier Eric Schlosser book, ''[[w:Fast_Food_Nation|Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal]]'' (2001), aimed at younger readers. [[File:Fast_food_love.jpg|thumb|right|By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.]] * Fast food may look like the sort of food people have always eaten, but it's different. It's not the kind of food you can make in your kitchen from scratch. Fast food is something radically new. Indeed, the food we eat has changed more during the past thirty years than during the previous 30,000 years.<br>[...] For the most part, fast food tastes pretty good. That's one of the main reasons people like to eat it. Fast food has been carefully designed to taste good.<br>[...] Chew on this: people should know what lies beneath the shiny happy surface of every fast food restaurant. They should know what really lurks between those sesame seed buns. As the old saying goes: you are what you eat. ** ''Chew on This'' - Introduction, at pages 4, 5. * At first, man-made flavour additives were mainly used in baked goods, candies and soft drinks. And then, during the mid-fifties, sales of processed food began to soar. By the mid-1960s, the American flavour industry was churning out compounds to supply the taste of Pop Tarts, Hamburger Helper, Bac-O-Bits, Tab, Tango, Filet-O-Fish burgers and literally thousands of other products.<br>[...] By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.<br>[...] Flavours are created by blending many chemicals in tiny amounts. [...] The taste of a food can be changed enormously by tiny changes in the flavouring mix.<br>In order to give a processed food the right taste, a flavourist must always consider the food's 'mouthfeel' - the combination of textures that you notice as you eat it. The mouthfeel can be adjusted through the use of different fats, gums and starches. ** ''Chew on This'' - Chapter 4, at pages 84, 86, 87-88. [[File:Obesity_in_the_US_(4014987104).jpg|thumb|right|The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault.]] * During the past two decades the flavour industry's role in food production has become so influential that many children now like man-made flavours more than the real thing. [...] When flavourists create additives for kids' foods, they usually get rid of the bitterness and increase the sweetness. Children's flavours are often twice as sweet as those made for adults. [...] The use of strong, unusual flavours is now one of the most popular trends in kids' food. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.90. * For years, the US government has argued that the colour and flavour additives widely used in processed foods are safe. That may not always be the case.<br>[...] A number of scientists now worry that eating so many different chemicals in processed foods may not be good for young children. [...] But the safety of eating a large combination of additives at every meal remains unknown. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.92, 93. * Thirty years [on from 1976], about 19,000 government-funded schools - one of every five in the United States - sell branded fast food in the cafeteria.<br>[...] 'I don't think it's healthy,' a fourteen-year-old told a reporter, 'but I eat it because it tastes good.' ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.5, at p.100. * The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault. The emphasis is on changing what the customers do, not what the fast food companies do. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.189. * Nobody is forced to buy fast food. The first step towards real change is by far the easiest. Stop buying it. [...] When you buy something from a company you are, in effect, voting for its policies and its behaviour. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.196, 197. <small>Kay Sheppard</small> * Food addiction is a progressive, chronic, and fatal disease, characterized by an inability to control the intake of specific, trigger substances. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows'' (1989) * For some people, foods can be as addictive as alcohol. Gummy bears and marshmallow chicks can be vicious killers whose effects can lead to depression, irritability and even suicide. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows: Revised & Expanded Edition'', (1993) ISBN 978-1558742765 * Recovery does not begin with calorie counting; it begins with the total elimination of the chemical triggers — refined sugar, flour, and wheat — that drive the physical craving. * Kay Sheppard, ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' (2000) * For the food addict, a single bite of a trigger food is not a treat — it is a chemical relapse that reawakens the physical obsession. ** ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' * Food addiction is characterized by an obsession with food, obsession with weight, and loss of control over the amount eaten. ** Kay Sheppard, [https://michaelprager.com/Kay-Sheppard-video-interview-food-addiction-abstinence-obesity-author-recovery video interview with journalist Michael Prager], 2013. ==T== * The brain chemistry that drives the addict to seek pleasure beyond the point of satiety is similar, whether the user favours Jack Daniels or [[w:Jack_in_the_Box|Jack-in-the-Box]]. ** Vera Tarman, ''Food Junkies: The Truth About Food Addiction'' (2014) * If food addicts could smoke or inject sugar, food addiction would be on the same playing field for researchers as cocaine or heroin. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Today I say am an addict. A respectable addict, of course. Not like the desperate addicts who have cashed in their mortgage... After all, my drug is cheap, the cheapest of all drugs, and therefore the most pernicious... And my drug is everywhere I look: in the drive-through gas station's convenience store, in the supermarket, on the lusciously displayed menu of an exclusive restaurant. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Sugar, for example, shares the same neurochemistry and neural pathways as cocaine. Sweetened chocolate mimics the effects of alcohol and opiates. Flour modulates moods and anaesthetizes pain just as many drugs do. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Obesity, eating disorders, and chemical dependency on food are three distinct and very different diseases -- and demonstrate different behaviors around food. We can categorize the corresponding behaviours of these conditions as problems that occur within the normal eating, emotional eating, and food addiction spectrums.<br>Obesity is entirely a physical problem: a result of eating too many calories while expending too few... Normal eaters simply eat too much... Normal eaters represent a large proportion of the obese. They can regulate their obesity by learning how to change the circumstances that foster poor willpower: better sleep, stress management, improving social skills, and changing a toxic food environment are only a few of the modifications that can be made...<br>Certainly, people suffering from [[w:Eating_disorder|eating disorders]] and [[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]] can also be obese, but their primary condition is not [[w:Obesity|obesity]]. In their cases, obesity is just another symptom of their emotional disturbance or their food addiction. The underlying [[w:Psychological_trauma|emotional trauma]] that drives the bulimic to stuff himself needs to be addressed first before the physical aspects of obesity can be seriously addressed; likewise, the sugar that is propelling the addictive overeater needs to be removed first before tackling any weight issues. ** ''Food Junkies'' * I believe that food addicts need the same type of support offered to alcoholics and drug addicts. They need to detoxify first and then learn about their disease, while dealing with the thoughts and feelings that arise once they are off their drug. Quite often, psychological issues do not become obvious until food addicts have been abstinent for a long period of time. That's why ongoing support is needed to prevent addicts from relapsing in a panicky effort to cope. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Withdrawal occurs once a person [[w:Whole_food|stops eating any addictive food]]. Though abstaining from foods is a contentious subject in the scientific literature, there is no question that it will cause a level of discomfort that often drives addicts back to eating...<br>The good news is that detoxification is not a long process; it only lasts for a relatively short period - between one week and four weeks...<br>Cheating by having a bite here or a spoonful there is also an excellent way to suffer withdrawal in perpetuity. Withdrawal will not end if the substance is constantly being reintroduced back into the brain reward pathway. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Feelings of deprivation, obsessions about food, and anxiety arising from unresolved trauma that was being “medicated” by the addictive foods may appear like spectres that linger, worsening before they get better. ** ''Food Junkies'' * From food addiction to food serenity - freedom tastes great! ** ''Food Junkies'' * It's not food. It's an industrially produced edible substance. ** [[w:Chris_van_Tulleken|Chris van Tulleken]], ''Ultra-Processed People: Why Do We All Eat Stuff That Isn't Food… and Why Can't We Stop?'' (2023) ISBN 978-1529160222<br>[+ ''[https://www.shortform.com/blog/ultra-processed-people-book An article about this book]''] * The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * This is the science behind how UPF affects the human body:<br>• The destruction of the food matrix by physical, chemical and thermal processing means that UPF is, in general, soft. This means you eat it fast, which means you eat far more calories per minute and don’t feel full until long after you’ve finished.<br>• UPF typically has a very high calorie density because it’s dry, and high in fat and sugar and low in fibre, so you get more calories per mouthful.<br>• It displaces diverse whole foods from the diet, especially among low-income groups. And UPF itself is often micronutrient-deficient, which may also contribute to excess consumption.<br> • The mismatch between the taste signals from the mouth and the nutrition content in some UPF alters metabolism and appetite in ways that we are only beginning to understand, but that seem to drive excess consumption.<br>• UPF is addictive, meaning that for some people binges are unavoidable.<br>• The emulsifiers, preservatives, modified starches and other additives damage the microbiome, which could allow inflammatory bacteria to flourish and cause the gut to leak.<br>• The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought, which leads to more snacking, less chewing, faster eating, increased consumption, and tooth decay.<br>• The additives and physical processing mean that UPF affects our [[w:Satiety|satiety system]] directly. Other additives may affect brain and endocrine function, and plastics from the packaging might affect fertility.<br>• The production methods used to make UPF require expensive subsidy and drive environmental destruction, carbon emissions and plastic pollution, which harm us all. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * The signals that tell you to ‘stop eating’ haven’t evolved to handle food this soft and easily digested, so soft that it’s essentially pre-chewed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * “So dominant is soy as industrial animal feed that the average person in the UK or Europe consumes approximately 61kg of soy per year, largely in the form of animal products such as chicken, pork, salmon, cheese, milk and eggs. Only 20–30 per cent of imported soy is ‘certified sustainable’ (and we have already discussed how little that means). So, if you live in the UK, there is a tennis court of land producing soy in the tropics just for you, and most of it comes from places like Brazil and Argentina where ecosystems that affect global climate are being destroyed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * It’s soft and typically calorie dense, so you eat it at a rate that your body can’t keep up with when it comes to feeling full. Things like protein isolates, refined oils and modified carbohydrates are absorbed so quickly they may not even reach the part of the gut that sends the fullness signal to the brain. They’re not things you have evolved to eat. Some of the additives are well known to cause harm – be particularly aware of emulsifiers and artificial sweeteners. Emulsifiers can thin the mucus lining of the gut, allowing faecal bacteria to leak into the blood stream and inflaming your whole body. The non-nutritive sweeteners that tell your body sugar is coming but don’t supply any calories seem to cause metabolic stress and changes to the microbiome. Other additives that affect the microbiome are maltodextrins, modified starches and lots of the gums and thickeners. Flavour enhancers (glutamate, guanylate, inosinate and ribonucleotides on ingredient lists) drive excess consumption. Again, they tell your body a lie about the nutritional content of the food you’re eating when they’re added out of context. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * In 2022, a study published in the journal ''Neurology'' looked at data from over 72,000 people. Increasing intake of UPF by 10 per cent was associated with a 25 per cent increase in the risk of dementia and a 14 per cent increase in the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * There is an apparently established fact that food isn't addictive... but here's the thing; it's not 'real' food that's addictive, it's UPF, otherwise known as these 'industrially produced edible substances'..." ** Chris van Tulleken, interviewed in ''i News'', 2023. ''"How I reprogrammed my brain to quit ultra-processed food."'' * Food addiction isn't a recognised disorder by the World Health Organisation or in the manual of psychiatric illness... But many clinicians report they have patients who experience symptoms of food addiction [where people] continue to eat [certain] foods despite trying to stop. ** Chris van Tulleken, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/upf_food_cravings BBC Food commentary, 2023], ''"There's a reason we crave ultra-processed food."'' ==V== * Animals feel pleasure in performing all the functions for which they are destined... There is great pleasure in eating and drinking... but it is clear that if man were always eating... his organs could not sustain it. ** [[w:Voltaire|Voltaire]], ''[[w:Dictionnaire_philosophique|Dictionnaire philosophique]]'', (1764).<br>''[https://fr.wikisource.org/wiki/Dictionnaire_philosophique/Garnier_(1878)/Bien_souverain_bien ("Les animaux ressentent du plaisir à faire toutes les fonctions auxquelles ils sont destinés... Il y a un grand plaisir à manger et à boire... mais il est clair que si l'homme mangeait toujours... ses organes n'y pourraient suffire.")]'' ==W== * According to [[w:David A. Kessler|David Kessler]], the former FDA commissioner, the food industry is not just aiming to satisfy its customers. ... The industry, including the growers, concocters, testers, packagers, marketers, distributors, and retailers, is investing in ''hyperstimulating'' foods—creations with the power to keep us eating. There are scientists hard at work right now devising ways to get you to eat more than you naturally desire. ** [[w:Wendy Wood (psychologist)|Wendy Wood]], {{cite book|url=https://www.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ| isbn=9781250159083 | title=Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick | date=October 2019 | publisher=Farrar, Straus and Giroux }} [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=hyperstimulating#v=snippet&q=former%20fda%20commissioner&f=false 1st sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=keep+us+eating#v=snippet&q=keep%20us%20eating&f=false 2nd sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=scientists+hard+at+work#v=snippet&q=scientists%20hard%20at%20work&f=false 3rd sentence] * For food addicts, 'abstinence first, absolutely,' is the key to living and a good life. ** Philip Werdell, cited in [https://michaelprager.com/werdell_food_addiction_research_Acorn clinical interview by Michael Prager], "Phil Werdell: 'Abstinence first, absolutely.'" (2010) * This is the key to those who are dually diagnosed with anorexia and food addiction: they need to surrender control of both their obsession with not 'getting fat' and their specific food drugs. They need to learn to not restrict and to not overeat. ** Philip Werdell, SHiFT Recovery Clinical Paper, ''"Eating Disorders & Food Addiction"'' (2014) * Food addiction begins with physical craving. Physical craving distorts the hunger instinct for some people, making these people want more food than they need. This physical craving is a biochemical brain change caused by extra sugar or other hyper-processed foods. ** Philip Werdell, ''Food Addiction Denial: False Information and Irrational Thinking'', (2022) ISBN 978-1667853529 ==Y== [[File:Würfelzucker_--_2018_--_3564.jpg|thumb|right|To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull.]] * We have evolved a craving for sweet foods because we evolved in an environment where sweetness meant fruit, and fruit meant safety and vitamins. Now we can separate sweetness from nutrition, satisfying our palates is no longer a guarantee that we are satisfying our nutritional needs. ** [[w:John_Yudkin|John Yudkin]], ''Pure, White, and Deadly: How Sugar Is Killing Us and What We Can Do to Stop It'' (1972) ISBN 978-0-7067-0056-5 * To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' * If only a small fraction of what is already known about the effects of sugar were to be revealed about any other material used as a food additive, that material would swiftly be banned. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' == On ''[[w:Food_noise|food noise]]'' (a.k.a. food-related intrusive thoughts ("FRITs")) == * Food noise [is] 'persistent, intrusive thoughts about food that are disruptive to daily life and make healthy behaviors difficult.' ** Dr. Hanim Diktas, PhD, in ''Appetite'' (2025) [[File:Hungry_2683234.svg|thumb|right|]] * In plain language, our brains are experts at making us desire the foods and beverages we see, smell, and hear (e.g., the sound of bacon sizzling in a skillet). These motivational responses that arise from reactivity to food cues are consciously experienced as food-related cognitions and food cravings, defined as intense desires or urges to consume food. These responses can manifest regardless of physiological hunger levels and ultimately lead to increased food-seeking and consumption behaviors.<br>[...] Individual differences in reactivity to food cues might help to partially explain why some people are more susceptible than others to overeating and developing obesity when living in similar environments. For example, heightened cue reactivity, which is often assessed as self-reported preoccupation with food or measured using changes in brain response to food cues, has been observed in overweight individuals and those living with a binge-eating disorder. These data seem to indicate that similar levels of exposure to food cues might lead to different levels of food noise experienced by individuals, which manifest as rumination and obsessive preoccupation with food (i.e., FRITs) and can lead to overeating and maladaptive eating behaviors.<br>[...] our conceptual model considers two categories of potential cues: external food cues, which arise from the physical and social environment (e.g., seeing and smelling palatable foods), and internal food cues, such as those that might arise from homeostatic hunger signals (e.g., noticing that your stomach is growling) and thoughts about food and eating. ** 2023 paper by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/15/22/4809 What Is Food Noise? A Conceptual Model of Food Cue Reactivity]'' [[File:My_Mind_and_My_Thoughts_by_kartick_dutta.jpg|thumb|right|]] * This study aimed to examine the top videos on TikTok under the hashtag “FoodNoise” and explore what content creators discuss around food noise. ** Article published 29 April 2026 by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.nature.com/articles/s41387-026-00423-z “And just like that, quiet”: a content analysis of TikTok videos on food noise]'' * The struggle with obesity is not simple as a battle of willpower. The disease of obesity is complex and has a much deeper brain-gut relation than thought. The hypothalamus regulates adipocyte mass by integrating hormonal and neural signals from the gut and adipose tissue to maintain energy homeostasis. In obesity, this homeostasis becomes dysregulated, leading to persistent hunger and intrusive thoughts about eating that reflect the brain's defended higher adipocyte mass. These thoughts tend to be persistent, undesirable, or distressing in a noisy pattern patients call “food noise”. ** Abdulhameed Alhamzi, Carel W. le Roux, February 2026 - [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.70161 The Voice of a Disease: Why Food Noise Can No Longer Be Ignored!] * The basic premise of this book is that some foods are '''"intense"''' while others are '''"xtense.'''"<br>'''"Xtense" foods''' are natural foods that our bodies are able to have a reasonable and sane relationship with. We eat them until we are full and then we lose interest in them. We don't long for them or fantasise about them or try to give them up or try to limit our intake only to crack and eat them till we feel sick. Did you ever binge out on a head of cabbage followed by some beetroots and turnip mash? Nope. Thought not. Xtense foods just don't have that kind of effect. [[File:Food_Addiction_(286843160).jpg|thumb|right|]]<br>'''"Intense" foods''' however are the "crack cocaine" of the food world. Our bodies cannot deal with them. They affect our metabolism and our brain functioning so badly that we cannot apply the mealy-mouthed logic of the [[w:Food_pyramid_(nutrition)|food pyramid]] and only have them in moderation. If you've ever eaten a family bar of chocolate, or a whole packet of biscuits, or six doughnuts that were on special offer in the supermarket, all by yourself, then this is you. You have a problem with "intense" foods. I actually don't think every human being gets caught in this "intense" food trap, but if you're one of the affected, you'll know who you are.<br>Way back when I first realised I had a problem with food I longed to instead have a problem with cigarettes or even drugs or bad company because I could give them up completely, which, I told myself, would be far easier than having a food problem, as food could never be given up completely. '''This book, by categorising foods into "xtense" and "intense" allows you to do exactly that. If it's "intense", give it up. Forever.'''<br>The author doesn't have an easy index of "intense" and "xtense" foods at the back but rudimentary intelligence will allow you to figure them out yourself. Plus, I do think you have to apply your own life experience to her story and know what works for you. [...]<br> ** From a review filed on Amazon by "Northness" dated 31 March 2012, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. * I read ''Xtensity'' in one sitting and found it both fun and an eye opener. Disguised as a light novel à la Bridget Jones (if Bridget had graduated from Oxford...), '''it is actually a serious reflection on the causes of the current obesity epidemic and the futility of restricted calorie diets. The premise is as follows: evolution has conditioned us to prefer what the author calls "intense" foods, (basically sugar, salt and fat) and the food industry has exploited this evolutionary trait by incessantly peddling an ever increasing variety of attractive, cheap and readily available foods that make us fat. At the same time, our modern day obsession with thinness drives us towards the most absurd diets. However, low calorie diets do not work because evolution has also conditioned us to react to lower food intake as if fighting an impending famine: Feeling hungry triggers survival mechanisms in our body that automatically lower our energy output and produce even more fat cells. The solution is to avoid "intense" foods as much as possible and replace them with "Xtense" healthy nutritious foods. It's not easy to do, but it works.''' Goodbye Bridget Jones and Hello [[w:Arthur_De_Vany#Evolutionary_fitness|Art de Vany]]! ** From a review filed on Amazon by "MCR" dated 2 April 2014, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. == See also == * [[Addiction]] * [[Binge eating]] * [[Food]] * [[Overeating]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * Some salt/sugar/fat quotes from Michael Moss, ''"Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us"'', on [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/21520265-salt-sugar-fat-how-the-food-giants-hooked-us goodreads.com] * Discussion of [https://www.westonaprice.org/book-reviews/the-hacking-of-the-american-mind-by-dr-robert-h-lustig/#gsc.tab=0 ''"The Hacking of the American Mind: The Science Behind the Corporate Takeover of Our Bodies and Brains"''] by Dr Robert H. Lustig [[Category:Psychology]] [[Category:Eating disorders]] 1zdn38ydkb9xqx3ssw582gu8br585zk 3 308156 3955181 3953940 2026-06-22T01:17:46Z ~2026-36108-54 3344393 /* Killer Klowns from Outer Space */ new section 3955181 wikitext text/x-wiki == Friday the 13th Part III == Can you add teen horror film related categories to the Friday the 13th Part III article on the English Wikipedia and any other Friday the 13th film that needs them [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-33885-28|&#126;2026-33885-28]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-33885-28|talk]]) 21:23, 8 June 2026 (UTC) :It's not gonna hurt put teen horror films Categories there or other films in the franchise that focuses on teenagers [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-34832-37|&#126;2026-34832-37]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-34832-37|talk]]) 00:43, 13 June 2026 (UTC) ::Part 1 and 2 already have those categories. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-34832-37|&#126;2026-34832-37]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-34832-37|talk]]) 00:44, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :::It's all we ever wanted to see new categories for those articles plus the English-Language crime films categories can you replace it on those articles with something more fitting a merge category like English-language crime horror films that category exists. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-34832-37|&#126;2026-34832-37]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-34832-37|talk]]) 00:49, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == Message == Did you get my message from here? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-33885-28|&#126;2026-33885-28]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-33885-28|talk]]) 21:23, 8 June 2026 (UTC) :Did you get my messages from here? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-34212-95|&#126;2026-34212-95]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-34212-95|talk]]) 00:54, 10 June 2026 (UTC) == Chat == Hey Jevansen it's me. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-34212-95|&#126;2026-34212-95]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-34212-95|talk]]) 00:50, 10 June 2026 (UTC) == Friday the 13th Films == Can you add any teen horror film related categories to articles Friday the 13th Part III, The Final Chapter, and any other film that needs them ones with teenagers on the English Wikipedia [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-34212-95|&#126;2026-34212-95]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-34212-95|talk]]) 00:58, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :Thanks to you for off all those 1980s year horror film categories from the Friday the 13th films and other different films there's been issues and complaints. [[User:MeganBucks|MeganBucks]] ([[User talk:MeganBucks|talk]]) 19:36, 12 June 2026 (UTC) ::Friday the 13th Part III and the final chapter are considered teen horror films they just need categories to prove it. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-34832-37|&#126;2026-34832-37]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-34832-37|talk]]) 00:41, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == Killer Klowns from Outer Space == Can you replace the American parody film category with the parodies of horror category on the Killer Klowns from Outer Space article on the English Wikipedia since it's not a direct parody film. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-36108-54|&#126;2026-36108-54]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-36108-54|talk]]) 01:17, 22 June 2026 (UTC) jqlxm7puv2nb92ebvegm3j5hhvpztgf 0 308317 3955135 3954444 2026-06-21T19:28:19Z ~2026-36072-54 3344342 /* Episode 4 */ 3955135 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{SpongeBob header}} '''''{{W|SpongeBob SquarePants}}''''', also known as simply '''''SpongeBob''''', is an American animated television series that airs on Nickelodeon. The show follows the adventures of the title character and his various friends in the underwater city, and being pursued by the evil Plankton. ==Episode 1== ===''The Nerds'' [17.1a]=== ===''The SquarePants Method'' [17.1b]=== ==Episode 2== ===''Kiss of the Nematode'' [17.2a]=== :''[The episode begins at the park with clams chirping in the sky, and SpongeBob is skipping along, meeting and greeting several critters along the way.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': [skips around the park] Lalalalalalalalalalala! [stops and sniffs and sighs] What a beautiful day to say hello to all of my favorite little critters. Hello little worm! [grabs a worm and kisses it, winks and continues to skip] Lalalalalalalala! [stops in front of a snail] Hello little snail! [kisses it and has slime cover his face] Moisturizing! Lalalalalalalalalala! [continues to skip and stops in front of nematodes] Hello little nematodes! [kisses three of them, but one is jumping away from him, SpongeBob grabs him] Aww, don't be shy! [kisses him, transforming him into a guy] :'''Guy Fishman''': Do you mind? :'''SpongeBob''': Ah! You're not a nematode anymore? That means I must be magic! [waves his hands and runs around] I am magic! I am magic! I am magic! :'''Guy Fishman''': Sorry pal, but you're not magic! You just happened to break an old witch's curse that turned me into a nematode. Get it! :'''SpongeBob''': An old witch cursed you? That means, you must be a prince! [zooms into his eyes] I kissed a prince! [jumps on a bench] I kissed a prince! I kissed a- [stops when Guy Fishman approaches] :'''Guy Fishman''': No, I am not a prince either! I am just an ordinary guy! Guy Fishman! [points] :'''SpongeBob''': Oh! Well I am SpongeBob [shakes hands and sits down] So, if you're just some guy, then why did a witch curse you? :'''Guy Fishman''': Allow me to expound: [flashes back on Reef theater] You see, long ago I made the mistake of taking the last seat at the movie theater. [Guy Fishman and Blobba Yaga come in with popcorns] Unfortunately, the old witch Blobba Yaga wanted the same seat. [the seat has a spotlight on it where Guy Fishman and Blobba Yaga stare at each other for the seat. Guy Fishman rushes and takes the seat.] :'''Blobba Yaga''': [gets angry and pulls the curse] Take my seat and pay what's owed! Live thy life as nematode! Aah! [curses Guy Fishman to a nematode and sits on the seat] :'''SpongeBob''': [flashes forward to present, SpongeBob whirls himself and laughs] Ripple Tickle! :'''Guy Fishman''': [coughs, SpongeBob then silently sits] Your kiss must have broken the spell! :'''SpongeBob''': Aha! Then, you're welcome! [points at Guy Fishman and tries to kiss] ===''Brainless Brawn'' [17.2b]=== ==Episode 3== ===''Home Away From Home'' [17.3a]=== ===''SpongeBob SpareParts'' [17.3b]=== ==Episode 4== ===''Lady In The Lighthouse'' [17.4a]=== ===''Bitter Groans and Gardens'' [17.4b]=== ==Episode 5== ===''The Fry Cook And The Elves'' [17.5a]=== ===''It's About Mime'' [17.5b]=== ==Episode 6== ===''Plankton's Squeeze Play'' [17.6a]=== ===''How the West Was Dumb'' [17.6b]=== ==Episode 7== ===''My Tighty Whiteys'' [17.7a]=== ===''Whatever Happened to Baby Prunes?'' [17.7b]=== ==Episode 8== ===''Night School Knuckleheads'' [17.8a]=== ===''Painfully Employed'' [17.8b]=== ==Episode 9== ===''Duct Tape Dystopia'' [17.9a]=== ===''Farmer Market's Feud'' [17.9b]=== ==Episode 10== ===''Clicking With A Clique'' [17.10a]=== ===''Rock Bottom Games'' [17.10b]=== [[Category: SpongeBob SquarePants]] [[Category: SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] ha5i5btl2fvnhpc9klfrtoi9j8uehnr 0 308330 3955116 3952652 2026-06-21T18:19:48Z Hhrlan23 3222540 3955116 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Italic title}} '''''[[w: Cosmic Scrat-tastrophe|Cosmic Scrat-tastrophe]]''''' is a 2015 [[w:computer-animated|CGI-animated]] short from [[w:Blue Sky Studios|Blue Sky Studios]] ([[w:20th Century Fox Animation|20th Century Fox Animation]]), starring [[w:Scrat|Scrat]], and a cameo of Manny, Sid, and Diego at the end. It is the fifth (or sixth if you count part two of ''[https://iceage.fandom.com/wiki/Scrat%27s_Continental_Crack-up Scrat's Continental Crack-up]'') in the series of ''Ice Age'' short films, the first being ''[[w:Gone Nutty|Gone Nutty]]'', the second being ''[[w:No Time for Nuts|No Time for Nuts]]'', the fourth being ''[[w:Surviving Sid|Surviving Sid]]'', and the fifth being being ''Scrat's Continental Crack-up''. ==Dialogue== :: '''Manny''': Hey, look, shooting stars. :: '''Sid''': Ooh, quick, make a wish, make a wish! You got to make a wish–! ''[one of the meteors catapults him on top of a tree]'' :: '''Manny''': Wow, my wish came true. :: '''Sid''': I'm okay! ''[is burnt by flames from the meteor]'' :: '''Diego''': Mine too. :: '''Sid''': ''[off-screen]'' Oh, I think I burnt my marshmallows. ==External links== * {{IMDb title|5184298}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{Wikipedia}} {{Ice Age}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2015 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2015 animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Ice Age]] [[Category:American animated short films]] 8tmmcv4ioouxvy2chvxvbleowhhi2zs 3955117 3955116 2026-06-21T18:20:23Z Hhrlan23 3222540 /* Dialogue */ 3955117 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Italic title}} '''''[[w: Cosmic Scrat-tastrophe|Cosmic Scrat-tastrophe]]''''' is a 2015 [[w:computer-animated|CGI-animated]] short from [[w:Blue Sky Studios|Blue Sky Studios]] ([[w:20th Century Fox Animation|20th Century Fox Animation]]), starring [[w:Scrat|Scrat]], and a cameo of Manny, Sid, and Diego at the end. It is the fifth (or sixth if you count part two of ''[https://iceage.fandom.com/wiki/Scrat%27s_Continental_Crack-up Scrat's Continental Crack-up]'') in the series of ''Ice Age'' short films, the first being ''[[w:Gone Nutty|Gone Nutty]]'', the second being ''[[w:No Time for Nuts|No Time for Nuts]]'', the fourth being ''[[w:Surviving Sid|Surviving Sid]]'', and the fifth being being ''Scrat's Continental Crack-up''. ==Dialogue== :'''Manny''': Hey, look, shooting stars. :'''Sid''': Ooh, quick, make a wish, make a wish! You got to make a wish–! ''[one of the meteors catapults him on top of a tree]'' :'''Manny''': Wow, my wish came true. :'''Sid''': I'm okay! ''[is burnt by flames from the meteor]'' :'''Diego''': Mine too. :'''Sid''': ''[off-screen]'' Oh, I think I burnt my marshmallows. ==External links== * {{IMDb title|5184298}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{Wikipedia}} {{Ice Age}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2015 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2015 animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Ice Age]] [[Category:American animated short films]] sfg8r84me7qj1x5ebh77bl9yl18aavz 0 308414 3955062 3954308 2026-06-21T13:46:13Z Meltedrock 3343007 /* External links */ links to newspapers reporting 3955062 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:MC Hammer (cropped).jpg|thumb|MC Hammer in 2008]] '''[[w:MC Hammer|Stanley Kirk Burrell]]''' (born March 30, 1962), better known by his stage name '''MC Hammer''' (or simply '''Hammer'''), is an American [[w:rapping|rapper]] and dancer. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == * Elevate your Thinking and Consciousness. When you measure include the measurer. ** [https://x.com/MCHammer/status/1363908982289559553 Tweet 6:50 PM · Feb 22, 2021] ** MC Hammer was disagreeing with a tweet that said: “Philosophy is flirtation with ideas. Science is commitment to truth.” He also shared an academic article about the philosophy of science and a reading list that included the work of philosopher Michael Foucault. == External links== {{Wikipedia}}[https://www.newsweek.com/mc-hammer-philosophical-tweets-spark-memes-1571272 MC Hammer’s Philosophical Tweets Spark Memes, Bemusement] [https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/mc-hammer-philosophy-science-tweet-b1806168.html MC Hammer’s philosophical tweet goes viral and sparks memes]{{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Philosophy of science]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1962 births]] kq3r951opskm5og1597jw149260z88j 0 308465 3955276 3954798 2026-06-22T10:54:11Z PieWriter 3267587 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) to last version by UDScott 3954396 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File: Itamar Ben Gvir 3 (cropped).jpg | thumb | right | Itamar Ben-Gvir (2022)]] '''[[w:Itamar Ben-Gvir|Itamar Ben-Gvir]]''' (Hebrew: אִיתָמָר בֶּן גְּבִיר [itaˈmaʁ benˈgviʁ]; born 6 May 1976) is an Israeli politician and lawyer who has served as the [[w:Ministry of National Security (Israel)|minister of national security]] since 2022, except for a two-month gap in early 2025. He is the leader of [[w:Otzma Yehudit|Otzma Yehudit]] ("Jewish Power"), an [[w:Israeli far-right|Israeli far-right]], [[w:Kahanist|Kahanist]] and [[w:anti-Arab|anti-Arab]] party which won six seats in the [[w:2022 Israeli legislative election|2022 legislative election]] and is part of the [[w:thirty-seventh government of Israel|thirty-seventh government of Israel]]. == Quotes == * My right, my wife's, my children's, to roam the roads of Judea and Samaria are more important than the right of movement of the Arabs. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-66614459 "US condemns Israeli minister Ben Gvir's 'inflammatory' Palestinian comments"] ''BBC'' (August 25, 2023) * To be clear, when we say that Hamas should be destroyed, it also means those who celebrate, those who support, and those who hand out candy — they’re all terrorists and they should all be destroyed. ** [https://mecouncil.org/blog_posts/genocide-in-palestine-an-israeli-endgame-in-gaza-and-beyond/ "Genocide in Palestine? An Israeli Endgame in Gaza and Beyond"] ''Middle East Council on Global Affairs'' (November 20, 2023) * There is no such thing as a "Palestinian people"' ** [https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/2025-11-15/ty-article-live/trump-envoy-witkoff-reportedly-planning-meeting-with-top-hamas-official-on-gaza-cease-fire/0000019a-85bc-d3ce-a7de-f5bd83780000 "Live Updates Ben-Gvir: No Such Thing as a Palestinian People, Will Not Accept a 'Terrorist State'"] ''Haaretz'' (November 16, 2025) * Israel cannot stop the demolition of houses in southern Lebanon. We simply cannot stop, that's all. ** [https://www.aa.com.tr/en/middle-east/israel-cannot-stop-home-demolitions-in-southern-lebanon-ben-gvir/3970104 "Israel cannot stop home demolitions in southern Lebanon: Ben-Gvir"] ''Anadolu Ajansı'' (June 17, 2026) * For every tear of an Israeli mother, a thousand Lebanese mothers must weep. * All of Lebanon must burn. ** Said after four Israeli soldiers were killed in Lebanon during Israeli attacks, quoted in [https://www.euronews.com/2026/06/19/all-of-lebanon-must-burn-israeli-minister-says-after-idf-reports-four-soldiers-killed "'All of Lebanon must burn,' Israeli minister says after IDF reports four soldiers killed"] ''Euronews'' (June 19, 2026) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Itamar, Ben-Gvir}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Politicians from Israel]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Lawyers from Israel]] [[Category:Jews from Israel]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:1976 births]] pbqmdasavw4ykujkkzd4n5g6lnibk9f 3955277 3955276 2026-06-22T10:54:22Z PieWriter 3267587 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) to last version by GrimRob 3954798 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File: Itamar Ben Gvir 3 (cropped).jpg | thumb | All of Lebanon must burn.]] '''[[w:Itamar Ben-Gvir|Itamar Ben-Gvir]]''' (Hebrew: אִיתָמָר בֶּן גְּבִיר [itaˈmaʁ benˈgviʁ]; born 6 May 1976) is an Israeli politician and lawyer who has served as the [[w:Ministry of National Security (Israel)|minister of national security]] since 2022, except for a two-month gap in early 2025. He is the leader of [[w:Otzma Yehudit|Otzma Yehudit]] ("Jewish Power"), an [[w:Israeli far-right|Israeli far-right]], [[w:Kahanist|Kahanist]] and [[w:anti-Arab|anti-Arab]] party which won six seats in the [[w:2022 Israeli legislative election|2022 legislative election]] and is part of the [[w:thirty-seventh government of Israel|thirty-seventh government of Israel]]. == Quotes == * My right, my wife's, my children's, to roam the roads of Judea and Samaria are more important than the right of movement of the Arabs. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-66614459 "US condemns Israeli minister Ben Gvir's 'inflammatory' Palestinian comments"] ''BBC'' (August 25, 2023) * To be clear, when we say that Hamas should be destroyed, it also means those who celebrate, those who support, and those who hand out candy — they’re all terrorists and they should all be destroyed. ** [https://mecouncil.org/blog_posts/genocide-in-palestine-an-israeli-endgame-in-gaza-and-beyond/ "Genocide in Palestine? An Israeli Endgame in Gaza and Beyond"] ''Middle East Council on Global Affairs'' (November 20, 2023) * There is no such thing as a "Palestinian people"' ** [https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/2025-11-15/ty-article-live/trump-envoy-witkoff-reportedly-planning-meeting-with-top-hamas-official-on-gaza-cease-fire/0000019a-85bc-d3ce-a7de-f5bd83780000 "Live Updates Ben-Gvir: No Such Thing as a Palestinian People, Will Not Accept a 'Terrorist State'"] ''Haaretz'' (November 16, 2025) * Israel cannot stop the demolition of houses in southern Lebanon. We simply cannot stop, that's all. ** [https://www.aa.com.tr/en/middle-east/israel-cannot-stop-home-demolitions-in-southern-lebanon-ben-gvir/3970104 "Israel cannot stop home demolitions in southern Lebanon: Ben-Gvir"] ''Anadolu Ajansı'' (June 17, 2026) * For every tear of an Israeli mother, a thousand Lebanese mothers must weep. * All of Lebanon must burn. ** Said after four Israeli soldiers were killed in Lebanon during Israeli attacks, quoted in [https://www.euronews.com/2026/06/19/all-of-lebanon-must-burn-israeli-minister-says-after-idf-reports-four-soldiers-killed "'All of Lebanon must burn,' Israeli minister says after IDF reports four soldiers killed"] ''Euronews'' (June 19, 2026) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Itamar, Ben-Gvir}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Politicians from Israel]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Lawyers from Israel]] [[Category:Jews from Israel]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:1976 births]] kptfpai5woby0j1u47etmk74wungmwn 0 308496 3955094 3954795 2026-06-21T16:20:19Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 3955094 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Blockers (2018 film)|Blockers]]''''' is a [[w:2018 in film|2018]] sex comedy film about the trio of parents who try to stop their respective daughters from losing their virginity on prom night. {{film-stub}} ==Lisa Decker== ==Hunter Lockwood== ==Mitchell Mannes== ==Dialogue== ''(Lisa and Mitchell come to her laptop to check out what is going on)'' ''(chiming continues)'' :'''Mitchell''': What the hell is that? :'''Lisa''': I have no idea. ==Cast== * [[w:Leslie Mann|Lesie Mann]] as Lisa Decker * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] as Hunter Lockwood * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] as Mitchell Mannes * [[w:Hannibal Burres|Hannibal Burres]] as Frank * [[w:June Diane Raphael|Junr Diane Raphael]] as Brenda Lockwood * [[w:Kathryn Newton|Kathryn Newton]] as Julie Decker * [[w:Gary Cole|Gary Cole]] as Ron * [[w:Gina Gershon|Gina Gershon]] as Cathy * [[w:Gideon Adlon|Gideon Adlon]] as Sam Lockwood * [[w:Geraldine Viswanathan|Geraldine Viswanathan]] as Kayla Mannes ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2018 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:American-lesbian related films]] [[Category:Films about proms]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] 1miq4ofnc8i3k2apvkwaiqih9uig72t 3955102 3955094 2026-06-21T17:08:18Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 /* Dialogue */ 3955102 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Blockers (2018 film)|Blockers]]''''' is a [[w:2018 in film|2018]] sex comedy film about the trio of parents who try to stop their respective daughters from losing their virginity on prom night. {{film-stub}} ==Lisa Decker== ==Hunter Lockwood== ==Mitchell Mannes== ==Dialogue== ''(School bell rings; Julie and a boy named Austin give each other a kiss)'' :'''Austin''': Mmm. I love you. :'''Julie''': I love you, too. ''(They kiss again)'' :'''Austin''': All right. :'''Julie''': We’re so gross. :'''Austin''': I know. :'''Julie''': People are looking at us. :'''Austin''': I don’t care. :'''Julie''': We better get “Cutest Couple” in the yearbook. ''(She slaps him and he looks at each other mockingly)'' ''(She closes her locker)'' ---- ''(Lisa and Mitchell come to her laptop to check out what is going on)'' ''(chiming continues)'' :'''Mitchell''': What the hell is that? :'''Lisa''': I have no idea. ==Cast== * [[w:Leslie Mann|Lesie Mann]] as Lisa Decker * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] as Hunter Lockwood * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] as Mitchell Mannes * [[w:Hannibal Burres|Hannibal Burres]] as Frank * [[w:June Diane Raphael|Junr Diane Raphael]] as Brenda Lockwood * [[w:Kathryn Newton|Kathryn Newton]] as Julie Decker * [[w:Gary Cole|Gary Cole]] as Ron * [[w:Gina Gershon|Gina Gershon]] as Cathy * [[w:Gideon Adlon|Gideon Adlon]] as Sam Lockwood * [[w:Geraldine Viswanathan|Geraldine Viswanathan]] as Kayla Mannes ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2018 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:American-lesbian related films]] [[Category:Films about proms]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] gdfszlgv2potg4sazdl0818pu1nk05x 3955103 3955102 2026-06-21T17:18:25Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 3955103 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Blockers (film)|Blockers]]''''' is a [[w:2018 in film|2018]] sex comedy film about the trio of parents who try to stop their respective daughters from losing their virginity on prom night. {{film-stub}} ==Lisa Decker== ==Hunter Lockwood== ==Mitchell Mannes== ==Dialogue== ''(School bell rings; Julie and a boy named Austin give each other a kiss)'' :'''Austin''': Mmm. I love you. :'''Julie''': I love you, too. ''(They kiss again)'' :'''Austin''': All right. :'''Julie''': We’re so gross. :'''Austin''': I know. :'''Julie''': People are looking at us. :'''Austin''': I don’t care. :'''Julie''': We better get “Cutest Couple” in the yearbook. ''(She slaps him and he looks at each other mockingly)'' ''(She closes her locker)'' ---- ''(Lisa and Mitchell come to her laptop to check out what is going on)'' ''(chiming continues)'' :'''Mitchell''': What the hell is that? :'''Lisa''': I have no idea. ==Cast== * [[w:Leslie Mann|Lesie Mann]] as Lisa Decker * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] as Hunter Lockwood * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] as Mitchell Mannes * [[w:Hannibal Burres|Hannibal Burres]] as Frank * [[w:June Diane Raphael|Junr Diane Raphael]] as Brenda Lockwood * [[w:Kathryn Newton|Kathryn Newton]] as Julie Decker * [[w:Gary Cole|Gary Cole]] as Ron * [[w:Gina Gershon|Gina Gershon]] as Cathy * [[w:Gideon Adlon|Gideon Adlon]] as Sam Lockwood * [[w:Geraldine Viswanathan|Geraldine Viswanathan]] as Kayla Mannes ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2018 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:American-lesbian related films]] [[Category:Films about proms]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] 7wimjpvgt06s2mjipfjdr53yjnrf5dr 3955105 3955103 2026-06-21T17:24:02Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 /* Dialogue */ 3955105 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Blockers (film)|Blockers]]''''' is a [[w:2018 in film|2018]] sex comedy film about the trio of parents who try to stop their respective daughters from losing their virginity on prom night. {{film-stub}} ==Lisa Decker== ==Hunter Lockwood== ==Mitchell Mannes== ==Dialogue== ''(School bell rings; Julie and a boy named Austin give each other a kiss)'' :'''Austin''': Mmm. I love you. :'''Julie''': I love you, too. ''(They kiss again)'' :'''Austin''': All right. :'''Julie''': We’re so gross. :'''Austin''': I know. :'''Julie''': People are looking at us. :'''Austin''': I don’t care. :'''Julie''': We better get “Cutest Couple” in the yearbook. ''(She slaps him and he looks at each other mockingly)'' ''(She closes her locker)'' ---- :'''Mitchell''': Ready, Kayla? :'''Kayla''': Yep. ''(Music on his cell phone is playing)'' :'''Mitchell''': And now, standing at 5' 7'', 5' 9'' if you count the heels, straight out of Great Lakes High School, the prettiest girl in all of prom, Kayla Mannes. ''(Kayla is wearing her prom dress as she comes downstairs)'' :'''Marcie''': ''(whoops and laughs)'' :'''Mitchell''': Oh. Just high-fives from now on. :'''Kayla''': Okay. :'''Marcie''': Oh, honey, I never thought I’d see you in a dress! :'''Mitchell''': Technically it’s not a full dress. Some material is missing from the middle there. :'''Marcie''': Okay. You look great. :'''Kayla''': All right, yeah, I think it’s time to go. :'''Marcie''': Yes. Yeah. Honey, we gotta go. ''(Mitchell sniffles)'' :'''Marcie''': Honey? :'''Kayla''': Dad, are you okay? It’s like when he watched ''Frozen''. :'''Marcie''': Come on. ''(Mitchell sniffles again)'' ---- ''(Lisa and Mitchell come to her laptop to check out what is going on)'' ''(chiming continues)'' :'''Mitchell''': What the hell is that? :'''Lisa''': I have no idea. ==Cast== * [[w:Leslie Mann|Lesie Mann]] as Lisa Decker * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] as Hunter Lockwood * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] as Mitchell Mannes * [[w:Hannibal Burres|Hannibal Burres]] as Frank * [[w:June Diane Raphael|Junr Diane Raphael]] as Brenda Lockwood * [[w:Kathryn Newton|Kathryn Newton]] as Julie Decker * [[w:Gary Cole|Gary Cole]] as Ron * [[w:Gina Gershon|Gina Gershon]] as Cathy * [[w:Gideon Adlon|Gideon Adlon]] as Sam Lockwood * [[w:Geraldine Viswanathan|Geraldine Viswanathan]] as Kayla Mannes ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2018 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:American-lesbian related films]] [[Category:Films about proms]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] npvthan8wodqwuheeyzps6lklb09kxb 3955108 3955105 2026-06-21T17:25:25Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 /* Dialogue */ 3955108 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Blockers (film)|Blockers]]''''' is a [[w:2018 in film|2018]] sex comedy film about the trio of parents who try to stop their respective daughters from losing their virginity on prom night. {{film-stub}} ==Lisa Decker== ==Hunter Lockwood== ==Mitchell Mannes== ==Dialogue== ''(School bell rings; Julie and a boy named Austin give each other a kiss)'' :'''Austin''': Mmm. I love you. :'''Julie''': I love you, too. ''(They kiss again)'' :'''Austin''': All right. :'''Julie''': We’re so gross. :'''Austin''': I know. :'''Julie''': People are looking at us. :'''Austin''': I don’t care. :'''Julie''': We better get “Cutest Couple” in the yearbook. ''(She slaps him and he looks at each other mockingly)'' ''(She closes her locker)'' ---- :'''Mitchell''': Ready, Kayla? :'''Kayla''': Yep. ''(Music on his cell phone is playing)'' :'''Mitchell''': And now, standing at 5’ 7”, 5’ 9” if you count the heels, straight out of Great Lakes High School, the prettiest girl in all of prom, Kayla Mannes. ''(Kayla is wearing her prom dress as she comes downstairs)'' :'''Marcie''': ''(whoops and laughs)'' :'''Mitchell''': Oh. Just high-fives from now on. :'''Kayla''': Okay. :'''Marcie''': Oh, honey, I never thought I’d see you in a dress! :'''Mitchell''': Technically it’s not a full dress. Some material is missing from the middle there. :'''Marcie''': Okay. You look great. :'''Kayla''': All right, yeah, I think it’s time to go. :'''Marcie''': Yes. Yeah. Honey, we gotta go. ''(Mitchell sniffles)'' :'''Marcie''': Honey? :'''Kayla''': Dad, are you okay? It’s like when he watched ''Frozen''. :'''Marcie''': Come on. ''(Mitchell sniffles again)'' ---- ''(Lisa and Mitchell come to her laptop to check out what is going on)'' ''(chiming continues)'' :'''Mitchell''': What the hell is that? :'''Lisa''': I have no idea. ==Cast== * [[w:Leslie Mann|Lesie Mann]] as Lisa Decker * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] as Hunter Lockwood * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] as Mitchell Mannes * [[w:Hannibal Burres|Hannibal Burres]] as Frank * [[w:June Diane Raphael|Junr Diane Raphael]] as Brenda Lockwood * [[w:Kathryn Newton|Kathryn Newton]] as Julie Decker * [[w:Gary Cole|Gary Cole]] as Ron * [[w:Gina Gershon|Gina Gershon]] as Cathy * [[w:Gideon Adlon|Gideon Adlon]] as Sam Lockwood * [[w:Geraldine Viswanathan|Geraldine Viswanathan]] as Kayla Mannes ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2018 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:American-lesbian related films]] [[Category:Films about proms]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] cxtc0l3jvmalze4fvad1j47y1yvz7n2 3955113 3955108 2026-06-21T17:56:38Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 /* Dialogue */ 3955113 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Blockers (film)|Blockers]]''''' is a [[w:2018 in film|2018]] sex comedy film about the trio of parents who try to stop their respective daughters from losing their virginity on prom night. {{film-stub}} ==Lisa Decker== ==Hunter Lockwood== ==Mitchell Mannes== ==Dialogue== ''(School bell rings; Julie and a boy named Austin give each other a kiss)'' :'''Austin''': Mmm. I love you. :'''Julie''': I love you, too. ''(They kiss again)'' :'''Austin''': All right. :'''Julie''': We’re so gross. :'''Austin''': I know. :'''Julie''': People are looking at us. :'''Austin''': I don’t care. :'''Julie''': We better get “Cutest Couple” in the yearbook. ''(She slaps him and he looks at each other mockingly)'' ''(She closes her locker)'' ---- :'''Mitchell''': Ready, Kayla? :'''Kayla''': Yep. ''(Music on his cell phone is playing)'' :'''Mitchell''': And now, standing at 5’ 7”, 5’ 9” if you count the heels, straight out of Great Lakes High School, the prettiest girl in all of prom, Kayla Mannes. ''(Kayla is wearing her prom dress as she comes downstairs)'' :'''Marcie''': ''(whoops and laughs)'' :'''Mitchell''': Oh. Just high-fives from now on. :'''Kayla''': Okay. :'''Marcie''': Oh, honey, I never thought I’d see you in a dress! :'''Mitchell''': Technically it’s not a full dress. Some material is missing from the middle there. :'''Marcie''': Okay. You look great. :'''Kayla''': All right, yeah, I think it’s time to go. :'''Marcie''': Yes. Yeah. Honey, we gotta go. ''(Mitchell sniffles)'' :'''Marcie''': Honey? :'''Kayla''': Dad, are you okay? It’s like when he watched ''Frozen''. :'''Marcie''': Come on. ''(Mitchell sniffles again)'' ---- ''(Lisa and Mitchell come to her laptop to check out what is going on)'' ''(chiming continues)'' :'''Mitchell''': What the hell is that? :'''Lisa''': I have no idea. ---- :'''Mitchell''': How are we supposed to find them in this place? It’s got, like, 20 rooms. :'''Hunter''': I’m sorry, what the fuck are you talking about? “Twenty”? It’s got, like, 200! What? Twenty? :'''Lisa''': Grand Lux Suite is on the top floor. :'''Hunter''': Go, go, go! Move! Hurry, Lisa! ''(So Lisa, Hunter and Mitchell quickly rush off to the elevator)'' ==Cast== * [[w:Leslie Mann|Lesie Mann]] as Lisa Decker * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] as Hunter Lockwood * [[w:John Cena|John Cena]] as Mitchell Mannes * [[w:Hannibal Burres|Hannibal Burres]] as Frank * [[w:June Diane Raphael|Junr Diane Raphael]] as Brenda Lockwood * [[w:Kathryn Newton|Kathryn Newton]] as Julie Decker * [[w:Gary Cole|Gary Cole]] as Ron * [[w:Gina Gershon|Gina Gershon]] as Cathy * [[w:Gideon Adlon|Gideon Adlon]] as Sam Lockwood * [[w:Geraldine Viswanathan|Geraldine Viswanathan]] as Kayla Mannes ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2018 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:American-lesbian related films]] [[Category:Films about proms]] [[Category:Sex comedy films]] 8a01v4i04c88y1vaxwt7gcb33dj9sqx 14 308508 3955282 3954849 2026-06-22T11:57:31Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Historians]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3955282 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:People of the Crusades]] [[Category:Historians]] ixsfqsfw4ha1n646cf1tge6oy91lc0j 0 308531 3955087 2026-06-21T16:09:58Z Gilldragon 2514030 Created page with "'''[[w:Carlo Matteucci|]]''' (20 June 1811 – 24 June 1868) was an Italian physicist and neurophysiologist. == Quotes == *During life there is a continual struggle between the physical and vital forces; death is the triumph of the former over the latter. But shall this be deemed a sufficient proof that vital and physical forces are essentially distinct, and opposite in their modes of action? Would it be correct to say, that the different parts which together form an a..." 3955087 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Carlo Matteucci|Carlo Matteucci]]''' (20 June 1811 – 24 June 1868) was an Italian physicist and neurophysiologist. == Quotes == *During life there is a continual struggle between the physical and vital forces; death is the triumph of the former over the latter. But shall this be deemed a sufficient proof that vital and physical forces are essentially distinct, and opposite in their modes of action? Would it be correct to say, that the different parts which together form an arch are endowed with a force opposed to gravity merely because they do not fall? ** [https://archive.org/details/lecturesonphysic00mattrich/page/19 ''Lectures on the Physical Phenomena of Living Beings''] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Matteucci, Carlo}} [[Category:1811 births]] [[Category:1868 deaths]] o4fgifl6rodbwp3558dn9cvuxo3ycl9 0 308532 3955092 2026-06-21T16:18:03Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 Created page with "{{italic title}} '''''[[w:Neighbors 2|Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising]]''''' (released in some countries as '''''Bad Neighbours 2''''') is a [[w:2016 in film|2016]] comedy film about a young couple who are attempting to sell their home to move to the suburbs. :''Directed by [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]]. Written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]], [[Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]], [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]], w:Evan Goldberg|E..." 3955092 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Neighbors 2|Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising]]''''' (released in some countries as '''''Bad Neighbours 2''''') is a [[w:2016 in film|2016]] comedy film about a young couple who are attempting to sell their home to move to the suburbs. :''Directed by [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]]. Written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]], [[Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]], [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]], [[w:Evan Goldberg|Evan Goldberg]] and [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]]. {{film-stubs}} i2zxn7uanmm8toqbfpsh0jnxwr8xno2 3955096 3955092 2026-06-21T16:37:25Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 3955096 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Neighbors 2|Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising]]''''' (released in some countries as '''''Bad Neighbours 2''''') is a [[w:2016 in film|2016]] comedy film about a young couple who are attempting to sell their home to move to the suburbs. :''Directed by [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]]. Written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]], [[Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]], [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]], [[w:Evan Goldberg|Evan Goldberg]] and [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]]. ==Mac Radner== ==Teddy Sanders== ==Rose Byrne== ==Shelby Robek== ==Dialogue== :'''Shelby''': I am so happy I found you guys. That was the most weird party ever. I thought college parties were supposed to be fun or something. :'''Nora''': Yeah, I felt unsafe. :'''Beth''': It was super rapey in there. :'''Nora''': If I’m being honest, I’ve never done drugs before, but college is about new experiences. ==Cast== * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] as Mac Radner * [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] as Teddy Sanders * [[w:Rose Byrne|Rose Byrne]] as Kelly Radner * [[w:Chloë Grace Moretz|Chloë Grace Moretz]] as Shelby Robek * [[w:Dave Franco|Dave Franco]] as Pete Reguzolli * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] as Jimmy Blevins * [[w:Jerrod Carmichael|Jerrod Carmichael]] as Garfield "Garf" Slade * [[w:Carla Gallo|Carla Gallo]] as Paula Faldt-Blevins * [[w:Kiersey Clemons|Kiersey Clemons]] as Beth Gladstone * [[w:Beanie Feldstein|Beanie Feldstein]] as Nora Clerk * [[w:Christopher Mintz-Plasse|Christopher Mintz-Plasse]] as Scoonie ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2016 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:Films about fraternities and sororities]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] 91bccv3cxuts0yiji9jaxugv6jwppk4 3955097 3955096 2026-06-21T16:38:32Z ~2026-25217-78 3313596 /* */ 3955097 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Neighbors 2|Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising]]''''' (released in some countries as '''''Bad Neighbours 2''''') is a [[w:2016 in film|2016]] comedy film about a young couple who are attempting to sell their home to move to the suburbs. :''Directed by [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]]. Written by [[w:Andrew J. Cohen|Andrew J. Cohen]], [[w:Brendan O'Brien (screenwriter)|Brendan O'Brien]], [[w:Nicholas Stoller|Nicholas Stoller]], [[w:Evan Goldberg|Evan Goldberg]] and [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]]. ==Mac Radner== ==Teddy Sanders== ==Rose Byrne== ==Shelby Robek== ==Dialogue== :'''Shelby''': I am so happy I found you guys. That was the most weird party ever. I thought college parties were supposed to be fun or something. :'''Nora''': Yeah, I felt unsafe. :'''Beth''': It was super rapey in there. :'''Nora''': If I’m being honest, I’ve never done drugs before, but college is about new experiences. ==Cast== * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] as Mac Radner * [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] as Teddy Sanders * [[w:Rose Byrne|Rose Byrne]] as Kelly Radner * [[w:Chloë Grace Moretz|Chloë Grace Moretz]] as Shelby Robek * [[w:Dave Franco|Dave Franco]] as Pete Reguzolli * [[w:Ike Barinholtz|Ike Barinholtz]] as Jimmy Blevins * [[w:Jerrod Carmichael|Jerrod Carmichael]] as Garfield "Garf" Slade * [[w:Carla Gallo|Carla Gallo]] as Paula Faldt-Blevins * [[w:Kiersey Clemons|Kiersey Clemons]] as Beth Gladstone * [[w:Beanie Feldstein|Beanie Feldstein]] as Nora Clerk * [[w:Christopher Mintz-Plasse|Christopher Mintz-Plasse]] as Scoonie ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2016 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:American comedy films]] [[Category:Films about fraternities and sororities]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] h6vd6xllg81hkrb4llf6aball6ysuuq 0 308533 3955099 2026-06-21T16:53:28Z Suslindisambiguator 275269 created page with 2 quotes from Forest Ray Moulton & 1 quote about him 3955099 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Forest Ray Moulton}}''' (April 29, 1872 &ndash; December 7, 1952) was an American professor of [[astronomy]] and [[mathematics]] at the {{w|University of Chicago}}, author of several books, and ballistics expert serving as a U.S. Army major in [[World War I]]. His book [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.6454 ''An Introduction to Celestial Mechanics''] was translated into German as [https://catalog.hathitrust.org/Record/001990339 ''Einführung in die Himmelsmechanik''] (Teubner, 1927). Moulton was elected in 1910 to the U.S. {{w|National Academy of Sciences}}, in 1916 to the {{w|American Philosophical Society}}, and in 1919 to the {{w|American Academy of Arts and Sciences}}. ==Quotes== * [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] calls the {{w|Newton's Laws of Motion|Laws of Motion}} ''Axioms'', and after giving each, makes a few remarks concerning its import. Later writers, among whom are [[William Thomson|Thomson]] and [[Peter Guthrie Tait|Tait]],† regard them as inferences from experience, but accept Newton's formulation of them as practically final, and adopt them in the precise form in which they were given in the [[Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica|''Principia'']]. A number of Continental writers, among them is Dr. [[Ernst Mach]], have given profound thought to the fundamental principles of [[Mechanics]], and have concluded that they are not only ''inductions'' or simply ''conventions'', but that Newton's statement of them is somewhat redundant, and lacks scientific directness and simplicity. There is no suggestion, however, that Newton's Laws of Motion are not in harmony with ordinary astronomical experience, or that they cannot be made the basis for {{w|Celestial mechanics|Celestial Mechanics}}. But in some branches of [[Physics]], particularly in [[Electricity]] and [[Light]], certain phenomena are not fully consistent with the Newtonian principles, and they have led [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] and others to the development of the so-called {{w|Principle of relativity|''Principle of Relativity''}}.<br>†{{w|Treatise on Natural Philosophy|''Natural Philosophy''}}, [https://books.google.com/books?id=QlpIS5tae20C&pg=PA240 vol. I, Art. 243.] * {{cite book|title=An Introduction to Celestial Mechanics|series=Dover books in astronomy|publisher=Courier Corporation|year=1970|isnb=9780486646879|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=URPSrBntwdAC&pg=PA3|pages=3–4}} (436 pages; reprint of 1914 2nd, revised edition; 1st edition published in 1902 by Macmillan) * The {{w|Three-body problem|problem of three bodies}} received a great impetus in 1878, when [[George William Hill|Hill]] published his {{w|George William Hill#Work on mathematical astronomy|celebrated researches upon the lunar theory}}. His investigations were carried out with practical objects in mind, and comparatively little attention was given to the underlying logic of the processes which he invented. For example, the legitimacy of the use of infinite determinants was assumed, the validity of the solution of infinite systems of non-linear equations was not questioned, and the conditions for the convergence of the infinite series which he used were stated to be quite unknown. These deficiencies in the logic of his work do not detract from the brilliancy and value of his ideas, and his skill in carrying them out excites only the highest admiration.<br>The work of Hill was followed in the early nineties but the epoch-making researches of [[Henri Poincaré|Poincaré]] ... ** {{cite book|title=Periodic Orbits|publisher=Johnson Reprint Corporation|year=1963|page=iii}} (524 pages; reprint of 1920 book, Volume 161 of Publications of the Carnegie Institution of Washington; [https://books.google.com/books?id=pS5UAAAAYAAJ&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=legitimacy 1st part of quote]; [https://books.google.com/books?id=pS5UAAAAYAAJ&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=epoch-making last part of quote]) ==Quotes about Forest Ray Moulton== * Moulton’s ''Periodic Orbits'', published in 1920, is a 500-page volume that collects articles from himself and his doctoral students over the previous 20 years. ...<br>[[Henri Poincaré|Poincaré]]’s work, particularly ''{{w|Henri Poincaré#Astronomy and celestial mechanics|Les Méthodes Nouvelles de la Méchanique Celeste}}'', had a considerable influence on Moulton, and it was his methods that Moulton worked to extend to more specific practical problems. Poincaré was also a model for Moulton’s emphasis on rigor.<br>One of Moulton’s major projects was designed to develop a rigorous method to compute the orbit of the moon using a power series proved to converge for a finite interval of time. (Earlier {{w|Karl F. Sundman|Karl Sundman}} had shown that there was a uniformly convergent power series solution for the three-body problem, but it was known that this had little practical value because the convergence was so slow.) ...<br>Moulton’s name is largely remembered today for his textbook on celestial mechanics and for his theorem that the number of equivalence classes of collinear central configurations for the n-body problem is exactly n!/2. ** [https://www.siam.org/publications/siam-news/authors/bill-satzer/ Bill Satzer], {{cite web|title=review of ''Periodic Orbits: F.R. Moulton’s Quest for a New Lunar Theory'' by Craig A. Stephenson|website=MAA Reviews, maa.org|date=JULY 18, 2021|url=https://maa.org/book-reviews/periodic-orbits-f-r-moultons-quest-for-a-new-lunar-theory/}} ==External links== * {{wikipedia-inline}} * {{MacTutor Biography|id=Moulton}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Moulton, Forest Ray}} [[Category:1872 births]] [[Category:1952 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Astronomers from the United States]] [[Category:Fellows of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences]] [[Category:Mathematicians from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Members of the United States National Academy of Sciences]] [[Category:People from Michigan]] [[Category:Science authors from the United States]] [[Category:University of Chicago alumni]] [[Category:University of Chicago faculty]] 9os6p6uog9e480dul8qtnfpasbbvmuy 3955270 3955099 2026-06-22T08:47:55Z Suslindisambiguator 275269 /* Quotes */ added quote from "An Introduction to Astronomy" 3955270 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Forest Ray Moulton}}''' (April 29, 1872 &ndash; December 7, 1952) was an American professor of [[astronomy]] and [[mathematics]] at the {{w|University of Chicago}}, author of several books, and ballistics expert serving as a U.S. Army major in [[World War I]]. His book [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.6454 ''An Introduction to Celestial Mechanics''] was translated into German as [https://catalog.hathitrust.org/Record/001990339 ''Einführung in die Himmelsmechanik''] (Teubner, 1927). Moulton was elected in 1910 to the U.S. {{w|National Academy of Sciences}}, in 1916 to the {{w|American Philosophical Society}}, and in 1919 to the {{w|American Academy of Arts and Sciences}}. ==Quotes== * [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] calls the {{w|Newton's Laws of Motion|Laws of Motion}} ''Axioms'', and after giving each, makes a few remarks concerning its import. Later writers, among whom are [[William Thomson|Thomson]] and [[Peter Guthrie Tait|Tait]],† regard them as inferences from experience, but accept Newton's formulation of them as practically final, and adopt them in the precise form in which they were given in the [[Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica|''Principia'']]. A number of Continental writers, among them is Dr. [[Ernst Mach]], have given profound thought to the fundamental principles of [[Mechanics]], and have concluded that they are not only ''inductions'' or simply ''conventions'', but that Newton's statement of them is somewhat redundant, and lacks scientific directness and simplicity. There is no suggestion, however, that Newton's Laws of Motion are not in harmony with ordinary astronomical experience, or that they cannot be made the basis for {{w|Celestial mechanics|Celestial Mechanics}}. But in some branches of [[Physics]], particularly in [[Electricity]] and [[Light]], certain phenomena are not fully consistent with the Newtonian principles, and they have led [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] and others to the development of the so-called {{w|Principle of relativity|''Principle of Relativity''}}.<br>†{{w|Treatise on Natural Philosophy|''Natural Philosophy''}}, [https://books.google.com/books?id=QlpIS5tae20C&pg=PA240 vol. I, Art. 243.] ** {{cite book|title=An Introduction to Celestial Mechanics|series=Dover books in astronomy|publisher=Courier Corporation|year=1970|isnb=9780486646879|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=URPSrBntwdAC&pg=PA3|pages=3–4}} (436 pages; reprint of 1914 2nd, revised edition; 1st edition published in 1902 by Macmillan) * [[Astronomy]] is a [[science]]. That is, it is one of those subjects, such as [[physics]], [[chemistry]], [[geology]], and [[biology]], which have made the present age in very many respects altogether different from any earlier one. Indeed, it is the oldest science and the parent of a number of the others, and, in many respects, it is the most perfect one. For these [[:wiktionary:reason|reason]]s it illustrates most simply and clearly the characteristics of science. ** {{cite book|title=An Introduction to Astronomy|edition=2nd revised|publisher=Macmillan|year=1916|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=mg48AAAAMAAJ&pg=PA2|page=2}} (577 pages; 1st edition 1906) * The {{w|Three-body problem|problem of three bodies}} received a great impetus in 1878, when [[George William Hill|Hill]] published his {{w|George William Hill#Work on mathematical astronomy|celebrated researches upon the lunar theory}}. His investigations were carried out with practical objects in mind, and comparatively little attention was given to the underlying logic of the processes which he invented. For example, the legitimacy of the use of infinite determinants was assumed, the validity of the solution of infinite systems of non-linear equations was not questioned, and the conditions for the convergence of the infinite series which he used were stated to be quite unknown. These deficiencies in the logic of his work do not detract from the brilliancy and value of his ideas, and his skill in carrying them out excites only the highest admiration.<br>The work of Hill was followed in the early nineties but the epoch-making researches of [[Henri Poincaré|Poincaré]] ... ** {{cite book|title=Periodic Orbits|publisher=Johnson Reprint Corporation|year=1963|page=iii}} (524 pages; reprint of 1920 book, Volume 161 of Publications of the Carnegie Institution of Washington; [https://books.google.com/books?id=pS5UAAAAYAAJ&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=legitimacy 1st part of quote]; [https://books.google.com/books?id=pS5UAAAAYAAJ&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=epoch-making last part of quote]) ==Quotes about Forest Ray Moulton== * Moulton’s ''Periodic Orbits'', published in 1920, is a 500-page volume that collects articles from himself and his doctoral students over the previous 20 years. ...<br>[[Henri Poincaré|Poincaré]]’s work, particularly ''{{w|Henri Poincaré#Astronomy and celestial mechanics|Les Méthodes Nouvelles de la Méchanique Celeste}}'', had a considerable influence on Moulton, and it was his methods that Moulton worked to extend to more specific practical problems. Poincaré was also a model for Moulton’s emphasis on rigor.<br>One of Moulton’s major projects was designed to develop a rigorous method to compute the orbit of the moon using a power series proved to converge for a finite interval of time. (Earlier {{w|Karl F. Sundman|Karl Sundman}} had shown that there was a uniformly convergent power series solution for the three-body problem, but it was known that this had little practical value because the convergence was so slow.) ...<br>Moulton’s name is largely remembered today for his textbook on celestial mechanics and for his theorem that the number of equivalence classes of collinear central configurations for the n-body problem is exactly n!/2. ** [https://www.siam.org/publications/siam-news/authors/bill-satzer/ Bill Satzer], {{cite web|title=review of ''Periodic Orbits: F.R. Moulton’s Quest for a New Lunar Theory'' by Craig A. Stephenson|website=MAA Reviews, maa.org|date=JULY 18, 2021|url=https://maa.org/book-reviews/periodic-orbits-f-r-moultons-quest-for-a-new-lunar-theory/}} ==External links== * {{wikipedia-inline}} * {{MacTutor Biography|id=Moulton}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Moulton, Forest Ray}} [[Category:1872 births]] [[Category:1952 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Astronomers from the United States]] [[Category:Fellows of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences]] [[Category:Mathematicians from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Members of the United States National Academy of Sciences]] [[Category:People from Michigan]] [[Category:Science authors from the United States]] [[Category:University of Chicago alumni]] [[Category:University of Chicago faculty]] bty66n9d3p6kz7z8dollg52h321shl8 0 308534 3955101 2026-06-21T16:57:54Z Gilldragon 2514030 Created page with "'''[[w:José Raúl Vera López|]]''' (21 June 1945) is a Mexican prelate of the Catholic Church who served as the bishop of [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Ciudad Altamirano|Diocese of Ciudad Altamirano]] and the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Saltillo|Diocese of Saltillo]]. == Quotes == *Do not sell your vote, it is a moral issue. When you get to a government position through bribery, corruption remains, there will still be corruption.I t exists, and you can see a lot of..." 3955101 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:José Raúl Vera López|José Raúl Vera López]]''' (21 June 1945) is a Mexican prelate of the Catholic Church who served as the bishop of [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Ciudad Altamirano|Diocese of Ciudad Altamirano]] and the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Saltillo|Diocese of Saltillo]]. == Quotes == *Do not sell your vote, it is a moral issue. When you get to a government position through bribery, corruption remains, there will still be corruption.I t exists, and you can see a lot of corruption in public organizations. There is impunity because in cases of disappearances, murders, crimes, robberies and beatings, no one gives an answer. We have been seeing it, feeling it, living it and breathing it, for a long time and every day. ** [https://fides.org/en/news/31747-AMERICA_MEXICO_The_Bishop_of_Saltillo_Do_not_sell_your_vote_it_is_a_moral_issue The Bishop of Saltillo: "Do not sell your vote, it is a moral issue" (18 June 2012) ''Fides News Agency''] == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Vera López, José Raúl}} [[Category:1945 births]] [[Category:Catholics from Mexico]] [[Category:Roman Catholic bishops]] [[Category:Living people]] 186yf5guzd2pi8cfuqmgc10jbzvksk3 0 308535 3955119 2026-06-21T18:28:10Z Hhrlan23 3222540 Created page with "{{Italic title}} '''''[[w:Scrat: Spaced Out|Scrat: Spaced Out]]''''' is a 2016 [[w:computer-animated|CGI-animated]] short from [[w:Blue Sky Studios|Blue Sky Studios]] ([[w:20th Century Fox Animation|20th Century Fox Animation]]), starring [[w:Scrat|Scrat]]. ==Dialogue== :''[last lines, Neil deBuck Weasel talks about the black hole]'' :'''Neil deBuck Weasel''': The [[w:Black hole|black hole]]. No piece of cosmic garbage is too small, too insignificant, or too pathetic to..." 3955119 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Italic title}} '''''[[w:Scrat: Spaced Out|Scrat: Spaced Out]]''''' is a 2016 [[w:computer-animated|CGI-animated]] short from [[w:Blue Sky Studios|Blue Sky Studios]] ([[w:20th Century Fox Animation|20th Century Fox Animation]]), starring [[w:Scrat|Scrat]]. ==Dialogue== :''[last lines, Neil deBuck Weasel talks about the black hole]'' :'''Neil deBuck Weasel''': The [[w:Black hole|black hole]]. No piece of cosmic garbage is too small, too insignificant, or too pathetic to escape its mighty– ''[Scrat and his acorn finally escape from the black hole]'' Ah, never mind. :''[As Scrat hugs his acorn, The Black hole (in a smaller form) reappears sucking the acorn away and disappears. Scrat looked surprised, then he screams in frustration as he floats in space]'' ==External links== * {{IMDb title|6151810}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{Wikipedia}} {{Ice Age}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2016 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2016 animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Ice Age]] [[Category:American animated short films]] jqy06tq8td9s403ecfkjvwyn2sw2wku 0 308536 3955121 2026-06-21T19:02:28Z ~2026-36017-00 3344336 Created page with "[[File:The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga.PNG|thumb|The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga]] '''[[w:Aloysius Gonzaga|Aloysius de Gonzaga]]''', SJ (in Italian: Luigi Gonzaga; 9 March 1568 - 21 June 1591) was an [[w:Italian people|Italian]] [[w:aristocracy (class)|aristocrat]] who became a member of the [[w:Society of Jesus|Society of Jesus]]. While still a student at the [[Roman College]], he died as a result of caring for the victims of a serious epidemic. He was ..." 3955121 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga.PNG|thumb|The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga]] '''[[w:Aloysius Gonzaga|Aloysius de Gonzaga]]''', SJ (in Italian: Luigi Gonzaga; 9 March 1568 - 21 June 1591) was an [[w:Italian people|Italian]] [[w:aristocracy (class)|aristocrat]] who became a member of the [[w:Society of Jesus|Society of Jesus]]. While still a student at the [[Roman College]], he died as a result of caring for the victims of a serious epidemic. He was [[w:Beatification|beatified]] in 1605 and [[w:canonization|canonized]] in 1726. ==Quotes== *What God does is all well done: if He takes away from us what He had previously given us, He does it to secure it in an inviolable place. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. *[[Christ]] the Lord, because of the great love that his creatures bring to us, wanted particular memory to be made of certain Saints, so that they might be as our protectors; they would help us in our spiritual and material needs and give us occasion to imitate their virtues. [...] Having a desire for some virtue we must resort to the Saints: thus, wanting to obtain from God the fortress, we must ask for it from the Martyrs; wanting Penance, from the Confessors; for humility we must particularly resort to the Blessed Virgin Mother of God, as the most reported of the creatures excellent in this virtue. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. ==External links== {{similar links}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Gonzaga, Aloysius}} [[Category:1568 births]] [[Category:1591 deaths]] [[Category:Aristocrats from Italy]] [[Category:Jesuits]] [[Category:Roman Catholic priests]] [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Roman Catholic saints]] [[Category:Theologians from Italy]] [[Category:Religious leaders]] o4whexj0y21ps3j8ct5omo2a9vrxdgt 3955122 3955121 2026-06-21T19:02:55Z ~2026-36017-00 3344336 3955122 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga.PNG|thumb|The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga]] '''[[w:Aloysius Gonzaga|Aloysius de Gonzaga]]''', SJ (in Italian: Luigi Gonzaga; 9 March 1568 - 21 June 1591) was an [[w:Italian people|Italian]] [[w:aristocracy (class)|aristocrat]] who became a member of the [[w:Society of Jesus|Society of Jesus]]. While still a student at the [[w:Roman College|Roman College]], he died as a result of caring for the victims of a serious epidemic. He was [[w:Beatification|beatified]] in 1605 and [[w:canonization|canonized]] in 1726. ==Quotes== *What God does is all well done: if He takes away from us what He had previously given us, He does it to secure it in an inviolable place. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. *[[Christ]] the Lord, because of the great love that his creatures bring to us, wanted particular memory to be made of certain Saints, so that they might be as our protectors; they would help us in our spiritual and material needs and give us occasion to imitate their virtues. [...] Having a desire for some virtue we must resort to the Saints: thus, wanting to obtain from God the fortress, we must ask for it from the Martyrs; wanting Penance, from the Confessors; for humility we must particularly resort to the Blessed Virgin Mother of God, as the most reported of the creatures excellent in this virtue. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. ==External links== {{similar links}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Gonzaga, Aloysius}} [[Category:1568 births]] [[Category:1591 deaths]] [[Category:Aristocrats from Italy]] [[Category:Jesuits]] [[Category:Roman Catholic priests]] [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Roman Catholic saints]] [[Category:Theologians from Italy]] [[Category:Religious leaders]] 5pe1is9gl7kvbcx52nyqqkq4hmkjrhj 3955125 3955122 2026-06-21T19:04:27Z ~2026-36017-00 3344336 /* External links */ 3955125 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga.PNG|thumb|The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga]] '''[[w:Aloysius Gonzaga|Aloysius de Gonzaga]]''', SJ (in Italian: Luigi Gonzaga; 9 March 1568 - 21 June 1591) was an [[w:Italian people|Italian]] [[w:aristocracy (class)|aristocrat]] who became a member of the [[w:Society of Jesus|Society of Jesus]]. While still a student at the [[w:Roman College|Roman College]], he died as a result of caring for the victims of a serious epidemic. He was [[w:Beatification|beatified]] in 1605 and [[w:canonization|canonized]] in 1726. ==Quotes== *What God does is all well done: if He takes away from us what He had previously given us, He does it to secure it in an inviolable place. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. *[[Christ]] the Lord, because of the great love that his creatures bring to us, wanted particular memory to be made of certain Saints, so that they might be as our protectors; they would help us in our spiritual and material needs and give us occasion to imitate their virtues. [...] Having a desire for some virtue we must resort to the Saints: thus, wanting to obtain from God the fortress, we must ask for it from the Martyrs; wanting Penance, from the Confessors; for humility we must particularly resort to the Blessed Virgin Mother of God, as the most reported of the creatures excellent in this virtue. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. ==External links== {{similar links}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Gonzaga, Aloysius}} [[Category:1568 births]] [[Category:1591 deaths]] [[Category:Aristocrats from Italy]] [[Category:Jesuits]] [[Category:Roman Catholic priests]] [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Catholic saints]] [[Category:Theologians from Italy]] [[Category:Religious leaders]] 4qaaiwm3mr0li7i22j1s8dbrtw9a5co 3955130 3955125 2026-06-21T19:21:31Z ~2026-36126-62 3344340 /* Quotes */ 3955130 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga.PNG|thumb|The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga]] '''[[w:Aloysius Gonzaga|Aloysius de Gonzaga]]''', SJ (in Italian: Luigi Gonzaga; 9 March 1568 - 21 June 1591) was an [[w:Italian people|Italian]] [[w:aristocracy (class)|aristocrat]] who became a member of the [[w:Society of Jesus|Society of Jesus]]. While still a student at the [[w:Roman College|Roman College]], he died as a result of caring for the victims of a serious epidemic. He was [[w:Beatification|beatified]] in 1605 and [[w:canonization|canonized]] in 1726. ==Quotes== *What God does is all well done: if He takes away from us what He had previously given us, He does it to secure it in an inviolable place. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. *[[Christ]] the Lord, because of the great love that his creatures bring to us, wanted particular memory to be made of certain Saints, so that they might be as our protectors; they would help us in our spiritual and material needs and give us occasion to imitate their virtues. [...] Having a desire for some virtue we must resort to the Saints: thus, wanting to obtain from God the fortress, we must ask for it from the Martyrs; wanting Penance, from the Confessors; for humility we must particularly resort to the Blessed Virgin Mother of God, as the most reported of the creatures excellent in this virtue. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. *I call upon you, my lady, the gift of the Holy Spirit and endless consolations. When they brought me your letter, they still find me in this region of the dead. But let us be animated and aim our aspirations towards heaven, where we will praise eternal God in the land of the living. For my part, I would have long wanted to find each other and, honestly, I had hoped to leave for it even before now. Charity consists, as St. Paul says, in «rejoicing with those who are in joy and weeping with those who are in weeping». Therefore, most illustrious mother, you must rejoice greatly because, through your merit, God indicates true happiness to me and frees me from the fear of losing him. I will confide to you, O most illustrious lady, that by meditating on divine goodness, a bottomless and borderless sea, my mind goes astray. I cannot understand how the Lord looks at my small and brief toil and rewards me with eternal rest and from heaven invites me to that happiness that I have so far sought negligently and offers me, which I have shed very few tears for it, that treasure that is the crowning achievement of great toil and weeping. O most illustrious lady, be careful not to offend the infinite divine goodness, weeping as dead those who live in the presence of God and who with his intercession can meet your needs much more than in this life. The separation will not be long. We shall see ourselves again in heaven and together united with the author of our salvation we shall enjoy immortal joys, praising him with all the capacity of the soul and singing his graces without end. He takes away from us what he had previously given us only to place it in a safer and more inviolable place and to adorn us with those goods that we ourselves would choose. I have said these things only to obey my ardent wish that you, O most illustrious lady, and the whole family, consider my departure as a joyful event. ==External links== {{similar links}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Gonzaga, Aloysius}} [[Category:1568 births]] [[Category:1591 deaths]] [[Category:Aristocrats from Italy]] [[Category:Jesuits]] [[Category:Roman Catholic priests]] [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Catholic saints]] [[Category:Theologians from Italy]] [[Category:Religious leaders]] 0ic7wp163pe60r6yfa46axnn98ojcif 3955131 3955130 2026-06-21T19:22:55Z ~2026-36126-62 3344340 /* Quotes */ 3955131 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga.PNG|thumb|The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga]] '''[[w:Aloysius Gonzaga|Aloysius de Gonzaga]]''', SJ (in Italian: Luigi Gonzaga; 9 March 1568 - 21 June 1591) was an [[w:Italian people|Italian]] [[w:aristocracy (class)|aristocrat]] who became a member of the [[w:Society of Jesus|Society of Jesus]]. While still a student at the [[w:Roman College|Roman College]], he died as a result of caring for the victims of a serious epidemic. He was [[w:Beatification|beatified]] in 1605 and [[w:canonization|canonized]] in 1726. ==Quotes== *What God does is all well done: if He takes away from us what He had previously given us, He does it to secure it in an inviolable place. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. *[[Christ]] the Lord, because of the great love that his creatures bring to us, wanted particular memory to be made of certain Saints, so that they might be as our protectors; they would help us in our spiritual and material needs and give us occasion to imitate their virtues. [...] Having a desire for some virtue we must resort to the Saints: thus, wanting to obtain from God the fortress, we must ask for it from the Martyrs; wanting Penance, from the Confessors; for humility we must particularly resort to the Blessed Virgin Mother of God, as the most reported of the creatures excellent in this virtue. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. *I call upon you, my lady, the gift of the Holy Spirit and endless consolations. When they brought me your letter, they still find me in this region of the dead. But let us be animated and aim our aspirations towards heaven, where we will praise eternal God in the land of the living. For my part, I would have long wanted to find each other and, honestly, I had hoped to leave for it even before now. Charity consists, as St. Paul says, in «rejoicing with those who are in joy and weeping with those who are in weeping». Therefore, most illustrious mother, you must rejoice greatly because, through your merit, God indicates true happiness to me and frees me from the fear of losing him. I will confide to you, O most illustrious lady, that by meditating on divine goodness, a bottomless and borderless sea, my mind goes astray. I cannot understand how the Lord looks at my small and brief toil and rewards me with eternal rest and from heaven invites me to that happiness that I have so far sought negligently and offers me, which I have shed very few tears for it, that treasure that is the crowning achievement of great toil and weeping. O most illustrious lady, be careful not to offend the infinite divine goodness, weeping as dead those who live in the presence of God and who with his intercession can meet your needs much more than in this life. The separation will not be long. We shall see ourselves again in heaven and together united with the author of our salvation we shall enjoy immortal joys, praising him with all the capacity of the soul and singing his graces without end. He takes away from us what he had previously given us only to place it in a safer and more inviolable place and to adorn us with those goods that we ourselves would choose. I have said these things only to obey my ardent wish that you, O most illustrious lady, and the whole family, consider my departure as a joyful event. And you continue to assist me with your maternal blessing, while I am at sea towards the port of all my hopes. I preferred to write to you because I have nothing left with which to manifest to you more clearly the love and respect that, as a son, I owe to my mother. :*''[https://www.radiospada.org/2016/05/da-una-lettera-di-san-luigi-gonzaga-alla-madre-marta-tana-di-santena-parole-di-verita/ From a Letter to His Mother Marthe Tana of Santena], 8 May 2016. ==External links== {{similar links}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Gonzaga, Aloysius}} [[Category:1568 births]] [[Category:1591 deaths]] [[Category:Aristocrats from Italy]] [[Category:Jesuits]] [[Category:Roman Catholic priests]] [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Catholic saints]] [[Category:Theologians from Italy]] [[Category:Religious leaders]] 5zsddu7mbgbn13fubq2gr3pqmzyd0in 3955133 3955131 2026-06-21T19:27:42Z ~2026-36126-62 3344340 /* Quotes */ 3955133 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga.PNG|thumb|The Vocation of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga]] '''[[w:Aloysius Gonzaga|Aloysius de Gonzaga]]''', SJ (in Italian: Luigi Gonzaga; 9 March 1568 - 21 June 1591) was an [[w:Italian people|Italian]] [[w:aristocracy (class)|aristocrat]] who became a member of the [[w:Society of Jesus|Society of Jesus]]. While still a student at the [[w:Roman College|Roman College]], he died as a result of caring for the victims of a serious epidemic. He was [[w:Beatification|beatified]] in 1605 and [[w:canonization|canonized]] in 1726. ==Quotes== *What God does is all well done: if He takes away from us what He had previously given us, He does it to secure it in an inviolable place. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. *[[Christ]] the Lord, because of the great love that his creatures bring to us, wanted particular memory to be made of certain Saints, so that they might be as our protectors; they would help us in our spiritual and material needs and give us occasion to imitate their virtues. [...] Having a desire for some virtue we must resort to the Saints: thus, wanting to obtain from God the fortress, we must ask for it from the Martyrs; wanting Penance, from the Confessors; for humility we must particularly resort to the Blessed Virgin Mother of God, as the most reported of the creatures excellent in this virtue. :*[https://www.sanluigisantuario.it/it/santo/frasi-di-san-luigi-gonzaga/ Sanctuary dedicated to Aloysius Gonzaga]. *I call upon you, my lady, the gift of the Holy Spirit and endless consolations. When they brought me your letter, they still find me in this region of the dead. But let us be animated and aim our aspirations towards heaven, where we will praise eternal God in the land of the living. For my part, I would have long wanted to find each other and, honestly, I had hoped to leave for it even before now. Charity consists, as St. Paul says, in «rejoicing with those who are in joy and weeping with those who are in weeping». Therefore, most illustrious mother, you must rejoice greatly because, through your merit, God indicates true happiness to me and frees me from the fear of losing him. I will confide to you, O most illustrious lady, that by meditating on divine goodness, a bottomless and borderless sea, my mind goes astray. I cannot understand how the Lord looks at my small and brief toil and rewards me with eternal rest and from heaven invites me to that happiness that I have so far sought negligently and offers me, which I have shed very few tears for it, that treasure that is the crowning achievement of great toil and weeping. O most illustrious lady, be careful not to offend the infinite divine goodness, weeping as dead those who live in the presence of God and who with his intercession can meet your needs much more than in this life. The separation will not be long. We shall see ourselves again in heaven and together united with the author of our salvation we shall enjoy immortal joys, praising him with all the capacity of the soul and singing his graces without end. He takes away from us what he had previously given us only to place it in a safer and more inviolable place and to adorn us with those goods that we ourselves would choose. I have said these things only to obey my ardent wish that you, O most illustrious lady, and the whole family, consider my departure as a joyful event. And you continue to assist me with your maternal blessing, while I am at sea towards the port of all my hopes. I preferred to write to you because I have nothing left with which to manifest to you more clearly the love and respect that, as a son, I owe to my mother. :*''[https://www.radiospada.org/2016/05/da-una-lettera-di-san-luigi-gonzaga-alla-madre-marta-tana-di-santena-parole-di-verita/ From a Letter to His Mother Marthe Tana of Santena], 8 May 2016. ==Quotes about== *Very Reverend my Father, :Of good will I will satisfy at what V. R. seeks me, believing that it belongs to the glory of God Our Lord, to know the gifts granted by His Divine Majesty to’ his servants. :I have long confessed our most sweet and most holy brother Luigi Gonzaga, and once again I have generally confessed him of all my life, and he served me at Mass and practiced volunteers with me, dealing with the things of God. From the aforesaid confessions, and from the conversation I speak with all truth power to affirm the following things. :Before he has never caused mortal sin, and I hold this for certain at the time from the age of 7 until death, but as for the first years (of which’ he did not live with that knowledge of God, with which he later lived) I hold it by conjecture, because it is not truthful that in childhood he sinned mortally; maxims being preordained by God to such purity :Second, that from the seventh year of his life, in which (as it told me) he converted from the world to God, he lived a perfect life. :Third, that I have never felt carnal stimulation. :Fourth, that in prayer and contemplation (in which he mostly knelt on the ground without leaning) as an ordinary he did not suffer distraction. :Fifth, may it have been a mirror of obedience, humility, mortification, abstinence, prudence, devotion and purity. :In the last days of his life he had such excessive consolation in representing to him the glory of’ the blessed, which he thought had lasted less than a quarter of an hour, having however lasted almost the entire night. :In the same time the father died. Lodovico Corbinelli, and I told him what he believed about that soul, answered these words with great certainty: Only purgatory has passed. And considering his nature, which he was considered an overlord in speaking, and reserved in affirming doubtful things, I took it for certain that l’ had known by divine revelation: but I did not want to go any further, so as not to give him an opportunity for vainglory. :Many other things I could say, which I keep quiet about, because I don't make sure I remember them well. :In sum, I believe that it went straight to blessed glory, and I have always had scruples about praying to God for that soul, telling myself to do insult to the grace of God, which I have known in it. On the contrary, I have never had scruples in recommending myself to his orations, in which I trust greatly. :Your Reverence pray for me. :From the rooms of the Palace on 17 October 1601. :*From a [https://www.radiospada.org/2022/06/testimonianza-di-s-roberto-bellarmino-sulla-santita-di-s-luigi-gonzaga/ letter] of Saint [[Robert Bellarmine]] addressed to Father Virgilio Cepari, S.J., quoted in Virgilio Cepari, S.J., ''Vita di San Luigi Gonzaga''. ==External links== {{similar links}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Gonzaga, Aloysius}} [[Category:1568 births]] [[Category:1591 deaths]] [[Category:Aristocrats from Italy]] [[Category:Jesuits]] [[Category:Roman Catholic priests]] [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Catholic saints]] [[Category:Theologians from Italy]] [[Category:Religious leaders]] 4fipsqivgfa97upnhhgli32b73k69jh 14 308537 3955126 2026-06-21T19:04:49Z ~2026-36017-00 3344336 Created page with "[[Category:People from Italy]]" 3955126 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:People from Italy]] 1m0blfu4qsjnc39bkn6u8zoa905ek1v 3955127 3955126 2026-06-21T19:07:54Z ~2026-36017-00 3344336 3955127 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:People from Italy]] [[Category:Aristocrats]] ja2ogkdd9oypz8xzt07o568ljxgcbmp 14 308538 3955128 2026-06-21T19:08:08Z ~2026-36017-00 3344336 Created page with "[[Category:People by occupation]]" 3955128 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:People by occupation]] i89zqv9r3v4o0ik3t2p8132361p0x8h 0 308539 3955134 2026-06-21T19:28:13Z Soulbust 824671 Created page with "[[File:Jalen Brunson (cropped).jpg|thumb|But you got to go out there and do something about it.]] '''[[w:Jalen Brunson|Jalen Marquis Brunson]]''' (born August 31, 1996) is an American {{w|point guard}} for the {{w|New York Knicks}} of the {{w|National Basketball Association}} (NBA). He played {{w|college basketball}} at {{w|Villanova Wildcats men's basketball|Villanova}}, where he won two national championships. He was a second round draft pick in the {{w|2018 NBA Draft|..." 3955134 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jalen Brunson (cropped).jpg|thumb|But you got to go out there and do something about it.]] '''[[w:Jalen Brunson|Jalen Marquis Brunson]]''' (born August 31, 1996) is an American {{w|point guard}} for the {{w|New York Knicks}} of the {{w|National Basketball Association}} (NBA). He played {{w|college basketball}} at {{w|Villanova Wildcats men's basketball|Villanova}}, where he won two national championships. He was a second round draft pick in the {{w|2018 NBA Draft|2018 NBA draft}} and played with the {{w|Dallas Mavericks}} from 2018 to 2022. In 2022, he signed with the Knicks and in 2026, he led the team to its first championship in 53 years. == Quotes == === 2026 === *You are allowed to think about the worst possible scenario. But you got to go out there and do something about it. ** During the Knicks' title run in 2026. **<small>{{cite web|url=https://www.nyc.gov/mayors-office/news/2026/06/remarks-as-prepared--mayor-mamdani-hosts-and-delivers-remarks-at|title=Remarks as Prepared: Mayor Mamdani Hosts and Delivers Remarks at the 2026 NBA Champions New York Knicks City Hall Ceremony|website=nyc.gov|date=June 18, 2026|accessdate=June 21, 2026}}</small> 5oale3mgupnqp3g4jkse2jdxa1ievgz 4 308540 3955141 2026-06-21T20:36:12Z Kalki 71 Created page with "{{Wikiquote:Quote of the day/Template | image1 = NYPL TH-20868 Gilbert Highet cropped.jpg | image1px = 292px | image2 = 1984-Big-Brother.jpg | image2px = 238px | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->The [[aim]] of those who try to [[control]] [[thought]] is always the same. They find one single [[explanation]] of the [[world]], one [[system]] of thought and [[action]] that will (they [[believe]]) cover everything; and then they try to [[impose]] that on all thinking [[people]]. |..." 3955141 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikiquote:Quote of the day/Template | image1 = NYPL TH-20868 Gilbert Highet cropped.jpg | image1px = 292px | image2 = 1984-Big-Brother.jpg | image2px = 238px | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->The [[aim]] of those who try to [[control]] [[thought]] is always the same. They find one single [[explanation]] of the [[world]], one [[system]] of thought and [[action]] that will (they [[believe]]) cover everything; and then they try to [[impose]] that on all thinking [[people]]. | author = Gilbert Highet }} a4t4hdkcgcd9jdnxpzo8lqh4pfkqfd7 0 308541 3955167 2026-06-21T23:18:53Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[File:William Shippen (1672-1743), attributed to Enoch Seeman.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Shippen (MP)|William Shippen]]''' (bap. 30 July 1673 – 1 May 1743) was an English Jacobite and Tory politician who sat in the House of Commons from 1707 to 1743. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * Peace to the ''Glorious'' dead. ** ''Faction Display'd'' (London, 1704), p. 5 == Quotes about Shippen == * I love to pour out all myself, as plain<br>As downright ''Shippen'', or as old..." 3955167 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:William Shippen (1672-1743), attributed to Enoch Seeman.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Shippen (MP)|William Shippen]]''' (bap. 30 July 1673 – 1 May 1743) was an English Jacobite and Tory politician who sat in the House of Commons from 1707 to 1743. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * Peace to the ''Glorious'' dead. ** ''Faction Display'd'' (London, 1704), p. 5 == Quotes about Shippen == * I love to pour out all myself, as plain<br>As downright ''Shippen'', or as old ''Montagne''.<br>In them, as certain to be lov'd as seen,<br>The Soul stood forth, nor kept a Thought within. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''The First Satire of the Second Book of Horace, Imitated: To Mr. Fortescue'' (1733) == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shippen, William}} [[Category:1673 births]] [[Category:1743 deaths]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of Great Britain]] q7ls9vztlq9zwjjkqz1gdmu0nna20k7 3955182 3955167 2026-06-22T01:32:13Z Ollin Masa 3311333 3955182 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:William Shippen (1672-1743), attributed to Enoch Seeman.jpg|thumb|William Shippen ([[Enoch Seeman]])]] '''[[w:William Shippen (MP)|William Shippen]]''' (bap. 30 July 1673 – 1 May 1743) was an English Jacobite and Tory politician who sat in the House of Commons from 1707 to 1743. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * Peace to the ''Glorious'' dead. ** ''Faction Display'd'' (London, 1704), p. 5 == Quotes about Shippen == * I love to pour out all myself, as plain<br>As downright ''Shippen'', or as old ''Montagne''.<br>In them, as certain to be lov'd as seen,<br>The Soul stood forth, nor kept a Thought within. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''The First Satire of the Second Book of Horace, Imitated: To Mr. Fortescue'' (1733) == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shippen, William}} [[Category:1673 births]] [[Category:1743 deaths]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of Great Britain]] j1kx6vhofgav13g73zebq7hepguqtpb 0 308542 3955170 2026-06-21T23:30:24Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "'''[[wikidata:Q18531533|William Pittis]]''' (1674–1724) was an English miscellaneous writer. == Quotes == * But Oh! the ''Glorious Dead'', to whom we pay<br>Our present Grief, and fruitless Sighs convey. ** ''An Epistolary Poem to John Dryden, Esq. Occasion'd by the Much Lamented Death of The Right Honourable James, Earl of Abingdon'' (London: printed for H. Walwyn, 1699), p. 4 == External links == * s:Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Pittis, Thomas|Dic..." 3955170 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[wikidata:Q18531533|William Pittis]]''' (1674–1724) was an English miscellaneous writer. == Quotes == * But Oh! the ''Glorious Dead'', to whom we pay<br>Our present Grief, and fruitless Sighs convey. ** ''An Epistolary Poem to John Dryden, Esq. Occasion'd by the Much Lamented Death of The Right Honourable James, Earl of Abingdon'' (London: printed for H. Walwyn, 1699), p. 4 == External links == * [[s:Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Pittis, Thomas|Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Pittis, Thomas]] {{DEFAULTSORT:Pittis, William}} [[Category:1674 births]] [[Category:1724 deaths]] [[Category:Authors from England]] o030ttdx4jzgxtajf5mxt0f1zht8weo 3955172 3955170 2026-06-21T23:32:52Z Ficaia 3085955 3955172 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[wikidata:Q18531533|William Pittis]]''' (1674–1724) was an English miscellaneous writer. == Quotes == * &nbsp;&nbsp; The ''Glorious Dead'', to whom we pay<br>Our present Grief, and fruitless Sighs convey. ** ''An Epistolary Poem to John Dryden, Esq. Occasion'd by the Much Lamented Death of The Right Honourable James, Earl of Abingdon'' (London: printed for H. Walwyn, 1699), p. 4 == External links == * [[s:Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Pittis, Thomas|Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Pittis, Thomas]] {{DEFAULTSORT:Pittis, William}} [[Category:1674 births]] [[Category:1724 deaths]] [[Category:Authors from England]] iypycin0kaptphjnva50qw6cczr0i75 0 308551 3955246 2026-06-22T07:13:32Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "{{italic title}} [[File:Nevski3.jpg|thumb|A great trouble requires a great man.]] '''[[w:Alexander Nevsky (film)|Alexander Nevsky]]''' (Russian: Алекса́ндр Не́вский) is a 1938 Soviet historical drama film about [[w:1240 Izborsk and Pskov campaign|the attempted invasion]] of [[Novgorod Republic|Novgorod]] in the 13th century by the [[Teutonic Order|Teutonic Knights]] of the [[Holy Roman Empire]] and their defeat by Prince Alexander, known popularly as ..." 3955246 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Nevski3.jpg|thumb|A great trouble requires a great man.]] '''[[w:Alexander Nevsky (film)|Alexander Nevsky]]''' (Russian: Алекса́ндр Не́вский) is a 1938 Soviet historical drama film about [[w:1240 Izborsk and Pskov campaign|the attempted invasion]] of [[Novgorod Republic|Novgorod]] in the 13th century by the [[Teutonic Order|Teutonic Knights]] of the [[Holy Roman Empire]] and their defeat by Prince Alexander, known popularly as [[Alexander Nevsky]]. :''Directed by [[Sergei Eisenstein]]. Written by [[w:Pyotr Pavlenko|Pyotr Pavlenko]] and Sergei Eisenstein. == Quotes == ;Alexandr * В дом входя, хозяев не бьют! ** A guest who enters a house does not strike its owners. * Есть у нас поговорка: с родной земли — умри, да не сходи. ** We have a saying: "It's better to die than to leave your homeland." * С монголом подождать можно. Опаснее татарина враг есть: ближе, злее. От него данью не откупишься. Немец! А его разбивши, и за татар можно взяться. ** The Mongols can wait a while. We have a more dangerous enemy. An enemy who is closer and more cruel. An enemy we could not buy our souls from with ransom: the Germans. After we beat them, we shall take care of the Mongols. * Тонкая работа. Это тебе не шведов бить! ** It's delicate work, not like hitting the Swedes. [''tears fishing-net''] * The Mongols hold Russia from the banks of the Volga to Novgorod. The Germans are advancing from the West. Russia is lying between the mallet and the anvil. You stand alone, Novgorod the Fair! Arise for the sake of our motherland, of our people. Arise for the cities of Russia, for Kiev, Vladimir and Ryazan! Arise for the sake of our fields, forests and rivers, for the sake of our great people! * The strength of a sword is measured by the arm that wields it! * А господа рыцари в обмен пойдут! На мыло менять будем. ** And what about the noble knights? We shall ask for ransom! Exchange them for soap! * Идите и скажите всем в чужих краях, что Русь жива! Пусть без страха жалуют к нам в гости, но если кто с мечом к нам войдёт, от меча и погибнет! На том стоит и стоять будет Русская земля! ** Go and tell everyone in the foreign lands that Russia lives. He who comes to us as a guest, let him come with no reservation. But he who comes to us with a sword, shall die by the sword. On this stands Russia, and on this she shall stand forever! ;Ignat * [''sees Gavrilo and Vasili admiring Olga''] The young bulls are frolicking, smelling the spring in the air. * When the she-goat is in the yard, the billy peeks in. * A mother or a stepmother, it's all the same to the rich! Where they make a profit, there is their motherland. To us, the simple folk, the Germans bring certain death. We must invite Prince Alexander and strike at the Germans! * Even a small bird has a heart. * Без прибора и вши не забьёшь. ** Without proper tools you can't even kill a flea. * Не враг дал — сам ковал! Коротка кольчужка-то... ** No foreign make, this. Forged with my own two hands. Too bad, the mail is a bit too short. * Коротка… кольчужка. ** Too bad, the mail is too short. [''dies''] ;Olga * Will you trade Russia for your goods? ;Ananiy * It's every man for himself. Wherever you make your bed, there's your homeland. ;Domash * A great trouble requires a great man. ;Archbishop * На небе — Один Господь! На земле — один Его наместник! Одно Солнце освещает Вселенную и сообщает свой свет другим светилам! Один римский властелин должен быть на земле! Всё, что непокорно Риму, должно быть умерщвлено! ** There is only one Lord, who is in heaven. And his pontiff on Earth is but one. There is only one sun to light the whole universe and lend its light to the planets and stars. Holy Rome alone shall rule the world. Whoever does not bow to Rome shall be put to death! ;Tverdilo * Казнить охальника! ** Hang the foul-mouth! ;Pavsha * Идите в Переяславль! Зовите Александра! Мёртвый Псков зовёт тебя, Ярославич! ** Go to Peryaslavl. Call Alexander! Devastated Pskov is crying out for you, Alexander! ;Chorus * Вставайте, люди русские, на славный бой, на смертный бой! ** ''Arise, you Russian people!<br>In a just battle to the death!'' ;Von Velven * Братья рыцари! Король Александр посмел выступить против нас! Но его покарал Бог: авангард его войск обложен в лесу, как медведь. Приглашаю вас на травлю русского зверя! ** My brothers, you knights! King Alexander has dared to resist us. But God's hand has punished his impertinence. His advance guard is trapped in the forest, like a bear. I invite you all to hunt the Russian bear. ;Vasili * Ни те пожить, ни те помереть спокойно не дадут! ** [''about women''] They won't let a man live or die in peace! ;Vasili's mother * Васька мой вторым нигде не был! ** My son Vasily has never been second-best to anyone! == Dialogue == :'''Mongol envoy''': Are you the one who defeated the Swedes? :'''Alexandr''': Yes. :'''Mongol envoy''': So what are you doing here? :'''Alexandr''': Fishing. :'''Mongol envoy''': Couldn't you find anything better to do? :'''Alexandr''': What's wrong with fishing? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ignat''': Vasily Buslai! Gavrilo Oleksich! Come to your old friend. I have Indian armor, Tartar spears, sharp Saracen swords. :'''Gavrilo''': [''jokingly''] Stop lying! You must have forged them yourself overnight. :'''Ignat''' Every bird subsists by its own beak. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gavrillo''': [''thumbing his axe''] I am tired of spilling blood. I fight one day, then brood for two. I wanted to go to the Volga, play about with my battle-axe... but the brooding won me over. :'''Vasily''': Go be a monk, then. :'''Gavrillo''': [''annoyed''] I am thinking about matters of the heart. If my wishes are not met, I may well go to the monastery. :'''Ignat''': Like a bear, to slaughter calfs on the altar. [Пошёл медведь в монастырь — в алтаре телят драть.] <hr width="50%"/> :— Магистр, Псков — у Ваших ног! :'''Tverdilo''': Great Master! Pskov is at your feet. :— Так городов не сдают! Если ты мне и Новгород так сдашь — повешу на первом суку! :'''Von Velven''': That's now the way to make cities surrender. If you give me Novgorod in this state, I shall hang you on the nearest tree. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vasilisa''': Let me come with you, father! :'''Pavsha''': Go away, Vasilisa! Remember our blood! Avenge us! <hr width="50%"/> :— Сирот пожалей! Позабудь обиды, Ярославич! :'''Domash''': Have pity on the orphans. Forget the affront, Alexander. :— Встань за дело новгородское! :'''Gavrilo''': Rise for Novgorod! :— За обиду русской земли встану! :'''Alexandr''': I shall rise to avenge the suffering of Russia. :— Слово верное! На защиту встань! :'''Domash''': No truer words have ever been spoken. Rise to her defence! :— На защиту? Защищаться не умеем. Сами бить будем! Без меры бить будем! :'''Alexandr''': Defence? I do not know how to defend. We shall smite them with all our power! <hr width="50%"/> :— Дружина твоя, князь, не хуже немецкой! :'''Gavrilo''': Your warriors are not inferior to the Germans, Prince. :— Дружины одной мало. Мужиков подымем! К весне… врага разобьём! :'''Alexandr''': My bodyguard alone is not enough. We shall call the peasants to arms. With their help we shall surely defeat the enemy by spring. <hr width="50%"/> :— Заяц, значит, в овраг — лиса следом. Заяц в лесок — лиса за ним! Тогда заяц между двух берёзок сигани. Лиса следом — да и застрянь! Заклини́сь меж берёзок-то: трык-брык, трык-брык — ни с места. То-то ей беда! А заяц стоит рядом и сурьёзно говорит ей: «Хочешь», — говорит, — «я всю твою деви́чью честь сейчас нарушу?» — «Ах, что ты, что ты, сусед, разве можно, страм-то какой мне! Пожалей», — говорит. — «Тут жалеть некогда», — заяц ей — и нарушил. :'''Ignat''': The rabbit skips into a ravine, but the fox follows him. The rabbit runs into the woods, but the fox stays on his tail. So the rabbit jumps between two birch trees. The fox comes after him and gets stuck! It's twisting and turning but can't get free. What a calamity! The rabbit looks at her severely and says: "Now I will violate your chastity." [''soldiers laugh''] "No, neighbor, don't put me to such shame! Have pity!" cries the fox. "I have no time for pity," says the rabbit, and violates her! [''laughs with the soldiers''] :— Между двух берёз... зажал? :'''Alexandr''': Got her stuck between the trees, did he? :— Зажал. :'''Ignat''': Yes, he did. :— И нарушил? :'''Alexandr''': And violated her? :— И нарушил! :'''Ignat''': He did! [''laughs even harder''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vasili''': Who will lead the main force? :'''Alexandr''': You will. You've been running all night. In the daytime you shall stand. == Cast == * Nikolay Cherkasov — Prince Alexander Nevsky * Nikolay Okhlopkov — Vasili Buslaev * Andrei Abrikosov as Gavrilo Oleksich * Dmitry Orlov — Ignat, the master armorer * Vasili Novikov — Pavsha, a voivode of Pskov * Nikolai Arsky — Domash Tverdislavich, a Novgorod boyar * Varvara Massalitinova — Amelfa Timoferevna, Buslaev's mother * Valentina Ivashova — Olga Danilovna, a maid of Novgorod * Aleksandra Danilova — Vasilisa, a maid of Pskov * Vladimir Yershov — Andreas von Velven, the Grand Master of the Teutonic Order * Sergei Blinnikov — Tverdilo, the traitor of Pskov * Ivan Lagutin — Ananiy, a Monk * Lev Fenin — Archbishop * Naum Rogozhin — Black-Hooded Monk == External links == {{Wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0029850|title=Alexander Nevsky (1938)}} [[Category:1938 films]] [[Category:Historical films]] jhbxfd7pc4h1mgk0vy1t4ron2hmh7t3 2 308552 3955247 2026-06-22T07:16:45Z Osinowomagnus 3344458 /* */ 3955247 wikitext text/x-wiki Dr. Osinowo Magnus Adelani is a highly experienced Medical Officer with overbyears of clinical practice across Pediatrics, Internal Medicine, Emergency Medicine, Obstetrics & Gynaecology, and General Surgery. He is a graduate of the University of Lagos, with extensive hands-on experience in acute patient management, emergency stabilization, inpatient and outpatient care, and multidisciplinary clinical coordination. He has developed a strong reputation for delivering safe, efficient, and patient-centered care in high-pressure medical environments. His clinical expertise is complemented by active participation in health advocacy and medical symposiums, where he contributes to public health education and continuous professional development within the medical community. Dr. Adelani is committed to excellence in healthcare delivery, with a focus on improving patient outcomes through evidence-based practice, teamwork, and compassionate care. He is seeking opportunities in progressive healthcare institutions where he can further contribute his clinical expertise, leadership, and dedication to quality healthcare service delivery. 2u7c7cs5s11bw5v7z15vf62ack4t7mb 3955250 3955247 2026-06-22T07:23:00Z Osinowomagnus 3344458 /* */ 3955250 wikitext text/x-wiki Dr. Osinowo Magnus Adelani Dr. Osinowo Magnus Adelani is a Nigerian physician and healthcare professional with over a decade of experience in clinical medicine. His medical practice encompasses Pediatrics, Internal Medicine, Emergency Medicine, Obstetrics and Gynaecology, and General Surgery. He is recognized for his contributions to patient care, health advocacy, and medical education within Nigeria. Early Life and Education Dr. Adelani completed his medical education at the University of Lagos, where he earned the degree of Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery (MBBS) in 2015. Following his medical training, he undertook further professional development in healthcare leadership and management, completing studies in Leadership and Management in Health through the University of Washington in 2017. Medical Career After obtaining his medical degree, Dr. Adelani completed his internship training (Housemanship) at Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH) between 2015 and 2016. During this period, he rotated through the core specialties of Internal Medicine, Surgery, Pediatrics, and Obstetrics & Gynaecology. He subsequently served as a Medical Officer at Divine Grace Medical Centre in 2016, where he provided medical, emergency, pediatric, and obstetric care. In 2017, he joined Magnus Medical Hospital in Lagos, serving as a Medical Officer for seven years and managing patients across multiple specialties including General Medicine, Pediatrics, Emergency Medicine, and Obstetrics & Gynaecology. Since February 2024, Dr. Adelani has served as a Medical Officer at St. Emmanuel Hospital, Lagos. His responsibilities include the management of pediatric and neonatal patients, conducting ward rounds, emergency patient assessment, clinical teaching, and performing advanced medical procedures. Professional Interests Dr. Adelani's professional interests include emergency care, neonatal and pediatric medicine, preventive healthcare, clinical leadership, and healthcare quality improvement. He is also actively involved in health advocacy through participation in medical symposiums, public health campaigns, and professional healthcare forums aimed at improving community health awareness. Professional Memberships Dr. Adelani is affiliated with several professional bodies, including the General Medical Council (GMC) and the School of Biophysical and Natural Medicine, United Kingdom. Legacy and Impact Through his clinical practice and healthcare advocacy efforts, Dr. Adelani has contributed to the delivery of patient-centered healthcare services in Nigeria. His work reflects a commitment to evidence-based medicine, professional excellence, and the advancement of healthcare education and community health initiatives. edtdwcpi9wbwq7mae25y86xmtj0zptk